Monthly Archives

September 2018

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Sunday, September 30, 2018

11:37 (AM) 

I went to sleep around 4 AM. There are a few tasks left over on my list, still… [It took me quite some time to find a solution to the header and slider overlapping @ the D.O.C.I.S. International website.] 

Luckily I have done all heavy tasks yesterday. I hope I can still start advertising today. This is what’s left for me to do: 

I still added some tasks yesterday…

I might still make an “about Little Fangs” page. One of the two book pages is already almost finished. 

Before I start to market my book, I’d like to have the answers to these questions published in an article [I think writing an interview as an introduction is more fun and more clear]:

17:28 (05:28 PM) 

I’m exhaustedddd haha…. 

This because I still need to make some more buttons:



This because I need better conversation than to talk about some celebrity’s liposuction I do not care much about:

22:16 (10:16 PM) 

I have literally spent all day working on my websites again. I apologize for not having any litty marketing specials on the official release date of my book. I hope that I’ll be done editing my websites before midnight, but the chance is not very high… I’m now editing the “About The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum” page. 

23:59 (11:59 PM) 

Haha I would take much more time for that amount of pages? Especially with my style of writing. I want it to be like translating Seneca… (Which it is…)

Is it possible to absorb the message of the book, when reading so fast…? 

Meow I’m done writing the long description of The Unpublished Episodes… Almost done adding the button links… 

I want to write a longer description of the first episode, but the episode is so short that I’m afraid of giving away all of the highlights…? This fill-in-the-gap story is waaaaay better…. It’s more of a satiric parody of every e-ve-ryyyyy single Hollywood movie now. Haha :D. 

Ohh by the way, I’ve created a newsletter :].

Ah meow the new slider has a small font on a mobile phone. On a laptop it looks normal…

I’m so tiredd. My head has been hurting for weeks. Just like my stomach. I just had my period today (random¿). I haven’t had that since I stayed in the resort in Enschede. That was in June…? (And now I’m a lot of pregnancy scares later…) Haha this is good news**

What’s chill about having your period almost never, because of being under too much stress since age 11, is that I can swim and have sex whenever I want to. [But that made me learn that one night stands/friends with benefits/whatever regular touchiness are very cringy. The only thing I do when I have sex, is trying to be passionate, while desperately trying to climax, while thinking about Benoît and how much I miss him, hoping that our paths will somehow cross again.]

People say being on your period is an excuse for acting like the definition of showing the most barbarian side of yourself? 

Tomorrow, I’ll finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website. 

I wish I had people I could to this together with, already. “Too bad” most people I know don’t like putting effort in things. 

Is it just me, or do some friendships just die after a few years, because you know all thoughts, beliefs and stories of that person already and it starts to become too predictable and boring? I need new friends… Who like “nerdy” things… And prefer speaking English over speaking Dutch… Where can I find you…? 

It’s 01:47 AM on the first of October now. I start a new blog day when I wake up. Or on the peak of my all-nighter.

It’s funny how, on the one hand, I’m “talking” to my dear audience on this blog, and on the other hand I’m covering my tracks, because a bunch of haters likes to laugh about my struggle. The type of people who want to laugh about misery, because they’re bitter and talentless, could consider me an easy target. I’m very lonely in my being this talented on this age. 

Meow, tomorrow is the Cuddle’s birthday… I have imagined myself emptying out my heart in a wall post. That’s the only way in which I haven’t tried to reach him yet, I think…? If I’m able to write that post in the first place? We couldn’t be Facebook friends for some reason anyway. I never asked why. I only noticed that my request wasn’t accepted… But we were still hanging out in real life and e-mailing, which is what I prefer anyway. (Video chatting would have been nice, too. I don’t like regular phone calls.) 

Why is me wanting to be with him considered a taboo? People assume that it’s for the money. [I have literally been asked this several times.] They don’t see that it’s because my other options are dumb people who say that it’s for the money. I want to do something with my life and seek the same in a partner…. Most people these days are only busy seeking social contact and maintaining the mainstream 9 – 5 routine. I don’t understand how they can’t be depressed as fuck if today you’re going to live a day that is way too fucking similar to the day you’ll live in 10 years? Again, hours of small talk they consider “big talk”, the same job with the same clients on the same spot, travelling the same route, eating the same things…. I’m trying to break the routine and they discourage me and tell me it’s impossible to do that. I wish them all the best in their routine I am not going to allow my project to alter. You might be doing what you like, watching Netflix, on your last day as well. (That’s me saying I’m staying polite to these people, while they’re actually such a clear waste of space and resources. They only bring hate to this world, elaborating on how new concerts and movies are bad, as if they actually have some form of expertise or as if they could do it better. Yes, they’re experts in not doing shit but gazing at moving images all day. Do you know the Allegory of the Cave? In modern times…)

** Me getting my period means a reduction of my stress levels. I’ve had my period three times this year. The first time I met Benoît, in Enschede and right now. I used to hate it, but now I consider it a very comforting thought that those antipsychotics haven’t made me completely infertile. Last year it was only after the morning after pill… In 2015, when this gynaecologist gave me a pill to spark my period and research it, I never got the results, because my grandfather passed away in that same week. I later still didn’t go to the hospital, because it was in the same hospital in which he passed away and I just didn’t want to see the same scene. I vividly remember the day on which he had passed and we were waiting in his hospital room, alongside his lifeless body, for the service to come and pick him up. We waited for hours… It’s one of the most painful memories I have. Especially because – don’t ask me why this crossed my mind at such a young age – from when I was very little, and I would think of a “How sad would I find it if this person were to pass away?” list, he was the number one person who should just die with me, because living without him is so hard… I loved him so much at some age it just became awkward. He has played the father role in my life, if you were to ask me this. The warmth in my character, I have from him. He and Benoît are the only men with that loving character I know. They’re both economists… I know hands down, if my grandfather were still alive, he would have supported me as an entrepreneur. All other snakes in my life are encouraging me to quit. 

I hope my reduction of stress means that I’ll see my Cuddles soon… I don’t like being in this city… I’m absolutely not looking forward to Friday x_x. The family is going to a restaurant for my grandmother’s 82nd birthday. I hope she won’t accuse me of stealing again (dementia)… I don’t look forward to having to find a way to socially last through that evening, listening to and trying to participate in the most shallow conversations in the history of mankind… 

Oh boy I need a hug after writing about my grandfather. I’m in my bed with my two pillows. I’ll be laying my head on the mattress – because the pillows make my neck hurt – and cuddling my pillow, pretending it to be Benoît, who’s all the types of men I miss in my life in one person. 

Good night


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Saturday, September 29, 2018

13:28 (01:28 PM) 

“Saving the best for last”… Today, I have the following things on my list:

  • Upload a new cover for the episode 1 paperback (because they want the full title on it… I used the ebook cover, which has a summarized title. Now I’ll be editing that image) 
  • Make a new menu @ Docis Int website
  • Renew the home page @ Docis Int
  • Make a mission page @ Docis Int
  • Make a project page @ Docis Int
  • Make a sign up page @ Docis Int
  • Make a sponsors page @ Docis Int
  • Make a login page and a menu for logged in users @ Docis Int
  • Edit copyright text
  • Make a few topics in the private forum [Ik zoek naar goede ijsbrekers…?]
  • Make an “about Lil Fangs” page @
  • Edit the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page @
  • Make a page for available books with links to the stores they’re available in @
  • Make new slides and a new introduction text @
  • Make it possible to sign up for the newsletters (Docis Int/LF)
  • “Buy some pre-engagement” @ Facebook & Instagram (+ Spotify), for “I only do it when other people do it, because I consider that a quality indicator” reasons [You really won’t regret participating… A trained eye will be able to see the potential of this project and ride this wave. (I intend to target trained eyes only… To shape a good community where everyone has “a friendly spark” with everyone.)]
  • Make ads @ Facebook, Google & Instagram 

Haha you can follow the process live… 

14:30 (02:30 PM) 

Haha meow… The links to the new first episode will be available after twelve am, I think… Will I be making my “books” page that late…? 

15:15 (03:15 PM) 

The author’s copies of The Unpublished Episodes have been delivered :]. Of course, the normal copy you would purchase, won’t say “not for resale”. (Because that is not an author’s copy.)

15:48 (03:48 PM) 

New cover image:

I also took away the random dot on the back of The Unpublished Episodes haha. 

I mentioned solliciting in Beverly Hills yesterday. “Solliciting” as in applying for jobs. Of course, that is something I do not want to do. I want to be directing Project Nosce Te Ipsum. 

If people engage in the project, after the launch, tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing. I really hope soooo… 

Either way, I intend to start a new life in the United States (and then later a private island, where our community members will live).

The first episode is 45 pages, by the way, of which a part is space saved to write down your answers inside the book. 

16:55 (04:55 PM) 

I just configured some mailboxes needed to process submissions etc. 

Have you seen the most funny playlist for a tea party yet?

17:32 (05:32 PM) 

Haha I seriously had to save the social network site of the website after a failed update – because the internet connection was acting up – by making changes “on FTP level”… x_x

I also made a logo for the website

When the re-installment of the social network addition is finished, you’ll be able to see the first changes on :).

19:12 (07:12 PM) 

As you can see, there’s a completely different menu when you log in :].

20:33 (08:33 PM) 

Ah, luckily the first episode is available in the book stores now, too :]. These are ebooks. The paperback is avalilable on Amazon. I’ll add the links. 

Ah meow I still need to eat. My family went to a party and will bring me some food later. I only have some granola bars to eat now. 

21:59 (09:59 PM) 

I made you a puzzle :]. [I’m not referring to the next following images only ;).]

No paid advertising [I’m only showing you the current state of affairs]

22:49 (10:49 PM) 

Haha a wild page that hasn’t been used, but adds an interesting layer to my story:

I’m not going to delete this, but it’s “not a useful page”, for this was before I unpublished the previous episodes. 

There’s no way I’ll ever unpublish the new episodes (because in the new version I don’t write about myself that extensive). 

01:37 (AM) 

Shout to a Cuddle for making such nice food! <3_<3 [Eating at this time of “day” is not recommended.]

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Friday, September 28, 2018

04:02 (AM) 

I’m finishing up… I’m quite satisfied with the result :].

Fingers crossed @ the book being submitted to the online stores in time, “ha-ha”………. [That means I laugh while being seriously worried, by the way, hahaahaha XD. What else can I do, right¿]

06:27 (AM) 

Whoop whooooooop

07:12 (AM) 

The paperback is done as well :D.

“Haha” R.I.P. to my sleeping cycle. As the sun rises, I’m going to sleep.

Today will be an “off day”. I still have a private social network to “finish up” “:D”.

15:53 (03:53 PM)

Haha I used this iPhone to find the link to my book in the iBooks store.

(I’ll still be doing equal pricing, though…)

I posted this:

(It’s both me XD.)

17:12 (05:12 PM) 

I think I have the right marketing strategy now…  I’ve also made a fixed price. This might work :D. 

Haha I still feel the pressure as if I have to write to make my deadline. But both of the manuscripts are submitted to the stores already, and [comma and, for overview of long sentence reasons…] one out of two is available in “all international” stores already :]. [Smashwords, Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Overdrive, Kobo, Scribd, etc…]

One of the few packages is delivered 😀 [no paid ad, just like all other things of brands I show]

To form my own opinion about popular content…

19:05 (07:05 PM) 

I’m at the mall with my mother now. I asked her if she was going to take her car to work today, because I wanted to buy new travel bags. 

She then told me she had the day off and proposed to go together. I said aiight. 

I just bought two SD cards (one for my phone, one for my camera because I used that one for my Nintendo Switch).

My mother bought me cream, oil and tea. 

I’m now fitting suits :p

Tallness (“Tallniss”) issues haha

Doen of niet doen¿

I got itt, since I’ve lost quite some weight and thus don’t fit my grey (haha Graey) suit anymore. I mean if I’ll be solliciting in Beverly Hills… 

I’m looking for short stay apartments there :].

Haha if I were to give a lecture, I’d rather wear a custom made suit, or a dress. 

Ah meow I’m so excited for travelling :D. Now I have a budget for doing things and eating hahahahaha. So I have a chance to meet new people now. And I could get a rental car for longer hehe. 

22:55 (10:55 PM) 


I bought us sushi for dinner. I was so hungry that I asked for part of it to eat while we were waiting for the rest haha

My mother bought me this suitcase

Some other stufff I bought for myselff

I bought the oil “against cellulite”, not because I have cellulite, but because I hope that will restore the skin where I’ve been going hammer, because this eczema is on another level. I do not want to see my phycisian, though. To switch to another one, I still need to go past her? [Haha why ask someone you want to sue for help, right? The last time I saw her, I asked for serious assistance, because I could barely walk. She told me she only wanted to speak to “my psychiatric nurse”, because she had spoken my mother about “Benoît as my psychosis” and doubted if I was still “wilsbekwaam”. I let her speak to her for a few minutes and then just left, because she said: “I’ll only help you when you stop refusing the antipsychotics.”]

I’m now going to bring my sister to her boyfriend’s. 

Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

“Lil Fangs” is a temporary name

Until my name is cleared… 

This is a long story…….

Should I keep it short? 

My actual poet’s alias/composers name/writer’s alias is Δοκις, or “Docis”. 

As long as my name isn’t cleared and I can’t deliver the exact work I want to deliver, I don’t want to publish anything under the name that looks like the name of my organization. 

My name being cleared means that my side of the story is heard on the same scale as the story that is far from the truth, which has been spread over a scale so large that it worries me, when it comes to my future as a publicist. 

I can deliver the exact work I want to deliver, when I have assembled a team of creative and ambitious people, who I’ll then be able to compensate for the work they do. I’m currently doing everything [artwork, website maintenance, making beats, proofreading, the submission of the manuscripts to several distribution services, etc.] myself. In some fields, such as design, more time and effort is needed, which would be of better quality and be of more efficient use of time, when done by someone else. I need to earn/save up for this, though… That’s one of the purposes of the Nosce Te Ipsum book series… 

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Thursday, September 27, 2018

[Scroll to the italics for trippy fan-fiction¿]

12:41 (PM) 

Here’s a list of the ingredients I used for the rice pudding I’m eating… Right now… 

  • Rice
  • Almond flakes
  • Raisins
  • Cinnamon
  • Vanilla essence
  • Vanilla sugar
  • Almond essence
  • Sugar
  • Cow milk

It’s still warm :]. I’m drinking tea from matté and lemongrass with it.

I haven’t been able to break my sleeping cycle, where I go to bed past two AM and get out of bed somewhere between 10 and 12. It takes hours for me to fall asleep. It’s not that big a deal, though, because I often write until around one o’clock in the night. 

The hardest thing about leaving my bed, is letting go of my pillow. I always lay it “in portrait” [instead of the classic “landscape” position pilows lay on on beds] and wrap my arms around it. 

With my eyes closed, I focus on the movement of my skull, that has always stayed [but I can’t talk about, because that would make me risk getting stuck in a system I think shouldn’t even exist in the first place**]. I consciously made myself imagine the following scene:

It is early in the morning. Wearing only a t-shirt of him, which is so big that is looks like a shirt dress, I enter the living room that is a modernized space with a kitchen, dining area and couches etc. Benoît is reading a book on the couch, wearing a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, barefoot. His right foot is placed flat on the couch. His other foot is on the floor. He leans against the heightened arm rest of the couch that is custom made, because he is ve-ry tall. 

[This takes place in a penthouse in LA. We’re very close to the top floor, able to oversee the entire city.]

While walking into the kitchen, I notice he often looks up from his book to look at me, with such a loving expression in his eyes. I ask him if he wants some soup, too. He replies, “Yes.” I pour us some of the cream fish soup we made the day before. With two bowls in my hand, I walk around the bar  – with high modern bar stools on the left side – that surrounds the kitchen part of the living room. As soon as I step onto the ground of the sitting area, of wich the wooden floor is lower than the rest of the living space, I can see his full body. I freeze. The porcelain bowls slip out of my hands and shatter onto the ground. I couldn’t help but stare… D a m n… I feel my mouth starts to water… When our eyes meet [I was staring at a different part of him…], within a split second, he throws his book onto the ground and I, without a run-up, jump a more than five meter distance – the way superhumans do – to end up on top of him. 

I wish my feelings for him were generally accepted… With who else can I cook, travel, run, play sports, have non-shallow conversations, write, be crazy intimate, NEVER look at television unless it’s something from our network, do research, do business, learn new languages, translate Latin, play video games, make music, make a movie and learn the ins and outs of the system [so that I exactly know how to alter it without abruptly disrupting it]????? It’s so annoying that these non-parties have put me in a position where I risk(ed¿) losing him for no fucking reason, taking away my right to make my own decisions, while they actually didn’t have the right to do that to me… 

20:23 (08:23 PM) 

I’m having dinner with my parents and sister.

Course 1

Course 2:

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

17:27 (05:27 PM) 

“Should I start every online diary article with a form of “hello” and of “I’m very fond of your interest in me, my dear reader. That interest is mutual, so I ask you questions in my diary and I hope I’ll hear your answers to them one day. I hope I’ll get to know you better and that we’ll become good friends”¿” [I will be doing this differently, “from tomorrow onwards”. You’re still my Cuddle, though :D.]

I hope that the many alternative forms of the same message have been clear throughout my previous diary posts. It’s made to give people who are interested in participating in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, an update of the status of the project. It’s also made for me to vent things I can’t talk about with the people in my environment. I hope that there are some people left on this earth who don’t have the bias of me being “bad news” and “crazy”, and that I could spend the rest of my time with them, so that the things I need to vent won’t even exist, and I can be a happy Cuddle. Hopefully together with you! 

The things I’m venting here are a side-effect of the permanent bad image that (some/most) people now have of me, because of the false rumors that have been spread about me. 

I know it’s not very usual to show such extreme self-expressions of self on a website, but I hope I’ll find people who do relate to this and who do not consider me a bad entrepreneur, a bad writer or anything else bad of the many fields I’m active in, just for expressing how I feel underneath the emotions my physical appearance shows. It’s only in this way, because otherwise I can’t reduce the intensity of the underlying emotion I don’t let my body show. I also hope those who come across this can relate to this and, if the feeling of loneliness were to be there, feel less alone in this.

I know that (“almost”) e-ve-ry single person on the face of the earth has at least once said, done or experienced something that he or she wouldn’t want to share with just anyone, because, even though that one thing doesn’t define all of someone’s personality, some people might still base their perception of that person on that one thing that could be considered negative. In that way, “we have all been there”. The difference for me and some others, is the scale on which this has happend, and that it was beyond our control. 

By “beyond our control”, I mean that we didn’t have a hand in whether the message is sent or not. If I could have hand in the message that was sent, when I was “missing”, I would have said: “DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will make people “worried” for no reason and cause so much false bad publicity for me that it can ruin my entire future. The reason why I’m running away is because that was the only way for me to escape from the house you have locked me inside of. From the start, you knew that I didn’t want this and you still keep persisting your measures. The only way for me to breathe in outside air and move my muscles is by running away. I do not intend to come back.”

That I’m here now, doesn’t mean that I want to be here. I hope my attempts to work and live abroad won’t be sabotaged, like in the past… 

Because of what happend to me in 2017, I have no other choice but to “open Pandora’s Box” and point out why the rumors that have been spread aren’t the truth. This because the bias that has been caused by false beliefs, limits me in my professional life. I still have big plans for ways to improve life, I want to put into practice. It’s not possible for me to do that, if people believe that I’m a bad and crazy person, because of how I have been portrayed. It is not easy to recover from such a fucked up first impression, on so many people that it went beyond my own network. That’s actually even worse than “fucked up”.

18:29 (06:29 PM)


I wish I wasn’t showing you my issues with my parents anymore… I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself, but “we all know how that went, last time”...

It seems like my mother isn’t a big fan of my plans to work abroad. There were no positive statements made, only: “Who says you’ll find the right job?” “Who says you’ll find an apartment?” “Maybe you won’t get the paperwork.” She wants me to work and study in the Netherlands. The urge in me to live somewhere else, becomes greater every day. I want to go to a calm and pretty sunny beach. I’d like to live somewhere where there’s no (or less) cold weather. Some place where there’s a lot of (non-artificially planted) nature, where you can enjoy the sounds of it, instead of hearing cars, sirenes and honking trucks way too often on a day. 

If someone were to be enthusiastic about my ideas, I would just focus myself on that person and talk to him or her, instead of talking with people with a pessimistic form of determinism on their minds, believing nonsense such as “We can never know anything,” “Eternal peace is impossible to achieve,” et cetera. That shit is toxic. With myself, I notice that when I only meet people who believe such things, and I try to prevent silence in a conversation, I just start rephrasing things related to that form of determinism, because I have nothing else to talk about with them. Information about my project I don’t often share with people who answer: “Nothing, just watching TV or something,” to the question: “What do you like to do?” I seek people who would enjoy participating in my project. Participating means that you’ll be using your brain a lot and that 

I have opened the messages from the government, which I’ve mentioned a few days ago. One says pay €7.692,96 before the 18th of October. Another one says pay €961,62 before the 25th of October. For both, if I don’t, it wil automatically be converted into a loan over which I need to pay interest. I’ll have to start paying back monthly, within two years, it says. 

19:39 (07:39 PM)

My strategy for the new Nosce Te Ipsum was based on the words “clear and complete”. It’s a lot less long, compared to the first and second episode of the previous version of the series. There’s a lot more information about Project Nosce Te Ipsum and A LOT more information about the context of the fill-in-the-gap story. I’ve changed the context of our interaction to something more thrilling to “get out of”. I hope it’s now more clear that it’s a “book quest” that is indirect (self-)research. 

For the sake of light exercise, a change of scenes and seeing people of whom I think they’re Cuddle, I’ll be going to “the university” later. I still, in conversations, say “the university”, even though I’m not a student there (anymore). 

21:53 (09:53 PM) 

I think the new fill-in-the-gap story is an improvement, compared to the old one. It’s not exactly new. It starts in a different point in te story, less in medias res

23:02 (11:02 PM) 

Haha meoww I’m in the mood for something light and semi-sweet, but I left my bank card at home… Should I go home…¿ I don’t want to haha……. 

But I will, I guesssss. Some brandy would be nice… And I feel like eating wentelteefjes, haha. The fill-in-the-gap story is spread over two mini chapters now. 

00:36 (12:36 AM) 

Change of plans… I had a glass of water, haha…… 

I’ll make some rice pourridge tomorrow, for breakfast. I plan on having breakfast. In the morning… I most often don’t have breakfast… 

But tomorrow needs to be a productive day :D… So that means getting up early (they say). 

Here’s a link to the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which I haven’t promoted yet. 

Only if I submit the new episode before tomorrow night, I can be sure of it being in stores on the 30th. Meow… I’m doing my very best :]. 

I feel uncomfortable about promoting The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I at least just as much as Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, because I’ve written about my situation with Benoît so extensively, but I haven’t talked about it with him, because I have been somehow separated from him. This since the police issue. I want to know what happend :[. They’ve said he’s too old for me. But what if I dig greyness? Not that I’ve been intimate with him in that way. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to, though… Those agents, too, already had their bias when they interrogated me. So when I answered a question, they said: “No, it’s actually this,” as if they know my mind better than I do, “correcting” my statements. 

I miss him :[. The project I’m working on now, is based off the blueprint of the campaign I wanted to make for him, before my parents interfered in my PR business, by taking parental measures (while the company was mine and only mine). In this project, I’ve reserved a spot for him… 

I hope somehow I’ll be able to get back in touch with him. He’s one of the few people I can truly talk to :[. (In the sense that I can’t truly express myself in “small talk friendships”.)


On the trippy bill I got from the government: my preference goes out to paying the whole thing at once. At the moment I am far from able to do that, so I’d rather enjoy the rest of the money I have while it lasts and take myself on a mini vacation before I might go back to working 40 hours per week in beast mode. I just purchased a travel case for my Nintendo Switch, Sonic Mania [, I wanted to buy Super Smash Brothers, too, but I saw it isn’t out yet for the Switch] and two “popular” books I’ve wanted to read, but haven’t (fully) read yet: The Prince and Letters of a Stoic [some of these letters I do have translated in school, I believe]. They’re both in English. I always love to read books about which there’s a lot of controversy [while most of the people who have an opinion about it haven’t even read it], because there’s often a lot to reflect on, there. Just like when I read Propaganda by Edward Bernays… 

If I’m done writing etc. tomorrow, I could buy new travel suitcases on Friday… Should I go to Italy or California…? Italy is closer by, so I could stay there for longer, but I don’t speak Italian and I’m more interested in permanent residence in California. But I crave for Italian food from Italy itself… I’ve stayed in Udine and in Brugnera during separate holiday seasons, with my family and some family friends, years ago. And I’ve been to Rome on a ten day school trip. 

If it were up to me, I would dash out of here and go on a short holiday on the 1st of October, because I want to be by myself or be with people without a negative view on me, in a new city I [or we? :D] can explore. But my mother’s birthday is on the 8th. Also, I don’t know where to be on the 2nd of October. Benoît’s birthday… I want a Cuddle :[. I’ve literally been holding back tears about this 24/7, since May 2017. If these haters would know all of the shit I’m not telling them… Where’s my B? :[

I want to be close to where B is, on the 2nd. I really wish I could give him a birthday hug [and Cishes¿ als dat mag…] and the author’s copy I’ve purchased for him… He lend me two books, after a “hang out” [please don’t mistake it for a synonym of “doing nothing”… we were talking about very serious things], so I think it’s cool to give him a book this time. I don’t even have a clue of in which country he is… There’s something so fishy going on here, and I know some people know much more about my parents calling the cops on us. I don’t want to “open verbal fire” about this topic by myself again, though. It always became 2+ against 1. I’ve been struggling with my heart rhythm. I know a discussion where it feels like you’re talking to a stack of bricks will make that issue A LOT greater. 

My gut says they’ve imprisoned him. In the way I was interrogated, it really sounded like they wanted to frame him. But I’ve gone against the bias in the posing of their questions and I’ve said that he’s a good man and that I would rather leave with him, than with my parents [The truth, to this day..]. I hope my gut isn’t right :[. This situation is so strange… :[

Ah, meow, it’s 02:31 (AM)… Now it’ll be a late breakfast… 

Thank you for reading my randomness

I love you! <3

Good night


Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

My Interview with Smashwords

What do your supporters mean to you?
My supporters are my happiness. It is so comforting to know that there are so many more people out there, who are like me. I wouldn’t know what to do, without them…

What are you working on next?
The second episode of the first book of Nosce Te Ipsum I. The research questions for the entire series, I already have. The exact content of an episode, I like to write on-the-go, to give my audience a real-time update of the status of the project they’re a part of.

Who are your favorite authors?
I love Ovid, Seneca and whoever wrote or writes example sentences in (online) dictionaries… (So much of my time I spend writing, that I rarely read…)

What inspires you to get out of bed each day?
Project Nosce Te Ipsum! It leaves so much room for me to combine the skills I have. Another thing I love about it, is how it can bring together people from all over the world.

When you’re not writing, how do you spend your time?
When I’m not writing, I’ll probably be working out, playing the piano, cooking or hanging out :]. I spend most of my time writing, though.

Do you remember the first story you ever wrote?
Unfortunately, I don’t remember the first story. I do vaguely remember a story I wrote, with a character named “Lord of The Dark”, when I was about 10… I wrote it, because with the class for children with a high IQ, we were hosting the visitation of a Dutch author, and I wanted to give her something. I find it saddening that I don’t have a back-up of the story… Just like I don’t have back-ups from the stories I’ve written before that.

What is your writing process?
I reason out the main story-line first. After that, I make a short summary of bullet points, per chapter. The summary is only an indirect reminder for me to not fly off the main story-line (too far).

How do you approach cover design?
Because I make the covers myself, and I always want to publish a book as soon as possible, I tend to keep it simple. For the old episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, for example, I re-used old images.

The constant rush is because I want to start Project Nosce Te Ipsum as soon as possible [for the togetherness :D] and I want to write myself out of student debt…

What is your e-reading device of choice?
My laptop, of which I can flip the screen in such a way that it can become a tablet, is my favorite e-reading device. I like that the device is larger than regular e-readers and I can make notes in the ebooks. I always make notes in the books I read… [I prefer paper over screens!]

Describe your desk 
Messy, too low and too small… Sitting behind it always makes my back hurt after a while, because I’m too tall for it, but this is the only size desk that fits into my bedroom. I used to study behind it, in high school, but now it’s more to store things on that don’t fit into my closets. A mannequin head I don’t have, so my wig hangs over my high black desk lamp. (I live with my parents… I want to emigrate, but I can’t, yet…)

I often write at the large dark yellow desk in my father’s home office, at the dinner table or at the dinner table in our small backyard.

Where did you grow up, and how did this influence your writing?
I grew up in Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. Very great parts of my childhood, I have spent with my grandparents. My grandmother (father’s mother) used to be a teacher and my grandfather (mother’s father) had a profession like the one I have now [doing multiple things independently, in multiple fields…]. They taught me how to read and write, before I went to school. They also encouraged me to keep writing.

My grandmother (born and raised in Surinam, just like the rest of most of my family) has worked and lived in England and the United States, before she moved to the Netherlands. She taught me British English, before I went to school. I think it’s because of American English media in the Netherlands, that I have an American English accent and adapt my grammar to that. 

Gymnasium is a level of middle and high school education in the Netherlands, where you are taught Latin and old Greek. I think I have the tendency to write long sentences, from translating Latin.

Published 2018-09-25.

Click here to see the source

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

14:40 (02:40 PM) 

Hi 😀 <3

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I has passed all checks and is under review for the premium catalog now :].

I’ve used the same cover image as I published the old first episode with. I’m not sure if I should keep it…? 

The price is now $17.77, of which up to 40% goes to the retailer [the exact amount depends on where you buy it]. 
You could already purchase it via Smashwords, if you like :D. 

I intend to finish up the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 in between today and tomorrow.

Being by myself in silence for 90% of my time awake, is starting to bore me a lotttt now, though. My days have been like that most of the time, since April 2017… 

I’m not in the mood to randomly hit someone up to sit and talk somewhere, though… I want to do something new :D. And travel to a different country… 

Shout out to my previous employer for this month’s salary :D. It’s the highest of three months. Meoow! 

Where are we going, my Cuddle? 😀

Where would you like to go? 

I’ve also received some study financing, still. I’ll stop that loan today, because they want me to start paying it back already. 

I hope I’ll be able to… [“spoiler alert”] In The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, I inform you that Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 had one sale, and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2 had no sales. 

I’ll be able to financially last during this month. Next month, however, if I have no book sales, I’ll have to apply for a job again… 

If that’s the case, I’d like to work somewhere abroad :D. [The reason for “:D” is the “abroad”… I need sun and I want to experience living under other cultures in another country :D.] 

Sooo… Where are we going? 😀

I want to go to LA… Is it so that I can stay in the States for max 90 days…? I want to stay much longer… 

I’ve been thinking of working as a Dutch translator… 

That’s only if the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 has no engagement, though… I’m afraid it will go like last time… [ = no sales…] Maaybe it won’t… Maybe it will¿

16:35 (04:35 PM) 

I’m making the cover of the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I right now… 

19:47 (07:47 PM) 

The DPI of the paperback’s cover image just doesn’t want to be uploaded as 300… Even when I convert it! I’ll solve this, though… 

Check out my online interview with Smashwords :]. I find it so much fun to talk about my plans and my writing. I would love to give a lecture about it, one day [more than just once] :D. 

I hope the episodes will be uploaded to all stores before the 30th… This depends on how fast it will be processed… 

20:56 (08:56 PM) 

The solution for the cover image:

Made a slight change:

Now it’s “fang plant”

22:48 (10:48 PM) 

Shout out to the foam layer on my selfmade chai latte 😀

00:53 (12:53 AM) 

Another “spoiler”:

Finally it workeddd

De 30ste gaat krap worden……… 

Maar ik ga alles op alles zetten in de hoop het op tijd te halen. Anders wordt de aparte indruk die ik maak alleen maar groter…. 

02:22 (AM) 

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I is being sumbitted to other stores, such as Barnes & Noble and iBooks. Its paperback will be available for purchase on Amazon within 72 hours, just like the ebook. I have requested two author’s copies, in the hope that I’ll be able to give one of them to my Cuddle B, one day… 

It’s quite comforting that the book is processed so far already. I hope the submission of the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 will go just as fast! Then I’ll make it for sure :D. 

I’m off to bed

Cishe? 😀



Good night, my Cuddle


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes

Monday, September 24, 2018

11:49 (AM) 

My Cuddle!! <3

I have missed you soo much!! Those few days of not writing you, seemed to last forever…

*Catts you*

The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I is basically finished. And I have received my publisher’s prefix! 

I’m still working on the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1. The new edition feels quite mechanic, because I have taken out the author’s perspective. I don’t think it’s right that I’ve followed that advice from people who aren’t even active participants in the project, but I do want to show you the extremely large scope of Project Nosce Te Ipsum, which wasn’t that emphasized in the previous editions. As soon as possible!!!

I want to start the project and emigrate and be surrounded by people who are like me and are not hurtful :D. I hope you want the same thing!!! 

I changed the menu of this website, too, yesterday. 

The rest of today, I’ll be eating, jogging, writing and cooking. I went to sleep pretty late last night, because I wanted to finish the preface of The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I. Should I change “Deleted” into “Unpublished”…? Yeah, I think so… 

I told myself to take a break from writing diary posts, because that makes me lose time I could use to write the new first episode. Now I think that as long as I invest more time into the new episode, than I invest in this diary, it’s fine… 

If I request my ISBNS today, The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I can be released (after) tomorrow. I’ll get to it :D. 

20:07 (08:07 PM) 

Some taste palettes:

> Rice

  • Rice
  • Potatoes
  • Salt
  • Butter
  • Water

> Vegetables

  • Unions
  • Courgettes
  • Aubergines
  • Red paprika
  • Saffron
  • Five spices

> Lamskarbonade 

  • Ras el hanout
  • Hoisin sauce
  • Ketjap
  • Mustard
  • Oregano
  • Paprika (powder) 
  • Karwij
  • Cumin
  • Thyme
  • Ginger
  • Nutmeg

You might want to use only a selection of the ingredients used, for preparation of the lamb meat. I baked it a little, and put it in the oven afterwards. 

    I already started eating :p

    I’ll be uploading The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I for epubcheck etc. soon, today :]. I have already received the ISBN :D. 

    Random Thoughts

    Old Notes

    I came across some things I’ve written in the past:

    If you would see your daughter/son write this about suicidal thoughts, would you ever punish him/her again? Haha maybe my Cuddle would even say: “Why would I punish my child in the first place?” I don’t know either! But writing this didn’t change a thing, for me…

    As you can see, “writing things out” is not new to me at all! When I was very young, I was already writing books. Unfortunately, the computers I’ve written them on are formatted and trashed, and the notebooks I used to are also trashed!! (I’m still so devastated about this :[. I could have made it already…)

    Does this look familiar? :p (@Ex Animo) “Chaos” is a reference to a creation myth alternative to that of “the Big Bang”. By “Male Energy” I do not mean “Men”. I mean that there are two types of energy and one is dominating in the way we are taught to live life. Consider it the parabel of hawks and doves. In the online version, I have taken that part away, to make sure those who like to judge don’t get the chance to misinterpret my words. “Earth is awesome! Life is amazing!” Okay!?

    I kept a diary too when I was in the hospital. This notebook I bought there, after writing full the other one. When I left the hospital, the red one was full, too. “Toestemming geven om mijn spullen meegenomen te laten worden en ondergebracht te worden bij de locatie waar ik mijn proces om mijn naam te zuiveren afwacht.” (But they never allowed that to happen.)

    When I was stuck under surveillance at home (and in Suriname), I also wrote.

    Ex Animo, Random Thoughts

    Reputational Damage

    If there weren’t a (globally¿) spread rumor about me, I would have been approached and believed positively different, by others. Starting this project would have been much easier, without this bias.

    Even people who I don’t know, (think they) “know” me, as that person who “has had mental issues”, because of the message that was spread, while I was missing. Most of them talk to me as if I’m not an adult and should be kept away from “serious information”. It is in the sentiment in their voice. As if a war broke out and I am a little child who doesn’t understand what’s happening, so they tell me: “We just have to hide here,” without explaining the context to me. I find this so very annoying. 

    And this while I wasn’t having mental issues. I was just having a conflict with my parents that then already lasted three weeks and I was too broke to say: “I’ll live in a hotel until I find a place to stay.” (If I had some money, back then, I wouldn’t have had to sleep outside to finally be away from “the pit”.)

    The conflict was about me spending time with Benoît.

    My PR business was about to go bankrupt, then. They’ve sealed this by spreading a message that emphasized their side of the story as the “good side”, in the conflict, portraying me as the “bad and crazy side and sole cause”, by not sharing that we were in a conflict and I wasn’t heard. Since the day on which Benoît and I were planning to meet up, but I was taken to the First Aid, because I was in conflict with my parents and I stopped talking to them and looking at them, after which I wasn’t allowed to go outside by myself anymore, we have been fighting. Since that day, they let psychiatric nurses come to the house almost every day. Every time I’ve told them, I did not want and did not need their help. They say: “Without our help, this [wanting to see Benoît, “who is not real”, they said] won’t be solved.” They gave me all types of antipsychotics and kalmeringspillen.

    I’ve never showed them the e-mail evidence I had. Initially out of disappointment for them not believing me while I was speaking the truth. And also because it was none of their fucking business what our e-mails were about.

    The day I went missing, I had “changed my behavior” (in the sense that I actually took some of those pills [because I wanted them to allow me to go outside]) and was allowed to go outside. Outside, I felt so free and wanted that feeling to last forever, so I decided to never go home again, not thinking of them reporting me as “missing”.

    I was found after three days after “leaving the house to play the piano in the central library of Rotterdam” [even though we have a piano at home. I tend to avoid negative commentary (especially when practicing)]. Found by two cops, because someone from the neighborhood I was in at that time (Hillegersberg), had called the cops because I was outside on the same spot, for too long. I told them I would go to my grandmother, if I’m not allowed to sit outside on that bench, close to a (grocery) shopping area in a neighborhood I didn’t know. When I wanted to walk away, they said, “That I wasn’t allowed to,” and had to take place in the back of the police van. They drove me to the station in the neighborhood my parents’ house is in, where they forced me to do a urine test, forced me to empty some cup with “orange juice” and interrogated me way too often, while I told them I didn’t want to talk. 

    Underneath my expressionless face was so much rage about the way they treated me as if I was a criminal, which I didn’t show them, because they wouldn’t understand it for sure [if they didn’t even realize “I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME” means that YOU SHOULD NOT CALL MY PARENTS TO COME AND PICK ME UP]. They were all armed, so I didn’t want to take risk when it came to that either.  

    No one has told me what exactly was in the message they sent when I was missing, how Benoît was involved in the search process and on what scale people have heard a message about me that they shouldn’t have heard. (I was worried about the scale, because I still had a PR business. I am still worried about the scale, because I want to do international business and this rumor makes people think I’m not able to do this.)

    I’ve only been told that I’ve made “everyone” so worried that they couldn’t live their lives normally [and that while I’ve seen most of them in person again, after being found, SIX MONTHS LATER, as a visitor, when I had let myself be taken into an institution (like they wanted from the start) in the hope that they would allow me to prove that I AM NOT CRAZY. THEY DIDN’T. I wasn’t allowed to prove my case.] and that they searched for Benoît, but couldn’t find him [which is something I doubt, for some reason… Everyone has told me they don’t know anything about how exactly he was involved and what happend after I was found].

    When I allowed myself to be taken into the institution, on the 8th of October, I also broke contact with my parents. I was taken into Het IJsselland Ziekenhuis on the 6th of October with extreme internal pains “around my birthing area”. When the hospital offered me to go home on the 8th, because I had to wait for test results, but was still in so much pain that I couldn’t walk properly, I told them I didn’t want to go home. At home, the conflict about Benoît never stopped. It was still verbal fights almost every night, after they came home from work. We were also fighting because I stayed in bed most of the time and they wanted me to get a side job. I told them: “Zolang je blijft volhouden dat ik psychotisch ben, vind ik dat ik niet hoef te werken.”

    Benoît was my last client. It’s so fucked up that my parents always negatively interfere when I want to do business. (Now, again! I want to release Project Nosce Te Ipsum and they obligate me to go to school AND get a side-job. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!!!)

    I’ve added some information to the September 18 post.

    My full story on this, was “the back story”, taking up 80% of the first episode of the old Nosce Te Ipsum.

    I’ve always pictured my “debut to the world” so differently… After hearing “The news about you went viral,” I thought that I’d never be able to accomplish my dreams again. This project is my last attempt to establish myself in a better way, to rid myself of the negative bias, I hope…

    I’m looking for a good Pro Deo lawyer to defend my case to take away the “schizofreen verklaring” out of my files. [If I were able to afford a non-Pro Deo lawyer, I would. The only thing he or she needs to do is know my (quite long…) case and explain the “legal process timeline” to me. The verbal defending, I’ll do myself. He/she only needs to sit next to me.] To defend this, Benoît’s side of the story needs to be heard as well. The problem is that I’m not able to reach him anymore and I don’t know why. No one here wants to tell me more about how he was involved in my parents’ case, but my father accuses me of framing him in this set of text messages. I do not have shit like that in my nature. Why the fuck would I frame someone I want to spend the rest of my life together with??

    I smile to these people and stay polite even when they hurt me, but deep down I’m dealing with so much cropped up anger for the way they treat me, I really need to continue my business activities from a different location… To this day, I’m treated as if my perception of life is “unreal”.

    You can read all about my perspective in the soon to be released The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I

    Random Thoughts

    Random question 2

    Should the government have the right to force medication – such as antipsychotics or libido inhibitors – upon you? [I think not… What if you’re really not a case for that medicine, but they just really don’t listen to you and don’t allow you to defend yourself… (Speaking from experience, here…)]

    Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts, Reflections

    Do you believe that I will make it? 

    My Cuddle,

    Today, it’s the 22nd of September. As usual, I have given myself so much work that even talking to a friend/acquaintance who I’ve ran into, feels like an extreme waste of time, for every minute I spend working on project Nosce Te Ipsum, makes such a big difference in the long term.

    Healthy would be to make the release later than the 30th. The 40 hours per week work agreement I’ve used to earn a small self-investment in this company, ended on the 2nd of this month. And then there were my final exams, of which the last one was yesterday.

    Unfortunately, some factors in my personal situation don’t allow me to take my time to establish this project. (It’s not that bad, though, because I’ve already thought everything out. I only need to put it on paper/the internet…)

    Here’s what I intend to do before the 30th:

    • Write a preface for the combined edition of the two previously deleted [deleted by myself, because some content could be considered very controversial, but this huge controversy isn’t the essence] NTI episodes and publish this
    • Write out the summary I’ve made for the new official first episode of NTI and publish this [with my publisher’s license, I still need to purchase]
    • Change the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page on this website
    • Make D.O.C.I.S. International a non-single-page website, which includes sign-up forms, polls and a members-only forum
    • Make online ads for the book and the project

    With these steps, I’m trying to achieve the following:

    • Through Project Nosce Te Ipsum, conduct international research, in search of the Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, which will be used as the scope of D.O.C.I.S. International’s initiatives to boost our evolutionary process
    • Grow a community of today’s (new) pioneers
    • Make the Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate acknowledged in such a way, school isn’t a necessity to ensure yourself of a(n) [constant] income
    • Put into practice my plan for a movie that relates to the book episodes, along with some self-composed music

    I really hope you’ll participate, my Cuddle :]. It would be so nice to have our own island…

    Even though we’d then have our own island, our evolutionary aid could be in every country, if they’re open to it and if 75% [or 60%, not 50.01%! Preferred is 100%… I want real consensi…] of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council agrees with doing this. Our members who decide not to live on Planet Fang, will have acces to our aid, still. Anyone who participates in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, can become a member. Once, for a lifetime :]. (But of course you can always resign.)

    Drafts, Random Thoughts, Recipes

    A dinner sketch

    I can’t sleep… I have been “distancing myself from” meat as part of my diet for about three years now [with some unfrequent exceptions…]. Yesterday, however, while gazing over the menu card, I found (medium-rare) steak the most tasty option. I will for sure be able to distance myself from white meat forever. But red meat, daarentegen… Meowww… I’m basically dreaming about the taste of some more steak (but then self-made¿) while awake, right now… I’m so hungry, but there’s no room service or nightshop close to the area I’m in right now… [And where to buy sappige midnight steak in the middle of the night¿]

    Every Saturday and Monday are my “official” cooking days. “Today” [it’s 01:29 am as I’m writing this]… I crave for more deliciousness… My mouth is already watering from the thought of what I’ll be making…

    I’ll be making:

    1. Steak with (semi-)self-made butter
    2. Supplí
    3. A salad

    [And a small pot with gestoofd vlees to make steak and cheese sandwiches with the next day…]

    1. Cuddle Steak

    You‘ll need [a translator [me¿ :D] (app) for my quick recipe drafts, maybe, because I know most foods in Dutch or Sranan Tongo] the following ingredients:

    • Juicy steak (iets pezigs… Er zijn zo veel verschillende soorten! Please experiment along with me 😀. The things I prepare are always “off the top”.)
    • Thyme
    • Nutmeg
    • Roomboter
    • Citroen
    • Kruizemunt
    • Knoflook

    2. Supplí (Cuddle Me¿)

    • “Risotto rijst” (of basmati…?)
    • Witte wijn
    • Parmesan
    • Rode pesto
    • Uien
    • Mozzarella
    • Paneermeel
    • Een ei (of meer? Afhangende van hoeveel je wil maken…)
    • (Patent¿)bloem [geen tarwebloem uit de supermarkt, for the best taste experience in dit geval… (Of altijd…?)]
    • Am I forgetting something¿

    3. Perfect Match Fusion Salad

    • Veldsla
    • Tayer
    • Wortelen
    • Tomaten
    • Soyabonen
    • Sesamzaadjes
    • Soyasaus
    • Olive oil
    • (Honey + goat cheese? Or will that be too cheesy…?)
    • Nog iets¿

    4. Lake & cheese

    • Laurierblaadjes
    • Tomaten
    • Pimentkorrels
    • Groentenbouillon
    • Uien
    • Nutmeg
    • Cheese suitable for a thick melted layer, on the stewed meat, on the sandwich…
    • “Surinaamse broodjes”

    Haha stay tuned :D. I’ll be making this later. I wish I were cooking this for my Cuddles…

    15:12 (03:12 PM) 

    Some of the groceries are for Monday’s dinner, some groceries from the list are missing, because they were already “present in the house”.

    Shout out to a Cuddle from Amsterdam, who I’ve known since day 1, for coming along with me when grocery shopping 😀

    20:01 (08:01 PM)


    I’d like to use Kobe thenext time I make thiss


    I haven’t used goat cheese, but I did use honey in my dressing. (Olive oil, soy sauce, sesame seeds and honey. Balsamic vinegar might go nice with it…)

    If you have a “frituurpan”, it’s better to put the supplí in there. (For a more even color and better melted “inside mozzarella”.)

    My Cuddle 😀

    I hope you’re experimenting with my recipe drafts… They resemble taste pallettes. I like to creatively challenge you. In this case, by giving you only the basic ingredients, and a picture of the final result…

    It turned out my father and sister u n f o r t u na te ly had other dinner plans… I have so many left-overs now “hahaha”…

    So I’ll be making the stew tomorrow or monday¿

    15:10 (03:10 PM)

    Here it is 😀

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Friday, September 21, 2018

    18:00 (06:00 PM) 

    Good evening, my dear reader <3

    I am so curious to know how you perceive life. I can’t wait for project Nosce Te Ipsum to start!! 

    30 minutes ago, I handed in the final exam of the mathematics module I’d been following since January. Now, finally, D.O.C.I.S. International is my only focus! Studying and having a side-job I didn’t exaxtly do voluntarily. I feel quite relieved that I have less distractional occupations. Hopefully this will be so for the rest of our lives [I hope for the both of us!]. Unfortunately, there’s an interfering factor here… 

    My parents want me to continuously be in school and have a job. It exhausts me. I’ve done the combination of the 40 hour work week and 24 self-study hours per week for two months. Before that, I was busy [non-vacation travelling quite often (while studying) [I wish I wasn’t forced to do that] and before that I was also studying, while dealing with the people my parents had given the task to monitor me [every time I said: “These conversations are not helping me. I do not want to do this. This is a waste of time.” After a year [for that long, they’ve been asking me random questions about Benoît at least once a week…], they still didn’t want to listen to me, so I ran. This was to prove that I can function (way better) without them. They, since I had proven it and I was acting more social [against my will, but to keep my freedom], they didn’t have “a ground for” putting me back under their surveillance]]. It’s hard to describe the forms of frustration and sadness that come with people who believe that you’re less than you actually are. [Also, this diary is way too depressing, so I won’t elaborate on it any further hahahah. I want to end thatttt. I need my Cuddles and my projectt in real life. You’re my happiness…] Now they want me to sign up for another school year and have me pay half of my tuition, while I get another side-job. (I’d rather die?) I find that I at least can have a break from both having a side-job and school, for at least a month? Why do I necessarily need to work now? I’m only 21? I can work full-time when I’m 23, too? The retirement age is 65? I actually do not want to work for a boss ever again. I fucking hate that they do not allow me to do what I want. (It sounds like I’m 5 :'[…) The most annoying thing about this is that this feels like a “ticking time bomb” situation: if I don’t obey their wishes, they might want to put me under surveillance again. 

    I hope I can stall the moment that they find that “I’m “doing nothing” [I write at least 4 hours a day…] too much” and want to take measures, until the 30th. But because they can strike at any moment, saying: “Dominique, we see that you’re not doing well. You’re not meeting up with your friends anymore and you don’t have a job. We want you to talk to a proffessional and take mental health pills again.” [In Dutch] They don’t believe that I can make it as a 21-year-old entrepreneur… I want to show everyone that I can! To make sure I’ve launched the project before they strike, I actually intend to release the new first book episode, before the 30th. I do not want to conform myself to an agreement with an employer or a university, because in the long term, I only want to spend my “work time” on D.O.C.I.S. International. 

    19:38 (07:38 PM) 

    A quick hotel room tour? 😀

    [I smile a lot better when I see my Cuddle in person :D.]

    It’s my last night here. My time here has nourished my mind so much! 

    Even though it’s quite windy and rainy, I still want to air out a little. And move my muscles… I’ve been inside all day. 

    A random picture I took of my breakfast [at 9!]:

    After my walk, I’ll be writing

    Tot later 😀

    *Gives you a Cishe*

    22:30 (10:30 PM) 

    Haha it wasn’t raining anymore when I went outside. 


    I see a decrease in day Cuddles. Should I change something about my content? Are you a daily visitor? A weekly one? A monthly one? Anually¿ Once and never again?

    The decrease could also be because of “end of week occupations”, like clubbing. 

    I guess I should state the questions in my polls more seriously. It was just a joke to test out if the polling works properly on this website… I hope it wasn’t misunderstood…. I’ll move them to D.O.C.I.S. International, which will become a non-single page website… Haha meoow that’s what I’ll be working on tomorrow (morning¿).

    I think I should, until the release, take a break from writing online diary posts. I still want to write to keep an overview of what I perceive. This will be written in a different format :p. 

    *Snuggles up against you* 

    Hi 😀

    Did you just feel us getting closer? 

    I hope this isn’t uncomfortable to you… We’re so cuddled up in this Cuddle, I’m breathing against your skin… 

    Haha I’ll show you what Catting is:

    Thank you for letting me hold your arm. With my nose, I’m caressing it, right now… Meow :D. 


    I’m going to sleep

    Good night, my love


    I sometimes still edit already written text, to make it more clear :p.

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Thursday, September 20, 2018

    13:37 (01:37 PM) 

    Good afternoon, my Cuddle :]

    How’s your day? 


    I’m revising mathematics a little. The next things I’ll be doing are:

    * Buy HB pencil + gum

    * Buy some snacks? 

    * Drive and check in

    * Make a restaurant reservation? 

    * Have a few seconds to breathe in my hotel room 

    * Make previous exams achterstevoren…

    15:51 (03:51 PM) 


    What’s your dinner time? Mine is 7…

    18:51 (06:51 PM) 

    Haha I’m taking myself on a date. This is my second time by myself in a (non-fast food) restaurant. (But, as you might have read, going to restaurants I have done quite more frequently than usual in the past few months, in a non-solo setting.)

    Meoww next time we’ll be eating together, right? 

    I need to still go over the mathematics material some more. The beginning questions will not be a problem, but at the final few question types, I sometimes still make mistakes. But if I study too much now and tomorrow, I will “run out of concentration for” my exam… It’s three hours… 

    I would love to walk around and explore the neighborhood a little. Or go to the beach¿ Or both… Maybe I should go to the beach tomorrow¿ 

    My starter mid-eating

    Haha I’ve done so much advertising for free…¿

    I used to be better at self-courtship. If I get my level of self-courtship up, I can be a better lover for you as well [is what they say¿ But what does the process look like in reality?? Maybe it’s just another oneliner… ***]. 

    It’s going to be “a long walk”, by the way. I was contemplating about how to spend my first (out of two) nights here. It’s a 56 minute walk to the (non-busy side of the) beach from here. The decision depends on whether my belly will be full enough or not. As in there’s no late night room service or a nightshop here, and I digest food very fast, so I should be careful not to get hungry… 

    I’ll just start the walk and see how far I get. Afterwards, I’d like to meditate. 

    And then revise some more in the morning? And just take more time to relax my mind for a while. Studying and writing require quite some concentration… 

    My main course mid-eating

    I’m going to practice another self-perspective [while eating, haha. My diary posts I always write on my phone and update basically per paragraph (I press “send” frequently)]:

    I’m sitting alongside the window of the restaurant of the hotel where I have my exam tomorrow, wearing the same red, white and black striped shirt I wore the last time I met up with Benoît, together with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t have the dark blue Fashion Nova jeans and white Nike Airforce I’m wearing now, then. Then, I wore black suede Clarks desert boots and black Primark trousers. 

    On the one hand, I love to be alone. On the other hand, I would love to have someone to share my loneliness with. Someone who feels alone, too and who is tired of this loneliness, too. We would be such Cuddles :D. With this form of loneliness, where today’s trends are unappealing to you, comes a certain type of wisdom, I think. 

    By loneliness, I don’t mean “not having anyone to “hang out” with”. It is the loneliness that comes with having a large (unuseful) “hang out network”.

    I seek for that person who doesn’t have “today’s dark sense of humor”. Someone who doesn’t, for laughs, insults you out of nowhere, as a joke. When someone does that, I want to open verbal fire and tell him or her that I fucking hate when people do that, and I wouldn’t do that to the people I love, or initiate a joke like that [but if someone goes too far, I definitely do it back]. But I often just fakely laugh… With people firmly believing that I’m schizophrenic [they treat me like I’m unconscious], it’s even more useless trying to argue with them. 

    I don’t like that I’m talking about un-cuddles again. I wish I could move to a secluded area, where I don’t meet these people anymore, so that they can just become a distant memory. 

    [I just saw that the beach is much closer by, but it’s named “park …”]

    *** I want to feel more comfortable with myself. When I enter whatever room or another location, it feels like people are so focused on me (stop their conversation to). In a way, I like the attention. But only when it’s positive, of course… I’m not as good at sensing if someone’s Cuddle or in-cuddle as I used to. 

    I always feel a slight discomfort in the sense that my body has been, since about April 2017, feeling tense, continuously. I could rid myself of this, if I would very closely befriend a tall and muscular Cuddle. I need someone to massage me with so much force, it’s like you’re flatting out pizza dough. 

    Another crucial factor that will take away the tension, is that I want our future to be “sealed”. That’s when our projects are fully established. This (pre-)establishing is something I do all by myself. I’m, like I mentioned in June, not able to relax before I’ve accomplished this. It’s still going according to plan. It’s that my eyes catch time frames by the second, while my mind is occupied with things that will take place much later. 

    22:43 (10:43 PM) 

    In mijn dagboek schrijf ik echt te veel over dat schizofrenie gedoe. Ik zit helaas nog te veel met de vraag wat er precies gebeurd is. Buiten mijn aanwezigheid is er een (internationale??) “zoek”campagne uitgezet. Hierbij is persoonlijke informatie van mij, vrijgegeven. Ik zou graag gewoon willen weten wat er allemaal gezegd is. En ik wil graag weten (in) hoe(verre) Benoît [mag ik Crutzen zeggen?] hierbij/hierin betrokken is geweest. Ik heb op het politiebureau een black-out gehad. Toen mijn zusje en ouders me kwamen ophalen op het bureau, in de avond, en ze vroegen wat er gebeurd was, zei ik: “Ik wil er niet over praten.” De voorgaande paar weken waren traumatisch. Ik heb in deze periode Benoît [Crutzen] niet gezien. 

    Ik ben bang dat ik weer een: “We hebben met zijn allen besloten om dit te doen. We moesten een vermissing opgeven / we hebben met zijn allen besloten dat jij hulp nodig hebt,” te horen krijg. Net als de vorige keer. Ik ben in de tweede situatie niet bij de besluitvorming betrokken. (In de eerste situatie (“vermissing opgeven”) was dat natuurlijk niet eens mogelijk.)

    Toen, dreigde ik “bankroet” te gaan. Dat is uiteindelijk ook gebeurd… Hij had erg enthousiast gereageerd op mijn voorstel voor het uitzetten van een campagne. Via e-mail bespraken we wat de mogelijke onderwerpen van de campagne zouden kunnen worden. We suggereerden de onderwerpen statistiek, wiskunde en micro-economie. Ik mocht niet met hem afspreken… Maar ik zou hem heel graag nog eens [voor altijd] willen zien….

    My Cuddle, 

    Cuddle means you, on the other side of the screen. You, who are reading my words so carefully. I appreciate you so much <3. 

    I’ll be laking. [that’s lake-ing elisie]

    What I like about being by myself is the calmth. No disturbance by the sound of television or that of judgment-filled conversations. What I do, is not a disturbance to me. If it is, to you, it might be better to close yourself off from this disturbance. 

    In large social situations, I tend to cling to the Graeyniss… 

    In this situation, I’ll be going to sleep. 

    Good night, my Cuddle

    I love you ve-ryy much



    Oh desert? 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

    Wednesday, September 19, 2018

    02:13 (AM) 

    My Cuddle! 

    I have decided to delete parts of what I’ve previously written in this post. This diary has been used for me to vent, sometimes. As you might have noticed… It doesn’t leave room for the other anonymous party I was venting about to vent and it was just a minor aspect I needed to vent about, so what’s the point of keeping it in my history, right? [The “You’ve hurt me too often. I want to run away and never come back.” “You’re insane and irresponsible! Fine, stay away!!!” messages are something else. Dat is bijna strafbaar.]

    (Re-stated) other things I wrote:

    I guess, for about two years now, to the many people whom I have told: “Yes, we’re friends! I’ll definitely involve you in my business, once I get there!”: I really want to take those words back. To me, it isn’t right to let someone who only comes around for the end result, who hasn’t put effort in understanding what it is in the first place, to have an administrator-like role in the project… That role is for my readers! If you’re interestedd. 

    While making that statement about being friends, I thought that that person is trustable and loving. Now that, in the eyes of “society”, I have been called crazy, I see how many people have turned their backs against me. To these “friends”: I wish these people all the best in life. I PRAY I WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! 

    If you only knew how much it hurts to see others, I thought I could trust, watch me struggle for myself to be heard, while they could have helped me in the blink of an eye. THE ONLY GODDAMN THING YOU HAD TO DO IS SAY: “YES, I BELIEVE YOU.” AND THEN TELL THOSE FUCKING DUMB PSYCHIATRISTS THE SAME FUCKING THING. But unfortunately they didn’t do this. All of them already assumed that I’m crazy, before they heard my side of the story… (Fuck ’em :D.)

    Often I say: “Yes, of course we’ll hang out, once I have some free time!” 

    A true friend would study with me… Or write with me… Or talk about having self-made projects with me… I haven’t yet very closely befriended someone who has truly similar ambitions. (Some tell me that person doesn’t exist…) [By truly similar, I mean that I have project Nosce Te Ipsum and you have project “…”…… Or something else creative. If not: I DO NOT want your feedback!! Who the fuck actually thinks: “YAAAAY LEKKER AFGEZEKEN WORDEN!!!” NOT ME, FOR SURE! IT FUCKING HURTS SOOOOO MUCH!! I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU MY FULL STRATEGY YET. YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN IT’S THERE. WHY ALREADY BE NEGATIVE FOR NONSENSIC MINOR DETAILS? The essence of Cuddleship is about parties of active mutual engagement on the top level of (co)operation. (Sorry for the confusing “you’s”. I hope you can filter out which you are.)] But a lot of people I have spent time with are not that actively trying to make a change and use their creative intelligence. They just talk… It’s “fine” that they enjoy that. I do not enjoy that. This project is my passion. I’m not passionate about shit like Netflix, you’re not passionate about my things… We are not a right fit as “friends”.

    I do not want to spend the little amount of free time I have with them. It’s way too stressful. You know what they say: “If you really want it, you should make time for it.” We could have hung out many times. My intentions are to never hang out with them again. [Not all of them¿] I just don’t want to be hurtful in a confronting manner… But they have done this to me way too often themselves. 


    They try to teach me life lessons. That shit pisses me off so much, because in 10 years time they’ll still be fucking wandering themselves. It feels like an insult that they feel that I have to learn from them. I have more self-knowledge. Every time I ask them things about themselves, they say: “I don’t know.” USE THAT PHRASE ONCE, AND THE CONVERSATION IS OVER, TO ME? THINK!!!!! Why would I try explain myself in detail for that response every time… I dare you to write frequent diary posts? (Get to) know yourself! Want to do it here?

    This is diary is not my full-time occupation. This is just my hobby to fill my up my “free time” with. I’m working on my book and the rest of my business strategy, which are soon to be released. It’s an uncommon concept! What it’s about and what my business exactly does, you will see when it’s there.


    I want to work on my own projects… I want to write and do business!! I’m not running way again, though. I risk being jailed or monitored by psychiatrists for that. (If that ever happens again: committing suicide before they get the chance will cross my mind, because I see “how people have had my back before” [= S A R C A S M] and thus I’m powerless against them. My Cuddle, if this happens, please avenge my death, to still save the many people who are stuck in the system while they shouldn’t be!) [I’m not running away, but I would LOVEEEEE to get away… You too, my Graeyniss?]

    I seek mutual judgment…. I never enjoy a discussion. Unless it’s in court, to clear our names!

    Please know that when it comes to international strategy, I’ll have to know opposing views! The difference is that it’s to propose a solution everyone agrees with, instead of pointing out what the differences are.To anyone who considers to cooperate: know you will have to put in at least half as much work as I did. 

    Haha meoww I want to see my Graeynissis dance. I’ve never seen a Graeyniss dance? Ah meoow why aren’t there wild Graeyniss parties yet? Prrr. 




    Some people will be too proud to say that my writing is too complex for them and then still “interpret it”, stating that “I’m bad”. Their “followers” will do the same thing, because they also don’t understand it, but they do love being part of something! I pray our paths will never cross. I hope we can just live “together” as separate communities. In that way, you can hate all you want! Me too! We’d just be blessed with you not having to be afraid of my endeavors ever reaching you [if you believe that I’m bad, like I’ve said very often with many different words: fuck off. I’m trying to do good. If you don’t support me, the Goodniss is not for you. The cookie bar says it, too!] and my work will be closed off in the future, so you’ll never have to see me again! THAT’S WIN-WIN, RIGHT¿

    If you’re in for Project Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be together for all eternity! <3 

    14:46 (02:46 PM) 

    My Love <3

    I hope that me using caps lock often doesn’t make you think that I’m an aggressive person. 

    There where people start screaming at each other like wild animals, I tend to just end the conversation and rid myself of cropped up emotions differently. I write it out. [A punching bag would be nice, too!!] Trying to talk it out with others has this far always led to bad advice that includes the word “just”. “Just do this, an it will be over.” If it were that easy, it “just” wouldn’t have happend in the first place! 

    I want to focus on you and me more. The unjust judgment of others is such thought distortion to me. In the sense that, now that the people here believe that I’m crazy, they also believe that they “can read me better”. When I say: “I’m trying to do this,” they say: “No, you’re actually trying to do that.” There is nothing more fucking annoying in this world, to me. If. I. Were. Doing. That. I. Would. Have. Fucking. Said. It. 

    But anyway, I hope that somehow, I’ll not have these annoying people on my mind 24/7, thinking of how to convince them I’m not the bad person they’re trying to portray me as. I want to unite every single one of us! But all “human” beings as my audience might not be feasible, because some are just not open to see the good side of me, if they don’t accept my truth, I guess… [I say truth is subjective and there could be someone else with a similar form of truth. If this truth is not universal, a community with people who are like you is the most joyful one, I think. What’s the point of pointing out our differences all the time. I want us to be so loving, we’re basically One Cuddle! One entity!] 

    With these expressions of mine, I still risk having a turn-out of 0 when I launch my [this far, but hopefully one of many] life’s work. The launch will decide my fate, for there’s nothing else I enjoy in life anymore. It’s like so many people walk around with a blindfold, without ever even trying to take it off. What is the point of continuous nay-saying in a discussion? That stuff makes me feel so lonely… Yet literally everyone I’v met this far defends it. Who has taught you that? May I offer you an alternative? [Reference to what is previously mentioned.]

    I don’t want to be intimate with someone I can unnecessarily clash with. I need to be sure my heart is safe with you… The sensation of losing air and my entire body in pain, just from an exchange of words, is a sensation I never want to feel again. But for the past few years, that feeling has been CONTINUOUS :'[. I try my best not to engage in conversations that can lead to this sensation, but just the “Aww the mind is something you can’t know because you’re crazy” untrue beliefs of many can already trigger that sensation. I want to scream “AAAAAAUW” (Dutch for “ouch”) when I feel this sensation. But I try to never raise my voice, for I’m afraid of this unjustly leading to someone getting me stuck in a system I don’t want to be in. 

    Another thing that weighs on me is that I have very strong feelings for someone who has a family, and I do not want to come in between that. (While deep down I actually do. I want to wake up in your arms every day… I never have done that before! I just want to… But I was scared to say it. How dk you say “I’m in love with you” to someone who’s 25 years older than you? I miss you so :[. My B :'[.) 

    I consider myself a bisexual polyamorist [which I hope you are, tooooo!!!! <3], but my love feelings for this one person are so overpowered… They don’t fade. They can’t fade! I’d rather die, than grow old without him :[. (But I honestly don’t feel that comfortable with mentioning this to my Cuddle, because when you read this, I want you to feel that you’re my one and only… This has been on my mind for so much longer…)

    The feeling of love I feel for you is similar! For you as my Cuddle, I’m developing a new form of courtship, so that I can make you feel the love I feel for you, even from a distance! (Which I hope I’ll be able to bridge, one day. Hopefully the 30th!)

    *Extreme thought popping up:* Something that really has to die is the [WHAT. THE. FUCK?] “I’m bored. I’m now going to start an argument with someone OVER NOTHING.” WHY THE FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE THAT GET SO MUCH POSITIVE ATTENTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? ONCE THESE PEOPLE GET THE PRIMATE, WE’RE DOOOOOOOOMED. Let’s run to Planet Fang! [I think it’s a funny name for an island, hahahahaha…. Imagine this “serious news sentiment” of someone reading a message, and then saying “Planet Fang” XD. Haha (“…”) peaceeee, my Cuddle. (But stating self-defense could lead to a doubting reader, for that’s how some have been learnt to judge. “Waarom schiet je in de verdediging? Heb je wat te verbergen of zo?” What I want to say, but never say is: “Nee, lul. Ik probeer je iets uit te leggen, maar je bent te dom -.-“”)]

    As time passes by, I keep perfecting my writing. I should get to mathematics… The thought of my studies is such a headache. I would rather pay back my study financing right now and write an independent thesis [which is something I’ll do either way], than sign up for another year of study [and probably have to get a side-job again, because it might resume in FEBRUARY [IMAGINE ME DOING ROUTINOUS WORK 40HRS A WEEK AGAIN AT SOME COMPANY, UNTIL FEBRUARY :'(. I. AM. MY. OWN. BOSS. But I’m not allowed to spend too much time inside, by myself. [EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO. I HAVE WORK TO DO!] I NEEEED TO MOVEEEEE]]. Haha “Why does everything cost money?” :'[ 

    I thought of cancelling the hotel reservation, but, since there’s a chance that no one will engage in my projects (like before…), it might be one of my last times truly by myself. In comfort. This because my bank account will, then, become fully empty soon, and I’ll not be able to pay for “outside” anymore. JUST LIKE JANUARY 2017 – APRIL 20 FUCKING 18.

    16:53 (04:53 PM) 

    I’m still in bed. I wish we could cuddle. Some mistake me saying cuddle as a code for sex. I do NOT mean sex. This doesn’t mean that I do not want to have sex with you, but let’s take it slow? [See the formality? ;)] 

    I want to feel your heart beat through our embrace. I want to feel not lonely in my perception of how much the world has become a routinous machine. 

    What to eat for breaklunchnner? I haven’t eaten anything yet? May I playfully bite you…? I’m quite hungry. Haha meoow *blows on your stomach* nomnomnomnom. [I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable that I describe ways of me touching you… I’ve been wanting to do that for a looong time! I’m saying this, because in the touch of some, I feel it’s for their own arousal and not out of love. I want you to NEVER feel like that! I LOVE YOU!!!]

    I love playful neck bites, too, by the way ;]. Also, I want to one day, cuddle a body so tall that I could practically climb it. Tallniss is a great factor in making me feel safe [AND SOMETIMES IT’S THE OPPOSITE. I’LL HAVE TO GET UP AND ACT BUSY :D].

    *peace sign*


    17:20 (05:20 PM) 

    Earlier today, I received a message about my study financing that will be cut off, by the way. (Imagine if I had my own apartment…) This will make the release a bit harder… [Consider it my last attempt. I’m not going to fucking zombie the rest of my life, in some building, stating oneliners all day… Never. Again… ]

    Amical abstinence was the made up Cuddle term I was talking about, by the way. That’s The Cuddle!! 

    I actually feel too un-cuddle to study, maar “het zijn de laatste loodjes!!!!” ( x_x )

    I’ll be making unit 10 to 12 exercises, about Taylor polynomials and stuff (because those are one of the few topics I hadn’t seen in high school yet). And then tomorrow practice with old exams. 

    Haha I’m “that last-minute student”. But I did graduate from level gymnasium! (That’s where Greek and Latin are mandatory subjects, in the beginning… Für die Unterscheidung!!! Hahaha…. I kept only Latin, but I still κνο τή Γριικ αλφαβετ… It’s the Dutch survival of the fittest, those levels of middle and high school education… [Hear the similarity between the German “Unterscheidung” and Dutch “onderscheid”…])

    Also, for the pronunciation of Dutch: “ie” is pronounced as “ii”.

    18:14 (06:14 PM) 

    I think I’ll just quit my studies and try to pay back the deficit with book sales… I want to still fund project Nosce Te Ipsum with the book sales as well. I hope you won’t mind paying about $7.77 for an eBook? I also want to have paperbacks and limited edition hardcovers. The hardcovers might not exist yet on the 30th. 

    Ew, why does this system fucking exist… Why did I fucking fall for it… The policy… How can you do something like this to your indirect children? It could have been free, with ease, actually… How do you expect all of us to actually pay this back? I can’t even rent a proper apartment… This feels like a strange form of slavery. I know the lifetime total will be about €10.000,-. (IF I END MY MONTHLY FUCKING LOAN BEFORE OCTOBER. (€800 x 3 for Erasmus and €941 x 9 for the OU (unless the “travel expenses” [Ik krijg mijn studenten OV als maandbedrag. Dat is “gratis”.] are deducted)  FOR SOME OTHERS IT’S EVEN MORE!) [HAHA THAT’S BASICALLY LESS THAN MY FATHER’S MONTHLY SALARY SINCE 2012!!! WHY THE FUUUUCK DO YOU NOT GIVE ME AN ALLOWANCE?] What they’ll ask back now will probably be about €7.500,-. Haha I might go to goddamn jail for this. But I really am a full time student. I spend great parts of my study financing on my company, DIE NOG STEEDS IN HAAR FUCKING KINDERSCHOENEN STAAT… MAG DIT EEN “LEERBEDRIJF” ZIJN? The same went for my registered PR company [DE KINDERSCHOENEN]… Maybe the actual amount is less, though. I still haven’t opened the message! The mails say: “There’s a message for you about this and that in your government mailbox.” THE SUSPENSE!!!! 

    I can’t emigrate because of this. They can’t track you down when you’re abroad, and they damn sure want their money back :D. 

    19:26 (07:26 PM) 

    I think I’ll be able to pay back my student debt through my business. [AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY WITHOUT A DOUBT NEVER COME BACK!!!!] 

    I hope others will, too… They say: “Op de universiteit doe je niet veel werkervaring op. Dat wil je werkgever later misschien niet. Je kan beter een HBO student zijn.” HAHA HOE “WEET” JE DAT “NU AL”? WAT EEN ENG GELOOF!!!! HAHA DOEEEEEEIIII!!! 😀

    Deze werkgever on the other side of your screen just wants to see your Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate and Thesis  ;].

    I don’t want to be with these un-cuddles. Please buy me, my Graeyniss… 

    Haha I see the university has already signed me up for two courses. 

    This is the reason why I’m not submitting “HET BEWIJSSTUK”. The blue bar should reach the red line…

    With the “Running the Economy” module added, the amount of study hours per week was about 35! But that would be mental torture, for sure, actually… I wanted to do it to keep my study financing, but FUCK IT :D. 

    Haha if this were Facebook or something, so many of my messages would have been deleted already, because they’re “loud against the regime”… This feels like 1984 HAHA. 

    Will those people with trippy student debts owe the right to a mortgage? I intend to buy my self-designed house (on Planet Fang!) IN LEGALLY EARNED CASH :D. You too, right, my Cuddle? 


    20:33 (08:33 PM) 

    To make the fastest and most delicious “whiskey sauce”: put mayonaise and ketchup in een bakje and DO NOT ADD WHISKEY but brandy or cognac :D. I used “Rooster & Wolf”…

    The reason why I felt so mad about my sister choosing the side of my parents, is because, as soon as she hits 18, just like with me, they’ll let her financially BLEED TO DEATH, too. 

    At age 16, I was ordered to get a job, too. I worked at Albert Heijn, too. 

    Look at me now! 

    Haha who wants to be on the “schizophrenic” side of the spectrum, right? 

    I won’t beg anyone to choose my side. Do whate-ver you want. Save yourself. 

    Thoughts on travel bags as a proposed birthday present? [I was searching for a travel bag, for the suitcases I took to the US are worn out, now (tampered¿ the fuck… They “wore out” after coming back home).] It stings… I can’t go anywhere… I do not intend to be in this same situation on November 1st…. 

    [While I update down here, I sometimes also re-write pieces I’ve already written. If you refresh, you might want to check it out¿ Haha I’m addicted to it :D.]

    What to pack…? 

    I hope at the hotel, I’ll randomly catch some wild Graeynissis in the wild and be Cuddles forever… Know what I mean…? Λεγω? 

    Should I up my book price, by the way? There are so many SOCIETAL costs to cover, apart from self-expenses (I’m talking debt and basic needs). 



    And then they still preach like they’re fucking Ghandi or something. All they know is what the propagandist tells them in de FUCKING DUMB videos they watch. None of their arguments are actually arguments they have formulated themselves. They say they do good (because they have a job), but they don’t add value to this world. Of course, these people have the right to do whatever dumb shit they want to do. BUT STAY AWAY FROM MY PROJECT!  Unless your intentions are to truly do good… [I naturally detect this, sometimes. Without mentioning it. The numbers on un-cuddles surprise me… Is it national culture? They’re all soooo proud…. Answer: “OF WHAT? A NEW RECESSION?” They say: “In Nederland is alles altijd beter geregeld.” As if they dare to cross the border…]

    I’m not a nationalist. I’m not a non-nationalist. I mentioned this before. It’s just pieces of ground with people on them, who then associate their identity with the piece of ground. 

    The only way my identity is associated with the country I was born in [in the Netherlands. In Rotterdam], is because of the fucking immense ankle bracelet with financial debt I have. And how, if  I were to stay here and not do business [over my dead body], I’d have to survive as the fittest, compete within companies, to some fucking how [as a black person] be able to afford [OP ZN MINST] een vrijstaand huis. Anders hoef ik niet oud te worden. Je hebt hier bijna geen beweegruimte voor jezelf. It drives me crazyyyyy. 


    Haha by the way, when it comes to the practically non-existent amount of space in this country, I do understand the “Pleur op naar je eigen land.” There are more Surinamese people in the Netherlands, then there are Surinamese people in Surinam. Rotterdam has more citizens than all of Surinam. (Is what the numbers say?) It’s cool to study in the Netherlands – sort of [Project NTI is cooler :p] (the Surinamese university (singular…?) isn’t internationally acknowledged. They have to pay up for that. [I won’t be doing that with my project. I don’t want to be acknowledged by un-cuddles… (Or to pay up lol.) If the right people participate, that is enough acknowledgement, to me…] – but after that, you should have gone back to the country you were born in? [There’s sooooooooo much free space in Surinam. I heard that that was going to become “Israël” first, but then the plans changed…] Or elsewhere…? 

    The “Elia” family, they say, were way back, Jewish Portugese slave (plantation¿) owners. Their free slaves received their last name. (That was always with officially declared free slaves, I’ve heard.) I don’t remember the “timeline”, but the Netherlands owned Suriname last, before it became independent. Britain and Portugal were previous owners? Or did their citizens there just become indirect slaves, too? 

    I wasn’t there, so I’m not certain, haha. 

    Also, the Dutch slave trade and abolitionism are “NOT IMPORTANT” topics, these days. They’re in the school history books (distributed by THE GOVERNMENT), but they say: “Joh, die kan je overslaan.” We have literally not had a single test about this. What I know, is what I remember my grandfather and father teaching me. 

    “Privatized” doesn’t mean non-governmental….

    On the 17th of this month, I had about 881 readers. On the 18th, it were 1279. You’re awesome! 😀 <3

    The cookie law combined with the privacy law means that you’re allowed to see basic data of your audience (the cookie tracks), but that you’re not allowed to publish personal data of individuals. [I’m not allowed to publish: “Hey, I see *name* from *location*, who likes *interests*, has visited this website then and then.” I’m also not able to see that, but other organizations are able to do this. I haven’t invested much in data analysis, but you could for example see where your audience is located, for targeting reasons. That is the improvement that is spoken about. For, I can only see how many people visit, but not what their gender is, what their interests are, etc. I hope I can just (semi-)personally ask you that through my new book & project :].

    I know for sure I’m not the only one being haunted by ignorant people. Haha especially not after what they did to To Pimp A Caterpillar. 

    2Pac has a few songs I like. I have been studying music since age 9. Explain to me why he is not a legend because he got shot? Would T.P.A.C. (of which THE TITLE HAD TO BE CHANGED HAHA WHAAAAT¿) be better? 

    Ι ημ ήησιταντ υιτ ριτιν Κυδδλε… Ι υαντ το τελλ υου σομε ρεαλ σεκρετσ…. 



    01:48 (AM) 

    I love you 😀

    Good night, my Cuddle


    Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary

    Tuesday, September 18, 2018

    10:59 (AM)

    Good morning 😀

    Have you, my reader, thought of what path you’d like to follow? That of the Practitioner, that of the Illuminatus, or that of the Illuminatus Intelligens?

    I’ve been thinking of making my entire blog password protected and allowing real Cuddles to make an account for login. Then, and only then, for avoiding spam reasons, having a forum would be nice.

    Just the thought of judgmental snakes acting as if they don’t know this side of me [Because, yes, to avoid “feedback”, I don’t tell anyone about this. I do NOT want negative feedback on being able to express myself the way I do. If you don’t like it, then just NEVER look at this website!! Make one yourself!!!], but sometimes open my pages to laugh and criticize it, makes me want to move. I can see it in the eyes of some.

    Everyone here I haven’t met yet practically already knows my name and some very random personal things about me, but everyone acts “brand new”. Every time. You know that I have been “missing”, don’t you? If so, please tell me what lie you have been taught to hide? You know that’s illegal, right, if that has been told to you by the government? “Privacy”, if everyone has already seen something they’re not supposed to see, doesn’t mean that you should not tell me what everyone has been told. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW TOOOO!!!! I’m the fucking only one who doesn’t know, because the laws of privacy are misunderstood by so many…. “Privacy” means that you shouldn’t have known in the first place. It didn’t have to be “mass-deleted”, now that everyone already knew. My side of the story was never heard. The fabrication was stated as a fact. The message didn’t say that I didn’t want to be found, I didn’t want to be interrogated and I begged to not be sent home. When they asked me who I did want to see, I said “Benoît”. We had made arrangements to meet up again, a few weeks earlier, but my parents didn’t allow me to go. I was devastated from that (because I am in love with him). We are/were just friends, though… 

    The cops still called my parents to come and pick me up. This was against my wishes. They had already put me in an isolation cell, to allow me to sleep a little, but while trying to sleep, several interrogarors have walked in and out on me (plus I was too tall to sleep in the cell). I hadn’t slept and had a proper meal in 3 days. I was found by cops from a different city and driven to the police station in my neighborhood, in the afternoon. I got home very late in the evening. 

    Even people who I only know from “facial recognition”, suddenly started their conversations with: “I know you’ve had a hard time, mentally…” 


    If you only knew how this has negatively influenced our future! Yes, ours, for I’m one of the few people who doesn’t work for the money, but for the accomplishments. I’m trying to make a change!

    Cuddle me :[ (only if you’re Cuddle…)

    Here’s an analog test to see if you’re Cuddle

    1. When you’re reading this website, are you looking for verification or falsfication?
    2. Is your “soft side” and need for mutual love greater than you show others, due to a difference in character, sometimes?
    3. Would you like to become one of my new close friends and engage in my projects?

    If your answers are “verification” (because in my friendships I seek mutual judgment), “yes” [I describe a “deficit of love”] and “yes :D”, you’re Cuddle!

    I’m thinking of making a new selection of my pictures from Paris. I have better ones… I have decided to just block everyone who is unnecessary corrective about my material, out of my life :D. It will just be you and me, my Cuddle… 

    Haha toch maar geen cardigan voor mn logo? :p

    The purple and grey resemble us <3

    Shout out to the 881 people reading my post of yesterday <3. Haha I see how much the average didn’t represent my actual traffic.

    I might not get to changing my album, for I have a lot of mathematics to do, still… I got to unit 3 yesterday…

    13:35 (01:35 PM)

    00:17 (AM)  I received two messages from the government. I have to pay back a part of my study financing…

    I still want to graduate in (OR BEFORE) 2021.

    Dus wat wanneer er zo veel mensen hun studieschuld moeten terugbetalen en ze dit gedaan moeten hebben om het recht mogen hebben te emigreren (voor “””””””de tweede watersnoodramp”””””””””””””” [Hoe veel ” teveel? Lees gewoon niet als je je irriteert aan mijn interpunctie. Ik zeg “tweede” maar eigenlijk, als je naar de lange termijn kijkt, is het “de zoveelste”])?

    Ik. Wil. Graag. Verhuizen. Naar. Een. Land. Dat. De. Beginnende. Jonge. Onderneemster/Ondernemer (“man eerst?”). Beter. Beschermt.

    Ik heb geen recht op research subsidies? Ik doe onafhankelijk onderzoek…

    Soms worden mensen opgesloten omdat ze boetes hebben.

    I’m scared to see how “high the deficit is”.

    13:50 (01:50 PM)

    While listening to the 11th Sky, I’ll be making mathematics exercises *peace sign*. Enjoy the rest of your time while I sometimes leave a message for you on :]. I post updates ve-ry frequently.

    14:03 (02:03 PM)

    I still had to turn on my laptop etc to look for the exercise files.

    14 year old me?

    Should I get a perm and clip-ins a g a i n¿

    But then get more loose curls?

    Instead of a wig? Or sometimes wear a wig? Sometimes not even wear clip-ins? The perm…?

    I felt more comfortable about the way I looked, then…

    But I do not have money for that :D.

    Ik moet mijn schuld terugbetalen. Dat betekent sparen :D. Het is ook eens “bijna December!” En bijna Sinterklaas! En dan die “eind van het jaar rekening” en kutweer :D. Nog meer sparen (+ inflatie)? 


    14:44 (02:44 PM)

    With what I earn from my book, I would like to fund and be part of a Council. The council puts plans against societal problems into practice, such as ways to end famine. I have made designs for benefit boxes you could purchase as a gift (for someone else of your choice [charity? Give it away to someone else in a different country who lives in an area where there’s less access to basic needs. Track your package!!!! [I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS. TO SHOW YOU I WILL NOT SPEND IT ON MYSELF. FUCK EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO CLAIM THAT I AM A BAD PERSON. (IF YOU’RE HERE TO DO THAT: DO NOT COMPARE ME TO YOURSELF. IK BEN NIET VAN PLAN VOOR DE REST VAN MIJN LEVEN MIJN VRIJE TIJD “VOOR DE TV” TE SPENDEREN. DA’S FUCKING NUTTELOOS! Ik onderneem liever graag echte stappen, in plaats van er alleen maar over te praten. Mensen lullen zoooo veeeeeeel, maar doen heeeeeelemaal NIKS.)] I’m definitely getting my Council members one (safety¿)] and/or for yourself)).

    There’s an election for positions within this council during The Benefit. You can run for council member by signing up. Stay tuned :D.

    16:41 (04:41 PM)

    Everyone who PARTICIPATES gets a lifetime seat in the D.O.C.I.S. International Council.

    Practitioners are think tank members and Nosce Te Ipsum participants.

    Illuminati [do not mistake me for some stigmatized image [then really please just don’t read my “blog”]. I chose this name as a derivation of the Latin words for “having been illuminated” etc.] are people who, through participation in Nosce Te Ipsum become think tank members and, by writing a thesis from this project, become specialist strategists for D.O.C.I.S. International, in a field of their preference. [Law? Economics? Linguistics? The list goes on…]

    Illuminati Intelligentes are participants in project Nosce Te Ipsum and specialist strategists in all fields, because throughout the project, they write a thesis on all fields in which D.O.C.I.S. International intends to operate. 

    The Council does not affect the lives of those who don’t want to cooperate with D.O.C.I.S. International, due to differing viewpoints. It is fully independent. 

    Is there a weather station that influences the weather? What are all the building sized “fans” throughout this country for, exactly? Warme lucht stijgt…

    18:13 (06:13 PM) 

    What do you think of my new Paris album?

    Haha no comments ;]. I hope you’ll sign up, my Cuddle! Now back to mathematics… 

    Haha remember this? 

    I deleted that one too. It had 5 songs. Now this is all that is visible. Hopefully one day I’ll upload a new version with better (voice) audio.

    I learnt a different notation method in high school¿

    19:13 (07:13 PM) 

    Only long red peppers as a change-up of what I made yesterday. I also added some white wine.

    19:47 (07:47 PM)

    I need to do the dishes? I need to move, mann. By cooking for 1 (or 2, my cuddle…¿) there’s a lot less dirty dishes that mostly aren’t even mine. This used to make me wish I was born into a white family sometimes. There it’s often just: “Je hebt toetsen. Kopje thee?” 

    Of course this isn’t exactly a racial issue. 

    But another reason for me wanting to be white, when I was younger, was to not hear: “HEEY JE LIJKT EEN BEETJE OP ZWARTE PIET!” 

    The Surinamese generational anecdote is [some say]: “From a young age, you should learn how to do the houskeeping. Then, when you’re an adult, you’ll know how to do it.” I used to iron A LOTTTTT when I was 10! It’s nice to have children, then, when you’re an adult! I am not really working towards having children and being that type of parent (ever…?).

    Heeeey tomorrow is Prinsjesdag! I’ll be tuning in, for sure! You too!??? [Haha I’ll be studying ;). But I wonder what next year’s national financial plans are / prediction is…]

    What’s more intensive: making mathematics exercises all day, or being in a building all day, doing things you have been doing for decades, while just randomly walking to people’s desks to talk about random shit [I do not enjoy small talk]? 

    I’ll of course not say no. Even though I really want to. I’ll move. Just wait :]. [Haha financieel aan de grond gehouden worden omdat men je niet kwijt wil? Maar ik wil weg??]

    00:22 (AM) 

    Units 10 to 12 left for tomorrow. I’ll have to start packing… What to pack…? [Haha saaave meeeeeeee. I would pack so differently if you would…]

    My Cuddle, I’ll elaborate on a solution to a very naggy social problem of mine. Please keep an eye out for that.

    I live for you

    Is Cuddle for “I love you”

    Good night, MY CUDDLE


    [My Nintendo Switch suddenly doesn’t connect to the internet, while the password is saved… I remember, when I was younger, certain web addresses being blocked, such as that of MSN, for coming home “late”…. (But doesn’t a measure like that make me want to get the fuck out of here even more?) I just wanted to relax a little, before going to bed, since I’ve been doing Maths all fucking day…]

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Monday, September 17, 2018

    09:55 (AM) 

    Good morning, My Cuddle <3

    How was your night? 

    Here’s my “breakfast smoothie”:

    In it, there are: raspberries, blueberries, some mango, red grapes, some bananas and water. (To add strawberries and some watermelon too would be nice.)

    12:07 (AM) 

    A random picture of yesterday

    Ik heb geen tijd om op te ruimen…

    Today, I’ll be making hand-picked exercises of unit 1 to 4. 

    That’s spread over two books haha. 

    12:52 (PM) 

    Wanneer is binnenkort? DE APP CRASHT STEEDS WANNEER IK HEM OPEN. HOE STEL IK GOOGLE DIE VRAAG? Nadat ik de app naar de fabrieksinstellingen had teruggezet deed hij het heel even, maar nu doet hij helemaal niks meer… 

    I want to ask Strato a question. Because of this:

    This is where the link I recently received redirected me to?

    But the type of question I want to ask is not in the options of questions… 

    Na vier keer proberen kon ik mijn nieuwe wachtwoord invoeren. Toen werd ik ge redirect naar dit scherm. 

    Hij doet het nog steeds niet -.-” 

    Ik typ mijn wachtwoord gewoon goed in? Het algoritme… 

    I just made a Twitter account. I think I’ll be judged for the people I follow. 

    13:45 (01:45 PM) 


    Haha I see you :].

    “Thank you for keeping up with me. <3”

    I plan on keeping September 30th very intimate… 

    If you’re Cuddle this far, you’ll be able to decipher how I’ve planned the release ;].

    14:05 (02:05 PM) 

    What to make for dinner later? I want to make mac & cheese, with goooood cheese. I’ll have to go grocery shopping either way. I don’t know any “cheese stores” here… 

    Your thoughts on my cookie bar¿

    You should boil it until they start to lose texture a little bit… I was just that hungry… 😀

    I used tayer, potatoes, palm oil, “Cameroon pepper”, a tomato, five spices and no salt… But that’s just my preference, in this case…

    Grocery list: (I’ll just use buy pre-grained cheese (Gouda [= city name]) & Parmesan(a?) at the grocery store… (Open until like 20:00? Shops like cheese stores close waay earlier.))

    * Kazen

    * Courgette

    I wonder what parmesan from Parmesana tastes like… 

    16:09 (04:09 PM) 

    For some reason I feel like deleting all of my other social media, except Twitter…? 

    16:35 (04:35 PM) 

    2842 sessions within these 17 September days, means that about 168 people (since you can’t have 0.176 (= about 17.6% of a) person looking at Cuddleniss) are actively following me on a day. (But of course there will have been a peak in sessions when I did the Facebook marketing, “so there are outliers”…)

    Many Cuddles for people who enjoy reading my website 😀 <3

    17:13 (05:13 PM) 

    My mother called me to tell me she’s in the supermarket and asked if I needed some things. I named them and then had to text them to her :’].

    18:07 (06:07 PM) 

    I wonder if the slightly renewed homepage will lead to a battle…

    But at least, now the “neo nazi” bullshit is out the way :]. Boy, some people are really fucking stupid, aren’t they?  :]

    Will you back me up if this happens, my Cuddle? Because I’m not allowed to think or speak about Benoît Crutzen…

    It’s funny, isn’t it? 😉

    I remember BEING LAUGHED AT FOR THIS [me wanting to see him so bad] E-VE-RY CONVERSATION… 

    If you want to prove that “you’re right” once and for all, tell me what happend and where he is right now. If you’re right, he would say:

    (Scroll to 05:00:)

    “Nooit gezien” = “Never seen” (him/her) 

    Not that he would speak Dutch necessarily… I might, if I’m not able to control my feelings of Cuddleniss. Haha meoww…..

    Grrr I can’t stand when you hear snakes (I’m talking about people) laugh about other people’s misery… 

    Is that cultural? 

    Only in a Dutch commercial, you’ll see a man grab the price tag of his wife’s dress, and then say: “What a nice dress!” 

    As a joke… 

    Is that right, or not? [That sense of humor actually disgusts me, but so many people find it actually funny – otherwise so many “jokes” like that wouldn’t exist – I just laugh along… Defending myself would be as pointless as explaining why “Zwarte Piet” should not exist… (Even though it’s not all of the community finding it offensive,  it’s still a part of the community…) Instead of wasting my time arguing, I’ll just move. I have ma-ny more reasons for wanting to do this, as you can read throughout my posts. (“Haha” and then they say: “Die zwarten moeten van onze traditie af blijven!” Wees er maar trots op… They can keep their tradition. Hands off my project, for some types of philosophy can’t become part of the U.S.H.R., if they aren’t well defended.)]

    19:15 (07:15 PM) 

    Tomatoes, courgette, an union, creme fraîche, five spices, oregano & a lottt of grained Gouda (old) and Parmesan

    I’m done eating already :D. Ready for round 2…

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Recipes

    Sunday, September 16, 2018

    11:18 (AM) 

    My Cuddleeeee <3

    Goede bijna middag 😀

    How’s your weekend? 

    If you’re new to Welcome, new Cuddle! <3 Thank you for your engagement <33

    Yesterday, an impulse made me do some pre-marketing. I hope this will help increase web-traffic when the official release date is. (Because then, I’ll do it again. It will then, for some, not be the first time you come across a personal ad.)

    I’m showing you my drafts and process, for the things we can learn from them. 

    The emptiness of my stomach woke me up this morning. I later fell asleep again. I want to eat something tasty, with true nutritional value. The shops in my neighborhood are closed today, because this is “a Christian neighborhood” [I am not a Christian, but I do sympathize with the basic aspects of showing and perceiving love that is “part of religion” (in general)].

    I decided on going to Erasmus today, to work on my statistics assignment. Hopefully, afterwards, I’ll be able to write some. [They say: “Don’t give away your location.”….. But it’s only to my Cuddle?]

    I still need to eat something… The internet says the university food court is open¿ But I won’t make it there if I don’t eat something before I start cycling… 

    12:27 (PM) 

    I’m searching for better conversationalists in my daily life… People ask me to hang out via text, but for me to say yes to this without regret [and then actually do it ;)], the conversation in which this person proposes to hang out, should at least be half as interesting… I mean, what are we actually talking about? Is the conversation helping us forward? Mostly it’s just me asking questions I actually already know their answer to. With most people who are not that interested in finding their purpose and doing good, I would rather not interact with at all. I’ll be thinking about the future of my projects while they try to discuss what was[¿¿¿ how’s that interesting?] on tv, with me. Ugh and then there’s the dudes asking me for pictures and shit -.-”

    Save me, my Graeyniss <3 :[. Please make a power move on me, hehe. 

    I want to make music with you and write together and discuss our futures and talk about our roles in the project and do business together and cuddleeee <3

    Just left the shower :D. 

    I’ll make myself some pourridge… I don’t know what else I should eat? 

    13:39 (01:39 PM) 

    Haha mid-eating

    I used corn flour (the sandy texture type), a sack of vanilla sugar, a teaspoon with normal sugar, raisins, vanilla essence, almond essence and a tiny bit of butter. 

    Haha I wonder how large the “I prefer to use a different web browser” audience is. Be my Cuddle 😀 <3

    I’ve been FB marketing in Zuid-Holland, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Milan, Los Angeles, New York, Washington, São Paulo, Paramaribo, Toronto and Miami :]. “Twenty euros well spent¿”

    16:45 (04:45 PM) 

    I already finished the rest of my assignment, played some more zombies @ Pixel Action Heroes and ate “fried egg with nothing” (melt butter in pan, add egg + salt (and random spices)). After doubting whether I should take a jacket with me or not (I’m not), I am now going to “air up” my tyres and start cyclingg.  

    I just found out that I’m allowed to drive a tractor? Haha. 

    Before I left, I also unsubscribed my grandfather from the Vara gids. 

    17:41 (05:41 PM) 

    Some things I can’t share here anymore due to the “reefer madness” level of reasoning of some parties in my “close social environment”. 

    18:23 (06:23 PM) 

    There was a folder with the old Nosce Te Ipsum episode on my computer? Grrrrrrrr

    The new one I still have though haha

    Protect my external hard drive? 

    There to the right is a video of me throwing away the stack of aripiprazol* before going to the counter to print my boarding pass etc

    My desktop :p

    Is het een “s t r a a t v e r b o d”?? [Does that exist in every country?]

    Has anyone seen my B?  :[

    Haha even serieus¿¿

    Een samenvatting van wat ik weet is [what multiple people have told me]:

    “Je hebt je moeder heel erg aan het huilen gemaakt. We hebben allemaal een bericht van een Facebookpagina gedeeld (????????) [heeft er iemand een screenshot? Ik heb het nooit gezien]. Het ging echt viral haha oh my god. Toen jij gezocht werd, werd Benoît ook gezocht.”

    ANDERE DETAILS WAREN AL VERGETEN, IS MIJ VERTELD :D. EN DAN WORDT HET RAAR GEVONDEN DAT IK ER NOG AAN DENK? IK HAD EEN PUBLIC RELATIONS BEDRIJF. But now I know: “To make it, I don’t have to make it here.” [I JUST MADE THAT UP.] Haha just go international from the start :D. 

    He is/was [will I ever see him again¿] my only outspoken cooperative Graeyniss this far, in the physical realm… Without this project succeeding, I’ll be in biiig trouble when it comes to getting out of student debt while living a life I want to live. 

    But without my B, I’ll never be able to fully succeed :[. I have the strategy, he has a better network than I have… Plus, he’s so Cuddle :D. 

    Haha is this “different in a random way” for putting this on Facebook? 


    As in my audience is anonymous? 

    Let’s do something¿

    Ah meoow but that’s why I’m writing this book. I always make the first move -.-”

    Surprise me by making the first move :D. That would make me so happy… 

    In any other case, I’ll be writing for mass engagement 😀

    19:53 (07:53 PM) 

    Κην υου ριεδ Κυδδλε? 😀 <3


    Κην υου???

    I voted “Yes” :D. You can already vote, if you like… 

    The second option will become “No”, when I get home. I made this poll on my phone, and on that I can’t seem to be able to change the answer text for the radio buttons. 

    20:05 (08:05 PM) 

    I already finished the parts of writing I wanted to do here today. Yay :D. It’s more fun when it’s done :D. Then we can Cuddleee…

    * Their test format, with reference to the previous picture, was….

    Okay, look…

    When you’re near me, you can sometimes clearly see my skull move. And I said: “Every time you see my skull move, I hear his voice. That is something I like [a lotttttttt].” I said that “in confidence”. That back-fired big time. 

    Their “research format” (*”barf”*) was: 

    “Do you hear voice?” 

    • Yes = pills
    • No = no pills

      “In the beginning”, after my sister, parents and I came back from the EHBO and all of a sudden there were two “psychiatrists” in my bedroom, I didn’t talk. I don’t remember the first time I took their medication, but after I was found after having been missing, at least twice a week there were “doctors” in my house. I told them I didn’t want their “help” and denied their medication. I kept denying that I heard a voice, even though I hear one through the movement of my skull [You can seriously feel it… But calling me crazy would be “the easy way out”]. 

      After a few MONTHS and their frequent visits, I decided to change my script, hoping that they would then fucking stop wanting to talk to me and call me crazy. This one “psychiatrist on nurse level” (“VERPLEEGKUNDIGE”) said: “Yes, you can really trust me. I will not consider it impossible and base my diagnosis on that.” 

      AND THEN SHE DID :D. “Brain-to-brain communication is not real”, they say… 

      [BUT I CAN PROVE IT!! If ANYONE would let me. Just for one hug from him?]

      I then started with fluanxol. The muscle stiffness was ve-ry heavy on me. 

      While on medication [haldol, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes.” (Ik kreeg een “kaakklem”. That is where you lose control of your jaw and tongue muscles and can’t stop sticking out your tongue and showing your teeth, to pull them back in and do the same thing again. Uncontrollable. They gave me an antidote?)

      New type of medication [risperidon, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes. Also, I WANT TO DIE.” [In Erasmus Medisch Centrum, I tried to kill myself. (But they take away sharp things etc… As you can see, I didn’t succeed.) But many patients there HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.] 

      New type of medication, because the two-week meds test trial ended: 

      Off medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.]  “We still want you to take medication for at least a year, since “you are a schizophrenic”.”

      Very fakely on medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.] “Great! Now you only have to do a blood test [but apparently this was going to be a frequent thing] and visit us once a week.” If I didn’t, they would start a court case against me. The first blood test, I took an overdose the day before (and lied to the “”friend” of my parents who was their messenger, asking me shit when I broke contact with them” about taking them D A I L Y like I was ORDERED TO) 

      21:07 (09:07 PM) 

      I just came back home. Haha my entire personal life is public :D. I like transparency. The Dutch / they say: “Don’t tell anyone personal things. You might be assassinated for it.” 

      You knew I was at the university¿

      Haha it was Cuddle :D. 

      I might finish my heartache story after “dinner”. This was in the old Nosce Te Ipsum. Should I include it?? 😀 Should I include them both?? 😀 Episode 1 and 2, previously deleted… 

      I’ll check my external hard drive!! 

      I’ll allow (haters) + people who understand my writing to propose corrections and then allow my hand-picked Cuddles to accept or decline them AND PUBLISH THEM WITH COMMENTS???. I don’t let my book be proofread. (Because of slow reading for misplaced commas and other nonsense and wanting to be Cuddles fast + it’s my book so if you want to write, write your own book :D.)

      I wonder what my web-traffic increase is 😀

      I made this in the Erasmus hospital. It was a “creativity assignment”. (THE HUMILIATION.)

      It says:

      1. Getting the fuck out of here. (Before Christmas. All of us.)
      2. (Contributing to) eternal peace
      3. Moving to a different country

        In Cuddle :D. 

        22:46 (10:46 PM) 

        My battery is going to die. I’ll be playing Pixel Action Heroes in my bed. 

        I love you, my Cuddle

        Good night


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        Saturday, September 15, 2018

        12:43 (AM) 

        My Sweetniss <3

        I’m trying to bridge the gap between my “web-traffic life” and “my existence ft. sapiens”. In “my existence ft sapiens” most people do not know that I am Lil Fangs. In my web traffic life, my audience is practically anonymous. I can see the web traffic increase every day [THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! <3], but I can’t see who my visitors are. 

        I made a Facebook page? I doubt if the engagement I will receive there will be large, but why not give it a shot, right?

        Could you please help me make this page a little less awkward? 😀

        From my 490 “friends” [I had “more”, before….], I have 2 likes this far :D. I wonder if I’ll ever reach “friend-of-a-friend”-level through likes and shares… (This is how you learn who your friends are. I already knew how painful this was going to be when I started to make it…) 

        Hahahaha ohh let’s see if I can still find the posts that Facebook declined… 

        Nope :D. 

        I wrote this entire piece about how I want to use that page as an “audience filter”.

        I said that I think FB has two types of audience. The type that lives for shallow gossip and the “Well, if you want it that bad. Giving in is less dreadful than trying to explain my opinion to you”-type. And that I do not want shallow people to engage in my projects AHAHAHAHA it feels so random to write that on a business page!!!! 

        I can now see that 18 people have looked at the post, and one person engaged in it. Shout out to you, my Cuddle! 

        As I knew, way way waaaay back, I will have to sponsor my content to get it liked :D. My ad is now “under review”.

        Ah meow, I need to work on this assignment

        And then get back to writing the new episode hehehehehehe :D. 

        ~ Intermezzo of yesterday’s unposted images ~


        Still haven’t had time to read itt. I wanted to show you this :]. It was my grandfather’s


        Haha the drunk and high me had fun yesterday. 

        14:35 (02:35 PM) 

        Haha “statistics”….

        I still need to eat. I want to brush my teeth (and shower) before I do, so I was waiting until the shower was free :]. (Is that something you have ever done, too?)

        Haha by supporting me, you show thay you’re not left-wing or right-wing. You’re also not in between. You’re above! We’re above :D. 

        16:24 (04:24 PM) 

        Haha you must be surprised, my Graeyniss? My writing is better than “that”…

        17:11 (05:11 PM) 

        Haha okay I’ll use today to relax some more, for my body needs this. I write Nosce Te Ipsum for relaxation¿

        Writing is fun, I think, but when I do it for too many hours in a day, the position I write or type in becomes a bit annoying. I don’t think our bodies are made for sitting and laying down for most parts of the day. 

        19:33 (07:33 PM) 

        Haha meow¿

        Haha people find this funny?

        I haven’t had dinner in three days… I have this option of eating this now three days old vegetarian takeout roti, but that was the reason I preferred not to eat in the first place… It’s not the roti that makes me do this, it’s the takeout aspect… 

        I find it “funny” how as soon as there’s some bad rumor spread about me, sooo many people engage in spreading the word, but my “better news” post has 1 like from my “personal circle” x_x. I really wonder what they wrote about me, when I was “missing”. They were all making me feel so shitty for saying that I have made them “sooooo worried”. Someone has told them to take their shared message off the internet? Who? To this day, I still don’t know what has actually happend… But I’m afraid I’ll lose it if they start about how they too believe that I’m crazy etc AGAIN, so here I am, pondering… 

        Blog, Images, Media, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Videos

        Friday, September 14, 2018


        11:13 (AM) 

        Good morning, my Cuddle <3

        I hope you’re just as pre-excited for the Nosce Te Ipsum release as I am :]. I like how I’ve extended the quest and (engagement) information about my (business) projects. 

        I’ve been putting a lot of thought into agreeing with paying half of the £2.928,- tuition fee and my father paying the other half… That would be the entire “uitzet” I’ve been saving up for… I’d rather die than go back to sitting behind a desk most of my time, doing routinous work that is so easy for me I become so bored so fast, and the level of conversation being on that same level… I want to make my living by using my creative talents, so school was more for “you need to get out of the house and have something to do” and “in case my success is limited” reasons… 

        I still need to print new business cards… And I’d like to do a professional photoshoot… And make new logos (my Cuddle)…………… (Or at least, I’d like to have the designs I could draw on paper for you, as my logos… I’m not so good at “finding the balance between dpi, background transparency and retina”…)

        But making this known to the person paying the other half could have very negative consequences… (I’m aware of them reading these words too and then not saying anything about it, though.) Please be aware of how this can disrupt what I’ve been creating for you. They unfortunately have more authority over me, in this case… [Do not make children if you do not intend to pay for the basic funding of their future, please………. I didn’t sign up for this? They signed me up…. (If it was planned, says November… As a relationship gift……??? (Is what I have been told…)) Yepp my 22nd birthday is on November 1st. I hope I can celebrate this with my Cuddles :D.]

        I guess, by declining the rest of my study, I’ll HAVE TO move, to prevent myself from being taken into an institution again… 

        If I invest in a place to stay, that must be a place I intend to stay at for longer than a year. I want to, before the island Planet Fang [you’re moving, too, right??] comes into existence, live somewhere in California. 

        Part of me has become so tired of chilling inside and similar chillings in public places… Sometimes I think “let’s get it over with” and blurt out my heartache for still not recently having seen Benoît like I want to. [See what I did there? ;)] That would set in motion a chain reaction of legal and medical measures I do not want, but don’t have the authority to say no to. It’s financially and audience related strategically more advantageous… 

        I haven’t seen him since the last time we hung out in his office, talking about some of my business plans and other stuff. (I have proof of this.) We planned to hang out another time, but by that time I was stuck in the psychiatric system, for “the experts” say I have never seen him; I am a dropout (again¿), so he wouldn’t want to hang out with me; this has nothing to do with brain-to-brain communication, were one of the lies of my beliefs I had to tell them to get out. What I’ve often said in rage, was: WELL, IF YOU’RE SO SURE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST INVITE HIM OVER???? OR ALLOW ME TO INVITE HIM OVER? THIS IS NOT PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH. THIS IS GUESSWORK!!! I DON’T THINK HE WOULD MIND, ESPECIALLY NOT IF HE WOULD BE INFORMED ABOUT ME HAVING TO TAKE LORAZEPAM, FLUANXOL, HALDOL, RISPERIDON, ARIPIPRAZOL ET CETERA FOR TELLING MY PARENTS THAT I INTEND TO SPEND SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE TIME WITH HIM. HEY WAAROM ZO HARDNEKKIG? HET IS TOCH NIET ZO ERG DAT IK MET HEM WIL SAMENWERKEN?? 

        Oh my god, every conversation they would ask me questions about him and then say: “I don’t understand why you believe this all happend. You’re clearly mentally ill and you should accept our diagnosis.” (I FUCKING NEVER DID. I ONLY TOOK THOSE MEDS I AM SOOOO INTOLERANT OF (at some point I started to fake it) BECAUSE ONLY UNDER THAT CONDITION THEY WOULD LET ME OUT OF THE INSTITUTION I WAS IN “ON A VOLUNTARY BASIS”. I WAS TOO BROKE THEN TO LEGALLY POINT OUT THAT WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING IS SO AGAINST THE LAW. (This started IN APRIL 2017.) 


        He lend me the books A Curious Mind and Economix (in French). I’d shown them this. [WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BUY A BOOK IN FRENCH????? They didn’t believe it was his…] I returned them around February 2018, hoping to find him in his office, but he wasn’t there and I felt so awkward about being in that hallway that I left them in his mailbox, together with a print-out of a part of the Nosce Te Ipsum strategy, with the contract… This is so random, but we used to mail back and forth and hang out, and suddenly he’s not responding to my e-mails anymore? :[ 

        Ah grrr, it would be so satisfying to show these un-cuddle flehs that he really is my Cuddle (in terms of being friends/acquaintances)….

        I could “blow up” the court case that could thrive if they find that I’m crossing the line again and use that TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY and kick-start my career (was what was my intention the last time I went to the US). 

        My first words will be: “I WILL NOT BE SPEAKING TO ANYONE WITHOUT MY LAWYER.” [My Cuddle…? ;)] I will do most of the defending myself. Ah prr having this one Cuddle who managed to complete his Law study in my lucky number amount of years, who could then also say “FUCK THAT” to being stuck in some very shady sounding system and being way too close to the fire (of water and many small roads), because what are escape plans if you’d be framed, as my lawyer would be soooo Cuddle!! <3 

        Did you know I collect Tallnissis? They’re so hard to find… I’m 174 cm = 5 feet & 8.5 inches. That’s one of the many reasons why I need my B, too :[. Hehe I want to feel all wrapped in love and safety when we cuddle. 

        I want to see my medical record, before I let the lies be wiped out, but I guess, since the psychiatric staff of “het Erasmus Medisch Centrum” and Bavo Europoort [“and the trans-culturele therapie van Glenn Helberg”, IF THEY DON’T TAKE MY PARENTS OUT OF MY FILES RIGHT THIS INSTANT] (FUCK ALL OF THEM [dit gaat via zoekwoorden, toch? ;)] ) DON’T EVEN WANT TO SHOW ME WHAT THEY’VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ME [they tell me “we’re too busy”, while I’ve literally seen staff members PLAY FUCKING RUNESCAPE…], I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO DO THAT????? Since, according to the Patriot Act, the U.S. government is allowed to view Dutch medical records…… [BUT I HAVE SOME OF THEIR SUMMARIES HERE, PRINTED OUT WITH NAMES AND ALL ;).]



        Don’t forget the “You have only met him in private twice. You can’t possibly have real feelings for him.” I STILL WANT TO FUCKING FANG THAT PERSON. I’m now afraid of saying it :[.

        My Cuddle, I’m afraid my case is so dangerous to a very fraudulent regime, I need many forms of protection. I need a small army of hackers to defend my online capital, for starters… 

        [Notice the build-up in the coming release of Nosce Te Ipsum and what I tell you in my diary? This is more than planned. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, my Cuddle…]

        An awkward “classic”:

        17:27 (05:27 PM) 

        Zzzzz spierpijn?

        I just put my semi-selfmade croissants in the oven. That will be my first food of the day.

        Because the question started with: “Are you okay? You’re in bed all day. You probably don’t want to go, but…” I’m going to my cousin’s singing performance in a cocktail bar tonight. It’s also to safeguard my state of mental sanity, because last time shit went wrong, in the sense that my mother(?) found that I was going crazy for being less outgoing, she started with pointing out everything “weird about me” as well. She is not able to understand my writing, SO FUCK IT :D. HER “ENCOURAGING WORDS” WERE “I HOPE YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOUR WRITING”. I GUESS 1000+ HITS A DAY MEANS I DID? SORRY DAT IK HAAR GELOOFDE, PA :D. SCHEID EN VERHUIS MEE¿ I think my business will reach its multi-component state before yours will…? 

        I’m completely left in the dark when it comes to knowing who to trust based on their role relating to what side of the regime they support. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who will not hurt me. So I stay in bed :D. Until I find my Cuddles in real life… 

        My top-level Graeynissis. You know how some people act all ambitious around you, right? They want the status. They lack passion. The market for my products is so fucking miniscule, when it comes to people of my age….. The only people I easily meet these days are people of my age… The only people I generally don’t have a-ny-thing in common with are people of my age… And from my looks I will be marked as “wild cuddle cat”, so we’re prohibited to/from(?) cuddle/cuddling :[.

        So let’s just be Cuddles, right, my Graeyniss? Fuck it :D. Life is too short to be caged in!! Don’t be scared, my Cuddlebird! You’ll be safe! You’re the reason why I’m doing it this way. Our mission for world peace can’t be sabotaged, because the not digitally distributed underlying strategy that I have indirectly been telling you through these posts, will not be understood through these posts by people with bad intentions for us, because digging for shit here is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack :D. 

        19:39 (07:39 PM) 

        Muscle stiffness, possible sudden death (my “mandatorily made” choice from a list) and other shit from medication?

        Not anymore :D. April 2018 I ran away, because I had to do a mandatory blood test. The day after I was supposed to do the test, I ran off to Paris. The day after I came back from Paris (April 27, Koningsdag), with my sister and parents I went to Suriname for three weeks. Two days after being back, I ran off to the United States and FINANCIALLY managed to live there for two weeks :D… (ONLY THERE THE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO “UNNOTICED” BEING TAKEN IN FOR RUNNING AWAY AND NOT TAKING MEDICATION IF YOU HAVE BEEN LABELED AS “MENTALLY ILL”, BECAUSE OF CLOSED BORDERS VS OPEN BORDERS IN EUROPE). THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE ME IN BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN THE COUNTRY ON WORKDAYS. 


        I WILL “””””GLO UP””””” LATER THO. 



        She told me it started somewhere in between 22:30 – 23:30?

        It would be so much fun to see you there…… 

        I will not be putting this on Instagram :D. What’s the point??? 

        I only want justice for myself (and my Cuddle(s))?


        I’LL INSTA NOT LIVESTREAM(?) FILM AT THE “CONCERT”? (Because of the 0 views ba-dum-tss….)

        Has anyone seen my B?  :[

        22:44 (10:44 PM)

        I’m on my way to George’s Cocktail lounge? 

        I decided on after marketing. 

        You know that moment when you’re so fucked up you just…

        That was “sarcasm”… A “pee pole” across the town hall is pretty “barbarian”… I want to moveee 😀

        23:48 (11:48 PM) 

        I think it’s too awkward to film…? I thought there was going to be a crowd ahahahah. 

        My Cuddle, this is a secrettt. So what’s the legal part of this “underground decision”…? We’re trying to improve our system so that these kind of things don’t have to happen, rightt? 

        Haha my examssss. 

        I’ll still log?? 

        00:19 (AM) 

        I thought maybe I should show you some “highlights”, but the lighting is too awkward :D. And so is my data usage!! And my battery too…. 

        Haha my level of randomness is going up, luckily (that’s a good thing). Yours should, too, my Cuddle! We should free ourselves from what we feel when FUCKING JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE CONSTANTLY FUCKING KEEEP THEIR EYES ON YOUR SHIT SOOOOOO FOCUSED IT MAKES ME WANT TO SAY “HEB JE NIKS TE DOEN OFZO?????”. OF KOM MET EEN ONDERWERP DAT INHOUD HEEFT. HOE DURF JE HIERVOOR MIJN AANDACHT TE VRAGEN????

        Shout out to my piano/keyboard players all over the world whoop whoooop!!

        I’m not even drunk yet :D. But I reached the level “I should not sing harder, otherwise you won’t be heard!” What an accomplishment :D. 

        The other female singer here is so Cuddle :D. Lately I’ve been meeting so many people, I’m starting to become “bad with names”…

        I think I’ll be breaking the sound borders soon :D. Since “my example” HAHA NAHHHH DON’T GET ME STARTED fammmmmm has given me this example :p. 

        [I didn’t like how potentially hurtful relatives were gazing at my phone screen as I was writing, so that’s why my messages were written in a form of code only you understand, my Cuddle.]

        03:03 (AM) 


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        Thursday, September 13, 2018

        14:18 (02:18 PM) 

        Good afternoon :] <3

        I hope you have plans of engaging in my projects. You won’t regret this! 😀 (If you’re Cuddle…) The info on how to engage will be published on September 30th. 

        My next statistics deadline is the 17th. It was my intention, since the assessment has 15 questions, to do about 30% of the questions today. (I started today.) I’ve already done 40% now, so I find that I have the rest of the day “off” again. 

        Haha “Pixel Action Heroes” is such a fun game! I’ve been playing it this morning as well… The “zombie” levels. It’s basically zombie Minecraft. My “high score” is 9 waves, with idk how many kills haha.

        I think I’ll go to the gym now and then head over to Erasmus to write some. I still have a lot of writing to do, but as soon as the “maybe I should not write this down because then people might complain” hesitation starts to fade, which is what I call “getting in my zone”, I could write an entire book in a day. 

        The thought of going to that location, with all of those Graeynissis, makes me kind of nervous. But it’s “the good kind of nervous”? Haha. The “attraction kind”…

        By the way, Run It Back (Freestyle) by Kirk Knight is ve-ry good :D. For some reason Spotify crashes when I try to share it. (Is it because the song is too lit?  ;])

        Change of plans: it will be gym, wash fro & write at home, because by that time the table downstairs will probably be free. I’m on the top floor right now. Melting haha. It’s too warm to focus here. 

        Excuse my fears for flooding and not ever seeing my B anymore and getting taken into an institution against my will, by the way. I’m currently powerless in all three situations, it seems. I would love to change that… They are one of the many motives for me doing all of this. 

        16:18 (04:18 PM) 

        Some pre-gym selfies:

        Why wear a wig to the gym, right??  😀

        I’m eating this granola bar, to prevent myself from fainting, due to the fact that I usually only eat when I’m too hungry or when there’s something I find very tasty. 

        17:36 (05:36 PM) 

        Spot the Rebelniss in this picture

        Look at my gym bag 😀

        I’m just trying to keep your mind off things by randomly showing and sharing things. You should do the same, so that I could keep my mind off things as well :D. 

        I’ve had some good conversations with someone who works at the gym I’ve been a member of since I was 8 :].

        20:23 (08:23 PM) 

        I’m going to the gym with my father on Saturday :]

        21:33 (09:33 PM) 

        Free(gre)asy advertising¿ Normally people get paid for this haha

        I’ll be paying half¿ Luckily it’s only one module, even though I’ll have to approach them for this, since this is level 2 and I’m late :D. “De “52%” schaal. Helemaal vergeten… -.-” “

        Clean slates… I’ll be writing xxx

        22:57 (10:57 PM) 

        I won’t spoil the exact content 😉 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, September 12, 2018

        13:40 (01:40 PM) 

        My Cuddle 😀 <3

        How are you today? 

        I handed in my first test out of three, right before I left the house. The deadline is 01:00 AM on September 13, so I found that I had the right to give myself “a day off” and write and go shopping :]. Haha “shopping”… I need a non-programmable calculator for my mathematics test. The non-programmable one I have now (but I used my programmable calculator instead of the university’s computer program for certain calculations), doesn’t show fractions the way I prefer to see them. So I’ll be buying that. I thought of purchasing the Nintendo Switch, too, but I’ll wait with that until “minimally” next month… 

        14:50 (02:50 PM) 

        HAHA change of plans :D. 

        “LAN Tea Party?” haha #Fashionnova

        Should I put click-ads on my blog? Even “big news sources” [in the Netherlands?] have ads on them… 

        I’m going to make my own ads :D. Then I keep 100% of the revenue. You could get a share, if you like? 

        You can sign up by filling out the new Nosce Te Ipsum. I plan on starting to write it tonight. The previously deleted Nosce Te Ipsum II Episode included a contract that would unite us. 

        Beurs is trouwens geen gunstige woonlocatie als je dit in overweging neemt tegelijkertijd met de achterliggende strategie in het Deltaplan. Ik ken de Nederlandse geschiedenis niet zo goed meer? De dijken enzo worden op een gegeven moment toch oud? 

        16:22 (04:22 PM) 

        How much do you pay for these games in your country of residence?

        It would be nice to play Nintendo together :D. 

        Depending on the amount of Graeynissis? 

        17:11 (05:11 PM) 

        I just had a ve-ry unpleasant discussion with my mother. 

        She came back home. I just installed the Nintendo Switch. 

        Whatever the outcome will be (because this will be a follow-up of the previously mentioned “Ik wil zelfbeschikkingsrecht behouden en dit wordt me afgenomen omdat (EEN VAN MIJN) ouders me iets opdringt?”)……

        Please be on stand-by, my Cuddle :[.

        In case she calls the “acute dienst” on me again.

        “Have you gone to the coffeeshop today? I notice it. You’re acting different.”

        “How am I acting different?”

        “It’s just different.”

        “Please explain what the difference is. I feel insulted by your words and would like to know why you said this.”

        Was how it started…. 

        “I’ve been back on full steam since December.”

        “Yes, I have been noticing that since December.”

        “What (kind of “badness”) is there to notice? Before December, I was in the hospital. After December, I went back to school and have had a job. Have you seen my grades?”


        “Why are we still talking about this? This has become an uncomfortable conversation.”

        “Uncomfortable conversations are a part of life. I have uncomfortable conversations every day.”

        “You shouldn’t have those conversations. Want a controller?”

        “I actually should have…”

        “Want a controller?”

        “No, I don’t like video games.”

        “You don’t like video games, I don’t like uncomfortable conversations. Please just let me play.”

        “Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore.”


        I’m going to take my mind off this for a second. This is my off day (IS WHAT I SAID).

        22:51 (10:51 PM) 

        Ah, prrr, my Meow

        Imagine us in the colder season

        All cuddled up underneath the sheets

        Playing video games ( ^ 3 ^ )

        We can’t be putting our minds to (literal?) “serious shit” all of the time, right?

        I cooked this earlier today. A combination of coconut milk, massala and hoisin sauce, on chicken fillet for the rest of the family and on cod fish for myself. And this pre-packaged mix of cut (they call it “Thai”) vegetables. 

        Today should have been the day to discuss the possible payment of my tuition. I should sign up, to stay entitled to study financing. Then I wouldn’t have to work  to pay my for my living expenses and small business investments, in the meantime. This until my products start selling enough to market / to look professional or trustworthy enough for partnerships with other sole proprietors, as an institution that is mainly concerned with research (publishing), entertainment [controversy] (also other fields that include many forms of design, IT, finance, etc). You, my Graeyniss, might not be a sole proprietor yet. But you should become one. Let’s be Cuddles :D. 

        I think I should stay in school on the side, because I then have a more comfortable back up, in case my business doesn’t thrive. I’ll, then, probably still have to move out as soon as possible, though… 

        Also, I prefer economics/finance related topics over statistics… Tomorrow I’ll be working on the last part of the statistics test. I’ll also have to study Maths after I finish that, and for writing Nosce Te Ipsum I need full days instead of just a few hours a day, for “getting in my zone reasons”, so the publication date will become the 31st for sure. I wanted to make it sooner [hoping that I could physically unite us and spread my wings sooner], but I also need to not put too much pressure on myself.

        I wish I could cuddle my B :[. This will happen some day, right? :[ I have very often and in many ways been told to “move on”, but my love for him is way too strong… 

        I’ll be playing some “Pixel Action Heroes” (reminds me of Doom) and then go to sleep

        It’s funny how I currently “only know my father and sister through what my mother tells me”. Am I too eager to trust, in this case?  If she, tomorrow, decides to open fire again, and these FLEH doctors will be involved again, I hope you’d like to testify for me. I’m currently powerless against them… 

        What’s the fastest way to get out of this situation? 

        Good night, my Cuddle <3

        Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

        Quick Reflection 11/09/2018

        All I think about is you

        Even though we haven’t spent that much time together yet


        My dream:

        We meet up once

        And you then never leave me

        The Never Ending Cuddle Hangout

        With our fellow Cuddles


        There are not many people like us

        Starting a new life with someone you barely know, might seem like taking a risk

        “What if our personalities don’t match?”

        To me, now, you’re my only hope

        So I say it’s so worth the gamble

        Other than that there’s nothing for me here



        Trust is an interesting mental concept. I always say: “There’s a limit to the amount of trust I can give someone.” 

        You might want to conform to your promise, but when a situation becomes extreme, let’s say we’re in “survival mode”, would you still stick to it? 

        I compare my input with your output. I treat someone the way I want to be treated. 



        Hurt me once, I let it slide.

        Hurt me twice, I point out that your statements are offensive and/or hurtful.

        Hurt me three times, and with my words I indirectly make you feel the pain I feel.

        Hurt me four times, and I will slowly but surely distance myself from you, for all eternity.

        Then our personalities just don’t match. 


        What have I done for you? What have you done for me? 

        Have you helped me, when I was in need? Have I been able to empty out my burdens with you? Have you made me feel loved? Have you truly been nice to me? 

        (Or is it all just an act? Have my gestures of love become expectations to you, while the only thing you do is blurt out hurtful nonsense? Is there nothing you have done for me, while I have gone the extra mile for you?) 

        With a simple calculation, you can predict if that person is someone you could trust, in the situations you think trust is important. This differs per person. (I don’t like reading that much, so these “fatcs” [= actually always subjective, for they start with a question from the perception of one person, which is answered according to the same personal perception] are off the top.)


        I might need that one day. 

        I’d love to do the Maths for you. I’m so lonely in my being “the “I say you’re so smart no one really understands you, so you must stay my friend” people tell me, while I actually have so many people to choose from, but I’m looking for someone like you, because the people saying “I say … my friend”, are less intelligent people I can’t communcate with”-situation. 

        Minder proza, mijn Cuddle?  

        I want you all to myself, my Cuddle… 

        We’re dealing with a problem that we can only solve together. 

        I have options, but no chosen allies. I’m waiting for the “Wow” Cuddle. 

        As in having one or more of the following “Wows”:

        Wow, you’re just as passionate about using your intellect as I!! <3

        Wow, you’re making me feel so loved!! <3

        Wow, there’s so much we can do for each other!! <3

        ¡¡Wow, you just went the extra mile for me!! <3

        Wow, I have never felt so special!! <3

        Wow, my work can make such a big difference for you!! 😀

        Wow, you could have kept your luxurious routine, which makes shallow people look up to you, but you chose to challenge your intellectual side more, by making a career switch, for which its success still needs to be worked for, as a collective, which is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        I’m trying to look as though I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. But without Graeynissis, I can’t do that. It’s not our responsibility, but we’re the only ones smart enough to be able to put our minds to it. 

        I don’t know much about: “Hi, my name is (…), but I’m giving you this name because of my financial status. I don’t (often or ever?) befriend people who I don’t share this status with. I work in a system you basically can’t enter if you don’t know the right people or don’t have the right status. In my community, I can not share my appreciation for Lil Fangs.” ¿

        Meoow you’re so interesting!!! Much more interesting than the [this is why I’m still solo. I’ve heard people indirectly say this way too fucking often, and then after that they say they want to be my ally]: “Hi, my name is (…). Currently my occupations are (…), but I’m not passionate about them at all. I want to do something else, but I don’t know what. I do not spend time thinking about it, because I don’t want to be confronted with how I don’t know what my talents are. I spend my time complaining and trying to forget that I exist. I find it funny and comforting to see that other people are doing worse than I. The only reason why I befriend people, is because I don’t like to be lonely and I have opportunistic traits.”

        Way too many people on Earth are like that. They find their weakness cool and emphasize it in their conversations. That shit is sooo toxic! It’s like an epidemic, too… (Just like swearing? It doesn’t even feel comfortable, to me. But sometimes, that seems to be the only way I can get my point accross…)

        On Yah movement of my skull, I live to unite us in safety. But pardon me for doing this blindfolded, for I am not familiar with the type of life you live, about which I’m very eager to learn. 

        Haha, the people sometimes mistake me for someone of your status. If that were so, I would not have to spend time with someone with a toxic mentality, who blames it on the lack of money and intelligence. I would be in a VERYYYYYYYYYY remote area, making big changes. 

        There will be a short first Nosce Te Ipsum, which I will start to write soon. I intend to release it, before October starts. For many, that is not a pleasant surprise [for cryptonite reasons] (reference to the front page of this blog). I have also “spoiled” it, purposely, because I want you, My Sharp Cuddle Who I Love So Much More For Reading Every Word I Write, to stay on stand-by. Only in that way, we keep the right people inside our organization. Council members are chosen once, and keep this position for the rest of their lives. The “Baalish” opportunists always come second. 

        Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

        Mental Images

        “Paint a picture of what has been on your mind every day. With words. In the end, you’ll see how far you’ve come.”

        Where’s the Volta?

        Stuck in the same spot. 

        Happy still hurts, when it’s for only one

        When it’s not shared

        When it’s misunderstood

        When it’s not even there

        I do not want your money in that way

        That would just make me feel more lonely


        For now, the result is just a mental image, to me

        I live to make it reality

        I depend on you

        But do you trust me? 

        You have my heart

        Your future is my passion

        People tell me to give up

        I’m doing this with my last bit of energy

        To bring to life a mental image

        To not die as just a mental image

        Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

        What does it mean? 

        “Zzzz so many posts, still no clear essence”

        The essence is everything to me, when you love it

        When you don’t, I won’t succeed

        Success means creating true happiness for many

        Many reasons for me to also shift + delete the other new Nosce Te Ipsum

        The diary is to preserve my memory, so ew to including it

        I don’t want you to feel the pain I feel

        But I want to be transparent

        But not another post

        The pain shouldn’t be a re-occurring theme

        Haven’t even written down half of it

        What’s the point? 

        Will I make it? 

        Making it means having the chance to be happy, loving and creative with you, all of the time

        But currently I have sadness and many forms of radio-silence

        Maybe I’m not the one

        But then please just make it quick and painless

        Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

        Sad Pet 

        An expert in judgment must know how FUCKED UP it feels when people have a different source that portrays you as “the bad guy”, according to a milked script that is so deep-rooted in people’s minds, even though your intentions are good. 

        They say: “Don’t try to talk to her, because she doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

        If I would want you to believe that, I would say that to you personally. With my mouth. Not through text. Don’t believe any other source than me. But please ask me first, before you interpret my written words, for they can be interpreted in MANY ways. 

        I want to love you. I want to communicate with you. I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. (Still happens basically daily.) 

        I’m tired of this self-defense. 

        I’m neither for, nor against. I’m just trying to fit in. 

        I try to make a post-lion impression on you, because I want your faith in me, because I can do so much for you, but I’m actually a little bed cat. 

        I’m not here to disrupt your habitat. 

        I just want to be your cuddle cat. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, September 10, 2018

        12:36 (PM) 

        My Cuddle <3

        How was your morning? 

        I just ate some “saffron cream” fish with couscous as my first meal of the day. Before that I’ve been laying (cuddling, laking….) in bed all the time, thinking about strategy and assembling Graeynissis. 

        You should really make that wild career switch and join my start-up :D. In your current field, you’re now in the position to select and prepare the right people to take over your position one day. The issue is that most people who have the capacity to do this, care about quantity more than quality. You could also pass your position to a computer and then make that computer part of the start-up. In that way you never quit “:D”. Whatever you publicly do that is Fangs related, some people will say that being my Cuddle is a bad move. The thing is that the people who say that, could also be replaced by a computer. You’re far more intelligent than them, and [yes, comma + and] by becoming part of this organization, you will be working with people you can REALLY level with. 

        So now D. O. C. I. S. International has two names: Fangs and D.O.C.I.S. International (my phone automatically adds spaces after dots). It is my intention to start a private holding under the name D. O. C. I. S. International and then make Fangs a separate private holding, just like the many other components of this organization. (But that only when the “active audience” is large enough.) 

        Part of me feels tense for giving away business information, because “quantity hungry” people could steal these ideas (is what I have been taught). BUT I DO LIVE TO CRUSH THE COMPETITION :D. (This because I do not want to risk not being able to pay for salaries etc anymore.) You better be on my siiideee. You won’t find a better multi-talented prospect than me, so why even keep searching :D. Under water the whole system doesn’t even exist!!! (Just like computers, which is why the “Liée for doing things manually/on paper”. And having these chips that never get fucked up from water (in the first place?) @ water resistant computers?)

        Also, I Googled the Auberge…. It isn’t that Graeyniss, maybe…?  Haha see, that’s why I so rarely come across them :[. I don’t even know what Graeynissis like :[. 

        I’m going to shower and stuff


        13:54 (01:54 PM) 

        Wtf? Haha

        Can anyone tell me where that harbor is with thousands of ships to save millions of people? Is it next to the place where weapons and army planes (F16’s) are constructed and kept? :p Haha what will they use to save themselves? Maybe they’ll go back to doing VOC / WIC shit. 

        My Cuddle, will you sign my concord? 

        This will become a chapter in the new Nosce Te Ipsum. But first, there’s this test :D. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, September 9, 2018

        06:24 (AM) 

        My Cuddle!  <3

        Let’s do something fast?

        I can’t sleep because I keep imagining how things could go down x_x. Talk to me :[. (By that I mean please reason along. I’m trying to find a new way for us to live.) 

        It’s interesting how the government is keeping people stuck in this country (with so much ease). They indirectly, through (social) media (PR), say their country is number one and other countries “aren’t doing very well” in terms of their safety. (SO A LOT OF DUTCH PEOPLE ALREADY STAY INSIDE AND CLOSE THEIR DOORS AND WINDOWS. THEY DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE ANYMORE!! :[ (in their free time)) Also, the majority can’t emigrate whenever they want to, because of financial and bureaucracy reasons. WHAT IS FREEDOM? 

        Everyone’s their ally, but that’s their an environmental threat to everyone. (“A sea full of cars and containers heading your way.”) And then they turn it into something financial. I think people have forgotten what they strive for, now that the corporations they work for strive for maximum profit. It used to be about WHAT your contribution is. Now it’s “as long as you work, you’re “a good” in this community”. I used to say it’s good to pay taxes, because it allows for people to receive welfare. Of course the government (that includes the king (what’s his purpose? Especially when we’te all getting flooded and he will already be abroad?)) can already pay for it, just from the 21% tax they receive over your purchases. They say Dutch people are known for not buying much at once. That must be because national prices for things are relatively high. No space to grow foods, too many people… There are taxes on medication?. “Only” 6%!!! We pay for our own medication? Can someone put the dictator running this country on a boat into the middle of the ocean? (THIS IS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU, MY CUDDLE (FROM ABROAD), HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IN SCHOOL!!!) 



        NEEM DE LEIDING NIET. JE GAAT ALLEEN MAAR OP EEN STEEN WILLEN ZITTEN. VEEL MEER BEN JE MISSCHIEN OOK NIET GEWEND in zo’n situatie?. (Of nja, je kan natuurlijk de leiding nemen, maar ik kies liever mijn eigen weg…) 

        It was like I had forgotten about the natural threat “I was born with”. I suddenly remembered the intense fear I used to live in. (Can I emigrate with student debt…..?)

        The purpose of life is not profit maximization. It’s also not to look good. It’s also not to obtain a high status. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT TO FAKELY DISCUSS FUCKING ISSUES THAT ACTUALLY DON’T EXIST AND THEN ALWAYS SOMEHOW MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE IT’S VE-RY SERIOUS. 

        If my father were to invest in my business, things would be un-shadied? 

        Shout out to the people who say “I don’t believe you if you don’t show your source,” while the majority of (mass/mainstream) sources is crooked? Ahahahahha “Het is waar, want het stond op”??????? NEEEE TOCH? 

        Yesterday I ate a protein bar and some tomato soup. Every day, I think: I don’t like the taste of (for mass production) genetically modified imported foods, but what am I going to eat today? Will I finally see my B today? I cannot be in the same state as I am in now, on OCTOBER 2ND :[. I want a cuddleee. As in cuddle me please :D. Ah meow I’m really not in the mood for hanging out, talking about airy shit and then PEOPLE ASKING ME ABOUT MY PAIN AND THEN WANTING TO FUCKING POINT OUT WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG ACCORDING TO THEM. I DO NOT DO THAT TO YOUR FACE EITHER. I ONLY FUCKING WRITE IT DOWN. I DON’T EVEN SAY IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. If you feel offended by my words, feel free TO DO THE SAME THING AS I DO. 

        If you’d stay inside and close your doors and windows and the second wave makes the water level +5m, you’d run out of oxygen? Are these houses water proof? The difference between the (Rotterdam) Maas and the Seine is intense… 

        12:00 (PM) 

        What are the things that have been propagated on a mass scale in the period that I was missing? What has been said about me? (Was it the truth? I doubt it….) (How) was B involved? It’s too bad the people in my environment don’t remember it. At least, that is what I have been told. Just like I have heard the way I communicate has changed, and my previous personality is not remembered. I forgot, too, for a few weeks. I’m not a fan of antipsychotics (new and old generation) and lorazepam. 

        I have no clue of what the correspondence could have been. I was outside for three days, with a phone that died, because that was the only way I could get out of forced conversations.

        I keep getting an error when trying to post? 

        Does anyone know where my B is? :[ We used to e-mail back and forth and have hung out privately twice. I only have his work email address and his work phone number. He’s inactive on Facebook… I at least want to know how he is doing now :[. My Cuddle :[.

        I risk being assassinated for making this environmental issue they’re trying to keep hidden a largely, actively, OPENLY discussed topic? That’s why I’m not certain anymore about trying to climb up within the Google ranks…? 

        13:00 (01:00 PM) 

        Meow, what to eat…?

        Let’s make pancakes? Or pourridge…? 

        It’s going to be pancakes with (big? The sultana type) raisins, apple parts, cinnamon and vanilla. I’m also using soy milk, instead of cow milk. 

        I wonder if the web traffic statistics I can see are less than the actual traffic? If ‘s Gravenland Cuddles read it?

        If I’ve ever made you feel un-cuddle: that was never my intention :[.

        I’m so afraid they have imprisoned my B after the police had interrogated me way too often, while I was way too tired and I was just trying to make him the first person to see after leaving the station :[. Also, I hoped to see him when I left the house three days before? I want to cuddle him :[. I do not want to be a homewrecker :D.  

        So the book will be published on all popular platforms (and D. O. C. I. S. International…) and I intent to internationally market it on Google and Instagram. There will be two versions of the book, because the online diary format will not be supported in the popular stores [but this idea has changed again]. After these pancakes :D. 

        21:07 (09:07 PM) 

        The essence of the fields, the activities and stances in societal discussions of D. O. C. I. S. International is currently undefined. The outcome of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is there to define this, based on the accumulation of personal Nosce Te Ipsum survey outcomes. 

        00:07 (AM) 

        My Sweetniss 😀

        How was your day? <3

        Mine was all right. I got up very late, baked pancakes, made a Google Ads campaign for, did some other SEO stuff, wrote an intro for the D. O. C. I. S. International website and then deleted it and made a new one, improvised with Jazz chords and socialized with my parents, grandmother, sister (with whom I remember a very Cuddle past) and a friend of hers (who is ve-ry Cuddle :]). I’ve also napped from 7 until 9 and had a very nice dinner. And I did regular things like doing the dishes and setting and “un-setting” the dinner table. 

        I have also pondered a lot about the PR-related design of D. O. C. I. S. International. About clarity of correspondence and partnering with the right people. 

        Also, the deadline for my first assessment is in two days and I haven’t released the episode yet. I want to release an episode I’m truly proud of – which wasn’t really the case for the last edition – so I’m going to continue re-writing it. I will shift my working emphasis to my assessments now, though. On the 12th, 17th and 21st I have deadlines

        Currently, I’m twisting the last “two rows” of my hair. I wear twists underneath my wig.

        You should know that Auberge de Kieviet is THE place to be for Graeynissis on September 21st ;). I’m not sure yet if I should go to the barbecue of the subsidiary of the company I’ve worked at during the summer. I’m in desperate need of more Graeynissis, and am wondering if I should seek them at the location where I have my test (where I’ll be staying from the 20th until the 22nd ;;;;]) or at the barbecue? I hope this Cuddle Graeyniss is going, but I don’t know if he thinks I’m Cuddle. I need tips on how to keep Graeynissis? Haha I think it would be so cool for us to regularly hang out and do Graeyniss things. 

        Please do not think “I can not disturb this Cuddle”. I want to cuddle you :D. 

        Here’s the end result:

        I’m off to bed. 

        Good night, mijn Cishe

        (You know that with the words Cuddle, Cuddleniss, Graeyniss, Sweetniss, etc. I’m referring to you, right? You, who is reading my diary. It must feel as random for you as it does for me? I’m afraid people will think I’m a bad leader for showing my emotions and less “Facebook material” things (AHAHAHAHAHAH) like this, on this blog, but I think reflecting on myself like this is good. It helps me keep an overview of things.)


        Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Tips

        WILHELMUS 2.0

        MY CUDDLES

        LET’S UNITE


        AND MAKE OUR OWN :D.




        [Your recipe for survival. Even though they say there will be no internet? Because you’re not allowed to share the details on how LETTING YOU DIE IS MUUUUUUCH CHEAPER. THE ROADS ARE TOO BUSY FOR EVACUATION. WE WILL NEED TO FIGHT FOR OURSELVES. LET’S BUILD OUR OWN SAFETY. (If you, at the sentence about fighting, thought: “I’ll kill you first!”, I would like to say: GOOD FUCKING LUCK, BITCH :D.) ]

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        HEEEUUYUUUEEEEYYUUUUU *sound of hyped masses you hear at “spelen”*

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Saturday, September 8, 2018

        10:38 (AM) 

        GOOD MORNING 😀 <3




        THE FIRST ONE IS…. 


        INVESTING IS POSSIBLE IN MA-NY WAYS. By buying my book, by becoming a council member (and stockholder), by becoming a stockholder or by donating / giving away things (sponsoring). 


















        THIS IS THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, MY CUDDLE. LET’S TEAM THE FUCK UP :D. (Dan heb ik tenminste wat te doen…..) 

        22:13 (10:13 PM) 

        The current state of the new Nosce Te Ipsum

        I just learnt that my mother has been reading my blog? Awkward? 

        I’ve been writing on my bed all day. Managed to come a little more loose “around people”. As in I “usually” don’t talk to myself out loud anymore, when there’s someone else in the house, but today I just thought “fuck it”. [The not talking etc was/is from being hurt waaay too often.]

        My body has so much energy stored from being in this position. I didn’t really want to go outside, so I asked if I could smoke a joint in the backyard. After her response, I chose not to. I am afraid of their financial authority over me and the way our conversations can get hurtful. If my purpose was to work behind a desk, I wouldn’t have this form of dependency. THAT’S WHY SOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE DOOOOOON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO FOR US HERE. 

        I haven’t told them about my blog? I thought its content would be too hurtful. But aiiiight. (I need to let it out somewhere, so let it be here. I am not giving away their identities. There might be people reading this who know how I (we, then) feel.)

        At D. O. C. I. S. International (in case you didn’t know, this is a multi-purpose company), every author gets more than 80% of the purchase price per sold online copy of his or her work. This because it’s way more important to support the maker, instead of the people who turn it into more money. 

        Please invest in me :D. Details on this will be published soon. 

        On the forum/private network… It would be much more comfortable if it weren’t on the “public internet”…? I want to know what “the plans” are when it comes to our safety when the water gets to high? And in other countries? Ha-haaaaa I feel I need to become a Graeyniss ve-ry fast!  Hopefully then we could be . Why isn’t this country colonized yet?  😀 (The “Wtf? They were pioneers in slavery” behind this?) 
        I can’t stop missing Benoît :[. I’ve been (publicly) hiding this for a VEERYYYYYYY long time, but meow :[. I miss our connection. And he’s so cuddlable! (Not that I’ve done this :[. I wish I had. I can only fantasize about it…) I don’t see myself be happy and succesful in this life, without him being my Cuddle :[. (There’s never only one Cuddle, though, my Cuddle!!) 

        I’m going to sleep. I have been pretending that my large pillow is him FOR TWO YEARS NOW. Otherwise I feel too lonely and too unloved :[. 

        Good night, my Cuddle

        I love you so much


        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, September 7, 2018

        11:19 (AM) 

        Good morning, My Cuddle

        What would you like to be the first thing for us to do when we get together? 

        For me, it would be talking in a cuddling position. In Cuddle culture, it is normal to do this amically, whether it is in an informal setting or not. It is so nice to feel the warm embrace of someone who is a true friend. “You can feel the mutual amical love through his or her embrace.” (I’m talking as if I’m used to experiencing that hahahahahah.) We have so much to talk about!!! (So let’s get started ASAP :D.) 


        I’ve been writing the text for the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page on my phone. I think that, after that, I could just take this page out of “public maintenance mode”? [After I’ve changed the footer text as well.] 

        The 175+ page first Nosce Te Ipsum episode was written in 14 days. The second episode, of about 50 pages, was written in 24 hours. I wonder what the rate of satisfaction would be, if I’d compare the current “waiting time” to amount of pages of the current new Nosce Te Ipsum episode. I’ve chosen to replace them, because I want to make it more clear to you how to engage in the project and mention the back story a lot less. Some “members” of my audience have requested me to shorten the back story (about escaping from being structurally limited…) and speak about my business strategy in more detail. I will not mention the back story and describe HOW TO ENGAGE in this business a lot more. If you’re out to just get rich and then sit on your pile of money, watching Netflix, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO BE. HANDS OFF THE BUSINESS STRATEGY THAT HASN’T BEEN PUT INTO PRACTICE EVER BEFORE. IT’S MINE!!!!! I WANT TO USE IT TO DO GOOD AND CONTRIBUTE. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE NUMBERS (unless it’s the “algorithms” used to research all aspects of life) YOU UN-CUDDLE! 

        At first, I wanted to make the release of the websites and the book (episode) release “something big”, but I realize my target audience is immune to marketing campaigns. Plus, I’d like for this entire project to be out of the spotlight. I think it has more room to trive, then, because then it’s easier for me to attract Graeynissis, who need to keep a low profile (or a graet (haha) amount of Graeynissis NEEDS TO STEP FORWARD) and not involve the masses who are not able to understand my writing. Those people just blurt out whatever pessimistic shit comes to mind, because they understand separate sentences, but not the full concept. “It is not right for the director to come across these explicit pictures of you.” (I said: “It’s just my body?”)
        “You need to work on your sentence structure and punctuation. This looks very unprofessional. Professionals will not like that.” I wanted to say: “DO IT YOURSELF. DON’T READ IT IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT. YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT? REAL GRAEYNISSIS CARE ABOUT THE MEANING OF THE CONTENT AND NOT ABOUT HOW IT’S SHAPED.” But I don’t like conflicts, so I just added the DOTS and SEMICOLONS TO THE DRAFT this person pointed out my mistakes in. PEOPLE LOVE TO POINT OUT MY MISTAKES? IF I’D DO THE SAME TO THEM, I WOULD NEVER STOP TALKING. DON’T GET ME STARTED. DON’T FORGET THAT THEY DON’T KNOW THEIR PURPOSE. I DO NOT WANT THEIR ADVICE. 

        Please step forward, my Graeyniss. We need to do this AS A COUNCIL. D. O. C. I. S. International’s website will, on the back-end, have a private forum/social network for Council members. I know you don’t want to work with just anyone. It’s the same for me, but scripture has a “cryptonite” effect on people, so I can just write it down here. Those who could, one day, let’s say we’d become emancipated Graeynissis, be digging for things to make me look bad, and make it seem like we’re the bad guys, would not know where to start looking ;). The pressure they cause should be illegal. I’m not even an official Graeyniss yet. This would be when The Council goes truly public. By that time, Planet Fang should be claimed already. The sooner, the better. Letting go is gooooood, in this case :D. The structure of how you should arrange and value the sapiens in your life, is the ideal you have been taught to live. I say, for us, it’s time for something new. Yes these sapiens might mention how much they care about you, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T EVEN TRULY KNOW YOU, when you say what type of lifestyle you secretly prefer, because you make their life more Cuddle. But you’re not their butler (unless that is your profession, of course……). You know your purpose is not to keep the consumption organ running. [It’s crazy how the government is a group of people who feel like they’re entitled to influence everyone’s fate, take a cuts of your earnings and spendings while not doing anything in return. I don’t know about other governments, from what they make public, but the damage the Dutch government has done, does and will do if they won’t start to seriously think of REAL measures when this country risks to be flooded. This because it’s the literal “current threat”. But AS USUAL, the masses are being distracted with “Breaking News: In Britain, someone named Mohammed couldn’t enter the country and was then given a substitute passport.” AND THAT IS ON THE DUTCH NEWS? WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT OF KNOWING THAT????? IT’S NOT EVEN AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE? TELL ME ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE TRULY GOING TO DO WHEN THE DIKES BREAK. (IT HAS TUNNELS.) THEN I CAN DECIDE IF I RUN TODAY OR RUN TOMORROW? (Not literally… (Because I don’t have enough money for that, haha. Otherwise I would have been gone waaay back already.))

        To “make people drink less” they want to increase taxes (“accijns”) on alcoholic beverages (regular tax is already 21%…). AND THEN PEOPLE DEFEND THAT MEASURE. YES, YOU’RE VERY ENCOURAGED TO CUT DOWN YOUR SPENDINGS, BUT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT MEASURE WOULD JUST MEAN ENDING UP PAYING MORE FOR SOMETHING “YOU MUST NOT DO”.

        13:40 (01:40 PM) 

        You know what I see from my father being on a holiday? The amount of flies in the house is WAY MORE THAN USUAL. He uses this thing he calles “his tennis racket” to kill them while he’s watching TV (which is what is done by the rest of this houshold when being home). I do not like to kill insects (or animals or whatever). Also, they just shouldn’t be here? 

        I don’t want to sound like “de prinses op de erwt” (what they call me), but if MY HOUSE would have flies and larva and shit, and I would earn more than €10.000,- per month, I would THROW OUT EVERYTHING, MOVE OR AT LEAST HIRE A FUCKING HOUSKEEPER. I WOULD ALSO GIVE MY CILDREN AN ALLOWANCE TO ALLOW THEM TO MOVE OUT TO AT LEAST A SIMILAR NEIGHBORHOOD, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TV IS ON EVEN WHEN YOU SLEEP AND THAT SHIT WILL BE KEEPING ME AWAKE AGAIN :D. (Yes. I am doing this indirectly. This is the only way I can stand up for myself. 

        Spot the fly line. I took this yesterday, but felt too ashamed of sharing it. It’s almost like they posed for me?

        Should I call the “insect patrol”? I am not able to pay them… 

        My sister does her own laundry. I am too tired to do mine. I am [yes, started the sentence with “I am” again] doing the dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, trying to keep this place semi-neat, while I tell everyone I’m studying, but actually I am writing, which is what I always do. Hanging out with people (I get these requests every day, but decline them) is so stressful, because I think: “I don’t know shit about what artists or series or whatever is trending in my generation right now. I don’t give a fuck, also, even though I allow you to tell me about it. This because it will give me more time to come up with our next topic, since I won’t be able to talk about this superficial, predictable shit for more than 5 minutes.” Luckily, not everyone in my generation is a zombie who lives for “doing nothing” while gazing at superficial, predictable things. But “unfortunately”(?), the numbers are still very great. 

        16:20 (04:20 PM) 

        I’m eating this egg right now. This is my first meal of the day. I won’t do the usual “breakfast & bake” (I am talking about weed?).

        I wasn’t able to finish this :[

        Wild picture of what I prepared for my sister, her boyfriend and I, but ended up eating by myself

        Mag ik een Cuddle? :[ I’m feeling un-cuddle :[. 

        It’s pre-calculated genocide, teaching young children they can die any second, “because of how powerless we are against nature”. I remember being so worried about this, and then the people in my environment saying: “Boeien. Het is toch niet nu?” A.k.a.: “That only is a problem when it happens.” It already happend “relatively” recently… Search “De Watersnoodramp” and then translate the page? (Then you see the Dutch perspective.) 

        The infrastructure should be organized in such a way that basically the entire country could be evacuated. But the country is already WAAAAAY too overpopulated for that. (Plus if you, as a government, say no to immigrants [is what they say on the news here. I don’t know what the truth is, though…], you should say no to Dutch immigrants as well?) The amount of traffic jams on such random times of day……. (That sentence is an indirect reference to the sentence before that.) 

        Also, what is in the containers in the harbour in Schiemond? From the apartment building we used to live in, that harbour was our “view”… I have been chilling there with people I met around right before I started to work at the ANWB (I now don’t work there anymore. But you already knew that?). The smell in the air there is faaaaaaar from healthy. What is in those containers? They’re just standing there, it seems… 

        Google Images doesn’t have images of this, but on Maps it is slightly visible.

        This “millions of people risk being drowned” should become an actively internationally discussed topic? 

        I think this is a very good reason to speed-release NTI I(A), which is the short way of saying Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1. We need to start to construct this island asap!!! (I already have some sketches.) 

        First, I will be buying groceries and taking out the trash. Meow I’m so done with thattttttt. 

        17:48 (05:48 PM) 

        Here’s a website you can check to see if you will die or not when shit goes down:

        (How the fuck (AND WHY?) do they pre-calculate the water level?) For me, the outcome is:

        Notice the “less than 1% chance” and then the “tomorrow”. I do not understand how people settle for this.

        They say pack your bags? When…???

        There could be a brain drain (as far as that’s possible)? This is not a bad thing, because those who should care are too busy watching Netflix, not even trying to put their minds to it.

        Okay okay ENOUGH OF THIS!!! Aarghhhh it’s on my mind so much. Part of me was looking forward to the colder seasons, because they allow you to cuddle up more, but it can be raining for almost entire days here…. 

        Okay, I “should be focusing on my exams”. Actually, I don’t want to study at all. I like learning, but studying for tests et cetera is such a “same thing, same pressure, different subject” thing. I like to receive study financing, otherwise I would have to have a full time job (since my parents choose to not give me an allowance (not even for my health or phone bills)) to cover my expenses, and that would not leave time for me to write, which is, apart from cuddling, what I like to do most. Or maybe it’s just the reasoning? 

        I don’t like writing all by myself that much, though. Especially not now. These last 5 days I have spent all by myself. Partially, this was a choice. But in another way I had no other option, because my body and mind need to recuperate, and shallow conversations have a very opposite effect on me. Hiding my annoyance or hurt is starting to get to me. 

        What would be the point of me having a degree? If there’s no way I’d work 40 hours ever again, but with my current level of degrees (and that is the only measure these fucking dumb people use), that would be the only way to find an apartment (in a neighborhood I actually don’t want to live in, because I prefer quiet areas) and pay for my basic essentials. Any other parent (who isn’t greedy) would be more generous with an income of at least €10.000,- per month. I don’t like that my environment is non-cooperative with getting my career off the ground. All I want in life is to make a difference by putting my concepts and inventions into practice. I’m not here to “just have fun” because I think the type of things the masses find fun these days are WAAAAAY toooo fucking boring. If you’ve done it once, you’ve done it for all eternity.

        The only way I could ever be truly happy is if I would find TRULY like-minded people (with similar judgment), who have plans at least just as big as mine. If I talk to someone about writing, I do not want to hear all about what that person finds wrong about my writing. It hurts too much. I shouldn’t adapt my writing to anyone. (Yet still I end up explaining myself more than once more often, because I’d like everyone to understand this.) 

        I would love to hear EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING you have written! And what moves you and what kind of other interests you have. My Cuddleniss :D. I think our age difference would make the conversation even more interesting! 

        Why may I not wear no bra in public? It’s just my body? 

        19:56 (07:56 PM) 

        I have no apetite? I still need to make dinner. There are many left-overs in the (not by me) overstacked fridge 

        [Mid Free Online Episode 1]

        Suddenly, while Holy Cat absorbs The Most Attractive One’s Hologram, a man enters the room. Let’s call him Deltaplan. 

        My house? Nahhhhhhhhh thank you :D. I need an investor?

        Kan jij de stormvloedkeringen ook zien zitten? Wanneer gaan we weg?  😀 Caaaatttttttttttttttt ( –    3  – )


        If I would publish my book tonight, before 05:50, would you purchase it? The book gives you a new title, if you complete the Nosce Te Ipsum course, for which you receive a certificate and a renewed CV. 

        How many people would like to move to Planet Fang? The house and Fangia (valuta) you receive through our parliament and senate, are based on your Nosce Te Ipsum answers. 

        00:33 (AM) 



        WHY NOW? WHY NOW? 








        03:30 (AM) 

        Let’s go to Luxembourg? I have never been there before. And that while it is so close to the Netherlands!!!! 

        Or does someone have a party island? I could borrow? 😀 Buy? Expand? 


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