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Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rationalization [Sunday, October 20, 2019]

This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection.ย 

My love,

What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one:

Why am I keeping this blog?

To portray a shift from the perspective of the one putting it in motion. My mission is and always has been to redesign the system (combination of economics, politics, law et cetera) to the versatile and sustainable mechanism it should be (and already could have been). On my blog, I share information about what concepts I am developing to put into practice and I share the methods I use to and circumstances under which I am doing this. Consider it real-time history in the making.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

What direction am I working towards?

All of my diary posts until about July, as one story, describe my perspective on change, politics and society in general (as well as a detailed description of general living circumstances). A summarization of this:

  • I consider culture the greatest cause of today’s societal problems.

There are many rants of me venting about the disturbing aspects of culture. By culture I mean the standards by which people treat and communicate with each other, what is considered “good/cool” and what is considered “bad/lame” in general (not only morals, also trends) and traditional habits.

Let me illustrate this by sharing my perspective on this video:

Mister Kuzu from the DENK party starts off his speech by standing up for Dutch people with Turkish roots in this time of increased political tension in Turkey, to which a lot of Dutch people with Dutch roots respond with discrimination. The Dutch media proclaim Turkey has taken illegal measures and in every single interruption of mister Kuzu his speech, members of the Second Chamber demand that he says that what the Turkish government is doing in name of mister Erdogan is wrong. Mister Kuzu refuses to do this and the rest does not understand why.

Culture is a great problem here, because the opinion of the majority of Dutch Dutch people is based on the conclusions they draw from reading newspapers. The perspective of Turkish Dutch people is based on their roots (thus information passed from generation to generation) and have a direct ethnical connection with the conflicts at the Turkish border(s) (causing most Dutch Dutch and other people to identify them with this political issue, which is so simplistic).

In all of politics, people may disagree or decide not to choose a side. If the entire Chamber except DENK wants to judge Erdogan for his actions, why is that such a big problem? Why may he not disagree with the great majority in this discussion? I don’t think the Turkish government cares much about the opinion of the Dutch government – especially in this case (where they still carry the heaviest load in the immigration crisis) – in the first place? This digitalized drama media culture justifies all sorts of nonsense.

The migration conflict (as well as other conflicts) brings me to my second view:

  • Communities should be based on personality and ambitions, instead of nationality, ethnicity and interests.ย 

The classification can be defined by the Nosce Te Ipsum survey, of which the outcome describes your personality and ambitions in a fixed format.

  • In my view, overpopulation is one of the greatest causes for growing environmental damage. Something for which the most rational solution should be sought.

I have done a couple of suggestions. Though they all relate to death and warfare in a specific non-discriminatory context. Based on personality, ambitions and competence, one will or will not be targeted. Here age, race, religion, disabled/not disabled, et cetera do not play a role in deciding if you will stay or not. (Rational: if you spend life wasting resources without contributing anything, why live? (If one’s answer to that is “well you can have a great time with your friends blah blah”: doing that for 1 year is the same as doing that for 50 years. For the sake of saving the planet better keep it short.))

But most people probably find that everyone should be entitled to a long healthy life and all wealth and resources (something impossible). So I, tacitly, stick to my view unless I can endorse someone with a better, “more rational” solution, before.

I hoped to be able to start a discussion about this by elaborately discussing this view of mine (in a court case), but it was labeled as “schizophrenia”. Now that it is proved (case almost closed) that I am not a schizophrenic, what will this be defined as next?

  • The value of a product should solely be based on its availability. Supply should solely exist on an order-basis.ย 

For this I refer you to Looking at Markets Differently (opens in new tab) and Fangyist Economics & Initiating Change (opens in new tab).

  • Artificial intelligence should be a more common product for mass production.

Because this will further automate the robotic (as in repetitious labor) function of some [most] human beings. I have some really cool ideas for artificial intelligence projects. I hope D.O.C.I.S. International will also sell robots in the future. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Governmental decisions should be based on public surveys.

It’s what I’m trying to accomplish with the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The Hypothesis is an example of this (opens in new tab).

  • Health care requires digitization of the diagnostic process.

This will make health care more accessible. If – with artificial intelligence – the supply of health care will be made more compact and easier to become accessible on a larger scale (as well as cheaper).

By blogging and publishing books I have tried to set this in motion. But I’m not getting a societal response, after quite a lot of effort, so I have decided to – ugh – resort to the traditional route. A.k.a. bachelor (with perhaps doing research and suggestions for the Surinamese government for my major and thesis* ๐Ÿ˜€ ) -> (master ->) PhD. Where to get my masters and PhD I don’t know yet, though. Hopefully Stanford and otherwise Berkeley. ๐Ÿ˜€

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Why did I take the picture in the header of this post?

Did the image grab your attention? If not, the situation may be more hopeless than I thought. ๐Ÿ™

The image was there before the rest of the post. You see, I’m quite bored. I’m getting ahead of my study schedule already and I still have no one to cuddle with.

Late at night last night (past 2 PM for sure), I was chatting with someone on snapchat. I have frequently received nudes from a wide range of people, but rarely send them. Yesterday cravings for someone to touch were (as always) higher than the day before [y’all killing me], so – after a long period of contemplation – I, still doubting, said: “I want to send you a suggestive picture, but I don’t know if I should do it [trust related] and if it will be sexy.” The response was that I shouldn’t overthink it because I’m beautiful. Hesitatingly, but still trying to keep it smooth, I sent this image followed by the text in the caption:


“Your response?” 😏

Sexting is not the place for essays. Graeynissis attracted to “sapiosexual” women who love sex like I do – I’m in de veronderstelling dat you already know this but – if a female who rarely sends nudes sends you (and in this hypothetical situation you frequently send nudes) a suggestive picture and asks you for your response, you should not respond by giving a review (and saying “not that much skin” like this porn generation is used to). Respond with – taking away one’s insecurities – an image or video showing that you’re aroused.

The review with that the image didn’t show that much skin but my lips and boobs (~boobs~ (say breasts to this articulate wild Catje please…)) are nice made me regret my action and shut the lights off to go to bed. But I wasn’t able to catch sleep (or find the mental tranquility I need, to be able to masturbate myself to sleep like I always do), plus I was suddenly shook up by the thought: “What if that picture is leaked? I better make sure I’m the one doing it, then. (So that – from a spindoctor’s perspective – there is no “double life” image portrayed.) And use it as the featured image of a diary post that has more meaning than a regular diary post.” So I turned the lights back on to make a replica of the (by me unsaved) Snapchat picture I sent.


And another one. ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha and then I laughed from thinking: “What if I e-mail these pictures to Victishe?” Hahahahaha what would “HR” tell me then? 😂 Haha meow I’d hope I’d get some pictures back. Seriously though this big age difference, big height difference interracial thing with our personalities matching each other… Am I the only one who finds that the hottest type of sexual attraction ever? That literal inside joke was followed by the thought: “I wonder what I would see if I’d “ask a glass ball” if I’d ever sleep with Victishe?” Meoow I don’t (want to) know what would happen if I’d hear “No that will never happen.” Even if it’s just for one night. 😻

Some will say that this suggestive nude is nothing. Others will say that I am a female without standards. It has been a while since I posted something “very provocative”. On a Sunday. ๐Ÿ™‚ I wanted to spice up my content anyway, because it was getting quite stagnate. I also, I guess, need to publish something about what I’ve learnt from studying this far. Though for now that would just take time I should invest in studying and working on my business. D.O.C.I.S. International is currently “doing nothing”. But tomorrow I will start with my first set of D.O.C.I.S. tasks. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah I had not yet mentioned that I would like to create some (further modernized) sex education propaganda something for teenagers. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Because the amount of nonsense that is considered as fact is a serious problem. And I’d include anti-stereotyping as a component of this. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

* I’ve been saying that I find it a good thing when people contribute to the development of the country where their roots lie. When I studied IBEB, I said that I’d like to study (the island economy of) the Bahamas. But for many different reasons (and especially to also proceed in my grandfather’s mission and now that I’m still not entirely sure about who my biological father is…)

I’d like to spend some time working for the Surinamese government, if possible. To contribute to the country’s economic development. Not only nationally. In the international spectrum as well.

It’s Sunday night and I’m home, which means that it’s bathtub time again yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Tomorrow I will, because I love the game and I should keep meeting new people (hoping they allow me to join), go for basketball practice. ๐Ÿ™‚

In reference to yesterday, this was when I made my late breakfast and was about to get started what I had on my study planner for today.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

This is cornerstone content.

Good night ♥


23:40 (11:40 PM) [GMT +2]

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Rims [Saturday, October 19, 2019]

Ayy the rims on this fresh as fuck B.ย 

My love,


Today, I went to the Media Markt with my mother, to select a vacuum cleaner.

Domo vacuum cleaner rims

I chose this one ๐Ÿ™‚

Look at the rims on this thing ayy. Just kidding, though it looks quite smooth. For quite a fair price in comparison to the other vacuum cleaners. What I found the most important is that it’s bagless.

Domo vacuum cleaner rims

And that it has other mouthpieces

I’m very happy I don’t have to clean with stoffer en blik anymore. And we had fun. Dinner at Ellis Gourmet Burger afterwards. With very kind staff.

Ellis gourmet burger rims

And a very tasty burger with salmon ๐Ÿ™‚

The most notable moment in our conversation was when we were talking about most gifted people we know being depressed and/or miss a challenge for their passions in life, and brainstorming about how we could maybe start an initiative to solve this from a governmental perspective, because the problem is a lot larger than our circle. It’s actually a global thing (so maybe D.O.C.I.S. International is a better medium than the government). We haven’t found a strategy to solve this, but have thought out a little concept now. Though where to go to get something like this off the ground? An initiative to raise awareness, understanding and maybe create new opportunities for people who have a lot of talents but society having no place for them. I wonder if I, as experience expert, “future policymaker and researcher,” could make suggestions?


Oh my goddd I got such good news yesterdayyy! I will be unsubscribed from the psychiatric surveillance bureau that has been keeping tabs on me for years! I’m soo happyyy! We should smoke and drink to this!!! Just kidding but I’m very happy and relieved about this. Thanks to doctor Catje. ๐Ÿ˜€

I have requested copies of my records in case they decide to delete evidence of the horror they have put me through.

After that phone call, I went to the library to print my module for informatiesystemen and the warning note for my neighbors.


I’m surprised I got the printer to print from my student account without reading the instructions or asking for them. And this at 18:55 with the library closing at 19:00.

Rims geluidsoverlast

In retrospect, I should have written this in both Dutch and English.

And meoww for English class we have to, as an assignment, guide a class discussion about a topic of our choice, in pairs. I chose the topic “artificial intelligence” and wanted to do this by myself. And now last night I saw that someone has written him-/herself (I think it’s a “he”ยฟ) down as my partner.

Of course I can’t say, “I work alone,” especially because it’s a group assignment, but man I hope this won’t have a bad effect on my grade. ๐Ÿ™ I had the whole thing reasoned out and now I suddenly need to give my project partner speech time… There’s another person doing the assignment alone and there’s one date empty. My English is on another level, which is the main reason why I prefer to work alone. Unless it’s someone who can really improve the philosophical depth I wanted to give the discussion. Nah in general I’m just someone who prefers to work alone. Exactly the stoic type of movie assassin “I work alone,” type of working alone is what I prefer to do, haha. I’m too much of an emotionally broken person to be social.

I’m going to read two chapters of my law book and then go to bed. Already looking forward to tomorrow morning, because I have left over pancakes with maple syrup and my mother also got me an orange juice maker. ๐Ÿ™‚ Finally meoww those oranges have been calling for my attention (figuratively of course… I don’t want to get in trouble ahahaha but seriously it’s figurative… Their due date is in sight is what I mean).

Ahahaha my sense of humor is twisteddd. The word “rims” in the context of this post is, of course, a joke too. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sexy orange juicer I won’t get enough of 😻

Good night, my love. I hope to receive your love letters soon. (Like Tuesdayยฟ Don’t overthink it. ๐Ÿ˜€ ) ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ


22:47 (10:47 PM) [GMT +2]


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Self-Tainment [Friday, October 18, 2019]

The loneliness continues… Luckily I have an overdose of self-tainment.ย 

My love,

Being alone is not that big a deal. There are so many things to do and think about…

Looks Like a Mind Game

Like sending that creepy stalker-like message to Victishe yesterday. ๐Ÿ™‚ As you may have noticed, I love sending e-mails. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s great self-tainment. I don’t know if I should insert what I sent in this post or not?

Ah why would I not put my craziness on the public internet? ๐Ÿ™‚

Thinking About You. Beschouw dit bericht alstublieft als “niet verzonden”.

do 17-10-2019 21:37

“Als je zou kunnen tijdreizen, naar welk moment zou je dan gaan?”

“Student event 2018… ๐Ÿ™

Het zou zo’n groot verschil hebben gemaakt als ik had gezegd wat ik dacht, in plaats van te zeggen wat ik dacht dat het juiste was.

Wat ik had willen zeggen, of vragen beter gezegd, is: “Jeetje nee is dit recent gebeurd? U bent de laatste persoon van wie ik zou verwachten dat hij single is. U bent zo lief en knap en duidelijk one of a kind. Het is zo emotioneel om te horen dat u een gebroken hart heeft. Dat kan mede de oorzaak zijn van, ik zie, stress in uw nek en schouder regio. Houdt u van wellness?”

In plaats van bewust het onderwerp te veranderen in de gedachte dat er [door van onderwerp te veranderen] geen vervelende herinneringen op komen, had ik mijn hart moeten uitspreken. Ik veranderde het ook echt naar een stom onderwerp en normaal praat ik niet zo veel over mezelf en mijn ideeรซn ๐Ÿ™ . Ik word altijd zo nerveus dat ik gekke dingen ga doen, wanneer ik tegenover iemand sta die ik aantrekkelijk vind, maar dit niet durf uit te spreken. The memory keeps haunting me. I woke up to it this morning.

Ik denk dat als ik het bovenstaande had uitgesproken, hij nu niet iemand was die ik graag zou willen contacteren maar niet kan/mag contacteren. Then again misschien werkte ik dan nu in loondienst. ๐Ÿ™ “

Beste meneer […],

Na mijn vorige beschamende bericht naar u ben ik anoniem door uw “HR” personeel gebeld, met het verzoek of ik u geen berichten meer wil sturen.

Een zeer onaangenaam gesprek met een fel klinkende dame aan de andere kant van de lijn. Als uw reactie op dit bericht weer is om diezelfde persoon te vragen om mij anoniem te bellen, beschouw dit bericht dan alstublieft als “niet verzonden”.

Ook als u mij persoonlijk wil vertellen dat u niets met mij te maken wil hebben, en mijn hart daarmee figuurlijk met een lans puncteert, beschouwt u dit bericht alstublieft als “niet verzonden”.

Ik had graag een betere eerste indruk op u gemaakt. En ook alles wat ik na ons eerste gesprek heb gedaan had ik liever niet gedaan. Misschien was ik nu dan gelukkiger geweest, omdat ik dan niet met de gedachte hoef rond te lopen dat de algemeen directeur van de ANWB Alarmcentrale – op die ik, tot mijn machteloosheid, een serieuze crush heb opgelopen – mij als een of andere gekke stalker ziet.

Zou het leven anders zijn geweest als ik u, zoals ik eigenlijk wilde maar niet durfde, meer persoonlijke vragen had gesteld? Had ik, zoals ik eigenlijk wilde, vorige zomer moeten vragen of ik zou mogen aanschuiven aan uw lunchtafel?

Dit soort vragen moet ik loslaten. Ik ben hiervoor in behandeling bij een psychiater die mij niet als schizofreen ziet, maar als iemand die een depressie heeft, gerelateerd aan hoge intelligentie.

Heeft u wel eens een intelligentietest gedaan? U vertoont namelijk alle karakteristieken van een hoogbegaafd persoon. Dat is de meest zwaar wegende reden waarom ik zo graag meer tijd met u had willen doorbrengen. Ik kom niet vaak andere hoogbegaafden tegen.

Maar met een drukke werkweek, het verschil in status en het leeftijdsverschil (hoewel ik moet zeggen dat het oprecht voelt alsof we leeftijdsgenoten zijn), is dit natuurlijk allemaal van de zotte. Misschien als ik directrice van een internationale autoverhuurmaatschappij was geweest, dat deze situatie er minder pijnlijk uit had gezien.

Mede in een poging om mijn pijnlijke herinneringen achter me te laten, ben ik naar Belgiรซ verhuisd. Maar dat verandert niets aan het probleem dat ik vaak aan u denk en het me niet lukt om hier iets aan te veranderen.

Een van mijn ASKfm volgers zei dat het goed is om u te laten weten hoe ik me nu hierover voel. Na alles wat er gebeurd is is dit waarschijnlijk ook niet iets waaover u “Dit is een mail waar ik wel graag op reageer,” zal denken. I just had to get this off my chest.

Na mijn tijd als telefonisch hulpverlener, was ik al wat angstiger wat betreft telefoongesprekken voeren. Dat anonieme telefoontje van uw “HR” personeel is de klap op de vuurpijl geweest. Is dat echt iemand geweest die bij u in loondienst werkt? Heeft u dit echt aan haar gevraagd? Ik kan het maar moeilijk geloven. Ze klonk alsof ze een ongehoorzaam klein kind aan het corrigeren was. Het type dat daarbij gelooft dat zwarte vrouwen aan voodoo doen. Ik zou dan ook graag willen dat, indien dit nog niet gebeurd is en mogelijk is, mijn contactgegevens uit de database van (voormalig) ANWB personeelsleden verwijderd worden.

Tenzij u mijn ware identiteit ziet, zal u dan ook niets meer van mij horen. Ik zal mijn uiterste best doen om dit alles te vergeten, en hoop dat mijn berichten geen invloed op uw emoties hebben. En dat ik niet weer door “HR” gebeld zal worden. (Waarom bent u zo knap? Ik zie maar niemand die u overtreft. ๐Ÿ™ )

Hopelijk steekt de gedachte dat u een 22-jarige helemaal (in positieve context) gek kan maken zonder daar iets voor hoeft te doen u een hart onder de riem. ((En dat “Victishe” een serieuze Google ranking heeft…) Ik kan mijn slechte indruk ook alleen maar slechter maken hรจ. Haha sorry hiervoor.)

Met vriendelijke groet,

Dominique Elia

Haha and going from tense shoulders to wellness is still a nuance. I’d rather say: “I can give very good massages. (Like seriously I know to find pressure points and stuff.) May I give you a massage?” But I know how awful it feels to hear from someone you don’t want to touch you to hear that that person wants to touch you, so I chose to say wellness.

Damn I keep exchanging the expression of my feelings for casual statements.

I genuinely fear getting a threatening phone call again. So I hope that sending this e-mail for spek en bonen will save me that headache. I’d lose my temper if someone would talk to me like that again.

So now this just looks like a mind game e-mail. ๐Ÿ™ Blocking out responses I wish to avoid, saying he’s driving me crazy meow prrr. But this “If you recognize my true identity,” clause to still make it possible to maybe ever hear something from him. It would mean that I’m currently underrated (which I think is true). De rest van het raadsel leg ik niet uit, maar laat ik aan u over. Voor self-tainment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Social Interaction

Nopeee I’m not really missing it. (What’s annoying is people saying that I need it. It makes me overthink it and enjoy my alone time less.) Though I miss a social cognitive challenge.

Pleaseee, send me a letter, my Graeyniss. Yes youuu, sexy person reading this blog post. Pretty please?

D. D. Elia
Copernicuslaan 30G
Appartement 7.5
2018 Antwerpen, Belgiรซ

Let’s do some co-self-tainment.ย  I can keep it between us if you prefer that. ๐Ÿ™‚

Social Disturbance

Last night, I chose to except the prime minister for a regular impression of what is going on, unfollow all political players (you know what I mean) I was following on Twitter.ย  The continuous chaos and conflict portrayed in their words has become too disturbing.

Thierry Baudet retweeting a tweet with a video about “immigrants now flying in by plane”, because of the direct flight connection between Germany and Ethiopia, was a sign for me I shouldn’t stand aside white privileged politically active people. Those people better not just be tourists… They looked like tourists, with their branded clothing. What immigrant is able to afford a plane ticket? Not an illegal one, I think.

I don’t know the situation well enough to have an opinion about this specific situation. But what I do know is that this post is putting all colored people in Western Europe in a more difficult position. Now more ignorant white people will claim that we’re stealing their living space. It’s difficult enough already being a (unclaimed halfยฟ) Surinamese creole born in the Netherlands.

Ah meeting him is on my list of toxic memories haunting me as well. Like wtf was I wearing and wtf was I doing there being the only colored person after he said that colored people are usually less intelligent. And that that’s not racism because a scientist has claimed that. Grrr wtf. Let me guess… It was a white scientist? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Were Western standards used to define intelligence? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Why the fuck do you support a research project like that? Not all research done is true.

I’m now not with the left and not with the right either. I’m also not in the middle. Politics has become throwing accusations and hate back and forth. I’m a Fangyist. I’m sick of all y’all.

I can support none of y’all, politically. Gladly, I find a lot of self-tainment in that, defining my own stance without any examples.

Congrats on Brexit, though. I support national independence.

And goddd the Netherlands are in political chaos. It all just seems like a bad TV show though, following this from Antwerp.

Basketball vs. Gym

Yesterday I put some social weight on joining the basketball team. For that same reason I’m thinking maybe it’s better to get a gym membership.

If I can’t find my social satisfaction in basketball either, I’ll get more depressed. Plus I don’t have Facebook so I can’t just message them to ask when the training for newbs is… ๐Ÿ™ At the gym, I can go whenever I want (so also multiple times a week) and I don’t have to worry about fitting in. Plus it’s greaaattt self-tainment. ๐Ÿ™‚

D.O.C.I.S. Progress

A lot of D.O.C.I.S. tasks await me, as well as a great deal of study material. Yesterday I spent quite some time being sad in my bed, so I have somr catching up to do. All great self-tainment. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll be back either tonight or tomorrow. Keep an eye on my Twitter. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ahaha for SEO reasons I have to mention self-tainment a certain of times per text length. Self-tainment self-tainment self-tainment. ๐Ÿ™‚



The featured image is made by Valeria Boltneva from Pexels. I chose it because I’ll be making cheese nacho’s from the oven with home made salsa later. Guess what that is? Siii ultimate self-tainment. ๐Ÿ™‚

14:30 (02:30 PM) [GMT +2]ย 


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Empty Volta [Thursday, October 17, 2019]

Currently, my life is almost exactly the way I portrayed my ideal setting. Only one crucial aspect is missing, which is why this feels like an empty Volta.

My love,


Yesterday, I got my WiFi installed.

proximus scarlet wifi empty vo;ta

The Fangs is connected now yay ๐Ÿ™‚

For this, I had set my alarm at 11:00 because I was told the technician (techniker in Flemish (and German)) would be there between 12:30 and 17:30. At 11:20 (yeah I take 15 – 30 minutes to get my slightly depressed self out of bed when there is a reason to (otherwise it’s 1 – 3 hours)) I got a call from the technician, asking me if I was home. I said “Yes, I am,” and asked him how long he was going to take to get here. He said 30 minutes.

So I dashed out of bed, into the shower. After that, and getting dressed and stuff, quickly opened the curtains, sprayed some perfume into the curtains and opened the windows a little because my place has been called “muffig” ๐Ÿ™ , jugged some cruesli with milk and started to do the cutting for the omelette I was about to make. I don’t get visitors often.

The technician arrived. After letting him in, I asked him if he would like something to drink. He asked for coffee, and changed this request to water when I warned him that it’s oploscappuccino (later I noticed that I have oploskoffie as well but that’s still oplos. Hmm very good with chocolate milk though. I have the coffee in case of guests).

“U slaapt graag uit?” “Ja, klopt. Daarom vroeg ik u hoe lang u erover zou doen om hier te komen.”

To get access to the main line I tried to call facility management, but for some reason I was told the number was not in use (maybe because I did +32 3 and not +32 03). “Hij heeft er niet zo’n zin in hรจ?” “Nee.” I suggested we swung by their office in the building next door and left my phone at home, locking the door and taking my keys, on my bath slippers. “Is dat niet te koud voor uw voetjes?” “Haha nee hoor, dat zit wel goed.”

A note with a phone number was on the bell. The facility manager was away for lunch. I should have taken my phone along, but the technician called the number and the facility manager arrived with his dienblad with lunch a few minutes later. After he put that in his office, I followed them to the garage, where the gateway to the internet is for my apartment. Meanwhile the technician and I were discussing our backgrounds. I figured I could stick around and learn something about internet connections. “Zal ik hier blijven, of…?” “Ja, u kunt mij gezelschap houden. Boven heeft u toch vast niets te doen.” “Nee… Klopt…” (Why do I always do that? I had so much shit to do. x_x)

There was some vague stuff going on where a device is moved across a plastic block with a lot of wires, and makes a beeping sound when my apartment receives that signal, sent from the head office of my internet provider (Proximus via Scarlet). But the phone sound making device (I remember when internet went directly via phone lines and using the internet and making a phone call at the same time was not possible… Cute times) could not connect to it. So the technician offered to take a look at the straatkast (another box with wires and plastic blocks for internet connection, but then outside) to see if it was possible there. It wasn’t. (And someone wanted to take his laptop which he had put on top of the metal box while he was busy with the plastic blocks and I told that person that its rightful owner is right here, after which the person left.) So back to the garage, while, slightly frustrated, he called the head office for new/more detailed instructions.

After a while it turned out that the switch on the phone sound should have been moved one position further to the right. We went back to my apartment but he said that I shouldn’t lock the door to the internet gateways because maybe it needed to be corrected. And that I should call facility management in case the connection works. Though I didn’t like the idea of not taking simple responsibility for closing the door while we were there, I left it open.

We walked back to my apartment, when the technician asked me what I study and how long the program takes. When I said “Three years,” he said that if I’m here that long I should build a large vriendenkring. “Haha, inderdaad.” That’s when I, in silence, realized that this is an empty Volta. Still a Volta. but an empty one. The social component is missing. I’ve become far more selective when it comes to making friends. Plus where to meet potential new friends? I guess basketball is, for now, my last hope.

Inside, I pre-heated the oven and started to fry my egg with thyme, baharat, chorizo, kale and tomatoes. (Plus stepped onto a ladder to get the Kaiserbrรถtchen, from the back of the cupboard, I was about to put into the oven.) Not much later I got my WiFi password.

Then the technician mentioned that he had forgotten his other phone in the internet gateway room in the garage. The hospitality version of myself told me: “You should go with him,” but the self-preservative side of myself told me: “I already wasn’t supposed to be in that internet room and standing outside in the rain for this (long). Plus we can’t really level. And now that the internet is installed the service is over and I do not want a repetition of what happened in that sauna in Berlin, so…” “Ah, wat vervelend. Gelukkig hebben we de deur open gelaten. Bedankt voor de installatie. Nog een fijne dag. Daaaag. ๐Ÿ™‚ “ *locks door*


My lunch tasted better than it looks. ๐Ÿ™‚

After lunch, I read part 1 of my law book and used a marker on the passages I wish to memorize.

I mentioned twister fries yesterday. I used to think they were a signature Burger King thing, but the BK in the US doesn’t have them. Late at night I checked BK Belgium’s menu online and they didn’t have it there either. Which is no problem though because I live in Belgium now and I hadn’t even eaten fries here yet. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Belgian fries.

So I went to the snackbar (frituur in Flemish). A snackbar that has food for vegetarians and vegans as well, Frituur Mรฉmรฉ Frit, I downloaded the Payconiq app for it, because online I saw that they don’t accept bank cards, but in the store the app didn’t recognize the QR code I had to pay for my fries and kaaskroket with, so I walked to an ATM, passing a lot more snackbars that probably did accept cards. I was devoted to getting my fries from there. Plus I was in the mood for a walk. I’d rather even run. Or play basketball…

They gave me directions to an ATM, but I wasn’t sure if I understood them correctly, so I let Google Maps guide me to the closest ATM. One that was in a closed office. So I walked to Centraal because I remember I always see an ATM when I walk to the train.

Fries crisp, just the way I like them ๐Ÿ™‚

And cute guy behind counter meow why wouldn’t I go back. ๐Ÿ™‚ (And yes guess what: I just got out of bed and put some clothes on. Aka I was in zwerrie mode.)

Dinner was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚

Late, but tasty. The kaaskroket was calculated in because I don’t have that many snacks in my house (because I have very selective taste) so I could fry my rib-eye while eating. Too bad I ate this by myself. Empty Volta all up in my dinner thoughts.

Empty Volta

I have the peaceful apartment in which I can pursue my lifestyle without keeping my thoughts occupied with doing what (I think) others want (to see) from me. I have 1001 more tactics to succeed in my mission. That’s my core Volta. But I have no one to do this with. Which is quite depressing. It feels like I’ve accomplished a Volta with no one to celebrate it with. An empty Volta. Spending a lot of time alone is, however, still better than spending a lot of time with people who don’t have the same ambition as I. Our minds are – not only literally – in completely different places.

Plus I’m happy that people still want to come to my birthday. I think that type of relationship, where we don’t have to spend a lot of time together but when we’re together it’s like pressing resume, is really chill. In that way it might be a Volta, but still I have plenty of psychiatry torture flashbacks and other things haunting me, not knowing where to place that and all that I have said on here, in the context of friendship.

But as long as people don’t ask me how my social life in Belgium is, this all feels amazing. I don’t miss hanging on a friend’s couch or a friend hanging on my couch. It might be better to have a lot of time pass because then there’s plenty to do and talk about.

Meoww I should go to bed.

Today, I will (in random order):

  • Study economics from chapter 2.1 to chapter 2.4 and make an oversight.
  • Watch the German lecture I did not attend, and if it’s not online I’ll study informatiesystemen until chapter 1.2 and watch the lecture tomorrow. Either way also watch an episode of Weissensee or a different German show.
  • Make the overview diagram for a new D.O.C.I.S. International website.
  • Have a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Eat fried noodles with left over rib eye and spinach.
  • Eat kale with pastinaak, aardappelpuree and fish sticks.
  • Clean the shower and mop the floor.

Het is trouwens misschien too soon, en dit staat los van hoe ik over de situatie denk, maar dit is best grappig aahahaha. Uit mijn familiegroepschat.

And write more about this empty Volta if I get ideas of other things I should/could/want to mention about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ciaooo for nowww โ™ฅ


01:40 (AM) [GMT +2]


There are a couple of moments that replay itself in my mind. This morning, again, I woke up to the memory of a very wrong first impression I made.

“If you could travel back in time, where would you go?”

“Student event 2018… ๐Ÿ™

It would have made such a big difference if I had said what I thought instead of saying what I thought was right.

What I wanted to say, or rather ask, is: “Oh no, is this recent? You are the last person I would expect to be single. You are so sweet and handsome and clearly one of a kind. It is so emotional to hear that you have a broken heart. That may also be the cause of, I see, stress in your neck and shoulder region. Do you like wellness?”

Instead of consciously changing the subject, because I didn’t want to make bad memories come up for him, I should have said what I thought, which I just showed you. But I changed it to a really stupid subject and normally I don’t even talk about myself and my ideas that much ๐Ÿ™ . I always get so nervous that I start doing crazy things when I meet someone I find attractive, but don’t dare to express this The memory keeps haunting me. I woke up to this morning.

I think that if I had said the above, he would not have become someone I would like to contact but cannot/may not contact. Then again maybe then I would now work in paid employment. ๐Ÿ™ ”

And even in this better response I go off topic, because it still doesn’t emphasize his strength.

It’s a toxic memory, because every time it crosses my mind (multiple times a day for more than a year now) my heart hurts and my blood pressure rises.

I chose to, in that moment, suggest that being alone is better than being with people with whom one cannot share his/her perception because they are not capable of understanding the complexity of his/her reality. Which is a brick of a response.

Especially because I used the term “eeuwige student” before that, when eavesdropping into the conversation. I mentioned the term because I just wanted to show that I know Dutch terms from before my time, by means of showing that I can understand his reality regardless of my age. But it came off as an insult. ๐Ÿ™

And then I kept talking about my stupid book series and did this awful eyebrow thing when I mentioned that my final exams were in a hotel in Wassenaar. They really were legitimate exams though.

I wanted to make an unforgettable impression. And I did. But an unforgettably wrong one. The empathy I showed my annoying clients I didn’t show him. Because the empathy I would show him would indirectly make very clear that I am in love with him, and I was too afraid to do that.

It has fuelled my empty Volta. And my attempts to correct for it have made it worse. This memory is one of the dozens of memories my bruised mind keeps reminding me of on a daily basis. I wish it would stop but only new bruises are added. My declined proposal and yesterday’s suggesting technician have been added to my replays. Great. ๐Ÿ™

I got such a sweet and considerate response to this question I thought no one would elaborate on.

The memory got me curled up in bed. I told myself I would never cry over love. And I hadn’t ever, not even when I broke up with my ex. Until today, when, after typing out my answer, I felt like I will forever be stuck with these unanswered feelings of love. And a very bad impression.

I have moved to another country in an attempt to leave things like this behind. But especially now that I’m so alone here, nothing can distract me from these things I wish to forget.

Nothing except this study book with a name on it that makes me want to cry as well. What an ass. ๐Ÿ™

I’ll be back. Probably tomorrow.

Ah and I could thus express this which I am experiencing in a message to Victishe. But he’ll probably ignore it like the rest of my attempts to correct myself, plus the risk of another barking bitch in my ear… Can one be expelled from university? I think my university mail address has not been blocked yet. Regardless of the consequences and the fact it could make things far worse, I need to get this off my chest. And I should get out of bed. Need to buy potatoes…


15:17 (03:17 PM) [GMT +2]


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Orgasmic Study Planner 😻 [Tuesday, October 15, 2019]

The way it requires all of my time, the rush of getting it done daily, being able to be the utmost productive in bed… I love this study planner so much! This is genuinely orgasmic.

My love,

Until November 30th – for now – all I will attend is English class on Mondays. Because attendance is required and I want to score an A+. And minimally a B for all of my other subjects. The type of study planning I usually do one week before the final exam, I now started to do last night.

Currently I’m behind (as in I understand what is explained during lectures but I haven’t read the books to see what knowledge is required to pass a test yet), but…

After acing this, I’m thinking of explaining how I made this (work), in the essay – a book is too long – Study Planning for Procrastinators. It’s on my list of D.O.C.I.S. tasks. ๐Ÿ™‚

And every Sunday I will make a weekly schedule. ๐Ÿ™‚

Starting the week on Sunday is veryyy good for study planning with weekly tasks.

In case this social isolation makes me feel uncomfortable, I could join the basketball team. But I get tired quite fast because my heart has been acting up quite badly.

It’s one of the reasons why this post will be very short.

In reference to yesterday, it could have also been a protocol “no”, but no one explains the protocols for “”status” interacting with “regular folk”” to me. ๐Ÿ™ I really should have used “Gooi dit dan in de openhaard,” like I had reasoned out the night before, to not go home with paper that had gone toxic. Paper that has gone out with the rest of my trash (including that “overdue” yogurt) today. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow my tasks are:

  • Letting the technician in and giving him access to the hoofdaansluiting so that he (or – though never experienced – she) can install my internet connection. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Studying economics, law and mathematics.
  • Cycling to Burger King because tomorrow I want to grill rib-eye steak and eat it with spinach and twister fries. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I have wifi (and don’t have to use my phone for that anymore) I’m planning on starting to follow a German series (I think it will be Weissensee but I might change my mind if I see something better) without subtitles to improve my German. For I’ll never be attending mandatory German class – except for the lecture before the first midterm – and the course has a speaking component.

For the sake of weight watching I think I’ll make this cake on October 31st to eat by myself when I turn 23.

Ah I wish it was 2029 because then at least I’m ProfFangs. Can it be final exam week already…? ๐Ÿ™

Why are we not Cuddles? ๐Ÿ™ Can someone please answer this because I really just don’t understand that either.

I’ll be thinking about that, as usual.

Ciao sweetie ♥

– xxx –

23:59 (11:59 PM) [GMT +2]

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“Ready to Propose” [Monday, October 14, 2019]

Ready… This morning my first proposal for academic acknowledgement will be handed over. I will go down on one knee and say: “Will you cherish this rough diamond and be my Graeyniss?” Just kidding. By means of proposing, I will give a short explanation and regardless of interest I will not go home with the proposal of 50+ pages I have written for all of my professors.

My love,

The last couple of days have been full with working on my proposal, taking care of houesehold stuff (and getting my bike repaired), planning my birthday, re-braiding my hair and a three-day trip to the Netherlands.

“Ready to Propose”

I got the idea for this proposal during my first lecture Informatiesystemen on *date*. On *date* I, after a while of reasoning it out, started writing it (better said “making the structure and inserting the essays and my resumรฉ that are my appendices).

The Pressure Behind it

The printer I have in my apartment does not have cardridges in it yet, and I reallyyy want to start handing my proposal out from my first lecture at 08:30 today onwards. I will explain that I would like to publish a new book of which the content should be representable for at least a bachelor economist. That I hope that my professors will acknowledge this (and don’t have to live the dreadful life of a regular student anymore, with the uncommon background of a publisher I have).

Especially because I have no connection with my fellow students at all (except the handful of students I talk to every now and then and the maths student I have invited to my party, but other than that I am alone alllll of the time it’s depressing (but rather alone than hanging with people I don’t feel a connection with though. Who else is actively working on a revolutionary strategy?)), I hope that what I state in my proposal can become reality. If they decline my proposal… I will be bound to three years of not having time for my business, while my depression is getting worse. It will be very hard for me if they say no.

As a student, I am so alone that it’s hard for me to attend classes. With the proposal to hand out I have the feeling that being present is really useful

If they say yes, I might just get my business off the ground properly.

With the state of my proposal, I should postpone handing it out with one day… But for structure and impatience’s sake I really cannot wait any longer. Ik wil echt heel graag weten waar ik aan toe ben. Will I be happily challenged or will I be depressed?

The state of me proposal…

The State of my Proposal

Last Friday I went to the Netherlands for my mother’s birthday dinner. And after my last time there, for efficiency’s sake, I chose to stay until Sunday, so that I didn’t have to rush for the train after (or during) dinner and could re-braid my hair which had gone frizzy.

I finished braiding my hair at 7 PM on Sunday. (And started loosening my previous braids after dinner on Friday.) My last direct train left at 22:10 (10:10 PM) and I had one chapter to finish and a new chapter to write, still. I printed this proposal at 21:45 (09:45 PM), to make it just in time for the last non-direct train that left at 22:14.

To go somewhere to print out a report of 49 pages, before my lecture starts at 08:45 AM, is not possible for me. And with these feelings of academic despair I really can’t postpone asking this any longer. So I had to get creative, hoping that my proposal won’t be denied just for the way I handed it in. (This is not the Netherlands, so I consider the chance a little higher that it will not be declined because of that reason.)

In the train, I realized that I forgot to write the summary.

So it’s hand-written…

The content

I don’t have a hole puncher here, so…

Had to get creative…

The pages are well-aligned yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

I also don’t have paperclips (and the color is printed quite badly ๐Ÿ™ ), so this is the end result…

I’m hungry and usually don’t really have time for dinner in the morning, though tired, so I’m making pourridge now.

Please don’t judge me…

After eating a little of it and refrigerating the rest for tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

Wish me luck for later…

Love you โ™ฅ


03:22 (AM) [GMT +2]


Back to the Drawing Board ๐Ÿ™

I couldn’t even hand the thing over. I said that I’m an author and owner of a little publishing company, wanting to work on a new project representable for a bachelor economist, for which academic acknowledgement is required. After that I wanted to show him the 2 sections relevant for him to see. Namely the table row with the 3 research questions relevant for his subject and the paragraph in which those questions are explained.

But even before I could show it, he said: “No, I don’t do that.” It might have seemed like I wanted him to read a long book, though in reality it’s just a chapter of the entire book I need the perspective of any professor on. But after this “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no, further explaining is a waste of time. Going from a “no” to a “yes” in a proposal for cooperation is working together in a completely spoiled mood anyway. It was my intention to hand it over to let the receiver think it over for a week, saying: “Even if you decide to throw it in the trash, this proposal is yours. I don’t want to keep it.” But no is no, so I just said “okay” and left. I don’t understand society at all man why does everyone want to be so stagnate.

Furthermore I was bored out of my mind at the lecture again. I could spend that time far more efficiently studying at home and working on my new book then without the approval of “someone from the field”. (My fucking target audience. x_x ) I need to restrategize man suicidal thoughts are resurfacing and being in that crowd makes it worse. Though I’ll be attending English class (because I’ll be giving a presentation on November 18 and she might say something relevant and skipping more than 20% of classes would mean a lower final grade, and I want an A+, so…) at 4 today.

I’ll show you the full proposal later today. Hmmm in what other way could I carry out my mission. And who wants to burn the proposal with me? I need to get this fucking thing out of my sight. ๐Ÿ™

With this awful feeling of wanting to cry but rather wanting to smash something, but not doing anything because why would I be weak, I’ll be doing the dishes and going to the ugh facility management who has a key to my apartment and uses “je ziet maar” en “wanneer wil je omkomen” in e-mails my god. ๐Ÿ™


11:25 (AM) [GMT +2]


Lil Heartbreak 33.0

Here’s the proposal. Yes I know it’s a mess but at least please look at it. ๐Ÿ™ What I wrote by pen is typed out in handwriting font (I still have the draft here in my notebook).

The actual proposal is in a better place now. Out of my sight. ๐Ÿ™ (Yes sorry I don’t separate my trash because I’m alone and it’s such a small amount if I separate it it takes longer for a trash bag to get full and trash will get smelly.) It’s quite relieving though.

Alternatieve Academische Erkenning

Click here to download it.

I think an alternative route to success could be traditionally (regular marketing, e-books and hardcovers everywhere) publishing SchizoFangia (with a photo shoot of me in a strait jacket) and a Wikipedia page…

But I should take a moment to breathe and orient myself because my feelings of depression and rage are influencing my thinking a lot. I want to say so much but I know I might regret that later. Saying that it was a “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no is something I already regret, because I don’t know if that was the reason, because I just walked away. Though from the little sigh with eye rolling type of pronunciation, I must say that it feels like a “Ah I have experience with students writing things and they always make so many mistakes that in the end it will feel like I’d have written the entire book by myself and I don’t even get compensated for it.” That was what pushed my buttons, because with me you basically only have to say “Yes” or globally express what you don’t like, and I do the rest myself. Plus I wanted to split the revenue with those who support me.

Fuck this though I’m depressed enough already. If I hear this from all of my professors I will have jumped off this apartment building by the end of the week. So the entire proposal is off the table now. Plus honestly I think my previous work is post-doctoral enough already.


I’m going to get these washing machine jetons, go past the university bookstore to ask why I – after more than two weeks – have not received a notification that the books I ordered have been delivered and attend English class. ๐Ÿ™ I’ll FangChatdiarypost you after that. โ™ฅ (Unless I pass out from fatigue. Keep an eye on my Twitter please.)


15:05 (03:05 PM) [GMT +2]

Before I further dive in to how much I am disappointed in life and causality, let me start with a different topic…

Party Planning

About a week ago I sent my (digital) birthday invitations. I sent (including my mother contacting friends of the family of whom I don’t have a phone number) about 70 invitations. The last time I did this was when I turned 19. About the same people are invited. In the invitation I said that because of the amount of people invited… Ah let me show you the invitation. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s another essay ahahahhaahaha ๐Ÿ™ .

I will be scrolling down for this occasion…

November 2nd because of work and the travel distance for most people

It’s so long it had a “read more” button…

Yaa long story

Feels weird to have a gift list

30 people or so have confirmed their attendance. Most people have told me that they already have plans for that day. (That could mean so many things… But I’d rather not think about that.)

We’re going to have some fun. ๐Ÿ™‚ Will you be attending as well? Ha if I’d get a penny for every time someone reading my blog ignored that. If you’re Graey you’re so welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚ Putting my info here out in the open might not be that convenient when it comes to the risk of a Project X, but it’s not the first time I share my location etc. so…

On November 1st I have plans of laying in bed with the sheets over my head and not opening the blinds and not wearing clothes all day. ๐Ÿ™‚

Another type of planning I will have to do certainly now that I went down on one knee and heard “no”, is study planning.

Study Planning

Today I finally got the remainder of books that was not present at the university store when I bought them, so I can start catching up without the feeling that something is missing. (Though it turns out that for accounting and sociology books that are not sold by the university store are required for the course. It is referred to all the time. I’ll have to magician โ‚ฌ200 or so to buy them.)

If I can keep my eyes open after preparing tomorrow’s mathematics practicum, I’ll start on that today. Otherwise it will be tomorrow, but I’d rather start studying tomorrow… My weekend starts from tomorrow onward. ๐Ÿ™‚ Study weekend… I will be pacinggg… Doing a chapter per day or something… (And should reallyyy cut down on trips to the Netherlands yooo.)

Only a bunch of straight (grrr fuck you ๐Ÿ™ (es adjective) ) A’s will get me past my shattered heart and the feeling of academic worth. I want to do this shit cum laude with trashy attendance rates. Honestly I think grade punishments for low attendance rates aren’t the way to go… Ah just like in English class today, we had a discussion and I learnt that most people, including me, would rather see tuition rates stay the same than university education become free with a 1% lifetime graduate tax. (And I didn’t even play the immigration card… I just (elaborately) mentioned the government’s debt deficit, unemployment, drop-outs and overcrowded lecture halls for contra arguments.)

My study planner will include moments to work on my new book. ๐Ÿ™‚


I really wonder why the universe has put me on this path. I wonder when the hope shattering pain stops. It has to end at some point – as in I can’t become successful without cooperation and all I hear is “nooo” – I think? My fate is not to commit suicide, right? Sometimes I really just don’t know. Look at this diary and how much I struggle to get my message across.

I’m also so lonely here, while I don’t think that I’m an unbearable person to be around? I don’t understand. (Though in a way I do understand because my complex formulation – while I still always try to keep things simple – are tiring to hear at some point, I guess. Sometimes I get tired from my own thoughts. Sometimes or always, hmmm… ๐Ÿ™ But there must be someone with whom I can declutter my thoughts, whose thoughts I can declutter. You know how highly intelligent people often convince themselves of things that are incorrect because they’re trying too hard to fit in… I miss this person so much that it makes me feel empty. I think Tishe is hoogbegaafd? (And I think I can sense when someone is.)

My laundry will be dried in a few…

It was a lot

Why always when I walk around in my sweats I come across hot people. x_x I didn’t expect someone to step out of the elevator… My hello was so awkward. x_x

I must go, my love.

Love youuu 😸 ♥


22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT +2]

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Boropasi [Sunday, October 6, 2019]

I’ve been thinking out my boropasi to climb up the academic ladder. Boropasi (with the “B” from “Book”, the “O” from “Order”, the “R” from “Rotterdam”, another “O” from “Order”, the “P” from “Pasta”, the “A” from “Dwaas” (as far as I know, English does not have a word with the A-sound from “boropasi”), the “S” from flattening tyre (lol yesssss), and the “I” from “Receive”) means “sluiproute”, “shortcut”, in Sranan Tongo (“my dialect” (I am not that fluent in)). Specifically the type of shortcut where one maneuvers through rural lands or residential areas, making the passenger travelling with the local think “Is this really the way there…?” Yes, it’s just a boropasi.

My love,

Last night I visioned a way to climb up the academic ladder in a way that genuinely resembles academic skill and that also suits my specific situation (as in it’s not really something any student could do, which is what I need because I need to be able to claim the exception). There’s some fine-tuning that needs to be done for the concept still, though. Let me first tell you how I got there…

Granny Turned 83

It was my grandmother’s 83rd birthday yesterday, of which the celebration started around 5 PM. My mother and I scheduled, about a week ago, to go for lunch the same day. But in the meantime so many tasks came up…

Like getting these rails to het milieupunt (in the Netherlands because in Belgium it’s more expensiveยฟ In the Netherlands it’s “free”(though WOZ belasting is paid), as well as my empty cans of paint and my (more than 30 years) old rice cooker that broke down two nights ago.

Like an estafette because they were too tall for the elevator. I hold this then my mother walks to the stairs below to hold them so I can walk to the stairs below, et cetera.

On a windy way to the Netherlands

Together with our new friendย  on my mother’s scarf (travelling with an open window haha)

Yay technology ๐Ÿ˜€

And getting these groceries I can’t find in Belgium.

That will be some dinner on Monday meowwww

And I had to go past Rabobank to finally cancel that Elia PR bank account. (Turned out that when I called the help desk on Thursday, though my balance was – โ‚ฌ1, I was sent cancellation forms. I thought they couldn’t send it without my balance on โ‚ฌ0.) When I got to my parents’ house, the cancellation forms were there. (Posted right before going for the train. ๐Ÿ™‚ )


For lunch we had a Subway steak & cheese sandwich in the car haha.

At my parents’ house after doing all that, my grandmothers and a friend of my sister were there. We were chatting. Later my aunt and cousin came. Later my sister and her boyfriend. By that time we still hadn’t heard that the Surinamese home cooked-style food we ordered was ready. It was already paat 8 and my train left at 10 PM. ๐Ÿ™ By the time we got the food my mother dropped me off at Rotterdam Centraal, with my dinner in my bag, just a few minutes early for my train. ๐Ÿ™

In the train, I drafted my academic boropasi. (Coming up with the name this morning.) Hungry, I ate at home.


Really short drafty

It was tasty but now I really need a Basic Fit membership (though I will get that once I get my stu-fi about which I also have something to say later in this post) for eating past 11 PM again. x_x


At once, it is my aim to:

  • Be challenged
  • Achieve academic acknowledgement (with a title)
  • Create new business opportunities
  • Work on a new project (in which the 3-year curriculum is implemented)

With my boropasi, I could do this in a lot less than 3 years. If my professors (basically all of them) accept my proposal. That proposal consists of 4 parts.


And I really need to put an extra layer of blackboard paint on my wall. x_x

  1. My motivation
    About who I am and why I am doing this.
  2. Previous works
    An overview of what I’ve been writing about – including part 2 of Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy which will be online by the time I hand this in – with a selection of essays in the appendix. This is the main thing that distinguishes me from other students. (What I’ve written about Keynes and Evolving Individualism, basically. Maybe also my Business Overture…)
  3. Implementing the Curriculum
    An overview of the way I will use theories from each subject in practice in this project. For some I will be answering self-stated research questions like these:

    For others I will be implementing knowledge into D.O.C.I.S. International.

  4. “The Deal”
    I hope to publish the essays written in context of the curriculum can be published as a book that is reviewed (and co-written) by my professors. What would be even cooler is if they would also publish (some of) their own (pending) works with D.O.C.I.S. International. And to do a film project when the book is out.
    And that by the end of all that I may be called prof. dr. ir. Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs. And attract investors.

Though my last post I said that I want to hand this in on Monday. My aim will be to hand it in the Monday after that. Let me catch up with what I missed the past 2 weeks, work this proposal out in peace (not longer than 5 pages excluding appendices), and live a short student experience (going to the introduction week of the African Youth Organization starting Monday) before I hopefully change (and take control of) my study experience.

My mother warned me they could tell me that I should skip my side projects and just be a regular student for three years, and that I should consider talking to a study advisor. It has incentivized me to look at the bright side of starting to hand out my proposal a Monday later. Only a professor could make me a professor, so no need for a study advisor. (Maar gerichter en schematischer te werk gaan om een herhaling van 2017 te voorkomen. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Meowww I will be mopping the floor and cleaning the toilet and stuff… And having dinner… After that, I have some more things I would like to share. About the planned reform of the study finance system, about my recent activity on Twitter, about my furniture, about a potential birthday party, about my Tantalus torment love feelings, et cetera. (Ah and by the way I got that psychiatric phone call Friday at almost five, when I was taking a long nap, waking up past their office hours. So I will call back on Monday.)ย  ๐Ÿ™‚


17:27 (05:27 PM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen


It has come to my attention that the system of study finance has been discussed in Dutch politics quite often lately, as a terrible mistake that should be reversed immediately. That it causes stress for students, is the argument used to defend that most often.

It might cause stress, but they all know what they have gotten themselves into, so I don’t see why that should be a reason to abolish it? I know the risk I’m taking. People saying that “That is a lot of money that has to be paid back,” are like students being told that after 1 year they will get a test about 100 pages, and then 2 days before the test say that 100 pages is too much for a test. We have been well informed. (Including the interest rate that could skyrocket out of nowhere.)

With my boropasi and other plans, I am working hard to be able to pay it back. And so are many others.

(Not saying that it was not a terrible idea to create this much debt for both students and the government. But now that it is here…)

I hope that by reversing it, they will re-introduce “de basisbeurs”, or something else “low-risk”, for future students. For current students, I don’t recommend to force them to the same switch. Because people like I build on that loan system now. I can’t pay my rent and other bills if they’d suddenly say: “Zooo kijk eens Dominique hier โ‚ฌ350 per maand helemaal van jou. ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

I really wonder what their plans for transition will be. I will be watching closely…

Keti Koti

Another thing I’ve heard is that Prime Minister Rutte has been, by mister Kuzu from the DENK party, asked to attend the coming edition of Keti Koti. I wonder what his response will be. It’s something controversial – for the Netherlands denies being racist so then he can’t say no to this right, but if he says yes then he will get racists all over him saying things about betrayal I’m sure (though people are always calling him all kinds of things anyway so I would go if I were him) – so I really wonder how he will go about this.

If he would go then it would finally be forced to be taken seriously nationally. Watching it last year was hard (can’t get rid of that image of that interviewer trying to force someone to say “I love chicken” and Surinamese nationalism was inappropriate as well. It should be about multicultural unity and equality). If he goes then I want to go too. (As his friendly +1 yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Could my boropasi make that possible? )

Twitter Activity

A few nights ago, I had one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep and tweeted whatever came to mind all night long. Followed by expressing my frustration from uni being less challenging than I expexted. And then venting frustration about how most people don’t like to use their brains after seeing so many non-interested students.

Note to self: I should stop venting these things on Twitter because people do not understand.

En het komt ook heel anders uit de verf wanneer het in 140 tekens is samengevat.

May my boropasi lead me to people who do care. And only people who do care. Non-interested people are very toxic.

Where’s my Fauteuil?

As you may have noticed, a lot of furniture from the design I drafted in the blog post before I moved in here actually is in my apartment. Simultaneously, a lot of things are not. Things I have been drooling over, such as a big carpet and a red fauteuil. Both in the living room.

I still intend to add those things to my apartment. It just needs to wait until I have money like that to spend (again)… Hopefully my boropasi will add to this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Throwing a Party?

I’ve already said that I’d rather not celebrate my birthday. But quite some people would like to visit my new place, plus my studies, so best would be to have everyone visit me when I throw a birthday party the weekend of November 1st. A party on the roof of the building I live in.

Though I don’t know though. I don’t feel emotionally ready to be smiling and entertaining guests and giving house tours. So much I don’t want to discuss happened since the last party I threw. Plus I can’t invite Tishe and my B ๐Ÿ™ . And Antwerp is far from where most people I’d invite live.

But I’ve already been told that it’s easy to put the party tent we have at home up on the roof top. And it would be a housewarming at the same time. Plus there are hotels next to the building I live in so the drunks could stay there lol. And most of all, my parties are often so busy that discussing the past is quite impossible. I’ll be chatty all over the place.

Ah by the way, I wonder how my boropasi will influence my regular schedule. Like will I still have to be a regular student? Or (big yays) will I be surrounded by Graeynissis only?

Meanwhile I have washed, dried and put away the dishes, shut off the lights in the living room et cetera. The idea of throwing a party going through my mind as I was doing these things. I think I should go really for it. Soon. I think it will be fun. And should start claiming people’s agendas for a trip to Antwerp like tomorrow. I’ll ask the facility manager what the procedure is for throwing rooftop parties, and inform my neighbors with a letter.

PartyFangs ayyy she hopes to see you. ๐Ÿ™‚ Though again I should be careful, because no Project X type of things. But you’re welcome if you know how to find me. ๐Ÿ™‚


These love feelings seem to get more serious by the day. Because every day, more and more I see that there is no one like him.

I wonder if he thinks of me the way I think of him. And if he still visits my blog.

This is a Tantalus torment to me, because every time I zone out (and do not focus on the Head Cuddle lol) and every time I lay down, I get lost in the fantasy I have of him. We have the type of love I wish I had with my ex. A respectful, sweet and passionate type of love. I don’t know if that will ever be, or if it will just stay this fantasy. That is what makes this the most Tantalus-ish. I wonder if my boropasi can contribute to seeing him again. (And/or be my birthday guest omg meowww.)

It is that night again. Taking a bath seems to have become a Sunday night thing.

Not long before undressing, I took this picture

Without eating tiramisu this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a lecture tomorrow at 08:30 and I’ll be zen soaking for a little while longer. See you tomorrow.


00:06 (12:06 AM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

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Fast Track Cravings [Thursday, October 3, 2019]

They are so intense I can barely keep control of my body. These fast track cravings.

My love,

I remember exactly why I dropped out now. That feeling causing it is back. Stronger than before. But now I know how to channel it.

It is a feeling I had the first time when I was 4 years old. Many people with high intelligence experience this: expecting to be educationally challenged, and then the class turns out to be 95% things you already knew. I understand that things should, at the beginning, be explained from scratch. In that way, it is certain that everyone has seen all material required for the final exam.ย (Though that’s what I missed at Mathematics.)

But it’s like torture to me… The feeling it causes really feels like I think what wearing a strait jacket while raging feels like.

I had my first lecture this morning, as an Economics student. Business Informatics, started at 08:30 AM.

I went for “the nonchalant”

It’s a lottt busier than the classes in the Mathematics curriculum. Kinda missed this in a way.

Apparently and luckily – because that means I have nothing to catch up for this subject – it was the first class of this subject for this year. An elaborate introduction of something one has advanced knowledge in, is torture to someone with high intelligence. Sometimes I completely lost focus on the professor’s speech, because my inner voice was raging from frustration, about things like: “Ah, okay, we are explained the entire course overview though that must be on paper somewhere… Did he really just explain what an information system is? I thought that that was common knowledge. ๐Ÿ™ ”

Yes. ๐Ÿ™ But ~suits~ so it’s all good.


There are plenty of things I would like to share with you, but the clock is ticking and this frustrating strait jacket feeling is hitting me like it did in 2016. Though now I think I can handle it better. The people I studied with in 2016 must have thought “Why is she so aggressive?” Haha the lack of challenge is depressing. But I think I hid my strait jacket feeling better this time. During the break, I shared my cookies [I bought a box of butter galettes at the Lidl and fill little sachets with them to eat during little breaks] with the person who was sitting to my right, who asked me if I was able to connect to the internet. I gave him breakfast. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve been taking notes.

Excuse me my dear, I have to run. I’m not going to let this nearly kill me again. My next class starts at 4, I’m a changed student now and I’m going to go to the cursusdienst (like university study shop with books and stuff) and buy all books for this year and then mash all of its content up in some essay, book, paper or whatever because this really is torture to me. And it’s tricky because the information explained at the very last lectures of a course are always completely new to me as well – for Informatiesystemen it will be about modern things like Blockchain and stuff I know averagely less about (as in I’m not buying it and following news about it and stuff, or know how it was funded etc.) – which was my pitfall in 2016.

Before the week ends, I will have a proposal for a way to challenge myself with the course material of this year of study and not feel like committing suicide from now non-challenging it is. I need to buy these books and get to that, though simultaneously I want to sleep because I haven’t slept last night, the kitchen is a mess and I need to make dinner for myself but I want to sleep. Plus become a professor before the year ends or something. If this is the pace. ๐Ÿ™ (Please do not let it be about time but be about skill. ๐Ÿ™ )

Then I could hand those proposals to my professors and see if they want to join me in this. If I could get them to read it in the first place. I’ve been scaring off Graeynissis like crazy lately. ๐Ÿ™


14:13 (02:13 PM) [GMT -2]


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On Track [Wednesday, October 2, 2019]

My life โ™ฅ

How’s life?

Different? The same? Fun? Or lame?

Do you have enough time for your passions?

You know that everything you dislike about life will vanish in 3 years, right? Maybe it will be less. Hopefully it will not be more.

On Track

I’m on track. ๐Ÿ™‚

My soup left-overs are in the fridge and I have scrubbed the black paint off of my feet. And in the long run, I will end up where I desire to be no matter what. Regardless what gets there first: my business or my professorship.

I don’t know how many off days I will have until my education program edit is processed, but I really need some time to throw around my websites again, using a content management system for my business website and smoothly ending my book club permanently. I should have kept my concept less interactive the way it was before I funded the book club…

Before that – though I should really get to it because it’s like a store display that says that I’m out of business haha – I’d like to get to my research and actually also start writing a new book. I’d like to replace the book club and reselling part of my book store (meoow for a printing press and publishing D.O.C.I.S. editions of books with an introduction written by me yay) with that in my figurative store display.

When it comes to professorship I’d like to – as you know – write a ton of papers instead of following the herd up the academic ladder. But for the apartment I’m coming home to, anything is fine, really. ๐Ÿ™‚


In the past few years, my “normal” heart rate suited a “I’m in a life or death situation and I’m running for my life”-type of situation (a description of how fast my heart goes “normally”). But last night, I noticed it’s easier for me to register separate beats again. Now my heart rate suits an “omg my crush is standing right there”-situation (description of my current type of heart rate).

“Just do what makes you happy,” is the most natural way to heal my tachycardia, is what doctor Franz said last time I visited him.

Living on my own makes me so happy I still can’t believe that this is real. On top of that, I love the prospect of becoming ProfFangs. I think that is why my heart rate is stabilizing. Though I should really go for a check-up, for my last check-up was over a year ago, I believe.

Because sometimes I still feel light headed and still feel random intense pains. Like my back is killing me right now. And sometimes I feel like I can faint at any moment. But then I meditate on the fact that I am all alone here, so I really cannot pass out. It has been working this far. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I feel like passing out sleep-wise. After getting wild laky meow bathing in candle light is one of my weaknesses.

Not unusual trippy time of day good night ♥


03:03 AM [GMT -2]

Antwerpen Kievitwijk

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Heysss โ™ฅ

Last Night

I clicked “confirm” yesterday around 6 PM

After that, I realized that it’s no use going to lectures (especially because the fact that it does not suit my educational background is a bit saddening), so I have off days until my change of education program has been processed.

And I really miss the white boards I used to have in my room – not that I want them back, because I have a better alternative to be mentioned soon – for being able to quickly note whatever comes to mind I should memorize.

So I figured, today – though my flu is getting worse – is a good day to paint that one wall with school board paint. A full wall so that I have a lot of space to write wildly. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s like a dream of mine.

So that is what I did last night until about 23:30 PM: preparing for today’s paint job.

Including wiping the wall with paint remover, by means of preparing.

Oh and I haven’t showed you this angle of my apartment yet: no television. ๐Ÿ˜€ I should get a painting for this wall though, though I’d like it to become my projection wall for when I purchase a beamer for gaming and perhaps an occasional movie.

Ah and I go crazy from having bio trash in my house (e.g. slicing an onion and throwing away the skin). The scent is awful. A large trash can with a lid (and separate containers to sort waste) should be on top of my list now. I can’t wait until I can write stuff like this down on my wall.

Me throwing away trash at 11 PM.

Oh and messy but I made salad and gebakken tonijn last night

Not that rosรฉ but still best tuna I’d ever whipped

Tea & een krentenbol met pindakaas en chocopasta as late night snack

I washed these sheets and stuff yesterday. Though I have more dekbedovertrekken, this is the only one I find prettyyy.

Ah and my grandfather’s boooks (just a handful of them though) – except the book by Stephen Hawking – meowww I’ll be able to make better use of them with the education program I switched to. โ™ฅ

I’m going to get to painting now. Afterwards, I’ve listed some things last night I’d like to mention today.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


Wall for Crayons

It’s finished yay ๐Ÿ™‚

Never before had I painted a wall. I think I did quite well. Especially because this is not for aesthetics but for crayons. ๐Ÿ™‚

It took longer than I thought though. Mainly because I used a small roller of a foam texture. The big rollers I have, I only have in a fluffy texture and that did not only not suit the type of paint I was using, it also did not suit my parsimonious way of painting.

I started around 2 and was finished around 7. In total, I used 1 liter of blackboard paint. Because I didn’t have more. 1.5 liter would have been better for a more solid second layer. Something my gut told me way before I started, but I’d rather spend that โ‚ฌ20 on something else (and stay inside all day).

I love its matte finish. (& That stain on the ceiling is from me making a trippy move on the ladder, staining the ceiling with black paint and then removing that with paint remover, leaving a mix of wiped out black paint and the base color of the ceiling behind. x_x)

From tomorrow I can write on it yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ (And when I move, I should either paint this white myself or hire a painting service.)

Educational Transition

I wonder how long it will take for my switch of program to be logged. I mean I find it really chill to have some time to enjoy my apartment without thinking of pending school tasks, but the longer it takes, the more I miss.

Economist suits ProfFangs better than Mathematician, I guess. I’m very happy with my decision, and happy that I did it this way. Without having tapped into mathematics education here, I would not have known it does not suit me. Now, in case I find economics not challenging enough again, I know it’s better to stick to challenging myself by using the theory in practice. It’s better than having trying to keep up as my challenge.

Plus, as a Mathematician I think one should enjoy being challenged by mathematical puzzles and making mathematical puzzles for others, and I do not always have that insight.

So yes yay, at least three years of economics (for becoming ProfFangs takes more time, according to the academic system) coming up.

Previously, blogging as Lil Fangs and existing in general were like torture, being stuck in the same spot. Now, as a student, I will be stuck in the student spot for a while, but at least it will get me somewhere in this sheepy shit system and at least I have my own apartment that is designed in a way that is very satisfying to me.

Really, my blogging only has purpose when I’m shaking things up. (En dan bedoel ik contextueel mijn handen aan de knoppen hebben als in economisch beleid met een wiskundige grondslag.) Other than that, I’m just posting new things so that people keep visiting my websites and I will have an audience when I finally get to shaking things up.

So yes, this does not comply with any how-to-run-a-business sheepy customs. As everyone notices. Lights. This is not a product made to be popular. If that were so, that means that I’d have to dumb it down way further.

I’m still not shaking things up. And I still have a lot of half-contextual things to mention. To give you an impression of why my blog posts – except my books, poems and essays – have been about nothing: this post is themed painting a wall. While my psychiatric past is still haunting me and there still has been no Volta. Though me living on my own now has caused a Lil Volta of 70%. All I need to do is seal things (but that includes my title of ProfFangs and that takes long ๐Ÿ™ ) and then I can start shaking things up. Sociopolitieconomilegally. (Notice the 1 “l”, for I’m not breaking any rules.)


Oh my goddd I’m turning 23 in exactly one month from now. x_x 23 and I’m still not changing the world with my alternative policy in practice meow this hurts. What hurts more than that is my past 2 birthdays. Therefore I do not want to celebrate my birthday. I’m considering to visit my shrink on November 1st. The most stressful and traumatic day of the year to me. The sentiment that comes with birthdays, combined with the hurtful loneliness I’ve experienced on my past 2 birthdays. I’m happy I can be alone now…

Though I’d rather not be 100% alone the way I am right now. I’d like to be 99% alone, accompanied by some sexy Graeynissis. Our minds are so similar that being together feels the same as being alone: I can act just as “weird” without feeling weird (or being called “weird”).

What would be over-satisfyingly sexy right now is a houseTishe. Like I couldn’t help but notice and worry those above averagely frequent weeks off? Next time being free be my houseTishe, please? ๐Ÿ˜€ We can be alone now. =x I’m just so curious about perception and vrijetijskleding enzo…

We moeten gewoon een keer voor de grap de rollen omdraaien ofzo. (Ik wil echt heel graag een huisman met een haarnetje. Ahahaha just kidding.) Wil best graag kostwinnaar zijn. And then come home to you every day. 😻

Meowww I’m going to take a bath and – in contrast to last time’s no phone policy – write a new blog post.

To be continued.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


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Buckle Up [Monday, September 30, 2019]

My love โ™ฅ

How are you? I’ve been missing you. I love it when our minds intertwine from having a similar outlook on life. We know what euphoria feels like, but know (emotional) heartache in the exact same way.

This post is titled “Buckle Up”, for it seems like I’m taking you along on my journey of biting down (happy I have that anti-knars bitje) and keeping my head up for three years, before I can resume all that I’ve been working on and have that work acknowledged. Het moet dan maar. Why is life constructed in this way. ๐Ÿ™ It is draining the gifted. ๐Ÿ™

If I had put my current effort into my economics studies, I would have been an honor student with ease. Now I’m basically working hard to not fall out of the boat. If continue like this, I will make it. But things like playing basketball and writing books I will have to sacrifice to scour the internet for texts that further explain the reason(ing) behind the material that seems revision for anyone but me. This far, I can follow all that is explained, but do not have the feeling like I can now answer any question about it on a test.

Meow in the end all I want to be able to do is translate the concepts for societal reform and financial reform, to mathematics. With signs and symbols that are not used yet, for they describe new concepts that do not look like the concepts that determine our lives today. What we’ve been doing this far – aside from Calculus – does not add to that, but it seems like with hydrodynamics and hydrostatics I will be able to explain how and why (especially after it having been highed up several times) there’s no way back after a dyke floods. (And if it happens now, I live on the 7th floor. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

I look forward to financial mathematics sooo muchhh! The next semester seems so far away, though 2019 goes by pretty fast.

I’m striving towards 0 resits. Simultaneously, I just want to work on my own models. But it seems like I really have to put my own endeavors on hold and follow the flock for the coming 3 years. I fear that my depression will get worse from this, but I see no other way to accomplish what I wish to accomplish.

I’m sick ๐Ÿ™

My head is throbbing, my nose is runny, I sneeze every minute and I get dizzy crazy fast. It was my intention to cycle to school today, but I woke up feeling so messed up that I couldn’t even leave my bed. If I would have cycled, I’d have passed out for sure.

This was me last night

Those tissues are thus not from me having a mental breakdown from having to conform to the system and let go of the work I am so passionate about. The tissues are because I have the flu or a cold or something.

Ah meow my family (including my grandmothers) were here Saturday and we’ve finished the essentials of my apartment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I have 4 dining chairs instead of 2 ๐Ÿ™‚

And the curtains and side table are there ๐Ÿ™‚

Plus the curtains in my bedroom

And the lamp in my bathroom ๐Ÿ™‚

We ended the night on the roof here. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was fun. And they were all expressing how proud they are to see me live on my own.

One of grandmothers called me the next day to express that again and her blessings. And to ask me if I was going to visit the Netherlands. And to state that – for when I mentioned my studies, I mentioned that I will lose my home if I fail – if I lose my home, I will also lose all love and support. My gut already warned me for that. Now it is confirmed.

Currently drinking tea with honey and lime juice. (That mentos thing is there because I haven’t found a place for it yet.)

Today, though I feel messed up, I really have to go past the laundry store because I have 0 clothes left. And I should ask for the right key for my mailbox (and ask if my name tag can still be changed because I asked for first letters and last name and not first name and last letters ๐Ÿ™ ). And I should call Rabobank to cancel that bank account I don’t use but do pay for, and call Scarlet to ask when someone can come and insta my internet, as well as give them my correct number.

And then, of course, get to linear algebra and geometry, getallen en verzamelingen and calculus (and catch up the physics I missed today). Today is also the first basketball training, but it seems like I won’t be doing that at all.

I’m so tired. ๐Ÿ™ And sick of suppressing the inspiration I have for my endeavors. But I hope this day of being sick bed petje contributes to being healthy and sharp for my 10:45 – 18:00 day tomorrow.

I’ll be baxk when I’m at the laundry store. xxx


13:00 (01:00 PM) [GMT -2]



Meanwhile I’ve also gone to the Lidl for a new box of tissues. I switched to kitchen paper yesterday.

Something I’ve also done in the meantime is send a request to transition my education program from mathematics to applied economics with a focus on economic policy. I chose mathematics because I want a serious challenge, and the potential acknowledgement of my models, but with the type of mathematical thinking that is expected of me as foreknowledge, with no written source available to catch up, I see keeping this up is suicide. It’s better for me to switch to something I know I can do, while I still can.

When I was putting my grandfather’s books in my bookcase, I was already thinking that economics suits the knowledge I already have a lot better. I can continue my studies of evolutionary economics and will have more time to breathe. Plus what I learn I can implement in my business – the business that will continue to exist – right away.

Drying yay I’ll be chilling here until like past 5 x_x.

Truthfully, I don’t want to do any of this. The only reason why I’m doing this is because people don’t take my academic reasoning seriously without at least one academic degree. (Bet there are a lot of people who do not want me to be able to do what I can do with and without a degree anyway. But when I have a degree there’s no way around it.) Studying the mandatory contents of a pre-determined program is more awful with that motivation behind it. But that seems to be life. ๐Ÿ™‚

Speaking of life, I really wonder what the conclusion of the psychiatric surveillance people in Rotterdam will be coming Friday.

When I was having lunch with my mother after having signed my rental agreement Thursday two weeks ago, I saw my case manager called me and – something I often do regardless who it is because I simply really really really do not like phone calls – let it go to voicemail. Not much later my mother’s phone rang and she clicked decline. When I asked her who that was, the said it was my case manager.

Last Friday, she called me again when I was 20 minutes early for my physics lecture. I figured to make this surveillance shit stop permanently I can’t keep avoiding conversation with those people forever. So I picked up.

We hadn’t spoken each other in quite a long time. I was asked about my holiday (I assume to Curaรงao but it could have even been Egmond), nothing about the presentation I gave (wonder if they took that seriously, since to them I am still a schizophrenic), if my studies have started and if I have found an apartment. There was a little silence after I said that I moved to Antwerp, and my question if they shouldn’t leave me alone because the region of Rotterdam is their territory and have – especially because there is no warrant for me – no authority at all past the Dutch border.

That we should consider ambulante or particuliere zorg in Belgium was the response I got to that. I said that if – with the emphasis on if – I choose to request any type of care at all, it will be particulier and not ambulant via een GGZ instelling bleghhh.

Doctor Helberg has logged the truth anyway so, aside from keeping their file in case I ever get the courage to sue them, the shit they have been logging about me can be used to light a cozy bonfire.

Truthfully, I have no interest in more therapy. All I ever wanted is my medical record in the Netherlands to show the truth about me, so that when employers – if they don’t already – get the authority to view their employee’s medical records, it shows “high intelligence makes her feel lonely” and not “she’s a mentally insane, unpredictable schizophrenic with a learning problem”. That’s all.

Furthermore, I know my depression will seize to exist when I’m not financially dependent on my parents anymore and when I see my societal concepts in practice.

Man I wish I could just write a book full of papers and let that count as triple promotion. I have many reasons why I don’t even try. The main reason is that I feel in no position to defend my high intelligence. I’m one of the oldest people there. (And the program for entrepeneur students is – regardless if the business is established or not – for second year students.) Now I’m going to throw away another 3 years of life. I don’t like beer that much anyway. ๐Ÿ™

My laundry is done and I’m going to make my education program switch official. Ciaooo xxx


17:13 (05:13 PM)ย 


Online Diary, Reflections

Weekend 😻 [Saturday, September 28, 2019]

My Catjes โ™ฅ

It has been years since I longed for a weekend. I really need this time to recuperate, work on my apartment and catch up mastering course material.

I got my printed versions yesterday and went to the Action to get maps for it. (After going past het sportkot for sports access but that was not fixed yet. ๐Ÿ™ ) It was also my first time cycling through Antwerp. ๐Ÿ™‚

There I found that plaid I saw online, which is the couch its size. Though I’m considering to flip it over to its non-shiny sidd now.

And I got thisss

But to make myself enjoy my bath more, I took care of my bedroom first. Putting together the drawers for underneath my bed and organizing my clothing.

The drawers are fixed but apparently we forgot a set of rails last Sunday, so that still has to be fixed. ๐Ÿ™

Ah and I got this cute trash can for the toilet. ๐Ÿ™‚

This is now a little more tidy, in comparison to what it was first. The rails will be fixed today so yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

So I could enjoy this peacefully. Scented candles, hot chocolate, tiramisu and this amazing tub. My best bath ever. With a strict no-phone policy.

In my routine of lectures and cooking and my visit to the Netherlands et cetera, it felt like I had no time to think. Soaking in this tub, taking a moment to reflect on myself, especially reflecting on the moment itself (enjoying my bath tub in my own place for the first time), came with a calm that felt like a high.

Thoughts about my business, my aspirations, my projects (want to get to processing my research data tomorrow, If I don’t spend all day on maths course material) started to well up as well, but I’m not settled into my studies enough to focus on those other things, so I had to suppress those thoughts. There’s much more at stake in regard to my studies, in comparison to the state of my business.

As in the government wants me to unsubscribe my business because of the little revenue I make. I don’t want to unsuvscribe it, but I can just do that and still pursue my business aspirations and when I then start to make crazy figures, they should not come knocking. (On top of that, entrepeneurs under the age of 25 should get special tax regulations, I believe should become a thing.)

But for my studies – if I wouldn’t have done mathematics at the Open University, I would be struggling like crazy here because this does not comply with what I learnt in high school – there is much more at stake, because if I fuck up, I lose my home. So I’m under trippy pressure to perform and aim for straight A’s, though I have a lot to do to succeed in that. (And yes there are more reasons to perform well, but the roof above my head private space one weighs the heaviest emotionally.)

Two days ago, at the end of my appointment with dokter Helberg, he mentioned that he was going to give a reading about racism. That racism should be treated as a psychiatric disease.

I could find myself in his words. I consider racism a type of schizophrenia. Though I think the best way to cure that problem of racism being hard-wired in someone’s brain is to simply assassinate that person, because there is no way to ever make a racist think differently. And it will save a lot of people a lot of suffering.

There are not many people of my descent in this country (and in the world in general). In the Netherlands already I’ve had bad experiences with racism.ย  I wonder what this will be like here in Belgium, in the long run. If I’d be discriminated here (as long as it is not mentioned out loud, it is hard for me to notice), it would be much harder for me to find support, because the far great majority of people is not of my descent and to get their support is harder, because for them that could be considered “turning against your own kind”.

I’ve lived in isolation for so long I forgot about racism. (Which makes me miss that isolation a little.) Now, being in large crowds of people, I wonder who is a racist. I feel people stare at me and talk, for example walking though the Action with my shopping basket over capacity.

What I am writing towards is that I hope that, because I already need to work twice as hard because I’m a social sciences student of origin, I don’t have to work four times as hard because of racism. I already dealt with that shit in high school and before high school. I hope my academic supervisors will not contribute to that. I don’t know. I’m just worried. My worry makes me afraid to exchange words in general. (On top of the fact that I’m different from my fellow students in general. Different age, different background, different way of talking, different reasons to study, different interests. Those characteristics are unique for everyone.)

During the break yesterday, my new friend and I were handed a folder and were told information about an Afro-Belgian student association. I’m interested in meeting other students, and will probably go, but I’d rather be with a culturally mixed association. With the emphasis on mixed.

I’ve lived in ‘s Gravenland for the greatest part of my life, so I know what it’s like to be an ethnic minority. (Among some people who would rather not have you live in their neighborhood.) It is now the intercultural dependency (as in the person grading me, the people for whom I will defend my thesis et cetera… The academic world consists mostly of Caucasians) that worries me more than ever.

Anyway my stomach is growling, my family will be here in a few and I want to go past the laundry store and the supermarket before they arrive. Talk to you later. xxx


14:39 (02:39 PM) [GMT -2]


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Dagje Nederland [Thursday, September 26, 2019]

Haha ik zou me een keer niet hoeven haasten… Mijn wekker stond op 11:00, maar ik werd ontzettend moe wakker. Dus 11:00 werd 11:30. 11:30 werd 12:00. 12:00 werd 13:00. Dus toen moest ik voor 13:30 mijn “ontbijt” afhebben om met douchen enzo erbij op tijd te kunnen zijn voor mijn trein van 14:30.

Dat schreef ik voordat me ineens te binnen schoot dat ik de klantenservice van telecom provider Scarlet moest bellen om te kijken of ik via de klantenservice wel mijn nummer zou kunnen doorgeven, omdat het online formulier een “+32 04” nummer afdwingt, en ik een “+31 06” telefoonnummer heb. Maar met al die tunnels enzo ging dat niet echt.

Daarna ging ik me wat meer verdiepen in de “epsilon-delta-definitie” en daarvoor was ik aan het eten. Check:

13:25 en ik wilde hier noodles in bakken, maar zag al dat ik mijn eten mee zou moeten meenemen en in het enige grote meeneembakje dat ik heb zaten aardappelpuree en spinazie van gister.

Dus zodoende had ik een prakkie en skipte ik noodles want water koken op elektrisch duurt lang vergeleken met inductie.

En was het 13:40 ofzo, dus snel douchen.

Ontbijt-lunchen in de Thalys Naar Amsterdam.

Lijst van dingen die ik moet doornemen voor morgen (voor fysica gewoon kijken wat die termen รผberhaupt betekenen).

In Amsterdam was ik net op tijd voor mijn afspraak met Rossana en dokter Helberg. We bespraken mijn nieuwe start in Antwerpen, de presentatie van mijn essay, mijn vakantie en wat formele zaken over mijn dossier bij hun (of alles goed geformuleerd is). Het was chill. Het gaat altijd zo ontzettend snel meow I have so much to mention still. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Daarna eten bij mijn kennissen uit Amsterdam, waar ik een paar maanden bij gewoond heb begin dit jaar. Was er niet meer geweest sinds het moment dat ik daar weg ging met drama en al. Gelukkig zijn we allemaal pro’s in doen alsof dat allemaal niet gebeurd is. Het was fijn om er te zijn. Best jammer dat ik zo snel weer weg moest. Om de laatste Thalys naar huis te pakken en genoeg tijd over te hebben om nog even een blik op de lesstof van morgen te werpen.

Het was gezellig. De kinderen zijn echt groot aan het worden. En het was chill dat het tussen Jam en mij niet super ongemakkelijk was. Had eerlijk gezegd niet gedacht dat hij thuis zou zijn wanneer ik er zou zijn.

Ah en ik heb een cadeautje gekregen voor in mijn nieuwe huis, as well as eten en ginger ale. En voordat ik erheen ging was ik nog even snel naar de Jumbo om Fernandes, kokosmelk en krentenbollen te halen.

Haha ik ging met 2 tassen (mijn rugtas en een klein tasje voor mijn eten) heen en kom met 3 tassen terug.

Wilde bij Amsterdam CS nog langs shoppa gaan om wat spacecake in te slaan (geen wiri want dat is te verboden en dan krijg ik helemaal paniekaanvallen haha), maar – werd met de auto afgezet ๐Ÿ™‚ – met al het gedoe op de weg – we vertrokken om ongeveer 19:25ย  – was ik om 19:50 bij Centraal en zou zomaar mijn trein missen als ik nog langs een shoppa zou rennen. En het zou helemaal onhandig zijn met die grote tas. Maar ik heb nog steeds trek in spacecake ay. ๐Ÿ™

Op dit moment zit ik in de trein.

We zijn nu bij Rotterdam Centraal. De volgende halte ben ik thuis. Haha het voelt echt gek om Rotterdam te passeren onderweg naar huis. Gek maar echt heeerlijk. Heb al lang genoeg geprobeerd afstand te nemen van die stad. Het is me eindelijk gelukt.

Ah mijn stelling: “Zonder Antwerpen zou Rotterdam nooit zo groot geworden zijn, als havenstad.” What do you think? Ik stel dit in de context van dat men rond de 16e eeuw van die vieze piratenshit uit had gehaald – en daar haalt men dan nationale trots uit please stoppp – om de haven van Antwerpen te vernietigen en zo Rotterdam de belangrijkste doorvoerhaven te maken. Rotterdam kreeg bij de handelspositie die het al had ook een groot deel van de handelsmarkt van Antwerpen in handen. Vandaar mijn stelling.

Ah bijna thuis yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

Morgen weer een dagje colleges – waaronder mijn eerste les fysica – en langs het sportkot om wat dingen te regelen zodat ik kan gaan basketballen voor de universiteit. (En ik overweeg een sportabonnement te nemen bij Basic Fit.)

Alvast welterusten โ™ฅ


21:15 (09:15 PM) [GMT -2]

On the train homeย 

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Adapting [Wednesday, September 25, 2019]

Goedemorgen ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

Het was mijn intentie om gisteren na school wat te bloggen,

Dat schreef ik vanochtend, ongeveer 20 minuten voordat mijn les begon (want ik was vroeg), waarna ik aan het socializen was because I made a school friend yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

There was no place to sit in front of the classroom, so I decided to sit in outside the cafetaria in front of the building where I had my lecture

Met onmin veel langpootmuggen/”hooiwagens”

I don’t know if I should write in Dutch or in English… I’ll use the languages based on which language I feel can express what I wish to express best. That will vary, but I’ll keep it one language per paragraph, so that your translating tool/dictionary is overseeable. ๐Ÿ™‚

I haven’t told my new friend – or anyone else at the university – about my blog yet, so I don’t feel comfortable with using their names and stuff (yetยฟ). Though I have a picture of a chalk board and (sorry I can’t find this word in English) achterhoofden I will share in this post. As well as many other pictures I’ve been taking. Woah I have 2 days of pictures I haven’t showed you yet (and the pictures of my holiday in Curaรงao and the pictures from when I was in Egmond, taken with my Olympus camera).

Door mijn bezigheden en menselijkheid (eten, slapen, sociaal willen zijn, et cetera) kom ik niet echt aan schrijven toe. Maar ik heb nu een soort van moment ervoor genomen. Heb morgen immers geen les, dus had ik meer tijd voor het fixen van mijn appartement en ontspanning.

(Ik kom aan het eind op het onderwerp van school terug.)

Dit was mijn apartement gisternacht (die lades moet ik nog in elkaar zetten: een van de dingen gerelateerd aan “het fixen van mijn appartement”)

Lil chaos

Yepp (die melk staat daar omdat het ongeopend nog niet in de koelkast hoeft en space is limited) [die zin kan de vertaling aan. Ik zie Nederlands met Engels kan wel, Engels met Nederlands kan niet]

Precies vanochtend en gister waren er klusjesmannen in mijn huis voor het in elkaar zetten van de kast in mijn badkamer (omdat die van binnen uit elkaar gehaald was omdat mijn gas en water meters daar zitten en dit appartement ontzettend snel verhuurd was). En precies nu is de boel een beetje opgeruimd. ๐Ÿ™

Waar ik mee bezig was na mijn dagje uni (na eerst langs de Lidl gegaan te zijn voor mondwater (om mijn bitje in te doen), quick badschuim (andere winkels waren voor nu te ver) en aardappelen voor het avondeten) part 1.

My home yayy eindelijk al die troep uit zicht part 2

Alleen een aantal dingen die ook nog in elkaar gezet moeten worden staan er nog. Inclusief gordijnrails omdat ik voor de oorspronkelijke rails geen runners (wieltjes) kon vinden.

Dit at ik vandaag: vissticks, spinazie en aardappelpuree. Zo snel en simpel dat het zeker niet de laatste keer zal zijn.

Gisteravond na mijn colleges (na 18:00) – was ik naar de Delhaize voor melk, aromat, pannenkoekenmix en krentenbollen maar ik kan hier nergens krentenbollen vinden dus die ga ik morgen gelijk inslaan ( = veel van kopen) – en na mijn douche (waar ik gewoon echt behoefte aan had en douchen voor het slapengaan is nu een van de dingen die ik doe [stress m nu al een klein beetje om die eindejaarsrekening maarja life ik doe het nog steeds zo veel mogelijk met mate maar ik heb toch kroes haar dusja ๐Ÿ™ ]) wilde ik een dutje doen tot 22:00. Dus ik zette daar een wekker voor.

Eindstand ik word wakker en kijk op de klok en zie dat het 02:50 is. Echt vervelend want zomaar mess ik met mijn slaapritme.

Ik was nog een beetje moe dus ik bleef nog even liggen, en wat er 9/10 keer gebeurt wanneer ik blijf liggen zonder te gaan slapen is dat ik behoefte krijg aan een orgasme. Dus jaa van het een kwam het ander. Every time I think of Tishe gaan we – in mijn fantasie – verder dan de vorige keer. Best orgasm ever. First two-handed (niet in me fyi, slechts een middelvinger, clitoris is veel belangrijker meow ik snap die andere emphasis nooit) orgasm in mijn eigen huis yay haha. (I really wonder if I’ll ever see Tishe again and if he’s in to meยฟ)

Toen ik op stond was het 4 uur ofzo en ging ik afwassen en een beetje opruimen. Daarna avondeten (aka left-overs opwarmen in een pan (want ik heb geen microgolf (magnetron) yay ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Dus ditt

Daarna was ik van plan om de theorieรซn vandaag besproken tijdens de colleges van Linear Algebra and Geometry en Getallen en Verzamelingen (want die vakken had ik vandaag ook weer en Calculus vrijdag) nog een keer door te nemen en de lesstof van vandaag door te nemen.


Om 08:45 moest ik daarmee stoppen omdat ik me moest gaan klaarmaken om op tijd te zijn. Normaal gesproken deed ik altijd al mijn huiswerk – als ik het รผberhaupt deed – in een half uurtje ofzo, maar ik merk dat ik hiervoor, wil ik de kern begrijpen (en ja dat moet nu echt 100% uiteraard anders dan slaag ik niet in mijn missie en kan ik ook geen ProfFangs zijn), echt goed moet gaan zitten. Ik zal buiten het lesmateriaal een hoop moeten opzoeken.

Voor matrices bijvoorbeeld kan ik best uit mijn hoofd leren hoe ik bepaalde bewerkingen met een matrix moet doen en onthouden waarom die bewerkingen kloppen. Waarschijnlijk komt dit omdat ik van oorsprong een “alpha” leerling (als in in Nederland noemt men sociale wetenschappen “alpha” en exacte wetenschappen “beta”) ben, maar voor mij is niets duidelijk zo lang ik niet snap waarom de notatie van een matrix uitgerekend die notatie is en niet iets anders. Daarvoor moet ik echt even gaan zitten, om zulk soort dingen uit te vogelen, zodat ik ook een beetje actiever kan meedoen in de les. Met iets als economie of rechten ofzo zou ik wat dat betreft minder moeite gehad hebben – daar zouden mijn eigen normaal onuitgesproken overtuigingen in de weg staan – maar ik heb niet voor niets voor de wiskunde uitdaging gekozen.

Met dat papiertje zal men (hier ga ik nu van uit) wel naar me luisteren wanneer ik een model opstel aan de hand waarvan we de wereld economisch beter zouden kunnen runnen. (Of zou iemand de moeite nemen om het te proberen te verwerpen.) Plus als ik dit niet zou halen dan zou ik mijn nieuwe thuis kwijtraken en zou mijn vader me sws doodmaken ahahahah. Ik heb een flinke stok achter de deur.

En ik vind Belgiรซ heel leuk. Ik weet echter niet of Belgiรซ mij wel leuk vind? Ik probeer zo beleefd en verstaanbaar mogelijk te zijn, maar ik sta pas aan het begin van mijn integratieproces.

Something else fun – funny though simultaneously making me feel bad a little – is how I met my new friend. Yesterday, for my second to last class (Getallen en Verzamelingen), I was standing in front of the classroom with a bunch of people. Some of them I already recognized from the previous class (Calculus). I was standing there, eating, because I took the bus from the other campus where my previous class was –ย  a bus for which I had to wait quite long – and bought some salad with quinoa and hummus and stuff at the cafetaria but there was drama with my bank account again so that took long as well. So I took my lunch with me and was eating that as I (not wanting to be late) waited for the professor to arrive, feeling awkward for standing and eating but still doing it anyway because I was crazy hungry.

So when a professor came and opened the classroom, I followed immediately. As I unpacked my bag at a desk in the back of the class, a familiar face – the only other colored girl following this first-year Mathematics program (we’re with about 40 people in total it seems) I saw during Calculus (though then I wasn’t certain if she studies Mathematics or Physics) – asked me if she was in the right class for Mathematics and if she may sit next to me, and I said “Yes” to both.

Then the professor started to talk about SQL and stuff and I was taking notes, but thought: “Why is this course called Getallen en Verzamelingen? Is it about Getallen en Verzamelingen in database or something?”

It was when he introduced his name that I certainly knew that my actual classmate and I were in the wrong class. Trying hard to not burst out into laughter when we both found the certainty simultaneously. (It reminded me of that scene in The Office US with Pam sitting in the wrong class haha.) We waited until a mid-lecture break was announced, to take our stuff and go to the class next door. I was happy that our actual professor allowed us in.

UAntwerpen is really chill. Not what I expected, but I think I’ll stay happier than before doing this for three years. It’s not what I expected because I thought that professors wearing a suit and full lecture halls for mainstream subjects (of which I thought Mathematics was one) were a standard university thing. But my Calculus professor has tattoos. ๐Ÿ™‚ I appreciate the university’s liberality , though I’m just a fan of suits and think this high-school-like vibe (ah but it’s not the course material that is high-school-like noooooooo just clothing and class size) has taken away the romanticized idea I had of being a professor. The bubble was already quite bursted when I saw B on a vouwfiets. Now I’m just more trying to latch on to my thoughts of reform. Not to make people wear suits while they don’t want to. More to add a new fun and challenging dimension to the lives of the intelligent who are older than I.

Haha professor Calculus (I’m not doing names for now as I said) gave the example: “Ge ziet er sexy uit in een zwart kleedje,” to explain some logic symbols. That would not happen at Erasmus. I wonder if this liberal university – or just the Graeynissis – is open to collaboration with this wildly liberal FangCatje.

Ik woon trouwens in Kievitwijk. Kievitwijk is – this is me paraphrasing Wikipedia – known as the former Jewish neighborhood of Antwerp. This because a lot of Jewish people lived here until WWII. The neighborhood has been nameless for a long time and I read some stuff about controversiality among the government and the population regarding building projects in this neighborhood. (Is that about the building I am living in…?) I can’t state facts about that because I just moved here.

I really like this neighborhood. It’s in the heart of the city center, but it’s still quiet, I feel quite safe and everything is within walking distance.

Something that is new to me is living among so many Jewish people in traditional clothing and hairstyle. In my life I had maybe seen 5 traditionally dressed Jewish people ever before. (Those moments were not in and around Rotterdam.) Now when I walk outside I see them very frequently. I have so many questionsss.

I think I now have an impression of what it is like for someone to see a colored person, or a community of colored people, who had never encountered one in person.ย  I try my best not to stare, but I’m very curious. All I know is what I hear, but I have never spoken to someone who wears traditional Jewish clothing, let alone have an impression of what it is like to live in such a community.

I wonder if I will ever blend in in my new neighborhood. After the words of my mother three days ago, I really don’t know anymore.

Moeder: “Ik stond met zo’n pijpenkrul in de lift.ย  Ik voelde me echt niet op mijn gemak want hij ging met zijn rug naar me toe staan.”

Ik: “Praat alsjeblieft niet zo.” (En vooral niet zo luid ik ken mijn buren nog niet omg.)

Moeder: “Maar ik voelde me echt heel oncomfortabel. Dat snap je toch wel?”

Ik: “Ik vind het gewoon niet fijn dat je pijpenkrul zegt. Als iemand “die zwartjoekel” zegt vind je dat toch ook niet fijn? En moest hij andersom staan ofzo?” (Liften zijn altijd awkward dus ik kan het me best voorstellen dat iemand zo reageert op awkwardness?)

Moeder: “Ja. Maar het komt door zijn geloof. Ze geloven dat zwarten minderwaardig zijn. Het kan ook komen doordat ik een vrouw ben.”

Hierop had ik niets te zeggen, want ik ken zijn geloof vrijwel niet. Als iemand echt van zulk soort zaken overtuigd is dan geloof ik niet dat dat in het religieus geschrift staat maar dat dat in dat geval dan komt door foute predikers (Rabbi’s danยฟ). Ik geloof dat religieus geschrift zelf geen kwaad kan doen, maar als dat werkelijk is wat zijn geloof zegt dan ben ik wel benieuwd aan de hand van welke passage ze die overtuiging hebben gekregen. Graag zou ik die passage dan willen lezen en de minstens 50 regels ervoor en erna om te kijken of die opvatting wel klopt met het geschrift.

Nu word ik overspoeld door gemengde gevoelens wanneer ik iemand in traditioneel Joodse kledij zie.ย  Ik wil weten of het waar is, maar heb hier nog nooit iemand in traditionele kleding samen zien lopen, niet eens een korte woordenwisseling, met iemand in niet-traditionele kleding. (Natuurlijk kan het ook aan interesses liggen.) Maar net zoals een man die een vrouw de hand schudt in sommige culturen weet ik niet hoe ik mijn vragen beantwoord kan krijgen (heb door mijn Nederlands sowieso al een beetje extra social anxiety hier maar komt goed ooit ofzo haha).

Het is echt super toevallig en interessant ofzo. Mijn situatie. Mijn oma woont dicht bij centraal, net als ik. (Zo waren er nog meer van die verbanden maar ik kan er nu even niet op komen, waarschijnlijk omdat ik druk voel omdat 00:00 in de buurt komt en ik echt geen nieuwe post wil schrijven.) Mijn achternaam, Elia (aka Jewish prophet), komt van een Portugees-Joodse familie van slavenhouders in Suriname, en vlak bij mijn huis staat nu een Portugese synagoge. Ik vraag me af of deze geschiedenis algemeen bekend is?

Ik gister

Ik vanochtend

Ik wachtend tot mijn aardappelen gekookt waren (moest een staafmixer gebruiken want heb nog geen stamper). Deze cap draag ik altijd wanneer ik (alleen) lig. Draag het zelden met andere mensen erbij want werd er vaak mee gepest wanneer mensen me kwamen vragen of ik buiten kom spelen en tijdens logeerpartijen enzo.

Mijn legpuzzel van vandaag

Ik ga hiermee verder. Morgen naar Nederland want ik heb een afspraak met dokter Helberg (lang geleden ingepland hoor het is niet dat ik na mijn tijd hier ineens behoefte heb aan therapie) en ga daarna dingen zoals Fernandes, krentenbollen en kokosmelk inslaan want die zijn hier moeilijk (of niet) te vinden, en daarna eten bij mijn main kennissen uit Amsterdam.

Alvast welterusten โ™ฅ

23:55 (11:55 PM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk Antwerpen

Ohhh juist ik nam deze foto omdat de les voorbij was en ik het laatste deel van wat er op het bord stond nog niet had overgenomen.

& Mijn stoel is klaar ๐Ÿ™‚

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First Dayay [Tuesday, September 24, 2019]

Goedemorgen โ™ฅ

It’s my first day of university in Antwerp. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Sorry ik ga weer in het Nederlands verder.

Op dit moment wacht ik op de bus…

De andere bus ging net voorbij toen ik voor een rood stoplicht stond, aan de andere kant van de halte. Ze gaan om het kwartier, dus ik kom nu aan om 10:37 in plaats van 10:22. Het was mijn intentie om die 20 minuten te gebruiken om de collegezaal te vinden en een zitplek te (kunnen) claimen die niet helemaal vooraan is. Nu mag ik blij zijn als ik om 10:45 binnen ben ah x_x.

Nu zit ik in de bus

Hoewel ik langs de Ikea moet en ook langs het kantoor dat gaat over sport voor de universiteit want daar moet ik een vingerafdrukscan voor maken en vragen of ik me kan opgeven voor het basketbalteam zonder een Facebook account te hebben, ga ik er vanuit dat ik super moe ben na mijn colleges van vandaag. Dus alleen maar langs de Delhaize voor wat kleine boodschappen. Melk, Calvรฉ pindakaas, Aromat en nog een paar andere dingen volgens mij.

Meoow ik ben echt nerveus. Ik weet echt niet wat ik moet verwachten. Maar ik kijk er hoe dan ook naar uit. Dit is mijn nieuwe leven. ๐Ÿ™‚


10:33 (AM) [GMT -2]


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Officiรซle Yays

Mijn lief โ™ฅ

Het is nu super officieel: ik heb een eigen huis. Mijn eigen plek. Heb hier gisternacht voor het eerst geslapen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sinds mijn vorige post is het ontzettend snel gegaan. Donderdag heb ik mijn huurcontract getekend, samen met mijn moeder als borgsteller. En vrijdag kreeg ik mijn sleutels!

Ik kreeg die vrijdag een leuke rondleiding en zag toen (pas) dit mooie gezamenlijke dakterras ๐Ÿ˜€

Voordat ik naar Antwerpen reed was ik nog even langs Ikea gegaan om alvast een tafel te halen. En nam alvast wat spullen mee. In die witte doos zitten (net als in vele andere dozen die ik hier nu heb) boeken. Had ook alvast vitrages gekocht, maar er bleken rails in een afwijkend formaat te hangen. (Het gordijn dat er nu hangt ziet er echt fout uit. Maar rails fixen we vandaag.)

Na de rondleiding liep ik een paar keer heen en weer van de auto naar het appartement (gelukkig mocht ik even voor de deur parkeren), om spullen uit te laden.

Hier nog

wat foto’s

van mijn

appartement in

leegstand ๐Ÿ™‚

Toen ik klaar was met uitladen (en nog geen bank had)

Had ik even zo’n liggend reflectiemoment waarop ik tot mezelf probeerde door te dringen dat dit echt zal zijn waar ik de komende paar jaar thuis zal komen. Echt geen besef dat dit mooie appartement echt van mij is. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Dit kleed is voor de slaapkamer eigenlijk, maar het lag in de woonkamer voor het in elkaar zetten van de tafel.)

En ik had gekke honger maar nog geen pannen. Gelukkig heeft ook deze Lidl een broodjesafdeling. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Plus er zijn nog veel eetwinkels die ik wil checken hier. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Daarna tafel in elkaar gezet.

I love Ikea so much! It’s like making a puzzle that gives you furniture. I find this great fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

Daarna moest ik snel richting Rotterdam om mijn oma op te halen en naar huis te gaan, want mijn oom uit de Bahama’s, samen met zijn vrienden/zakenpartners kwamen langs op de avond voordat ze terug naar huis gingen, voor de barbecue die mijn vader had georganiseerd. Het was mooi weer en het was ontzettend gezellig. ๐Ÿ™‚

Big happyays (mijn oom staat rechts van mij)


Zaterdag samen met mama de dozen van mijn bed, bureaustoel, eetstoelen, kookgerei et cetera naar mijn appartement verplaatst. Deze foto nam ik (weer) bij Ikea Breda.

Toen was het al best laat, want we waren al vrij laat naar mijn oma vertrokken, waar we toen langer bleven omdat ze ontzettend veel extra serviesgoed enzo had – en zelfs een kleine grilplaat – die ze kon missen. ๐Ÿ™‚ Daarna naar Ikea en toen nog even deze stoel in elkaar gezet, voordat we om over twaalven ‘s nachts weer terug naar huis reden.

En gister…

De verhuizing van de rest. Ik heb trouwens deze Mark Visser bank die nog op zolder stond, in plaats van die Ikea bank. ๐Ÿ™‚ Zou deze graag opnieuw willen (laten) stofferen. (Sorry het is echt een puinhooop maar hopelijk kan ik dat vandaag al grotendeels fixen. Vooral nadat mijn boekenkast staat.)

We waren ook nog langs Ikea gegaan voor mijn boekenkast en matras. En ook mijn fiets was mee. (Die staat nu in de fietsenstalling beneden.) We hadden voor al deze spullen een Boedelbak gehuurd en waren met twee auto’s. ๐Ÿ™‚

Mijn bed staaaaat! ๐Ÿ˜€ Hier lig ik nu te typen.

Mijn matras is heerlijk hoog en stevig ๐Ÿ™‚

De keuken is een zooitje die ik gister na deze foto al deels verder had opgeruimd en na dit weer verder ga opruimen

Dit wordt mijn kledingkast ๐Ÿ™‚

Waavoor ik gister, nadat mijn ouders waren vertrokken, alvast een rekje in elkaar had gezet.

Het kleedje is verhuisd naar de slaapkamer. ๐Ÿ™‚ (En de lades moeten nog in mijn bed.)

En het bijzettafeltje uit mijn vorige slaapkamer (die nu mij zusje’s kamer is) – het bijzettafeltje dat mijn moeder bij Ikea kocht toen ze uit huis ging – is ook mee. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ik heb nu een anti-knars bitje voor het slapen. Dit was echt mijn beste nacht ooit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Mijn badkamer gisternacht.

Vandaag wil ik de huismeester vragen wanneer mijn badkamerkast met meters van binnen weer in elkaar gezet kan worden, een zwart kleedje halen voor over de bank (want helaas is de huidige meubelstof eromheen niet goed meer), mijn bureaustoel, bedlades, overige stoelen en boekenkast in elkaar zetten. Mijn ouders komen later vandaag ook langs om me verder te helpen. Mijn vader gaat nieuwe gordijnrails (van een formaat waarvoor we wel runners hebben kunnen vinden) plaatsen yay. ๐Ÿ˜€

Want wat er nu hangt is zo gรชnant… Maakte het gister van rails eindstops en haakjes met klemmen eraan. Het hangt helemaal scheef en dit gordijn moet eigenlijk 90 graden gedraaid zijn. Echt genant meow ik ga snel de douche schoonmaken en douchen zodat ik deze constructie kan weghalen.

Maar eerst de keuken opruimen en wat eten. Daarna dat kleedje halen bij de Action en daarna verder met dingen in elkaar zetten.ย  Ik plaats later vandaag weer een update. En morgen trouwens mijn eerste colleges van mijn nieuwe opleiding omg.

Tot lateer xxx

Haha trouwens. Toen ik gisternacht in mijn bed lag en meer begon te voelen dat ik hier altijd heerlijk alleen zal kunnen zijn, realiseerde ik dat mijn grote fobie is dat ik ooit iemand binnenlaat die dan na verloop van tijd niet weg wil terwijl ik dat wel wil. Haha ik ben zo graag alleen meow dat kan echt niet gebeuren. Het zou – hoewel ik natuurlijk altijd streef naar groei – me echt niet uit maken als dit de plek is waar ik, alleen, oud word. (Yesss sexy grijs.)

Oh en trouwens: hoewel de Belastingdienst mijn bezwaar tegen die boete van bijna โ‚ฌ400 euro heeft gehoord en de boete heeft kwijtgescholden, zeggen ze dat als ik zo weinig omzet blijf draaien, ik mijn bedrijf zal moeten opzeggen. D.O.C.I.S. International is de baby waar ik nu al meer dan een jaar voor zorg. Die kan ik toch niet afstaan. ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ Anders moet ik misschien kijken of ik het in Belgiรซ kan registreren (en dan zooo veel omzet draaien oefff)… Ik moet hier nog even over nadenken. Ik ga mijn onderneming echt niet opzeggen. ๐Ÿ™


12:27 (PM) [GMT -2]

Antwerpen ๐Ÿ˜€

I took a picture to show you my dish washing results.

And one of my breakfast past lunchtime. Caesar salad with the best egg I’ve ever whipped. Ginger + unions + chinese five spices + paprika powder + soy sauce is a very good base for an egg.

After that I showered in slight dark because my bathroom lamp is not hanging yet and my parents have warned me dat loshangende peertje is brandgevaarlijk met douchevocht.

After going to the Action to settle for a blanket that was not the one I saw online, I did my main grocery shopping (things like rice, pasta and rosemary I won’t buy as frequent as milk and eggs). [***** I forgot milk lol.] I was a big drama at the checkout.

My yay edition of pasta bolognese (es fennel). Also added champignons.

Die hoeveelheid was niet voor mij alleen. Mijn ouders waren langsgekomen om me te helpen en mijn moeder was nog voor me langs de Ikea geweest. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

End resulttt (mijn pannen zijn niet groot genoeg om bij deze hoeveelheid pasta en saus in 1 pan te koken, so separateee)

Een tijdelijke opstelling die minder genant is. Ik moet nog wat extra metalen aanhechtingsdingetjes en schroeven ervoor hebben om de nieuwe rails aan het plafond vast te maken. En ze moeten ooit gezoomd worden.

Ah kijk het soort glas dat ik vandaag heb gekocht. ๐Ÿ™‚ En dat dekentje waarvoor ik gesettled had (ze hadden niets meer in het zwart en niets van 2m(+), maar die vlekken op de bank zijn zo gรชnant dat ik gewoon iets moet kiezen ๐Ÿ™ ). In mijn ogen zegt het: “Mooi dekentje die ook een beetje van de originele schoonheid van de bank laat zien.” Die bank staat naar rechts omdat er ruimte nodig was om de kast in elkaar te zetten.

Ik houd zo erg van deze kasttttt

Ik nam die andere foto in een awkward hoek omdat er een schroef uitsteekt (voor de linkerkaars) die ik er niet met een inbussleutel in krijg, dus heb ik een boor met dezelfde inbusingang nodig, maar ik weet niet hoe ik de schroefkop van de boor af krijg. ๐Ÿ™ En die inbuskop ligt thuis x_x. Dus even wachten tot volgend weekendd.
Verder is het inrichten van deze boekenkast een heel speciaal moment voor mij.

Dit is gewoon alles wat ik wilde in het leven. Een eigen boekenkast in mijn eigen woonkamer. (Niet te letterlijk nemen:) Ik kan nu vredig sterven. Wanneer ik klaar ben dan tenminste. Heb nog 3 dozen met boeken and stuff…

Dus daar ga ik nog even mee verder. En de keuken opruimen. Daarna kleren uitzoeken voor morgen en dan naar bed. Eerste collegedag omg. En ook gelijk tot 6 uur ‘s avonds. Ik ben zoo benieuwddd…

Heb er wel zin in. En ben verder gewoon echt benieuwd hoe alles zal zijn. Ik neem aan dat iedereen in de “nieuwe vaste omgeving met nieuwe mensen”-situatie daar hetzelfde naar kijkt.

Moet het echt niet te extreem laat maken en ruim op tijd weg want ik ga zeker onmin moeten zoeken naar welke collegezaal/ welk lokaal (ben echt benieuwd hoeveel eerstejaars er zullen zijn) ik moet zijn.

Welterusten alvast โ™ฅ


23:57 (11:57 PM) [GMT -2]

Antwerpen ๐Ÿ˜€

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Heyy โ™ฅ


My love, I still can’t believe that I got this good news yesterday. As expected, I was too late sending my files for the apartment I showed you in my previous post. It was already rented to someone else. But yesterday I got a call with the news that I got a similar apartment a few storeys higher. ๐Ÿ˜€

A higher home means a better view. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m sooo happyyy I still can’t believe that this is real! โ™ฅ

Like before that call I spent my hours in stressed couch cuddle mode (watching the Belgian series “De Bunker”), thinking of planning new visitations while knowing that there’s almost no chance of finding an apartment I’ll like more than this one, worried about getting any before uni starts next Tuesday. That worry is gone now yay. I’m signing my rental agreement tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚

Yesterday early I was worried about having a place to stay, and now there are moving boxes in my room. ๐Ÿ™‚

After 14 years of having lived here. These boxes are from when we moved from Prins Alexander to ‘s Gravenland 14 years ago. (Took this picture before going to bed last night, though still restless.)

So the timing is already nice. Then there is the modernity of the building (in contrast to the other places visited) and apartment yays: there is an elevator, the walls are steady, there are high windows I’ve dreamt of when I was little, it has the kitchen with oven without microwave exactly the way I want it, rental price includes gas and electricity, the location is sooo chill (next to a supermarket, close to central station, a direct public transport line to the uni (and there is a toko very close by omg)), it is not student housing and I have a bath tub. ๐Ÿ˜€ Such yays. โ™ฅ

Though I’m still very afraid of sudden rejection if, for example, I’m stuck in traffic long again tomorrow or the deposit is not transferred on time. If all goes well – and those worries thus not happen – I’m handed the keys on Friday, which is then when I’ll start moving though having to balance that with family visiting from the Bahamas.

Until I have the keys, I don’t feel certain about my living guaranteed (yet). But I do slowly start to feel that my new life is coming closer. One in which I live on my own in a new environment. Sooo exciting! Though a bit emotional.

The people I see frequently, I might now see once every two weeks or something. Or even less. All my life, I’ve been a distress beacon to many people, giving advice and stepping in to help out. Now I’m becoming long-distance support. Trading my familiarity for a foreign place where I don’t know anyone.ย  I wonder if I’ll make new friends. I know there might be moments of missing the familiar coziness of the environment I’ve lived in all my life. But I’m happy about where things are going.

I’m happy about finally having something serious to do again (a reason to leave the house every day instead of being inside, typing). I’m happy I’m getting the chance to strengthen my position on the labor market. I’m happy to be working towards becoming ProfFangs. I’m happy to be buying my own groceries and living in my own house culture. I’m happy about moving to Belgium, where I’ll still be blending in in an environment that is exotic to me, though being able to speak my first language (Dutch). (I wonder if I’ll also speak with a sexy soft g by the time I have my bachelor’s.) I’m happy I’m taking a strategic distance from psychiatric surveillance. And most of all I’m happy to be able to be alone whenever I want to and have a chance to start over (though with this blog that is not 100% possible).

Meoww I’m going to flip some (subtle flavor) coconut pancakes and slowly start getting to these boxes.

By the way, how do you know to visit my blog only when I’ve posted something new, without looking here to see if there’s something new?

I’ll be typing in Dutch later.


15:13 (03:13 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

Het gaat lekker snel ineens allemaal. Over minder dan een week zal ik alleen nog maar met cijfers bezig zijn. Heerlijk. Ik kan echt niet wachten!

Hoe ik dat verder met de verwerking van de informatie die ik heb gekregen bij het bespreken van mijn essay en het nieuwe boek dat ik wil schrijven ga combineren moet ik nog uitvogelen. Maar ik heb nu infinite tijd voor mezelf dus in principe maak ik me daar geen zorgen om. Van koken tot schoonmaken: alles kan nu op mijn eigen tempo.

Hmmm ik heb het huurcontract nog niet getekend en de borg nog niet overgemaakt – dat gebeurt morgenochtend – dus het voelt nog een beetje te vroeg om definitief te juichen. Als er maar niets misgaat. ๐Ÿ™ Dan kan ik morgen beginnen met wat Ikea dingen in elkaar zetten. Misschien.

De “droominrichting” die ik portretteerde in mijn vorige (was het de vorige of die daarvoor…ยฟ)ย  blog post is in strijd met de realiteit. Ik heb traditioneel een oude bank en andere oude meubels die ik aangeboden heb gekregen. Echt ontzettend lief. (Plus als ik die bank opnieuw zou kunnen bekleden, maar dan met zwart leer, dan vind ik dat misschien zelfs leuker dan Ikea’s FRIHETEN in “bomstad zwart”.)

Wel ga ik echt proberen te pleiten voor een matras en een bedframe (in plaats van alleen een matras in de beginopstelling), want ik ben bang dat alleen een matras op de grond in mijn nieuwe huis een slechte uitwerking op mijn depressie zal hebben. Als iemand dan vraagt waar ik woon zal ik mijn best moeten doen om niet in tranen uit te barsten als ik zeg dat ik mijn leven in Nederland heb omgeruild voor een matras op de grond (wel een matras dat heel lief is voor mijn Wirbelsรคule), op een manier waarop het niet klinkt alsof ik een emotioneel wrak ben. En misschien wat andere basismeubels, zoals een eettafel. Ik wil zo graag mijn autisme gerust kunnen stellen.

Wat fijn was aan mijn “droominrichting” was dat het qua kleuren en stijl een geheel was (zwart, bruin, beige, wit en donkerblauw en rood als kleuraccenten, steeds in precies dezelfde tint). Dat wil ik blijven nastreven en als het dus storend wordt voor het geheel, en dus voor mijn mentale rust, zal ik moeten kiezen voor niets in plaats van iets. Misschien dus een matras op de grond, maar ik hoop het niet.

Als je verhuurder bent en dit leest: mijn misschien karige beginopstelling zegt niets over de betaling van mijn huur. Geen zorgen daarover. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wonder if my Graeynissis will come to visit me. Zou zorgeloos gezellig zijn. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tegelijkertijd is die opkomende intense eenzaamheid wel een zorg. Ik wil graag mijn nieuwe adres bij de KvK registreren, maar wil tegelijkertijd niet dat alles en iedereen mijn precieze adres weet want wie kan me daar beschermen behalve ikzelf? ๐Ÿ™ Ik ken niemand daar. Hopelijk komt daar snel verandering in.ย  Maar vertrouwen is wel een dingetje. Het zal relatief lang duren voordat ik iemand bij me thuis uitnodig.ย  Ik zou het ook fijn vinden om 4 sloten op mijn voordeur te kunnen doen, maar ik weet niet hoe de verhuurder daarover denkt. Morgen zal ik het vragen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wat trouwens echt een upgrade is bij dit appartement is dat ik nu bij een kantoorgebouw naar binnen kijk in plaats van bij een hotel. Een leuker en veiliger uitzicht. ๐Ÿ™‚

En ik ga me trouwens niet uitschrijven in Nederland en beschouw dit adres, waar ik voor minstens drie jaar zal wonen (misschien tenzij ik ineens miljonair word ofzo), mijn kotadres. ๐Ÿ™‚

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

Veel yays mijn miauw. Als ik nu ga slapen is het voor het gevoel sneller morgen.

Trouwens ligt het aan mij of is/lijkt de Nederlandse politiek ineens een stuk warmer? There’s no more sneak dissing? Big yays for thisss.

Welterusten liefjeee โ™ฅ


22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

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Woah :o [Sunday, September 15, 2019]

Brain Woah

My time to think yesterday got me so many woahs, my meow. My first woah is that this week is a week in which I have 0 plans (hopefully aside from signing the contract for the apartment I’ve slowly fallen in love with :D), after such a long time! Didn’t realize how much my brain needed rest after I wake up the next morning, feeling like just laying down and distracting my mind with technology at least as possible at first. To just let everything that has happend sink in and scrutinize it. (Usually I’m suppressing what is there anyway. Plain reasoning is what I did until I wanted to flea from my realization and tried to escape my thoughts by playing choices romance games on my phone (and Cody Cross ๐Ÿ™‚ )) Yesterday, I was in bed until about 6 PM when I went to a birthday party with my family.

Realization Woah

The realization of having given my first presentation about my ideas instead of about what a teacher orders me to do is not entirely there still. I wonder what the effect of this will be, because this was something unusual for a presentation in general (for I was doing propagandist things) and any type of societal research is usually not done for free. I wonder about its general effects. If people will go to work with a different view tomorrow.

Furthermore I’m still surprised about how things started off and the results. Surprised about the start because I froze up so badly I didn’t think I would make it to the end. Plus people stopping by to take pictures and videos of me while I was presenting and people dropping by and walking away was taking me out of my concentration. And overhearing “Too slow,” “Too fast,” “My goal for the future is to go to the bathroom now,” and other things like that in conversations. And being way overdressed. I was really surprised to get any positive feedback at all. Though I don’t know if that is honesty or politeness. It doesn’t matter anyway, I really like that a large group of people thought along actively and was willing to share their answers with me.

When it comes to the results, I was very surprised. My coordinates are (40, -50) and the majority of people were in the region -5 < x < 60 and 0 > y > -60. That is very positive in a way, because that means that it’s not the end of the world for most people, when we put a definitive end to the routine the world seems so attached to (because there are so many other ways to do things I really don’ttt understand why so many people on this planet keep living for it if they hate it too).

But if this sample suits the rest of the world, I see the views of right-wing change and left-wing change is what my compass does not reveal. I don’t know how many people would be happy with the D.O.C.I.S. type of change. Something I reallyyy wonder is if the European Union will still have open borders in 10 years, and what this place will look like demographically. Another thing I wonder is why so few people are causing change to the system…? That is what worries me.

What I want to achieve is the implementation of the D.O.C.I.S. International system. How to use my research to push that is what is currently eating me up.

Car Woah

The party yesterday was fun. My cousins celebrated their birthdays together at the community center of their neighborhood, with friends and family over. A lottt of familiar faces asking me about Antwerp, who I could also tell about the interesting discovery of the day before. I’ve talked about the topic of change with them very often in the past and guess the compass would place them in group 4 as well. Next up should be a redefined political compass, I think. Because I’m quite sure that though we all want change, our views of what change should look like differ. (I’m pro closed borders, for example. That creates a better incentive to support your own community first, creates better demographic oversight and is much better for international cooperation (because better demographics create a better idea of what a country’s strengths and needs are, without not knowing where your population has scattered to).)

I don’t talk about my views on closed borders often because when I do it is agressively verbally attacked with arguments about unity and stuff. While I think that closed borders create a different type of unity. It could lead to independent nations cooperating together instead of having the artificial European Union forcing an internal market.

But because views like this differ, I think demographically the world should have people with the same political views living together. Instead of everyone mixed up the way it is now. The unification of similar minds is a different type of peace and happiness.

Anyway what I wanted to say is that my mother’s Volvo broke down last Thursday (reparation costs will be like 4K ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ) and that she now drives in one of the types of car I used to arrange for the people whose cases I was handling.

The new Astra is a really chill car and it’s pretty fast for a regular gasoline-powered car. My mother says she wouldn’t mind owning one and if she goes for it or something similar (like she said) I won’t stop her. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meoww I’ve broken some speed limits with it driving to the party and back home later. Without tickets of course. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s very different than the turbo diesel Volvo with leather seating though. But this car had some extra yayness over it in a way because it made me think of Tishe so much. It has left this longing I was trying to rid myself from though. Like why is it here if I’m just some lackey. ๐Ÿ™

Apartment Woah

Ah yays, I just received my father’s income information as well and have sent my motivation and all income information of my parents and I to the person who manages the apartment I wish to hire. It has been received and will be processed tomorrow, I heard. I really hope the apartment has not been rented to someone else yet.

After all of the party socializing and people saying that they’ll pray (or duimen depending on philosophy) for me getting that apartment, I have become so dreamy about it. I couldn’t sleep last night because I wanted to see how much my dream apartment interior would cost. (I don’t know what my definitive interior styling budget is yet…) But aaaaah check out the highlights:

Okay when I was there there were a lot of people standing in the living room, so I’m using pictures of the estate company’s website (plus shout out to Ikea):

These windows

With this kanten vitrage

And these curtains

This closet plus secretaire to the wall on the left of the windows. Yes in front of the heating is not advantageous but I still just want to make this work…

Couch practically in the middle of the room

This fauteuil in the right corner near the windows

This rug in between the couch and the chair

Salon table on top of rug

No TV meubel because I don’t want a TV. Like I don’t want a microwave either. I’ll go for paintings and sculptures omg yayyy. ๐Ÿ˜€

Dinner table against

The wall near the kitchen. Facing the kitchen horizontally

With 4 of these

With this at the head of the table, so I can roll over whenever I whip out my separate desk.



Kaasschaaf. Moet nog even kijken waar de kaasboer zit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah and on the wall that is sort of 3D’d away from the main living room wall, I would like to use school board paint so that I can write out my brainstorm ideas with crayons. Of course I will paint it white again when I move out of this apartment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Then over to the bedzimmer

A closet of 2 meters width will be at the wall you can’t see (at the back of the photographer of this picture). I hope my ironing board fits in it.

This bed (140 cm width)

This hoeslaken

And these sheets meowww

I’ve chosen more combi’s as well. Like beige hoeslaken with black sheets.

This night stand (haha and no random people in my apartment ayy)

You should mentally swap rugs because this one is for the living room and rhe other for the bedroom. Scusami.

My night light? Or some light meooow this is so cutee gotta have it. It’s like camping at home. Or living in the industrial age hehe.

Tub curtains


Et cetera meooow I really hope that I will be selected for this apartment. ๐Ÿ˜€ (Plus if not, I’ll probably have a very hard time in 2 weeks… ๐Ÿ™ )

Twitter Woah

Meow meanwhile I’ve become a little more active on Twitter again. I’ve been creeping down my timeline without posting for a while. The political turbulence is going into a direction that worries me because it feels like it will make me more powerless or something. The fighting offense with offense and things about culture and history being digged up and stuff are sensitive topics to me. Because my view is uncommon and people judge my descent too quick.

I had this geography teacher in middle school. Forgot her name but my friends and I used to call her “that crying face from 9GAG”. She, though there was not a single chapter in that book that had anything to do with Suriname, felt that she had to lecture her students that all Surinamese people wear fake gold, all Surinamese people get their living expenses covered by the government for free (I am not part of that dumb measure), all Surinamese people believe that they may stay home when it rains and other bullshit. A lot of Dutch people from her age (30-40) are convinced of the same nonsense, I’ve noticed. (Aside from classic all-purpose racism and fables about history (that the Dutch Golden Age was positive and slavery was fair) and sex related (big genitals and skill because of dance moves) things some people of more various ages are convinced of.) My god I’m so happy I’ve never seen her since I left school.

Meoww big yays for catching up with you. I’ve been bathrobe petting all day, though. Now I’m going to send Friday’s pictures to Alexandra (who treated me dinner on Friday, too sweeet meow now I want to treat her with something in return), take a shower and go to bed.

~breaking privacy laws~ action picture yay ๐Ÿ˜€ haha

Ciaooo xxx

22:57 (10:57 PM) Capelle aan den IJsselย 

Featured image by Alexander Krivitskiy from Pexels.

Online Diary, Popular Posts

Presentation Day :D [Friday, September 13, 2019]

Heyyys โ™ฅ

I’m on my way to Grand Vision for my presentation now. Instead of driving there myself, which was the original plan, my father had to be in Amsterdam anyway so he is dropping me off. Now I can have some beers as well yay. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Ahahaha I really feel like jugging some, but will keep it appropriate haha.)

This is such an interesting moment in my life. I hope this will be the first of many speaking opportunities. For that I need to perform well today.

Starting with being on time omg we’re stuck in traffic. ๐Ÿ™ That’s not a super big deal at the moment for we left on time enough. What is stressing me out a little is that we are going to pick up my uncle first – visiting from the Bahamas for a cryptocurrency event – and I want to be at Grand Vision an hour in advance. Now yes I was being a little slow with getting ready (and I stained my dress with bronzer omg Friday the 13th ahahahahaha) but meow dropping me off only takes a second and I don’t know how long my uncle will take to get into the car and how terrible the traffic will be in the center of Amsterdam. I’d like a moment of zen before I begin, instead of running in and having to start right away.

Hahahaha I’ve taken a funny measure to hide my sweatyness earlier (one of the reasons why I took long to get ready). I’ve taped some panty liners onto the inside of the armpits of my dress to absorb my sweat ahahahahaha. I hope to be able to lift my arms without feeling embarrassed and that they won’t fall out of my dress ahahahahaha.

Meowww I’m a tiny bit nervous about using the right words for slide transitions. (You know, the words you say right before you go to the next slide, to keep everything making sense.) And about being able to hide my nerves. But I’ll be fine though. The worry is not that much. I’m more focused on having fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m going to revise my slides and will probably be here again at the end of the day. Ciaooo xxx


15:20 (03:20 PM) [GMT -2]


Ah yay I will be dropped off first. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚



As I’m writing this, I’m in the metro to home. At Oostplein currently. The realization of having experienced the moment I have been living up to is not entirely there yet. But I feel the rush of excitement and happiness all over. ๐Ÿ™‚

Though in the beginning of my presentation I was rustyyy. Haha I was really lost for words, exactly with the transition of slides thing I mentioned earlier, and explaining the endeavor of my business and what that has to do with the personal ambitions of every single person on Earth and causality and stuff… It was rusty xd.

But at a later point I became more loose. Especially at the more interactive part, being able to get more direct feedback from my audience. I had no idea if they were enjoying it or not, which made me overthink my words a lot in the beginning. It was my first time doing this after all.

We were with a very diverse group of people from different backgrounds and different ages (though mainly people in their twenties and thirties). Our outcome is very interesting: the great majority of people (no definitive calculations yet, but let’s say 90%) values independency over stability and would rather see their life change than see it stay the same. All that is thus left is providing them an opportunity that suits there wish of more independency, which is what D.O.C.I.S. International is all about. ๐Ÿ™‚

More about that and other cool things tomorrow because I can barely keep my eyes open.

Goooood night โ™ฅ


22:30 (10:30 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

Online Diary

The Verge [Thursday, September 12, 2019]

Good evening โ™ฅ

We are on the verge of presentation day.ย  Iย  intended this to be a day of relaxation and it was. ๐Ÿ™‚ Aside from my car adventure…

Another Fangs Car Adventure

Passing cars, driving 140 km/h where the speed limit is 100, is a habit of mine. I know the risk I am taking and do not recommend it to anyone. It used to be 160 with a speed limit of 100, so in that sense I’ve changed. But the rush of speeding is one of the things I love most about my life.

Earlier today on my way to see doctor Helberg Amsterdam, around Delft, I pass another herd of cars driving 140 km/h and slow down behind a car that is doing the same thing in a slower pace. In the right corner of my rearview mirror I see a white car with blue and orange color accents move two lanes to the left. I start slowing down.

The car in front of me moves over to the right and am still driving above the speed limit, though “only” 20 km/h now, but the cop car was right behind me. To prevent “onnodig links rijden”, I pass all cars that are driving close behind each other on that same pace and move a lane to the right afterwards. And another one.

Usually I feel a bit annoyed when people pass cars in a pace that feels only 1 km/h harder. A maneuver taking more than 30 seconds to pass a car. Now I was guilty of it myself stressed out by my slow pace, stressed out of fear of getting in trouble with the law.

The cop car ends up in front of me. I fear seeing the “POLITIE, VOLGEN” sign to pull me over. But the car moved another lane to the right, taking the exit to The Hague. I was free to increase my pace to 140 km/h again. (And 170 km/h where 130 is the speed limit.)


After visiting doctor Helberg I went to Alexandrium to buy a subtle shade of lipstick (because deep red is unprofessional, I thinkยฟ).

When I was almost there, on the highway, switching lanes became very difficult and the car started to make stange noises. But the notification screen did not indicate any issues. I didn’t understand what was going on and slowed my pace to the legal limits.

Off the highway, I had to hang on to one side of the steering wheel and pull on it with my entire body weight to make a turn. Parking was tough exercise.

In the shopping center I called my mother saying that I’ll bring the car to her office so she could call the *word that impacts my heart rate more than ANWB does (starting with a ends with ale) [it has sooo much Tishe it makes me feel like hiding underneath the sheets from the impact it has on me. I should see a therapist for that (hahahaha) but it’s all sooo embarrassing]*. The filter in the reservoir for power steering was torn. And some other stuff. We now have a replacement Opel Astra I will take to Amsterdam tomorrow. I will miss the turbo diesel engine of my mother’s car, but at least we have a replacement car.

Especially with my international travels and stuff, I should get an ANWB membership or something. And general travel insurance. But money…


My appointment with doctor Helberg was really chill. I was happy to inform him that I have felt a lot less suicidal since I switched from the surveillance in Rotterdam to his second opinion. Especially because with this clean slate my words are not solely focused on pleading not-schizophrenia for the sake of saving my medical record, but being able to voice all of the stress and suicidal thoughts that had added up to.

What was even more yays were our tangents about the differences between the emotional brain and the cognitive brain, and about politics in the context of my essay. I always feel like an hour to speak to him is too short, because there always still is a lot I want to mention when I leave.

When I came home – I took the metro from my mother’s work home after dropping the car off there – I made myself some fried noodles for late lunch and went to sleep for I couldn’t sleep (again) last night and was very tired.

Now my sleep meter is refilled. I’m going to eat, make some little changes to my presentation and shave. Tomorrow is the big day ayyy. I’m looking forward to it. I hope I’ll radiate good energy meow currently that is my greatest worry.

See you later or tomorrow ehehe xxx


21:33 (09:33 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

Featured image by Guillaume Meurice

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Heyy โ™ฅ

Currently, I’m having lunch at Esco*bar, while revising my text/essay.

Croque madame

Not really a place to work at, but I can find my concentration by blocking out all sound by playing music (paradox lol) haha… It’s a nice place for students, I think.

Before this, I checked out of the hotel after frying an egg, showering and doing the morning dishes. It was my intention to just find a dress at the first store I walk in to, but I see it has to be Christmas time to pull off something like that? Dresses were hard to find in general. It took longer than expected.

Zara dress

I tried this on at Zara. I figured if I find nothing better, I’ll go for this.

Across the road at Costes, I tried this

This would genuinely be cool if I were pregnant

I do that arm move because of the light haha

I was starting to get desperate. Thinking: “Should I combine this with a skirt?” But didn’t give up my search for a dress.

This is kind of cool but my shoulders are broad and I’ll get visibly sweaty in this

But WE had quite some nice options.

This one was also quite cool

I chose this one ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll wear a corset so it will look different ehehe

Meanwhile I’m on my way to my next apartment visitation. A bit late again. ๐Ÿ™ It’s at 3, but according to maps I’ll be there at 8 minutes past. See you later x


Updated 15:02 (03:02 PM)ย 


Okayy the apartment I just visited is more modern than the one I visited yesterday. Modern in the sense that it only operates on water and electricity. No gas. That’s a big plus, but it’s less spacious, though. Aside from a sitting/lounging area and a dinner table, I don’t think there’s space for a separate desk.

I didn’t take any pictures because it would be breaking privacy laws. The situation was a bit sad. The bedroom had a large mattress on the floor and an Ikea mat with roads on them, I also had when I was little.

Instead of a sitting area with a television there usually is in a living room, there was a large bed for 2 people there (and no television). The most shocking part of this for me was that the lady who answered the door is pregnant. That’s quite a life.

Now I’m on my way to my final visitation. This apartment is my favorite next to the apartment I wasn’t selected for. It’s a few minutes from the hotel. After this I’m going home. Meow I’m tired and I saw heavy traffic. ๐Ÿ™


15:41 (03:41 PM)


The apartment was even chiller than I expected it to be. There were 5 more people present to look at it, when I was there. What I find chil is that it does not only have a supermarket below the modern complex: it also has a parking garage. ๐Ÿ™‚ Not that I have my own car, but still… When it comes to that: it’s veryyy close to the central station and has very good sound isolation. Sound isolation is sooo important to me meoww I want thiss.

The one and only extra room that is the bedroom.

Bathroom inside bedroom. A bath ๐Ÿ˜€


And an extra toilet, which is chill if I ever have guests over. ๐Ÿ™‚

There were too many people standing in the living room to make a picture of it. But this apartment in this modern buildings called Vista will hopefully be mine. That’s only possible if my father allows me to share a written overview of his last three months of salary. I hope I could do this before tomorrow ends. ๐Ÿ™‚

After the visitation, I drove home right away. The visitation with the pregnant lady took less time than expected, so my time in between visitations I used to collect my luggage and car at the hotel (especially because reception closed at 17:30 and I might have had to sprint to not be stuck without access to car and luggage), then take the car to the apartment.

It took me more than 2 hours to get home, because traffic was crazy. Even the navigation system’s recalculation to avoid traffic still had me stuck in traffic. But I came home to this ๐Ÿ˜€ :

The excitement of a self-purchased gift

But first I had to go to my mother’s workplace because she prints my presentation hand-outs for me and there was some trouble with the formatting when she opened the second document.

Going to my mother’s workplace for printing reminds me of my high school days haha. โ™ฅ

That was fixed. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have 60 hand-outs now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Though now one hand-out has my serif font on it – this one – and the other hand-out (for keeping) is printed in Arial. ๐Ÿ™ I find it a waste of paper to reprint everything in Bookman Old Style just for the font, but two different fonts is a bit disturbing.

At home I wanted to go to bed right away, but I couldn’t resist seeing the dress I bought. It’s… sparkly, I noticed. I didn’t see that online. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bought it for this occasion. The print is, however, still amazing. I wish it were just all cotton. But I want to be taken seriously… So I’m glad I have my back-up dress. Though still major yays for DHL’s fast delivery and Fashion Nova its unique assortiment. ๐Ÿ™‚

The rest I’ll be checking tomorrow. Now I’m going to continue sleeping. I wanted to practice my presentation again tonight but I’m too tired. ๐Ÿ™ So goood night โ™ฅ


00:13 (12:13 AM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

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My precious blog visitor โ™ฅ

Sorry for the delay, my dear. During the day I realized that I really had to test my presentation on that same day, because tonight I will be in Antwerp and having to make big changes on Thursday would be too late to implement new feedback comfortably.

“Test driveee”

So I spent my entire Monday (plus Sunday partly) crafting 58 PowerPoint slides, cooking, (partially) listing what points to make per slide and writing several different types of hand-outs (for both individual and group assignments).

At some point I decided that I should better wing it for now, having noted key statements for only the first 6 slides, because it was getting late and I really needed to try the presentation that day, to make use of the feedback.

So there I went. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was already 12:35 AM, when my mother and I had our cups of tea, ready to walk through this. I was very glad that she was still awake.

From my side I noticed that I was lost for words often from wanting to make the statements that are in the written essay, but having forgotten how I formulated it. So I need to read my essay a time or two and reflect that to my presentation to make sure that I get my point across.

My mother said that the overall presentation was fun, but that I should explain the “formula” better. To make sure that my audience goes home uplifted and with the feeling that my presentation has added something to their lives. You know: “Wat heb ik eraan?”

The “formula” is about this:

I start with saying that by the end of the hour you have a clear answer to this question.

I agree with her. There was an entire section about personal mission in regard to “The Compass” I had left out, because of the time. And because of that, it was a lot less clear why I mentioned what I mentioned in the earlier parts of the presentation and how the question is answered at the end, by the things we have done in the meantime. So that is one of the things I’m going to change when I’m hotel chilling.

This test presentation took about 45 minutes. There were questions asked in the meantime, but the group assignments we could not do (because for that I need at least 4 people and we were with 2), so time-wise it seems like it’s going to be tight. Though at first I was trying to say as many words as possible per slide, it seems like I should better focus on keeping it short. But not too short…

I’m very happy we’ve done this now. Then I have today for little edits and Wednesday to try again. If I’ll try again again on Thursday I don’t know… Maybe I’ll spend that day only focusing on rest and relaxation.

For now I’m going to spend some time on rest and relaxation as well. Good night โ™ฅ


Updated 04:03 (AM)ย 

Capelle aan den IJssel

Heyy โ™ฅ


I’m in the metro in Antwerp as I am writing this. I figured I might as well check out what public transportation is like here, since I might be doing that a lot from September 24th onwards.

Meanwhile I have visited the apartment.

I like the high ceilings and the classic-ish finishing touches ๐Ÿ™‚

This place has no home office though and is next to a relatively busy road, but I could make myself at home here for sure.

The bedroom has a built-in closet which is ultra chill and the living space is large enough to get creative with ๐Ÿ™‚

The bathroom is fine too though I would appreciate an unexposed boiler


Haha my pictures are really random because I was taking them mid-conversation by squeezing my HTC U11 every time entering a different space.

All these apartments are nice but deep down my heart desires a remote piece of land… For now I just need to get through these university years though. ๐Ÿ™‚

Restaurant dinner? Not today ๐Ÿ˜€

This whole journey was quite rushed for I packed just a few minutes before leaving and I was just in time for my visitation by coincidence. I overslept so had dropped my mother off at work to take the car to Antwerp around 14:40.

I checked in at Arass Hotel at 15:30 – breaking some speed rules don’t try that at home – and then struggled with getting the car into the right garage for a while.

There were two garage entrances through the same gate and I saw that the hotel garage entrance required a special key, so decided to park in the other garage just to check in and take my suitcase to my room for a second.

So after checking in and dropping off my bag – plus quickly changing shirts because my adrenaline driving makes me sweaty ahahahahah – I had to drive that Volvo station out of the narrow garage backwards, hoping that no one would attempt to enter it in the meantime. When it comes to that, I was lucky that only one car arrived right after I just left my parking spot. I used my room key to get into the hotel garage – without any new scratches [note I have never scratched a car] ๐Ÿ™‚ –ย  and there I’ll leave it probably until I go back home.

On my way back towards the hotel, I was in doubt whether or not to eat in a restaurant tonight. But my room has a little kitchen and Delhaize (shout out to ((pretty eyed)) Frans I hope you think I’m cool haha) is right across the road, so…

Lil kitchen

Lil groceries for dinner and breakfast. I also bought a bag for vegetables, saving plastic. ๐Ÿ™‚

Lil fridge (just stacking as much as possible there. I like my things in one place (especially for a short stay))

My room is chill ๐Ÿ™‚

*randomly appears* 😸

I’m going to take a nap, cook and spend the rest of the night chilling in my panties yay. The last time I were all alone like this was in Egmond. So I’ll be enjoying my alone time for now. And tinkering my presentation of course. Tomorrow is for city exploration. ๐Ÿ™‚ See you later xxx


Updated 19:40 (07:40 PM)ย 

Antwerp net niet Zurenborg

Simple Dinner Yays

My dinner was very nice. I don’t know what to do with my left-overs. Maybe I’ll be in the mood for a late night snack though. 😸

Usually I hold back when frying in butter. This has taught me to not hold back. 😻

This and that super tasty portabella I ate when I visited my first potential apartment. My picture is popular 😸

Mouse biteee I couldn’t wait for the picture. Haha it now shows that the mustard and mayonaise I bought (plus the garlic) were for my dressing 😸

In other random news:

First I was #1 of Curacao on ASKfm 😸

Now I’m #57 of Belgium 😸

Oh and meooow my dress will be delivered on Friday between 10 AM and 3 PM… I’ll leave the house around 2 PM so I really reallyyy hope it will be there on time. But I should look for a back-up dress, which is what I’ll do tomorrow between 11 and 3 because I have some hours to kill until my next two apartment visitations.

More randomness: it has been a very long time since someone I passed on the street has made me go 😻 . But woaah today when I walked outside Delhaize there was a super tall and muscular guy with brown hair, thick eyebrows and cheeks like Andreas Eriksen, which made me almost want to enter owl mode spinning my neck 180 degrees because damn… 😻 Haha hellooo Belgium. ๐Ÿ˜€ 😻 Ahahahahahaha

More more randomness: I randomly got my period last Thursday. It’s random because last time was September 2018 or something. Usually it’s fucked up, but I was actually quite happy with it because it’s a confirmation dat de boel nog werkt enzo. (Harry Mulisch reference looooool.) It must be from stress relief. As long as it stays infrequent because other than that I still really don’t like that strange part of nature. ๐Ÿ™‚

I say stress relief because I’m starting to see ways to get my concept, including myself with all that I can do, off the ground again, hoping coming Friday will get me good references. And meowww I should get a Wiki page online. Maybe I could do that on Thursday.

For now I’m going to clean the kitchen and see what’s next. Goood night in advance. ♥


Updated 23:07 (11:07 PM)ย 

Antwerpen Borgerhout ยฟ

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Heyyy โ™ฅ

It has been a while. Excuse my absence. I have been working on this awesome essay:

Evolving Individualism in the 9-5 Economy

The concept I had laid out months ago. Thought that it was going to take just a few hours and a few pages to work it out, but after my last diary post I saw that I needed a lottt more words to explain the entire concept in detail to someone who would not see me explain it in person. I’m glad that it’s finished now. ๐Ÿ™‚ Finished and featured! You should read it. I predict what you should personally do to become happier. ๐Ÿ™‚ Do you agree with my suggestion for you?

Last Week

After my tour for groceries, from my last diary post (opens in new tab), I succeeded in trying to make extension box braids for the first time:

Which took me until early in the morning. I think it’s quite all right for a first time trying it myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

On Wednesday September 4 I had an info night to attend in Antwerp, but after having been stuck in traffic for about an hour and not even being past Dordrecht at that point, I went back home.

Friday morning I thought of looking online for a dress to wear next Friday. Something with a bit of character… I ended up on Fashion Nova (opens in new tab (discount ๐Ÿ™‚ )), with no equivalent stores to be found, and though I was expecting to not be able to receive it in time – since it’s shipped in from a different continent – the cart indicated that my order could be delivered by Monday if I ordered within 6 hours or so…

First I had my eyes on this dress, named “Another Night High Low Dress”…

It’s really cool. I thought it would suit the evolutionary futuristicness of the essay’s theme. But for a Beer & Learn I felt I would be Alice in Wonderland-style overdressed…

So I chose this one: “My Heart Beats For You” ๐Ÿ™‚

And with the upcoming start of university in mind, plus maybe other interesting moments coming up as well, I bought other things, including this:

“Supernatural High Rise Jeans” yay

This pretty “Anne Marie Sweater Top”

“Shake It Off Jacket” hehe ๐Ÿ™‚

And I ordered some butt lifting shorts there (something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but then thinking “noo let me keep it natural” every time… Now I’m letting that go. I’d like some turning heads meowww). Plus, with that tight white dress in mind, I bought a waist corset at Zalando that same day, which came in the mail yesterday:

I’m a corset person now… Hahaha ๐Ÿ™‚

(Another controversial picture… I am simply showing a life in as much detail as I can.) This in combination with those butt shorts will look good in that dress. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll feel comfortable presenting, if it is here on time… The estimated delivery time became Wednesday after it was shipped out, and now it is estimated on Friday itself… ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ I might have to look for a back-up dress…

As long as I look D.O.C.I.S. representable and somewhere in between formal and informal, to suit the event and not have my appearance as a distraction in a negative sense… Because if I’d see this, I would certainly go:

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

It is the first time in my life that I see my name on a poster like that, which is very exciting! 😻 This is visible all through the office building now. I hope that a lot of people will come. ๐Ÿ˜€

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

Alexandra has given them very cool designs. I’m very happy and thankful for the effort she has put in making this all possible for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ I will do my very best to leave a positively unforgettable impression. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hopefully this opportunity will lead to more public speaking opportunities.

This Week

Monday and the rest of this Sunday will be spent on my PowerPoint presentation and mapping what should be on my Wikipedia pages (in such a way that it will be accepted, because it would be such a shame if it were deleted…). I’ll practice the presentation in front of my family (like the old days…).

Tuesday and Wednesday I have more apartment visitations planned in Antwerp, where I will spend the night and hopefully find a comfortable pair of heels.

Thursday morning I will see doctor Helberg and spend the rest of the day relaxing.

And Friday is the day of Beer & Yays (lol I won’t be saying yays). I am sooo curious about the way my audience will respond to what I have to say. A great part of it will be about incentivizing them to share their stance about controversial career-related statements with me. I wonder if it will be all-yay openness or defensive openness (when views vary too much)… I’ll be prepared for both, for both are reasonable and both ways can be a lot of challenging fun, though hoping for the most peaceful experience. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Especially because I want to be doing this more often…)

After Friday, I’ll have a week of chilling left before uni starts… ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s all yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meowww I’ll be working on this PowerPoint now… And on my hand-outs. ๐Ÿ™‚ If you would, during a presentation, be asked to fold a piece of paper 4 times, to write some stuff on it that will be used later in the presentation, would that be yay or nay? (Polling software does not support the type of calculation required for this presentation.) I would think it’s yay because it’s different than usual. But in that same way some could think that it’s un-yay because it’s different from usual in an old-school sense…

Anywayy see you tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥


Updated 20:57 (08:57 PM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

The featured image is made by Dids from Pexels.

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Back Home [Monday, September 2, 2019]

Good morning โ™ฅ


Yesterday morning, around 9 AM, my sister and I arrived on Schiphol airport.

We met our loyal family friends from Amsterdam, considered family, at the Departures 2 parking lot, where they went to with two cars: one of theirs and one of ours, so that I could drive my sister and myself home.

My need-for-speed-within-boundaries style of driving brought us home sooner than the navigation system indicated. After having disarmed the home alarm system one of our neighbors watched the remote of while we were gone (haha oops I rang the doorbell exactly when he was walking around in his underpants. “I do that often, too,” unfortunately did not make it less uncomfortable for him haha), I practiced this jazz tutorial while I waited for my sister to be done showering so that I could take a nap.

My nap was very enjoyable, as well as having my own room after a week of sleeping in a shared bedroom (if you know what I mean). I’m going to miss the apartment in Curacao and the setting it came with, though.

After that, I wrote and uploaded the first D.O.C.I.S. Assignment (opens in new tab). I think it is fun. Hopefully you think that too.

Creating it was quite an occupation, so I unfortunately chose to order sushi instead of having dinner around the block.

After that I cleaned the kitchen a little and went to bed again.

Ah I have some pictures I took before leaving Curacao, for on here, which I hadn’t shared yet:

North Sea Bath Festival haha

I got this mosquito bite and hope it will not make me ill ๐Ÿ™

The elastic bands on these shoes were 100% worn out, so they have been trashed. I’ll miss them, because they have accompanied me on many Summer nights. ๐Ÿ™

Flight details curacao amsterdam 2019

I love thisss. It’s nice to have an assistant, hehe.

Pre-flight food. Best yuca fries eveerrrr!

The Dutch coast

I wish my lifestyle were like in Curacao always. Miss it alreadyyy. ๐Ÿ™

Today’s Excitement

Now it’s 06:40 AM and I’ve been awake since about 5 AM, looking up inspiration for my Wikipedia page, the best supermarket (for I have to go to three different locations to shop anyway and they all have supermarkets, so I might as well shop at the cheapest one, but then again I’d like to be time-efficient…) and braiding tutorials.

Our fridge, freezer and cabinets have been emptied of edible food before we left for Curacao. This is an impression of my fat groceries list (though meanwhile more products have been added to the actual list):

[ ] Krentenbollen
[ ] Limoenen
[ ] Truffelkaas
[ ] Pannenkoekenmix
[ ] Kokosmelk
[ ] Vochtig toiletpapier
[ ] Kipfilet
[ ] Kabeljauw
[ ] Eieren
[ ] Bananen
[ ] Pijnboompitten
[ ] Chorizo
[ ] Feta
[ ] Tomaten
[ ] Melk
[ ] Yoghurt
[ ] Brood
[ ] Duo penotti
[ ] Vanillesuiker
[ ] Pindakaas
[ ] Saffraan
[ ] Veldsla
[ ] Spinazie
[ ] Druiven
[ ] Aardbeien
[ ] Walnoten
[ ] Aardappelen
[ ] Gemberbier
[ ] Bakbanaan
[ ] Markoesasap
[ ] Cassave
[ ] Palmolie
[ ] Madame jeanette
[ ] Maizenakoekjes
[ ] Extensions
[ ] Klemmen
[ ] Kleine elastiekjes
[ ] Steelkam
[ ] Haarkapje
[ ] Tandenborstel opzetstukken
[ ] Infuser bottle
[ ] Paksoi
[ ] Tayer
[ ] Lamsvlees
[ ] Drumsticks
[ ] Kruizemunt

My route will be:

Shopping Center Alexandrium (for the most complete “toko” (click for more info (opens in new tab)) and the best and closest by hair shop)

–> Poelier Dijkshoorn (because I’m also in the mood for their ready-made chicken wings I haven’t eaten in a literal decade)

–> De Koperwiek (for new attachments for my toothbrush, as well as fluoride free toothpaste (I just thought of, wasn’t even on my list) and a new infuser bottle (had I shared that the other one fell apart on the train to Amsterdam a few months agoยฟ) and, according to my little search, the relatively cheapest supermarket (Jumbo > Plus)

–> Winkelcentrum Puccinipassage (for cheese and maybe a remainder of groceries and maybe fresh fruit) –> Home

I wonder how long this will take me. I’m going to clock it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Though I already miss not having to cook in Curacao, I’m happy with my diverse schedule of today. Yays for having things to do. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Instead of having only computer tasks all day.)

After grocery shopping, most of my time will be devoted to working on my essay. It will be a lot longer than my other essays, because I want to be more elaborate than I usually am. It will be online before the week ends. (Including the PowerPoint slides for it. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

For the coming event at the University and my upcoming speech and my appearance in general, preferably I’d like a new custom made wig, but that’s crazy expensive and will take a while to be made and delivered, so my best alternative is box braids. I’m tired of twist braids. Box braids have always been something I considered too difficult to do myself, but I’ve become courageous and excited for trying it, after watching these two tutorials:

I’ll start this process off today, after having uploaded my (answers to the) Assignment 1.

My exact tasks for today are:

  • Somehow find things to make breakfast with
  • Shower and stuff
  • Scan in Assignment 1 and request apartment visitations in Antwerp
  • Drive around doing grocery shopping (don’t forget big grocery bags and checking gas)
  • Eat drumsticks
  • Work on essay
  • Cook and eat (mac&cheese + salad)
  • Box braids (preparations)

I’ll also share my Assignment 1 here and how much time I took for this shopping for groceries. Other than that, that will be it for today. See you in a few. xxxxxxx


Updated 07:47 (AM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

Clocked Itttt

Here is the finished Assignment 1, also downloadable on The Fangs. (20:57):

Assignment 1 in practice

Can you decipher what my greatest privacy concerns are? Let me know. ๐Ÿ™‚

And grocery shopping went faster than I expected. I’ve clocked itt:

11:08: Started to drive towards Shopping Center Alexandrium.

11:20: Realized that I forgot the shopping bags on the table, so arrived back home.

11:33: Paid for the parking meter at Shopping Center Alexandrium (โ‚ฌ1.72, 1 hour), turning on the music in my earphones to do shopping in the Amazing Oriental (โ‚ฌ19.50) and the hair shop around that block (Toko Alexandria, โ‚ฌ51.96).

11:55: Parked near Poelier Dijkshoorn (โ‚ฌ22.20 for the groceries).


12:15: Arrived at De Koperwiek, answering some texts and setting de parkeerschijf.


12:22: Shopping in Ekoplaza. (โ‚ฌ28.46)

12:32: After having put my Ekoplaza groceries in the car, arrived at Jumbo.

13:02: Having loaded the car with the Jumbo groceries (โ‚ฌ77.20), in doubt between walking all across De Koperwiek for that infuser bottle or trying to find it in Shopping Center Puccinipassage (low chance of succeeding, but quicker).

13:15: Arrived at Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:30: Driving away from Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:50: Watching a cheerleader talent show on Spike together with my sister and her boyfriend, while eating “een Italiaanse bol” with truffle cheese and a croissant with ginger jam, after having eaten a handful of mini drumsticks and having stacked the groceries in the fridge, freezer and cabinets.

I felt all yays after having been so productive and having a house full of all kinds of food I like. While shopping, I realized things I hadn’t put on the list, such as mandarins, edge control, a courgette, a cucumber, truffle mayonaise… Things I did not find were an infuser bottle and kruizenmunt.

After a while, I got very tired, so I’m eating late…


I need to get better at making meals for one… Or find a companion… (But the thing is that I’m kind of not (at all) interested in meeting your family and also not very much in introducing you to mine…)


Being able to set my own house policy is something I love soooooo muchhh.

Meoow I’m going to continue on my essay and get started with these box braids. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll see you tomorrow.

My websites will be down for a while though, because I’m going to do a PHP update on all of them. I’ll share on Twitter when I’ll do this. Hmmm I’ve been above personal averagely absent on Twitter. I guess reading my timeline is a bit frustrating to me, for the amount of nonsense that is considered serious facts.

Ciaooo xxx


Updated 21:33 (09:33 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

The featured image is a Pixabay image of a windmill.

This is my home country, but as long as the majority of Caucasian Dutch people do not understand that I have the right to be here just as much as they do, this place does not feel like home. (Yes, I wish I weren’t born here either. Take me to Planet Fang please. ๐Ÿ™ )

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D.O.C.I.S. Assignment 1: Privacy

Let’s discuss the topic of privacy. The PDF file below is our first D.O.C.I.S. Assignment, getting creative with the book 1984 by George Orwell and the topic of privacy.

Assignment 1

The D.O.C.I.S. Assignment was originally posted on The Fangs (opens in new tab).

The featured image is from Wikipedia (opens in new tab).

To become a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club, please click here (opens in new tab).

Here is an example of a finished Assignment 1:

Assignment 1 in practice

With D.O.C.I.S. Assignments, there is no wrong!

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Sunnyays 7 [Saturday, August 31, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

North Sea Festiyays

I went to the festival as CamFangs yesterday

In Rotterdam they let me in with my camera, so I gave it a shot here as well.

But I had to walk back to the apartment to drop it off because even though I mentioned that there is almost no difference between that camera and a phone camera, it was protocol and some artists don’t like being photographed like that, but if I would have had a fat sports lens on it, they would have allowed it in… x_x

So I saw the last few songs of Pitbull’s

It was fun. I knew quite a lot of songs because I used to listen to his music a lot when I was younger (plus he has many hits).

Then I went to see Kenny G

(This is funny if you’ve read two posts ago:) Het was zo ontzettend mooi! Ik kreeg er kippenvel van.

Kenny G’s music used to make me very emotional as a kid. (That means that it touches my soul.) My mother and grandfather listened to it sometimes.

A lot of songs played made me feel like slow dancing in dim lights. It was also cool that they were playing jazz classics from old to new. I feel like diving into jazz chords now. ๐Ÿ™‚


I’ve been dancing my buns off at Earth, Wind & Fire. And singing really loud.

The loss of Maurice White still hurts. The new generation of artists performing in his place do very well. That warms my heart.

Michael McDonald was yays!

He has such good songs. ๐Ÿ™‚ And played nice classics.

Haha I imagined myself entering creep mode on Victishe. Singing songs like Ain’t no Mountain High Enough and Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing, as I run after him and he is trying to escape ahahaha it would be a funny sketch. (Though also a lil painful.)

I arrived at Maxwell during Stop the World hehe

I was in time to hear him play my favorite classics of his: Sumthin’ Sumthin’ and Ascension

The Black Eyed Peas were also very enjoyable. Their new member is very good. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was a party from start to end.

I used to listen to their music a lot when I was in primary school. And they have plenty of hits. I knew many songs (except “Where is the Love” except where that line is sung).

Maroon 5 is rehearsing, I hear (12:07). It’s too bad I can’t see them.

Sunnyays and Sunnyhoes

If I ever want ro read back my holiday in Curacao 2019, I can simply search “Sunnyays” or “Sunnyhoes”. It is also an interesting display of social isolation.

My flight has been delayed with an hour. I’m going to pack my last things and soak in the bath tub.

I hope to finish my essay on the plane. And by the time I land (September 1st), the D.O.C.I.S. Store will be fully online, and at 8 PM (GMT +2) the Book Club assignment will be online.

I’m going to get to it. xxx


Updated 12:27 (PM) [GMT -4]


On the featured image is Jhene Aiko, one of the prettiest artists I listen to. ๐Ÿ™‚ The image is downloaded from Google Images, but was originally posted on HipHopDX (opens in new tab).



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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 6 [Friday, August 30, 2019]

Good day โ™ฅ

By the time I upload this, it is probably afternoon, so that’s why I’m saying “day” instead of “morning”.

It is my second to last day here on Curaรงao, which will be devoted to working on my essay (plus some things for the Book Club and Bookstore due on September 1st), maybe some swimming and after that the second and my last night of North Sea Jazz Curaรงao.

My Regular Duties

On September 1st, the assignment for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club will be announced.ย  On September 13th, I’ll be giving a speech about “Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy” at GrandVision in Amsterdam (I look forward to ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Furthermore, I want to have my Wikipedia pages finished soon, there are still a lot of pictures I’ve taken this Summer, which I’d like to sort out and make a picture album of, I’m trying to plan more visitations for apartments in Antwerp, et ceteraaa.

The assignment will be one of creative writing about privacy, using 1984 as a frame of reference. You’ll see it (either way), for it will be announced both on The Fangs and here. I hope you will do it. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I’m home, I’ll be practicing my speech and upload the essay. I like speaking for an audience (that does not want to see Fangs fall, I hope). It is quite something to have the opportunity to do this for GrandVision. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

It is my intention to have ny Wikipedia pages finished before September 13th. The pictures thing I hope won’t become a task I’ll postpone forever.

The Hunt for a Home

When it comes to finding an apartment in Antwerp, I see this is quite hopeless. Basically, I don’t care what apartment I move in to, as long as the costs for it aren’t out of the roof and it is less than 20 minutes from Campus Middelheim by bike.

The problem is that I’m a student who is colored, with a Dutch passport. That is three strikes. With some shady sole proprietor business: four strikes. Students are known for nuisance and making a mess, I might as well be seen as someone with a fake passport if one is not familiar with the Dutch colonial history, the reason why I’d rather study in Belgium than in the Netherlands is not easy to understand and my income is a big question mark topped off with a student loan. Still, I don’t want to settle for a car. I just want to be able to be all alone when I want to. ๐Ÿ™

What My Body Needs Even More Right Now

What my body needs even more than the type of penetration that makes one feel like life is great and problems do not exist, is something I do not have simple words for. I’ll use a description. You may, if you like, define how to call it. (Though this may be influenced by interpretation.)

I really crave to be all alone. Time may go faster. To be able to travel to tropical islands all by myself is what I’m working towards. That is a way different experience of the calm aura tropical nature has over itself.

What would be even better, is to be with someone with whom being together feels the same as being alone. Then spending time with someone else is not stressful to me. Where I can be myself without a 10-year explanation for a simple thought of mine. (Seeing all of those US Open games makes me want to play tennis with exactly that type of friend.)

This is all not what I expected it to be. I thought that being here would be relaxing to me and that this festival would be one where everyone dances and mingles with everyone. But I feel – though basically unavoidable – I should watch my actions to not end up in some gossip scheme and it’s the usual clusters. I mean if you know me from my blog, I wish I was easy to be approached in person. But I am not. My environment is not inviting. Not in the Netherlands and also not here. Operation Sunnyhoes is a literal mission impossible.

Especially after being barked at for not wanting to repeat my answer – of which I knew it would not be judged mutually anyway – for a forth time, and staying silent instead of saying “Excuse me, what the fuck do you think you’re doing talking to me like that?”, I knew for sure that I should move out at all cost.


It is my intention to be at the festival from the start to the end, today. My choice of artists to visit is rather intuitive. Pitbull, Kenny G, Earth, Wind & Fire, Michael McDonald (and a bit of Maxwell… Exactly they are at the same time ๐Ÿ™ ) and the Black Eyed Peas I have intentions to see. I’m going to try to do this by myself, because that is much more comfortable dancing, walking and deciding where and when to sit and stand. I’ll take my camera this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

Yesterday I learnt that I cannot dance comfortably to music that is written in a major scale for the largest part. I already most often play music in minor (both on the piano and on Spotify). And I learnt that I’d rather make live music than listen to live music.

I feel like trash because I want to be all alone. I’m going for a quick dive and get to writing. xxx


Updated at 13:27 (01:27 PM)ย 


Today’s featured image is my favorite actor: Chris Pine. (Especially after Star Trek. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I found this image on Google Images, originally posted on (opens in new tab). The look of thoughts and/or responsibilities (anything) keeping one awake looks very sexy on him. And it suits the state of Operation Sunnyhoes.

I thought of using an image if Victishe for featured, but feel I really can’t do that without permission and would not ask for that on this satiric set of blog posts.

Chris Pine


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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 5 [Thursday, August 29, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

Today’s island tour was a lot of fun! I’ve taken many pictures. Here is a sneak preview:

Why you’re getting a preview now is because I need to get ready for the Jazz Festival real quick… I was quite tired after the tour of quite some hours, so I’ve been napping. Napping for too long… I can hear Juan Luis Guerra play from where I’m at. The festival terrain is right at the entrance of the resort we’re staying at. I don’t know any of today’s artists. but I love hearing new sounds. (Plus it might be so that I know popular songs but not the artists.)

I’m going to continue to get ready. See you later โ™ฅ (I hope I’ll really see you!)


Updated 19:57 (07:57 PM)



Juan Luis Guerra North Sea Jazz Curacao

Juan Luis Guerra

Aymee Nuviola North Sea Jazz Curacao

Aymรฉe Nuviola

Aymee Nuviola North Sea Jazz Curaรงao

With dancers ayyy

It was nice. ๐Ÿ™‚ I really love live music. (Hopend dat niemand nu verwacht dat ik verheerlijkend over sfeer, gezelligheid en kippenvel enzo ga praten zoals men dat doet wanneer het over muziek gaat. Ik probeer gewoon positief te zijn en te blijven.) I wish I could speak Spanish (or Italian or better Latin).

Unfortunately I didn’t make it to the end of the festival. During the second performance it was already very hard for me to lift my feet when dancing, but leaving felt disrespectful. My entire body felt a lot heavier than normal. It was quite a relief when my mother and sister wanted to leave during a Latin cover of a song of KC and the Sunshine Band (I so loved when I was little), to get some drinks.

On our way to getting drinks (I needed some moisture to take with me as I carried myself to the apartment), I proposed to go home. I wasn’t the only one tired.

So I dragged myself up the hill, way behind my mother and sister. Havana D’Primera we’ve heard from the apartment.

From all artists of today, I’ll look some songs up on Spotify for sure. ๐Ÿ™‚

But now I’m going to bed. Haha I can barely keep my arms lifted to type and still I’m typing this why am I doing that to myself.

Love youuuu ♥

Goood night ♥


Updated 00:21 (12:21 AM)

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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 4 [Wednesday, August 28, 2019]

Gooooood morning โ™ฅ

There’s no better way to start the day than by searching my favorite picture from my favorite Dutch politician. 😻 Ahahaha I’ve seriously dreamt about this last night, but in the dream I couldn’t find the picture. I’m glad I’ve found it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was shown on the (gossip) news when I was visiting my grandmother quite some months ago, and has not left my mind ever since.

I love this expression of (European?) liberalism so much. Especially because he is a politician (and my Catthierry 😻 ). It is revolutionary. ๐Ÿ™‚ ( 😏 😏 😏 ) [I don’t remember if it was broadcasted before or after the elections…]

There is a little hesitance in doing this. But this will be a good post… ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s not like I’ll get sued for using this image… Right…? ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoww I’m going to get ready for the city tour we’re going to do on jetskis. ๐Ÿ˜€ It will be my first time jetskiing.

Am I the only one who finds it frustrating that I still have no real-life touchable (in contrast to people I could sext, but I don’t like sexting…) hoes…? My body reallyyy needs it. To go cold turkey from having sex at least once a day for a year or so was already not easy. And now I’ve been deprived for about 7 months. Gosh, I don’t like sounding like this. Don’t want to sound the way I currently sound. But to fix that, I need… It’s a paradox.


Updated 11:20 (AM)ย [GMT -4]


The only time I had sort of done it before, was virtually, trying to escape cops in Grand Theft Auto… Jetskiing was so much fun! 😻

I shared one with my sister.

I wish there was water like this in the Netherlands… ๐Ÿ˜€

She jetskid us from Jan Thiel to Willemstad, across such pretty sights! I took some pictures:

Action pictureee

The Jan Thiel beach resort from where we left off

Willemstad ๐Ÿ™‚

I jetskied us back. Once I got the hang of it, I wished the tour was longer… Meoow I really want to go again. ๐Ÿ˜€

(Another thing I wish to do again is sailing! 😻)
We might go jetskiing again on Friday, from Jan Thiel to the Spanish Waters lagoon. But there’s the North Sea Jazz Festival as well, and I was quite tired after the ride…

Currently, we’re at Tony Roma’s. Though I usually prefer haute cuisine-ish restaurants, I really love this place! I’m waiting for a set of tasty appetizers and my rib-eye and ribs.

Ahahaaa there is an huge controversy-paradox inception behind this series of posts, topped off by this post’s header image, I will elaborate on later.

Eet smakelijk sweet Catje of mine. ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥


Updated 20:13 (08:13 PM) [GMT -4]ย 

Groot Davelaar

The Controversy-Paradox

Should one share his/her most intimate thoughts on the public internet? As far as I know, most people find that people should not be that open on the internet, because the information could be used for the wrong purposes and because they find that those feelings should be shared with the people in their environment rather than on the web.

I disagree with this. Yes, good things can always be used for bad purposes, but that should not be a limitation. It is much better to be who you are and do what you want. But I find that the system (social norms, certain laws, etc.) does not allow for that. Posting a nude picture on the internet is allowed, but going grocery shopping nude is not allowed, for example. The internet is more free than real tangible life is, so, for me, here is where my freedom is.

The next layer of this controversy-paradox is openness about anything sex related. From the people I’ve come across, most of them are far from comfortable talking about anything sex related. They are also most often very conservative, finding that sex is only for the one you will spend eternity with. And that a girl out for a one night stand is always a slut.

Again, I disagree. Until I’ve had my first relationship, I too was saving myself for anyone to spend the rest of my life with, and be monogamous, et cetera (though – especially with pornography allowed – I don’t know who anyone is able to stick to “no sex before marriage” (especially because what if it’s bad…)). Now I do not think that man was made to be monogamous. Temptations are always there.

I’m not saying that you should fall for every temptation. But wouldn’t it be nicer to indulge more often than to resist? If no-strings-attached were something you could really be open about. Family dinner conversation type of normal (though some minds really are not that flexible).

Though many people assume this, [seriously, why? ๐Ÿ™ ] I really am not a slut. ๐Ÿ™

I like one night stands, but I still have standards… It has to be someone I find attractive, it must be someone with whom I can have a proper conversation (including that he/she is ambitious because otherwise I’ll feel too ambitious and that is an awful feeling), someone who is most likely to not carry STD’s (not tooo many partners (that’s also way less drama)) and someone who seems like a good lover… I can sense that in the blink of an eye, unless I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, my needs are greater than my scrutiny and I often forget 90% of everything, and then feel worried about my actions the day after. I have a scar on my knee from kissing an artist on stage and then falling off the stage… I don’t even know what artist it was… 😩 Ever since what happend in Amsterdam at the beginning of this year, I’ve been watching how much I drink… But I kind of feel going wild catty on the festival, starting Thursday…

I don’t like the type of girls who speak loudly with high pitched voices, hanging over everyone and touching everyone, making a scene about the most superficial nonsense (and everyone hears what it’s about)… Especially because I’m colored and my life is all over the internet, people mistake me for that person. I’m so very reserved in person… I’m looking for someone who is able to break through that barrier. ๐Ÿ™

The paradox is that basically no one likes dramatic females who share everything online and make scenes in person (and neither do I), but I do carry a lot of mental baggage with me which is the main reason why I crave for no-strings-attached slightly rough sex… ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to sleep now. It’s late and I have to get up early…

Good night ♥

– xxx –

Updated 01:30 (AM)ย 


nude Thierry Baudet

This featured image is the first image I saw when Googling “Thierry Baudet nude”: A Twitter page sharing a screenshot of this meow Instagram picture of his.

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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 3 [Tuesday, August 27, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

The hunt for cuddles is still on. Not really spotted approachable potential cat preys yet…

Currently sitting on my lil throne, restrategizing…


Just kidding, I’m not using strategy on this. Finding a Catje is a matter of luck. I was watching TV and chatting with my fam. And waiting for a proper internet connection so that I can tell you about earlier…

It was a lot of fun going to the casino with my (don’t tell my other aunts :x) favorite aunt, sister and 17 year old cousin. We went to the Renaissance casino, not Princess (oops excuses I informed you incorrectly x_x).

She has rented the yayest cars of the 3 rentals we have here. ๐Ÿ™‚

Such a nice sight coming out of the garage ๐Ÿ™‚

My aunt gave all of us $100 to play with. She likes playing (alone) at the high bet tables.

My cousin, sister and I started off with this hehe. It was funny. ๐Ÿ™‚ Way in the end of the night I made a little profit with this.

We also played blackjack at a lower bet table. After having blackjack twice in a row, everything went downhill for me and I stopped playing ahahahah.

My “losing” facial expression (issa joke ofc I can take a loss)

I lost $70. x_x But it was great fun! ๐Ÿ˜€

On top of the chillness and chill lifestyle of this aunt of mine, other things I find chill about her is the traditional knowledge that doesn’t sound like superstition.

Today, for example, she told us that though many Surinamese Creoles these days cook with onions and garlic, the original Creole kitchen didn’t include those ingredients. Slaves didn’t have access to those ingredients. My great grandparents even also prepared traditional dishes without those ingredients. It was when the multicultural society in Surinam started to blend, the Creole kitchen adopted onions and garlic.

And she has interest in a diverse range of cultures and classes, without judging negatively, so that is the greatest yay for me. Plus she likes art (and real estate). ๐Ÿ™‚

All of her houses have art in it (not only for safeguarding money in a tangible way) ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m exhausted meoooow good night โ™ฅ


Updated 04:25 (AM) [GMT -4]


Heysss ♥

I’ve been working on the draft of Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy, instead of going to the beach again. It’s yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope to finish it today, to then go over it again a few dozen times and turn it into speech format. And work on the drafts of my wiki pages. ๐Ÿ™‚

But before I take a little break to go swimming here at the pool on the compound on which my aunt’s holiday apartment is, I logged in here to share some random things:

  • I just signed up for an info evening about combining work and study at the University of Antwerp on September 4th.
  • I’m in the posession of Florins now, because when I handed in my profit cards at the casino, I asked for Florins instead of US dollars, supporting the local currency a little. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Plus it was yays that my aunt let me drive her car. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Though it was because she has trouble with her knee. ๐Ÿ™ ))
  • For the Operation Sunnyhoes headers, I use an image of a women and a man alternately. It would be very funny to use a picture of Victishe or Catthierry for tomorrow’s header. 😂 Like they’re actually involved in this, while, in reality, I’m here chilling in holiday isolation with mommy and daddy, and I’d randomly take some image off of Google ahahahaha. Plus my posts are just a random description of my thoughts, not really a serious mission the title implies. Do you get my sense of humor? Everything is a hyperbole, unless it is actuallt that big, hahaha… 😂

Meoooow I’ll be swimminggg. And I’m in loveee with the catje on the header image. 😻


Updated 17:48 (05:48 PM) [GMT -4]


Swimming was greattt 😻

Meoow I love tropical nature sooo much. I really want to live in an environment where palm trees grow (in an outmost modern economy), when I live independently. That’s one of the reasons why I want to move to California. ๐Ÿ™‚

Such an exotic audience today. 😻

Meoow I didn’t get to work on my essay and speech anymore. ๐Ÿ™ I thought we were going for a drink and a quick snack, but I just came back from Avilla Beach Hotel, where I was with my family.

The last picture is awa limunchi (excuse my spelling if it is incorrect), water with lime and sugar, which is drunken very often here. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I’m tired meooww. Goood night ♥

– xxx –

Updated 23:37 (11:37 PM) [GMT -4]


This sexy Catje is photographed by Marco Lima from Pexels 😻

Online Diary

Operation Sunnyhoes Day 2 [Monday, August 26, 2019]

Gooood morning โ™ฅ


Operation Sunnyhoes continues. I can’t quit it with my body in need like this (even if it’s just some kissing), even though it’s not easy doing this from the isolation my family cohort is, in which I’m isolated in my thoughts. Chances to randomly chat up someone when I’m anywhere is practically impossible in between the “Let’s go here,” “Let’s sit here,” “This person/they think(s) that…” “Look at those people there.” (And then I feel embarrassed.) I’m very used to it, though, so “no big deal”… ๐Ÿ™‚

How life would be different if the outside world were more approachable to me and if I were more aporoachable, I often wonder. I hope that by moving to Antwerp, I will be able to feel it.

I worry too much about the impression I make to be my actual self, when I like you, though. But when we are used to being around each other, that worry fades.

I have some pictures to share:

We spotted flamingoes yesterday ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

The reason why I post very infrequently… Internet slow est. ๐Ÿ™

Heyyays ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ

Today, I’m going to another beach (leaving here in a few hours) and in the evening to a casino with my (favorite :x) aunt. ๐Ÿ™‚

Right now I’m going to eat some. My sister fried an egg for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥ So I’ll see you later xxx


Updated 11:01 (AM) [GMT -4]


Mood Beach

Heyy I’m at Mood Beach now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Public private beach sight

Leaving some room so you can come and lay here comfortably. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

Cheeeeers ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

In reality that space was there because I left some for my mother. I’m here with my sister, parents and two cousins from Suriname.

Versnaperingen. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s a really chill beach. ๐Ÿ™‚

I just swam some.

An attempt of spotting lil fishes with that snorkeling mask. But I didn’t get enough air in it and later it got full of water so… 😂

After that, I swam some more.

Now I’m back here to reveal you another layer of Operation Sunnyhoes:

The Sunny Side of Operation Sunnyhoes

Operation Sunnyhoes allows me to not beat around the bush. Against all (non-officially-stated-ish) rules of professionalism, I want to both do business and get no-strings-attached kissy with you. Without doing anything low-key. Now my intentions are very clear.

Though I wouldn’t mind being monogamous with anyone mature and about 1.5 times my height, I’d rather be able to get the best of everyone. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am – happy to have found a word for it – so very sapiosexual and would like to be as open as possible about this. Are there conventions for that yet?

Plus in this way there is enough space in my fantasies for both Victishe anddd Catthierry! 😻 Wish I could make that more than just a fantasy haha meowww. Ahahahhahaha 😏 😂

Meoow I’m going to a casino tonight (I believe “Princess”). Hoping to spot some Catjes. 😻

Some random pics:
On the first day of my stay here, I shared a random moving picture or road rails. Here is the same view during daylight.

It is a classic sight! ๐Ÿ˜€

Here colonial houses are colorful. ๐Ÿ™‚

๐Ÿ˜€ ♥

I am number oneee ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 17:51 (05:51 PM) [GMT -4]
Marie Pampoen

Yays we’re leaving for the casino around nine. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow we’re going to a (or theยฟ) beach at Jan Thiel. On Wednesday, we’re going jetskiing and out for dinner at Tony Romas. On Thursday, we’re going on a little jeep safari and boat tour, plus it will be the first day of the Curacao North Sea Jazz Festival. On Friday, it’s the second day of the Jazz Festival. And on Saturday, my sister and I are going home. Such fun activities. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll be soapy showering and then napping for about an hour. xxx

– xxx –

Updated 19:00 (07:00 PM) [GMT -4]

The featured image is made by Na Urchin from Pexels

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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 1 [Sunday, August 25, 2019]

Top of the morning to you, my dear ladies and gentlecuddles. 😏

Operation Sunnyhoes has kicked off way better than the pre-opening of my bookstore and book club admissions has. My gut tells me that I’m doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing, as I want to get a complex international business concept of the ground. Because Operation Sunnyhoes is far from politically correct. (Like will this make you shy away from me even more? ๐Ÿ™ ) But meow maybe it works the other way around… I like taking risks.

Better Policy, Better Hoes

I pay my hoes “in (literal) natura”. From kisses (etc. though it depends on how attracted to you I am) to self-prepared dinners. That’s nothing new.

What is new is that now I say that the person is my dearly beloved hoe in advance. Instead of getting mad kissy (frequently) and then have to later explain that a monogamous relationship is not what I want in life ever (honestly)… (Though I can go a long way for some extremely good sex. As in I’d marry Victishe just to know if it would feel like what I think that it would feel like…)

Excuse me, I’m going to make my breakfast pudding. xxxxxxxxx

Oh well I wanted to make breakfast pudding, but then I spotted some fish and Surinamese ginger ale, and my featured image was loading slowly still, so…

And my cousins have been ordered to fry eggs and bacon… Surinamese minionism ahahahaha.

I’m still here. ๐Ÿ˜€

Listening to the 10 last songs I added to my mood suiting playlist, as I lay here, telling you about Operation Sunnyhoes.


I’m loving it hereee. Much more than my first time (because then it was because I wasn’t trusted to stay at home without going missing, which is the greatest insult ever).

Meoow I took a picture of our snacks of yesterday:

It was tastyyy

It was fun chilling there. ๐Ÿ™‚

When it comes to infrastructure and attractability to tourists, Surinam can, I think, learn a lot from the Dutch Antilles. (They also have much better ties with the Netherlands, compared to Suriname.) Asphalt roads without holes in them… Better maintained colonial houses, etc.

Operation Sunnyhoes

Meooow I want to get no-strings-attached kissy. I hope to find that here. Hopefully at the Jazz Festival. Even more hopefully before the Jazz Festival.

Ah we’re going to do some shopping and head to the beach. I’ll check-in on you later. And write a part of my essay tonight. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 10:53 (AM) [GMT -4]

Hehe I went to the grocery store to buy a sponge, among other things. Not only for better solo shower yays. Also because I like sponging in my hoes. I’m telling you I’ll be good to you my meowww. ♥


Let’s get soapyyy 😏

Ahahaha my aunt’s property surveyor here is such a catje. 😻 But just for looking, I guess, for he sounds like a “I have left my life in the Netherlands behind to enjoy the sun here adventure” family man haha… But meoow grey hair and blue eyes are one of my many weaknesses… 😻

Currently I’m at PortoMari with my parents. I hope to spot some sea piglets here. ๐Ÿ™‚ If not, I’ll be enjoying the beautiful sea either way. 😻


Updated 14:30 (02:30 PM) [GMT -4]

Meoow I have a complex thought to share…

6 public visitors today, of which I am one

My first time having visitors in Curacao

I think that are people visiting the Jazz Festival in Curacao next week. I wonder if my very frequent audience includes my parents…? That would be a bit awkward. x_x I mean you’re cool and all but this is not written in the context of the things I’d happily discuss with someone who considers himself/herself my overseer.

Operation Sunnyhoe. x_x It was already hard because I’m never alone. ๐Ÿ™ Now it’s even more awkward. ๐Ÿ™ This whole internet thing. ๐Ÿ™ To quit all of my internet activity (and emigrate) suddenly doesn’t sound that bad anymore. x_x

But it could still also include some sexy wild Graeynissis. ๐Ÿ˜€

I really wonder who my visitor from the United States is. 😸 😸 😸

Meooow I never fully succeed in the missions I create for myself here, so, honestly, I just want Operation Sunnyhoe to be successful.

Good night for now ♥

– xxx –

Updated 00:43 (12:43 AM) [GMT -4]

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Sunnyays 🌞

Heyyy Fangs here with the Sunnyays 😸

We’re on sunny Curacaooooo 🌞

Just arrived at my aunt’s holiday apartment. It’s my second time on Curacao. ๐Ÿ™‚

Random road picture. I can’t wait to be taking pictures with my Olympus camera here. ๐Ÿ˜€

Meooow look at my bathrooom 😻

Here is the sea ๐Ÿ˜€

And here I’ll be lounging (when I’m not swimming) ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

Meowsss I’ll be socializing and chat you up when I’m alone. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 16:42 (04:42 PM) [GMT -4]


My lil throneee

Currently, I’m laying on this like cat royalty. After eating the tasting like home dinner my aunt’s housekeeper who is one of the 11 people holidaying(-ish for she cooks, cleans and does our laundry and such) here, I got ready for going out later:

I want to get kissy, my meow…

As I was reading De Buitenvrouw (which has waaaaay more sex in it than I expected… My fantasy was so triggered ahahaha I just stopped reading at some point. We were flying in sardine class because there were no comfort class seats left)…

Ah meow we’re leaving so I’ll be back in a few hours, to continue the story that is yays xxx


Updated 20:05 (08:05 PM) [GMT -4]


The conclusion of the story the previous text was that I need new hoes… But I’ll explain that further in a few. ๐Ÿ™‚

Currently I’m chilling at Bij Blauw. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 20:42 (08:42 PM) [GMT -4]


As I was reading De Buitenvrouw, and while I recognized the perception many Dutch people have described to me (often men) in respect to how they respond to Creole people (women) in the story – and (a thought I don’t really share) how, as a Creole mix born in the Netherlands both Dutch and Surinsmese culture still feel a bit foreign to me, I realized that only the ensurance that I’ll have good sex on a daily basis can make me decompress.

I love Zwagerman’s recognizable style of writing! It’s funny, sexy and detailed the way most modern Dutch literature is. At some point I had to stop reading because I was getting turned on haha. (I love the feeling, but not when I can’t vent it meow I need new hoes…)

In between all the (more and more mission impossible I’ll become a high school maths teacher ๐Ÿ™ ) things I’m trying to accomplish, and the way I over-value performance like I’ll get a grade for everything I do (it’s never really just for fun), I crave someone to grab.

Last Thursday (it is Saturday today), I was in Amsterdam, for a psychotherapy session. We are discussing my past to present lifeline and were at the chapter of my ex. The reason why I found it so hard to break up with him is because I had no better sex alternatives. We had sex at least once a day when we were spending time together, I always subtly demanded. It was the way I could forget everything that was on my mind. We were always quite rough, which made those moments true highlights in my life (I still think about it a lot).

I went cold turkey on my sex addiction. (Well cold turkey in the sense of not having a partner.) Ever since that, I feel like such an insecure plain jane, while that is not even me. I genuinely think that if I’d have a few people I could have good sex with, I’d enjoy life so much more.

So I need new hoes… When I was younger, I always had quite some people I always had slightly naughty conversations with, but then I was still a virgin (because I was waiting for that special someone ๐Ÿ™ ), so they never became my hoes…

I need new hoes… You’re not going to do anything with The D.O.C.I.S. Store, are you? You could also become my hoe, which has similar corporate influence benefits. It might even be better than being a Book Club member.

Please be my hoe. ๐Ÿ™ ♥ I’ll treat you very good. Though we might be more physical than talkative, I’ll brighten up your life for sure.

Ah a problem with hoeing is that I made this promise to myself that I won’t take any sex preys of mine to my parents’ house anymore. The walls are too thin and the idea is making me feel sick. Need my own house. ๐Ÿ™‚

Another problem is that I suck at sensing whether someone is into me or not. Especially with women I suck at sensing that. (I think? I don’t like asking because I don’t like hearing that I’m wrong?) I often feel the need to just kiss someone, but what if they’re like “Eww get off of me.” Then I’d be like a rapist.

By the way – I heard of this term a few days ago – I think I’m “sapiosexual” (sexually attracted based on someone’s intelligence). (I think everyone is sapiosexual…) No further explanation needed (but you can ask me if you want meow I’m just tired now).

I’m starting my hoe recruitment tomorrow. Requirements:
> Being able to have passionate sex with someone who you are not dating.
> Enjoys kissing (including hickeys).
> Has a goal in life.
> We do not insult each other. We explain our underlying emotions if something is up.
> For men: size does matter…
> For women: basically don’t make a big deal out of nothing (including yelling over nothing)…

Let’s make each other happy. 😻
You won’t be my secret hoe. I will show you to the world. ♥

My recruitment goes by both me randomly picking people on sight and being sent a personal message by anyone who would like to be my lifetime hoe. I will love you so you will be with me if you don’t leave me.

Looking forward to North Sea Jazz festival even more now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Furthermore, I’m having a great time here. ๐Ÿ™‚ It would be even better with some hoes. No relationships and meet-the-parents and marriage and babies and stuff blegh.

Good night ♥


Updated 00:07 (12:07 AM) [GMT -4]


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