00:19 (12:19 PM)
I’ve added some more text to 180 Days of Fangs. Haha woww in between September 21 and today, I’ve gone to Germany three times… And now suddenly I’ve been staying in Amsterdam, since the last time I came back from Germany. Around September, I was still staying with “my parents”. Turbulence level over 9000…
Now I’m not hungry anymore 🙂
I’m going to do some stretching/yoga, by means of being nice to my spinal column [wervelkolom (NL), Wirbelsäule (DE)] after being so bed petty… By petty I don’t mean the urban dictionary word petty!! I don’t like the urban dictionary form of petty. I mean being cuddly like a pet 😀 .
2018 has been quite a fucked up year [just like 2015 and 2017], but I must say that it comforts me, to see how much my diary has developed itself. I think my mind is reflected more clearly every day. (For me it’s easy to decipher an old article, but for someone who has no idea who I am, I didn’t elaborate on contextual info enough.)
Here’s some contextual info about my life riiight now: I’ve moved in with some family friends after leaving Germany somewhere last week or something… I don’t remember the date, but I could scour my diary to see when it was, the way I do for 180 Days of Fangs. I went to Berlin after my parents kicked me out. There, my bag got stolen, including my passport and bank cards, so I was forced to go back to the Netherlands, since, for medical assistance – one of the main reasons for choosing Germany – I need a passport. Also, my location of temporary residence there at some point was eating at me so much, that I decided to search for another place to stay.
Now my mother says that “my father” “always says things he doesn’t mean when he’s mad and that I should come back home”, but I am so done with that, because he has the stupidest reasons for kicking me out. He could just do it again right after I move back in. It’s not the first time he does this. I prefer consistency in having a place to stay. Also, I live for having my own very large house in which I can practice all of my favorite hobbies, so I’m not at all enthusiastic about living with “my parents”.
I say “my parents”, because I find that a true parent is a loving and supportive person and these people just force me to live the life they want to see me live. Also, I’m not certain if the man whose last name I carry is my biological father. Our characters are completely the opposite and my skin tone is far lighter than his (and my mother’s).
What I’m trying to work towards, to turn my business into the non-profit construction I want it to end up in, is to find Graeynissis who would like to be my checking guide, when I write a thesis that includes all of the aspects I want my business to cover.
The SBI codes my business is currently registered under have nothing to do with what I’m working towards. The person registering it said that for registration they only want to know what’s profitable right now and not what I’m working towards, for revenue tax reasons.
When the thesis is done and acknowledged by professionals, I’ll be able to put my shift to the system into practice [being subjected to it is a choice] and have some guided experience in it already, to guarantee itself of its success. The acknowledgement will give me the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. Once I have it, I can give it to others. I made up the title…
By Graeynissis I mean those who enjoy mental challenges, who would like to work with me on creating a new – but parallel, because the freedom of choice is very important – world. Entering it does still include a challenging application process, because keeping the standard of life high is very important in this parallel system. Life there is more in balance with nature and thus technology will be used in a very different way. A citizen should be prepared for that, so that’s why everyone who enters needs to have completed the (Nosce Te Ipsum) “self-test”.
Soo I guess today I’ll continue to work on that proposal of my thesis. But how can I incentivize you to say something to me? 🙁 I mean I’m making it for you – in my head, the idea is already beyond complete, so for me, personally, there’s no need to write it down – so that you can oversee the project, too.
We should then somehow arrange a meeting to discuss how we could tackle the project time-wise. Since you have your lifetime contract at your employer and you need to spend time with your family and stuff… This is my non-paying job [my intention is to still end up being able to buy a house with this], I don’t have children and with most relatives I don’t really have anything to talk about, especially because they mostly talk shit and think I’m a schizophrenic…
We also need to talk initial funds, since I do not only want to steal you from your lover… I also want to steal you from your employer and give you a much more satisfying salary 🙂 .
I would love to give you a similar form of freedom, but then drama free, in the way you spend your time, without making you look like the way people look at me. If I would be seen with you and we would put out this plan, which is the most revolutionary concept ever, hands down, people won’t look at me like that anymore for sure and you’ll be as free as you were when you didn’t have the unwanted obligations you have today.
Cuddle me? 😀
I’m going to sleep (03:28 (AM)). Forever bed petty hahaha
I love you ♥
– xxx –
Good morning 🙂
I just got off the phone with my cousin. We’ll be chilling on Thursday and in the meantime he’ll send me some references about learning about music production in Ableton 🙂 . He also advised me to add a donation button to this website. Haha “Help Lil Fangs de winter door” is going to become reallll. Just kidding haha, the cause will be more serious than that…. I need to cover my health expenses for abroad and I want to show you all of my talents. I can also give speeches, sing, verse, dance, play basketball, be a leader, be very fast when sprinting, strategize and think along on an operational level, in the context of making positive and practical changes to the system 😀
If I’d really want to do these things, I need to spend a lot less time cooking, but my body needs so much food to function – especially during the colder seasons – and I want to eat healthy, especially with my current health conditions, so I’d need to hire someone else to cook for me. Eating healthy is expensive, though. I currently can’t afford it… Here’s my breakfast:
I feel like I’m emptying the fridge haha 🙁
On the one hand, I feel like getting some more sleep. But at the same time, I want to work on my proposal, work on my websites, get some more exercise and buy more fruit and vegetables…
When it comes to my expenses for this blog, you should know that, because I do everything myself, it doesn’t cost me that much. I pay €36 per three months for webhosting. That’s it. I configured the domains and websites myself, including installing WordPress and its themes. The website layout themes I bought, fixed one time only costs, were about €100 in total for both LilFangs.com and Docis.International. It’s only expensive to have websites, when you have entire teams for web maintenance, typography and marketing and shit behind it. Because I’m multi-talented, for that, I don’t need a team. I need a team to operate on a beyond government level… Join me bitte ♥.
To attract more people to my website, I’ve spent some money on online advertising and buying likes and followers. The buying likes and followers was to indicate that other people view this website, too… I’m only not that much of a social media person myself anymore. Besides blogging here… So my social media accounts are kind of messy… I don’t really like them, because there’s not much freedom in the way you can share your content, there. But on marketing and everything for that, I’ve spent about €600 in total… I used my ANWB salary and study financing for it.
I’m, by the way, thinking of changing the website’s theme. I bought a new theme, a while back, because I intended to change my alias to Daniëlle Lucy, and I bought a new domain name and theme for it. But I think I’m more a fangy type of person, really, so I’m staying The Fangs :D. Lil Fangs… I have such nice costume ideas for this persona 🙂 .
I would rather change my real name, if it turns out that I’m not the daughter of mister Elia [I HOPE], but of mister Crutzen [I HOPE 😻 ], to Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen 🙂 . (If that’s true, then what am I requesting a new Elia passport for?) But how can I ever get personal clarity on this if probably everyone already knows yet, but they’re anti finding your father so sexy that you want to lake him, because he hasn’t fulfilled the role of a father in my life – I don’t know why I even suddenly think that he’s my father, it’s just a gut feeling… or schizophrenia hahaha :'( – but more that of a very short term mentor. And that while I rarely want to take people’s advice. “Rarely” because often people give me advice in one-liners, while they don’t even know what I’m working towards and it doesn’t fit the spectrum of anything you have ever seen yet. I want to reopen the discussion about my B and I, but if no one is backing me up, while I start this, just like last time, this can get me locked into a mental institution and I NEVEEEEEEEEER want to experience something like that again. Meow 🙁 .
[Seriously, what type of judgment did they give for our situation in that viral lie campaign? I didn’t have sex with him… 🙁 The pressure they put me under during the multiple hours of police interrogation just made me say crazy things… We just became friends and my parents didn’t allow me to see him, so when the police suddenly started to ask me questions about him, I hoped that they would lead me to him, so I just wanted to make it seem like we were close. And even if the having sex were true, that shouldn’t be seen as a crime if both parties want it. It wasn’t true, though. I didn’t want to tell them that I was trying to commit suicide, because they would get me an IBS and lock me into a mental institution… I still ended up there, but without an IBS. They have still treated me as if I had one, which is against the law, but everyone is looking away from this and just watches me struggle, like an animal in a cage 🙁 . You have no idea what you’ve been involved in and how much I’ve been left in the dark about all of this… It can be so that I believe the parental lie they’ve been telling me all my life. People started to tell me about what happened during the campaign, in October 2017, while it happened in like June/July 2017… I never intended to cause so much shit… I just wanted to escape the oppressive regime of “my parents”, just like I do today. Just like I’ve been doing for quite some parts in my life, but they won’t tell you that side of the story. Simultaneously, I’m still not heard, while I have right to be heard, too, no matter how fucking heartless I seemed in that campaign. THAT IS NOT EVEN ME, DAMMIT 🙁 . Now I’ve become this PTSSy bed cat 🙁 .]
It’s 12:32 (PM) and I still haven’t finished my pie, because I actually do not have a sweet tooth at all. Especially not when the food is not hand made, but made by a machine. But I need to eat something and eating not the same things in a row is very important to me. Truthfully, I don’t really have sugary eating habits. I drink my tea without sugar…
Ah meoow I don’t know how to respond to my mother’s text message about going Christmas shopping on Saturday. I don’t want to talk about this situation I’m in and the sadness in her words always makes me even more depressed… And then I’m going to try to lift her up, while she still thinks that I’m fucking insane, and then she ends up hurting me when her level of confidence is up, elaborately describing how I have nothing and fully depend on her and this fucking vlerk wiens achternaam ik heb. It has been going the same way every time for months now. I really don’t feel like small talk. I really prefer to stay away from those who can have such a negative influence on my emotions.
I guess I’ll take a shower, head over to the toko [I so love living close to a toko 😀 ], because I want to eat a serious amount of green vegetables today, and start to work on my websites and the rest of the proposal.
Tot later xxx
16:46 (04:46 PM)
In the meantime, I’ve gone grocery shopping, made the veggies and thrown a semi-formal fit at the Dutch embassy in Berlin. I’m still in the process of getting my new passport – with such an ugly picture 🙁 – sent to the Netherlands.
Prepping… I’m using garter, bitter melon, salted beef and solanum macrocarpon. Featuring some unions, tomatoes and madame jeanette peppers
The salted beef was boiled in water first, to make it less salty
It decreases in size a little, because of the heat
The madame jeanette peppers is there for a taste accent
Haha for people without PTSS/heart complaints, this might be a definition of the urban dictionary form of “petty”:
My heart is going on palpitations level over 9000… Somewhere last week I asked the embassy how I could get the Dutch passport I ordered in Germany, after my previous one was stolen, to the Netherlands, since I travelled back to the Netherlands in the meantime.
Look at this…. I’m so annoyed. I needed to mail them back a filled out attachment file with my signature, but they forgot to send me the file I was supposed to sign. Now that is not the reason why I’m pissed. It’s the fucking ignorant way this person corresponds with me. Evidence that I’m right about not receiving the attachments will follow.
So the first mail included instructions and in it, and there was spoken about signing a disclaimer and another file, but there was no file to be found, so I thought that maybe I was supposed to receive a letter at home or go to the town hall or something. It wasn’t clear to me yet that she had forgotten the attachment file. So I replied this:
E-mail me? 😀
Above is the reply to my mail. I’ll translate my own first, since that is the order of things:
In case my passport is shipped internationally, will the destination then be the town hall, or my home address?
Will I receive the UPS form when I receive the passport, or is it supposed to be an attachment?
And is it about the disclaimer at the bottom of the e-mail, or is there another disclaimer? I assume it’s about liability during the shipping process…
D. D. Elia
I receive back:
The passport will be sent to the address you give up on the UPS form, usually this is the home address. Both forms
you have received as a attachment, and both have to be filled out and signed. (and sent back)
There was no name underneath it, but I would not have hired this person oh my god.
The translation follows
None of the mails sent to me includes an attachment. Could these still be sent to me?
Thanks in advance
AND THEN, SHE DOES THIS:
This email was sent to you on the fourteenth including the attachments as attachment.
The agency I was corresponding with.
AND THEN SHE COPY-PASTES THE SAME MAIL WITHOUT THE ATTACHMENT FILE. WHAT THE FUCK? JUST SEND THE FUCKING FILE AGAIN RIGHT AWAY??? That’s what I would have done… Oh my god even serieeeus het is echt een kleine moeite om een bestand nog een keer te sturen. I would say: “Mijn oprechte excuses voor het vergeten van de bijlage. Bij deze verzend ik ze naar u.”/”My sincere apologies for my forgetfulness. Here are the attachment files:” Boom. Fucking problem solved. Maar neee waarom moeilijk doen x_x.
That I get pissed off by things like this is the reason why the proletarian work floor is not for me. So with shaking hands and crazy palpitations, I reply:
Because of the palpitations, I couldn’t not he so indirectly pissed
Of course I’m capable of reading and know that that mail was sent to me. The mail includes instructions for the attachment, but not the attachment itself. A mail with an attachment, you can recognize by the paperclip logo that comes with the mail, which indicates the attachment.
What I’m trying to make clear, is that your colleague very neatly typed out the instructions, but forgot to include the attachment file. In previous mails, the attachment was mentioned, but it wasn’t included. Could this then still be sent to me? You, too, can see that the previous mails don’t include attachments, right?
“Skip the whole thing if it’s too much effort” is (unfortunately) not something I can say, since not having a passport is punishable and the Dutch nationality is the only nationality I have.
Again, thanks in advance for sending me the attachment file. Please cooperate, because things like this give me palpitations.
Cordial greetings [HAHAHA]
Dominique Daniëlle Elia
That is: “PLEASE JUST SEND THOSE FUCKING ATTACHMENT FILES,” in semi-formal. (Very semi…)
Because of people like this, I want a very serious recruitment process for my company…
Dear miss Elia,
No idea if attachments are always only visible with [I meant by and not with…] a paperclip, I think that depends on the type of mail program you use and the settings of the computer regarding to receiving emails [THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. DO NOT QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE AAAAAAHHHHH. And look at how this plebian incorrectly formalizes her Dutch…]. The emails are in PDF format and are thus also very often as an icon in the text all the way down the trail of mails.
I am very certain that I’ve sent it three times with attachment.
The attachments are named [what the fuck does it matter what they are named IF THEY WERE NOT INCLUDED, OH MY GOD]
Attachment 4 – disclaimer local mail [it’s not even local…]
So if the attachments are not received, then unfortunately I won’t be able to do anything else [If I were her, I wouldn’t have gone immediate ragdoll mid-process, man, wtf…] They really included all…
And then there’s some more text about “how she can’t help me if I can’t see the attachment”, but in this fucking ugh mail she did include the attachment, like I asked three times. The other mails really don’t include it, OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING ASKEDDD OH MY GODDD Look:
“woaaaah a FUCKING PAPERCLIP”
NO. PAPERCLIPS. SO. NO. FUCKING. ATTACHMENTS.
Now the issue is that I do fucking nottt agree with the disclaimer. It says that if UPS fucks up my shipping I will have to pay €160 again for a new passport and renewed shipping. I think that if UPS fucks up, they should be held responsible for it?
I want a different nationality 🙁 .
Please forget that I ever said that I think that Benoît is my father. My mother wants to chill with me, and I would feel like a total asshole for saying no. Mid-texting about this, I finally found the courage to ask her: “Are you still in touch with Benoît? I have no idea what I’m saying.” And she said “No, I’ve never spoken to him.” Then I said: “Yess [As in “Oh, okay” [haha shit :'( ]] it was worth the shot. I think I look more like him than I look like “papa”. [Clarifying why I asked the question.]”
So what should I do now that I don’t agree with the disclaimer? Planet Fang will for sure not have dumb shit like this.
Also, I have the beginning stage of the same killer back pains I had last year, when I was hospitalized. At first, I was in a general hospital, on the antibiotics drip, but when I kept screaming out of pain, and “there was nothing else they could do for me there”, they transferred me to the first out of two psychiatric hospitals I’ve been to.
Meanwhile, it’s 19:28 (07:28 PM) and dinner was amazing. I made the vegetables and the female family friend who is co-house owner, who I call my aunt, with whom I’m staying [and her son and partner], made the rice and chicken.
I feel so feverish… My temperature is high and the pain near my kidneys is increasing. But I’m in desperate need of talking to my ANWB Graeyniss. I need an income and an occupation. But a cognitive challenge as an occupation, instead of a verbal challenge and occupation. As in that I don’t want to go back to the floor and the hotline. I prefer to work at a place in the company that’s less busy with employees who walk to each other’s desks to gossip and who try do to at least as possible.
Haha oh boyy it would be fucked up if he weren’t there… I suck at small talk. I don’t even like it. I love Graeyniss talk 😻 .
20:42 (08:42 PM)
Ah meoow I can’t go to the Netherlands for this intense pain that will soon influence my ability to walk. I’m too afraid that the Dutch doctor I would end up with, would blindly follow the “EPD” [the Elektronisch Patiëntendossier is a database with all medical information of all Dutch patients. Proletarians think that it doesn’t exist, because they worry about their privacy, but it does exist. Even Wikipedia knows…]. All acknowledged (non-alternative) doctors have access to it.
What has happened to me too often is that they don’t listen to what I say about how I feel, but they just check what the previous doctor has said. And now that doctor A has written down in my EPD “that I’m a schizophrenic”, doctor B views my EPD while I empty out my heart and thinks: Oh my god, she was so silent when she walked in, and when I asked her what’s up she suddenly started to talk so much… Too much effort… Oh what does this say? Oh, schizophrenia. Oh, yes, that must be the case, if you talk so much and it all doesn’t make sense to me [because I am not even listening to how the schizophrenic is actually explaining how she might have a deadly illness], it must just be a relapse of schizophrenia. And tells me: “Yeah my examination is already finished. I’ll prescribe you a higher dosage of antipsychotics.”
I need doctor House, fam 🙁 . And a house, man… Please save me, my Graeyniss 😾 .
The headache, high temperature and back pains are killing me, but I want my business concept to be cleaar ah meoow I gave myself an indirect deadline x_x. Haha the last time I tried to pitch my full business concept, I flopped, because I spent too much time explaining the relationship between the Nosce Te Ipsum series and the recruitment and further development of D.O.C.I.S. International. Or even only the Nosce Te Ipsum series. I shouldn’t have elaborated on the story concept so much… I seemed like too much of an author, while I was trying to say: “I’m trying to be like you. Having a leading function in a multi-component business. Please love me and take me under your wing 😻 ” in a non-sexual way 😀 . Even though I was being so awkward that I was standing sooo close to him, that there was barely space for me to talk with my hands, the way I do when I’m trying to be Graey, so at some point it was like I was pointing at my boobs, while I was trying to say “one or the other” with my hands, not talkint about them [the “one or the other” related to a question from the book. He asked for an example question from the series, and I said: “Do you believe the Universe was created by an invisible person, or by an invisible force?” Because of the cramped space in between us [cramped, but it felt very comfortable to me 🙂 ] I put the backs of the palms of my hands against each other and moved my arms from left to right, indicating “one or the other”… Haha oops… I should have asked what his answer to the question was, but I thought: Large concept, not enough time… The event will end soon… Need to become friends forever… Need… Graeyniss… I want to explain how there’s a similar endeavor in our business plans and how we could work together. And how by being my Graeyniss will really lead to us making the best changes to the system ever. You won’t regret it ♥ While I continued to ramble about the story concept… Too many details… Ah I’m sorry my Graeyniss 🙁 ] There was a camera crew and I spotted them making pictures of us… I wonder if they can be found somewhere… I want to make better pictured 😀 . He’s so photogenic 🙂 .
Meoow I hope I’ll get a chance to explain it this time. It would be easier if my business website were to showcase all business aspects I want to bring to life with my Nosce Te Ipsum thesis. But I feel so fucking shitty… This headache is killing me. Also, I’m more interested in if the company has evacuation plans for the country and otherwise, if he needs a strategist 😀 . Or maybe even if the company truly even has any responsibilities in it…
Aah headache… Screen staring is not good… But I like telling you things 😀 . I wish I could tell you this in a cuddle… Especially in this cold weather 😻 .
Fingers crossed on my unofficial Graeyniss being there tomorrow… Noo if you’d ask me in person, I wouldn’t call him my Graeyniss. So many people want to have him as their Graeyniss, he can’t publicly choose a side without breaking hearts. Ah, my heart 🙁 [Cuddle me? 😀 I’m just an innocent little homeless and moneyless cat 🙁 ]
Also, fingers crossed on this fever and back pains not becoming worse tomorrow… I’m going… No matter what… Fingers crossed I won’t collapse 😀 . Haha I hope bad luck Fangs will not not see this Graeyniss… I’d become more sad internally, if that were to happen. I’d also become fucking desperate ahahaha…..
I’d love to talk to you some more, but staring into light makes my headache worse and so does venting sometimes…
So I’ll be quickly washing my wig, because I want to look Cuddle tomorrow, and then I’m going to bed 😀
On the B not being my father thing [Oh, HAHA… Awkward…], I was basically saying that I love him so much, that the ways in which I feel love for him wouldn’t change if it would suddenly turn out that he’s my father.
I’m such a hopeless romantic… People always think I only want sex… Noo keep your sucky rhythm weak conversation ass away from me, then… [I always get hit on by people I don’t find attractive, and I let them do their thing, while the people I find attractive always don’t seem in to me 🙁 . My ex boyfriend excluded. I want to never have one night stands anymore… But I suck at saying “No”, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to it 🙁 .]
It’s now 22:51 (10:51 PM). I’m sitting at the dinner table and just closed my laptop, which I used to scan in those stupid filled out attachment files for the embassy. [When I’m offline here, I’ll still be using my phone to send that to them. If UPS fucks up the sending, I’ll just live without a passport. Fuck it 😀 ] The news is on and as usual I hear a lot of proletarians complain about the prime minister of the Netherlands. If he were that fucked up, then why the fuck did he get elected twice? Echt hou je bek en begin je eigen partij als je wat over hem persoonlijk te zeiken hebt. I don’t know him personally and I tend to stay away from news about politics, because it gives me palpitations, but I’m so against proletarians blaming political individuals for “everything going wrong”. There are thousands of people who are behind the strategies that are put into practice [want to save up? Fuck all of those robots. You could let it be done by just one person… The Fangs 😎 ], so you can’t just hate the representative of the group. The same goes for people hating on president Trump…
In the show [it’s on SBS6… No idea what the name of the show was. Know that I basically never switch on the TV, but I can’t not focus on it, when it’s on… So many shallow statements being blurted out 24/7 oh my god… There are things to talk about that are fucking far more important. Like how this system is going to collapse if we don’t fucking do something oh my godd wtfff] he just mentioned that he’s open to civilian initiatives. Where do I sign up for free? May I be paid for it? Mag ik ook een kantoortje? Kom chillen…? 😀 Be my Graeyniss? ♥ I recruit useful people. I find him attractive looking, by the way.
Meoow headache 🙁
My love ♥,
Sweet dreams 😻
– xxx –