Lieve opa, Van harte gefeliciteerd met uw enentachtigste verjaardag. Ik mis u ontzettend en vind 18 november een dag moeilijke dag om door te brengen zonder dat u in ons midden bent. Als iemands absentie mij zoveel hartzeer doet dat ik het leven nog maar nauwelijks kan verdragen, moet ik het diegene dan vertellen? Dat nieuws kan zorgen opwekken, en dat is niet mijn intentie. Maar ik vind het leven een stuk zwaarder zonder u. Ik kan u helaas niet eens om advies vragen over dat dilemma. In Honor of You Ik heb vandaag mijn Engels presentatie. 18 november heb…Continue reading
My diary is complete. The Inner Crown was the last aspect that had to be explained. Now my entire past has been broken down in my online representation of self. This addendum is for those who are busy deciphering the underlying message in my posts. It includes a (relatively) quick overview a priori of everything and some additional remarks. Because my camera died halfway through, this is part 1. My love, After my addendums, I will fully focus on the future (with great emphasis on the Inner Crown). First I want to give an overview of my past, because that…Continue reading
In this post, I will disseminate more information about the perspective of the Crown. Of the Inner Crown, which has been the main subject of my previous post and the post before that. An Enthusiast will have a clearer idea what it is like to be an insider of the Inner Crown. Also, a new reader’s perspective will be used (for the first time in this diary(!)) and I tell you a little about my whereabouts and other random thoughts. My love, New Diary Perspective My diary as a whole is addressed to no one in particular. (Baby… “I’m just…Continue reading
An all-seeing eye with a heart that beats for you, sending thoughts to you telepathically, from a (very) long distance. My experience of what I call the Inner Crown, also known as the Head Cuddle, has never faded. Many measures have been taken, against my will, in an attempt to stop this experience. This has caused me to lie about my perceptions for a very long time, in an attempt to get my freedom back. My diary would, however, be incomplete without a present update of what has always been there. This post is part two of my previous post:…Continue reading
The Head Cuddle is what I’ve been calling the brain-to-brain communication I experience (and never stopped experiencing since it started, gradually, even though I do not always mention my experience of it, which I will also explain). Not to be mistaken with the modern phrase “giving head”, which means performing oral sex on genitals. Without the Head Cuddle, I wouldn’t have been around anymore. My love, Prophecy before the Head Cuddle “What is the purpose of my vision?” is a question I’ve been trying to answer all my life. I must see things so differently for a reason. Visions and…Continue reading
Sincerely I apologize for not publishing the post about brain-to-brain communication yesterday. I’m sorry meow I don’t like to spark your interest in new content and then don’t publish the content. 🙁 I was feeling bad again this morning, then did some housekeeping and afterwards worked on my English project with my project partner, then spent time talking afterwards longer than I had calculated in. It was nice. I hope you don’t mind. 🙁
My post about my personal experience of brain-to-brain communication (basically an update that also dives into the past) will be online at 9 PM west-European winter time (GMT +1).
“I loved justice, I hated iniquity, therefore in banishment I die.”
I came across this beautiful phrase that reminds me, unfortunately, of bad things happening to good people, when I searched for the definition of “iniquity” (sinning, bad behavior) after reading it in this article (opens in new tab) which is a website the conversation I was having with my project partner had led us to. I spotted that article in the slider and read it because when I got my enzymes examined 2 years ago, the result included something they had never seen before. I thought maybe I then also have an extraterrestrial blood type. Then the final sentence got me to search my favorite dictionary and I allowed myself to read three example sentences (opens in new tab). (I’ve had an addiction to reading example sentences and have spent entire days reading example sentences exegesis. To improve my writing skills. This just now was like laying eyes on an old flame. A flame I’ve missed so much.)
Sorry again. Hopefully the short passage above gives you enough food for thought until tonight’s food for thought is served.
02:27 Antwerpen Kievitwijk
The featured image is from ilovemessages.org (opens in new tab) I came across in a quick Google search for (romantic) “sorry” images.
A wide range of topics is ready to be touched on now that an update of the present context of my writing has been laid out in my most recent previous posts. The context in which an opinion/perspective is given defines a great part of the opinion/perspective itself, I think. With my context defined, I hope I can state clearer perspectives and opinions. To all of the short thoughts that have popped up in my mind recently, of which I thought “Ah yes I should share this on my blog,” I would like to devote this post. Like anything Fangs…Continue reading
A restatement of my direction, this is. As well as a reflection. And I’ve included the pictures I made I promised to put online quite some weeks ago… My love, This is an interesting week. Usually when I want to take measures to distance myself from toxic influence, my entire approach can be read way in advance. What I did on my birthday, however, was an impulse. An impulse that has definitively shifted my future social life. I think it is for the better. But it is only for the better if people who can positively relate to what I’ve…Continue reading
Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of LilFangs.com in Antwerpiyae. (Antwerpiyae > Antwerpiyaes I felt while typing.) My love, A couple weeks ago, I believe, I introduced “my love” as start-of-post diary aanhef. I still like it and don’t seem to get tired of it any time soon. How about you? Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of LilFangs.com blogging. I’m still writing and not filming myself, so in this post the thought pattern behind my usual writing will be emphasized. Quick question: I’m asking you that because I notice an interesting trend in my visitor stats. I…Continue reading
A lot has happened this weekend, as you might have noticed. Therefore it’s time for another rationalization. Let me start off by saying, NO REGRETS. My love, I need to get this off my chest. I need some time to be alone and think. (Thus write.) However, I need to finish my accounting assignment so I’ll have to dash to the library in a few. So for now I’m keeping it short-ish and after I’ve handed it in and gone to English class et cetera I’ll continue. Rationalization of (Unwritten) Words Yesterday, I said this: I’m never going back to…Continue reading
My heart has a fresh new wound, as usual I have tons of shit to do and I crave for a newer life. My love, No words can describe how hurt, disappointed and simply fucking fucked up I feel now that I have two full days of toxic memories added to my memory. I have told people so often that they shouldn’t have believed my parents over me and that they shouldn’t do that again. AND THEY FUCKING DID IT AGAAAAAAIN. VERDWIJN UIT MIJN LEVEN. Het is toch fucking raar dat mijn moeder hier nog steeds op de bank ligt?…Continue reading
Yesterday, I, at the very last moment, was not able to welcome my family for my birthday dinner. Now the majority of guests have cancelled for today. This is the worst day of my life. After having been alone all day yesterday, I just couldn’t – after all of the loneliness – say “heeyyy welcomeee 🙂 ” . I just want to die. To me this seems logical, but to others apparently it isn’t. If I’m sick on my birthday, you’re not coming for drinks and to give me a kiss? And to chill with the rest of the family?…Continue reading
Ik wou dat het maandag was. Dan is mijn moeder denk ik wel naar huis.
Ik wou dat ik dood was. Dan werd ik tenminste met rust gelaten en hoefde ik me niet meer aan dit systeem te conformeren. Iets wat ik sowieso al niet meer doe. Sinds mijn verjaardag. Een van de vele cadeaus die ik mezelf heb gegeven.
Uitleggen wat ik aan het doen ben kost zo veel woorden, en de meeste mensen… Ik laat het gewoon even voor wat het is.
Jij vertrouwt mij niet. Ik vertrouw jou niet. Het universum lijkt gedoemd zichzelf te vernietigen.
Over een week lig ik hier nog. Hopelijk dan wel met iemand die me lieflijk omhelst. Maar wel iemand die me begrijpt en niet iemand die continu loopt TE ZEIKEN OH MIJN GOD HAAL mijn moeder uit mijn huis alsjeblieft. Ze zegt dat ze weggaat nadat we sushi hebben gegeten.
Ik wil gewoon alleen zijn. Heb teveel gedaan en jullie zeiken veeeels te veel. 🙁
Today is my 23rd birthday. A good moment to reflect on myself, tell you where I’ve been this more-than-one-week absence and share how I’m celebrating. 🙂 But I need to start off with an important redemption and (re)clarification, from back to forth. Redemption. Redemption / Clarification In my last post I, not for the first time, shared that someone made me feel bad, without telling that person how I feel. The next day, he sent me a screenshot of the passage and openheartedly apologized. He was the first person to apologize for the way he made me feel after…Continue reading
This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection. My love, What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one: Why am I keeping this blog? To portray a shift from the perspective of the one…Continue reading
Ayy the rims on this fresh as fuck B. My love, Rims Today, I went to the Media Markt with my mother, to select a vacuum cleaner. Look at the rims on this thing ayy. Just kidding, though it looks quite smooth. For quite a fair price in comparison to the other vacuum cleaners. What I found the most important is that it’s bagless. I’m very happy I don’t have to clean with stoffer en blik anymore. And we had fun. Dinner at Ellis Gourmet Burger afterwards. With very kind staff. The most notable moment in our conversation was when…Continue reading
The loneliness continues… Luckily I have an overdose of self-tainment. My love, Being alone is not that big a deal. There are so many things to do and think about… Looks Like a Mind Game Like sending that creepy stalker-like message to Victishe yesterday. 🙂 As you may have noticed, I love sending e-mails. 🙂 It’s great self-tainment. I don’t know if I should insert what I sent in this post or not? Ah why would I not put my craziness on the public internet? 🙂 — Thinking About You. Beschouw dit bericht alstublieft als “niet verzonden”. do 17-10-2019 21:37…Continue reading
Currently, my life is almost exactly the way I portrayed my ideal setting. Only one crucial aspect is missing, which is why this feels like an empty Volta. My love, WiFi Yesterday, I got my WiFi installed. For this, I had set my alarm at 11:00 because I was told the technician (techniker in Flemish (and German)) would be there between 12:30 and 17:30. At 11:20 (yeah I take 15 – 30 minutes to get my slightly depressed self out of bed when there is a reason to (otherwise it’s 1 – 3 hours)) I got a call from the…Continue reading
The way it requires all of my time, the rush of getting it done daily, being able to be the utmost productive in bed… I love this study planner so much! This is genuinely orgasmic. My love, Until November 30th – for now – all I will attend is English class on Mondays. Because attendance is required and I want to score an A+. And minimally a B for all of my other subjects. The type of study planning I usually do one week before the final exam, I now started to do last night. Currently I’m behind (as in…Continue reading
Ready… This morning my first proposal for academic acknowledgement will be handed over. I will go down on one knee and say: “Will you cherish this rough diamond and be my Graeyniss?” Just kidding. By means of proposing, I will give a short explanation and regardless of interest I will not go home with the proposal of 50+ pages I have written for all of my professors. My love, The last couple of days have been full with working on my proposal, taking care of houesehold stuff (and getting my bike repaired), planning my birthday, re-braiding my hair and a…Continue reading
I’ve been thinking out my boropasi to climb up the academic ladder. Boropasi (with the “B” from “Book”, the “O” from “Order”, the “R” from “Rotterdam”, another “O” from “Order”, the “P” from “Pasta”, the “A” from “Dwaas” (as far as I know, English does not have a word with the A-sound from “boropasi”), the “S” from flattening tyre (lol yesssss), and the “I” from “Receive”) means “sluiproute”, “shortcut”, in Sranan Tongo (“my dialect” (I am not that fluent in)). Specifically the type of shortcut where one maneuvers through rural lands or residential areas, making the passenger travelling with the…Continue reading
They are so intense I can barely keep control of my body. These fast track cravings. My love, I remember exactly why I dropped out now. That feeling causing it is back. Stronger than before. But now I know how to channel it. It is a feeling I had the first time when I was 4 years old. Many people with high intelligence experience this: expecting to be educationally challenged, and then the class turns out to be 95% things you already knew. I understand that things should, at the beginning, be explained from scratch. In that way, it is…Continue reading
My life ♥ How’s life? Different? The same? Fun? Or lame? Do you have enough time for your passions? You know that everything you dislike about life will vanish in 3 years, right? Maybe it will be less. Hopefully it will not be more. On Track My soup left-overs are in the fridge and I have scrubbed the black paint off of my feet. And in the long run, I will end up where I desire to be no matter what. Regardless what gets there first: my business or my professorship. I don’t know how many off days I will…Continue reading
Heysss ♥ Last Night After that, I realized that it’s no use going to lectures (especially because the fact that it does not suit my educational background is a bit saddening), so I have off days until my change of education program has been processed. And I really miss the white boards I used to have in my room – not that I want them back, because I have a better alternative to be mentioned soon – for being able to quickly note whatever comes to mind I should memorize. So I figured, today – though my flu is getting…Continue reading
My love ♥ How are you? I’ve been missing you. I love it when our minds intertwine from having a similar outlook on life. We know what euphoria feels like, but know (emotional) heartache in the exact same way. This post is titled “Buckle Up”, for it seems like I’m taking you along on my journey of biting down (happy I have that anti-knars bitje) and keeping my head up for three years, before I can resume all that I’ve been working on and have that work acknowledged. Het moet dan maar. Why is life constructed in this way. 🙁…Continue reading
My Catjes ♥ It has been years since I longed for a weekend. I really need this time to recuperate, work on my apartment and catch up mastering course material. But to make myself enjoy my bath more, I took care of my bedroom first. Putting together the drawers for underneath my bed and organizing my clothing. In my routine of lectures and cooking and my visit to the Netherlands et cetera, it felt like I had no time to think. Soaking in this tub, taking a moment to reflect on myself, especially reflecting on the moment itself (enjoying my…Continue reading
Haha ik zou me een keer niet hoeven haasten… Mijn wekker stond op 11:00, maar ik werd ontzettend moe wakker. Dus 11:00 werd 11:30. 11:30 werd 12:00. 12:00 werd 13:00. Dus toen moest ik voor 13:30 mijn “ontbijt” afhebben om met douchen enzo erbij op tijd te kunnen zijn voor mijn trein van 14:30. Dat schreef ik voordat me ineens te binnen schoot dat ik de klantenservice van telecom provider Scarlet moest bellen om te kijken of ik via de klantenservice wel mijn nummer zou kunnen doorgeven, omdat het online formulier een “+32 04” nummer afdwingt, en ik een “+31…Continue reading
Goedemorgen 🙂 ♥ Het was mijn intentie om gisteren na school wat te bloggen, Dat schreef ik vanochtend, ongeveer 20 minuten voordat mijn les begon (want ik was vroeg), waarna ik aan het socializen was because I made a school friend yay. 🙂 I don’t know if I should write in Dutch or in English… I’ll use the languages based on which language I feel can express what I wish to express best. That will vary, but I’ll keep it one language per paragraph, so that your translating tool/dictionary is overseeable. 🙂 I haven’t told my new friend – or…Continue reading
Goedemorgen ♥ It’s my first day of university in Antwerp. 😮 Sorry ik ga weer in het Nederlands verder. De andere bus ging net voorbij toen ik voor een rood stoplicht stond, aan de andere kant van de halte. Ze gaan om het kwartier, dus ik kom nu aan om 10:37 in plaats van 10:22. Het was mijn intentie om die 20 minuten te gebruiken om de collegezaal te vinden en een zitplek te (kunnen) claimen die niet helemaal vooraan is. Nu mag ik blij zijn als ik om 10:45 binnen ben ah x_x. Hoewel ik langs de Ikea moet…Continue reading
Mijn lief ♥ Het is nu super officieel: ik heb een eigen huis. Mijn eigen plek. Heb hier gisternacht voor het eerst geslapen. 🙂 Sinds mijn vorige post is het ontzettend snel gegaan. Donderdag heb ik mijn huurcontract getekend, samen met mijn moeder als borgsteller. En vrijdag kreeg ik mijn sleutels! Daarna moest ik snel richting Rotterdam om mijn oma op te halen en naar huis te gaan, want mijn oom uit de Bahama’s, samen met zijn vrienden/zakenpartners kwamen langs op de avond voordat ze terug naar huis gingen, voor de barbecue die mijn vader had georganiseerd. Het was mooi…Continue reading
Heyy ♥ Boxes My love, I still can’t believe that I got this good news yesterday. As expected, I was too late sending my files for the apartment I showed you in my previous post. It was already rented to someone else. But yesterday I got a call with the news that I got a similar apartment a few storeys higher. 😀 A higher home means a better view. 🙂 I’m sooo happyyy I still can’t believe that this is real! ♥ Like before that call I spent my hours in stressed couch cuddle mode (watching the Belgian series “De…Continue reading