I can’t sleep again. 🙁 Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. 🙂
Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully powerless. In these two nights alone here in Egmond, I’ve become so accustomed to living alone that I just want more and more of those moments where I can just be myself. I want to be a wild catje walking around with only panties on all the time my meow. The parcels I’ve been staying on don’t have enough surrounding private land to always do that, but even here I’ve been doing that at night with the curtains closed. If I’d do that around my acquaintences, they would say something like: “Ehm what the fuck are you doing?”
Anyway let’s get to this hot topic my miyays I have my current sexy example fantasy on repeat in my mind I’d like to share with you and use that to further explain my philosophy about sex/intimacy. I’m going to send a push notification about that I’m writing now and share this on Twitter as well (that’s a lot of yay push notifications if you follow me on both 😀 ).
Hmm but then you’d end up here and only have an introduction text and no juicy text about passion yet, so here are some of my most recent liked YouTube videos you could watch (even if you don’t speak Dutch, just watch them 🙂 ) while I’m typing and you’ll receive another push notification when I’m done (in about 30-45 minutes I estimate).
Updated 03:17 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
Sex / Intimacy (continued)
The last time I had sex was in December or January or something. I don’t remember exactly when it was (I don’t remember much of that night in general because I was quite drunk). I believe I’ve blogged about it somewhere. All I remember is that it was a bad example of what sex should be like. It’s one of those memories I’d like to get distracted from.
Over 6 months without sex is a crazy long time for me. In comparison to when I was with my ex, where a day without sex felt like a lifetime. It was the most heavyweight reason why I found it so hard to distance myself from him. But I’m over him now. I think… 🙁
I am so very much in the mood for sex. Always. And I always have plenty of sex/intimacy offers available to me. Here are some online examples of them I’ve received this month:
Someone on ASKfm wants to taste the juices of my vagina:
I always respond to my ASKfm questions with openness. Sex really is one of the most interesting topics ever. (Topics that are more interesting are a future global revolution and Fangyism ahahahahaha.)
Getting married to me for a European citizenship (“intimacy”):
I’m always interested in why people do what they do
You give this one a title:
Someone I “know” from social media
Et cetera et cetera I said no
[What if I meet a person like this when I live on my own in Antwerp?]
Over the years I’ve built a strong sense of intuition for offers I should refuse. These examples are all things I know I should avoid in real life because I know I will really not enjoy them. I love sex a lot. Like really a lottttttt. But I’d really rather have no sex than bad sex. I can look someone in the eye or interpret someone’s style of writing and directly know if our sex would be good or bad.
My ex has, for a veryyy long time been the person who I considered the most sexually attractive person. Now it’s Victishe… 😻 My body craves for him so much that it feels like suffering to live without him… Ever since I’ve seen him for the first time, I picture us being intimate.
My craving is so serious that I always fold my blanket and pillows together at length and cuddle it at night, pretending it’s him, but missing the actual feeling I’ve never even felt. I’m so curious of what it feels like because nothing can imitate his greatness. 😻
When I spoke with him the first time, it was basically the first time I got the feeling: “You are so hot if I stand close to like this you for too long I won’t be able to keep my body from wanting to touch you all over anymore…”
After my very random indirect attempts to see him again, there seems to be no possible way to ever meet again. (My heart has been bashed after being refused for jobs that are way below my level.)
The fantasy that popped up in my mind was that we suddenly lock eyes at a random Graeyniss event. (And this is what I would actually do in real life because now I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore.) I walk up to him and say: “Het is me een waar genoegen, heer *achternaam*.” (“It is a pleasure to see you, sir *last name*.”) And kiss his hand while making a little bow. (Can’t kiss his hand and look into his eyes at the same time because then I might faint from my attraction for him.)
I find a female kissing a male’s hand quite a cool emancipation 2.0 type of thing I hope he’d understand and appreciate the humor of. And see my affection for him.
My mind then comes with endless options of how he could respond to that. I like the one where we both keep up this overly formal tone and I tell him that my uncommon behavior (having chased him in the past meow I’m ashamed) comes from being such a great Victor *last name* (moet ik nou privacy anoniem achtig doen of niet meow ik snap het niet meer 🙁 ) fan. Then I ask him if he could please please lower himself so that I could give him a kiss on his cheek and after that kiss we both lose control over the way we have been suppressing our primitive drives that make us want to mate.
As this all happens (figuratively), the following question/dilemma arises: “All kinds of “important” people can see our interaction. What influence will this have on our careers?”
The right answer to that question, according to the Fangyist philosophy is: “Fuck it. Just be yourself. Fuck “important people” if they don’t allow you to be yourself. You’ll be fine without them.”
To be continued. I’m going to take a nap. Good morning. xxx
Updated 06:35 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
Good afternoon ♥
Here are the ASKfm questions I woke up to:
Ahaha one of my favorite answers
A better definition of the word “Graeyniss” (!!!)
I want to say “Inshallah”
Please I hope Victishe is available to me
I hope you don’t mind me not adding <a href=”…” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer”&rt; *link* </a&rt; et cetera to it. I will elaborate on the great controversy this all is and more after my shower because guests will be arriving soon xxx
Updated 15:15 (03:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
The delay will be a lil longer because I’m making myself lunch:
I’ll be whipping ramen noodles with this. Issa classy struggle meal.
Hinting the controversy: how to educate people on how to treat each other sexually without becoming part of what I consider wrong first?
Do you understand why I feel so lonely?
Updated 16:05 (04:05 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
Meanwhile guests have arrived and I’ve been socializing some. But I have so much to say about this topic meow it’s time for me to further explain why sex/intimacy is one of my greatest passions but currently also one of my greatest burdens.
With those 35 ASKfm questions about sex this afternoon, I show you the controversy I live in its purest form. That dilemma, “What influence will this have on our careers?” also includes “What influence will this have on the way people look at us?”
A female going in to public (online) sex offers is considered a taboo everywhere. All of those people reaching out to me to masturbate behind their screens keep themselves anonymous for a reason. But if I don’t display this publicly, though I’m extremely ashamed of it and it feels disrespectful to myself it hurts, some people who really are important to me won’t know what type of culture is dominating the internet.
I don’t think that the creators of ASKfm and other social networks intended their platforms to become a place for sex offerings and sex requests. EVEN ON FUCKING WORDFEUD one of my (Dutch(! (Dutch directness and online sex creeping is one of the worst most offensive combinations ever))) opponents asked me if I like white dick. The internet has so much to offer but this is what it’s mostly used for, which is so very disappointing it fuels my disgust. It’s one of the reasons why, when I mentioned observation in my first Passion post, I said that I want to be able to track people. I want ASKfm, Twitter and (most importantly) Strato to show me which IP addresses are watching me (anonymously), for Planet Fang (and who to assassinate) purposes. It’s also one of the reasons why I so often say that I want to move to a secluded place and change my number and not be reachable by people like this anymore.
Regarding to those 35 questions; I hope that in my compliance (which hurts my heart) and the thick layer of sarcasm, you can see that I’m trying to have some influence. I really hope that I can have at least a tiny bit of influence in getting women treated with more respect when it comes to sex.
Those questions are one of the few ways through which I can make myself heard on a larger scale. It hurts me that it’s almost only about sex, because I’m so much more than that I hope that you know that my love, but at least I can get people to listen to me in this way. 😢
I have never opened up about the way I feel about how I’m harrassed online. It feels like quite a step.
The great controversy is that I find it wrong to make sex and intimacy things that happen (almost only) via the internet, but simultaneously the internet is the greatest source of information so I just need to locate myself where I can have the loudest voice.
I’m trying to show you how to make someone feel genuinely loved. But I can’t force real love. It’s something I’ve lost hope for. The world is dominated by heartless demons who may all fucking die. That’s why love is not even on my list of passions. 🙁
My greatest problem in my openness and compliance is that I don’t put enough emphasis on how fucking much I HATE IT when people use imperative voice on me and how disrespectful most questions I get are. Seriously: “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?”
To recap this passage:
It’s a Dutch person I said “Yess I need a recent example anyway”
Again I hate to do what an imperative voice said, but if I wouldn’t show you this then you wouldn’t know. I really wonder how other women go about this. I always stay polite but this is so controversial. By “I’m good” I’m trying to politely say “Please stop this.” If someone would say that to me in real life, passionately, my heart would melt. But online it’s all same shit different day to me. And every time it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 😢
There should be political attention for this. This should be just as illegal as calling women out on the street.
I’m afraid that if I’d speak up against all of this people I’d lose all of my followers and have no one to talk to anymore. I fear that they’d all try to take revenge on me or even try to physically harm me. But simultaneously I’ve always wanted to choke/beat someone to death so fucking bring it on.
Wat een kutopmerking
Apart from my family and acquaintances, these are the only people who talk to me. I feel like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I crave for intellectual conversation so much but the people I talk to don’t have that capacity. 🙁 My contact information is all over the internet, and I hope that people would approach me for my thoughts about revolution, but it’s all about fucking sex. 😢
I wish I were unapproachable on the public web and have uplifting like-minded friends I could cuddle with, with whom I’d live in seclusion and peace. Planet Fang. But if I’m not approachable I can’t find the intelligent friends I need.
When it comes to me moving to Antwerp, I genuinely fear for my life. I always get chased by people of whom I think: “What makes you think I’d ever be attracted to you…?” I don’t know anyone who could protect me when I can’t protect myself. 😢
I love sex and am very passionate about intimacy. Still this is one of my greatest burdens because there’s currently only one person I genuinely find sexually attractive. (I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read if you read this, Victishe. 🙁 ) Furthermore I get loveless dispassionate sex offers literally every single day, which I use to teach how I find people should treat their sex partners. I wish people would reach out to me for my intelligence but it’s always about my body. 🙁 I hope to succeed in creating a larger discussion about online sex culture. When it comes to me moving abroad by myself and having no defense against people wanting to get in my pants, I fear for my life. 🙁
So, this far, my passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied, I’ve listed:
The next topic on my list is information. More about that later.
Updated 20:37 (08:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]