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Online Diary

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

00:31 Here are some pictures I made before 12 am, but I hadn’t posted them yet: 02:25 Good night ♥ 09:45 Good morning! ♥ How was your night?  Mine was far too short… I could barely get myself out of bed – as usual, but this time also because the bed just laid so Cuddle, besides the fact that I always wake up tired. I always end up timing getting up in such a way, that I’m at breakfast about 30 to 15 minutes before it closes.  10:30 So after breakfast I took a nap I just woke up from….

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

02:01 Meow… I’m pondering about where to stay, when I get back to the Netherlands. I just want to be with my Graeynissis as soon as possible…  My life shouldn’t go back to the routine it was, before I went to Germany. (It’s why I don’t want to go home.) I can’t wait for my next step in entrepreneurship! It is key for me to finish my book(s) and websites on time, as well as my executive summary.  So, my plan for today is to have breakfast and pack. Then store my luggage, pick up my car, pick up my…

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Monday, November 12, 2018

17:07 My Cuddle ♥ How’s your Monday? Mine is bed petty…  18:17  So, tomorrow I’ll start my journey back to the Netherlands… It feels kind of weird to just go back, after having made those statements about flooding. Part of me says that I should stick to my words and not go back, but I’m doing this for my Dutch Graeynissis.  Some of my belongings are at the Cuddle’s, so after packing, breakfast and picking up the car, I’ll collect those, say goodbye to him and start my descent.  I’m meeting my mother in Dortmund. I chose that city, because…

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Sunday, November 11, 2018

16:09 Meow 😻😻  How’s your day? I hope it’s littttt I just came back from my Cuddle and before that the spa and fitness center of the hotel I’ve stayed in before. It was awesome :D. Meoww I feel bad for saying un-cuddle things about Cuddles 😿😿. It has to be Cuddle instead of un-cuddle.   I’m now going to search for a place where I can get food on a Sunday afternoon and then work on my CV in the hour my laptop battery isn’t dead yet. My Cuddle knows a place where I might be able to get…

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Saturday, November 10, 2018

10:50 Morniing ♥ What are your plans for the weekend?  Mine are ????????  I woke up to a lot of texts from my mother. Now my worries are tying my stomach in knots.  Maybe I do need to go back to the Netherlands. To save my Dutch Graeys… There must be people who do feel the same way about the masses as me. Who also find that family shouldn’t be an obligation and who also don’t believe in that shallow oneliners are good for you.  My decision making would be a lot easier if my B would describe his situation…

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Friday, November 9, 2018

11:00 Good morning! ♥  How was your night? Mine was nice. Even just laying down, when I couldn’t sleep, was nice. I’m used to hearing cars and sirens from a busy road, because my bedroom at “home” is next to one. But this room I’m in now, is so close to a busy road, that with my eyes closed, it feels like the cars are dashing past, right across my room, even though I sleep on the second to last highest floor. (The noise is a down side. I need seclusion…) I’ll write some for D. O. C. I. S….

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Thursday, November 8, 2018

11:16 Good morning :] I’m killing some time before my next check-in. I guess, to be understood by my non-blog readers, I need to be A LOT more direct. I consider being direct, a form of barbarian unpoliteness.  The person I called my Cuddle, I gave that title way too fast. Something I always try to figure out when I meet someone new is: “Can you hear my thought frequency?”/”Do we have a similar personality?” But when that person’s sole intention is to get in my pants, of course everything will seem similar and positive. The night when I didn’t…

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Wednesday, November 7, 2018

00:58 Heeeey 😀 As I mentioned earlier, by means of giving my aching head some rest, I’m writing less. The amounts of time trying to break down how I intend to manifest, within my life, touching on the lives of many, my Volta, in which I go from: “I’m so broke and having so much bad luck, I might never make it,” to “From the way things are looking right now, it’s so clear that I’m on the right path to achieve everything I have listed for us,” without that Volta taking place, is starting to bore me.  12:07 Soo…

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Monday, November 5, 2018

09:57 Good morning! How was your night?  Mine was very nice! So nice, that I actually want to continue sleeping, but the doctor’s practice closes at 1. I’ll use the 13:00 – 15:00 break for my nap :].  Yesterday, I signed up for this “freelancers/sole proprietors working together in the library” Meetup. I ended up cancelling it. I’ll only go to this other meetup tomorrow, about storytelling. I want to avoid being asked the question/lying about why I’m here. Especially in the context of working together and thus possibly networking, I don’t want to introduce the personal side of myself…

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Sunday, November 4, 2018

07:50 Good morning!  Hahahaha it’s been a long time since I’ve taken moments off from writing.  I just handed in the rental car. 21 minutes left until my tram comes.  I’ve never seen a city so quiet in the morning… That’s so chill :D. Is it because it’s Sunday? Usually, when I’m being a tourist somewhere, with my family, we leave the apartment/hotel room, to do things, around 11 or 12 or something. Something I’ve learnt is that I speak Southern German. The Berliner dialect sounds very different from “my dialect” [I also use words from Dutch and/or English, when…

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Friday, November 2, 2018

09:55 Good morning! 😀 12:03 I’m back in my hotel room. My work out was niceee.  I’m now going to get my razor and shaving cream out of the car, shower and shave – haha meoww I’m such a hairy cat right noww, seek for a cheap place where I can have lunch, get a massage, probably take a nap, then I have a dinner reservation at 18:30, swim when my food is digested and then – if I have some energy left – wash my hair etc. Oh, before I go to the garage, I should call Sixt to…

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Thursday, November 1, 2018

[On Friday, November 1, 1996, 21:15, this wild Cuddle came into existence.] 08:48 Good morning ♥ The cold is keeping me wrapped up, underneath the sheets. But I really need to get out of bed, because breakfast is until 10 am.  I expected to feel lonely, but actually, I feel so comfortable and happy about spending this day by myself.  It would be even better, if I could finally meet my dear readers in person, but I won’t spend my time wishing for something I can’t control. As in: I can’t teleport you to Berlin and make you say, “Fuck…

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Wednesday, October 31, 2018

07:32 Good morning! I’m in the bus 10:51 The top speed of my rental car is about 195 km/h, hehe.  15:24 I had to stop for gas, on my way back from doctor Cuddle. I received the car with a full tank… The trip to his practice and back was long, but nice. I was very glad to see him. In the moment itself, I wanted to express this and how much I had missed him and that I wish that I could spend so much more time with him, but because other people have responded to a similar sort…

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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

08:58 Good morning 😀 How was your night?  Mine was all right. I woke up a few times, in the middle of the night, so I’m still tired, though. After this, I’m going to take a nap.  I hope that somewhere today, what I transferred to my prepaid credit card, will finally be on there. Then I can finally make a doctor’s appointment and travel to a different city. I drew on the picture, because the name of the hotel is on the key ring and I don’t want certain people to know where I am :D. [Even though, an…

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Monday, October 29, 2018

13:36 Hi♥ What I transferred to my prepaid credit card, still hasn’t been received yet, but the other bills have been deducted from my debit account, so I’m “back on minus”… Which method to use, to never come back to this level…  My opinions are either working full-time for another boss [honestly, I’d rather die], or receiving engagement from my audience. I think most of the people who are interested in what I do, are much older than me. That’s Cuddle 😻🙊  In this situation, finding my inner peace is even more complicated. As long as I don’t know where…

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Sunday, October 28, 2018

08:43 Good morning, my Cuddle ♥  I just had breakfast. Unfortunately, my body isn’t the way it was a few years ago. I’m still so tired – just like after dinner yesterday – that I’ll be napping. Hopefully afterwards, I’ll have enough energy to work some. Meow, I still need a medic…  Something I can already feel is the heartache from celebrating my birthday all by myself, here. It’s still better than celebrating it with people who think that I’m crazy and treat me like I’m unconscious.  I’ll be back after my nap.  –xxx– 14:52 On “How do I file…

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Saturday, October 27, 2018

08:29 Good morning ♥  Last night, I had a change of heart, when it comes to how to go about this. I’m hesitant with sharing it. I fear my safety and the status of my finances. [This surfaced in the extreme nightmare I had before I woke up. I can still feel the pressure and fear from it, flow through my body.]  Yesterday, my bad luck was missing the bus. Today, it’s misinterpreting the message “we now process payments right away” for processing them on the weekends as well. I now have my new ESTA and a very temporary apartment…

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Friday, October 26, 2018

04:18 (AM)  My current form of transportation makes it possible for me to charge my phone. That’s so chill :D, because I haven’t booked a new hotel room yet. Because of the few abilities for late night travel, after I couldn’t find the special bus stop for international buses, there were no options for me anymore, to travel to Milan by not plane.  On the spot, I searched for an alternative way to travel as far away as possible. It really sucks that the train tickets are non-refundable.  For me, it went from conversation to beef, after: “Your behavior is…

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Thursday, October 25, 2018

15:50  I just managed to get myself out of bed… There’s not really anything nutritional and “unique” to eat, so my father and I are going to eat in the center of the town I live in. By “unique”, I mean something that I want to eat varied. When I say “the city center”, I mean the center of Rotterdam. The town I live in, is Capelle aan den IJssel.  The strange thing about my headaches, is that they emerge when I, for example, jump or shake my head.  16:41   Ugh suddenly this fleh came home.  Another thing that is…

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

00:15 About the friend of my sister: because she paralyzes twice a day, I think she needs “past Dutch borders” medical assistance as well… I zone out…* 02:10  I still can’t sleep. Meow :[. 12:47  At the peak of my high and my laking, I was finally able to go to sleep.  Today, having to talk to this “health care specialist”, makes me want to throw up…  The only reasons I give in, when my mother forces me to talk to a Dutch psychiatrist, is because: I want to prove that the psychiatrists are wrong for labeling me as and…

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Tuesday, October 23, 2018

17:40 (05:40 PM)  I couldn’t sleep last night… Again x_x. I’m trying to cut down on writing and I’m keeping myself from making voice recordings. The pressure headache I have, makes me tired. I still haven’t been able to fall asleep. Meow 😿  I’m going to try sleeping again…  18:00 (06:00 PM)  I’m hungry… I had yesterday’s dinner for breakfast… I don’t want to eat that again… There’s no more yoghurt… I’m too tiredd meoww. Mag ik een Cuddle?  :[ 21:32 (09:32 PM)  Dit is toch geschift?  “Source: Wikipedia” T voelt als een soort oorlogstijd ofzo… — Basisschool shit…  T is…

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Monday, October 22, 2018

02:44 (AM) Hey… ♥ The 21st was a diverse and busy day. Right now, I’m working on my ad spaces. By the two dates in the renewed privacy policy – I very recently uploaded – I’m trying to say that I have been taking the privacy laws into consideration from the start, but that from the publication date, the current version counts. Before that, I didn’t make use of Google AdSense etc. I hope I can share with you some audio I made today [it’s nothing serious!]. The files are too big x_x. Hmmm, I’ll think of another way to…

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Saturday, October 20, 2018

00:56 (12:56 AM)  I don’t want to go to sleep and leave you with a cliffhanger. It’s past bedtime and I’m tired, though, so I’ll tell you about the scope of “Level 4” [reference to the October 17 post] and how it relates to “the situation”.  First I’ll take my make-up off, brush my teeth and undress myself, to enter cuddle-mode, in my bed.  — Directly and indirectly, things related to “Level 4” and “the situation” have been mentioned ve-ry often. Even though I’ve done this, it’s still a sensitive topic. It would be so uplifting to find those who believe in…

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Friday, October 19, 2018

11:56 (AM)  My Cuddle ♥ In case you wonder around what time it’s best to visit this website, to see a(n) (live) update, it’s around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and around 11 o’clock in the evening. Depending on how today goes, my evening update could be a lot later. I’ll be meeting up with a friend, later. I’m now still in bed…  I al-ways wake up tired. I then tend to keep myself falling asleep, until I feel less tired than when I woke up. What I seek, however, is some method/way of life where I don’t wake up…

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Thursday, October 18, 2018

12:11 (PM)  Good afternoon :] There are some pictures I took with my phone yesterday that I would like to show you: To mime the metaphorical context: two versions of you, one hopeful and one anxious, have been handcuffed to me. I, your escort, am a prisoner, too. For a very long time, I’ve been stuck in this prison. I know ways to escape, but to succeed, I need your strength. Let me guide you to freedom, while we turn the manifestation of fear into more courage and more confidence. I consider this life we live, where the system determines…

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Wednesday, October 17, 2018

09:49 (AM)  Good morning 💕 I really appreciate you reading my diary! I have never talked about this with you (yet), but the idea that I air out the contents of my mind, and that you then keep coming back to read it, fills my heart with so much joy!  When I mention the contents in real life, people often want to falsify them. Even though I don’t mention it – because if I were to mention it and they would try to debunk that, too, I will become agitated and the stress levels on my heart will increase a…

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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

17:02 (05:02 PM)  Good afternoon, my Cuddle 🙊 💕  To make sure I stay on the right track, in this maze where I need to make fast decisions for the short-term, which influences how the long term plays out, I’ve made a draft of a public description [consider it a pamphlet in disguise] of the aspect of life that has been one of the factors inspiring me to write Volta. I want to spend enough time on my future publication(s) and my publishing company, while I’ll, unfortunately, give away a large part of my free time to a [probably full time,…

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Monday, October 15, 2018

00:02 (12:02 AM)  Haha I’m so in love with the character I made in Episode 😻. I only styled her and gave her the character of a romantic person.  She’s also dealing with a lot of bad dreams 😅   I downloaded the game in the car, on our way to drop off my grandmas and then head home.   We just got home. I’m going to bed.  Slaap lekker 💕  03:41 (AM)  The “climax of my nightmare” just woke me up. They seem more intense every time. This time, I was myself as a young child, hanging out with…

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Sunday, October 14, 2018

11:36 (AM)  Good morning  I misinterpreted the word Bewegungsartefakt, yesterday… Awkward…? I was celebrating too soon… 😔  I couldn’t keep still, because my skull moves, without me controlling this. I strive to find the scientific explanation of this, to debunk the guesswork explanation of “Must be stress,” from the people who have labeled me as someone I truly am not. The thing is, that what I want to prove, can’t be seen on an MRI. What I want to prove, is such a sensitive and controversial topic that I can’t say that that is the reason why I want myself…

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Saturday, October 13, 2018

12:47 (PM)  Heey ♥  What are your plans for this weekend?  I’ll be bed petting 😋   [woaaah this is the first time for me to succeed in including an emoji that isn’t a heart!!!! I had to find how to convert unicode to html, hehe]. I think, the “priority mail” I received from the radiology department of the health center I went to, states that I have a device in my head.  Finally, the final proof of schizophrenia being bullshit is in!! I only need to receive doctor Cuddle’s findings – regardless of what else he finds, my aorta heart…

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Friday, October 12, 2018

09:30 (AM)  My Cuddleeee 😀 ♥ Good morning!! ♥ ♥ How was your night?  Mine was pretty good. I went to sleep around 9 pm and had a lot of time to sleep. Somehow I’m still tired, so I’ll be napping until 11 am. That’s when I have to check out.  I’ll be back, after my nap <3. If anyone wonders why I don’t cry, but get slightly angry when I talk about the shit I’ve been going through in my life: it’s because if I were to start crying, and really let everything out, I would never be able…

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Thursday, October 11, 2018

09:49 (AM)  Good morning, my love <3 I just woke up in the freakiest way possible: When I opened my eyes, I looked mother right in the eye. She had that look in her eyes again that makes me feel like a failure and gives me cropped up anger, because she looks at me in that way. I actually wanted to scream and attack her, because I freaked out and “why the fuuuuuck does she look at me sleeping?????” But I managed to “mentally pull myself together” fast, and said, “Good morning,” in a fast and slightly formal sounding way. …

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