My love ♥
How are you? I’ve been missing you. I love it when our minds intertwine from having a similar outlook on life. We know what euphoria feels like, but know (emotional) heartache in the exact same way.
This post is titled “Buckle Up”, for it seems like I’m taking you along on my journey of biting down (happy I have that anti-knars bitje) and keeping my head up for three years, before I can resume all that I’ve been working on and have that work acknowledged. Het moet dan maar. Why is life constructed in this way. 🙁 It is draining the gifted. 🙁
If I had put my current effort into my economics studies, I would have been an honor student with ease. Now I’m basically working hard to not fall out of the boat. If continue like this, I will make it. But things like playing basketball and writing books I will have to sacrifice to scour the internet for texts that further explain the reason(ing) behind the material that seems revision for anyone but me. This far, I can follow all that is explained, but do not have the feeling like I can now answer any question about it on a test.
Meow in the end all I want to be able to do is translate the concepts for societal reform and financial reform, to mathematics. With signs and symbols that are not used yet, for they describe new concepts that do not look like the concepts that determine our lives today. What we’ve been doing this far – aside from Calculus – does not add to that, but it seems like with hydrodynamics and hydrostatics I will be able to explain how and why (especially after it having been highed up several times) there’s no way back after a dyke floods. (And if it happens now, I live on the 7th floor. 🙂 )
I look forward to financial mathematics sooo muchhh! The next semester seems so far away, though 2019 goes by pretty fast.
I’m striving towards 0 resits. Simultaneously, I just want to work on my own models. But it seems like I really have to put my own endeavors on hold and follow the flock for the coming 3 years. I fear that my depression will get worse from this, but I see no other way to accomplish what I wish to accomplish.
My head is throbbing, my nose is runny, I sneeze every minute and I get dizzy crazy fast. It was my intention to cycle to school today, but I woke up feeling so messed up that I couldn’t even leave my bed. If I would have cycled, I’d have passed out for sure.
Those tissues are thus not from me having a mental breakdown from having to conform to the system and let go of the work I am so passionate about. The tissues are because I have the flu or a cold or something.
Ah meow my family (including my grandmothers) were here Saturday and we’ve finished the essentials of my apartment. 🙂
It was fun. And they were all expressing how proud they are to see me live on my own.
One of grandmothers called me the next day to express that again and her blessings. And to ask me if I was going to visit the Netherlands. And to state that – for when I mentioned my studies, I mentioned that I will lose my home if I fail – if I lose my home, I will also lose all love and support. My gut already warned me for that. Now it is confirmed.
Today, though I feel messed up, I really have to go past the laundry store because I have 0 clothes left. And I should ask for the right key for my mailbox (and ask if my name tag can still be changed because I asked for first letters and last name and not first name and last letters 🙁 ). And I should call Rabobank to cancel that bank account I don’t use but do pay for, and call Scarlet to ask when someone can come and insta my internet, as well as give them my correct number.
And then, of course, get to linear algebra and geometry, getallen en verzamelingen and calculus (and catch up the physics I missed today). Today is also the first basketball training, but it seems like I won’t be doing that at all.
I’m so tired. 🙁 And sick of suppressing the inspiration I have for my endeavors. But I hope this day of being sick bed petje contributes to being healthy and sharp for my 10:45 – 18:00 day tomorrow.
I’ll be baxk when I’m at the laundry store. xxx
13:00 (01:00 PM) [GMT -2]
Meanwhile I’ve also gone to the Lidl for a new box of tissues. I switched to kitchen paper yesterday.
Something I’ve also done in the meantime is send a request to transition my education program from mathematics to applied economics with a focus on economic policy. I chose mathematics because I want a serious challenge, and the potential acknowledgement of my models, but with the type of mathematical thinking that is expected of me as foreknowledge, with no written source available to catch up, I see keeping this up is suicide. It’s better for me to switch to something I know I can do, while I still can.
When I was putting my grandfather’s books in my bookcase, I was already thinking that economics suits the knowledge I already have a lot better. I can continue my studies of evolutionary economics and will have more time to breathe. Plus what I learn I can implement in my business – the business that will continue to exist – right away.
Truthfully, I don’t want to do any of this. The only reason why I’m doing this is because people don’t take my academic reasoning seriously without at least one academic degree. (Bet there are a lot of people who do not want me to be able to do what I can do with and without a degree anyway. But when I have a degree there’s no way around it.) Studying the mandatory contents of a pre-determined program is more awful with that motivation behind it. But that seems to be life. 🙂
Speaking of life, I really wonder what the conclusion of the psychiatric surveillance people in Rotterdam will be coming Friday.
When I was having lunch with my mother after having signed my rental agreement Thursday two weeks ago, I saw my case manager called me and – something I often do regardless who it is because I simply really really really do not like phone calls – let it go to voicemail. Not much later my mother’s phone rang and she clicked decline. When I asked her who that was, the said it was my case manager.
Last Friday, she called me again when I was 20 minutes early for my physics lecture. I figured to make this surveillance shit stop permanently I can’t keep avoiding conversation with those people forever. So I picked up.
We hadn’t spoken each other in quite a long time. I was asked about my holiday (I assume to Curaçao but it could have even been Egmond), nothing about the presentation I gave (wonder if they took that seriously, since to them I am still a schizophrenic), if my studies have started and if I have found an apartment. There was a little silence after I said that I moved to Antwerp, and my question if they shouldn’t leave me alone because the region of Rotterdam is their territory and have – especially because there is no warrant for me – no authority at all past the Dutch border.
That we should consider ambulante or particuliere zorg in Belgium was the response I got to that. I said that if – with the emphasis on if – I choose to request any type of care at all, it will be particulier and not ambulant via een GGZ instelling bleghhh.
Doctor Helberg has logged the truth anyway so, aside from keeping their file in case I ever get the courage to sue them, the shit they have been logging about me can be used to light a cozy bonfire.
Truthfully, I have no interest in more therapy. All I ever wanted is my medical record in the Netherlands to show the truth about me, so that when employers – if they don’t already – get the authority to view their employee’s medical records, it shows “high intelligence makes her feel lonely” and not “she’s a mentally insane, unpredictable schizophrenic with a learning problem”. That’s all.
Furthermore, I know my depression will seize to exist when I’m not financially dependent on my parents anymore and when I see my societal concepts in practice.
Man I wish I could just write a book full of papers and let that count as triple promotion. I have many reasons why I don’t even try. The main reason is that I feel in no position to defend my high intelligence. I’m one of the oldest people there. (And the program for entrepeneur students is – regardless if the business is established or not – for second year students.) Now I’m going to throw away another 3 years of life. I don’t like beer that much anyway. 🙁
My laundry is done and I’m going to make my education program switch official. Ciaooo xxx
17:13 (05:13 PM)