01:52 (AM) 

I’m back in Amsterdamm

Tired catje 😴

My sister’s birthday was nice. I had some good non-microwave-level conversations 🙂 . But I’m still cuddleless 🙁 .

When people asked me where I’m going, when I left my own home, about an hour ago, I told them I’m going to party in Amsterdam on New Year’s. I had to say that. I mean my parents are going to party as well, on New Year’s, so being alone could have been in my own room as well, but that’s not the same. The amount of bad memories I have about my own bedroom are too insane for me to have that same perception when I enter 2019. If I do. I haven’t decided yet. I’m more prepared for one option than the other, because I’m tired of trying to get supporters. No year can be more fucked up than 2017 (maybe 2015), but for this year, again, there’s not really anything I could say that I’m proud of. The emotions I’ve dragged myself through, visible on this blog… I wish I would have shown you a great year. I’m tired of this cycle of bad luck. Also of the times of having hope for that Volta and it not happening, but still adapting my reasoning to that Good times are finally here. No more heartache. I can now call myself successful and my situation then becoming waaaay worse, instead of better… I’m just done. So done. I’m truly sorry that you’re reading this. You’re not supposed to know. I’m just addicted to telling you how I feel 🙁 . I wish I was feeling good. Then my words would make you feel good, and this would be like a feel-good book. I’ve been trying to cause that Volta, but unfortunately, it’s still not here, and I’m so very tired.

I’m going to finish my pre-bed meal [I can’t sleep on an empty stomach and I get very hungry veryy fast… I think it’s because of my reasoning]

Almost donee

And then make my bed and go to sleep. I could sleep already, but I can’t go to sleep without telling you

Good night

I wish I were sleeping next to you 🙁 

I love you ♥

– xxx –

12:25 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

That was the Lil Fangs Facebook page

That was one of my personal accounts. The other one, “Daniëlle Elia”, I can’t seem to be able to log into. But consider that one deleted as well. 

Deleting Instagram will be next. When I have conversations on Messenger, with unanswered messages, I answer them before I delete my account and leave my phone number, but I’m not sure if that person will be able to see that message. 

Why today is the perfect day for deletion? Because I’m “allergic” to New Year’s posts. Always have been. It literally makes me feel like vomiting.

I’m still bed petting 🙂 . But I’m hungry 🙁 . I want to stay in bed ah meoow. I’ll be playing on my Nintendo Switch all day, probably…

~~~

13:01 (01:01 PM) 

The relief 

Step 1 was going from business to personal 

Looking back and laughing for a good second

Haha I’ve been thereee

Ahahahahaha XDDDD

Me if I would get a Cuddle

Yahaay

Haha me too

Hungry bed pet wants a cuddle 🙁 . 

~~~

13:55 (01:55 PM) 

I want to show you a text I sent to a very dear friend of mine. 

I’m kind of all over the place

There were many more points I wanted to make

I must say that I love the form of isolation that comes with it. It’s peaceful. It doesn’t include a lot of citing other prople’s statements. The only fucked up part is that there’s no one who has chosen that same path of isolation with me. Comee be my Cuddle 🙂 .

But my data loss traumas make me rush things, to send them

It was not the exact same. It was veryyyyy similar. 

My hidden agenda for today, makes it unfortunately very uncertain, if I’m able to make this shift

I want to reach full consensus in this, but I’m chronically stubborn, so it’s unfortunately only possible when you slightly adapt your views to mine. For Cuddles 😀 .

I haven’t spoken to him in such a long time 🙁 . The last time was when I via Facebook Messenger – the first time using social media again, after months [I only reactivated it, because I needed help getting the fuck out of that institution] – when I was transferred from de gynaecologie afdeling van het IJsselland ziekenhuis naar de gesloten afdeling van Bavo Europoort (haha godverdomme)

I want to be Graeynissis 🙁 . I also want freedom. I’m also out of patience, so today will be a very decisive day. The most important part is that failure is not an option. With every attempt. Especially if I would “half survive”, I don’t want to live. So it’s either sleeping forever at once, or my Volta, if someone powerfully Graey looking at this page were to finally not give a fuck, too. Meow 🙂 .

~~~

14:13 (02:13 PM) 

Heey look at what I just received in the mail 🙂 .

The picture is even uglier than I expected. No joke. It’s worse than a mugshot. I want a new passport hahaha (sort of kidding… I won’t request a new one)

Where are we going? 😀 😻

Please let me push through my other hidden agenda 🙁 . I want cuddles and kisses 🙁 .

~~~

14:39 (02:39 PM) 

The bed pet is about to leave the bed and meow around for some food.

By the way, on exactly twelve, I’ll be uploading a post for you and sending some people I’ve spoken to recently, who are dear to me a message. I don’t do the sending everyone in my contacts list an automated message nonsense. My New Year’s messages are always hand-typed. Just like my blog posts, by the way! I don’t do speech-to-text.  

Funniest thing about my passport delivery is that even the envelope says “signature required”, and it was never asked for. 

~~~

16:26 (04:26 PM) 

I’m having fun 🙂 . 

Playing together with the family friends’ grandchildren

~~~

21:12 (09:12 PM) 

Daamn meoow I typed so much text, ready for another upload, and when I tried to enter HTML mode, for the emojis, I lost everything I typed 🙁 . 

To summarize it: today was fun with the three eldest grandchildren of the family friends I’m staying at. We played on my Nintendo Switch (which was how I started our conversation), and later, when the two guys were playing on it together, the girl Genesis and I made avatars for each other and watched a part of “Het regent gehaktballen deel 2” [I was laughing while watching it, but deep down, I thought Even children’s movies are about work life man wtf 🙁 ], and right before they had to go home, we quickly had fun throwing around some knalerwtjes in front of the house.  

The videos I made I can’t upload, because of some server related issues. 

Some pictures:

She made this picture of me 🙂 ♥

She’s very talented 🙂

This is the avatar she made of me

And this is the avatar I made of her. I forgot to choose the background, I see now 🙁

I started to feel bad when they and their stepmother – who I know since I was little – invited me over to celebrate the count down of New Year’s with them and stick to my personal hidden agenda. 

In the end, you live for yourself. Only you have to see your perception 24/7, feel your emotions and body 24/7, reason the way you do, live through the decisions you (have to) make, et cetera. 

I do feel bad for leaving young children with questions and leaving behind my Cuddles and Graeynissis, with only my strategy and not my physical existence, but anything is better than another year of being powerless in this dumb world. I’m watching New Year’s reflections at De Wereld Draait Door. I will not miss not living anymore, seriously. I won’t give a fuck. All I need to do, is somehow stop thinking about those who love, and accept that they’ll never join my revolution. 
I need the acknowledgement of anyone, to be able to set in motion my revolution. My revolution is planned in such a way that it takes days, instead of years. I’m going to stop talking about it, because I’m far too passionate about it, and no one gives a fuck. 

It’s time to get drunk by myself 🙂 .

~~~

23:31 (11:31 PM) 

I’m still watching TV. The word of 2018, according to mister Huibrechts, is “spermahond”. That means sperm dog. It’s to search for the sperm on a crime scene, apparently. I want to die 🙂 . What perve got that idea? Who’s torturing those dogs with training? This country can just go to shit and I shouldn’t give a fuck. 

~~~

23:48 (11:48 PM) 

The problem about wanting to commit suicide, is that the location I’m at isn’t that convenient. The staircase at my parents’ house is better. But if I can succeed in the closed vicinity of a mental institution, I can succeed in it anywhere. Don’t think of afterwards, just think of now 🙂 . 

I saved myself some palpitations by changing the channel 🙂 

Doubts… I want to escape my perception for good

I wanted to get drunk, but I don’t want to empty someone else’s stash of alcohol… That champagne from that borrel got me tipsy after a few sips, though. 

~~~

15:22 (03:22 PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

Today we celebrate my sister’s 17th birthday ♥. I’ve chosen her name. I was sick at home and my parents were somewhere else. A reality TV show about a hospital was on, where they showed the birth of a child. She was named Kayleigh. I found that such a pretty name, that I called my mother to tell her that I wanted to propose a name for my sister to be. And now we’ll party until sunrise, to celebrate Kayleigh, together with all of our parents’ friends (haha what).

The time goes by so fast… It feels like yesterday that we turned the top floor into our spy office and made up our own games. Now you’re almost in your graduation year and you have your first official boyfriend… Next year you’ll also have to pay for your health insurance monthly and suddenly notice how much of a snake our father is for letting us pay the €100 per month ourselves. 

Just like back in the day, I hope to earn enough to provide for the both of us and get the fuck out of this house. I love her so much that she doesn’t know how much she’s able to influence my heart rate. 

Here she was about 2 and I was about 7. We then still lived in Rotterdam, Prins Alexander (the neighborhood haha)

That’s the old motorcycle of our neighbor who, today, is still our neighbor

We always held photoshoots with our grandmother 🙂

I love you ♥

We’re such bed pets… Our mother yelled to upstairs that we need to do the dishes, before her and my father left to go wherever. I just got dressed and put on my wig, Kay is still bed petting… 

I need to take care of the mess in my room as well x_x. 

Meoww, my Cuddle. I know it’s a lot of me to ask for your companionship today and forever, but, please…? *looks at you with Cuddle eyes* I need you 🙁 . I can’t do this on my own 🙁 .

The sky I see from my bedroom window has been looking like this for weeks if not months straight, which indicates that we need to get the fuck out of here 🙂

If it weren’t for leerplicht and controversial beliefs in my talents, I would take my sister and her friends with me right away, when I go abroad…

~~~

17:15 (05:15 PM) 

My first meal of the day:

Yeheesss I’m hungraaaayy. These are the vegetables I cooked yesterday. I cooked a similar dish a few days ago, in Amsterdam, where I’ll be going again tonight, if I stay cuddleless 🙁

Meow 🙁

~~~

17:53 (05:53 PM) 

Making tables ready

I want to be alone maahn daaaamn. If I stay cuddleless today again as well, I will not regret ending my life the slightest bit. 

Haha I’ve put snacks and drinks on the tables and stuff… Now there are no more occupations I can avoid small talk with. Same place, same anecdotes, same feeling of superiority over me, which will be expressed every word of our superficial conversation, solely because of age (“life experience”) and finances, et cetera. 

~~~

18:17 (06:17 PM) 

Another fear I have is the fear for an intervention, because I act so differently from the way I used to act. I used to be all jolly and social on occasions like this, even though, underneath, I felt the same as I do now. The problem is that I become worse at faking my emotions. I just need a place I can be all by myself in. What’s the soonest way? Haha yess tomorrooww… 

I’m seriously smoking a cigarette by myself. I don’t even smoke anymore usually. I haven’t smoked weed for quite some time now, too, by the way. 

It’s still non-busy enough for me to retrieve now

It would be better if I weren’t here, truthfully. I’m here out of solidarity for my sister. I’m not “gezellig”. Help me 🙁 . I need a mediccc. 

~~~

19:28 (07:28 PM) 

Wil je eten?

Mid-eating

Haha I wish I were cool enough to start a project X with Graeynissis. Things are not looking well for this meow… 

~~~

20:42 (08:42 PM) 

If I would get €15 for every time someone tells me that living the life of your dreams is impossible and that sometimes you just have to settle for a small house and a shitty job, I would be able to move out of my parents’ house by now for sure. 

Haha I feel so un-cuddle for depending on that job at the ANWB, but having this controversial website and having sent that controversial e-mail to the director who is so cute ahh 🙁 . I’m afraid that my chances for being able to provide for myself are absolutely zero. And I do not want to keep depending on my parents and their network. 

~~~

21:18 (09:18 PM) 

I’m getting worse at hiding emotions, but I’m still doing pretty well, I think. 

Do I look happy? 

Exactly.

The real me and my façade are so very different. Yet still I will be accompanying my parents’ friends from Amsterdam in the car when they go home and celebrate New Year’s all by myself, since they too are going away on New Year’s. 

I’m sorry for writing this on my sister’s birthday 🙁 . But at least something should resemble who I truly am. The truth about me, you can find here. 

They say another person’s perspective is a more trustable source, but that argument doesn’t take into consideration jealousy and the intentions of the person. I hope you just believe me as a the only source of myself. 

Haha if I were to receive €15 for all of my suicide attempts, I would not be able to move out, but still, it would be a few months of health insurance. I’m tired of trying. I just want success. In something. Ah meow 🙁 . I will be deleting all of my social media – my Lil Fangs accounts as well – except my websites, when I’m in Amsterdam. 

~~~

03:33 (AM)

♥♥♥

The proposal page and the 2019’s reform article are done. The Fangs’s Fundraisers page is made, but I’ll finish that tomorrow. 

Kayleigh made this tastiness ♥

I’m going to get ready for bed. I hope you’ll be tuning in to the making of the fundraisers’ page as well, today’s afternoon 🙂 . I also reallyyyy hope you’ll donate! [Especially to the funding of a better life for me… I want to be able to be all by myself and/or with Graeynissis on New Year’s… Really… Being stuck in this life from the start of 2019 as well would be too painful… I would be a crazy sad petje if I’d still fully be without public supporters, on January 1st 🙁 . Cuddle? 🙁 ]

I’m off to bed

I love you ♥

Sweet dreams

– xxx –

13:23 (01:23 PM) 

Good meow 😸 ♥

How’s your day?

Mine is quite petty this far. I just finished more of my sister’s jambalaya for breakfast, and a glass of orange juice. I feel like going back to bed… But this fundraisers page could be my freedom, finally.

I just received an email from the embassy in Berlin, about that they just received my (veryy ugly picture) passport I requested when I was there, and that it will be shipped out soon. If I’m truly honest, I would rather receive a US passport in which I have a legally changed name and a better picture. Along with a new phone number and a house I can stay in until my island is finished. And I’m taking this handful of Dutch Graeynissis with me, after I have bought them out. Given them an offer they can’t refuse and have them by my side for the rest of my life… If President Trump were to like me [I hope he does 😸 ], that could be taken care of at once, since he is authorized to, and we could then talk about how we could match up our economic systems 🙂 . I don’t believe in competition between countries. It’s not good for our hearts, so let’s start strategizing about working together 😀 .

This INFP who used to be an ENFP is going back upstairs for a nap until 02:15 PM and then get ready [the parents of my sister’s boyfriend are coming to visit today, I believe, and I always worry about making a good first impression haha…] and work on my fundraisers. It’s plural, because for everything, there will be a seperate budget and I’ll share all of the details about my spendings and savings with you. I assure you that your money will be well spent, for a cause that will make you feel like more than a hero, for the rest of your life! ♥

I’ll be back *Arnold Schwarzenegger voice* xxx

~~~

16:30 (04:30 PM)  

This is a hint of what’s coming: 

The text might still be changed. [I won’t be changing the theme of my website, until I have a better budget for it.]

Meoww you’ll get acces to the forum, because you’re an insider when your donation is exceptional. That is not a tegenprestatie, because it’s just something you have the right to. It’s part of the life of a Fangyist, who is a D.O.C.I.S. International insider. 

There are a lot of unspoken D.O.C.I.S. International insiders, who receive The Head Cuddle. I hope they’ll come out of hiding and donate to this Cuddle 😸. Meoww I so can’t wait to get the fuuuck out of proletaria yoo. 

~~~

17:32 (05:32 PM) 

Forget what I said about worries about a first impression. In the future, it will be the other way around. My expectation was something different. I suck at small talk big time, so I’m here in “the annex”, awkwardly. The desk in my room is too small too work behind, the airplane-like sound from those computers on the top floor is far too disturbing and the dinner table is now saved for small talk. I have work to dooo. Please help Lil Fangs buy a house with an office and work undisturbed(ly?), my Cuddle 🙁 . Haha help Lil Fangs perfect her English, by helping her move to the United States. Help me buy these Graeynissis [and let them twerk for me all day 😻 [HAHA slightly kidding 😸… You will be exchanging part of your routine for dance rehearsals, though, my Graeyniss… If you’re becoming part of my Lil Fangs for President campaign 😸]]. I don’t want to leave the country for good, without them… Those 4 names mentioned in previous posts, are only a few of the many Graeynissis in this country 🙂 . Aahhh my eaaarsss… These palpitations…

~~~

20:09 (08:09 PM) 

In case you’re wondering where your donation page is: I’m still working on it. I’ve reconfigured my PayPal settings and the donation settings for this website. Now I’m making donation forms. They include a description of for what your donation will be used, which should be clear and not too long. 

Check it out 😸:

Yayayy

~~~

21:11 (09:11 PM) 

Excuse my other *low key steam coming out of ears* obligations;

It’s past nine, not ten

Payment methods are PayPal, bank transfer and giving me a check 🙂 . I haven’t set any donation goals, because if I were to state them, we would all get palpitations haha. I wonder how far I can get with this. I know most Dutch proletarians are a very “hard to get” audience, in terms of demands, so I consider my chances with them as hopeless, since I need a higher budget to satisfy them. I’m hoping for the support of people with a higher class income. 

I, by the way, edited the proposal page. 

Meanwhile, I’m done cooking. The plastic bag pre-cut vegetables were overdue, so they have not been included. 

Veggie improv

I’ll continue to work on the fundraisers page, until my father has baked the steak we’ll eat with this.
~~~

00:43 (AM) 

Ohh something important that just came to mind, I still need to mention: My parallel coup [in the sense that I don’t believe in the democratic system and thus I don’t intend to waste my time with trying to acconplish my endeavor via that route… I want it to be a violence free route] technocracy parliament is built up diffrently from regular parliaments. The Praesens, me, has a say in everything and is on top of everything. My Graeynissis report to me and I report to the public. And my local Cuddles report to my Graeynissis (and me). [I use present tense, because this is informative.]

The Strategicus, My B (= Visje = Benoît), is the head of our public strategy. Our greatest challenge is making the public understand what’s going on and how we’re solving it, plus how the public should anticipate to join us (if they want to). [This is currently all just an idea, still. I haven’t spoken to him about this in real life, but I know he already knows about it, because of The Head Cuddle. Call me a schizophrenic for this, but you can’t prove it, because we haven’t seen each other since like February 2017. We were planning to meet again in April 2017, but then I wasn’t allowed to, by my parents, and the thing with the psychiatry started. The report in yesterday’s post says that it started in March 2017, but that is fucking bullshit. I’m telling you, it’s all insurance fraud, because I never wanted to undergo any therapy. I solely kept talking to them, because I wanted them to delete my file.] 

For My Vicje [the “-je” makes it funny, because in Dutch, words ending with “je” mean “little” [just like “-chen” in German¿], but he’s so tall that I need to tilt my head slightly upwards, when I speak to him [love it haha]] I was thinking of him being the head of where our international policy is unique in common/civil(?) law, in the field of business, since our parliament is a business. There are a lot of things we need to internationally negotiate about and new laws that need to be stated. Especially with the island and the controversy among responsibility among the risk among the Dutch waterworks. And also because some people I want as members of our parliament are not Dutch. Plus – your background in insurance makes it perfect – we need a completely different insurance system. (But the head of health related things is someone else… Maybe doctor Cuddle? 😀 ) How should we call your function? 

Lorenzo and Sander [I don’t have nicknames for you yet… Sometimes I base them on things I remember someone say. But with me remembering Lorenzo using Mickey Mouse as an example, and me remembering Sander speaking (lecturing) faster than Busta Rhymes raps [there’s no better definition for talent… Lecturing in English, while you’re young and Dutch! On the eye contact thing: I would do the same with such a tough crowd… Sorry about being a meeloper, by the way 🙁 ♥. I only said that thing to you, because I wanted to not hear students talk shit anymore. We still spoke after the day I mentioned that, I remember. [How did you know where I was exactly after I finished my midterm…? I walked out of that classroom, alone, and you were standing behind the door and asked me how my test went. You walked towards the exit with me… (Omg why did I not attempt to let it lead to chilling for far longer… I always put so much Must… Act… Intellectual… pressure on myself around Graeynissis I find attractive, I tend to hide…) You must receive The Head Cuddle 😀  ] and him saying that some guy “should have been sacked” when some example of fraud was given. Oh, I’ve spoken Lorenzo once, too. It was fully unnecessary, in the sense that it wasn’t about the exam (for which I was so unprepared I was scared to ask questions). I just wanted to talk to him, so I thought of walking up to him during the break of one of his lectures I was in, and ask if it’s possible to have a holding with only one stockholder. I knew it’s not forbidden… But I didn’t know family businesses fell within that same category 🙂 . I wanted to ask if the De Medici family falls within that category – I know the name, and some other things about them vaguely. But it felt too random, since I picked that family as an example, because he’s from Italy, I was afraid to be wrong and I was also in need of air, because he’s so handsome… He would get the hottest lecturer from IBEB award from me for sure hahaha. I hope I didn’t come off as a money hungry person. I want to somehow be on top of my holding – it’s not somehow since I have a strategy for it and I mailed you and my B about it – (if it were public), because I for someone who solely lives off investing, cashing out at the right moment is more important than the endeavor. I don’t want that mentality in my empire.] I just don’t have a good nickname for you yet…], I would make the heads of internal (Lorenzo) and external (Sander) finance. “Fisci” (“Fiscussen”), thus, since privatized shit will be reversed in such a way that we can restore nature’s balance, in the context of resources and ecology. But for ecology, the head of that position will be someone else, again. 

I have not spoken any Graeynis about my plans yet. Not via e-mail, not in person, et cetera. Not even via The Head Cuddle, since the brain damage and muscle stiffness I got from those fucking antipsychotics (infertility, too, godverdomme), makes it harder for me to decipher the movement of my skull. I can’t reach them, because of Graeyniss reasons 🙁 . What’s our way around them…?  

After I finished reading yesterday’s post, my Nintendo was empty, so while t was getting charged to go on, I started to write. I’m going to play one round and then go to sleep… 02:00 AM will be my bed time. I hope yours is at a healthy time! 

Good night again xxx

~~~

12:35 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

I pray your Christmas is merry. 

I just finished my yesterday’s left overs for breakfast and expanded the 00:43 AM text. 

Why does this lay open? (Rethorical question…) Are you trying to tell me something, mother? It’s even better… It should be “Met Trump in het zweethok” and I can’t wait… To get there and end the waste of time bullshit gossip scheme within international media. Let’s all stop talking and start doing things. 

 Other reforms I would like to propose are:

• I will be Sinterklaas from now on. The story will be: “Zwarte piet wanted a new leader for very long, but they were suppressed and unheard. Lil Fangs succeeded Sinterklaas and freed all zwarte pieten. They now do not have to slave anymore… Dress up how you want to ♥. (And don’t let anyone influence you in your choice of clothing! Your own choice is the most beautiful!♥♥)”. And I will really be giving children with shitty parents gifts, once I become a millionaire. We’ll be singing, dancing and playing non-computerized games all day. No more school!!! (Not in the way is exists now.) Voting rights for children!!!
• Instead of giving people money for welfare, I think it’s better to give them the resources they should be purchasing from that welfare and maybe a little pocket money, but this to make sure that it doesn’t end up in the illegal financial circuit and/or is spent incorrectly [for example to make sure that someone doesn’t spend it on a new pair of Jordans, instead of keeping aside enough for daily diapers]. 

There are many more, but I want to keep my unique strategy to myself, because people can steal it and I want to be the one writing history. 

I’ll be taking my plate to the kicthen and binge eating fruit. I’m drinking gold tea 🙂

My favorite flavors [haha I usually write flavour… A residu from being taught British English 🙂 ] of tea are: gold, jasmine, orange, rooibos, strawberry, earl grey, ginger and chamomile. 

~~~

13:25 (01:25 PM) 

We’re going out for dinner today, at Van der Valk in the region of Utrecht. (Utrecht, because at first it was looking like I was going to stay in Amsterdam and Utrecht is sort of in between Rotterdam/Capelle and Amsterdam, so it would have been practical, I’ve been told.)

Oh, by the way, when I was reading back my post from yesterday, I saw my BSN (personal identification number) is on that letter. They say you should keep it a secret. I want a new BSN anyway, since I’ve been treated in a way that is against the law by those who have access to it, and now my records do not resemble who I am. Also, HR needed my BSN again… Well, now you have it? 

If someone does crazy shit with my BSN, I’ll know who not to allow into my independent system 🙂 . This is bait 🙂 .

A Christmas tradition, isn’t it? (I’m joking) 

That fietsatlas belongs in a museum, hehe. Haha meoow I’m the perfect temp, please give me somethinggg. (Before elaborate and free online dictionaries, that dictionary was my Bible, when I was a younger…)

~~~

14:04 (02:04 PM) 

What to do…? I’m quite tired, which is why the proposal on my business website is unfinished and I haven’t made the 2019’s reform article on LilFangs.com yet. Articles like that cost far more brainpower than just writing down whatever comes to mind. The reform thing should be finished before I insert the donation thingy on this website. You’ll support me, right? 🙁 I will never ask anyone who has ever called me a schizophrenic and/or “een wereldverbeteraar” who will never succeed, for support. 99% of the people I “know”… They can suck it 🙂 . I want to show that I can make it and am better off without them. 

I want to be a bed petje… I’m going upstairs and undress for bed.

~~~

14:44 (02:44 PM) 

I’m petting 🙂

Cuddle me? 🙁

The most strategic part of my writing today, is that chances are high today’s web traffic is more than usual [It’s an off day (almost) world wide and besides the sentiment of togetherness and stuff around the holidays, it’s often still just gazing at screens [Netflix and/or “cable” television, as always] and shallow conversations. I’m here for you, person with a brain. I love you and I’ll entertain you with my written words all day long.] and even after the holidays, people might want to read back and see what I was doing on Christmas. [To summarize answer to that. To me, it’s: “Same shit, different day.”] And today I’m writing down parts of my aspirations as a politician – which I’m not yet – so that means that chances are higher that more people will read about it, because today is a popular holiday 🙂 . 

~~~

15:13 (03:13 PM) 

How I would brand Lil Fangs for President? 

I have so many ideas for it, I don’t know where to start writing about it 😀 . 

I want to show you a good balance between my plans for serious global change and intellectual entertainment. For the sake of entertainment and symbolism, the way I would stylize myself is in a “Cleopatra, meets 16th century western queen, meets free slave, meets the future and supernatural traits” kind of way. Lil Fangs’s way of clothing is very “dramatic”. [For example, the sleep (I don’t know how to say that in English, but the part of my cape that drags over the ground) of the cape I wear over my dress should be huge, as well as my collar.] My Graeynissis will be perfectly adapted to it. 

For everything I want to tackle, there will be a satiric sketch, starring Lil Fangs. [Even the masses could understand it, then. And finally entertainment will be entertaining for me and you, too.] I would like to release them as advertisement videos. Both online and analog. I don’t want to give away spoilers of the videos… I want to surprise you 😀

~~~

15:38 (03:38 PM)  

HAHA I just saw that this post’s title was called “Deember 25”. I type without autocorrect and without my glasses, I can’t see those kind of details in the text. Haha sorry… It’s all throughout my posts as well. For the amount of text I write, I assume it’s easily forgiven. 

I just have been called from the other room to leave my bed. I’m going to take a shower and get ready xxx 

~~~

15:56 (03:56 PM) 

Saw this right after leaving the shower. 

Beetje jammer…

I’m still in the “right after leaving the shower” momentum

~~~

16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Meet Christmas Fangs:

Had to close the door of my kast to make my room seem a little less messy… Haha I’m always sweaty shout out to my aortic insufficiency

I wanted to make an indirect booty pic, but my basketball figure izznomore (feel like a body builder who quit) plus room is messaayy… Haha there’s my first “spaarvarken” I got from the ABN Amro when I was a very little little Fangs. It’s that Efteling guy… Not the papier hier guy but the other one [haha I’ve been to the Efteling twice in my entire life… Once when I was a baby [I’ve heard] and once when I was 16, for the school’s jubilee. As a kid, I always wanted to go, though…]… The type of savings account I have there doesn’t even exist anymore today haha

The purse I carried with me for two proms in a row will be my companion tonight. I don’t have earrings 🙁 . Okay I have a few Primark ones, but I’m so past that now… 

Ah meow… 

Haha I want to tell you something about my political philosophy, but it’s a long story and it won’t be long until I can’t stop hiding in my room anymore. I prefer writing without stopping and uploading the text right after I’m done – to prevent data loss – so I’ll wait until we’re in the car. 

On the stats: ben best wel pissig ivm alle moeite die ik doe… My conversion rate is echt om te janken. Wat voor fucking betrokkenheid? Mensen staren alleen maar… 🙁 

Mobiele data is echt fucking duur trouwens… Waarom? Is het zo duur…

Haha forever in contact maaahn

~~~

17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Yess so on my political philosophy: some aspects of it stem from the pressing issues of our time. The most pressing one for me personally and for many other Nederlanders, is the environmental danger that comes with living in a country that is a country, solely because of the existence of the waterworks. 

If they wouldn’t be there, the city I live in would be ocean.  The issues the media portrays as the most serious of our time, are a complete distraction from the danger we live in. [It’s very fucked up that people die from bombings and other stuff with a very vague motive, but explaining the details and then naming how many people died is not solving the problem. It’s also not healthy for those who are mourning (that the cause is the media itself, but they’re lying about it) and not for me either, because it gives me palpitations and makes me want to attack media people for keeping up the same nonsense cycle. The whole business behind that industry should not exist. Just now, there was a news flash about it on the car radio. That something happened in the ministry of foreign affairs in Greece. Why is that a reason for a Dutch news flash? Especially the: “We don’t know who caused the bombing, but it’s probably the Islamic State.” What the fuck? It’s probably you, motherfucker [the news reporter… This is a literary form of exclamatio I use… It’s not literally the reporter. It’s everyone involved in the media/war industry]. You’re the one earning from it. If there weren’t people dying for vague reasons, you wouldn’t have a job. On my life, I swear that when I seize power, it will not be possible anymore to earn from such inhumane things. Fucking demons… Bombs are also soooo fucking bad for the environment so why THE FUCK are people making them? ]

I’ve been alive for 22 years (don’t ask me how) and to this day, no one has ever proposed a solution to the serious problem that is the fundament of this country I live in (The Netherlands (= “Dutch”)). So now that I have a solution in mind, I don’t want to hear anyone claim that they have the right to be involved in that solution. You’ve had 22 years to come up with a better alternative, and in my solution, unfortunately, there’s no room for the entire world population. 

Because when the imbalance in nature, makes the ocean claim a piece of land on which more than 10 million people live [because www.overstroomik.nl en www.rijksoverheid.nl indicate that not all of the country will flood. The government knows, eh, and clearly they don’t give a fuck. I’m trying to save people here, as soon as possible], the government’s education has taught us “All go inside and close your doors and windows”, while there should be an evacuation plan beforehand. But this land is already far overpopulated and that evacuation plan shouldn’t mean overpopulating other overpopulated areas of the world. So that’s why my strategy is the way it is, attempting to give everyone an equal shot at the future, but you’ll have to put effort in it and if you want to hate on my strategy, you can fuck off and save yourself. 

Ayyee

I’ll be socializing Christmassily. To be continued xxxx

~~~

19:05 (07:05 PM) 

Am I amused? HAHA

Yung Fangz is doing thiss ayy

So my table conversation starter was: “Wat gaan jullie kiezen?” And now I’m out of things to say. Haha I was in Germany, unwelcome in my own home, and now I’m here. Such turbulence, much headache. 

I wonder if my sister would like to be my assistant. But I’m hesitant with asking, for now, since it’s not definitive, that I’ll be doing this. Suicide is also still a fucking option, if I can’t get people to work along. You’ve seen the medical report. Know I’m not fucking joking. I’m not going to do any proletarian slave shit. Unless it’s working for my Vicje, because he’s sooo Cuddle omggg ♥♥♥

~~~

20:56 (08:56 PM) 

Excuse my fit of suicidal thoughts… I’m just lonely because I don’t fit in with the masses, and the masses don’t seem to like me 🙁 . But my real life appearance indicates something else. I act “happy” or at least “contempt” all of the time, because I don’t want to end up in a psychiatric ward again. I’m crazy traumatized. Even after my suicide attempt, they just kept focusing on the situation with my B, while it was none of their business. 

I’m online, because I’m excorting my grandmother with dementia to the bathroom. I’m waiting for her here. 

That’s her pretty pursee

Here are some pictures I took earlier:

Goooseee

Aardperensoep

Toilet picca. It has been a very long while since I did a touch up. As in I usually don’t take my make-up with me.

The CuddleFace… When I think of you…

Tournedos

Rare 😻

For my Android users: I have a self-coded conversation starter app. Uploaded it somewhere in the beginning of 2017. I was working on a version for Apple, too, but the virtual Mac I was using was so slow that it was frustrating to work on it, and then I got involved in the psychiatric industry and I never finished it 🙁

Desserttt

~~~

23:19 (11:19 PM) 

Petty is backk  

My eyes are red because of sleep deprivation and concealer that gets into my eyes when I blink

Where were we…? I market my content on mainstream social media, because it’s cheap and my budget is not high at all, while for my real target audience, I need a crazy high marketing budget. For what I want to do, I should be advertising in The Economist and Het Financieele Dagblad and stuff. 

That it’s Christmas, doesn’t change the contents of my mind. We can all act as if our issues are not there, solely because it’s the end of December, but in that way it will never be solved. 

In my environment, it’s very normal to say that improving the world is impossible and that perfection doesn’t exist. If you believe that, then it is indeed impossible. But that I believe the exact opposite, doesn’t mean that I have fucking schizophrenia? What the fuck? I assume that those who don’t believe in it then also won’t mind staying subjected to this system, instead of to mine. 

When I started to write about my evacuation strategy, my plans for societal reform and the recruitment, I feared being compared to Adolph Hitler, because that will make the masses hate me. But I shouldn’t give a fuck about what people think of me – especially because actually they depend on me – and I can’t even deny that there are some similarities in our philosophies. 

I, too, find that is time for serious international change, the ratio between the amount of living space and the size of the population is far too low – but yes, some people whose whole life’s purpose is sitting in front of the TV [and then saying that change is impossible haha whattt], will disagree – and I find that those who are more loving, more intelligent and more ambitious, should have a higher chance of surviving “nature’s revenge”.

The version of me before my parents “calling the psychiatrists on me” would have never called it “nature’s revenge”. Then I really believed that I could save everyone and everyone would be on my side. But when I went missing [in an attempt to commit suicide, about which no one knew], dumb proletarians considered my career “over” and there where they usually said “Yes, you must be right. (Keep in touch with me so that I can lift along on your success.)”, they now use their TV knowledge to debunk every slight bit of hope I have and often say: “Oh, stop that, Dominique. You have tried it and you didn’t succeed.” (But I still haven’t even started yet…) Tell me why the fuck I should save that person? That’s a fucking waste of time, energy and (cognitive) resources.

The world seems peaceful here, because everyone here can go to work every day, without shit happening. We’re all so used to our routine, that it seems as if we can go on like this forever. But the amount of resources on this planet are not infinite. The fact that the threat of the Netherlands flooding exist – in the past (decades ago), it has happend several times already – means that nature is trying to correct for its imbalance. This is a piece of land that shouldn’t exist, and from it, there’s an insane amount of pollution being put into the air every day. That can not go on forever, right? What the politicians are doing here, is named afschuiving. Passing on the problem to the next generation. And all my generation knows is Netflix and social media trends…

By the way, it sounds as if my ideas for clothing design are expensive, but actually they aren’t. It would be expensive if I would hire an entire team to come up with the design and work it out, et cetera. I want to do everything myself, for as far that that’s possible. 

By the way, I’ve been considering deleting all of my social media again… Please tell me I don’t need social media marketing to be successful. I want to not see that disgusting fake culture of mindless sheepy trends anymore… 🙁

Do you know what is also an unnecessary form of damaging the environment? Lighting fireworks throughout the whole country on the same day. People are already starting with their fireworks shit here, in proletaria (pun). It’s illegal right now, but some sheep find that exciting. The sound of it, so close to where I sleep, gives me palpitations. And the feeling of wanting to fang that person… 

There’s a whole policy for it, people barely stick to. And then the next day, on the news, they give the stats on how many people’s hands were blown off and shit… That kind of shit won’t exist on Planet Fang for sure.

I miss my Graeynissis 🙁 ♥

I’m going to rid my bowels of the first Christmas dinner, get a snack and make myself some tea xxx

This piece of text was finished and uploaded on 00:44 (12:44 AM) December 26. 

~~~

00:10 (AM) 
From the way I don’t show my emotions on my face, I know I’m perfect for politics. The way I express myself in real life and here are so different. This is not real life. This is LilFangs.com on the internet. 

“Yahaaay”. Haha het is maar voor de vorm. Idk why I made this picture

Haha I feel a bit un-cuddle for being on my phone all of the time here. I don’t know what to talk about in real life. All I can think about, currently 

But hey this Graeyniss situation is very serious. I want to have an occupation that forces me to be with my Graeynissis 24/7. I’m done with small talk. Let’s talk about some Graey niss? Yess I’ll explain to you what it is in person, that will be a lot clearer. I would like a hug and a Cishe (on the face cheek) in exchange 🙂 . 

~~~

00:42 (AM) 

By that last sentence I meant that I just want some friendly exchange of love. Don’t worry about how to approach me. Just do it and tell me exactly everything you think and feel. I have an extreme love deficit that decreases when someone shows me his/her real self. You know, what’s underneath the façade. Some people don’t have a façade. 

~~~

01:37 (AM) 

I just sinned and bought a glass of Hennessy… I want to stick to one, but three is one of my lucky numbers… Seven is the other… But I don’t want to start doing crazy shit and let my underlying emotions surface… They’re actually bed pet emotions… 

My battery is on 3% so I might be “expressionless” for a while. I feel naked without being able to write yo… That is something very negative, I guess. I’d rather… 

~~~

03:03 (AM) 

We have leftt. It became three… And it was shared. One was double. It was fun 🙂 . I wish I could hype to today’s popular songs the way other girls do. Haha I’m preparing myself for this dance-off. The story I have in mind says he wins :p. And then the next challenge follows… 

~~~

04:34 (AM) 

I just finished my late night Maccie and am going to sleep. When I wake up, I’d like to touch on my love feelings (“old” and new), my aspirations in (non-)politics, the new book, the situation with my family and probably other things as well. 

Good night, my Cuddle 

I love you ♥

– xxx –

12:19 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂 

How’s your pre-Christmas eve hype? I wish I was there getting hyped with you. I’m still bed petting [imagine us bed petting together 😻😻😻], while the sound of my stomach indicates that I should sprint to the kitchen.  

There are some ideas I want to share with you and things I want to make clear. Since my idea of accomplishing my endeavor via politics is quite new – in the sense that when I was in school, I loved the subject Maatschappijleer (not the racist sentiment of the teacher), but I always said that I won’t make it, because I don’t have the network for it and stuff [but now I’ll try to do it via money] – there are still a lot of things I need to scour the internet for, things on which I still need to choose a side – but I always often “fluctuate” – and Graeynissis I need to claim. 

To fund my party, I need hella stacks [of money], a notaris and (another…) KvK registration. And party members, of course hahahaha. But what I said yesterday about kopzorgen (who to take into consideration), made me think the following: maybe it’s better for me to do a subtle staatsgreep (coup) [chaos free for sure, because I ain’t got time for that lol], and then make the public choose whether they live under the amazing system that is here already, or the new and very alternative regime of Den Fang Partij. Ooh fleh, Partij is een vrouwelijk woord, dus via het officiële systeem der ouden Neerlandsche naamvallen, is het gewoon De Fang Partij. Maar dat klinkt zo saai… Der Fang Partij klinkt eigenlijk het coolst. Dan is het gewoon Der Fang omdat Fang in NederCuddle met Der begint… Muhahahaaa… 

Maar dat referendum dat dan volgt van die staatsgreep – gepleegd door intellectuelen die meer dan alleen politiek hebben bestudeerd (want gestudeerd vind ik tijdverspilling, omdat het vak politiek als het ware alleen maar de olie van de motor is [en het is nu echt droge kut olie]) – leidt tot een vreedzame optie waarbij we in ieder geval meer voorbereid zijn op eventuele nieuwe extreme natuursomstandigheden. Niet iedereen zal dit lezen, waarschijnlijk, en ik wil in mijn officiële partijprogramma heel transparant zijn, dus hoe minder, hoe makkelijker. Natuurlijk wil ik zo veel mogelijk mensen helpen, maar houd er rekening mee dat Nederland al zwaar overbevolkt is en dat ik op Planet Fang niet veel appartementencomplexen wil neerzetten. Those of my class who I save, will live a much more sophisticated life. I’m not only targeting my class. Not even only “my country”. 

With Der Fang Partij, I want to make it to the European Union. I even want to make it to the US. And Russia… Basically every country anywhere. Not to overthrow anything – not in the US and Russia for sure(!) – but to just give some love and brainpower for the international change we all need. 

I think my book should not be free, since I can’t even afford a home for myself (and the authoritarian guard dog of a posessive house owner, whose house I’m registered in, because I was born in that family, does not always allow me to access my own room… Grrrrr…. To Surinamese people that cold hearted treatment is so logical. I wonder if that’s the same for other countries as… well… 

Hey… Ha-haaa… I just mentioned Suriname and a coup in the same post. That reminds me… Please [unless you want to keep the Christmas spirit HAHAHA] Google “Suriname Decembermoorden” (that’s “December murders”). It will lead you to a story about the time around which Suriname – former Dutch colony – became independent. That person who was accused of those murders, is today’s president of Suriname. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know how people can think: “Oh yeah. Good guy. Must vote for him.” The often used justification is that by those murders, he made a change [oh my god the fucking stupidity] in the country, and they want more change, so he should be in power, just giving random people fucking crazy amounts of money. 

I will need serious protection after this, because they will get me killed without even hesitating – vooral omdat ik een kanker hekel heb aan “tori praten” [talking about the most shallow shit ever… It’s basically a script of oneliners, of which one topic can very quickly last for hours] – but in the context of very fruitful, barely cultivated land [it’s probably used as storage space for drugs or something], it’s so perfect for Planet Fang 😻. I would make my grandfather so proud… 

I would clean the ocean, strip that tiny layer of cultivated shit off it, because it’s the most unhealthy and disgusting shit ever, and we could live off the abundance of nature with so much ease… 

Okay that was random. Especially because that country is sooo thinly populated, but still sooo large. And they’re only helping it to shit, while it could flourish and thrive WITH ALMOST NO EFFORT MAN, SERIOUSLY. Fucking dumb people… The work ethic there is mostly less than nothing. But the money ethic is a completely different story. I’m against weapons, but I doubt if negotiating with Suriname will be possible. 

On my love feelings: I mentioned that I’m very easily attracted to grey haired men in suits. It’s actually any type of men who aspires to “live the suit life”. And any type of women who aspires the same thing. 

But these two literal Graeynissis… In my fantasy, we’re now basically a married threesome… Ah meoow they’re so
Cuddle 😻. We would look soooo sexy in politics meoow. Especially if we do it the coup way. (I need to think of Vicje every time I say “the (…) way”. Haha not funny shared inside joke. I want a Cuddle 🙁 . As in a hug. Ohh on the no children: I meant no extra ones from me. I know you have three… Haha my fantasyyy.)

So if Suriname wants change, I can make that change. The Netherlands want change, too. I’m on it. I hope by change you don’t literally mean getting more money for the same fictive value you put into this world. Those who say that they want change, often have no clue what they exactly want. How I know? Because I always ask and then get shit argumentation – TV citations – as a response. I know what I want. (And there are multiple long ways to getting there.)

I want better branding for Lil Fangs for President. I want to do photoshoots for it, make a promotion miniseries, and an EP that comes with it. Guest authors for the book – my Graeynissis – would be sooo fuuuucking amazing, too. I’ll make the donation thingy as soon as I get home. I want to direct it myself. I don’t want it to look like today’s mainstream shit.

Oh another thing about love feelings I already wanted to mention on here yesterday, but then thought that it’s not the right thing to do now that I was third wheeling… I’ve never mentioned this before. He doesn’t even know it himself. The first time I saw Elgin – he has been Jamiro’s friend via school and living location (basically neighbors) – I fell in love with him instantly. It was when Jamiro took him along, the first timw we went to Italy, together with our families.

I’m not a flirty type of person in real life. (But when I had a boyfriend, I did develop that ability a little bit.) I also detest the routinous relationships people build up these days. By means of protecting my heart, I stay away from that love culture.

But did you know that Jamiro was my first crush? (Haha no because literally no one knows this, because it feels weird, now that everyone calls us family.) I “developed attraction” on such a young age. I remember that I used to be so crazy horny all of the time, as a kid. The “I can’t sleep without masturbation” thingy has been a thing, since I was 6, if not younger.

It’s funny that once I have feelings for someone, they ne-ver fade. I also miss sex with my ex. But the way he doesn’t believe in me and calls me dumb, makes me prefer to never see him again. Bitch. I still want my notebook back,though, but I don’t want to undergo another conversation that causes palpitations and heartache.

When it comes to being in a loving relationship, I find verbal courtship sooooooooooo important. And showing love in e-ve-ry single action. People like that are almost extinct. I was glad to hear that Elgin is an exception, when his girlfriend told me that he has still kept that neon bracelet from one of the first parties they went to. Before they were dating? [And then “I told him that I had already trashed mine haha, but it was really nice.” A small statement like that – the trashing – would give me heartache and palpitations. Because it could have been left out. Now it sounds unloving.]

I’m such a hopeless polyamorist. Basically polygaam. I don’t mind getting married at this age. What else is there left to do in life anyway, now that I basically want to say fuck school – I would fully change the education system to something less sheepy and more practical – and fuck slaving behind a desk. [Unless my sexy meow has a job for me. Am I allowes to fall in love with you? Because I already did. Oops *blushes* Hehehehehehe 😀 ]

It’s 13:55… I’m going to brush my teeth and eat something. Brushing my teeth now, means that that little residu of tooth paste that doesn’t go out after spitting, will be considered food, by my body, and that shit makes me sick, too. My mucus is fucking yellow by the way. Fucking much, too. Ah meow, but since I’ve heard of “het zorgplafond” even for cancer patients, I’m so fucking done with this. Why was Den Uyl’s measure good? I just think his branding was good. I’m pro state businesses, because than the endeavor is more important than the money. Planet Fang (D.O.C.I.S. International) will own everything. There will be no more room for money hungry animals.
~~~

14:27 (02:27 PM)

I can’t wait until we’re regularly drinking tea together ♥. You’re my baby now… Just like D.O.C.I.S. International is my baby 🙂 . And just like Elia PR was :'( . It was unsubscribed December 31, 2017 :'(. Ah, g’dammit, I still need to file that tax report thing… But I barely kept my books, because I was only doing business expenses from my personal account…

My family is in Brussels now, because they had tickets to my cousin’s performance there. Had I told you she was in Mariah Carey’s choir in the Ziggo Dome recently? No I didn’t. I found out afterwards myself, when my mother visited me in Amsterdam last Saturday. 

Do you understand why I’m truthfully not excited about going home at all? I hope you do. If you don’t that’s fine, but don’t force your shitty populist argumentation on me, because you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

It’s hilarious how yesterday, we spoke about me going home, and we concluded that the best thing was to then – even though I wouldn’t give a fuck if we would split up for good – talk things through before I move back in. I just want to be certain that I don’t get kicked out over FUCKING BULLSHIT, because it FUCKING DISTRACTS ME FROM MY WORK. EVERY FUCKING TIME. AARGHHH I NEED MY OWN HOUSE. But I want to live far far far far far away from the beasty masses, and that is expensive. And then they proposed to be the mediator, instead of that psychiatrist and his assistant who refused to show me the notes she made about me, which will be put into my fucking record. [It’s all fucking bullshit for sure, otherwise she would have fucking shown her my notes. I have audio taped this. Of this, I do luckily still have a copy on my phone. But the rest was on my hard drive, which was stolen 🙁 .] 

So then the most logical thing would be to have the mediator situation thing on the first encounter, which is today. But then it was all like noo Christmas should just be gezellig (“fun”), so let’s just do that after the holidays. I think I want to die, man. Fuck Christmas. Wat een tyfusfeest, zeg. I’m not the god damn house owner, so for them it’s comfortable, and for me it’s an absolute hell, and of course they do not give a fuck. Domme kut apen. 

Hey, I’m going home for Christmas, so don’t tell me I’m not doing Christmas spirit shit. Dumb populist motherfuckers.

So they’re coming back from Brussels later today. I hope I can be there before they come home. Then I have some space and place to myself, in “my own space”, where I’ve lived since I was 8… Haha I don’t even want to be there, man. Benoît, Victor, alsjeblieeeeeeeeftttttt……… This – what they’re doing to me – should be fucking illegal. Godnondeju.  

I’m going to take a shower and pack.

~~~

16:48 (04:48 PM) 

I’m waiting for the train. I’m only carrying a selection of my valuables with me, since I’m going back to Amsterdam. Most of my very precious notebooks are there, in my suitcase, which is also still there.*

Wanna see what I got from my parents for last year’s Christmas? Here it is:

This is one of many

They did not stick to it

Beetje jammer

The funniest thing ever is that it says “risperidon” as if that was all. It was also quetiapine, haldol, abilify, fluanxol and the list goes on. It says “voluntary”, but I wasn’t allowed to leave, no matter how often I begged. Hey, tyfus arts, your name is now visible on my website. Please sue me for it. I’ll fucking win the case. Even though I said “fucking” and “tyfus”, amongst other things.  I was unfairly stuck in that system from April 2017 until I ran away to the US, and now they’re continuing their fucking bullshit via family therapy sessions, on my name. It’s insurance fraud. It’s emotional fraud. I want to make sure that they won’t vote for me. 

* I hope my shit will be untouched and intact when I come back. Surinamese people say they can do whatever they want to do with the shit on their property, when it’s on their property. That’s why my father believes that he can touch me how and whenever he wants. Wat een lul zeg. 

Ah when I went to that basketball event, I looked for my earplugs everywhere, but couldn’t find them. When I came back, they were on the table. What the fuck? One earpiece doesn’t work anymore? They’re the original HTC earplugs that came with my phone – with Active Noise Cancellation. It’s almost mission impossible to get new ones, in this country 🙁 . 

Meanwhile, it’s 17:01 and I’m in the train now. Haha godver, I got in too early again. There was no time sign, but my train actually comes at 17:07. I’ll travel via Utrecht Centraal then. Sorry but reading that shit again MAKES ME SO FUCKING TRIGGERED FAM I SWEAAAARRR. BUT THEN I HOLD IT IN. THE PRESSURE IS SO INTENSE THAT IT MAKES MY EYES MOVE WEIRDLY. 

Voel me net een pakezel, but I prefer to travel alone, or with a Graeyniss.

Know that I still smoked weed when I was in the hospital, but I lied to them about it, otherwise I would have still been there today HAHA. The doctor’s report says that my plans of improving the world are also psychotic complaints. Ga fucking zwembandjes kopen joh tyfushoer. Lotte something, D. Schippers, S. Dieleman and some other “medical experts” (fucking kwakzalvers) were involved in it as well. They considered me dumb and vague, because they couldn’t understand that I was there on a voluntary basis, only because I want them to FUCKING DELETE MY FILE. HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE??? I. WANT. FUCKING. JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THE LEGAL WAY, OF COURSE. NO ONE HAS TO DIE. ME NEITHER, RIGHT? I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE. 

BENOÎT, THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU IN THAT MEDICAL REPORT THERE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS? I KEPT MENTIONING YOU, BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO INVITE YOU OVER. HE WAS MY FUCKING CLIENT. AND BRAIN-TO-BRAIN COMMUNICATION EXISTS, FUCKING DUMB BITCHES. 

~~~

17:26 (05:26 PM) 

I’m waiting for my train to Rotterdam now. 

And now I’m in it. 

This is why those doctors should lose their right to be a doctor [with an aortic insufficiency they should not have forced me to take antipsychotics]:

AND IF IT TURNS OUT I HAVE CANCER… OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!! I wish doctor Cuddle [I’ve never called him that in person haha… Mister name on the left who is now also fully mentioned on my website ♥] lived closer to me. I call him that, because I find him a very sweet man. I’ve actually really given him a hug, at the end of my last two visits to him.

As a politician, I can tell you my very unique thoughts, which are sometimes ferocious. Such as that I don’t like 99% of the people in my social life. As long as I can back up my statements, there’s nothing wrong with this. No one can argue better than I do, truthfully. I can literally give you 100 arguments as to why my father is een kanker aap. 

I mentioned that I don’t want them [those psychiatrists and 99% of my relatives and other people in my “social network”] to die. I find it a waste of energy and it’s against the law. In the context of overpopulation, these people are all fucking useless. I would not miss them. But of course, others would. They have the right to exist. Who would miss who? I miss Benoît, Victor, Lorenzo and Sander. And people I haven’t even met yet. My Cuddles 🙁 ♥ .

~~~

18:10 (06:10 PM) 

I thought I would never see this city again. I’m almost home. I’m about to check out. 

Now leaving the metro station, 18:12. 

I just finished 180 Days of Fangs. 

I swear the air tastes like car fumes. 

~~~

18:35 (06:37 PM) 

“Honey, I’m home.” They’re not back yet. I want to show you something:

How I act

How I feel

A mashup HAHAHA

I don’t want to be hereee. Where are my Graeynissis right now?  🙁 Haha I wish you would save me, by absorbing me into your life. That would make me so happy. I’m now a sad pet 🙁 . Sad and angry haha 😀 .

180 Days of Fangs is now really finished, by the way. I still added some text here and there. It could have been far more detailed, but the more I write about it, the more I want to die, really.

My heart hurts so much, and I feel so unsafe around proletarians, I don’t know what to do, think or write at the moment.

I’m scared of going to my room… The flash backs :'( . May I please marry this single Graeyniss? 🙁 Or live with him, at least.
~~~

20:45 (08:45 PM)

Haha remember when I went to Ikea to search for a suitable mattress? That’s basically where I was, in my life in this city HAHA. And now I want to enter politics… I want rich people to vote for me 😀 . I’ll be doing the exact opposite usual people of politics do, to end up in the same spot they are, to do things completely differently :D. The first thing I’ll attack is the financial system, to something that is in balance with nature’s capacities.

My mother asked me to go with her to the night shop, which is why I was silent in between my last update and now. All supermarkets are closed right now.

Over hoe minder, hoe beter. Het is eigenlijk: hoe minder, hoe efficiënter. Wat is belangrijker, de hoeveelheid mensen die je helpt [dus hun werk voor hen doen], of zorgen dat de imbalans in de natuur ons niet vermoordt en daarbij de kwaliteit van het leven nog steeds proberen te verbeteren? Precies, de keuze is snel gemaakt.

For the first day of Christmas, I have a red dress (of which you see a sleeve on one of the pictures) and for the second day, I have a black one, because that’s my second nicest dress – I also wore to that borrel [“drink” as a translation of this, doesn’t suffice, I think. Borrels are most often business related, drinks not necessarily] in the Summer – and I actually fucking hate Christmas. I miss my grandfather and since last year’s Christmas, I’ve just been so double traumatized….

I’m going to take a nap xxx

~~~

21:11 (09:11 PM) 

I’m tired, but I can’t find the calm to fall asleep. Besides the u-shape my spinal column makes from this shit quality matress on the €100 bed I sleep on, it also feels as if the Earth is shaking very subtly, in an underlying water waves kind of way. That’s probably the case, since the neighborhood I live in is one of the, when it comes to waterworks and nature, unsafest locations in all of the Netherlands. 

I also have only eaten some soup, two slices of bread, a mandarine and some blocks of semi-delicacy cheeses, so I’m quite hungry… 

A few times, it has crossed my mind that I should mail my Graeyniss again, to tell him that I am now considering to do do things via the political system instead of via independent business, since I mentioned in that mail that I’m not a political movement [as a response to something discussed in the past]. I’m actually still not a movement. I’m going to do things, instead of fucking just talk about it. Okay, now I’m still broke, so I have no other option besides talking about my plans, since I can’t put them into practice yet. Haha meoow I have nicknames for him and stuff, in my mind, but in real life, I’ve only exchanged words with him twice at a borrel and low key creeped on him when I was working for him and he was on the same floor.

Oh, yes, the donation thingy… I’m too mentally tired for it and, even worse, too worried about not receiving any support, just like I had with my books. I want to bed pet and kill zombies on my Nintendo Switch…

Why I took those pictures of medical report’s summaries? Because I want to make sure that I have a back-up. I took them with me, to Germany, because they’re part of “my valuables”, in the sense that I might need them once, for another doctor or for my lawyer. But I left them in Amsterdam, along with most of my clothes and a few of the many valuable things, because I prefer to travel light and I’m going back there from New Year’s onwards. I’ll go back to Amsterdam on the 30th, after my sister’s party that day, to which the family friends are coming as well. Everyone’s going out and stuff. I want to be all alone for New Year’s. I do not want to be smiling with those who have shared that Facebook lie and then called me a schizophrenic afterwards.  
~~~

23:12 (11:12 PM) 

Dinner made by my parents was very delightful:

Rib-eye steak and mac and cheese 🙂 . Very good quality meat – beyond good – for Dutch standards.  

Here’s the present I got, when I was trapped in the ward, but I was allowed to go home for Christmas, with an 9 PM curfew on the 26th:

Meow haha

Then, I wasn’t wearing this underneath. The praesens was for the elections of the D.O.C.I.S. International parliament, which didn’t get any attention – because you need to read my books to be able to understand – so there never were elections lol. And now it’s president :D. Or prime minister, actually… But I also want to be First Lady and Putin’s sidekick… Et cetera…

Meoww I’ll be killing zombies on my Nintendo and probably pass out at some point. 

Good night ♥

And like *insert* something you say on Christmas eve / night. I don’t know, because I’m not a Christian/capitalist. Haha but I would wear Christmas lingerie, because fuck Christmas HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂.

I love you haha ♥

– xxx –

01:11 (AM) 

What’s good, my meow ♥

I’m loving the look of the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International website. Too bad I probably won’t be able to finish it before going to sleep. My mother will be here tomorrow at one o’clock, so I need to be ready before that time. 

How I feel about it? It’s better if I just casually change the topic of this, because oh my god all of the shit that is happening to me and has been done to me should have been fucking illegal. I don’t live in my own home, eh. 

My options if I don’t hear from my Graeyniss? Absolutely zero. My patience with this proletarian shit? Getting close to numbers below zero. My health? Well, I’m still breathing. Only when I lay down I notice how much I’m in pain. Other than that, it might not seem as if I’m dying – everyone who doesn’t believe that I’m sick can also start purchasing cold-proof swimwear – but know that it is not fucking healthy for me to walk around for months with white blood cells in my urine and an infection that antibiotics don’t change a thing about. But if society stays like this, I’d rather let it kill me. Fuck all of this shit. 

Oh and yess my business website says 6 publications, but there are only 3 on this website. “Christmas special” haha godverdomme: while I was editing my websites [you can now also download D.O.C.I.S. directly from this website], I have re-sent the books I unpublished when I started to apply for jobs [because I mentioned my personal situation in them, with that schizophrenia diagnosis I do not agree with, about which I didn’t tell my employer, when I applied (but I’ve told him about it, when I was fully open and honest in that very long email)] for republication. I assume that it can just be published again, since it was published before – I’m talking about the distribution platform – maar het is altijd even spannend. If all goes well, you’ll be able to see all 6 of them very soon. Look:

The left date is the publication date. They have all been published before. Good luck swimming, if you don’t believe me. I’m showing you the rest of my tabs consciously. That’s Fangyist. 

Buy it, when it’s there? Ah, what’s the point. I’m not going to keep waiting and begging for it… What the fuck. Doei. 

I love you, my Graeyniss ♥

Please Cuddle me 🙁

– xxx –

03:47 (AM) 

Haha my e-mail was sent at 03:45 (AM). It has 5169 words and is 8 pages, if you would copy-paste the text to a word document, excluding the PDF attachment file (my curriculum vitae). They [info websites on how to approach high ranked people] always say that it’s important to keep it short. But I like to stand out in the way I express myself. Plus, I really had to make clear why I approached him for this and not the recruitment staff. Also, I think I made it a very fun read 🙂 . 

Haha but I totally forgot about off days during the holidays. I scared up from that automated “I’ll be back in January” message… My case is so urgent in a very uncommon way, proletarians will say “No,” without even trying to understand what is going on here [that is not what I mentioned in the email haha]. He’s my only hope… [That’s also not what I mentioned in the e-mail.] It’s not only the money for doctor’s visits and a home, it’s also because I’ll engage in holiday activities, while thinking: But I hate Christmas, no matter what… I’m far too depressed to celebrate and you should want to be jolly and want to be together – instead of fucking kicking me out man wtf – and whatever other sentimental reason there is for that festivity, every day. It’s the same shit with Valentine’s day. Why only one day for flowers, sex and saying loving things? It should be like that every day. Or it’s better to say: “You should feel like that every day.” I want to work during the holidays, because that pays so much better. 

Haha I love my e-mail. I hope he does, too. (HAHA INSIDE JOKE. Haha omgg my hearttt I wonder what his response will be… And if I’ll get one…) I hope he’ll feel the exception in this – and I know proletarians will say that I shouldn’t feel special enough to be able to become friends with the director [if you’re in between the behind the scenes top of a business and the proletarian floor, you’re “the” director, to me…], since “I am no one” in terms of sheepy business visuals and in terms of the proletarian ladder, too, in which he is in the ultimate position – as well. 

It’s a not that heavily business related mail*. I hope, ondanks dat automatische bericht, it will still end up on his iPad [haha it’s funny to imagine how he would sit somewhere using an iPad in his free time… I have no idea what the director life looks like…] and that he’ll answer my question even before his holiday ends…. Hopen mag altijd :D. 

Yaay

I’m going to sleep 

Good night ♥

– xxx –

15:00 (03:00 PM)

Sup ♥

I’m getting tired of struggling. I already went to sleep late asf, then I still had trouble falling asleep and when I finally fell asleep, I was woken up by a nightmare. It’s a nightmare when the lucidity makes me feel stress and/or pain consciously. 

I dreamt that I was at some “city sports” event [a marathon or something… Something that is a reason to close off the city center with fences and stuff everywhere.] and for some reason I carried three bags with me. Then someone managed to steal them by putting them all in one big sports bag. I asked someone (I was with?): “Waar is hij? Heb je hem gezien?”

That person answered: “Ja, hij is gewoon daar,” and pointed towards slightly further ahead in the crowd, in which we were suddenly all walking forward in.

I started to increase my walking speed, getting ready to sprint. When I had my eyes fixed on him, while he was semi-casually walking a few rows of people ahead of me, I pointed to him and said: “JIJ. GAAT DOOD,” and started to increase my pace. So did he. I didn’t run at full speed yet, because I wanted him to be caught off guard by it. 

At some point, I dashed towards him. Right before I was able to grab him, I woke up. It has been quite a while since I had a nightmare. Evidence that all of the thc from Germany is out of my system now.  I don’t intend to go back to smoking so habitually, ever again. 

Haha this day feels so strange. I thought that my days of bed petting were over and I would be able to earn some, so that I could get my health fixed. But I’m still petty… 

* In the sense that I’m basically only asking for a personal perspective and not for some intense conpany correspondence. I also – unlike many of those wild clients – didn’t say anything in the context of being mad. I’m not mad. But I am worried about if I’ll succeed in saving myself. Most people can’t help me in this. And yes, it feels extremely like “I actually can’t do this,” to ask him for help. But meow 🙁 . I can always try. Haha it’s all so personal, though… I have 0 idea of what to expect. Please be careful with my heart 🙁 . 

By means of being productive – and less smelly ehehee – I’m going to wash my fro and wig. 

Here’s a picture of me at the event from Wednesday :'( :

Did I earn €500 for someone…?

Mag ik het hebben? (The prize money.) Mag ik betere evenementen organiseren? Als we niet brainstormen, gaan we dansen… I said it first… Of karaoke doen ofzo… 

~~~

18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Hmm… What should I do now…? Make a beat, or change my business website again? 

My cousin sent me some music production software. I usually use Reason, but with the lite version – haha meoow that type of software is so expensive – I can’t really make beats that sound as multi-layered as I want them to sound, because the amount of instruments I can add is limited. But now not anymore, with the full version of Ableton 🙂 . 

I haven’t experienced my first time in the studio yet, still, though. [But here’s what I made with Reason Lite and my phone’s microphone, when I was in Surinam: Listen to I. Intro; Free Will by _LilFangs #np on #SoundCloud

https://soundcloud.com/xlilfangs/i-intro-free-will]  I didn’t really clearly indicate it and it turned out that his class started an hour earlier, so we only chilled for like 45 minutes. It was nice to see him. To not miss out on the hangout, I didn’t go back to the house after picking up the package – a bag and a wallet – I let be shipped to the nearby bookstore – het afhaalpunt Bruna. I walked around with a big box and the fruit I bought, and then unpacked it when I arrived at his school. The bag is definitely not as cool as my previous one, but at least I have a bag now haha… 

I want to do both… I also want to move my muscles some, because being inside all day drives me crazyyyy. (But so does the cold…) 

By the way, I hadn’t shown you this yet:

I wonder if my Graeyniss told him to do this haha 😀

That person who last minute told me that I can’t work, said that I should try again when I have my passport, in January. But what if I’m dead by then…? I don’t want to stay inside doing nothing for so long… I’m also not going to apply for a job elsewhere, because this is the most challenging type of customer service… I can only do customer service, because proletarians can’t see my talent and only look if you have working experience and a diploma 🙁 . (And I detest the concept and work of customer service… I prefer to take care of everything myself, online, when I need assistance with some product. Those people on the phone are the worst.) But I don’t want to put so much effort in doing something I actually don’t want to do at all… I just want a new MRI, man, haha god dammittttt…. 

So at first, I thought of making the new website a very extensive description of my projects and stuff. But what’s the fucking point, if everyone ignores what I put out? I’m going to keep it very simple. 

HAHA by the way, I find this the ultimate “Christmas” song they should play in supermarkets and shit: https://open.spotify.com/track/56wkp0dkpjimGfX17Ofihm?si=iZE8FeOdTpKXx6az8x1QGg

I love the alliterations and other elements I recognize from translating Latin poetry! (The funny thing is that it’s not a joke!) 😂 ♥  

~~~

19:28 (07:28 PM) 

My hair loss is by the way intense. When I was younger, my hair was three times as full and long. Meoow why am I losing my cat hairss ah 🙁 . 

I am by the way very disappointed with the turnout for participants in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’m going to close the entire process and solely hand-pick people by random encounters, because this is absurd. I have literally one person who had signed up – but only by completing half the process – and (to summarize it) the answer to the question: “Why would you qualify for the position of Illuminatus Intelligens?” is “Maybe I don’t *wink emoji*”… But then you actually really don’t qualify? 🙁 I am not taken seriously at all. This is a hopeless situation 🙁 . 

So, even though it was my intention to make it an equal and very easily accessible process, I’ll fully divert my focus from the recruitment. I’m also not going to continue to write that book series. For real, this time. The fuck are you letting me struggle me with my palpitations for. OOOOHH OF COURSE! Let me update my curriculum vitae first 🙂 . The fuuuuck noo it’s not my life goal TO WRITE MYSELF TO DEATH MAAHN omgg stupid un-cuddles 🙁 . That writing won’t take my entire life span, if I’d try to finish it. I could complete the series in a year if my time WOULDN’T BE WASTED BY BEING KICKED OUT and other shit 🙁 . And if I were to have enough savings to solely write. But why the fuuck would I put so much effort in sharing my passion with the public, if I’ve had only one sale and one recruitment application. 

My sole focus will be assembling Graeynissis for my Thesis. Capital “T”, because it will be legendary as fuck. Bitches. 

Ahh meoow if I could get them all into one house… We could start our start-up from there. It would be so much fun ♥ . Ah meoww I also want us to sleep in the same bed meoww. All together. These tall Graeynissis in one warm Cuddle… Omg it sounds like a dream 😻 .

~~~

So to summarize what I just said with different words: there will be no “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”. That was my sole populist attempt to get some appreciation from proletarians. But if this is the turn-out, I really don’t even want it, honestly. So fuck it 😀 . 

00:43 (12:43 PM) 

Meow 😻 ♥

Haha change of plans

They’re quite filling 🙂

Pascale bought me two six-packs of them ♥ . I prefer to not have to leave my bed, when I’m tired and hungry at the same time. 

I don’t know what I should do now that I have something exciting and new obligations, while my body pains are increasing further. It’s now not only my back anymore. It’s my full torso :'( . I totally forgot that the increasing pain got to its peak within 72 hours, the last time I was hospitalized. Now, the pain makes me shake. Shake in the sense that I keep trying to adjust my posture to a position in which my body hurts less, but simultaneously, I think of how laying foetus position is not good for my Wirbelsäule 🙁 . And then I try to straighten my posture and the pain increases again. 

I do nottt want to go to a Dutch hospital for this. The last time was so traumatizing :'( . 

Without a diagnosis, they put me on the drip, first with something called NHCL or something… Some random fluid that I actually didn’t want in my body 🙁 . Then they put antibiotics on the drip, but it some point it made my hand swell up, SO AFTER FUCKING BEGGING AND PLEADING AND SENDING MAILS AND SHIT they took that fucking needle out of MY HAND. I PLAY THE PIANO :'( . I was given soooo many painkillers. The first painkiller they gave me, I needed to take with a stomach protection pill. I then asked for a pill that could not fuck up my stomach. I had taken tramadol twice before [in a combination with weed… With my wild(ly talented) ex boyfriend Andrew]. The painkillers didn’t do anything against the increasing pain. When they transferred me to the psychiatric ward and they later called me to say that the cause of that pain was chlamydia [what the actual fuuuck I feel it in my kidneys sooo…], they gave me two large antibiotics pills – which first weren’t allowed in the ward, so I HAD TO FUCKING PLEAD AGAIN – and I stepped away from hospital food and cooked for myself in the ward. I was then, still, barely able to walk, but I shoved myself to the supermarket regularly. [AND THEN THEY CALLED ME A SCHIZOPHRENIC THERE, TOO. THE NERVE!! THEY CAN’T EVEN FUCKING COOK X_X.] I showered sitting in a chair. Even the water hurt my back. It was a stressful period – especially with wild patients those doctors called like-minded people for me – but it was nice to be away from my parents fucking ranting about me after work every fucking single day.

I think the cold increases the pain… I’m hot and cold all of the time. I’m laying in bed with warm leggings, a t-shirt AND a fucking thick sweater [the red one I bought in Germany]. Underneath the sheets… Yet still sometimes I feel cold… 🙁  

If you’d touch my kidney area right now, I would accidentally fang you, because it hurts soo much. Just like my stomach. It’s getting hard to bed pet 🙁 . I don’t want to die alone in my sleep. Please cuddle me to sleep 🙁 . I love you so much, just being with you – and thus having to worry less about my success in the future – would take away so much pain 🙁 . 

Last time, in the hospital, I asked for my B. I didn’t want to see those whose words inflict pain on me. 

Oh, how I got the job, by the way: after my Graeyniss left, I spoke to the person who was standing next to him, about that I have a lot of time free and “I’m looking for an occupation” [it’s actually “I need money”]. He introduced me to his colleague, who I have to call tomorrow to arrange how we’ll take care of things HR-wise. I hope I can take care of it via the internet…

When I was standing there, it still seemed feasible, health wise, to work for a month and then use that to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany. Oh, I mean Thomas 😻 . But now, if I were to truly listen to my body, I can’t even chill with my cousin [Jermaine 🙂 ♥ ] tomorrow 🙁 . I don’t want to miss out on my first time in a studio :'( .

What to do…? 🙁 I’m really not going back to that regular hospital. I want to die of old age or from suicide and not from shit medication. I want to know what I have 🙁 . But they’re going to not want to go the extra mile for me with the type of insurance I have, like they’ve done so often already 🙁 . Since there is a lot of medical examination that needs to be done [a full body one and not a less than half body one], I need to find a really good doctor and pleaseee a really good sick bed. The sick beds I’ve laid in were cold and hard, with a pillow that made my neck hurt :'( .

Has anyone seen my B? I want a cuddle… Ah, he’s a free B from Friday onwards, I believe…? Cuddle? 🙁

I’m going to eat these cookies and attempt to rest.

Love me? 🙁

♥

~~~

11:08 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I’m glad that I feel better than last night.

About the new function, I haven’t really been saying much, but I think that – if that’s all I can do with the amount of diplomas and certificates I have – it might be the function with the noble cause I wanted. When I applied for my previous function, too, I wanted to be the helping hand who guarantees you that everything will be all right and who you can share your feelings with.

The clientèle (customer base) of my previous function were people who were impatient and agressive and my role related to the final step of getting home safe. Often people had already lost their patience even before it was my turn to help them. I hope that with this one, I’ll more be able to console and comfort people, like I want to.

Yes, I type a lot in caps lock and stuff on here – because I have the right to vent, too 🙁 – but when it comes to real life professionality, it’s like all of those emotions of mine don’t exist. I’ve experienced a lot, so I’ll be able to relate to a lot of things my clients will be going through at the moment they need my assistance. Also, my knowledge on health related things is quite broad, so I’ll be the one of a kind employee I always am 🙂 .

I hope I’ll be able to reach my colleague and that whatever I’m going through myself won’t affect my further application process. Haha I reallyyy need the moneyy… I need a new MRI, I want to do something that makes me feel more useful – proletarians will respect me more when I have something I earn from – and I’m still on this D.O.C.I.S. International path, which includes emigrating, at some point… But it’s cool to be able to work there and to not have to make university assignments at the same time, so I’ll have a lot more real free time, compared to last time… Last time, it was 40 hours of work and officially 24 hours of school per week. But I did it with something like 7 hours of school per week, on average.

Haha noo this is not the logical way to tackle things, with my health in this state and all of the hopes and dreams I have for my own business, but financially, this is basically my only choice. Yes, “my father” earns so much that he could almost give me my salary as pocket money and give me back 40 hours of my life per week, plus not let me bleed to death financially, but he wants me to live a proletarian life.

The pain is there, making me able to walk less good than yesterday – then it was also fucked up – but it’s not making me shake the way I did last night, right now. The mucus formation I’m dealing with is worse than yesterday. I’m thinking of going fruit shopping at the Turkish supermarket, before I head over to my cousin. I’m excited 😀 . I’m going to try to reach my colleague again, maybe take a little nap before I head over to the mini mall from here to pick up the package I ordered and buy some fruit, and then later head over to my cousin’s school.

In the meantime, I’ll probably still come back here to talk to you 🙂 ♥

~~~

14:45 (02:45 PM) 

Heey what the un-meow 🙁 . This “colleague” called me, saying that HR really needs a copy of my passport, instead of a print-out from the government website – which was what we agreed on¿¿¿ – because it’s for such a short period. That’s such a weird argument to not let me work 🙁 . So I asked her that if I’m able to send her a copy of the two sides of my passport [on my phone, I only have a picture of the front, but they also need the back side, because that’s where my personal identification number can be found [just like on the website of the government, which was what we agreed on before… I seriously already put the shift they want to put me on in my agenda…] – since I had to do that, too, when I applied the first time – that I would then still be able to work. She said yes to that and emphasised the “if I succeed in doing that before Monday”. 

Ah meoow I was going quite steady with acting if everything is going all right, but this is a serious form of bad luck that can have very serious consequences. I didn’t apply for that job because I want to spend my hours in the coffee corner talking bullshit. It’s life or death, for me. I haven’t explained my personal situation to them, but if I did, they really have to hire me. I have health expenses to cover and with my sole proprietorship I don’t bild up retirement funds. Ik dacht dat foute toezeggingen alleen naar klanten toe gemaakt werden. What the fuck… I’m going to mail my Graeyniss 🙁 . [I’m happy with now having a work-related reason to e-mail him haha yaay 😻 ]

I’m eating an egg sandwich right now, while drinking some tea.

And now I brought my plate to the kicthen haha.

I’m going to go fruit shopping and pick up my package, after which I’ll head over to my cousin. Gotta run 😀 xxx

~~~

03:57 (AM) 

My Cuddle ♥

Haha I still intend to go back to sleep… I was hoping that spontaneous “going to bed before 12” [ended up eating some more and reading some of my own articles, after which I sent that fleh email to the embassy] was going to give me a proper sleeping rhythm… 

But all of that late night reasoning in my bed, the rest of the hours I wasn’t typing, has made me hungry… Again x_x. I’ve taken half a pill of paracetamol before going to sleep. I usually don’t take things like that, because I prefer truly natural medicine, but I want to be at that event without collapsing. I’m excited… If my Graeyniss is there, haha….. Ah meoow it’s double keeping me awake, because I’m thinking of conversation starters [what would be the absolute coolest is if I were to not have to start the conversation 😀 ] – the initiation is always the only part that seems nerve-wracking – while he might not even be there. Is it trippier now that he already knows about my blog and he knows that I have mentioned him before on here, because I asked permission to keep the post, so he might even read this ah haha meooow *hides*. 

Haha I’m going to get something to eat. 

I’ve been thinking of what to wear… If there are camera’s again, I don’t want to be dressed too informally… [Excuzi (is that a new word of Cuddle? I think so :D)… I’ll elaborate on this I typed that I was going to stand up, but I haven’t stood up yet and just continued typing… I love bed petting and because of my hunger, my body is a lot less strong, so it requires a lot of capacity to stand up…]

~~~

04:44 (AM) 

This is Graet 😀

Jamiro made this 🙂 [Haha see how I suddenly mentioned a name? I already mentioned his name when I translated that drunk video of mine. I’ve known him since I was a baby. I’m staying in the house of his parents. He’s staying on the top floor, now that his sister has moved out. I’m staying in his old room 😋 .] This is hands down one of the best pastas I’ve ever eaten. The taste is so subtle, it tastes like my own style of cooking. I love subtle flavours 🙂 . I texted him yesterday asking if I could eat it for lunch, because I saw it in the fridge. Because of the late showering, going grocery shopping, being late so already having to start cooking and then throwing a fit at the embassy and translating it, I completely missed out on lunch. He mentioned some things about using different ingredients and that the taste might not be optimal. I seriously absolutely love it! 😻

I intend to one day start to just mention names instead of saying Cuddle and fleh and Graeyniss all the time. But I need to make sure who I want to keep in my life. Talents are very important to me, in that context…

Tasting the food of someone for the first time is always a horrifying experience for me, because I want to love it and respond to it positively, but I have such advanced taste that this is rarely the case, and then I still always say that it’s good, but after that I can’t say much more, because I’m actually telling a white lie, and I don’t want that person to notice that I’m lying.

This was my first time trying food made by him, and most people of our age can’t cook for shit, but this is on such a level that I would not at all mind to say: “Please cook for me every day? 😻 ” [Not literally, haha. As in that I know that there are things he can do even better than cooking.] Ik weet het nu dus zeker: “jij mag sowieso blijven” 🙂 . [HAHA MAAR DAT KLINKT GEKK. Especially because he’s on the top floor right now – I hope I didn’t wake him up with my loud foot steps… the same goes for Eric and Pascale 🙂 ♥ – and I’m downstairs typing this without notifying him. But I’ll definitely give him a compliment for his awesome cooking 🙂 [This writing is a compliment, but I’m talking about complimenting in person]] “In my “schizophrenic” context of having to select people based on character, intelligence and skills, et cetera, because of this overpopulation meets nature’s “revenge”” thingy…

Here’s round 2 🙂

Since I’m still living out a suitcase, I don’t have that many clothing options. I have four dresses with me, but they’re all too cold.  I think I’ll blend in with some meows and wear my suit, but my suit jacket actually needs to be brought to the dry cleaners. I wore it when I went to the Suicide Club in Berlin. It smells like beer and cigarettes… Haha with this weather and the suitcase life my amount of alternatives is basically 0, though. 

I must mention that at the ANWB, employees are encouraged to dress informally, though. (And then its so cool to see what someone’s definition of informal is :). I wore a pink dress with white with green high socks and white sneakers to one of my first work days once, but if I would have known that I would meet the “floor” director that day, I would have dressed differently. 

I hope that that’s what I’m mentally preparing myself for right now. Haha I’m typing about it so much that I’m really blowing this whole event up. Not literally HAHAHAHAHA. I mean that basically all colleagues I know have said that they’re not attending. So if… 

Should I do it…? Mention his name, too? Haha yes, of course 😀 . I want to be friends meoow. I really enjoyed our conversation the last time and he has mentioned several times in e-mails [since we mailed a bit until I was like “May I interview you?” and then I made things seem so random because it’s so not clear what Lil Fangs does, but the interview was because I, back then, still wanted to take the populist route with my business and show an exemplary life to plebians… Now I still have a lot of questions for him, but I don’t feel that incentivized to share what I’ll learn anymore, because all proletarians do is criticize, and I want to avoid that for us as much as possible] that he wants to keep me as an employee. I hope I’m his prospect 😻 . 

For colloquial reasons – and because I was allowed to address this one meow informally – I’ll be on a first name basis with those who can stay, to me, from now on. 

Yess… So if Victor is not going… What the fuck am I going to do there? 😂 There are so many things I want to talk about with him! 😀 I hope he’s going, but I don’t want to seem like a thirsty person *drinks 6 gallons of water* [haha kidding…], so I’m not sending any “Hey are you going?” emails… [I’m forever mailing these Graeynissis… Right…? These sexy Cuddlemeows… (I’m just saying “pleasing to the eye”…) Benoît… Lorenzo… Sander is “my last option” over there at the EUR, trying to arrange a team of fellow [HAHA I say “fellow”] Graeys to get involved with the Nosce Te Ipsum thesis of mine, after which the other theses follow and we’ll rule over our own world with D.O.C.I.S. International… But I’m so afraid of not getting a response from him either ah meoww] I’ll just let myself be surprised. I can already see myself low key look around for a tall Graeyniss ahahahahahahahahaha. The funny thing is that I know so many of my former[…? I called myself unemployed the whole time… Why is there an event in December to talk about fucking insane *animal sound* [there are not even words for it, really… Those clients… Oh my god…] going on a holiday in the Summer? I must say I love anything brainstormy. Secretly I hope it’s organized because you miss me. Only me 🙂 . I’m looking for a real challenge I can earn from now that I don’t have a team of Graeynissis working with me on Project Nosce Te Ipsum. So if there’s work, I don’t want to wait until the Summer, since I have nothing to do and I’m so broke… I’m serious… My debit account is on minus and if I don’t continue my studies in January [sign up deadline is Jan 5, so I still have time to think and, more importantly, save up haha say whaaaat] I’ll fully be without an income… And the government will want its money back. Also, I still need to fucking get my Dutch tax agency login codes, so that I can show them they should fuck off with wanting to claim more than €5000 revenue tax from me, because I haven’t earned shitttttt] colleagues read my blog every now and then and, as I mentioned, he knows about this blog, too… I wonder if he’s one of the people who refreshes a diary post multiple times a day. I must say I love that about the concept of my blog. I wish I had someone I could stalk like that, too. There’s no Fangs for Fangs 🙁 . Or is there? I’m not on really social media or anything else trendy, so I wouldn’t even know… 

Haha ayy it’s exactly 6 AM right now and I need to be semi-sharp and feel better than I do now. I’m already getting hungry again, so it’s nice that I hadn’t entirely finished my plate yet, while I typed this entire essay haha.

Haha it feels so random to suddenly be mentioning names on here. It feels uplifting for some reason. It also means no mercy, so please be nice to me 🙂 .

Good night again, my Cuddle ♥

T is basically gewoon tot straks want mijn alarm gaat om 10:30 maahn ahahah ayy ik ga zo moe zijn… Het is twee uur reizen vanaf hier, dus om daar om 5 uur te zijn, moet ik om 3 uur weg. Haha ayy dit moet echt de moeite waard zijn…

I love you ♥

~~~

06:28 (AM) 

I just revised this text, put my plate in the dishwasher, got myself upstairs… There’s no way I’m going to get up at 10:30 AM, so I’m changing my alarm’s time to 1 PM. I just wanted to get up at 10:30 AM, because I want a healthy sleeping rhythm and a visibly healthy writing rhythm [AS FAR AS WRITING THIS MUCH CAN BE HEALTHY… IMAGINE WRITING SO MUCH YOURSELF]. 

Ah, meow… Now I need to scroll up and down this article again, because I’m going to upload this piece of added past 06:28 AM text, and for that I need to re-insert the HTML emoji code, by replacing the emoji with the code, so that I won’t get a database error and a message of the text not being uploaded. Because of that re-inserting, you keep seeing emojis in the article, while the article gets longer throughout the day. 

13:40 (01:40 PM) 

I snoozed my alarm for ten minutes twice,  when I woke up with a howling stomach as usual. Instead of running downstairs to eat, I went to the top floor to see if my suit pants are dry. They are 🙂 . Then, I went to the bathroom, because it feels the nastiest to eat without having brushed my teeth. I’m now sitting at the dinner table. I’ll show you slightly more scenery than usual, since when I came here:

Mid-eating amazing left overs 🙂

Haha I’ve been thinking of conversation starters, still… What I would love to do is go for a hug and say: “How have you been?” Hoping to hear all of the ins and outs of everything that happened from September onwards.  I was speaking too much last time, and I want to compensate for it. There are a lot of things I want to know 🙂 . Another thing I can also say is: “I mentioned you on my blog again. This time with your first name.” And then try to make it lead to a conversation about law – since he has a bachelor in Law ayy 🙂 – because there are a lot of law related things to find over here. 

I’ve edited my privacy statements myself, for example 🙂 . Lil Fangs.com’s one says “I”, and D.O.C.I.S. International’s one says “we”, because I intended to speak for the whole network, hoping that the organization would have expanded by now, but basically it’s still only me, so that one I could also change to “I”. I think I’m going to do that, when I change the website into my Thesis proposal portfolio thingy. I’m raking a huge legal risk by saying “I” instead of we, in the statement. Also, I need my medical record fixed and my parents have left me for dead financially so often. I could use some free legal advice 😀 . But then I’ll be talking about myself again…

Haha LilFangs.com is going more social. I’m loving my sudden impulse. I want a picture of us on heree ah meoww. Please be there 😀 . 

I’ll be wearing a purple woolen sweater that is laced up on the back and my black suit pants. Haven’t decided on shoes yet. Need to shower. With the typing, it’s now 14:17 haha have to hurry… Shit I need to do number two ah noo [my digestive system is tripping maahn]. Still need to fix those emoji codes before you’ll be able to see this text. 

~~~

15:16 (03:16 PM) 

Haha okayy at the last event I was wearing a black turtleneck dress, and this time I’m wearing something that will make me niet teveel opvallen, just like I intended last time haha:

Meoow… If I wouldn’t have felt sick as fuck, I might have worn something that says “I’m going to a borrel” more “haha”…

My Timberlands heels would have gone better with this, but since I’m running late, it’s better to wear running shoes hahahahaha. 

As I’m writing this, my train arrives. Haha I could have changed my shoes, because when I checked how late I should leave to be on time, Maps indicated I should have taken the metro of 15:11. I took the one of 15:16, but I forgot that I filled out my ETA as 16:50… 

Haha is it a lot less cold today, or is it just me? I’m melting haha… What would be the coolest is if I were to be able to fix a ride home, because of this fever, oh mann… x_x. Ahahaha or get one of the company’s rental cars. I don’t expect this haha. But as I usually say, wishing is not a crime 🙂 .

It’s now 15:30 and I’m in the train. I’m travelling second class, because my bank account is on minus – haha hey “I need some work” [in between brackets because there are bloggers who fucking fund their entire living with only blogging… Right? Not that I read any other blog than my own… My content is one of a kind… Yet still I haven’t earned more than SIX. DOLLARS. AND. TWENTY. CENTS. with this…] – and the journey is not even that long. 

~~~

15:46 (03:46 PM) 

As I’m in the train – fucking nervous by the way 🙁 – I’m making a new playlist. I’ve been listening to Tea Party for so long that it feels as if my life is stagnating haha. It is either way lol. 

Listen along, bitte 🙂 : https://open.spotify.com/user/_betawoman/playlist/0Us7qJ3jqnXQvgDYWrryZP?si=s4FUQqhjT0yxKRHOzylINw

I listened to “Raincheck” very often when I was trapped in the psychiatric ward… Trippy flashbacks… I don’t know why I never filmed how my life was there [because cameras were veryyy forbidden there, but I also smoked weed there while I wasn’t allowed to]… I love the song’s vibe, instrumental and lyrics ♥

Because the moment of “Will this Graeyniss be here or not” is coming closer and closer, I don’t really know what to type. As in I want to be excited, but I don’t know if this will be the case. And then it’s not even 100% certain if I’d get a chance to speak to him. Haha meoow my Cuddle, I’m travelling for two hours just to see you. I could also just end up only creeping from a distance. That was last time, before I jugged a glass of rosé and just walked up to him while he was talking to other people. It doesn’t take long before I overheard the topic of conversation and just eavesdropped. Not long afterwards, the people from around my age left. The topic of conversation was university life. I dropped some terms like “eeuwige student” to want to sound a bit Graey haha. Verder weet ik eigenlijk helemaal niet uit welke tijd die term afkomstig is enzo haha.

Oh, by the way, while I was getting ready, I received an e-mail that said that the bag and wallet I ordered yesterday at Bol.com – ik ben daar vaste klant – are delivered at the afhaalpunt. But I wouldn’t make it if I were to pick it up. Of course, it’s a borrel, so it wouldn’t be a crime to be late, but since I’m currently staying two hours away from there – from my parents’ place it’s one hour, lekker reizenn – it’s the most optimal to experience the whole event from beginning to end.

~~~

16:13 (04:13 PM) 

Haha in my focus on solely my phone and the time, I got out of the train when it stopped around 16:04, because it would arrive at the stop I need to be at around that time. But it was a stop too early. I had some time to pee in the meantime. Haha I share everything with you, because I don’t talk that often and yet still I have a lot to share, if you’re capable of understanding all of my contexts. My ETA is still 16:46 hahaa… Haha unusual Fangs showing up too early…. I’m hungry 😀 . I’ll have some time for a quick snack – ugh takeout – before my bus arrives, though. That will be in between 16:24 and 16:37. Let’s go out for dinner, my Graeyniss 😀 . 
~~~

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

Ugh it’s always a lot of artificially flavored things in snack shops. I’ve settled for this:

Yahaay

~~~

16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Ah meoow I’ve missed being here… Walking around in headquarters makes me feel like I’m on the right track. 

Haha palpitationssssssss

Mann my bladder is going insane. I need to go again x_x. 

Hehe I feel Cuddle, because the security guard who I recognized from the Summer season, said, when I arrived at the reception: “Jij bent zo belangrijk dat je twee keer op de lijst staat.”

Ah,  the pre-socializing starts… You know: “Hey, ben je hier ook voor de borrel?”

Toilet breakk I hope you’re not going to our borrel room without mee. I’ve left my jacket on that couchh alles kan me gestolen worden lol.  

~~~

17:18 (05:18 PM)

Haha after typing about the encounter so much, the amount of nerves made me creep.  I, later, saved up the courage, but I wasn’t even able to eavesdrop HAHAHAHAHA aahh why can I be soo awkwarddd. I did exchange a few words with him 🙂 . 

~~~

17:49 (05:49 PM) 

Why do Graeynissis always have busy schedules? 🙁 I want you all to myself ah meoww. 

Haha I start at my new function on Friday. All I need to do is send a copy of some official documents with my personal identification number on it haha. If I’d have had my passport here on the spot, I could have even started earlier. But PHV Fangs is a fact 🙂 . Now I have a reason to leave the house yaay. It’s two hours away from where I’m staying. Friday, my shift is 08:00 – 16:30….

Haha I don’t know what to think. Besides “haha but I’m the owner of D.O.C.I.S. International”… And I need a job ah meoow 🙁 . I’ll forever be stalking this Graeyniss until he’s my Graeyniss, unless he’s not my Graeyniss 🙁 .  

Other than that, I’m having a good time with last year’s familiar faces 🙂 .

~~~

19:50 (07:50 PM) 

I just entered the train. I’m feeling all right. I need to stop going beast mode on drinking occasions, though. 

Haha when this tall Graeyniss walked in, I started to become dizzy, thinking: “What should I say…?” Graeyniss energy always makes me say random shitt. I also slightly avoid eye contact, because speaking will become harder for me when I deeply look you in the eye, if I find you Cuddle… Especially if you blink so sexy ah meoow. 

I talked too much about myself again x_x. I wanted to try to make the conversation lead to asking if he needs a notulist or something. I should have just said that right away, but hearing no would break my heart. 

Haha I always automatically say: “I’m doing great 😀 ” when someone asks me how I’m doing. Haha famm I’m sad ill petty 🙁 . The back pains are increasing, but I’m still able to walk. I need a full body MRI like I requested that stupid Dutch company when I went to Germany, but they said some shit about my age and only checked my heart, lungs and brain. It feels like my kidneys are going to fall out of position x_x. But yeheess after working for a month, I’ll be able to afford doing shit with that same company again. 

But meoow if I start working there again on Friday, then my next target will be his lunch table :D. Haha The Fangs is very stalky when it comes to potential Graeynissis. I want friends I can level with hahahahaaa… I’m on so many paths at the same timeeee 

I hope I can work a full day on December 25th [because Christmas makes me depressed… I miss my grandfather meow 🙁 ] and I don’t want to be available for any festivities on New Year’s either. I promised the family I’m staying with that I’ll accompany them to Christmas dinner on December 26th. Other than that, I really don’t have anything to celebrate, so I’d rather be stacking… I’m still not in California 🙁 . 

But yess the function I have now suits me better. It’s still not the routinless challenge with a lot of paperwork I want, but now I’ll be on the hotline for medical assistance abroad. 

Haha holy Scheiß I’m so tireddd that if the Electric Wire Hustle wasn’t bumping through my earplugs (haha), I would fall asleep right here in the train. 

How am I going to do that tomorrow, with the travelling for two hours, while I also want to visit my cousin in the studio… If I go there in the morning, I’ll be able to do both 🙂 . This is all far beyond my physical capacity, since I’m sick as fuck – I clinged to those high tables, because I felt like collapsing x_x… My body feels like lying down 🙁 . But fuck thatt I want to get Cuddlees and do some productive things for my career as Lil Fangs. Even though I keep introducing myself as Dominique Elia in real life hahaha.

~~•~~

21:58 (09:58 PM) 

Haha meoow I should have asked if I could come along when this meow said that he had to go to another borrel to give a speech there as well. I’m waay better at being a social Cuddle when there’s no indirect time pressure. Please be my Graeyniss? 🙁

Being my Graeyniss means spending a lot of time with me 🙂 . Ahh I need to change around my business website again and make sure that it shows that I’m not a social movement. Movements don’t make real changes. I just want to seriously save this planet. Haha this could be put in motion if I were to [I’ll laugh about the informal use of names] be able to arrange a meeting [including serious conversation and doing something fun] with Vicje [haha meoow if I wanted to go for a hug, I should have done it right after he walked in, but I have a youth trauma from disturbing adults when they’re talking – people are always all over him, it seems – while I didn’t really have a good ground for disturbing, so I was waiting for I don’t even know what… So at some point – ah I just kept on drinking in the meantime 🙁 – I thought of “using the same strategy as last time”, but I couldn’t find any words to throw in the conversation that was going on, when I suddenly creeped up next to my meow, who was listening to someone talk, with someone else standing next to him as well. It didn’t feel like the right moment to say all of the things I wanted to say. Ik klapte gewoon helemaal dicht… My thoughts went like Now or never… Now or never… I put myself under some trippy pressure. That’s how much I love you my meoow. I also love you for starting the conversation 😀 ♥ . I always trip over my choice of words, because I want to sound very positive and professional ahaha… But my situation truly isn’t, at the moment…], my EUR Graeynissis, Rutte and Trump. And me 😀 . I have some strategies that involve you, about the environment, the economy and plans of evacuation… Ah meoww we should dine together and talk about it 🙂 .

Haha I’m going back to working something like 40 hours a week. I really need to be stacking for so many reasons, but health wise, I’m like Dwight in that one episode of The Office US [one of the few television shows I truly love to watch] where he has a torn pancreas, but he still wants to give a presentation HAHAHA 🙁 . Is er een bedrijfsarts? 🙁

I’ll be bed petting until I fall asleep and then probably go downstairs in the middle of the night to eat something. This time I won’t share it right away, if I go downstairs at night, because I spend too much time typing…

Good night, my Cuddle 😻

Love me? 🙁

– xxx –

00:19 (12:19 PM) 

I’ve added some more text to 180 Days of Fangs. Haha woww in between September 21 and today, I’ve gone to Germany three times… And now suddenly I’ve been staying in Amsterdam, since the last time I came back from Germany. Around September, I was still staying with “my parents”. Turbulence level over 9000…

Now I’m not hungry anymore 🙂

Yaay

I’m going to do some stretching/yoga, by means of being nice to my spinal column [wervelkolom (NL), Wirbelsäule (DE)] after being so bed petty… By petty I don’t mean the urban dictionary word petty!! I don’t like the urban dictionary form of petty. I mean being cuddly like a pet 😀 . 

~•~

02:04 (AM) 

2018 has been quite a fucked up year [just like 2015 and 2017], but I must say that it comforts me, to see how much my diary has developed itself. I think my mind is reflected more clearly every day. (For me it’s easy to decipher an old article, but for someone who has no idea who I am, I didn’t elaborate on contextual info enough.) 

Here’s some contextual info about my life riiight now: I’ve moved in with some family friends after leaving Germany somewhere last week or something… I don’t remember the date, but I could scour my diary to see when it was, the way I do for 180 Days of Fangs. I went to Berlin after my parents kicked me out. There, my bag got stolen, including my passport and bank cards, so I was forced to go back to the Netherlands, since, for medical assistance – one of the main reasons for choosing Germany – I need a passport. Also, my location of temporary residence there at some point was eating at me so much, that I decided to search for another place to stay. 

Now my mother says that “my father” “always says things he doesn’t mean when he’s mad and that I should come back home”, but I am so done with that, because he has the stupidest reasons for kicking me out. He could just do it again right after I move back in. It’s not the first time he does this. I prefer consistency in having a place to stay. Also, I live for having my own very large house in which I can practice all of my favorite hobbies, so I’m not at all enthusiastic about living with “my parents”. 

I say “my parents”, because I find that a true parent is a loving and supportive person and these people just force me to live the life they want to see me live. Also, I’m not certain if the man whose last name I carry is my biological father. Our characters are completely the opposite and my skin tone is far lighter than his (and my mother’s). 

What I’m trying to work towards, to turn my business into the non-profit construction I want it to end up in, is to find Graeynissis who would like to be my checking guide, when I write a thesis that includes all of the aspects I want my business to cover. 

The SBI codes my business is currently registered under have nothing to do with what I’m working towards. The person registering it said that for registration they only want to know what’s profitable right now and not what I’m working towards, for revenue tax reasons. 

When the thesis is done and acknowledged by professionals, I’ll be able to put my shift to the system into practice [being subjected to it is a choice] and have some guided experience in it already, to guarantee itself of its success. The acknowledgement will give me the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. Once I have it, I can give it to others. I made up the title…

By Graeynissis I mean those who enjoy mental challenges, who would like to work with me on creating a new – but parallel, because the freedom of choice is very important – world. Entering it does still include a challenging application process, because keeping the standard of life high is very important in this parallel system. Life there is more in balance with nature and thus technology will be used in a very different way. A citizen should be prepared for that, so that’s why everyone who enters needs to have completed the (Nosce Te Ipsum) “self-test”. 

Soo I guess today I’ll continue to work on that proposal of my thesis. But how can I incentivize you to say something to me?  🙁 I mean I’m making it for you – in my head, the idea is already beyond complete, so for me, personally, there’s no need to write it down – so that you can oversee the project, too. 

We should then somehow arrange a meeting to discuss how we could tackle the project time-wise. Since you have your lifetime contract at your employer and you need to spend time with your family and stuff… This is my non-paying job [my intention is to still end up being able to buy a house with this], I don’t have children and with most relatives I don’t really have anything to talk about, especially because they mostly talk shit and think I’m a schizophrenic… 

We also need to talk initial funds, since I do not only want to steal you from your lover… I also want to steal you from your employer and give you a much more satisfying salary 🙂 . 

I would love to give you a similar form of freedom, but then drama free, in the way you spend your time, without making you look like the way people look at me. If I would be seen with you and we would put out this plan, which is the most revolutionary concept ever, hands down, people won’t look at me like that anymore for sure and you’ll be as free as you were when you didn’t have the unwanted obligations you have today. 

Cuddle me? 😀 

I’m going to sleep (03:28 (AM)). Forever bed petty hahaha

I love you ♥

– xxx –

11:37 (AM) 

Good morning 🙂 

I just got off the phone with my cousin. We’ll be chilling on Thursday and in the meantime he’ll send me some references about learning about music production in Ableton 🙂 . He also advised me to add a donation button to this website. Haha “Help Lil Fangs de winter door” is going to become reallll. Just kidding haha, the cause will be more serious than that…. I need to cover my health expenses for abroad and I want to show you all of my talents. I can also give speeches, sing, verse, dance, play basketball, be a leader, be very fast when sprinting, strategize and think along on an operational level, in the context of making positive and practical changes to the system 😀  

If I’d really want to do these things, I need to spend a lot less time cooking, but my body needs so much food to function – especially during the colder seasons – and I want to eat healthy, especially with my current health conditions, so I’d need to hire someone else to cook for me. Eating healthy is expensive, though. I currently can’t afford it… Here’s my breakfast:

I feel like I’m emptying the fridge haha 🙁

On the one hand, I feel like getting some more sleep. But at the same time, I want to work on my proposal, work on my websites, get some more exercise and buy more fruit and vegetables…

When it comes to my expenses for this blog, you should know that, because I do everything myself, it doesn’t cost me that much. I pay €36 per three months for webhosting. That’s it. I configured the domains and websites myself, including installing WordPress and its themes. The website layout themes I bought, fixed one time only costs, were about €100 in total for both LilFangs.com and Docis.International. It’s only expensive to have websites, when you have entire teams for web maintenance, typography and marketing and shit behind it. Because I’m multi-talented, for that, I don’t need a team. I need a team to operate on a beyond government level…  Join me bitte ♥.

To attract more people to my website, I’ve spent some money on online advertising and buying likes and followers. The buying likes and followers was to indicate that other people view this website, too… I’m only not that much of a social media person myself anymore. Besides blogging here… So my social media accounts are kind of messy… I don’t really like them, because there’s not much freedom in the way you can share your content, there. But on marketing and everything for that, I’ve spent about €600 in total… I used my ANWB salary and study financing for it.

I’m, by the way, thinking of changing the website’s theme. I bought a new theme, a while back, because I intended to change my alias to Daniëlle Lucy, and I bought a new domain name and theme for it. But I think I’m more a fangy type of person, really, so I’m staying The Fangs :D. Lil Fangs… I have such nice costume ideas for this persona 🙂 .

I would rather change my real name, if it turns out that I’m not the daughter of mister Elia [I HOPE], but of mister Crutzen [I HOPE 😻 ], to Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen 🙂 . (If that’s true, then what am I requesting a new Elia passport for?) But how can I ever get personal clarity on this if probably everyone already knows yet, but they’re anti finding your father so sexy that you want to lake him, because he hasn’t fulfilled the role of a father in my life – I don’t know why I even suddenly think that he’s my father, it’s just a gut feeling… or schizophrenia hahaha :'( – but more that of a very short term mentor. And that while I rarely want to take people’s advice. “Rarely” because often people give me advice in one-liners, while they don’t even know what I’m working towards and it doesn’t fit the spectrum of anything you have ever seen yet. I want to reopen the discussion about my B and I, but if no one is backing me up, while I start this, just like last time, this can get me locked into a mental institution and I NEVEEEEEEEEER want to experience something like that again. Meow 🙁 .

[Seriously, what type of judgment did they give for our situation in that viral lie campaign? I didn’t have sex with him… 🙁 The pressure they put me under during the multiple hours of police interrogation just made me say crazy things… We just became friends and my parents didn’t allow me to see him, so when the police suddenly started to ask me questions about him, I hoped that they would lead me to him, so I just wanted to make it seem like we were close. And even if the having sex were true, that shouldn’t be seen as a crime if both parties want it. It wasn’t true, though. I didn’t want to tell them that I was trying to commit suicide, because they would get me an IBS and lock me into a mental institution… I still ended up there, but without an IBS. They have still treated me as if I had one, which is against the law, but everyone is looking away from this and just watches me struggle, like an animal in a cage 🙁 . You have no idea what you’ve been involved in and how much I’ve been left in the dark about all of this… It can be so that I believe the parental lie they’ve been telling me all my life. People started to tell me about what happened during the campaign, in October 2017, while it happened in like June/July 2017… I never intended to cause so much shit… I just wanted to escape the oppressive regime of “my parents”, just like I do today. Just like I’ve been doing for quite some parts in my life, but they won’t tell you that side of the story. Simultaneously, I’m still not heard, while I have right to be heard, too, no matter how fucking heartless I seemed in that campaign. THAT IS NOT EVEN ME, DAMMIT 🙁 . Now I’ve become this PTSSy bed cat 🙁 .]

It’s 12:32 (PM) and I still haven’t finished my pie, because I actually do not have a sweet tooth at all. Especially not when the food is not hand made, but made by a machine. But I need to eat something and eating not the same things in a row is very important to me. Truthfully, I don’t really have sugary eating habits. I drink my tea without sugar…

Ah meoow I don’t know how to respond to my mother’s text message about going Christmas shopping on Saturday. I don’t want to talk about this situation I’m in and the sadness in her words always makes me even more depressed… And then I’m going to try to lift her up, while she still thinks that I’m fucking insane, and then she ends up hurting me when her level of confidence is up, elaborately describing how I have nothing and fully depend on her and this fucking vlerk wiens achternaam ik heb. It has been going the same way every time for months now. I really don’t feel like small talk. I really prefer to stay away from those who can have such a negative influence on my emotions.

I guess I’ll take a shower, head over to the toko [I so love living close to a toko 😀 ], because I want to eat a serious amount of green vegetables today, and start to work on my websites and the rest of the proposal.

Tot later xxx

~~~

16:46 (04:46 PM) 

In the meantime, I’ve gone grocery shopping, made the veggies and thrown a semi-formal fit at the Dutch embassy in Berlin. I’m still in the process of getting my new passport – with such an ugly picture 🙁 – sent to the Netherlands. 

Prepping… I’m using garter, bitter melon, salted beef and solanum macrocarpon. Featuring some unions, tomatoes and madame jeanette peppers

The salted beef was boiled in water first, to make it less salty

It decreases in size a little, because of the heat

The madame jeanette peppers is there for a taste accent

Haha for people without PTSS/heart complaints, this might be a definition of the urban dictionary form of “petty”:

My heart is going on palpitations level over 9000… Somewhere last week I asked the embassy how I could get the Dutch passport I ordered in Germany, after my previous one was stolen, to the Netherlands, since I travelled back to the Netherlands in the meantime. 

Look at this…. I’m so annoyed. I needed to mail them back a filled out attachment file with my signature, but they forgot to send me the file I was supposed to sign. Now that is not the reason why I’m pissed. It’s the fucking ignorant way this person corresponds with me. Evidence that I’m right about not receiving the attachments will follow. 

So the first mail included instructions and in it, and there was spoken about signing a disclaimer and another file, but there was no file to be found, so I thought that maybe I was supposed to receive a letter at home or go to the town hall or something. It wasn’t clear to me yet that she had forgotten the attachment file. So I replied this:

E-mail me? 😀

Above is the reply to my mail. I’ll translate my own first, since that is the order of things:

Dear reader, 

In case my passport is shipped internationally, will the destination then be the town hall, or my home address?

Will I receive the UPS form when I receive the passport, or is it supposed to be an attachment?

And is it about the disclaimer at the bottom of the e-mail, or is there another disclaimer? I assume it’s about liability during the shipping process… 

Kind regards,

D. D. Elia

I receive back:

Good morning, 

The passport will be sent to the address you give up on the UPS form, usually this is the home address. Both forms

you have received as a attachment, and both have to be filled out and signed. (and sent back) 

Kind regards

There was no name underneath it, but I would not have hired this person oh my god. 

The translation follows

I say: 

L.S.,

None of the mails sent to me includes an attachment. Could these still be sent to me? 

Dominique Elia

AND THEN, SHE DOES THIS:

Good morning, 

This email was sent to you on the fourteenth including the attachments as attachment. 

Kind regards, 

The agency I was corresponding with. 

AND THEN SHE COPY-PASTES THE SAME MAIL WITHOUT THE ATTACHMENT FILE. WHAT THE FUCK? JUST SEND THE FUCKING FILE AGAIN RIGHT AWAY??? That’s what I would have done… Oh my god even serieeeus het is echt een kleine moeite om een bestand nog een keer te sturen. I would say: “Mijn oprechte excuses voor het vergeten van de bijlage. Bij deze verzend ik ze naar u.”/”My sincere apologies for my forgetfulness. Here are the attachment files:” Boom. Fucking problem solved. Maar neee waarom moeilijk doen x_x. 

That I get pissed off by things like this is the reason why the proletarian work floor is not for me. So with shaking hands and crazy palpitations, I reply:

Because of the palpitations, I couldn’t not he so indirectly pissed

L.S.,

Of course I’m capable of reading and know that that mail was sent to me. The mail includes instructions for the attachment, but not the attachment itself. A mail with an attachment, you can recognize by the paperclip logo that comes with the mail, which indicates the attachment. 

What I’m trying to make clear, is that your colleague very neatly typed out the instructions, but forgot to include the attachment file. In previous mails, the attachment was mentioned, but it wasn’t included. Could this then still be sent to me? You, too, can see that the previous mails don’t include attachments, right? 

“Skip the whole thing if it’s too much effort” is (unfortunately) not something I can say, since not having a passport is punishable and the Dutch nationality is the only nationality I have. 

Again, thanks in advance for sending me the attachment file. Please cooperate, because things like this give me palpitations. 

Cordial greetings [HAHAHA]

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

That is: “PLEASE JUST SEND THOSE FUCKING ATTACHMENT FILES,” in semi-formal. (Very semi…)

Because of people like this, I want a very serious recruitment process for my company…

Dear miss Elia, 

No idea if attachments are always only visible with [I meant by and not with…] a paperclip, I think that depends on the type of mail program you use and the settings of the computer regarding to receiving emails [THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. DO NOT QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE AAAAAAHHHHH. And look at how this plebian incorrectly formalizes her Dutch…]. The emails are in PDF format and are thus also very often as an icon in the text all the way down the trail of mails. 

I am very certain that I’ve sent it three times with attachment. 

The attachments are named [what the fuck does it matter what they are named IF THEY WERE NOT INCLUDED, OH MY GOD]

Attachment 4 – disclaimer local mail [it’s not even local…]

WEB_102095_PERMISSIONSSTATEMENT-UPS 

So if the attachments are not received, then unfortunately I won’t be able to do anything else [If I were her, I wouldn’t have gone immediate ragdoll mid-process, man, wtf…] They really included all… 

And then there’s some more text about “how she can’t help me if I can’t see the attachment”, but in this fucking ugh mail she did include the attachment, like I asked three times. The other mails really don’t include it, OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING ASKEDDD OH MY GODDD Look:

“woaaaah a FUCKING PAPERCLIP”

NO. PAPERCLIPS. SO. NO. FUCKING. ATTACHMENTS.

Now the issue is that I do fucking nottt agree with the disclaimer. It says that if UPS fucks up my shipping I will have to pay €160 again for a new passport and renewed shipping. I think that if UPS fucks up, they should be held responsible for it? 

I want a different nationality 🙁 . 

Please forget that I ever said that I think that Benoît is my father. My mother wants to chill with me, and I would feel like a total asshole for saying no. Mid-texting about this, I finally found the courage to ask her: “Are you still in touch with Benoît? I have no idea what I’m saying.” And she said “No, I’ve never spoken to him.” Then I said: “Yess [As in “Oh, okay” [haha shit :'( ]] it was worth the shot. I think I look more like him than I look like “papa”. [Clarifying why I asked the question.]” 

So what should I do now that I don’t agree with the disclaimer? Planet Fang will for sure not have dumb shit like this.

Also, I have the beginning stage of the same killer back pains I had last year, when I was hospitalized. At first, I was in a general hospital, on the antibiotics drip, but when I kept screaming out of pain, and “there was nothing else they could do for me there”, they transferred me to the first out of two psychiatric hospitals I’ve been to.

Meanwhile, it’s 19:28 (07:28 PM) and dinner was amazing. I made the vegetables and the female family friend who is co-house owner, who I call my aunt, with whom I’m staying [and her son and partner], made the rice and chicken.

I feel so feverish… My temperature is high and the pain near my kidneys is increasing. But I’m in desperate need of talking to my ANWB Graeyniss. I need an income and an occupation. But a cognitive challenge as an occupation, instead of a verbal challenge and occupation. As in that I don’t want to go back to the floor and the hotline. I prefer to work at a place in the company that’s less busy with employees who walk to each other’s desks to gossip and who try do to at least as possible. 

Haha oh boyy it would be fucked up if he weren’t there… I suck at small talk. I don’t even like it. I love Graeyniss talk 😻 .

~~~

20:42 (08:42 PM)  

Ah meoow I can’t go to the Netherlands for this intense pain that will soon influence my ability to walk. I’m too afraid that the Dutch doctor I would end up with, would blindly follow the “EPD” [the Elektronisch Patiëntendossier is a database with all medical information of all Dutch patients. Proletarians think that it doesn’t exist, because they worry about their privacy, but it does exist. Even Wikipedia knows…]. All acknowledged (non-alternative) doctors have access to it. 

What has happened to me too often is that they don’t listen to what I say about how I feel, but they just check what the previous doctor has said. And now that doctor A has written down in my EPD “that I’m a schizophrenic”, doctor B views my EPD while I empty out my heart and thinks: Oh my god, she was so silent when she walked in, and when I asked her what’s up she suddenly started to talk so much… Too much effort… Oh what does this say? Oh, schizophrenia. Oh, yes, that must be the case, if you talk so much and it all doesn’t make sense to me [because I am not even listening to how the schizophrenic is actually explaining how she might have a deadly illness], it must just be a relapse of schizophrenia. And tells me: “Yeah my examination is already finished. I’ll prescribe you a higher dosage of antipsychotics.”

I need doctor House, fam 🙁 . And a house, man… Please save me, my Graeyniss 😾 .

The headache, high temperature and back pains are killing me, but I want my business concept to be cleaar ah meoow I gave myself an indirect deadline x_x. Haha the last time I tried to pitch my full business concept, I flopped, because I spent too much time explaining the relationship between the Nosce Te Ipsum series and the recruitment and further development of D.O.C.I.S. International. Or even only the Nosce Te Ipsum series. I shouldn’t have elaborated on the story concept so much… I seemed like too much of an author, while I was trying to say: “I’m trying to be like you. Having a leading function in a multi-component business. Please love me and take me under your wing 😻 ” in a non-sexual way 😀 . Even though I was being so awkward that I was standing sooo close to him, that there was barely space for me to talk with my hands, the way I do when I’m trying to be Graey, so at some point it was like I was pointing at my boobs, while I was trying to say “one or the other” with my hands, not talkint about them [the “one or the other” related to a question from the book. He asked for an example question from the series, and I said: “Do you believe the Universe was created by an invisible person, or by an invisible force?” Because of the cramped space in between us [cramped, but it felt very comfortable to me 🙂 ] I put the backs of the palms of my hands against each other and moved my arms from left to right, indicating “one or the other”… Haha oops… I should have asked what his answer to the question was, but I thought: Large concept, not enough time… The event will end soon… Need to become friends forever… Need… Graeyniss… I want to explain how there’s a similar endeavor in our business plans and how we could work together. And how by being my Graeyniss will really lead to us making the best changes to the system ever. You won’t regret it ♥ While I continued to ramble about the story concept… Too many details… Ah I’m sorry my Graeyniss 🙁 ] There was a camera crew and I spotted them making pictures of us… I wonder if they can be found somewhere… I want to make better pictured 😀 . He’s so photogenic 🙂 .

Meoow I hope I’ll get a chance to explain it this time. It would be easier if my business website were to showcase all business aspects I want to bring to life with my Nosce Te Ipsum thesis. But I feel so fucking shitty… This headache is killing me. Also, I’m more interested in if the company has evacuation plans for the country and otherwise, if he needs a strategist 😀 . Or maybe even if the company truly even has any responsibilities in it…

Aah headache… Screen staring is not good… But I like telling you things 😀 . I wish I could tell you this in a cuddle… Especially in this cold weather 😻 .

Fingers crossed on my unofficial Graeyniss being there tomorrow… Noo if you’d ask me in person, I wouldn’t call him my Graeyniss. So many people want to have him as their Graeyniss, he can’t publicly choose a side without breaking hearts. Ah, my heart 🙁 [Cuddle me? 😀 I’m just an innocent little homeless and moneyless cat 🙁 ]

Also, fingers crossed on this fever and back pains not becoming worse tomorrow… I’m going… No matter what… Fingers crossed I won’t collapse 😀 . Haha I hope bad luck Fangs will not not see this Graeyniss… I’d become more sad internally, if that were to happen. I’d also become fucking desperate ahahaha…..

I’d love to talk to you some more, but staring into light makes my headache worse and so does venting sometimes…

So I’ll be quickly washing my wig, because I want to look Cuddle tomorrow, and then I’m going to bed 😀

On the B not being my father thing [Oh, HAHA… Awkward…], I was basically saying that I love him so much, that the ways in which I feel love for him wouldn’t change if it would suddenly turn out that he’s my father.

I’m such a hopeless romantic… People always think I only want sex… Noo keep your sucky rhythm weak conversation ass away from me, then… [I always get hit on by people I don’t find attractive, and I let them do their thing, while the people I find attractive always don’t seem in to me 🙁 . My ex boyfriend excluded. I want to never have one night stands anymore… But I suck at saying “No”, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to it 🙁 .]

It’s now 22:51 (10:51 PM). I’m sitting at the dinner table and just closed my laptop, which I used to scan in those stupid filled out attachment files for the embassy. [When I’m offline here, I’ll still be using my phone to send that to them. If UPS fucks up the sending, I’ll just live without a passport. Fuck it 😀 ] The news is on and as usual I hear a lot of proletarians complain about the prime minister of the Netherlands. If he were that fucked up, then why the fuck did he get elected twice? Echt hou je bek en begin je eigen partij als je wat over hem persoonlijk te zeiken hebt. I don’t know him personally and I tend to stay away from news about politics, because it gives me palpitations, but I’m so against proletarians blaming political individuals for “everything going wrong”. There are thousands of people who are behind the strategies that are put into practice [want to save up? Fuck all of those robots. You could let it be done by just one person… The Fangs 😎 ], so you can’t just hate the representative of the group. The same goes for people hating on president Trump…

In the show [it’s on SBS6… No idea what the name of the show was. Know that I basically never switch on the TV, but I can’t not focus on it, when it’s on… So many shallow statements being blurted out 24/7 oh my god… There are things to talk about that are fucking far more important. Like how this system is going to collapse if we don’t fucking do something oh my godd wtfff] he just mentioned that he’s open to civilian initiatives. Where do I sign up for free? May I be paid for it? Mag ik ook een kantoortje? Kom chillen…? 😀 Be my Graeyniss? ♥ I recruit useful people. I find him attractive looking, by the way.

Meoow headache 🙁

My love ♥,

Sweet dreams 😻

– xxx –

02:57 (AM) 

Ah meoow why doesn’t my funny video in yesterday’s article show on my mobile browser 🙁 . 

I’ve worked some on 180 Days of Fangs. Reflecting on this year makes me want to fucking die. If celebrating Christmas, still without my Cuddles and Graeynissis, with another family, still goes through, I think that will be one painful memory too much. New Year’s in bed by myself would be de klap op de vuurpijl [PUN HAHA*] that would make me prefer to sleep forever. 

* De klap op de vuurpijl is a figure of speech. It means surprise, but literally translated, it’s “the slap on the fire arrow”. Haha get it, in the context of New Year’s 😂 .

How I’m going to try to let 180 Days of Fangs lead to a shift? I don’t know yet, just like with everything else I write. It’s all intuitive. I came up with the idea of a timeline article just a few days ago. I’m thinking of ending it with a summary of the proposal of my thesis. The thing with these Graeynissis is that I know that they find me very attractive – but that’s because we’re made for each other, my sexy Cuddlemeow 😻 [our intelligence!] – and the person they’re in a relationship with probably can’t stand me, because I’m cool as fuck, so secretly they come back here every time, trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing. I AM TALKING TO YOU. Who else can I talk to? 🙁 About the thesis…

We’re from different classes, so it seems impossible for us to get together, but by being this privacy leak, I’m trying to show you that you shouldn’t give a fuck, too, and just make that move. I was very serious when I asked you on what the procedure is for saving a lone prophet. In this day and age, with my looks, there is no procedure. They’d say that it’s just because you want to be intimate with me. The people who say that kind of shit are the people I want to kill first, because they’re fucking sabotaging my opportunity to be able to make a change.

It’s fucking illegal to sabotage my success, because these kanker idiote “parents” of mine spread that viral lie about me “and made everyone so worried about me” [WAT LUL JE NOU MAN, MET OF ZONDER MIJ ZIT JE TOCH ALLEEN MAAR VOOR DE TV. JE HEBT JE ECHT GEEN ZORGEN GEMAAKT, HOOR. JE HEBT ALLEEN MAAR EEN KANKER FACEBOOK BERICHT GEDEELD EN EEN RONDJE GELOPEN. HOE DURF JE ME EEN SCHULDGEVOEL AAN TE PRATEN. FUCK. YOU. EN ALS IK DOOD GEWEEST ZOU ZIJN, ZOUDEN DIE KANKER IDIOTEN ZO VEEL STRONT OP MIJN NAAM HEBBEN GESMEERD, TERWIJL IK NIET DIE PERSOON BEN DIE ZE IN DAT VERMISSINGSBERICHT BESCHREVEN. EN DAT WEET JE DONDERS GOED. ALS JE ME HIEROM HAAT, BELIEVE ME, THEN I DON’T FUCKING WANT YOUR ATTENTION AND I WON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU WOULD DIE. JE HEBT GEEN FUCKING FLAUW IDEE WAT IK ALLEMAAL HEB MEEGEMAAKT. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.] and I am the most multi-talented person on the planet, which leads to the usual jealousy.

Sorry for that fit of anger, my Graeyniss. I just wish I could cuddle you. I’ve been showing you pieces of my mind – even with all of these posts, I think this is not even 5% of all that I want to say and do – hoping that you’d decipher the urgency of you reaching out to me in real life. I’m waiting for you 🙁 . All I can do is hope and wait, because I’m broke as fuck and I have the most non-cooperative, heartless proletarians as “parents” [I basically raised myself]. They kick me out, while I might have fucking cancer.

Ahh I should go to sleep. It’s 03:51 (AM) now.

I love you ♥

I want to steal you from the person you’re dating.

I would love to be worshipped like a real-life goddess, but I’m not the type of person who would demand this. It’s something you should feel like doing.

Mag ik een Cishe? 😀

The easiest way to reach me is by posting a comment. But I believe that, because my life has become so public et cetera, my phone must be bugged as fuck by now, so you must have other sexy Graeyniss ways of reaching me. Please let this be my last day as “undiscovered talent”… :'(

YES, UNDISCOVERED IS IN BETWEEN BRACKETS, BECAUSE I KNOW FAR MORE PEOPLE ARE GAZING AT MY THINGS, BUT I HAVE REACHED ALL OF YOU WITHOUT SPENDING MILLIONS ON MARKETING AND THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED INSTEAD OF PUNISHED. BITCHES.

🙁

Good night

– xxx –

15:14 (03:14 PM) 

Meow ♥

I woke up early with a howling stomach and went back to bed after eating. And that while I had crazy sober munchies not long before going to sleep… I ate chow mein, bread with salami and some soup, around 1 AM, and around 7 AM I was already hungry again 🙁 … Now I’m hungry again 🙁 But I don’t want to eat the same thing… I have no choice though, since I’m too hungry to go to the supermarket. I’d faint… 

If you’re still a hater after reading 180 Days of Fangs, know that your soul is dead and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you’ll never be able to see any of my publications again, once I’m lifted up a class. I’m the most disrespected person in this godforsaken country, while I deserve the most respect, since I’m the only one with an out-of-the-box strategy to save this fucking planet. I haven’t fully explained it yet. I’m waiting for some love and trust. And the opportunity to be with people who operate on the highest level. The fuck is this… 

Did you know that me not going to the doctor in the Netherlands is a slow form of committing suicide? If I don’t have cancer, I must have something else fucking serious. My urine is almost fucking orange. I hope, the day I won’t wake up or collapse, authorities from abroad will finally know all the shit that is going on here and fucking bomb this shitty ecosystem, by means of avenging me.

By taking it slow, I’m giving you time to save me. I don’t want to live, if I can’t live together with you in the most royal way possible. I love you and I’m not going to spend my life’s hours doing proletarian shit. That’s too far below my level of intelligence. Zzzzzzz.

~•~

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

By means of variation, I fried myself an egg.  I’m getting bored with sharing my cooking.  I never intended to do this in this way – still living a semi-proletarian life – for that long. I wanted to show the shift from discovered to undiscovered, while it was still happening. The problem is that it’s still happening. You know, every publicly successful person has a sad story behind his or her success. I’m still in the middle of the sad story. 

What I’m trying to very indirectly say is that, if you want me to live, someone needs to take me to a non-Dutch private hospital. All I can do with my semi-proletarian class and brokeness is go to my fucking non-cooperative hurtful fucking stupid bitch phycisian. But because of our history, I don’t want to share my feelings with her. I don’t want to be treated with regular medicine that have side-effects and shit. I know there are some cysts in my body and I want them to be removed with an operation and not with killer chemo. I hope the US president is a secret fan of me and that he would welcome me to his presisential health care niss. 

I think that’s the procedure on saving a lone prophet. Or a lone goddess…. 

I still haven’t showered and people are already coming home from work… My curtains are even still closed… Oh my god I feel so unproductive x_x. But I’m still tired meow 🙁 

~•~

18:52 (06:52 PM)

I’m so bed petty 🙁 . Excuse me for not having dinner with the family right now. I hope you’re not waiting for me to come downstairs, because I intend to lay here until past midnight and then go downstairs to score some left overs or something. I’m not in the mood to socialize at all. 

I’m so stuck (financially and health wise), but still I’m looking forward to a studio session and hopefully seeing my Graeyniss at the ANWB event on Wednesday. The problem is my health… I haven’t done anything today, besides writing as I usually do, which is very time consuming, by the way. Yet still I’m soooo tireeed. And also quite hungry, but meoow I’m too petty to talk 🙁 . 

~•~

20:35 (08:35 PM)  

I love hiding in bed. It’s a bad habit, though. Or should I say “bed habit”? 😀 *Ba dum tssss* 

It’s one of the things that were like adding oil to the fire, when ignorant motherfuckers wanted to “officially diagnose” me with a psychosis/schizophrenia. While I’m just a bed cat 🙁 . [I didn’t talk to them like that. I used my most distant and professional Dutch with them. Putting a lot of emphasis on the law, which they have broken in so many ways and no one gives a fuck :'( ] Me mentioning this again now, even though I haven’t seen any psychiatry hoes this month, I think is because of post traumatic stress. The way to solve that is by starting a new life, if you’d ask me. There’s not much left to talk about. Everything is written down here. Spread over online diary articles and stuff… 

Has anyone seen my B?  🙁 

Whatever happens, if no one helps me, my entire financial future will depend on my attendance to that event. I really hope this meow will be there, because he’s one of the few people I feel I could talk to. I hate small talk… I want to use my brain in a conversation. I want to run an independent state, so his field and specialisms are very interesting to me. I hope he has something for me. It’s, again, this wild cat seeking shelter… 

Ah meoow I hope he didn’t consider my zillion emails to him as me hitting on him. That would lead to lifeless plebian bitches talking shit about us 😀 . I just want a Graeyniss friend 😀 . But I must say that I find him very handsome 😻 and that this leads to me acting veryyy random around him. It’s just because I love you 😀 . Mag ik een cuddle? 🙁 I love cuddling tall and handsome people. Also non-tall people. “Everyone is handsome”. <– that is populism hahahahahahahahahahaha. It’s a matter of confidence, though. As long as you find yourself attractive 😀 . 

Shelter is one of our basic human needs. Haha I say “our”, as if I’m human. I should drop all of my low-key forms of populism. 

Anyway, yes, about shelter… I should be able to afford shelter. Shelter I really want, even. But I can’t even afford shelter I don’t want. It was a choice of mine to live off study financing instead of welfare. I’m too proud for welfare… But meoow I hope I’ll get an opportunity to finally be able to afford some shelter I love. I’m talking about een achtertuin waarin je een sprintje kan trekken en waarin mijn kat genoeg ruimte heeft om een dier te zijn. That’s what I’m working towards. 

The size of my goals bring a lot of stress with them. Especially because I’m doing it all on my own. So dumb health care professionals who say: “No, you can’t be that sick. You’re too young for that.” EXCUSE ME, DO I SOUND LIKE A TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD? EXACTLY! I FUCKING DON’T. So I might also be sick like a non-twenty-two year old. I’m a Graeyniss, too 🙁 . The way those health care people only think of their stupid budget is so frustrating. The idea of a budget is fictive anyway. Everything you spend is too much already, because this place is overpopulated and therefore every resource used is “beyond the budget”. 

Haha this budget thing gives me flashbacks to when I was working in the Summer… The numbers I’d like to work with are client related statistics and not money, since I’m not a supporter of “money prediction”. The Netherlands really need a financial make-over [and me too 🙂 ]. I could help you… If you pay up 😀 . In that way, I’d help myself. I can also help you with constructing a plan in case the threat of this country flooding becomes too serious. I love short term projects. That’s what I’m a sole proprietor for 🙂 . 

I want to ask my Graeyniss so many questions about thisss. He is t h e person who people would run to in case that wave of five meters of ice water brings back the balance in nature. Because the company is a monopoly related to less extreme forms of that situation. You also need to think about what you’re going to do afterwards, my Graeyniss. [This is a joke, haha. I wouldn’t force it… But it’s important to be prepared for anything. Especially now that over-population, over-consumption and lazy binge watching is “2018’s generation in three terms”, to me…] What would you like to do when you grow up even more? We don’t do routines, right? 😀

~•~

22:08 (10:08 PM) 

Haha something I really need so share with you is the Fangs version of All I Want for Christmas, which I have stuck in my head. It’s a joke. It’s also only one couplet or whatever. Readers discretion is advised haha. 

I don’t want a lot for Christmas 

I just want to fuck my B

And I will accomplish my endeavor 

And I feel like smoking trees

I just want you for my own 

[Yes, I’m talking to you]

More than you could ever know 

[Apparently you’re still not realizing it]

Make my wish come trueeeee 

[Yes, hurry up please]

All I want for Christmaaas 

[It will be like Christmas every day]

Is youuu 

[my Cuddle 😻 ]

Haha oh my godd after more than a decade of hearing this song, after hearing it once around this time of year, I’ll hear it until fucking January 2019 x_x. Whyy do people not get tired of hearing the same Christmas music…?

I don’t intend to record this. I just wanted to share my reason to laugh internally ahahahaha. Unless you want a recording…?

I guess it’s time for me to mentally prepare myself to get out of bed. I feel nastyy so I want to shower before going downstairs, but I’m also veryy hungryy, so meow¿ I always have a lot of needs at once x_x.

~•~

02:25 (AM) 

I loved the birthday party! I hope the birthday girl had a great time, too 🙂
Ahh meow why am I always a cooperative person when someone tries to get into my pants…. As if I’m the wingman at the same time :'( [??? FUCKIBG help me pls becayse this is goung to get me pregnant and I don’t want that yoooo. I want isolation from the opportunity of “being pulled in a plebian instead of gyptian way”. It should just be someone who loves me 🙁 . I’m too much of a wild street cat who needs food and love. It’s like figuratuvely, I follow you, as you tingle your keys… I want to not be plebian 🙁 . Don’t you see how plebian I speak semi-formal English that doesn’t fully suit “the class I’m from”. It’s semi-upper middle, though.]

I only want to be intimate with a Cuddle I want to spend the rest of my life with… The polyamorist way? You better want to rule over an independent state!!! 

On nights like this I want to cuddle my B to sleep 

I always want to cuddle my B to sleep 

I don’t think of him as much as I dream of him. I might be acting casual, but he’s my only connection, becayse I’m lonely… I dream of touching him every night… It’s because of his super irresistible intelligence…. Irresistible intelligence is so irresistible ah meoow 😻 &#x1F63B;. It would be so cool if it turns out that he’s my father… At least then, it’s certain that he’ll stay in my life, for the rest of my life, and that I have the right to have him in my life for the rest of my life 😀 

Be my Graeyniss?

This one Graeyniss has the funniest video of me ever aahahahwhwhwhwhaahah 😂 &#x1F602;.

Another irresistible Graeyniss I dream of cuddling to sleep

As long as many others 

I want to skip this eenpersoonsbed and go to my Cuddle brother’s bed

But I don’t want to be a freak 😀 

Meoww Cuddle me

My international Cuddle♥
It’s my intention to make you feel like my one and only…

I just keep on typing, hoping that you’ll realize you’re my one and only, hoping that you’ll be my one love

That’s all I do on this blog….

I just finished my 03:18 meal, in the mood for another one… Let’s make this just as lit at the White House? It must be tough being under media fire 24/7. Know that I won’t let them influence me and that I love you to death. My Cuddle… I’m going to stop typing after saying

I believe one day my B and his other behind the scenes Cuddles will pick me up in the most royal way, because I’m divine as fuck… [Wtf what other female does this… Please act as if I’m as demanding and dominant as she is… I am not at all the voice of “women”.] Because of The  Head Cuddle, he already knows my full strategy for changing the system. He has the real life experience and knowledge to complement it ♥. Something that’s a secret from me – probably my mother – is keeping him from me, but I can’t live without him. I love him and you so much… My audience is 90% dudes… But I’m not doing this to get some dick… I want love, my meow… Please know this… Please be one of the few who actually gives me this. The rest is too dumb to understand…

But I love you ♥. Until the end of time!

I’m going to eat some more and go to sleep

This one meow is here but I don’t dare to Cuddle?

Good night, my *insert word that goes beyond love and a two heart emojis ♥♥

I love you so much!

– xxx –

12:52 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂 

How are you todaay?

*This question now makes me think that you’ll answer this question with your thoughts and feel more engaged in this online diary post*

I’m still in bed… But I’m going to get up, because my bladder really needs to be emptied… 

~~~

13:04 (01:04 PM) 

Daar ben ik weer 😀 

As a clarification of some of my words from yesterday: I’m always cooperative when someone makes a move on me, because I always feel so hurt when I get rejected – which is one of the reasons why I don’t even make moves anymore… that and that I rarely see someone I could imagine myself with – and I don’t want to cause that same feeling of hurt for someone else. I actually followed him to that porch and allowed him to try to fuck me raw [what the fuck, why am I not confident enough to say nooooo fuck offf pleaseee what’s the point of doing this :'( ]. But I’m very tight [still, somehow 🙁 ] and I wasn’t aroused, so it didn’t work out. Especially not when he said: “Zuig aan mijn pik dan,” and said that my Cuddle is dry 🙁 . Don’t insult my Cuddle 🙁 . I find it hard to say “no”, but because of that plebian choice of words that pissed me off and that insult, I was suddenly very able to say “noooooo”. 

Yesss sharing this here and thus forever speichern it on the servers of my German webhost is far from common. A lot of plebs will think I’m the worst kind of person for sharing this. And that while many of them have “shameful” shit like that to share, too, but they’re acting as if they’re saints. They’re not my target audience, so I don’t give a fuck 😀 . I’m just showing you me. I know non-proletarian people keep an eye on my blog. First of all from the fact that I mention brand names and names of governments and government institutions on here and every company has its social media patrol squad, and then the proleet didn’t get instructions on what to do if the mentioning is on an actual web page, and it includes a lot of text, written in a way that isn’t that easy to understand, so it might have been passed to “higher up”. And also because in my statistics I always see an outstanding number in my top five with only the country’s flag, but no defined location (city). That’s how I know my dear higher-up United States enjoys reading about my semi-plebian life :). And my dear higher up Netherlands [please put me on the list for the flooding escape plan, alstubliefttttt], too :).

In other news, as the end of the year is approaching and since I was a baby, I’ve been so scared of fireworks, and I now have this controversial blog on which many non-conservative statements are made, I don’t want to be in a densely populated area, when people run around, throwing fireworks. I want to stay pretty 🙁 . I know some people can handle fireworks responsibly, like my unofficial brother who lives here and enjoys fireworks, but there are also these idots who use that shit to blow up trash cans and do other dumb things with it. Plus, it’s “often bought illegally, in Belgium”, they say on the news, and that it then “can have errors in the way it’s manufactured” and just blow up in your face and shit. That should stay out of the hands of ontspoorde people. Those type of people who fight over soccer games and yell shit like “Boeren! Boeren! Joden! Joden!” during the game. I’m afraid they don’t like me 🙁 . Fireworks are basically weapons, and I only know how to fight with my body and/or knives and swords and ninja stars and shit, so I always feel so unsafe around New Year’s 🙁 .

I’m going to make it worse, because I want to show myself on here. I’m a republican. I’m not a democrat. I believe that those who are easy to influence – often proletarians – shouldn’t have a say in how an entire society is ruled over. Only the idea that they have something to say, because they can color in a fucking dot on a piece of paper – I don’t vote – keeps them quiet? Man, that’s dumb…. 

~•~

16:04 (04:04 PM) 

Haha I finally have some imagery of myself which is not made by myself! It’s too controversial for a separate post. So I’m showing it here. Only those who keep up with my writing will be able to see it, then. I think the video is hilarious XD.  

Some contextual info: this was after the party from Thursday last week, since my week starts on Sunday. I’ll first write out what I say in Dutch, before I translate it. I don’t know why I’m saying it, because I don’t remember that much of how that night ended. I also don’t remember that the video was made. My friend, who was the DJ that night, said: “Okey, doe je best.” Then I say: “Jamiro, ik ben fucking stabiel, kom chillen? Aah…” Then his girlfriend says: “Ooh nee, je labello.” Then I say: “(Oh) neeee…. Ik ben niet dronken….” Then she says: “Nee, je bent niet dronken, je bent gewoon super gezellig.” And I burst out into laughter from the way I flipped my scarf. 

So in English [By translating it like this, I try to encourage you to read back to the previous paragraph and teach you some Dutch]: “Okay, do your best.” “Jamiro, I’m fucking stable [it’s Dutch slang for saying that I still function even though I’m intoxicated as fuck haha], come and chill (with us). Aah…” “Oh no, your Labello.” “(Oh) noo… I’m not drunk…” “No, you’re not drunk, you’re just super gezellig [I find “cosy” not the right translation for “gezellig”, even though that’s what dictionaries say. I think “fun” applies better, but it still doesn’t really apply to this context, so I just leave it untranslated.]”

I’m a rebel for always posting things without asking or mentioning it to anyone. I assume it’s cool, because I’m the only one looking stupid in this video. But I know the risk I’m taking, so feel free to attack me for it.

18:10 (06:10 PM) 

In the meantime, I’ve made some griesmeelpap as my first food of the day and I made some soup for dinner. 

18:32 (06:32 PM) 

In the meantime I’ve arrived at the house of the daughter of the family I’m staying at. It’s my first time here. I hadn’t visited yet ever since she moved out. 

Shout out to my unofficial uncle for being my cutting assistant. It has been very long since I’ve had someone helping me with cooking. 

My phone is not very cooperative with uploading pictures right now, so I’ll show them to you later.

19:21 (07:21 PM) 

Something pressing on my mind is my dependency on the people I’m staying with. I love them, but I really need to hurry the fuck up with getting independent, because I can’t stand nog being independent. And by independent I don’t mean earning enough to get by. 

Especially with the “Pay up, pay up,” messages I’m getting from the Dutch government, I need to hurry up with finding a way to generate an income for myself. I hope that at the event I’m going to on Wednesday, this Graeyniss will be there and that I could maybe get another function, instead of being a Summer employee. I have no idea how to bring this, though… I want to do something I’ll earn enough with to emigrate to The States… “Royally”… And to pay back my study loan. All in the shortest time interval possible. At the same time, I need to still have some time free, so that I can develop my concept of a parallel system and find participants for it. So I’d prefer working slightly less than 40 hours a week. I hope I could do something that includes a lot of reading, writing and working with numbers… But not the type of numbers related to prediction. Rather for reflection and ideas for 

~•~

20:31 (08:31 PM)

My cousin invited me to visit him at his school’s studio this week. I hope we can record something! 😻 I would so loveeee to have him as my producer and make music professionally. I have so many music ideas! I hope I could perform it, one day… I think I then also have a DJ, since my Graeyniss killed it last week 😀 . We could throw a Fangs partyy. My unofficial Cuddle Graeyniss brother has experience in organizing events… Ayyy 😀 

Planet Fang needs entertainment, right… I want to be your entertainment 😀 . I also want to shelter other entertainers there ehehe. Recruitment included, just like for all other categories of people. The recruitment is because the space is limited. It’s, to me, more important to keep nature in balance, than to become super huge. Having becoming super huge, as a goal, as a business, is not the most beneficial for the balance of nature, in my eyes… Because it’s not taken into consideration, when you only think of getting more clients and more profit and shit. That’s why I’ve been saying that I’m not going to dumb down my content, for more proletarians can understand it. The final size depends on how many countries and people want to participate, the budget that comes with that and the ecological analysis that follows. 

Some pictures: 

At first, I made two pans, but one was hot asf and the other one a lot less flavorous

We ate the soup at the house of the daughter of my unofficial aunt and uncle [or should I say “unofficial foster parents” now¿]. I made this little ducky when we were playing with play dough with the daughter of the daughter

I’m a little bit awkward with babies and children, because I tend to treat them like adults, in my ways of interaction. Especially when I say something to a child. I’m not the type of person who would change the pitch of my voice and say things in the category of “goo goo gaga” and…. Yeah I don’t even know how to describe it, because it’s just not something I’m able to do. I would be a lot less awkward if I knew how to practice that popular form of interaction with a child. But you know what I mean? 

~•~

21:39 (09:39 PM)

I think I’m going to work a bit on 180 Days of Fangs… And then finish my proposal tomorrow… Hopefully also make a concept for my studio visit 😀

Oh something else you should know about me is that I’m deeply in love with SZA 😻. In my head, I call her my cuddle cat. She’s such a Goddess 😻 and I love how she’s not like “Ooh eww I can’t do anything and everything is difficult” like regular women – I can’t stand the way regular men adapt to it and how they think that every woman is like that ughhh*** – I know from the way she presents herself in the peaks of her life I sometimes check out on Instagram. I’m not like that either. That’s why I usually don’t really have a connection with women, even though I’m female.

I also love the lovingness in her choice of words. Both in song and in writing 😀 

~•~

*** “The good ones” go into slave mode, saying “Okay, you do nothing. I’ll do it.” I know it’s because he loves her, but she’s going to take his effort for granted. When men see me struggle a little and they want to take over, I often want to say: “I CAN DO IT MYSELF. I’M NOT THAT INCAPABLE TYPE OF FEMALE. I’M ALSO NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC.” But I always just cooperate with whatever they want to do, because it’s too much to explain in that short split second they suddenly step in. “The bad ones” always start to complain and generalize the concept of women. Saying shit like: “Boohoo you always fuck up things blah blah. Women always blah blah.” It’s better to just walk the fuck away if you’re just going to zeiken like a bitch.

We’re all just physical entities, man, fuck the concept of gender. It’s not important. And that’s why we all, for sure, should be equal. Hierarchy should be based on intelligence, I think 🙂 . I believe we do need some form of hierarchy, because of the relationship between someone’s capabilities and the function he or she has in the global society.

00:38 (12:38 PM) 

Because of the painful situation I’m in – the brokeness, my business is still undeveloped, I have been kicked out of my parents’ house at age 22 and don’t have money for buying or renting my own house – I really want to escape my perception, especially now that the holidays are coming up. 

“On the bright side”, last year’s Christmas was so fucked up that it’s impossible to have a worse one. Last year, I was in the psychiatric ward, not allowed to leave, no matter how often I begged, but I was allowed to have dinner with my relatives, with a curfew. 

How am I ever going to achieve the independence I want? Know that I’ll never participate in “climbing up the ladder” in another business. That would be way too many years of my life invested in something I actually don’t want to do at all. I’d only work because I have bills to pay. 

What’s the procedure on saving a lone prophet? Haha may I say “prophet”? I’m afraid that they’ll use it as another reason to call me a schizophrenic, but it’s my faith, so I have to mention it… Who else can shift the system? If someone else were able to do it, he or she would have already done it. 

I believe that there will be better days in the future, but I’m starting to lose my patience, now that the new year’s reflection is coming. I want better days right now. I want to make them for all of us, while I’m still in my twenties. I detest the proletarian life so fucking much. [Especially on New Year’s in the Netherlands! What the fuck… How can the government allow fireworks here? Alles is bovenop elkaar gebouwd… In between the tiny streets and the overload of cars and houses, it’s so unsafe and there’s no way to escape it, for me… :'( ]

Ahh I’m so tired en als ik door blijf schrijven ben ik straks weer over mijn slaap heen…

So good night, my dear reader

I hope we’ll cuddle, one day

– xxx –

08:48 (AM) 

Good morning♥

I was hungry and tired at the same time, so I just ate some bread with chocopasta, pindakaas en hagelslag…. The combination was a literally very sweet impulse. I’m going back so sleep xxx

~•~

13:04 (01:04 PM) 

“Back in time” with my hair like this. My earrings were in my stolen bag 🙁 .

Making noodles

I’m eating noww

I’m going to a shopping area today, with my aunt. A bag, a wallet and a warmer jacket I’ll need, since my bag got stolen [ :'( ] and it’s so cold outside 🙁 . It’s currently 1 degree Celsius x_x. I’m not able to sleep with only my panties on anymore, so it’s very hard for me to fall asleep at night. Having clothes on underneath the sheets feels so cramped. [“Benauwend”, I want to say, but “oppressive” doesn’t sound right?] I’m staying in the Bijlmer region, by the way. I don’t know my way around the neighborhood yet… She’s going to show me around a little 🙂 . 

I want to give myself some time off from giving myself deadlines. “It’s Christmas, right” HAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s an excuse for everything. “I don’t feel like wearing clothes.” “You may. It’s Christmas.” 

Haha meoow I want to have dinner at the White House for Christmas. With my B and the cool Jewish president. 

Writing down what would lift me up is not a crime 😀 

Inmiddels is het 13:56. We zijn onderweg en mijn oom is ook mee 🙂 

~•~ 

14:42 (02:42 PM) 

We’re at another mall that is not in the region, because it’s cold. This one is deels overdekt haha. 

~•~

17:31 (05:31 PM) 

I’m very happy with my new jacket 😀 . It cost me a fortune, but it was worth it. My boobs burst open my other jacket every time I breathe in or move my arms hahahaha. When it wasn’t so cold, it wasn’t that bad, because I love the big hoodie. 

But now I have “a Paddington jacket” :D. 

Unfortunately, my search for a wallet and a little backpack were unsuccessful. I wish I could design my own clothes. I have so many ideas for clothing [the sweatshop doesn’t count haha eww], which will definitely be sold on Planet Fang and Earthly shops. 

By the way, Planet Fang won’t have fast food restaurants. It won’t even sell food with chemical additives. The Fangyist will buy directly from the farmer. There will be no supermarkets, only “specific stores”.

So now I’m going to buy some meat for the soup I’ll make tomorrow. After that, we’ll have dinner and then we’re going to a birthday party. 

~•~

19:03 (07:03 PM)  

Man… Every time I drink something, anything, from water to whiskey, I need to pee almost straight after. I need to go every 30 minutes anyway, even when I haven’t drunk[? drink, drank, drunk… Present perfect is *opens Google* yay have drunk] anything. I have to make a doctor’s appointment here in the Netherlands, but I really don’t want to see that bitch x_x. She’s forced to help me now that I have a doctor’s note from Germany. 

I’m very tired again. I wish I wasn’t bed petty… I used to go to school full time, have basketball practice twice a week and a game almost every weekend and have two side-jobs, when I was 16. I want that endurance back… But unfortunately, I’ll be napping until slightly before we go to the party xxx

~•~

20:46 (08:46 PM)  

I want to mention something about the contrast between Lil Fangs on LilFangs.com and Dominique Elia in real life…. Because there’s a huge difference between how much I have to say here and how much I say in real life. Not that I can’t talk as much in real life. On the contrary, I can’t wait to have a stage to myself and be talking for hours straight haha. My real life silence is because all I can think of is what others who have been subjected to the plebian life don’t want to think of. I used to have a lot of anecdotes, but they’re all depressing, since my life changed, when I became trapped in the psychiatric system, so I prefer to not tell them. Because of that, I also don’t talk about my real feelings in real life. Especially because I don’t fuck with plebian shit haha. 

Anywayy enough about sad shit. We’re on our way to a party 🙂 

~•~

22:17 (10:17 PM) 

I’m happy to be at this party I wasn’t invited to. I didn’t know what to expect when it came to clothing. I’m so fucking underdressed HAHAHAHAHA 😂. I’m wearing the pants from my suit and my black Adidas sweater, because the dresscode is all black. And black high socks and my black sneakers. I should have worn a dress ahahahaha….. 

23:03 (11:03 PM) 

So I usually don’t drink at family gatherings, maar als er een schaap over de dam is, volgen er meer…. I’m having a lot of fun 😀 

Cheers 🙂

~•~

02:22 (AM)  

Okay I’m drnk. As tck t cpbt. Cate agount autovorrwcth 

I patu qltuct to much strength j car  wtjpbtbbbj

Tahrg

 Red bj.  En hhhcjcjrbt e reoejentiu 

Thrve whh i cihen sar i

I shouldn’t cate 

Carew

Clabiur aytovorrecr 

Aotocorrekt 

Suppper klrrekt 

13:42 (01:42 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I hope you still love me 😀

The party was a lot of fun. I found my friend the best DJ of the night 🙂 . 

I see the looser version of myself poetically worried about the clarity of my writing… 

I’m going to try to get myself out of bed…

Here’s a picture I took before going to sleep:

They bought me a kip 6 ♥ 

~•~

15:52 (03:52 PM) 

I had such a great time dancing and meeting my friend’s girlfriend last night :D. If it wouldn’t cost me brain cells and money, I would go out every night haha. 

From stalking my B, I know today is the last lecture of the second block. I felt like crying, back in 2016, when I was following the course and “it would have been the last time seeing him”. I love the way he gives lectures. From his energy to the parallels he draws between the course material and today’s society. [I quit studying a few days before the final exam. I was too inspired in my self-study and didn’t keep up with the homework during the block… The subject and he inspired me to seek more information about other subjects. It was too much material to study at once and pass [bad Fangs 🙁 ] and I would then have too many resits I would all have to pass to be allowed to stay in the program. It stressed me out. Quitting was the easiest way to rid myself from the constant stress. The stress made me lose focus when I tried to study, so I decided to solely focus on my sole proprietorship. After I quit, B and I mailed back and forth and met up to talk twice.] If I were to dash out of the house and into the train right now, I might be able to catch him….. Should I try it…? I miss chilling with him. But my proposal isn’t finished :(. I could pitch it, maybe… Maybe he already has plans for after it, though 🙁 . It would be so awkward travelling for more than an hour and not seeing him. 

I want to get closer to achieving my goals every day, so every day I need to do something useful in that context… 

~•~ 

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

I don’t know if I should regret not trying, because I haven’t tried it. That goes for a lot of things. Currently, it’s not for randomly showing up at that lecture of the course I’m not even following (anymore 🙁 ). I have no idea what I should say, really… I hope “my parents” didn’t destroy his reputation the way they destroyed mine, with their public fucking false claims 🙁 . I haven’t been able to reach him ever since. Why? :'( 

What’s the point of doing all of this, if he never comes back to me? 🙁 The life I want to offer all of you is much better than this one. But I need the assistance of some Graeynissis to be able to shape it. 

Ah, meow. This headache is killing me x_x…

~•~

22:56 (10:56 PM) 

I’ll touch on the step of today, the holidays [ :'( ] and my feelings. 

So even though, after I got kicked out a few weeks ago, I’m trying to distance myself from “my parents” for the rest of my existence, my mother keeps texting me. She sends all of this I love you shit, so I would feel like a jerk if I were to not respond. She mentioned that “my father” was going to visit a friend in Amsterdam and that he could bring my new bank cards [since my bag got stolen when I was in Germany, somewhere last week or something] and other things I need. 

I did not want to see or touch him, but “I had no choice”, because I need my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. I now have my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. When he came by, everyone stood up to greet him. I could barely look at him. My body refused to stand up for him. But when he approached me to say hi, I gave him three kisses. 

We were acting all casual, but on the inside, I was so angry and ready to continue that fight of the day he told me that I can fuck off. He had the nerve to ask: “Ga je die grasmat nou weer in je haar doen?” And I just said yes. He’s fucking dead to me. 

When he left, I didn’t want to touch him again – but I don’t want to make a scene in someone else’s house – so I gave him one kiss. And then he said: “Three.” Words can’t explain how fucking pissed I was, but I did it. 

I immediately started to untie my twists, when he gave me the big bag with clothing, my glasses, my wig and two out of three bank cards. I feel less attractive with twists, compared to when I wear my wig, I’ve noticed. 

By means of justifying my productivity: I function even better when I feel better about myself, so today was a good day, because I changed my hairstyle. 

Random mid-untying picture

Meow…

My wig is now hanging in the shower to dry, because I washed it. 

What are your plans for the holidays? 

I don’t really have any. That there are holidays doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to see “my parents” ever again (actually). So for Christmas, currently, I’ll follow the family I’m staying with. For New Year’s, it will probably be crying in my bed all day. On the positive side, this bed has a way better mattress than “my” bed in “my parents” house. 

If I’m very honest, I’m so sick and tired of the continuous routine in this life. On Planet Fang – the corporate island I hope to fund – we’ll party differently. It will not be the same shit every year – I don’t understand how people still enjoy it after a zillion times. 

In D.O.C.I.S., I mention that I wanted to organize a benefit for the Saturnalia, but since no one is participating yet, and I need a team to be able to hold it, I, very unfortunately, won’t be able to do that. 

My head hurts so much, oh my god x_x. I wish I had a Christmas B 🙁 . And other Graeynissis 🙁 . And a house in California… 

~•~

00:01 (12:01 PM) 

Will this be the strategy that leads to clarity and success at once…? 😀

I’m now working on my official proposal for The Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis. If I could find some Graeynissis who would like to mark it and invest in it, I would become the happiest Cuddle ever :D. 

This will be the new cornerstone of D.O.C.I.S. International. When I’m done writing it out, I’ll adapt the website to it. 

Here are some pictures of my screen [I’m still editing it]:

Capital T for serious history and trying to feel self-love reasons… The subtitle for colloquial Cuddle reasons… The no front page and content list, because I hope to be able to keep it short… 

I’m excited 😀

01:29 (AM) 

I hoped to be able to finish it in one night, but if I continue now, I’ll see the sun rise, and that’s not good for my sleeping schedule and my health. Plus, I’m going out this evening… 

What’s the procedure on internationally assembling Graeynissis, for an independent project? [Hahahahahahaha]

It’s not via an online ad, for sure. And E-mailing hasn’t worked out for me in the past. If only I had a B… Or if those who can hear me reason would approach me… When the proposal is finished, you’ll have a mentally safe ground for doing this :D. 

I guess I’ll just change things around and hope that those who decipher my diary posts will love it. It’s the way to do this :D. 

Soon enough, you’ll be done deciphering this! It’s time for something new :D. Sometimes my writing is an explanation to myself and sometimes [hopefully mostly…] my writing is an explanation to the reader. When I break something down to myself, details that are obvious to me are left out, to save myself from writing too much. 

More than 180 days of diary posts and I’m still without the right network x_x. May the proposal be the change we all need to see and feel… 

My heart feels hope again. Hopefully the feeling will become better and not switch back into heartache… I hope the proposal will receive engagement. Otherwise, I’ll have to go back to my previous university and go on one knee and say: “Baby, please take me back?” But the only thing I like about that – if I’d be taken back – is seeing my B, gazing at some hot people and getting a title in front of my name.  I want to be Illuminatus Intelligens, though 😀 

I’m going to literally grab a bite to eat and head to bed.

I love you soooo ♥

Welterusten

Please be my Cuddle ♥

– xxx – 

11:00 (AM) 

Good morning 🙂

Hopefully I’ll be able to finish my proposal today. The sooner the better, because I can’t wait to get started for real :D. 

Other things on my list for today are buying groceries for and making dinner, and hoping to find something nice to wear for tonight.  And dancing, of course :D. 

I’ve woken up tired again, though. My alarm is set for 11:30 (AM), so I’m going to nap until it goes off xxx 

~~~

16:33 (04:33 PM) 

I don’t know who to ask for an investment for this Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis research project of mine… Earlier, I mentioned it being those who check [rather not mark, because if it’s not an A+ I’ll cry on the inside for the rest of my life lol] it, but I want to pay them for it… So much that they’ll quit their jobs at whatever Graeyniss place they work now and be my Cuddle forever! 😻&#x1F63B; . 

I’ll just finish the proposal and change my business website first. Then I somehow need to attract Graeynissis… I hope I already am…? I hope I don’t need LinkedIn for this, because only having a few out of context connections in my current social life isn’t helpful and it looks awkward¿

By the way, I’ll be in Club Nyx tonight. The party is called Sugar Daddy. I’m always alone, even when I mention where I’m going on my blog, but as always, feel free to approach me and say that you read my blog, bitte. Then I know what I can talk about with you 😻. I know it’s not a usual place to find an investor, but it would be so funny to say: “We met at Sugar Daddy.” 😂😂😂&#x1F602;

Haha meoww you would save me from working past my limits. I talk about writing a historic thesis, while I need a doctor, otherwise the historic thesis will never be there 🙁 . Haha doctor as in medicine doctor, but also doctor as in any other discipline doctor, because I need these Graeysss 😀 .

~~~

19:18 (07:18 PM) 

I’ve touched on everything on my list. I bought groceries, but no one’s eating at home [I say “home”, but I’m not registered here], so I just ate some left overs from yesterday: stir fried vegetables and shrimps 🙂 . 

I wanted to finish my proposal before going out, but I’m too tired 🙁 . My heart still wants to dance, though. It was one of the few moments I felt happiness, in the Suicide Club in Berlin last weekend. I want to feel like that again 😀 . 

Also, I need to change around my business website as well, to really be done [with my new display, hoping that this one will lead to something], and that I won’t be able to do in the same night, so I’ve now justified me not working but taking a nap enough to be at peace with my decision. 

Next week Wednesday, there’s this event by my last employer. I’ll use that as a deadline. I hope I’ll see my Graeyniss 😀 . I hope I’ll succeed in explaining what I’m trying to do this time. I hope I can still somehow convince him to be my Graeyniss. [Secretly that is, again, the only reason why I’m going. I really suck at small talk with colleagues… Because I have such different things on my mind.] Haha meow why am I always chasing people I can’t reach and being chased by people I do not want to have in my life… 

I’ll be napping until ten xxx

~~~

21:36 (09:36 PM) 

It’s not easy for me to fall asleep, even when I’m tired. I’ve been regularly smoking weed for quite some months in a row, so that I’ve gone cold turkey might play a role. I’ll take back my statement about going cold turkey if the official diagnosis says I’m physically ill. Then I might decide to live on edibles… 

One of the things I love about staying here, is that they encourage me to take the rest I need. “My parents” always complain about me being at home too much and “my father” always “wildly” wakes me up [by switching the light on, splashing water in my face, loudly knocking on the door, pulling the sheets away and/or anything else fucking fucked up] when he finds that I’m resting too much. He and this person I was staying at before are both convinced that I’m not sick, but lazy, so when it turns out that I’m sick, officially, they’ll regret their words, because I’m so pissed off from their stupidity believing that they know better how I feel than I do myself. Oh, grrrr. 

It’s almost ten now. I’m going to get ready. Earlier today I went to the clothing store a few minutes from here, to search for something with short sleeves, because I always get sweaty from club heat. There were three shirts with short sleeves: one with a print of a skull and roses, one with a print of dollar bills and one with a print of Marilyn Monroe and two handguns on it. Haha I picked the last one. I also bought sweatpants. It cost me €12,50 in total 🙂 . 

I’ll be right back xxx

~~~

00:54 (12:53 AM) 

It was nice, at the gym. It has been a literal decade since I’ve done pull-ups. I’ve pushed myself beyond my limit, though. I always squat with a bar on my shoulders with 10 kg weights on each end. At the second set, my legs were so shaky that I switched to light cardio and yoga for my cool down. (While I should have just stopped completely, actually…)

The regular random picture of the screen of the cross trainer I often make when I go to the gym haha:

I call someone my Cuddle, when I want to keep him/her in my long-term life and allow him/her to access to my corporate state, if it were to ever become my reality. [For the sake of quality and prosperity, everyone has to make the Nosce Te Ipsum personality test and have a similar type of life’s philosophy – the test could show – to enter.]

Every time I see someone after a long time, who I’ve last seen before my life became this psychiatric drama, there are so many things I want to say, but I’m too scared to get hurt to say it. Every time. The last few years have brought so much shit with them, that I now actually don’t ever feel true happiness anymore. I can’t even truly laugh about jokes. On first sight, I always think: How would the old me have greeted you? I try to mimic the happiness and positive energy I used to show in my happy moods – it was, back then already, more pushing fucked up thoughts aside and trying to give everyone a good time – but I now worry too much about the way I act and that surfaces in my energy every time. I always think: You’ve heard all kinds of things about me, when I was missing. On the one hand, I really want you to vent about your experience. On the other hand, I don’t want to know, because the people I have asked made me feel so shitty by putting guilt on me for making them worried. As if I did it on purpose x_x. (Not knowing might save me some hurt.) I wonder if it changed the way you think about me. I wonder what you think now that you see me after so long. 

I used to be quite good at small talk, but now I really suck at it. After those days of not speaking and having to learn myself how to have a conversation again – I hadn’t even told this to those psychiatry motherf***s, because they were far too busy with how to define my dear Benoît as my psychosis – I hear the algorithm in every small talk and/or “serious social justice warrior [I learnt this term from a Graeyniss (= Cuddle) I met in Berlin] debate”-conversation. That awareness and that I have completely different things on my mind, makes me want to hide behind closed doors. But I always keep trying to stay semi-social. The fucked up thing is that I associate everything with my traumas and that I sometimes unintendedly vocalize this in a conversation, but I try to keep this to a minimum, because it’s often unrelatable and it sucks all of the energy out of a conversation. 

One of the two Cuddles is a DJ [he’s a very good rapper, too, by the way] and he invited me over to a party where he will be spinning, on Thursday. I’m excited :D. I love expressing myself to music so muchh. Also, it might be the first time I catch this Cuddle without his ally. I’m very curious to see this side of him. I hope he might understand my emotions¿ “Relate to” is even better, for me, but not for him, so I say “understand”. 

There are so many energies I try to free myself from. Going into Fangs mode on the dancefloor always helps, haha. Too bad it’s temporary XD. I shouldn’t drink too much, but I love the buzz and the not caring about the way I move my body, when I’m only slightly able to control it. 

Note to woken up self: Ik weet dat telefoneren kut is, maar bellen voor een pasje gaat altijd heel snel! Des te sneller ik achter die dingen aan ga, des te sneller het allemaal achter de rug is! Na het ontbijt is het tijd om te bellen. En ook om die ene Duitse snelheidsboete te betalen… [X_X]

Busted for driving 14 km/h too fast

Meoww there were quite some other things I wanted to mention, but I need to listen to my body and go to sleep (three weeks ago or something, haha, says the headache I have from being tired) 

Good night ♥ 

– xxx – 

03:54 (AM) 

I’ve finally given in to my midnight hunger:

It’s a Moluccan fish dish with mackerel on the left and some bami and chicken on the right

I usually keep letting my stomach make alien sounds until I wake up after sunrise, but that always makes me wake up tired, and then I end up eating breakfast around lunch time. Hopefully, I’ll now be able to fall asleep. 

What makes it harder is that, since I’ve been back in the Netherlands, I haven’t smoked any weed and I guess I got quite used to going to sleep high. I don’t intend to go back to smoking “commercial weed” that often. The high isn’t that comfortable anyway.  I guess it’s the whole routine around it, I love more. The process of rolling up and thinking: This is my treat. May the high be comfortable and give me new insights. I’m not giving myself any obligations for after smoking. Let the high decide what I’ll do.  And then having a break from writing or whatever I was doing, “to be mindful” as I have a moment to myself. I prefer smoking alone over smoking with other people, with some exceptions here and there. 

I feel a proper momentum to try to sleep again. Good night again! ♥ xxx

20:37 (08:37 PM) 

Can you relate to my thoughts? They’re quite uncommon. 

Please love me :(. “I” am the living endeavor. I don’t care about anything else. I want to be an essential in your life :D. 

My heart aches so much right now. I have no idea what my next move should be. I’m thinking of unsubcribing D.O.C.I.S. International, since it’s going soooo fucking shitty from the fucking start. But if that’s out of my life, too, I don’t want to fucking exist anymore. 

I’ve been thinking of going back to the university I used to study at. I don’t believe in the education system, because I believe it’s better to learn in practice instead of for a test, but that’s not going to get me anywhere in this society, as you can clearly see. Without a degree, people think I’m too dumb to learn. 

A suitable course for me would be econometrics, but I want to be lectured by my favorite lecturer – my B [the decisive reason why I would actually attempt to enroll, because I really detest the absorption of my free time. I’ll barely have time for my business, just like last time, and I won’t be able to travel whenever. But it’s the only way for me to see him again :(] – so I’m thinking of applying for the course on economics and philosophy. 

I’m praying for a better alternative, though, because I detest the full-time student life. [Yeah, of course: “You should be grateful that you can study.” Ah, grrrrrrr. I would love to give my shot at studying at those who aren’t able to.] I’d bind myself to the Netherlands for four years, by enrolling. I’m far to PTSSy to be the jolly student who goes out for shallow conversations and beers every week. I’m also allergic to social justice warriors. They make me want to hide in my bed, because my perspective on life is so different. 

Many people don’t understand me when I say that I suck at school, because it’s too easy for me. You could give me a book on any subject from any year of study and tell me to make a test about it, the next week. It’s the same algorithm every time, in a test. I would much rather use it in practice right away, since I have soooooooooooooo many ideas for concepts in which the knowledge hasn’t even been used yet, ever. Really! I have an idea to put this into practice, because it’s really possible, only I don’t have the network of Graeynissis who could back me up. 

[By the way, I’ve now completed the list I made two days ago, only the overture is now changed to working on my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis proposal.]

Okayy I’m just going to work out my propisal for the Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis – may that qualify for multiple degrees, please, my team of currently non-assigned Graeynissis, who are qualified to mark my work¿ That’s “my next move”. It touches on subjects that are not given by one university, though. How do I assemble so many Graeynissis at once? :'( 

00:14 (12:14 PM) 

Has anyone seen my B?  🙁 Could anyone send me a B? I need an investor and right hand, bitte… I also miss him in general :(. Living without him is not good for my heart, my meow.

Here’s a picture of the dinner I was happy to eat, yesterday:

😀

And after having had a nice conversation with my unofficial relatives with whom I’m staying – they say they’ll never kick me out 😀 – I later wrote in my new notebook:

I’ve been postponing blocking my stolen cards – they’re empty as fuck, I don’t want to tell them why I lost them [at the hotline, they always ask and then sometimes give their opinions I don’t want to hear. En dan: “De volgende keer niet meer doen hѐ?” Echt, hou je bek gewoon, alsof ik het met opzet deed ofzo x_x] and I have no income so ah meoww – but it’s on my list for tomorrow. 

I’m the last person in the living room. I’m going to shut the lights off and get ready for bed etc. 

Good night! 

I love you to the moon and back

Let’s build a spaceship? :p

– xxx – 

13:30 (01:30 PM) 

I typed five long paragraphs and then the app crashed when I wanted to upload it :'(. I ended it with that I’m going to take a nap, but now I’m writing this in my bed. I’ll summarize what I wrote down:

I hope people will purchase things from me, when I have a professional team behind my works. [Now I’m hocus brokus… As fuck x_x.] Currently, I only have some prospects, but I need more powerful people actively on my side, first, so that I can make some real shifts. “I’m not from the right class”, so it’s hard for me to find the right ones, though…

I also need an investor for my health expenses :'(. Not again will I put my fate and faith in the ugh of the Dutch health system, since that has blown up in my face far too often. The re-occurring infection that keeps resurfacing in my urine, including white blood cells, could be something very serious. It’s still untreated. I’d rather let it kill me, if I’ll keep continuing to live the life I don’t want to live. 

I wanted to go to California healthy, but maybe it’s better for me to be treated there, if that’s possible… I can’t afford it, though. Just like living there. Otherwise, I would have already been there! Meoww please save me :(. I would already be a 90% happier person, solely from going just outside my own house and seeing palm trees 😻😻&#x1F63B; And seeing happier people because of better weather and more ambitious people, because you need to earn so much to maintain the large amount of living space. Something I can only afford on a high pace by growing out my sole proprietorship into a multinational. By working for a boss full-time, at the ANWB for example, it will take decades before I’ll be able to emigrate. I don’t have patience for that. Especially not because I don’t even want to continue to live if my entire life is just the struggle of getting there and not about going further when I’m finally there. In the end I want to have my own state, remember… :(. 

It feels like such a waste of energy going after my passport, driver’s license and bank cards, since I don’t even want to live in the Netherlands. [I do love to be here, with my unofficial relatives, but still, I really need my own place, for my true independence. I still feel like a sheltered street cat… Meow :(. Mag ik een Cuddle? :D] I wish I could get them from the US, but I don’t have an address there. Or money x_x. Meoow I wish I had a manager or something… Only my B I would give the authority to be my official manager – sorry – since he knows me the best. 

I love the indirect statement I make by, as someone who was born and raised in Rotterdam, now staying in Amsterdam. I find the rivalry between the areas such fucking bullshit. It’s only an hour away from each other. People are almost born into what soccer team they prefer. That shouldn’t be a reason to hate someone you don’t know. Especially here, in the end, it will all be Atlantis one day, so hating really doesn’t even make sense. 

I think it’s the untreated infection flowing through my body that makes me feel so tired all of the time, partially. Of course, my aortic insufficiency plays a role, too. 

Meoww I’m now really going to try to take a nap, because I’m tired asf, still, but I always feel the most unproductive when I hear people come home from work and I’m still in bed. So I’ll try to limit my resting until max 5 pm 🙁 xxx

16:39 (04:39 PM) 

The weight loss I’ve had from – don’t try this at home – when I’m hungry and tired at the same time, giving in to my fatigue and postponing eating, especially when there’s mediocre nutritional value. 

Check it outt

October 10 [the ECG is from doctor Cuddle in Meerbusch, Germany]

Right now. I’m thinking of taking out my extension twists and switching back to afwisselen my natural hair and wearing a wig, like there. 

Too bad I have facial hair, so modelling will be un-cuddle. I have scars on my face from plucking it. #isthatawkward¿ #beingintimatewithFangs hahahahahah. People make jokes about it :'(.

So at first, while I made those pictures and thought: Ayy I don’t want to suffer from this health struggle anymore because it makes my suicidal thoughts go crazy. I first thought of, now that I’m here in Amsterdam, renting a car to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany and let him finish the examination. He deserves the credit big time. I’ve never had a more comfortable doctor. [Can’t I just take him with me to the US? 🙁 If he wants that…] But I’m without a passport, driver’s license and bank cards, so that will be mission impossible. 

Only when I visit my phycisian, I don’t need to have any cards or whatever with me. The problem is that that bitch got me in so much trouble, I become far too PTSSy when I think of seeing her. The last time I saw her, I asked for a note to visit the hospital for sleep research, because I have so many complaints, it’s better for me to indicate that I have them, when I have them. This was when I was just transferred from a general hospital to a psychiatric hospital. She said that those health complaints are “just part of my psychosis” and that I am not “wilsbekwaam” [ = sane enough to make my own decisions] and that she only wants to talk to my “psychiatric parole officer” instead of me. I told her that she has this bias because my mother uses her as her psychologist and I let her ramble a short while with my “parole officer” on speaker phone, but at some point their conversation was frustrating me so much, that I professionally ended the conversation and fucking went back to the ward. I was walking with a limp, because my kidneys hurt, which was why I was in the general hospital. At some point “I was just occupying a bed”, because I had to wait for test results, so they sent me home, but I didn’t want to go home. They didn’t understand this and the pain I was in made me scream a lot, so they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital. There, too, I was in so much pain I wanted to scream, but I didn’t dare to, because I was afraid they would inject me with deadly shit and put me in an isolation cell, the way they did to so many other people I’ve spoken to there. 

It was my intention to fucking fu-cking neveeeeer see my Dutch phycisian again. Oh my god, if I’d see her now, I wouldn’t help but be able to yell things at her like: “ALS IK ZIEK BEN, KAN JE FUCKING OPDOEKEN.” = “IF I’M SICK, YOU CAN CLOSE THE PLACE.” Ah, grrrrr. It seems like I have NO OTHER CHOICE AH GRRR. But I only want the official diagnosis. Know that I’m not going to let myself be treated here. Most people who I’ve known who entered the Dutch health system for something serious and “time and money consuming”, haven’t survived it. I don’t want to be on that list. If I die, I want to die because I want to die, and not because my doctor is a noob. 

18:04 (06:04 PM) 

Ohh by the way, yesterday I bought the mix for the cake I wanted to make by means of saying thanks, but it was quite late and I was quite tired when I came back, so I’m making it today: 

Lemon cake 😀

It’s now in the oven. It will be done around 18:40 :). Haha I feel like making a Facebook post from it and writing: “Lemon cake… Beyond amazing…” as the caption, for indirect “I’m such a diehard B stalker”-reasons. Ahahahahhahahahah XD. It sounded funnier in my head 😅😅&#x1F605; [Of course I’m not posting it on Facebook :D. Ba-dum-tsssssss. I only post things “when I have to, in the eyes of marketing”. I try to avoid it, because I want my content to be seen and appreciated, but those who used to “like” my things are now spectators instead of engaging, since I’ve gone missing while I wasn’t missing, and people now think I’m an evil attention seeker [FUCKING DUMB IDIOTS], that’s quite a mission impossible in this country. It’s also hard for many to understand why I don’t use professional pictures [it’s because I’m showing you my perspective in the purest way possible] and why I speak American English instead of Dutch [because of Atlantis reasons & a larger potential reach & I want to become a native speaker and in the end make it in the US]]

Meoww I still haven’t called for those stupid cards and I still haven’t gone after my stupid passport. If I don’t kill my physician on sight when I see her, and she finally fucking refers me to the goddamn hospital [I swear far too much for the US standard, don’t I? x_x I swear less in real life… :(. I’m, by the way, a totally different person in real life, compared to my writing!!] – AND THAT IS AN “IF” [what the actual fuck… It should be a crime to have to put your fate in the hands of people who don’t give a fuck] – I can use my official diagnosis to start a fundraiser and stay petty. I keep going with the writing and formulating business strategies and stuff, while my body has been in “sleep 24/7, more I can’t do” mode for a veryyy long time, in actuality. I have quite some will power. I guess :D.

19:36 (07:36 PM) 

Ah meow, my impatience fucked up the cake x_x. The top was turning black and the inside was still wet. I ended up taking off the top and putting it back in the oven, but the inside is still not ideal. I’m putting it back in the oven. The way to prevent this from happening is by using a tin with a larger diameter. With baking, because of the irreversible chemistry, there’s often no way back after making a wrong decision. 

Meow :(. The taste is still nice, though.

It seems that, when it comes to these statistics, if I go on like this, December will be “””my best month””” of 2018. 

20:09 (08:09 PM) 

I’m on my way to the gym featuring my Amsterdam Cuddles. I wasn’t sure if I should go, because I feel tired, but I’ve been inside for far too long and one Cuddle who has joined us, I haven’t seen in soo long that I just have to go hehe. 

00:28 (12:28 PM) 

My Cuddle ♥

I’m on the last train of many transfers since I missed that one transfer, because of the delay of the first train. 

It worries me that even though I have some publicity, I’ve still unwantedly been a girlfriend experience, in a relationship that is/was the greatest miscommunication ever. He invited me over to the spa for the next day, the first time I saw him. That I said yes to that didn’t mean that I wanted to be intimate with him. I’ve gone to a nudist spa center and there I could just be naked around men without being harassed. Someone who isn’t able to keep his hands off a naked body, shouldn’t work there. But it’s very easy to manipulate me. And I’m always afraid to break hearts, but because of that, I forget about my own heart. Far too often I allow people who I’m not attracted to at all touch me, while I actually absolutely don’t want that to happen. This time it had led to something I can still not believe I was in. What a waste of time… 

What do I need to do to get invited to a good public speaking opportunity? I’m trying to become immortal. 

~•~

01:57 (AM) 

Ah, my Cuddle, I’ve been received here with so much love, it adds some silent tears of happiness to my silent tears of sadness. I’ve been given a key to the house already and after the tea and the large plate of nice food, I felt even better! 

My bedroom could be an Airbnb. That’s how good it looks, especially compared to my room at “my parents'” :D. I’ll show it to you tomorrow. I’m veryyy tired. 

Good night

I love you!

– xxx –

10:34 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

[I’m re-typing what I typed earlier, because the app crashed before I could update it :(]

I made myself a quick breakfast:

This is the first time I have to myself after more than a week. The rest of the family is at work. I wish I could surprise them with something, when they come back. My budget isn’t that high, because I’m still walletless. But I still have that cash of this party Cuddle. Maybe I could make a nice dessert¿ Or something else… 

I need to call the tax office hotline today, for my login credentials, to prevent myself from being falsely accused of tax fraud. You’ll have to be at “my parents” for that, but they have been getting away with a lot of shit. Like in that missing report, portraying me as the shittiest child ever, so that it looked like they didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t missing, I was trying to get the fuck away from them. As long as that file full of lies exists uncorrected for, in this world of big data, I won’t be at peace. 

I hope I’ll also get to working on my business overture today. I think Amsterdam is a good place to search for investors¿

Here’s my room:

Why closed curtains? Because I’m showing it to you the way I perceive it right now, breaking unspoken rules to define another form of freedom in self-expression, slight anonymity of location and I’m about to take a nap ehehe

The amount of flashbacks I’ve been living through – not even writing all of them down anymore, because they’re just so much – made it a bit hard to fall asleep last night. So I’m going to try to catch up, because I still can barely keep my eyes open.

Tot later xxx

~•~ 

13:00 (01:00 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I’m happy to be a part of the loving family I’m staying right now. 

I had uploaded such a long Monday, December 10, 2018 post already, but somehow I keep losing data. It’s probably some bot that keeps messing with what I upload. Ah, grrrr. I can’t wait to say fuck this website and switch to printed works and privately owned platforms, while making real life changes with you. I’m not earning from this anyway. I touched on so many different topics, in the article that just vanished from my list of articles, I’m so not in the mood to break down all of this frustrating shit again, because it takes so much time, that I can’t do much else in a day if I were to break it all down again. 

Where’s my B?  🙁 [Adopt me pls¿ Who doesn’t want a 22-year-old “human pet” 😀 (As in that I’m often cuddly and sleepy once I get fully comfortable haha).] He’s one of the few people who knows my true potential. He gave me some hope, when I decided to choose the path of more free time to work on personal concepts and quit my studies, when he said that it’s really possible for me to make it without a degree. Only now, I see that it is possible, but I need more support from people from his level (leaders), because those who follow instead of lead, listen to authorities, and I’m not treated like an authority, because I don’t have a title. The certificates I’ve obtained without attending any classes indicate that I can – of fucking course, because failing is a time related choice to me – handle the academic standard. 

Because of this type of tunnelvision on causality, so many people already have their negative judgment ready about my business, while I haven’t even got started yet. [Examples of what I mean by this form of tunnelvision are: “If you defend yourself, you must have something to hide,” or “If you pitch something abstract to me, you must want to take advantage of me.” I’m trying to show you that I’m an exception. If you believe me and I succeed, it’s more than win-win for the both of us.] On the one hand, I want to convince these people that I really am a good person. On the other hand, it might be better to not sweat myself over them, because I wouldn’t recruit a hater with no respect anyway. There are so many fishes in the sea. 

Something crucial I mentioned in the vanished post is another pro-myself-please-be-my-Cuddle-argument in the me vs “my parents” debate in which they say I’m the worst and most schizophrenic child ever, is this: “My parents” don’t have anything they can get publicity with the way I do and intend to. So I believe that when they reported me missing and were asked questions about when they last saw me, they tried to make themselves look good, because my vanishing is their only “claim to fame”. This while I was trying to distance myself from them. And I didn’t want to talk to anyone else. [Most people are very holy believers of “family first”. They always tell me that I need to spend time with my parents, because they love me and shit. Why the fuck do they yell at me for no reason so often, then?] In their police statement, they said that I left the house in a confused state and “that I had gone catatonic”. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME WHILE I OWNED A PR BUSINESS :'(. It’s really not true :'(. They didn’t mention that I wasn’t catatonic but just shunning them, because they were screaming at me out of anger, because I kept saying that Benoît was going to save me from them, and at some point I was getting tired of trying to reason with them. I always need to “deliver a statement” before I can leave the house, so if I were really confused, they wouldn’t have fucking let me leave. I stayed away, because I was trying to save myself from their traumatizing parental measures. But of course they didn’t say that in their statement that went viral. My career :'(.

I feel so futloos (24/7… You can see it in my writing, too… I need a doctor 🙁 ), but I want be useful and productive all of the time… 

Oh semi-nevermind @ losing the article again. It’s still just the messing around with the dates. I changed it back to today, but all of these things are triggers for my cropped up anger I’m trying to keep to myself/to my public online private space. 

Ah meoww all of my clothes are dirty.  I want to earn new ones, because I don’t feel sexy in them¿

~•~

15:28 (03:28 PM) 

Haha kutzooi…. x_x. Bad luck Fangs is back at itt. I just called the tax office hotline and I thought that – because of what I was told when I called last time – they could send me my credentials per mail. But it goes per post and it can take up to 10 business days and it’s two letters! 

“The funniest thing” is that D.O.C.I.S. International doesn’t even have a bank account yet. [Please let it be “yet”… *Looks at you with Cuddle eyes*] I only registered it because I make an unhealthy amount of hours writing and strategizing, so I find that I may call this my registered occupation. I pay my business expenses from my personal account. That was why I was so shocked by having to pay more than €5000 tax. 

I still have Elia PR’s bank account, but I’ve never had a paying client there (either). Having that account costs me €12,50 per month, but I can’t unsubscribe it, because it will make me feel too much grief. Elia PR was my first business baby :'(. I’ll burst into tears when I unsubscribe the bank account and I still haven’t earned with my new business either, and the person at the bank who might witness that, might be the jealous type and find my failure satisfying, and then I might get a PTSS fit of anger. 

So now that it’s hardly possible for me to save myself from the severe consequences of the tax system, I’m petty :D. At least I now still don’t have to dig into my depressing numbers :D. I’m just going into full ragdoll mode, I think. I’m all bluf. I don’t even have a lawyer haha. I needed to have filed my bezwaarschrift/nieuwe aangifte by tomorrow. They also send the new credentials only to my parents’ house, because I’m registered there. How tf am I ever going to get that letter, if I’m trying to be persistent in keeping my distance from my parents? 

I know the fiod must be watching us. And because of my “success” in terms of audience, they might see me as the fraudulent one – an insult to my peace mentality, but a compliment to the work I do – but it’s really not me. The laptop I’m using was a birthday present from like 4 years ago, I received from “my father”, and simultaneously he obliged me to – since I was his unregistered bookkeeping assistant [FUCKING €160 PER MONTH OH MY GOD WAT EEN AFZETTERIJ… Maar mijn beste alternatief, aangezien ik begon op mijn zestiende, en ik daarmee het meest verdiende… Ik betaalde er mijn telefoon abonnement enzo van…], to earn my pocket money – report the purchase of the laptop as a business expense and because of that he got 21% tax back over the purchase, while it wasn’t a business expense. I’m not the main fraud, but very unfortunately, I’m the witness involved because of my basic needs. 

I’m going to buy some groceries and re-explore the neighborhood. I came here very often, when I was littler :D. 

~•~

17:35 (05:35 PM) 

I felt so naked without a notebook. So I bought a new one :D. 

Looks like one of my old ones, but thia one has lines instead of squares

Back at thiss. “Luckily” this wasn’t on my external back-up :(. I have no back up of my diary posts either – besides back-ups of the database from which you view my posts – so please treat this website with love. 

04:41 (AM) 
I randomly got a crazy headache that is now keeping me awake. I can’t sleep next to someone else and sleep properly, I’ve noticed. Maybe I’ll be able to do this with my B? Because I don’t like sleeping alone :(.

~•~

13:28 (01:28 PM) 

One thing that’s so absurd that it’s funny, is the plenty: “Hey, how’s it going?” texts I’m receiving (from “my parents”). You can read how I’m doing right here [not good], if you want to know. I don’t like to talk about it in real life. 

The tension increases as I mention what I write – the second time he asked me this… why tf live with me and not know x_x – and that I want to leave. If I randomly die, I want you to be able to trace every potential cause. That’s why I keep posting, even though “I’m not allowed to”. I want to leave. Today… 

Also, he literally said that he’d frame me to get away with whatever – I don’t want to be a full snitch, I just want to be honest – so I just had to write this down. “My parents” got away with it. I’ll make sure it won’t happen again. Godverdomme. 

I’m now checking train options. Leaving better just go smooth… I’m not in the mood for more unnecessary drama. 

I’m also not travelling with any drugs on me, so if you find them on me, they’re planted. 

~•~

17:15 (05:15 PM) 

Delayss

~•~

17:25 (05:25 PM) 

“I’m Oscar Mike”

I feel a strange form of heartache from going to Berlin with all of my most valuable belongings, to travel back without most of my most valuable things, to the country I’m trying to actually distance myself from – I need sun, my meow 🙁 – and to also still not have fixed the problems with my health. My external Toshiba hard drive should really be tracked down. “My whole life” is on there… x_x. Stealing shit from me shouldn’t go without consequences. But I want to set the consequences, instead of having some cops do it. That’s why I didn’t report it missing. And because I’m so tired of everything. 

When I think of going back to working 40 hours a week, I don’t look forward to answering questions about my life. (So a new job interview or whatever.  My whole life is one enormous trauma. If you really want to know, just ask me to clarify some of my written passages, but please don’t act as if you don’t keep an eye on my website. Know that I’ll show you twice as much love, when you tell me you enjoy reading this. At least you read it. If I were doing this solely for myself, I would not have made it public. 

~•~

18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Heb ik weer x_x

Meow 🙁

~•~

19:32 (07:32 PM) 

Letters from a Stoic was in my stolen bag :(. I also took this book [a classic] with me, I haven’t read yet:

🙂

I bought it because I’m interested in anything power related. I want to know how it’s used, so that I can use it for my own good. 

Meoww, reading without my glasses isn’t easy. But it’s possible, thanks to the pseudoscientific theory regarding to sunlight and eyesight, by Bates :D. 

~•~

20:36 (08:36 PM) 

Here’s an unposted pre-party pic from the night before last night:

I hide my real emotions so well, people don’t believe that my talent is real

I also have a picture with the house Cuddle and his friend who gave me money and carried me to bed after I passed out. But this whole concept is an enormous controversy, which is one of the reasons for me to not share that picture here, without having asked, knowing that the house Cuddle [I don’t know how to call him on here, really…] doesn’t want to “be online”. It seems so fucked up for people like him, to have to alter their entire lifestyle, because they chose the other circuit. 

The more tired I am, the louder I snore? 

Meoow I want to be alone. I hate being in public, without being immortalized, around people who might know some superficial lies about me, who then ridicule me to my face, while I’m by myself and they’re with so many – because so many people on this earth are sooooooooo fucking dumb. 

Battery is loww xx

~•~

22:44 (10:44 PM) 

I’m charging my phone in the train. So these two sentences here to let you know I’m reachable again. 

I hope you understand that what you read here is all written live. 

Now that I’m alone again, after I don’t know how long I was away, I’m afraid to orient myself on how I feel right now, because this unplanned trip to Berlin has brought me even more heartache. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hide my PTSS for much longer. But I have to, for the sake of proper business representation… I continue to keep the emotions from surfacing. I’m afraid to be injected with antipsychotics – something that could be deadly for me, since I have an aortic insufficiency – when I let my hidden emotions out. 

I’m glad that the people with whom I’ll be staying are chill. Why I didn’t go to them before? Because “my parents” know them and I do not want to see, hear or feel “my parents”. They have, however, offered me to stay with them quite a few times. I’ve asked them to not invite my parents over. I pray I just won’t see my parents ever again. Without their previous forms of interference, I would not have been as emotionally damaged as I am right now. 

I know the people I’m about to visit, because they have seen me grow up. I consider them my family, but we’re not blood relatives. “My uncle” and “my father” used to work together – before I was born – and stayed friends. Especially in the past, we visited them very often. We go to each other’s birthday parties and stuff. That’s how I know them and the rest of their family. We often also celebrate New Year’s together. Christmas, too, sometimes. With my sister and “parents”, my aunt and uncle and their children and other friends, we have traveled a lot, in the past. We’ve been to multiple places in Turkey together [Marmaris and Alanya], multiple places in France [Centerparks somewhere in Normandy, and Paris], multiple in Germany, too, [Stuttgart, München, Spelle and Berlin, if not more…], Ibiza, Belgium [this was when I was really young and their children were also really young. A few holidays, with a group of something like 15 people, we rented a villa with a pool and a playing area for kids, in the Ardennen] and the list goes on. They visited me when I was in the hospital, last year. They live in Amsterdam, which is where I’m going right now. I’m almost there. Or relatively almost… My time of arrival is 00:48 (12:48 AM). I always write down the time before start to write down what comes to mind at that time of day. As I’m on this part of the page, it’s 23:57 (11:57 PM). As I’ve corrected a few errors throughout this text, it’s now 00:07 (12:07 AM). I’ll now press “update” and then you’ll see this piece of text when you (fully) refresh the page. 

Same place, different train #referencetoanearlierpost #IdontrememberthedatebutIrememberwhatIdid

~•~

02:58 (AM)

My literal glass of wine is nice. Spontaneous visits make me want to stay where the conversation is. 

It’s lit 🙂

~•~

04:27 (AM) 

We’re going club hopping. My phone is about to die xxx

~•~

17:34 (05:34 PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

Last night was the first night I’ve gone out dancing, in Berlin. It was such a fun experience :D. 

I’m the type of person who stays on the dancefloor all night. After having been refused at a few clubs – it was unfair :(… just because my crew members have a few grey hairs, I heard – we got into the Suicide Club.  I was wearing my black suit – one of the few types of clothing I have with me for going out/special occasions – with my white body suit. The house Cuddle and his friends have bought me some drinks. At some point I was drunk enough to not be semi-ashamed of my dancing and be all over the floor. When the type of music in a club isn’t something I would listen to myself, my dance moves are always a bit random. I find it funny. It makes me laugh XD. 

As usual, I was approached by some men, with whom I then had conversations. The modern form of courtship (in clubs) is very see through. I always play along, but try to keep myself from being talked into sex. 

I loved the impulse of going out. Actually, before we left, I was already so tired that I really felt like calling it a day. But I can never say no to a new dancing experience :D. 

It’s not good of me that I – when clubbing – drink to lose myself in dancing and to forget about my problems. I should solve them, but what does a solved state even look like? I’ve been struggling for so long that I don’t even remember how true relaxation feels. I feel like the house Cuddle should kick me out, too. I have too many problems and I just nestled myself in his life, within a month. 

I’m still walletless, but I now have €50 cash to spend, because one of my house Cuddle’s nice friends gave it to me :).

I need to distance myself from people who believe that changing the world is impossible. When I hear their arguments – alwaaays based on a fictive worst case scenario – I always feel hurt, because it feels like they say that they don’t believe in me, and frustration, because I don’t know why everyone just settles for this dreadful routinous life. That’s why I really shouldn’t go back to my parents in the Netherlands – even though they keep fucking asking me that via text… If they want me to stay caged in with them, they shouldn’t have kicked me out. I need to move… 

I’ve had so many requests from the insurance company I’ve worked for, maybe I should go back, though, since I really need an income and I’ve received so many “Please come back” messages. (So Cuddle! ♥) That company has such an important function in crowd management during Dutch weather circumstances, I would love to contribute to that, because I think I can be a very positive influence there. It will also give me more time to find a new way to get my business off the ground, because this is not working at all… 

Where’s my house Cuddle¿ I want to go outside so that I could buy myself some food… I’m hungry :(.

~•~

20:33 (08:33 PM) 

I’m going to catch some more sleep xxx

~•~

22:59 (10:59 PM) 

I can’t sleep… I’m afraid to get cum on myself if I fall asleep :(. Going back to the ANWB [I say it’s an insurance company, but it’s actually “a duizendpoot company”, “like D.O.C.I.S. International”, giving out multiple resources and services] would solve a lot of my problems. I then have an income, I “build up my retirement” and I’ll feel more useful. I really hope I’ll see the Graeyniss I was trying to make an official Graeyniss! &#x1F63B;😻 I wish I could be his “temporary” assistant… I say temporary, because I want my corporate state. I have been not attempting to go back to working there, because it will give me less time to strategize for D.O.C.I.S. International. Another reason why I wasn’t going back, was because by signing a new contract, I bind myself to having to live in the Netherlands. With my parents, since what I earn there isn’t enough to buy a mansion. But I doooooon’t want to go back to living with my parents x_x. 

I have a picture of my passport on my phone, I could identify myself with, in the train. With the money of the friend of my house Cuddle [I heard he carried me to bed. I passed out on the couch after we came back to the house Cuddle’s apartment after partying. That’s so süß!] I could buy food, while I travel back to the Netherlands. I’m not sure if/when I’ll do this. 

I still need to find a way to get medical assistance, now that I’m here in Germany. My experiences with the Dutch health system have been so traumatic that I really don’t want to go back on that rollercoaster. 

I feel like I need to give back to the country I was raised in – ook al kan ik “jullie allemaal” achter het behang plakken ♥. Because of D.O.C.I.S. International, I have so many ideas for facilitating ways of life. Those ideas are currently only ideas, but I’ve also been thinking of strategies for how to make this reality. I don’t know what the current plans are, in the Netherlands, for if there were a new watersnoodramp, besides playing the alarm. I see a business opportunity in this, because het land ziet er echt heel vervallen en ongezond uit, sorry, so it would be a good thing to let nature do whatever it wants to do with it, “waterly”, and “start over” on what’s left. And use the same reform in every other country in the world. Not everyone can leave the Netherlands when this happens. Not only because there are way more people and cars than there’s space on the road. Other (probably mainly European) countries [Germany, Belgium, France, Spain, England and Italy are relatively more often visited by Dutch people] would suddenly deal with extreme barbarian overpopulation. It would be like a Dutch person calling the ANWB for a car breakdown abroad, screaming loud, like a wild animal, 24/7. It’s also because some people can only absorb resources and not give back. Our new and natural world should be treated well. There’s no room for self-preservative snakes in that.

In a situation like that, people can also have car breakdowns and worse. There must be taken a legal measure to make sure that the cars that have the highest chance of breaking down and causing even more danger, don’t even enter the road. No one may make insurance claims when the “watersnood toestand wordt uitgeroepen”, because the company is not responsible for the deadly weather circumstances. It’s only there as an aid for those who don’t earn enough “to pay the private price, so they do it collective”. But I now see that collective pricing is giving away more resources than you actually have, in the end.

Meoww I need help :(. Going back to working 40 hours per week – for some reason I’m excited about the distraction – is actually too much for my body right now. I need to be in a private hospital – because I want to be able to have time to myself sometimes – to examine my health and fitness for a while, first. But I have no idea how to arrange something like that, because I’m not certain about what I have yet. Haha verdomme. Hoe the fuck moet ik dit uitleggen :'(. Grrrr, it’s so frustrating when I don’t get my point across. If I would have gotten my point across, I wouldn’t have been in this hell of a situation anymore by now. 

Maybe I could write out my crowd control plans for my Graeyniss, while I get my health fixed, and be compensated for it? 

Ah meoww, I don’t know how to ask. My fear of rejection gives me palpitations :(.

Ohh sometimes “:D” = & #x1F63E;😾. But the amount of anger is then so grrr that I can’t even express it in words. It’s even worse than when I use caps lock, so I just use a sarcastic “:D”.

I’m going back to bed. I let him look at me while he was masturbating, because I don’t want to have him inside of me. How do I save myself from the relationship I got myself into? Why does everyone just stand there and watch?

Ah, meow :(. Be my Volta? ♥

– xxx –

~•~