My Graeynissis ♥ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays ♥ ♥ ♥ ]

Thank you for checking in on me today. ♥ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this.

[Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused to receive a car instead of an apartment in Antwerp.]
It was my intention to have another phoneless day, yesterday. I had just uploaded yesterday’s status update. While I was writing this and after that, I heard my cousin’s friend knock on the door several times – she wanted to go to the beach with us but her parents wanted to leave at 10 AM so she wanted to play with my cousin in the morning – and that my cousin was awake (from hearing her turn on her Nintendo 3DS and her visiting the bathroom).

I didn’t want to open the door either. Even to me that person was crazy annoying. Constantly demanding my attention “Look I can do a cart wheel” “Look I can do a somersault in the water” “Look at our pool (inflatable tub)” look at this look at that all the time and my reaction was “Oh nice!” all the time. At some point she complained that I always say “nice” and that I should use more words. Grinding my teeth, I said “Nice things are nice because they’re nice,” she not knowing what the fuck I even said because I purposely said it in English. If I were honest, I would have said: “WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE TO ME?” Stupid 13-year-old narcissist who plays with lego.

Hoping that she wouldn’t walk around the cabin and start knocking on our bedroom windows, I had my eyes on the clock. I had to laugh about the situation – thinking God will punish me for doing this – and had folded myself into a blanket caterpillar, posting some tweets and texting my mother. About something completely different.

Scusami I’m going to have some breakfast and will be back xxx

Updated 11:57 (AM) [GMT +2]

~~~

I wish I knew counter-affection 🙁

Fangs: “Yesss I look forward to being my own interior designer. 😀 But study financing comes all the way in October (the school year starts at the end of September)… ”

Mother: “Preferrably Wednesday (next week for we’re in Egmond until Sunday).”

Fangs: “Niceeeeee. 😀 I namely fear that someone else claims the apartment before I do. So the sooner the better. 😀 😀 (I thought it was going to be next Friday instead of Wednesday.)”

Mother: “Second hand stuff, stuff from home and a new bed”

I’d rather purchase items that are better long-term of which I can be proud, which are new (but cheap because I can’t afford expensive).

My affection 🙁

Fangs: “Or cheap Ikea… But indeed stuff from home too I can take my closet along for example. And my kluzu. (Marnix (my high school) slang-ish for locker.) (There’s a locker in my room.)”

I’d rather purchase the cheapest Ikea items I can find regardless of the way they look, than buy used furniture.

Mother: “It doesn’t have to be done all at once.”

Fangs: “No only a bed and a table are important. Hmmm before or after Curaçao…?”

Honestly placing furniture into a small apartment can be done all at once. But I depend on my parents in this so all I can do is obey and try to have a little influence. I’m still going to move out as soon as I can move in. Even if I’d only have a mattress on the floor.

Mother: “And then slowly build it up. What?”

A.k.a. I might be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but at least I’ll have my own space and that will make me the happiest person on the planet. Please don’t say “What?” 🙁

Fangs: “I can probably move in before you’re back from Curaçao. But the school year starts from…”

A standard rent contract starts at the first of the month and I’m not going to travel back and forth after the one-hour delay of my train the first time I went there already. My parents are going to Curaçao for a week longer than my sister and I.

Ughhhhh 🙁

Fangs: “But the year starts from September 24th so principally that doesn’t matter.”

Mother: “Noooo, slow down. Your father also still has to get used to the idea of you wanting to live in Antwerp. He would rather buy you a car.”

My blood started to boil but I kept my cool because I still financially depend on them (and they’re screwing me over so fucking much every time). Because seriously, I’ve been in debt since age 18 or something and only when I might finally move out, that’s when he wants to buy me a car so that it will take even longer before I move out? Let me the fuck go man I feel like I’m held hostage and everyone is just watching it. 🙁 They want me to move out when I’m 40 and then live two blocks away so that they can come by for dinner every day.

Fangs: “Ah sweet but I need a degree to afford (the maintenance of) that car and I have 40 hours or something of school per week so it’s better that I move there.”

What the fuuuuuuck. 🙁 It sounds so crazy that I’m turning down a car – of course I want a car – but more importantly I want to distance myself of the grip my parents have on me. That goes at the cost of anything.  Even if I’d have to kill them and buy a car and a deserted island from my fucking inheritance.

Mother: “He wants to pay for (all of) it. But I already said that travelling there and back every day is too tiring”

That is my greatest problem. I never build up any finance because my parents always give me the assets and never the money to buy the assets. If they would give me that money he was going to use to buy a car for me then everything will be settled for me moving out and moving on.

I’m trying my very best not to lose it

Fangs: “I know what to do with that money if I could get that as a business investment I could buy my matte grey Audi RS7 (sportback) within no time. But (currently) the most important is that degree and the least tiring way towards that (thus not driving to Antwerp and back for three years or something).”

For years I’ve been asking my father for a business investment and for years he has been saying that I’m not worth the investment. And my mother speaks of buying second-hand furniture. And now just like that he wants to buy me a car for which I know he doesn’t need a loan to buy it. I can buy brand new furniture with that budget they want to use to buy me a car. No idea what car he was going to try to bribe me with but honestly I don’t even want to know because this all hurts so much. Were they really expecting me to say “Oh never mind I’ll just stay home for another year and cook twice a week yay I have a car now thank you daddy”? I’m not fucking stupid meow let me go. 🙁 Antwerp is empty nest syndrome check-mate. Let them just enjoy their other daughter who does like and love them.

Mother: “Right. And I find it beautiful that you now have this goal and that you now can hold on to it.”

Of course I can hold on to this. I’m doing all of this to get some space to breathe, away from them. She always insinuates that I change my goals in life around like it’s nothing, but never in my life have I changed the goal I’m working towards. I’ve only started a new strategy every time another one didn’t work out. She doesn’t understand how I’m going to use Mathematics to spark that same revolution (maybe in a way that is even better).

Fangs: “Yesss I now owe them a year of tuition ahahahahaha”

I’m saying this because they sound like they’re going to back out and they said that they were going to pay my tuition.

Mother: “Behind the scenes I’m busy with your father. He is worried and has his own ideas. I do understand him, it’s a bit scary for him, that you want to move out (by yourself)…”

Ew first sentence construction. Empathy, too, will not make me change my mind about how I just refused a car. If I could get that money from someone else I would be saved so much of this headache. I hate negotiating with my parents because I always end up settling for something that I don’t want.

My god please help meeeeee

Mother: “… His eldest daughter. Yes, that tuition will be taken care of.”

Is he even my actual biological father? If not why is he making decisions for me? And even if yes, I’m fucking 22 and not incompetent so please just fucking cooperate for one. 🙁 Why the fuck does my future depend on their shit.

Fangs: “I understand that it’s a tense situation for the both of you. But this is just Belgium and not even the United States (“Verenigde Staten”) where I want to obtain my PhD. We’re starting off easily. :D”

She’s wording this like only my father is suffering from empty nest syndrome. That’s why I say “the both of you”. It should have been “We’re starting off slow,” but it clearly is not. This is already a headache and I haven’t even started the negotiations with them in person yet. I reallyyyyy don’t want to negotiate with them in person ever again, the previous times in my life that I endured that were so traumatic.

Speaking of traumatic I JUST SAW A MOUSEEEEEEEEE IN THIS FUCKING CABIN. 🙁 I’m afraid it will bite me. 🙁 And eat my food. 🙁 Plus I have so many items laying on the floor in my room here oh my god nooo. 🙁 🙁 🙁

I’m going to call him Jacques. 🙁 I’m in shock ahahahahaha. I can hear it nibble on shit.

Updated 13:27 (01:27 M) [GMT +2]

~~~

Would making a trace of breadcrumbs make Jacques come out here alive and let us both live freely? I’m currently with my feet on the couch like a scared Catje. 🙁 I don’t want to move but I should do the dishes and make myself more food. Help. 🙁 You see this is why I need a sexy Graeyniss. 🙁

Who else can I tell this

Mother: “We will get used to it quickly. Especially when we see that you’re having a good time there.”

That’s not even what I want. I want more distance and less supervision.

Fangs: “Whatever it takes that will be fine.”

Fangs: “A MOUSEEEEEEEEE. UNDERNEATH THE FRIDGE OH MY GOD. 🙁 ”

Jacques is hella photogenic. Come catch and adopt him please dear any Dutch animal lover willing to come to the Sint-Adelbertusweg 31 to pick up this mouse (and het FangCatje) please. Please please 🙁

🙁

Mother: “Ooh nooooo. 🙁 Do make sure that at least everything that can be eaten is in plastic containers. If necessary fill the rice container with sachets of food.”

I don’t want to do fucking anything. Fuck this. 🙁 As if I didn’t think of the food. But still fuck all of this meow I’ve had it. 🙁

Now that I’m in scared cat mode I can continue the rest of my story on this – by the way – very rainy day. I should untie my braids as well but then I’ll have to wash my hair and what if Jacques is in the shower. 🙁 I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see him well meow my feet are bare this is not yay. 🙁

That girl started knocking at 08:30 AM, then came back at 09:00 AM and then came back at 09:30 AM. My cousin and I stayed in our beds but my aunt felt guilty for the girl and opened the door. She was there with her mother and they were complaining about that no one opened the door. My aunt nudged my cousin and let the girl in who then started to complain to my cousin and hissing “I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to be dressed and ready.” Then came to my room to ask for a pen.

I searched in my bag, found a pen but dropped that one back into my bag to search for another one.
“I just saw you found a pen,” she said.
“Yes, but that one is empty. I just keep it with me for some weird reason,” I replied and proved that by scratching it on a paper in my notebook.

It reminds me of a little accomplishment and Victishe, so I don’t want to throw it away 🙁

Another annoying moment like that was when we were walking to the beach yesterday and my cousin said that it’s a tough walk and then my aunt said that for us it is but for her it’s not because she walks a lot and likes to walk. Then my cousin and I were defending ourselves. My cousin started to give examples of how often she walks and my aunt then said that she still sometimes uses the bike because she hates when she has to climb downstairs to put her bike in the shed.  I told her that it’s tough because my cousin and I are walking on bath slippers. Then she asked why no sneakers and I said because we’re going to the beach. In my social environment I always have nonsensical discussions like this. Fucking hate it so much.

What is even more frustrating, which happens even more often, is that people like to try to debunk my facts. My cousin asked how far it is from the cabin to the beach and I told her that according to Google Maps it’s 2.2 km, I saw when I cycled it the first time. Then my aunt said “No, I believe it’s either 1.3 or 1.9 km. I don’t know why.” I hate to be right all the time man why even start another nonsensical discussion I swear just say nothing. Then on our way back we spotted a sign that says “Beach 1.9 km,” which means that from the beach to the cabin it’s not 1.3 and also not 1.9 km. I hate to be questioned. When I saw it, I didn’t say a word. The frustration made me up my walking pace even more. I was already stopping to let them catch up all the time but the distance just kept getting bigger and bigger. At some point I turned around and saw them walk into a lane to look at something without even notifying me, so I started to just walk on my actual walking tempo (even faster) and go to the cabin without looking back. I mean I had to cook after all and was tired enough already.

She mentioned that my cousin and her could stay over at my apartment when I’ve moved to Antwerp and that she has gone to many concerts there. I asked what the name of the concert location was she didn’t know and received some celebration haha I was wrong bashing verbally when it was not the location meant when I said: “Oh there’s an event location close to where I want to live. Maybe it’s that one.” I’m moving on meow no one from my social circle here will stay over at my place in Antwerp. But I didn’t say that because it sounds so cold towards them. Though it’s what would make me happy.

In the video I made on my walk back to the cabin, I say that I’m not blogging because I want to make people look bad and have some gossip bullshit website. I don’t even like gossip. I’m sharing my frustration here because I can’t share it anywhere else and I hope that someone can understands and would like to help me start a new life away from all of this unnecessary frustration.

Time to put on some shoes and make my mouse freedom trap before my mother is here with mouse traps tomorrow. Tomorrow is so very soon. 🙁

Updated 14:54 (02:54 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Meanwhile I have made a path to show Jacques the door because this is really not working out, but he must have found something that makes him attached to this place because I haven’t seen him ever since that picture.

I hope he’s into Italian food…

Everyone loves Italian food meowww. My mother said the has spoken to a vermin expert one day and he/she told her that they’re after fat. So that’s why this is a path of prosciutto di parma (the parts that were starting to dry out) instead of breadcrumbs.

I’ve also finally washed the dishes and have started to untie my braids. My hair has grown a lot yays. 🙂 Unfortunately I can’t untie my braids and type at the same time meow. I’m really fed up with that I enjoy being alone so much but my family is so unnecessarily attached to me. It’s not that we have nice conversations or anything. Aside from my willingness to cook and do other shit I don’t understand why they’re so attached to me. Hmm maybe that was enough reason already. Oh and that I always listen to their monologues. But I’ve had enough of it meow I’m thinking of just saying what I think starting tomorrow. I’d rather just leave though because it will end up in the fight of the century for sure.  🙁

Updated 17:17 (05:17 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Mid-untying braids tired Catje

Still no sign of Jacques…

Updated 18:05 (06:05 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Untied braids yays time to eat yesterday’s left over awesomeness for dinner.

Gosh this post is over 3000 words. I really become almost kleptomaniac when it comes to convincing whoever is influential, rich, Graeyniss and yay to make me part of their life and get me out of the social deadlock I’m living in. My brain shuts down every time I realize tomorrow the setting will go from peaceful to giving people attention again meow I don’t want that anymore. 🙁 I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people I don’t like either anymore and I’m going to stop treating them like I want to be treated because they treat me like shit. Second-hand furniture but still buying me a ticket to Curaçao while I don’t even want to go. 🙁

I do want the Sun and a beach but I’d rather enjoy it with people I actually like. :'(

Ooh meoow I just realized the huge stack of used panties underneath my suitcase meow I hope Jacques hasn’t settled himself in that because I’m already dealing with panties scarcity. Honestly especially after this vermin I don’t want to even wear them anymore. But money. 🙁

Updated 18:57 (06:57 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

So July is coming to an end.

Statistically (non-cookie-blocking-people wise), it was better than February and March

Top 10 most read posts/pages

I should actually do this tomorrow because maybe a lot of people suddenly feel like reading things just before twelve and then July suddenly was statistically better than May.

Antwerpiyays has been doing well so I hope blogging in Antwerp once I’ve moved there – because that is going to happen and I really hope to be able to claim that two bedroom apartment near campus omggg – will do at least just as well.

My plans for tomorrow are finishing my hair, baking salmon and hoping that the weather will be better than today so that I can take some pictures of the sunset. Furthermore I’m planning to say what I think and share the effects thereof in my post, and I’m going to set some objectives for the month of August (because I want organizational operations steadiness in September so I need to set up things in August). Plus I hope to elaborate on this set of tweets and pictures (I’ll just show you a few of them because they are a lot):

“… have to pay for the vergrijzing (percentage of working class retiring afforded by tax money), and earn back the INVESTMENT (because that minister said it wasn’t an investment) in that outdated nonsense (klimaatakkoord), and then have to pay the retirement pensions of those dumb people who created the klimaatakkoord (plus all the refugees they let in).”

Excusez moi it should have been Thierry Baudet and I. 😸

But this is all just things I want to see finished meow currently I’m doing my hair and I won’t be able to finish that before going to sleep (especially because I want to make it more voluptuous (voluminous¿) than it previously was).

Oh and Jacques doesn’t like Italian food. 🙁 Stupid mouse. 🙁 I’m going to try breadcrumbs tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Good night ♥

Updated 23:30 (11:30 PM) [GMT +2]

xxx