Monthly Archives

August 2018

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, August 31, 2018

15:36 (03:36 PM) 

My sweetheart <3

How are you today? 

I have so many more questions for you! I’m saving them for when I get the chance to assemble my Council of hand-picked influentials. By “influentials” I don’t mean these young people you can pay to influence crowds through the huge network of followers they have. I mean these Cuddle Graeynissis who have so much knowledge on how the system works, [but they don’t talk about it that often, because, unfortunately, the masses don’t think about it that much and they might not yet have a strategy for making the change they want to see,(????)] who have a very specialized, unique, powerful position within the system or within an organization. 

For me it’s quite lonely being focused on the future and “the things unknown to mankind” so much. Often when I try to talk about these things with people of my age, I get: “I don’t know. I don’t want to think about this ooooooofff.” My passion (as my focus) is my greatest distraction from things I don’t want to think about. Also, I’d feel empty without a cognitive challenge. 

I know Graeynissis have every single the answer I crave for… (Scattered among them.) 

Aw how sweett (literally hahaha)! It says: “Thank you for your assistance in saving thousands of holidays!”

17:01 (05:01 PM) 

Reminder to self that I elaborate on my target audience (and my special Graeyniss…) and the order of my marketing campaign. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, August 30, 2018

23:27 (11:27 PM) 

My Cuddle! <3

I hope that, exactly a month from now, my pressure group will start to grow. This group should consist of people with a lot of knowledge, who are specialized in different fields. From doing business to doing research to making music. Project Nosce Te Ipsum allows you to show yourself as a brand, from a different perspective. We will be combining (self-)research and entertainment. It is my intention to internationally brand the process of all pressure group members, while they write their Nosce Te Ipsum thesis, which will give them the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. 

Haha today I learnt that 6% of the traffic from my website this month came from the Erasmus University. That’s amazing! Since my page is still in maintenance mode… I would love to see that percentage grow. You’re my target audience! I want to assemble those who aim for “the highest”. 

During the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign, you’ll define your purpose in life and shape a path that will make you achieve this and all the other goals you have. (I am saying YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!!!) 

At the ANWB student event I attended to yesterday, I have had a few chances to talk to one of the directors of the company, which was the reason why I went there. He is so nice! He told me that he is a blogger (too) and would love to propose a seat in the D. O. C. I. S. International Council to him, which would include participating in the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign. (I am very afraid of rejection, though. If he says “no”, I’ll probably delete this paragraph (and be sad lol) haha.) 

I’ll elaborate on this tomorrow. 

Good night, my Meow <3

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

01: 27 (AM) 

Hi, my Cuddle
How was your (Tues)day?

You might have noticed I’m postponing covering important topics that relate to my plans for us and describe what I have done and seen in much detail. I want to talk more about what lifts me up, instead of what has brought me down. 

The detailed descriptions of what has brought me down [I’m writing this down now, once and for all, so that my past is made clear (to my readers), and I won’t have to explain it again, because now you have reference material ;], to understand why I’ll make some future moves] I write down because I’m afraid I’ll lose my memory the way I did when I was stuck in a system I have been running away from. (This is not “crime related”.)

[Hahahaha I just heard Green Eyes by Erykah Badu for the third time in a very short time. I shuffeled all of my music and ended up adding the song to a playlist called “New Variation”. This playlist is still very short, which reminds me of the playlists on my iPod Nano haha. The playlists I had on that were like 7 songs X-D. It’s so cute how I no have so many more songs in my library, because I have so much more storage room. The way technology has evolved hehe.]

I’m going to lake and sleep :D. “Tomorrow” [that is how you call after you wake up after a long sleep, right?] is the ANWB student-event I’m looking forward to. Before that I need to do grocery shopping and somehow finish at least 40% of my statistics assignment. I’m thinking of sharing some clips from going there (and being there?) on my Instagram/Snapchat? _lilfangs for Instagram and lilfangsss for Snapchat, by the way, haha. 

Good night

My Cishe


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, August 26, 2018

21:38 (09:38 PM) 

Hey Cuddle <3

*Insert poll*

Apparently, my being without 66% of “ugh” in the house starts tonight :]. It would be amazing to nudge this special Graeyniss (or these special Graeynissis?) about this and just run off and start a new business adventure together. Including a lot of cuddling :D. 

I have been talking about how I want to continue my studies, because my degree would be my back-up plan. This study is, however, such a huge distraction from what I really want to do. Since my parents don’t want to pay for it anyway, and I actually do not enjoy it at all… I just want the title. And I don’t like not owning the business I work for, which is “the best thing you could get” with a degree, the position of a CEO or “Cimilar” (CFO, CSO, CHRO, C…) basically… Okay, in my case, the best thing I could get with a degree is the “official title” of “independent researcher” (“Illuminatus Intelligens”, haha…)…. But in school you only learn formalities? And for becoming an independent researcher, you basically need a large network of Graeynissis. I was working towards saying: “If my business doesn’t work out, I’m better off dead.”
Another huge distraction is my “40 hour side-job”. But this is my last week :D. 

Look how bad I was killin’ it yesterday without a supervisor, by the way:

At the end of the day, I did all 46 of my own tasks, picked up 71 tasks and postponed 19 of them. The postponing was done because there’s this “confirm hand-in” task that must be performed 10 days after the hand-in date, but so many people don’t put the task on “10 days later”, so I have to do it… Within the 10 day period, the case stays open and there’s room for claims and stuff. 

Ah, I’ve missed you :[. I want to spend so much more time with you (in real life)!!! 

Haha, by the way, I made the example sentence “That’s so Graeyniss”, but first didn’t have a real-life example of this. Now I do, haha. I bought this:

Haha “bretels” are so Graeyniss. This is hands down the most beautiful bra design I have ever seen.

This is the front :]. It reminds me of a suit haahahahahaha

The model I’ll receive will look slightly different, though, since my size is 70F. Haha I want to show you………. 

What I, of this month, don’t need to put into my company, I have spent on “investing in a better impression”. I’m being quite camera shy, because what I wear and the places I go to don’t “suit my character”. I’m, as far as my budget allows this, changing this, this month. When it comes to my apprarance: today, online, I’ve bought: two pairs of new jeans, two dresses, long and short sleeved (but more long sleeved) shirts, two bras, a stack of panties, a matched sports set, a bralette, shapewear, fashion tape, an ankle bracelet, a running bracelet (for my phone), a fanny pack, a new wig, organic face cream, organic eye cream, my own merchandise (nu pas….. En ik betaal ervoor “ahahahahahahaha”), organic make-up remover, organic body oil, a new bronzer and “vintage velvet” lipstick. Oh, and a few days ago I bought these “delicacy cheeses” I now “can’t live without” (truffel cheese and “pepper cheese”(?)). But I guess for true “delicacy cheeses” with more powerful taste, I need to look abroad. Haha normally I don’t even “omg look what I just bought”. But I tell you everything, right <3. 

My environment doesn’t match my character, in the sense that I actually think it kind of sucks and I don’t feel at home here at all. I like socializing, but only if the topics require actual thought. I cringe from walking past people, or laying in my bed and (thin walls :'[ ) not being able to block out verbal noise going “Oh my god do you know what *name* said the other day?  Blah blah blah.” “Oh my god. *Starts deep conversation for wild animals sentiment* Well I think this and this and that about that.” “Blah blah blah.” E-ve-ry fucking conversation has the same construction. I’m so tired of following the script, that I just purposely rush it every time someone ambushes me with it. I want to live among people who cringe from this as well. They’ll probably also don’t like smelly alleyways and walking through big crowds of people acting wild. 

I was wondering if I should account for my expenses as business expenses, since I’m buying this to impress you (as my target audiece meow) and I’m the product of my business… But I don’t want to be like my father haha (as in saying things are business expenses, while they’re not). But it only works when I generate an income from this, which I’m currently not, since my books are unpublished, and my sites haven’t been “SEOed” yet. One week left, and then I can work on its change, in which I’ll succeed, just like last time, within 14 days. Are we going to Milan afterwards? I’ve already seen some cheap flights… I like how understanding Latin syntax allows me to understand Italian. I’ve been “speaking Italian” at work haha. Arranging “consegna auto” ahahahaha. 

My exact spendings in the order I’ve bought them in:

(“The Cheese House”, who shall remain nameless *(!): $15.95)

Fashion Nova: $233.48 (“incl.  -$58.36 discount”, “which makes me feel even better about my purchase”)

Asos: €90.97

Marlies Dekkers: €184.85 

AliExpress: €3.71 + €9.95 = €13.66

Douglas: €61.83

Fangs’s Store: €159.93

Vitaminstore: €75.69

Divaswigs: $389

I still have more than €1600 to spend. 

With this, I’ll definitely last for quite some time. It has been years since I’ve shopped like this. It’s actually my first time ever shopping like this, since my parents sometimes say “You want me to pay (…) for that?? Nah, that’s not worth the price.” Is it me, or is it ~only in the North~.

I can’t wait for next week yoo (the beginning of it, especially, since then I’m still “parentless”. They come back on the fourth or fifth or something). I then finally have the time and money (as in some savings) to not have to work to pay my bills, or hide from the system (long story…), so I can write all day. (This process could go way faster, if you’d help me out… ;] *indirect reference to the first longer paragraph of this… Article? Blog post? Diary post…? Is it really a diary post, if I’m talking to you, my reader? (Is the setting I’m trying to paint with my writing. Is it working…?) I’m showing you my most intimate side, though…*) I would love to combine my writing with some good conversations with you (is in the end business not written correspondence? People (sapiens, not you…) don’t understand the link between being an author and doing international business…). I don’t want to make my exams. I detest putting that before my business. 

I need you, my Graeyniss!! In my “social environment”, where people DON’T KNOW I AM LIL FANGS, I have no Graeynissis… I have some “people my age (with a +7,-5 margin (as in between 16 and 28))”, I can level with, but no one who could be my friend, (polyamorist) lover, business partner and teacher at the same time… I know real Graeynissis hide from the masses. The masses who act like ignorant wild animals… How can I meet you, my Graeyniss? :[ Why do I live among these wild people and no Graeynissis?  x_x

*(!) Speaking of “these people” and “shall remain nameless” (this “supervisor”!!!):

Ah,  meow. I’m going to eat “dinner” now. I don’t think I’ll get time to translate this from Dutch to English… 

01:21 (AM) 

Aiight let’s get itt. 

The top image’s file note 44 says: 

(I seriously got complaints on making my file notes to elaborate, so…) “Called client to say that if he gets a call by Europcar to tell him there is a car reserved, this is definitive. [This because there was this colleague who told him that it might go wrong again, another colleague had tried to reserve a car at Sixt and then told him to go to Vienna airport to pick it up, but then Sixt didn’t have anything available for him, so I made a reservation request at Europcar, who later informed the client that they didn’t have anything that day either, but they had something the next day [this wasn’t even a case of mine. I just (luckily?) happened to come across the email of Sixt saying they didn’t have anything for him (in German)].] I asked them if they have travel insurance and if they have a place to sleep tonight. [Because often, when people, like this man (and his wife and 3 children), have had a car breakdown the night before, they search for a hotel, for which they have the right to get (at least a partial) refund, if they have travel insurance. (But people often don’t know this.)] Then I have been told that they have slept in their broken car with their three children last night (the youngest is 7…) [Such a conscious age :'[.] and that they’d have to do that again tonight. That is not right… :[. They don’t have much money at the moment [after their holiday], they told me. They have travel insurance at Centraal Beheer (Achmea). Is there a way to arrange a hotel stay for them? Please… 

Tomorrow, at 9 am, they’ll pick up the car at Europcar Vienna Airport [and it was 3 in the afternoon or something when I spoke to them…]. (So please [search for a hotel] in that area…)”

Note 45: “I went to a “mentor” [the word “begeleider”, which is “the floor term here”, is something like “mentor” (I think that says “I need a lot of guidance” too much. I prefer to say supervisor (even though my true preference is to have no one above me), but when I use this, some say that sounds too “like you want to be of the elite”, just like I’ve been told to say “toetje” (=”sweet”) instead of “dessert” (=”dessert” (also a Dutch word)))] to ask to whom I could refer the hotel reservation task to, to which she replied, after she said: “Are they Moroccans? They always sleep in their cars, right?”, that they, even though they might not be able to pay for this, will have to pay the hotel stay upfront [because that is the procedure]. I went back to my desk after this, but more because I was so shocked about her cold, extremely racist statement. Since she is the only “mentor” here at this time, I don’t know who else to go to. I told them on the phone I’ll be able to find someone who can inform them about a possible hotel stay, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to do this.” Later, someone else has told them the ANWB will cover €75 of their stay. I think they didn’t understand that I was trying to make an exception. Normally, insurance companies give a refund (in the Netherlands?), but I was trying to arrange for them to pay for it upfront. 

While I was translating this, my mother walked in to ask me when the payment deadline for my next curriculum is. I told her September 13. Then she suddenly said “We’ll talk about it.” I wonder what caused this, but I don’t want to ask, because they’ve hurt me so often, I avoid conversations about topics close to my heart now. Part of me wants to feel relieved, because if I can keep up my studies, I keep the right to receive study financing. Since my ANWB contract ends on Sept 2 and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to become “one of the Graeynissis”. Also, I don’t enjoy studying now, because I have no free time, so every time making an assignment, it’s “now, or never” *insert extreme sentiment*. But the courses are very interesting (for putting into practice). [Personal finance, the follow-up from my current mathematics course and “running the economy”(!!!) :D] 

About “now or never”, though, I have a deadline on Sept 28 (Maths) and one on Sept 29 (Stats), and work 13:30 – 22:00 Monday 27 – Tuesday 28 + 08:00 – 16:30 Thursday 31 – Sunday 2, but I only did 7 out of 24 Maths questions today (my off day). In the meantime I was just thinking about how bad I want to write you… I guess I like learning, for the tools it gives me to put the knowledge into practice, but the for way I want to put it into practice (is already defined and), I never need to do what I write down on a test, and I have too much of an “If I don’t get an A, I’ll feel as if I’ve failed”-mentality unnecessarily weighing me down sometimes, I’d rather just write a thesis. Because I can already easily do this. I have already written down the backbone… Why wait another two years……. My Graeyniss……………. 

It’s 03:15 and I’m going to try to do some Maths before going to work, so… 

Good night, my Graeyniss

I should tell you this every day. You’re so precious to me. 

I love you


Images, Online Diary

Thursday, August 23, 2018

06:19 (AM) 

Good morning <3

How was your night? 

I’m going to hit the shower


07:15 (AM) 

I’m at the gas station now. Just filled up this fucking big tank + got breakfast… 

09:52 (AM) 

Long time no semi-selfie?

Another angry client because she had been waiting for a substitute vehicle for more than 24 hours. She was in a quite secluded area in Hungary. I managed to arrange a car delivery from Budapest. I called her to tell her the delivery will take place around the end of the afternoon. She told me it has to take place sooner, because she has been waiting for very long. I tell her this is the soonest option. She says it’s not good enough. I ask her if I should cancel the delivery. First she said no, but later she said yes. So I ask her “You are going to pick up the car in Budapest yourself?” (It was about 2 hours from where she was at.) She says “yes”. I tell her, you’ll get a €75 refund for this. She says “No, you’ll get a fat bill from me for this”. I said: “Then I’ll now call Avalon to cancel your delivery. Bye.” Not even 5 minutes later I receive a message from a colleague who has been called by her, saying that she wants the delivery still. Oh my god, these people, man… I chose this job because I needed an investment and this seemed like a very noble type of work… 

14:43 (02:43 PM) 

I mentioned becoming part of the ISSN network earlier. But for our internationalness’ sake, and the “unfortunate” fact that I am, right now, still a sole proprietor (and not having offices across the globe), I’ll stick to ISBNs. I can only give out ISSN codes via (“what a surprise”) another royal organization (these monopolies, man….). But you need a temporary or permanent Dutch address to see publications published with a Dutch ISSN code, I saw. That’s not Cuddle proof… 

21:47 (09:47 PM) 

Pass Out

You look so cute

I almost fainted


Will you be with me? 

When I pass out [paaaa-haaaa (higher pitch) – sssssss – ouhououuuut (mid pitch (lower than the previous, but higher than the one before that))]

Sometimes it just happens

Pass out

I want to:

  • Write a summary of all Nosce Te Ipsum episodes and blog posts I’ve written this far. 
  • [Random] The times I remember passing out: Albert Heijn (±6 years old) , “‘s Gravenland festival” (±10 years old) (+koningsdag), die ene keer “toen iedereen een compleet andere herinnering van de avond had” (±19 years old), die ene keer in de douche (±19 years old) 

This was when I started working at the ANWB (“Royal Dutch Automobile Association”)

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

15:01 (03:01 PM)  I’m eating some left over noodles now. After this, I’ll cycle to the Polak building (or the other one? I find that building prettier. It was closed last time, though) and try to finish as much as possible from the statistics assignment, until I meet a Cuddle in the city center. He bought me a pregnancy test… Because of my work hours and fatigue, I haven’t had time to do this. (Also, I just don’t want to know…… (Unless it’s good news hahahaha. Good news = keeping my freedom lol. It sounds fucking freaky, having an abortion… (But when I said “No, you don’t have to…”, I was aware of the risk I was taking. Aware, but not consciously feeling the fear I don’t want to feel…))   It was the heat of the moment, after spontaneously kissing this Cuddle, and this becoming more and more intense, which made me answer “no” to the question if I want to use protection. The chance I’d climax using a condom was way too small,  and if I don’t climax, I won’t be able to sleep…  21:00 (09:00 PM)  I forgot my laptop charger… I finished question one to five. Now only question 6 is left. I think I’m going to write down the financial plan. I need to finish my test before 11 pm to have enough time to make a pdf file (since I write my answers down on paper and still need time to copy-paste everything (including my Minitab worksheets) into one Word-document and then convert it). I’ll do this at home. (Haha my boyfriend said I shouldn’t start every sentence with I. But it’s so easy………………))). 22:19 (10:19 PM)  A moment of silence for the times I didn’t take the shortest route home from the city center. It’s “over campus” ahaha… How do you end up in the situation where you are in a bus that arrives on campus around 09:30 pm? Haha caaattttttttt (^  3 ^)…      ^      ^        (^3^) 22:51 (10:51 PM) 

Time zone cheattt (for me, it’s an hour later…)

The funny thing about of all of this is that “I don’t know what I’m writing down” “haha”.
Blog, Drafts, Recipes

Fresh noodles for lunch

Fresh noodles (for 4 people haha) (7), courgette (5), plantain (2), eggs (3 fry them in the same pan), tomatoes (5), cumin (4)(6), cinnamon (6), santen (4), laos (6), soy sauce (replacing salt, for me)(8), half an union (1). 

The numbers indicate the order I’ve added the ingredients in. 

I actually wanted to use five spices, but there wasn’t any. This is another food improv. Some mild sambal of your preference will go very nice with this. 

Don’t use the sack of spice/sauce that comes with your noodles (if that’s the case). 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

03:44 (AM) 

I can’t sleep, my meow :[. I realized the satin thread my future is hanging on is even thinner than I thought before… Save me :'[.

07:03 (AM) 

It was a tough decision, but I just called in sick. Now I lose my right to the €100 “performance bonus”… I must say me feeling fucked up, while never before having called in sick or in any other way miss out on a shift, doesn’t say ANYTHING about my overall performance. It’s tough because from September onwards I might be without an income, if I lose my right to my student loan (again…), if my parents keep their feet down when it comes to them wanting me to work at least 24 hours a week and not pay my tuition… (That is: no degree and being stuck to minimum wage and empty conversation for the rest of my life, if I don’t find my Graeynissis… My degree is part of my back-up plan.) 

On the other hand, I am so glad I finally have a day on which I can semi-recover from all this shit… I’m so exhausted. There are so many ways in which I want to relax… I want to watch The Office US (that’s what I always watch when I feel un-cuddle), read example sentences (my guilty pleasure… Best book ever lol), play the piano and make the financial overview. I can’t cram all of these things in one day, though. I mean, I can do it, but then I’ll still get more tired instead of feel less tired. Plus I’ve been having a serious headache for a few days (or is it weeks?) straight now, I pee at least 10 times a day (for weeks…), and this strange sensation in my lower belly doesn’t go away either, but my physician has been so hurtful to me, I never want to see her again, so I don’t know what to do with this… 

They say don’t share your medical information… Or your sadness… Let’s prove that it doesn’t cause bad shit one day. 

Anyway :D. I’m going to search for something nice to eat. 

22:51 (10:51 PM) 

My Cuddle, I’m going to add a layer of openness to my writings in this category. 

I try to keep things semi-chiseled, because I want to have you (who’s reading this right now) on and by my side. There are these unspoken rules in business culture I’m somehow trying to implement in how I write down my experience, but right now, I just want to say fuck it, because it’s not my natural behavior anyway. I’m not describing what I mean very clearly. I think, if I give  you this one example, you’ll understand what I mean. I earlier mentioned “this strange sensation in my lower belly”. By this, I actually meant “I might be pregnant”… I haven’t mentioned when and how this has happend, that this has very recently happend before also (that is wasn’t the first time…) and (to this person…) that I am a polyamorist. 

It feels a little strange writing this down here, because this is the website you get to when you click on “blog” on my “business website”. (This is actually my business website as well (my business has two names). This is the “brand” side,  the other is the “formalities” side.  (Public correspondence here, the back-end on the other website.)

But fuck it :D. Life is waaahaaaay too short to be chiseled all the time. I want to be drunk and high at the same time so bad… [Need own space…] So that’s what I’ll be doing tomorrow, while I make my statistics assignment, after I make my statistics assignment, before I make my statistics assignment… (Okay, at least I’ll be high. With alcohol I have 0 productivity… Plus, I get hangovers so fast (if I don’t drink a gallon of water before going to bed, for which I’m often too drunk and lazy haha). I don’t drink alcohol that often. I smoke weed about once a day… But not always, like today, I haven’t smoked and yesterday I haven’t smoked either.) 

I want to make the financial overview. 

I didn’t do anything today, by the way. I had a little bit of pasta for breakfast, then I untied the twists I wear underneath my wig and went to bed. At some point I woke up so hungry, I had to get up, before I wasn’t able to do that anymore. I made some improv noodles, ate them and drunk some orange juice, then went back to bed again. Later I read some example sentences (I use them to fantasize) and had dinner (a one-pan coconut curry with spinach and fish + rice dish). Then I washed, conditioned and combed my natural hair in the shower. 

I want to write the financial overview, but I can’t give you the exact numbers yet, because I don’t know how much income I’ll get this month… I don’t know if I’ll receive my study financing this month, because they asked for proof of enrollment a while back, and I haven’t submitted it (yet…?). I want to be enrolled for a full-time period next year, before I submit it. If I won’t do this full-time study, I’ll probably never submit the proof…….. 

I just got the impulse to re-publish the first and second episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum and these diary posts as one book, under a different name. I took them offline, because I didn’t describe Nosce Te Ipsum as extensive as I wanted to, and put too much emphasis on the powerless situation I was in at that time. By vanishing a second time, I semi got myself out of this situation, but financially, I’m basically in the same unnecessary situation.

When it comes to my business, I really want to just work with Homo Economicus individuals (no Sapiens… and) not businesses (especially not governments….). We need to be un-chiseled, but in this way, as a Graeyniss, you’re harder to reach… I never spot wild Graeynissis in public (is that “the wild” to you?  Ahahahaha.  It is,  to me…) Do you live close to where you work?? 

By the way, it it just me, or does it seem like “Chaos is waking up from his slumber”? All Summer – as always – basically nothing happens. And now, again, I get more and more of these pop-up “breaking news” messages I can’t seem to turn off. The app is native. I can’t uninstall it x_x.

Me delivering a short statement about unprotected sex is just the slightest hint of purity (“wildness”) I want to show throughout my works. Project Nosce Te Ipsum has a movie (starring you, business professional who actually shouldn’t be involved in entertainment, but who has, like me, decided to say “fuck it”? :D), which also has nude scenes. (But not flashy, more subtle…) 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, August 20, 2018

11:43 (AM) 

When I, yesterday, said that today was going to be the same, I was still hoping that I at least could get out of bed on time. 

How was your night? 

I’m going to try to get up to search for clothes to wear and hit the shower


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Yet another client who threatened to involve the media and sue the company (and me somehow). He said: “Maak je borst maar nat.” Literally translated, that is: “Wet your chest.” It means: “Get ready to battle.” This time because this flѐh didn’t get the car he wanted at Trieste Airport. I told him the car he gets depends on the availability at that moment. He was at the police station because he found that the person working at Avis was racist for not giving him the Mercedes he asked to keep aside for him. They wanted to give him a Volkswagen Tiguan, but that wasn’t good enough for him. I got a request to call him back, because first he wanted to pin it on me that he didn’t get the Mercedes. By that time, the Tiguan wasn’t available anymore either. He ended up getting some van of which he said it was damaged. This didn’t suit his holiday setting, he said. He travels with his pregnant wife. When he put me on speaker phone at the police station, to back him up, I didn’t. I told him the car he gets depends on what is available at that moment. He said that he needed to talk to a supervisor, because “I didn’t want to help him”. (I just didn’t agree with him, that’s all…) 

In the end, I ended up requesting a car delivery from Croatia for him. When I called him to ask him if he will accept an Opel Astra Sports Tourer, he said “only if the car has navigation and if the car doesn’t break down”. I told him he actually can’t receive navi, but I still requested it at the Croatian rental service [I got a crazy discount. Normally it’s €45 a day, but he gave it for €35 for the full 13-day rental period] and that I can’t guarantee him that the car won’t break down, but that, if the car gets delivered to him, I assume that it drives properly. The car was bought in July this year. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, August 19, 2018

14:21 (02:21 PM) 

Hey Cuddle, 

How are youu? 

“Haha” yesterday I mentioned getting up early to work on my statistics assignment… I asked my Google Assistant to set an alarm for 9 in the morning. When it went off, I realized I was too tired to work on it still. I kept hitting snooze and, the first two hours, trying to take a little nap in between alarms, with the actual intention to get up after it went off, but I just couldn’t… Then I was trying to lake in between alarms (haha for the first time I decided to ride the passionate thought wave I can truly lake on… Why have I waited so long…). After I succeeded, I had gone from “very early and having enough time to get ready and make sure I have everything with me” to “boiii if I miss the next alarm I’m going to have to rush to not be late” around 11:40. My shift started at 13:30. It’s “a 30 minute drive” (if you follow the speed limit) and, after parking, it takes at least 5 mins to get to my desk. After showering etc – no “breakfast” – I still had to assemble my dinner and snacks to last this day without passing out. I have with me: a container filled with soy beans I ordered with the €50+ sushi my sister and I had last night (actually they wanted to order Indian food, but the place was closed… Earlier this week I had a €20 pizza + Ben and Jerry’s*), two multi grains + apple cookies two-packs, two bounties, an eat natural bar with yoghurt and apricot, an apple, a small container with tiramisu and a supermarket Caesar salad without meat. 

* I’m saying this to emphasize how much I’m financially (e.a…) being neglected by not being allowed to travel far away,  them obligating me to work, because they don’t want to have me inside the house too often, and them declining my investment proposal, while I proposed to pay fucking interest. I want you to understand my perspective when I say: “Fuck them. I need to get the fuck out of here and never come back.” They have been eating takeout at least three days a week since I was sixteen… I cook whenever I get the chance (and either there are groceries to cook with in the house (almost never (not what I like)) or I buy groceries, if I have money for that). But lately, school, work and blogging require too much time and energy to cook… 

21:30 (09:30 PM) 

30 minutes left… (And then tomorrow the same thing over again :'(. If I didn’t do this for investing in my business and getting a VAR declaration… I wanted to say “I would have quit”, but I can’t take that reputational risk…) I “look forward” to another university day on Wednesday, to make my statistics assignment. Hopefully then, I’ll also find a moment to make a financial overview, so that I have an easy reference I can use to descibe all of my plans (for us) with you :). 

I need plenty of Graeyniss insiders to distinguish myself the way I want to… You would distinguish yourself even more… Only if we work together, we could create new standards when it comes to communication and innovation. We communicate differently, in the sense that we treat each other with respect and our sense of humor requires intelligence instead of just being hurtful. When it comes to innovation, we’re the only ones putting our minds to it, so whe should do this togther (it’s efficient, it’s Cuddle…). If we don’t do it, no one else will… (Otherwise it would have already happend… I’m 21…) Also, if we would form a team (Council), which is a body that delivers consensuses (to overthrow the current public opinions on good and bad), we wouldn’t be alone anymore… Right now there are no such convivial groups of Graeynissis. 

We’re the only Graeynissis left anyway… (Graeynissimus… [Cuddle has capital superlatives]

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, August 18, 2018

10:51 (AM) 

Good morning,  my Cudlle

How was your night? 

16:01 (04:01 PM) 

My shift is almost oveeer yeeeheeeessssss. 

I need to work on the statistics assignment afterwards… But I want to chill :[. I thought of purchasing a Nintendo Switch, but that will leave a lot less for me to invest in my business. My business, which includes you as my Cuddle Graeyniss, is my life. Other than that there’s nothing here for me. I will never feel contempt with a routine that leaves 2 days of “freedom” for me, that, until the end of time, will either be filled in with hanging around inside the house, having a drink, going out for dinner, clubbing or playing pool, having the same type of oneliner conversation day in day out. These 2 days will then not be filled in with working on my own business, because in that life, which I will not be able to live, I would not have my own business. 

00:22 (AM) 

If I would compare the pressure on getting my business to a “running state”, related to how much I can relax, in my experience of June 6, compared to now… Now I have work over school over my business over relaxing, while having fallen so hard for my parents’ financial trap in June (April: “May I go to Atlanta?” “No,  it’s too far and too expensive,” [that’s greed, far from not having enough money] as one of the many fucking bullshit reasons why no [sorry for saying this¿ but sometimes [I use that word out of politeness. It’s actually “always”] I wish I had that lenient type of generous (white) parent [I’m not familiar with lenient black parents, but they must be out there somewhere… Maybe one day I will be one… Then again, maybe not (as in no children)]] June: “I want you to stay somewhere near me. 5 days in a designer hotel in Utrecht? Sure. Trying a new restaurant every day? Of course. Letting me stay in a (two bathroom) family apartment in a resort for two weeks? [I miss this apartment so much…] With ease.” It’s really not the money. It’s because people always ask for me and their answer should show that they’re not snakes…. “Where’s Dominique?” “I don’t know. She ran off to the States as soon as she had enough money to leave the house,” would make them look bad, right? 

Ah,  meow. Why am I talking about this frustrating topic again… 

Make me happy? I’m a very never mentioning depressing topics type of person when I’m happy. Haha all you have to do is genuinely cuddle me (and do business with me¿  :D). 

I’m going to try to get up early so I can do some statistics… 

By the way, I’ve added two images to yesterday’s post (haha I wrote poge on accident (that’s “page” and “post” mashed up)). 

Drafts, Reflections


To make sure I answer the question:

“Why do I often do, agree with or suggest things, out of politeness?”

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, August 17, 2018

02:58 (AM) CEST

Mind if I show up like this?

Alarm 10:30

Leave 12:00

Finish Mathematics assignment

Fix dinner?? 

It’s Saint Fangs’s Day on August 23 (that is not my birthday).

I’m going to finish the story about how the outside mirror of my mother’s car wasn’t broken after waking up (I HOPE :D). 

12:48 (PM) 

Good afternoon :]

Haha every time I go to the university library in the afternoon, I want to stay until closing time, but at some point I need to rush home, because I’m too hungry and am not a fan of ordering takeout. Now I have half a baguette with a fried egg on it with me. I could also maybe get a salad at the supermarket. I want to stay until closing time so that I can smoke some weed in peace after I’m done ehehe. 

20:22 (08:22 PM)

I just finished my mathematics assignment. Wanna see it?

20:41 (08:41 PM) 

Hahahahah it has been soo long since I’ve been high on campus. 

23:44 (11:44 PM) 

I have started to edit a little,  after smoking. 

Haha I just realized that my header image makes it seem like I’m somehow affiliated with the Erasmus University. I would love to be, but this isn’t the case (yet? :D). It’s a picture I took on the night before I went to Paris… 

I would love to talk to you much more,  but I have to get up at six because work starts at 8 IN THE AM. I’m exhausted, it feels like my heart needs some true relaxation (I haven’t had time to relax in soooooooooo loooong) and I think I’m getting sick… My mother has a fever and I kissed her on her forehead… 

Ohhh now I remember the “epiphany”, from earlier again. I’ve deleted it,  because I started to write and then started to edit my other website,  never finishing my statement and having forgotten what I wanted to mention. 

I wrote: 

Scroll down for English….. 

“Er schoot me net ineens iets te binnen”

[That is informal Dutch for “I just had an epiphany”. It’s informal in the sense that it’s a oneliner in common speech that sounds like you want to say “After a (very) long period of mental silence, this just popped into my head”. Literally translated, it is: “Something just shot inside of me”. I used this sentence jokingly. (As in I don’t talk like that (unless I’m with someone who talks like that,  because I adapt (just like you ahahaha) ).)]

After such a long time,  I have had a thought,  that wasn’t that much “oh my god this lifeeee how do I get out of my parents’ house and leave a legacy behind”-related. Okay,  sort of… It’s more general,  but,  because I,  after the thought appeared, started to focus on again, I haven’t answered the mental question that appeared in my mind yet. It was: “Why do I often agree with, do or propose things I don’t enjoy at all, out of politeness?” [But if it’s Graeyniss related you know it’s never un-cuddle!!] 

Hahahaha for “Out of politeness, could the other party maybe just adapt to me”: but it’s not “Please just,  out of politeness, do not propose it”.)

I will answer this question some other time [help me remember? There are sooo many things on my list still  :[ ] ,  as a reflection article. [That category is way too emptyy. Your reflections should be in it as well… ]

I need to go to sleep now if I don’t want to collapse any time soon :D. 

By the way, a few days ago, I ended up reading a few of my articles from old to new. It was so addictive… The amount of articles seems infinite… I just kept reading and reading. It’s interesting to re-live these things. I wonder how it’s experienced from your perspective. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, August 16, 2018

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

Hey Cuddle :]

You must have thought of yourself with superpowers at least once. What were you doing then, as my hero?

The fluctuation of my grades doesn’t mean I suck. It means “I have only 15 mins to hand it in, so I’m not going to finish it.” (And then scoring all points on the few questions I have answered.) All TMAs and iCMAs make up 20% of my final grade. I can still get this “8 on average”… These are my mathematics grades. My statistics grades…. Are worse…. 

I’m going to start working on my mathematics TMA right now (I have today and tomorrow off). Hopefully I can finish both of my TMAs within these two days (except question 1 of my statistics TMA, because for that, I need to finish my experiment with mustard seeds, before I can answer the subquestions…). 

These are the seeds that are staying under a cover on the top floor. It’s so much hotter there because of the servers and bitcoin generating computers etc., they’re growing faster, while with this experiment, they probably want me to show the effects of “better photosynthesis”… I guess I’m showing warmth is more important than light…

Ah meow,  I want to tell you about the calculation of both personal and business related expenses I have made (which is also the most clear way to describe the project, I guess…) and how I broke an office record yesterday. I’m going to do a bit of Maths [I am so confused when it comes to naming subjects… Aren’t they supposed to be written with a capital first letter?], go to my grandmother’s to pick up the rest of my belongings there, because I need a notebook in  which I wrote down contact information of businesses I could contact for a partnership with this Polish cosmetics company, I haven’t had time for at all… I consider the chance they’d accept the offer very small, but I’m quite desperate to get my finances up,  because my parents want me to work 24 hrs a week,  but I want to do more than one school year in one school year, which is going to cost me £5,856,- a.k.a. about €6542,-, which would be about €546 a month, which is what I also need to pay rent… Since I want to get out of here by September/October. If I’d be able to study,  the full payment should be received by SEPTEMBER 13 2018 HAHAHAHAHAHA. My lifeeeee oh mannn ahahahahahahaha.

I want to follow the follow-up course of the Mathematics course I’m following now (another level 1, 15 ECTs), a course in personal finance (level 1, 15 ETCs) and a course called “running the economy”, for which I would need more than a compound sentence to describe its content (level 2, 30 ECTs). 

My father has paid for this school year in one installment, and he coud pay for next school year,  but that would mean I’d be stuck in this house again, and no one wants that. Somehow I can’t sign up for this montly payment account (anymore)… The page kept re-directing me to the homepage… 

My record for fastest reservation haahahahahah. The client was towed to a garage that was an ANWB partner, so I made the rental car reservation there. The previous record was about 20 minutes.

17:53 (05:53 PM) 

Haha okay,  I might have to take a day or two off work to finish these assignments. Last assignment I already had a few topics I was unfamiliar with (the rest I’ve had in high school), but for this assignment basically everything is completely new. The topics are “sequences and series” (I am not familiar with the form of calculation that goes with this form of notation),  “Taylor polynomials” (but this seems more “”quickly figure-outable””) and “complex numbers”. I’m going to try to speed up the process by watching tutorial videos. 

00:06 (AM) 

Ahahaa my Graeyniss!!! While I was driving home from 

To be continued on Aug 17 *insert link*

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

14:53 (02:53 PM)

My dear fellow Cuddles,

It is time for clarity.

20:03 (08:03 PM)

I want to devote my life to changing our life for the better. By “our”, I literally mean us Cuddles (a.k.a. all of my readers). When I was younger, I wanted to make this change for literally everyone on the planet, but now that I’m a little older, I have learnt that, even though this alternate reality will have many benefits, very conservative people will only see what could possibly go wrong and then not go for it, even though their arguments are based on guesswork drained in fear.

By changing our life for the better, I am talking about introducing new concepts and systems on “above government”-level. I will explain the full concept about what I mean by “”above government”-level” to you, when I have more time. I’m at work now, my muse… Slowly, I’m getting to see the full picture on how to get to “”above government”-level”, without an “”above government”-level” network, set of diplomas and amount of cash. This strategy that works, however, still includes my desperate need of Graeynissis… (Right now, these dictionary words are re-directing you to the dictionary article. I’m going to add link ID’s, so you’ll get to the right word at once. This dictionary will expand, big time :).)

The video below is a video I made when I was in the U.S., hiding from police and my parents (and “old” life (that unfortunately is still my current life)), continuously thinking of how to get my project off the ground with no resources (because I was basically “bankrupt” (as in I reached the €500 limit on my debit account and my prepaid credit card was about to go empty from running away and hiding), about to have to live on the streets…). In the old Nosce Te Ipsum, I wanted to show you all aspects of the creation process, in the most raw and unedited way possible. I deleted it, because the mainstream will not see this originality, and probably also not read the explanation of it (“because “oh my godd eww readinggg””. flèh…). If it’s not clear why I chose to show unedited work, it will just be marked as “bad”, because it’s unedited, while the core of the project is a truly new concept. Even though the mainstream are not my audience, they need to at least spread the news at some point, for this to be able to reach the “beyond government”-level. It needs “beyond government”-level publicity… I need to fix these websites before I truly reach for that level,  though… 

I have thought of some changes, such as not including the court case. But I’d rather let you decide how things will go down. That’s why I’ll make polls, when I have more time. 

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

01:00 (AM)


MAJOR DIBS ON being part of the ISSN Network in the Netherlands… 

01:20 (AM)

First I signed up here. Just now, I did this. 

I haven’t written about spontaneously going out in Utrecht on Saturday night yet. 

And how I have my first Cuddle who proposed to co-write on this blog :D. 

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday,  August 9, 2018

14:02 (02:02 PM)

Good afternoon :]

After snoozing my alarm every 10 minutes from 10:15 until 12:25, I managed to be at work on time at 13:30. Now I have to *animal sound* here until 22:00. Until now I have had only one task. The task only shows “call client,  check note 61”. Note 61 shows that some car parts can’t be delivered to Switzerland and the car now needs to be transported to the Netherlands,  so he needs a bigger rental car for international use, with a different pick up and drop-off location. The client didn’t pick up when I called him,  so I left a text message.

14:52 (02:52 PM)

Lol okay I just did at least 10 cases and one randomly incoming phonecall. [Relatively high work pace.] This other client with his car in Switzerland hasn’t called back yet. Meow I’m tired :[. I went to sleep around 4 AM, but it’s hard for me to relax because there are so many things I still want and need to do,  plus this has been made so unnecessarily hard for me.

When I started to study International Economics and Business Economics at the Erasmus University in September 2016, my long term plan was to develop my PR business, let it grow out into the business I wanted it to be and then pass on my knowledge at some university when + after my retirement. With the pressure of the BSA (it really feels like it’s breathing down your neck, after the first time you fail) and both my company and my grades not reflecting the potential I couldn’t put in practice, because I was putting half time into both full time occupations. Since I wasn’t getting ready for the job market and giving lectures etc. was for when I’m a literal Graeyniss, so when I had to make one of my occupations full time, I chose for the one I was more passionate about. I like learning too, but more when it’s not in an unnecessary high pace (since I’m not getting ready for the job market [haha help me out of this office pls]) and when it is to put the knowledge into real practice instead of having to soak all of it in,  just to answer some questions. I do enjoy assignments, because they leave more room for creativity.

So I decided to quit my studies in December 2017, when the holidays started. I was sad about having to choose and a bit worried about my future,  because there’s always the chance that my company will never thrive. My father first said yes to doing business with me (I just needed an example of my work,  so that if someone would ask me what I could do for him/her, I could show a real life example,  instead of having to explain something that hasn’t really been done before), but later it turned out that he didn’t want to pay for it. Because he would be my first client – someone else also vanished when I mentioned pricing – I was going to make his website, do the SEO and make a strategy for him to put his other business aspects into practice. I seriously didn’t ask more than €600 for it, of which I had to invest most of it into “making the product” and not into getting myself OUT OF DEBT.

Okay and now I could start the rest about this fleh story about how I had this Cuddle Graeyniss perfect potential client, my parents boycotting that, me going missing and being interrogated over and over and over and over again, unfairly getting stuck into the psychiatric system,  secretly breaking out and going missing again, but not with a viral marketing campaign, initiated by my parents, completed by Dutch media, the second time, because the second time,  I planned my vanishing better. I just want to be away from them, because they negatively drive me crazy. That has been one of the key motivations to work 40hrs per week.

Random Thoughts

Random questions 1

Is het gebruikelijk om in een hypotheek het meubilair mee te nemen? Is dat op de lange termijn en op grote achaal iets slechts? 

Drafts, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts

Fangs’s Dictionary

I like language (as well as many other things). I’ve made up a language, of which I would find it cool if other people would speak it, too. It would become the native language of my country, if I had one.

Cuddle is “the official dialect” spoken by Planet Fang citizens. It stays a dialect until there are enough words to make it a language of its own. You could use the words together with your native language (or another language). Let’s speak Cuddle? :]


Plural: Cishes

“Mag ik een Cishe?” (= “May I have a Cishe?”)

  1. [Noun] A kiss


Plural: Cuddles

“That’s so Cuddle!” “You’re my Cuddle.”

  1. [Noun] Someone you’re very passionate about
  2. [Noun] Someone you always cuddle
  3. [Noun] A citizen of the Royal capitol of Planet Fang
  4. [Noun (“Eigennaam”)] The Royal Capitol City State of Planet Fang (only accessible by those who work for it)
  5. [Adjective] Pleasurable and/or enjoyable
  6. [Noun] A dialect [currently being implemented in multiple languages, before it becomes its own language] spoken by Planet Fang citizens
  7. [Noun] Sexual organ(s)


Plural: Flehs

Pronounced as “flèh” (it can also be written in this way)

  1. [Noun] Someone who has deeprooted in your life, but you actually don’t like this person
  2. [Exclamatio] Expressing un-cuddleniss


Plural: Graeynissis

Superlative: Graeynissimus

“I feel more comfortable around a Graeyniss.” “That’s so Graeyniss!” “It’s so hot in here with all these Graeynissis.” “That’s Graeynissimus :D.”

  1. [Noun] A scholar
  2. [Noun] Someone who thinks about life more than regular people do. He or she concerns him or herself with more than only him or herself. A Graeyniss often tends to ponder about the future of mankind
  3. [Noun] Someone who’s Cuddle
  4. The superlative is used to express a Liée situation, person or phenomenon, which requires relatively more thought


Plural: Leeks (pronounced as “lakes”)

“I was laking when someone walked in on me……..” “You’re my lake.”

  1. [Verb] To masturbate
  2. [Noun] A metonymia for spiritual calmth and balance


Plural: Liées

“Liée!  They accepted my offer!!” “After dinner, I like to sit alongside the Liée while cuddling with you.”

  1. [Exclamatio] It’s Cuddle for “yay”
  2. [Noun (eigennaam)] A sea/river separating Royal City State Cuddle from “the mainland” of Planet Fang


Plural: Miaus

“Ah, meow…”

  1. [Exclamatio] The intonation used to express this exclamation defines the emotion expressed by it
  2. [Noun]

Niss (Nissis) =

Planet Fang =

Un-cuddle (only @ nouns: un-cuddles)  =

Un-meow (only @ nouns: un-miaus)  =

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I wrote something on the 7th, but it was so short and incomplete, I’ve deleted it. This is what I wrote on the 8th. The language used in this post might be considered offensive.

16:06 (04:06 PM)

Hey cuddle 😀

How are you today?

I’m happy today is my day off. Now I have time to think of my/our way out of this un-cuddleniss again.

00:39 (12:39 AM)

[To me, a new day starts after I have woken up. It’s actually Thursday right now, but it doesn’t feel like a new day yet.]

In between jogging, working on my mathematics and statistics assignments, mandatory socializing at home [I am actually very mad right now] and making a dessert, I have thought about our alternative and true form of freedom. Unfortunately,  there’s such a huge burden that is making it so hard to achieve this. It definitely isn’t impossible, but now I somehow need to be noticed by the audience and potential partners I want to have,  without having the network, money and diplomas to do this “the regular way”. That I don’t have these things,  does not mean that I can’t do what Graeynissis do. I want to be a Graeyniss, too,  my Graeyniss… (But I’m still an apprentice Graeyniss… There are some things I’d like to learn from you.)

If I would have had supportive parents,  I would have been far more confident, able, independent and flexible in the process of [everything] establishing a brand (L. F…)  and a network (D. Int…) that will allow us to positively change our lives. I need an investment to at least complete my marketing strategy. (But actually I also need patents, the funds to hire people and funds to buy (or “opspuiten”) land for us to live on.) My father could have easily given me at least enough to make my websites top ranked in Google (his top-ranked business website is: [fucking sucks] “His office” a.k.a. house is findable in Maps… He earns more than €10.000,- (or €10,000.-) per month from working for the government. (Since 2012.) [I have been his unregistered clerical  assistant.] On top of that,  he earns dividends from his ant-miners and other computers that generate bitcoins and he’s working on internationally selling real estate (since he can buy land in cash). Plus there’s the regular tax fraud as a form of income.  Meanwhile I have been struggling to pay my fucking health insurance.

Today,  I have had two conversations that have confirmed me being FUCKING DOOMED if I don’t find my Graeynissis FAST. My parents don’t want me to study full time next year. They don’t want me to study full time in the first place. They don’t want me to move to Milton Keynes (that is where I would move to, if my beloved university in Rotterdam declines my offer (or just ignores it¿ :[ )). There’s no way they would give me a cent to support my living there.  (For those who just tuned in) I’m a student at the Open University in Milton Keynes. (Today, when I looked at my statistics assignment for the first time, I found out I have to jave conducted an experiment growing mustard seeds on August 22nd. I ordered my seeds earlier today. Luckily I didn’t start with the assignment on the due date. I can’t stand that I HAVE TO work [JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS WANT ME TO “GIVE MEANING” TO MY LIFE. THIS MENTAL SLAVERY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING. They don’t see my potential :(. They believe life is working and don’t see how fucking unhappy I actually am right now. They DO NOT allow me to live here without bringing money in and do not want me to be inside the house too much. BUT I NEED TO WORK ON MY PROJECT SO THAT I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE], while I still need to do soo much for my final exams in September and the deadlines I have before this.)

I want to finish this writing by telling you how they’re making my entire future hang on a SATIN THREAD and how my mother practiced EXTORTION on me to get her relationship therapy in MY medical file, instead of those of anyone else in this household. She forced me to sign some health insurance papers [yeah, I’ll get the bills AGAIN]. They have forced me to go once (on Valentine’s day 🙁 ). Then I told them to close my file. They fucking didn’t. My parents still go and they have obligated me to go as well, but “THANK GOD I HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME”. She had THE NERVE to bring up WHAT SHE AND MY FATHER CAUSED, BUT HAVE BLAMED ME AND MY FORMER PROFESSOR FOR, AS ONE OF HER FUCKING WEAK ARGUMENTS TO MAKE ME SIGN PAPERS THAT SAY THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF THEM NEEDING THERAPY. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP MY RECORDS CLEAN. AND IT’S SOOOO NOT TRUEEEEEE!!!!!



In all of my videos, I try to show my true calmth, but on the inside, I’m screaming out of fear. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DOING WITH MY FUTURE?!!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

CUDDLE ME PLEASE :'[ (Mag ik ook een cishe?) That’s our only way out…

I can’t take this shit anymore. After my adventure of running away to the U. S., I thought they wouldn’t be able to weigh me down so much anymore,  but this is so much worse. I don’t even have time for myself anymore [these IDIOTS think that I have time for myself when I’m making a school assignment or when I’m still in bed at 11 pm because I went to bed at six in the morning.  Then they find it weird I don’t want to cook or clean my room (I postpone it)]. When I get paid at the end of the month I AM OUT OF HERE. If I would never see my parents again, I WOULD NOT GIVE A FUCK. WHAT’S THE POINT IF THEY MAKE ME FINDING HAPPINESS SO MUCH HARDER!? I DON’T LIKE WATCHING TV AND COMPLAINING ANHWAY. 

I don’t know where to go yet, though…

I have never signed something with so mucb reluctance. I do not need their therapy, and I am not going, so I shouldn’t be the one signing this. I wrote on the form that I find this extortion. Now they’re going to probably fucking start an argument about me making them look bad again.

I un-unpublished my articles “from the past”. I have “caps locked” this drama again anyway. But please don’t think I’m un-cuddle :[.

Online Diary

Monday, August 6, 2018

11:29 (AM)

Good morning  ! <3

How’s your morning?

I’m still in bed. I work from 13:30 until 22:00 today. (01:30 PM – 10:00 PM.)

In this country – and maybe elsewhere, too, but in a lot of the countries I visit, I’m not often among locals, so I wouldn’t know it (with certainty) – some people will judge you very easily for doing something that doesn’t fit into the over-used, over-appreciated chiselled version of yourself you “have to be”. Talking negatively about people who should be close to me, would be something a person like that could judge me for. I don’t like talking about people like that. Especially not on this website I consider my portfolio. But I have to, to explain to you why I have no other choice and we should cuddle.

If my situation weren’t like this [my parents are preventing me from accomplishing my life goals]

  1. We could just do business, without those people saying it’s more logical that I’m a schizophrenic, than that you would actually be interested in doing business with me. (I’m, unfortunately, speaking from past experience. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, because they didn’t believe I actually hung out with my former professor. (But I have e-mail evidence (I haven’t showed them in “the heat of the moment”).))
  2. We could just do business, without me not being allowed to go somewhere with you, because you’re not a family acquaintance. (Watching the news is driving some people crazy.)
  3. I wouldn’t be tired stressed out all of the time, because of my future and my finances. My parents want me to climb up in the company I work for. I want to expand my business(es?), but they’re afraid of the sole proprietor risk, so they have forbidden me to have my own business. I unsubscribed my PR business (but the website still exists…). This was one of the most emotional things I’ve ever had to do. There was so much love and passion invested in that company already. In June (or maybe before June) I registered a new business. I went from PR to publishing, but I’m still working towards the same goal. The businesses I want my sole proprietorship to grow out into isn’t summarizable into an already existent concept, so it doesn’t really matter as what my business starts. However, I think an alternative research publishing system is more “gat in de markt” than “alternative PR” (also because that is harder to describe).
  4. I wouldn’t be working 40 hours a week to earn about €1300, to end up investing that in my company (and pray my company thrives on it, while I still also somehow need to find a proper apartment for myself and I somehow need to meet my audience and potential partners), while there are SO MANY things I need to do for this company still… Now that I unpublished my paperback, ebooks and EP, I want to publish new ones and use that as (semi-)free marketing material, to expand my audience and save time explaining what the concept of my business is (because you’d just have example material). I also still have school deadlines throughout the summer. My final exams are in September, so basically after that I have the time to semi-fully focus on my business. (Semi because my new curriculum would start October 6.) 

    I actually hope some Graeyniss will notice me and wants to hope on this gamble train on its way to introducing a lot of truly new concepts into this world. 

    20:25 (08:25 PM)

    Now that I have a late shift, I have a bit more free time. I made the front page slider and added the Youtube video to the header of “Lil Fangs searching for Graeyniss”. 

    22:48 (10:48 PM)

    I finished working around 22:15. I feel like sky gazing. 

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, Augustus 4, 2018

    21:37 (09:37 PM)

    I’m sitting at the dinner table now. There was something I wanted to tell you earlier. It’s about the path I’m on and how our paths should intertwine. 

    *Insert distraction*

    Lil speed freak :D. I was allowed to keep my licence haha.

    So I had to be at work at 10 am. I want to tell you so much, but I can’t really focus right now. I think I’m gonna play the piano until my food is digested and go for a run. Then pass out to the power of two. 

    “To import another couch from Italy, or to invest in my daughter’s sole proprietorship?”

    Our paths should intertwine. Not only because together we can “delete” all negativity about human life. It is also because I am going to break down at some point and if you don’t notice me, I might never realize my dreams. 

    "Alternative text"... maybe some settings need to be changed in order for you to view the image?
    Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections

    An Introduction to Project Nosce Te Ipsum

    The chapters in this article are the introductions of two previously deleted Nosce Te Ipsum episodes. They very indirectly show that the actual content of project Nosce Te Ipsum depends on societal demand, which will be defined by “The Simulator”. The missing questions are in the intermezzo.

    The Mission

    Hi sweetie!
    How are you doing today?

    I have so much love for you, if I would start explaining it in detail, I would lose my voice with so much ease. There’s something in the way you reason with so much competence and you read the words I write… I miss cuddling you :-[.

    From the moment we’ve been captivated here against our will, I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I need your arms around me. To feel safe. We’re not supposed to be here. They don’t even want us to be alive. I’m so glad I’ve found this way to communicate with you. I’m working on a strategy. One day, we’ll be free.

    Thank you so much for deciding to read Nosce Te Ipsum! You have saved a life today. Literally. How you reading this has saved my life in a literal sense, I’ll explain to you at the end of this episode. There are so many other things I need to tell you!! About how I want you to be part of my revolutionary project, what the revolutionary project is, what I could do for you and what our future holds. I’ll explain all of this to you, by answering this one question:


    What is Project Nosce Te Ipsum?

    Nosce Te Ipsum is Latin for “know thyself”. In this project I’d like to learn more about who you are and what you think, aspire and believe in. Throughout the interactive episodes, you’ll answer questions like: “Who am I?” “What’s my purpose?” “Why am I here?” by answering a lot of sub-questions on the subject matter. Maybe you already know the answers to questions like these, maybe you don’t. If you don’t, hopefully I can assist you in answering them.

    With this intense form of self-reflection, I’m not only attempting to increase the average level of self-awareness. There are two other goals:


    Eternal peace

    Earth knows a lot of different cultures, races, genders and other aspects that make a person unique. In the media, they (only) emphasize the conflicts that arise, “because of” these unique aspects. I wonder what our universal similarities are.

    I believe, naturally, a person doesn’t have hate in his or her heart. This is something that emerges in a person because of his or her upbringing and age. For example, some parents might have taught their children, when they were very young, that someone who is colored only knows to express him or herself in an immoral, animal-like way. Then, when the children get older, they might see confirmation of their parent’s statements, because the media tend to show the worst sides of people. That doesn’t mean an entire race is bad. However, if you believe the media shows a realistic representation of an entire culture, race or nation, you might actually believe an entire culture, race or nation can be pure evil. They won’t feel the need to actually talk to a person of color, and see if their beliefs are truly real, because they believe their bias is real.

    Speaking of the news… Am I the only one who thinks it’s futile? (I think it’s also infantile. Don’t they see President Trump is just playing “Fishing Clash” with the media? In the Netherlands, on the news, they discuss his Twitter page every day. What’s news? #Paperback.) What’s the point of watching international chaos every day? By now everyone knows there are international conflicts, right? It’s the same “algorithm” every time. If it’s not financial chaos, it’s natural chaos.

    Don’t you agree, that it’s time to have other things to talk about? More optimistic sounding topics? Something new? And to solve international conflicts, instead of emphasizing their severity?

    A LOT of people have told me: “Ooh stop! Don’t even try to aim for peace, because achieving that is not possible. Politicians will never agree.” If I haven’t even explained my strategy yet, how can someone tell me I won’t succeed? I think the news has a hand in this pessimistic opinion. It’s because of the “endless chaos”-like picture they paint of the world. People tend to believe everything said on the news is true. I’m telling you, in five years’ time, saying pessimistic things about Earth will be “passé”. I’m not going to wait for a politician to make changes that will lead to eternal peace. I’ll take matters into my own hands. I hope you’ll follow my lead. My strategy for eternal peace isn’t just based on what I think. Before I put any policy into practice, I need to know what other people want and believe. That’s why there are questions in the Nosce Te Ipsum episodes.

    I believe Nosce Te Ipsum truly is the solution to cultural conflicts. It starts with analyzing people’s self-reflection for similarities. Then we make the similarities internationally known. If you’re someone who believes a person of color is different in a negative sense, you could now still approach that person, talk about Nosce Te Ipsum, and realize that that person has the same politeness and peace-mentality as you. That’s how we bridge the gap between cultures.


    Another way Nosce Te Ipsum will contribute to eternal peace, is with the new sort of business that will arise from it. Its focus is on solving (international) conflicts and serving people’s needs. (Ha-ha, that sounds like something a government is supposed to do, instead of causing new conflicts and making cutbacks, because they want to kill more innocent people. Anyway, enough about that…)

    To start that new business, I need to know what occupation my dear reader would enjoy. Yes, I mean you. Yes, you, who just read “yes, I mean you”. I’m trying to find out if I could offer you an alternative lifestyle that you’ll enjoy more than your current one. I’ll tell you more about that at the end of this episode.


    The Eternal Holiday-Feeling

    What makes you happy? Does it include throwing your life around? Are you now spending most of your time doing something, you don’t truly enjoy doing? I think that’s the case for most people. I’ve thrown my life around. The path I’ve chosen by composing and directing Nosce Te Ipsum, is far from a regular one. I’ve chosen to not finish my education program at the university because of it. Even though I’m still doing research. I’d like to show you don’t necessarily need to follow the path they teach you to follow in school, to be successful and happy. (I don’t even believe you could be truly happy if you follow a pre-calculated path, you haven’t pre-calculated yourself.) There’s nothing wrong with being self-educated.

    In Nosce Te Ipsum, you’ll design a life’s path that truly suits you. Even when you’re doing something that people would call “working”, you’ll still have that happy, uplifting holiday feeling. (Especially when you decide to work for the business that will derive from this project :-].)


    Every Nosce Te Ipsum episode includes self-research questions, on all aspects of life, blended in a graphic science fiction satire. I’ve divided all aspects of life into four categories:


    • Wisdom on creation
      This category, depending on who’s answering the questions, will be about religion, science and/or another form of the overall concept that guides your life.
    • Society
      In this category, we discuss what type of governing you truly prefer and society’s cultures and morals.
    • The Self
      Here we learn more about what truly makes you happy, what your goals in life are and how you’ll reach them.
    • Love
      This very important aspect will be further defined as soon as we get to the fourth book. I like to surprise you with new things, so I’d like that entire book to be a surprise.


    There are “intermezzos” on other topics as well, but the four categories form the basis.

    The first book of Nosce Te Ipsum, the book you’re reading right now, is about the first category of the previous list.

    Every episode has text in italics, bold text and text in normal, “un-styled” formatting.

    The text in italics – such as the introduction text of this chapter – is about a world in between your reality and fiction. It’s the story of you and me, who have been unfairly captivated in The Prispital. In our Prispital cell, there’s a simulator.

    The bold text, describes a world of fiction. It’s what we experience when we’re in the simulator. Most self-research questions are asked in the simulator, and thus are written in bold.

    The “un-styled” text contains more information about the project behind these episodes and updates about my life.


    For now, I think I’ve told you enough to let you start with your self-research. All of the information you’ve just read, might be a lot to process at once. Don’t worry, you’ll learn the ins and outs of this project by practice :-]. For the next chapter, grab a pen and some paper. When you see a set of underscores, followed by a small number, please write down the small number, followed by what you would say in that situation. Later, there will also be videos and articles that will give you more insight in the project.



    The Intake

    Sunday, April 1st 2018, 6:26 PM

              Wow… it has been 7,560 hours and they still haven’t told us anything! That’s 315 days! When I feel frustration about our life, I tend to reminisce. Thinking about the beautiful time we had together, when we were free, gives me a very comfortable feeling, on the one hand. On the other hand it makes me very sad, because now everything is so different, in a negative way. I really don’t like that that time is over. Still I reminisce, because it’s all I can do.

              I didn’t know that all that time, you could see me. When you told me that, I started to think of ways to use that in our advantage, right away. I remember it very well… Hmm… Normally I don’t reminisce about sad things that have happened in our past. I wonder what will happen if I do…

              It was Monday, the 22nd of May, 2017, around nine o’ clock in the evening. I had worked at home that day, on a new campaign for The Most Attractive One. Back then she was still ruling over our Universe. I had just turned off my HoloScreen, when suddenly, in between my ears, I felt the inside of my skull move. I heard your voice, saying: “My dear Old Fangs, you don’t have to live in this unhealthy relationship anymore. I’m in love with you… You should start packing, but first… eat something, PLEASE!!!! One meal a day isn’t enough!!!”

              With my thoughts, in silence, I replied: “My Fang Man!!  I knew you would save me! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Aw, actually, I don’t like the food here, so I’d rather starve. That they think I cost them too much, plays a role as well, because I don’t want to be their financial burden. But if you say so, I’ll go downstairs…”

              I went downstairs and made myself fried noodles with a fried egg and vegetables. We spoke a lot about the communicative gift The Universe had created for us. You told me that, since I was born, you have been able to see me and hear me think.

              That night, in Fortuna, there was The Pre-re-election event. It was something The Most Attractive One always organized, but since she had been ruling over The Universe, she had never had an opponent. Out of respect, the people of Zion Islony never run against her.

              We, as members of her ruling order, needed to be on stage with her, as a tradition, when she does her ritual dance, expressing her appreciation for us, as entities in her Universe. During the ritual, her physique turns into different patterns of light rays, while her total of wealth, also known as Sun Power, gets re-accumulated. This is a physical process, all people from Zion Islony can practice, for spiritual cleansing. That year was the first year there was a person with just as much Sun Power as our ruler. His name was Holy Cat. His face was human from his top lip down. The top side of his head was cat-like. He had dark grey fur, big blue eyes and a tiny pink snout.

              We, Order Aurillu, had been monitoring him for a while. He seemed very power-hungry, which is threatening to The Eternal Peace Regime, established by The Most Attractive One.

              I was tasked with dating his propagandist, to gain more information on what his next move would be. His propagandist, Ekans, seemed nice at first, but turned out to have anger issues. I wanted to break up with him, but he didn’t want to let me go.

              You and I planned to leave a tiny bit earlier, so that we could collect my pre-packed belongings before Ekans and his mother returned home, and move into the new Order Office House we built.

              At the event, everything seemed to go perfectly. People were laughing, enjoying themselves…

              The Most Attractive One started dancing. Traditional Zion Islony instrumental music was playing. Her body made its first light pattern. You could see her silhouette, constructed of white horizontal stripes of light. But then… this guy didn’t even wait until the climax of her dance. Holy Cat. He just walked onto the stage and kissed her, causing her soul and all of her wealth to be transferred to him. You and I wanted to speed to our Order Office House to formulate a strategy to bring her back. When we left the entrance of The Tower, we saw two black vans, facing each other diagonally, with Ekans standing in the middle of them, his hands behind his back. We froze. From behind the tower, four of Holy Cat’s tall and muscular Guards came. They held our arms.

              “Your lips are mine, Fangs. You’ll get plenty of time to realize that. Oh, and to realize Eternal Peace is extremely old-fashioned. Eternal mindless, barbaric behavior will become the new standard. I advise you, get used to it. You won’t be able to stop us, just like that fangy friend of yours.”


              And just like that, we were captivated. Labeled as sick criminals on the news.

              Oh, wow. No wonder Ekans is so evil. His name is the opposite of snake! Oh, hahaha. That was a good one. I can’t keep silent… Must… Laugh… Out… Loud…

    The sound of laughter is hearable in the cell you’re observing by reading the words on paper. Through the walls of the cell, you can hear laughter coming from the right neighbor’s cell as well. Then, suddenly, a square size piece of wall gets pushed into the wall and slides to the left. There’s now a gap in the wall that leads to a different room.

    Hmm… I’ve never seen this happen before… In the room there’s a simulator… I wonder what would happen if I’d enter it.

    “Good evening. Please, take a seat,” were the words of a female hologram doctor, wearing white scrubs. You were wearing a half tucked in white satin blouse, white woolen, relatively tight sweatpants and white sneaker-like loafers. You made a very sexy, nonchalant impression. Even though nonchalance sounds like something that’s normally not like you, it looked very nice on you. You took place in a big, soft, comfortable white chair, in an all-white space. The hologram was standing behind the chair, with her elbows leaning on the headrest part of the chair.

    “You were so silent, we thought your cell was empty. When I looked at the files on the history of the cell, it says you’re registered as “Patient Number 7”. So… What’s your name?”

    You: “______________________.”1

    “And your nickname?”

    “______________________.”2 (In the next episode, “The Fang Man” will be renamed to your nickname.)

    “Thank you. Today’s small task is to set your universe’s basic settings. My first question for you is: was your universe created by an invisible force or an invisible person?”


    The white in front of you, turns into a black screen that is three times the size of you. The rest of the space around you stays all white. There are no visible doors. You just spawned into that white space.

    “You’re now looking at the void that was there before you came into existence. Please stand up and close your eyes. Describe to me your favorite sleeping position.”

    “Well, my favorite sleeping position is: with my _______________________. Why do you ask me to describe that, if this is about the basic settings of my universe?”4

    “The position you’ve just described is the position your body will be in when you wake up, tomorrow. You will have to rule over your own universe. If you do this in the right way, you’ll be released from The Prispital. Good luck.” She pushes you into the void. The simulation ends.

              I heard you yell “NOO WAAAAYYY!!!” after I stepped into The Simulator. Does this mean our cells are next to each other…? Were you as shocked as I was? Did The HoloDoctor tell you she thought your cell was empty as well? Have you been as silent as I was all that time, too?

              Wait… Does that mean that if I would call your name, you would hear me?

              “My Fang Man!! Is that you??”

              You: “_______________________________!!!”5

    On the one hand, I feel privileged, because my cell is large. I have my own kitchen, bathroom and a small garden. But I must say it weighs heavy on me that I can’t cuddle up with you anymore… They let us live in isolation. Luckily I have the memory of you that keeps me going. The idea that you’re always watching me and listening to me, makes me feel very safe and loved. Always.

    The Prospect

    My Cuddle!

    I’m so happy to see you again :]. In this episode, I’ll explain to you how we can get Project Nosce Te Ipsum up and running, and what the end goal looks like. I’m almost certain you’ll love it.  Luckily I got to know you a little better, too.

    I know you’re way smarter than the people in your environment. I know that you also see that the things people call “new” these days, aren’t new at all. It’s all created with a certain standard in mind. A standard that hasn’t evolved in years. You know what I’m talking about.

    Other people might not feel the need to evolve. They’re satisfied by how things are right now, and wouldn’t mind if it would stay exactly like this for the rest of their lives. Another person acting crazy going viral, another twerk video, another “bitch get off my dick I have money hoes and drugs”-song, another political scandal, another vague reason to start an unnecessary war, another law passed in the favor of someone who’s solely out for profit, not taking other people into consideration, et cetera. I’m not saying that that’s wrong. I’m not saying it’s right either. The same things happen in different forms, and get discussed day in day out, as if it’s very severe and very new, putting human existence in danger or whatever. While you and I both know it’s all staged.

    I can’t have or hear another conversation, using one-liners to discuss “how serious” the topics on the news are. If I would have been my true self in a conversation like that, I would have said: “I can’t say anything about this, because I don’t know these people personally and I wasn’t there. I don’t trust any news source but myself or a person I know I can trust.” But then I would cut everyone off, and I don’t like doing that.

    I want to offer you a life that is way different. It’s completely new. It’s also very, very exclusive. Only those who have completed Nosce Te Ipsum, will have access to the benefits of what I have to offer you.

    In the last episode, I spoke about eternal peace and the eternal holiday feeling. I’m going to tell you how we’re going to achieve this:

    Eternal Peace

    You know the government is a business. (A business you’re giving the authority to basically dictate the way you perceive life (“always on the edge of chaos”) and take half your assets (do you pay tax over receiving an inheritance in your country, too?) to buy guns and do other things that would be considered “illegal”, if you would do it. How do you mean I can’t take someone else’s drugs and then use them, and you can? Those were just examples.) I don’t want to take down the government or sabotage it in any way. I do want to end corruption, lying to the public and this “always on the edge of chaos” idea that is complete nonsense. And there’s a personal option, when it comes to being a human being, that isn’t available to me, now that I need it the most. So I’d like to create it myself.

    In this world, you can’t say: “Don’t bother me with all that fake nonsense.” When you hear someone on TV or the people you’re with, discuss President Trump’s Twitter page, like it’s the source of all evil, you can’t just turn off the TV if someone else is watching (or even better: make sure it doesn’t even make it to television), without being considered rude or “not well informed”. In a conversation, you can’t just stop responding or speak your mind without getting agitated, because the person/people you’re doing this to, will not understand where you’re coming from. They will be so convinced of being right, especially because “everyone shares that opinion”.

    So I came up with this: a country where all that fake news and fake drama isn’t part of the national culture. You have to make pass a national test (named Nosce Te Ipsum… hehe) to get in. The Sample Group and other people with a high score could be granted citizenship. From there, we can focus on creating peace in this universe. It will make the process way more comfortable, because we can cuddle while we’re working on it and you will be surrounded by people who are just as intelligent as you. Creating eternal peace in all of the universe might take some time, so in the meantime, we will at least have our own little peaceful place we can call home. Where we truly feel at home, too.

    Having a country starts with having private land. Eternal peace starts with the end of eternal war(s). I’m going to rapidly explain to you how we’re getting to the final goal: (Unfortunately, due to “The Situation”, I have limited time to explain this to you…)

    To make this work, I need A LOT of participants. Worldwide. I need a lot of people to buy my books and my EP (even though it’s not of that high quality, it tells the story of Nosce Te Ipsum…)[Red: Lil Fangs had decided to delete her books from all major book stores and delete her EP from all major music platforms, to replace them with works she could make together with other people who are interested in being part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. (A few songs from the EP are re-published on her Youtube channel.)], and I need them to make donations to me, so that I can buy a private island, somewhere far off the shores of existing countries. The private island will be declared as an independent country. In the independent country, we start a bank. (The bank doesn’t do loans, but as a Planet Fang citizen, you can ask me for money. Free of charge, my Cuddle :]. (The bank will be named Planet Fang, too.)) The bank has its own currency (the Fangia) and buys your house(s) (and other real estate). The bank allows you to still live in it, while we build Planet Fang. (And afterwards, too, of course. If you want to…) (“You now have your house in Fangia, to spend.”) To the bank, there are three component organizations attached: an overall government, an organization focused on real estate and other facilities and an international law organization.

    Your house on Planet Fang, you receive from the government, in exchange for your time and loyalty, etc. (Feudalism… But we don’t do wars.) Your occupation in your new life on Planet Fang, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey and the task(s) you pick in The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign. The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign starts after The Benefit. More about that later.

    On Planet Fang, you find your personal peace. International peace (in the sense that there are no more wars), we get doing the following:

    We need to “attack the war problem at its source”. If there were no guns and other forms of weaponry, it would not be possible to start a war. Okay, people might be able to fight with sticks and stones, but that is a lot less harmful, so if they necessarily want to fight: sure, a fist fight, I won’t do anything against. (The solution for politicians who still feel like settling their quarrels with physical violence, [Or for the parties behind them who write their scripts…] would be to organize brawls in their homes. That is a lot less harmful than letting it be settled by buying arms etc.)

    Those who manufacture guns are murderers, just like those who invest in it and sell it. (And those who purchase it, of course. They could just be brainwashed, though.) Without them, the world would be a much more peaceful place. That’s why they should get charged with attempted murder and causing false chaos. Why cause a conflict, and then sell weapons to both parties in the conflict?

    The media, “throwing oil on the fire”, should get charged for these lies and chaos, too. I know, mass chaos and mass lies normally aren’t things people can get charged for, but if you look at the impact it has on international mental and physical health, and the fact that it’s completely unnecessary, shouldn’t it be a crime?

    It is “probably not going to be easy” charging these parties, for they are so hidden from the masses, but if I’d be able to assemble A LOT of people, we would definitely stand a chance. Would you like to write a testimony for me? I need A LOT of them! I’d like to know how the weapon industry and the media have negatively impacted your life. I want to make sure that NEVER happens again!

    I hear a lot about people getting assassinated when they have the power to terminate the powerful position of crooked people in the system. Or those crooks putting so much (false) dirt on the name of their threat, that that person loses his (or her…) status in society. I’m telling you now, if anything bad happens to me, in the sense that I suddenly die, or a new story emerges, for which I will become a disgrace in the eyes of society, it was them setting me up. I’m a serious threat to their crooked position. I’m not scared of them at all, though. (Also, taking my current situation of, if this project doesn’t work out, being indifferent between being dead or alive (or maybe even rather being dead), I have nothing to lose. The “putting dirt on my name” part already happened, because of some other parties I’m trying to get out of my life (which is why I’m now stuck in “The Situation”).)

    Since these industries bring human existence in danger (nuclear weapons… and the media saying: “Ooooooh did you know what this country said about you? Boiiii…… Do you just let them talk to you like that????” What if a politician “actually snaps” and “decides to use nuclear bombs” on whatever country?), they should just not exist. The only problem is a lot of people suddenly being without a job. Project Nosce Te Ipsum will, however, create A LOT of new jobs.

    (By the way, I know the Netherlands is one of the greatest countries when it comes to selling weapons. But I didn’t know that the headquarters of Airbus were in the Netherlands, and that they manufacture weapons, too… (I thought they only made “public planes”…) (I found this very interesting website: I know, it’s old and it’s in Dutch, but maybe you could use a translator…? There’s a section in English, too :]. “Stop wapenhandel” means “stop (the) arms trade”.)

    Because of the limited time I have, I’m going to move on to the next topic now.

    The Eternal Holiday Feeling

    The new life you’ll live, thanks to Project Nosce Te Ipsum, will give you a holiday feeling that lasts forever. During the official campaigning period of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and the eternal peace era after the project, you’ll live with like-minded people, doing new, fun, challenging things every day. Yes, you’ll have to work for D.O.C.I.S. International if you want to live on Planet Fang (or enjoy the benefits of it in another country you’d want to live in), but your hours will be very flexible, you’ll earn a proper income (living on Planet Fang is basically already “all inclusive”) and the work you’ll do, you’ll experience like just working on your hobby, since the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey will show what occupation can truly make you the most happy version of yourself.

    The project starts off with The Benefit. I’m “attacking famine”. We hold The Benefit, to show the public that we’re a trustworthy source, who are truly out to make the world a better place, and as the official introduction of the people who are running for Planet Fang government positions. (There will be a parliament and a senate.) During The Benefit, we collect money for The Benefit Box. That’s a box that will consist of all the essentials needed by someone in need. In every country on the face of the Earth, there are different types of famine. During a short case study before The Benefit, we’ll learn what those needs are.

    The Benefit Box will come in two parts. The first part contains some essentials like seeds, fertile soil, water, materials to make clothing (or something else) from, food stamps (or stamps for something else), cooking materials, etc. It will also contain a small version of the Nosce Te Ipsum summary, written down in the native language of the country or the dialect from the area The Box is given to. It also includes symbols, for those who are illiterate. If the person who received the first box, fills out and hands in the paper survey, he or she has the right to the second part of The Benefit Box, which has more essentials. (Complementary items are always in the same box… Yes, I really want them to fill in the survey, but I don’t want them to be stuck with materials they can’t use, if they don’t fill out the survey for whatever reason.)

    I think it’s fun designing this box… Don’t you think so, too? I hope so, because your vision is needed to get an idea of what essentials are needed in your country. You’ll also get questions about what presents you would want to get in your personalized Benefit Box. This case study will also be used to test the online system that is used to process the Nosce Te Ipsum (online) survey.

    During The Benefit, the guests on the benefit location can play casino games, of which everything goes to the manufacturing process of the boxes. (Would that be something you would enjoy doing? Making a Benefit Box (by hand)? (Not too many, otherwise it becomes too much of a routine.)) Just like the money collected from the people watching the benefit online, (while) playing online casino games. Also, there will be a(n) (online) (art) auction and multiple concerts. During the (24 hour? Or longer…?) concert, people can make donations.

    There will be a hidden schedule for at what moment, what donation goes to what country. I’m making it hidden, to prevent people donating a lot to one country (with more citizens, maybe) and less to the other. How much will be needed per country will be calculated in advance. At the moment you donate, we will be “filling up the (money) meter” for a certain country. After your donation is received, you’ll get to know to what country your donation went to. If there is a surplus, this will go to the Planet Fang Charity Organization.

    I hope you participating in The Benefit will give you a good feeling, because you’re making such a huge contribution to society. That should add to the holiday feeling you deserve :].

    After The Benefit, the election period starts. Another period filled with fun activities, organized by those who run, for any function. The functions are: senator, technologicus (policy of technical development), strategicus, fiscus, cultor, assessor and praesens. Every other citizen of Planet Fang is a Fangyist, of whom his or her function will be known after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    I’m running out of time… There are so many other things I want to tell you… But I think this is enough for now? In order for us to succeed in this project, I’d like to ask you to do the following things:

    • Please make a donation on
    • Please write a testimony for the court case
    • Please share this with people of whom you think they’ll be interested in participating in this project
    • If you’re interested, you can read updates about my life and this project on
    • Get ready to cuddle :]

    On the (second to) last page of this chapter, there’s a rough sketch of the structure of the D.O.C.I.S. International holding (figure 1), which will be constructed and “filled up” (with working people) after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    I came up with this construction after this research I did when I was held captive in the hospital: Studying International Public Opinion. The international business strategy of D.O.C.I.S. International, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey. We focus on occupation and innovation. The survey will show what occupations are the right occupations and what innovations are needed.

    Before some layman starts saying: “Oh my godddd it says propaganda! Propaganda is bad!!” Did you know that it is propaganda that has made you say that? Did you know that it’s propaganda constructing your ideas, beliefs and opinions? Propaganda is now used to divide and conquer. I want to use it to unite and prosper. For that I need to re-educate (to re-educate).

    [Please note: The concept has changed. I don’t know if we should still do the court case thing. That’s only if you (the majority of yous) wants do do this. It could make a big change, if we win, but the process is quite stressful. Maybe too stressful, for something a lot of people don’t want to put effort in. That could be a waste of our energy, we could also invest in something that could benefit us more. (What do you want? Let me know :].) ]

    The Ruler

    Friday, April 2, 2027 08:00 AM

    “_________________.9 (What’s your last name?) You have written history today. You and the other alien. No one has ever taken so much time to get out of The Prispital.”

    You were laying with your ________________4 (re-use your answer from episode 1), as always, The HoloDoctor standing over you, this time. She woke you up with the volume of her voice and the extremely bright sunlight. You’re adjusting your eyes to the light. She just opened the blinds like that. Normally, you’re woken up at 08:30, by the AlarmBird.

    “As a ruler, you’re supposed to create chaos yourself and then order it or, even better, let it be ordered. That’s how everyone does it on Earth. Stop the alien customs, if you want to get out. You should not have to order your own chaos, because you’re being too loving, giving away too much of what you have. The PsychoDoctor and I have decided to help you by letting you team up with the other one. You’re allowed to discuss your decisions as a ruler. Today will be a short day. I only have a few questions for you.”

    You’re adjusting your body to a sitting position, on the king size bed you were laying on.

    “The God/invisible force you believe in: is it able to do bad things?”3 (put a stripe through the answer that isn’t related to your answer from the last episode)

    “Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 10

    “Hmm. Interesting…. Is your fate pre-determined?”

    “Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 11

    “I see. Well, that was it, for now. I’ll let you meet your fellow alien now.”

    “_______________!!!”2 (re-use your answer from episode 1) I’m so happy to see you. I’m hugging you very tightly. You smell so nice… Oh, boy… I’ve never had such a good, long hug… “I’m so happy that we’re sharing cells! Since we don’t have to use The Simulator anymore today… Let’s cuddle!” I can’t stop smiling…

    “______________. ______________________!! ________________.” NTIIEP2I (That’s the code you can write down for finding back this piece of text, later.) We’re laying down. You’re lying on your back. I have my right arm over your chest. My right hand holding your face. My left arm is underneath your leg, and my left leg is laying parallel to yours. You’re caressing my right leg, curled up over your belly and left leg.

    “Haha yes! I remember that! Ahahahahaha that was sooo funny!”

    “Especially when ______________________________!!” NTIIEP2II

    “Aahhahahah!” We’re crying out of laughter.

    We hear a buzzing sound. Our cell door opens. We stopped laughing immediately, our eyes glued to the door. The PsychoDoctor walks in, with his hands behind his back. He’s wearing a white leather doctor’s jacket and _________12 (glass color) shaded glasses. His hair is combed into the direction of the sky. It’s as high as his beard is long. It’s also just as cube shaped.

    “Oh, gross,” his very thin lips spoke, after seeing us cuddle. He removed his right hand from behind his back, revealing two notebooks. One deep red, one dark blue. He tossed them onto the bed.

    “Because this treatment is new, we want you to keep a diary. We also want you to answer some personal questions. Every day has a question. Answer it after you have been in the simulator. Oh, and also: we don’t offer contraceptives here, so don’t do crazy things here. Okay?”

    We look at him, without saying anything. While he was talking, we sat up straight. Next to each other. He leaves. The door closes automatically.

    “Hmm. Let’s check out the notebook. Which color notebook do you want?”

    “______________.”13 You take the notebook of that color into your left hand, wrapping your right arm around my waist and putting your hand underneath my popliteal. You put me on your lap with one hand. After that, you open the notebook. Today’s essay question is: What kind of influence does god have? EQ1 (you could replace the word “god” with a word that applies to you better)

    Please answer the essay questions by solely reflecting on yourself. By reflecting on what you think and feel. Do not copy the opinion of any other person. Don’t feel intimidated by “what’s right and wrong” in the eyes of society.

    Are you also annoyed by the doctors treating us with disrespect, but us not saying anything back? ______.14

    Images, Media


    The pictures (taken April 25-27, 2018) are unedited [because that is my preference, in this case], made by Lil Fangs.

    As a Graeyniss, may I be explicit?


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