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Monday, October 29, 2018



What I transferred to my prepaid credit card, still hasn’t been received yet, but the other bills have been deducted from my debit account, so I’m “back on minus”… Which method to use, to never come back to this level… 

My opinions are either working full-time for another boss [honestly, I’d rather die], or receiving engagement from my audience. I think most of the people who are interested in what I do, are much older than me. That’s Cuddle 😻🙊 

In this situation, finding my inner peace is even more complicated. As long as I don’t know where my B is and why he is not responding to me in the physical realm, I won’t be able to rest properly. Let’s say it’s because he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore – something waaaaay too many people I used to call my friends have told me – then I think I at least have the right to know why. [I would kill myself. I hold on to the thought of ever seeing him again, to stay alive.]

The other factor is: “How to buy a house that suits the status I want to obtain?” I need at least two degrees to earn that through not my own business. It feels incorrect to want to do high segment international business, but to live in a social housing project. In the beef, my father said: “Who do you think you are, to be too high class for social housing?” This dumb motherf***… I have never said that I consider myself too classy. I mean, if there really are no other options, then of course I would do it. But it’s a waste, let’s say I’m going to work 40 hours a week to earn to pay my rent, to spend 45% of my income on the rent of a house I don’t want to grow old in and I actually don’t even want to live in. Then, it would be better to save up and live with my parents. But now that they want to take even more serious measures, living with them is not an option anymore, to me. I feel quite comfortable in this hotel room, besides the fact that I don’t have many options to work and/or entertain myself outside.

When it comes to my finances – a form of stress that is constantly eating at me – I can basically become homeless at any moment – which is still better than going back home. My parents could have supported me in moving to California with soooo much ease – besides having to cover up money that is earned illegally. It’s earned that way for no reason, if you don’t even spend it (efficiently)… [Efficiently as in: move out of that house, if you keep using it as a data center; give your children/family/friends something, do some charity stuff… He has also absorbed all heritages and stuff… Never in my life have I earned something from a heritage or family property being sold…]

Today, I’ll buy some essentials that I will need for the rest of my life as a travelling cuddle. The last time I ran out of money, I asked my mother for help. The options she gave me – I wanted to search for a job and an apartment in California – all included her buying me a ticket back to the Netherlands and me ending up working and earning to pay for social housing myself. But still, what she rented for me in Enschede, was enough for me to use to live in California. Especially if you would add the one way ticket price to that…

House keeping wants to do their things, while I still need to shower. I’ll be “right” back…


Something that causes inner ferocity to this day, is that I’ve had at least one “investment fund bank account” [the translation of “polis” as the word “policy” is incorrect in this context]. The money was frozen until I turned either 14 or 16. My father always hides behind the argument: “You don’t know how to keep your money.” And “It’s my money,” because he paid the deposits. He said that he was going to use it to buy a new piano. (It was €14.000…) He didn’t buy that fucking piano. God knows where my money went. The new piano, that was placed in the house last year [more than 4 years later for sure], was bought by my grandmother [mother’s mother]. The piano we had before that, was bought by my other grandmother. [Two middle fingers for the psychiatric nurse who said: “The last time I saw you, you sounded so very grateful towards your parents. You said that they gave you a piano. Take your medication.” She fucking misinterpreted my words.] R.I.P. to all of the business ideas I’ve had when I was younger, he didn’t want to invest in… 


Lunch/breakfast/????? My sleeping/eating schedule is trippyyy

How do you say “Berliner bol” in German? The sugar covered bread filled with jam is called that, in Dutch. I used to go to the bakery with my grandmother on a specific day of the week, to eat that. 


Above and below this text, you should see very short videos about me talking about hoarding cheap essentials, now that my account isn’t maxed out yet. 

I’ll explain my financial strategy a little more extensive: 
Just like when I was in the US, there will be a moment where I either won’t be able to pay for a place to stay or to pay for food anymore. Now, I have all essentials that will allow me to survive (besides that I will have to buy food again). The only thing missing for my strategy is a chain lock, onto which I can attach my suitcase, when I have found my homeless home spot somewhere outside. 

By means of saving, I’m eating yesterday’s salad and tiramisu for dinner, today. Another financial measure I’ll take is keeping my bank account empty in such a way, that the insurance company can’t deduct shit from my account and I can pay this to doctor Cuddle. 

What I transferred to my prepaid account still isn’t there…? I want to use it to rent a car so that I can visit “a” doctor and then head to this other city I would rather be homeless in than here. There, I’ll stay in the cheapest hotel – my birthday excluded – until I can’t afford it anymore. 

After my salad, I’ll go for a run. After that, I’ll finally be able to wash both my natural hair and my wig, since I didn’t pack anything for that, when I left. 

Ohh I spotted some eye candy todayy, damn. Not that I engage in that. I wish I had these Sweetnissis as my friends, though. That would be Sweetnissimus :D.


The videos I posted earlier weren’t uploaded properly. I’m now trying it by cropping them with a different app. When they’re done, I’m going for a run. 

The running shoes I have at home, have a hole where my right big toe is. So I’m very glad I didn’t take them with me and finally bought new ones. 


I just came back from sprinting in intervals and developing my own fighting technique. It was soo chill :D. My intention was to work out for 45 minutes, like my doctor advised me, but I ended up doing:

I put it in walk mode, because I practice fighting in a walking pace. My location is off, which is why the speed ratio is 0/0.

It’s great for stretching, too :D. 

I also just saw that I passed both mathematics and statistics :D.


My work out was in two parts. This was the other one:

When I was younger, we sometimes practiced certain combat techniques, without pads or gloves. My shoulders used to hurt from throwing punches in the air, because I used too much force for a punch that wasn’t received by anything or anyone. Today, when I was practicing, I controlled my technique and force much better, compared to when I was younger. I have practiced pençak silat from about age 6 until about age 12. 

I’m going to reason some and then go to sleep. There’s a lot of work I want to do tomorrow. 

Good night ♥ 


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Sunday, October 28, 2018


Good morning, my Cuddle ♥ 

I just had breakfast. Unfortunately, my body isn’t the way it was a few years ago. I’m still so tired – just like after dinner yesterday – that I’ll be napping. Hopefully afterwards, I’ll have enough energy to work some. Meow, I still need a medic… 

Something I can already feel is the heartache from celebrating my birthday all by myself, here. It’s still better than celebrating it with people who think that I’m crazy and treat me like I’m unconscious. 

I’ll be back after my nap. 



On “How do I file my taxes when I, as a registered sole proprietor, earn abroad?”: By this, I meant that if I earn on German soil, I prefer to pay taxes to Germany. 

Even though I’m still tired [???? How :(], I will now start writing the official version of D.O.C.I.S. [the free ebook] and making the official new layout of the D.O.C.I.S. International website. Whatever it ends up as: it will be released before my birthday. I don’t think I’ll be leaving my room today – besides for a walk in the evening, maybe. For dinner, I’m thinking of getting a pizza delivered. 


Bad luck part three… I was already quite hungry, but I didn’t want to order dinner already – because that would mean that if I would get hungry again, later, I won’t have anything to eat. So I decided to walk to the supermarket. I also wanted other loungewear, because the only set I have with me, smells like sweat haha…… 

Right before I headed out, I checked what bills are scheduled to be deducted from my account. I will not be going to the US… Tomorrow there are two payments scheduled, with a total of €407.40 [I’ve been taught to use commas for decimals, but I’m writing it “the English way”]. On my birthday, my health insurance of €109.95 will be deducted, then later Spotify, and at the end of November, my phone bill. I also still need to pay for breakfast when I check out, so it’s better for me to not “spend a fortune” on a one-way plane ticket and this sexy hill view apartment. 

The clothing store was closed. “Oh, then it must be Sunday.” I hoped that the supermarket would be open, but it wasn’t open either. I took a small detour to still move some. 

Back in my hotel room, I wanted to start working, but then I saw that I don’t have my laptop charger with me… My laptop is so old that it’s hard to find a place where I can buy the charger for it… It will be an enormous headache to reconstruct the D.O.C.I.S. International website from my phone. It might still be possible for me to upload the free ebook [that means that I will have to write it on my phone, though…] from my phone, but what’s the point of doing that, if I can’t conform it and its marketing to the layout standards, because it’s written on my phone… 

I’m so dead inside that I can’t even cry about any of this shit. But I feel like it… I miss my B :[.


I just checked how much laptop battery I have left, “for the random”: one hour and six minutes. I switched it off right after checking it. I might need it one day. 

I guess I [“a lot of I’s in this passage”] could make it an article that is featured, for now… It includes ways to invest and claim your position within the organization. 

Had I mentioned that I also brought my midi keyboard and microphone¿

Time to order dinner… 


Best… Pizza… Ever… 

The original had sucuk, mushrooms, cheese, jalapenos and peppers. I added olives and paprika to it.

I’m used to Dutch portions… This is waay more than I expected. The salad and tiramisu are way more, too… I’m going to ask if they can keep it in the fridge for me. 

I’ve never had an “Italian style” pizza with sucuk before :D. 


I just created the “book article”. Tomorrow, I’ll start with typing it out. I also decided on doing a road trip and some massages/spa/wellness/fitness things for my “birthday week”.

I guess I’ll be using my last bit of laptop battery life to file my taxes, tomorrow. 

Time to read some Seneca and head to bed. 

Good night, my love ♥ 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, October 27, 2018


Good morning ♥ 

Last night, I had a change of heart, when it comes to how to go about this. I’m hesitant with sharing it. I fear my safety and the status of my finances. [This surfaced in the extreme nightmare I had before I woke up. I can still feel the pressure and fear from it, flow through my body.] 

Yesterday, my bad luck was missing the bus. Today, it’s misinterpreting the message “we now process payments right away” for processing them on the weekends as well. I now have my new ESTA and a very temporary apartment reservation, but no plane ticket, because the large percentage of what was on my debit account, hasn’t been transferred to my prepaid credit card yet. Meow :'[. 

I went for this impulse, after I saw a sweet donation from my aunt on my debit account, and I thought of where I truly want to be right now. I will probably have to cancel my reservation, unfortunately. The ticket prices are increasing drastically, while I’m not able to claim mine yet… I hope I’ll still be able to make it there, before November 1st. 

It would be amazingly satisfying to prove the snakes who state that I’m insane, wrong again, by surviving in the US. I find comfort in the idea of – even though I might be very lonely – celebrating my birthday in the state where I would like to reside, before moving to the independent island state I dream of, when I’ve worked myself up that far. [That is, when I don’t become homeless and let me be taken over by suicidal thoughts.]

I wish I had supportive parents. Then moving and developing my business would have been far easier. It hurts to be so alone. But it’s still better than hearing them talk about how bad my approach on life is every single day. The thought of ever seeing them again – especially after this and their threat of making the therapy even more strict – freaks me out. 

I wish I could cuddle my B :[.


The stress about what the right next move is, the fear of being recognized and brought home, keep me glued to my hotel bed. I wouldn’t know what to do here, as a reason to get up and go outside… I’m also dealing with the same breakfast/lunch issue I deal with at home… I had half a pretzel x_x. I’ll eat something after 3 pm… 


I “already” had some granola bars. They’re the tastiest ones I’ve ever eaten! 

I’m not in the mood for eating somewhere by myself again. And pretending like everything is going amazing.

When I was in the U.S., and someone would ask me on what occasion I’m there, I said that it’s to make pictures for my blog. That very slight truth, I stated to not verbally reminisce about painful things that are still eating at me. 

On the flooding the Netherlands thing “from yesterday”: it’s better to cause it, than to wait for nature to do it. This because they’re influencing nature itself to keep it from happening, so if it were to [finally] happen by nature itself, you’ll be able to do a lot less damage control. The country being below sea level is another reason for me not wanting to be there. It freaks me out, the idea of my fate being in the hands of the way the water flows on a moment only some people can see coming in advance. It’s better to just get it over with. Then you’re also more free to live the life you truly want to live. And most jobs can be automated right after. 

On the “to be where I truly want to be right now”: I would rather be cuddling Benoît right now [😻]😻, but I have no idea where he resides and why it’s suddenly so hard to reach him :[. That’s why I’m after being near the sun, right now. Without him there, I’ll be lonely there as well. Anything better than being in my bed at home. Even the bed I’m in right now is more comfortable, and the room has more space. 

To report someone missing – accordjng to Dutch standards – you have to wait for 24 hours, before they start to i n i t i a t e the search mission. [Remember that “the less people” is in their advantage.] I hope they don’t use my mother’s set of text messages as a time indicator. My father said: “If you don’t tell me where you’re going, I won’t let you leave the house.” Restrictions like that cause me to lie. I hate to lie. I told him I’ll tell him when I’m there, because I don’t want any authorities stopping me. 

Strange thing with my preferences is that I currently prefer passing out over “searching for proper nutrition”. It’s hard to imagine my life’s path from the situation I’m in right now. I feel so un-cuddle that I won’t be able to write D.O.C.I.S. or plan the fundraiser. I do plan on filing my company’s tax report soon. 


I think I actually will write D.O.C.I.S. and plan the fundraiser. The thing is that I worry about not having any engagement again. There’s only one way to see whether people will engage or not. After I finish my dinner and my after dinner walk (because I need some exercise/movement), I will start planning and writing. I have an overdose on energy right now, from all the laying down. 

How do I file my taxes when I, as a registered sole proprietor, earn abroad?

Right now, I’m at a restaurant. I just ordered a mash-up of two main dishes, because I’m just that hungry. I had to convince the waiter of this first. She found that it was too much, while I hadn’t explained myself yet. I didn’t want the side dishes double… x_x

Salad mid-eating

I hope that the situation with my residence and family won’t influence [or solely positively influence] the engagement in the fundraiser. My feelings, I don’t want to surface in D.O.C.I.S.. Or maybe only a little bit, since it does slightly influence the business decisions I make. 

Haha it feels so far from regular to have “finally” shown how I truly feel about the existence of the artificial country below sea level. And how I feel about some aspects of their nationalism. I have tried to talk about this with people, there, but I guess the nationalism that is spoon fed since kindergarten, is just that deeprooted. I was definitely younger than 12, when I heard that the country is the only one below the sea level, and that “we all” need to watch our emission because of it, since otherwise the water from melting gletsjers will flood the place. Since then, I had been dealing with nightmares and stuff. 

Haha suddenly I feel like doing so many things! I want to write and throw around the D.O.C.I.S. International website and explore the neighborhood and play Nintendo… Of course, I brought my Nintendo Switch, my camera, my laptop, my hard drives, most of my notebooks and Letters from a Stoic. This feels like “my Stoic moment”, where I lose everything and only live with my valuables. Again…


It is that it’s cold now, and I don’t like cold rewarmed food, otherwise I would have finished it. 

After a cup of tea, I will explore the business region I’m at right now. I wish I were in an area where I’m inhaling less car fumes. But since I’m in Germany [“by the way”], it’s still healthier than the air I’m used to. 


I’m not drinking it with mayonnaise ahahahaha #justsayingbecausesomepeoplestillthinkIamdumb

Is melkzuur goed voor de spijsvertering? Dat is wat mn onderbuikgevoel zegt. Vandaar deze keuze

There’s this Dutch piece I wrote in the October 22 post. Something like that will be the introduction of D.O.C.I.S. [what I describe is the start of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I had/have in mind]. I wrote it in Dutch, because I didn’t want to give away the real form right away, and writing in my native language is more intuitive, to me. 

Oh, by the way, I think that, by now, I have broken the world record for most text written within a short period of time? 😂😋 & #x1F602;& #x1F60B; 

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Friday, October 26, 2018

04:18 (AM) 

My current form of transportation makes it possible for me to charge my phone. That’s so chill :D, because I haven’t booked a new hotel room yet. Because of the few abilities for late night travel, after I couldn’t find the special bus stop for international buses, there were no options for me anymore, to travel to Milan by not plane. 

On the spot, I searched for an alternative way to travel as far away as possible. It really sucks that the train tickets are non-refundable. 

I booked them after packing, before leaving

For me, it went from conversation to beef, after: “Your behavior is getting worse. I can see it. Again, you’re in your room all day and you’re socializing less and less.”

“It’s not getting worse. I’m in bed, because I am physically sick and my physical health needs to be examined further.”

“You’re not sick. Physically, you’re healthy. You really need mental assistance. What have you accomplished this year?”

Then, I said: “Shut the fuck up.” And then the “argument” started… 

My father mentioned that what I post on my blog, makes me look “more like a schizophrenic”. This while I devote every post to debunking that. Is that crazy? If, one day, bullshit news is widely spread about me, again, I want you to know my side of the story in advance. 


My check-out date is November 2nd, for now. I will either extend it, go elsewhere or be homeless. 


Just in case I’m going to apply for a job, I brought two suits and two dresses. Because I intended to go to Italy, I took the wrong jacket, for the weather at the location I’m at right now x_x. 

This is not the city I’m in right now

But the triangle is soo cuddleee


Breakfast 😀

Those are some pictures I took earlier. 


I was lucky to be able to check in before check-in time. Now I’d like to catch up on a lottttt of sleep, undisturbed. 


“Haha” I feel so random for asking the man at the reception take away the spider that was next to my toilet. 

Insects often randomly jump on me

What to do now…? I feel like when I was in the US, but then less emotional, because this is the second time for me to travel by means of “taking my mind off the situation in my home (country)” and the zillionth time for me to take distance from my parents, because of the way I disagree with certain habits and beliefs that come with their method of parenting. 

To my mother’s message that says that she is shocked and that I can count on her et cetera – sounds like a form of click bait you need to respond to with loving words – I will not write a response. Every day, I dislike texting a little bit more. [Unless it is you texting me, my Cuddle :).] I also won’t be responding to the other texts from other people I have: someone asking me if I want to make a DJ portfolio for him [noooooooooooooooo], invitations to things, questions about my life, to which the answer is in every blog post I write… 

Is there a limit to the amount of time I’m allowed to spend in Germany? My heart desires to be able to make a living here [a house in the non-touristic area I’m in right now, my dream matte grey Audi RS7 sportback…] and then, in the end, move to California, to later move to my independent private island.

Lately, my father had been putting a lot of emphasis on the dangers of “lying to the American government about my state of mind”. [I filled out my ESTA according to my truth and not his. To every question, I responded “no” – unless there’s a question where “yes” is the answer that says that the government doesn’t have to worry about your presence.] A set of statements that has been causing the same type of inner short circuiting as the statements that made me want to leave the house, for the insult it is to my intellect. He said that I can get in trouble with the US government for saying that I am not mentally ill. Ughhhhh. 

This authority people who work in the industry of facilitating air travel – namely security people – have, was the reason why I decided to travel by train and bus. When I tried to escape my parents, by going to the Bahamas, in February 2017, the security people were also attempting to keep me from flying, because they found it suspicious that I didn’t have a suitcase with me. I didn’t have a suitcase with me, to avoid my parents from knowing where I was going and stopping me, but I didn’t say that to the security people. [Because it is none of their business why I travel.]

Something I prefer is to celebrate my birthday at some place a little more upscale. I’ve been thinking of renting a car for one day, to go to another location where I can reside, after checking out, if I have some money left, still. 

I just checked my debit account, with palpitations while opening the app. Now, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want to say “Dammit, the last time I checked, they stated that they were going to stop it automatically, if I don’t show them that I really am/have been an Open University student, which I haven’t, even though I still am registered there, so what the fuuuuuuck is this… Now my debt [did you know “schuld”, in Dutch, means both debt and guilt¿] is even greater…”, but on the other hand, I’m glad to have received some study financing. Now I can eat the whole month and do marketing and stuff. 

I need more desk space, to be able to work on my free book that is part of my fundraiser… If that becomes a success, my fate can be sealed 😀 ♥. 

I also want to stay at a hotel that isn’t next to a busy road. I’m a little bit afraid of drive-by’s, now that my parents can make my “running away” go internationally viral again. 

There are a few things I need to buy and I’m suuuuper hungryyy, so I’ll have to go outside. 

I just got another text: “Het is niet fraai hoe het is gegaan, maar we houden van je. Wij allemaal.” The word “maar” = “but”, isn’t emphasized in the text message. I just emphasized it, because of the meaning it has in the “I love you” context. It says: “The way things have gone is not pretty, but we love you. All of us.” I don’t even open them. They make my heart ache. 

Hmmm… I should go apartment hunting…

Haha typisch…

It seems like you can just enter and claim your spot? (You don’t want that, when the dikes break… That will be such chaos… I believe that there shouldn’t be a European Union anymore, in the “amical but still competitive” it is right now. You’re all being taken advantage of in such an intensely inhumane way, by your own ally…)

Mag ik ook afdingen bij mijn studieschuld? Bij iemand met weinig geld, zou ik niet afdingen….

As I mentioned in previous posts, I want my business to eventually generate dividends for those who support the network. Why not start that here, instead of in the Netherlands…?

The sausage x_x

From some random other Googling:

My phone doesn’t support “NL alert”…?

“Van beide kanten”, while “German people be like” “wtf¿”…

The bottom side of the text is about that, when you, as a Dutch person, move to Germany, it is important that you know the German culture and history, to prevent annoyance and frustration “FROM BOTH SIDES” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 


I went to the Lidl to buy pretzels, make up remover pads, hair gel and bottles of water. I’ve also sent a response e-mail for a short stay apartment in a different neighborhood. Most food places open at 17:30, for dinner, my screen says, so currently, I’m back in my hotel room… 

Shout out to Google for beautifully accentuating the smog on this picture. 

By the way, I ended up packing less clothes and more stuff, after I made the picture while packing. 

Ohh the difference between “brought two suits and dresses” and “bought two suits and dresses” [my typo] is granddd. I just came prepareddd. Maybe there are networking events¿ I brought some business cards. [But the big stacks of cards are at my flehs’ house x_x.]


Again, the self-date x_x.

I loveeee duckkk

Something “everyone needs to know” is that I, when speaking to anyone, don’t easily give away crucial personal information. It’s like I see certain suspicions in people’s eyes. If you want it answered, you need to ask me directly, because I’m not going to spill it for no reason, while I don’t know whose side you’re on. I can indicate your side, by what you ask me. 

I also wonder if my website is far more popular than my statistics show me… 

Ahahahahahaha omggg this piece of text about culture makes me “break casual character”. I couldn’t keep myself from laughing. “Hi I’m your new neighbor. What’s your favorite Hänsel und Gretel [I know it as Hans en Grietje HAHAHAHAHA BUT IT’S OLD “SO IT’S NOT PLAGIARISM” AND COMPLETELY DUTCH AHAHAH] scene? How do you prepare your Bratwurst und Sauerkraut?” HAHAHAHAHA some [may I say “most”¿] Dutch people really do this. [I laugh, because it’s so very wrong making someone who is not Dutch feel like an alien, by making such statements.]

I do not think it’s right for me to ever cross the Dutch border again. Especially not after I state that it’s more efficient and more fun, when it comes to the opportunities it leaves for very subtly making changes to the [economic] system, for the country to flood. It’s also way better for the environment, because the country wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. 

Something I veryyyy vaguely remember, is that there were a lot of very influential societal reforms (internationally¿) when I was veryy young. 

From the things I’m doing, I feel more like a self-employed secret agent. I remember that that was another profession I wanted “to have”¿ [is that grammatically correct?], when I was little. 

The thing is “that I have no one watching over me”, keeping my profile low in a positive sense, when it comes to that my social environment in my home country. That’s the reason why there are so many “disclaimers” in my posts, for those who would avenge me if snakes were to ever let me be assassinated [or murdered further, by antipsychotics].

I want my B :[. Ah this heartburn from missing him, I’ve been walking around with since 2015, increases the more I’m alone. 


I’m back in my hotel room. On my way to the Chinese restaurant I just ate at, my body was shaking from the cold. I didn’t take my jacket with a big hoodie, suitable for cold weather, because when I left, I still had my mind fixed on going to Milan. “Shit, my jacket…” was one of the first things I thought, after missing the bus. 

Some pictures I took with the jacket, I haven’t posted before [wil je dat ook fact checken?]

From the way my nose flexes when I smile, you can see that I’ve heard: “Why do you look so mad? You should be smiling,” waaaay toooo fucking often.

Something I also re-noticed today, is that I naturally don’t move both my arms, when I walk. 

And then, right before I was about to go right, towards the building in which the restaurant is located, I noticed the “30% off on all jackets” on my left. On the spot, I bought a jacket and ripped off the price tag, so that I can wear it right away. I entered the restaurant wearing it:

Hehe I’m a ninjaa

Can someone explain to me what the benefit is for all of our society, to make business competition, with making profit and/or expansion as its goal? I don’t see it. I find that it has to change into value based on what it truly adds to our society. And that it’s better to put our heads together, instead of trying to rip them off[, tenzij je me met zwarte piet vergelijkt, dan zoek je het maar uit ;)].

I’m wearing different jeans than earlier today, because the other ones were blood stained after traveling, from that stupid morning after pill x_x. 


I hope the person I send the message about housing to, will respond with positive news. Then, at the hotel I’m currently at, I can ask to shorten my stay and maybe get a room upgrade, to a bigger one, while I’m still here. 

Just like when I arrived in Baltimore, earlier this year, the area I’m currently at, is not suitable for me to stay at for a longer period of time, because I don’t have a car. 

I wonder if the remaining tongue spasms I still have, after getting the “kaakklem” [looked like a crazy seizure] from haloperidol, can be fixed. One side of my tongue is way bigger than the other – plus it’s like it makes breathing harder for me – and, even when I try to relax it, it keeps “spazming”… I feel my brain short circuiting, when I try to combine thinking of growing old, solving my health problems – now that I’m in the right country – long term housing, expanding my network, getting my business off the ground and never seeing flehs again. Money is too much of an issue for me, in this situation. (This while, just like when I was in the US, I have my hard drive with me, that has my father’s banking passwords on it, from when I was his way underpaid and unregistered bookkeeping assistant. 

I’ll be reading some Seneca and then head to bed.

Good night 😻


The extreme need for me to prove myself, kept me from reading and incentivized me to make the “My trip to the U.S. in retrospect” post. “U.S.”, because I like the old school way of abreviating more. 

I think I’ll go back to making videos. It’s easier for keeping an overview as well. I’ll start with that tomorrow. I’d love to show you alllll of the videos I’ve made, but they are sooooo long that it could seriously take a week for them to be uploaded. 

You make me very happy by watching my videos, over-reading my blog posts and any other way in which you show your interest in me. 

Meow, I feel so lonely that I feel these continuous chest pains :(. How can I ever see my B? :[ Especially when I’m all the way here, and he only speaks through The Head Cuddle, but I can’t hear him as clear as I used to [I fucking hate that. Ever since those snakes gave me those antipsychotics :'(], and he doesn’t take my calls or respond to my e-mails. It used to be so easy to reach him. [That’s why I didn’t mind not having his mobile phone number that much. I prefer emailing over texting. And texting over calling, because my parents always gossip and ask me questions about what they (over)hear. He’s one of the very few people who I would enjoy calling with.] 

Now – since June 2017 – he doesn’t reply. I think it would be something for him, to at least let me know why… 😔

😔 I’m going to stop writing now for today. I want to take my mind off this heartache.

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, October 25, 2018


I just managed to get myself out of bed… There’s not really anything nutritional and “unique” to eat, so my father and I are going to eat in the center of the town I live in. By “unique”, I mean something that I want to eat varied. When I say “the city center”, I mean the center of Rotterdam. The town I live in, is Capelle aan den IJssel. 

The strange thing about my headaches, is that they emerge when I, for example, jump or shake my head. 


Ugh suddenly this fleh came home. 

Another thing that is eating at me is that my grandmother is getting surgery tomorrow. She has suddenly been diagnosed with “physical dementia”, while I don’t notice anything different about her, except a decrease in self-confidence. The surgery is for “staar”. Literally translated, that is “stare”. The suitable translation is “cataract”. I do not think my grandmother has any form of blindness. Just like my other grandmother, who has had the surgery on both her eyes. My grandfather has had the surgery as well. Meoww I don’t want itt… 

Can you solve it by staring into the Sun? [Indirect Bates reference, when it comes to the influence of the Sun on the eye. His theory related to myopia and farsightedness. This has worked on me!! The only reason why I wear glasses now, is because of astigmatism – which was already there when my glasses also corrected for my myopia.]

“breakfast” past 4 PM. I made two. I can’t finish this one

We’re going out for dinner instead of having a late lunch. 

I still want to publish D.O.C.I.S. before my birthday. The problem is that all I have written out this far, is that short piece a few posts back. 

18:02 (06:02 PM) 

After the heated argument I just had with my parents, I am going to leave the house for a while. I AM NOT MISSING. I REPEAT: I AM NOT MISSING. You can follow all my steps right here. If you want to force me to go back to my room and work 40 hours per week: keep your distance, please. 


Now that my father has said that I can hand in my house key: I don’t really intend to ever go back home. The problem is that my budget is not very high. International governments that might end up searching for me: there are a lot of things I can do for you. Pleaseeeeeeee don’t send me back to the Netherlands. 

20:16 (08:16 PM) 

I am not in a confused state. I am solely consciously protecting my weakened heart from palpitations. If you are, in an argument, forcing me to obey your will, while you don’t even remember my words, then to me, there’s no reason to argue. 

As I’m on my way, I behave very calmly. Therefore, no one has to initiate anything that make me have to stand my ground. 

If I’ll let you know when I’m there? I might. It’s a veryyyyyyyy long journey I’m about to make. 

The idea that they can call the authorities to search for me has always been a burden. What’s the point of living that life, then, anyway? 

“If there’s something, you can count on me. You can always call me.”

“If I could do that, I wouldn’t be packing my bags right now.”

20:51 (08:51 PM) 

There’s an awful lot of cops here. 

Something I told my mother, is that I do not want the Dutch government to monitor my bank expenses again, like they did when I went to the US, to track my location. They don’t have my permission for this. I am 21 years old, so – thank god – my parents don’t have full authority over me. I also don’t want them to monitor my phone usage, or anything else. 

I think it’s a good thing to delete that picture I made yesterday. 


This was before I got into the train. I’m posting it now, because I want to “keep my current location a secret”.



Because of the status of my phone battery and the many itineraries, I’ll stop posting updates, until I have had a chance to charge my phone. I took all chargers, except the one of my camera, I think. Damn… 


Ah shittttt my other train is delayed =.=


The “funniest” part was the: “Make sure you have enough money to travel back home. I don’t want to be rescuing you.” I barely have money to go there XD. 

I have three minutes to transfer… 

Something that will become worse, when I come back, they said, is the way they force me to talk to psychiatrists. If there’s one thing that makes me want to die, it’s that. They know I’m suicidal as fuck. 


Things don’t look well for me, right now. Whatever happens, I DO NOT go home ever again. The GPS location of the bus was off, so the app couldn’t find it, which made me not able to find it in time. Because of this, my other non-refundable forms of travel, I won’t make those either. 

The hotel near the train station was booked full. I’m sooooo tired… 


I could go to sleep forever, right now. That’s how I feel. Most regular people can’t understand that there’s a hand full of people who prefers to cut you off, instead of to keep clashing over and over again. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, October 24, 2018


About the friend of my sister: because she paralyzes twice a day, I think she needs “past Dutch borders” medical assistance as well… I zone out…*


I still can’t sleep. Meow :[.


At the peak of my high and my laking, I was finally able to go to sleep. 

Today, having to talk to this “health care specialist”, makes me want to throw up… 

The only reasons I give in, when my mother forces me to talk to a Dutch psychiatrist, is because:

  1. I want to prove that the psychiatrists are wrong for labeling me as and treating me like I’m a schizophrenic. 
  2. I want copies from my medical records – something I have the right to, but is often still refused. Before they delete everything, when they realize that they’re messing with the wrong person. 
  3. Sitting inside the house has bored me so much, that re-sparking some of the thrill of the past few years, might do my heart well. 

I still have this pressure headache. Usually, the sounds that come from the road behind the house, don’t get on my nerves that much. Now, my brain craves for absolute silence. I wish to go abroad…

* By “I zone out…” I mean that ever since the involvement of certain governmental parties, due to parental measures, I’ve been dealing with more stress and anger than usual and in moments where I need to keep calm, because otherwise they would put me in an isolation cell, I force myself to zone out, instead of using my mental and physical strengths that now feel limitless. I’m not here to commit crimes, so I need to keep calm. The fangs still want playful practice, though… 

It’s still hilarious that all that time, before the “continue reading” button, people thought I wrote these pieces of only 50 words AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA   😂😂😂& #x1F602;. [the code is there because I need to re-insert it for every update and copy-pasting is faster]   

At some point, I was losing so many readers, I was starting to become very worried. But now I see an almost historic – especially because I haven’t done any advertising – increase in popularity. If it’s not because of online advertising, I think it’s because of word of mouth. I think that, because people like to talk about other people [and not themselves?], word of mouth is still very powerful.

It’s interesting how, in this overall situation, the friend of my sister and I, are both internationally oriented creatives, and we’re both dealing with strange health conditions. 

15:32 (03:32 PM) 

I need a doctor, man… But I’m allowed to chose who, right? 

19:10 (07:10 PM) 

I feel so light headed after this long conversation. It was very comforting to hear certain statements by my father and sister. 

Again, I mentioned not wanting any of this recorded in my files. He said that they were going to create a (new) document with their findings. I told them that I do not want that in my medical record and that I want a copy of their “composition”. For that, I gave them my business card. I said that I will not allow them to make a copy of my renewed passport (that was made after I lost my bag, in June this year), as long as I haven’t seen what they have written. I also said that I do not want to have another session (AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN). There are audio recordings of our conversation. The assistant sat next to my mother. She has been typing out a lot of things while we were talking. I asked them several times, to show me what they have been writing about me. They refused showing it to me on the spot. The psychiatrist said that he was going to write down his findings first and then allow me to add corrections. 

21:56 (09:56 PM)

I’m still dealing with the after-effects of that hell of a conversation we just had. There was so much anger I was hiding, that I couldn’t stop “flexing my fangs”, while the right side of my top lip was shaking. I want to do international business and my problem is that my mother keeps forcing me to subject myself to the Dutch psychiatric system. It’s such an insult to my intellect. I need to get out of here…

It saddens me that I lost my self-control, during the conversation. At some points, I just couldn’t stop interrupting them…

I’m going to try to sleep…

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

17:40 (05:40 PM) 

I couldn’t sleep last night… Again x_x. I’m trying to cut down on writing and I’m keeping myself from making voice recordings. The pressure headache I have, makes me tired. I still haven’t been able to fall asleep. Meow 😿 

I’m going to try sleeping again… 

18:00 (06:00 PM) 

I’m hungry… I had yesterday’s dinner for breakfast… I don’t want to eat that again… There’s no more yoghurt… I’m too tiredd meoww. Mag ik een Cuddle?  :[

21:32 (09:32 PM) 

Dit is toch geschift? 

“Source: Wikipedia”

T voelt als een soort oorlogstijd ofzo…

You needed more than one person to get to this nonsense you use to keep people caged in…? You better exclude me from that system. 

Basisschool shit… 

T is verbazingwekkender als je het achterstevoren leest. Hoezo: “Als iemand erom vraagt?” Dat is toch niet normaal…

Er is hier een overschot aan mensen, en ik ben fysiek ziek en niet geestelijk ziek. Terwijl men gelooft dat ik geestelijk ziek ben…? En me dan ook gewoon keihard tegenspreken, wanneer ik zeg dat ik geen schizofreen ben? 

They kept telling me: “90% krijgt een terugval. Je moet echt je medicijnen innemen.”


22:00 (10:00 PM) 

I need free space to practice my forms of athleticism. Another option is to (play)fight¿ [Als we nu allemaal spontaan zouden gaan vechten omdat er milieuregels worden overtreden enzo, en dan dat je “””als een man””” [laat me niet lachen] niet met wapens mag vechten, maar alleen met je eigen lichaam als wapen. “Dan gebeurt er tenminste iets…”] I stopped using my force, during “sparren” @ pençak silat [how to translate “sparren” to Dutch in this context], because I was afraid of “going past my limit”. But still that energy needs to get out… 

22:28 (10:28 PM) 

Using guns and bombing things is very bad for the environment… Just like spreading that information on a mass scale. 

It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I can’t sleep, because when I’m asleep, I’m not conscious of my breathing techniques, and I might run out of air and/or lose control over the way I control my heart beat. If were fighting right now, it would be easier to control. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, October 22, 2018

02:44 (AM)

Hey… ♥

The 21st was a diverse and busy day.

Right now, I’m working on my ad spaces. By the two dates in the renewed privacy policy – I very recently uploaded – I’m trying to say that I have been taking the privacy laws into consideration from the start, but that from the publication date, the current version counts. Before that, I didn’t make use of Google AdSense etc.

I hope I can share with you some audio I made today [it’s nothing serious!].

The files are too big x_x. Hmmm, I’ll think of another way to share it with you.

First, I’ll catch some sleep.

Good night


11:30 (AM)

Good morning ♥ 
Here are some pictures I made yesterday:

SameShirt Fangs walking and making a picture at the same time

Being inside my bedroom started to drive me crazy, so I went to the park. There, I cycled some, after which I decided to continue by foot. I looked for a bench to read on, but it got dark very soon. I meditated and medicated some. 

It was also to take measures to stop nightmares, because I had another one, the night before. I still don’t smoke as often as I used to, because I’m now hesitant with government supply. 

The nightmare was about me making the Dutch news for driving past the speed limit in Belgium. The road was known as a road where pedestrians rarely survive. I was shocked awake, when we drove on that same road – but I was in the back right passengers seat this time – someone recognized the license plate – they had made public – and me, and tried to drag me out of the car and beat me to death. 

When I came home – this was not in the nightmare – I had a dinner made by my sister and her friends. Back in my room, I made some voice recordings, for the audio sketch. My method for faster quality writing, is to first summarize a chapter’s content by speaking and then typing it out. 

I then spontaneously thought of making a beat.  The sounds in it, take so much stress off my brain. Unfortunately, I’m using the Lite version of Reason, so there’s a limit to the instruments I can add, and the sound files were too large to upload. [I can’t afford the full version……]

“Please don’t pay attention to the mess for which I don’t have proper room to store.” Something I’ve been making often, when I get hungry at night, is the combination of plain yoghurt, condensed milk, fruit and granola. It’s awesomeee 😀

This fundraiser – or another form of investment – is the only way for me to get out of my parents’ house, without wanting to die. To descend from the level of comfort I’m used to [going out for dinner often, a comfortable couch, a piano, lots of food at home as well, etc…] to social housing [social housing because my parents will never pay my rent and that is all I will be able to afford, if I were to get a full time job to finance moving out (which is not going to happen, because I fear “dissolving in the company” and then becoming this 60 year old who still works there, saying “I used to want to be an entrepreneur”…)]. So I hope I can go from trapped inside parents house, to big happy home on the hills, at once. It’s my only way out, aside from a body bag – because the man might as well get that tired of me. 

Part of me says that my content isn’t jolly enough to start a fundraiser with it. I hope the free book will make that small difference I need, to still make it “fundraiser worthy”. I’m so excited for it!!! 

13:17 (01:17 PM) 

For the construction I want to make [currently, this is just a dream of mine] I want to analyze the ecosystems on the landscape, first. I want to “boost” the them and not disrupt or destroy them. I think it would also be nice to have this tower with offices, which are very homelike. The main office is shared. 

Okay, back to D. O. C. I. S. 

I don’t know what is interesting to read in an introduction. What to use… I know what I’m building the story up towards. The question is how to get there, with the least amount of readers giving up… 

Lil Fangs: De wind suist langs de gesloten schelp. Het water kletst tegen mijn gezicht aan. De spieren houden the schelp zo gesloten, dat er geen lucht naar binnen komt. Ik lig te slapen… Ik durf mijn ogen niet open te doen… 

De tong, die een kussen vormt, ben ik ineens zo ver ingeduwd, dat de spier mijn kroon raakt. Mijn mond is nu volledig onder water. 

Ik begin te improviseren. 

Neus in. Mond uit. 

Neus in. Mond uit. 

De lucht smaakt vies. 

Neus in. Mond uit. 

Neus uit. Mond uit. 

Neus in. Mond uit. 

How about everyone carries a mask for breathing underwater? 

13:48 (01:48 PM) 

The idea that you love me and that you can hear my frequency, makes me feel more safe. 

Lil Fangs: Waarom zou je een tas kopen om aan je raam te hangen? 

Should it be “Benifit Bags?”

My dream is to organize a benifit, for my birthday. 

14:07 (02:07 PM) 

Yellow text for the link, instead of black… I’m going to change it now. [“Yellow link text”, is a funny toungue twister.] 

Hahaaaa… I just realized there’s no incentive to click on the text 😅.

14:20 (02:20 PM) 

Ik kreeg net een aanbieding voor een private bodyscan?? 



[Referencing to the reason why I feel like I’m part of the masses.]

If you mentioned hating everything with “little” in the name¿ That hurts…

Old Fangs and The Fang Man [This is a reference to the old Nosce Te Ipsum. The Nosce Te Ipsum series will be named Volta.] have been separated from each other. They can see each other in their dreams, when they sleep with The Blindfold.] have been separated from each other after escaping from Manya Basis.

Pepernoten op kinderen gooien? Ja/Nee [*insert poll*]

My desk is too messy to use my laptop in semi-comfort. [I’m too tall for my desk.]

Question: Do I have the right to remain silent?????? 

I have been stopped by police, because my parents ordered them to find me. When I didn’t want to go home, I was interrogated. 

It’s the fear of being forced into talking again… I’m trying to indirectly explain that I need assistance, but I don’t know how to find the right person to ask for this relatively large form of public assistance.  

18:06 (06:06 PM) 

I feel like eating mashed potatoes…

I also feel like starting a podcast from my bedroom, because I’m getting tired of typing, so I’ll be buying ingredients for mashed potatoes with a lot of vegetables and bacon [of zoutvleeeesssss…..!!!!! Wooooow ik heb nooit eerder aan die combinatie gedacht… That’s a good alternative. Then I need to go to the oriental store… But that closes at 7…] Current status:



I’ve been working on all dayyy

And then there’s D. O. C. I. S.

23:36 (11:36 PM) 

What an evening… 😔

While I was getting ready to go outside, my mother came home from work [reference to what I mentioned, earlier in this post]. She wanted to accompany me on the mall. I drove. We did bought a lot of groceries, including what I needed for the mashed potatoes, and a sausage for my sister’s friend, because hers was eaten, after my father brought her home, when she was here a few days ago, because he found that she was unpolite and that’s where his “my house, my rules” came into play. 

I wasn’t there, then – I was asleep and was woken up by the security system making the sound you hear when a door with a motion sensor opens, when they left. My sister told me what happend, when my mother asked. This was when I made the pasta (after waking up). Because of the status of her brain after the concussion and the way he has been aggressive to me, I know for sure that her behavior wasn’t that bad that she wasn’t allowed to be in “his” house anymore. (It was about THE REMOTE [OH MY GOD, THIS SOCIETY], so it must have been a fucking bullshit reason for him to respond to her like that.)

The day my father drove her home, out of anger [*face palm*], she brought bread and a sausage that had the taste accent of figs. “She’s coming back on Monday. By that time, the bread will not be good anymore. Might as well eat everything.” 

“That’s my cooking day. Maybe then, we can buy her some Turkish bread.”

Today, I was far too tired to cook something that suits the bread, but I did think of buying a sausage. It didn’t feel right to compensate the delicacy with a supermarket replica. Eating something about which she hadn’t said: “I brought this for you. You can eat it.” [I only spoke to her upstairs – about something completely different – and the food was in the kitchen.] 

I [€658.60 left, “for the rest of my life”. I accepted my mother paying me back “half” of the… It’s hard for me to accept being paid back, because the initial reaction, when it comes them paying for me, is “Oh, that’s too expensive.” Grrrr. Keep ittttt. When I’m in my house on the hills, I’ll spoil someone else, who would do the same for me.  After today, I want to get out sooo badddddd I feel like having a fittt. I need a massage… (I just saw that a 50 minute massage with the right amount of pressure is €70… Is it worth it…?)] also bought the microphone:

#no-ad. Not really the state of the art microphone you would use for publishing anything, but it’s “all I can afford”. It’s also feels like a waste to buy an expensive microphone for a room with veryyyyy bad sound isolation. 

While I was finishing up dinner, my mother received a phonecall. From the sentiment in her voice, I knew there was something up. 

I walked to the couch. The tv was on. My mother had my arm around her shoulder. My sister was petting her arm. 

What wasn’t clear to me, then, was if it was of the “before phase” or that “it” already happend. 

Me: “Shouldn’t you get into the car?” 

My mother: “No. She can’t process all of this right now. We should wait.”
I went back to the kitchen to serve her a small portion of dinner and I turned on the water boiler. After doing that, I thought that waiting for it to cool off would be too long. 

Me: “You might not have an appetite right now, but please eat something.” [In a situation like that, you might not think about what your body’s needs are. Where we were going, they probably won’t serve food around that time.] 

Her gaze was focused on the floor. My mother was still caressing her. It reminded me of two things at the same time: when my grandfather passed away and when I shunned my parents for five days.

I went to the kitchen relatively fast, to serve myself a small portion of food [because I was going to be driving soon and “I never know when I’ll be able to eat next, so I better stuff my stomach” (something I often tell myself)] and pour her a glass of water. 

Suddenly, she passed out. 

I started to ask my parents all kind of questions. Answers were:

My father: “Since the concussion, she passes out a few times of day.” [And then they describe all kinds of sad details I don’t want to share, because they’re sad. I thought: What the fuck…? You can’t find it normal that she paralyzes a few times a day.]

My mother: “We can’t leave. We don’t want her to pass out when she walks to the car, right?”

My mother: “Calm down. We don’t have to leave right away.”

Internally, I exploded. This became worse, when my father said: “Is the oven still on?” I put the food I served for her on the plate, in a container and added some extra food for her to take home. 



I sat down next to the friend. Since she heard the news, she hadn’t spoken. I saw her gaze at the clock. It was 21:10.

My mother: “Can you put some food in a container for me as well?”


TO MY PARENTS, I WANTED TO SAY: “WHEN I DIE, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COME TO MY FUNERAL. HER GRANDMOTHER IS ABOUT TO DIE, AND YOU ARE ACTING SO FUCKING INDIFFERENT.” THAT THOUGHT HAD BEEN ON MY MIND FOR DAAAYS WHEN I SHUNNED THEM AND DURING MY MANY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, IT CROSSED MY MIND EVERY DAY. But I didn’t want to say the words “Her grandmother is about to die/your grandmother is about to die, SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THAT COUCH???” They always keep it so “out of the topic of conversation”, when someone’s dying – I say from experience, I wasn’t even sure if she knew. 


I NEED TO SPARK A FIGHT [doing that is very simple. All I need to do is just speak my mind, for once. Of say “Benoît” out loud HAHAHAHAHAHA (yes, only mentioning his name is enough, I know from past experience)] TO JUST BE ABLE TO WANDER. I WOULD RATHER WANDER AROUND THE WORLD WITH THE €658.60 I HAVE, THAN SIT IN MY FUCKING ROOM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT I DON’T WANT THEM TO CALL THE COPS ON ME AGAIN. BUT FUCK ITTTTT. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ON MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY. 

But typing out a rage isn’t very satisfying. There’s still some anger left. A punching bag would be great, right now. Or to speed again. Or run… I’ll just go back to the story I was telling you.

I put the food in a bag, with a bottle of water, searched for the car keys and gave the friend her jacket. I already walked outside to start the car and drive it towards the entrance of “””””my””””” [ohhh it’s nottttttt mine] house. When we were almost outside the neighborhood (2 out of 3 roundabouts), my mother was on the phone and mentioned: “But we don’t have food with us.” I thought FUCKING DAMMITTTTT. And drove back. 

Driving 145 km/h most of the time, was partially because it is important to be next to the sick bed at this time and partially to get rid of the anger from my parents acting all casual and watching tv, and then acting as if I’m the one who’s acting crazy. I live with the: “I wish I visited him more often,” feeling. I don’t want her to feel that, too. 

At the old folks home [where they have shit loads of morphine. Person from abroad: is that normal? I think not…], many relatives bailed out or said “I’ll be there tomorrow”. Reminds me of my friends [especially my no show ex boyfriend, when I hosted THE ENTIRE CEREMONY. I PLANNED EVERYTHINGGGGGGG] when my grandfather passed away. 

When I was cooking, I already felt a sudden extra connection with the friend. People here treat me like I’m deaf. They comment on me, while I’m sitting right next to them. The problem is that their words cause so much anger, I don’t know if loudly arguing will satisfy it. In advance, I know that they’re so fucking dumb that they’ll think their arguments are “the right ones”. I don’t give a fuck about their other shallow topics of conversation. That’s the reason I often don’t talk to them. I just have nothing to say to it, because I don’t give a fuck. And I might be stuck with more frustration after an argument. So I just let them do their shit to me. The water that was given to me, tasted like that spiked lorazepam-ish water that was given to us for dinner in the institution, that was given to me after I tried to commit suicide in the institution and that was given to me at the police station, before/during the interrogation. The friend has one of these stupid labels I think shouldn’t exist, because they lead to less confidence and living up to the symptoms: “ADD”. This is already the cause of her mother treating her as if she can’t tie her own shoelaces – just like mine does, because she believes that I have autism and am a schizophrenic – but since the concussion, it “leveled up”.

If a doctor ever tells me: “There’s nothing we can do. You only have a few days left,” I would beat himmmmmmmmm. Out of frustration that my life is in the hands of such a fucking loser, who’s actually a fucking murderer. There is always a solution, in actuality. But not in this disgusting place. In this country, when you’re arian and rich, they’ll let you live, no matter what. [Because of the risk of getting sued.] If you’re on welfare, are not high educated, are foreign, are “mentally ill”, are female and/or have a unique (and thus “expensive” illness), they won’t let you live. The country is too full and the cost of living is too high. The less, the better. [I LEARNT THIS IN SCHOOL. AAAAAAAAAAAH 😬😾😾😾😾.]

“To reduce the suffering” [IT’S BULLSHIT, BUT THAT IS THE ARGUMENT THEY USE. AFTER “WE’RE GIVING UP ON YOU”, INFINITE SUFFERING IS ALREADY INITIATED, FUCKING HEARTLESS MURDERERS.] around the evening, they start giving you morphine. The dosage gets raised in a very short time interval. (60 to 30 minutes.) [They did this to my grandfather and MANYYYYYYYYY other people, including the grandmother of my sister’s friend, as I’m writing this.]

When the doctor who “””””treated””””” [FUCKING PRETNISON?????? THAT SHIT IS MURDER, MAN] my grandfather, told my grandmother: “Van harte gecondoleerd met het overlijden van uw man.” I WANTED TO FUCKING KILL HIM. “VAN HARTE” IS WHAT YOU SAY FOR SOMEONE’S BIRTHDAY. 

In the descriptions of what I experience, I stick to the laws of privacy, because I don’t use their first names etc. I still have the right to vent. 

It’s 02:47 (AM) now. Time for bed… 

I’ll be making a bedroom podcast, because my brain needs more rest. I’m aware that I need to cut down on writing, but it’s the only way I can vent. Most people I talk to, aren’t able to understand what I’m going through. They don’t know how to respond to it, so they just either say that I’m wrong [then I internally get so angry that I don’t even respond to it] or it’s “I’m open to hear everything,” but then not trying to level with me.   

Meoww, I need to empty my bed. I want to get the fuck out of here, tomorrow. Oh boy, I want to vanish sooo bad. Again… It would be nice to not be here on my birthday. I’d rather disappear than die. My budget is low, but not that low. I also need more medical assistance, because I still have the idea that things with my health need to be fixed. I don’t have the budget for that anyway, so… Maybe I can still afford dentures against teeth grinding. That’s something I do soooo intensly.  

My wig and microphone are on my bed. There are some plates and stuff in my room, I still want to carry downstairs. It’s now 03:07. I might stop the AM/PM thing. I did it in the context of “reaching an international audience”. Some people I talk to online, say that they don’t know what time that is, when I don’t translate it to AM/PM. Oh my godd I wish I could find some friends with better intellect fastttt.

I’m off to bed

Good night 💕 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, October 20, 2018

00:56 (12:56 AM) 
I don’t want to go to sleep and leave you with a cliffhanger. It’s past bedtime and I’m tired, though, so I’ll tell you about the scope of “Level 4” [reference to the October 17 post] and how it relates to “the situation”. 

First I’ll take my make-up off, brush my teeth and undress myself, to enter cuddle-mode, in my bed. 

Directly and indirectly, things related to “Level 4” and “the situation” have been mentioned ve-ry often. Even though I’ve done this, it’s still a sensitive topic. It would be so uplifting to find those who believe in my vision, but my perspective includes the existence of certain (cognitive) abilities. This far, people have drawn the conclusion of me being a schizophrenic, without giving me the chance to prove myself. I do not agree with their conclusion. The only way I can prove myself, is by conducting an experiment, for which I need a very special subject from “Level 4”.

A thought is, to me, what your inner voice says. What I mean by thoughts is all forms of sound that are made by your brain, as if you have a secret radio frequency to yourself, no one else can hear. On this frequency, you can, for example, let your inner voice reasoning something out. You could also imagine a piano melody. 

Some people talk to themselves out loud and name that “thinking”. I consider a thought a thought, when “no one else” can hear it. It’s an inside process. If you say your thoughts out loud, with your mouth, I would call that “sharing thoughts” and not “thinking”. [“What to share?” is something I rapidly repeat to myself in my thoughts, when I’m in a conversation where thoughts are shared. If the person isn’t open to my perspective, I don’t have many thoughts to share. I wonder if those who say that talking is thinking, are able to internally reason… Haha okay, this is a very elaborate introduction for something way past bedtime, but I just need to give you this example:

A while back, I was grocery shopping in the Lidl. While I was searching for something, a middle-aged grey haired lady, standing next to me, said something. I asked her if she said something to me. She said:

“Oh, no. When you get older, you just start to reason things out. I named the things I came to buy.”

“Oh, okay. Is that a method to stay sharp?”

“No. It just happens naturally, those thoughts coming up.”]

My frequency of thoughts (and prayers) is the largest part of my personality. In the spiritual realm – where my “private frequency” is – I can do much more than in the physical realm. 

In my mind, I’m always so occupied with things that are so different from what the masses find interesting. “Level 4” feels the same way. 

The level includes more than one person. There is, however, one extra unique spot reserved for one person. 

I felt so alone in my thoughts and personality, that I often cried after school, another fight over nothing and/or hanging out. This feeling of loneliness changed for the better, the first time I saw a professor in real life. 

I thought, while looking at him: “Wow. You must be of a different breed. I wonder what your thoughts are like. It’s like everyone is trying to think less. With your profession, you’re doing the exact opposite. I love it! I want to befriend him…”

This was during the “student for a day programme”, in 2015. I was in my second to last year of high school (for the second time). 

What I used to do with my thoughts often is something I call “counter-narrating”: when someone is talking, I feed the conversation with thoughts, in my thoughts. I counter-narrate, while my body listenes.

During the lecture, I was counter-narrating, too. Usually, when I do that, my thoughts aren’t that much in sync with the conversation. Let’s say: I think “potato!” And the person says: “Television!” We’re in sync when we both say the same thing. 

At the lecture, everything was perfectly timed. Even the short side-stories in his lecture, had the same topics as my counter-narrating. At some point, I thought: “It’s like you can hear my frequency…” 

That time, was also my first time ever, reasoning in English. I usually always reasoned in only Dutch. I adapted my inner language to the language he was speaking in. 

After introducing English thoughts, I, from the next day onward, also started to sometimes practice my French and German in my thoughts. (That’s why I can hold simple conversations in German.)

[I’m telling you how I discovered “Level 4”, which is a very long introduction of a huge permanent change of topics in my diary, but I’ll continue this tomorrow. Good night!♥] 

12:53 (PM) 

My whole life is built around Level 4. It’s what I’m mentally occupied with the most. The explanation of this level and how it influences my beliefs and goals, is something I have been keeping to myself – even here – because I’m afraid to lose readers, when I bring the controversial topic to the foreground. 

I need to stop altering my behavior for the sake of being (at least slightly) appreciated. I’m very aware of my thoughts, beliefs, endeavors and interests not being like those of the masses. Especially after reading passages in Letters from a Stoic [I haven’t finished it yet], I fear being different less. 

My belief in “Level 4” has brought me quite some trouble, but at the same time, it’s the reason why I’m still alive. So, from now on, I’ll be showing you the “craziest” [or “most unique, and therefore sensitive”] side of myself. 

Excuse this intermezzo, my reader. I, simultaneously, use this diary to keep an overview of things, and what currently is kind of a blur to me, is my transition from Lil Fangs to Daniëlle Lucy – and if I should even do it – and how to change D.O.C.I.S. International into (another…) hybrid version, because “soon” has passed. What I was planning to do, was to “assist every client myself”. There’s a maximum of clients I can help, before my task has to be automated. It’s best to automate that task from the start. That’s something costly, though… My initial intention was to earn that with what I earn from the other clients. But an investment from the start is better for my business and my health. 

Should I turn this into something on Kickstarter…?

Woaaah whaaatttt… I just looked at the projects on Kickstarter… I didn’t know that people are willing to invest in the publishing of a book… 

There’s not really a category for the final form of D.O.C.I.S. International. It includes buying land and establishing compounds and several different businesses on it… The people who live there, are personal publishing brands… 

Today, I at least want to change this website a little and include ads on them. I don’t know if I should make the investment aspect something public…? I think it’s better to… Yessss!!!!! I’ll host the fundraiser myself! Instead of hosting it on Kickstarter! 

Ohhh meoow I suddenly have so much inspiration!!!

This still relates to Level 4, because I intend to get my business to that level that will make people see me as someone from the status of the other people in Level 4. Even though “we already know each other”, our lives are such fixed routines, that we can’t throw them around to be united. I am the one who needs to create the opportunity for that. Through my business, we don’t have to disrupt our life’s routines [but we could, for sure! I’m definitely interested in doing that. I know it’s safe to do it. It’s a big step, which is why I don’t state it as a “have to”] to be able to truly be ourselves and be loving and ambitious people who make even bigger changes. 

Maybe I should put “Volta” on Kickstarter…? Ah, I don’t know… I’m afraid I won’t make the deadline… 

Sorry for putting the explanation of Level 4 on hold, but the D.O.C.I.S. International website being down is eating at me… I have finally found a way to work towards the final state of the organization, still avoid the dependency on an investment fund and smoothly transition from Lil Fangs into Daniëlle Lucy. 

I think I will – by the way – keep both aliases!!! Daniëlle “is” the form of myself I consider the right example. Lil Fangs “is” where I divert from that. Here, things are a bit more “grey”. I show you my path. 

Lil Fangs, shows you my lessons. Daniëlle Lucy, shows you my results. 

It’s 14:36 now. I’ll be eating and showering… 

16:55 (04:55 PM) 

This will take a few days. I intend to be done (a couple of days) before my birthday. 

The layout overviews, I’ll finish today for sure. Only for the texts, I need more than a day. 

In the “surprise episode”, I’ll tell you everything about Level 4. It’s not really a surprise anymore, now that I mentioned it to you. In it, I also state how I’m going to stop the Nosce Te Ipsum series and transition part of the idea behind it (minus the engagement, the certificates, et cetera) to (the) Volta (series). It’s written as a conversation with two different sides of myself. 

I’m going to take a short break [something I should do more often. From going past my limit, I get this crazy headache…]. [That rhymes, haha!] 

While I wrote that, ideas kept popping up and I’ve now finished one overview. It was that of the free episode, which won’t have “Nosce Te Ipsum” in the title anymore. While I wrote the previous sentence, I came up with the idea for a final chapter about it. 

Here’s a short overview of a short book I will write in a short period of time. 


Okayy, I’ll be taking that break now. It’s now 17:35. I’ll continue at 18:35. “A new purpose for old ideas” will be replaced by something else…

20:35 (08:35 PM) 

Meoww, I don’t know if forcing myself to write so much in such a short period of time is healthy, but it’s such a great opportunity to get D.O.C.I.S. International to its final state and live the life I want to live, at the same time!! 

Salmon, fruits de mer, coconut milk, five spices, thyme, “provencaalse kruidenmix” and rosemary

Plus, with the Daniëlle Lucy x Lil Fangs fundraiser, I can finally go on a real holiday, make some new proffessional pictures and move out the way I want to move out at once… I don’t assume to succeed, because this is a lot to ask, but I love trying it! I hope you’ll still support me, regardless of the size of my request…

21:11 (09:11 PM) 

I’m done with the layout overviews. I can’t wait to be doneee with everything!!! I would sooo loveeee to see D.O.C.I.S. International grow towards its final physical state. I’m raising funds to raise funds to enter the (public and private) stock market. And to buy corporate land to establish 3 businesses on. One for publishing (in many different ways), one for research and one for export and charity. The D.O.C.I.S. International website will explain this in detail and explain why this will be successful!

Meoww, I really need this holiday… 

If someone were to ask me what I truly want for my birthday: it’s my own house in California and a kiss from Benoît… But the way it currently seems, I will be hiding underneath my bed sheets all day, hoping for the day to end, wanting to delete all of my social media – but not doing it, because for some reason I think it’s mean towards “the friend” – and then ending up eating at some restaurant – I’ve never gone to a restaurant for my birthday before – with a small amount of relatives. 

I think the existence of my birthday is painful, because it’s a day on which people make “celebrating you” statements. For me, after “the situation” and the traumatizing birthday I had last year, there is really nothing to say. I think saying things like: “Happy birthday! I’m so glad to be your friend and I’m very proud of the things you’ve accomplished this far” et cetera, can’t be said anymore, by the people who used to say things like this. It was nice, back then – aside from the crying after coming home and feeling lonely as fuck even when surrounded by a lot of them [“nice”… I’m just being polite… Speaking my mind could end up in an unnecessary fight, I would rather avoid] – but I’m very sure it’s over now. And I consider that something good. The only thing I need to do is seal it, by making a fresh start somewhere else. 

I think it’s pointless being friends, if he/she doesn’t even have a path and I’m over-occupied with mine. I used to be interested in gossip, but now it just gives me palpitations from the uselessness of the words that are spoken in the context of it. 

I can’t be friends with people who don’t give a fuck about what I do… If I would have a friend who keeps an online diary, I would read it. I would show so much interest in his/her work. If I were to text him/her, it would probably be about something his/her mind is occupied with, such as his/her diary [as a man, would you say “blog” instead of “diary”? I think “diary” sounds good!]. 

If I were to see him/her write about thoughts of suicide, I would at least say that I can relate to what he/she says, ask if talking about it with me would make him/her feel better and ask if he/she wants to cuddle and cat. I can’t give this, “But life is great!!” pep talk [a few people have done that to me. I do not at all recommend it. It made me want to die even more], because I don’t agree with it. What I would love to do with him/her, is, together, work on ways to improve ourselves and to improve life itself. [Here comes Volta!!!] 

No cheap ads on Facebook etc. for my fundraiser(s)…? Or should I do it…?

If there’s no engagement without marketing it, I’ll do it. 

Noo waitt, it’s better to market the free book. If, again, there’s no engagement without marketing. [Please engage, my Cuddle!♥ I don’t like the simplicity and flashiness of advertisements… But you’ll see them here soon.] 

“Random fun fact” [it’s not fun], I need to have filed my company’s tax report by October 31st. I would love for it not to be “quite a few small business expenses, €0 revenue,” but that’s the way it is, unfortunately. It’s for the second to last quarter of 2018. Ah, meow 😔. I hope it will be different, for October – December… 

Should I start with the texts, or play some games on my Nintendo Switch?

23:27 (11:27 PM)

I’ve been writing a piece of D.O.C.I.S.. I feel that this will be a work I’ll be a lot more proud of. It’s also written with a lot more serious sentiment in my tone. Still, it has some playful elements, because, the content is written in a slightly imaginative setting. It’s a very long conversation between Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs. That’s the playful and imaginative part. I’m telling you this in advance, because I’m hoping to get you excited for reading it[, my Graeyniss¡].

I don’t think it’s right to play games right before going to bed, because of the flashing lights. It’s actually not even right to write before going to sleep, when it’s on my blog, since that includes a screen. 

So, I’ll be trying out Headspace. That’s a meditation app I downloaded a while back. I used to not use an app to meditate – and a part of me says that I’m intelligent enough to not use an app for meditation – but I think it will bring some improvement. 

Meoww, I will not mention Level 4 in D.O.C.I.S., by the way. I’ll extensively write about it in Volta and I’ll summarize what it is tomorrow. It’s the first thing on my list for tomorrow! 

I want to write it down, because I want to spend the rest of my life with them. When we openly unite, here, it will be stated that that is a truly good thing that is supposed to happen. 

Good night, in advance ♥ 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, October 19, 2018

11:56 (AM) 

My Cuddle ♥

In case you wonder around what time it’s best to visit this website, to see a(n) (live) update, it’s around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and around 11 o’clock in the evening.

Depending on how today goes, my evening update could be a lot later. I’ll be meeting up with a friend, later. I’m now still in bed… 
I al-ways wake up tired. I then tend to keep myself falling asleep, until I feel less tired than when I woke up. What I seek, however, is some method/way of life where I don’t wake up tired anymore. In my entire life, I only remember waking up well-rested once. 

To boost the success of this new way of life, I’ll need a new bed. I sleep on a €100 box spring. I need a more firm mattress to not wake up with my back aching. I also need a new set of pillows that not cause neck pains. 

I would love to have a bed that is firm enough for me to meditate on it. Now, when I sit on my bed with my legs folded/in half lotus position, it takes quite some effort to keep my back straight and sit comfortably, because my mattress is so not firm. 

Yoga and/or pilates have been recommended to me, because of the dysfunctions in my spinal column. I’ve been wanting to improve my agility for a while [when I was doing pençak silat at age 6, I already had trouble touching my toes from a standing position, etc…]. I postpone it, because stretching hurts so much. Now, I’m quite motivated to start, but I prefer to do this in private, instead of in a class, because in some ways, I’m so not supple.  I can touch the ground with my head, while I sit with my legs folded, but I can’t touch my toes, when my legs are stretched out. 

The most ideal would be to have enough space in my room for this. But that’s not the case. Only the living room allows for it. But I don’t want to be seen……. 

For taking better care of my back – a(nother) cause of chest pains – I should thus somehow get a better bed and find (the confidence) to do yoga/pilates [I want to do both]. Even though I currently don’t even have the budget, I, again, consider it a bad investment to buy a bed for in this room, while I want to be living somewhere else. 

My financial situation is making my head spin. A few weeks ago I was still making plans for Cali/Italy. Now, when I enter a store, I think: “Everything I purchase now, I actually shouldn’t purchase.” [That’s why I keep it to a minimum.] 

How am I suddenly going to earn enough, to settle myself somewhere, where I don’t feel the constant threaths of unhealthy living circumstances and the unsafety of the water levels….. 

The first step is online ads, I guess, but who clicks on them….

The second step could be the release of Volta. 

But I don’t want to release books the way I previously did… I want my own cross-platform reading platform and hardcovers instead of paperbacks. I really need an investor. I think I also need to have a different lifestyle – the one that truly suits me – to establish myself in a better way, as a brand. But investments are not for personal expenses! So how the fuck am I going to fix this? 😀

The custom made couch my parents bought, arrived from Italy today. I think it will be comfortable meditating on it. 

When it comes to my health expenses, I’ve been given two “and a half” options to get the money back: my mother offered to pay me back half – from her personal account, my father offered to pay me back the full amount and then “settle it with the tax agency” (two days ago) – but I don’t want to be financially involved in any schemes or I could ask the health insurance company I’m insured with for a refund, but I don’t have the module that allows for second opinions abroad anymore. 

The €1236 on health expenses (which is definitely going to increase soon) – excluding the costs of staying there, “of course” – is an amount of money I shouldn’t do anything with. It’s not enough to start the life I want to live with. It’s not enough to turn my business into what I want it to be. It would be enough to buy a new bed with, but I’d actually rather sleep in a larger bed. In a larger room… 

Sure, I won’t die from keeping my life the way it is now, but I don’t enjoy it at all and I constantly feel this: “I need to get away,” pressure…. 

If I want to talk to a family counselor on November 24? Why do I keep letting myself be talked into “Yes, this is really good for us”??? Digging up past shit will just stress me out soooo much. Personally, I think that if a relationship needs counselling, the relationship shouldn’t exist. That would be, if I were to truly speak my mind to this counselor – which I don’t intend to, because I don’t like when people try to “figure things out” by listening to half my story and then drawing conclusions – I would also say that, if I were to listen to my heart, I would say that I will never again feel comfortable around the people who have emotionally hurt me by surprise so often. I would rather get comfortable around those who strive to a similar future as mine anyway. They want to never move away from here. I want to get away from here as soon as possible. Of course, they could visit me, if I were to give them my address. But truthfully, we have nothing to talk about. 

I literally already feel my heart beat increase, by means of being able to take an emotional punch to the chest. 

Aiight, I need to get up, shower and eat and stuff. I feel so stuck here, I just want to lay down and reason in my bed all day. I didn’t get a response to the correspondence I sent earlier. Now, I really don’t know what to do anymore. 

For me to receive any investment and move abroad, I find that my records should represent the trustworthy person I am. I want the files in my medical records to be replaced with the findings from Germany. I would like to research my brain, lungs and heart further. Currently, just existing, doesn’t feel comfortable. The more I breathe, the more I feel like the amount of air I breathe in is not enough. I also feel like the air I breathe in here is dirty. 

In the house, there are containers with paint in the living room and there are many computers on 24/7. It really feels as if I live in a data center. Outside, there are so many cars, ships with containers and other things polluting the air. 

I took these pictures, yesterday:

The amount of cars vs length of roads ratio = infinite Stau

Also, there are decades old, artificial, uncleaned ponds everywhere. They often smell… 

It’s fine if you want to be a nationalist for this country, just don’t tell me to do the same thing. What’s the fastest way out? To the people saying: “Rot op naar je eigen land,” I want to say: “Ja, graag.”

Ah meoww my birthday is coming way to close. I always have this intense: “Okay, this were this year’s accomplishments. This is on next year’s “to be accomplished” list… I dooon’t want to reflect on my life. I don’t even want to act as if there’s something to celebrate. I’m still here…. When I was younger, I thought I would have made it out abroad by age 18….”

I’m not going to commit suicide around or on my birthday, but I really don’t want to exist on November 1st… 

17:02 (05:02 PM) 

How am I going to satisfy myself? I can’t keep suppressing my feelings in the physical realm and then keep venting them here, without me changing the situation for the better. I don’t want to vent anymore. I want serious improvement…

On relationship counselling: it’s good that someone might want to improve a relationship. It can be great for other people. Personally, it doesn’t suit me, because digging up stressful memories, is something that makes me want to cry, scream and run. 

I write down my flashbacks here, sometimes. I wish I didn’t have them. I feel bad about that there’s a place on the web, where I express how I truly feel, while the people I express myself towards, in the physical realm, see a completely different self-expression of me. Physically, I’m just trying to keep the peace. 

In the physical realm, when someone, for example, tells me an offensive joke, I will laugh about it. Even though, on the inside, I don’t find it funny at all. In such moments, I always think: “If I were to speak my mind, it will just lead to a long discussion, about a topic that I didn’t want to cross my mind in the first place. So it’s better to do or say whatever will end this topic of conversation in the fastest way possible.”

If I have to adapt myself to someone in that way, I wouldn’t mind never interacting with that person again. 

I believe that for every person, there’s at least one other person with whom he/she will never clash. So if you’re clashing with someone, in such a way that you need therapy, why not spend your time with someone with whom you don’t clash? That’s a lot less stressful, I think. 

So my palpitations are not “dangerous”, which is nice. They must be caused by stress and anxiety. My pulse is influenced by this, but the movement of my skull isn’t!! 

I need to find a solution to my fatigue, before I can do anything else. If I were to be to be less stressed, I would rest better. Agility training will also decrease the amount of stress in my body. A better bed will also let me rest better. Maybe changing my diet a little, too. And listening to my body when she tells me I, for example, should take a break from writing. I should also accept that fast fatigue could be a side-effect of the state of my heart. 

The factors for stress and fatigue are “each other’s opposites”. My stress is caused by my finances, my ambitions and certain social needs. To fix those issues, there are a lot of things to do! 


Just thinking about applying for a job again – while I have my own business, feels like giving in to having failed – and it then having to be in something with customer service, because that pays the highest, for my “level of education”, just makes me want to cry. I can’t stand the animal-like way customers treat personnel. I don’t enjoy shallow conversations and having a fixed set of tasks. I want to use all of my capacities and be compensated for that in a representative way. With the last job I had, I just kept going, even though I had it bad, emotionally. I could hide it. I still kept going the extra mile for those clients. But to keep myself heading to the right direction, I could apply for a job. If I do this, I want it to be a contract for 2 to 3 months again. 

I would actually rather work abroad. But I need to be able to at least finance the first month of living there, to be able to have a place to stay the entire time that I work there. I would have to have one month of food and rent in advance, and then I’d live off of my salary the next month…

The business plans I’ve been making, were always formed around the strategy where I focus on achieving as much as possible, with the lowest budget possible, to make that slowly climax into the final result I’m working towards. 

It hurts me to see where I’ve stranded. After making all kinds of plans. I in a way, it’s not that bad, because those plans were all low-budget, hybrid solutions. They get me a step closer to what I’m working towards. If I were to have an investor, I can construct what I’m working towards at once. As long as I’m not there, I’ll be an unsatisfied slave to my ambitions. I just thought that I wouldn’t be stuck to my bed, still… 

For me to start the final form of my business, I need Council members, though… I need a new network… Where could I have a chance of running in to you? If you would also be an investor, active owner and publicist, together with me, that would be the best, most fun outcome ever. 


There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life, that every single decision I make, influences my success towards those accomplishments (either in a positive or negative way). 

I want to be done with my list of accomplishments as fast as possible. Things such as temporarily working for a boss, are not on my list (anymore). I consider it a distraction from my path, which might unfortunately be necessary, to be able to provide for myself in the meantime. 

Social needs

Every day, I feel a little bit more lonely. I want to stop the increase of this feeling. I dream of having friends I can spend an infinite period of time with, because we are so independent and have so much in common, that never I will think to myself: “It has been nice, but I’m getting tired of this. Now, it’s time for me to be alone again, be myself and continue working towards the things I’m trying to achieve.” I get this when I feel that I won’t be able to adapt to the person/people I’m spending time with, for much longer. After a long period of adapting – because I’m not good at talking without the conversation having a purpose anymore – I just want to go to my room, sit down in my desk chair or lay myself down on my bed, and let all of the adaptation stress out with one long sigh. 

If we’re on the same path, I’ll never feel the need to be alone. The things you think about when you’re alone, are the same things as I think about when I’m alone. I don’t like to be or feel alone – but when I have to adapt, I prefer it. If your need for love is the same as mine, we’ll be inseparable!  

I said, “We are so independent.” The sentence where I mentioned that, was the description of an ideal situation. Currently, I’m not independent. I might be independent in my reasoning, but financially, I’m not independent at all. I don’t make enough to “incasseren” the financial blows of sudden high bills. My hourly rate is too low, because it is solely based on the diplomas you have and your years of working experience. This causes me to not rent an apartment (yet). [I would actually rather buy a piece of land from the beginning, because I’m thinking of the long term.] In this context of independence, I can’t say: “Please come over today,” and then have this meeting of us one day turn into you staying with me the entire week. I don’t have my own house, so even though I would loveeee to do that, I can’t do it yet. 

My social needs will be 100% satisfied, the day that I’m (re-)united with “Level 4”.

23:42 (11:42 PM) 

A picture I of the couch I took earlier:

Current status:

Letters from a Stoic has been very good to me today

I want to be able to buy a couch like this, too, one day. This one has a built-in phone charger.

Ah, meow… My trust issues shouldn’t surface in what I write in this diary. I should tell you about “Level 4″…

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, October 18, 2018

12:11 (PM) 

Good afternoon :]

There are some pictures I took with my phone yesterday that I would like to show you:

May I be your escort? 😻  

To mime the metaphorical context: two versions of you, one hopeful and one anxious, have been handcuffed to me. I, your escort, am a prisoner, too. For a very long time, I’ve been stuck in this prison. I know ways to escape, but to succeed, I need your strength. Let me guide you to freedom, while we turn the manifestation of fear into more courage and more confidence. I consider this life we live, where the system determines how you spend your time, a prison. [You need to earn, to be able to satisfy yourself in your basic needs.]

Since this is public domain work, I’m allowed to take pictures of the book? 

The scenery you see the picture is taken in, shows that it’s taken in a “coffee shop”. In coffeeshops, weed is sold legally. Don’t go there for coffee, because it’s from a vending machine XD. 

Imagine a slight increase of the water level……….

Shxt gives me palpitations….

I cooked dinner with my mother yesterday

I’ll elaborate on things later, because now, again, I need to get up and eat something. 

16:20 (04:20 PM) 

What should I make for dinner? I’m thinking of something Paleo 🤔.

16:49 (04:49 PM) 

While my mother buys groceries, I’ll be working on some “small reforms” for D.O.C.I.S. International. I need to take small steps, because when I give in to my overambitiousness [haha “overambitiousneas”], I forget to focus in my heart beat and influence it, to keep it going steady. (My father is going to see Orbital tonight. So we’re in charge of dinner now that he isn’t able to cook on his “cooking day”.)

20:52 (08:52 PM) 

Meoww, “Level 4” is such a headache from hell yeah man I’m sorry for not being able to express my feelings for you to attend the wedding and the second one is dominating the best out of each other and who is tired of being awake at this time of year again 

I let my phone take over at some point haha. Still postponing the definition…

Plans abruptly changed, when my mother came home and I proposed to accompany her to the grocery store. In the car, I mentioned that I was very tired and we were both not really in the mood to cook, so:

“Tunisian fish soup” & sigara böregi [I think my mother had linzensoep, but I’m not 100% sure]


The food was nice. I ate too much of it, haha. Makes me have more trouble breathing 😅. I was dressed for going grocery shopping ahahahaha. 

Meoww, I write down what comes to mind, so I’m not going to “backspace” any of this, but I really need to stop making these “insecurity statements”. It’s insecurity in the context of mentioning what should be improved, because I’m afraid I’m making a bad impression on you, and I, by mentioning it, I want to show that I have an eye for improvement.

Speaking of improvement, it’s better for me to work towards the final state of D.O.C.I.S. International at once. It’s better for my health and better for the clarity of the first impression, as well as its success, to work towards the organization’s final state at once. So, I didn’t work on the changes I wanted to make, today, but that has saved me a lot of pressure. I put a lot of time pressure on myself, when I work on anything. Part of me always wants to show all of the diverse things I can do. And then show that I can do it very fast, as well. (Because before that, some people often called me slow, so I decided to start always doing things as fast as possible, so that I’ll never have to hear that comment that gives me chest pains again.)

My mom mentioned that I should start something like a shop somewhere in this country. I told her that I like her input and that I used to have something similar in mind. Currently, there are a “two” factors stopping me from going for that:

  1. I don’t intend to stay in this country for long(er than max 6 months from now). This mainly because of my health conditions and need for truly fresh air and space to move [and – for once – if I were to have a piece of nature for myself, finally let out a great deal of frustration by screaming some… I’m afraid that if I do that here – and all of my neighbors can hear it – they’ll call the police or come by to ask “what just happend”… It’s just some cropped up emotions I need to let out, but I don’t want that to lead to someone forcing me to talk about it. When I talk about it, I solely worry about if he/she understands the thoughts and decisions I’ve consciously had/made, behind my actions].
  2. I consider it unfair to receive an investment from the country I don’t intend to stay in. I need an investor from abroad. It’s a waste investing in a business location [“ideal” was having the shop/atelier/office/meeting location downstairs and my house upstairs] at some place I actually don’t want to be doing business. I wouldn’t know where to settle myself, here, to be at a location that is attractive to my target audience. “Trendy” locations are often busy locations, and you and I both don’t like busy locations with large crowds, right? 😏 So better would be to just settle myself some place ve-ry secluded, where visiting me is “a (Graeyniss) day trip”. [I’m not even sure about being close to public transport stops. My gut tells me: “No. I shouldn’t be anywhere near anything. Let’s say someone can’t drive to me, then I should have/rent a taxi service.”] The level of (healthy) seclusion I’m talking about, is hard to achieve here. Also, the idea of buying ground, and then one day *plons* everything being turned into business Atlantis, seems like a very bad long-term investment as well. 

While I was making the list, I also wrote the following:

When it comes to the relationship between me and my family, on the outside, we have not been clashing for a very long time [almost a year now¿], which is good. The clashes always bring so much heartache. 

I have, however, also been holding back on speaking my mind for, basically, the same period of time. I want things to be peaceful. It sucks that this peacefulness doesn’t stem from being like-minded and that my heart has a fucking bad time holding back what I really want to say. (If it didn’t influence the state of my heart, I would have been able to keep the peace forever.) 

I want to say that some statements that I hear being made or that are mentioned to me – often science, politics, culture and/or specific individuals related – are so cold and badly substantiated that they give me such intense chest pains. But, speaking from past experience, saying this out loud could lead to an increase of that type of statements, and then also with the topic of me, in a negative way, which is even more frustrating. 

Not every relative is related to this pain to the same degree. I’m also still doubting about: “Who to keep is healthy?”

On taking the morning after pill: by “letting myself be talked into”, I meant that I, in the rush, allowed unprotected penetration, while my initial intention was to solely use a hand to rub his tip against my clitoris. But explaining why I don’t want to take the morning after and explaining that my alternative can lead to an orgasm, too, felt like too many words. [I can take quite some minutes to explain to you why I don’t want to have those morning after pill toxines in my body. In short, I fear the long term consequences. Women who took softenon, for example, conceived handicapped children. I don’t know if maybe the morning after can have such after-effects. Also, I like my very infrequent menstrual cycle, but the pill will initiate it soon [but when¿¿¿].] I should have said: “No. I don’t want to take that pill. We can climax my way, or not climax at all,” but I don’t have that type of fierceness in my nature – now that my heart isn’t the same. My problem is that without an orgasm, I can’t sleep. If you were to lay next to me, for some reason it feels like an insult to only masturbate myself to sleep. Usually, someone sleeping next to me, wouldn’t lead to sex. Lately – two people in the past 5 months – I’ve been giving in to it. This is another factor that just makes me want to start over. I want to have my own house and have friends who have a truly similar lifestyle as I have. 

I’m not a minimalist. A lot of people I meet are minimalists. It’s fine if you want to be a minimalist. I strive to live my own form of Stoïcism, where I could also settle for living with less. With the amount of assets I would like to generate and in my spendings, however, I intend to still be able to do large investments in products that stay of good quality in the long run. I also intend to – let’s say I’m about to lose everything – buy things value-fixed, that I can sell, to still keep myself comfortable. For the rest of our society and for the economy, I also think that being a minimalist isn’t the best decision. If you solely work to maintain yourself in the simplest way possible, you won’t be able to invest in the improvement of our society. I have quite a few charity plans. These, I can’t put into practice, when I don’t “think in non-minimal funds”. Also, I think it is very healthy to enjoy spoiling yourself every now and then. [Should I be saying “always”?]

Maybe we shouldn’t have rushed this or something. I thought I had feelings for him as well¿ I still think he’s a very nice and intelligent person. But I guess I can really only have “Level 4” feelings for those of the “natural selection”… 

There are also things I just need to receive back, such as eye contact, being passionately held/grabbed, being catted back and any other physically intimate expression of love. Even when it’s not even truly there. I solely express it physically, because I’m not good at having conversations while being physically intimate. I wanted to state “not a fan of”, but I still slightly have my hopes up @ finding a partner with whom I can literally talk at any moment. Including infinite mutual judgment. 

“Too many words” is a fast way of saying that I run out of oxygen quite fast. In a conversation, I always calculate how much air I have left, before I start low-key gasping, to explain what I want to say in the words I can say with the amount of air I have left. After that, the other person needs to talk, basically, while I inconspicuously regain my strength. 

The only changes I currently allow myself to make, are the placing of online ads, analysis software and policy documents, on this website. 

“The launch of Daniëlle Lucy” will take place when I have the money to live the lifestyle I feel comfortable in, have better photos and web design options and have a full portfolio finished. That includes a new book/new books, my own music (produced professionally), recipes with videos and detailed descriptions, et cetera. 

Luckily my father isn’t pressuring me to find a job, at the moment, so I can take some time to focus on my health. “This focus is unfortunately not that focused”, because if I were to truly listen to my body, I wouldn’t be writing diary posts, meeting people, leaving the house for any other reason, even think about my business or cook. 

But I do want to search for suitable investors. The most ideal is to find individuals who want to invest, who want to have a say in the business/be Council members, who want to have their works published and who want to live somewhere else [because of corporate compound reasons]. Where to find them? 

It really sucks that I’ve settled for this hybrid version of my business, because now, I think I leave a very controversial first impression. All in all, my intentions are based on love and take our future into consideration, but that might not be seen on first sight. 

I really need to do something about my fatigue. Where’s doctor Cuddle? Not having heard his findings, even though they’re there, makes me worry. From the way i perceive my heart and lungs, I feel as if he has bad news to bring me, but he doesn’t want to say it over the phone, while I’m trapped here :[. I wish we could be Cuddles, and I hope it’s also not jealous parties in relationships that keep him from reaching out to me, because I mean what I say in an innocent way. 

When it comes to fixing my health issues, I’m in a situation that is a challenge to me. The overly clear difference in quality, has made me feel certain about, for these issues, to never seek for medical assistance in the Netherlands again. But that means that if I ever get a heart attack, I shouldn’t be here. I also shouldn’t be broke and single. All black people I’ve known with illnesses, here, have died young and suffering. I’ve also known many people who have died from heart problems. Some were “sudden”, others were because of undiscovered long-term heart disease. I don’t want to have to take antistollingsmedicijnen for the rest of my life, after surgery. I don’t even want to take pills. I want to cure myself/be cured in the most natural way possible. 

Meoww I should go to sleep. It’s 00:57 now… Both my mental and physical self are tired… 

I hope I’ll get time to tell you about my dream scenarios and the definition of “level 4”. They’re related to each other!

Good night 💕 

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

09:49 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I really appreciate you reading my diary! I have never talked about this with you (yet), but the idea that I air out the contents of my mind, and that you then keep coming back to read it, fills my heart with so much joy! 

When I mention the contents in real life, people often want to falsify them. Even though I don’t mention it – because if I were to mention it and they would try to debunk that, too, I will become agitated and the stress levels on my heart will increase a lot – I find it annoying when people do that, because I state the way I perceive reality – often in a summarized manner, which is my personal truth. They have their own personal truths. Everyone has a unique perception and thus “real perception” of life is always subjective. Of course, people might define parts of their experience in the same way – such as saying that the sky is blue, but if someone else defines their experience in a way that is not similar, that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. If someone is color blind, and states that the sky is not blue, that is true, too. It is true, because it is not a lie and it is based on the real perception of the person who made the statement. 

I think that falsifying someone’s statements is a way of portraying him/her as “different in a less positive sense” and as if “the falsifier” is trying to say that the other perception doesn’t/shouldn’t count. If the perception is different, but in a way that is still within acceptable boundaries, then there’s no need to falsify someone’s words. I don’t think anyone truly feels comfortable with the submission to another’s perception, in a discussion built around falsification. Personally, I think falsification is pointless. Why shape every rough diamond into the same shape?

Everyone who’s shaped in the exact same way, might be valued the same way, within the same society, but I think this shaping makes you lose part of your true personality. I think you should want to stand out – in terms of unique reasoning – instead of to blend into someone following the same script. There’s a downside to standing out, though: it can lead to someone else’s jealousy.

Meoww, I’m going to transfer what’s on my prepaid account to my debit account, because of the bills coming up. Ending this month with my account on minus can’t be avoided, though, because even though I accepted Mirtazapin as a substitute for serotonin, the type of medication Mirtazapin belongs to, brings back a lot of bad memories, when it comes to the side-effects and unnatural constituents influencing your natural brain chemistry. Doctor Cuddle [Do I sound slightly crazy for calling him this? I might. But I can’t help that I find him Cuddle…] said that I should take serotonin. He didn’t say that I should take an anti-depressant. I don’t want things like anti-depressants and anti-psychotics in my body, because I believe that they don’t belong there. So when the pharmacist said that Mirtazapin is all they have in stock that is similar to serotonin, I should have refused it. Two days ago, when I finished the antibiotic treatment, and I considered starting to take mirtazapin, I thought: “Nooo waaaaay,” after reading the package leaflet. 

There’s this substance called 5-HTP, which you can buy at “any health store”, of which it is said that the body turns it into serotonin. So that’s what I’ll be purchasing also, when I’m outside. I’ll cycle to the city center, because in the other malls closer to my house, they don’t have and the right bank, and the right stores, at the same place. I also [again, let myself be talked into the decision where I] need to buy a morning after pill 😔. Every time, I tell myself I should stop trying to seek mutual affection, because I’m in love and seeking that in someone else will just make me miss him more. 

I love someone very fast, when he/she doesn’t cause stress on my heart and when I can truly be myself around him/her. There are levels to the way I love, though:

  • “Level 1”: this person has a special place in my heart – probably because we have such a long history together – and because of that, I let him/her be and do whatever he/she wants to do to me, because my heart doesn’t allow me to do something else. But because this not allowing is a defense mechanism of my heart, when I start a new life, I do not intend to keep him/her in it. This might be hard in the beginning, but for my health, it’s the absolute best, in the long term. 
  • “Level 2”: I love the unique (personality) features of this person. For him/her I make exceptions, to meet him/her, because even though my heart actually doesn’t want me to meet up with someone else – unless it’s level 3 or 4, because I need to learn who to trust again. A situation with my beliefs I’ll – basically for the first time – explain to you later, has caused everyone who might have been at another love level in my life, to be transferred to level 2. At this level, we might have been spending quite some time together, but because of the situation – that once wasn’t there –  I’m now trying to figure out if I can trust you with my heart or not. 
  • “Level 3”: I feel safe with expressing myself around this person. He/she has, through his/her philosophy,  ambition and craft(s) (of interest), made me feel a (friendly) spark, which makes me want to know all about his/her perception of life. Because this person can give me just as much as I can give him/her, I don’t have to worry about having much more to do/say. [By this, I mean that in courtship and in entertaining him/her (as a host), it is the nicest when he/she has the (mental) tools to give me back a similar experience. (I’ll make you food, play video games with you on the device of your preference, give you a piano lesson/let us improvise together, show you around the neighborhood and “mijn hersenen kraken” about other things I can do to make you have a nice experience.) And that because of his/her path and personality, he/she also has a lot of things to talk about, with the topic of him/herself. I don’t like to, in a conversation, talk much more than the other person. I want it to be balanced out. To achieve that balance, he/she needs to have enough “self-content” or “self-reasoned” philosophy to discuss.] When I start a new life, I want this person to stay in it. 
  • “Level 4”: this is a naturally reserved position, sealed by “the situation”. I’ll elaborate on this later, because now, I’m so hungry and I’m starting to become light headed. The piece below, I wrote while I was making the list. 

If you wonder why I don’t like making phone calls: it’s because I can’t read the face of the person I’m talking to, which makes it harder for me to see what his/her emotions are and to calculate what the right response is. 

13:36 (01:36 PM) 

I live very close to a highway-ish road and a police station. Every time I hear a sirene, my heart starts “to trip out” and in silence, I think: “They’re coming to get me. Someone has called them, because he/she thinks that I’m acting “too schizophrenically” again.” 

The brick wall is “to block (most of) the sound”. On the “summit” of the dyke(-ish structure), there’s a “max 80 km/h” road (but a lot of people – including me – speed on it, because it allows for it)

I worry about how my body behaves so much, I’m never truly myself. Especially since “the situation”. Even though there is a part of me that says [these parts are not literally talking]: “I might not be as outgoing as I used to be, but my behavior is normal. If someone comments on the fact that I’m sitting on a public bench by myself for a while [something that used to happen soooo very often], that could be because he/she doesn’t understand that I can enjoy doing that.” I used to go for long walks/cycle far, daily, and then search for the most remote bench, to sit there. I would write there, read a book, smoke weed, listen to music and/or just sit there and reason in silence. Even at the remote bench, there would be people walking past. Often, when I’d see the same person walk by a second time, he/she would say: “Shouldn’t you be going home? You’ve been sitting here for longer than an hour.” When someone tells me this, I often just said: “No.” And smiled [even though I would feel like crying and I would be sitting there because I don’t want to go home] and then focus myself on something else, such as a book or my phone. If I considered it time to go home, I would have gone home. I don’t want to express how I truly feel, to someone who starts a conversation in that way. Hearing that comment so often, made me feel so watched and made me feel as if I’m a weird person. I now don’t sit on public benches by myself anymore, except this one where people rarely walk by twice, at a location where pedestrians rarely come after work hours. It is on top of a hill and has a pretty view of a monument and the university. 

Meow, I’m hesitant with describing level 4, because it has brought me so much trouble. I now basically put most of my reasoning in ways to hide level 4. I’m going to take a shower and head to the city center, hoping to find the right words to clearly describe to you that me believing what I’ll say, doesn’t mean that I’m a schizophrenic. Of course, I also need to accept that not everyone will believe me. This far, I’ve never heard someone say: “I believe you.” I hope you will believe me, my Cuddle. I’m so alone in my beliefs 😔 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

17:02 (05:02 PM) 

Good afternoon, my Cuddle 🙊 💕 

To make sure I stay on the right track, in this maze where I need to make fast decisions for the short-term, which influences how the long term plays out, I’ve made a draft of a public description [consider it a pamphlet in disguise] of the aspect of life that has been one of the factors inspiring me to write Volta. I want to spend enough time on my future publication(s) and my publishing company, while I’ll, unfortunately, give away a large part of my free time to a [probably full time, again…] job, which will make it feasible for me to rent an apartment abroad, start a new life, market for finding authors/artists/another type of group of people who make another type of publishable works (in the future), market Volta (in the future) and to work towards being in the right environment to solely work on the path to achieve my goals in life. “A full-time side job” is the easiest accessible tool, for me, to get myself on the right track towards the life I live to live. My will and my health, have been stopping me from living towards such a time-agreement. 

Now, it’s becoming very urgent for me to make a decision. I’m close to being out of savings, there are bills that need to be paid monthly and every part of my body screams to have its own, truly private space. 

19:22 (07:22 PM) 

What my heart is telling me, but I have been trying to ignore for a very long time, has led to the point where I feel like I’m stuck in the situation I’m in.

I’ll elaborate on my experience, now that I’m feeling as if I’m starting to see the relationship between my health issues and the way my body functions, first. I want to share this with you, because you’re one of the few people I can share this with. The medical report I received today, included the following findings:

  • Biomechanical dysfunction of the cervical and thoracic spine 
  • Aortic insufficiency of the first degree 
  • Palpitations (which was one of the factors that led to the incentive of doing the long term ECG)
  • Urinary infection [this is solved now, I hope. Yesterday, I finished the antibiotic treatment. It might be caused by the reasons why I often postpone bathroom visits]

    Some symptoms of which I think I now see the connection, is that I used to faint so often and now get light headed so fast, my cold sweat, the palpitations, my “inner alarm bell” constanty “ringing”, which constantly makes me feel as if I’m in a dangerous situation [the danger of the state my heart is in, the danger of accidentally saying/doing something that could lead to me being verbally or physically attacked or placed under “psychosurveillance”, again, the danger of my emotional status now that November 1st is near and the danger of my financial situation], the fatigue, the chest pains et cetera, lead me to saying the following: the current condition of my health and the way many parties in Dutch health care have traumatized me, worry me, when it comes to me meeting the standards that come with my responsibilities. I’ve been feeling like my heart can give out at any second for a while now. Reading about the meanings of the findings of the medical examination, makes my body feel a strong feeling of: “I’ll need to take some serious measures.” 

    I need to free myself from the forms of stress that consume me. The thoughts that make me feel more calm are the idea of the existence of a community where you can talk to any member, without constantly having to protect your heart from people whose words are unnecessarily hurtful, and thinking of being in a relationship with someone who works towards the same things in life and who can care for me when I’m dealing with nightmares, fatigue, the constant possibility of fainting and being over-ambitious. 

    Because of the seriousness of my health problems, I would rather live somewhere, where people want to help me get better, without letting the costs decide if and how I should be helped or not. The philosophy where the finances are in first place, makes me feel unsafe. The person making decisions with that philosophy, does not mention the health risks that are ignored by not doing further research or by selecting the cheapest treatment. 

    What I want to say and don’t want to say, at the same time, is: “With my current health conditions, it’s better for me to move to Germany or basically any other country.” I don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting, but if my health problems get even more serious, I want to put my life in the passionate hands of someone who proposes a type of treatment, based on the result that is the best in the long run, and not based on what is the cheapest. It’s like abroad, there are many more abundance thinkers. 

    My German is not good enough to find a job in Germany, I think… But I also think that, if I were to truly listen to my heart, It is such a negative health influence to be worrying about my finances and I should definitely not apply for any full-time job. The problem is that I have no one financially supporting me, I want to stay on track, when it comes to accomplishing things, so I really have no other choice but to do this, even though my heart tells me it’s better not to. 

    This diary is such an intimate description of myself, it makes me feel quite vulnerable. I intend to use this vulnerability as a strength, to find those who can build on me and I can build on. My exact situation might not be relatable [but maybe it is¿], but the way I feel about it and the search for how to overcome these feelings might be. I want to lead… 

    I want to tell you so much, this post is very summary-like. 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Monday, October 15, 2018

    00:02 (12:02 AM) 

    Haha I’m so in love with the character I made in Episode 😻. I only styled her and gave her the character of a romantic person. 

    She’s also dealing with a lot of bad dreams 😅  
    I downloaded the game in the car, on our way to drop off my grandmas and then head home.  
    We just got home. I’m going to bed. 

    Slaap lekker 💕 

    03:41 (AM) 

    The “climax of my nightmare” just woke me up. They seem more intense every time. This time, I was myself as a young child, hanging out with two young white brothers. One a little chubby, the other slim. Their parents had walked us to a pool party [on our way there, the world still seemed kind of normal]. We were already wearing swimming clothes on our way there. (In the dream, they were no familiar faces to me either.) 

    Somehow, we passed out in the dream, and by the time we were woken up by two dogs – one small bull dog and one big, Rhodesian ridgeback sized dog, that also had a bull dog face – the parents were gone. The small dog had claimed my slipper. When I tried to get it back, both dogs became so aggressive, that I ran past the low bushes and brown fence, which was their territory. The children followed me a lot less rushed. We were the only ones outside. 

    At some point, my feet were hurting so much – it was like my real body could feel the pain I feel, when I step on small rocks etc. with my bare feet – that I walked back a little, to somehow find the dark blue slippers with the logo that is on the Brazilian flag on it. I have those same slippers here in my bedroom. 

    There were a lot of hovering killer robots flying past, which didn’t harm us, because we weren’t breaking any rules. 

    At some point, on our walk home, we had to cross a checkpoint. We didn’t have a pass that allowed us to walk a semi-safe path. We didn’t have that privilege. 

    By holding on to the bendy fence and not touching the “mine plates”, we were making our way across the checkpoint. The way kids do, at the same time, we said: “You’re allowed to find other ways to cross a checkpoint, if you don’t have the privilege to walk the path.” 

    Around the lava, the fence ended and the path turned into “rock pillars”. We were jumping from pillar to pillar, when a human guard with a sniper approached us very fast, saying: “What you’re doing is illegal!!!!” I fought him and shot him after kicking him off the pillar. I threw away the gun, but thought: “Oh shit. now killer robots from everywhere will haunt me, to kill me, because I’m not allowed to kill.” That’s when I woke up.

    I shouldn’t be single. Or I should have a thoughtful friend who I can cuddle. I really need some genuine feeling hugs and kisses now. I’m afraid to go back to sleep, because I don’t want the dream to continue. 

    I notice that since I stopped smoking weed, I’ve had so many more bad dreams. I haven’t smoked since the day before I left for Düsseldorf. Before that, I’ve been smoking about once a week. Not long before that, it was once a day. I’ve been smoking hash, because the smell is a lot less strong, but I’d rather smoke something more natural, actually. 

    “For the sake of professionalism”, I shouldn’t be sharing things like that on here, I guess. But I need to get this off my chest somehow, and just writing it down on paper doesn’t satisfy that anymore. Neither does sharing it with people who can’t relate to it and respond to it with oneliners like, “Just let it go.” Those oneliners are ranked very high on my list of things that annoy me soooo fucking much. 

    I forgot to put my phone in the charger, before I went to sleep. I’ll do that now, after having played this “self-made game”, where I let my phone formulate (such comforting) sentences by selecting words from the word prediction. I’ll show you an example: “You have written about this fleh story.”

    “This fleh story” being my nightmare.

    Should I post my sentences here…? I have a very large note on my phone, filled with prediction sentences. They can get sooooo personal… I’ll just share them… 

    “We can go to sleep after I get a chance to meet you at home.” [Meoww. Yes, pleaseee. I need a cuddle 😥]

    “Dreaming of you is what I do when I get nervous.” [I see it as: “because somehow, someone can be so in love with me, that he/she finds comfort and happiness in/with me…(¿)”]

    “Soon we will be a happy and healthy couple.”

    ” I want to be with you and cuddle and kiss you all day long and I want to ask Strato a question for you as well as the other one.”

    “Zullen we morgen wel even langs komen om de dag van vandaag mee naar huis te nemen?” [One day, my life will shift into something good.]

    “Samen eten en drinken bij mij thuis.  Komen to be able to compensate for the work of art that you are.  Open to the private social network within the next few weeks and then we can get a chance to meet new people.” [I pretend this is my B talking to me…]

    “Was a little bit of a mental breakdown of the day before that happens to be a frequent thing I can get my point accross.” [I see it as not being the only one who sometimes is consumed by negative emotions. One day, we’ll be above them. Ohh one thing I think about being a Stoic, and the phrase “To disregard the world’s opinion”: people who are so unable themselves, love to point out the reasons why you’re a bad Stoic. We need to distance ourselves from them, because they will never learn.]

    “Every woman is a draft of my favorite part of my personality.” [I see it as a reference to my existence in other people’s mind’s eyes.] 

    The comments in brackets were added in reverse order, after all sentences were written down.  

    I’ll be upgrading “the game”: I write down the first word/phrase and my phone the next, followed by me writing down the (set of) words after that and then selecting from the prediction list again. 

    “As long as I am in the minds of many, no one here can harm me inconspicuously.” [Something I live by. Thank you for keeping an eye on! 😻]

    “Did you get your satisfying answer when I was in the nightmare before Christmas and I saved you from the government and your family and friends and I started a new life in the United States of America with you?” [I wrote “Did” “get” “satisfying answer” “I” “in” “and saved” “from” “and” “and” “started” “life” “with”. It’s like my phone unserstands my feelings so well… There are some people I “don’t feel like I need to be saved from”, though…]

    Meoww I’m very tired now. But I need to be awake when doctor Cuddle hits me up with more information about the ECG and stuff :D. I’ll leave my phone on “do not disturb”, like it always [allllllwaaaaaays] is, because not many other messages I get have a priority. Currently, only messages from the friend whose book I borrowed, but then the bag the book was in got stolen, and now the new copy I bought him [he didn’t ask for that] got delivered and we’ll hang out and I’ll give him the copy.  We haven’t decided on where and when yet. (My whatsapp response time is so slow – especially because I wait before there’s a response in all active chats, for timing efficiency – that it takes pretty long for hangouts to be arranged. I can’t stand when I spend too much time texting. Especially when the topics of conversation are not important. That’s why I save up chats. I reply about twice a day.)


    16:05 (04:05 PM) 

    I’m going to cycle to the Oriental store in Oosterflank and the supermarket in my neighborhood. That’s exercise and better dinner :]. 

    Hopefully I’ll later succeed in uploading this early afternoon’s piano improvisation.

    19:57 (07:57 PM) 

    Dinner in reverse order:

     It was veryy nice!! I’m taking some for my friend, with whom I’ll be going out for a drink later. 

    22:01 (10:01 PM)  
    I’m now in the metro on my way to Blaak. I’m looking forward to seeing my friend 😙 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Sunday, October 14, 2018

    11:36 (AM) 

    Good morning 

    I misinterpreted the word Bewegungsartefakt, yesterday… Awkward…? I was celebrating too soon… 😔 

    I couldn’t keep still, because my skull moves, without me controlling this. I strive to find the scientific explanation of this, to debunk the guesswork explanation of “Must be stress,” from the people who have labeled me as someone I truly am not.

    The thing is, that what I want to prove, can’t be seen on an MRI. What I want to prove, is such a sensitive and controversial topic that I can’t say that that is the reason why I want myself to be examined. That’s why I said that I have a headache. I do have a headache, but that’s just because I can’t live with people celebrating over “having proven” that I’m less intelligent than I truly am. And the fact that I feel unsafe in my own home…

    I didn’t give the real reason why I want my skull to be analyzed, because someone who isn’t open to proving things that are beyond the way human abilities are described, will say, “No, can’t be true,” before having even looked. But an MRI is used to spot biological abnormalities. I’m intending to find the technological abnormality. What I need is a scan that shows what parts of my brain are active, what I’m perceiving and an image of what is in my skull, that doesn’t strive to fit a template. 

    Today is my parents’ wedding anniversary, for being married 22 years. We’ll be going to a very nice restaurant. [Haha “If I would get a euro for every time we eat in a restaurant”… It’s confusing how, when I ask for any type of allowance, “it’s too expensive”, but the house is being restructured and eating outside happens more often than someone cooking. Meow 😿…]

    13:30 (01:30 PM) 

    A quick and very simplified and tasty version of “eggs benedict”: an egg fried with salt and pepper, some unspiced spinach, cooked in butter and selfmade whisky sauce (brandy, mayonaise and ketchup):


    I want to write Volta, but I’m afraid my current emotions will surface in the book, like they did in (the unpublished version of) Nosce Te Ipsum. I think I should finish Letters from a Stoic first. I’m a very slow reader, because I want to ponder about and absorb every given bit of information. I think the book will give me many more personal insights, which is what I need right now. Me being above my emotions is still fluctuating too much. [Plus, I still make negative statements about myself, which is something I think is toxic. I don’t want to feel negative about myself. Being around people with a lot of self-confidence and/or who also strive to not be negative about themselves, will help me a lot, in this. (If they don’t talk down on other people to boost the way they feel about themselves…)]  

    A friend of mine sent me something very relatable, a few days ago.

    19:56 (07:56 PM) 

    We’re dining in Zeist. Here’s the “amuse”:

    Rode bieten, hangop en ¿¿¿ [it tasted like green apple]

    The starter:

    Rode curry ijs, garnalen and the rest I’ll guess by tasting

    Soup with baby shrimp in the middle, fruits de mer something on the left, to which I added the ketjap sauce from the shrimp, after which it was three times as tasty. In the right cup: sweetened tomatoes and mozarella balls, wich basil sauce. In front of that, there’s “grilled cheese” with “carpaccio” underneath. Behind the glass, there’s a type of ham with mini toast on top. On the other side of the ice, there are smoked salmon and trout.  

    The main course:

    Meow 😻

    That’s a medium-rare lamb’s rack. “Kluiven” is probably not “netjes”, but… 

    My little fangs just had to clean these bones 🙊 😻

    In the glass on the right, there’s fruit chopped into small pieces. It includes kiwi, blueberries and passion fruit. From there further to the left: there’s cherry mouse with cherry jelly on top (?). Then crѐme brulée. Then a stick that tastes like the outside of an appelflap, followed by very naturally tasting strawberry ice cream, followed by dark chocolate mousse and white chocolate mousse, covered with whipped cream, a raspberry and this fruit of which I forgot the name on top, haha. Behind the glass, there’s a chocolate lolly, filled with whipped cream. 

    Meoww, I’m pondering about what to do tomorrow. I really want to get outside. Then again, I get tired and dizzy so fast… But sitting inside makes me internally go crazyyy.

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

    Saturday, October 13, 2018

    12:47 (PM) 
    Heey ♥ 

    What are your plans for this weekend? 

    I’ll be bed petting 😋   [woaaah this is the first time for me to succeed in including an emoji that isn’t a heart!!!! I had to find how to convert unicode to html, hehe].

    I think, the “priority mail” I received from the radiology department of the health center I went to, states that I have a device in my head. 

    Die Bewegungsartefakte stören mich nicht! Motherfuckers saying that the device isn’t there and that I’m a schizophrenic because of it, make me internally aggressive as fuck and give me a stress headache. It’s my B on the other side of the device…

    Finally, the final proof of schizophrenia being bullshit is in!! I only need to receive doctor Cuddle’s findings – regardless of what else he finds, my aorta heart valve not closing right, aready shows that psychiatrists fucking my life up, were never allowed to force me to take Haldol – to complete the bulletproof case I’ve been building up. Now, I don’t want to get beaten up for wanting to take legal measures, so I tell you I’ll be bed petting. [Because the potential beater might read this.] 

    Bed petting is laying down while reasoning, cuddling my sheets and pillows. 

    14:58 (02:58 PM) 

    By the way, my theory for my heart issues, many flashbacks, avoiding hangouts and expressions of anger in my diary, is that I’m dealing with post traumatic stress… I think the way to cure this is to be far away from any reminders. My having this is quite fucked up, but my solution sounds like such a giant relief 😻.  

    21:04 (09:04 PM) 

    I just made pasta with unions, duck meat, pumpkin and carrots. I spiced it with “five spices”, massala and coconut milk 😋 .  

    22:22 (10:22 PM) 

    The prospect of the coming weeks, seems like such a blur to me. I’m in desperate need of change, but I’m not powerful enough to put this in motion at once myself. I’m also in very desperate need of a holiday, but I’ve spent my savings on doctors visits. They were the awesomest doctors appointments I’ve had in my entire life, so it was worth it, though. 

    I hope the personal correspondence I’ve sent today, will make the change I need. It has been on my mind, since my life made this fucked up shift. Emotionally, it was a big step, because it will disrupt life as I know it. That’s a good thing, because it’s way too toxic to me. I’m afraid they’ll also say that my pain isn’t worth it. I’m afraid to lose. It’s quite nerve wracking waiting for a response. If it were to work out the way I hope it will, you’ll finally only see my real side [not captivated by flashbacks and other bad things]. 

    Meoww, I’ll be going back to bed petting (myself to sleep).

    Good night

    I love you! 😻  



    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Friday, October 12, 2018

    09:30 (AM) 

    My Cuddleeee 😀 ♥
    Good morning!! ♥ ♥

    How was your night? 

    Mine was pretty good. I went to sleep around 9 pm and had a lot of time to sleep. Somehow I’m still tired, so I’ll be napping until 11 am. That’s when I have to check out. 

    After one bite I realized that I shouldn’t be eating cheese, because I’m taking antibiotics… Underneath the napkin, there are speculaas cookies the breakfast lady gave to me :]. Now I have something to eat, when I’m back on the road… [Even though I really don’t want get back on the road… I like driving, but I don’t like staring at walls that give me so many flashbacks…]

    I’ll be back, after my nap <3.

    If anyone wonders why I don’t cry, but get slightly angry when I talk about the shit I’ve been going through in my life: it’s because if I were to start crying, and really let everything out, I would never be able to stop crying. I’m also afraid that if my parents were to see me cry, they would either call the acute dienst again or my father saying shit like: “That’s no reason to cry. I’ll give you a reason to cry.” [Referring to violence.] 

    I’ll only cry when I have my own place. Then the crying will be temporary, because I can then finally move on. That I’m holding back a large part of my personality, causes a lot of frustration. 

    Tot zo, lieverd ♥  

    17:09 (05:09 PM) 

    Meoww I’m “back in Rotterdam”, where I spend most of my “outside time”. [I live in Capelle aan den IJssel.]

    We’re now in the car, on our way home. I hope I’ll make it to my bed :[. I keep pushing myself to my limits. I still want to log my past actions. And talk about my feelings a little. 

    When I came home from Meerbusch, around 2 PM, I realized my house key was in my jacket pocket, and my jacket was inside. Of one neighbor, I was sure that they have our new key – the locks were replaced, because my bag got semi-stolen – but they’re on a trip of 4 months. So I went to another neighbor, who unfortunately had our old key. She let me use the toilet and we talked for a while. She was in the nightmare I had, when I had the ECG. As a protagonist, not a “nightmare character”. [That was not what we talked about. We were catching up a little, on general topics.] 

    When I left her house, with the intentions of going to my mother’s workplace, located about 10 minutes from home, I saw my father got home in the meantime. He asked if I wanted to have lunch with my mother and him. I said: “Yes.” Physically, I was still exhausted. So exhausted that I wouldn’t be able to cook for myself. 

    My mother had lunch with a friend, at Café Engels, and was still there. She ran into some acquaintances, who live in the house we used to live in. They’re such a pretty couple! I gave them my business card :]. 

    The first time I had eggs benedict. Was nice :]. Eggs and spinach is a very tasty combination!

    Then my father had to go to the restaurant he invested in, to pay for my grandmother’s food. He does that about once a month.  [But the shop “owner” still had to make the calculation and said: “It’s too much of a headache to calculate it now. We’ll settle it some other time.”¿] She can’t cook for herself anymore, so she orders her food there. He was there so long that we ended up buying dinner, too. [My mother and I were waiting in the car. Then she got tired of waiting (with me¿) and went inside and proposed to buy dinner as well.] Which was nice, because, even though I just ate, I was hungry asf againnn. 

    There, I learnt that some Surinamese men refuse food in restaurants, when it’s cooked by a woman. When that bitch n****’s wife is on her period, he goes to a “traditional Surinamese restaurant”, where only men cook traditional dishes. Hearing shit like that makes my heart trip the fuck out and makes me want to do wild and aggressive shit. But on the outside, I never show that I’m going through emotions like that. I only get feelings of aggression when I sense injustice. I think men in restaurants screaming shit like: “Do you really expect me to eat this??”, followed by some “traditional” swearing one liners, just because the food is cooked by a female – who might not even be on her period – is a form of injustice for the woman getting hurt by that. Grrrr. 

    Now, I’m back home. I’m going to bed soon. I just had some soup. Fish is nextt. 

    I ordered some bitter melon, too, which was paid for, but he forgot to include itt

    Before I left

    So someone has been in my roooomm. My heart is too weak for a confrontation, but shit is annoying asffff. 

    21:16 (09:16 PM) 

    Answering ASKfm questions is so addictive! I just took my antibiotics. I’m now going to sleep. 

    I want to have saved myself from this shit, before my 22nd birthday. I hope I’ll make it, but it’s very tight. I will be twice as emotionally damaged, if I were to celebrate my birthday here. If it doesn’t work out, I would rather save myself from emotional damage in another way. 

    Also, I won’t be able to go to Italy anymore :[. Especially not if I can solve the rest of my health problems in Germany. My doctor is Cuddle, so it’s not that bad. 

    Financially, “I have about one month to live”. As in, there’s my monthly health insurance fee of €108, my phone bill will be around €100 [I’ll be going for unlimited data, though, I guess, because uploading things to my blog, from my phone, costs quite some data, when you do it often. I now have about 10GB data per month¿], I’ll have to pay for the ECG etc. still, I want osteopathy, I want click ads on my blogs, so I need to buy online legal statements and I want to market Volta in the future, which still only exists on scrap paper. There’s €23 on my private debit account, €7 on my corporate debit account, €112 on a private “life savings” account [my grandmother has been depositing €12,50 per month on there, since I was born. I was obligated to use this account to pay for my driving lessons…], €0 on my regular savings account and €118,14 on my prepaid credit card…. 

    I will hate my life so much, going back to the 40 hour work week, that I’ll rather die and not even turn 22, having people smile in my face, who have let me suffer soooooo much on my 21st birthday [they weren’t there, but they’re my “friends”, and they let me rot in an institution, while I was only there to prove the other institution wrong, but the institution I was in, wasn’t open to that, and they didn’t let me out when I wanted to. No one backed me up, so they could do this FUCKING FREAKY MEDICINE EXPERIMENT WITH ME. I CAN NOT FORGIVE ANYONE FOR LETTING ME BE PERMANENTLY DAMAGED BY THIS TRAUMA FOR NO REASON. IF MY PARENTS WOULDN’T HAVE ABUSED THEIR AUTHORITY, NONE OF THAT SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!! THESE FLASHBACKS ARE FUCKING KILLING ME, MAN :'[.].. I won’t even be able to crack a smile. The age of 21 has this “important age” sentiment. I usually celebrate my birthday with two big parties [I receive as a gift]. When I turned 21, my gifts were two cakes, some flowers, a stack of cards and 5 people visiting me. I cannot see anyone who did come to those big parties, then skipped out on my 21st, and then smile in my face on a 22nd birthday party???? Nooooo man FUCK THAT. I’d really rather die. I don’t want to undergo that emotional pain… There’s no fucking reason to smile, if I’m still broke as fuck, with a company that is still at the bottom, not financially able to move out like I want to. And then half of the people – especially my relatives – talking to me semi-loud, as if I’m deaf, because they believe I’m a schizophrenic. 

    They tell me: “Don’t commit suicide. How can you be so weak? How can you do something like that to your family?” If I’d have to stay alive, solely for my family, I would commit suicide twice. 

    I’m alive, because I don’t want to give up on my entrepreneurship, without having tried everything, and I hope to somehow still spend a lot of time with Benoît and other Cuddles, somewhere far away from everything that reminds me of the past I’m still living. 

    The crazy “I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE” impulses I feel for the coming of the 1st of November are driving me crazy… Another thing I have imagined is me moving in with doctor Cuddle…. Ahahahaha meoooww… I just met him and he must be at least twice my age, but my heart rate seems the most safe with him, let’s say I were to never see Benoît again. Then, only with “doctor Cuddle” [I say “doctor Cuddle”, and not “T…..”, because of privacy reasons. I say Benoît, because of, “confront me, please¿”, when it comes to name privacy. Then, at least I would hear from him. (Snap je wat ik bedoel??) I can’t reach him anymore :[] I could live happily, for the long term… 

    Ohh about the unmentioned laking: I didn’t mention it, because I feel as if I’d faint when saying it, or get too kissy…. Plus, I’m ve-ryyyy afraid of rejection. 


    I’m going to sleep

    I hope you had a nice day 😀

    Good night! ♥  

    Ohh, PS, sorry for not coming back, like I said, right after my nap. I was saving energy for the road and couldn’t think of anything to say… 

    You should also know that I’m still semi-cautious with my words, because certain aggressive parties and their submissive [but more wealthy, so the side is easily chosen] parties keep an eye on my writing and if I die, I want to die by my own hand and not theirs. 

    Also, I hope I don’t emotionally destroy people with my story… That fear is while I’m still holding back other details from it. Another reason for me holding back, is because some people tend to not believe it, because it sounds “too much like a movie” [have heard this multiple times now]. Haha god dammit, if I could not have a story that sounded like that, I would have not had that story, especially to avoid hurtful expressions of distrust. The distrust itself is hurtful, because I’M SPEAKING THE FUCKING TRUTH. MEOOOOOOW :'[.


    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

    Thursday, October 11, 2018

    09:49 (AM) 

    Good morning, my love <3

    I just woke up in the freakiest way possible:

    When I opened my eyes, I looked mother right in the eye. She had that look in her eyes again that makes me feel like a failure and gives me cropped up anger, because she looks at me in that way. I actually wanted to scream and attack her, because I freaked out and “why the fuuuuuck does she look at me sleeping?????” But I managed to “mentally pull myself together” fast, and said, “Good morning,” in a fast and slightly formal sounding way. 

    She said: “Good morning. We’re going to Amsterdam. What time are you going to leave?”

    “Around twelve. Are you going to that therapist again?” [The therapist they go to to complain about how much of a pain in the ass child I am, for which she used extortion on me. I’m referring to this post.]

    “Yes. We might already be back around that time.”

    “Okay. See you later.” I closed my eyes again. I woke up tired, from the second nightmare I had. They both related to the way these people make me feel like dying. 

    Yoo I need my own place… But I can’t even go to Milan anymore, because of my health expenses. “Dus laat staan” renting an apartment… My mother told me that “they” [That’s her + my father] might give me back half of the health expenses. I WANTED TO SAY: “KEEP IT. I’LL GET MY SHARE ANOTHER WAY.” But I said: “Okay,” because I need avoid her calling the acute dienst on me again [I would let out sooo much anger….] I need it so desperately… I still need to pay my Dutch monthly insurance fee [I DO NOT want to be insured here anymore TO THE POWER OF INFINITY (AND BEYOND), but it’s mandatory], my web hosting costs and my phone bill… 

    Ah meoooow I need to tell you soo much about the last two days, still. I’ll show it to you in pictures:

    Me going to the bathroom right before impulsively going to the city center with someone I just met, thinking: “Should I really do this?” And then thinking: “Yess. I wouldn’t care if something bad would happen.” I had a nice time :].

    I made a picture of these doors, because I thought them being B-sized was hot asfff [=as fuck]. Benoît is tall and hot, so these doors are tall and hot ahahaha¿

    There’s another picture in yesterday’s post

    I wanted to be at home with this, because I feel that at home, my stress levels are different.

    My stomach hurts so much that I can’t hold in my stomach the way I usually do when I take a picture

    Meoww I hope I will be able to tell you about how the night two days ago was cool [and I ended up sleeping in my own room, by myself, the way I wanted to], how I find my doctor so crazy attractive that I want to befriend him [I gave him my business card, too :D. He’s on my mind often, now. He’s so goood with his hands [I’m talking osteopathy. And he plays the piano, toooo] and he untied my bra strap with one hand and reattached it at oncee omggg I lakeddd [without mentioning it]. He was the first person who has ever done that awesomeness to me, in my entire life. Aside from myself… Benoît still has the high score of being in my thoughts, though], how I’ll be going back to Düsseldorf today – but I can’t spend the night there, because I’m broke asf – and how another person ended up asking my phone number, in one of the most spontaneous and kind ways I’ve experienced this far, while I was standing in line to order my salad and that my visit to the gynaecologist was so expensive, I became even more worried about my financial future. 

    I’m thinking of placing click ads on here… Then, I’ll need to buy a personalized online privacy and terms and conditions statement, though… 

    Ohh and I want to describe my nightmares, of which the images are unfortunately “saved on my retina”. 


    I want to just stay in Düsseldorf… The driving will make me so tired. It’s also less stressful being there. But cheap hotels feel as if the air there is full of dust… And expensive hotels make me broker… 

    Oohhh I see the practice I need to return the ECG to, closes at 8 PM… No need to rush, thus… I want some proper rest, my meow :[. 

    Oh and last night I had such a nice conversation with a friend of mine, on Whatsapp. We’ll probably be chilling tomorrow. I’m considering temporarily moving in with her, because she’s open to it. She’s so sweet <3. I hadn’t leveled with her in so long. I’ve been so blinded by shitty friendships, that I intend to assume that all of my friendships are shitty. But she’s the first person of whom I’ve heard the “parenting methods of the Surinamese culture” have caused her emotional pains. Before hearing that from her, I thought I was the only one experiencing it in that way… 

    Yesterday, I wrote less, because the headache I had was killing meeee. I try to stare at screens less. 

    11:58 (AM) 

    Eggs, noodles, soy, endive, “bol courgette” [genetic manipulation is real asff]

    Whipping some late breakfastt. I’ll not be able to leave at 12… I want to have dinner with my doctor, but he has an appointment at 07:30 PM :[. 

    I’m so in dubio over what to do after returning the test… 

    17:18 (05:18 PM)

    I’m quite glad that I made it to Meerbusch alive. I don’t have anything with me, except my little backpack, because I intended to drive back home today. But I feel far to weak [if you knew how much effort it takes me to shift gears…] and light headed and shit to be driving back for nearly three hours. 

    So I booked a hotel room 3 minutes away from here. Fucking sucks that I didn’t take my Seneca book with me :[.

    18:08 (06:08 PM) 

    If you’re in the mood for some roof top tea, holla at me… *smooth face*

    19:03 (07:03 PM) 

    Oh my godd I need a date :[. But the food is nice :].

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Wednesday, October 10, 2018

    09:46 (AM) 

    Good morning <3

    I succeeded in my mission, yesterday! I’ve had a lot of spontaneous fun :D. Pictures will be uploaded später haha. 

    While I was getting ready, earlier, I received a phone call, with the request if I allow someone else to claim the domain name I said “Yes.” My .com domain is only there as a memory of my first business. 

    Now I’m going to finish my breakfast and then pack and check outt xxx

    [Here’s a draft of the rest of what I’ve written yesterday:]

    11:08 (AM) 

    Meerbusch is pretty asff =0. I saw such beautiful sights, while driving there. 

    And I spotted a (water¿) tower

    Meoww. [I’m in the practice to the left of the pharmacy you see in front of the line of cars closest to my perspective in this picture (your perspective, too, since you’re looking at the picture ehe :D)]

    I’m in the waiting room. The “funny” thing is that when the “guide” [every Dutch patient there was guided] barged in, our conversation abruptly ended. This was mid-explanation of what I exactly have, what the effects of that are and further treatment and further research to find solutions to the other health complaints I have. So when the woman at the reception asked me why I have an appointment, “Because I had an appointment with him yesterday,” was the only thing I could reply. [Why is that relevant for her to know?] 

    I met a fabrics salesman from Italy, yesterday. While I was eating my dessert, he walked in and said “Hi.” He sat at the bar (you can see his shoes on the picture of my dessert). I was thinking: “He’ll be the one I’ll give my business card. But how do I start this conversation…?” 

    I said: “Nice shoes :D.” And that’s how the conversation started. We spoke about so many different things. Partially in English, partially in German and partially in Italian (with me writing things and then translating them via Google translate [meoww I wish I posted

    12:21 (PM) 

    I just took a urine test. I maybe still have the same infection I had, when I was in the hospital last year. Chlamydia maybe wasn’t the cause of the crazy pains I was in, because in later urine tests it was gone, but I still haven’t been able to lay on my stomach ever since. It hurts. That’s why I went to the doctor after I was allowed to go outside the closed vicinity at Bavo Europoort. [After 24 hours there, I was already allowed to leave, but I didn’t want to see my parents. I was later voluntarily transferred to EMC. I hoped that I could get a second opinion. I didn’t get it [I was not allowed to involve the person who they were calling my psychosis/schizophrenia]. Even though I was there voluntarily, they didn’t let me leave. 

    I still need to finish the earlier part. I’m waiting for the doctor to return¿ I hope I was supposed to go back to his office after peeing for the test¿ 

    Ah yess sws, because we need to make another set of appointments ahahahahahahahaha. Finally I can get the 24 hour heart analysis I wanted. And arrange a massage focused on pressure points [I didn’t even know that that exists, but it 

    Grrrr why the kanker fuck is dit nieuws? I think it’s a pretty outfit? Why the fuck do I need to see a notification of this hatred??? The news app is native in my phone, so when I delete it, it goes back to the fabrieksinstellingen

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Tuesday, October 9, 2018

    06:57 (AM)

    Gooooood morning!  😀

    I love being awake early, with a purpose for being awake early. 

    Slippers, camera, other stuff…

    Haha I’m going to put my toothbrush in a plastic bag. I put it there so that I could walk downstairs with all of my bags at once

    Dark asfff

    I’m preparedd [spot messss]

    10:49 (AM) 

    I’m waiting to be called in for my MRI. Ah meoww I see myself going back home again =.= This Dutch lady “guiding me” is so rude in the Dutch sense of communication standards.

    12:02 (PM) 

    Meow… There needs to be a solution to the way I feel :[. I don’t want to go back home to the same situation, feeling just as shitty as I do now… 

    This center doesn’t have beds. Part of me is glad about this for some reason. (The scent in a hospital always makes me sick to my stomach.) But I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while. 

    Ah meow, can the coming 24 hours just last forever? I want to find love… Truly loving friends, too. 

    I’m nervous for my cycling test… 

    Is it because I’m black, that some Dutch people are solely out to debunk every word I say? At some point I still have 1001 arguments as to why I think how I go about things is right. I don’t even understand why the fuck someone would want to debunk that in the first place. 

    I’m sooo sick and tired of that. I want someone else to tell me where to find the right doctors that are on my schedule here. (But I’m not saying that =.=)

    13:10 (01:10 PM) 

    I’m in another waiting room, waiting to have “the final conversation”. 

    So basically what I’m doing is undergoing a few doctor’s examinations. The appointments are made via a Dutch company, in a German clinic. There are a few Dutch people here who guide you to the department you have an appointment at. They then tell the people at the reception of the department that you’re there and you’ll be seated in a waiting room. 

    This woman seriously said: “You have no heart.” As a joke. I don’t want to spend time with that type of people anymore. The problem is that 90% of the people I know and meet on my path are like that. She asked me how it went. I told her that they had trouble finding my pulse. That’s when she made that “joke”. I’m not in the mood for that type of laughs (ever). I want them to find something. The fuck maynee I paid €1130 for this… 

    People who make offensive jokes always say: “You should just be able to take a joke. When you don’t laugh or feel offended.”

    What I want to say is: “You just have no fucking sense of humor?” But I can’t be this impolite in a real life conversation. The darkness I express in these posts is never visible on the surface. Unless I’m being attacked verbally or physically. Because that is the animal-like shit the type of people who make offensive jokes do, and I need to be prepared for that. 

    Especially in a professional setting, you can never say: “You have no heart,” as a joke, I think. What the fuck…

    In the second paragraph of 12:02 PM, I say “I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while”. By that, I mean that I actually really want to stay away from home forever and never come back, because my social environment there has become such a great stress factor for me. [I felt such a huge weight being taken off my shoulders, when I heard the navigation system say: “Welkom in Duitsland.”]

    But, of course, if I were to drive to Italy now – or even stay in Germany – and get a temporary job and an apartment there, until I manage to put into practice the final steps of what I still need to do for my international publishing company [I need to recruit/attract writers and artists…], my parents are still going to want me close to them. Which is kind of freaking me out…? They’ll report me missing again… 

    14:23 (02:23 PM) 

    Something I hadn’t mentioned here yet, is that antipsychotics are dopamine blockers. My opinion is that that freaky shit shouldn’t exist. Hands off my dopamine, please. It’s natural… 

    I think this sad pet mode version of me is a result of being indoctrinated and being forced to swallow that shit against my will. I don’t think it will ever change, if I wouldn’t suddenly be surprised by a reader who’s Cuddle. I won’t be able to save myself all by myself… 

    Still in the waiting roomm. Apparently they’ll make an echo of my heart as well. 

    Meoww I pee a thousand times per hour man ahahahah. 

    The pain I’m in and the bags underneath my eyes are why I won’t be going to do a photoshoot anymore. I’m under so much stress, that I’m thinking of going for a massage tomorrow. 

    I guess I also need someone to talk to. I don’t think it should necessarily be a professional. I think it should be someone who understands my ambition, because he or she truly is ambitious, too. (Not someone who just says things, but isn’t able to empathize.) Also, for “real second opinion” reasons, I’d like this to be someone from abroad. 

    My life would be perfect, if I would replace the people who cause pain, with those who make me feel loved. I need to be around optimists, to be my optimistic self. Being an optimist around pessimists, leads to them talking your optimism down all of the time. 

    I want to believe that I can live the life I want to live… [But part of me is like: “If shit doesn’t change fast, while I’m here, I’d rather commit suicide than go back home.”]

    Meoww my battery is low. I’ll film when I’m in my hotel room, by the way. My battery is too low and I feel quite awkward filming myself in public… Even though I’ve done it before. Part of me also doesn’t want to capture this… 

    I spend so much time by myself, my body and soul crave for a loving touch. But a truly loving one… 

    If I ever need any type of treatment, I’ll be going abroad…

    16:21 (04:21 PM) 

    Ah good news always makes me feel so much better :D. 

    And so does my sexy hotel rooomm

    I was in dubio about how I’ll spend the rest of my day here, but I my choice was made with a lot of ease, after the man at the reception told me that there are a sauna and a bar here :D. That’s where I’ll be going after dinner.

    I’ll take a shower and then go for dinner. I’m having a great time :D. 

    What is even more amazing, is[, this is such a random thing to find amazing,] that I have two more doctors appointments tomorrow!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah. The doctor who made the echo of my heart proposed this. Ah meoww I’ll tell you all about it, after I’ve taken a shower. Meoww I want a shower like that in my future bedroom ehehehe. 

    I used to make videos, but nobody watched them… So now I don’t know if I should make videos or not. I feel so awkward having a little amount of views…

    So I’ll be typing? Not having videos (that are unedited) is also good for fending off un-cuddles. [Un-cuddles are people who suckkk.]

    17:44 (05:44 PM) 

    Meoww. For some reason, when I try to update this article, it doesn’t work. The error doesn’t show why?? 

    Ohh it can’t process emojis, haha. As an automatism, I used this smiley face emoji with one drop on its head, expressing “the awkward smile”. So when I press “update” now, it will work! 

    18:40 (06:40 PM) 

    “No, you don’t need to wear eyeliner. Your eyes are beautiful already! Next time, you’ll have the confidence to not wear a wig. Comfy shoes over anything! You’re awesome, babe <3”

    Date night for 1 againn. 

    Trying to find the right angle to show you my shoes

    This was before that

    Trippy fade action picsss

    Me thinking “oh my godd eye contactt” *heart trips out* [when I look at anyone]

    Because sometimes it looks like I’m undressing you with my eyes? It happens naturally, but to some people [who just see a body and not a person] I don’t want to do this

    Found it loool

    The hotel is so prettyyy. I’ll make more pics later¿

    Ayy I wonder where my German readers are from¿ Meoww I want to hang out with Cuddless. I’m thinking of extending my stay¿ Ohh yess here comes the info about what else happend in between 10 AM and 4 PM: [What I’m thinking now is: “German lawyer?” If the Dutch legal support sucks just as bad as the Dutch medical support…]

    At the MRI, very shortly after the examination, I got the results, which showed that there was nothing odd going on with my brain. That’s really chill, on the one hand. But I still need a clarification for the movement of my skull. All of these dumb motherf****s say: “Oh, it must be stress.” [Without any real fucking analysis.] As if you see people with shaking skulls every day. I have NEVER met anyone who has that, too. So I need a different type of examination to prove my point: it’s not stress. Yes, I’m stressed out, but that’s from the thought of them getting all hyped and turned on over being “right”, while they’re not. I need my peace of mind. 

    It’s cool that I got a disk with what my brain looks like. It’s like it’s too big for “its shell”¿ There’s a slight possibility I can fix this while I’m still here [double context].

    This reminds me of that one ASKfm question about what kind of food I’m in the mood for

    During the heart echo, I got this “Oh my god” attack again, when he asked me what was up [a description of my complaints]. That’s what I have, as a result of bitch n**gas as deputies of the Dutch health system, solely asking me that question, because they want me to be “submissive” to their conclusions about me, while I don’t want to tell them anything, because that submission is the only thing they want to use my words for. I only talked to show them my perspective, which was the EXACT opposite of their perspective. 

    The thing is, my list of symptoms is soooooo loooooong, and I want to not talk about myself too much, because I have the feeling people don’t know how to respond to it, or that they’re not interested, or that they’ll use my words against me for no reason, like those doctors did. Okay, it’s not “for no reason”: IT’S CHEAPER. I feel more safe in Germany, when it comes to that philosophy. As if there are more “abundance thinkers” here, like me… 

    Anyway,  I started to name a few things. At some point, I named my family as a huge stress factor, somehow almost captivating every single move I make, even when they’re not around. And how I don’t feel home within the Dutch social culture. By that, I mean the directness; insulting jokes; the negatively predicting of outcomes, without having tried it before; solely saying things to provoke a negative reaction “because it’s fun”; etc… I used the joke of the “guide” as an example. 

    He was so kind to me… At some point, I actually came loose, after my brain being done with the discrete “Can I trust you?” analysis. [I closely observe facial expressions, when a response is being spoken out. To figure if it’s genuine or not. I analyze unspoken, hidden intentions. A lot of my “friends” fail this test. I don’t mention this, though.] It’s basically the first time I completed the test. The test didn’t exist, before those “health care professionals” came into my life, last year.

    “Haha” [out of nervouness to initiate what I want to tell you] him touching me turned me on. It had been decades since someone else had turned me on. I’m used to being grabbed. This was different [thank god “different” exists in this context]. Of course – this is how I am – I did not mention this and did not physically act out of this feeling. Some people will say: “Of course. Why would you do that like that?” Others will say: “Hey ga je dat lekkers zomaar uit de weg? Hoe dichter bij de nul, hoe strakker om je lul, zal zijn gedachte zijn.” 

    I’m not an animal… If you want to believe that you’re an animal, than go ahead and enjoy. 

    Anyway, he offered to make an appointment at the gynaecologist at the clinic and invited me to come over to his own practice tomorrow. At some point, this “guide” came, so our conversation basically ended. “We’re not allowed to do this.” As in: Privatescan is the mediator, taking a big share. Usually, when you get clients via a mediator, the “rule” is that you keep doing this via the mediator. But you can’t really keep your foot down, as a Dutch organization abroad… 

    So now, even for an itching toe, I’ll be going to Germany. The doctor advised me to take serotonin. Haaaaaa if it were the Netherlands, they would give me some medicine with a fucking strange name, with more side-effects than effectivity. [Making that is cheaper. Dead people is also cheap, because the government has the right to a share of your heritage, if you’re Dutch. (Do other countries do this, too? I think it’s the most disgusting thing you could ever do to people who are mourning.) Also, the country is overcrowded, so “making some space” and the money shift you make when you move into a new place, are good post-dead people moves, if you’re a money hungry creep. Ew, this shit gives me chills… 

    21:04 (09:04 PM) 

    Alcoholic beverage number threee ahaha. 

    The first glass was some bubbly white wine [I picked after tasting two] called “Sex, drugs and rock and roll” [from the title, I didn’t expect myself to like that wine]. Then I had Hine VSOP. Now I’m having Hine XO. 

    So it will be sauna + sleep¿
    I would “love” [it’s still quite lonely, though] to go to a dancing party abroad, by myself. The easiest place to meet people is on the dancefloor! 

    Not today, though. I need to be in Meerbusch at 11 AM. 

    Part of me wants to give myself the task to give someone my business card, riiiight now. There’s so much Graey here ehehehehee. 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Monday, October 8, 2018

    00:32 (12:32 AM) 

    Hanging out was nice :]. I really needed that change of scenes. 

    Meoww, one day left until a possible positive and new turning point in my life. I’m excited either way: I’m in desperate need of new experiences. I could also “use some Graeyniss” in my life right now… It’s nice to do the things I used to do, socially, but the inner craving for working on myself and my career, needs to be satisfied on the level I want it to be on, for me to be able to provide myself with the comfort I desire. 

    By comfort, I don’t mean owning a lot of material for the sake of owning it. I mean having the space and tools to do the things I like doing: to make music, play sports, write and to *synonym of “do”* other forms of being creative and doing business. Because I like doing things and I want to achieve things within my spectrum of reasoning. I do not want to live the same routine, because, personally, I think that that has nothing to do with living. It’s doing what is necessary to survive, which is cool: I want to survive, too, [most of the time, lately, because I think I see the path to prosperity, I think… But in the long term, I’m still in need of my B, for both mental and physical reasons, honestly…] but I want to see more of life than what you see when you’re “just surviving”. 

    Even though I’ve never done this before – and part of me says that it is indirectly socially prohibited from their side – I would love to know what it’s like to spend most of my time with Graeynissis [= not necessarily – but in my “”stereotypical”” mental image almost always “the feature” for a friendly match – grey haired men. Any type of person who has that same intense desire to be successful and get the most out of life, experiencing very different things regularly, not wanting to live a continuous cycle forever]. I always want the type of conversation I can’t have with just everyone. 

    I wonder, when you spend time with someone of the sex you’re attracted to, do you then always intend this to lead to intimacy?

    I’m attracted to both men and women. Never have I really ever made that type of move on a girl, though, because I might faint from the “but are you in to me or not¿” and then the thinking of: “I want to please you better than I please myself, but I’ve never done this before with someone of the same sex…” 

    The way I prefer to see a physically intimate relationship develop itself, is by first becoming close friends. In our friendship, love should already be deeprooted, for it to be comfortable in the long term, I think. We’ll always need water or something else to drink, when we’re together, because we have so much to talk about, that our throats start to get extremely dry after a while. I should be very passionate about who you are and what you do, and you should feel the same way about me. 

    When we’re doing this as friends, and we’re both [aside from mentally] physically attracted to each other, this form of unspoken – if you’re doing it “right”, by which I mean that the experience of the following emotion is only possible by not having attraction as the first topic of conversation [this is important, because if the physical relationship doesn’t last, attraction will fade as a topic of conversation, leaving nothing to talk about, if the relationship was built on solely physical attraction] – attraction will suddenly blossom itself, because this form of “amical abstinence” has become a physical challenge, because our bodies are craving for each other… With that short/long waiting period, the orgasm you’ll experience is much better than when sex is the focus of the interaction from the start. [The both aspect is sooo important. I’m so tired of dudes trying to get in my pants… I need to be able to let out my self-expression on the details of my empire/legacy, in which I don’t want to be alone, but I currently kind of am, when it comes to details and actively working towards it… Also, I suck at saying “no”… (So did my needs, but that has been fixed, for mutual ambitions now fully determine if I’m able to get turned on from someone or not.)] 

    I haven’t – except for once, recently, in a high pace, where, unfortunately, the height difference and the difference in how we go about our ambitions take away the spark, for me – had this type of relationship, ever. It’s just what I’ve been imagining since I was very young(“er”), basically… This imagining includes/included all cuddled up playing video games in bed, being shown everything he/she has ever written, mutual judgment – finishing each other’s sentences – and always solely lift each other up. Never the opposite. That because I think I’ve basically just taught myself breathing techniques to survive strokes [of the heart… I guess it suits the sexual context as well, but that’s still oriented on the “my heart really sometimes feels as though it’s gonna give out”-perspective, “because” if you don’t take my tight walls into consideration…]. Bullshit fights in a relationship hurt my heart too much. I prefer to avoid pain and easily make new friends, so I’m ve-ry Stoic when it comes to losing relationships. Especially if we’re not working towards the same thing, in the long term.

    *Random “intermezzo”*: I’m thinking of publishing music under the name of “Lil Fangs”…? And then writing (and doing business…¿) under Daniëlle Lucy [sounds a bit like a bed cat name haha, but I likee. Is it the type of name about which a jealous person in a relationship would say: “Don’t look at her” [which is a down side, just like that form of losing your right to attraction]]…..? 

    Today is my mother’s birthday. I have a quite nice idea for a birthday present (which I’ll buy today)… 

    I’m going to sleep. It’s 02:09 now. It was 00:07 when I started to write this post. 


    08:19 (AM) 

    My sleep was abruptly stopped by “the climax” of this crazy nightmare I just had, a little earlier. They say that vividly remembering your dreams the next day isn’t possible. I say that if it’s lucid, fun, hot and/or traumatizing enough, it will stick with you, for the rest of your life. 

    After scaring up, I first pillow cuddled out the remaining amount of fear sensation pumping through my body, and just laid down and reasoned a while, after that. Then I decided to write it down, because even though I felt a lot of fear – which I didn’t express in my lucidity – I found the story and the thrill quite interesting. 

    I dreamt (or should I say “nightmared”¿) the following:

    I was at a performance night at the university I used to go to, with my family. I call it that university, because I called it that in my dream, but the premises looked completely different. It was some sort of event where everyone brought their relatives. At some point during the evening, while looking outside the left wall that was fully made of glass, we saw that part of the ground outside – exactly all of it, starting from just a few steps away from the left side of the building – was slowly ascending, until it was positioned vertically. The water inside the (fucking) big lake on the premises, poured over the building first, followed by other water, until the water was as high as the vertically positioned land. [I want to draw what I mean by vertically positioned land. After I’ve found the energy to get up and eat something, I’ll do that.] 

    The building was getting filled up with water. Everyone was taken over by primitive urges to survive. Some broke out in chaos, others made their way, as if they had been trained for this situation. Somehow, I had the privilege of being allowed inside the university’s tower, which was attached to the building we were in, with a shaft that was later closed. [It’s funny how, through my perception as a person in that dream, I was acting semi-calm, and my real body thought: “Wtf am I doing???” Because I acted as if I had been trained, but of course, I had never seen it before, because a dream/nightmare is – mostly… At least, in this context – a one-time experience.]

    I wore the best looking diving suit ever. [I’d never seen the design before, but I would wear this suit even if when not being in the water, because it looked so comfortable and pretty.] In some sort of closed off (from chaos) half inner circle part of the building, where the entrance to the shaft, to the column the reverse triangle shaped top of the very large tower was built on, was, we waited until the water levels were high enough to swim to the part of the tower, made for us to be in. I was waiting there with my mother and sister. My father had a higher type of privilege, and was entering the shaft and part of the tower somewhere else. 

    While waiting, we got into a verbal fight over nothing. They were still defending the system. I told them that I didn’t understand their defending and patriotism. A “funny” detail I remember, is that “They didn’t even play the “first Monday of the month” alarm sound, while they must have seen this coming.” [Sarcastic “ha-ha”, 2020…..]

    I separated myself from them, when having gone through the shaft. I stayed in this part of the building where only girls lived. There, I got into a nonsensical fight, too. This girl, who was someone who attended the same high school as I – I’ve exchanged about 6 words in total with her, in my 4 entire years there – was first crying because soon, there was going to not be any television and Netflix anymore. I said that that’s actually something that made me feel so comfortable. [I feel like an outcast for not enjoying those things, now. By the way, I have no clue why she’s a nightmare villain.] 

    She accused me of being inconsiderate, which kind of got on my nerves. [I only said that I have different preferences???? I didn’t mention that when she started to cry. It was in the post-sadness conversation.] 

    While she was making tea, with one of our last bits of electricity, she did something so fucking random, which made the water boiler catch fire. While agitated, I put out the fire. 

    We then continued arguing. At some point, she decided to try to kick me. I got soooooo fuuucking angry from her audacity to do this. I found the reason for a fight so fucking dumb to begin with. My real body in its sleep state felt the anger, too. I grabbed the foot she tried to kick me with, and kept tossing her against the ground, until she stopped trying to attack me. The tossing motion was swinging her leg over my shoulder, followed by the rest of her body, one of her shoulders, followed by her head [because it’s sideways] touching the ground first. 

    The day after, I went to the library, to strategize, by myself. I had no friends or anyone (else) I could reason with, in that part of the building. I sat there, thinking: “I want to be outside and have the space to run again. I want to feel things like the wind and the light of the Sun on my body. We’re under water so deep, that seeing the surface might never be possible. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I need to get away from here, where everyone is in “survival mode”, doing the most crazy shit and being even more untrustworthy. I want to be an artist and a scientist. But it will take me years to distinguish myself here and rank-up my privilege. The thought of experiencing this shit for that long drives me crazy! And I miss Benoît so much…”

    And then I woke up with my right temple throbbing. It felt as if I had been screaming in real life and had taken a hit to the head.

    17:02 (05:02 PM) 

    Some responses to my ASKfm questions have shocked me. My answer to the question would be “no”. 

    I need to edit the picture. For that I use Whatsapp (lol). But that means that I “have to” answer my text messages. So be “right” back. [22 messages]

    I’m in the metro, on my way to the city center. 

    17:46 (05:46 PM) 

    17 new messages. I still haven’t made the screenshots, but I’ve made the image I told you about earlier. I wanted to make an “extensive” drawing, but this is all I can do:

    I’m so tired…. 

    First I was so cold. I was wearing my winter jacket to the city center. I’m now on my way home. I took off my jacket, mann….. I’m sweating so heavily, “ahahaha” [is what I do when I get nervous about the topic of conversation]. 

    I might book a last minute train ticket to Düsseldorf, instead of driving for two hours… I feel like I can pass out at any second. But I’d rather die than take someone with me who can fuck up the entire medical examination, so… 

    I’m still in dubio… Driving is cheaper… I just bought myself a gift, too, since I “lost” my previous pair… My mother might be keeping an eye on my blog (to see if I’m smoking weed), so I’ll post what I bought after giving it. 

    19:54 (07:54 PM) 

    Here’s what I bought for my mother:

    What I bought for myself:

    I’ll wear them downward facing, though

    I’m paleee

    Current statuss

    21:28 (09:28 PM) 

    meow I have a fever

    But the food is nicee. Ik heb mn eigen hoofdgerecht samengesteld haha

    Battery is going to dieeee

    23:51 (11:51 PM) 

    “If they find nothing, you’ll have to look elsewhere.” 

    “They’ll find something.”

    [Fucking hate these conversations. I will never go to that TV therapist they’re bribing. Last time THESE ****** [my parents] were saying (while I was in serious pain): “Oh, no. It’s nothing. She’s faking it. She’s psychosomatic.” And these fucking doctors believed themmmmmm. 

    Meoww I’m excited about visiting Düsseldorf. I’m a little nervous about whether they’ll find something or not. 

    I really want them to find something. Anything. 

    Last time I went to IJsselland ziekenhuis, October 6, 2018, it was actually only for a regular check up. “Luckily” I somehow was in so much pain, I couldn’t sit straight anymore.** I was so happy to not have to sleep in my own bed.

    I would love it if they were to let me stay over there to further examine me. If this happens – I’m telling you this is a conscious decision and I am in my right mind – just like last time I was in the hospital and these motherf****s were being inconsiderate as fuck: I do not want my parents to be allowed to visit me. Just seeing them, hearing them or thinking of them, makes my internal pains, stress levels and heart rate (while hurting like craazyy) increase on a level beyond what you would expect for a 21-year-old. These people in ijsselland first kept letting them come through, even though I told them these people make me feel like I’m about to die. 

    In the most ideal situation, Benoît would be my visitor [haha I told these people at ijsselland that the only visitors allowed were he, my grandmothers and my sister. They didn’t listen at alllll]. I would also like to see Ben and Milkyas. [First time posting friends’ names here.] I would love to see those who love my writing. I do not want to see those who I’ve been hanging out with, but actually don’t know who I am. If you, after I’ve been by your side for years, now still ask me to extensively text or tell you what I’m doing with my life, for the zillionth time, just so that you can comment on it: your commentary is giving me a stroke. I do the opposite of appreciating it, but I don’t say this, because commentary on my statement about how I don’t like your type of predictable negativity, is going to make my pain increase even more. 

    With other people on my friend list, I’m not certain if their words will nearly kill me or not. I like to play it very safe, when it comes to that…

    ** When I went there: “I hope they’ll let me stay,” was what was on my mind. I was already in pain and barely able to walk, when I got there. I took an extra pair of panties with me, just in case. It was reaallyyy fucked up that the pain and stress doubled, but if this medical examination confirms my thoughts on my health situation, I can finally legally redeem from that and start a new life.

    I hope flehs won’t read this before I leave. They might just prevent me from leaving. [I have the same feeling as when I secretly went to the US. Secretly, because they find the US “too far for me”. FUCK. THEM.]

    If they say: “You have one week left.” I’d think: “I’m still fucking glad to hear that I won’t be stuck living in my parents house for much longer.”

    If they say: “We have found something very unique in your brain. I’ll contact him for you…” I’d think: “YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! :DDDDD *confetti* [ahahahahahah] My days of craving for him so heavily ARE FINALLY OVER. PLUS: KA-CHINGGGGGGGG I TOLD THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THERE WAS NOOO NEED FOR ANTIPSYCHOTICS. They’ll have to pay for the irrefutable damage they have done to my (and his) live.”

    If they say: “You’re healthy. There’s nothing to see here.” I might as well kill myself because this pain is unbearable and I have a court case to win with certaintyyyy. The right examination results will give me the certainty I need. 

    For sure there’s something. If they don’t find it: in the Netherlands I’m a dead woman walking. Here, when they think of helping a patient, they take the costs, the remaining life span and what he/she is able to do with his/her life, into consideration. If you’re a 25-year-old stock broker, they’ll give you the best treatment. If you’re 77 and you have a very unique illness, they’ll not let you live. That’s the shit they did to my grandfather… 

    Meow :[ *slight change of topic* 

    It’s a crazy kick in the face hearing from your phycisian that she is convinced that I’m incompetent and that I belong in the world of being bossed around by these freaky doctors who probably just get turned on from the power they have over their patients. [Lie detector test?] Why the fuck else would you keep me stuck there for so fucking long? I’ve been sooo calm there. If you misbehave, you get an injection of antipsychotics in your ass and you’ll be put in a separation/isolation cell for as long as they want you to be there. Some have been in there for daaaayssssssss. There’s a mattress on the floor and a pot to piss in. (This one dude I met used his shit to fingerpaint.) Food gets shoved underneath the door every now and then. THERE’S A FUCKING CAMERA IN THAT CELL. 4 WHITE WALLS, A SHITTY MATTRESS AND A POTTY. If someone were to try to put me in there, I would kill him/her with my bare hands. That’s why I stayed so calm. I’m so intolerant of their medication shit and afraid of needles that I’d try to inject the person trying to inject me. The problem is that there’s no way out, because first-timers always start at the closed vicinity. I have no mental illness. I shouldn’t have been in that fucking traumatizing place FOR THREEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSS. FUCK. MY. PARENTS. 

    The shit I go through, to just have a proper place of my own… I let myself be taken in for a second opinion, because the first opinion – of my parents – had given those dumb motherfuckers ground for their diagnosis. Their words got me in this shit. I didn’t tell them anything (which is why they listened to my parents). 

    I hate that they’re so convinced that they’re right. Because it’s bullshit. [And they hateeeee that I never said that I believe them and that “I’m sorry for making them worried.” HELL FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOO. These people have let me bleeed for monthsssss. They didn’t interact with me then. I do not feel sorry about them thinking about me for 5 minutes while watching Netflix, while I had devoted all of my previous life they have destroyed with their bullshit rumors, TO MAKING THEIR LIVES BETTER, TOO.]  I hope this day will finally show that I’m right. I want to win. The argument. The court case. The life I do deserve. Grrrrr meowwww. 

    Why I bought such an expensive gift? It might as well be the last gift you ever receive from me. Either I die, or I start a new life. Buying this gift is part of the proof that I’m a good person and she cannot ruin my image even more. [I mean, since she made me fill up her gas tank so often, with my self-earned money, for example. Not giving me an allowance, while together earning more than €12.000 per month. This. Shit. Stresses. Me. Out.]

    If I were to go to Düsseldorf and never go back to the Netherlands ever, I would not give a fuck. It would be a relief, actually. But these flehs seem like the type of people who would then say “my car got stolen” and then let me be in jail [They say: “If you ever fuck up and end up on a police station, I’m letting you stay there, so you can learn your lesson.” Why the fuck weren’t you castrated? That’s such mental abuse. I bet that’s why I was at the police station for hoursssssss, too……] and then I’d be stuck being their motherfucking house slave for the rest of my life, because then even working 9 – 5 would be mission impossible. (I’d commit suicide, for sure.)

    So yeah, I’m going to Düsseldorf. I’m hoping on an extended medical examination and am willing to empty out the rest of my savings for that. I’m hoping to see the people I love and to distance myself from those who bring me stress. I’m secretly hoping to start a new life from there, but I don’t have the funds for this and I’m stuck with this car my good heart wants to return [even though I could live in it].

    I’m all packedd. [Suitcase + mini backpack + “loose slippers”]

    Haha every time I pack, I pack all of my most valuable notebooks, because I don’t want these nosy ughhhhhhs to go through my stuff. They did this, when they were looking for clues, when I was missing. [Probably looking for a suicide note.] I do notttt want that to happen again. I also took both of my external hard drives. 

    Leaving this at home because I’m crossing the border loll

    Last time, I took extra panties, but I only had basketball shorts my mother had brought to me, after she had taken my sweatpants [AND HOUSE KEY. I SOOOO HOPE TO RETURN THAT KEY FOR GOOOOOOOOD BIIIIIIIITCH] home, without asking me. It was sooo cold and it made ugh hospital personnel call the ambulance to bring me to the institution, which was right across the hospital. A 2 minute walk. I had to pay MORE THAN €360 FOR THAT. THEY TOOK A DETOUR. [YEAH, THEY’RE ON MY SUE LIST, TOO.]

    This time – just in case – I have taken some more loungewear with me. I’ve also taken along a dress, in case I’m not spending the night there and I’m taking myself on a date again. Jeeezzz I’d love to not have another dinner for 1 in a new scene, but it does save me from shitty conversations, often. [Haha “sometimes” could have been the expected word, instead of “often”. I dislike extensively talking about other people who are not present at the conversation. Shit like: “Oh *random name* has become a hairdresser now. Do you know where she lives? Do you know where that is?” And then take half an hour to describe a place I’ll never visit. 

    If we’re having a conversation, I want to keep the focus on you and me. We can also talk about things that include other people, but the emphasis should be on us. If we have nothing in common, I’ll be stressing myself out, trying to keep the conversation going. Not enjoying shit, because it’s forced and we have nothing in common.]

    Ah meoww I rant when flashbacks take a hold of me. 

    It’s 01:30 AM now. Four and a half hours to sleep left. 

    I’m thinking of making little videos to post, tomorrow. It’s heavy going through this shit all alone. Then, it will be like you’re there with me <3. 

    I’m also taking my camera :D. 

    Good night <3


    Oh, by the way: I mentioned that I lost my earrings, but my mother had put them in her jewelry box! (Why? Why¿ “So that you can’t lose them.” But I didn’t know that they were there, so they were lost, to me. Other than that FOCUS ON YOURSELFFF OH MY GAAAAAWDDD. I didn’t say that. I only asked why and then said “okay.”) I didn’t have to buy those earrings *set of laughing emojis*. Now I have two of a similar type (and I like the old ones more…)…

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Sunday, October 7, 2018

    00:07 (12:07 AM) 

    The “welcome text” of this website, I have changed againn… Just like the book description of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I. This because I want to semi-keep this website. When is online, when you visit, you will see a pop-up that asks you if you want to visit my new website. This instead of redirecting you right away. I think, to just delete everything at once or make this website unaccessible, is kind of a waste of so many hours of writing and of you keeping up with me for so long. I love you!! ♥ <3

    Another thing I have changed is the scope of Volta, into something less focused on specific emotional concepts. I have changed the types of concepts I’ll address in the book and the way I’ll address them. I want to make it a little less mechanic and more structured as a guide. It is a guidance proposal for the reader and a guide to myself. It becomes your guide, too, if you agree with the method and goals of my proposal. I don’t want to orient the content around the concept of a “guidance proposal”, though, otherwise I’d be making the same “mistake” I made with Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’ll change the concept of the proposal as a separate charity aspect of D.O.C.I.S. International, which won’t include the reader having to chip in, for the goal of the charity to be achieved. 

    Against the will of my mother, I have booked a hotel room in Düsseldorf for one night. I don’t want to drive 6 hours in one day and I would love to explore a city I haven’t been in before. Maybe I’ll be able to make some new pictures for my new website. 

    I just had the impulse to visit a photo studio in Düsseldorf. I’ll “invest” my final savings in that, some cheap legal advice and ???. Today, I also purchased a new personalizable theme for my new blog. I think it’s best to invest what I have, in my business, because I might earn it back (hopefully more, so that I can make a living) in the long run. 

    I’m off to bed

    Good night <3


    15:31 (03:31 PM) 

    If there’s something I find annoying, it’s getting random chores right when I’m about to leave. When I live by myself, I can do the dishes at a time that suits me. Grrrr. 

    Haha meow, anyway :D. I’m now going to drive to a friend’s. We’ll be cooking vegan food and playing Nintendo :].

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Saturday, October 6, 2018

    00:13 (12:13 AM) 

    I have decided to just go back to being “social as fuck”. I do have missed some people I used to spend a lot of time with. There’s still a book I have a lot of inspiration for, though… I have the feeling that if I say “yes” to one hangout, I need to say “yes” to all of them. But then I won’t have any “free time”… So I’m seeking a balance. My weekend is “planned full” with hangouts. I want to keep monday free for writing and Tuesday I’ll be driving to Düsseldorf… 

    I need to change my book descriptions so badd meoww. I don’t know how sometimes my self-expressions become so dark… The feelings I have are never so definitive. I do know that the expression is heartache related. I get this inner rage, from the inner pain I feel, when I think of all of my unspoken words and unnecessary heartache, caused by unnecessary words… And me then not telling that person that he/she is giving me a stroke… 

    Meoww enough about things in relationships I’ll never bring up within that relationship. 

    Now that I’ve spent my US ticket savings on Tuesday’s hospital visit, I’m thinking of going to Milan for a week. [Haha I need a change of scenes soooo badddd.] I’m waiting with booking, until I know what the results from the medical examination are. Just in case I need to stay longer or something… 

    Oh, by the way, my business cards have been delivered yesterday :]

    They’re printed on linen paper :]

    Part of me wants to stay “Fangs”, by the way… Maybe no “Lil”…? I respond to the name “Fangs”, haha… 😀

    Plus, I would like to purchase “ice” fangs, one day… 

    Haha real fangs would be even cooler :D. 

    My fangs do look like little big fangs… 

    Meoww I want someone to playfully bite my neck… 

    Can I say things like that online? Yes, right? Even for way older people to read? [I find it hot when someone twice my age finds me attractive…]

    For some reason I’m soooo hyped about going to Düsseldorf… I hope it will bring me closure… I’m planning on going to the city center afterwards and just look around and stuff… Maybe make some nice pictures.

    Should I spend the night there…? Or should I just drive 6 hours in one day? I’m going alone, because – I haven’t said this to them – I don’t want a repetition of last time, where one of my parents interferes when I explain what I experience. With these psychiatrists, for example, I said: “I’m fine. I was just doing some self reflection the other day, that’s why I was so silent.” [Because if I were to bring up that I was actualy shunning my parents, they’ll want to play “fight mediator” and I fucking hate thattttt.] And then they say: “No, she’s actually not fine. She was doing this and that and blah blah.” 

    I want to get the help I want to get. No one should interfere in that. Especially not when I’m paying €1130 for it… 

    Much love to Leiden, Syosset and Den Haag, by the way, for being my top three regions with the most hits in the month of October :] <3. I hope you don’t feel creeped out by me being able to see this. Your IP address reveals your location to the parties who monitor it – unless you actively block it. I can’t see who you exactly are, or even what your age is or anything. I can only see the totals, no individual information. This is a feature that comes with any webhost. Personally, I haven’t installed any cookies or whatever, but I’ve still put the banner there, because I know other parties have its analytics software on any website. So “just to legally be safe”, I put it there… 

    Also Cuddles for China, Germany and Bulgaria, for being in my top five of countries with the most hits on my website this month! <3 [The Netherlands and the United States are the numbers one and two :).]

    [When it comes to countries, I can only see the current month. I discovered this statistics feature today.]

    And many kisses for everyone else who reads this blog! 

    All of you are what keeps me going <33.

    02:06 (AM) 

    I just read a tiny bit of Letters from a Stoic [I love it! I’m too tired to continue to read…] and went downstairs to get a granola bar [because my stomach is already empty and calling for food¿ I ate so much at the restaurant…] and to put some mint and new lemons in my infuser bottle.

    Now I’m here to tell you good night

    So good night :] <3

    I love you

    So much 😀


    04:07 (AM) 

    Ha-haaaaa……. Did you know that if you Google “Benoît Crutzen” and you keep scrolling down the images, you find…

    Oops…? Hehe, “Why was I Googling him in the middle of the night?” 

    Because I was searching for more recent images and I can’t sleep and he’s always on my mind and I need cuddlessss… [The last one was not a reason, but just another random aspect of my style of writing. Searching an image will not get me a hug…]

    But “Oops” because there shouldn’t be any drama in your life to have your career stay on its merit, right…? 

    I wish my parents hadn’t interfered with our plans of working together. It feels so childish. How will I ever find someone to work with of his level of intelligence, experience and kindness…? I also miss him as my friend… I really need this cuddle :[…

    The content of the article the image refers to, requires a lot of background information. It was also clearly written when I experienced some stroke-like heartache, from the caps-lock usage and stuff… 

    Either me winning a court case makes everything clear at once, or all of the intense expressions will just be deleted… 

    It feels as if Tuesday is too far away, because my body is aching and tired so much… I could lay in bed for months, is how I’ve been feeling, “increasingly”…

    13:37 (01:37 PM) 

    Hi :]

    I just found out that doki, with the plural dokis, means “lady boner” in Japanese… Δοκισ means “test” in Greek. (That’s not bad, taking the abbreviation into consideration.)

    But I want to settle for a name that isn’t the same as the company name and has more meaning and value to me on a personal level… 

    The part of me that fears to be disliked by the majority, makes me feel like I don’t even want to have a name at all. 

    Daniëlle Lucy sounds cool… Especially when you let the names overlap in your pronunciation. I chose Lucy because of “lux ferre” which means “light bringer” and my belief that evil naturally doesn’t exist. That eternal peace and love is possible for everyone… How’s for a domain name…? 

    Daniëllucy is how a fast pronunciation sounds… Coming close to a hint of the word “illusion”, which is what I currently am in the minds of many. Hopefully, our eyes will meet in real life… 

    It’s not easy to pronounce… They say names should be short and easy to pronounce, because then people find it easy to say and the word will spread itself more easily… Two syllable names or words such as “Face-book” and “Twit-ter” are easy to say. But I think this form of logic actually sounds a bit too simple. 

    It is the concept and strategy that determine success, in the end, I think… 

    When I was 16, and I came up with the business “Unitainers”, people have told me that it won’t become successful, because the name is not easy enough. (That unnecessary harsh critique is what makes me distance myself these days… That and how that makes my heart literally ache so much…) 

    But I don’t want nonsense like that – already predicting “the negative end” while not even having started yet – to get to me… 

    So Daniëlle Lucy it is… I’m going to order the domain now… I wish I could include a feature where you could give your thoughts on my thoughts…

    Wow… I could activate comments on my articles…?

    Ah, Daniëlle Lucy will have this :].

    I disabled comments because I was trying to save myself from heartache. But I think those who have been keeping up with me, won’t have intentions of hurting me. (Neither had some of those who ended up hurting me, maybe…)

    I have a domain name now :]. Now I need new pictures… New books… New articles… (Cooking) videos… 

    “Haha” my heart says, “Please slow it down.”

    So I’ll be writing Volta and thinking a little about how to mini-market the recruitment process for new writers/musicians/other artists categories/”etc” @ D.O.C.I.S. International…. 

    Am I a workaholic…?

    But I’m not earning anthing… x_x

    I’m waiting with activating comments, because Daniëlle Lucy will have less provoking content. In the sense that I won’t be sharing details of personal drama getting on my nerves. It won’t be there anymore! I’m writing out my “semi-stoic” solution in Volta, only paying attention to my experience and emotions – some of which will fade – and not mentioning the personal drama in detail. It will sound quite general. I hope in that way, it can help others as well. 

    18:10 (06:10 PM) 

    I just dashed in and out the Primark to buy a stack of panties. My pussy acid always destroys my panties so fast ahahahhaaha. 

    After that, I went to the Oriental store to do some grocery shopping. Today is my cooking day. 

    The person I was going to chill with, a former teammate of mine, has rescheduled because of work.

    So I’ll be writing tonight. I haven’t written yet, today. Letters from a Stoic is so nice! I suddenly remember how far I used to be in accomplishing certain goals of Stoicism. Volta will bring me (or us¿) back! If you weren’t there already… 

    It takes my heart so much effort to smile

    18:40 (06:40 PM)

    I’ll be making “gele rijst”: the Surinamese Creole dish I also loved a lotttt when I was a kid. One of my grandmothers used to cook it very often. 

    You’ll need: unions, tomatoes, spitskool, celery, masoes, zoutvlees, smoked chicken, rice, “masoes”, laurierblad and pimentkorrels. I’ll also be adding “chicken fachong”, which is a type of sausage. This because there were only a few pieces of chicken in the freezer and the butchery was closed by the time I got there. (I had been bed petting for too long…)

    19:51 (07:51 PM) 

    I want to make cooking videos, but the kitchen is not suitable, because there’s no “cooking island” and it’s also not very picture perfect… 

    That shows the indirect standard I want my own house to meet… 

    As I put the rice in the rice cooker, my parents left to go to a birthday party. If I  had known, I would have just made a simple dinner for one… They let me cook so that there’s food for tomorrow already. 

    Now it’s the art of reason that should assist me in distancing myself from the emotions of slightly feeling being taken advantage of and loneliness. 

    I’m considering to go back to eating “Paleo”… I think, for the status of my heart, where moving, breathing, eating, writing and everything else is actually too much, but I can’t stop, because I’m afraid my parents will call psychiatrists over to the house again – if I were to stay in bed – and I’m so eager to be successful in my career as a writer and entrepreneur… [+ I still have so much music and other ideas I want to put into practice…]

    But eating according to the Paleo diet costs more effort, since I’ll then need to cook for the rest of my family, separately. I’ve followed the diet before the Summer of 2016.

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Friday, October 5, 2018

    13:20 (01:20 PM) 

    Good afternoon :]

    I want Δοκιs to have a much more “established” debut than Lil Fangs had… Established in the sense that what I put out should look professional [even the finest details!] and I need to be out of “bed pet mode”. But as long as I’m dealing with these headaches, the sensation that even when breathing heavily, I still don’t get enough air and heartache that becomes worse when I move, I should not be concerning myself with that. The problem is that I can’t stop… 

    I want to get myself out there and I need to start earning, because otherwise I’ll have to go back to the even more stressful 9 – 5… I would then be settling for a life I absolutely don’t want to live… 

    To succeed in this, I need the perspective of someone else. But currently, negative feedback hurts my heart like crazy. So I guess I’ll wait with that until there’s some sort of solution to these aches I’ve been having for so long that I forgot that it’s not normal to have them… 

    Maybe the perspective won’t include negative feedback, but I have no engagement for a reason… 

    14:39 (02:39 PM) 

    Earlier, I made scrambled eggs with carrots, tomatoes, celery, thyme, an union, garlic and some salt. 

    The conversation I had with my father still stresses me out today. I’ve become so hesitant with speaking my mind. 

    He entered my room yesterday and looked through the copy of The U.S.H.R.. I explained some things about the story concept and how I’m now considering to take out the project aspect. I want to solely write it as a science-fiction story. At first, I told him that he can keep the copy, because I ordered three of them. Later, when I saw him look at the “About Lil Fangs” page, I thought “Oooh shit….”

    We somehow ended up talking about what I want in life, and he said that I should go back to school and get a job. I told him that that will not make me happy or satisfied in my life and that I want my business to be successful. He asked me who I’ve approached for help with my business. I told him my former professor. He said: “And did he help you?” Before I could say: “If you and ma wouldn’t have interfered…” [But I held this back because I was so afraid of re-sparking last year’s fights…] He said: “No! You can better go outside and meet people and talk to random people.” I don’t understand why he’s so against him… 

    Then came up the topic of me wanting my files cleared. He said the best way to achieve that is not by a legal fight, but by going back to talk to these people and taking pills… I told him that doing that is the same as saying: “Please cuff me.” 

    Part of me says “You should listen to your father. They say a father is one of the best and most important avisors in your life.” Another part of me says: “Don’t let him break you. His arguments are not stated to let you live the life you want to live. He wants to see me live the same type of life he does. I’ll never be happy living that.” 

    18:48 (06:48 PM)

    My family dinner outfitt

    Spot the cold sweatt lol

    I haven’t decided on a new domain name yet… I don’t know if Dokis is the right name to begin with… (Haven’t decided on the spelling of it either…) 

    But by the time I have my new domain, when you’d type in, it will redirect to my new website and the content here won’t be accessible anymore… That’s a good thing, right…? Whatever I place on my new domain, won’t include worry about relationships and my career etc… 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Thursday, October 4, 2018

    01:56 (AM) 

    My brain needs rest, but my body is so full of energy. I should have gone running…

    Another factor keeping me awake, is me pondering about my next move. It feels like such a waste of money to spend more than €2000 of the about €2500 in savings I have, on a scan of which you don’t know the outcome. [Other than that, my accounts are basically empty.] Maybe it’s €2000 to hear, “There’s nothing.” Maybe they’ll tell me that I have some disease. It seems fucked up to spend what I saved for relaxation, on this stress. To give up my holiday, to have someone tell me that I’m sick (again)… 

    [That Dutch health care system where care was basically free is looooooooooong goneeeeeeee. Now they’re making profit…]

    I need their findings to back up my court case, though. I’ve been asking for physical research, when I was in the hospital. Because of the stamp of “mentally ill” that was given to me, my physical complaints weren’t taken seriously. 

    But their analysis was shitty anyway. In my medical file, these psychiatrists have seriously added the DSM diagnosis of “having trouble learning”. WHAT. THE. FUCK!?! I kept trying to explain that it was a conscious decision of me to end my studies and that that was not because I wasn’t able to do it. “I had two out of five resits left,” when I quit. I was too busy working on my PR business. They just couldn’t understand that I made that decision, and didn’t take that shit out of my files either. Ughhh the frustration. It haunts me to this day. The only way to end that, is by having a judge state the verdict that [not literally this] their bullshit can be taken out of my files, because it really is bullshit. If Benoît were to testify for me, I will win for sure. I have to win. At least then I can go on a comfortable holiday and live the life I want to live. Not in this gray city… 

    I searched a translation for the word “grauw” and saw that it’s “grey”… But my word Graeyniss is a positive word….. Haha awkward? I is inspired by this impression of sexy wisdom and experience that is given by having grey hair (and wearing grey suits¿ :D). 

    To back up my case, I don’t know where to start… I need to approach a lawyer first (right)¿ Pro Deo is what I can afford… The list of “health care professionals” who have figuratively stabbed me in the heart is ve-ryyyy large, by the way. 

    Ughh this one bloke who came for a consult on behalf of a “psychiatric hospital”, while I was in a hospital bed, in so much pain, that I was first continuously holding my breath and my body was shaking. Then, this (******) says: “Act normal. I’m trying to make a conversation.” These words made my pain increase so much that it made me scream. This (************) says: “You shouldn’t give her painkillers anymore. Give her lorazepam.” I WANT JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I cannot fucking understand how people could have treated me like that. But I bet these false rumors have put oil on the fire. 

    That same motherfucker said: “Dat is zeker die Benoît weer. Hij moet uit je hoofd.” And this while I hadn’t even mentioned him to him.
    It’s also “funny” how many “professionals” have said: “When I talk to you, I don’t notice that you’re a schizophrenic.” Then, EVERY TIME, I said: “That is because it’s not true. You should take it out of my files.” “No, it’s still true.”

    Some. People. Are. So. Fucking. Ignorant. That I now need a lawyer to get some fucking peace of mind. 

    The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I have these situations written out in full detail. 

    I start the back story in the episode with that there was a lump found near my thyroid when I was very young, and that I went to de doctor for this all by myself. (The going by myself was not requested. It was just because I was already able to…) At some point I think I just didn’t go through with the research, because I was so worried, lonely and suicidal. The lump was found, because my throat was a little swollen and I had trouble breathing. It was never removed. The trouble I have breathing now is on a muuuuuuuch different level…. That’s why I don’t want to know… 

    I have so many audio recordings of these shitty “therapy conversations” and summaries of their treatment plans and “findings”, plus my writings of the shitty emotions I was going through, to back up my case. (I was already “preparing the case”, then.)

    There’s no way they’ll win anyway, by the way, because they have treated me as if I had a “rechterlijke machtiging”, but I’ve never had one. Yet still, when I was in the hospital where I wanted to get a second opinion, and, when I asked: “Are you open to a perspective that wants to prove supernatural abilities?” and this (*****) returned: “No. We’re going to give you medication. We just haven’t yet decided on what type,” I have said that I didn’t want to undergo that treatment and that I wanted to leave the hospital. THEY DIDN’T LET ME LEAVE. THIS WAS IN THE SECOND WEEK. I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THREEEEEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IN TOTAL!!!!! I couldn’t escape through the big double doors of which only they had a key… (I haven’t tried, but I’ve seen “other patients” try…) Ugh one of the worst things about being there is that they call you crazy AND they call you by your last name and say “u” instead of “je” [“u” = formal]. It’s so disgusting to hear that someone doesn’t take your words seriously, but then still uses formal language. 

    Ah, on a site of a law firm that also concerns itself with pychiatry cases, I see that receiving a compensation isn’t unusual. *Feels slight comfort*

    But is this “Oude koeien uit de sloot trekken?” [That’s what some of my backstabby friends have said.] That’s a Dutch saying, of which the literal translation is: “Pulling old cows out of the fosse.” The meaning of the saying is basically: “Bringing back a topic of conversation, which has been actively discussed in the past, but is now “almost forgotten”.” A person using that saying in a conversation usually doesn’t want to talk about the topic that has resurfaced. I was asking if it’s that, because they might say that I should have started the case back then? But I still feel like a shit because of it, to this day. In silence, I get these flashbacks and re-live the stress and hurt they put me through. Everything I see around me, reminds me of it. 

    Should I put Nosce Te Ipsum on hold…? Until this is solved? I think you might have already been assuming that in the first place…. Haha I was covering myself in work the way I did when my grandfather passed away… 

    The topics of my diary are so depressing :’].

    Meoooow how do I get in touch with this B¿ With him as my witness, I can build ths most solid case ever :D. I wonder why I can’t reach him anymore. It makes me feel so crazy looking and sad…. I keep saying “He can back me up!” But since the police thing, I haven’t been able to reach him… I actually also don’t want to involve him in this drama, but I need justice. They put me through all of this shit, just because my parents tipped them about him being on my mind… 

    It could be justice for him as well? My parents put the blame on him for me acting crazy. What drove me crazy is the psychiatrists not going away when I asked them to go away, and on top of that, not being allowed to leave the house, because people thought that I was catatonic, while I was shunning them, because trying to reason with them didn’t work and I got tired of trying… The thought of getting back Benoît as my friend, is what’s keeping me alive… I have never felt so comfortable in a conversation. I also had the feeling that I didn’t have to adapt… In most of my conversations, I adapt myself to the person I’m talking to, in the sense that I go with them in the topics of conversation they come up with, while I actually don’t care, and I laugh about the things they laugh about, while I acually don’t find it funny… I consider it a form of politeness. Lately, after years, it’s getting harder and harder to keep this up, though. I suppress my own personality so much… Lately it’s only to avoid empty discussions. Ugh, the directness… I hate it, but when someone does it to me, I can do it back in such a way that that person won’t experience life in the same way anymore. I don’t like to do that, so I swallow my words and take the verbal hit to the head. (Crazy¿) 

    By not experiencing life in the same way, I mean that when someone starts to insult me for no reason, giving me the sensation that my heart can stop at any moment, I can break down the lack of talent, bad character and uselessness of that person in sooooooo much detail, that that person won’t experience him or herself in the same way anymore. I have never used this on someone. I hope I never will. But lately, I’ve been on that edge so often. With the whole schizophrenia bullshit… 

    Meoww it’s 03:59 AM now. I’m hungry… 

    04:43 (AM) 

    I had a little bit of mashed potatoes [with zoete aardappel, pompoen, spek and andijvie. It was very nice] and meat stew. Now I’m back in bed, cuddled up underneath the sheets. [I say “cuddled up” in the context of (self-)coziness.] As usual, wearing only my panties. It’s the most comfortable way of laying down, for sure, I think :]. 

    Soo for the current long term, it will be: scan, court case [I better win…] and then finally have some closure and live the life I want to live. My diary will be lit by then, I hope. Then chances are higher that people will engage in my business. 

    I’ve been thinking a lot about writing books that don’t relate to the project. I’ve also been thinking about other ways of funding and how I’ve let myself be influenced by people saying: “Well, if you want to make a change, you need to be sure that everyone agrees,” too much. If you don’t agree, you’ll let me know, right? Then just make your own strategy. I also think the questions in the project are too difficult for the masses…….. 

    I don’t want to be in the “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”, but ooh my godd my life will be so much better if I were to receive that compensation… My parents won’t give me a penny to emigrate. I need to pay for my student debt… I kind of like luxury… Not toooo much! I don’t like being flashy and materialistic. But I highly appreciate comfort and serious quality….

    Maybe I’ll be able to get a hold of B when I do the MRI…? I mean, I hope the movement of my skull has nothing to do with magnetism… 

    Cuddle me? 😀

    I’ll be going to sleep. The thought of that that type of compensation already exists, takes so much weight off my shoulders… But the chance that I’ll lose still leaves a little pressure… 

    Should I go to Belgium, for the MRI…? 

    Haha, tot straks <3 

    [= “see you in a bit”… Instead of “good night”, because it’s now 05:18 AM ahahaha]


    05:30 AM

    Random idea: since I’m a publisher, how about I seek for others who want to publish through me and I skip the whole thing where I ask the masses for engagement, because reading subtitles is already almost too much…? 

    I think I can still change my business concept with ease, since I still have 1 life-time sale in total, haha *cries silently* [ahahaha just kiddinggg. I’ll be fineeee :D] but I keep getting more visitors… 

    Yess meoww why didn’t I just stick to publishing works of these sexy Cuddles of mine? Haha sorry :D. I’ll be getting to that tomorrow. 

    Should I then delete my Facebook page? XD

    Ah meoww, my sexy Graeyniss, you need to tell me what you want… When does D.O.C.I.S. International look like something you can easily become part of, without any negative judgment from ignorant parties? When there’s no random fill-in-the-gap research? When there’s no Lil Fangs…? Meow :[. I need to win a court case for that :D. 

    Okay, now I’ll really be going to sleep. Even though the thought of just sticking to publishing makes me hella hypeddd. I want to change up my websites again. But I always want to finish things in one day. If I keep going like that, my heart will start acting up even more… I’ll sleep on it. Maybe I need to win a case and then write a book? And keep the rest, even though it’s un-cuddle? I mean, I want to be a visible process of growth, so I guess that includes starting with “how I kept putting in work and didn’t get the engagement I was working for”. But then I did *something* and suddenly my career thrived and I could move out and do the things I enjoy doing. Which is actually not trying to get those who watch Netflix to stop watching Netflix… 

    I need a hint, my Graeyniss….

    Would you engage in truly anonymously asking me questions? I might try out, if you would…

    Haha this reminds me of this impulse invitation I sent about research publishing……………. I’ll be throwing around this business soon… 

    Meow, I’m outtt


    06:19 (AM) 


    Are you on ASKfm? 

    13:08 (01:08 PM) 

    Good afternoon 😀

    So what I’ve realized is that Project Nosce Te Ipsum is a very demanding project… By that, I mean that I think that the project has so many layers and components, it might be too much work for someone to think “Let me do this…” And then there’s understanding what the components and layers are in the first place… 

    I want to delete everything again x_x. And just only keep the fill-in-the-gap story… 

    I want to delete and just publish and blog under the name of Docis. Or my real name… 

    There’s no engagement in what I’ve done this far, so I assume you won’t mind if I were to take everything away, right…? 

    Especially now that my Facebook page has a 3 out of 5 star rating… 

    What the fuck am I doing…?  x_x

    But as Δοκις, I can’t be publishing or posting any crazy shit… Deep down, however, I’m still going through these flashbacks that make me feel and say crazy shit…… 

    As Δοκις, I also want a cool logo and cool pictures…

    What the fuck am I doing…? x_x

    I’ve also complained so much about people and stuff… That’s actually very unlike me. As in, before I was constantly going through flashbacks of the situations that have traumatized me – and before I went through other traumatizing things I haven’t even mentioned here – I was such a different person. Different in the sense that I used to approach and try to get to know anyone who comes on my path, I used to smile and make jokes so much… And now I’m kind of distant, because I’m so afraid to get hurt and traumatized again… 

    I reaallyyy don’t like that I’ve made this shitty phase of mine public… As in I want to change so many things… 

    I’m just going to delete my Facebook page…. What I’m doing is all wrong… Δοκις will not be having a Facebook page yet, because her audience is too small. I want to delete my Instagram account, too… I’be written such an odd response to a response… 

    I really think that I’m ready to become Δοκις… Or Δοκισ…  I don’t remember if the ς is at the end of a word or at the end of a sentence… 

    Meoww my impulses are all over the place… I’m working towards one thing always, though: causing a big shift of positivity in the way we live life. 

    I’ll be writing one book that is the complete fill-in-the-gap story and only that and nothing more. 

    And I’ll be writing a separate book about my changes…

    I’ve scheduled some hangouts… This is kind of a big step for me… In the sense that I’ve been building a fence around my heart and I want to become my old social self again…  

    I will not be deleting anything. I’m showing you my process… One day, these shitty books I’ve written will be just as appreciated as the other books I’ll write. Especially because of the contrast that is shown in them… 

    I’ve just had such an awesome idea for D.O.C.I.S. International :DD. I’ll be working on it right away! After showering and eating…

    15:42 (03:42 PM) 

    *pushes the break* I’m killing myself with all of this work… 

    But I do need to take that Project Nosce Te Ipsum thing away… 

    And I want to publish other people’s books as well… And I want us to blog together… 

    And I want to publish a free book… 

    17:09 (05:09 PM) 

    My appointment is coming Tuesday, in Düsseldorf. For cardiology and skull research. 

    21:11 (09:11 PM)

    My days as Lil Fangs are coming to an end… I can feel it… No more being captivated by flashbacks that give me heartache and cold sweat. I needed this diary to vent these feelings, for the heartache to decrease. This because I don’t want to bother anyone with so much hurt and sadness, while that person is trying to be happy. Also, if the response of the person I was expressing myself to didn’t include hugs and fun activities to take my mind off of it, [but them saying that I’m wrong and the other party was right for hurting me,] the heartache and my feelings of loneliness would increase. 

    I’m dealing with a lot of cold sweat and heartache over the way my life has negatively changed. I feel grief for missing my old self. I want to be like my old self… [But I also let go of the being active in gossip and I stopped amplifying jokes other people make, including ridicule. I did this to fit in, but it’s actually nothing like me. Now, I can’t even act happy, when someone does this. My heart can’t endure these things anymore, and I want to really be myself, so I will never get back the same level of “popularity” within the same community. I’ve accepted that.]

    Hopefully, the medical examination will get me a solution to the breathing and heartache issues I have, and show that I was right about what I’ve said about my skull in the past. Then I’ll finally have a reference to prove that the other conclusions drawn aren’t true. This will allow for me to propose a correction to my medical files, which will allow for me to emigrate. When this has happend, I consider my name cleared. I don’t mind being seen as someone who’s had a hard time, because this is true. But this hard time was because I wasn’t heard – while I kept pleading – and not because I’m a schizophrenic. 

    Another wave of heartache coming up:

    [Please just scroll past it. I’ll stop talking about this soon.]

    So today, I’ve heard that in the message about me going missing, it was said that I left the house “in a confused state”. That is such nonsense! Seriously!!! What a disappointment :[. Why was that relevant information in the first place…? Whyyyyyyy do that to my reputation…? I had been pleading for being allowed to leave the house. Before, I wasn’t allowed to. [Not wanting to go back home is then a logical result, right? If no matter how often you say: “I don’t need this. I don’t want this. This is not helping me. This is making me feel worse. I’m fine,” people keep saying that you’re ill and you need to take pills and talk to them about what’s on your mind? (And then they use your words to solely confirm that you’re crazy and need more treatment…)] I couldn’t say: “But I might not be coming back,” when leaving, otherwise I wouldn’t have been allowed to leave. If I were really making a confused impression, they wouldn’t have allowed me to leave either, just like the weeks before that. In those weeks, I told them that I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through, with them, and that I’ll be able to solve it myself. I was dealing with my bank account going empty and my business not thriving. I was convinced that me being associated with them – while I didn’t want this – would make that worse. They’re not specialized in giving tips about doing business… 

    I want to leave this behind. I want to forget that this has happend… The brain scan will give me closure, I hope… I’m almost convinced… 

    When I’m working, I put so much pressure on myself, that my heart starts acting up and I get trouble breathing. There’s so much pressure on me, because there are so many things on my list I want to achieve as soon as possible. I hope the medical examination (and the compensation) will take away the time pressure. Then I’ll deliver work I’m more proud of, too. (I would also be able to hire people…)

    Working on this book I’ll publish for free is quite relaxing. 

    I wonder what my blog readers think of me… 

    23:19 (11:19 PM) 

    I wrote a “scrap mission statement” for my free book: [It won’t be in Dutch. I just find it easier to reason in my native language. I still want to show everyone…]

    Meoww I hope that very cheap is also an option? There will be a loooot of blood, sweat and tears in this. Nosce Te Ipsum is not the type of book you can read anywhere, at any time. This book is… And I need to move outt pleaseeeeeeee. 

    I think this is one of the best things I’ve ever written… (The new book…) I just finished the overview of the full story concept (what I’ve shown you is the overview of the introduction). 

    Tomorrow, I’ll continue to be working on this. I really hope the content is something you can relate to! I’m very happy that I started to write this. It’s already making me feel so much more optimistic about everything. 

    I hope that the solutions I’ve found for myself are useful solutions for you as well. I wish I could already show you the end result! But I’ll start typing tomorrow. 

    Good night <3


    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    01:18 (AM) 

    I just ordered some business cards, which will be delivered in 2 days :].

    [I chose fast delivery, because I want to travel to the US around October 9th.]

    I decided to stop the “I start a new post when I wake up”. This was something I kept doing, because I wanted to start my posts with “good morning” and end them with “good night”, but my sleeping schedule is already way beyond that…. 

    The copyright texts of my websites are changed :]. Oh boy, I must have made such a random impression on you… 

    Today, I want to go jogging (if it doesn’t rain [I have been chilling inside, by myself for sooooooo loooong it just makes me want to run, see other countries and meet (new) friendss]), change the description text @ the unpublished episodes, write a smashwords bio and answer the interview questions I posed a few days ago. 

    I’m having some (caffeine free) tea now,  while eating a mandarin. This, while I’m running CCleaner on my computer. 

    Haha I feel so grey when I describe the things I do. This makes me want to do the exact opposite? [Is that then a mid life crisis? HAHAHAHAHA] I actually prefer to do the opposite, but still, there’s a limit to the wildness I like to experience. As in I’d love to party and get intoxicated and stuff, but I want to feel comfortable in the crowd and remember the night the next day… I feel comfortable when I’m around people who party with that same intention. 

    I’ve had different phases, though. There were years in which I didn’t drink at all, there were years where I got so drunk that I didn’t remember anything of that night. On those drunk nights, that’s where, I’ve heard, I got kissy… Ve-ry kissy…

    Kissing is a lot more fun when you can remember it the next day, I think :D. 

    I’ll be going to sleep now. 

    Good night! 


    13:41 (01:41 PM) 

    Hi 😀

    I can’t get out of bed… It’s funny how last year, when I was not allowed to leave the house by myself, because people were convinced that I was crazy [this was before I went missing], as soon as I got the chance to catch some fresh air by myself, I never wanted to come back to this house. And now I’ve spent so many days working inside this house, I’m feeling the same urge to be free. But by being free I don’t mean meeting up with people who don’t believe my side of the story, but say that they’re my friends, in the city I’ve been spending my days in, for more than 21 years. 

    I thought of completely re-writing the The Unpublished Episodes text, but I’ll just make more clear what I mean by “help me clear my name”. I’m not trying to involve you in the drama. I also not trying to make you to openly take a side and “make online noise” about it. (But of course I would appreciate it if you would…) I just hope that you are open to my perspective. I hope that when I start the case to not get the regular “you were mentally ill first and you are healthy now” “declaration”, but a “I have been treated in a way I shouldn’t have been treated and this should have never been in my files”, you will hope that I’ll win this case. And that after the case, when I start my new life, you will become more part of it. 

    The copies I ordered from The Unpublished Episodes and The U.S.H.R. are proof copies, by the way. Which is nice when it comes to saving up a slight bit [because I don’t pay for my share], but is a lot less nice when it comes to my future bookshelf with my own publications… Because proof copies have “not for resale” on them, and regular copies don’t… 

    If you were my close friend and you would know that I’m saving up for Project Nosce Te Ipsum as it is described on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, would you buy a copy? 

    People say that “I have money to blow”, because my father has a lot of money. But when I ask him for money, he tells me to get a job, so… I earn everything I spend myself. [Unless it’s medical bills or whatever, on such a level that they start to threaten to end my membership or sue me or whatever… But that’s because they don’t want them to take their stuff… Plus, most people I know of my age, have their parents paying most of their bills.] They don’t believe me when I say that. There’s nothing more annoying than people saying that you’re crazy and/or lying, while you’re speaking the truth. 

    15:22 (03:22 PM) 

    I’m making pourridge now. With rice and oats this time. Rice, oat flakes, cow milk, soy milk, cinnamon, vanilla essence, brown sugar, almond essence, nutmeg and a little bit of butter (not margarine) in the end. A fusion of rice pudding and oatmeal. 

    I’ll start with the interview questions, because I think that is the most fun. 

    When I’m done doing everything on my list, I’ll do some online marketing again. The thing with my target audience is that they’re not as active on the media I can market on. I’d be better off if I were to advertise on the back of The Economist or The Harvard Business Review (to which I had a subscription when I was 16). Hopefully I’ll still get some engagement, though… This worry about my success has tied a knot in my stomach. 

    Haha my content should be more “on level Facebook”, showing you “I’m doing cool stuff. Look at how beautifully this project is developing itself.” “I’m only doing cool stuff and smiling from ear to ear in the many pictures I’m showing you of me together with other people who are also the face of success.” *Cool scenery* *Some more cool scenery* *Funny video* *An even funnier video*

    I’ll get there…. Right……? I need to seek my support elsewhere than where I live now, I think… I still don’t understand why bad news about me that wasn’t even true can go so viral, but when I try to redeem myself, suddenly no one wants to spread the word. I feel so stabbed in the back… And this isn’t even my first campaign. When I was in the hospital, I was also busy working on D.O.C.I.S. International. When the people who said: “Yes, of course I’ll engage in your business plans,” didn’t engage in it at all, that’s when I came up with the idea to just “approach the masses” at once. But without an “achterban”, I make an odd impression… I hope you’ll be my achterban. I wonder what your age is… I think most of the people who appreciate my work are much older than me. [Which is cool :D. I like diversity!]

    There are some people in this city who have supported me. It’s not everyone, who has left me. It is the majority, though… 

    17:50 (05:50 PM) 

    I accompanied my mother when she went to the mall. She had to buy some groceries and I needed soap and an infuser. 

    I want to travel to LA really bad, but if I go, I want to live comfortably and have people to hang out with. My issue is that, especially if I’ll be marketing my project, I don’t have a budget for the holiday (actually it’s “the life” I want to live) there. [To start a new life there, I have to earn every penny myself, to pay my rent etc…] 

    Also, my physical health has been acting up in so many ways, that it might be better for me to spend my savings on an independent MRI scan, somewhere abroad. 

    I really want to start a new life, but I can’t go back to an office job for 40 hours per week anywhere… Not when I have this business… Not when I don’t want to be there and get a headache from shallow conversations…. 

    I would have to work for at least a year, while still living with my parents, because why would I waste money on paying rent to live in an area I don’t want to live in… 

    It feels so “x_x” to spend my last savings on an MRI [deep down I’m soooooo certain that they’ll find something, but I just don’t want to know. If I can’t get my business off the ground, I don’t even know why I would save myself…]. But I know that what they’ll find will back-up my court case. In the hospitals I’ve stayed at, I named my physical health issues, and they returned: “No, you’re just a schizophrenic. We’re not letting you do an MRI.” [And that while I told them that if they want to confirm that I’m crazy, which they never have and weren’t able to – yet still they put me through their fucked up treatment – they could “prove themselves” with a brain scan… “But that all costs too much.” Sounds like this relative of mine… It makes me feel a crazy form of neglection when people say that you’re not worth something they can easily afford.]

    I dislike doing things like web maintenance, by the way, which is why I took so long to do it. It would be much nicer to have someone who’s specialized in it to do it for me. But I don’t have a budget for that. I want a new logo. And to not publish under the name of Lil Fangs… But it’s better to let haters hate on a temporary name. Why do I take haters into consideration…? x_x 

    Meoww I need good advisors. By good advisors, I mean people who speak from experience and who really want to see me succeed. Not people who say negative things for the sake of saying negative things. Who don’t know anything about my process or what I exactly do, but just say: “Too much text.” Or, “I don’t like this color.” To get the appreciation of that type of people, I need very short animation videos with flashy colors and this deep sexy voice narrating it, with a slight over-do in enthusiasm. And then inculcate the content of it in many ways, on many platforms, until my brand says “established”. Only then they would work with me. 

    I don’t want to request the MRI, but I have to, I guess. Just existing is already requiring so much energy. When someone tells me shit and I actually want to rage, but I hold back, my heart acts up so bad that I can’t breathe. That’s why I stay away from most people who are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic. 

    Shout out to yesterday’s intense increase in web-traffic, by the way! 😀 <3

    That is what makes me feel slight happiness… Hoping that those who see it don’t think “Too much text.” And “Too much complaining.”

    Ah, I’ll be writing this self-interview, because I have a reason for expressing myself in a way secretly almost everyone feels, deep down. 

    21:16 (09:16 PM) 

    I’m already in bed… I don’t know why I get tired so fast… 

    The interview, I’m writing on my phone. (Just like I write every diary post on my phone.) 

    I think it’s better to wait with advertising, until I have a sponsor. Then I can make better ads, too. [Sponsor my “independent living”, too, please…? 😀 <3]

    But where to find sponsors…. And how to not have my parents interfere in this…? I need my own place to stay… I reallyy don’t want a repetition of last year… I want my B back :[.

    I think I’ll finish the interview tomorrow. I also still need to rewrite my book descriptions. (But I don’t feel like doing it…) Part of me wants to replace them with new books… But there’s so much hard work put into it :[.

    Hopefully I’ll wake up with a solution…

    Good night <3


    Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    Tuesday, October 2, 2018

    13:21 (01:21 PM) 

    Hi <3

    I hope you’re having an awesome day :].

    The D.O.C.I.S. International website will be finished today! Then submitting a sign up form will be possible, which will be reviewed. Depending on what path you choose to follow and on if our mission in life is similar, you’ll receive access to the private social network within 72 hours :]. The process is designed that way, because I want to have a network of people who can help each other get the best out of each other and who do this because it truly is their desire to do this and not because they’re opportunists who just want to earn from the future aspects of the organization. 

    Getting access to the private network is free of charge. 

    19:27 (07:27 PM) 

    I want to travel so baddd. You should come with me :D. 

    Hopefully I haven’t scared you off by stating that I want to filter out certain personalities. I just don’t want what happend in my personal life to happen in my business, so I have to be more strategic… 

    23:35 (11:35 PM) 

    I am so tired of hearing myself complain about the past… Part of me wants to delete every memory I’ve written down. 

    But meow, I’m showing you my process… This is Project Nosce Te Ipsum… One day, my days of sitting inside and not being the face of 200% happiness will be over. The contrast will be logged right here! 

    Is this Cuddle enough? In the context of ego boost writing? I love a trained eye! I hope you see my potential…

    The D.O.C.I.S. International website is, apart from me having to take away the maintenance text and change the footer text [but the internet connection is acting up again], ready! 

    Oh, I will change “find” into “live” @ “To state or define the way you prefer to give and receive love, as well as to state or find your strategy to find a life filled with love.”

    If I would have any sales or any other forms of engagement, I would tell you this with much enthusiasm, by the way. Don’t mind me buying myself pre-engagement to show people that this is a very approachable project :].

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

    Monday, October 1, 2018

    10:53 (AM) 

    Good morning <3

    I woke up with eyes more swollen than usual. That must have been because of the tears… Hopefully I won’t get a rant about looking high again… 

    Today, I’m going to give you a recipe for the best soup in the history of mankind! My grandfather cooked me soup every Friday, when I was little. “Cassavesoep” used to be my favorite. I spoke about making this soup two days ago, with my mother. I’ll have to search for a moment to buy the final groceries I need, though. 

    You’ll need [a translation in your own language because some ingredients I only know in Dutch]:

    • Schenkel 
    • Zoutvlees
    • Cassave
    • Kokosmelk [coconut milk]
    • Pimentkorrels
    • Selderij [celery]
    • Tayer
    • Gele madame jeanette pepers
    • Een bouillonblokje [a stock block… I’ll be going with vegetable stock]
    • Unions
    • Tomaten(extract) [I’ll be using a little bit of both]
    • Droge vis [sun dried fish, only for a taste accent]
    • Bakbananen [plantain]

    I’ll show you pictures of the ingredients that are “traditional”, along with the cooking process. The soup tastes the best when you start cooking it waaaaaaaaaay before you eat it. So I’ll be leaving my bed soon… 

    Haha meow, actually I feel like laying and cuddling all day… But this Project Nosce Te Ipsum page is not going to finish itself… Just like the sign up form, the page for sponsors and all of the ads I intend to make… 

    12:02 (PM) 

    I have finally caught the sound of the air alarm that goes off every first Monday of the month at 12 PM. People from abroad must consider it uncommon (and uncomfortable¿) to have such a “national tradition”? 

    The Run It Back Freestyle by Kirk Knight has a similar sound sample. Haha on a beat it sounds good… 

    What if a dike breaks exactly on the first Monday of the month at 12?

    Oh I just saw a video and heard that they’re going to stop it on January 1st in 2020. Does that mean that then this country will flood? “Haha of course not”…… Meoww let me movee. 

    Aw, Cuddles for those who remembered that the official book release date was the 30th and have visited this website because of it <3. 

    12:45 (PM) 

    Oh my god I can’t stand when my parents open my mail

    If you’re not paying my bills, don’t fucking touch my mail

    It was just a reminder that the tax report of my company is expected to be received on the 31st… Which I already knew… 

    They used to open my mail and then rant to me about “the dangers of bad bookkeeping”, around the time I went bamkrupt. They did this after lost my last client, because of their interference. I don’t have unregistered income to worry about, so I wouldn’t mind if they were to randomly come over for “een steekproef”……

    15:30 (03:30 PM) 

    Meoww #no-ad [Scorpio is my new syntax.]

    My other back-up drive will not last much longer, I think, from the sound that’s coming from it. It’s a few years old already… 

    16:08 (04:08 PM) 

    Haha omg

    Haha the app I used tagged itself

    Anyway…  😀

    In reverse ehe

    I diced the tayer and cassave. Now I’m adding hot water. This soup could be eaten with rice in it, which you should cook separately. 

    The amount of coconut milk I’ve used

    I’m letting it boil up once more

    After that I’ll let it boil on a very low heat. 
    If you’re making it, too, you should show me!! I would love to share it on here, or talk about it, or talk about other things :D. 

    I’m “cooking out” some zoutvlees:

    Meow… [In my case, it’s pronounced as a word, not a cat sound :p.]

    The meat has rested in salt for quite some time. (“Pirates” used to lay their meat in salt, because then they could keep it for longer?) The taste of salt is so intense, that you should either lay it in cold water for a while, or cook it out. Even after cooking it out for a while, the salty taste stays. 

    It’s a “full meal soup”. I’ve used relatively quite a lot of meat. Adding tayerblad is nice. (I’ve just quickly fried some bakbanaan (plantain) and added that to the soup as well. 

    The dried/smoked fish should only be cooked in it for a little while. It is not recommended to keep the fish in the soup. When it starts to fall apart, you should take it out.

    After dinner, I’ll be cleaning my room and working on the websites in my room. 

    Eet smakelijk 😀

    I put rice in the bowl first and then poured the soup over it

    21:28 (09:28 PM) 

    Vacuum cleaning I’ll do tomorrow… Haha I’m showing you the most personal side of myself… 

    I hope you won’t mind it, if I postpone finishing the websites to tomorrow… If I start working on it now, I’ll want to finish it before going to sleep, which will mean another restless night… The choice of words on my business’s website is quite crucial (just like everything else, but still..). So I think it’s best if I sleep on it… Also, I’m having this crazy headache, which makes me want to cuddle up… 

    I’d rather lie down and talk to you… It feels like it has been a while since I’ve done that. I’ve been so busy writing and doing other things. I can’t wait until I’m done! This because hopefully then we’ll be working on this project together… 

    I want to make the project description page very clear! It’s a project in a format I have never seen in real life. I think I’ll be the first to put this type of project into practice in this way. I’ve used the word “certificate” and “thesis” as terms, but they’re used in a different way, in the sense that you are the only source needed to obtain the certificate. There’s not the usual literary research and surveying other people, as you might have done for other theses. 

    What I have planned for us isn’t that formal… I want us to have real fun, while making a real difference… 

    To make my campaign look more… What’s the right word…? More like a representation of my vision… I would love to make videos and pictures [I kind of miss modeling] and have my own music in the videos… But that’s the cool side of Project Nosce Te Ipsum: during the project itself, we only do the things that make us happy. At the same time, we’re diving into some serious things regarding societal change, and since we’re doing these things and other people aren’t, while they might still benefit of what we have done for everyone, it’s important that we make ourselves the most comfortable while doing it. 

    I hope to be able to make an interactive video series for the project, for the online subjects to enjoy. [Not that much like the series of which I think the standard is followed too strictly and thus everything looks the same. Some parody of the standard could be funny, though.] For this, I need popular authorities in research, entertainment and/or business to form a group with me and share their inspirational life’s knowledge and to show themselves from a different side, by showing their approach in the project. We’ll be talking, acting, dancing, writing, painting, composing and/or anything else you desire to do. The path you choose has certain self-research related objectives. 

    23:40 (11:40 PM) 

    For a very long time I’ve been thinking of changing “Meow…” into something else. But what… 

    Haha meow anyway

    I would love to make pictures for the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ve been picturing Benoît and I making these pictures that express the fun and diversity within the organization. 

    We’re both wearing formal clothing [grey suits¿], “but” posing very informally. Hehe I pictured this one picture where I climbed on his back, I have my arms around his neck and we’re both smiling. That picture says: “We treat each other with so much love, within this organization.” Right? 

    It’s also an awesome way to end this “verzuiling” where people of the same ages, genders, races, etc. are expected to hang with each other. But I want over-experienced grey haired friends, too…? We have so much to talk about!  😀

    Meow, my Cuddle B is turning 46 in a few minutes… I want to call him… But I’ve tried this so often already, in the past [after the police drama]… It just keeps ringing… [His office number… I didn’t dare to ask his number when we met. Could I do that? Should I have taken the initiative…? Outsiders could take it the wrong way for sure…] I really want to see him even more than usual now :[. Where’s my Cuddleee…¿

    I let the phone ring for a short while and then hung up… Who calls an office number in the middle of the night, right…¿ I thought maybe the number redirects to his mobile phone… Meow this is so strange, though. He told me I could always reach out to him and we’ve had such amazing times talking in his office [or should I only speak for myself…¿]. Suddenly I can’t reach him anymore and I still don’t know why :[. I’ve been trying things like this since like July 2017… :[

    I’m going to sleep now…

    Good night, sweetie 


    Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    Sunday, September 30, 2018

    11:37 (AM) 

    I went to sleep around 4 AM. There are a few tasks left over on my list, still… [It took me quite some time to find a solution to the header and slider overlapping @ the D.O.C.I.S. International website.] 

    Luckily I have done all heavy tasks yesterday. I hope I can still start advertising today. This is what’s left for me to do: 

    I still added some tasks yesterday…

    I might still make an “about Little Fangs” page. One of the two book pages is already almost finished. 

    Before I start to market my book, I’d like to have the answers to these questions published in an article [I think writing an interview as an introduction is more fun and more clear]:

    17:28 (05:28 PM) 

    I’m exhaustedddd haha…. 

    This because I still need to make some more buttons:



    This because I need better conversation than to talk about some celebrity’s liposuction I do not care much about:

    22:16 (10:16 PM) 

    I have literally spent all day working on my websites again. I apologize for not having any litty marketing specials on the official release date of my book. I hope that I’ll be done editing my websites before midnight, but the chance is not very high… I’m now editing the “About The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum” page. 

    23:59 (11:59 PM) 

    Haha I would take much more time for that amount of pages? Especially with my style of writing. I want it to be like translating Seneca… (Which it is…)

    Is it possible to absorb the message of the book, when reading so fast…? 

    Meow I’m done writing the long description of The Unpublished Episodes… Almost done adding the button links… 

    I want to write a longer description of the first episode, but the episode is so short that I’m afraid of giving away all of the highlights…? This fill-in-the-gap story is waaaaay better…. It’s more of a satiric parody of every e-ve-ryyyyy single Hollywood movie now. Haha :D. 

    Ohh by the way, I’ve created a newsletter :].

    Ah meow the new slider has a small font on a mobile phone. On a laptop it looks normal…

    I’m so tiredd. My head has been hurting for weeks. Just like my stomach. I just had my period today (random¿). I haven’t had that since I stayed in the resort in Enschede. That was in June…? (And now I’m a lot of pregnancy scares later…) Haha this is good news**

    What’s chill about having your period almost never, because of being under too much stress since age 11, is that I can swim and have sex whenever I want to. [But that made me learn that one night stands/friends with benefits/whatever regular touchiness are very cringy. The only thing I do when I have sex, is trying to be passionate, while desperately trying to climax, while thinking about Benoît and how much I miss him, hoping that our paths will somehow cross again.]

    People say being on your period is an excuse for acting like the definition of showing the most barbarian side of yourself? 

    Tomorrow, I’ll finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website. 

    I wish I had people I could to this together with, already. “Too bad” most people I know don’t like putting effort in things. 

    Is it just me, or do some friendships just die after a few years, because you know all thoughts, beliefs and stories of that person already and it starts to become too predictable and boring? I need new friends… Who like “nerdy” things… And prefer speaking English over speaking Dutch… Where can I find you…? 

    It’s 01:47 AM on the first of October now. I start a new blog day when I wake up. Or on the peak of my all-nighter.

    It’s funny how, on the one hand, I’m “talking” to my dear audience on this blog, and on the other hand I’m covering my tracks, because a bunch of haters likes to laugh about my struggle. The type of people who want to laugh about misery, because they’re bitter and talentless, could consider me an easy target. I’m very lonely in my being this talented on this age. 

    Meow, tomorrow is the Cuddle’s birthday… I have imagined myself emptying out my heart in a wall post. That’s the only way in which I haven’t tried to reach him yet, I think…? If I’m able to write that post in the first place? We couldn’t be Facebook friends for some reason anyway. I never asked why. I only noticed that my request wasn’t accepted… But we were still hanging out in real life and e-mailing, which is what I prefer anyway. (Video chatting would have been nice, too. I don’t like regular phone calls.) 

    Why is me wanting to be with him considered a taboo? People assume that it’s for the money. [I have literally been asked this several times.] They don’t see that it’s because my other options are dumb people who say that it’s for the money. I want to do something with my life and seek the same in a partner…. Most people these days are only busy seeking social contact and maintaining the mainstream 9 – 5 routine. I don’t understand how they can’t be depressed as fuck if today you’re going to live a day that is way too fucking similar to the day you’ll live in 10 years? Again, hours of small talk they consider “big talk”, the same job with the same clients on the same spot, travelling the same route, eating the same things…. I’m trying to break the routine and they discourage me and tell me it’s impossible to do that. I wish them all the best in their routine I am not going to allow my project to alter. You might be doing what you like, watching Netflix, on your last day as well. (That’s me saying I’m staying polite to these people, while they’re actually such a clear waste of space and resources. They only bring hate to this world, elaborating on how new concerts and movies are bad, as if they actually have some form of expertise or as if they could do it better. Yes, they’re experts in not doing shit but gazing at moving images all day. Do you know the Allegory of the Cave? In modern times…)

    ** Me getting my period means a reduction of my stress levels. I’ve had my period three times this year. The first time I met Benoît, in Enschede and right now. I used to hate it, but now I consider it a very comforting thought that those antipsychotics haven’t made me completely infertile. Last year it was only after the morning after pill… In 2015, when this gynaecologist gave me a pill to spark my period and research it, I never got the results, because my grandfather passed away in that same week. I later still didn’t go to the hospital, because it was in the same hospital in which he passed away and I just didn’t want to see the same scene. I vividly remember the day on which he had passed and we were waiting in his hospital room, alongside his lifeless body, for the service to come and pick him up. We waited for hours… It’s one of the most painful memories I have. Especially because – don’t ask me why this crossed my mind at such a young age – from when I was very little, and I would think of a “How sad would I find it if this person were to pass away?” list, he was the number one person who should just die with me, because living without him is so hard… I loved him so much at some age it just became awkward. He has played the father role in my life, if you were to ask me this. The warmth in my character, I have from him. He and Benoît are the only men with that loving character I know. They’re both economists… I know hands down, if my grandfather were still alive, he would have supported me as an entrepreneur. All other snakes in my life are encouraging me to quit. 

    I hope my reduction of stress means that I’ll see my Cuddles soon… I don’t like being in this city… I’m absolutely not looking forward to Friday x_x. The family is going to a restaurant for my grandmother’s 82nd birthday. I hope she won’t accuse me of stealing again (dementia)… I don’t look forward to having to find a way to socially last through that evening, listening to and trying to participate in the most shallow conversations in the history of mankind… 

    Oh boy I need a hug after writing about my grandfather. I’m in my bed with my two pillows. I’ll be laying my head on the mattress – because the pillows make my neck hurt – and cuddling my pillow, pretending it to be Benoît, who’s all the types of men I miss in my life in one person. 

    Good night


    Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    Saturday, September 29, 2018

    13:28 (01:28 PM) 

    “Saving the best for last”… Today, I have the following things on my list:

    • Upload a new cover for the episode 1 paperback (because they want the full title on it… I used the ebook cover, which has a summarized title. Now I’ll be editing that image) 
    • Make a new menu @ Docis Int website
    • Renew the home page @ Docis Int
    • Make a mission page @ Docis Int
    • Make a project page @ Docis Int
    • Make a sign up page @ Docis Int
    • Make a sponsors page @ Docis Int
    • Make a login page and a menu for logged in users @ Docis Int
    • Edit copyright text
    • Make a few topics in the private forum [Ik zoek naar goede ijsbrekers…?]
    • Make an “about Lil Fangs” page @
    • Edit the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page @
    • Make a page for available books with links to the stores they’re available in @
    • Make new slides and a new introduction text @
    • Make it possible to sign up for the newsletters (Docis Int/LF)
    • “Buy some pre-engagement” @ Facebook & Instagram (+ Spotify), for “I only do it when other people do it, because I consider that a quality indicator” reasons [You really won’t regret participating… A trained eye will be able to see the potential of this project and ride this wave. (I intend to target trained eyes only… To shape a good community where everyone has “a friendly spark” with everyone.)]
    • Make ads @ Facebook, Google & Instagram 

    Haha you can follow the process live… 

    14:30 (02:30 PM) 

    Haha meow… The links to the new first episode will be available after twelve am, I think… Will I be making my “books” page that late…? 

    15:15 (03:15 PM) 

    The author’s copies of The Unpublished Episodes have been delivered :]. Of course, the normal copy you would purchase, won’t say “not for resale”. (Because that is not an author’s copy.)

    15:48 (03:48 PM) 

    New cover image:

    I also took away the random dot on the back of The Unpublished Episodes haha. 

    I mentioned solliciting in Beverly Hills yesterday. “Solliciting” as in applying for jobs. Of course, that is something I do not want to do. I want to be directing Project Nosce Te Ipsum. 

    If people engage in the project, after the launch, tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing. I really hope soooo… 

    Either way, I intend to start a new life in the United States (and then later a private island, where our community members will live).

    The first episode is 45 pages, by the way, of which a part is space saved to write down your answers inside the book. 

    16:55 (04:55 PM) 

    I just configured some mailboxes needed to process submissions etc. 

    Have you seen the most funny playlist for a tea party yet?

    17:32 (05:32 PM) 

    Haha I seriously had to save the social network site of the website after a failed update – because the internet connection was acting up – by making changes “on FTP level”… x_x

    I also made a logo for the website

    When the re-installment of the social network addition is finished, you’ll be able to see the first changes on :).

    19:12 (07:12 PM) 

    As you can see, there’s a completely different menu when you log in :].

    20:33 (08:33 PM) 

    Ah, luckily the first episode is available in the book stores now, too :]. These are ebooks. The paperback is avalilable on Amazon. I’ll add the links. 

    Ah meow I still need to eat. My family went to a party and will bring me some food later. I only have some granola bars to eat now. 

    21:59 (09:59 PM) 

    I made you a puzzle :]. [I’m not referring to the next following images only ;).]

    No paid advertising [I’m only showing you the current state of affairs]

    22:49 (10:49 PM) 

    Haha a wild page that hasn’t been used, but adds an interesting layer to my story:

    I’m not going to delete this, but it’s “not a useful page”, for this was before I unpublished the previous episodes. 

    There’s no way I’ll ever unpublish the new episodes (because in the new version I don’t write about myself that extensive). 

    01:37 (AM) 

    Shout to a Cuddle for making such nice food! <3_<3 [Eating at this time of “day” is not recommended.]

    Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    Friday, September 28, 2018

    04:02 (AM) 

    I’m finishing up… I’m quite satisfied with the result :].

    Fingers crossed @ the book being submitted to the online stores in time, “ha-ha”………. [That means I laugh while being seriously worried, by the way, hahaahaha XD. What else can I do, right¿]

    06:27 (AM) 

    Whoop whooooooop

    07:12 (AM) 

    The paperback is done as well :D.

    “Haha” R.I.P. to my sleeping cycle. As the sun rises, I’m going to sleep.

    Today will be an “off day”. I still have a private social network to “finish up” “:D”.

    15:53 (03:53 PM)

    Haha I used this iPhone to find the link to my book in the iBooks store.

    (I’ll still be doing equal pricing, though…)

    I posted this:

    (It’s both me XD.)

    17:12 (05:12 PM) 

    I think I have the right marketing strategy now…  I’ve also made a fixed price. This might work :D. 

    Haha I still feel the pressure as if I have to write to make my deadline. But both of the manuscripts are submitted to the stores already, and [comma and, for overview of long sentence reasons…] one out of two is available in “all international” stores already :]. [Smashwords, Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Overdrive, Kobo, Scribd, etc…]

    One of the few packages is delivered 😀 [no paid ad, just like all other things of brands I show]

    To form my own opinion about popular content…

    19:05 (07:05 PM) 

    I’m at the mall with my mother now. I asked her if she was going to take her car to work today, because I wanted to buy new travel bags. 

    She then told me she had the day off and proposed to go together. I said aiight. 

    I just bought two SD cards (one for my phone, one for my camera because I used that one for my Nintendo Switch).

    My mother bought me cream, oil and tea. 

    I’m now fitting suits :p

    Tallness (“Tallniss”) issues haha

    Doen of niet doen¿

    I got itt, since I’ve lost quite some weight and thus don’t fit my grey (haha Graey) suit anymore. I mean if I’ll be solliciting in Beverly Hills… 

    I’m looking for short stay apartments there :].

    Haha if I were to give a lecture, I’d rather wear a custom made suit, or a dress. 

    Ah meow I’m so excited for travelling :D. Now I have a budget for doing things and eating hahahahaha. So I have a chance to meet new people now. And I could get a rental car for longer hehe. 

    22:55 (10:55 PM) 


    I bought us sushi for dinner. I was so hungry that I asked for part of it to eat while we were waiting for the rest haha

    My mother bought me this suitcase

    Some other stufff I bought for myselff

    I bought the oil “against cellulite”, not because I have cellulite, but because I hope that will restore the skin where I’ve been going hammer, because this eczema is on another level. I do not want to see my phycisian, though. To switch to another one, I still need to go past her? [Haha why ask someone you want to sue for help, right? The last time I saw her, I asked for serious assistance, because I could barely walk. She told me she only wanted to speak to “my psychiatric nurse”, because she had spoken my mother about “Benoît as my psychosis” and doubted if I was still “wilsbekwaam”. I let her speak to her for a few minutes and then just left, because she said: “I’ll only help you when you stop refusing the antipsychotics.”]

    I’m now going to bring my sister to her boyfriend’s. 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

    Thursday, September 27, 2018

    [Scroll to the italics for trippy fan-fiction¿]

    12:41 (PM) 

    Here’s a list of the ingredients I used for the rice pudding I’m eating… Right now… 

    • Rice
    • Almond flakes
    • Raisins
    • Cinnamon
    • Vanilla essence
    • Vanilla sugar
    • Almond essence
    • Sugar
    • Cow milk

    It’s still warm :]. I’m drinking tea from matté and lemongrass with it.

    I haven’t been able to break my sleeping cycle, where I go to bed past two AM and get out of bed somewhere between 10 and 12. It takes hours for me to fall asleep. It’s not that big a deal, though, because I often write until around one o’clock in the night. 

    The hardest thing about leaving my bed, is letting go of my pillow. I always lay it “in portrait” [instead of the classic “landscape” position pilows lay on on beds] and wrap my arms around it. 

    With my eyes closed, I focus on the movement of my skull, that has always stayed [but I can’t talk about, because that would make me risk getting stuck in a system I think shouldn’t even exist in the first place**]. I consciously made myself imagine the following scene:

    It is early in the morning. Wearing only a t-shirt of him, which is so big that is looks like a shirt dress, I enter the living room that is a modernized space with a kitchen, dining area and couches etc. Benoît is reading a book on the couch, wearing a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, barefoot. His right foot is placed flat on the couch. His other foot is on the floor. He leans against the heightened arm rest of the couch that is custom made, because he is ve-ry tall. 

    [This takes place in a penthouse in LA. We’re very close to the top floor, able to oversee the entire city.]

    While walking into the kitchen, I notice he often looks up from his book to look at me, with such a loving expression in his eyes. I ask him if he wants some soup, too. He replies, “Yes.” I pour us some of the cream fish soup we made the day before. With two bowls in my hand, I walk around the bar  – with high modern bar stools on the left side – that surrounds the kitchen part of the living room. As soon as I step onto the ground of the sitting area, of wich the wooden floor is lower than the rest of the living space, I can see his full body. I freeze. The porcelain bowls slip out of my hands and shatter onto the ground. I couldn’t help but stare… D a m n… I feel my mouth starts to water… When our eyes meet [I was staring at a different part of him…], within a split second, he throws his book onto the ground and I, without a run-up, jump a more than five meter distance – the way superhumans do – to end up on top of him. 

    I wish my feelings for him were generally accepted… With who else can I cook, travel, run, play sports, have non-shallow conversations, write, be crazy intimate, NEVER look at television unless it’s something from our network, do research, do business, learn new languages, translate Latin, play video games, make music, make a movie and learn the ins and outs of the system [so that I exactly know how to alter it without abruptly disrupting it]????? It’s so annoying that these non-parties have put me in a position where I risk(ed¿) losing him for no fucking reason, taking away my right to make my own decisions, while they actually didn’t have the right to do that to me… 

    20:23 (08:23 PM) 

    I’m having dinner with my parents and sister.

    Course 1

    Course 2:

    Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    Wednesday, September 26, 2018

    17:27 (05:27 PM) 

    “Should I start every online diary article with a form of “hello” and of “I’m very fond of your interest in me, my dear reader. That interest is mutual, so I ask you questions in my diary and I hope I’ll hear your answers to them one day. I hope I’ll get to know you better and that we’ll become good friends”¿” [I will be doing this differently, “from tomorrow onwards”. You’re still my Cuddle, though :D.]

    I hope that the many alternative forms of the same message have been clear throughout my previous diary posts. It’s made to give people who are interested in participating in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, an update of the status of the project. It’s also made for me to vent things I can’t talk about with the people in my environment. I hope that there are some people left on this earth who don’t have the bias of me being “bad news” and “crazy”, and that I could spend the rest of my time with them, so that the things I need to vent won’t even exist, and I can be a happy Cuddle. Hopefully together with you! 

    The things I’m venting here are a side-effect of the permanent bad image that (some/most) people now have of me, because of the false rumors that have been spread about me. 

    I know it’s not very usual to show such extreme self-expressions of self on a website, but I hope I’ll find people who do relate to this and who do not consider me a bad entrepreneur, a bad writer or anything else bad of the many fields I’m active in, just for expressing how I feel underneath the emotions my physical appearance shows. It’s only in this way, because otherwise I can’t reduce the intensity of the underlying emotion I don’t let my body show. I also hope those who come across this can relate to this and, if the feeling of loneliness were to be there, feel less alone in this.

    I know that (“almost”) e-ve-ry single person on the face of the earth has at least once said, done or experienced something that he or she wouldn’t want to share with just anyone, because, even though that one thing doesn’t define all of someone’s personality, some people might still base their perception of that person on that one thing that could be considered negative. In that way, “we have all been there”. The difference for me and some others, is the scale on which this has happend, and that it was beyond our control. 

    By “beyond our control”, I mean that we didn’t have a hand in whether the message is sent or not. If I could have hand in the message that was sent, when I was “missing”, I would have said: “DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will make people “worried” for no reason and cause so much false bad publicity for me that it can ruin my entire future. The reason why I’m running away is because that was the only way for me to escape from the house you have locked me inside of. From the start, you knew that I didn’t want this and you still keep persisting your measures. The only way for me to breathe in outside air and move my muscles is by running away. I do not intend to come back.”

    That I’m here now, doesn’t mean that I want to be here. I hope my attempts to work and live abroad won’t be sabotaged, like in the past… 

    Because of what happend to me in 2017, I have no other choice but to “open Pandora’s Box” and point out why the rumors that have been spread aren’t the truth. This because the bias that has been caused by false beliefs, limits me in my professional life. I still have big plans for ways to improve life, I want to put into practice. It’s not possible for me to do that, if people believe that I’m a bad and crazy person, because of how I have been portrayed. It is not easy to recover from such a fucked up first impression, on so many people that it went beyond my own network. That’s actually even worse than “fucked up”.

    18:29 (06:29 PM)


    I wish I wasn’t showing you my issues with my parents anymore… I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself, but “we all know how that went, last time”...

    It seems like my mother isn’t a big fan of my plans to work abroad. There were no positive statements made, only: “Who says you’ll find the right job?” “Who says you’ll find an apartment?” “Maybe you won’t get the paperwork.” She wants me to work and study in the Netherlands. The urge in me to live somewhere else, becomes greater every day. I want to go to a calm and pretty sunny beach. I’d like to live somewhere where there’s no (or less) cold weather. Some place where there’s a lot of (non-artificially planted) nature, where you can enjoy the sounds of it, instead of hearing cars, sirenes and honking trucks way too often on a day. 

    If someone were to be enthusiastic about my ideas, I would just focus myself on that person and talk to him or her, instead of talking with people with a pessimistic form of determinism on their minds, believing nonsense such as “We can never know anything,” “Eternal peace is impossible to achieve,” et cetera. That shit is toxic. With myself, I notice that when I only meet people who believe such things, and I try to prevent silence in a conversation, I just start rephrasing things related to that form of determinism, because I have nothing else to talk about with them. Information about my project I don’t often share with people who answer: “Nothing, just watching TV or something,” to the question: “What do you like to do?” I seek people who would enjoy participating in my project. Participating means that you’ll be using your brain a lot and that 

    I have opened the messages from the government, which I’ve mentioned a few days ago. One says pay €7.692,96 before the 18th of October. Another one says pay €961,62 before the 25th of October. For both, if I don’t, it wil automatically be converted into a loan over which I need to pay interest. I’ll have to start paying back monthly, within two years, it says. 

    19:39 (07:39 PM)

    My strategy for the new Nosce Te Ipsum was based on the words “clear and complete”. It’s a lot less long, compared to the first and second episode of the previous version of the series. There’s a lot more information about Project Nosce Te Ipsum and A LOT more information about the context of the fill-in-the-gap story. I’ve changed the context of our interaction to something more thrilling to “get out of”. I hope it’s now more clear that it’s a “book quest” that is indirect (self-)research. 

    For the sake of light exercise, a change of scenes and seeing people of whom I think they’re Cuddle, I’ll be going to “the university” later. I still, in conversations, say “the university”, even though I’m not a student there (anymore). 

    21:53 (09:53 PM) 

    I think the new fill-in-the-gap story is an improvement, compared to the old one. It’s not exactly new. It starts in a different point in te story, less in medias res

    23:02 (11:02 PM) 

    Haha meoww I’m in the mood for something light and semi-sweet, but I left my bank card at home… Should I go home…¿ I don’t want to haha……. 

    But I will, I guesssss. Some brandy would be nice… And I feel like eating wentelteefjes, haha. The fill-in-the-gap story is spread over two mini chapters now. 

    00:36 (12:36 AM) 

    Change of plans… I had a glass of water, haha…… 

    I’ll make some rice pourridge tomorrow, for breakfast. I plan on having breakfast. In the morning… I most often don’t have breakfast… 

    But tomorrow needs to be a productive day :D… So that means getting up early (they say). 

    Here’s a link to the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which I haven’t promoted yet. 

    Only if I submit the new episode before tomorrow night, I can be sure of it being in stores on the 30th. Meow… I’m doing my very best :]. 

    I feel uncomfortable about promoting The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I at least just as much as Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, because I’ve written about my situation with Benoît so extensively, but I haven’t talked about it with him, because I have been somehow separated from him. This since the police issue. I want to know what happend :[. They’ve said he’s too old for me. But what if I dig greyness? Not that I’ve been intimate with him in that way. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to, though… Those agents, too, already had their bias when they interrogated me. So when I answered a question, they said: “No, it’s actually this,” as if they know my mind better than I do, “correcting” my statements. 

    I miss him :[. The project I’m working on now, is based off the blueprint of the campaign I wanted to make for him, before my parents interfered in my PR business, by taking parental measures (while the company was mine and only mine). In this project, I’ve reserved a spot for him… 

    I hope somehow I’ll be able to get back in touch with him. He’s one of the few people I can truly talk to :[. (In the sense that I can’t truly express myself in “small talk friendships”.)


    On the trippy bill I got from the government: my preference goes out to paying the whole thing at once. At the moment I am far from able to do that, so I’d rather enjoy the rest of the money I have while it lasts and take myself on a mini vacation before I might go back to working 40 hours per week in beast mode. I just purchased a travel case for my Nintendo Switch, Sonic Mania [, I wanted to buy Super Smash Brothers, too, but I saw it isn’t out yet for the Switch] and two “popular” books I’ve wanted to read, but haven’t (fully) read yet: The Prince and Letters of a Stoic [some of these letters I do have translated in school, I believe]. They’re both in English. I always love to read books about which there’s a lot of controversy [while most of the people who have an opinion about it haven’t even read it], because there’s often a lot to reflect on, there. Just like when I read Propaganda by Edward Bernays… 

    If I’m done writing etc. tomorrow, I could buy new travel suitcases on Friday… Should I go to Italy or California…? Italy is closer by, so I could stay there for longer, but I don’t speak Italian and I’m more interested in permanent residence in California. But I crave for Italian food from Italy itself… I’ve stayed in Udine and in Brugnera during separate holiday seasons, with my family and some family friends, years ago. And I’ve been to Rome on a ten day school trip. 

    If it were up to me, I would dash out of here and go on a short holiday on the 1st of October, because I want to be by myself or be with people without a negative view on me, in a new city I [or we? :D] can explore. But my mother’s birthday is on the 8th. Also, I don’t know where to be on the 2nd of October. Benoît’s birthday… I want a Cuddle :[. I’ve literally been holding back tears about this 24/7, since May 2017. If these haters would know all of the shit I’m not telling them… Where’s my B? :[

    I want to be close to where B is, on the 2nd. I really wish I could give him a birthday hug [and Cishes¿ als dat mag…] and the author’s copy I’ve purchased for him… He lend me two books, after a “hang out” [please don’t mistake it for a synonym of “doing nothing”… we were talking about very serious things], so I think it’s cool to give him a book this time. I don’t even have a clue of in which country he is… There’s something so fishy going on here, and I know some people know much more about my parents calling the cops on us. I don’t want to “open verbal fire” about this topic by myself again, though. It always became 2+ against 1. I’ve been struggling with my heart rhythm. I know a discussion where it feels like you’re talking to a stack of bricks will make that issue A LOT greater. 

    My gut says they’ve imprisoned him. In the way I was interrogated, it really sounded like they wanted to frame him. But I’ve gone against the bias in the posing of their questions and I’ve said that he’s a good man and that I would rather leave with him, than with my parents [The truth, to this day..]. I hope my gut isn’t right :[. This situation is so strange… :[

    Ah, meow, it’s 02:31 (AM)… Now it’ll be a late breakfast… 

    Thank you for reading my randomness

    I love you! <3

    Good night



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