Excuse my absence today… I have been busy documenting a proposal for the property project, and have started off designing a theme for my soon to be renewed websites 🙂 .
The absolute very beginning of a different D.O.C.I.S. International website…
Since my books aren’t selling at all, I have no incentive to publish anything at the end of this month. I’ll have to change my methods around. So instead of releasing another book, I’m giving my web appearance a makeover. And I’ll be making a Fangs app…
How I’m going to provide myself with the proper income that will give me freedom to be who I am, I still don’t know. I’m literally absolutely clueless and hopeless, when it comes to that, so I’ll just spend my time continuing to shape my concept, hoping to come across someone I can partner up with.
Being single is starting to eat at me, too… The amount of time I spend by myself is crazy. But I’m picky… I’m addicted to kissing and without proper sex, the relationship won’t last, because I’m physically very needy… And it should be someone capable of comprehending the size and possibilities of my endeavor, with whom I can have a serious conversation. A type of person who buys flowers and talks easily, who makes me feel loved and is affectionate. Preferably someone extremely tall (for the best cuddling experience ever) 🙂 . Age doesn’t really matter, if there’s a connection. But this person I describe here, is extremely hard to find, I find…
Meoww I love talking about love. I’ll devote a separate post to that. Hopefully make it highlighted on my renewed blog 😀 .
I hope you’ll read the title of this diary post and think: “I experience the transition from a good mood to a bad mood, too, and could, by analyzing the way Fangs (indirectly) expresses this transition in her diary post, find better ways to prevent this from happening to me, in the future.” It’s one of the reasons why I share my feelings publicly.
Yesterday, I shared an impulsive draft with you, about the way I could shape my life, to still get some satisfaction from it, now that it seems like the path to a healthy D.O.C.I.S. International is far longer than could have been, now that the first layer of brain-to-brain communication has been denied.
I felt a distinct type of happiness when I got the idea, because it made me feel as if there’s a way out of the empty nest syndrome life that I’m attempting to escape. But it would make me become unregistered business partners with people who I absolutely cannot level with. In an attempt to negotiate, yesterday, multiple times, I have said: “Do not buy land that lies below sea level. It’s not a good long-term investment.” I don’t want my sister to inherit sea water. But I am not listened to.
I don’t want to be underpaid unregistered, to spend time and effort maintaining someone else’s real estate, while I seek for ways to become rich quicker, but then won’t be allowed to show the mountains I’m moving for these people. It also hurts so much, to still be deprived from investors, and to then have my “caretakers” prefer to buy worthless land instead of support me.
The problem is that I really need the money… It is even said that I may live in one of the properties, for a symbolic price of rent, if I become able to afford it. But I want to move from the bedroom in my parents’ house, to any countryside house abroad, at once. I desperately want to get out of this country, but I don’t want to lose the (slight) comfort I’m used to, so I need to have a lot of capital, before I leave.
About last Friday, I have spoken an incredibly small amount of words. I thought I would have been saying very different things about it. I thought that it could have caused a Volta. But instead, my life is exactly the same as it was, before the conversation took place, aside from now being even further away from finding an explanation for the movement of my skull.
These two years, in which people have been telling me “That I need help”, I have said that I would seek help if dr. Crutzen delivers a negative statement. Most of the people saying that I need this, don’t even believe that I’ve ever spoken to him in private (including the “experts” who diagnosed me as someone who’s psychotic).
I only said that I was going to seek help if he denies our brain-to-brain communication, because, truthfully, I never want to be helped with anything, and I didn’t expect him to actually deny it. But his denial doesn’t change the fact that I absolutely fucking hate small talk and other superficial things, and, therefore, prefer to stay alone in my room for all eternity, chilling with this hope giving voice in my head, than “to get back out there”. I don’t want to attempt to reconnect with the people I used to spend a lot of time with, because even long before this awful case came into existence, I knew that my heart is not safe with those people. And the way they have treated me after that case became reality, confirms that.
Not even to begin with the way in which I, in person, stay polite to my mother, because she supports me the most, financially, but I’m so starting to lose my patience with the way she treats me as if I’m mentally disabled. “Zit maar niet zo veel te typen op je telefoon, met dat hoofd van je.” Every time I hear a statement like that – plenty of times a day – I need to suppress my initial reaction. I can’t stand it when people see me as less than I am, and because of that, internally, I feel the need to “make that awful sound stop”, by physically attacking her, by means of making clear that you really should not fucking talk to me like that. But that would get me a life long prison sentence, for sure, because I’ve had to endure this for so fucking long already.
I’m not allowed to speak of the long postponed real estate deal of my parents, “on those websites of mine, because we don’t know how many people look at it”. I might lose my last shot at an income to work for, but I refuse to add another layer to this being a pushover. I don’t give a fuck if the entire world knows that they are frauds. Just do it legally??? And fucking listen to my advice? I can’t level with them anyway. Wanting to spend all eternity in this swamp… I don’t fucking get it…
To me, currently, life is “Get rich and emigrate, or commit suicide”, within a week. I know that the rope of my bathrobe is strong enough to hang myself with in the staircase here. Talking to anyone about it, who will then say “But you have so much to offer and life is so great. Really do not kill yourself. You should just get back out there.” I feel as though I have mentally aged too far. I can’t get back out there, because all I live for is to change what is “out there”. All I can talk of, and enjoy what I’m speaking of, when you meet me in person, is this:
And what I’m trying to do (with Project Nosce Te Ipsum) is attempting to find people to fill up these spots with. This image is part of the Alliance Agreement I wanted to throw in the trash, Friday, now that my brain-to-brain communication turns out not to be real.
How can I summon someone from abroad to my house to save me from empty nest syndrome, because there seriously is no other way for me to experience happiness in life, and I’m starting to lose my patience?
Also, on Friday, I just couldn’t start the “Are you my father?” conversation, because I would indirectly be saying: “So you two had sex?”, wanting to know the when, why and where, while I really find that if that is true, my mother should tell me that, because I deserve to know my identity. After hearing “No” about the brain-to-brain communication, I felt that that was enough painful “no’s” for the day. Maybe even enough for the rest of my life.
I still can’t believe that the brain-to-brain communication is not real. I also felt like saying things like “I thought your eyes were more turquoise/blue-ish,” “I thought you were taller” “Are you a Doppelganger?” But I had my max of no’s and sounding crazy.
I often expose things on here and would appreciate it if I were involved in the big debate that is derived from that, so that I could speed up my process of introducing the world to my regime.
Look at this demon, by the way, holding an empty speech attacking his colleague, and fucking reading that from a piece of paper, instead of speaking from the heart:
The Dutch democratic system is a joke. There are too many different people in the Chamber, which is why those at the top can waste their time with little nonsensical cat fights like this.
I should be developing my themes and renewed websites, but, in advance, I know the returns I’ll get (maybe a slight increase in visitors, but still no money or engagement), is not really worth it. I’ll still do it, though, because I spend far too much time in bed, hoping that tomorrow will bring me a miracle. That one day, supporters of mine will ambush me at home, taking me and my belongings anywhere, to rule the world from the shadows and really give my life some meaning…
I just typed 1386 words on my phone, in about two hours, haha…
I’m veryyy curious about the outcome of the coming elections, which is basically the only reason why I haven’t hung myself yet. I’m hoping that the world will resort to the D.O.C.I.S., after Chaos unravels…
Also, the extent to which I don’t have money to do something this Summer, pains my chest. If I’d have some right now, I could work on the Planet Fang building project, travel and write about international experiences (plus make pretty pictures 🙂 ), not having to write every line of code for my renewed websites and the app myself… Reality is a painful experience to me.
Aside from expressing myself on here, having the feeling that someone listens to me and understands and relates to the way I feel, I’ll now get to the other highlight of the day, which is laying in bed all night, still feeling the mental embrace of brain-to-brain communication. Unfortunately I cry a lot, when I’m alone (because then I don’t have to explain why). I wonder if it will naturally come to an end, or if I’ll have to end it myself.
Meoww I hope you see something in me and that, if you experience emotions similar to mine, they will vanish without any complications or drastic measures.
I can’t sleep. I need cuddles 🙁 . My heart hurts more than ever…
If I’d get a euro for every time someone tells me I need help, I would seriously not need help, because money is my only problem, causing me to have to spend time with people I can’t level with, because I can’t afford to stay away from them, instead of having them make me feel depressed for not being understood.
But yesterday’s “get help” was different. My B turns out not to be my B, he told me :(. Two years of pleading and then this… People have broken the law with me and experimented with several types of antipsychotics on me, et cetera, because of my brain-to-brain communication experience, while my receiver has never been involved in the process. Until he was involved today. His denial has weakened my case so much, it is, however, pointless to reopen my cold case 🙁 .
What is the point of this entire blog now 🙁 . I’m considering – since the alliance agreement was not signed either – to take everything I’ve published this far, off of it, make my own extremely plain HTML/CSS theme and run this blog without a CMS, and have https://docis.international redirect to that self-made and plain website… Or just have some blank page with a bit of text on there…
I need something to occupy myself with, so I’ll be “coding”, as I contemplate death, or joining the army (special forces or infantry officer)… Or contacting the job recruitment bureau specialized in people with a high IQ… (But that probably means small talk with colleagues in the near future and I really don’t like small talk…)
Earlier this night
Pictures of the HB(P) executive event have been sent to me in the meantime 🙂
I’ll let you my decision now that my experience of brain-to-brain communication really turns out to be schizophrenia (unless either my mother has bribed him, or there are other reasons for denial), of what I’ll do with my life now… It would have been so much easier to cause the system’s Volta, if my brain-to-brain communication were real… Without that communication possibility, I don’t even want to do it anymore 🙁 .
I should unsubscribe D.O.C.I.S. International from the Chamber of Commerce and request welfare, but that means that I’ll have to start solliciting as well, which makes me contemplate death x_x. That’s how I ended up considering to join the ministry of defence its Special Ops…
Meoww I’m going to “atten” a bottle of water and go to sleep.
Good night ♥
– xxx –
16:27 (04:27 PM)
Good afternoon 🙂 ♥
I have made my decisions. It has become easier now that I’ve informally received a job offer 🙂 . I’ve however not received permission to publicize any details of what has been offered, yet. I’ll have to negotiate to gain that permission.
All I can say is that it – if this goes through – will be a great step towards my dreams of being able to live off passive income only, so that I have plenty of time to develop the D.O.C.I.S., which could then become my active income 🙂 .
And I could earn enough with it, to be able to continue my studies at The Open University, and start buying and selling art and other valuables 😀 . And, if all goes well, I can show you that entire journey and hopefully become the asset to your life I want to be 😀 . To attempt to boost that process, I have made the following decisions:
I will give my websites make-overs, making the D.O.C.I.S. International’s site, aside from the bookstore I will make for it (selling classics, too 🙂 ) [and later include art etc. in that], will become fully self-coded, independent from WordPress. For LilFangs.com, I’ll make my own theme. Carrie has been an amazing theme, though, but it’s time for change 🙂 .
Creating an app for the new D.O.C.I.S. International. That will take a while, though. But I’ll show you every step of the way 🙂 .
What content of mine is findable where, will be changed to something more overseeable. Plus, the overviews of content will not be excerpts but just be the full content, for a smoother reading experience.
I will change the sbi codes my business is registered for, giving me better possibilities to build a diverse portfolio.
Possibly continuing at The Open University (I really hope…).
I’ll get back to the drawing board and record the process of how I change my concept around 🙂 . To make my own WordPress theme, I’m watching this video:
For app development, I’m starting off with this video:
I’ll be having some quality time alone with my thoughts, not expressing my feelings on public media, until it’s time for our Volta. If all goes well, that takes place about a week from now. (I wish I could tell you exactly when…)
In the meantime, if you want to, you can reach me via e-mail (d.elia@docis.international), which I’ll check via my laptop every now and then. My phone will be switched off, or, when I feel like listening to music when I’m outside or when I’m in the shower, in airplane mode.
You could also become my Nintendo Switch friend, with this code: SW-6792-0842-3312 🙂 .
From our Volta onwards, you’ll see my divine side only 🙂 . I can’t wait !!!
Wat mijn blog content betreft val ik ontzettend in herhaling. Minstens tot en met mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen, zal ik daarom offline zijn. Wel zal ik af en toe mijn e-mail checken, dus als je me wil bereiken, kan dat via d.elia@docis.international.
Ik werd zo geconsumeerd door het schrijven om mijn concept en identiteit te definiëren, dat ik vergat dat alles online eigenlijk waardeloos is.
Ik hoop dat de technologie zich zodanig verder zal ontwikkelen, dat het concept van de online persoonlijkheid zal verdwijnen, en het leven zelf een uiterst bovennatuurlijke ervaring wordt. Daar zet ik me voor in.
En voor Cuddles 😀 . Because I love youuu ♥
Ik wil mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen sowieso op camera vastleggen. Hopelijk zien jullie vanaf dan (of misschien zelfs eerder al) mijn ware, (monocratische, maar open voor goed advies) gezicht.
Tot snel, mijn lief ♥
– – – – 06/05/’19
De Rest van de Strategie
Het filmpje hierboven is belangrijke uitleg. Verder is, zoals de afgelopen twee jaar, mijn strategie wachten tot ik dr. Crutzen na die ontzettend lange tijd eindelijk mag zien en we verder kunnen praten over hoe we het Stratagem eindelijk in de praktijk kunnen brengen, featuring other Graeynissis 😀 .
Morgen ga ik een nieuw filmpje in het Nederlands maken, tenzij mijn bevrijding vervroegd wordt (is wat ik iedere dag hoop, meer dan de afgelopen twee jaar).
Youtube & korte filmpjes
Mijn publiceren is op dit moment lekker all over the place en hier zijn dus nog wat meer filmpjes die nog niet in dit “artikel” stonden, in semi-publicatievolgorde:
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 1, 2019
I’m forever practicing that Beethoven “sentence”, so that I can play that when I win, while saying “MUHAHAHAHAAAA”, but meowww I’m still working on my speed and that doesn’t go as steady every time, so then I provise… #Fangyismpic.twitter.com/BmtWUAYvSd
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 1, 2019
I’m forever practicing that Beethoven “sentence”, so that I can play that when I win, while saying “MUHAHAHAHAAAA”, but meowww I’m still working on my speed and that doesn’t go as steady every time, so then I provise… #Fangyismpic.twitter.com/BmtWUAYvSd
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 1, 2019
You can follow my process of “innovating” my websites today, by keeping an eye on my Twitter page (or my Instagram story, but Twitter is more elaborate). Turn on my notifications, please :). #Fangyism#FangyFactspic.twitter.com/J1heyoELtu
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 2, 2019
Ik ga nu mijn powerpoint voor mijn praten over de link tussen Fangyisme en D.O.C.I.S. International afmaken, dat filmen en koken. Of mijn filmpje voor of na het eten af is weet ik nog niet… xxx
– – – – 01/05/’19
Instagram
Normaal gesproken deel ik in mijn dagboek dat ik aan het koken ben. Vandaag deed ik dat op Instagram 🙂 . (Beetje beschamend, want het kan natuurlijk niet op tegen al die gelikte kookvideos die je overal kan zien.)
Mid-eating
Ik heb ook een filmpje gedeeld van toen ik piano aan het spelen was & toen ik in de sportschool was.
Mijn hoeveelheid volgers, likes, views et cetera is echt zwaar deprimerend.
– – – – 29/04/’19
Praten tegen een muur
Zo voelt dit. Dit is niet het eind resultaat van mijn werk. Maar dat wist je natuurlijk al, omdat je alles al gelezen hebt :). [Dat was mijn depressie gecombineerd met PTSS die zich uitte in deze sarcastische opmerking die is veroorzaakt door het treurige feit dat iemand die nu pas begint met kijken waar dit allemaal eigenlijk over gaat, zo veel in te halen heeft dat de manier waarop er op deze strategie geanticipeerd zou moeten worden, voor diegene niet 1 2 3 duidelijk is.]
– – – 25/04/’19
Ik wil echt godverdomme uit huis
Het is weer “business as usual”. Het probleem is dat ik dit leven achter me wil laten – inclusief de mensen – maar ik hiervoor het kapitaal niet heb. Ik ga hoe dan ook vandaag weg. Ook al slaap ik weer minstens 3 dagen buiten, net als in 2017. Ik ben zooo klaar met deze man. Echt. Hier eerst een voorproefje.
Intussen doe ik wat web en social media onderhoud. Ik ben onder andere bezig met het instellen van Push Notificaties, zodat ik binnenkort geen gebruik meer hoef te maken van andere social media. Heb jij het notificatieverzoek al gekregen?
– – – – 23/04/’19
Ik ben moe
Na meer dan een jaar lang continu een lange en diverse reeks aan boeken en blog posts schrijven – die niemand leest – voelen mijn hersenen aan alsof ze het ieder moment kunnen begeven. Ik ben daardoor ook te vermoeid – en pici teleurgesteld – om te denken aan een nieuwe low-budget (door de diversiteit, mijn ongeschooldheid en mijn lage inkomen kan ik geen aanspraak maken op kapitaal) manier om mijn concept te innoveren, omdat dat me weer veel tijd en hersencapaciteit gaat kosten. Daarnaast vind ik dat mijn andere publicaties nog niet genoeg aandacht hebben gekregen voor iets nieuws.
Dus dit artikel zal steeds bovenaan blijven staan, omdat ik de datum zal blijven updaten naar de datum waarop ik een stuk tekst toevoeg 🙂 . Intussen wacht ik ook op de heropening van mijn Cold Case (over mijn vermissing, over de onterechte imagoschade en privacyschending, over de criminele manier waarop de politie me heeft behandeld, over de onterechte diagnose schizofrenie en de hartverscheurende gevolgen daarvan, de manier waarop ik mijn hele leven al financieel aan de grond gehouden word, et cetera), die als het goed is mid-mei plaatsvindt. (Maar intussen heb ik nog steeds geen vast inkomen 🙁 . Ik kan pas echt goed werken wanneer mijn naam gezuiverd is en niet meer als schizofreen word gestigmatiseerd.)
Sinds de publicatie van dit artikel (de 21ste van de maand April), ben ik zeer actief geweest op Twitter, voor promotie. Ik kon het ook niet laten om me gelijk met allerlei politieke discussies te bemoeien.
Voor het behouden van een uitlaatklep, terwijl ik mijn hersenen wat rust geef en wacht tot mijn publicaties hun welverdiende aandacht hebben gehad (GRRRRR OP MINSTENS DE ZELFDE SCHAAL ALS DIE LEUGEN VAN EEN VERMISSINGSCAMPAGNE), zal ik daar nu wat actiever op zijn.
Het is ook een wat toegankelijkere manier van corresponderen, voor mensen die eerst nog wat meer willen zien voordat ze mijn blog bezoeken.
Solliciteren = huilen
Als ik een euro zou krijgen voor elke keer dat een bedrijf/recruiter/whatever me een, “Probeer het maar ergens anders,” bericht heeft gestuurd, zou ik inmiddels met pensioen kunnen.
En dat terwijl ik eigenlijk absoluut niet in loondienst wil gaan werken. Ik wil graag een baan die bij mijn intelligentie past, maar de meeste banen voor mijn leeftijd en opleidingsniveau, vallen zwaar onder dat niveau.
Het allerliefst zou ik voor vele bedrijven en individuen als een inhuurbare propagandist werken. Met kortetermijncontracten. Maar daarvoor heb ik een netwerk en aanbevelingen nodig, en die heb ik beiden niet 🙁 .
Zoekwoordsuggesties
Indien je/u meer achtergrondinformatie over dit blog wil, raad ik de volgende zoektermen aan: (Door die termen te zoeken, door op de loep rechtsbovenaan het scherm te klikken, vind u/je namelijk een aantal typische Lil Fangs blogberichten.)
Schizophrenia / psychotic / psychosis / psychotisch / schizofrenie (= dat ongevraagde wat ik probeer aan te vechten, want ik ben het niet met dat stigma eens)
Missing
Justice
Police
Nosce Te Ipsum
D.O.C.I.S. International
The Head Cuddle / brain-to-brain communication (is hetzelfde, maar The Head Cuddle is mijn zelfverzonnen dialect voor het device)
Sea level / water level / zeespiegel
My B
– – – 21/04/’19
Ba-dum-tsss
Het grappigste van deze hele website is dat ik mezelf steeds uitdruk in het Engels, terwijl dat mijn eerste taal helemaal niet is. Ik vind gewoon dat de politieke verwevenheid van Nederland in alle andere landen ter wereld gewoon een keer goed onder de loep genomen moet worden (want hier is veeeeel meer aan de hand), en dat we dat moeten gebruiken als het begin van de nu zeer hoog nodige internationale hervorming (een voorbeeld van een internationale connectie is het Nederlands belastingsysteem dat als een mafiabaas is die altijd “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY!?” schreeuwt, zodra je hier een cent verdiend hebt of hier geboren bent, en dat dat echt anders moet [het noemt zichzelf een belastingparadijs (Google het maar: “Nederland belastingparadijs”), maar dat is geen waarheid, maar valse marketing en PR], want dat geld wordt niet goed besteed), en daarvoor wil ik mezelf als uitgangspunt gebruiken, gezien mijn extreem diverse lijst van talenten, aspiraties, gewoontes en wettelijke wensen. Het Engels is een een stuk toegankelijkere taal. (Het wordt meer gesproken, wereldwijd onderwezen en cursussen zijn heeeeel makkelijk te vinden, ongeacht waar je woont. Maar gelukkig kan er ook online vertaald worden – gezien deze post in het Nederlands is – hoewel dat niet altijd even accuraat is.)
Dit is stiekem wel een heel interessant verhaal
Daarnaast zullen veel verschillende mensen zich kunnen herkennen in mijn verhaal. Dat ik bijvoorbeeld zwart ben, maar de Nederlandse nationaliteit mijn enige nationaliteit is, is een lang verhaal dat begint met slavernij, wat ik met vele andere kleurlingen [denk bijvoorbeeld aan African-Americans (die niet weten waar hun voorouders precies vandaan komen 🙁 ) en Nederland dat (slavenkolonie) Nieuw Amsterdam ( = New York)aan de Britten overgaf, in ruil voor Suriname] gemeen heb. Er zijn misschien zelfs meer Surinamers uit Suriname in Nederland, dan er Surinamers in Suriname zijn. Het is niet echt te tellen, want eens was Suriname onderdeel van het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden (tot 1975). En mijn geboorteplaats is Rotterdam. Ik ben, van mijn familie, de derde generatie in Nederland.
“Ojo Lil Fangs is altijd vet onduidelijk waar gaat het nou eigenlijk over ze legt het niet eens uit bla bla bla”
Ik heb deze post gemaakt omdat ik in de stemming ben om mijn gedachten zo puur mogelijk te delen, en die betrekking hebben op zo veel verschillende onderwerpen, dat ik het maar op deze manier ga aanpakken. Ik denk dat het een fijnere gebruikerservaring is, wanneer je niet naar een volgend artikel hoeft door te klikken voor de volgende dag. Vandaar dat het nu één artikel wordt voor alle levensfilosofie en random gedachten, zolang ik nog in deze beroerde situatie leef. Met mijn eigen verdere bezigheden zal ik u wekelijks updaten 🙂 . Ik voeg alles aan deze post toe, tot ik eindelijk gehoor heb gekregen wat betreft mijn cold case. Ik ben geen schizofreen en had die diagnose NOOOOOOOOOOOIT mogen krijgen. (Dat verhaal komt in vrijwel iedere persoonlijke post voor [voorbeeldje] en ik houd er eigenlijk echt niet van om mezelf meer dan twee keer te herhalen omdat mensen de moeite niet willen nemen om te lezen wat ik nog meer heb geschreven. (Zo erg dat ik er pittig fel van kan worden.))
Een beetje respect zou ik wel fijn vinden
Ik wil echt veel liever met “u” aangesproken worden, trouwens. Vooral omdat mensen echt fuuuuucking respectloos zijn tegen mij, en ze dan alsnog fucking respect van mij verwachten!? Ik wil dan dat het de gewoonte wordt om me met “u” aan te spreken, omdat ik in mijn verbale communicatie altijd mijn best doe om lief en respectvol voor iemand te zijn. Plus, ik wil graag wat meer respect voor mijn intelligentie. Vooral van mensen die echt fucking dom én respectloos zijn. Ik doe dit namelijk ook voor hen.
Waarom nog meer Nederland als startpunt?
Publieke stock trading begon met de Nederlandse piraterij en slavernij. De VOC en later ook de WIC. (Voel je vrij om de feiten te controleren door je eigen onderzoek te doen, in case you do not believe me.) Vandaag de dag zijn vele mensenlevens verweven in de aandelenmarkt. (Niet de mijne, in de zin van zelf geen aandelen bezitten. Maar in mijn omgeving hebben ONTZETTENDDDD veel mensen aandelen. En volgens mij zijn de Nederlandse pensioenfondsen nu afhankelijk van bitcoins en wapenhandel. (Dat men überhaupt nog steeds denkt dat een pensioenfonds de verdere vergrijzing aan zal kunnen…… Het is echt tijd voor hervorming.)) Ik heb de correlatie tussen de aandelenmarkt en uitstoot al een aantal keren uitgelegd. En waarom de waarde van geld gebaseerd zou moeten worden op wat er op dit moment in de natuur beschikbaar is ( = niet zo veel). We moeten het gesprek dat werkelijk gevoerd moet worden – dat gesprek waarvoor velen wegdeinzen [haha I see you 🙂 ] – ECHTTTTT NIET langer uit de weg gaan.
Gemeenheid is onderdeel van de Nederlandse cultuur, en dit verspreidt zich over andere culturen, als een soort epidemie. Niet alleen door het piraten- en slavernijverleden (die als “heldendaden” worden gezien). Een ander voorbeeld is dat vele Nederlanders een gesprek beginnen door middel van een belediging.
Gisteren, bijvoorbeeld, toen ik door de supermarkt liep met een trench coat aan, terwijl de rest van de mensen in t-shirts en korte jurkjes enzo rond liep, en ik een verre kennis tegen het lijf liep, was het eerste wat hij tegen me zei, nadat ik hem begroet had met “Hallo” en hem later weer tegen het lijf liep in een ander deel van de winkel, “Je ziet er uit alsof het winter is,” zei. En als ik dan “Hou je bek gewoon als je niks te zeggen hebt, want dit is toch geen manier om een fucking gesprek te starten,” zeg, dan ben ik weer fout. Daarom zei ik: “Het weer kan zomaar omslaan. Ik ben graag voorbereid.” The truth is: gister was het niet zo warm en ik kom de afgelopen twee jaar niet zo vaak buiten, dus de trench coat was een impulsieve keuze, en ik vind een luchtige trench coat aan doen met 23 graden echt niet zo winters. Met die opmerking zeg je indirect dat iemand zich niet normaal gedraagt. Op die manier vind ik het een woordenwisseling die helemaal niet plaats had hoeven vinden. Ik voel me namelijk al kut genoeg zonder die kutopmerking. Voor de gemiddelde Nederlander is een gesprek als in dat voorbeeld normaal. Ik hoop dat ik niet de enige ben die daar een ontzettende bloedhekel aan heeft.
En dan nog niet eens te beginnen over zwarte piet en hoe vaak ik daar niet mee vergeleken ben in mijn jeugd. Fucking walgelijk en barbaars. En de haat die er wordt verspreid door Nederlandse nieuwsmedia en BNners.
Ik vind dat de mensen die niet respectvol met elkaar kunnen omgaan, van elkaar gescheiden moeten worden. Zo kunnen alleen de mensen die met elkaar overweg kunnen, met elkaar samen leven, en is de wereld een een stuk vreedzamere plek. De mensen die ruzie zoeken met alles en iedereen moeten echt verrrrr uit mijn buurt blijven 🙂 . (Dat is maar 1/1000 van mijn hele idee voor maatschappijhervorming.)
Vrolijk Pasen!
Vrolijk Pasen! 🙂
Ik snap niet waarom een moeder besluit om uitgerekend op Eerste Paasdag met één dochter (en haar vriendje) + kennissen naar Spanje te vertrekken (ik zei eerder Portugal, maar het is dus Spanje), en ik nu alleen zal zijn met mijn “vader” en twee oma’s, die niet eens zijn uitgenodigd voor het restaurant diner van vanavond. Een diner samen met andere mensen die “waarschijnlijk” niet eens mijn biologische familie zijn. Snapt iemand anders dit?
Uit solidariteit heb ik wat boodschappen gedaan om morgen een brunch voor te bereiden voor mijn oma’s (alleen dat is “oma” en oma, als mijn “vader” mijn vader niet blijkt te zijn, na een DNA test, die nog steeds uitgevoerd moet worden) en “vader”, morgen.
Eerlijkgezegd zou ik liever bij Benoît of een andere Graeyniss aansluiten vandaag. En morgen. En voor altijd. Cishe :D.
Waarom ik niet mee ben gegaan naar Spanje? Omdat je daar geen kant op kan [ze gaan naar een vakantiehuis (van twee huisjes/huizen) op een heel afgelegen plek], en het vermaak dan aankomt op gesprekskwaliteit, en dan wordt het Suriname all over again ( = net zoals die vakanties daarheen), en dat houd ik niet langer vol dan een paar minuten. Ik word ontzettend snel geïrriteerd wanneer ik een gesprek te oppervlakkig vind, maar probeer dan tegelijkertijd nog beleefd te blijven, en na verloop van tijd gaat dat gewoon mis.
Hier kan ik eindeloos workaholic zijn, naar de sportschool gaan en Graeynissis stalken, en wordt er geen gezelligheid van me verwacht. En een baan zoeken haha meoww I hope I may hug this Vicje :D.
Ik heb weliswaar, gezien ik ook de webdeveloper ben van zowel LilFangs.com en Docis.International, voor mezelf, in verband met veiligheidsredenen, een administrator en een editors account aangemaakt, in plaats van alleen een administrators account te gebruiken, maar ik post de laatste tijd blog berichten vanaf beide accounts, dus vandaar dat het kan lijken alsof er meerdere auteurs op dit blog zijn.
Ik ben geen fucking fraudeur en iedereen die dat over mij durft te denken, mag sterven van mij. Waarom tf zou je een hele persoonlijke websites maken met de meest gedetailleerde persoonlijke ervaringen, op de meest hoge frequentie in de geschiedenis van de mensheid, maar dat dan niet eens zelf schrijven? Dat klinkt echt fucking dom.
Gekozen omdat ik me (alleen) op LilFangs.com als een vis in het water voel, en omdat Benoît me in brain-to-brain communication pesce noemt en ik hem visje 😀 .
I’m so glad that my days of cold casing are finally coming to an end. When my life changes around to what it should have been from the start, I don’t have to spend time doing things that should have been outsourced from the start.
I look forward to the moment I change my number and am only available to those I’ll spend eternity doing business with. To move to a country with living space, finally bring out the professional looking material I wanted to have been creating from the start, be acknowledged for the person who I am, and so on, are other approaching reasons for happiness.
From today onwards, I’ll be getting myself in the mood in advance, by severely cutting down on my internet usage. I’ll be (almost) internetless, the way things were when I was put under surveillance, two years ago. (I then voluntarily stopped texting etc., which was misinterpreted as a symptom as a mental illness (those who have drawn that conclusion are really dumb).)
Don’t worry about me vanishing on you! I’ll just finally have someone professional filming me, instead of having to film myself, for example. I’ll have more time to focus on my leadership strategies, the way I want to 😀 . So my current silence and absence only mean that the best is definitely yet to come 🙂 . (As in what has currently been published is nothing yet.)
This is a very turbulent time. The world is already changing a lot, very quickly. The shift in my life, will speed up that process, because it includes a shift of who I am as a legal entity.
I think I’ll spend the last days of my isolation recording my thoughts on how my strategies have turned out this far.
Yesterday, I mentioned that I wanted to create a strategy to incentivize Graeynissis to become part of my business. I think that it’s better to not chase at all. Because they already know what’s up anyway. It’s better if you start selling to me now.
I need to safeguard my business from people who don’t live according to its cause of living to make a serious positive change. So I can’t approach a Graeyniss before a Graeyniss has said that he/she is my Graeyniss… Get it? 😀
So yess I’m going to get up now and record my reflection. While speaking louder than before… Maybe screaming some… I’m going to record it in my bed, I decided. Don’t know what to wear yet (not that I have options…).
I wish I didn’t feel too mentally aggressive to apply for jobs and continue my journey of networking with humans, hoping to find one competent enough to become part of my organization. It seems like my mother, in my current perception of life, is the only person who will be able to keep up and cope with the changes…
~~~ 15:00 (03:00 PM)
People have wiped my memory, practiced (modern) shock therapy and extortion on me, put me in cells, forced antipsychotics, tried to convince me of many lies, and so on. You can never break me, no matter how hard you try. I will never give up on my mission. #FangyFacts#Fangyism
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 5, 2019
I really must say that the trust issues I have because of this are the reason why my entire concept is so very cryptic. Another reason why it’s cryptic, is because easy is boring and I’m trying to raise the bar 🙂 .
Click on the image to see a little update of pictures 🙂
The featured image, I made in Surinam last year. There are still a lottttt of pictures I haven’t sorted out yet, from when I was there. Also from Paris etc… And a lotttttt of videos….
Meow I’d rather make new ones, though… Let’s make pictures together? 😀
Also this meoww:
Some replies to your tweets are so pathetically sad with such weak argumentation, solely incentivized by bad propaganda, that I can’t even imagine how you must feel underneath your professional appearance. #Fangyism
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 5, 2019
Aiight I’m going to get out of bed and get ready to record myself narrating myself again 🙂 .
21:23 (09:23 PM)
I’m too broke meoww 🙁
Meoww I’m going to film myself reflecting on my stratagem now, using a little PowerPoint presentation… I ended up spending all day cooking and cleaning, so that’s why the delay…
I’ll be showing you how I update my websites today, (semi-)live!
Like around last year’s Christmas, I’m going to attempt to excite people to act upon my online fundraiser. This time I’m attempting the more populist approach, though that is a little against my principles. I just want my business to finally thrive…
You can follow my process of “innovating” my websites today, by keeping an eye on my Twitter page (or my Instagram story, but Twitter is more elaborate). Turn on my notifications, please . #Fangyism#FangyFactspic.twitter.com/J1heyoELtu
— Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) (@LilFangs_) May 2, 2019
Ik begin inmiddels mijn limiet te bereiken wat betreft gratis content. Zo ontzettend veel mensen kijken toe hoe ik lijd, en doen dat nog eens gratis ook. Ik denk dat het het meest bevredigend zal zijn als al mijn content van het een op het andere moment van hen afgezonderd wordt. Daarbij krijgen ze ook geen toegang tot het bestuur van mijn organisatie.
En mijn boek moet echt van Bol.com afgehaald worden en ik heb recht op 100% van de omzet die er is gemaakt met de verkoop van mijn boek. Ik weet nog steeds niet wie dit heeft gedaan, maar ik vind het echt ontzettend jammer dat dit achter mijn rug om is gegaan.
Ik heb geen zin in vandaag. Net zoals ik geen zin had in gisteren en de dag daarvoor. Het enige wat ik wil – zoals ik dat al meer dan 2 jaar lang aangeef – is een heropening van de cold case van Benoît Crutzen en ik, en dat ik de rest van mijn leven met hem als mijn familie mag doorbrengen.
Meow 🙁 .
~~~
01:01 (AM)
I’m not giving my supporters enough attention 🙁 . My bloodlust is blinding me…
Of course, my supporters will be treated like kings and queens, while the world will be saved from those who have turned it into hell. Really 🙂 .
I know I’m not allowed to say that I’m a Prophet, or even more than that, but who else can truly be that? And say that gender doesn’t matter… No one else can do what I do, the way I do it. But people have been trying. Everyone deserves their time to shine. Now it’s my time! We really need international reform…
And I really need my B 🙁 ♥. My heart has been in pain, because of his absence, for so long :(. They have been keeping him away from me for too long. He was my only true friend, when I needed one 🙁 . And I really need the assistance of grey haired white men, to be able to change the world and be heard…
Digitally earned money is not real money. It disrupts our system and therefore digital fraud is best solved with the death penalty. #FangyFacts #Fangyism
With that, I do not mean kill everyone. It’s a statement about the balance between the amount of resources available, your earnings and what nature receives in return.
~~~
01:42 (AM)
#Fangyism
~~~
16:22 (04:22 PM)
So last night, I wanted to share a poll and ended up making a spontaneous group chat, with people I have never seen in real life (yet).
I’m doing my book keeping at the same time. I’m almost done with the first quarter :).
Please, my Graeyniss: make a Twitter account 🙂 .
But you can still tune in whenever you want, of course :).
I’m just waiting until people who have an opinion about me, finally realize that my content actually has meaning, and that my haters are digging their own grave.
There are visitors at home, so I’ll be locking myself up at the top floor all day. It’s better than listening to the same anecdotes and being insulted for no reason :).
Omg meooow I soo hopeee that my B, my Vicje, Sander, Lorenzo and the Graeynissis I saw at the HBP Executive Event, will participate in my interactive lecture, too! And spice up my timeline :D.
~~~
18:31 (06:31 PM)
Are there maybe some people who have been keeping up with my content, who would like to be my lecturing assistants? 🙂
16:29 (04:29 PM)Hii ♥Here are some pictures I took last night:[I decided to go with instant noodles instead of rice at the last moment]Need to clean kitchen
Is not allowed to smoke weed at home
I really use Twitter most often 🙂
#fangyismIs a word that was not used on the web very often. Making up words is the improvisation you do when you want to make yourself heard and the other words have not been used yet.Unfortunately 🙁
🙁
I can’t wait until my days of blogging are over and I can finally rule the world with my Graeynissis 🙂 .It’s Kingsday today and I have plans of staying at home. I mean I love to dance, but not in between extremely drunk and aggressive barbarians, and my pockets are flat.Please hire me. The contract I’ll give you when you do this, will make us confederates :)♥ ~~~16:38 (04:38 PM) I’ll definitely receive a rant about the way I express myself, when my mother comes home from Spain. It’s what happens every time I say something “radical”.I do not regret any of the words I have used in any way. They all come straight from the heart. Those who don’t accept them, should permanently break contact with me.Meanwhile I’m destroying marketing algorithms, because all of this routinous superficial shit reallyyy needs to end. People deserve to know the truth.#Fangyism~~~18:22 (06:22 PM) OKAY. I do not know WHO THE FUUUUUUUCK put my book on Bol.com, but it was NOT ME !!!!I only sell at fully interntionally oriented retailers !WHO THE FUUUUUUCK IS EARNING FROM THIS ?!!?!!!?!THAT PERSON MAY DIE. I HAVE WORKED WAY TOOOOOO FUCKING HARD FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW !!!! LOOK AT HOW THE COPYRIGHT TEXT SAYS “DO NOT RESELL” . THAT FUCKING IGNORANT BASTARD !!!! (I bet it’s multiple people.)~~~~
It seems like I’m finally starting to get my message across! My stubbornity aside: there really are no other ways to accomplish this, which don’t include using social media as a tool.
Now every visitor reads 4 pages on an average visit
My results this far are great. (Especially because I spent €0 on it!) But people need to read more of my content for it to really work the way it should.
Meoww I’m continuing in this way – writing seperate posts again – because I want to adapt myself to all of my audience. In English!
Maar soms wil ik ook wel even dit kunnen doen, omdat dat sneller is voor mij en ik niet helemaal hoef te vertalen en er ook minder vaak een woordenboek en thesaurus bij moet pakken enzooo…
~~~
14:12 (02:12 PM)
Meooow I have so many things I want to share with you now! But also so many tasks I should be spending my time on right now…
I want to tell you about what my social media strategy was and how it played out, and about the “beef” I put on YouTube, and about everything else I have in store for us!
But first, I’ll need to get out of my sister’s bed (to which I resorted after there was a spider in my room) and brush my teeth and eat something. You should know that I skipped dinner yesterday, because I do not at all want to accept the food and funding of people who don’t respect me, anymore. So I’ll be back in about an hour! xxxxx
~~~ 14:51 (02:51 PM)
(Still in bed…)
Now that I’m promoting myself on social media, this is going a little better as well: [indirect reference to my last daily Cold Case diary post]
Back linking relates to findability in search engines. I already do my own SEO so I don’t want to be paying for the improvement of this…
WordPress its mobile app [I recommend you to download, to at least read my posts on, if you’re not into writing yourself 🙂 ] its JetPack plugin, is giving me parse errors (it’s already why I stopped using emojis in my posts, but now I can’t even upload plain text from it anymore). I’m now uploading this from my mobile browser lol.
Because I’m now typing in HTML, I can use emojis again! 😀 That’s important for when talking about you Graeynissis (in HTML, 😻 that is 😻 [using unicode]).
When I use a phrase or word you don’t understand: searching it in the search bar will lead you to other articles, so the context will specify it 🙂 .
I have to be in front of my webcam at 05:45 PM, so I reallyyy need to get up now (I’m too much pretending to be happy to get out of bed), but look at this gem:
😀
I would so love to meet you all 🙂 #Fangyism
~~~ 19:04 (07:04 PM)
Meow I was 20 minutes late for my appointment, so it’s rescheduled. I hope I’ll be able to use other emojis [now I can only use 🙂 😀 🙁 ♥] again soon!
I’ll now prepare a slight struggle meal using eggs, green asperges, cherry tomatoes, an union and spring unions. Because I don’t like the taste of takeout food, I’m broke asf [so please hire me] and I’ll eat by myself tonight.
I’ll be adding thyme, oregano and “five spices” to it. And basil 🙂 .
Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.
Korte termijn doelen
(Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.
Educatie
Diploma’s
Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium
Behaald in 2016
Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica
The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree
Nog niet behaald
Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde
Certificaten
British Council
Cambridge First Certificate English
European Piano Teachers Association
Niveau C2
Basis Flight Simulator certificaat
Werkervaring
Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente
augustus 2013 – september 2016
Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.
Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)
juni 2016 – september 2016
Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.
Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)
september 2016 – december 2017
Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.
D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)
juli 2018 – heden
Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.
ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener
augustus 2018 – september 2018
Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.
Overige (Informele) Ervaring
Ervaring met koken
Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.
Ervaring met lesgeven
Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.
Ervaring als model
Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.
Ervaring als actrice/figurant
Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)
Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.
Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.
Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.
De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.
Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.
Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.
Karaktereigenschappen
Positief
Negatief
Communicatief sterk
Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen
(Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel
Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies
Initiatiefnemer
Hobby’s
In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.
Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.
Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog LilFangs.com 🙂 ).
If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂
Meoww yesterday was cool 🙂 . After playing the piano, I went out for dinner with my father, my sister and her boyfriend, at the Meat Cave in The Hague.
There are, unfortunately, some chapters I need to close before I can take group pictures of us that include self-written introductions of themselves and other cool things maybe. But then I want my website to look more representative as well, officially debuting them. The concept of fathership regarding me and me feeling so BlackTalian, is also quite complicated.
So meoww here are Fangy (hmmm) memory pictures I took of yesterday, placed in reverse order:
Passionfruit & peach ice + bacon, pineapple and a dried strawberry
Rareness ♥. It was all much more meaty than I expected – need my vitaminsss – but the meat was of very good quality
Smooth entrecôte
Buikspek, gegaard in venkel
Diamanthaas, featured by feta cheese, olives and tapenadeee
Ribeyee
The starter that was a type of ham, I believe¿
My picture smile is mwah meow I’m not happy enough 🙁 . Maybe I just need more Graeynissis and a photoshoott 🙂
On wild meowss my cleavage was so overdone that it was so comfyyy
Most Liée picture I believee
Meoww as I was in the Hague – the city where I worked last Summer, I just kept thinking of this Vicje of mine, and as the wine kept flowing and later cognac, too, [plus my tolerance was low, because I arrived to the restaurant veryyy hungry] I couldn’t keep myself from visualizing how I want to kiss and touch him on sight. Bad Fangs :$.
I hope outing this does not negatively influence my shot at the reality of this. I feel like doing a day of confessions today. The feeling of relief is worth a lot to me. Especially in my “pre”-full-time work “holiday”. (Pre in between parentheses because diary posting is quite full-time as well.)
I still haven’t slept since yesterday, so I will continue my fantasy, as I’l probably be laking myself to sleep haha openness diary yayy goood nightt ♥
~~~
23:16 (11:16 PM)
The greatest confession I have to make, is that things are going waaaaay worse than it seems, when it comes to including the general public into my business concept. I was just attempting to do that – trying to introduce a concept for people of all ages and all levels of intelligence – because I would love to see this world as a place of real unification.
But it’s not a necessity to simplify my content for people who don’t even seem to enjoy it. So I’m going to pursue my activities trying to make myself understandable even less.
Yes, to a regular person, that will sound like a very odd decision to make. Why this decision is a strategically positive one, is because, in the end, my greatest task, goal and challenge, are to unify the Graeynissis who are tempted by the image of me on their minds 24/7 since the very beginning of my life, who are simultaneously captivated by their very time-consuming occupations that come with extremely high responsibility, which is causing the obstruction of our unification.
They matter to me the most, because I am 100% certain that our attitudes towards life are, in the end, the exact same – including having a real mission in life and living by that – and that we would enjoy life so much better if we were together. That’s why I need my Graeynissis.
I see that people tend to consider a brand or product established, reliable and maybe even instantly good, when it ranks high in search engines. All I have done for this is SEO for my good articles, and defining key words for Google’s search engine. I was not familiar with the concept of backlinking, and its costs, until I noticed this (not spam? Or written by an extremely clever bot) comment.
Only when googling “Lil Fangs”, “LilFangs.com” or “D.O.C.I.S. International”, you find me on top in a search engine. And who tf would do that haha
I believe that my visitor statistics are inaccurate. I think that people prefer to visit my blog anonymously, without letting me know that they did. It hurts me that they do find entertainment in my content, but that they do not even want to let me know, and that they can read everything about my life (and talk shit about it), but that they do not even want to share their information with me.
I bet there are also people I used to consider friends of mine in this list, who don’t want to say that they like my work, because then I’ll feel good about myself, and they already can’t stand that I’m incomparably intelligent.
I also must confess that over time, I have developed such great intolerance for the extremely superficial shit that has become so popular these days, which makes people think that they are having meaningful conversations, while they sound so incredibly stupid that I must bite my tongue to not yell that I must do everything in my propagandist power to make sure that those awful trends end. Please stop following trends.
I must confess that I believe that I’m the best propagandist who has ever walked the Earth. But that’s because of the future and not because of the present.
I must confess that I find it very strange and slightly annoying – even though I’m not a fan of commercial holidays at all – that I’ll be celebrating Easter without my sister. She is one of the few people on this planet who does not receive my brain-to-brain communication signal, but who I do really love a lot.
I notice who receives my brain-to-brain communication signal and who doesn’t, I believe. When someone does, I tend to continue to treat that person as if he/she doesn’t, because people who don’t will consider us crazy for sure, and I don’t want us to end up trapped in the Dutch psychiatric system (again). That’s why I prefer to get them alone… But that’s very hard, because of who we are in society. I hope that that will change by working full-time.
I must confess that if my B were available sooner, I wouldn’t feel pressurized to search for a job.
I must confess that the dinner I made today was very memorable and that unfortunately I only have a picture from before the oven & baking. We ate this with rice today
I must confess that my content will be worth A LOT, one day.
I must confess that that comment I shared earlier made me realize that, regardless of what the slider on my home page says, people will think that I’m only a lifestyle blogger, and that is absolutely not who I am. This – and the fact that my brain really needs desperate rest of at least a couple of days – makes me think it really is better to stop writing daily diary posts. I’ll switch to weekly or monthly updates and seperate articles to share life philosophy related things.
I also must confess that most diary posts have been written while I was shitting.
And that this is thus my last ever daily diary posts. For real this time.
I’m happy that I really do not give a fuck about what the general public thinks of me. And that I’m very glad that their past and recent mistakes will seal the future parting of us and them. We’re A LOT better off without them!
Do you know what the most pointless thing about pro versus contra discussions is? That it’s not about consensus. Pro will never become contra and contra never will become pro, so it’s no use trying to convince one another, and the exchange of words is an extreme waste of time and air.
If you believe that I can change the world, I love you so much you might have to fight me one day, because I want to kiss you, 24/7!
If you don’t believe that I can change the world, I absolutely do not love you and you will regret believing that so very much, one day. If you have said this to my face, you will regret that even more. I do not forget shit like that ever. I think about that EVERY FUCKING DAY. I will not have peace of mind until I have proved that I am God in person, and that you have been very wrong for discouraging me. Shit like that should be punishable.
Know that you can try to hide things and pretend that you are not who you are, but the technology you use, ALWAYS leaves a trail, and real data can not be erased, even when you permanently delete it. Even when you think you are anonymous.
I fucking hate this planet so fucking much – the way it is now – and cannot wait until I have enough power to really change it. Barbarians should not ever have had the primate and I will die fighting them.
I hope that I may one day face everyone I have been complaining about on my blog simultaneously and (maybe literally¿) fight out the schizophrenia debate once and for all, while the rest of the world watches.
It is, by the way, way too hard to make an appointment at the GGD!? I’ll DEFINITELY fang my phycisian on sight, after all of the shit she has put me through, so I have no other option but to go the GGD, but their schedule is booked crazyyy full. It’s interesting that they consider that sleeping with someone who is from Suriname is seen as a higher risk for STDs, and that is where part of my roots lie ahahahahaha. (Goes crazy lol.) I really don’t feel like paying €150 for a tube of cream though and I also do not want to put apple cider vinegar on my genitals x_x.
I swear I will never sleep with people who do not receive my brain-to-brain communication signal, ever again. I need a truly passionate lover anyway.
I, by the way, know that everyone who receives my brain-to-brain communication signal can speak Cuddle fluently in the way I speak this in my mind. That’s, by the way, another reason why I don’t dare to treat someone who receives it like someone who doesn’t receive it: we will stand out even more, others will hate instantly and that will make me trigger happy as fuck, or I am just misguided by the fact that I’m only physically attracted to the individual and that just makes me hope that he/she receives the signal, a lot.
I’m still awake, because I decided to make a new curriculum vitae in Dutch and – instead of hiding my sole proprietorship – being fully open and honest about “who I am online” (= Lil Fangs).
I hope my previous employer still wants me back. Meoow he is on my mind so much ehehehehee (my Vicje :$). I wonder if I could habitually join in at his lunch table (it’s the cool table…).
So this is how I started
And this is me checking for grammar and spelling errors. I made the whole thing on my phone ahaha
I guess it’s time to grab my laptop and send this to my previous employer. Other jobs I have seen that I apply for, which are not all too bad, are chef (on Texel (including residency there)), planner for government officials chauffeurs or financial staff member in Barendrecht for at least €2,500 per month (because my pockets are flat as fuck so I really need itt).
Hopefully, if I send it now it will be noticed through the day 🙂 . I totally forgot about Easter! Meow I don’t like waiting for e-mails with great suspense.
You know what’s random? I think I’ll be celebrating Easter alone with my father/mr. Elia this year? Because my mother and sister are going to Portugal (again, like last year just when I started working for “my previous employer” (= the ANWB)).
Meoww gotta grab my laptop and something to eat xxx. I’ll tell you about my self-entertainment challenge!
~~~
09:29 (AM)
Aiight my mail is sent.
&My god people think I’m a fucking Twitter neo-nazi? But I fight every day to try to make this world a better place for everyone (except racists and who are just plain ignorant)! How the fuck dare they think this of me 🙁 .
As part of my revolution, I want to build a D.O.C.I.S. International compound in Syria, where all religions, ways of clothing and ways of thinking are tolerated. When I was in Surinam, I made a conceptual plan for this.
I really wish I could travel to Syria myself and see what it’s like myself. And negotiate with world leaders 🙂 . It would be a nice challenge for my intelligence. And my god it would shut those Twitter people up, too. And a lot of other people as well. Win-win-win-win¿
Meoww my self-entertainment quest is about finding entertainment until I have been hired for any job for which my hunt has started today and until I have been reunited with my B. The challenge is that I need relaxation and that I take my business strategy development far too serious, while those who need to know already know, and the rest will keep whining about things like that I’m named “Lil Fangs”, that I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, that my websites look unfinished, et cetera. But that is all part of the plan 🙂 . Let it rippp. It’s how I’ll recruit my members 🙂 . It’s an intelligence test 🙂 .
~~~
19:10 (07:10 PM)
Meoww I’ve been playing the piano for most of the day 🙂 .
I’ve been called crazy plentyyy of times for sticking to my strong belief of not being weak-minded, but, on the contrary, having cognitive abilities far above average, and persevering my business case.
It might look as if I’m throwing punches in a void, but from one day – the day on which I’m reunited with my B – onwards, those who have wronged me and those who have been unfairly taking advantage of the system (to some people, both features apply), will be brought to justice, and D.O.C.I.S. International will roll out its “future” business structure, making it impossible to take advantage of the way things are organized on Earth, ever again.
Those who have a toxic “The world will never be improved to a fully peaceful place” mentality, which is the view of the majority of people (and one of the reasons why I’m stigmatized as a schizophrenic, for I will never be able to agree with a powerless statement like that), who can somehow settle for this severely pessimistic and extremely depressing view, will be figuratively slapped in the face with the absolute fact that positive change is absolutely possible, when D.O.C.I.S. is officially put into practice.
I can only put my strategy into practice, when my name has been cleared. If I’d do this now, people will still be confused by the extremely wrong, illegal and humiliating privacy scandal I have been a victim of in 2017. I, therefore, need to close my case, together with dr. Crutzen, first.
To seal this alteration, I’m making a set of contracts. I hope to finish them today, and that I won’t have to keep writing cold case diary posts for much longer.
I’ll give you an update on that later today (around 8 PM 🙂 ) xxx
~~~
16:02 (04:02 PM)
My goddd I make one supportive statement towards a politician, in a reply, and immediately this shit follows:
Haha can you believe that this man calls himself a prophet
Weak argumenation like this is one of the many reasons why the world is such a fucking dump.
I want to emigrate to my own fucking island and never come across fucking dumb people like this ever again. Oh my fucking tachycardia.
~~~
21:10 (09:10 PM)
It seems like I’ll be writing cold case posts until at least the mid May 🙁 . My B is too busy 🙁 . I wish could do some of his work for him, so that he is less busy and I will finally have a challenge that suits me 🙁 .
But cold casing for so much longer is so dreadful. I’ll have to make a curriculum vitae that doesn’t say that I’m a sole proprietor and that doesn’t say that I am Lil Fangs, because those features have been seen as a liability, not guaranteeing my full-time and long-term availability.
I will never give up on my mission, but unfortunately, I will have to donate a large amount of my time to a job that does not suit my cause. I will not financially last that long to keep my focus on only this, while I have so much to do to initiate change, still.
So therefore I will, unfortunately, (attempt to) start working full-time again and have a lot less time to work for the cause about which I’m so passionate 🙁 .
I’ll be being sad about all of this and hopefully reason out an efficient alternative 🙁 .
16 days have passed since the prospect of an encounter that could bring me justice regarding my brain-to-brain communication not being schizophrenia, has been confirmed with certainty. It unfortunately has still (in reality, I’ve been fighting for this for almost two years straight now) not taken place.
I’ll keep calling my posts “cold case” until it happens! (Like a mini-protest.) And I’ll pick up where I left off yesterday 🙂 . Meoww I should ask the people I’ve mentioned in my diary yesterday for permission to keep the article the way it is. (Wish I would have done that in person, but I didn’t have much inspiration in medias res.)
Meanwhile, I also need to think of a way to edit my business website (because it indirectly shows that I wasn’t in a good mood, the last time I updated it x_x) and think of a way to encourage (new) visitors to participate in my independent research project and become part of my future council.
I hope that soon, I’ll have plenty of reasons to maintain a normal sleeping schedule and go shopping for (not groceries, for once haha) more professional-meets-Lil-Fangs clothing (if you’d see my very long matchesfashion.com wish list of which I do not own anything x_x (yet? :D)) and get waxed and stuff.
Meoow I have so much Fangyism to propagate! 😀 And I have a little serious list of Graeynissis now, who – if we’d become a little squad of Graeyniss friends – could be writing history with me (in the context of changing the world by using D.O.C.I.S. International to use loopholes in the system to legally fully shift our global economy into something far more sustainable) 😀 .
What happened the last time I was starting to befriend someone way older than I – plenty of people I used to trust taking serious measures, not wanting that to happen – has made me a bit hesitant with approaching (other) potential Graeynissis to build a friendship with. But because of my aspirations and intelligence, it would really be so much better for me!
That, however, means that I’d have to reduce my formality, but because I’m female etc., my friendliness could be mistaken for a code for asking for sex and money, by eavesdroppers, again. I should ignore that fear and just be myself, though. Plus, if I’d really be myself, I’m an affectionate kissy friend, no matter what, if I really love you “as a friend”.
As a friend is in between parentheses, because I, in reality, only know one mode of love and that really includes (unaddressed) physical attraction no matter whattt. It’s noticeable without me saying it?
Meowss before I continue my story of yesterday about Thursday last week, I’m going to eat and shower, so I’ll be back in about an hour or so ( = around 16:00) xxx.
~~~
16:20 (04:20 PM)
Meow I just made myself this:
I also added some cabbage and four eggs, plus fresh thyme and parsley
I’m pro soft carrots, so they go in secondd
The rest is in the pan. It’s great 🙂
I still need to shower, though… I’m also thinking of going to the gym today 🙂 .
Plus I really want to finish the story I started to tell you yesterday, because:
At some point, after I greeted Frans Muller, CEO of Ahold Delhaize, he told me that he already knows who I am. And that raised so many questions with me, plus not knowing if he has a positive or negative idea of me, plus I was so crazy hungry, that I responded in a quite crazy way: I changed the topic to the question I wanted to ask. I ended my question with “because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on the top floor, when it happens,” while showing him overstroomik.nl for my zip code. He said that that is quite a depressing thought, and I said “Yesss!” while my eyes expressed the exclamation marks behind my own depression. He said that he was going to look into it. (Why didn’t I say “Awesome, pleaseee let me know,” and give him my business card ah meoww x_x.)
At some point said that I would like to become a dictator when the waterworks give in, then said: “Just kidding! Haha maybe I’m not kidding,” and laughed in a very “”secretly” I’m fucking insane” manner. Before that, we also spoke of the type of business he leads, because I thought that it had been property of the state – because of the scale of the brand – but it is and always has been a family business.
He ended our conversation with “Tot ziens”. And I really wanted us to exchange business cards, but I couldn’t think of a motive. For some reason I thought that every (truly) influential person would know “the emergency policy” by heart. After all of that, I felt like hiding.
I had to express myself in my diary, but I didn’t think of how a misinterpretation of my words could lead to bad niss on the stock market et cetera.
I left because I am far too used to be by myself, am tired of selling myself as a leader and selling my business as THE future (because there’s so much theory behind it that I prefer it when someone reads about it first and then asks me questions based on that, instead of asking me to pitch) [which would still be the purpose of networking], and I’m always a little bit scared of not liking the food I’d be served, but I’d then still always say that I love it, while being afraid that my face would reveal my true emotions.
But meoow the day after, I suddenly thought of the motive: in my mind, I have an “exit strategy” for every business that has ties with the Netherlands, when this country floods, and I could have exchanged cards to later still discuss the way in which we could officially document that strategy, so that the organization (and high-profile individuals who are personally involved and interconnected with the enterprise), in reality, will be prepared for any emergency situation.
Meoow but now I still don’t know how he knows me x_x. Is it because I went missing? Is it because he receives my brain-to-brain communication signal? What other reason can there be? I jokingly asked if it was because I was a cashier. Haha it can be because I’m Lil Fangs? But that must mean that most of my visitors do not agree with my privacy policy x_x.
I feel like Assepoester now, because how the cuddlemeow could I still get his contact info? Meoow that “Tot ziens” will be real! He should become my Graeyniss and attend the Graeyniss event I want to organize 🙂 .
That is basically me wrapping up the story, because typing takes a lot of time and I want to go to the gym 🙂 xxx
~~~
18:38 (06:38 PM)
Meoww I have a picture to share:
What I’m wearing to the gym today 🙂 . I never unpacked my shiz from being in Berlin and Amsterdam from end November until the end of March.
Hehe I bought this fake Neuer shirt when I was in Alanya because I can’t buy a real one and Neuer is cute yay.
Just like Eric Rondolat, by the way. He has such a sexy accent 😮 .
~~~
20:17 (08:17 PM)
Meoww I’m back from my freestyle full-body work-out and will now be playing games on my Nintendo Switch until dinner is readyyy xxx
~~~
22:17 (10:17 PM)
I’m off to bedd (at this rather normal time of the day, for once hehe).
Tomorrow, I’ll be diving further into the bookkeeping application I was building, and hope that I’ll have enough inspiration to “complete” my business website. But things would be clearer and more attractive if I could use more videos instead of text, so it might be a waste of effort, adding more textual explanations to my website(s)… I should add the sample contract to it either way… Right¿ I’ll be contemplating about thatt.
Exactly one year ago, I wrote my first online diary post. And yesterday, I shared the first fundamentals of the alternative economic system I live for to see it thrive. My written content has evolved a lot, in the past year 🙂 .
Something that has stayed stagnate, however, is my development in finding a suitable audience.
The things I write about and the concepts I want to tackle collectively, apply to all of our lives. But the majority of people in what I considered my social circle, would rather look away and say that what I want to accomplish is impossible. That goes for many people outside that circle as well.
So I’m still busy strategizing my way around this enormous burden. Attending networking events, has been my main method to attempt this, aside from attempting to reopen and close my cold case by trying another way to reach my B ( = dr. Crutzen).
Within this year, I have spent more than 70% of time all by myself, working on this concept for change. That’s why I haven’t experienced many memorable things, in comparison to previous years. Typing and writing has become so common that there’s nothing memorable about it anymore.
The Harvard Business Review / Harvard Business Publishing Executive Event, which I attended Thursday last week, is, because of that, a memory that is added to my collection of mentally visual memories, to which not many things have been added, in the past year.
I, still, keep replaying everything I remember that has happened there, in my mind, because – aside from me heavily struggling with my temper – it was an exciting experience, in comparison to the many other things I frequently experience. Frequent experiences such as laying in bed while typing a diary post, with my stomach growling, because it’s past 3 PM (now that I’m typing this) and I still have not eaten anything yet.
I’m going to eat “breakfast” and then I’ll continue my build-up towards expressing feelings that are so unusual that I tend to hide them 🙂 .
~~~
16:45 (04:45 PM)
The memories of the event, which uncontrollably replay itself in my mind, bring along mixed feelings. Mixed feelings, of partial positivity, because I was very happy to be in an environment where everyone has been encouraged to brainstorm and where very experienced people shared their knowledge, plus meeting two very nice students, but I found myself struggling with social norms so much that I just couldn’t stay for lunch and networking.
I thought that the audience of the event was going to be the same type of people as the speakers themselves, and that we were going to brainstorm together to list and solve employment (and sustainability) related challenges. But most people in the audience who made themselves heard there, were not in such a position. (As far as I know – in the context of the future – only the students (who also have leadership aspirations, for a business that is not an app or an ice cream store. It was so comforting to hear 😀 ) and I.) For some reason – of which the explanation I’m building up towards – I had the feeling that – though I had the chance of seeing and speaking to people I’ve had a very slight chance of ever meeting – it was not the right time to raise awareness on my business concept.
I kept thinking that we would be better off alone, without the people down the ladder who are not waiting to be replaced by artificial intelligence. Without a team of supporters, I’m not ready to be verbally lynched by the opponents of the real technological revolution that, in the end, is inevitable.
I couldn’t think of any one-on-one conversation starters, because I thought that I was going to be starting group conversations with Graeynissis. The only thing I could think of is asking the Dutch CEO of such a popular Dutch holding, a question about emergency policies, regarding the waterworks.
[I’m a bit struggling with how to refer to high profile Graeynissis who I haven’t asked for permission to write about. But I think, since I already let this go on the day itself, I’ll just continue in full-face diary mode.]
Okayy I’m going to be very random and describe my full experience to you in full detail, including how I went there.
I definitively decided that I was going to attend the event, the day before, after I – after a long time – asked for a personal donation, to pay for the train… I hadn’t slept properly for a few days. If I had known that I would have been able to go there, I would have spent the day before differently (not going to a coffeeshop and playing basketball afterwards, but preparing a pitch), shaved my legs and gone to bed earlier.
But I selected my outfit before I went to sleep (thinking of making a representative impression), and I had slept for less than 2 hours, because my alarm went off at 05:20 AM. This had become my travel plan:
I had 13 minutes to buy a train ticket
The metro ride was only one stop, after which I walked to the Tobacco Theater
I made those screen shots when I was still in bed, because I woke up very tired and wondered for how long I could continue to rest. (I couldn’t.) After a quick rinse (since I already showered in the middle of the night, after having played basketball), I put on my wig (but realized that I had forgotten to comb it in the shower, so it was frizzy) and some make-up (wishing that I had the tools to make something else than another set of cat-eyes). I drank my tea in the bathroom, and didn’t have time to eat breakfast. (I was hoping that there would have been food at the coffee reception…)
After brief regular conversations with my parents, I walked to the metro and was in the train on time. I read the HBR edition from 2015 that was in my bag, as I sat on the folding chair near in between the train entrance and the entrance to the first class part of the train, for more than an hour. (Feeling slight heartache for not being a real executive travelling at least first class. Plus I just grabbed my trench coat off the coat rack when I left, not knowing that the dry cleaners had given it back to me all wrinkled, which made me feel uncomfortable after noticing it, when I saw my reflection in the metro.)
When I found the theater, I noticed my name tag right away, on the table at the wardrobe. I started the interaction with the employee standing near it, with: “Hi, I see my name tag here.” (I always think “Jaa wtf moet ik nu zeggen,” when I need to talk to personnel to initiate their work task.) She then took my jacket and asked me if I would like to have a print-out of the program. I said “Yes, please,” and also gave her my bag to hang at the wardrobe, because it was quite big in comparison to the bags I saw other people carry. Then I noticed that I had put my phone into my bag, so I asked for my bag back, took it out and gave it back, feeling slightly clumsy.
I still have my name tag and the print-out of the program:
Haha I feel very random for sharing this now, but I couldn’t type all of this while I was present there and after that I was busy making my Keynes deadline. I also feel random for still having it¿
I thought that I would have been able to score a piece of cake or something else to tame my stomach, which was growling very loud at some point
So I walked into the place where the magic was about to happen, and saw a lot of people chatting with each other. I was hungry, tired and alone, plus had no clue who to approach to have a truly fruitful conversation with (it’s always either fruitful or adding to my heartache, and the more my heart has endured, the more the gamble scares me). I decided to take a moment (and empty my bladder) by visiting the ladies room. The location thereof, I asked the sound+screen+lights crew. Quite clumsy again, because I was carrying my notebook and phone in my hand, and I have slight hosophobia.
Walking back to the theater hall (which I expected to be bigger¿), feeling a bit disoriented from all of the little corridors, I met Alexandra, who started our conversation by saying exactly what I was thinking: (paraphrased) that the construction of the theater is like a little maze. (That is neither positive, nor negative. Just a very bright observation 🙂 .)
I then asked her where she’s from – Slovakia – and within no time, we were exchanging our ideas and aspirations. The idea she has for the book she wants to write (which I won’t give away, because it’s her idea and not mine or anyone else’s), is something I believe the world truly needs. I gave her my business card right after I heard 🙂 .
I find it hard to estimate wheter people enjoy talking to me or not. I didn’t know if she was enjoying our conversation – I don’t have such nice conversations often, so I feared coming off too attached(¿) – and if me talking to her was maybe making someone else she’s with stand alone, so I asked if she was alone, too.
We were standing at the right side of the stage in the mini theater hall, near the door that leads to both the exit and the bathrooms, and she pointed to her friend, who was standing on the other side, at the coffee and tea tables. I asked if I could join them. In that way, we became a squad of three, but I didn’t know if they actually wanted me to join them or not (as in some people do not want that, and I didn’t know if they enjoyed my presence or were just being polite, but “Do you prefer it if I leave?” I found too much of a depressing question to ask and explain. Especially because I didn’t want to leave her side).
She introduced me to David (I believe is how his name is written), her fellow student. They know each other because they are both international human resources students at Saxion University. David is from Italy and reads the HBR – which is how they got the invitation – and took Alexandra along as his +1. They have plans of (potentially) starting a business together. (I have not asked if they were dating? They look(ed) like they really connect. I hope I didn’t eavesdrop on their date¿)
We talked about that at the tea and coffee tables, where Alexandra and I poured ourselves a cup of tea. She chose forest fruit flavor (I think¿) and I chose jasmin flavor.
Around the time I had finished my tea, we walked to the seating area in the middle of the theater. We sat down in the middle of the seating area, on the middle right side of the middle parting of the rows of black wooden chairs with flat cushions on them. Because of the way we approached the chairs, I ended up sitting in between the students I had just met. (My insecurities repeatedly made me wonder if I was right for eavesdropping like this? But it felt even stranger to ask. Like how my mother tells me that dr. Crutzen actually wants nothing to do with me, but he still wants to schedule a meeting with me?)
I’m going to have dinner (it’s 9 PM now) and then I’ll continue 🙂 .
~~~
21:32 (09:32 PM)
Dinner was great. I love spare ribs 🙂 . I’ll now continue my very random explanation of flashbacks, of this special Thursday.
Miss Wright welcomed us with her speech, after which Mister Macht (cool to have the Dutch word for power as your last name 🙂 ) gave his speech. He explainedhow, with the tools of Harvard Business Publishing (corporate learning), the performance of an organization can be improved.
I believe that at some point, he mentioned thatcyborgs (as in a human being with brain implants) already exist (in the context of the business side of it, which also suits the future of work very much) – which was something that made me want to cheer, because that would definitely make me win my psychiatry related cold case – but I can’t find that back in his slides? (I swear I saw and heard it thoughhh. I also heard (Dutch) people anxiously mutter, when it was shown. (Maybe that is why it’s not included in the downloadable version? Or maybe Mister Anthony said it. It’s in neither of the slides, but it really has been mentioned. Anywayy yay cyborgs.))
Since I heard that, I’ve been thinking: if I can perform brain-to-brain communication, while regular humans cannot do that, does that then make me a cyborg? It wouldn’t surprise me if I were one 🙂 . It would also explain why “some” of my relatives treat me like dirt 🙂 . I still have real feelings, though they might forget 🙂 .
The examples of business cases Joshua gave – I don’t know if I should stay respectfully formal or go colloquially first-name-basis on this, but this is my very intimately expressed diary so yayy – are the exciting futuristic and beautifully established brands that make me so excited about Harvard Business Publishing / the Harvard Business Review.
I would so love D.O.C.I.S. International to become one of those HBP & HBR case businesses. But meoww I’m such a small business, the concept is so controversial and I’m so broke, that I fear being rejected or ignored, for some reason. I still e-mailed him about my interest in a corporate partnership, hoping that that is the right approach to, in the end, have him become oneof my Graeynissis 😀 .
After Joshua Macht [I wonder if usingthe name of someone who ranks high in search engines is somehow notified when I use his or her name?] had spoken, and an elaborate series of questions from the audience had been asked, Scott D. Anthony interactively spoke of the future of business, from the perspective of Innosight, as well as from his own personal perspective.
I found the slide, by the way! It was mister Anthony who spoke of a cyborg (in the context of the quote “The future has already arrived. It is just not very evenly distributed.” I knew it! (x2 (as in the world is far more advanced than the way mainstream Dutch people see it, which I’ve mentioned quite often here))). Meoww I received the slides today and realized that what I told Scott in the e-mail I sent him was inaccurate, in the sense that I told him that he inspired me to work on the way I analyze my data, and then referred to a slide that was not his x_x. I feel stupiddd. I also feel strange for mailing, while I have his and Joshua’s phone number, but what I want to say is sooo much and my voice would be all shaky because I’d see it as a once-in-a-lifetime chance that could easily blow over if I don’t use the right words.
The cyborg is wearing a red jacket, I believe :).
I discussed the “bingo” slide with Alexandra. I told her about the self-driving buses I used to take to visit the gym in Rivium Business Park, and about the cryptominers in this house I live in. We have both tried plant-based meat 🙂 . (I really wonder how it gets its meat flavor?)
At the end of the first part of his speech, he asked for two volunteers from the audience. I raised my hand right away, because I love being a subject for an audience and speaking for an audience.
After being selected first, by being pointed at, I walked on stage by taking a huge step with my Timberlands heels, instead of taking the stairs. It was very random, but it felt more efficient than walking towards the little stairs on the side of the stage. Then I was told to take place in front of the stage, instead of on top of it, so I used my efficient way of walking again, mentally crossing my fingers to not twist my ankle, as I took a big step to get off the stage, and – with the shakiness of my sore muscles from the work-out sessions fron the days before, plus loss of muscle strength because of the state of my heart – my other leg followed. I thought I was going to feel awkward about it, but I’m happy that I didn’t feel bad and kept my feeling of happiness.
Scott asked us who we are and whether we were optimists or pessimists about the prospects of the future. The other subject – I am incredibly sorry to have forgotten his name – who I believe was a Sikh, said that he is an optimist. I said that I’m both an optimist and a pessimist, using the words “I’m a little bit of both.” I introduced myself with only my name, by means of making an indirect statement, on which I will later elaborate.
After having been told about both optimistic and pessimistic statistics, regarding corporate and international growth, and the story behind that (after which we were told to not focus on the numbers, which – that always happens – incentivized me to focus on the numbers) my opponent volunteer was tasked with defending pessimism (“we are at the … of despair”) and I was tasked with defending optimism (“we are at the spring of hope”). The reasons for optimism were mainly about the increasing amount of start-ups and steady profits. Pessimism was defended by elaborating on the state of the oil market.
That is when I realized how complicated (to open up about) my actual viewpoint is. I’m only slightly optimistic, because I’m capable of reasoning out a way to alter the world, to make it fully sustainable and peaceful, and I can use D.O.C.I.S. International as the ultimate advocate, to make that reality. If I didn’t have had that, I would have considered a proper future for myself and like-minded people so impossible that I would have committed suicide by now. I see most start-ups as rival businesses who are disregarding what nature truly needs (which is not another concept striving to maximize output). And, as a Fangyist, I’m anti-profit, because of the heavy claim it makes on natural resources, when spent.
It would have been a good moment to pitch my business concept, but it would take quite a few minutes to make that clear, and I wanted to win the debate, so I said something like this:
“Of course, we are at the spring of hope. The American economy is booming, for example. [I indirectly said that I’m pro-Trump, but that is more for political awareness.] And though we are running out of fossil fuels [not even to begin with the state of the waterworks], we have modern technology, so we can replace that [I was struggling to find the right words to use, but I meant that we can fully switch to sustainable technology instead of fossil fuels]. There are amazing prospects, such as ever-increasing profits [I said while I pointed at one of the numbers on the positive statistics paper. I had to think of (ew) cryptocurrencies right away, and how much of non-value that actually is] and, I mean, if we can already learn by texting, these days [a reference to Joshua’s speech. I want to teach people Fangyist economics by texting?], the future must be great.”
People started to applaud. I made a little bow, after which I went back to my seat. We were then told to vote, and “positivity” had won the majority of votes 🙂 (even though I voted neutral, and my words (and appearance) might not have been an influence, but it still felt like winning, which was something I truly needed).
I just randomly watched this video, which I came across, as a suggestion, when I was searching for a tutorial to make an HTML email (like a newsletter) via a regular mail client, because I’m thinking of getting Graeynissis by sending an interactive newsletter-ish message, and this is based on what I “usually” watch:
Zondag met Lubach always makes me laugh, but when “the foreigners debate” comes across anywhere, I always get mixed feelings (because I know racism far too well).
During the break, while Alexandra and David were socializing with other people, and other potential Graeynissis had rows of people wanting to speak to them, in front of them, I got myself some tea.
Meoooow it’s already 02:30 AM! The rest of the story is still quite long, and while I was typing this, I got the idea of sending a selection of people an HTML e-mail where I give them my ideas and ask if they are interested in attending a brainstorm event I’ve been dreaming of organizing for quite a while now. It is the introduction event of D.O.C.I.S. International that takes place before the Benefit I also want to organize.
More about that, and how I went from volunteering to leaving earlier at the event, after some mental rest.
Hooraaaaaaay, LilFangs.com exists one year today! ♥
Sooo much has happened since the very spontaneous “in medias res” start of this blog! Visiting Paris and (multiple cities in) Suriname (again), escaping psychiatric surveillance by running away to the US, almost going homeless in the US so coming back and still escaping surveillance by working full-time in an office for the first time in my life, scoring my first “university” study points, the long and difficult search to find suitable Graeynissis for my business (and to befriend), of course, releasing many books and articles, and muuuuuch more 🙂 .
I’m proud of myself to not have given up on my dream, though the returns I receive from this are far lower than the effort I put in. I had hoped to be much further by now.
Something classical, which happens every time I plan a release and do everything that has to be done for it (by) myself, is happening again: I will release my most recent Nosce Te Ipsum article today. But, unfortunately, as usual, it’s not finished yet. I “only” have way more than half of all chapters to add. Like on every release date day, I’ll be busy doing a lottt of release related things.
Regardless of my work pace, I am proud of the way I share my philosophy. The link between all of my separate publications, gets clearer, for the reader, every time I release something. It’s like solving a mystery. I hope you find it fun 🙂 . Today, the crucial clue will be released! Coincidentally on my (meoww may I say “our”? :D) one-year anniversary!
I estimate the release to be at 6 PM. I hope it’s sooner, so that I can relax a little and lay in bed having mixed feelings from my prospect of celebrating one year of LilFangs.com by myself, becoming reality. To be very honest: that was not what I expected, when I started this blog.
Something else very coincidental about this, is that this anniversary is while I’m cold casing, which is very symbolic, since I started this blog in an attempt to make myself heard, struggling in the form of (individual rights and health care related) injustice I live through. (More than) a year ago, I mentioned that I really need to see dr. Crutzen – the first Graeyniss I have ever laid eyes on and the first person I met who is capable of understanding me and who I can get along with – to prove my case. I have tried many ways to reach him since I started this blog. My mother now doing this for me – because ever since I have been reported missing, childish things like this are logical to people for some reason – is my final resort, which has brought me some news, not yet the encounter she said is going to take place.
Not even to begin about possibly – though she denied it, confirmed it and then denied it again – having lived for 22 years, with the wrong last name, having been incorrectly taught to call a man who is not my father, my father.
It would make my life easy and make me eternally happy, if it makes sense that the reason why I hear dr. Crutzen through brain-to-brain communication is because he is my father, that he is kept away from me because of some disgusting legal and financial construction made by those who are attached to the shit I do for them [because I really do not understand the sudden intense distance, so this is the only thing that makes slight sense 🙁 ], but that my plan to get to him is in accordance with his plan to get to me, and that we will live happily ever after, as two wild Graeynissis who want to become crazy influential, by running a business together. And that our other Cuddles and Graeynissis will accompany us on this journey.
Meoww I’m going to get myself a midnight snack and be writing xxx ♥
~~~
14:48 (02:48 PM)
I’m going to lift myself out of bed. From my statistics, I see that this is more like talking to myself. Exactly today, I’ve had 0 (non-anonymous) website visitors. That’s unusual.
It’s very disheartening to be so extremely disliked by the general public. But to my actual endeavor, luckily, it is an asset.
I refuse to work together with those who negatively judge what I do, without understanding the essence of it. The recruitment process of D.O.C.I.S. International is constructed in such a way, that those individuals will be filtered out of the process and be offered an alternative that is not included in the Fangyist system. Because the Fangyist system can only be kept healthy, when the collective works hard to keep it healthy. Those who reject the philosophy and approach, are not trusted to do good in this system.
Meoww you’ll see my basic Fangyist functions and the explanations of its workings, very soon 🙂 .
I’m thinking of going to the gym after being done with my article¿
~~~
19:35 (07:35 PM)
Meoow I’m still busy explaining Fangyist economics.
Why do I give this gold away for free and still have no one notice it x_x. I refuse to depend on social media networks.
I also did some cooking preparations in the meantime. I don’t think I’ll have time to go to the gym today 🙁 🙁 .
Tomorrow, my diary exists one year haha… I was hoping to be out of this depressing “my family does not want me to be close with people the family doesn’t know, so I’m basically indirectly living in captivation” life I’m living.
Haha I’ve been continuously replaying everything I have experienced at the Executive Event in my head. It has been so long since I’ve experienced something positively memorable. Meoww there are still some things I want to say about this, but I want to finish my article firstt xxx.
Meoow, tomorrow, my blog exists for one year. I wonder if I’m going to celebrate it by getting intoxicated by myself, the way I always celebrate my book releases, because I don’t know anyone who keeps up with and appreciates my writing, personally. Plus, I don’t have the funds to throw a party 🙁 .
I also, looking back at my first post on here, wonder why the fuck I still spend sooooo much time with my family. Why don’t they want to let me go for good, eternally x_x. I’m so tired of listening to their long and hurtful monologues. Especially after all of the SHIT I’ve lived through within this year, just because I want some healthy distance, so that I can breathe, think clearly and be myself. I have a superficial conversation tolerance level of any number far below 0.
Hopefully year 2 will bring me the distance from insincere love and superficiality, and the unification of Graeynissis, I so deeply desire.
I’ve been experiencing some not yet mentioned niss yesterday:
426 posts, by the time Future Fangyist Employment & Initiating Change is released 😮
Het is kruidcake en niet kruidkoek maar enfin
Co-cooked diet dinner was nice. My mother made the pasta that is part of the diet she is following, and I cooked some shrimp to eat with that.
It’s all right. However, for the sake of my health, I should (emigrate to) switch to naturally harvested foods only.
I notice that the cameras in the living room are making me feel even less comfortable at “home”. I wonder if other people have access to it, too. And if it’s easy to hack?
I hope my odd behavior hasn’t turned into comedy, because that would make me initiate the sickest personal vendetta…
Anyway, I’ve found the login credentials of that other Facebook account of mine, I wanted to delete. So I’m 100% Facebookless now. I feel relieved. I hope there will be a day in which it, for the majority of people, will be normal to not have any social media accounts.
My grandmother is staying with us, because the leakage in her house has been causing power outages. It’s a sign of decay, which indicates that a lottttt of things need to be replaced. Not only in her apartment – because the leakage is on multiple floors – but in the entire building, fundaments should be replaced. I wonder what will happen, when everything in Rotterdam reaches its peak of age and decay, and it can’t all be replaced at once, because everything is built so very close to each other.
I hope my mails and soon to be released article for which I will be beast mode writing today, will get me Graeynissis I can befriend, when I leave this dreadful family life behind me. Someone who sees my potential and wants to help me grow, instead of talk me out of it and have me sign up to live and grow old in the same city I was born in.
I really want to get out of here, but I can’t do that without having people to run away to/with.
No news from my mother yet. I don’t want to sound like a stalker, though. Asking soo much of her time to fix some issue of mine, in which I’m indirectly legally limited – after the whole fucking unnecessary police search thing – so dependency.
I still need
Mathematical model of Fangyist labor (processable in mobile application, dependent on NTI answers)
Ambassadors/people who would like to be audience
A screenplay budget (and a list of pricing options)
Overture example translated to mathematics
A finished contract
[As in deadline but I still have a deadly lot to do.] And mailinggg. But meoow 2 days until the article’s release? I hope I’ll succeed in scoring ambassadors in time? It would be veryyy satisfying…
And I’ve been asked to clean my room, because it’s such an awful sight.
I’m going to eat some and go to sleeep
– xxx –
04:31 (AM)
I’m too hyped to fall asleep. There are so many things I want to sayyy. But does professionality mean keeping word usage as limited as possible? It’s not my preference…
Looook at thisss:
February 2014 – April 2019
December 2013
Psychiatry has emotionally traumatized me, which causes me to be less outgoing.
I’m more myself now, though.
This is just a draft…
My last e-mail is easier to understand, when this article is finished. But is it too late to send something, when a lot of time has passed since the moment initiating it has passed¿
Meoww I don’t know, but I’m sending at least one thing todaay.
And I’m going back to trying to sleep xxx
~~~
13:21 (01:21 PM)
I woke up not so long ago… My bed is already transformed into my office again.
Hehe meoow
I don’t know what to eat for “breakfast”… And I don’t know if a mail sent on a Saturday will be received with annoyance¿ I’m just going to do it thoughh.
Look at me type all kinds of stuff about e-mailing and then referring everyone to my website, as if that is something common haha x_x . I’m so fangyyy.
Ever since that update, I somehow get an upload error, every time I insert an emoji 🙁
~~~
17:14 (05:14 PM)
My last email is sent. I’m now untwisting my afro’s twists, so that I can wash it and try out the products I bought yesterday 🙂 .
After that, the order of things that I “have to” do, is:
Meoww I meant three e-mails (to three different people) and I have not sent them yett.
This far, all of my e-mails ever sent – aside from what I sent Dr. Crutzen about campaigning – have not led to the type of partnership I attempt to create. I want the three newly composed ones to be structured in such a way that any form of addition to my organization, is the only thing it could lead to.
Meoww I fell asleep right after having played the piano. I’m going to continue sleeping, so I’ll talk to you later ♥
– xxx –
04:52 (AM)
I can’t seem to fall asleep again, so I’ve just drafted part 2 of my series about Keynes, a little:
I hope you’ll love it 🙂 . That about the packing list is not part of the article, haha. Just a little reminder to-self :).
I want to somehow mention this in the e-mails I want to compose and the debate I’d like to organize. Oh meoww and I should really show them my Overture!
The main reason why I want to reach out to them, is because I consider them the right people for acknowledging my business.
To establish the D.O.C.I.S. International brand, I need people to spread the word. But because of the mission and the impact of the organization, an ambassador can’t be just anyone. It should be someone who lives in accordance with the philosophy of the organization, who can add something to the cause.
~~~
15:18 (03:18 PM)
Meoww I’m about to leave my bed, get to drafting and typing and afterwards buy some things that satisfy my basic needs:
My friday night plans are to relax some more… Though I really should be doing something about the space I’m living in… My bedroom is too small for all of my belongings, so it has become a health and fire hazard. And my back hurts from my mattress x_x.
~~~
22:40 (10:40 PM)
Meoww two out of three mails are sent, I’ve eaten dinner and I’ve bought most of the products I intended to buy, though they only sold products for caucasian hairtypes. It will be my first time trying Weleda’s hair products. Usually I only use their skin products, toothpaste and lip balms.
#Unsponsored I’ll be using that walnut oil for my afro hehe.
People always tell me that I shouldn’t send out e-mails late at night, because it’s creepy, but maybe creepy will finally be the new cool? Hahahah I’m a night personnn…
There is one more mail I’m going to composeee xxx.
I was able to get myself out of bed. I need to leave the house around 06:15 AM xxx.
~~~
06:47 (AM)
I’m in the metrooo. I brought myself something to read along the way haha
History?
~~~
11:01 (AM)
I’m having funnn
I like listening to the perspectives of people with influence. It’s inspiring 🙂 .
Haha meoww I played “stage volunteer” but I couldn’t help but vent a little pessimism, while my task was to defend optimism. Consider it Fangyism, because I just really had to indirectly mention that this “marketing neo-capitalism” we’re living is going to get us run out of fossil fuels way faster than “we” can cope with. It was about whether we are living in good times, or bad times.
Is it only in the Netherlands, to have people ask veryyyy long questions where they indirectly discuss their biography with you? I wonder what the purpose of those audience questions that stall all of the action is.
I made some friends 😀 . Quicker than I thought, because I was quite nervous coming here solo. I’m still dealing with some slight social anxiety, but that will vanish later, I’m sure 🙂 . (I really feel like drinking lol. But I won’t! I think¿)
~~~
12:07 (PM)
I wonder if there are ways to grow a business, without doing networking and social media marketing. It’s not easy – since I’m speaking from experience (I’m unfortunately really not in the mood to chat about regular business things and use a lot of jargon (I’m not good at thattt)) – but I think that you’d filter out “the perfect group of customers and employment”, by using that approach. I’m almost there, I hope. (I’ll get back to this.)
~~~
13:42 (01:42 PM)
I think I would do muuuch better at events that are focused on executives only. I think people who are not above the business chain (this excludes students) are far too busy trying to distinguish themselves. They should be looking for ways to innovate themselves. (Especially because they risk to be replaced, when I seize power.)
I feel honored to have had a chance to speak to the CEO of Ahold Delhaize, F. Muller, in person, and ask for his perspective on non-digital business development, in regard to the decay of the waterworks. Though his answer was beautifully formulated, it has worried me A LOT. It was a confirmation of a gut feeling I’ve had plenty of times, which I must have mentioned around the time I stopped working for the ANWB.
There is no plan, for when “it” happens. When the dykes break and more than 40% of this country turns into literal Atlantis, there is no emergency plan, prepared long in advance. It makes it a lot harder to state my business case, because, since I’m still very young and learning, it’s a lot easier for me to suggest improvements, than to break down my entire concept of an emergency plan from scratch. This is because of the language barrier that comes with the many emergency situation related business that are not commonly defined yet. I’d be speaking a language only I know.
I left the event before group lunch… It feels a bit odd to have done this, because it was what I was looking forward to the most, but I just so intensely felt like crying after indirectly hearing that it will be a lot less easy to roll out my full concept (because it would be easier for me to make my statement, if the government already had its emergency plan), and I was very annoyed by the “Hear me sound all businessy, while I actually only make empty statements”-attitude of many people in the audience.
I was literally fighting an internal battle, to not raise my voice and speak my mind (to say that those fucking long questions that sound like Dutch politicians sound when they just talk until they can walk away from the press, are not suitable for the type of event). At some point I even felt like throwing my notebook at someone…
I would love to start a conversation about what I could do for HBR and vice versa, as well as literally all other big organizations that partner with them. But my sadness, annoyance, frustration and stress (plus hunger crankiness…) were getting quite intense.
I feel bad for leaving the Saxion University students I just met, without saying anything. They already went to the lunch room, when I was talking to mr. Muller. After my exchange of words with him, I wanted to say soooooo much more, I could have been talking for weeks. But of course, every one wants to speak to him, and the same goes for the other executive-level men there, so I’d have to cling to my newly made friends and endure the sound of meaningless words exchange around me, but I know I wouldn’t be myself.
It really warms my heart, to have met two non-native young people who truly think about real innovation. People who really think of their own identity and our processes of global change, instead of being overly infatuated with just business talk itself. I really hope to see them again. The same goes for the truly powerful Graeynissis who were present. It’s too bad that I’m not feeling wel.
But I have a lottttt of inspiration for my next article about Keynes, now! And I have veryyyyyyyy useful e-mail addresses 🙂 . I’m going to get composing right when I get home 🙂 .
I still have not eaten yet, today x_x. My feelings have made me spontaneously prefer to eat by myself. So I’m on the trainn…
~~~
15:41 (03:41 PM)
I’m homeee. My parents are off to their therapist – because I’m such a terrible child – so I’m home aloneee.
Meoow I’m so not able to act happy. But I’m happy to enter relaxing mode 🙂 .
I wanted to make a better “first” impression on you…
But meoww I have infinite ways to innovate D.O.C.I.S. International, so at some point, we’ll be business partners, like I want us to be 🙂 . I want to be one of those Graeynississss.
~~~
16:52 (04:52 PM)
I’m going to eat a kiwi. Before this, I ate “a sandwich” with salmon.
After composing, I will compose two e-mails. Then play Pixel Action Heroes on my Nintendo switch and then probably get some resttt 🙂 .
It was a lot of fun in the park with Shandery today 🙂 . I like how we have a similar attitude towards social situations :).
I’m going to cycle home now xxx.
I wonder if my mother has news for me yet? Regarding Dr. Crutzen. ¿
~~~
20:55 (08:55 PM)
I made myself something to eatt
It was all right, though I should have used different (less old, to begin with) wan tan
Meeeeow
Adding ketjap is keyyy
I’m going to play basketball xxx
~~~
21:17 (09:17 PM)
Are these vintage now¿
~~~
22:59 (10:59 PM)
Meoow I’m going to attend the HBR Executive Event in Amsterdam, tomorrow. Now that my mother has told me she will send me another “Personal Donation”, otherwise I wouldn’t have attended haha… (Because I wouldn’t be able to.)
I’m excited 😀 . Though I must say that everything there will be a learning experience for me. As in that, for example, I know what Ahold is – without knowing of the existence of that business, I would have not known how to structure a holding (so soon) [I’m talking about the structure of D.O.C.I.S. International in my Business Overture. I was an observant Albert Heijn cashier haha], but – in comparison to what I notice people often expect from me – I’m not very acquainted with any knowledge on financial growth, personal biographies or other “marketed PR”. I always attend events with 0 expectations and then leave them more inspired than I entered them.
Now that I need to leave the house around 6 AM to be there on time, I’m going to skip out on the spontaneous laptop session I tasked myself with earlier.
And now I’m going to ease my mind, take a shower and go to sleep.
Meoww D.O.C.I.S. International had a net loss of €96.14, the first quarter of 2019, I just calculated 🙁 .
Meooow 🙁 🙁
This is included in the loss I spoke of two days ago. Luckily I owe the right to a tax back of 21% on (taxable) business expenses. It sucks that, in theory, I now have to pay 21% of the €34.84 (though these were my own purchases 🙁 ) I’ve “earned”, to the government -.- .
Haa I got distracted from book keeping. Oh meoww I’ve spent even more, actually. I need to add my PayPal account to my database, still. I haven’t worked on the contract yet, still, either x_x.
I did make a personal profit of €171.48 this month
2019Quarter1…
The “Personal Donations” is the money I get from relatives, to get by. Yess I need a job, but I’d rather become CEO in a day than climb up the ladder… So sticking to D.O.C.I.S. International and nothing else it isssss….
When I then deduct the loss of D.O.C.I.S. of this quarter, I have made a profit of €75.34 this month. But about €50 on business expenses still need to be added to this balance, so then it’s €25,34 🙁 . And all this time, my bank account’s has been chilling around its €500 limit, and it still is, so my calculations must be very correct 🙂 . (And it’s still not a literally negative income… 🙂 )
You should know that I scored a 2.5 (depressingly bad) on my accounting exam, when I was still an economics student. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do this 🙁 . I just don’t like being obligated to learn things that are less important to me…
~~~
05:20 (AM)
Meoww I just finished working on the contract and late night dish washing. So much for being part of a participant household. Especially my wallet is participating.
I now also finished my late night granola and will go to sleep
I believe mr. Elia threatened to kill me, under his breath, since he’s slowly starting to figure out that I’m going to destroy his fraud empire, and make my own empire thrive.
Cheers
– xxx –
16:09 (04:09 PM)
Still in bed… I’m contemplating between going to the gym and playing basketball… I think I’ll play basketball today and go to the gym tomorrow.
I love to vent my blood lust with exercise 🙂 . It’s addictive.
Something I really want to get better at, by the way, is shooting. I’m talking guns. If police may walk around armed, then citizens should be allowed the same thing. Otherwise it’s not an equal battle for life. Plus, who is the cop who makes sure that dirty cops get prosecuted?
I can’t wait to finally know all fraud empire details (you know: who of our fake relatives is involved, do they also do human trafficking, have they already framed me, how much money are they hiding…) 🙂 . It’s better for them to be prosecuted in their disgusting national system, because in the Fangyist system, their crimes would mean the death penalty 🙂 .
If I ever die under strange circumstances, you know who it was 🙂 . It’s easy for him to kill me, because he is not my biological father, but I do have his last name.
Money makes people do craaazy things. And aside from his perky secret fraud lifestyle, he has nothing. Only watching television, until it’s time to act perky again.
I think the fact that I’d hate myself if I’d live like that, is another reason why he hates me.
Ah meow enough about this person who makes me want to kill and vomit (literal disgust… The scent oh my god x_x) on sight.
~~~
17:35 (05:35 PM)
Change of plans. From the backyard I can see that the basketball field is occupied, and I want to play full field by myself, which is not possible, so I’m heading to the gym.
This was me yesterday:
Better lightingg
This is me today:
Is it just me, or do I look like a little B?
I am still able to crack a smile 🙂 . (But whitening my teeth would make me happy haha…)
I make my own work-out scheduless. Yesterday, it was:
07:50 min threadmill (3 min jogging, 2 min side-step both sides, about 1 min spriting and then walking it out a little)
3 sets x 10 times lifting that 50kg for my legs and back
3 sets x 7 times training abs by using my legs to lift my entire body off the bench I do this exercise on
3 sets x 7 times lifting a weight for my triceps 12kg
45 minutes of freestyle fighting using two punching bags (resembling two enemies)
Today, I’m thinking of:
Doing the same warming-up as yesterday
3 sets x 10 times lifting 50 kg for my legs and back
3 sets x 7 times abs full body weight
3 sets x 10 times training biceps by punching with weights (idk how many kgs yet, because I haven’t done that exercise in quite a while)
Springtouwen? & Other jumping exercises (like jumping squats)
I’m going to finish my granola and tea, maybe eat some fruit, if I’m still hungry, and then head to the gymm xxx
I’m also going to visit my former piano teacher today, for a technical lesson 🙂 .
~~~
22:32 (10:32 PM)
Meoww my day was very nice 🙂 .
I stirred in this exercise, because I had to wait until the bench I use to train my abs was freee
My piano lesson was very nice. I hadn’t seen my teacher in decades, so we spent most of the time catching up. I like that I can level with her. She has been my piano teacher for almost 10 years now!
I hope you’ll see more of her work, via my publishing network 🙂 .
Depending on what comes on my path the coming week, I might visit her again next week.
My wanderlust is too heavy. I still desperately want to emigrate…
I wonder when my B ( = dr. Crutzen) will be in the Netherlands again. I’m still waiting to hear “the news” regarding our encounter, the way a pet waits in front of the window, until its owner comes home.
I read that one e-mail I first didn’t read, to make sure that I wouldn’t start mailing him again, because that was what I was told not to do, but it literally only said “OK, I will call you tomorrow at 13:00.” I guess I then have a different understanding of the English language. My goddd why may I not just schedule this meeting myself 🙁 .
I really dislike having missed out on a chance to hear his voice. The conversation took place at the scheduled moment, but I was not informed of its scheduled moment. I have to ask to see the e-mails he has sent.
He has such a pretty accent. And I can have good conversations with him. But in the end, this is all just to schedule that encounter, so luckily a real chance to hear his voice I’ll still get.
Hmmm what should I do now… I’m afraid I’ll make structural mistakes if I I start working on my contract now. I’m a bit tired…
My late night snack will be supermarket rice pudding I saw in the fridge, and after that, I’m going to enter bed pet mode.
Tomorrow, I’m going to chill with a friend. We’re going for a walk in the forest (because it’s fun and I’m on a budget) and will be meeting at a normal time (13:00), so I can’t go to bed at 5 AM and keep laying in it until 5 PM. I’m glad 🙂 .
I have earned more than €7 million in 5 years’ time. My carpe diem mentality (and distrust of financial markets) has incentivized me to enjoy it now – by investing it in friendships and purchasing gadgets I like – and turn it into a long-term financial safety net by investing in the hobbies I could make a living with. I have spent more than that €7 million in that same period of time.
I must say that I’m a bit heart broken to find out how much I can earn, in this way. I usually end my month with about the same amount of money that was on it the previous month, so it was very unnoticeable how much has come in over time. Please know that that €7 million+ is not my net worth (because spending €1 million on food is not an asset? It just vanishes into thin air x_x. But my belly is filled 🙂 ).
Until I asked myself what my personal revenue has been over a few years’ time, just a few days ago, while properly doing my book keeping for this year’s first quarter, I had not been aware of this.
If I knew this 5 years ago, I would have spent it veryyy differently. (I really thought that I was poor, in terms of income. I still am, in comparison to my parents and how much I can currently spend (less than €5).)
How I Earned It?
The number is a bit blown up, for it includes traffic from and to my savings account. The exact number, I’m still making a database for calculation for. My other savings accounts also still need to be included.
By delivering informal services (tutoring & bookkeeping), short contract jobs (Albert Heijn & ANWB), by having generous grandparents, by sometimes being paid back for treating someone, by having a lot of people celebrating my birthday with me and by my parents paying me back for household expenses and (occasionally) for other general expenses.
Why I Have Spent More Than I Earned?
Because new things make me happy and give me a fun occupation of time (going somewhere to buy it/using the internet for something else than gaining knowledge). I keep spending, even now that I don’t have an income, until I hit my payment account’s limit of €500.
Because the Dutch tax system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
Because the Dutch health care system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
Because I travel (long distances) often, but don’t have a car.
Because most of that income comes from compensation for household purchases, and those are not always paid back in full. (Let’s say I go for gas and and buy groceries with a total of €113.15, I get paid back €110.-. It goes against my principles to hold a discussion over €3.15, and “but you’re part of this household too” is often an argument to let me pay.)
I have not always asked for my money back. Because I tend to treat people, even when I don’t have the money for it, and other reasons. (Buying groceries, treating drinks, buying presents, treating restaurant dinners.)
Because I do not believe in banks and gambling on the stock market.
I’ve also never claimed any inheritances or obtained anything from sold family property, while I should have been considered entitled to it.
The fact that I’m currently in debt (in theory only my personal bank account debt of €495.95, my study loan of about €15,000.- (and I still don’t have a PhD x_x)), former business account debt of €73.31 and a discutable rental car fine of €1,650.20) forces me to change the way I go about my money.
My Objective
I want to earn at least the same, within the coming five years. This time preferably faster, so that I can use it to build a house (on my corporate island, which will be shared with partner citizens).
Objective Criteria
I will not buy anything for anyone anymore (until I earn more than I spend). This includes travel expenses for visits, cooking expenses (I believe that I should even be paid for the act of cooking itself, and that I’m a creative Michelin chef (lol)), etc.. (Haha meow I need generous and rich friendsss, otherwise I’ll stay alone forever x_x…)
Business expenses will not be done from my personal account anymore.
I’m going to ask back every penny spent on taxes too much and sue all parties in the health care system who have ever wronged me (plus the individuals who have forced me to psychiatric treatment).
I won’t befriend people who don’t give rounds like I do.
Only 50% of my income may be used for spending, the rest I’ll put on my account on my own bank (once it’s there, because fuck commercial banks etc. 🙂 ). My bank will be called Planet Fang and its headquarters will be on its (is)land Planet Fang 🙂 .
For further business expenses, trustworthy investors are needed.
Using the Safety Net
You’re looking at my safety net… My little broadcasting publishing business… I hope D.O.C.I.S. International is my gateway to useful contacts. In the end, I only care about my mission regarding societal change…
Haha I told you I’m a non-profit organization x_x.
I love Mondays, because it’s a lot more quiet around, when people are at work 🙂 . I hope I’ll be able to hand dr. Crutzen his contract today 🙂 .
I’m working on the renewed contract, in my bed. Here is a sneak preview of the contract I wanted to offer him in 2017:
This was a previous attempt of me to free myself from psychiatric surveillance and intertwine our lives. (With no success…) The D.O.C.I.S. International contract is built up very differently and is written in English.
The personal side of my case is not part of the new contract. It’s separate and there is no geheimhouding (confidentiality agreement), because that has been fucked up ever since I was reported missing anyway.
That is why not long after I started losing my battle for true freedom more, I decided to make it more public than anything has ever been public.
The D.O.C.I.S. International Partnership Agreement (which consists of two parts), is all about getting influence in D.O.C.I.S. International’s strategy and becoming part of a new financial system.
The first agreement is about initiating the process of becoming intelectually and financially intertwined. The second one about sealing out partnership.
I hope you’re interested in signing it, too! In advance, you should know that certain criteria have to be met, before one can register as a candidate of my organization.
~~~
12:54 (PM)
Good afternoon 🙂
Today is the first time I’ve had a non-self-made breakfast in a veryyy long time. The purest tasting yoghurt with granola I’ve ever eaten. Meoww I want to make my own recipe for thiss, with different and stronger spices.
Funny thing is that I’ll never get rid of the idea that people can be secretly putting drops of antipsychotics into my foods, as long as I’m in this country, which causes me to be so desperate for emigration. It’s one of the reasons why I find so much peace in cooking for the family alone.
Letting go of this life will not be easy, in the beginning. There are so many people I considered friends to grow old with.
But when I look at what I want to accomplish in life, my full determination, and the way they so firmly believe that the accomplishment of my dream is impossible, it’s overly clear that in reality, I’ve never had a chance for a future with those people.
My level of reasoning is dragged way down, every second of time I spend with them. The things they incentivize me to think of are always far too superficial. They’re so shallow that I get annoyed instantly.
Their weakness is so severe that “The world is impossible to improve” is considered a fact by them and me not believing in their fact, has been a reason for a collective of pessimistic people with no purpose in life, to diagnose me with schizophrenia.
I bet the way I’ve been stigmatized, brings them a lot of joy. Finally, a chance to not stand in the shadow of my intelligence, but to be considered someone who understands reality, “while I don’t”.
Another reason why I’ll feel relief in intercontinental distance (since California is still where I want to live until I have my own land), is because I then do not have to look my traitors in the eye anymore.
Everyone in my social circle acts nice to me, but from the way they formulate their sentences and the topics of conversation they use, I know that since I was reported missing in 2017, the greatest gossip scheme about me ever, has come to life. I can see it in their eyes. They’re not very good at acting genuine.
By going missing, I’ve, veryyy unfortunately, put my fate in their hands. They could freely decide whether to make me or break me. It’s easy to do to someone who aspires a public career. To say positive words about me, when I’m gone, or to lie and be overly negative, directly determines my public image, because my career had, back then, not officially started yet. (I still have not begun yet. I believe that it should start with a ceremony.)
It hurts me to know for over two years, that they would rather bring me down to make themselves look greater than I, than to just be genuinely supportive.
I would never be able to represent someone else in a tough period and then portray him or her like a bad person. To live with my loved ones having done that to me, on my conscious, is the reason why I have become so blood thirsty.
I must admit that I often make myself visualize myself taking their lives, because I find satisfaction in the idea of them not being able to prevent the world from becoming better, anymore. Bunch of frauds.
Using personal media to speak of someone negatively goes against my principles, but now that they have taught the world a lie about me, I have no other choice but to use my diary to expose them.
They are all very aware of that when my image is destroyed, I “have no option but to stay with them”, and I’ll have to live the proletarian life I’ve been complaining about, my entire existence.They smile when they start conversations about the way I’m living a hell of a life.
My theory is that ever since I was reported missing, they, as a collective, have broken so many laws together, that – even though it’s so overly clear that we’re not a good fit – they have decided to do everything in their power to make sure that I do not expose their secret.
Regardless of whether or not I’d actually enjoy being their indirect captive, they have their “unspoken” (only behind my back, of course (gross)) group pact they’ll have to stick to for the rest of their lives in this more than life size underwater trench of a country. And they must be making certain that I don’t find any hard evidence of this, because they know my sense of justice very well.
It really is too bad for them that the only way they’ll ever get a slight chance of doing something truly memorable, which future generations will know, is by being written down in my online diary. It saddens me that they have nothing more to offer. (Especially in my organization, there is nothing to do for them, because it will be far too complex for them.)
~~~
14:35 (02:35 PM)
I know I’ll seal and celebrate the parting, by spontaneously changing my number and deleting my Whatsapp account, without saying anything. I mean, “they don’t read my diary”, so it must be “surprising”.
Sadly, doing that will only be successful when I emigrate and dr. Crutzen signs my contract. If not today, then hopefully tomorrow.
I’m going to head to the gym now and then get to work on the contract and self-designed screening process 🙂 .
~~~
17:42 (05:42 PM)
I’ve amped-up to 50 kgs 🙂
And I used the treadmill instead of the cross trainer 🙂
~~~
22:22 (10:22 PM)
Meoww I spent more time at the gym than I intended to, I had random inspiration for this note-to-self article and I spent more time on my bezwaarschrift (notice of objection) than I intended to.
I ended it with a nice and formal fuck you 🙂 . I am not going to pay €369 for “being too late” filing my taxes for 2016, while I reported my 2016 €0 revenue on time. And I didn’t have an income tax job. Ben je nou godverdomme helemaal van de pot gerukt 🙂 .
That image, again, shows a lott of transparencyyy. I have more of those gems in my diary 🙂 .
Meowss I’m going to walk to the mailbox at the metro station to post this letter. The letter with the fine on it says that if the letter is not received by the 12th of April, my objection will not be taken into consideration.
Fucking disgusting tax system.
Tomorrow is my B’s favorite day (is that one of our inside jokes¿). I hope I’ll succeed in finishing our contract on time, but I’m tired 🙁 . And I don’t know when to expect him x_x.
Back-up in the cloud and on my laptop itself? Back-up on an external device? A back-up on paper? If the bank loses my files they’re in trouble. Back-up on a satellite? Back-up 10000 meters below sea level?
What is trust? [Het financieel systeem is zo lek als een mandje. Uiteindelijk klopt mijn boekhouding nog he… Hoeveel procent van de wereldbevolking is fraudeur?]
Oh boy, I need to be in the city center of Rotterdam at about 11 o’clock today. To cheer for my mother, because she’s going to run a marathon tomorrow.
My god please do not expect me to elaborate on that with sentimental wordsI’m busyyyy xxx
After cheering, I have a contract to adjustttt
“Case closed”?
I’m also fighting blood thirst. In case you were looking for ammo 🙂 .
~~~
08:48 (AM)
Good morning 🙂
I have not slept yet. I said “tomorrow”. That’s what I usually refer to, when I speak of coming events, before going to sleep.
A loss of 61,287.- Euros x_x. 1 Jan 14 – 5 Apr 19. The query shows dollar signs, but the actual amounts are in euros. My laptop considers me American haha. ( = Conscious antrophomorphism, not schizophrenia)
I want to sleep, but also feel like continuing the application I intend to build, and this contract…
~~~
10:16 (AM)
Running late as usual. I’m going to cycle to the event.
~~~
12:25 (PM)
Unfortunately
I
Was
Not
Able
To find my relatives
I’m going to wash my afro now xxx.
I hope to see Benoît – sexy catje I hope to be calling daddyyy – soon. (Like tomorrow or something? I don’t like it when I’m prohibited from fixing something myself.)
Ik ben ook nog bij de Coolsingel geweest xd
Tension?
Handle disrespect with disrespect is the way to go
I saw my neighbor approaching her home, walking, as I approached my home, cycling.
I said “hi”
She did not respond.
I was quite stunned, because to me, it seemed like she noticed that I was there. Not that I was feeling like having a conversation, but jwt solidariteit. I’m tiredd.
I went inside to hang my coat, because I was dressed quite warm.
I went outside again, to put my bike in the shed
She asked me if my mother’s marathon went well.
I said “Vast wel” and went inside, zwiepte de deur dicht, met mijn vingers.
Doing everyday shit with Lil Fangs
Minus the sentimenttt
It’s fun 😀 .
~~~
14:43 (02:43 PM)
Nu ik die vervallen teringzooi in Rotterdam heb gezien ben ik gelijk weer helemaal van slag 🙁 . (That sounds funny to me.)
Something very pressing about my life philosophy, is that I find that a new collective should take the lead, regarding the environmental decay of the Netherlands, the way nature could strike out of nowhere, and how just keep making the dykes higher is not solving the problem.
I hope to be able to figure out a way to emigrate (being a Dutch citizen is like having a financial ankle bracelet, shout out to the Belastingdienst [I’m sooooo pro tax reform]), after seeing my B.
I’m making a packing list, just in case 🙂 .
Always sidewaysss
As I ponder and gaze at this tree, I think: “Is it always winter, below sea level?”
~~~
23:31 (11:31 PM)
If I’m correct, the week in which I finally get my life back to normal (I mean normal as in justice, having someone to talk to, finally getting a proper chance to get my business off the ground, et cetera), has begun 🙂 .
I hope I’ll be able to be certain about this – but I’m unfortunately still subject to people who have authority over me, while they should not have this. Not only because I’m competent. More because I consider them unable to truly do what is right.
Especially after the 22 years of being taken for granted, being discriminated, being stigmatized, et cetera. My goddd I’d kill for the certainty to never see these people again.
I sooo hopeee I can move to any place where someone like me – someone who prefers silence over hearing superficial shit conversations and being in large hoards of people while inhaling big city car fumes – can live in peace.
Soo yess I’m just going to keep my side of the encounter short. I’ll offer him a new version of the contract I had composed for him in 2017. Other than that, I hope we can get to private brainstorming soon 🙂 .
We’ll become One. That is what the contract does and that is what D.O.C.I.S. International means.
I just woke up from my long nap, after having gone a few days pulling all-nighters. Time for late night dinner and making this contracttt xxx
I went to sleep around 6 AM x_x. Doing my bookkeeping is addictive 😮 . It was hard for me to quit adding new entries. Now I have all rough data for this quarter, I need for my tax report of the first quarter of this year, and I can make my own fun charts with :D.
Having your bookkeeping in this format is required to become an official partner of D.O.C.I.S. International (as an individual), because in that way we can make sure that we are financially in synch, and we can use it to determine the value of the Fangia (our own valuta) 🙂 .
Designing a special contract and “becoming a partner” programme for this, are on my to-do list, including writing that bezwaarschrift letter [I’m not going to pay a €369 fine for filing my tax report in 2016 too late, because I fucking filed ittt. There was just nothing to account for.]
Yesterday + last night were better than usual. I was quite high after the “power plant” I obtained after grocery shopping after going to the gym. I’ve cycled 1 hour in total for it.
Now I’m shopping for groceries avec my mother. We also went to the center of Rotterdam to pick up her “start number” for the marathon she’ll run tomorrow.
I like the intentional messiness of my hair
~~~
23:29 (11:29 PM)
The lamb biryani improv with veggies made was nicee
My grandmother helped by cutting the vegetables. She came for a visit 🙂 . Usually she only does that every Sunday.
Meoww yess so I’m now going to add the final layer of fun complexity to the “I developed a major crush on someone who might turn out to be my actual biological father, who has also been the motive for other people, to diagnose me with schizophrenia” story that is part of my cold case: he (dr. Crutzen) has always been able to hear me reason, and as I matured (forgetting parts of my childhood), and he mentally identifies himself through my reasoning (just like many other people), he might have forgotten that he is my father, and had grown accustomed to the title of sexy mysterious Graeyniss I consider him to be, in my mind. Or he just didn’t know how to tell me his secret, and can’t deny mutual attraction. Either way: my roots are a mystery and I want to find a way to have dr. Crutzen in my life for the rest of my life, from our coming encounter onwards. (It would make the U.S.H.R. look much more credible, too.)
More about this, after I have slept some. Meoww I just finished eating some late night sweetness:
Corn flour pourridge and “fruit stew” (strawberries, blueberries, plantain, raspberries, orange juice, vanilla and mint)
Goood night xxx
~~~
18:33 (06:33 PM)
I’ll keep “cold casing” until the encounter takes place… It’s a bit like groping in the dark, because for some reason, because I’ve been told to stop seeking direct contact – do not exactly understand why, but that encounter could make that clear – and thus I have put my faith and fate in the hands of my mother, who has become my middle woman in this. She decides when it takes place. She must have her questions, too, for the both of us. Since she initiated the entire case.
So the great question on my own mind is what approach should I use to become best friends ever with him…? We were speaking of doing a research project together, the last time I spoke to him, before that nonsense case was started. I guess I’ll make a new proposal for that, and stir in D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R..
It’s too bad that I have no clue how long I’ll wait for this. I guess I should start to apply for jobs to serve drinks somewhere. (But in actuality, I really don’t want to… I want a job where scripted social interaction is kept to a minimum and I have the most self-authority possible… I don’t know where to find that, for my level of education xd. (I don’t have any useful diplomas in that range of fields (functies als leidinggevende).)
That’s what I’ll work on, after working out. I’m heading to the gym xxx
~~~
00:18 (12:18 AM)
This is my favoriteee. I want to be able to lift a freight truckkk
Keeping it simple¿ I put ginger in my soja saus xd. My parents went to the weekly Friday Afternoon Drink.
I’ve been a baby subject of this Dutch hospital program called the “PIAMA Onderzoek”. They will now approach me personally.
Fissa. 30 april dit inleveren en voor 12 april een bezwaarschrift indienen
Meoww I ended up still going to the gym and later accompanied a friend to the university library, while I was doing my depressing book keeping.
2019kw1+… My Access database will be able to make its own income statements and charts and stuff sooon 🙂
I need a donation/investment to make my business look more attractive, and that could then lead to anything that looks like revenue.
Currently, I have no income. Only fucking high personal expenses (from my personal account) to escape my parents’ home. And then I get so broke that I have no other option but to go home. Every fucking time. I hope my B will save me! 🙁
There are no definitive location, time and date chosen to meet him yett. I hope he has time to call today 🙂 . I hope I’ll see him very soon.
I’ve been having extreme second thoughts about the university being the neutral ground our first encounter after 2 years should take place at. It leaves such a bad impression that we can’t just discuss it one-on-one, but that my mother “has to” be present. Why don’t they trust my B 🙁 . It makes me look soooooooo unprofessional 🙁 .
Today, I’m going to continue to work on my bookkeeping, do other useful things and go to the gym again in the evening. Secretly hoping to hear from my B and throw around my entire schedule 🙂 .
I’m off to beddd
Goood nighttt xxx
~~~
19:45 (07:45 PM)
Meoww my day is more bed petty than I expected it to be. It’s so hard for me to get out it… And my heart has been acting up heavily. That I have not yet eaten or drunken anything today can be one of the factors causing that. It’s a vicious cycle.
I wake up tired, stay in bed hoping to feel less tired, get (more) hungry as I lay in bed, the Dutch diet does not suit my taste (because it’s unnatural and I can taste that) and that causes me to not want to eat, my body weakens and I get more tired as I don’t want to eat while I should, a lot of time passes as I lay down contemplating life, right before I feel that I’ll pass out, I get up to (get ready and) eat and then I still work on the schedule I’ve given myself for that day, causing me to sleep late.
I see several things I need to do to break that cycle:
See a doctor (because my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia influence my fatigue).
Move to a country where non-artificially grown foods are sold. It’s better for my health and I’d be able to really enjoy food again.
Get my business off the ground, so that I feel happy and have a reason to leave my bed and use my diverse range of talents, every day.
Surround myself with people who are able to understand how I feel (because the judgment of those who don’t is very hurtful and depressive. I wouldn’t care, if I could distance myself from them).
All things on that list cost money, and that is something I don’t have at the moment, so, again, this starts with earning enough to emigrate and thrive my business ASAP. That means not receiving the salary of an uneducated person, and that seems unavoidable in this country, being who I am.
Another reason why I feel like laying in my bedroom with the blinds closed, is having spent hours in full confrontation with how incredibly broke I am, from making that Access database for bookkeeping.
I’m still going to continue working on it today, though. Obligations….
Currently, I’m waiting for dinner, which will be my first meal of the day. On the long term, I’m waiting for my B… I’m going to elaborate on that after I’m done eating.
~~~
22:33 (10:33 PM)
It’s crazy to say that in 2017 I started waiting intuitively. Dr. Crutzen (also known as my B haha xd) was interested in doing business with me, and my worries about never being able to leave my parents’ house started to fade a little.
Until my parents themselves strategically distanced me from him, with their psychiatric measures. They have portrayed him as the cause of my odd behavior. While they are the cause. Look at all of the weird shit I need to do to escape their authority.
The concept of brain-to-brain communication is what makes understanding this situation more complex to those who do not have that type of connection with me.
I love being able to hear him in my mind. My parents and every person related to psychiatry they have involved in my case, have said that me saying that I appreciate it is just a sign of mental distortion and weakness, and that they have to help me by forcing me to take high dosages of antipsychotics, my body is intolerant of. (I want to help myself and future victims by prosecuting them for this.)
If he, in the period in which I was still under treatment in his name (while they never let my B and I deliver a statement together, the way they should have), would have confirmed our brain-to-brain communication, would have said that he really wants to do business with me and that I am right for wanting to distance myself from all of them, they would have destroyed both our careers, instead of just mine. All of this was happening behind closed doors. This blog did not exist yet, so they could have done whatever to us – the way I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures or videos in the institutions I’ve been in – and no one would know about the even worse injustice we could have been living through.
Now there’s only the injustice I’ve been living through, being treated and stigmatized as a schizophrenic, while being strategically kept away from the only person who can truly help me out of this situation.
That is absolutely not nothing – because it has emotionally (I’m still dealing with flashbacks that raise my heart rate and make me feel very sad and angry (veryyyyy angry)) and physically (tachycardia and muscle stiffness) destroyed me – but at least it’s solvable.
Especially now that my mother has burnt her fingers by wanting to seal her victory, by contacting dr. Crutzen about me, just a few weeks ago. She just doesn’t know it yet. (Then again, maybe she does? She lies to me so often that I don’t know what’s real anymore.)
He has told her things like “I’m worried about Dominique, too” and “sterkte”, which seems like sympathy towards her. Her worry about me relates to me not socializing with our “family” the way I used to, preferring death over a working for a boss and making statements about how brain-to-brain communication will save me from her intense attachment to me.
I believe that his worry about me relates to the very frequent near death experiences I experience, because of the state of my heart, and the way I scream in silence at night, because I miss him far too much and want him to cuddle me to sleep. And my worry for encountering another person who’ll state that he/she is trustable and then forces me to make the schizophrenic nonsense I live through worse again.
Unfortunately you, my dear reader, will soon have to choose a side. I don’t want to be experienced by the eyes of those who can consider me a schizophrenic. Those are people I refuse to do business with. It’s your choice, to either spend the rest of your life in the camp of my “parents” and the masses they have convinced of me being a mentally weak person and a bad leader, or to join team Fangs and enjoy the benefits of living under D.O.C.I.S. International (once we have our compounds).
I love you no matter what you choose. I’m trying my best to explain the (figurative) camps to you, but, of course, you’ll need to hear the perspective of the other camp personally as well.
What makes this situation even more layered, is that I remember the first time seeing dr. Crutzen was in 2015 – when I was in high school, visiting the university he works at, as a “student for a day” – and that we started to become friends in 2017, after I had followed (but never finished… I didn’t attend the final exam, because I hate to fail tests I haven’t prepared for (and knowing that in advance)… 🙁 ) his class. After all that time, I developed a major crush on him… It’s something I didn’t dare to share with others.
We have so much in common that I couldn’t help but be very attracted to him. I rarely meet someone like me. (Really… It’s 1/10000000…) The first time I was in his private presence – not saying much, which is what happens when I find someone attractive – was when I took my ex-boyfriend (who then was my boyfriend) and his friend to one of the first lectures of dr. Crutzen’s block, because they disapprove of microeconomic theory as a whole, so I wondered if his perspective would change anything about that. (It did not.)
I enjoyed hearing dr. Crutzen’s perspective, because in my relationship, I, too, was defending the subject, but I was still a pupil. It was nice to hear someone argue for my side, for a change, and really liked the way he is so different from anyone I have ever met. (The way he speaks and the way he moves, very much included.) Ever since that little debate, I used any nonsense that popped up in my head to approach him with a question after his lectures. I just really enjoyed talking to him and hearing his unique perspective…
This one time, he asked me to e-mail him the reason why I wanted to speak to him, because he had to go somewhere. From that moment onwards, our friendship developed itself. When I had quit my studies and I was trying to further develop my PR concept – while things in my personal life were quite awful – we decided to meet in person, in his office.
The first time, we were alone and we talked about literally everything. The second time, my boyfriend was present as well, we had a very diverse conversation again, he advised me to select the last option of the document with business ideas I had sent him, and he lent me two books.
Those two times we spent time together in private – just chatting in his office – I’d become internally sad after saying hello. I didn’t like saying goodbye to him, and wished that I could spend forever with him. (As his adopted child, I considered a possibility, then. Since things at my house were very unpleasant to me.)
I spent a lot of time reading the books he lent (or gave to¿) me and worked on the development of that “PR combined with a lot of different subjects, with happiness as its end goal” ( = D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R., basically…). I didn’t see him in the meantime, because I really wanted to impress him with my ideas, so I wanted to have fully finished them first.
At home, my parents gave me deadlines for expecting business results, having to find a job, having to move out, et cetera. I didn’t meet any of them, because they interfered with the alternative path I had chosen, where the goal is far more important than the basic routine of life.
To meet them in the middle, I proposed to follow an accounting course in Atlanta, for executives, for which the final assignment was to give a presentation about an example of an accounting problem in my field. I saw that as the perfect opportunity to use my PR strategy in practice, work together with dr. Crutzen (as my subject) and improve my chances on the job market.
Unfortunately, my parents didn’t want to pay for the course (because the Dutch tax agency would be notified of how much money there actually is in this household and they said that they don’t trust me anymore with following an education programme, because I had quit the economics program), they found Atlanta too far away (because they wouldn’t be able to do anything or know what happened, in case something happens… If there’s one commonly said statement that can piss me off, it’s that. Might as well spend eternity in a fucking bird cage (oh wait I’m already doing that haha (not funny haha help meeee))) and they didn’t want me to spend so much time with dr. Crutzen (because he is not a friend of the family). I was disappointed and angry about my parents decision [it’s very annoying to live poor in the house of rich people, just because they fear they will be caught with their fraudulent shit, if they share with me], but happy that dr. Crutzen still wanted to develop that campaign with me.
Unfortunately (again), not so long after this, the fights at home became worse, I shunned my parents (by means of not having to argue), and that was when they started their psychiatric nonsense, for which they blamed dr. Crutzen. That was exactly two years ago.
What makes all of this even crazier, is that my mother – a while ago, when I wasn’t posting diary posts (in 2019) – said “You want him to do a paternity test, don’t you?” While that was not on my mind at all… It wouldn’t surprise me if dr. Crutzen is my biological father. I don’t look like mr. Elia (who I do regard to as my father) at all. But in the few weeks before that, my mother has fully denied my gut feelings of dr. Crutzen being my father. (Though she could have sooo many reasons to deny it, and they’re all just as frustrating. Getting married while you’re pregnant with someone else’s child… What a hassle x_x.)
Could that mean that I’ve coincidentally developed this super intense crush on someone who turns out to be my biological father? Yesssssss. This might sound very random, but I would find that very cool 😀 . It would show suuuch an interesting form of heredity… It’s also great for developing our relationship, because I want hugs and kisses, and to sit on his lap and get bedtime lectures and stuff… 😀
It would be so trippy to go from “I’m Surinamese Creole, “Boeroe” (Surinamese Caucasian), Surinamese Native, Bahamian, Jamaican and English” to “I’m BlackTalian”. But I’m already quite accustomed to the title 😀 (in my mind haha…). I’ve never met someone who is Surinamese and Italian. (It’s almost as if its cultures are in contradiction with each other…)
The confusing part is that there was sexual attraction, before I had the knowledge of his potential fathership. I’d never give in to that attraction that much in real life anyway, since he’s a married man, but it won’t vanish. Once it’s there, it’s there. That’s the way I am.
It’s way past twelve, so I’m going to start a new diary day xxx
[(As usual) I’m elaborating on what I said yesterday.]
To prevent more distortion in the story about me, I think a “public debate” (though I wanted to keep things simple and private, but that is not an option) would be good. To let both sides of the story about me be heard at one occasion, and let people then form their own opinions. Instead of just following those lies that were spread about me, when I was “missing”.
I would appreciate it a lot, if we could stir in my debate about Keynes and the practices of the alternative sustainable financial system I’d like to put into practice. Meow the encounter is such a good opportunity to share ideas xd.
It took a very long time – two years, instead of the two weeks I expected – but I couldn’t be happier with the way it’s playing out.
This one encounter is the reason why I started to share my story. So that people can get the chance to form their own opinions, instead of following my parents’ right away, when hell breaks loose again, once I’ll leave them for good, after I’m finally reunited with he who does understand me.
Ever since my parents forbade me to see dr. Crutzen, who can add sooooooo much depth to my business strategy, in a way no one else can, I was lost. I was very disappointed in them, for their interference.
All my life, they’ve been breathing down my neck for good grades and anything else that is important when you want to see your child successful and wealthy. So I was so shocked, when they started to prohibit my business from thriving.
The fights we were having because of this, caused me to never want to speak to them again. This want has never changed. (My financial situation keeps it from happening. I’m basically bankrupt x_x. I can’t move out…)
I felt very depressed after being forced to let go of the person who had become so important to me in a very short period of time. My parents went as far as forcing me to undergo psychiatric treatment for this. I’ve been forced to take many types of antipsychotics.
My (low-budget, because then, too, I was broke) way to escape the psychiatric treatment I could not escape from, was running from home. I’ve told them plenty of times that I did not want that treatment and that they should fucking listen to me. So I was shocked to hear that they reported me missing, when it was clear to me that if you do not accept the terms under which I wish to live in the household of which I, too, make part, those people can get the fuck out of my life.
Everyone who is capable of believing that I have ever not been able to find my way home, and who believes that I’m a schizophrenic, can stay the fuck out of my life. I’m everything except an individual who can not handle the mental. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the few who dares and is able to think of solutions to the fucking shit world we live in.
The reason why all of this pisses me off so fucking much, is because they had the nerve to ignore my wishes, let me be diagnosed with schizophrenia and live stigmatized, without ever asking dr. Crutzen for his side of the story. They believed that he was only my professor, but that I didn’t even attend his class and that I only believed that I had a connection with him, because I had been smoking too much weed.
The fact that he wants to help me end the hell I’ve been living through, already gives them an indication that they’ve been VERYYYYYYYY wrong for saying that I’ve never spoken to him in private. And my encounter with him will prove everything else I’ve been saying, too.
I really hope that, if my mother and dr. Crutzen really decide to make it big, my Vicje, Sander and Lorenzo will be present as well, and that they would like to become my ambassadors 😀 . And that every motherfucker involved in putting me through that psychiatric hell will be present, too, so that I can personally tell them that I’m going to sue them all for emotionally destroying me.
That was a very little summary of the shit I’ve been living through in the past two years. I hope the conclusion – which is the encounter – will come soon. I want to finally leave this all behind and focus on what is really important: D.O.C.I.S. International.
So meoww, today, I’m going to be hoping that my B calls my mother to arrange things, while I do my bookkeeping (both business and personal) [I’m going to make my Access database for it today…] and attend a boxing class.
I’m now going to attempt to sleep, while on the inside, as usual, I’m still raging because of the ignored injustice I’ve been living through all this time and people turning their backs on me et cetera.
Good night ♥
~~~
14:43 (02:43 PM)
Meoww my preference for our first encounter really is something private, though. A public debate is much nicer when it’s well-prepared (by both sides). And there are far too many emotions I’ve had to hide for two years, so I’d really like a moment to combine the sadness of my two years of hell (if not more), with the extreme happiness that will come from seeing him and all of this finally being over, in private.
I hope we’ll take some good pictures together. And that we’ll co-write many things!!!
Guess where I’m at? Still in bed x_x. My stomach as earsplitting as usual.
Meoww I feel so tired, still 🙁 . I should make an appointment to see my doctor in Germany, but the journey of visiting him is tiring as well (just thinking of it makes me feel as if I’ll collapse on the way there), and I’m crazy broke. I feel like bed petting all day again x_x. Aside from making my own bookkeeping database, of course.
I don’t know if I should go boxing today. I love getting rid of my cropped up anger, but doing that in a group, with the risk of entering a new/boosting a gossip scheme, whenever I do something odd, as the newcomer… I’ve been too alone for too long to be able to enjoy a non-business-related group setting, I feel.
Especially because I fuuucking hate mainstream media and don’t give a fuck about celebrity gossip et cetera, I don’t feel like meeting new people. I just want my Graeynissis…
~~~
18:09 (06:09 PM)
Heyy I have this random accounting question I’d like to ask a Graeyniss:
When I buy a WordPress plugin to improve my services, is that plugin than accounted for as an asset with monetary value?
Because in reality, digital products are worthless, but I do have paid for it…
I’m making a VBA application for my personal bookkeeping, because regular software is not programmed for my situation, where all business expenses are done from my personal account.
~~~
19:52 (07:52 PM)
The same question goes for the purchase of a license for a virus scanner… I’ll now account for it as “general operating expense”.
Just like yesterday and manyyy days before that, I’m still in bed (around this time)… I’m not outing how much of a bed pet I am that often – in comparison with how often I’m exhausted and self-cuddly like this.
That’s because it’s my guilty pleasure… Dutch culture is all about getting up early and doing things together, saying that you contribute to society. My bed pettiness is considered a symptom of the illness I believe I do not have (schizophrenia), so I’m very incentivized to not shout it from the rooftops.
I reallyyy can’t wait until I see my B, because – whether or not he confirms or denies our brain-to-brain communication – the “hang out” that will soon take place, including him, my parents(, my sister (if she doesn’t have other plans)) and maybe other people [I’m not sure, because my mother is arranging this with him, because there are many reasons why he can’t reply to the manyyy messages I sent him ***], will give me a chance to reopen the cold case I have become.
Meoww my stomach is loud asf and I need to pick up my trenchcoat and black suit jacket, before the dry cleaner’s close (05:45 PM). I need to quickly shower etc fastt. Plus we’re out of bread and I’m in the mood for bread with truffle cheese and ginger jam.
Groceries:
Brood
Gemberjam
Activia yoghurt met vijgensmaak
Nog meer beleg¿
So I’m going to shower and attempt to make a rested impression using make-up etc, cycle to the grocery store, eat “breakfast” and cycle to the dry cleaner’s. And then Thai boxing starts at 18:30…Meoww I actually think that I prefer to go back to bed, instead of going boxing. I can also go boxing tomorrow, since I already did a full-body work-out yesterday.And not going will give me plenty of time to elaborate on the three asterisks I wrote when I very indirectly mentioned the depths of my cold case. A case that touches on both my police record and my medical record.
To be continued xxx
~~~
17:10 (05:10 PM)
Thunder strikes… I’m going to use the metro and I’m skipping make-up… And breakfast… Typing diary posts is time consuming haha…
And all I can think of is the water on the other side of the dyke(s) getting higher x_x
~~~
19:32 (07:32 PM)
I picked up my stuff at the dry cleaner’s and I entered full pet mode.
Zero Suit Samus is indestructible in the Super Smash Bros’ Adventure mode on the Switch x_x
There’s some salmon I’ll prepare for dinner (my breakfast) and then I’ll update you with an update of the cold case I’ve been speaking of since I started this blog.
~~~
21:12 (09:12 PM)
Topped with only parsley, lemon slices and a bit of sea salt, by means of keeping it simple
Here’s an update about my cold case [that what is in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I] – in which I am (currently still) my own detective (but I hope I’ll finally get the justice I deserve):
Last week Friday, my mother told me that my B called her to tell her that he’ll do whatever it takes, to help me out. And that they’ll be in touch again, when he’s back in/near Rotterdam, to schedule the date, time and location. She told me that she was terrified from making that phonecall. I couldn’t respond to the statement about fear, because I can get very defensive when people judge my B, while he’s very important to me, and they don’t know a thing about us. She wasn’t terrified when she accused an innocent man of kidnapping me. And when she said that me saying that I’ve met him in private, was a psychosis.
So today, after a few days of mentally preparing myself to stay calm when I hear more negative judgment (because of solidarity and my interest in anything that relates to my B) I asked why their conversation was terrifying to her. She said that it was because she was suddenly speaking in English, to a man she has never met before, and that she could barely understand her when he, in Dutch, told her “sterkte”. (It saddens me that my B sees and hears my experience alongside his own experience, and that he has heard this insult through me, and that he now still has to talk to her to continue making that appointment.)
They were both mailing each other back and forth about how worried they are about me. I hope I’ll know a time where people stop saying that I, who have no such intentions, who try to make a difference, too, cause worry over absolutely nothing.
I asked them if they already had a time and location in mind. She said that we’ll meet “on neutral territory”, so not at her (and my (theoretically)) house and also not at his house. (Which is too bad, because I think the house I live in is “neutral” enough to discuss this in.) She still believes that brain-to-brain communication is impossible.
According to her, the “one-time conversation” will either be at a location she then rents or at the Erasmus University, she said. And that she’ll be the only other person present at the conversation.
I told her that I really do not want her to spend money on this. I prefer to get a chance to speak to him alone – because sooo much has happened in the past two years and I actually just want to hug him for far too long and be happy that my suffering will finally be over and that I then finally see someone who is truly capable of understanding me.
But I said that if the conversation needs to be done in front of the eyes of someone who is trustable to my mother, then at least my sister should be present. I’d be happy if she’d finally hear my side of the story and “see proof”.
I said that, if the first time seeing him after two years of hell really has to be in a public place, we should just claim an entire lecture hall, when it’s free. (Maybe in the evening?) And then say that whoever knows about my/our case is welcome to come and hear everything about me going missing and everything that came from that.
Meoww I’m going to make myself some tea, eat something light and start a new diary post day xxx
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Need to clean kitchen
WHO THE FUUUUUUCK IS EARNING FROM THIS ?!!?!!!?!THAT PERSON MAY DIE. I HAVE WORKED WAY TOOOOOO FUCKING HARD FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT IS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW !!!! LOOK AT HOW THE COPYRIGHT TEXT SAYS “DO NOT RESELL” . THAT FUCKING IGNORANT BASTARD !!!! (I bet it’s multiple people.)~~~~
Late night bookkeeping horaaaay.
Fangs on 