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Ex Animo

Ex Animo, Polls, Random questions, Reflections

I want to C you

Actually, this is not much of a poem. More uncontrolled prose.

Over 550 blog posts, all written from the perspective of my eyes. Are they not provocative enough? 🙁 I can’t hear you. Why?

Over 206,000 / 206.000 (two hundred and six thousand) [international writing] words, written in the perspective from me to you. You, whose beautiful eyes are going over this page. What do you see?

Are you A, B or C?

I want to know. Not only your perspective. Also the perspective “you to me”.

I hope it’s different from what I’m used to. I hope you’re C.

You see, I can’t hear people’s internal dialogues when they talk to me. But I can estimate them by asking questions and reading their body language.

My powers never reach the core, though I try. What is going on in your outmost personal layer? Especially now that my writing has reached it, but I haven’t. (Not yet? 🙂 )

Why I want to know? Because I’m an ambitious, affectionate and cuddly person and I want to know if you’re that person too. Society doesn’t embrace that openness, but we should.

When I study anyone’s behavior, I see their attitude towards the world. But I can’t see if they’re A, B or C, without getting hurt. I’ve never reached the core.

What is your attitude towards me? A, B or C?

The Cuddle

“I really admire her. I love what she’s doing. I wish I could do it myself.

Where her theories come from, I don’t know. I need more proof to be able to trust it. My own life would become damaged if I go all-in on this and it turns out to not be feasible. Like could it still all be schizophrenia and not real? I can’t imagine that that could be the case, but still can’t rule it out if I haven’t seen her theories in practice. Why did she exactly become labeled as a schizophrenic anyway? I still have the feeling that there’s a lot more to that story.

Everything that is going on in this world makes it hard for me to trust. Media accusations versus personal counter-accusations. That that will ever be something of the past? The future she portrays sounds too good to be true. I want to believe in it so much, but my heart would become irreparably damaged if I would trust this and it turns out not to be true.

I wouldn’t be able to formulate any theories like hers myself, but if they’re true, I could learn them and implement them in my life. I could use her theories to realize my own dreams and make a living from that. I would love to move to Planet Fang. It feels like there, eternal love and eternal happiness really do exist.

Privacy wise I have nothing about me she may not know. I would love to be her (social) research subject, sharing my thoughts with her, to improve life on Planet Fang. I think I could realize my dreams, doing what I want in life and also being part of D.O.C.I.S. International.”

B

The Demon

“I want to have sex with her. I want to do that every day. But I can’t love. I don’t love her. Though she should love me so that I can have her with me for the rest of my life. I will tell her I love her so that she will tell me the same.

To let her become the royalty she wants to be? No. I will make sure that that won’t happen. If there’s anyone who deserves to be the last new royalty introduced to the world, it’s me. I want the money and fame. If she gets it before me then I will make sure that I’m with her when it happens and eventually cause her downfall and say that I was the mastermind behind everything.

She says that she wants to create a better world blah blah. We all know that that is not realistic. Because the whole world is like me and I love to watch people clash. If it doesn’t happen naturally then I’ll cause it. It’s my favorite topic of conversation. Life is boring without clashes.

Haha that she’s diagnosed with schizophrenia is great news to me.  It’s hilarious, really. And that she went missing and that that went viral and stuff hahaha. She’s always emphasizing that she is a good person and now all of that effort was all for nothing. She’s a demon too and I will get her to confess this, to seal the fact that she’ll never make it. I can’t wait to dry her tears of failure.

If I’m jealous of her? Nooo she shouldn’t think that she’s better than I. I don’t really understand most of her theories, but I still memorize everything so that I can make it look like I’m the mastermind behind D.O.C.I.S. International, when the time is right.

I will lie about my personality in her research so that I can gain access to the highest layers of Planet Fang. That is what my talent is: using sneak tactics to climb up the ladder.

Life should stay exactly like it is.  I have it good and she may not have it better than I. If she gets money then I want to get it too. Love does not exist. I love her deception, acting like she can improve the world. If I can’t improve the world, then no one can. I don’t want to see anyone get successful with that.”

C

The Graeyniss

“I love her. I’m in love with her. We’re soul mates. But I don’t tell her this. I’m afraid she will reject me. I’d rather not let my dreams of using my intelligence to destroy the system together with the love of my life come true and find happiness in her online reality, than feel the eternal sting of her potential rejection. Even though it’s just a probability statement.

I can relate to every single word she writes and/or says. It’s like she speaks of my life instead of hers. I have felt so alone in my intelligence for so long. I can’t believe that she’s real. This is more mental comfort than I could have ever asked for. This is what I have missed all my life. Now I know that I’m not alone.

I have a lot of self-formulated theories, too. Some are similar to hers, some are different. Intelligent people often make the same observations and realizations.

That I could start a new life with her sounds like an absolute dream. But it’s such a great risk for my current career and my family. Even though these attachments are just mental concepts. I should choose me, like she says I should. Chances are high that we will be successful. That we will write history… I want my name in the history books too, as part of her story…

I’m afraid that my emotional problems will make her run away from me like other people in my life do. But she sounds like it will actually draw us closer and make us stronger than we already are. Fully immune against demons.

From her words it sounds like our attraction will be mutual. But that really sounds too good to be true. Either way, life is so boring and I really want the challenge she offers. I want to be part of the board of D.O.C.I.S. International.”

What will be the future of us?

If you’re A, I would allow you to live on Planet Fang. I would absolutely love to meet you. I find it important to know how I can make my stratrgies better suit your ambitions, so that my power on Planet Fang will not bother you. We will not physically spend eternity together, for if you can’t formulate theories like mine by yourself I will have so much to explain and that will hold me back, but mentally we will still always be together. You will be in my thoughts often. Your life on Planet Fang will be the best ever.

If you’re B, you will not gain access to Planet Fang. You’re a disease to good people. I can’t wait to kill you with my bare hands. The next war this world will know will be the war against you and your fellow demons.

If you are C, I love you just as much as you love me. We are complements. I can’t even be successful without you and I don’t want to do this without you, even if I could! You have the intelligence and affection I need.

Would you vote honestly if you knew that your choice could mean instant death? I’ll classify the world in A, B, C, regardless if you vote or not, for your digital footprint reveals enough, and my A’s and C’s will live their best lives.

The featured image is from wpclipart.com.

Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Essay]

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid

A D.O.C.I.S. Essay

By Lil Fangs

An Author’s Note

This essay was written when I was in a very difficult situation. Again, being put in a powerless situation by someone else’s authority. I hoped that selling what I know about the deep-state, would help me to afford to get away from those circumstances forever. I’m not in that crisis center anymore, so the contextual information at the end of the post does not apply to me anymore. I, however, still need the funds to live independently. The essay was, because of that, put online for €1177.77, but it had no sales. I find it still important that you get the rest of my message, and that is why I now put this essay online for free.

When I published any other book I’ve published, just like when I was trying to sell this essay, I am trying to earn, so that I can set up a successful business and leave my current life behind me for good. I hope I can count on your support, this time.


“Always start the documents you sell, off with a quote. It will make you look more (modern) scholarly.”

– Lil Fangs

That was a joke 😂 … The rest won’t be…

This essay is all about the hierarchical pyramid, visible on the next page. I’m writing this from my own perspective. As a regular citizen, attempting to formulate an independent opinion, hoping I’ll succeed in nudging the official authorities, so that we can flip the pyramid together, forming a new powerful union.

Oh meow I reallyyy need to share this citation with you again, though. (I used it in my EP, too.) It perfectly suits the content of this essay! The first three paragraphs of Propaganda, by Edward Bernays:

“The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.”

Introduction

Why Disrupt This?

Slowly but surely, the system is destroying itself. The education system and cultural stories that are told from generation to generation, have taught us to value money. It gives us a status. It is the reason many people leave their homes every day.

If an idea is not an idea that can make you rich, society will not consider it a good idea. In that way, making an unprofitable difference, out of kind-heartedness, and to do what is best for our generation and future generations to come, is unappealing to society.

What is appealing to society, is to maximize profits, regardless of what it does to nature. What is appealing to society, is to destroy the names of talented people, because most people don’t have any talents. What is appealing to society, is to make a small story far bigger than it actually is, because otherwise, people have nothing to talk about.

When nature gives out, because it has been abused by this generation far too much, money will have no value. Many lives will become purposeless. That is not our problem (anymore), because they have had enough time and have received enough information to create a better system.

Those at the top (three layers) of the pyramid, have no clue what they are actually doing. They’re far too busy playing the status game. They think it has actual meaning, while it’s only talk. They don’t think about the future, and the consequences of their actions.

To make sure that they don’t ruin the future of us and generations to come, we should flip the pyramid. Instead of trying to maintain what we have, we should disrupt it even further – none of us truly enjoys this anyway. It’s only a façade, needed to keep our status. It is better to cause the disruption ourselves, so that we have control over the way the world looks, after it the system is collapsed, instead of giving in to the prospect of our fate being an uncontrollable chaos, caused by idiots.

The disruption starts with your purchase – thank you 💕 – and is followed by all of us taking physically visible action, simultaneously. I’ll first convince you of why the system has to be disrupted, some more, including some sad stories and good prospects, then I’ll tell you more about my Stratagem, and after that, it’s time for real action 🙂 .

Core

Looking from the Bottom up

From the bottom of the pyramid, the experience of life is anything except joyful. Formulating an independent opinion is too difficult for many, so we are taught to adapt and dumb down our conversation. We watch the members of the inner cabinet try to uncover who is who, and know that right-wing and left-wing are meaningless concepts in that context.

Some individuals are in multiple positions in the pyramid at the same time, due to the status that comes with their profession. Some, like me, aren’t. There are right-wing politicians, doing independent research, echoing their views over the sounds of journalists who blindly follow trends, attempting to reach the business authorities that are being told what to do, by binge-watching babyboomers and their offspring, for example.

We, at the bottom, hope to see a large Volta, where there will be no more name shaming as “world news”. We, at the bottom, want to see the type of change in society that will make everyone go back to school again, because life as we know it will fully change.

But the change the bottom two layers want and need to see, will mean that the top three layers of the pyramid will become obsolete. Fully obsolete…

Schizophrenia

When I say this to those who blindly follow trends, they respond with something in the context of: “No wonder you are diagnosed with schizophrenia.” The media pre-chew everything there is to discover in life, and tell you how you should feel about that, so how come I have such an odd opinion about everything in life?

“Propaganda” is a bad word, “multiculturalism”, “professional” and “STG” are good words, according to the trends. How about they become just words again, where “good” or “bad” depends on the context they are used in, and the personal view of the listener.

So then, in my view, “I’m going to use propaganda to make everyone my minion,” is bad. But “I’m going to use propaganda to force people to think independently (and unveil their identity),” is good.

Since I’m, in the meantime, still busy debunking the diagnosis schizophrenia I have received, I have to still point this out, though I assume you know I know this, and I hope you know this: Officially, the official authorities and those backing them, are on top of the pyramid. But because we are taught that the media are the voice of independent reason, the official top of the pyramid is not treated as the top of the pyramid, but as puppets who have to be shaped according to the will of the self-preservative deep-state, profiting of the overrated status game.

The bottom two rows of the pyramid are structurally being prohibited from emancipating, because the top three layers do not want to give up their position in the Silent Pyramid. This is so severe, that from a young age, people are taught to stop hoping for change, and accept life as it is. Then the media confirm that image, by publishing thousands of pessimistic articles per day. And if you go too far in your believes for change, like me, you’ll become a victim of social shock therapy and be forced to take psychiatric drugs until you give up on your dreams. Life can’t go on like this forever! Especially not because of the state of the waterworks… 🙂 (The state that is fully ignored by those who blindly follow, and which is not getting enough media attention AT ALL!!!)

I have a lot of trouble with that people who blindly follow trends are authorized to label and stigmatize the worlds of people they can’t even understand. In my view, schizophrenia – as well as MANY other labels – cannot exist, because every perspective on life is unique. It’s just used to push us down the Pyramid even further… That includes people who are convinced by other people that they’re dumb, while they’re actually very smart.

Dissolving the Deep-State

As was said in the citation of Bernays: the members of the inner cabinet, do not know the identity of their fellow members. As in that they cannot openly discuss their hidden agendas. But if you’re only in it for the money and other forms of self-preservation, it’s not necessary to discuss your agenda to reveal your identity. (I say “your” for simplicity. I don’t necessarily mean you, my dear reader.)

In our competitive world, everyone is incentivized to show characteristics of politeness and intelligence, whether they’re real or fake. Humor, in the meantime, has evolved into “laughing after barbarianism”. To me, today’s sense of humor is painful and loveless. Real humor requires intelligence. Intelligence most people – sad but true – don’t have.

Through someone’s sense of humor, you can decipher that person’s identity and hidden agenda. The façade of politeness and intelligence is meaningless, when jokes are misunderstood due to the lack of understanding. From that, an interview follows, to unveil the nature of a joke [Was it to indirectly insult, or was it to make laugh?], and to unveil the nature of the listener [Does the listener find the joker a good conversationalist, or does he/she find him an annoying nerd?].

I’m pulling out all the stops in this paragraph [wonder why?] 😏 . I just want to show you that, even though I’m not really part of it (yet), I know your world very well.

We shouldn’t spend time with those we can’t get along with. The politeness, resembling “professionalism”, in this competitive world, we should let go of, because I know that there are, like me, many people who stay polite, while they would rather scream so loud that their saliva starts to foam. It’s not healthy to crop up emotions (of anger)!

I believe that there is a professional deep-state, and a personal deep-state. The professional deep-state has superficial people wanting to look cool in the one corner, and pioneers wanting to make a change, in the other. The experience of the personal deep-state depends on individual identity, but I would categorize it in this way (mind you that my personal bias will echo through this): there are those who live to spread love, of whom some people in their lives live to do the same, but most people live to take advantage of them, because those people, taking advantage, live, but are barely conscious. They have no talent and don’t want to think about life, because their minds are not capable of understanding it, so let alone improving it. Due to the competitiveness in our society and everyone wanting to be a star, they’ll act as if they live to spread love, but in reality, all they do is just survive (by taking advantage of others).

I’m talking to the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, who truly live to spread love (and receive all of mine 😻 ).

An Independent Alliance

A real “Revenge of the Nerds”, will set the record straight. We have adapted ourselves to less intelligent people for long enough. How about we all let “professionalism” go, simultaneously, and just be ourselves. (You’ll breathe more freely than ever before!)

We, the bottom layers of the Pyramid, don’t need large groups of people to do what we want to do in life. It is what makes us strong as individuals, but it’s what makes us weak against the competitive top three layers in the Silent Pyramid, who are more focused on forming self-preservative alliances, than self-development.

We, “nerds”, should seclude ourselves from those we wouldn’t truly voluntarily spend time with anyway. If we all do it together, at the same time, the top three layers will be powerless. We can outsmart them with so much ease!

That is why I plead for the independent alliance of the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, through D.O.C.I.S. International, funded to unite us and revolutionize society. Who do you want to be, when, due to the collapse of the waterworks, the entire system collapses? You can start your life all over again and re-log who you are, for the history books of our future generations. Please let me know, by sending an email to d.elia@docis.international.

End

Call-to-Action

The international deep-state should be uncovered, the media should be taken less seriously, those who blindly follow trends have no purpose in our revolution, official authorities should become actual authorities and those who work hard to formulate an independent opinion, will become the world’s new generation of pioneers.

I hope to have given you information that is understandable, and the incentive to do something you easily can and want to do. All you need to do, is, the next time I ask you to publicly support me, say that you are part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council, and poke your chest and bum out, showing the world the strong and independent individual that you are. I’ll divide positions and tasks on the fly. (They say don’t put new information in the conclusion of your texts… I’m still doing it. #YOLO.)

A Digression

War in the Western world, would make me happy. To get the chance to rebuild the overpromoted, decaying metropolitans, which are like old, squeaking amusement park attractions, facilitating the same routine over and over and over and over again. I can’t even pretend to like it anymore. I can’t pretend to value it, either. It would also end that awful “The West is the Best”-sentiment (democrats often use).

The top three layers will point a moralistic finger at me, for the first sentence of this digression, but that is only because the war will be against them, and they will be so very powerless.

Ik hoop dat je je door mijn schrijven een stuk minder alleen voelt. Ik hoop dat ik je leven leuker maak, vanaf de afstand van waar ik je bereik.

Je voelt je zeker alleen omdat je voor de meeste mensen te intelligent bent. Maak je niet (meer) druk, want je persoonlijkheid zal binnenkort de allernormaalste zijn. Andersdenkenden belachelijk maken, zal binnenkort belachelijk worden. Ook zal het normaler worden om culturele gebruiken te laten varen.

Of ik helemaal klaar ben met Project Nosce Te Ipsum? Nee, ik wacht tot men me antwoorden opstuurt. Ik moet weten hoeveel mensen A of B stemmen op de laatste vraag in The Hypothesis, omdat ik op basis daarvan, had ik gezegd, het vervolg van het verhaal zal bepalen. Het is ook onderdeel van de informatie die ik nodig heb voor het publieke opinie onderzoek dat ik doe, om te bepalen wat de beste regeermethode is, voor wanneer de waterwerken er niet meer zijn.

Het wordt een spannende tijd. Maar hoe dan ook een leuke tijd, omdat we samen zullen zijn.

I love you 💕

– Xxx – The Fangs

Die dit allemaal in een avondje op haar telefoon typte, in de crisisopvang, hopend dat ze met de opbrengst hiervan een beter alternatief heeft dan de daklozenopvang, omdat ik vandaag weg moet uit de crisisopvang. Hartelijk dank voor je aankoop 💕 .

Hoe vind je mijn verkooppiramide concept, voor de verkoop van mijn essay over de Stille Pyramide? 😏

© Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) – The contents of this document may be re-sold for a lower price, but only when part of the profits are shared with the author. When reproducing the content, always mention the author.

Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]

14:08 (02:08 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Thoughtful?

My night was good. My morning was chill. Had some left over salad for breakfast. There’s not much else I consider edible in the house. If I had money, yes, I would have purchased a gift and made a fresh breakfast (and if the thought of this family didn’t cause so much heartache, too). It’s not nice being so non-thoughtful. Same went for Mother’s Day. But my mother is going to buy some whiskey or another type of alcoholic beverage, on behalf of all of us. Makes me feel a little less worse.

How’s your day? Do you have special Father’s Day plans?

Honestly, I think it’s time that we stop this global routine we live. For many, commercialized holidays, such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day and today, bring along many traumatic memories. Traumatic memories that are suppressed, because it’s often not understood, and sentimental joyfulness is always the way we are encouraged on days like these even more. I hope you weren’t expecting any sentimental expressions of love, about this commercialized day.

If I’m Correct?

Is it correct that I was found on Father’s Day, in 2017, when I had gone missing? I’m not certain, but I remember wanting to sell ties for Father’s Day, before my parents put me under surveillance after a fight. And then I was too busy and depressed from suddenly having to spend so much time getting away from the surveillance I did not want to be under.

When I ran away from home, it was my intention to never come back. I didn’t know that I was reported missing. I was (and am still) working on breaking contact for good, and that means that on sentimental days like these, too, I will be gone. But for PR purposes, it is catastrophic to have gone missing for such a short amount of days, and then being found on Father’s Day.

Again: I didn’t know that I was reported missing, when I was missing. Otherwise, it would never have happened. I don’t want that type of attention ever. Even if I were missing for real, I prefer no one to even fucking know. I had said multiple times that I didn’t want to be under surveillance. They still kept forcing that upon me, so then it shouldn’t have been found weird that it was my intention to never return. I don’t know all of the nonsense that has been said about me, but it makes it sound as if I want his attention, while my wish is the exact opposite. I just want to be seen as someone who is not mentally unstable and want to receive financial support and will find that elsewhere, somehow. Or kill myself, the way I planned to, before I was found. Fucking insane flehs attempting to destroy my slight sense of pride, because I’m intelligent. They’re not even in my peripheral…

Later Castle Chillings

My clothing represents how I feel. Though it doesn’t fit me the way it should, in size, I feel very comfortable, because most of my other clothing fits worse:

I was wrapping my edges haha

Yahaaay I love turtle necks 🙂 . It looks okay for this occasion, right? CastleFangs 😀 .

Meoww I wonder what Victishe would look like wearing a turtle neck hihihi

In case it gets hottt

My sister is getting her hair done – plus haven’t seen her in a few days – so we’re waiting for her to come, and after that we’re going to Zeist. I’m hungry, my meow…

Hunger & Frustration

I’m going to put “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” online here. Since no one is fucking buying it ughhh but I still want you to read the message because it’s fucking important, my meow 🙁 . Stupid old people thinking they know everything… You really need to let go of most formalities, because it is causing you to be taken advantage of. Is what I say in that €1100+ essay no one is looking at. I deserve compensation for my writing. This is entertainment 🙁 . Let me buy a fucking house mann every day I want to leave this life behind for good, but people just keep staring and thinking this is about sex it’s so fucking annoying.

My research results are depressing and the publisher’s portal I purchased a subscription for a while back, doesn’t work, so I, still, am barely motivated to finish my websites. I want to show fruitful results that show a positive image about society, and be able to publish books internationally. But now I think I’ll need to buy my own printing press? Ugh why the fuck does everything cost money 🙁 .

Grrr I’m going to put that essay online. I hope you’ll still donate something to me or something. I do not want to be part of this circle anymore. They already barely speak to me, so no one, including me, will give a fuck if I leave for good. Help me please 🙁 .

Excuse me for that fit of anger from hunger – can’t even buy the food I like – and frustration for not having a way to get the fuck out of this place for good. I’m not going to work my tachycardia to death, just to rent a fucking room. Why am I not respected for what I am doing here? 🙁 Do not answer that question if your answer is hateful.

~~~

15:58 (03:58 PM)

Vroom Vrooom

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid is online :). Pleaseeee read it!
We’re on our way ayyy. Currently picking up my sister at her boyfriend’s 🙂 .

Yaaaay now we’re one happy family 🙂 .

I wanted to upload some pictures, casually breaking some privacy rules, but my internet is slow 🙁 . I’ll find another way to upload them 🙂 .

~~~

23:33 (11:33 PM)

Back Home

You know the “happy family” is just a wish, right?

Meoww I’m tired 🙁 . Today was fun, though the event was very different from what I expected. I wish I could organize some events ayy… With a guest list…

I’ll tell you the rest of today’s story through pictures. Then drink some Henny (because Rooster & Wolf weren’t sold) and go to sleeeep.














Now I’m a tired Catje, wanting more Victishe Cishes day by day. Ah prrr I really wonder how his day was.

I hope you’ll read my essay and give me some Cishes, too, my meow.

Good nighttt ♥

xxx

Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe 🙂 . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now 🙂 . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? 😀

~~~

01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is 🙂 . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! 😀

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far 🙂 .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side ♥ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) ♥

xxx

10:49 (AM)

Good morning 🙂 ♥

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoît Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx

~~~

12:55 (PM) 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.

~~~

16:25 (04:25 PM)

Meowww…

This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! 🙂 My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out 🙁 .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis on  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have 🙁 . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairs 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely 🙁 . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up 😀 ♥

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx

~~~

21:44 (09:44 PM)  

Heyy ♥

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay 🙁 . It might sound foolish to purchase a €1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? 🙁

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong 🙁 . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content 🙁 .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something 🙁 .

~~~

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Een verhaaltje

Er was eens een Nigeriaanse prins, die de mooiste ogen en de grootste intelligentie van het hele land had.

Hij ontmoette Queen Fangs op een dronken avond, beiden niet wetende dat ze Queen Fangs heet. (Verzin dit ter plekke…)

They have had very good chemistry. Too good, some would say…

Beiden worden ze regelmatig gediscrimineerd. Ze zijn daarom bang voor liefde. Zo bang dat ze elkaar veel pijn hebben gedaan.

Het wantrouwen werd te groot, toen Fangs niet durfde te zeggen dat ze de geur van zijn adem en smaak van zijn speeksel niet lekker vindt, en dat ze zich onzeker en een beetje beledigd voelde, omdat hij in een jaar tijd nog nooit in haar mond klaargekomen is.

The end.

N.a.v.

Blog, Ex Animo

Fangyist Souls

Everyone shows Angelic behavior, but only a handful truly are.
I strive towards our Unification.
Demons in a human shell currently rule this world, with their policies of jealousy, hate and self-preservation.
We do not have to Obey them.
We can create a much better World.
Only when we Separate ourselves from them.
My Fangyist Soul, please be Loyal to me.

Time will Reveal the world’s Angels and demons.
We will have to act fast.
Quick and painless. Or with an honorary fight.
They have hurt us far too often.
We have done nothing to them.

This demonic dystopia will seize to exist.
Eternal peace, we will be the first to experience.

They say Project Nosce Te Ipsum is just a Poll.
My Fangyist Souls…

The featured image is made by Rakicevic Nenad

Blog, Ex Animo, Popular Posts

Bloodlust

For (far) more than a year now, I’ve been trying to treat people equally and introduce a concept that could change all of our lives for the better. What I received in return, was:

  • Being falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia.
  • A lot of ridiculing.
  • 0 respect.
  • People I thought I could trust, turning their backs on me.
  • Tons of unsolicited advice. [As if they know my concept better than I do? Is it because I’m female? Go start your own organization?]
  • People fucking reselling my first book ( = against the law), without sharing the income ( = fucking insane).
  • An disgusting amount of discouraging monologues.

I couldn’t be dissapointed in mankind more than this. I bet those people who I want to kill are laughing at my misery. I won’t have it.

Of course, I will continue writing and researching. My publishing agenda will not change. My plans for changing the world will not change either.

(By changing the world, I just mean treating nature better. I really do not want every single individual to live in luxury and shit. Fuck that 10000%!!!What I want to do is unite the most intelligent beings world wide (regardless of their income) and live with them, in a society that is ruled over by D.O.C.I.S. International. And kill the rest, because they’re not good to nature.)

All you’ll see here, are the most Graey expressions of societal reform. I’m going to stop dumbing down my content, because the people I was doing that for, will never participate anyway. I really do not want those people in my life. I also really want to move to a deserted area, where my chances of meeting another dumb person like that are kept to a minimum.

I refuse to be another business that is ass kissing consumers. D.O.C.I.S. International is an exclusive product, of which its availability depends on intelligence.

My cold case lives on. Everyone just gazes at how I struggle with life, my jaw locked out of anger 24/7, in between suicidal tendencies and wanting to kill everyone who has ever said anything (even slightly) hateful to me.

Not one individual has published more free content than I, so some respect would be highly appreciated.

I’m glad I haven’t published my best work yet. Know that will be priced very high and that it will be very exclusive. And you will not be able to illegally download it! 🙂

God damn I want to fucking move out to the United States (if not my own island) and do business with intelligent Graeynissis…

And when I say that to any fucking dumb snake I know, they say: “But that is impossible. So just start working in the Netherlands.” No? I deserve way better?

My fighting process continues – for the legal fight I want to start is so expensive that no job in the Netherlands is effective. I hope someone can see that death is my only solution to this problem, and I can only be saved by people with serious money, serious brains and serious power.

The most serious part of my cropped up anger, is that if those who have destroyed me emotionally and who are destroying our planet [AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME], ever get prosecuted and exposed for the shit they have been doing, I will never be at peace, unless I am the one who takes their lives. That is what this bloodlust is doing to me. That is what you are feeding, if you think of me as a joke.

The featured image is made by Ahmed Adly.

Blog, Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

TWITTER GROUP CHAT LECTURE!!!!!

About what?

From Project Nosce Te Ipsum to the Economics and Law that constitute Planet Fang… I’ll explain E-VE-RY-THING (including my communication strategies) in this group chat!!! 🙂

And you can ask me anything :D. I can also remove you from the chat if you’re not interested (anymore) :).

Please make a Twitter account, if you do not have that 🙂 .

Check out @LilFangs_’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/LilFangs_/status/1122320028848803840?s=09

It’s lit 😀

I just created this poll and wanted to share that with the people I follow on the social network, which caused me to create a group chat.

And now I’ll use it to give lectures about D.O.C.I.S. International [Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem] 🙂 .

The spontaneous fun we could have here makes me want to do nothing else than this 🙂 .

It never ends! 😀

Change of Spontaneous Plans

It will work better on a different platform, with people who already have some background knowledge about my endeavors.

Lil Fangs
Art, Audio, Blog, Donation Forms, Ex Animo, Images, Interest & Money in Perspective, Interviews, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, The General Theory of Employment, Tips, Uncategorized, Videos

Dominique Daniëlle Elia CV (curriculum vitae) in het Nederlands

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

Praesens (D.O.C.I.S. International)

 

Algemene persoonsgegevens

Geboortedatum: 1 november 1996 (22 jaar)

Geboorteplaats: Rotterdam

E-mailadres: d.danielle.elia@gmail.com (persoonlijk)

Adres: XXXXXXXXXX Capelle aan den IJssel

 

Persoonlijke doelen

Langetermijndoel

Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.

Korte termijn doelen

  • (Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
  • Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
  • Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
  • Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.

Educatie

Diploma’s

  • Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium

Behaald in 2016

Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica

  • The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree

Nog niet behaald

Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde

Certificaten

  • British Council
    • Cambridge First Certificate English
  • European Piano Teachers Association
    • Niveau C2
  • Basis Flight Simulator certificaat

Werkervaring

  • Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente

augustus 2013 – september 2016

Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.

  • Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)

juni 2016 – september 2016

Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.

  • Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)

september 2016 – december 2017

Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.

  • D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)

juli 2018 – heden

Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.

  • ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener

augustus 2018 – september 2018

Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.

Overige (Informele) Ervaring

  • Ervaring met koken

Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.

  • Ervaring met lesgeven

Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.

  • Ervaring als model

Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.

  • Ervaring als actrice/figurant
    • Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)

Publicaties

Boeken

ISBN: 9789082936803

Gepubliceerd op 24 september 2018

Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.

ISBN: 9789082936810

Gepubliceerd op 30 september 2018

Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.

ISBN: 9789082936834

Gepubliceerd op 30 november 2018

Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.

ISBN: 9789082936896

Gepubliceerd op 30 januari 2019

Een lang essay over een non-cijfermatig algoritme voor levensverbetering en de toepassing hiervan.

ISBN: 9789082936889

Gepubliceerd op 30 maart 2019

De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.

Long-read Artikelen

Publicatiedatum: 28 februari 2019

Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.

Publicatiedatum: 15 april 2019

Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.

Karaktereigenschappen

Positief Negatief
Communicatief sterk Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen (Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies
Initiatiefnemer

 

Hobby’s

In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.

Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.

Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog LilFangs.com 🙂 ).


If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂

Ex Animo

Random Shiz¿

In my Council, I have Veto rights. I’m recruiting members for the D.O.C.I.S. International Council. 

It’s all in The Hypothesis, which will be released on the 30th of March. 

Blog, Ex Animo, Popular Posts

Eleutheromania

“The usual way to live life” must change, one day.

No more unwanted routines. We’ll bounce back.

“School, work, dying” can’t be the purpose of life. I’ll prove it.

Developing a new standard. It’s more than just a dream.

With this political hack, we’ll change tracks.

The assemblance of a revolutionary team.

A form of leadership, combined with individual influence rights, in a way you’ve not yet seen.

Could we celebrate with cognac?

And create some peace of mind, for this eleutheromaniac.

The featured image is made by Kaniz Seikh, downloaded from Pexels.com

The pink water reminds me of Eleuthera's pink sand (not that I've been there (yet)). 
I always feel an embrace of freedom, when the water of the sea flows over my feet, as I walk further into it.
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Fangs 2.0: The Diary’s Verdict

Something happens. I say nothing. 

Immediately, or after walking away, I take my phone in a grappling position. I don’t let it go until I’ve satisfied the thought of letting him/her, who keeps up with me, know what just crossed my mind. I want to show you that I’m like you. And that we’ll be much better off together. 

Hoping that the aggregate of posts will show a path to success. Hoping that the first and the last post, will show you two different people. The last better than the first. 

The path was layed out. Defined throughout my posts. The seal wasn’t there. I didn’t get it. The circular maze I was stuck in didn’t seem to have a way out. 

The diary became themed: “I’m trying to get myself out of something and I’m still stuck in it. These are the details of my thoughts, actions and feelings, as I’m stuck in it. One day, my blog will show my success, boosting yours.” Like a broken record. Where’s my Seal of Freedom? I didn’t get it. 

Until I realized that the quantity is too large for a simple overview. And that I should use the time I use(d) to vent in my diary, to continue to study the depths of the system I wish to change. So dearly… I’m my own independent Graeyniss. 

But I need other independent Graeynissis. My diary won’t keep them here. Hopefully my non-scholarly research project will… It’s the reason why I need your blessings. 

In this maze – The Maze of Life – so discombobulated. That state won’t make you bet on me. I’ll use your books to show you your way out. Mag ik nu een Cishe?

There will be a new theme: “I have no degrees and I’m still dusting off the classics of all disciplines, and I’m using them to design a new way to shepherd life. School doesn’t teach you that. School teaches you how to reproduce. Join my Fangyism, and we’ll be free. I’ll make it fun.”

That’s the definition of the perspective the feelings in my diary are based on: the stifling feeling that comes with the idea of staying stuck in this type of government forever. That’s my maze. 

Hoping that some eyes made of money will dust me off. Showing you why you should. Hoping that you will… I have 100 strategies and 1000 reasons why. That’s the conclusion of the path. 

That’s my way out. 

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No More Online Diary Posts!

After 253 diary posts, I have decided that it’s time to use my writing talents for something else. 

I once started my online diary, as an initiative to comfort people who live through things they can’t share with others. To be someone they can relate to, who relates to them, while being surrounded by people who have no clue of what we’re actually going through. 

It was also a way to show fully day-to-day life, in real-time, expressing all of perception: from thoughts to actions to feelings. Something that has never been done before, in the way I did it. 

I’m going to miss the way writing a diary post feels like laying on the chest of a beloved Graeyniss, who listens to me in a way that warms my heart. For the sake of future confidentiality, it’s better to stop it now. 

My thoughts and feelings, will be expressed with pen and paper again, in my tangible diary, the way they were, before I started my online diary. 

What I’ll be doing instead, excites me so much! I’m going to show you all of my research process! 

I’m going to analyze classics from several fields, to define a certain connection they have with each other. Not only do I want to show you the truth about the way all of life has been organized, from a multidisciplinary scientific perspective. I want to show you how we could improve this in a way that goes beyond imagination!  

This is shift part of my Volta’s Plan B

It feels like the end of an era. 

I love you ♥

xxx

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Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Doe eens iets geks? 

Iets wat ik nog nooit heb gedaan, is een post helemaal in het Nederlands schrijven. Wat betreft grammaticaregels [ik kan het beter “alleen maar uitzonderingen” noemen] is het sowieso een verschrikkelijke taal, dus wijk ik algauw liever uit naar een wat toegankelijkere taal. Puur om geklaag te vookomen. 

Vele Nederlanders hebben me aangeraden om eerst te beginnen met het veroveren van de Nederlandse markt, voordat ik internationaal ga. Ik heb drie heel zwaar wegende argumenten om dit niet te doen: 

  1. Het doel van mijn missie betreft alle landen ter wereld, [JA, “KOMMA EN”] en het Engels is een internationale taal. 
  2. Gezien de ecologische constructie van Nederland, is Nederland niet voor altijd, en ik wil graag iets nalaten aan volgende generaties. (Haha snap je wat ik hiermee zeg?)
  3. Het Nederlandse propaganda is heel erg “ons” en “zij”, en “hier is alles beter” wanneer het gaat om Nederland en het buitenland, en dat vind ik zulke fucking onzin. Die stommiteit past ook niet bij wat ik wil bereiken. Voor mijn gevoel hoor ik ook niet bij “ons”. Ik ben mijn eigen team. En ik ben heel selectief wat betreft het kiezen van mijn bondgenoten, want als er een land is waar opportunisme bijna volledig in de nationale cultuur verweven zit… “Ik organiseer een evenement en wil graag dat je erbij bent.” “Njaaa ik weet het niet… Volgens mij heb ik die dag…” “Entree, eten en drinken zijn voor jou gratis.” “Hoe laat?” (En dan moet dat grappig zijn? Is het dan ook grappig dat ik zo serieus wil emigreren? Natuurlijk heb je dat soort mensen overal, maar hier heb je niet eens de ruimte om ze te ontwijken…)

Ook dat binnen de nationale cultuur, geloven dat echte internationale voorspoed mogelijk is en geloven dat volledige zelfbeheersing mogelijk is, worden gezien als psychosen… Dat de meerderheid volledig talentloos is, wil niet zeggen dat het gelijk voor iedereen onmogelijk is. 

Van mij mogen die dijken kapot, echt waar. Dan is het probleem ook opgelost. Het zal uiteindelijk misschien zelfs wel moeten, want het land is eigenlijk al zo onherstelbaar failliet. Ieder jaar wordt alles een stukje duurder, de absurde overbevolking wordt een stukje groter en viral trends en million dollar strategies worden steeds dommer, voor het proletariaat en hun routines die al langer hetzelfde zijn dan dat ik in leven ben. Stel dat ik ook een proleten leven zou gaan leiden leiden [je weet wel, tot mijn 65ste (mijn generatie moet sowiso door tot ze 80 zijn), elke dag naar het werk, met dezelfde collega’s, op dezelfde plek, waar je steeds dezelfde anekdotes hoort… In de zomer ieder jaar naar dezelfde camping, lekker goedkoop… HAHAHA (Om heel eerlijk te zijn, ga ik letterlijk, zonder enige twijfel, liever dood.)], in plaats van het volgen van het pad dat alleen ik kan volgen, omdat (blijkbaar, helaas) alleen ik dit inzicht heb en er een oplossing voor heb. Hoe waren jullie dan van plan om al die studie leningen terug te krijgen, terwijl de vergrijzing bekostigd moet worden en dit land nog verder in verval raakt, terwijl men alleen maar dommer wordt? 

Too bad you gave me that fucked up diagnosis, and I’m tired of trying now. Good luck 🙂 .

Haha daar komt de aap uit de mouw, nietwaar? 

Happy 2019

– xxx – Lil Fangs 

Meow is the administrator account of my blog, which I fully maintain myself. This is Lil Fangs, too 🙂 . 

Met dit ene artikel heb ik letterlijk elke ongeschreven regel die er binnen het vak public relations bestaat, gebroken. Het is gewoon tijd voor iets nieuws. 

Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

01:57 (AM) 

There’s some text in the previous post, which was updated after 12.

I would love to talk to you some more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Plus, I’ll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, because during last evening’s dinner, we decided that I’m not only in charge of the mashed potatoes. I’ll also be making the starter. My sister wants something with raw salmon, so I’ll be making my own version of zalmtaartaar :)♥ .

I’m off to bed

Good night, my love ♥

I love you ♥ ♥

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you ♥ ♥ ♥

xxx

13:11 (01:11 PM) 

Good petty afternoon 🙂 

I’m too bed cuddly, and still tired, so my mother is going grocery shopping and I need to text her what I need for my cooking. I always decide what kind of ingredients I’ll use, when it’s time to go shopping for them, and then based on what kinds of taste I’m in the mood for. 

So for the mashed potatoes, I was thinking of keeping it very simple: potatoes, butter, milk, celery (my variation), nutmeg, vegetable stock/truffle oil and mustard

And the zalmtaartaar ( = tartar of salmon [but it seems like tartar means wild person¿ I’m talking about a dish haha]) I want to make with: fresh salmon (not frozen please), fennel, (frozen) spinach [I find that tasting a lot less bitter], steranijs (star anise), vegetable stock, creme fraîche, parsley, white wine and sesame seeds. I’ll make “een bedje” [’cause I’m a petje 😀 ] of spinach and finely chopped fennel, cooked and cooled off, with the anise. The salmon will go on top, stuck together in its shape by creme fraîche with vegetable stock (cooled off, since the salmon needs to stay raw). It will be topped with a “blendered” mixture of cooked and cooled off fennel, parsley and white wine. And then some grilled sesame seeds and parsley for garnishing on top. 

I’m not sure if I should include a lime in this, because I made something with the combination of anice and lime, and that tasted like a very nasty cough medicine. A lime would probably also be nicer with non-raw salmon. So no lime in this dish 🙂 . 

Oh we didn’t have plans for soup yet either. The basic tomato soup I make includes… Waiit she already left so I need to text her the shopping list xxx

~~~

13:50 (01:50 PM) 

The soup I’ll make is inspired by this recipe for Turkish tomato soup I learnt from the cooking guide “game” for the Nintendo DS, when I was little. I’ll be using: butter, flour, vegetable stock, tomatoes, creme fraîche, thyme and rosemary

Haha a lot of my diary posts include recipes and reflections – basically they’re always reflections after the introduction – but they’re not put into that category, because I do not always want my philosophy to stand out on this website. There are so many hidden gems in it, I want to keep it a good the user needs to do a little effort for, to obtain it. I’m doing this all for free. I don’t even earn royalties or ad money. So I would like that act of love in return. Thanks 🙂 . 

I’ll later include pictures of the cooking process. My sister will assist me today 😀 ♥.

Time to make some “breakfast”… I have a hunger headache. Tot later 😀 .

~~~

15:12 (03:12 PM)

A last-minute impulse made me think of what to eat the tartar with. I’m thinking of slicing the type of baguette you need to finish in the oven yourself in very thin toasty layers and putting it in the oven with self-made garlic oil with mint

My “breakfast” [first meal of the day, but past breakfast hours, so in between quotation marks] wasn’t really worth sharing. It was just very basic: cooked instant noodles. There were not many better alternatives. 

I accomplished this during/after it haha:

I love this gameee. I gave it to myself as a present last night. Remember when I purchased the Switch and this game was still unreleased?

I’m still hungry… I’ll just start cooking right after I shower and feed off tasting my food to see if the taste is right. That’s something I often do when I can’t find something suitable [in terms of healthiness and how much it makes me feel full… I’m not saying that instant noodles are healthy. They’re what makes me feel the most full of all things available for cooking at the moment] for me to eat. 

So be right back again meoww xxx

~~~

16:21 (04:21 PM) 

Meoww we’re doing thiss. First I want to do all of the cutting for all of the dishes. So cutting the tomatoes and the fennel, plus skinning [what’s the right word?] the potatoes. 

For now I’m doing things solo, because my sister also has to help my mother and shower and take care of other business.

Haven’t worn a schort since my first times cooking. But I want to keep my dress clean hehe.

Fast and simplee

Haha it would be so cool if you’d cook along with me 😀 ♥

This will be my occupation for now. I’ll keep you up to date xxx

~~~

17:26 (05:26 PM) 

De huidige stand van zaken [the current state of affairs]:

As finely chopped as possible on this pace

Fennell

My sister is helping me ♥. [That clock is still on summer time. It was 17:22]

I’ll now start cooking what I need for the tartaar and start making the vegetable bouillon. 

Tartaar first (because it still has to cool), soup second, potatoes last. 

I need to get some stuff from the freezer in the shed. Be right back xxx

~~~

17:42 (05:42 PM) 

Frozen spinach has to defrost first

The back pan is for the topping, the front one is for het bedje 🙂

~~~

18:06 (06:06 PM) 

I hope to be done around 7/07:30 PM. 

Sweet white wine for the back right pan. I compensated sourness a little with sugar.

Vegetable stock and creme fraîche to stick the salmon together in the star cookie shape 

Vegetable stock + tomatoes. Letting it boil until the tomatoes are fully soft

Parsley added (almost forgot about it lol) 

Perfectly blended tartar topping 🙂

The parsley is there because I needed a cutting board and wanted to save on dishes to wash

Meoww

This + those slices of bread + mint and garlic oil + oven

~~~

19:10 (07:10 PM) 

Celeryy

Part einss

Part zweii

19:42 (07:42 PM) 

This is my first time ever trying this. I think it has worked out quite well 🙂 .

Yahaay

Meoww 😀 . I hope it tastes goood

~~~

19:55 (07:55 PM) 

Aahhh I’m exhausted maahnnn. But it’s all donee. Excuse the chaos of pictures. 

Time to eat yoooo xxx

Can’t wait to taste itt

Those are dates filled with cream cheese…

Date me 😀 . Ah meoww at first I was all like “Woohoo I’ll stay single forever,” but on days like this I really miss a companion. 

~~~

20:26 (08:26 PM) 

El soupp

~~~

20:42 (08:42 PM) 

Shout out to my Amsterdam family friends for giving me socks and a gift card ♥

When I went shopping with my mother last weekend, I picked Lady Million Privé by Paco Rabanne and blush, lipstick and fixing spray from MAC as Christmas presents. I opened them when I went to that party on Sunday haha… 

~~~

22:25 (10:25 PM) 

I’ve been semi-socializing [semi because I wasn’t leading the conversation]. Here are some more dinner pics:

The Brancott Estate 2015 Sauvignon. It’s all right [or should I say “it can wait” HAHA love you B ♥]

I’m still looking for that wine with a less dominant taste of alcohol. Like the way Remy Martin XO’s taste of alcohol is very subtle, which makes the other aspects of the drink much more flavorous. 

The traditional [even though I’m Dutch/”Surinamese”] main Christmas dish

I cut the turkey 😀 . So I earned thiss . It was very tasty 🙂 . My mother made the turkey, gravy, cranberries and veggies

My cousin has taken care of our dessert. She has brought three of them 🙂 . We’re starting with this:

Een kaasplankje and a selection of sausages

It’s easier for me to write self-reflection when I’m by myself. So these pictures are my entertainment for you now. I hope you’re having a nice day 🙂 . 

Panna cotta 🙂

I fucking loveee foooood. And wiiinee. 

The third dessert will be served soon as well. 

~~~

Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, December 23, 2018

[I wrote this unfinished piece of post yesterday around 7 PM, but then something happened, and because of that, I still will not finish it. I’ll explain it to you 🙂 . Between the three dotted lines is the unfinished piece of post.]

My Cuddle ♥

Excuse my previous madness 🙁 . It’s a side effect that comes with my ambition. I hope you still love me. I get so mad, because I love you and I can’t stand that I can’t be with you 🙁 .

I had a lot of fun with my mother yesterday. When we were texting a few days before, I told her that I tend to stay away from her, because she can express the way she feels so negatively sometimes, and I want to see and hear her be happy. Hearing her express herself negatively gives me heartache and palpitations.

I feel terrible, too, but when we go out to do something together, it’s better to push those feelings aside, to try to emphasize the good things and to act happier than you are, because then you might end up feeling that way, too. I it worked for the both of us 😀 ♥

Around 2 o’clock, we took the metro to the city center. (We intended to leave around 1, but I kept snoozing my 10:50 alarm and at some point I accidentally dismissed it, so I woke up at 12:37 and had to rush…)

00:38 (AM) 

The reason why I’m so much later than usual with writing a post, was because I was socializing all day. It has been so long since I’ve felt so uplifted. I had conversations with my mother that really felt like it was like in the old days. I loved it. Then, here, at the house of the family friends I’m staying with, too, we were talking a lot. At first a lot about decision making from a parental perspective.

Then, later, somehow, we ended up talking about my business plans. I’ve touched on my business plans with other people before, but it’s so unique that I prefer to keep them to myself, because when it comes to money, some people try to do good with it, and some just want to have the most of it. I believe that because most people on this Earth are very self-preservative, this Earth is such a shit dystopia. I know that with my plans – less than half of them can be found online, because I prefer to memorize it, so that others can’t grow big with it before I do – there’s a lot of money to be made, which is why I prefer to keep them to myself, until I’m certain that I can trust someone.

This was the first time breaking down my full business concept, of which a part originated from the fact that with the natural circumstances in the Netherlands, life can be over at any second, and from people from my class, there are currently no plans of evacuation. That’s why I came up with the recruitment aspect of the organization. Also because space is limited. This quickly led to me being compared to – as I indicated before, in the “if I were to explain and my philosophy gets misinterpreted”-situation I described a few posts back, just type the last name in the search field to find it – Adolf Hitler. Of course, the comparison was a joke, since we’re talking about uncontrollable natural circumstances here.

There was also mentioned that we should raise awareness on that life in this country could be over at any second again, via mainstream media. Everyone learns about it in school, but no one gives a fuck, otherwise I would not be alone in this paranoia about nature ending my life at any second. Primary school is made mandatory by the government. If you wouldn’t attend, there’s a whole police patrol squad that makes sure you will. Everyone has been fully educated about this in geography class.

Raising awareness via mainstream media would cause so much chaos, because no one knows what to do, or doesn’t have the resources and/or capacity to do something useful, with that information. (Remember when I was typing about this in caps lock? It already felt like I was giving away too much.)

I don’t believe in raising awareness through mainstream media, but I do believe in proposing my solution and guiding the recruitment process through mainstream media. Then at least everyone knows and thus the chances will be equal. I find equal opportunities very important. Another thing I find important is usefulness, because it’s important that my island doesn’t go to shit the way this country will, one day. That’s not me destroying it. That’s just god’s work. I didn’t chose to be born here. No one did. (Right?)

The conversation ended with me being proposed to propose the product, service or strategy that will give me that amount of money I need to buy that island I’ll fully own and thus have the full right to decide over. I actually intend it to be bought by the holding, because I don’t want to rule over it all by myself, but because it’s my idea, I do want to own the parliament. Yes, things are arranged differently on Planet Fang.

When it comes to pitching my ideas, I always have trust issues. I guess that’s part of the reason why I still haven’t truly attempted to find an investor. (I’m considering constructing my business in such a way that co-owners will all be married to me, on Planet Fang, where everything is very different. I basically have to, since I’m so in love with these Graeynissis…) But of course I make exceptions for those who are close to me, when they ask.

So now I’ll be pitching “my million dollar strategy” coming Saturday. I love a challenge. [The soon deadline was because I made clear that my way to making it big isn’t a plan for 10 years. Life here can be over at any second and I want to be able to save myself (and other (useful) people). Truthfully, I want to have earned enough to rule over that island – and really truthfully already have that compound – within twelve months. Yes, twelve months. Actually I intended to already have been there by now, but I see I really am forced to do mainstream shit ah ew.] I wonder what it will lead to. I seek passionate investors, who care about the success of the endeavor more than about commas. They’re one of a kind and hard to find… Because of the class I’m stuck in with no money or support, I basically don’t come across them. But sometimes I’m lucky…

When I was having lunch with my mother, and she asked me where I want to live when I’m back at the ANWB full-time, I told her: “Wassenaar.” Yehess that’s not affordable with the salary I’ve earned there. I don’t intend to grow old here. I didn’t even intend to really target the Dutch market – because what’s the point, if it can flood at any second – but I have fallen in love… I showed my mother: “Look at how hot my Graeyniss is,” (those were not my literal words) and she was also like woaaaaah. Ah meoww… Suddenly he’s on my mind so much… I swear omgg… Including the thought of us suddenly giving in to the attraction we feel for each other and kissing… I love the way you grab my ass in my fantasy. Our life is wild and turbulent – like our sex – like a Dutch movie. (The upper class life painted in those movies is so alien to me. It’s so interesting in a sexy way.)

In my correspondence to him I’m indirectly all like oohh noo I look relatively good so people think my intention is to fuck anyone and then especially those with brains and influence, so it’s important that it’s clear that that is fucking bullshit. I’m not a house wife.  I want to make a career.

But simultaneously, with the natural circumstances in this country, my survival instinct is going crazy. If I were to be stuck with someone, I swear for me it’s the best to be stuck with someone else who would, like me, say: “If I would survive the flooding of this country, I would seize power.” With my level of intelligence and the circumstances I need to survive in, it doesn’t surprise me that I’m always fucking crazy attracted to tall grey haired men in suits. [HAHA HI THEREEEE 😀 ]

For this sexy Graeyniss, I would stay in this country and be a house wife… [Still no children, though, “sorry”….] The house wife part being cooking and setting up my own business, while the regular cycle of life as we now it now – everyone working – continues, until my business is finished and I can finally overthrow the system. People would talk so much shit about us, because we would look twice as hot if we were a couple… Don’t you maybe need a date for some fancy Christmas dinner? Does anyone need a date for a fancy Christmas dinner? I don’t like Christmas, but I love dress-up occasions and any chance to hear some serious Graeyniss conversations. I’d finally be able to be myself…

I’m such a pet cat… I now have two people I call Graeynissis, of whom I’m thinking that it’s possible that they could feel the same way about me as I do about them… I hope you’ll want to share, because now I feel un-cuddle for having feelings for more than one person, and I just want to have you all all to myself and I want you all to know it from each other. I hope I’ll be enough for you in that way, in terms of love (so that you’d be able to settle for my split attention) and that you’ll still feel like you’re my one and only.

On the rest of yesterday: I took my usual types of pictures, thinking of sharing it on here as I explain to you the deatils of my day. But the conversations lasted until very late and I need to get up early today. (It’s probably also not that interesting for you. That’s why it’s all the way down here.)

I had to get fangy and eat some medium-rare meat

I didn’t go here today, but I went there on a school excursion once, and, while usually I’m not a fan of excursions, there’s such interesting meaning in the architecture, art and design of this Paleis op de Dam, so I wanted to tell you this is a must-see

New blush was one of my gifts ♥

We later went there “for dessert” 🙂

This is what I selected as a gift for my family friends’ house I currently live in, for underneath the Christmas tree. How do you find my interior design vision?  :p

As I walked home, the sky was looking Cuddle

This is the perfume I use and wanted to buy again from my €150 Christmas budget. But they don’t sell it anywhere anymore?? 🙁 So now Lady Million Privé is my new scent. The other one is an Opium eau de toilette by Yves Saint Laurent. There are multiple ones with this name, but this exact one I can’t find anywhere. It was hard to find the first time already…

Now that I feel better – I’ve been so silent for so long, I’m happy to have had some good conversations and events – it’s like my body hurts less as well. It’s probably not a good move, health wise, even though simultaneously exercise is healthy, but I already mentioned to my mother how much I miss it, and then I saw this event for tomorrow, so I could just not not sign up… There’s a little basketball event tomorrow, in the Apollohal, from 12:30 until 14:30. For €4.50 you can join the poule and play 15 minute games. I’m excited! 😀 It has been so long since I played… I miss it so much! It’s too cold to play outside 🙁 . So tomorrow I’m going 😀 .

It’s now 03:54 and I need to figure out how to make my way there and stuff tomorrow… And be early because teams will be made et cetera. I’m thus going to sleep.

I love you sooooo much

Good night (literally haha) ♥

xxx

10:04 (AM)

Good morning

I just posted this to let you know I’m awake.  I’m going to take a shower.

By the way, since I find it more important to succeed in my life goals than to earn, but I do need to earn [soon as fuck… I’ll also need protection soon if people are going to proclaim that I have plans for the evacuation of a hand-picked (by application and recruitment [that used to go via my book projects, in which no one paricipated – I’m mad and might change my genre to something more populist – but will now go via emailing office@docis.international]) group of people and that I still allow people from other countries on that island as citizens as well [I can do that, because these fucked up natural circumstances are not the only reason for me to run this business…. It’s also because the system is absolute shit everywhere in the world and everyone deserves to attempt to an alternative]], I’m thinking of taking some initiative as someone who doesn’t vote and dominate the shit out of these literal political Graeynissis . Oh and the king, too, hehe. By starting a political party or something else via the democratic system I’m subjected to (beetje jammer… [that I’m subjected to it haha]). Know that I consider it my responsibility, as a non-voter. But I find that those who do vote but other than that only complain in front of the television, have that same self-initiative responsibility. I’d call it “The Fang Party”. Ons hoofdstandpunt is “fuck politics” HAHAHA.

I’ll be getting ready. Don’t Judas me in the meantime 😀 xxx

~~~

11:07 (AM) 

HAHA ayyy seriously I have such good ideas for Dutch politics! And for the promotion of The Fang Party (vote for a chance of getting access to all compounds). I’ll make music videos for promotion (Nero style HAHA… This sounds very Hitler-like haha but I swear I’m pro equal survival chances HAHAHAHAH). If I were to seize power, the Netherlands will become part of Planet Fang as well 😀 . I’m also pro voting rights for everyone, so everyone anywhere in the world will be allowed to vote for the Netherlands. Especially women who are not allowed to vote!!!! 

I challenge the Dutch prime minister to a dance battle…. Maak je borst maar nat mattie I’m coming for youuu.

So my donation thing will become: Help Lil Fangs De Tweede Kamer in…. Gotta eat fast and hurry brb xxx

~~~

11:46 (AM) 

Hey jongens, ik voel een nieuw referendum aankomen… Ick will namelijk graeg den grootsten dele mijnes tijdes in “Hispanje” (maar dan Planet Fang) spendeeren.

I think “Den Fang Partij” is trouwens een betere naam.

LIL FANGS FOR PRESIDENT!!!

For my political economy strategy things… Benoît Crutzen… IK. KIES. JOU!!! *gooit pokéball*

~~~

11:58 (AM) 

Yoo where the fuck are my earplugs :'( . I always lay them next to my bed 🙁 . Travelling musicless sucks. My music will be played everywhere. I also have a lot of ideas for the improvement of the quality of television. I want to own 20% of all zendtijd forever for education material from Den Fang Partij.

So there should be one more colony which will be a separate island, for the Netherlands, which will be named Planet Fang if I win. Or if I’ll be able to make so much noise that there will be elections right now.

Of ik links of rechts ben? Ik ben niks mattie. Fuck dat systeem. Ik ben Lil Fangs HAHA.

Yo Rutte… Fuck jouw partij en kom gewoon bij mij ofzo?

Also, I want Vicje, Lorenzo and Sander as active members of my party…

~~~

14:10 (02:10 PM)

I’m having a lot of fun 😀 . I’m trying to get people to join me for my group picture at the end of the event. I’ve already told a few people I want to run for president and that I had that idea this morning. I want to show you I’m a people person 🙂 . Vote for me 😀 ♥

~~~

15:07 (03:07 PM) 

When I arrived at the basketball event, I saw that I was the only girl there and teams were already made. I didn’t want to take down the pace of the games the guys were playing, so my intention was to practice some by myself for the full two hours, on the free basket.

Then later, Jozef invited me to join his team. They had to leave before the event ended, so we have a separate picture 🙂 :

The team 😀

They’re all from Lebanon, except Rashid next to me, who is from Syria.

When I told them that I want to run for president here, Jozef said: “(Then) you probably don’t want us here.” His response scared me up. The way people are forced to leave their countries is outrageous, and world peace is definitely on the list of things I want to achieve!! Good living circumstances world wide, too. Of course you should be welcome here, since this country is in the top ten of weapon manufacturers. You should be treated like a king here.

Especially because I’m a person of color and I’m used to dumb racist people telling me that “I should go back to my own country” (while the Dutch nationality is my own nationality…) I for sure am not that the type of person who will discriminate people on where they’re from or what their background is. That’s the most ignorant thing people do these days.

My immediate response was: “You shouldn’t want to be here yourself, because there are no plans of evacuation for the people from our class, when this country is threatened by nature, to be flooded. That’s one of the things I want to propose a solution for when I’m elected president.”

Here are all group pictures taken, so you’re free to select your best one 🙂 [Shout out to the girl with the pink jacket, who made the picture ♥ ] :

Yay 1

Yay 2

Yay 3

Yay 4

Yay 5

Yay 6

Yay 7

If I were to organize a basketball event and ask people €4.50 for entrance, you’d get a bottle of water and a snack. Lil Fangs for President ayy.

I just came back home. I’ve been joking about my campaign statements and programme, but I have some serious plans and I’ll entirely break them down in the free book I came up with when I was in the tram: Lil Fangs for President. I’ll get started with it today 🙂 . First, I need to finish my business website and the 180 Days of Fangs article, though. Haha one project at a time…

~~~

15:54 (03:54 PM) 

Oh yes, why I’m not wearing basketball clothes? Because my basketball clothes and shoes are at home. I decided to look for meetups to join for today, last night, while I’m staying in Amsterdam with my family friends.

At some point I stopped playing team games, today, because my knees and ankles started to hurt. I wasn’t wearing the right shoes… I also suffered from “osgood schlatter” – a force and growth related sports injury – for quite some time, when I used to play for Rotterdam Basketball (the regular club, not eredivisie or something haha).

I then started to practice dribbling and shooting, in a walking pace, with my focus on not looking at the ball while playing. I dribbled with my eyes closed. I can show you that, as a president, I can dribble with my eyes closed, which means that my senses are very good, which shows that I’m a very alert president.

~~~

16:55 (04:55 PM) 

Ohh I made this picture when I gave myself a water break from practicing jump shots and lay ups and stuff, before I joined the team:

I always focus on my screen, but I guess I should look into the camera, but then I don’t know what my facial expression looks like… I need to practice my charisma more…

Lil Fangs for President will be released in both Dutch and English (the languages I can write in). If anyone wants to translate it to another language, I’ll share it for sure.

I find it important that there’s world wide attention for the situation here, in this country, since the problem here will at some point affect every single country on Earth, and I’m trying to be ahead of it. That’s why my correspondence is currently in English. I don’t know why no one else is doing this, too. Know that I have no patience for people who focus on gossip shit. I’m trying to make a serious change. I’m by the way against reading speeches from paper or a teleprompter…

I will also not be begging for votes. Voting is of course a choice, and if you want to hate on my initiative – while no one else is showing initiative the way I do, on this level – go ahead and please don’t even consider to vote. Then I have less people I’ll have to take into consideration for something that is not my responsibility. I just want to help because I’m able to, but other than that, it’s your life’s task to save yourself.

~~~

21:03 (09:03 PM) 

I’ve been thinking of going home for Christmas. I mentioned it during dinner. The thing that made it not easy and obvious is that my father has to allow and want me to be home, since he’s the house owner who sets the rules. Eric came with the idea to call him and ask if he finds it okay. After some internal fears, I called. He didn’t pick up. He called me when I was doing number two. When I tried to call back, I got an immediate “call ended” after pressing call, without voice mail. He also texted me to ask if I tried to call him. I said yes. He asked why. I said that it’s because I want to come home for Christmas and my sister’s birthday. (I still want to be all by myself by new year’s. I find one formality enough and do not want to reflect on last year with those who have experienced part of that hell with me.) He said fine, that’s okay and sent some love related smileys. So now I’m going home for Christmas. As a politician to be, I’ll stick to doing populist shit because I want your love ah meoww.

My god I really feel like crying and dying. I wish all of this drama just didn’t exist. Esha texted me at the right moment, asking me if I would like to join her and Elgin (the DJ I mentioned before), because he’s the first performer at a club tonight. I’m tired from playing basketball and stuff, but dancing and being with nice people will make me feel better for sure.

Sorry for not doing the “work related” [I’m not earning from it] things I mentioned today. I hope you still love me. I also hope you’ll save me from the huge task I’ve given myself when it comes to our society, in the sense that I know that’s unhealthy for me to work so much, but I can’t stop…

Also, entering politics sounds very exciting to me, but the thought of that nonsense gossip media… If there’s one thing that deep down just makes me want to ask that person what the fuck he/she is doing with his/her life and emphasize that the questions that are asked by the media 99% of the time are complete fucking nonsense. I hope it won’t give me too many palpitations 🙁 .

I intend to stick to water tonight…

~~~

23:24 (11:24 PM) 

We’re in club Nova. Kendrick Lamar’s Swimming Pools is playing in the background. It’s quite rustig sill. DJ Elli-BS’s set is lit like usual.

I numb down my emotions so heavily when I’m sober, I really want to get intoxicated and feel something, but it’s not good for my health…

Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

180 Days of Fangs

There’s a crucial difference between writing general self reflection and writing an online diary post, to me. It’s in the concept of time. In an online diary post, I reflect the emotions I feel – still not in the peaceful state I want them to be in – to the way I experience time as I’m writing that exact post, by means of showing a(n alternative) contemporary life – it might be interesting to reflect back on it in 10 years and see how much life has changed, hopefully with D.O.C.I.S. International – and of preserving my long and short term memory.

Why 180 days, in the title? Because I have 180 days of diary posts, today.

I started this blog after I released the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in April. [This episode can now be read in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I.] Then, I was still under relatively intense surveillance [it was worse before I started the blog] from the people from the psychiatric industry. “My parents” and them are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic.

It all started when in an answer to a question about my whereabouts, I said that doctor B.S.Y. Crutzen is a friend of mine, with whom I talk about my business plans. And that he is interested in working together with me, and that he will be my escape from my parents’ house.

How this led to me being falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia, is broken down in detail in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in which I extensively describe why this is a limitation to my freedom in doing business and how, only if other people were to join me in my endeavor, I could bypass this. The book has no sales.

The dumbest part of their diagnosis, is that the research hospital has drawn its conclusion, of doctor Crutzen being only a voice in my head, without actually involving him in the research process. They should have invited me and him over to a session, and hear from him “That he doesn’t even know me”, because according to them, a drop out can’t be friends with a professor. They refused to involve him in the research process. I miss him 🙁 . They know that.

By clearly running away from them [four times…], I’ve been able to distance myself from them,  but not from the final legal say they have over me, due to their false diagnosis. This stressful absurdity resurfaces in my posts almost daily, because it has changed my view on life so much, in a negative way.

Because I want to emigrate to the United States, since I need to live somewhere, while my corporate state isn’t there yet [and I love the warm weather, the rate between available space and people [as an individual, you have much more space to live, there, for a lot less money, compared to the Netherlands] and the creative strategy of the Republican government… Plus, I’ve taught myself American English – while I’ve been taught British English by my grandmother and in school – and I consider the US the heart of global publicity, so since I want to go global, it really seems like the place to be, for me…], I want my files to show the truth about me.

The parties with authority over me and I are not on the same page. They’re the ones who are authorized to edit my medical record, but they have a completely different opinion about me. It’s a very negative one, I don’t agree with. They’re not open to let me revise it. They don’t even want to show me what they’ve exactly written down in it. All I’ve seen is a collection of summaries, of which the pessimistic view has shocked me. I think this has added to my post traumatic stress…

I’m not saying that I’m fully healthy, since I just mentioned the PTSS and from the white blood cells in the infection that is currently still visible in my urine, even after antibiotics from Germany, I might have a serious physical illness. [My Dutch physician finds me incompetent and because of that she refused to refer me to a hospital, so I was bound to searching for help abroad.] I’m just saying that the diagnosis schizophrenia is fucking bullshit.

The only other way for me to achieve this correction of my record – I consider it clearing my name – is if my supporters were to stand up for me. I find it very important that my files show the truth about me, because I want D.O.C.I.S. International to be a multinational business and work together with powerful individuals.

Simultaneously, I’m trying to get this business off the ground, be able to afford a home and pay back my study loan, but since no one is paying for my work – solely looking at what I publish for free – I’m forced to go back to working for a boss again [ :'( ], unless things were to finally change in my favor.

For those who just have tuned in to my life, the amount of text here might be quite intimidating, and that’s not my intention! So I hope that this article will make things clear for you.

I also hope it will lead to the shift I’m trying to cause. The shift in which I’m finally able to live a happy life and put my concept of a new, better and legal parallel system into practice. True sustainability is the most important aspect of that system. It’s parallel, because I believe an individual should be able to choose in what type of system he or she lives, instead of suddenly being forced to go to school and work and have loans, et cetera, in the end just to serve your basic needs. I did not sign up for that life…

The Diary’s Timeline 

April 17: This is the day I wrote my first diary post. I mentioned that after being done with working on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, I would have time to be blogging and not worry about anything else. I just released the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. But I mentioned that – not having to worry – because I expected my book to sell. It didn’t. This was before I unpublished the episode. Throughout my posts, you might notice how much this increases to eat at me. Another reason for frustration was that I was under surveillance – as in that I slept at my parents house [and from time to time I stayed with a grandmother for a week or so, when staying at my parents’room house drove me too crazy] and I had to see a “government therapist” every week, while I don’t agree with their diagnosis and treatment. On April 23 I had one of those mandatory sessions.

April 17 – April 24 were written in the Netherlands. At some point, I received a phone call about that I had to do another blood test to show that I was taking the antipsychotics. I thought it was a one time thing. I passed the first one by taking an overdose, but I didn’t want to do that again. Plus, my values must have been higher by then, so I wouldn’t pass it anyway. Even in the hospital, I wasn’t taking the medication for most of the time. I lied about it, which is why I got out at some point. But I risked getting a warrant for not taking the medicine, so my intention was to leave the country and seek for a solution. I didn’t take the blood test.

April 25 – April 27 were written in France. It was my first time “away from the psychiatric industry featuring my parents”, since April 2017! (April 2017, because that was when I came in touch with that industry for the first time…)

April 27 I was on my way back from France to the Netherlands. I, there,  wrote my diary update on paper, while I was in the train. The pictures of the text were taken in the plane to Surinam I was on, the next day. That’s why you see the scenery of an economy class plane – so the April 28 scenery – with the text I wrote on the 27th.

April 28 – May 19 were written on the way to, from and in Surinam, where I was on a holiday with my family. On May 6 the whole situation with them treating me “like I’m a schizophrenic” was frustrating me so much, that I decided to plan a one-way escape to the US. Another reason was the blood test I didn’t take. From that date onward, the plan developed itself. Here’s the video I was recording when I got the idea, in case you’re interested in watching it: [I don’t consider this a video of good quality. If I were to have a budget, my videos would be a lot better.]

In Surinam, I released some music, recorded in my bedroom there. The audio was recorded with my phone and I made the beat with the little MIDI keyboard I bought in Paris.

On the last night there, I met someone in a club. He was the first and only person who bought the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. I unpublished it in June, when I was applying for jobs, because I thought that it might cause the employer to refuse me as a potential employee.

May 20 – May 22 were written in the Netherlands. I had to travel back there first, because the ticket to Surinam was booked far in advance and I actually wasn’t allowed to travel to the US, because the parties with authority over me found it too far from home, and thus too dangerous “for a schizophrenic”. It was my intention to show that I don’t need their supervision – it drives me crazy – and an attempt to get Project Nosce Te Ipum off the ground, there. I hoped to be able to start a new life. [Very unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.]

May 23 – June 8 were written in the United States. Until May 26, I was in Baltimore. When I came there, all I had were my ESTA, a reservation for three nights at the Red Roof (more I couldn’t afford when I was secretly booking), my most valuable belongings and about €900 to spend until the end of June. The money was study financing, because I’m a student at The Open University in Milton Keynes. (It’s a university specialized in distance learning, so I’m free to travel, basically whenever I want to and can afford it.)

The emotional aspect of my departure – “my father” sent me such a cold hearted text message, when he found out that I left and my mother made me feel so guilty for leaving – made me want to be alone. It was my intention to promote my book and otherwise search for a job, but that and the financial stress kept me from engaging in social interactions, because I did not want to speak about my life, but it’s almost inevitable, when you meet someone new.

As my three day stay came to an end, I was certain that with my budget, I wasn’t going to be able to keep affording a roof above my head. I accepted the chance of ending up homeless and decided to try to give myself a good time, with the money I had. I decided to go to Miami, because last minute tickets to Los Angeles were too expensive, with the intention of being able to go to the beach. (It was my second time in Miami, but I still haven’t gone to the beach there.)

I chose to stay in hotels instead of hostels, because I carried a lot of emotionally valuable luggage with me – in my suitcase with a broken back wheel – and the sadness made me want to lay in bed, all alone, for most parts of the day. At some point, this caused me to not be able to afford a proper meal. One day, I was only able to eat a Burger King deal of $1.50 or something, for 10 spicy popcorn nuggets.

While I was going through all of this, I never blocked and/or deleted “my parents” on my phone, so they could still reach me. I ignored the hateful message of “my father”, but I couldn’t not respond to my mother’s sad text messages.

At some point, she offered to send me money, so that I had an alternative to being homeless. I refused it, in the beginning, because I can’t stand the way “my parents” always tell me that I cost them too much. By means of saving myself, within 24 hours, I wrote a second episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I and released it. Again, it had no sales at all. Here’s the explanation video I had made for it, within that same period of time: https://youtu.be/7jp2PYZRAG0 

I decided to go in to my mother’s financial offer. She asked me what I wanted. I told her a one way to California and one month of rent, for an apartment, with the intention of working as a Dutch translator somewhere there. She didn’t want to give me that. She extended my stay at Extended Stay for a night and bought me a one-way back to the Netherlands.

To make sure that those people from the psychiatric industry didn’t fully claim my agenda again, I started to look for a full-time job, even before I went back to the Netherlands. In my last hours in The States, I also made an appointment to officially register Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International as an official sole proprietor business, even though I hadn’t sold anything yet. It was because I didn’t want to set aside my business endeavor, when I worked 40 hours a week, and end up being someone saying: “I had plans of starting my own business, but now we’re 30 years further and I still work here…”

I told my mother, I didn’t want to see “my father”, so at first, she booked us a hotel room in Utrecht from June 9 until June 11. There we were going to see “what feels right”, when it comes to staying somewhere, so if I was going to go home or do something else. She said that if I were to rent an apartment – social housing, for people with a lower income – that she would pay part of the first month of rent for me.

So after we stayed in Utrecht, because I wanted to be able to cook myself, she booked me the cheapest hotel-apartment available. It was in Bad Boekelo, in a resort. I was there from June 11 until something like June 23. I absolutely loved the short experience of having my own apartment. The area was amazing, too. Very quiet, with a lot of nature.

On June 14, I was invited to a house visitation. The social housing system works with a random selection by a computer. I was 6th on the list and “unfortunately”, someone who was higher on the list showed up at the visitation, too, and took the house. It felt like losing. I was so fed up by it, that I didn’t even go in to it on my blog. I hadn’t been invited to a house visitation ever since. Now, I’ve stopped trying, since I don’t even want to live in a social housing project. I want to live in California. And I actually have a very expensive taste….

In the rest of my time in that apartment, I worked on my assignments for The Open University and I was working on some free content for this blog. And an app for it, too, but when I started to work 40 hours a week, I ended up not making the app.

When I had to check out of the apartment, I moved in with one of my grandmothers. On June 25, I officially registered Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International.

On June 26, I had a job interview at Young Capital, a recruitment agency, to see if I qualified for a job at the ANWB.

On June 28, I had a job interview at the ANWB itself. But somehow, I wasn’t able to find my public transportation card and I didn’t have money to buy a new one. It was still quite a while before the interview, so I decided to cycle from Rotterdam, Delfshaven to the ANWB headquarters in Den Haag. It was one hour and 24 minutes from door to door.

I called the recruiter to say that I was going to be a little later. My ETA was 8 minutes after the group interview was about to start, but my soft tyres and tripping phone compass made me be later. When I was 20 minutes away, I received a phone call from one of the co-recruiters, who asked if I could come the next day, because I had missed the introduction round.

My videos are rarely watched, so I’m not incentivized to upload them, but here’s some evidence of me cycling there. (The dress code was informal, so that’s why I was dressed like that.)

In one of the videos I say: “I’ll get the job, for sure.” And I got it 🙂

June 30, I worked at Concert at Sea for a day. My job was to sell bus tickets from the festival to the camping.

All geared up…

After working [from 7 the morning until like 7 in the evening] in the burning hot sun all day, I went to the coffeeshop near my grandmother’s house. I met someone there, who took me to a house party. When something happened there – I’m a total noob when it comes to illegal activities, so I didn’t get what was going on – and we all had to dash away, that person was holding my bag – I practice an intense form of trust – with my phone, my keys, my passport, my driver’s license, the author’s copy of the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which is now unpublished, the book of a friend of mine and the notebook I bought in France. I took so many things with me, because I considered running away again.

After dashing away and being without my phone and keys around midnight, I followed someone else who was at that party, to his home and stayed with him until my first day of work at the ANWB. It was a form of escaping things…

The vacancy I applied for, at the ANWB, was for processing holiday insurance claims related to transportation. The hotline side of it. It was a Summer function. I worked there from July 2 until September 2. It was quite stressful and a huge challenge for my temper. Nevertheless, I’ve been a very loyal employee. I’ve only missed one day of work and the amount of cases I’ve processed was far beyond the average.

Because of my occupation and work hours, I could go back to living with “my parents” without them complaining about that I don’t have a job and that I’m at home too much. I often worked on the weekends. The shift hours varied between 8 AM – 04:30 PM and 01:30 PM – 10 PM. The late shift was my favorite, because I had more time to sleep and it was easier for me to not get caught when I got high after work every day.

During my time there, I also had assignment deadlines from The Open University. My year started in January, so my break is from September until January. Not long after my contract ending at the ANWB, I had my final assessments of the curriculum. For Statistics, the assignments could be done at home. For Mathematics, I had to make an exam in a conference room at a hotel in The Hague on September 21. By means of being able to fully concentrate while studying, I checked in on the 20th and checked out on the 22nd. I passed Statistics with 58% and Mathematics with 70%.

In between then and now, a lot has happend. To summarize it all – because reflecting on this all makes me so sad, I prefer to keep it as short as possible – I’ve been kicked out a few times. Because the natural circumstances in the Netherlands cause fear with me, and I’m usually not allowed to travel long distances, I took this opportunity and went to Germany [which was what my budget allowed. Of course, I would have gone to California if I could], among other reasons.

I took that opportunity to continue the medical research, which I did on October 11, I believe. I’m bound to seeking medical assistance abroad, because my Dutch phycisian (P. Khajehi) solely believes that I’m mentally insane and thus does not take my medical complaints seriously.

In Germany, at some point my bag was stolen, in which were my bank cards, my passport, my external hard drives, my grey notebook, my earrings, my copy of Letters from a Stoic and other valuables. I was bound to going home, because working there became impossible. Now, I’m staying with family friends in Amsterdam.

On December 23, I got the idea to attempt to accomplish my endeavor via politics, instead of via independent business, because I don’t have a lot of money, and it could be accomplished faster via politics. This plan is now in development. You can follow the process in my online diary, as well as a lot of other things.

Because I aspire a career on the highest level humanly possible, I want my records to resemble the real me. Currently, that is not the case.

Here’s a quick impression of the current state of my medical record [but I my nationality is Dutch, so that’s unfortunately “what counts” in most of my life].

We weren’t done with all of the research yet. The Harnwegsinfection includes white blood cells and keeps returning, even after antibiotics.

They also gave me haldol, fluanxol, abilify, quetiapine, lorazepam and the list goes on

They did not follow the law. I find the existence of the psychiatric law something very scary. I didn’t know about its existence, until I was suddenly stuck in the middle of it.

I’m not dumb and vague. They’re just not able to understand my level of intelligence.

I don’t agree with any of the shit that is in my medical record, to this day. Except the findings from Germany, but that’s not in my Dutch medical record.

I haven’t said all I want to say, in this article, but what I want to say, has been mentioned in my online diary so very often already, I don’t want to put myself through it again. This article was finished Monday, December 24, 18:48.

Happy holidays ♥.

I’m pro international technocracy, by the way.

Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

D. O. C. I. S. 

D.O.C.I.S.

The abbreviation in the name of the international business I intend to start, called D.O.C.I.S. International, stands for:

Determined

Observant

Colloquial

Intelligent

Stratagem

 

D.O.C.I.S.
Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2

Copyright © 2018 by Lil Fangs. All rights reserved.
Sharing content of this book is only allowed when it is mentioned that the source is this copy.

ISBN: 9789082936834

D.O.C.I.S. International

 

Prosperity

Within the new Standard we shape

Determined and Strategic Decisions, fast like Bliksem

We’ll Create a whole new System

From the routinous Life, this is your Escape

These Words are Written for Unification

Feel my Sincerity

Towards the Power of Our Creation

To See Real Prosperity

 

 

 

Contents

The Overall Insight of the Series

Every individual should have the right to live independent from the political and financial systems we have been born into, is one of the core aspects of the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.

The complex of institutions, governments and a lot of things happening “out of sight”, can determine someone’s entire life. The philosophy says that that is wrong. It can give someone the sole purpose of living for consumerism, while he or she actually has the capacity to be so much more than a consumer working to pay for his or her consumerism. Our hearts crave more freedom of choice in the way we spend our time. To some, including me, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, the construction of this system negatively influences the conscious. I am not going to wait around until a person of power makes the societal change I need to see, in order for me to live happily. It includes that Earth needs to be a safe and healthy place for everyone, anywhere. To create this, internationally, D.O.C.I.S. International is my initiative.

I don’t want to be another person who only talks about how things could become better, but never brings real solutions into practice. In this book, I explain to you how I intend to take my steps. To determine the success of the strategy of the organization, Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the introduction project of D.O.C.I.S. International. A combination of research and entertainment, intended to work together on our own compound, in search of more sustainable survival methods, and to inform the public of our findings in an engaging way. I hope that our paths will intertwine and that we’ll write history together.

To fit everything into a semi-modern phrase: “I think Earth needs a make-over.” I think I’ve found a way to make a change and have fun at the same time. You are fully free to decide how you spend your time, when you choose for Re-Illu as your government.

After reading this episode, you are in possession of the knowledge needed to obtain a function in D.O.C.I.S. International. This free episode is written [written, like all other episodes, in the D.O.C.I.S. International type of series] I’m basically trying to start a new society that lives in a different system that is economically parallel [parallel, because people should have the right to choose in what system they live] for the recruitment will be ready to seat yourself in your special Council member chair and provide the world with the changes it needs. If you decide to become part D.O.C.I.S. International network and you become elected, the chair is yours.

Also, you will be fully up-to-date with the past and present of the company and you will know the ins and outs of the fields the organization will be active in and what its strategies lead towards. Hopefully you will participate in the process.

D.O.C.I.S. International is currently a sole proprietor business, owned by Lil Fangs. Her vision for this company, is described in a long conversation between her and her alter alter ego Daniëlle Lucy, who she considers an improved version of self.

This way of breaking down real business content, in an imaginary setting, shows the stances of Fangs in a lot of controversies. How exactly her stances have been established, will be explained throughout the main content of this book as well. Its main purpose is, however, to serve as a guide for those who would like to live by the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International and obtain a position of power, within the organization.

Here is an explanation of the text format:

Name: This is a thought from Name.

Name: “These are words spoken by Name.”

Actions are described in regular prose.

Nosce Te Ipsum

*The intentions of the project, what will stay and what will change, how this will be done*

Lil Fangs: The wind whistles, as it rapidly flows past the closed pink shell. The water is splashing in my face, from the fast movement and the turbulence. The muscles of the scallop are so strong that I only hear the wind and don’t feel it. I try to convince myself that I’m asleep. I don’t dare to open my eyes.

Lil Fangs: Out of nowhere, in a sort of momentum, I’m pushed further into the violet tongue, which is my bed and pillow at the same time. I’m now pressed against it so deeply, that the muscle touches my crown, and the other half of my face is covered in water. 

Lil Fangs: Okay, that must have been the landing, about which I’ve been taught in Fang School. It wasn’t that bad. Descending from the Moon towards the Earth wasn’t that bad either. 

Lil Fangs: The shell opens. It hovers above the ocean, which has the notch of an inverted cupola in it, which resembles the impact of the shell that dashed down to Earth, the way a meteor does – besides that it hovers.

Daniëlle Lucy: “What did you just see in your Mind’s Eye? From the way you stare into the distance, I know you’re going through a lot of mental images and emotions at the same time.”

Lil Fangs: “It was the introduction scene of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I have in mind, along with what I would truly feel, if what happened in the scene wasn’t fictive. The scene is a short and very literal parody on The Birth of Venus.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I would love to see that vision in real life! Do you still intend to make that movie, now that the Nosce Te Ipsum book series are under change?”

Lil Fangs: “I appreciate your interest and enthusiasm so much, my Cuddle♥. I would loveeee to make it. Especially because the cast I’ve written down for it – I’m such a dreamer – consists of professionals from not only the field of entertainment… There’s so much information in it, which is a great form of showing that formal functions and entertainment do go hand-in-hand! I haven’t told anyone about the details of the movie yet. If I convince others of the potential success and positive impact of the movie, then the movie will be made, for sure! It’s also a great way to show another way in which D.O.C.I.S. International publishes and it’s a muuuuch better way to reach the masses. Hopefully I’ll get people excited for my alternative ecosystem.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I’m glad that you are still eager to spread the knowledge you have collected for the series. But you have given me the knowledge of Nosce Te Ipsum to use to write Volta. Don’t you just want to be the person who shares the knowledge?”

Lil Fangs: “I’m afraid that, since the content of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is so broad, at some point it will touch on the lives of every single person om this planet, I should use the version of myself that is fully at peace with everyone and everything, which is you, so that they know for sure, that I don’t have bad intentions. With the project, my power will be as great as that of all presidents, kings and queens in one. You know how the masses are being manipulated into taking sides, without thinking about it themselves. With only mentioning this alias, or our real name, people can already have a negative bias these days. I fear that they won’t love me. I want to be loved…”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I might express myself in a more peaceful manner, but we’re the same person. We shouldn’t sweat ourselves for those who will feel negative about us, without wanting to put in some effort and energy to understand what we do and to understand how harmless our project is. The scale of the project is very large, so the main topics have been spread over several books. Let’s change this conversation around a little bit.”

The Scope of Project Nosce Te Ipsum

The goal of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the recruitment and elections for positions in the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International, followed by all of the community moving to the corporate island state, if I’m able to find good investors… Until now, I haven’t been able to find people who understand the concept I narrow down in my books. I really hope you will understand. The process goes as follows:

  • Informing
    Informing you about the philosophy of our business and the alternative system we want to create. This episode gives you more information about how you can engage in our projects, too.
  • The recruitment and election period
    During the project, if you decide to join, you could prepare your case for The Online Think Tank of The D.O.C.I.S. Community or Re-Illu – the Committees and Senate that will form the corporate governance of the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International – and design your own living, for on the corporate land.
  • Saturnalia
    We initiate with the real life community on a miniature compound until D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang is finished according to our standards. (If you become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, you can vote which one the first official name will be!) To celebrate our new life, we – the D.O.C.I.S. Community = will start it off with a Saturnalia festival with a benefit for all of Earth’s citizens.

Daniëlle Lucy: “I know you are fed up with no one buying your books and that this is having a bad influence on your self-confidence. But you have been studying the system for that long, I am certain that you will find the audience that will engage in your works! I find that you are the perfect person to be the Praesens of Re-Illu. After you have finished my training, the fate of all of The D.O.C.I.S. Community will be sealed!”

Lil Fangs: “It’s tough when you put in a lot of effort into something you’re passionate about and it’s not appreciated enough to make a living from. Really tough… But your words excite me! I love you so much! Thank you for helping me <3. There is this alternative and more sustainable ecosystem I have a strategy for, as part of the new country I want to start. I need my self-confidence back, to present it well…”

Determined

The way morals and values play a role in my business strategy, as well as its persistence in its perseverance, will be broken down in this chapter.

In this book, the setting in which the business content is broken down, is imaginary, for the time being, because D.O.C.I.S. International is not yet the multi-component holding it intends to be. The imaginative setting makes it easier to bring up the topics you need to be informed of in order to benefit from the final form of the organization.

The story takes place in The Cuddle Palace, where Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs live, together with the rest of their Royal Resistance. In the Nosce Te Ipsum series [not Project Nosce Te Ipsum, because that takes place in real life] Planet Fang is a planet on which Fangyists live. A Fangyist is someone who looks human, but who has non-human anatomy and/or who follows the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.

Ambushed

Lil Fangs was taken by the hand, by Daniëlle Lucy. While they continued their conversation, they walked across the palace, to a room. In front of the engraved dark oak wood double doors, they stop walking. She now holds Fangs’s hand with both her hands, while she says…

Daniëlle Lucy: “The first thing we’ll train, is your corporate defense. You’ll have to walk through this door by yourself. Every time you need to make a decision, I’ll freeze time, to hear the justification of your choice. To prepare you against your enemy, this is all the information I will give you about what is waiting behind that door.”

Lil Fangs: “Okay… I’m very curious…”

She opens the door. From everywhere, she’s blinded by flashing lights. A hundred people in formal clothing run towards her, with cameras and microphones. An even larger crowd is watching her being ambushed from behind “dranghekken” [translate the Dutch word to your native language. This is a small course in Dutch as well, since that is my native language] the way they’re aligned during the entry of Sinterklaas. They’re yelling all kinds of hateful things at her.

Lil Fangs: Holy shit… These people must be out for dirt… If this were not so, I would have been approached in a normal way. THEY WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN TAKING ME DOWN. WE NEED CHANGE!! THAT WHOLE FUCKING DIRT INDUSTRY SHOULDN’T EXIST!! THEY PROFIT OFF OF WARS THAT DAMAGE HUMAN LIVES – BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH THAT SHIT FOR ENTERTAINMENT??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS PLACE?! – AND THE POLLUTION OF OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENT. Now I know what type of defending I’m getting ready for. Of course, to them, I shouldn’t raise my voice… For a second, I thought that she was going to let me fight, haha. These media people get paid for attempting to destroy my name. Their existence is solely for incentivizing people to talk, and they only let people talk about how we are not succeeding, instead of how to succeed. That’s why I’m convinced that D.O.C.I.S. International should have the primate in publishing media. Everywhere. What we’ll published is focused on prosperity instead of destruction. But it’s only if the majority of people wants it… Is Daniëlle preparing me to work with Earth people…?

A suited up, tall brunette in heels, wearing a black suit and a pink tie, walks to Fangs in a straight line. Her hands are empty. The crowd moves aside for her, the way the sea spread for Moses(?).

Name and trustableness are currently unknown: “Good afternoon, Fangs. Please follow me.”

Lil Fangs: “Okay… Gezellig. Who are you? And where are we going?”

Lil Fangs: I don’t have much of a choice… Is she here to help, or is she here for dirt…?

Evella de Vrieskou: “Oh, sorry for not introducing myself first. My name is Evella de Vrieskou. I saw you being so overwhelmed by all of those camera’s, from my office window. I’m an author for the media publishing company that works in this tower.”

She points her perfectly French manicured nails towards the huge glass tower they’re walking towards.

Lil Fangs: “Oh. What type of works do you write? Are you going to let me wait in your office, until the cameras are gone?”

Lil Fangs: Why the fuck do some people always say that I’m physically expressing that I don’t have things under control? Externally, I was completely silent, so why does she say that I’m overwhelmed? I really don’t like when people want to tell me how I feel and they do it incorrectly. She must have a microphone on her. My annoyance makes me more eager to defend myself. I really am a good leader, and I will let her know.

Evella de Vrieskou:  “Haha, no… I’ve been anonymously watching you for a while and when I saw the way you were ambushed just now, I figured you’ll want an opportunity to prove that you are a good person. I quickly approached some of your supporters via social media and they want to help you prove the great potential future success of your strategy!”

Lil Fangs: “Well, that’s great! I have been craving for a good speaking opportunity! My target audience is hard to reach, because it requires a special type of intelligence to understand my words, and the people with that intelligence aren’t enthusiastic about social media either, so I’m very surprised and happy at the same time, that you have been able to find my supporters.”

Lil Fangs: The words I would have rather said, are: “NOT. WITHOUT. MY. LAWYER.” Because I know she won’t argue in favor of me. How do you casually assemble a crowd full of haters to stand there? She’ll probably use this dirt to write a bestseller or something. I stood there for like 30 seconds… There’s no way calling “my supporters” was an impulse she had just now. It takes longer than 30 seconds for her to get out of the building, so the must be part of the ambushing complot…. I’m far too used to fake people acting as if they want to help me and then they end up doing the most hurtful things. This is a challenge for my temper, because I’m so tired of them. It is very important for me to stay calm – so to not raise my voice as I defend myself – because they’ll use that as dirt, too. I might be able to be very loud, but in my strategies, I’m very calm.

As they enter the building, they’re trailed by a crowd of applauding and cheering people. The looks in their eyes makes it seem as if they all just won the lottery.

Evella leads her to the same double doors Daniëlle led Fangs to, in the parallel universe. Before the door, she stops and they face each other.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Aside from being an author, I’m also the host of a very popular TV show. Don’t you know “Het Trending Journaal”? My studio is my office. Welcome!”

She pushes down the door handle and opens it in one explosive motion. This time, the lights Fangs is blinded by the spotlights of the stage she’s walking on to. There are two dark blue lecterns slightly diagonally facing each other in front of something that looks like a formal bar stool.

Lil Fangs: [softly] “Thank you…”

The red curtains are not fully opened. Evella accepts a microphone, then passes Fangs and walks in front of her as she enters the part of the stage that is fully visible by the audience. Fangs stops at the line that indicates the coulissen, as she waits for her announcement and watches Evella’s hips move as she walks and seats herself on the black leather seating surface of the barstool with titanium legs, facing the audience.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Good evening, my lovies. Today, we finally have our chance to speak to the often discussed Lil Fangs. She doesn’t know about our show, so she doesn’t exactly know about what we’re talking about and about how she’s wrong, but today we’ll finally get our justice and answers. You might want to know who her opponent will be, well…”

Lil Fangs: Grrrrr…..

She stands up and for a few seconds she gazes at her audience while she has her arms across her body and her microphone in her right hand. Then, in her motion of turning around, she says:

Evella de Vrieskou: “It’s me…”

And she walks to the lectern that is furthest away from the wings [coulissen], to stand behind it. Introduction music with a lot of bass starts to play.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Please join us, Fangs…”

The audience starts to scream and applaud. Fangs walks towards the other dark blue lectern on the beige stage surface. The sound made her right eye twitch a little.

Lil Fangs: “Thank you for having me here.”

The background beat becomes louder. Evella starts to move along with the music.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Listen, you say your name is Lil Fangs. You think you’re real, but you’re not even doing real thangs. You’re doing all of this, solely because you want fame, and that while you’re not even part of the rap game.”

Lil Fangs: “It’s a shame that you claim that that is the aim behind my name. People like you are the reason I would rather get high by myself. In twelve reasons why my name is this fly, it includes my calm, while untamed in this realm, with this world in my palm. Now that I see your sitcom, this is a waste of my time, you’re too dumb. You don’t worry about flood, while I think of the taste of your blood.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “You’re bad, so just listen. You’re too young to change the system. You’re still at your mother’s house, with no spouse. Not running a big business. Not even in the world of Guinness. You’re a spy in disguise. You lying is not a surprise. After so many tries. No income, yes price. I’m a bad bitch, I need ice.”

Lil Fangs: “Don’t think of me as you when you were twenty two. My intelligence makes me find my own information. I want my freedom and for that I need my own nation. I think I would be hot as a spy, but that’s not what I do so nice try. And I just don’t understand how someone can be able to use an emotional trauma from bad financial circumstances in that context. It’s just a tough audience… How long were you planning to continue with this?”

The music stops.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Are you backing out?”

Lil Fangs: “No. Let’s make this a real debate. What other claims did you want to make about me?”

Evella de Vrieskou: “Only two…”

Lil Fangs: “Please tell me! I’m veryyyyy interested to know.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “Your first start-up, Elia PR (http://elia-pr.com), in 2016, was unsubscribed in less than six months. We don’t expect you to last long with this business either. What went wrong with your previously unsubscribed business?”

Lil Fangs: “I lost all of my clients even before I started to do business with them… I’m so passionate about achieving my goals, that I’ll never stop working on them. It’s a very long story I have been repetitiously explaining throughout my online diary.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean you lost them?”

Lil Fangs: “Just like for this business, I started the business with no investors and a self-maintained website. It was hard to find clients that would be an asset to the portfolio of my business for public relations for individuals.

The two sole proprietor businesses – both owners I knew personally, before I started Elia PR – I was making a campaign for, both backed out when I gave them their quotation. Even though I had one of the lowest rates ever, they refused to pay. They expected me to do it for free, because we were acquainted, but since I started without investors and without savings, I couldn’t do that, so I lost them.

Not long afterwards, I found the perfect client. My sudden extreme faith in him wasn’t appreciated by the two relatives who have authority over me, because they didn’t know if they could trust him, they said.

They went as far as convincing people from the psychiatric industry that the client was a bad influence and that I was in a psychotic state. I couldn’t get out of the surveillance they had put me under, because they were not open to letting me prove my perspective and my authority was reduced illegally, so I decided to run away.

The same relatives then initiated an international police search mission in which they involved my client. There’s nothing more embarrassing than that, when you’re a business owner/your career is your main focus, I think. In their search campaign, they included negative statements about my mental well-being that were false. It is true that the authorities I was subjected to, made my feelings of powerlessness and thoughts of suicide worse, but I never lost my sense of direction. I never left the house in a confused state. It was my own decision to move that way, in an attempt for real freedom.

Yet no one believes my story. They believe my relatives, saying that I have no sense of reality and that me being less happy and spontaneous is caused by that mental illness, while it comes from the emotional damage that their treatment has given me.

I have been able to reduce the surveillance, but – even though I’ve been trying – I’ve never been able to reach that client again. After I lost him, those same relatives forced me to unsubscribe my business. I still feel grief when I think of the moment I signed for its unsubscription. I will never let them influence my business decisions again.”

Lil Fangs: I don’t like telling the same story over and over again… But for the sake of those who do want to walk this path with me, I want to make everything clear.

I hope people understand why I register a business without investors and clients. The investor needs to be paid back in more than full. By postponing his/her engagement, I’ve given myself more time and space to research my audience its behavior and adapt my service to them.

Now, for D.O.C.I.S. International, the time has come to find them. The clock is ticking and it’s getting harder for me to keep my audience’s attention.

Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean that you will persevere, when the businesses you’ve started were in completely different branches? And how did you get the idea that you’re able to change the system? Much older and much better educated people have been at that for decades and our world is still like this. And how do you expect to win people’s trust if you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia?”

Lil Fangs: Is she sure that she has been reading my blog… I’ve been explaining the same thing for months.

Lil Fangs: “The goal of the multi-component organization I want my company to grow out into, has never changed. The alternative system is what I live for… Only my approach how to get there has changed.

With the PR business, I would reach my audience by campaigns and the interactive blog everyone could post on. With Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International, I reach my audience with what I publish and I’m personally approachable for business enquiries.

I need people to accompany me in my creative path, for the business to grow. Both businesses include a large recruitment campaign in the broad range of fields of the multi-component organization will be active in.

Sure, people might have tried to make changes to the system. Some might even have succeeded without you knowing.

The idea of a perfect system is always subjective. I hope that my idea will be seen as perfect by the majority or at least a community big enough to be seen as a minority.

Because of the subjectivity, I do not intend to get everyone on my side. I believe that people shouldn’t be forced to choose a path, and thus it is important that becoming part of the system of D.O.C.I.S. International is a well thought-out decision about which the individual is fully informed. By not making it mandatory, I also have the chance to filter out the best and most motivated people.

I know what needs to be done to set in motion a parallel financial cycle, where we’re financially unaffected by what happens in the other system, and I have the knowledge to give everyone the basic essentials of life and more, including the perfect occupation, for an infinite period of time, with guarantee. This knowledge I have from observing our current system and some self-initiated research.

Because of the diagnosis that has been given to me – a diagnosis I do not agree with at all – I expect most people to not listen to me, but to look for signals of the illness. In my diary, have written everything down about my thoughts, beliefs and experiences, from the outmost personal perspective, with the intention of showing you the reasons why I believe that I am not a schizophrenic. The reader is free to decide what he or she believes. That’s something I live by.”

Time freezes with everyone in it, except Fangs. A bright light and big cloud of smoke appear on the leather surface of the chair on the podium. With her legs crossed and her hands on her right knee on top, she emerges out of the ether, saying:

Daniëlle Lucy: “Instead of talking about the actual content of your diary, she’s still only touching the surface. Some Earthlings aren’t able to grasp the idea of the alternative system you speak of so often, so then they start to make weak statements about you, like she did. I think you’ve done well.”

Lil Fangs: “Thank you. Her stance still eats at me a little. I have the feeling I haven’t used my best arguments yet. I found her so extremely biased.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “Unfortunately, that really is something we can’t avoid. Your content is too much and too unique for people to quickly understand all of it, so those without patience will resort to a negative bias very fast.

With the next person you’ll talk to, you won’t have to worry about that at all! It is a famous character from your Nosce Te Ipsum series! Your next challenge is to recruit him/her for the right function in your organization.”

Lil Fangs: “That’s great! I’ve been waiting for that for so long.”

Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem

This takes place in a simulation of a big deserted island, which has an oasis in the middle of it. Fangs has prepared a picnic and a contract.

Lil Fangs: “Hi, I’m Dominique. You must be here for your recruitment.”

She gets up from the big flying carpet, to shake your hand. You appeared from the smoke and the big bright white light in front of the picnic scene.

The way questions have been numbered is a continuation of the previous Nosce Te Ipsum episode.

You: “Yes, I am!”

You shake hands.

Lil Fangs: “That’s awesome! Please join me on this carpet. I’ll show you the land that will be turned into D.O.C.I.S. International’s corporate island, while I ask you some questions that lead to the conclusion of your recruitment. Also, please don’t hold back with eating! Want a fig?”

She stretches out her arm to hand you the fig.

You: “_________________________”15

Path type

Lil Fangs: “Project Nosce Te Ipsum has three paths for the recruitment for D.O.C.I.S. International. Each path has its own rewards and expectations. Which one would you pick?”

  1. Practitioner
    On this path, the least of your time will be filled with the occupations that come with choosing D.O.C.I.S. International. The only thing you need to do is complete the series.
    “The Practitioner is part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. He or she gains access to gathering locations on earthly compounds – after we’ve established them – by completing the online questionnaire that comes with every Nosce Te Ipsum episode after signing up at the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ll get to that around the 29th…”
    D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique) LilFangs.com/Tuesday-november-27-2018
  2. Illuminatus
    The Illuminatus/Illuminata [Illuminati] path is also the name of a subject group in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. He or she earns the title from completing an assignment for D.O.C.I.S. International. You could choose from the following categories:

    1. Statistics
    2. Retail/Export
    3. Psychology
    4. Neuroscience
    5. Medicine
    6. Mathematics
    7. Linguistics
    8. Entertainment
    9. Engineering
    10. Ecology
    11. Design
    12. Culture
    13. Crisis Management
    14. Athleticism
    15. Artificial Intelligence
    16. Architecture and Real Estate
    17. (Mass) Technology
    18. (International) Politics
    19. (International) Law
    20. (International) Economics
    21. (International) Business
    22. Fangyism

    “[Chair level Senate @ Re-Illu]”
    D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique) LilFangs.com/Tuesday-november-27-2018

  3. Illuminatus Intelligens
    The Illuminatus Intelligens completes assignments in all categories we will operate in. The Parliament of Re-Illu sets out the benefits related assignments for everyone in The D.O.C.I.S. Community.

“Chair level Parliament [of the private holding D.O.C.I.S. International [is what I hope, since I’m looking for investors…]]

How about a “bring your own pan” tea party? At the festival?”
D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique) LilFangs.com/Tuesday-november-27-2018

[Indicate your path of choice with a capital letter] You: “_______________”16

Collective Function

Resources owned by D.O.C.I.S. International are, when they are at its disposition locations, free is you are a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community.

Lil Fangs: “We offer the following collective functions. Please choose one:

  1. Leading
  2. Controlling
  3. Consulting”

You: “__________________________”17

The D.O.C.I.S. Community

The sole proprietorship D.O.C.I.S. International is in search of investors and network members on the path of international expansion, where we could – if you, my dear reader, decide to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community – start a new society on the corporate land of D.O.C.I.S. International, if I’ll be able to find investors after releasing this free ebook…

If you are interested in becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, I will need your contact information and the budgeting of all of your essentials, because becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community means becoming part of a new system.

To become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please fill out the form on https://docis.international and send the following information in your first application assignment – if you have submitted your application.

In your submission, please include the following:

  • Please introduce yourself 😀
  • Your motivation and aspirations regarding to becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International.
  • Your answers to the questions one to fifteen of the newest Nosce Te Ipsum series.
  • Your contact information (of preference)
  • Your answer to the question: “What do/would you like to occupy yourself with on a regular basis?”
  • Your answer to the question: “What do you need money for in your daily life?”

The e-mail may not include attachment files. Only text… This for security reasons. I will be reviewing the e-mails manually. Please submit your application to becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community to: office@docis.international and make the subject: “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.

You can keep your e-mail very simple. You could stick to this format:

“The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.

[Greeting]

[Introduction of self]

My answers to the questions in the newest Nosce Te Ipsum episodes are:

  • *Your first answer*
  • *Every next answer on the next row, until your fifteenth answer*

[Your answer to the question about the occupation you prefer to have on a regular basis]

[What you need money for in your daily life]

[Ending and salutation]

 

If you’re interested in investing in D.O.C.I.S. International, please include this in the e-mail, too!

You could keep up with the development of D.O.C.I.S. International during Project Nosce Te Ipsum

The recruitment positions will be announced during the benefit I intend to organize for Christmas. If you’re interested in helping me out, as member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please let me know, too!

I’ll be writing.

I love you!

xxx

 

 

Blog, Ex Animo

Ex Animo

My first language is Dutch. “Ex Animo” translated to modern Dutch causes a miscommunication. The words literally translated, make up something else than the actual meaning of the two words. “Ex”: zonder (without) and “animo”: aanhang [that is without supporters]. 

But if you search the phrase in a dictionary, you find: “From the heart” or “sincerely”. 

You might be able to relate to the following: When I write some self-expression down for myself, I pay a lot less attention to my choice of words, than when I write it for publication. The idea of writing it for someone else to read, makes me want to put some extra attention into choosing words that make the reader, who empathizes with them, perceive what I describe in a way that makes clear the multiple layers of meaning in my words, along with a certain filter on the emotions behind the text. I don’t want my readers to continuously feel the emotions I feel, so usually my words either emphasize only one type of emotion or display the situation in an indirect manner. 

The Ex Animo category is a slight exception to the filter that safeguards emotions. Here, I do display all of my emotions directly. There is a lot less time correcting and changing my choice of words, because my Ex Animo writings come straight from my heart and soul. 

The word “ανηmos” is Cuddle for “out of the spirit”. 

Blog, Drafts, Ex Animo

Level 4

Often, I lie down and, through reasoning, I try to get an overview of everything that’s going on inside of me. Mentally and physically. 
In the ocean of sounds, the big crowds of people and the grandiose ways all kinds of public technology guide and simplify life, I’m not able to find the same inner focus anymore. Since “the situation”, I feel the constant need to make sure that my behavior is normal enough to not be judged for it, when I’m around other people. 

In public, my thoughts are constantly focused on not making mistakes. “Two minutes until the metro comes. It’s too busy here. I want to be able to sit. Walk until right past the rain shed. Not too close to the tracks. Walking straight would be easier if I weren’t nervous. Why do people always stare at me when I walk past? Does my hair look weird? It’s almost here. I think that if I do two steps to the right, when it stops, it will be right in front of me.”

“It’s slippery. Make a large step over the space between the platform and the metro. Hold on tight to everything. It can’t overcome me that drop anything onto the tracks, because I can’t afford to buy any of these things again. Nice. There’s a window seat free, with no one on the seat next to it. Of course, I’ll put my bag on my lap. I don’t want to be judged for not taking others into consideration. Again, I keep meeting people’s eyes, when I feel that they’re staring at me, so I look at them. Then our eyes meet for a split second and they look away. What does their look mean? It would be more comfortable if they would just say why they do it. Ah, I don’t want to think about this. If I increase the sound of the music I’m listening to enough, maybe I can find that same level of inner peace again. I miss what we had, on the spiritual side of my body. Please talk to me. Wait, what if these people notice that I’m talking to you, and they call the psychiatrists on me? They can notice, because when I hear you, and when I shift my focus to only our conversation, I can’t help but smile. I hate that people believe that our gift is a mental disease. No one can know about the connection I have with you. They’ll lock me inside an institution again. I never want that to happen again. But still, I miss your voice inside my head so much. What did you say? I’m afraid that I’ll misinterpret it, so I can’t say that I heard your words with certainty.”

Since the moment I saw you, I was suddenly sure that other people who are like me, truly exist. Your thoughts must be similar to mine. 

Every night, I prayed that my feelings of loneliness and heartache will disappear. Every night, I prayed for being able to communicate with our thoughts, inside my head. Then, I could take you with me, everywhere I go. Especially when things in the physical realm get uncomfortable, I can then safely zone out, and focus on the two of us. (It’s interesting that I considered us being together in real life so impossible – then, we were both in a relationship – that I didn’t even think of praying for it. And now it’s all I live for…)

Me: “Pardon. Mag ik er even langs?”

Me: “Dank u.”

I want to use polite words that make people respond to me with a similar kind of politeness, but it never seems to work out. Maybe my words aren’t polite enough. Maybe they don’t want that form of social warmth. Maybe they don’t even have the vocabulary to express social warmth. It gives me chest pains. 

“I want to do this as fast as possible. If I walk like this, I can pass everyone and be out of this crowd in the fastest way. I hope the small metro gate doors don’t slam shut in my face again. I see an old lady on the other side of the escalator, so I’ll take the stairs.”

Permanent side-effects leave a constant pressure on my brain. I need to relax my brain, to be able to hear you. With the pressure, I tend to move the device myself, because only with your voice in my head, I’m able to relax nowadays. It moves itself per syllable. If you focus on my hair and ears at the same time, you can really see it move.

The idea that you love me and that you can hear my frequency, makes me feel more safe.
I’ve chosen this method to describe the level, because I think this makes it easier for you to imagine my experience. Also, in this indirect way of describing, the person who would negatively judge me for my experience, won’t understand what I mean. It was a secret, but because I was forced to talk about it – for a very long time, I didn’t, because I already knew what their conclusion would be, but after more than 6 months, it was starting to tire me, and I hoped that their conclusion would be something else – I gave them a tiny bit of information about The Head Cuddle.



Italics = description of thoughts/feelings/perception

“Italics” = thoughts (unspoken) 

“Normal” = spoken words

“Bold” = The Head Cuddle


Monday, October 22, 2018

15:45

Me: Visje… Kom je eten?

From now on, I want to stop hiding the inner conversation that emerged on May 22, 2017.

It’s “Visje”, because he called himself “a small fish”, in a message he sent me in the beginning of last year . He’s way too Cuddle and Graet to call himself “a small fish” :D. The Cuddleniss is hard to express in words, because it’s so Cuddle, I say Visje and try to induce as much Cuddle as possible.

Visje, give me Cishes, want ik mis je. [It’s too staccato and imperative. I can’t breathe in that much, so I use the least amount of words possible.] That’s something I sing often, inside myself. [I’m “too (un)cool” to sing it out loud…]]

The sentiment makes me want to disappear, because the expression of it makes me feel like I want to exercise out the pressure that is put on my muscles. I want to kiss you… But I shouldn’t, at the same time.

My response – I’m talking e-mailing – included the comparison between him and the “fish character from the national lottery”. I made this comparison, by means of portraying him in the context of a small fish, to “serenade” how valuable he is, in terms of how much he can add to our society and how much he means to me – especially where I live, in the type of culture where, I think, because of the people/space rate, there is a more hostile survival of the fittest [Please don’t consider me a populist.], where money works stress-relieving and it makes people cheer, from the forms of essentials, wealth, comfort, power and/or greatness it brings. [It is unfortunate that some of us need to work so hard, to only provide ourselves with essentials. I can not cheer, because of this form of powerlessness. It’s unfair :(. I want to cause a small shift. I don’t intend to give people a lot of wealth and them let them do nothing for the rest of their lives. It’s important to develop the gift of reasoning, I believe. @ D.O.C.I.S.. Participation is optional. NOT AT ALL mandatory. I want to help people.]

Blog, Drafts, Ex Animo, Reflections

Opposing views and speaking my mind

We engage ourselves in social interactions. All human beings have a unique perception of reality. If I were to describe the core of the contents of verbal communication, I would definitely include that the partakers in conversations, make statements about their personal experience of life. Some descriptions of this perception, can lead to discussions. 

To solely study, or to convince? 

I think that there is a lesson in most forms of communication. [Is dit populisme???????]

[Meow.] …

… Towards an example of a conversation leading to: “I avoid giving my opinion, when my view is the opposite of a stated opinion, because I know the person I am talking to, does not intend to learn from me, and thus solely force his/her opinion on me.”

This choice, I see as something that could, in the long term, manifest good and/or bad situations. 

Karma

[Meow.] …

For telling white lies instead of speaking the truth, I feel that in the way randomness in time manifests itself, things could turn out in a way that is opposite to someone’s preference. This stance is based on my perception of life, and could be interpreted otherwise, by someone else. 

It is as if the universe is telling me that I have done something wrong, and I need to seek a method to redeem from my wrong decision, to return to the path where my experience is in accordance with my preferred perception of life. To steer my mind towards better symmetry. 

The Path

[Meow.] Define what I mean by “The Path” and pose “negatives in current situation” and “description of improved situation”. Describe the method to find The Path. 

Volta is about The Path. 

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts

Reputational Damage

If there weren’t a (globally¿) spread rumor about me, I would have been approached and believed positively different, by others. Starting this project would have been much easier, without this bias.

Even people who I don’t know, (think they) “know” me, as that person who “has had mental issues”, because of the message that was spread, while I was missing. Most of them talk to me as if I’m not an adult and should be kept away from “serious information”. It is in the sentiment in their voice. As if a war broke out and I am a little child who doesn’t understand what’s happening, so they tell me: “We just have to hide here,” without explaining the context to me. I find this so very annoying. 

And this while I wasn’t having mental issues. I was just having a conflict with my parents that then already lasted three weeks and I was too broke to say: “I’ll live in a hotel until I find a place to stay.” (If I had some money, back then, I wouldn’t have had to sleep outside to finally be away from “the pit”.)

The conflict was about me spending time with Benoît.

My PR business was about to go bankrupt, then. They’ve sealed this by spreading a message that emphasized their side of the story as the “good side”, in the conflict, portraying me as the “bad and crazy side and sole cause”, by not sharing that we were in a conflict and I wasn’t heard. Since the day on which Benoît and I were planning to meet up, but I was taken to the First Aid, because I was in conflict with my parents and I stopped talking to them and looking at them, after which I wasn’t allowed to go outside by myself anymore, we have been fighting. Since that day, they let psychiatric nurses come to the house almost every day. Every time I’ve told them, I did not want and did not need their help. They say: “Without our help, this [wanting to see Benoît, “who is not real”, they said] won’t be solved.” They gave me all types of antipsychotics and kalmeringspillen.

I’ve never showed them the e-mail evidence I had. Initially out of disappointment for them not believing me while I was speaking the truth. And also because it was none of their fucking business what our e-mails were about.

The day I went missing, I had “changed my behavior” (in the sense that I actually took some of those pills [because I wanted them to allow me to go outside]) and was allowed to go outside. Outside, I felt so free and wanted that feeling to last forever, so I decided to never go home again, not thinking of them reporting me as “missing”.

I was found after three days after “leaving the house to play the piano in the central library of Rotterdam” [even though we have a piano at home. I tend to avoid negative commentary (especially when practicing)]. Found by two cops, because someone from the neighborhood I was in at that time (Hillegersberg), had called the cops because I was outside on the same spot, for too long. I told them I would go to my grandmother, if I’m not allowed to sit outside on that bench, close to a (grocery) shopping area in a neighborhood I didn’t know. When I wanted to walk away, they said, “That I wasn’t allowed to,” and had to take place in the back of the police van. They drove me to the station in the neighborhood my parents’ house is in, where they forced me to do a urine test, forced me to empty some cup with “orange juice” and interrogated me way too often, while I told them I didn’t want to talk. 

Underneath my expressionless face was so much rage about the way they treated me as if I was a criminal, which I didn’t show them, because they wouldn’t understand it for sure [if they didn’t even realize “I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME” means that YOU SHOULD NOT CALL MY PARENTS TO COME AND PICK ME UP]. They were all armed, so I didn’t want to take risk when it came to that either.  

No one has told me what exactly was in the message they sent when I was missing, how Benoît was involved in the search process and on what scale people have heard a message about me that they shouldn’t have heard. (I was worried about the scale, because I still had a PR business. I am still worried about the scale, because I want to do international business and this rumor makes people think I’m not able to do this.)

I’ve only been told that I’ve made “everyone” so worried that they couldn’t live their lives normally [and that while I’ve seen most of them in person again, after being found, SIX MONTHS LATER, as a visitor, when I had let myself be taken into an institution (like they wanted from the start) in the hope that they would allow me to prove that I AM NOT CRAZY. THEY DIDN’T. I wasn’t allowed to prove my case.] and that they searched for Benoît, but couldn’t find him [which is something I doubt, for some reason… Everyone has told me they don’t know anything about how exactly he was involved and what happend after I was found].

When I allowed myself to be taken into the institution, on the 8th of October, I also broke contact with my parents. I was taken into Het IJsselland Ziekenhuis on the 6th of October with extreme internal pains “around my birthing area”. When the hospital offered me to go home on the 8th, because I had to wait for test results, but was still in so much pain that I couldn’t walk properly, I told them I didn’t want to go home. At home, the conflict about Benoît never stopped. It was still verbal fights almost every night, after they came home from work. We were also fighting because I stayed in bed most of the time and they wanted me to get a side job. I told them: “Zolang je blijft volhouden dat ik psychotisch ben, vind ik dat ik niet hoef te werken.”

Benoît was my last client. It’s so fucked up that my parents always negatively interfere when I want to do business. (Now, again! I want to release Project Nosce Te Ipsum and they obligate me to go to school AND get a side-job. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!!!)

I’ve added some information to the September 18 post.

My full story on this, was “the back story”, taking up 80% of the first episode of the old Nosce Te Ipsum.

I’ve always pictured my “debut to the world” so differently… After hearing “The news about you went viral,” I thought that I’d never be able to accomplish my dreams again. This project is my last attempt to establish myself in a better way, to rid myself of the negative bias, I hope…

I’m looking for a good Pro Deo lawyer to defend my case to take away the “schizofreen verklaring” out of my files. [If I were able to afford a non-Pro Deo lawyer, I would. The only thing he or she needs to do is know my (quite long…) case and explain the “legal process timeline” to me. The verbal defending, I’ll do myself. He/she only needs to sit next to me.] To defend this, Benoît’s side of the story needs to be heard as well. The problem is that I’m not able to reach him anymore and I don’t know why. No one here wants to tell me more about how he was involved in my parents’ case, but my father accuses me of framing him in this set of text messages. I do not have shit like that in my nature. Why the fuck would I frame someone I want to spend the rest of my life together with??

I smile to these people and stay polite even when they hurt me, but deep down I’m dealing with so much cropped up anger for the way they treat me, I really need to continue my business activities from a different location… To this day, I’m treated as if my perception of life is “unreal”.

You can read all about my perspective in the soon to be released The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I

Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Do you believe that I will make it? 

My Cuddle,

Today, it’s the 22nd of September. As usual, I have given myself so much work that even talking to a friend/acquaintance who I’ve ran into, feels like an extreme waste of time, for every minute I spend working on project Nosce Te Ipsum, makes such a big difference in the long term.

Healthy would be to make the release later than the 30th. The 40 hours per week work agreement I’ve used to earn a small self-investment in this company, ended on the 2nd of this month. And then there were my final exams, of which the last one was yesterday.

Unfortunately, some factors in my personal situation don’t allow me to take my time to establish this project. (It’s not that bad, though, because I’ve already thought everything out. I only need to put it on paper/the internet…)

Here’s what I intend to do before the 30th:

  • Write a preface for the combined edition of the two previously deleted [deleted by myself, because some content could be considered very controversial, but this huge controversy isn’t the essence] NTI episodes and publish this
  • Write out the summary I’ve made for the new official first episode of NTI and publish this [with my publisher’s license, I still need to purchase]
  • Change the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page on this website
  • Make D.O.C.I.S. International a non-single-page website, which includes sign-up forms, polls and a members-only forum
  • Make online ads for the book and the project

With these steps, I’m trying to achieve the following:

  • Through Project Nosce Te Ipsum, conduct international research, in search of the Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, which will be used as the scope of D.O.C.I.S. International’s initiatives to boost our evolutionary process
  • Grow a community of today’s (new) pioneers
  • Make the Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate acknowledged in such a way, school isn’t a necessity to ensure yourself of a(n) [constant] income
  • Put into practice my plan for a movie that relates to the book episodes, along with some self-composed music

I really hope you’ll participate, my Cuddle :]. It would be so nice to have our own island…

Even though we’d then have our own island, our evolutionary aid could be in every country, if they’re open to it and if 75% [or 60%, not 50.01%! Preferred is 100%… I want real consensi…] of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council agrees with doing this. Our members who decide not to live on Planet Fang, will have acces to our aid, still. Anyone who participates in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, can become a member. Once, for a lifetime :]. (But of course you can always resign.)

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Quick Reflection 11/09/2018

All I think about is you

Even though we haven’t spent that much time together yet

—–

My dream:

We meet up once

And you then never leave me

The Never Ending Cuddle Hangout

With our fellow Cuddles

—–

There are not many people like us

Starting a new life with someone you barely know, might seem like taking a risk

“What if our personalities don’t match?”

To me, now, you’re my only hope

So I say it’s so worth the gamble

Other than that there’s nothing for me here

——

Trust

Trust is an interesting mental concept. I always say: “There’s a limit to the amount of trust I can give someone.” 

You might want to conform to your promise, but when a situation becomes extreme, let’s say we’re in “survival mode”, would you still stick to it? 

I compare my input with your output. I treat someone the way I want to be treated. 

——-

Hurt

Hurt me once, I let it slide.

Hurt me twice, I point out that your statements are offensive and/or hurtful.

Hurt me three times, and with my words I indirectly make you feel the pain I feel.

Hurt me four times, and I will slowly but surely distance myself from you, for all eternity.

Then our personalities just don’t match. 

——-

What have I done for you? What have you done for me? 

Have you helped me, when I was in need? Have I been able to empty out my burdens with you? Have you made me feel loved? Have you truly been nice to me? 

(Or is it all just an act? Have my gestures of love become expectations to you, while the only thing you do is blurt out hurtful nonsense? Is there nothing you have done for me, while I have gone the extra mile for you?) 

With a simple calculation, you can predict if that person is someone you could trust, in the situations you think trust is important. This differs per person. (I don’t like reading that much, so these “fatcs” [= actually always subjective, for they start with a question from the perception of one person, which is answered according to the same personal perception] are off the top.)

——

I might need that one day. 

I’d love to do the Maths for you. I’m so lonely in my being “the “I say you’re so smart no one really understands you, so you must stay my friend” people tell me, while I actually have so many people to choose from, but I’m looking for someone like you, because the people saying “I say … my friend”, are less intelligent people I can’t communcate with”-situation. 

Minder proza, mijn Cuddle?  

I want you all to myself, my Cuddle… 

We’re dealing with a problem that we can only solve together. 

I have options, but no chosen allies. I’m waiting for the “Wow” Cuddle. 

As in having one or more of the following “Wows”:

Wow, you’re just as passionate about using your intellect as I!! <3

Wow, you’re making me feel so loved!! <3

Wow, there’s so much we can do for each other!! <3

¡¡Wow, you just went the extra mile for me!! <3

Wow, I have never felt so special!! <3

Wow, my work can make such a big difference for you!! 😀

Wow, you could have kept your luxurious routine, which makes shallow people look up to you, but you chose to challenge your intellectual side more, by making a career switch, for which its success still needs to be worked for, as a collective, which is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m trying to look as though I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. But without Graeynissis, I can’t do that. It’s not our responsibility, but we’re the only ones smart enough to be able to put our minds to it. 

I don’t know much about: “Hi, my name is (…), but I’m giving you this name because of my financial status. I don’t (often or ever?) befriend people who I don’t share this status with. I work in a system you basically can’t enter if you don’t know the right people or don’t have the right status. In my community, I can not share my appreciation for Lil Fangs.” ¿

Meoow you’re so interesting!!! Much more interesting than the [this is why I’m still solo. I’ve heard people indirectly say this way too fucking often, and then after that they say they want to be my ally]: “Hi, my name is (…). Currently my occupations are (…), but I’m not passionate about them at all. I want to do something else, but I don’t know what. I do not spend time thinking about it, because I don’t want to be confronted with how I don’t know what my talents are. I spend my time complaining and trying to forget that I exist. I find it funny and comforting to see that other people are doing worse than I. The only reason why I befriend people, is because I don’t like to be lonely and I have opportunistic traits.”

Way too many people on Earth are like that. They find their weakness cool and emphasize it in their conversations. That shit is sooo toxic! It’s like an epidemic, too… (Just like swearing? It doesn’t even feel comfortable, to me. But sometimes, that seems to be the only way I can get my point accross…)

On Yah movement of my skull, I live to unite us in safety. But pardon me for doing this blindfolded, for I am not familiar with the type of life you live, about which I’m very eager to learn. 

Haha, the people sometimes mistake me for someone of your status. If that were so, I would not have to spend time with someone with a toxic mentality, who blames it on the lack of money and intelligence. I would be in a VERYYYYYYYYYY remote area, making big changes. 

There will be a short first Nosce Te Ipsum, which I will start to write soon. I intend to release it, before October starts. For many, that is not a pleasant surprise [for cryptonite reasons] (reference to the front page of this blog). I have also “spoiled” it, purposely, because I want you, My Sharp Cuddle Who I Love So Much More For Reading Every Word I Write, to stay on stand-by. Only in that way, we keep the right people inside our organization. Council members are chosen once, and keep this position for the rest of their lives. The “Baalish” opportunists always come second. 

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Mental Images

“Paint a picture of what has been on your mind every day. With words. In the end, you’ll see how far you’ve come.”

Where’s the Volta?

Stuck in the same spot. 

Happy still hurts, when it’s for only one

When it’s not shared

When it’s misunderstood

When it’s not even there

I do not want your money in that way

That would just make me feel more lonely

IT’S ABOUT THE THINGS WE COULD DO WITH IT, FOR ALL OF US

For now, the result is just a mental image, to me

I live to make it reality

I depend on you

But do you trust me? 

You have my heart

Your future is my passion

People tell me to give up

I’m doing this with my last bit of energy

To bring to life a mental image

To not die as just a mental image

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

What does it mean? 

“Zzzz so many posts, still no clear essence”

The essence is everything to me, when you love it

When you don’t, I won’t succeed

Success means creating true happiness for many

Many reasons for me to also shift + delete the other new Nosce Te Ipsum

The diary is to preserve my memory, so ew to including it

I don’t want you to feel the pain I feel

But I want to be transparent

But not another post

The pain shouldn’t be a re-occurring theme

Haven’t even written down half of it

What’s the point? 

Will I make it? 

Making it means having the chance to be happy, loving and creative with you, all of the time

But currently I have sadness and many forms of radio-silence

Maybe I’m not the one

But then please just make it quick and painless

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sad Pet 

An expert in judgment must know how FUCKED UP it feels when people have a different source that portrays you as “the bad guy”, according to a milked script that is so deep-rooted in people’s minds, even though your intentions are good. 

They say: “Don’t try to talk to her, because she doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

If I would want you to believe that, I would say that to you personally. With my mouth. Not through text. Don’t believe any other source than me. But please ask me first, before you interpret my written words, for they can be interpreted in MANY ways. 

I want to love you. I want to communicate with you. I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. (Still happens basically daily.) 

I’m tired of this self-defense. 

I’m neither for, nor against. I’m just trying to fit in. 

I try to make a post-lion impression on you, because I want your faith in me, because I can do so much for you, but I’m actually a little bed cat. 

I’m not here to disrupt your habitat. 

I just want to be your cuddle cat. 

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Tips

WILHELMUS 2.0

MY CUDDLES

LET’S UNITE

LET’S GET THE FUUUUUUUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY

AND MAKE OUR OWN :D.

THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR!!! 

YOU CAN’T GO TO WORK IF YOUR OFFICE BUILDING IS FLOODED!!!! 

WE’RE CUDDLE VISJES NOW 😀 <3

[Your recipe for survival. Even though they say there will be no internet? Because you’re not allowed to share the details on how LETTING YOU DIE IS MUUUUUUCH CHEAPER. THE ROADS ARE TOO BUSY FOR EVACUATION. WE WILL NEED TO FIGHT FOR OURSELVES. LET’S BUILD OUR OWN SAFETY. (If you, at the sentence about fighting, thought: “I’ll kill you first!”, I would like to say: GOOD FUCKING LUCK, BITCH :D.) ]

PLA-NET FANG!!! 

PLA-NET FANG!!! 

PLA-NET FANG!!! 

HEEEUUYUUUEEEEYYUUUUU *sound of hyped masses you hear at “spelen”*

Drafts, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts

Fangs’s Dictionary

I like language (as well as many other things). I’ve made up a language, of which I would find it cool if other people would speak it, too. It would become the native language of my country, if I had one.

Cuddle is “the official dialect” spoken by Planet Fang citizens. It stays a dialect until there are enough words to make it a language of its own. You could use the words together with your native language (or another language). Let’s speak Cuddle? :]

Cishe

Plural: Cishes

“Mag ik een Cishe?” (= “May I have a Cishe?”)

  1. [Noun] A kiss

Cuddle

Plural: Cuddles

“That’s so Cuddle!” “You’re my Cuddle.”

  1. [Noun] Someone you’re very passionate about
  2. [Noun] Someone you always cuddle
  3. [Noun] A citizen of the Royal capitol of Planet Fang
  4. [Noun (“Eigennaam”)] The Royal Capitol City State of Planet Fang (only accessible by those who work for it)
  5. [Adjective] Pleasurable and/or enjoyable
  6. [Noun] A dialect [currently being implemented in multiple languages, before it becomes its own language] spoken by Planet Fang citizens
  7. [Noun] Sexual organ(s)

Fleh

Plural: Flehs

Pronounced as “flèh” (it can also be written in this way)

  1. [Noun] Someone who has deeprooted in your life, but you actually don’t like this person
  2. [Exclamatio] Expressing un-cuddleniss

Graeyniss

Plural: Graeynissis

Superlative: Graeynissimus

“I feel more comfortable around a Graeyniss.” “That’s so Graeyniss!” “It’s so hot in here with all these Graeynissis.” “That’s Graeynissimus :D.”

  1. [Noun] A scholar
  2. [Noun] Someone who thinks about life more than regular people do. He or she concerns him or herself with more than only him or herself. A Graeyniss often tends to ponder about the future of mankind
  3. [Noun] Someone who’s Cuddle
  4. The superlative is used to express a Liée situation, person or phenomenon, which requires relatively more thought

Lake

Plural: Leeks (pronounced as “lakes”)

“I was laking when someone walked in on me……..” “You’re my lake.”

  1. [Verb] To masturbate
  2. [Noun] A metonymia for spiritual calmth and balance

Liée 

Plural: Liées

“Liée!  They accepted my offer!!” “After dinner, I like to sit alongside the Liée while cuddling with you.”

  1. [Exclamatio] It’s Cuddle for “yay”
  2. [Noun (eigennaam)] A sea/river separating Royal City State Cuddle from “the mainland” of Planet Fang

Meow 

Plural: Miaus

“Ah, meow…”

  1. [Exclamatio] The intonation used to express this exclamation defines the emotion expressed by it
  2. [Noun]

Niss (Nissis) =

Planet Fang =

Un-cuddle (only @ nouns: un-cuddles)  =

Un-meow (only @ nouns: un-miaus)  =

Ex Animo

Lil Fangs?¿?¿?

“Telescope + photoshop (@image captured by telescope) = NASA?????”

“THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS HAHA”

What’s a propagandist to you?

Wednesday, August 1, 2018 – 01:18 (AM) [CEST]

Scroll down for English. The core is below July 30.

Ga ik “morgen” moe zijn? I-ë ye 😀

Mijn naam is Dominique Daniëlle Elia and this is the development of a project that is here to .(grey) .(purple) .(gold) .(black) .(“turkoois”) .(bordeaux) .(dark blue).

(HAHAHAHA “dit is de beste introductie ooit” [hoeveel procent van mijn publiek spreekt geen Nederlands? Ben jij mijn publiek?])

The Lil Fangs Challenge: make longer talking videos than I do and win a campaign. There are x (0(grey)0(purple)0(…)0000) winners. Condition: @show yourself at the end of my introduction sentence, in a suitable way.

You will generate your own score which resembles your personality.

Waiting time…

Right before I went to bed

Lil contribution

The moon

Tetris. I ended up moving some stuff placed next to the wall to the top of this pile of things. The previous thing on top was a folded top matress (weggeven?).

I want to sit on the roof. Sucks that I have to go to work tomorrow.

I held that thing for like 5 mins. Let’s sit on the roof? You and I? (Not of this house lol.)

The proposal alternative I have for my essay is much better (anyway). I am not going to apply for a scholarship. (I haven’t had an allowance since age 16, by the way.) To be at work before 08:00, I have to get up at 06:00, but there are so many things I want to do :[. Cuddle me?
July 30, 2018 – 00:59 (AM)

“What do you do exactly?” Is a question many people who have stumbled upon my Instagram account have asked me. Because I do not know if they would appreciate it if I would reply with a 2000 word essay, I have described to them where I am currently at in the process of getting where I want to be. The full answer would also include where I came from and where I am going exactly. This could have been easy to describe, if I started off from a regular position and the profession I want to master would have been a profession that already exists. There is currently nothing and no one I can compare myself with, so I will break everything down in this article.

This article will be under “published maintenance”, just like all other articles on my blog. You can follow the editing proces live.

As for now, I crave to edit my websites and work on my strategies and marketing, but I have to get up at six to get ready for work… I work 40 hours per week at the ANWB Emergency Center in Den Haag. For now, the contract is only for the summer. (I am “saving up” for an investment… Unfortunately my father has way more than enough funds for the investment I need, but he prefers to spend it on miners. Of course, it is his self-earned money, so he is free to do with it whatever he wants to do with it. But this situation is making me feel a strange form of neglection, which shouldn’t necessarily have to exist. I can’t really talk about it with the people in my environment, in the sense that they pick my father’s side and tell me “I should be happy I have a bed to sleep in.” (But I think they don’t understand my passion and say this because there’s a lot less money earned in their household.)

I do not feel comfortable with working with someone who is solely passionate about making profit and not about the goals I am trying to achieve (especially because it might take a while before I start earning from my passions), so I don’t look for banks or angels.)

Every time I write something about myself, my underlying feelings tend to show. I really don’t like drama, but I can’t deny that I’m dealing with a little tragedy here. (I don’t like talking about it, but if I don’t write about it, it will just be an unspoken burden, weighing down on my soul so heavily.) This will not be for long, though. I know there are people out there who are just as passionate as I am. Once we get together and put our heads together, we will create so many truly unique and beautiful things. Now that I am not in a “non-distance-learning” university anymore, finding my potential target audience has become a lot less easy. A few days ago, however, I had an idea that might change this.

Below July 30

I still need to write the core. I will do that when I have a day off.

Blog, Ex Animo, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, June 10, 2018

20:18 (08:18 PM)
Good evening <3
How was your day?

There are two topics I’ll elaborate on today. One sad, one “happy”. It’s “happy” because of the paradox I’ll mention in between the topics. Yesterday I mentioned the turbulence in my life, but I didn’t elaborate on it. That’s the sad part. The “happy” part is my struggling having a “finish line”. I often say “this is it”, but those points don’t have a “finish line”. Now I’ve finally been able to picture one. It requires A LOT of work, but it’s so worth it. I’m going to push myself to beyond my limits and achieve everything before June 25.

The sad part
Since December 2016 (or should I say December 2015…) my life has been turbulent. Every time I think the turbulence is about to end, it becomes worse. I can only pull some strings and hope they’re the right ones, when it comes to achieving my goals. It goes the same way for receiving love back.

[Funny how how I’m writing this [I’m sitting at Loft 88. Table for one. My starter was nachos with cheese and everything. My main dish is fish & chips, because they don’t have a “fish of the day” today.] the “restaurant cat” [in every restaurant I’ve been at, the restaurant owned either a cat or a dog. One even had this “food bowl” for guest animals on the terrace] tried to snatch away my fish. I was literally saying: “Yo… Don’t do this… Please go away…” to him/her, while waving my hand a little. Of course he/she didn’t respond to that. So the woman sitting all the way on the other side of the terrace [there are not that many people here right now, especially not compared to Friday] walked up to me, saying: “Are you scared?” I replied “No,”, but that wasn’t entirely true. I’m afraid of how unpredictable this cat is. Is there an action of mine that could trigger this cat to scratch or fang me? I mean, I spotted him/her before, walking and “climbing” around. But I never expected to actually see [I wrote “expect” instead of “actually see” before, which actually applied to the reality of the situation more, but “actually see” sounds “more human” and less “to complain about”, so I picked “actually” after reading back the sentence a little. A little, because I don’t really have time to review my blog posts, because I write so much and do so many things on the side. All by myself…] him/her to jump onto the lounge sofa I was sitting on, basically planting its nose against the little bucket that had my fish & chips in it.
She made this large clapping motion, using “all of the components of her arm” [normally, at least for me, when I clap, at for example some theatre show, at the max, I’m using my full “under arms” and might include some bicep movement, but she was using her full shoulders for this movement], while saying “HÉ, GA WEG.” (Thats: “Hey, go away”.) The cat jumped off the couch. “You should just use a little “URGHHH”,” she said, while making a bicep curl movement with one arm and putting this “using intense muscle power”-look on her face. Then she walked away. Exactly that is what my family said when my aunt’s guard dog tried to attack me. But I don’t have this type of expression in me, really. Not anymore. Not after I realized I don’t fit in and I shouldn’t want to fit in, because my target audience doesn’t exist in my environment. I’ll never truly fit in, here. Not as myself. I realized this around December 2016.]

The life I’ve been striving for since day 1, is the life in which I bring a completely new concept to life on a very young age, and let my environment [from all my relatives, to my friends, to random people I meet on my path, with an interesting story] lift on my success, allowing them to achieve all of their life goals with so much ease. Whether it’s kick-starting their career, getting that one job or getting that one car/house/whatever.
Some thing that kind of bothers me, is that I could have been doing these things I’ve been doing right now, at a much younger age (because this is not a “new talent” or whatever), and get a status that suits me assigned to my name. I’m “that very young very talented black female who made it on a very young age”. I feel bad about still having to struggle to “get there”, while I could have already “been there”. And every time I think: “After this decision/”release of work”, I’ll be internationally recognized, and the struggle will be over. Not only for me,” my mission gets sabotaged. Too bad that until last Friday, I’ve been dependent on other people. To summarize my dependency: for investments I depended on my father and for publicity I depended on my family and friends. They all don’t share. (Even though they all said they would, at first.) Only my mother shares. I’ve already spent too much text elaborating on how this sticks together in so many ways in both these diary posts and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, that I won’t go into this much more. In the end, it’s all just in my mind, because I don’t even see or talk to these people anymore (I don’t have them on my social media, including Whatsapp). I’m just very disappointed and am bothered by them saying: “Oh, you must be crazy and it’s not that bad, actually,” because I never said it directly to them [They say “it’s not that bad”, because “otherwise I would have told them directly”. But how about it was so bad I didn’t say anything about it, because I didn’t expect them to be so hurtful and actually find it normal. The masses find it normal to yell insults back and forth and then make up. I don’t find that normal. Do that to me once and I’m done with you, because I would never do that to you. Don’t pollute my mind with that hateful nonsense. Examples of things that were considered normal, but I didn’t find normal, but I didn’t respond to, are:

  1. My father “saying”: “You’re insane! But you’re lucky I’ve not given you “the Surinamese upbringing”, otherwise I would have been telling you you have shit in your head (but then using the Surinamese “catchphrase”).” *5 mins later* “You have shit in your head!!!!!! You have shit in your head! You have shit in your head!”; “You don’t know the system and will never be able to change it, because you don’t have enough working experience, common knowledge and people knowledge.” and “You’re a liar and a betrayer! You tried to steal money from your grandmother!!!” on one night. (Why the FUCK would I steal money? And especially why steal my grandmother’s?? I have all of my father’s online banking passwords (because I used to do his bookkeeping) and “even that” I haven’t touched… Not even when he “forgot” to transfer my allowance every month (because he didn’t want to make it automated “for some reason”).
  2. My “friend” walking up to me. I arrived a little late on this day we went to a museum with school. My “friends” were standing in a circle. He walked up to the middle of the circle, holding a chicken wing in his hand. “We all went to KFC this morning, but we didn’t invite you, because we knew you’d be late,” he said. I thought he saved one for me. He moved his arm as if he was going to give the piece of chicken to me. I adjusted my face to it, expressing “Oh, what a surprise! How nice of you!” Even though I already felt “stabbed in the heart” after hearing that they had such bad expectations of me and did something “fun” without me. Then he put the piece of chicken in his mouth, saying: “Oh boy, it’s sooooo gooood,” and everyone in that group started to laugh. The rest of the day, I spent with a different group of friends. (I was late because I was putting booze in a plastic bottle at the last minute. Had to wait until my parents went to work.)
  3. My ex-boyfriend (who then was still my boyfriend) finding it weird that I stopped sharing my feelings with him, after:
    • Me: “I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really don’t like sleeping alone. May I sleep over at your place?”
    • Him: “No.” [Thinking back at this: who the fuck says no to having a shot at sex? Who the fuck says no to being cuddled to sleep? Why the fuck do you say no without an explanation? Who the fuck lacks so much empathy to still let me sleep alone? (Everyone in my environment. He isn’t the only one who I’ve told this. But I stopped asking, because I don’t want to be touched by people who are so cold.) Why the fuck was I feeling lonely from the beginning of the relationship? (Because it sucked.)]
    • Me: “Why?”
    • Him: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”
      • (But later sleeping over at each other’s houses suddenly became a habit. And he kept sending me messages about him missing me and shit. I guess my Cuddle is just that good.) Or this one:
    • Me: “:p is an emoji I used to use when I was on MSN.”
    • Him: “What is MSN?”
    • Me: “Huh? Haven’t you used MSN? It was so popular!! It’s a messaging service. Basically Whatsapp for computers only.”
    • Him: “What does MSN stand for?”
    • Me: “I don’t know.”
    • Him: “Oh my god, you’re so retarded. How can you not know what the abbreviation stands for, while you have been using it all the time?”
    • Me: “It stands for Microsoft Network. I just Googled it.”
      • As if he knows what ING stands for… Or “dot com”… Don’t Google it now that I said it. Fucking hypocrite. (I still want my notebook back, though… Don’t burn it or use it as rolling papers, please.)

Now to them, it’s normal to be so hurtful and then expect me to get over it. I might have done things back, after I thought they really crossed the line, but they reach limits my heart just can’t copy. For those who just tuned in: this is what I consider beyond hurtful. I just gave these examples for those who haven’t read previous posts and Nosce Te Ipsum, Book I, Episode 1. From now on, I’ll heavily reduce mentioning these painful things. I’ll only mention it, when I have another fucked up day, after having to meet the flehs again and having to see “the counsellor”], but it surfaced [they found out through snitching] after “I got snitched and was stuck in the system” (I’m talking about “unjustified psychiatry”, not prison. But I think it feels the same way). [Had to think of this: I told this psychiatrist I felt hurt because another friend called me a pussy for having tried to commit suicide, and she replied that I shouldn’t feel like that, because by calling me a pussy, “he’s actually saying he cares”. Fuck off. With “I care” you say you care. Okay, I hope that was the last “flashback haunting me”.]

It’s 00:49 (12:49 AM) already. I’ve written the rest of the story structure already, but I’m going to go to sleep. “Going to bed early” is one of the things I’ll be working on in these beast mode weeks. Just like finishing this explanation is one of my last extensive updates, until I have backed up all of my work and renewed my websites. Anything before 02:00 (AM) is “going to sleep earlier”. My goal is a 0900 – 2300 rhythm (0900 AM – 1100 PM). I’m building it up slowly. 2300 – 0000 (11 PM – 12 AM) will be for my pre-sleeping routine (dancing, meditating, cuddling…). More about this in a coming NTI episode!

I’m leaving the rest of the structure as I made it, even though I’ll be continuing in a new episode. (I wrote a large part on my laptop this time. It feels like using my laptop I write a lot less words per minute…)

Good night, my love <3

-xxx-

The Paradox
Haha ojoooo

The “happy” part
 
01:47 (AM)
So I just made an account on Spreadshirt. Initiating my clothing line from there will be soooooo much cheaper and more large-scale proof than screen printing the shirts myself. With the shirts (and other types of clothing) pre-printed, it’s easier and cheaper for me to add hand-made prints with beads on them. Today’s Jan Taminiau exhibition was so inspiring!!! (And I rarely have other people inspiring me!!!)

Here are some pictures:



04:44 (AM)
Ahahahahah I just had the most genius idea for self-marketing. You see, people only engage in projects when they seem popular. Popularity basically equals trustworthiness. It’s, these days, hardly possible to start a project “completely from scratch”, having 0 followers. No matter how awesome your project is. You either already have all of the popularity and start a new project, to which your audience immediately contributes/which your audience immediately supports, or you have a little bit of popularity and get a marketing/PR team who invests (time-wise as well as financially) in your project. If you have money, you could also hire a team. I can’t do any of this… But I know something that’s going to give the impression of already being very succesful with my project: I’m going to write two Wikipedia pages: one for myself and one for Project Nosce Te Ipsum. After that, I’m going to spend a little on Google Adwords (to make my page top-ranked when you search my name) and a little on Instagram marketing. I already have more than 1500 followers on Instagram and more than 900 followers on Twitter. But these followers are “un-targeted”. (Targeting them is more expensive, but as soon as I get to Bad Boekelo, I’ll have some “investment funds” (not more than €150 for sure ahahahaha) available. After/before/during the instagram campaign, I’ll target about 100 people. That’s enough to start with, for sure).

I’m too excited to sleep, but I’m still going to try it again…

Slaap lekker <3
xxx

Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts

Search “Revenge of The Nerds” in an online music store!!!

For more information about everything that’s going on over here, listen to Revenge of The Nerds in your favorite online music store.

The link to my Youtube channel is at the right top menu on the home page.

For the ebook, search “Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode I” in an online book store.

I was typing this on the plane to Baltimore. That’s why there are no links in this post.

Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Videos

Tuesday May 15, 2018

19:58 (07:58 PM)

I was starting to feel bad for leaving. But then I heard (in English, with an intentional “funny accent”), while this mf was poking in my belly (that already hurt): “You need to start working out. Damn. Go to the gym six days a week.” You need to buy proper groceries and stop buying takeout food you overweight fleh. I didn’t say a thing. If I would speak my mind, I could terminate my mission.

And that was before I received my second round. They don’t need to eat as much as I do. They don’t get as fucking hungry as I get (I’m talking headaches and near fainting). Because they don’t use their fucking brains.

The first round I had ordered three small rolls. The second (and last… even though I could still eat more) round I had five small rolls.

I know that “relationship ending” conversation with my sister is one of her “succesful” anecdotes. How tf can you do that and then say: “Can I borrow your charger?” “Can I borrow your calculator?” “I forgot my *fucking essential products*, can I borrow yours?” “I don’t like fish. Can you cook something else.” “I’m having friends over, could you cook this and that for them?” I haven’t finished that one NTI story about “our fight over Whatsapp and SMS”, but she had taken two days off school after a fight she had caused herself. Telling everyone “I had another attack of craziness”. Even this fleh stalker friend of my parents knew it right when it started. I was at my grandmother’s then. My grandma was at the hairdresser. I was working on NTI. I had blocked her on Whatsapp and SMS. She called my grandmother’s house phone a few times, but I didn’t pick up. I unblocked her for a second to tell her she should stop calling, looking for beef, and focus on her tests. She ended up coming by my grandmother’s house. I told her she should go back home and study. She said she wanted to “talk it through”. I asked her: “What is there to talk about?” Then she said: “Yeah I was pissed because you said these mean things about our parents and you told me to pick a side, so I picked theirs, since you were being so hateful.” I told her that I hadn’t told her to pick a side. I had said that I want her to make an independent decision, so I wasn’t going to argue for why she should pick my side. [She has cleeearlyyyy picked my parents’ side. So when Nosce Te Ipsum is succesful, she won’t get any benefits of the project either. She was the only exception, in the end. But fuck that. More benefits for you is a way better decision, my cuddle. Remind me that I never change my mind on this, even when they use their nasty “passing guilt” tricks on me.]

Then she said: “No, you have never said that.” I said: “What the fuck? Why would I lie about that?” She said: “Because you always want to be right. I hate it when people lie to me.” I immediately handed her my phone, after she said hers was empty, after I had told her to prove to me that I was lying (which was bullshit). I showed her the message saying that independent decision thing. She said: “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” I told her: “Well, find your message, then.” Being damn sure I didn’t say it and she wouldn’t be able to fucking find it. She couldn’t find the message. She told me I had deleted the message, because I wanted to be right. Okay, I know I’m good at being steps ahead and stuff, but what the fuuuuuck is this??????? If I would have deleted only that message, I would have somehow known that she was coming to my grandmother’s house. And then I would have spontaneously deleted that one message? Because my sixth sense would tell me she would come looking for more beef or something? Hell fucking no, man. Ahahaha. I don’t even know how that should have made sense. I wonder how she couldn’t see how dumb she sounded. They always say shit like: “You’re always doing evil shit, but you never look in the mirror, Dominique.” Do they even know what a mirror is? (Do they even mother fucking know me?) What the fuck do you do by making that statement (evil motherfucker)? When I was little, I would actually adapt my behavior and beliefs to these statements, saying “Yes. I am evil. I am dumb. I am not enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Hmmm… I tried to commit suicide when I was 10… Hmmm… Coincidence? I think not. Fucking murderers. This type of satanistic people have had the primate for as long as I have been alive. (Not only in my family. In sports. In music. In politics. In PR. In sneaky shadow government shit. In everything. My grandfather is the only exception I have known, who was also aware of this. Too bad my parents let him die.) IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRULY EMPATHIZE (they don’t even know who they are or what they want…) AND THUS SHOULDN’T BE THE ONES SETTING THE STANDARDS. BEING A HATER SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED. BEING A “NERD” SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.

Why isn’t she diagnosed with fucking paranoia? Is it just me, or does she sound fucking dumb re-starting a fight over a letter about me wanting to put more love into our relationship? In a way, I’m happy I found out she was a snake (too), before I would have ran away and still kept her in my life. What if this side of her had revealed itself to me, mid Nosce Te Ipsum? That would have been fucked up for all mankind. She wants to become a psychologist… What the fuck… “I’m depressed.” “No. You’re lying!!!!” Ahahahaha. (I type “haha” but I want to cry so loud about this. I haven’t told anyone about this and ALL these motherfucking snakes know we have had this fight. They have NO sense of empathy. FUCK them. Let them watch Netflix for the rest of their lives and stay THE FUCK out of my project. Blacklist.)

The story about this beef is even longer. It turned out that my mother had brought her to my grandmother’s house (of course…). It turned out that she had brought a friend along, who was waiting in the car outside. They said things like: “I don’t understand how some people say words hurt them.” “Maybe you just have a very heavy form of autism, Dominique.” “No. Going to the psychiatrists is good for you.” I bought a new pack of cigarettes that day. After I had quit for a while. I really needed some moments to be outside. Alone. Not in the same space. I can’t be in the same building (any building) as them, without feeling sooo much stress. I’ll tell you the full story later. I have saved the entire Whatsapp conversation, I’ll DEFINITELY show you and translate for you. I need this. But it’s getting late. It’s 04:18 (AM) now. I was about to go to sleep, when I checked the layout of my article, and saw that a sentence, about me not having finished a topic in NTI, wasn’t finished. I ended up typing out this entire story. I’ll make this article a featured one. It shows the snakey side of my “main” family members. (The only people I see these days. 24/7. Since I broke contact with all of my “friends”.) Hopefully you, my Cuddle, understand why run. Moments like these would empower my suicidal feelings, when I was younger. Now they empower my fire that on the one hand makes me want to fight them. But knowing they believe I’m crazy, my arguments won’t be listened to – I would just get locked into an institution with a warrant, thanks to them (snakes) – my fire empowers my ability to very carefully and secretly strategize my escape, after which we’ll be able to fight “an equal battle”. Now, if I fight back, I could get locked up. Then, they could get locked up for fraud, sexual intimidation, sexual harrassment, being shitty parents, emotional damage on a hisoric level (affecting my hidden witnesses, which makes all of this soooooooooooooooooo much worse, since they stay hidden when I’m unknown and “crazy”), and soo many many many more things.

So, before I started re-editing, I was talking about my father…

Making the same “joke” more than twice is also getting fucking annoying. I told my mother I just texted someone, asking if she can make box braids for me. This man keeps saying: “Haha did you say butt braids?” “Ohhhh you’re getting butt braids.” People don’t believe me anymore when I say this man behaves so fleh, but today I took a picture that says “endless possibilities” when it comes to this man’s personality. Oh my god.

01:23 (AM)

I’m now at question 5 out of 9 questions. Every question has quite some subquestions. (Question 3ai,ii,iii,bi,ii,iii…) For question 6 I need to install a computer program with this shitty internet connection and I have never used the program before. My alarm goes off at 8. We’re going to be wandering through the jungle all day… I’m just making this test to shut these people the fuck up. But I shouldn’t fuck up myself to be able to have more ammo to fight them off. I’m so extremely tired. I can’t even sleep after my day in the jungle because I need to untie all of my braids, wash and condition my hair, comb it and braid it into the right model. For the next day.

Funny thing, that I told my mother I shouldn’t go to Suriname because I have tests, to which she replied: “But that is “ongezellig” [fuck that subjective bullshit word] and you’ll get plenty of time to make the test.” To them, plenty of time is when I take the shortest naps ever during the day, because I don’t get to sleep at night. “I’m wasting my time.” They say. Fuck them to the power of infinity. Squared. I am so fucking pissed. I just had this “flash forward” of how this discussion (they’ll start a fight) after I’ve told them I didn’t finish the test, because of the remaining activities during this holiday and the internet connection. They’ll feel like “it’s their fault”, since they’re the ones “in charge of the activities”, so they’ll start using all kinds of shitty argumentation, to put the blame on me. As fucking usual. As ALL fucking flehs do. I’m going to make an audio recording of the conversation. (I’ve also made an audio recording of when my father and I dropped my aunt off, picking up the car she picked us up in, and changed pants (in the same room… But that is “normal”)… More fraud talk, immoral statements and shallow nonsense from their side.)

I’m so heartbroken over losing my streak of A’s… I could literally cry. This reminds me when I got my first 9 out of 10, when I was 6, and these flehs started to diss me. I’m back at exactly this again. The way history repeats itself is crazy.

Then I had taught myself to say “fuck it” (internally) and aim for putting in the least effort possible, but still pass, so that I can still say that I didn’t put all of my heart and soul into it, when I don’t get the (100% out of 100%) result I want and could easily achieve. I’m already not giving it my all, this Open University, but I was still getting representations “of my intelligence” as my results. I always tell people my low grades are a choice, and they don’t say anything about my intelligence. They don’t understand that decision and still call me dumb. Dumb motherfuckers (who are getting soooo blacklisted). Shit like this (my parents making decisions) are ALWAYS the MAIN factor, causing me having to get a low grade. A decision like: “Today, we’re going to clean the entire house. Je mag niet “weer” [I literally did that once, when I was 14 or so. But now that they treat me like I’m crazy, I do it as often as possible. Since, “since I’m crazy”, project Nosce Te Ipsum is my full time job. On the side, I deal with full time bullshit. Every moment I have to relax, I use to relax. (But what is relaxation if I use it to write these very long updates…?)] je snor drukken. [That’s Dutch for a very barbarian way of saying: “Don’t bail the fuck out again.” (So “double-barbarian”, since I said “fucking”.) Literally translated it’s: “Don’t press your mustache again.”]” When I know I only need three days of non-stop studying to pass a test. Then I do need those full three days. Dammit.
I would rather finish the test than go to the jungle, because, for my “ego” I prefer an A+ over “interesting pictures”. “Relaxation” (making pictures, looking for pretty sights) would be more fun than doing math (because it’s a test (for a grade) and not Nosce Te Ipsum or a puzzle), but the “relaxation” is accompanied with flehs. I want these pictures. I want to sleep in the car for three hours extra (because I don’t even have the entire day to make the test (need to take the London time zone into consideration), so I wouldn’t be able to sleep extra during the day if I would stay in the hotel to make the test. Who else has ever said “to stay in the hotel to make the test”? Ahahahahahah. I write so much and make so many videos and (written) music and other stuff, but feel like these are things no one can relate to, and thus I will only get judged (stabbed in the heart, figuratively) for. I make it for cuddles, though. It’s 02:20 now. I’m going to finish my short letter on why I’m not finishing it, then submit it, try to fall asleep for way too long and then hear my alarm go off at 8 AM. *Sarcastic :D*

Good night, sweetie

I wish we were just cuddling

And these flehs didn’t exist

(If I only had to take myself into consideration and not my parents and the rest of the globe (since I need to take them into consideration when they try to put the blame on me, e-ve-ry time), I would have been more relaxed, I would have been a different person, we would have been together already, we would have made so many positive changes, we would have been so much more happy, I wouldn’t have known what having a stroke feels like, et cetera. Fleh.)

I love you so, so much

-xxx-

03:01

I’m now submitting the test and I still need to pack… It’s so hard to fall asleep because my grandmother doesn’t want to sleep with all the lights off. The light in the bathroom stays on. When the light in the bathroom is on, the “air filter” goes on as well… It’s like sleeping on a plane…

05:05 (AM)

I just added so many tags to this article. Oh. Reminder to self to make a recipe for fish soup with lemongrass and coconut milk (and many other ingredients. Don’t try making soup with only those two ingredients because it will have a very “weak” taste). Boom. Now it’s a recipe too. Oh and also, Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1 is online on Tidal and Google Play. I went to an art gallery today. I’ve said this in my video, but I’m typing it again now. This is inefficient. I’m tired. I still want written and video diaries though.

I need something to be cornerstone content. Something that is a very close reflection of self. Something that represents all of my situation… Hmmm… Heheheee. That’s why I want this to be in all categories. Even though there are spelling and grammar errors. Call it “natural typing”. Flehs got nothing on me.

For the sake of my escape, thank god I didn’t take the blood test. Six days left. They will not read a word of the words I’ve written.

 

dominique elia missing for SEO reasons.

dominique elia missing, yes. Noooooooooo. (That’s “speaking Rotterdams”…)

[As in those who knew about me going missing don’t know my side of the story, but they should… The “search content” should be re-directed to this…]

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