Online Diary

Blog, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

00:20 (12:20 PM) 

Meoww my forum and online bookstore are visible online, but they’re not finished yet. There are some books I still need to add to the (e-book) store [I want to sell tangibles, too, but don’t have the funds and location for stock management, yet], add some refund policy credentials, add terms and conditions, and [the most fun part] add forum topics! I hope I’ll be able to attract Graeynissis to my forum 😻. There is so much to discuss 😻.

My heart slightly fears hatred and harshness on my forum. But my comment sections are peaceful, and so should be my forum. I can’t wait to get my blog out of social isolation, in the right way!!! 

I’m going to continue to work on this for a little while. Interacting with people who think like me excites me :D. Interacting with people who like my writing excites me :D. 

What’s on my mind, as I’m working on these things, is how to assemble the right people for the intimate community I intend to create… I’m thinking of a Google Ads campaign, simultaneously with Volta’s ad campaign, but I hope The Head Cuddle will finally reveal its hidden strength…

Haha I’ve been watching BoJack Horseman while working on this… After Rick and Morty (and before that, yeaaaars of never following anything), it seems like this will be my next “entertainment” aside from writing and walking… I’ll keep it to a minimum.

Oohh meoow something I’ll add to my store is the service of me writing a personalized text for you!!! That’s so much fun!!! It’s great for finding purposes to write for, it’s great for having something to do, it’s great for my network, it’s great for my wallet, it’s great for my name… Yay ๐Ÿ˜€


04:02 (AM) 

There is a lottt to configure!! I’m not done yet, but I should get some rest… (I guess? I don’t feel tired, but I feel like it’s mandatory to take a break?) 

If people would use me as a text generator, I could make a living!!! I love getting writing tasks!!! Let me write you a book 😻. Or write a text on a canvas, you could use as decoration! 

Omgg I would be soo happy if people would ask me to write personalized texts for them!!! I’d have something to do, maybe have a reason to start a conversation with someone new, and I could get myself out of debt, without wanting to die from the mental slavery I’ll have to put myself through to get there!!! 

My Graeynissis 😻. May I write something for your paper?? 😻 You can let me read in on any topic, and I’ll be able to write about it, as if I’ve mastered the entire subject myself!!! 

Yay ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I’m off to eating some more berries and then go to bed

I love you so much!!โ™ฅ

Good night! ๐Ÿ˜€

xxx – 

12:54 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Hehe last night, I didn’t really want to go to bed, and now my bed feels so cosy and warm, I don’t want to leave it… But the excitement of the idea of a finished website, will get me out of bed and behind my laptop! 

My spontaneous impulse to change around this website, came from me asking myself how to quickly find a way to have a more fun website for visitors and find a quick way to earn – after I spent some time studying my Google Analytics and struggled with setting goals for this website, because there’s not much to do here, aside from reading, and now that bills are getting deducted, and there’s not much coming in. 

Here’s what’s on my list for a finished website:

These are quite fun tasks ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know if I have enough money for a terms and conditions statement x_x. Maybe I’ll have to write it by hand x_x. 

By engagement, I mean that I’ll make some test accounts for the forum and use that to start conversations. 

I’ll still sell tangibles, by forwarding you to the sites where they’re available. When I’m done with all of this, I’ll also draw some new designs for my sweatshop. 

Here’s what everything looks like “before”, including the little editing I did yesterday:

I need to fix that button, too…

This will be a lot less text

Meoww there needs to be a solution for the alignment of the items…

Meoww I can’t wait to see this develop itself ๐Ÿ˜€

To get started, I’ll get up, put some clothes on, brush my teeth, cook and “foam up” some milk for my chai latte, warm some of yesterday’s left overs and turn on my laptop. Tot later xxx


14:58 (02:58 PM) 

Seconds after I uploaded my 12:54 update, I received a bunch of automated messages about not being selected for the program I applied for, because I didn’t meet all requirements. The only requirement I didn’t meet, was the maximum amount of words in my motivation letter, which I exceeded, because my request to study wasn’t a usual one. 

Why do rejections always have to be so painful… Especially the message sent “on behalf of the programme director”, from the same student’s email address, gives me crazy palpitations and chest pains. I don’t ever want to be part of a selection process again. But I have no choice, currently. In my Volta, I stated that if my alternative education path is off the table, I’ll start applying for jobs again, to earn my acknowledgement and freedom the longer way (if I don’t end up committing suicide from the way I depend on external parties and they always work against me). 

If someone asks me if I’ve heard something yet, I’ll say no, because I fucking hate those words of pity, with an undertone that insinuates that that person didn’t want to see me succeed in the first place. 

I’ve never felt so insulted… The cover of Volta has a model used in econometrics on it, which is not even shit for beginners. And then they tell me that I don’t qualify x_x. (My model is incepted! The รŸ value resembles the y value of an underlying cross sectional data analysis model. For every topic, there’s a seperate cross sectional analysis, and the conclusions of those individual analyses, are put into one final cross sectional analysis, which is the Volta value.) On the page of the double bachelors program, they state that if the committee finds that you don’t qualify for the double bachelor, they might advice you to either study only econometrics or only economics. To me, they say that I can try to apply for the Dutch program. A Dutch degree is useless. My aspirations are international. I’m trying to earn my way the fuck out of this country. Is my English that bad? Ugh and then they wish me good luck. I’m wished good luck dying? It was my last fucking hope. I want my account there to be permanently deleted. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever follow another Dutch education program. 

I’ll stick to my Volta and start applying for jobs again. After I finish my websites, of course!! I hope some meows want me to write texts for them! I hope they’ll be things for which I need to read myself in on some serious scientific content. That could be an alternative to my alternative. I’ll never stop trying!! I guess… I need that fucking acknowledgement. In fucking English!!!  

The most shocking part, is the automated messages part. My request wasn’t a regular request. Why not go in to what I said? That it’s life or death, wasn’t a fucking joke. I wonder if the person in whose name the automated message was sent, knows about this. We could have been writing history. Now I’m back at ground zero. How the fuck else can I get my B back?  ๐Ÿ™ 

Please use my forum… Pleaseeee x_x 


Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

Meoww I’m about to start cooking. I received my login credentials for the Royal Library online deposit section earlier today ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope they’ll accept what I send them, haha…. 

Haha yaaaay


20:46 (08:46 PM) 

Hmmm I think I should start a forum on my blog… The most fun would be to have some games on it… Anything to make this website more enjoyable! It would be a lot more fun if I weren’t alone on this business journey (which is something that isn’t/shouldn’t be a lonely journey) to begin with. Again, I end up at the need for Graeynissis…

I should replace the SpreadShop with an e-book store, but when I send someone a PDF, it can be forwarded so easily. I can’t afford to miss out on any type of revenue… Except ad revenue…? x_x 

How to increase the involvement of my visitors… Reading through my personal struggle is boring… It’s getting boring to express it, too x_x. 

It would be nicer to have fun and collective tangibles. Such as a magazine from and for all publicists. And the tangibles from my thesis :D.

I guess that’s what I should make the article about… Hoping to find some Graeynissis who would like to support me… 

I’m also just going to make my website a partial e-commerce site… 


Blog, Online Diary

Monday, February 4, 2019

14:35 (02:35 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

That video, for which I’ve been recording yesterday, too, will have to wait… I’m not going to upload something I’m not proud of, and to feel that for a video, I need a better location and Graeynissis to film with, I notice… I’m too alone in my content, which isn’t attractive to an audience. 

No special e-mails in my mailbox today… I’m going to eat something, write down the full story concept for the NTI series – because I’m thinking of giving that all away at once and seperating that part from the book series – while my food digests and then go jogging later. Meow xxx


21:49 (09:49 PM) 

Running was nice. It was veryyy cold, though, and my running pants are too large for me now, so every time I tried to sprint, they sagged beyond my butt, which was quite annoying, so I didn’t run for long. 

Meoww my situation is getting so trippy x_x. I’m in semi-ragdoll-mode, waiting to see if I have a shot at support of my [independent…? Then it would not be independent anymore? Unless everyone who might become involved, does this independently, instead of in the name of the University, which is (partially?) sponsored by the government (if I’m correct). Whether it’s done independently or not, doesn’t matter to me that much anymore… As long as it’s put into practice] research project. It seems like my last hope. It’s also what I betted the Volta of my external factors on. 

If the University [I know it’s usually not necessarily with a capital letter] accepts my offer, that means that people who agree with my vision exist – otherwise it shouldn’t be accepted – and I’ll finally have a “tangible argument” against those who say that I’m all alone in my stance and that I should let go of my beliefs and conform myself to the proletarian existence [that is every fucking person I speak of my endeavors with]. It’s my last hope, because it’s certain those who don’t believe in me would ever help me. And what I want to accomplish, can’t be accomplished all by myself, for it touches on sooooo many different types of expertise. 

Of course I do not want to cause pressure on the selection process. (Especially when the doubt is still about whether or not to allow me in at all.) For some reason my mom wants to read my book, even though she always tells me that she can’t understand my writing. I expected people from my social circle to not read my books again, so I was fully open and honest about how I feel about my current life and its recent past. (In the parts where I use myself to show how the method works. If it works for me, it will work for you, too, for sure.) I didn’t buy copies on purpose, because I don’t want them to read it. I want future pioneers to read it… My Graeynissis… They can understand me ๐Ÿ™ . If she really orders it, it’s only a matter of time, until the giganticness of my faรงade becomes clear. And I will want to distance myself from this life forever, right away, the way I actually already want things to be, since 2017. I don’t want a dramatic discussion. And especially no therapy x_x. It’s a great controversy. You should read it hahaha….. 


23:41 (11:41 PM) 

That dramatic discussion is only if my content is understood. But, of course, that’s the risk that is taken, now that I chose to publish (another) book that involves my personal situation. A serious occupation that involves Graeynissis, I’ll devote all of the time I have to, would save me from that, though. It would also make me happy and give me the distance I so desperately need. 

My occupation while waiting haha meow… Spider stays cool ๐Ÿ˜€ . But I would love to do something more fun and challenging… 

Tomorrow, I’ll work on my SEO [so many of my posts are undefined in search engines] and make a sitemap. I’ll also make my version of pasta carbonara and write an article I’ll use as my cornerstone…

I hope tomorrow will bring me good news ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Good night

I love you โ™ฅ

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, February 3, 2019

02:44 (AM) 

I’m in bed now. After sleeping, I want to touch on what happens to me during small talk, the emotional pain from seeing my relatives, a dream so big that I fear to share it with my Graeynissis because I’m afraid they’ll say no, Volta and what I call human vultures. 

Sweet Dreams โ™ฅ

I love you โ™ฅ


13:39 (01:39 PM) 

Hiii :Dโ™ฅ

How’s your weekendd? ๐Ÿ™‚

Mine is all right. I’m still in bed haha…. I’ll get up to do some pre-eating and “making” croissants soon. First, I’d like to start on what I wanted to say about small talk. 

When I’m not talking, I’m always thinking deeply, in a very concentrated state.  The creative challenge in creating a new world, is always on my mind. In silence, I try to combine the concepts I know and/or have reasoned out, and try to think of them put together, to mentally simulate that, and think of if it would last as the fundament of a new world. 

Then having to let go of my train of thought, to engage in small talk, always makes me a little tense, because I worry if I’ll remember where to pick up, where I left off, when the conversation is over. 

For example, I try to simulate if it’s financially healthy for both sides (so “Planet Earth” and “Planet Fang” (on the same soil(?))), when Planet Fang buys the earthly houses of its citizens, to give them Fangia (its valuta) to spend (not to buy a new house, because they get that for free), and sells, rents out or uses those houses for whatever purpose, and Planet Fang’s bank is where everyone deposits all they have, and it becomes “a collective account”. How do we then not make Planet Earth go bankrupt, how should spending restrictions for that account be stated, would people enjoy this ride… (I need sexy Graeyniss sexy expertise to answer my questions with certainty!!!) That’s what my brain is semi-working on, but then, mid reasoning process… Things like  “Look at this funny video!” or “I’ll give you some advice on life, wrapped in a story about myself,” make me have to switch up what I use my brain for. 

There are the most loving intentions behind it, I know that, and I love my people for that, but it’s a distraction from something that is needed and necessary for survival…

Okayy I’m going to brush my teeth and eat. Meanwhile, check this out ๐Ÿ˜€ : [haha that distracting choice of words is meant as a joke]

Haha why do I never make it to a leaderboard? Spider solitaire is addictive!


19:45 (07:45 PM)

Meoww I wonder what you want to read about. Or what you like to read about. That’s what I want to write. I bet that’s not the topics I listed in the beginning of this post. 

But to quickly stick to my words: the acting casual, as if nothing was going on and it’s normal that I don’t want to live at home, was painful. 

We should unplug all of our intellectual capital and assets out of the current system and independently create a system of our own, with our Graeyniss for Graeyniss business (land).

I want to record some Graeynissis talking about Volta, to increase sales… It sounds like the only way… It also sounds like sexy fun ๐Ÿ˜€ . To have Graeynissis talk about it, is all I write for, truthfully. 

I need a solution to these “Ayy gurl where you goin’? What’s yo number?” type of people I, for some weird reason, can’t say “No please just fucking leave me alone,” to. They’re really like vultures in a way. Waiting until the prey is unaccompanied by another male. Some arm candy to fend them off and to be less lonely. I permanently don’t want to sleep alone anymore ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

This is not bad… I screenshotted this earlier today, because I thought of sharing this “accomplishment” hahaha. I should add this to my curriculum vitae HAHA just kidding.


23:26 (11:26 PM) 

Meoww I’m off to bed. I hope tomorrow will bring me good news. I have no idea in what format I’ll be given my news. But this is the only way I have to hear something. Usually my ways of reaching out can be ignored, when they’re too different from the standard procedures, but in this case, I am entitled to hear anything about it. I don’t know how my case is interpreted from someone I don’t know personally, and usually I just don’t hear anything, but this time it would be not following the procedure, if I were ignored. 

Responding to my request requires a lot of creativity! Because it stems from pure creativity. I wonder how the respondent(s) will approach it. I hope I’ll be reading a lot of positive words. A lotttt of words. It will make my heart very happy.

Meoww I’m off to bed 

Good night 

I love you 

xxx – 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, February 2, 2019

01:10 (AM)

The uploading of the video will be postponed to Monday or Tuesday (if I’m not saved by a miracle today and not have to endure the emotional pain of today and whatever will follow), because, even though I find it quite fun(ny) already, there are some things I’d like to elaborate on, some new things I want to add and some things I’ll have to retake, because of my articulation… I want to upload a video that suits “the standard”, this time. So I’ll continue with all of that, after today’s party. 

Meoow I want to have a Graeyniss to cling to and forever leave with, at the party… But I always want that, truthfully. Even when there’s no party. 

But I’ll probably feel lonely as usual, while socializing and smiling all of the time, and act so casual with my father, people will wonder why I’m not staying at home. I already can’t wait for it to be over. I really don’t want to see him ever again. Having to, makes me want to run again, but I’m too broke for that. 

A full-time job doesn’t bring me big and fast money, plus it sucks, but it’s all I can do, if my offer is refused. I’ll keep waiting and hope that it won’t be. I need my own, very private and secluded place. 

I’ll be dreaming about it

I love you 


14:31 (02:31 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Please God, may it be the last day I do something like this

If I’d always be honest, I wouldn’t be able to attend to something like this, because of my different philosophy on life, which is unaccepted by many. That it’s unaccepted makes me angry, underneath my faรงade.  I wish to find my fellow pioneers… Why aren’t we just neighbors or something x_x. 

Look at my Fang map ๐Ÿ˜€ 

The places where my blog is and/or has been read

I’ll be socializing and helping with getting the party location ready and later probably serving drinks from behind the bar xxx


19:45 (07:45 PM) 

Mini update:

My party prepping task was wrapping cakes

I later, when there were no guests yet, resorted to the children’s table, where the eldest grandchild, who was also there for party prepping, asked me if I wanted to make an anime character on his phone. Meet Fangs ๐Ÿ™‚

And I colored this haha

When the guests and the birthday girl (she turned 70) arrived, I chose to stand behind the bar, which was what I’ve been doing all night 

Eating nice food behind the bar

21:54 (09:54 PM) 

Meow… From the way I’m not able to update my blog from here – as in updating this post – either there’s so much traffic coming to my website right now (because I’m still able to send and receive text messages, so it can’t be my phone service), or there’s another magical reason for not being able to reach it… Meow I’m also not able to reach it from my browser. I hope I’m attracting Graeynissis ๐Ÿ˜€ 😻. I also noticed an intense peak in web traffic last weekend. As in more than 1000% more than what I usually have on average. Is it Graeyniss day, every Saturday? ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I’m still behind the bar. It’s the perfect social load for me, in this situation. Not too much conversing, but still some nice exchanges of words, and having something to do and stuff… I do can’t wait for the perfect type of conversation, though. I pray I hear something from them on Monday and may endulge myself in delightful conversations with those sexy Graeynissis. 

This unpaid labor and my fully maxed out account, because of that awful health insurance, and still not earning enough to live from, are making me feel wild meoww… May Monday be good to me ๐Ÿ™ . Haha meow my patience x_x. 


23:10 (11:10 PM) 

Ah I recognized someone from the holiday to Italy (Udine) a few years ago. She’s really cool ๐Ÿ™‚ . We might be doing something fun soon ๐Ÿ™‚ . Ah meow, I gave her my card, but forgot to ask her number ๐Ÿ™ . I rarely take the initiative to text someone, lately, so that could have played a role. But I would make an exception for her ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Friday, February 1, 2019

00:28 (12:28 AM) 

I have so many posts (about 314 now), I wonder if someone would find it worthwhile to expose him or herself to the contents of my mind, and be able to understand my thoughts and see that every word on my websites is actually a scream for Graeyniss help in non-caps-lock. The troubles I’m facing won’t be understood by regular people, because my content requires beyond-regular reasoning, to be understood. 

My posts are the most clear, when you’ve read them all (and my books as well), because everything relates to each other. But when you stumble upon this for the first time now, new articles (and books) keep being added, while you read your way back in time. If you do… It must have a happy end somehow, so it’s a fun read ๐Ÿ™‚ . Especially because what defines the happy end is the veryyy heavyweight question of many. Even of me, since I depend on Graeynissis… But it must include Cishes ๐Ÿ˜€

Cishe? ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoww I was feeling Cuddle about the way the lighting on my face was and the way it made my face contour(ing) look, but my phone camera wasn’t showing what I saw with my naked eyes, so my expression is a bit un-cuddle…

That’s a new sweater, by the way, which falls a bit large, but I don’t want to trade it or whatever, because I loveee having new clothes and I don’t like being in busy clothing stores. This one is fron H&M, which was crazy busy compared to the one in Rotterdam Alexander, when I selected it here in Amsterdam, when my mother took me to lunch in the city center, last Saturday. She bought it for me ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’m petting now… There are so many feelings I feel like sharing, but I’m so tired of this routine of typing posts on my phone… I would love to go back to writing for myself, with pen and paper. And post videos and essays here weekly. Ones of really good quality… Supported by Graeynissis, approved by Graeynissis, made for Graeynissis 😻. Haha yeah man “scientifically proven *whatever*” should become “approved by Graeynissis” 😋. Ahahahaha! 😹😹😹

Meoow I’m going to sleep. I’ll be dreaming about you being my forever Graeyniss. (Graeynissis are always forever, so that was een pleonasme. Of dat andere woord dat ermee verward wordt. Kan er even niet op komen x_x.) Please tell me you don’t have plans for Saturday ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night โ™ฅ

I love you โ™ฅ


13:40 (01:40 PM) 

Good afternoon, my Cuddle โ™ฅ

I wonder what I should occupy myself with, now that my book is published, and I have about max 4 more weeks to wait… 

I feel like playing the piano, but that’s not an option here. I think I’m going to write and take a long walk through the snow. And record a video? And write with pen and paper. Write with pen and paper and record a video about that, while I walk through the “snow” (it’s just a tiny layer). Yay :D. I’ll upload it to my YouTube channel… I hope my Graeynissis will watch 🙊. 

Know that the thought of that will make me a little nervous while filming it, because I find Graeynissis so Cuddle… And I consider it an introduction of Fangs (2.0 compared to the other videos on my channel)… But that’s Graet, isn’t it, my Graeyniss?

I’m going to get up, shower, eat, mail my Vicje to say that my book is published because he has asked me about that several times in the past, prepare my video on paper and then record it. 

Haha meoow in a group chat, I saw that my meow has been sending people sexy chocolate with a picture of a car under water on it, with the text “Thinking of you” on it. I want it ๐Ÿ™ . I wonder what his exact hidden message is. I want to mention it in the mail. I don’t know what type of tone I should use. I’ll be thinking about that while I shower xxx


21:54 (09:54 PM)

Meoww I’ve mailed that sexy Graeyniss of mine and recorded the video off the top, in a walk to the park. The rest of the time I spent socializing with friends of family friends and family friends. We were doing party preparations for tomorrow. 

I helped to cut and wrap thiss

Here’s the link for Volta, for my Apple users [thanks to Jamiro for letting me use his iPhone to search for it]:

Hehe here’s what I sent to my Vicje:

Lieve Victor,

Omdat u altijd zo lief vraagt naar hoe het met mijn schrijven gaat, wanneer ik u zie, wil ik u graag met vreugde mededelen dat mijn nieuwste boek <i>Volta</i> nu in de meeste (internationaal gevestigde) online schappen te vinden is. 

Het gaat over het beรฏnvloeden van de rede en het eigen levenspad, door middel van een zelf bedachte schrijfstrategie, die ik al een aantal jaren toepas. Met oog op de toekomst. Het is geschreven voor Graeynissis.

Ik zou u heel graag een exemplaar willen toesturen! Daarom is mijn vraag of uw voorkeur uit gaat naar een papieren boek, of een e-boek. (Of allebei!) En waar u de zending het liefst ontvangt. 

Via mijn hoogseizoenscollega’s heb ik vernomen dat u een selecte groep mensen, kaartjes en chocolade heeft gestuurd, met de mededeling dat u aan ze denkt. Ik vind dat zo mooi! En zoooooo ontzettend jammer dat ik zelf niks ontvangen heb… Ik ben echt heel benieuwd naar de achterliggende gedachte achter deze bijzondere openbaring. Vooral de afbeelding van de auto die zich onder water bevindt, zie ik als een interessant symbool. 

Ik hoop u weer een keer te zien en te spreken. (Het liefst voor altijd…) 

Als alles goed gaat, en u ervoor open staat, zou dit misschien kunnen, door middel van mijn concept voor een groot project, over maatschappelijke verandering, dat – indien mijn voorstel wordt geaccepteerd – in samenwerking met de Erasmus Universiteit, in gang gezet zou kunnen worden. 

Als dat niet het geval is, solliciteer ik direct voor iedere functie die er op het hoofdkantoor van de ANWB beschikbaar is. (Ik wil echt nergens anders werken, maar ben bang dat ik een hele onprofessionele indruk op u heb gemaakt.)

Hartelijke groeten,

van Dominique 

I normally never share what I send in my e-mails… I’m seriously blushing. I’m such a stalker x_x. 

I’ll edit the videos I made and then update it later. I’m quite tired, though ๐Ÿ™ . So maybe I’ll end up finishing it tomorrow… 


Blog, Online Diary, Reflections

Thursday, January 31, 2019

12:25 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I’m very glad that the marketing for Volta, in my own “(currently online) empire to be”, is visible everywhere. As for other (social) media marketing… My budget and the audience I’ve been reaching with it, make me prefer to seek other methods to promote it. I’d be satisfied if I can get 10 Graeynissis to read it… And then hope that they see my potential and want to ride this wave with me… 

Meoww as for promoting it in my own social circle… I’m not looking forward to commentary… Especially because with many, our philosophies differ so much… If I’d summarize this very abstractly, even though most of us don’t identity ourselves with a religion, the view on determinism falls within the same abstract. They’re Christians for believing that prosperity has already been initiated [“de Messias is al geweest”] and that life is now good enough and that it will stay that way. I’m Jewish (not really read in on the scripture to say that I’m an expert on this, but this is abstract, so) for saying that real prosperity is yet to come. [“De Messias moet nog komen”.] I consider this whole thing where these “Christians” [it includes the agnosts and atheists who also believe that life is this fixed routine] refer to me as a schizophrenic, because of what I believe in, and we still spend time together, the way the Dutch saying “Twee geloven op een kussen, daar slaapt de Duivel tussen,” is interpreted. It causes a lot of disagreements, which are not healthy for me (and them, but mostly for me, because I keep my 10000001 arguments why I disagree, to myself, because my words are rarely understood), so in my view it’s best to go our separate ways, and I’m not proud of the way I’ve brought the message, but our views differ too much to discuss it. I don’t want to take distance from every single person I’ve ever met, I guess, but for sure a good 95% of them. I believe that I don’t want to distance myself from Jam and Eli. They seem people who could live according to my belief. I for sure don’t want every single being to do that. I value quality and good hearts. They’re one of the veryyyyyyy few people who haven’t hurt me. Maybe Viktor also… 

To me, that’s enough humans for the ride, because the process of deconstructing someone’s pessimism about our universal future is suc a fucking annoying and dreadful draining of my own energy, I prefer to only “reward” those who have kept my heart apart to the largest extent, for this. Other than that, I want my life to be all Graeyniss 😻. The types of Graeynissis who can hear me reason, and those who are positively interested (not gaining information to later ridicule it) in it, who are open to my belief. I can only try get along with someone who has the same belief as I. A fucking way overused overrated counter argument here would be: “But you should get to know all kinds of people.” I know all kinds of people, and that’s exactly why I can now say that I want to stop seeing most of them, with the outmost certainty. 

If you’d excuse me… I have some berries to pick up [*semi-subtle camera zooming in while putting on sunglasses* haha that’s a joke] so I need to shower and eat and stuff… I’ll be back [HAHA] xxx


19:23 (07:23 PM) 

Meoow I have my berries 😻 .

Meoow the taste of this reminds me of when I was little

And I made pasta, because she who owns the house is not feeling well. I used salmon, spinach, white wine, thyme, oregano, creme fraรฎche, aromat, unions and garlic. 

It was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚

I want to be in cuddle-mode to tell you the rest of the things I want to tell you xxxx


Blog, Media, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

01:48 (AM) 

Yay! I just received the e-mail ๐Ÿ™‚ . Volta is accepted in all other stores as well! Within a few hours, it will be visible everywhere. Finally, a deadline on which I’m not still working on the text of the book and/or the cover on the day itself 😿. It’s so embarrassing to have such a life where random nonsense can take away my time and focus on my (unpaid) work. It doesn’t suit my true personality… That’s why I’m trying to earn my way out of it and away from it… 

Here are some links the book is available at already:

I’ve also signed up for publishing my works in the Royal Library, I’ve received a request for โ™ฅ. Hehe with my eyes on the future, I’ve also registered myself as a publisher of “proefschriften”. My publisher’s prefix is 829368! (Which is what you see in my ISBNs.)

Meoww I should eat something… One day, my releases will be real (wildly awesome) parties with my real supporters… 

I’ll be taking a short break from writing things here, until I have rested some more

I love you 


11:24 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I’ve slept very well and have managed to not throw up what I ate (moussaka, like yesterday), even though I felt like it. I hope my stomach will stop acting up soon ๐Ÿ™ . 

This ASKfm question has made me crave for golden berries 😻. One of my grandmothers used to buy that for us very often. I never come across them when I’m doing grocery shopping. They seem hard to find, but I’ve ordered them last night 😻. I’m picking them up tomorrow! ๐Ÿ˜€ I crave for them so much now, I can barely wait… 

There’s another fruit I’m craving for now, which she used to buy for us as well, but I can’t remember its name… Unfortunately she doesn’t remember it either. Now that she has dementia, she doesn’t remember that she has had a very long phase in her life, in which she concerned herself with eating (the utmost) healthy. Maybe you can help me out with this… It’s an orange fruit with a crisp-ish skin, a thread-like inside texture and a large dark pit. It has an oval shape, is about the size of a plum and sheds color. When you bite off the skin – biting because cutting will not leave much fruit to eat behind, and it’s something you really don’t want to miss out on – you can eat its delicious inside, which has a one-of-a-kind taste. It vaguely reminds me of yellow Fernandes. Peeling off the skin will mess up your fingernails, because the fruit sheds color. Do you know what fruit I’m speaking of? Meoww we should really eat it 😻.

I guess I’ll go downstairs to eat breakfast and afterwards start to rinse off the three days of being unshowered… I feel so nasty that I barely dare to sit on furniture. I’ll also “uitgebreid” wash my afro and change my bed sheets. And make that page for my new book, of course… I’m not very motivated to, because my books never sell and its content is veryyyyy controversial. In it, I’m also dissing a lot of things that are popular and I explain why definitive distance will be very good for me. (As an example of how to rid oneself of negative emotions.) And why it’s not “running away from a problem” [which is just an overused dramatic sounding bullshit oneliner] but solving it. That’s why, this time, I can’t even recommend it to the people in my social circle. Not that they keep up with my blog and have read my other books… 


23:50 (11:50 PM) 

Meoww, the page for Volta is done – besides that the book is still not online in the Apple Store, so I’ll wait for that an extra day. I’m currently finishing up the new homepage, but I came here to mention that unfortunately, even though the book was done in time, while it was written very spontaneously, I still needed a lot of time to come up with marketing texts for my website, so I haven’t had much time to leave messages for you here. My brain is fried and slow from all of the writing! That’s what happens when doing all of a publisher’s work, by oneself. At least I’m still free in pushing through my vision ๐Ÿ™‚ . May I find my Graeynissis soon… A handful of Graeynissis is equal to millions of people. I prefer intimacy and room for evolution ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’m going to continue to finish this website and also add it to the D.O.C.I.S. International website. Ah meoww and put the sheets around my blanket etc. so that I can go to sleep, which I already feel like doing, but I want to feel the satisfaction of being done. (The pressure can be taken with a grain of salt, because I haven’t marketed this release (and don’t intend to). I want to do things differently, and I want to show that differently works, too, in the end. And that its merit is much greater.)

There are many thoughts I want to share with you right now, but I guess I’ll have to postpone that to tomorrow. I’ll continue to work on my self-given obligation. 

I love you 


Blog, Media, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

11:43 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I fell asleep, not long after I stopped writing you yesterday. Without eating dinner, I slept until the morning. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. Now I’ve eaten moussaka for breakfast. I was crazy hungry… I was all dizzy and stuff… My stomach indicates that I might be throwing up again later x_x. Ah whyy meoww ๐Ÿ™ . 

Haha I used to listen to The Nausea by Tyga a lot when I was about 18. 

My paperback is live, I just saw in an email. I also noticed that someone has bought one of my books on Scribd, a while back, when I just checked my Smashwords account :)โ™ฅ. I usually don’t look at my sales, because my amount of sales is always very little and that is very depressing. May Volta sell… I’ll make the page for the book, when I’ve received the confirmation of the book’s acceptance to the stores Smashwords distributes to. Then I have more than 3 links to include, haha. 

Volta is about improving life and I’m currently a sick and smelly bed pet, who’s not living life according to her purpose… That might seem like I don’t practice what I preach, but the book also explains what I need for my own Volta. I’m the example subject in the book. For a better state of my emotions, I need more distance. (Yeah the usual dramatic way is to say let’s work things out, but if things need to be worked out, that’s a sign that it just doesn’t fucking work and why pull a dead horse, if I don’t even want it…) And a new social circle… Which is also what I need to succeed in the accomplishment of my purpose. 

For distance, I need money to move. (Everyone knows that. For some reason, they want to keep me. I don’t fucking understand that.  We have nothing in common…) I hope Volta will assist me in this. For my purpose and new social circle, I need Graeynissis 😻. So may my alternative offer at the University be accepted, and may I be reunited with my B…

Meoow I haven’t showered in three days now, and I’m still wearing the same panties x_x. I’ll have to get up and make that page, at some point… If I hear about those other stores today… Otherwise, it might be tomorrow… Or the day after, haha x_x. Meoow I never want to get out of bed… Until I’ve found my Graeynissis. 

Omgg meoww I want to give a lecture about my book 😻. May Graeynissis enjoy my book… I know you want to live a different life ๐Ÿ˜€ . It’s so common, a book about it must be able to sell… For you, the most drastic change is feasible!!! Cat me please :D. (That doesn’t necessarily have to relate to that drastic change. When I think about being appreciated by Graeynissis, I sometimes just can’t control how much I want to cuddle you…)

But I don’t want to give away too much, so please read it :D.

Meoww there’s something that imcreases my tachycardia, I would like to share with you… I want to order my own copy, but I want to be able to move and be with my Graeynissis before the book is delivered. That’s February 1st, haha… It feels so wrong to bed pet in a house where everyone works. My petting might be hard to understand… Just like my personal Volta. I want to have my copy delivered at my own house. I literally mean me owning a house, which is currently not the case. I’m just so tired of being given advice about the basics of life. The reason why I don’t conform to it is not because I don’t understand it. It’s because I find it sooooo fucking dumb. I don’t want to hear it anymore. And I don’t want to hear my odd actions turn into gossip every time. Sure, I don’t give a fuck if it does, in general. I’d just rather not have to look that person in the eyes ever again. Meoow I can’t wait for this distance. And giving people money to stop contacting me? I want to focus on my purpose, which is overthrowing the system…


22:55 (10:55 PM) 

The fact that I can’t hold in any food, while dealing with the heaviest stomach ache and loss of muscle strength, and can’t get proper medical assistance in this country, is the icing on the cake. If I die, the chances of this planet lasting are absolutely fucking zero. Remember each fucking party involved. 

I need a friend with whom I can discuss the practical side of my endeavor. Someone who concerns him or herself with the same thing, and also wants to take action. With emphasis on taking action. Not only because I’m tired of meaningless conversations.  The environmental clock is ticking… Ice forms itself during the Winter and melts during the Summer. Sort of… I’m indirectly speaking of when risk is the greatest. I sound like a broken record… But at least no one can say that I didn’t mention it. At least the water then won’t be that cold. Of course, there has been fucked around with nature so much that every season is a risk. 

The feelings I’m stuck in are finite. I can’t be in this same situation next year… Hmm… I said the same thing in 2017. Besides no active psychiatric surveillance, not much has changed since then. I could make myself a little more comfortable by earning some, but all I have a qualification for is a superficial routine that includes following a script and interacting with shallow beings, which – speaking from experience – feeds my thoughts of suicide. I’ll let the response period of six weeks, which must now be about four, decide over that as well. My admission decides over more than my success. I can survive under no other circumstances. Not only because of the emotional pain that relates to the way my intelligence is unacknowledged. 

Volta is a book that really can’t be judged by its cover. It also can’t be judged by its excerpt. Only when the questions and suggestions, spread over the main chapters, are analyzed, everything will fit together in a suggested path. That’s what’s judgable. 

Meoww I really hope it will be appreciated and that it will be good for my network and endeavor. In that way, I can finally live a happy life, by, instead of being forced to go home at some point, moving to a personal place where I can really be all alone if I want to. 

I haven’t received that e-mail yet. I’m not on the priority list, because I hadn’t filled out my release date x_x. So if I’ll make the 30th, for my on-(web)site promotion, is not certain. Uncertain, as in I might not be able to market that on the day itself. 

My book is way “underpriced”, by the way, since I’m giving you a new (perspective on) life, from which you’ll benefit, for $3.77 (or $7.77, if you buy the paperback). But I find it more important that it’s read. And it’s an indirect way of attempting to increase paperback sales. The price of the paperback is the usual ebook price. Is that too cheap for a Graeyniss? Because that’s not what I want… High demands might influence my pricing policy? It’s still exclusive knowledge… I haven’t shared my exact method on this website ever. 

Haha I secretly hope Volta will cause some Volta related cause to not have to go to that party coming Saturday, where I don’t know most of the attendants and my family is going, too. I’m here to not have to face my father. And now “here” is organizing a party where he is, of coursee, invited to as well. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to explain why I’m not going. I also don’t want to lay in bed instead of going there. I want to be giving a lecture about my book or something… Being a good kid earning some money. Finally having real fun. Not being a reason for complaints, while having so many fucking reasons to complain. I know you want to know everything about this mysterious Fangs ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

The thought of time just working itself to that moment, and having no [money to buy a house and say no I’m not going] way to escape the misunderstanding that comes with not going, so if nothing happens, I’ll be going, gives me shortness of breath. I always act very yay about social gatherings, but most often, that’s just my faรงade talking. 

I need to catch some fresh air… (Haha let’s go to Germany.) I’ll be doing that tomorrow, I guess… Sucks that I’m still quite unfamiliar with the quiet areas here. And that if I go outside, just to breathe, I have no one looking out for me in case I collapse, and I also can’t pee when I need to. If those things – and food, even though I can go days without food – weren’t factors, I could be outside all day. 

May the expression of worry change into expressions of certainty, success and happiness soon. 


Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Monday, January 28, 2019

08:33 (AM)

My love! โ™ฅ

I’ve still not slept. I’m now doing the finishing touches for Volta. I accidentally already published it, on some websites. So the release date is not the 30th, but the 28th of January… 118 pages in a week!!!!!!!!!!! But I still need to link the pages and make everything look cool and readable for you… I’m trying to impress you…

Here’s the cover!

The cover includes a very abstract cross sectional data analysis model that describes the overall Volta, sort of…

Meowwss I just saw the (generatedยฟ) comments on that what not to include article. I want to say yay, but I can’t tell if they’re positive x_x. If they are, then yay ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ. I wonder how they got there 😋.

Ooh my meownisss I haven’t slept in far too long… But I only need to click through the preview of the paperback and the pricing stuff, and then I’m fully doneeeee and all I need to do then, is wait. And update my websites with links to the stores the book is available in… Maar dat terzijde. Dat kan morgen ook! Ik wil slapen ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Ik hou van je โ™ฅ

Alvast goede morgen terwijl ik zo ga liggen… Ik ben zo moe dat ik misselijk ben. Maar nu weet ik zeker dat alles beschikbaar is op de 30ste! Als het goed is… Haha…. (Maar ik heb dan waarschijnlijk wel mijn paperback nog niet binnen… Maar dat maakt niet uit, I guess……..)


09:10 (AM)

Aah meow, I had to vomit, as soon as I laid down. I’ll not be able to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while now, now that I experience this after taste… I feel like I need to go again… But meoww I’m going to force myself to sleep. I said that the sickness is caused by fatigue, but I wonder what the real cause is… I hope it’s not my pancreas ๐Ÿ˜€ .

At least I have Volta out now… Meoow this University must save me… Even though my mother has advised me to assume that I’ll just start following the regular route in September. I said that refusing my offer would be stupid. And then she said that people are stupid, which I can’t deny… But Graeynissis are not stupid meow! That’s all over Volta as well!!! (The contrast…) Haha you should read it ๐Ÿ˜€ . It’s really written for Graeynissis only… It’s on Smashwords already. I accidentally selected “publish now” instead of preorder, so it’s available there already, and will, after acceptance, be distributed to iBooks and Kobo and stuff…

Meoww gotta rest my eyes and brain and stuff, hoping that I won’t have to… Ah, meow x_x xx

20:51 (08:51 PM)

Meowss I really wonder what the reason for my sickness is… Haha I took a picture… I share everything with you right… If you have a weak stomach, scroll down very fast ๐Ÿ˜€ 

It was crazy much, but looks less now, because I peed over it before taking a picture. Usually people think that I just want their attention when I say that I’m feeling sick. This is my way of saying that that’s nonsense… I haven’t even told anyone this… I just posted it here and hoped that I wasn’t going to die in my sleep…

Haha eww I wonder why it has this color. It looked as if it was mixed with blood

At some point, my stomach felt empty, but my body just kept pushing this strange fluid out of me. And then, when I felt like I was done – it was more meditating on just not continuing to vomit – and I laid down in bed again, with the worst stomach ache I’ve ever had, I had to get up to uncontrollably vomit again. I had that about four times, and afterwards I was able to sleep until about 7… 

I haven’t eaten anything today, besides that PBJ sandwich I ate around 4 in the night, when the binge writing of Volta was starting to make me hungry… I’m afraid that when I’ll eat, the need to vomit will come back again…

So I’m still in bed… Meooowww I hope my Graeynissis will buy, read and enjoy Volta… I’m quite proud of the way everything fits together in the end. And the way we could let our life’s paths intertwine so very easily and how this could perfectly suit my alternative route at the Erasmus University! If that goes through… I sooo hope to see my B again, and his fellow Graeynissis 😻. I hope they will all write Volta’s and let me read them… 

Meoow I’m still tired and hungry at the same time…. I’m going to drink some water and try to rest for as long as possible, before I will reaallyy have to eat…. I’ll talk to you later cutieeโ™ฅ

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 27, 2019

02:33 (AM) 

Meoww I haven’t had much time to write yesterday. But I surely have thought of you! I took a some pictures I wanted to share with you. And I have an update on Volta ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

This yesterday’s my lunch at Bridges:

L-t-r: herring and its eggs; a carrot with wasabi, sesame and seaweed [fave out of three]; and a madeleine (maybeยฟ I’m writing it incorrectly) which had a lot of subtle sweet, salty and sour flavours

Mussels topped with cream, pistachio and a lottt of ingredients that were new to me and rapidly listed. I would love to use it in my own dishes, though. (That’s always, when I eat at this type of restaurant.)

Mackerel, black garlic mousse, kroepoek made of seaweed, dashi(?) and more foreign tastes. The quality of the fish itself was very nice.

I got the un-cuddle plate every time ๐Ÿ™ . This is cod with obvious other ingredients. I think this was my favorite course, next to that carrot. Not because it’s obvious! Because I love the subtle taste of roomboter, combined with soft fish and potatoes. 

The financhรฉ (might be writing it wrong again) on the left in the back was my favorite. Very crispy! Then it’s the chocolate with five spices, in the middle in the front. Then the crisp nougat. Then the passion fruit macaroon. Then the coconut covered marshmallow. And then the white chocolate, filled with ยฟ. I drank jasmine tea with this ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meoww, because we were in the city center, I thought of buying a dress for you, in case I’m lucky enough to become a Graeyniss.

This was option A, but I need to lose a few pounds for this

So I chose this one. I hope the cleavage isn’t too much…

I’m very thankful that my mother payed all of this for me. I, myself, still only have accounts that are almost maxed out. I hope that one day, I can pay her back, and give her even more than that. 

I hope that that day will come soon. I hope Volta will sell. 

I’ve just finished the reference summary for later today, for when I [attempt to…] finish the book. It’s going to be legendary! For the reader and for me… We answer questions throughout the chapter, and all of those separate answers, form the perfect life’s path, when you put them in the right order!! I expected it to work, because I know it does, but I didn’t expect it to fit so perfectly. Our paths intertwining might be inevitable after this! Please read it!!! 😻

I’m happy :D. I hope I make it in time, though. Meoww I write for Graeynissis… Not at all for (familiar……) plebians. I don’t recommend it for familiar faces, whose relationship with me has changed negatively, because my Volta includes me airing out my heart and being very honest about how I truly feel underneath my facade. Some people really don’t want to know how I feel underneath all of this… Underneath this:

Many thanks to my mom for taking this picture part 1

Thanks part 2 meoww ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m going to eat something, because my stomach sounds like a heavy metal band, and then I’ll be going to sleep 

Sweet Dreams 

I Love You ♥


Blog, Online Diary

Saturday, January 26, 2019

03:24 (AM) 

Meowss chapter 3 is done, too ๐Ÿ™‚ . There are a few Volta’s within the Volta. I want to not reveal them, so that the reading experience will be more fun. It’s such a challenge to keep it to myself here, though, because I’m so excited about them! I’m quite proud of myself ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Haha please read it ๐Ÿ˜€ . It’s about 74 small pages now. Meowss I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow’s nice experience awaits… I have nothing to wear x_x. Anywayyy 

Good night! 

I love you ♥


Blog, Online Diary

Friday, Januray 25, 2019

13:47 (01:47 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Three days left until I need to submit Volta to the stores, so that it will be available in time. 

The types of works I publish now, are published within the limitations of my personal situation. When I’m not a publicist and publisher on a budget anymore, living under a lot less uncertainty, my writing will be a lot less influenced by attempts to adapt my words to what I think my reader would like. When I’m freed from this uncertainty – please let me know what you think, when you read it – and I can maintain myself with what I publish, I can also provide myself with an environment that allows me to (fucking) focus on my work. (Hahaha grrr….) 

There’s a huge contrast between a publishing Fangs on a budget, and an established Fangs who publishes. You’ll notice it very clearly, when you purchase my works from while I’m still undiscovered. (And with your purchase, you save my life.)

Meowss I just ate (first yoghurt with granola and later pasta carbonara left overs) and now I’m going to get ready and head over to the 5th floor of the library 😋.


16:02 (04:02 PM) 

The difference you’ll notice, is the certainty in my words. I state my philosophy – calling it my philosophy and not someone else’s, because I don’t use any other person’s work for reference material – as an unacknowledged independent authority. Becoming an acknowledged independent authority, is never certain, in my current situation. I try to hide the uncertainty in every word, in Volta – the factors that cause the uncertainty are still stated in the book, though. 

My words are often just abstract descriptions of the shit that is really going on. With Volta, I want to change that. I don’t want to hide the way I truly experience life anymore. But there are some factors that leave me no choice but to hide this, because they’ll limit me in my being, the way they did the last time I expressed this. Volta will help me get rid of those factors, and give me real freedom. It will do the same for you. It could also cause a shift in the system, if my readers follow my initiative. 

When I say “system”, I mean the mechanism that combines the economic system (financial, the choices we have available, …), with the system of law, politics, et cetera. That what we are (or the majority is) subjected to. 

I’ll be doing some revision and start on my third chapter xxx


20:24 (08:24 PM) 

Haha the progress is looking well. I’m already on my way back home, though. I’m crazy hungry and I’m in the mood for food with a nice taste… I kept writing until my laptop battery died. 

After dinner and some rest, I’ll continue. My mother is taking me to a very good restaurant tomorrow, to have lunch. It’s called Bridges. I’m looking forward to the experience. It means a lot less time to write, though… But I’ll be fine… 

The controversy in the third chapter, is hilarious. Haha my philosophy behind my attitude towards society, is included in the chapter about “social comfort”. Of course, it’s there to be Volta’d ๐Ÿ™‚ . The book has a happy ending. (When it’s read haha… I need money for my Volta.)

After Volta‘s release, I should be able to take myself on a real holiday… Right…? Meoow my right eye keeps twitching from the fatigue of all of this haha…

Some insecurity about my writing, is because I’m not sure if you mentioning the shit from my personal life in a book, would be appreciated. If it were about Michael Jackson, people would appreciate it. I’m not “established” like he was. But shouldn’t there be room for new established people? Save a spot for me, please… Not for the bullshit in gossip magazines, but just some room for me to create a hype among Graeynissis and cause a shift in paradigm… 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, January 24, 2019

04:34 (AM) 

Meowss chapter 2 isn’t finished yet… But I’m loving it a lot more, now that I’ve summarized the cause of my current feelings. The next step is explaining those feelings in detail, and explaining the feelings I want to have in detail. That’s what I’ll be doing today. In one of Amsterdam’s public libraries, because even though the temperature will fluctuate between 0 and – 6 degrees Celsius: I have been indoors for far too long. I hope it won’t be too slippery outside, because I’ll be carrying my laptop bag in my hand. (The shoulder cord broke, in my second to last year of high school… That’s how long I have it… I’m sustainable… And not having that much money… Plus, my taste is overly specific.)

The book is 42 small pages now. (But there’s a chapter to finish and a few chapters to write, still.) I want it to be a “pocket”-sized book. Clarity is important, but so is thickness, for this pocket guide. (Isn’t that Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ˜€ ) 

The summary is part of the example of my “how to flip your life over” method. It has worked in the past, for me, but then, I didn’t have any external factors interfering. The renewed method, includes how to cause that shift, and don’t allow external factors to fuck shit up. 

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. 

I love you so much

I hope you’ll love my new book! โ™ฅ

Good night


14:08 (02:08 PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’ll be visiting the public library of Amsterdam today, to work on Volta. It’s going to be a very cool book! ๐Ÿ˜€  There’s a lot of diversity in its content, the way the content of the Nosce Te Ipsum series is diverse. But this book is more promotable than that series is! I’ll be doing its marketing on the platforms I release them on. Facebook and Instagram have increased my web traffic in the past, but I (still) haven’t found an audience that understands and appreciates my one-of-a-kind content… I’m keeping my fingers crossed for these Graeynissis…! 

I mentioned something about “counter media” by means of correcting for that false publicity and clearing my name, but now I think it’s best to keep things silent until the tangibles of my thesis are done, because I’m afraid a lot of people might whine about wanting to miss out on mandatory ugh like making tests et cetera. But the work I’ll do instead will be three times as hard and four times as challenging… And I want to be far ahead of any competition ๐Ÿ˜€ . Just kidding… I like competition, when it’s creative. Nevermind. Let people whine and try to do the same as I do ๐Ÿ™‚ . The bar is very high. 

Currently, I’m making my first meal of the day: a fried egg (ft. tomatoes, thyme and okra) with mashed parsnip. 

I often improvise something with whatever ingredients I find

I might also buy clothes in case I might be invited to meet some Graeynissis soon… Or maybe it’s better to do that online… Maybe I’ll just treat myself to a good meal somewhere. But I need to keep some cash aside for marketing my book and maybe taking a train to Rotterdam for that meeting. Haha meoow I really hope my offer won’t be refused, because the other paths to my Volta are very long. And this one is like literal magic ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Gotta flip this egg xxx


16:25 (04:25 PM) 

I’m in the metro on my way to the library now. I think I’ll stop for some food, before I go there. 

In Volta, I have minimalized my use of brackets. It’s suitable for a larger reach than the Nosce Te Ipsum series is, also because the content is more interesting for a greater diversity of people. Everyone wants to get the best out of life, and seeks methods for this. Not everyone is excited about being a research subject. Both book series include the encouragement of self-reflection, though. 

Haha I’m already tired – from my fucked up sleeping schedule. But I intend to keep up working on Volta in the library, so that I “have a reason” to wear makeup (it’s more of an excuse than a reason haha), walk, not wear sweatpants, be outside, et cetera. It’s also way better for my concentration, I think. And I intend to go to sleep before twelve tonight, so that I can go to the library earlier. I’m not going to the university library here, because they have a strange policy for non-students and I like working until closing time (if not past it…) ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


17:12 (05:12 PM) 

The public library of Amsterdam looks very pretty ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Haha struggling to find the right page to show you in this picture:

Haha me treating myself with some food, looks very different from when my parents take me along to whatever restaurant

But I’m enjoying my nerd session ๐Ÿ™‚ . The progress is looking well. But my second chapter just keeps getting longer and longer, and I’m now at “topic I want to touch on” 2 out of three [breaking grammar rules meoww yaay]. Haha this deadline will be a tight one, again. I’ll make it, though, and my content won’t look rushed! Haha why do I always find it more important to stick to my words? (Yeah because I can’t stand it when people point out that I haven’t. Those fucking hypocrites hahahaha.) 

I’ll be writing xxxx


19:27 (07:27 PM) 

Haha meoww discussing incoming mail (“post”) over text = tachycardia. I received another set of letters from the Dutch Tax Agency:

I’m confused? I never used that aftrek and there was no profit to account for? Only business expenses I didn’t mention, so actually I should get a tax back, but fuck the paperwork? Does this person want me to pay that? 


21:55 (09:55 PM) 

Meoww chapter 2 is done! It’s a fun read ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m exhausted! I’m on 57 pages now. No more writing for today! Besides preparing the paper summary for tomorrow, so that I won’t divagate too much. And sharing my thoughts with you ๐Ÿ˜€ . Haha shitt I’ve typed so much since What to not include in a motivation letter, I should change it to “keep an eye on my home page”. I’ve tried a newsletter, but no one signed up. Luckily, in retrospect, because that would give me even more writing deadlines. 

It’s so cold outside that it feels as if my nose is about to freeze off… I’m on my way back home. I’m wearing my Timberlands heels, because those are the only shoes with a profile that won’t make me slip. I thought, when I left… I now realize that I have a semi-formal pair of Timberlands in Amsterdam as well. (Most of my belongings are in Capelle, at my parents’, but most of my useful and valuable ones are in Amsterdam, with me. My outmost valuable belongings are with that bitch who stole my bag, in Berlin, of course. 

My poor external hard drives ๐Ÿ™ . My notebook… Letters from a Stoic… My wallet, my passport, my driver’s license, that leather wallet for my business cards, my jewelery… ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll never get over that x_x. I just want it back x_x. I would fang her. I think it’s that girl who asked me to zip up her dress, after which I was a bit out of focus, because I found her attractive. She was saying all kinds of things in German, but when I’m nervous, I can basically only speak Dutch, or bad English. I think in my rush to leave and not faint, I didn’t put my bag into my locker. If this would have happend in at the gym in Capelle, it wouldn’t have been stolen. But in Spandau, criminality is on a different level. The person where I used to stay at, regularly offered me stolen shit. Fucking immoral ugh. I wish there were a tracking device in my Toshiba hard drive ๐Ÿ™ . There’s soooooo much personal history on that niss. And the disk was already starting to make the noises of wear and tear, when reading data, so it had to be treated with care ๐Ÿ™ . Haha meoww this grief I feel x_x.

I’m almost home ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m just going to call it home. I feel more at home here anyway. But it’s still unnatural… I hope Volta will sell and that the Erasmus University will bring me good news ๐Ÿ™‚ . That’s my current “plan A”… 

I’m at my stop. Gotta walk xxxx 


23:35 (11:35 PM) 

I often walk while working on a post, but today, I had to literally keep my balance and look out for the places with the least ice on the ground. 

I’m too tired to do my pre-writing homework now, so I’ll do it tomorrow, before leaving. 

I look forward to tomorrow, because I love to write ๐Ÿ™‚ . Sucks that I don’t get paid for it hahaaa. I’ll stick to my deadline, because people might know/remember/have saved the date, when they’ve figured out the frequency in my release dates. Meoww I hope for purchases… And that everything will be shipped out to the online stores in time… I also need to design the cover. If I’m done by the end of the weekend, I’ll make it. 

Oh my god, this tax thing x_x. I’ve never accounted for all of my losses. I’ve always just filled out a 0, because it’s about very small amounts of money. (Relatively small… For me, it’s actually a lot.) But if I say that in a mail, they’ll want to raid my room for sure x_x. Haha they might bust my father. 

Meoow I can barely keep my eyes open… I’m going to sleep.

I love you 🙊

Good night โ™ฅ

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

02:29 (AM) 

Chapter one is done! ๐Ÿ˜€ I have the full concept for the book in mind already. I’ve been having it in mind for quite some time already, as you might have read. All I need to do, is write it down. And make a better promotional image for it… 

I hope you’ll love it! I hope our Volta’s will make our paths intertwine. I hope it will sell, because I’m such a poor catje ๐Ÿ™ . 

Haha indirectly, the book is also there to induce people to make a career shift and become a publicist ๐Ÿ˜€ . Volta encourages you to write! Meoww after sleeping and stuff, I’ll continue. 

If I write one chapter a day, I should be done writing on the 27th, haha. But the introduction always requires more energy and time to go over the content and change around the structure et cetera, because it’s a brief explanation of all that will be touched on later. In the chapters that follow, I can really let myself go. But the time and quantity don’t matter. As long as the message and (thus), more importantly, the definition of your Volta [usually a shift in a poem, but in this context, a shift in your life] is clear! Meoww I hope my uni and ANWB Graeyniss(is) will read it 😻. 

I’m off to bed!โ™ฅ

Good nightโ™ฅ

I love youโ™ฅ


20:22 (08:22 PM) 

Hi โ™ฅ

It’s going quite all right with the writing of Volta (part one). I worry a little about the clarity of my method in practice. In the first chapter, I describe my method of self-reflection and how this should be prepared for a Volta. (Your Volta, if you want one ๐Ÿ™‚ .)

In the second chapter, I start with explaining the situation of my own Volta, showing the (continuance of the) method in practice. But I don’t show my initial self-reflection. Maybe I should… Maybe that’s what I should turn it in to. Yep. That will be a lot clearer. Okayyy hahaa, my doubt is fixed… (Sucks that I have no Graeyniss advisors 😋.)

Soo I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow, but I’m going to go outside, because I’ve been inside for I don’t even know how many days straight now, and I want to do something useful, while breathing in some outside air. (Outside car fumes… x_x) It makes me slightly wish that I have a full-time job – since, apparently, that’s all that I can earn with. But still, I just won’t survive superficial colleagues x_x. I feel like taking the train to Rotterdam, now that I have something to spend (towards my limit). But I have nothing to do there. Like I have nothing to do here. 

Every time I see that I have a new e-mail, my heart goes to tachycardia level over 9000. Only to see that it’s some fashion or business related newsletter. Haha a Graeyniss mail could either lead to me starting to think I’m happy ๐Ÿ˜€ .What should I wear, to look representative and subtly sexy? or I’ll be getting ready for either suicide or a future behind a desk at the ANWB. 

Meoww, at first, I thought that having Volta finished and released, when I might be invited for an interview about becoming an apprentice Graeyniss, could be considered something positive. (My attitude towards humanity isn’t very positive in it, though.) But meoww I would rather be Graeynissed even before I’ve released it. Then I have a reason to get on that train ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

But meoww I don’t have that reason, so I’ll bravely finish my book – please help me provide for myself haha ah meoow – and market it, while hoping for change. 

I’ll be writing xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

00:34 (12:34 PM) 

Meow… ๐Ÿ™ 

I really need to find a way to earn.  I can’t go on like this. But I prefer death over committing myself to a simple and routinous job for minimum wage…. 

I became what I can’t stand. Over the past few weeks – besides submitting my admission – I’ve blocked out my entire reality and watched all episodes from Rick and Morty. There are not many TV shows I can watch or even hear, without my annoyance from its superficiality increasing my heart rate. But I can relate to Rick’s attitude towards Earth so well [not an enthusiast, unlike most people’s sentimental words], it just made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my reasoning, for those moments in focus. 

But I really don’t like spending so much time inside the house, without doing something useful – working 40 hours a week is not useful, in my perspective, where I take into consideration what needs to be done for the system to not collapse and have a future – and without being able to have good conversations that lead to peace of mind. I’ll have peace of mind, when I’ve found my allies. I’m trying to be patient ๐Ÿ™ .

Truthfully, I ran out of patience on New Year’s. That alternative admission is my last attempt. And my last hope… But I now fear this “Noo you didn’t make it,” message ๐Ÿ™ . 

Meow I want to go to sleep, but I’m letting myself be led in an anonymous chat about a request to attack that person while wearing heels, and to cause serious injuries, in exchange for a house… In Rotterdam? Meow I want a house, but I don’t feel comfortable hurting someone randomly ๐Ÿ™ . I would still do it, though, but I wouldn’t be able to unleash my anger the way I would unleash my anger if my father were to lose his temper first, in an “I’m going to beat you” stand-off… 

But Rotterdam is very convenient, though, if I were to become an apprentice Graeyniss. (Skipping out on the whole student thing… Of course “everyone wants that”, but I’ll be doing a crazy amount of mental labor in exchange, and no one has to make up any project for me, because I’ve already done that for all of us.) 

Ah meoww I’m so tired ๐Ÿ™ . I wonder what factors cause my extreme fatigue – besides me typing too many things that require serious thought and tachycardia. I seriously snoozed my alarm clock until 15:20 (03:20 PM), because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I also still have the niss with becoming light headed very easily… I want to work out, but I’m far too afraid to pass out ๐Ÿ™ . If there were someone with me, who would know how to anticipate, in case it happens, I would be a lot less afraid. 

Please be my Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ™ 

I love you โ™ฅ

Good night 


14:17 (02:17 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Meoww I wish I had a reason to go outside today and meet Graeynissis for serious meetings. Or for non-serious meetings. Any occasion where I can share my thoughts and hear thoughts from the same level. 

But I don’t have that reason. I don’t even have comfortably fitting clothes to wear to such an occasion. (My weight fluctuates heavily.) Or money to buy comfortably fitting clothes. Or the capability to have a simple routinous job, without having a mental breakdown. Meoow I’m trapped in bed ๐Ÿ™ . 

I’ve been thinking of writing a new episode for the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The problem is that, even though I’m very passionate about them, no one buys them, so I’m not that motivated to publish them. I expected to have a greater budget, after sales from the first episode, but that’s not possible without sales… I can’t make it look the way I want it to look – using more than one form of publishing, and much better imagery and styling – so I can’t publish it with pride. Not yet…

Meanwhile my relatives are bathing in money.  I need to meet someone new, who believes in what I do and enjoys it. And helps me leave the snake pitty life I’ve been trapped in. The way my publishing company looks, is fucking embarrassing. I wrote that marketing text on it, with a face palm. 

But by means of entertaining myself, I could start writing. Instead of Nosce Te Ipsum, it could be the first Volta, I’ll write. For the book Volta, it is very important that it includes the shift from going from unhappy with life to happy with life, and having included every step of the way. I think the situation I’m currently in, makes a good starting point. 

It’s too bad that I don’t have the funds to market it on “big media”, such as business magazines, or Discovery channel or something… I think that, in the end, those who would actually enjoy it, are, like me, so focused on their own paths, that they most likely won’t come across an ad of mine, even if it were published there.  I want to be fully independent in this anyway. 

But Volta, will include all about how I really reason and feel, without resorting to time-related statements [as in yesterday, for example, all I mentioned was food related, because it’s part of my day, but what goes on in my mind while I cook, I can’t mention while cooking], or in-dept explanations of anything that relates to my research. I might go for a quick run, before starting to write, because all of this being inside drives ne crazy… [I’m in “my room”, with the blinds closed, so this will be my first time looking outside today.] Nopeeee the layer of snow outside is far too thick, I see. I like being outside in the snow, though. But what am I going to do here, where there are no real parks nearby, and I don’t have any like-minded people near me, I know of, in terms of them really reasoning the way I do… “You’re different, Dominique,” is always the conclusion of every conversation I have. But where are all of the different people at…?

I hope you, my Graeyniss, will love my new book. I hope you’ll read the preview and love it. And then buy it… And then the next part, about my new life, can be published with one of the cool designs for a hardcover, I have in mind. I hope to finish the first part before the 30th. And I hope positive news from the University will fit in this book – causing my Volta (starting with being noticed) – smoothly ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’ll be writing xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Monday, January 21, 2019

16:35 (04:35 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I’m walking home from buying groceries for dinner. I’ll start cooking right away: yellow rice and some grilled veggies. 

Haha meoow the awkward part about hyping a day for a shift that would make me happy, is that I depend on people I have not spent much time with. (That’s extra exciting ๐Ÿ˜€  ) But meoow it’s never guaranteed. On the contrary… 

I’m cookinggg 

I started this post before 5, but meanwhile it’s 17:58

Aanddd I’m doneee

Time to eatt xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Sunday, January 20, 2019

03:23 (AM) 

I just completely finished the D.O.C.I.S. International website, wrote this article and submitted my application for the double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics at the Erasmus University. Meoow I’m exhaustedddd x_x. 

That frustration from yesterday, about me leaving – I’m so tired of the disrespect – came off more harsh than I meant it.  I will not just leave. I still love them, but I need to do what is the right thing for my heart. If I am rich by then, I will give them money for ever having given money to me (cash or transferred), and then leave. And take those with me who have real potential of being a publicist. (I can’t tell if there’s anyone hiding a publicist personality the way I do, but if that’s so, then he/she is very welcome…)

Meowss I’m going to sleep. Today, I’ll go to the spa in Egmond, with my mother. My Wirbelsaรผle and I are looking forward to it ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Good night

I love you


14:10 (02:10 PM) 

Haha Egmond is in the name of the “thermen” I’m going to, but it’s in Haalem.  [If you’re just tuning in: me sharing my location every time and not being assassinated, is me making an indirect privacy statement.] I didn’t know because I was too busy focusing on my admission. 

Why I was rushing to finish my admission on the weekend, while the deadline is in April? Because there is always Monday, and The Head Cuddle [is how I call my brain-to-brain communication] never sleeps, and I am bored to death, so I like to keep a high pace on the process of saving myself. 

There are many more things I want to say, but phones are not allowed and I will be busy swimming naked. Yay freedom ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Our Planet Fang Forum will most certainly include thermen where Graeynissis can gather after their business activities, for some relaxation and good conversation. Naked ๐Ÿ˜€ . 


20:44 (08:44 PM) 

Meoww I’ve been back at the family friends I’m living at for a while. The spa was nice. I must say that I expected to have more space to swim and would be less bothered by people talking, since it’s a place for relaxation. But for some, that still doesn’t mean excluding the long conversations about nothing. It was crampedd. But it was my first time in a steam bath and I absolutely loved ittt! I wish I could walk and lay around naked in a climate like that all day 😻. 

When it comes to my relationship with my mother, it’s just too bad she and my father dragged me through that traumatic experience and I continuously keep getting flashbacks from that, linking the words I hear now to the words that were said then. It makes it very hard for me to open up. And my enthusiasm about doing research leads to a “Please change the topic.” That everything has become so distant, makes me feel a hurting form of sadness. It leads me to a two-way decision: more distance, or somehow solving it. When it comes to my future, what is more fruitful? “Doubts…”

Anyway… Haha the thought of all of these Graeynissis reading my niss makes me nervous… I don’t live a regular exemplary life. I do think that I’m showing an example of new creativity. But meoww the rest is a mess… I need help x_x. Please just save me on Monday? ๐Ÿ™ 

What I don’t need help with, is cooking. After coming back, I steamed salmon (with thyme, a slice of lemon and butter on top, in the pan) and mashed parsnip and plantain together to one smooth mess, with a fork. It was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚ . But I want my diet to be more healthy… More veggies, less animals…


Meowniss ๐Ÿ˜€

What saving me would look like…? It’s anything that gets me closer to the acknowledgement of my intelligence, to (financial) independence and to new – real – friendships… The most convenient were if you were to show up at my doorstep [I’m just using that standard phrase… I don’t have a house. I’m staying with family friends of the family. In Capelle, there’s the possession of my possessive father, where he can kick me out at any second, which is what would happen again if I were there now, because I’m not applying for jobs…] and cuddle me and tell others what’s up, because when it comes from me, it’s seen as schizophrenia. Please be my Cuddle โ™ฅ.

All we have to do is take my belongings here and go to Capelle for my grandfather’s books [you will love them, too! ๐Ÿ™‚ ] and then I will comfortably install myself in your house ๐Ÿ™‚ . Hahahahahaha you will have adopted a wild catje 😸. It’s for Project Nosce Te Ipsum! What we do from there on out… Well, that depends on what the world of Graeynissis needs. I can solve a lot of things, without trippy expertise from books ๐Ÿ™‚ . I would love to get that trippy expertise, too! But from an informative book without questions in it, please… I just want to write about what I’ve read and not distract myself with fictive situations in questions… It would make the content of my blog a lot more fun. It would be even more fun – waaaaay more fun – if we would film us 😏😏😏. Talking about sexy bookssss… Your my sexy book, meowww. Finally, a book I can read in a steam bath! Hahahahahaha 😂.

Let’s cuddle? ๐Ÿ™ This weather sucks when you’re solo

When we’re together, those factors don’t matter, because I will be all over you ๐Ÿ˜€ . With all of my many questions about being a Graeyniss ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Haha about that What not to include post…. I wanted to write a part that would sound like stand-up comedy, but I don’t know if that’s going too far for a “first impression”. (All of it is…? Or maybe me saying that, is just letting those curses of other people get to me. I consider that “Yeah good job, we’ll see how it turns out,” type of shit statements, curses.)

So I guess I’ll continue what I wanted to say here…? My stand-up haha… Another forever draft… That’s definitely what you shouldn’t include in a motivation letter! Haha yes :D. [I’m still typing the rest right now. You’ll see it when you refresh in about 45 minutes…] Here it goes:

Good evening, my Cuddles. 

I wanted to start this with something interactive. But you know what they say: picture your audience naked. So in my mind, you’re sitting there… All oiled up… The all I can think of is…. Oefff hahahaa *takes off suit jacket and is only wearing dress now*. I hope I’ll be able to keep my focus… [*fucking nervous laughter from audience* HAHAHAHAHA] 

You know, when I was in high school, and I had to repeat a year, most of the people I used to hang out with, were already here, in this university.  [haha insert imaginative scenery ๐Ÿ˜€ ] When we talked about our lives, often I mentioned how much I hated the dull routines of high school so much that if it weren’t for the “freedom in study” at the university, I would have dropped out. (But then I would have no future, and I am out for success…)

Every time, the introduction, where a hint is given of what is to come, and very simple concepts are introduced. In this phase I only listen in class, and don’t make any homework. Then the pace becomes higher, and the first midterms – multiple subjects all at once – are coming up, so I start to make my own study schedule, which has a higher pace, and I solely study the book’s text and make practice exams. And then, depending on how interesting I find the subject, and depending on how much authority the household distracts me with, my grades are somewhere in between a 4 and a 7. While, if I would have the ability to conform to this mental slavery, and I would do my homework every day, I would only get 10’s, without a single doubt. 

Those whom I considered my friends, then all told me all about how amazing the university is, in full detail. About much freedom you get when you’re a university student. That is the same as saying “Woaah I love speeding. This new road there near *name whatever location* is amazing!” to someone who has just lost his/her car in a traumatic car accident. 

But it’s just high school in a larger construction, with the hottest league of educators… That freedom they described, is that there are less classes to follow. I still need to listen to people discuss homework questions I did not even look at…. All I do is listen in lectures, but meow sometimes it just seems like all sound is muted and that sexy meow is dancing for me on stage… 

That is definitely something that should never be mentioned in a motivation letter! But there is something I should have included, and I could turn it into the most typical human joke in the history of comedy. Here it goes:

I do not want to discuss the philosophy of people in books. I want to discuss my own philosophy. I want people to appreciate me for the ideas I have and have them cite me, for generations long. I don’t understand why people today idolize the people – often dead – whose creations and findings are long obsolete. Unless they’re your ideas *insert whatever name*, you old fuck. 

What’s with the internet these days? I thought people had learnt from past internet bubbles. Today, the whole internet is a bubble, and the whole world will collapse when it bursts. Haha I know you all can’t wait for that day Dutch pension funds say: “Surprise, you will all be paid in Bitcoins!!!” And the fifth generation’s children start their families in the garage, because the Netherlands will be built full, so there is no other space for them to live, but they don’t care, because they can watch The Incredibles part 16 all day!!!! 

People keep settling for smaller and simpler routines. They want that. They don’t even want to spend time actively doing things. It must all go fast, so that they can get behind their screens fast. All of these packages in the supermarket have time indications on it, with time related slogans next to them. Why the haste? To get back behind that screen? [*laughter out of going crazy with annoyance*] 

On Planet Fang, no machine or chemical substance will touch my food! I do not mind plucking some tomatoes for that, a few hours per week. If we all do that, we don’t need to hire people to do that and we don’t even need machines! The supermarket will be the field where everything grows. That is not a joke! Hahaha ๐Ÿ˜€ .

If we all mentally chip in, we can easily get to Planet Fang and live a dream. All you have to do, is accept the personal gift I have for you on this table [it’s a watch with a tracking device – because you’re mine haha meoowww you’re not going anywhere * looks at you crazy * (just kidding HAHAHAHAHA), a personal gift that relates to your expertise, and a paper with your assignment(s) for the creation of Planet Fang]. 

My name is Lil Fangs. You are sexy. Please accept me as your personal goddess and ruler of the Earth. You have been a great audience. I love you. Good night! 


Haha I’m really going to sleep because my head hurts from pushing myself beyond my sleep, haha… 

I love you ๐Ÿ˜€ 

– xxx –

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday, January 19, 2019

04:50 (AM) 

I’m just here to tell you that I love you and am going to sleep now. (This is something I feel I always have to do before going to bed.) Oh and all pages of the D.O.C.I.S. International website, except the one about becoming a partner and/or publicist, are done now! (And I have my old student account semi-back…)

I love you

Good night 


14:20 (02:20 PM)

That article was postponed, because web maintenance, doing Studielink things and editing my letter cost more time than expected. 

Here’s a picture of yesterday’s dinner I luckily received some assistance (otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get that far with my businrss website):

It was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚

No one understands why I stay the fuck away from people, as much as I can. And they try to “help me” “get out there” and go to public places. I wish to just not fucking hear that anymore, because I’m too polite to say that I fucking hate that, because that is all they (can) do themselves. I have a goal in life, I’m trying to accomplish, and I wish to not be distracted in that process. And no I do not have to talk to random people who live empty routines, to succeed in that. 

I also don’t consider myself human “and I don’t make mistakes”. I strive for perfection and do not understand why people keep fucking using that phrase. 

Excuse this rage that comes from not just having a place where I can live without having to interact with other people. It’s not that I never want to do that again [but may I choose with whom…]. It’s just fucking frustrating that I can never take a break and just have some space to breathe and fucking focus.  I hope anyone at the university will understand this and maybe help me, before I kill myself ๐Ÿ™ .

So I’ll now shower and wash my hair. Then I’ll finish that “become a part of D.O.C.I.S. International” (I’ll change it to “become a publicist”) page. Then I can finally finish my motivation letter ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope my B just anticipates on this as fast as he can, because this whole thing with the unwanted tension at home and being allowed to stay here is nice, but it’s far too unnatural and I want to live a fucking normal life. And have fucking normal money. 

I will not last waiting for six weeks and then hearing that I’ll somehow just have to exist until September, to still be stuck around a majority of people who have no goal in life the way I do. Meoow the amount of cropped up anger and frustration…. I just want to hear someone relate to this and show some appreciation for what I do.

Everyone who works and studies full time, who sometimes ask me questions about what I do, to then fucking bash it and act all superior and shit, because I’m not earning and they think I’m dumb because I don’t have a degree, say shit like: “You are tired? No, I am tired. You are at home all day.” And then I want to say: “Yeah but you don’t use your fucking brain with that routine of yours.” But I choose to be silent, because outing that part of my philosophy can change our “relationship” forever and I have no place to resort to when I can just fully distance myself of all of this bullshit. 

There are visitors, so working at the only table downstairs, basically isn’t an option. That’s the true cause of my current frustration. I might work on it in bed – where I am right now – but that will fuck up mt spinal column even more. 

These people say “encouraging” words, but from their choice of words and complete attitude, it is clear that they truthfully do not want to see me thrive. [So why not just shut the fuck up?] I don’t dare to say: “The university will see my work and I will be the fuck out of here and you wil all never see me again, all within a fucking week. (Or maybe even the same day.)” Because it might not be so and those people will enjoy that far too much. But it’s my “far-fetched” [but look at this… No one can do this the way I do this…] only hope. 

Ah meoow I’m going to untie my very unwashed twists, shower and enter chaos of noise, to do bad things to my cholesterol. And of course: no days off ๐Ÿ™‚  xxxx


Blog, Online Diary

Friday, January 18, 2019

05:52 (AM) 

Meoww I just had to finish that motivation letter, is what I told myself today/yesterday. And I decided that the completeness of my message is far more important than the maximum amount of words. So what had to be 400 words, became 2169 words. I assume that it is clear that rejecting someone who exceeds the maximum number of words with more than 500%, is the same as killing that person – because where else in life can that person go, than a well-ranked, internationally oriented university…?

I hope the proposal within my motivation will be accepted. I still need to scan my passport, but for that I need to enter Jam’s room – because the scanner/printer is there – and I don’t want to wake him up, so I’m waiting with that and allowing myself some sleep. I’ll also be cooking dinner today, as well as washing my hair and finishing my business website. And sumbitting my admission, of course. All while hoping my heart doesn’t give out from my stress and impatience ๐Ÿ™‚ . I want to go on a holiday…. Oh shit, that reminds me that I still need to add my contact information and the “I have nothing to do until September, so the sooner I start, the better”-part… Haha meoow 2300 words here I comee x_x. After resting! 

Good… Morning? 

The funniest part about this ecosystem is the early bird moans (singing is very different man hahahaha), which start when it’s pitch black outside at 05:30 in the AM sharp. Like an alarm clock and not natural birds. 

I love you ๐Ÿ˜€ 

xxx – 

13:37 (01:37 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Meoww I woke up not so long ago and am still in bed. I’m as tired as that one man who played Forrest Gump, but then in that movie where he was on a deserted island for weeks and made a friend who was a ball on a stick hahahahahaha… Mister… I don’t remember the name of the “friend” and the movie ahahaa… It wasn’t Forrest Gump, if my choice of words didn’t make that clear…

When I wake up, I often go back to sleep again. When I then wake up again, I take my phone out of airplane mode and go over my incoming messages – if they don’t stress me out, I answer them right away – and answer ASKfm questions I’ve received. That’s how long I hold my morning urine every time, because I never want to leave my warm bed, but… Okay be right back… xxx


14:14 (02:14 PM) 

But it’s important to not hold it in for too long and especially to not break down all of my “morning thoughts” before having gone, because I want to have a properly functioning bladder when I’m old and grey… ๐Ÿ™‚

Meoww two other things I wanted to share before I make breakfast, shower and buy groceries – I’ll be making self-made KFC and soft cooked pumpkin with rice – are… 

Meoow in the group chat with my former colleagues, I read that ANWB Vicje has been sending people sexy cards and that I haven’t received one at home 😿 (when I asked my mother if I did, going through my morning texts). It said “Thinking about you,” I read. That’s also what I said in that crazy email I sent him a while back! (Cool and interesting move!) They called it creepy. Meoow fuck themmm [(sustainably) automate everything!!! Save the planet hahaha] I would more than absolutely love it and feel as sexy as a wild cuddly cat around single middle aged women. I think about you far too often to not receive anything 😿. My employee statistics were far too good to not have received anything 😿. I hope it’s because orders have been followed incorrectly 😿. It must be meant for me ๐Ÿ™ . I want this Graeyniss meowww… 

Yeah people who watch SBS6 all day will whine when you change it, my Vicje, but who will give a fuck when the costs to run the entire business will drop with 1000%. And then the place will flood because people pollute the Earth on such a high speed, they don’t have a clue what the fuck they are doing and keep buying fucking bitcoins, and no satellite gazing geographer can predict the future eustasy,  but we will be on Planet Fang drinking the best cocktails out of a fucking coconut! Yay to the future :D. 

Hmmm what was the second thing… I don’t even remember, because I’m still thinking of this sexy meow walking through that big building without me and I don’t want that last time when I was sick, and nervous because I find him crazy sexy [a hitlerjugend haircut would make his Graeyniss beyond absolutely irresistible to everyone… And please relax your shoulders, because that makes me want to massage you all of the time, but I can’ttttttt because you have this godly status and I don’tttttttt (plus I’m female)], to be the last time I’ve ever seen him… I somehow want to involve him in my project as well, if the University is open to allowing me to do it. “University doing sustainability project with non-schizophrenic student with business” seems like a legitimate reason to do things you usually don’t do ๐Ÿ™‚ . I need sweet wild business knowledge Graeynissis for this, too! ๐Ÿ˜€

Yeah the second thing is that I will be pushing myself beyond my limits today, because I feel like sleeping all day, but I will do every single thing on my list… That means that I’ll go grocery shopping without showering, because the process of washing and drying my afro and wig costs hours and then I still need to twist it, so I’ll do that… Tomorrow, when I’m hopefully done with everything. At first, I wanted to say that I’ll shower, washing my hair, after coming back, but then I won’t get to cooking and finishing my website and proofreading my motivation letter and doing all that Studielink shit… 

I’ll just take a shower after eating “breakfast” (still haven’t eaten anything, because truthfully, I’m in the mood for foods that aren’t even accessible in the Nethetlands…). Et cetera. The next update you’ll see will be that what not to include article I’ll refer to in that motivation letter. You’ll also see my motivation letter in that same What not to include post HAHA xxxxx


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes, Reflections

Thursday, January 17, 2019

00:21 (12:21 AM) 

The new home page of the D.O.C.I.S. International website is done ๐Ÿ˜€ . Besides the “this website is being edited”, which I’ll take away when I’m done with all pages. 

I love that I’m finally outing my publisher’s approach! The reason why I kept waiting – and actually sort of still should be waiting – was because I wanted to have more than one publicist [now it’s only me ahahahah], before I transformed my site to that format. With those almost (to be) empty publicists [because saying “propagandist” is too controversial (apparently mainstream people will think that you’re evil when you use this term… I guess the annoyance from that stupidity secretly also made me very…), but when it comes to the diversity of our content, it feels like that word covers the load a lot better] and publications pages, I worry about coming off as a lot less than I can be. But at least now it’s very openly clear that I intend to publish for not only myself. And that I’m attempting to build an empire.

The reason why I’m doing it now, is because I might find suitable publicists at the university ๐Ÿ™‚ . I won’t publish a “51 shades of grey” [that’s a joke for a new book’s title… That’s how I find how creativity looks these days… With my unique approach, I hope to raise the bar…] or anything else in that meaningless category of entertainment. You can go to any other publisher in the world for that. Knowledge and wisdom – wisdom being my specialty [because to me, wisdom > knowledge and I detest citing other people’s findings/philosophy] – are the fundaments of D.O.C.I.S. International as an exclusive brand. 

I say “at the university”, because that abstract use of words don’t show that when it comes to finding the right people, there’s so much uncertainty. Also, from many experiences, I’m quite certain that I should not target students for this. Not only because many of them are actually not independent thinkers (it sometimes just seems like that, because they memorize other people’s content in such a way that they start to consider it part of their identity (and then there are superficial people who are worse)). Also because for the size of the endeavor behind my business, I need people who truly know how life works, or at least I need them to know what their purpose in life is (because I need to know what would make them happy after the shift). 

But real Graeynissis are so hard to reach ๐Ÿ™ . I hope being a student will work in my advantage. I hope I’ll even be allowed to just have a personal list of Graeynissis to approach for my thesis [just give me a letter of recommendation or something… I won’t survive the student experience until post-doc level…], who would also like to become my publicists, and skip out on all of the student mental slavery nonsense (kan jij niets aan doen…). We could even make a short series of videos about how we’ll establish everything ๐Ÿ™‚ . Meooow! 😻

Here are some pictures I’d like to share:

In my diary post of two days ago, I mentioned that I was going to make soup. I made this picture to insert it in the article, but I never did. I used okra, plantain, some yam, celery, unions and a tomato. 

Today, I made these shrimp. I let them rest overnight, in a marinade of ketjap manis and thyme. The next day (today), I added garlic (because I had to buy it, but the best would be to let them chill in that, too). I used griesmeel and paneer (“breadcrumbs” (but they’re in a carton package…)) instead of flour and paneer, because there wasn’t any and it’s a waste of buying it, if it will never be used for anything else [but now I’m in the mood for pancakes… I’m still broke as fuck, though……..]

They were veryyy tastyy

My “natural” approach to attempting to cure a sore throat… It’s going a bit better already ๐Ÿ™‚ . But swallowing still hurts a lot… Talking luckily doesn’t (that much) anymore ๐Ÿ™‚

Something really random that happend today, was that I got a call from some telemarketeer who wanted get me in touch with this agency of brokers. [That stupid KvK registration of mine gets me phone calls like that.]  And me expressing my “I don’t feel comfortable with gambling. It might be a hype now, but I don’t believe that we’ll go on like this forever. The value is fictive,” didn’t make her say: “Okay. Bye.” “Arguments” for were: “But with these expert brokers, you can make great profits!” “How would you find it if in future, we would all be trading instead of working?” Of course, every sheep would say: “Yay! Infinite money and infinite watching movies!” I said: “I would kill myself.” 

She was trying to get me to click a link she mailed me and sign up for something. For some reason, I really just can’t hang up in someone else’s ear. Even not when even my fucking heart (rate) wants it. I ended up obeying her orders and I was transferred to one of her experts – whose name is very cool ๐Ÿ™‚ – who was trying to get me to buy Amazon shares. Because they’re expecting great appreciation in the market for them. (I believe that in the end, it’s the influence of the media, indirectly incentivizing people to anticipate on the prediction, which causes the actual appreciation.)

[To me, mathematics > statistics…] I found his phone lecture on analysis of those “market volatility boxplots” [is how I’ll summarize it, because I suck at memorizing jargon] very interesting. At some point, I said that I would like to try it with ten euros. At the beginning of the conversation, he told me to download AnyDesk – a “controlling your desktop from a distance” application. After some hesitation – just like with the telemarkeer who started the whole thing… I fucking hate that this forcing people to do shit is found normal in our society – I did “make it happen” [hahahahahahaha… It’s funny because I think uni Graeynissis are Cuddle] and then suddenly, while 30 minutes ago I was busy paneering shrimp (unfinished, because I wasn’t able to just hang up), someone I don’t know, who spoke English with a (sexy) foreign accent [but where he was from, I couldn’t tell… Eastern Europe somewhere…], was drawing lines on a series of plots he opened on my laptop screen. 

When I gave in with the ten euros, he opened a screen to sign up on some trading website and asked me to fill it out. The form included a promotion code area and fields for my credit card number and the security code. All of my instincts told me that I shouldn’t show that information to anyone, but I still did it. He filled out a deposit of โ‚ฌ1000. I told him that it wasn’t going to work, because I don’t have that much money literally anywhere – I really don’t understand why people always assume that I have money. 

I told him that I could deposit ten euros (haha) on my prepaid credit card. When I showed him my debit account [it has -โ‚ฌ487,57, my limit is -โ‚ฌ500 and I have no income (still I would truthfully rather die than do the routine with fixed tasks and colleagues thing again… Never again [hi uni], thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ )]. He tried to up my limit, but I told him that changing a limit is only possible when you’re out of the red. Of course people never believe my word and it had to be tried first. And when my brokeness was confirmed – because what’s a broker’s profit with a deposit of ten euros – the conversation was ended. I ended the screen sharing and deleted the AnyDesk application right after, and “ran” CCleaner… 

I have such mixed feelings about trading. That ten euros was because since the moment I started to give in to that telemarketeer, I started to think: Yes, I know it will all collapse one day. But everyone is milking it right now. Why should I keep myself from it? It might get me out of trouble… (But it will never get me the profits I need anyway. That ten euros…. Hahaha that would all vanish to paying all of the parties in between, anyway.)

Such an unethical thought… I’m glad I still have my last ten euros ๐Ÿ™‚ . Please become my publicist… Yeaah another reason why I waited with the format of my business website, was because I wanted to be able to invest in your brand, as a business, by means of paying for your (initial) campaign, and then earning from a small share of what your campaign will generate for you. Now it will be the opposite… So I’ll be your publisher – so basically all I offer is 100% of my brainpower and my skills, but no money (yet) – but you’ll very unfortunately have to do the initial investment yourself… You won’t regret that part of your full independence, though! (And that in the beginning we might have to outsource instead of be full monopolists… The company is still “in its baby shoes”. But I love what’s ahead of us! โ™ฅ)

More about this after waking up…! “Tomorrow” doesn’t apply, because it’s now 02:19 AM, but I still “”need” to do my long sleep” otherwise I [= actually the daylight] might [make meยฟ] feel like shit.  I wonder if sleep, in general, really is necessary? Haha oh yess but of course I don’t want to go against “science”. Just like “the Earth is round”. [I have never seen that in real life, “with my naked eyes”, so…]

“Break of screen gazing” applies better than “sleeping”, I guess. I’m just chilling with my Head Cuddle and sometimes take a nap. Never do I sleep longer than 4 hours in a row. 


Good night

I love you! โ™ฅ


13:48 (01:48 PM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

I hope your day is Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ . I would like to change my statement about not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row: I do sleep longer than that, when I have a (long) dream.  I want to make a drawing of what I saw, again! (The moon part…) It was about that humans cultivated the moon’s landscape (its craters were changed into very big patterns) and that on the night the moon, by changing itself into text for short periods of time, announced that it was going to shoot fire from the sky, which was going to make all water of fire (“because moon fire is veryy hott”), I was staying in Amsterdam and the family friends who own the house I live in (with them), were on a holiday on the moon [with my family], so I was here chilling with their son [tripping about that my parents’ house is next to water and all of my grandfather’s books would burn… (All houses seemed larger in my dream.)]. After dinner and playing Halo in his room, I suddenly kissed him…? I felt my conscious body’s heart’s distress [my dreams are always lucid], being in that This could lead to an “Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing?” and a great dose of heartache afterwards, or being pleasantly surprised…? worry. And then, the rest of the dream, we were kissing? There wasn’t even moon fire to notice? Haha I feared I was going to be stuck in some nightmare, but it was quite a fun dream 😋. I woke up slightly past twelve AM (for the first time in a long time).

Now I’m going to eat, write [(featuring pen and paper) by means of creating an overview for my websites and motivation letter], shower and wash my hair, and then work on my business website (and motivation letter, hoping that I can finish it all, today…). [You should know that I fall in love very easily, but never out this (first). And that I love too many people to have a traditional relationship (ever again). I hope my future life will include a lot of true love and a lot of nerdy things.] Meow 😸 xxxxxxx. 


15:56 (03:56 PM) 

A change of plans made me write this article. I’m still in bed… Having my all-seasons blanket from “home” here, and a more convenient room temperature, allow me to sleep with only my panties on again (super yay :D). 

If this were my own home and I were by myself, I would enter the kitchen wearing only my panties, as well. But it isn’t and there are guests downstairs. I might not be able to resist socializing with the family friends’ (steph-)grandchildren, but that would mean that I, again, am another day away from completing my admission. 

I’ve been thinking of writing a What not to write in an motivation letter post and including that in my admission letter, as a link. That’s because I won’t be able to say all that I want to say, in that letter of max 400 words, and there are things “I want the university to know” [haha enallageยฟ ooh no personification haha. My babyy โ™ฅ], while those are officially not things that will make someone say: “She will be an amazing student!” (Truthfully, I doubt if I’ll survive the dreadful routine and suicidal thoughts that come with being a full time student who has to attend 70% of all tutorials and has to make homework and stuff… But my life depends on it, so failure is not an option (anymore)…) 

So I’m now going to quickly shower, while playing music (as usual, by the way) [and hope that my hunger and the heat from the shower won’t make me pass out], postpone washing my hair with another day (because twisting my afro takes time too haha eww), and go downstairs – with intentions of binge eating… Will be starting my day with dinner…? x_x And then I’ll see if I’ll be able to concentrate on working. My desk is, as it is in every place I’ve ever lived in: the dinner table. I need a sexy office :D.


16:15 (04:15 PM) 

By the way:

Sort of not bad…. Especially after quitting all other forms of social media, aside from ASKfm

Not bad…?

But still no people reaching out to me or anything, so meooow 😿😾. Okayy now I’m really going to shower xxxxxxxxxxxx


Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

11:44 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I hope you’re having a good day, as usual ๐Ÿ™‚ . I wish we could do something fun together. Then my days would be good as well.

Meoww my throat is so swollen and painful that eating, drinking and speaking hurt like crazy, and my airways sometimes get blocked when I try to sleep ๐Ÿ™ . 

But lucky enough, I’m well rested enough to work on (and hopefully complete) my admission. 

Even though I’m actually not feeling good enough to go outside, I’ll (have to, for the sake of surviving this pain) buy some ginger, mint, lemons and garlic. The garlic I need for the “paneered” shrimp I’ll prepare later. 

I’m going to get ready and stuff xxx

Meoww I feel a bit un-cuddle for not telling you that I love you, these past two days ๐Ÿ™ .


Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

12:55 (AM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

How’s your day?

I’m sick again ๐Ÿ™ . When my throat hurt, when I was at doctor Cuddle’s, I said that it was not the type of throat ache where swallowing hurts, because then it didn’t. Apparently that was “not yet”, because now, when I swallow, my entire body cramps up from the pain ๐Ÿ™ . I keep drinking ginger in hot water, by means of attempting to cure it. 

My headache and persistent fatigue [how can I still be tired, while I’ve slept for so long???] make me not want to work today. But I just have to, because I want to know if they would still allow me in or not, and if I can be an apprentice Graeyniss/researcher, instead of a regular student. Honestly, I really don’t look forward to “the student life”… I find it overrated. But for the acknowledgement of my intelligence, it might be inevitable…

Meoww I’m going to make myself some soup and ginger tea xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Monday, January 14, 2019

01:57 (AM) 

Meoww I’ve edited the front page, the D.O.C.I.S. International website and my motivation letter a bit. Staring into screens for such a long time, makes me feel a bit “grrrrr”, because I want to move around, but won’t feel comfortable doing that, while I’m not done with what I was doing. I’m tired of typing so much, but there’s still quite some that needs to be done, before I can submit my admission. 

Meow I’m getting a fever again, I think. My head hurts, I feel my temperature fluctuate and swallowing hurts like craazyyy ๐Ÿ™ . Today will be another crazy boring day, with almost no physical movement. (Help :'( .) My only reason to go outside, is to go to the bank, to put that cash my mother gave me, on my debit account, so that I can pay that stupid warrant I only pay because I don’t have the funds and easy case for a lawyer. I shouldn’t be paying any of it.

I’m off to bed. 

Good night โ™ฅ

I love you โ™ฅ


14:20 (02:20 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I just finished my first meal of the day, of which I don’t have a picture, apparently x_x. I baked some okra, plantain and yam, with a madame jeanette peppers and some thyme. Palm oil would have gone nice with it, but I don’t have money for that ๐Ÿ™ . 

I want to finish my admission as soon as possible, so that I could get clarity soon and have some no-staring-into-screens-days (I’m frying my eyes with this x_x). But it seems like I won’t be able to finish everything in today… Also, my mother might get that stamp for me, tomorrow. It’s very nice of her that she’s willing to do that for me. 

With my admission, I cling myself to this country for at least three years. Not that I have money to go anywhere else (I can’t even travel to the university from where I’m staying). 

I’m powerless in this. As in that I would rather study in sunny California, because it’s sunny there and there are a lottttt less familiar faces there. Or go to Harvard, because that university has an even better name. But for that, I need a generous and supportive father… Studying mathematics in Delft might suit me the best, when it comes to universities and courses in the Netherlands, but Delft, Harvard and California all don’t have my B… 

I wish he would be my guide, for my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis [I hope I can make clear that I know that writing “a Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis” is not part of the regular routine in academics. And that the title Illuminatus Intelligens officially doesn’t exist…]. And that I can spend full-time time with him and his fellow Graeynissis 🙊. That would be so much fun! 😸

I’m still stuck with sooo many questions from the time when we were about to do (PR) research together, and make a campaign together, and then I got stuck in the psychiatric system and we lost touch and everything… I want to finish what we started. And select different main topics for our research hahaha……….. Meoww my feelings were getting in the way a little, and my pessimistic view about the world was growing very much, when I came with the idea to study the history of sex and combine it with something interactive and microeconomics related, because the public seems so “not wanting to think about serious things”, that it felt like nothing else would sell/be successful, and I would be more turned on all of the time, if I would hear this meow talk about sex… 

But we shouldn’t downgrade ourselves to the level of what’s appreciated by the masses today. (My pessimistic view is now full grown and I’m fully aware of how it influences the way I express myself hahahaha…. Maybe we should even just openly express how dumb we find it…? I know I’m not alone in this!) We should attempt to level them up…

There are much more fun (and sexy) topics to research and campaign for! Such as the ecological safety of Rotterdam, the future of mankind, with its growth of overpopulation and “resources going extinct” (being replaced by artificial shit), starting a corporate state (including the expansion of D.O.C.I.S. International)… Especially the corporate state one!! 

Meoww I really hope I can get my B back… 


17:54 (05:54 PM) 

Meoww my brain is tired from not sleeping for two nights and generating so much texts. (Especially the process of finding the right words for self-expression is making me tired.)

And I’ve gone to the stupid bank to deposit my last stupid cash onto my debit account and pay that stupid warrant. Unfortunately, I can literally collapse at any second, and thus I shouldn’t continue to work on my websites and motivation letter. I better don’t have this when I have to be stuffing my brain with study material… 

I’m going to take a nap now xxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 13, 2019

13:58 (01:58 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I couldn’t sleep last night, from the excitement (and light stress about the possibility of being rejected) for studying to obtain a bachelor (and hopefully being able to do this “the apprentice way”, receiving guidance for the research projects I’ve already broken down, instead of doing it via the regular homework -> test, homework -> test, homework-> test -> thesis, way).

I’ve already written down what I’ll include in my motivation letter. At first I wanted to settle for only econometrics, or maybe philosophy on top of that as well, but if I’d listen to my heart, and study what I truly desire to study – this is what I was contemplating about, back in 2016, too – I should apply for the double bachelor in both economics and econometrics. I know I can pass anything, when I choose to truly study for it. 

It’s also the perfect balance for my interests in mathematical modelling and behavioral economics, as well as a better stepping stone to knowledge on (the economical side of) international politics. Still no lectures from my B, though ๐Ÿ™ . 

What makes writing the motivation letter a challenge, is that it has a maximum of 400 words and there are quite some things that have to be included, which leave less room for me to talk about my research proposal and my business, since what I strive towards is not a regular application. 

What I strive towards is being assigned a few (the more, the better 😻) Graeynissis, who could recommend theories I should master, about which I then write proof [instead of making tests ewww… Unless my proposal will be declined. Then, for the sake of still being allowed in: “Yay, I love making tests!”], and they could guide me in my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis, to make sure that I deliver an end result that looks perfectly Graey 🙊. It would be so much fun 😻.

Haha I’m assembling documents… I had to ask my mother to send me my high school diploma. Check it out, haha…:

But for the admission, I actually need a stamp from the school on it… I really don’t want to go all the way to Rotterdam, with my no money, just to ask for a stamp and say that I’m a uni drop-out who wants to succeed this time x_x

I rarely studied, so the list really isn’t that bad ๐Ÿ™‚ . I can do muuuuuuuch better, though! You’ll see ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Aaaand palpitations ft. tachycardia strike again:

They’re simply just not getting this? What the fuck? De openstaande kosten zouden verlaagd moeten worden met โ‚ฌ5230, omdat ik wegens persoonlijke omstandigheden, mijn aangifte niet op tijd kon doen. 

Willie maaahnn waarom doe je dit ๐Ÿ™ . I can’t say no to him x_x. There go my last pennies x_x.

Meowss I’m going to get out of bed, brush my teeth and work on my websites and motivation letter. xxxxxx


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Saturday, January 12, 2019

00:52 (12:52 AM) 

Meoww my heart rate, the warmth, slight hunger and my thoughts, are keeping me awake. I’m going to eat a Berliner bun, we also bought at the supermarket before driving here. 

I’m so curious about what today will bring. I know I’m severely ill and as soon as that is officially spoken out – and my mother hears it from a source she does find trustable – I’ll have to undergo multiple forms of treatment and restore. Truthfully, I want to do all of this in Germany. I don’t even want to go back to the Netherlands before my health is restored (or everยฟ). 

But undergoing treatment in Germany is costly and so is living here in between treatments and during the period of recovery. (Recovering in California would be great, too. I think I need about 20 years 😻. [“Just kidding”… (as in my body has already endured a lot and I want to start a new life ๐Ÿ™ . Plus, my American English is a lottttt better than my German… But I love the (health) culture of Germany, so I do not at all mind being here ๐Ÿ˜€ )])

Undergoing treatment for this in the Netherlands is not an option, for so many reasons [doctors not having the intelligence and/or time to go the extra mile for the unique state my body is in [having to take into consideration that some pills aren’t going to solve anything], my Dutch medical records don’t even show that I’m ill the way I’m ill and the correction of that will cost so much time that it’s a waste of time [also fuck those motherfuckers who put those lies there in the first place… They shouldn’t get away with this…], the Dutch philosophy of empty beds and basing the amount of effort on if a life is worth it, will get me killed, because I’m unemployed with no degrees (mijn gymnasium diploma is niks waard ๐Ÿ™ )]. Of course, when other people will realize that I’ve been speaking the truth all of this time, they might want me to undergo treatment close to home. Which is thus a stronger reason for me to stay in Germany and have some stress-free alone time. 

I love the smell of “foresty” land in this cold season [not as much as I love it during Fall and Spring, though, but it’s still awesome]. I would love to live there and have the sounds of nature be the only sounds I hear. No sounds of television, no sounds of cars, trucks and public transport, no sounds of superficial conversations, and the list goes on… I wish I could live in an area like that, while my body becomes freed from its limitations. I’d actually love to live in a foresty area for the rest of my life, but I want my personal forest to end up at a pretty beach, with very clear and blue water. My mansion in the exact center of the piece of land. 

Dreams, dreams, dreamsss… Without my Graeynissis, I won’t get there, because the people who usually get entire brands off the ground with their spending behavior, will never invest that in an individual who wants to earn from creative long-term damage control. Meoooww my Graeyniiiss, I hope you’ll visit this sick catje ๐Ÿ™ . I have such Graeyniss health complaints 😋. Some experience related stories will definitely make me feel less nervous ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

But how to arrange that from tomorrow’s conversation onwards, I won’t leave Germany, keep doctor Cuddle close to me, get these Graeynissis and live somewhere secluded from the noise and stressful areas that come with my income class… I wish I could… I don’t know if I’ll succeed in making my heart happy ๐Ÿ™ . The greatest aspect of that issue is the “am I worth it” meets betalingsbereidheid, because I heavily financially depend on my parents in this, now that I’ve spent all of my savings on that and being away from home after another family fight (and being kicked out). I hope some Graeyniss generosity will save me. In that way, you could also make a very cool career switch by going D.O.C.I.S., and then we’ll all be so happy and cuddle 😻. It will be the very best decision you have ever made! 

I’m going to eat this Berliner bun, chill with my Head Cuddle – don’t tell anyone ๐Ÿ˜€ [I wonder if here in Germany, people will be open to believe in my experience of The Head Cuddle as something scientifically possible… In the Netherlands, all I’ve heard was “No,” and the reasons why were becoming so hurtful that at some point, I stopped trying to prove myself. (I actually didn’t even want to share it in the first place. If those psychiatry people didn’t force me to talk, I would have never mentioned it in that country to begin with.)] – and attempt to get myself to sleep again. 

I love youโ™ฅโ™ฅ


11:23 (AM) 

Meoww we’re running late ๐Ÿ™ . I fell asleep around sunrise and woke up sooo tired, I really had to snooze my alarm for 10 minutes, and was still snoring within that short interval of time. That’s how tired I am ๐Ÿ™ . We had to be there 3 minutes ago 😿. Now our ETA is 11:43 ๐Ÿ™ . 

At least I have a sample of my morning urine with me… I hope that cup won’t leak in my bag x_x.


14:58 (02:58 PM) 

The infection has somehow vanished. That’s good news, when it comes to the long-term physical existence of me. But now I have a lot less large ground to claim Cuddles and Graeyniss time ๐Ÿ™ . I’m suicidal as fuck anyway, so I was quite emotionally indifferent between what the outcome was going to be. Was it the weed that made it vanish, then? 

A lot of channels were blocked, was noticed during the osteopathy treatment. For some reason, I never feel physical relaxation. Also not after a massage or anything. As if my muscles only relax when you press them, and tighten up immediately after release. But I do notice a little difference now, and I’ve been told that the full effects will be noticeable within 72 hours. What I already notice is that The Head Cuddle feels less tense ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope I’ll be hearing clear B’s soon ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

The non-medicinal way to treat tachycardia, is by living a happy life. I will never be (even slightly close to) happy going back to school or working 40 hours a week [because climbing up, both in the world of academics and within a corporation, takes so long…], to end up living in some social housing project. But that’s all my environment leads me to, and I don’t how to reach beyond my environment. I’ll also really have to start looking for a job, because I don’t want other people to pay for anything of me. I feel like I ruined my shot at the ANWB and truthfully, I don’t want to try it anywhere else. Oh meow ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m going to write a new book and turn my business website into a real publisher’s website, as well as changing the text on the front page of this website, again… When I get “home”[, if I’m physically able to]. Meow I need my own home, to reach inner peace ๐Ÿ™ . I can’t relax without having a break from indirect social pressure. 


19:07 (07:07 PM) 

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to work on my websites. I can barely keep my eyes open and still had to unpack et cetera. 

It feels like it’s necessary – in terms of clarity for “my audience” [I have none…] – to edit my websites again. But I don’t like the process and I’ve done it ten times already, without the success I’m attempting to work towards, so I don’t know… I’ll still do it, though. My admission will be my motivation. I’m going to apply for the International Bachelor Econometrics and Operations Research (maybe combined with philosophy). If I really have to choose between school and work, on the level that suits the papers I have [they’re not worth anything], I’d rather go to school, excel and work for that same school and/or do research abroad. If I have to let go of my dreams of developing a self-owned multinational business… Of course I have a tiny bit of hope of succeeding in that through my time at the university, but then I’ll somehow have to overcome the extreme tachycardia level of social anxiety I’ve built up, which is something I didn’t have, the last time I was a student there. 

I’ll start working on assembling the right documents and everything, tomorrow. Partially, I’m very excited about going back to Erasmus University. I love to learn, I love being challenged [I think econometrics is a more suitable challenge for me] and I absolutely love to be in an environment which brings a lot of opportunities (to survive in the future and to show/develop my talents). The mandatory classes [so not being free in how to spread the study load (it sounds a bit picky, but it made the crucial difference in why I did better at The Open University, than I did at Erasmus and in high school) and having less time for my own projects] and the becoming part of a large group of people I all don’t know, where I’ll feel a strong need to befriend everyone, but simultaneously, wanting to be invisible. Even though I want to be honest in my admission letter, I need to be sure that I don’t include [yet still showing you]: “I wish only lectures were mandatory, because I don’t like to make homework. I prefer to read, listen and use the knowledge in practice right away [for my own projects]. Tests are only fun when I’ve mastered the theories well enough to pass it with a proper grade (that is an 8 or higher [I won’t be at peace if it’s less])…” “I attend university to learn and (more to)  obtain a title. Making friends freaks me out (the potential superficiality and how much that can stress me out), and I don’t feel the need to, so I don’t intend to…” “May I see my B? I’m very lost without him ๐Ÿ™ ” “I wonder what happened at the university when I was missing… It shouldn’t have happened and the truth should be proclaimed. I’m still so not over it. It makes me want to hide.” “Suicide is my only other option, if you don’t allow me in. I really am smart enough to make it ๐Ÿ™ .”

I’m not sure if I should include that I would rather just write a thesis right away, since I have a lot of revolutionary ideas for it, I’m a very fast learner, it’s far more fun and useful than making a test and it would be making much better use of my time. 

Should I try to stand out for the person who I am [but that could mean that my depressing and slightly crazy philosophy on how today’s trends are dumb (unappealing) and dangerous when it comes to the long-term sustainability of our planet], or should I play the “I’ll blend in so perfectly, I’m a true team player, helping businesses make profit in the future is important, yay meeting new people, I guarantee you with 200% that I’ll finish the program”-card, which is all lies, but it’s what everyone says, and it seems to work every time…. 

I guess I’ll do a little bit of both. The most frustrating part of this, is that the upcoming first year [I want to be in my final year already… I just want the title ๐Ÿ™ . And then my PhD…] starts in September 2019, so then I have a lotttttt of time to kill… A lotttttttt… 

I’ve been looking at ANWB vacancies… There, too, the applying for something that includes “Are you a team player?”, makes me feel like I’m lying. I’ve been there. I’ve been that “team player” (just piling everything up myself instead of letting someone else fuck it up, because my written language is hard to understand). But truthfully, I prefer to lead. To set out the strategy and divide the tasks. (But where is something like that available for someone with only a gymnasium diploma and two Open University certificates…? (Hmu haha) X_X) Also, that drama e-mail I sent… X_x. I wonder what that meow will think, if our eyes were to ever meet again. I don’t want to know x_x. There’s this vacancy from the financial administration. But my working experience as clerical assistant, which did bring me all the knowledge I need to understand what needs to be done at the job I saw the vacancy for, might not be considered legitimate working experience… Also, that means that I’ll have to talk to those beasty clients again, and in that way, I’ll never be saved from this tachycardia. I guess I’ll do a winter sleep and hope I’m not dead by September…

“Just kidding”… I’ll find a way to earn. Also, I prefer to just start with my studies on Tuesday, if I send my application letter on Monday…. Yeah “but everyone wants that” “you can’t always get what you want” [I never do?] and “what makes you so special”… Oh meow ๐Ÿ™ . I just want to write a thesis… I can be done by September, and it will be in not only econometrics, but that will be the “overlaying” field (so the main research question, and the subquestions will be in other fields, still including that subject, for some of them). If I’d include that in my admission letter, would it be declined, would it be “haha ja leuk dat je dat wil, maar je gaat gewoon met de rest meedraaien” [I love that it’s not an overload of students in that programme, though, so I wouldn’t die on the inside that much, but still there’s something else I prefer], would it be fully ignored or would I receive a seperate message about a special mission of becoming a Graeyniss? 🙊 I want to be a Graeyniss 🙊. 

Where’s The Head Cuddle lab? May I see it? ๐Ÿ˜€ And may I become part of a Graeyniss society, too? You won’t regret allowing me in to your secret Graeyniss club ๐Ÿ˜€ . It won’t become part of my diary, if you don’t want it to ๐Ÿ™‚ .

So tomorrow will be all about that admission… And making my websites look more representative (before I sumbit it)… And trying to make that make me become a researcher instead of a student ๐Ÿ˜€ . It would all be so much more fun, a lot more unique, a lot more of a true challenge and a very good step towards making good changes to the system, if the University is open to it and if I manage to make it clear what I’m working towards. 

But how do I, if I apply via the regular submission route, manage to start next week [I will do the leadership part and will make sure that my Graeynissis won’t grow extra grey hairs because of the time and pressure that comes from my thesis. On the contrary, I want to give them more free time and make sure that those grey hairs come from sexy ageing ๐Ÿ˜€ ]…? Dreaming isn’t a crime… 

The changes that have to be made to my business website are, hahaha… I need investors to be able to run the end form properly, but I want to become a publisher who publishes for not only me (more researchers 😻). Yaay we need each other. It would be so awesomeee if I could make some twice-my-age Graeyniss friends ๐Ÿ˜€ . You need a more accessible research publishing platform, which allows for a lot more freedom in the way you publish! I think I might succeed in succeeding in getting all of this off the ground, by applying ๐Ÿ˜€ . Will this help me slow down tachycardia…? (Haha should I mention that I have that and that allowing me in, in the alternative way I’ll propose, can save my heart? (Which has the figurative size of a basketball…))

I’m going to write for my business website and admission letter, right away! (Starting on pen and paper…) The excitement I got from writing this, makes me feel wide awake (and hungry)! 

Tomorrow, you’ll hear my definitive approach on this ๐Ÿ™‚ . [This would be great, because in that way, I’m still in “the same league” as other people of my age (instead of way below that, starting from scratch, while they’re almost done (and that while I’m still on a different path)), I could socialize the way I crave to socialize (on a muuuuuuuch higher level, talking about our research ideas and findings ๐Ÿ˜€ ) and then I’d finally have a suitably challenging occupation 😻. (Then generating an income to get by and live independently, would be my (only) side-challenge…………… Noo asking for money would go far too far x_x. (Even though I reallyyyyy need it…))]

Good night, my Sweetniss โ™ฅ

Meow 🙊

I love you โ™ฅ

– xxx –

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Friday, January 11, 2019

15:04 (03:04 PM) 

Good afternoonzz โ™ฅ

How are you today? 

I’m tired easily and chest achy, the way I usually am. I made this for “breaklunch”:

Those papers on the background are those medical documents I shared earlier, but this time with notes for doctor Cuddle. I can’t wait to see him ๐Ÿ˜€

I just left the pharmacy, close to where I stay in Amsterdam. I was there to buy a urine cup, because that’s what’s needed for the completion of doctor Cuddle’s research, but after waiting there for 30 minutes, there were two waiting people helped, and still 9 people in front of me, so I’m glad my mother found one at the drogisterij. 

Then I started to feel dizzy again, so I bought some water and “fresh” juice at the supermarket. Because I needed something on my stomach, I ended up settling for grote kaasstengels x_x. I’ve really had enough of supermarket food, truthfully…

But meoww now we’re on the road ๐Ÿ˜€ . On our way to Dรผsseldorf, to that hotel where I stayed the very first time I went to Germany for a doctor’s visit, which was where I met doctor Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ . If he wouldn’t have asked me to visit him at his other practice, I would have probably been dead already. He could have also just sent me home the way every Dutch doctor has, but he hasn’t and it’s starting to show that what I’ve been stating about my health is right. I love that he’s willing to go the extra mile for me [especially because of the potential diseases I speak of “don’t suit my age” (but neither does my entire personality…) and he’s actually willing to listen to it]. He’s so Cuddle! ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ


17:15 (05:15 PM) 

We just crossed the border. Yay :D.


18:12 (06:12 PM) 

Same room type, different dayy:

The last time I was here, I didn’t have this jacket yett. My eyes were also less swollen… 

Sillyface Fangsss my tongue has been deshaped ever since those psycho pillss


22:37 (10:37 PM) 

I’m back in our hotel room, after having visited the sauna here and before that, dinner. 

Dinner was soooo tastyyy 😻

My lamb’s rack was crispy and rare 😻. So perfecttt and that while I didn’t even ask for its rareness! (We were at Casa Mattoni. Our intention was to eat in the hotel’s restaurant, but it was reserved for a private occasion, so they made a reservation for us there.)

Tastiest risotto ever ๐Ÿ˜€ . It went very well with my pesce ๐Ÿ™‚

I can never turn down tiramisu 😻. It was very subtly flavored, which is the way I like my fooodd. From how full my glass of wine still is, you see how much of a slow drinker I actually am. It’s better for me to fully quit. I’ll learn how to say “No” soon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It was within a walking distance of where we’re staying (Melia Innside Dรผsseldorf Seestern) – and I made it there and back without even feeling like fainting, so yay. 

Right after coming back, we went into the sauna. On the one hand, I believe that wellness things are good for my heart issues, but not all of them, I guess. The heat and small space create such mental pressure. At some point I felt like fainting again, so I just went out and took a quick shower to “restabilize”. 

Now I’m extremely tired, so I’m going to go to bed. I look forward to tomorrow’s breakfast and even more to seeing doctor Cuddle ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Good night, sweetie โ™ฅ

I love you so much 🙊 โ™ฅโ™ฅ


Blog, Online Diary

Thursday, January 10, 2019

13:56 (01:56 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I hope this will be my last day in this powerless situation. Hopefully my mother hearing the news straight from the doctor instead of from me, will make her fucking realize that what I say about my health is not “a fit of schizophrenia”. I hope he can also make her (and the rest of the dumb motherfuckers who don’t believe me) realize that forcing me to work for a boss can kill me, because of the stress that is put on my heart (and the fact that I’d rather die than do that again (that means suicide)). Sucks that I depend on her in this, now. My health and finances don’t allow me to go to Germany by myself anymore.

I also hope that somehow it will make me stay in a less crowded part of Germany, until all of my health issues are fixed. Or that I’ll be referred to a specialist in California 😋. Those are just dreams, though… But it would be amazing. And then, for the sake of keeping my heart rate stable and not risking it going back to level tachycardia, receiving help to leave my old life – including its stress factors – behind all together, and starting over, there. With my Graeynissis. Including our personal doctor 😻.

The more I text, the more I realize how alone I am. Answering the how are you doing – if someone really gives a fuck, it doesn’t have to be asked, because it can be read here – with that all I can do is rest and I’ve been diagnosed with tachycardia (not even having gone into the situation with the white blood cells), has led to one switching the topic to an R. Kelly documentary “I must watch” [if you know me, you know under no circumstance I would watch something like that voluntarily], which then led to a discussion about why that is or is not just a media stunt [the most stressful thing ever, when someone doesn’t listen to my view], one changing the topic to personal drama [showing empathy in a case like that, increases my stress levels] and one telling me that what I say about my health is not true. God damn, I want to delete my Whatsapp account. But I still need it… Hopefully until I’ve received the assistance I need, because it’s stressing me out. 

What would be the healthiest for me, is to buy out everyone, so that there’s zero reason for them to claim “my friendship” [which would make me 90% more stress-free], then continue to clear my name, and make sure that I never go back to anything that reminds me of this life. That would make me the happiest person alive… (There’s a handful of people I do would like to keep in my life, but only when they would be happy to make the same switch with me, of leaving everything behind and starting over somewhere else. Never to return.)

But why today is then my last day, instead of Saturday, is because tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I have something to do. Now it’s just entertaining myself, while hoping that I don’t pass out again, especially now that I’m all alone. That’s what I did all week ๐Ÿ™ . 

I wish I could somehow find people who are on my side in this debate. Fully on my side. I mean everyone says it, but from the way they talk shit behind my back and don’t stand up for me, I know better. These people fully on my side, must be people who just have a very good sense of justice. In the way I give information on this blog, both sides can still be picked – a conscious move – and choosing the “against me” side is easier, because that requires a lottttttttttt less thought, so if you’re on my side in this, because you truly believe me, know that I’ll love you for all eternity! โ™ฅ


18:26 (06:26 PM) 

The walk I went for, didn’t last long. Man, I really can’t wait to see my doctor ๐Ÿ™ . Going outside by myself is such a big risk. Again, I felt dizzy from the moment of stepping outside, and later I had such intense chest pains ๐Ÿ™ . Then my phone was about to die – and I’m not that familiar in this neighborhood  – so I started to make my way back. (Also because the park/forest/semi-uncultivated land was unlit.)

I made these radom pictures:

A typical Dutch sight


I love walking, which is why I kept going. I also loved the calmth. But it’s not safe for me anymore to do things like this, somehow, so I can’t wait until Saturday ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The reason why I took that walk, was by means of preparing myself for tomorrow’s journey and whatever else my mother and I will be doing. I hope it will be enjoying the hotel spa… 


22:55 (10:55 PM) 

My love, I’m off to bed

I hope that in the coming two days, things will finally start to play out in my advantage. Usually, that would mean not being sick at all, but in my case, I know my body is severely weakened, so I hope it will give us full clarity on all causes and I hope I’ll be able to get treatment for it, starting in the same week… 

On my statement about parenting being dead: all parents seem to do these days, is yell at their children and force them into making career decisions. That’s because all they know is the routinous life they know now [as pawns], but life won’t stay like that by the time we get older, so most of them really shouldn’t force their opinion on a younger mind. (Of course, some non-yelling parents exist and of course a lot of children are very untamable. I think it’s best to just let untamable children learn from experience.)

I really wish my life wouldn’t have become this hassle ๐Ÿ™ . I could have been doing research and campaigning, with my B, if that irreversible fucked up shit wouldn’t have happened in 2017 ๐Ÿ™ . And now I’m here x_x. 

I hope my health can be fixed and that from that, better things will follow. 

Good night, my Cuddle โ™ฅ

I love you ♥♥


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Wednesday, January 9, 2019

12:38 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I just finished my first meal of the day

My body feels less weak than yesterday, but weaker than the day before that.  I don’t feel strong enough to go for a walk, later, but I’m going so crazy from being indoors all of the time. I want to move some. So I might still just do it. 

But first… I’ll take a short nap on the couch… ๐Ÿ™ My level and frequency of fatigue are insane :'(. Love you xxx


13:03 (01:03 PM) 

Change of plansss. I find myself too smelly to lay on a couch that is not mine. So I’ll be showing firsttt… 


18:01 (06:01 PM) 

I decided to draw today



I’m almost donee but part of the fam came home and we’re about to have dinner now. Meoww two days until I hopefully have some better health…


18:59 (06:59 PM) 

This is where I was before around dinner:

The black has a sort of confusing effect, because it was used to outline and for facial features, but I think that will be less, when I’m done

Meoww I can barely keep my eyes open. My chest pains are appearing more frequently, too ๐Ÿ™ . I’m glad I only have to entertain my weakened self for one more day, tomorrow, and then Friday we’re already heading to Germany. 

In case I fall in a deep sleep that takes me overnight 

Good night

I love you 

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

10:13 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅโ™ฅ

I still feel sick. With the motion headache, the internal pains and my fatigue. My breathing and heart rate become worse every day. 

Also, I noticed that I’ve destroyed my eyes with all of this typing on here. Last night, I  suddenly had extreme needs to water them with water. It felt like they were drinking, when I poured water from a bottle cap, into my eyes, because it kept feeling like they wanted more. 

So today, I won’t be posting anything – but I always keep my phone close, because when whatever snake attempts to get me into the closed vicinity of a mental institution again, I need to let you know and you’re the only one who can get me out of there. 

By the way, I think I might have to shave my head or something, because my hair loss is insane. Whole chunks of hair come loose, almost every time I touch it. 

I’ll be sleeping today and drawing, when I’m able to. 

Have a nice day ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

Oh and on that Waddeneiland storm now having reached Amsterdam…. I hope I’ll be out of the country by the time it reaches Rotterdam, because blub blub blub blub blub…. But it doesn’t seem like it. Help x_x


22:53 (10:53 PM) 

Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to draw ๐Ÿ™ . The strength in my body is even less than yesterday. The thought of only being able to lay in bed, until I go to Germany, with my mother, on Friday – then checking out on Saturday and going to the appointment, after which I’ll go back to Amsterdam – drives me crazy, on the inside. 

Maybe I have myasthenia gravis ๐Ÿ™ . I want to do so many things, but now I’m tired after turning around in bed…. My poor Wirbelsaรผle, I’m fucking up with this pillow that doesn’t suit my body type, by the way. I think the whole concept of parenting should just be declared dead. Because it is. I’m left for dead ๐Ÿ™ . 

Ah meoow be my Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ โ™ฅ

I came here to say

Good night

I love you

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Monday, January 7, 2019

02:11 (AM) 

Meow excuse my delay. I’m tired and that makes me slow ๐Ÿ™ . I think it’s the most healthy to wait with what I wanted to share with you – it’s a lot of thoughts – until I’ve had some better rest. Then I’ll also not feel like rushing it. 

I’m in bed now, wearing socks until my feet get warm [I wish I had a warm body to cuddle [klinkt het alsof ik over een lijk praat? HAHAHA dat bedoel ik niet. I’m talking about finding Cuddle loveee] to replace my socks with… Would you truly love to warm my feet? Meoow people like that are almost extinct and very hard to find.] and since I can’t fall asleep with cold feet, I can still keep you company, until my legs don’t end with these size 41 ice cubes anymore. 

Laking makes it warmer underneath the sheets, too ๐Ÿ™‚ . Meoow. I don’t know if my frequency (and slight dependence) is(/are)  healthy, though…

I’ll set my alarm for 10 o’clock, because to cancel a phycisians appointment without being charged for it, you need to do that 24 hours in advance. I’m also going to ask what the fuck ze gedeclareerd hebben, since I haven’t seen a doctor in this fucking country since 2017. And then I’ll call doctor Cuddle’s practice [“the main practice he works at” applies better, but that’s more typing] and ask when he’s available. I might be able to go there again now that my mother is willing to bring me there. The problem is that she seems not appreciative of me wanting to use the findings from Germany for my legal case regarding my emotional and physical damage, as a result of the authoritarian psychopaths destroying my life. 

I feel another wave of powerlessness in that… I need justice. And money ๐Ÿ™ . The type of pillow I need, which will cause my neck to not hurt – I think that might be the cause of my headache – is not cheappp. 

Are there any volunteers who are very eager to help me clear my name and road trip to doctor Cuddle’s practice with me? Because I will be stressed the fuck out all of the time if I have to go there with someone who just wants to see if I’m sane or not and then try to get me to that heartless Dutch phycisian of mine. Or any other Dutch phycisian. Isn’t it clear that I’m so done with the Dutch health care system? All they focus on is symptoombestrijding, but never on solving the cause of the symptoms. And then they give up whenever they get the chance and start to kill you with morphine. More about that after my resting. Voor zover ik daartoe in staat ben… ๐Ÿ™ [that was about resting]

My feet are warm enough now ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Slaap zacht, mijn liefste โ™ฅ

I love you 😽

– xxx –

07:12 (AM) 

Ah meoow my feet cooled off quickly before I was able to lake myself to sleep, and then my thoughts kept me awake. Now my stomach is demanding nutrition again, but I basically haven’t had a proper good night’s rest in…. Yeah since that time I was alone in Enschede, I think… 

I don’t want to get out of bed, but I’m “in the mood for” (variation, actually) bitter melon and solanum macrocarpon. I so want to sleep ๐Ÿ™ . 

The Head Cuddle [ = my head B โ™ฅ… I intended to keep it a secret, until I kept being forced to speak (it still took them monthsssssssssss)] reminded me of red meat 😻 . My mouth is watering now… I might spend my last cash on going to the butcher later. For a tiny piece of the tastiest meat. And some fresh tuna… 😻 Then I also catch some “fresh air”. It’s just “alternative to inside air is outside air”, because Dutch outside air is just as deadly as inside air. I can’t stand all of the noise from (the concept of) outside, but I like walking, so…

I’m going to eat some yoghurt to silence my stomach, check when the butcher opens and hope that I’m done before 10 AM, because you shouldn’t have another kutgesprek on an empty stomach ๐Ÿ™‚ . [This because – is it Dutchยฟ – me cancelling the appointment might be followed by the “why” question. Ugh. Even when the soonest moment I could be helped in Germany were in 2 weeks, I would rather die than see that bitch who called me incompetent and believes it, again. I also want to share my philosophy on the wall situation with you, later ๐Ÿ™‚ ] Ttyl xxx


08:11 (AM) 

Meowss. I suddenly sooo lovee plain yoghurt :). Usually I consume that with a crazy amount of honey. 

Meoww I see the butchery opened at 8 ๐Ÿ™‚ . There’s no fish store in the distance I’ll be able to walk with this amount of nutrition in my system, without passing out. 

I’ll be finishing this, showering – need to time this right, since this meow who apparently also has a cat onesie [with a tail! The Coolniss ๐Ÿ˜€ ], lives the 40 hours niss, has to go to work, and I don’t want to make him be late – and cooking my type of lunch I haven’t cooked for myself in such a long time. I haven’t even had lunch in like… How many weeks? It has been “breakfast” [iets om je holle kies mee te vullen (dat is een spreekwoord)] and dinner only, for quite some time now. The tired Fangs on a budget life. I’m also getting veryyyyyyyyyyyy tired of typing so much all of the time x_x. 

But I do have some interesting things to share with you later ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


09:24 (AM) 

Tired petje is going to “run” [with the state of my health, I can’t even run… While I love sprinting ๐Ÿ™ ] to the store and still be in time for that ughhhh phone call. 

Fucking hateee when pedestrians look at me while they talk, when I walk past them outside


11:42 (AM) 

I see another awesome loophole opportunity to get closer to solving my case ๐Ÿ˜€

Here’s how I got there:

For some reason, this little boss ass daredevil gave me hope

I did my grocery shopping and calling off my Dutch phycisian (including requesting information about unsubscribing) all before 10:30 ๐Ÿ™‚ . Die klok loopt zelfs vier minuten voor ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I expexting to be making a decision between entrecote and kobe or something. But they didn’t even have that… This kogelbiefstuk cost me โ‚ฌ5,95 and it looked like it can’t be eaten rare or even medium-rare (it was on a big bulk of meat and I asked for two plaques…). In my neighborhood I can get better quality food for less… It’s because of the ratio between people and food, plus food wishes 

The supermarket here also doesn’t sell non-frozen, fresh tuna (I’ve asked an employee for this, when I was there). 

My bitter melon was overdue, so I chose to eat the solanum macrocarpon (“antroewa” in het Sranang Tongo) with green asperges ๐Ÿ™‚

My mother told me it’s healthier to garnish with butter, instead of to fry with it

Meowss I feel better alreadyy

Location revealedd

I three different topics were discussed in those few minutes. The assistant’s predictable answers [answers are always even worse than I expect them] makes my situation feel like I have a bit more hope

On the phone, I asked the assistant/receptioniste to cancel tomorrow’s appointment. She asked if that is because I am better now. I told her “No, it’s because I have found someone who wants to bring me to Germany.” She then started saying things, but I interrupted her with: “Ik heb twee vragen. De eerste is wat er vrijdag is gedeclareerd.” Then she told me that they didn’t do anything, that I should check it myself online and that it might be the new annual registration tariff. [And then I thought It’s sooo coincidental that she’s talking about registration [grrr fucking weird answer by the way], because of what my last question ever is!!!] I replied: “Okay. My last question is what the procedure of unsubscription of this practice is.” 

She told me that my new physician should then textually contact the practice, and then they will officially transfer my file. Guess what I’ll then be discussing at my very long appointment with doctor Cuddle this coming Saturday 😻. Haha me having someone from Germany as main phycisian (to be), is sooo against the whole point of that Dutch health care system. But I’ve lost my faith in it. I’ve basically never had faith in it.

Not only because I’ve lost so many people in my life. Also because the ratio between people and the amount of hospitals available, in all of the Netherlands… Is… Hopeless…? There’s also no space for a new big hospital, where it’s needed. Het IJsselland ziekenhuis [fuck a capital “Z” on this one], for example, is the nearest hospital for all people in Capelle aan den IJssel (so Capelle West, Capelle Schollevaar, Capelle ‘s Gravenland [where I (should I say “used to”?) “live”], Oostgaarde, Middelwatering…) and Rotterdam Oost (Prins Alexander, Lageland, Oosterflank en Ommoord [and more?]). Het gebouw zelf ziet er al uit als een noodvoorziening… And they do severe morphine treatments… Why the fuck does someone have to go to school for more than 4 years, to only do symptoombestrijding and “extreme ingrepen” and other than that are educated to thin out the Dutch population “of its weaklings”…?? That sounds very World War Two “resurfaced”, to me… The authority of “law enforcement” psychiatrists and shiz, too… 


13:08 (01:08 PM) 

Meoww I’ve made the appointment for Saturday, because I thought of how to get the most of his time. There are still more symptoms to research the origin of… My heart feels happy and safe, when I’m around him. (He knows that I have trust issues with doctors and he’s a very good listener.) I always want an appointment to last forever. [I’m such “a hopeless romantic” hahaha…]

Also, my muscles are crazyyy tight, so I’m happy to be able to finally get a long session of osteopathy :D. Before that, there are a lot of things to discuss! 

So “length-of-appointment”-wise, I love Saturday. But when it comes to the current state of my health… 

Opening the door this morning and being exposed to outside air, already made me feel slightly dizzy. It’s scary, knowing that your body could give out at any second. Somehow I made there and back. 

But now I’m tired from that small moment of being outside and cooking. And eating, of course. On the phone with the assistant of my soon to be not anymore my (Dutch) phycisian, I was dealing with veryyyyy severe breathing problems, from the stress. It was definitely hearable. 

Ik schrok me om 12 uur trouwens ook weer te gewoonlijke tering, door dat kut luchtalarm. Denkend: Water!! Water!! Neeeee!! Water? Ooh nee het is twaalf uur.

Meow too tired to continue typing xxxx 


20:36 (08:36 PM) 

Food petje ๐Ÿ˜€

The soup is nice ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m sharing my visje with Jam ๐Ÿ™‚

On the situation with the wall:

It’s craazyyy how ignorant people can be these days. Everyone in the world has an opinion about President Trump and his wall. 

The media calls it fucked up, so people call it fucked up. It’s not there, so truthfully, they can’t know if it will be fucked up. 

Everyone has heard about the Berlin wall in school (sort of) and might relate it to that. But that’s a misinterpretation. 

If he would want to build that wall in between Maryland and Pennsylvania, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If he were to demand it to be built on Mexican soil, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If it were European countries building walls in between each other, that would be against the law, because in the European Union, borders are open. 

[I must say there should be an exception made for Germany and Belgium, because they should be allowed to defend themselves from flooding, when the Netherlands flood(s).]

[Die shit met de Waddeneilanden, I consider a sign of God, trouwens. And I don’t even consider myself a religious person (anymore) hahaha.]

But people should realize that he’s a politician who actually has a good plan. 

You see, illegal immigrants… Are illegal. So… They should just be legal immigrants… Immigrating legally. Maybe Mexico also needs better politics, and that wall might be a good incentive. 

Mind you that refugees are not illegal immigrants. Especially when a country has a hand in a war that causes mass migration, refugees should be allowed in. But still it’s important that people live purposeful lives and not just claim a spot, for the sake of claiming it, to do nothing with it, afterwards. 

But if you can’t get the democrats to cooperate – they always want to talk too much and never really improve anything but just $$$$$ eww – maybe they will, if it’s a wall made of very thick bulletproof glass? Or maybe a very high electric fence? Popsicle sticks…?

On the law enforcement people: they’re given a holiday? Those people must be criminals with an authority and anger problem. An addiction to it maybe, even. I mean being an authoritarian fuck all day must be stressful, so if you’re not paid for it, you should not work. 

This man who was interviewed for it, on the Dutch late night news, yesterday, said that otherwise people are going to escape. How about they link the cameras there to the hobby room in their home (because they have hobbies right hahahahaha), and put a digital sniper rifle in that panopticum tower of theirs, to shoot anyone who runs out. 

Then the captivated people can have some fun time, too. “You know where to find the snacks. I’m going to Ibiza ๐Ÿ™‚ .” [Of course they might also start killing each other. But people should just let people be.]

What I wanted to say about forbidden office romance, is that is very much shouldn’t be!!!! It’s insane! Love is one of the few fun things in life ๐Ÿ™ . At least to this catje ๐Ÿ™ . 

Of course, a lot of people won’t be able to handle it, and a workplace might become like a zoo. (Not everyone is able to concentrate on working, so quickly resides to talking nonsense and distracting others.)

“See that girl there two tables away…?” Haha while the world then becomes a more dumb pile fucking mess, I can be kissing with my Graeynissis, while taking over the world 🙊.

Meoww this is the exact opposite order I intended to tell things yesterday, but my spontaneous red meat craving (actually still unsatisfied) changed things around. I’m still thirsty… 

But even more tired, and because of that, I’ll be going to call it a day. (I wish doctor Cuddle were my neighbor… I need eyes of true medical understanding on me ๐Ÿ™ .)

Good night โ™ฅ

I love you


Blog, Online Diary

Sunday, January 6, 2019

02:52 (AM) 

I went straight to bed after twisting my hair (took me about 30 minutes… I rushed it and that is visible ๐Ÿ™ . It’s not neat…). But a growling stomach leads to:


I think my body is getting unappreciative of white carbs, because even though I’m very hungry, I feel extreem misselijk after eating the pasta, but not when I eat the salmon and spinach. I must say that I’ve been feeling misselijk for quite a few days, but I almost choked to death this one time I vomited, a few years ago, so now I’m scared to, and I’ve trained myself to not even have “vomit oprispingen” [because I would not swallow it back ewww]… 

My family friends visited my parents today, and as I asked my mother, they took my blanket with them ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m quite attached to it. It has gotten me through all seasons and is older than I am. [But I can’t stand that my father lets us pay for everything from our own pocket, because otherwise the government will know how much money he’s hiding. He doesn’t want to get caught, so we all have to play along. But what if I want him to get caught? I don’t even want him in prison. I just want peace. I can’t even pay my own fucking health expenses. I also can’t afford a new all-seasons blanket. Or a mattress that suits my Wirbelsaรผle (spinal column, wervelkolom)  ๐Ÿ™ .]

Haha by the way, yesterday I had this “wow” moment, when was on the toilet, and I thought: Het is tweeduizend negentien na Christus. “Na Christus” is somehow still a thing, in this godless society…

Meow how to satisfy my vitamin cravings ๐Ÿ™ . I want to try fruits and vegetables I’ve never tried before ๐Ÿ™ . But that’s not possible here. Especially not in the winter season…. 

Later today I’ll elaborate on the national hospital “semi-solvable problem” [not everyone will consider it a solution] here and “no love” policies on the work floor, about which I have a very funny piece of mind to share. 


I was portrayed as “the dumb fan”

Those reporters let me repeat my answer three times, and the third time, it sounded the most mechanic, because underneath, I was starting to get annoyed.


My growling stomach problem, including its selective taste, is satisfied by:

I need to show you something else, also :). But I need to go upstairs for that, so you’ll see that when I get upstairs. 

Something else sharable for which I don’t have to go upstairs – by means of entertainment for in the meantime for you – is some small tasks for today I listed when I couldn’t fall asleep: 

Crucial changes to this blog are that category name and my welcome text

And this:

My account name is _docis [I’ve mentioned that on here before, maar voor de nieuwkomers ๐Ÿ™‚ ]


04:11 (AM) 

This was what I wanted to show you that is now upstairs:

Jamiro bought me groceries today ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m so very grateful of him doing this for me. It’s written instead of a text, because when he told me what he’ll be cooking now that his parents were going to visit my parents, he told me that I should text him what groceries I need. My phone was upstairs and I was barely able to walk, so I asked for a post-it to write on. Now I’ll cherish this. I don’t know where to keep it yet… Maybe my sketch book? 

I feel bad for not being able to pay him back for this. Not that I think that he’s not able to afford it. I’m actually very proud of him that he has been able to manage working full-time for so long (a few years now, and he’s 23). And he’s still at it. [But that we have to do this from such a young age shouldn’t be considered normal – because there’s more to life – and shouldn’t be encouraged – because there’s more to life – is my opinion. Most people don’t become happy from it.] But I like to pay people back when they pay for things for me. Even though I don’t often ask for my money back, when I pay for someone else. (Only when I’m on my last euro, I ask it back.)

I wish I could show you pictures from when we were younger, but they’re in the picture albums at “my father’s house”.

I’m going to try to sleep again. Now I don’t have to wear this uncomfortable workout crewneck-ish thing anymore. I’ll be able to sleep with a t-shirt on, without being cold ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night again xxx


04:59 (AM) 

I still can’t sleep – probably because my eyes got used to the light of my phone screen in the dark – and in the meantime, I’ve decided on my new welcome text ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meow ๐Ÿ™‚

A slight change 

Additions. I’ll also change it to “keep posting updates on here” instead of “keep writing”. “But for this I need the assistance of some powerful individuals I love. I call them my Graeynissis. We have been separated from each other ๐Ÿ™ .”

To make it the new welcome text, I nees to get behind my laptop, though. Which is what I’ll do after sleeping… 

I’ll try to sleep again. I’m always afraid I’ll get that issue with my heart rate and breathing, I sometimes have in my sleep. It hurts a lot, and I’m not able to breathe, when it happens. All I can do is hope to get my breathing ability back, and hope it doesn’t lead to sudden cardiac death. The first time I experienced those chest pains and not being able to breathe, while I’m asleep – and I try to mentally wake myself up – I was about 10 years old. 

*random* I always need to wait until my feet are fully warmed, until I’m able to fall asleep. I now have socks on in bed, but I really don’t like the feeling of waking up with socks on. 

Meow ๐Ÿ™ xxx


12:28 (AM)

Good afternoon, my Cuddle โ™ฅ

Here’s het bed petje [as in the English word pet and the Dutch verkleinwoord (“verkleinuitgang” (that covers it better, but that word doesn’t exist)) -je] speaking ๐Ÿ™‚ . I lay here so cuddly and warm, I don’t want to get up. 

I also don’t want to move, because somehow, I stillllll have that bewegingshoofdpijn ๐Ÿ™ . I’ve never had this for so long ๐Ÿ™ . The pain becomes worse every time I move (my head).
I’ll have to get up, though. I don’t like my hunger pains ๐Ÿ™ . I also feel like sleeping some more… Maybe after eating. 

Ah, meow… I’ll be schuifelen (not walking, because the steps hurt and my body shivers when I try to) to the badkamer, to brush my teeth, and then go downstairs. I’ll fry an egg with spinach and eat some yoghurt… Tot later xxx 

[This piece of update will be posted later than I’ve attempted to upload it, because [after some searching around for the cause of me not being able to update what I wrote down] I see Strato is doing a server-side update ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope it will make my blog even more safe ๐Ÿ™‚ .]

My website was redirected to this page, because of the server-sided maintenance


13:45 (01:45 PM) 

The bathroom is occupied, so I’m still bed petting. I notice the update is done, because I’m able to upload images into my articles again. 

From the way that update text was formulated, it seems like I was doing that update myself. But I update this blog 24/7, so if that were me, you would always see that text. “We’re doing server-side maintenance,” suits the situation better. 

Another answer worth sharing:

Ik ben niet tegen, maar ik ben ook geen nationalist.


14:00 (02:00 PM) 


Ik krijg in Nederland niet eens passende medische hulp, dus waar the fuck moet ik voor betalen? Dan ga ik mijn Duitse zorgkosten ook bij deze barbaren declareren hoor. Dit is fucking illegaal. Het is zeker die fucking huisarts van mij weer. 

I’m showing you the relatienummer, so that you can also see the injustice that has been happening to me. 

I also wish them good luck with deducting, because my bank account has less than โ‚ฌ4 to spend on it. Grrrrrrr…. 


14:13 (02:13 PM) 

All of this stress is making me sweaty, and there are guests downstairs, so I’m going to brush my teeth, take a shower and eat some. 


15:03 (03:03 PM) 

By means of eating healthy… When it comes to taste, I prefer white bread over dark bread, but variation and health are more important ๐Ÿ™‚ .


15:21 (03:21 PM) 

I’m full ๐Ÿ™ . And tired ๐Ÿ™ .

I find it strange that I’m suddenly full so fast


22:31 (10:31 PM) 

Haha I hope now I’ll never get complaints about how it’s not clear what I do, again, with the new text on the home page of this site. It became more elaborate than I intended. 

Because on the one hand I’m trying to do business, but on the other hand, my medical past and present keeps haunting me, so my process is very stagnate. And when external parties from here interfere in it, it always has negative consequences for me. 

Meanwhile, I’ve also seen a part of a movie Willem Holleeder. I didn’t know there was a movie about him, but the movie and its background theories are apparently very popular as well. [On the couch, I edited this page and when I was done, the channel was changed to where that was on.] I only knew about his college Q&A from a few years ago. I still just don’t understand how there’s a whole branding team behind his identity, and that that is considered normal. Isn’t that encouraging criminality?

Meowww from the things I wanted to elaborate on today, I’ll start with love ๐Ÿ™‚ .

But excuse me for a few minutes (and the time I’ll need to write the next update in this post), as I fix my stomach problem again (with the temporary solution), and enter cuddle-mode ๐Ÿ™‚ . Be right back xxx


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Saturday, January 5, 2019

02:32 (AM) 

Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist… 

I’m still very tired and this headache makes me prefer to sleep – but at the same time, I like talking. The “It’s alive!!!” joke made me think for a second that I’m better off in my own bed, but our long conversation made me change my mind. It also made me forget about the awful headache I have – besides the moments I accidentally stared into a lamp. 

By the way, before I changed my policy of speaking my mind, I was on a path of busting my father for the illegal shit he’s doing. I still wouldn’t care at all if he were to get caught. It might even be a relief. Since we have nothing to talk about. 

In this life, a parent should support you in the life’s path you have the right to develop yourself. If you want to play a dictator and with animal-like screaming and other forms of aggression, to push through “the parent’s dream of a child’s future”, you can fuck off… In the end, that’s all I care about anyway. A lot of people say that he loves me and shit, and I allow these people to say it [as in I don’t use the 1001 arguments I have as to why not (money > kids = #1)], but I have seen very different things. 

But how the meow can I future, then? ๐Ÿ™ Okay, at first I need my heart rate fixed, et cetera… But I kind of very much want to rule the world… The more I lay in bed, the less I get the impression that I ever will… Meoow ๐Ÿ™ . Do we do living happily ever after…? I have so many questions about that viral missing campaign, but those who I want to ask questions, I can’t reach… That’s soooo fucking unfair, it makes me want to fang whoever caused that… 

I’m off to go back to bed

I would like a harness for my Wirbelsaรผle, by the way. And a antiknarsgebit… Et cetera… 

Meow haha

Good night

I love you [an expression that always gives me palpitations lol. But I do…]


PS. I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks and untying those twists took some pressure off my head. But I need to prevent it from tangling, so I made these little buns… They’re a bit too tight, for my headache, so I’ll make them more loose… 

Meow… Forcing myself to not pull up my shoulders, because of stupid pains. I’ll be sleeping with that exact same sweater… And sport socks… 

11:07 (AM) 

Good morning meow โ™ฅ

I still feel sick ๐Ÿ™ . I need forehead kisses ๐Ÿ™ . Then I’ll feel better! 😻

That medizinische Eingriff for my tachycardia should take place soon, as well as maybe operations for those ongeremde celdeling cyste-ish infection (since antibiotics don’t work. But I don’t know if it’s possible. Also, maybe my pancreas is torn?

Meoow I’m quite scared of being put onder narcose, though ๐Ÿ™ . Veryyy scared, actually. (Yet still I’m pro operating instead of taking pills/chemo/things like that. It’s more natural.) I need Graeyniss Cuddle support ๐Ÿ™ . Then I’ll feel a lot less tense ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’m still in bed, but I’m hungry… Meow, I don’t want to get up ๐Ÿ™ . But my stomach hurts from the hunger, so I’ll have to go downstairs xxx [Need to buy yoghurt and cruesli or ask someone to buy it, for tomorrow or some, since I need to eat varied healthy. But today, it’s tosti time ๐Ÿ™‚ .]


18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meow ๐Ÿ™ 

I collapsed earlier today. As I took the tea bag out of my tea and the tosti iron was hot, I noticed my sight started to get blurry. I knew it was because of the hunger, so with my last strength, I quickly put the ham and cheese on top of the slice of white bread, and put the other slice of bread on top of it, while telling myself: I’ll be fine. I’ll make it to the couch and regain my strength there.  I closed the tosti iron and thought: But I need more vitamins, actually. And after it, I will get hungry again… I thought I would never have this anymore. My body became heavier.  I tried to walk out of the kitchen, to the couch, but around the door opening, it became very hard to breathe. I felt that I was about to faint and softly threw myself to the ground, before gravity would. (One of the things I’ve learnt from fainting so often, as a kid.) 

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed. I kept telling myself. “What’s up? Try to get up.” “I need food,” I was able to say. Speaking costs a lot of energy. I crawled onto the couch. She gave me cookies. I was only able to eat in a laying down position. 

I’m so low on energy, still. It has been years since I’ve had a moment like this. I worry about it happening again ๐Ÿ™ . I need to see doctor Cuddle and my Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™ . 

When I got myself onto the couch, I first didn’t even have enough strength to change my position. Later I was able to. Even later, I was able to walk to the toilet. After dinner – Jamiro made pasta with Salmon 😻 – I was semi-able to go upstairs to get my phone. Other than that, all I’ve been able to do is lie down. I think the whole situation with my current life, finances and health situation just made my head spin, along with tachycardia. I want my heart rate to slow down a bit ๐Ÿ™ . (Could we succeed in doing that, by switching to a more calm environment and stuff? If avoiding a medische ingreep is possible, I would like to…) 

Meow I need serious medical assistance, but this country will get me killed ๐Ÿ™ . My Dutch medical records portray me as the spawn of Satan, and so “health care professionals” treat me as such [as you know, I speak from experience]. In het IJsselland ziekenhuis, for example, October 2016, this motherfucker (I wish I had a license to kill, when I think of him) named Mustafa, who works for Bavo Europoort [which is next to het IJsselland ziekenhuis (the department I ended up at (the closed vicinity))], came for a consult, because I didn’t want to go home [back to unnecessary fights] and I was still in pain. (But het IJsselland ziekenhuis is very small, so their policy is very much oriented on getting beds empty quickly. What my grandfather had, didn’t have to kill him.) The pain made me scream. This kanker idioot told me to act normal, because he was trying to talk to me. And that I should go home to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I replied: “So you spoke to my parents? [I did not tell him it was my mother’s birthday.] I can barely walk.” 

He told the nurses that they should give me lorazepam instead of painkillers (that’s why I want that license) and that I’m not allowed to go to the “psychiatric hospital” myself, but that I should be tied onto a brancard (like a mummy) “because he heard that I’m the type of person who runs away”. [I wonder how many people survive psychiatric hospitals… Those medicines and their treatment is deadly. The mental states they consider so severe, are actually nothing. Those “doctors”, who think that they are “above the mind” should be the patients.] In the way he explained what a psychiatric hospital was, it sounded like it would also be with beds, like in a normal hospital, but then for people who are so crazy that they can’t be in a normal hospital. (The idea freaked me out, but I found it still better than being trapped at home.) 

Stupid flashbacks ๐Ÿ™ . I’m so tired, still ๐Ÿ™ . But I haven’t showered in two days.  I feel nastyyy…. I should be careful, though. The density of the air could cause me to faint again. But I don’t want to feel like a nasty cat anymore… I’m Sheba 😋. 

Wish me luck xxxx [I’m “home” alone now…]


20:59 (08:59 PM) 

I made it ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m even more tired now, though. And I’m hungry again ๐Ÿ™ . I’m such a petje 😽. I’m going to attempt to cook spinach and add it to the pasta. I know it will go so very well with it ๐Ÿ˜€ . After eating that, I’ll be going to bed. But not before telling you good night and maybe write some other things to you, als ik inspiratie heb haha.


21:24 (09:24 PM) 

This will get me through the night, without me getting hungry, I hope… 

Meow ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know what to talk about… I feel very powerless in this situation, with the weakness of my body and everything… In between uploading that picture and typing this, I had a short moment of feeling light headed again. Luckily no blurry sight (yet?  ๐Ÿ™ ). Meow ๐Ÿ™ . 

I often say write, instead of type. That’s because in real life, I adapt my language. It depends on who I’m around. This is a “deeper” form of self-expression. 

Maybe a Cishe would restabilize my heart rate… I really think it would. A Graeyniss companion is what I miss. 

Wat betreft some other writings of mine: often use passive voice to not expose people. Since what is on here, is “engraved into the internet”.

I’m already full ๐Ÿ™ . But then I’ll get hungry so soon… Ah meow x_x.

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to put this into the fridge and go to bed.

Good night

I love you


21:30 (09:30 PM) 

Aah meow ๐Ÿ™ . I totally forgot that I have to twist my hair… From sleeping on this, it will get irreversibly tangled:

Meow ๐Ÿ™ . I feel like wearing a jacket and scarf inside, by the way. This country is far too cold. And artificial heat is not the same… That can’t be healthy…



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