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- xxx -

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Popular Posts

FangCatje - Nederlandse Versie (Preview)
Reflecting on what's ahead [Sunday, November 24, 2019]
Back Online :) [Thursday, June 13, 2019]
Twenty-three 🙀 [Friday, November 1, 2019]
Highlights [Monday, May 27, 2019]
A Hypothetical Organizational D.O.C.I.S. Draft
Voting & Writing [Wednesday, March 20, 2019]
CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]
Een verhaaltje
Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]
Passion 5 [Sunday, July 28, 2019]
Lil Tension [Wednesday, July 3, 2019]
Hmmm... Let's do Nothing :D [Thursday, July 18, 2019]
Passion [Wednesday, July 24, 2019]
Inner Crown [Tuesday, November 12, 2019]
Passion 3 [Friday, July 26, 2019]
The Perspective of the Crown [Thursday, November 14, 2019]
Reform Development Day 1 [Friday, June 14, 2019]
Operation Sunnyhoes Day 3 [Tuesday, August 27, 2019]
No Release Twice in a Row [Sunday, June 30, 2019]
Rudi Harold Hanenberg 81st Birthday [Monday, November 18, 2019]
The D.O.C.I.S. Store is open for Pre-Orders! :D
Afternoon Improv
December Manifest
Boxes [Wednesday, September 18, 2019]
Behind the Scenes [Tuesday, November 5, 2019]
This is not a Game.
A Reflection about Attraction [Thursday, November 28, 2019]
Still At It [Sunday, May 26, 2019]
Operation Sunnyhoes Day 4 [Wednesday, August 28, 2019]
Victor Geskes D.O.C.I.S. International
Art, Essays, Ex Animo, Images, Media, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

A Hypothetical Organizational D.O.C.I.S. DraftFeatured

My last couple of posts I have spent clarifying that what I state here is not fiction, but a sketch of what the future looks like in an ideal situation, in my view. A selection of people I’ve come across in any way, have, with the (alternative) potential I see in them, occurred in this diary, in the context of my business. Because I think that the unification of us would make an incomparable difference. Never before have I displayed these individuals with an image, as (some of) those who I consider the Graeynissis with whom I will build the…

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This is not a game
Art, Audio, Explicit Content, Images, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Strategy, Videos

This is not a Game.

For I’m losing my patience with life, I’ll lay out a strategy about how to restore order after power ends up 100% in the hands of het proletariaat. This is not a game. Though they treat it like it is because they’re trying to seize present power (collectively 🙄 ), while they don’t have a future plan. And this post includes an actual picture of Tishe. 😮 😻 My love, I’m (as usual) picking up where I left off yesterday. But as I announced in Even een Kleine Stand van Zaken, I won’t include dates in post titles anymore. In the…

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they have no plan featured image white house police line
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

They have no Plan?

So the people have worked tirelessly for years, to take away the power of those who are in a position of power. It seems like 2020 will be their year. And now? They have no plan, I assume. My love, > They have no Plan What is happening now is like one of those Christmas movie scenes where 100 people standing in a row side to side pass on a package to wherever, with big smiles on their faces, while even a jogging toddler could do the job faster. Judicial power, executive power and (EVEN) legislative power, together with the…

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read at your own risk
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Videos

Read at your own Risk / Lezen op eigen Risico

A spark of curiosity? I’m not holding back in this post, so this is really is to be read at your own risk. Het is ook onvertaald tweetalig, vandaar ook “lezen op eigen risico”. In this post, I state my views without euphemizing them. My love, I’m writing this to settle my emotions. My heart is in severe pain. I don’t know if you feel what you read, but it is why I say read this at your own risk. > Here’s an Idea – First some Background Some females ruin it for other females. Those females who do “Ah…

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december manifest
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Strategy

December Manifest

The previous manifest was a declaration of policy. The December Manifest describes my present aim and is, to you, a direct call-to-action. December is here and I have some wildly serious plans for us. Choose what to indulge in. I’m giving you an outline. The outline of the outline is that you are a Fangyist, look out for your fellow Graeynissis and turn your life around right now. This month will make 2019 matter the most, if you let me. Read closely. My love, Holiday Season 😖 It is the last month of the year and there are too many…

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Audio, Ex Animo, Popular Posts

Afternoon Improv

Afternoon Improv is online on your favorite streaming platform now! My love, Especially if you, like me, are not a fan of (commercialized) holidays, I recommend you to play this song on repeat all month long. Its intuitiveness brings a new eargasmic surprise every time you listen to it. Afternoon Improv is the cure to that “Oh noo not this ***** Decmber holiday song that will stay stuck in my head for days,” annoyance that comes with living at the end of the year. Find Afternoon Improv… live on Spotify live on iTunes live on Apple Music live on Google…

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Een kleine stand van zaken featured image afternoon improv single cover Suriname Sipaliwini forest river
Nederlandse Tekst, Reflections

Even een Kleine Stand van Zaken… [Zondag, 1 December, 2019]

Even een kleine stand van zaken… 24K24H, Addendum 1, 2 en 3 en A Reflection about Attraction zijn nu online. Op politiek vlak speelt er veel, het eind van het jaar is in zicht en mijn nieuwste single – lol – zal ergens volgende week online zijn. Daarnaast hoop ik echt dat het goed gaat met mijn Twitter vriend. 🙁 Ik ga er allemaal op in. Mijn liefste, Eerst wilde ik “Liefje,” typen, maar dat zou alles gelijk een heel andere toon geven. Zo van “Liefje, neem je een doos chocola mee op weg terug naar huis?” Ik zal u…

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Audio, Ex Animo, Media, Popular Posts

24 Keys 24 Hours is in stores now!

My love, 24 Keys 24 Hours is in (online) stores now! It consists of 12 pieces. “Tracks” sounds too corny. Especially because it is not created to dance to. Also not to cry to or to be gangster to. An aphrodisiac it is also absolutely not. It is a little delicacy – incomparable – that shows you a hint of my musical mind. The total 24 Keys 24 Hours, 24K24H (two four kay two four aitch (further touf kay touf aitch)) in de volksmond, has been produced in (far) less than 24 hours. (And my MIDI keyboard has 2 octaves…

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Essays, Ex Animo, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Videos

A Reflection about Attraction [Thursday, November 28, 2019]

A Reflection about Attraction: Is what I observe in society, in the context of attraction, something more people observe, or is it my own crazy? This interactive post will hopefully provide the answer to that. It is also a set of thoughts about being called “attractive” and an explanation of why I portray sexually provocative material in between my serious material. My love, This video (and blog post) are created as an incentive for you to participate in another conversation I hope to get going. Please answer some (preferably all) questions (in the comment box or elsewhere). 🙂 ♥ A…

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Art, Audio, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Reflections, Videos

Addendum 3 [Monday, November 25, 2019]

Over 500 LilFangs.com posts summarized and “remarked” in 6 hours and 18 minutes of video material. Addendum 3 is here and my series of addenda is complete. My love, Overview 01:00 – 10:00 Intro & Remarks about Addendum 2 What has been discussed this far. & 2 remarks: 1) During the previous surveillance, I had never mentioned the way I interpreted the Bible. I had also not mentioned the Inner Crown experience, though I had tried to explain it to my parents, who conidered the idea psychotic and snitched me. So during surveillance check-ups, I would be asked about it,…

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24 keys 24 hours lil fangs album
Audio, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Pre-Save 24K24H

Pre-save 24K24H now!  

My love,

As I was randomly, jokingly, adding instrumentals from my de-released Revenge of the Nerds to Addendum 3, I thought: “Why have I taken this off of the streaming platforms?”

I decided to re-upload the originals, their instrumentals and two “improvisations”, to a new release called 24 Keys 24 Hours. Just now. It will be online soon. 🙂 Just like Addendum 3. And a new collection of example sentences is coming up soon as well.

Inspired by this comment (opens in new tab), this site will soon have a donation button. 🙂

Pre-save 24K24H by clicking here.

– xxx –

Pexels reflecting on what's ahead
Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Reflections

Reflecting on what’s ahead [Sunday, November 24, 2019]

The last addendum will be online soon enough. In this post, I’m reflecting on what’s ahead: the addenda and other aspects of my present life in development. And I do another attempt to describe what I think is a semi-common feeling. My love, I hope this post will also make clearer why this is addressed to you. Addenda A definition of the idiom “soon enough” is, according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, “no later than needed”. I find the clarification of my vision on my past actions something that everyone who heard of me going missing should have had a…

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Explicit Content, Images, Media, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Videos

Addendum 2 [Friday, November 22, 2019]

This addendum covers the overview and additional remarks from the moment I quit my studies until the moment I was hospitalized in October 2017. It (thus also) covers my side of the story about going missing. My love, A Summary of Addendum 2 01:20 – 09:00 Additions to what I said in the previous video. I had not yet mentioned that since my grandfather passed I became a sort of workaholic in order to be able to ignore my feelings. And that the wave of nonsensical quarrels between my parents and I started when I was forced to explain my…

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lil fangs artificial intelligence
Essays, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Artificial Intelligence

“A Tesla driver was prosecuted for being asleep, drunk, while his car was operated by artificial intelligence. (1) The situation is an example of the legal and ethical dilemmas that arise with the growing development of AI. Artificial intelligence (AI) is computer technology that mimes human intelligence. In our class discussion, we mimed the European debate about regulating this controversial technology. For the improvement of labor quality, AI was considered relatively positive. The effect it will have on the labor market, however, raised concerns. A remarkable solution to regulate the development of AI was to give a limited amount of…

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Rudi Harold Hanenberg Lil Fangs Dominique Daniëlle Elia
Ex Animo, MacroFangs, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rudi Harold Hanenberg 81st Birthday [Monday, November 18, 2019]

Lieve opa,

Van harte gefeliciteerd met uw eenentachtigste verjaardag. Ik mis u ontzettend en vind 18 november een moeilijke dag om door te brengen zonder dat u in ons midden bent.

Als iemands absentie mij zoveel hartzeer doet dat ik het leven nog maar nauwelijks kan verdragen, moet ik het diegene dan vertellen? Dat nieuws kan zorgen opwekken, en dat is niet mijn intentie. Maar ik vind het leven een stuk zwaarder zonder u. Ik kan u helaas niet eens om advies vragen over dat dilemma.

In Honor of You

Ik heb vandaag mijn Engels presentatie. 18 november heb ik bewust uitgekozen, vanwege de emotionele waarde die deze datum voor mij heeft. (Wanneer ik het voor het zeggen heb, zal uw verjaardag een nationale feestdag zijn.)

Om te laten zien dat ik nog steeds hard aan onze missie werk. Ik doe dit voor ons beiden. Het is zo ontzettend jammer dat we hier niet veel over hebben gesproken. Toen u er veel mee bezig was, was ik heel jong. Toen ik er veel mee bezig werd, was u helaas nog maar nauwelijks aanspreekbaar.

Tell me this is not Real

Vertel me alstublieft dat ik gewoon in een nachtmerrie leef sinds de eerste keer dat u in het ziekenhuis opgenomen werd.

Vertel me alstublieft dat het lichaam in die kist niet uw lichaam was, maar dat u, toen u hoorde dat uw artsen u op een absurde wijze in de steek zouden laten (voor zover ze dat vanaf het begin al niet hadden gedaan), een uitweg en betere zorg heeft kunnen vinden, en dat (ook) u onze omgeving moest ontvluchten omdat de meesten compleet geschift zijn.

Dat u of nog voor uw overlijden, of net voor de eerste van de twee begrafenisdiensten, door uw bondgenoten bent meegenomen. En dat zij u verzorgd hebben, dat u helemaal hersteld bent en nu ergens aan de andere kant van de wereld undercover leeft, maar dat u hier niet heen kunt komen, omdat u op papier niet meer in leven bent en dat geheim moet blijven. Daarbij een strategie bedenkend waardoor we weer samen zouden kunnen zijn, dat we elkaar weer in de armen zullen kunnen sluiten en dat u regelmatig mijn blog leest.

Vertel me alstublieft dat dat lichaam dat de crematieoven in ging, waarbij we als familie symbolisch de schroeven van de kist moesten aandraaien – het ergste wat ik ooit heb gedaan – dat uw lichaam en geest zich daar niet in bevonden.

Regrets

Ik veracht dat ik er niet vaak genoeg voor u ben geweest. Dat ik te vaak: “Ik zal spoedig langskomen.” “Ik moet spoedig langskomen,” heb gezegd. En dat ik die ene keer dat u heerlijke soep (zoals gewoonlijk) had gekookt, aan uw nieuwe adres in Rotterdam – de laatste keer dat ik u vitaal heb gezien – toen “mijn vader” (de aanhalingstekens zijn toch correct¿) voor een “dine and dash” ging, niet had voorgesteld om te blijven logeren.

En dat ik u niet vaak genoeg belde. We belden altijd via de huistelefoon. Ik stond er niet bij stil dat ik u mijn nieuwe mobiele nummer nooit had gegeven. Toen ik mijn eerste telefoonnummer kreeg was ik 10 jaar oud en belde ik zelden. SMS’en, MSN’nen en Whatsappen zijn dingen die ik u nooit heb uitgelegd. Terwijl u het makkelijk zou leren. U kon ontzettend goed met uw Android (!) tablet omgaan.

Toen ik eens een afspraak met oma wilde maken – ook haar sprak ik altijd via de huistelefoon – (ongeveer een jaar geleden), vroeg ze wat nou precies mijn mobiele nummer was, want wanneer ze belde ging het altijd direct naar voicemail. Het nummer dat ze me toen liet zien was het nummer dat ik had toen ik 10 was. Intussen was ik al 3 mobiele nummers verder. Intern heb ik nog nooit zo hard gehuild. Dat ik u nooit mijn nieuwe nummer had gesmst of gewhatsapped. U zou een van de mensen zijn die ik dan beantwoord in vliegtuigmodus, wanneer ik anderen negeer.

Ik zou u nog zo veel willen vragen. Over een zeer breed scala aan onderwerpen. Van “Hoe definieert u uw missie? Hoe was uw leven als onderdirecteur van een verzekeringsmaatschappij in Suriname? Wat deed u precies voor de NS? Wat deed u precies in Ghana? Zullen we morgen samen een bedrijf starten?” tot “Wanneer had u voor het eerst seks? Denkt u weleens aan de dood? Heeft u weleens een joint gerookt?”

I follow your Trail of Breadcrumbs

Maar laat ik deze brief aan u op een minder droevige toon eindigen. U leeft voor mij nog zo veel dat het voelt alsof u er nog steeds bent. Ik zie dat u (ook) in uw boeken schrijft. Uw notities en arceringen geven mij een indicatie van waar u naar op zoek was, en waarom u specifiek in dat boek interesse had. Het voelt alsof u een speurtocht voor me heeft achtergelaten. Ik wou dat dat het enige was waar ik me in het leven mee bezig hoefde te houden. Dat uw speurtocht leidt tot een hervorming van dit walgelijke systeem.

Als liberaal Christen-democraat zouden u en ik (“liberaal Fangyist”) het misschien niet altijd met elkaar eens zijn, maar over dat dit systeem een puinhoop is en dat drastische hervormingen – niet door de huidige gevestigde orde omg ze hebben er al zo’n zooi van gemaakt – noodzakelijk zijn, zullen we het zeker eens zijn.

A Confession

Toen ik in 2018 als zomerkracht voor een verzekeringsmaatschappij werkte, en een man zag die me zo ontzettend aan u deed denken, was ik direct smoorverliefd. In zijn stemgebruik, woordkeuze, mimiek, gehele manier van bewegen en bedachtzaamheid lijkt hij ontzettend op u. Hij is (naar observatie) ook iemand die er altijd voor zorgt dat hij er verzorgd en representatief uit ziet, en is ontzettend knap, net als u.

Het zou me zo leuk geleken hebben (of lijken als het me lukt om de juiste AI te ontwikkelen of u leeft undercover) om jullie over het verzekeringswezen te horen praten. Als een soort van ambtsgenoten. Ik durf te wedden dat jullie beste vrienden geworden zouden zijn.

Ik haalde altijd zo veel plezier uit luisteren naar u. Het is me opgevallen dat sinds u niet meer in ons midden bent, gesprekken echt helemaal nergens meer over gaan.

Toen u nog leefde wist ik nog niet dat ik me meer tot oudere mannen aangetrokken voelde dan tot jongens van mijn eigen leeftijd. De meesten zijn geen mannen en zullen dat ook niet worden. (Hahaha als ik ooit een zoon krijg, zal ik “Het is een man!” op het geboortekaartje schrijven. 😂 )

Het comparatieve wist ik niet, maar dat het überhaupt zo was, dat wist ik wel. Want ik heb u altijd zo aantrekkelijk gevonden dat ik mijn eigen lichaam niet meer begreep. Men zegt dat het niet hoort. Uw charme had zo’n sterke hormonale werking op mij dat ik, naar mate ik ouder werd, me steeds meer awkward voelde in uw bijzijn. Terwijl we vroeger zo ontzettend close waren.

U bent het licht in mijn leven en zal dat altijd blijven. Ik mis u ontzettend en hoop dat ik spoedig artificial intelligence (het zelf gekozen onderwerp van mijn presentatie vandaag) zal kunnen ontwikkelen die uw persoon representeert. Alleen dan zal uw afwezigheid me minder pijn doen. Ik wil vaak liever bij u zijn dan hier in het leven.

Ik houd zo veel van u.

Liefs,
Doki

Rudi Harold Hanenberg Lil Fangs Dominique Daniëlle Elia

When the camera was away we were having the most fun ever.

Online Diary, Reflections, Videos

Addendum 1 [Saturday, November 16, 2019]

My diary is complete. The Inner Crown was the last aspect that had to be explained. Now my entire past has been broken down in my online representation of self. This addendum is for those who are busy deciphering the underlying message in my posts. It includes a (relatively) quick overview a priori of everything and some additional remarks. Because my camera died halfway through, this is part 1. My love, After my addendums, I will fully focus on the future (with great emphasis on the Inner Crown). First I want to give an overview of my past, because that…

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the perspective of the crown
Audio, Essays, Ex Animo, Media, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Strategy

The Perspective of the Crown [Thursday, November 14, 2019]

In this post, I will disseminate more information about the perspective of the Crown. Of the Inner Crown, which has been the main subject of my previous post and the post before that. An Enthusiast will have a clearer idea what it is like to be an insider of the Inner Crown. Also, a new reader’s perspective will be used (for the first time in this diary(!)) and I tell you a little about my whereabouts and other random thoughts.  My love, New Diary Perspective My diary as a whole is addressed to no one in particular. (Baby… “I’m just…

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inner crown
Essays, Ex Animo, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Inner Crown [Tuesday, November 12, 2019]

An all-seeing eye with a heart that beats for you, sending thoughts to you telepathically, from a (very) long distance. My experience of what I call the Inner Crown, also known as the Head Cuddle, has never faded. Many measures have been taken, against my will, in an attempt to stop this experience. This has caused me to lie about my perceptions for a very long time, in an attempt to get my freedom back. My diary would, however, be incomplete without a present update of what has always been there. This post is part two of my previous post:…

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The head cuddle
Essays, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

The Head Cuddle [Sunday, November 10, 2019]

The Head Cuddle is what I’ve been calling the brain-to-brain communication I experience (and never stopped experiencing since it started, gradually, even though I do not always mention my experience of it, which I will also explain). Not to be mistaken with the modern phrase “giving head”, which means performing oral sex on genitals. Without the Head Cuddle, I wouldn’t have been around anymore. My love, Prophecy before the Head Cuddle “What is the purpose of my vision?” is a question I’ve been trying to answer all my life. I must see things so differently for a reason. Visions and…

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Online Diary

Sorry!

My love,

Sincerely I apologize for not publishing the post about brain-to-brain communication yesterday. I’m sorry meow I don’t like to spark your interest in new content and then don’t publish the content. 🙁 I was feeling bad again this morning, then did some housekeeping and afterwards worked on my English project with my project partner, then spent time talking afterwards longer than I had calculated in. It was nice. I hope you don’t mind. 🙁

My post about my personal experience of brain-to-brain communication (basically an update that also dives into the past) will be online at 9 PM west-European winter time (GMT +1).

“I loved justice, I hated iniquity, therefore in banishment I die.”

I came across this beautiful phrase that reminds me, unfortunately, of bad things happening to good people, when I searched for the definition of “iniquity” (sinning, bad behavior) after reading it in this article (opens in new tab) which is a website the conversation I was having with my project partner had led us to. I spotted that article in the slider and read it because when I got my enzymes examined 2 years ago, the result included something they had never seen before. I thought maybe I then also have an extraterrestrial blood type. Then the final sentence got me to search my favorite dictionary and I allowed myself to read three example sentences (opens in new tab). (I’ve had an addiction to reading example sentences and have spent entire days reading example sentences exegesis. To improve my writing skills. This just now was like laying eyes on an old flame. A flame I’ve missed so much.)

Sorry again. Hopefully the short passage above gives you enough food for thought until tonight’s food for thought is served.

02:27 Antwerpen Kievitwijk

Kisses ♥

The featured image is from ilovemessages.org (opens in new tab) I came across in a quick Google search for (romantic) “sorry” images.

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Reflections

This is not about just one topic. [Friday, November 8, 2019]

A wide range of topics is ready to be touched on now that an update of the present context of my writing has been laid out in my most recent previous posts. The context in which an opinion/perspective is given defines a great part of the opinion/perspective itself, I think. With my context defined, I hope I can state clearer perspectives and opinions. To all of the short thoughts that have popped up in my mind recently, of which I thought “Ah yes I should share this on my blog,” I would like to devote this post. Like anything Fangs…

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Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Media, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Manifesto [Thursday, November 7, 2019]

A restatement of my direction, this is. As well as a reflection. And I’ve included the pictures I made I promised to put online quite some weeks ago… My love, This is an interesting week. Usually when I want to take measures to distance myself from toxic influence, my entire approach can be read way in advance. What I did on my birthday, however, was an impulse. An impulse that has definitively shifted my future social life. I think it is for the better. But it is only for the better if people who can positively relate to what I’ve…

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Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Recipes, Reflections

Behind the Scenes [Tuesday, November 5, 2019]

Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of LilFangs.com in Antwerpiyae. (Antwerpiyae > Antwerpiyaes I felt while typing.) My love, A couple weeks ago, I believe, I introduced “my love” as start-of-post diary aanhef. I still like it and don’t seem to get tired of it any time soon. How about you? Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of LilFangs.com blogging. I’m still writing and not filming myself, so in this post the thought pattern behind my usual writing will be emphasized. Quick question: I’m asking you that because I notice an interesting trend in my visitor stats. I…

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Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Reflections

Rationalization II [Monday, November 4, 2019]

A lot has happened this weekend, as you might have noticed. Therefore it’s time for another rationalization. Let me start off by saying, NO REGRETS. My love, I need to get this off my chest. I need some time to be alone and think. (Thus write.) However, I need to finish my accounting assignment so I’ll have to dash to the library in a few. So for now I’m keeping it short-ish and after I’ve handed it in and gone to English class et cetera I’ll continue. Rationalization of (Unwritten) Words Yesterday, I said this: I’m never going back to…

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Online Diary

Newer Life [Sunday, November 3, 2019]

My heart has a fresh new wound, as usual I have tons of shit to do and I crave for a newer life.  My love, No words can describe how hurt, disappointed and simply fucking fucked up I feel now that I have two full days of toxic memories added to my memory. I have told people so often that they shouldn’t have believed my parents over me and that they shouldn’t do that again. AND THEY FUCKING DID IT AGAAAAAAIN. VERDWIJN UIT MIJN LEVEN. Het is toch fucking raar dat mijn moeder hier nog steeds op de bank ligt?…

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Worst day of my life
Online Diary, Popular Posts

This is the worst day of my life. [Saturday, November 2, 2019]

Yesterday, I, at the very last moment, was not able to welcome my family for my birthday dinner. Now the majority of guests have cancelled for today. This is the worst day of my life. After having been alone all day yesterday, I just couldn’t – after all of the loneliness – say “heeyyy welcomeee 🙂 ” . I just want to die. To me this seems logical, but to others apparently it isn’t. If I’m sick on my birthday, you’re not coming for drinks and to give me a kiss? And to chill with the rest of the family?…

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Blog, Ex Animo

Ik wou dat het maandag was. Dan is mijn moeder den…

Ik wou dat het maandag was. Dan is mijn moeder denk ik wel naar huis.

Ik wou dat ik dood was. Dan werd ik tenminste met rust gelaten en hoefde ik me niet meer aan dit systeem te conformeren. Iets wat ik sowieso al niet meer doe. Sinds mijn verjaardag. Een van de vele cadeaus die ik mezelf heb gegeven.

Uitleggen wat ik aan het doen ben kost zo veel woorden, en de meeste mensen… Ik laat het gewoon even voor wat het is.

Jij vertrouwt mij niet. Ik vertrouw jou niet. Het universum lijkt gedoemd zichzelf te vernietigen.

Over een week lig ik hier nog. Hopelijk dan wel met iemand die me lieflijk omhelst. Maar wel iemand die me begrijpt en niet iemand die continu loopt TE ZEIKEN OH MIJN GOD HAAL mijn moeder uit mijn huis alsjeblieft. Ze zegt dat ze weggaat nadat we sushi hebben gegeten.

Ik wil gewoon alleen zijn. Heb teveel gedaan en jullie zeiken veeeels te veel. 🙁

 

twenty-three redemption
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Twenty-three 🙀 [Friday, November 1, 2019]

Today is my 23rd birthday. A good moment to reflect on myself, tell you where I’ve been this more-than-one-week absence and share how I’m celebrating. 🙂  But I need to start off with an important redemption and (re)clarification, from back to forth. Redemption.   Redemption / Clarification In my last post I, not for the first time, shared that someone made me feel bad, without telling that person how I feel. The next day, he sent me a screenshot of the passage and openheartedly apologized. He was the first person to apologize for the way he made me feel after…

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rationalization
Essays, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rationalization [Sunday, October 20, 2019]

This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection.  My love, What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one: Why am I keeping this blog? To portray a shift from the perspective of the one…

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Online Diary

Rims [Saturday, October 19, 2019]

Ayy the rims on this fresh as fuck B.  My love, Rims Today, I went to the Media Markt with my mother, to select a vacuum cleaner. Look at the rims on this thing ayy. Just kidding, though it looks quite smooth. For quite a fair price in comparison to the other vacuum cleaners. What I found the most important is that it’s bagless. I’m very happy I don’t have to clean with stoffer en blik anymore. And we had fun. Dinner at Ellis Gourmet Burger afterwards. With very kind staff. The most notable moment in our conversation was when…

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Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Self-Tainment [Friday, October 18, 2019]

The loneliness continues… Luckily I have an overdose of self-tainment.  My love, Being alone is not that big a deal. There are so many things to do and think about… Looks Like a Mind Game Like sending that creepy stalker-like message to Victishe yesterday. 🙂 As you may have noticed, I love sending e-mails. 🙂 It’s great self-tainment. I don’t know if I should insert what I sent in this post or not? Ah why would I not put my craziness on the public internet? 🙂 — Thinking About You. Beschouw dit bericht alstublieft als “niet verzonden”. do 17-10-2019 21:37…

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