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Online Diary

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

02:29 (AM)  Chapter one is done! 😀 I have the full concept for the book in mind already. I’ve been having it in mind for quite some time already, as you might have read. All I need to do, is write it down. And make a better promotional image for it…  I hope you’ll love it! I hope our Volta’s will make our paths intertwine. I hope it will sell, because I’m such a poor catje 🙁 .  Haha indirectly, the book is also there to induce people to make a career shift and become a publicist 😀 . Volta…

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Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

00:34 (12:34 PM)  Meow… 🙁  I really need to find a way to earn.  I can’t go on like this. But I prefer death over committing myself to a simple and routinous job for minimum wage….  I became what I can’t stand. Over the past few weeks – besides submitting my admission – I’ve blocked out my entire reality and watched all episodes from Rick and Morty. There are not many TV shows I can watch or even hear, without my annoyance from its superficiality increasing my heart rate. But I can relate to Rick’s attitude towards Earth so well…

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Monday, January 21, 2019

16:35 (04:35 PM)  Good afternoon ♥ I’m walking home from buying groceries for dinner. I’ll start cooking right away: yellow rice and some grilled veggies.  Haha meoow the awkward part about hyping a day for a shift that would make me happy, is that I depend on people I have not spent much time with. (That’s extra exciting 😀  ) But meoow it’s never guaranteed. On the contrary…  I’m cookinggg  Time to eatt xxx ~~~

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Sunday, January 20, 2019

03:23 (AM)  I just completely finished the D.O.C.I.S. International website, wrote this article and submitted my application for the double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics at the Erasmus University. Meoow I’m exhaustedddd x_x.  That frustration from yesterday, about me leaving – I’m so tired of the disrespect – came off more harsh than I meant it.  I will not just leave. I still love them, but I need to do what is the right thing for my heart. If I am rich by then, I will give them money for ever having given money to me (cash or transferred), and…

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Saturday, January 19, 2019

04:50 (AM)  I’m just here to tell you that I love you and am going to sleep now. (This is something I feel I always have to do before going to bed.) Oh and all pages of the D.O.C.I.S. International website, except the one about becoming a partner and/or publicist, are done now! (And I have my old student account semi-back…) I love you Good night  – xxx – 14:20 (02:20 PM) That article was postponed, because web maintenance, doing Studielink things and editing my letter cost more time than expected.  Here’s a picture of yesterday’s dinner I luckily received…

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Friday, January 18, 2019

05:52 (AM)  Meoww I just had to finish that motivation letter, is what I told myself today/yesterday. And I decided that the completeness of my message is far more important than the maximum amount of words. So what had to be 400 words, became 2169 words. I assume that it is clear that rejecting someone who exceeds the maximum number of words with more than 500%, is the same as killing that person – because where else in life can that person go, than a well-ranked, internationally oriented university…? I hope the proposal within my motivation will be accepted. I…

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Thursday, January 17, 2019

00:21 (12:21 AM)  The new home page of the D.O.C.I.S. International website is done 😀 . Besides the “this website is being edited”, which I’ll take away when I’m done with all pages.  I love that I’m finally outing my publisher’s approach! The reason why I kept waiting – and actually sort of still should be waiting – was because I wanted to have more than one publicist [now it’s only me ahahahah], before I transformed my site to that format. With those almost (to be) empty publicists [because saying “propagandist” is too controversial (apparently mainstream people will think that…

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Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

11:44 (AM)  Good morning ♥ I hope you’re having a good day, as usual 🙂 . I wish we could do something fun together. Then my days would be good as well. Meoww my throat is so swollen and painful that eating, drinking and speaking hurt like crazy, and my airways sometimes get blocked when I try to sleep 🙁 .  But lucky enough, I’m well rested enough to work on (and hopefully complete) my admission.  Even though I’m actually not feeling good enough to go outside, I’ll (have to, for the sake of surviving this pain) buy some ginger,…

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Tuesday, January 15, 2019

12:55 (AM)  Good afternoon ♥ How’s your day? I’m sick again 🙁 . When my throat hurt, when I was at doctor Cuddle’s, I said that it was not the type of throat ache where swallowing hurts, because then it didn’t. Apparently that was “not yet”, because now, when I swallow, my entire body cramps up from the pain 🙁 . I keep drinking ginger in hot water, by means of attempting to cure it.  My headache and persistent fatigue [how can I still be tired, while I’ve slept for so long???] make me not want to work today. But…

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Monday, January 14, 2019

01:57 (AM)  Meoww I’ve edited the front page, the D.O.C.I.S. International website and my motivation letter a bit. Staring into screens for such a long time, makes me feel a bit “grrrrr”, because I want to move around, but won’t feel comfortable doing that, while I’m not done with what I was doing. I’m tired of typing so much, but there’s still quite some that needs to be done, before I can submit my admission.  Meow I’m getting a fever again, I think. My head hurts, I feel my temperature fluctuate and swallowing hurts like craazyyy 🙁 . Today will…

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Sunday, January 13, 2019

13:58 (01:58 PM) Good afternoon ♥ I couldn’t sleep last night, from the excitement (and light stress about the possibility of being rejected) for studying to obtain a bachelor (and hopefully being able to do this “the apprentice way”, receiving guidance for the research projects I’ve already broken down, instead of doing it via the regular homework -> test, homework -> test, homework-> test -> thesis, way). I’ve already written down what I’ll include in my motivation letter. At first I wanted to settle for only econometrics, or maybe philosophy on top of that as well, but if I’d listen…

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Saturday, January 12, 2019

00:52 (12:52 AM)  Meoww my heart rate, the warmth, slight hunger and my thoughts, are keeping me awake. I’m going to eat a Berliner bun, we also bought at the supermarket before driving here.  I’m so curious about what today will bring. I know I’m severely ill and as soon as that is officially spoken out – and my mother hears it from a source she does find trustable – I’ll have to undergo multiple forms of treatment and restore. Truthfully, I want to do all of this in Germany. I don’t even want to go back to the Netherlands…

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Friday, January 11, 2019

15:04 (03:04 PM)  Good afternoonzz ♥ How are you today?  I’m tired easily and chest achy, the way I usually am. I made this for “breaklunch”: I just left the pharmacy, close to where I stay in Amsterdam. I was there to buy a urine cup, because that’s what’s needed for the completion of doctor Cuddle’s research, but after waiting there for 30 minutes, there were two waiting people helped, and still 9 people in front of me, so I’m glad my mother found one at the drogisterij.  Then I started to feel dizzy again, so I bought some water…

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Thursday, January 10, 2019

13:56 (01:56 PM)  Good afternoon ♥ I hope this will be my last day in this powerless situation. Hopefully my mother hearing the news straight from the doctor instead of from me, will make her fucking realize that what I say about my health is not “a fit of schizophrenia”. I hope he can also make her (and the rest of the dumb motherfuckers who don’t believe me) realize that forcing me to work for a boss can kill me, because of the stress that is put on my heart (and the fact that I’d rather die than do that…

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Wednesday, January 9, 2019

12:38 (PM)  Good afternoon 🙂 ♥ My body feels less weak than yesterday, but weaker than the day before that.  I don’t feel strong enough to go for a walk, later, but I’m going so crazy from being indoors all of the time. I want to move some. So I might still just do it.  But first… I’ll take a short nap on the couch… 🙁 My level and frequency of fatigue are insane :'(. Love you xxx ~~~ 13:03 (01:03 PM)  Change of plansss. I find myself too smelly to lay on a couch that is not mine. So…

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Tuesday, January 8, 2019

10:13 (AM)  Good morning ♥♥ I still feel sick. With the motion headache, the internal pains and my fatigue. My breathing and heart rate become worse every day.  Also, I noticed that I’ve destroyed my eyes with all of this typing on here. Last night, I  suddenly had extreme needs to water them with water. It felt like they were drinking, when I poured water from a bottle cap, into my eyes, because it kept feeling like they wanted more.  So today, I won’t be posting anything – but I always keep my phone close, because when whatever snake attempts…

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Blog, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Monday, January 7, 2019

02:11 (AM)  Meow excuse my delay. I’m tired and that makes me slow 🙁 . I think it’s the most healthy to wait with what I wanted to share with you – it’s a lot of thoughts – until I’ve had some better rest. Then I’ll also not feel like rushing it.  I’m in bed now, wearing socks until my feet get warm [I wish I had a warm body to cuddle [klinkt het alsof ik over een lijk praat? HAHAHA dat bedoel ik niet. I’m talking about finding Cuddle loveee] to replace my socks with… Would you truly love…

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Sunday, January 6, 2019

02:52 (AM)  I went straight to bed after twisting my hair (took me about 30 minutes… I rushed it and that is visible 🙁 . It’s not neat…). But a growling stomach leads to: I think my body is getting unappreciative of white carbs, because even though I’m very hungry, I feel extreem misselijk after eating the pasta, but not when I eat the salmon and spinach. I must say that I’ve been feeling misselijk for quite a few days, but I almost choked to death this one time I vomited, a few years ago, so now I’m scared to,…

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Saturday, January 5, 2019

02:32 (AM)  Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist…  I’m still…

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Friday, January 4, 2019

00:18 (12:18 AM) Yesterday’s mission was completed 🙂 . I wrecked my brain doing it, but at least I won’t pressure myself to make a beat myself any time soon now that I uploaded one.  Check it out 😀 . I’ll be closing things off, finish my pre-bed bread and fruit and set an alarm to call the doctor at 7 AM, hoping that I can get helped today. I already have palpitations thinking of what I should say, when I’m asked why I need to see a doctor. I’ll be like: *waits until receptionist is done with her introduction*…

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Thursday, January 3, 2019

13:33 (01:33 PM)  Good afternoon, my love ♥ How’s my Sweetniss [ = person who is sweet, in Cuddle ] doing today? I hope all is Cuddle 🙂 . For me, things are unfortunately less Cuddle. I have a fever 🙁 . Je kan een eitje bakken op mijn voorhoofd. That’s how high my temperature feels. Does anyone want some? I need a Cishe 🙁 . Okay… That would make my temperature rise even more [get it? Because you’re so hot in a sense of attraction 😀 ], but it would still make me feel better… I don’t want to…

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Wednesday, January 2, 2019

00:25 (12:25 PM)  My growling stomach indicated that it’s time for my pre bed meal, so… I’m drinking jasmine tea with this… Meow . Where I was before this? After coming back “home” from the party, where I was very awkward and it is and was eating at me, playing games on my Switch and writing that other Dutch post. I often write posts without mentioning anything about it in my diary. All of this blog posting, is something I do, because otherwise, I would have no ways of being able to express my true self. I just keep explaining…

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Van mezelf tot mezelf

Dinsdag, 1 januari 2019 Het was een heel gewaagd eerste artikel, gister. Ik wil echt niet eerst moeite doen om gewaardeerd te worden in Nederland. Wanneer het aan komt op entertainment (en dan nog niet eens te beginnen over politiek en/of het zakenleven), is Nederland de meest (onnodig) koude en harde jury aller tijden. Niet alleen de proleten thuis op de bank. Ook de “media grootheden”. Iedereen blaft zijn of haar koude en harteloze mening en lacht daar zelfs vervolgens om. Want dat is wat humor is, tegenwoordig. Je hebt er geen hersencellen meer voor nodig. Iedereen heeft altijd iets…

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Tuesday, January 1, 2019

00:00 (12:00 AM)  My love ♥ Just a minute ago, the time indicator on your phone said “2018”, the way it did all year, and now, it says “2019”!!! And that for another year!!! Apparently that is a reason to pollute the environment with fireworks and get veryyyy intoxicated. I get the getting intoxicated part. I hope you’re having fun, wherever you’re at.  I’m here, all by myself. War veterans and I are silently going crazy on the inside. I hope no one blows up the house I’m in 🙂 .  Especially on a day like this, I am so…

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Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Doe eens iets geks? 

Iets wat ik nog nooit heb gedaan, is een post helemaal in het Nederlands schrijven. Wat betreft grammaticaregels [ik kan het beter “alleen maar uitzonderingen” noemen] is het sowieso een verschrikkelijke taal, dus wijk ik algauw liever uit naar een wat toegankelijkere taal. Puur om geklaag te vookomen.  Vele Nederlanders hebben me aangeraden om eerst te beginnen met het veroveren van de Nederlandse markt, voordat ik internationaal ga. Ik heb drie heel zwaar wegende argumenten om dit niet te doen:  Het doel van mijn missie betreft alle landen ter wereld, [JA, “KOMMA EN”] en het Engels is een internationale taal. …

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Monday, December 31, 2018

01:52 (AM)  I’m back in Amsterdamm My sister’s birthday was nice. I had some good non-microwave-level conversations 🙂 . But I’m still cuddleless 🙁 . When people asked me where I’m going, when I left my own home, about an hour ago, I told them I’m going to party in Amsterdam on New Year’s. I had to say that. I mean my parents are going to party as well, on New Year’s, so being alone could have been in my own room as well, but that’s not the same. The amount of bad memories I have about my own bedroom…

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Sunday, December 30, 2018

15:22 (03:22 PM)  Good afternoon 🙂 Today we celebrate my sister’s 17th birthday ♥. I’ve chosen her name. I was sick at home and my parents were somewhere else. A reality TV show about a hospital was on, where they showed the birth of a child. She was named Kayleigh. I found that such a pretty name, that I called my mother to tell her that I wanted to propose a name for my sister to be. And now we’ll party until sunrise, to celebrate Kayleigh, together with all of our parents’ friends (haha what). The time goes by so…

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Saturday, December 29, 2018

01:41 (AM)  Heeyy♥ I’m almost done with the fundraiser pages. I’m now finishing Fangs’s Volta. Only when I’m fully done with everything I need to take care of, I will go to sleep. That is the text of the last form, the sign up form and making a slider. I fully destroy my heart and brain with the ways I’m trying to do things for the greater good, without ever taking a break. I hope this fundraiser will lead to me finally being able to make that change and live happily. I’m actually crying silently right now, because the stress…

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Friday, December 28, 2018

03:33 (AM) ♥♥♥ The proposal page and the 2019’s reform article are done. The Fangs’s Fundraisers page is made, but I’ll finish that tomorrow.  I’m going to get ready for bed. I hope you’ll be tuning in to the making of the fundraisers’ page as well, today’s afternoon 🙂 . I also reallyyyy hope you’ll donate! [Especially to the funding of a better life for me… I want to be able to be all by myself and/or with Graeynissis on New Year’s… Really… Being stuck in this life from the start of 2019 as well would be too painful… I…

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Thursday, December 27, 2018

00:22 (12:22 AM)  My love ♥ We’ve almost gotten ourselves through the holidays. I hope you’re enjoying the experience, but have not become so attached to it that you’d be one of those who insist that the annual routine of life right now, will be the exact same in 30 years. I think I have a healthy alternative for you. There are many things on my list for today. Regarding my political aspirations and the current state of my business (branding). I hope I’ll finally be able to break down everything on Graeyniss level and I pray you’ll anticipate in…

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Wednesday, December 26, 2018

01:57 (AM)  There’s some text in the previous post, which was updated after 12. I would love to talk to you some more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Plus, I’ll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, because during last evening’s dinner, we decided that I’m not only in charge of the mashed potatoes. I’ll also be making the starter. My sister wants something with raw salmon, so I’ll be making my own version of zalmtaartaar :)♥ . I’m off to bed Good night, my love ♥ I love you ♥ ♥ I can’t wait to spend…

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Tuesday, December 25, 2018

00:43 (AM)  Ohh something important that just came to mind, I still need to mention: My parallel coup [in the sense that I don’t believe in the democratic system and thus I don’t intend to waste my time with trying to acconplish my endeavor via that route… I want it to be a violence free route] technocracy parliament is built up diffrently from regular parliaments. The Praesens, me, has a say in everything and is on top of everything. My Graeynissis report to me and I report to the public. And my local Cuddles report to my Graeynissis (and me)….

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Monday, December 24, 2018

00:10 (AM)  From the way I don’t show my emotions on my face, I know I’m perfect for politics. The way I express myself in real life and here are so different. This is not real life. This is LilFangs.com on the internet.  Haha I feel a bit un-cuddle for being on my phone all of the time here. I don’t know what to talk about in real life. All I can think about, currently  But hey this Graeyniss situation is very serious. I want to have an occupation that forces me to be with my Graeynissis 24/7. I’m done…

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