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Cold Case 2 & Bookkeeping [Wednesday, April 3, 2019]

02:05 (AM)

[(As usual) I’m elaborating on what I said yesterday.]

To prevent more distortion in the story about me, I think a “public debate” (though I wanted to keep things simple and private, but that is not an option) would be good. To let both sides of the story about me be heard at one occasion, and let people then form their own opinions. Instead of just following those lies that were spread about me, when I was “missing”.

I would appreciate it a lot, if we could stir in my debate about Keynes and the practices of the alternative sustainable financial system I’d like to put into practice. Meow the encounter is such a good opportunity to share ideas xd.

It took a very long time – two years, instead of the two weeks I expected – but I couldn’t be happier with the way it’s playing out.

This one encounter is the reason why I started to share my story. So that people can get the chance to form their own opinions, instead of following my parents’ right away, when hell breaks loose again, once I’ll leave them for good, after I’m finally reunited with he who does understand me.

Ever since my parents forbade me to see dr. Crutzen, who can add sooooooo much depth to my business strategy, in a way no one else can, I was lost. I was very disappointed in them, for their interference.

All my life, they’ve been breathing down my neck for good grades and anything else that is important when you want to see your child successful and wealthy. So I was so shocked, when they started to prohibit my business from thriving.

The fights we were having because of this, caused me to never want to speak to them again. This want has never changed. (My financial situation keeps it from happening. I’m basically bankrupt x_x. I can’t move out…)

I felt very depressed after being forced to let go of the person who had become so important to me in a very short period of time. My parents went as far as forcing me to undergo psychiatric treatment for this. I’ve been forced to take many types of antipsychotics.

My (low-budget, because then, too, I was broke) way to escape the psychiatric treatment I could not escape from, was running from home. I’ve told them plenty of times that I did not want that treatment and that they should fucking listen to me. So I was shocked to hear that they reported me missing, when it was clear to me that if you do not accept the terms under which I wish to live in the household of which I, too, make part, those people can get the fuck out of my life.

Everyone who is capable of believing that I have ever not been able to find my way home, and who believes that I’m a schizophrenic, can stay the fuck out of my life. I’m everything except an individual who can not handle the mental. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the few who dares and is able to think of solutions to the fucking shit world we live in.

The reason why all of this pisses me off so fucking much, is because they had the nerve to ignore my wishes, let me be diagnosed with schizophrenia and live stigmatized, without ever asking dr. Crutzen for his side of the story. They believed that he was only my professor, but that I didn’t even attend his class and that I only believed that I had a connection with him, because I had been smoking too much weed.

The fact that he wants to help me end the hell I’ve been living through, already gives them an indication that they’ve been VERYYYYYYYY wrong for saying that I’ve never spoken to him in private. And my encounter with him will prove everything else I’ve been saying, too.

I really hope that, if my mother and dr. Crutzen really decide to make it big, my Vicje, Sander and Lorenzo will be present as well, and that they would like to become my ambassadors ๐Ÿ˜€ . And that every motherfucker involved in putting me through that psychiatric hell will be present, too, so that I can personally tell them that I’m going to sue them all for emotionally destroying me.

That was a very little summary of the shit I’ve been living through in the past two years. I hope the conclusion – which is the encounter – will come soon. I want to finally leave this all behind and focus on what is really important: D.O.C.I.S. International.

So meoww, today, I’m going to be hoping that my B calls my mother to arrange things, while I do my bookkeeping (both business and personal) [I’m going to make my Access database for it today…] and attend a boxing class.

I’m now going to attempt to sleep, while on the inside, as usual, I’m still raging because of the ignored injustice I’ve been living through all this time and people turning their backs on me et cetera.

Good night โ™ฅ

~~~

14:43 (02:43 PM)

Meoww my preference for our first encounter really is something private, though. A public debate is much nicer when it’s well-prepared (by both sides). And there are far too many emotions I’ve had to hide for two years, so I’d really like a moment to combine the sadness of my two years of hell (if not more), with the extreme happiness that will come from seeing him and all of this finally being over, in private.

I hope we’ll take some good pictures together. And that we’ll co-write many things!!!

Guess where I’m at? Still in bed x_x. My stomach as earsplitting as usual.

Meoww I feel so tired, still ๐Ÿ™ . I should make an appointment to see my doctor in Germany, but the journey of visiting him is tiring as well (just thinking of it makes me feel as if I’ll collapse on the way there), and I’m crazy broke. I feel like bed petting all day again x_x. Aside from making my own bookkeeping database, of course.

I don’t know if I should go boxing today. I love getting rid of my cropped up anger, but doing that in a group, with the risk of entering a new/boosting a gossip scheme, whenever I do something odd, as the newcomer… I’ve been too alone for too long to be able to enjoy a non-business-related group setting, I feel.

Especially because I fuuucking hate mainstream media and don’t give a fuck about celebrity gossip et cetera, I don’t feel like meeting new people. I just want my Graeynissis…

~~~

18:09 (06:09 PM)

Heyy I have this random accounting question I’d like to ask a Graeyniss:

When I buy a WordPress plugin to improve my services, is that plugin than accounted for as an asset with monetary value?

Because in reality, digital products are worthless, but I do have paid for it…

I’m making a VBA application for my personal bookkeeping, because regular software is not programmed for my situation, where all business expenses are done from my personal account.

~~~

19:52 (07:52 PM)

The same question goes for the purchase of a license for a virus scanner… I’ll now account for it as “general operating expense”.

~~~

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Cold Case [Tuesday, April 2, 2019]

15:53 (03:53 PM)

Hi โ™ฅ

Just like yesterday and manyyy days before that, I’m still in bed (around this time)… I’m not outing how much of a bed pet I am that often – in comparison with how often I’m exhausted and self-cuddly like this.

That’s because it’s my guilty pleasure… Dutch culture is all about getting up early and doing things together, saying that you contribute to society. My bed pettiness is considered a symptom of the illness I believe I do not have (schizophrenia), so I’m very incentivized to not shout it from the rooftops.

I reallyyy can’t wait until I see my B, because – whether or not he confirms or denies our brain-to-brain communication – the “hang out” that will soon take place, including him, my parents(, my sister (if she doesn’t have other plans)) and maybe other people [I’m not sure, because my mother is arranging this with him, because there are many reasons why he can’t reply to the manyyy messages I sent him ***], will give me a chance to reopen the cold case I have become.

Meoww my stomach is loud asf and I need to pick up my trenchcoat and black suit jacket, before the dry cleaner’s close (05:45 PM). I need to quickly shower etc fastt. Plus we’re out of bread and I’m in the mood for bread with truffle cheese and ginger jam.

Groceries:

  • Brood
  • Gemberjam
  • Activia yoghurt met vijgensmaak
  • Nog meer belegยฟ

So I’m going to shower and attempt to make a rested impression using make-up etc, cycle to the grocery store, eat “breakfast” and cycle to the dry cleaner’s. And then Thai boxing starts at 18:30…Meoww I actually think that I prefer to go back to bed, instead of going boxing. I can also go boxing tomorrow, since I already did a full-body work-out yesterday.And not going will give me plenty of time to elaborate on the three asterisks I wrote when I very indirectly mentioned the depths of my cold case. A case that touches on both my police record and my medical record.

To be continued xxx

~~~

17:10 (05:10 PM)

Thunder strikes… I’m going to use the metro and I’m skipping make-up… And breakfast… Typing diary posts is time consuming haha…

And all I can think of is the water on the other side of the dyke(s) getting higher x_x

~~~

19:32 (07:32 PM)

I picked up my stuff at the dry cleaner’s and I entered full pet mode.

Zero Suit Samus is indestructible in the Super Smash Bros’ Adventure mode on the Switch x_x

There’s some salmon I’ll prepare for dinner (my breakfast) and then I’ll update you with an update of the cold case I’ve been speaking of since I started this blog.

~~~

21:12 (09:12 PM)

Topped with only parsley, lemon slices and a bit of sea salt, by means of keeping it simple

Here’s an update about my cold case [that what is in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I] – in which I am (currently still) my own detective (but I hope I’ll finally get the justice I deserve):

Last week Friday, my mother told me that my B called her to tell her that he’ll do whatever it takes, to help me out. And that they’ll be in touch again, when he’s back in/near Rotterdam, to schedule the date, time and location. She told me that she was terrified from making that phonecall. I couldn’t respond to the statement about fear, because I can get very defensive when people judge my B, while he’s very important to me, and they don’t know a thing about us. She wasn’t terrified when she accused an innocent man of kidnapping me. And when she said that me saying that I’ve met him in private, was a psychosis.

So today, after a few days of mentally preparing myself to stay calm when I hear more negative judgment (because of solidarity and my interest in anything that relates to my B) I asked why their conversation was terrifying to her. She said that it was because she was suddenly speaking in English, to a man she has never met before, and that she could barely understand her when he, in Dutch, told her “sterkte”. (It saddens me that my B sees and hears my experience alongside his own experience, and that he has heard this insult through me, and that he now still has to talk to her to continue making that appointment.)

They were both mailing each other back and forth about how worried they are about me. I hope I’ll know a time where people stop saying that I, who have no such intentions, who try to make a difference, too, cause worry over absolutely nothing.

I asked them if they already had a time and location in mind. She said that we’ll meet “on neutral territory”, so not at her (and my (theoretically)) house and also not at his house. (Which is too bad, because I think the house I live in is “neutral” enough to discuss this in.) She still believes that brain-to-brain communication is impossible.

According to her, the “one-time conversation” will either be at a location she then rents or at the Erasmus University, she said. And that she’ll be the only other person present at the conversation.

I told her that I really do not want her to spend money on this. I prefer to get a chance to speak to him alone – because sooo much has happened in the past two years and I actually just want to hug him for far too long and be happy that my suffering will finally be over and that I then finally see someone who is truly capable of understanding me.

But I said that if the conversation needs to be done in front of the eyes of someone who is trustable to my mother, then at least my sister should be present. I’d be happy if she’d finally hear my side of the story and “see proof”.

I said that, if the first time seeing him after two years of hell really has to be in a public place, we should just claim an entire lecture hall, when it’s free. (Maybe in the evening?) And then say that whoever knows about my/our case is welcome to come and hear everything about me going missing and everything that came from that.

Meoww I’m going to make myself some tea, eat something light and start a new diary post day xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Grrr [Monday, April 1, 2019]

03:54 (AM)

The most important part of my list is done. My websites are updated with The Hypothesis.

I’m now going to relax until I may finally see the person who I really want to have in my life. I have worked very hard, though unpaid, and have deserved a moment to relax my brain.

Of course, I’m tasked with making dinner today. Other than that, I’m going to do non-business-related things I’m in the mood for. Yes, on a Monday.

~~~

19:00 (07:00 PM)

I decided to “keep it simple”. So that I have enough time to visit the gym ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Oh my godd and when I get the attention I deserve, I am going to destroyyyy the Dutch health care system. They keep charging me with random shit, saying it’s “eigen bijdrage” (aside from the mandatory montly subscription), while I can’t even go to the doctor in this god forsaken country.

(Because my physician believes that I’m a schizophrenic and therefore my health complaints are not real to her, and the phycisian is “the gateway to access to health care” in this system. I find that she deserves to be put in her place for discriminating me. This is memtion in my diary in detail quite a few times.)

~~~

22:17 (10:17 PM)

The gym was niceee *heart eyes cat emoji*. I love to decompress.

I was just doing my warming up and my heart rate shows 166… for what? I was not even sprinting… Tachycardia strikes again (alwaysss) x_x.

It was my first time visiting “the new gym”, now that the previous gym I was a member of, has done a buy-out on its property.

It’s “nice” that it’s right next to the dyke, because that really makes me feel like running. (You know, just looking at it and visualizing the IJssel raiding down it. I fear not being able to survive, by drowning in an attempt to escape the high-speed waves x_x.) And it’s much closer to “home” than the previous gym. Plus, they have better punching bags ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m going for a Thai boxing class tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Now I’m going to finish my second dinner (because gym sessions make me crazy hungry), take a shower and brain-to-brain communication chill with my B (which is what, truthfully, I always do when I’m alone (which is alwaysssss)) until I fall asleeep.

Good night ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

(The new update for the WordPress app I use on my phone, causes me to not be able to use non-basic emojis in my updates anymore ๐Ÿ™ . )

~~~

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To-do List [Sunday, March 31, 2019]

04:13 (AM)

Meoww I fear being called a schizophrenic for being awake so late/early still. Are the lights too dim?

These are a few of my answers to the questions in The Hypothesis:

Meoww

I came across this:

Jong geleerd

Is oud gedaan

~~~

11:08 (AM)~~~

11:25 (AM)

Meanwhile, there’s this hypothesis “how I’m going to get the fuck out of my parents’ house” I’ve also been working on for quite a while. It involves my B ๐Ÿ˜€ .

And I have a candidate for my CouncilCorrection: I do nottt.

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Episode 5 [Saturday, March 30, 2019]

03:33 (AM)

If all goes well, my newest book will be online this evening. I’m quite proud of the cover I created for it:

Major upgrade ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s 30/03 03:33. Make a wish!

Haha meow I wish everyone with a good heart a lot of success in life.

Bad people I don’t wish this, because that makes the world worse.

That typing was quite random. I’m off to beddd xxx

~~~

23:23 (11:23 PM)

My new episode is online ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m doing some revisions… 84 mini pages, themed with a new democracy ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Websites D.O.C.I.S. International and LilFangs.com have to be updated with the programme of what is to come, too, still. This reminds me of what I said on March 18th. I found that by searching the word “bullshit” on my blog xd.

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Clarityยฟ [Friday, March 29, 2019]

00:47 (12:47 AM)

Meoww I just made my comment section as well as my forum fully open, instead of requiring login at the forum and name and e-mail for comments. From analyzing my statistics, I see that this isn’t a place for visits that are that frequent, compared to visiting Facebook, whatever news source or Google or something, so the incentive to make an account isn’t that large, I guess. I find it all too quiet, so I hope this will help me get some more social action on here ๐Ÿ™‚ . Especially now that The Hypothesis will be released… Tomorrow…? Meoww to be honest, I have a lot to write, still, but I’m trying my best to have it online in time, which is why I’m going to continue again, after this legally bought still illegal smoke.

It doesn’t sound very right, but I just feel more as though I can share what I really think, instead of all of these nuanced statements, when I’ve done this… Meoww I hope you’ll read it, when it’s finished, hopefully tomorrow night ๐Ÿ™‚ .

~~~

18:32 (06:32 PM)

Next week, I’ll see my B ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m so happy to hear that he is willing to do whatever it takes, to help me launch my career! I’ll try to convince him to become a publicist and ambassador of D.O.C.I.S. International! ๐Ÿ˜€

Meanwhile, I’m busy working on the last book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series, which has got me swampeddd xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

The Niss Continues [Thursday, March 28, 2019]

15:45 (03:45 PM)

Meoww I have some news for you, but no definitive news yet, unfortunately. The pro and contra camps have been defined further.

I was invited to lunch and had one of the best one-sided sandwiches I’ve ever had:

“Broodje Jofel”

The reason was to tell me that the phone conversation has been postponed and to say that my e-mails have scared off my B so much that he’s now more scared off? I haven’t read the message in which he told my mother this, because she kept reiterating that I should stop sending him e-mails, because that was, according to her, what he has told her.

If I read another e-mail about him mailing things about me to her, I’d just feel like mailing him more. And it would hurt me so much if I’d read those words – even though it could have also never been said, or be a misinterpretation. So I have chosen not to read the message he sent to her and wait for when he (phone) calls her from his office… I don’t understand why she doesn’t propose to meet him in person right away, like we both proposed.

The rest of our conversation was – just like the rest of them in the past two years – about “what if” situations, regarding my connection with him.

The discussion of the past two years, is, sad but true, basically: “Why aren’t B and I BFF’s, if we can communicate with brain-to-brain communication”. The conclusion of my insanity has been drawn, without any confirmation of him. In the past two years, I’ve been keeping my foot down about that that conclusion can’t be drawn, without his official statement. They’ve ignored that, the case has been closed and I’ve lived my life stigmatized as a schizophrenic. But after 1001 “family conversations” where they speculate about how he feels about this, I’ve typed an e-mail for my mother to send him, requesting to solve this problem once and for all.

Contra – not my side – is all about “what if he says that he wants nothing to do with you at all”. A big theme in our lunch conversation.

As long as he still wants to take the time to go over my entire case and seek for a solution, that can’t be assumed, I believe.

If that’s how he feels, then he could have also e-mailed my mother to tell her that both her and I should stop messaging him and that we should both leave him alone for all eternity, instead of meeting to talk in person et cetera. Of course, it’s something I do keep in the back of my head, because as long as he hasn’t confirmed either pro or contra, anything is possible.

Pro – only I – is basically “my family (mainly my mother and her husband, in this case) are not open to this supernatural ability and will get us in trouble with police and psychiatry again, if he confirms it, which is why he doesn’t”.

Look at all that has happened to me, when I (was obliged by them to) out(ed) my sense perceptions. He is an adult with a serious career and a family, so he really can’t even risk to undergo the same shit.

My mother et alia claim that they will be fully open, tolerant, et cetera, when he possibly outs that he can hear me reason and always knows my true feelings and whereabouts. But I really wonder if they would still claim the same thing, if they find out that the ability goes as far as that he can feel it, too, when I touch myself. (Not that I’d ever encourage him to share that, but still…) I really doubt that they would say “Sure, go ahead and make a world trip with him,” – which is something they do not even expect the slightest bit in the first place – if they hear both of us claim that our souls are literally intertwined, instead of just me claiming that all by myself (for the past two years). Then why on earth portray him as a kidnapper in the first place…

I believe that his distance is strategic self-defense. That he might be waiting until I have – like I’ve always wanted, either with or without him – distanced myself from those who have damaged our reputation and might continue to do so, so that we can develop the rest of our endeavor in private.

But now that many people claim that I’m a schizophrenic, they feel the need to “care for me”, lecture me on life (fucking annoying, because their (proletarian) “wisdom” is very fucking useless to me), keep me close to them and ask me for favors. It’s hard to get them out of my life, and my desire to distance myself from them is regarded as a symptom. It’s not a fucking symptom.

I just want to be seen as and treated like the person who I really am. It’s clear that I need to move to another country to get anywhere near accomplishing that. Or at least surround myself with people who can see that I’m not a schizophrenic, but very supernatural. If only I could be with my Graeynissis there ๐Ÿ™ .

So now they’ll talk on the phone like tomorrow or something? Meoow I just want to see him in person ๐Ÿ™ . Maybe even hug him, if I may… But the distance my mother keeps by wanting to discuss this over the phone – oh yes she told me that I can’t be given his phone number, with the risk of me sending him messages on there, but I haven’t read his message and I know she doesn’t want me to have him in my life anyway, so I’m not sure if it’s true, and hearing that was so painful that I really didn’t dare to look at the message, especially with my tachycardia and literal heartache – team contra has a great advantage.

Tonight my mother, father (??? I now don’t know if he’s my father or not. I don’t think so, especially because of the fact that I look quite mulatto, but they keep denying it), sister and I are going out for dinner. They should just invite my B to come along x_x. Instead of mailing to arrange a phone conversation to arrange a meeting in person.

Aah meow I feel so alone x_x. I’m going to continue writing xxx

~~~

23:16 (11:16 PM)

Meoww dinner was tasty. In my favorite restaurant in Rotterdam: Langoest ๐Ÿ™‚ . I try something new every time I go there and love it every time.

1/2 lobster

Cod

5 cheeses ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to continue writing a little and then head to beddd xxx

~~~

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Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]

21:24 (09:24 PM)

I hadn’t shared this in my diary yet, but the decisive moment that will either confirm my supernatural hearing, or confirm my schizophrenia, will take place tomorrow morning. Schizophrenia had been confirmed starting two years ago, but my side of the story and the story of my only witness, have not been included in that case. I might finally have a shot at clearing my name and be reunited with someone I love so dearly.

Actually, that moment would take place today, but my B his trains were delayed, so it has been postponed to tomorrow morning. This announcement was made at the end of the afternoon. I spent all that time in bed, being nervous. It’s about a phone call that will take place between my mother and Benoรฎt Crutzen.

In a way, I’m glad that it didn’t take place today, because she wasn’t even home when he’d call. I want to hear their conversation myself, instead of hearing a summary that might include a bias. I’d also be happy to hear his voice again. After so long ๐Ÿ™ .

I must say that I already feel like I could win this, because he’s willing to make time for me. After my parents falsely called the cops on both of us (something I’ll never be at peace with), conversations have been all about how he wants nothing to do with me. And look at the situation I’m in now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Yess it’s quite painful that he doesn’t reply to any of my messages, but maybe this is an even better way anyway. Since I could not do anything with him (talking, business, chilling, or something else) without the approval of my parents. I feel too old for this shitt, but meow these are the cards I can play.

My focus has been all over the place for the past few weeks, dealing with many forms of emotional pain. I’ve been working on my newest book – today as well – but I really don’t know if I’ll succeed in releasing it on the 30th. Especially because I also want to renew the D.O.C.I.S. International website to something with more images and a greater focus on the non-profit aspect of the business. And I want to have finished the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page. All to boost that one release…

These underrated self-guided projects are starting to tire me a lot, mentally. I need a team. But I won’t stop doing everything by myself, until I’ve found the right people to work with.

I’m going to continue to work on the new Nosce Te Ipsum release, until the conversation takes place, tomorrow morning… This might sound crazy, but that conversation will determine my future and my will to live. If my witness, my B, denies my abilities, I’ve been wrongly keeping my foot down for the past two years, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a schizophrenic who doesn’t agree with the diagnosis. If he confirms my abilities, I can clear my name and hopefully kickstart my real career.

It’s nerve wracking, but very much worth ittt. I hope to bring you positive news tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

~~~

The featured image is made by Burst.

I chose this image, because it shows exactly how I wrapped myself up in bed today. The way I often do, when things get nerve wracking or emotionally painful.
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The Sound [Tuesday, March 26, 2019]

08:23 (AM)

Good morning! โ™ฅ

It’s like I can hear the sound of our “once a month” air alarm build up in the far distance. And today is not the first Monday of the month… If “it” would happen today, I wouldn’t mind. I would be happy with the cognitive challenge. To finally live under circumstances where most of my talents aren’t wasted. Even though things might become critical, I’d be happy to see a new side of life and for the balance of nature to restore.

I always wake up when I hear people get ready for work/school. And that currently very subtle sound, triggers my senses.

Meoww I’m going to continue working on my hypothesis xxx

~~~

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“Reminiscing” & Writing [Monday, March 25, 2019]

14:15 (02:15 PM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

My long term goal is to put my concepts for the development of my non-profit publishing and charity business into a multifunctional non-profit multinational, into practice.

It’s not simple, to find funding for this concept. So I’m very glad that yesterday, when I was thinking of finding another way to prove my expertise, I came across the University of Antwerp, which seems to have a very simple admission process, which, for this curriculum, apparently closed on the 14th of March. I hope I can still get in…

In that way, I can prove my expertise, claim a better salary and, once I have obtained at least 60 credits – haha yes I don’t have yet x_x – I could enroll in the program for student-entrepreneurs. It would solve my problem of having become far too attached to my bed.

In the period in which I wasn’t posting diary posts, I’ve gone to a couple of Meetup (that social media app) events. One about sustainable finance, another “shut up and write”, one about financial independence and one about public speaking.

Oh, and I have also worked as a street enquรชteur for one day, when I was not diary posting. Approaching people who work in the business park of Schiphol Airport, from 7 AM until 10 AM, asking them if they make use of the “free sharing bike”, of which the funding might be cut. (Including two hours of travelling with metro and bus, to where I stayed in Amsterdam. It was for less than โ‚ฌ30 in total, and I still haven’t claimed it yet. (I just thought of it, and was texted the “claim your income through our online portal” instructions later.)) I have pictures and videos of me doing that. There must be pictures and videos of me at those events as well, but I’m not on Facebook anymore.

I had to get up at 5 AM for this. I was tired while filming this… Oh meoww my phone can’t handle uploading the videos, so I’ll try to upload them via my computer ๐Ÿ™‚ . For that, I’ll have to abandon my sweet bed. Also because I’m hungry and I want to continue writing. There’s quite a lot on my list, for the release of The Hypothesis, still…

Here’s a picture:

Bed petje doing “semi-“field work. This was on the 27th of February.

It was fun, but I felt like it was too far below the complexity of labor I can handle. That’s why the job hunt – even though I would rather work on the Project Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign – is going so very slow.

Meowws my mother will send my B another message soon – still too random that this now goes via her – so I still have a bit of hope for even better options than studying in Antwerp full-time or submitting myself to the work week of 40 hours for another boss ( = not me) again, until I find another suitable (and affordable) university.

I’m going to leave my bed and work on my most recent book xxx

~~~

18:59 (06:59 PM)

Meowww ๐Ÿ™

I have to work on my release, to keep up my non-marketed publishing schedule of publishing something on the 30th of every month. But I’m so tired and there’s so much work to do, still. I’m talking unfinished chapters ๐Ÿ™ . And making the cover et cetera. To release something I could be seriously proud of, I need more time (and a budget higher than โ‚ฌ0). Aah meow and this heartache x_x.

I’m going to bed pet ๐Ÿ™ .

I made a picture earlier, of myself in pet mode:

I don’t think I’ll upload that video today ๐Ÿ™ .

Sad petje will go to bed now, and continue to write later xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cooking & Strategizing [Sunday, March 24, 2019]

16:58 (04:58 PM)

My love โ™ฅ

An impulsive Google Search session earlier today, has inspired me to follow a new and more effective strategy to achieve my goals.

I will tell you all about it, but first I’ll be taking care of dinner, because my writing makes me very hungry.

So I’ll be making this three course meal, as I wait for my relatives to come home. I’m going to make an improvisation of mashed potatoes, a combination of spinach and read coal with apples, “Caribbean shrimp” and parsnip-asparagus soup. And I bought ice cream for dessert ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Ingredients semi-simple three course meal

The basic ingredients

I’ll make a seperate article for the dish. I’ll be back here, when I’m done cooking xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Shifting [Saturday, March 23, 2019]

21:47 (09:47 PM)

Good evening โ™ฅ

I hope you’re having a great weekend. Mine is… Turbulent…

Since yesterday, I moved back in with my parents. It was a very tough decision to make, due to all that has happened in the past, of which I do not want to see ANOTHER rerun. But aside from the heated argument between my father and I – the disagreements are the reason why I prefer to move out as soon as possible – in this restaurant where we had lunch yesterday, things are relatively peaceful.

Most of our disagreements are about the situation with my B, and the career path I live after. I hope that – since my mother and he have been speaking of discussing my case – there will be clarity soon.

Aside from the random turbulence in my life, I’m swamped with the deadline of the new Nosce Te Ipsum episode, which I’m going to continue working on xxxxxxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Wtfยฟ [Thursday, March 21, 2019]

01:17 (AM) 

This is a very interesting feature of Rotterdam: 

And at my parents (“and my”) house it’s -4,5

The interesting center of Rotterdam… 🤔

According to the nearest surrounding points of flood height (and thus depth of land) it seems to be where the flood starts, if here nothing happens at all. 

Meoww I’m going to eat some soup, watch some more elections tv and go to sleepp

Love youu

โ™ฅ

~~~

15:24 (03:24 PM) 

Jeeeeeez today is a heavily turbulent day. Weeks ago, I planned to be fully focused on writing today. But it seems like I’ll have to pick up my belongings in Amsterdam. Because the “if you sleep in Amsterdam, Jamiro will not sleep at home” rule stays active. And I don’t want to be a homewrecker. 

So right now, I’m in the metro, on my way to pick up my mother’s car, so that I can drive to Amsterdam and empty my room there, and then move that stuff to the house of my parents. And then I’m going back to my grandma’s house. Staying at my parents’ home is not an option to me. 

~~~

22:43 (10:43 PM) 

Emptying my room in Amsterdam took quite some time. The grandchildren of the home owners helped me a little. I also helped Genesis a little with “mathematics”. I’m going to miss them ๐Ÿ™ . 

The left page we did together, the right page is for her self-practice.

After I put all of my stuff in the car, we quickly “talked everything through”. Because I hadn’t spoken to Jamiro ever since this abnormal situation (I mean the “not staying at home rule”) emerged. His father, the home owner of the home we have all lived in, was present at the conversation of 5 minutes as well. 

Jamiro told me something I already knew, which is that most people don’t find it normal to lay in each other’s bed. When I did this to him, I did not yet know that he does not find this normal, I told him. 

Then his father said that what I did was way worse, because I dropped sexual hints. I wanted to say that it is none of his motherfucking business what I have said. But I don’t rage at people when they have paid for things for me, it’s not my home and I’m still able to find my happy place. 

Using himself as an example “If I say something sexual to you, what would you think of that,” type of stuff. I consider that very incomparable, but whatever. I don’t care about gender and age. It’s all equal to me. I kept it short. The situation was ruined since that stupid rule. I let him finish his speech, gave him my pros and cons and left. Not long afterwards returned to hand in my key (I forgot). Then left again. 

I dropped my many belongings off in my bedroom at my parents’ house. Then my mother asked me what my plan is now that I am not staying in Amsterdam anymore. I told her “Find a job or something, continue my search for an investor, whatever,” I have a fucking book I want to publish. Then she said that the success of those things are not guaranteed, and that I should just move back in with them. I told her that I don’t want to – which is nothing new – and then I left. 

This feels worse than my first heartbreak. To have this one action draw a wedge between me and someone I love and cherish so much. I don’t give a fuck about the rest. But my Jam catje ๐Ÿ™ . I feel like crying so bad. But I can only cry when I’m fully by myself, or when I have a shoulder to cry on. I have no fucking shoulder to cry on. Most of my friends and relatives are the reason why I want to cry anyway. I thought my catje was an exception. In my mind, he still is an exception ๐Ÿ™ . 

I hope I can find my focus to write tomorrow. And that my heartbreak will be over very soon. And that I’ll somehow find my own place to live even sooner, because these tears are very hard to hold back.

I’m going to lay down

Good night โ™ฅ

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Voting & Writing [Wednesday, March 20, 2019]

13:05 (01:05 PM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

My original plan was to write, vote, smoke some (I quit from December 9th until the day before I reopened my diary), write, eat and sleep. But my mother has asked me to join her for lunch like 30 minutes ago, and I can’t say no to good quality foods. Especially not when I’m hungry… 

It’s a lot harder for me to get out of bed, now that I feel my time to write vanish into thin air, and the load of shitty conversation that’s ahead of me. 

But I have to get out of bed, to be ready in time (which is tough, since it’s at least 20 minutes to travel there, I still need to shower and I said that I could make 13:30). I wasn’t done laking yet, so I couldn’t get up before this. And I had to share my shitty feeling with you. Who else can I share it with ๐Ÿ™ . I’m going to take a shower xxx

~~~

14:47 (02:47 PM) 

I’m very near the metro stop near my parents’ house now. Actually, it’s “my house”, too. But in a house in which I would have a real voice, I wouldn’t allow any snakes inside ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

So I’m going to vote, eat the food I took with me, smoke some while my parents are at their therapist in Amsterdam, and then head back to my grandma’s place and hope that Jamiro hits me up… 

~~~

15:10 (03:10 PM) 

I just voted haha… 

For the water authorities

Indirectly for “the First Chamber”

Meowwss

It was very calm at the voting bureau. I was expecting to stand in line, but I didn’t have to. 

What my policy would be? This. And my voters would/will be my beneficiaries.

~~~

16:00 (04:00 PM) 

I’m going to play some piano and then continue writing for The Hypothesis. 

I hope you’re having a great day ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

~~~

16:15 (04:15 PM) 

Online stemmen tellenยฟ

~~~

20:00 (08:00 PM)

My parents will bring takeout dinner along for me, to “our” home. It has been quite a while since I laid in my own bed, by myself. December 30th was the last day I slept in my own bedยฟ 

I couldn’t help but take a little nap… 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

The Hypothesis [Tuesday, March 19, 2019]

12:17 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Meoww I hoped that I would have found investors by the time the final episode of the first book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series will be released. But low budget Fangs is still getting at it… 

The last episode is what I still want to use for the overall campaign for raising awareness on D.O.C.I.S. International as a whole. So I’ll just finish that and continue my search for investors. Now, my focus has shifted, though. The weeks before this, I was working on my Overture and correspondence with the case manager who helps me find an investor. Who I should contact. But first, I’ll finish the last episode. 

There’s quite a lot I need to type out, still. Marketing is another thing I should make a new strategy for – especially now that I’m still investorless at this point – but that’s for later. Maybe this marketing catje wants to help me out… ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Anywayy, I’m going to get out of bed, shower, eat and write for the rest of the day. I’ll leave another message for you later today xxx. 

~~~

16:29 (04:29 PM) 

Tomorrow is a day to vote. It has been quite a while since I’ve voted. De Provinviale Staten en Waterschapsverkiezingen. I’m going to vote “Blanco”. By declaring my vote invalid. There are a ton of names on that voting paper. Parties like “D66, GroenLinks, FvD, PVV, VVD,” et cetera. Then you choose the “lijsttrekker”ยฟ [that’s a name]  And then I will write: “Der Fangs Partij, Dominique Daniรซlle Elia [or Crutzenยฟ], This vote is now declared invalid, because this name is not on the list. By that, this is called invalid.”

And then I go “home” or something? 

~~~

19:04 (07:04 PM) 

A different way to write “my party name” is PvdF. Daarom is het “Der Fangs Partij” (genitivus) and niet “Die” (nominativus/accusativus).

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Meow x_x [Monday, March 18, 2019]

12:43 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I’m in a “vervoer op maat” (transport for those who can’t travel themselves due to physical circumstances) van, on my way to my parents’ place, together with my grandmother. 

She’s able to travel by herself, but she has this “vervoer op maat” members pass that expires when she doesn’t use it. It’s one of her first times using this. It’s my very first time in a van like this. Secretly hoping that it will never become a habit for any of us. 

She had plans of going shopping with my mother. So I guess I’m joining them, now that I’m not living in Amsterdam anymore all of a sudden. I have my book release to work on, though. Why does bullshit always come up, when I have a fucking deadline x_x. 

~~~

14:02 (02:02 PM) 

Meoww heartache and confusion have increased ๐Ÿ™ . 

It’s like good news that my B has replied to my mother’s e-mail. But it hurts that he does reply to her and doesn’t reply to me. They have been speaking of scheduling a meet-up with him and my parents, is what my mother told me in the car just now. 

I want to see my B ๐Ÿ™ . I’d be jealous of my parents, if they see him before I do. But I would settle for it. It feels really confusing, though, to have been attempting to continue seeing him for two years, and have been trying to arrange it by myself for so long. Then my mother sends one e-mail on my behalf (while I’ve been mailing him as well), and he responds in the same evening. It’s heartache meets confusion. 

And this Jam catje doesn’t want me to text him ๐Ÿ™ . That’s another piece of heartache. I hope we can still become Cuddles ๐Ÿ™ . 

My mother and my grandmother are in the H&M, shopping for trousers for my grandmother. I don’t have any money and I’m tired, so I’m sitting on that bench where men sit when their wife is taking way tooo fucking long in the same store. 

I just want to lay in bed ๐Ÿ™ . Ohh and eat someee… Meow x_x. 

~~~

21:52 (09:52 PM) 

I just entered “my” bed meoww. I’m happy to lie down. I’m sleeping in my grandmother’s bed. I sleep where my grandfather used to sleep. So many of his belongings are still in this house, as if he can still come home at any moment. 

After my grandmother’s shopping, today, I drove my grandmother and I to my mother’s/parents’ house. My mother had an interviewee to judge, for the department she works at. 

I cooked dinner for the family and drank some wine. While sitting at the dinner table, my mother showed me the e-mails. She didn’t want to forward it to me, she said. But I’m so happy that my B wants to meet up and discuss my case. And that her self-typed response to the response makes it overly clear that the initial e-mail was written by me. She told him that “my father” and she will clear their agendas to discuss my case with him. Haha… Not long after that conversation, we left. 

I hope I’m allowed to join the party. I really hope that conversation won’t take place without me. And I hope that it will take place very soon. My agenda is semi-cleared, haha. Tomorrow, I’ll be working on my book release, mostly. (Unless “my parents” are going to meet up with my B and I’m allowed to join the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

And now I’m going to sleeeep

Nighty โ™ฅ

xxx

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Gasppp [Sunday, March 17, 2019]

12:56 (PM) 

Heey โ™ฅ

Meoww I’m still in bed (as usual x_x). I kind of don’t want to ever leave it again. Especially after last night’s: “We need to speak to you tomorrow.” It’s what the woman whose house I’m currently living in, told me last night, before I went to sleep. 

To explain my relationship with her again: she’s the wife of mr. Elia’s (who is “my father”) ex-colleague. They became friends before I was born. That’s why I’ve always considered the children of those family friends, are my cousins. 

But when I secretly went to a coffeeshop to smoke some weed, instead of going to the cinema, I suddenly realized that the love I have for the cousins I have via family friends – thus cousin is actually not the right title we’ve been taught, “as a family” – runs sooo much deeper than any regular family or friend relationship I have. 

I really can’t live without them. Such a great part of my identity, is intertwined with theirs. We have literally and figuratively seen each other grow. In a way we don’t know other people (who have this type of “family”).

When I, in the restaurant, last Friday, looking at the baby daughter of the family friends’ daughter, caught myself with a very random thought, I felt like going crazy. The thought popped up exactly when my eyes drifted off from the little daughter to the son of the family friends. Jamiro, who lives on the top floor of the house I’m currently bed petting in, is he, who once told me that after seeing his baby cousin, he would like to have a child as well. 

I thought: What would our child look like? And then my corrective self thought: He is my male cousin. So I should never think of him like that! But in actuality, we are not from the same family. I’m black and he’s asian… Fucking Surinam. 

And he is fully embedded into my life, he knows so much about me, and I can’t live without him, and so on… Is it wrong, or is it absolutely perfect? 

I guess I’ve been living in denial for quite some time. In the physical realm, then, since he’s already all over my former diary posts… This changed, when I decided to text him when I was “at the cinema”, followed by the day ever. I’ve used the longest build-up ever and included crazy many “insiders only” side-topics. 

I regret doing this all via text, but simultaneously, I don’t. Because it’s the only fully private conversation we can have in this houe… 

Ah, I have been asked to take a shower, to take part in the conversation. I really hope Jamiro will join in ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

~~~

16:56 (04:56 PM) 

My heart is torn into a zillion pieces ๐Ÿ™ . I’ve now packed my bags in such a way that I’ll last for about a week. 

The, “We need to speak to you tomorrow,” was about me laying in Jamiro’s bed on Thursday night. Apparently it shocked him so much that he now does not want to be at home anymore, is what his parents told me. 

So I immediately packed my bags and left, and texted him that he can sleep at home tonight, and did I wouldn’t have done what I did, if I knew that it would have this impact ๐Ÿ™ . 

Waiting for the train

In the train

I thought my days of wandering were over. I’m quite pissed at Jamiro’s parents for giving me such an enormous feeling of guilt. 

They were all like: “You made a mistake laying in “your cousin/brother”‘s bed. What the hell were you thinking?” I told them that I didn’t know that it’s not normal to them. Sleeping next to each other and nudity in general (since I’m actually a nudist (or pantyist, to be exact)), are topics I can easily talk about. I wouldn’t find it weird if he would lay in my bed. In fact, he comes off like someone who would not mind a good genuine non-sexual cuddle before going to sleep. But according to his parents, that observation of mine is incorrect. 

I recorded the entire conversation. I’m so used to fucking snake moves, that I’m now always prepared. I’ve never been so afraid of losing someone. I want to cry ๐Ÿ™ . 

But I won’t! I’m going to drop off my things at my grandmother’s house – since that is where I’ll be staying for the time being – and then head over to Dobro’s place to cook, write and work on an assignment with him. 

Oh my god and yesterday “my father” told me that my other grandmother had a fit of dementia that made her feel so confused, that she went to the police station herself. That is strange on so many levels. The strangest is that he still doesn’t insist that she goes into an old folks home. 

~~~

23:15 (11:15 PM) 

I’m in the metro, on my way back to my grandmother’s place. Chilling was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ . I think I whipped my best mac & cheese this far. It included a courgette and salmon ๐Ÿ˜€ . I forgot to take a picture x_x. 

Andd it was nice to be able to make quite a lot of sense of the assignment he had to make. He’s a third year economics student, so I’m very glad that I can keep up with his level of education ๐Ÿ™‚ . We had to pose a research question for 5 research papers each. 

This is what I came up with. (Haha nu pas spot ik die dubbele “to” x_x.)

My overall conclusion is that the financial system should be replaced as soon as possible. Especially the last question I pose, very indirectly insinuates that same idea of mine hehe… 

~~~

23:55 (11:55 PM) 

I’m watching late night television with my grandmother. I did not expect to be here this night… I thought that I had found the place where the roof above my head is guaranteed with 100%. 

I have lost my orientation of the future, when it comes to having a roof above my head. All I know is that I have a book to publish on the 30th. Oh, and that my mother has sent “dr. Crutzen” an edited version of the mail I typed for her. And that I still need to hear from 2 potential investors?

Who knows what the future holds… Meoww if I’ll find funding for D.O.C.I.S. International, it will be us for sure ๐Ÿ™‚ . Other than that, I’m a sad petje now that I risk losing this Cuddle of mine ๐Ÿ™ . 

I’m off to bed. 

Good night 

I love you ♥

xxx

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Untitled [Saturday, March 16, 2019]

13:26 (01:26 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I just came here to start this post. I’m going to make some homework assignments for Genesis. As in: I’m going to make a couple of homework exercises to help her, the steph-grandchild of the people in whose house I live, go to the next grade with full certainty. 

After the shower is free, so that I don’t have to interrupt myself while I’m busy for her, when go to this birthday party of a family friend. 

Having feelings for family friends is a very trippy topic of conversation, by the way. I feel like such a sad petje right now ๐Ÿ™ . 

~~~

20:31 (08:31 PM) 

Currently, I’m at a birthday party. I had the most interesting conversation with my family friends Tyrone and Keanu, before we left their house, to come to decorate the party location their mother is celebrating her birthday at. Where I am right now, too. 

He told me that the dyke near their house will be raised two meters, that he once saw how there was only a very tiny difference between the height of the water and the tip of the dyke, and that once they had to evacuate due to the high water level. Those are such worrisome topics for teenagers ๐Ÿ™ . 

I seriously plead for more drastic water-safety protocols. Man I really want some governmental power ๐Ÿ™ .

There’s also this tiny harbor and freight storing location in front of their dyke house. Our parents are all really close and stuff.

I haven’t seen them in so long. The last time I saw them, they were veryyy busy with house renovations. That was years ago. But they’re still going steady with it. 

I took this picture in their bathroom

Did you know that I was named after their mother? Her name is Dominique. We’re now celebrating her birthday. Isn’t that hilarious? “Dominique is celebrating her “aunt” Dominique’s birthday” haha… “My aunt” who’s not my blood relative. 

Especially because of the “pallets storing” harbor-ish location in front of their house and the alarm system in my parents’ house, with the tons of fuuucking expensive computers and stuff, I really wonder… Why exactly are they teaching us that we’re family, while they call each other friends? 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Aiiiight [Friday, March 15, 2019]

18:29 (06:29 PM) 

Good evening โ™ฅ

Damn, I was so worried last night. It really made me think… Some times in life, you have to choose between people. Who to keep and who to let go and stuff… 

I always write so much about my life, and how it relates to all the shit the world is in. I’m talking

ALS JE OP DIE FUCKING WATERSCHAPPEN SHIT GAAT STEMMEN. ZET DAN ALSJEBLIEFT MIJN NAAM OP HET FORMULIER.

Haha I’m used to the “stuck on the top floor forever” idea

So if you don’t mind, I’m staying in Amsterdam “until the end of time”. 

If I stay earning at minimum level, but find an investor, I’ll move to Wassenaar and see the wave coming? I wonder why there are so many rich people there, while it’s at such a dangerous place. But they must have some secret escape route, so that’s where I settle, if I settle in the Netherlands. 

In the ideal situation I’ll somehow be able to chase the Sun and move to the United States. 

Meoww I think I’m certain about who I want to keep in my life, in ecological chaos we live in. Sharing it, could terminate my mission. 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Toch Maar Wel? [Thursday, March 14, 2019]

17:27 (05:27 PM) 

My Cuddle! โ™ฅ

I have missed you far too much!!! I never want to feel like that again ๐Ÿ™ . I’m going back to writing diary posts. 

So many feelings were left unexpressed, when I decided to hold myself from doing it. I had a lot of extra time to think and strategize, though, so I have a lot to tell you ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

The impulse to re-open my diary, popped up ten minutes ago, as I looked outside, through the gap through which I can see the sky, in the blinds-shut bedroom I have claimed, here in Amsterdam.  

That impulse gave me the impulse to also leave this bed, take a shower, eat some, and catch some Sun Down Sun, while I still can. While I do that, I’ll tell you everything. 

So I’ll be right back xxx

~~~

20:19 (08:19 PM) 

My impulsive plans changed after the spontaneous visit from my parents, because they were stuck in traffic and decided to stop by. I was socializing, until I left to visit the cinema. 

Anyway, compared to the last time I wrote the diary post, I have a written down (the financial aspects of) my campaign strategy now, for potential investors ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Other than that, aside for some random setbacks, nothing has changed since then. Ohh except two things:

  1. I made my room in Amsterdam tidy. (That sounds like a very random thing to mention, but it was veryyy extreme haha…)
  2. My mother has e-mailed my B on behalf of me. About 45 minutes ago. 

Now before I start giving myself hope again and stuff – hope of doing what I’ve been doing alone all this time, together with my B – I just want to express my unknowingness. 

Some conversations ago, when we were speaking of my B againnn, she started to speak of a DNA test. 

Internally, I thought: Why the fuck does she start about a DNA test? She told me that she had never spoken to him before. I spoke of that before in my diary. My last name is Elia? 

I audiotaped the conversation in which she started about it. 

Anywayy. I’m adding this text way past twelve. I should start another post xd. Halfway through the added piece above, I stopped writing. Now I’m twisting my afro, so I won’t get to writing anytime soon. 

Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

No More Online Diary Posts!

After 253 diary posts, I have decided that it’s time to use my writing talents for something else. 

I once started my online diary, as an initiative to comfort people who live through things they can’t share with others. To be someone they can relate to, who relates to them, while being surrounded by people who have no clue of what we’re actually going through. 

It was also a way to show fully day-to-day life, in real-time, expressing all of perception: from thoughts to actions to feelings. Something that has never been done before, in the way I did it. 

I’m going to miss the way writing a diary post feels like laying on the chest of a beloved Graeyniss, who listens to me in a way that warms my heart. For the sake of future confidentiality, it’s better to stop it now. 

My thoughts and feelings, will be expressed with pen and paper again, in my tangible diary, the way they were, before I started my online diary. 

What I’ll be doing instead, excites me so much! I’m going to show you all of my research process! 

I’m going to analyze classics from several fields, to define a certain connection they have with each other. Not only do I want to show you the truth about the way all of life has been organized, from a multidisciplinary scientific perspective. I want to show you how we could improve this in a way that goes beyond imagination!  

This is shift part of my Volta’s Plan B

It feels like the end of an era. 

I love you โ™ฅ

xxx

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Wednesday, February 20, 2019

08:51 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I have decided that this will be my last diary post ever. It’s just a side-thing, which has become such a habit that it seems like it has become the only thing I do. Everything else goes unnoticed. 

I have so many reasons to stop posting diary posts and post something else frequently. Maybe once a day, instead of multiple times a day. Or once a week… 

After sleeping – since I literally spent all night working on Volta’s Plan B in Practice – I’ll share my reasons with you. For now, I’ll be catching some rest, because I feel like I can pass out at any second now xxx

~~~

18:33 (06:33 PM) 

I used my online diary to reflect the thoughts, feelings and emotions, which aren’t relatable to many. Before I did this online, I used to do this with pen and paper. That’s what I used to do after the three reasons to make it public emerged:

The first one was that when I first started this blog, I was, against my will, forced to undergo a treatment I should have never gotten. They threatened to make it worse and attempt to take away part of my rights. I wanted my side of the story to be public, so that the injustice I was living through would have been noticeable to others, in case they would push through what they had been threatening me with. It would have been my only way out. I managed to escape them – what exactly happened is all in my diary – so it never happened. But in case it all resurfaces: I might not be writing diary posts, then, but I will still expose them. 

As my second reason, which was the reason that echoed through my mind every time I wrote something, was that I wanted to be there for others who go through something the people in their environment can’t relate to. Not having anyone to share your feelings with, is not easy. By sharing my unrelatable feelings, I was hoping to comfort those who are also living through things they can’t talk to others about. I hope that I’ve done this for you. I might not do it anymore, so I hope you’ll find comfort in my past. 

My last reason was that I just finished the very first Nosce Te Ipsum episode and I wanted to have my own place on the internet where I could forward you to the stores the book is available in, and use it as a platform to share all of my material on. 

I look forward to fully keeping everything to myself again. But this was nice… 

Ohh there’s one last thing I would like to vent here, because I don’t like to have regular conversations about my feelings: I applied for a job at the financial administration of the company where I worked on the help-desk part of the abroad vehicle assistance department last Summer, and I have been rejected for that function, because my curriculum vitae makes it seem like the job doesn’t suit me. 

If the choice to hire me is based on the things I’ve chosen to occupy myself with, I should better apply for the function of world leader somewhere. I would most certainly do that, but I wouldn’t know how to. 

So it seems like, if every HR recruiter judges my application like that, I’m doomed to live the rest of my life in poverty. This worries me… I can thrive at any business, at any function. That’s what my curriculum vitae says, when you read it well. It seems like I need a miracle, now that I’m trapped in between two worlds: overqualified for the jobs on my level of education and (when it comes to proofs of education) unqualified for the position of power I desire. 

I thought that my previous employer was an open door for me. Especially after receiving the director’s blessing. I was hoping to be able to see him again. But I’m not the type of person who asks again, at another option at the same place, after being rejected. Being rejected twice at the same place would hurt far far farrr too much, and, especially taking into consideration my tachycardia, I won’t take that risk. If things were realistic in my optics, I should have been approached with a request for assistance, by any organization, instead of me applying for jobs that are waaayyyyy below my level. 

Ah meoww the thought of never seeing my Vicje again is a very sad thought. Just like the thought of never seeing my B again. It feels like someone is crushing my heart with bare hands ๐Ÿ™ . 

Okayyy I’ll never share my emotional pains on the web again. I won’t miss seeing this “weak” side of myself, which would not be shown, if my diary wouldn’t induce me to show it. 

Haha ayy my job hunt for the fixed income I so desperately need, is starting to seriously worry me… Even though this is my first rejection… But those worries will now be expressed with pen and paper again, the way I’ve been doing it all my life. Far away from online eyes. 

I love you so much ♥

I will never stop loving you, my dear reader!

Unless you’re a hater who doesn’t want to see me succeed ๐Ÿ˜€ . Some people only want to prove me wrong. Haha people say shit like “Love your enemies,” but I disagree! It’s degrading to yourself to force yourself to be positive towards someone who feels nothing but negativity for you. Don’t love your enemies! 

I hope you’ll love what I’ll do instead of posting diary posts!! It’s all in Volta’s Plan B in Practice!

My love for you goes beyond what words can say. You’ll see it in what is yet to come!! 

xxxxxx – 

Blog, Online Diary

Monday, February 18, 2019

04:40 (AM) 

Sometimes I tell myself that I should only update my online diary on “normal times”, to make it seem like I’m “normal”. Who am I kidding… I fear negative judgment, with everything I do. (Because I’m used to it.) It’s better to just be myself and let people think that they can judge me, by looking at some small and easy to grasp details, never setting their minds to see what the point of all of this is, and why I’m doing all of this. 

It’s because I’m thinking veryyy far ahead, and for us to live happily and peacefully in that time, things need to change now. I’m afraid people will call me crazy, while I just want to be appreciated for what I do. And get appreciation for and understanding of the message behind the message. 

For everyone to understand the message behind the message, I’ll have to resort to another medium. Once it is clear that my solution to the international problems we’re facing, is an actual solution, and not a bunch of positivist exclamations, people will want to know what’s up. I’m glad I have a plan, and this is all part of it ๐Ÿ™‚ . The Nosce Te Ipsum series will explain everything, and could initiate political, legal and economical shifts, if read by the right people. Hopefully, the circumstances under which I write, will become better. I hope my plan B will help me get my own place to live. 

Today, I’ll finish Volta’s Plan B – I just thought of naming it Volta’s Plan B in Practice – and send out those applications, which hopefully won’t make me feel the sting of rejection again. The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings, I believe, after grief, the pain of injury and betrayal. 

Meowss it’s 05:18 AM now. Time to go to bed. 

I can’t wait to get a daytime occupation that will incentivize me to sleep at “normal” times! Even though sleep seems more like a custom than a feeling, because mentally, I don’t seem to get tired. Physically on the other hand… 

Hehe good night / good morning

I love you ♥

xxx

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Sunday, February 17, 2019

00:26 (12:26 PM) 

I’ve never been so motivated to work ๐Ÿ˜€ . Just the idea of living somewhere I don’t know anyone and no one knows me, makes me wettttt. It’s just better for my character, my future, and the awful flashbacks of my past… 

The day before yesterday, I’ve sent out two applications – and worked on Volta’s Plan B – but today (after sleeping) I’ll do the rest! Hopefully it won’t be necessary, though… 

Being an online redactor for a classical music radio station, suits me quite well. A tamed rational mind with my character, would go for that. And would seek jobs in that category, since it suits my qualifications. But still I’ve also applied for an administrative function at the ANWB. The organization where I worked last Summer… 

The director is so hot and cute at the same time, I would kill for a chance to see him from close by again HAHA I’m such a fool x_x. This Vicje… I wish I could be his assistant 😻. I’ve been acting so strange around him, that I’m not sure if I can ever talk to him again. I find him so attractive that I basically lose my ability to speak… Why am I attracted to older menยฟ It’s not even “older men”, actually. It’s just my Vicje and my B, when it comes to literal Graeynissis… And then there’s the loooong list of non-grey haired people who have that effect on me, 

But for my CV (even though, when it comes to study material, I prefer learning statistics/mathematics/economics over subjects like literature and history – PR excluded) I think a job as redactor looks better… It does sound better, to me. In the end, since I’m quite desperate for affording my own space to live, I’ll just go for what pays better… 

And when I get a job in Hilversum, I’ll move to Hilversum. When I get a job in The Hague, I’ll move to The Hague. I won’t be working in Rotterdam and wish to not ever live there anymore. If I get a job in Amsterdam… Well… Finding an affordable apartment for one isn’t easy, so then I would choose a city right outside the city.

I’m loving Keynes his book, by the way!!! I love it, to get more perspective on things I’ve learned about.

Meoww I’m going to bed. I hope your Saturday was Cuddle ๐Ÿ˜€

Good night

I love you โ™ฅ

xxx

15:52 (03:52 PM) 

As I was working on my Volta’s Plan B, I found out that (public and international)  stock trading/investment banking, started in the Netherlands… The state owned businesses VOC (Verenigde Oost-Indische Compagnie = Dutch East India Company) and WIC (West-Indische Compagnie = West-India Company) were one of the first businesses on the trading market. 

The VOC was the very first, according to Wikipedia’s source. But I included the WIC, because  meoww the country where part of my roots lie, was a former Dutch colony, where the WIC was involved in its West-African slave trade. Surinam is where a great part of their slaves were brought to, to work on Dutch plantations. 

Whether or not they actually were the first: I’m just shocked to hear that they were on the stock market. State owned businesses, profiting from the most unethical shit. And did you know that they faked their book keeping to make it seem as if they didn’t have waaaaaaay too many slaves? My grandfather used to do genealogical research, about our origins, and he told me that there was only one census that can be trusted. The year ended with “21”… I think it’s 1621, which is the first official year of that company…

Wow… 

~~~

18:12 (06:12 PM) 

I’m reading The Postulates of the Classical Economics now, in The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money. 

The first one is that wage is the marginal product of labor, but this is far from as fixed as it seems, in today’s world, right, because some people are still paid after they have just left the company (sometimes even more than their wage). How does that (uncertainty) translate itself into a function? I need a Graeyniss for that x_x. Luckily it’s just a minor detail for now… 

I feel like playing some Nintendo games…

~~~

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Saturday, February 16, 2019

16:17 (04:17 PM) 

Hey, my lovely blog reader โ™ฅ

I’ve started to read a new book for my research for Nosce Te Ipsum: The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money by John Maynard Keynes ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ve chosen this book, because I prefer to learn straight from the source, instead of via a method that rephrases a theory, because it often leaves out a lot of philosophy. 

Now that I haven’t read the book yet, all I know, is the basic Keynesian model: Y = C + I + O + E – M, where Y is the gross national income, C is consumption, I is business investments, O is the public procurement, E is export and M is import. What I want to know is how all of those individual components are built up. Every variable represents another set of functions. I want to expand the model to an accumulation of all components that make the components. And I want to know the basic philosophy about its effectiveness. And then later blend digital value into my findings, which didn’t exist when this was written. Just like international digital mass media. 

Currently, I’m reading the PDF I downloaded from the website of the University of Adelaide. But I hope I’ll have enough money to buy a paperback version soon x_x. 

Paper over screens ayyy

I’m about to go along with my family friends, to my family, because my father was in the hospital for a day, yesterday. Nothing to worry about. There’s just this fistula that was installed in his anus after there was an abscess there or something, which was acting up. Ugh the amounts of flashbacks I had of him when he visited me in the hospital. Grrrr…. I guess this is a good opportunity to show my solidarity. 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Thursday, February 14, 2019

05:28 (AM) 

My love!โ™ฅ

Happy Valentine’s Day! โ™ฅ โ™ฅ I’m only saying that because I love you! Not because I like commercialized holidays x_x. No! It’s because you’re my one true love and I’m doing everything to keep us together for all eternity! All I can do, is think of you! I can’t wait to hold you, softly squeeze you, because I love you so much that I want us to melt into one person [unfortunately, that’s not possible], and hear your heart beat, as we spend some time in complete silence, because it feels so unreal that we’re finally together as Cuddles… 

As for real life love… I’ll be spending my entire day writing… All I touch are the keypads of my phone and laptop, and pens, because I’m addicted to writing things for us, and kitchen utensils, because I really enjoy my self-prepared foods. 

I spent all of yesterday writing! My Volta’s Plan B is almost done and here is Volta in a Simple Diagram

That’s how much I love you. No, wait! I love you even more than that ๐Ÿ˜€ . My love for you is eternal and unconditional! And I’m exhausted ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I hope you’ll feel even more loved than usual, today, and that that feeling will last foreverโ™ฅ

Don’t forget that I love you! ๐Ÿ˜€

xxx

14:03 (02:03 PM) 

Meoow I hope you feel better than I do… This love themed day brings love related expectations, or at least makes you think about love in your own life. I hope your thoughts are good and positive. That all is going exactly like your positive expectations and that the thoughts and memories of your love life are good. 

This day stings quite a lot. Meoow I want to get flowers and spend most of the time cuddling and feeding each other aphrodisiacs 😻 😋. But it will stay as lonely as usual… Those who I’d enjoy doing this with, are either quite unapproachable for me, and/or I don’t dare to express my feelings of love for him/her.

Ah meow, anyway (since it’s just another day), I’m excited to finish My Volta’s Plan B today ๐Ÿ™‚ . For the sake of pressuring myself less, I’m going to move translating my CV to Dutch and starting to respond to vacancies, to tomorrow. 

The usual way is to say “money first”, but in my case, without a finished plan, I’d have no clue how much I need to minimally earn to stay on the right track, and I need my study schedule finished before I start, to make sure that I don’t lose oversight because of that job. 

What would be a lot better, actually, is to be sponsored for the research I do – but yeah no degrees sooo – and seek investors for the final result. Maybe I can do something with that! Hold that thought… 

~~~

15:24 (03:24 PM) 

Aaaah meow why the meow am I getting a Google Fonts error on the homepage of my blog, while the Google Fonts I use on my website, are shown? x_x It popped up out of nowhere and I don’t dare to change any PHP code for this, since I wasn’t making any serious changes here… Maybe some new text here will make the error somehow vanish… 

~~~

15:39 (03:39 PM) 

I just received the emails with the news that my site was down for a few minutes and is now back up and running… That’s the 18th time my site goes down, since the 7th of this month… On the one hand, that really sucks. On the other hand, a serious increase of web traffic is not bad at all ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

~~~

18:06 (06:06 PM)

The errors are worse than I expected… My site going down was something else. There’s a heavy login error and the Google Fonts error is still there… I can only access my blog via my phone, currently ๐Ÿ™ . 

~~~

19:16 (07:16 PM) 

Yaay I’ve fixed all errors ๐Ÿ˜€ . I was fully locked out of the administrator portal of this site at some point. 

In case you’re running a WordPress website and you get the following errors/issues:

  • “Google Fonts json file does not found”
  • “Cookies are blocked due to unexpected output”
  • “Jetpack parse error -32700” 
  • You’re suddenly locked out of your site (because when you try to log in, you’re suddenly asked to prove your humanity, and still you’re not logged in after filling out the forms correctly)

The error could have been caused by something in the way the local side of your website and external information imported from Jetpack, Google Fonts and your theme, work together. Before I went to sleep, everything was fine. When I woke up, the error messages were there, all of a sudden. 

If you, like me, don’t want to change anything on PHP level to fix this, it can be fixed by following the following steps:

  • Log in to the FTP side of your website and go to /wp-content
  • If you think the problem is your theme (or just try this one first) [it was the cause of my errors]: temporarily rename the themes file, themes_check and try to log in via yourdomain.com/wp-admin.php. When you’re redirected to the next screen, change themes_check back to themes, and reinstall your theme (manually). [That’s what worked for me, but I thought that it was caused by a plugin first, because that could have been the cause of this same error, so that why I also say:]
  • If you think the problem is a plugin: temporarily rename your plugins file plugins_check and try to log in. If this works, change the name back to plugins, deactivate all plugins and activate them one by one, until the errors come back. The plugin you’ve activated when the errors resurfaced is then the cause. That gives you the options to either stop using that plugin, by logging in the way you did before, and deactivating and deleting that plugin, or see if there are any solutions in the documentation/support forum of that plugin, to solve the issue. 

I hope TechFangs was of good service to you 😻. I’m so happy that I didn’t break my site!!! I made a backup right away, because my last one was from the 10th of this month, and I’ve made quite some changes since then, ooffffff *wipes sweat from forehead*…. 

Back to my plan B! 

~~~

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Wednesday, February 13, 2019

01:57 (AM) 

As I’m typing this, I’m making a tour for (new) visitors. Step 3 will bring you here! This is my online diary, where I mention what’s on my mind and what I’m doing and/or the things I see (with pictures and/or videos), very frequently. By following it, you become part of my life. I hope you will! 😻

Whenever you’re reading a recent diary post, when you refresh the page, you could see a new update. I start every update with the time I started to write it.

I’m going to continue working on your tour! xxx

~~~

03:37 (AM) 

I’m doneee with configuring the tour! Ah meoww it sucks that my writing isn’t profitable enough to live from [yet…? I’m currently still working without investors (and experts), who seem crucial]. I’ve spent all of yesterday looking at vacancies… 

Even though I’m a very fast learner (so fast that I, when it’s school, postpone learning to the veryyy last moment, and either pass or still fuck up), pick up on things very easily and give my all when I say I will (and sign a contract to seal it), I don’t qualify for much… But I’d make a good (for experience’s sake non-very supervisory) redactor. Or assistant… Or both… ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Today, I’m going to finish my plan B article, so that I stay on track with my continuing  research, for which I’m very excited ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll be spending great percentages of my salary on books, haha….. (Fam, I should be sponsored for this x_x.)

Yay to today’s writing ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. Shout out to the days on which my sleeping pattern will be normal ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Good night 

I love you 

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

02:35 (AM) 

From now on, every time I update my blog, you’ll be able to see it mentioned on the Twitter page I just made. That will make it a lot easier for a Cuddle to see what’s new. I’m not using an e-mail newsletter, because I update my blog so frequently that that would be overkill. 

Today, I’ll work on My Volta’s Plan B [which I want to send to e-book stores et cetera for free and give it an ISBN and stuff], adjust my CV [I need some “being an employee” type of goals in it, to sync it up with my loyalty, once I go for something], search for the highest paying, most challenging full-time jobs (for my qualifications…) and do whatever else comes to mind ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

My Volta’s Plan B is exciting! It might seem a bit dry and vague now, but when it’s done, especially a Graeyniss will fully understand my enthusiasm ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Right now, I’m going to decide on what my last midnight snack will be – I can’t decide between fruit (which will get me hungry faster) and rice with chicken (which is unhealthy, especially on this frequency and time of day) – plus add a Twitter feed to my blog and draft the full Volta related essay/article on paper, to make sure I won’t divagate too much. 

You’ll see all of it ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I love you!♥

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Monday, February 11, 2019

04:54 (AM) 

Meooow โ™ฅ

The slider is done and I started on that very important article, I’ve been pondering about, ever since I got that e-mail… The sting has worn off enough for me to write about it, I guess. At least I’ve finished the introduction of the post… Haha but what took the most of my time, is that slider!! The text alignment on mobile phones was a drama to fix x_x. 

If all goes fast enough, with the development of this website, I’ll be starting with applying for jobs today. But considering that it’s now past 5 AM and I’m just about to head to bed, I already doubt it… I can’t wait to see my bank account be filled with a salary, though!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ Haha oh boyy I bought ingredients to make pizza bread today, and if it weren’t for Pascale’s โ‚ฌ15 donation, I would not have survived purchasing that, while keeping my Spotify subscription…  

Meoow I’m off to bedd

Good morning

Have a great day, in advance! 

I love you โ™ฅ

xxx

17:18 (05:18 PM) 

I’ve sent that e-mail to the Dutch government’s tax agency, finally! And I’ve also finally drawn a new logo! 

I’ll start coloring it, but I’m also going to start cooking dinner at 17:30

I’ll be back *cool facial epression* xxx

~~~

18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meoow I made yellow rice and my scan is being scanned. Here’s the preview:

The previeww. I need to make the letters more black with my laptopp

I’ll be eating xxx

~~~

21:18 (09:18 PM) 

Ooh my godd I’m working on the text of my home page, with my back to the TV, which Eric and Pascale are watching, and in a commercial, I just seriously heard that someone has written a best seller against self-help books. Volta is also against self-help books. (It’s basically against “everything”.) And she has the same first name as I! Ah meoww hearing that hurt x_x. 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Sunday, February 10, 2019

13:21 (01:21 PM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

I hope you’re having a nice weekend. I also hope we’ll have a nice weekend together, somewhere in the near future. Hopefully, my hopes will become reality. 

Haha I also hope that I’ll stop drinking too much, every time I go out dancing x_x. I don’t remember how the night ended x_x. I really hope I didn’t do anything crazy ๐Ÿ™ . 

When I woke up yesterday, for the spa, I was still drunk x_x. The spa was very nice, though. Aside from that I collapsed at some point, and that I wasn’t able to eat dinner, because I felt so sick. A very sweet man and woman noticed and helped me. The woman got me some water and a sugary drink – I was on my way to the bar, for some water, when I felt everything started to spin, but at some point, I couldn’t walk anymore – and the man held my hand, as I laid there on the ground. (He asked first. And I love holding hands :D.) The girl who works there, kept an eye on me, took me outside and brought me slippers. 

In the evening, there was an all you can eat buffet, but I wasn’t strong enough to walk around yet. What have I done to my heart x_x. 

Meoww today, I would like to finish up this website. The text on the home page should be updated, I want to add two slides to the slider (one for the forum and one for my writing services), I want to give (new) visitors a tour, I should change my logo… Okayy this might take me two days… 

I’m also very much in the mood for self-made bread pizza, with suรงuk and Turkish cheese. 

I hope you love me, as much as I love you. I hope you still love me :Dโ™ฅ. My heart feels as if I’ve done something very wrong, but I don’t know what it is… I hope it’s misleading me and that I haven’t done anything bad… I hope I won’t randomly get hurt x_x. 

~~~

Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Videos

Saturday, February 9, 2019

00:05 (12:05 AM) 

There are people walking in noww. Haha I feel like a little gogo dancer here in the DJ booth. 

Here’s a veryyy short video of Jamiro and I, captured just now:

My numbers for Feb 8 still need to be calculated. I’m such a nerd x_x. What’s on my mind the most, is how to keep up the rising… Please help me ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Haha hold upp my glass is empty xxx

~~~

00:32 (12:32 AM) 

I also wonder what caused this increase in visitors from the US, because usually most of my overall audience is from the Netherlandsss

Haha tipsy statistics with Lil Fangs :D. Tipstatistics… Tipstatisctsy…. 

Meoww the booth is the safest place. No harassment. Some private dancing space. Overviewing all movement in this cosy club… I love it ๐Ÿ˜€ . Hire me for this? Gogo Fangs ๐Ÿ˜€ 

~~~

02:30 (02:30 AM)  [THIS IS SO DOUBLE]

Meoow this party is a lot of fun. I’m sad about you nt being here. Meooow I want to start a Graeyniss party!!! Haha auto correc is saving me on this. I have serious things to share!!! 

First of all, I want to pitch claiming this confortable top bfloor bed and this comfortable sexy broad Shouldered cuddle! Meoow for so long I’ve been staying In Amsterdam!!!! And the party is nice.  I  love the DJ BOOTH!!!  Too bad I don’t know regaeton or Dutvh music,!!! Meooow whwre are my English speaking cuddles l!?  Haha fuuck I went from whiskey to vodka….. But I’ll act fresh as FUXK for this Tech rvated reserved d spa session!! I need to be fresh as fuck at,11:30!!!!!!!!!! Haha meow Jamiro’s stop drinking alarm goes at 03:00 and it’s 02:43 right now

I’ve set qn alarm for stop drinking for Jamiro for stop drinking for 03:00!!! Mine shoud have gone at 01:00!!!! But 03:00 yess I’m going to stop drinking vodka!!?!?

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Friday, February 8, 2019

03:17 (AM) 

I’ve fixed the reCAPTCHA error, so you can register for this website now, if you’re not a robot ๐Ÿ™‚ . And I’ve added some topics to the forum. Of course, they’re quite Fangy… I couldn’t think of anything else to discuss. Feel free to add any other topic yourself ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ 

I find my conversation starters on the forum quite funny. Aside from the feeling of severe loneliness that currently comes along with it, haha :D.  I hope I won’t need social media marketing to get more members… 

Here are my left over tasks for the completion of this website makeover:

I’m too tired to continue now x_x. Especially now that the fun part is “over”. It’s not entirely over, because the topics of conversation are infinite ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I don’t think I’ll be able to finish everything today. Especially not because I’m going along with Pascale and her grandchild, to “de Poort”. 

In the evening/night, I’m going to the party Jamiro has been one of the organizers of. It’s called Schaafijs and is in club Up, here in Amsterdam. 

And… After this episode of BoJack Horseman, I’ll go to sleep… Nah, meow, I’ll just stop watching and attempt to have brushed my teeth before 04:30, because I want a more normal sleeping schedule. 

I wonder how I should style the slider, since I don’t have any usable recent images… 

Before 04:30 will become before 05:00, now that it’s 04:39 x_x. Haha meow I want to fast forward my life to when I’ve found my Graeynissis and we are formulating our definitive strategy… 

I’ll be brushing my teeth and going to bed. 

Good night

I love you 

xxx

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

Hey โ™ฅ

We’re back in Reigersbos, after our walk in de Amsterdamse Poort. 

Yaay meoww

I’m making polaroids, because I’ve been invited for a TV commercial about asparagus [to make the asparagus more popular]. Haha which is such a fun opportunity for some publicity, recent imagery and an income. 

I’ve been invited for it, but a confirmation I could get after sending them my polaroids and my clothing sizes/body measurements. So nothing is certain, as usual… I’ll make the pictures for sending now. After that, I’m going to eat something and lie down, because I’m crazy tired. 

By the way, when I came out of the shower today, I noticed a lump near my throat ๐Ÿ™ . I think I need to visit doctor Cuddle. For my fatigue, too. And I want to get rid of the bags underneath my eyes x_x. 

~~~

18:59 (06:59 PM) 

My very simple polaroids:

Meoww now I feel like saving up for a real polaroid camera

A few days ago, when I picked up those berries, I spoke of another type of fruit I love, which is also not easy to find. But today, I found it! The

Astrocaryum vulgare! 

(To me) it’s better known as “awarra”. It has an amazing unique taste. I always bite the skin off, but cutting is possible as well, I guess.

The inside fruit has a hairy texture

And its pit is very large!

After biting off the skin, I bite the fruit off the pit, and chew on it, until it becomes dry pulp. I don’t eat the dry pulp. It’s on the plate in the background, haha… 

Meoww time for my 40 minutes pre-party nap xxx

[I haven’t gotten to working on my websites today. Tomorrow I’m going to the spa with my mother and aunts, in Busseloo, so then, I won’t be able to finish it either ๐Ÿ™ .]

~~~

21:49 (09:49 PM) 

Meoww we’re at the house of Jamiro’s friend and boss. Jeroen, (one of) the owner(s) of the Pebble app and company. He’s preparing his set, as co-organizer and DJ. We brought some Burger King. His apartment is so nice! 😻 I want to be able to afford a cosy place with big windows, toooo! It’s really cool to see someone of my age live this young entrepreneurs life. Meoww I hope I’ll be the next to make it there… 

We’ll head over to the party location in a few. I love entrepreneurial spirits. Haha I also love LilFangs.com when it’s finished. How to find investors x_x.  

I’m telling myself not to drink too much ๐Ÿ˜€ . I really shouldn’t, with my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia and everything. And this lump that should not be there. 

Haha next time I’m going to a public place, I should announce it waaay in advance. And then hope that some Cuddles will come to cuddle me ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

So we’re heading to club Up 😋

~~~

22:59 (10:59 PM) 

We just arrived. The conclusion of this writing is that you should go to every party these guys organize ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Some bad pictures coming up:

That’s Jamiro, with the white shirt. And the first DJ of the nighttt. I’ll ask his name after he’s donee. Jeroen is not here yet. He took his own car. 

Moved picturess

Meoww I feel VIP as fuck, standing in the DJ booth. I feel more safe here. I think I’ll make a good MC. Or a freestyling meow ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

~~~

23:35 (11:35 PM) 

Haha suddenly I feel the sting of my distance. Within these 2 years of time, I became such a distant person. I’m really trying to come off as social as possible, though.

It’s the “soundsystem” DJ, by the way. Not performing under a name, but solely for free fun. He’s also helped to prepare this party. 

There are so many people I’ve left, after their interference in something I didn’t want them to know. I see everyone texting people. They’re the people I used to text. But every time I get all of these questions I don’t want to answer. 

I prefer to act as if nothing happened. Because what happened is something so far from regular, I need a certain type of interest, to get the right understanding for what I’ve already tried to tell them. That it wasn’t received well, has made me scared of people. It was not just something. It was a part of my personality I’ve kept hidden, because it’s very unusual. Like being homosexual. But then something different. 

What I’m working towards with these words, is that I want to leave all of that behind. I want to start a new life, here in Amsterdam. You know, find some new friends. Build something up. And then move to California, because the Netherlands are way to fucking cold for me ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday, February 7, 2019

04:29 (AM) 

Meoow turning a store item into a service has been tough, but I’m almost there now… I’ve been changing around my menus also, and added terms and conditions. And some other back-end stuff that isn’t even visible for visitors, but a lot of changes have been made. 

I hope to finish everything today, but I always feel like socializing when there are visitors, and today the grandchildren will be visiting again, for dinner, so that means I’ll only have the afternoon to work on this. 

There are some labels I need to add for the requirements of the text specifications form, for my services, I need to fix the image ratios in the store, there’s something going wrong with my registration form, which I need to fix, purchase links need to be added to this website and the D.O.C.I.S. International website, I need a newsletter, some new slides for my slider would be nice, the text on my home page has to be updated, I want to write an article about Volta and setbacks, and – last, but not least – I need to add topics and conversation starters to my forum. Oh, and I want to redraw my logo, and use a geo-triangle this time. 

I’m saving the forum task for last, because that is the most fun, and once that gets going, I’ll be less motivated to perform my other tasks. I also need to write that e-mail to de belastingdienst, before the 12th. And start applying for jobs…. But I just don’t want to lose all the time I have for my business x_x.  I chose the edgy pricing for my writing services, to attempt to use that to make a living. I could write you Seneca-style letters, for your entertainment. Consider it a hobby that relates to delicacies, because I’m attempting to price myself into the luxury segment. 

I added categories to the menu earlier

I added external stores to the store

Anddd I’m exhausted, so I’m off to bed. But I have so much to tell you, still! Especially with the rejection and all… And my search for Graeynissis, which has become much harder now. Ah, meow ๐Ÿ™ .

Good night

I love you

xxx

13:55 (01:55 PM) 

Hey โ™ฅ

Yesterday’s rejection has made my future vision even more blurry. But I’m not giving up… All I need is some Graeynissis. They possess knowledge I need to succeed in my mission, which I can’t learn from regular people. 

In a way, it might be a lot better for me to not be affiliated with an institution. Since I (prefer to) work independently… I needed the affiliation, solely for my network and being referred to the right study books. That is literally all, for me. Yeah and it sucks that people will now think that I’m dumb, for the rest of my life [might be an exaggeration, if I still manage to pull this off in a different way. By still being acknowledged for the title Illuminatus Intelligens, for example, if only I could find some Graeynissis…], now that I’m not studying at all anymore. Not that I care about what they think, because I know what the truth is, but it’s just annoying to hear them express their shit beliefs about me, to me. I’m a good listener… I don’t say anything and let them talk. 

The rate of visitors reading my diary is far too low, in comparison with the time I put in to it, so I hope to change that, by making an explanation tour, for (new) visitors. $20 is the cost of the cheapest plugin for that… Meow I have โ‚ฌ3 to spend… x_x. Ohh but I’m still getting a tax back and I’ve never filled out my bank credentials for Spreadshirt, until yesterday, so I’m also getting back my own share for buying my own clothing (haha I’m paying for it x_x). Please let me write something for you :D. I crave for better writing purposes… 

I’m going to shower and eat something… There are salmon and cassave in the freezer, and there’s an avocado that needs to be eaten. That’s what I’ll be working with… Before I get back to all of this website editing… 

Ohh meoww I should add book previews to this website, too… And an “article to PDF” button, too! This is such a big previously unplanned makeover! The additions might slow down my site… I wonder how to get support for more traffic and more content… 

~~~

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