Monthly Archives

November 2018

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, November 30, 2018

01:29

The time has come to propose my final attempt to the public. To constitute a board of an international holding that puts into practice plans for a new society. 

The most important part is that after the campaign, I receive a lot of e-mail engagement. Currently, I have only one person who, just now, accepted my verbal offer for becoming “Head Architecture and Design”. I need to make a general contract for becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. That is what I’ll do tomorrow. 

Good night

xxx

10:36

Good morning ♥

How was your night?

I’m still very tired – need a doctor x_x – but I really need to finish the ebook today, so that I can do some more effective marketing. 

Also, last night I received this horror again:

Pay it with what¿

Things I should include

  • What positions
  • After filling out the mini concord and the standing out of your motivation, you receive the contract including its terms and conditions etc
  • Right now, I have nothing when it comes to money, a network and/or working space. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it this way. So we’re starting it together from scratch
  • The way it leads to benefits for you

    19:31

    I didn’t draw that :D. That’s made by him with whom I currently live. “I am too focused on my computer.”

    Meoow

    20:06

    Hey, I might sound like a layman right now, buy why did a German plane just land in the Netherlands? 

    22:13

    I’m quite done with the ebook now, I think… I just can’t wait to hear from you “:D”. 

    I also don’t intend to become pregnant before age 30 or something… Not that I don’t like children, I just want to have all of my time free for D.O.C.I.S. International. 

    There is NO MINIMUM AGE!!! 

    And also no required previous experience

    😀

    I’ll finish the links in the free book’s article, make a link on the books page and then resort to Facebook and Instagram marketing. And then back to posting things in my diary, in the hope to find wild Graeynissis. 

    23:42

    En nu moet ik dus voor een paar tientjes likes en followers gaan kopen [mijn marketingbudget hiervoor is €50] zodat mensen gaan denken dat andere mensen dit leuk vinden, want nu is er nog steeds – auwww meoww – niet genoeg engagement om er iets van te kunnen maken x_x. 

    A.k.a.: Please say something, my Cuddle :D. 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Thursday, November 29, 2018

    01:46

    I don’t know what to say… I just didn’t expect the sudden motive to free myself from palpitations and extreme blood thirst yesterday. 

    Excuse my non-Docisness… I wish I could find the shortness of words to break down all of “what the company does” down at once. But I’m very tired :[. I actually really need to visit doctor Cuddle. I don’t know how to achieve that, though, since I don’t have that much to spend and I really want to stop involving “my parents” in my financial life. I want to financially depend on Cuddles :D. [Only to kickstart the real D.O.C.I.S. International.]

    My alarm is set for 05:00. I’ll be at my last transit around 05:29 :D. 

    I’ll be train napping xxx

    This is the randomest part of my stats by the way

    05:01

    I’m almost there 😀

    Meow

    05:45

    Being back in this city now – Berlin –  made me realize how much I missed it. Not that I know so many people here. It’s more the effect of the language and environment being relatively new to me and I really like the “alien effect” of making people curious, because there are not many people who look like me, here, that I like so much. 

    I’ll be with a Cuddle of mine. I’ll have to orient myself on getting investors and living and the release etc, from here. And make sure that I get closer to California instead of the Netherlands, after this, when it comes to traveling. 

    14:38

    I’m at a steak restaurant with some Cuddles. I feel very bad about going to Germany while I have a self-set deadline, but this Cuddle needs to eat after this crazy long journey here.  

    Yay

    Meow & #x1F63B;😻 

    D.O.C.I.S. will contain clarity by the end of tomorrow. I’m thinking of changing the chapters structure.

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Wednesday, November 28, 2018

    00:20

    Er zit een witte pukkel op mijn rechterbil. I always get that when I scratch myself, because I’m allergic to formaldehyde… And some cats, by the way…

    Do you mind if I skip the book and continue with the recruitment?

    Today, I‘ll make D.O.C.I.S. International a single page with the explanation of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and include a sign-up form. Then I wrap up the story, because if you’d start to catch up after November 30th, you might be swamped for a while, I just realized. I’ve never written this much in my life.

    Smoking earlier… Should I quit? Or use a different strain? One that has grown naturally.

    I have an engagement rate of 31.27%. That’s really bad… I’m sad to see inequality, too. And that there are more engaging men than reached women. Thanks, anonymous €38.99 =/ €61.89 and thus €22.90 discount!

    Who’s unknown? 

    Can someone nudge a (potential) Graeyniss? A third… That really sucks… 

    Doesn’t the younger generation inform the elder generations? I like that in the eldest generation, I’m more popular than the total of the three generations before that. 

    I have been guessing people have been mistaking this for a porn site…

    I can’t see incognito searching. I mean for when people try to “stalk me”. If it’s for safeguarding, I don’t mind. AT ALL!!! 😀

    I think my actual reach is much larger.

    Time for eating and sleeping (is what I say to myself). I’m hungry and tired at the same time. I need to pee, too.

    I’m stuck in aso mode :D.

    Good night ♥

    xxx

    Today has just started, by the way

    It’s interesting how my settings sometimes change. Why would I schedule this article on a future date? I speak about what’s going on as I write, so the best publication moment is now.

    12:05

    Good afternoon…

    The man of the house has told me to pack my bags. I told him that I have a deadline and that I have no where else to go.

    He threatened to beat me, and I told him that he should do it, because he’s going to regret it. He said that this is his house and I am his daughter and thus I live under his rules. I told him that he’s not my biological father and that I have the right to live here, since I’ve lived here since I was 8.

    I don’t know how he got there, but at some point he said: “Then I’ll let you be unsubscribed from living in this house.” And I said: “Please do! I insist!”

    After some further arguing, he allowed me to finish cooking before leaving.

    They have planned a family therapy session in Amsterdam at 5 and I didn’t want to go. I already told them that at the last session.

    This arguing is such a waste of my time and energy

    When I told him about my deadline, he said: “No one reads LilFangs.com. If I would own a business, I would never hire you.”
    I said: “That’s no problem, because I am my own boss.”

    When my mother had joined the argument, at some point, I started to secretly make an audio recording. I’ll put it on SoundCloud? Hahahahahah. Maybe I’ll be able to sample it one day HAHAHAHA.

    It’s getting time for me to leave anyway, since I woke up to this text and those people from the “VIP team” [vroege interventie psychose team = early intervention for psychoses] have so much authority in this system, they could tell me to hand in my phone and stay in an isolation cell for weeks.

    I never made an appointment… They were one of the reasons why I ran away to the US. They’re soooooooo hard to get rid of. 

    Haha meoow real papa help mee. Save me from all of these people please. They’ve been trailing me since before I went missing the first time.

    16:12

    Before I leave, I want to edit the D.O.C.I.S. International website and eat some. I already packed. I packed much better than last time!

    Laptop bag + charger :D. Look at that dike. I’m glad this is my way out. Did you know this neighborhood is a “bathtub” in terms of dyke construction? 

    Not taking my Nintendo Switch this time

    18:25

    Another one x_x <– That is the short audio of a little bit of the last piece of ugh I could capture. It’s “another recorded argument”.

    By not making their voices unrecognizable, I’m breaking some privacy rules, but fuck this. Things were already fucked up anyway, in terms of their interference. 

    I need my Graeynissis :[.

    The D.O.C.I.S. International website is done. I have a very long set of train rides, so there, I’ll work on the ebook. Travelling first class was 0.90 cents cheaper due to too many people travelling second class :D.

    20:08

    I’m in the train, on my way to Berlin with 7 transits. One in Utrecht!  

    There is no reason to smile. I’m fang flexing

    From Germany, I have a train ride where I can sit all way through. I arrive on 05:54. 

    SOMEHOW. I LOST MY GLASSES. 

    D. O. C. I. S. International trains will definitely have music in them! 

    I’m on a high speed train that is like a twig from the perspective of an outerspace camera to the Earth. 

    20:47

    At this point in my life, I did not intend to be ON THIS TRAIN. AGAIN. 

    I was working towards my release D.O.C.I.S. on November 30th. 

    How’s the sabotaging business? 

    I’ve been losing a craaaazy amount of data and I know that real data never vanishes.

    As in if the memory of the computer it were on were to be analyzed, even after deletion, it will still be found :]. 

    But yes, I just lost a big piece of text, again. The most important points were:

    • Ahh sexy accentsss…. 😀
    • Rechts wonen? 😀 [By this I mean living on the right side of Earth looking from the perspective of the Netherlands. The sea is on the left side. The sea below sea level… It’s the safe side :D.]
    • Were Germany, Poland and Russia allies and were they red or blue? (Red, right?) I’m trying to learn about the history of the scheme THE NETHERLANDS have set up.  

      Gaan om twaalf uur Benoît zijn regels gelden? *moans*

      That is something from a beef with my “father” [the man who said ” *clap* GO!” in the audio file I uploaded earlier] had a craazy long time ago. I’m living through flashbacks… 

      It was the zillionth time I went downstairs to tell my parents: “Benoît will pick me up. Goodbye.” They say it was “a psychosis”, I say it was powerlessness. Powerlessness in the sense that I needed to get the fuck away from them, because they give me waaaay to much bad publicity and I don’t want to die a lie. Now I’m showing you what my worst type of self is, so that you know what to expect :D. 

      At some point he said: “I’m done with this. [I’ve been doing this for monthsssssssss.] If he hasn’t been here by twelve o’clock, the rules of your mother and I will become the new standard of this house.” 

      I hoped for him to come. I was fully offline in that period of my life. It was only The Head Cuddle and I… 

      Benoît didn’t come and thus my life became more hellish than before. 

      But that is now over! I’m never going back :D. 

      There’s still no Benoît in my life, though :'(.

      But meoow. The issue is that if I were as rich as people thought I’d be, I would be traveling to a much sunnier place right now. 

      But Berlin is a good alternative :D. Then I can continue this “background research”… When it comes to knowing the economical environment we all live in today. I still only know “the Dutch perspective”, since I’ve unfortunately spent most years of school there. [Meine vierte bis neunzehnte Lebensjahren(?)] 

      It’s funny when people think I’m a neonazi and I speak German. Because I’m not that person at all :D. 

      I couldn’t find my spots for the first class train before the train left, so I’m travelling second class now… Still comfortable :D. 

      Meow¿

      This is a leap of public privacy after marketing :D. 

      Rather here than in the Netherlands…

      I hope “my father” really sticks to his words of kicking me out of the house that is also the address of my company. Then I’m fully bound to taking it to California! 😀

      But I’m kind of tense from the energies in my body that make me want to kill “my father” and his allies. 

      I need to relax… 

      I am allowed to do this, “even though I have a deadline”

      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Tuesday, November 27, 2018

      00:37

      I can’t stand when I edit an online document and the connection drops and then it doesn’t save the recently added text x_x. 

      Tomorrow, I have nothing to do but writing. That’s nice :D. 

      The performance night was nice! It gave me a lot of things to think about and it brought back a lot of memories. 

      I smoked some weed, cleaned the tea boiler and made myself tea, analyzed my statistics like I do daily – just like a lot of reasoning in silence – and as usual, I feel the need to write everything down that is on my conscious at the end of the day, so that I ponder about it less when I go to sleep. 

      Something I would really like to see change is the basic format of a performance night. It is always “introduction speech, first performances, [break,] last performances, thanking”. For the benefit I want to organize and host myself, as Praesens of Re-Illu, I would like to propose a different format. There will be seven breaks and no introduction speech. I would like to do the introduction performance, and then the program could be followed by speeches and then I later tune in as a host. Maybe some more music, maybe more talking or more interactive things. Hopefully followed by me hosting the auction and the moment – in tune with the “webminar” – people can buy their charity gifts online. 

      That could be after the release of D.O.C.I.S… It’s very hard for me to find investors. That’s what I hope to change with this free ebook. 

      now I’m going to meditate in a stretching position and go to sleep

      If I were to listen to my body, I would say: “Fuck this deadline.” “Het is als trekken aan een dood paard.” That is a Dutch saying. Literally translated, it’s: “It’s like pulling a dead horse.” It means: “That moment when you are trying to get people excited and they just keep staring at you.”

      I love you so much

      I hope that someone will say “fuck it” since I don’t ever have a security team near me and my KvK registration number [it’s my personal identification number as tax registration number, in the business owner category] directs you to my home address and help me because I can only get medical assistance in Germany, because here the health care system says “Less is more.” [JUST LIKE MY INTERPUNCTION HAHA] And that the moment I will never live with mister and misses Elia [“my parents”] again will come way sooner. Does someone understand that I need more money for my health? There are white blood cells in my urine. I’m very approachable if you reach out to me first and you don’t say dumb shit :D. I don’t have energy for dumb shit :D. And emoji coding x_x. 

      We will succeed, my pesce. At some point, it will stop being just a fantasy… Just an idea you keep explaining to yourself so that you don’t forget it. [I’m immune to your meds now, ma :D.] Something that is now only a topic of conversation, because it’s not part of my life yet. Something that makes me feel so happy when I think about it and forget everything else around me. And then it makes me feel grief when I realize that I’m still stuck in my own routine. I’ve lived in this house SINCE I WAS 8. 

      I WANT MY PAPA :'[. Does anyone know where he is? I don’t know where he lives. I only have the information I got from his public page, but he doesn’t respond anymore when I try to reach him. 

      Ah meoow

      I dooon’t want to sleep alone :[.

      Plus, this is A VERY TOUGH AUDIENCE, so I would really appreciate the assistance of him and his fellow Graeynissis 😻.

      But I have no other option than saying

      Good night ♥

      xxx

      14:10

      Getting out of bed is such a challenge… I just finished eating. I made this picture before I started: [by means of indicating that I ate before 14:10… That’s still way too late for a first meal of the day, though]

      The mail isn’t mine

      I wonder if people ever looked up my address and tried to send me a letter. Ohh for non-Dutch people: it’s by searching the number in the footer of this page in “het Handelsregister“. My mother is the type of person who intercepts my mail to read through it. The only way I would find out she’s doing this – if there’s one thing I hate, it’s “family secrets” – is by that person who sent me the letter still reaching out to me in a different way. I wish I could write people… Typing more than 8 hours a day is not good for my piano fingers. 

      They say you should keep your personal information private, because people are crazy “these days”.  I’m going against those forms of indoctrination, to prove that they are absolute nonsense, as you might have noticed. I’ve been at it from the start and I’m still alive. My anonymous audience – the fixed number of unknown visitors – grows daily. The only thing we need to guarantee ourselves, is that we can assemble ourselves as a group, without being ambushed by the people who actually are crazy – for being crazy self-preservative and their willingness to rather destroy the entire economic system than do what is good for all of us, which is something I’m trying to end, especially because they have no idea what they’re doing, since the system has been made up once – trying to stop us from succeeding in our mission for eternal peace. 

      After some tea and some more food – still hungry – I’ll get ready to write down the essence of my business plans muy rapidooooo. In D.O.C.I.S.. By means of self-reference while writing:

      Determined

      • I will succeed in creating a parallel system
      • I will never stop
      • My intentions are harmless. My persistence is because I want to grow old in a peaceful world

      Observative

      • Observation is, in my system, meant for knowing when to step in to help someone
      • There is a broad range of purposes in the new system, which are fully adaptable to the personality of the person coming to live in it
      • The system of economical accountability, within the new system I want to create, doesn’t allow for fraudulent behavior.

      15:38

      I had a random encounter with a friend of my sister’s. I don’t know where my sister is. I was still at rest before she left.

      When I was smoking just now, I was searching for “sportieve (sportive) laarzen (boots)”. “Adi Dassler”… On the Adidas website, I searched for boots for wintersport… 

      Fam… The cheapest are €279.59….. 

      The weather is so cold here x_x. 

      I feel like on December 17th, I need to stop accepting money from the Dutch government (“Zorgtoeslag en Studiefinanciering”) from then, there are the payment dates [twintig (20) december en vierentwintig (24) december].  I want to start earning for myself. It’s cold as fuck and I need boots……

      I haven’t earned anything yet. I haven’t even installed my personal payment settings for Google Ads yet…

      So the recruitment…

      There are three levels and you may choose what level you follow throughout the rest of the Nosce Te Ipsum project:

      • Practitioner

      The Practitioner is part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. He or she gains access to gathering locations on earthly compounds – after we’ve established them – by completing the online questionnaire that comes with every Nosce Te Ipsum episode after signing up at the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ll get to that around the 29th… 

      [An e-mail survey?]

      Excuse me while I clear myself from a disturbance…

      • Illuminatus

      [Chair level Senate @ Re-Illu]

      • Illuminatus Intelligens

        Chair level Parliament [of the private holding D.O.C.I.S. International [is what I hope, since I’m looking for investors…]]

        How about a “bring your own pan” tea party? At the festival? 

        I’m still busy

        23:17

        Last year around this time, I was in the hospital. 

        I think my B and his fellow Graeynissis are able to decipher this. Are you a Graeyniss? Would you like to become One? 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, November 26, 2018

        01:06

        My Cuddle ♥

        It is four days until the release of the free ebook D.O.C.I.S..

        I have shown images of company logos for free on my website, in case you want to press charges and/or need information on this. 

        The Facebook ad might have directed me to you…

        These topics are consciously picked, though… [[though]=Doch, in German :D. I included a mini language course in German in my diary post]

        If you have just discovered this, I mentioned in earlier online diary episodes, I keep a diary while I am trying to find an investor. The “recruitment” [I am the one who is searching…] of D.O.C.I.S. International is explained in the free ebook D.O.C.I.S.. 

        D.O.C.I.S. International is now my sole proprietor business for which I pay tax to the country I was born in. 

        After November 30th, I want to start working on organizing a festival and a(n online) benefit. For this part of the project, I want to make gifts with essentials based on the basic needs that depend on what country the person receiving the gift lives in. 

        It will be in the Stratagem chapter. 

        I need to cut down on diary posts… 

        And staring into my phone screen

        It’s not good for the environment and it’s not good for my health. 

        I did some night time yoga, I drank the same night time tea [I think it’s time for new variation] and now I’m going to bed. I’ve been dealing with so many nightmares and so much stress from financial trouble [I think I’m hungrier than most people if you would compare it on body rate level… I’m hungry again. I don’t have any self-bought food in the house besides what I used to make the mashed potatoes with.] that it’s hard for me to go to sleep. Am I going crazy? Do you want to bust me for writing? 

        I think a tablet that works with the touch screen pen would speed up making my deadline? 

        That means I have another reason to quickly go outside and cycle! I’m going to put an alarm for tomorrow. My daily routine needs to be adjusted better in order for me to make my deadline. “There’s more food during the day.” Papa? :[ [I’m a night person :D] 

        Monday is my cooking day, just like Saturday. I live in the Netherlands. 

        10:30 AM “Amsterdam time”

        – Trying to get myself out of bed… Maybe lake once more… 

        – Brush teeth and then make pourridge met gestoofd fruit 

        – Shower etc.

        – Maybe write depending on how long it took me to get out of bed

        15:00 

        – Selecting and purchasing the tablet. That’s an investment… *****

        – Buying groceries x_x

        17:30

        – Finish Determined, start Observative

        – Cooking preparations etc. 

        00:00

        – “Night time ritual”

        I don’t know what I’ll make yet…

        ***** Since I “””actually””” “make myself look richer than I truly am”. I can’t make a living, so I live with my parents. Lately, I’ve started to think that it’s “my parents”. I don’t look like the person whose last name I carry. There are no food shops open and there’s no suitable amount of food to cook that would satisfy my hunger. But I have some mashed potatoes left still… 😀

        Ich bin ein Ausländer, wenn meine Mutter Zwei “Side Hoes” hätte und denn nicht wusste, von welche den “Little One” “ist/war/würde”. Bin ich Italienisch[e¿ I want to get back to working on my German grammar and learning Italian/Latin, as well as maaaanyyyy other things…]? 😻 Would then Professor Crutzen be my father? 😻😻😻

        The hunger might be an issue that comes with my different anatomy.

        After that, I’m going to sleep. 

        It’s now 03:19 

        Good night

        xxx – 

        Ohh my sister’s piano performance is tonight… Then no tablet? The one I really want is more expensive than I can buy anyway… 

        13:08

        Heeyy

        I already wrote a long piece, earlier, but because I used emojis in this post even earlier and I didn’t re-insert the code and then ¿¿¿, that piece of text is now gone. 

        I’m pushing myself to my limits 24/7. I probably have a serious physical illness (maybe even multiple), yet still I set aside going to the doctor again – in Germany – for the deadline I had set for myself two months ago. 

        ~

        ~

        When Project Nosce Te Ipsum officially starts – that is when there is active engagement – I will heavily cut down on writing diary posts. And using the computer. 

        We’ll – if you postpone reading D.O.C.I.S. “because you hate to read”, I don’t mean you – be having a lot of meetings that really are fun. I want to work during the holidays. There must be people out there who want to do that, too. (Is it you?) I want to organize a Christmas benefit. That’s part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. 

        I’m so tired that I’m going to take a little nap before grocery shopping. 

        16:00

        I decided to walk to the store(s) instead of cycling, so that I can tell you my motive for change:

        The greatest “financial bubbles” of this economy are, if you’d ask me:

        • Streaming services 
        • Social media news services  
        • The advertising industry 
        • The weapon industry
        • Customer service
        • Student loans
        • Cryptovaluta… 

        In my parallel system, the value of money will be defined by the rate between the amount of people and the  amount of space owned by the corporate state of D.O.C.I.S. International. 

        It is important that when you earn something, you give something of value to all of society back in return. 

        I just bought such tasty truffle cheese 😻

        The entire existence of my country of birth is a financial bubble on top of an oil spill. Het staat als een huis onder het niveau van de zee HAHAHAHAHAHA.

        “Het staat als een huis” is a saying that means that the construction has a strong fundament. “Onder het niveau van de zee” is below sea level. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE AND FUCKING ABSURD AT THE SAME TIME. AND THIS SYSTEM BORES ME DUS LATEN WE HET SAMEN SLOPEN EN ER IETS NIEUWS VOOR IN DE PLAATS NEERZETTEN.

        To use dykes to make artificial land and to then overpopulate it and artificially harvest on it… Those who have been profiting from it have had enough fun with their money now, I think.

        In the Netherlands, there’s no space for what I want to do, because of the overpopulation.
        For the long term sustainability of the environment, it’s best to flood it and start over with a clean slate. “We” can’t keep on living like couch potatoes anyway. And because of the existence of the website https://overstroomik.nl, we all know that it’s going to happen anyway, whether we initiate the flooding ourselves or not. When I was making the Facebook ad campaign, it became harder and harder for me to include more countries – I actually want to reach every country in the world, my choice of English over Dutch confirms it – and for some reason I wasn’t able to pick the Netherlands anymore. But it’s better, because the more than 17 million individuals on this small piece of land can’t all emigrate, when non-value jobs vanish, because we should do things NATURALLY and sustainable [NOT ARTIFICIAL AND “SUSTAINABLE”].

        I chose California, because I used to watch the O.C. and I fell in love with the idea of living close to the beach and having so much living space and sun and sophisticated people…

        I forgot to buy ribs x_x. I’ll be walking back.

        I’m so tired that I want to say fuck the deadline,because there are more chapters than days left and especially in this snake country I call hell, chances are high that people will use it to profit from it themselves and not engage.

        17:04

        The butcher doesn’t sell unseasoned ribs x_x. Echt typisch. I try to avoid as many artificial sweeteners as possible. 

        So then I’ll make something with the duck meat that was in the freezer. I try to avoid frozen foods as well, but with “my parents” that is fucking mission impossible. 

        I wonder if I’ll have time to write today… Since there’s the school performance night of my sister. I went to the same high school… I’ve been avoiding reminders of that time in my life since I went missing. I already hated having switched to a different school, but I still thought of it as “all right” until I found out how many of the people from that phase in my life are actually snakes. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, November 25, 2018

        13:42

        Good afternoon!♥

        How’s your weekend?

        What’s your opinion on the existence of the weekend?

        On the island D.O.C.I.S. International intends to start, the rhythm of functions of days is not that fixed. Your days off are adapted to what your body needs.

        In my current life, it isn’t fixed either. I work every day…? Usually people get paid to work, haha…..

        I’m promoting my locally hosted ebook on social media… What the fuck happened to our society that that now currently social media sets the standard for the public… 

        Now, I’m playing along, but know that after the release things will be different. Making the deadline is going to be tight, but I’m going to believe it. I will shut so many people up by doing it, so I’m very eager to succeeeeed!!!!! [They don’t think I’ll make it…]

        I’ll be working in the library today…

        16:08

        After I finish my first meal of the day, of course… 

        Every time I go to the university, I hope I’ll run into Professor Crutzen… I haven’t been able to reach him ever since my mother called the cops on us… I miss him :(.

        Call it breakfastt

        I don’t have internet on my laptop, in the library, so I’ll working on the PDF file there. It’s because I’m an enrolled student in a long distance university in the UK and I can’t access the Dutch eduroam…  

        By the way, I’m now so desperate to find a way to make it to California, that I have spent €29 on Heart of Gold… 

        I also hope to find investors there – instead of in the Netherlands because FUCK. THE. DUTCH. TAX. SYSTEMMMM. – and I hope they’re enthusiastic about the Graeynissis who live here, who I want to take with me to the corporate compound I want to start in Cali, before our corporate island is finished… It’s “getting out of this life and this system ASAP”… For all of the members of The D.O.C.I.S. Community! 

        16:51

        I’m trying to do some pre-marketing before release marketing. My real engagement on popular social media is less than 0. I buy most of my likes and followers myself… By means of incentivizing someone to read my words, I try to make it seem more popular for regular people. It’s up to you to decide whether you find that you’re a regular person or not. If you’re reading this, I think you’re much more than a regular person. You’re a God!

        I’m an author (partially)… They should allow text-only posts? Take non-dumb people into consideration, too, please…

        An audience can only be too broad when you sell touchable items…

        I’m doing pre-marketing before release marketing, so that people know that there’s a book coming… 

        There’s a huge gap between my reading audience and the audience I’m trying to inform of the changes I want to make. I hope to be able to bridge this gap, but trying to get people to read is soooo fucking tough… 

        18:08 

        I only have internet on my phone here, so the changes to the online article will be made when I get back home… 

        The reason why I came here, to the library – besides hoping to see my Graeynissis – is because at “my parents’ house”, where I live, the sound of the television was getting on my nerves again. There are much more important things to talk about, such as the decay of the Netherlands….. 

        If you’re new here: welcome! There’s enough here to entertain yourself with, if you like the topics I think about… 

        19:58

        So, as I’ve mentioned a few times before, by means of telling you that I’m not monitoring your web behavior – no offense, but you need to know that it doesn’t interest me that much, because I’d rather get to know you by talking to you instead of stalking you, so even if I were able to, I still wouldn’t do it – know that I can only see totals and no individuals. I can see that three people on instagram have saved my post. That has never happend before, in my entire life! I can’t see who saved it, but I love you! You’re one of a kind!! 

        The government of the country I live in can see everything, by the way. On D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang, our wallets in our parallel and FULLY legal financial system will be visibly intertwined – we all share – so there’s no need for us to dig for dirt with surveillance, the way ugh does, because we’re a loving community who has better things to do, such as making a real change. 

        I’m really happy with the way the ebook is developing itself :]. (As in with the storyline I’m coming up with on the spot, while I break down my business strategy again, trying to find the words that will make people understand…) I’ll show it to you, when I go home. 

        Ah meow since when does this building close at 9¿

        Every time I hear some security person (obsolete on Planet Fang) say that the building is about to close, I think: “But I don’t want to leave :'(.” 

        I’m going for a quick wiri pitstop first… 😀

        22:50

        The earlier BikeFangs, who, after writing at the university, cycled to the coffeeshop to buy some weed (€8) and then cycled home:

        Dinner made by my sister was nice! 

        This is annoying… My “doelgroep” [= target audience] is people who read so I want a lot of textt… 

        Te veel tekst ahahahahah

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Saturday, November 24, 2018

        00:15

        My Cuddle ♥

        How’s your night?

        You should know that I haven’t earned anything yet from my sole proprietorship. I hope that giving out my works for free will induce people to earn a title through graduating from the [hopefully to be obtained after the release…] Fangyist School, and, if investors are found, [The first Person I asked to be my investor was mister *my last name*. My father. Right. He declined my proposal. This was around. He also refused to pay for me doing web maintenance for him.)> Since then, April 2017, I’ve been scared to ask for investments… Me releasing D.O.C.I.S. is me trying again] live on a compound on real estate owned by The D.O.C.I.S. Community, on the journey of finding sustainable options for the development of our environment. The free ebook D.O.C.I.S. proposes some solutions I hope somone is interested in investing in.]> (<- that is something I added after revising the text I wrote for spelling errors and missing brackets after having uploaded the article already) 

        Do you see the stoplight in the distance? That’s how close I live to the dike/road.

        The statistics image I showed you came with the web names I bought [docis.international and lilfangs.com] at the web host. 

        If your phone is on and your location tracker as well, the apps you allow to track your location communicate via the internet to inform you about the service they deliver to you. I don’t have fancy tracking software. I can only see a top 5 of countries in the current month that are trending at that time. I write down the location in my article. 

        I hope you want to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. It’s the type of community I miss in my current life, since there are so many problems in our world that need more immediate solutions. They can’t keep on going like this. I have ideas I would like to put into practice, but that is only when you elect me as Praesens [long story…] of Re-Illu. 

        Every time I write for a deadline [the book The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum includes two previous deadlines and a bonus chapter] the the climax of my writing speed is around three days before the actual deadline. Now I’m starting a little bit earlier…?

        Moet ik mijn tanden bleken? Ik heb dat nog nooit eerder gedaan, believe me. 

        Mini fangs¿

        It has been soo long since I’ve seen my eyes change.

        And since I’ve used this camera angle. “Who do I look like…”

        With this data package at my webhost, I can’t upload videos from my phone. 

        My lack of success is the reason why I find it hard to smile for a picture. 

        Meow1

        Meow2

        I’m ashamed of this facial expression. Yet still I share it. I intend to do things differently from the mainstream. 

        Okayy back to writing. Somehow often I’m in the mood to write, slightly tired, but not willing to go to sleep and eager to get myself to more comfortable working space. Hiding tears 24/7 yay

        After I’ve made myself my night time tea (I need to get more regular with following my doctor’s advice against insomnia)…

         The D.O.C.I.S. article will be edited live. As I upload this, it is 02:52 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. [I wonder what time that is in your timezone, my international Cuddles ♥. You could follow the editing of the article live.] After I’ve made the tea and selected something to eat, haha. That will about 10 minutes starting from 03:07 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. I’ll make a comment section where you could comment on it below. I hope you will! 

        If you would check my phone’s system time, I swear you would see that this picture is taken on 03:16 and this clock is still on Summer time and I’m way too lazy to change it. 

        #no-ad

        P

        03:56 

        So now anyone can comment, if I configured it well… It’s a major risk move, when it comes to the protection of self-history blended into shared (environmental, often current) history and the risk of people hacking my website… But it’s the only way for me to get to know my audience, since I – other than what came with my web names – have no fancy tracking software, unlike the Dutch government, haha. 

        05:57

        I’m making my bed

        Je kan de springveren er doorheen zien zitten [klinkt als een spreekwoord hahahahahahahahahahahahah]

        Feel free to influence what I’m talking about, through the comment section. I’m curious about what you’ll have to say. 

        I think my anonymous audience is much larger than I can see. I feel like other people know secrets that everyone in my environments hides from me. 

        You are, of course, free to say whatever. I hope this will be a loving and fruitful comment section. If you don’t like what I write, but yet still you read everything, and you want to write some hateful shit, go ahead, too, of course. I intend to respond to every single comment and I might be able to, depending on how many people will be placing comments. You don’t have to share your personal information (name and email) , because I care more about what you have to say, than I care about marketing.  

        I’m too driven to make my deadline to follow my doctor’s advice about resting, currently. Typing that reminds me that I need to make an appointment for the urine test to find out why there are white blood cells in my urine and for osteopathy. I intend to see the doctor after the deadline, because it takes so much time and I can’t relax when I have a deadline… The deadline is not that serious if I have no audience. This – the placing of the comment section – is a moment of truth. It’s good that it’s included now, because now you know my backgound. I hope what the turn out will be. (On the 30th… I hope I can get some pre-hype…) 

        By the way, did you know that I’m super crazy? 

        Here are some other pictures I made today and yesterday, but I hadn’t uploaded them yet. 

        Sometimes I make jokes to the Head Cuddle and then laugh about it myself

        And then I start missing someone…

        Dealing with the CuddleFace (it’s a type of facial expression…)

        Back to thinking: “What type of facial expression suits my writing where I’ll upload this…?”

        Meow

        Almost my natural facial expression with reference to my current emotions

        Trying to crack a smile part 629

        Meow6

        My second meal of the day

        Meowww

        Yay. My steak was sooooooooo goooooood meoooww

        It’s 07:20 am now. I’m off to bed… Good morning ♥ hahaha. See you later 😀

        15:06

        Good afternoon ♥

        What are your thoughts on me placing a comment section below a diary post? 

        It’s quite controversial, since I sometimes discuss things that concern us all – mostly related to our global environment – and sometimes I get lost the negative feelings I get from suppression in my local environment. 

        [Ref to “our global environment”] What are your views on environmental change? I don’t read any scientific news. My views are intuitive and the common knowledge I remember from when I was in school. If I were to follow scientific news, I can only truly trust it, when I hear it from the scientist him or herself. 

        If you like gazing at the TV screen 24/7, chances are high that you and I live in completely different worlds. Interesting, isn’t it? 
        [Ref to “sometimes…suppression”] From that one picture with that one angle

        [I must say that I like the picture]

        It has been so long since I’ve made slight eye contact on a picture [in real life, too, but that still depends on how much I like the person I’m with at that time. If I disagree with that person’s views too much and because of that person’s persistence, the only way for me to make this person see what I mean is by screaming, but I think screaming at each other isn’t good and that person will probably never understand, I just avoid eye contact and try to calm myself down internally 

        I’m now quite certain that the people I’ve called my parents all my life are not my parents. I wonder if my real papa reads this. AND I WONDER WHY THE FUCK I’M STILL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE. PLEASE STOP WITH JUST WATCHING ME TYPE!!! TYPING AS MUCH AS I DO ISN’T EVEN HEALTHY. I want to live with papa!! But they’ve separated me from him with police and all that shit… I need someone with more power to be able to be with my real father, who I believe is my other half. He’s also one of the few people who’ll understand the full content of my book series.  

        My last name – Elia – says that I’m already living with papa, since it is mister Elia’s house where I have my bedroom in. If my last name, Elia, is the right name for me, I would be of Surinamese Creole, Boeroe (offspring of Dutch slave owners in Suriname), Surinamese Native [from my mother’s side], Jamaican and Bahamian [from mister Elia’s side] descent. 

        I think my eyes tell a different story. I think being Surinamese Creole, Boeroe, Surinamese Native [my mother] and an Italian mix [*the origin of professor Crutzen…* I don’t know his exact origin (YET, RIGHT?)] makes more sense. 

        Our paths crossed by coincidence, when I was in his lectures in the second block of IBEB in 2016. Then, I didn’t know that he was my father. I don’t carry his last name, so believe me. 

        Do you know more about this? Who was involved in the decision making process, when I was given my birth name (Dominique Daniëlle Elia)? 

        Mind you that I’ve recovered from severe memory loss several times. My habit of writing is something I do to make sure that I never forget myself again. Restoring my memory I do by reading back. Before I started to write online this year, I’ve been writing old school, with pen and paper, all my life. 

        Me saying that I suddenly think that someone I’ve been having a crush on could be my actual father and then directly saying his name here [I’ll do it again (since he’s all over my diary in previous posts and people might not memorize what they read): Benoît Crutzen], sparks so many different emotions:

        • I feel anger mixed with hysteria from the thought of mister and misses Elia casually keeping me from him, with the deal they made with the police and some parties in the Dutch psychiatric industry. They had been telling me that Benoît isn’t real and that he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Every day I begged to see him and they kept giving me antipsychotics because of that. 
        • I feel that I might feel relief and happiness in the future, if I’d be reunited with my B ♥. Some positively powerful external parties will need to regard attention to this, though, to make sure we get out of this complicated scheme alive – I’m saying without being assassinated – since we naturally know far too much about a corrupt scheme, to be reaching out to the public. They know we’ll end up exposing them, because they can’t go on sabotaging our world like this. 
        • I feel sad about the moments my emotions wanted me to feel a loving fatherly embrace [basically always…], and he wasn’t there. 
        • I feel anger from them LETTING ME LIVE A LIE and embarrassed about me believing the lie and telling people that I’m Bahamian and Jamaican….

        This makes me think: am I supposed to receive child support? May I be paid in Cuddles?♥ If mister and misses Elia are receiving it without telling me: my income is so low that I can’t pay for my own food and shelter. Ik zou echt zo onbeschrijfelijk boos worden als ze dat met me hebben gedaan… That’s why I live in this house instead of on my own. 

        I pray that the success in terms of engagement from the free ebook will lead investors to me, and that the success that comes from that will allow me to constitute D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang as an independent state, on which I can live with people who want the same type of freedom, who are willing to work for that the way I did. 

        If it’s true that biologically, I should have been named Dominique Daniëlle Crutzen, I INSIST THAT THIS BECOMES OFFICIALLY AND LEGALLY CHANGED RIIIIGHT NOW [but typing this will not change my captivation so please help haha]. I AM A BUSINESS OWNER. MY BIRTH NAME SHOULD BE CORRECT. That name sounds sexier, too. If we’re changing my name, I want it to even become Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen. Consider Lucy the controversial tattoo that will make dumb people think I’m Satan’s spawn, while I mean a modernized version of the Latin words “lux ferre”, which means “light bringer”.

        I’m still in bed and I haven’t eaten anything yet. I need to cook dinner tonight. What to make? I wish people would respect my deadline and not give me childish tasks “I need to learn for when I grow up”. If I were to live on my own – I might not have the money for it, but I do know how to run a household – I wouldn’t have to cook for four people but just one or something. And it’s “four Surinamese people” so trippy portions. 

        By “Feel free to influence what I’m talking about,” I meant that I would love it if you’d ask me questions, I could then elaborately answer in the diary post. It could be about anything, sensitive topics included too, of course, since they need attention, too. 

        17:54

        En dit was de druppel die mij in een ander systeem wil laten leven:

        The government has given me an estimated amount of income tax of €5000 and two fines for being late with a total of €215. DIE €5000 IS ZO ABSURD. JE KAN TOCH MIJN BANKREKENINGRN ZIEN? DAN WEET JE TOCH DAT IK DIT NIET HEB. JE WIL €5000 VAN ME? LAAT ME JE FUCKING BEREKENING ZIEN DAN? IK HEB GEEN KANKER CENT VERDIEND. IK HEB NU GEWOON TOT 11 DECEMBER OM IN HOGER BEROEP TE GAAN. AMERIKA, WIL JE ME ALSJEBLIEEEEFT HELPEN? IK BEN NIET EENS EEN FUCKING NEDERLANDER. THANK GOD FOR THAT, BY THE WAY. 

        DAT GELD VOOR HET TE LAAT INDIENEN GEEF IK JE, MAAR DIE €5000… HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND? 

        Currently, I’m my own accountant, but for this, especially because of the anonymous “viral” popularity of my website, they’ll want to put dirt on me and come out as the party the public loves, so they might ambush me one day to check my books and then want to frame me for shit. My parents might be able to give you so much money, but if I WOULD HAVE €5000 TO SPEND I WOULD BE IN MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN CALIFORNIA RIGHT NOW. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS.

        My facial expression knowing that I’m innocent AND THIS COUNTRY MIGHT MEAN THE DEATH OF ME SO PLEASE TAKE ACTION. THEY PROFIT OFF OF FAKE NEWS!!!! THEY’RE GOING TO FRAME ME… I’VE EXPOSED THEM TOO MUCH… 

        The thing is also that with D.O.C.I.S. International, when this company might get its first investors after the release of the second episodes, I want to become the biggest player in the game. So then, a fine of €5000 also doesn’t even suit the income model of the organization, since we’ll be making  billions then and thus our taxes would be a looot more as well. But by then I want to have moved to the U.S. BECAUSE THE FUCKING INSANE GOVERNMENT OF THIS COUNTRY THAT IS DESTROYING THE EARTH WITH ITS EXISTENCE – I’M TALKING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS – IS MILKING ITS CITIZENS FOR TAX MONEY AND THEY GIVE NOTHING BUT DISASTER, DISEASE AND DESTRUCTION IN RETURN. GOD DAMMIT I NEED A PUNCHING BAAAAAAG. 

        The last time the government gave me a fine – when I started this blog – I just said yes when my mother offered to pay it, because I didn’t have the money, because I DIDN’T EARN SHIT BACK THEN AS WELL and I wasn’t in the mood for the drama that comes with going in appeal. BUT THIS FINE IS OUTRAGEOUS. IF I WOULD HAVE MORE THAN €5000, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A DUTCH CITIZEN BY NOW. I WOULD BE HAPPILY BLENDING INTO THE US CULTURE AND MAKING BIG CHANGES. I WANT TO MEET THE PRESIDENT. THE HISTORY OF THE US HAS BROUGHT MUCH MORE POSITIVITY IN THIS WORLD THAN THE HISTORY OF THE NETHERLANDS. THE HISTORY OF THE NETHERLANDS IS ABOUT PIRACY, SLAVE TRADE AND OTHER SCHEMES THEY DESTROY OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES WITH BECAUSE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE THE GREATEST MATERIALISTS THIS PLANET HAS EVER KNOWN. 

        In the mean time, I’ll be showering and going grocery shopping for dinner. There’s €606.69 on my debit account AND I NEED THAT FOR SEEING MY DOCTOR IN FUCKING GERMANY SO KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT TINY BIT OF MONEY I HAVE. There’s -€6.13 on my corporate account SO GO TO HELL. SIX EUROS AND THIRTEEN CENTS. ARE YOU GOING TO JAIL ME, THEN, SINCE I CAN’T PAY YOUR FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS FINE. YOU BETTER BACK UP YOUR CALCULATIONS, BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME MORE THAN NOW. 

        I AM NOT DOING BUSINESS FOR PROFIT. I AM TRYING TO MAKE A CHANGE. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? YOU’LL GET YOUR €215 AND MY STUDENT DEBT AND AFTER THAT YOU WIL NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER SEE OR HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. FUCK THIS PLACE. 

        IN MY SYSTEM, WE LIVE IN PEACE. THE MONEY WE OWN IS SHARED AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER GIVE ANYONE A FINE BECAUSE THAT MONEY IS NOT REAL MONEY YOU’VE GOT ANYTHING FOR IN RETURN. THE ONLY THING YOU GET FOR WHAT YOU PAY, THEN, IS AN ENORMOUS FUCKING HEADACHE. 

        WHEN WE SHARE ONE WALLET, WE’RE TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. BUT DISGUSTING MONEY HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE THIS ARE NOOOOOOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT, BECAUSE THEY’LL NOT DO ANYTHING GOOD WITH IT. PROJECT NOSCE TE IPSUM IS A FILTER. I’M GLAD I NEVER ASKED THIS IMPERSONATION OF PUKE FOR AN INVESTMENT. 

        THIS COUNTRY – THE NETHERLANDS – IS SUCH A BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. 

        “LAAT ME JE BEREKENING ZIEN DAN?” IS: “SHOW ME YOUR CALCULATIONS, THEN?” THEY CAN MONITOR MY BANK ACCOUNTS – ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WANT ME TO STAY OUT OF THE UNITED STATES – BUT STILL YOOOOOUUUU ARE THE ONE COMITTING FRAUD BY OVERCHARGING ME AND THEN GIVING ME A FUCKING PAYMENT DATE. BEGIN JE FUCKING ZWEMBANDJES MAAR AAN TE DOEN WANT DIT IS GESTOOOOOOOOORD.  

        GEWOON VAN DE EEN OP DE ANDERE DAG HOOR JE INEENS: “OH, JAA IK KRIJG NOG MEER DAN €5000 VAN JE.” JE HELPT DIT LAND ALLEEN MAAR NAAR DE TYFUS DUS IK WIL SOWIESO NIET DAT JE MIJN GELD KRIJGT. 

        ALS MIJN VADER EEN BELG IS, MAG IK DAN OOK DE BELGISCHE NATIONALITEIT? IK WIL UIT DIT VIEZE SYSTEEM. 

        19:23

        *Sarcastic yay* fucking grocery shopping for fucking dinner. Solo, as usual. 

        If they want to give me an ankle bracelet: I’d rather get the death penalty or go to jail, just so you know. Fuck this house. But I hope together with my lawyer my innocence will be proved. The thing with the public is that I think my material is far too complex for them and thus opinions will be formed based on what other people say about it instead of what you hear from me. In this society, news is always about people doing things bad, and thus even my intentions are good, the FUCKING SHEEEEEEEEEEEP will play the “Oh my goddd eww did you know Lil Fangs blah blah this and that…”-game. While I’M TRYING TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO WORK TOGETHER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  

        Je denkt toch niet dat ik voor mijn plezier bij de ANWB werkte? 

        Ohh by the way, these motherfuckers will get €65 and not €215 BECAUSE THAT €5000+ IS SUCH BULLSHIT OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW DARE YOUUUUUU. FIND A REAL WAY TO EARN BIIIIIIIITCH. 

        20:11

        BikeFangs

        This country is so obsessed with discussing vague shit like this. Those conversations don’t fucking lead to anything. Take actionnnnnnnnn

        The only reason why I go to the supermarket, is because I want that the food I make has nutrutional value and the way my mother does grocery shopping is different. Even though it might not be visible, I care a lot about sustainability. I, for example, used a smaller bowl for my marinade, so that there are less dishes and thus the dish washer doesn’t have to be on as often. 

        My marinade is of thyme, paprika powder and hoisin sauce

        I GIVE MY RECIPE DRAFTS AWAY FOR FREE. IF YOU KNEW THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH I’VE DECIDED TO GIVE INSTEAD OF TO TAKE, AND YET ALL PEOPLE DO IS THROW SHADE FROM A DISTANCE. Not all people, of course, but the fact that it happens is such a thorn in my eye. 

        AAAAAAARGH. 

        Every. Time. I think my bad luck has reached its climax, and then it becomes worse. I hope my book release will bring me to safety. 

        To make my deadline, I’ll have to cut down on writing in my diary… But it’s so addictive ah meoww…

        20:58

        Simple dinner is served. 

        I wish I could try fruits and vegetables I’ve never tried before, though

        I mashed the potatoes with red coal, cinnamon and spinach. 

        21:06 

        Mid-eating

        I’m enthusiastic about getting high after dinner and working further on my book release. 

        23:02

        The coffeeshop that sells weed to the customer pays tax to the government, in the Dutch “Gedoogdbeleid”. 

        Once a day keeps the doctor away?

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, November 23, 2018

        13:50

        Meow… 

        I just managed to get myself out of bed. 

        How’s your day?  

        I hope it’s great as far as life can be great in this fucking sheepy and unnecessarily violent world. 

        My hands are shaking out of hunger, but there’s no food I’m in the mood for. 

        Did you know I’m anti supermarket? It drains all of the quality out of food. 

        What to make, of which I haven’t made a variation yet? 90% of things are past due. In my household, I would do grocery shopping based on what I’ll eat and not throw shit in the cart like it’s a basketball game. 

        I’m just going to fry an egg with some vegetables. And plantain? 

        Be right backk. I want to continue to elaborate on what exactly pisses me off and thus should change about today’s global culture. And I want to vent some things about the heartache I’ve lived with all my life and how this could have been caused by growing up without my father. We can’t take back the time we’ve missed together, but if this is true, we damn sure need to live together, because I don’t want this heartache to persist. It would be crazy to find out. I don’t remember what my mother has told me when I was little. I solely remember the scene, because I get short vivid flashbacks from my youth every now and then. (Especially when I’m high…) It would be beyond crazy (but comfortingly cool) to realize that our paths have crossed again, by coincidence. But then my heart aches from the thought of him seeing me and me talking to him, while I didn’t know that he’s my father. I just saw him as the mysterious man who made such a good impression on me that I fell in love with him and the way our personalities are the same, until that flashback from a conversation with my mother, when she came for a night time conversation, before going to bed, when I was about 4 years old. My sister wasn’t there yet. I remember her bringing me children’s books about sexuality and conversations about my identity. That was what I saw in that flashback of the high of a few days ago. That made me think of that the deeper connection between us could just be our DNA? Then it’s also possible to have a Head Cuddle (natural¿) device for sure. He was 25 when I was 0 and my mother was 34? “My father” (mister Elia) was about 27. 

        Do I have to wait until I’m 25 to see him again? I fucking hope not because my heartache makes me pissed, because it’s solvable but I depend on others in this. And I’m hungry. 

        My heart also aches from the thought of me sitting across him, and him then playing along in my conversation, without mentioning that I’m his daughter, and I didn’t know… If I knew, I would live with my father by now and this traumatizing life would have been a very distant memory. 

        I don’t know how to feel about my mother. The way she “softens herself”, mentioning everything she can’t do al all other things related to failure in detail, makes me feel so sorry for her. At the same time, her words can easily split my heart in two, but when I want to express the anger it causes, I naturally hold back, because I know that I could completely destroy her with my words. But she really needs to start letting me go, because this house brings back sooo many memories I do NOT want to cross my mind. I’VE LIVED HERE SINCE I WAS 8. EXACTLY THIS FAMILY SETTING. IF I KNEW HE WAS MY FATHER THEN, and I would have had the knowledge of life and snakes I have today, I WOULD [if I’ve ever been given the option to live with my father already, they’ll definitely have used peer pressure on me, saying shit like: “You’re used to living with us, now. Are you sure you want to move in with a strange man? We love you so much blah blah. HEY IF YOU’VE ASKED ME THIS, PLEEEASEEE ASK AGAIN!!!] HAVE MOVED IN WITH HIM FOR SUREE. ADOPT MEEE. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAMEE. My meow :'(.

        It seems quite like me to hit on him when I was a kid… I was much more sexually confident and curious back then. (Now it’s “zzzzzz” towards most people.) These days I don’t even hit on people anymore. Most of them just convince themselves that I’m attracted to them and then things could lead to sex without me having that intention. I’m waiting for this super grey (not literally) and very intelligent model-like Cuddle from a good family. 

        I’ll leave you with this quote I saw in the status of someone. I didn’t say anything to that person, of course, because why would I start a conversation about how seeing that quote made me want to fight someone. If someone would cite this to me, that person would get bitch slapped for sure:

        “If you feel like you’re losing everything, remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and wait for better days to come.”

        MATTIE. YOU CANNOT. USE THE DESCRIPTION OF THE CYCLE OF A TREE. TO SAY THAT SOMEONE SHOULDN’T FEEL FUCKED UP. DON’T COMPARE SOMEONE WHO FEELS LIKE SHIT TO A TREE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN BY PEOPLE ACTING LIKE THEY’RE GHANDI, WITH THEIR QUOTES, BUT STILL THAT PERSON WHO WOULD FEEL LIKE HE/SHE’S LOSING EVERYTHING WOULD KILL HIM OR HERSELF THE NEXT DAY, BECAUSE THIS SHALLOW SHIT IS SO FUCKING MEANINGLESS OH MY GODDDD. It’s not even healthy to talk to yourself like that. 

        If you feel fucked up, it’s important to get all of the “fucked up” out of your system, so DO NOT EVER GIVE SOMEONE A FUCKING SHITTY COMPARISON AS A REASON TO SUPPRESS NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. 

        Also, standing tall and waiting isn’t going change much to the life of a human being, if you don’t at least put in a very slight bit of effort. 

        15:02

        Zoek de verschillen. What type of vegetable have I added? [By means of entertainment. I know that it’s a *bleep*.] <- I keep adding “I’m not motherfucking goddamn stupid” disclaimers to my forms of creativity, because in my environment people keep wanting to prove that “I don’t understand life”

        Meoww

        When I said “”just” fry an egg”, I meant that I’m actually in the mood for a four course meal, but the groceries we have and 

        How do I make clear that after the book release I need active outspoken engagement for a different legal form of business? Did you know that if I would get an investor in this type of “rechtsvorm” [ = type of legally registered business. A registered Dutch sole proprietorship I have currently] and I would fuck up, I would be accountable for every single penny? I bet there are already people there waiting for me to make a small mistake, so that they can make money claims. That’s why it’s important that I make my deadline. As long as I release anything… 

        I miss how my sister and I used to cuddle. Our conversations sound like TV show dialogues now :(.

        For my €2 retirement fund squad niqqus, I’m letting you know:

        Fuck this shit. If you read between the lines, it says: “WE’RE SCREWED”

        How is my generation in this country ever going to be able to pay the pensioenen? [In the end, it’s tax money, right… Since the investment rollercoaster didn’t end well.] I consider myself the only leader in this generation. (I’m talking about other 22 year olds and me.) The rest just wants to keep up the same malfunctioning system and then use social media to point out everything that’s going wrong, without doing something about it. 

        I deleted my Reddit account earlier today, since no one responded to my request and I don’t like this “like, comment and share” type of social media at all, actually. I prefer private web space… Join the clubb

        Part of me feels like I’m going to choke while awake, from the thought of being alone with my mother… After the US and Germany and stuff, the way she keeps me in her house makes me feel like I’m done talking for the rest of my life. But my heart can’t hurt her, because she’s so weak already… 

        Quite a few weeks ago, when I was having lunch with mister and misses Elia [so “my parents”, unless I’m right about Elia not being my right last name. If they got married while she was pregnant with someone else, I should have either had her last name or my real father’s last name. So Hanenberg or……….. I’m afraid to say the other, cooler, potential last name, because it will sound so “schizophrenic”, when I’m wrong… She would carry this secret to her grave so someone please help. It’s hard for me to talk to her.]******

        Oh, and to the people who have seen the final financial construction of D.O.C.I.S. International in one of my stalker messages: me as a financial entity stands for accountability. I only survive if I have the trust of the majority. Otherwise the empire falls. 

        I really want to follow another lecture or go past his office. But I’m afraid of missing out on him and then just standing there while people see me and then they might recognize me from all of the bullshit drama and then gossip about me :(. 

        My brain would explode [HEY NOT LITERALLY] if I would find out that my mother FUCKING KNOWS HIM. AND THAT SHE’D THEN HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER, WHILE I ONLY HAVE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS AND A PHONE NUMBER FROM his public web page x_x. 

        Ah meow, my sister also sings below the volume level of the speaker, in the shower, just like me. [Thin walls. I’m on the toilet. That’s why I can hear it haha awkward¿] It sounds so beautiful &#x1F63B;😻. Sucks that we’re both used to being laughed at for a certain type of romanticized self-expression. She should join the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign =0. 

        17:07

        When I think of my status and my finances, I regret quitting my studies at Erasmus University. This would have been my graduation year. I wanted to study the Bahamian economy for my internship (because it’s “small”, I thought I had my roots there as well and I fucking love it there so much) and write a thesis, basically about what I’m putting into practice now. I’m also still not over not being elected as a student representative. I would have better side-job options and in this fucking society people only believe that you’re fit to come up with business strategies after you have a title and when you start the introduction of yourself with the university where you graduated. Only then people think: “Oh, you must be good in business,” and then they buy your shit, and that is what, in the end, since in this economy people want to make profit (which is such an empty goal), determines your success.

        Meoww I can write a real fucking revolutionary thesis for you without cramming “dust” (pun) into my head to shortly memorize it for a grade. All I need is a laptop, some books, a Graeyniss [to tell me that I’m using the right formatting] and some space to work. May I get a PhD in return? Money would be nice, too. I would give you free international promotion for you – the way I’m doing now, but then better – and I could also propose an intense change of the level of creativity in the type of education “sold”. I’m not part of the group who graduates and then doesn’t know what knowledge had to be memorized for the degree. My grades were shit, but I still know what an Edgeworth box is. 

        Ikea here we comeee.

        Please ambush me, my Cuddle. I want a cuddles from you & #x1F64A;🙊.

        Traffic is intensee. Can you imagine what the roads would look like if the dikes were to flood and people will try to drive out of the country? I would do that for sure. That’s why it’s better for me to move abroad, because you’re going to need me when new leaders/real leaders are needed. My “street wisdom” is one of a kind. 

        In September (not October,  by the way @ ref to other article), I did some online marketing. It’s visible. For the release, I’ll use it again and this time I’m using a free eBook, so I hope numbers will increase and an international community will surface

        Of course I’ll guide it, but I’m doing so much work for this that I don’t know if I can do that on top of the other things as well. As in I hope to see some initiative. 

        I hope people don’t think that my work is Netflix and that you have to save up episodes and wait until the “season” is finished, so that it can be binge read/watched. With the material of one episode – I am asking you questions in the episode, but that is not visible in the preview, because I’m the type of publisher who doesn’t give away all of the highlights in the introduction – you’ll definitely be able to last until the next release. It’s also not “Oh first episode. That’s just an introduction and I don’t give a fuck about the characters, so I’m skipping it.” Then please just don’t look at the second episode either, because I need passionate people in my organization. 

        Barendrecht by the wayy.

        Haha I’ve started so many Project X’s without a turn out x_x. Dutch people might be surprised that I’m still alive. I am, too, ahahahaha.

        By the way, with the €2 squad, I was indirectly referring to myself as well. 

        20:51

        Excuse my Project X sadness. It would just be funny asf, because my audience is so Cuddle. I don’t have a crew or anything that would entertain you if there were more than a small group talking to me. Also, it would just be awkward if my mother were there, too? I’m very sad to say that I can’t share my Graeyniss with her. On multiple levels if my father is this sexy bed catt. Kom eten¿ We’re in a restaurant again ahahahahahaha. 

        23:08

        So the mattress I found the most comfortable was “too expensive”. (I hope she’s not watching her spendings because she’s a fraud as well… I know money is not that tight for her in actuality, but if you think spending it on me is a waste, I’ll remember that.) 

        Comfyniss

        So I chose this one

        But it was a not foldable mattress, unlike my sister’s, so it wouldn’t fit into the car and thus we didn’t buy it. The plan was to put a mattress of 140 cm broad on my 120 cm broad bed base [mooie alliteratie?], temporarily, and then come back for the bed frame another time. My Wirbelsäule really needs a better mattress, so I agreed, but it’s all just embarrassing in an unprofessional way, from my side. I’m “Lil Fangs” and I go to Ikea with my mother and she pays for me. She mentioned that we then have to rent a van for the mattress.  I thought, “But if we don’t do that, then I could invest that budget in a better mattress…” I said that it feels like such unnecessary effort for only a mattress and that I would rather use that van to move. “Where are you going, then?” she asked. I didn’t explode externally, but I did explode internally. How the fuck can you ask me that, if you know that I don’t have anything? She knows I want to move to California. And she could easily help me with this and with the increase in earnings I would get from making a much more professional impression, I would share with her. But fuck this figurative heart stabbing. 

        So I now have this baby

        “Ga je bidden of zo?” was another question I got. Ah meoww yess. My room is hideous, so I really couldn’t make a “full room” picture with it – because it just looks embarrassing – but I’m very happy with it! Now I can meditate and lay and spend more time in my room instead of downstairs. It also makes my room feel more homely for some reason. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, November 22, 2018

        16:49

        My Cuddle ♥

        Would you know that I’m the same person?

        Yesterdayy

        My hair is now ready for the colder seasons

        While I was braiding, I worked on D.O.C.I.S. (the book): I recorded a video of me talking about the book and organizational changes, as well as a very short tutorial of how I do my hair. I took some pictures of the braiding process:

        Haha aw: “Wow, your hair grows so fast!” It’s not my hair… 

        Meow

        Semi-explicit but comfy asff

        Sleeping on the couch and thus close to the TV that is on most of the time, when “my parents¿¿¿” are at home, has now made me realize to what level “we” have sunken. What happened to deeper meaning in TV shows? The guns and explosions seem to be what people appreciate these days. And heartless attitudes. I shouldn’t sweat myself over wanting to be loved by everyone, because some people will just not understand it. 

        At the same time, a big lesson is that whatever happened around the previous release made me not continue my marketing strategy – was it the MRI¿ – and now I’m shy to use my social media, because it’s so empty and I don’t have any recent professional pictures… Maybe I could still fix that? But rushing might fuck up the quality and people won’t even try to put their minds to understanding the content, if it doesn’t “look professional” [a.k.a. ads with flashy texts, edited voices and a sexy background beat… x_x], so it’s better if I keep things simple, for now. 

        I’m going back to writing. I’m now writing it on my laptop. The 27th is the date on which I currently plan to start making my online environments ready. 

        20:47

        Finally, I’ve found a way to blend-write everything together. It was going to be tough understanding episode 2 if episode 1 isn’t read, but it’s such disrespect towards my effort if I would not continue, and the establishment of D.O.C.I.S. International must go on, so episode 2 is written in a stand-alone manner, but still continues on the contents of the previous episode. The document on my laptop is more recent than the blog article. 

        When it comes to re-asking “my parents(?)” about my identity, my heart already goes crazy when I think of asking it. If I’m wrong, they have ground for restarting the schizoprenia bullshit surveillance with psychiatrists again. If I’m right, I wonder why my life is “one-sided” and why they tell me things like: “You look like your father,” and used to refer to him as “papa”, if he’s not my biological father. A few days ago, I made a collage of pictures of “my parents”, me and this meow of whom I hope that he’s my father and I keep searching for the similarities in our appearance. 

        22:07

        Okay, my life as CouchFangs was nice, but the sound of the TV is starting to get on my nerves too much. I can’t stand the hateful sense of humor and encouragement of stupidity. I’ll go back to my “back ache bedroom”. Tomorrow, I might go bed shopping, so hopefully this is my last night sleeping in discomfort. What would be a better way to save myself from this discomfort, is to move out. D.O.C.I.S. International will be my lifetime occupation, so from my earnings from this, I’ll need to fund that. 

        Meoww I wish I could start this business with my papa, if he’s the loving and intelligent man I think he is. I hope there are alternatives to reach him, that don’t include involving the people whose house I live in, who don’t want me to spend time with him, because they know I’ll like him so much, they might never see me again, and they want to keep me to themselves. 

        I really hope my gut is right… If that’s true, then dreams are hereditary :).

        22:52

        I’m having a stress headache, so I’m going to take a nap without setting an alarm. I wonder when I’ll wake up, because my sleeping schedule is all over the place. 

        Good night♥

        xxx

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, November 21, 2018

        01:26

        My Cuddle ♥

        How’s your night? 

        Mine is chill 

        xo

        As in that the night is calm. There’s a lot less noise from cars, trucks and police and ambulance sirenes. 

        I just combined two types of tea because we have so much tea to choose from and I “currently” have no one to share it with? 

        No paid advertising for sureee

        And I whispered about it out loud while I got the idea… 

        There’s this thing that makes me tell on myself. I’ve had that since that moment I was taken to the first aid. It started internally, since I wasn’t speaking then. 

        After that, the sudden visits of psychiatrists and the police interrogation made it worse externally. Now it’s the continuous fear that comes with my current environment, since my opinion is that I shouldn’t have been taken to the first aid. I refused to come along at first, but after some yelling and pushing, I gave in. Do I live with papa? 

        I’ve mentioned that story about 46 times for sure. 

        My tea was nice. 

        I fit in this? As in when the roof would collapse due to decay or because of natural circumstances (“dykes”)

        04:03

        May my initials be D.D.L.C.? If you pronounce the letters in English, you say “that DLC” in Dutch ehehehe.  

        My stomach is loud asf – my synonym for “I’m hungry” – and I can’t fall asleep when I’m hungry, so I’ll make myself a boterham met pindakaas en pure hagelslag [het woord hagelslag klinkt echt als een massavernietigingswapen voor iemand die alleen maar de g klanken hoort en niet weet wat het woord hagelslag betekent hahaha]. “A sandwich (slices of bread) with peanut butter and dark chocolate “sprinkles””… After I tell you: I swear I did not know that he was my father at that time of the interrogation. If you look at what my last name is, and that my mother calls the man whose house I live in “your father”, my perspective could be understood from any other perspective, I think… 

        Okayy now I’m going to get up. Oof… 

        I see I have no Graeynissis on Reddit either, by the way… 

        Mag ik mijn vader likken? Mijn vermoeidheid verveelt me en ik zoek naar een vorm van entertainment…

        Bij de ene persoon denk ik “yay” en bij de ander denk ik “…hoe heb ik jouw achternaam? Plus, ook jij hebt volgens mij iets onder de leden. It’s in our odor…” Maar ik heb volgens mij wat mijn opa had en nog iets anders, dus het hoeft niet iets genetisch overdraagbaars te zijn? Maar dat is dan sowieso alleen als Elia de genetisch gezien juiste achternaam is van mij…

        Cuddle mee :[.

        Ooh ik ging brood maken x_x. Mijn maag mattie… x_x 

        Het regent… 

        Het milieu is zo ver opgefokt dat deze herfst en winter wel misschien de laatste kunnen zijn, voor hier… Tranen inhouden en doorbijten zal ik zeggen… Ik spreek vanuit mijn eigen perspectief. Dat is het enige wat ik kan doen… 

        Still hungry…

        This looks like that TV studio where they shoot “outer space”…

        13:07

        Good afternoon :] 

        I woke up a few quarters ago.  With the upcoming deadline, the cold and the way I feel about my current appearance, I think that the right thing to do is to braid my hair with extensions again. Especially now that my zorgtoeslag has been deposited. [My health bills are higher than the toeslag anyway. By the way, I think it’s better to give someone a budget of €95 for free health care, instead of giving that person €95 to spend on health care or whatever. The health industry should have never been privatized…] 

        As I braid my hair, I could use my currently still untouched microphone and use today to talk through everything I still need to write out – it’s a lot. Listening back as I write, the next day, will speed up my writing. I want to be done typing on the 27th, so that I have from the 27th until the 31st to work on visuals and other – in the end – aspects of marketing. The documents that are now written “for the investor”, will be converted into web pages within that period. 

        So I’ll eat and get ready to buy my relatively cheap extensions. And hair gel… 

        15:14

        Now that I’m done eating my first meal of the day [Yeah I need to fix my biological rhythm. Maybe I need a more natural environment?] 

        Something with a higher nutritional value would be highly appreciated

        Before I came downstairs, I made my “before” pictures:

        I didn’t blend the lace color with the color of my skin. I’m too pale for the shades of powder I currently have anyway

        The lacee + wearing the same style of make-up since I was 16

        Since I came back from Germany on the 13th, if I’m correct, I’ve gone outside once so for the sake of getting more outside air and exercise, I’m going to the mall by bike. 

        My mother proposed to go for lunch and buy a new bed and I told her we should do that on Friday, because I want to braid my hair and work on my deadlines. She told me that money was tight, when I was about to become financially homeless in Germany, so she couldn’t help me go to the US ever. Thus I wonder what the fuck kind of lie I’m living. 

        Meoww I’m by the way going to make my unedited audio recordings a podcast-ish thing on Spotify and other music streaming services. This reappeared in my mind while I was in the shower. The first time I got the idea was the day before I bought the microphone. 

        15:43 

        Okay I didn’t know that my sister is still using my bike. She told me that she used it while I was away and then she broke something and brought it to the bicycle repair shop yesterday. 

        Now my bike is fixed, but apparently, hers is still broken. Her bike was in the front shed and mine wasn’t. 

        So I’m taking the metro. I forgot my card at home though and I almost got into the wrong one “haha”. I sometimes get these waves of internal, not whispered or said out loud anger, thinking: “These motherfuckers know and think that I know, too, but I don’t know a thing, otherwise I wouldn’t fucking be here. Yet still these bitches think that I’m mentally ill or something, solely out to bathe myself in riches. You can fucking die if you think that about me, for sure. I’m trying to save people, but I’m not a politician, so this is not my task. If you’re that much of a thorn in my eye, you’ll have to save yourself. Good fucking luck.”

        Zoo de struggle als je onderweg bent naar het winkelcentrum en je moet ineens kaki… HAHAHAHAH. From the topics I’m posting about, you might notice that the stagnation of human evolution is internally making me go so fucking crazy. This government weed (genetic manipulation involved) isn’t making it any better hahaha. But it’s better than nothing, for my lonely mind… 

        16:44

        I’m on my way back. If you do your shit within two hours, it’s cheaper to get a ticket for two hours of travelling, instead of charging your personal or anonymous travel card. I just realized that haha. 

        Earlier, I ran into my half American friend I used to have this crazy crush on when I was in middle school. There was also another half American guy I had a crush on when I was in high school. The middle school guy is mixed and the high school guy is caucasian. 

        I bought hair extensions, shampoo and conditioner for black hair, this hair hemp treatment, some teas for my new daily routine [I drink a cup of tea before going to sleep. Following doctor’s advice when it comes to trying to create a routine. (May it be in a different house?)], CBD pills, some face cleansing stuff, “additive free” shag, because the taste of unfiltered cigarettes @ weed is not nice haha and organic rolling papers. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Tuesday, November 20, 2018

        15:40

        Good afternoon, my Sweetniss ♥

        Sweetniss means sweetheart in Cuddle :]. 

        I hope you’re having a good day. I really appreciate that you’re stopping by here. You’re now reading my 270th post :). The amount of content on this blog has been growing increasingly fast. There are so many drafts that need to be finished, still… 

        I think that the amount of work I need to finish for this deadline is going to require a lot of my last energy resources. After I’ve finished everything, I have time “and money” (because the 30th is after when I get my study financing I actually shouldn’t accept) to go to the doctor again. I still need to do the test that lets me know if I have cancer or something – but honestly, especially since the way I feel, the chance is so high that the test will be positive, that I just don’t want to know… 

        The cold has turned me into BedFangs:

        On the couchh

        But sitting inside is making me go crazy. Just like not having an actual income. I’m going to check if there are vacancies that suit me, at the university closest to the house I live in. (I’m talking 10 minutes :D.) Also, when I came back, my mother indoctrinated me with the: “If you’re coming home straight away, you’ll get into a fight with “your father” again. Make sure that you have your statements ready about finding a job.” 

        There was no beef. She probably just wants me to work… 

        Who’s my papa? I might have spoken to this Cuddle, but I didn’t know that he’s my father. I find him so Cuddle, that it is possible that he has told me that I’m his, but that I haven’t stored this, because when I’m near him, everything goes in slow motion, because I love him so much, I get these symptoms of being in love with someone. You know, shaky legs and becoming very sweaty and stuff, just from standing within an arm’s length of him. I can’t help but follow him every move and look him in the eyes so deeply that our souls touch. My heart is always so happy when I see him. The whole thing with the going missing and saying that I had sex with him et cetera, is such a long misunderstanding that it’s too much of a waste of energy to dig it up and explain it. To make a long story short: when the cops interrogated me, I wanted to see him afterwards, so I wanted to make it seem like we were close, because before this I had only met him twice and my mother didn’t want me to get so close to him, because she has trust issues. Just like those fucking bitch ass cops at the station near the house I live in… 

        I know I can trust him. Get the fuck out of my life, if you’re trying to keep me away from him. What the fuck. Especially if I “posess 50% of his personality”. I have the right to get to know every single thing about this side of myself. Of the older and masculine copy of myself. Ah, meow… Also, I wish to be saved from this household that is not really a contribution to what I’m trying to achieve, when it comes to useful conversations, feeling loved, an environment in which you can focus in comfort, et cetera… My “parents” (or my mother and stepfather(?)) spend 90% of their time at home watching reruns on TV. And then they often complain about me doing nothing. All of my occupation come from my own creative incentives. There are not many people who are able to do something like that, on this planet, so how the actual fuck can they tell me that I do nothing? Coming home is to them literally saying: “Hey where’s the rest?” [so “Where are your mother and your (half?) sister?”] or “Hey have you spent all day doing nothing inside the house again?” [and then I give a summary of the things I’ve worked on, while I grind my teeth, because the amount of disrespect in that question is outrageous]. And then the TV goes on and it doesn’t go off until it turns itself off, because they’ve fallen asleep in front of it. 

        I’m programmed to think that I look like the man whose house I live in. If he is not my father, I strongly insist to alter my life into natural living circumstances. Also, I need some cash????? *looks at you in a Cuddle way*

        I know that Benoît knows where I live. I have never told him my address or even in which city I live, but during one of our conversations last year, I vividly remember him saying something like: “Capelle aan den IJssel is a very convenient location to live, when you’re a student here,” when we were talking about when I was a student there. He mentioned the city I live in, while I hadn’t told him I live there. That was when I started to think that he might actually really be able to hear me reason and more. I’ve not told him that. I was slightly stunned by his knowledge, so I didn’t really say much… 

        Know that I’m always ready to welcome you with open arms, here in this house. Know that I’m actually, deep down, expecting you to come over one day, since I know you know exactly where I live – this goes for more people now that my KvK number is on my web pages loooool – and we have such a special connection and unfortunately you can only come to me, because because of your status I wasn’t sure if I could ask you where you live and now I don’t know where you live, so you can only come to me… 

        But should I then replace first name with “papa”? I’m confused……….

        My hair loss rate is intense, by the way. Just like my fatigue. I might not make my deadline… Usually people have an entire team to work with, to make a deadline. I’m doing everything by myself. I need to finish the new D.O.C.I.S. International website, finish the overture, finish the FREE ebook and then manage the corporate alterations… It’s crazy that people haven’t been willing to pay for my writing, but my audience grows every day. With my current financial situation, I actually really have to make the book something paid, but by now giving very useful information away for free, I might be able to count on engagement in the future. This while I actually solely depend on engagement from powerful individuals and not the masses.  

        I don’t even have a suitable qualification for any of the current non-scientific vacancies on the university’s website :'(. This worries me, since the world of academics is the only world I feel semi-comfortable working in. The most comfortable I am as my own boss. 

        I would like to do something challenging, now that I have to do something. I have a certificate in mathematics and one in statistics, but – “of course” – that’s “nothing, in the world of science”… There’s one vacancy that relates to data analysis, but I don’t have much real life experience yet…  

        My B… [is how I would call my father, since that’s what I’m doing in my head all day. It’s Cuddle :D] it would be very awesome to still make that research documentary. Especially now that I coincidentally have a certificate in exactly those subjects that are on the foreground. It’s also a great contribution to the analyses that need to be done, before we construct a final/definite version of D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang. 

        What is “funny” is that many people call me mulatto, while according to my last name, I am fully black. 

        I’ve been writing so much in a row that to go back to writing on top of writing is such an exhausting thought. My initial intention was to fund the organizational reforms with book sales, but I don’t have any sales. Probably because I need those organizational reforms to get real engagement in the first place. I’m using D.O.C.I.S. for a second episode. It wasn’t intended as this, but I can’t continue the self-research from the first episode, in the second episode, if no one has done the self-research from the first episode. I feel like a mad teacher with a burn out. Speaking of which, I could temporarily become a mathematics teacher in a Dutch school where they teach in English. Or teach mathematics somewhere abroad… 

        The problem with this side job is that I’m definitely not in it for the long run and as soon as D.O.C.I.S. International gets its investment, I’ll quit the side job. It could happen in a day, it could happen in two years’ time. It feels wrong to have to sign for a certain period of time, while I prefer working for D.O.C.I.S. International over working for any other boss, because when I’m my own boss, I can give myself the challenging tasks I like and deliver a real contribution. The getting a side-job is solely because I don’t get an allowance and I should actually not accept study financing, because I’m not very enthusiastic about another year of zzzz study. I have bills to pay… If I work, I need at least a semi-proper salary, so I’ll have to work full time, but that means less time to work on the organizational reforms. It’s the same shit as when I started to work at the ANWB, after having ran away from my mother, (step)father and their crew of psychiatrists, to the US. If they were to force me to therapy, while I had this full time job, they would have been disturbing the company and me from saving “precious holidays”, so right after coming back to Rotterdam, I invested all of my free time in that job. And that while my study year at the open university was about to reach its summit. 

        Damn, my grandmother’s (or step grandma’s? [:o… That could mean that I have someone else as my biological grandmother…]) “dementia” + aphasia is going crazy. She just called the house phone and spoke to my (step)father. She has seen a vision of her father, which she considered an indication of that the end is near. Now she wants to start to organize her own funeral. My (step)father made some jokes to her about what her options are and then ended the conversation. He must not be my biological father, because I don’t think that that was a right moment to say cold hearted shit like that. “Am vielen Lachen erkennt man den Narren.” (My Whatsapp status. A German saying that literally translated means “You can recognize jokers from the way they laugh very often.”) In some situations it’s better to just shut up, instead of to make inappropriate jokes. 

        I need a doctor. I also need someone Cuddle (including the ability to empathize) to come with me to the doctor, because palpitations might make my heart give out, when I hear the news. The amount of people spectating my struggle anonymously, makes me feel like I can scream all I want, but people will just keep spectating instead of doing anything. This little cat with a not very helpful mother and (step)father needs quite some help. I hope the man whose house I live in is not my father and that I have a father out there who is loving and who I can count on.

        In the strong wind that flows past the room I’m in, I can sometimes hear a very frequent interval of waves. This makes me very worried about my safety, considering that I’m the type of person who would leave the house when the dikes flood, because I would think: “There’s no way I’ll spend the rest of my existence having to conversate about superficial shit, trapped in this house. I want to live and lead!” But the cold of the water would kill me… 

        Time for dinner

        And to continue my online course in Italian. I downloaded these apps. They’re addictive… And after that it’s back to writing in an attempt to make my deadline. I guess I should change my focus to the free ebook and then shamelessly promote the shit out of it on all milked out social networks I’m active on, with crappy visuals, because I don’t have professional visualization software or a graphic designer I can pay. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, November 19, 2018

        03:06 I feel like I should talk about my grandfather, but living only with the memory of him, Rudi Harold Hanenberg, makes me miss him so much, talking about him makes me so sad &#x1F63F;😿… He has been such an important person in my life, that I still can’t believe that he’s not with us anymore. His loving character is one of a kind.  One of the things I would like to include during the research process for my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis, is the development of an artificial intelligence device that is a replica of him. 

        So I distract myself from feelings like this… It’s an un-Stoic (that is “not Stoic” in Cuddle…) habit of mine. The question is written in Dutch.

        “Zou je liever rijk of liever beroemd willen zijn?”  The words separately translated make: “Would you rather be ritch or rather be famous?” “Would [Zou] you [je] rather [liever] be [zijn] ritch [rijk] or [of] rather [liever] (“want to”) be [willen ( = want to) zijn] famous [beroemd]?” “Would you rather be rich or famous?”  I think that with money you can achieve more than with fame. So I would rather be rich than famous, because with money I can pursue my dreams of developing a new ecosystem for people to live in, among other things. It is part of what I want D.O.C.I.S. International to grow out into.  This is a Pickwick tea question. I’m not paid to post this or anything… It was in the tea drawer. My mother bought it. I also don’t earn anything on my blog. No one is clicking on my ads [I haven’t really inserted them often, because I think it is a disturbance from reading], so other than my study financing of €961 euros per month and my “zorgtoeslag” of €95 euros per month, my income is 0 and since it’s a university for working students, just like last year, my next study year starts in January. Also, no one is buying my books. The “I don’t know what to expect”-factor must be great in this. And the buzzkill emotions of mine that surface sometimes. I hope that with the free eBook, this might change. And the fact that I’m not “an online personality with a lot of followers and a chiseled presentation on social media”, so people might not want to hear what I have to say, or consider me the intellectual authority I want to be. (That is based on that in a conversation, 90% of the time, the person I’m talking to, is trying to debunk what I say.) 15:23 Some things in my life need to drastically change. I can’t keep writing towards the climax forever. At some point, I need to reach it and not being there is eating at me. Another thing that is eating at me, is the “recent” distance in my personality. By “recent”, I mean that it has surfaced in the past three years. The forms of shock my heart has been through in the past few years, has made me distant from people who have contributed to it and from people I can’t predict, because I’m afraid that they’ll do the same. This fear I need to strategically overcome, because otherwise I can’t do business and ever live happily, etc.  Sometimes, I think back of something I’ve written down here and I wish that I could take it back. I’m very strict towards myself in that I can solely add more words, to make my statement more clear, and never take away any written down aspects of my thoughts and feelings of that day, so that I/we can learn from reading back. I really shouldn’t have stated certain things about wanting a certain person all to myself et cetera… I am also still not sure about if my gut feelings about fathership are awkwardly wrong or somehow intuitively right. I should then, if it were true – which is what I strongly hope – not want to disrupt his habitat. I think that want comes from having missed out on him so much and being afraid of how the people in his community will look at me, so I wanted to, relatively isolated, hide my fears away in his arms. Just facing it seems the right way to overcome this. Meeting his [I’m not sure if I should say “my”?] family makes me a bit nervous, but I shouldn’t be, because they look far too adorable to be like some people from my environment.  Vaguely, I remember having these “Where is papa?” conversations when I was younger. But it’s a strange insight, if you look at my last name. I should then have a different last name? Maybe not wanting to have a child on such a young age, could be understandable. But in my “adult life”, it’s a form of absence that leaves so many questions. Especially because I’ve been taught to call someone else “papa”, if my gut and eyes are right about him not being my biological father.  I need to shower, eat and start working on the soup for dinner and continue to work on my business plan. I also have another book deadline the 30th. It’s just going to be D.O.C.I.S., because the new episode had 0 sales. The concept of the book series might still not be clear, so D.O.C.I.S. will make things a lot clearer. Consider it an alteration to the book series. To, at some point, inform the masses, I’ll really need to assemble a camera crew etc.  The couch on which I’ve been sleeping for two nights now, lays very nice, but it is also an extreme way to see that I really need to start earning and get my own place.  18:19 The soup is almost done… My situation with my origin and background in the context of who my father is, surfaced in a high a few days ago. Before that, it hadn’t been in my memory for over a decade or something. You can see it surface in the diary post of that day. Before that, I was still looking at him [I’m gonna go for saying that my gut feeling about him being my father is real] from a different love perspective. A perspective that doesn’t change that easily and that I actually don’t want to see change. Television has set such a bad example for relationships like this. It’s always yelling and drama and “no public displays of family affection”. I want to do it completely differently. My character is too soft for that dramatic “You are not my father!” type of relationship or an equivalent of that anyway. I’m like a small kitten that feeds off and gives a lot of love.  Meoww, to this day I’m dealing with a lot of nightmares – a lot less now that I’m back at smoking weed almost as often as when I was with my ex, though – and every time I wake up – I wonder if I scream in my sleep¿ –  I need to calm myself down and wait until I’m done shivering out of fear. Something like that could take all night, because my nightmares are veryyy lucid. In a situation like that, I feel so lonely and I wish that I could then be cuddled to sleep by someone loving and protective, who knows how intense the effect of the experience actually is. Whatever happens, my facial expression doesn’t show how I truly feel. This is something I’ve been doing since the moment I started to be forced to talk, by very uncomfortable methods, in the beginning of last year. You need to know me very well, to understand the thoughts behind my words and actions. Honestly, I don’t think anyone in my current physical realm knows me that well. I would be very happy to learn that my father is somewhere else out there. That would mean that there’s an end to my days of loneliness, because I believe that the character of a child is based on that of his or her parents, whether or not he or she is raised by both of them. I still seek for mutual judgment…  The trippiest part about this is the situation with my last name. I want to have my father’s last name. If the man who I’ve been calling my father all my life, the man whose house I live in and whose last name I have, is not my father, I was supposed to have my mother’s last name. I was then supposed to be named Dominique Hanenberg, like the man whose house I live in has the last name of his mother, instead of Dominique Elia. He was raised without his father :(. His last name and my last name would have been Newman, if his father and his mother (so not my grandmother¿) would have stayed in touch. My mother married him while she was pregnant – that’s why there’s a two weeks difference between their wedding anniversary (Oct 14) and my birthday (Nov 1) – so maybe there was an assumption that I was his…? Ah, meow, that’s a bit awkward x_x. I finished and ate my soup – “okersoep” – while I wrote this. I’m working on my laptop right now and my phone is blasting music via the aux cable, so I don’t have any pictures of my soup.  Now, back to my business overture/investment proposal and D.O.C.I.S. The clock is ticking… My escapade to Germany and the lack of engagement made the deadline slip my memory, but I’m on it! 23:02 Making these deadlines is going to be tight. I find finding investors more important than releasing a new Nosce Te Ipsum episode, because the project has no engagement, so I want to have my overture finished, before I finish the episode.  My Cuddle, are you on Reddit? I just made an account. I’m still seeking for that one social network where I can find Graeynissis. My account name is _lilfangs. If you have an account, please follow me so that I can follow you back. 
        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, November 18, 2018

        02:53 

        Hiii

        I’m not tired at all 😀

        If there’s one thing I enjoy… 

        It is watching a live basketball game 😀

        Are you watching, too??? 

        It would be nicer without a commentator? The Dutch commentator is such a hater towards the players. 

        I like to focus on gameplay and non-verbal communication during the game itself. What I prefer even more is playing the game myself :D. 

        D.O.C.I.S. International has basketball teams as well. I’ve mostly played as a forward, after that mostly as center and after that mostly as point guard, in middle school :D. I would love to frequently play again. 

        Would you like to play for Planet Fang…? I’m mentally trying to get the players to join D.O.C.I.S. International hehehehe. 

        Haha, “Planet Fang!” I heard youuu!♥

        May I be an NBA dancer as temp side job? I need some form of income while I finish this renewed business plan… 

        The game was nice 😀

        The couch sleeps better than my bed, so guess where I’ll be sleeping tonight 😀

        Time for another one. (I don’t mention how often I really smoke weed…)

        Meoww my grandfather would have turned 80 today… 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

        Saturday, November 17, 2018

        14:06

        Hey heey ♥

        Deez nutz let you know what time it is:

        Some kids dressed up as zwarte piet without blackfacing just gave it to me. 

        I’m on my way to meeting a friend. Later doing grocery shopping for dinner and cooking. 

        20:58

        I had a lot of fun with my friend and I enjoyed having my grandmothers over for dinner :). Also, I finally decided on what words to start my business overture with. The right balance between catching attention, using language that displays the right status and not starting in medias res too much, I’ve finally found :]. About with whom and where to share this, I’m not sure yet. 

        I need to persist and make sure that I finish the overture within a decent amount of time. I can’t wait to start the real deal :D. When I’m done writing, finding ways to approach the right people, will be my next challenge. 

        Some other pictures I made today:

        He won ehehe. I was “half”

        The winter [should I say “fall”? It’s sooo cold] sun is soo perfect for sungazing 😻

        Same old route

        Meoww I need warmer weather or better clothes to survive this

        The moon descends? Is the Earth then round?

        It was greattt

        My bowl was still filled, because at some point, the rice was done, so I set the table for the “main course”. Only I wasn’t done eating the starter yet. 

        The vegetables I made are for diehards. It includes bitter melon (sopropo), solanum macrocarpon (antroewa), pumpkin, tomatoes, honey, yellow madame jeanette peppers, salted meat (zoutvlees), mint, celery and an union. 

        My version of Kartoffelsuppe includes carrots, spinach, bacon, tomatoes, lemongrass, Dutch Bratwurst, a vegetable stock block, an union [I think I eat too many unions?] and of course potatoes. 

        21:35

        Meoww

        The rest of my time this evening, I’ll relax, roll another one and try to keep my brain from as many stimuli as possible, including not looking at my phone screen anymore. 

        I hope your evening will be twice as chill as mine. 

        And good night in advance ♥

        See you tomorrow!

        xxx

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, November 16, 2018

        17:11 

        Hiii meowww♥

        I feel so un-cuddle that I’m still in bed. There’s nothing to cook with, in the house, that I haven’t made yesterday already. (Yesterday I made fried noodles with a fried egg with potatoes in it and ate that for breakfast and lunch. It has been takeout all the wayyy.) 

        But I’m thinking of making my own version of potato soup. There are no fresh vegetables in the house, or meat I could put in it. I don’t want to go outside – to people staring x_x – and make my almost maxed out debit accounts even more maxed out. I’ve only had one of the granola bars I took with me, from Germany. 

        Meoww I feel a bit un-cuddle, because I’m thinking, even when I finish my business plan on paper – while the concept already has been thought through a long time ago, by me, so the writing is solely for the investor – who should I approach with my plan. I don’t trust the masses with it, because they might abuse my ideas to make a lot of profit. If my plans are used for the wrong purposes, they are harmful, so competition – that is currently non-existant – must be crushed for sure, and not fed with more ideas. I don’t want to post my plan here anymore. I don’t even know if I should type it on my laptop, because it has so much potential success. 

        I want to ask my B for advice. And if he and his fellow Graeynissis are interested in participating and/or investing. He must be in the country now, since this was, in 2016, the block in which I was lectured in my favorite subject of the course I had that far, by one of my favorite professors & #x1F63B;😻. But I can barely reach him :[. It’s also very trippy that my intuition had suddenly pointed out that I look more like him than any of “my parents”… 

        I would love it if it were true. I’m not going to fight against my physical attraction to him, since I got to know him as not my relative. It would be so much fun to catch up on things, such as getting bed time lectures and being held while being given expensive wine from a baby bottle.

        It either be comfirmed or denied right now, because my heart and head would explode if people were to carry this secret to their graves. I wouldn’t be mad at the man whose house I live in. It would be interesting getting to know that part of his story. But I would be struggling to keep my calm towards my mother, because why on earth has she, prohibited me from seeing him and labeled him as a bad man? And why keep it a secret, especially when she knows how much he means to me. I hate it when people think I can’t handle the truth. I’ve been through so much shit without even giving them a slight hint of it, so bring it the fuck on, since I’m bored as hell, too, anyway.

        I’ve wondered why he has been stuck on my mind since I met him for the very first time, while I haven’t seen him that often, but this unspoken relation to him could be an intuitive explanation of it.

        Also, since – “snitch alert” – he doesn’t like his job as a professor that much – I haven’t had a chance to ask him a ton of questions about his other function yet – I think he should resign and join the top of D.O.C.I.S. International with me & #x1F64A;🙊. Doing the same thing every year sucks and my startup is a fun challenge for which all of the capacities you like to use are needed. It’s the cure against boredom that helps for the rest of your life. 

        Meoww I want the type of father I could never argue with. I’ll be your right hand and travel with you to every business occasion. What would be even cooler is if we were to do the opposite, so him travelling along with me. I might get jealous when you give other people attention. I’ll be very touchy and cuddly, mostly because I’ve been hurt so often that I’m scared of people (plebs), and I don’t think he would hurt this little Cuddle. (Especially not after having carried around this secret over two decades.) I wanted to say “his own flesh and blood” for an argument to not hurt, but my mother has hurt me so often omg, so that isn’t an argument for not hurting someone, I guess. 

        What made me laugh yesterday is the thought of how today’s Surinamese culture and authentic Italian culture absolutely not go hand-in-hand. The “traditional” meals that consist of solely adding sauces to factory food and other “traditions” like the “kaboela bus”. Ahahahahahahahahaha nooo, they must think: “Wtf is this?” 

        I’ve never met someone who’s half Surinamese and half Italian(?). “How would that person’s parents meet?” *Fingers crossed* please be an undercover prince…. Ahahaha meowww I want to be this mix so badd. 

        My mother just came home and she’s going to buy some groceries to make a quick pasta. I asked her to buy some ingredients for the soup as well. Then I can finally make myself the breakfast I want [it’s 18:22 haha I feel like shitt papa cuddle meee]. The way I feel makes me a bit worried about my health. I still haven’t let my morning urine be sent to a lab, like my doctor from Germany has told me, and I currently can’t afford to pay him a visit. The Dutch health system will definitely kill me if they find out that I have cancer – since they already find that I’m a schizophrenic and they are taught “the less, the cheaper, the better” – so that is not an option.

        Meoww I want my own house, because, to be very honest – it hurts me to say this – I need proper nutrition and I’m literally sick and tired of eating takeout and “quick”. I want passion foods that take 6 hours to prepare…

        This bed cat hasn’t showered yet. I think I’ll skip that for today (something I rarely do). I want to go jogging later, because I’ll definitely not be able to sleep after literally laying in bed all day. Also I’ve smoked all of my German hash, so I might be in the very intense mood for some Dutch government weed… (Since that’s the only dealer I know, here…) 

        If my gut is right about the secret, I wonder how many people know. Also, I have so many questions about my youth, like this one:

        What is the shit medication those doctors have to me that made my teeth turn brown until I got my adult dentures?

        We do look Cuddle, but do we look alike?

        I by the way, find it very cool that my websites are now more popular in Germany than they are in the Netherlands. And that in the US, China and Sweden people are keeping a digital eye on me as well. I would love to meet youu! 

        How do I explain that what I do is for those older people who say that they’re older and that young people are cool, while I’m very convinced that old people are cool and that they should keep the primate until the very end and never give primate to anyone of my generation please because we’ll all die? Meoww I need these Graeys but I think Graeys might not be Graey with me, because we’re both hard to reach? I, by the way, didn’t know my content will go that bad with our current generation, until I started to do some online marketing and people started to give their painful opinions about it.

        I want the type of vendetta father who gets people who hurt me capped lol ahagahagahahaha. But I’m not allowed to say that “out loud” & #x1F64A;🙊. [While I just did. If someone wants to prosecute me for saying that in my diary, that person is free to do that and lose.]

        By the way, me sharing every single aspect of my life/thoughts and making the privacy policy personal [the “I” perspective] and everything, are very conscious moves that will be an advantage in the future, even though it might now not look like that.

        Meoww I’ve stalked my B so much that I think that if I ever were to see him again in person, the initiative to meet should come from his side. I’m tired of not getting a response and I love a very pleasant surprise. Meoww my Mind’s Eye “crashes” when I try to picture the future and he’s not part of mine, so I have to see him again at some point. Hopefully it will be very fast, because my heart might give out when I reflect on this year on New Year’s and I haven’t accomplished anything and he’s still not a part of my life. I said “no” to new year’s resolutions last year, but still hoped that he was going to become a part of my life. I hope I won’t wish the same thing again and then go for a year without him again…  

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, November 15, 2018

        14:27

        Good afternoon ♥

        I’ve been indoctrinated with fear, for no reason. I don’t like games of divide and conquer, and other nonsense for a monopoly on my attention. My first exchange of words with my father(¿), was casual asf. The way I prefer it. 

        [The topics of a diary post are ordered in the way I encountered them.]

        The executive summary is going to be part of my “business overture”. I’m writing a business overture, instead of a business plan, because my “product” is not regular [it’s a country…], and thus it needs more emphasis on the concept and strategy and less on the financial prognosis, because the income depends on the size of “councellors” and the size of the audience. 

        Because of the type of goals I have, I prefer to lend from individuals, universities and the government. But how the meow am I going to reach them…? I’m not a much of a  student x_x. 

        Okay maybe not necessarily the government [because I really just don’t know how to feel about it(s existence)], but I need a lot of capital. 

        Meoww I dream of sitting at the head of a very long and very expensive table, with a lot 1of suited up Graeynissis giving me advice &#x1F63B;😻

        17:17

        I used the template from the Forbes website and wrote down what I need to “write out”

        My version will have a different document structure

        Haha my “management team” [= council [oh no, the masses prefer watching Netflix over doing that… I’m waiting for you, my Graeynissis]] and useful informed and in person having told me “Yes, we will do business together” people in my network count = 0…..

        Brrrr. It was about 10 degrees Celsius, but it felt like it was freezing. 

        The Endeavor

        • Company history
        • Future plans

        The Market 

        The Cycle

        • Components
        • Initiating the cycle (financial request)

        Inside Operations 

        External Services 

        • A summation

        Public Relations

        Etc… I’ll post the executive summary as a separate post, when it’s done. The full plan, you’ll be able to see, when you become a counselor. At D.O.C.I.S. International, a counselor is also an independent publisher and anyone else you would like to be. 

        Maybe it’s still better for me to do this in the US? Since my intentions are to start the initial compound in the US. (Before the island is finished.)

        By the way, this feels like such an abrupt end of my course in language and culture. But better working space :D. 

        On D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang (let’s vote?), I would like to write daily reports about the company, which will be the news. 

        18:38

        I see that when I view this website from the web, it sometimes doesn’t display all images I’ve uploaded? That’s why I have to place captions, by means of indicating that there’s an image there. 

        Meoww, back to focusing on my business overture. 

        19:08

        Essential changes are that it’s now “the risk of media rivalry and overcoming this” and the remarks are taken away. 

        And that I think that I should make the entire thing public…? Consider it “de rijksbegroting” [the country’s annual financial plan] of our very first year! For public diplomacy reasons, transparency is very important. May the compound be an embassy plss? Every country in the world 😻. We export all of our internal services (?).

        20:51

        Goddamn, I didn’t know the Netherlands exported cow sperm. On television, I just saw a cow fuck another cow for the business purpose. He was named Charlie and they spoke English to him. Dude… x_x TV dinners are not good for my heart ahahahahahaha.

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, November 14, 2018

        00:31

        Here are some pictures I made before 12 am, but I hadn’t posted them yet:

        With this Ford, I can take over the Galaxy…

        Nice potato soup reminds me of the cassava soup my grandfather used to make me when I was sick

        Reminds me of Rotterdam “for some reason”. Spandau has a Schiemond/Delfshaven vibe

        Reminded me of Pompeï

        Pretty stoness

        I found this funny?

        They didn’t have ice cream 🙁

        So I got myself some ice cream

        My room is so Graey 😻

        Ehehehe. I left the rest of my luggage in the car.

        Ahhh my shower 😻&#x1F63B;

        Viewss ahahahahah

        02:25

        Good night ♥

        09:45

        Good morning! ♥

        How was your night? 

        Mine was far too short… I could barely get myself out of bed – as usual, but this time also because the bed just laid so Cuddle, besides the fact that I always wake up tired. I always end up timing getting up in such a way, that I’m at breakfast about 30 to 15 minutes before it closes. 

        10:30

        So after breakfast I took a nap I just woke up from. Now I have 30 minutes to get ready and put everything back into my suitcase and bags. 

        Morning viewss

        12:23

        Waiting for my mother got me like 

        I’m starting to run out of songs to play ahaha

        Meow I’m starting to get hungry x_x. I’m meeting her here, because she’s paying for my room. All my cards will get declined, if I were to try it. Haha never do I tap the back button faster than when I check my bank accounts. I always press back so fast that my balance only shows for 0.000001 second ahahahahaha *cries*. 

        Ah meow I just heard she got pulled over for speeding in Germany :(. I’ve been lucky when it comes to getting pulled over, here, for getting pulled over = 0 & speeding = 100% of my time behind the wheel. 

        Haha but “do you know that one “”Dutch” “””schizophrenic””””” that got more than 3 speeding tickets in Germany?” Bwahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah luckily the tickets were deducted from the deposit and not as a separate €€€. They were from these “speed camera poles” on the highway. If there were no cars behind me, I pushed the breaks very hard, so that’s why it was only about 20 km/h too fast with the clio. But my late night trip – with no lights on the highway – with the Galaxy, is going to be for a lot more km/h, I think. I saw some signs that showed “Spurrinen!” or something, and that speed should be lowered. I lowered my speed, but drove as fast as the traffic allowed me to drive. The speed limit went from 120, to 100, to 80, to 60, but my pace was relatively steady. And then, suddenly, a red light flashed in my face. Haha meoww x_x €€€.

        Also, the people from the rental agency claimed that I scratched the roof of the car, but I haven’t? I’ve very softly bumped into a column in a garage – with the Clio – but that didn’t leave any damage, and the picture they showed me really looks like someone fucked it up by scratching it with a key. Unless it’s from the pulling motion – since the car is not elastic – from softly bumping the side of the car against a bumper? Sometimes I don’t know if it’s real, or it’s just people doing random shit out of race/gender/whatever related hate. 

        You now know my rental agreement number ehehehe. Usually I clip things like that out of my pictures – because they say boohoo wild people on the internet doing crazy shit – but my hunger is making me lazy. It’s a quarter past car hand-in time. Waitingg. I hate it when I, as a colored person, am late for something x_x. 

        I just saw that it’s a 35 minutes drive to the car rental agency. 

        14:53

        Meoww I’m hungryyyyy asfff. But the car is handed in. 

        I’m now waiting for my mother to have parked. We lost each other after making a spontaneous U-turn in search of a gas station, since we drove with separate cars, so we decided to meet near the car rental agency.  

        15:57

        I feel like shedding some tears over how much I’m going to miss it here and over missing “being independent”. But I have no other option but to search for investors and/or work, in the Netherlands. Since otherwise I would be reported missing and my reputation won’t be able to survive fucking bullshit like that again. 

        Boii I don’t even know what to do when I get home. I don’t want to see the person I’ve been calling my father all my life, “dus laat staan” talking to him. I feel like I should relax, when I get home, but just the idea of the feeling of being there, already makes me tense.

        19:02

        So I’m supposed to go to my grandmother’s? I told her I was going to visit her tomorrow and that I insist to sleep in my own bed tonight. I have the right to sleep in my own bed, but I heard “my father” is on a rampage and that my first encounter with him might be hell-ish. It fucking sucks that it is my home, too… 

        20:51

        Haha it feels so fucking random to be back here and suddenly have a bit of Berlin in my bedroom. 

        Little Fangs :D. My Cuddle made it for me ♥

        After my “hello” was received in silence and by means of avoiding any clashes I’m not in the mood for, I just went to my room straight after coming back. 

        My inner flame is going volcano for getting to my own private (property) comfort as soooon as super possible. So I’ll quickly make a schedule for finishing my “company’s portfolio” and for some job application shit in the meantime, I guess. 

        23:23

        I’ve unpacked everything and my quick “strategy” is written down.

        My new stuff – mostly skin and hair products etc – doesn’t fit anywhere, so I’ve stacked it on my desk. Need. More. Space…

        Ah meoww I don’t want to go back to being more complainey x_x.

        So the rest of this week, I’ll spend working on my executive summary and responding to vacancies…

        To “crush it”, for my investment proposal, I think I should have finished the Docis Int. website and the free eBook, but to be very honest, I’m so extremely tired, I need a short holiday before I can do those things. But I HAVE TO have a side-job to live here without clashing 24/7 – and that while I don’t even want to be here ahahahahahaaha – and people are mad at me because of the expenses of me leaving and that I should not do that ever again [it’s my third time. The first time was free. Grrr I don’t ask for those expenses for fun. Either let me die or don’t complain after spending money on me after a decade], so that doesn’t allow for the rest I need, plus, the time I spend resting is time I lose “crushing it” and getting the fuck out of here…

        So for my first proposal, I think I’ll say [not literally]: “Meoww mister/miss investor, if I keep doing this by myself, I’ll not get older than 25. We need all components of the business at once. It will be so lit. Mag ik nu een Cishe? :D” I need some non-plebs advice anyway, so I’ll not spend too much time fine tuning things.

        I want to say so much right now, that if I do it, I would write until sunrise. Unfortunately, I’m extremely tired already.

        Welterusten ♥

        Ps. Being taken back here against my will feels like such a strange form of being held hostage or something¿

        Pps. I don’t have my house key back and I don’t want to take it back, because I don’t want to live here. It’s going to be an issue, though, because I told my grandmother I was going to stay over at her house tomorrow – actually I just want to be alone – so how am I going to come back inside here¿

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Tuesday, November 13, 2018

        02:01

        Meow… I’m pondering about where to stay, when I get back to the Netherlands. I just want to be with my Graeynissis as soon as possible… 

        My life shouldn’t go back to the routine it was, before I went to Germany. (It’s why I don’t want to go home.) I can’t wait for my next step in entrepreneurship! It is key for me to finish my book(s) and websites on time, as well as my executive summary. 

        So, my plan for today is to have breakfast and pack. Then store my luggage, pick up my car, pick up my luggage, lunch with the Cuddle and drive to Dortmund.  No more stop in Hannover, because we’re saving costs… I’ll be picked up the next day. 

        I wish I could see my B… How to achieve this? Meoww please tell me it’s possible…

        10:22

        Good morning ♥

        How was your night?

        Mine was gooooood. I fell asleep around 9 pm and woke up around 3. Then I pondered some and fell asleep again around 5. 

        Having breakfast noww

        A lot of my thoughts went to “What if the person who I call my father, isn’t really my father?” I would be happy to find out the truth. They seem like the kind of people who would say: “Oh no, she can’t handle the truth, so let’s carry this secret to our graves, or wait until it’s too late for her to meet him.” 

        Especially around winter time, I look like “my parents”¿ even less. I’m far lighter than both of them, when there’s less sun. Now people say that some “family features” can skip generations and then my difference in skin tone could still be from the combination of the people I’ve been calling my parents for 22 years. But still, especially when you look at my character and the difference in the shape of my face, I could be a little B. 

        Haha it would feel awkward to me to say this and be wrong about it. Because I’ve formulated mini arguments that back up my decades old gut feeling. Another reason that could make it awkward is that, since last night, I’ve constantly been idealizing and visualizing how much more Cuddle my life would be, if my Visje [= B] were my father. 

        Meoww, I could be home schooled. And I could travel a lot. And I could get so many Cuddles and Cishes 😻. Meoww I want to be this little pesce. I will then also “suddenly” be a mix of cultures I’ve never in my life have heard of before. 

        20:10

        Lol. I saw this while I was on the toilet

        Stau lifeee

        Come and find meee

        I started my descent. I’m going to miss Germany :(. It sucks that my living expenses are only paid for, when I’m (at home) with my parents. 

        My last day here was a nice experience. I’m really going to miss it. 

        The only thing I’m not going to miss are some racist motherfuckers who don’t think that I can understand German. But you have zillions of them in the Netherlands as well. Other than that, I’m really going to miss it here. The intelligent culture [vision on health, heritage in plenty forms of science etc.], the language, the “being someone with physical features you’ve never seen before”, the Cuddle, and the list goes on… 

        “din-ner”

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, November 12, 2018

        17:07

        My Cuddle ♥

        How’s your Monday?

        Mine is bed petty… 

        18:17 

        So, tomorrow I’ll start my journey back to the Netherlands… It feels kind of weird to just go back, after having made those statements about flooding. Part of me says that I should stick to my words and not go back, but I’m doing this for my Dutch Graeynissis. 

        Some of my belongings are at the Cuddle’s, so after packing, breakfast and picking up the car, I’ll collect those, say goodbye to him and start my descent. 

        I’m meeting my mother in Dortmund. I chose that city, because I’ve heard that some of my readers reside there 😻& #x1F63B;.

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, November 11, 2018

        16:09

        Meow 😻&#x1F63B; 

        How’s your day?

        I hope it’s littttt

        I just came back from my Cuddle and before that the spa and fitness center of the hotel I’ve stayed in before. It was awesome :D.

        Boxing etc after this

        Swimming & trippy sauna infusions + Cuddle food after this

        Can I share this image with you like this¿

        Meoww I feel bad for saying un-cuddle things about Cuddles 😿&#x1F63F;. It has to be Cuddle instead of un-cuddle.  

        I’m now going to search for a place where I can get food on a Sunday afternoon and then work on my CV in the hour my laptop battery isn’t dead yet. My Cuddle knows a place where I might be able to get a charger¿ Otherwise I could maybe ship one to his place, and/or buy a new one one day. I left some of my things [my swimmingwear, “swimming cloth I use as a sauna dress”, work out clothes, bra and slippers] there already. I need to work somewhere anyway. Why not here…?

        Yesterday, I forgot to take my charger with me, to the spa and fitness center. I stayed with my Cuddle until his shift ended and afterwards. Today, when my Cuddle had to work at three and I wanted to extend my room key, I travelled back here [it’s about 40 minutes from door to door, but I walk the parts I should travel by bus] without using Google Maps. That moment when he showed me the water close by where he lives, and I thought: “I could get used to this…?”, I thought of what type of build-up to an independent life I prefer. What I would like to do is to stay here instead of at my parents’ house. Both there and here, I’ll have to work to pay for things in the mean time [food, fines [Deutsche Bahn, Belastingdienst], monthly subscriptions [Tele2, FBTO, Spotify], etc.]. Why not do that here? My Cuddle knows some places where I could apply for a job. I hope I’ll be able to find something soon. In the meantime, I need that charger, so that I can work on my business with my laptop. That’s a lot more comfortable, compared to with my phone.

        I’ll be playing some Nintendo Switch, while I wait until my food is delivered. This will be my first time eating Israeli food¿

        18:22 

        Earlier today

        Best. Takeout. Eveeeeeer 😻

        The purity of the taste is something I’ve been seeking in takeout food, since the moment at home, there came the days on which the responsibility for dinner was assigned by days to a person. On Monday and Saturday, I’m responsible. The first time we did this, I was 16. My father has cooked about 10 times in total since then. He “always” buys takeout. There are these sauces and spice mixes with a lot of additives in them (E-nummers), I prefer to avoid. I’ve now found takeout(-ish food) where I don’t notice the taste of additives :D. 

        I feel so at home here. And that while I’m not even fluent in the native language. 

        Aber vielleicht kann ich meine deutsche Flüssigkeit besser machen, wenn ich “every now and then” ein bisschen auf Deutsch meine Gefühle und Gedanken aufschreibe. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Saturday, November 10, 2018

        10:50

        Morniing ♥

        What are your plans for the weekend? 

        Mine are ???????? 

        I woke up to a lot of texts from my mother. Now my worries are tying my stomach in knots. 

        Maybe I do need to go back to the Netherlands. To save my Dutch Graeys… There must be people who do feel the same way about the masses as me. Who also find that family shouldn’t be an obligation and who also don’t believe in that shallow oneliners are good for you. 

        My decision making would be a lot easier if my B would describe his situation through The Head Cuddle. The “By showing me a sign of life in the physical realm, you save me. Why not do it?”-situation. It feels wrong to ask him this, though… Because he’s an important meow and I’m just a jobless bed cat, in the world of “x_x” that needs to change. I don’t know if, for his situation and our unification, it’s better for me to be abroad or in the Netherlands. 

        But I guess I should look for like-minded Graeynissis. What would be so Graet to turn this tea party concept [I thought I would have been able to throw it by now…] into “an investment party” for my readers. By investing, you also buy in your power in The Council. 

        Flehs find it hard to understand why my mother’s words always hurt me. I’ll show you what I’m facing now. I don’t know what to respond yet. 

        “Morning D., how was your night?”

        “One day left until your reservation for this hotel ends.” 

        I know that. But to have that as the first words I see after shutting off my alarm [snoozed it a 1000 times], is palpitationny. 

        “I could extend it for a couple of days, but what are you practically going to do after this?”

        I was thinking of jumping out of my goddamn window. 

        “We would love to support you, but it’s tough.”

        All I need is 2% of their capital, and they’ll never be bothered by me again. Sucks that it’s too much to ask. 

        “You have big ideas and plans and you want your freedom. The complicated part is that the money for your plans and freedom comes from other people.”

        She states it as if I don’t want to do fucking anything. I depend on older people, because older people can earn more, just because they’re older. It is normal, when you need an investment, that you depend on other people. In the end, the benefits of the organization are for the people. But I want to exclude these fucking flehs that make me feel shitty, while I was doing this for their future as well.

        “The period before this, you lived at home and you were studying, you also had a goal, ideas and plans, you were working on.” [She doesn’t understand that what I’m working towards – changing the system – has been my goal since day 1. The only thing that often changes is my strategy for it.] “I think this period was quite calm and it went well. Until you wanted to continue your studies and money became an issue. I haven’t interfered with this enough, otherwise it wouldn’t have stopped.” 

        I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Animal. If there’s one thing that frustrates me, it’s interference. What makes it even worse is that she thinks that I need it. As if, when you want to make a dog sit, you say: “I need to jump twice. Afterwards, she does it.” I do not need her guidance. Please. Make it stop. I want to die. 

        “What do you want now? Besides a ticket and an apartment.”

        “Finding investors requires a lot of time and effort, also a lot of self-exposure and “receiving a lot of mental punches” I think. But how are you going to live the coming days?”

        “Incasseren” is a boxing term. She doesn’t expect me to succeed. That’s why I suddenly thought: “Maybe I do need to go back to the Netherlands…” I’ll go past every single fucking investment organization/individual in the whole fucking country, until I succeed. And then try to plan all of those appointments within two weeks, so that I won’t have to sleep in that cage for too long. Then take my investment Graeys with me, to the sunny US, and expand our partnerships there. I also want a partnership with Germany. And basically every other country on the globe. 

        “With us, you always have a home. We love you a lot. We are a family, we have quarrels, but you are and will always stay a part of us.”

        FUCK. OFF? Fam, quarrels are for bitches. It’s not an integrated part of family life. When it comes to conflicts, it’s, “Three strikes, you’re out,” for everyone, to me. No exceptions made for relatives. I feel like I’m the problem child, while I just want them to keep some fucking healthy distance. They want me to come home so bad, while I’ve only been away for two weeks. How am I ever going to move to California?

        I don’t like how cold I’ve become, but these snakes really have hurt me far too often. 

        I want to throw some punches, but going to the wellness center/gym has been cancelled. I’ll be bed petting today, contemplating about what the right decision is. 

        “Saving my Dutch Graeys” is saving them from flooding when the dikes break, by safely transferring them to the corporate island. Be safe with me, my Graeynissis ♥.

        12:29

        I don’t like how cold and hard my words are, but if I soften up, I’ll be taken advantage of even more. 

        “Yes great. And you?” 

        I actually slept pretty bad, but if I tell her, she might use that to spark another fucking therapy session. 

        “I’m going to look for investors and otherwise seek a job where you are sent abroad.” 

        The plan B was an impulse. I’m not going to do the job abroad thing. I’ll succeed in finding investors, for sure. 

        “It is normal, when you want to start a big business, to need investors. But I’ll find someone who believes in my plans”

        The but is to indicate the contrast between my “friends and family”, who don’t believe in me, and those who I haven’t met yet, who do believe in me. 

        “Again. Since I had already found that person and I then was, due to interference, not allowed to see him anymore.”

        A reference to when they forbade me to spend time with Benoît. How am I going to find someone like him. I actually don’t even want a substitute…. Oh, and when I say “a hug”, I’m just asking for less than I actually want, as usual. A form of wanting to be polite. I actually want him by my side for all eternity.  

        “It is always a calm period. I consider this situation calm as well. I don’t need your interference. Because I suddenly had to pay my tuition myself, I missed the moment to sign up. The next deadline to sign up is somewhere in January. I haven’t definitely quit yet, thus. Please don’t continue to interfere with my plans.”

        “Okay. I won’t interfere.”

        “What do you need now?”

        “I want a proper challenge. Now I know to what extent you’re there for me – you just want me to come home and have more therapy sessions, totally ignoring the reason why I’m still alive – I’m not going to say much about it. (Of course you can now say: “But I really want what’s best for you et cetera” now that I said this. But I see something completely different.) 

        I see them doing the opposite of supporting and helping me. I’m not going to say how fast I want to get out of there again. They might make it harder for me to succeed. They’re already basically making it financially impossible. 

        “Shall I extend your stay?”

        “You could help me by extending my stay for two days”

        “And then rent a car for me”

        “because I have too much luggage”

        “To travel by train”

        “And then one or two pitstops while driving”

        “The rental only to travel back”

        “To where?”

        “Home…”

        “Okay”

        “Yess what else can I do?”

        They’ve [I say they because my mother always speaks on behalf of her and “my father” [who doesn’t look like me at all, by the way. Physically and mentally, we’re completely different people. Since I was little, I hoped to hear that this was all just a nightmare in real life and he is not my father. Ah prrrr, if B were my father… Meowww don’t get me started ahahaaa. I wish I had a Graeyniss as my father…]] given me the same financial construction again, that leaves me no other option than to go home. But it’s cool. Then I can pack better next time. 

        I have the keys to my grandmother’s house. Why the fuck would I ever ask my house key back? I don’t want to fucking live there…

        “Could you extend my stay until Tuesday?”

        “And then (fix) a hotel for Wednesday and for Thursday”

        “Then I’ll be home on Friday”

        “Something like that?”

        “Please don’t think this is a holiday for me or anything.”

        Last time, when I ran away to the US, she said: “Now you’ve had some time to rest,” and shit. Then was more stressful, but this is still fucked up as well. 

        “I don’t mean rent a car to go with the train”

        “I have too much luggage to go home by train from here. A big suitcase, three large bags and a backpack”

        “I took the FlixBus to Wiesbaden, the night from October 25 to October 26”

        “And when I started to get bored with being there and I had visited the doctor, I took my rental car to Berlin”

        “On my birthday”

        “A little way of celebrating my birthday as well”

        “A hotel on the route”

        “I’ll pick them myself”

        “If you give me a budget”

        My way of texting shows how much I fucking hate to have this conversation. On LilFangs.com, I elaborate on things much more. (Maybe still not enough, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do things other than writing, in a day.)

        “Yes that is possible”

        Ahahaha omg the next text made my heart explode. 

        “I don’t think that. On the one hand it’s nice that you’ve been able to celebrate your birthday a little, but the uncertainty about having a place et cetera sounds awful to me”

        I read that as: “I know how you’ve felt, when I let you go crazy, like a fish on dry land, and I just let it happen.” Also, the “I don’t think that,” is similar to what I was trying to prevent, when I, earlier, said “But please now don’t say that you want what’s best for me.” 

        Driving for 6 hours is not a fucking celebration. It’s a way of not having to face people and have something to do on the day on which I didn’t see any loved ones, because I don’t fucking have any. 

        “Isn’t it better to travel by plane?”

        “Yes exactly. And that while my only “support” has money to blow and this is all so unnecessary. But it’s still better than being trapped in the province of Zuid-Holland.”

        “No I have too much luggage”

        “And the German highways will be good to me”

        “If I were to have a broad car”

        Small cars become shaky too fast. I’m referring to my “need for speed”-ish style of driving. 

        “Not that cookie jar in which I drove here”

        “My father” often calls small cars cookie jars, because the small body of the car is so vulnerable in an accident. 

        “(A [Renault] Clio)”

        “This was before I went grocery shopping for the apartment. The bags are now twice as big.”

        She might now think that I mean that for some magical reason, the bags doubled in size. Because she thinks I’m stupid. I mean that, since I have more things now, I have bought bags that are bigger. 

        “Okay”

        Droogz iz other reason I no travel avec plane. 

        “I would like to do some basic tourist shit, before I start my descent.”

        “So that’s why Tuesday.”

        I want to see the Reichstag/Bundestag. Haha it would be cool to see (this Cuddle¿) Angela Merkel and say: “Please hire me bby, I can do so much for you…” HAHA. Because it’s truee :D. For the future of Europe and stuff. And the coming immigrants crisis… I think I can be of great service! 

        Ohhh. I don’t like movies – when they’re made for the masses. This here seems interesting, though:

        This is playing tonightt

        But wellness hass been un-cancelled and I don’t know what to expect from this, so… 

        Ah meoww, I wanted to book a Bundestag visit focused on history, but it’s booked full until next week :(. The lectures are also booked full x_x. Bad luck strikes againnnn. 

        For my questions, I actually need a private tour, but who to ask these things. [My B… My bby… Other Cuddles¿ Meoww I wish I could reach you in a way in which you could respond back.]

        If you sign up on the Docis Int. website, we could talk via the social network on there… I’m using a content management system, though…

        16:08

        God damn I thought the conversation with my mother couldn’t get worse. Initially – the days before this – I told myself to persist with facilitating California. With the money she’ll now use to get me back to the Netherlands, she could also make me happy and either get me an apartment here or in the US. 

        “How are we practically going to do this with the payment of your room?”

        “I made the reservation with my credit card, but you don’t have that, of course. Shall I transfer money to you?”

        Shout out to the parents who give their children their bank cards. I wish I had at least one of that… 

        “Isn’t it more practical to descend tomorrow?”

        “Never mind. I booked it until Tuesday.”

        “Yes, it is more practical, but it doesn’t make me happy.”

        “Thanks” 

        I hate that I said thank you. It’s not something I want. My alternative is fucking suicide. Or moving in with this Cuddle… But I want to keep my “independence”.

        Ooh my god the things that are said now are so much and so shitty that I just need a break. I appreciate that I can share it with you ♥

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, November 9, 2018

        11:00

        Good morning! ♥ 

        How was your night?

        Mine was nice. Even just laying down, when I couldn’t sleep, was nice. I’m used to hearing cars and sirens from a busy road, because my bedroom at “home” is next to one. But this room I’m in now, is so close to a busy road, that with my eyes closed, it feels like the cars are dashing past, right across my room, even though I sleep on the second to last highest floor. (The noise is a down side. I need seclusion…)

        I’ll write some for D. O. C. I. S. and afterwards get ready. I’m going to see my Cuddle. 

        11:52

        Boii I think I can write a very unique executive summary… Too bad that today is already Friday and I have this place until Sunday x_x. Even if I were to send it today, chances are high that the soonest time I could get a response is Monday… 

        Part of me says that if I want to persist in keeping this form of independence, staying abroad, I should time the moment I check out and the moment some disturbing external parties know that I’m out on the street, very strategically. It would be embarrassing to be dragged to the car, by pulling one of my ears, while being given “a nice and hard reprimand”.

        13:07

        Change of plans… My Cuddle’s [¿I’m still not sure] work shift starts soon and is almost until midnight. I don’t feel comfortable with travelling late at night at the moment and I want to stabilize my sleep schedule. He has this type of shift the rest of the week. What to do about my sleeping options? 

        My plan is now to – after showering, because I’m still in bed – go to the library again. This time to change around the D.O.C.I.S. International website, to something more representative. May I include “donations with benefits” sections…? I ask, because, if you don’t want to do that, I won’t put it there. I really hope you’ll want to invest in me. I ask, instead of “peer pressuring” you, because I want you to make an independent and uninfluenced decision. I call it “donations with benefits”, because, since I’m registered in the Netherlands, I need a license to pay you dividends or anything else financial, and I don’t have the funds and papers for that licence, because of my age. 

        I, for sure, prefer executive summaries over pitch decks. Pitches sound so risky to me. As if you can, with the right charts, even get away with: “I sell farts…” 

        Ahahahahaha

        Meoww the summary will be in D.O.C.I.S.

        Ohh earlier:

        Zzzzz

        Meoww… I want to change the Docis Int. website, but in the current text, I say that I’ll be Daniëlle Lucy when I put the website back online. When I wrote that – before the MRI – I didn’t know that my life would have descended to this, by now. I hope you won’t mind if I “keep my emphasis on my Fangs character”, instead of switching main alias. 

        I’m going to take a shower xxx

        15:16

        “The post shower glow”

        Right before dashing out

        15:45

        I’m going to Subway for a sandwich, before going beast mode at the library until closing time. 

        The list of things I want to do in a day is ve-ryyy long. Before I “showcase my material for investors”, I want to have at least a finished “basic professional website” for Docis Int., a hybrid Daniëlle Lucy website, an updated LilFangs.com and I need the ebook D.O.C.I.S. to be finished by then… I “have to” do all of that by myself x_x. This because I’m more interested in your private funds, instead of commercial funds. You’re my target audience :D. 

        16:21

        Meow

        16:56

        Not entirely comfortable with using a public computer, but enfin…

        The computer froze right after I was done with the slider. It must be because it’s too hottt

        Haha strg + alt + ???. I ended up just clicking restart ahahahah

        Ahahaha I think my charts are hilarious. 

        Okay, I’m going to open registration to D.O.C.I.S. International. That means that anyone can sign up. Please don’t tell any barbarians that signing up is easy, open and free… I want to keep the quality… Please sign up :D. 

        19:15

        Ah meoww, this computer freezes every 15 minutes x_x. But I think I’ll be able to finish the basic layout, so that I can write the text on my phone. 

        The only reason to go past my parents’ house, is to pick up my chargers and my grandfather’s and the rest of my books. 

        21:10

        My fucking dinner x_x

        Budget liiife

        I was so busy working on the layout of the D.O.C.I.S. International website that I didn’t think of the donation possibilities until 30 minutes before the library closed. I ended up making this really quick. The goal is now set for €7.650.000,-, for the corporate island and facilitating the beginning phase. The corporate island has your future house and office on it. To be very honest, I think I need much more than €7,650,000.-. I’m just afraid of being rejected after having asked too much. [Reference to “the way I was raised”.] This because this money is intended for manufacturing books, not only written by me, the island will be bought and built on, we will create our own cross platform platform including its devices, a research project similar to Nosce Te Ipsum will be put into practice and marketed for, et cetera… Shout out to myself for initially wanting to earn this myself and then investing it all in the business myself, so that I wouldn’t have to pay interest. Haha I might be grey by age 23.

        I think “these commas” [I wrote the number down “the Dutch way” the first time, haha, so there weren’t any commas noted] make my feelings more clear. The reason why I wouldn’t mind ever seeing my parents again. The only thing I want to do in life is make this business thrive. [“Apart from” getting that hug…] I don’t give a fuck about having a lot of friends, getting myself trapped in modern slavery for “working experience” and what’s on TV and other shallow shit. [What they want and force me to do.] If someone sabotages my mission that relates to realizing my goals, that person needs to get out of my life and I will feel such a relief when it happens. I’m talking about breaking contact. 

        So my parents won’t make California possible for me – even though they can, with ease – and I am not going back home. What now? Check-out is coming Sunday at 12 pm. 

        ???

        ??????

        ¿¿¿¿¿¿

        ¿¿¿

        Funny thing is that I also still need to continue the medical examination, to be sure that I don’t have cancer and to solve my fatigue and headaches. But I don’t have money for thattt. 

        Something else trippy is: “die holländische Ausländerin”. I fucking can’t stand the way some people are so biased and racist towards colored people. Give me seclusion pleaseeee. 

        22:52

        I’ve been in Germany for longer than 2 weeks now. This is my more than seventh time in this country, my third time in Berlin and the first time I’ve been in this country for so long in a row.  

        This hussle to be away from my parents is good for my mental health, but veryyyyy bad for my financial health. 

        I really wonder if I’m now still going to become homeless again? Because there’s no fucking way I’ll be going back to the Netherlands. My parents think I’m here because I’m going crazy – I’ve been asked if I’ve been able to calm down – while I’m “just chilling” here, working on my business. I’ve been told several times that the psychiatry shit I fucking hate sooo much – something I’ve been fighting against since day 1 – will become worse when I come back. 

        23:44

        I find it very funny that today is the first day I’ve given a slight indication of the size of the funds I need.  The postponing is because rejection gives me palpitations and other health complaints. But maybe I won’t be rejected. It’s always one way or the other. There’s only one way to find out… 

        What to do tomorrow? I want to do something useful, but I think my mind needs rest and my body needs exercise. I’ve been offered to come to the wellness center tomorrow. I guess I’ll do that. Unless I’ll be offered a better alternative… [please¿]

        I’m off to bed. My eyes are falling shut. 

        Good night, my Cuddles ♥

        – xxx –

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, November 8, 2018

        11:16

        Good morning :]

        I’m killing some time before my next check-in. I guess, to be understood by my non-blog readers, I need to be A LOT more direct. I consider being direct, a form of barbarian unpoliteness. 

        The person I called my Cuddle, I gave that title way too fast. Something I always try to figure out when I meet someone new is: “Can you hear my thought frequency?”/”Do we have a similar personality?”

        But when that person’s sole intention is to get in my pants, of course everything will seem similar and positive. The night when I didn’t post, on the 6th, was when I realized I was getting myself further stuck in a life I should not be living. 

        I can become very close to someone in a friendship, when I think that I can trust that person. It is often mistaken for this type of relationship in which you’re monogamous, but not married. Even, “You’re my girl,” I, at first, interpreted as a statement that was built solely around a friendship, and nothing more than that. I lose hope when a few shallow conversations and chilling 5 days (in a row) lead to the wish for a marriage in which the stagnate life of one – not me – stays exactly the same. 

        So when I say, “Book me a ticket to California,” I’m saying that, because I feel like I need to dash out. I’m afraid to get beaten or eaten when I say that there is nooooo intention from my side, to say “Yes, that’s him. We’re dating.” 

        And then, my perspective isn’t even asked. I just suddenly hear: “I expect these rooms to be clean by tomorrow.” I thought it was a joke. There’s no way I’ll ever do that. To become a housewife, who cooks and cleans someplace where the cleaning is done once a year. Once. A. Year. 

        So when I saw that the place I have until Sunday, is 15 minutes from my previous place – s/o to my mother for not letting me sleep on the street tonight – both feelings of “yay” and “nay” became twice as strong. 

        “Yay”, because I don’t think that I would have been able to fight off my suicidal tendencies, if I would have become homeless again. Especially not when my phone is about to die, and I have so much luggage that I don’t think “Oh, I’ll go here for a cup of tea,” or anything, so I would be straving and feeling like the situation is the same situation as when I was missing, all over again. The “yay” is also for keeping my independence and not thinking: “Oh, it’s very nice that I can stay here. If I get a job, I can then get my own place next month and stay here until I get it.” Because who says that I’ll be able to pack in all of my luggage again and casually leave? 

        That also leads to the “nay”. The person who is closest to me, currently, in terms of location, is the person whose amount of “love” leads to a great level of unpredictability. My parents are a 7 hour drive away from me. So to hear: “I’m giving you a place to sleep until Sunday, I won’t let you go to California, no matter how much you want it. There are other options too. We can think of those options, if you really don’t want to come home,” made me want to scream out of fear. Why leave me here? It’s so easy for them to fix a place in California for me. 

        Everywhere I go, now, I’m afraid to see that one “Cuddle”. For my “safety net” to just leave me here, is another factor that sparks my worries. After them saying: “After you get your gymnasium diploma, we won’t interfere with your decision making anymore,” and them then demotivating me from doing business, by listing everything that can go wrong, “with facts”, not wanting to invest in me and at some point even forcing me – I’m talking about the usual dosage of parental intimidation – to unsubscribe my business and to live 9 – 5, I thought shit couldn’t get worse. But it just did. And this right after my 22nd birthday. I’ll carry this shit around with me, for the rest of my life. 

        The gap between the masses, who are “connected 24/7” and us, is so large, that I could basically get kidnapped and no one would know. But when I tell people who I consider part of the masses that I’m Lil Fangs, they see me as someone who hit rock bottom, who makes things that aren’t suitable for the masses “and thus not good”. Somehow it also leads to them thinking that they need to teach me shit? There’s nothing more annoying, to me, than someone who is not as intelligent as I am, to treat me as if I don’t understand life, and to then lecture me on shallow shit. 

        In the meantime, I’m writing down an alternative structure for the D.O.C.I.S. International holding:

        *insert image later pls don’t forget it lol*

        I’m hesitant with sharing my exact location. I made some other pictures on my way here. I’ll share them when I’m in my hotel room. I’m killing some time here where I am right now, until checking in. Feeling slightly awkward, because I have even more luggage now, and I’m staying there for only 3 nights. But I’m learning how to not give a fuck very fast now :D. The situation I’m in feels like such a peak, I can’t help but express how I truly feel and repetitiously tell myself [not out loud…] that those who talk about me behind my back, are empty talentless shells, who are jealous of my capacities. 

        15:56

        Double s/o to my mother. The room I’m in is very chill. From my window, I’m looking out over one of the most popular streets in Berlin. Or should I say the most popular street in Berlin? 

        I miss this “Cuddle”… It’s strange. In the context of his vision on our relationship, I do not miss him at all, but I miss being around someone with a personality that is at least a tiny bit similar to mine. If the right topics of conversation are discussed, it’s great. But I just shouldn’t go back, I think… I can’t do it, because I can’t predict his response and how to anticipate on that, when I say that I won’t be staying with him. And that I might leave Germany soon. Especially if it’s in his own home, I don’t dare to speak those words, that might hurt him.  

        I thought hotels weren’t allowed to have rooms that allow smoking, these days… Ahahah it’s very chill that it’s (still) allowed (here).

        17:10

        So when people who live closer to the equator speak of barbarians in the north, do they then mean the north of Germany as well? I know they must think of most of the Netherlands. 

        I just went back to my previous apartment to return the key to the luggage storage, I forgot in my pocket, when I rushed myself to the exit, when my taxi arrived. 

        It feels so random to enter a building, by opening a safe outside, and to then in that safe find the key to open the main door. Solely to go inside and place this magnetic box back in the place where it was hidden.

        I’m taking the S-bahn back. I found the ticket machine this time. Oof, that fine I don’t want to pay x_x.

        The final reforms for D.O.C.I.S. International [I always say “final”…] are looking great. I can’t wait to break them down in D. O. C. I. S.

        But first, I need to eat. All I’ve eaten today are a plum and some speculaas (in Dutch)/Spekulatius (in German). I thought there would be an option to eat something, when I was in the library. But after putting so much effort in getting a temporary (free) membership and finding a place to sit – it was very busy – I felt like going outside and coming back after eating, was too much, for some reason. It was a 30 minute walk there. I timed walking back to the apartment, where my luggage was, with the arrival of the taxi I had ordered for 3 pm. 

        18:09

        Meowww

        Haha, I was already wondering what my alternatives were going to be. I offered them to put their real estate project into practice, as a temp job, and then keep an eye on their projects. It was just an impulse, via text, since we were talking about what my options are. That offer was refused right away, because they want to think about it more. They have been thinking about it since 2012. My option”s” is come back to the Netherlands and have some more family therapy sessions. That’s not going to happen, man. I prefer death over that. But without a hug from Benoît, I will feel like I’ve ended my life too soon. Like I missed out on that highlight. I need that hug…… 

        Een visje 😻

        19:11

        “Lol” my cards just got declined x_x. But it’s fixed. I detest asking my parents for money, though x_x. 

        20:50 

        Het drosteneffect just reached level 6 :p

        My butt has shrunken x_x

        Things like this cause understanding problems: [Or should I say “problems in understanding”?]

        -> = means – bedeutet – betekent

        was (EN) -> war (DE) -> was (NL) 

        war (EN) -> Krieg (DE) -> oorlog (NL) 

        Something messy that is untouchable [like my worries when it comes to my (financial) future, “mess” doesn’t apply in this context] (EN) -> I can’t find a German translation of this (DE) -> war (NL) [“Ik ben in de war” (NL) = “I’m confused” (EN) in the way that makes you scream “CHOCOLATEEE” like that one fish in that Spongebob episode]

        21:33

        Starving shouldn’t be a part ever x_x

        This says: “In drawings, write down the full strategy [since it’s now actually just a zillion snippets] for D.O.C.I.S. International and a happy Fangs. It saves time + the concept of time is driving me crazyyy!”

        I didn’t know that I was supposed to give him money for the picture x_x

        23:29

        Good night my loves ♥ 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, November 7, 2018

        00:58

        Heeeey 😀

        As I mentioned earlier, by means of giving my aching head some rest, I’m writing less. The amounts of time trying to break down how I intend to manifest, within my life, touching on the lives of many, my Volta, in which I go from: “I’m so broke and having so much bad luck, I might never make it,” to “From the way things are looking right now, it’s so clear that I’m on the right path to achieve everything I have listed for us,” without that Volta taking place, is starting to bore me. 

        12:07

        Soo tomorrow at 10 I have to check out of my Airbnb. My friend has asked me to move in with him and I have replied: “Yes.” 

        I made some picturess:

        It’s interesting how different the shape of the map is now

        13:12

        I’m now in the Straßbahn on my way back to my apartment. I need this day all to. I still haven’t gone to the doctor’s office yet, but I did make an appointment for yesterday. I missed it… x_x 

        Tomorrow, I need to have checked out of my Airbnb by 10 am. I haven’t made any reservations for any other places to stay. When my friend said: “You can stay at my place as long as you want,” I accepted that offer with open arms. Now that marriage has popped up from the other side, as a serious topic of conversation, I feel like my world has shrunken. Going back home is not an option for me. 

        Andd bad luck strikes again:

        I thought there would be a ticket machine in the vehicle itself, like in the tram

        What to do… I suddenly see myself turning 56 in the same spot/situation I’m in now. I need to keep my independence, but how to fix this in one day… I have no other place to transfer my luggage to, tomorrow… 

        13:57

        Nog een keer oversteken – ik sta nu voor een stoplicht – en dan ben ik terug in mijn apartement dat ik nog maar een nachtje heb. Ik wil nu eigenlijk een ander apartement hier. Of verhuizen naar California…

        Het is echt jammer dat ieder persoon dat op mijn pad komt – Benoît uitgezonderd – zo’n minimale interesse heeft in wat ik doe. Het zijn steeds mensen die me gewoon bij zich willen houden uit eigenbelang. Mensen die zeggen: “Nee. Ga maar niet naar California. Blijf maar hier, bij mij. Hier is het goed. Hier ben je gelukkig.” Ehm nee?  

        Als de mensen die me continu van die kut berichten sturen met “Alles gaat goed komen. Je kan op me rekenen bla bla bla,” misschien een seconde zouden nadenken over de achterliggende gedachte van wat ik hier schrijf en de situatie waarin ik zit. De enige persoon die ik hier “ken” heeft de enige twee paperback exemplaren van mijn boeken, die ik heb meegenomen. Hij weet waar ik verblijf en hij biedt me het enige permanente onderdak, naast mijn slaapkamer in Nederland, waar ik niet naar terug wil. Hij wil met me trouwen, maar ik ken hem pas net en Benoît heeft al een monopolie op mijn hart. Ik wil iemand die zo emotioneel is niet kwetsen. Vooral niet binnen de muren van zijn eigen huis, kilometers van mijn apartement vandaan, waarin ik niet kan zeggen: “Ik heb er even genoeg van. Ik trek me even terug.” 

        Ik was vergeten hoe snel een monogamie vandaag de dag ontstaat. “Kunnen we een gesprek voeren van langer dan 10 minuten? Maak je me opgewonden?” Checklist complete. Zo werkt dat niet bij mij, maar dat wordt niet gevraagd. Er is altijd een positieve aanname… 

        Haha rock bottom Fangs calling for the investment and network I need to start making some real positive shifts. Flehs can’t keep me in a bird cage. 

        Iets waar ik echt moe van word is zo veel moeite doen om iets te vertalen, terwijl de inhoud nog steeds nergens toe leidt. 

        De “now or never”-heid van mijn situatie maakt me duizelig. 

        Iets waar ik vandaag de dag fangneigingen van krijg, is staccato en imperatief taalgebruik. 

        Ik wil zo graag de hele dag huilen en in mijn bed liggen, maar dat is zonde van het apartement waarin ik zit, op deze “gunstige locatie” en de hele grote hoeveelheid boodschappen die ik heb, die ik niet heb op kunnen maken, omdat ik ineens veel meer tijd dan mijn intentie was, heb doorgebracht op de plek waar ik “Ja” heb gezegd tegen de permanente verhuizing van alle bezittingen die ik bij me heb, van de locatie waar ik tijdelijk verbleef, naar zijn permanente woonlocatie. 

        I asked my mother, who has sent me these: “I got your back. Ask me if you need anything,” messages quite often, to make California possible for me, just a few minutes ago. Back, I received: “Okay. I’m going to spend some time to process what you just said to me.”

        Ik vraag me af of mijn onderbuikgevoel me misleidt, of dat het waar is dat ik heb geslapen in een bed waarin regelmatig geplast wordt en dat er ook urine zat in de thee die ik heb gekregen. Ik hoop dat dit niet waar is en dat mijn geest gewoon een schepje heeft toegevoegd aan de hel van een situatie waarin ik me bevind. Zodra mensen me dingen willen gaan vertellen over wat ik allemaal moet doen om de relatie met mijn ouders te verbeteren, ben ik er al gauw klaar mee. 

        Ooh shit, ik denk dat ik het maal van morgen,  bij “””””mijn schoonouders¿””””” zal moeten afzeggen?

        Hey, dit klinkt misschien vreemd, maar ik ben echt toe aan een vakantie… 

        If someone keeps telling me: “Put your phone away,” while the conversations are empty, whatever we have won’t last long. I want to keep regularly updating my blog. It’s one of the few reasons why I use my phone. I use it for writing, for listening to music and to search for information. 

        17:14

        About 16 hours left until I need to check out. Currently, I’m trying to cook my fridge empty. As in, I just ate two schnitzels, I’m making pasta and I’m making pudding with a stew of fruit and nuts later, just to empty my fridge. 

        What to do, to steer my life into the right direction……

        19:03

        This feels like the same form of financially being stuck, as when I was in the US. I have, again, told my mother about it and asked for help, as per request, but this time I’ve mentioned that I don’t want her to use the same financial construction that leaves me no other option but to go home and that she should involve Benoît in the search process the way she did when she thought that I was missing. Right now, she doesn’t know where I am either. He knows where I am… 

        He’s the only person I can and want to talk to, right now. Seeing him would restore my faith in mankind a slight bit. My feelings of heartache, grief, living through a trauma, et cetera, would disappear, if only I were to get one hug from him… He’s the only person who I want to be touched by, ever, but only when, by his independent decision making, I’m his Cuddle. 

        The things I go through, just to be in an environment where my mission isn’t being sabotaged… It’s crazy… Especially since I write everything down, while still only a very small percentage of people knows. Not that everyone has to know what I’m going through. It’s more that repetitiously people text me to ask how I’m doing et cetera, while I write down everything here. 

        I need seclusion. The emotions I’m holding in really need to get out… 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, November 5, 2018

        09:57

        Good morning!

        How was your night? 

        Mine was very nice! So nice, that I actually want to continue sleeping, but the doctor’s practice closes at 1. I’ll use the 13:00 – 15:00 break for my nap :]. 

        Yesterday, I signed up for this “freelancers/sole proprietors working together in the library” Meetup. I ended up cancelling it. I’ll only go to this other meetup tomorrow, about storytelling. I want to avoid being asked the question/lying about why I’m here. Especially in the context of working together and thus possibly networking, I don’t want to introduce the personal side of myself with this “bad impression drama story” that has stranded me here. 

        Only the Cuddle, I’ve told a little bit about the situation with my parents and stuff. [He is the only person who has told me “happy birthday” in person. Multiple times 🙂 ♥] Other than that, I’ve been saying that I’m on a round trip through Germany… 

        The storytelling Meetup will probably mostly consist of speeches. If there’s an open mic opportunity, I might say something. [I don’t know what yet. Maybe I’ll improvise.] 

        I’m going to warm yesterday’s dinner for breakfast. I would rather eat something sweet, now, because I’ve eaten so many savory dishes [and so many potatoes¡] in a row, but I left my milk at my Cuddle’s place. I also haven’t bought Grieß yet, so either way eating something sweet isn’t really an option. I’ll do that for lunch :D. 

        10:32

        It’s good to not use a microwave

        When I asked my Cuddle what he wanted for dinner, he said that he wanted to try something typically Dutch. So I thought of making stampot met andijvie for him. In the supermarket, I noticed the difference in product range… It seems like the products here are imported a lot less often :). And there are no sections with “ingredients from other cultures”…? Or maybe they just didn’t have it in the discount supermarket we went to. 

        Ah, meow, I miss my Cuddle :[. Now I’m actively missing two Cuddles x_x. Hmm I should give them separate Cuddle names. Cuddle Visje and Cuddle Bear? Cuddle Bear calls me Süße and his Katze. That’s sooooo Cuddle 😻&#x1F63B;.

        You know what’s funny? That it’s now 10:57 on the first Monday of the month, so that means that in the Netherlands, in one hour and three minutes from now, in all of the Netherlands, the air alarm, intended “to indicate when there’s a war threat in the country” [as a joke, some say “de Duitsers komen”…] – but actually, it’s to indicate when the dikes break – will go off and here, there will just be silence. Ahahahahahaha it’s just funny to me. I mean if whatever country wants to start a war against the Netherlands [I think the peace mentality of any other country might be too great], then they should have this air alarm, too, right?

        I thought the Netherlands aren’t part of the United Nations? 

        It sounds as if only the king is part of the UN?

        So it’s in the law that the king can do anything and get away with it. My modern Stoic heart isn’t happy to hear this. The role of a governor as representor of the country that owns the colony, sounds so modern slavery-ish…

        So this was there before the UN was there…? I forgot that the map has changed so recently. Look at France, for example… 

        Okayy meoww I need to hurry up now. I’m only going past the doctor’s office to ask if they can do the test for me and to ask if I can take the cup to my apartment, since they need my morning urine, and I always wake up with the need to pee. Otherwise I’ll need to run to the doctor’s office right after waking up, haha…. 

        12:43

        I’m high speed walking to the doctor’s office right now. The next time I see my Cuddle, I want to involve him on my blog :D. 

        Look at this Sweetniss he gave me:

        13:04 

        As an automatism, I said: “Thank you so much! I love you too!” Not thinking about the huge amount of meaning that is behind it. Now there’s so much else I want to say! The way the card is signed reminds me of the way people used to sign the wall. His emotional attachment and fear of heart break – something I have too – must have been amplified as a result of the wall. It’s bad for your self confidence to,  as such a great country with so much intellectual property, be oppressed and blamed for no legitimate reason. 

        I memorized the map. My phone is going to die xxx

        14:20

        I don’t want to sound Dutch, but… 

        This was only €22.29!!!

        For fennel, I usually pay more than €4, in a regular supermarket… 

        14:44

        My Griesspudding 😻 

        16:36

        If you call me and your phone number starts with +31, chances are high I won’t pick up… I’m dealing with the “they’re trying to trace my location” paranoia. Haha today was the first time I got a call from the Netherlands, since October 29. This time, it was a call from the 055 area, where I don’t know anyone, I think, so it must have been some telemarkeer again x_x… I’m from the 010 area [“netnummer”]. For house phones. So +31(0)10 is how “my” house phone number starts. 

        Ohh look at my stack of laundry:

        I spread it over 2 machines x_x. (On the left, not on the picture, there are another washing machine and dryer.)

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, November 4, 2018

        07:50

        Good morning! 

        Hahahaha it’s been a long time since I’ve taken moments off from writing. 

        I just handed in the rental car. 21 minutes left until my tram comes. 

        I’ve been here 2 times before, but I’ve never been in den Fernsehturm…

        I’ve never seen a city so quiet in the morning… That’s so chill :D. Is it because it’s Sunday? Usually, when I’m being a tourist somewhere, with my family, we leave the apartment/hotel room, to do things, around 11 or 12 or something.

        Something I’ve learnt is that I speak Southern German. The Berliner dialect sounds very different from “my dialect” [I also use words from Dutch and/or English, when I don’t know it in German]. On the one hand, it’s very cool and interesting, but on the other hand, it’s annoying to have a language barrier. That didn’t withheld having a good time with my Cuddle, though :).

        I must say that I feel very much at home here. One thing that is becoming urgent, since I have this studio apartment until the 8th, is that I need to get some source of income. I would love to pitch D.O.C.I.S. International for some investors, but, currently, I think that the heat of my personal situation – risking to become homeless – will make the pitch feel too much like it’s all or nothing, which might cause me to suffer from “plankenkoorts”… Literally translated, that is “planks fever”. Figuratively translated, it’s “stage fright”. It doesn’t really apply in this situation, I think, for I know – not speaking from experience – pitching for investors as wearing formal clothing in a cosy room, with a tv screen with charts on it, while you explain how the investor will get his/her money back, using your market research as “facts”.

        I would feel more comfortable on a stage with eyes fixed on me, than in a small room with eyes fixed on me. 

        09:17

        Some pictures that I hadn’t uploaded yet, in the order from yesterday to today…

        Yesterday, when I arrived

        I think this is a very nice studio :]

        I carried everything to the apartment at once. The closest parking spot I could find, was a garage 6 minutes away from here. My back still hurts…

        Meow… It’s the first time walking with “the semi-permanent mark”

        Somehow I ended up not extremely damaging the car

        It felt a bit like that one Austin Powers scene haha

        The moment I dropped this Cuddle off at work, around 7 in the morning, and I had to go for gas and then hand in the rental

        Right after handing in the car

        Breakfast part 2

        I’m going to take a nap now. There’s a lot of sleep to catch up on, after this two-day hang-out with my Cuddle :].

        17:09

        So a few days ago, I mentioned how I wanted to share everything about how I’ve spent those days up to when I came back to being by myself. I’m going to keep it short, because, even though it was very nice, I’m not proud of the way in which I’ve tried to distance myself from the problems I’m currently having, financially and future-wise. 

        I don’t know if I’m too fast with saying that I made a new friend, but I’m glad to have met someone with such a nice character. 

        On my birthday, when I was swimming, at some point, a member of staff came to tell me that the pool was about to close. We ended up talking a little, and he invited me over to the spa and wellness center for the day after. 

        The day after, I went there, around closing time, again. We were all alone in the sauna. He gave me a salt peeling and creamed in my body afterwards. The creaming in ended up in him masturbating me. I couldn’t resist.

        When the spa center was closed and we were still there, I told him that I was hungry, and he offered to cycle to a food place nearby to buy me fries and a hamburger. We talked a lot, smoked some and spent the night together. 

        The day after, after checking in to my apartment, I drove over to his place, for some late lunch. We smoked some again and napped together. Naps being more than just naps… I later made dinner and met some of his friends. In the night, we played some games on his PlayStation 1, I spent the night there and dropped him off at work, after which I handed in my rental car and went back to my apartment. 

        Something I find hard to communicate through, is that I don’t have intentions of being monogamous with anyone other than Benoît. Only with him, I can move forward, but I’m so afraid to hurt people. 

        What I need is a friendship in which I don’t put my work on hold, when I’m with this friend. I want us, when we’re together, to co-write and make pictures together and stuff. 

        I’m now going to shower and wash my hairs. I haven’t had time to shower in three days… 

        20:33

        I’ve washed both my natural hair and my wig, unpacked some and made myself dinner:

        Kartoffeln [potatoes :D], kidney beans, bacon, an union and cheese. My spices used were “curry”, cinnamon and salt. 

        Tomorrow, I have intentions of going to the library, to work on D. O. C. I. S. and to desperately seek for epiphanies. I have this studio until November 8 and after that I’ll be stuck with this crazy amount of luggage and no roof over my head. For most jobs I can apply for, housing isn’t included. I keep picturing this strange routine, in the first month of work, where I can’t yet afford a place to stay, so after work I wander around and sleep outside. That’s not going to happen. Applying for a job feels not like the right thing to do, for me. This because I don’t intend to stay there for the long term. As soon as I’ve found the right people for D.O.C.I.S. International, I’ll quit the side job. But this finding [or re-uniting] of members can happen at any moment. It could happen after 3 years, but it could happen tomorrow as well. That’s why I don’t want to apply for a job. I don’t feel comfortable with signing a contract, in which I agree with the sacrifice of my free time, for a certain period or “for life”, while, with the right (sudden) engagement in my own business, I could stop attending to my side job right after being hired. 

        So I’ll be writing D. O. C. I. S. further, tomorrow. I also need to find the right doctor’s office. A problem is, however, the fact that I’m almost completely out of money and I still need to buy new groceries. 

        I’m going to stop staring into screens for the rest of the day. 

        Good night♥

        -xxx-

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Saturday, November 3, 2018

        10:30

        Good morning ♥ 

        Last night was so awesome :D. It was like a movie! Meoww I want to tell you all the detailssss. But first, I need to finish my breakfast and pack, because check-out is at 11. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, November 2, 2018

        09:55

        Good morning! 😀

        This is soo Cuddleee

        12:03

        I’m back in my hotel room. My work out was niceee. 

        This was what I meant with: “There’s a tablet in my room”, which I mentioned yesterday. You can see my room number ahahah

        What I’m trying to say is that a schizophrenic can’t do this, so I’m not one. The machine didn’t – by the way – count my distance and calories, during my intervals of running backwards.

        What I needed 😻 

        The view from my room is Cuddle tooo

        I’m now going to get my razor and shaving cream out of the car, shower and shave – haha meoww I’m such a hairy cat right noww, seek for a cheap place where I can have lunch, get a massage, probably take a nap, then I have a dinner reservation at 18:30, swim when my food is digested and then – if I have some energy left – wash my hair etc. Oh, before I go to the garage, I should call Sixt to ask if I can return the car a little later, tomorrow. I have too much luggage to go to my final roof above my head – the Airbnb – by public transport. 

        14:36

        Meoww I took so long to shave, that I won’t make it to find a cheap place to eat, before my massage. I really can’t miss out on that, because my muscles are crazy tight. I’m eating some almonds right now. 

        I think I’m going to apply for a job as game tester/translator… I don’t have any university degrees or any years of working experience in anything relevant, so my options that semi-suit me – when it comes to the challenge and the income, even though I’d rather have more of both – are functions in customer service, or functions related to writing and/or translating. The way some Dutch customers became aggressive, when I worked for the car insurance department of the Royal Dutch Automobile Association, has traumatized me, so I think game testing is better for me.  

        What I would much rather do is, as a sole proprietor, do something with strategy, working with numbers, a lot of writing, a lot of reading and a lot of brainstorming. 

        16:19

        This was for sure one of the best massages I’ve ever had! The tension in my shoulders is crazy, though. She had been massaging it for quite some time, and it still didn’t fade/still kept coming back. 

        I wish I had a partner who I could give a massage every night, and get one from him[/her, since I’m bisexual, but B stole my heart, so this is an indirect reference to him]. I wish this partner were my partner in crime, in doing the challenging form of mental labor I described before. If our lives are intertwined like that, negative emotions will vanish, and never return!😻 I think that then, I’ll finally have someone in my life who can relate to my thoughts, actions, feelings and emotions. I’ll be able to relate to that of him/her much better than of that of people with less challenging ambitions. 

        My heart really doesn’t want a job that doesn’t get the maximum out of my capacities. I need to think about how to get that occupation – before November 8 lol – and what to do with my business website, then. Also, I really need to start looking for the right place/people/person who can teach me more about the economical and political history of Europe, from a non-Dutch perspective. 

        18:44

        I think Berlin is the perfect place to pick up where I left off my study on how the system works. I started with researching the background of what I was taught in school. After my finals, I started to study past and present propaganda. Now, I would like to know how exactly national and international financial chains are set up, how politics really work – but the real version that includes lobbyists and social media and stuff, not the euphemism I’ve been taught in school – and how other countries describe the timeline of history. 

        Berlin is the right place to start, I think, because in school, I’ve been taught that the collection of agreements between countries, which ended up creating the European Union, started after the second world war [give me a good reason to capitalize the letters of the name of a war¿]. I’ve been taught [but I’m not sure what to believe, since the cold war was described as a “good vs bad”, while we should have been taught an unbiased perspective. I don’t know what else is biased] basically that “in the name of Adolf Hitler”, Rotterdam was bombed in 10 minutes, after the Netherlands surrendered right away and that before that, Poland was bombed – but in the teaching, the situation of Rotterdam was, “of course”, emphasized. This because Hitler, who was against the existence of certain “races” [they teach that he hates Jews, but that he might have been a Jew himself], wanted more “Lebensraum” for his people… Now, it could be possible that in other countries, the story is completely different. But this was what I had to learn for my gymnasium finals. 

        The German parliament is located in Berlin [I’ve been taught that Hitler “probably” caused the “Reichstagbrand” to win the elections and call out the emergency situation where the government is allowed to ask everyone’s ID’s and stuff], so I guess that is the right starting point to research other perspectives. 

        I also want to know what other countries say about the role of the Netherlands in the whole thing, because I think that even for “Lebensraum” – which sounds like such a random reason to start the whole thing – attacking the Netherlands is a waste of ammunition. After slavery was abolished, their Golden Age was over. This is what I know, because I’m from Surinam, and my grandfather has taught me my personal history. This is not in their history books. They used to earn from kaapvaart and other illegal shit. 

        Now, Google translate says that “kaapvaart” is “privateering”, but the definition of “to privateer” sounds much more innocent than “kaapvaart”. Kaapvaart is what “illegal pirates” do.  Stealing from other countries and stuff. [They say Britain made a deal to sell opium to China and in that way stay in control over them¿]

        I also think that it’s dumb to teach children this from AGE 4 [I used to feel like I was born in hell]. Especially those whose parents are easily manipulated, who manipulate their children. I know people who “hate Germans and Belgians”, “because of their history”, even though they have never crossed the Dutch border or only go to these locations abroad where only Dutch people go. [Just like they hate me for being black. To me, they do fucking express it.]

        You should check out a Dutch history book for 10-year-olds. [Fast, before they suddenly change it, because I don’t think that they want other countries to know the shit they teach their children about them.]

        I have often failed history tests, because I stuck to stating my answers as “the book says” and not as “these are real facts”.

        Anyway, after their Golden Age was over [they, by the way, in history books, state that they fucked up Antwerp’s harbor to make Rotterdam the biggest harbor], I think they suddenly felt very small and vulnerable, which is why they need(ed) the European to [HAHA] “keep their heads above water”. That’s a literally translated Dutch saying, “het hoofd boven water houden”, which means to (financially) survive. 

        A lot of my fellow Dutch students used to tell me that they hate studying history,”because it has already happend in the past, so why do they have to study it now”. I didn’t enjoy some chapters in history, because I don’t understand why they put the emphasis on that. For the final exam, we had to know “everything” about world war two, and the chapters about the slavery colonies of the Dutch, were skipped, “because it’s not important”. It’s the reason why I was born in that fleh country :(. So I think it’s ve-ryy important.

        Haha omg, the Geography teacher I had in my second year of “de middelbare school”, on gymnasium level, used to make all kinds of biased (racist) statement about people from Surinam. She used to say shit like: “Surinamese people wear fake gold.” [My gold isn’t fake…] “Surinamese people believe that they don’t have to go to work/school when it rains.” [In Suriname, it can rain just as bad as in the Netherlands – only in Suriname, there can be a power outage in the entire city, a few times a week, because of the rain. People just continue to live their lives…]

        Throughout all the things they teach about history, they make it seem as if the status of their country is a challenge, and they “want to be the best of the world”. 99% of the people with a Dutch nationality I know are nationalists, who say that in the Netherlands things are better than in other countries. [E-ve-ry single person is so biased against Russia. I must say, because of the stories I’ve been told, as a black person, I’ve also been very hesitant with going to Russia. Now, if I don’t go alone – because I can’t read/speak Russian – I am very interested in going there. They say they are so racist against black people, that they kill them. During the international exchange, black people weren’t allowed to participate in the exchange with Russia.]

        Flood the place? I think the world needs further unification. That’s not possible if this one international deep state party is solely out for sole profit. [I don’t want to sound Dutch, but “I’m safe now, far away from those dikes, so…”]

        I also think the Dutch have made people from other countries very insecure, by saying “Dutch is very difficult. It’s the opposite of everything you know.” I’ve met people who think that in Dutch, “no” means “yes” and “yes” means “no” and other nonsense. Dutch is a simplified German dialect. German has “Fälle” [“cases”, Gtranslate says]. Dutch has been simplified that far – and still even the most high-ranked, formal people make so many mistakes in their language – that there are no cases anymore.

        Dutch: “Ja, ik ga met de auto naar de supermarkt.”

        German: “Ja, ich gehe mit dem Auto zum Supermarkt.” [I did this from the top :D. I did after-check it, only to see that I already wrote a correct sentence :D.]

        Do you see the similarities?

        I don’t know why, but every single person I meet abroad, who knows about the existence of the Netherlands, always says “Oh, that must be such an amazing country.” I always respond with something like: “I guess….?” Because I don’t want to fuck up their positive energy. Actually, I want to say: “Have you been there? The majority of people there is already biased against you, without even knowing you.” 

        I wish I could translate some Dutch television shows for you. They state their freaky nationalist shit and biases on national television! 

        Me being declared a schizophrenic has soooooo been in their advantage. I now risk that people won’t believe my words and people not wanting to work with me, without even knowing me,  solely because of the label I’ve been given. 

        My dinner:

        It has been a “financially risky” move for me, ordering that glass of Remy Martin XO, but I’ve told myself to just make the best of it and hope for the best. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, November 1, 2018

        [On Friday, November 1, 1996, 21:15, this wild Cuddle came into existence.]

        08:48

        Good morning ♥

        The cold is keeping me wrapped up, underneath the sheets. But I really need to get out of bed, because breakfast is until 10 am. 

        I expected to feel lonely, but actually, I feel so comfortable and happy about spending this day by myself. 

        It would be even better, if I could finally meet my dear readers in person, but I won’t spend my time wishing for something I can’t control. As in: I can’t teleport you to Berlin and make you say, “Fuck it,” to your unwanted weekday obligations. That must be your own independent decision. 

        I wish I could keep the level of comfort I will give myself today, or upgrade it. 

        So on the 26th my father told me that I can hand in my house key and that if I ever decide to come back, he’s going to make the psychiatry shit even worse. I hope you can understand my reasons why I’d rather die than go home ever again. I don’t feel like explaining this to the people who are brainwashed by the: “You must keep your family close,” sentiment, while they don’t even know why they’re saying it. 

        I’m going to take a shower xxx

        10:05

        A picture I took before I started to eat:

        As I’m writing this, only one and a half sip of tea are left and the chocolate filled pastry

        I haven’t responded to any “happy birthday” messages yet, but they’re starting to pile up. I’m so ready to devote the rest of my life to “making big shifts”, that I’m on the edge of ending every relationship of my past life, which still partially is my present life. Many words are needed to break down what I exactly mean by this. 

        In a little while, I’ll be packing and checking out. Before I start my 6 hour drive, I want to purchase extra work out pants and go to an ATM. I’ll be staying in a sports and spa hotel, and the single set of work out clothes I had with me, are dirty, so… 

        12:25

        I’ll be driving

        xxx

        15:15

        I’m now near Weimar. Had to stop for gas again. The tank of the Renault Clio I’m driving goes empty very fast. [Online, I reserved a CCMR class car, which contains a 2-door Mini, an Audi A1, or something similar. Is this really similar…?] My style of driving isn’t “””economical”””, without a turbo engine. My top speed with this car is now 203 km/h. 

        I decided to respond to the text messages I’ve received. Later, I’ll go over my Facebook wall. It feels random, receiving “happy birthdays”, while this is another ice cold day of homelessness, without being homeless yet. My predicted date of official homelessness is now the 8th November.

        18:52

        Cuddles to myself for giving me birthday comfort. The thing I like about this room the most, is that it has a scent similar to Benoît’s perfume/cologne. Super Cuddle 😻

        19:12

        This hotel is so pretty! And there are such handsome staff members 😻. I’m now in the restaurant. I ordered pumpkin soup and entrecote. 

        After this, I hope I can swim some. The pool is open until 23:00! [I’m used to pools closing at like 7 or something.] There’s a tablet in my room. Meoww the level of luxury here exceeds the price! 

        For longer than a year, I had been feeling a constant pressure all over my body. I can finally slowly feel it fade. Partially, I don’t know why I now feel this relief, because my current financial status says that I’ll be out on the street by next week Thursday. But I am going to max out this feeling that I always used to have, in the few years [in between age 17 and 20] I considered the peak of my life, which is now coming back to me. 

        It felt like a peak, because of the way my reasoning had developed itself. My thoughts were so peaceful and I had a perfect overview of everything. This was only on the inside of me. On the outside, I was surrounded by so many people who kept talking down on me. Every time I expressed myself, and I made a positive statement about myself, people tried [try] to prove me wrong.  

        I think this feeling of inner peace is getting back, because I’m coming closer and closer to leaving my old life behind. Even if I were to become homeless, I still won’t have to spend time with those who inflict their negativity and hurtfulness on me. They always try to tell me: “No, stop it, Dominique. You’re not the kind hearted and ambitious person you say you are. You’re just like everyone else here.” So many people lack confidence. Some have this because they aren’t strong, others have it, because the people who aren’t strong are jealous of them and they talk them to their level. 

        At the peak of my life, I was confident. After more than a year of modern shock therapy – they did it again, when I went to this psychiatrist in Amsterdam, with my parents – my confidence has been brought down a lot. When I distance myself from that [huge] group of people, who believe that I belong in that world – it’s just that 90% of their conversations is gossip and shit talking, they don’t have much else to talk about, I can’t even act as if I care about gossip anymore, so I think I make up a large part of their conversations behind my back, and they want to keep that “gossip fire on”, so they ask me to stay in their lives – I think this pressure will fade and never come back. 

        I don’t even like that most of my diary, these people are mentioned, but this is where I vent. I need to make new memories – for that, I need new friends – for this reason to vent to vanish. One day, this diary will become so different and much more versatile. 

        23:09

        I just came back from swimming. It was very relaxing! This is sooo chill! I wish I could stay longer… 

        Here comes the AfterWaterFangs picture collection:

        #represent @ the hotel bathrobe

        Meoww

        Oh, and I took these pictures earlier:

        A very hasty room tour because I was hungry and I still had to let my food slightly digest before swimming

        I’m going to head to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very full day! 

        Good night, my sweet Cuddle ♥

        -xxx-

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