Online Diary

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Thursday, August 23, 2018

06:19 (AM) 

Good morning <3

How was your night? 

I’m going to hit the shower


07:15 (AM) 

I’m at the gas station now. Just filled up this fucking big tank + got breakfast… 

09:52 (AM) 

Long time no semi-selfie?

Another angry client because she had been waiting for a substitute vehicle for more than 24 hours. She was in a quite secluded area in Hungary. I managed to arrange a car delivery from Budapest. I called her to tell her the delivery will take place around the end of the afternoon. She told me it has to take place sooner, because she has been waiting for very long. I tell her this is the soonest option. She says it’s not good enough. I ask her if I should cancel the delivery. First she said no, but later she said yes. So I ask her “You are going to pick up the car in Budapest yourself?” (It was about 2 hours from where she was at.) She says “yes”. I tell her, you’ll get a €75 refund for this. She says “No, you’ll get a fat bill from me for this”. I said: “Then I’ll now call Avalon to cancel your delivery. Bye.” Not even 5 minutes later I receive a message from a colleague who has been called by her, saying that she wants the delivery still. Oh my god, these people, man… I chose this job because I needed an investment and this seemed like a very noble type of work… 

14:43 (02:43 PM) 

I mentioned becoming part of the ISSN network earlier. But for our internationalness’ sake, and the “unfortunate” fact that I am, right now, still a sole proprietor (and not having offices across the globe), I’ll stick to ISBNs. I can only give out ISSN codes via (“what a surprise”) another royal organization (these monopolies, man….). But you need a temporary or permanent Dutch address to see publications published with a Dutch ISSN code, I saw. That’s not Cuddle proof… 

21:47 (09:47 PM) 

Pass Out

You look so cute

I almost fainted


Will you be with me? 

When I pass out [paaaa-haaaa (higher pitch) – sssssss – ouhououuuut (mid pitch (lower than the previous, but higher than the one before that))]

Sometimes it just happens

Pass out

I want to:

  • Write a summary of all Nosce Te Ipsum episodes and blog posts I’ve written this far. 
  • [Random] The times I remember passing out: Albert Heijn (±6 years old) , “‘s Gravenland festival” (±10 years old) (+koningsdag), die ene keer “toen iedereen een compleet andere herinnering van de avond had” (±19 years old), die ene keer in de douche (±19 years old) 

This was when I started working at the ANWB (“Royal Dutch Automobile Association”)

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Wednesday, August 22, 2018

15:01 (03:01 PM)  I’m eating some left over noodles now. After this, I’ll cycle to the Polak building (or the other one? I find that building prettier. It was closed last time, though) and try to finish as much as possible from the statistics assignment, until I meet a Cuddle in the city center. He bought me a pregnancy test… Because of my work hours and fatigue, I haven’t had time to do this. (Also, I just don’t want to know…… (Unless it’s good news hahahaha. Good news = keeping my freedom lol. It sounds fucking freaky, having an abortion… (But when I said “No, you don’t have to…”, I was aware of the risk I was taking. Aware, but not consciously feeling the fear I don’t want to feel…))   It was the heat of the moment, after spontaneously kissing this Cuddle, and this becoming more and more intense, which made me answer “no” to the question if I want to use protection. The chance I’d climax using a condom was way too small,  and if I don’t climax, I won’t be able to sleep…  21:00 (09:00 PM)  I forgot my laptop charger… I finished question one to five. Now only question 6 is left. I think I’m going to write down the financial plan. I need to finish my test before 11 pm to have enough time to make a pdf file (since I write my answers down on paper and still need time to copy-paste everything (including my Minitab worksheets) into one Word-document and then convert it). I’ll do this at home. (Haha my boyfriend said I shouldn’t start every sentence with I. But it’s so easy………………))). 22:19 (10:19 PM)  A moment of silence for the times I didn’t take the shortest route home from the city center. It’s “over campus” ahaha… How do you end up in the situation where you are in a bus that arrives on campus around 09:30 pm? Haha caaattttttttt (^  3 ^)…      ^      ^        (^3^) 22:51 (10:51 PM) 

Time zone cheattt (for me, it’s an hour later…)

The funny thing about of all of this is that “I don’t know what I’m writing down” “haha”.
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Tuesday, August 21, 2018

03:44 (AM) 

I can’t sleep, my meow :[. I realized the satin thread my future is hanging on is even thinner than I thought before… Save me :'[.

07:03 (AM) 

It was a tough decision, but I just called in sick. Now I lose my right to the €100 “performance bonus”… I must say me feeling fucked up, while never before having called in sick or in any other way miss out on a shift, doesn’t say ANYTHING about my overall performance. It’s tough because from September onwards I might be without an income, if I lose my right to my student loan (again…), if my parents keep their feet down when it comes to them wanting me to work at least 24 hours a week and not pay my tuition… (That is: no degree and being stuck to minimum wage and empty conversation for the rest of my life, if I don’t find my Graeynissis… My degree is part of my back-up plan.) 

On the other hand, I am so glad I finally have a day on which I can semi-recover from all this shit… I’m so exhausted. There are so many ways in which I want to relax… I want to watch The Office US (that’s what I always watch when I feel un-cuddle), read example sentences (my guilty pleasure… Best book ever lol), play the piano and make the financial overview. I can’t cram all of these things in one day, though. I mean, I can do it, but then I’ll still get more tired instead of feel less tired. Plus I’ve been having a serious headache for a few days (or is it weeks?) straight now, I pee at least 10 times a day (for weeks…), and this strange sensation in my lower belly doesn’t go away either, but my physician has been so hurtful to me, I never want to see her again, so I don’t know what to do with this… 

They say don’t share your medical information… Or your sadness… Let’s prove that it doesn’t cause bad shit one day. 

Anyway :D. I’m going to search for something nice to eat. 

22:51 (10:51 PM) 

My Cuddle, I’m going to add a layer of openness to my writings in this category. 

I try to keep things semi-chiseled, because I want to have you (who’s reading this right now) on and by my side. There are these unspoken rules in business culture I’m somehow trying to implement in how I write down my experience, but right now, I just want to say fuck it, because it’s not my natural behavior anyway. I’m not describing what I mean very clearly. I think, if I give  you this one example, you’ll understand what I mean. I earlier mentioned “this strange sensation in my lower belly”. By this, I actually meant “I might be pregnant”… I haven’t mentioned when and how this has happend, that this has very recently happend before also (that is wasn’t the first time…) and (to this person…) that I am a polyamorist. 

It feels a little strange writing this down here, because this is the website you get to when you click on “blog” on my “business website”. (This is actually my business website as well (my business has two names). This is the “brand” side,  the other is the “formalities” side.  (Public correspondence here, the back-end on the other website.)

But fuck it :D. Life is waaahaaaay too short to be chiseled all the time. I want to be drunk and high at the same time so bad… [Need own space…] So that’s what I’ll be doing tomorrow, while I make my statistics assignment, after I make my statistics assignment, before I make my statistics assignment… (Okay, at least I’ll be high. With alcohol I have 0 productivity… Plus, I get hangovers so fast (if I don’t drink a gallon of water before going to bed, for which I’m often too drunk and lazy haha). I don’t drink alcohol that often. I smoke weed about once a day… But not always, like today, I haven’t smoked and yesterday I haven’t smoked either.) 

I want to make the financial overview. 

I didn’t do anything today, by the way. I had a little bit of pasta for breakfast, then I untied the twists I wear underneath my wig and went to bed. At some point I woke up so hungry, I had to get up, before I wasn’t able to do that anymore. I made some improv noodles, ate them and drunk some orange juice, then went back to bed again. Later I read some example sentences (I use them to fantasize) and had dinner (a one-pan coconut curry with spinach and fish + rice dish). Then I washed, conditioned and combed my natural hair in the shower. 

I want to write the financial overview, but I can’t give you the exact numbers yet, because I don’t know how much income I’ll get this month… I don’t know if I’ll receive my study financing this month, because they asked for proof of enrollment a while back, and I haven’t submitted it (yet…?). I want to be enrolled for a full-time period next year, before I submit it. If I won’t do this full-time study, I’ll probably never submit the proof…….. 

I just got the impulse to re-publish the first and second episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum and these diary posts as one book, under a different name. I took them offline, because I didn’t describe Nosce Te Ipsum as extensive as I wanted to, and put too much emphasis on the powerless situation I was in at that time. By vanishing a second time, I semi got myself out of this situation, but financially, I’m basically in the same unnecessary situation.

When it comes to my business, I really want to just work with Homo Economicus individuals (no Sapiens… and) not businesses (especially not governments….). We need to be un-chiseled, but in this way, as a Graeyniss, you’re harder to reach… I never spot wild Graeynissis in public (is that “the wild” to you?  Ahahahaha.  It is,  to me…) Do you live close to where you work?? 

By the way, it it just me, or does it seem like “Chaos is waking up from his slumber”? All Summer – as always – basically nothing happens. And now, again, I get more and more of these pop-up “breaking news” messages I can’t seem to turn off. The app is native. I can’t uninstall it x_x.

Me delivering a short statement about unprotected sex is just the slightest hint of purity (“wildness”) I want to show throughout my works. Project Nosce Te Ipsum has a movie (starring you, business professional who actually shouldn’t be involved in entertainment, but who has, like me, decided to say “fuck it”? :D), which also has nude scenes. (But not flashy, more subtle…) 

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Monday, August 20, 2018

11:43 (AM) 

When I, yesterday, said that today was going to be the same, I was still hoping that I at least could get out of bed on time. 

How was your night? 

I’m going to try to get up to search for clothes to wear and hit the shower


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Yet another client who threatened to involve the media and sue the company (and me somehow). He said: “Maak je borst maar nat.” Literally translated, that is: “Wet your chest.” It means: “Get ready to battle.” This time because this flѐh didn’t get the car he wanted at Trieste Airport. I told him the car he gets depends on the availability at that moment. He was at the police station because he found that the person working at Avis was racist for not giving him the Mercedes he asked to keep aside for him. They wanted to give him a Volkswagen Tiguan, but that wasn’t good enough for him. I got a request to call him back, because first he wanted to pin it on me that he didn’t get the Mercedes. By that time, the Tiguan wasn’t available anymore either. He ended up getting some van of which he said it was damaged. This didn’t suit his holiday setting, he said. He travels with his pregnant wife. When he put me on speaker phone at the police station, to back him up, I didn’t. I told him the car he gets depends on what is available at that moment. He said that he needed to talk to a supervisor, because “I didn’t want to help him”. (I just didn’t agree with him, that’s all…) 

In the end, I ended up requesting a car delivery from Croatia for him. When I called him to ask him if he will accept an Opel Astra Sports Tourer, he said “only if the car has navigation and if the car doesn’t break down”. I told him he actually can’t receive navi, but I still requested it at the Croatian rental service [I got a crazy discount. Normally it’s €45 a day, but he gave it for €35 for the full 13-day rental period] and that I can’t guarantee him that the car won’t break down, but that, if the car gets delivered to him, I assume that it drives properly. The car was bought in July this year. 

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Sunday, August 19, 2018

14:21 (02:21 PM) 

Hey Cuddle, 

How are youu? 

“Haha” yesterday I mentioned getting up early to work on my statistics assignment… I asked my Google Assistant to set an alarm for 9 in the morning. When it went off, I realized I was too tired to work on it still. I kept hitting snooze and, the first two hours, trying to take a little nap in between alarms, with the actual intention to get up after it went off, but I just couldn’t… Then I was trying to lake in between alarms (haha for the first time I decided to ride the passionate thought wave I can truly lake on… Why have I waited so long…). After I succeeded, I had gone from “very early and having enough time to get ready and make sure I have everything with me” to “boiii if I miss the next alarm I’m going to have to rush to not be late” around 11:40. My shift started at 13:30. It’s “a 30 minute drive” (if you follow the speed limit) and, after parking, it takes at least 5 mins to get to my desk. After showering etc – no “breakfast” – I still had to assemble my dinner and snacks to last this day without passing out. I have with me: a container filled with soy beans I ordered with the €50+ sushi my sister and I had last night (actually they wanted to order Indian food, but the place was closed… Earlier this week I had a €20 pizza + Ben and Jerry’s*), two multi grains + apple cookies two-packs, two bounties, an eat natural bar with yoghurt and apricot, an apple, a small container with tiramisu and a supermarket Caesar salad without meat. 

* I’m saying this to emphasize how much I’m financially (e.a…) being neglected by not being allowed to travel far away,  them obligating me to work, because they don’t want to have me inside the house too often, and them declining my investment proposal, while I proposed to pay fucking interest. I want you to understand my perspective when I say: “Fuck them. I need to get the fuck out of here and never come back.” They have been eating takeout at least three days a week since I was sixteen… I cook whenever I get the chance (and either there are groceries to cook with in the house (almost never (not what I like)) or I buy groceries, if I have money for that). But lately, school, work and blogging require too much time and energy to cook… 

21:30 (09:30 PM) 

30 minutes left… (And then tomorrow the same thing over again :'(. If I didn’t do this for investing in my business and getting a VAR declaration… I wanted to say “I would have quit”, but I can’t take that reputational risk…) I “look forward” to another university day on Wednesday, to make my statistics assignment. Hopefully then, I’ll also find a moment to make a financial overview, so that I have an easy reference I can use to descibe all of my plans (for us) with you :). 

I need plenty of Graeyniss insiders to distinguish myself the way I want to… You would distinguish yourself even more… Only if we work together, we could create new standards when it comes to communication and innovation. We communicate differently, in the sense that we treat each other with respect and our sense of humor requires intelligence instead of just being hurtful. When it comes to innovation, we’re the only ones putting our minds to it, so whe should do this togther (it’s efficient, it’s Cuddle…). If we don’t do it, no one else will… (Otherwise it would have already happend… I’m 21…) Also, if we would form a team (Council), which is a body that delivers consensuses (to overthrow the current public opinions on good and bad), we wouldn’t be alone anymore… Right now there are no such convivial groups of Graeynissis. 

We’re the only Graeynissis left anyway… (Graeynissimus… [Cuddle has capital superlatives]

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Saturday, August 18, 2018

10:51 (AM) 

Good morning,  my Cudlle

How was your night? 

16:01 (04:01 PM) 

My shift is almost oveeer yeeeheeeessssss. 

I need to work on the statistics assignment afterwards… But I want to chill :[. I thought of purchasing a Nintendo Switch, but that will leave a lot less for me to invest in my business. My business, which includes you as my Cuddle Graeyniss, is my life. Other than that there’s nothing here for me. I will never feel contempt with a routine that leaves 2 days of “freedom” for me, that, until the end of time, will either be filled in with hanging around inside the house, having a drink, going out for dinner, clubbing or playing pool, having the same type of oneliner conversation day in day out. These 2 days will then not be filled in with working on my own business, because in that life, which I will not be able to live, I would not have my own business. 

00:22 (AM) 

If I would compare the pressure on getting my business to a “running state”, related to how much I can relax, in my experience of June 6, compared to now… Now I have work over school over my business over relaxing, while having fallen so hard for my parents’ financial trap in June (April: “May I go to Atlanta?” “No,  it’s too far and too expensive,” [that’s greed, far from not having enough money] as one of the many fucking bullshit reasons why no [sorry for saying this¿ but sometimes [I use that word out of politeness. It’s actually “always”] I wish I had that lenient type of generous (white) parent [I’m not familiar with lenient black parents, but they must be out there somewhere… Maybe one day I will be one… Then again, maybe not (as in no children)]] June: “I want you to stay somewhere near me. 5 days in a designer hotel in Utrecht? Sure. Trying a new restaurant every day? Of course. Letting me stay in a (two bathroom) family apartment in a resort for two weeks? [I miss this apartment so much…] With ease.” It’s really not the money. It’s because people always ask for me and their answer should show that they’re not snakes…. “Where’s Dominique?” “I don’t know. She ran off to the States as soon as she had enough money to leave the house,” would make them look bad, right? 

Ah,  meow. Why am I talking about this frustrating topic again… 

Make me happy? I’m a very never mentioning depressing topics type of person when I’m happy. Haha all you have to do is genuinely cuddle me (and do business with me¿  :D). 

I’m going to try to get up early so I can do some statistics… 

By the way, I’ve added two images to yesterday’s post (haha I wrote poge on accident (that’s “page” and “post” mashed up)). 

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Friday, August 17, 2018

02:58 (AM) CEST

Mind if I show up like this?

Alarm 10:30

Leave 12:00

Finish Mathematics assignment

Fix dinner?? 

It’s Saint Fangs’s Day on August 23 (that is not my birthday).

I’m going to finish the story about how the outside mirror of my mother’s car wasn’t broken after waking up (I HOPE :D). 

12:48 (PM) 

Good afternoon :]

Haha every time I go to the university library in the afternoon, I want to stay until closing time, but at some point I need to rush home, because I’m too hungry and am not a fan of ordering takeout. Now I have half a baguette with a fried egg on it with me. I could also maybe get a salad at the supermarket. I want to stay until closing time so that I can smoke some weed in peace after I’m done ehehe. 

20:22 (08:22 PM)

I just finished my mathematics assignment. Wanna see it?

20:41 (08:41 PM) 

Hahahahah it has been soo long since I’ve been high on campus. 

23:44 (11:44 PM) 

I have started to edit a little,  after smoking. 

Haha I just realized that my header image makes it seem like I’m somehow affiliated with the Erasmus University. I would love to be, but this isn’t the case (yet? :D). It’s a picture I took on the night before I went to Paris… 

I would love to talk to you much more,  but I have to get up at six because work starts at 8 IN THE AM. I’m exhausted, it feels like my heart needs some true relaxation (I haven’t had time to relax in soooooooooo loooong) and I think I’m getting sick… My mother has a fever and I kissed her on her forehead… 

Ohhh now I remember the “epiphany”, from earlier again. I’ve deleted it,  because I started to write and then started to edit my other website,  never finishing my statement and having forgotten what I wanted to mention. 

I wrote: 

Scroll down for English….. 

“Er schoot me net ineens iets te binnen”

[That is informal Dutch for “I just had an epiphany”. It’s informal in the sense that it’s a oneliner in common speech that sounds like you want to say “After a (very) long period of mental silence, this just popped into my head”. Literally translated, it is: “Something just shot inside of me”. I used this sentence jokingly. (As in I don’t talk like that (unless I’m with someone who talks like that,  because I adapt (just like you ahahaha) ).)]

After such a long time,  I have had a thought,  that wasn’t that much “oh my god this lifeeee how do I get out of my parents’ house and leave a legacy behind”-related. Okay,  sort of… It’s more general,  but,  because I,  after the thought appeared, started to focus on again, I haven’t answered the mental question that appeared in my mind yet. It was: “Why do I often agree with, do or propose things I don’t enjoy at all, out of politeness?” [But if it’s Graeyniss related you know it’s never un-cuddle!!] 

Hahahaha for “Out of politeness, could the other party maybe just adapt to me”: but it’s not “Please just,  out of politeness, do not propose it”.)

I will answer this question some other time [help me remember? There are sooo many things on my list still  :[ ] ,  as a reflection article. [That category is way too emptyy. Your reflections should be in it as well… ]

I need to go to sleep now if I don’t want to collapse any time soon :D. 

By the way, a few days ago, I ended up reading a few of my articles from old to new. It was so addictive… The amount of articles seems infinite… I just kept reading and reading. It’s interesting to re-live these things. I wonder how it’s experienced from your perspective. 

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Thursday, August 16, 2018

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

Hey Cuddle :]

You must have thought of yourself with superpowers at least once. What were you doing then, as my hero?

The fluctuation of my grades doesn’t mean I suck. It means “I have only 15 mins to hand it in, so I’m not going to finish it.” (And then scoring all points on the few questions I have answered.) All TMAs and iCMAs make up 20% of my final grade. I can still get this “8 on average”… These are my mathematics grades. My statistics grades…. Are worse…. 

I’m going to start working on my mathematics TMA right now (I have today and tomorrow off). Hopefully I can finish both of my TMAs within these two days (except question 1 of my statistics TMA, because for that, I need to finish my experiment with mustard seeds, before I can answer the subquestions…). 

These are the seeds that are staying under a cover on the top floor. It’s so much hotter there because of the servers and bitcoin generating computers etc., they’re growing faster, while with this experiment, they probably want me to show the effects of “better photosynthesis”… I guess I’m showing warmth is more important than light…

Ah meow,  I want to tell you about the calculation of both personal and business related expenses I have made (which is also the most clear way to describe the project, I guess…) and how I broke an office record yesterday. I’m going to do a bit of Maths [I am so confused when it comes to naming subjects… Aren’t they supposed to be written with a capital first letter?], go to my grandmother’s to pick up the rest of my belongings there, because I need a notebook in  which I wrote down contact information of businesses I could contact for a partnership with this Polish cosmetics company, I haven’t had time for at all… I consider the chance they’d accept the offer very small, but I’m quite desperate to get my finances up,  because my parents want me to work 24 hrs a week,  but I want to do more than one school year in one school year, which is going to cost me £5,856,- a.k.a. about €6542,-, which would be about €546 a month, which is what I also need to pay rent… Since I want to get out of here by September/October. If I’d be able to study,  the full payment should be received by SEPTEMBER 13 2018 HAHAHAHAHAHA. My lifeeeee oh mannn ahahahahahahaha.

I want to follow the follow-up course of the Mathematics course I’m following now (another level 1, 15 ECTs), a course in personal finance (level 1, 15 ETCs) and a course called “running the economy”, for which I would need more than a compound sentence to describe its content (level 2, 30 ECTs). 

My father has paid for this school year in one installment, and he coud pay for next school year,  but that would mean I’d be stuck in this house again, and no one wants that. Somehow I can’t sign up for this montly payment account (anymore)… The page kept re-directing me to the homepage… 

My record for fastest reservation haahahahahah. The client was towed to a garage that was an ANWB partner, so I made the rental car reservation there. The previous record was about 20 minutes.

17:53 (05:53 PM) 

Haha okay,  I might have to take a day or two off work to finish these assignments. Last assignment I already had a few topics I was unfamiliar with (the rest I’ve had in high school), but for this assignment basically everything is completely new. The topics are “sequences and series” (I am not familiar with the form of calculation that goes with this form of notation),  “Taylor polynomials” (but this seems more “”quickly figure-outable””) and “complex numbers”. I’m going to try to speed up the process by watching tutorial videos. 

00:06 (AM) 

Ahahaa my Graeyniss!!! While I was driving home from 

To be continued on Aug 17 *insert link*

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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

14:53 (02:53 PM)

My dear fellow Cuddles,

It is time for clarity.

20:03 (08:03 PM)

I want to devote my life to changing our life for the better. By “our”, I literally mean us Cuddles (a.k.a. all of my readers). When I was younger, I wanted to make this change for literally everyone on the planet, but now that I’m a little older, I have learnt that, even though this alternate reality will have many benefits, very conservative people will only see what could possibly go wrong and then not go for it, even though their arguments are based on guesswork drained in fear.

By changing our life for the better, I am talking about introducing new concepts and systems on “above government”-level. I will explain the full concept about what I mean by “”above government”-level” to you, when I have more time. I’m at work now, my muse… Slowly, I’m getting to see the full picture on how to get to “”above government”-level”, without an “”above government”-level” network, set of diplomas and amount of cash. This strategy that works, however, still includes my desperate need of Graeynissis… (Right now, these dictionary words are re-directing you to the dictionary article. I’m going to add link ID’s, so you’ll get to the right word at once. This dictionary will expand, big time :).)

The video below is a video I made when I was in the U.S., hiding from police and my parents (and “old” life (that unfortunately is still my current life)), continuously thinking of how to get my project off the ground with no resources (because I was basically “bankrupt” (as in I reached the €500 limit on my debit account and my prepaid credit card was about to go empty from running away and hiding), about to have to live on the streets…). In the old Nosce Te Ipsum, I wanted to show you all aspects of the creation process, in the most raw and unedited way possible. I deleted it, because the mainstream will not see this originality, and probably also not read the explanation of it (“because “oh my godd eww readinggg””. flèh…). If it’s not clear why I chose to show unedited work, it will just be marked as “bad”, because it’s unedited, while the core of the project is a truly new concept. Even though the mainstream are not my audience, they need to at least spread the news at some point, for this to be able to reach the “beyond government”-level. It needs “beyond government”-level publicity… I need to fix these websites before I truly reach for that level,  though… 

I have thought of some changes, such as not including the court case. But I’d rather let you decide how things will go down. That’s why I’ll make polls, when I have more time. 

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

01:00 (AM)


MAJOR DIBS ON being part of the ISSN Network in the Netherlands… 

01:20 (AM)

First I signed up here. Just now, I did this. 

I haven’t written about spontaneously going out in Utrecht on Saturday night yet. 

And how I have my first Cuddle who proposed to co-write on this blog :D. 

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday,  August 9, 2018

14:02 (02:02 PM)

Good afternoon :]

After snoozing my alarm every 10 minutes from 10:15 until 12:25, I managed to be at work on time at 13:30. Now I have to *animal sound* here until 22:00. Until now I have had only one task. The task only shows “call client,  check note 61”. Note 61 shows that some car parts can’t be delivered to Switzerland and the car now needs to be transported to the Netherlands,  so he needs a bigger rental car for international use, with a different pick up and drop-off location. The client didn’t pick up when I called him,  so I left a text message.

14:52 (02:52 PM)

Lol okay I just did at least 10 cases and one randomly incoming phonecall. [Relatively high work pace.] This other client with his car in Switzerland hasn’t called back yet. Meow I’m tired :[. I went to sleep around 4 AM, but it’s hard for me to relax because there are so many things I still want and need to do,  plus this has been made so unnecessarily hard for me.

When I started to study International Economics and Business Economics at the Erasmus University in September 2016, my long term plan was to develop my PR business, let it grow out into the business I wanted it to be and then pass on my knowledge at some university when + after my retirement. With the pressure of the BSA (it really feels like it’s breathing down your neck, after the first time you fail) and both my company and my grades not reflecting the potential I couldn’t put in practice, because I was putting half time into both full time occupations. Since I wasn’t getting ready for the job market and giving lectures etc. was for when I’m a literal Graeyniss, so when I had to make one of my occupations full time, I chose for the one I was more passionate about. I like learning too, but more when it’s not in an unnecessary high pace (since I’m not getting ready for the job market [haha help me out of this office pls]) and when it is to put the knowledge into real practice instead of having to soak all of it in,  just to answer some questions. I do enjoy assignments, because they leave more room for creativity.

So I decided to quit my studies in December 2017, when the holidays started. I was sad about having to choose and a bit worried about my future,  because there’s always the chance that my company will never thrive. My father first said yes to doing business with me (I just needed an example of my work,  so that if someone would ask me what I could do for him/her, I could show a real life example,  instead of having to explain something that hasn’t really been done before), but later it turned out that he didn’t want to pay for it. Because he would be my first client – someone else also vanished when I mentioned pricing – I was going to make his website, do the SEO and make a strategy for him to put his other business aspects into practice. I seriously didn’t ask more than €600 for it, of which I had to invest most of it into “making the product” and not into getting myself OUT OF DEBT.

Okay and now I could start the rest about this fleh story about how I had this Cuddle Graeyniss perfect potential client, my parents boycotting that, me going missing and being interrogated over and over and over and over again, unfairly getting stuck into the psychiatric system,  secretly breaking out and going missing again, but not with a viral marketing campaign, initiated by my parents, completed by Dutch media, the second time, because the second time,  I planned my vanishing better. I just want to be away from them, because they negatively drive me crazy. That has been one of the key motivations to work 40hrs per week.

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I wrote something on the 7th, but it was so short and incomplete, I’ve deleted it. This is what I wrote on the 8th. The language used in this post might be considered offensive.

16:06 (04:06 PM)

Hey cuddle 😀

How are you today?

I’m happy today is my day off. Now I have time to think of my/our way out of this un-cuddleniss again.

00:39 (12:39 AM)

[To me, a new day starts after I have woken up. It’s actually Thursday right now, but it doesn’t feel like a new day yet.]

In between jogging, working on my mathematics and statistics assignments, mandatory socializing at home [I am actually very mad right now] and making a dessert, I have thought about our alternative and true form of freedom. Unfortunately,  there’s such a huge burden that is making it so hard to achieve this. It definitely isn’t impossible, but now I somehow need to be noticed by the audience and potential partners I want to have,  without having the network, money and diplomas to do this “the regular way”. That I don’t have these things,  does not mean that I can’t do what Graeynissis do. I want to be a Graeyniss, too,  my Graeyniss… (But I’m still an apprentice Graeyniss… There are some things I’d like to learn from you.)

If I would have had supportive parents,  I would have been far more confident, able, independent and flexible in the process of [everything] establishing a brand (L. F…)  and a network (D. Int…) that will allow us to positively change our lives. I need an investment to at least complete my marketing strategy. (But actually I also need patents, the funds to hire people and funds to buy (or “opspuiten”) land for us to live on.) My father could have easily given me at least enough to make my websites top ranked in Google (his top-ranked business website is: [fucking sucks] “His office” a.k.a. house is findable in Maps… He earns more than €10.000,- (or €10,000.-) per month from working for the government. (Since 2012.) [I have been his unregistered clerical  assistant.] On top of that,  he earns dividends from his ant-miners and other computers that generate bitcoins and he’s working on internationally selling real estate (since he can buy land in cash). Plus there’s the regular tax fraud as a form of income.  Meanwhile I have been struggling to pay my fucking health insurance.

Today,  I have had two conversations that have confirmed me being FUCKING DOOMED if I don’t find my Graeynissis FAST. My parents don’t want me to study full time next year. They don’t want me to study full time in the first place. They don’t want me to move to Milton Keynes (that is where I would move to, if my beloved university in Rotterdam declines my offer (or just ignores it¿ :[ )). There’s no way they would give me a cent to support my living there.  (For those who just tuned in) I’m a student at the Open University in Milton Keynes. (Today, when I looked at my statistics assignment for the first time, I found out I have to jave conducted an experiment growing mustard seeds on August 22nd. I ordered my seeds earlier today. Luckily I didn’t start with the assignment on the due date. I can’t stand that I HAVE TO work [JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS WANT ME TO “GIVE MEANING” TO MY LIFE. THIS MENTAL SLAVERY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING. They don’t see my potential :(. They believe life is working and don’t see how fucking unhappy I actually am right now. They DO NOT allow me to live here without bringing money in and do not want me to be inside the house too much. BUT I NEED TO WORK ON MY PROJECT SO THAT I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE], while I still need to do soo much for my final exams in September and the deadlines I have before this.)

I want to finish this writing by telling you how they’re making my entire future hang on a SATIN THREAD and how my mother practiced EXTORTION on me to get her relationship therapy in MY medical file, instead of those of anyone else in this household. She forced me to sign some health insurance papers [yeah, I’ll get the bills AGAIN]. They have forced me to go once (on Valentine’s day 🙁 ). Then I told them to close my file. They fucking didn’t. My parents still go and they have obligated me to go as well, but “THANK GOD I HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME”. She had THE NERVE to bring up WHAT SHE AND MY FATHER CAUSED, BUT HAVE BLAMED ME AND MY FORMER PROFESSOR FOR, AS ONE OF HER FUCKING WEAK ARGUMENTS TO MAKE ME SIGN PAPERS THAT SAY THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF THEM NEEDING THERAPY. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP MY RECORDS CLEAN. AND IT’S SOOOO NOT TRUEEEEEE!!!!!



In all of my videos, I try to show my true calmth, but on the inside, I’m screaming out of fear. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DOING WITH MY FUTURE?!!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

CUDDLE ME PLEASE :'[ (Mag ik ook een cishe?) That’s our only way out…

I can’t take this shit anymore. After my adventure of running away to the U. S., I thought they wouldn’t be able to weigh me down so much anymore,  but this is so much worse. I don’t even have time for myself anymore [these IDIOTS think that I have time for myself when I’m making a school assignment or when I’m still in bed at 11 pm because I went to bed at six in the morning.  Then they find it weird I don’t want to cook or clean my room (I postpone it)]. When I get paid at the end of the month I AM OUT OF HERE. If I would never see my parents again, I WOULD NOT GIVE A FUCK. WHAT’S THE POINT IF THEY MAKE ME FINDING HAPPINESS SO MUCH HARDER!? I DON’T LIKE WATCHING TV AND COMPLAINING ANHWAY. 

I don’t know where to go yet, though…

I have never signed something with so mucb reluctance. I do not need their therapy, and I am not going, so I shouldn’t be the one signing this. I wrote on the form that I find this extortion. Now they’re going to probably fucking start an argument about me making them look bad again.

I un-unpublished my articles “from the past”. I have “caps locked” this drama again anyway. But please don’t think I’m un-cuddle :[.

Online Diary

Monday, August 6, 2018

11:29 (AM)

Good morning  ! <3

How’s your morning?

I’m still in bed. I work from 13:30 until 22:00 today. (01:30 PM – 10:00 PM.)

In this country – and maybe elsewhere, too, but in a lot of the countries I visit, I’m not often among locals, so I wouldn’t know it (with certainty) – some people will judge you very easily for doing something that doesn’t fit into the over-used, over-appreciated chiselled version of yourself you “have to be”. Talking negatively about people who should be close to me, would be something a person like that could judge me for. I don’t like talking about people like that. Especially not on this website I consider my portfolio. But I have to, to explain to you why I have no other choice and we should cuddle.

If my situation weren’t like this [my parents are preventing me from accomplishing my life goals]

  1. We could just do business, without those people saying it’s more logical that I’m a schizophrenic, than that you would actually be interested in doing business with me. (I’m, unfortunately, speaking from past experience. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, because they didn’t believe I actually hung out with my former professor. (But I have e-mail evidence (I haven’t showed them in “the heat of the moment”).))
  2. We could just do business, without me not being allowed to go somewhere with you, because you’re not a family acquaintance. (Watching the news is driving some people crazy.)
  3. I wouldn’t be tired stressed out all of the time, because of my future and my finances. My parents want me to climb up in the company I work for. I want to expand my business(es?), but they’re afraid of the sole proprietor risk, so they have forbidden me to have my own business. I unsubscribed my PR business (but the website still exists…). This was one of the most emotional things I’ve ever had to do. There was so much love and passion invested in that company already. In June (or maybe before June) I registered a new business. I went from PR to publishing, but I’m still working towards the same goal. The businesses I want my sole proprietorship to grow out into isn’t summarizable into an already existent concept, so it doesn’t really matter as what my business starts. However, I think an alternative research publishing system is more “gat in de markt” than “alternative PR” (also because that is harder to describe).
  4. I wouldn’t be working 40 hours a week to earn about €1300, to end up investing that in my company (and pray my company thrives on it, while I still also somehow need to find a proper apartment for myself and I somehow need to meet my audience and potential partners), while there are SO MANY things I need to do for this company still… Now that I unpublished my paperback, ebooks and EP, I want to publish new ones and use that as (semi-)free marketing material, to expand my audience and save time explaining what the concept of my business is (because you’d just have example material). I also still have school deadlines throughout the summer. My final exams are in September, so basically after that I have the time to semi-fully focus on my business. (Semi because my new curriculum would start October 6.) 

    I actually hope some Graeyniss will notice me and wants to hope on this gamble train on its way to introducing a lot of truly new concepts into this world. 

    20:25 (08:25 PM)

    Now that I have a late shift, I have a bit more free time. I made the front page slider and added the Youtube video to the header of “Lil Fangs searching for Graeyniss”. 

    22:48 (10:48 PM)

    I finished working around 22:15. I feel like sky gazing. 

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, Augustus 4, 2018

    21:37 (09:37 PM)

    I’m sitting at the dinner table now. There was something I wanted to tell you earlier. It’s about the path I’m on and how our paths should intertwine. 

    *Insert distraction*

    Lil speed freak :D. I was allowed to keep my licence haha.

    So I had to be at work at 10 am. I want to tell you so much, but I can’t really focus right now. I think I’m gonna play the piano until my food is digested and go for a run. Then pass out to the power of two. 

    “To import another couch from Italy, or to invest in my daughter’s sole proprietorship?”

    Our paths should intertwine. Not only because together we can “delete” all negativity about human life. It is also because I am going to break down at some point and if you don’t notice me, I might never realize my dreams. 

    Online Diary, Recipes

    Back At It: Thursday, July 19, 2018

    16:27 (04:27 PM)

    Hey youuu

    I have missed you so much!!

    After my “mission” in the US, and me showing a very emotional side of myself on this blog, I told myself to not share my thoughts on this blog again. For the sake of attracting a larger audience and accomplishing my life goals (creating a new world, etc…). My thoughts are very “untraditional”… And I REALLY dislike defending myself against someone who solely intends to push their opinion, while not trying to even understand mine. I was afraid someone would verbally attack me for the way I express myself on this blog. But, as usual, there’s a lot of unspoken turbulence in my life and I need to express that somehow…

    Before I dive into the turbulence [I want to make clear I am not “un-cuddle” and what my thoughts are on my thoughts on certain parties, which I’ve expressed in older posts. If you’re going to read my older posts, reading the thoughts on my thoughts is a must read, to understand why “it happens”] I want to write down what I put in the pasta I made for lunch/dinner at work, I ate today (and yesterday…..).

    Tagliatelle, aubergines, tomatoes, union, stock block, saffron, turmeric, cinnamon + … (“Jonnie Boer kruidenmix”), creme fraîche.

    21:55 (09:55 PM)

    But of course I had to work in the meantime haha. My shift ends in 5 minutes.

    00:42 (AM)

    And now I’m in bed. I’m too tired to finish my stories now. Hopefully I’ll have some time tomorrow morning and in between clients, tomorrow afternoon/evening.

    Drafts, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts

    The Future of Mass Enlightenment

    The minds of many people in modernized societies are occupied with life in a professional environment, information disseminated by mass media and social media as an extension of their personal life. Within this type of reality of an individual, new concepts are introduced every day. New (sustainable) products, new online networks, new world news, et cetera. These concepts are only new in the sense that they are the latest variation of a conception that already exists. This makes me wonder: will we, in twenty years’ time, still be talking about that “new” type of smartphone, while the conception “smartphone” already exists? Will we forever be re-inventing the same things?

    My aspiration in life is to introduce a concept to enlighten the masses with, which cannot be broken down into an already existent idea. Of the many different ways I see to put this into practice, Project Nosce Te Ipsum has the largest potential audience and the most fun and diverse development process. It starts with an alternative, more accessible publishing system for scholars and will, in the end, unveil a completely new perception of life, for those who are interested in experiencing that. We need an alternative publishing system for scholars, to be able to experience truly futuristic concepts.


    Without education, we would not be where we are right now, as a society. Education has brought us common knowledge and the knowledge we need to fit in, in a professional environment. It has given the lives of many people purpose, who else would not know what to do with their time on Earth. Through the education system, very large amounts of people are prepared to work for a business and climb up within that same business environment. They spend what they have earned. So, indirectly, the education system is keeping the economy going.

    Even though education keeps society going, I do not believe it brings society forward. It is the ambition of an individual that familiarizes us with his or her newfound knowledge and allows us to evolve. This passion is incentivized by personal interest and would exist even without the existence of the education system.

    If this invention of either a mental or a physical concept could lead to a service or product being delivered to the masses, only then those who have gone through the education system could get involved in the process and seek for ways to keep the business going, while trying to make more profit and searching for more efficient production methods, like they are taught to. In this manner, education keeps society going, after the independent reasoning of an individual has brought us forward.

    The educator has a very honorable position within the process of societal development, but, by the masses, his or her position is, unfortunately, not celebrated as such. According to Bernays (1928, p. 121 – 122), not only is he or she not tasked with mass enlightenment, the public is also not very interested in the field of education. The educator is tasked with teaching a relatively small group of individuals the same accredited knowledge every individual is supposed to know, to obtain a certain diploma, degree or certificate. (For scholars, I like to consider teaching and doing research as separate fields, even though, for some people, they are part of the same professional life.)


    Bernays, E. L. (1928). Propaganda. 2nd Edition. New York: Horace Liveright.

    [This article is still being edited.]


    By Dominique Daniëlle Elia

















    Crib sheet

    (Hide page title)

    [Introduction: “basic intro” statements about social media and mass media, then  ]

    [Core: explore!! Confirm your own knowledge by learning from experience.]

    [Conclusion: ]

    This will be my original contribution to the Essay Writing Contest. (With a back-up on the web, I’ll never lose what I’ve written :D. But then will plagiarism become an issue?? Hmm… Then I won’t put it on my blog, I think. There’s a chance they won’t look at it if they see that it’s “100% plagiarism”, because I put it on the web… I could also put it in the e-mail I in which I send the essay, that if there’s plagiarism, it’s because it’s on my blog, because other than that there’s no way someone else has stated what I will state in this essay.)

    The maximum of words is 1500. I’m picking the topic “How Education Improves Society” and plan on stirring in my plans for “new research publishing” and “new PR”.

    I’ll be using “Bookman Old Style” on 12 points. Double-spaced. The deadline is the 31st of July.

    The thing I always struggle with is to not introduce too many topics and lose the essence of the point I want to make. So down here, I’ll just write down everything that comes to mind right now, and then later decide what I’ll make of it. I want to state that education is so good to society (even though I would personally prefer a different education system), it should be more “approachable” for your new knowledge to be shared. As in the “research publishing should be different” (more independent)… Now, we have been “building on” common/shared knowledge. This allows people to legally make a living. Education branding can inspire someone to also seek for new knowledge. I don’t want to state things as facts, but not be able to back up my fact. I think we have milked common knowledge enough. Now it’s time to focus on individual knowledge. You could use someone else’s knowledge to . Just like how the scientific theories on how the universe came into existence are built up. It all started with the perception of one person. That person’s theory was considered true. Other people started to build other theories upon that one theory, and now we have “The Big Bang Theory”, which is branded internationally. It defines the scope of life of so many people. How about everyone has to search for and confirm their own theories? Since the perception of the universe is unique to every individual. As a pupil in this new education system, you pick whose knowledge you use to get your own knowledge. When you’re done learning, you become a freelancer/sole proprietor/business owner (who hires freelancers/sole proprietors). This way of living incentivizes people to “stay more sharp”, in the sense that you have to actively keep trying to distinguish yourself and developing your business. This is different from having a permanent contract at whatever company.

    I need more text on how education improves society, but I actually disagree… Our current education system just gets people ready to become a slave until they retire… What would be better, I think, is to state how education could improve society. I mean, our current society isn’t bad, in the sense that there are lots of people who can live a life without having to struggle day in day out (but what is struggling if you don’t like your own lifestyle? Then literally everyone is struggling and there is a lot more to improve). I think society needs a certain type of improvement, and education is the only way to achieve it. So what would be better is to say “How education could improve society even more”. And then introduce my plans :D. (Because also I don’t really agree with education improving society right now. It’s ambitious people who improve society. They often do this with “new knowledge” they found themselves… (But I don’t have numbers on that.))

    Through education, mass education through mass media has been made possible. I want to talk about the public relations type of education. But before that could make me go off topic, let me state the type of improvment I [and you too, I hope] want to see. Should I not criticize the routine of life we’re forced into? Because I really don’t like it and I think I could offer a way better alternative…

    How do I go from “nothing” to explaining how we could create a new society within society, for those who

    Draft thesis statement: “Why the D.O.C.I.S. International online think tank is what will initiate education improving society more than ever before.” (But I was taught in Dutch you should sound confident, but in English you should humble yourself more. Also, the think tank only works when everyone cooperates, so it’s not that certain… I need a new thesis statement.)

    Concepts and statuses are fixed. They should be non-fixed and organized in a different way. (Bernays x2)

    To re-organize society, we need the S.I.P.O, because it allows us to oversee the influences of external parties, and learn our true common perception of life. With this, we’ll find an alternative to the actual fixed society we’re living in.  Some might not crave for this, but for those who do, there will be a project. For those who say “yes”, but consider this question a trick question.  Today, there are no educational pioneers. Only business leaders. (Care about status too much. Misused intelligence.)

    What is, then, the final goal of our development? I think this is something personal, not universal.

    Deleted paragraphs:

    “If from today onward, our society would not undergo any changes anymore, would you consider that a problem?” My hypothesis is that most people will answer this question with “yes”. In our globalized society, it is almost unthinkable to not be notified of developments anywhere in the world. By just reaching into your pocket, you could learn about sustainable growth in a third world country. By laying down on the couch while gazing in front of you, a reporter could inform you, he or she will say, “about the legislation of something large groups of modern minds have been pleading for, for a very long time”.

    Thesis statement: (something like) “Mass media and social media are the new pioneers in mass education. (Luckily) that won’t last forever. This will change when education becomes more oriented on the individual, instead of on the masses” (but then subtle)

    The introductory question is actually a trick question. The entire first paragraph is actually “een beroep op een bepaald sentiment dat iedere moderne propagandist toepast”. [find proper translation]

    Blog, Online Diary

    Zzzzz: Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    12:48 (PM)Hey sweetie,How are you today?It has been so long since I’ve written something to you. I miss you now more than ever. I barely have time to write :[. I wish we would not have to depend on “regular jobs” to maintain our lifestyle. Or that we would just work together. (I know you’re a very good writer……… *cishe*)I’m in Den Haag now, having lunch. I kept working at the beginning of the lunch break, so the group was already gone and I feel too awkward to go to the big cafetaria to search where they’re sitting. (I don’t have much to say so I ask a lot (too many?) questions.) So I decided to eat my rice and beans at one of the many coffee corners near the “classroom” we’re being trained in.

    Blog, Online Diary, Uncategorized

    Monday, June 25, 2018

    Rotterdam, 22:58 (10:28 PM)
    I just went for a run. (I accidentaly wrote “rum” and then backspaced it.) Tomorrow, I have a job interview in Den Haag and the deadline of my two websites (including their apps) is in two days. I haven’t had much time to write blog posts…

    Blog, Online Diary

    Sunday, June 17, 2018

    17:41 (05:41 PM)
    Hi Cuddle
    How’s your day?

    I’m going to cook right now, then do some website maintenance and work on my new free content, and go for a late night run. My mother went back home not so long ago.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, June 16, 2018

    17:58 (05:58 PM)
    Hey :]
    How’s your day?

    I’m having guests over in my apartment in Bad Boekelo right now.

    20:08 (08:08 PM)
    The pictures I made somehow cause an error in the articles I put them in – the articles from yesterday – so they’ll be pictureless. Unfortunately.

    21:04 (09:04 PM)
    I’m going to sleep early today. I decided to make my mathematics test tomorrow, so I need to be sharp for that. Doing that tomorrow will be the most efficient.

    I’d love to hear how your day was. Text me if you’re reading this. It will become a good morning text, though, because I am exhaustedddd. I’m going to try to improve my sleeping rhythm this week, starting today.

    Good night <3

    Blog, Online Diary

    Friday, June 15, 2018

    13:19 (01:19 PM)
    Hey sexy
    Cuddle me?

    I’m so “x_x” I’m still in bed. I’m cuddling my pillows, pretending that they’re not pillows, but it’s not really working for me, since they’re not kissing me back. (Am I lonely? “Nahhhh.”)

    I have so many things to do, but tonight my mother is coming here around 10 PM and she has invited her friend and her grandchild to come over tomorrow. (I don’t want any of them to come over, actually. I’m losing SO MUCH TIME, I’m not in the mood for more than 24 hours of smalltalk [after my trip to the US, I’m so less used to it, too] and I know they’re going to somehow talk about the “family problem” “I HAVE CAUSED” [I disagreeee!!!!!! But what’s the point of arguing for myself if everyone is on their side :[ ] which is SO UNCOMFORTABLE and unnecessary. I don’t know why it has to be brought up so many times. It can’t be “solved” anyway. I’m not going to let myself be yelled at or talked down on, so I’m not getting back in touch with anyone.

    I’m losing so much time with this visit, I’m in bed because I feel so scared of missing my deadline. I don’t want to have to share someone else’s bed again… I want my own bed. In my own very private place, where I choose who visits me (that would be only you).

    I wanted to cook for them. But my mother wants to eat out, so we’re going to eat out. First I tell her I can make a reservation here at the resort. Her reply was: “That’s fine, but isn’t there something else in the neighborhood?” So I send her some restaurants that are close by. She says: “That’s all very chic. I’d love to have a chic dinner with you, but it’s not very convenient right now, because “our friend” is bringing her grandchild.” Things like that can really trigger me. First of all, I don’t even want to eat out. Second of all, I’m not out to make you pay for something expensive. That’s nothing like me. (But mind you that “expensive” actually doesn’t even exist for her, if you look at how much money is coming in every month and how much is going out. Compared to “the maximum” of what I could ask. (I always pick the cheapest option, if they offer to give me something.) I also can’t help that there are only chic restaurants in the neighborhood. And I think that you should never take a child to any restaurant (unless it’s a “children’s restaurant”) anyway. That must be the most boring thing ever for him/her.

    On Wednesday evening, I made her dinner and a dessert. I thought it would be nice to eat at the table and drink some wine. But she preferred to sit in front of the TV. The same as she wanted, the next day, when I made her breakfast. It’s funny how my parents ALWAAAAAAAYS get their way. When I was a kid, we never went to the “children’s activities” I wanted to go to. We always did what my father wanted to do. Often something related with planes, because he wanted to become an army pilot.

    I keep feeling uncomfortable with venting to you in these posts, because I don’t want to bore you with this “drama” (I really don’t like drama). I don’t want to lose you as my reader…

    Okay, so I need to have breakfast, still…

    19:58 (07:58 PM)

    Here I am, waiting voor mijn “patatje mayo met een kaassouflé”, in the restaurant of the resort I’m staying at. This while last week, I was still living low-key, in Miami. The stroller in the back gives you an impression of the type of guests this resort has. I love it here. It’s so calm and the people here are so open and friendly. Yesterday, the bus driver dropped me off at the resort. My battery died when I was at the bus stop. Right before it died, I made a little road map in my notebook. But it was getting dark and it was a quite long walk, so I’m so glad he did! Also, as a black person who has been stigmatized incredibly often, I felt so good and trusted about that he gave me the box with ticket money to hold.

    02:22 (AM)
    I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull this off in one night, starting after dinner, but I did it:

    *image* [my phone keeps giving this error message when I try to upload it]

    I only have to link it to my website. Or the Docis International website… Hmmm…. I’ll sleep on that.

    Good night, my Cuddle
    I love you 😀
    (I’m doing this for some cuddles of you. Boii if I would see you wear a shirt that says “Meow…”… Meow…)


    Blog, Online Diary

    Thursday, June 14, 2018

    13:40 (01:40 PM)
    Heey :]
    How are youu?

    The train I got into just departed from Den Haag Centraal. I’m on my way to the final stop: Enschede. From there I’ll take the bus and then walk to the apartment. Around 18:02 (06:02 PM) I’ll be there. In the meantime, I’ll be working on Project Fangs: the official marketing campaign behind Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    15:46 (03:46 PM)
    “Haha” I noticed that my phone launched the camera out of nowhere sometimes. I just found out that my “squeeze force level” went from not even half way the bar to the maximum of the bar. So “shoutout” to the HTC U11 for giving me stronger hands :D. But still, why launch the camera when I’m not even touching my phone¿?¿ (Haha is it “haunted”? *Likes pictures from the 90’s out of nowhere*)

    Boii I just saw that the very last bus to the village near the resort goes at 18:22 (06:22 PM). My only option after that is a 2 hour walk. My train gets to Enschede at

    Instagram video (pre-marketed)
    Clips of the following songs

    Online heist: “Lil Fangs for Praesens”
    The introduction text of the introduction text of the introductory test
    Ben & Milkyas? The only ones involved with funds of D.O.C.I.S. International bought a Corporate Island. I think I’m just going to make this paragraph the text of both the introduction video

    [“Yo did you block me?” “I didn’t… I just needed to break contact with my parents. (And no one else, actually.)” Boiii if you knew the crises I’ve averted by going off the grid twice. Is it really that bad that you had to think about me

    21:59 (09:59 PM)
    I was in Rotterdam from about 11. I drove with my mother from Enschede to Rotterdam.

    After hearing church bells in the city centre [at first, I thought I was tripping big time, but then, I realized: in the Netherlands, it’s normal to see “the time on the wall”. It made me ferl like time haunts you in this fast 9-5 economic culture. As in: churches in the middle of the city. With big clocks on their towers. Do they ring the church bells in every city? Abroad as well? It’s already loud… Then there’s this “It’s the first Monday of the month” air alarm, which is also way too loud. (And think about people with trauma’s who can get very scared of the sounds of these things…)], while there was no church, I realized: I’m not made for living in a (“big”, crowded) city. There’s this “We all turn on the TV or play music when we’re alone because we’re scared blah blah” piece of “common knowledge” (ew) going around, but I know that doesn’t go for everyone. It doesn’t apply to me. I know it doesn’t apply to these graenissis and the older (educated) people here on the countryside as well.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Wednesday, June 13, 2018

    16:36 (04:36 PM)
    Good afternoon :]

    *cuddles you*

    I wish I could bring us together, in a non-mainstream way and in a non-mainstream setting. (If the cuddle were real, I wouldn’t have been able to make that last statement. I want real cuddles :[.)

    My next strategy for cuddling you is: finishing “the overview” I started a few days ago, PR branding myself and Nosce Te Ipsum (“the semi-mainstream way”) and making some free content (as part of the marketing campaign).

    I came up with making an animation video yesterday. That will be added to the list I showed you two days ago. I also came up with the deadline for preparing the campaign: June 25. Today, I’ll list the detailed steps of all aspects of the preparation of this campaign.

    How this could lead me to cuddling you? If you’d think this is “sharing with the mainstream proof” material [as in: you could say “I’m proud of sharing this and showing this side of myself” without having the feeling that you’re lying and being eaten alive by the masses], you could openly “hop on the private Nosce Te Ipsum train” (instructions you’ll see on the renewed website) and never feel alone in a “world” full of ?¿?¿?¿. In the meantime, we’ll be making big moves. “Big moves” as in: living a completely new lifestyle, which is incomparable to any other lifestyle [I’m talking about building a new corporate state, running it and designing the lifestyle full of relaxation that goes with it (yes, running something big and relaxation go hand-in-hand, because the organization routine is already made and we don’t work with people who like/cause chaos (sorry for saying “yes”… As if you’d think like that. The mainstream is getting to my head :[))]

    Blog, Online Diary

    Tuesday, June 12, 2018

    18:02 (06:02 PM)
    Good evening, sweetie
    How’s your day?

    I’m trying to oversee what my next next move should be. In a literal sense, I’m very thirsty, so the first thing I’m going to do next is buy some water. I’m “like, really thirsty”. [“Looking at my own blog like… Damm, you thirsty????????”]

    Hmm… I wrote “June 127″… I think that should be 7 days from June 25. [Referring to an aspect of the Nosce Te Ipsum storyline that is going to bridge the gap between a few storylines.] The day on which a lot of stuff is going to happen. If things go my way… On the way I try to make it play out. I have an appointment at the KVK office on the 25th.

    My mother is staying over at the appartment on Wednesday evening. I’m going to make breakfast for her.
    [I don’t want to live in Rotterdam, actually… Een tijdelijke woning in Enschede? Ja, dat is prima. Eerst huur ik een woning in Rotterdam. (Ik moet wel…) Dan start ik de Project Fangs marketing campagne. Samen met de productie van Nosce Te Ipsum Episode 0 [de online heist video: “Lil Fangs for Praesens” (selling snapbacks)]. That means I must be done with everything by June 25.

    Parody Look Alive by … & Drake ? (Make a voice sample.)

    [I’ll be making a new EP(isode).]

    Make an animation explaining what Nosce Te Ipsum is. A marketing campaign, based on “Lil Fangs for Praesens”.

    So you just read my thoughts in its actual pace. As in, that’s how I reason things out. Unnecessarily fast, because there’s a lot of information I have to keep in the back of my head, to oversee that the next move is the right move.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Monday, June 11, 2018

    11:27 (AM)
    Good morning, my Cuddle
    How was the rest of your morning?

    I’m sitting at the Starbucks in the center of Utrecht right now. Earlier, when I was having breakfast at the hotel, I saw that I “won” a shot at one of the houses in the Rotterdam housing lottery. It has two bedrooms – of which one will become my home office – and an open kitchen. The apartment building has an elevator and the total living space is 46.1 square meter. (That’s 496.2162 square feet.) I’m tenth on the list of potential renters…

    23:38 (11:38 PM)
    I’m on a tight schedule of strategizing and putting strategies into practice, so I haven’t really had time to finish this “overview” I was telling you about yesterday.
    I made another overview though, haha. Here’s what I’ll be doing the coming (two?) weeks:

    And this is what I’ll be doing tomorrow:

    Printing documents needed to be allowed to sign the “rental agreement” [I’ll only get the chance to sign if “lottery numbers one to nine” either don’t show up, aren’t available between 13:00 and 13:15 (01:00-01:15 PM) on Thursday or aren’t “in love” with the apartment. I think it’s really cool being able to have an office in a cheap apartment. “I’m so blessed with this opportunity.” (These things make me go crazy.) To truly “fall in love” with a home, though, I’d have to be in a different coutry, so for now, I’m taking all chances. That’s why I’m going to be there an hour early. (Especially because it takes 3 hours to travel from where I’m staying now, to “my home town”, Rotterdam, where I was born. (My parents’ house is five minutes walking from Rotterdam.) Now I’ll be staying/The apartment I’ll be visiting is in a completely different area, though. Very close to the Rotterdam airport (I’ve only visited once in my life, to go on a tour. Either with school or with my parents).)] I’m going to do tomorrow, so that I don’t necessarily have to leave the resort apartment I’m staying at right now. I “moved” from Utrecht to Bad Boekelo in Enschede today, thanks to my mom. I’m really happy she’s helping me out. I do not at all feel comfortable with the fact that I depend on anyone’s help right now, though. It keeps me from speaking my mind and makes me feel way smaller than I truly am. (I formulated the end of that sentence like that on purpose. I need to get my confidence up.)

    To come back to what I said about not being able to “fall in love” with a home here: it’s because the country doesn’t feel like home to me. Yeah, it’s over-propagandized to say: “My country over everything. I love it so much, and I’ll die for it,” and I used to do the same thing (in a lighter form) with Rotterdam, but I learnt that it’s more “following the custom” and “the feeling of having to fit in”, than that it is actual love. There are certain aspects in the national culture I just REALLY don’t like: the directness and the nosiness. Today, while I was walking “back” from Starbucks to the hotel I was staying at in Utrecht, when I was almost there, I walked a short part of the road on a “small” pavement (small for Dutch standards… In the US I had to walk over the road sometimes (with my suitcase ahahah) [I’m saying that because that fleh was just overreacting. Not because I want to “diss the US”.]), because Google Maps let me enter the road from that way and I was just following the paved roads. [This sounds like a story on the over 9000 level of shallowness, but it’s about the example of nosiness. Plus, this minus the example is a “regular story”, if you’d hear what hear when I’m around other people.] I took a picture of the road, after “it” happend:

    A bus driver stopped right next to me, to point at the other side of the road, to show that I was walking on the wrong side of the road. There were cars and other buses behind him… There were people in the bus… Now, if I’d say: “Just mind your own business. I know what I’m doing,” I’m the rude one. I just nodded “yes” and continued walking. I wanted to wait until I could see the traffic lights and approaching traffic properly, plus, there were bushes where I’d have to cross to reach the pavement, if I’d “take a hard left” after taking “the bus driver’s “advice””. There’s this conservative type of person in this country, who assumes black people “don’t know how things go around here” and they love to tell exactly the black people about it. I’m so used to it, but it’s so insulting. It’s the reason why I adapted my Dutch accent (and English accent) to a more “white sounding one”… I just want to “blend in” and not have that type of conversation. Ever (again)…
    So I told this to my mother, after she introduced the topic of “the neighbor’s girlfriend moved in with him” and we “discussed” this “extensively”. (I used to be able to “divert” topics like these smoothly into conversations about topics that do matter, but now my level of “I really don’t give a fuck” is so high internally, that I just say “Oh wow” and then ask a question (after so much mental pressure because how the fuck can you ask a question based on that) or I make some question-like sounding-statement (haha it sounds as vague as it is, but it “keeps the conversation going” [as long as we don’t talk about my “running away” again…]) I try to keep my mind focused on my path and my peace, but during such conversations and hearing her say: “god god god god dammit” after “other drivers drived fucked up(ly)” (late anticipation…), I can’t find my full conversation. It makes me feel so frustrated internally, but I don’t want to talk about it with anyone who enjoys smalltalk.) I told her the same bus driver story. She replied with: “Oh, hahahahahaha. He probably thought that you looked stupid and that’s why he said it.” I immediately got this feeling as if someone squeezed my heart. My heart beat semi-increased, I felt a lot of pain, had cold sweat, “suddenly”, et cetera. I’d never say something like that to her, unless she does something like it first, and I have to “shoot back” to decrease/indirectly vent my own pain. Later, when I spoke about how I want to decorate my apartment by making all furniture myself, with my low budget, she somehow dropped: “Yeah normally people start collecting things before they leave, or they save up for it. You have nothing. No collection of things (“uitzet”), no savings. Nothing. Hahahah. Yeah, you’ll just have to use camping chairs as dining chairs in the beginning phase.” Again, the painful feeling re-surfaced and I became silent again. For about an hour I only responded with “yes”, “no” or “wow” to the things she said. (“Wow” always applies. “There’s a new supermarket…” “Wow.”, “My tracking bracelet is logging my sleep correctly/incorrectly/very accurately/whatever…” “Wow.”) Yeah, it’s true I have nothing. But you don’t have to rub it in my face, laugh about it and think that it’s normal. But still, according to all of the Netherlands, I have a very loving mother. She just sent me a text that said: “Good night. I hope you can get used to living where you’re at right now and that you’ll be able to sleep in that foreign environment. <3" In that text I see a lot of false assumptions [I easily adapt and sleep more comfortable anywhere but at my parents' house] and no love. "But she sent a heart emoji, so it's love." I told myself I need to stop being so bothered by the only people I interact with, but I actually know I can only solve it by buying them out. For my sanity, for my peace of mind, for my "now you really can't talk back", for my most silent "I told you so" and for being with my true loved ones, I have to buy them out with money I've earned from using my talents. "I'm busy working forever." But I'll never come home saying: "Yippee I got a promotion." ("Now I'll definitely give up on my real dreams and grow old at that desk.") I'm the boss on a level so high I should have been in the shadows, but it's so "paradigma shifting" it has to have a face. [Sorry for my harsh (confronting...?..........) view on reality... I'm trying to solve this life's path though. (I will!) I try to limit these "I don't want to work for a boss" observations, but I need to get this off my chest, just like the feeling of annoyance I get from my environment. You're my "luisterend oor" (if you don't mind...) :]. (I'm saying that because I know A LOOOOT of people who say "Oh yes. You can talk to me bla bla I really want to hear it and be there for you etc etc etc," but start to judge me or change the topic to whatever they want to talk about, as soon as they get the chance.)]
    Meow :[. Another night without no cuddling.

    “The big checklist” will change this, though.

    Thank you for reading me <3. [Not "this", in this context.]
    I love you 😀

    Cuddle me

    Blog, Ex Animo, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

    Sunday, June 10, 2018

    20:18 (08:18 PM)
    Good evening <3
    How was your day?

    There are two topics I’ll elaborate on today. One sad, one “happy”. It’s “happy” because of the paradox I’ll mention in between the topics. Yesterday I mentioned the turbulence in my life, but I didn’t elaborate on it. That’s the sad part. The “happy” part is my struggling having a “finish line”. I often say “this is it”, but those points don’t have a “finish line”. Now I’ve finally been able to picture one. It requires A LOT of work, but it’s so worth it. I’m going to push myself to beyond my limits and achieve everything before June 25.

    The sad part
    Since December 2016 (or should I say December 2015…) my life has been turbulent. Every time I think the turbulence is about to end, it becomes worse. I can only pull some strings and hope they’re the right ones, when it comes to achieving my goals. It goes the same way for receiving love back.

    [Funny how how I’m writing this [I’m sitting at Loft 88. Table for one. My starter was nachos with cheese and everything. My main dish is fish & chips, because they don’t have a “fish of the day” today.] the “restaurant cat” [in every restaurant I’ve been at, the restaurant owned either a cat or a dog. One even had this “food bowl” for guest animals on the terrace] tried to snatch away my fish. I was literally saying: “Yo… Don’t do this… Please go away…” to him/her, while waving my hand a little. Of course he/she didn’t respond to that. So the woman sitting all the way on the other side of the terrace [there are not that many people here right now, especially not compared to Friday] walked up to me, saying: “Are you scared?” I replied “No,”, but that wasn’t entirely true. I’m afraid of how unpredictable this cat is. Is there an action of mine that could trigger this cat to scratch or fang me? I mean, I spotted him/her before, walking and “climbing” around. But I never expected to actually see [I wrote “expect” instead of “actually see” before, which actually applied to the reality of the situation more, but “actually see” sounds “more human” and less “to complain about”, so I picked “actually” after reading back the sentence a little. A little, because I don’t really have time to review my blog posts, because I write so much and do so many things on the side. All by myself…] him/her to jump onto the lounge sofa I was sitting on, basically planting its nose against the little bucket that had my fish & chips in it.
    She made this large clapping motion, using “all of the components of her arm” [normally, at least for me, when I clap, at for example some theatre show, at the max, I’m using my full “under arms” and might include some bicep movement, but she was using her full shoulders for this movement], while saying “HÉ, GA WEG.” (Thats: “Hey, go away”.) The cat jumped off the couch. “You should just use a little “URGHHH”,” she said, while making a bicep curl movement with one arm and putting this “using intense muscle power”-look on her face. Then she walked away. Exactly that is what my family said when my aunt’s guard dog tried to attack me. But I don’t have this type of expression in me, really. Not anymore. Not after I realized I don’t fit in and I shouldn’t want to fit in, because my target audience doesn’t exist in my environment. I’ll never truly fit in, here. Not as myself. I realized this around December 2016.]

    The life I’ve been striving for since day 1, is the life in which I bring a completely new concept to life on a very young age, and let my environment [from all my relatives, to my friends, to random people I meet on my path, with an interesting story] lift on my success, allowing them to achieve all of their life goals with so much ease. Whether it’s kick-starting their career, getting that one job or getting that one car/house/whatever.
    Some thing that kind of bothers me, is that I could have been doing these things I’ve been doing right now, at a much younger age (because this is not a “new talent” or whatever), and get a status that suits me assigned to my name. I’m “that very young very talented black female who made it on a very young age”. I feel bad about still having to struggle to “get there”, while I could have already “been there”. And every time I think: “After this decision/”release of work”, I’ll be internationally recognized, and the struggle will be over. Not only for me,” my mission gets sabotaged. Too bad that until last Friday, I’ve been dependent on other people. To summarize my dependency: for investments I depended on my father and for publicity I depended on my family and friends. They all don’t share. (Even though they all said they would, at first.) Only my mother shares. I’ve already spent too much text elaborating on how this sticks together in so many ways in both these diary posts and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, that I won’t go into this much more. In the end, it’s all just in my mind, because I don’t even see or talk to these people anymore (I don’t have them on my social media, including Whatsapp). I’m just very disappointed and am bothered by them saying: “Oh, you must be crazy and it’s not that bad, actually,” because I never said it directly to them [They say “it’s not that bad”, because “otherwise I would have told them directly”. But how about it was so bad I didn’t say anything about it, because I didn’t expect them to be so hurtful and actually find it normal. The masses find it normal to yell insults back and forth and then make up. I don’t find that normal. Do that to me once and I’m done with you, because I would never do that to you. Don’t pollute my mind with that hateful nonsense. Examples of things that were considered normal, but I didn’t find normal, but I didn’t respond to, are:

    1. My father “saying”: “You’re insane! But you’re lucky I’ve not given you “the Surinamese upbringing”, otherwise I would have been telling you you have shit in your head (but then using the Surinamese “catchphrase”).” *5 mins later* “You have shit in your head!!!!!! You have shit in your head! You have shit in your head!”; “You don’t know the system and will never be able to change it, because you don’t have enough working experience, common knowledge and people knowledge.” and “You’re a liar and a betrayer! You tried to steal money from your grandmother!!!” on one night. (Why the FUCK would I steal money? And especially why steal my grandmother’s?? I have all of my father’s online banking passwords (because I used to do his bookkeeping) and “even that” I haven’t touched… Not even when he “forgot” to transfer my allowance every month (because he didn’t want to make it automated “for some reason”).
    2. My “friend” walking up to me. I arrived a little late on this day we went to a museum with school. My “friends” were standing in a circle. He walked up to the middle of the circle, holding a chicken wing in his hand. “We all went to KFC this morning, but we didn’t invite you, because we knew you’d be late,” he said. I thought he saved one for me. He moved his arm as if he was going to give the piece of chicken to me. I adjusted my face to it, expressing “Oh, what a surprise! How nice of you!” Even though I already felt “stabbed in the heart” after hearing that they had such bad expectations of me and did something “fun” without me. Then he put the piece of chicken in his mouth, saying: “Oh boy, it’s sooooo gooood,” and everyone in that group started to laugh. The rest of the day, I spent with a different group of friends. (I was late because I was putting booze in a plastic bottle at the last minute. Had to wait until my parents went to work.)
    3. My ex-boyfriend (who then was still my boyfriend) finding it weird that I stopped sharing my feelings with him, after:
      • Me: “I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really don’t like sleeping alone. May I sleep over at your place?”
      • Him: “No.” [Thinking back at this: who the fuck says no to having a shot at sex? Who the fuck says no to being cuddled to sleep? Why the fuck do you say no without an explanation? Who the fuck lacks so much empathy to still let me sleep alone? (Everyone in my environment. He isn’t the only one who I’ve told this. But I stopped asking, because I don’t want to be touched by people who are so cold.) Why the fuck was I feeling lonely from the beginning of the relationship? (Because it sucked.)]
      • Me: “Why?”
      • Him: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”
        • (But later sleeping over at each other’s houses suddenly became a habit. And he kept sending me messages about him missing me and shit. I guess my Cuddle is just that good.) Or this one:
      • Me: “:p is an emoji I used to use when I was on MSN.”
      • Him: “What is MSN?”
      • Me: “Huh? Haven’t you used MSN? It was so popular!! It’s a messaging service. Basically Whatsapp for computers only.”
      • Him: “What does MSN stand for?”
      • Me: “I don’t know.”
      • Him: “Oh my god, you’re so retarded. How can you not know what the abbreviation stands for, while you have been using it all the time?”
      • Me: “It stands for Microsoft Network. I just Googled it.”
        • As if he knows what ING stands for… Or “dot com”… Don’t Google it now that I said it. Fucking hypocrite. (I still want my notebook back, though… Don’t burn it or use it as rolling papers, please.)

    Now to them, it’s normal to be so hurtful and then expect me to get over it. I might have done things back, after I thought they really crossed the line, but they reach limits my heart just can’t copy. For those who just tuned in: this is what I consider beyond hurtful. I just gave these examples for those who haven’t read previous posts and Nosce Te Ipsum, Book I, Episode 1. From now on, I’ll heavily reduce mentioning these painful things. I’ll only mention it, when I have another fucked up day, after having to meet the flehs again and having to see “the counsellor”], but it surfaced [they found out through snitching] after “I got snitched and was stuck in the system” (I’m talking about “unjustified psychiatry”, not prison. But I think it feels the same way). [Had to think of this: I told this psychiatrist I felt hurt because another friend called me a pussy for having tried to commit suicide, and she replied that I shouldn’t feel like that, because by calling me a pussy, “he’s actually saying he cares”. Fuck off. With “I care” you say you care. Okay, I hope that was the last “flashback haunting me”.]

    It’s 00:49 (12:49 AM) already. I’ve written the rest of the story structure already, but I’m going to go to sleep. “Going to bed early” is one of the things I’ll be working on in these beast mode weeks. Just like finishing this explanation is one of my last extensive updates, until I have backed up all of my work and renewed my websites. Anything before 02:00 (AM) is “going to sleep earlier”. My goal is a 0900 – 2300 rhythm (0900 AM – 1100 PM). I’m building it up slowly. 2300 – 0000 (11 PM – 12 AM) will be for my pre-sleeping routine (dancing, meditating, cuddling…). More about this in a coming NTI episode!

    I’m leaving the rest of the structure as I made it, even though I’ll be continuing in a new episode. (I wrote a large part on my laptop this time. It feels like using my laptop I write a lot less words per minute…)

    Good night, my love <3


    The Paradox
    Haha ojoooo

    The “happy” part
    01:47 (AM)
    So I just made an account on Spreadshirt. Initiating my clothing line from there will be soooooo much cheaper and more large-scale proof than screen printing the shirts myself. With the shirts (and other types of clothing) pre-printed, it’s easier and cheaper for me to add hand-made prints with beads on them. Today’s Jan Taminiau exhibition was so inspiring!!! (And I rarely have other people inspiring me!!!)

    Here are some pictures:

    04:44 (AM)
    Ahahahahah I just had the most genius idea for self-marketing. You see, people only engage in projects when they seem popular. Popularity basically equals trustworthiness. It’s, these days, hardly possible to start a project “completely from scratch”, having 0 followers. No matter how awesome your project is. You either already have all of the popularity and start a new project, to which your audience immediately contributes/which your audience immediately supports, or you have a little bit of popularity and get a marketing/PR team who invests (time-wise as well as financially) in your project. If you have money, you could also hire a team. I can’t do any of this… But I know something that’s going to give the impression of already being very succesful with my project: I’m going to write two Wikipedia pages: one for myself and one for Project Nosce Te Ipsum. After that, I’m going to spend a little on Google Adwords (to make my page top-ranked when you search my name) and a little on Instagram marketing. I already have more than 1500 followers on Instagram and more than 900 followers on Twitter. But these followers are “un-targeted”. (Targeting them is more expensive, but as soon as I get to Bad Boekelo, I’ll have some “investment funds” (not more than €150 for sure ahahahaha) available. After/before/during the instagram campaign, I’ll target about 100 people. That’s enough to start with, for sure).

    I’m too excited to sleep, but I’m still going to try it again…

    Slaap lekker <3

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, June 9, 2018

    04:29 (AM)
    Hi Cuddle <3 What do you think of when you can't sleep? Can you list the topics in fixed categories? (I'm asking this for NTI purposes... The second question is a yes/no one. I'd also like to know why your answer is yes/no.)
    Normally I start “a new blog day” after I’ve woken up, but I haven’t been able to sleep this night. This is such a turbulent moment in my life. (Or should I say: my life has been so turbulent since last year and it just keeps escalating… Every time I think it can’t get worse, it gets worse.)

    I miss being in The States so much…
    I’m going to try to sleep again. Then I’ll tell you about the escalation tomorrow. If I have a moment for it… I don’t really have moments to myself now. And I don’t like being on my phone, when I’m with someone else (in public). It makes me feel uncomfortable while writing…

    21:51 (09:51 PM)

    I have a few minutes to write something. We’re at resraurant Het Zuiden in Utrecht now. My mother and I. The food here was sooo nice!! And the host/waiter is so cute haha. I’m waiting for my mother to come back so that we can head over to the car. I’m really tired after more than 50 km (31 miles) of cycling [I haven’t cycled since I “lost” my bike exactly one year ago]. Boii my butt hurts so much from it ahahaha. Nahh but seriously, it must be bruised or something, because every leg movement hurts. It was worth it, though! I want to get back in shape before the astronomical start of the summer. I’ll succeed in doing this!! If my temporary place in Enschede has a gym……. Otherwise, still, I’ll make some changes. But I want to be chiseled!!! My confidence and “feeling-of-self” need this…

    Blog, Online Diary

    Friday, June 8, 2018

    22:35 (11:35 PM)
    Alles goed?
    (I’ll leave the translation up to your imagination this time. #elchallenge #I’mchallengingyou #pleasedon’tcomplainaboutthisnon-basicness)

    Blog, Online Diary

    On My Way: Wednesday, June 6, 2018

    11:36 (AM)
    Good morning <3 How was your night?
    I thought I snoozed my 08:40 (AM) alarm, but apparently I canceled it. Woke up at 09:50 (AM), still very tired, so I kept on snoozing my alarm until 10:30 (AM). I still had to get ready and [I already showered in the evening. The original plan was to still shower again, but I didn’t have time for that, since I still had to] pack and do the dishes. Apparently doing the dishes isn’t mandatory.

    While packing, I got a call from the front desk, with a reminder that check out is at 11. Then, it was 10:45 (AM). I still took the time to brush my teeth, semi-conceal the bags underneath my eyes and accentuate my eyebrows. Plus, I scraped the cheese that got stuck to the frying pan off the frying pan. I let it soak overnight, so that it came off easily. I was at the reception at 11:20 (AM).

    13:29 (01:29 PM)
    I’m at the Miami-Dade public library now. Ahahaha it’s quite funny that I haven’t visited the beach here, but I have visited the library. I come off more nerdy than I am. (The beach has too many people (tourists) to be able to fully relax anyway, if you’d ask me if I like popular beaches.)

    I’m going to work on my scheme for funding my start-up and the backbone of episode 0. I’m making the backbone now, so that I know what I need to write in my “business application form” as a summary of all business activities… I always want to tell people what my project is as fast as possible. But all aspects of it are so new, I just really need a longer time to explain, if I want to make it very clear.

    18:07 (06:07 PM)
    I’m about to drop off my bag for my Aer Lingus flight to Amsterdam, with a transfer in Dublin.

    19:20 (07:20 PM)
    Now I’m sitting at the gate. I just had an overpriced tuna sandwich and saw a large crowd of people be mad at the airport staff. I guess their flight is canceled. I’m not sure why they were mad, because they were screaming in Spanish, but it’s not like the staff can change anything about it… They’re just following the policy they’re taught to follow. There were even a few cops here to try to calm the raging crowd down. People were filming it…

    Ah, anyway, at the library, I signed up for an appointment to register my sole proprietor business. It’s on the 22nd of June (my payday, so that I’m sure I’ll be able to pay the fee). I also made the structure and the beginning of the “prologue” of Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 0. My free episode. On top of that, I listed some tasks for the coming weeks, I checked in or my flight, checked how many Expedia points I have after so many different hotels in these two weeks here (the longest I’ve stayed in the same hotel here is three days… But still… Zero points!?!!??! Fleh) and, of course, I wrote this little 13:29 piece.

    I’m calling the little process of the foundation of my sole proprietorship “Project Fang”. I’m going to list its aspects and then come back to you.

    21:01 (09:01 PM)
    Aiight so I’m very happy about what my mom has planned for me and moving out. I’m only freaking out about seeing my father again. If I’ll see him again… I don’t even know, because I won’t be staying at home. I’m afraid he’ll continue with his rampage he started in the text message he sent me, when I left them the letter on how I’ve actually been feeling for a long time, on the day I left. I’m in the air as I’m writing this, so I can’t search the link right now. (And since I write so much, there’s a chance I won’t find this back.) But it was the May 25 post, if I’m correct. When he thought B was some psychotic idea and not an actual person, he was very verbally and physically hurtful as well. I wouldn’t mind not seeing him ever again at all. Only with my mother, things are different. There are so many things I know we’re both aware of, but have never talked about. According to her words, we must be feeling the same way.

    Until Monday, I’ll be staying in Utrecht with her. She booked us a room. That’s so sweet of her. After that, I’ll be staying in a temporary apartment, until I “win the housing lottery” and get my own apartment. In the Netherlands (or at least in Rotterdam), for renting houses, they work with a lottery system. You pay a fee to get access to the online portal that facilitates the “lottery”, you select the houses you like and get a response when you’ve been randomly selected. My mom had spontaneously signed me up after we got in touch again.

    I have a statistics test on Wednesday and I’ll be in Utrecht, chilling with my mother, until Monday, so I won’t be working on Fangs that much. For some reason that causes a little tension in me. Not being able to work… (And that while people in my environment always call me “the lazy one”. That’s just because my focus on my own projects is greather than my focus on regular things. I never told them about what actually keeps me occupied. What’s the point, if they’re not doing something similar… Yeah, they might have seen it on TV, and that’s why they give opposing advice as if they’re experts, but I can’t take it. I put way more thought in my actions than they know and than I mention. I never made any homework exercises, and if I’d suddenly get chores around the time I have tests, my grades would suffer, because I always oriented myself on the study material about one to two weeks before the test. I basically had to ask myself: “So what have we actually been doing these eight weeks?” That doesn’t mean that I didn’t ask questions during class and make notes. I was also able to answer my teacher’s questions, still. I just needed to study how to back up my answers. They might think I’m lazy and stupid, but I still graduated from the highest level of high school education in the Netherlands, so… I was also often late at school or at appointments with friends (but never late at work), because I actually really really didn’t want to go, and this was one of the factors making me wake up tired and feeling stuck to my bed like a magnet. I cared about my social status, though. That’s why I always showed up, stayed a virgin until finding “the one” (boii………. I was 19 and impatient, so I have the label “husband to be” away way too easy…) and focused on being friendly always (unless people really crossed the line) and being a good shoulder to lean on. If you’re not telling these people you’re doing it consciously (something I never did), that’s how you become a taken for granted pushover. You go the extra mile for them, while they start insulting and judging you as soon as they get the chance.)

    Not being able to work causes tension, because I need the “end product” to finally take days off. Or to be able to have an off day, on which I don’t think about it the whole day. I only know if my end product is a right end product, when it’s out.

    Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

    “Fangs”: Tuesday, June 5, 2018

    22:06 (10:06 PM)
    Hi Cuddle
    What did you have for dinner today?

    Another nice day has passed. I had breakfast around nine. I had a bagel, of which I put strawberry jam on one side and apple jam on the other. Actually, I wanted to have strawberry jam on both. (But I really don’t like asking for things…) (I didn’t put both bagel sides on top of each other, haha. I ate them separately.) And I had some oatmeal with cinnamon and something else.

    After that, I wanted to go back to my room to take a nap. Yesterday, when I wanted to extend my stay, the girl (with such cute fangs) at the reception told me the policy is to wait until the day itself. So today, I went to the reception to extend my stay. I decided to not transfer the remaining amount on my debit card to my prepaid credit card, because it might not be transferred at the moment I need it. (It takes about 24 hours and I heard that I was going to fly home on Wednesday, on Monday. So the chance that, if I’d transfer the amount of an extended room to my prepaid card on Monday afernoon, the amount would be on my card by Tuesday morning, was way too small.) It was better to just leave it on my debit account and pay for the room in cash, like I did in previous hotels.

    Apparently this hotel doesn’t accept cash. My mother’s credit card was expired, and booking for the room via iDeal (that’s basically the Dutch paypal for debit accounts), wasn’t accepted here, because I needed the card to confirm the booking. My mother solved it, though (I definitely have this “fast pace problem solving skill” from her), by using my father’s card to book it via Expedia. <3!
    I didn’t take the nap I wanted to take (since I went to sleep around three and had to get up for breakfast around eight), because I was busy with my mom and I was a little bit worried about having to travel again with this suitcase that has a broken back wheel and then having to pay for a restaurant again, because I probably wouldn’t get a room with a kitchen again, and then hope the other hotel does accept cash, et cetera. I had to fix the reservation extention issue before twelve. After going down the elevator a second time, to see if it worked out, and it did, the guy at the reception asked me to write a very good review in which I mention him, because everything worked out well. And I did. Here’s my review: I added the part about the cute fangs girl just before I posted the link. I think it’s very fair mentioning her, too. Too bad I’m not sure about what her name is.

    … I had dinner and jasmine tea (from Paris, haha (that was from around the time I started this blog)) for lunch. After that, I went to the pool. I basically spent the day “baantjes trekkend” [Dutch for swimming back and forth across the length of the pool, but literally translated, it’s “pulling little rows”] and working on my start-up business for Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’ve written down all factors I had to take into consideration, from start to finish (of the “start-up phase”), from the order in which I need to do things, to finances.

    So, yesterday I mentioned that yesterday was a new starting point and that my future looks so much brighter, and that I was going to tell you why. Here’s why: it’s because yesterday I came up with the idea to secretly start another business. Secretly in the sense that my parents [or at least my father… My mother tends to just agree with what he says, because, when they’ve made a “parental decision”, they tend to bring the news as one body that has reached a consensus] don’t want me to do business, so I won’t tell them about it. They’re scared the Dutch Tax Agency comes empty the house because of “my lousy bookkeeping”/me being behind on tax bills/me not filing my tax reports. Fam… If that ever happens, the Belastingdienst (Dutch Tax Agency) or FIOD (Dutch Fraud Police) barging in the house, it’s because my father has been committing fraud since the day he started his business… Or even before he started it, if the expenses from then were “the costs to start the business” (“actually known as” family dinners and takeout eaten while watching Family Guy).

    But I’ll be moving out, so the address of the business will be my home address (omgg I’m gonna have a home addresssss :DDDDD). In my home, no one will ask me questions about what I’m doing, with the intention of stopping me from doing it. (I don’t think my mother would actually want to stop me. It’s because my father says she’s too helpful and not strict. And now, “because I failed”, everything is her fault.)

    The business will cover all components of the multinational holding that will thrive from Project Nosce Te Ipsum, in its “baby form”. It’s a quite bulletproof strategy. I’ll now sell items that also attract the mainstream. I have to be able to keep the attention of everyone, and “the leading party now” is “the mainstream” [the hardest party when it comes to keeping someone’s concentration, so I have to do something simple], whose attention I need to start a trend, in which I claim the non-mainstream, who are actually leading the mainstream (I’m talking about musicians, professors and founders of “truly new concepted” businesses, plus individuals who are living creatively out of this “business is life and judge whoever is not in it”-flehniss [“niss” is a Cuddle dialect ending of an English word (I just thought of adding “fleh” to the Urban Dictionary, just like “Liée”)]), but are being pushed around, because they don’t have the primate and thus have a lot of reasons to get judged unnecessarily easily. [I’m going to tell you something about the way I construct sentences at the end of this post.] I mean the “academici” (academia/academics) who focus on getting enlightening insights into this universe, by the way. Not those who are just out to make a name. They can keep doing weird shit for attention. The fuck… STAY AWAY from my project!!! Why does someone want to know the exact number of dead babies/children (in a “developing country”)? EVERY YEAR!?! AND THEN MAKE A TREND??!!? Ew… How does an idea like that come to life¿?¿? They often don’t even do it alone… [Maybe it’s a country with a different culture that now suddenly feels it has to “Westernize” because they’re called “developing” in the world of globalization(?), by the way. Yes, everyone needs water, but not everyone needs a Facebook account… (So I’m saying things like internet access and being able to celebrate your child’s birthday at McDonalds doesn’t say anything about the wealth of a country. What needs to get fixed is the access to basic facilities. For that, D.O.C.I.S. International doesn’t need a government. We can solve this. Globally.)] Fucking creep. It’s already bad that it happens. Why do you want to dig into the numbers…? Invest that time [and those HUGE funds TO JUST LOOK INTO SOME FUCKING EXCEL FILES FROM HOSPITALS… (and then still blow up the numbers, huh?) It’s just dropping by, phoning, or [the most “business” thing of this age [“omg I have so many of them”, “even on a holiday, I just HAVE to check it”, “you never guess who responded to my message”, “I use it for procrastination”, “blah blah blah”]:] e-mailing all hospitals/funeral centers/graveyards in a country. You really don’t need years, entire armies of scientists and millions of dollars for that…] in finding a proper solution to it… You’re using it to say: “This is “Wakambe”. (*insert very traditional sounding name*) Wakambe eats three grains of rice a day. Help him eat four grains of rice a day, by donating just $4 a week,” and then fill your own pockets… With all those charity projects, the world could have looked so much different already… (Especially with those European/western food surpluses… Just give it away?)

    [In case you wonder why I’m not even going to bother getting a PhD, etc.: it already takes “half your life span” getting the titles, and then you have to “fight for your life” to get a little bit of attention for the months (years?) of work you put in. And then “the winner’s prize” – when it comes to attention – goes to those who research chaos, destruction and (increasing) profits(!!!), instead of those who focus on prosperity (or just the beautiful wonders of the surface we walk on and everything above and below it). Maybe Nosce Te Ipsum would get noticed a tiny bit, when I’m way dead and my great great gread grandchild decides to dig into who I was or someone opens some “history capsule” with my notebooks in it. If you feel stuck in that world: no worries!!! I’ll have a much better alternative for you, during and after Project Nosce Te Ipsum :D. (That’s also why Project Nosce Te Ipsum is a fully independent research project (I wouldn’t even accept funding from those creepy profit hungry parties), by the way.) Also: cuddle me :D, because I find having dregrees and feeling slight frustration about wanting to get your passionately done research put on a pedestal very sexy. Hehe.]

    Fact: one of the main reasons I started this independent research project is to get Cuddles. I’m very easily attracted to a certain type of personality. But in my environment, that type of personality [100% passion, true ambition [= seeing true potential (in yourself)] and love, plus not saying “eww omg ughh” to having to use your brain(s) [the #1 reason for me cringing. I find that “pussy mentality” “ew” (just like saying “pussy”?)]] is a rare find.

    So for the coming weeks (I can do this in less than a month), I’ll be making a summer clothing collection (all made by my own hands), turning my websites into official online businesses ( will become the Project Nosce Te Ipsum portal and will become the “online start-up” with the summer collection, my blog and a separate section on EVERYTHING you need to know about Project Nosce Te Ipsum), writing episode 0 (a free episode), writing episode 3, making cooking videos, making an intro and outro for my youtube channel and making an online diary “series” on the process of this start-up and project. For the summer collection, I’ll be “screen printing” my shirts by hand. In that way, I can make unique designs (excuse my French, but 90% of today’s t-shirt prints suck because they’re way too similar).

    My sole proprietor business will be called “Fangs”. I came up with the name as I was writing my “to do list”.

    Why this will work? I’m going to buy followers and views/likes, which will make my work seem popular. Those who stumble upon my page will consider me a more trustworthy and succesful source. (My followers/following is so low right now, my accounts seem like spam accounts…) Even though I am, of course, a very driven and trustworthy source, I guess I need to “buy the status” and have a fake one, before it becomes real. Also, maybe then you, as low-key reader of my blog, who isn’t allowed to associate with “spam accounts”, would suddenly be able to cuddle me whenever? And also, I’ll finally be a “sole proprietor” again. When people ask me what I do, I finally have a proper answer. In fact, I’m back at the same level as I was when I was studying at Erasmus University, but now I don’t have to go to mandatory classes. (I really don’t like obligations like that. Just say “here are your books and on these dates are your tests”. Stop “pampering me”. (Baby context.))

    When I buy these followers and “engagement” (likes/views), I need to have them on all my accounts, by the way. Otherwise it won’t seem realistic, haha. “1000 Instagram followers, 50 Twitter followers, 0 subscribers and 20 views on Youtube, no Soundcloud plays other than those of myself….” Ahahahahaha.

    I first thought of keeping it to myself. But then I realized, by the time those who don’t know if they want to work with me, reach this post, it won’t matter anyway. Either that person is too judgmental to even participate, or that person is open minded enough to see that even without real followers, I’m still good at what I do. First I thought: “Man, I should have never deleted my accounts, now people will not want to follow me.” But since I can buy 1000 followers for $7 (or less…(?)), that problem is solved. My previous followers (“my friends”) weren’t truly interested in my material anyway. (In the sense that, when I ask them what they’ve done on a free day, it’s: “Watching Netflix all day. I’m so tired et cetera et cetera,” and then later they’re giving me “life advice” because they believe I’m crazy and I need their “just stop it, just don’t think about it, just let it go, just give up” demotivating words to make me feel better.) No, thanks. I’d rather invest in getting an audience (not even necessarily someone to cuddle with, but just someone who enjoys to keep up with my work). Also, it makes a very “wow you have fans”-impression, that I’m following only less than 200 accounts and more than 1000 followers. Call it Fangyism. I never followed a marketing class.

    On my sentence structure: I’ve decided to, to make it easier to read for you, use “square brackets” for my in-text comments. Either when they should not be on the foreground, but I still want to mention them, or the comment is in the middle of a sentence. For my end-of-sentence comments, I’m still using normal brackets. To those who are anti long sentences: fleh. From a very young age, I used to get compliments on my writing skills. This stopped when I was in high school. Then it became: “boohoo your sentences are too long.” (And since Nosce Te Ipsum, they have become twice as long.) I like challenging my reader with complex sentences. The only reason people want short sentences is because they’re (believing that they’re) dumb. I’m against over-appreciating simplicity. One of the few things I actually have an opinion on. (There are so many things I don’t give enough fucks about, to form an opinion on/about/over. (Like mis-used grammar. Ugh. As long as the message is clear… Or “Woaah beef between Pusha T and Drake”. Oh my goddddd. Why do people care so much??? What is the “good” in it? Why the fuck do you want to know the details? Why do you list them? You’ve listed them and picked a side. And now what…? Exactly. On to the next one… Nahhh man. When I was 13, I used to dig into that kind of stuff, because I wanted to fit in. (And I did.) Now I see grey haired men do the same thing for a living… Was it a business “back” then, too?)

    So I make long sentences, because I consider it an art form. It’s also a taboo, but not to everyone. (I actually started to make long compound sentences, to save time. Can you imagine what Nosce Te Ipsum’s first episode would look like, if I would drastically decrease my amount of compound sentences? Or this post? For episode 0, I do plan on “not saving time” and describing things very clearly, and thus make less long sentences, but I’ll never hide my skill. I want to be the *insert Greek/Roman author name here* of this age. I want, later, in schools, the youth to be scrutinizing Nosce Te Ipsum, with a teacher asking questions like: “Why did Lil Fangs put the comma in this part of the sentence?” I’ve over-thought every single detail. It’s all planned out. (Okay, except the sentences I started, but then I started to write another part of the story that comes after it, before I’ve finished the sentence [the rest of the paragraph], and the other part of the story becomes so long that I either forget about or can’t find the sentence. But I won’t change it, because it’s part of my art. If you want perfectly boring short sentences on another story or “informative lifestyle book” about work life, you’re reading the wrong thing.)

    Okay… I wanted to go to sleep “early”, but I also wanted to tell you this, and I know tomorrow I’ll want to tell you a lot of other things as well. I don’t want “work” to stack up. (02:23 (AM)…) [Also, YES, I use “, and”. Never when I list only two things(, though!). It’s for pronounciation and oversight reasons. And when it comes to punctiation, I’m breaking hella rules too. I like it that way. I do it consciously. I know EXACTLY what rules I break. (Dumb flehs telling me I’m a bad writer or telling me I don’t possess a language, for breaking “style rules”……. I stopped using formal language when talking to my professor(s) in an “after class” [“oh boohoo, it’s “lecture”] setting…)]

    Good night, my cuddle
    I love you so much

    PS: I can’t find the part where I mentioned what the length of my lines would be, if I would make less compound sentences [the editor I’m using doesn’t have a ctrl + f (find) function. I say ctrl + f, because that’s what I thought, but I’m actually using my phone to write this. (It also doesn’t have spelling and grammar check. And I don’t want “Grammarly” (I keep coming across this ad…)…))]. But: “If I would write non-compound sentences, the book would have been at least three times as thick and it would have taken three times as much time to write it. That was time I didn’t have, at that time. For episode 0, “I’ll go less compound”, because it will be the “paradepaardje” [*opens “” for a proper translation* (I need example sentences for the context. Google Translate doesn’t have that…)… So I always go to “mijnwoordenboek” [= “mydictionary” (but “yourdictionary” is my fave English online dictionary, by the way… Boiii I have spent DAYS reading example sentences for improving my writing and because it’s better than most books that are released today, when it comes to content and style of writing… I don’t know who has written/selected those, but that person/those people is/are most def my #1 author of all time… After him/her/them, a long list of authors from Antiquity follows…(*drops mic*))] via Google, because that saves typing and waiting for the page to load (most of all). I usually end up on mijnwoordenboek, but this time, I didn’t need a context [of course, the word is so unique and thus already context-specific], Google already showed only one translation and mijnwoordenboek didn’t even have the word in it. It’s)] (showpiece) of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and shallow judgmental people who don’t like using their brains because they’re dumb, need to know they should shut the fuck up and keep their hands off my project… They won’t read this… Unless someone “leaks it” saying “ooooh Lil Fangs is bad and dangerous”. HA! YES! To their corrupt, creepy, disgusting, unnecessarily powerful position, I am!!!

    Damn. It’s 02:36 (AM) now.
    Okay, now it’s 02:54 (AM). This is what I meant by starting a new paragraph without having finished the previous one. I did finish all of the last paragraph, I think. (Looking back takes too much time…) [Wow. That should be a quote. “Looking back takes too much time.” – Lil Fangs. I SAID IT FIRSTTT! For sureeee. [Since “not putting way too much effort in adjusting your work until it fits the same boring standard as everything else ever published” is “bad”… Bad Fangs… *puts hand in front of mouth and looks fake surprised/guilty*] Looking back in time, thinking about past(-)time, is wasted time, because you want to move and are focused on moving forward.] So I wanted to say something about the time… Yeah, my alarm goes off at 08:40. Luckily I can sleep on the plane (if I finish making my daily/weekly schedule for starting “Fangs”, at the library I’m going to tomorrow, after having checked out).

    I’m going to send this update to Jean, and then catch some Z’s. [By not using “, and” when listing two things, I mean, I don’t say: “These are apples, and pears.” This “, and” was a “pronunciation reason”… It’s “pronunciation” and not “pronounciation” isn’t it…?]

    (03:06 (AM))

    PPS: *yesterday’s reason number 2* (I don’t remember how I formulated it, but I haven’t explained all of it yet, acually)… Oh, yes, I remember: my future looks brighter than ever, because I now see the moment I can truly “sit back and relax”, and watch the numbers grow, while focusing on only innovation of what I already made [okay, or be stressed out because the numbers don’t grow (flehs always mention this), but then, still…], because I now have my business construction. There will be a moment, when I say “we’re open now” (during a “launch party”… (for one…?) I’ve calculated the moment when I’m going to buy my followers… So at least “I’ll go viral” (either only to myself, or you’ll actually see my page go “viral”)) and I’ll officially be done with all the preparations of doing official business. I’ll have a “routine” (but a historically creative one), that won’t require as much stress and effort as now. Liée!

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    The Turning Point (Of No Return): Monday, June 4, 2018

    16:37 (04:37 PM)
    Hey sweetie,
    How are you?

    I feel SOOO GOOOOD today! I haven’t felt this uplifting feeling of inner peace and happiness for so long… My future looks brighter than ever.

    So I was basically stuck in Miami, struggling to find a next step that gets me closer to my final goal (a historically big one…). At some moments, just giving up would have been so much easier. But I could never settle for that.

    I’m giving you this tiny summary of the last two weeks of my life, because I consider this day a new starting point in my life. (I succeeded  in achieving that one thing I came to do here: starting over.) After this, I’ll tell you why this is a new starting point and why my future looks brighter than ever.

    With this new starting point, I wonder what I should do with all of my old material. I want my audience to believe in me. I want to be a leader. We all know moments of “less cheered on emotions” [I don’t say weakness, because we’re not weak], such as sadness, frustration, disappointment and anger. In my previous material, I’ve shown you all of mine. In my videos, books and posts, I talk about my fears, when it comes to the safety of (what is left of) my status, my frustration when it comes to not being heard in my past, and many other things. I wanted to show this, because I want to show you all of my reality. I want to be the first one who describes personal emotions with so much detail and realism. But now that I want to start on doing business, and I want to get to the top with it, I wonder: should I delete all of my previous posts, delete all of my videos and re-write the first two episodes, to, from now on, make this “chiseled business impression” on you, like everyone does? (To play it safe…) Or should I keep things as they are, risking a lot of negative judgment for my previous material?

    I don’t know what it’s like to read this from someone else’s perspective. This is a question only my audience can answer. … I know only two people keep up with my blog… Or at least, only two people have told me that they read/have read it. (Are more people reading it¿) So I think the best thing to do now, is to ask them what I should do. Should I keep my old material (but archive it separately?), or should I delete it?

    01:33 (AM) [I always start a “new day” post, after I’ve slept. I still have to go to sleep, so I consider this moment as still Monday.]
    I have a long checklist of things to do tomorrow (including some relaxation. Something I haven’t had in a while). Then I’ll tell you about my new insights.

    After I wrote that part of the post, I was busy looking for plane tickets and a place to stay, with my mother, and I was talking on the phone with Jean about my blog and a lot of other different topics. While on the phone, I was walking to the supermarket. It was about 25 minutes walking. I had to stop at a gas station, before I got there, because the thunder and rain were so heavy I could barely look through my glasses. The bad weather didn’t last that long at all, though. (I’m used to Dutch weather…)

    When I was almost at the grocery store, my phone battery was at 1%. I seized a moment to memorize some street names. I did my grocery shopping (ended up donating $1 (yeah, I paid $17… (reference to “today’s” dish)) because I would feel bad for saying “no”)) and made my way back with so much ease. It felt so much faster than when I walked to the supermarket.

    Back at the hotel, my clothes were so wet, and all of my other clothes are dirty (I’ll be hand washing them tomorrow morning), I decided to cook wearing only my panties. I’ve never done that before, but it felt so “free”! I was listening to music in the meantime. Also, I felt like showering, but was also hungry, so, “to be more efficient”, I decided to eat dinner while taking a bath. Another fun experience. It would have been more fun if I weren’t alone, though. Does this sound crazy to you? (I know some judgmental people will say “Oh boyy this is soo wrong omgg blah blah”. Ugh.)

    After months, I’d taken the initiative to watch some TV. I felt like relaxing some more. I found Adult Swim. Basically the only channel I can watch without cringing too much (together with Cartoon Network). [I need FangTV…]

    I cleaned the kitchen. (Had to go “downstairs” (that’s what it feels like, to me, here) to ask for a container for my left over tomato mixture, a water boiler and some form of soap to do the dishes with (either for handwash or the dishwasher). This cute guy in the elevator called me cute. His name is Frank. (I really lost my game when it comes to having first time conversations, but I will be back…)) I’m about to go to sleep. I just wanted to write this down, because I want to remember what I’ve done every day. The concepts I mentioned earlier, the concepts I want to tell you about, still remain “alive” tomorrow, so that isn’t really that “day-specific”. Even though this day is a special day. Because now I know I’ll safeguard my future. The strategy I have now, consists of SO MANY sub-strategies, it must be bulletproof. That’s the one thing I’ve kept my mind occupied with, since the moment I realized I was able to reason with an inner voice: a bulletproof strategy to achieve all of my goals comfortably. It’s such a large concept, I’m going to postpone telling you about it. I still want to go to sleep before the sun comes up… (That’s also why I postponed telling you about all of Nosce Te Ipsum. But that will be over, too, thanks to this strategy!)

    So I’m going to bed. I hope your day was at least just as good as mine.
    Good night <3 -xxx-

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    Sunday, June 3, 2018

    15:58 (04:58 PM)

    What is the most fun thing you have ever done?

    I still haven’t eaten anything today. Yesterday I had 3 slices of bread, one with strawberry jam, one with orange marmelade and one with butter, a cinnamon roll and three cups of ramen noodles. They’re all things I actually don’t want to consume, because they have no nutritional value. But with the hunger I had, I had no choice.

    I basically can’t pay for food today. It’s crazy how two summers ago, I was feeling such intense inner peace on Nassau, and now I’ll, from tomorrow, not have a bed to sleep in anymore.

    In my “normal social environment”, people call me boring and crazy, because I don’t propose to go to parties or other places anymore. I don’t tell them that I have done all these things 1000 times already, and it’s not fun to me anymore. Especially not because they call me crazy and treat me differently. If I can’t do my project, or at least be with people who respect me, I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t even know why I keep posting these updates. No one reads them. I don’t “praise” them that much, because in every post you see my sadness, while I’m actually a happy and energetic person. There’s no way I’m going to go back to the Netherlands and there’s no way I’m going to be homeless with a 20kg suitcase.

    I’ve been contemplating ways to end my life. What makes it hard is that I must succeed at once. I can’t pay for being in a hospital and I don’t want to be in a hospital. I don’t want to survive and have lost my cognitive abilities, physical functions or something else. I need to do this before 11 AM tomorrow, though. Because I will be so sad after having to check out and not having a place to go to. I don’t want to experience that pain I’ll feel.

    I don’t even know why I’m sharing this. Because this leaves a very wrong impression. If someone would give me a challenge, a purposeful challenge, I wouldn’t have had these feelings at all. I should keep these feelings to myself, but if I’m gone tomorrow, these flehs will know that it was planned. I don’t ever want to see them again, and it seems like suicide and not Nosce Te Ipsum is my way to achieve this. I’m so sad right now, but I can’t cry.

    I don’t even feel that bad about being hungry anymore. I don’t want to feel mad about you knowing about this, but not even telling me why you’re not doing anything. If you’re done with me, at least let me know. Because then I won’t feel this slight “maybe I should stay”-emotion. Going with “maybe I should stay” means extending my suffering, because whatever it is I do, I stay alone.

    I don’t want to do this anymore. Fuck everyone calling me weak for having suicidal thoughts. I can’t help that you have no ambitions, don’t know what it’s like to live to leave a legacy behind, have no sense of empathy and can settle for a meaningless fate.

    You live to pay your bills. And spend your free time doing things that fit the same image. “A lot of laughing and smiling, then it’s good and worth memorizing.” If you’re happy with that, that’s fine. I really mean that. Of course! Why would I want to improve it, if it’s already enough for you?

    But for myself, I don’t want to live in a routine that now is the same as it will be in 60 years. I don’t know how to do this… I don’t want the hotel staff to notice either… I’m afraid they’ll get me stuck in the same system, if I catch their attention too much…

    There’s a pool here. I’d love to just swim, but I want to be alone. I’m also too weak to swim right now, in the sense that I’ll faint, because I need to eat.

    I want to do something fun, actually. But I’m too broke and too alone. Being in this room with closed curtains and broken airconditioning is so depressing. If I check out tomorrow and find another place to go to (because, yes, I have $100 to spend until June 22, so I could now book a hostel bed), I would still be so lonely and worried about being able to pay for things. (A job can’t change that, since I only have my high school diploma.)

    Why? Just tell me why. I’ll try to change it, unless you don’t want me to. I’ve left the Netherlands, because I want to be with you. You know this. But still I’m so lonely. Why don’t you say that it’s my fate to just die, then? I’m just stuck with all these questions I can’t answer, now. But answering them could be so easy. Why can’t you/don’t you reach out to me? Am I too sad? You would change that, if you’d just not ignore me anymore…

    19:53 (07:53 PM)
    A part of me tells me to delete everything I’ve published. A part of me tells me I should leave everything as it is. Everyone knows ups and downs. We are taught to hide our downs, but I want to show you mine. I’m not ashamed of them. (I’m just a bit afraid they’ll keep getting worse.)

    I can’t give up on getting a chance to be with you. It’s the reason I’m still alive. It’s what keeps me going, even though I’m still stuck with so many questions…

    So not one ATM gives out bills of 10 dollar… The only thing I could buy with my ICS card is the $1.69 BK deal for 10 spicy nuggets.

    I’ve realized what my way out of this is, though. In that way, I won’t have to live from day by day, I “buy more time” to get myself out there and I might get the chance to make new friends. This is not the first time it crossed my mind. I just didn’t want to ask for a favor…

    02:36 (AM)
    I have to plan my next move so carefully…


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