Online Diary

Propagandist Yays [Thursday, June 27, 2019]

07:28 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I have soo much inspiration for my new book, my meow ๐Ÿ˜€ . And I’m certain that you’ll love the preview I’m going to put online somewhere before the day I publish it – June 30th will be the date on which I release the book, to keep my “publishing cycle” semi-intact. There will be a Dutch and an English version ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The price of FangCatje will be upped from โ‚ฌ1 (what I said yesterday) to โ‚ฌ3,33 (“opening” sale price) and โ‚ฌ7,77 (after sale price), because I’m expecting as depressingly few sales as usual and my wallet is still quite empty. It will be sold on most platforms (this time again).

By means of taking proper care of myself in the meantime – for I have not slept last night – I will only be using my mobile phone for listening to music when I cycle to the store to buy some things for the cover later [I will be drawing haha].

I’ll be back again to tell you “good night” later and wish you an awesome day ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ #Cishes


09:10 (AM)ย 

I’m almost ready to give you my preview of FangCatje, my meow ๐Ÿ˜€ . (“My meow” is practically the same as “my n***ga”.)


11:57 (AM)

I have two PDFs ready now yays ๐Ÿ™‚ . Time to get to drawing the cover image and then I can do some with-the-last-money-I-have Twitter pre-marketing when I’m done. (And just hope that you prefer a video version and help me out with that because I’m kind of fucking tired of writing and so are you ???? ๐Ÿ˜€ )


20:03 (08:03 PM)

My previews are online ๐Ÿ™‚ . Here you can find the English version of FangCatje. Here you can find the Dutch version of FangCatje.ย 

This is how the rest of my day went:

This was me last night, starting to write FangCatje in Dutch (my native language)

I just couldn’t stop writing until I was at the point where I introduce the next chapter.

By the time I was here, the sun was already coming up.

After I finished the introduction chapter, I tried to sleep. I was tired, but still had too many thoughts flowing through my mind to fall asleep. So I decided to just eat some breakfast and start translating what I had written down to English.

Before I started drawing like I said in today’s 11:57 (AM) update, I headed to the store first, to buy new coloring pencils, an eraser and black paper.

Me thinking “I need an income and new clothing…” These clothes were too loose, but the most wearable (that also matches my newest shoes).

My face when I think of the chance of my propagandist strategy working out


I just felt like randomly taking pictures…

Do “we” still do this? 😂


This feels like 2012 (mime)

I cycled to Prinsenland because I had this feeling that I would have better options there. Then I happened to come across this:

The neighborhood semi-named after the Dutch king exists for 25 years now: Prinsenland. I’ve lived there from age 3 until I was 8. (I wonder how long Rotterdam Prins Alexander exists?) I wonder if the king is celebrating this…?

These were my best options

So I started the drawing process

Right is how I am on the outside and left is how I am on the inside (it’s basically extreme emotions of all kinds. You must have noticed them, if you’re a frequent visitor of my blog ๐Ÿ™‚ .)

My other websites et cetera are still unfinished. I’m exhausted, my meow. I can’t do this alone anymore ๐Ÿ™ . I hope that the way I’ll now pre-market the unfinished book FangCatje will tip the right people to take the right kind of action. In the end, for me it’s all about the goal I want to reach as a propagandist. There are much more beneficial and efficient ways in which I could work on this, but for that I need people to place more reactions on my post, share my content more frequently and join the debate about my many controversial actions. Am I a criminal for sharing my thoughts about death and killing? Do you think I am a schizophrenic? Are there any Graeyniss things I could do for you? ๐Ÿ˜€ Please, give me something. Let’s start this hype. I hope that it works.

I’m going to put the ads on Twitter now – if it works right away – and then get some much needed rest. I can’t wait to see the effect Twitter marketing has on my statistics 😻 . I’ll probably wake up to it. I hope you’re enjoying what you read here ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’ll be back again with a new post tomorrow.

I really hope that by saying sorry now, I can re-open the debate about me in 2017 and then link that to our justice system and then continue to speak of the economy et cetera. Please let me know your thoughts ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night in advance ♥ .


Online Diary

Spontaneous Spontaneity [Wednesday, June 26, 2019]

13:59 (01:59 PM)ย 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I was kind of starting to miss talking to you all day. And I have plenty of time now. I have a train ride of more than an hour ahead of me ๐Ÿ˜€ . I hope you’re as pleased by this spontaneous spontaneity as I am ๐Ÿ™‚ .

What I was doing before Starting to type this

My father’s “goodbye I’m going to work” kiss woke me up this morning.

I wonder what it does for him. I also wonder what my mother feels when she rubs my tailbone or other parts of my body. And what my grandmother feels every time she pinches my buns. Our conversations aren’t even that good that it leads to this type of ecstasy (elation, not drugs) where you thinking “We have such a good connection. I love you so much,” *gives hug* *gives Cishes* *et cetera*. It’s out of silence. Just like in Berlin ugh what an awful memory.

I say this because of the feeling I get every time I see my sister be her nudist self, thinking “She’s soo pretty meoww I wish she were my bed Catje…” She also spends so much time in her room with the blinds closed, but she defends my parents too much for me to be able to speak to her without getting hurt. Still I really want to take her with me when I go to Antwerp ๐Ÿ™ .

That we’re going to visit Egmond with the family this Summer, brings back so many memories. The last time we were there I was about 10 years old. I remember us sharing a bunk bed there, giving each other notes at night, asking each other what we know and think about the concept of “sex”. That happening is a very sensitive topic to me, now. Our parents are too childish/proletarian to be considered good educators regarding this topic. I didn’t find it easy to tame my feelings of arousal. But I am fully tamed now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Especially after having experienced how non-sexy the world is.

I’m going to upload this now and then continue to tell you about my day. I’m currently in the train to Amsterdam.


14:32 (02:32 PM)ย 

Always when I wake up, I feel like eating a luxury breakfast. That’s the type of specific hunger I have on a moment like that. But we don’t have that type of food in the house. Not because we can’t afford it, but because my parents prefer cheap luxury. That’s kind of depressing. What is even more depressing is that I wake up with thoughts like that every day. We’re all going to die one day anyway, you feel me?

So I kept falling asleep and waking up, until my mother screamed me awake from downstairs around 12 PM. She came back with a rental van, from bringing “her” car to the dealer.

My addiction to Spider Solitaire (ahahahah it’s soo severe) kept me glued to my bed until I had only 25 minutes. I decided to take the bicycle to the train: I don’t depend on fixed departure times, it’s cheaper, some body movement, less superficial conversations and crying babies in my ears, et cetera.

To be there, at the private Surinamese psychiatrist/psychotherapist in Amsterdam, before 3 PM, I had to leave around 13:13 with the metro to catch the 13:35 train. It’s 15 minutes to the train station with the bike. But the microwave, warming my first meal of left overs of the day, said “beep [aka it’s done]”, around 13:20. I arrived at the train station at 13:40, with the feeling that I ate way too fast.

The next train left at 14:05, so I decided to go to the mall next to the station andย  visit the supermarket to buy a bottle of water and something to snack. Inside the mall, I saw that the supermarket is being renovated. So I went to the drugstore-ish shop (drogisterij, Kruidvat) and bought a little bottle of water and a pack of nut bars. I’ve taken my writing of self-analysis from when I was in the crisis center with me. Now I need to switch from the train to the metro. I’m almost there xxx.



17:00 (05:00 PM)

Some Yays

My therapist has restored some of my hope, my meoww. That’s what these yays are for ๐Ÿ™‚ .

We re-initiated the analysis of my emotional brain today. I so love the educational aspects of our conversation. Another painful piece of admittance is that I knew that he is the conversationalist therapist I’ve always needed. But I ran away from it, because I thought that if I wouldn’t have any therapist at all, I could have a higher chance of being treated like a normal person. Experience has taught me that with or without a therapist, people will feel the need to speak to me in a pejorative tone. [But only in this way, right now instead of on my mother’s initiative in the past, I show you I’m not incompetent.] And of course, with my IQ, I’ll never be “a normal person”. Like he said, intelligence comes with a sort of social barrier. (I’m tired of (trying to) adapt to people who don’t have the capacity to understand me ๐Ÿ™ .)

Him saying that I’m still in the first phase of my life was an eye-opener. I didn’t look at life as four phases of 25 years. I see/saw-ish [need to try to convert to this new view now] it as: childhood -> “pre-education” -> higher education -> work life -> retirement. But 4 phases of 25 years is a much less depressing view. Though I want to establish a fully independent, not living in a student room type of life, before I’m 25. Because I want to write real history,ย  my meow… And I don’t want to slow down on that. But being this wild Catje on the internet is not going to bring me that greatness, I see. Though there are many people who are considered great for who they are on the internet. (I want to be great beyond the internet anyway.)

An interesting notion he made was that he would trust someone who doesn’t put everything online sooner than someone who puts everything online. I’m aware of that. In the end, we are somehow all taught to believe that. I had a similar view, too, before I went missing. Now I’m using this to persuade you to change the view you were given about me. I attempt to show you my bias I have towards people and things as much as possible, stil. (Otherwise I would be typing in all caps-lock always.)

I do this consciously. Think of what people would be confessing about themselves if they would actually put everything online. And think of what they have to offer in actuality. I hope to revolutionize business culture and do not intend to suddenly hide all of the “sins” I have confessed here. I hope you’ll love the full package my meoww. Because the non-traditional non-conformist expressions of me you can read here, are written with the intention of starting an actual revolution.

I want to guide your hidden anger, my meow. I want us to destroy the system, so that we can replace it with something better. I don’t say this often enough: I’m a still propagandist, after all.

And I’m soooooo happy that they are actually open to hear the self-analysis I’ve written down!!!

Meow I keep this vague because I haven’t asked for official permission to share this here. I hope that will come in the future, because I so don’t like that this blog is all me.

Gotta cycle ay be right backk xxx


20:51 (08:51 PM)

Another thing I like about today is that I now have homework that is fun: finishing my self-written self-analysis. I wasn’t planning to publish anything on the 30th of this month, too. But now I think I actually will release something ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m thinking of publishing my self-analysis for โ‚ฌ1. And maybe also selling a version on print, but that would then be me heading to the print shop to let a stack of books be printed as an investment, hoping that you’ll buy it. I won’t fang anyone in this self-analysis.

I hope this doctor Catje – semi-anonymous maybe until we have reached the topic of this online diary and he finds this yay – would like to be one of my co-writers in SchizoFangia. For SchizoFangia, I want to take more time before I publish it. It’s another one of my big projects. FangCatje is a little essay-ish something I’ll publish on the 30th ๐Ÿ™‚ .

And whoever may view my medical record now, basically, because I have consciously decided to not sign the privacy notice his assistant handed me at the start of our session. If doctor Catje now gives me any diagnosis that is not schizophrenia, I finally have proof of the truth I’ve been trying to tell you for so long. That in 2017 was not a psychosis, I am telling youuu.

When I left the location where our conversation had taken place, I thought of visiting my Jam Catje and his main Catje. But so much has happend meow I’m scared to get hurt again ๐Ÿ™ . We still have blocked each other. The friendship I want just includes a lot of Cishes and cuddling my meoww (he really shouldn’t consider that a taboo because we are “family”. Why block me meoww ).

Meowss I’m going to eat part 2 of dinner and start writing. I’ll be back here to tell you my pre-bed thoughts and tell you good night, when I go to bed. So see you later ๐Ÿ™‚ .


23:39 (11:39 PM)ย 

Meoww currently I’m a bath Catje.

Self-spoiling yays. That’s some “Gold” tea, a glass of water, soft cheese (forgot name), a mix of nuts and and a handful of M&M’s.

I haven’t started to write FangCatje yet. I’ve been reasoning out its structure and introduction. Tomorrow I will start writing – so I will be less elaborate in my diary (and also I don’t feel like going to the bank anymore).

The movie that was on during dinner was just too intriguing. Another bit of hope. I was so glad to see the movie Nightcrawler on Veronica (TV channel). It shows the shadiness in the news industry.


Though – I haven’t watched it until the end because I still don’t have the non-irritableness to watch movies (it’s still too barbaric for meยฟ the immoral actions that are considered “good” or “funny”) – I heard that the fraudulent main character of the movie, creating fake news, had a “good” end, because his news company expanded. That’s a bummer.

Meoww I wonder how my mother would be if she’d live in my system. She’s so unnecessarily insecure about her intelligence, in the way she expresses herself. Probably because her secondary education was some levels lower than the one my father(ยฟ I still don’t know), sister and I have followed a level that was a little higher. But – especially because discrimination was even more allowed back then – that doesn’t mean that she is less intelligent than my father. Her father had a status to protect and his mother was a social warrior (sending threatening letters to the school, saying that his primary school should give him an advice for a higher level of education (gymnasium instead of VMBO, basically).

Having spoken with her today about how she’s still interested in studying art history, makes me think that my Volta will be good to her. But no more emotionally hurting me then ๐Ÿ™ . Because otherwise I’ll stay fangy on this blog of mine.

Meoww everyone has such a special place in my heart. But I feel so let down by them. And often I think that it can’t be restored or improved. The way I still keep unnecessarily fatiguing myself, trying to keep telling everyone what they wish to know, makes me feel that I deserve a type of treatment that is soooooo much better.

But when I say things like that, I often get a “how dare you,” in return. When someone does something like that to me, I tend to watch my behavior so that I never do something like that again. In my 22 years of existence that has happened so often that I now am one big chunk of overthinkingness. Being aware that this is a result of bitch ass external factors, feeds my aggression. I have stopped correcting people in person a loooooong time ago.

That sums up my pre-bed thoughts. I’m going to soak a little more, maybe write down some more thoughts and later go to sleep. I’ll tell you more about how I plan to sell FangCatje tomorrow.

Good night ♥


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Long-Denied Admittance [Tuesday, June 25, 2019]

Good evening ♥

Do you know that situation in which you keep holding on to something because you want it to thrive so gladly, but it doesn’t happen? I didn’t know that just quitting to believe in it feels so relieving. I thought that it would lead to an “I told you so,” but that’s not even possible, because me quitting to believe that some sort of societal improvement is possible, is me admitting that I’ve lost hope for most of the people on this planet. Those who want to tell me “I told you so,” should tell themselves “Now there really is no hope for me anymore.”

Haha say Whaaaaaaat

I didn’t know that it would feel as a relief. If you knew how much effort I was planning to put in to simplifying the revolution I have in mind and making sure that everyone has an equal chance on a better life 😂 . Haha fuck that. Save yourselfffff. I have neglected myself for so long for you fucking idiots. My only problem now is that I still really need to be with the people in power, because I know that they hate society in the exact same way as I do. We’re all faking our hope and positivity about society 😂 .

Having said that out loud for the first time in three years or so did make me realize a burden: I’m still stuck with so many costs for all of this bullshit.

My level of intelligence is still far above average, my meows. I can only learn from over-experienced Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™‚ . This makes me have such mixed feelings about studying in Antwerp. (Another burden. But still better than having nothing to do here in this house and having to endure the most frustrating situations ever.)

Haha yepp this is a 180° flip of The Fangs you have been seeing all of this time. But “This place is hopeless. You’re all a bunch of fucking losers. That’s a fucking fact,” was The Fangs I was before I became The Fangs. (You can still get immunity by being a good person underneath, my Angel. I’m just non-physically-violently destroying some demons here.)


Now I will tell you how I came to this point, with a lot of side-stories, images and tweets.

How we got to Lil Grrrrrrrr

Last night, I shared some example sentences in a Twitter response and shared many thoughts.

“Vraatzucht”, for example, implicates that someone eats like a pig, while “gluttony” has a more innocent meaning.”

“Where-o-where can I express myself without hurting someone else? I’m clearly still holding back.”

Many people still don’t have a clue of what I exactly do. (Not even of the influence I already have. And I still haven’t even started yet.) Some think that my Dutch is bad and that English is my first language. Some find that I disdown (“verloochen”) my native language for speaking English. I speak English because its vocabulary suits my difficult-to-eplain situation better and I still want international attention for the legalized forms of fraud in this country, among other things.

Things like this. I got low grades for history (and other subjects), because I give my opinion in my answers. I’m also very curious about mister Baudet his views on nationalist propaganda like the “Dutch Golden Age”.

I seek those who already know my life by reading all about it (and more). I’m not really interested in anyone else. But it feels like you admitting all you’ve already heard about me and me suddenly being so open over everything that I post here is such a big step emotionally. But we all know that life will be a lot more fun if we can all be open the way I am open on this website of mine ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Let’s build a village together or something ๐Ÿ™‚ .

If I study mathematics I’ll at least have something to do every day… But I wish to never be a numbered sheep in the large flock of students anymore ๐Ÿ™ . I’m too special meoww ๐Ÿ™ . (Don’t tell me I’m wrong for saying that.)

“If I’d be completely honest, I can’t come near any proletarian anymore. I’m such a strong believer of Fangyism, in which proletarians are obsolete.” Because I hate society soooooo muchhh and I still crave a real challenge ooh my gohohohodddd. (And that real challenge is not a bachelor program, my meow ๐Ÿ™ .)

But then the heat kept me awake and my mind started to replay all kinds of awful memories…

Need Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .

I curse this health care system. And I know you’re still watching me anonymously. Give me some Cishes please ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m still that same Fangs.

I’m tired of not having any real fans ay. I only have a bunch of people looking, but no anticipation ๐Ÿ™ .

Leg me dat alsjeblieft uit.

I bet he also hates society the way I do.

Because most people are sooooooo fuuucking dumb oh my god it makes me so fucking aggressive. Especially because they act as if they’re not fucking dumb.

Always overthinking thing like this ah meow I need a sweet and intelligent boyfriend who can distract me with Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .

“If I didn’t choose mathematics, I would choose classical languages (Latin & Old Greek) ๐Ÿ™‚ . I prefer learning something I know the least about. (As in studying history, economics or geography or something is mostly just cramming large chunks of text into your head. Mastering mathematics and classical languages require practice.) But most gladly I would just be lectured personally, by people from a large range of fields I can ask questions.

My alarm went off at 8 AM. It felt as if I hadn’t slept at all. I snoozed it until 08:40 AM. For this hot week, I decided to wear airy clothing and shave my legs for it. (Though I prefer getting it waxed by a professional… Shaving is almost free.)

I arrived at Bavo Europoort at near Voorschoterlaan at 09:50 AM. The appointment started at 09:30 AM, but I had texted my case manager that I was going to be a little later, before I hopped on my bike, at 09:30.

In the waiting room, I checked my morning statistics.

I reached Canada again 😻 .

I get some satisfaction from seeing statistical improvement.

The conversation started with that the psychiatrist – who I haven’t seen since somewhere mid 2018 – has written a referral note for me. Now I can get a second opinion in Amsterdam. I’m glad that I didn’t have to get that note from my physician, because I would attack her on sight. The way the Dutch healthcare system works is so frustrating.

I told my case manager and the experience expert that I’m planning to sign up for Antwerp. They responded positively and we spoke some about that. About the subject and studying abroad et cetera. And that I have no clue how my parents feel about me wanting to study in Antwerp. And that I feel bad about leaving my sister alone with my parents.

Then I was asked how I’m dealing with dr. Crutzen his denial of being the voice in my head. I said that I didn’t have any trouble with him denying that he is the voice in my head in the presence of my mother and her friend. [I wouldn’t admit either.] I’m glad that he still promised me to help me on my career path. [Though the fact that he hasn’t responded to my last e-mail is quite depressing.] And that I can depend on myself a lot more if I have a degree in mathematics.

Then I was asked if I still hear dr. Crutzen’s voice in my head and I replied “No. And psychotic/schophrenic does not apply to me.” [I actually do still hear his voice. It has been with me for over two years now and has never faded. But I have no incentive to discuss this with anyone who believes in antipsychotics.]

Then I was asked how the situation at home is and I replied that there have been no fights and that there are visitors frequently. (I prefer calmth in my house. Not even the sound of television.) It’s hard to explain why my situation at home is such a burden to me. Most people just see a piano and that we go out for dinner very often and then think that I’m spoiled and complaining. If I can rent a room in Antwerp – we spoke about my finances for a while – I won’t be bothered by it anymore. But then my sister will be further brainwashed by my parents ๐Ÿ™ .

My case manager left because of other duties and I was alone with the experience expert, then. She asked me some questions about what it’s like to aim for greatness, hide so many emotions, having to carry your past with you all the time and finding the right therapist. I told her that studying in Antwerp will be the solution to it all, because my social environment here is my greatest problem. And that the things such as my grandfather’s passing and the way many narcissists have destroyed me emotionally are things I do want to talk about with someone. I also want to tell the world my side of the story about me going missing, in a video broadcast. But I want it to be recorded in a film studio, because I like to show myself from my good side. But my parents won’t appreciate it if I tell my side of the story.

Then, somehow, I felt like I just had to say that I’m aware that my aim for greatness is impossible, like many people have said. I want to be known for being a revolutionary, but most people don’t want to see me be that great. Especially not after I’ve gone missing.
I thought that admitting it would feel very bad for my sense of pride, but my feelings were practically the same, aside from the little relief I felt from saying what I knew all along.

I asked her about how she has become an experience expert. Then I learnt that there is an education program at an MBO school where people are educated to be health care experience experts. Another eye-opener.

Then she asked if I have any further questions and I said “No.” Then I told her that I might still see her before her internship ends – for the assistant of the psychiatrist in Amsterdam wants (after having spoken to my mother) someone to keep tabs on me here my god I can’t wait for Antwerp – and went home. (It’s really chill writing “then… then… then…” even though that’s “against the rules”.)

I want some Cishesss.

When I came home, I ate my first meal of the day.

And I posted this image on Twitter:

I slept for a very long time, after having come home. I always feel kind of fucked up after a session.

When I woke up, I felt this strong “I wish I were leaving for Antwerp already,” feeling. I need a challenge meowww. A real challenge.

From experience, I already know that a bachelor programme is not the challenge I need. It’s just a formality I need. I REALLY don’t want any tutoring. It’s kind of frustrating that there is no common way I can be challenged the way I want to. I hope you’ll make an exception for me, my Graeyniss.

Always like to do favors

If you buy anything premium at Canva, if you hadn’t found it via your favorite search engine yet, let me know ๐Ÿ™‚ . My pockets are still empty.

I really wonder how she found my blog post. I, indeed, did not backlink the site. Did she find it because I used the word Canva? Can I get e-mails from businesses and people whose name I use in my blog posts just like that? ๐Ÿ™‚ Because then I’d say: Victor Geskes, Benoรฎt Crutzen, Donald Trump, Thierry Baudet, Mark Rutte, Sander Renes, Lorenzo Dal Maso, all of my favorite artists, Twitter, Google, Facebook, Instagram, everyone who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia because of all of this meddler nonsense and my frequent non-anonymous blog visitors *swings magic wand* 😏 ♥ .

Respect is free, like this profuse blog.

Seriously. Please tell me how you found my blog. All of you.

Haha I’m going to try to reason my heartache away, as time goes by and tomorrow I have an appointment with my second opinion therapist in Amsterdam.

I hope to see you here again tomorrow xxxxxxxxx

Luv y’all ♥

Online Diary

Wishing in Wistful Vexatiousness [Monday, June 24, 2019]

What’s good, my meow? โ™ฅ
[ = “How are you doing?” ]

Here I am, back again with anotherrr diary post. Hoping that someone notices and publicly acknowledges my extraordinary potential.

People often ask me what I do and what I want. I guess my past writing hasn’t made that clear enough. (Just kidding haha they don’t even read me.)

I’ve also been hesitant with telling you my actual dream, because people say that what I want is impossible, every time I just give them a hint of what my ambition is. It hurts me when someone tells me that what I desire is not achievable, while I haven’t even received the opportunity to try it yet.

Being forced to take antipsychotics again because of my self-expression is what I fear. That’s why I haven’t shared this here in detail yet. But my dream is so awesomeee 😻 . (And you’ll see how much it suits exactly these days.) There must be people out there who do believe that anything is possible. I dedicate this (rapid because I was cooking and now it’s almost 9 ๐Ÿ™ ) description of my dream future to you:

The Fangs in Action

Many “inexplicable” natural catastrophes have been happening. It indicates that the end of the Dutch empire is near. The dykes will flood soon. Powerful Graeynissis will be in need of their personal Goddess.

The doorbell rings. I open the door and face my main Catje, who is wearing a black suit and a deep red tie. There are two security men behind him. His hands express nervousness. He says something like: “The end is near. We need you, my Goddess,” but then more loving and sexy.

He takes me to a conference room that looks like this:

Picture made by Thgusstavo

A lot of big business leaders are present. I sit at the head of the table and tell them how we are going to work together during these days. We form a cartel of all legally operating business entities. (Things like that being forbidden don’t matter anymore if we all risk to die.)

I then become the propagandist of all innocent people who will be blamed for the catastrophe the world is facing. I hold a speech for the world, saying that we will have to be strong blabla and give them survival instructions.

When all Dutch not illegally operating business entities are fused under the name of D.O.C.I.S. International, we do the same for every other country in the world. Starting from those who depend on the Netherlands the most to lesser, because the country can start to flood at any second.

The next day, I wake up next to my main Catje. We are preparing for the evacuation and are entitled to leave first, for we are the new leaders of the world. The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning decides who gets to live where.

And then the Fangia (D.O.C.I.S. Interational’s currency) is introduced et cetera ๐Ÿ™‚ . And what children in school will learn will be: “There once was a system that was kept intact by bad people. That system collapsed because they were bad. With creativity, we can build a much better world.”

It’s sooo feasible, my meow 😻 .

Other Feels

Meooow I want to do something like that. What education program suits that dream? PoliBusiEcoMatheGeoNONE. But I’ll study mathematics in Antwerp, if I keep living days wishing in wistful vexatiousness, without money do to anything. I’m going to sign up on July 1st ๐Ÿ˜€ . Does anyone have an apartment for me there? ๐Ÿ˜€ (I’d rather go to Harvard or something (though I fear the competition and I am not a promising student at all because I don’t like to obey meoww I want to write books and learn what I feel like learning hehe but I’ll obey now because I’m getting too old for this and I still want at least one PhD), but my parents don’t want me to study abroad. (Remember what happened when I wanted to follow a Summer course in Atlanta?) I hope I can settle studying in Antwerp with DUO… (Jaaa echt fucking onnodig eigenlijk, die studieschuld. Maar ik kan dat gezeik over geld echt niet meer aan.)

Here are today’s example sentences:

Project Nosce Te Ipsum is an INTRICATE project with many layers.

Fangyism is mistaken for a DRACONIAN doctrine.

We should THWART the dykes from flooding naturally due to human recklessness. (To keep control over our own fate.)

To CULL a partner is not easy.

D.O.C.I.S. International is still in an INCHOATE state.

I will post more of them on Twitter later.

Today’s highlight tweets:

There are tooo many insane racist motherfuckers like that in this country. I want to live somewhere far away from this.

Ba dum tsssss.

I’m melting meow give me money please ๐Ÿ™ .

And I uploaded my manuscripts to the Royal Dutch Library today ๐Ÿ™‚ . Tomorrow I have another conversation at the “VIP team” [ = “Vroege Interventie Psychose” = “Early Intervention Psychoses”] meow I’m so ashamed that this is still happening and it’s not what I need ๐Ÿ™ . I need Antwerp, because this continued ineffective psychiatric supervision is the result of the parental supervision I never needed. It has been a bad influence forever. What six-year-old says “holstrontverklontering”. I didn’t know that it’s not normal to say, because I hear shit like that every day.

Lol help.

I’m going to eat some more ๐Ÿ™‚ .

See you tomorrow, around 9 PM ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

The featured image is made by Artem Beliaikin.

Online Diary, Popular Posts

Craving Comfort [Sunday, June 23, 2019]

Good evening ♥

I hope you’re having a nice weekend. Especially because I’m enjoying mine less than I want to. (And when it comes to my mind working overtime always, I don’t experience “weekend”.) On the one hand, I don’t want you to feel how I feel, because the feeling is awful. But on the other hand, if you feel the same, I am not alone in this feeling and our embrace will feel sooo goood 😙 . That’s the reason why this diary is public. It’s my only escape from here. If you anticipate on what I tell you, life will become better for the both of us. The life that suits me is nothing like what I’m currently experiencing. The same goes for you.

But if you want to read something uplifting, don’t read this… If you’re depressed as fuck, like me, you’ll find much recognizable things here.


I ended up still testing out my new workout shoes, yesterday.

I really appreciate the basketball court/soccer field right behind my house, when it comes to that. And my new shoes feel great for all sports purposes, and run much more comfortable than my old basketball shoes. I can’t show you how I run or anything, though, because I’m always by myself. (Plus, I wouldn’t know if I’d ask someone to film for me, if that person prefers me to look bad or to look good. I hate to be disappointed… (You really don’t want to end up on my “Who to kill” list.))

[Never being proud of myself is another symptom of my scapegoatness. It’s hearable in that video. And everything else I do basically. I need Cishes meow ๐Ÿ™ .]
Doing so many things I used to do with other people, now by myself for over two years, makes me feel a strange form of grief along with everything I do. [Because I’ve been feeling grief for so long already, mourning does not add much to that anymore. A little less, every day.] Not because I miss the people I used to spend time with. On the contrary. I’m alive for over 22 years and have still never found a person who really is like me, with whom I can spend time. I need someone who feels the same about life as I do. Because I’ve been a scapegoat all my life, genuine mutual judgment is one of my most serious needs.

Craving Comfort

The comfort I seek is not satisfied by just anyone’s attention. I feel people want attention from me, so that they can tell other people how their interaction with me was. More often negatively. Though this is not that obvious, I’m a familiar face, after all. It’s why I tend to avoid most people. Also one of the many reasons why I don’t pick up the phone.

Ahaha and look who is a contact in my phone 😢 #LonelyCatje

And especially after that anonymous call [I really doubt if that was real HR], I detest phone conversations. My trust issues deservedly become worse every day.

I must say that receiving attention from me is a privilege. And currently, the wrong people are getting that. Think of all of these lonely Graeynissis who have the weight of the world on their shoulders, who I could be helping out ๐Ÿ™ . I could give you a second youth, my meowww.

Meanwhile the way I am open about how I feel about sex and relationships is mistaken for me wanting sex from people who are not an asset to my life? I want to become entitled to say what may and may not happen on every piece of land in this world (sort of by any means possible, but I don’t want new traumas).


I was taken over by that feeling of wanting to destroy everything again (something that has to happen anyway man these fucking old shitty buildings will collapse anyway), after I blocked someone after he unblocked me to again tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. Leave my heart alone, you sexy tall trapped in cultural prison cute individual 😢 . I hadn’t had a conversation that made me feel so good (before we blocked each other), in such a long time 😢 . Also sucks that it was online.

When I’m hurt like that, I want to scream in the loudest way possible. So I took it to Twitter, in my native language:

“The internet is playing games with my heart 😢 . As if real life hasn’t been doing that enough 😢 .”

“Most of you can go to hell.” Referring to those who hurt me because it is their demonic personality. Slightly insulting me and then making me crave their approval. If they die, I won’t need their approval anymore ๐Ÿ™‚ .

“Who can’t go to hell? I don’t know? Who hasn’t hurt me? Currently, it’s more “Who can I still forgive?”

“At some point the individual and collective measure are full.” I’m so done with all of you playing games with my heart. Just be open to me. I hate being treated like a fucking alien to aliens. ALIEN TO ALIENS. ALIENSSSSS. ACKNOWLEDGE MEEEEEEE.

“Every time I say “save me”, I mean that I should be deported from the house I live in. These are far from normal living circumstances, I have tachycardia and an aortic insufficiency, I am an unplanned child raised by old children ( = my parents), I’m a destroying-the-system-a-holic.”

“The “greatness” of my identity on the web and my identity in real life, unmatch so severely. Preferably, I wouldn’t even show you my surroundings, because I am so ashamed of them.” Look at my featured image meowwww.

This could have been us but you playin’ meowww. This image is made by Roberto Nickson.

Et cetera. Please follow me on Twitter, by clicking here and then clicking “follow”, my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Example Sentences

I find entertainment in improving my English. And I love reading example sentences and acting as if it is someone who knows me so very well, comforting me. Now, via a Twitter friend [@cam14uche], I’ve found a good vocabulary builder.

I love making example sentences myself, too. Here are some. Some are from my response to his vocabulary builder tweet, some I made on the spot. I’d love to do this for an online dictionary. (Or my online dictionary? ๐Ÿ˜€ Let’s all fuse ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

His ANECDOTAL way of lecturing was very intriguing.

Any PECCADILLO should be addressed, to make sure that no one is stuck with an unnecessary sense of guilt.

They asked for her passport to ADDUCE her identity.

Many members of the organization practiced CHICANERY to increase the sales of their bad quality products.

Innocent GUILE was used to surprise you with a much more enjoyable fate.

If the Netherlands flood, that means that all property on its soil will be DEBASED.

Years of continuous scapegoating has turned her into an insecure NAYSAYER.

The Nosce Te Ipsum survey is used to EXTRAPOLATE The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning.

We are PROFUSE in the way we share our content.

Her SCRUTINY makes her only see room for improvement in everything and makes her enjoy life less.

Those who pretend to do everything by the book speak of themselves as honest and REPROBATE creative minds who want to show an alternative perspective in an alternative way.

The FOOLHARDY decision making of many, can seriously damage our environment.

The HAPLESS will become fortunate.

ASPERITY has become the current standard in society.

My projects will SATIATE every single one of your needs.

Though we were born miles apart, we are CONSANGUINEOUS.

Intelligence is CONGENITAL.

To lie about someone else is so very JEJUNE.

Acrobatic dancing and fireworks sealed the GNARLY performance.

The Nieuwe Maas BIFURCATES into the Hollandse IJssel, the Lek and the Noord.

Natural brain-to-brain communication is a PRODIGIOUS event.

The crowd acting demonic towards is us an ANOMALY.

Those who disrespect The Fangs will be DEFENESTRATED.

Those who PLAGIARIZE should be punished more severely.

The NEXUS between why he has a Nexus One and drives a Lexus, are linked to his orientation.

There will be a save haven for those who are positively ATYPICAL.

The Dutch Golden Age is considered a HALCYON for some.

I was pleased by his PERSPICACIOUS notions.

To unveil the hidden nexus between our economic, legal and political system, we will make a FORAY.

I was NONPLUSSED when Victishe started a conversation with me. [And then I spent too much time overthinking my response and behaved inappropriately ๐Ÿ™ . I want Cishes sooo badly fain gladly 😻 .]

4 minutes until publishing moment lol.

I reached Canada last night :D. I reallyyyyy wonder howwww???

& today’s before 9 yays

Good month. Though I wish to see all-red… And then organize a party ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I’ll be back here tomorrow at 9 PM Amsterdam time. And I’m tired of faking post view ay.

Ciao ♥

Images, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Awesome Turbulence [Saturday, June 22, 2019]

Good evening ♥

If you’re a frequent visitor, you must notice a much needed difference: the front page now has full posts on it, instead of excerpts. I considered my posts too long to be shown in full on the front page. But the excerpts of 40 words were just the first 40 words of my posts. I think full posts on the front page make it more attractive to read what I write here daily.

My content is quite radical, so it feels like a big step having everything visible on the front page. But I love the thrill of that already 😻 .

Today’s content is written differently than the last few days, because of that. I’m back to writing posts, instead of statuses, but will unveil another layer of what I’m hiding. The layered personality that I am.

Trippy Nightmare

I fell into a very deep sleep after laking last night. The nightmare I had in it has taught me some interesting lessons. I would love to share it with you, which is why I made a note about it on my phone right after waking up from it, which is what you are reading now. The very short story has reminded me how I should look at the relationships I have with the people in my circle. (That I am still telling myself to hold on to too much, here.)

I was at a cosy Dutch bar with my ex, during daytime. Everything was going all right until I locked eyes with the man who was standing behind the bar.
Usually, my ex wasn’t really the type of person who expressed the jealousy he felt, but this time, he said: “Don’t look at him.”
“It’s just looking? I don’t mind when you look at other people either.”
“I love you and I don’t want you looking at other guys.”
This led to a discussion that made me break up with him on the spot, raising my voice at him. I left the bar.

The scene changed to this combination of a ’60’s style Dutch neighborhood in combination with a desert. I was visiting Wytze there (someone around whom I always sensed serious sexual tension (but considered myself too old, in his case), and who I, like many other people, haven’t seen in a very long time). We were walking around “his neighborhood” and he told me that his family was having trouble with their family business. I gave him some advice and realized that I had missed him so much (my body sensed that I feel the same in real life (not that they had a family business when we were hanging out frequently)).

All of a sudden, the all-sand dunes we were walking through became very steep. I tumbled down, rolling over my sides very fast. The surface became steeper and steeper. I lost Wytze out of sight.

At some point I was falling down straight so much faster than I should, as if I had a weight stuck to me. The sand surface became red flames and I thought that I was going to die.
I saw the face of the handsome man who was standing behind the bar, in front of the flames as a background. My surroundings changed to that of a smoothie bar.

I ordered a huge smoothie from him (he used two gigantic mixers to make it 😂 ). We started talking, there, and were having a romantic conversation very soon already. At some point I got behind the bar and kissed him and we declared our love for each other.

In the smoothie bar, we prepared dinner for my family. It was such a random dish 😂 . In my dream, it was a “traditional” recipe, but in reality I have never seen it before.
We were cutting this crazy large amount of vegetables that looked like something in between red coal and a radish, colored deep purple, skinned and grated potatoes and more effort. Then boiled everything with the skin and stem all together, drained it and put cocktail umbrellas in it, to then spend hours separating that what isn’t edible from that what’s edible, putting everything in “stew pan” shaped bags. There were a big bag and a small bag of edible dinner, and five bags of non-edible residu, including the cocktail umbrellas.

We met my family outside, in Kralingse Veer, very close to the spot where my ex (in real life) started to attack a man who was walking his dog. On a bicycle path near a restaurant. It’s close to the Sikh temple there. I introduced them to my new boyfriend and noticed the collective feelings of hate against the both of us, underneath their faรงade.

I got in an unnecessary fight with my sister, when she opened verbal fire on me out of nowhere, saying: “First of all, you purposely offended Kris by not waiting until he had arrived.” I became so fucking angry from the amount of bullshit in the accusation itself already.
When I was done screaming back and forth with her, my mother came with her unnecessarily sentimental parental expressions, saying: “You are making your sister feel very bad, with your words. You’re making the entire family feel bad.” We were still standing there. Outside, in Kralingse Veer.
And then, before “my father” could add even more shit to that, I said: “YOU KNOW WHAT? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL YOU FUCKING DUMB INSANE (…)”, handed them the bags of “edible” food and left, to never return.

I woke up still feeling so much anger, realizing that most of the anger I feel about past events is still cropped up. I wonder if I have screamed in my sleep, because I woke up with my lungs feeling all emptied out.


Ah meoww I love that I can now add text to this post during the day and be more certain that you’ll see it, because this goes straight to the home page.

I was at the gym, earlier today:

There’s something I need to vent so bad. He says he hates my blog and never looks on it (my mother also said that she never reads it, but still she called phsysician because of what I wrote in Highlights).

So I assume that I can tell you this in confidence…

Scapegoat me was tasked with making surprise party invitations. I postponed it for quite a while, thinking of how to go about this. I couldn’t think of any sentimental words for on it – especially because I don’t even want to party. And I thought of using an old picture, but simultaneously placing an old picture on it feels mourning card-ish. But while doing my hair, two days ago…

Being short on extensions at some point

So wearing my hair like that to go to the hair shop next day

I decided to look for a JPEG/PNG template for it. That’s how I ended up at Canva and created this:

That address on there is also my company address and that you already know, so yay don’t have to hide that

Sending it to my mother for approval. Then made it this:


So if he doesn’t lie to me about never visiting my blog, I can just share this on here and he won’t know. If he does visit it, and if my mother does visit it, too, they are browsing anonymously. Beetje jammer dat.

Anyway, I feel like I have played my part. I don’t even want to attend. But I have no money (especially not after buying much needed new shoes today), so where on earth can I go?
I’ve been searching some things about dysfunctional families the other day. On Wikihow I read that bringing a +1 to family events can make it endurable. I would so love that (Victishe 😻 haha). I had a hard time at my sister’s birthday already. But this is even more serious. I have no tolerance for insulting jokes and answering the question “What do you do for a living now?” at least 20 times. I really need someone to be there with me (and back me up in case I can’t hold the peace anymore and open verbal fire). But the person I bring along has to be someone I can level with, of a certain status, for the most comfortable result… I am, after all, the one who always says that she is working towards greatness, but still lives at her parents’ house, so they then tell me that what I want to do is impossible and the world will forever stay a shit place. I don’t want to endure that again Lord please save meeeeeeee.

Most of the “family” attending the party is not even family, so you’re, if you ask me, so very welcome. Honestly, if I had money, I would have organized plenty of events for us already. To me, YOU are family, if you feel what I write. It would be satisfying to me to Project X the place, but we do need to behave and be present at 4:30 PM, to have the surprise moment at 5 PM and be very quiet about it � .

My birthdays the past two years were traumatic, so I really don’t want to be partying with that crowd again. With the fake smiles and repetitiously telling me that it is important that I put my family first. My family is screwing me over, so I want to distance myself from them. I encourage the youth to do the same. I have no money, but there will be a private chef with a green egg (barbecue) present at the “surprise barbecue”. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a mental institution, all by myself (for most of it). I received cards with no money in it (that is serious fam).

I want outttttt.

Killing time

I hope my B would like to be one of the first to help me into the right direction for Project Nosce Te Ipsum and all the greatness that will follow from that success. He is my only reachable contact – without HR staff harassing me – who is intelligent, Graeyniss and of a certain status. All I can do is wait for his response… So I’m killing time, trying to keep myself entertained, finding an enjoyable reason to go outside as often as I can. Until my greatness is acknowledged… 🙊 That – and my slight weight gain ๐Ÿ™ – was the reason why I went to the gym today. I went to the city center after going to the gym:

Part of me wants to shoot some hoops… Part of me wants to go to sleep… #Fangyism

Not long after I came home, my parents came home as well and brought along takeout dinner:

I really need to chill with hungry tall people, because I need to eat more frequently. Instead of huge portions infrequently. I think that is much better for my weight 😏 . Now I attempt to feed myself by being creative with whatever I find:

Legs need waxing x_x. But broke x_x.

Positive Yays

I feel a lot better now that I’m making new friends and meeting such lovely people ♥ . I’ve been so lonely these past two years ๐Ÿ™ . Even though life hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me for years, and it is still not optimal, I finally see that things are starting to play out my in my way.

I hope this can be sealed by making June a better month than May.

Thank you for reading his ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope to see you here again, tomorrow. And I hope that you won’t visit this website incognito (anymore)… Please don’t hide from me ♥ .

Tot morgen ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

The featured image is made by Sebastiaan Stam

Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Alternative Drafting

Good evening ♥

What are your plans for the weekend? & Do you also feel slight impatience for seeing Project Nosce Te Ipsum in practice? ๐Ÿ˜€ Meowww I craveeeee.

When I started to draft a document about the renewed project, I thought: “Is it truly useful to write this?” Because it’s a lot like wanting to make a painting and then writing out what the painting should look like in full detail, instead of actually starting to make art. Let’s just get to painting! [Figuratively speaking] (Or a real draft, at least…) I think people prefer seeing me in action over seeing another long text written by me…

I have so many different options for the ways in which the project can be put into practice, while I don’t know what I’ll be allowed to do and what is “aimed too high”. When I was in the Erasmus Medical Center, for example, in 2017, I wrote a draft for an interview with President Trump. It has a very broad range of questions, from his origin and religion (aiming to hear his philosophical side), to “The Wall” and his media publicity. Will I ever be allowed to interview him? It will be great for both our ratings, I believe. (& Allowing twist braids into the White House would be quite revolutionary, right?)
In the hospital, that aspiration was seen as another sign of schizophrenia. But, like I said in the e-mail I sent to my B earlier today: I’d love to prove them wrong.

Instead of mailing him a document, I went for a more individual approach. Sending a document makes it seem as though the concept is not open for alteration, and reading it is much more tiring than having me explain it in person. The project is definitely open to Graeyniss input ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope he will tell his Graeyniss friends about this ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I think starting the documentary off in the Netherlands is a good and symbolic start. For this country has had a lot of influence in sooo many other countries from the very beginning. It’s the indirect reason why I was born here, but am colored. My intention is to visit at least 30 countries with it ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Interviewing Victishe, who directs a part of something I consider national heritage, would be a good addition as well. I’m so curious about this shadowy stakeholder/ownership part of the organization, his own path and how he sees the future of the concept of insurance. [And if I can fish him because he is single? ๐Ÿ˜€ 🙊 🙈 ] et cetera… But he had already turned me down before I explained the whole endeavor to him, because of function related principles ๐Ÿ™ . Victishe 😢 . Can I get an exception somehow? 🙊

For the king I have a lot of questions too ayy… And soo many other people. I hope this wild combination of a wild propagandist and a researcher, will open many doors… And that in that way, we become a squad of Graeynissis ๐Ÿ˜€ . That includes the large video database of project participants who are not included in the official videos, but still want to spread their message.

And for the series and movies, in which I would like to play myself, I’m not sure who to ask to play certain roles yet… Plus meowww there is so much web stuff, artwork and music and stuff to create before we can even get started… I just want to know what my options are. I hope I don’t have to “downsize”… Because if I have to “downsize”, I won’t do it. It won’t be in accordance with the D.O.C.I.S. International endeavor if I do.

Meanwhile, I’m just being this figurative house Catje, looking for a suitable challenge. Still struggling with extreme fatigue (and a non-cooperative physician), still making my brain work overtime because I strive for a unique type of historic greatness. (Still wanting to find someone to build some apps and rebuild my websites, in the way I desire them to be. This could all be very easy, if brain-to-brain communication is real.)

Oh and I’ve done my hair:

I hope dr. B. responds to my endeavor positively. I really want to sit down with someone who likes to think along with me, about how to make things possible. Instead of elaborately explaining to me why things are impossible. That stuff is toxic ay…

If you’re interested in contributing in any way, please let me know ๐Ÿ™‚ . I will be back here with another update tomorrow at 9 PM Amsterdam time again (I think I’m going to make that a thing?).

See you then ♥

Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Propagandist Euphoria

Good evening โ™ฅ

What are your entertainment needs? I hope I have found a way to satisfy them ๐Ÿ˜€ . The positive propaganda I’m working on is giving me the most intense sensation of Propagandist Euphoria I’ve ever felt 😻 .

Lil Epiphany

Last night, I mentioned that I would like to publish new books and essays. The truth is that I want to release material that shows alternative perspectives on life alternatively, and to gain enthusiasm for a new way to govern life: the Fangyist system.

Before I fell asleep last night, I thought of this:

Instead of publishing completely new books and essays – still built around the same mission – it would be much more effective to put the screenplay I wrote for Nosce Te Ipsum into practice. By spreading the message via a professional collection of videos, the goal of D.O.C.I.S. International is much easier to understand. And it’s much easier to be enthusiastic about as well, if I manage to create the best documentary, mini-series and movie you will ever have seen ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ve gained a lot more Propagandist experience since I started to write it, so I’m going to make some changes to the actual content of the screenplay. I started to write it when I was put under psychiatric surveillance, back in 2017, because a successful screenplay could be my vindication. Now I find showing unique perspectives on life and altering the system more important than clearing my name. You’re free to judge me in any way you want to. The construction of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is, however, about the same as it was when I started to create the concept:

Project Nosce Te Ipsum schematic overview

Sharing the general construction with you is part of the plan, because it will make it much easier to understand the end result. [Click to enlarge it.]

More Details about the General Overview

Project Nosce Te Ipsum consists of the following core elements:

  • A Research Project
    “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, about similarities and differences in the perception of creation (in the context of life philosophy), society (about types of government and group behavior), the self and love.
  • A Book Series
    Called Nosce Te Ipsum I. The first book of that series “Creation” (consisting of The Unpublished Episodes, The U.S.H.R., D.O.C.I.S. and The Hypothesis) is already published, but wasn’t much of a hit. Part of the docuseries is about searching ways to make the book series more appreciated. After all, it is about the survey that is in the science fiction story, needed to find The U.S.H.R.. The second, third and fourth book are titled Society, The Self and Love.
  • A Screenplay
    The screenplay consists of three components:
    1. The Docuseries
      This is the informative part of the project. I intend to show how the world works in the way that is not shown in education books, about the deep-state and beyond. I hope to be able to meet many influential people within the system in person for this, and hope that they will share their perspective on life with me. By learning how the world really works, I could also find out how transitioning to the Fangyist system is possible, and under what criteria it could become generally accepted.
    2. The Cinematic Survey
      Nosce Te Ipsum I its fill-in-the-gap science fiction story in movie format is “The Cinematic Survey”. Episodes that pause sometimes, then a question shows and your answer determines the story progress. “Creation” includes an introduction of this, which could be released during the early episodes of the docuseries, giving everyone an impression of how the research project works (since I need votes to continue writing the story [@ The Hypothesis]).
    3. The Movie Conclusion
      After the entire Universal Standard of Human Reasoning has been surveyed in The Cinematic Survey, the algorithm determines how the Nosce Te Ipsum fill-in-the-gap story ends. That means that everyone who participates in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, by participating in the research project, has an (indirect) say in how the movie goes. It is the conclusion of the Nosce Te Ipsum story and the conclusion of the research project.

Just the thought of this concept in practice already excites me so much! Especially if I could score interviews with a very broad range of influential people: presidents, business leaders, artists… Of course also “regular citizens”, including young children. I would love to hear their answers to the questions in the Nosce Te Ipsum survey for The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, and more ๐Ÿ˜€ . Hoping that if they do it, other people will do the survey as well – since my aim is at least a million participants. I feel that we could get such interesting results! (And don’t let my title of “Propagandist” confuse you. I find it far more interesting, for this screenplay, to discover the truth, than to give the world a new direction in accordance with my vision.)

My level of enthusiasm is very high, but I’m facing two serious issues:

  • A buget? ๐Ÿ™ I haven’t been able to find funding for anything, this far… But a budget for this project would also include the largest IT project ever… (I can then finally start establishing my web empire and won’t have to do all of this myself anymore 😻 .) I hope it can be funded by individuals who support the entire endeavor… (Instead of profit hungry organizations. I want to keep my independence…)
  • Getting anyone to say “yes” to doing an interview with me, and maybe also play a role in the movie/mini-series (even when he or she is not a professional actor/actress) [especially to put some weight on the satiric swag of the entire project. I do would love to see my favorite actors and actresses participate in this as well ๐Ÿ™‚ ] ……..

Back in 2017, before all of the drama stuff happened, I was hoping to get dr. B.S.Y. Crutzen enthusiastic about this, and that he could help me with the research and play a role in the screenplay (because I love his charisma ๐Ÿ™‚ ). He is currently my only Graeyniss contact, so I hope he will be interested in working with me (after everything that happened…). With his endorsement, other people might want to play a role in this, sooner ๐Ÿ™‚ .

So, change of plans 1000001 (in this diary lol): I am going to send dr. B the concept of the screenplay written out and hope that he is interested in doing this with me. (Showing the entire making-off process I would love to look back at ๐Ÿ™‚ . It would be a great addition to this blog! ๐Ÿ˜€ )

I’ll work out the screenplay concept more detailed and share it with you, here. And then send it to him and let you know what he thinks of joining the band wagon. (Maybe he already knows I’ll ask him this. I hope you like it ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

I hope we’ll see this piece of propagandist euphoria in practice ๐Ÿ˜€ . You’ll see the concept written out, here. Tomorrow: same time, same place ๐Ÿ™‚ .


Online Diary

Some Desire

Heyy ♥

How was your day?
Mine was a lot less productive than I wanted it to be. I wish I could tell you something more positive and uplifting, but then I would be lying about the way I feel again, so I now hope you can still find some comfort (or recognizability, but I hope you’re not pushing yourself beyond your limits in a way that it breaks you down, the way I am doing that to myself ๐Ÿ™ ) in my self-expression.

I still have a WordPress theme to finish (and I don’t know that much about PHP, so it takes a little longer for me to understand the syntax and what I’m doing and stuff), the D.O.C.I.S. International website to finish, the D.O.C.I.S. store to build, et cetera….

The feeling of pressure woke me up again. I can’t do anything (travel, produce something, make a short film, build a house, buy some Summer clothing), because I have no money. I can’t claim official power, because I have no degrees. I want to be known for my philosophy on reform and my projects (unfortunately catching dust on the shelf, currently). Working for an employer is not an option for me. And I fear that people won’t even look at the D.O.C.I.S. store (and then all of this effort is for nothing and I’m stuck with the costs of having it). The pressure comes from the worry about future stability. So by means of giving myself a (future financial) back-up, I’ll sign up for the bachelor in Mathematics at the University of Antwerp, right when admissions are opened.

Another reason for me to want to study (and start over) in Antwerp, is to escape the dysfunctional situation that is destroying me emotionally. I have no money to move, but with a new study loan I can pay my tuition and manage to rent something little, there, maybe…

I won’t quit my sole proprietorship when I go there. (The academic year starts on September 23rd ๐Ÿ™‚ . (I still need to sign up, though.)) On the contrary! I’ll have a new (more suitable) territory to search for Graeynissis 😻 .
I already look forward to the adventure ๐Ÿ™‚ . Though – instead of being a first-year student – I’d prefer a situation in which I’m an advisor to multiple people in a diverse range of powerful positions. As an apprentice. So that I can learn the useful lessons I desire to learn, which are not in the regular books, needed to later rule the D.O.C.I.S. International empire (and Planet Fang). Especially not in a bachelor course ๐Ÿ™ .

This craving for that particular type of information (also the reasons why I’ve been running after my B, Victishe and other Graeynissis), was why I spent a lot of time on the deep web/dark web today. I absolutely love everything my innocent eyes have been seeing – it comes with a certain type of thrill – but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. (I probably need someone to “slip me some onions“… But howยฟ 🤔 )

I want to know exactly what life looks like – day-to-day protocols – of someone in any position of power. I want to know exactly how the world works. How what children learn about power, in books, is executed by people in reality. So that I can improve the concept…

Meanwhile I have so much inspiration for new books and essays that I want to pause pushing myself to finish my websites. So that’s what I’ll be doing at least until the 1st of July, probably. On the 1st of July, I get access to the database to become a book seller (of other authors as well). So then I can continue the configuration of the D.O.C.I.S. Store, after having made my selection of books. It would be nice to own the books I sell (that we then have a collection of the exact same books 😻 ), but money ๐Ÿ™ . If I had an investor/non-narcissistic financial support 😢 .

We celebrated my grandmother’s 78th birthday today. Dinner was very nice ๐Ÿ™‚ . (My heart is too damaged for further sentiment.)

My health insurer has robbed me again, so my bank account is back on minus ๐Ÿ™ . I’m in the mood for careless spending because of this (it included fines and everything 😢 ), but the risk of not being able to pay my other bills and then getting fines again or my website being taken down again… Meow x_x. I hope writing some new books and setting up an original online bookstore will help my financial situation.

For now, I’m going to bed.

Good night ♥

Published on 00:33 (12:33 AM)

Online Diary


To boost my efficiency, spending time more productively, I will not be writing diary posts anymore (at least as long as I’m working on the checklist I told you about in “Back Online :)”). There’s a hybrid version of online. (On a laptop it looks better than on a mobile phone ๐Ÿ™ .) And has some more (“classic”) articles on it. (Most of them in progress…) There’s a lot more to come, still, though ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meanwhile I get tired quicker and quicker. There’s nothing else I enjoy in life, aside from working on ways to rule it differently and seeing that in practice. (Travelling, dancing, making music, eating good food, writing and good quality conversations I enjoy as well. But that all costs money and I attempt to earn with what I do. Plus I find my current perception of life very disturbing, thus I really need to change it.) So I basically have no other option but to continue working on my domains until they look the way I want them to look. And then hope I can bait some Graeynissis and overrule regimes with them… ๐Ÿ˜€

Today, it has been exactly a week since I attempted to grow closer to a Graeyniss (for whom I have caught feelings that do not want to go away haha please help me positively because my heart is so very vulnerable). I tell you more about the incident that happened in my attempt to befriend this handsome Graeyniss (as well as other topics), in this video:

After my post from yesterday, I have been offered to join the family to Egmond aan Zee for about a week and Curaรงao for a week, which is great, because I was starting to miss hanging out with my sister in a holiday setting and I’m going crazy from living in the same city for so long. Two weeks away from here is too short ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Though I feel a bit uncomfortable, because I don’t have new Summer clothing and I always spend everything on my websites, so I can’t buy new Summer clothing 😩 .)

I hope, the more my domains become finished, someone will hire me (it does not at all matter where you live ๐Ÿ™‚ ), so that I finally have a real challenge in life. And with the compensation, I can better invest in my project and discover other parts of the world (together with some Graeynissis, I hope).

This blog is still the only place in the world where I can express myself truly freely, so even though I’m cutting down on regular diary posts, I still intend to post a diary status every day. And I love to see that you come here every day to read my feelings. It makes me feel heard ♥ .


I chose this Pixabay image as my featured image, because I describe my (fair) “tunnel vision” for success. The results I work towards are heavenly, which is why it suits the efficien-sea hehe ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Mijn Fangyistische burn-out

Voor mijn gevoel heb ik een Fangyistische burn-out. Ik zit er helemaal doorheen, maar blijf alsnog steeds doorgaan, want ik wil zo graag resultaten zien. Resultaten waardoor de maatschappij direct verandert.

Ik kan niet echt rusten voordat het is gelukt. Nu blijf ik me alleen maar irriteren aan dat het er nog steeds niet zo uit ziet als de verbeterde structuur die ik in gedachten heb, en dat men denkt dat wat ik wil onmogelijk is, vind ik ook zo fucking irritant. Ik kan er gewoon niet mee leven dat de massa zich neerlegt bij de puinzooi die de wereld nu is. En dat ze de mensen die wel goed willen doen, aan het tegenwerken zijn, door middel van het verspreiden van leugens en andere tijdverspilling.

Met dat ik niet kan rusten bedoel ik niet dat ik niet kan slapen. Ik bedoel dat ik nooit ontspanning voel.

Ik wil niet dat iemand die ik niet zelf tot die functie heb aangesteld, enige zeggenschap heeft over mij. Mijn maatschappijstructuur – de Fangyistische – is de enige die ik goed vind.

Stukje bij beetje blijf ik doorgaan, zoals ik vandaag aan mijn lokale pagina gewerkt heb. Ik hoop dat ik de pagina vandaag online zal zetten, nadat ik hem heb afgemaakt, nadat ik straks, wanneer mijn moeder de boodschappen heeft gebracht, voor het gezin gekookt heb. Hopend dat ik dus na het koken nog een beetje energie heb…

Mijn spieren en hersenen hebben rust nodig – ik kan er nog maar amper gebruik van maken – maar ze kunnen pas rusten en aansterken, wanneer ik de macht in handen heb en ik het me kan permitteren om in een geluidloze omgeving te leven. Ik blijf maar doorgaan, maar binnenkort zitten mijn hersenen echt op haar maximum… ๐Ÿ™ Ik weet niet hoe dit tot uiting zal komen. Dat vind ik best eng…

Ik vind het ook zo ontzettend jammer dat ik deze zomer niet met vakantie kan gaan. Voor mijn gevoel heb ik dat namelijk best wel nodig. Maar nu heb ik, gezien ik toch geen geld heb om op vakantie te gaan, deze organisatiehervorming op mijn zomerplanning staan…

Wat ik doe is niet iets dat iedereen kan. Maar dat ik letterlijk alles kan doen dat denkbaar is, betekent niet dat ik dat alsmaar kan doen zonder dat ik rust (betekenend een langere time-out) nodig heb. En zelfs het bovennatuurlijke heeft haar maximum, in dit geval.

Vind het ook zo ontzettend vervelend dat ik zo veel moeite moet doen om begrepen te worden ๐Ÿ™ . Het lijkt alsof er geen eind aan komt…

Lees alsjeblieft mijn essay, die nu gratis is, and get the message ๐Ÿ™ . Ik hoop dat je me zal willen ondersteunen, wanneer het zo ver is.

Tijd om te koken… ๐Ÿ™

Dit is mijn 480ste post op


Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Essay]

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid

A D.O.C.I.S. Essay

By Lil Fangs

An Author’s Note

This essay was written when I was in a very difficult situation. Again, being put in a powerless situation by someone else’s authority. I hoped that selling what I know about the deep-state, would help me to afford to get away from those circumstances forever. I’m not in that crisis center anymore, so the contextual information at the end of the post does not apply to me anymore. I, however, still need the funds to live independently. The essay was, because of that, put online for โ‚ฌ1177.77, but it had no sales. I find it still important that you get the rest of my message, and that is why I now put this essay online for free.

When I published any other book I’ve published, just like when I was trying to sell this essay, I am trying to earn, so that I can set up a successful business and leave my current life behind me for good. I hope I can count on your support, this time.

โ€œAlways start the documents you sell, off with a quote. It will make you look more (modern) scholarly.โ€

– Lil Fangs

That was a joke 😂 โ€ฆ The rest wonโ€™t beโ€ฆ

This essay is all about the hierarchical pyramid, visible on the next page. Iโ€™m writing this from my own perspective. As a regular citizen, attempting to formulate an independent opinion, hoping Iโ€™ll succeed in nudging the official authorities, so that we can flip the pyramid together, forming a new powerful union.

Oh meow I reallyyy need to share this citation with you again, though. (I used it in my EP, too.) It perfectly suits the content of this essay! The first three paragraphs of Propaganda, by Edward Bernays:

โ€œThe conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.โ€


Why Disrupt This?

Slowly but surely, the system is destroying itself. The education system and cultural stories that are told from generation to generation, have taught us to value money. It gives us a status. It is the reason many people leave their homes every day.

If an idea is not an idea that can make you rich, society will not consider it a good idea. In that way, making an unprofitable difference, out of kind-heartedness, and to do what is best for our generation and future generations to come, is unappealing to society.

What is appealing to society, is to maximize profits, regardless of what it does to nature. What is appealing to society, is to destroy the names of talented people, because most people donโ€™t have any talents. What is appealing to society, is to make a small story far bigger than it actually is, because otherwise, people have nothing to talk about.

When nature gives out, because it has been abused by this generation far too much, money will have no value. Many lives will become purposeless. That is not our problem (anymore), because they have had enough time and have received enough information to create a better system.

Those at the top (three layers) of the pyramid, have no clue what they are actually doing. They’re far too busy playing the status game. They think it has actual meaning, while itโ€™s only talk. They donโ€™t think about the future, and the consequences of their actions.

To make sure that they donโ€™t ruin the future of us and generations to come, we should flip the pyramid. Instead of trying to maintain what we have, we should disrupt it even further โ€“ none of us truly enjoys this anyway. Itโ€™s only a faรงade, needed to keep our status. It is better to cause the disruption ourselves, so that we have control over the way the world looks, after it the system is collapsed, instead of giving in to the prospect of our fate being an uncontrollable chaos, caused by idiots.

The disruption starts with your purchase โ€“ thank you 💕 โ€“ and is followed by all of us taking physically visible action, simultaneously. Iโ€™ll first convince you of why the system has to be disrupted, some more, including some sad stories and good prospects, then Iโ€™ll tell you more about my Stratagem, and after that, it’s time for real action ๐Ÿ™‚ .


Looking from the Bottom up

From the bottom of the pyramid, the experience of life is anything except joyful. Formulating an independent opinion is too difficult for many, so we are taught to adapt and dumb down our conversation. We watch the members of the inner cabinet try to uncover who is who, and know that right-wing and left-wing are meaningless concepts in that context.

Some individuals are in multiple positions in the pyramid at the same time, due to the status that comes with their profession. Some, like me, arenโ€™t. There are right-wing politicians, doing independent research, echoing their views over the sounds of journalists who blindly follow trends, attempting to reach the business authorities that are being told what to do, by binge-watching babyboomers and their offspring, for example.

We, at the bottom, hope to see a large Volta, where there will be no more name shaming as โ€œworld newsโ€. We, at the bottom, want to see the type of change in society that will make everyone go back to school again, because life as we know it will fully change.

But the change the bottom two layers want and need to see, will mean that the top three layers of the pyramid will become obsolete. Fully obsoleteโ€ฆ


When I say this to those who blindly follow trends, they respond with something in the context of: โ€œNo wonder you are diagnosed with schizophrenia.โ€ The media pre-chew everything there is to discover in life, and tell you how you should feel about that, so how come I have such an odd opinion about everything in life?

โ€œPropagandaโ€ is a bad word, โ€œmulticulturalismโ€, โ€œprofessionalโ€ and โ€œSTGโ€ are good words, according to the trends. How about they become just words again, where โ€œgoodโ€ or โ€œbadโ€ depends on the context they are used in, and the personal view of the listener.

So then, in my view, โ€œIโ€™m going to use propaganda to make everyone my minion,โ€ is bad. But โ€œIโ€™m going to use propaganda to force people to think independently (and unveil their identity),โ€ is good.

Since Iโ€™m, in the meantime, still busy debunking the diagnosis schizophrenia I have received, I have to still point this out, though I assume you know I know this, and I hope you know this: Officially, the official authorities and those backing them, are on top of the pyramid. But because we are taught that the media are the voice of independent reason, the official top of the pyramid is not treated as the top of the pyramid, but as puppets who have to be shaped according to the will of the self-preservative deep-state, profiting of the overrated status game.

The bottom two rows of the pyramid are structurally being prohibited from emancipating, because the top three layers do not want to give up their position in the Silent Pyramid. This is so severe, that from a young age, people are taught to stop hoping for change, and accept life as it is. Then the media confirm that image, by publishing thousands of pessimistic articles per day. And if you go too far in your believes for change, like me, youโ€™ll become a victim of social shock therapy and be forced to take psychiatric drugs until you give up on your dreams. Life canโ€™t go on like this forever! Especially not because of the state of the waterworksโ€ฆ ๐Ÿ™‚ (The state that is fully ignored by those who blindly follow, and which is not getting enough media attention AT ALL!!!)

I have a lot of trouble with that people who blindly follow trends are authorized to label and stigmatize the worlds of people they canโ€™t even understand. In my view, schizophrenia โ€“ as well as MANY other labels – cannot exist, because every perspective on life is unique. Itโ€™s just used to push us down the Pyramid even furtherโ€ฆ That includes people who are convinced by other people that theyโ€™re dumb, while theyโ€™re actually very smart.

Dissolving the Deep-State

As was said in the citation of Bernays: the members of the inner cabinet, do not know the identity of their fellow members. As in that they cannot openly discuss their hidden agendas. But if youโ€™re only in it for the money and other forms of self-preservation, itโ€™s not necessary to discuss your agenda to reveal your identity. (I say โ€œyourโ€ for simplicity. I donโ€™t necessarily mean you, my dear reader.)

In our competitive world, everyone is incentivized to show characteristics of politeness and intelligence, whether theyโ€™re real or fake. Humor, in the meantime, has evolved into โ€œlaughing after barbarianismโ€. To me, todayโ€™s sense of humor is painful and loveless. Real humor requires intelligence. Intelligence most people โ€“ sad but true โ€“ donโ€™t have.

Through someoneโ€™s sense of humor, you can decipher that personโ€™s identity and hidden agenda. The faรงade of politeness and intelligence is meaningless, when jokes are misunderstood due to the lack of understanding. From that, an interview follows, to unveil the nature of a joke [Was it to indirectly insult, or was it to make laugh?], and to unveil the nature of the listener [Does the listener find the joker a good conversationalist, or does he/she find him an annoying nerd?].

Iโ€™m pulling out all the stops in this paragraph [wonder why?] 😏 . I just want to show you that, even though Iโ€™m not really part of it (yet), I know your world very well.

We shouldnโ€™t spend time with those we canโ€™t get along with. The politeness, resembling โ€œprofessionalismโ€, in this competitive world, we should let go of, because I know that there are, like me, many people who stay polite, while they would rather scream so loud that their saliva starts to foam. Itโ€™s not healthy to crop up emotions (of anger)!

I believe that there is a professional deep-state, and a personal deep-state. The professional deep-state has superficial people wanting to look cool in the one corner, and pioneers wanting to make a change, in the other. The experience of the personal deep-state depends on individual identity, but I would categorize it in this way (mind you that my personal bias will echo through this): there are those who live to spread love, of whom some people in their lives live to do the same, but most people live to take advantage of them, because those people, taking advantage, live, but are barely conscious. They have no talent and donโ€™t want to think about life, because their minds are not capable of understanding it, so let alone improving it. Due to the competitiveness in our society and everyone wanting to be a star, theyโ€™ll act as if they live to spread love, but in reality, all they do is just survive (by taking advantage of others).

Iโ€™m talking to the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, who truly live to spread love (and receive all of mine 😻 ).

An Independent Alliance

A real โ€œRevenge of the Nerdsโ€, will set the record straight. We have adapted ourselves to less intelligent people for long enough. How about we all let โ€œprofessionalismโ€ go, simultaneously, and just be ourselves. (Youโ€™ll breathe more freely than ever before!)

We, the bottom layers of the Pyramid, donโ€™t need large groups of people to do what we want to do in life. It is what makes us strong as individuals, but itโ€™s what makes us weak against the competitive top three layers in the Silent Pyramid, who are more focused on forming self-preservative alliances, than self-development.

We, โ€œnerdsโ€, should seclude ourselves from those we wouldnโ€™t truly voluntarily spend time with anyway. If we all do it together, at the same time, the top three layers will be powerless. We can outsmart them with so much ease!

That is why I plead for the independent alliance of the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, through D.O.C.I.S. International, funded to unite us and revolutionize society. Who do you want to be, when, due to the collapse of the waterworks, the entire system collapses? You can start your life all over again and re-log who you are, for the history books of our future generations. Please let me know, by sending an email to



The international deep-state should be uncovered, the media should be taken less seriously, those who blindly follow trends have no purpose in our revolution, official authorities should become actual authorities and those who work hard to formulate an independent opinion, will become the worldโ€™s new generation of pioneers.

I hope to have given you information that is understandable, and the incentive to do something you easily can and want to do. All you need to do, is, the next time I ask you to publicly support me, say that you are part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council, and poke your chest and bum out, showing the world the strong and independent individual that you are. Iโ€™ll divide positions and tasks on the fly. (They say donโ€™t put new information in the conclusion of your textsโ€ฆ Iโ€™m still doing it. #YOLO.)

A Digression

War in the Western world, would make me happy. To get the chance to rebuild the overpromoted, decaying metropolitans, which are like old, squeaking amusement park attractions, facilitating the same routine over and over and over and over again. I canโ€™t even pretend to like it anymore. I canโ€™t pretend to value it, either. It would also end that awful โ€œThe West is the Bestโ€-sentiment (democrats often use).

The top three layers will point a moralistic finger at me, for the first sentence of this digression, but that is only because the war will be against them, and they will be so very powerless.

Ik hoop dat je je door mijn schrijven een stuk minder alleen voelt. Ik hoop dat ik je leven leuker maak, vanaf de afstand van waar ik je bereik.

Je voelt je zeker alleen omdat je voor de meeste mensen te intelligent bent. Maak je niet (meer) druk, want je persoonlijkheid zal binnenkort de allernormaalste zijn. Andersdenkenden belachelijk maken, zal binnenkort belachelijk worden. Ook zal het normaler worden om culturele gebruiken te laten varen.

Of ik helemaal klaar ben met Project Nosce Te Ipsum? Nee, ik wacht tot men me antwoorden opstuurt. Ik moet weten hoeveel mensen A of B stemmen op de laatste vraag in The Hypothesis, omdat ik op basis daarvan, had ik gezegd, het vervolg van het verhaal zal bepalen. Het is ook onderdeel van de informatie die ik nodig heb voor het publieke opinie onderzoek dat ik doe, om te bepalen wat de beste regeermethode is, voor wanneer de waterwerken er niet meer zijn.

Het wordt een spannende tijd. Maar hoe dan ook een leuke tijd, omdat we samen zullen zijn.

I love you 💕

– Xxx โ€“ The Fangs

Die dit allemaal in een avondje op haar telefoon typte, in de crisisopvang, hopend dat ze met de opbrengst hiervan een beter alternatief heeft dan de daklozenopvang, omdat ik vandaag weg moet uit de crisisopvang. Hartelijk dank voor je aankoop 💕 .

Hoe vind je mijn verkooppiramide concept, voor de verkoop van mijn essay over de Stille Pyramide? 😏

ยฉ Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniรซlle Elia) โ€“ The contents of this document may be re-sold for a lower price, but only when part of the profits are shared with the author. When reproducing the content, always mention the author.

Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]

14:08 (02:08 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ


My night was good. My morning was chill. Had some left over salad for breakfast. There’s not much else I consider edible in the house. If I had money, yes, I would have purchased a gift and made a fresh breakfast (and if the thought of this family didn’t cause so much heartache, too). It’s not nice being so non-thoughtful. Same went for Mother’s Day. But my mother is going to buy some whiskey or another type of alcoholic beverage, on behalf of all of us. Makes me feel a little less worse.

How’s your day? Do you have special Father’s Day plans?

Honestly, I think it’s time that we stop this global routine we live. For many, commercialized holidays, such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day and today, bring along many traumatic memories. Traumatic memories that are suppressed, because it’s often not understood, and sentimental joyfulness is always the way we are encouraged on days like these even more. I hope you weren’t expecting any sentimental expressions of love, about this commercialized day.

If I’m Correct?

Is it correct that I was found on Father’s Day, in 2017, when I had gone missing? I’m not certain, but I remember wanting to sell ties for Father’s Day, before my parents put me under surveillance after a fight. And then I was too busy and depressed from suddenly having to spend so much time getting away from the surveillance I did not want to be under.

When I ran away from home, it was my intention to never come back. I didn’t know that I was reported missing. I was (and am still) working on breaking contact for good, and that means that on sentimental days like these, too, I will be gone. But for PR purposes, it is catastrophic to have gone missing for such a short amount of days, and then being found on Father’s Day.

Again: I didn’t know that I was reported missing, when I was missing. Otherwise, it would never have happened. I don’t want that type of attention ever. Even if I were missing for real, I prefer no one to even fucking know. I had said multiple times that I didn’t want to be under surveillance. They still kept forcing that upon me, so then it shouldn’t have been found weird that it was my intention to never return. I don’t know all of the nonsense that has been said about me, but it makes it sound as if I want his attention, while my wish is the exact opposite. I just want to be seen as someone who is not mentally unstable and want to receive financial support and will find that elsewhere, somehow. Or kill myself, the way I planned to, before I was found. Fucking insane flehs attempting to destroy my slight sense of pride, because I’m intelligent. They’re not even in my peripheral…

Later Castle Chillings

My clothing represents how I feel. Though it doesn’t fit me the way it should, in size, I feel very comfortable, because most of my other clothing fits worse:

I was wrapping my edges haha

Yahaaay I love turtle necks ๐Ÿ™‚ . It looks okay for this occasion, right? CastleFangs ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Meoww I wonder what Victishe would look like wearing a turtle neck hihihi

In case it gets hottt

My sister is getting her hair done – plus haven’t seen her in a few days – so we’re waiting for her to come, and after that we’re going to Zeist. I’m hungry, my meow…

Hunger & Frustration

I’m going to put “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” online here. Since no one is fucking buying it ughhh but I still want you to read the message because it’s fucking important, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . Stupid old people thinking they know everything… You really need to let go of most formalities, because it is causing you to be taken advantage of. Is what I say in that โ‚ฌ1100+ essay no one is looking at. I deserve compensation for my writing. This is entertainment ๐Ÿ™ . Let me buy a fucking house mann every day I want to leave this life behind for good, but people just keep staring and thinking this is about sex it’s so fucking annoying.

My research results are depressing and the publisher’s portal I purchased a subscription for a while back, doesn’t work, so I, still, am barely motivated to finish my websites. I want to show fruitful results that show a positive image about society, and be able to publish books internationally. But now I think I’ll need to buy my own printing press? Ugh why the fuck does everything cost money ๐Ÿ™ .

Grrr I’m going to put that essay online. I hope you’ll still donate something to me or something. I do not want to be part of this circle anymore. They already barely speak to me, so no one, including me, will give a fuck if I leave for good. Help me please ๐Ÿ™ .

Excuse me for that fit of anger from hunger – can’t even buy the food I like – and frustration for not having a way to get the fuck out of this place for good. I’m not going to work my tachycardia to death, just to rent a fucking room. Why am I not respected for what I am doing here? ๐Ÿ™ Do not answer that question if your answer is hateful.


15:58 (03:58 PM)

Vroom Vrooom

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid is online :). Pleaseeee read it!
We’re on our way ayyy. Currently picking up my sister at her boyfriend’s ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Yaaaay now we’re one happy family ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I wanted to upload some pictures, casually breaking some privacy rules, but my internet is slow ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll find another way to upload them ๐Ÿ™‚ .


23:33 (11:33 PM)

Back Home

You know the “happy family” is just a wish, right?

Meoww I’m tired ๐Ÿ™ . Today was fun, though the event was very different from what I expected. I wish I could organize some events ayy… With a guest list…

I’ll tell you the rest of today’s story through pictures. Then drink some Henny (because Rooster & Wolf weren’t sold) and go to sleeeep.

Now I’m a tired Catje, wanting more Victishe Cishes day by day. Ah prrr I really wonder how his day was.

I hope you’ll read my essay and give me some Cishes, too, my meow.

Good nighttt ♥


Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Dilemmas… 🤔 [Saturday, June 15, 2019]

14:42 (02:42 PM)ย 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

A Question of Empathy

I hope you had a good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ . If all you want to do in life is run a successful business, and you’re not receiving any support from those you thought would support you: how would you go about this?

The Crux of Working Alone and Externalities

I keep a strict schedule of tasks, but living under the authority of my parents often brings me in situations where I am kept from putting effort into growing my business. Numbering thematic days in my blog posts, motivates me to keep writing about and working on that topic I’m numbering (such as “Cold Case”, needed to clear my name, and “Crisis Center Day”, showing you the living circumstances there (and getting out of that)). But unfortunately, without any public support, I can’t clear my name and can’t get rid of the “schizophrenic” stigma.

My strategies are written in such a way that I don’t need to depend on others to execute it, unless I need a person with a certain authority, only when that is unavoidable. They would work out better if I were separated from those who negatively influence my path.

To do that, I need money and to get that: I need revenue. (I’ll never work for a boss again, I’m telling you ๐Ÿ™‚ . I need more money than that, for this success… How else can I build my own compounds? (My alternative is suicide. I have no tolerance for scripted and/or shallow conversations.)). But keeping in touch with my target audience, as you must have noticed, is not easy. Especially without the endorsement of the public (amplified due to the curse my circle has cursed me with, by internationally spreading a lie about me). This is the most severe experience of loneliness ever.

What the Success I Work towards looks like

So I need to keep going with setting up my little web-empire, so that I can later build an empire in real life. But in the meantime, those who do not read complain about the complexity of my concept. I try to be as clear as possible: it’s not easy, but it most certainly is a fruitful concept.

My success, in reality, is not based on scale. On the contrary! I would rather earn from one person for whom I can set in all of my goods and services, than earn from people who buy because they’re responding to a created hype. The one audience wants to spend more than the other, and I value a good personal relationship.

And by “personal relationship”, I mean that once I have a non-online, classic but alternative looking bookstore, I can invite my intimate group of main clients over for tea, for example. From there we can talk about how we can easily overpower the system, by working together. (Like when certain types of religion weren’t allowed and they had to meet secretly.)

Using big social networks paired with that directly, will take away our strength of mutual judgment, so I’m very glad to have said goodbye to my accounts on Facebook and Instagram. Though I’m still not at peace with the way they have treated me.

I hope that once I have finished all of my websites, you, who know where to find me, will enjoy the selection of books I recommend you, and will become a guest writer for The Fangs. “The Fangs” is like “The Times”, is my aim.

And from the revenue and fruitful partnerships that result from this extended digital success, I can constitute my own country: Planet Fang.

Please Consider This

Anyone willing to invest in this concept for a real-life intimate bookstore (and art gallery) with a stage and a kitchen, where I run the entire place myself? If it were in a secluded area, on private land I desire to purchase, it can be more for a neo-elite-ish audience, which is my target audience.

Excuse me for not having my renewed websites finished yet, but I was hoping you’ll reach out to me before I do… I’ve been at this for more than a year now ๐Ÿ™ .

Why This Hurts so Much

My road to success would have been less long and dreadful, if I had a father who is willing to invest in me. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to know that the money is there, but that he would rather spend it on himself or someone else? (Or Bitcoins…)

I now need to do everything myself, which doesn’t allow me to save any money for my future. I do things that are so time consuming, while if I outsource them, I would have time to focus on more important things.

And then there are the people who defend my father’s choice to let me bleed, saying that my business concept is not good. I have never explained what the exact Golden Egg is, so how can they know?

When we’re finally tackling overpopulation, I wouldn’t mind if they die for hurting me. The same goes for those who think that all a female’s business can do is have sex for money? I’d like to kill all of them myself.

Me wanting to kill certain individuals – justified by overpopulation and non-fruitful, fraudulent personalities – is sparked by the fact that they always hurt me and if they’re dead, I’m certain that they won’t hurt me anymore and won’t come anywhere near me after I’ve distanced myself from them.


I woke up around 8 AM, because technicians for the solar panels that will be placed in a few weeks, came to check the structure of the electricity circuits in the house.

I was very hungry, but didn’t know what would satisfy my taste buds. I answered some ASKfm questions, but when I felt that they were becoming a bit too much, I put away my phone. I laid in bed, thinking about how to get rid of my loneliness and still about what to eat as well. But then drifted off to sleep again.

After waking up again, I felt a strong need to be productive. But then I thought of all of my previous attempts to get online revenue, which were also not responded to.

I’m giving myself an supernaturally long list of tasks, to better my services towards you, but what if it’s ignored again? Then I’d put my tachycardia on the line for nothing, again.

I still can’t be certain if this will be ignored again or get me the desired results. But I can only know it by trying it. It kind of sucks to spend months of blood, sweat and tears, not knowing if what I’m doing is worth it. I hope you’ll read this and take that into consideration.

To make my diary a bit more overseeable, I’ll be using more titles. That’s part one of being productive…

It’s now 16:11 (04:11 PM) and I still haven’t eaten anything yet. I’ll be making myself a salad now, hoping that I don’t faint from hunger (used to have that often, as a child).

After that, I’m going to work on the texts for my websites.

When I’m done with all of the web things I need to do – that won’t be today – I’ll use Twitter for marketing. I hope people will like my selection of books.


17:20 (05:20 PM)ย 

Dates ๐Ÿ™

Mid-eating this improv salad…

I have the house to myself, because my sister is at her boyfriend’s (far more often than she is at home, which concerns me because it doesn’t affect my parents) and my parents are at a barbecue.

I ate these dates before my salad:

No dates, but dates… x_x

I hate being single, my meow. But currently there’s only one person I see myself be with and be successful. Someone who isn’t easy to reach, unfortunately. Dating someone available of my age would hold me back, I know from experience and because they don’t aim as high as I do in life.

Fatigue & Other Health Struggles

I don’t know what I’ll make myself for dinner, yet. I think I’ll just grill some tuna and eat the rest of the salad I have here.

My brain still needs rest, my meow, but I want to see my websites finished ๐Ÿ™ . What to do… 😔 I can never give myself a genuine off day, because I can’t stop thinking of all of the work that has to be done ๐Ÿ™ . It just has to be finished x_x.

I need to see my doctor in Germany, but I need more money for that.

As you have seen plenty of times now, my phycisian here in my neighborhood does anything but help me. All she does is try to get my body fucked up with antipsychotics I’m intolerant of and try to get me declared incompetent. She tells my sister to take her antibiotics with fucking yoghurt. I don’t want to go anywhere near her, but the Dutch health care system forces the exact opposite.

I still have HPV and my heart beat causes chest pains far more frequently, lately. It’s getting time for a check-up of the state of my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia, too. Plus I think I should let a full body MRI be made, because something reallyyy doesn’t feel right ๐Ÿ™ . (Especially when walking around with HPV for too long.)

Also, I’d like the fluid that causes the bags underneath and above my eyes to be taken away. And get my body waxed entirely. (And transfer my belly fat to my buns… :D) I’d feel a lot better in my own skin, then. And if I’d have new and better clothing 😿 .

And this is also not good for my health:

My heart x_x. It feels like starting back from scratch….

Love Cravings

Plus I still want Cishes from Victishe – especially after all that happened – but I don’t know how else to attempt again than by having my websites finished and starting about one of my case studies – about alternative governance – that is finished when I have a leader’s perspective. But I fear rejection 😿 .

Working to earn a large passive income is very exhausting ๐Ÿ™ .


19:03 (07:03 PM)ย 

Thun marinated in sweet ketjap, soy sauce, sesame oil and honey. Und Salattt.


I want you, who appreciates this, to feel comfortable around me. I have been justifying murder, but want you to know that you won’t become part of that list, if you don’t hurt me. And if you have, please just either blame someone else or apologize, using good arguments no matter what. I think that’s what we both need.

I reflect on my faults every day and share that here. I find that enough. If you find it correct that you have hurt me, then it’s a given that me wanting you dead will never change. Plus, we need to tackle overpopulation somehow anyway.

Lol that were my solo dinner number 1057’s thoughts. Hoping that one day I’ll start having dinner with someone powerful and sexy every day 🤔 .

If you’re not certain if you’re powerful and sexy: if you’re powerful, I’ll find you sexy for sure. And if you’re not certain, then that’s cute ๐Ÿ™‚ . Unless you say “I can’t…”, “I don’t…”, “I’m not…” too often. Please don’t do that when deep down you know that that’s not the case ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I wonder why attractive people stay away from me ๐Ÿ™ . Who do you expect me to date…? Please don’t say someone from the exact same origin 😿 .

My Type

From when I was taught about living to grow old and start a family, I’ve been imagining myself with a Dutch man of at least 7 feet tall. One who is extremely muscular and intelligent, who has bright light eyes and dark hair.

“Dutch” because I want to know the experience of life in a white Dutch family. In school I often blended in with the foreign kids, and had some Dutch friends as well, but I wasn’t allowed to stay outside as late and go anywhere, the way they were/are allowed to. And the combination of our heritages will make us veryyy powerful, globally ๐Ÿ™‚ .

At least 7 feet, because I’m living with a love deficit and experiencing love from someone tall is unique. I don’t come across men that tall often. I would love to experience how it feels to cuddle someone at whose chest height I am, the way short girls experience that. Plus when it comes to sports, I like a challenge ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I am, by the way, attracted to women as well. Just because this is a men’s world, still, when it comes to power, I prefer something more traditional.

Muscular and intelligent, because it’s irresistible and “mutual intelligence” will keep our conversation diverse and exciting (if I’m able to calm my attraction nerves ๐Ÿ˜€ ).

And bright light eyes and dark hair, because I find the contrast so beautiful. I want a brighter eye color, too, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . Plus mixed children with bright eyes are sooo 😻 . But in actuality, I feel attracted to some people who don’t look like that, too.

Am I your typeยฟ I find it very hard to see if someone’s into me or not, when I’m speaking to anyone.

Thinking Funds

It would be cool to be a publisher with a literary cafe, right? ๐Ÿ™‚ All I need is some people who already have a name, to invest in it and publicly endorse it.

Due to overpopulation, it would do better in a secluded area, where visiting the cafe would then become a special day trip. Plus I like to work outside busy cities and prefer calmth in a public space. Members only entrance?

I could then organize events in my own event space ๐Ÿ™‚ . I would much rather have it be part of my own compound, though, for the concepts for alternative food distribution I have. It would be cool if big companies that are around for years already, would collab with me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

This is not a concept for traditional crowd funding…

I’m exhausted, so I’m going to fold out the electronic leg rest of the couch in the semi-anex-ish space in this house, and reason some. Writing and typing I should do less, because my brain feels as if it can give out any second meoww ciao xxx


23:03 (11:03 PM)ย 

Bath Cat

Spending the rest of my day reasoning, without a phone or anything else requiring cognitive energy, was sooo nice. Though I haven’t been productive for my websites, and money troubles were consuming me a bit, it was very comfortable.

To amplify the comfort, I’m taking a bath now. It has been sooo long since I’ve soaked in this little bath…

Fangs in bath

From bed cat, to bath cat, my meoww 😽

And I hadn’t showered all day, so it feels very right to do this ahaha…

But the mental calmth is only sealed when I put away my phone…

Tomorrow, I’m planning on being genuinely productive with these websites. But only at the start of the day. I just want to have the texts I want to be on it, written in advance. Then it’s a matter of copy-pasting, when I’m done configuring the designs. So tomorrow, at the start of the day, I’ll be writing.

I’ve always been this “last minute student” and that shows in how I run this mini web empire haha… Wish I had some people working for me, who will enjoy how chill I am when it comes to salary (partially upfront) and the influence I allow you to have. Hehe ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Later tomorrow, I’m going to attend a food tasting event in a castle: Slot Zeist. I love food and events, so I’m so looking forward to it ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m intending to socialize and meet some new people. Hopefully hand out some business cards… Even though my websites aren’t finished x_x . I hope to see you there ๐Ÿ™‚ . It starts at 12 and ends at 7. We’ll probably be there around 4 or so…

There’s a party next door, so I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep any time soon. (I’ve been playing loud music often enough, though, so it’s definitely not a big deal.) But after having soaked a little more – though this bath its plug is old so it goes empty out itself over time – I’m going to attempt to sleep.

Good night and hope to see you tomorrow introducing yourself saying you’re my fellow Fangyist (I hope that will happen, but I’m convincing myself that it won’t, so that I won’t be disappointed haha)…

Sweet dreams ♥


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy, Videos

Reform Development Day 1 [Friday, June 14, 2019]

01:30 (AM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

I’m Vampin’, my meowww. Too excited to go to sleep. Once I get going, I don’t want to quit until it’s done. For the sake of keeping that up, today is Reform Development Day 1.

The video I recorded earlier is being converted to MPEG4, so that I can upload it to YouTube. And – this was a big step – I finished my contact page ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope the world will treat my contact information fairly…

I really hope you’ll reach out to me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The video conversion progress is now finished for 75%. It is now 02:02 (AM). In the meantime, I’ve answered some ASKfm questions.

As part of Reform Development Day – lol actually spontaneous coincidence because I was getting bored with those stupid “funny videos” and other nonsense anyway – I will delete my Facebook and Instagram account today, at 6 PM (UTC +01:00). I don’t know who has been reporting my blog on there, but I wonder why that hasn’t happened from the very beginning I created those accounts, then. Debatable death threats were on there and here from the very beginning. All text I tried to share on those networks, became blocked after I shared that voice recording (in which -> I <- was mistreated) again on Crisis Center Day 6. What I find the most scandalous about this incorrect treatment, is that they don’t even tell me why they are blocking my text and blog link(s). (Then I could much easier tell them that they are in the wrong for blocking me. Don’t forget: I might have websites, through which other people’s bad actions are stored and shared with the world, but the people I speak of are (mostly) anonymous, and in reality, it is still thousands against 1: against me. People forget that I have feelings, too. The reason why I have this blog, is because they have fucking hurt my feelings far too fucking often, and I have no one I can comfortably share this with in my circle.)

I, by the way, still also don’t know who the fuck put my book on I wonder how many people have read it… It’s soooooo fucking insane that it is on there and I don’t even get a fucking share of the fucking sales????? I’ll not spend it on fucking dumb things… I’m trying to constitute a new country here…

Meoww I’m going to empty and fill up the dish washer – is what I promised when I said that I’m not going to eat TV dinner but eat in my room. Then my video will be converted, I’ll share it with you here, as it is uploading to YouTube. Then we’ll all wake up to a video of me reading another post and this time even more clearly mention that I’m so deeply in love with Victor Geskes 😻 . (Hope I won’t receive another phone call from a very aggressive sounding, hissing female, if I write down his name here… 😏 )

Haha it was my intention to read yesterday’s post as well, and afterwards go into web development related things. But I ended up elaborating on the first time I spoke with him in sooo much detail ahahaha… And then told “our” story from that moment until what the fuck happened on Tuesday 😂 . I did end it with working on my contact page.

Lol meanwhile it’s 02:54 and I’ll do the dishes after having slept. I’ll also write a caption after I’ve slept, but will still upload and publish this video now, because you really need to see it! 😻

I’m going to sleeep. Good night ♥

My video will be available here ayyy

~ xxx ~

18:24 (06:24 PM)

I posted these pictures on my (other) social media yesteday:


Yess invest in me bitte.

Sooo un-cuddle ๐Ÿ™

There’s no way I’ll ever go back there.

And I deleted my accounts just now. I love it when I stick to my words.

Right before going to sleep. I realized that today is Friday and I had another appointment scheduled with my case manager and the experience expert. Though my alarm went off at 10 AM and the appointment was at 11, I had a hard time getting up. Ended up leaving the house around 5 past 11, so I was there 11:20. It was very comfortable venting again. They ask very good questions.

I hope to receive a referral soon, so that I can get my second opinion at “The Therapist”. I hope to get rid of that schizophrenic/psychotic individual label soon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Now I’ll be writing the rest of the text for the D.O.C.I.S. International website. And I’ve also claimed my new web store domain and have given it a SSL certificate ๐Ÿ™‚ . A long name is funny, because it’s “against the rules”: ๐Ÿ˜€ . I wanted to start adding my manuscripts to the database of het centraal boekhuis, but it’s unavailable ๐Ÿ™ . I hope it will be working properly after the weekend. I need this money meowww ๐Ÿ™ .

Againnnn ayy. I also took the best nap ever, there ๐Ÿ™‚ .

So I’ll be writing it out with pen and paper first, because I spend too much time behind screens. It gives me dry eyes x_x.

Though we should all cut down on screen time, because it’s unnatural, I hope you’ll watch my YouTube videos, instead of watching a movie ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll probably write you again before I go to sleep. Enjoy the rest of your day ♥ .


22:57 (10:57 PM)

Meoow I ended up saying “Yes” to the reiterated question if I want to go along to the wholesale market (Makro). We ran into some family friends there ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The dates (food lol) are amazing and so was the rib-eye! Meoow tomorrow I’m going to stuff some dates (food ahahaha) with soft goat cheese 😻 .

But I was already tired before this day started and now I still have so much to do ๐Ÿ™ . (But what I do is not seen as a job here ๐Ÿ™ . Yes, it does not pay well, but that’s just because I have no investors ๐Ÿ™ . ) And I also need to re-twist my hair, because it’s becoming very frizzy. I want to make tighter twists, so that I can put it in a high ponytail on Sunday, when we’re going to a tasting event in a castle: Slot Zeist. I have nothing to wear, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . I really need new clothing, but have 0 stacks ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ . Especially after today. First there was about โ‚ฌ120 on my account. Now there’s only โ‚ฌ1, because my stupid health care premium was deducted from my account ๐Ÿ™ . I really hope my manuscripts will sell… ๐Ÿ™ Even more, I hope that I’ll somehow find some Victishe-level Graeynissis who would like to do business with me…

And meooow being single sucks even more during the Summer season 😥 . This hot weather makes me want to kiss and go places… But I don’t have a fixed income, so I don’t feel comfortable spending money meowww 😿 .

I’m going to go to sleep, having dreams about Victishe… I wish we were together meoww ๐Ÿ™ . Then I could also chill with my B 😋 . Haha helppp.

I would love to outsource all of the work that is exhausting me, by the way. But I still haven’t had any investors ever in my life ๐Ÿ™ . Please be the first ♥ .

Goood nighttt ♥


Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Back Online :) [Thursday, June 13, 2019]

09:35 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I’m so glad to be back online, and I’m even more glad to find you here again ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s such a risk to lose (frequent) visitors, when going offline (unannounced) ๐Ÿ™ .

One of the greatest down sides of not having a fixed income, is that it’s not guaranteed that there’s enough on my account, to pay my bills. But it’s fixed now and I’m even out of personal debit account debt ๐Ÿ™‚ . So after paying my โ‚ฌ25 hosting bill Tuesday night (so cheap because I’m the administrator myself), I’m back online now ๐Ÿ™‚ .

To not be able to pay a bill of โ‚ฌ25 is a truly heartbreaking feeling. I’m glad that I’m currently making financial progress that is better than it has ever been, without a fixed income. As in my best time, financially, was last Summer, with my guaranteed income, working as an aid, but now I’m starting to have better passive income prospects. Especially after what else happend on Tuesday, I will ne-ver work for a boss again! (In that way, I also have a lot more time to befriend Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™‚ . (By “Graeynissis”, I mean intelligent, alternatively reasoning individuals. Not that fake subscriber account I made on the forum here, who is actually me, haha.))

This is a very good financial momentum, already being out of debt, because from today, I can sell my manuscripts to other publishers and book stores!!! ๐Ÿ˜€
And having my manuscripts in that database will also make it a lot easier for me to sell them through the D.O.C.I.S. store ๐Ÿ™‚ .

And oh my goddd my meowww, so much has happend since my website went down! I’ll update you through anecdotes, tweets and pictures, but will do this after I’ve had breakfast and made a schedule of tasks for today. When I tell you, depends on how my schedule will be. I’ll be visiting the bank to make a little deposit, for sure. Other tasks, I’ll be selecting from this list (that is even still incomplete):

Putting my hand on the side that has a traumatic text on it. My gohdddd

“Overig” was because I became tired of making the list and just felt like summarizing the rest. The app I want to (have) develop(ed) is not even on it… I’d prefer to have the funds to hire someone/people to take care of all of my web activity. Something I’ve mentioned often. I’m a good investment my meowww.

Other tasks are on Though officially not planned, I already started using it! Because this domain was blocked due to that bill (which is to fund all domains I have, but blocks wordpress of a certain sub-contract, when I’m behind on payments), I already started using it, because I feel so empty when I can’t write you ๐Ÿ™ . Please check out The Fangs :D. I hope and think you’ll love it (when it’s done 😻 )! And I hope you’ll be my guest blogger/guest writer! 😻

More information about that will follow when my domains are finished ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m back online meoww please tell a friend ๐Ÿ™‚ .


17:13 (05:13 PM)

I’ve gone to the bank to deposit the โ‚ฌ150 my grandmother gave me for helping her reporting her taxes in May ๐Ÿ™‚ . Now I’m officially out of personal bank account debt (as in I still have this huge study loan and this Elia PR bank account I want to unsubscribe but need to take out of debt first ahaha ๐Ÿ™ ). And I just decided to record a video in which I tell you everything that happened since my website went down.

In case you don’t like watching videos: here is a set of pictures that summarizes most of what I’ve been doing since Vampin’:

It was very nice catching up with my aunt, chilling on her balcony ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Her room is pretty ๐Ÿ™‚ . That crib there left is from her grandchild, who sadly wasn’t around when I visited.

We then went back to my house for the family dinner my father prepared. It was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Then I slept over at my aunt’s place. Waking up to an unavailable website. She doesn’t sleep in her bed due to a trauma, and I find it very sweet that she gave me her room. I’ll be visiting far more often…

That Monday I went from my aunt’s in Rotterdam, to my cousin’s in Amstelveen. It was her 28th birthday. I won the first game of “Weerwolven” as the only wolf ๐Ÿ™‚ . Haha I had to figuratively digest a child to get that mayor card, on the left, but that strategy helped me win ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Finishing touches…ย 

Uncovering wolves and stuffff ayy that game really is a lot of fun

Pics in the wrong order, but I realized my pants were torn, just before I left my aunt’s place.

Sweetness @ receiving that drawing. Then I showed the children there how to fold a plane, because I saw they were getting frustrated from not having toys to play with and being in the same space for hours.

The starter was “okersoep” with crabs. It was my first time eating it with crab, which was cool :).

Then, at home, I made these semi-explicit pictures, because I was feeling like a wild Catje, from my plans of calling Victishe for lunch… (That ended up going soooo next level oh my goddd x_x.)

Still feeling wild…

This was actually the first picture out of three I made. Searching for an angle…

I prepared this meal yesterday. The salad, I enjoyed the most ๐Ÿ™‚ . The recipe is on Twitter:

This is what I bought at the drug store, after leaving the bank. Haha I tweeted: “All these death threats and I’m still suffering from dry eyes” hahahahaahahah

I think because of the combination of cropped up anger, cropped up sadness and having been grounded so very often, I love cycling through the rain, when it’s not windy ๐Ÿ™‚ . Smiling felt weird for that picture, so I didn’t, but believe me when I say that I’m feeling better than ever :).

Okay meoww the sun is out and I feel like catching some more outside air, so I’m going to smoke a cigarette (lol niet nadoen) and then I’m going to record a video in which I read Vampin’, this post and old tweets, and tell you the details of everything that happened since this blog went down. And after that, I’ll be working on my websites, while still recording, because meooowww I have so much to tell you ๐Ÿ™‚ . Plus being silent and alone is kind of boring. (But still better than losing precious working time and being stuck with superficial conversation ๐Ÿ™‚ .)


Blog, Explicit Content, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

Vampin’ [Sunday, June 9, 2019]


Meoww I just made myself a late night snack. Back in the day when I was 14 and cool on Twitter, if I’d be awake late at night like this, I’d say that I’m Vampin’. I’m Vampin’, my Graeyniss.

Hungry… Crank up the volumeee:

Do you have sexy traditional plans for Pentecost you need some arm candy Catje for?

Let’s eat duck, Victishe?

Do you copy? Click on the previous bitte.

Shitt I’m tired mayneee ๐Ÿ™ .

This was hilarious:

Would you watch if I’d stream on Periscope…? I just downloaded it after a tip… Or maybe I should use Twitter or YouTube for itยฟ Not that I really have anything prepared. It’s more an “ever” question. If I’d live stream I want it to look better than the Prime Minister’s live stream… Not another video from my bedroom ๐Ÿ™ .

Aiight I’m going to atten my orange juice and head upstairs. I told my aunt that I was going to be at her place at 12. Though my mother hasn’t invited her, maybe she would rather eat Peking duck?

Victishe? Meow I hope he has nothing planneddd… It would be cool to just wildly spontaneously bring me some flowers and then eat this duck with my family, including my aunt, or just run away from this entire country forever, just us two (and our Graeynissis)?

Ooof I can pass out any second now 😴

Good night ♥


09:40 (AM)

It feels as if I’m avoiding an important confrontation… Plus I have sooo much anger to vent, so why run?

That is sarcasm, my dear Graeynissis.

Still funny that the Netherlands is greater in size than Surinam, on this map…

Dinner conversations…

Would be lit…

Ahahahhaahha is it then finally suspicious?

So I’m just screaming for help in non-capslock all day, while using proper interpunction and a calm tone of voice. There are like a zillion figurative demons you’ll have to swerve past on your way to me.

I really hope my aunt is in the mood for Peking duck tonight ๐Ÿ™‚ . And I hope for a spontaneous Victishe’s visit 😻 .

I’m in bed, shivering from hunger, with hunger pains again.


10:20 (AM)



But number 2 becomes number 1, more order changes will be there and the list will become farrr longer. Unsuspected criminals.

Look at me tweet my homieeeee:

I think I, by the way, remember Victishe having a slight Surinamese accentยฟ Are we relativesยฟ ๐Ÿ™ Haha meowww je weet maar nooitt maar beter niet lol. Is het wel zo, dan is het wel zo hahaha ik weet het niet maar will zip it want niet weer schizofrenie gedoe please ah meowww…

Hoe zeg je “Boeroe” in non-offensive?


Blog, Media, Online Diary, Videos

~ While eating sushi, reading out loud

I was planning to make another video about editing my websites, but you know I don’t like doing web development related things… So I impulsively decided to read my, at that moment, most recent diary post out loud and comment on the words I have written there.

It was a lot of fun recording it. You can clearly see me get more comfortable with you, as time passes by. I tell you, for example, all about my feelings for King Victishe…

And there are manyyy tangents in this video! All about the content I’ve been putting out in the open: from death threats to commentary on some awful Dutch political decision making…

Please enjoy ๐Ÿ™‚


You’ll hear me speak Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚

Blog, Explicit Content, Online Diary

Processing… [Saturday, June 8, 2019]

01:05 (AM)

Meowww my laptop is processing the video of three hours I made earlier, reading and elaborating on yesterday’s diary post, while eating sushi ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’ll let you know when it’s online ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I keep postponing changing around my websites, because I would rather pay someone to do it… That’s how I ended up reading a post out loud for you ๐Ÿ™‚ .


02:16 (AM)

My video is almost fully processed now ๐Ÿ™‚ . You can follow the process live here:

Meanwhile, I’m going to bed.

Goood nighttt ♥


14:51 (02:51 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

I don’t know what time I’ll be heading over to my aunt’s yet. Assuming that it’s going through. In the video, I mentioned that she asked me when I was coming to stay over at her place, on the phone yesterday, and that I told her “tomorrow” ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m about to make myself “breakfast”… Hungry as fuckkkkk…


16:19 (04:19 PM)

AHAHAHAHA oooh my goddd 05:30 got me crying out of laughter! 😂 😂 😂

[Hadn’t shared that here yettt]

In other news: I’m sitting at the dinner table with my phone w/music on, wearing a bathrobe, just having finished my first meal of the day, which was more ramen. Better foods are expensive for me meowww ๐Ÿ™ . I wonder what Victishe eats for breakfast… I also wonder if he’ll ever give me Cishes. Sealing the eternal, in my case, can never be too soon ๐Ÿ™ . I want influence and someone sexy whose arm candy I can be…

Going back to bed ๐Ÿ™ .

I like watching my own videos 😂


21:00 (09:00 PM)

I’ve been in extreme bed pet mode for most of the day again. Dreaming of wanting someone I can’t have?

Haha Victishe must know I was catching feelings already. Every time I’ve heard him speech and everyone regularly applauds, I was saying “Woooohoooo” like a little mascotte 😂 .

How can I get Cishes? ๐Ÿ™

Interesting Twitter activity:

I’m going to my aunt early tomorrow, by the way, instead of today.

Have you ever cried out of loneliness?


22:22 (10:22 PM)

I like Twitter “debates” like thisss ๐Ÿ™‚

I find my ex a bitch when it comes to this and generalizing genders, by the way, calling all females “an enigma to men”. Domste shit die ik ooit heb gehoord.

I want to take the stage and set a better example meowww. With you and Victishe by my side ♥ .


22:33 (10:33 PM)

I hadn’t even shared my morning anxiety with you yet, by the way:

And the prettiness of my grandmother:

Do I look like my mother?

? ๐Ÿ™‚

Though I shouldn’t share the serious contents of my mind, I think, I said that the difference between our pictures indirectly shows how much the world has become a police state. I wasn’t allowed to smile and had to show my earlobes. There was much more freedom in the past, when it comes to things like that. Before the internet…

Reminds me of this answer, which isn’t forwarded to Twitter, because it includes “fucking”

&& Meoww this Victishe ๐Ÿ™ :


Blog, Explicit Content, Online Diary

Syntax Error [Friday, June 7, 2019]

08:58 (AM)

Good morning ♥

How was your night? I hope you slept well and have enjoyable things planned for today.

For me, from the afternoon onwards, things only get worse, it seems. Stress has woken me up early. The prospects of my schedule make me think: “Please take me back to the crisis center,” because of both repetitious verbal therapy sessions and visitors coming over on the weekend, et cetera. All while I wish I could be with my dear Victor.

My wish of wanting to be with him is nothing new. I’ve been mentioning him in my diary since the first time I saw him… (On my first day of work…)
Wanting to seal the eternal is new. I wish I had this idea when I was still working for him… Now I don’t know how I could spend some time with him ๐Ÿ™ .

Especially because I want to be alone with him, so that I can ask him personal questions and maybe get some innocent hugs and kisses… I wouldn’t know if I’d be able to control myself, though. (Because I feel as though the attraction between us is quite intense?) And I am untamable 😻 . Ah you make me so wet meoww, without even doing something sexual ๐Ÿ™ . I neeeeeddd to be with you… The way I crave for you is sooooooo intense… I really need to have sex with you oh god please help the little ocean in my panties ๐Ÿ™ .

And very seriously, I do not want to be in this house on Sunday. Better even from Sunday onwards. Even better even from 12 years ago. To speak my mind and share with the world who I wouldn’t mind living without, and to then casually have dinner with them? Noo man. I have no supporters here. I seriously have nothing to say to my non-supporters and I can’t stand the superficiality in their conversation.

Haha if my unofficial boyfriend were with me, it would be bearable. But still, I would rather not even witness the get-together. And I can’t say “Tyf op uit mijn huis alsjeblieft. Ik betaal je ervoor,” because I do not own this house and I don’t have any money.

Please buy my essay and help me escape this weekend 😿 . You’d help me escape the circle I absolutely do not want to make part of.

[products category=”essays-3″]

If I’d fake going crazy again, I would end up at the closed vicinity. That would save me from gatherings I don’t want to witness, but that wouldn’t save me from therapy sessions I absolutely do not want to have.

I don’t even have money, so I can’t, for example, treat myself with some days at the spa. Ahahahahaha fucking helppp 😿 😿 😿 . My mental CPU is fried… The tension x_x.

In other news: June is going quite well, statistically…


I’m in bed, as usual, being stressed the fuck out. But I’m going to get up and fry myself some ramen… xxx

By the way, marrying a wealthy, influential older white male – who might be the handsomest on the planet – would be the final addition to my life that would make certain individuals hate me to the fullest. I’m already colored, female, tall, intelligent and ambitious, with an outspoken opinion. I really should add my incredibly good taste in men to this list, so that everyone knows why I deserve a spot over there, living comfortably in the shadows, far away from this proletarian chaos.

And seriously, many middle-aged women will hate me for taking him off the market… I deserve protection…


19:27 (07:27 PM)

I love it when a situation turns out better than I expect it to be. The conversation I had with the person handling my case and the experience expert she invited over, was very comfortable. Nothing about antipsychotics and being accused of being in the wrong and stuff. Very nice! She even said that the conclusion could be that there is nothing to diagnose ๐Ÿ™‚ . I could also level with the experience expert very well. I’m also very interested in the concept of being an experience expert. I think I could become an expert on many things ๐Ÿ™‚ . And it would solve my issue of not having a fixed income…

For my second opinion, I think it’s best to pay “The Therapist” [he’s a celeb meowww. You can check him on Vice (a TV channel) ๐Ÿ™‚ ] a new visit, but this time arrange meeting up with him myself. From what he has told me about his own emotional perspective, I think I can have a conversation about my controllable bloodlust with him. I do wonder what DSM definition suits that, though my feelings are very controllable. I’m really not trying to give myself a new DSM stamp. I’m so glad my case manager told me the same thing! That’s a relief.

All I need is someone to talk to, who doesn’t want to force his/her will upon me. So I’m glad I could empty out my heart at my case manager and experience expert, today. I’m sure I’ll be able to level with “The Therapist”, too. I’ll contact his assistant after the weekend. My parents have used him as their therapist, too – on my medical record, so he already knows my situation at home. That saves a lot of explaining ๐Ÿ™‚ . And he is Surinamese, too, which again saves a lot of explaining ๐Ÿ™‚ . Truthfully, I would love to record my conversation with him! I think it would be a great Fangy debut of myself 😋 . Especially if I’d wear a strait jacket! 😂 😂 😂

Other positive news is that I finally signed the documents sent to me by het Centraal Boekhuis :). (I’m planning on doing international shipping manually…) Soon, other stores will be able to resell my books in both tangible and intangible formats, and I will also sell a little selection of books that are not written by me. I hope I’ll be selling your book :). I hope they have books that were originally written in Latin, in their assortiment… I want to be selling Letters from a Stoic 😻 . My registration was a little impulsive…

Haha by the way, my case mananger asked me if I have any other contacts for my case. I wish I could say: “Yes! Victishe, my husband.” (It would be funny to give his office number, which is the only number I have of him 😂 . (I’m far too afraid of rejection, so I don’t call ๐Ÿ™ . But I still want a Cishe… 😿 )) Meow I should maybe genuinely ask for his perspective, though, because I’ve been a killer employee and then became crazy traumatized from all of those demonic clients…. And now I’m a house Catje ๐Ÿ˜€ . (Trying to make some internet money…)

I’m waiting for my sushi to be delivered (I received some sushi money from my father), as my parents are out partying with my “uncle”. I’m thinking of recording myself while I edit my websites. Still need to finish

It’s now 20:13 and my sushi was just delivered ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’ll just record myself while eating ahahahahaha. Just feel like talking meoww…


Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Grapefruit [Thursday, June 6, 2019]

13:48 (01:48 PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

I just finished my first “meal” of the day: a selection of fruit I feel in the mood for, from the fruit basket downstairs.

Grapefruit, een nectarine, een “gold” kiwi en een banaan ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I’m back in my bed… It’s a sunny day, so I’d like to go outside, but my bank accounts are maxed out and I’m not in the mood to walk in the park by myself.

Plus, I have no idea where my house keys are? I didn’t take them with me, when I went to the crisis center. I now can’t go to the gym either, because my membership token is attached to it. In the past, my parents have confiscated my house key every time I distanced myself from them, so I really wonder where they are, now that they’re not in the regular places.

When it comes to my thoughts of getting married and moving on from all of this shit; not having a key is not even that bad. If I take all of my belongings with me [including my sisterยฟ] on my way out and never return, what do I need the keys for?

I need someone who is lonely, too, who I could cuddle with ๐Ÿ™ . Look at my view:

They’re closed because I don’t feel like putting clothes on (ever again lol)

I want to cuddle meoww but meoww I guess I should think of how I want my business website to look and work on that, sitting in the “backyard”. I’d rather spend time with my Vicje, though… Meooow my hearttttt….. I don’t know how to get this Catje all to myself… ๐Ÿ™

Does anyone have any tips? Please let me know, by placing a comment… 😏

Please, buy my essay and support my independent living and plans for societal reform… 😏

[products category=”essays-3″]


16:12 (04:12 PM)

I’m losing ittt

I hope that my Vicje would agree with me that those women attacking this other Catje, in the video in my tweet, are fucking dumb bitches… There is no way spending 1000 billion euros to renovate the fucking ugly houses in this country should be done by the state. That is not a fucking climate measure!?!? How much of that money will be used to buy new cars and shit!?!?

As the next ruling generation, I say that that 1000 billion euros for this “climate measure” is unnacceptable! If the houses here are of too much shit quality, just fucking bomb the place and let the dykes flood. Then nature will be back in balance and no one will be disturbed by fucking dumb bitches like that anymore!!!!!

Haha meow my opinion is always very outspoken… I’m laying here, contemplating whether I’d be a suitable wife for Victor… I mean with the whole schizophrenia thing and wanting to start a revolution and being power hungry and stuff… Life will be full of excitement and wild(ly impulsive) experiences, with me. That’s for certain! That is what Graeynissis need, right? I think we are an absolutely perfect match! 😻

How about crowns instead of wedding rings? I’m Queen Fangs meowww…
Haha meow I don’t want to make you go broke because of all of the things I still want to do in life…

Like holding that 24 hour benefit, making a movie, consituting my own country, having my own TV channel, having my own lifestyle line, et cetera… Please marry meee I want someone sexy by my side at all times! 😻 My King Vicje… 😻 Let’s throw Willie off his throne so that that 1000 billion climate bullshit doesn’t go through!

Will you be my loyal knight in shining armour? 😻 I also want to be the queen of Sipaliwini, aside from the Netherlands… And that of California 😻 I have too many ideas for global reform yooo I wouldn’t be able to do that now, if I’d marry someone of my own age (probably watching fucking Netflix all day)… So Vicje pleaseeeยฟ 😻

I hope he hasn’t found a new flame yettt… Or just cut that off real quick ๐Ÿ˜€ . Come to my house? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ah meoww the ceiling isn’t that high though and I’m in bed pet mode… But I want to seeee youuu ah meoww…


17:34 (05:34 PM)

And when I say married I mean onder gemeenschap van goederen with the full name change and everything! 😻
Ik wil het liefst zelfs een derde naam: Lucy (van lux fero…).

Meooow het idee van ons samen is nu zoo erg in mijn hoofd geprent dat ik echt hoop dat dit onze nieuwe realiteit zal worden! 😻

I really hope and even think that Victor is receiving the sound signals from my reasoning in person. This because the first time I spoke to him, I was standing sooo close to him (fighting myself not to touch him). Then, on my way to the next time, I told myself not to stand so close to him, because it might seem odd. But then the next time talking to him, I was standing almost inside him when speaking to him, again, and when I noticed this, in true silence, we took a step back from each other, EXACTLY at the same time!!! Meooow I soo hope it’s true! 😻

Ahaha I don’t want to think of anything elseeeee! Especially not of psychiatry ah meoww the quest for a truly independent second opinion is so dreadful… I wish I could cuddle my Vicje and cook for him and stuff… 😻 If we get together, I would not feel dragged down by my medical record anymore!


19:47 (07:47 PM)

Meooow time is passing by… Tomorrow is getting closer. I want that psychiatric surveillance off my back. That’s why I kind of feel like stopping time. What is there to discuss for me, with a nurse from the “early intervention for psychoses” team? Nothing. But my parents want me to fuck up my medical record further, so that no one listens to me anymore, when I say that the circle I was born in is no good. My mother has already contacted a clinic in Belgium. The problem is that they should hear my side of the story before hers, because she always describes me as a first class lunatic.

If I’d have a good distraction – sex, good conversations, people I can do business with – I would not feel depressed as fuck.

I need someone I can do business with… I need Cishes from my Victishe 😻 . He has the full package… 😻

He is hands down the handsomest man I have ever seen… And he is smart as well 😻 .

And I would, of course, be the absolute perfect housewife! Getting involved in everything he does, giving my perspective on every business decision he shares with me (I hope it will be all of them ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I’ll also be his little (side-)advocate (because he certainly is his own advocate), telling those fucking awful clients of him, who get agressive over not receiving a Mercedes for paying a โ‚ฌ15 premium, dat ze echt de tyfus kunnen krijgen en ik hoop dat ze zich de volgende keer doodrijden. (In case you wonder why I’m not part of the summer staff anymore: that is why 😂 . And I’m not up for superficial conversations with colleagues either. #PTSD)

Haha if I’d get a euro for every time one of those peasants told me “Ik wil de directeur spreken,” I would be able to buy him myself 😂 . They should really not speak of my Vicje like that… 😾 Same goes for personnel. I still feel like crying, from their response to those “Thinking about you” cards and chocolates. I love that creativity and would literally kill to receive that. Fuck this place, man.

We should just replace everything by D.O.C.I.S. International and replace the Netherlands by water. That will definitely cool off the planet!

I don’t feel like discussing the contents of my blog with any psychiatry related individual who wants me to take antipsychotics… I don’t want tomorrow to happen meoow save me ๐Ÿ™ .


23:42 (11:42 PM)

I’m such a random catje for suddenly hyping the thought of marriage. I needed time to realize that this could be the best decision we’d ever make.

Though I still don’t even know if it’s mutual, because my business e-mail address is blocked ๐Ÿ™ . But my personal one isn’t. Now I wonder if that’s because it was forgotten to be blocked, or because I may only reach out to this sexy Catje for personal things? Of course, that is my preference? I didn’t even know that that was an option ๐Ÿ™ . There are many Graeyniss things I still want and need to learn, my Graeyniss… Please teach me 😻 .

Ugh tomorrowww ๐Ÿ™ . It feels like when I just started this diary, all over again. Marriage seriously is the only way out of this awful vicious cycle. And it’s a good cure for the chronic loneliness I’ve been suffering from for years… Plus it would give me hope for a better future and stuff…

I would love to not live alone anymore. Alone in the context of having no one I can level with, while coming across both familiar and new faces every day… (Mentioning it here every time would be painful…)

I really want a new life and a new circle, so if I’d get married, that would mean that I wouldn’t even let the majority of people from my circle know. They already treat me as if the real me doesn’t exist anymore, so, to them, I’d definitively be gone, just like that. Fuck saying goodbye…

It’s what I desire… I have so many (more) burdens, I don’t want to bother my Victishe with this ๐Ÿ™ . But I really need the help of a true Graeyniss, to start over. I really want him to be that person ♥.

Because how to cause the shift, I wouldn’t know. I can’t even get myself out of psychiatric surveillance for good… And I know there are plenty of people who don’t want me to get married. Those who tell me about all of the horrors of marriage, since I was a child, for example, who want me to be their fraud accountant.

I know I would be damn good at it, but I’d rather do good and stay on the right path. Plus they have been making such stupid financial decisions… And I don’t even know how many stupid financial decisions they have made in my name, when I was a child.
That’s why I’d love to be saying: “My husband has a Law degree 😻 .” And that’s why I want to fully distance myself from the life I’ve had from here in the region of Rotterdam. Mijn hemel wat een stad zeg…

My feelings have become extreme overnight. We should really go on a date, my Vicje 😻 . But the type of date after which I move into your house straight after…? I would absolutely love that 😂 .

In reality, I’m going to sleep in a bit, feeling a bit frustrated because I’ve become this psychiatric puppet again. After so much effort to escape it. I was trying to initiate a court case, not be forced to take antipsychotics again…

Meoww I miss you, my Victishe ๐Ÿ™ . I hope you’ll somehow cuddle me 😿

Good night ♥


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Another day…? [Wednesday, June 5, 2019]

00:23 (12:23 AM)ย 

I still hope you’ll purchase and read my essay, and let me know what you think of its content ๐Ÿ™‚ .

[products category=”essays-3″]

It is written with the intention of discussing it on a much larger scale, and reach a consensus when it comes to shifting the hierarchy to a bottom-up construction. In it, I also say that the identities of some individuals can apply to multiple layers at the same time. You’ll find it interesting ๐Ÿ™‚ .

And I would like a new social circle, because I’m far too different from the people in my current one. I can talk to them, but we can’t relate to each other. If you can relate to me, please buy my essay so that we can become life long friends. And tell your friends that you’ve bought my sexy essay. The information in it, will give you something in return that is of much greater value than the purchase price…

Especially if you have a Dutch bank account, please purchase it via a bank transfer ๐Ÿ™‚ . That’s one out of two of the payment options when you proceed to the checkout on this blog.

Bitte buy my essay so that I can be happy, living life the way I should… It feels wrong to live life with the people from that list. In reality, out personalities do not match at all, so it really is better when I leave.

Closer to the German border, it’s safer, water-wise. But then again, Wassenaar is at the sea side, and I so love the sound and scent of the sea (though I find Dutch beaches a quite uncomfortable sight (especially after having visited Nassau twice…))… Plus that it’s a green neighborhood with pretty houses…

I’ll receive a phonecall today, from the “early intervention for psychoses” team, to talk about how we could go about this… If my mother wouldn’t have called my phycisian, it wouldn’t be my current greatest burden. (Like I’ve said often, my physician wants me to be declared incompetent.) If I truly wanted it, I would have asked for it myself… But of course I cooperate, because I didn’t want to receive another threat of being sent to the closed vicinity. Then I’d rather be here in my room.

Staring at this sight…

I wish I could sit around a table with official authorities from multiple fields, and talk about the PR strategy I have for them… (But I’m such a wild catje that meeting up with me will already cause many rumors. (Though we can easily spin that into our advantage…))

What am I going to do today… For sure trying more ways to get a lot of internet money. I really want to have my own place before the weekend. (Because of 80% of that list in Highlights being in this house then… That’s too much pressure (for my bloodlust meoww) ๐Ÿ™ .) Please buy my essay… You don’t want more dramatic sensation in my life (= this diary) and neither do I…. You want some Cishes, right? ๐Ÿ˜€ I do tooooo!

I don’t know why I keep myself from trying to commit suicide every time, because I fear missing out on something that would actually make me enjoy life. I feel like there are still many ways to try to get my business off the ground.

And fuck those who say that I’m failing in life (“vastlopen” en “de hele tijd in hetzelfde cirkeltje zitten draaien in die kamer van je” (stop talking me to death please)), who want me to do proletarian shit…

I’m going to continue to configure my official bookstore (and business website), where I can sell paperbacks (and hopefully hardcovers) myself, instead of via Amazon! 😻 Not that Amazon is bad! It’s more that I’d rather sell to Amazon, instead of receive Amazon royalties…

Meanwhile my room is so hot that I feel like passing out yooo… 😥

I wish I had someone I could share my moments with… ๐Ÿ™


02:07 (AM)

Meoww my feelings…

I’m still craving for passionate intimacy. We would look sooooo sexy together . Especially the part where, on the one hand, I’ll look like a gold digger import bride, but in reality we’ll spark a revolution 😻 .

Meoow I want sex ๐Ÿ™ . I’ve been depriving myself from it for too long now. But I know Tinder won’t satisfy me… I sound crazy for going after Victor – I live with my parents. But we would be so sexy together meow…

Plus this:

Buy my essay pleaseee…

On that thought, I’m going to sleep. Good night โ™ฅ


10:58 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

Hopefully your night was good. Mine was, too ๐Ÿ™‚ . So good that I’m secretly wishing that it were still dark outside, so that I wouldn’t feel the need to get up and do things, just because there’s daylight.

There are chorizo and mozzarella in the fridge, with which I’ll prepare something. I don’t know exactly what yet, but the combination sounds very tasty 😻 .

My mental is tired from all this creative reasoning and writing, but I’m still going to seek the strength to finish my websites…

Stiekem ben ik serieus:


17:27 (05:27 PM)

Heyy first some Twitter highlights in reverse order:

[Is my actual amount of non-anonymous visitors and views since I installed the Jetpack plugin…]

[Me pretending to be my dream companion.]

[Still got rejected ๐Ÿ™ .]

[I said the tweet is debatable because every Muslim is different, but still to rule a country can’t be refused just because of a tweet… What is the real reason why?]

[A.k.a. this is how much of a serious hot distraction my fantasies about me and Victor are… I’m going to elaborate on this.]***************

[Stats have been rising ever since I used that sex image for a featured image.]

[Het imperium dat ik eerst nog wel moet creeeren… Land kopen/veroveren enzo…]

*************** An anonymous individual asked me to describe what I’d do to his/her body sexually, if I’d get to do what I want. Not knowing if sexual attraction would be there, I was so bold to write out what I would do to Victor if there is mutual attraction and he is as sweet as I think that he is [explicit]:

“💕 Ik zal je eerst vol passie zoenen en je helemaal uitkleden. Vervolgens duw ik je op bed en zal ik je hele lichaam masseren met massageolie, omdat je zo lang en hard gewerkt hebt, terwijl ik je op willekeurige plaatsen op je lichaam kusjes geef. Ik begin bij je nek en schouders.
Wanneer ik zie hoe hard je bent, geniet ik van je penis met mijn mond, alsof het een bijzonder lekker ijsje is, terwijl ik je diep in je ogen aankijk. Vervolgens zoen ik je weer [als dat magยฟ] en wrijf ik je penis langs mijn clitoris en voel je hoe nat ik ben.
Ik geef je dan zuigzoenen, terwijl ik met mijn heupen draai enzo, zonder handen. Daarna haal ik mijn handen door je haren, terwijl ik onze slapen tegen elkaar aan leg, en fluister ik “Please fuck me,” in je oor. Then I’m all yours 😏 .”
We would look soooo sexyyy meoow I want to feel this in real life…

It must be very random for him, that there is this random website where this random individual – The Fangs – is writing about intimacy with him? My attraction to him is real… I wouldn’t know how to get my feelings answered (in a non-digital way)? Plus, if the answer to “Cishe? :D” would be “Nooooo”, I don’t even want to know the answer…? I have no clue meowww… I could very randomly call his office number and ask? 😂 Haha but that feels so lackey-ish… Have been doing lackey shit for far too long…

I’ve been getting ASKfm questions about marriage and I’ve been saying no to the concept of marriage for very long – because of the hassle and fear of getting married to the wrong person. Plus I have so many burdens that all I can do is complain about life, and most people don’t find that sexy. So most people want sex with me, but we can’t even hold a conversation… Anyway, in this situation where my mother is clearly abusing the (financial) authority she has over me, and my physician wants me to be declared incompetent, I would love to have a husband who would like to be on my side, in this battle. I wouldn’t mind being married to the right person right now? But simultaneously, choosing only one person feels like letting down many people who receive my brain-to-brain communication. I’d only do it if I’d have their blessings… And still be allowed to give and receive innocent Cishes ๐Ÿ˜€ . I really hope Victor receives my signal, too! That would make everything so much easier and then I would be very certain of making the right choice getting fixed on spending the rest of my life with him! 😻

I do must say that I feel that I should be careful with my words, because it feels as though being divorced can cause a love-related PTSD I don’t want to negatively influence. I’m not 100% certain if we wouldn’t get into fights [I hateee fightsss, when I genuinely love that person]. But I feel so happy when I’m around you… I want to cuddle 😻 .

Meanwhile my mount of sales is still 0, and I still want to leave this life behind me, but now that I can’t live the life I want due to lack of capital, there is a session scheduled “with my parole officer”, Friday at 2 PM… I need to move to a different city to get the freedom I want. I wish I could move in to Victor’s house… I would so love to go for this spontaneous gamble 😻 . He could then also teach me everything about being a powerful and responsible Graeyniss and I could be his sexy sidekick wearing formal but tight dresses whenever we’re out in public together 😻 .

My brain feels fried from the stress of being back at ground 0 when it comes to my justice in psychiatry, and fatigue from writing so much. I’m going to play the piano… People didn’t anticipate on the previous versions of my business website, so I feel very low motivation to finish this new one. Please just buy my essay so that I can get the fuck out of this fucking awful situation and we can finally start doing actual business.

Danke schรถn ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh and I just made the “explicit content” category. Especially after Instagram fully blocking my voice, while I get to see porn videos I don’t want to see either, in my feed with suggested content. Is there anyone interested in suggesting which other posts should be in that category?

I’m – in ieder geval – going to add “Een verhaaltje”, “Not Dead Yet” and “Death O’Clock” to it… And after that I’m going to play the piano xxx

If you want me to hold a piano concert, please buy my essay. The same goes for better quality content…

[products category=”essays-3″]


22:47 (10:47 PM)

New Twitter highlights:


[That was sarcasm… Seriously don’t ask…]

[I can’t even buy an ISBN for it… Maybe I should give it a D.O.C.I.S. International Publication Code…]

[~Project Nosce Te Ipsum~…]

Meowww my mind is getting attached to the idea of getting married to my Vicje 😻 . “Vicje” sounds like a verkleinwoord, but I say it for the pronunciation, which sounds like a little orgasm, because I just find him that attractive. And I am sooo pickyyy… I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with? Intimately?

I’ve even been thinking of a guest list and how fucking many people “from my circle” I would not invite HAHAHAHA 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 . [My sister is welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Ze is net zo oud als… What’s her name? 😋 ) Other than that, I don’t know…] And how many people I have never met in person before I would invite!!! And we should really do something with speeding cars spinning donuts and figure 8’s!!! 😻

It would be such an awesome way of getting the fuck out of this room forever ๐Ÿ˜€ . I just want to know everything about being a Graeyniss, meneer Graeyniss… 😻
& A semi-long “Hitlerjugend” haircut would look sooooo good on you! 😻 😻 😻

Haha jeeetje mina, I’m getting so lost in this fantasy! 😻 I could then finally be with my Cuddles and other Graeynissis, tooooo! 😻 But how to make this reality? Or get my heart broken and get the fantasy out of my head ๐Ÿ™ . Preferably before Friday at 2 PM…

HAHA if I’d call tomorrow, what on Earth should I casually say? “Met Victor” “H-Heey… Met Dominique… [Ik zeg eigenlijk liever “Fangs” of “The Fangs”]. Wat heb je aan? 😻 Ik vind onweer echt eng. Mag ik bij jou onder de dekens komen schuilen? Heb je een bed dat groter is dan reguliere mensen hun bed? Wat eet je graag voor ontbijt??? Ik kom er zo aan doeei tot zoooo ๐Ÿ™‚ .” Haha he makes me weak in the kneeeees. Cishe? ๐Ÿ˜€

Lol noo I don’t dare to call… I prefer to see one’s face when I speak to him/her. Don’t ask me how I survived last year as telefonisch hulpverlener ahahaha… I didn’t even pick up when my “parole officer” called today x_x.

If I’d marry a Graeyniss, I would naturally start my D.O.C.I.S. Alliance. With such a sexy Graeyniss! 😻
I think my husband would support my business aspirations… 😻 My family hasn’t, my ex hasn’t, psychiatry hasn’t, I don’t even have real friends…. I think I’m ready for marriage ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Haha this is such a randomly far too awesome fantasy taking over me… 😻 I want kisses [ = Cishes, for those who are new here ๐Ÿ™‚ ] 😻

Meanwhile, in “reality”: another day of procrastination, when it comes to my business website and making a new theme for my blog… And I also want to do something with, but I don’t know what yet…

If we’d get married, there should certainly be a livestream ๐Ÿ™‚ . How about we make it a benefit of 24 hours????? 😻 Because I don’t like saying goodbye to you… To any of you!!! ♥ And I still have big stacks of plans laying around in my mind, which I’ve not put into practice yet… I would so love to do it together with you and ask for your perspective about everything 😻 .

But how to bypass the asking of hand, if we haven’t even spent time alone yet…? It should still really be bypassed, because the “no outsiders” policy in this family is far too strict… I don’t want to risk missing out on your loving 😻 . So fuck that tradition… Other traditions should also be taken with a grain of salt… Like postponing sex… But flowers shouldn’t be bypassed! I love flowers! Aw pleaseee… 😻 I’m not used to asking for expensive or “valueless” things and getting them without pleading for it at least a day… Zou ik dan ook zegmaar automatisch medeverenigingseigenares zijn??? 😻 That would be another one of my Graeyniss dreams come true!

Wist je dat ik in 2017 al een huwelijksvoorwaarden-achtig document had opgesteld? Ook om van die psychiatrische onzin af te kunnen komen. Echt toevallig 😏 . Vooral omdat men me weer aan de antipsychotica wil krijgen! Haha help me pleaseee mijn Catje… ♥

I feel like typing about this forever! But I should cut down on screen time, because it’s after twelve and I should attempt to keep my sleeping schedule the way it was when I was in that crisis center [which shouldn’t even exist. What a waste of tax and insurance money…]. Ik ben nu zogenaamd opgelapt? 😂

So I’m going to read a book or something and then lake myself to sleep… Guess what I’ll be fantasizing about!

Good night ♥

The Fangs loves you ♥


Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? ๐Ÿ˜€


01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! ๐Ÿ˜€

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side โ™ฅ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) โ™ฅ


10:49 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoรฎt Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx


12:55 (PM)ย 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.


16:25 (04:25 PM)


This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! ๐Ÿ™‚ My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out ๐Ÿ™ .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]ย  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis onย  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have ๐Ÿ™ . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairsย 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely ๐Ÿ™ . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx


21:44 (09:44 PM)ย ย 

Heyy โ™ฅ

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay ๐Ÿ™ . It might sound foolish to purchase a โ‚ฌ1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? ๐Ÿ™

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong ๐Ÿ™ . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content ๐Ÿ™ .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something ๐Ÿ™ .


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Crisis Center Day 7 [Monday, June 3, 2019]

09:23 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I woke up quite stressed out, because I don’t want to spend another day defending myself. But that’s why I’m here… All I can do is keep my head up.

I’m going to take a shower and eat something. (Won’t go outside today, because my cards are maxed out…) But before I go, I feel like sharing this:

Hehe meow I went to sleep with this thought: mijn Vicje [I sound obsessed lol]: I hope that the next time I hear you say “I really have to go”, is when I’m cuddling you in your bed and I’ll be like “Nooo I want you so bad, please give me some more Cishes” . And then we responsibly time that on the 1 minute and 36 seconds we have left and I then go with you to work because I’m your sidekick… Haha ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I’ll make a recent picture for a featured image later today. And I’ll write that essay today ๐Ÿ™‚ . Though I really feel that I need a holiday… I’ve published over 111000 words this year…

Tot later xxx


11:08 (AM)

I really wonder when things will finally go my way… Currently, they are not.

In the session just now, I was told that tomorrow, I have to leave this place. A few homeless shelter options were listed, because finding a job where shelter is offered, before tomorrow, is “unrealistic”.
And that at 1 o’clock, tomorrow, there is a session planned with people from the department – “specialized in psychoses” – I was in from April 2017 until I ran off to the United States. That they’ll see whether they’ll refer me to someone who could give me a second opinion or not. They want my parents to be present at that session… This is a lost cause, because no one wants to tell me that I’m right, because that means that dozens of people have been in the wrong for so long, and that I have the right for monetary compensation for the suffering I’ve lived through over 2 years…

So I’m going to look for a suitable homeless shelter now? I wish a sharp reader would help me :(…

In other news: I’m going to do my laundry, wishing I had some cash to buy fabric softener, for my strong odor… x_x


11:36 (AM)

It’s done around oneee

Now I’m going to change the trash bag, and then think of what homeless shelter I can go to, with 45 cents to spend, as I write an essay I’ll publish today and sell for a very low price. Please buy it ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Is it still strange that I want to die? There’s a unit for people with a depression, and I’m being sent to a unit for schizophrenics. Because of my parents…

My bloodlust comes from those who could have helped me, but prefer to make jokes about the way I feel, and watch me struggle. I want to take them with me, to the grave. Then I’d still have made the world a little better.


12:12 (PM)ย 

What currently stings my heart the most, is that it is said that me doing my own press, is considered a problem.

Ik zit al heel lang op een goed tegengeluid te wachten. Waarom begin jij, die vindt dat ik wel schizofreen ben, geen blog? Waarom doe je geen aangifte? Er staan “dodenlijsten” op dit blog, en ik heb dinsdag zonder toestemming een gesprek opgenomen en online gezet. Doe alsjeblieft aangifte tegen mij, als je oprecht vindt dat ik schizofreen ben, zodat ik dan in hoger beroep kan gaan tegen jou, en deze casus voor eens en altijd kan afsluiten.

For a truly independent second opinion, I need to either go to Belgium, or go to the United States. The Dutch system doesn’t allow for it. (You can clearly see that.) I currently do not have the funds for that.


13:18 (01:18 PM)ย 

This is what my essay will be about:

This is how I see society, the way it currently is. What D.O.C.I.S. does, is putting that in reverse.

I’m going to publish it in both Dutch and English. You’ll be able to purchase it from here. I’m also going to put it on Smashwords, and distribute it to the Apple Store et cetera.

Before I continue writing, I want to say this funny thing: around December, I sent Victor an email, in which I metaphorically referred to myself as a homeless cat, asking him if he wants to take me in. (An odd request to wich saying “yes” is not easy, I know. Maar niet geschoten is altijd mis…) And now I actually need to find shelter for tomorrow onwards. I have no options I consider options, in my network, other than him…

I’m going to continue to work on my essay…ย  xxx


14:42 (02:42 PM)ย 

A slight change of plans… I give my products a low price, because I’m trying to spread a message. But currently, I find it more important that I have a better alternative than a homeless shelter or living with my parents.

So I’m thinking of a good โ‚ฌ107,77 for this essay. 10 sales can help me last about a month, living the way I did when I was in Germany and in the United States (not very comfortable, but doable). 100 sales can make me rent something. 1000 sales and we can really start talking. I could even start putting my actual business concept into practice…

But meoow I’d then still be alone ๐Ÿ™ . That’s why I was thinking of ways to get Victor’s attention… (And I really don’t want to go to my parents’ house or stay in a homeless shelter. Though I’d rather be alone in a homeless shelter, than go back home…)


18:36 (06:36 PM)ย 

Twitter highlights:

And it will be sold for โ‚ฌ1077,77… Then we can start talking after about 10 sales. And I can finally move on from all of this bullshit. If you buy this, you’ll definitely be entitled to receive a Cishe from me ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ .

Even this migraine can’t stop me from writing… Please buy it, when I put it online – which I’ll announce on all of my social media – and help me have a better alternative than living in a homeless shelter, serving drinks, or moving back in with my parents, with the risk of being sent to the closed vicinity again next time.

I want to lead, together with you. My essay tells you the why and how.

I’m going to continue to write. I’m typing it right away, instead of fully writing it out with pen and paper first. In my notebook, I’ve only written an overview. The essay is fresh off the top, like my diary posts, but then not about a different topic than my day-to-day life.

Please help me move on from this discomfort I’ve been living in for so long and keep an eye on my blog around midnight. Pleaseeeee. Please stay tuned, for “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid”!!!ย  xxx


21:05 (09:05 PM)

“Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” will be passionately published with all of the tools I have available with the situation I’m in. 45 cents to spend, so no paid marketing. It is literally typed on my phone. Currently, it is about 1000 words, but the core is not worked out yet. I’m loving it already ๐Ÿ™‚ .

You’ll love it, too, my fellow bottom two rows of the pyramid :). I’m keeping the exact content a surprise, though…ย 

It includes exclusive information about the D.O.C.I.S. ๐Ÿ™‚ .


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Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]

05:57 (AM)

Good morning :)โ™ฅ

The chirping of birds woke me, a while ago. In case you see the featured image and wonder why my pillow is tilted to the side: it’s because (often, due to pillow quality) I prefer to lay my head on the mattress and pretend as if my pillow is someone I can cuddle with…

Kinda feel at home here

I ate some left over soy beans, as I checked my notifications, after which I emptied my bladder. Now I’m back in bed.

Meowww I wish I really had someone to talk to, with whom I can be intimate, who doesn’t want me to change at all. 90% of those I speak to, don’t understand the decisions I make. Not even after explanation. Still they advice me to stop acting differently than others. I have many reasons to do what I do, the way I do it. That’s why I have such a great need for the type of friendship where one look explains enough.

Meanwhile, my fantasies are getting more wild by the minute. Even elevators and taxis are not safe for us anymore… 😻 Though I love the way the mental images make me feel, I fear getting too attached to the idea of us together… Because what if it won’t happen :(.

Being friends or more than friends with me, is/will be/could be something a lot of people have an opinion about. Much of my provocative strategy is received with negative commentary, because I see a complete disruption and replacement of the system we live in, as an improvement, and a lot of people (in truth) do not want their lives to change. I’m telling you: due to the state of our environment (including overpopulation and the injustice many are living in), change is inevitable.
But you and I, like those who will judge us, have the right to have good friendships, too, right. I think, if some would see us together, they would be shaken up by the radience of our power, intelligence and influence. That is something we should disregard, because to better our fate, our Alliance is supposed to become reality.

Today will be a very hot day… I feel like getting a slush puppy? And I do want to get started with that essay I spoke of yesterday. I think I’ll write it down on paper first, for a change. But first, I’ll close my eyes again for a while, later have breakfast and get ready and stuff… xxx


14:06 (02:06 PM)

Some wild tweets:

Help me er ajb voor zorgen dat ik nooit meer Maccie eet… Ben elke keer misselijk erna x_x. Doe mij maar lobster…

Dit was ik naar mezelf maar snap je wat ik probeer te doen… xd

Currently still @ mcdonalds. Ik denk niet dat ik mijn McFlurry M&M op krijg haha…


17:41 (05:41 PM)

I’m so tired meowww x_x.

Zzzzz 😴

This weather [and the thought of you 😻 ] got me like… 😂

I enjoyed the weekend, though. I fear tomorrow. I’m powerless against the mental torture sessions I can’t get away from. All I can do is list my rights. They don’t understand that the only reason why I’m here is to have sone time away from home, hopefully even to move out right after I get out of here. They don’t have a protocol for that, here, so they consider me a mentally lost cause. They still think I have trouble learning… I just have high standards, that’s all.

It takes time to put my business concept into practice. Time they can’t and don’t even want to give me, here. I wish to escape the authority of the health care industry and the authority of my parents. I did that when I went to the United States and I did that when I went to Germany (twice). I don’t have the money to do that again. (Otherwise I would have done that again as soon as I received my new passport…) If I don’t escape this situation soon, I’ll probably die under strange circumstances – the way many patients have – and they’ll say it was suicide. I don’t want to die anymore now that, by being here, I’ve received a new chance to prove my point [THAT I AM NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC]. But I can only succeed in this, if I receive the support from those who can truly understand my writing.

It’s dinner time. I’ll be back afterwards, though I feel like sleeping already… xxx


19:32 (07:32 PM)

Dinner – bami – was quite good ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m back in bed now. This weather is making me feel like a dried leaf, and I fear this place, in that context, because lorazepam is considered a medicine… It’s my tachtcardia acting up, and psychiatric drugs will make that worse. Wish I had money to visit my doctor in Germany again…

Remember this audio file?!AhevpAkFFwyIi2XeP6xJYmwXkgFY
To me, that is not therapy, but plain abuse of authority. All I do is constantly defend myself. It’s exhausting. I don’t want that again, but tomorrow is Monday ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ .

I wish I could be with my Vicje ๐Ÿ™ . Who knows my chances with him. I don’t know, because every time I’ve been around him, I get too busy with fighting the urge to kiss and touch him, while trying to make a cool impression (hahahahahahahaha)…. (I pray he feels the same way about me…) He’s one of the few people on this entire globe, I actually genuinely find attractive. He’s number one on my mental list of people I find attractive. Jhene Aiko is second ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I feel kind of lost. During the last “therapy” session, it was said that they wanted to keep me in this ward only until after the weekend, and that after that, they want me to go back to the house of my parents and go back under treatment at the people I went all the way to the United States for, to escape them. This system is awful ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t even have Graeyniss friends who can visit me here ๐Ÿ™ .

To solve the problem I’m dealing with, here, I need the capital to buy my own house, and I need the investment needed to further develop my business (concept) (and some money for tuition)… Though they have it, my parents are not an option to ask this, because they would rather keep the money to themselves (and spend it irrationally)… I’d love to ask the people with a high status in society I’ve met, but they have a high status to maintain… I don’t know anyone else willing to support me. Especially not because of the controversial contents of my blog, my social environment doesn’t like.

I can really only do this with you, my Graeyniss… Which is so awesome, on the one hand, because I don’t want to spend time with anyone else! But on the other hand, I fear that you won’t do anything either, and that my fate is to die alone ๐Ÿ™ .

Haha wow I just heard thunder strike, but, for a second, thought it was a gunshot. Meooow this weather makes me want to have someone to cuddle with even more ๐Ÿ™ .

Since the ~experts~ here use the last few posts of my blog to call me mentally insane and someone who needs psychiatric drugs et cetera: I have serious grounds to plead for the assassination of some, including overpopulation and illegal activities. I am not a bad influence on my readers, because they haven’t done it – and even if they did, it wouldn’t be for nothing. That is also content for a police case and not a psychiatric case.

I can’t talk about my depression with these people here, because all they do is look at that file from 2017 and try to figure out what the exact schizophrenia of mine is, so that they can prescribe psychiatric drugs to me, with a reason why (@ health insurance). That’s just making me far more depressed! They’re also not even open to listen to my self-diagnoses, “because I’m the patient”. Help me please ๐Ÿ™ .

The greatest flaw in this psychiatric industry, is that there are too many patients per “doctor”. And that every session is with a different person, who then tries to continue the conversation of his/her colleague, but only knows what the colleague has paraphrased in the digital patient file, which is not everything.
Especially with me, you can’t hold a conversation in that way. My blog has over 400 posts on them, all about this case of mine. I’d appreciate it if the person reviewing me were prepared. And especially not judge after having read not even 10% of what is on here.
But they’re not willing to take the time for me like that. I can understand that, because I’m not open to use psychiatric drugs anyway, and there’s not enough time for a session, because of the amount of patients.

On top of all of that: if I considered psychiatry effective for me, I would have approached a psychiatrist myself, instead of, again, having my mother force me to see one.

What would truly solve my emotional problems, is sex, business and money. Though that might sound as a way to cover up emotional problems: the reason why I’m unsatisfied in life is because I’m striving towards the funding of a multi-component, multinational business, and I’m still not there yet. Plus I’m lonely… And when I, around proletarians, say “still” not “there” yet, they start with meaningless oneliners about having to start small and that failure is not bad et cetera. But for my level of intelligence, that’s worse than bad, and you all know it…

So I’m trying to reason out a quick way to solve this:

– I need to get money.
I should get my laptop, so that I can continue configuring my new online (book)store [in which I also want to sell classics fron Seneca and Ovid, et cetera… You’ll love it!!! 😻 ]. But for that, I need to go past the house of my parents and I wish to not speak to them… But my keys are at home x_x.

– I need to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Just because of my aspirations, I want my files to show the truth about me. However, if convincing you through my own network (D.O.C.I.S. International/ is possible, then I could sort of settle for that. Meanwhile, my mother loves to send me here, though. That’s why I do prefer to correct my file. To stop her from being able to do that.
The problem is that the “doctors” here, who don’t have time for exceptional cases, are not even willing to listen to the reasons why not. And if one psychiatrist would say “Lil Fangs is not a schizophrenic”, it would be much easier for other psychiatrists to say that the psychiatrist supporting me is also a schizophrenic, instead of suddenly having the world know that dozens of healty care professionals have done a VERY bad job with me, because I am not a schizophrenic (and have never been one, but the illness is chronic, so according to those “experts”, I was born weak-minded). I hope now you know for sure why I have been putting so much emphasis on my medical record, over the past few years ๐Ÿ™‚ .

– I need a place to stay.
Chances are that tomorrow they’ll either send me home or send me to a different ward. What I want is to live with someone I can talk business with (and be intimate with). But that is only possible when you anticipate on this blog post (Vicje 😻 ). If not – which would break my heart, but I could still get to show some empathy if you would (but please please PLEASE don’t break it) – I would choose the different ward. Or maybe they’ll keep me here and force me to undergo treatment with drugs here. That would be a powerless hell, but then I could continue to point out things that desperately need to be altered, in the (Dutch) psychiatric system.
I’d rather do that, than go back to my parents’ house. I consider this form of raising awareness the most useful – hopefully media victims are considering to publish their news through me. And I’d rather write than have to resort to some job serving drinks full-time, continuously being disturbed by the fact that I have a business here, ready for expansion.

If my B admits to being the voice in the Head Cuddle… ๐Ÿ™ The case would be closed just like that. It’s who we are, naturally, and we have this ability for a purpose. I still experience the sound, but it’s as if we have nothing to talk about, if we can’t even spend time together. We’re supposed to be designing a new world together ๐Ÿ™ .

My dear reader, please do something ๐Ÿ™ . To help me, you could, for example, form an alliance with other supporters of mine you know. I beg you to distance yourself from those who are not on my side, if you’re on my side, because our opponents are incredibly hurtful and I do not want you to get hurt! ๐Ÿ™

If you’re a sweet and influential Graeyniss reading this: you know where I am at all times. You can see what I see and hear what I hear. I hope you’ll use these tools to make me even happier, by freeing me and allowing me to spend more time with you in person. It’s what we both want…

No one wants me to stay in a ward like this for three months or longer, again (I assume…). To earn – so that I can afford to live elsewhere, without moving back in with my parents – I should get access to a computer (and buy a better one…). I wish I could just be Vicje’s sidekick, though… (Because, yes, my mind does need special attention on the work floor, because I think I’m already ready to handle a director’s workload…) Meoow I wonder if he’s still in the country… I would be so happy to spend much more time with him. Even if it’s only to look at him: he’s such a Catje! 😻

I’m going to go to sleep again. With panties only, because it’s sooo hott in here…

Good night ♥


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Crisis Center Day 5 [Saturday, June 1, 2019]

06:49 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

How are you today? ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m quite well rested, it seems. I’m thinking of how to keep myself occupied today… I feel like writing an essay about unspoken social hierarchy, but spending so much time with my phone in my hands isn’t healthy and I don’t have my laptop with me…

Tomorrow will be a very hot day, so I really need those tights, though. (Even better would be to get my legs waxed… It’s very much needed… I wear tights in an attempt to mask my wildly unshaved legs…) And I should get outside to get some food…

I’m casually laying here in my cell. From the start of my blog, I’ve been saying that these institutions have mentally scarred me and that their forms of treatment are ineffective (to me). But I guess I had to get myself locked up in here to prove that point. I bet some still don’t believe that I’ve been through this hell before.

The reason why I’m not rich yet, is because I haven’t found any willing and suitable business partners yet. They should stay away from me with their psychiatric drugs, because that won’t change anything about that. It also won’t change the disappointment I have in my parents, for not wanting to invest in me, but still spending thousands of euros on takeout food and infrequently giving me cash I can only use for basic essentials, such as paying my bills when I don’t have enough money myself. I need a holiday ๐Ÿ™ .

I feel so weird for begging Vicje to save me… Because I have no other plans for freedom… As in that I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to suddenly spend so much time with. He seems like someone who will really appreciate my companionship. Someone who can understand the contents of my mind, and vice versa (though to understand his world, I need to witness it for a longer time, first, to learn, which is what I would truly love to do). But to come here, on the terrain of this institution, is so much to ask… I don’t know what to do, to get out of here and be happy…

In other news: this is my way of being provocative:

And the way the curtains turn my room orange is quite freaky…

Remember 180 Days of Fangs? They still don’t even know why they’re keeping me here. That’s how every session starts: “Please tell us why you’re here.” Your colleagues are supposed to document why I’m here and you’re supposed to add useful information to that file.

How can they already be thinking of prescribing psychiatric killer drugs to me, while they still don’t know why I’m here? How can they have an opinion about my blog, if they have only read about less than the last 5 days, and I’ve been at it for more than a year? It’s so fucked up when people who don’t understand you, have authority over you. The same goes for my parents…

Sad Catje ๐Ÿ™ . I really need some passionate kisses ๐Ÿ™ .


11:56 (AM)ย 

I passed out into dreamland a few times more. But I should really get out of bed and eat something… I should also do my laundry soon… I’m almost out of sleepwear (I’m wearing because I have slight mysophobia and wearing something makes me feel as if I’m not able to catch anything from laying in a public bed…)…

Before I drifted off to sleep, I was thinking of why I always have “unapproachable” men and women on my mind… [One of the many reasons why (jealous) proletarians call my ambitions “unrealistic” and “impossible”. But if I could just make a name for myself, I could chill with people with names…]

And that I’m basically in love with someone I’ve spent very little time with. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of the type of relationship we could have? I don’t know if – but do really hope – it could be like that in real life. Finishing each other’s sentences and being all cuddly and stuff, but also able to be very serious and as if we’re not even dating, when we have to. But I fear being yelled at, which often happens in relationships in general, though ๐Ÿ™ . Then again, I have a strong feeling he really is sweet and wouldn’t treat me like that, because I would never treat him like that… But then again, maybe I should get started with breaking my own heart, because my e-mail address is blocked… But that could also have been someone else’s decision “to help him move on”, blocking my mail address, if he’s in love with me as well… 😻 (& #x1F63B;) In theory, I’m easy to fall in love with…

We’d have to live through a lot of negative judgment, maybe, but we’re doing that already anyway. It would be much nicer to do it together…

Meow my heart is scared of being shattered for the zillionth time thoughhh…

Does the world only consist of people who want me to change my behavior, or are there also some people who understand and appreciate my decisions (and companionship)? I’m worried about my future ๐Ÿ™ . I can only succeed with those who can understand me…

Meowsss I’m going to brush my teeth and head downstairs… xxx


16:22 (04:22 PM)

Low key super sad catje ๐Ÿ™

Slipper swag

Wish I had a reason to smile… And I need prescription shades… Instead of fucking prescription drugs gtfo…

Well I guess I’m going to the mall again, because sitting inside is boring as fuck and I need healthy-ish food…

As I’ve been saying over a year, if I’d be able to buy a house – if only I had a share of family capital – I would not be in this powerless situation. Now death is the only solution I see, because I still have nothing else to talk about, with my mother, and she has the authority to send me here whenever the fuck she wants to, which causes a vicious cycle for me. What if she’s the schizophrenic, for believing I’ll never run my own multinational business? She and others who consider my ambition a symptom of schizophrenia. Do you think putting me away here will change the fact that I want you dead because then you’re off my back?

They will keep trying to put me on the psychiatric drugs one of my doctors in Germany has proven me to be intolerant of. I deserve a trial for this. They just don’t go for it, because they know no lawyer can win the fight against me and I don’t have money for a lawyer and my parents are in the other corner of the ring, on this one…

I wish I could just find investors for my multi-component business and have no time for this psychiatric nonsense. They’re the ones giving me the most mental issues anyway. Damn.

Of course not every person who works here is a demon, and not every patient is competent. That is one of the many reasons why I’m pleading for an alteration of the system we’re living in. Sure, I’d love to solve that by talking with people. But some are just too dumb, and that is why I see the flooding of the Netherlands as the best physical solution to this problem.

This all feels kinda Mein Kampf-ish… But in this case, using comparisons like that makes it easier for anyone to understand that the next war in this world will be personality-based. We can’t keep going on like this. The system needs reform. There’s not even time for the “Why?” debate simple-minded people want to hold. The question is whether you dare to give me authority or not…

I wonder if every country in the world has a psychatric industry like this one. And if “psychiatric resorts” with pools and nurses giving you fresh orange juice etc. exist… If yes: please, sign me up… Hahaha…

I’m waiting until my phone is charged a little – because I use my phone quite often… My battery was low after this morning already. When it’s at 25%, I’ll head outside. To buy thights, more short-sleeved clothing, a bottle of water (because I have the feeling there are psychiatric drugs in the food and drinks and stuff here…)… And some food…


19:37 (07:32 PM)

My Stratagem is still going according to plan, as far as I can guarantee my own safety. I’m showing people all over the world, the flaws of the system in person. The mental prison I’m now in for the second time, I personally find the greatest flaw.

I hope that, somewhere out there, there are people who agree with the fact that I’m much better off starting a new life elsewhere, and that they would like to offer me shelter and support with my endeavor for global change. This is living proof that I’m much better off without those who currently claim my presence. There are people out there wishing to speak to me, and they’re not even getting that chance…

The awful truth:

I’m glad people are anticipating on the pictures I make…

My appetizer…

My main… I still can’t believe they’re so convinced that I have schizophrenia. Echt fucking onzin x_x.

I’m in love… I keep being distracted from sexy fantasies I want to become real, but I’m afraid that the feeling won’t be mutual and my heart will be broken ๐Ÿ™ :

Recognizable for all Cuddles and Graeynissis I’m around:

De-privatize the health care system bitte:

This Catje is being sexy on my mind all day:

Meoww… As my belly is stuffed, it feels like bed time all over again…

Please think about sheltering me and/or forming an alliance with me and other secret supporters of mine… Please!!! ♥

I love my sexy fantasies the most when it’s bed time 😻

Good night 😘


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Crisis Center Day 4 [Friday, May 31, 2019]

10:06 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

Though it hurts me to know that my business e-mail address is blocked, when contacting my Vicje – though I can understand he can not go in to personal business enquiries – it’s a relief to know that the e-mail I sent him yesterday, from my personal e-mail account, was delivered:

Toen ik vorig jaar in dezelfde situatie zat, vluchtte ik ook naar de ANWB… Dat ging prima?

I don’t know any other places to apply for a job I could be hired for, where I’d be sitting behind a desk. Serving drinks, sitting behind the counter, etc. suit my ambitions even less. I’m putting my Vicje in a difficult position, though ๐Ÿ™ . But I really don’t know who else can save me, if I can only be considered as normal, when I work. And I want the highest salary possible, so I only want to work full-time…

I can’t even think of the injustice I’m living in – because, again, I do not have an IBS, but still they do not want to listen to me, but just kill me with antipsychotics. I just want to get the hell out of this town… Hopefully there are no therapy sessions scheduled for me today. If I move to Den Haag – or anywhere else not in or very close to Rotterdam – I’ll be out of their territory.

They have also been considering to transfer me to the UMC… I can find peace in any location of residence, as long as I don’t have to go back to living under the authority of my parents. I need my own place. Especially because I want to be able to have Graeynissis over…

I feel like publishing an essay, today… In other news, I have less than โ‚ฌ10 to spend, so I can’t get proper food outdoors and buy thights for the t-shirt dress I bought and buy new eyeliner and mascara… The struggle… I’m going to have breakfast….


14:11 (02:11 PM)

I’m going outside to spend this money out of boredom and because of the fact that my hunger makes me very tired…

Same clothes as yesterdayy #sustainability

Before I went outside…

Currently walking towards the metro… I still really need a better bed, by the way ๐Ÿ™ .


14:27 (02:27 PM)


#schizoprenia ughhh


16:15 (04:15 PM)ย 

Currently eating this fruit…

I’m happy there was no therapy session planned for me today. I hope I won’t get any of those anymore. I want to move to wherever my Vicje is living, currently… But meoow I have 0 capital ๐Ÿ™ .

Hire me, pleaseee… Or take me in as your house Catje ๐Ÿ™ . I just want to get away from the psychiatric industry once and for all… When someone threatens to kill you, you should call the police and not a shrink. Why was there no police involved? Got something to hide?

I’m tired from defending myself on here. As in I wake up tired every day… And now I have to be full-time proletarian as well ๐Ÿ™ .

Kinda feel like a stalker deluxe but I’m going to send another message. I need someone I can work for, talk to and hopefully kiss and cuddle… Vicje is the only one who meets those requirements, who I can reach… Plus a sexy boss is a requirement to me, so I don’t know where else to look…


19:06 (07:06 PM)ย 

I sent another desperate e-mail x_x. Are there maybe some fellow Graeynissis who would like to offer my Vicje some support, in case he wants to save this Catje? We’ll become a squad of Graeynissis one day anyway, might as well be after I’ve slept because I’m tired as fuck right now…

What I sent [posting it here because I don’t know if mails are received when box is in “holiday mode”(?)]:

I’m such a random catje ahahah

It feels as if I’m being too informal. But my final objective is frequent Cishes so meowww

Hehe ๐Ÿ˜€

That second to last screenshot is just to show what my business will do, a little, in the future. Not to break any protocols…! (Unless you want to 😻 .)

Meoww Vicje may I be your holiday entertainment? 😻 You’ll have the best time of your life, with me! 😻 Fun relaxation until June 6th [I need that tooooooo], and after that making some cool boss moves together with your personal Propagandist ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I hope this means holiday mode Vicje? He’s such a mysterious Catjeย 😻

Then I sent this:

But meowww I have the feeling he, as well as many others, is a secret Lil Fangs fan. So there’s not much digital correspondence necessary :). I’m here on a voluntary basis, so officially, I may leave whenever the fuck I want to. (In reality, they don’t follow this rule.)

As I have told you a couple of times already, my goal is go have adult men (big and little men ๐Ÿ™‚ ) and outcast women, as my fans. I want grey haired men in suits to do for me, what young girls do for Justin Bieber!!! 😻 Only then, I would call myself successful! So please save me and let’s get this party started, bitte… ๐Ÿ™

Some notes on dinner:

A note on my life as Lil Fangs:

Meoww I’m going to bed…

My tachycardia and I hope I don’t die in my sleep yooo.

Good night ♥

– xxx –

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Crisis Center Day 3 [Thursday, May 30, 2019]

11:28 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I don’t know why I can’t reach my Vicje ๐Ÿ™ . My heart is too weak to approach a random proletarian for this, who won’t understand how much of a sensitive topic this is, and how much bad news would destroy my heart. Some people speak of him in such an awful manner, I won’t be able to endure something like that again ๐Ÿ™ .

I attempted to email him this [a very random message, I know], when I received a “failed to deliver” notice in return…:

Dezelfde fout maken is terug naar huis gaan. Mijn moeder en huisarts vinden dit een goede plek voor mij… Grrrrr…


Mijn intuรฏtie vertelt me altijd met wie ik dat wel zou willen doen en met wie niet

Get me out of here, please ๐Ÿ™ . I apparently still have arbeidsrecht. Apparently even arbeidsdwang, omdat ik alleen als normaal mens word gezien als ik full-time werk en studeer.

The description of the littest hangout in human history

Wild words

I don’t even know if it’s mutual ๐Ÿ™

I don’t know what to do now ๐Ÿ™ . I’m so worried… Though I haven’t been that close with him (yet?)… ๐Ÿ™ Maybe he doesn’t like me and has blocked my e-maik address? ๐Ÿ™ I’d rather hear that than hear that he has passed away or something

I’m now also stuck in the dilemma that I have to find residence and a fixed income, preferably before tomorrow, because after today they will put me under treatment at the department I was in in 2017-2018 [hell] and force me to go back to my parents’ house.

I asked the psychiatrist yesterday why they can’t treat me without medicines. He told me that medicines are going to put my mind on the right track, “so that I can go back into society” [because I am out of it?]. I had already explained to him that the reason why my business hasn’t thrived yet, is because I don’t have any investors. That the reason why I’m currently not studying, is because I don’t have ยฃ6000+ for tuition. That the reason why I don’t have a full time job, is because most jobs are too simple for my intelligence. And that swallowing some pill won’t change that. My self-analysis was, again, fully disregarded.

What I wrote after the conversation where I proposed my self-analysis idea

My alternative strategy is – again – working full-time, so that I won’t have time for living under psychiatric surveillance. I’m on the list for the ANWB Summer staff, so that’s where the e-mail came from…

Yesterday’s Twitter highlights:

I can’t imagine my future without the handsomest Graeyniss I have ever seen!

When it comes to getting out of here, this place is the same as a prison ๐Ÿ™ .

Help me bitte

I’ll show you my hair – best braids I’ve ever made for myself – when I’ve eaten and showered. I’m still in bed… ๐Ÿ™


12:58 (PM)

Important announcement:

My weakness… 😻 I’m still worried and feel quite powerless in this situation. I also don’t know who else can save me from this prison…


16:40 (04:40 PM)

Mijn gezichtsuitdrukking zegt “tjoerie” ahahahhaahaha. Ik hoor hier niet thuis verdomme ahahahah.

A tail in case the situation becomes even worse…

Getting some vitamin D… I’d rather get some vitamin Vicje…

Before I went into the shower

This is serious…

I’ll be writing… Er is hier echt niets te doen x_x.

Prison is clearly a metaphor and not fucking schizophrenia. I need to defend every statement I make x_x.


17:37 (05:37 PM)ย 

Important information:

I want to cuddle my sexy Vicje – I hope the reason why my mail wasn’t delivered, was because of its radical content… If he has a new job, then I heb niets te zoeken bij de ANWB (lol). If he is not with us anymore, then I’d spend all eternity not knowing if the feeling is mutual and feeling fucked up because I couldn’t be there for him…

This would also be a good moment for my B to go on strike….


21:09 (09:09 PM)

I’m in bed… Exhausted ๐Ÿ™ . (Could that be because the food is cooked in psychiatric drugs?)

I hope someone will free me from here and offer me shelter… ๐Ÿ™ I really don’t want to talk to these “health care professionals” anymore. All they do is tell me to quit chasing my dreams…

Authority problem:

This is not good for my heart ๐Ÿ™ . Spending time with me is a privilege and this industry just claims it. The same goes for my parents. I want to be free ๐Ÿ™ . Truly free!

I’m glad to have found ways to get through the day:

I hope they won’t mind that I posted that picture… I just find it important that the world knows what’s going on here. And I needed some time away from my mother, who, every conversation, tells me that this is what I need.

I want to spend time with people who I can trust, who won’t think of sending me to a place like this. Fucking often ๐Ÿ™ .

I really hope someone will bail me out 😿 . Please don’t let my mind be shrinked further ๐Ÿ™ .

I’ll be laking until I pass out. Still hungry, by the way, but I prefer eating natural foods, so I’ll just ignore the sound of my stomach… Maybe eat some almonds…

Good night ♥


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Crisis Center Day 2 [Wednesday, May 29, 2019]

09:11 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I slept quite well, for the first time in a long time ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m going to join the breakfast table… For the sake of giving myself some more rest, I’ll mainly be writing instead of typing, today.

But before I reduce my typing here (and on Twitter):

Last night, I started to write down an outline of the way I would give myself a diagnosis:

I can do most of it myself… I only need someone who can understand what I write down…

I only wish to speak to someone who is open to give me a second opinion. I have no patience with those who only focus on that lie of a dossier, from 2017-2018, where I never found peace in their “You don’t cooperate, we’re guessing you’re a schizophrenic and you have to accept our diagnosis.” And every session then was about having to accept the diagnosis. That was traumatic and very disrespectful… I refuse to speak to those who continue to treat me like that.

I don’t understand how the fact that I’m rather here than at home, doesn’t ring a bell??? I’m used to a better quality of living…

Waiting for the staff to finish their meeting, so that I might be allowed to fry an egg… Under supervision…

I’ll show you my self-analysis, when I’m done ๐Ÿ™‚ .


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Crisis Center Day 1 [Tuesday, May 28, 2019]

01:08 (AM)

I just ate some bread and left-overs. I’m at a more comfortable location than in 2017. This is an open vicinity. In 2017, I was in the closed vicinity.

I wasn’t allowed to record the intake. But I still recorded a short piece, before I was told to shut off my phone and prove that it was off. (My god x_x.) I’ll just keep it for my own administraton, but won’t share the audio file on here. I don’t want to upset those who have authority over me, here…

The conclusion of the conversation was that we don’t like each other and the man doesn’t know and understand why I’m here. I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope…

One of the questions he asked me, is if I hear a voice in my head or see things that are not there. I told him “No”. That’s a “diagnosing with schizophrenia again” question, and The Head Cuddle is not schizophrenia.

The max of days to stay here is 5. What will we be doing afterwards, my Graeynissis? I hope you’ll just be here today already… ๐Ÿ™ I’m so lonely ๐Ÿ™ .

The Fangs brushing teeth before going to sleep

I use that tiny bottle of hotel soap for hand soap. And I didn’t take my wig along because fuck ittt. I don’t find it pretty anymore and would like to purchase a different one. Plus letting my natural hair breathe more often…

So I told you I was going to end up here, and I really hope you’ll anticipate on this with the knowledge you have from keeping up with me over a year of blog posting…

I’m going to sleep.

Good night โ™ฅ


03:06 (AM)

I’m still awake…

In theory, after a bad night of sleep, just taking it slow the next day still feels good. But I don’t know if I’ll be expected to participate in group activities… From past experiences, I know everyone is woken up for breakfast at 8 o’ clock.

About the following passage in this post: “I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope…”: I mean that the situation at home was becoming too unbearable, and I really shouldn’t go back there, but without Graeynissis I can do business with, I can never seal that freedom. Never. Therapeutic conversations won’t solve my problems. Money will…

I just desire to have my own house ๐Ÿ™ .

I really hope you’ll visit me here with flowers, and do a cool business proposal…

I really don’t feel that safe around people who have been in institutions for decades, deprived off sex, and psychological warfare type therapists, taking into consideration the financial benefits of being a patient…

So how do I get out of here and never go back to my parents’ house ever again? I can’t do that without you…


07:44 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I hope you’re doing good ๐Ÿ™‚ . I managed to sleep some and feel like sleeping some more. I also feel like screaming, but I really shouldn’t…

My mother has been threatening to send me here for sooo long. I hope she’s happy to see the result with her own eyes. I don’t want her to visit me, because that would be too much mental torture.

So I’ll be hiding here until I’m forced to blend in with “the group of like-minded people here”… Help ๐Ÿ™ . It feels like my case with Dr. Crutzen all over again…


08:05 (AM)

Still in bed ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m officially not allowed to report to the world how things go around here… I don’t want to witness it another day, either. Honestly, this is where I want to start my reform of this system.

There should be much more political attention for the way people are treated here!


08:34 (AM)

Still laying here…

I’ve been all by myself for so much more time I’ve been in someone else’s company ๐Ÿ™ .

I don’t want to live through this psychological warfare again ๐Ÿ™ .


08:49 (AM)

Meanwhile I live with the constant thought of people masturbating with the thought of me. It’s not a taboo, but my actual reason for broadcasting is not sex, but the law and leadership… I hope you’ll approach me for the right reasons…

I should get out of bed… But I’m wearing shorts…


09:05 (AM)

At the closed vicinity and EMC, you’re woken up for breakfast. Here not, I see. That’s good. I feel so much worry and pain – because what if my Graeynissis won’t have my back by showing up here… ๐Ÿ™ I don’t want to have therapy conversations and introduce myself… I’m too sad and worried, to act as if everything is fine ๐Ÿ™ .


10:08 (AM)

Okay, I’m going to get out of bed… I hope I won’t be harrassed… I’m a bit scared… But often things turn out less bad than I project them to be. Last time, I got along with the “fellow patients” very well ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Also, I forgot to bring along make-up remover, which I want to go buy, but I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of having to hand in my room key when I leave the building. Some of the things I’ve taken with me, are quite valuable…

Such as this classic ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a much better view than at home ๐Ÿ˜€


11:02 (AM)

There’s an authority problem here…


11:38 (AM)

Therapeutic conversations make me want to die even more…

I say I can’t be at home, because I want a share of family capital and I say most of my “relatives” are mafia. And the therapist says that she thinks that is a symptom of schizophrenia. How about she’s a schizophrenic for even considering me to be a schizophrenic? Kanker zooi.

I want my medical record destroyed. I need a second opinion from abroad…

I’m going to take a shower…


15:56 (03:56 PM)

Twitter highlights:

I’m quick to post, because any snake can kill me at any second. They do not have the right to force me to stop blogging!!! Not even at the closed vicinity that should have never even been said by that bitch that has definitely made the “Who is not allowed on Planet Fang” list on my mind… Who would be on your list? ๐Ÿ™‚


20:47 (08:47 PM)

I didn’t have to pack after all ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m glad that the acute dienst was able to see that moving me to the closed vicinity is completely unnecessary.

The past makes me very defensive against those who work in the psychiatric industry. And I think sometimes I’m very right for doing that. Like today, for example. She could have taken my freedom away just like that, and if my blog weren’t here, no one would know the unlawful situation I’d be put in.

But today’s conversation with the acute dienst (of which I have no recording), made me realize that not all people in this industry are (so) unnecessarily and painfully authoritarian (it should be illegal).

To me, a real psychiatrist is an extraordinarily good conversationalist, and not someone who is just going down the list of DSM definitions, to see if there’s a match, and then prescribe some pills… This system doesn’t allow me to choose who I share my deepest secrets with. (They might as well get me killed by mafia. My blog is just the surface of my secrets, hiding in plain sight…) I’m so very glad that the acute dienst man I spoke yesterday, was here today as well, and that he was able to empathize with me on this!

There’s such a huge difference between someone who specializes in psychiatry (and who is truly passionate about the discipline), and “a basisarts”….

I guess there has been a miscommunication. It’s evident to us all, that there are too many burdens on my mind, to currently rule the business I’m trying to start. I certainly need to have some good conversations about how I truly feel. I know probably all DSM definitions apply to me… The reason why I’m so defensive is because of the disrespectful and derogatory way people are treated within this system.

Of course I want to talk!!! But only when I can start with a clean slate, and when my word, in my medical record, weighs heavier than that of my parents.
Something I’m, however, still, never going to accept, is psychiatric medicines. I need to air out my heart, not damage it further than the antipsychotics already have.

I’m glad I’ll get a chance to speak to the psychiatrist of the vicinity, tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚ . (This far it has been regular doctors, (master) students and nurses…) I’ll start preparing my true, clean slate case, on paper ๐Ÿ™‚ . I like including causality in the way I define my mind (but not everyone is able to understand that). I’m convincing myself that the psychiatrist will understand me. I hope it will be true. It would make me feel a lot less extremely lonely…

I hope I could also hear his view about the psychiatric system, and the things he would like to see change. Maybe even co-write an article with me, so that I still have something for the 30th… But I don’t know if my heart is safe with this person or not, yet, though… Some people, by means of “therapy” just use weak compliments [like “oh wow, that was not that bad,” as insinuating the assumption that it was not going to be good and that it is still not outstanding quality… Those who do that, I still find an absolute disease. I’ve met far too many of them… x_x] to indirectly insult my intelligence and shape me with insecurity…

A simple solution to this hygiene problem I spotted here, is to give every inhabitant here [I find that “patient” sounds pejorative in this situation] his/her own wash cloth:

It’s still cute, though ๐Ÿ™‚

I did bring my own, but just felt like saying this, because of the amount of people that come and go, here…


Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Highlights [Monday, May 27, 2019]

00:00 (12:00 AM)

I tweet so much that if I wouldn’t share it here as well, it would be impossible to create an oversight.

So highlights (of highlights):

For more oversight:

  • There will be no book release this 30th. My entire project is put on hold as long as no one participates.


  • Useful powerful people leave their positions and form an alliance with me. (Positions in the government, corporations and classrooms.)
  • We design a new system for when the waterworks are not there anymore, and put that system into practice.
  • There will be a new monetary system.
  • I am innocent.


00:27 (12:27 AM)

My goddd these accusations again…

Ever since I’ve gone missing and my parents betrayed me, everyone always defends them, instead of me (kanker irritant):

Oh and the housing deal is off. It would be a total ripoff for me, and I’d earn from something illegal.


01:57 (AM)

If there were a FIOD raid in this house, and the entire family were taken in for questioning, I would be prepared as fuck. I would be able to defend myself – but still hope my Vicje would like to by my sexy lawyer – so very well. I know my defence, which is the absolute truth, by heart, and you can check my websites for further reference. Enjoy your read ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll also defend my sister – because she’s young, sweet and uninformed. The rest will try to frame us. If they haven’t already… I hope she won’t do that to me ๐Ÿ™ . She’s too young ๐Ÿ™ .


02:27 (AM)

Muy importante:

Ooh en deze ook:

En nu ga ik slapen. Ik zeg altijd wanneer ik ga slapen, zodat je over me zal waken ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

Welterusten liefjes โ™ฅ โ™ฅ


13:41 (01:41 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Another day alive and breathing as a family snitch. An important “lesson” I have “learnt” as a child, is that I may never tell anyone about the illegal activities within the family I have always been aware of. With a threatening undertone, softened by future dependency.

They’d make me their money slave after retirement. They often use psychological warfare tactics for fun. There are many more young victims. Those who were raised with the thought that we are blood relatives: family. We’re only fraud relatives, and you should step up, too, if you’re a witness. Fuck the fake family.

All people living off fraud and doing nothing good with it, should be assassinated. That is one of the things I want my future business to do. A bit like SAW…

I ate a piece of picaรฑa and twister fries before bed, and now have diarrhea x_x. This is inconvenient for the small portions of food I keep my vital organs running with. But it’s convenient for my flaming “I’d rather die than continue to live in this illegal hell” feeling. I’ve now eaten a mandarine “for afternoon breakfast”. I’ll eat another one and then shower this watery feces feeling off of me…


15:15 (03:15 PM)

Cute questionnn โ™ฅ

I can’t kill everyone in this fucking mafia kartel, without your help… Please, make me happy…


16:31 (04:31 PM)

More important highlights:

The people I’m thinking of killing:

  1. Denise Ifna Elia-Hanenberg
  2. Sidney Derrick Elia
  3. Michael Dreier
  4. Eric Raymond Chin-Ten-Fung
  5. Pascale Chin-Ten-Fung-Hooyman
  6. Gwendell van Riemsdijk
  7. Everyone spreading bullshit news on social media, frauds, bullies and dumb racists
  8. There are A LOTTTTT of people on my “maybe” list…

I want to do it myself!!!


Piano timeee…


17:22 (05:22 PM)


18:06 (06:06 PM)

I threaten and the police and acute dienst should come to my house in about 45 minutes. I’ll pack a backpack before I start ๐Ÿ™‚ .


18:58 (06:58 PM)

After the world knows you really shouldn’t fuck with Lil Fangs ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It will not be 45 minutes. It’s “After my mother comes back from spontaneously visiting her friend’s house.”

Ga ik ondertussen wel even deze goloks (tochยฟ) schoonmaken…


19:08 (07:08 PM)

Ze zijn schoon & ik ga toch wel maar met eentje naar beneden ipv twee, straks wanneer mijn moeder terug is, want anders heb ik geen hand vrij om te grijpen.

Ik heb trouwens ook alvast ingepakt:

Zorg aub dat ik in het Nederlandse prison system niet extreem onjuist behandeld zal worden…

Still waiting though…


19:21 (07:21 PM)ย 

I’ll give them – les parents – the space to eat something. So that I can gather the family in front of the television, the way we have, so way to fucking often.

I want them dead, but this house is not a safe place to kill them. There are too many snakes in this country.

I genuinely hope you’re looking out for me…


20:08 (08:08 PM)



20:45 (08:45 PM)

I’ve just been prognosed with mania and will probably be taken into an institution again. They’re discussing it now.


21:32 (09:32 PM)

So the three individuals of the acute dienst have just left and the next step is waiting until “Bavo Europoort Poortmolen” has found a different spot to stall me, because they’re full. There are too many crazy people in this town, haha…


Look out for my sister bitte ๐Ÿ™ .

Phones etc. are not allowed, there, so I wonder how Lil Fangs will be treated… Only my sister and other Graeynissis may visit me…


23:14 (11:14 PM)



23:27 (11:27 PM)

My heart hurts ๐Ÿ™ . I hope this will be my last time living through this. Through the conversations that insinuate that I’m mentally insane. I just want to make some political power moves in this world…

I’m waiting for my intake, here in the crisis center…

Need cuddles ๐Ÿ™ .


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Still At It [Sunday, May 26, 2019]

09:48 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I just ate some yoghurt and a piece of salmon from my parents’ dinner of yesterday. But eating makes me die less fast, so I kind of regret it… I don’t want to perceive life anymore, on the one hand. But on the other hand, I want to rule this world and be kissing my Vicje… ๐Ÿ™

Als je denkt dat ik nu “niet meer mezelf ben”, omdat ik die “Lekker mezelf zijn…” kut post niet meer update, dan zit je ernaast. Na vrijdag de 17de, zag ik mijn kans om mijn Cold Case nog te kunnen heropenen en winnen, verloren.

I’m going back to sleep xxx


11:50 (AM)

Sunday viewsss…

Need Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .


12:39 (PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

“Oh wow, it finally seems as if people are starting to notice me ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

Happy me…


13:20 (01:20 PM)

My patience is gone. Stop thinking that I can’t fucking handle reality. My reality is worse than yours. I will see more blood flow than anyone else ever has, and I will be the cause. Because I fucking want it. Please, make me happy.

And if you’re a female in an abusive relationship, and you love me and the says asshole does, too: I mean you, not him, sweetie โ™ฅ .

I really need to speak to the world, to indexate, before we start killing…

But only when you allow me to heist all media myself… Then, I’ll be “The Fangs”


14:49 (02:49 PM)


16:56 (04:56 PM)

Bitte… ๐Ÿ™ You have so many reasons to!


17:52 (05:52 PM)

Reasons like these ones:

“Of iets anders?” = the insecurity that comes from mental torture. Another reason…:

The empty nest syndrome of everyone except me is another reason why.


18:10 (06:10 PM)

Who just logged me out of my administrator panel? Fuck you ๐Ÿ™‚ . Cyber bully ๐Ÿ™ .

To other people: I can sense your attraction to me. Don’t hide it. Especially don’t be ashamed of it. Embrace it! Embrace me! ๐Ÿ˜€ The Fangs deserves some real love, too…

The Fangs heeft alleen tijd voor zaken… โ™ฅ

Ik stel een kolonne van auto’s voor. Allemaal met kogelwerend glas. We zijn waarschijnlijk pas veilig wanneer we de grens over zijn… Daar kunnen we veilig vergaderen ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Maar eerst kanen? Alleen wanneer ik wat Cishes van jou krijg, wil ik eten ๐Ÿ™ .


18:46 (06:46 PM)

The birds are telling me I’ll get Cishes soon, I hear. These powerful Dutch birds who sound louder than a zillion cars and children’s cheers, altogether…

Someone please tell me why I’m, from downstairs, hearing a knife being sharpened, for over 5 minutes? A fist fight would be more fair ๐Ÿ™ .


19:29 (07:29 PM)

I’m writing history, and you have been written out of the story…


20:13 (08:13 PM)ย 

I’m a cyber fraud, sometimes 😂. But I really need this power…

I’ve expressed myself a few times in this way, asking myself a question with recognizable wording, because I didn’t have the inspiration to start about detailed sex on here. Some statements I make about sex, should be taken with a grain of salt. I find safe sex very important. Physically safe and no unwanted pregnancies…

But this is some serious advice: disregard all of your family’s sex tips. When they’re “modern tips”, speaking from my own perspective.

Other statements shouldn’t be taken with a grain of salt… These ASKfm questions have increased my craving for Vicje even more… 😻

I already had A LOT of trouble playing it cool, the last time I saw him. The ocean he creates in my panties, when I see him, will most certainly be bigger next time. I’ve been fantasizing tooo much! 😻

Literally too much… I don’t even know him that well. I don’t even know if he’s an Angel or not ๐Ÿ™ . (That takes more time, to recognize. Of some people I know for 22 years, I also still don’t know.)

I really hope he’s one of my Angels. He is the most attractive person on my mind. (With A LOT of competition, though…) I wish I could have more alone time with him. Really alone… Office parties, with people staring at us, are not the same. (Not saying that I never want to party with him and other people at the same time!)

Because I have these feelings for him, I am so afraid to get hurt, because of past experiences with other people ๐Ÿ™ .

The Summer holiday season is approaching (?) and my ego has been too damaged because of his staff rejecting my job applications all the time. I’ll never apply again. And yes, staff, you got me: I just want to be there – at the ANWB – to steal your boss and make your job obsolete. I’ll succeed, somehow ๐Ÿ™‚ . Because the insurance system in this country is unhealthy and really should be reformed. That he’s hot as well is just a blessing 😻

But stealing my Vicje and him then becoming my labor free sexy Graeyniss, has a lot of benefits. This is how I imagine picture day:

We’re in the office library of the office home of our mansion. The walls are twice his height. The right wall is a robust book case, in front of which there’s a large classical conference table.

We’re facing the camera man, who is taking pictures for our campaign.
Victor places his right hand on my right shoulder. With straightened chests, we look into the camera, looking very powerful. He’s wearing a grey suit with a black tie, I’m wearing a white blouse, a short grey skirt and high socks. A few pictures are snapped.
I place my left hand on top of his right hand and tilt my head towards it, closing my eyes. Again, a few pictures are snapped.

I don’t know if my fantasy will ever become reality, and I don’t know if this will get my heart broken, so I feel very hesitant with sharing this.

It’s embarrassing – especially because I don’t know his feelings and I don’t know who my father is – but to still complete the story, as I promised, I’ll fast-forward it: I grab his tie and pull him towards me, starting to kiss him. Push him on a brown leather couch, sitting on top of him, still kissing, going all wild. Camera man is still taking pictures. Sometimes we look into the camera.

I kiss his erection through his pants, et cetera. Later he lifts me up and lays me down on the conference table, et cetera…. 😻 😻 😻

He might now certainly know that I’ll be thinking of this, when I see him…? I hope he receives my brain-to-brain communication signal… 😻



22:29 (10:29 PM)

All I’ve eaten today is that yoghurt and that piece of salmon… I don’t want to have this room as my home anymore ๐Ÿ™ . But it’s still better than subjecting myself to mental slavery…


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Death O’Clock [Saturday, May 25, 2019]

01:19 (AM)ย 

I still either want to get killing or die. I don’t feel hunger anymore. Only this intense headache. I’m losing weight fast, though…

I’ve never felt sooo…


You are free to act as you wish. Messing with me might backfire on you, though.


02:02 (AM)

Someone please tell me that it’s Death O’Clock….

I really need to take a shower, but my body has become so weakened after not eating for so long ๐Ÿ™ . Still gonna try it, though… Wil je zorgen dat ik niet dood neerval door de combinatie van stoom en hitte? Mijn haren moeten nog steeds echt gewassen worden… ๐Ÿ™


02:32 (AM)

I just untied the wild catty braids I made earlier, still going to wash it, missing my Vicje… I really need Tallniss cuddles


04:06 (AM)

Including twisting my afro, I’m still here. Thank you for being on the lookout.


14:26 (02:26 PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

My hunger headache has reached the next level. But aside from that, I still feel better than ever. I’m being myself, not adapting to (cultural) social customs anymore, and I have a cool picture with a cool politician. I find peace in my loneliness now. Decided to continue completely ignoring “my parents”. We don’t have anything to talk about anyway.

They deprive me from family capital, because they know I’d turn it into business and not have time for them anymore. They’re in my way, and that is why I wish to kill them. It’s the only way for me to get access to that capital…


16:03 (04:03 PM)
What I’m doing:

I keep updating the main tweet. Posting on Twitter goes quicker than posting on my blog…

I’m going to have a glass of water and seek for a piece of properly looking fruit…


16:25 (04:25 PM)

ASKfm should really stop deleting my question answers… It should even restore them, I find. It’s too bad my comment section isn’t used to ask me questions in real-time, otherwise I could delete my ASKfm account.

From the questions that are not deleted, it now looks like some twisted sex account. I wish I’d get Stratagem related questions ๐Ÿ™ . (Unfinished website is part of that. The fuck? With some of that family capital, I could easily hire an IT staff… These people are soooo dumb with money x_x.)


16:53 (04:53 PM)

The scope of my life

My mother always tells me that this is depressing. It’s less depressing than being surrounded by proletarians, and would be even less depressing if her conversation weren’t very depressing. I wish to not have to endure that anymore.


17:46 (05:46 PM)

No proper fruit found… Too busy with phone to drink water?

I ordered the deluxe mix…


18:33 (06:33 PM)


21:03 (09:03 PM)

Now changing bedsheets…