Lil Fangs

Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts

The Hypothesis [Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5]

Proudly, I present you: the publication in which all loose ends of my former publications, come together. This is the final episode of the first book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series: The Hypothesis. What has happened to us, after The Sun Power Ritual? Will we be able to prevent The Leak from destroying our Planets? It depends on the decisions you make, in continuance of the fill-in-the gap science-fiction satire.

The Hypothesis (Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5)
Blog, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts

Introducing MacroFangs :D

For every subject field the to be established version of D.O.C.I.S. International touches on, I’ll be writing a (theoretical) blog series. The first one is called MacroFangs 😀 . This is part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

Such big fangs? Yes!

Usually, when a single business is analyzed, microeconomic theories are applied. But in this case, because of the intended size of operations, the types of services intended to be offered, and its to be established economical and legal individuality, macroeconomics will apply to this business concept as well 😀 .

To make sure that I use understandable language for my potential experts, and for the sake of feeding my common knowledge, as well as including educational elements in my blog posts, I want to let the theories that form the fundament of our current system, relive, and derive from there, with my writing, to explain the type of business I’m trying to establish.

The category of the publications is called MacroFangs, because, even though other fields of the subject of economics, such as finance (since within the Fangyist system – which is D.O.C.I.S. International in its economical and legal individuality – money will be valued differently) will be covered, too, the macroeconomical aspect of the business is the most unique feature of its concept.

We still have options. Everyone will understand.

When D.O.C.I.S. International is established properly, it can influence all cycles of the system, on its own, and, if everyone allows this, replace the current cycles with something more fair. Something more fair towards the individual and something more fair towards nature. If people choose to be (or stay) conservative, the concept can exist as a parallel, instead of as a replacement.

To explain the exact workings of the business concept, in a language that suits general – as in regardless of when and if the person reading it was educated – common knowledge, I’ll first define the theories my theories originate from, before I define the concept. Until now, I’ve defined the concept for myself, in non-official terms only I would understand, reasoning from the end result I’m working towards, back to what the world is like right now. MacroFangs will make it fully public.

For someone who is unfamiliar with what I’m exactly working towards, whether he or she is familiar with economic doctrines or not, to understand my theories for the official establishment of D.O.C.I.S. International, I’ll break it down, starting from how the world as we know it is built up (economically), to how I would shift it into something I consider a better, more fair way to govern life. I find it very important that those who decide to become a part of this, know the ins and outs of the alternative fulfilment of life I’m trying to establish. (And everything about who you’ll be working with 🙂 . )

You could already get on board (pleaseeeeeeeee)

Currently, D.O.C.I.S. International is registered and findable as a publishing company. That’s only for correspondence purposes, while I further develop the concept, satisfy my hobby of writing, and will later very actively seek investors. My full-time search for investors and other types of supporters will start when I’m done writing the series, but, of course, you can reach out to me at any time. My e-mail address is and my phone number is +31618579724. You would be the greatest support, with an incomparable contribution to my personal history and the history of D.O.C.I.S. International, if you would reach out to me, before I start my very difficult search for someone who would want to take the time to process this. (My only source to find an investor is the internet…)

Your support would be a contribution to my personal history, because I’ve devoted my life to finding that one alternative indestructible business concept, which now needs confirmation from the specialists in the fields it touches on, and the (aggregate of) investment(s), which can set in motion the economic and legal individuality of D.O.C.I.S. International: that indestructible concept.

Economics before Law?

I speak of legal individuality. Legal independency might cover it better. That’s because of the types of law(s) that will apply to those who decide to transition to the Fangyist system. The legal side of D.O.C.I.S. International is the second part of this blog series, where the depths of that will be broken down. Economics is what the first part of the series is about: MacroFangs 🙂 .

The series begin with economics and are followed by law. I want to tell you about how this world was built up. I’m not talking about its shape. The Big Bang Theory versus (or featuring(!)) religion will be part of the last part of the series.

In this case, and only in this case, for the sake of clarity, economics will be discussed before law. Because the actions that stem from economical incentives, are “tamed” by the law, is how I see it. And I think it’s more clear when the business concept is explained before I dive into its legal construction. So in that vision, it’s economics first and law second.

Noooooo. In any other case, I believe that law comes first, and finances and other aspects of choice come second. Otherwise we would be speaking of injustice, I believe.

I’ll start off my theoretical journey by analyzing The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money, by John Maynard Keynes. The treasure of Keynesian economics.

For every chapter of the book, I’ll translate his theories and philosophy to my own words, and put them in perspective. I’ll reflect it to todays world, and to my concept for D.O.C.I.S. International. The first post about Keyneses analysis, will be published online, right here, on the 28th of February. If you would like to be reminded of that date, please sign up for my newsletter 🙂 ♥.

If you keep up with the Nosce Te Ipsum book series, you’ll notice that some (theoretical) elements mentioned in this blog series, are and will be used there as well 🙂 . (The newest episode thereof will be released on the 30th of March 😀 . )

I hope that one day, I’ll publicly interview (my) specialists about the topics that will be addressed in this series.

The featured image is made by Nizam Abdul Latheef, originally uploaded on

I chose the image, because what I want to do, is create a fully individual system, within the system, and the image shows an altered image of a city, within the image of the city, in a crystal ball.
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Monday, January 28, 2019

08:33 (AM)

My love! ♥

I’ve still not slept. I’m now doing the finishing touches for Volta. I accidentally already published it, on some websites. So the release date is not the 30th, but the 28th of January… 118 pages in a week!!!!!!!!!!! But I still need to link the pages and make everything look cool and readable for you… I’m trying to impress you…

Here’s the cover!

The cover includes a very abstract cross sectional data analysis model that describes the overall Volta, sort of…

Meowwss I just saw the (generated¿) comments on that what not to include article. I want to say yay, but I can’t tell if they’re positive x_x. If they are, then yay 😀 ♥. I wonder how they got there 😋.

Ooh my meownisss I haven’t slept in far too long… But I only need to click through the preview of the paperback and the pricing stuff, and then I’m fully doneeeee and all I need to do then, is wait. And update my websites with links to the stores the book is available in… Maar dat terzijde. Dat kan morgen ook! Ik wil slapen 😀 .

Ik hou van je ♥

Alvast goede morgen terwijl ik zo ga liggen… Ik ben zo moe dat ik misselijk ben. Maar nu weet ik zeker dat alles beschikbaar is op de 30ste! Als het goed is… Haha…. (Maar ik heb dan waarschijnlijk wel mijn paperback nog niet binnen… Maar dat maakt niet uit, I guess……..)


09:10 (AM)

Aah meow, I had to vomit, as soon as I laid down. I’ll not be able to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while now, now that I experience this after taste… I feel like I need to go again… But meoww I’m going to force myself to sleep. I said that the sickness is caused by fatigue, but I wonder what the real cause is… I hope it’s not my pancreas 😀 .

At least I have Volta out now… Meoow this University must save me… Even though my mother has advised me to assume that I’ll just start following the regular route in September. I said that refusing my offer would be stupid. And then she said that people are stupid, which I can’t deny… But Graeynissis are not stupid meow! That’s all over Volta as well!!! (The contrast…) Haha you should read it 😀 . It’s really written for Graeynissis only… It’s on Smashwords already. I accidentally selected “publish now” instead of preorder, so it’s available there already, and will, after acceptance, be distributed to iBooks and Kobo and stuff…

Meoww gotta rest my eyes and brain and stuff, hoping that I won’t have to… Ah, meow x_x xx

20:51 (08:51 PM)

Meowss I really wonder what the reason for my sickness is… Haha I took a picture… I share everything with you right… If you have a weak stomach, scroll down very fast 😀 

It was crazy much, but looks less now, because I peed over it before taking a picture. Usually people think that I just want their attention when I say that I’m feeling sick. This is my way of saying that that’s nonsense… I haven’t even told anyone this… I just posted it here and hoped that I wasn’t going to die in my sleep…

Haha eww I wonder why it has this color. It looked as if it was mixed with blood

At some point, my stomach felt empty, but my body just kept pushing this strange fluid out of me. And then, when I felt like I was done – it was more meditating on just not continuing to vomit – and I laid down in bed again, with the worst stomach ache I’ve ever had, I had to get up to uncontrollably vomit again. I had that about four times, and afterwards I was able to sleep until about 7… 

I haven’t eaten anything today, besides that PBJ sandwich I ate around 4 in the night, when the binge writing of Volta was starting to make me hungry… I’m afraid that when I’ll eat, the need to vomit will come back again…

So I’m still in bed… Meooowww I hope my Graeynissis will buy, read and enjoy Volta… I’m quite proud of the way everything fits together in the end. And the way we could let our life’s paths intertwine so very easily and how this could perfectly suit my alternative route at the Erasmus University! If that goes through… I sooo hope to see my B again, and his fellow Graeynissis 😻. I hope they will all write Volta’s and let me read them… 

Meoow I’m still tired and hungry at the same time…. I’m going to drink some water and try to rest for as long as possible, before I will reaallyy have to eat…. I’ll talk to you later cutiee♥

Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections

2019’s Reform

My original strategy for making large-scale changes to the system, was very subtle. It was my intention to accomplish it independently, instead of doing it via the democratic system – because I don’t believe in it. For the change I want to make, which includes a more eco-friendly economic system, as well as a safe haven in case the Netherlands flood again, I want to buy an island and declare it an independent state, with its own constitution, its own currency and an alternative legal system. Throughout my writings, Planet Fang – which is what I want to name the island – and my plans for the construction of it and way of life on it, as well as the recruitment for it, have been mentioned very often already. My original strategy was to fund the purchase of the island and guide the recruitment for the island, with sales from the Nosce Te Ipsum book series, which include an indirect personality test. This year has taught me that, to receive active engagement, I will have to simplify my content and use different media, and for that, I need initial funds that go beyond what I currently own.

Attempting to earn enough to buy an island, without any investors and without having a mass media campaign with imagery [also without years of working experience and without a zillion PhD’s], to inform the masses about the ins and outs of my endeavor, has been a very exhausting and time consuming occupation. Whatever happens, next year, my strategy to accomplish the same endeavor, will be different. It should be less exhausting. It should include togetherness from the start, which was what I was trying to accomplish with the project I intended to guide with my books, which is explained throughout my books.

In my diary post of December 23, at some point, I got the idea to attempt to accomplish my endeavor via the Dutch democratic system. Since I want a lot of people to live on my island [but not too many. What I would define as “too many” depends the size of the island I can buy. If my audience becomes that large that the island doesn’t have enough space to live, I would like to buy compounds in other countries, if that’s possible], and my economic system includes the provision of a Fangyist’s basic needs by the Planet Fang government – including a self-designed house, depending on the initial funds and contribution – it would actually be quite fair and more healthy for me to not have to pay for everyone’s future living, and seek another way to accomplish the same thing, in a way that is also less time consuming and more collective.

I’m a Dutch citizen (born and raised in Rotterdam), and the Dutch democratic system is very accessible – when you have the initial funds to enter. It would give me the stage I need to raise awareness on my endeavor, it would give me a salary and I could get in touch with the public more easily. But simultaneously, it takes away my independence and it could maybe lead to all of the public claiming a spot on my island. I would love to save everyone, but the amount of space on my island is limited. Also, the official next elections are in 2021, and that is way too far away from now. With the current crazy amounts of pollution’s emission into our environment, day in day out, the risk of this country flooding might be closer than it seems. This is not what I want to raise awareness on, because it can only lead to chaos [another uncontrolled mass migration, and to Dutch citizens, the European borders are all open], and every citizen of this country has been made aware of this since “de basisschool”, so the topic is not new to them for sure. (Being consumed by life’s routine could make someone not think about it often, but it is in there somewhere, in the minds of everyone.)

To those who can help me build a new and better world, I want to offer shelter and a new life. The meaningless routine we drag ourselves through, will be obsolete, one day. My project leaves a lot of room for new pioneers to step forward. Real pioneers.

I will start a multi-component fundraiser on this website, to start a campaign to raise awareness on my endeavor and start the recruitment for it [with the contents of my thesis, but then in a form that is ready for mass media], to purchase the island, to buy out the Graeynissis I need the expertise from, needed to finalize my strategy, to give myself a life in which I’ll be able to fully focus on my project without being disturbed by nonsense, and the list goes on. I hope that by this time next year, I will at least not be alone in this anymore.

Meanwhile, the reform has been reformed. Read all about it, by clicking here.

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Thursday, December 27, 2018

00:22 (12:22 AM) 

My love ♥

We’ve almost gotten ourselves through the holidays. I hope you’re enjoying the experience, but have not become so attached to it that you’d be one of those who insist that the annual routine of life right now, will be the exact same in 30 years. I think I have a healthy alternative for you. There are many things on my list for today. Regarding my political aspirations and the current state of my business (branding). I hope I’ll finally be able to break down everything on Graeyniss level and I pray you’ll anticipate in it. Not only for the greater good (in the context of all of nature). It’s also for the Volta I so desperately need. 

But first, I’ll get some rest. The cooking and being semi-social [I just reallyyy suck at small talk] has drained all of the energy I had left. I’m going to put away my phone, before I start writing entire essays to you and collapse from this fatigue. 

I love you ♥

Good night


11:14 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I just dashed downstairs to eat some left overs. Now I’m back in bed. I’m still tired, so I’ll close my eyes again. But I just had some inspiration for today’s post and I want to make sure that I don’t forget it. 

To summarize what I want to touch on today, I’ll start with a – to me – less heavy topic, by elaborating on that statement from yesterday about wanting a companion. From there I touch on achieving my goals via politics and the topic of togetherness in that, plus the topic of my “social network” (family, family friends, friends) and the background check [because of which I was trying to get those psychiatry people to let me review my fucking medical records, but they didn’t allow me to do that, even though I have the right to… I’ll tell you in advance that things will be different than usual with the involvement of my social life in my career. I’m not going to be smiling on pictures with these people. Not only because I don’t have time for it and I don’t fucking want to… All my free time is for my Cuddles and Graeynissis. Feel free to check my background and the backgrounds of everyone in my social realm. Especially the US government is allowed to, according to our “privacy laws”, which were first Dutch and are now European] that comes with entering politics. (Haha I learnt so much about politics and spin from watching Scandal.) 

And then I’ll figuratively take you along with me, as I finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website, file that depressing revenue tax report and make a donation button/page for this website. I also want to make a beat, but that might be happening tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll finish everything on the list for today, but we’ll see. This is what I always do, but now you, my Graeyniss, have a holiday, after 10000 years [I’m pro give my Graeynissis their lives back], so you can tag along 🙂 .

I’ll be napping until 12:30 xxx


11:47 (AM) 

Reasons why I feel like emigrating to Antarctica and spending the rest of my life in an ice cave by myself:

I do not want your fucking tips, Facebook…

You won’t mind if I delete all of my social media accounts, right?

Okayy little break. I’m too triggered to fall asleep because of this now haha… [Because only with superficial things you reach the masses, apparently. Oh or with details on horrific ways how people’s lives were ended. Blub blub blub, niqqu. Ha-ha just kidding… 😀 ]


12:40 (PM) 

Meow 😸

I’ll stay bed petty, until I’m done with the elaboration, then shower and get behind my laptop. Maybe also take a walk, because I spend too much time inside. I would say “I need some fresh air,” but for that I’ll have to drive all the way to Germany. 

Yesterday, I suddenly missed the social isolation that comes with being in a relationship. If you’re with the person you’re dating, in a group setting, it’s not that much of a foul to, when the table conversation is going on (and it sucks), figuratively close yourself off from it, by talking to the person you’re dating. 

I’m not saying that I want back the exact isolation I was in when I was with my ex, which included a lot of sex, a lot of weed and a lot of unnecessarily heated discussions. I’ve retired from that type of relationship (and smoking weed so frequently). Now I’m in need of something more Graey… 

I cannot talk with anyone in my social environment about this [I mean I can, but they all use the same proletarian TV script in their responses, about how it’s all hopeless and can’t be solved]: I don’t trust today’s democratic politics with the way the solutions to problems are temporary. It’s like they patch up the world’s issues, by means of pleasing the people, while things should actually be replaced, because those patches don’t last forever. In the future, they might all wear out at once. The world can’t last the way it does. 

For example, look at all of the old cars Dutch people drive. (From all of the countries I travelled to, only here you see so many cars that just look like they can fall apart at any second.) For the short term, our current insurance system, in which I have a tiny bit of working experience, is very nice for the consumer, because they’re less incentivized to buy new cars. For the economy and our safety, it’s not good. Car manufacturers are incentivized to produce more eco-friendly cars, but the masses don’t buy the most recent car the way they buy the most recent iPhone. Can you imagine that day the Netherlands risks to flood and all of those people with their cars from 2001 start to cross the border, with their beasty moods, seeking for a new way to survive abroad (illegally)? Truthfully, I don’t really want to be the Dutch prime minister for four years. I just want to make sure that that proletarian diaspora doesn’t happen (in an uncontrolled manner). I was very young when it happened, so I wasn’t that aware of how the world works, then – I’m still learning, even – but I bet the Netherlands were screaming and shouting the loudest, when there were debates about opening all borders in Europe? It’s so in their advantage, when the dikes flood. I find that the borders should be closed again. 

Gotta pee xxx


13:19 (01:19 PM) 

I’ve been alone all my life. In the beginning, I really was alone. Or at least only surrounded by family, family friends and neighbors. I interacted with them, but the reason for our “friendship” isn’t/wasn’t because we get along so well or because we have a similar character, interests or a similar personality. No. The reason is causality and I have been trying to free myself from it. (But I really need some Graeyniss assistance to succeed in this… Please claim this catje 🙁 . (I’m the catje 😸.))

After being called “ongezellig” so often, as a child [my future self [I am now my future self compared to that little meow I was 18 years ago] internally says krijg de tering to all of those people], I started to make more friends in school and stuff. Again, there, the greatest reason for friendship is causality. Especially the underground figures I know from visiting coffeeshops [the Dutch coffeeshops that sell weed, semi-legally, because the government fucking earns sooo much from commercial weed], I know from causality. And I give my phone number to people far too easily, because I don’t want to hurt people by saying no. [I need a new phone number, but I don’t want those 99% of people to be able to reach me anymore. I want to emigrate, still… It should be a +1 number, instead of +316… Oh, now that we’re at it. Fuck it, right? +31618579724 feel free to contact me, but please text me, because I’m not a fan of making phone calls. Especially if they’re purposeless.] But by now I’m almost certain that 99% of all proletarians don’t have real feelings. They only know an emotional script. I’m still alone. As in there’s no one I can be myself with. Having someone to talk to, is so different from having someone to spend your time with, who “spends time” in a similar way. I find this form of being and missing hard to explain. That’s probably because I haven’t experienced it in my life ever. Real friendship and real love. 

What I find the funniest about issues in politics, by the way, is that they’re the most intense on working days, and most often don’t even seem to “happen” on holidays. Except in Suriname, of course, hahaha. (That counter coupe, after the December murders. And then saying “Merry Christmas”.)

I vaguely know most of the people in my network of family, family friends and friends, have a past and/or present that includes involvement in criminal activities. There are even people who have tried to involve me in it. I’ve always refused – except for a few weeks back in Germany, I’ve cut a marijuana plant for the first time [I value honesty and transparency. We also smoked it all day long. The cutting itself was such a relaxing experience… I thought if the cops were to barge in and a legal process would follow, I could explain the causality of me knowing the guy and that I smoked for free and that I’m probably sick as fuck… So basically free medication] – when they tried to involve me in their things, because all my life, what I found the most important, was keeping my record clean, because of the career I attempt to live towards. Also, illegal and/or crazy things and the risk of being locked into a large construction with the most insane people, was my biggest fear. I basically lived through my biggest fear, since I’ve been involved in the psychiatric system. Now, the next scary thing is fighting to my death, but even for that, I’m ready now. I wouldn’t even care if I’d die. Fangs doesn’t give no fucks about nothing. 

For every year, since I was sixteen, I’ve been saying: “Next year, I’ll be successful and have my own house. I’ll be providing for you, by then.” And I’m still in that same fucking position now. I was acting quite semi-jolly during those “Christmas moments” [ugh…], but I hate that my words are still not reality. I want to be number oneee. But not in regular shit, like getting the highest grades and stuff…. That’s not useful in what I want to achieve, really. Then I wouldn’t have time for all of my side-projects, such as blogging. Which is now basically what I hold on to, for the sake of at least “having one of my many unique things out”. 

After my sister’s birthday, I’m going back to Amsterdam. But truthfully, I just want to live on my own – and Amsterdam is what currently comes closest to it, but it’s far from “it”, still. (I’m still broke… Broke means not having enough money to spend, basically.) I have still never lived alone, even though I crave for it day in day out. Aside from those moments I’ve been able to rent a holiday apartment or hotel room with a kitchen, or having stayed in my grandmother’s house when she was on a holiday. My problem during those moments, is that I think: I’m having the time of my life, but it’s finite. Three days of freedom left… Two days of freedom left… Et cetera. I call it freedom, because these proletarians I’m surrounded by all believe that they have more knowledge on life than I, and always want to know shit about my life, so that they can give their bullshit opinion about it – as if they have anything going on in their lives – and then give me advice, based on their “life experience” oh give me a breakkkkkkk please goddddd. 

Meoow I’ll spend New Year’s alone, but the problem is, besides being called “ongezellig” [as if proletarian conversation is ever “gezellig”… It’s all about laughing… Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not… “Am vielen Lachen erkennt man den Narren.” It’s all of proletaria], is that that period of peace the most peace only lasts from like 9 PM until 1 AM, because it’s still not my own house, and thus proletarian conversation will continue when I’m not alone anymore. My secret hope is now making that donation thing, but splitting the opportunity to donate over seperate purposes, and hoping that I’ll get some support for the “please help Lil Fangs live independently” cause. If I’d upload it today, I could buy myself a space I can be semi-truly happy in. The happiest I would be if I would have Graeynissis in my house very regularly. Don’t worry about getting along with my family, family friends and/or friends: you don’t have to. I don’t intend to either. Yay 😀 . I would also be happy moving in with a Graeyniss… But the thought of socializing with children whose father I have the feeling of wanting to be intimate with, while we almost have the same age, gives me palpitations… I can’t help that I find power, intelligence and suits attractive…

On all of my visits to restaurants when I’m with my family: my father is always the one who pays, by the way. My parents just asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch with them. My initial response was saying yes, because I’m hungry as fuck, but there are a lot of things on my list and going out for lunch is very time consuming, so I said no.

I’m going downstairs to eat again – I wish I would have someone who would bring me food and maybe even feed me – and shower.

Tune in later for some live web maintenance and talking about the strategy for 2019 I still need to make up, because I have the most silent audience ever. All I know, currently, is that Kista, in Sweden, is the city I’m the most popular in, now (if that’s not because of an IP input mask (?)).


15:19 (03:19 PM) 

I added some clarifications to earlier written posts and turned my tomato soup into a semi-new dish, by adding mashed potatoes to it. 

Haha I need new food… But I’ll be showering xxx


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

On the closed borders: if all countries except the Netherlands were to suddenly close their borders again, of course people here would suddenly start to use their brains and get a whiff from everything that is going on. My policy says that those with greater capacities, a higher level of intelligence et cetera should be privileged in this, because we’ll have to build a whole new world. But of course dumb wild animals won’t accept that, and start to think outside the box, not accepting their fate. That’s why it should be guided very well. That’s also why I find it better to cause it, than to wait for it, if you know what I mean. But again, guided. By me and no one else. I don’t easily trust people. Especially not when they can settle for a life in front of the TV. 

That cutting of a weed plant once, and having moved in with an employee of the hotel I slept in in Berlin, who is a dealer on the side, is not the only criminal activity I’ve been involved in. The other one was being my father’s book keeping assistant from age 15 until age 18 or something. I stopped working for him, when I started my studies at the Erasmus University, but he stopped paying me long before that (I’m far too kind hearted, man, what the fuck…). 

I used to earn from ironing for the family, when I was 10, but after a few years I wanted to up my pay, so my sister started to do the ironing and I became the book keeping assistant for my father’s sole proprietorship (and this household). [I was also a cashier at the Albert Heijn, when I was 16, for like 6 months. Then I decided that I need a better life and I came up with my first business idea. But my father didn’t want to give me the €600 I needed to start it, because he feared that I would drop out, because of the idea’s success…] There were many things within the way I was ordered to disseminate transactions to the book keeping office, I didn’t agree with. In the beginning, I still did it, because I was relatively popular at that time and I had birthday parties I bought presents for, every month. Plus my phone subscription et cetera were all very pricey, and “the good form of parenting from my parents” lets me pay for everything myself, as far as possible. (If they could, they would let me pay rent for living here.) The accountant’s office my father works with [Pink Notes], every now and then sent a document with transactions of which evidence needs to be uploaded, which I did. (Receipts.) They were from personal expenses, done from his business account. The evidence was needed to request a tax back. Especially when I saw how much money was coming in, and how much from that was given to my sister and I [THAT €160 A MONTH WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW MUCH THIS BITCH NIQQA EARNS], I was quickly fucking done with it. [I type this with trembling hands, eh, because that man is fucking insane and on my life I swear he would rather kill me and keep his money, instead of earning things fully legally and allow me to live happily.]

And now the illegal shit in my life is living in a house with a shitload of bictoin generating computers. [It’s the dumbest, most non-eco-friendly thing I’ve ever heard, really. If you don’t think in money, like me, you just see a fucking literal waste of energy. These things are literally on 24/7. A computer is on 24/7 and from that you suddenly get money. There’s no value in that. There’s only a lot of fucking noise coming from them, in my eyes. Other than that, to me, it’s valueless. It sounds as if I’m in a fucking plane. That’s how loud they are.] On that picture of myself I uploaded yesterday, you see two of them. For the sake of the environment, my health and the economy: having these computers in a regular house should be illegal. Actually, that whole industry shouldn’t even exist, because for actual non-value an individual can suddenly buy crazy amounts of resources. 

Here are two more:

Kanker computers

Only people who have shit to hide buy this type of shit, while they live in proletaria…

And of course, with the whole “schizophrenic but still intelligent” situation, they can easily frame me, so I’m trying to be ahead of things here.

Soo let’s get to that revenue tax report I’ll now file for both that one time I unsubscribed my previous business, but never filed it, and my current business. If you only knew how much it hurts to fill out “0”, “0”, “0”, in almost every fucking field… 

Now, I can fill out having earned $6.20 (US/UK style) $6,20 (“NL style”) “woohoo”. It’s $7.77 minus the cut for the “distribution center” behind the online book sales. 

Meow 🙁


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Excuse me, but it’s not healthy to say that these revenue tax numbers, should be rounded numbers. It’s like you’re saying “Please commit fraud,” because in this way, you allow people to keep their book keeping a mess. Also, for broke ass sole proprietors like me, I couldn’t even “do my full bookkeeping” by filling out €5,45 and €1,15… But I just saved myself fifteen cents. *throws confetti*

Ahahah they seriously want me to pay €1… Ga toch op het dak zitten joh…. But of course, it’s my legal duty to pay it. 

Ahahaha dit is niet yusuuu

That was my revenue tax for het 3de kwartaal van 2018 [jaa ik ben een beetje laat, want ik zat in Duitsland zonder die code uit die brief van toen ik de eerste keer mijn wachtwoord ontving, die ik nodig had, omdat ik mijn wachtwoord was vergeten…]. For het 4de kwartaal van 2018 it’s “0”, “0”, “0”, etc. look:

I haven’t earned anything yet, this quarter, and I don’t see that change any time soon

Over a donation I don’t have to pay revenue tax, since it’s a donation. Unfortunately I can’t give you a shout out on my website, when you give me a donation, because then that will be considered a tegenprestatie, and then I would have to give 21% of that donation to the Dutch government. No one wants that… 

Be right back, I have to transfer €1 to die fucking zakkenvullers. Revenue tax shouldn’t exist. 


18:44 (06:44 PM) 

I’m now editing this webpage. After that, I’ll make the 2019’s reform article on this site and refer the D.O.C.I.S. International slider link to it. And then the Fang’s Fundraisers page and a new menu on this website 🙂 . 


19:41 (07:41 PM) 

I must say those bitcoin computers were keeping me pretty warm there in my father’s home office on the top floor. The Dutch winter got me like:

Het is koudddd

Cishe? 😀


20:12 (08:12 PM) 

I’m almost done with that page, but I’m now going to cook some spinach, because I don’t want to eat left overs… I’ve been eating left overs all day already… 


23:22 (11:22 PM) 

Dinner was nice 🙂 . My sister made jambalaya 🙂 (I’ll snap a picture when I go for my midnight snack). While we were watching Boondocks, a series we watched often in the past, I made a new post and page for this website. Right after cooking the spinach and before seating at the dinner table, I finished the proposal page I mentioned earlier. 

In the reform article I want to mention how I’ll use the donation funds, why and how donations, and that I actually still don’t want to do it via the Dutch democratic system, since I don’t believe in it and don’t trust it, still. The concept of the Dutch government is so vague and so privatized, that truly there’s not really even a government that can be spoken of. I want to stay independent. I hope you’ll support me in that. I’m going to get off the toilet, charge my phone, eat a snack – but no jambalaya yet – and continue to edit this website. I might make a slider for this website as well. 


Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

01:57 (AM) 

There’s some text in the previous post, which was updated after 12.

I would love to talk to you some more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Plus, I’ll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, because during last evening’s dinner, we decided that I’m not only in charge of the mashed potatoes. I’ll also be making the starter. My sister wants something with raw salmon, so I’ll be making my own version of zalmtaartaar :)♥ .

I’m off to bed

Good night, my love ♥

I love you ♥ ♥

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you ♥ ♥ ♥


13:11 (01:11 PM) 

Good petty afternoon 🙂 

I’m too bed cuddly, and still tired, so my mother is going grocery shopping and I need to text her what I need for my cooking. I always decide what kind of ingredients I’ll use, when it’s time to go shopping for them, and then based on what kinds of taste I’m in the mood for. 

So for the mashed potatoes, I was thinking of keeping it very simple: potatoes, butter, milk, celery (my variation), nutmeg, vegetable stock/truffle oil and mustard

And the zalmtaartaar ( = tartar of salmon [but it seems like tartar means wild person¿ I’m talking about a dish haha]) I want to make with: fresh salmon (not frozen please), fennel, (frozen) spinach [I find that tasting a lot less bitter], steranijs (star anise), vegetable stock, creme fraîche, parsley, white wine and sesame seeds. I’ll make “een bedje” [’cause I’m a petje 😀 ] of spinach and finely chopped fennel, cooked and cooled off, with the anise. The salmon will go on top, stuck together in its shape by creme fraîche with vegetable stock (cooled off, since the salmon needs to stay raw). It will be topped with a “blendered” mixture of cooked and cooled off fennel, parsley and white wine. And then some grilled sesame seeds and parsley for garnishing on top. 

I’m not sure if I should include a lime in this, because I made something with the combination of anice and lime, and that tasted like a very nasty cough medicine. A lime would probably also be nicer with non-raw salmon. So no lime in this dish 🙂 . 

Oh we didn’t have plans for soup yet either. The basic tomato soup I make includes… Waiit she already left so I need to text her the shopping list xxx


13:50 (01:50 PM) 

The soup I’ll make is inspired by this recipe for Turkish tomato soup I learnt from the cooking guide “game” for the Nintendo DS, when I was little. I’ll be using: butter, flour, vegetable stock, tomatoes, creme fraîche, thyme and rosemary

Haha a lot of my diary posts include recipes and reflections – basically they’re always reflections after the introduction – but they’re not put into that category, because I do not always want my philosophy to stand out on this website. There are so many hidden gems in it, I want to keep it a good the user needs to do a little effort for, to obtain it. I’m doing this all for free. I don’t even earn royalties or ad money. So I would like that act of love in return. Thanks 🙂 . 

I’ll later include pictures of the cooking process. My sister will assist me today 😀 ♥.

Time to make some “breakfast”… I have a hunger headache. Tot later 😀 .


15:12 (03:12 PM)

A last-minute impulse made me think of what to eat the tartar with. I’m thinking of slicing the type of baguette you need to finish in the oven yourself in very thin toasty layers and putting it in the oven with self-made garlic oil with mint

My “breakfast” [first meal of the day, but past breakfast hours, so in between quotation marks] wasn’t really worth sharing. It was just very basic: cooked instant noodles. There were not many better alternatives. 

I accomplished this during/after it haha:

I love this gameee. I gave it to myself as a present last night. Remember when I purchased the Switch and this game was still unreleased?

I’m still hungry… I’ll just start cooking right after I shower and feed off tasting my food to see if the taste is right. That’s something I often do when I can’t find something suitable [in terms of healthiness and how much it makes me feel full… I’m not saying that instant noodles are healthy. They’re what makes me feel the most full of all things available for cooking at the moment] for me to eat. 

So be right back again meoww xxx


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

Meoww we’re doing thiss. First I want to do all of the cutting for all of the dishes. So cutting the tomatoes and the fennel, plus skinning [what’s the right word?] the potatoes. 

For now I’m doing things solo, because my sister also has to help my mother and shower and take care of other business.

Haven’t worn a schort since my first times cooking. But I want to keep my dress clean hehe.

Fast and simplee

Haha it would be so cool if you’d cook along with me 😀 ♥

This will be my occupation for now. I’ll keep you up to date xxx


17:26 (05:26 PM) 

De huidige stand van zaken [the current state of affairs]:

As finely chopped as possible on this pace


My sister is helping me ♥. [That clock is still on summer time. It was 17:22]

I’ll now start cooking what I need for the tartaar and start making the vegetable bouillon. 

Tartaar first (because it still has to cool), soup second, potatoes last. 

I need to get some stuff from the freezer in the shed. Be right back xxx


17:42 (05:42 PM) 

Frozen spinach has to defrost first

The back pan is for the topping, the front one is for het bedje 🙂


18:06 (06:06 PM) 

I hope to be done around 7/07:30 PM. 

Sweet white wine for the back right pan. I compensated sourness a little with sugar.

Vegetable stock and creme fraîche to stick the salmon together in the star cookie shape 

Vegetable stock + tomatoes. Letting it boil until the tomatoes are fully soft

Parsley added (almost forgot about it lol) 

Perfectly blended tartar topping 🙂

The parsley is there because I needed a cutting board and wanted to save on dishes to wash


This + those slices of bread + mint and garlic oil + oven


19:10 (07:10 PM) 


Part einss

Part zweii

19:42 (07:42 PM) 

This is my first time ever trying this. I think it has worked out quite well 🙂 .


Meoww 😀 . I hope it tastes goood


19:55 (07:55 PM) 

Aahhh I’m exhausted maahnnn. But it’s all donee. Excuse the chaos of pictures. 

Time to eat yoooo xxx

Can’t wait to taste itt

Those are dates filled with cream cheese…

Date me 😀 . Ah meoww at first I was all like “Woohoo I’ll stay single forever,” but on days like this I really miss a companion. 


20:26 (08:26 PM) 

El soupp


20:42 (08:42 PM) 

Shout out to my Amsterdam family friends for giving me socks and a gift card ♥

When I went shopping with my mother last weekend, I picked Lady Million Privé by Paco Rabanne and blush, lipstick and fixing spray from MAC as Christmas presents. I opened them when I went to that party on Sunday haha… 


22:25 (10:25 PM) 

I’ve been semi-socializing [semi because I wasn’t leading the conversation]. Here are some more dinner pics:

The Brancott Estate 2015 Sauvignon. It’s all right [or should I say “it can wait” HAHA love you B ♥]

I’m still looking for that wine with a less dominant taste of alcohol. Like the way Remy Martin XO’s taste of alcohol is very subtle, which makes the other aspects of the drink much more flavorous. 

The traditional [even though I’m Dutch/”Surinamese”] main Christmas dish

I cut the turkey 😀 . So I earned thiss . It was very tasty 🙂 . My mother made the turkey, gravy, cranberries and veggies

My cousin has taken care of our dessert. She has brought three of them 🙂 . We’re starting with this:

Een kaasplankje and a selection of sausages

It’s easier for me to write self-reflection when I’m by myself. So these pictures are my entertainment for you now. I hope you’re having a nice day 🙂 . 

Panna cotta 🙂

I fucking loveee foooood. And wiiinee. 

The third dessert will be served soon as well. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

00:43 (AM) 

Ohh something important that just came to mind, I still need to mention: My parallel coup [in the sense that I don’t believe in the democratic system and thus I don’t intend to waste my time with trying to acconplish my endeavor via that route… I want it to be a violence free route] technocracy parliament is built up diffrently from regular parliaments. The Praesens, me, has a say in everything and is on top of everything. My Graeynissis report to me and I report to the public. And my local Cuddles report to my Graeynissis (and me). [I use present tense, because this is informative.]

The Strategicus, My B (= Visje = Benoît), is the head of our public strategy. Our greatest challenge is making the public understand what’s going on and how we’re solving it, plus how the public should anticipate to join us (if they want to). [This is currently all just an idea, still. I haven’t spoken to him about this in real life, but I know he already knows about it, because of The Head Cuddle. Call me a schizophrenic for this, but you can’t prove it, because we haven’t seen each other since like February 2017. We were planning to meet again in April 2017, but then I wasn’t allowed to, by my parents, and the thing with the psychiatry started. The report in yesterday’s post says that it started in March 2017, but that is fucking bullshit. I’m telling you, it’s all insurance fraud, because I never wanted to undergo any therapy. I solely kept talking to them, because I wanted them to delete my file.] 

For My Vicje [the “-je” makes it funny, because in Dutch, words ending with “je” mean “little” [just like “-chen” in German¿], but he’s so tall that I need to tilt my head slightly upwards, when I speak to him [love it haha]] I was thinking of him being the head of where our international policy is unique in common/civil(?) law, in the field of business, since our parliament is a business. There are a lot of things we need to internationally negotiate about and new laws that need to be stated. Especially with the island and the controversy among responsibility among the risk among the Dutch waterworks. And also because some people I want as members of our parliament are not Dutch. Plus – your background in insurance makes it perfect – we need a completely different insurance system. (But the head of health related things is someone else… Maybe doctor Cuddle? 😀 ) How should we call your function? 

Lorenzo and Sander [I don’t have nicknames for you yet… Sometimes I base them on things I remember someone say. But with me remembering Lorenzo using Mickey Mouse as an example, and me remembering Sander speaking (lecturing) faster than Busta Rhymes raps [there’s no better definition for talent… Lecturing in English, while you’re young and Dutch! On the eye contact thing: I would do the same with such a tough crowd… Sorry about being a meeloper, by the way 🙁 ♥. I only said that thing to you, because I wanted to not hear students talk shit anymore. We still spoke after the day I mentioned that, I remember. [How did you know where I was exactly after I finished my midterm…? I walked out of that classroom, alone, and you were standing behind the door and asked me how my test went. You walked towards the exit with me… (Omg why did I not attempt to let it lead to chilling for far longer… I always put so much Must… Act… Intellectual… pressure on myself around Graeynissis I find attractive, I tend to hide…) You must receive The Head Cuddle 😀  ] and him saying that some guy “should have been sacked” when some example of fraud was given. Oh, I’ve spoken Lorenzo once, too. It was fully unnecessary, in the sense that it wasn’t about the exam (for which I was so unprepared I was scared to ask questions). I just wanted to talk to him, so I thought of walking up to him during the break of one of his lectures I was in, and ask if it’s possible to have a holding with only one stockholder. I knew it’s not forbidden… But I didn’t know family businesses fell within that same category 🙂 . I wanted to ask if the De Medici family falls within that category – I know the name, and some other things about them vaguely. But it felt too random, since I picked that family as an example, because he’s from Italy, I was afraid to be wrong and I was also in need of air, because he’s so handsome… He would get the hottest lecturer from IBEB award from me for sure hahaha. I hope I didn’t come off as a money hungry person. I want to somehow be on top of my holding – it’s not somehow since I have a strategy for it and I mailed you and my B about it – (if it were public), because I for someone who solely lives off investing, cashing out at the right moment is more important than the endeavor. I don’t want that mentality in my empire.] I just don’t have a good nickname for you yet…], I would make the heads of internal (Lorenzo) and external (Sander) finance. “Fisci” (“Fiscussen”), thus, since privatized shit will be reversed in such a way that we can restore nature’s balance, in the context of resources and ecology. But for ecology, the head of that position will be someone else, again. 

I have not spoken any Graeynis about my plans yet. Not via e-mail, not in person, et cetera. Not even via The Head Cuddle, since the brain damage and muscle stiffness I got from those fucking antipsychotics (infertility, too, godverdomme), makes it harder for me to decipher the movement of my skull. I can’t reach them, because of Graeyniss reasons 🙁 . What’s our way around them…?  

After I finished reading yesterday’s post, my Nintendo was empty, so while t was getting charged to go on, I started to write. I’m going to play one round and then go to sleep… 02:00 AM will be my bed time. I hope yours is at a healthy time! 

Good night again xxx


12:35 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

I pray your Christmas is merry. 

I just finished my yesterday’s left overs for breakfast and expanded the 00:43 AM text. 

Why does this lay open? (Rethorical question…) Are you trying to tell me something, mother? It’s even better… It should be “Met Trump in het zweethok” and I can’t wait… To get there and end the waste of time bullshit gossip scheme within international media. Let’s all stop talking and start doing things. 

 Other reforms I would like to propose are:

  • I will be Sinterklaas from now on. The story will be: “Zwarte piet wanted a new leader for very long, but they were suppressed and unheard. Lil Fangs succeeded Sinterklaas and freed all zwarte pieten. They now do not have to slave anymore… Dress up how you want to ♥. (And don’t let anyone influence you in your choice of clothing! Your own choice is the most beautiful!♥♥)”. And I will really be giving children with shitty parents gifts, once I become a millionaire. We’ll be singing, dancing and playing non-computerized games all day. No more school!!! (Not in the way is exists now.) Voting rights for children!!!
  • Instead of giving people money for welfare, I think it’s better to give them the resources they should be purchasing from that welfare and maybe a little pocket money, but this to make sure that it doesn’t end up in the illegal financial circuit and/or is spent incorrectly [for example to make sure that someone doesn’t spend it on a new pair of Jordans, instead of keeping aside enough for daily diapers]. 

There are many more, but I want to keep my unique strategy to myself, because people can steal it and I want to be the one writing history. 

I’ll be taking my plate to the kicthen and binge eating fruit. I’m drinking gold tea 🙂

My favorite flavors [haha I usually write flavour… A residu from being taught British English 🙂 ] of tea are: gold, jasmine, orange, rooibos, strawberry, earl grey, ginger and chamomile. 


13:25 (01:25 PM) 

We’re going out for dinner today, at Van der Valk in the region of Utrecht. (Utrecht, because at first it was looking like I was going to stay in Amsterdam and Utrecht is sort of in between Rotterdam/Capelle and Amsterdam, so it would have been practical, I’ve been told.)

Oh, by the way, when I was reading back my post from yesterday, I saw my BSN (personal identification number) is on that letter. They say you should keep it a secret. I want a new BSN anyway, since I’ve been treated in a way that is against the law by those who have access to it, and now my records do not resemble who I am. Also, HR needed my BSN again… Well, now you have it? 

If someone does crazy shit with my BSN, I’ll know who not to allow into my independent system 🙂 . This is bait 🙂 .

A Christmas tradition, isn’t it? (I’m joking) 

That fietsatlas belongs in a museum, hehe. Haha meoow I’m the perfect temp, please give me somethinggg. (Before elaborate and free online dictionaries, that dictionary was my Bible, when I was a younger…)


14:04 (02:04 PM) 

What to do…? I’m quite tired, which is why the proposal on my business website is unfinished and I haven’t made the 2019’s reform article on yet. Articles like that cost far more brainpower than just writing down whatever comes to mind. The reform thing should be finished before I insert the donation thingy on this website. You’ll support me, right? 🙁 I will never ask anyone who has ever called me a schizophrenic and/or “een wereldverbeteraar” who will never succeed, for support. 99% of the people I “know”… They can suck it 🙂 . I want to show that I can make it and am better off without them. 

I want to be a bed petje… I’m going upstairs and undress for bed.


14:44 (02:44 PM) 

I’m petting 🙂

Cuddle me? 🙁

The most strategic part of my writing today, is that chances are high today’s web traffic is more than usual [It’s an off day (almost) world wide and besides the sentiment of togetherness and stuff around the holidays, it’s often still just gazing at screens [Netflix and/or “cable” television, as always] and shallow conversations. I’m here for you, person with a brain. I love you and I’ll entertain you with my written words all day long.] and even after the holidays, people might want to read back and see what I was doing on Christmas. [To summarize answer to that. To me, it’s: “Same shit, different day.”] And today I’m writing down parts of my aspirations as a politician – which I’m not yet – so that means that chances are higher that more people will read about it, because today is a popular holiday 🙂 . 


15:13 (03:13 PM) 

How I would brand Lil Fangs for President

I have so many ideas for it, I don’t know where to start writing about it 😀 . 

I want to show you a good balance between my plans for serious global change and intellectual entertainment. For the sake of entertainment and symbolism, the way I would stylize myself is in a “Cleopatra, meets 16th century western queen, meets free slave, meets the future and supernatural traits” kind of way. Lil Fangs’s way of clothing is very “dramatic”. [For example, the sleep (I don’t know how to say that in English, but the part of my cape that drags over the ground) of the cape I wear over my dress should be huge, as well as my collar.] My Graeynissis will be perfectly adapted to it. 

For everything I want to tackle, there will be a satiric sketch, starring Lil Fangs. [Even the masses could understand it, then. And finally entertainment will be entertaining for me and you, too.] I would like to release them as advertisement videos. Both online and analog. I don’t want to give away spoilers of the videos… I want to surprise you 😀


15:38 (03:38 PM)  

HAHA I just saw that this post’s title was called “Deember 25”. I type without autocorrect and without my glasses, I can’t see those kind of details in the text. Haha sorry… It’s all throughout my posts as well. For the amount of text I write, I assume it’s easily forgiven. 

I just have been called from the other room to leave my bed. I’m going to take a shower and get ready xxx 


15:56 (03:56 PM) 

Saw this right after leaving the shower. 

Beetje jammer…

I’m still in the “right after leaving the shower” momentum


16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Meet Christmas Fangs:

Had to close the door of my kast to make my room seem a little less messy… Haha I’m always sweaty shout out to my aortic insufficiency

I wanted to make an indirect booty pic, but my basketball figure izznomore (feel like a body builder who quit) plus room is messaayy… Haha there’s my first “spaarvarken” I got from the ABN Amro when I was a very little little Fangs. It’s that Efteling guy… Not the papier hier guy but the other one [haha I’ve been to the Efteling twice in my entire life… Once when I was a baby [I’ve heard] and once when I was 16, for the school’s jubilee. As a kid, I always wanted to go, though…]… The type of savings account I have there doesn’t even exist anymore today haha

The purse I carried with me for two proms in a row will be my companion tonight. I don’t have earrings 🙁 . Okay I have a few Primark ones, but I’m so past that now… 

Ah meow… 

Haha I want to tell you something about my political philosophy, but it’s a long story and it won’t be long until I can’t stop hiding in my room anymore. I prefer writing without stopping and uploading the text right after I’m done – to prevent data loss – so I’ll wait until we’re in the car. 

On the stats: ben best wel pissig ivm alle moeite die ik doe… My conversion rate is echt om te janken. Wat voor fucking betrokkenheid? Mensen staren alleen maar… 🙁 

Mobiele data is echt fucking duur trouwens… Waarom? Is het zo duur…

Haha forever in contact maaahn


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Yess so on my political philosophy: some aspects of it stem from the pressing issues of our time. The most pressing one for me personally and for many other Nederlanders, is the environmental danger that comes with living in a country that is a country, solely because of the existence of the waterworks. 

If they wouldn’t be there, the city I live in would be ocean.  The issues the media portrays as the most serious of our time, are a complete distraction from the danger we live in. [It’s very fucked up that people die from bombings and other stuff with a very vague motive, but explaining the details and then naming how many people died is not solving the problem. It’s also not healthy for those who are mourning (that the cause is the media itself, but they’re lying about it) and not for me either, because it gives me palpitations and makes me want to attack media people for keeping up the same nonsense cycle. The whole business behind that industry should not exist. Just now, there was a news flash about it on the car radio. That something happened in the ministry of foreign affairs in Greece. Why is that a reason for a Dutch news flash? Especially the: “We don’t know who caused the bombing, but it’s probably the Islamic State.” What the fuck? It’s probably you, motherfucker [the news reporter… This is a literary form of exclamatio I use… It’s not literally the reporter. It’s everyone involved in the media/war industry]. You’re the one earning from it. If there weren’t people dying for vague reasons, you wouldn’t have a job. On my life, I swear that when I seize power, it will not be possible anymore to earn from such inhumane things. Fucking demons… Bombs are also soooo fucking bad for the environment so why THE FUCK are people making them? ]

I’ve been alive for 22 years (don’t ask me how) and to this day, no one has ever proposed a solution to the serious problem that is the fundament of this country I live in (The Netherlands (= “Dutch”)). So now that I have a solution in mind, I don’t want to hear anyone claim that they have the right to be involved in that solution. You’ve had 22 years to come up with a better alternative, and in my solution, unfortunately, there’s no room for the entire world population. 

Because when the imbalance in nature, makes the ocean claim a piece of land on which more than 10 million people live [because en indicate that not all of the country will flood. The government knows, eh, and clearly they don’t give a fuck. I’m trying to save people here, as soon as possible], the government’s education has taught us “All go inside and close your doors and windows”, while there should be an evacuation plan beforehand. But this land is already far overpopulated and that evacuation plan shouldn’t mean overpopulating other overpopulated areas of the world. So that’s why my strategy is the way it is, attempting to give everyone an equal shot at the future, but you’ll have to put effort in it and if you want to hate on my strategy, you can fuck off and save yourself. 


I’ll be socializing Christmassily. To be continued xxxx


19:05 (07:05 PM) 

Am I amused? HAHA

Yung Fangz is doing thiss ayy

So my table conversation starter was: “Wat gaan jullie kiezen?” And now I’m out of things to say. Haha I was in Germany, unwelcome in my own home, and now I’m here. Such turbulence, much headache. 

I wonder if my sister would like to be my assistant. But I’m hesitant with asking, for now, since it’s not definitive, that I’ll be doing this. Suicide is also still a fucking option, if I can’t get people to work along. You’ve seen the medical report. Know I’m not fucking joking. I’m not going to do any proletarian slave shit. Unless it’s working for my Vicje, because he’s sooo Cuddle omggg ♥♥♥


20:56 (08:56 PM) 

Excuse my fit of suicidal thoughts… I’m just lonely because I don’t fit in with the masses, and the masses don’t seem to like me 🙁 . But my real life appearance indicates something else. I act “happy” or at least “contempt” all of the time, because I don’t want to end up in a psychiatric ward again. I’m crazy traumatized. Even after my suicide attempt, they just kept focusing on the situation with my B, while it was none of their business. 

I’m online, because I’m excorting my grandmother with dementia to the bathroom. I’m waiting for her here. 

That’s her pretty pursee

Here are some pictures I took earlier:



Toilet picca. It has been a very long while since I did a touch up. As in I usually don’t take my make-up with me.

The CuddleFace… When I think of you…


Rare 😻

For my Android users: I have a self-coded conversation starter app. Uploaded it somewhere in the beginning of 2017. I was working on a version for Apple, too, but the virtual Mac I was using was so slow that it was frustrating to work on it, and then I got involved in the psychiatric industry and I never finished it 🙁



23:19 (11:19 PM) 

Petty is backk  

My eyes are red because of sleep deprivation and concealer that gets into my eyes when I blink

Where were we…? I market my content on mainstream social media, because it’s cheap and my budget is not high at all, while for my real target audience, I need a crazy high marketing budget. For what I want to do, I should be advertising in The Economist and Het Financieele Dagblad and stuff. 

That it’s Christmas, doesn’t change the contents of my mind. We can all act as if our issues are not there, solely because it’s the end of December, but in that way it will never be solved. 

In my environment, it’s very normal to say that improving the world is impossible and that perfection doesn’t exist. If you believe that, then it is indeed impossible. But that I believe the exact opposite, doesn’t mean that I have fucking schizophrenia? What the fuck? I assume that those who don’t believe in it then also won’t mind staying subjected to this system, instead of to mine. 

When I started to write about my evacuation strategy, my plans for societal reform and the recruitment, I feared being compared to Adolph Hitler, because that will make the masses hate me. But I shouldn’t give a fuck about what people think of me – especially because actually they depend on me – and I can’t even deny that there are some similarities in our philosophies. 

I, too, find that is time for serious international change, the ratio between the amount of living space and the size of the population is far too low – but yes, some people whose whole life’s purpose is sitting in front of the TV [and then saying that change is impossible haha whattt], will disagree – and I find that those who are more loving, more intelligent and more ambitious, should have a higher chance of surviving “nature’s revenge”.

The version of me before my parents “calling the psychiatrists on me” would have never called it “nature’s revenge”. Then I really believed that I could save everyone and everyone would be on my side. But when I went missing [in an attempt to commit suicide, about which no one knew], dumb proletarians considered my career “over” and there where they usually said “Yes, you must be right. (Keep in touch with me so that I can lift along on your success.)”, they now use their TV knowledge to debunk every slight bit of hope I have and often say: “Oh, stop that, Dominique. You have tried it and you didn’t succeed.” (But I still haven’t even started yet…) Tell me why the fuck I should save that person? That’s a fucking waste of time, energy and (cognitive) resources.

The world seems peaceful here, because everyone here can go to work every day, without shit happening. We’re all so used to our routine, that it seems as if we can go on like this forever. But the amount of resources on this planet are not infinite. The fact that the threat of the Netherlands flooding exist – in the past (decades ago), it has happend several times already – means that nature is trying to correct for its imbalance. This is a piece of land that shouldn’t exist, and from it, there’s an insane amount of pollution being put into the air every day. That can not go on forever, right? What the politicians are doing here, is named afschuiving. Passing on the problem to the next generation. And all my generation knows is Netflix and social media trends…

By the way, it sounds as if my ideas for clothing design are expensive, but actually they aren’t. It would be expensive if I would hire an entire team to come up with the design and work it out, et cetera. I want to do everything myself, for as far that that’s possible. 

By the way, I’ve been considering deleting all of my social media again… Please tell me I don’t need social media marketing to be successful. I want to not see that disgusting fake culture of mindless sheepy trends anymore… 🙁

Do you know what is also an unnecessary form of damaging the environment? Lighting fireworks throughout the whole country on the same day. People are already starting with their fireworks shit here, in proletaria (pun). It’s illegal right now, but some sheep find that exciting. The sound of it, so close to where I sleep, gives me palpitations. And the feeling of wanting to fang that person… 

There’s a whole policy for it, people barely stick to. And then the next day, on the news, they give the stats on how many people’s hands were blown off and shit… That kind of shit won’t exist on Planet Fang for sure.

I miss my Graeynissis 🙁 ♥

I’m going to rid my bowels of the first Christmas dinner, get a snack and make myself some tea xxx

This piece of text was finished and uploaded on 00:44 (12:44 AM) December 26. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, December 24, 2018

00:10 (AM) 
From the way I don’t show my emotions on my face, I know I’m perfect for politics. The way I express myself in real life and here are so different. This is not real life. This is on the internet. 

“Yahaaay”. Haha het is maar voor de vorm. Idk why I made this picture

Haha I feel a bit un-cuddle for being on my phone all of the time here. I don’t know what to talk about in real life. All I can think about, currently 

But hey this Graeyniss situation is very serious. I want to have an occupation that forces me to be with my Graeynissis 24/7. I’m done with small talk. Let’s talk about some Graey niss? Yess I’ll explain to you what it is in person, that will be a lot clearer. I would like a hug and a Cishe (on the face cheek) in exchange 🙂 . 


00:42 (AM) 

By that last sentence I meant that I just want some friendly exchange of love. Don’t worry about how to approach me. Just do it and tell me exactly everything you think and feel. I have an extreme love deficit that decreases when someone shows me his/her real self. You know, what’s underneath the façade. Some people don’t have a façade. 


01:37 (AM) 

I just sinned and bought a glass of Hennessy… I want to stick to one, but three is one of my lucky numbers… Seven is the other… But I don’t want to start doing crazy shit and let my underlying emotions surface… They’re actually bed pet emotions… 

My battery is on 3% so I might be “expressionless” for a while. I feel naked without being able to write yo… That is something very negative, I guess. I’d rather… 


03:03 (AM) 

We have leftt. It became three… And it was shared. One was double. It was fun 🙂 . I wish I could hype to today’s popular songs the way other girls do. Haha I’m preparing myself for this dance-off. The story I have in mind says he wins :p. And then the next challenge follows… 


04:34 (AM) 

I just finished my late night Maccie and am going to sleep. When I wake up, I’d like to touch on my love feelings (“old” and new), my aspirations in (non-)politics, the new book, the situation with my family and probably other things as well. 

Good night, my Cuddle 

I love you ♥

– xxx –

12:19 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂 

How’s your pre-Christmas eve hype? I wish I was there getting hyped with you. I’m still bed petting [imagine us bed petting together 😻😻😻], while the sound of my stomach indicates that I should sprint to the kitchen.  

There are some ideas I want to share with you and things I want to make clear. Since my idea of accomplishing my endeavor via politics is quite new – in the sense that when I was in school, I loved the subject Maatschappijleer (not the racist sentiment of the teacher), but I always said that I won’t make it, because I don’t have the network for it and stuff [but now I’ll try to do it via money] – there are still a lot of things I need to scour the internet for, things on which I still need to choose a side – but I always often “fluctuate” – and Graeynissis I need to claim. 

To fund my party, I need hella stacks [of money], a notaris and (another…) KvK registration. And party members, of course hahahaha. But what I said yesterday about kopzorgen (who to take into consideration), made me think the following: maybe it’s better for me to do a subtle staatsgreep (coup) [chaos free for sure, because I ain’t got time for that lol], and then make the public choose whether they live under the amazing system that is here already, or the new and very alternative regime of Den Fang Partij. Ooh fleh, Partij is een vrouwelijk woord, dus via het officiële systeem der ouden Neerlandsche naamvallen, is het gewoon De Fang Partij. Maar dat klinkt zo saai… Der Fang Partij klinkt eigenlijk het coolst. Dan is het gewoon Der Fang omdat Fang in NederCuddle met Der begint… Muhahahaaa… 

Maar dat referendum dat dan volgt van die staatsgreep – gepleegd door intellectuelen die meer dan alleen politiek hebben bestudeerd (want gestudeerd vind ik tijdverspilling, omdat het vak politiek als het ware alleen maar de olie van de motor is [en het is nu echt droge kut olie]) – leidt tot een vreedzame optie waarbij we in ieder geval meer voorbereid zijn op eventuele nieuwe extreme natuursomstandigheden. Niet iedereen zal dit lezen, waarschijnlijk, en ik wil in mijn officiële partijprogramma heel transparant zijn, dus hoe minder, hoe makkelijker. Natuurlijk wil ik zo veel mogelijk mensen helpen, maar houd er rekening mee dat Nederland al zwaar overbevolkt is en dat ik op Planet Fang niet veel appartementencomplexen wil neerzetten. Those of my class who I save, will live a much more sophisticated life. I’m not only targeting my class. Not even only “my country”. 

With Der Fang Partij, I want to make it to the European Union. I even want to make it to the US. And Russia… Basically every country anywhere. Not to overthrow anything – not in the US and Russia for sure(!) – but to just give some love and brainpower for the international change we all need. 

I think my book should not be free, since I can’t even afford a home for myself (and the authoritarian guard dog of a posessive house owner, whose house I’m registered in, because I was born in that family, does not always allow me to access my own room… Grrrrr…. To Surinamese people that cold hearted treatment is so logical. I wonder if that’s the same for other countries as… well… 

Hey… Ha-haaa… I just mentioned Suriname and a coup in the same post. That reminds me… Please [unless you want to keep the Christmas spirit HAHAHA] Google “Suriname Decembermoorden” (that’s “December murders”). It will lead you to a story about the time around which Suriname – former Dutch colony – became independent. That person who was accused of those murders, is today’s president of Suriname. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know how people can think: “Oh yeah. Good guy. Must vote for him.” The often used justification is that by those murders, he made a change [oh my god the fucking stupidity] in the country, and they want more change, so he should be in power, just giving random people fucking crazy amounts of money. 

I will need serious protection after this, because they will get me killed without even hesitating – vooral omdat ik een kanker hekel heb aan “tori praten” [talking about the most shallow shit ever… It’s basically a script of oneliners, of which one topic can very quickly last for hours] – but in the context of very fruitful, barely cultivated land [it’s probably used as storage space for drugs or something], it’s so perfect for Planet Fang 😻. I would make my grandfather so proud… 

I would clean the ocean, strip that tiny layer of cultivated shit off it, because it’s the most unhealthy and disgusting shit ever, and we could live off the abundance of nature with so much ease… 

Okay that was random. Especially because that country is sooo thinly populated, but still sooo large. And they’re only helping it to shit, while it could flourish and thrive WITH ALMOST NO EFFORT MAN, SERIOUSLY. Fucking dumb people… The work ethic there is mostly less than nothing. But the money ethic is a completely different story. I’m against weapons, but I doubt if negotiating with Suriname will be possible. 

On my love feelings: I mentioned that I’m very easily attracted to grey haired men in suits. It’s actually any type of men who aspires to “live the suit life”. And any type of women who aspires the same thing. 

But these two literal Graeynissis… In my fantasy, we’re now basically a married threesome… Ah meoow they’re so
Cuddle 😻. We would look soooo sexy in politics meoow. Especially if we do it the coup way. (I need to think of Vicje every time I say “the (…) way”. Haha not funny shared inside joke. I want a Cuddle 🙁 . As in a hug. Ohh on the no children: I meant no extra ones from me. I know you have three… Haha my fantasyyy.)

So if Suriname wants change, I can make that change. The Netherlands want change, too. I’m on it. I hope by change you don’t literally mean getting more money for the same fictive value you put into this world. Those who say that they want change, often have no clue what they exactly want. How I know? Because I always ask and then get shit argumentation – TV citations – as a response. I know what I want. (And there are multiple long ways to getting there.)

I want better branding for Lil Fangs for President. I want to do photoshoots for it, make a promotion miniseries, and an EP that comes with it. Guest authors for the book – my Graeynissis – would be sooo fuuuucking amazing, too. I’ll make the donation thingy as soon as I get home. I want to direct it myself. I don’t want it to look like today’s mainstream shit.

Oh another thing about love feelings I already wanted to mention on here yesterday, but then thought that it’s not the right thing to do now that I was third wheeling… I’ve never mentioned this before. He doesn’t even know it himself. The first time I saw Elgin – he has been Jamiro’s friend via school and living location (basically neighbors) – I fell in love with him instantly. It was when Jamiro took him along, the first timw we went to Italy, together with our families.

I’m not a flirty type of person in real life. (But when I had a boyfriend, I did develop that ability a little bit.) I also detest the routinous relationships people build up these days. By means of protecting my heart, I stay away from that love culture.

But did you know that Jamiro was my first crush? (Haha no because literally no one knows this, because it feels weird, now that everyone calls us family.) I “developed attraction” on such a young age. I remember that I used to be so crazy horny all of the time, as a kid. The “I can’t sleep without masturbation” thingy has been a thing, since I was 6, if not younger.

It’s funny that once I have feelings for someone, they ne-ver fade. I also miss sex with my ex. But the way he doesn’t believe in me and calls me dumb, makes me prefer to never see him again. Bitch. I still want my notebook back,though, but I don’t want to undergo another conversation that causes palpitations and heartache.

When it comes to being in a loving relationship, I find verbal courtship sooooooooooo important. And showing love in e-ve-ry single action. People like that are almost extinct. I was glad to hear that Elgin is an exception, when his girlfriend told me that he has still kept that neon bracelet from one of the first parties they went to. Before they were dating? [And then “I told him that I had already trashed mine haha, but it was really nice.” A small statement like that – the trashing – would give me heartache and palpitations. Because it could have been left out. Now it sounds unloving.]

I’m such a hopeless polyamorist. Basically polygaam. I don’t mind getting married at this age. What else is there left to do in life anyway, now that I basically want to say fuck school – I would fully change the education system to something less sheepy and more practical – and fuck slaving behind a desk. [Unless my sexy meow has a job for me. Am I allowes to fall in love with you? Because I already did. Oops *blushes* Hehehehehehe 😀 ]

It’s 13:55… I’m going to brush my teeth and eat something. Brushing my teeth now, means that that little residu of tooth paste that doesn’t go out after spitting, will be considered food, by my body, and that shit makes me sick, too. My mucus is fucking yellow by the way. Fucking much, too. Ah meow, but since I’ve heard of “het zorgplafond” even for cancer patients, I’m so fucking done with this. Why was Den Uyl’s measure good? I just think his branding was good. I’m pro state businesses, because than the endeavor is more important than the money. Planet Fang (D.O.C.I.S. International) will own everything. There will be no more room for money hungry animals.

14:27 (02:27 PM)

I can’t wait until we’re regularly drinking tea together ♥. You’re my baby now… Just like D.O.C.I.S. International is my baby 🙂 . And just like Elia PR was :'( . It was unsubscribed December 31, 2017 :'(. Ah, g’dammit, I still need to file that tax report thing… But I barely kept my books, because I was only doing business expenses from my personal account…

My family is in Brussels now, because they had tickets to my cousin’s performance there. Had I told you she was in Mariah Carey’s choir in the Ziggo Dome recently? No I didn’t. I found out afterwards myself, when my mother visited me in Amsterdam last Saturday. 

Do you understand why I’m truthfully not excited about going home at all? I hope you do. If you don’t that’s fine, but don’t force your shitty populist argumentation on me, because you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

It’s hilarious how yesterday, we spoke about me going home, and we concluded that the best thing was to then – even though I wouldn’t give a fuck if we would split up for good – talk things through before I move back in. I just want to be certain that I don’t get kicked out over FUCKING BULLSHIT, because it FUCKING DISTRACTS ME FROM MY WORK. EVERY FUCKING TIME. AARGHHH I NEED MY OWN HOUSE. But I want to live far far far far far away from the beasty masses, and that is expensive. And then they proposed to be the mediator, instead of that psychiatrist and his assistant who refused to show me the notes she made about me, which will be put into my fucking record. [It’s all fucking bullshit for sure, otherwise she would have fucking shown her my notes. I have audio taped this. Of this, I do luckily still have a copy on my phone. But the rest was on my hard drive, which was stolen 🙁 .] 

So then the most logical thing would be to have the mediator situation thing on the first encounter, which is today. But then it was all like noo Christmas should just be gezellig (“fun”), so let’s just do that after the holidays. I think I want to die, man. Fuck Christmas. Wat een tyfusfeest, zeg. I’m not the god damn house owner, so for them it’s comfortable, and for me it’s an absolute hell, and of course they do not give a fuck. Domme kut apen. 

Hey, I’m going home for Christmas, so don’t tell me I’m not doing Christmas spirit shit. Dumb populist motherfuckers.

So they’re coming back from Brussels later today. I hope I can be there before they come home. Then I have some space and place to myself, in “my own space”, where I’ve lived since I was 8… Haha I don’t even want to be there, man. Benoît, Victor, alsjeblieeeeeeeeftttttt……… This – what they’re doing to me – should be fucking illegal. Godnondeju.  

I’m going to take a shower and pack.


16:48 (04:48 PM) 

I’m waiting for the train. I’m only carrying a selection of my valuables with me, since I’m going back to Amsterdam. Most of my very precious notebooks are there, in my suitcase, which is also still there.*

Wanna see what I got from my parents for last year’s Christmas? Here it is:

This is one of many

They did not stick to it

Beetje jammer

The funniest thing ever is that it says “risperidon” as if that was all. It was also quetiapine, haldol, abilify, fluanxol and the list goes on. It says “voluntary”, but I wasn’t allowed to leave, no matter how often I begged. Hey, tyfus arts, your name is now visible on my website. Please sue me for it. I’ll fucking win the case. Even though I said “fucking” and “tyfus”, amongst other things.  I was unfairly stuck in that system from April 2017 until I ran away to the US, and now they’re continuing their fucking bullshit via family therapy sessions, on my name. It’s insurance fraud. It’s emotional fraud. I want to make sure that they won’t vote for me. 

* I hope my shit will be untouched and intact when I come back. Surinamese people say they can do whatever they want to do with the shit on their property, when it’s on their property. That’s why my father believes that he can touch me how and whenever he wants. Wat een lul zeg. 

Ah when I went to that basketball event, I looked for my earplugs everywhere, but couldn’t find them. When I came back, they were on the table. What the fuck? One earpiece doesn’t work anymore? They’re the original HTC earplugs that came with my phone – with Active Noise Cancellation. It’s almost mission impossible to get new ones, in this country 🙁 . 

Meanwhile, it’s 17:01 and I’m in the train now. Haha godver, I got in too early again. There was no time sign, but my train actually comes at 17:07. I’ll travel via Utrecht Centraal then. Sorry but reading that shit again MAKES ME SO FUCKING TRIGGERED FAM I SWEAAAARRR. BUT THEN I HOLD IT IN. THE PRESSURE IS SO INTENSE THAT IT MAKES MY EYES MOVE WEIRDLY. 

Voel me net een pakezel, but I prefer to travel alone, or with a Graeyniss.

Know that I still smoked weed when I was in the hospital, but I lied to them about it, otherwise I would have still been there today HAHA. The doctor’s report says that my plans of improving the world are also psychotic complaints. Ga fucking zwembandjes kopen joh tyfushoer. Lotte something, D. Schippers, S. Dieleman and some other “medical experts” (fucking kwakzalvers) were involved in it as well. They considered me dumb and vague, because they couldn’t understand that I was there on a voluntary basis, only because I want them to FUCKING DELETE MY FILE. HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE??? I. WANT. FUCKING. JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THE LEGAL WAY, OF COURSE. NO ONE HAS TO DIE. ME NEITHER, RIGHT? I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE. 



17:26 (05:26 PM) 

I’m waiting for my train to Rotterdam now. 

And now I’m in it. 

This is why those doctors should lose their right to be a doctor [with an aortic insufficiency they should not have forced me to take antipsychotics]:

AND IF IT TURNS OUT I HAVE CANCER… OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!! I wish doctor Cuddle [I’ve never called him that in person haha… Mister name on the left who is now also fully mentioned on my website ♥] lived closer to me. I call him that, because I find him a very sweet man. I’ve actually really given him a hug, at the end of my last two visits to him.

As a politician, I can tell you my very unique thoughts, which are sometimes ferocious. Such as that I don’t like 99% of the people in my social life. As long as I can back up my statements, there’s nothing wrong with this. No one can argue better than I do, truthfully. I can literally give you 100 arguments as to why my father is een kanker aap. 

I mentioned that I don’t want them [those psychiatrists and 99% of my relatives and other people in my “social network”] to die. I find it a waste of energy and it’s against the law. In the context of overpopulation, these people are all fucking useless. I would not miss them. But of course, others would. They have the right to exist. Who would miss who? I miss Benoît, Victor, Lorenzo and Sander. And people I haven’t even met yet. My Cuddles 🙁 ♥ .


18:10 (06:10 PM) 

I thought I would never see this city again. I’m almost home. I’m about to check out. 

Now leaving the metro station, 18:12. 

I just finished 180 Days of Fangs

I swear the air tastes like car fumes. 


18:35 (06:37 PM) 

“Honey, I’m home.” They’re not back yet. I want to show you something:

How I act

How I feel

A mashup HAHAHA

I don’t want to be hereee. Where are my Graeynissis right now?  🙁 Haha I wish you would save me, by absorbing me into your life. That would make me so happy. I’m now a sad pet 🙁 . Sad and angry haha 😀 .

180 Days of Fangs is now really finished, by the way. I still added some text here and there. It could have been far more detailed, but the more I write about it, the more I want to die, really.

My heart hurts so much, and I feel so unsafe around proletarians, I don’t know what to do, think or write at the moment.

I’m scared of going to my room… The flash backs :'( . May I please marry this single Graeyniss? 🙁 Or live with him, at least.

20:45 (08:45 PM)

Haha remember when I went to Ikea to search for a suitable mattress? That’s basically where I was, in my life in this city HAHA. And now I want to enter politics… I want rich people to vote for me 😀 . I’ll be doing the exact opposite usual people of politics do, to end up in the same spot they are, to do things completely differently :D. The first thing I’ll attack is the financial system, to something that is in balance with nature’s capacities.

My mother asked me to go with her to the night shop, which is why I was silent in between my last update and now. All supermarkets are closed right now.

Over hoe minder, hoe beter. Het is eigenlijk: hoe minder, hoe efficiënter. Wat is belangrijker, de hoeveelheid mensen die je helpt [dus hun werk voor hen doen], of zorgen dat de imbalans in de natuur ons niet vermoordt en daarbij de kwaliteit van het leven nog steeds proberen te verbeteren? Precies, de keuze is snel gemaakt.

For the first day of Christmas, I have a red dress (of which you see a sleeve on one of the pictures) and for the second day, I have a black one, because that’s my second nicest dress – I also wore to that borrel [“drink” as a translation of this, doesn’t suffice, I think. Borrels are most often business related, drinks not necessarily] in the Summer – and I actually fucking hate Christmas. I miss my grandfather and since last year’s Christmas, I’ve just been so double traumatized….

I’m going to take a nap xxx


21:11 (09:11 PM) 

I’m tired, but I can’t find the calm to fall asleep. Besides the u-shape my spinal column makes from this shit quality matress on the €100 bed I sleep on, it also feels as if the Earth is shaking very subtly, in an underlying water waves kind of way. That’s probably the case, since the neighborhood I live in is one of the, when it comes to waterworks and nature, unsafest locations in all of the Netherlands. 

I also have only eaten some soup, two slices of bread, a mandarine and some blocks of semi-delicacy cheeses, so I’m quite hungry… 

A few times, it has crossed my mind that I should mail my Graeyniss again, to tell him that I am now considering to do do things via the political system instead of via independent business, since I mentioned in that mail that I’m not a political movement [as a response to something discussed in the past]. I’m actually still not a movement. I’m going to do things, instead of fucking just talk about it. Okay, now I’m still broke, so I have no other option besides talking about my plans, since I can’t put them into practice yet. Haha meoow I have nicknames for him and stuff, in my mind, but in real life, I’ve only exchanged words with him twice at a borrel and low key creeped on him when I was working for him and he was on the same floor.

Oh, yes, the donation thingy… I’m too mentally tired for it and, even worse, too worried about not receiving any support, just like I had with my books. I want to bed pet and kill zombies on my Nintendo Switch…

Why I took those pictures of medical report’s summaries? Because I want to make sure that I have a back-up. I took them with me, to Germany, because they’re part of “my valuables”, in the sense that I might need them once, for another doctor or for my lawyer. But I left them in Amsterdam, along with most of my clothes and a few of the many valuable things, because I prefer to travel light and I’m going back there from New Year’s onwards. I’ll go back to Amsterdam on the 30th, after my sister’s party that day, to which the family friends are coming as well. Everyone’s going out and stuff. I want to be all alone for New Year’s. I do not want to be smiling with those who have shared that Facebook lie and then called me a schizophrenic afterwards.  

23:12 (11:12 PM) 

Dinner made by my parents was very delightful:

Rib-eye steak and mac and cheese 🙂 . Very good quality meat – beyond good – for Dutch standards.  

Here’s the present I got, when I was trapped in the ward, but I was allowed to go home for Christmas, with an 9 PM curfew on the 26th:

Meow haha

Then, I wasn’t wearing this underneath. The praesens was for the elections of the D.O.C.I.S. International parliament, which didn’t get any attention – because you need to read my books to be able to understand – so there never were elections lol. And now it’s president :D. Or prime minister, actually… But I also want to be First Lady and Putin’s sidekick… Et cetera…

Meoww I’ll be killing zombies on my Nintendo and probably pass out at some point. 

Good night ♥

And like *insert* something you say on Christmas eve / night. I don’t know, because I’m not a Christian/capitalist. Haha but I would wear Christmas lingerie, because fuck Christmas HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂.

I love you haha ♥


Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, December 23, 2018

[I wrote this unfinished piece of post yesterday around 7 PM, but then something happened, and because of that, I still will not finish it. I’ll explain it to you 🙂 . Between the three dotted lines is the unfinished piece of post.]

My Cuddle ♥

Excuse my previous madness 🙁 . It’s a side effect that comes with my ambition. I hope you still love me. I get so mad, because I love you and I can’t stand that I can’t be with you 🙁 .

I had a lot of fun with my mother yesterday. When we were texting a few days before, I told her that I tend to stay away from her, because she can express the way she feels so negatively sometimes, and I want to see and hear her be happy. Hearing her express herself negatively gives me heartache and palpitations.

I feel terrible, too, but when we go out to do something together, it’s better to push those feelings aside, to try to emphasize the good things and to act happier than you are, because then you might end up feeling that way, too. I it worked for the both of us 😀 ♥

Around 2 o’clock, we took the metro to the city center. (We intended to leave around 1, but I kept snoozing my 10:50 alarm and at some point I accidentally dismissed it, so I woke up at 12:37 and had to rush…)

00:38 (AM) 

The reason why I’m so much later than usual with writing a post, was because I was socializing all day. It has been so long since I’ve felt so uplifted. I had conversations with my mother that really felt like it was like in the old days. I loved it. Then, here, at the house of the family friends I’m staying with, too, we were talking a lot. At first a lot about decision making from a parental perspective.

Then, later, somehow, we ended up talking about my business plans. I’ve touched on my business plans with other people before, but it’s so unique that I prefer to keep them to myself, because when it comes to money, some people try to do good with it, and some just want to have the most of it. I believe that because most people on this Earth are very self-preservative, this Earth is such a shit dystopia. I know that with my plans – less than half of them can be found online, because I prefer to memorize it, so that others can’t grow big with it before I do – there’s a lot of money to be made, which is why I prefer to keep them to myself, until I’m certain that I can trust someone.

This was the first time breaking down my full business concept, of which a part originated from the fact that with the natural circumstances in the Netherlands, life can be over at any second, and from people from my class, there are currently no plans of evacuation. That’s why I came up with the recruitment aspect of the organization. Also because space is limited. This quickly led to me being compared to – as I indicated before, in the “if I were to explain and my philosophy gets misinterpreted”-situation I described a few posts back, just type the last name in the search field to find it – Adolf Hitler. Of course, the comparison was a joke, since we’re talking about uncontrollable natural circumstances here.

There was also mentioned that we should raise awareness on that life in this country could be over at any second again, via mainstream media. Everyone learns about it in school, but no one gives a fuck, otherwise I would not be alone in this paranoia about nature ending my life at any second. Primary school is made mandatory by the government. If you wouldn’t attend, there’s a whole police patrol squad that makes sure you will. Everyone has been fully educated about this in geography class.

Raising awareness via mainstream media would cause so much chaos, because no one knows what to do, or doesn’t have the resources and/or capacity to do something useful, with that information. (Remember when I was typing about this in caps lock? It already felt like I was giving away too much.)

I don’t believe in raising awareness through mainstream media, but I do believe in proposing my solution and guiding the recruitment process through mainstream media. Then at least everyone knows and thus the chances will be equal. I find equal opportunities very important. Another thing I find important is usefulness, because it’s important that my island doesn’t go to shit the way this country will, one day. That’s not me destroying it. That’s just god’s work. I didn’t chose to be born here. No one did. (Right?)

The conversation ended with me being proposed to propose the product, service or strategy that will give me that amount of money I need to buy that island I’ll fully own and thus have the full right to decide over. I actually intend it to be bought by the holding, because I don’t want to rule over it all by myself, but because it’s my idea, I do want to own the parliament. Yes, things are arranged differently on Planet Fang.

When it comes to pitching my ideas, I always have trust issues. I guess that’s part of the reason why I still haven’t truly attempted to find an investor. (I’m considering constructing my business in such a way that co-owners will all be married to me, on Planet Fang, where everything is very different. I basically have to, since I’m so in love with these Graeynissis…) But of course I make exceptions for those who are close to me, when they ask.

So now I’ll be pitching “my million dollar strategy” coming Saturday. I love a challenge. [The soon deadline was because I made clear that my way to making it big isn’t a plan for 10 years. Life here can be over at any second and I want to be able to save myself (and other (useful) people). Truthfully, I want to have earned enough to rule over that island – and really truthfully already have that compound – within twelve months. Yes, twelve months. Actually I intended to already have been there by now, but I see I really am forced to do mainstream shit ah ew.] I wonder what it will lead to. I seek passionate investors, who care about the success of the endeavor more than about commas. They’re one of a kind and hard to find… Because of the class I’m stuck in with no money or support, I basically don’t come across them. But sometimes I’m lucky…

When I was having lunch with my mother, and she asked me where I want to live when I’m back at the ANWB full-time, I told her: “Wassenaar.” Yehess that’s not affordable with the salary I’ve earned there. I don’t intend to grow old here. I didn’t even intend to really target the Dutch market – because what’s the point, if it can flood at any second – but I have fallen in love… I showed my mother: “Look at how hot my Graeyniss is,” (those were not my literal words) and she was also like woaaaaah. Ah meoww… Suddenly he’s on my mind so much… I swear omgg… Including the thought of us suddenly giving in to the attraction we feel for each other and kissing… I love the way you grab my ass in my fantasy. Our life is wild and turbulent – like our sex – like a Dutch movie. (The upper class life painted in those movies is so alien to me. It’s so interesting in a sexy way.)

In my correspondence to him I’m indirectly all like oohh noo I look relatively good so people think my intention is to fuck anyone and then especially those with brains and influence, so it’s important that it’s clear that that is fucking bullshit. I’m not a house wife.  I want to make a career.

But simultaneously, with the natural circumstances in this country, my survival instinct is going crazy. If I were to be stuck with someone, I swear for me it’s the best to be stuck with someone else who would, like me, say: “If I would survive the flooding of this country, I would seize power.” With my level of intelligence and the circumstances I need to survive in, it doesn’t surprise me that I’m always fucking crazy attracted to tall grey haired men in suits. [HAHA HI THEREEEE 😀 ]

For this sexy Graeyniss, I would stay in this country and be a house wife… [Still no children, though, “sorry”….] The house wife part being cooking and setting up my own business, while the regular cycle of life as we now it now – everyone working – continues, until my business is finished and I can finally overthrow the system. People would talk so much shit about us, because we would look twice as hot if we were a couple… Don’t you maybe need a date for some fancy Christmas dinner? Does anyone need a date for a fancy Christmas dinner? I don’t like Christmas, but I love dress-up occasions and any chance to hear some serious Graeyniss conversations. I’d finally be able to be myself…

I’m such a pet cat… I now have two people I call Graeynissis, of whom I’m thinking that it’s possible that they could feel the same way about me as I do about them… I hope you’ll want to share, because now I feel un-cuddle for having feelings for more than one person, and I just want to have you all all to myself and I want you all to know it from each other. I hope I’ll be enough for you in that way, in terms of love (so that you’d be able to settle for my split attention) and that you’ll still feel like you’re my one and only.

On the rest of yesterday: I took my usual types of pictures, thinking of sharing it on here as I explain to you the deatils of my day. But the conversations lasted until very late and I need to get up early today. (It’s probably also not that interesting for you. That’s why it’s all the way down here.)

I had to get fangy and eat some medium-rare meat

I didn’t go here today, but I went there on a school excursion once, and, while usually I’m not a fan of excursions, there’s such interesting meaning in the architecture, art and design of this Paleis op de Dam, so I wanted to tell you this is a must-see

New blush was one of my gifts ♥

We later went there “for dessert” 🙂

This is what I selected as a gift for my family friends’ house I currently live in, for underneath the Christmas tree. How do you find my interior design vision?  :p

As I walked home, the sky was looking Cuddle

This is the perfume I use and wanted to buy again from my €150 Christmas budget. But they don’t sell it anywhere anymore?? 🙁 So now Lady Million Privé is my new scent. The other one is an Opium eau de toilette by Yves Saint Laurent. There are multiple ones with this name, but this exact one I can’t find anywhere. It was hard to find the first time already…

Now that I feel better – I’ve been so silent for so long, I’m happy to have had some good conversations and events – it’s like my body hurts less as well. It’s probably not a good move, health wise, even though simultaneously exercise is healthy, but I already mentioned to my mother how much I miss it, and then I saw this event for tomorrow, so I could just not not sign up… There’s a little basketball event tomorrow, in the Apollohal, from 12:30 until 14:30. For €4.50 you can join the poule and play 15 minute games. I’m excited! 😀 It has been so long since I played… I miss it so much! It’s too cold to play outside 🙁 . So tomorrow I’m going 😀 .

It’s now 03:54 and I need to figure out how to make my way there and stuff tomorrow… And be early because teams will be made et cetera. I’m thus going to sleep.

I love you sooooo much

Good night (literally haha) ♥


10:04 (AM)

Good morning

I just posted this to let you know I’m awake.  I’m going to take a shower.

By the way, since I find it more important to succeed in my life goals than to earn, but I do need to earn [soon as fuck… I’ll also need protection soon if people are going to proclaim that I have plans for the evacuation of a hand-picked (by application and recruitment [that used to go via my book projects, in which no one paricipated – I’m mad and might change my genre to something more populist – but will now go via emailing]) group of people and that I still allow people from other countries on that island as citizens as well [I can do that, because these fucked up natural circumstances are not the only reason for me to run this business…. It’s also because the system is absolute shit everywhere in the world and everyone deserves to attempt to an alternative]], I’m thinking of taking some initiative as someone who doesn’t vote and dominate the shit out of these literal political Graeynissis . Oh and the king, too, hehe. By starting a political party or something else via the democratic system I’m subjected to (beetje jammer… [that I’m subjected to it haha]). Know that I consider it my responsibility, as a non-voter. But I find that those who do vote but other than that only complain in front of the television, have that same self-initiative responsibility. I’d call it “The Fang Party”. Ons hoofdstandpunt is “fuck politics” HAHAHA.

I’ll be getting ready. Don’t Judas me in the meantime 😀 xxx


11:07 (AM) 

HAHA ayyy seriously I have such good ideas for Dutch politics! And for the promotion of The Fang Party (vote for a chance of getting access to all compounds). I’ll make music videos for promotion (Nero style HAHA… This sounds very Hitler-like haha but I swear I’m pro equal survival chances HAHAHAHAH). If I were to seize power, the Netherlands will become part of Planet Fang as well 😀 . I’m also pro voting rights for everyone, so everyone anywhere in the world will be allowed to vote for the Netherlands. Especially women who are not allowed to vote!!!! 

I challenge the Dutch prime minister to a dance battle…. Maak je borst maar nat mattie I’m coming for youuu.

So my donation thing will become: Help Lil Fangs De Tweede Kamer in…. Gotta eat fast and hurry brb xxx


11:46 (AM) 

Hey jongens, ik voel een nieuw referendum aankomen… Ick will namelijk graeg den grootsten dele mijnes tijdes in “Hispanje” (maar dan Planet Fang) spendeeren.

I think “Den Fang Partij” is trouwens een betere naam.


For my political economy strategy things… Benoît Crutzen… IK. KIES. JOU!!! *gooit pokéball*


11:58 (AM) 

Yoo where the fuck are my earplugs :'( . I always lay them next to my bed 🙁 . Travelling musicless sucks. My music will be played everywhere. I also have a lot of ideas for the improvement of the quality of television. I want to own 20% of all zendtijd forever for education material from Den Fang Partij.

So there should be one more colony which will be a separate island, for the Netherlands, which will be named Planet Fang if I win. Or if I’ll be able to make so much noise that there will be elections right now.

Of ik links of rechts ben? Ik ben niks mattie. Fuck dat systeem. Ik ben Lil Fangs HAHA.

Yo Rutte… Fuck jouw partij en kom gewoon bij mij ofzo?

Also, I want Vicje, Lorenzo and Sander as active members of my party…


14:10 (02:10 PM)

I’m having a lot of fun 😀 . I’m trying to get people to join me for my group picture at the end of the event. I’ve already told a few people I want to run for president and that I had that idea this morning. I want to show you I’m a people person 🙂 . Vote for me 😀 ♥


15:07 (03:07 PM) 

When I arrived at the basketball event, I saw that I was the only girl there and teams were already made. I didn’t want to take down the pace of the games the guys were playing, so my intention was to practice some by myself for the full two hours, on the free basket.

Then later, Jozef invited me to join his team. They had to leave before the event ended, so we have a separate picture 🙂 :

The team 😀

They’re all from Lebanon, except Rashid next to me, who is from Syria.

When I told them that I want to run for president here, Jozef said: “(Then) you probably don’t want us here.” His response scared me up. The way people are forced to leave their countries is outrageous, and world peace is definitely on the list of things I want to achieve!! Good living circumstances world wide, too. Of course you should be welcome here, since this country is in the top ten of weapon manufacturers. You should be treated like a king here.

Especially because I’m a person of color and I’m used to dumb racist people telling me that “I should go back to my own country” (while the Dutch nationality is my own nationality…) I for sure am not that the type of person who will discriminate people on where they’re from or what their background is. That’s the most ignorant thing people do these days.

My immediate response was: “You shouldn’t want to be here yourself, because there are no plans of evacuation for the people from our class, when this country is threatened by nature, to be flooded. That’s one of the things I want to propose a solution for when I’m elected president.”

Here are all group pictures taken, so you’re free to select your best one 🙂 [Shout out to the girl with the pink jacket, who made the picture ♥ ] :

Yay 1

Yay 2

Yay 3

Yay 4

Yay 5

Yay 6

Yay 7

If I were to organize a basketball event and ask people €4.50 for entrance, you’d get a bottle of water and a snack. Lil Fangs for President ayy.

I just came back home. I’ve been joking about my campaign statements and programme, but I have some serious plans and I’ll entirely break them down in the free book I came up with when I was in the tram: Lil Fangs for President. I’ll get started with it today 🙂 . First, I need to finish my business website and the 180 Days of Fangs article, though. Haha one project at a time…


15:54 (03:54 PM) 

Oh yes, why I’m not wearing basketball clothes? Because my basketball clothes and shoes are at home. I decided to look for meetups to join for today, last night, while I’m staying in Amsterdam with my family friends.

At some point I stopped playing team games, today, because my knees and ankles started to hurt. I wasn’t wearing the right shoes… I also suffered from “osgood schlatter” – a force and growth related sports injury – for quite some time, when I used to play for Rotterdam Basketball (the regular club, not eredivisie or something haha).

I then started to practice dribbling and shooting, in a walking pace, with my focus on not looking at the ball while playing. I dribbled with my eyes closed. I can show you that, as a president, I can dribble with my eyes closed, which means that my senses are very good, which shows that I’m a very alert president.


16:55 (04:55 PM) 

Ohh I made this picture when I gave myself a water break from practicing jump shots and lay ups and stuff, before I joined the team:

I always focus on my screen, but I guess I should look into the camera, but then I don’t know what my facial expression looks like… I need to practice my charisma more…

Lil Fangs for President will be released in both Dutch and English (the languages I can write in). If anyone wants to translate it to another language, I’ll share it for sure.

I find it important that there’s world wide attention for the situation here, in this country, since the problem here will at some point affect every single country on Earth, and I’m trying to be ahead of it. That’s why my correspondence is currently in English. I don’t know why no one else is doing this, too. Know that I have no patience for people who focus on gossip shit. I’m trying to make a serious change. I’m by the way against reading speeches from paper or a teleprompter…

I will also not be begging for votes. Voting is of course a choice, and if you want to hate on my initiative – while no one else is showing initiative the way I do, on this level – go ahead and please don’t even consider to vote. Then I have less people I’ll have to take into consideration for something that is not my responsibility. I just want to help because I’m able to, but other than that, it’s your life’s task to save yourself.


21:03 (09:03 PM) 

I’ve been thinking of going home for Christmas. I mentioned it during dinner. The thing that made it not easy and obvious is that my father has to allow and want me to be home, since he’s the house owner who sets the rules. Eric came with the idea to call him and ask if he finds it okay. After some internal fears, I called. He didn’t pick up. He called me when I was doing number two. When I tried to call back, I got an immediate “call ended” after pressing call, without voice mail. He also texted me to ask if I tried to call him. I said yes. He asked why. I said that it’s because I want to come home for Christmas and my sister’s birthday. (I still want to be all by myself by new year’s. I find one formality enough and do not want to reflect on last year with those who have experienced part of that hell with me.) He said fine, that’s okay and sent some love related smileys. So now I’m going home for Christmas. As a politician to be, I’ll stick to doing populist shit because I want your love ah meoww.

My god I really feel like crying and dying. I wish all of this drama just didn’t exist. Esha texted me at the right moment, asking me if I would like to join her and Elgin (the DJ I mentioned before), because he’s the first performer at a club tonight. I’m tired from playing basketball and stuff, but dancing and being with nice people will make me feel better for sure.

Sorry for not doing the “work related” [I’m not earning from it] things I mentioned today. I hope you still love me. I also hope you’ll save me from the huge task I’ve given myself when it comes to our society, in the sense that I know that’s unhealthy for me to work so much, but I can’t stop…

Also, entering politics sounds very exciting to me, but the thought of that nonsense gossip media… If there’s one thing that deep down just makes me want to ask that person what the fuck he/she is doing with his/her life and emphasize that the questions that are asked by the media 99% of the time are complete fucking nonsense. I hope it won’t give me too many palpitations 🙁 .

I intend to stick to water tonight…


23:24 (11:24 PM) 

We’re in club Nova. Kendrick Lamar’s Swimming Pools is playing in the background. It’s quite rustig sill. DJ Elli-BS’s set is lit like usual.

I numb down my emotions so heavily when I’m sober, I really want to get intoxicated and feel something, but it’s not good for my health…

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, December 22, 2018

01:11 (AM) 

What’s good, my meow ♥

I’m loving the look of the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International website. Too bad I probably won’t be able to finish it before going to sleep. My mother will be here tomorrow at one o’clock, so I need to be ready before that time. 

How I feel about it? It’s better if I just casually change the topic of this, because oh my god all of the shit that is happening to me and has been done to me should have been fucking illegal. I don’t live in my own home, eh. 

My options if I don’t hear from my Graeyniss? Absolutely zero. My patience with this proletarian shit? Getting close to numbers below zero. My health? Well, I’m still breathing. Only when I lay down I notice how much I’m in pain. Other than that, it might not seem as if I’m dying – everyone who doesn’t believe that I’m sick can also start purchasing cold-proof swimwear – but know that it is not fucking healthy for me to walk around for months with white blood cells in my urine and an infection that antibiotics don’t change a thing about. But if society stays like this, I’d rather let it kill me. Fuck all of this shit. 

Oh and yess my business website says 6 publications, but there are only 3 on this website. “Christmas special” haha godverdomme: while I was editing my websites [you can now also download D.O.C.I.S. directly from this website], I have re-sent the books I unpublished when I started to apply for jobs [because I mentioned my personal situation in them, with that schizophrenia diagnosis I do not agree with, about which I didn’t tell my employer, when I applied (but I’ve told him about it, when I was fully open and honest in that very long email)] for republication. I assume that it can just be published again, since it was published before – I’m talking about the distribution platform – maar het is altijd even spannend. If all goes well, you’ll be able to see all 6 of them very soon. Look:

The left date is the publication date. They have all been published before. Good luck swimming, if you don’t believe me. I’m showing you the rest of my tabs consciously. That’s Fangyist. 

Buy it, when it’s there? Ah, what’s the point. I’m not going to keep waiting and begging for it… What the fuck. Doei. 

I love you, my Graeyniss ♥

Please Cuddle me 🙁


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, December 21, 2018

03:47 (AM) 

Haha my e-mail was sent at 03:45 (AM). It has 5169 words and is 8 pages, if you would copy-paste the text to a word document, excluding the PDF attachment file (my curriculum vitae). They [info websites on how to approach high ranked people] always say that it’s important to keep it short. But I like to stand out in the way I express myself. Plus, I really had to make clear why I approached him for this and not the recruitment staff. Also, I think I made it a very fun read 🙂 . 

Haha but I totally forgot about off days during the holidays. I scared up from that automated “I’ll be back in January” message… My case is so urgent in a very uncommon way, proletarians will say “No,” without even trying to understand what is going on here [that is not what I mentioned in the email haha]. He’s my only hope… [That’s also not what I mentioned in the e-mail.] It’s not only the money for doctor’s visits and a home, it’s also because I’ll engage in holiday activities, while thinking: But I hate Christmas, no matter what… I’m far too depressed to celebrate and you should want to be jolly and want to be together – instead of fucking kicking me out man wtf – and whatever other sentimental reason there is for that festivity, every day. It’s the same shit with Valentine’s day. Why only one day for flowers, sex and saying loving things? It should be like that every day. Or it’s better to say: “You should feel like that every day.” I want to work during the holidays, because that pays so much better. 

Haha I love my e-mail. I hope he does, too. (HAHA INSIDE JOKE. Haha omgg my hearttt I wonder what his response will be… And if I’ll get one…) I hope he’ll feel the exception in this – and I know proletarians will say that I shouldn’t feel special enough to be able to become friends with the director [if you’re in between the behind the scenes top of a business and the proletarian floor, you’re “the” director, to me…], since “I am no one” in terms of sheepy business visuals and in terms of the proletarian ladder, too, in which he is in the ultimate position – as well. 

It’s a not that heavily business related mail*. I hope, ondanks dat automatische bericht, it will still end up on his iPad [haha it’s funny to imagine how he would sit somewhere using an iPad in his free time… I have no idea what the director life looks like…] and that he’ll answer my question even before his holiday ends…. Hopen mag altijd :D. 


I’m going to sleep 

Good night ♥


15:00 (03:00 PM)

Sup ♥

I’m getting tired of struggling. I already went to sleep late asf, then I still had trouble falling asleep and when I finally fell asleep, I was woken up by a nightmare. It’s a nightmare when the lucidity makes me feel stress and/or pain consciously. 

I dreamt that I was at some “city sports” event [a marathon or something… Something that is a reason to close off the city center with fences and stuff everywhere.] and for some reason I carried three bags with me. Then someone managed to steal them by putting them all in one big sports bag. I asked someone (I was with?): “Waar is hij? Heb je hem gezien?”

That person answered: “Ja, hij is gewoon daar,” and pointed towards slightly further ahead in the crowd, in which we were suddenly all walking forward in.

I started to increase my walking speed, getting ready to sprint. When I had my eyes fixed on him, while he was semi-casually walking a few rows of people ahead of me, I pointed to him and said: “JIJ. GAAT DOOD,” and started to increase my pace. So did he. I didn’t run at full speed yet, because I wanted him to be caught off guard by it. 

At some point, I dashed towards him. Right before I was able to grab him, I woke up. It has been quite a while since I had a nightmare. Evidence that all of the thc from Germany is out of my system now.  I don’t intend to go back to smoking so habitually, ever again. 

Haha this day feels so strange. I thought that my days of bed petting were over and I would be able to earn some, so that I could get my health fixed. But I’m still petty… 

* In the sense that I’m basically only asking for a personal perspective and not for some intense conpany correspondence. I also – unlike many of those wild clients – didn’t say anything in the context of being mad. I’m not mad. But I am worried about if I’ll succeed in saving myself. Most people can’t help me in this. And yes, it feels extremely like “I actually can’t do this,” to ask him for help. But meow 🙁 . I can always try. Haha it’s all so personal, though… I have 0 idea of what to expect. Please be careful with my heart 🙁 . 

By means of being productive – and less smelly ehehee – I’m going to wash my fro and wig. 

Here’s a picture of me at the event from Wednesday :'( :

Did I earn €500 for someone…?

Mag ik het hebben? (The prize money.) Mag ik betere evenementen organiseren? Als we niet brainstormen, gaan we dansen… I said it first… Of karaoke doen ofzo… 


18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Hmm… What should I do now…? Make a beat, or change my business website again? 

My cousin sent me some music production software. I usually use Reason, but with the lite version – haha meoow that type of software is so expensive – I can’t really make beats that sound as multi-layered as I want them to sound, because the amount of instruments I can add is limited. But now not anymore, with the full version of Ableton 🙂 . 

I haven’t experienced my first time in the studio yet, still, though. [But here’s what I made with Reason Lite and my phone’s microphone, when I was in Surinam: Listen to I. Intro; Free Will by _LilFangs #np on #SoundCloud]
  I didn’t really clearly indicate it and it turned out that his class started an hour earlier, so we only chilled for like 45 minutes. It was nice to see him. To not miss out on the hangout, I didn’t go back to the house after picking up the package – a bag and a wallet – I let be shipped to the nearby bookstore – het afhaalpunt Bruna. I walked around with a big box and the fruit I bought, and then unpacked it when I arrived at his school. The bag is definitely not as cool as my previous one, but at least I have a bag now haha… 

I want to do both… I also want to move my muscles some, because being inside all day drives me crazyyyy. (But so does the cold…) 

By the way, I hadn’t shown you this yet:

I wonder if my Graeyniss told him to do this haha 😀

That person who last minute told me that I can’t work, said that I should try again when I have my passport, in January. But what if I’m dead by then…? I don’t want to stay inside doing nothing for so long… I’m also not going to apply for a job elsewhere, because this is the most challenging type of customer service… I can only do customer service, because proletarians can’t see my talent and only look if you have working experience and a diploma 🙁 . (And I detest the concept and work of customer service… I prefer to take care of everything myself, online, when I need assistance with some product. Those people on the phone are the worst.) But I don’t want to put so much effort in doing something I actually don’t want to do at all… I just want a new MRI, man, haha god dammittttt…. 

So at first, I thought of making the new website a very extensive description of my projects and stuff. But what’s the fucking point, if everyone ignores what I put out? I’m going to keep it very simple. 

HAHA by the way, I find this the ultimate “Christmas” song they should play in supermarkets and shit:

I love the alliterations and other elements I recognize from translating Latin poetry! (The funny thing is that it’s not a joke!) 😂 ♥  


19:28 (07:28 PM) 

My hair loss is by the way intense. When I was younger, my hair was three times as full and long. Meoow why am I losing my cat hairss ah 🙁 . 

I am by the way very disappointed with the turnout for participants in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’m going to close the entire process and solely hand-pick people by random encounters, because this is absurd. I have literally one person who had signed up – but only by completing half the process – and (to summarize it) the answer to the question: “Why would you qualify for the position of Illuminatus Intelligens?” is “Maybe I don’t *wink emoji*”… But then you actually really don’t qualify? 🙁 I am not taken seriously at all. This is a hopeless situation 🙁 . 

So, even though it was my intention to make it an equal and very easily accessible process, I’ll fully divert my focus from the recruitment. I’m also not going to continue to write that book series. For real, this time. The fuck are you letting me struggle me with my palpitations for. OOOOHH OF COURSE! Let me update my curriculum vitae first 🙂 . The fuuuuck noo it’s not my life goal TO WRITE MYSELF TO DEATH MAAHN omgg stupid un-cuddles 🙁 . That writing won’t take my entire life span, if I’d try to finish it. I could complete the series in a year if my time WOULDN’T BE WASTED BY BEING KICKED OUT and other shit 🙁 . And if I were to have enough savings to solely write. But why the fuuck would I put so much effort in sharing my passion with the public, if I’ve had only one sale and one recruitment application. 

My sole focus will be assembling Graeynissis for my Thesis. Capital “T”, because it will be legendary as fuck. Bitches. 

Ahh meoow if I could get them all into one house… We could start our start-up from there. It would be so much fun ♥ . Ah meoww I also want us to sleep in the same bed meoww. All together. These tall Graeynissis in one warm Cuddle… Omg it sounds like a dream 😻 .


So to summarize what I just said with different words: there will be no “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”. That was my sole populist attempt to get some appreciation from proletarians. But if this is the turn-out, I really don’t even want it, honestly. So fuck it 😀 . 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, December 20, 2018

00:43 (12:43 PM) 

Meow 😻 ♥

Haha change of plans

They’re quite filling 🙂

Pascale bought me two six-packs of them ♥ . I prefer to not have to leave my bed, when I’m tired and hungry at the same time. 

I don’t know what I should do now that I have something exciting and new obligations, while my body pains are increasing further. It’s now not only my back anymore. It’s my full torso :'( . I totally forgot that the increasing pain got to its peak within 72 hours, the last time I was hospitalized. Now, the pain makes me shake. Shake in the sense that I keep trying to adjust my posture to a position in which my body hurts less, but simultaneously, I think of how laying foetus position is not good for my Wirbelsäule 🙁 . And then I try to straighten my posture and the pain increases again. 

I do nottt want to go to a Dutch hospital for this. The last time was so traumatizing :'( . 

Without a diagnosis, they put me on the drip, first with something called NHCL or something… Some random fluid that I actually didn’t want in my body 🙁 . Then they put antibiotics on the drip, but it some point it made my hand swell up, SO AFTER FUCKING BEGGING AND PLEADING AND SENDING MAILS AND SHIT they took that fucking needle out of MY HAND. I PLAY THE PIANO :'( . I was given soooo many painkillers. The first painkiller they gave me, I needed to take with a stomach protection pill. I then asked for a pill that could not fuck up my stomach. I had taken tramadol twice before [in a combination with weed… With my wild(ly talented) ex boyfriend Andrew]. The painkillers didn’t do anything against the increasing pain. When they transferred me to the psychiatric ward and they later called me to say that the cause of that pain was chlamydia [what the actual fuuuck I feel it in my kidneys sooo…], they gave me two large antibiotics pills – which first weren’t allowed in the ward, so I HAD TO FUCKING PLEAD AGAIN – and I stepped away from hospital food and cooked for myself in the ward. I was then, still, barely able to walk, but I shoved myself to the supermarket regularly. [AND THEN THEY CALLED ME A SCHIZOPHRENIC THERE, TOO. THE NERVE!! THEY CAN’T EVEN FUCKING COOK X_X.] I showered sitting in a chair. Even the water hurt my back. It was a stressful period – especially with wild patients those doctors called like-minded people for me – but it was nice to be away from my parents fucking ranting about me after work every fucking single day.

I think the cold increases the pain… I’m hot and cold all of the time. I’m laying in bed with warm leggings, a t-shirt AND a fucking thick sweater [the red one I bought in Germany]. Underneath the sheets… Yet still sometimes I feel cold… 🙁  

If you’d touch my kidney area right now, I would accidentally fang you, because it hurts soo much. Just like my stomach. It’s getting hard to bed pet 🙁 . I don’t want to die alone in my sleep. Please cuddle me to sleep 🙁 . I love you so much, just being with you – and thus having to worry less about my success in the future – would take away so much pain 🙁 . 

Last time, in the hospital, I asked for my B. I didn’t want to see those whose words inflict pain on me. 

Oh, how I got the job, by the way: after my Graeyniss left, I spoke to the person who was standing next to him, about that I have a lot of time free and “I’m looking for an occupation” [it’s actually “I need money”]. He introduced me to his colleague, who I have to call tomorrow to arrange how we’ll take care of things HR-wise. I hope I can take care of it via the internet…

When I was standing there, it still seemed feasible, health wise, to work for a month and then use that to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany. Oh, I mean Thomas 😻 . But now, if I were to truly listen to my body, I can’t even chill with my cousin [Jermaine 🙂 ♥ ] tomorrow 🙁 . I don’t want to miss out on my first time in a studio :'( .

What to do…? 🙁 I’m really not going back to that regular hospital. I want to die of old age or from suicide and not from shit medication. I want to know what I have 🙁 . But they’re going to not want to go the extra mile for me with the type of insurance I have, like they’ve done so often already 🙁 . Since there is a lot of medical examination that needs to be done [a full body one and not a less than half body one], I need to find a really good doctor and pleaseee a really good sick bed. The sick beds I’ve laid in were cold and hard, with a pillow that made my neck hurt :'( .

Has anyone seen my B? I want a cuddle… Ah, he’s a free B from Friday onwards, I believe…? Cuddle? 🙁

I’m going to eat these cookies and attempt to rest.

Love me? 🙁


11:08 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I’m glad that I feel better than last night.

About the new function, I haven’t really been saying much, but I think that – if that’s all I can do with the amount of diplomas and certificates I have – it might be the function with the noble cause I wanted. When I applied for my previous function, too, I wanted to be the helping hand who guarantees you that everything will be all right and who you can share your feelings with.

The clientèle (customer base) of my previous function were people who were impatient and agressive and my role related to the final step of getting home safe. Often people had already lost their patience even before it was my turn to help them. I hope that with this one, I’ll more be able to console and comfort people, like I want to.

Yes, I type a lot in caps lock and stuff on here – because I have the right to vent, too 🙁 – but when it comes to real life professionality, it’s like all of those emotions of mine don’t exist. I’ve experienced a lot, so I’ll be able to relate to a lot of things my clients will be going through at the moment they need my assistance. Also, my knowledge on health related things is quite broad, so I’ll be the one of a kind employee I always am 🙂 .

I hope I’ll be able to reach my colleague and that whatever I’m going through myself won’t affect my further application process. Haha I reallyyy need the moneyy… I need a new MRI, I want to do something that makes me feel more useful – proletarians will respect me more when I have something I earn from – and I’m still on this D.O.C.I.S. International path, which includes emigrating, at some point… But it’s cool to be able to work there and to not have to make university assignments at the same time, so I’ll have a lot more real free time, compared to last time… Last time, it was 40 hours of work and officially 24 hours of school per week. But I did it with something like 7 hours of school per week, on average.

Haha noo this is not the logical way to tackle things, with my health in this state and all of the hopes and dreams I have for my own business, but financially, this is basically my only choice. Yes, “my father” earns so much that he could almost give me my salary as pocket money and give me back 40 hours of my life per week, plus not let me bleed to death financially, but he wants me to live a proletarian life.

The pain is there, making me able to walk less good than yesterday – then it was also fucked up – but it’s not making me shake the way I did last night, right now. The mucus formation I’m dealing with is worse than yesterday. I’m thinking of going fruit shopping at the Turkish supermarket, before I head over to my cousin. I’m excited 😀 . I’m going to try to reach my colleague again, maybe take a little nap before I head over to the mini mall from here to pick up the package I ordered and buy some fruit, and then later head over to my cousin’s school.

In the meantime, I’ll probably still come back here to talk to you 🙂 ♥


14:45 (02:45 PM) 

Heey what the un-meow 🙁 . This “colleague” called me, saying that HR really needs a copy of my passport, instead of a print-out from the government website – which was what we agreed on¿¿¿ – because it’s for such a short period. That’s such a weird argument to not let me work 🙁 . So I asked her that if I’m able to send her a copy of the two sides of my passport [on my phone, I only have a picture of the front, but they also need the back side, because that’s where my personal identification number can be found [just like on the website of the government, which was what we agreed on before… I seriously already put the shift they want to put me on in my agenda…] – since I had to do that, too, when I applied the first time – that I would then still be able to work. She said yes to that and emphasised the “if I succeed in doing that before Monday”. 

Ah meoow I was going quite steady with acting if everything is going all right, but this is a serious form of bad luck that can have very serious consequences. I didn’t apply for that job because I want to spend my hours in the coffee corner talking bullshit. It’s life or death, for me. I haven’t explained my personal situation to them, but if I did, they really have to hire me. I have health expenses to cover and with my sole proprietorship I don’t bild up retirement funds. Ik dacht dat foute toezeggingen alleen naar klanten toe gemaakt werden. What the fuck… I’m going to mail my Graeyniss 🙁 . [I’m happy with now having a work-related reason to e-mail him haha yaay 😻 ]

I’m eating an egg sandwich right now, while drinking some tea.

And now I brought my plate to the kicthen haha.

I’m going to go fruit shopping and pick up my package, after which I’ll head over to my cousin. Gotta run 😀 xxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

03:57 (AM) 

My Cuddle ♥

Haha I still intend to go back to sleep… I was hoping that spontaneous “going to bed before 12” [ended up eating some more and reading some of my own articles, after which I sent that fleh email to the embassy] was going to give me a proper sleeping rhythm… 

But all of that late night reasoning in my bed, the rest of the hours I wasn’t typing, has made me hungry… Again x_x. I’ve taken half a pill of paracetamol before going to sleep. I usually don’t take things like that, because I prefer truly natural medicine, but I want to be at that event without collapsing. I’m excited… If my Graeyniss is there, haha….. Ah meoow it’s double keeping me awake, because I’m thinking of conversation starters [what would be the absolute coolest is if I were to not have to start the conversation 😀 ] – the initiation is always the only part that seems nerve-wracking – while he might not even be there. Is it trippier now that he already knows about my blog and he knows that I have mentioned him before on here, because I asked permission to keep the post, so he might even read this ah haha meooow *hides*. 

Haha I’m going to get something to eat. 

I’ve been thinking of what to wear… If there are camera’s again, I don’t want to be dressed too informally… [Excuzi (is that a new word of Cuddle? I think so :D)… I’ll elaborate on this I typed that I was going to stand up, but I haven’t stood up yet and just continued typing… I love bed petting and because of my hunger, my body is a lot less strong, so it requires a lot of capacity to stand up…]


04:44 (AM) 

This is Graet 😀

Jamiro made this 🙂 [Haha see how I suddenly mentioned a name? I already mentioned his name when I translated that drunk video of mine. I’ve known him since I was a baby. I’m staying in the house of his parents. He’s staying on the top floor, now that his sister has moved out. I’m staying in his old room 😋 .] This is hands down one of the best pastas I’ve ever eaten. The taste is so subtle, it tastes like my own style of cooking. I love subtle flavours 🙂 . I texted him yesterday asking if I could eat it for lunch, because I saw it in the fridge. Because of the late showering, going grocery shopping, being late so already having to start cooking and then throwing a fit at the embassy and translating it, I completely missed out on lunch. He mentioned some things about using different ingredients and that the taste might not be optimal. I seriously absolutely love it! 😻

I intend to one day start to just mention names instead of saying Cuddle and fleh and Graeyniss all the time. But I need to make sure who I want to keep in my life. Talents are very important to me, in that context…

Tasting the food of someone for the first time is always a horrifying experience for me, because I want to love it and respond to it positively, but I have such advanced taste that this is rarely the case, and then I still always say that it’s good, but after that I can’t say much more, because I’m actually telling a white lie, and I don’t want that person to notice that I’m lying.

This was my first time trying food made by him, and most people of our age can’t cook for shit, but this is on such a level that I would not at all mind to say: “Please cook for me every day? 😻 ” [Not literally, haha. As in that I know that there are things he can do even better than cooking.] Ik weet het nu dus zeker: “jij mag sowieso blijven” 🙂 . [HAHA MAAR DAT KLINKT GEKK. Especially because he’s on the top floor right now – I hope I didn’t wake him up with my loud foot steps… the same goes for Eric and Pascale 🙂 ♥ – and I’m downstairs typing this without notifying him. But I’ll definitely give him a compliment for his awesome cooking 🙂 [This writing is a compliment, but I’m talking about complimenting in person]] “In my “schizophrenic” context of having to select people based on character, intelligence and skills, et cetera, because of this overpopulation meets nature’s “revenge”” thingy…

Here’s round 2 🙂

Since I’m still living out a suitcase, I don’t have that many clothing options. I have four dresses with me, but they’re all too cold.  I think I’ll blend in with some meows and wear my suit, but my suit jacket actually needs to be brought to the dry cleaners. I wore it when I went to the Suicide Club in Berlin. It smells like beer and cigarettes… Haha with this weather and the suitcase life my amount of alternatives is basically 0, though. 

I must mention that at the ANWB, employees are encouraged to dress informally, though. (And then its so cool to see what someone’s definition of informal is :). I wore a pink dress with white with green high socks and white sneakers to one of my first work days once, but if I would have known that I would meet the “floor” director that day, I would have dressed differently. 

I hope that that’s what I’m mentally preparing myself for right now. Haha I’m typing about it so much that I’m really blowing this whole event up. Not literally HAHAHAHAHA. I mean that basically all colleagues I know have said that they’re not attending. So if… 

Should I do it…? Mention his name, too? Haha yes, of course 😀 . I want to be friends meoow. I really enjoyed our conversation the last time and he has mentioned several times in e-mails [since we mailed a bit until I was like “May I interview you?” and then I made things seem so random because it’s so not clear what Lil Fangs does, but the interview was because I, back then, still wanted to take the populist route with my business and show an exemplary life to plebians… Now I still have a lot of questions for him, but I don’t feel that incentivized to share what I’ll learn anymore, because all proletarians do is criticize, and I want to avoid that for us as much as possible] that he wants to keep me as an employee. I hope I’m his prospect 😻 . 

For colloquial reasons – and because I was allowed to address this one meow informally – I’ll be on a first name basis with those who can stay, to me, from now on. 

Yess… So if Victor is not going… What the fuck am I going to do there? 😂 There are so many things I want to talk about with him! 😀 I hope he’s going, but I don’t want to seem like a thirsty person *drinks 6 gallons of water* [haha kidding…], so I’m not sending any “Hey are you going?” emails… [I’m forever mailing these Graeynissis… Right…? These sexy Cuddlemeows… (I’m just saying “pleasing to the eye”…) Benoît… Lorenzo… Sander is “my last option” over there at the EUR, trying to arrange a team of fellow [HAHA I say “fellow”] Graeys to get involved with the Nosce Te Ipsum thesis of mine, after which the other theses follow and we’ll rule over our own world with D.O.C.I.S. International… But I’m so afraid of not getting a response from him either ah meoww] I’ll just let myself be surprised. I can already see myself low key look around for a tall Graeyniss ahahahahahahahahaha. The funny thing is that I know so many of my former[…? I called myself unemployed the whole time… Why is there an event in December to talk about fucking insane *animal sound* [there are not even words for it, really… Those clients… Oh my god…] going on a holiday in the Summer? I must say I love anything brainstormy. Secretly I hope it’s organized because you miss me. Only me 🙂 . I’m looking for a real challenge I can earn from now that I don’t have a team of Graeynissis working with me on Project Nosce Te Ipsum. So if there’s work, I don’t want to wait until the Summer, since I have nothing to do and I’m so broke… I’m serious… My debit account is on minus and if I don’t continue my studies in January [sign up deadline is Jan 5, so I still have time to think and, more importantly, save up haha say whaaaat] I’ll fully be without an income… And the government will want its money back. Also, I still need to fucking get my Dutch tax agency login codes, so that I can show them they should fuck off with wanting to claim more than €5000 revenue tax from me, because I haven’t earned shitttttt] colleagues read my blog every now and then and, as I mentioned, he knows about this blog, too… I wonder if he’s one of the people who refreshes a diary post multiple times a day. I must say I love that about the concept of my blog. I wish I had someone I could stalk like that, too. There’s no Fangs for Fangs 🙁 . Or is there? I’m not on really social media or anything else trendy, so I wouldn’t even know… 

Haha ayy it’s exactly 6 AM right now and I need to be semi-sharp and feel better than I do now. I’m already getting hungry again, so it’s nice that I hadn’t entirely finished my plate yet, while I typed this entire essay haha.

Haha it feels so random to suddenly be mentioning names on here. It feels uplifting for some reason. It also means no mercy, so please be nice to me 🙂 .

Good night again, my Cuddle ♥

T is basically gewoon tot straks want mijn alarm gaat om 10:30 maahn ahahah ayy ik ga zo moe zijn… Het is twee uur reizen vanaf hier, dus om daar om 5 uur te zijn, moet ik om 3 uur weg. Haha ayy dit moet echt de moeite waard zijn…

I love you ♥


06:28 (AM) 

I just revised this text, put my plate in the dishwasher, got myself upstairs… There’s no way I’m going to get up at 10:30 AM, so I’m changing my alarm’s time to 1 PM. I just wanted to get up at 10:30 AM, because I want a healthy sleeping rhythm and a visibly healthy writing rhythm [AS FAR AS WRITING THIS MUCH CAN BE HEALTHY… IMAGINE WRITING SO MUCH YOURSELF]. 

Ah, meow… Now I need to scroll up and down this article again, because I’m going to upload this piece of added past 06:28 AM text, and for that I need to re-insert the HTML emoji code, by replacing the emoji with the code, so that I won’t get a database error and a message of the text not being uploaded. Because of that re-inserting, you keep seeing emojis in the article, while the article gets longer throughout the day. 

13:40 (01:40 PM) 

I snoozed my alarm for ten minutes twice,  when I woke up with a howling stomach as usual. Instead of running downstairs to eat, I went to the top floor to see if my suit pants are dry. They are 🙂 . Then, I went to the bathroom, because it feels the nastiest to eat without having brushed my teeth. I’m now sitting at the dinner table. I’ll show you slightly more scenery than usual, since when I came here:

Mid-eating amazing left overs 🙂

Haha I’ve been thinking of conversation starters, still… What I would love to do is go for a hug and say: “How have you been?” Hoping to hear all of the ins and outs of everything that happened from September onwards.  I was speaking too much last time, and I want to compensate for it. There are a lot of things I want to know 🙂 . Another thing I can also say is: “I mentioned you on my blog again. This time with your first name.” And then try to make it lead to a conversation about law – since he has a bachelor in Law ayy 🙂 – because there are a lot of law related things to find over here. 

I’ve edited my privacy statements myself, for example 🙂 . Lil’s one says “I”, and D.O.C.I.S. International’s one says “we”, because I intended to speak for the whole network, hoping that the organization would have expanded by now, but basically it’s still only me, so that one I could also change to “I”. I think I’m going to do that, when I change the website into my Thesis proposal portfolio thingy. I’m raking a huge legal risk by saying “I” instead of we, in the statement. Also, I need my medical record fixed and my parents have left me for dead financially so often. I could use some free legal advice 😀 . But then I’ll be talking about myself again…

Haha is going more social. I’m loving my sudden impulse. I want a picture of us on heree ah meoww. Please be there 😀 . 

I’ll be wearing a purple woolen sweater that is laced up on the back and my black suit pants. Haven’t decided on shoes yet. Need to shower. With the typing, it’s now 14:17 haha have to hurry… Shit I need to do number two ah noo [my digestive system is tripping maahn]. Still need to fix those emoji codes before you’ll be able to see this text. 


15:16 (03:16 PM) 

Haha okayy at the last event I was wearing a black turtleneck dress, and this time I’m wearing something that will make me niet teveel opvallen, just like I intended last time haha:

Meoow… If I wouldn’t have felt sick as fuck, I might have worn something that says “I’m going to a borrel” more “haha”…

My Timberlands heels would have gone better with this, but since I’m running late, it’s better to wear running shoes hahahahaha. 

As I’m writing this, my train arrives. Haha I could have changed my shoes, because when I checked how late I should leave to be on time, Maps indicated I should have taken the metro of 15:11. I took the one of 15:16, but I forgot that I filled out my ETA as 16:50… 

Haha is it a lot less cold today, or is it just me? I’m melting haha… What would be the coolest is if I were to be able to fix a ride home, because of this fever, oh mann… x_x. Ahahaha or get one of the company’s rental cars. I don’t expect this haha. But as I usually say, wishing is not a crime 🙂 .

It’s now 15:30 and I’m in the train. I’m travelling second class, because my bank account is on minus – haha hey “I need some work” [in between brackets because there are bloggers who fucking fund their entire living with only blogging… Right? Not that I read any other blog than my own… My content is one of a kind… Yet still I haven’t earned more than SIX. DOLLARS. AND. TWENTY. CENTS. with this…] – and the journey is not even that long. 


15:46 (03:46 PM) 

As I’m in the train – fucking nervous by the way 🙁 – I’m making a new playlist. I’ve been listening to Tea Party for so long that it feels as if my life is stagnating haha. It is either way lol. 

Listen along, bitte 🙂 :

I listened to “Raincheck” very often when I was trapped in the psychiatric ward… Trippy flashbacks… I don’t know why I never filmed how my life was there [because cameras were veryyy forbidden there, but I also smoked weed there while I wasn’t allowed to]… I love the song’s vibe, instrumental and lyrics ♥

Because the moment of “Will this Graeyniss be here or not” is coming closer and closer, I don’t really know what to type. As in I want to be excited, but I don’t know if this will be the case. And then it’s not even 100% certain if I’d get a chance to speak to him. Haha meoow my Cuddle, I’m travelling for two hours just to see you. I could also just end up only creeping from a distance. That was last time, before I jugged a glass of rosé and just walked up to him while he was talking to other people. It doesn’t take long before I overheard the topic of conversation and just eavesdropped. Not long afterwards, the people from around my age left. The topic of conversation was university life. I dropped some terms like “eeuwige student” to want to sound a bit Graey haha. Verder weet ik eigenlijk helemaal niet uit welke tijd die term afkomstig is enzo haha.

Oh, by the way, while I was getting ready, I received an e-mail that said that the bag and wallet I ordered yesterday at – ik ben daar vaste klant – are delivered at the afhaalpunt. But I wouldn’t make it if I were to pick it up. Of course, it’s a borrel, so it wouldn’t be a crime to be late, but since I’m currently staying two hours away from there – from my parents’ place it’s one hour, lekker reizenn – it’s the most optimal to experience the whole event from beginning to end.


16:13 (04:13 PM) 

Haha in my focus on solely my phone and the time, I got out of the train when it stopped around 16:04, because it would arrive at the stop I need to be at around that time. But it was a stop too early. I had some time to pee in the meantime. Haha I share everything with you, because I don’t talk that often and yet still I have a lot to share, if you’re capable of understanding all of my contexts. My ETA is still 16:46 hahaa… Haha unusual Fangs showing up too early…. I’m hungry 😀 . I’ll have some time for a quick snack – ugh takeout – before my bus arrives, though. That will be in between 16:24 and 16:37. Let’s go out for dinner, my Graeyniss 😀 . 

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

Ugh it’s always a lot of artificially flavored things in snack shops. I’ve settled for this:



16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Ah meoow I’ve missed being here… Walking around in headquarters makes me feel like I’m on the right track. 

Haha palpitationssssssss

Mann my bladder is going insane. I need to go again x_x. 

Hehe I feel Cuddle, because the security guard who I recognized from the Summer season, said, when I arrived at the reception: “Jij bent zo belangrijk dat je twee keer op de lijst staat.”

Ah,  the pre-socializing starts… You know: “Hey, ben je hier ook voor de borrel?”

Toilet breakk I hope you’re not going to our borrel room without mee. I’ve left my jacket on that couchh alles kan me gestolen worden lol.  


17:18 (05:18 PM)

Haha after typing about the encounter so much, the amount of nerves made me creep.  I, later, saved up the courage, but I wasn’t even able to eavesdrop HAHAHAHAHA aahh why can I be soo awkwarddd. I did exchange a few words with him 🙂 . 


17:49 (05:49 PM) 

Why do Graeynissis always have busy schedules? 🙁 I want you all to myself ah meoww. 

Haha I start at my new function on Friday. All I need to do is send a copy of some official documents with my personal identification number on it haha. If I’d have had my passport here on the spot, I could have even started earlier. But PHV Fangs is a fact 🙂 . Now I have a reason to leave the house yaay. It’s two hours away from where I’m staying. Friday, my shift is 08:00 – 16:30….

Haha I don’t know what to think. Besides “haha but I’m the owner of D.O.C.I.S. International”… And I need a job ah meoow 🙁 . I’ll forever be stalking this Graeyniss until he’s my Graeyniss, unless he’s not my Graeyniss 🙁 .  

Other than that, I’m having a good time with last year’s familiar faces 🙂 .


19:50 (07:50 PM) 

I just entered the train. I’m feeling all right. I need to stop going beast mode on drinking occasions, though. 

Haha when this tall Graeyniss walked in, I started to become dizzy, thinking: “What should I say…?” Graeyniss energy always makes me say random shitt. I also slightly avoid eye contact, because speaking will become harder for me when I deeply look you in the eye, if I find you Cuddle… Especially if you blink so sexy ah meoow. 

I talked too much about myself again x_x. I wanted to try to make the conversation lead to asking if he needs a notulist or something. I should have just said that right away, but hearing no would break my heart. 

Haha I always automatically say: “I’m doing great 😀 ” when someone asks me how I’m doing. Haha famm I’m sad ill petty 🙁 . The back pains are increasing, but I’m still able to walk. I need a full body MRI like I requested that stupid Dutch company when I went to Germany, but they said some shit about my age and only checked my heart, lungs and brain. It feels like my kidneys are going to fall out of position x_x. But yeheess after working for a month, I’ll be able to afford doing shit with that same company again. 

But meoow if I start working there again on Friday, then my next target will be his lunch table :D. Haha The Fangs is very stalky when it comes to potential Graeynissis. I want friends I can level with hahahahaaa… I’m on so many paths at the same timeeee 

I hope I can work a full day on December 25th [because Christmas makes me depressed… I miss my grandfather meow 🙁 ] and I don’t want to be available for any festivities on New Year’s either. I promised the family I’m staying with that I’ll accompany them to Christmas dinner on December 26th. Other than that, I really don’t have anything to celebrate, so I’d rather be stacking… I’m still not in California 🙁 . 

But yess the function I have now suits me better. It’s still not the routinless challenge with a lot of paperwork I want, but now I’ll be on the hotline for medical assistance abroad. 

Haha holy Scheiß I’m so tireddd that if the Electric Wire Hustle wasn’t bumping through my earplugs (haha), I would fall asleep right here in the train. 

How am I going to do that tomorrow, with the travelling for two hours, while I also want to visit my cousin in the studio… If I go there in the morning, I’ll be able to do both 🙂 . This is all far beyond my physical capacity, since I’m sick as fuck – I clinged to those high tables, because I felt like collapsing x_x… My body feels like lying down 🙁 . But fuck thatt I want to get Cuddlees and do some productive things for my career as Lil Fangs. Even though I keep introducing myself as Dominique Elia in real life hahaha.


21:58 (09:58 PM) 

Haha meoow I should have asked if I could come along when this meow said that he had to go to another borrel to give a speech there as well. I’m waay better at being a social Cuddle when there’s no indirect time pressure. Please be my Graeyniss? 🙁

Being my Graeyniss means spending a lot of time with me 🙂 . Ahh I need to change around my business website again and make sure that it shows that I’m not a social movement. Movements don’t make real changes. I just want to seriously save this planet. Haha this could be put in motion if I were to [I’ll laugh about the informal use of names] be able to arrange a meeting [including serious conversation and doing something fun] with Vicje [haha meoow if I wanted to go for a hug, I should have done it right after he walked in, but I have a youth trauma from disturbing adults when they’re talking – people are always all over him, it seems – while I didn’t really have a good ground for disturbing, so I was waiting for I don’t even know what… So at some point – ah I just kept on drinking in the meantime 🙁 – I thought of “using the same strategy as last time”, but I couldn’t find any words to throw in the conversation that was going on, when I suddenly creeped up next to my meow, who was listening to someone talk, with someone else standing next to him as well. It didn’t feel like the right moment to say all of the things I wanted to say. Ik klapte gewoon helemaal dicht… My thoughts went like Now or never… Now or never… I put myself under some trippy pressure. That’s how much I love you my meoow. I also love you for starting the conversation 😀 ♥ . I always trip over my choice of words, because I want to sound very positive and professional ahaha… But my situation truly isn’t, at the moment…], my EUR Graeynissis, Rutte and Trump. And me 😀 . I have some strategies that involve you, about the environment, the economy and plans of evacuation… Ah meoww we should dine together and talk about it 🙂 .

Haha I’m going back to working something like 40 hours a week. I really need to be stacking for so many reasons, but health wise, I’m like Dwight in that one episode of The Office US [one of the few television shows I truly love to watch] where he has a torn pancreas, but he still wants to give a presentation HAHAHA 🙁 . Is er een bedrijfsarts? 🙁

I’ll be bed petting until I fall asleep and then probably go downstairs in the middle of the night to eat something. This time I won’t share it right away, if I go downstairs at night, because I spend too much time typing…

Good night, my Cuddle 😻

Love me? 🙁


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

00:19 (12:19 PM) 

I’ve added some more text to 180 Days of Fangs. Haha woww in between September 21 and today, I’ve gone to Germany three times… And now suddenly I’ve been staying in Amsterdam, since the last time I came back from Germany. Around September, I was still staying with “my parents”. Turbulence level over 9000…

Now I’m not hungry anymore 🙂


I’m going to do some stretching/yoga, by means of being nice to my spinal column [wervelkolom (NL), Wirbelsäule (DE)] after being so bed petty… By petty I don’t mean the urban dictionary word petty!! I don’t like the urban dictionary form of petty. I mean being cuddly like a pet 😀 . 


02:04 (AM) 

2018 has been quite a fucked up year [just like 2015 and 2017], but I must say that it comforts me, to see how much my diary has developed itself. I think my mind is reflected more clearly every day. (For me it’s easy to decipher an old article, but for someone who has no idea who I am, I didn’t elaborate on contextual info enough.) 

Here’s some contextual info about my life riiight now: I’ve moved in with some family friends after leaving Germany somewhere last week or something… I don’t remember the date, but I could scour my diary to see when it was, the way I do for 180 Days of Fangs. I went to Berlin after my parents kicked me out. There, my bag got stolen, including my passport and bank cards, so I was forced to go back to the Netherlands, since, for medical assistance – one of the main reasons for choosing Germany – I need a passport. Also, my location of temporary residence there at some point was eating at me so much, that I decided to search for another place to stay. 

Now my mother says that “my father” “always says things he doesn’t mean when he’s mad and that I should come back home”, but I am so done with that, because he has the stupidest reasons for kicking me out. He could just do it again right after I move back in. It’s not the first time he does this. I prefer consistency in having a place to stay. Also, I live for having my own very large house in which I can practice all of my favorite hobbies, so I’m not at all enthusiastic about living with “my parents”. 

I say “my parents”, because I find that a true parent is a loving and supportive person and these people just force me to live the life they want to see me live. Also, I’m not certain if the man whose last name I carry is my biological father. Our characters are completely the opposite and my skin tone is far lighter than his (and my mother’s). 

What I’m trying to work towards, to turn my business into the non-profit construction I want it to end up in, is to find Graeynissis who would like to be my checking guide, when I write a thesis that includes all of the aspects I want my business to cover. 

The SBI codes my business is currently registered under have nothing to do with what I’m working towards. The person registering it said that for registration they only want to know what’s profitable right now and not what I’m working towards, for revenue tax reasons. 

When the thesis is done and acknowledged by professionals, I’ll be able to put my shift to the system into practice [being subjected to it is a choice] and have some guided experience in it already, to guarantee itself of its success. The acknowledgement will give me the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. Once I have it, I can give it to others. I made up the title…

By Graeynissis I mean those who enjoy mental challenges, who would like to work with me on creating a new – but parallel, because the freedom of choice is very important – world. Entering it does still include a challenging application process, because keeping the standard of life high is very important in this parallel system. Life there is more in balance with nature and thus technology will be used in a very different way. A citizen should be prepared for that, so that’s why everyone who enters needs to have completed the (Nosce Te Ipsum) “self-test”. 

Soo I guess today I’ll continue to work on that proposal of my thesis. But how can I incentivize you to say something to me?  🙁 I mean I’m making it for you – in my head, the idea is already beyond complete, so for me, personally, there’s no need to write it down – so that you can oversee the project, too. 

We should then somehow arrange a meeting to discuss how we could tackle the project time-wise. Since you have your lifetime contract at your employer and you need to spend time with your family and stuff… This is my non-paying job [my intention is to still end up being able to buy a house with this], I don’t have children and with most relatives I don’t really have anything to talk about, especially because they mostly talk shit and think I’m a schizophrenic… 

We also need to talk initial funds, since I do not only want to steal you from your lover… I also want to steal you from your employer and give you a much more satisfying salary 🙂 . 

I would love to give you a similar form of freedom, but then drama free, in the way you spend your time, without making you look like the way people look at me. If I would be seen with you and we would put out this plan, which is the most revolutionary concept ever, hands down, people won’t look at me like that anymore for sure and you’ll be as free as you were when you didn’t have the unwanted obligations you have today. 

Cuddle me? 😀 

I’m going to sleep (03:28 (AM)). Forever bed petty hahaha

I love you ♥


11:37 (AM) 

Good morning 🙂 

I just got off the phone with my cousin. We’ll be chilling on Thursday and in the meantime he’ll send me some references about learning about music production in Ableton 🙂 . He also advised me to add a donation button to this website. Haha “Help Lil Fangs de winter door” is going to become reallll. Just kidding haha, the cause will be more serious than that…. I need to cover my health expenses for abroad and I want to show you all of my talents. I can also give speeches, sing, verse, dance, play basketball, be a leader, be very fast when sprinting, strategize and think along on an operational level, in the context of making positive and practical changes to the system 😀  

If I’d really want to do these things, I need to spend a lot less time cooking, but my body needs so much food to function – especially during the colder seasons – and I want to eat healthy, especially with my current health conditions, so I’d need to hire someone else to cook for me. Eating healthy is expensive, though. I currently can’t afford it… Here’s my breakfast:

I feel like I’m emptying the fridge haha 🙁

On the one hand, I feel like getting some more sleep. But at the same time, I want to work on my proposal, work on my websites, get some more exercise and buy more fruit and vegetables…

When it comes to my expenses for this blog, you should know that, because I do everything myself, it doesn’t cost me that much. I pay €36 per three months for webhosting. That’s it. I configured the domains and websites myself, including installing WordPress and its themes. The website layout themes I bought, fixed one time only costs, were about €100 in total for both and Docis.International. It’s only expensive to have websites, when you have entire teams for web maintenance, typography and marketing and shit behind it. Because I’m multi-talented, for that, I don’t need a team. I need a team to operate on a beyond government level…  Join me bitte ♥.

To attract more people to my website, I’ve spent some money on online advertising and buying likes and followers. The buying likes and followers was to indicate that other people view this website, too… I’m only not that much of a social media person myself anymore. Besides blogging here… So my social media accounts are kind of messy… I don’t really like them, because there’s not much freedom in the way you can share your content, there. But on marketing and everything for that, I’ve spent about €600 in total… I used my ANWB salary and study financing for it.

I’m, by the way, thinking of changing the website’s theme. I bought a new theme, a while back, because I intended to change my alias to Daniëlle Lucy, and I bought a new domain name and theme for it. But I think I’m more a fangy type of person, really, so I’m staying The Fangs :D. Lil Fangs… I have such nice costume ideas for this persona 🙂 .

I would rather change my real name, if it turns out that I’m not the daughter of mister Elia [I HOPE], but of mister Crutzen [I HOPE 😻 ], to Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen 🙂 . (If that’s true, then what am I requesting a new Elia passport for?) But how can I ever get personal clarity on this if probably everyone already knows yet, but they’re anti finding your father so sexy that you want to lake him, because he hasn’t fulfilled the role of a father in my life – I don’t know why I even suddenly think that he’s my father, it’s just a gut feeling… or schizophrenia hahaha :'( – but more that of a very short term mentor. And that while I rarely want to take people’s advice. “Rarely” because often people give me advice in one-liners, while they don’t even know what I’m working towards and it doesn’t fit the spectrum of anything you have ever seen yet. I want to reopen the discussion about my B and I, but if no one is backing me up, while I start this, just like last time, this can get me locked into a mental institution and I NEVEEEEEEEEER want to experience something like that again. Meow 🙁 .

[Seriously, what type of judgment did they give for our situation in that viral lie campaign? I didn’t have sex with him… 🙁 The pressure they put me under during the multiple hours of police interrogation just made me say crazy things… We just became friends and my parents didn’t allow me to see him, so when the police suddenly started to ask me questions about him, I hoped that they would lead me to him, so I just wanted to make it seem like we were close. And even if the having sex were true, that shouldn’t be seen as a crime if both parties want it. It wasn’t true, though. I didn’t want to tell them that I was trying to commit suicide, because they would get me an IBS and lock me into a mental institution… I still ended up there, but without an IBS. They have still treated me as if I had one, which is against the law, but everyone is looking away from this and just watches me struggle, like an animal in a cage 🙁 . You have no idea what you’ve been involved in and how much I’ve been left in the dark about all of this… It can be so that I believe the parental lie they’ve been telling me all my life. People started to tell me about what happened during the campaign, in October 2017, while it happened in like June/July 2017… I never intended to cause so much shit… I just wanted to escape the oppressive regime of “my parents”, just like I do today. Just like I’ve been doing for quite some parts in my life, but they won’t tell you that side of the story. Simultaneously, I’m still not heard, while I have right to be heard, too, no matter how fucking heartless I seemed in that campaign. THAT IS NOT EVEN ME, DAMMIT 🙁 . Now I’ve become this PTSSy bed cat 🙁 .]

It’s 12:32 (PM) and I still haven’t finished my pie, because I actually do not have a sweet tooth at all. Especially not when the food is not hand made, but made by a machine. But I need to eat something and eating not the same things in a row is very important to me. Truthfully, I don’t really have sugary eating habits. I drink my tea without sugar…

Ah meoow I don’t know how to respond to my mother’s text message about going Christmas shopping on Saturday. I don’t want to talk about this situation I’m in and the sadness in her words always makes me even more depressed… And then I’m going to try to lift her up, while she still thinks that I’m fucking insane, and then she ends up hurting me when her level of confidence is up, elaborately describing how I have nothing and fully depend on her and this fucking vlerk wiens achternaam ik heb. It has been going the same way every time for months now. I really don’t feel like small talk. I really prefer to stay away from those who can have such a negative influence on my emotions.

I guess I’ll take a shower, head over to the toko [I so love living close to a toko 😀 ], because I want to eat a serious amount of green vegetables today, and start to work on my websites and the rest of the proposal.

Tot later xxx


16:46 (04:46 PM) 

In the meantime, I’ve gone grocery shopping, made the veggies and thrown a semi-formal fit at the Dutch embassy in Berlin. I’m still in the process of getting my new passport – with such an ugly picture 🙁 – sent to the Netherlands. 

Prepping… I’m using garter, bitter melon, salted beef and solanum macrocarpon. Featuring some unions, tomatoes and madame jeanette peppers

The salted beef was boiled in water first, to make it less salty

It decreases in size a little, because of the heat

The madame jeanette peppers is there for a taste accent

Haha for people without PTSS/heart complaints, this might be a definition of the urban dictionary form of “petty”:

My heart is going on palpitations level over 9000… Somewhere last week I asked the embassy how I could get the Dutch passport I ordered in Germany, after my previous one was stolen, to the Netherlands, since I travelled back to the Netherlands in the meantime. 

Look at this…. I’m so annoyed. I needed to mail them back a filled out attachment file with my signature, but they forgot to send me the file I was supposed to sign. Now that is not the reason why I’m pissed. It’s the fucking ignorant way this person corresponds with me. Evidence that I’m right about not receiving the attachments will follow. 

So the first mail included instructions and in it, and there was spoken about signing a disclaimer and another file, but there was no file to be found, so I thought that maybe I was supposed to receive a letter at home or go to the town hall or something. It wasn’t clear to me yet that she had forgotten the attachment file. So I replied this:

E-mail me? 😀

Above is the reply to my mail. I’ll translate my own first, since that is the order of things:

Dear reader, 

In case my passport is shipped internationally, will the destination then be the town hall, or my home address?

Will I receive the UPS form when I receive the passport, or is it supposed to be an attachment?

And is it about the disclaimer at the bottom of the e-mail, or is there another disclaimer? I assume it’s about liability during the shipping process… 

Kind regards,

D. D. Elia

I receive back:

Good morning, 

The passport will be sent to the address you give up on the UPS form, usually this is the home address. Both forms

you have received as a attachment, and both have to be filled out and signed. (and sent back) 

Kind regards

There was no name underneath it, but I would not have hired this person oh my god. 

The translation follows

I say: 


None of the mails sent to me includes an attachment. Could these still be sent to me? 

Thanks in advance

Kind regards,

Dominique Elia


Good morning, 

This email was sent to you on the fourteenth including the attachments as attachment. 

Kind regards, 

The agency I was corresponding with. 

AND THEN SHE COPY-PASTES THE SAME MAIL WITHOUT THE ATTACHMENT FILE. WHAT THE FUCK? JUST SEND THE FUCKING FILE AGAIN RIGHT AWAY??? That’s what I would have done… Oh my god even serieeeus het is echt een kleine moeite om een bestand nog een keer te sturen. I would say: “Mijn oprechte excuses voor het vergeten van de bijlage. Bij deze verzend ik ze naar u.”/”My sincere apologies for my forgetfulness. Here are the attachment files:” Boom. Fucking problem solved. Maar neee waarom moeilijk doen x_x. 

That I get pissed off by things like this is the reason why the proletarian work floor is not for me. So with shaking hands and crazy palpitations, I reply:

Because of the palpitations, I couldn’t not he so indirectly pissed


Of course I’m capable of reading and know that that mail was sent to me. The mail includes instructions for the attachment, but not the attachment itself. A mail with an attachment, you can recognize by the paperclip logo that comes with the mail, which indicates the attachment. 

What I’m trying to make clear, is that your colleague very neatly typed out the instructions, but forgot to include the attachment file. In previous mails, the attachment was mentioned, but it wasn’t included. Could this then still be sent to me? You, too, can see that the previous mails don’t include attachments, right? 

“Skip the whole thing if it’s too much effort” is (unfortunately) not something I can say, since not having a passport is punishable and the Dutch nationality is the only nationality I have. 

Again, thanks in advance for sending me the attachment file. Please cooperate, because things like this give me palpitations. 

Cordial greetings [HAHAHA]

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

That is: “PLEASE JUST SEND THOSE FUCKING ATTACHMENT FILES,” in semi-formal. (Very semi…)

Because of people like this, I want a very serious recruitment process for my company…

Dear miss Elia, 

No idea if attachments are always only visible with [I meant by and not with…] a paperclip, I think that depends on the type of mail program you use and the settings of the computer regarding to receiving emails [THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. DO NOT QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE AAAAAAHHHHH. And look at how this plebian incorrectly formalizes her Dutch…]. The emails are in PDF format and are thus also very often as an icon in the text all the way down the trail of mails. 

I am very certain that I’ve sent it three times with attachment. 

The attachments are named [what the fuck does it matter what they are named IF THEY WERE NOT INCLUDED, OH MY GOD]

Attachment 4 – disclaimer local mail [it’s not even local…]


So if the attachments are not received, then unfortunately I won’t be able to do anything else [If I were her, I wouldn’t have gone immediate ragdoll mid-process, man, wtf…] They really included all… 

And then there’s some more text about “how she can’t help me if I can’t see the attachment”, but in this fucking ugh mail she did include the attachment, like I asked three times. The other mails really don’t include it, OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING ASKEDDD OH MY GODDD Look:



Now the issue is that I do fucking nottt agree with the disclaimer. It says that if UPS fucks up my shipping I will have to pay €160 again for a new passport and renewed shipping. I think that if UPS fucks up, they should be held responsible for it? 

I want a different nationality 🙁 . 

Please forget that I ever said that I think that Benoît is my father. My mother wants to chill with me, and I would feel like a total asshole for saying no. Mid-texting about this, I finally found the courage to ask her: “Are you still in touch with Benoît? I have no idea what I’m saying.” And she said “No, I’ve never spoken to him.” Then I said: “Yess [As in “Oh, okay” [haha shit :'( ]] it was worth the shot. I think I look more like him than I look like “papa”. [Clarifying why I asked the question.]” 

So what should I do now that I don’t agree with the disclaimer? Planet Fang will for sure not have dumb shit like this.

Also, I have the beginning stage of the same killer back pains I had last year, when I was hospitalized. At first, I was in a general hospital, on the antibiotics drip, but when I kept screaming out of pain, and “there was nothing else they could do for me there”, they transferred me to the first out of two psychiatric hospitals I’ve been to.

Meanwhile, it’s 19:28 (07:28 PM) and dinner was amazing. I made the vegetables and the female family friend who is co-house owner, who I call my aunt, with whom I’m staying [and her son and partner], made the rice and chicken.

I feel so feverish… My temperature is high and the pain near my kidneys is increasing. But I’m in desperate need of talking to my ANWB Graeyniss. I need an income and an occupation. But a cognitive challenge as an occupation, instead of a verbal challenge and occupation. As in that I don’t want to go back to the floor and the hotline. I prefer to work at a place in the company that’s less busy with employees who walk to each other’s desks to gossip and who try do to at least as possible. 

Haha oh boyy it would be fucked up if he weren’t there… I suck at small talk. I don’t even like it. I love Graeyniss talk 😻 .


20:42 (08:42 PM)  

Ah meoow I can’t go to the Netherlands for this intense pain that will soon influence my ability to walk. I’m too afraid that the Dutch doctor I would end up with, would blindly follow the “EPD” [the Elektronisch Patiëntendossier is a database with all medical information of all Dutch patients. Proletarians think that it doesn’t exist, because they worry about their privacy, but it does exist. Even Wikipedia knows…]. All acknowledged (non-alternative) doctors have access to it. 

What has happened to me too often is that they don’t listen to what I say about how I feel, but they just check what the previous doctor has said. And now that doctor A has written down in my EPD “that I’m a schizophrenic”, doctor B views my EPD while I empty out my heart and thinks: Oh my god, she was so silent when she walked in, and when I asked her what’s up she suddenly started to talk so much… Too much effort… Oh what does this say? Oh, schizophrenia. Oh, yes, that must be the case, if you talk so much and it all doesn’t make sense to me [because I am not even listening to how the schizophrenic is actually explaining how she might have a deadly illness], it must just be a relapse of schizophrenia. And tells me: “Yeah my examination is already finished. I’ll prescribe you a higher dosage of antipsychotics.”

I need doctor House, fam 🙁 . And a house, man… Please save me, my Graeyniss 😾 .

The headache, high temperature and back pains are killing me, but I want my business concept to be cleaar ah meoow I gave myself an indirect deadline x_x. Haha the last time I tried to pitch my full business concept, I flopped, because I spent too much time explaining the relationship between the Nosce Te Ipsum series and the recruitment and further development of D.O.C.I.S. International. Or even only the Nosce Te Ipsum series. I shouldn’t have elaborated on the story concept so much… I seemed like too much of an author, while I was trying to say: “I’m trying to be like you. Having a leading function in a multi-component business. Please love me and take me under your wing 😻 ” in a non-sexual way 😀 . Even though I was being so awkward that I was standing sooo close to him, that there was barely space for me to talk with my hands, the way I do when I’m trying to be Graey, so at some point it was like I was pointing at my boobs, while I was trying to say “one or the other” with my hands, not talkint about them [the “one or the other” related to a question from the book. He asked for an example question from the series, and I said: “Do you believe the Universe was created by an invisible person, or by an invisible force?” Because of the cramped space in between us [cramped, but it felt very comfortable to me 🙂 ] I put the backs of the palms of my hands against each other and moved my arms from left to right, indicating “one or the other”… Haha oops… I should have asked what his answer to the question was, but I thought: Large concept, not enough time… The event will end soon… Need to become friends forever… Need… Graeyniss… I want to explain how there’s a similar endeavor in our business plans and how we could work together. And how by being my Graeyniss will really lead to us making the best changes to the system ever. You won’t regret it ♥ While I continued to ramble about the story concept… Too many details… Ah I’m sorry my Graeyniss 🙁 ] There was a camera crew and I spotted them making pictures of us… I wonder if they can be found somewhere… I want to make better pictured 😀 . He’s so photogenic 🙂 .

Meoow I hope I’ll get a chance to explain it this time. It would be easier if my business website were to showcase all business aspects I want to bring to life with my Nosce Te Ipsum thesis. But I feel so fucking shitty… This headache is killing me. Also, I’m more interested in if the company has evacuation plans for the country and otherwise, if he needs a strategist 😀 . Or maybe even if the company truly even has any responsibilities in it…

Aah headache… Screen staring is not good… But I like telling you things 😀 . I wish I could tell you this in a cuddle… Especially in this cold weather 😻 .

Fingers crossed on my unofficial Graeyniss being there tomorrow… Noo if you’d ask me in person, I wouldn’t call him my Graeyniss. So many people want to have him as their Graeyniss, he can’t publicly choose a side without breaking hearts. Ah, my heart 🙁 [Cuddle me? 😀 I’m just an innocent little homeless and moneyless cat 🙁 ]

Also, fingers crossed on this fever and back pains not becoming worse tomorrow… I’m going… No matter what… Fingers crossed I won’t collapse 😀 . Haha I hope bad luck Fangs will not not see this Graeyniss… I’d become more sad internally, if that were to happen. I’d also become fucking desperate ahahaha…..

I’d love to talk to you some more, but staring into light makes my headache worse and so does venting sometimes…

So I’ll be quickly washing my wig, because I want to look Cuddle tomorrow, and then I’m going to bed 😀

On the B not being my father thing [Oh, HAHA… Awkward…], I was basically saying that I love him so much, that the ways in which I feel love for him wouldn’t change if it would suddenly turn out that he’s my father.

I’m such a hopeless romantic… People always think I only want sex… Noo keep your sucky rhythm weak conversation ass away from me, then… [I always get hit on by people I don’t find attractive, and I let them do their thing, while the people I find attractive always don’t seem in to me 🙁 . My ex boyfriend excluded. I want to never have one night stands anymore… But I suck at saying “No”, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to it 🙁 .]

It’s now 22:51 (10:51 PM). I’m sitting at the dinner table and just closed my laptop, which I used to scan in those stupid filled out attachment files for the embassy. [When I’m offline here, I’ll still be using my phone to send that to them. If UPS fucks up the sending, I’ll just live without a passport. Fuck it 😀 ] The news is on and as usual I hear a lot of proletarians complain about the prime minister of the Netherlands. If he were that fucked up, then why the fuck did he get elected twice? Echt hou je bek en begin je eigen partij als je wat over hem persoonlijk te zeiken hebt. I don’t know him personally and I tend to stay away from news about politics, because it gives me palpitations, but I’m so against proletarians blaming political individuals for “everything going wrong”. There are thousands of people who are behind the strategies that are put into practice [want to save up? Fuck all of those robots. You could let it be done by just one person… The Fangs 😎 ], so you can’t just hate the representative of the group. The same goes for people hating on president Trump…

In the show [it’s on SBS6… No idea what the name of the show was. Know that I basically never switch on the TV, but I can’t not focus on it, when it’s on… So many shallow statements being blurted out 24/7 oh my god… There are things to talk about that are fucking far more important. Like how this system is going to collapse if we don’t fucking do something oh my godd wtfff] he just mentioned that he’s open to civilian initiatives. Where do I sign up for free? May I be paid for it? Mag ik ook een kantoortje? Kom chillen…? 😀 Be my Graeyniss? ♥ I recruit useful people. I find him attractive looking, by the way.

Meoow headache 🙁

My love ♥,

Sweet dreams 😻


Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

180 Days of Fangs

There’s a crucial difference between writing general self reflection and writing an online diary post, to me. It’s in the concept of time. In an online diary post, I reflect the emotions I feel – still not in the peaceful state I want them to be in – to the way I experience time as I’m writing that exact post, by means of showing a(n alternative) contemporary life – it might be interesting to reflect back on it in 10 years and see how much life has changed, hopefully with D.O.C.I.S. International – and of preserving my long and short term memory.

Why 180 days, in the title? Because I have 180 days of diary posts, today.

I started this blog after I released the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in April. [This episode can now be read in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I.] Then, I was still under relatively intense surveillance [it was worse before I started the blog] from the people from the psychiatric industry. “My parents” and them are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic.

It all started when in an answer to a question about my whereabouts, I said that doctor B.S.Y. Crutzen is a friend of mine, with whom I talk about my business plans. And that he is interested in working together with me, and that he will be my escape from my parents’ house.

How this led to me being falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia, is broken down in detail in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in which I extensively describe why this is a limitation to my freedom in doing business and how, only if other people were to join me in my endeavor, I could bypass this. The book has no sales.

The dumbest part of their diagnosis, is that the research hospital has drawn its conclusion, of doctor Crutzen being only a voice in my head, without actually involving him in the research process. They should have invited me and him over to a session, and hear from him “That he doesn’t even know me”, because according to them, a drop out can’t be friends with a professor. They refused to involve him in the research process. I miss him 🙁 . They know that.

By clearly running away from them [four times…], I’ve been able to distance myself from them,  but not from the final legal say they have over me, due to their false diagnosis. This stressful absurdity resurfaces in my posts almost daily, because it has changed my view on life so much, in a negative way.

Because I want to emigrate to the United States, since I need to live somewhere, while my corporate state isn’t there yet [and I love the warm weather, the rate between available space and people [as an individual, you have much more space to live, there, for a lot less money, compared to the Netherlands] and the creative strategy of the Republican government… Plus, I’ve taught myself American English – while I’ve been taught British English by my grandmother and in school – and I consider the US the heart of global publicity, so since I want to go global, it really seems like the place to be, for me…], I want my files to show the truth about me.

The parties with authority over me and I are not on the same page. They’re the ones who are authorized to edit my medical record, but they have a completely different opinion about me. It’s a very negative one, I don’t agree with. They’re not open to let me revise it. They don’t even want to show me what they’ve exactly written down in it. All I’ve seen is a collection of summaries, of which the pessimistic view has shocked me. I think this has added to my post traumatic stress…

I’m not saying that I’m fully healthy, since I just mentioned the PTSS and from the white blood cells in the infection that is currently still visible in my urine, even after antibiotics from Germany, I might have a serious physical illness. [My Dutch physician finds me incompetent and because of that she refused to refer me to a hospital, so I was bound to searching for help abroad.] I’m just saying that the diagnosis schizophrenia is fucking bullshit.

The only other way for me to achieve this correction of my record – I consider it clearing my name – is if my supporters were to stand up for me. I find it very important that my files show the truth about me, because I want D.O.C.I.S. International to be a multinational business and work together with powerful individuals.

Simultaneously, I’m trying to get this business off the ground, be able to afford a home and pay back my study loan, but since no one is paying for my work – solely looking at what I publish for free – I’m forced to go back to working for a boss again [ :'( ], unless things were to finally change in my favor.

For those who just have tuned in to my life, the amount of text here might be quite intimidating, and that’s not my intention! So I hope that this article will make things clear for you.

I also hope it will lead to the shift I’m trying to cause. The shift in which I’m finally able to live a happy life and put my concept of a new, better and legal parallel system into practice. True sustainability is the most important aspect of that system. It’s parallel, because I believe an individual should be able to choose in what type of system he or she lives, instead of suddenly being forced to go to school and work and have loans, et cetera, in the end just to serve your basic needs. I did not sign up for that life…

The Diary’s Timeline 

April 17: This is the day I wrote my first diary post. I mentioned that after being done with working on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, I would have time to be blogging and not worry about anything else. I just released the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. But I mentioned that – not having to worry – because I expected my book to sell. It didn’t. This was before I unpublished the episode. Throughout my posts, you might notice how much this increases to eat at me. Another reason for frustration was that I was under surveillance – as in that I slept at my parents house [and from time to time I stayed with a grandmother for a week or so, when staying at my parents’room house drove me too crazy] and I had to see a “government therapist” every week, while I don’t agree with their diagnosis and treatment. On April 23 I had one of those mandatory sessions.

April 17 – April 24 were written in the Netherlands. At some point, I received a phone call about that I had to do another blood test to show that I was taking the antipsychotics. I thought it was a one time thing. I passed the first one by taking an overdose, but I didn’t want to do that again. Plus, my values must have been higher by then, so I wouldn’t pass it anyway. Even in the hospital, I wasn’t taking the medication for most of the time. I lied about it, which is why I got out at some point. But I risked getting a warrant for not taking the medicine, so my intention was to leave the country and seek for a solution. I didn’t take the blood test.

April 25 – April 27 were written in France. It was my first time “away from the psychiatric industry featuring my parents”, since April 2017! (April 2017, because that was when I came in touch with that industry for the first time…)

April 27 I was on my way back from France to the Netherlands. I, there,  wrote my diary update on paper, while I was in the train. The pictures of the text were taken in the plane to Surinam I was on, the next day. That’s why you see the scenery of an economy class plane – so the April 28 scenery – with the text I wrote on the 27th.

April 28 – May 19 were written on the way to, from and in Surinam, where I was on a holiday with my family. On May 6 the whole situation with them treating me “like I’m a schizophrenic” was frustrating me so much, that I decided to plan a one-way escape to the US. Another reason was the blood test I didn’t take. From that date onward, the plan developed itself. Here’s the video I was recording when I got the idea, in case you’re interested in watching it: [I don’t consider this a video of good quality. If I were to have a budget, my videos would be a lot better.]

In Surinam, I released some music, recorded in my bedroom there. The audio was recorded with my phone and I made the beat with the little MIDI keyboard I bought in Paris.

On the last night there, I met someone in a club. He was the first and only person who bought the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. I unpublished it in June, when I was applying for jobs, because I thought that it might cause the employer to refuse me as a potential employee.

May 20 – May 22 were written in the Netherlands. I had to travel back there first, because the ticket to Surinam was booked far in advance and I actually wasn’t allowed to travel to the US, because the parties with authority over me found it too far from home, and thus too dangerous “for a schizophrenic”. It was my intention to show that I don’t need their supervision – it drives me crazy – and an attempt to get Project Nosce Te Ipum off the ground, there. I hoped to be able to start a new life. [Very unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.]

May 23 – June 8 were written in the United States. Until May 26, I was in Baltimore. When I came there, all I had were my ESTA, a reservation for three nights at the Red Roof (more I couldn’t afford when I was secretly booking), my most valuable belongings and about €900 to spend until the end of June. The money was study financing, because I’m a student at The Open University in Milton Keynes. (It’s a university specialized in distance learning, so I’m free to travel, basically whenever I want to and can afford it.)

The emotional aspect of my departure – “my father” sent me such a cold hearted text message, when he found out that I left and my mother made me feel so guilty for leaving – made me want to be alone. It was my intention to promote my book and otherwise search for a job, but that and the financial stress kept me from engaging in social interactions, because I did not want to speak about my life, but it’s almost inevitable, when you meet someone new.

As my three day stay came to an end, I was certain that with my budget, I wasn’t going to be able to keep affording a roof above my head. I accepted the chance of ending up homeless and decided to try to give myself a good time, with the money I had. I decided to go to Miami, because last minute tickets to Los Angeles were too expensive, with the intention of being able to go to the beach. (It was my second time in Miami, but I still haven’t gone to the beach there.)

I chose to stay in hotels instead of hostels, because I carried a lot of emotionally valuable luggage with me – in my suitcase with a broken back wheel – and the sadness made me want to lay in bed, all alone, for most parts of the day. At some point, this caused me to not be able to afford a proper meal. One day, I was only able to eat a Burger King deal of $1.50 or something, for 10 spicy popcorn nuggets.

While I was going through all of this, I never blocked and/or deleted “my parents” on my phone, so they could still reach me. I ignored the hateful message of “my father”, but I couldn’t not respond to my mother’s sad text messages.

At some point, she offered to send me money, so that I had an alternative to being homeless. I refused it, in the beginning, because I can’t stand the way “my parents” always tell me that I cost them too much. By means of saving myself, within 24 hours, I wrote a second episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I and released it. Again, it had no sales at all. Here’s the explanation video I had made for it, within that same period of time: 

I decided to go in to my mother’s financial offer. She asked me what I wanted. I told her a one way to California and one month of rent, for an apartment, with the intention of working as a Dutch translator somewhere there. She didn’t want to give me that. She extended my stay at Extended Stay for a night and bought me a one-way back to the Netherlands.

To make sure that those people from the psychiatric industry didn’t fully claim my agenda again, I started to look for a full-time job, even before I went back to the Netherlands. In my last hours in The States, I also made an appointment to officially register Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International as an official sole proprietor business, even though I hadn’t sold anything yet. It was because I didn’t want to set aside my business endeavor, when I worked 40 hours a week, and end up being someone saying: “I had plans of starting my own business, but now we’re 30 years further and I still work here…”

I told my mother, I didn’t want to see “my father”, so at first, she booked us a hotel room in Utrecht from June 9 until June 11. There we were going to see “what feels right”, when it comes to staying somewhere, so if I was going to go home or do something else. She said that if I were to rent an apartment – social housing, for people with a lower income – that she would pay part of the first month of rent for me.

So after we stayed in Utrecht, because I wanted to be able to cook myself, she booked me the cheapest hotel-apartment available. It was in Bad Boekelo, in a resort. I was there from June 11 until something like June 23. I absolutely loved the short experience of having my own apartment. The area was amazing, too. Very quiet, with a lot of nature.

On June 14, I was invited to a house visitation. The social housing system works with a random selection by a computer. I was 6th on the list and “unfortunately”, someone who was higher on the list showed up at the visitation, too, and took the house. It felt like losing. I was so fed up by it, that I didn’t even go in to it on my blog. I hadn’t been invited to a house visitation ever since. Now, I’ve stopped trying, since I don’t even want to live in a social housing project. I want to live in California. And I actually have a very expensive taste….

In the rest of my time in that apartment, I worked on my assignments for The Open University and I was working on some free content for this blog. And an app for it, too, but when I started to work 40 hours a week, I ended up not making the app.

When I had to check out of the apartment, I moved in with one of my grandmothers. On June 25, I officially registered Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International.

On June 26, I had a job interview at Young Capital, a recruitment agency, to see if I qualified for a job at the ANWB.

On June 28, I had a job interview at the ANWB itself. But somehow, I wasn’t able to find my public transportation card and I didn’t have money to buy a new one. It was still quite a while before the interview, so I decided to cycle from Rotterdam, Delfshaven to the ANWB headquarters in Den Haag. It was one hour and 24 minutes from door to door.

I called the recruiter to say that I was going to be a little later. My ETA was 8 minutes after the group interview was about to start, but my soft tyres and tripping phone compass made me be later. When I was 20 minutes away, I received a phone call from one of the co-recruiters, who asked if I could come the next day, because I had missed the introduction round.

My videos are rarely watched, so I’m not incentivized to upload them, but here’s some evidence of me cycling there. (The dress code was informal, so that’s why I was dressed like that.)

In one of the videos I say: “I’ll get the job, for sure.” And I got it 🙂

June 30, I worked at Concert at Sea for a day. My job was to sell bus tickets from the festival to the camping.

All geared up…

After working [from 7 the morning until like 7 in the evening] in the burning hot sun all day, I went to the coffeeshop near my grandmother’s house. I met someone there, who took me to a house party. When something happened there – I’m a total noob when it comes to illegal activities, so I didn’t get what was going on – and we all had to dash away, that person was holding my bag – I practice an intense form of trust – with my phone, my keys, my passport, my driver’s license, the author’s copy of the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which is now unpublished, the book of a friend of mine and the notebook I bought in France. I took so many things with me, because I considered running away again.

After dashing away and being without my phone and keys around midnight, I followed someone else who was at that party, to his home and stayed with him until my first day of work at the ANWB. It was a form of escaping things…

The vacancy I applied for, at the ANWB, was for processing holiday insurance claims related to transportation. The hotline side of it. It was a Summer function. I worked there from July 2 until September 2. It was quite stressful and a huge challenge for my temper. Nevertheless, I’ve been a very loyal employee. I’ve only missed one day of work and the amount of cases I’ve processed was far beyond the average.

Because of my occupation and work hours, I could go back to living with “my parents” without them complaining about that I don’t have a job and that I’m at home too much. I often worked on the weekends. The shift hours varied between 8 AM – 04:30 PM and 01:30 PM – 10 PM. The late shift was my favorite, because I had more time to sleep and it was easier for me to not get caught when I got high after work every day.

During my time there, I also had assignment deadlines from The Open University. My year started in January, so my break is from September until January. Not long after my contract ending at the ANWB, I had my final assessments of the curriculum. For Statistics, the assignments could be done at home. For Mathematics, I had to make an exam in a conference room at a hotel in The Hague on September 21. By means of being able to fully concentrate while studying, I checked in on the 20th and checked out on the 22nd. I passed Statistics with 58% and Mathematics with 70%.

In between then and now, a lot has happend. To summarize it all – because reflecting on this all makes me so sad, I prefer to keep it as short as possible – I’ve been kicked out a few times. Because the natural circumstances in the Netherlands cause fear with me, and I’m usually not allowed to travel long distances, I took this opportunity and went to Germany [which was what my budget allowed. Of course, I would have gone to California if I could], among other reasons.

I took that opportunity to continue the medical research, which I did on October 11, I believe. I’m bound to seeking medical assistance abroad, because my Dutch phycisian (P. Khajehi) solely believes that I’m mentally insane and thus does not take my medical complaints seriously.

In Germany, at some point my bag was stolen, in which were my bank cards, my passport, my external hard drives, my grey notebook, my earrings, my copy of Letters from a Stoic and other valuables. I was bound to going home, because working there became impossible. Now, I’m staying with family friends in Amsterdam.

On December 23, I got the idea to attempt to accomplish my endeavor via politics, instead of via independent business, because I don’t have a lot of money, and it could be accomplished faster via politics. This plan is now in development. You can follow the process in my online diary, as well as a lot of other things.

Because I aspire a career on the highest level humanly possible, I want my records to resemble the real me. Currently, that is not the case.

Here’s a quick impression of the current state of my medical record [but I my nationality is Dutch, so that’s unfortunately “what counts” in most of my life].

We weren’t done with all of the research yet. The Harnwegsinfection includes white blood cells and keeps returning, even after antibiotics.

They also gave me haldol, fluanxol, abilify, quetiapine, lorazepam and the list goes on

They did not follow the law. I find the existence of the psychiatric law something very scary. I didn’t know about its existence, until I was suddenly stuck in the middle of it.

I’m not dumb and vague. They’re just not able to understand my level of intelligence.

I don’t agree with any of the shit that is in my medical record, to this day. Except the findings from Germany, but that’s not in my Dutch medical record.

I haven’t said all I want to say, in this article, but what I want to say, has been mentioned in my online diary so very often already, I don’t want to put myself through it again. This article was finished Monday, December 24, 18:48.

Happy holidays ♥.

I’m pro international technocracy, by the way.

Blog, Online Diary

Friday, December 7, 2018

17:00 (05:00 PM) 

Good afternoon!

I’m sad to say that now, since I received only one submission, one verbal expression of interest and my “house Cuddle” – I have a lot to say about this, I might mention, but I’m afraid to be honest, because I’m always very definitive in my honesty – it’s going to be mission impossible to organize that event and assign positions, if I have so few people cooperating, for Christmas. [I’m so sick and tired of the small talk dinner, so I was trying to create an alternative.] I’m going to take the release date away. I need engagement on a larger scale – as in outspoken enthusiasm and input [it would make me so happy :(] – to successfully guide this project. 

With the situation I’m currently in, the public damage on my identity – started with these stupid flehs reporting me missing last year – it can only get much worse, it seems. Last year, the only problem was that I wanted to live with Benoît [ = my B, Visje, “The Head Cuddle”, my papa¿] and I wasn’t allowed to, and then “my parents” pressuring people from the psychiatric industry to monitor me and convince me to not make too much noise about it. I’m glad I could escape going back under surveillance and being forced to take all kinds of psychiatric medicines – I’ve never felt insulted more in terms of intellect – my body is intolerant of, by saying: “Yes, finally”, when coincidentally, mister Elia kicked me out the day before they scheduled to ambush me. I don’t believe I need it. I believe the cure to my depression – I say that I’m depressed because I’m ambitious and not succeeding, they say I’m a schizophrenic who aims too high, like my parents, my ex and my house mate – is taking the diagnosis schizophrenia out of my files, earning enough to be fullyyy independent, to be only with people of my level of reasoning – veryyyyy hard to find – and to finish Project Nosce Te Ipsum. But now that I’ve stranded here in Spandau, with no wallet and no forms of ID, no key to the apartment I’m staying in, with someone I actually barely know – and vice versa! – I feel myself going into ragdoll mode more and more, like the first time I came in touch with people from the psychiatric industry, after my parents forbade me to spend time with my B. My world collapsed… It’s the powerlessness that comes with living under someone else’s roof… 



That I don’t have a key to the apartment I’m in now, makes me stay inside, too. [Just like not having my passport, my driver’s licence, my Let’s say “my house Cuddle” works from 16:30 (04:30 PM) until 00:00 (12:00 AM). If I were to go outside right now, to buy groceries or something – NOT THAT I NOW HAVE A BANK CARD HAHAHA :'( – I would have had to stay outside until past twelve in the A.M.. So I’m a house cattt. A little ownerless street cat you can very easily take with you, if only you use the right words. 

This is against the house rules of “my house Cuddle”. The making a picture where you can see a grinder and other weed related things. Like that “Lil Fangs”!! Someone should have the right to these ways of getting by. What’s wrong, if you contribute to society? All I can do is write… To society :D. I don’t want to start shit… x_x. Meoww I just want to sleep and get treated by a doctor AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE OVER THE TREATMEMT!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED TO TAKE ANTIPSYCHOTICS AGAIN!!! Please promise me that, my Cuddle :'(. I have an aortic insufficiency of the first degree :(.

I could kill myself by posting this? And then people starting shit…

I’m not making suicide related statements to provoke a reaction. I just vent here. 

I was petted by randomly being laked in a public place. This is against the rules, but there’s no one here. What can I do? [Killing is punishable…] I should have been asked if I want this. I feel like crying. How should I feel about this? I’ve been alone for so long… He kissed me there. 

And look at me now! HAHAHAHAHA XDDDDDDD. Loyalty is very important to me, as you can see…  

This is how every day goes:

The house Cuddle: “Hey, sweetie.”

I make eye contact. A silence follows. We’re on the couch. If there’s one thing I fucking hate, it’s when someone calls my name for my attention and then just only looks at me. 

I’m scared, my Cuddle. For posting this. As I write this, the text is still a file that is only on my phone and not on the web. It all changes when I press “update”.

I get a kiss on the lips. I cat him. I avoid tongue usage. *Softly pushes him aside and goes back to smoking weed…* 

It feels like such an insult, going to sleep next to someone – he brought me food and scrubbed my body in the sauna – and then 

What are you doing? =.=”

Yesterday, I clearly said: “No.” After: “Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?” I said: “My hand?” But my only alternative was fighting to our deaths, and I can’t sleep without an orgasm. He brought food to my hotel room the day after we met. That was the day after my birthday. He is the only person who has told me “Happy birthday” in real life, for my 22nd birthday. 

I’m just continuing with breaking rules, because every day could be your last day and it’s important to make it count!

Les palpitations! 

Tell me this is a lie?

Listed :D. 

Back to getting high on the supply I’m bad bed petty for smoking without paying, because I’m the house street cat. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, December 6, 2018

01:13 (AM) 

Okayy today I’m reallyyy going to the doctor’s. I hope I’ll have enough energy and confidence this time. 

Note to future self: this is another turning point. There should be an end to doctor’s visits without going home with a solution that makes you feel the best way in the long term. I still have a lot of symptoms I don’t talk about 24/7. I don’t intend to die before having set up my company and also not without having met my B in this new context. 

Without being able to identify myself, I really don’t like to go outside… 

Meoww one day I’ll be the happiest version of myself and then you’ll be able to see this in my writing and feel the same effect of emotional happiness. 

Moge elke dag beter zijn dan de vorige, voor ons allen

Good night [I define the night as after 12 am and before 6 am]

xxx – 


[I write when I have “inspiration” to write.]

I just brushed my teeth. I think, to make tomorrow’s visit less “worrisome” [when it comes to my last attempt of living symptom free], I should translate my symptoms to German in advance. 

  • Vermoeidheid = Müdigkeit 
  • Heel regelmatig urineren = Sehr regelmäßig urineren
  • Pijn op de borst bij aanraking = Schmerzen in der Brust bei Berührung
  • Pijn bij mijn onderrug = Schmerzen in meinem unteren Rücken
  • Afname van spierkracht = Abnahme der Muskelkraft
  • Kortademigheid = Kurzatmigkeit

The list is actually so endless that I always forget it when I write it down and when I feel the complaint in real life, I don’t think of writing it down. 


      07:55 (AM) 

      Good morning! 

      I’m now walking back to where I’m staying. At the reception I was first asked to pitch why I’m there and then to show my insurance card. After I told her that I’m insured in the Netherlands and my bag is stolen, she said that they don’t help foreign people “here”. Meoow I what the fuck should I do now? :'( What if today doesn’t bring clarity either? My house mate will get too annoyed and complainy from my depression that comes from being unsuccessful in my eyes and from my health complaints. Or maybe not. I shouldn’t write things down here and not say them in real life, says one side of me. Another side of me says I should. It’s both out of love: if I say what is really on my mind, in this situation – something I have also not written down, but my writings come closer than my real-life words – it will lead to very definitive words, because if someone else keeps making me feel even worse about myself – I feel bad about myself because I haven’t accomplished all of my goals yet – my heart wants the uttermost distance. But I don’t want to hurt those who are/seem loyal. At the same time, I write them down, because if I don’t – since I don’t say it out loud – I vent my hurt by writing about it, because talking about (solely) those feelings leads to more hurt every time. 

      Why do I only get more stuck every time, while I’m working twice as hard to get myself out of this instead of in it?

      I now don’t want to go to the doctor’s even more. But I feel so fucked up and I cannot bother someone I met not so long ago, for so long. It eats at me. In a situation like this, “my parents” are the (only¿) people I can approach for help – I write it here for my readers, too, hoping that they see the good in me and the benefit in it for them and help me and I really hope one day, someone will – but I really never want to see them [“my parents”] again. Don’t tell me to do “zand erover”, because I’ve done that often enough. When I say that I’m done with someone, I’m really done with someone. I don’t mind separation. The list of chances and reasons why is endless. 

      I should look for another doctor’s office, but I’m afraid to hear that they will refuse to help me there, too. In the Netherlands, it’s the same shit. I didn’t sign up for that. It makes me want to say: “Joh, dan ga ik toch helemaal niet naar de dokter? Dan sterf ik toch maar gewoon en gaat de hele wereld zichzelf nog verder naar de klote helpen?” But I never say it out loud, because I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to sound cocky and I don’t want to give in to the desperate and ferocious emotion that makes me want to say this. This health struggle is keeping me from working on my business. 



      Cuddles to South Africa and Spain for being new in my top 5 of countries where my websites are viewed the most. And to Sweden for passing the Netherlands and now being the number 1 in my top five :). 

      I hope I’ll meet my readers all over the world! 

      I’m back at giving in to my fatigue. Yet still not the ability to fall asleep. My present eats at me, too. My love feelings and love life need to be synced up much better. Partially because I keep too much to myself. I’d love to speak about it, but only when I’m sure that people want to do this, because they want to know and not because they want to hurt me. Another factor is that deep down I’m going insane – as in that I actually feel like screaming and throwing myself to the ground and stuff – because I’ve stranded here. After a while, if someone keeps saying that my life and my business are a joke, I always get the need to seclude myself from that person for good. In the situation I’m in now, that’s so fucking impossible. But still somehow this needs to end, because this is not good for anyone. I’m afraid to say it in real life, because I’m afraid he’ll read it and I don’t want to break his heart. Even though him generalizing my work and saying “that it’s obvious why no one likes it” has shattered so much for me already. The issue is the unpredictability. 

      If you really love me – so fast – and you are loyal, I want to keep you in my life forever. If I don’t have a feel for becoming monogamous/polyamorous, then through my business. Because of the path I have chosen, I want to have that connection with as many people as possible. Equal levels of attention are important. 

      I’m going to try to catch some rest and try to save myself again. That saving myself shit wasn’t intended to be a fucking frequent motive. So much drama x_x. And still no B :'(.



      Oh, I forgot to log that yesterday I met a very nice friend of my house Cuddle. I thought that those who feel incentivized to study things media related, are all pro today’s culture of all following the same script and repeating it until the end of time and never really change anything. But he opened my eyes! We had a very nice conversation. I gave him all of my business cards – I’m so desperate ahahahahahaha – for him to give to his fellow Graeynissis. Today, I’ve received a very long email from him. If there’s one thing I love, it’s very long emails! If it’s up to me, you’ll definitely hear more from him [and my house Cuddle! Without the distortion of my distorted personality, you’ll see a different side of him, if he would like to “be more online”] throughout the rest of this life that includes D.O.C.I.S. International and Project Nosce Te Ipsum… And! Haha :D. 

      I think I should change the function I’ve given. The head should like to do the math. Since he doesn’t like maths, maybe he would like to officially draw out my concept of the corporate compounds? Maybe he would like to draw me an infographic as well… But after the €140, me not expressing all of my emotions in real life and being bed petty all of the time, I’m too afraid to be laughed at or rejected :(.

      ~random intermezzo~

      Here are some pictures of the dinner I made yesterday:





      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Wednesday, December 5, 2018

      01:09 (AM) 

      Hii my Cuddle ♥

      I have no idea what I’m doing anymore x_x. Ich brauch Engagement :(. And some money so that I can be independent :D. 

      Other than that, I just came “back online” to say good night. 

      Good night ♥



      12:49 (PM) 

      Good afternoon 🙂

      How’s your day? 

      I’m back in bed after having eaten breakfast – for me, it was breakfast, for him, maybe not – made by my house mate. Tea, seasoned tomatoes and mini baguettes with salmon, of which some were topped with mustard and some were topped with a white spread that also had the sharp taste of mustard. I don’t use my phone as much, when I’m around him, because he keeps saying that he doesn’t like it. So I don’t have any pictures or on-scene writings. Aside from this interference, I’m so comfortable for the amount of time we’ve known each other and in this situation where he’s now kind of stuck with me. I’d rather be the one who owns the house – my lifestyle is much different – and invites people over. The path of getting there is now three times as schwer, because I’m bagless x_x. 

      I “don’t know why” “my parents” ask me things about my stolen things, while I haven’t mentioned to them that they were stolen. They hate my website, so why the fuck read it? Grrrr… I don’t want to use my last bits of energy to attempt to level with them anymore. “My father” [mister Elia] asked – via text – if I’ve gone past the police station already. Some reasons why I didn’t go to the police because of my stolen bag are:

      1. I’ve never heard of stolen products being found after them having been reported stolen and/or missing [but yes, of course, there’s that 1/999999 chance]
      2. I’m sick as fuck x_x. What was 25% strength yesterday, is 15% now. I can barely walk and thus I don’t care that much about the bag and getting myself to a station 

      It takes two weeks for me to receive my passport. On my way back to where I’m staying – it’s a 45 minutes journey from there to the embassy – I saw an e-mail from the embassy, in which they ask me to come back, because there was one more paper I needed to sign. I was already in the S-bahn…. I haven’t gone back. I need to find a way to pay back my house mate, because that €140 is eating at me. Other than that, I don’t want to go back to the embassy :(. I don’t like bureaucratic shit :'(.

      I wish I had the passport of a diplomat x_x. Travelling would be soo chill… 

      It was my/”our” [the key to the apartment was in the bag that I now don’t have anymore] intention to go to the doctor’s office today – not doctor Cuddle’s, that’s too far 🙁 – but I feel sooo tired, I really can’t even go outside. I hope that if I rest enough today, I’ll have enough energy to move myself to the doctor’s tomorrow. 

      If I were to have cancer: I really don’t want chemo therapy. The effects are often not permanent and it has the most crazy unhealthy side-effects. I’d rather get surgery and consume a lottt of weed, without tobacco. 

      I can’t see how many people are reading/have read D.O.C.I.S., and who they are. I don’t have an indication of what kind of effect my writing has on the reader. (Say something, please :(.) I also don’t know if those who read it need more time, or if they’ve read it and don’t know what to do… The thing with this is that the code for engagement is very general – as in that I mention it in almost everything I write, but indirectly, because the available positions within the organization depends on how much land might be available to us one day, so I need to choose wisely. I need to choose, also because I know that this level really isn’t for everyone. I need the best of the best. That’s you! Please tryy. I want us to succeed together! 

      So I’ve been putting a lottttttttttt of effort into finding ways to alter the system and drasticallyyyyy improve the quality of life. This is something I do for a, currently, great but undefined collective. I don’t know who’s interested in becoming a part of this, but I’ve put my health problems on the side for us, so that at least the strategy is finished and I’ve left something behind I could call an unspoken legacy. I find that I deserve to be compensated for this, since I’ve created a lot of new value. No one else on this planet can do that the way I do. It’s up to you for me to take that to the next level. If I don’t get a compensation for the outrageous amount of hours I’ve put into this, I’d rather fucking die. I’m not saying that because I want fucking attention – the only thing I want attention for is non-conservative change in the global system we live in. I’m saying that because my cropped up anger leads to intense suicidal tendencies. The last time I did an attempt was when I was in the psychiatric ward, avoiding “my parents”, afraid that they were going to transfer me to the internal “chronical ward”. The first time I wanted to do an attempt, I was 10, but I stopped, because suddenly “my grandmother” and sister spotted me. My grandmother’s worry and the look in my sister’s eyes is what made me stay. What made me want to die was the fucking absurd form of parenting I was stuck in and the thought of the many years to come, before finally being able to spread my wings, not knowing that they were going to interfere in that as well. 

      By the way, if you don’t accept my privacy policy, I won’t know what country you’re from and thus also not what places to approach first. 

      Soo yess… The Nosce Te Ipsum series is a self-reflection questionnaire for you and me. With the universal standard of human reasoning – what I mentioned in earlier posts, you could see if you’d copy-paste the text in the search bar of this website – and the code that will be generated from your answers, when I’ve explained to someone who’s specialized in AI what to do, after I’ve found this person – is that you¿ – is what forms D.O.C.I.S. International. I want to review everyone’s answers, because it’s important that ambitious and loving person become part of the organization and that materialistic opportunists stay the fuck away :D. 

      You’ll have to read about 10% of this to be able to get the full project’s concept. I’m trying to be the challenge of today’s talent. I hope you’re not mad at me for not making this easy :(. I’m not mad at you! I can’t get truly mad at you ever…. Sometimes I use madness to get people to listen… I prefer regular forms of spreading a message, though. 


      15:40 (03:40 PM) 

      It’s hard for me to fall asleep… :(. I just came back from eating Mittagessen my Cuddle’s mother had cooked, at the house of the Cuddle(¿) I’m staying at’s neighbor’s. I loved itt. Hänchensomething haha. With rice :D. It would go great with tayer and oxtail! I don’t know if tayer is sold here anywhere¿

      When I think of my health, my finances, my future and my intelligence related form of loneliness, my fatigue increases with 99%. It’s already far beyond the regular percent scale. 

      If my self-diagnoses stimmen [Gerlish/Englerman :D], I wish I would be peacefully ambushed by oplettende Cuddles. You would make me the happiest person alive, if you’d help me get comfortable… I will give you a lot in return! 

      It would lakily be Graeynissimus, if I were – confirmed by experts – as sick as I think and feel I am [others say it’s schizophrenia. They need to back the fuck off :D], and then get money to live from and design my own house and fix my legal identity issues and correct my medical record and fund manufacturing benefit boxes – because the process of me finding investors is veryyyyyyyy slowww – and run my business from my sick bed with sexy Graeyniss nurses. It sounds like a dream… 

      Kut Sinterklaas [he is not Santa Claus. NL = Sinterklaas Dec 5/Dec 6 & Christmas Dec 25 & 26] :D. *youth flashbacks* “Waarom krijg ik nooit de dingen die ik echt wil, die misschien duur zijn in mijn optiek – want ik kan ze zelf niet betalen, anders had ik ze al gehad – maar die “mijn ouders” gewoon makkelijk kunnen betalen¿” Als je me, als kind, geen geld wil geven, moet je me ook niet je achternaam geven!!! Grrr…. 

      Who the kanker fuck keeps changing the publication dates of my articles? They become invisible on my website, in that way. I don’t want that. Grrrr…. 



      Two things:

      Something I really wonder, is if being a witness is punishable in Germany as well. It is, to the power of infinity on a rocket ship, in the Netherlands. 

      I need a more secure form of publishing, because this data loss thingy is not good for my health. Ah meow :(. Why sabotage me?  🙁


      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Tuesday, December 4, 2018

      00:41 (12:41 AM) 

      *Greetings again¿*

      So today I will go to the Dutch embassy… *flashback to something I wrote earlier about authorities + my conscious x_x…* 

      I don’t have any form of identification with me. I think I left my bag on the bench in the locker room… That’s how I lost all of the cards I had with me x_x. 

      I consciously write this very personal information down on my website. In the end, people spit in “for and against” debates about the content. That is always with online things people keep an eye on. 

      Keep an eye on me, as I say “Hi” to my “lifetime” authority. 

      Yesterday was soo nice! Seeing the countryside of Berlin, with this Cuddle of mine. A Cuddle is how I call someone who is on the pro side of the debate, in my mind, sort of, currently. 

      Time for beddd 

      Good night 

      xxx – 

      08:44 (AM) 

      Gute Morgen, mein Cuddle ♥

      How are you today?

      I’m going to get ready to visit the embassy – accompanied by my house mate – for temporary papers and maybe requesting a new passport, too, since I need ID. After that, I really need to make a doctor’s appointment, because my complaints are getting worse every day. 

      I’ve never been to an embassy before – as far as I can remember… Maybe I’ve been there when I was little – and I’m hesitant with visiting the doctor for financial reasons. 

      In my current situation, without my cards – that were already not enough to live from in the long term – and papers, while I probably have a serious illness and while my business still has 0 investors besides myself – I don’t have much money, though – and 0 project participants, I fucking hate life so much, I’m quite indifferent between anything that comes on my path right now. As in every time I think I’ve experienced the worst I can experience in that situation, and then it becomes worse. For 22 years straight haha how long can it last :'(. I’m so tired of all of this. With my business, I could – if I were to have an investor – create alternatives in our system we could all benefit from in the long term. If I could do that for a living, I would be happy. But now that I’ve stranded here in the sense that I currently fully depend on my house mate – something I don’t like to bother him with – and I thus will have to search for a job “in loondienst”, but there I can’t challenge myself while making a change, because I don’t have a PhD or a similar type of title that indicates the level I can work on, and thus I would be getting myself stuck in a routine I don’t want to get myself stuck in, because it would stagnate my process. 


      10:57 (AM) 

      A few times, I said *greetings again¿*, because I don’t know if my writer’s perspective is clear to my readers. A few times a day I pick up my phone to write down what is on my mind. I’m not the type of person who would share my feelings in detail, if it’s unasked or if it’s used to say that I’m crazy. I write more often when I’m outside. 

      The main reason why I wanted to share the contents of my mind, was for business transparency – people like to sabotage my shit, because I’m female, black and talented, with uncommon stances, so this (along with my online backups) is/are my alibi because if I were doing something criminal (that what haters like to say. Grrrrr) I would have had a lot more money and I wouldn’t be keeping an online diary – and to keep a memory of “how the old system was”, for later generations, for when we – “we” being those who are interested in joining me – have our new system. 

      In case you wonder why I don’t write as much: I’m giving you time to catch up. 

      I wonder why I’m not hearing anything. People like to rant to people these days, so I don’t understand, now that I don’t have any real engagement, why people aren’t saying why they have decided not to engage either. The only person who has mailed me is my mother, because my bag is gone. 


      12:08 (PM) 

      Me earlier

      I’m now about to make some pasfoto’s for my new passport. I had to borrow €140 from my Cuddle to be able to order it :'(. Meoww I really need to apply for a job here. Maybe teaching mathematics¿


      13:08 (01:08 PM) 

      If I “lose” my passport again, within two years, then “de paspoortmaatregel” causes me to not be able to request a passport again (for a limited amount of time or forever¿). 

      I don’t even want that nationality x_x. But I don’t have the type of money that gives me power. Then I would have “invested myself into the US” by now. Or Canada. Or Germany. Or wherever else the country isn’t a natural threat in itself. 

      Another thing that has a deadline is that absurd tax bill I got. I’ll have to call the tax agency to ask them to send me the login credentials from 2016, then I have to re-file my taxes. It’s only business expenses – spendings on advertising, WordPress extensions etc. – and no income. Just like always =.=”. What’s the point of filing it even, since there’s no tax to pay or receive involved, in this case. Of course, I’ll still do it. I guess… x_x I can’t stand these unwanted obligations. I owe the right to an alternative. But the only way to put that in practice is with supporters and investors. Meoww why does no one be my business Cuddle :(.

      When I started this diary, my only problem was the authorities “my parents” ordered to monitor me. Now it’s that, “my parents” themselves, not having any documents or payment cards, my fucking hard drives are gone and the rest of what was in my beloved backpack, I don’t have an income, people keep gazing at my publications without engaging, people keep mistaking me for the wrong person and then they treat me in a way that leaves me so hurt, Germany is very cool, but I want to live in California, I never want to see “my parents” again, I never want to go to the Netherlands again, unless it is to pick up my books and other things with emotional value – even though most of it was in my bag – because there the shit with people who think they know me and “the weather is going to kill us” stress is worse, I’m so sick my muscle strength has been at 25% for a very long time now, I’m exhausted 24/7 and the list goes on and on. 

      I’m on my way back to the Cuddle’s place. He didn’t want to wait at the embassy, so he already went home. I want to pay him back as fast as possible ah meoww. But without involving “my parents” in this, of course, because I’m so fucking fu-cking sick and tired of them telling me that I cost them too much. THEY want to get me home as soon as possible every time I cross the border. But not this time!!!!! Sometimes – when it’s always only drama and hurt and superficial shit – it’s better to break contact for good, I believe. 

      I’d rather vanish for real, than go back to being stuck in the Netherlands. I wish I could start a new life, with my B. I wonder if he’ll respond to me this time. It hurts me when he doesn’t respond, which is why I stopped trying every day. But I still try. 

      Applying for a job as a mathematics teacher at an international school for people below age 18, is something of which I think it has a higher potential success rate than talking about this fucking disappointing sole proprietorship with an investor. Grrrr meow :(.


      16:50 (04:50 PM) 

      Is it still because of what my parents said about me suddenly being sort of mentally handicapped and not able to communicate and shit, that people don’t approach me about what I do here? That I’ve shunned them, doesn’t mean that I’d shun you ever! If you love my writing, there’s no way I could ever fang you!! I’m doing the most non-conformist things. (In the sense that I do what is good in my view and  I’m trying to start conversations and conferences that lead to real change. Meoww please break your pact of silence towards me. What I’ve been saying might not be jolly, but I’ve been leaving messages for you here multiple times per day, almost every day, since I started this blog. Because you’re my Cuddle! 😀 

      Please say something :D. Let’s be wild non-conformist Graeynissis¿ 😀


      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Monday, December 3, 2018


      My Cuddle ♥

      I now have 15% of battery life left, until the end of time, since I’m now bankcardless and thus I can’t buy a new phone charger. 

      I hope you’ve had a great weekend. I hope I’ll have a great weekend one day. 

      Here are some pictures I made yesterday but didn’t publish:

      Meowss such a chill area

      It keeps increasing, but it’s far from enough…

      I’m still going to write some mails to investment companies, I guess. I really prefer to get an individual to sign with me,  instead of an organization, though… 

      I’ll be getting fucked up as fuck with my Cuddle, who – so cute – is more emotionally affected by the vanishing of my shit than I am. 


      I will be “phoneless Fangs” very soon. “I’ve been avoiding contact with authorities”, but I need to report that I lost my passport? 

      I hope my B will answer his email!  

      5% left. Updating so frequently drains my phone battery… 

      If you’re in the mood for conversation with me, please send me an e-mail! 

      My day was nice. I hope yours too! 

      Ciao xxx


      *greetings again?*

      Being phoneless didn’t last that long, thanks to a dear Cuddle of mine. He bought me a charger :D. 

      He advised me to go to the Bodeshaft(¿)/Embassy because I don’t have my passport anymore [since yesterday]. My two external hard drives were in my bag, too x_x. I usually keep them close to me. There are back-ups on there starting from my first laptop. [Not my old desktop computer running on Windows Vista.]


      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Sunday, December 2, 2018


      Ciao ♥

      Today, now that I’m certain no one was fully up-to-date and approving of the proposed format of Project Nosce Te Ipsum/”the application process”, since I haven’t received any e-mails and/or responses to any works [my reality, which I hope will change… I feel alone in my ideas], I have – when it comes to maintaining my well-being – three options:

      1. Approach investors who seek for opportunities online [e.g. in the city I’m currently in (Berlin)]
      2. Find a job here
      3. “Find a publishing alternative [a fellow propagandist… They’re hard to find…]” [It’s not easy, but it’s my only other option, in the context of a happy life.]

      By sending an e-mail is how I would approach this potential investor. By phone is also an option, but my German is not that good. Being in the Netherlands would have been more convenient, but I’m tired of re-ocurring argument themes with “my parents¿¿¿”, and what you see is what I can afford, so I’m here now. 

      I want to have a job with which I can pay for my living – I would like to be able to work inside my house and have a shared office building – and put into practice my plans for charity, environmental solutions [@Re-Illu] and “Planet Fang”. 

      I need help from someone with power, to achieve my goals that are communal. If I don’t get this help, I can also resort to focusing on helping myself, but that is boring… 

      When I wake up, I will accompany my house mate and somehow find the right actions to still be able to find enough people to cooperate so that I can start making a change. Now, I still just have been explaining the concept haha……… 

      My Cuddle 😿

      I want to be Cuddles :[. Why does no one approach my Cuddleniss? 🙁

      Does my B know about this? [Is he my papa¿]

      Meoow I still wish for that day…

      Well, time for bed…

      Good night! ♥


      Good afternoon 🙂

      I wonder if the masses will ever respond to my idea. [Being part of that crowd depends on the type of life you like.] If not, then I’ll stop putting effort in trying to reach them in a way that informs them of what I’m trying to make clear. I hope you can understand that writing so much with only an anonymous  audience – thus people looking at my struggle and and talking about it with other people, excluding me – is frustrating. 

      I don’t want to frustrate myself, and with the large crowd of people ignoring me, I start to dislike trying to get people on my side. This diary is getting annoying… If I stay excluded from those who read my writing, it is a waste of energy to keep trying to engage them in what I do. It is up to them to involve me in their lives. If they keep not doing it, I’m better off solely chasing those at the top. 

      The person with whom I’m currently staying, after I let myself be kicked out of my parents’ house a few days ago – he calls me his girlfriend – has to work, and I don’t have all keys needed to enter the house, so I’m just going to kill some time in the city center, doing tourist things, and preparing some emails to approach alternative potential investors with.

      I hoped to have had some people reaching out to me by now, so that I could have been dividing tasks to finally start Project Nosce Te Ipsum. But I’m not, so I’m now on the edge of either approaching other potential investors for an alternative way for my corporate reform, or I can quit doing business – like everyone in my personal life advises me to, which I consider the greatest insult – “live a regular life”, which I fucking hate so deeply, I will not last longer than two weeks. 


      I wish I could learn about this from a politician’s/economists perspective. 

      Neoclassicism’s inception

      Will I still be here to be able to make an appointment for a history related tour? And to visit the popular dome! But I need to focus on earning so that I can afford my own place to stay…

      Meoww :[. I have so many questions!

      Such a pretty clock tower 😀

      My first mail wil go to my B – he is main and not alternative, yet still I only have his e-mail address and office number which are public. But first, I need to find a place where I can eat some. I could also go to the central library. 

      One of the reasons why my diary posts are shorter, is because I’m giving people time to catch up. 


      I sent another mail to my B. I hope he will respond this time. 

      This I ate earlier at the main station of Berlin:

      I couldn’t finish it, so I’m carrying half of it with me, as I am on my way

      It’s dark and rainy, so I’ve decided to already go to my Cuddle. Am I too quick to say “Cuddle”? “In a monogamous relationship” – something I have been not wanting since I broke up with my ex and the pains I get from missing my B – I’m not the dominant type. I lack the confidence to say it when I’m not that into someone. Or to stand up for myself when someone is being very disrespectful. I hate it when people treat me like I’m dumb and superficial, just because I look relatively good and because I’m not excitable about today’s trends or “female shit”. “Look, there’s a mall!” And then some expect me to jump and scream and act like an animal. Fam, I don’t give a fuck….

      I love that he – who I’m travelling towards right now – lets me stay with him. It is a form of support no one else has offered me in this tering wanneer is het eindelijk fucking afgelopen life. But I hope I’m not pregnant, because I want to focus on my career… 

      It’s hard for me, as an Einzelgänger, to get used to suddenly living with someone. And then not knowing for how long it is… I hope I can also find investors for Volta, with which I can afford my own living. I want to show you an exemplary lifestyle, but I’m still on the path towards it myself. Volta is for the shift between lifestyles. 

      Phones are not allowed at the sport and spa center. That’s why I’m always offline when I’m there. I’m on my way there now. 

      My debit account is not on minus now. It’s, however, not enough to visit doctor Cuddle and/or another doctor here, and I guess “I need to get those white blood cells out of my urine”. I postpone my death a little by smoking weed, is what I tell myself, but a very great part of me is so indifferent between being dead or alive. If people don’t like my work, I’m for sure better off dead. Fuck. This. So I don’t really “have a plan” when it comes to fixing the issues with my bladder. I also actually need new glasses and an antiknarsgebit. And a propagandist who could help me get rid of my raging and stuff… Something against insomnia, something against the internal pains I have. I’m quite sure that I’m ill. The question is do I want to live. If this silent treatment continues – so uncalled for – I can make my decision with ease. I’m so fucking pissed. That’s also why I don’t make pictures with me on it right now. I have the forever Bert [Bert & Ernie reference] facial expression. I feel like a teacher with a non-cooperative class x_x. 


      I’m currently on the cross trainer, with my hands free, so that I can type at the same time. 

      I was playing memory before I started to type


      Doing some machine exercises before resorting to the punching bag, pretending that it’s the man who kicked me out 😀


      If I were to continue at full strength, I would fuck up my knuckles. I like fighting with gloves less… 

      Now I’m going to swim. I always wear the same shit x_x. Ttyl xxx

      My backpack is not in my fucking locker x_x. My fucking grey notebook and passport are in it :'(.

      I had it when I came here. It’s not at the lost and found :(. Ffs if someone has taken it: you may keep the cash, but better return the rest of my belongings you won’t use anyway. Letters from a Stoic was in it, too :(. Where the fuck is it x_x. 

      My drivers license was in it. My other bank cards, too, but I’m not earning anything, so they’re all fucking empty. Have fun with it. My phone charger was in it, too. My phone battery is on 36%. Motherfuckers who think that I already own millions and who think that I’m solely out for self-preservative shit, can go straight to hell, because if I were as rich as people think I am, I would already own my own fucking state. 

      So since I’m now chargerless, my bank cards are Dutch, just like my passport, and my bag is gone with the wind, I’m so fucking done with all of this shit. I’m now not even able to go out and do something by myself anymore. Where the fuck is my bag?

      I only care about my bag because I want that fucking notebook!!! A lot of my notes and self-reflection are in it. It has so much emotional value.

      But now that I’m bagless – deep down, I hope I’ll still find it, but people are heartless animals – my battery can die at any second and no one has a HTC U11 and I want to be a business owner and not a blogger and I hate texting with my mother in a situation like this, so das war’s. My battery can die at any second. I’m going to continue swimming until my house mate is done working.

      My bag is, from a Stoic perspective, one of the few things I need to survive. But I’d rather die than live in a world with people who fear change and thus will never see change. I won’t be blogging if I don’t have my bag. I can’t even go back to the Netherlands right now. Not that I want to HAHA FUCK THAT. Godverdomme, eindelijk rust.



      Look at all of the money I have now! It’s in my pocket. Come steal it, motherfucker, I can kill you with my bare hands :D. 

      €3,89! Or €3.89 “in an intercultural context”

      I love you too much to already go offline if my phone still has some battery life [“juice”] left. To a part of my readers, I want to say: “My Cuddle, please say something! We’ll be together forever :D” and to another part I want to say: “YOU’RE THE PERSONIFICATION OF SATAN. HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT MY ONE OF A KIND ARTWORK SOLELY TO RIDICULE IT. I’M TRYING TO START A MOVEMENT HERE. IF YOU SABOTAGE IT, I HOPE I’LL BE ABLE TO BECOME SO POWERFUL ONE DAY THAT I CAN TAKE YOUR POWER TO FUCK MY SHIT UP AWAY.”

      When my phone dies, you can still reach me via email. 

      The fucked uppest part of this is that I can’t apply for a job, because I don’t have my passport with me. “I don’t mind” [of course it’s fucking fucked up, but going crazy in real life isn’t going to change shit, so I don’t do it] not having this passport, compared to my other passport, because that one had a lot of stamps from traveling. And I know who took it, but I’m too kind to get him imprisoned for taking my shit. The system should offer enough alternatives for people not to steal. If then thay [I type without autocorrect, so excuse me fot this, but I hope you’ll get used to my high speed typing] person still steals shit, he or she does not contribute to the greater collective, so X him or her out lol. I won’t be doing that to Planet Fang citizens. That’s why I think we should separate our systems – but I want some of the people running our current system on my side, such as President Trump and my sexy B – because then I would “verbannen” that person from my system. It’s important that you have a good heart. If you don’t have a good heart, my system won’t let you in. I’m here especially for those who feel alone in their being. It’s often the people who have a lot to give, who are secluded from the masses. I’m trying to end your days of loneliness! Please Cuddle me ♥

      I’m still “at Centro”… I’ve been thinking of applying for a job here. I hope I won’t have to!

      “Schöne Feierabend”

      Whoop whoooooop

      Ughh now tomorrow I need to go to some place to report that I don’t have my passport.

      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Saturday, December 1, 2018


      I think I should get ready for switching to pen and paper only! 

      D.O.C.I.S. includes the steps that need to be taken to constitute a communal D.O.C.I.S. International. 

      Examples of corporate assignments are:

      • Architecture and Real Estate

      During Project Nosce Te Ipsum, D.O.C.I.S. International seeks investors for supporting corporate change. One of the main aspects of this project is developing a corporate society. I have some plans for the construction of a sustainable corporate village…. Or a sustainable corporate metropolitan… It depends on how many people will send me an e-mail. The deadline is December 24, 2018. After that, you’ll hear what position you’ll be recruited for. I intend to respond to your e-mail within 72 hours. The reality depends on how many people will sign up. Currently, it’s 0. Things are not looking well for D.O.C.I.S. International right now. But this is the only way for us to change the system. If people persist in not taking action, I’m screwed. It’s the only future I have… 

      [Should D.O.C.I.S. be in other online book sources as well?]

      • Entertainment 

      The amount of text on this blog is a lot to catch up on for a new reader. It would be easier for me to somehow sell videos. I have some plans for directing, but I don’t know how to set up a professional recording set. 

      I also think that there are many Graeynissis who have ideas of their own forms of entertainment. I would love to make a platform for you! For that we need to talk :D. If you sign up for The D.O.C.I.S. Community, you get access to the private forum :). Always! 

      I would love to start an alternative media platform, as part of D.O.C.I.S. International. Hearing your publishing ideas would be nice :D. 


      Hey alvast een fijne Sinterklaas. Mag ik vakantiegeld omdat ik zwart ben en Sinterklaas koud is? 

      I’m staying here. As in I packed to leave. “The Stoic way”… Now I need to make a living…….. 

      I’m not earning anything from blogging and writing books, because no one chooses to pay for it. I hope someone will like my plans for corporate change. 

      How long does it take you to read D.O.C.I.S.? That episode contains the core of all you need to know! 

      How long would it take you to complete the application assignment? I only need your answers to the questions in D.O.C.I.S., to see what I could do for you. 

      Then I know when I can be expecting e-mails :D. I’m looking for other ways to correspond. I hope we’ll be writing each other letters one day :D. 

      I promise that I will never rage at a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, in personal correspondence!♥

      Fuck you person who keeps deleting paragraphs :D. I’d go offline because of you! Pen and paper is fine!


      I hope you have been thinking about your plans for enhanced living in the sustainable metropolitan of D.O.C.I.S. International. The one I would like to finalize the building plans of, during Project Nosce Te Ipsum. Are you interested in becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community and have a say in Project Nosce Te Ipsum? 

      I hope I’ll be able to organize a benefit where I could sell benefit boxes. I need investors to be able to organize this. 


      By pen and paper only I don’t mean the messed up type of isolation. [If that were to happen again, I want my people around me 24/7 :D.] Security is important. It could stall our process, if not guided well. 


      I think I like kissing more in the middle of a romantic conversation, instead of after: “Come here.”

      It is quite overwhelming to be back here already… Already in the sense that I intended to stay in California before visiting Germany. But when “my father” gave me the freedom after kicking me out, I wanted to get away from unsafe “natural conditions” and a certain type of time consuming conversation. Now that type of conversation isn’t always avoidable, I guess. 

      Slight improvement x_x


      Oh I see question 15, 16 and 17 is enough for application. I forgot to erase that formatting error in the ebook x_x. They’re in the free ebook. 

      15) “Yes, thank you” [my answer] or “No, thank you” are examples of answers

      16) “C” is my answer. [C = 3, for those who read the online article and not the PDF. If you’re interested in Category B (2), examples of answers are B6 (that would make “Illuminatus Mathematicus”) or “2.6” is also easily processible. Easy to process, because I think that it’s time to hurry up with the recruitment of members of D.O.C.I.S. International = “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”]

      17) “1, bitte :D” is my answer

      Everyone has to complete the series at some point. But we still need to make it to book 4! I guess… If my work will be understood one day… 

      I wish I would have been able to hire a camera crew. Or would be able to. 

      I also wish I had a B… 

      Blog, Online Diary

      Saturday, December 1, 2018


      I can’t stand when I write something and then, due to an error, I lose it x_x. 

      How do I incentivize you to engage in something? I’ve been to get you to approach me in real life… For a very long time… Waaaay too long :D.  

      Hi, my name is Lil Fangs, and I’m saying “Fuck this shit,” about simplifying my content. I like my content pure. Yes, it’s a lot to read, but my use of language is not that hard. Know that no one can force me to say sorry to anyone. No one should do that to you either, if you’re Cuddle. If you don’t like my writing, that’s fine. One day, I’ll be able to block haters from seeing my content. 

      I want to make a documentary about Project Nosce Te Ipsum, while we execute the project, if we will ever do that. It depends on if someone will be able to understand Project Nosce Te Ipsum haha. I’m looking for investors. A lot of them…  Maybe this plan just really isn’t for this society. My alternative is suicide. I hope you’ll support my business.

      I’m still going to give updating Facebook another shot. 

      After that, if things still stay silent here, I’m just going to go back to writing with pen and paper only, because this is so absurd. 

      I can’t ever again hear that people really gave a fuck when I was missing, because then, right now, that person would know what to do, right? 

      I really can’t afford to be politically correct, otherwise I would have done it the easy way x_x. 

      I paid in total €25 for the ad [including likes].

      Making a new one made the date after the 30th x_x

      It was unseen? Always no likes unless I start buying them ughh fuck thiss

      What the meow :[


      I really hope you will send me an e-mail :). Or post a comment or something.

      I hope you weren’t expecting a release hype? I need investors for that…


      Good afternoon ♥

      I hope you’ve been reading D.O.C.I.S.

      I didn’t expect to be here in Berlin at this point in my life, but I’m happy that that didn’t stop me from releasing it. I’d been writing so beast mode that I didn’t get to eating lunch or dinner. 

      And then there’s still no engagement. It makes me want to say things like: “Fuck this shit, I’ll just close these websites and end this dreadful life.” Wtf am I doing this for? I’m just searching for people to run a business with… 

      You could send an email to the general email address. If you want to stand out even more, you could also use my personal D.O.C.I.S. International e-mail address. The last chapter of the free book contains a summary of how you could join me. My material won’t stay free forever. I have the right to earn from this, since so many people are getting their anonymous entertainment from it. 


      By the way, the position for “Head Architecture and Design” has become free. I talk to people who don’t keep up with my writing, and then it turns out that they have no idea what I intend to create. We’ll be using the internet/a form of internet, which is something a member of Re-Illu should be open to… 

      I want a new society. Fuck the old one. [So much for a lot of swearing after a release date… Excuse my overwhelming first expression, if you’re new.] I write my Earthly memories down, so that the later generations – who will not experience this sheepy and unsustainable Earthly generation – will understand and appreciate that it won’t be there anymore in the future. 

      D.O.C.I.S. is only available online, because I want to reach a big international audience with it, so it feels wrong in the context of what is seen as sustainability to have it on paper…. 

      Of course spectating isn’t wrong. And I promise that I won’t rage at you in my response to your application the way I do in my diary sometimes!! Don’t be scared of me. I won’t bite :D♥


      The assignment for the leader(s) of The Construction Divison is to check – and edit, including identity branding, for your legacy, if you see room for improvement – my plans for construction on the corporate land of D.O.C.I.S. International, especially in terms of safety of the construction. I could also make it a team? 

      Project Nosce Te Ipsum is always open to proposed modifications. I will mention you if you engage in this for sure!

      Blog, Online Diary

      Saturday, December 1, 2018


      “Hey, ken jij de wrok van Lil Fangs?”

      “Nee man, hoezo dan?”

      Because I’m going crazy :D. Is my writer’s perspective that hard to understand? 🙁

      You know that in the situation I’m in, you really can’t be expecting me to be dancing around in some video. We’ve been at for this so long, right!? 

      With me investing some of the last money I have left

      Ohne Marketing


      Blog, Images, Online Diary

      Friday, November 30, 2018


      The time has come to propose my final attempt to the public. To constitute a board of an international holding that puts into practice plans for a new society. 

      The most important part is that after the campaign, I receive a lot of e-mail engagement. Currently, I have only one person who, just now, accepted my verbal offer for becoming “Head Architecture and Design”. I need to make a general contract for becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. That is what I’ll do tomorrow. 

      Good night



      Good morning ♥

      How was your night?

      I’m still very tired – need a doctor x_x – but I really need to finish the ebook today, so that I can do some more effective marketing. 

      Also, last night I received this horror again:

      Pay it with what¿

      Things I should include

      • What positions
      • After filling out the mini concord and the standing out of your motivation, you receive the contract including its terms and conditions etc
      • Right now, I have nothing when it comes to money, a network and/or working space. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it this way. So we’re starting it together from scratch
      • The way it leads to benefits for you


        I didn’t draw that :D. That’s made by him with whom I currently live. “I am too focused on my computer.”



        Hey, I might sound like a layman right now, buy why did a German plane just land in the Netherlands? 


        I’m quite done with the ebook now, I think… I just can’t wait to hear from you “:D”. 

        I also don’t intend to become pregnant before age 30 or something… Not that I don’t like children, I just want to have all of my time free for D.O.C.I.S. International. 

        There is NO MINIMUM AGE!!! 

        And also no required previous experience


        I’ll finish the links in the free book’s article, make a link on the books page and then resort to Facebook and Instagram marketing. And then back to posting things in my diary, in the hope to find wild Graeynissis. 


        En nu moet ik dus voor een paar tientjes likes en followers gaan kopen [mijn marketingbudget hiervoor is €50] zodat mensen gaan denken dat andere mensen dit leuk vinden, want nu is er nog steeds – auwww meoww – niet genoeg engagement om er iets van te kunnen maken x_x. 

        A.k.a.: Please say something, my Cuddle :D. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, November 29, 2018


        I don’t know what to say… I just didn’t expect the sudden motive to free myself from palpitations and extreme blood thirst yesterday. 

        Excuse my non-Docisness… I wish I could find the shortness of words to break down all of “what the company does” down at once. But I’m very tired :[. I actually really need to visit doctor Cuddle. I don’t know how to achieve that, though, since I don’t have that much to spend and I really want to stop involving “my parents” in my financial life. I want to financially depend on Cuddles :D. [Only to kickstart the real D.O.C.I.S. International.]

        My alarm is set for 05:00. I’ll be at my last transit around 05:29 :D. 

        I’ll be train napping xxx

        This is the randomest part of my stats by the way


        I’m almost there 😀



        Being back in this city now – Berlin –  made me realize how much I missed it. Not that I know so many people here. It’s more the effect of the language and environment being relatively new to me and I really like the “alien effect” of making people curious, because there are not many people who look like me, here, that I like so much. 

        I’ll be with a Cuddle of mine. I’ll have to orient myself on getting investors and living and the release etc, from here. And make sure that I get closer to California instead of the Netherlands, after this, when it comes to traveling. 


        I’m at a steak restaurant with some Cuddles. I feel very bad about going to Germany while I have a self-set deadline, but this Cuddle needs to eat after this crazy long journey here.  


        Meow & #x1F63B;😻 

        D.O.C.I.S. will contain clarity by the end of tomorrow. I’m thinking of changing the chapters structure.

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, November 28, 2018


        Er zit een witte pukkel op mijn rechterbil. I always get that when I scratch myself, because I’m allergic to formaldehyde… And some cats, by the way…

        Do you mind if I skip the book and continue with the recruitment?

        Today, I‘ll make D.O.C.I.S. International a single page with the explanation of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and include a sign-up form. Then I wrap up the story, because if you’d start to catch up after November 30th, you might be swamped for a while, I just realized. I’ve never written this much in my life.

        Smoking earlier… Should I quit? Or use a different strain? One that has grown naturally.

        I have an engagement rate of 31.27%. That’s really bad… I’m sad to see inequality, too. And that there are more engaging men than reached women. Thanks, anonymous €38.99 =/ €61.89 and thus €22.90 discount!

        Who’s unknown? 

        Can someone nudge a (potential) Graeyniss? A third… That really sucks… 

        Doesn’t the younger generation inform the elder generations? I like that in the eldest generation, I’m more popular than the total of the three generations before that. 

        I have been guessing people have been mistaking this for a porn site…

        I can’t see incognito searching. I mean for when people try to “stalk me”. If it’s for safeguarding, I don’t mind. AT ALL!!! 😀

        I think my actual reach is much larger.

        Time for eating and sleeping (is what I say to myself). I’m hungry and tired at the same time. I need to pee, too.

        I’m stuck in aso mode :D.

        Good night ♥


        Today has just started, by the way

        It’s interesting how my settings sometimes change. Why would I schedule this article on a future date? I speak about what’s going on as I write, so the best publication moment is now.


        Good afternoon…

        The man of the house has told me to pack my bags. I told him that I have a deadline and that I have no where else to go.

        He threatened to beat me, and I told him that he should do it, because he’s going to regret it. He said that this is his house and I am his daughter and thus I live under his rules. I told him that he’s not my biological father and that I have the right to live here, since I’ve lived here since I was 8.

        I don’t know how he got there, but at some point he said: “Then I’ll let you be unsubscribed from living in this house.” And I said: “Please do! I insist!”

        After some further arguing, he allowed me to finish cooking before leaving.

        They have planned a family therapy session in Amsterdam at 5 and I didn’t want to go. I already told them that at the last session.

        This arguing is such a waste of my time and energy

        When I told him about my deadline, he said: “No one reads If I would own a business, I would never hire you.”
        I said: “That’s no problem, because I am my own boss.”

        When my mother had joined the argument, at some point, I started to secretly make an audio recording. I’ll put it on SoundCloud? Hahahahahah. Maybe I’ll be able to sample it one day HAHAHAHA.

        It’s getting time for me to leave anyway, since I woke up to this text and those people from the “VIP team” [vroege interventie psychose team = early intervention for psychoses] have so much authority in this system, they could tell me to hand in my phone and stay in an isolation cell for weeks.

        I never made an appointment… They were one of the reasons why I ran away to the US. They’re soooooooo hard to get rid of. 

        Haha meoow real papa help mee. Save me from all of these people please. They’ve been trailing me since before I went missing the first time.


        Before I leave, I want to edit the D.O.C.I.S. International website and eat some. I already packed. I packed much better than last time!

        Laptop bag + charger :D. Look at that dike. I’m glad this is my way out. Did you know this neighborhood is a “bathtub” in terms of dyke construction? 

        Not taking my Nintendo Switch this time


        Another one x_x <– That is the short audio of a little bit of the last piece of ugh I could capture. It’s “another recorded argument”.

        By not making their voices unrecognizable, I’m breaking some privacy rules, but fuck this. Things were already fucked up anyway, in terms of their interference. 

        I need my Graeynissis :[.

        The D.O.C.I.S. International website is done. I have a very long set of train rides, so there, I’ll work on the ebook. Travelling first class was 0.90 cents cheaper due to too many people travelling second class :D.


        I’m in the train, on my way to Berlin with 7 transits. One in Utrecht!  

        There is no reason to smile. I’m fang flexing

        From Germany, I have a train ride where I can sit all way through. I arrive on 05:54. 


        D. O. C. I. S. International trains will definitely have music in them! 

        I’m on a high speed train that is like a twig from the perspective of an outerspace camera to the Earth. 


        At this point in my life, I did not intend to be ON THIS TRAIN. AGAIN. 

        I was working towards my release D.O.C.I.S. on November 30th. 

        How’s the sabotaging business? 

        I’ve been losing a craaaazy amount of data and I know that real data never vanishes.

        As in if the memory of the computer it were on were to be analyzed, even after deletion, it will still be found :]. 

        But yes, I just lost a big piece of text, again. The most important points were:

        • Ahh sexy accentsss…. 😀
        • Rechts wonen? 😀 [By this I mean living on the right side of Earth looking from the perspective of the Netherlands. The sea is on the left side. The sea below sea level… It’s the safe side :D.]
        • Were Germany, Poland and Russia allies and were they red or blue? (Red, right?) I’m trying to learn about the history of the scheme THE NETHERLANDS have set up.  

          Gaan om twaalf uur Benoît zijn regels gelden? *moans*

          That is something from a beef with my “father” [the man who said ” *clap* GO!” in the audio file I uploaded earlier] had a craazy long time ago. I’m living through flashbacks… 

          It was the zillionth time I went downstairs to tell my parents: “Benoît will pick me up. Goodbye.” They say it was “a psychosis”, I say it was powerlessness. Powerlessness in the sense that I needed to get the fuck away from them, because they give me waaaay to much bad publicity and I don’t want to die a lie. Now I’m showing you what my worst type of self is, so that you know what to expect :D. 

          At some point he said: “I’m done with this. [I’ve been doing this for monthsssssssss.] If he hasn’t been here by twelve o’clock, the rules of your mother and I will become the new standard of this house.” 

          I hoped for him to come. I was fully offline in that period of my life. It was only The Head Cuddle and I… 

          Benoît didn’t come and thus my life became more hellish than before. 

          But that is now over! I’m never going back :D. 

          There’s still no Benoît in my life, though :'(.

          But meoow. The issue is that if I were as rich as people thought I’d be, I would be traveling to a much sunnier place right now. 

          But Berlin is a good alternative :D. Then I can continue this “background research”… When it comes to knowing the economical environment we all live in today. I still only know “the Dutch perspective”, since I’ve unfortunately spent most years of school there. [Meine vierte bis neunzehnte Lebensjahren(?)] 

          It’s funny when people think I’m a neonazi and I speak German. Because I’m not that person at all :D. 

          I couldn’t find my spots for the first class train before the train left, so I’m travelling second class now… Still comfortable :D. 


          This is a leap of public privacy after marketing :D. 

          Rather here than in the Netherlands…

          I hope “my father” really sticks to his words of kicking me out of the house that is also the address of my company. Then I’m fully bound to taking it to California! 😀

          But I’m kind of tense from the energies in my body that make me want to kill “my father” and his allies. 

          I need to relax… 

          I am allowed to do this, “even though I have a deadline”

          Blog, Images, Online Diary

          Tuesday, November 27, 2018


          I can’t stand when I edit an online document and the connection drops and then it doesn’t save the recently added text x_x. 

          Tomorrow, I have nothing to do but writing. That’s nice :D. 

          The performance night was nice! It gave me a lot of things to think about and it brought back a lot of memories. 

          I smoked some weed, cleaned the tea boiler and made myself tea, analyzed my statistics like I do daily – just like a lot of reasoning in silence – and as usual, I feel the need to write everything down that is on my conscious at the end of the day, so that I ponder about it less when I go to sleep. 

          Something I would really like to see change is the basic format of a performance night. It is always “introduction speech, first performances, [break,] last performances, thanking”. For the benefit I want to organize and host myself, as Praesens of Re-Illu, I would like to propose a different format. There will be seven breaks and no introduction speech. I would like to do the introduction performance, and then the program could be followed by speeches and then I later tune in as a host. Maybe some more music, maybe more talking or more interactive things. Hopefully followed by me hosting the auction and the moment – in tune with the “webminar” – people can buy their charity gifts online. 

          That could be after the release of D.O.C.I.S… It’s very hard for me to find investors. That’s what I hope to change with this free ebook. 

          now I’m going to meditate in a stretching position and go to sleep

          If I were to listen to my body, I would say: “Fuck this deadline.” “Het is als trekken aan een dood paard.” That is a Dutch saying. Literally translated, it’s: “It’s like pulling a dead horse.” It means: “That moment when you are trying to get people excited and they just keep staring at you.”

          I love you so much

          I hope that someone will say “fuck it” since I don’t ever have a security team near me and my KvK registration number [it’s my personal identification number as tax registration number, in the business owner category] directs you to my home address and help me because I can only get medical assistance in Germany, because here the health care system says “Less is more.” [JUST LIKE MY INTERPUNCTION HAHA] And that the moment I will never live with mister and misses Elia [“my parents”] again will come way sooner. Does someone understand that I need more money for my health? There are white blood cells in my urine. I’m very approachable if you reach out to me first and you don’t say dumb shit :D. I don’t have energy for dumb shit :D. And emoji coding x_x. 

          We will succeed, my pesce. At some point, it will stop being just a fantasy… Just an idea you keep explaining to yourself so that you don’t forget it. [I’m immune to your meds now, ma :D.] Something that is now only a topic of conversation, because it’s not part of my life yet. Something that makes me feel so happy when I think about it and forget everything else around me. And then it makes me feel grief when I realize that I’m still stuck in my own routine. I’ve lived in this house SINCE I WAS 8. 

          I WANT MY PAPA :'[. Does anyone know where he is? I don’t know where he lives. I only have the information I got from his public page, but he doesn’t respond anymore when I try to reach him. 

          Ah meoow

          I dooon’t want to sleep alone :[.

          Plus, this is A VERY TOUGH AUDIENCE, so I would really appreciate the assistance of him and his fellow Graeynissis 😻.

          But I have no other option than saying

          Good night ♥



          Getting out of bed is such a challenge… I just finished eating. I made this picture before I started: [by means of indicating that I ate before 14:10… That’s still way too late for a first meal of the day, though]

          The mail isn’t mine

          I wonder if people ever looked up my address and tried to send me a letter. Ohh for non-Dutch people: it’s by searching the number in the footer of this page in “het Handelsregister“. My mother is the type of person who intercepts my mail to read through it. The only way I would find out she’s doing this – if there’s one thing I hate, it’s “family secrets” – is by that person who sent me the letter still reaching out to me in a different way. I wish I could write people… Typing more than 8 hours a day is not good for my piano fingers. 

          They say you should keep your personal information private, because people are crazy “these days”.  I’m going against those forms of indoctrination, to prove that they are absolute nonsense, as you might have noticed. I’ve been at it from the start and I’m still alive. My anonymous audience – the fixed number of unknown visitors – grows daily. The only thing we need to guarantee ourselves, is that we can assemble ourselves as a group, without being ambushed by the people who actually are crazy – for being crazy self-preservative and their willingness to rather destroy the entire economic system than do what is good for all of us, which is something I’m trying to end, especially because they have no idea what they’re doing, since the system has been made up once – trying to stop us from succeeding in our mission for eternal peace. 

          After some tea and some more food – still hungry – I’ll get ready to write down the essence of my business plans muy rapidooooo. In D.O.C.I.S.. By means of self-reference while writing:


          • I will succeed in creating a parallel system
          • I will never stop
          • My intentions are harmless. My persistence is because I want to grow old in a peaceful world


          • Observation is, in my system, meant for knowing when to step in to help someone
          • There is a broad range of purposes in the new system, which are fully adaptable to the personality of the person coming to live in it
          • The system of economical accountability, within the new system I want to create, doesn’t allow for fraudulent behavior.


          I had a random encounter with a friend of my sister’s. I don’t know where my sister is. I was still at rest before she left.

          When I was smoking just now, I was searching for “sportieve (sportive) laarzen (boots)”. “Adi Dassler”… On the Adidas website, I searched for boots for wintersport… 

          Fam… The cheapest are €279.59….. 

          The weather is so cold here x_x. 

          I feel like on December 17th, I need to stop accepting money from the Dutch government (“Zorgtoeslag en Studiefinanciering”) from then, there are the payment dates [twintig (20) december en vierentwintig (24) december].  I want to start earning for myself. It’s cold as fuck and I need boots……

          I haven’t earned anything yet. I haven’t even installed my personal payment settings for Google Ads yet…

          So the recruitment…

          There are three levels and you may choose what level you follow throughout the rest of the Nosce Te Ipsum project:

          • Practitioner

          The Practitioner is part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. He or she gains access to gathering locations on earthly compounds – after we’ve established them – by completing the online questionnaire that comes with every Nosce Te Ipsum episode after signing up at the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ll get to that around the 29th… 

          [An e-mail survey?]

          Excuse me while I clear myself from a disturbance…

          • Illuminatus

          [Chair level Senate @ Re-Illu]

          • Illuminatus Intelligens

            Chair level Parliament [of the private holding D.O.C.I.S. International [is what I hope, since I’m looking for investors…]]

            How about a “bring your own pan” tea party? At the festival? 

            I’m still busy


            Last year around this time, I was in the hospital. 

            I think my B and his fellow Graeynissis are able to decipher this. Are you a Graeyniss? Would you like to become One? 

            Blog, Images, Online Diary

            Monday, November 26, 2018


            My Cuddle ♥

            It is four days until the release of the free ebook D.O.C.I.S..

            I have shown images of company logos for free on my website, in case you want to press charges and/or need information on this. 

            The Facebook ad might have directed me to you…

            These topics are consciously picked, though… [[though]=Doch, in German :D. I included a mini language course in German in my diary post]

            If you have just discovered this, I mentioned in earlier online diary episodes, I keep a diary while I am trying to find an investor. The “recruitment” [I am the one who is searching…] of D.O.C.I.S. International is explained in the free ebook D.O.C.I.S.. 

            D.O.C.I.S. International is now my sole proprietor business for which I pay tax to the country I was born in. 

            After November 30th, I want to start working on organizing a festival and a(n online) benefit. For this part of the project, I want to make gifts with essentials based on the basic needs that depend on what country the person receiving the gift lives in. 

            It will be in the Stratagem chapter. 

            I need to cut down on diary posts… 

            And staring into my phone screen

            It’s not good for the environment and it’s not good for my health. 

            I did some night time yoga, I drank the same night time tea [I think it’s time for new variation] and now I’m going to bed. I’ve been dealing with so many nightmares and so much stress from financial trouble [I think I’m hungrier than most people if you would compare it on body rate level… I’m hungry again. I don’t have any self-bought food in the house besides what I used to make the mashed potatoes with.] that it’s hard for me to go to sleep. Am I going crazy? Do you want to bust me for writing? 

            I think a tablet that works with the touch screen pen would speed up making my deadline? 

            That means I have another reason to quickly go outside and cycle! I’m going to put an alarm for tomorrow. My daily routine needs to be adjusted better in order for me to make my deadline. “There’s more food during the day.” Papa? :[ [I’m a night person :D] 

            Monday is my cooking day, just like Saturday. I live in the Netherlands. 

            10:30 AM “Amsterdam time”

            – Trying to get myself out of bed… Maybe lake once more… 

            – Brush teeth and then make pourridge met gestoofd fruit 

            – Shower etc.

            – Maybe write depending on how long it took me to get out of bed


            – Selecting and purchasing the tablet. That’s an investment… *****

            – Buying groceries x_x


            – Finish Determined, start Observative

            – Cooking preparations etc. 


            – “Night time ritual”

            I don’t know what I’ll make yet…

            ***** Since I “””actually””” “make myself look richer than I truly am”. I can’t make a living, so I live with my parents. Lately, I’ve started to think that it’s “my parents”. I don’t look like the person whose last name I carry. There are no food shops open and there’s no suitable amount of food to cook that would satisfy my hunger. But I have some mashed potatoes left still… 😀

            Ich bin ein Ausländer, wenn meine Mutter Zwei “Side Hoes” hätte und denn nicht wusste, von welche den “Little One” “ist/war/würde”. Bin ich Italienisch[e¿ I want to get back to working on my German grammar and learning Italian/Latin, as well as maaaanyyyy other things…]? 😻 Would then Professor Crutzen be my father? 😻😻😻

            The hunger might be an issue that comes with my different anatomy.

            After that, I’m going to sleep. 

            It’s now 03:19 

            Good night

            xxx – 

            Ohh my sister’s piano performance is tonight… Then no tablet? The one I really want is more expensive than I can buy anyway… 



            I already wrote a long piece, earlier, but because I used emojis in this post even earlier and I didn’t re-insert the code and then ¿¿¿, that piece of text is now gone. 

            I’m pushing myself to my limits 24/7. I probably have a serious physical illness (maybe even multiple), yet still I set aside going to the doctor again – in Germany – for the deadline I had set for myself two months ago. 



            When Project Nosce Te Ipsum officially starts – that is when there is active engagement – I will heavily cut down on writing diary posts. And using the computer. 

            We’ll – if you postpone reading D.O.C.I.S. “because you hate to read”, I don’t mean you – be having a lot of meetings that really are fun. I want to work during the holidays. There must be people out there who want to do that, too. (Is it you?) I want to organize a Christmas benefit. That’s part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. 

            I’m so tired that I’m going to take a little nap before grocery shopping. 


            I decided to walk to the store(s) instead of cycling, so that I can tell you my motive for change:

            The greatest “financial bubbles” of this economy are, if you’d ask me:

            • Streaming services 
            • Social media news services  
            • The advertising industry 
            • The weapon industry
            • Customer service
            • Student loans
            • Cryptovaluta… 

            In my parallel system, the value of money will be defined by the rate between the amount of people and the  amount of space owned by the corporate state of D.O.C.I.S. International. 

            It is important that when you earn something, you give something of value to all of society back in return. 

            I just bought such tasty truffle cheese 😻

            The entire existence of my country of birth is a financial bubble on top of an oil spill. Het staat als een huis onder het niveau van de zee HAHAHAHAHAHA.

            “Het staat als een huis” is a saying that means that the construction has a strong fundament. “Onder het niveau van de zee” is below sea level. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S TRUE AND FUCKING ABSURD AT THE SAME TIME. AND THIS SYSTEM BORES ME DUS LATEN WE HET SAMEN SLOPEN EN ER IETS NIEUWS VOOR IN DE PLAATS NEERZETTEN.

            To use dykes to make artificial land and to then overpopulate it and artificially harvest on it… Those who have been profiting from it have had enough fun with their money now, I think.

            In the Netherlands, there’s no space for what I want to do, because of the overpopulation.
            For the long term sustainability of the environment, it’s best to flood it and start over with a clean slate. “We” can’t keep on living like couch potatoes anyway. And because of the existence of the website, we all know that it’s going to happen anyway, whether we initiate the flooding ourselves or not. When I was making the Facebook ad campaign, it became harder and harder for me to include more countries – I actually want to reach every country in the world, my choice of English over Dutch confirms it – and for some reason I wasn’t able to pick the Netherlands anymore. But it’s better, because the more than 17 million individuals on this small piece of land can’t all emigrate, when non-value jobs vanish, because we should do things NATURALLY and sustainable [NOT ARTIFICIAL AND “SUSTAINABLE”].

            I chose California, because I used to watch the O.C. and I fell in love with the idea of living close to the beach and having so much living space and sun and sophisticated people…

            I forgot to buy ribs x_x. I’ll be walking back.

            I’m so tired that I want to say fuck the deadline,because there are more chapters than days left and especially in this snake country I call hell, chances are high that people will use it to profit from it themselves and not engage.


            The butcher doesn’t sell unseasoned ribs x_x. Echt typisch. I try to avoid as many artificial sweeteners as possible. 

            So then I’ll make something with the duck meat that was in the freezer. I try to avoid frozen foods as well, but with “my parents” that is fucking mission impossible. 

            I wonder if I’ll have time to write today… Since there’s the school performance night of my sister. I went to the same high school… I’ve been avoiding reminders of that time in my life since I went missing. I already hated having switched to a different school, but I still thought of it as “all right” until I found out how many of the people from that phase in my life are actually snakes. 

            Blog, Images, Online Diary

            Sunday, November 25, 2018


            Good afternoon!♥

            How’s your weekend?

            What’s your opinion on the existence of the weekend?

            On the island D.O.C.I.S. International intends to start, the rhythm of functions of days is not that fixed. Your days off are adapted to what your body needs.

            In my current life, it isn’t fixed either. I work every day…? Usually people get paid to work, haha…..

            I’m promoting my locally hosted ebook on social media… What the fuck happened to our society that that now currently social media sets the standard for the public… 

            Now, I’m playing along, but know that after the release things will be different. Making the deadline is going to be tight, but I’m going to believe it. I will shut so many people up by doing it, so I’m very eager to succeeeeed!!!!! [They don’t think I’ll make it…]

            I’ll be working in the library today…


            After I finish my first meal of the day, of course… 

            Every time I go to the university, I hope I’ll run into Professor Crutzen… I haven’t been able to reach him ever since my mother called the cops on us… I miss him :(.

            Call it breakfastt

            I don’t have internet on my laptop, in the library, so I’ll working on the PDF file there. It’s because I’m an enrolled student in a long distance university in the UK and I can’t access the Dutch eduroam…  

            By the way, I’m now so desperate to find a way to make it to California, that I have spent €29 on Heart of Gold… 

            I also hope to find investors there – instead of in the Netherlands because FUCK. THE. DUTCH. TAX. SYSTEMMMM. – and I hope they’re enthusiastic about the Graeynissis who live here, who I want to take with me to the corporate compound I want to start in Cali, before our corporate island is finished… It’s “getting out of this life and this system ASAP”… For all of the members of The D.O.C.I.S. Community! 


            I’m trying to do some pre-marketing before release marketing. My real engagement on popular social media is less than 0. I buy most of my likes and followers myself… By means of incentivizing someone to read my words, I try to make it seem more popular for regular people. It’s up to you to decide whether you find that you’re a regular person or not. If you’re reading this, I think you’re much more than a regular person. You’re a God!

            I’m an author (partially)… They should allow text-only posts? Take non-dumb people into consideration, too, please…

            An audience can only be too broad when you sell touchable items…

            I’m doing pre-marketing before release marketing, so that people know that there’s a book coming… 

            There’s a huge gap between my reading audience and the audience I’m trying to inform of the changes I want to make. I hope to be able to bridge this gap, but trying to get people to read is soooo fucking tough… 


            I only have internet on my phone here, so the changes to the online article will be made when I get back home… 

            The reason why I came here, to the library – besides hoping to see my Graeynissis – is because at “my parents’ house”, where I live, the sound of the television was getting on my nerves again. There are much more important things to talk about, such as the decay of the Netherlands….. 

            If you’re new here: welcome! There’s enough here to entertain yourself with, if you like the topics I think about… 


            So, as I’ve mentioned a few times before, by means of telling you that I’m not monitoring your web behavior – no offense, but you need to know that it doesn’t interest me that much, because I’d rather get to know you by talking to you instead of stalking you, so even if I were able to, I still wouldn’t do it – know that I can only see totals and no individuals. I can see that three people on instagram have saved my post. That has never happend before, in my entire life! I can’t see who saved it, but I love you! You’re one of a kind!! 

            The government of the country I live in can see everything, by the way. On D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang, our wallets in our parallel and FULLY legal financial system will be visibly intertwined – we all share – so there’s no need for us to dig for dirt with surveillance, the way ugh does, because we’re a loving community who has better things to do, such as making a real change. 

            I’m really happy with the way the ebook is developing itself :]. (As in with the storyline I’m coming up with on the spot, while I break down my business strategy again, trying to find the words that will make people understand…) I’ll show it to you, when I go home. 

            Ah meow since when does this building close at 9¿

            Every time I hear some security person (obsolete on Planet Fang) say that the building is about to close, I think: “But I don’t want to leave :'(.” 

            I’m going for a quick wiri pitstop first… 😀


            The earlier BikeFangs, who, after writing at the university, cycled to the coffeeshop to buy some weed (€8) and then cycled home:

            Dinner made by my sister was nice! 

            This is annoying… My “doelgroep” [= target audience] is people who read so I want a lot of textt… 

            Te veel tekst ahahahahah

            Blog, Images, Online Diary

            Saturday, November 24, 2018


            My Cuddle ♥

            How’s your night?

            You should know that I haven’t earned anything yet from my sole proprietorship. I hope that giving out my works for free will induce people to earn a title through graduating from the [hopefully to be obtained after the release…] Fangyist School, and, if investors are found, [The first Person I asked to be my investor was mister *my last name*. My father. Right. He declined my proposal. This was around. He also refused to pay for me doing web maintenance for him.)> Since then, April 2017, I’ve been scared to ask for investments… Me releasing D.O.C.I.S. is me trying again] live on a compound on real estate owned by The D.O.C.I.S. Community, on the journey of finding sustainable options for the development of our environment. The free ebook D.O.C.I.S. proposes some solutions I hope somone is interested in investing in.]> (<- that is something I added after revising the text I wrote for spelling errors and missing brackets after having uploaded the article already) 

            Do you see the stoplight in the distance? That’s how close I live to the dike/road.

            The statistics image I showed you came with the web names I bought [ and] at the web host. 

            If your phone is on and your location tracker as well, the apps you allow to track your location communicate via the internet to inform you about the service they deliver to you. I don’t have fancy tracking software. I can only see a top 5 of countries in the current month that are trending at that time. I write down the location in my article. 

            I hope you want to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. It’s the type of community I miss in my current life, since there are so many problems in our world that need more immediate solutions. They can’t keep on going like this. I have ideas I would like to put into practice, but that is only when you elect me as Praesens [long story…] of Re-Illu. 

            Every time I write for a deadline [the book The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum includes two previous deadlines and a bonus chapter] the the climax of my writing speed is around three days before the actual deadline. Now I’m starting a little bit earlier…?

            Moet ik mijn tanden bleken? Ik heb dat nog nooit eerder gedaan, believe me. 

            Mini fangs¿

            It has been soo long since I’ve seen my eyes change.

            And since I’ve used this camera angle. “Who do I look like…”

            With this data package at my webhost, I can’t upload videos from my phone. 

            My lack of success is the reason why I find it hard to smile for a picture. 



            I’m ashamed of this facial expression. Yet still I share it. I intend to do things differently from the mainstream. 

            Okayy back to writing. Somehow often I’m in the mood to write, slightly tired, but not willing to go to sleep and eager to get myself to more comfortable working space. Hiding tears 24/7 yay

            After I’ve made myself my night time tea (I need to get more regular with following my doctor’s advice against insomnia)…

             The D.O.C.I.S. article will be edited live. As I upload this, it is 02:52 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. [I wonder what time that is in your timezone, my international Cuddles ♥. You could follow the editing of the article live.] After I’ve made the tea and selected something to eat, haha. That will about 10 minutes starting from 03:07 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. I’ll make a comment section where you could comment on it below. I hope you will! 

            If you would check my phone’s system time, I swear you would see that this picture is taken on 03:16 and this clock is still on Summer time and I’m way too lazy to change it. 




            So now anyone can comment, if I configured it well… It’s a major risk move, when it comes to the protection of self-history blended into shared (environmental, often current) history and the risk of people hacking my website… But it’s the only way for me to get to know my audience, since I – other than what came with my web names – have no fancy tracking software, unlike the Dutch government, haha. 


            I’m making my bed

            Je kan de springveren er doorheen zien zitten [klinkt als een spreekwoord hahahahahahahahahahahahah]

            Feel free to influence what I’m talking about, through the comment section. I’m curious about what you’ll have to say. 

            I think my anonymous audience is much larger than I can see. I feel like other people know secrets that everyone in my environments hides from me. 

            You are, of course, free to say whatever. I hope this will be a loving and fruitful comment section. If you don’t like what I write, but yet still you read everything, and you want to write some hateful shit, go ahead, too, of course. I intend to respond to every single comment and I might be able to, depending on how many people will be placing comments. You don’t have to share your personal information (name and email) , because I care more about what you have to say, than I care about marketing.  

            I’m too driven to make my deadline to follow my doctor’s advice about resting, currently. Typing that reminds me that I need to make an appointment for the urine test to find out why there are white blood cells in my urine and for osteopathy. I intend to see the doctor after the deadline, because it takes so much time and I can’t relax when I have a deadline… The deadline is not that serious if I have no audience. This – the placing of the comment section – is a moment of truth. It’s good that it’s included now, because now you know my backgound. I hope what the turn out will be. (On the 30th… I hope I can get some pre-hype…) 

            By the way, did you know that I’m super crazy? 

            Here are some other pictures I made today and yesterday, but I hadn’t uploaded them yet. 

            Sometimes I make jokes to the Head Cuddle and then laugh about it myself

            And then I start missing someone…

            Dealing with the CuddleFace (it’s a type of facial expression…)

            Back to thinking: “What type of facial expression suits my writing where I’ll upload this…?”


            Almost my natural facial expression with reference to my current emotions

            Trying to crack a smile part 629


            My second meal of the day


            Yay. My steak was sooooooooo goooooood meoooww

            It’s 07:20 am now. I’m off to bed… Good morning ♥ hahaha. See you later 😀


            Good afternoon ♥

            What are your thoughts on me placing a comment section below a diary post? 

            It’s quite controversial, since I sometimes discuss things that concern us all – mostly related to our global environment – and sometimes I get lost the negative feelings I get from suppression in my local environment. 

            [Ref to “our global environment”] What are your views on environmental change? I don’t read any scientific news. My views are intuitive and the common knowledge I remember from when I was in school. If I were to follow scientific news, I can only truly trust it, when I hear it from the scientist him or herself. 

            If you like gazing at the TV screen 24/7, chances are high that you and I live in completely different worlds. Interesting, isn’t it? 
            [Ref to “sometimes…suppression”] From that one picture with that one angle

            [I must say that I like the picture]

            It has been so long since I’ve made slight eye contact on a picture [in real life, too, but that still depends on how much I like the person I’m with at that time. If I disagree with that person’s views too much and because of that person’s persistence, the only way for me to make this person see what I mean is by screaming, but I think screaming at each other isn’t good and that person will probably never understand, I just avoid eye contact and try to calm myself down internally 

            I’m now quite certain that the people I’ve called my parents all my life are not my parents. I wonder if my real papa reads this. AND I WONDER WHY THE FUCK I’M STILL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE. PLEASE STOP WITH JUST WATCHING ME TYPE!!! TYPING AS MUCH AS I DO ISN’T EVEN HEALTHY. I want to live with papa!! But they’ve separated me from him with police and all that shit… I need someone with more power to be able to be with my real father, who I believe is my other half. He’s also one of the few people who’ll understand the full content of my book series.  

            My last name – Elia – says that I’m already living with papa, since it is mister Elia’s house where I have my bedroom in. If my last name, Elia, is the right name for me, I would be of Surinamese Creole, Boeroe (offspring of Dutch slave owners in Suriname), Surinamese Native [from my mother’s side], Jamaican and Bahamian [from mister Elia’s side] descent. 

            I think my eyes tell a different story. I think being Surinamese Creole, Boeroe, Surinamese Native [my mother] and an Italian mix [*the origin of professor Crutzen…* I don’t know his exact origin (YET, RIGHT?)] makes more sense. 

            Our paths crossed by coincidence, when I was in his lectures in the second block of IBEB in 2016. Then, I didn’t know that he was my father. I don’t carry his last name, so believe me. 

            Do you know more about this? Who was involved in the decision making process, when I was given my birth name (Dominique Daniëlle Elia)? 

            Mind you that I’ve recovered from severe memory loss several times. My habit of writing is something I do to make sure that I never forget myself again. Restoring my memory I do by reading back. Before I started to write online this year, I’ve been writing old school, with pen and paper, all my life. 

            Me saying that I suddenly think that someone I’ve been having a crush on could be my actual father and then directly saying his name here [I’ll do it again (since he’s all over my diary in previous posts and people might not memorize what they read): Benoît Crutzen], sparks so many different emotions:

            • I feel anger mixed with hysteria from the thought of mister and misses Elia casually keeping me from him, with the deal they made with the police and some parties in the Dutch psychiatric industry. They had been telling me that Benoît isn’t real and that he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Every day I begged to see him and they kept giving me antipsychotics because of that. 
            • I feel that I might feel relief and happiness in the future, if I’d be reunited with my B ♥. Some positively powerful external parties will need to regard attention to this, though, to make sure we get out of this complicated scheme alive – I’m saying without being assassinated – since we naturally know far too much about a corrupt scheme, to be reaching out to the public. They know we’ll end up exposing them, because they can’t go on sabotaging our world like this. 
            • I feel sad about the moments my emotions wanted me to feel a loving fatherly embrace [basically always…], and he wasn’t there. 
            • I feel anger from them LETTING ME LIVE A LIE and embarrassed about me believing the lie and telling people that I’m Bahamian and Jamaican….

            This makes me think: am I supposed to receive child support? May I be paid in Cuddles?♥ If mister and misses Elia are receiving it without telling me: my income is so low that I can’t pay for my own food and shelter. Ik zou echt zo onbeschrijfelijk boos worden als ze dat met me hebben gedaan… That’s why I live in this house instead of on my own. 

            I pray that the success in terms of engagement from the free ebook will lead investors to me, and that the success that comes from that will allow me to constitute D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang as an independent state, on which I can live with people who want the same type of freedom, who are willing to work for that the way I did. 

            If it’s true that biologically, I should have been named Dominique Daniëlle Crutzen, I INSIST THAT THIS BECOMES OFFICIALLY AND LEGALLY CHANGED RIIIIGHT NOW [but typing this will not change my captivation so please help haha]. I AM A BUSINESS OWNER. MY BIRTH NAME SHOULD BE CORRECT. That name sounds sexier, too. If we’re changing my name, I want it to even become Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen. Consider Lucy the controversial tattoo that will make dumb people think I’m Satan’s spawn, while I mean a modernized version of the Latin words “lux ferre”, which means “light bringer”.

            I’m still in bed and I haven’t eaten anything yet. I need to cook dinner tonight. What to make? I wish people would respect my deadline and not give me childish tasks “I need to learn for when I grow up”. If I were to live on my own – I might not have the money for it, but I do know how to run a household – I wouldn’t have to cook for four people but just one or something. And it’s “four Surinamese people” so trippy portions. 

            By “Feel free to influence what I’m talking about,” I meant that I would love it if you’d ask me questions, I could then elaborately answer in the diary post. It could be about anything, sensitive topics included too, of course, since they need attention, too. 


            En dit was de druppel die mij in een ander systeem wil laten leven:



            Currently, I’m my own accountant, but for this, especially because of the anonymous “viral” popularity of my website, they’ll want to put dirt on me and come out as the party the public loves, so they might ambush me one day to check my books and then want to frame me for shit. My parents might be able to give you so much money, but if I WOULD HAVE €5000 TO SPEND I WOULD BE IN MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN CALIFORNIA RIGHT NOW. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS.


            The thing is also that with D.O.C.I.S. International, when this company might get its first investors after the release of the second episodes, I want to become the biggest player in the game. So then, a fine of €5000 also doesn’t even suit the income model of the organization, since we’ll be making  billions then and thus our taxes would be a looot more as well. But by then I want to have moved to the U.S. BECAUSE THE FUCKING INSANE GOVERNMENT OF THIS COUNTRY THAT IS DESTROYING THE EARTH WITH ITS EXISTENCE – I’M TALKING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS – IS MILKING ITS CITIZENS FOR TAX MONEY AND THEY GIVE NOTHING BUT DISASTER, DISEASE AND DESTRUCTION IN RETURN. GOD DAMMIT I NEED A PUNCHING BAAAAAAG. 











            *Sarcastic yay* fucking grocery shopping for fucking dinner. Solo, as usual. 

            If they want to give me an ankle bracelet: I’d rather get the death penalty or go to jail, just so you know. Fuck this house. But I hope together with my lawyer my innocence will be proved. The thing with the public is that I think my material is far too complex for them and thus opinions will be formed based on what other people say about it instead of what you hear from me. In this society, news is always about people doing things bad, and thus even my intentions are good, the FUCKING SHEEEEEEEEEEEP will play the “Oh my goddd eww did you know Lil Fangs blah blah this and that…”-game. While I’M TRYING TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO WORK TOGETHER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  

            Je denkt toch niet dat ik voor mijn plezier bij de ANWB werkte? 

            Ohh by the way, these motherfuckers will get €65 and not €215 BECAUSE THAT €5000+ IS SUCH BULLSHIT OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW DARE YOUUUUUU. FIND A REAL WAY TO EARN BIIIIIIIITCH. 



            This country is so obsessed with discussing vague shit like this. Those conversations don’t fucking lead to anything. Take actionnnnnnnnn

            The only reason why I go to the supermarket, is because I want that the food I make has nutrutional value and the way my mother does grocery shopping is different. Even though it might not be visible, I care a lot about sustainability. I, for example, used a smaller bowl for my marinade, so that there are less dishes and thus the dish washer doesn’t have to be on as often. 

            My marinade is of thyme, paprika powder and hoisin sauce

            I GIVE MY RECIPE DRAFTS AWAY FOR FREE. IF YOU KNEW THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH I’VE DECIDED TO GIVE INSTEAD OF TO TAKE, AND YET ALL PEOPLE DO IS THROW SHADE FROM A DISTANCE. Not all people, of course, but the fact that it happens is such a thorn in my eye. 


            Every. Time. I think my bad luck has reached its climax, and then it becomes worse. I hope my book release will bring me to safety. 

            To make my deadline, I’ll have to cut down on writing in my diary… But it’s so addictive ah meoww…


            Simple dinner is served. 

            I wish I could try fruits and vegetables I’ve never tried before, though

            I mashed the potatoes with red coal, cinnamon and spinach. 



            I’m enthusiastic about getting high after dinner and working further on my book release. 


            The coffeeshop that sells weed to the customer pays tax to the government, in the Dutch “Gedoogdbeleid”. 

            Once a day keeps the doctor away?

            Blog, Images, Online Diary

            Friday, November 23, 2018



            I just managed to get myself out of bed. 

            How’s your day?  

            I hope it’s great as far as life can be great in this fucking sheepy and unnecessarily violent world. 

            My hands are shaking out of hunger, but there’s no food I’m in the mood for. 

            Did you know I’m anti supermarket? It drains all of the quality out of food. 

            What to make, of which I haven’t made a variation yet? 90% of things are past due. In my household, I would do grocery shopping based on what I’ll eat and not throw shit in the cart like it’s a basketball game. 

            I’m just going to fry an egg with some vegetables. And plantain? 

            Be right backk. I want to continue to elaborate on what exactly pisses me off and thus should change about today’s global culture. And I want to vent some things about the heartache I’ve lived with all my life and how this could have been caused by growing up without my father. We can’t take back the time we’ve missed together, but if this is true, we damn sure need to live together, because I don’t want this heartache to persist. It would be crazy to find out. I don’t remember what my mother has told me when I was little. I solely remember the scene, because I get short vivid flashbacks from my youth every now and then. (Especially when I’m high…) It would be beyond crazy (but comfortingly cool) to realize that our paths have crossed again, by coincidence. But then my heart aches from the thought of him seeing me and me talking to him, while I didn’t know that he’s my father. I just saw him as the mysterious man who made such a good impression on me that I fell in love with him and the way our personalities are the same, until that flashback from a conversation with my mother, when she came for a night time conversation, before going to bed, when I was about 4 years old. My sister wasn’t there yet. I remember her bringing me children’s books about sexuality and conversations about my identity. That was what I saw in that flashback of the high of a few days ago. That made me think of that the deeper connection between us could just be our DNA? Then it’s also possible to have a Head Cuddle (natural¿) device for sure. He was 25 when I was 0 and my mother was 34? “My father” (mister Elia) was about 27. 

            Do I have to wait until I’m 25 to see him again? I fucking hope not because my heartache makes me pissed, because it’s solvable but I depend on others in this. And I’m hungry. 

            My heart also aches from the thought of me sitting across him, and him then playing along in my conversation, without mentioning that I’m his daughter, and I didn’t know… If I knew, I would live with my father by now and this traumatizing life would have been a very distant memory. 

            I don’t know how to feel about my mother. The way she “softens herself”, mentioning everything she can’t do al all other things related to failure in detail, makes me feel so sorry for her. At the same time, her words can easily split my heart in two, but when I want to express the anger it causes, I naturally hold back, because I know that I could completely destroy her with my words. But she really needs to start letting me go, because this house brings back sooo many memories I do NOT want to cross my mind. I’VE LIVED HERE SINCE I WAS 8. EXACTLY THIS FAMILY SETTING. IF I KNEW HE WAS MY FATHER THEN, and I would have had the knowledge of life and snakes I have today, I WOULD [if I’ve ever been given the option to live with my father already, they’ll definitely have used peer pressure on me, saying shit like: “You’re used to living with us, now. Are you sure you want to move in with a strange man? We love you so much blah blah. HEY IF YOU’VE ASKED ME THIS, PLEEEASEEE ASK AGAIN!!!] HAVE MOVED IN WITH HIM FOR SUREE. ADOPT MEEE. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAMEE. My meow :'(.

            It seems quite like me to hit on him when I was a kid… I was much more sexually confident and curious back then. (Now it’s “zzzzzz” towards most people.) These days I don’t even hit on people anymore. Most of them just convince themselves that I’m attracted to them and then things could lead to sex without me having that intention. I’m waiting for this super grey (not literally) and very intelligent model-like Cuddle from a good family. 

            I’ll leave you with this quote I saw in the status of someone. I didn’t say anything to that person, of course, because why would I start a conversation about how seeing that quote made me want to fight someone. If someone would cite this to me, that person would get bitch slapped for sure:

            “If you feel like you’re losing everything, remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and wait for better days to come.”


            If you feel fucked up, it’s important to get all of the “fucked up” out of your system, so DO NOT EVER GIVE SOMEONE A FUCKING SHITTY COMPARISON AS A REASON TO SUPPRESS NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. 

            Also, standing tall and waiting isn’t going change much to the life of a human being, if you don’t at least put in a very slight bit of effort. 


            Zoek de verschillen. What type of vegetable have I added? [By means of entertainment. I know that it’s a *bleep*.] <- I keep adding “I’m not motherfucking goddamn stupid” disclaimers to my forms of creativity, because in my environment people keep wanting to prove that “I don’t understand life”


            When I said “”just” fry an egg”, I meant that I’m actually in the mood for a four course meal, but the groceries we have and 

            How do I make clear that after the book release I need active outspoken engagement for a different legal form of business? Did you know that if I would get an investor in this type of “rechtsvorm” [ = type of legally registered business. A registered Dutch sole proprietorship I have currently] and I would fuck up, I would be accountable for every single penny? I bet there are already people there waiting for me to make a small mistake, so that they can make money claims. That’s why it’s important that I make my deadline. As long as I release anything… 

            I miss how my sister and I used to cuddle. Our conversations sound like TV show dialogues now :(.

            For my €2 retirement fund squad niqqus, I’m letting you know:

            Fuck this shit. If you read between the lines, it says: “WE’RE SCREWED”

            How is my generation in this country ever going to be able to pay the pensioenen? [In the end, it’s tax money, right… Since the investment rollercoaster didn’t end well.] I consider myself the only leader in this generation. (I’m talking about other 22 year olds and me.) The rest just wants to keep up the same malfunctioning system and then use social media to point out everything that’s going wrong, without doing something about it. 

            I deleted my Reddit account earlier today, since no one responded to my request and I don’t like this “like, comment and share” type of social media at all, actually. I prefer private web space… Join the clubb

            Part of me feels like I’m going to choke while awake, from the thought of being alone with my mother… After the US and Germany and stuff, the way she keeps me in her house makes me feel like I’m done talking for the rest of my life. But my heart can’t hurt her, because she’s so weak already… 

            Quite a few weeks ago, when I was having lunch with mister and misses Elia [so “my parents”, unless I’m right about Elia not being my right last name. If they got married while she was pregnant with someone else, I should have either had her last name or my real father’s last name. So Hanenberg or……….. I’m afraid to say the other, cooler, potential last name, because it will sound so “schizophrenic”, when I’m wrong… She would carry this secret to her grave so someone please help. It’s hard for me to talk to her.]******

            Oh, and to the people who have seen the final financial construction of D.O.C.I.S. International in one of my stalker messages: me as a financial entity stands for accountability. I only survive if I have the trust of the majority. Otherwise the empire falls. 

            I really want to follow another lecture or go past his office. But I’m afraid of missing out on him and then just standing there while people see me and then they might recognize me from all of the bullshit drama and then gossip about me :(. 

            My brain would explode [HEY NOT LITERALLY] if I would find out that my mother FUCKING KNOWS HIM. AND THAT SHE’D THEN HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER, WHILE I ONLY HAVE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS AND A PHONE NUMBER FROM his public web page x_x. 

            Ah meow, my sister also sings below the volume level of the speaker, in the shower, just like me. [Thin walls. I’m on the toilet. That’s why I can hear it haha awkward¿] It sounds so beautiful &#x1F63B;😻. Sucks that we’re both used to being laughed at for a certain type of romanticized self-expression. She should join the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign =0. 


            When I think of my status and my finances, I regret quitting my studies at Erasmus University. This would have been my graduation year. I wanted to study the Bahamian economy for my internship (because it’s “small”, I thought I had my roots there as well and I fucking love it there so much) and write a thesis, basically about what I’m putting into practice now. I’m also still not over not being elected as a student representative. I would have better side-job options and in this fucking society people only believe that you’re fit to come up with business strategies after you have a title and when you start the introduction of yourself with the university where you graduated. Only then people think: “Oh, you must be good in business,” and then they buy your shit, and that is what, in the end, since in this economy people want to make profit (which is such an empty goal), determines your success.

            Meoww I can write a real fucking revolutionary thesis for you without cramming “dust” (pun) into my head to shortly memorize it for a grade. All I need is a laptop, some books, a Graeyniss [to tell me that I’m using the right formatting] and some space to work. May I get a PhD in return? Money would be nice, too. I would give you free international promotion for you – the way I’m doing now, but then better – and I could also propose an intense change of the level of creativity in the type of education “sold”. I’m not part of the group who graduates and then doesn’t know what knowledge had to be memorized for the degree. My grades were shit, but I still know what an Edgeworth box is. 

            Ikea here we comeee.

            Please ambush me, my Cuddle. I want a cuddles from you & #x1F64A;🙊.

            Traffic is intensee. Can you imagine what the roads would look like if the dikes were to flood and people will try to drive out of the country? I would do that for sure. That’s why it’s better for me to move abroad, because you’re going to need me when new leaders/real leaders are needed. My “street wisdom” is one of a kind. 

            In September (not October,  by the way @ ref to other article), I did some online marketing. It’s visible. For the release, I’ll use it again and this time I’m using a free eBook, so I hope numbers will increase and an international community will surface

            Of course I’ll guide it, but I’m doing so much work for this that I don’t know if I can do that on top of the other things as well. As in I hope to see some initiative. 

            I hope people don’t think that my work is Netflix and that you have to save up episodes and wait until the “season” is finished, so that it can be binge read/watched. With the material of one episode – I am asking you questions in the episode, but that is not visible in the preview, because I’m the type of publisher who doesn’t give away all of the highlights in the introduction – you’ll definitely be able to last until the next release. It’s also not “Oh first episode. That’s just an introduction and I don’t give a fuck about the characters, so I’m skipping it.” Then please just don’t look at the second episode either, because I need passionate people in my organization. 

            Barendrecht by the wayy.

            Haha I’ve started so many Project X’s without a turn out x_x. Dutch people might be surprised that I’m still alive. I am, too, ahahahaha.

            By the way, with the €2 squad, I was indirectly referring to myself as well. 


            Excuse my Project X sadness. It would just be funny asf, because my audience is so Cuddle. I don’t have a crew or anything that would entertain you if there were more than a small group talking to me. Also, it would just be awkward if my mother were there, too? I’m very sad to say that I can’t share my Graeyniss with her. On multiple levels if my father is this sexy bed catt. Kom eten¿ We’re in a restaurant again ahahahahahaha. 


            So the mattress I found the most comfortable was “too expensive”. (I hope she’s not watching her spendings because she’s a fraud as well… I know money is not that tight for her in actuality, but if you think spending it on me is a waste, I’ll remember that.) 


            So I chose this one

            But it was a not foldable mattress, unlike my sister’s, so it wouldn’t fit into the car and thus we didn’t buy it. The plan was to put a mattress of 140 cm broad on my 120 cm broad bed base [mooie alliteratie?], temporarily, and then come back for the bed frame another time. My Wirbelsäule really needs a better mattress, so I agreed, but it’s all just embarrassing in an unprofessional way, from my side. I’m “Lil Fangs” and I go to Ikea with my mother and she pays for me. She mentioned that we then have to rent a van for the mattress.  I thought, “But if we don’t do that, then I could invest that budget in a better mattress…” I said that it feels like such unnecessary effort for only a mattress and that I would rather use that van to move. “Where are you going, then?” she asked. I didn’t explode externally, but I did explode internally. How the fuck can you ask me that, if you know that I don’t have anything? She knows I want to move to California. And she could easily help me with this and with the increase in earnings I would get from making a much more professional impression, I would share with her. But fuck this figurative heart stabbing. 

            So I now have this baby

            “Ga je bidden of zo?” was another question I got. Ah meoww yess. My room is hideous, so I really couldn’t make a “full room” picture with it – because it just looks embarrassing – but I’m very happy with it! Now I can meditate and lay and spend more time in my room instead of downstairs. It also makes my room feel more homely for some reason.