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Calm Lonelyay [Wednesday, July 31, 2019]

My Graeynissis ♥ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays ♥ ♥ ♥ ]

Thank you for checking in on me today. ♥ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this.

[Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused to receive a car instead of an apartment in Antwerp.]
It was my intention to have another phoneless day, yesterday. I had just uploaded yesterday’s status update. While I was writing this and after that, I heard my cousin’s friend knock on the door several times – she wanted to go to the beach with us but her parents wanted to leave at 10 AM so she wanted to play with my cousin in the morning – and that my cousin was awake (from hearing her turn on her Nintendo 3DS and her visiting the bathroom).

I didn’t want to open the door either. Even to me that person was crazy annoying. Constantly demanding my attention “Look I can do a cart wheel” “Look I can do a somersault in the water” “Look at our pool (inflatable tub)” look at this look at that all the time and my reaction was “Oh nice!” all the time. At some point she complained that I always say “nice” and that I should use more words. Grinding my teeth, I said “Nice things are nice because they’re nice,” she not knowing what the fuck I even said because I purposely said it in English. If I were honest, I would have said: “WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE TO ME?” Stupid 13-year-old narcissist who plays with lego.

Hoping that she wouldn’t walk around the cabin and start knocking on our bedroom windows, I had my eyes on the clock. I had to laugh about the situation – thinking God will punish me for doing this – and had folded myself into a blanket caterpillar, posting some tweets and texting my mother. About something completely different.

Scusami I’m going to have some breakfast and will be back xxx

Updated 11:57 (AM) [GMT +2]

~~~

I wish I knew counter-affection 🙁

Fangs: “Yesss I look forward to being my own interior designer. 😀 But study financing comes all the way in October (the school year starts at the end of September)… ”

Mother: “Preferrably Wednesday (next week for we’re in Egmond until Sunday).”

Fangs: “Niceeeeee. 😀 I namely fear that someone else claims the apartment before I do. So the sooner the better. 😀 😀 (I thought it was going to be next Friday instead of Wednesday.)”

Mother: “Second hand stuff, stuff from home and a new bed”

I’d rather purchase items that are better long-term of which I can be proud, which are new (but cheap because I can’t afford expensive).

My affection 🙁

Fangs: “Or cheap Ikea… But indeed stuff from home too I can take my closet along for example. And my kluzu. (Marnix (my high school) slang-ish for locker.) (There’s a locker in my room.)”

I’d rather purchase the cheapest Ikea items I can find regardless of the way they look, than buy used furniture.

Mother: “It doesn’t have to be done all at once.”

Fangs: “No only a bed and a table are important. Hmmm before or after Curaçao…?”

Honestly placing furniture into a small apartment can be done all at once. But I depend on my parents in this so all I can do is obey and try to have a little influence. I’m still going to move out as soon as I can move in. Even if I’d only have a mattress on the floor.

Mother: “And then slowly build it up. What?”

A.k.a. I might be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but at least I’ll have my own space and that will make me the happiest person on the planet. Please don’t say “What?” 🙁

Fangs: “I can probably move in before you’re back from Curaçao. But the school year starts from…”

A standard rent contract starts at the first of the month and I’m not going to travel back and forth after the one-hour delay of my train the first time I went there already. My parents are going to Curaçao for a week longer than my sister and I.

Ughhhhh 🙁

Fangs: “But the year starts from September 24th so principally that doesn’t matter.”

Mother: “Noooo, slow down. Your father also still has to get used to the idea of you wanting to live in Antwerp. He would rather buy you a car.”

My blood started to boil but I kept my cool because I still financially depend on them (and they’re screwing me over so fucking much every time). Because seriously, I’ve been in debt since age 18 or something and only when I might finally move out, that’s when he wants to buy me a car so that it will take even longer before I move out? Let me the fuck go man I feel like I’m held hostage and everyone is just watching it. 🙁 They want me to move out when I’m 40 and then live two blocks away so that they can come by for dinner every day.

Fangs: “Ah sweet but I need a degree to afford (the maintenance of) that car and I have 40 hours or something of school per week so it’s better that I move there.”

What the fuuuuuuck. 🙁 It sounds so crazy that I’m turning down a car – of course I want a car – but more importantly I want to distance myself of the grip my parents have on me. That goes at the cost of anything.  Even if I’d have to kill them and buy a car and a deserted island from my fucking inheritance.

Mother: “He wants to pay for (all of) it. But I already said that travelling there and back every day is too tiring”

That is my greatest problem. I never build up any finance because my parents always give me the assets and never the money to buy the assets. If they would give me that money he was going to use to buy a car for me then everything will be settled for me moving out and moving on.

I’m trying my very best not to lose it

Fangs: “I know what to do with that money if I could get that as a business investment I could buy my matte grey Audi RS7 (sportback) within no time. But (currently) the most important is that degree and the least tiring way towards that (thus not driving to Antwerp and back for three years or something).”

For years I’ve been asking my father for a business investment and for years he has been saying that I’m not worth the investment. And my mother speaks of buying second-hand furniture. And now just like that he wants to buy me a car for which I know he doesn’t need a loan to buy it. I can buy brand new furniture with that budget they want to use to buy me a car. No idea what car he was going to try to bribe me with but honestly I don’t even want to know because this all hurts so much. Were they really expecting me to say “Oh never mind I’ll just stay home for another year and cook twice a week yay I have a car now thank you daddy”? I’m not fucking stupid meow let me go. 🙁 Antwerp is empty nest syndrome check-mate. Let them just enjoy their other daughter who does like and love them.

Mother: “Right. And I find it beautiful that you now have this goal and that you now can hold on to it.”

Of course I can hold on to this. I’m doing all of this to get some space to breathe, away from them. She always insinuates that I change my goals in life around like it’s nothing, but never in my life have I changed the goal I’m working towards. I’ve only started a new strategy every time another one didn’t work out. She doesn’t understand how I’m going to use Mathematics to spark that same revolution (maybe in a way that is even better).

Fangs: “Yesss I now owe them a year of tuition ahahahahaha”

I’m saying this because they sound like they’re going to back out and they said that they were going to pay my tuition.

Mother: “Behind the scenes I’m busy with your father. He is worried and has his own ideas. I do understand him, it’s a bit scary for him, that you want to move out (by yourself)…”

Ew first sentence construction. Empathy, too, will not make me change my mind about how I just refused a car. If I could get that money from someone else I would be saved so much of this headache. I hate negotiating with my parents because I always end up settling for something that I don’t want.

My god please help meeeeee

Mother: “… His eldest daughter. Yes, that tuition will be taken care of.”

Is he even my actual biological father? If not why is he making decisions for me? And even if yes, I’m fucking 22 and not incompetent so please just fucking cooperate for one. 🙁 Why the fuck does my future depend on their shit.

Fangs: “I understand that it’s a tense situation for the both of you. But this is just Belgium and not even the United States (“Verenigde Staten”) where I want to obtain my PhD. We’re starting off easily. :D”

She’s wording this like only my father is suffering from empty nest syndrome. That’s why I say “the both of you”. It should have been “We’re starting off slow,” but it clearly is not. This is already a headache and I haven’t even started the negotiations with them in person yet. I reallyyyyy don’t want to negotiate with them in person ever again, the previous times in my life that I endured that were so traumatic.

Speaking of traumatic I JUST SAW A MOUSEEEEEEEEE IN THIS FUCKING CABIN. 🙁 I’m afraid it will bite me. 🙁 And eat my food. 🙁 Plus I have so many items laying on the floor in my room here oh my god nooo. 🙁 🙁 🙁

I’m going to call him Jacques. 🙁 I’m in shock ahahahahaha. I can hear it nibble on shit.

Updated 13:27 (01:27 M) [GMT +2]

~~~

Would making a trace of breadcrumbs make Jacques come out here alive and let us both live freely? I’m currently with my feet on the couch like a scared Catje. 🙁 I don’t want to move but I should do the dishes and make myself more food. Help. 🙁 You see this is why I need a sexy Graeyniss. 🙁

Who else can I tell this

Mother: “We will get used to it quickly. Especially when we see that you’re having a good time there.”

That’s not even what I want. I want more distance and less supervision.

Fangs: “Whatever it takes that will be fine.”

Fangs: “A MOUSEEEEEEEEE. UNDERNEATH THE FRIDGE OH MY GOD. 🙁 ”

Jacques is hella photogenic. Come catch and adopt him please dear any Dutch animal lover willing to come to the Sint-Adelbertusweg 31 to pick up this mouse (and het FangCatje) please. Please please 🙁

🙁

Mother: “Ooh nooooo. 🙁 Do make sure that at least everything that can be eaten is in plastic containers. If necessary fill the rice container with sachets of food.”

I don’t want to do fucking anything. Fuck this. 🙁 As if I didn’t think of the food. But still fuck all of this meow I’ve had it. 🙁

Now that I’m in scared cat mode I can continue the rest of my story on this – by the way – very rainy day. I should untie my braids as well but then I’ll have to wash my hair and what if Jacques is in the shower. 🙁 I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see him well meow my feet are bare this is not yay. 🙁

That girl started knocking at 08:30 AM, then came back at 09:00 AM and then came back at 09:30 AM. My cousin and I stayed in our beds but my aunt felt guilty for the girl and opened the door. She was there with her mother and they were complaining about that no one opened the door. My aunt nudged my cousin and let the girl in who then started to complain to my cousin and hissing “I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to be dressed and ready.” Then came to my room to ask for a pen.

I searched in my bag, found a pen but dropped that one back into my bag to search for another one.
“I just saw you found a pen,” she said.
“Yes, but that one is empty. I just keep it with me for some weird reason,” I replied and proved that by scratching it on a paper in my notebook.

It reminds me of a little accomplishment and Victishe, so I don’t want to throw it away 🙁

Another annoying moment like that was when we were walking to the beach yesterday and my cousin said that it’s a tough walk and then my aunt said that for us it is but for her it’s not because she walks a lot and likes to walk. Then my cousin and I were defending ourselves. My cousin started to give examples of how often she walks and my aunt then said that she still sometimes uses the bike because she hates when she has to climb downstairs to put her bike in the shed.  I told her that it’s tough because my cousin and I are walking on bath slippers. Then she asked why no sneakers and I said because we’re going to the beach. In my social environment I always have nonsensical discussions like this. Fucking hate it so much.

What is even more frustrating, which happens even more often, is that people like to try to debunk my facts. My cousin asked how far it is from the cabin to the beach and I told her that according to Google Maps it’s 2.2 km, I saw when I cycled it the first time. Then my aunt said “No, I believe it’s either 1.3 or 1.9 km. I don’t know why.” I hate to be right all the time man why even start another nonsensical discussion I swear just say nothing. Then on our way back we spotted a sign that says “Beach 1.9 km,” which means that from the beach to the cabin it’s not 1.3 and also not 1.9 km. I hate to be questioned. When I saw it, I didn’t say a word. The frustration made me up my walking pace even more. I was already stopping to let them catch up all the time but the distance just kept getting bigger and bigger. At some point I turned around and saw them walk into a lane to look at something without even notifying me, so I started to just walk on my actual walking tempo (even faster) and go to the cabin without looking back. I mean I had to cook after all and was tired enough already.

She mentioned that my cousin and her could stay over at my apartment when I’ve moved to Antwerp and that she has gone to many concerts there. I asked what the name of the concert location was she didn’t know and received some celebration haha I was wrong bashing verbally when it was not the location meant when I said: “Oh there’s an event location close to where I want to live. Maybe it’s that one.” I’m moving on meow no one from my social circle here will stay over at my place in Antwerp. But I didn’t say that because it sounds so cold towards them. Though it’s what would make me happy.

In the video I made on my walk back to the cabin, I say that I’m not blogging because I want to make people look bad and have some gossip bullshit website. I don’t even like gossip. I’m sharing my frustration here because I can’t share it anywhere else and I hope that someone can understands and would like to help me start a new life away from all of this unnecessary frustration.

Time to put on some shoes and make my mouse freedom trap before my mother is here with mouse traps tomorrow. Tomorrow is so very soon. 🙁

Updated 14:54 (02:54 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Meanwhile I have made a path to show Jacques the door because this is really not working out, but he must have found something that makes him attached to this place because I haven’t seen him ever since that picture.

I hope he’s into Italian food…

Everyone loves Italian food meowww. My mother said the has spoken to a vermin expert one day and he/she told her that they’re after fat. So that’s why this is a path of prosciutto di parma (the parts that were starting to dry out) instead of breadcrumbs.

I’ve also finally washed the dishes and have started to untie my braids. My hair has grown a lot yays. 🙂 Unfortunately I can’t untie my braids and type at the same time meow. I’m really fed up with that I enjoy being alone so much but my family is so unnecessarily attached to me. It’s not that we have nice conversations or anything. Aside from my willingness to cook and do other shit I don’t understand why they’re so attached to me. Hmm maybe that was enough reason already. Oh and that I always listen to their monologues. But I’ve had enough of it meow I’m thinking of just saying what I think starting tomorrow. I’d rather just leave though because it will end up in the fight of the century for sure.  🙁

Updated 17:17 (05:17 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Mid-untying braids tired Catje

Still no sign of Jacques…

Updated 18:05 (06:05 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Untied braids yays time to eat yesterday’s left over awesomeness for dinner.

Gosh this post is over 3000 words. I really become almost kleptomaniac when it comes to convincing whoever is influential, rich, Graeyniss and yay to make me part of their life and get me out of the social deadlock I’m living in. My brain shuts down every time I realize tomorrow the setting will go from peaceful to giving people attention again meow I don’t want that anymore. 🙁 I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people I don’t like either anymore and I’m going to stop treating them like I want to be treated because they treat me like shit. Second-hand furniture but still buying me a ticket to Curaçao while I don’t even want to go. 🙁

I do want the Sun and a beach but I’d rather enjoy it with people I actually like. :'(

Ooh meoow I just realized the huge stack of used panties underneath my suitcase meow I hope Jacques hasn’t settled himself in that because I’m already dealing with panties scarcity. Honestly especially after this vermin I don’t want to even wear them anymore. But money. 🙁

Updated 18:57 (06:57 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

So July is coming to an end.

Statistically (non-cookie-blocking-people wise), it was better than February and March

Top 10 most read posts/pages

I should actually do this tomorrow because maybe a lot of people suddenly feel like reading things just before twelve and then July suddenly was statistically better than May.

Antwerpiyays has been doing well so I hope blogging in Antwerp once I’ve moved there – because that is going to happen and I really hope to be able to claim that two bedroom apartment near campus omggg – will do at least just as well.

My plans for tomorrow are finishing my hair, baking salmon and hoping that the weather will be better than today so that I can take some pictures of the sunset. Furthermore I’m planning to say what I think and share the effects thereof in my post, and I’m going to set some objectives for the month of August (because I want organizational operations steadiness in September so I need to set up things in August). Plus I hope to elaborate on this set of tweets and pictures (I’ll just show you a few of them because they are a lot):

“… have to pay for the vergrijzing (percentage of working class retiring afforded by tax money), and earn back the INVESTMENT (because that minister said it wasn’t an investment) in that outdated nonsense (klimaatakkoord), and then have to pay the retirement pensions of those dumb people who created the klimaatakkoord (plus all the refugees they let in).”

Excusez moi it should have been Thierry Baudet and I. 😸

But this is all just things I want to see finished meow currently I’m doing my hair and I won’t be able to finish that before going to sleep (especially because I want to make it more voluptuous (voluminous¿) than it previously was).

Oh and Jacques doesn’t like Italian food. 🙁 Stupid mouse. 🙁 I’m going to try breadcrumbs tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Good night ♥

Updated 23:30 (11:30 PM) [GMT +2]

xxx

Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]

14:08 (02:08 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Thoughtful?

My night was good. My morning was chill. Had some left over salad for breakfast. There’s not much else I consider edible in the house. If I had money, yes, I would have purchased a gift and made a fresh breakfast (and if the thought of this family didn’t cause so much heartache, too). It’s not nice being so non-thoughtful. Same went for Mother’s Day. But my mother is going to buy some whiskey or another type of alcoholic beverage, on behalf of all of us. Makes me feel a little less worse.

How’s your day? Do you have special Father’s Day plans?

Honestly, I think it’s time that we stop this global routine we live. For many, commercialized holidays, such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day and today, bring along many traumatic memories. Traumatic memories that are suppressed, because it’s often not understood, and sentimental joyfulness is always the way we are encouraged on days like these even more. I hope you weren’t expecting any sentimental expressions of love, about this commercialized day.

If I’m Correct?

Is it correct that I was found on Father’s Day, in 2017, when I had gone missing? I’m not certain, but I remember wanting to sell ties for Father’s Day, before my parents put me under surveillance after a fight. And then I was too busy and depressed from suddenly having to spend so much time getting away from the surveillance I did not want to be under.

When I ran away from home, it was my intention to never come back. I didn’t know that I was reported missing. I was (and am still) working on breaking contact for good, and that means that on sentimental days like these, too, I will be gone. But for PR purposes, it is catastrophic to have gone missing for such a short amount of days, and then being found on Father’s Day.

Again: I didn’t know that I was reported missing, when I was missing. Otherwise, it would never have happened. I don’t want that type of attention ever. Even if I were missing for real, I prefer no one to even fucking know. I had said multiple times that I didn’t want to be under surveillance. They still kept forcing that upon me, so then it shouldn’t have been found weird that it was my intention to never return. I don’t know all of the nonsense that has been said about me, but it makes it sound as if I want his attention, while my wish is the exact opposite. I just want to be seen as someone who is not mentally unstable and want to receive financial support and will find that elsewhere, somehow. Or kill myself, the way I planned to, before I was found. Fucking insane flehs attempting to destroy my slight sense of pride, because I’m intelligent. They’re not even in my peripheral…

Later Castle Chillings

My clothing represents how I feel. Though it doesn’t fit me the way it should, in size, I feel very comfortable, because most of my other clothing fits worse:

I was wrapping my edges haha

Yahaaay I love turtle necks 🙂 . It looks okay for this occasion, right? CastleFangs 😀 .

Meoww I wonder what Victishe would look like wearing a turtle neck hihihi

In case it gets hottt

My sister is getting her hair done – plus haven’t seen her in a few days – so we’re waiting for her to come, and after that we’re going to Zeist. I’m hungry, my meow…

Hunger & Frustration

I’m going to put “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” online here. Since no one is fucking buying it ughhh but I still want you to read the message because it’s fucking important, my meow 🙁 . Stupid old people thinking they know everything… You really need to let go of most formalities, because it is causing you to be taken advantage of. Is what I say in that €1100+ essay no one is looking at. I deserve compensation for my writing. This is entertainment 🙁 . Let me buy a fucking house mann every day I want to leave this life behind for good, but people just keep staring and thinking this is about sex it’s so fucking annoying.

My research results are depressing and the publisher’s portal I purchased a subscription for a while back, doesn’t work, so I, still, am barely motivated to finish my websites. I want to show fruitful results that show a positive image about society, and be able to publish books internationally. But now I think I’ll need to buy my own printing press? Ugh why the fuck does everything cost money 🙁 .

Grrr I’m going to put that essay online. I hope you’ll still donate something to me or something. I do not want to be part of this circle anymore. They already barely speak to me, so no one, including me, will give a fuck if I leave for good. Help me please 🙁 .

Excuse me for that fit of anger from hunger – can’t even buy the food I like – and frustration for not having a way to get the fuck out of this place for good. I’m not going to work my tachycardia to death, just to rent a fucking room. Why am I not respected for what I am doing here? 🙁 Do not answer that question if your answer is hateful.

~~~

15:58 (03:58 PM)

Vroom Vrooom

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid is online :). Pleaseeee read it!
We’re on our way ayyy. Currently picking up my sister at her boyfriend’s 🙂 .

Yaaaay now we’re one happy family 🙂 .

I wanted to upload some pictures, casually breaking some privacy rules, but my internet is slow 🙁 . I’ll find another way to upload them 🙂 .

~~~

23:33 (11:33 PM)

Back Home

You know the “happy family” is just a wish, right?

Meoww I’m tired 🙁 . Today was fun, though the event was very different from what I expected. I wish I could organize some events ayy… With a guest list…

I’ll tell you the rest of today’s story through pictures. Then drink some Henny (because Rooster & Wolf weren’t sold) and go to sleeeep.














Now I’m a tired Catje, wanting more Victishe Cishes day by day. Ah prrr I really wonder how his day was.

I hope you’ll read my essay and give me some Cishes, too, my meow.

Good nighttt ♥

xxx

Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Dilemmas… 🤔 [Saturday, June 15, 2019]

14:42 (02:42 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

A Question of Empathy

I hope you had a good morning 🙂 . If all you want to do in life is run a successful business, and you’re not receiving any support from those you thought would support you: how would you go about this?

The Crux of Working Alone and Externalities

I keep a strict schedule of tasks, but living under the authority of my parents often brings me in situations where I am kept from putting effort into growing my business. Numbering thematic days in my blog posts, motivates me to keep writing about and working on that topic I’m numbering (such as “Cold Case”, needed to clear my name, and “Crisis Center Day”, showing you the living circumstances there (and getting out of that)). But unfortunately, without any public support, I can’t clear my name and can’t get rid of the “schizophrenic” stigma.

My strategies are written in such a way that I don’t need to depend on others to execute it, unless I need a person with a certain authority, only when that is unavoidable. They would work out better if I were separated from those who negatively influence my path.

To do that, I need money and to get that: I need revenue. (I’ll never work for a boss again, I’m telling you 🙂 . I need more money than that, for this success… How else can I build my own compounds? (My alternative is suicide. I have no tolerance for scripted and/or shallow conversations.)). But keeping in touch with my target audience, as you must have noticed, is not easy. Especially without the endorsement of the public (amplified due to the curse my circle has cursed me with, by internationally spreading a lie about me). This is the most severe experience of loneliness ever.

What the Success I Work towards looks like

So I need to keep going with setting up my little web-empire, so that I can later build an empire in real life. But in the meantime, those who do not read complain about the complexity of my concept. I try to be as clear as possible: it’s not easy, but it most certainly is a fruitful concept.

My success, in reality, is not based on scale. On the contrary! I would rather earn from one person for whom I can set in all of my goods and services, than earn from people who buy because they’re responding to a created hype. The one audience wants to spend more than the other, and I value a good personal relationship.

And by “personal relationship”, I mean that once I have a non-online, classic but alternative looking bookstore, I can invite my intimate group of main clients over for tea, for example. From there we can talk about how we can easily overpower the system, by working together. (Like when certain types of religion weren’t allowed and they had to meet secretly.)

Using big social networks paired with that directly, will take away our strength of mutual judgment, so I’m very glad to have said goodbye to my accounts on Facebook and Instagram. Though I’m still not at peace with the way they have treated me.

I hope that once I have finished all of my websites, you, who know where to find me, will enjoy the selection of books I recommend you, and will become a guest writer for The Fangs. “The Fangs” is like “The Times”, is my aim.

And from the revenue and fruitful partnerships that result from this extended digital success, I can constitute my own country: Planet Fang.

Please Consider This

Anyone willing to invest in this concept for a real-life intimate bookstore (and art gallery) with a stage and a kitchen, where I run the entire place myself? If it were in a secluded area, on private land I desire to purchase, it can be more for a neo-elite-ish audience, which is my target audience.

Excuse me for not having my renewed websites finished yet, but I was hoping you’ll reach out to me before I do… I’ve been at this for more than a year now 🙁 .

Why This Hurts so Much

My road to success would have been less long and dreadful, if I had a father who is willing to invest in me. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to know that the money is there, but that he would rather spend it on himself or someone else? (Or Bitcoins…)

I now need to do everything myself, which doesn’t allow me to save any money for my future. I do things that are so time consuming, while if I outsource them, I would have time to focus on more important things.

And then there are the people who defend my father’s choice to let me bleed, saying that my business concept is not good. I have never explained what the exact Golden Egg is, so how can they know?

When we’re finally tackling overpopulation, I wouldn’t mind if they die for hurting me. The same goes for those who think that all a female’s business can do is have sex for money? I’d like to kill all of them myself.

Me wanting to kill certain individuals – justified by overpopulation and non-fruitful, fraudulent personalities – is sparked by the fact that they always hurt me and if they’re dead, I’m certain that they won’t hurt me anymore and won’t come anywhere near me after I’ve distanced myself from them.

Currently…

I woke up around 8 AM, because technicians for the solar panels that will be placed in a few weeks, came to check the structure of the electricity circuits in the house.

I was very hungry, but didn’t know what would satisfy my taste buds. I answered some ASKfm questions, but when I felt that they were becoming a bit too much, I put away my phone. I laid in bed, thinking about how to get rid of my loneliness and still about what to eat as well. But then drifted off to sleep again.

After waking up again, I felt a strong need to be productive. But then I thought of all of my previous attempts to get online revenue, which were also not responded to.

I’m giving myself an supernaturally long list of tasks, to better my services towards you, but what if it’s ignored again? Then I’d put my tachycardia on the line for nothing, again.

I still can’t be certain if this will be ignored again or get me the desired results. But I can only know it by trying it. It kind of sucks to spend months of blood, sweat and tears, not knowing if what I’m doing is worth it. I hope you’ll read this and take that into consideration.

To make my diary a bit more overseeable, I’ll be using more titles. That’s part one of being productive…

It’s now 16:11 (04:11 PM) and I still haven’t eaten anything yet. I’ll be making myself a salad now, hoping that I don’t faint from hunger (used to have that often, as a child).

After that, I’m going to work on the texts for my websites.

When I’m done with all of the web things I need to do – that won’t be today – I’ll use Twitter for marketing. I hope people will like my selection of books.

~~~

17:20 (05:20 PM) 

Dates 🙁

Mid-eating this improv salad…

I have the house to myself, because my sister is at her boyfriend’s (far more often than she is at home, which concerns me because it doesn’t affect my parents) and my parents are at a barbecue.

I ate these dates before my salad:

No dates, but dates… x_x

I hate being single, my meow. But currently there’s only one person I see myself be with and be successful. Someone who isn’t easy to reach, unfortunately. Dating someone available of my age would hold me back, I know from experience and because they don’t aim as high as I do in life.

Fatigue & Other Health Struggles

I don’t know what I’ll make myself for dinner, yet. I think I’ll just grill some tuna and eat the rest of the salad I have here.

My brain still needs rest, my meow, but I want to see my websites finished 🙁 . What to do… 😔 I can never give myself a genuine off day, because I can’t stop thinking of all of the work that has to be done 🙁 . It just has to be finished x_x.

I need to see my doctor in Germany, but I need more money for that.

As you have seen plenty of times now, my phycisian here in my neighborhood does anything but help me. All she does is try to get my body fucked up with antipsychotics I’m intolerant of and try to get me declared incompetent. She tells my sister to take her antibiotics with fucking yoghurt. I don’t want to go anywhere near her, but the Dutch health care system forces the exact opposite.

I still have HPV and my heart beat causes chest pains far more frequently, lately. It’s getting time for a check-up of the state of my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia, too. Plus I think I should let a full body MRI be made, because something reallyyy doesn’t feel right 🙁 . (Especially when walking around with HPV for too long.)

Also, I’d like the fluid that causes the bags underneath and above my eyes to be taken away. And get my body waxed entirely. (And transfer my belly fat to my buns… :D) I’d feel a lot better in my own skin, then. And if I’d have new and better clothing 😿 .

And this is also not good for my health:

My heart x_x. It feels like starting back from scratch….

Love Cravings

Plus I still want Cishes from Victishe – especially after all that happened – but I don’t know how else to attempt again than by having my websites finished and starting about one of my case studies – about alternative governance – that is finished when I have a leader’s perspective. But I fear rejection 😿 .

Working to earn a large passive income is very exhausting 🙁 .

~~~

19:03 (07:03 PM) 

Thun marinated in sweet ketjap, soy sauce, sesame oil and honey. Und Salattt.

Reassurance

I want you, who appreciates this, to feel comfortable around me. I have been justifying murder, but want you to know that you won’t become part of that list, if you don’t hurt me. And if you have, please just either blame someone else or apologize, using good arguments no matter what. I think that’s what we both need.

I reflect on my faults every day and share that here. I find that enough. If you find it correct that you have hurt me, then it’s a given that me wanting you dead will never change. Plus, we need to tackle overpopulation somehow anyway.

Lol that were my solo dinner number 1057’s thoughts. Hoping that one day I’ll start having dinner with someone powerful and sexy every day 🤔 .

If you’re not certain if you’re powerful and sexy: if you’re powerful, I’ll find you sexy for sure. And if you’re not certain, then that’s cute 🙂 . Unless you say “I can’t…”, “I don’t…”, “I’m not…” too often. Please don’t do that when deep down you know that that’s not the case 🙂 .

I wonder why attractive people stay away from me 🙁 . Who do you expect me to date…? Please don’t say someone from the exact same origin 😿 .

My Type

From when I was taught about living to grow old and start a family, I’ve been imagining myself with a Dutch man of at least 7 feet tall. One who is extremely muscular and intelligent, who has bright light eyes and dark hair.

“Dutch” because I want to know the experience of life in a white Dutch family. In school I often blended in with the foreign kids, and had some Dutch friends as well, but I wasn’t allowed to stay outside as late and go anywhere, the way they were/are allowed to. And the combination of our heritages will make us veryyy powerful, globally 🙂 .

At least 7 feet, because I’m living with a love deficit and experiencing love from someone tall is unique. I don’t come across men that tall often. I would love to experience how it feels to cuddle someone at whose chest height I am, the way short girls experience that. Plus when it comes to sports, I like a challenge 🙂 .

I am, by the way, attracted to women as well. Just because this is a men’s world, still, when it comes to power, I prefer something more traditional.

Muscular and intelligent, because it’s irresistible and “mutual intelligence” will keep our conversation diverse and exciting (if I’m able to calm my attraction nerves 😀 ).

And bright light eyes and dark hair, because I find the contrast so beautiful. I want a brighter eye color, too, my meow 🙁 . Plus mixed children with bright eyes are sooo 😻 . But in actuality, I feel attracted to some people who don’t look like that, too.

Am I your type¿ I find it very hard to see if someone’s into me or not, when I’m speaking to anyone.

Thinking Funds

It would be cool to be a publisher with a literary cafe, right? 🙂 All I need is some people who already have a name, to invest in it and publicly endorse it.

Due to overpopulation, it would do better in a secluded area, where visiting the cafe would then become a special day trip. Plus I like to work outside busy cities and prefer calmth in a public space. Members only entrance?

I could then organize events in my own event space 🙂 . I would much rather have it be part of my own compound, though, for the concepts for alternative food distribution I have. It would be cool if big companies that are around for years already, would collab with me 🙂 .

This is not a concept for traditional crowd funding…

I’m exhausted, so I’m going to fold out the electronic leg rest of the couch in the semi-anex-ish space in this house, and reason some. Writing and typing I should do less, because my brain feels as if it can give out any second meoww ciao xxx

~~~

23:03 (11:03 PM) 

Bath Cat

Spending the rest of my day reasoning, without a phone or anything else requiring cognitive energy, was sooo nice. Though I haven’t been productive for my websites, and money troubles were consuming me a bit, it was very comfortable.

To amplify the comfort, I’m taking a bath now. It has been sooo long since I’ve soaked in this little bath…

Fangs in bath

From bed cat, to bath cat, my meoww 😽

And I hadn’t showered all day, so it feels very right to do this ahaha…

But the mental calmth is only sealed when I put away my phone…

Tomorrow, I’m planning on being genuinely productive with these websites. But only at the start of the day. I just want to have the texts I want to be on it, written in advance. Then it’s a matter of copy-pasting, when I’m done configuring the designs. So tomorrow, at the start of the day, I’ll be writing.

I’ve always been this “last minute student” and that shows in how I run this mini web empire haha… Wish I had some people working for me, who will enjoy how chill I am when it comes to salary (partially upfront) and the influence I allow you to have. Hehe 😀 .

Later tomorrow, I’m going to attend a food tasting event in a castle: Slot Zeist. I love food and events, so I’m so looking forward to it 🙂 . I’m intending to socialize and meet some new people. Hopefully hand out some business cards… Even though my websites aren’t finished x_x . I hope to see you there 🙂 . It starts at 12 and ends at 7. We’ll probably be there around 4 or so…

There’s a party next door, so I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep any time soon. (I’ve been playing loud music often enough, though, so it’s definitely not a big deal.) But after having soaked a little more – though this bath its plug is old so it goes empty out itself over time – I’m going to attempt to sleep.

Good night and hope to see you tomorrow introducing yourself saying you’re my fellow Fangyist (I hope that will happen, but I’m convincing myself that it won’t, so that I won’t be disappointed haha)…

Sweet dreams ♥

xxx

Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Back Online :) [Thursday, June 13, 2019]

09:35 (AM)

Good morning 🙂 ♥

I’m so glad to be back online, and I’m even more glad to find you here again 🙂 . It’s such a risk to lose (frequent) visitors, when going offline (unannounced) 🙁 .

One of the greatest down sides of not having a fixed income, is that it’s not guaranteed that there’s enough on my account, to pay my bills. But it’s fixed now and I’m even out of personal debit account debt 🙂 . So after paying my €25 hosting bill Tuesday night (so cheap because I’m the administrator myself), I’m back online now 🙂 .

To not be able to pay a bill of €25 is a truly heartbreaking feeling. I’m glad that I’m currently making financial progress that is better than it has ever been, without a fixed income. As in my best time, financially, was last Summer, with my guaranteed income, working as an aid, but now I’m starting to have better passive income prospects. Especially after what else happend on Tuesday, I will ne-ver work for a boss again! (In that way, I also have a lot more time to befriend Graeynissis 🙂 . (By “Graeynissis”, I mean intelligent, alternatively reasoning individuals. Not that fake subscriber account I made on the forum here, who is actually me, haha.))

This is a very good financial momentum, already being out of debt, because from today, I can sell my manuscripts to other publishers and book stores!!! 😀
And having my manuscripts in that database will also make it a lot easier for me to sell them through the D.O.C.I.S. store 🙂 .

And oh my goddd my meowww, so much has happend since my website went down! I’ll update you through anecdotes, tweets and pictures, but will do this after I’ve had breakfast and made a schedule of tasks for today. When I tell you, depends on how my schedule will be. I’ll be visiting the bank to make a little deposit, for sure. Other tasks, I’ll be selecting from this list (that is even still incomplete):

Putting my hand on the side that has a traumatic text on it. My gohdddd

“Overig” was because I became tired of making the list and just felt like summarizing the rest. The app I want to (have) develop(ed) is not even on it… I’d prefer to have the funds to hire someone/people to take care of all of my web activity. Something I’ve mentioned often. I’m a good investment my meowww.

Other tasks are on TheFangs.nl. Though officially not planned, I already started using it! Because this domain was blocked due to that bill (which is to fund all domains I have, but blocks wordpress of a certain sub-contract, when I’m behind on payments), I already started using it, because I feel so empty when I can’t write you 🙁 . Please check out The Fangs :D. I hope and think you’ll love it (when it’s done 😻 )! And I hope you’ll be my guest blogger/guest writer! 😻

More information about that will follow when my domains are finished 🙂 .

I’m back online meoww please tell a friend 🙂 .

~~~

17:13 (05:13 PM)

I’ve gone to the bank to deposit the €150 my grandmother gave me for helping her reporting her taxes in May 🙂 . Now I’m officially out of personal bank account debt (as in I still have this huge study loan and this Elia PR bank account I want to unsubscribe but need to take out of debt first ahaha 🙁 ). And I just decided to record a video in which I tell you everything that happened since my website went down.

In case you don’t like watching videos: here is a set of pictures that summarizes most of what I’ve been doing since Vampin’:

It was very nice catching up with my aunt, chilling on her balcony 🙂 .

Her room is pretty 🙂 . That crib there left is from her grandchild, who sadly wasn’t around when I visited.

We then went back to my house for the family dinner my father prepared. It was tasty 🙂 .

Then I slept over at my aunt’s place. Waking up to an unavailable website. She doesn’t sleep in her bed due to a trauma, and I find it very sweet that she gave me her room. I’ll be visiting far more often…

That Monday I went from my aunt’s in Rotterdam, to my cousin’s in Amstelveen. It was her 28th birthday. I won the first game of “Weerwolven” as the only wolf 🙂 . Haha I had to figuratively digest a child to get that mayor card, on the left, but that strategy helped me win 🙂 .

Finishing touches… 

Uncovering wolves and stuffff ayy that game really is a lot of fun

Pics in the wrong order, but I realized my pants were torn, just before I left my aunt’s place.

Sweetness @ receiving that drawing. Then I showed the children there how to fold a plane, because I saw they were getting frustrated from not having toys to play with and being in the same space for hours.

The starter was “okersoep” with crabs. It was my first time eating it with crab, which was cool :).

Then, at home, I made these semi-explicit pictures, because I was feeling like a wild Catje, from my plans of calling Victishe for lunch… (That ended up going soooo next level oh my goddd x_x.)

Still feeling wild…

This was actually the first picture out of three I made. Searching for an angle…

I prepared this meal yesterday. The salad, I enjoyed the most 🙂 . The recipe is on Twitter:

This is what I bought at the drug store, after leaving the bank. Haha I tweeted: “All these death threats and I’m still suffering from dry eyes” hahahahaahahah

I think because of the combination of cropped up anger, cropped up sadness and having been grounded so very often, I love cycling through the rain, when it’s not windy 🙂 . Smiling felt weird for that picture, so I didn’t, but believe me when I say that I’m feeling better than ever :).

Okay meoww the sun is out and I feel like catching some more outside air, so I’m going to smoke a cigarette (lol niet nadoen) and then I’m going to record a video in which I read Vampin’, this post and old tweets, and tell you the details of everything that happened since this blog went down. And after that, I’ll be working on my websites, while still recording, because meooowww I have so much to tell you 🙂 . Plus being silent and alone is kind of boring. (But still better than losing precious working time and being stuck with superficial conversation 🙂 .)

~~~

Blog, Explicit Content, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

Vampin’ [Sunday, June 9, 2019]

03:48(AM)

Meoww I just made myself a late night snack. Back in the day when I was 14 and cool on Twitter, if I’d be awake late at night like this, I’d say that I’m Vampin’. I’m Vampin’, my Graeyniss.

Hungry… Crank up the volumeee:

Do you have sexy traditional plans for Pentecost you need some arm candy Catje for?

Let’s eat duck, Victishe?

Do you copy? Click on the previous bitte.


Shitt I’m tired mayneee 🙁 .

This was hilarious:

Would you watch if I’d stream on Periscope…? I just downloaded it after a tip… Or maybe I should use Twitter or YouTube for it¿ Not that I really have anything prepared. It’s more an “ever” question. If I’d live stream I want it to look better than the Prime Minister’s live stream… Not another video from my bedroom 🙁 .

Aiight I’m going to atten my orange juice and head upstairs. I told my aunt that I was going to be at her place at 12. Though my mother hasn’t invited her, maybe she would rather eat Peking duck?

Victishe? Meow I hope he has nothing planneddd… It would be cool to just wildly spontaneously bring me some flowers and then eat this duck with my family, including my aunt, or just run away from this entire country forever, just us two (and our Graeynissis)?

Ooof I can pass out any second now 😴

Good night ♥

xxx

09:40 (AM)

It feels as if I’m avoiding an important confrontation… Plus I have sooo much anger to vent, so why run?


That is sarcasm, my dear Graeynissis.


Still funny that the Netherlands is greater in size than Surinam, on this map…


Dinner conversations…


Would be lit…


Ahahahhaahha is it then finally suspicious?


So I’m just screaming for help in non-capslock all day, while using proper interpunction and a calm tone of voice. There are like a zillion figurative demons you’ll have to swerve past on your way to me.

I really hope my aunt is in the mood for Peking duck tonight 🙂 . And I hope for a spontaneous Victishe’s visit 😻 .

I’m in bed, shivering from hunger, with hunger pains again.

~~~

10:20 (AM)

LOL1

LOL2


But number 2 becomes number 1, more order changes will be there and the list will become farrr longer. Unsuspected criminals.

Look at me tweet my homieeeee:

I think I, by the way, remember Victishe having a slight Surinamese accent¿ Are we relatives¿ 🙁 Haha meowww je weet maar nooitt maar beter niet lol. Is het wel zo, dan is het wel zo hahaha ik weet het niet maar will zip it want niet weer schizofrenie gedoe please ah meowww…

Hoe zeg je “Boeroe” in non-offensive?

~~~

Blog, Explicit Content, Online Diary

Processing… [Saturday, June 8, 2019]

01:05 (AM)

Meowww my laptop is processing the video of three hours I made earlier, reading and elaborating on yesterday’s diary post, while eating sushi 🙂 . I’ll let you know when it’s online 🙂 .

I keep postponing changing around my websites, because I would rather pay someone to do it… That’s how I ended up reading a post out loud for you 🙂 .

~~~

02:16 (AM)

My video is almost fully processed now 🙂 . You can follow the process live here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3wL_B9_mcA&feature=youtu.be

Meanwhile, I’m going to bed.

Goood nighttt ♥

xxx

14:51 (02:51 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

I don’t know what time I’ll be heading over to my aunt’s yet. Assuming that it’s going through. In the video, I mentioned that she asked me when I was coming to stay over at her place, on the phone yesterday, and that I told her “tomorrow” 🙂 .

I’m about to make myself “breakfast”… Hungry as fuckkkkk…

~~~

16:19 (04:19 PM)

https://youtu.be/uzbu53V78nQ

AHAHAHAHA oooh my goddd 05:30 got me crying out of laughter! 😂 😂 😂


[Hadn’t shared that here yettt]

In other news: I’m sitting at the dinner table with my phone w/music on, wearing a bathrobe, just having finished my first meal of the day, which was more ramen. Better foods are expensive for me meowww 🙁 . I wonder what Victishe eats for breakfast… I also wonder if he’ll ever give me Cishes. Sealing the eternal, in my case, can never be too soon 🙁 . I want influence and someone sexy whose arm candy I can be…

Going back to bed 🙁 .

I like watching my own videos 😂

~~~

21:00 (09:00 PM)

I’ve been in extreme bed pet mode for most of the day again. Dreaming of wanting someone I can’t have?

Haha Victishe must know I was catching feelings already. Every time I’ve heard him speech and everyone regularly applauds, I was saying “Woooohoooo” like a little mascotte 😂 .

How can I get Cishes? 🙁

Interesting Twitter activity:

I’m going to my aunt early tomorrow, by the way, instead of today.

Have you ever cried out of loneliness?

~~~

22:22 (10:22 PM)

I like Twitter “debates” like thisss 🙂

I find my ex a bitch when it comes to this and generalizing genders, by the way, calling all females “an enigma to men”. Domste shit die ik ooit heb gehoord.

I want to take the stage and set a better example meowww. With you and Victishe by my side ♥ .

~~~

22:33 (10:33 PM)

I hadn’t even shared my morning anxiety with you yet, by the way:

And the prettiness of my grandmother:

Do I look like my mother?

? 🙂

Though I shouldn’t share the serious contents of my mind, I think, I said that the difference between our pictures indirectly shows how much the world has become a police state. I wasn’t allowed to smile and had to show my earlobes. There was much more freedom in the past, when it comes to things like that. Before the internet…

Reminds me of this answer, which isn’t forwarded to Twitter, because it includes “fucking”
https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/154879889440?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

&& Meoww this Victishe 🙁 :

~~~

Blog, Explicit Content, Online Diary

Syntax Error [Friday, June 7, 2019]

08:58 (AM)

Good morning ♥

How was your night? I hope you slept well and have enjoyable things planned for today.

For me, from the afternoon onwards, things only get worse, it seems. Stress has woken me up early. The prospects of my schedule make me think: “Please take me back to the crisis center,” because of both repetitious verbal therapy sessions and visitors coming over on the weekend, et cetera. All while I wish I could be with my dear Victor.

My wish of wanting to be with him is nothing new. I’ve been mentioning him in my diary since the first time I saw him… (On my first day of work…)
Wanting to seal the eternal is new. I wish I had this idea when I was still working for him… Now I don’t know how I could spend some time with him 🙁 .

Especially because I want to be alone with him, so that I can ask him personal questions and maybe get some innocent hugs and kisses… I wouldn’t know if I’d be able to control myself, though. (Because I feel as though the attraction between us is quite intense?) And I am untamable 😻 . Ah you make me so wet meoww, without even doing something sexual 🙁 . I neeeeeddd to be with you… The way I crave for you is sooooooo intense… I really need to have sex with you oh god please help the little ocean in my panties 🙁 .

And very seriously, I do not want to be in this house on Sunday. Better even from Sunday onwards. Even better even from 12 years ago. To speak my mind and share with the world who I wouldn’t mind living without, and to then casually have dinner with them? Noo man. I have no supporters here. I seriously have nothing to say to my non-supporters and I can’t stand the superficiality in their conversation.

Haha if my unofficial boyfriend were with me, it would be bearable. But still, I would rather not even witness the get-together. And I can’t say “Tyf op uit mijn huis alsjeblieft. Ik betaal je ervoor,” because I do not own this house and I don’t have any money.

Please buy my essay and help me escape this weekend 😿 . You’d help me escape the circle I absolutely do not want to make part of.

[products category=”essays-3″]

If I’d fake going crazy again, I would end up at the closed vicinity. That would save me from gatherings I don’t want to witness, but that wouldn’t save me from therapy sessions I absolutely do not want to have.

I don’t even have money, so I can’t, for example, treat myself with some days at the spa. Ahahahahaha fucking helppp 😿 😿 😿 . My mental CPU is fried… The tension x_x.

In other news: June is going quite well, statistically…

junestats

I’m in bed, as usual, being stressed the fuck out. But I’m going to get up and fry myself some ramen… xxx

By the way, marrying a wealthy, influential older white male – who might be the handsomest on the planet – would be the final addition to my life that would make certain individuals hate me to the fullest. I’m already colored, female, tall, intelligent and ambitious, with an outspoken opinion. I really should add my incredibly good taste in men to this list, so that everyone knows why I deserve a spot over there, living comfortably in the shadows, far away from this proletarian chaos.

And seriously, many middle-aged women will hate me for taking him off the market… I deserve protection…

~~~

19:27 (07:27 PM)

I love it when a situation turns out better than I expect it to be. The conversation I had with the person handling my case and the experience expert she invited over, was very comfortable. Nothing about antipsychotics and being accused of being in the wrong and stuff. Very nice! She even said that the conclusion could be that there is nothing to diagnose 🙂 . I could also level with the experience expert very well. I’m also very interested in the concept of being an experience expert. I think I could become an expert on many things 🙂 . And it would solve my issue of not having a fixed income…

For my second opinion, I think it’s best to pay “The Therapist” [he’s a celeb meowww. You can check him on Vice (a TV channel) 🙂 ] a new visit, but this time arrange meeting up with him myself. From what he has told me about his own emotional perspective, I think I can have a conversation about my controllable bloodlust with him. I do wonder what DSM definition suits that, though my feelings are very controllable. I’m really not trying to give myself a new DSM stamp. I’m so glad my case manager told me the same thing! That’s a relief.

All I need is someone to talk to, who doesn’t want to force his/her will upon me. So I’m glad I could empty out my heart at my case manager and experience expert, today. I’m sure I’ll be able to level with “The Therapist”, too. I’ll contact his assistant after the weekend. My parents have used him as their therapist, too – on my medical record, so he already knows my situation at home. That saves a lot of explaining 🙂 . And he is Surinamese, too, which again saves a lot of explaining 🙂 . Truthfully, I would love to record my conversation with him! I think it would be a great Fangy debut of myself 😋 . Especially if I’d wear a strait jacket! 😂 😂 😂

Other positive news is that I finally signed the documents sent to me by het Centraal Boekhuis :). (I’m planning on doing international shipping manually…) Soon, other stores will be able to resell my books in both tangible and intangible formats, and I will also sell a little selection of books that are not written by me. I hope I’ll be selling your book :). I hope they have books that were originally written in Latin, in their assortiment… I want to be selling Letters from a Stoic 😻 . My registration was a little impulsive…

Haha by the way, my case mananger asked me if I have any other contacts for my case. I wish I could say: “Yes! Victishe, my husband.” (It would be funny to give his office number, which is the only number I have of him 😂 . (I’m far too afraid of rejection, so I don’t call 🙁 . But I still want a Cishe… 😿 )) Meow I should maybe genuinely ask for his perspective, though, because I’ve been a killer employee and then became crazy traumatized from all of those demonic clients…. And now I’m a house Catje 😀 . (Trying to make some internet money…)

I’m waiting for my sushi to be delivered (I received some sushi money from my father), as my parents are out partying with my “uncle”. I’m thinking of recording myself while I edit my websites. Still need to finish https://docis.international

It’s now 20:13 and my sushi was just delivered 🙂 . I’ll just record myself while eating ahahahahaha. Just feel like talking meoww…

~~~

Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Grapefruit [Thursday, June 6, 2019]

13:48 (01:48 PM)

Good afternoon 🙂

I just finished my first “meal” of the day: a selection of fruit I feel in the mood for, from the fruit basket downstairs.

Grapefruit, een nectarine, een “gold” kiwi en een banaan 🙂

Now I’m back in my bed… It’s a sunny day, so I’d like to go outside, but my bank accounts are maxed out and I’m not in the mood to walk in the park by myself.

Plus, I have no idea where my house keys are? I didn’t take them with me, when I went to the crisis center. I now can’t go to the gym either, because my membership token is attached to it. In the past, my parents have confiscated my house key every time I distanced myself from them, so I really wonder where they are, now that they’re not in the regular places.

When it comes to my thoughts of getting married and moving on from all of this shit; not having a key is not even that bad. If I take all of my belongings with me [including my sister¿] on my way out and never return, what do I need the keys for?

I need someone who is lonely, too, who I could cuddle with 🙁 . Look at my view:

They’re closed because I don’t feel like putting clothes on (ever again lol)

I want to cuddle meoww but meoww I guess I should think of how I want my business website to look and work on that, sitting in the “backyard”. I’d rather spend time with my Vicje, though… Meooow my hearttttt….. I don’t know how to get this Catje all to myself… 🙁

Does anyone have any tips? Please let me know, by placing a comment… 😏

Please, buy my essay and support my independent living and plans for societal reform… 😏

[products category=”essays-3″]

~~~

16:12 (04:12 PM)

I’m losing ittt

I hope that my Vicje would agree with me that those women attacking this other Catje, in the video in my tweet, are fucking dumb bitches… There is no way spending 1000 billion euros to renovate the fucking ugly houses in this country should be done by the state. That is not a fucking climate measure!?!? How much of that money will be used to buy new cars and shit!?!?

As the next ruling generation, I say that that 1000 billion euros for this “climate measure” is unnacceptable! If the houses here are of too much shit quality, just fucking bomb the place and let the dykes flood. Then nature will be back in balance and no one will be disturbed by fucking dumb bitches like that anymore!!!!!

Haha meow my opinion is always very outspoken… I’m laying here, contemplating whether I’d be a suitable wife for Victor… I mean with the whole schizophrenia thing and wanting to start a revolution and being power hungry and stuff… Life will be full of excitement and wild(ly impulsive) experiences, with me. That’s for certain! That is what Graeynissis need, right? I think we are an absolutely perfect match! 😻

How about crowns instead of wedding rings? I’m Queen Fangs meowww…
Haha meow I don’t want to make you go broke because of all of the things I still want to do in life…

Like holding that 24 hour benefit, making a movie, consituting my own country, having my own TV channel, having my own lifestyle line, et cetera… Please marry meee I want someone sexy by my side at all times! 😻 My King Vicje… 😻 Let’s throw Willie off his throne so that that 1000 billion climate bullshit doesn’t go through!

Will you be my loyal knight in shining armour? 😻 I also want to be the queen of Sipaliwini, aside from the Netherlands… And that of California 😻 I have too many ideas for global reform yooo I wouldn’t be able to do that now, if I’d marry someone of my own age (probably watching fucking Netflix all day)… So Vicje pleaseee¿ 😻

I hope he hasn’t found a new flame yettt… Or just cut that off real quick 😀 . Come to my house? 😀 Ah meoww the ceiling isn’t that high though and I’m in bed pet mode… But I want to seeee youuu ah meoww…

~~~

17:34 (05:34 PM)

And when I say married I mean onder gemeenschap van goederen with the full name change and everything! 😻
Ik wil het liefst zelfs een derde naam: Lucy (van lux fero…).

Meooow het idee van ons samen is nu zoo erg in mijn hoofd geprent dat ik echt hoop dat dit onze nieuwe realiteit zal worden! 😻

I really hope and even think that Victor is receiving the sound signals from my reasoning in person. This because the first time I spoke to him, I was standing sooo close to him (fighting myself not to touch him). Then, on my way to the next time, I told myself not to stand so close to him, because it might seem odd. But then the next time talking to him, I was standing almost inside him when speaking to him, again, and when I noticed this, in true silence, we took a step back from each other, EXACTLY at the same time!!! Meooow I soo hope it’s true! 😻

Ahaha I don’t want to think of anything elseeeee! Especially not of psychiatry ah meoww the quest for a truly independent second opinion is so dreadful… I wish I could cuddle my Vicje and cook for him and stuff… 😻 If we get together, I would not feel dragged down by my medical record anymore!

~~~

19:47 (07:47 PM)

Meooow time is passing by… Tomorrow is getting closer. I want that psychiatric surveillance off my back. That’s why I kind of feel like stopping time. What is there to discuss for me, with a nurse from the “early intervention for psychoses” team? Nothing. But my parents want me to fuck up my medical record further, so that no one listens to me anymore, when I say that the circle I was born in is no good. My mother has already contacted a clinic in Belgium. The problem is that they should hear my side of the story before hers, because she always describes me as a first class lunatic.

If I’d have a good distraction – sex, good conversations, people I can do business with – I would not feel depressed as fuck.

I need someone I can do business with… I need Cishes from my Victishe 😻 . He has the full package… 😻

He is hands down the handsomest man I have ever seen… And he is smart as well 😻 .

And I would, of course, be the absolute perfect housewife! Getting involved in everything he does, giving my perspective on every business decision he shares with me (I hope it will be all of them 🙂 ). I’ll also be his little (side-)advocate (because he certainly is his own advocate), telling those fucking awful clients of him, who get agressive over not receiving a Mercedes for paying a €15 premium, dat ze echt de tyfus kunnen krijgen en ik hoop dat ze zich de volgende keer doodrijden. (In case you wonder why I’m not part of the summer staff anymore: that is why 😂 . And I’m not up for superficial conversations with colleagues either. #PTSD)

Haha if I’d get a euro for every time one of those peasants told me “Ik wil de directeur spreken,” I would be able to buy him myself 😂 . They should really not speak of my Vicje like that… 😾 Same goes for personnel. I still feel like crying, from their response to those “Thinking about you” cards and chocolates. I love that creativity and would literally kill to receive that. Fuck this place, man.

We should just replace everything by D.O.C.I.S. International and replace the Netherlands by water. That will definitely cool off the planet!

I don’t feel like discussing the contents of my blog with any psychiatry related individual who wants me to take antipsychotics… I don’t want tomorrow to happen meoow save me 🙁 .

~~~

23:42 (11:42 PM)

I’m such a random catje for suddenly hyping the thought of marriage. I needed time to realize that this could be the best decision we’d ever make.

Though I still don’t even know if it’s mutual, because my business e-mail address is blocked 🙁 . But my personal one isn’t. Now I wonder if that’s because it was forgotten to be blocked, or because I may only reach out to this sexy Catje for personal things? Of course, that is my preference? I didn’t even know that that was an option 🙁 . There are many Graeyniss things I still want and need to learn, my Graeyniss… Please teach me 😻 .

Ugh tomorrowww 🙁 . It feels like when I just started this diary, all over again. Marriage seriously is the only way out of this awful vicious cycle. And it’s a good cure for the chronic loneliness I’ve been suffering from for years… Plus it would give me hope for a better future and stuff…

I would love to not live alone anymore. Alone in the context of having no one I can level with, while coming across both familiar and new faces every day… (Mentioning it here every time would be painful…)

I really want a new life and a new circle, so if I’d get married, that would mean that I wouldn’t even let the majority of people from my circle know. They already treat me as if the real me doesn’t exist anymore, so, to them, I’d definitively be gone, just like that. Fuck saying goodbye…

It’s what I desire… I have so many (more) burdens, I don’t want to bother my Victishe with this 🙁 . But I really need the help of a true Graeyniss, to start over. I really want him to be that person ♥.

Because how to cause the shift, I wouldn’t know. I can’t even get myself out of psychiatric surveillance for good… And I know there are plenty of people who don’t want me to get married. Those who tell me about all of the horrors of marriage, since I was a child, for example, who want me to be their fraud accountant.

I know I would be damn good at it, but I’d rather do good and stay on the right path. Plus they have been making such stupid financial decisions… And I don’t even know how many stupid financial decisions they have made in my name, when I was a child.
That’s why I’d love to be saying: “My husband has a Law degree 😻 .” And that’s why I want to fully distance myself from the life I’ve had from here in the region of Rotterdam. Mijn hemel wat een stad zeg…

My feelings have become extreme overnight. We should really go on a date, my Vicje 😻 . But the type of date after which I move into your house straight after…? I would absolutely love that 😂 .

In reality, I’m going to sleep in a bit, feeling a bit frustrated because I’ve become this psychiatric puppet again. After so much effort to escape it. I was trying to initiate a court case, not be forced to take antipsychotics again…

Meoww I miss you, my Victishe 🙁 . I hope you’ll somehow cuddle me 😿

Good night ♥

xxx

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Another day…? [Wednesday, June 5, 2019]

00:23 (12:23 AM) 

I still hope you’ll purchase and read my essay, and let me know what you think of its content 🙂 .

[products category=”essays-3″]

It is written with the intention of discussing it on a much larger scale, and reach a consensus when it comes to shifting the hierarchy to a bottom-up construction. In it, I also say that the identities of some individuals can apply to multiple layers at the same time. You’ll find it interesting 🙂 .

And I would like a new social circle, because I’m far too different from the people in my current one. I can talk to them, but we can’t relate to each other. If you can relate to me, please buy my essay so that we can become life long friends. And tell your friends that you’ve bought my sexy essay. The information in it, will give you something in return that is of much greater value than the purchase price…

Especially if you have a Dutch bank account, please purchase it via a bank transfer 🙂 . That’s one out of two of the payment options when you proceed to the checkout on this blog.

Bitte buy my essay so that I can be happy, living life the way I should… It feels wrong to live life with the people from that list. In reality, out personalities do not match at all, so it really is better when I leave.

Closer to the German border, it’s safer, water-wise. But then again, Wassenaar is at the sea side, and I so love the sound and scent of the sea (though I find Dutch beaches a quite uncomfortable sight (especially after having visited Nassau twice…))… Plus that it’s a green neighborhood with pretty houses…

I’ll receive a phonecall today, from the “early intervention for psychoses” team, to talk about how we could go about this… If my mother wouldn’t have called my phycisian, it wouldn’t be my current greatest burden. (Like I’ve said often, my physician wants me to be declared incompetent.) If I truly wanted it, I would have asked for it myself… But of course I cooperate, because I didn’t want to receive another threat of being sent to the closed vicinity. Then I’d rather be here in my room.

Staring at this sight…

I wish I could sit around a table with official authorities from multiple fields, and talk about the PR strategy I have for them… (But I’m such a wild catje that meeting up with me will already cause many rumors. (Though we can easily spin that into our advantage…))

What am I going to do today… For sure trying more ways to get a lot of internet money. I really want to have my own place before the weekend. (Because of 80% of that list in Highlights being in this house then… That’s too much pressure (for my bloodlust meoww) 🙁 .) Please buy my essay… You don’t want more dramatic sensation in my life (= this diary) and neither do I…. You want some Cishes, right? 😀 I do tooooo!

I don’t know why I keep myself from trying to commit suicide every time, because I fear missing out on something that would actually make me enjoy life. I feel like there are still many ways to try to get my business off the ground.

And fuck those who say that I’m failing in life (“vastlopen” en “de hele tijd in hetzelfde cirkeltje zitten draaien in die kamer van je” (stop talking me to death please)), who want me to do proletarian shit…

I’m going to continue to configure my official bookstore (and business website), where I can sell paperbacks (and hopefully hardcovers) myself, instead of via Amazon! 😻 Not that Amazon is bad! It’s more that I’d rather sell to Amazon, instead of receive Amazon royalties…

Meanwhile my room is so hot that I feel like passing out yooo… 😥

I wish I had someone I could share my moments with… 🙁

~~~

02:07 (AM)

Meoww my feelings…


I’m still craving for passionate intimacy. We would look sooooo sexy together . Especially the part where, on the one hand, I’ll look like a gold digger import bride, but in reality we’ll spark a revolution 😻 .

Meoow I want sex 🙁 . I’ve been depriving myself from it for too long now. But I know Tinder won’t satisfy me… I sound crazy for going after Victor – I live with my parents. But we would be so sexy together meow…

Plus this:

Buy my essay pleaseee…

On that thought, I’m going to sleep. Good night ♥

xxx

10:58 (AM)

Good morning ♥

Hopefully your night was good. Mine was, too 🙂 . So good that I’m secretly wishing that it were still dark outside, so that I wouldn’t feel the need to get up and do things, just because there’s daylight.

There are chorizo and mozzarella in the fridge, with which I’ll prepare something. I don’t know exactly what yet, but the combination sounds very tasty 😻 .

My mental is tired from all this creative reasoning and writing, but I’m still going to seek the strength to finish my websites…

Stiekem ben ik serieus:

~~~

17:27 (05:27 PM)

Heyy first some Twitter highlights in reverse order:


[Is my actual amount of non-anonymous visitors and views since I installed the Jetpack plugin…]


[Me pretending to be my dream companion.]


[Still got rejected 🙁 .]


[I said the tweet is debatable because every Muslim is different, but still to rule a country can’t be refused just because of a tweet… What is the real reason why?]


[A.k.a. this is how much of a serious hot distraction my fantasies about me and Victor are… I’m going to elaborate on this.]***************


[Stats have been rising ever since I used that sex image for a featured image.]


[Het imperium dat ik eerst nog wel moet creeeren… Land kopen/veroveren enzo…]

*************** An anonymous individual asked me to describe what I’d do to his/her body sexually, if I’d get to do what I want. Not knowing if sexual attraction would be there, I was so bold to write out what I would do to Victor if there is mutual attraction and he is as sweet as I think that he is [explicit]:

“💕 Ik zal je eerst vol passie zoenen en je helemaal uitkleden. Vervolgens duw ik je op bed en zal ik je hele lichaam masseren met massageolie, omdat je zo lang en hard gewerkt hebt, terwijl ik je op willekeurige plaatsen op je lichaam kusjes geef. Ik begin bij je nek en schouders.
Wanneer ik zie hoe hard je bent, geniet ik van je penis met mijn mond, alsof het een bijzonder lekker ijsje is, terwijl ik je diep in je ogen aankijk. Vervolgens zoen ik je weer [als dat mag¿] en wrijf ik je penis langs mijn clitoris en voel je hoe nat ik ben.
Ik geef je dan zuigzoenen, terwijl ik met mijn heupen draai enzo, zonder handen. Daarna haal ik mijn handen door je haren, terwijl ik onze slapen tegen elkaar aan leg, en fluister ik “Please fuck me,” in je oor. Then I’m all yours 😏 .”
We would look soooo sexyyy meoow I want to feel this in real life…

It must be very random for him, that there is this random website where this random individual – The Fangs – is writing about intimacy with him? My attraction to him is real… I wouldn’t know how to get my feelings answered (in a non-digital way)? Plus, if the answer to “Cishe? :D” would be “Nooooo”, I don’t even want to know the answer…? I have no clue meowww… I could very randomly call his office number and ask? 😂 Haha but that feels so lackey-ish… Have been doing lackey shit for far too long…

I’ve been getting ASKfm questions about marriage and I’ve been saying no to the concept of marriage for very long – because of the hassle and fear of getting married to the wrong person. Plus I have so many burdens that all I can do is complain about life, and most people don’t find that sexy. So most people want sex with me, but we can’t even hold a conversation… Anyway, in this situation where my mother is clearly abusing the (financial) authority she has over me, and my physician wants me to be declared incompetent, I would love to have a husband who would like to be on my side, in this battle. I wouldn’t mind being married to the right person right now? But simultaneously, choosing only one person feels like letting down many people who receive my brain-to-brain communication. I’d only do it if I’d have their blessings… And still be allowed to give and receive innocent Cishes 😀 . I really hope Victor receives my signal, too! That would make everything so much easier and then I would be very certain of making the right choice getting fixed on spending the rest of my life with him! 😻

I do must say that I feel that I should be careful with my words, because it feels as though being divorced can cause a love-related PTSD I don’t want to negatively influence. I’m not 100% certain if we wouldn’t get into fights [I hateee fightsss, when I genuinely love that person]. But I feel so happy when I’m around you… I want to cuddle 😻 .

Meanwhile my mount of sales is still 0, and I still want to leave this life behind me, but now that I can’t live the life I want due to lack of capital, there is a session scheduled “with my parole officer”, Friday at 2 PM… I need to move to a different city to get the freedom I want. I wish I could move in to Victor’s house… I would so love to go for this spontaneous gamble 😻 . He could then also teach me everything about being a powerful and responsible Graeyniss and I could be his sexy sidekick wearing formal but tight dresses whenever we’re out in public together 😻 .

My brain feels fried from the stress of being back at ground 0 when it comes to my justice in psychiatry, and fatigue from writing so much. I’m going to play the piano… People didn’t anticipate on the previous versions of my business website, so I feel very low motivation to finish this new one. Please just buy my essay so that I can get the fuck out of this fucking awful situation and we can finally start doing actual business.

Danke schön 🙂

Oh and I just made the “explicit content” category. Especially after Instagram fully blocking my voice, while I get to see porn videos I don’t want to see either, in my feed with suggested content. Is there anyone interested in suggesting which other posts should be in that category?

I’m – in ieder geval – going to add “Een verhaaltje”, “Not Dead Yet” and “Death O’Clock” to it… And after that I’m going to play the piano xxx

If you want me to hold a piano concert, please buy my essay. The same goes for better quality content…

[products category=”essays-3″]

~~~

22:47 (10:47 PM)

New Twitter highlights:


[Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha]


[That was sarcasm… Seriously don’t ask…]


[I can’t even buy an ISBN for it… Maybe I should give it a D.O.C.I.S. International Publication Code…]


[~Project Nosce Te Ipsum~…]

Meowww my mind is getting attached to the idea of getting married to my Vicje 😻 . “Vicje” sounds like a verkleinwoord, but I say it for the pronunciation, which sounds like a little orgasm, because I just find him that attractive. And I am sooo pickyyy… I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with? Intimately?

I’ve even been thinking of a guest list and how fucking many people “from my circle” I would not invite HAHAHAHA 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 . [My sister is welcome 🙂 . (Ze is net zo oud als… What’s her name? 😋 ) Other than that, I don’t know…] And how many people I have never met in person before I would invite!!! And we should really do something with speeding cars spinning donuts and figure 8’s!!! 😻

It would be such an awesome way of getting the fuck out of this room forever 😀 . I just want to know everything about being a Graeyniss, meneer Graeyniss… 😻
& A semi-long “Hitlerjugend” haircut would look sooooo good on you! 😻 😻 😻

Haha jeeetje mina, I’m getting so lost in this fantasy! 😻 I could then finally be with my Cuddles and other Graeynissis, tooooo! 😻 But how to make this reality? Or get my heart broken and get the fantasy out of my head 🙁 . Preferably before Friday at 2 PM…

HAHA if I’d call tomorrow, what on Earth should I casually say? “Met Victor” “H-Heey… Met Dominique… [Ik zeg eigenlijk liever “Fangs” of “The Fangs”]. Wat heb je aan? 😻 Ik vind onweer echt eng. Mag ik bij jou onder de dekens komen schuilen? Heb je een bed dat groter is dan reguliere mensen hun bed? Wat eet je graag voor ontbijt??? Ik kom er zo aan doeei tot zoooo 🙂 .” Haha he makes me weak in the kneeeees. Cishe? 😀

Lol noo I don’t dare to call… I prefer to see one’s face when I speak to him/her. Don’t ask me how I survived last year as telefonisch hulpverlener ahahaha… I didn’t even pick up when my “parole officer” called today x_x.

If I’d marry a Graeyniss, I would naturally start my D.O.C.I.S. Alliance. With such a sexy Graeyniss! 😻
I think my husband would support my business aspirations… 😻 My family hasn’t, my ex hasn’t, psychiatry hasn’t, I don’t even have real friends…. I think I’m ready for marriage 😀 .

Haha this is such a randomly far too awesome fantasy taking over me… 😻 I want kisses [ = Cishes, for those who are new here 🙂 ] 😻

Meanwhile, in “reality”: another day of procrastination, when it comes to my business website and making a new theme for my blog… And I also want to do something with thefangs.nl, but I don’t know what yet…

If we’d get married, there should certainly be a livestream 🙂 . How about we make it a benefit of 24 hours????? 😻 Because I don’t like saying goodbye to you… To any of you!!! ♥ And I still have big stacks of plans laying around in my mind, which I’ve not put into practice yet… I would so love to do it together with you and ask for your perspective about everything 😻 .

But how to bypass the asking of hand, if we haven’t even spent time alone yet…? It should still really be bypassed, because the “no outsiders” policy in this family is far too strict… I don’t want to risk missing out on your loving 😻 . So fuck that tradition… Other traditions should also be taken with a grain of salt… Like postponing sex… But flowers shouldn’t be bypassed! I love flowers! Aw pleaseee… 😻 I’m not used to asking for expensive or “valueless” things and getting them without pleading for it at least a day… Zou ik dan ook zegmaar automatisch medeverenigingseigenares zijn??? 😻 That would be another one of my Graeyniss dreams come true!

Wist je dat ik in 2017 al een huwelijksvoorwaarden-achtig document had opgesteld? Ook om van die psychiatrische onzin af te kunnen komen. Echt toevallig 😏 . Vooral omdat men me weer aan de antipsychotica wil krijgen! Haha help me pleaseee mijn Catje… ♥

I feel like typing about this forever! But I should cut down on screen time, because it’s after twelve and I should attempt to keep my sleeping schedule the way it was when I was in that crisis center [which shouldn’t even exist. What a waste of tax and insurance money…]. Ik ben nu zogenaamd opgelapt? 😂

So I’m going to read a book or something and then lake myself to sleep… Guess what I’ll be fantasizing about!

Good night ♥

The Fangs loves you ♥

xxx

Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Highlights [Monday, May 27, 2019]

00:00 (12:00 AM)

I tweet so much that if I wouldn’t share it here as well, it would be impossible to create an oversight.

So highlights (of highlights):

For more oversight:

  • There will be no book release this 30th. My entire project is put on hold as long as no one participates.

D.O.C.I.S.:

  • Useful powerful people leave their positions and form an alliance with me. (Positions in the government, corporations and classrooms.)
  • We design a new system for when the waterworks are not there anymore, and put that system into practice.
  • There will be a new monetary system.
  • I am innocent.

~~~

00:27 (12:27 AM)

My goddd these accusations again…

Ever since I’ve gone missing and my parents betrayed me, everyone always defends them, instead of me (kanker irritant):

Oh and the housing deal is off. It would be a total ripoff for me, and I’d earn from something illegal.

~~~

01:57 (AM)

If there were a FIOD raid in this house, and the entire family were taken in for questioning, I would be prepared as fuck. I would be able to defend myself – but still hope my Vicje would like to by my sexy lawyer – so very well. I know my defence, which is the absolute truth, by heart, and you can check my websites for further reference. Enjoy your read 🙂 .

I’ll also defend my sister – because she’s young, sweet and uninformed. The rest will try to frame us. If they haven’t already… I hope she won’t do that to me 🙁 . She’s too young 🙁 .

~~~

02:27 (AM)

Muy importante:

Ooh en deze ook:

En nu ga ik slapen. Ik zeg altijd wanneer ik ga slapen, zodat je over me zal waken 🙂 ♥

Welterusten liefjes ♥ ♥

xxx

13:41 (01:41 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Another day alive and breathing as a family snitch. An important “lesson” I have “learnt” as a child, is that I may never tell anyone about the illegal activities within the family I have always been aware of. With a threatening undertone, softened by future dependency.

They’d make me their money slave after retirement. They often use psychological warfare tactics for fun. There are many more young victims. Those who were raised with the thought that we are blood relatives: family. We’re only fraud relatives, and you should step up, too, if you’re a witness. Fuck the fake family.

All people living off fraud and doing nothing good with it, should be assassinated. That is one of the things I want my future business to do. A bit like SAW…

I ate a piece of picaña and twister fries before bed, and now have diarrhea x_x. This is inconvenient for the small portions of food I keep my vital organs running with. But it’s convenient for my flaming “I’d rather die than continue to live in this illegal hell” feeling. I’ve now eaten a mandarine “for afternoon breakfast”. I’ll eat another one and then shower this watery feces feeling off of me…

~~~

15:15 (03:15 PM)

Cute questionnn ♥

I can’t kill everyone in this fucking mafia kartel, without your help… Please, make me happy…

~~~

16:31 (04:31 PM)

More important highlights:

The people I’m thinking of killing:

  1. Denise Ifna Elia-Hanenberg
  2. Sidney Derrick Elia
  3. Michael Dreier
  4. Eric Raymond Chin-Ten-Fung
  5. Pascale Chin-Ten-Fung-Hooyman
  6. Gwendell van Riemsdijk
  7. Everyone spreading bullshit news on social media, frauds, bullies and dumb racists
  8. There are A LOTTTTT of people on my “maybe” list…

I want to do it myself!!!

More:

Piano timeee…

~~~

17:22 (05:22 PM)

~~~

18:06 (06:06 PM)

I threaten and the police and acute dienst should come to my house in about 45 minutes. I’ll pack a backpack before I start 🙂 .

~~~

18:58 (06:58 PM)

After the world knows you really shouldn’t fuck with Lil Fangs 🙂 .

It will not be 45 minutes. It’s “After my mother comes back from spontaneously visiting her friend’s house.”

Ga ik ondertussen wel even deze goloks (toch¿) schoonmaken…

~~~

19:08 (07:08 PM)

Ze zijn schoon & ik ga toch wel maar met eentje naar beneden ipv twee, straks wanneer mijn moeder terug is, want anders heb ik geen hand vrij om te grijpen.

Ik heb trouwens ook alvast ingepakt:

Zorg aub dat ik in het Nederlandse prison system niet extreem onjuist behandeld zal worden…

Still waiting though…

~~~

19:21 (07:21 PM) 

I’ll give them – les parents – the space to eat something. So that I can gather the family in front of the television, the way we have, so way to fucking often.

I want them dead, but this house is not a safe place to kill them. There are too many snakes in this country.

I genuinely hope you’re looking out for me…

~~~

20:08 (08:08 PM)

VICJEEEEE 🙁

~~~

20:45 (08:45 PM)

I’ve just been prognosed with mania and will probably be taken into an institution again. They’re discussing it now.

~~~

21:32 (09:32 PM)

So the three individuals of the acute dienst have just left and the next step is waiting until “Bavo Europoort Poortmolen” has found a different spot to stall me, because they’re full. There are too many crazy people in this town, haha…

Strategooooooo

Look out for my sister bitte 🙁 .

Phones etc. are not allowed, there, so I wonder how Lil Fangs will be treated… Only my sister and other Graeynissis may visit me…

~~~

23:14 (11:14 PM)

🙁

~~~

23:27 (11:27 PM)

My heart hurts 🙁 . I hope this will be my last time living through this. Through the conversations that insinuate that I’m mentally insane. I just want to make some political power moves in this world…

I’m waiting for my intake, here in the crisis center…

Need cuddles 🙁 .

~~~

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Death O’Clock [Saturday, May 25, 2019]

01:19 (AM) 

I still either want to get killing or die. I don’t feel hunger anymore. Only this intense headache. I’m losing weight fast, though…

I’ve never felt sooo…

Fangy…

You are free to act as you wish. Messing with me might backfire on you, though.

~~~

02:02 (AM)

Someone please tell me that it’s Death O’Clock….

I really need to take a shower, but my body has become so weakened after not eating for so long 🙁 . Still gonna try it, though… Wil je zorgen dat ik niet dood neerval door de combinatie van stoom en hitte? Mijn haren moeten nog steeds echt gewassen worden… 🙁

~~~

02:32 (AM)

I just untied the wild catty braids I made earlier, still going to wash it, missing my Vicje… I really need Tallniss cuddles

~~~

04:06 (AM)

Including twisting my afro, I’m still here. Thank you for being on the lookout.

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14:26 (02:26 PM)

Good afternoon 🙂

My hunger headache has reached the next level. But aside from that, I still feel better than ever. I’m being myself, not adapting to (cultural) social customs anymore, and I have a cool picture with a cool politician. I find peace in my loneliness now. Decided to continue completely ignoring “my parents”. We don’t have anything to talk about anyway.

They deprive me from family capital, because they know I’d turn it into business and not have time for them anymore. They’re in my way, and that is why I wish to kill them. It’s the only way for me to get access to that capital…

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16:03 (04:03 PM)
What I’m doing:


I keep updating the main tweet. Posting on Twitter goes quicker than posting on my blog…

I’m going to have a glass of water and seek for a piece of properly looking fruit…

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16:25 (04:25 PM)

ASKfm should really stop deleting my question answers… It should even restore them, I find. It’s too bad my comment section isn’t used to ask me questions in real-time, otherwise I could delete my ASKfm account.

From the questions that are not deleted, it now looks like some twisted sex account. I wish I’d get Stratagem related questions 🙁 . (Unfinished website is part of that. The fuck? With some of that family capital, I could easily hire an IT staff… These people are soooo dumb with money x_x.)

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16:53 (04:53 PM)

The scope of my life

My mother always tells me that this is depressing. It’s less depressing than being surrounded by proletarians, and would be even less depressing if her conversation weren’t very depressing. I wish to not have to endure that anymore.

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17:46 (05:46 PM)

No proper fruit found… Too busy with phone to drink water?

I ordered the deluxe mix…

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18:33 (06:33 PM)

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21:03 (09:03 PM)

Now changing bedsheets…

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Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Popular Posts

Een verhaaltje

Er was eens een Nigeriaanse prins, die de mooiste ogen en de grootste intelligentie van het hele land had.

Hij ontmoette Queen Fangs op een dronken avond, beiden niet wetende dat ze Queen Fangs heet. (Verzin dit ter plekke…)

They have had very good chemistry. Too good, some would say…

Beiden worden ze regelmatig gediscrimineerd. Ze zijn daarom bang voor liefde. Zo bang dat ze elkaar veel pijn hebben gedaan.

Het wantrouwen werd te groot, toen Fangs niet durfde te zeggen dat ze de geur van zijn adem en smaak van zijn speeksel niet lekker vindt, en dat ze zich onzeker en een beetje beledigd voelde, omdat hij in een jaar tijd nog nooit in haar mond klaargekomen is.

The end.

N.a.v.

Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Not Dead Yet… [Friday, May 24, 2019]

10:45 (AM) 

In reference to yesterday:

Dumb fucking algorithm…

This is a popular post AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(It only has 12 views, why my most popular post has 2000+ views. This is sarcasm…)
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15:50 (03:50 PM)

It’s not 22 people. Just The Fangs…

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16:48 (04:48 PM)

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21:40 (09:40 PM)

Wow, 36 🙂

This bloodlust is driving me crazy yoooo… Hunger is also driving me crazy, still. Barbaren bederven mijn eetlust…

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