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Cold Case 11 [Friday, April 12, 2019]

00:21 (12:21 PM)

The conversation I want to haveeeee

Meoww I meant three e-mails (to three different people) and I have not sent them yett.

This far, all of my e-mails ever sent – aside from what I sent Dr. Crutzen about campaigning – have not led to the type of partnership I attempt to create. I want the three newly composed ones to be structured in such a way that any form of addition to my organization, is the only thing it could lead to.

Meoww I fell asleep right after having played the piano. I’m going to continue sleeping, so I’ll talk to you later โ™ฅ


04:52 (AM)

I can’t seem to fall asleep again, so I’ve just drafted part 2 of my series about Keynes, a little:

I hope you’ll love it ๐Ÿ™‚ . That about the packing list is not part of the article, haha. Just a little reminder to-self :).

I want to somehow mention this in the e-mails I want to compose and the debate I’d like to organize. Oh meoww and I should really show them my Overture!

The main reason why I want to reach out to them, is because I consider them the right people for acknowledging my business.

To establish the D.O.C.I.S. International brand, I need people to spread the word. But because of the mission and the impact of the organization, an ambassador can’t be just anyone. It should be someone who lives in accordance with the philosophy of the organization, who can add something to the cause.


15:18 (03:18 PM)

Meoww I’m about to leave my bed, get to drafting and typing and afterwards buy some things that satisfy my basic needs:

  • Organic soaps
  • Organic shampoo, conditioner (& hair mask), hair oil & leave-in (or something else for “regular” curly hair)
  • New fluoride free toothpaste & new toothbrush

My friday night plans are to relax some more… Though I really should be doing something about the space I’m living in… My bedroom is too small for all of my belongings, so it has become a health and fire hazard. And my back hurts from my mattress x_x.


22:40 (10:40 PM)

Meoww two out of three mails are sent, I’ve eaten dinner and I’ve bought most of the products I intended to buy, though they only sold products for caucasian hairtypes. It will be my first time trying Weleda’s hair products. Usually I only use their skin products, toothpaste and lip balms.

Lil Fangs Weleda Dr. Hauschka

#Unsponsored I’ll be using that walnut oil for my afro hehe.

People always tell me that I shouldn’t send out e-mails late at night, because it’s creepy, but maybe creepy will finally be the new cool? Hahahah I’m a night personnn…

There is one more mail I’m going to composeee xxx.


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Cold Case 10 [Thursday, April 11, 2019]

05:40 (AM)

Goood morning โ™ฅ

I was able to get myself out of bed. I need to leave the house around 06:15 AM xxx.


06:47 (AM)

I’m in the metrooo. I brought myself something to read along the way haha



11:01 (AM)

I’m having funnn

I like listening to the perspectives of people with influence. It’s inspiring ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Haha meoww I played “stage volunteer” but I couldn’t help but vent a little pessimism, while my task was to defend optimism. Consider it Fangyism, because I just really had to indirectly mention that this “marketing neo-capitalism” we’re living is going to get us run out of fossil fuels way faster than “we” can cope with. It was about whether we are living in good times, or bad times.

Is it only in the Netherlands, to have people ask veryyyy long questions where they indirectly discuss their biography with you? I wonder what the purpose of those audience questions that stall all of the action is.

I made some friends ๐Ÿ˜€ . Quicker than I thought, because I was quite nervous coming here solo. I’m still dealing with some slight social anxiety, but that will vanish later, I’m sure ๐Ÿ™‚ . (I really feel like drinking lol. But I won’t! I thinkยฟ)


12:07 (PM)

I wonder if there are ways to grow a business, without doing networking and social media marketing. It’s not easy – since I’m speaking from experience (I’m unfortunately really not in the mood to chat about regular business things and use a lot of jargon (I’m not good at thattt)) – but I think that you’d filter out “the perfect group of customers and employment”, by using that approach. I’m almost there, I hope. (I’ll get back to this.)


13:42 (01:42 PM)

I think I would do muuuch better at events that are focused on executives only. I think people who are not above the business chain (this excludes students) are far too busy trying to distinguish themselves. They should be looking for ways to innovate themselves. (Especially because they risk to be replaced, when I seize power.)

I feel honored to have had a chance to speak to the CEO of Ahold Delhaize, F. Muller, in person, and ask for his perspective on non-digital business development, in regard to the decay of the waterworks. Though his answer was beautifully formulated, it has worried me A LOT. It was a confirmation of a gut feeling I’ve had plenty of times, which I must have mentioned around the time I stopped working for the ANWB.

There is no plan, for when “it” happens. When the dykes break and more than 40% of this country turns into literal Atlantis, there is no emergency plan, prepared long in advance. It makes it a lot harder to state my business case, because, since I’m still very young and learning, it’s a lot easier for me to suggest improvements, than to break down my entire concept of an emergency plan from scratch. This is because of the language barrier that comes with the many emergency situation related business that are not commonly defined yet. I’d be speaking a language only I know.

I left the event before group lunch… It feels a bit odd to have done this, because it was what I was looking forward to the most, but I just so intensely felt like crying after indirectly hearing that it will be a lot less easy to roll out my full concept (because it would be easier for me to make my statement, if the government already had its emergency plan), and I was very annoyed by the “Hear me sound all businessy, while I actually only make empty statements”-attitude of many people in the audience.

I was literally fighting an internal battle, to not raise my voice and speak my mind (to say that those fucking long questions that sound like Dutch politicians sound when they just talk until they can walk away from the press, are not suitable for the type of event). At some point I even felt like throwing my notebook at someone…

I would love to start a conversation about what I could do for HBR and vice versa, as well as literally all other big organizations that partner with them. But my sadness, annoyance, frustration and stress (plus hunger crankiness…) were getting quite intense.

I feel bad for leaving the Saxion University students I just met, without saying anything. They already went to the lunch room, when I was talking to mr. Muller. After my exchange of words with him, I wanted to say soooooo much more, I could have been talking for weeks. But of course, every one wants to speak to him, and the same goes for the other executive-level men there, so I’d have to cling to my newly made friends and endure the sound of meaningless words exchange around me, but I know I wouldn’t be myself.

It really warms my heart, to have met two non-native young people who truly think about real innovation. People who really think of their own identity and our processes of global change, instead of being overly infatuated with just business talk itself. I really hope to see them again. The same goes for the truly powerful Graeynissis who were present. It’s too bad that I’m not feeling wel.

But I have a lottttt of inspiration for my next article about Keynes, now! And I have veryyyyyyyy useful e-mail addresses ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m going to get composing right when I get home ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I still have not eaten yet, today x_x. My feelings have made me spontaneously prefer to eat by myself. So I’m on the trainn…


15:41 (03:41 PM)

I’m homeee. My parents are off to their therapist – because I’m such a terrible child – so I’m home aloneee.

Lil Fangs / Dominique Elia

Meoow I’m so not able to act happy. But I’m happy to enter relaxing mode ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Lil Fangs / Dominique Daniรซlle Elia

I wanted to make a better “first” impression on you…

But meoww I have infinite ways to innovate D.O.C.I.S. International, so at some point, we’ll be business partners, like I want us to be ๐Ÿ™‚ . I want to be one of those Graeynississss.


16:52 (04:52 PM)

I’m going to eat a kiwi. Before this, I ate “a sandwich” with salmon.

After composing, I will compose two e-mails. Then play Pixel Action Heroes on my Nintendo switch and then probably get some resttt ๐Ÿ™‚ .


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Cold Case 9 [Wednesday, April 10, 2019]

17:26 (05:26 PM)

It was a lot of fun in the park with Shandery today ๐Ÿ™‚ . I like how we have a similar attitude towards social situations :).

I’m going to cycle home now xxx.

I wonder if my mother has news for me yet? Regarding Dr. Crutzen. ยฟ


20:55 (08:55 PM)

I made myself something to eatt

It was all right, though I should have used different (less old, to begin with) wan tan


Adding ketjap is keyyy

Lil Fangs

I’m going to play basketball xxx


21:17 (09:17 PM)

Are these vintage nowยฟ


22:59 (10:59 PM)

Lil Fangs

Meoow I’m going to attend the HBR Executive Event in Amsterdam, tomorrow. Now that my mother has told me she will send me another “Personal Donation”, otherwise I wouldn’t have attended haha… (Because I wouldn’t be able to.)

I’m excited ๐Ÿ˜€ . Though I must say that everything there will be a learning experience for me. As in that, for example, I know what Ahold is – without knowing of the existence of that business, I would have not known how to structure a holding (so soon) [I’m talking about the structure of D.O.C.I.S. International in my Business Overture. I was an observant Albert Heijn cashier haha], but – in comparison to what I notice people often expect from me – I’m not very acquainted with any knowledge on financial growth, personal biographies or other “marketed PR”. I always attend events with 0 expectations and then leave them more inspired than I entered them.

Now that I need to leave the house around 6 AM to be there on time, I’m going to skip out on the spontaneous laptop session I tasked myself with earlier.

And now I’m going to ease my mind, take a shower and go to sleep.


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Cold Case 8 [Tuesday, April 9, 2019]

01:15 (AM)

Meoww D.O.C.I.S. International had a net loss of โ‚ฌ96.14, the first quarter of 2019, I just calculated ๐Ÿ™ .

Meooow ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™

This is included in the loss I spoke of two days ago. Luckily I owe the right to a tax back of 21% on (taxable) business expenses. It sucks that, in theory, I now have to pay 21% of the โ‚ฌ34.84 (though these were my own purchases ๐Ÿ™ ) I’ve “earned”, to the government -.- .

Haa I got distracted from book keeping. Oh meoww I’ve spent even more, actually. I need to add my PayPal account to my database, still. I haven’t worked on the contract yet, still, either x_x.

I did make a personal profit of โ‚ฌ171.48 this month


The “Personal Donations” is the money I get from relatives, to get by. Yess I need a job, but I’d rather become CEO in a day than climb up the ladder… So sticking to D.O.C.I.S. International and nothing else it isssss….

When I then deduct the loss of D.O.C.I.S. of this quarter, I have made a profit of โ‚ฌ75.34 this month. But about โ‚ฌ50 on business expenses still need to be added to this balance, so then it’s โ‚ฌ25,34 ๐Ÿ™ . And all this time, my bank account’s has been chilling around its โ‚ฌ500 limit, and it still is, so my calculations must be very correct ๐Ÿ™‚ . (And it’s still not a literally negative income… ๐Ÿ™‚ )

You should know that I scored a 2.5 (depressingly bad) on my accounting exam, when I was still an economics student. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do this ๐Ÿ™ . I just don’t like being obligated to learn things that are less important to me…


05:20 (AM)

Meoww I just finished working on the contract and late night dish washing. So much for being part of a participant household. Especially my wallet is participating.

I now also finished my late night granola and will go to sleep

I believe mr. Elia threatened to kill me, under his breath, since he’s slowly starting to figure out that I’m going to destroy his fraud empire, and make my own empire thrive.



16:09 (04:09 PM)

Still in bed… I’m contemplating between going to the gym and playing basketball… I think I’ll play basketball today and go to the gym tomorrow.

I love to vent my blood lust with exercise ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s addictive.

Something I really want to get better at, by the way, is shooting. I’m talking guns. If police may walk around armed, then citizens should be allowed the same thing. Otherwise it’s not an equal battle for life. Plus, who is the cop who makes sure that dirty cops get prosecuted?

I can’t wait to finally know all fraud empire details (you know: who of our fake relatives is involved, do they also do human trafficking, have they already framed me, how much money are they hiding…) ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s better for them to be prosecuted in their disgusting national system, because in the Fangyist system, their crimes would mean the death penalty ๐Ÿ™‚ .

If I ever die under strange circumstances, you know who it was ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s easy for him to kill me, because he is not my biological father, but I do have his last name.

Money makes people do craaazy things. And aside from his perky secret fraud lifestyle, he has nothing. Only watching television, until it’s time to act perky again.

I think the fact that I’d hate myself if I’d live like that, is another reason why he hates me.

Ah meow enough about this person who makes me want to kill and vomit (literal disgust… The scent oh my god x_x) on sight.


17:35 (05:35 PM)

Change of plans. From the backyard I can see that the basketball field is occupied, and I want to play full field by myself, which is not possible, so I’m heading to the gym.

This was me yesterday:

Lil Fangs

Better lightingg

This is me today:

Lil Fangs

Is it just me, or do I look like a little B?

I am still able to crack a smile ๐Ÿ™‚ . (But whitening my teeth would make me happy haha…)

I make my own work-out scheduless. Yesterday, it was:

  • 07:50 min threadmill (3 min jogging, 2 min side-step both sides, about 1 min spriting and then walking it out a little)
  • 3 sets x 10 times lifting that 50kg for my legs and back
  • 3 sets x 7 times training abs by using my legs to lift my entire body off the bench I do this exercise on
  • 3 sets x 7 times lifting a weight for my triceps 12kg
  • 45 minutes of freestyle fighting using two punching bags (resembling two enemies)

Today, I’m thinking of:

  • Doing the same warming-up as yesterday
  • 3 sets x 10 times lifting 50 kg for my legs and back
  • 3 sets x 7 times abs full body weight
  • 3 sets x 10 times training biceps by punching with weights (idk how many kgs yet, because I haven’t done that exercise in quite a while)
  • Springtouwen? & Other jumping exercises (like jumping squats)

I’m going to finish my granola and tea, maybe eat some fruit, if I’m still hungry, and then head to the gymm xxx

I’m also going to visit my former piano teacher today, for a technical lesson ๐Ÿ™‚ .


22:32 (10:32 PM)

Meoww my day was very nice ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I stirred in this exercise, because I had to wait until the bench I use to train my abs was freee

And I was tired of “jump roping” quite fast, so I decided to do some freestyle fighting again. Made this very short video of it haha x_x.

My piano lesson was very nice. I hadn’t seen my teacher in decades, so we spent most of the time catching up. I like that I can level with her. She has been my piano teacher for almost 10 years now!

I hope you’ll see more of her work, via my publishing network ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Depending on what comes on my path the coming week, I might visit her again next week.

My wanderlust is too heavy. I still desperately want to emigrate…

I wonder when my B ( = dr. Crutzen) will be in the Netherlands again. I’m still waiting to hear “the news” regarding our encounter, the way a pet waits in front of the window, until its owner comes home.

Remember that time when I was taken out to lunch to be told to stop contacting dr. Crutzen personally, but wait until my mother has arranged our encounter?

I read that one e-mail I first didn’t read, to make sure that I wouldn’t start mailing him again, because that was what I was told not to do, but it literally only said “OK, I will call you tomorrow at 13:00.” I guess I then have a different understanding of the English language. My goddd why may I not just schedule this meeting myself ๐Ÿ™ .

I really dislike having missed out on a chance to hear his voice. The conversation took place at the scheduled moment, but I was not informed of its scheduled moment. I have to ask to see the e-mails he has sent.

He has such a pretty accent. And I can have good conversations with him. But in the end, this is all just to schedule that encounter, so luckily a real chance to hear his voice I’ll still get.

Hmmm what should I do now… I’m afraid I’ll make structural mistakes if I I start working on my contract now. I’m a bit tired…

My late night snack will be supermarket rice pudding I saw in the fridge, and after that, I’m going to enter bed pet mode.

Tomorrow, I’m going to chill with a friend. We’re going for a walk in the forest (because it’s fun and I’m on a budget) and will be meeting at a normal time (13:00), so I can’t go to bed at 5 AM and keep laying in it until 5 PM. I’m glad ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good nighttt โ™ฅ


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Personal Financial Objective

I have earned more than โ‚ฌ7 million in 5 years’ time. My carpe diem mentality (and distrust of financial markets) has incentivized me to enjoy it now – by investing it in friendships and purchasing gadgets I like – and turn it into a long-term financial safety net by investing in the hobbies I could make a living with. I have spent more than that โ‚ฌ7 million in that same period of time.

I must say that I’m a bit heart broken to find out how much I can earn, in this way. I usually end my month with about the same amount of money that was on it the previous month, so it was very unnoticeable how much has come in over time. Please know that that โ‚ฌ7 million+ is not my net worth (because spending โ‚ฌ1 million on food is not an asset? It just vanishes into thin air x_x. But my belly is filled ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Until I asked myself what my personal revenue has been over a few years’ time, just a few days ago, while properly doing my book keeping for this year’s first quarter, I had not been aware of this.

If I knew this 5 years ago, I would have spent it veryyy differently. (I really thought that I was poor, in terms of income. I still am, in comparison to my parents and how much I can currently spend (less than โ‚ฌ5).)

How I Earned It?

The number is a bit blown up, for it includes traffic from and to my savings account. The exact number, I’m still making a database for calculation for. My other savings accounts also still need to be included.

By delivering informal services (tutoring & bookkeeping), short contract jobs (Albert Heijn & ANWB), by having generous grandparents, by sometimes being paid back for treating someone, by having a lot of people celebrating my birthday with me and by my parents paying me back for household expenses and (occasionally) for other general expenses.

Why I Have Spent More Than I Earned?

  • Because new things make me happy and give me a fun occupation of time (going somewhere to buy it/using the internet for something else than gaining knowledge). I keep spending, even now that I don’t have an income, until I hit my payment account’s limit of โ‚ฌ500.
  • Because the Dutch tax system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
  • Because the Dutch health care system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
  • Because I travel (long distances) often, but don’t have a car.
  • Because most of that income comes from compensation for household purchases, and those are not always paid back in full. (Let’s say I go for gas and and buy groceries with a total of โ‚ฌ113.15, I get paid back โ‚ฌ110.-. It goes against my principles to hold a discussion over โ‚ฌ3.15, and “but you’re part of this household too” is often an argument to let me pay.)
  • I have not always asked for my money back. Because I tend to treat people, even when I don’t have the money for it, and other reasons. (Buying groceries, treating drinks, buying presents, treating restaurant dinners.)
  • Because I do not believe in banks and gambling on the stock market.

I’ve also never claimed any inheritances or obtained anything from sold family property, while I should have been considered entitled to it.

The fact that I’m currently in debt (in theory only my personal bank account debt of โ‚ฌ495.95, my study loan of about โ‚ฌ15,000.- (and I still don’t have a PhD x_x)), former business account debt of โ‚ฌ73.31 and a discutable rental car fine of โ‚ฌ1,650.20) forces me to change the way I go about my money.

My Objective

I want to earn at least the same, within the coming five years. This time preferably faster, so that I can use it to build a house (on my corporate island, which will be shared with partner citizens).

Objective Criteria

  • I will not buy anything for anyone anymore (until I earn more than I spend). This includes travel expenses for visits, cooking expenses (I believe that I should even be paid for the act of cooking itself, and that I’m a creative Michelin chef (lol)), etc.. (Haha meow I need generous and rich friendsss, otherwise I’ll stay alone forever x_x…)
  • Business expenses will not be done from my personal account anymore.
  • I’m going to ask back every penny spent on taxes too much and sue all parties in the health care system who have ever wronged me (plus the individuals who have forced me to psychiatric treatment).
  • I won’t befriend people who don’t give rounds like I do.
  • Only 50% of my income may be used for spending, the rest I’ll put on my account on my own bank (once it’s there, because fuck commercial banks etc. ๐Ÿ™‚ ). My bank will be called Planet Fang and its headquarters will be on its (is)land Planet Fang ๐Ÿ™‚ .
  • For further business expenses, trustworthy investors are needed.

Using the Safety Net

You’re looking at my safety net… My little broadcasting publishing business… I hope D.O.C.I.S. International is my gateway to useful contacts. In the end, I only care about my mission regarding societal change…

Haha I told you I’m a non-profit organization x_x.

The featured image is from Pixabay.

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Cold Case 7 [Monday, April 8, 2019]

01:27 (AM)

I love Mondays, because it’s a lot more quiet around, when people are at work ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope I’ll be able to hand dr. Crutzen his contract today ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m working on the renewed contract, in my bed. Here is a sneak preview of the contract I wanted to offer him in 2017:

This was a previous attempt of me to free myself from psychiatric surveillance and intertwine our lives. (With no success…) The D.O.C.I.S. International contract is built up very differently and is written in English.

The personal side of my case is not part of the new contract. It’s separate and there is no geheimhouding (confidentiality agreement), because that has been fucked up ever since I was reported missing anyway.

That is why not long after I started losing my battle for true freedom more, I decided to make it more public than anything has ever been public.

The D.O.C.I.S. International Partnership Agreement (which consists of two parts), is all about getting influence in D.O.C.I.S. International’s strategy and becoming part of a new financial system.

The first agreement is about initiating the process of becoming intelectually and financially intertwined. The second one about sealing out partnership.

I hope you’re interested in signing it, too! In advance, you should know that certain criteria have to be met, before one can register as a candidate of my organization.


12:54 (PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

Today is the first time I’ve had a non-self-made breakfast in a veryyy long time. The purest tasting yoghurt with granola I’ve ever eaten. Meoww I want to make my own recipe for thiss, with different and stronger spices.

Funny thing is that I’ll never get rid of the idea that people can be secretly putting drops of antipsychotics into my foods, as long as I’m in this country, which causes me to be so desperate for emigration. It’s one of the reasons why I find so much peace in cooking for the family alone.

Letting go of this life will not be easy, in the beginning. There are so many people I considered friends to grow old with.

But when I look at what I want to accomplish in life, my full determination, and the way they so firmly believe that the accomplishment of my dream is impossible, it’s overly clear that in reality, I’ve never had a chance for a future with those people.

My level of reasoning is dragged way down, every second of time I spend with them. The things they incentivize me to think of are always far too superficial. They’re so shallow that I get annoyed instantly.

Their weakness is so severe that “The world is impossible to improve” is considered a fact by them and me not believing in their fact, has been a reason for a collective of pessimistic people with no purpose in life, to diagnose me with schizophrenia.

I bet the way I’ve been stigmatized, brings them a lot of joy. Finally, a chance to not stand in the shadow of my intelligence, but to be considered someone who understands reality, “while I don’t”.

Another reason why I’ll feel relief in intercontinental distance (since California is still where I want to live until I have my own land), is because I then do not have to look my traitors in the eye anymore.

Everyone in my social circle acts nice to me, but from the way they formulate their sentences and the topics of conversation they use, I know that since I was reported missing in 2017, the greatest gossip scheme about me ever, has come to life. I can see it in their eyes. They’re not very good at acting genuine.

By going missing, I’ve, veryyy unfortunately, put my fate in their hands. They could freely decide whether to make me or break me. It’s easy to do to someone who aspires a public career. To say positive words about me, when I’m gone, or to lie and be overly negative, directly determines my public image, because my career had, back then, not officially started yet. (I still have not begun yet. I believe that it should start with a ceremony.)

It hurts me to know for over two years, that they would rather bring me down to make themselves look greater than I, than to just be genuinely supportive.

I would never be able to represent someone else in a tough period and then portray him or her like a bad person. To live with my loved ones having done that to me, on my conscious, is the reason why I have become so blood thirsty.

I must admit that I often make myself visualize myself taking their lives, because I find satisfaction in the idea of them not being able to prevent the world from becoming better, anymore. Bunch of frauds.

Using personal media to speak of someone negatively goes against my principles, but now that they have taught the world a lie about me, I have no other choice but to use my diary to expose them.

They are all very aware of that when my image is destroyed, I “have no option but to stay with them”, and I’ll have to live the proletarian life I’ve been complaining about, my entire existence.They smile when they start conversations about the way I’m living a hell of a life.

My theory is that ever since I was reported missing, they, as a collective, have broken so many laws together, that – even though it’s so overly clear that we’re not a good fit – they have decided to do everything in their power to make sure that I do not expose their secret.

Regardless of whether or not I’d actually enjoy being their indirect captive, they have their “unspoken” (only behind my back, of course (gross)) group pact they’ll have to stick to for the rest of their lives in this more than life size underwater trench of a country. And they must be making certain that I don’t find any hard evidence of this, because they know my sense of justice very well.

It really is too bad for them that the only way they’ll ever get a slight chance of doing something truly memorable, which future generations will know, is by being written down in my online diary. It saddens me that they have nothing more to offer. (Especially in my organization, there is nothing to do for them, because it will be far too complex for them.)


14:35 (02:35 PM)

I know I’ll seal and celebrate the parting, by spontaneously changing my number and deleting my Whatsapp account, without saying anything. I mean, “they don’t read my diary”, so it must be “surprising”.

Sadly, doing that will only be successful when I emigrate and dr. Crutzen signs my contract. If not today, then hopefully tomorrow.

I’m going to head to the gym now and then get to work on the contract and self-designed screening process ๐Ÿ™‚ .


17:42 (05:42 PM)

I’ve amped-up to 50 kgs ๐Ÿ™‚

And I used the treadmill instead of the cross trainer ๐Ÿ™‚


22:22 (10:22 PM)

Meoww I spent more time at the gym than I intended to, I had random inspiration for this note-to-self article and I spent more time on my bezwaarschrift (notice of objection) than I intended to.

I ended it with a nice and formal fuck you ๐Ÿ™‚ . I am not going to pay โ‚ฌ369 for “being too late” filing my taxes for 2016, while I reported my 2016 โ‚ฌ0 revenue on time. And I didn’t have an income tax job. Ben je nou godverdomme helemaal van de pot gerukt ๐Ÿ™‚ .

That image, again, shows a lott of transparencyyy. I have more of those gems in my diary ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meowss I’m going to walk to the mailbox at the metro station to post this letter. The letter with the fine on it says that if the letter is not received by the 12th of April, my objection will not be taken into consideration.

Fucking disgusting tax system.

Tomorrow is my B’s favorite day (is that one of our inside jokesยฟ). I hope I’ll succeed in finishing our contract on time, but I’m tired ๐Ÿ™ . And I don’t know when to expect him x_x.


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What is your personal life time income?

Mine is โ‚ฌ7.473.878,-. (But this number is solely based on the incoming and outgoing payments of my main bank account, so the official number – which is still being calculated – will be more or less.)

A personal life time income is the total amount of money added to your bank acount(s), over your entire life span.

It’s a funny trick to show how worthless money actually is ๐Ÿ™‚ .

How much are all of our lives literally worth? What would that say about the status Earth’s resources?

I suppose the number would say as less as the status is severe. That’s why we should transition to the Fangyist financial model.

It will be included in the third book of Nosce Te Ipsum. I hope you’ll get calculating and share your intel with me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Since what we’re doing to our planet is destructive to nature, the amount of access an individual has to resources, really has to be calculated differently. Is should be calculated in a sustainable way. Like in the Fangyist system, for example ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Change will come, soon. Are you interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International?

The featured image is from Pixabay.

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Cold Case 6 [Sunday, April 7, 2019]

01:59 (AM)

What is safety, in this context?

Back-up in the cloud and on my laptop itself? Back-up on an external device? A back-up on paper? If the bank loses my files they’re in trouble. Back-up on a satellite? Back-up 10000 meters below sea level?

What is trust? [Het financieel systeem is zo lek als een mandje. Uiteindelijk klopt mijn boekhouding nog he… Hoeveel procent van de wereldbevolking is fraudeur?]

Oh boy, I need to be in the city center of Rotterdam at about 11 o’clock today. To cheer for my mother, because she’s going to run a marathon tomorrow.

My god please do not expect me to elaborate on that with sentimental wordsI’m busyyyy xxx

After cheering, I have a contract to adjustttt

“Case closed”?

I’m also fighting blood thirst. In case you were looking for ammo ๐Ÿ™‚ .


08:48 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚

I have not slept yet. I said “tomorrow”. That’s what I usually refer to, when I speak of coming events, before going to sleep.

A loss of 61,287.- Euros x_x. 1 Jan 14 – 5 Apr 19. The query shows dollar signs, but the actual amounts are in euros. My laptop considers me American haha. ( = Conscious antrophomorphism, not schizophrenia)

I want to sleep, but also feel like continuing the application I intend to build, and this contract…


10:16 (AM)

Running late as usual. I’m going to cycle to the event.


12:25 (PM)






To find my relatives

I’m going to wash my afro now xxx.

I hope to see Benoรฎt – sexy catje I hope to be calling daddyyy – soon. (Like tomorrow or something? I don’t like it when I’m prohibited from fixing something myself.)

Ik ben ook nog bij de Coolsingel geweest xd


Handle disrespect with disrespect is the way to go

I saw my neighbor approaching her home, walking, as I approached my home, cycling.

I said “hi”

She did not respond.

I was quite stunned, because to me, it seemed like she noticed that I was there. Not that I was feeling like having a conversation, but jwt solidariteit. I’m tiredd.

I went inside to hang my coat, because I was dressed quite warm.

I went outside again, to put my bike in the shed

She asked me if my mother’s marathon went well.

I said “Vast wel” and went inside, zwiepte de deur dicht, met mijn vingers.

Doing everyday shit with Lil Fangs

Minus the sentimenttt

It’s fun ๐Ÿ˜€ .


14:43 (02:43 PM)

Nu ik die vervallen teringzooi in Rotterdam heb gezien ben ik gelijk weer helemaal van slag ๐Ÿ™ . (That sounds funny to me.)

Something very pressing about my life philosophy, is that I find that a new collective should take the lead, regarding the environmental decay of the Netherlands, the way nature could strike out of nowhere, and how just keep making the dykes higher is not solving the problem.

I hope to be able to figure out a way to emigrate (being a Dutch citizen is like having a financial ankle bracelet, shout out to the Belastingdienst [I’m sooooo pro tax reform]), after seeing my B.

I’m making a packing list, just in case ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Always sidewaysss

As I ponder and gaze at this tree, I think: “Is it always winter, below sea level?”


23:31 (11:31 PM)

If I’m correct, the week in which I finally get my life back to normal (I mean normal as in justice, having someone to talk to, finally getting a proper chance to get my business off the ground, et cetera), has begun ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope I’ll be able to be certain about this – but I’m unfortunately still subject to people who have authority over me, while they should not have this. Not only because I’m competent. More because I consider them unable to truly do what is right.

Especially after the 22 years of being taken for granted, being discriminated, being stigmatized, et cetera. My goddd I’d kill for the certainty to never see these people again.

I sooo hopeee I can move to any place where someone like me – someone who prefers silence over hearing superficial shit conversations and being in large hoards of people while inhaling big city car fumes – can live in peace.

Soo yess I’m just going to keep my side of the encounter short. I’ll offer him a new version of the contract I had composed for him in 2017. Other than that, I hope we can get to private brainstorming soon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

We’ll become One. That is what the contract does and that is what D.O.C.I.S. International means.

I just woke up from my long nap, after having gone a few days pulling all-nighters. Time for late night dinner and making this contracttt xxx


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Cold Case 5 [Saturday, April 6, 2019]

01:10 (AM)

I’m happy to never feel aloneee


19:54 (07:54 PM)

I went to sleep around 6 AM x_x. Doing my bookkeeping is addictive ๐Ÿ˜ฎ . It was hard for me to quit adding new entries. Now I have all rough data for this quarter, I need for my tax report of the first quarter of this year, and I can make my own fun charts with :D.

Having your bookkeeping in this format is required to become an official partner of D.O.C.I.S. International (as an individual), because in that way we can make sure that we are financially in synch, and we can use it to determine the value of the Fangia (our own valuta) ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Designing a special contract and “becoming a partner” programme for this, are on my to-do list, including writing that bezwaarschrift letter [I’m not going to pay a โ‚ฌ369 fine for filing my tax report in 2016 too late, because I fucking filed ittt. There was just nothing to account for.]

Yesterday + last night were better than usual. I was quite high after the “power plant” I obtained after grocery shopping after going to the gym. I’ve cycled 1 hour in total for it.

Now I’m shopping for groceries avec my mother. We also went to the center of Rotterdam to pick up her “start number” for the marathon she’ll run tomorrow.

I like the intentional messiness of my hair


23:29 (11:29 PM)

The lamb biryani improv with veggies made was nicee

My grandmother helped by cutting the vegetables. She came for a visit ๐Ÿ™‚ . Usually she only does that every Sunday.


23:32 (11:32 PM)

It’s accounting timeee.


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Cold Case 4 [Friday, April 5, 2019]

03:55 (AM)

Meoww yess so I’m now going to add the final layer of fun complexity to the “I developed a major crush on someone who might turn out to be my actual biological father, who has also been the motive for other people, to diagnose me with schizophrenia” story that is part of my cold case: he (dr. Crutzen) has always been able to hear me reason, and as I matured (forgetting parts of my childhood), and he mentally identifies himself through my reasoning (just like many other people), he might have forgotten that he is my father, and had grown accustomed to the title of sexy mysterious Graeyniss I consider him to be, in my mind. Or he just didn’t know how to tell me his secret, and can’t deny mutual attraction. Either way: my roots are a mystery and I want to find a way to have dr. Crutzen in my life for the rest of my life, from our coming encounter onwards. (It would make the U.S.H.R. look much more credible, too.)

More about this, after I have slept some. Meoww I just finished eating some late night sweetness:

Corn flour pourridge and “fruit stew” (strawberries, blueberries, plantain, raspberries, orange juice, vanilla and mint)

Goood night xxx


18:33 (06:33 PM)

I’ll keep “cold casing” until the encounter takes place… It’s a bit like groping in the dark, because for some reason, because I’ve been told to stop seeking direct contact – do not exactly understand why, but that encounter could make that clear – and thus I have put my faith and fate in the hands of my mother, who has become my middle woman in this. She decides when it takes place. She must have her questions, too, for the both of us. Since she initiated the entire case.

So the great question on my own mind is what approach should I use to become best friends ever with him…? We were speaking of doing a research project together, the last time I spoke to him, before that nonsense case was started. I guess I’ll make a new proposal for that, and stir in D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R..

It’s too bad that I have no clue how long I’ll wait for this. I guess I should start to apply for jobs to serve drinks somewhere. (But in actuality, I really don’t want to… I want a job where scripted social interaction is kept to a minimum and I have the most self-authority possible… I don’t know where to find that, for my level of education xd. (I don’t have any useful diplomas in that range of fields (functies als leidinggevende).)

That’s what I’ll work on, after working out. I’m heading to the gym xxx


00:18 (12:18 AM)

This is my favoriteee. I want to be able to lift a freight truckkk

Keeping it simpleยฟ I put ginger in my soja saus xd. My parents went to the weekly Friday Afternoon Drink.

I’ve been a baby subject of this Dutch hospital program called the “PIAMA Onderzoek”. They will now approach me personally.

Fissa. 30 april dit inleveren en voor 12 april een bezwaarschrift indienen

I also made asparagus soupp sort of haha

Late night bookkeeping horaaaay.

I’m home aloneee

I’ll talk to you laterr xxx


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Cold Case 3 & Tasksss [Thursday, April 4, 2019]

00:56 (12:56 AM)

Meoww I ended up still going to the gym and later accompanied a friend to the university library, while I was doing my depressing book keeping.

2019kw1+… My Access database will be able to make its own income statements and charts and stuff sooon ๐Ÿ™‚

I need a donation/investment to make my business look more attractive, and that could then lead to anything that looks like revenue.

Currently, I have no income. Only fucking high personal expenses (from my personal account) to escape my parents’ home. And then I get so broke that I have no other option but to go home. Every fucking time. I hope my B will save me! ๐Ÿ™

There are no definitive location, time and date chosen to meet him yett. I hope he has time to call today ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope I’ll see him very soon.

I’ve been having extreme second thoughts about the university being the neutral ground our first encounter after 2 years should take place at. It leaves such a bad impression that we can’t just discuss it one-on-one, but that my mother “has to” be present. Why don’t they trust my B ๐Ÿ™ . It makes me look soooooooo unprofessional ๐Ÿ™ .

Today, I’m going to continue to work on my bookkeeping, do other useful things and go to the gym again in the evening. Secretly hoping to hear from my B and throw around my entire schedule ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m off to beddd

Goood nighttt xxx


19:45 (07:45 PM)

Meoww my day is more bed petty than I expected it to be. It’s so hard for me to get out it… And my heart has been acting up heavily. That I have not yet eaten or drunken anything today can be one of the factors causing that. It’s a vicious cycle.

I wake up tired, stay in bed hoping to feel less tired, get (more) hungry as I lay in bed, the Dutch diet does not suit my taste (because it’s unnatural and I can taste that) and that causes me to not want to eat, my body weakens and I get more tired as I don’t want to eat while I should, a lot of time passes as I lay down contemplating life, right before I feel that I’ll pass out, I get up to (get ready and) eat and then I still work on the schedule I’ve given myself for that day, causing me to sleep late.

I see several things I need to do to break that cycle:

  • See a doctor (because my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia influence my fatigue).
  • Move to a country where non-artificially grown foods are sold. It’s better for my health and I’d be able to really enjoy food again.
  • Get my business off the ground, so that I feel happy and have a reason to leave my bed and use my diverse range of talents, every day.
  • Surround myself with people who are able to understand how I feel (because the judgment of those who don’t is very hurtful and depressive. I wouldn’t care, if I could distance myself from them).

All things on that list cost money, and that is something I don’t have at the moment, so, again, this starts with earning enough to emigrate and thrive my business ASAP. That means not receiving the salary of an uneducated person, and that seems unavoidable in this country, being who I am.

Another reason why I feel like laying in my bedroom with the blinds closed, is having spent hours in full confrontation with how incredibly broke I am, from making that Access database for bookkeeping.

I’m still going to continue working on it today, though. Obligations….

Currently, I’m waiting for dinner, which will be my first meal of the day. On the long term, I’m waiting for my B… I’m going to elaborate on that after I’m done eating.


22:33 (10:33 PM)

It’s crazy to say that in 2017 I started waiting intuitively. Dr. Crutzen (also known as my B haha xd) was interested in doing business with me, and my worries about never being able to leave my parents’ house started to fade a little.

Until my parents themselves strategically distanced me from him, with their psychiatric measures. They have portrayed him as the cause of my odd behavior. While they are the cause. Look at all of the weird shit I need to do to escape their authority.

The concept of brain-to-brain communication is what makes understanding this situation more complex to those who do not have that type of connection with me.

I love being able to hear him in my mind. My parents and every person related to psychiatry they have involved in my case, have said that me saying that I appreciate it is just a sign of mental distortion and weakness, and that they have to help me by forcing me to take high dosages of antipsychotics, my body is intolerant of. (I want to help myself and future victims by prosecuting them for this.)

If he, in the period in which I was still under treatment in his name (while they never let my B and I deliver a statement together, the way they should have), would have confirmed our brain-to-brain communication, would have said that he really wants to do business with me and that I am right for wanting to distance myself from all of them, they would have destroyed both our careers, instead of just mine. All of this was happening behind closed doors. This blog did not exist yet, so they could have done whatever to us – the way I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures or videos in the institutions I’ve been in – and no one would know about the even worse injustice we could have been living through.

Now there’s only the injustice I’ve been living through, being treated and stigmatized as a schizophrenic, while being strategically kept away from the only person who can truly help me out of this situation.

That is absolutely not nothing – because it has emotionally (I’m still dealing with flashbacks that raise my heart rate and make me feel very sad and angry (veryyyyy angry)) and physically (tachycardia and muscle stiffness) destroyed me – but at least it’s solvable.

Especially now that my mother has burnt her fingers by wanting to seal her victory, by contacting dr. Crutzen about me, just a few weeks ago. She just doesn’t know it yet. (Then again, maybe she does? She lies to me so often that I don’t know what’s real anymore.)

He has told her things like “I’m worried about Dominique, too” and “sterkte”, which seems like sympathy towards her. Her worry about me relates to me not socializing with our “family” the way I used to, preferring death over a working for a boss and making statements about how brain-to-brain communication will save me from her intense attachment to me.

I believe that his worry about me relates to the very frequent near death experiences I experience, because of the state of my heart, and the way I scream in silence at night, because I miss him far too much and want him to cuddle me to sleep. And my worry for encountering another person who’ll state that he/she is trustable and then forces me to make the schizophrenic nonsense I live through worse again.

Unfortunately you, my dear reader, will soon have to choose a side. I don’t want to be experienced by the eyes of those who can consider me a schizophrenic. Those are people I refuse to do business with. It’s your choice, to either spend the rest of your life in the camp of my “parents” and the masses they have convinced of me being a mentally weak person and a bad leader, or to join team Fangs and enjoy the benefits of living under D.O.C.I.S. International (once we have our compounds).

I love you no matter what you choose. I’m trying my best to explain the (figurative) camps to you, but, of course, you’ll need to hear the perspective of the other camp personally as well.

What makes this situation even more layered, is that I remember the first time seeing dr. Crutzen was in 2015 – when I was in high school, visiting the university he works at, as a “student for a day” – and that we started to become friends in 2017, after I had followed (but never finished… I didn’t attend the final exam, because I hate to fail tests I haven’t prepared for (and knowing that in advance)… ๐Ÿ™ ) his class. After all that time, I developed a major crush on him… It’s something I didn’t dare to share with others.

We have so much in common that I couldn’t help but be very attracted to him. I rarely meet someone like me. (Really… It’s 1/10000000…) The first time I was in his private presence – not saying much, which is what happens when I find someone attractive – was when I took my ex-boyfriend (who then was my boyfriend) and his friend to one of the first lectures of dr. Crutzen’s block, because they disapprove of microeconomic theory as a whole, so I wondered if his perspective would change anything about that. (It did not.)

I enjoyed hearing dr. Crutzen’s perspective, because in my relationship, I, too, was defending the subject, but I was still a pupil. It was nice to hear someone argue for my side, for a change, and really liked the way he is so different from anyone I have ever met. (The way he speaks and the way he moves, very much included.) Ever since that little debate, I used any nonsense that popped up in my head to approach him with a question after his lectures. I just really enjoyed talking to him and hearing his unique perspective…

This one time, he asked me to e-mail him the reason why I wanted to speak to him, because he had to go somewhere. From that moment onwards, our friendship developed itself. When I had quit my studies and I was trying to further develop my PR concept – while things in my personal life were quite awful – we decided to meet in person, in his office.

The first time, we were alone and we talked about literally everything. The second time, my boyfriend was present as well, we had a very diverse conversation again, he advised me to select the last option of the document with business ideas I had sent him, and he lent me two books.

Those two times we spent time together in private – just chatting in his office – I’d become internally sad after saying hello. I didn’t like saying goodbye to him, and wished that I could spend forever with him. (As his adopted child, I considered a possibility, then. Since things at my house were very unpleasant to me.)

I spent a lot of time reading the books he lent (or gave toยฟ) me and worked on the development of that “PR combined with a lot of different subjects, with happiness as its end goal” ( = D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R., basically…). I didn’t see him in the meantime, because I really wanted to impress him with my ideas, so I wanted to have fully finished them first.

At home, my parents gave me deadlines for expecting business results, having to find a job, having to move out, et cetera. I didn’t meet any of them, because they interfered with the alternative path I had chosen, where the goal is far more important than the basic routine of life.

To meet them in the middle, I proposed to follow an accounting course in Atlanta, for executives, for which the final assignment was to give a presentation about an example of an accounting problem in my field. I saw that as the perfect opportunity to use my PR strategy in practice, work together with dr. Crutzen (as my subject) and improve my chances on the job market.

Unfortunately, my parents didn’t want to pay for the course (because the Dutch tax agency would be notified of how much money there actually is in this household and they said that they don’t trust me anymore with following an education programme, because I had quit the economics program), they found Atlanta too far away (because they wouldn’t be able to do anything or know what happened, in case something happens… If there’s one commonly said statement that can piss me off, it’s that. Might as well spend eternity in a fucking bird cage (oh wait I’m already doing that haha (not funny haha help meeee))) and they didn’t want me to spend so much time with dr. Crutzen (because he is not a friend of the family). I was disappointed and angry about my parents decision [it’s very annoying to live poor in the house of rich people, just because they fear they will be caught with their fraudulent shit, if they share with me], but happy that dr. Crutzen still wanted to develop that campaign with me.

Unfortunately (again), not so long after this, the fights at home became worse, I shunned my parents (by means of not having to argue), and that was when they started their psychiatric nonsense, for which they blamed dr. Crutzen. That was exactly two years ago.

What makes all of this even crazier, is that my mother – a while ago, when I wasn’t posting diary posts (in 2019) – said “You want him to do a paternity test, don’t you?” While that was not on my mind at all… It wouldn’t surprise me if dr. Crutzen is my biological father. I don’t look like mr. Elia (who I do regard to as my father) at all. But in the few weeks before that, my mother has fully denied my gut feelings of dr. Crutzen being my father. (Though she could have sooo many reasons to deny it, and they’re all just as frustrating. Getting married while you’re pregnant with someone else’s child… What a hassle x_x.)

Could that mean that I’ve coincidentally developed this super intense crush on someone who turns out to be my biological father? Yesssssss. This might sound very random, but I would find that very cool ๐Ÿ˜€ . It would show suuuch an interesting form of heredity… It’s also great for developing our relationship, because I want hugs and kisses, and to sit on his lap and get bedtime lectures and stuff… ๐Ÿ˜€

It would be so trippy to go from “I’m Surinamese Creole, “Boeroe” (Surinamese Caucasian), Surinamese Native, Bahamian, Jamaican and English” to “I’m BlackTalian”. But I’m already quite accustomed to the title ๐Ÿ˜€ (in my mind haha…). I’ve never met someone who is Surinamese and Italian. (It’s almost as if its cultures are in contradiction with each other…)

The confusing part is that there was sexual attraction, before I had the knowledge of his potential fathership. I’d never give in to that attraction that much in real life anyway, since he’s a married man, but it won’t vanish. Once it’s there, it’s there. That’s the way I am.

It’s way past twelve, so I’m going to start a new diary day xxx


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Cold Case 2 & Bookkeeping [Wednesday, April 3, 2019]

02:05 (AM)

[(As usual) I’m elaborating on what I said yesterday.]

To prevent more distortion in the story about me, I think a “public debate” (though I wanted to keep things simple and private, but that is not an option) would be good. To let both sides of the story about me be heard at one occasion, and let people then form their own opinions. Instead of just following those lies that were spread about me, when I was “missing”.

I would appreciate it a lot, if we could stir in my debate about Keynes and the practices of the alternative sustainable financial system I’d like to put into practice. Meow the encounter is such a good opportunity to share ideas xd.

It took a very long time – two years, instead of the two weeks I expected – but I couldn’t be happier with the way it’s playing out.

This one encounter is the reason why I started to share my story. So that people can get the chance to form their own opinions, instead of following my parents’ right away, when hell breaks loose again, once I’ll leave them for good, after I’m finally reunited with he who does understand me.

Ever since my parents forbade me to see dr. Crutzen, who can add sooooooo much depth to my business strategy, in a way no one else can, I was lost. I was very disappointed in them, for their interference.

All my life, they’ve been breathing down my neck for good grades and anything else that is important when you want to see your child successful and wealthy. So I was so shocked, when they started to prohibit my business from thriving.

The fights we were having because of this, caused me to never want to speak to them again. This want has never changed. (My financial situation keeps it from happening. I’m basically bankrupt x_x. I can’t move out…)

I felt very depressed after being forced to let go of the person who had become so important to me in a very short period of time. My parents went as far as forcing me to undergo psychiatric treatment for this. I’ve been forced to take many types of antipsychotics.

My (low-budget, because then, too, I was broke) way to escape the psychiatric treatment I could not escape from, was running from home. I’ve told them plenty of times that I did not want that treatment and that they should fucking listen to me. So I was shocked to hear that they reported me missing, when it was clear to me that if you do not accept the terms under which I wish to live in the household of which I, too, make part, those people can get the fuck out of my life.

Everyone who is capable of believing that I have ever not been able to find my way home, and who believes that I’m a schizophrenic, can stay the fuck out of my life. I’m everything except an individual who can not handle the mental. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the few who dares and is able to think of solutions to the fucking shit world we live in.

The reason why all of this pisses me off so fucking much, is because they had the nerve to ignore my wishes, let me be diagnosed with schizophrenia and live stigmatized, without ever asking dr. Crutzen for his side of the story. They believed that he was only my professor, but that I didn’t even attend his class and that I only believed that I had a connection with him, because I had been smoking too much weed.

The fact that he wants to help me end the hell I’ve been living through, already gives them an indication that they’ve been VERYYYYYYYY wrong for saying that I’ve never spoken to him in private. And my encounter with him will prove everything else I’ve been saying, too.

I really hope that, if my mother and dr. Crutzen really decide to make it big, my Vicje, Sander and Lorenzo will be present as well, and that they would like to become my ambassadors ๐Ÿ˜€ . And that every motherfucker involved in putting me through that psychiatric hell will be present, too, so that I can personally tell them that I’m going to sue them all for emotionally destroying me.

That was a very little summary of the shit I’ve been living through in the past two years. I hope the conclusion – which is the encounter – will come soon. I want to finally leave this all behind and focus on what is really important: D.O.C.I.S. International.

So meoww, today, I’m going to be hoping that my B calls my mother to arrange things, while I do my bookkeeping (both business and personal) [I’m going to make my Access database for it today…] and attend a boxing class.

I’m now going to attempt to sleep, while on the inside, as usual, I’m still raging because of the ignored injustice I’ve been living through all this time and people turning their backs on me et cetera.

Good night โ™ฅ


14:43 (02:43 PM)

Meoww my preference for our first encounter really is something private, though. A public debate is much nicer when it’s well-prepared (by both sides). And there are far too many emotions I’ve had to hide for two years, so I’d really like a moment to combine the sadness of my two years of hell (if not more), with the extreme happiness that will come from seeing him and all of this finally being over, in private.

I hope we’ll take some good pictures together. And that we’ll co-write many things!!!

Guess where I’m at? Still in bed x_x. My stomach as earsplitting as usual.

Meoww I feel so tired, still ๐Ÿ™ . I should make an appointment to see my doctor in Germany, but the journey of visiting him is tiring as well (just thinking of it makes me feel as if I’ll collapse on the way there), and I’m crazy broke. I feel like bed petting all day again x_x. Aside from making my own bookkeeping database, of course.

I don’t know if I should go boxing today. I love getting rid of my cropped up anger, but doing that in a group, with the risk of entering a new/boosting a gossip scheme, whenever I do something odd, as the newcomer… I’ve been too alone for too long to be able to enjoy a non-business-related group setting, I feel.

Especially because I fuuucking hate mainstream media and don’t give a fuck about celebrity gossip et cetera, I don’t feel like meeting new people. I just want my Graeynissis…


18:09 (06:09 PM)

Heyy I have this random accounting question I’d like to ask a Graeyniss:

When I buy a WordPress plugin to improve my services, is that plugin than accounted for as an asset with monetary value?

Because in reality, digital products are worthless, but I do have paid for it…

I’m making a VBA application for my personal bookkeeping, because regular software is not programmed for my situation, where all business expenses are done from my personal account.


19:52 (07:52 PM)

The same question goes for the purchase of a license for a virus scanner… I’ll now account for it as “general operating expense”.


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Cold Case [Tuesday, April 2, 2019]

15:53 (03:53 PM)

Hi โ™ฅ

Just like yesterday and manyyy days before that, I’m still in bed (around this time)… I’m not outing how much of a bed pet I am that often – in comparison with how often I’m exhausted and self-cuddly like this.

That’s because it’s my guilty pleasure… Dutch culture is all about getting up early and doing things together, saying that you contribute to society. My bed pettiness is considered a symptom of the illness I believe I do not have (schizophrenia), so I’m very incentivized to not shout it from the rooftops.

I reallyyy can’t wait until I see my B, because – whether or not he confirms or denies our brain-to-brain communication – the “hang out” that will soon take place, including him, my parents(, my sister (if she doesn’t have other plans)) and maybe other people [I’m not sure, because my mother is arranging this with him, because there are many reasons why he can’t reply to the manyyy messages I sent him ***], will give me a chance to reopen the cold case I have become.

Meoww my stomach is loud asf and I need to pick up my trenchcoat and black suit jacket, before the dry cleaner’s close (05:45 PM). I need to quickly shower etc fastt. Plus we’re out of bread and I’m in the mood for bread with truffle cheese and ginger jam.


  • Brood
  • Gemberjam
  • Activia yoghurt met vijgensmaak
  • Nog meer belegยฟ

So I’m going to shower and attempt to make a rested impression using make-up etc, cycle to the grocery store, eat “breakfast” and cycle to the dry cleaner’s. And then Thai boxing starts at 18:30…Meoww I actually think that I prefer to go back to bed, instead of going boxing. I can also go boxing tomorrow, since I already did a full-body work-out yesterday.And not going will give me plenty of time to elaborate on the three asterisks I wrote when I very indirectly mentioned the depths of my cold case. A case that touches on both my police record and my medical record.

To be continued xxx


17:10 (05:10 PM)

Thunder strikes… I’m going to use the metro and I’m skipping make-up… And breakfast… Typing diary posts is time consuming haha…

And all I can think of is the water on the other side of the dyke(s) getting higher x_x


19:32 (07:32 PM)

I picked up my stuff at the dry cleaner’s and I entered full pet mode.

Zero Suit Samus is indestructible in the Super Smash Bros’ Adventure mode on the Switch x_x

There’s some salmon I’ll prepare for dinner (my breakfast) and then I’ll update you with an update of the cold case I’ve been speaking of since I started this blog.


21:12 (09:12 PM)

Topped with only parsley, lemon slices and a bit of sea salt, by means of keeping it simple

Here’s an update about my cold case [that what is in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I] – in which I am (currently still) my own detective (but I hope I’ll finally get the justice I deserve):

Last week Friday, my mother told me that my B called her to tell her that he’ll do whatever it takes, to help me out. And that they’ll be in touch again, when he’s back in/near Rotterdam, to schedule the date, time and location. She told me that she was terrified from making that phonecall. I couldn’t respond to the statement about fear, because I can get very defensive when people judge my B, while he’s very important to me, and they don’t know a thing about us. She wasn’t terrified when she accused an innocent man of kidnapping me. And when she said that me saying that I’ve met him in private, was a psychosis.

So today, after a few days of mentally preparing myself to stay calm when I hear more negative judgment (because of solidarity and my interest in anything that relates to my B) I asked why their conversation was terrifying to her. She said that it was because she was suddenly speaking in English, to a man she has never met before, and that she could barely understand her when he, in Dutch, told her “sterkte”. (It saddens me that my B sees and hears my experience alongside his own experience, and that he has heard this insult through me, and that he now still has to talk to her to continue making that appointment.)

They were both mailing each other back and forth about how worried they are about me. I hope I’ll know a time where people stop saying that I, who have no such intentions, who try to make a difference, too, cause worry over absolutely nothing.

I asked them if they already had a time and location in mind. She said that we’ll meet “on neutral territory”, so not at her (and my (theoretically)) house and also not at his house. (Which is too bad, because I think the house I live in is “neutral” enough to discuss this in.) She still believes that brain-to-brain communication is impossible.

According to her, the “one-time conversation” will either be at a location she then rents or at the Erasmus University, she said. And that she’ll be the only other person present at the conversation.

I told her that I really do not want her to spend money on this. I prefer to get a chance to speak to him alone – because sooo much has happened in the past two years and I actually just want to hug him for far too long and be happy that my suffering will finally be over and that I then finally see someone who is truly capable of understanding me.

But I said that if the conversation needs to be done in front of the eyes of someone who is trustable to my mother, then at least my sister should be present. I’d be happy if she’d finally hear my side of the story and “see proof”.

I said that, if the first time seeing him after two years of hell really has to be in a public place, we should just claim an entire lecture hall, when it’s free. (Maybe in the evening?) And then say that whoever knows about my/our case is welcome to come and hear everything about me going missing and everything that came from that.

Meoww I’m going to make myself some tea, eat something light and start a new diary post day xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Grrr [Monday, April 1, 2019]

03:54 (AM)

The most important part of my list is done. My websites are updated with The Hypothesis.

I’m now going to relax until I may finally see the person who I really want to have in my life. I have worked very hard, though unpaid, and have deserved a moment to relax my brain.

Of course, I’m tasked with making dinner today. Other than that, I’m going to do non-business-related things I’m in the mood for. Yes, on a Monday.


19:00 (07:00 PM)

I decided to “keep it simple”. So that I have enough time to visit the gym ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Oh my godd and when I get the attention I deserve, I am going to destroyyyy the Dutch health care system. They keep charging me with random shit, saying it’s “eigen bijdrage” (aside from the mandatory montly subscription), while I can’t even go to the doctor in this god forsaken country.

(Because my physician believes that I’m a schizophrenic and therefore my health complaints are not real to her, and the phycisian is “the gateway to access to health care” in this system. I find that she deserves to be put in her place for discriminating me. This is memtion in my diary in detail quite a few times.)


22:17 (10:17 PM)

The gym was niceee *heart eyes cat emoji*. I love to decompress.

I was just doing my warming up and my heart rate shows 166… for what? I was not even sprinting… Tachycardia strikes again (alwaysss) x_x.

It was my first time visiting “the new gym”, now that the previous gym I was a member of, has done a buy-out on its property.

It’s “nice” that it’s right next to the dyke, because that really makes me feel like running. (You know, just looking at it and visualizing the IJssel raiding down it. I fear not being able to survive, by drowning in an attempt to escape the high-speed waves x_x.) And it’s much closer to “home” than the previous gym. Plus, they have better punching bags ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m going for a Thai boxing class tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Now I’m going to finish my second dinner (because gym sessions make me crazy hungry), take a shower and brain-to-brain communication chill with my B (which is what, truthfully, I always do when I’m alone (which is alwaysssss)) until I fall asleeep.

Good night ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

(The new update for the WordPress app I use on my phone, causes me to not be able to use non-basic emojis in my updates anymore ๐Ÿ™ . )


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To-do List [Sunday, March 31, 2019]

04:13 (AM)

Meoww I fear being called a schizophrenic for being awake so late/early still. Are the lights too dim?

These are a few of my answers to the questions in The Hypothesis:


I came across this:

Jong geleerd

Is oud gedaan


11:08 (AM)~~~

11:25 (AM)

Meanwhile, there’s this hypothesis “how I’m going to get the fuck out of my parents’ house” I’ve also been working on for quite a while. It involves my B ๐Ÿ˜€ .

And I have a candidate for my CouncilCorrection: I do nottt.


Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts

The Hypothesis [Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5]

Proudly, I present you: the publication in which all loose ends of my former publications, come together. This is the final episode of the first book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series: The Hypothesis. What has happened to us, after The Sun Power Ritual? Will we be able to prevent The Leak from destroying our Planets? It depends on the decisions you make, in continuance of the fill-in-the gap science-fiction satire.

The Hypothesis (Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5)
Blog, Online Diary

Episode 5 [Saturday, March 30, 2019]

03:33 (AM)

If all goes well, my newest book will be online this evening. I’m quite proud of the cover I created for it:

Major upgrade ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s 30/03 03:33. Make a wish!

Haha meow I wish everyone with a good heart a lot of success in life.

Bad people I don’t wish this, because that makes the world worse.

That typing was quite random. I’m off to beddd xxx


23:23 (11:23 PM)

My new episode is online ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m doing some revisions… 84 mini pages, themed with a new democracy ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Websites D.O.C.I.S. International and have to be updated with the programme of what is to come, too, still. This reminds me of what I said on March 18th. I found that by searching the word “bullshit” on my blog xd.


Blog, Online Diary

Clarityยฟ [Friday, March 29, 2019]

00:47 (12:47 AM)

Meoww I just made my comment section as well as my forum fully open, instead of requiring login at the forum and name and e-mail for comments. From analyzing my statistics, I see that this isn’t a place for visits that are that frequent, compared to visiting Facebook, whatever news source or Google or something, so the incentive to make an account isn’t that large, I guess. I find it all too quiet, so I hope this will help me get some more social action on here ๐Ÿ™‚ . Especially now that The Hypothesis will be released… Tomorrow…? Meoww to be honest, I have a lot to write, still, but I’m trying my best to have it online in time, which is why I’m going to continue again, after this legally bought still illegal smoke.

It doesn’t sound very right, but I just feel more as though I can share what I really think, instead of all of these nuanced statements, when I’ve done this… Meoww I hope you’ll read it, when it’s finished, hopefully tomorrow night ๐Ÿ™‚ .


18:32 (06:32 PM)

Next week, I’ll see my B ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m so happy to hear that he is willing to do whatever it takes, to help me launch my career! I’ll try to convince him to become a publicist and ambassador of D.O.C.I.S. International! ๐Ÿ˜€

Meanwhile, I’m busy working on the last book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series, which has got me swampeddd xxx


Blog, Online Diary

The Niss Continues [Thursday, March 28, 2019]

15:45 (03:45 PM)

Meoww I have some news for you, but no definitive news yet, unfortunately. The pro and contra camps have been defined further.

I was invited to lunch and had one of the best one-sided sandwiches I’ve ever had:

“Broodje Jofel”

The reason was to tell me that the phone conversation has been postponed and to say that my e-mails have scared off my B so much that he’s now more scared off? I haven’t read the message in which he told my mother this, because she kept reiterating that I should stop sending him e-mails, because that was, according to her, what he has told her.

If I read another e-mail about him mailing things about me to her, I’d just feel like mailing him more. And it would hurt me so much if I’d read those words – even though it could have also never been said, or be a misinterpretation. So I have chosen not to read the message he sent to her and wait for when he (phone) calls her from his office… I don’t understand why she doesn’t propose to meet him in person right away, like we both proposed.

The rest of our conversation was – just like the rest of them in the past two years – about “what if” situations, regarding my connection with him.

The discussion of the past two years, is, sad but true, basically: “Why aren’t B and I BFF’s, if we can communicate with brain-to-brain communication”. The conclusion of my insanity has been drawn, without any confirmation of him. In the past two years, I’ve been keeping my foot down about that that conclusion can’t be drawn, without his official statement. They’ve ignored that, the case has been closed and I’ve lived my life stigmatized as a schizophrenic. But after 1001 “family conversations” where they speculate about how he feels about this, I’ve typed an e-mail for my mother to send him, requesting to solve this problem once and for all.

Contra – not my side – is all about “what if he says that he wants nothing to do with you at all”. A big theme in our lunch conversation.

As long as he still wants to take the time to go over my entire case and seek for a solution, that can’t be assumed, I believe.

If that’s how he feels, then he could have also e-mailed my mother to tell her that both her and I should stop messaging him and that we should both leave him alone for all eternity, instead of meeting to talk in person et cetera. Of course, it’s something I do keep in the back of my head, because as long as he hasn’t confirmed either pro or contra, anything is possible.

Pro – only I – is basically “my family (mainly my mother and her husband, in this case) are not open to this supernatural ability and will get us in trouble with police and psychiatry again, if he confirms it, which is why he doesn’t”.

Look at all that has happened to me, when I (was obliged by them to) out(ed) my sense perceptions. He is an adult with a serious career and a family, so he really can’t even risk to undergo the same shit.

My mother et alia claim that they will be fully open, tolerant, et cetera, when he possibly outs that he can hear me reason and always knows my true feelings and whereabouts. But I really wonder if they would still claim the same thing, if they find out that the ability goes as far as that he can feel it, too, when I touch myself. (Not that I’d ever encourage him to share that, but still…) I really doubt that they would say “Sure, go ahead and make a world trip with him,” – which is something they do not even expect the slightest bit in the first place – if they hear both of us claim that our souls are literally intertwined, instead of just me claiming that all by myself (for the past two years). Then why on earth portray him as a kidnapper in the first place…

I believe that his distance is strategic self-defense. That he might be waiting until I have – like I’ve always wanted, either with or without him – distanced myself from those who have damaged our reputation and might continue to do so, so that we can develop the rest of our endeavor in private.

But now that many people claim that I’m a schizophrenic, they feel the need to “care for me”, lecture me on life (fucking annoying, because their (proletarian) “wisdom” is very fucking useless to me), keep me close to them and ask me for favors. It’s hard to get them out of my life, and my desire to distance myself from them is regarded as a symptom. It’s not a fucking symptom.

I just want to be seen as and treated like the person who I really am. It’s clear that I need to move to another country to get anywhere near accomplishing that. Or at least surround myself with people who can see that I’m not a schizophrenic, but very supernatural. If only I could be with my Graeynissis there ๐Ÿ™ .

So now they’ll talk on the phone like tomorrow or something? Meoow I just want to see him in person ๐Ÿ™ . Maybe even hug him, if I may… But the distance my mother keeps by wanting to discuss this over the phone – oh yes she told me that I can’t be given his phone number, with the risk of me sending him messages on there, but I haven’t read his message and I know she doesn’t want me to have him in my life anyway, so I’m not sure if it’s true, and hearing that was so painful that I really didn’t dare to look at the message, especially with my tachycardia and literal heartache – team contra has a great advantage.

Tonight my mother, father (??? I now don’t know if he’s my father or not. I don’t think so, especially because of the fact that I look quite mulatto, but they keep denying it), sister and I are going out for dinner. They should just invite my B to come along x_x. Instead of mailing to arrange a phone conversation to arrange a meeting in person.

Aah meow I feel so alone x_x. I’m going to continue writing xxx


23:16 (11:16 PM)

Meoww dinner was tasty. In my favorite restaurant in Rotterdam: Langoest ๐Ÿ™‚ . I try something new every time I go there and love it every time.

1/2 lobster


5 cheeses ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to continue writing a little and then head to beddd xxx


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Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]

21:24 (09:24 PM)

I hadn’t shared this in my diary yet, but the decisive moment that will either confirm my supernatural hearing, or confirm my schizophrenia, will take place tomorrow morning. Schizophrenia had been confirmed starting two years ago, but my side of the story and the story of my only witness, have not been included in that case. I might finally have a shot at clearing my name and be reunited with someone I love so dearly.

Actually, that moment would take place today, but my B his trains were delayed, so it has been postponed to tomorrow morning. This announcement was made at the end of the afternoon. I spent all that time in bed, being nervous. It’s about a phone call that will take place between my mother and Benoรฎt Crutzen.

In a way, I’m glad that it didn’t take place today, because she wasn’t even home when he’d call. I want to hear their conversation myself, instead of hearing a summary that might include a bias. I’d also be happy to hear his voice again. After so long ๐Ÿ™ .

I must say that I already feel like I could win this, because he’s willing to make time for me. After my parents falsely called the cops on both of us (something I’ll never be at peace with), conversations have been all about how he wants nothing to do with me. And look at the situation I’m in now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Yess it’s quite painful that he doesn’t reply to any of my messages, but maybe this is an even better way anyway. Since I could not do anything with him (talking, business, chilling, or something else) without the approval of my parents. I feel too old for this shitt, but meow these are the cards I can play.

My focus has been all over the place for the past few weeks, dealing with many forms of emotional pain. I’ve been working on my newest book – today as well – but I really don’t know if I’ll succeed in releasing it on the 30th. Especially because I also want to renew the D.O.C.I.S. International website to something with more images and a greater focus on the non-profit aspect of the business. And I want to have finished the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page. All to boost that one release…

These underrated self-guided projects are starting to tire me a lot, mentally. I need a team. But I won’t stop doing everything by myself, until I’ve found the right people to work with.

I’m going to continue to work on the new Nosce Te Ipsum release, until the conversation takes place, tomorrow morning… This might sound crazy, but that conversation will determine my future and my will to live. If my witness, my B, denies my abilities, I’ve been wrongly keeping my foot down for the past two years, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a schizophrenic who doesn’t agree with the diagnosis. If he confirms my abilities, I can clear my name and hopefully kickstart my real career.

It’s nerve wracking, but very much worth ittt. I hope to bring you positive news tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx


The featured image is made by Burst.

I chose this image, because it shows exactly how I wrapped myself up in bed today. The way I often do, when things get nerve wracking or emotionally painful.
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The Sound [Tuesday, March 26, 2019]

08:23 (AM)

Good morning! โ™ฅ

It’s like I can hear the sound of our “once a month” air alarm build up in the far distance. And today is not the first Monday of the month… If “it” would happen today, I wouldn’t mind. I would be happy with the cognitive challenge. To finally live under circumstances where most of my talents aren’t wasted. Even though things might become critical, I’d be happy to see a new side of life and for the balance of nature to restore.

I always wake up when I hear people get ready for work/school. And that currently very subtle sound, triggers my senses.

Meoww I’m going to continue working on my hypothesis xxx


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

“Reminiscing” & Writing [Monday, March 25, 2019]

14:15 (02:15 PM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

My long term goal is to put my concepts for the development of my non-profit publishing and charity business into a multifunctional non-profit multinational, into practice.

It’s not simple, to find funding for this concept. So I’m very glad that yesterday, when I was thinking of finding another way to prove my expertise, I came across the University of Antwerp, which seems to have a very simple admission process, which, for this curriculum, apparently closed on the 14th of March. I hope I can still get in…

In that way, I can prove my expertise, claim a better salary and, once I have obtained at least 60 credits – haha yes I don’t have yet x_x – I could enroll in the program for student-entrepreneurs. It would solve my problem of having become far too attached to my bed.

In the period in which I wasn’t posting diary posts, I’ve gone to a couple of Meetup (that social media app) events. One about sustainable finance, another “shut up and write”, one about financial independence and one about public speaking.

Oh, and I have also worked as a street enquรชteur for one day, when I was not diary posting. Approaching people who work in the business park of Schiphol Airport, from 7 AM until 10 AM, asking them if they make use of the “free sharing bike”, of which the funding might be cut. (Including two hours of travelling with metro and bus, to where I stayed in Amsterdam. It was for less than โ‚ฌ30 in total, and I still haven’t claimed it yet. (I just thought of it, and was texted the “claim your income through our online portal” instructions later.)) I have pictures and videos of me doing that. There must be pictures and videos of me at those events as well, but I’m not on Facebook anymore.

I had to get up at 5 AM for this. I was tired while filming this… Oh meoww my phone can’t handle uploading the videos, so I’ll try to upload them via my computer ๐Ÿ™‚ . For that, I’ll have to abandon my sweet bed. Also because I’m hungry and I want to continue writing. There’s quite a lot on my list, for the release of The Hypothesis, still…

Here’s a picture:

Bed petje doing “semi-“field work. This was on the 27th of February.

It was fun, but I felt like it was too far below the complexity of labor I can handle. That’s why the job hunt – even though I would rather work on the Project Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign – is going so very slow.

Meowws my mother will send my B another message soon – still too random that this now goes via her – so I still have a bit of hope for even better options than studying in Antwerp full-time or submitting myself to the work week of 40 hours for another boss ( = not me) again, until I find another suitable (and affordable) university.

I’m going to leave my bed and work on my most recent book xxx


18:59 (06:59 PM)

Meowww ๐Ÿ™

I have to work on my release, to keep up my non-marketed publishing schedule of publishing something on the 30th of every month. But I’m so tired and there’s so much work to do, still. I’m talking unfinished chapters ๐Ÿ™ . And making the cover et cetera. To release something I could be seriously proud of, I need more time (and a budget higher than โ‚ฌ0). Aah meow and this heartache x_x.

I’m going to bed pet ๐Ÿ™ .

I made a picture earlier, of myself in pet mode:

I don’t think I’ll upload that video today ๐Ÿ™ .

Sad petje will go to bed now, and continue to write later xxx


Drafts, Popular Posts, Recipes

A Semi-Simple Three Course Meal Improv

By following this recipe, you’ll end up with soup, a main dish and a dessert, you could feed your family with, for more than one day.

These are the basic ingredients I’m using

I always season and measure my ingredients intuitively. It’s great for developing your own taste. You should do the same ๐Ÿ™‚ .

For the soup, you’ll need:

  • Asparagus
  • Parsnip
  • Vegetable stock block
  • Dairy butter
  • Flour
  • Parsley
  • Cooking cream

For the main dish [mashed potatoes, breaded shrimp and vegetables], you’ll need:

  • Potatoes
  • Spinach
  • Red coal with apples
  • Shrimps
  • Dairy butter
  • Cinnamon
  • Ketjap
  • Five spices
  • Cayenne pepper
  • Cooking cream
  • Breadcrumb
  • One or two eggs
  • Flour

For the dessert, you’ll need:

  • Your favorite ice cream
  • Raspberries

I’m making this by myself and make the main course and starter simultaneously.

My shrimps are frozen, so I’ll transfer them to a bowl, to let them defrost naturally, while soaking up some flavors. That’s why ketjap, five spices and cayenne pepper are added to the bowl of defrosting shrimp.

Unfortunately, we were out of ketjap, so I’m currently using soy sauce, and ketjap will be added later. (I recommend ketjap, because it has a less salty taste.)

Our next step is peeling and chopping the parsnip and asparagus.

Now that that is done, I’m adding them to a “soup” pan with just enough hot water to have all of our parsnip and asparagus be submerged into it. Add a pinch of salt to this, and let it boil until the asparagus as well as the parsnip are soft.

Put the lid on this, to speed up our process

As they boil, also boil the potatoes.

Melt some butter in another pan and add the spinach and read coal with apples to that, with some cinnamon, on a low heat.

When the asparagus and parsnips are soft, drain them and keep its moisture for the soup

Melt some butter and later stir a few spoons of flour through it.


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cooking & Strategizing [Sunday, March 24, 2019]

16:58 (04:58 PM)

My love โ™ฅ

An impulsive Google Search session earlier today, has inspired me to follow a new and more effective strategy to achieve my goals.

I will tell you all about it, but first I’ll be taking care of dinner, because my writing makes me very hungry.

So I’ll be making this three course meal, as I wait for my relatives to come home. I’m going to make an improvisation of mashed potatoes, a combination of spinach and read coal with apples, “Caribbean shrimp” and parsnip-asparagus soup. And I bought ice cream for dessert ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Ingredients semi-simple three course meal

The basic ingredients

I’ll make a seperate article for the dish. I’ll be back here, when I’m done cooking xxx


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Shifting [Saturday, March 23, 2019]

21:47 (09:47 PM)

Good evening โ™ฅ

I hope you’re having a great weekend. Mine is… Turbulent…

Since yesterday, I moved back in with my parents. It was a very tough decision to make, due to all that has happened in the past, of which I do not want to see ANOTHER rerun. But aside from the heated argument between my father and I – the disagreements are the reason why I prefer to move out as soon as possible – in this restaurant where we had lunch yesterday, things are relatively peaceful.

Most of our disagreements are about the situation with my B, and the career path I live after. I hope that – since my mother and he have been speaking of discussing my case – there will be clarity soon.

Aside from the random turbulence in my life, I’m swamped with the deadline of the new Nosce Te Ipsum episode, which I’m going to continue working on xxxxxxx


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Wtfยฟ [Thursday, March 21, 2019]

01:17 (AM) 

This is a very interesting feature of Rotterdam: 

And at my parents (“and my”) house it’s -4,5

The interesting center of Rotterdam… 🤔

According to the nearest surrounding points of flood height (and thus depth of land) it seems to be where the flood starts, if here nothing happens at all. 

Meoww I’m going to eat some soup, watch some more elections tv and go to sleepp

Love youu



15:24 (03:24 PM) 

Jeeeeeez today is a heavily turbulent day. Weeks ago, I planned to be fully focused on writing today. But it seems like I’ll have to pick up my belongings in Amsterdam. Because the “if you sleep in Amsterdam, Jamiro will not sleep at home” rule stays active. And I don’t want to be a homewrecker. 

So right now, I’m in the metro, on my way to pick up my mother’s car, so that I can drive to Amsterdam and empty my room there, and then move that stuff to the house of my parents. And then I’m going back to my grandma’s house. Staying at my parents’ home is not an option to me. 


22:43 (10:43 PM) 

Emptying my room in Amsterdam took quite some time. The grandchildren of the home owners helped me a little. I also helped Genesis a little with “mathematics”. I’m going to miss them ๐Ÿ™ . 

The left page we did together, the right page is for her self-practice.

After I put all of my stuff in the car, we quickly “talked everything through”. Because I hadn’t spoken to Jamiro ever since this abnormal situation (I mean the “not staying at home rule”) emerged. His father, the home owner of the home we have all lived in, was present at the conversation of 5 minutes as well. 

Jamiro told me something I already knew, which is that most people don’t find it normal to lay in each other’s bed. When I did this to him, I did not yet know that he does not find this normal, I told him. 

Then his father said that what I did was way worse, because I dropped sexual hints. I wanted to say that it is none of his motherfucking business what I have said. But I don’t rage at people when they have paid for things for me, it’s not my home and I’m still able to find my happy place. 

Using himself as an example “If I say something sexual to you, what would you think of that,” type of stuff. I consider that very incomparable, but whatever. I don’t care about gender and age. It’s all equal to me. I kept it short. The situation was ruined since that stupid rule. I let him finish his speech, gave him my pros and cons and left. Not long afterwards returned to hand in my key (I forgot). Then left again. 

I dropped my many belongings off in my bedroom at my parents’ house. Then my mother asked me what my plan is now that I am not staying in Amsterdam anymore. I told her “Find a job or something, continue my search for an investor, whatever,” I have a fucking book I want to publish. Then she said that the success of those things are not guaranteed, and that I should just move back in with them. I told her that I don’t want to – which is nothing new – and then I left. 

This feels worse than my first heartbreak. To have this one action draw a wedge between me and someone I love and cherish so much. I don’t give a fuck about the rest. But my Jam catje ๐Ÿ™ . I feel like crying so bad. But I can only cry when I’m fully by myself, or when I have a shoulder to cry on. I have no fucking shoulder to cry on. Most of my friends and relatives are the reason why I want to cry anyway. I thought my catje was an exception. In my mind, he still is an exception ๐Ÿ™ . 

I hope I can find my focus to write tomorrow. And that my heartbreak will be over very soon. And that I’ll somehow find my own place to live even sooner, because these tears are very hard to hold back.

I’m going to lay down

Good night โ™ฅ

xxx – 

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Voting & Writing [Wednesday, March 20, 2019]

13:05 (01:05 PM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

My original plan was to write, vote, smoke some (I quit from December 9th until the day before I reopened my diary), write, eat and sleep. But my mother has asked me to join her for lunch like 30 minutes ago, and I can’t say no to good quality foods. Especially not when I’m hungry… 

It’s a lot harder for me to get out of bed, now that I feel my time to write vanish into thin air, and the load of shitty conversation that’s ahead of me. 

But I have to get out of bed, to be ready in time (which is tough, since it’s at least 20 minutes to travel there, I still need to shower and I said that I could make 13:30). I wasn’t done laking yet, so I couldn’t get up before this. And I had to share my shitty feeling with you. Who else can I share it with ๐Ÿ™ . I’m going to take a shower xxx


14:47 (02:47 PM) 

I’m very near the metro stop near my parents’ house now. Actually, it’s “my house”, too. But in a house in which I would have a real voice, I wouldn’t allow any snakes inside ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

So I’m going to vote, eat the food I took with me, smoke some while my parents are at their therapist in Amsterdam, and then head back to my grandma’s place and hope that Jamiro hits me up… 


15:10 (03:10 PM) 

I just voted haha… 

For the water authorities

Indirectly for “the First Chamber”


It was very calm at the voting bureau. I was expecting to stand in line, but I didn’t have to. 

What my policy would be? This. And my voters would/will be my beneficiaries.


16:00 (04:00 PM) 

I’m going to play some piano and then continue writing for The Hypothesis. 

I hope you’re having a great day ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx


16:15 (04:15 PM) 

Online stemmen tellenยฟ


20:00 (08:00 PM)

My parents will bring takeout dinner along for me, to “our” home. It has been quite a while since I laid in my own bed, by myself. December 30th was the last day I slept in my own bedยฟ 

I couldn’t help but take a little nap… 


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The Hypothesis [Tuesday, March 19, 2019]

12:17 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Meoww I hoped that I would have found investors by the time the final episode of the first book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series will be released. But low budget Fangs is still getting at it… 

The last episode is what I still want to use for the overall campaign for raising awareness on D.O.C.I.S. International as a whole. So I’ll just finish that and continue my search for investors. Now, my focus has shifted, though. The weeks before this, I was working on my Overture and correspondence with the case manager who helps me find an investor. Who I should contact. But first, I’ll finish the last episode. 

There’s quite a lot I need to type out, still. Marketing is another thing I should make a new strategy for – especially now that I’m still investorless at this point – but that’s for later. Maybe this marketing catje wants to help me out… ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Anywayy, I’m going to get out of bed, shower, eat and write for the rest of the day. I’ll leave another message for you later today xxx. 


16:29 (04:29 PM) 

Tomorrow is a day to vote. It has been quite a while since I’ve voted. De Provinviale Staten en Waterschapsverkiezingen. I’m going to vote “Blanco”. By declaring my vote invalid. There are a ton of names on that voting paper. Parties like “D66, GroenLinks, FvD, PVV, VVD,” et cetera. Then you choose the “lijsttrekker”ยฟ [that’s a name]  And then I will write: “Der Fangs Partij, Dominique Daniรซlle Elia [or Crutzenยฟ], This vote is now declared invalid, because this name is not on the list. By that, this is called invalid.”

And then I go “home” or something? 


19:04 (07:04 PM) 

A different way to write “my party name” is PvdF. Daarom is het “Der Fangs Partij” (genitivus) and niet “Die” (nominativus/accusativus).


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Meow x_x [Monday, March 18, 2019]

12:43 (PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I’m in a “vervoer op maat” (transport for those who can’t travel themselves due to physical circumstances) van, on my way to my parents’ place, together with my grandmother. 

She’s able to travel by herself, but she has this “vervoer op maat” members pass that expires when she doesn’t use it. It’s one of her first times using this. It’s my very first time in a van like this. Secretly hoping that it will never become a habit for any of us. 

She had plans of going shopping with my mother. So I guess I’m joining them, now that I’m not living in Amsterdam anymore all of a sudden. I have my book release to work on, though. Why does bullshit always come up, when I have a fucking deadline x_x. 


14:02 (02:02 PM) 

Meoww heartache and confusion have increased ๐Ÿ™ . 

It’s like good news that my B has replied to my mother’s e-mail. But it hurts that he does reply to her and doesn’t reply to me. They have been speaking of scheduling a meet-up with him and my parents, is what my mother told me in the car just now. 

I want to see my B ๐Ÿ™ . I’d be jealous of my parents, if they see him before I do. But I would settle for it. It feels really confusing, though, to have been attempting to continue seeing him for two years, and have been trying to arrange it by myself for so long. Then my mother sends one e-mail on my behalf (while I’ve been mailing him as well), and he responds in the same evening. It’s heartache meets confusion. 

And this Jam catje doesn’t want me to text him ๐Ÿ™ . That’s another piece of heartache. I hope we can still become Cuddles ๐Ÿ™ . 

My mother and my grandmother are in the H&M, shopping for trousers for my grandmother. I don’t have any money and I’m tired, so I’m sitting on that bench where men sit when their wife is taking way tooo fucking long in the same store. 

I just want to lay in bed ๐Ÿ™ . Ohh and eat someee… Meow x_x. 


21:52 (09:52 PM) 

I just entered “my” bed meoww. I’m happy to lie down. I’m sleeping in my grandmother’s bed. I sleep where my grandfather used to sleep. So many of his belongings are still in this house, as if he can still come home at any moment. 

After my grandmother’s shopping, today, I drove my grandmother and I to my mother’s/parents’ house. My mother had an interviewee to judge, for the department she works at. 

I cooked dinner for the family and drank some wine. While sitting at the dinner table, my mother showed me the e-mails. She didn’t want to forward it to me, she said. But I’m so happy that my B wants to meet up and discuss my case. And that her self-typed response to the response makes it overly clear that the initial e-mail was written by me. She told him that “my father” and she will clear their agendas to discuss my case with him. Haha… Not long after that conversation, we left. 

I hope I’m allowed to join the party. I really hope that conversation won’t take place without me. And I hope that it will take place very soon. My agenda is semi-cleared, haha. Tomorrow, I’ll be working on my book release, mostly. (Unless “my parents” are going to meet up with my B and I’m allowed to join the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

And now I’m going to sleeeep

Nighty โ™ฅ


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Gasppp [Sunday, March 17, 2019]

12:56 (PM) 

Heey โ™ฅ

Meoww I’m still in bed (as usual x_x). I kind of don’t want to ever leave it again. Especially after last night’s: “We need to speak to you tomorrow.” It’s what the woman whose house I’m currently living in, told me last night, before I went to sleep. 

To explain my relationship with her again: she’s the wife of mr. Elia’s (who is “my father”) ex-colleague. They became friends before I was born. That’s why I’ve always considered the children of those family friends, are my cousins. 

But when I secretly went to a coffeeshop to smoke some weed, instead of going to the cinema, I suddenly realized that the love I have for the cousins I have via family friends – thus cousin is actually not the right title we’ve been taught, “as a family” – runs sooo much deeper than any regular family or friend relationship I have. 

I really can’t live without them. Such a great part of my identity, is intertwined with theirs. We have literally and figuratively seen each other grow. In a way we don’t know other people (who have this type of “family”).

When I, in the restaurant, last Friday, looking at the baby daughter of the family friends’ daughter, caught myself with a very random thought, I felt like going crazy. The thought popped up exactly when my eyes drifted off from the little daughter to the son of the family friends. Jamiro, who lives on the top floor of the house I’m currently bed petting in, is he, who once told me that after seeing his baby cousin, he would like to have a child as well. 

I thought: What would our child look like? And then my corrective self thought: He is my male cousin. So I should never think of him like that! But in actuality, we are not from the same family. I’m black and he’s asian… Fucking Surinam. 

And he is fully embedded into my life, he knows so much about me, and I can’t live without him, and so on… Is it wrong, or is it absolutely perfect? 

I guess I’ve been living in denial for quite some time. In the physical realm, then, since he’s already all over my former diary posts… This changed, when I decided to text him when I was “at the cinema”, followed by the day ever. I’ve used the longest build-up ever and included crazy many “insiders only” side-topics. 

I regret doing this all via text, but simultaneously, I don’t. Because it’s the only fully private conversation we can have in this houe… 

Ah, I have been asked to take a shower, to take part in the conversation. I really hope Jamiro will join in ๐Ÿ˜€ . 


16:56 (04:56 PM) 

My heart is torn into a zillion pieces ๐Ÿ™ . I’ve now packed my bags in such a way that I’ll last for about a week. 

The, “We need to speak to you tomorrow,” was about me laying in Jamiro’s bed on Thursday night. Apparently it shocked him so much that he now does not want to be at home anymore, is what his parents told me. 

So I immediately packed my bags and left, and texted him that he can sleep at home tonight, and did I wouldn’t have done what I did, if I knew that it would have this impact ๐Ÿ™ . 

Waiting for the train

In the train

I thought my days of wandering were over. I’m quite pissed at Jamiro’s parents for giving me such an enormous feeling of guilt. 

They were all like: “You made a mistake laying in “your cousin/brother”‘s bed. What the hell were you thinking?” I told them that I didn’t know that it’s not normal to them. Sleeping next to each other and nudity in general (since I’m actually a nudist (or pantyist, to be exact)), are topics I can easily talk about. I wouldn’t find it weird if he would lay in my bed. In fact, he comes off like someone who would not mind a good genuine non-sexual cuddle before going to sleep. But according to his parents, that observation of mine is incorrect. 

I recorded the entire conversation. I’m so used to fucking snake moves, that I’m now always prepared. I’ve never been so afraid of losing someone. I want to cry ๐Ÿ™ . 

But I won’t! I’m going to drop off my things at my grandmother’s house – since that is where I’ll be staying for the time being – and then head over to Dobro’s place to cook, write and work on an assignment with him. 

Oh my god and yesterday “my father” told me that my other grandmother had a fit of dementia that made her feel so confused, that she went to the police station herself. That is strange on so many levels. The strangest is that he still doesn’t insist that she goes into an old folks home. 


23:15 (11:15 PM) 

I’m in the metro, on my way back to my grandmother’s place. Chilling was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ . I think I whipped my best mac & cheese this far. It included a courgette and salmon ๐Ÿ˜€ . I forgot to take a picture x_x. 

Andd it was nice to be able to make quite a lot of sense of the assignment he had to make. He’s a third year economics student, so I’m very glad that I can keep up with his level of education ๐Ÿ™‚ . We had to pose a research question for 5 research papers each. 

This is what I came up with. (Haha nu pas spot ik die dubbele “to” x_x.)

My overall conclusion is that the financial system should be replaced as soon as possible. Especially the last question I pose, very indirectly insinuates that same idea of mine hehe… 


23:55 (11:55 PM) 

I’m watching late night television with my grandmother. I did not expect to be here this night… I thought that I had found the place where the roof above my head is guaranteed with 100%. 

I have lost my orientation of the future, when it comes to having a roof above my head. All I know is that I have a book to publish on the 30th. Oh, and that my mother has sent “dr. Crutzen” an edited version of the mail I typed for her. And that I still need to hear from 2 potential investors?

Who knows what the future holds… Meoww if I’ll find funding for D.O.C.I.S. International, it will be us for sure ๐Ÿ™‚ . Other than that, I’m a sad petje now that I risk losing this Cuddle of mine ๐Ÿ™ . 

I’m off to bed. 

Good night 

I love you ♥


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Untitled [Saturday, March 16, 2019]

13:26 (01:26 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I just came here to start this post. I’m going to make some homework assignments for Genesis. As in: I’m going to make a couple of homework exercises to help her, the steph-grandchild of the people in whose house I live, go to the next grade with full certainty. 

After the shower is free, so that I don’t have to interrupt myself while I’m busy for her, when go to this birthday party of a family friend. 

Having feelings for family friends is a very trippy topic of conversation, by the way. I feel like such a sad petje right now ๐Ÿ™ . 


20:31 (08:31 PM) 

Currently, I’m at a birthday party. I had the most interesting conversation with my family friends Tyrone and Keanu, before we left their house, to come to decorate the party location their mother is celebrating her birthday at. Where I am right now, too. 

He told me that the dyke near their house will be raised two meters, that he once saw how there was only a very tiny difference between the height of the water and the tip of the dyke, and that once they had to evacuate due to the high water level. Those are such worrisome topics for teenagers ๐Ÿ™ . 

I seriously plead for more drastic water-safety protocols. Man I really want some governmental power ๐Ÿ™ .

There’s also this tiny harbor and freight storing location in front of their dyke house. Our parents are all really close and stuff.

I haven’t seen them in so long. The last time I saw them, they were veryyy busy with house renovations. That was years ago. But they’re still going steady with it. 

I took this picture in their bathroom

Did you know that I was named after their mother? Her name is Dominique. We’re now celebrating her birthday. Isn’t that hilarious? “Dominique is celebrating her “aunt” Dominique’s birthday” haha… “My aunt” who’s not my blood relative. 

Especially because of the “pallets storing” harbor-ish location in front of their house and the alarm system in my parents’ house, with the tons of fuuucking expensive computers and stuff, I really wonder… Why exactly are they teaching us that we’re family, while they call each other friends?