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Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum

Table Of Theses Topics Covered In Nosce Te Ipsum III

Subject Thesis subject
(Fangyist) History »       Keeping Planet Fang’s history up-to-date

»       Correcting for the asynchrony in international history (People contributing to S.I.P.O. tell me what they know about international history, A.I. reads it and categorizes it.)

»       Nosce te Ipsum

»       A male first lady

»       The solution to war

»       Fangyist import duties

(International) Business »       D.O.C.I.S. international

»       Charity (Nosce te Ipsum) [the trade agreements]

»       Planet Fang (embassy/“fun house”)

»       Supermarket

»       The government as a business

»       Auctioning art

»       (Re-)allocating assets and turning it into valuta

»       Businesses as part of the government

»       Fangyist import duties

»       Air Fang

»       The D.O.C.I.S. International Network

»       Daniëlle Crutzen human stock

»       The Planet Fang (Cuddle) Card

(International) Economics »       Ever-growing stock

»       Human stock

»       Evolutionary economics

»       New valuta

»       Nosce te Ipsum

»       Auctioning art (for stock)

»       The U.S.H.R.

»       (Re-)allocating assets and turning it into valuta

»       Businesses as part of the government

»       Fangyist import duties

»       Taxating art

»       Daniëlle Crutzen human stock (D.I. personal tax a.d.h.v. zelf bepaalde koopkracht (S.I.P.O. uitgavenpatroon))

(International) Law »       The Nosce te Ipsum court case

»       D.O.C.I.S. International contracting

»       Planet Fang Law (all natural drugs are legal)

»       The U.S.H.R.

(International) Politics »       Planet Fang

»       The life of a propagandist president

»       Changing the news (the muse president)

»       The solution to war

»       A male first lady

»       The U.S.H.R.

»       Businesses as part of the government

»       Fangyist import duties (remember we’re a corporate island… (except the outer ring?))

»       Air Fang (a bathtub in a plane? With fishes?)

»       Running a country (het aantal Cuddle stadstaten is gelijk aan het aantal overige continenten (Europa (etc.) in The First Ring (Caribische Eilanden (Cuddle, Planet Fang (D.O.C.I.S. International’s Corporate Island) in The First Ring))))

(Mass) Technology »       Mobile gaming console

»       FangPen (with text-to-speech, writing-to-text, painting-to-image)

»       Trading aid (monthly/weekly/daily coaching based on your income etc.)

»       An entertainment application

»       Games

»       The Docis International website

»       Nosce te Ipsum

»       Air Fang

»       Scorpio as cross-platform programming language (phone-to-gaming-console etc.)

»       A laptop or phone with two touch screens (the “mood ring” on the back of your screen with the touch screen off when you’re holding your phone in your hand (Pocket Hologram, HoloTV (touch screen afstandsbediening/”wii console” (“Neem je afstandsbediening mee. Het is je telefoon. Wow.”))))

»       Music Production Programming (The HoloLap has a DJ panel app)

»       Special fingerprint touch screen pen

Architecture and Real Estate »       The Cuddle Palace

»       Cuddle (the capitol of Planet Fang)

»       The rest of Planet Fang

»       Compounds

»       Embassy/fun houses

»       Research centers

Artificial Intelligence »       The Suit

»       The Glasses

»       The Wig

»       Holo Docises

»       W.T.F. is happening to my brain

Athleticism »       100m sprint

»       Basketball

»       (Pole) dancing

»       Tennis

»       Dans-turnen

Crisis Management »       Evacuating Planet Fang

»       The Water-Ramp

»       No weapons as a threat

Culture »       Genealogy

»       Cuddle Culture

»       Amical abstinence

Design »       Vehicles (a car, a motorcycle (Grind), the FangShip (presidential boat (for all Cuddles)))

»       Clothing

»       Cosmetics

»       Art (taxating, making)

»       Furniture etc.

»       The Water-Ramp

»       De Onderzeeër (“by spaceship”, in Cuddle)

»       (Deodorant, (washing machine) soap, perfume, etc.) scents (one named “outer space”)

Ecology »       The Water-Filter

»       The solution to war

»       Cuddle Park (The start of building Planet Fang)

»       Shipping animals

»       The Planet Fang Royal Gardens

Engineering »       The Slide

»       The under-water roller coaster

»       Submarines

»       The Water-Filter

»       The Water-Ramp

Entertainment »       Performing music

»       Composing

»       TV (channel + cartoon + presenting the news)

»       Movie producing

»       Acting

»       Poetry (Latin)

»       (Creative) writing

»       Nosce te Ipsum

Fangyism (Propaganda) »       Ever-growing stock

»       Acknowledging the international government

»       The life of a propagandist president

»       The solution to war

»       Evolutionary economics

»       Changing the news (the muse president)

»       A modernized think-tank

»       Spin through rumors

»       Re-illuminati religion

»       Campaigning in 2018

»       Nosce te Ipsum

»       Snitchig (and stigma) [fake concepts]

»       A male first lady (also about courtship)

»       New education (The School of Propagandists)

»       The U.S.H.R.

»       Fangyist import duties

»       Subliminal messaging

»       The Pressure Group (NTI I)

»       The New Narrative (NTI III, my thesis. Also known as The Fangyist Constitution. NTI #1 is me changing my name, my biography and creating Planet Fang and its future.)

»       NTI II

»       NTI III

»       S.I.P.O.

»       Versax Time (als erkenning van intelligentie)

»       PR with numbers (Identity Branding using the U.S.H.R.)

»       The U.S.H.R. 100 digit code

Food (and cooking) »       Additive free, biological halal food for mass production

»       Becoming a Docis-Crutzen reseller

»       THC active food and drinks

»       Embassy restaurants (food pallettes)

»       Fangyist import duties

Linguistics »       A U.S.H.R. dictionary (originating from Latin)

»       Making up new (international) words

»       The Suit

»       The Wig

»       Cuddle Culture (speaking Cuddle)

Mathematics »       Nosce te Ipsum

»       I love diversity (the future)

»       The U.S.H.R.

»       Subject layers

»       S.I.P.O.

»       A.I. stuff

»       Engineering stuff

Medicine »       Natural medicine

»       How nymphomania has a hold on your life

Neuroscience »       W.T.F. is happening to my brain

»       The Wig

»       The Suit

»       Subliminal messaging

Psychology »       Finding yourself (Re-illuminati rituals)

»       A new cure to mental illnesses

»       Subliminal messaging (N.L.P 2.0)

»       My biography (NTI #1)

»       Nymphomania

Retail/Export »       Farming (to-home)

»       Lifestyle collection

»       Charity (Nosce te Ipsum)

»       Importing everyone’s wish lists

»       The embassy as local export location

»       Becoming a Docis-Crutzen reseller

»       Fangyist import duties

Statistics »       Nosce te Ipsum

»       I love diversity (the future)

»       The U.S.H.R.

»       Subject layers

»       S.I.P.O.

Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum

Thursday, May 31, 2018

16:35 (04:35 PM)
Hi Cuddle,
What were you doing before you started reading this?

Unfortunately, my alarm didn’t go off today. I had one on at 08:40 AM, but apparently it was an alarm that only goes off on Mondays… I only had money for dinner, so I skipped breakfast (and lunch…). But I was getting so hungry that I was starting to feel light headed. My mother offered to support me financially, but I told her she didn’t have to. I know my father checks her spendings and she will get in trouble for it, if he finds out. (Which is fucking absurd… He has so much money to spend. He interferes in how she spends her own income…)

After a lot of hesitation, I later asked her to withdraw cash from my other savings account, I don’t have acces to, from here. I was looking for a way to authorize her for withdrawing the cash. But unfortunately, the procedure is that I should go to that bank with her to do this paperwork procedure, before she receives the right to withdraw money from my account.
Luckily, she offered to transfer €200 to me. I asked her to transfer it to my prepaid credit card. She told me she’s going to do that tomorrow. It takes 24 hours to process the payment, and I’ll have to “lengthen” my stay tomorrow at 11:30, so I asked her to transfer half to my regular account right away. Now I was able to “buy some “proper food”” (after having been so hungry (again), I thought of praising my vegetarian meal from Pollo Tropical(…), but I feel so sick right now…) and other essentials, such as water and ramen noodles. I bought that and panties and a black t-shirt, worth less than $5 in total.

The regular edition of Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2 is now online in the Smashwords regular catalog and on Amazon Kindle. I need to edit some things, for it to be published in other stores, and for me to feel a bit content with it. I don’t like all these “small errors” because I have to rush. But I think I have made the project a lot clearer, and that is the most important, right now. I need participants, so that I can do something with all these piles of “paperwork I have done”, to make a change and unite us. And so that I’ll be able to pay for a space to live in, where I can cook for myself, and not have to depend on cheap fast food that makes me feel sick.

02:55 (AM)

Liée… The regular edition and the elite edition of Episode 2 passed all tests on Smashwords and are uploaded to Amazon as well. I hope the material is clear enough to start a conversation about.

I’m going to sleep now. I really hope this period of loneliness will end soon… Then we can cuddle each other to sleep. I never liked sleeping alone, but these days it has been the most intense. What if nothing happens again (as in everyone sees me release this, but no one decides to participate in it) and I’ll have to sleep outside until June 22nd… I hope this new episode, containing more information, will change this.

Sweet dreams
I love you

-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

11:55 (AM)
I’m on my way to the final hotel now. I got off the 37 and am waiting for the 11 now. I’m taking the bus, because I can’t afford a Lyft. I have less than $20 to spend for the coming two days. After that, I will have nothing. I have to finish episode 2 today, to hope for the miracle of someone saving me before being bedless. By saving me, I mean you giving me the chance to provide for myself and allowing me to pursue my dreams, by us working together.

15:23 (03:23 PM)
I had to wait in the lobby for a while (about 2 hours) before I could check in, so I had some time to write. Around 12 AM, I want to hand it in. You could call episode 2 “the 24 hour episode”. To stay semi-sharp, I’ll be taking a nap again until 16:30. I plan on going to Burger King around 18:00, to eat something that costs not more than $5. (Then I’ll be able to eat for about three days…)

I’m acting quite “airy” about the getting homeless situation, but on the inside, I’m freaking out. I hope that when I have made my project clear to you, my fate will be altered.

I’ve been so hesitant with talking about the end result of Nosce Te Ipsum, because the scope is so large, I’m afraid people will just call me crazy again… But if the right people read it, we can make our world so much better, on such a large scale…

Something I’ve still not decided on is: What am I going to put on the cover this time?

23:33 (11:33 PM)
I have made the cover images and finished a large part of the text… I hope I’ll be able to finish things up in about an hour… It takes about 24 hours for the books to be published. (I’ve made a normal edition and an Elite edition…)

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday May 29, 2018

07:59 (AM)
Good morning :]
How was your night?

I just saw that the car rental paid me back… That means that I can try to extend my stay here, or look for a cheaper place. If I go cheaper, I’ll have to stay in a shared room. Either way, I’m still not going to be able to make it until the end of the month. I want to lay in bed all day… I feel like crying, but I can’t. I realized, the people I asked to share my video, probably won’t be able to do this, because what I’m doing in it, is too childish. I feel so stupid for making it and making everything public… I want to be alone and lay in bed all day. The last time I’ve done that, was last year, when I decided to not speak anymore, to prevent the escalation of a clash I didn’t cause.
.
Did I really just ruin my shot at having subjects…?

I’m just going to extend my stay with one day here, because I really want to catch up on sleep and try to get most of my sad emotions out. After that… I feel like I should still somehow make clear how my project works. My audience must not dislike reading… Right…

I’m going to have breakfast and extend my say. xxx

08:57 (AM)
I think only those I’ve sent the message to could be my audience. Chances are most of their audience won’t understand this… I’m looking for leaders, not followers…

When I made plans to come here, my focus was on getting out of my environment. All the planning I did, was to make sure to get to the United States, without my environment noticing… They expect me to give up and go back, but that will be the incentive for them to treat me with even more disrespect. I prefer suicide over that. I prefer suicide over going back to the Netherlands in the first place. They’re going to lock me up, without giving me a proper chance to defend myself.

I was so focused on getting here unnoticed, I barely thought of getting my product out, here. The main thing I was focused on, was getting some space to breathe and be myself. It’s more comfortable here, but my financial situation makes it still not what it should be.

I want to show you I’m a better author, but for that, I need more time.
I want to show you I’m a better poet and pianist, but for that, I need more time.
I want to show you I’m a better producer, but for that, I need more time and better equipment.
I want to show you the promises I make about the things we can accomplish with my project, are made because my strategy is bulletproof. To show that, I need subjects and more time. (I’m a subject, too!) I need time to focus on the details of explaining the concept to you, clearly. (I’m actually afraid that if I tell you how big my actual goals are, you will call me crazy, too… The scale I want to do this on, and thus the size of the scope of my strategies, is historic…)

To deliver better quality work, the way I truly want it to be, I need people to work with. Everything you’ve seen this far, I’ve made all on my own. Not one other person has had a hand in this. All of this: my blog, my book, my music, my videos, my websites, my (computerized) drawings, my photo’s… Working alone is not bad, but because every time I have to rush things, due to the unhealthiness of my environment and my urge to be free, I’m not showing you my true professional side. I thought it would be something positively new, to show you unmastered work, but I don’t think society is ready for that. Or will be ready for that, ever… Judging people on their professionality is the favorite hobby of many.

I’m exhausted from making all these things. And I’m exhausted from being stressed out. For more than a year now, I have been under constant intense pressure. I don’t want that anymore. But being homeless in a foreign country will add so much pressure on my future…

17:34 (05:34 PM)
I’m going to get ready to eat and after eating make a beat. A more “serious one”… I’m going to try to use my 2 octave MIDI keyboard like a full size piano. I have all my self-written sheet music here, so I better make use of it now that I still can.

I feel so awkward about sending those sharing requests… But I’m glad nothing happend, because their audience would definitely not appreciate my work…

17:58 (05:58 PM)
Now that I have a little extra to spend, because of the car rental paying me back, I have to look for another place to stay from tomorrow. But I’m so done with doing this… Responding to my mother’s texts, while I don’t want to, basically being trapped in hotels because I don’t have a car and my budget is too low to do things. What is living? The only difference between a regular life and mine is that I don’t have an office job. If I would have one, I would be able to cover my expenses here. I have been looking… for jobs as a Dutch translator and other language related jobs, but I don’t want to do this… I don’t even have an address here. I’m also soooo done with fabricating stories on why I’m here… I keep saying that it is to make pictures for my blog… And then I don’t even refer them to it… I don’t know what will happen when the authorities find out about me. I’m really on the edge of saying fuck all this shit, again. I’m glad I’ve had some time away from the people bringing me down, but I have been alone for too long. It seems like nothing is going to change that. Every time I put something project related online, I hope my audience will see me. I know there’s a chance they already know about me. But no one tells me why I’m staying alone, so I can’t adapt what I publish to them. My orientation on who matter and who don’t (yeah, I said it) is all fucked up. The people on my mind 24/7, are those who celebrate you when you make it seem like things are going amazing and are able to make them believe it (but why be with them in the first place, if you have to fake how you feel, to be respected?), but abandon you as soon as your reputation gets damaged, damaging your reputation even more. I keep saying I want to reach the masses, but it’s not that the masses are waiting for me… As a matter of fact, I will have to work SOOO hard to even be respected and understood a very, very slight bit. What I’m doing really requires too much thought for them. I want to keep a low profile, again. I still want to make these changes, but much rather with those people never knowing my name. If I’ll even make it that far… Since I don’t want to spend another day in bed, thinking that the hotel personnel will think I’m weird, because I spend the entire day in the room… All my clothing is dirty. I don’t even like the clothing. Also, I’m done with eating unhealthy food.

I really doubt booking another room, man. I wish I just had fucking normal parents, so that I could just stay at home, or make a fucking documentary without them CALLING THE COPS ON ME, all because they don’t know the person I’m working with. Even when I’m 40 they’re going to want to know where I am, to then indoctrinate me with their fear of suicide bombers at the location I’m going to. If my life stays exactly as it is right now, what the fuck does it matter if I live for 100 days more or just 1? I just wanted to do something that was never done before.

I want to meet truly like-minded people. But I don’t want to talk about my life. And I don’t want to lie about it anymore either.

I feel like I’m trapped in a bird cage…

After typing this, I’m definitely going to keep a low profile. Every time I’ve showed this part of my underlying emotions, people have called me immoral, stupid, spoiled, etc. for it. I can’t hear that shit anymore.

20:13 (08:13 PM)
I have been doubting my next moves so much. I’ve been thinking of moving to Los Angeles for a while, but that’s only possible if I can make a living there… I’ve been able to postpone my homelessness until June 1st (but paying for food is going to be difficult..). I’ll just eat supermarket salads. If there’s a supermarket nearby… I don’t mind taking a long walk, though.

Now that I’ve been able to postpone things, I think I’ll make a second episode of Nosce Te Ipsum. I have to be strategic, though, in what I put in it. Is my content too vague?

I want to show you the story the fill in the gap story I’ve written is based on. And I want to make clear to you, what my project is. For some reason, I feel not very comfortable by delivering something with a lesser amount of pages, but of course, the content is much more important than the amount of pages.

Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum

Nosce Te Ipsum, Episode 1

Do you know this “That moment when you stumble upon someone’s account and scroll down their entire timeline, not knowing that person, but knowing that he/she went to Spain in 2012?”-meme/quote? I want to be that person, to you. I have so much I want to share with you! The personal material I have for you, I’ve scattered over the internet. On Docis International, you find a few of the locations. I’d love to get to know you as well.

On https://docis.international, you find links to the platforms you can find Nosce Te Ipsum material on. To summarize it, you have:
Lego (reading material)
Video (video material)
Audio (audio material)
The links lead to examples of the types of material.
In the future, there will be audio books as well.

Something you basically don’t see these days, is raw, unedited, unscripted material. Even non-professionals are experts, when it comes to judging people’s work on whether it looks professional or not. What I’m doing in episode 1, is “breaking all the rules” when it comes to professionality. I want to show you something natural, out-of-the-box.

Since it’s actually not possible for me to make an episode without subjects, I’m using the platforms to give you a slight idea of the project and of my situation.

I think explaining the project concept through text will be considered too long and too boring, and the same goes for explaining it in a video. The concept is too new. There’s so much to explain. It will spoil all of the fun and the surprises.

I wanted to change the introduction text of this website, but my internet connection is too slow… The clock is ticking… In 10 hours I will be out on the street… I’m already homeless.

Please help me… You won’t regret this!!

I love you
<3

Blog, Online Diary

Monday May 28, 2018

13:50 (01:50 PM)
Good afternoon <3 I'm currently on the bus, on my way to a restaurant nearby the hotel I just checked in to. The restaurant is only... Okay I asked where the stop for bus 37 to Hileah was. I was at the airport, to hand in my rental car. I got into the bus at that stop, but I later realized it was the 37 in the other direction. (They both leave from the same spot.) In a way, this has been an advantage, because now I can eat Cuban food for the first time, like I wanted. I got off after a few stops, checked Google Maps for restaurants and found the "Caribe Cafe", where I'm sitting at right now.  *picture* (I'm having upload issues) I really like my food. It's so nice to finally eat rice, after all that fast food. But it would be ideal if I would get the chance to cook again, one day...  Just typing this makes me so sad. I still believe that staying outside is better than staying at home, but even outside my existence will feel so empty and purposeless. I just want to continue working on Nosce Te Ipsum. I need subjects... It will also be easier to explain the concept when I can just show you how it works, by using a real life sample. The introduction of the concept can be found in the first episode, though.

I’ll start with making the final few videos. While they’re processing, I’ll make the page. I’ll start uploading things to my social media, when I have changed the introduction of this website.

I really want all of this done fast. I’m so tired and the message needs time to spread itself. If it will work in the first place………..

I’ll start writing the text down here, so I’ll just have to copy paste it when I get to the hotel. 

Header title: Project Nosce Te Ipsum
Subtitle: Episode 1

*insert video*
(For donating, please scroll all the way down.)

Become part of Revolution Nosce Te Ipsum
Choose your medium –> Be notified –> Inspire with your post

The concept of Project Nosce Te Ipsum [I just decided to write it with a capital “P”] is so unique, it can’t be compared to anything else. If I would have to give it a title, “research project” would apply, “book series” would apply, “revolutionary business plan” would apply, and the list goes on… It would be way better for you to just » experience « it. You have plenty of options to pick from, to find the experience that suits you best. For getting the most clear idea of what the project is and how it works, before it has started, checking out multiple options would be the best. 

Video (Nosce Te Ipsum)(Additions, Revenge of The Nerds lyrics explanation), Audio (Nosce t’ipsum) (Revenge of The Nerds), Lego (Nosce Te Ipsum) (The Ebook, The Paperback (higher price because of intimation and financial support reasons), The Blog (LilFangs.com) (Categories).

Title: Are you interested in participating?
Subtitle: It’s free! As a matter of fact, you could earn from it.
*sign up form*

Title: Share your ambitions
Text: old text
*insert instagram and twitter feed*

*Leave the rest in the same way, but replace the blog feed with “Thank you so much! <3"* --- I already had a gut feeling this would happen... The wifi is not working, so I won't be able to use my laptop to update the websites. I'll just use the last bit of data on my phone, but this means I won't be able to upload the other videos I had made. (Because it will cost me a fortune...) And I also won't be able to make the picture albums of Paris. Hmm :[. I'm going to try connecting to the internet with my laptop one more time. Again, it's not working... I'm so lucky that I uploaded the other videos at the motel... Meanwhile it's 17:21 (05:21 PM). I'm really tired... I'll put on an alarm clock for 19:30 and change my "to do list" to: * Youtube playlist * Docis International page * Lil Fangs introduction (I really want to add images to the online diary headers...) * Instagram pictures and video(s)? 20:00 (08:00 PM) The internet on my laptop is working! :] I started to edit it on my phone, but it wasn't a comfortable process... The page title (after continuing) I made with my phone. (I'm talking about https://docis.international.) How to promote this on Instagram and Twitter…?

21:55 (09:55 PM)
The internet is not working again… I have been saving the page in between changes, but I’m not done yet. This is the final change I’m making now, though… I’ll try to do it on my phone again.

I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of asking for attention on Memorial Day… Or asking for attention/favors ever… But I have to do this, if I don’t want to sleep outside and carry this heavy broken wheel suitcase everywhere… I can’t postpone it, either, since check-out is tomorrow morning at 11 PM…

01:14 (AM)
[For those who just tuned in: I start with a new date, after the day has begun for me, which is after I have slept.]

I have less than 10 hours until I have to check out…
I’m struggling to upload the video to Instagram… I’ll start with sending Twitter DMs… (My first time ever “sliding up in someone’s DMs” ahahahahahaha.) I’m sooooooo afraid of rejection and neglection…

After that, I’ll wait for the Instagram post to be uploaded, send Instagram messages and probably go to sleep because I’m too scared to see if I’m getting any responses or not…

Breakfast will probably be around 8. (I haven’t asked, this time. I don’t want to think about this day…)

Blog, Online Diary

Sunday May 27, 2018

11:55 (AM)
Yesterday’s post still has trouble being uploaded. I’ll be fixing that after I’ve told you this: today, I’ll have to start making some semi-final decisions. If my parents report me missing, I really don’t want that to he on Memorial Day… That could harm my reputation even more…

I hope everyone is safe out here.

Due to the weather, I’m kind of stuck in this room. The weather and the broken back wheel of my heavy suitcase also want me to not get rid of this rental car until I’m not staying here anymore. Later today I’ll buy some groceries (water bottles, some cheap food to still my hunger, pantyliners…) and make the page, after my videos are done uploading. I might also make this morse code beat, since I can’t really go anywhere. And I need to book my next location to stay at. Or I’ll just stay here, at the Shalimar Motel. I’ll have to look for a cheaper place to stay, if I want to have a roof over my head for longer. My mother offered me financial assistance. I don’t want to ask her, because I know she’ll get in big trouble because of my father… He doesn’t allow her to give me money…

I wonder what my mother and our relationship would be like, if we wouldn’t be surrounded by self-centered, mean, shallow people. She likes reading and ballet shows etc. [I mentioned this before], but never puts a lot of time in this interest of her. Only her cousin (and I) share this interest with her, of all the people in our environment, but they’re both so occupied with their jobs, that they spend their scarce free time watching TV. (Probably because of fatigue.)

15:03 (03:03 PM)
I’ve just decided to make episode 2 of Nosce Te Ipsum today, explaining more about the concept of the project (as was requested :]) and the origin of the science fiction story “inside the project”. Plus the beat based on morse code. Before that, I’ll be doing the grocery shopping. I decided to do that around the evening, so that I could buy dinner right away and not have to drive away from the motel and back twice, since I’ll still have to pay for gas.

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday May 26, 2018 [Do NOT tell me I should go back home!!!]

Oh my godddddd I typed sooooo much and now it’s gone AGAIN!!!! I translated texts from my mother, my father and my goodbye letter, to explain to you that I really can’t go home ever again and my father is a criminal. I’ll re-translate his texts (I haven’t replied to and I won’t reply to them ever) after this nap. xx
(I’m uploading the images in advance, so that, if this app decides to delete this text again, it happens before I’ve started translating again.)
image

I’m copying his exact interpunction. In advance I’m telling you in advance: he’s drawing conclusions “according to my letter”, while the way he’s interpreting it is not the same as I’ve stated it.

“Strange letter Dominique. I wonder how you got the belief that we would stop you if you would want to go away for a while. [Maybe because I have to hold a plea every time, begging to go outside, to sometimes still hear no, and I have to conform to all kinds of unnecessary rules I don’t want to conform myself to, every time I hear yes. I want to be truly free.] It happens more often that people take a sabbatical but normally people are ipen and honnst about it. [The typos are copied.] Or was that because of the fact that from the start you knew you were not honest and open to us at all. When you remarked that you wanted to go to Paris we gave you the trust and we just let you go. Apparently you believe trust is one-sided but that’s not how it works Dominique. [Since I decided to quit university to focus on my PR company, he says that I can’t be trusted. (Because he expected me to finish the program, but I was really unhappy about university life.) In the letter, I said that I don’t trust him either, and that’s why I didn’t tell him I was planning to leave.]”

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“Running away from your problems is not the solution to your problems. I wish you best of luck with your search. [The “best of luck” part is sarcasm. In the letter, I state that I’m solving my problems by breaking my relationship with him. He causes so much emotional pain and requires way too much attention.] Dominique. When are you going to take responsibility for your actions. If you would communicate with people in a normal way you wouldn’t be taken away by a police van. [In the letter, I mentioned that I thought it was wrong to put their story about me in a viral message, without giving me a chance to tell my side of the story. Cops treated me like a criminal, when I told them I didn’t want to go home. I told them to let me sleep in a jail cell. They still obligated me to go home to my parents.] YOU were the one who decided to disappear for 48 hours without notifying anyone. We’re not used to seeing that from you in our neighborhood and that’s why we started 3he search mission. If you would have communicated normally and told us where you were and told us that you needed some time for yourself then we would have given that to you. For this you didn’t”

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“choose and as a result of that we called in the police to find you. The fact that we the police visited him is also the consequence of YOU geciding [typo] to say nothing to no one. Your reasoning is so distorted that you don’t even realize that if you answer to the question if you had sex with Benoit [Benoît] you bring him in big trouble. But you’re being so self-centered that you find it more important to be with him while by doing this you have repelled him. That’s not very smart I think. [HE’S STATING THIS AS IF I DID IT ON PURPOSE. What happend was that I was outside after having been LOCKED UP INSIDE THE HOUSE for at least two weeks. Outside, I felt so free that I never wanted to go home again. After I didn’t get called home for dinner and my phone died, I decided I preferred being homeless, while at the same time hoped for miraculously seeing Benoît again. After three days of being outside (but I was reported missing either the last day or the second day. Not the first day…) the police found me and forced take place in the back of the police van. (Some person from the neighborhood I was in, called the police, saying that I was in the same area for too long.) Even though I told them that if that person didn’t want me to be there, I would go to my grandmother. They checked the records and found out that I was reported missing. At the station I was interrogated many times. They asked me questions about Benoît – but then I was too tired to realize that they mentioned him first, not I. I made it seem as if we were very, very close (even though we basically just met), because I thought they would let me see him. In those two weeks locked inside the house, my parents told me I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore. I haven’t seen him to this day. I miss him so much!! I’m in love with him… I can’t get him out of my mind… (Literally…) The police interrogation was around June (or July…?) 2017. In September, someone told me that when I was missing, the police were looking for Benoît. No one knows what they did to him, they say. I want to know. I need to know… I hope he didn’t get in trouble because of this… The police asked me if I’ve had sex with him and I said: “Yes”, even though it’s not true, because I thought, if they would believe we have an intimate relationship, they would let me go home with him instead of with my parents. Hearing and seeing my parents causes such an intense pain reaction – to this day – that I ran away from it then and I’m running away from it now, exactly a year later. (More information about this you can read in Nosce Te Ipsum, episode 1.) Also: I’m twenty one and when this happend I was twenty, so since I was older than 18, Benoît doesn’t have the right to be prosecuted for this. (I want to know if they did…)] You indicate you don’t want to come home[,] fine. But don’t think you can set up people next time” [As if I tried to set someone up… Talking about Benoît got me in trouble, too. To this day…]

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“to come back. Then take your responsibility like an adult. Don’t pie the blame on other people when things don’t go your way. [He said “gerf”, instead of “geef” (“give”, idiom: “geef de schuld” -> “put the blame” (not “give the blame”)), and it looks like “sterf”. “Sterf” means “die”, so here’s “pie” for “put” and “die”. I never said that things weren’t going my way and I didn’t blame them for anything either. I did say that their coldness isn’t helping me with my suicidal tendencies. (Another reason to run, don’t you think?)] Your mother and I always told you that we would have liked to see that you can be independent and take care of yourself. I think you’re trying to prove this in a wrong way but everyone has their own way of proving this. [Again: sarcasm.] The path you have chosen is going to have a lot of shit on it I think. But you will have to clean it up this time. [As if he ever “cleaned my shit”? (Wonder who taught me how to swear?) He’s only bringing me in trouble and hurting me.] I think you eventually will be able to do that if you decide to be open and straight-forward to yourself and to other people. Whether they agree with you or not. Like I said before good luck searching.”

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“Do know that sooner or later every child leaves the parental home. I don’t have a problem with that. Not one parent will have a problem with that eventually. What I do have a problem with is the way you have done it Dominique.” [When I bought this phone, I decided to not save the phone numbers of the people I don’t want in my life.]

When I decided to let myself be taken into a mental institution, to get a second opinion (my parents got me stuck in this system by telling them falsely interpreted stories about me, and gave the right for those psychiatrists do dictate my life, so I needed to prove that I am NOT psychotic!!!!!!!! NEVER have been! I HAVE SO MUCH PROOF!!!) and some rest from being at home – only to find out they wanted to back up their colleagues and not listen to me AGAIN, diagnosing me with schizophrenia, because “I didn’t get over it” – and I decided to start talking to “my friends” again, they all said that “my father would never hurt me physically or verbally” (both mentally). FUCK THEM! When we hang out, and they ask me about my life at home, I always spoke about them positively, BUT I WAS LYING. I just didn’t want to show them my pain. If you still believe that he’s “sooo normal”, look at this picture AND THINK AGAIN.

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NOW IMAGINE HIM RAISING HIS VOICE AT HIM AND THREATENING TO BEAT ME, BECAUSE I SAID SOMETHING HE DIDN’T LIKE. (I say: “Don’t touch me,” and he says: “I decide when I touch you. I’m your father.”) OH, AND HERE IS HIS WHATSAPP PROFILE PICTURE:
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MY FATHER IS A MURDERER AND A FRAUD. I WANT TO SUE HIM FOR THAT AND 21 YEARS OF EMOTIONAL DAMAGE. (I have made so many audio tapes of him discussing his fraudulent shit…) I didn’t say anything about this at the police station, because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t speak my mind about him directly to his face, but decided to write a letter – only explaining why I left and am never coming back, because I didn’t want to hurt him. Only to read one of the most hurtful text messages ever.

Since May last year, because I “shunned” my parents for five days after and while swearing at me, because I wanted to go abroad to work on my project with Benoît, and they thought I said that because I was high [I WAS FUCKING SOBER AND SPENT DAYS AND NIGHTS WORKING ON THAT PROJECT] and there was no way Benoît would want to work with me (according to them), I got stuck in the Dutch psychiatric system. From the start, I said that I didn’t want to discuss my life with them. They obligated me to, my parents encouraged this, and if I don’t cooperate, I’ll get a warrant and get locked up in an institution. After a year of begging, they let me talk to a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist. But this person finds the way I’m being treated “not a reason to feel like this and do this”. I want to sue everyone in that industry, too. Meeting other patients, I learnt that I’m not the only one stuck in this loveless situation.

If they let something bad happen to Benoît: on my life, I’ll make sure that that gets compensated for (for him) and that my father goes to prison. I have not responded to my father’s text message(s).

Blog, Online Diary

Friday May 25, 2018

12:52 (PM)
Good afternoon
How was your morning?

I keep waking up to text messages from people I thought I had said goodbye forever to. If someone texts me with lines people say in movies, to express love, it makes me feel guilty. Because the lack of creativity and originality makes it seem fake. It seems like that person just adapting him or herself to a custom, showing: “I feel you’re right about me being wrong, and I want to correct for this, so I just say things that are considered sweet, from a “pre-defined dictionary”.” (Or: “You’re feeling sad, and I don’t like having a sad person around me, so I’m now going to cite a few movie lines, after which you should be cheered up.”) Not trying to understand the sadness, anger, loneliness, heartbreak or any other emotion of the person who needs a hug (and more love). If I want to hear movie lines, I would watch a movie. I might watch a few movies a year, when I’m with someone else. When I’m alone, I never watch movies. They’re way too predictable.

My parents have accepted me leaving. They basically don’t care. They don’t see there’s no way I’ll be able to survive being abroad during the holiday season. On Wednesday I’ll be out of money entirely. I knew there was no way I was going to make it until the end of the month (April), so I decided to find a way to have the most fun, while trying to survive for the longest time possible. The area I’m at now is soooooo boring, I only go outside to walk to a place to eat. On my way back from Chipotle yesterday (it was all right, but it’s way overpriced…), I noticed a museum. That’s where I’ll be going after I’ve finished my unsweetened Starbucks iced tea. Starbucks is the …restaurant…? Café? that is closest to the “inn” I was staying at. I hope museum entrance is (semi-)free…

I’ll tell you about the fucking icey heartless message my father has sent me this morning later. I haven’t responded to it. I doubt if I’ll ever respond to it. What I would prefer is you responding to it.

17:11 (05:11 PM)
Aiight, I’m at Wendy’s now. About to eat pre-dinner and take some “after dinner” along. I checked into the second hotel earlier today.

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday May 24, 2018

23:28 (11:28 PM)
Another day full of impulses has passed. I learned that booking a flight is cheaper and more efficient than travelling by car. Especially because I’m 21 and thus will be charged extra, since there’s an “extra risk related to my age”. They don’t have manual cars available for people my age. But I prefer driving stick…

I’m staying in Baltimore for a day extra, because flight prices have increased so much, I suddenly had to pay €400 instead of €200 to move. The 26th is now cheaper, but I have to be fast… The problem is that I’m still waiting for my money to be transferred to my prepaid credit card. After that I can start planning again.
🙁


I wasn’t able to change my booking online. Now I’ll have to call… It’s crazy how much I don’t like making phone calls… But yeah, I have to do this.

00:21 (12:21 AM)
…Expedia just hung up on me. She was speaking to a co-worker in another language, after she said that I should stay on the phone, so that she could make the changes. After they exchange an (above average) set of words, she just hung up. I’m now risking €500 being deducted from my account, while I can’t even stay there. That’s not making things easier, when you have only €950 to spend for the entire month…

I’m in so much trouble… But in a way I’m numb to it. I see my dreams slowly fade away, because I can’t even supply my basic needs right now. That is the highest priority at the moment. (But I want my dreams to be my highest priority…)

Tomorrow, I’ll try to find a way to get an income somehow… I hope uploading my videos will help, somehow. I thought of writing another episode as well, but I’m so exhausted…

I’m going to try to iron my clothes now (but my sweater is still incredibly wet) and do the final packing. After that I can finally go to sleep. I’m still sleep deprived.

Good night, my cuddle

-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday May 23, 2018

I’m using a time cheat here, since I’ll be telling you about Wednesday…

00:55 (12:55 AM) [May 24]
My Cuddleee
How was your day?
Mine was… Impulsive.
I have to check out on the 25th, so I had to decide on where to go next. My final destination is Los Angeles, but my budget is too low to get there, unfortunately.
I was planning this road trip, but after I had decided on what cities to stop in, I wanted to see the rental prices and saw it was way too expensive for me.

The area I’m staying at now is so secluded, I decided my next location has to be more lively. Then, at least I can take pictures and maybe meet new people. Hopefully I’ll find more potential subjects. I’ll be able to start my project, when, by selling books etc., I have earned enough to fund it. It’s an independent and unbiased project, which is why I prefer to fund it myself.

Selling my products is now more important than ever. I won’t be able to pay for the motels, hotels and airbnb’s I’ll be staying at, if I don’t start generating more income.

I just wanted you to know this. I really reallllyyyy REALLY don’t like asking for money, but now I really have to. Please help me…

(Haha and happy one year of Head Cuddle anniversary <3. Cat meee. I love you.) I'm going to handwash my clothes now, take a shower and go to sleep. Good night, my love xxx

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Friday, September 14, 2018
14 September 2018
Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts

Search “Revenge of The Nerds” in an online music store!!!

For more information about everything that’s going on over here, listen to Revenge of The Nerds in your favorite online music store.

The link to my Youtube channel is at the right top menu on the home page.

For the ebook, search “Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode I” in an online book store.

I was typing this on the plane to Baltimore. That’s why there are no links in this post.

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday May 22, 2018

06:06 (AM)

Good morning

How was your night?

Are you ready for this?

I really can’t wait to see you. I really hope I will…….. The thought of not meeting you freaks me out.

I’ve cooked yesterday, I packed, I wrote a goodbye letter, I rushed the lyrics videos and I made a 9 hour first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum. Why I’m up at 6 in the morning? Because I just finished making the episode. The time it takes to let my computer produce the video file, is just as long as the video itself. My plane leaves earlier than that.  I’m going to just upload the fragments one by one, until my plane leaves instead.

jHere’s my goodbye letter. I wanted to translate it for you, but I don’t have time for it. You could use a translator from Dutch to your language (French, “par example”?) if you still want to know what I wrote. It’s not a happy letter. It’s a very honest one.

06:38 (AM)

I’ve shortened it to an hour now. That will “solve” it. I’m going to upload the lyrics videos and take a nap. xx

11:35 (AM)

My computer was acting up, because in the episode I’m using both videos made with my digital camera and my phone. So I’ll now re-try to process it on the plane. I can maybe even make a longer version, since the flight is about 3 hours. I think it’s very nice that I’m not on a direct flight. I’d rather fly 3 hours, have a break of an hour at least and then fly for 6 hours, than fly for 9 hours at once.

12:18 (PM)

I’m on the planeeee.

15:03 (03:03 PM)
(17:03/05:03 PM Dutch time)
I’m on another planeee. I bought another sandwich and some chocolate for the trip.

19:15 (07:15 PM)
So I made this episode to tell you I’m not missing. When I was in Iceland, I texted back my mother. She might not even notice that I’m gone. That would mean that I wouldn’t have had to pull this all-nighter last night. But anyway, existing already feels a lot less stressful. This was my only way to be able to stop being obligated to take pills that don’t belong in my body. I can prove that that is true in so many ways, but they don’t want to listen to me. They would hate to say that I’m right. Maybe the fact that I don’t have a degree, plays a role in this.

They don’t even try to “prove me wrong”. (Because they can’t. They only say: “Well you went silent and missing. Why don’t you realize you’re crazy?” Very “professional”. Flehs. They don’t understand that it was a conscious decision. Would they call this, what I’m doing now, with the one way ticket, a reason to get me locked up and give me those fucking pills again?)

Aarghh I can’t wait until this issue is solved. But for that I really need a legal representative… Buy my book :D. Pls… :D.

I might just get to The States unnoticed. I’ll just keep texting back until they read my letter. Ah damn. Something I really want/need/(truly) desire is not being alone when the flehs find out I’m starting a new life. But then not be with someone who responds to my emotions according to this “movie reaction script”. Responding with oneliners like: “Just let it out.” “It will all be fine.” Etc. I can do that myself.

Conversations should lead to higher insights. I want to have deep conversations and intimately cuddle. I don’t like these cuddles where someone just leans against you for a few seconds. I prefer when you can feel that the person you’re cuddling really wants to hold you. In a non-lust only way. That’s love. Using oneliners I don’t consider an act of true love. But some people can’t do more than say oneliners. That’s not wrong, it’s just that the oneliners are too predictable for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to see true passion. That person might be nice, but we would just not be able to be true friends. True passion requires creativity. And not saying: “Ugh, I actually don’t want to put “so much cognitive effort” into (understanding) this,” like a lot of people do these days.

Jean, who I met in Paramaribo (you’ll see him in the video episode, once I get a proper chance to comprise and upload it, once I’m (finally) in the hotel), was actually the first person I’ve met ever, who showed me true love and passion. He seriously was the first person ever, who hasn’t made a single hurtful statement. (Unfortunately being hurt so much in the past has caused me to be a bit distant, still. I hope my new life will change that. I’m just afraid of getting hurt. (Which sounds cliché, but listening to someone talk is like moonwalking over a mine field to me, since I get stroke-like physical issues from people hurting me while I want to love them.)

I wanted to write about when I met him, that friday night, but I was too busy having fun. (Not that writing is not fun, of course. I just didn’t want to have my phone in my hand while I finally had the chance to talk to someone with character.) Around my friends and family, in the past year, I haven’t been as talkative as that at all. (He reminded me of B so much, by the way… He has a similar accent and similar facial features.)
When my mother was there, I instantly was less incentivized to talk freely. (It’s also very cool that he’s a smoker too. I don’t mean cigarettes… Too bad my mother was there and I would risk getting locked up in the Netherlands for it, if she would find out.)
If we weren’t around relatives of mine (or in Surinam to begin with… The community is so small basically everyone knows everyone. If you would do something odd, they’ll gossip about it. I don’t want the action to backfire and haunt me…) I would have kissed him. NOT because he reminds me of B!! Because I like his character and his charm. He’s sooo sweet! A lot of guys (and girls) of my generation can learn a lot from him. I think it would be immoral to kiss someone, just because he or she looks like someone you find attractive. It would be a meaningful kiss, of which I would have taken the initiative. Even with my ex-boyfriend I didn’t have that… I haven’t spoken about my polyamorism and how fast I catch feelings, but I’ll get to that another time. (I was seriously getting “Well, if my project doesn’t work out, I could work in the restaurant he’s going to open and start my new life with him”-thoughts.) [Need to save my battery… My powerbank charged my phone for literally 30 seconds…]

With Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be able to distinguish people with true hart and passion from more “lazy robot”-like minds. I want to pay the people who will want to work for D.O.C.I.S. International, after project Nosce Te Ipsum has , a very high salary and give them a lot of freedom and responsibilities. Freedom in the sense of time (you work whenever you want to work, as long as we get the result we want) and responsibilities in the sense that your function in the organization would be based on maintaining a goal, instead of “maintaining a task”. The work you would do would be very various. (You might also travel a lot, if you’d like to do that. Then, consider yourself a diplomat of the organization. (Did you know that, while the organization is getting established, during project Nosce Te Ipsum, I want to become a US diplomat? I want our organization to have a government-like function in a country. Minus the shadiness and the lies.))

I’m going to stop writing, until I get to the hotel. I think I’ll need to show my reservation on my phone, I still need to use maps to find the hotel (a 20 minute walk…) and I need to listen to music to not get too lonely.

18:18 (06:18 PM)
We landeddd. Just to let you know :p.

Drafts, Recipes

Pasta (vegan): “The Last Meal” (saffron & basil + veggies)

When I cook, I always try to discover new tastes. I’ve never tried the combination of basil and saffron before. “The Last Meal” I’ve prepared for my family. Today. Last meal ever. We’ve eaten so much takeout food and many (unhealthy) restaurant dinners, I’m starting to receive complaints on my weight gain again. Once I’m done with all publishing aspects of episode 1, which is tonight, I’ll have time to work out again. 

It’s on the stove, as I’m writing this recipe draft

I’m using half a pumpkin (3), two egg plants (aubergines) (3), an union (1), tomatoes (2), garlic (2), basil (3), oregano (3), saffron (3), a stock cube (3) and a teaspoon of sugar (4). The numbers indicate the order I’ve added the ingredients in. Real basil, real saffron and real stock will make it taste better for sure. But I don’t have that to my access right now. I considered using creme fraîche as well, but I don’t have that to my access right now and the shops are closed, since it’s White Monday. 

Of course, with this recipe, you could use any type of pasta, except macaroni (unless you cut everything in very very very tiny pieces. I say no macaroni because, to me, it just feels odd if the vegetables are bigger than the pasta). I’m using spaghetti. I cooked it in vegetable stock. 

I thought of adding lentils, before I started cooking, but while cooking, I didn’t think of it. Another time I’ll experiment with lentils. (I’ve tried lentil soup, but I’ve never cooked anything with lentils myself. It tastes like something you could make this good Turkish style bread with, though. (Could it still be as airy? I love Turkish bread!) Or make a potato spread with.)

Bon appetit

The responses to my food have been positive, besides the fact that I should have used more salt. To me, that means that I should have used more of all of the other ingredients. I like food with a strongly flavorous, but still subtle taste. Adding salt takes the subtleness away. The thing with the non-fresh ingredients I’m using, is that its taste is quite artificial and you need to add sooo much of it to really be able to taste it in your food. I’ve seriously used a quarter of the little glass pot of basil I’ve used, to be able to taste it in the dish. 

I can’t wait to cook with real saffron one day. To make my taste buds happy. That reminds me of something I wanted to show you. Is this typically Dutch, or do they do this in other countries as well? This is a waste of plastic. 

What you see is what you get. This was all of the saffron that was in the little tube. I used water to get all of it out. I need to move to a different country. This is how Dutch manufacturers scam their clients, isn’t it? “That’s a euro of fake saffron right there.” I’d like to go to Iran one day.

I think the combination of spices was good, but the amount and “realness” of the saffron was far from enough, so I’m not sure. Maybe some rosemary and a bay leaf would go well with this dish. 

I’m going to start editing the video for my first episode now. 

Ciao

-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Monday May 21, 2018

14:52 (02:52 PM)

My suitcase weighs 15 kg, according to the weighing scale I was able to put it on, right before my father entered the house. He just came back from visiting my grandmother. He called me downstairs to strongly advice me not to visit her. Her accusations, distrust and pessimism have gone out of control. I already noticed it on the phone today. She never wants to talk to me, but suddenly my mother gave the house phone to me, earlier today, saying that she wants to talk to me.

I said hello and asked her how she was doing. She said she was not doing good (and nothing else). I asked her why and she said “because of a lot of factors”. From the sentiment in her voice, I knew that if I would continue asking her questions, a series of false accusations was going to follow. That’s how it goes. E-ve-ry time. So I said: “I’m very sad to hear that.” She said: “May I speak to your father?” The shortest phone conversation in the history of phone calls I’ve ever “received”.

My father came back with the news that she accused me of stealing €600 cash from her and a birthday present she received from someone else, but suddenly wanted to give back. And I “stole her silverware”. I always ask her: “Why would I take that from you?” Because I’m always the one being accused of shit. My father told her to not give us things anymore. She said that she still wants to give my sister, because my sister doesn’t steal from her. She believes that, because my sister never visits her, so she can’t be the one who’s “stealing things”, when my grandmother is not able to find something. The last time my sister has seen my grandmother was also in February, when I was staying there. She came there once to sleep after a night out and the night before she also dropped by to borrow my drivers’ license to get into a club. The only time she texts me is always to borrow something from me or ask what time I’m done cooking (her) dinner request. I’ll show you this hurtful chat history one day. I need to talk about it with someone, because no one in this country I have ever met, is able to relate to this form of neglection and sadness.

I thought of walking in and chatting with her a little bit, when I visit, but I won’t be able to endure that hurtfulness for more than a second. I’m going to make a picture of her with the mangoes in the door opening and send that to the family group chat. Then I’m going to make a run for it. I hope my sister will be in school before that and my father will have gone to work before that.

18:19 (06:19 PM)

What makes me sad the most if that, if anyone in my environment just would have focused on love instead of negative judgment, none of this would have happend. Even that guy that used to be a journalist, who interrupted me while filming yesterday, to ask me what I was doing (which made me lose precious time to use my camera, of which the battery was dying, but then it still showed two out of three stripes), said I won’t succeed with my mission, because a lot of people in the history of mankind have tried to do the same thing, but they all failed. That is THE Dutch propaganda answer EVERYONE has told me. LITERALLY EVERYONE!!!!! Or that I need to follow their vision to correct the layout of a logo or website I’ve showed them, because it doesn’t look like everything else “professional”. “Professionality” is the most fictive, over-propagandized, least creative concept of all time. It’s about content. Not about looks. For me. I know it isn’t for those who hate to use their brains. Those people aren’t part of my target audience.

I want to do things differently. If you’re not open to seeing things differently, then maybe it’s better that we don’t work together on this project. It’s not fun working together, if we’re not on the same page, right? “You should use a different color than blue” for my Unitainers logo. If someone says: “I’m not going to use this product, only because the logo is blue,” I would feel sad for the product, if that loveless person would buy it. “There’s too much line height in the caption next to your image,” was the “professional feedback” I got for the layout of https://elia-pr.com. I think it looks pretty that way. If someone would not want to do business with me, only because of that, I would feel relieved. These people need to stop being unnecessarily critical, since they don’t even dare to operate on the same level as I.

23:08 (11:08 PM)

I still have to start editing, write the goodbye letter and edit the websites. I’m getting up at seven… Speaking of getting up at seven… I’m going to create some alarms.

23:11 (11:11 PM)

I wanted to go home to do something about the fact that my stomach was making hunger noises again. In such a way that it impacted my level of energy. I wanted to eat some more of the vegan pasta I made today, but it was basically finished.

This times two was what was left. In the background you see my powerbank charge. On the ground…

Here’s the recipe (draft).

Blog, Online Diary

Sunday May 20, 2018

10:58 (AM)

We’ve been chilling at my friends’ parents in Amsterdam for quite some time now. I kind of really want to go home. The weather is so nice. I can’t wait to be completely alone. To be able to walk somewhere without being accompanied by people I wouldn’t voluntarily be around. I want to record my episodeeee. All the videos I’ve made will become one long episode, I decided in the plane.  

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday May 19, 2018

16:02 (04:02 PM)

Hi :]

Yesterday was fun. I know the degree of fun I experienced is just a teaser of the fun I’ll experience when I’m totally free, chilling with you. 

First I felt a bit sad for the people I’ll be leaving, but from the way they treat me, I know they’re just playing their role, not conscious of the underlying sentiments in their actions. 

I don’t have a problem with sharing my food. If I don’t like you, but you ask me to have some of my food, I’d still share it with you. Something I won’t do is just keep eating it without asking. Or use someones legs as a drum kit for a tiny plastic bottle. How disrespectful. 

Soon, I won’t be mentioning these fleh actions anymore. Excuse my madness. 

Blog, Online Diary

Friday May 18, 2018

16:06 (04:06 PM)

… I’m not allowed to carry my keyboard in my suitcase instead of in my backpack, because I might get stolen. I say: “So someone at the luggage checking area is going to spot this €100 keyboard through this luggage checking machine and think: “Oh boyyy this is definitely worth risking my job”.” They say: “Yes.” My parents. Why aren’t they diagnosed with paranoia, if I’m a schizophrenic? The fuck?

We’re now on our way to buy jewelery. 

18:24 (06:24 PM)

Sad Fangs reporting for Cuddles. 

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday, May 17, 2018

14:00 (02:00 PM)

Hi Cuddleee

What’s the most fun thing you’re going to do today?

My father woke me up at 12, telling me to get up. This is my first night here, where I slept “aan een stuk door”. Without waking up. (That’s not my most fun thing. The only thing I can think of of something fun that’s on my physical realm schedule right now is all aspects of leaving, minus the emotional drama that will follow.) 

Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Videos

Tuesday May 15, 2018

19:58 (07:58 PM)

I was starting to feel bad for leaving. But then I heard (in English, with an intentional “funny accent”), while this mf was poking in my belly (that already hurt): “You need to start working out. Damn. Go to the gym six days a week.” You need to buy proper groceries and stop buying takeout food you overweight fleh. I didn’t say a thing. If I would speak my mind, I could terminate my mission.

And that was before I received my second round. They don’t need to eat as much as I do. They don’t get as fucking hungry as I get (I’m talking headaches and near fainting). Because they don’t use their fucking brains.

The first round I had ordered three small rolls. The second (and last… even though I could still eat more) round I had five small rolls.

I know that “relationship ending” conversation with my sister is one of her “succesful” anecdotes. How tf can you do that and then say: “Can I borrow your charger?” “Can I borrow your calculator?” “I forgot my *fucking essential products*, can I borrow yours?” “I don’t like fish. Can you cook something else.” “I’m having friends over, could you cook this and that for them?” I haven’t finished that one NTI story about “our fight over Whatsapp and SMS”, but she had taken two days off school after a fight she had caused herself. Telling everyone “I had another attack of craziness”. Even this fleh stalker friend of my parents knew it right when it started. I was at my grandmother’s then. My grandma was at the hairdresser. I was working on NTI. I had blocked her on Whatsapp and SMS. She called my grandmother’s house phone a few times, but I didn’t pick up. I unblocked her for a second to tell her she should stop calling, looking for beef, and focus on her tests. She ended up coming by my grandmother’s house. I told her she should go back home and study. She said she wanted to “talk it through”. I asked her: “What is there to talk about?” Then she said: “Yeah I was pissed because you said these mean things about our parents and you told me to pick a side, so I picked theirs, since you were being so hateful.” I told her that I hadn’t told her to pick a side. I had said that I want her to make an independent decision, so I wasn’t going to argue for why she should pick my side. [She has cleeearlyyyy picked my parents’ side. So when Nosce Te Ipsum is succesful, she won’t get any benefits of the project either. She was the only exception, in the end. But fuck that. More benefits for you is a way better decision, my cuddle. Remind me that I never change my mind on this, even when they use their nasty “passing guilt” tricks on me.]

Then she said: “No, you have never said that.” I said: “What the fuck? Why would I lie about that?” She said: “Because you always want to be right. I hate it when people lie to me.” I immediately handed her my phone, after she said hers was empty, after I had told her to prove to me that I was lying (which was bullshit). I showed her the message saying that independent decision thing. She said: “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” I told her: “Well, find your message, then.” Being damn sure I didn’t say it and she wouldn’t be able to fucking find it. She couldn’t find the message. She told me I had deleted the message, because I wanted to be right. Okay, I know I’m good at being steps ahead and stuff, but what the fuuuuuck is this??????? If I would have deleted only that message, I would have somehow known that she was coming to my grandmother’s house. And then I would have spontaneously deleted that one message? Because my sixth sense would tell me she would come looking for more beef or something? Hell fucking no, man. Ahahaha. I don’t even know how that should have made sense. I wonder how she couldn’t see how dumb she sounded. They always say shit like: “You’re always doing evil shit, but you never look in the mirror, Dominique.” Do they even know what a mirror is? (Do they even mother fucking know me?) What the fuck do you do by making that statement (evil motherfucker)? When I was little, I would actually adapt my behavior and beliefs to these statements, saying “Yes. I am evil. I am dumb. I am not enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Hmmm… I tried to commit suicide when I was 10… Hmmm… Coincidence? I think not. Fucking murderers. This type of satanistic people have had the primate for as long as I have been alive. (Not only in my family. In sports. In music. In politics. In PR. In sneaky shadow government shit. In everything. My grandfather is the only exception I have known, who was also aware of this. Too bad my parents let him die.) IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRULY EMPATHIZE (they don’t even know who they are or what they want…) AND THUS SHOULDN’T BE THE ONES SETTING THE STANDARDS. BEING A HATER SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED. BEING A “NERD” SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.

Why isn’t she diagnosed with fucking paranoia? Is it just me, or does she sound fucking dumb re-starting a fight over a letter about me wanting to put more love into our relationship? In a way, I’m happy I found out she was a snake (too), before I would have ran away and still kept her in my life. What if this side of her had revealed itself to me, mid Nosce Te Ipsum? That would have been fucked up for all mankind. She wants to become a psychologist… What the fuck… “I’m depressed.” “No. You’re lying!!!!” Ahahahaha. (I type “haha” but I want to cry so loud about this. I haven’t told anyone about this and ALL these motherfucking snakes know we have had this fight. They have NO sense of empathy. FUCK them. Let them watch Netflix for the rest of their lives and stay THE FUCK out of my project. Blacklist.)

The story about this beef is even longer. It turned out that my mother had brought her to my grandmother’s house (of course…). It turned out that she had brought a friend along, who was waiting in the car outside. They said things like: “I don’t understand how some people say words hurt them.” “Maybe you just have a very heavy form of autism, Dominique.” “No. Going to the psychiatrists is good for you.” I bought a new pack of cigarettes that day. After I had quit for a while. I really needed some moments to be outside. Alone. Not in the same space. I can’t be in the same building (any building) as them, without feeling sooo much stress. I’ll tell you the full story later. I have saved the entire Whatsapp conversation, I’ll DEFINITELY show you and translate for you. I need this. But it’s getting late. It’s 04:18 (AM) now. I was about to go to sleep, when I checked the layout of my article, and saw that a sentence, about me not having finished a topic in NTI, wasn’t finished. I ended up typing out this entire story. I’ll make this article a featured one. It shows the snakey side of my “main” family members. (The only people I see these days. 24/7. Since I broke contact with all of my “friends”.) Hopefully you, my Cuddle, understand why run. Moments like these would empower my suicidal feelings, when I was younger. Now they empower my fire that on the one hand makes me want to fight them. But knowing they believe I’m crazy, my arguments won’t be listened to – I would just get locked into an institution with a warrant, thanks to them (snakes) – my fire empowers my ability to very carefully and secretly strategize my escape, after which we’ll be able to fight “an equal battle”. Now, if I fight back, I could get locked up. Then, they could get locked up for fraud, sexual intimidation, sexual harrassment, being shitty parents, emotional damage on a hisoric level (affecting my hidden witnesses, which makes all of this soooooooooooooooooo much worse, since they stay hidden when I’m unknown and “crazy”), and soo many many many more things.

So, before I started re-editing, I was talking about my father…

Making the same “joke” more than twice is also getting fucking annoying. I told my mother I just texted someone, asking if she can make box braids for me. This man keeps saying: “Haha did you say butt braids?” “Ohhhh you’re getting butt braids.” People don’t believe me anymore when I say this man behaves so fleh, but today I took a picture that says “endless possibilities” when it comes to this man’s personality. Oh my god.

01:23 (AM)

I’m now at question 5 out of 9 questions. Every question has quite some subquestions. (Question 3ai,ii,iii,bi,ii,iii…) For question 6 I need to install a computer program with this shitty internet connection and I have never used the program before. My alarm goes off at 8. We’re going to be wandering through the jungle all day… I’m just making this test to shut these people the fuck up. But I shouldn’t fuck up myself to be able to have more ammo to fight them off. I’m so extremely tired. I can’t even sleep after my day in the jungle because I need to untie all of my braids, wash and condition my hair, comb it and braid it into the right model. For the next day.

Funny thing, that I told my mother I shouldn’t go to Suriname because I have tests, to which she replied: “But that is “ongezellig” [fuck that subjective bullshit word] and you’ll get plenty of time to make the test.” To them, plenty of time is when I take the shortest naps ever during the day, because I don’t get to sleep at night. “I’m wasting my time.” They say. Fuck them to the power of infinity. Squared. I am so fucking pissed. I just had this “flash forward” of how this discussion (they’ll start a fight) after I’ve told them I didn’t finish the test, because of the remaining activities during this holiday and the internet connection. They’ll feel like “it’s their fault”, since they’re the ones “in charge of the activities”, so they’ll start using all kinds of shitty argumentation, to put the blame on me. As fucking usual. As ALL fucking flehs do. I’m going to make an audio recording of the conversation. (I’ve also made an audio recording of when my father and I dropped my aunt off, picking up the car she picked us up in, and changed pants (in the same room… But that is “normal”)… More fraud talk, immoral statements and shallow nonsense from their side.)

I’m so heartbroken over losing my streak of A’s… I could literally cry. This reminds me when I got my first 9 out of 10, when I was 6, and these flehs started to diss me. I’m back at exactly this again. The way history repeats itself is crazy.

Then I had taught myself to say “fuck it” (internally) and aim for putting in the least effort possible, but still pass, so that I can still say that I didn’t put all of my heart and soul into it, when I don’t get the (100% out of 100%) result I want and could easily achieve. I’m already not giving it my all, this Open University, but I was still getting representations “of my intelligence” as my results. I always tell people my low grades are a choice, and they don’t say anything about my intelligence. They don’t understand that decision and still call me dumb. Dumb motherfuckers (who are getting soooo blacklisted). Shit like this (my parents making decisions) are ALWAYS the MAIN factor, causing me having to get a low grade. A decision like: “Today, we’re going to clean the entire house. Je mag niet “weer” [I literally did that once, when I was 14 or so. But now that they treat me like I’m crazy, I do it as often as possible. Since, “since I’m crazy”, project Nosce Te Ipsum is my full time job. On the side, I deal with full time bullshit. Every moment I have to relax, I use to relax. (But what is relaxation if I use it to write these very long updates…?)] je snor drukken. [That’s Dutch for a very barbarian way of saying: “Don’t bail the fuck out again.” (So “double-barbarian”, since I said “fucking”.) Literally translated it’s: “Don’t press your mustache again.”]” When I know I only need three days of non-stop studying to pass a test. Then I do need those full three days. Dammit.
I would rather finish the test than go to the jungle, because, for my “ego” I prefer an A+ over “interesting pictures”. “Relaxation” (making pictures, looking for pretty sights) would be more fun than doing math (because it’s a test (for a grade) and not Nosce Te Ipsum or a puzzle), but the “relaxation” is accompanied with flehs. I want these pictures. I want to sleep in the car for three hours extra (because I don’t even have the entire day to make the test (need to take the London time zone into consideration), so I wouldn’t be able to sleep extra during the day if I would stay in the hotel to make the test. Who else has ever said “to stay in the hotel to make the test”? Ahahahahahah. I write so much and make so many videos and (written) music and other stuff, but feel like these are things no one can relate to, and thus I will only get judged (stabbed in the heart, figuratively) for. I make it for cuddles, though. It’s 02:20 now. I’m going to finish my short letter on why I’m not finishing it, then submit it, try to fall asleep for way too long and then hear my alarm go off at 8 AM. *Sarcastic :D*

Good night, sweetie

I wish we were just cuddling

And these flehs didn’t exist

(If I only had to take myself into consideration and not my parents and the rest of the globe (since I need to take them into consideration when they try to put the blame on me, e-ve-ry time), I would have been more relaxed, I would have been a different person, we would have been together already, we would have made so many positive changes, we would have been so much more happy, I wouldn’t have known what having a stroke feels like, et cetera. Fleh.)

I love you so, so much

-xxx-

03:01

I’m now submitting the test and I still need to pack… It’s so hard to fall asleep because my grandmother doesn’t want to sleep with all the lights off. The light in the bathroom stays on. When the light in the bathroom is on, the “air filter” goes on as well… It’s like sleeping on a plane…

05:05 (AM)

I just added so many tags to this article. Oh. Reminder to self to make a recipe for fish soup with lemongrass and coconut milk (and many other ingredients. Don’t try making soup with only those two ingredients because it will have a very “weak” taste). Boom. Now it’s a recipe too. Oh and also, Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1 is online on Tidal and Google Play. I went to an art gallery today. I’ve said this in my video, but I’m typing it again now. This is inefficient. I’m tired. I still want written and video diaries though.

I need something to be cornerstone content. Something that is a very close reflection of self. Something that represents all of my situation… Hmmm… Heheheee. That’s why I want this to be in all categories. Even though there are spelling and grammar errors. Call it “natural typing”. Flehs got nothing on me.

For the sake of my escape, thank god I didn’t take the blood test. Six days left. They will not read a word of the words I’ve written.

 

dominique elia missing for SEO reasons.

dominique elia missing, yes. Noooooooooo. (That’s “speaking Rotterdams”…)

[As in those who knew about me going missing don’t know my side of the story, but they should… The “search content” should be re-directed to this…]

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Monday May 14, 2018

12:19 (AM)

Good afternoon 😀

How was your night?

Again, I only took a set of naps. In the middle of the night (I already went to sleep past 3 AM, and I was the first to lie down, so the others going to sleep woke me up every time, but later…) I noticed my sister’s breathing was shaking. Later, I heard her sniffle. I figured she was crying softly. I cuddled her and asked why she was crying. Before she could answer, my father stood up (he was watching a movie on his laptop again) and kneeled down beside her. 

18:21 (06:21 PM)

He asked her the same thing, but repeated the question a few times, in a quite fast (impatient seeming) pace. “It’s nothing,” she said. My father kept repeating the question. Eventually, she let go: “I want to go home.” I told her: “I feel you. Two thirds of the holiday have already passed. Within no time, we’ll be back home.” My father asked her why. She said that there’s nothing to do here, she’s bored and she feels like she’s wasting her time more than usual. “At home, I still have school and my job to keep myself occupied. Here, I have nothing.” (This concept of “wasting time” is something you can get judged and ridiculed for the most, by my father, mother, cousin and aunt (who were also guests at my aunt’s house). If you’re not up at 8 AM, doing whatever, you’re wasting your life. As a kid, the first time I was staying over at my cousin’s, the first time I took a shower there, at age 10, I was done, according to my gut, very fast. But I didn’t want to hear complaints about me not washing my body thoroughly enough (I used to sweat very easily and wasn’t allowed to use deodorant with perfume), it felt like “a normal shower” took longer and I just wanted to be alone for much longer, so I stayed underneath the shower and was just contemplating life. To this day, she tells me: “Oh my goddd you always take sooooooooo long to get ready.” When we go somewhere, it’s: “You better let Dominique shower first, because she’s soooo slow.” Fleh.)

*insert video here*

In the hotel, not so long before we went out for dinner, my mother asked her mother: “Don’t you have something nicer to wear? Like a blouse or something?”

My sister jokingly said: “Damn.” 

I jokingly said: “You’re always (indirectly) dissing people.” (But I was dead serious.)

To me, she said: “I just asked her a question. I wasn’t dissing her.” 

I say: “You insinuate that what she’s wearing now is not good enough. But it is.”

She says: “No, I just asked her a question.” After that statement, I didn’t tell her that her argument is so subjective (and weak) it was pointless for me to continue standing up for my grandmother, who immediately started to search for a blouse to wear. Again, she solely focused on the (subjective) trueness of her answer and didn’t bother to understand my perspective, just like every other fleh has been doing, basically all my life. I don’t need this. 

But I need you. 

-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday May 12, 2018

16:59 (04:59 PM)

Ah screen staring

18:03 (06:03 PM)

Hi sweetie

What’s on your mind today?

I wanted to write this earlier, when I was sitting on a bench in the mall, but my father came back out of the store sooner than I expected – because he didn’t buy the SD card (it’s cheaper in the Netherlands) – with his eyes fixed on my phone screen, when he walked towards me. I bought a tripod in the same store. I’m all set for my escape plan :D. Okay, I have all the materials I need, I mean. I still need to re-upload my EP(isode)… It keeps giving me an error message while uploading, because the connection keeps dropping. I thought of uploading it when I’m in the Netherlands, but then it won’t be online in all stores on time. So I need to fix it today. I’ll tell you more about my escape plan and my day in a little bit. I’m going to take my laptop, calculator and other stuff I need to use, to “the main house” (I’m in the guest house now) so that I can make my mathematics test and work on my escape plan. x. 

22:22 (10:22 PM)

Make a wish!

I’m going to video record the rest of my update on what I wanted to tell you and go to sleep

I love you

-xxx-

22:45 (10:45 PM)

Oh, fleh. My fleh sister is in the guest house and when I left my aunt’s house, saying “good night”, she said: “Aren’t you staying until twelve?” It’s her 60th birthday tomorrow. I’m heavily sleep deprived, but I don’t want to give these people more gossip ammo. Also, my aunt is nice. 

Speaking of birthdays… We should re-celebrate my 21st birthday once I’m in The States. Getting to partying right away would be nice, but I need to catch up on sooo much sleep. A pyjama pool party with a lot of good diverse foods would be nice, though, *major hint*. I think you need some proper sleep, too. I’m going to put on a timer and take a nap now. 

23:53 (11:53 PM)

I could barely close my eyes, because my parents came back from bringing my grandmother back to my aunt, and started talking to me and arguing with my sister over a pair of shoes. I’m going to “be at the birthday turn-up” of my aunt for a few minutes and then head back to the guest house. x. 

02:00 (AM)

It was really nice that my aunt thanked me for being there at her birthday. 

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Friday May 11, 2018

12:24 (PM)

Something I’ve not been doing for a long time is fully explaining myself. I used to do it when I was very young, then I developed my “storytelling skills” around puberty, so I slowed down my speaking pace and focused on intonation. Now I’m back at speaking fast with a monotonous voice, since the moment I suddenly had to explain all of my life’s decisions, because my parents think I’m crazy, knowing the person I’m talking to will never understand my words and actions and is on the side of my parents.

That person is going to listen to my words only to judge me (so I used “complex words” on purpose), and will indirectly decide my career options and how the rest of “the community” will treat me. It’s like playing Russian roulette with a bullet in every chamber. Knowing that if you end up there discussing your case, they will never think of the exceptional case where you’re actually innocent. To the shortest questions I have the longest answers, consisting of only exceptions to basic answers. I don’t bother to try to explain it, because the chance someone will understand it is very small. They don’t teach you to understand non-basic concepts in school or on the news. I don’t want to answer any questions, but when I do (I never say: “I don’t want to answer your question,” or “I don’t want to talk to you.”..) I talk very fast and try to summarize it in the least amount of sentences possible.

For once, just now, I decided to explain one of my actions. I was asking my mother and sister if they were wearing “knob earrings” or if they had any needle shaped objects. They gave me their earrings, but they didn’t fit. (“Cliffhanger effect”.) I asked my mother if I could see what telecom provider was showing at the top of her screen. When she and my father’s friend got out of the car, I asked my father to call me on my Surinamese phone number for only a second. Since he didn’t even want to pick up when people from the Netherlands called him and he’s so (unnecessarily) cautious with his spendings, I decided to explain to him why I asked all of these questions. Mid-story I was already regretting still talking, since his “uhuh’s” were interrupting my words, showing that he had zero interest in why I was doing this.

Yesterday, when I was verifying my Lil Fangs YouTube account I’ll use to “proclaim” that I’m not missing, but breaking contact, I needed my Dutch phone number to fill out these verification codes. Of course, I didn’t say that it was for YouTube. I just said “I was doing some things on my Google account”, knowing that he wouldn’t ask questions about what things I was doing. I didn’t know if the SIM was from TeleSur or TeleG either, which is why I checked over what provider my mother was receiving her phone service. From checking it, I figured both companies go over the same provider. (One of the providers is a “dochterbedrijf”. (If you want to know what it means, I guess you’ll have to use a translator. I’m indirectly teaching you a little bit of Dutch. “Dochter” means “daughter” and “bedrijf” means “company”, but I think in English you don’t say “daughter company”, which is why a translator is needed.)  I tried opening the SIM-card slot of my phone with my mother’s and sister’s earrings, but I was afraid I would bend or break them if I would use more force to try to open them. I didn’t know if I had my Dutch SIM or my Surinamese SIM in my phone, and wanted to use the internet. For my Dutch SIM, using the internet costs €10 per megabyte… Streaming music with that would cost me a fortune… But yeah, when my father called me, I saw I put my Surinamese SIM back in.

What would you do if you were me, in this situation? I have some serious strategies for and solutions to societal problems. I know I’m the only one who can do it this way. I want to reach and inspire people, but in my home country I’m continuously portrayed as and treated like I’m unconscious and unstable. This is untrue. _______. (7)

The way these people treat me is so _______(8). I don’t know a suitable word or phrase for this, so I’m letting you pick one. Also, I had to find another “fill in the gap question”, because I didn’t want that answer to be answer number 7.

If you’re just tuning in, these gaps are part of project Nosce Te Ipsum, for your self reflection certificate and my research project. From your answers, I’ll “write you a personalized story”, which is Nosce Te Ipsum II. (I’m working on Nosce Te Ipsum I, II and III at the same time. The summary of all versions is basically done. I only have to write the elaborate versions. The summaries are either hand written or thought through, so hands off my computer files, I’m saying for nosy drama seekers (but that’s probably not you, my sweetniss (that’s a Cuddle word)).)
Answer 7 will be praised, because it’s my lucky number and I thank you for putting yourself in my shoes. 
I’m so tired of being treated so (8). The only thing these people ask me is “Where is everyone?”, if they catch me by myself. Sometimes, they ask me short questions about what I’m doing, but I know they’re just asking it to start talking to me. Every time I answer a personal question, I end up listening to a monologue. (That often consists of negative feedback, while they don’t know a thing about the things I’m doing.) They keep saying the things I do are not “gezellig”. A word that doesn’t exist in English, but it’s basically an adjective that means “having a good time”. To them, having a good time is talking shit and talking about messages spread by bad propagandists and then laughing as often as possible. They nudge me to say things like “I’m hungry,” “My toe is itching,” “The daughter of the aunt of your aunt’s father’s cat caught a mouse yesterday.” That last one was a slight exaggeration, but it’s really conversation on the level of the group conversations you have when you’re sitting in a circle in Kindergarten. And the far connection is also always the case. Sometimes my mother looks at me and changes the expression on her face, slightly tilting her head to one side, without saying anything, showing a slight smile. I always stare back at her when she starts to do this. I know some “mental advice” will follow. I want to say: “WHAT?” when she does this. You don’t do that to a person if you think he or she is not mentally ill. That “stare battle” invokes so much anger in me, especially because expressing the anger won’t be understood by her, the other people in my environment or the lousy professionals I HAVE TO talk to every week. When I’m talking about writing or making music, they talk about it as if I’m doing it because I can’t handle the mind. As if I need to do that to cope. They consider me a weak-minded person because they have heard me talk about suicide. Their ignorance is so disgusting. The most disgusting thing about it is, that if I would express how I really feel and how I’m really thinking, they would just start a fight and get me locked up, since they have this authority over me and these people like beef. I have an audio recording of my parents raising their voices at each other over some discussion about whose parking space belongs to what person in our street. I wouldn’t even start a conversation about a topic like that. They don’t understand that I’m so quiet because I just don’t give a fuck about their boring conversationg they call “gezellig”. 
Actually, I, earlier, wrote about telling you about the things I’ve been doing the last few days, but it will cost so much time… I figured filming myself talking about it would be easier. I need a tripod, because I need to use my phone as a reminder of the many topics I want to cover, and I value good “image” quality. I’ve filmed myself talking, with my phone, when I was in Republiek. I’ll upload it to my channel, too, but I know videos made with the front camera of a phone often aren’t of good quality. 
Maybe I’ll buy a tripod here, maybe I’ll buy a tripod in the Netherlands (on Monday). The tripod will also be a good reason to take my suitcase to my grandmother.
Something I don’t want to postpone telling you anymore, is that my entire trip is taken care of!!! That includes my ESTA :D. I’m sooo happyyy!!!!

17:08 (05:08 PM)

The resort we were driving to was deserted. It belonged to one of my uncles. A brother of my grandfather (who had about 12 siblings). When I spoke to him last year, he said that he was going to sell the resort and retire. 
About 30 minutes further away, there’s the “Brokopondo Stuwmeer”. A (big) artificial lake, that is used to generate power for the city. There used to be “maroon” villages there, but the government flooded them to make a lake that generates power for the capitol. Last year, we visited one of the “migration villages” in the forest. Today, we were actually going to a similar place, but everyone got ready too slow (and I had to wait to take a shower because one of my aunt’s house workers had to replace a lamp¿). Since that was “too far away”, there was decided to go to the resort to swim etc. Either my uncle sold it or he just abandoned it.

21:09 (09:09 PM)

I made quite some pictures and recorded a few videos today. I’ll upload everything (including the images of when I was in Paris) when I’m back in the Netherlands. There, the internet at home acts up often, but here it’s worse. The EP I keep trying to re-upload, but the connection keeps dropping during the process. I’m going to do that one last time right before I go to sleep, which is after I’ve uploaded this piece of text.

Good night, my Cuddle
-XXX-

[Songs in the “Ciao” playlist on Spotify: Go BoomTrap Dubai Shit]

Haha I just saw my tags get put in alphabetical order, so it turns into a puzzle. What was the “sentence” I made with the tags? (“Cognitive challenge”)

It’s still raining and I don’t want to make my laptop wet and slip (and break it), so I’m still “in the main house”. But I want to upload my music and have some privacy (my father did it again, leaning over next to me to look at my screen), so I’m going to sneak past these guard dogs and hope I won’t slip :D. It’s 09:55 PM now…

x

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Wednesday May 9, 2018

17:03 (05:03 PM)

Good afternoon

18:14 (06:14 PM)

I want to tell you so much, but every time I’m sitting next to someone and they keep looking at my phone screen. The top of the screen I’m writing on says “LilFangs.com” and I don’t want them to visit that URL (before I have left the country for good). 

Hmm I’ll just make a note on my phone and then copy and paste the text. I also still need to make a new YouTube account, by the way. I need a holiday from being with these people, because I have 0 time for myself now. FangTime hehe. 

But first, I’ll finish my cup of tea and swim a little. (They comment on me doing everything. I was getting the feeling I was using my phone too much.)

00:23 (12:23 AM) [For those who’ve just tuned in, I consider a new day a new day after I’ve woken up. That’s why the AM is still in this post. #Fangyism]

Fleh, I haven’t been able to finish what I wanted to say today either. Tomorrow, after the rum tasting, I have the afternoon and evening to myself. Then I’ll take care of all this. Luckily I’m done with my statistics test already, though. On Saturday I need to do my mathematics test. 

We didn’t go into the forest anymore, by the way, today. Because we needed to rent a van, but it wasn’t available. They’re afraid my aunt’s car will get stolen because it’s relatively luxurious. But now we’re maybe going on Friday. 

I’m going to bed. 

Good night, my love

-xxx-

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday May 8, 2018

21:31 (09:31 PM)

Good evening :]

How are you today?

I haven’t told you about the many things I’ve done yesterday evening yet. 

23:21 (11:21 PM)

I won’t get to writing everything down right now, because I’m now re-writing down the answers on my test on different paper, so that I can scan it. I can only do it today because tomorrow we’re going on a trip to the forest and the day after we’re going to a rum tasting (do you say “a” before rum tasting? Since I’m not sure, I would have written down “a rum tasting session”, because I know that is correct, but “session” sounds out of context..). Before Thursday evening, Surinamese time, it has to be handed in. 

I’ll write down everything in bullet points now, so that I won’t forget it tomorrow, but first, I need to write down this question that just came to mind: if a blind person would get high on truffles, what would the experience be like? 

Another question was: do deaf people read books more often? (Even though subtitles exist…)

I want to reach all of the masses, you see. I wonder if I can find a way to still let someone with a disability experience all aspects of Nosce Te Ipsum… I know I will. I just don’t know how yet. 

By the way, the artwork of my EPisode got declined, because I added “Nosce Te Ipsum EP(isode) 1” to it. Had I already told you that? But since my EP will probably be listened to after I’ve left for the United States, I have enough time to edit it. I guess I can’t escape Surinam earlier than I want to. 

  • ESTA
  • “Naaierij” audio
  • Yelling about exercising
  • Fries instead of fruit and tea
  • Tennis force
  • “A nap”
  • Showering in the dark
  • Dinner
  • LF on repeat
  • Time to write this and normal writing

-XXX-

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Monday May 7, 2018

07:20 (AM)

Good morning <3

How was your night?

I think I’ve slept about an hour in total. My father was watching a movie on his laptop, so the light reflections on the wall kept me awake. Then my skin and eyes started to act up so I was very itchy and after that, my father was snoring so loud I just couldn’t find the concentration to fall asleep. I just decided to listen to music, while attempting to fall asleep again, but wanted to write some and make an audio recording of the noise. I also closed the blinds, that were slightly opened, but that woke my father up a little, so his snoring isn’t as loud anymore. Also, it was raining at night. The sound of that was also very loud. I wanted to type: “But luckily the dogs were quiet this night,” but right then they started barking. Not as loud as when they “notice a threat”, though. The thought of sneakily emigrating kept me awake as well. I saw a very cheap flight I want to claim. But when I leave for it, my mother will still be laying in bed. My father too, maybe. So, I’ll just say I’m going to stay at my grandmother’s house for a while. “And this time, I’ll take more clothes, more entertainment and different pairs of shoes along.” 

Today, I’ll change the limit on my bank account and rescind their measure of changing it from a student account to a regular account. I hadn’t been receiving study financing for a couple of months, so they changed my account a few days ago. About three days ago, while I did receive study financing… Now I suddenly have to pay for having a bank account. I’m going to ask them to undo their action and after that, I’ll make the limit on the account higher, because for the first month, staying in the US will be more expensive. Since I’ll have to pay for my flight and my visum and stuff. 

I’ll also start working on the strategy for clearing my name, using the publicity I’ll get when I leave. And, even though I really don’t want to, I have to take a look at the statistics test. I need to make an overview of the chapters I need to look at to make the test. Or, now that I’m taking more time to make it, I could just start filling out the answers right away. That would save me some time… 

I’m going to try to catch some more z’s. (But first I’ll turn on the music, now that I stopped the audio recording, and Google my flame’s height.) x

10:31 (AM)

I haven’t been able to sleep, but I have changed my decision on where to stay. (What annoys me the most about my father is that he always turns on the light, either to wake me up, or because he’s going to do something for himself, not taking others into consideration. (Yeah, when I haven’t done the dishes (because I was studying until late), he turns on the lights (and rips away my sheets) to wake me up. When I go to the toilet at least two times per night (but actually I need to go way more often…), I slide my feet over the floor to “see” I’m not bumping against anything. Fleh^7. He just turned on the lights again after keeping me awake all night with his snoring. Fucking inconsiderate, as usual.)

A ticket to Washington is half the price of a ticket to Los Angeles. Also, my vanishing is going to be quite a drama. I better hide near President Trump’s house. Damn. The second time I checked, the lowest price for a flight was near €558. 

14:03 (02:03 PM)

I’ve fixed my issue by searching the flight via Skyscanner! On the one hand I’m soooooooo happyyy about this!! Especially after my cousin was getting on my nerves just now… Her, my father and I were sitting at the dinner table with our laptops, when she decided to turn on youtube to watch video clips. Her comments, man… I used to laugh about people negatively commenting (“joking”) on anything, just to fit in. I think it’s immoral, if I would be honest. But then I would have killed 80% of all conversations that reach my ears. She was saying things like: “Wow this woman knows no shame. Look at what she’s wearing…” Then my mother joined with her: “Ewww look at that yellow eye shadow! It’s so ugly!” Why? Why not just shut the fuck up if you have nothing to say? Why ridicule someone? For no reason… It’s not funny. During this ranting session, my father got called by my ex boyfriend’s aunt and uncle. I asked him why, and if he still gets in touch with them regularly. He didn’t pick up this time, because calling is more expensive from Surinam, he said, but apparently they regularly call to ask him how I’m doing. I just said “Oh, okay.” In my tone it was hearable I wasn’t enthusiastic about it. My cousin said: “Well, that’s very nice of them.” With a “you should be grateful” undertone. Yes, it’s very nice that they want me to be okay, if that’s what they talk about. But if you really want to know, you can also ask me personally. Our relationship was quite good, when I was still dating my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I would hang out with them when my boyfriend wasn’t around. But all the “Wow Dominique has gone crazy” bullshit was last year. (On my date of departure, it’s exactly a year ago (sort of).) What on earth are my parents telling these people… Do they think I still don’t talk…? My parents are most def still putting shit on my name if they still “ask me how I’m doing” a year later. I’m not dead, so the answer must be “””amazingly great”””. I’M NOT FUCKING INSANE. OH MY GODDDDD. WHY DO THEY KEEP TRUSTING THE WRONG SOURCE??? Is this what it feels like to have paparazzi spreading nonsense stories about you? If you decide to do so, that’s “fine”, but it’s also a very, very good motive for me to stay away from you, because I already know that if I’d see you, you’d treat me as if I’m not perceiving life “correctly”. Which I consider the greatest insult ever. They have never seen me done anything weird, so why do they treat me as if I’m acting weird? That’s why I isolate myself from them. We don’t have anything in common anyway. 

Anyway, I’m flying from the Netherlands to Iceland to Washington. Yay :D. I wonder if being Cuddles suddenly will be different in a positive way. It’s going to be very heavy, emotionally, so some cuddling would be nice. I feel sad already, because I know they’ll portray me as a personification of Satan and then still expect me to go back to them. Hell no. 

Anyway, I’m going to make a part of my test, until I get hungry, after which I’ll eat some soup and rice with fish and then continue making the test, depending on my answering pace. It’s best to just finish it today, then I don’t have to occupy myself with that anymore. Statistics. xxx

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Sunday May 6, 2018

19:29 (07:29 PM)

Good evening, my cuddle

How’s your day?

I swam a bit today, made some pictures of monkies in the trees here, packed, ate and listened to people’s conversations. I do that A LOT, by the way. But I often don’t mention it. 

Oof, I was helping with putting the luggage in my aunt’s car, when I got stung by a dozen ants on my feet. I have been having “bad luck” so often lately x_x. I hope I won’t have that when I sneak out again… “Sneak out” sounds very “rebel teenager”-ish, but that’s not me. All these flehs profile me like a problem child, but I just don’t want to be bothered by their shallow nonsense. I don’t want to talk to them, so spending time with them is even worse, to me. I don’t have “the rights” to do what I want, which is not having them in my life. And they say I give them trouble. Fucking forget me, and all your “problems” are solved. Bam. Then we’re both happy. Because I don’t actively talk shit. That’s why I stated that I listened to a lot of conversations. They make so many immoral statements and then laugh about it. I can’t act as if I enjoy the conversation, but when everyone is laughing, I attempt to laugh too, because I don’t want to be a buzzkill. If I were to speak my mind, I would say: “How can you laugh about someone else’s suffering?” Because that’s what ALL of their jokes are about, if you were to summarize them to a “fixed concept”. 

I have been translating all aspects and sentiments of life into “fixed concepts”. That’s why my existence feels kind of empty. Other people don’t see the fixed concepts. To them, every experience is new, even though they have seen the same concept a million times. I want to talk to people who oversee the same concepts. I can’t enjoy a conversation that consists of anecdotes I’ve heard a million times before. I always act as if I heard it for the first time, but while they’re telling it, I finish their sentences. They don’t notice it, but when they’re talking to me, they rarely finish a sentence without me as their backing vocal. My voice sounds very monotone when I do, because I don’t want the conversation to take place. The only reason I take part in conversation, is to shut up these fucking annoying psychiatric industry people. But now it’s pointless. I thought the blood test was a one time thing. I’m glad I didn’t take it, because otherwise they would have taken me in, with the cops and everything, right after we would have landed. 

So, Tuesday May 22nd, I should fly to Los Angeles. I don’t like “worrying people” (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S FAKE (they want to spend time with me so that they can talk about themselves. They don’t know a thing about me) AND THEY PUT SOOOO MUCH DIRT ON MY NAME. I’M A GOOD, RESPONSIBLE PERSON), but I guess I have to vanish again. Now that I’m thinking of it, I guess that’s my way to get an audience as well… I’m on social media now, and I have this blog I’m maintaining, but no one is reading it… If I would go missing, people would read my story… Then Nosce Te Ipsum would finally “come to life”. Liée! The only downloads of my book are downloads of myself, to see what it looks like… I have 0 people in my life I can directly talk about Nosce Te Ipsum with. I could tell them about it, but they don’t reason on the same level. If they would find it interesting, their conversation wouldn’t be so empty… They talk about things I used to talk about when I was ten. No joke. Then, it was new and interesting to me. Now it’s boring and predictable. I don’t understand why people at least twice my age (and my cousin who’s five years older than me… Omg the many ways in which she has hurt me all my life… And I have LITERALLY NEVER done ANYTHING to her… Fleh) can have these childish conversations and still tell me I don’t know anything and they have all the knowledge and experience in life, so I have to obey them. If they have gone to school and then have had the same job all their life, exploring only Surinam and Europe, what is life experience…? Nosce Te Ipsum is so much greater than that meaningless routine. 

So… I have said many times, that I want a new life, without a lot of (bad!!!) publicity. But there’s no other way than to just pack my bags and leave. 

If I would have a truly loving family, the process of leaving would go like this:

(Well, okay, actually, the line should have been: “A very special someone wants to do business with me. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Please allow me to *whatever the plan is*.” To which they should have replied: “Yes! I’m so happy for you! *Talks about the contents of the projects, because, as a loving relative, I would have already told you the ins and outs of everything, and this person would have shown genuine interest*”)

But now that they have forbidden me to do business (who the fuck does that!?!!???!!!! More about that is in the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum), I’ll show you a different best case scenario (that actually already isn’t a best case, since I’ll be “alone” , but anyway…):

Me: “Mom, dad, I have decided to pursue my dreams in the United States. I want to settle there, and from there see the rest of the world, while I focus on developing my talents and doing business, getting to know people (my Cuddles…) all across the globe.” (I’m so used to delivering entire statements… I know there are families where “the youngsters” just say: “Ay, I’m leaving,” and no drama follows.)

“How nice! I love that you’re making your own decisions. When I was your age, I did the same thing. People say it’s “dangerous”, but I’m glad you know that’s just a myth, too. If you need any assistance with your business activities, let me know. We could even fuse our businesses. What state do you want to move to? Of course I’m buying your house. Or do you prefer an apartment? And what car would you like to drive? Maybe we could celebrate the holidays in one of the other countries you want to visit.”

“Aw, dad, that’s so nice of you! Your independent thinking has inspired me to do the same thing. I was thinking, since you’re specialized in IT, you could maybe become part of the holding I want to start… One of the businesses is focused on IT infrastructure, webspace, artificial intelligence and many more technology related things. I already wanted to ask you this, but I thought you wouldn’t want to do it, because you’re older, and I would be the only one with veto rights in the organization… I want to move to Los Angeles. I’d like to move to a quiet neighborhood. The type of house doesn’t really matter to me. I’ve always wanted to drive a matte dark grey Audi RS7… But I don’t want to be a financial burden… It would be nice celebrating Christmas in Egypt, though.” 

“I know you want veto rights because you’re the only one overseeing the vision of your business… Etc. Etc. Etc.”

That’s how the conversation would go, in the most ideal situation. I know I wouldn’t be a financial burden. Especially now that my father, next to his many bitcoin generating computers and company tax fraud, wants to get involved in real estate and wants to start a separate N.V. here in Surinam. I’m going to search the translation of N.V. really quick…. It’s an LLC. He wants to start it here, probably it’s for the real estate company, but then he, as usual, doesn’t want the Dutch Tax Agency to know that he’s earning here. That’s why he wants to found the LLC. (“Limited Liability Company”… I think my audience would know what LLC means, right…? (Especially if you’ve just seen me look it up.)) They’ve already been looking at many pieces of ground here. I haven’t gone with. It feels like an insult, since they let me financially bleed to death for so long. 

They wouldn’t even let me do business with my “ex-professor” and every time I go outside, they say nonsense like: “Look out for rapists. I hope there won’t be any suicide bombers blah blah. People are crazy blah blah.” They are crazy for indoctrinating me with fear since I was a little kid. Also, they would want to make one of these: “What time will you be home? Where are you going? Who will you be meeting up with?” “agreements” I don’t want to make. Any answer I’ll give will be wrong. For 21 years that has been the case, so I don’t see that change suddenly. Especially when I say: “And my mind is 100% made up, when it comes to never seeing you again.” They thought “I was being crazy” when I broke contact with them for two months. It was a very, very conscious. I only got back in touch with them, because that was my only way to get out of the hospital. 

I’m going to sleep now. It’s 00:34 (12:34 AM). Tomorrow, I’ll give this website a big update, “while I study for my test”. I need to hand in a statistics test before Thursday…

Good night, sweetie

 xxx

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Saturday May 5, 2018

13:48 (01:48 PM)

I just had lunch at a “warung” (if I’m correct)? I made a picture of the street dogs who were chilling there. Revenge of The Nerds (The became the due to some autocorrect measure, but I want it to be The). My sister and… My cousin…? Are buying batminton rackets now. My uncle, his friend and I are waiting in the car. I talk about flehs a lot, but I think my uncle and aunt, whose house we’re staying at, are really chill. They don’t randomly insult you and then laugh about it. Also, I really like their lifestyle. 

15:12 (03:12 PM)

We just arrived at my aunt’s forest house at Republiek. I made some pictures of the environment. Later today I’ll swim, go to a casino and go to a birthday party. (I haven’t been at a birthday party in soo long… I feel kind of uncomfortable about it. I’m not that good at discussing things that don’t interest me anymore.) 

Soo my sister and cousin (??) are playing batminton and my uncle and his friend are talking outside together with the security guy (?). I don’t feel like socializing, but I don’t want to sit inside either… Man, some weed would have been great right now… Really. There’s this bench next to the lake, that just screams “smoke on me”. 

So, I’ll just fill up a glass and get ready to swim, was what I wanted to type, when, suddenly the rest of the squad arrived. I ate the rest of my telo (fried cassave with fish (and kousenband, but that’s not common (in the Netherlands))) and talked a little bit. 

I want to swim (and make pictures of my reflection in the very dark shaded water).

19:44 (07:44 PM)

We’re on our way to the birthday party now. I’m riding shotgun in my aunt’s car. My aunt is still at Republiek, though. I heard she’s going night swimming. I enjoyed swimming a lot. I was quite scared in the beginning, though, to be attacked by a water snake or a piranha or something. One of the often told anecdotes. The water is so dark you can’t see your own navel. You’ll see it on the pictures. It’s so dark because of the leaves, etc. The conversation was quite nice too. I was with my uncle’s friend and later my father’s friend, who’s also really nice, and my uncle joined. 

After swimming, I joined my father’s friend, in search of a “plantage” monument that had his last name on it. I took my camera along. We didn’t find it, unfortunately. I did take some pictures of the environment. 

After we came back, I made my bed and took a nap, for about 20 minutes. Well, I said I was going to take a nap, because I slept for about two hours the night before, just like the night before that. But I couldn’t fall asleep. So I “laked” in a few minutes, then I was able to sleep. I slept for only a few minutes, when the timer on my phone went off. I woke up so tired. I laid in bed from 18:35 until 18:55. Then I put another timer on for five minutes, because my parents told me they wanted to leave around seven. My mother opened the door right after the timer went off. She was going to take a shower and stuff, so I continued napping. After that I got dressed and put some make-up on. Now, we’re still on our way to the party. I’m going to take a little nap again. 

[Bad, bad news – Leon Bridges (?)]

Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum

V. Bonus Rebel

I had to find a way to proclaim that we are supposed to live a different life. Then, a magic sound gave me an epiphany. I’m kind of insecure about my voice, you see. But then I heard…

My favorite artist. His topics are so diverse. Politics, spitituality… 

How can I answer you openly…? 

So what I just did is sort of not allowed, right? Can we talk about this? I’m not in it for the money anyway. Tell me what you think. Tell me who you’re thinking of. Should someone carry a secret about love, just to survive the system?

I’m so happy to hear that. I’ve been waiting for that for a long time, and I think you too. Hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish all of our goals. I want us to live in true comfort. 

Aw, B, you’re so sweet. I miss you. It’s too bad they don’t allow us to be together. They have drawn their conclusions only based on what these flehs have said. They don’t even know the other side of the story. 

Exactly! And then there’s the fact that people depend on our intelligence, but they take us for granted. If we, one day, all would quit, they wouldn’t know what to do. We’re the true uncontested primaries. 

Aw, you’re always able to finish my sentences. I need to wrap this up now. It’s almost eleven and I still haven’t had dinner. Hmm… I still need to submit the EP before tomorrow… What to do…

Dinner first. Then I’ll be able to focus better, of course. Thank you for thinking along. I didn’t make this for the critics. I made it for those who are creatively intelligent. I need these cuddles, man. Hopefully this strategy works…

Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum

IV. Mad Fangs

What time are we leaving?

Where are we going?

I don’t care. As long as I’m with you. 
They don’t want me to clear my name. They like to see me suffer. Anything for good gossip. They have no other topic. But I’m getting tougher. 
You see, I thought, in a friendship, it was a given

To not put dirt on someone’s name

But I learnt they faked it

I’m trapped in a snake pit
I hate this

They never asked me

But in case you wonder

If I could go missing again

I would

Their presence makes me sick

Literally
I have nowhere else to go

But I ask you
What time are we leaving?

Where are we going?

I don’t care. As long as I’m with you. 
I want to be left alone

Fuck their fake worry

Let me clear my name

I’m in a hurry
I’m trapped because I don’t accept this

They ask why panic

I want justice for myself

I’m not a god damn schizophrenic
Wat ben ik?

They only talk shit

Dat ken ik

Eat all my food spice

Take me for granted

I could have been laying on ice

It’s like they planned it
They know I’m suicidal

They keep pushing me

Fuck their opinion

Fuck their pills
They say I’m doing better

Because they believe I’m taking it

That’s idiotic

I was faking it

I’m not crazy

So why antipsychotics?
I had to go through all that

Because I kept silent

Why should I talk back

If you keep insulting me
And suddenly

No one was hearing me

They tell me to think twice

While they’re going nowhere with their life

They don’t even know me

So don’t dare to give me advice

I’ve been alone for so long
I refuse my fate to be decided by people who lack the intelligence to understand me. 

My name is Daniëlle, not Dominique.

They don’t want me to be with you

They want me to stay with them

Why?

I’d rather get shot in the head

If I have to stay with them, I’m better off dead. 
Free Lil Fangs

We can alter the system

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