Monthly Archives

April 2018

Blog, Online Diary

Monday April 30, 2018

12:33 (PM)

It fucking happend again. I type half a book, then my text doesn’t get saved. Fleh. I wrote a lot about being in Surinam and being discovered as an artist. 

Oh and that I made a Twitter account: @_lilfangs. I hadn’t mentioned it here yet, but I made it when I was in Paris. 

Today, I hope I’ll be able to finish a few instrumental versions of a few of my jams. I’m going to shower and eat now, while hoping I don’t get eaten by these guard dogs here, when I walk from my aunt’s guest house to her house. 

Hmm… I said “yes” to going to this jazz event tonight, and I’m also going along grocery shopping… I hope I’ll have enough time for my music today…

17:28 (05:28 PM)

I won’t get to making music today :[. I’m extremely tired and I’m still going to this jazz event… I hope I’ll get some inspiration from it. Now I’m laying in my uncle’s chair. I haven’t shaved my legs in 6 months. I share the most random and most intimate details of my life with you haha. Cuddle me :[. It’s funny how I lay in front of the TV, but I don’t watch TV. All plots, whether it’s “reality” (like the news or something) or fiction, it’s all about murder and distrust and stuff. The masses want to be “cool” like the “human concepts” shown on tv (I consciously don’t say “people”), but the image they’re shown is inaccurate. That’s how people end up being so ignorant. 

Haha okay I tried to upload this picture “of my legs in front of the tv”, but even that this internet connection can’t handle. Or maybe my phone just got overheated because of my legs *smooth face emoji*. That was a joke. 

00:03 (12:03 AM)

I just came back from the jazz event. I really enjoyed it. I’ve gained some extra inspiration for my EP(isode). [I finally decided on what it’s going to be.] I try so hard to not be bothered by flehs, but man… Nah I’m not going to bother you with this now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, about other things. I made a picture of myself when I was there, by the way. I’ll show you later. 

Good night, my love

<3

… I just rushed the end of my message because my mother said: “Huh? I thought you were tired?” I am tired as fuck, but I want to stick to my daily updates. I didn’t tell her that, because I don’t want her to see my fucking blog. I just said “Oh yes” and continued getting ready for bed. Ay… I need to stop doing this sheep slavy shit. But when I start this discussion about their stupidity and ignorance, I don’t want to have to see them ever again. I need some cash…

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Sunday April 29, 2018

22:08 (10:08 PM)
Good evening, my cuddle
How was your day?
I’m standing in the bathroom, because I have a better internet connection here. I’m downloading an voice changer app on my phone. The daily updates of Saturday and Friday are “still being uploaded”… It’s because of the bad wifi connection… There were a few foto’s in them. I think that’s the reason it’s taking so long. So my coming mobile updates will be solely textual. I do want to show you some pictures, though, so I’ll find a way to still get them online somehow.

Today, I’ve been busy working on Nosce t’ipsum’s first episode’s “audio layout”. I’ve finished the audio crib sheets of three out of seven tracks. Tomorrow I’ll finish the instrumental version of those three tracks. I really like them already, even though in the crib sheets the rhythms don’t match up yet. I thought of uploading them, too, but the internet connection here isn’t good enough.

I’m extremely tired, so I’m going to sleep now. I can barely keep my eyes open (but I had that at 5 o’clock already……).

Good night, my sweetheart

xxx

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Saturday April 28, 2018

10:57 (AM)

Good morning, my Cuddle

I’m at the gate now, about to fly to Paramaribo. Just like last year. I see history repeat itself. I have been contemplating suicide again, but every time I think I’m out of strategies for freedom, I get an epiphany. I had to travel to a fewstores to find it, in Paris, but if I wouldn’t have had this Akai MPK keyboard, I wouldn’t have survived this trip forsure. It sounds like a materialistic exaggeration, wanting to commit suicide over not having a music instrument. (I will soon stop criticizing myself like this.) I realized peoplebarely read these days, and even if they would, my writing would still be too complex for them. If I wouldn’t have found another way to get to you, I wouldn’t have survived Surinam.Conversations will be more loud and more empty than ever, since “the entire family” will sleep under one roof. I’ll be extremely quiet, because I’d rather not speak, than say thingsI don’t want to say and don’t care about. (“The second cousin of my friend’s mother’s aunt has done blah blah blah.” “The price of sandwiches has increased.” “This one guy fell off the stairs. It sounded like BRIEB BRIEB BAMBAMBAM.” (*insert loud vocal noise that is so loud that it’s hearable on the other side of the city* (I’ll record it, to give you an impression of what I’m talking about.)) Cool if you want to talk about it, but just don’t talk about it with me and then find it weird that I give “stoic” answers. The only thingI find semi-interesting is the most recent gossip on government scandals. But “real sounding scandals”, not the stuff an organized group of people is doing to America.

And then they’ll gossip about me, because I act “differently”. (Just because I don’t take their gossip seriously… That’s all they talk about. I don’t want those icy words to reach my ears. It gives me cold sweat.) Sometimes when I’m not there, sometimes when I’m sitting next to them. Fleh. I don’t do that to them either. Just like using imperative voice, giving my true opinion and dissing them (“jokingly”). I think that’s hurtful.

So, since I was looking for a way to spend the rest of my life with those who truly love me, while I introduce the system to a new form of politics, based on love, I’m going to make “space trap”. The music will explain my revolutionary concept in baby steps. This is the most public, openly self-expressionate strategy I’ve had this far. (I said the same about the book. But a book “isn’t as easy to judge”. Also, I’m quite insecure about the deepness of my voice… (Just like these daily updates, by the way.(^2 (applicable to the last two sentences))))

When I got this idea of making music before meeting you, I started to wonder about how musicians get discovered. If it depends on your “friends” sharing your music, I would have been screwed. Luckily you just know about it. I know you want these Fang jams in your life. Hehehehehehe *smooth face & hyperhips dancing (Natural Cuddles know)*. I think I’ll release tracks one by one on Soundcloud first… I’m so happy I’ve found an occupation, since I’m taking a break from writing book episodes. I’m not going to release another episode before I’ve ended my old life and started my new life with you. I don’t want to show this weakened version of myself for another episode. In the daily episodes, you’ll see a clear shift in persona, though. In one day. In Paris, I noticed living (literally just existing in space-time) was way more comfortable, but the thought of that this “enhanced comfort” was finite, made it not 100% pleasurable just existing. Now I’m back to constant pressure. I hope music will save me from this. Also, no offense, but I’m in need of a completely new sound. Before I introduce my completely new sound, I’ll hop on “the sound of this age”, since I need a large audience… I look forward to listening to self-made music (with you… *smooth face*).

16:04 (04:04 PM)

(21:05/09:05 PM Dutch time)

I’m sitting past the passport checking area, without a visum. Because my grandmother is a senior, we were allowed to skip two very, ve-ry long lines. First it was her alone, but not much later my parents, sister and I were allowed to join her. I told my father we wouldn’t be able to find my grandma because she doesn’t have a phone. (In case you’re wondering, my other grandmother doesn’t come outside anymore. My dad (her son) has taught her how to Skype. The last time I spoke to her, she told me she wanted

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Friday April 27, 2018

For more information on the story behind the first episode, search for the downward facing triangle on the left side of the paper. (It’s somewhere at the end.) 

Haha from the “scenery around my notebook” you can see the time cheat in this “daily update”.

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Thursday April 26, 2018

12:17 (PM)
Good afternoon 😀

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I had breakfast in the morning, around 09:30. Then I wanted to take a nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I’m kind of stressed out because of Surinam… I decided that I should buy a MIDI keyboard with a drum kit, so that I can practice making beats. And buy a handbag, for “travelling ease”. I’ll also need a bottle of water (because as a tourist, I’m not supposed to drink water from the tap, they always say).

So, my next “impulse strategy for freedom” is making beats. Just like the episode was “an impulse for freedom”. I need these Cuddles mann :[. If you’re not real… :'[[… So… Listen to my music…? Aaarghh I don’t want to feel the pressure of breing captivated in time. Because I want to cuddle so bad I want to finish the task that could lead me to freedon very fast :[. I hope I’ll be able to “establish a name and network” through that. As in “I don’t have the claim to fame to hang out with you”. Ofzo? Fleh.

For today, I’ll be shopping again, then cooking dinner. After dinner, I’ll walk around with my camera again, to take some pictures of the neighborhood. After that I’ll soak in my bathtub, finishing the rest of my cider, and try to go to bed not too late.

Now I’ll take a shower and make “a little bit of lunch”, before I dash out. Three days are far from enough :[. The “highlights” of Rotterdam you can check out in 10 minutes, compared to this city (or any other big city on this planet).

Drafts, Recipes

Noodles: Paris, night 1

Salmon
Tomatoes
Mushrooms
Taugé
Citroengras
Sel
Piment rouge
Zeste d’orange
Sésame noir
Sésame
Poivre Japonais
Algues
Gingembre
Beurre (“doux”)
Noodles

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Wednesday April 25, 2018

07:39 (AM)
Good morniing!
How was your night?

10:03 (AM)
The train is riding…
I feel so much weight getting taken off my shoulders right now…
I’m in this private booth in the train ahahahaha. I kind of feel like “a boss” sitting in this train comfortably, knowing that accross the border, there are different rules.
Finally no more people talking to me as if I’m insane…
Okay, they will be calling me, but will I be picking up…
Ah fleh, why do I keep thinking of these people x_x.
I kind of want to take a nap… But I want to “proofread” my first episode as well. I’m going to upload a few pictures and edit the main menu first ahahaha. My decision making has been “messy” since this schizophrenia accusation thing started… Now I try to fit in a certain “overly dedicated type of person”-image. I really “worry” about the impression I’m making on you, with my writing and photography. It’s all “against the rules”, when it comes to my use of language, the simplicity in my pictures and designs (this far… That will definitely change) and the sides of myself I’m showing you. Since I want to be your leader, I shouldn’t show emotions like anger, fear and sadness, “in the rules of formality”. But I want to do things differently… I want you to see me as your companion. The true version of me, not solely my “leader-image”. I want to show you what the world looks like through my eyes. I want to show you real people. Transparent people. I want you to be able to look at me and exactly know what I’m thinking. (The other way around, I’ll master, too, if you give me a little bit of time.)

We’re leaving the Antwerp station now. This was my “second breakfast”.
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I ate bread with tuna salad and two spoons of blueberry yoghurt, before my mother dropped me off at the Central Station.

11:06 (AM)
I just “woke up” from my mini-nap… I hope I’ll have this booth to myself for the rest of this trip. Maybe then, I can record something. We’re now entering the central station of Brussels.

12:33 (PM)
We’re about to arrive in Paris. I’ve checked the first two chapters of NTI’s first episode.
Loool okay I think I’ve gone a stop too far… The train was standing semi-still, but I didn’t see “the pavement of the station”… Ahahahahaha ayyy…. Haha luckily the stop I’m going to is the final stop of the train, I just realized. I’ll be there at one o’clock. (The ticket said the arrival was at 12:35, but we were there around 1 o’clock.)

14:23 (02:23 PM)
I walked around in the neighborhood a little. Now I’m waiting at the hotel, for the check-in. It’s check-ins from 3 PM.

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After I’ve checked in, I’ll take a nap, buy some sneakers and groceries. I don’t know what to make yet, for dinner…

Also, some pictures from yesterday:
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17:26 (05:26 PM)
Shopping list:
* Sneakers
(* Less warm clothes + a handbag)
* Fresh pasta
* Tomatoes
* Fruit
* Granola bars
* Laurierblad
* Fennel
* Spinach
* Salmon
* Bouillonblokjes
* “Provencaalse kruiden”
* Roomboter
* Eieren
* White wine
* Some meat…….
* Tea

00:23 (12:23 AM)
I’m having dinner now… (*link*) Paris is such a beautiful city! Haha the pictures I took on my phone, of “random buildings” (and not even “the highlights) look way better and more interesting than my pictures of Rotterdam.

I’d like to show you the pictures I made today. After my nap, I decided to walk to the Nike store in the “Forum les Halles” (mall).

I present to you: “Lil Fangs” in “The Elevator”

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On the way, I walked past a Footlocker. First, I told myself: “Well, I’m on my way to the Nike store now…” Then it started raining contra arguments: “…multiple brands…”, “…shorter walking distance…”, “When I was younger, I always wanted to buy my clothes there (but I rarely did)” etc.

I walked into the store, but spotted only the men’s and kids section. The store wasn’t that big… But I still asked someone where to find the section. After gazing at the women’s shoes for a few seconds, I decided to take a look at the men’s section. That’s how I ended up with white Air Force 1 Nikies on.
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I still went to the mall, since I also wanted to buy groceries, and I also decided on buying a good bluetooth speaker. At home, I always use one of my father’s speakers. (He has a bluetooth Bose speaker, speakers you could use in a club and a subwoofer. Oh and the “basic” TV stereo that makes the windows shake.) [I just can’t stand that he doesn’t want to financially support me… His greed……… Fleh.]

By the way, the person who showed me the women’s section, also wants to have a drink with me… I gave him my Instagram… I suck at saying “no” to these kinds of things… He asked me if I was available today. After hours of not responding I said that I was tired and I still had to do grocery shopping for dinner… But then I ended it with: “So would you be available tomorrow?” Only because: “I have plans today, so how about we never meet up?” would sound “strange”. I don’t want to “waste” my time on him (because we don’t have anything in common (otherwise he wouldn’t have worked there. It’s mentality related…) and my time in this city is short. VERY short, my cuddle *looks desperately at you*).
Also, he started the message he sent me with “I really like your smile” and he doesn’t even follow me back… I must have been marked as “hit and run”. FLEH…

I bought Sony speakers and went to the New Look to buy some “summery clothes”… I needed some clothes for Surinam, I told my mother… Will I ever see her again? (I hope not, to be honest…) I still wanted to go to the Nike store for sweatpants, but it was already 8 o’ clock. Standing in line, at New Look, I Googled (#Fangyism) where to find the supermarket inside the mall. I couldn’t find it anymore? Then I saw this “bio supermarket”. It was a walk of only 6 minutes.
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The arrow of the navigation would point in the opposite direction I was walking, every time. I ended up walking around in circles (but the sights were pretty, so even though my stomach was crying, it was worth it). I decided to go to the “normal” supermarket behind the hotel I’m sleeping in. (I wanted to type “my house” ahaha.) When I was following the navigation, I suddenly saw that there was a Korean supermarket “right around the corner” of the street I was walking in. (From Rue Opera something, to Rue Theresa something (because the navigation was still acting up, I walked “the larger circle”).)

I found out I don’t like “raspberry wine”, but I bought two bottles… Haha in the supermarket, I was struggling with the product names. Almost all of the labels on the products themselves were in Korean, with a French price sticker on the shelf it was on.
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“I was looking for vegetable stock.” I ended up buying salt (a lot of salt…) instead of the stock. It was “easier to ask”… I don’t like approaching people I don’t know, because I can’t predict their response (that well)… It makes me nervous. (But still most of the times my prediction is right. Only these “schizophrenia people” are unpredictable in a “level of heartlessness I can’t precalculate” kind of way.)

I walked back… home… I was carrying my heels in my backpack and the speaker and groceries in plastic bags.

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Back home, I still had to buy butter and tomatoes, plus, I felt like drinking cider.

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I’m going to do the dishes and then go to sleep. It’s already 01:39 AM…

Good night baby(yyyy) [But not in that annoying tone.]
I love youu
-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday April 24, 2018

02:22 (AM)

Good morning…?
I can’t sleep…
Often when I type “good night” I take hours to fall asleep. Because I want to go running later today, I checked the weather. Then I checked my Instagram account for updates on my timeline. And I checked my bank account… It’s finally over!!! No more being broke!!!!!!

I’ve claimed my train tickets right away. On 10 AM in the morning, tomorrow, I’m in the train, first class, to Paris!

I’m so hypedddddd!! But I need to try to go back to sleep, because I’ll have the same sleeping struggle tomorrow… I know in Paris I’ll sleep very calmly :D. Before I (try to) go to sleep (again), I’ll charge my credit card, for the hotel.

10:06 (AM)
(Good morning)^2 !
What are you going to do today? I hope you slept better than I did.
Now I’m going to eat some and smoke one. My father worked at home yesterday instead of today, so I have the house to myself now :D. My package [the paperback episode] will be delivered between 11:00 and 15:00 (03:00 PM). Before that I want to have eaten, showered and smoked. Enjoy the rest of your morning :].

11:10 (AM)
The book will be delivered any moment now. I ate rice with fish for breakfast… I wanted to eat something else, but I ate the fresh noodles yesterday. I’m going to take a shower now. My bathrobe and clothes to wear I carry in my hand, together with the Bose Mini II Soundlink and my phone.
(Don’t forget de platen van mijn opa en de muziek die mijn vader vroeger altijd draaide wanneer we thuis gingen dansen.)

13:59 (01:59 PM)
I see the metro arrive.
I’m in it now hehe.
I have the feeling it’s “abnormal” to just sit, not use a phone, and reason, gazing in front of you.
The social anxiety I have is on a different level. Every time someone fangses me in conversation, I nearly faint. That’s why I don’t want to go outside anymore. But I need to do this… I’m just afraid of fainting.

15:35 (03:35 PM)
In less than 10 minutes, I’ll be at the stop near my house. My social anxiety makes me do trippy stuff, man… I “pre-calculated” getting out at beurs, checking out (through the gate with my card) and then checking in at another metro line at the same station, to check out again, so that I can walk through the station, instead of walking around it. Then I would have gone to the Bijenkorf first. I wanted to buy my camera last, so that I didn’t have to walk around with a big bag.

At Beurs, after checking out, I panicked (invisibly) and started to walk to the exit right away, instead of walking past the other “metro spoor” first. I always have that… Since last year, it has been on a different level…

The metro is almost at the stop… “Brb” hehe.

16:32 (04:32 PM)
I’m walking to the metro again now. To take this fleh blood test. I’m so happy with what I’ve purchased. When I’m done taking the blood test, I’m going to try out my new camera (and make-up… It has been so long ahahahaha). I’ll show you the places I’ve been to, when I was missing. After dinner. I changed my shoes. Was wearing heels before.
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I’m listening to 1993 by Jay Prince and Richie Saps. Now I’m waiting for the metro. In the metro, I’m going to eat one of my granola bars, so that I don’t faint when I’m getting emptied (hopefully not by someone with shaky hands).

By the way, I KNEW my mother would say: “Oh, so you have spent all of your money at once?” I elaborately explained how I transferred “most of it” over “two savings accounts”, and that, even though I’ve bought relatively quite a lot of things. Why on Earth does she keep asking me these questions, as if I’m stupid… She’s the one who stepped out of the car and forgot to take the keys out… The engine……… Yes… Luckily it wasn’t in first gear…
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I carried most of it in my backpack…
Fleh blood test people. The last time I used
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I’m walking back so fast, because I was the last client at the hospital’s “blood bank”.
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Last time I did the blood test, I showed the form on my phone, and the person working there did the rest. It was the same “blood bank company” but a different “office” (the one next to my grandmother’s apartment building). This time I showed the form on my phone screen again. This woman told me: “No I really need the form.” I told her: “I’m showing you the form. You just need the barcode, right?” She replied: “No I need the paper.” For what…? I’m not going to do this tomorrow morning…

My mother needs to take a break, man…
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This friend of her (and my dad) keeps stalking me x_x. The second to last text says (literally translated): “Haiii I heard it that you’re going to Paris. Awesome!!! I hope you’ll yellow like it there.” (Heel = very, geel = yellow.)
The last one says: “How burden can I call you? Today? I wanted to talk to you before you leave. Nice man! Kiss”
(Laat = late, last = burden.)
I just got into the metro when I read it. I thought: “Shit… I thought this was over…” I was thinking about whether to respond or not, when she called. I thought: “Hmmm… Am I going to pick up? I REALLY DON’T WANT TO. But if I want to go to Paris… I might as well show that I “can pick up the phone” (because I skip A LOT of calls… I’m not really a fan of phone conversations. I prefer talking in person. And cuddling :D). The conversation took “only” six minutes and 21 seconds. It seemed endless. (Rebel grammar. #Fangyism #Six21)
“Don’t forget to call me when you get there.” “We need to know all the places you’re going to… [I told her there’s no need to worry about me, but I’ll tell her my location]… Yeah because if there’s a bombing we should know that you’re not there.” “You’re going to have so much fun! It will be nice sitting on terraces!” Aarghhh stoppppppp.

Ugh it’s already starting… My mother wants to know the name of the hotel “so that she can take a look at it”. I really hope she isn’t going to fucking call them. This nonsense makes me feel so small :[[. She already told me she’s dealing with a lot of anxiety again. Dude… x_x.

Anyway! I just ate “Kaiserbrötchen” (that’s German) with a tuna salad I made. I’ll write down the recipe later. I’m going to “try out my new make-up look” and get ready to go outside again :].

22:37 (10:37 PM)
I’m on my way to the Maasboulevard
Take a picture of my father’s car. Pimp it with colored lights EQ. (Because it wil look funny.)

-xxx-

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Rice: red coal, asparagus and white fish

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Rode kool, asperges, tongfilet (?)[any type of white fish], white wine, cinnamon, cumin, koriander, sugar, rice, kruidnagelen, santen (“kokosblok”), unions, garlic, salt/bouillonblokje

Botersaus met witte wijn en kaneel
Rijst met boter, zout en kruidnagelen
Gebakken tongfilet
Asperges en rode kool (eerst de asperges bakken, later de rode kool toevoegen)

1) cut (and de-freeze… But fresh ingredients taste better) everything

Drafts, Recipes

Noodles: pre-dinner/”extremely late lunch”

3 eggs, an union, baby paksoi, ketjap marinade, fresh noodles (“soft noodles”), ster anijs, cajun spice, “jonnie boer”(, maggi blokje, garlic)

Add the marinade after adding the noodles, if you want “a more intense taste”.

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After adding the paksoi, leave the whatever you want to call it on a low heat and boil the fresh noodles for 2 miniutes.

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Simple fried egg

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(Got the idea to write it down while I was eating haha.)

An union, four eggs, bouillonblokje, sambal, paprika(poeder)

Blog, Online Diary

Monday April 23, 2018

10:20 (AM)
Gooood morning!
Two more nights left!!
Are you as excited as I am?
I need to cuddle youu. To stop my hidden sadness :[.

Meow……..

Today I have to cook, go to “my psychiatric psychologist” and pick up the pills. Apparently I can use it (the pills) as “an excuse to lay around”. When my father saw me lay on the couch, a few days ago (while writing an article), he asked if the laziness was a side-effect of the pills I was taking. I told him: “Yes, of course.” As long as he doesn’t read my blog before I have crossed the border. I’m not going to use it as an excuse, because I don’t lay on the couch anymore, when they’re around. The things they say to me are always built around: “You’re a schizophrenic,” or “You’re so intelligent you don’t fit in.” Two extremes discussed while they discuss supermarket deals and gossip. Fleh!! Soon their nonsense won’t pollute my mind anymore. I think about it way too much, while hardly mentioning it in the physical realm. It’s unhealthy :(. Another thing unhealthy is trying to sleep, while the television in the next room is on, very loud, and the ligts are on there, too. Two nights left!!

I’m hungry, but I don’t want to go downstairs. I’m going to put on my alarm for 11:30 and write down my self-made dinner recipe. x (I thought I would be home alone today :(…)

14:01 (02:01 PM)
I’m on my way to this fleh psychologist now. I didn’t write down the dinner recipe, but I did write down my “breakfast/lunch recipe”. I should have been there at 2, but I’m at Kralingse Zoom now. That’s the stop after the stop near my house. Where the university I used to study at was. At the next stop, there’s the “mental institution offices”, where I’m going to. I’m going to record it again. The most important thing is to stay nice for one last time and not give away too many hints about my plans.

15:07 (03:07 PM)
I really don’t know how to feel about these mental institution people… They just follow “a mental manual”. The manual doesn’t apply to me. I don’t think the manual applies to anyone. I hate being obligated to let “my life’s questions” be answered by some person who probably isn’t able to answer her own life’s questions, if her answer to “How are you doing?” “Good, because I just had the weekend” is. She told me “I look tired…” :[

15:32 (03:32 PM)
I just bought some granola bars and picked up my medication at the “‘s Gravenland shopping center”. If I can pick up my camera tomorrow, if my study financing is paid on time, I can maybe make some pictures of my hood before I leave it for good. I still have 1.5 joint left, I don’t want to waste. Speaking of “””waste”””, if (basic) Dutch people would know how much I paid for “natural” granola bars… €5.88 for 6 pieces… “woaaaah”. I don’t mean all Dutch people, of course, but there’s this “perfect (white) citizen stereotype” I just can’t take seriously. “Cheap is good.” It’s a matter of taste (for “quality” ((, but) the very best granola bars are self-made)).

Let’s see if I can get an indication of how late my book will be delivered. Before that “I’ll go jogging” (a.k.a. sprint until I’m almost fully “out of gas” (for the sweat), then smoke and walk home). Or after that, depending on how late the book will be here. Then I should do the blood test (around 16:30) and go shopping for my camera and its accessories, plus perfume etc. Maybe a shirt or something, too. I don’t know what Paris will bring me exactly, so I’m bringing an extra shirt, instead of only extra panties.

By the way, if things go “viral” (again), the title “political refugee” suits me better than “runaway schizophrenic”.

23:07 (11:07 PM)

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I’m smoking my last “gerru” ever. I picked up the habit of smoking during the colder seasons. In the mental hospitals I stayed, they “promoted smoking cigarettes” (at EMC they even had shag for those who weren’t allowed to go outside and an indoor smoking area). I smoked there, too, out of boredom, or to take a short break from working on Nosce Te Ipsum.
But to be honest, I don’t even like the taste of (menthol) cigarettes. I like blowing out smoke and sitting outside. Sometimes I sit outside, not smoking, but then, often, people start asking me “what the hell I’m doing,” if I’m there for longer than an hour. (“Well, I just don’t want to be at home,” would be the honest answer. But I don’t tell them that. They should mind their own business.)

So, this was my last day as a broke person. I thought I would get about €3500, but apparently it’s €3800.
I can’t wait to be “out of debt”!!! Finally I’ll be able to invest in my hobby again, buy new skin care products and buy new make-up. Hopefully by book will sell, so that I can pay back the loan right away. They say, two years after you’ve finished your studies, you’re obligated to start paying back the loan, but you pay rent over the two years onwards as well. I think that might cause some stress for the next working generation…
(I don’t get €3800 per month, by the way. I get about €960 per month, but I found out I was allowed to get it last month, so I get the loan from January to April at once.)
If my “career as a “research-author”” doesn’t “play out”, I’ll get in trouble paying back the loan… But it’s worth the gamble. There’s no way I’m going to “join the line” for regular research publications. I don’t have “the network” to become succesful in that anyway.

[As a reminder to myself:
10:00 Opstaan
Ontbijten, credit card opladen, treinticket kopen, blog bijwerken (tips weghalen, afbeeldingen en tags), “boek opwachten” (en daarna verstoppen haha), hardlopen, douchen, eten (maar wat dan…)
16:20 Naar IJsselland voor bloedonderzoek
Daarna naar de stad [It has been soooooo long since I have gone shopping (if you don’t count grocery shopping as shopping…)]
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Pictures of other “artwork”, letter for grandma, pack, print ticket en reservering. Indien tijd over: foto’s van de wijk. ]

I’m going to put new limes in my infuser now.
I’m so excited for shopping and Paris!!! This must be the perfect situation to meet… I hope it is… (That’s the reason why I’m buying make-up ahahaha.) I WANT TO CUDDLE YOU SO BADD aarghhhh. Stupid flehs blocking (not “stopping” in this context, since they don’t even know what they got themselves into) us from cuddling :[.

Lol and let’s hope they don’t read my blog before I leave. And let’s hope there’s no delay in the payment of my study financing. And, most of all, I really hope they take a few days to check my blood. On the form I read they want 5 tubes. 5!!! I’m afraid of needles :[. Often I nearly faint. But fleh. This is almost over. Once I’m in Paris, I’m not leaving to go back home!!! No Suriname – with killer dogs – for this cuddle.

Good night
My love

-xxx-

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Tuesday April 24, 2018
24 April 2018
Audio

Spotify: 2017’s Favorites

Man… In the original plan, we would have been listening to this in the Summer of 2017. The original name was “Summer 2017” :(.

Images

Little Model Fangs

I was about 14 when I did this shoot, in Doel, in Belgium. A lot of (way older) models and photographers came together in a deserted “village”. My uncle invited me over. The pictures with the axe were taken by him. The unedited pictures were taken by a man I don’t know and the (beautifully) edited pictures were taken by my uncle’s friend Mark van Velsen.

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“Project Texo” shoot day 3

The third and last day, we went to the campus of the university I used to study at. When we were doing this shoot, I was still a student.

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“Project Texo” shoot day 2

The pictures of the second day were taken at “De Nieuwe Poort” in Rotterdam, located very close to the central station. Here’s their website: https://denieuwepoort.org/horeca-zaalverhuur/

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“Project Texo” shoot day 1

Project Texo was going to serve as the project to put my brand on the map. Episode 1 tells you about the bailing clients and the client I wasn’t allowed to see, so I couldn’t finish the portfolio I needed for the project. I still want to show you the pictures we made, though. The photographer was Georgiño Naarden and the styling was done by Amy van den Burg. This was the day after “the incident with my boyfriend”, you can see by the bags under my eyes. “My crew” didn’t know. I organized the shoot and did my hair, they picked the clothing, my make-up and the locations. I’ve included quite a few unedited pictures.

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Blog, Online Diary

Sunday April 22, 2018

14:14 (02:14 PM)

Goeie middag :] ( = the informal variant of good afternoon, in Dutch)
How was your night?

As usual, I woke up from the noise outside, but I stayed in bed for hours. My stomach loud, my energy level so low I can’t get up. I didn’t know what to make for “breakfast”, that always turns into “lunch”.

After a while, I smelled the scones in the oven. I got up to brush my teeth, after having played a few rounds of Spider solitaire and having scrolled down the new posts on my Instagram timeline. When I came out of the bathroom, my father asked me if I had slept properly last night. I told him yes and asked him how it was with his friends yesterday. He had asked me if I wanted to come along for having drinks on a terrace. I told him “no” and went jogging.

He started to tell me about how the daughter of the friends he was chilling with, is in jail now. I let go: “Oh, is it because her boyfriend is a drug dealer?” But apparently it was for human trafficing. On Tuesday morning, the police invaded their house. They used some type of bomb to blow the front door out. My father said the rain pipe broke because of it.  The Dutch police are fucking insane, man. They have a little baby, who must now be scarred for life. Why didn’t they just ring the doorbell? Why the fucking unnecessary drama? Only if the other party has bombs, you use bombs. Pussies. Especially because after they let the front door explode, they still wanted to wait until the grandmother of the child, the friend of my parents, was there to pick her up. Poor child.
I’m not certain if the guy is a drug dealer, I just saw this picture of him once, with an amount of weed in a crate, that was waaay above the legal limit. If you’re innocent, and you get involved in a human trafficing scheme, how do you get involved in the scheme in the first place? I think it’s messed up being locked up, though. (Even though I prefer being locked up in jail over being locked up in my parents’ house. If suicide isn’t an option.)

This is my breakfast/lunch

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I made the milk of my chai latte foam by stirring it with a whisk. Normally I use the steam thing from the coffee maker, but my cup is too big and it doesn’t get as warm as when you warm it in a pan. My mother had burned the previous batch of scones, so I made a new batch myself. There were three. I ate two, thought of eating only one, because I don’t want to be called “greedy”, but otherwise I’ll get hungry faster. We’re with four people in the house anyway. But I donated the last scone to my mother.

[It seems a bit dry sharing this “shallow information” on my day, but I want to tell someone. No one in my physical realm asks me about this. They only ask about mental drama. (I don’t tell them their conversation makes me want to die.) Fleh.]

20:37 (08:37 PM)

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I just had dinner while watching the summary of the Dutch football league. We always have dinner at the tv. The questions the news reporters ask are traumatic… “How do you feel now that you’ve lost the game?” “What went wrong in the game?” Don’t you already know the answers? It’s very heavy, on an emotional level, to lose a game. Especially if you have to explain it to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like to put your soul into something and then lose. “If I knew what went wrong, we wouldn’t have lost.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Fleh. I hope sports players are Cuddles too. I would claim Blake Griffin hehehehehe.

I uploaded a few photoshoots. I’m going to add the rest of the “galleries” and make some recipe drafts. Also, I realized the mental institution is going to give me a warrant to lock me up in one of their institutions. I hope I can involve some Cuddles in my process, so that they (all of them. My parents too. (I would say my sister and “friends” too, but they can’t defend themselves…)) will be the ones losing, instead of me.

00:17 (12:17 AM)
I wasn’t in the mood for recipes anymore. I’ll do that after I’ve slept. (Normally I always say “tomorrow”, but that might be unclear, since it’s already past twelve.) I ended up uploading music. “Tomorrow” I need to think about what videos to include on this blog. I hope I can include “Rella”. I also updated my list of names in the NTI (Nosce Te Ipsum) I must read draft, that will stay a draft, until I’ve reached Paris and have more “insider info” (from other insiders). I desperately hope to see you there. Hopefully I don’t even have to switch trains… I don’t want to stay there alone… But most of all – let’s say you can’t be there right away – I don’t want to go back home ever again!! And I don’t want to talk to those mental institution people… Unless it’s in court with you as my witness… Is that what we should focus on? Besides emotionally transferring from 100% catastrophic sadness to 100% truly happy for the first time ever?

I’m going to sleep
I can’t wait until Tuesday!
Tuesday will be nice too, because I’ll be able to purchase some essentials I’ve been dreaming about for a looong time. I hope my family, my friends and/or the mental institution people won’t disturb my mission for freedom…

Good night
I love you

-xxx-

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Saturday April 21, 2018

15:20 (03:20 PM)

Heeii 

I have survived the most nerve-wrecking moment of all time: telling my mother I’ve booked a hotel in Paris… If she says “no”, I need to go to Suriname. But Liée! She only said that it’s not “gezellig”. (A word that doesn’t really exist in English. “Cosy” should come close to an explanation, they say, but it’s more “together, laughing about things for simple-minded people”. When you have spent your entire day with someone, talking about the news and gossiping and laughing about other people’s misery, you go home and say: “Het was gezellig!”, which means: “It was “cosy”!”… I’m not looking for “gezellig”. I’m looking for “breathing space”.

I’ll be “chilling” in the 6th Arrondissement, from the 25th to the 27th. I was afraid that she was going to call the hotel to say “there’s a schizophrenic staying with you”.

17:00 (05:00 PM)
But not even that. She didn’t even ask what part of Paris I’m going to. Or what my plans are. Aight. Every time I have a slight bit of hope for a conversation without negativity, I get disappointed. When I said: “My room has a kitchen.” She said: “When you’re in Paris, don’t you want to eat in a restaurant?” I replied: “No, because I’m so sick and tired of eating food that is not home cooked.” Wtf, man. If I wanted to eat in a restaurant, I wouldn’t have booked a room with a kitchen. With “another friend” of mine I had a similar sort of situation. Look:

After I uploaded my ebook, I suddenly felt bad about not informing my environment of what’s coming. So I replied to the text I mentioned at the end of episode 1.

He said: “Hi Dominique, long time no see. How are you? Would you like to grab a bite (to eat?) together with me and Farog?” And then he signed off with his name. (It’s quite a “formal” looking message.)

I replied: “Yeah I’m good. How are you? This is the link to my ebook:…. In the evening I have a mathematics test, after that I’m free. When would you be available?” [Normally I never “include an “update” on my life”. But I see there was no reason to anyway. Because]

He replied: “Ah nice. Yeah I’m good too. Do you think it’s nice to eat something? At my place or somewhere in the street, Thursday night Farog and I are available.”

By “when would you be available” I was, of course, talking about the eating. But because of that dumb question I thought “fuck it”. I also thought that because he didn’t even reply to the risk I took by informing him about my book. He was one of the people who had very close contact with my mother “when things were bad”, last year. If he would have read the exerpt or anything, and inform anyone else, Paris could have been sabotaged (by him and everyone he involves). [Friend or enemy…?]

I replied: “Ah [miming his writing], if I would be completely honest with you, that halfhearted statement (“when would you be available” and not “yes cool let’s go today”) was more an act of solidarity. Otherwise I would have proposed it [“hanging out”] myself. I also have to cook tonight, “so this isn’t a good moment for me”.

Greetings,
“Dominique””

He replied: “Hi, too bad, but no problem :). When is best for you? Jim”

I replied: “”No problem”? I try to politely tell you that I don’t want to “chill” anymore. Not another empty conversation. Is there something you want from me? Because then I do want to meet my “friendship obligations”, of course. That’s my only exception for “a hangout”.

All the best,
Daniëlle”
He didn’t reply anything. Fleh. If you ask someone when you are available to eat something somewhere, that would mean you’re accepting that person’s invitation. But if you give me room to give my opinion (which he didn’t expect), then that’s fine. I sent that text with trembling hands (the second one… The third one, too, actually). I expected an objurgation or a derogatory statement. Apparently he didn’t even understand what I was saying. Is my style of writing too complex? I try to keep it simple… I could make it more complex (natural), if everything you’ve read this far was easy to follow. I’ll make a poll about this. Some other things have priority, though. I’ve uploaded 42 articles, but I still need to check them for spelling errors (I’m not going to do a grammar check, because that will take too much time. I’ve written a lot of things on my phone. Spellcheck is disabled on my phone (so that I can type faster), so only that I’ll be checking). I also need to add featured images, tags and check if the right categories are checked.
But first, I’m going to eat. Then my parents will go to Amsterdam soon. Before that I’ll go jogging. Then smoke a fat joint (I “missed” 4/20…) when I’m home alone. (On my parents’ “balcony”, so no one can see me. This “The Netherlands against drugs” campaign is making people say crazy things…)

00:14
I’ve written a lot again. And I made a lot of pictures. I’ve cleaned the kitchen. Now I’m sitting in candle light.

I wonder if I should upload the picture I made of the pose I was sitting in…

-xxx-

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I Love Diversity

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” – Mother Teresa

Convivalis1 m, f (neuter convivale); third declension
con = (samen) together, vivalis = (not even a word, but it looks like vivare: the second-person singular present passive subjunctive of vivo: I live.)

I hope your life is a convivial experience.

The world is full of people of different cultural backgrounds, races and genders, of which you are a mixture too. We’re all offspring of our Ancestors. I love Diversity is here to celebrate exactly that. There’s no specific reason why. Sometimes after being stuck in a certain rhythm of shifting between ups (inner victory and prosperity), and downs (inner suffering and chaos (stagnation)), you might just feel like taking a step back and appreciate yourself on a maximum level. – Treat yourself! –

For this campaign, Epicureanism has been a source of inspiration.
How do we know things?
In Epicureanism, all sense perceptions are true, for it’s the result of a sense-organ stimulated by a real object, which is represented in that perception as it is in reality. Everyone sees the world through his/her own eyes and thus, I would say, has his/her own truth. The more you know about these different perspectives, the more you could be able ~relativeren~ to comprehend your world and justify your own beliefs and ambitions. Then you can easily understand whatever it is you want to learn, achieve, feel, etc. in life. Isn’t that what education is for? (When you study different theories you’re doing the same thing.)

Life should be an enjoyable experience for everyone. How do you go about it? To let people inspire people feels like a good way to celebrate diversity. That’s why I’m looking for you.

~~ E.PN~~

I’m interested in hearing what you know and what moves you. Any topic is welcome! From quantum mechanics to enjoying the light of the sun.

Let Time Heroine be a product of us all.

Ex Animo

A.D.H.D.

What if my body and mind can do way more than I believe is possible?

I set my own mental boundaries.

Can we escape time?

Because I feel like having dinner on the beach.

Wait.

Are you down to go to a place where you can do whatever you feel like doing whenever you feel like doing it?

Let’s go :D.

Ex Animo

Betawoman

Fear the Alpha.

With his empty Clouds that bring darkness to life.

Duality in Reverse implies The Beta.

Female Equivalency powered by the East’s Light.

A Dove with Hawk-like ambitions.

Are you ready to Evolve?

Stop it, Babylon.

I’m an Amazon.

Lil Fangs

Posts from my old blogs, Random Thoughts, Reflections

An Open Letter To All World Leaders

Featured: It’s a man’s world & Black mirror season 3 ep 1

I, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, have nothing to hide.

Ik, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, heb niets te verbergen.

Reading and sharing my message would be highly appreciated.

It’s time for change. Don’t you think so too?

 

Dear world leader(s)

(Not necessarily referring to America here)

If all the “myths” about our privacy (or our non-existent privacy, depending on how you look at it) are true, I can easily reach you by posting this on my social media. I want to reach you because I notice that the things you create have a negative effect on my well-being, and the well-being of those around me.

I’m not here to threaten you or anything. I don’t even know if you would see me as a threat anyway. Are you a man? Are you a group of men? Or are there women involved in this? If you look at who created our economic system, you can see that it’s mostly men. And the controlling (God-like) positions are controlled by men too. This is a logical phenomenon when you take human nature into consideration. A man provides (creates in Latin hehehehe, supply) for his family and a women takes care of the family (demand). Men and women have different life purposes. Can men have children? I’m not trying to say that women shouldn’t have active roles in society, but when you look at the most influential levels of power in this world, women aren’t on influential positions (America: first female president? Have you learned to trust black men (first black president) before learning how to trust women? Why? Because America is so capitalized it’s easy to use America as an example.)

I think I can relate to you because I think like a capitalist. I dream of fast cars, white beaches, love (what is love?) and sky blue seas. That is what I want my future to look like. I’m also very much into mathematics, playing video games, sports like judo and basketball, and women. As you can see those are manly interests. Still I’m feminine (mother nature). I think we can be very good friends. I just want to talk and get to know you.

Making big changes might not feel like the right thing to do now, but maybe it’s time for a woman’s perspective.

Knowledge is power (scientia est potentia) is the slogan of the Information Awareness Office. Do you really think that knowledge is the answer to all your problems? Do you think that you can gain all the knowledge in the world? I don’t think that’s possible. I think being wise is more important than being smart. Sapientia est potentia. (Funny that autocorrect turns potentia into potential.)

If time is money, how much time are you spending on yourself?

Fear is not the only tool you can use to control a large group of people.

Angst is niet de enige manier om een grote groep mensen onder controle te houden. Ik denk dat geld moet rollen (dat kan je al zien aan het feit dat ik bereid ben meer uit te geven dan jij. Ik denk ook niet dat dat “geldverspilling” is). Je kan ervoor kiezen om je geld voor jezelf te blijven houden (problemen doorschuiven naar een volgende generatie), het geld uitgeven aan jezelf of het geld uitgeven aan anderen (wat ik ook steeds vaker begin te doen. Nu ik meer verdien dan ik gewend ben, heb ik ineens meer over, en sparen is niet echt iets voor mij. Je weet toch niet hoeveel je geld waard is in de toekomst.) Sharing is caring, right?

Another thing about me is that the things that are on my mind the most are time, myself and nature. What do those 3 terms mean? Do you believe in duality? Do you believe in God?

You might control how we occupy our bodies, but you can’t control our minds. More and more people are becoming aware of the reality we live in and more and more people want to see change. I don’t want to harm you in any way. I would like to discuss options with you. Now everything is quite calm in terms of opposition, but what if people start to realize that violence (that what you show them) is their only solution to this problem?

Do you watch tv…?

[I was a different person when I wrote this. I’m not looking for partnership anymore. Not with them. I don’t expect them to alter their ways for me. Also, I’m not that fixed on gender and races anymore. Some sentences might need some extra clarification, to see that the intention is harmless and peaceful. I’m addressing two groups of people in one letter, I guess. On the one hand there are the people who create chaos from the shadows (are they Dutch?), on the other hand there are their marionettes who speak for them, but might think differently.]

Drafts, Posts from my old blogs

Wordt vrijheid van meningsuiting te letterlijk geïnterpreteerd?

“Je stinkt uit je bek, ik heb je nooit gemogen en je moeder is een slet. Ik mag toch gewoon zeggen wat ik vind?”

Men heeft niet altijd het recht gehad om te zeggen wat hij/zij vindt. Voor vrijheid van meningsuiting mocht men niet eens zijn of haar eigen geloof bepalen. Nu is dat bijna ondenkbaar. Vrijheid van meningsuiting wordt gezien als iets goeds, maar is vrijheid van meningsuiting nog steeds goed als dit anderen kwetst? Vooral wanneer dit

[I’ll be writing about this sooo much…]

Drafts, Posts from my old blogs

Suicidal Weakness

Kendrick Lamar – Mortal Man

Do you think about death?

I notice there are huge contrasts in opinions about suicide. Some people consider it an act of cowardice. “Not being able to deal with reality so taking the easy way out.” Other people regard to it as an act emboldened by the divine or chauvinism (e.g. suicide bombers). And then there’s the group of people who are drained by the drudgery of their human existence to such an extent that they don’t see the purpose of it anymore. I used to be part of this group. (There are probably more groups and opinions, but these are the ones recognizable to me.) Sharing this part of myself is quite hard for me, but my story might be something you can relate to.

Do you have an opinion on suicide?

The longing to end my life was the strongest at age 10, but the emotional process that initiated it started long before that. You know young children can often say anything they want and get away with it (depending on the cultural environment). When I learned how to speak, I would talk everyone’s ears off. It was even so extreme that once I invited a homeless person to my birthday party. (He never showed up, though, haha.) The people who were victim of my curiosity and enthusiasm would always respond to me with the same warmth, so I thought this was how all humans communicate. This was seemingly just how people treat young children, because they’re innocent. What made me odd as a kid was that I was emotionally hypersensitive. When, for example, a parent of one of my friends would yell at him/her, my friend wouldn’t really respond to it, and I would end up crying. In Kindergarten the diversity in people’s true nature came to my attention. The only thing I could give people through communication was my love – being mean wasn’t part of my skill set – which made me an easy target for bullies. (I had to learn how to be harsh to be able to fight off these people, and still feel uncomfortable invoking this “self defense mechanism”.)

Have you ever been bullied?

When you express your happiness, enthusiasm or love for someone you expect/hope to get something similar in return, right? (In “economic” terms: you would expect the “emotional marginal cost” – you saying something positive – to be equal to the “emotional marginal benefit” – the (positive) response you get.)  For some reason the effects of a negative response would emotionally weigh down on me for a much longer period. If I would tell someone “you have a nice shirt” and he/she would respond with “fuck you”, the memory of this would haunt me for days (or even weeks).

Meanness of others was one of the factors that made me dislike my life, since I was so sensitive. Another one was the education program I followed for children with an above average IQ. We used to do exercises which assisted us to reflect on our emotions and express these. This, however, made me realize how much I bottled up a lot of my feelings, and even though I shared them (in the group), no one would ever really understand them. So my emotional awareness became a burden.

Are you fully aware of your emotions?

Anxiety

Puberty and chronic loneliness were the two final factors that made me favor death over being alive. I was one of the first of girls in my class whose body started to develop, which made me feel very uncomfortable (especially because it went quite fast). And other kids would gossip about it, and that made it worse. But the funny thing about this is that, besides my boobs being too big for my age, I looked and sounded like a dude. And people would mistake me for one, depending on what (oversized) clothing I would be wearing. (My Borat mustache didn’t make it any better either, haha.) Bad looks weren’t the reason for my preferred demise, though, it was the judgment and mistreatment by people in my environment that came with it.

Were you confident about how you looked at the age of puberty?
Is it a given that people who look good get better treatment?

I was, am and always will be a total nerd. Most of my friends were (and are) guys, because my interests were “more manly”. (Gaming, programming, cars, etc. interest me more than shopping and make-up…) But even though my friends were really sweet, the feeling of inner loneliness was stronger. “Who created the universe?” “Why am I black?” “Who is God?” “Where do musicians get their inspiration from?” “Where am I from exactly?” “Do the stars always stay in the same formation through the night?” “Why do we have to go to school?” Were the questions on my mind, but nobody cared about that. (Especially in Kindergarten.) I started to question the purpose of life, but was brainwashed by the idea that we live to work long hours like mindless zombies, which seemed meaningless to me. (Back then I didn’t know there were other ways to survive.)

  • Escape @ writing, sports, piano, gaming. Passion @ writing, hoe. Less and less enjoyment.
  • Tired. Tired a, b, c. Would rather not exist than experience these emotions. I never signed up for this?
  • Monday? Afternoon. Sudden fit of anger & sadness. Grabbed knife. Grandma & sister. Couldn’t leave her, didn’t want it to happen to her too, watch out for her. Deal with myself: make it count. (When sh*t hits the fan….)
  • Anxiety: left-over weakness, being indifferent, scared to make mistakes. Business, but peers say get a job. Get a job. Get a job. I don’t want to waste my time and brain capacity! Do it anyway. Put mind to something like mom. Grandfather same ambition. Finish what he started.
Posts from my old blogs

Finding My Purpose

What’s your life’s purpose?

 

 

 

Finding out what your inner mission is and how to put this into practice can be quite a battle. While coping with daily life you somehow also need to find out who you are. Hopefully those who don’t know what their true passion is yet can learn from me finding mine. In this article I’ll discuss my attitude towards the future when I was younger, what education has (or hasn’t?) done for me and my self-reflection strategy for finding my purpose.

At age 4, when people would ask me what my plans for the future were, I would vigorously tell them that I would want to become the next Oprah Winfrey. If my younger self were to be labeled, “absent minded dreamer” it would definitely suffice to define the kind of individual I was (and even till this day, that label suits me.) The (Dutch) schooling system motivated me to think about the future early on, as it embedded me in special classes for children with an exceptional IQ level.

In this system, it’s normal to pick one field and cling to it and as a child I was much inclined to dovetail other people’s behavior, consequently, the thoughts about myself in the future were heavily inspired by my environmental surrounding. Often I would overhear conversations where people would complain about how much of an idiot their manager is or how people neglect themselves because their work is so time consuming, et cetera. As a result of that, the question of; “What profession is fun, challenging and not a deprivation of my freedom?” became the central query that had been on my mind for the past 16 years. (Now I’m 20. Choosing the right path requires a lot of thought.)

The first “genuine” profession (since “Oprah Winfrey” isn’t a profession haha) that caught my interest was that of a psychologist. Before concepts like “don’t trust your neighbors” were introduced to me, everyone I would come across became a victim of my curiosity. So finding out you could actually specialize in learning about other people’s behavior for a living was a pleasant surprise. At the time, I was 10 years old, when (probably because of puberty) a depression managed to get the best of me. (For more information about this, if you’re interested, you could read the article “Suicidal Weakness”.)

Education has played an important role in facilitating me to find my purpose. What I very much enjoy about studying is connecting the dots between different fields of knowledge in order to get “the bigger picture”.

Your weaknesses aside: what role would you like to play in this oneness we call “the universe”?

“Always aim for the most beneficial,” my grandparents and parents would tell me. They were referring to picking subjects and courses that would leave me multiple ways of getting a proper job in the future. “You will have to work twice as hard,” would be the after-comment. I don’t know whether this idea is a differentia of my family or this is cultural, but I was spoon-fed with the perception that as a person of color “getting accepted by society” isn’t as easy. In this light, high-level education and good grades became the standard.

Studying “gymnasium” (Dutch Middle School until High School) was an interesting experience. I’ve met such diverse personalities during this period, in addition to learning Latin and ancient Greek which have changed my perspective on life for good. However, when I was in the middle of it, my appreciation of it began to decline. School started to feel like “a non-challenging waste of time” (although the development of this frame of reference was partially attributable to peer pressure). I much rather wanted to really make something of myself by putting my ideas for the future into practice and focus on mastering one subject instead of studying eight (or more).

Are we taught to dislike school?

Since helping others and getting the bigger picture interested me so much, I figured studying economics was right for me. In high school this was already one of my favorite subjects. It’s like mass-scale human psychology with numbers. (Also my grandfather, who I look up to very much, studied this subject.)  Learning new things I consider fun, but I’m far from a model student. The type of student who prefers to let the material pile up, that’s me. It takes quite some energy to “get in the zone”, so moments to study are carefully chosen. “The zone” stands for the feeling of complete concentration and excitement I experience after getting my mind to focus on just one thing. Achieving this gives me a headache sometimes, for there’s so much on my mind.

The first block started off as an interesting experience. I had traveled to other countries before, but the setting at the university was international in a different way. There were so many like-minded people with totally different backgrounds. You can learn so much from just talking to someone who’s from a different country! Also, the switch from High School classes to lectures was a nice one. The pace on which information was given seemed higher, which (most of the time) made it easier for me to keep paying attention and not let my mind “wander off”.

My grades, however, were bad. Really bad. It affected my self-esteem. Was I too stupid? I’d pursued my old study method of letting study material pile up, only to find out that to gain confidence for passing a test, I needed more time. This became a dilemma, because studying wasn’t the only thing that kept me busy. I started my company in the same period the course started.

In the second block my streak of bad grades continued, but for different reasons. “Studying” microeconomics drove me to intense self-reflection. This was (nerd alert) awesome on the one hand, but a bit confusing on the other. I analyzed my own decision making on a deeper level, for I was incentivized to ignore “common sense” and just follow my intuition. One question kept occupying my mind: why would I continue studying at the university if this makes me feel bad about myself? Getting a degree wasn’t a priority – it was just out of interest, so I found the study pace unnecessarily high. 9 years, for example, instead of 3 years to get my bachelor’s degree would have been more convenient for me. The fast growing pile of study material left no time to work on my own business, and I wasn’t getting ready for the job market anyway. My company is my future, which weighs heavier on my mind. As a student my results didn’t represent my competence and as a boss the development of my company was way too stagnate. So I quit university. I know I’m not stupid. Reading about economics is now a pleasurable pastime.

How do/did you experience being a student?

I was heavily disappointed in not being able to stick to my original plan, which was slowly starting up my “life’s business” while being a student. This was the first real plan that was entirely my own decision. Going to “gymnasium” was my parents’ decision in essence (considering I wasn’t allowed to choose a lower level of education). After having looked out to “finally be useful” in life for so long, I didn’t expect to quit after three months. But neither did I want to continue killing my own self-esteem.

My sadness aside, self-reflection has been the true key to getting these self-insights. There are two aspects that establish my reasoning. The first one is that I want my actions in the present to be an asset for the future. Like a law in my behavior, to not waste time. (Is that a survival instinct?) The second one is that I always take the well-being of others into consideration when doing or saying something. This I consider as an odd form of egocentrism, since thoughts about my future dominate my mind, but improving society is my main endeavor.

The tactic for getting to understand yourself better, or at least what works for me, is to ask other people questions about themselves – and compare perspectives – and to ask yourself questions about yourself. (In short: introspection and extrospection.) I’m talking about the hyper-random-out-of-this-world type of questions. The questions that will result in you hearing something you’ve never heard before. Listening to (jazz) music is also an effective tool for getting to higher (self) insights.

Do you find it hard to formulate questions? No worries! The Mind Light app provides these wild questions for you, which is useful when you’re on a date, at a party or – life-saver – in a very awkward situation. (Yes, I’m shamelessly promoting my first app :D.)

[This app will be renewed and re-released whenever I have the time for it.]

My true purpose is to spread wisdom on a world-wide scale. To help others realize themselves and make the world a better place. I’m not made for “the classic 9 ‘til 5”. Instead I want my life to feel like it’s one long holiday. By creating a platform on which others can share their perspectives on life (Time Heroine), sharing my own perspective on life, assisting artists in conveying their messages, starting small projects based on specific concepts (like the I love Diversity campaign) and building a network that is meant for self-development of the individual and inspiring modern business (E.PN), my intention is to propagate a broader view on self-knowledge.

I don’t have a degree, I don’t have investors funding my projects (it’s all low-budget, currently), I don’t have any working experience. Will I be successful in life? No idea, but I want to chase my dreams and try to make a change.

Don’t we all want to see better days?

[Note: This post has been originally written a few years ago. Even though, right now I am doing something different (Time Heroine doesn’t exist anymore), my goal is similar. I keep finding new ways to achieve the same thing: a new system.]

Posts from my old blogs

Are Muslims the new Jews and Blacks?

Frank Ocean – Bad Religion

From my own observation of history, I seem to notice a trend. It’s like there’s always a group of people who get associated with bad things happening in the world. During the Second World War the Jews were stigmatized with “being the cause of all evil”. (Actually anti-Semitism was already enforced throughout the whole of Europe (and beyond) way before that, but everyone knows about WOII.) With “terrorism” being today’s reason for fear, it seems like Muslims are the new target.

Do you recognize the same trend?

I was astonished by how serious this situation was, when I spoke to a friend. She’s a Muslim herself, and she told me about how her relatives witnessed hijabs being ripped off heads and people yelling at them how bad their religion is. If that’s not crazy enough yet, read this:

My friend herself applied for a job as a tutor. She got invited for an interview. When the company representative saw her, his facial expression changed. He looked quite shocked. They weren’t even in his office yet, when he told her: “I… I don’t know how to tell you this, but… We don’t hire eh… Well I couldn’t hear that you were… You know…” My friend didn’t understand what he was trying to say. “We don’t hire people of your religion, especially when they wear hijabs. I couldn’t hear that you were a Muslim on the phone. If I would have heard it, you wouldn’t have been invited to this interview.” Even before they reached his office, she was already sent away. (She’s a law student and told me that “religious aspect” of the organization’s policy is against the law.)

What is so bad about religious clothing?
Do you think religion is a topic that people can easily discuss today?

Sometimes I hear people say that religion is “bad”, because it causes wars. People fight each other and say their God has ordered them to. But I wonder: are the teachings of the religion the cause of evil, or do the people who interpret the religion just have bad intentions? From studying religion myself, I got the impression that the Scripture itself is harmless. (I’ve studied the Bible, Koran and Talmud for a bit – just out of curiosity. My “opinion” on religion is, however, quite uncommon, for I believe that there can’t be a universal interpretation of Scripture. You can show someone a Bible text and tell him/her how to interpret it, but that doesn’t mean that he or she has the same perception of the piece of text as you do. Even if you claim to believe in the same religion. You can be part of a religious community, but do you then automatically believe the exact same thing? Some Christians are more lenient than others, yet they’re all labeled Christians.)

Have you studied a religion?

I say “the new Blacks” because of the stereotype that is being associated with the way Muslims look. There was a time when black people weren’t considered human beings. After slavery and apartheid (one of the few Dutch words that are internationally known) were abolished, black people were still shunned by some communities. They only knew blacks as a lesser race, and expressed this through their propaganda. Today this still an item, but in a “less extreme” way, for black people get stigmatized as people who call each other “nigga” all the time, shoot each other up in gang wars, play basketball, listen to rap music and eat fried chicken. I’m black myself, and have received my own fair share of racist comments, too. (“How can you be intelligent if you’re black?” “Your dad must be a drug dealer. How else can you have money?” “Your Dutch is pretty good for a black person.” (And Dutch is my first language, haha.))

When I came back to the Netherlands from visiting my cousin in Ireland, there was a “life threatening situation” on the airport. There was a bomb threat and the police were searching people’s cars. They weren’t searching everyone’s cars, though. Only those of “people who look North-African” (which is a “euphemism” for “we’re looking for Moroccans”). The first thing I thought was: “Oh. So only people who look North-African are able to place bombs these days? Why weren’t they searching the cars of Chinese or Indian people?” How can policemen sense someone’s ancestry? The car searching turned out to be pointless, because the threat was fake. Excuse me, but isn’t it extremely discriminatory to profile people like this? Can you imagine being seen as a threat, just because of the way you look and what you believe in?

Have you ever been “racially profiled” and searched?

A bigger threat to our peace I consider the people who blindly believe in these stereotypes. You can tell someone “all Muslims believe that if you don’t have the same faith they have, you should be killed”, and he/she might actually believe this. They feel hate against races and cultures, and spread this, like a forest fire. (While we should work together and learn from each other to grow, in my opinion.) Did Donald Trump use this as a tactic to get votes?

What can we do against this “tunnel vision” on races and religion? How do we enlighten them on, for example, Islam is really about?

What do you think of this? Do you agree with me? Do you think what I say is COMPLETE NONSENSE? Please let me know! My intention is to collect reactions on this article, and then compose a response article to this one. I wonder what other people think about this and believe this should be discussed more. You can send an e-mail to responses@timeheroine.com. Please make the title of your e-mail the same as the title of this article.

Also if you’re – like me – interested in propaganda, the movie “Reefer Madness” is a must-see!

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