Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 27, 2019

02:33 (AM) 

Meoww I haven’t had much time to write yesterday. But I surely have thought of you! I took a some pictures I wanted to share with you. And I have an update on Volta ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

This yesterday’s my lunch at Bridges:

L-t-r: herring and its eggs; a carrot with wasabi, sesame and seaweed [fave out of three]; and a madeleine (maybeยฟ I’m writing it incorrectly) which had a lot of subtle sweet, salty and sour flavours

Mussels topped with cream, pistachio and a lottt of ingredients that were new to me and rapidly listed. I would love to use it in my own dishes, though. (That’s always, when I eat at this type of restaurant.)

Mackerel, black garlic mousse, kroepoek made of seaweed, dashi(?) and more foreign tastes. The quality of the fish itself was very nice.

I got the un-cuddle plate every time ๐Ÿ™ . This is cod with obvious other ingredients. I think this was my favorite course, next to that carrot. Not because it’s obvious! Because I love the subtle taste of roomboter, combined with soft fish and potatoes. 

The financhรฉ (might be writing it wrong again) on the left in the back was my favorite. Very crispy! Then it’s the chocolate with five spices, in the middle in the front. Then the crisp nougat. Then the passion fruit macaroon. Then the coconut covered marshmallow. And then the white chocolate, filled with ยฟ. I drank jasmine tea with this ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meoww, because we were in the city center, I thought of buying a dress for you, in case I’m lucky enough to become a Graeyniss.

This was option A, but I need to lose a few pounds for this

So I chose this one. I hope the cleavage isn’t too much…

I’m very thankful that my mother payed all of this for me. I, myself, still only have accounts that are almost maxed out. I hope that one day, I can pay her back, and give her even more than that. 

I hope that that day will come soon. I hope Volta will sell. 

I’ve just finished the reference summary for later today, for when I [attempt to…] finish the book. It’s going to be legendary! For the reader and for me… We answer questions throughout the chapter, and all of those separate answers, form the perfect life’s path, when you put them in the right order!! I expected it to work, because I know it does, but I didn’t expect it to fit so perfectly. Our paths intertwining might be inevitable after this! Please read it!!! 😻

I’m happy :D. I hope I make it in time, though. Meoww I write for Graeynissis… Not at all for (familiar……) plebians. I don’t recommend it for familiar faces, whose relationship with me has changed negatively, because my Volta includes me airing out my heart and being very honest about how I truly feel underneath my facade. Some people really don’t want to know how I feel underneath all of this… Underneath this:

Many thanks to my mom for taking this picture part 1

Thanks part 2 meoww ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m going to eat something, because my stomach sounds like a heavy metal band, and then I’ll be going to sleep 

Sweet Dreams 

I Love You ♥


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, January 24, 2019

04:34 (AM) 

Meowss chapter 2 isn’t finished yet… But I’m loving it a lot more, now that I’ve summarized the cause of my current feelings. The next step is explaining those feelings in detail, and explaining the feelings I want to have in detail. That’s what I’ll be doing today. In one of Amsterdam’s public libraries, because even though the temperature will fluctuate between 0 and – 6 degrees Celsius: I have been indoors for far too long. I hope it won’t be too slippery outside, because I’ll be carrying my laptop bag in my hand. (The shoulder cord broke, in my second to last year of high school… That’s how long I have it… I’m sustainable… And not having that much money… Plus, my taste is overly specific.)

The book is 42 small pages now. (But there’s a chapter to finish and a few chapters to write, still.) I want it to be a “pocket”-sized book. Clarity is important, but so is thickness, for this pocket guide. (Isn’t that Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ˜€ ) 

The summary is part of the example of my “how to flip your life over” method. It has worked in the past, for me, but then, I didn’t have any external factors interfering. The renewed method, includes how to cause that shift, and don’t allow external factors to fuck shit up. 

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. 

I love you so much

I hope you’ll love my new book! โ™ฅ

Good night


14:08 (02:08 PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’ll be visiting the public library of Amsterdam today, to work on Volta. It’s going to be a very cool book! ๐Ÿ˜€  There’s a lot of diversity in its content, the way the content of the Nosce Te Ipsum series is diverse. But this book is more promotable than that series is! I’ll be doing its marketing on the platforms I release them on. Facebook and Instagram have increased my web traffic in the past, but I (still) haven’t found an audience that understands and appreciates my one-of-a-kind content… I’m keeping my fingers crossed for these Graeynissis…! 

I mentioned something about “counter media” by means of correcting for that false publicity and clearing my name, but now I think it’s best to keep things silent until the tangibles of my thesis are done, because I’m afraid a lot of people might whine about wanting to miss out on mandatory ugh like making tests et cetera. But the work I’ll do instead will be three times as hard and four times as challenging… And I want to be far ahead of any competition ๐Ÿ˜€ . Just kidding… I like competition, when it’s creative. Nevermind. Let people whine and try to do the same as I do ๐Ÿ™‚ . The bar is very high. 

Currently, I’m making my first meal of the day: a fried egg (ft. tomatoes, thyme and okra) with mashed parsnip. 

I often improvise something with whatever ingredients I find

I might also buy clothes in case I might be invited to meet some Graeynissis soon… Or maybe it’s better to do that online… Maybe I’ll just treat myself to a good meal somewhere. But I need to keep some cash aside for marketing my book and maybe taking a train to Rotterdam for that meeting. Haha meoow I really hope my offer won’t be refused, because the other paths to my Volta are very long. And this one is like literal magic ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Gotta flip this egg xxx


16:25 (04:25 PM) 

I’m in the metro on my way to the library now. I think I’ll stop for some food, before I go there. 

In Volta, I have minimalized my use of brackets. It’s suitable for a larger reach than the Nosce Te Ipsum series is, also because the content is more interesting for a greater diversity of people. Everyone wants to get the best out of life, and seeks methods for this. Not everyone is excited about being a research subject. Both book series include the encouragement of self-reflection, though. 

Haha I’m already tired – from my fucked up sleeping schedule. But I intend to keep up working on Volta in the library, so that I “have a reason” to wear makeup (it’s more of an excuse than a reason haha), walk, not wear sweatpants, be outside, et cetera. It’s also way better for my concentration, I think. And I intend to go to sleep before twelve tonight, so that I can go to the library earlier. I’m not going to the university library here, because they have a strange policy for non-students and I like working until closing time (if not past it…) ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


17:12 (05:12 PM) 

The public library of Amsterdam looks very pretty ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Haha struggling to find the right page to show you in this picture:

Haha me treating myself with some food, looks very different from when my parents take me along to whatever restaurant

But I’m enjoying my nerd session ๐Ÿ™‚ . The progress is looking well. But my second chapter just keeps getting longer and longer, and I’m now at “topic I want to touch on” 2 out of three [breaking grammar rules meoww yaay]. Haha this deadline will be a tight one, again. I’ll make it, though, and my content won’t look rushed! Haha why do I always find it more important to stick to my words? (Yeah because I can’t stand it when people point out that I haven’t. Those fucking hypocrites hahahaha.) 

I’ll be writing xxxx


19:27 (07:27 PM) 

Haha meoww discussing incoming mail (“post”) over text = tachycardia. I received another set of letters from the Dutch Tax Agency:

I’m confused? I never used that aftrek and there was no profit to account for? Only business expenses I didn’t mention, so actually I should get a tax back, but fuck the paperwork? Does this person want me to pay that? 


21:55 (09:55 PM) 

Meoww chapter 2 is done! It’s a fun read ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m exhausted! I’m on 57 pages now. No more writing for today! Besides preparing the paper summary for tomorrow, so that I won’t divagate too much. And sharing my thoughts with you ๐Ÿ˜€ . Haha shitt I’ve typed so much since What to not include in a motivation letter, I should change it to “keep an eye on my home page”. I’ve tried a newsletter, but no one signed up. Luckily, in retrospect, because that would give me even more writing deadlines. 

It’s so cold outside that it feels as if my nose is about to freeze off… I’m on my way back home. I’m wearing my Timberlands heels, because those are the only shoes with a profile that won’t make me slip. I thought, when I left… I now realize that I have a semi-formal pair of Timberlands in Amsterdam as well. (Most of my belongings are in Capelle, at my parents’, but most of my useful and valuable ones are in Amsterdam, with me. My outmost valuable belongings are with that bitch who stole my bag, in Berlin, of course. 

My poor external hard drives ๐Ÿ™ . My notebook… Letters from a Stoic… My wallet, my passport, my driver’s license, that leather wallet for my business cards, my jewelery… ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll never get over that x_x. I just want it back x_x. I would fang her. I think it’s that girl who asked me to zip up her dress, after which I was a bit out of focus, because I found her attractive. She was saying all kinds of things in German, but when I’m nervous, I can basically only speak Dutch, or bad English. I think in my rush to leave and not faint, I didn’t put my bag into my locker. If this would have happend in at the gym in Capelle, it wouldn’t have been stolen. But in Spandau, criminality is on a different level. The person where I used to stay at, regularly offered me stolen shit. Fucking immoral ugh. I wish there were a tracking device in my Toshiba hard drive ๐Ÿ™ . There’s soooooo much personal history on that niss. And the disk was already starting to make the noises of wear and tear, when reading data, so it had to be treated with care ๐Ÿ™ . Haha meoww this grief I feel x_x.

I’m almost home ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m just going to call it home. I feel more at home here anyway. But it’s still unnatural… I hope Volta will sell and that the Erasmus University will bring me good news ๐Ÿ™‚ . That’s my current “plan A”… 

I’m at my stop. Gotta walk xxxx 


23:35 (11:35 PM) 

I often walk while working on a post, but today, I had to literally keep my balance and look out for the places with the least ice on the ground. 

I’m too tired to do my pre-writing homework now, so I’ll do it tomorrow, before leaving. 

I look forward to tomorrow, because I love to write ๐Ÿ™‚ . Sucks that I don’t get paid for it hahaaa. I’ll stick to my deadline, because people might know/remember/have saved the date, when they’ve figured out the frequency in my release dates. Meoww I hope for purchases… And that everything will be shipped out to the online stores in time… I also need to design the cover. If I’m done by the end of the weekend, I’ll make it. 

Oh my god, this tax thing x_x. I’ve never accounted for all of my losses. I’ve always just filled out a 0, because it’s about very small amounts of money. (Relatively small… For me, it’s actually a lot.) But if I say that in a mail, they’ll want to raid my room for sure x_x. Haha they might bust my father. 

Meoow I can barely keep my eyes open… I’m going to sleep.

I love you 🙊

Good night โ™ฅ

xxx – 

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes, Reflections

Thursday, January 17, 2019

00:21 (12:21 AM) 

The new home page of the D.O.C.I.S. International website is done ๐Ÿ˜€ . Besides the “this website is being edited”, which I’ll take away when I’m done with all pages. 

I love that I’m finally outing my publisher’s approach! The reason why I kept waiting – and actually sort of still should be waiting – was because I wanted to have more than one publicist [now it’s only me ahahahah], before I transformed my site to that format. With those almost (to be) empty publicists [because saying “propagandist” is too controversial (apparently mainstream people will think that you’re evil when you use this term… I guess the annoyance from that stupidity secretly also made me very…), but when it comes to the diversity of our content, it feels like that word covers the load a lot better] and publications pages, I worry about coming off as a lot less than I can be. But at least now it’s very openly clear that I intend to publish for not only myself. And that I’m attempting to build an empire.

The reason why I’m doing it now, is because I might find suitable publicists at the university ๐Ÿ™‚ . I won’t publish a “51 shades of grey” [that’s a joke for a new book’s title… That’s how I find how creativity looks these days… With my unique approach, I hope to raise the bar…] or anything else in that meaningless category of entertainment. You can go to any other publisher in the world for that. Knowledge and wisdom – wisdom being my specialty [because to me, wisdom > knowledge and I detest citing other people’s findings/philosophy] – are the fundaments of D.O.C.I.S. International as an exclusive brand. 

I say “at the university”, because that abstract use of words don’t show that when it comes to finding the right people, there’s so much uncertainty. Also, from many experiences, I’m quite certain that I should not target students for this. Not only because many of them are actually not independent thinkers (it sometimes just seems like that, because they memorize other people’s content in such a way that they start to consider it part of their identity (and then there are superficial people who are worse)). Also because for the size of the endeavor behind my business, I need people who truly know how life works, or at least I need them to know what their purpose in life is (because I need to know what would make them happy after the shift). 

But real Graeynissis are so hard to reach ๐Ÿ™ . I hope being a student will work in my advantage. I hope I’ll even be allowed to just have a personal list of Graeynissis to approach for my thesis [just give me a letter of recommendation or something… I won’t survive the student experience until post-doc level…], who would also like to become my publicists, and skip out on all of the student mental slavery nonsense (kan jij niets aan doen…). We could even make a short series of videos about how we’ll establish everything ๐Ÿ™‚ . Meooow! 😻

Here are some pictures I’d like to share:

In my diary post of two days ago, I mentioned that I was going to make soup. I made this picture to insert it in the article, but I never did. I used okra, plantain, some yam, celery, unions and a tomato. 

Today, I made these shrimp. I let them rest overnight, in a marinade of ketjap manis and thyme. The next day (today), I added garlic (because I had to buy it, but the best would be to let them chill in that, too). I used griesmeel and paneer (“breadcrumbs” (but they’re in a carton package…)) instead of flour and paneer, because there wasn’t any and it’s a waste of buying it, if it will never be used for anything else [but now I’m in the mood for pancakes… I’m still broke as fuck, though……..]

They were veryyy tastyy

My “natural” approach to attempting to cure a sore throat… It’s going a bit better already ๐Ÿ™‚ . But swallowing still hurts a lot… Talking luckily doesn’t (that much) anymore ๐Ÿ™‚

Something really random that happend today, was that I got a call from some telemarketeer who wanted get me in touch with this agency of brokers. [That stupid KvK registration of mine gets me phone calls like that.]  And me expressing my “I don’t feel comfortable with gambling. It might be a hype now, but I don’t believe that we’ll go on like this forever. The value is fictive,” didn’t make her say: “Okay. Bye.” “Arguments” for were: “But with these expert brokers, you can make great profits!” “How would you find it if in future, we would all be trading instead of working?” Of course, every sheep would say: “Yay! Infinite money and infinite watching movies!” I said: “I would kill myself.” 

She was trying to get me to click a link she mailed me and sign up for something. For some reason, I really just can’t hang up in someone else’s ear. Even not when even my fucking heart (rate) wants it. I ended up obeying her orders and I was transferred to one of her experts – whose name is very cool ๐Ÿ™‚ – who was trying to get me to buy Amazon shares. Because they’re expecting great appreciation in the market for them. (I believe that in the end, it’s the influence of the media, indirectly incentivizing people to anticipate on the prediction, which causes the actual appreciation.)

[To me, mathematics > statistics…] I found his phone lecture on analysis of those “market volatility boxplots” [is how I’ll summarize it, because I suck at memorizing jargon] very interesting. At some point, I said that I would like to try it with ten euros. At the beginning of the conversation, he told me to download AnyDesk – a “controlling your desktop from a distance” application. After some hesitation – just like with the telemarkeer who started the whole thing… I fucking hate that this forcing people to do shit is found normal in our society – I did “make it happen” [hahahahahahaha… It’s funny because I think uni Graeynissis are Cuddle] and then suddenly, while 30 minutes ago I was busy paneering shrimp (unfinished, because I wasn’t able to just hang up), someone I don’t know, who spoke English with a (sexy) foreign accent [but where he was from, I couldn’t tell… Eastern Europe somewhere…], was drawing lines on a series of plots he opened on my laptop screen. 

When I gave in with the ten euros, he opened a screen to sign up on some trading website and asked me to fill it out. The form included a promotion code area and fields for my credit card number and the security code. All of my instincts told me that I shouldn’t show that information to anyone, but I still did it. He filled out a deposit of โ‚ฌ1000. I told him that it wasn’t going to work, because I don’t have that much money literally anywhere – I really don’t understand why people always assume that I have money. 

I told him that I could deposit ten euros (haha) on my prepaid credit card. When I showed him my debit account [it has -โ‚ฌ487,57, my limit is -โ‚ฌ500 and I have no income (still I would truthfully rather die than do the routine with fixed tasks and colleagues thing again… Never again [hi uni], thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ )]. He tried to up my limit, but I told him that changing a limit is only possible when you’re out of the red. Of course people never believe my word and it had to be tried first. And when my brokeness was confirmed – because what’s a broker’s profit with a deposit of ten euros – the conversation was ended. I ended the screen sharing and deleted the AnyDesk application right after, and “ran” CCleaner… 

I have such mixed feelings about trading. That ten euros was because since the moment I started to give in to that telemarketeer, I started to think: Yes, I know it will all collapse one day. But everyone is milking it right now. Why should I keep myself from it? It might get me out of trouble… (But it will never get me the profits I need anyway. That ten euros…. Hahaha that would all vanish to paying all of the parties in between, anyway.)

Such an unethical thought… I’m glad I still have my last ten euros ๐Ÿ™‚ . Please become my publicist… Yeaah another reason why I waited with the format of my business website, was because I wanted to be able to invest in your brand, as a business, by means of paying for your (initial) campaign, and then earning from a small share of what your campaign will generate for you. Now it will be the opposite… So I’ll be your publisher – so basically all I offer is 100% of my brainpower and my skills, but no money (yet) – but you’ll very unfortunately have to do the initial investment yourself… You won’t regret that part of your full independence, though! (And that in the beginning we might have to outsource instead of be full monopolists… The company is still “in its baby shoes”. But I love what’s ahead of us! โ™ฅ)

More about this after waking up…! “Tomorrow” doesn’t apply, because it’s now 02:19 AM, but I still “”need” to do my long sleep” otherwise I [= actually the daylight] might [make meยฟ] feel like shit.  I wonder if sleep, in general, really is necessary? Haha oh yess but of course I don’t want to go against “science”. Just like “the Earth is round”. [I have never seen that in real life, “with my naked eyes”, so…]

“Break of screen gazing” applies better than “sleeping”, I guess. I’m just chilling with my Head Cuddle and sometimes take a nap. Never do I sleep longer than 4 hours in a row. 


Good night

I love you! โ™ฅ


13:48 (01:48 PM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

I hope your day is Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ . I would like to change my statement about not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row: I do sleep longer than that, when I have a (long) dream.  I want to make a drawing of what I saw, again! (The moon part…) It was about that humans cultivated the moon’s landscape (its craters were changed into very big patterns) and that on the night the moon, by changing itself into text for short periods of time, announced that it was going to shoot fire from the sky, which was going to make all water of fire (“because moon fire is veryy hott”), I was staying in Amsterdam and the family friends who own the house I live in (with them), were on a holiday on the moon [with my family], so I was here chilling with their son [tripping about that my parents’ house is next to water and all of my grandfather’s books would burn… (All houses seemed larger in my dream.)]. After dinner and playing Halo in his room, I suddenly kissed him…? I felt my conscious body’s heart’s distress [my dreams are always lucid], being in that This could lead to an “Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing?” and a great dose of heartache afterwards, or being pleasantly surprised…? worry. And then, the rest of the dream, we were kissing? There wasn’t even moon fire to notice? Haha I feared I was going to be stuck in some nightmare, but it was quite a fun dream 😋. I woke up slightly past twelve AM (for the first time in a long time).

Now I’m going to eat, write [(featuring pen and paper) by means of creating an overview for my websites and motivation letter], shower and wash my hair, and then work on my business website (and motivation letter, hoping that I can finish it all, today…). [You should know that I fall in love very easily, but never out this (first). And that I love too many people to have a traditional relationship (ever again). I hope my future life will include a lot of true love and a lot of nerdy things.] Meow 😸 xxxxxxx. 


15:56 (03:56 PM) 

A change of plans made me write this article. I’m still in bed… Having my all-seasons blanket from “home” here, and a more convenient room temperature, allow me to sleep with only my panties on again (super yay :D). 

If this were my own home and I were by myself, I would enter the kitchen wearing only my panties, as well. But it isn’t and there are guests downstairs. I might not be able to resist socializing with the family friends’ (steph-)grandchildren, but that would mean that I, again, am another day away from completing my admission. 

I’ve been thinking of writing a What not to write in an motivation letter post and including that in my admission letter, as a link. That’s because I won’t be able to say all that I want to say, in that letter of max 400 words, and there are things “I want the university to know” [haha enallageยฟ ooh no personification haha. My babyy โ™ฅ], while those are officially not things that will make someone say: “She will be an amazing student!” (Truthfully, I doubt if I’ll survive the dreadful routine and suicidal thoughts that come with being a full time student who has to attend 70% of all tutorials and has to make homework and stuff… But my life depends on it, so failure is not an option (anymore)…) 

So I’m now going to quickly shower, while playing music (as usual, by the way) [and hope that my hunger and the heat from the shower won’t make me pass out], postpone washing my hair with another day (because twisting my afro takes time too haha eww), and go downstairs – with intentions of binge eating… Will be starting my day with dinner…? x_x And then I’ll see if I’ll be able to concentrate on working. My desk is, as it is in every place I’ve ever lived in: the dinner table. I need a sexy office :D.


16:15 (04:15 PM) 

By the way:

Sort of not bad…. Especially after quitting all other forms of social media, aside from ASKfm

Not bad…?

But still no people reaching out to me or anything, so meooow 😿😾. Okayy now I’m really going to shower xxxxxxxxxxxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 13, 2019

13:58 (01:58 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I couldn’t sleep last night, from the excitement (and light stress about the possibility of being rejected) for studying to obtain a bachelor (and hopefully being able to do this “the apprentice way”, receiving guidance for the research projects I’ve already broken down, instead of doing it via the regular homework -> test, homework -> test, homework-> test -> thesis, way).

I’ve already written down what I’ll include in my motivation letter. At first I wanted to settle for only econometrics, or maybe philosophy on top of that as well, but if I’d listen to my heart, and study what I truly desire to study – this is what I was contemplating about, back in 2016, too – I should apply for the double bachelor in both economics and econometrics. I know I can pass anything, when I choose to truly study for it. 

It’s also the perfect balance for my interests in mathematical modelling and behavioral economics, as well as a better stepping stone to knowledge on (the economical side of) international politics. Still no lectures from my B, though ๐Ÿ™ . 

What makes writing the motivation letter a challenge, is that it has a maximum of 400 words and there are quite some things that have to be included, which leave less room for me to talk about my research proposal and my business, since what I strive towards is not a regular application. 

What I strive towards is being assigned a few (the more, the better 😻) Graeynissis, who could recommend theories I should master, about which I then write proof [instead of making tests ewww… Unless my proposal will be declined. Then, for the sake of still being allowed in: “Yay, I love making tests!”], and they could guide me in my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis, to make sure that I deliver an end result that looks perfectly Graey 🙊. It would be so much fun 😻.

Haha I’m assembling documents… I had to ask my mother to send me my high school diploma. Check it out, haha…:

But for the admission, I actually need a stamp from the school on it… I really don’t want to go all the way to Rotterdam, with my no money, just to ask for a stamp and say that I’m a uni drop-out who wants to succeed this time x_x

I rarely studied, so the list really isn’t that bad ๐Ÿ™‚ . I can do muuuuuuuch better, though! You’ll see ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Aaaand palpitations ft. tachycardia strike again:

They’re simply just not getting this? What the fuck? De openstaande kosten zouden verlaagd moeten worden met โ‚ฌ5230, omdat ik wegens persoonlijke omstandigheden, mijn aangifte niet op tijd kon doen. 

Willie maaahnn waarom doe je dit ๐Ÿ™ . I can’t say no to him x_x. There go my last pennies x_x.

Meowss I’m going to get out of bed, brush my teeth and work on my websites and motivation letter. xxxxxx


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Friday, January 11, 2019

15:04 (03:04 PM) 

Good afternoonzz โ™ฅ

How are you today? 

I’m tired easily and chest achy, the way I usually am. I made this for “breaklunch”:

Those papers on the background are those medical documents I shared earlier, but this time with notes for doctor Cuddle. I can’t wait to see him ๐Ÿ˜€

I just left the pharmacy, close to where I stay in Amsterdam. I was there to buy a urine cup, because that’s what’s needed for the completion of doctor Cuddle’s research, but after waiting there for 30 minutes, there were two waiting people helped, and still 9 people in front of me, so I’m glad my mother found one at the drogisterij. 

Then I started to feel dizzy again, so I bought some water and “fresh” juice at the supermarket. Because I needed something on my stomach, I ended up settling for grote kaasstengels x_x. I’ve really had enough of supermarket food, truthfully…

But meoww now we’re on the road ๐Ÿ˜€ . On our way to Dรผsseldorf, to that hotel where I stayed the very first time I went to Germany for a doctor’s visit, which was where I met doctor Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ . If he wouldn’t have asked me to visit him at his other practice, I would have probably been dead already. He could have also just sent me home the way every Dutch doctor has, but he hasn’t and it’s starting to show that what I’ve been stating about my health is right. I love that he’s willing to go the extra mile for me [especially because of the potential diseases I speak of “don’t suit my age” (but neither does my entire personality…) and he’s actually willing to listen to it]. He’s so Cuddle! ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ


17:15 (05:15 PM) 

We just crossed the border. Yay :D.


18:12 (06:12 PM) 

Same room type, different dayy:

The last time I was here, I didn’t have this jacket yett. My eyes were also less swollen… 

Sillyface Fangsss my tongue has been deshaped ever since those psycho pillss


22:37 (10:37 PM) 

I’m back in our hotel room, after having visited the sauna here and before that, dinner. 

Dinner was soooo tastyyy 😻

My lamb’s rack was crispy and rare 😻. So perfecttt and that while I didn’t even ask for its rareness! (We were at Casa Mattoni. Our intention was to eat in the hotel’s restaurant, but it was reserved for a private occasion, so they made a reservation for us there.)

Tastiest risotto ever ๐Ÿ˜€ . It went very well with my pesce ๐Ÿ™‚

I can never turn down tiramisu 😻. It was very subtly flavored, which is the way I like my fooodd. From how full my glass of wine still is, you see how much of a slow drinker I actually am. It’s better for me to fully quit. I’ll learn how to say “No” soon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It was within a walking distance of where we’re staying (Melia Innside Dรผsseldorf Seestern) – and I made it there and back without even feeling like fainting, so yay. 

Right after coming back, we went into the sauna. On the one hand, I believe that wellness things are good for my heart issues, but not all of them, I guess. The heat and small space create such mental pressure. At some point I felt like fainting again, so I just went out and took a quick shower to “restabilize”. 

Now I’m extremely tired, so I’m going to go to bed. I look forward to tomorrow’s breakfast and even more to seeing doctor Cuddle ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Good night, sweetie โ™ฅ

I love you so much 🙊 โ™ฅโ™ฅ


Art, Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

12:38 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I just finished my first meal of the day

My body feels less weak than yesterday, but weaker than the day before that.  I don’t feel strong enough to go for a walk, later, but I’m going so crazy from being indoors all of the time. I want to move some. So I might still just do it. 

But first… I’ll take a short nap on the couch… ๐Ÿ™ My level and frequency of fatigue are insane :'(. Love you xxx


13:03 (01:03 PM) 

Change of plansss. I find myself too smelly to lay on a couch that is not mine. So I’ll be showing firsttt… 


18:01 (06:01 PM) 

I decided to draw today



I’m almost donee but part of the fam came home and we’re about to have dinner now. Meoww two days until I hopefully have some better health…


18:59 (06:59 PM) 

This is where I was before around dinner:

The black has a sort of confusing effect, because it was used to outline and for facial features, but I think that will be less, when I’m done

Meoww I can barely keep my eyes open. My chest pains are appearing more frequently, too ๐Ÿ™ . I’m glad I only have to entertain my weakened self for one more day, tomorrow, and then Friday we’re already heading to Germany. 

In case I fall in a deep sleep that takes me overnight 

Good night

I love you 

xxx – 

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Saturday, January 5, 2019

02:32 (AM) 

Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist… 

I’m still very tired and this headache makes me prefer to sleep – but at the same time, I like talking. The “It’s alive!!!” joke made me think for a second that I’m better off in my own bed, but our long conversation made me change my mind. It also made me forget about the awful headache I have – besides the moments I accidentally stared into a lamp. 

By the way, before I changed my policy of speaking my mind, I was on a path of busting my father for the illegal shit he’s doing. I still wouldn’t care at all if he were to get caught. It might even be a relief. Since we have nothing to talk about. 

In this life, a parent should support you in the life’s path you have the right to develop yourself. If you want to play a dictator and with animal-like screaming and other forms of aggression, to push through “the parent’s dream of a child’s future”, you can fuck off… In the end, that’s all I care about anyway. A lot of people say that he loves me and shit, and I allow these people to say it [as in I don’t use the 1001 arguments I have as to why not (money > kids = #1)], but I have seen very different things. 

But how the meow can I future, then? ๐Ÿ™ Okay, at first I need my heart rate fixed, et cetera… But I kind of very much want to rule the world… The more I lay in bed, the less I get the impression that I ever will… Meoow ๐Ÿ™ . Do we do living happily ever after…? I have so many questions about that viral missing campaign, but those who I want to ask questions, I can’t reach… That’s soooo fucking unfair, it makes me want to fang whoever caused that… 

I’m off to go back to bed

I would like a harness for my Wirbelsaรผle, by the way. And a antiknarsgebit… Et cetera… 

Meow haha

Good night

I love you [an expression that always gives me palpitations lol. But I do…]


PS. I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks and untying those twists took some pressure off my head. But I need to prevent it from tangling, so I made these little buns… They’re a bit too tight, for my headache, so I’ll make them more loose… 

Meow… Forcing myself to not pull up my shoulders, because of stupid pains. I’ll be sleeping with that exact same sweater… And sport socks… 

11:07 (AM) 

Good morning meow โ™ฅ

I still feel sick ๐Ÿ™ . I need forehead kisses ๐Ÿ™ . Then I’ll feel better! 😻

That medizinische Eingriff for my tachycardia should take place soon, as well as maybe operations for those ongeremde celdeling cyste-ish infection (since antibiotics don’t work. But I don’t know if it’s possible. Also, maybe my pancreas is torn?

Meoow I’m quite scared of being put onder narcose, though ๐Ÿ™ . Veryyy scared, actually. (Yet still I’m pro operating instead of taking pills/chemo/things like that. It’s more natural.) I need Graeyniss Cuddle support ๐Ÿ™ . Then I’ll feel a lot less tense ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’m still in bed, but I’m hungry… Meow, I don’t want to get up ๐Ÿ™ . But my stomach hurts from the hunger, so I’ll have to go downstairs xxx [Need to buy yoghurt and cruesli or ask someone to buy it, for tomorrow or some, since I need to eat varied healthy. But today, it’s tosti time ๐Ÿ™‚ .]


18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meow ๐Ÿ™ 

I collapsed earlier today. As I took the tea bag out of my tea and the tosti iron was hot, I noticed my sight started to get blurry. I knew it was because of the hunger, so with my last strength, I quickly put the ham and cheese on top of the slice of white bread, and put the other slice of bread on top of it, while telling myself: I’ll be fine. I’ll make it to the couch and regain my strength there.  I closed the tosti iron and thought: But I need more vitamins, actually. And after it, I will get hungry again… I thought I would never have this anymore. My body became heavier.  I tried to walk out of the kitchen, to the couch, but around the door opening, it became very hard to breathe. I felt that I was about to faint and softly threw myself to the ground, before gravity would. (One of the things I’ve learnt from fainting so often, as a kid.) 

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed. I kept telling myself. “What’s up? Try to get up.” “I need food,” I was able to say. Speaking costs a lot of energy. I crawled onto the couch. She gave me cookies. I was only able to eat in a laying down position. 

I’m so low on energy, still. It has been years since I’ve had a moment like this. I worry about it happening again ๐Ÿ™ . I need to see doctor Cuddle and my Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™ . 

When I got myself onto the couch, I first didn’t even have enough strength to change my position. Later I was able to. Even later, I was able to walk to the toilet. After dinner – Jamiro made pasta with Salmon 😻 – I was semi-able to go upstairs to get my phone. Other than that, all I’ve been able to do is lie down. I think the whole situation with my current life, finances and health situation just made my head spin, along with tachycardia. I want my heart rate to slow down a bit ๐Ÿ™ . (Could we succeed in doing that, by switching to a more calm environment and stuff? If avoiding a medische ingreep is possible, I would like to…) 

Meow I need serious medical assistance, but this country will get me killed ๐Ÿ™ . My Dutch medical records portray me as the spawn of Satan, and so “health care professionals” treat me as such [as you know, I speak from experience]. In het IJsselland ziekenhuis, for example, October 2016, this motherfucker (I wish I had a license to kill, when I think of him) named Mustafa, who works for Bavo Europoort [which is next to het IJsselland ziekenhuis (the department I ended up at (the closed vicinity))], came for a consult, because I didn’t want to go home [back to unnecessary fights] and I was still in pain. (But het IJsselland ziekenhuis is very small, so their policy is very much oriented on getting beds empty quickly. What my grandfather had, didn’t have to kill him.) The pain made me scream. This kanker idioot told me to act normal, because he was trying to talk to me. And that I should go home to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I replied: “So you spoke to my parents? [I did not tell him it was my mother’s birthday.] I can barely walk.” 

He told the nurses that they should give me lorazepam instead of painkillers (that’s why I want that license) and that I’m not allowed to go to the “psychiatric hospital” myself, but that I should be tied onto a brancard (like a mummy) “because he heard that I’m the type of person who runs away”. [I wonder how many people survive psychiatric hospitals… Those medicines and their treatment is deadly. The mental states they consider so severe, are actually nothing. Those “doctors”, who think that they are “above the mind” should be the patients.] In the way he explained what a psychiatric hospital was, it sounded like it would also be with beds, like in a normal hospital, but then for people who are so crazy that they can’t be in a normal hospital. (The idea freaked me out, but I found it still better than being trapped at home.) 

Stupid flashbacks ๐Ÿ™ . I’m so tired, still ๐Ÿ™ . But I haven’t showered in two days.  I feel nastyyy…. I should be careful, though. The density of the air could cause me to faint again. But I don’t want to feel like a nasty cat anymore… I’m Sheba 😋. 

Wish me luck xxxx [I’m “home” alone now…]


20:59 (08:59 PM) 

I made it ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m even more tired now, though. And I’m hungry again ๐Ÿ™ . I’m such a petje 😽. I’m going to attempt to cook spinach and add it to the pasta. I know it will go so very well with it ๐Ÿ˜€ . After eating that, I’ll be going to bed. But not before telling you good night and maybe write some other things to you, als ik inspiratie heb haha.


21:24 (09:24 PM) 

This will get me through the night, without me getting hungry, I hope… 

Meow ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know what to talk about… I feel very powerless in this situation, with the weakness of my body and everything… In between uploading that picture and typing this, I had a short moment of feeling light headed again. Luckily no blurry sight (yet?  ๐Ÿ™ ). Meow ๐Ÿ™ . 

I often say write, instead of type. That’s because in real life, I adapt my language. It depends on who I’m around. This is a “deeper” form of self-expression. 

Maybe a Cishe would restabilize my heart rate… I really think it would. A Graeyniss companion is what I miss. 

Wat betreft some other writings of mine: often use passive voice to not expose people. Since what is on here, is “engraved into the internet”.

I’m already full ๐Ÿ™ . But then I’ll get hungry so soon… Ah meow x_x.

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to put this into the fridge and go to bed.

Good night

I love you


21:30 (09:30 PM) 

Aah meow ๐Ÿ™ . I totally forgot that I have to twist my hair… From sleeping on this, it will get irreversibly tangled:

Meow ๐Ÿ™ . I feel like wearing a jacket and scarf inside, by the way. This country is far too cold. And artificial heat is not the same… That can’t be healthy…


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Friday, January 4, 2019

00:18 (12:18 AM)

Yesterday’s mission was completed ๐Ÿ™‚ . I wrecked my brain doing it, but at least I won’t pressure myself to make a beat myself any time soon now that I uploaded one.  Check it out ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I’ll be closing things off, finish my pre-bed bread and fruit and set an alarm to call the doctor at 7 AM, hoping that I can get helped today. I already have palpitations thinking of what I should say, when I’m asked why I need to see a doctor.

I’ll be like: *waits until receptionist is done with her introduction* “Ehm… *shaking voice* Goedemorgen, met Dominique Elia… Ik ben geen patiรซnt bij deze praktijk, maar verblijf voorlopig tijdelijk bij de familie *beep*, die wel bij deze praktijk ingeschreven staat, en zij hebben me geadviseerd [geadviseerd, zo van ik ben echt ziek] om contact met u op te nemen. Op advies van een arts uit Duitsland, moet ik een urinetest doen om te achterhalen waarom er witte bloedcellen in mijn urine zitten en waarom de infectie die zich daarbij voordoet niet weggaat na antibioticakuren. Het was mijn oorspronkelijke intentie om het onderzoek in Duitsland voort te zetten[, omdat ik een trauma heb aan het Nederlandse zorgsysteem]. Nu ik ook erg last heb van koorts, lichaamspijnen overal en andere klachten, heb ik toch helaas sneller hulp nodig. [Even though I was on a path of comitting suicide. I want to experience painless existence, if that’s possible.] Daarom wilde ik vragen of ik de test met ochtendurine bij uw praktijk zou kunnen doen en misschien ook de arts zou mogen spreken.” [Mention: “Ik ga dan dus nu mijn ochtendurine ophouden (en kom er meteen aan).” “Klopt het dat het adres *beep* is?” “Laat de arts alstublieft mijn Nederlandse medische dossier niet als referentiemateriaal gebruiken. Ik neem de onderzoeksresultaten uit Duitsland mee.”]

Oh meow ๐Ÿ™ . These Cuddlepains ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m going to shutdown my laptop, shut off everything downstairs and go upstairs to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Good night

I love you

xxx – 

 07:13 (AM) 

Good morning, my Cuddle 

Something typically Fangish happened… I just set my alarm for 7 am, so that I could maybe still be helped today, because of being early, but the practice opens at 8…

I’ll be holding in my morning pee, attempting to sleep until 8. Meoow my temperature feels higher than yesterday ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ . I dreamt that they told me to come on Monday ๐Ÿ™ . I’m scared I don’t emphasize the seriousness of my case enough ๐Ÿ™ . I think I’ll start with explaining my health complaints, instead of that officially I’m not a patient there… I’ll keep you posted xxxx


08:32 (AM) 

My dream (of nachtmerrie, beter gezegd) was a sign ๐Ÿ™ . They said that I need a note of reference from my own phycisian, to see a specialist for that urine test, but that I can still visit for the fever and other health complaints I have now. I told them that that fever is not really that much of a problem – all they can do is give me pills for that, and I don’t want that anyway – so I thanked her and hung up. 

I was about to rid myself of my morning urine, when suddenly I realized contacting my fleh phycisian is inevitable. So I called and explained the thing with the white blood cells. Initially, I was asked to come over on Monday morning. When I mentioned my current health complaints, the receptionist asked if she could call me back, and that she’s going to call another phycisian – not that bitch who called me incompetent, thank god – and that they might have a spot for me around 11 o’clock. I then still rid myself from my morning urine, after asking the receptionist if I should. 

So now I’m waiting for a call back, while finishing my fruit ontbijt.  I don’t know what else to eat yet. 

Cuddle? ๐Ÿ™


09:14 (AM) 

Oooh my god. It’s not even on Monday that I can be helped.  The receptionist consulted my phycisian, and she finds it weird that the examination wasn’t finished yet [that is such a fucking long story that I just said fucking nothing, because she probably just wants to fucking call me incompetent again godverdomme], so she wants to see me herself and see what’s up with that non-continuance. I do not want to fucking see her. But I have no fucking choice. My palpitations are beating my heart out ๐Ÿ™ . Grrrr I don’t want to see her, because I might fucking fang her. My life is in her hands and she just keeps fucking claiming that I’m insane.  I feel not taken seriously ๐Ÿ™ . I wish I had enough money to go to doctor Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ .  Maybe I should ask someone to bring me to him… Fuck my phycisian, man, that whole fucking practice should be closed. What if she fucking forces me to take antipsychotics again ๐Ÿ™ . 

I’m so sad ๐Ÿ™ . I’m going back to bed. Wtf… I might have fucking cancer – there have been found cysts before, and now this infection doesn’t go away – and my body hurts all over, and she’s making me wait for 4 days, while I could have been helped sooner, just because she wants to continue the shit she started last time. I want to fucking emigrate ๐Ÿ™ . But on this pace, that will take decades. I don’t want to feel pain and negativity anymore ๐Ÿ™ .


11:37 (AM)

I can’t stop thinking of what happened ๐Ÿ™ . By my choice of words “and see what’s up with that”, it sounds like she gives a fuck about my health. But this is exactly how it went when she called me incompetent. 

Why I worry about this, was because the receptionist ended the conversation with that I should first do a urine test at the practice, before they might decide to refer me to a specialist. Mijn urine moet op kweek gezet worden, en in Duitsland kon dat gewoon bij de praktijk zelf, maar hier moet je daar blijkbaar voor naar het ziekenhuis. 

Het probleem in Duitsland was dat ik voor mijn verjaardag naar Berlijn was gegaan, en ik twee dagen daarvoor dat doktersadvies kreeg om die ochtendurinetest te doen, maar dat ik toen twee uur bij de artsenpraktijk vandaan verbleef en ik niet zo lang mijn ochtendurine op wilde houden, plus had ik niet genoeg geld voor benzine voor zo veel langeafstandsritten. Met de verwijsbrief van de arts, heb ik geprobeerd om medische hulp te zoeken in Berlijn, maar zonder enig succes,helaas.

Wat betreft mijn medische onderzoeken, krijg ik daar van mijn ouders amper steun in. Net als mijn huisarts, zijn ze veel te eager om me aan de antipsychotia te krijgen. Maar nu ik die aortainsufficiรซntie en hartkloppingen heb, mag ik daar niet (eigenlijk nooit, ook door de afwijking die ik heb wat betreft enzymen die medicijnen afbreken) tot gedwongen worden. Dit is in het verleden meerdere malen gedaan, en officieel “waren ze nog niet klaar” met hun treatment, maar iedere keer dat ze me hebben willen ambushen, was ik op tijd “van de aardbodem verdwenen”. 

All that had to happen at that doctor’s practice, is that a phycisian had to give me a note, based on the findings in Germany – that I had to go to Germany for this and pay more than โ‚ฌ2000 of my life savings, all because that bitch finds me incompetent, while the second opinion showed that I’m right and she isn’t, is outrageous – and that with that note I could continue the process of making a diagnosis, in a Dutch hospital. I don’t even want to be helped in a Dutch hospital. Especially not the one she will refer me to (location based partnership), where my grandfather died and they put me on the drip without knowing what I have and refused to give me an MRI. 

That the main phycisian, my phycisian, who owns the practice, necessarily wants to see me, instead of the other phycisians who work there, who are available far sooner, is not a good sign. This because one of those other phycisians referred me to the hospital – not my phycisian – and when I was transferred to a mental institution, and I made another appointment to see that same doctor who referred me, in the hope that she would help me prove my case and get me out of that system, I was told that I could see that other phycisian, but at the practice, my own phycisian was suddenly waiting for me, and she said that I’m incompetent and that she wants to speak to those people from the psychiatric industry, to see if they could make the statement of me being incompetent official. 

That she now doesn’t even believe that there are white blood cells in my urine… Even typing in caps lock, wouldn’t express the anger and pain I feel. Why they are still there,  is basically because I would literally rather die than put my fate back in the hands of that psychotic bitch. If she wants to continue her thrill seeking nonsense, in which I could lose all of my rights, and get an IBS, I should start looking for a (BopZ) lawyer… The problem is that I’m extremely broke and my phycisian, my parents and those two mental institutions are one team, and I’m by myself, still actually experiencing The Head Cuddle, but I have to lie about it, to them, because otherwise, they force me to take antipsychotics (I know, because I’ve been stuck in that shit for more than a year). I’ve been telling them all kinds of random shit, most of which not even true, because I was forced to have therapy sessions with them, and they have logged everything. In their way. And I’m not allowed to see it. (One of the things I’d/I’ll tell my lawyer, if I’m able to get one.)

I need eyes on me. If no one supports me and confirms my right – this has to be done by someone other than myself – I might be absorbed by that psychiatric industry again [I’m talking about the experimental world war two [why capital letters] type of shit, modernized], and no one will notice. Just like last time. Things like cameras and other ways of recording are forbidden there, because the things that happen there are so inhumane. Ik zit er ook niet op te wachten om weer tussen TBS’ers te komen zitten. 

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night, because I worried about my dependency on these health care people – en die zorgen waren terecht – so at some point I decided to look at old pictures on my phone. 

I so love the Google Photos app!! Even pictures that were made with phones I now don’t even have anymore, are still backed up on this device. 

In the timeline of my pictures, it’s visible that I was fully offline, when I was stuck under surveillance: [I made screen shots of the pictures I want to show you ๐Ÿ™‚ ]

The things I was going through, I didn’t want to share with those who gossip, and I was very afraid of the consequences of recording those inhumane circumstances

Those random pictures from May, were because my PR business was on a budget the way D.O.C.I.S. International is, and I needed simple background pictures I intended to edit. 

This is what I intended to do, in 2017, but then my father refused to invest in me, and my B couldn’t be my subject for that Georgia Tech assignment anymore ๐Ÿ™

TimeHeroine stood for “heroes of time”, as well as click bait, but those psychiatry motherfuckers thought I was taking hard drugs… Fucking dumb psychotic bastards…

My old business card ๐Ÿ™‚

My sister and I, in Nassau, on the Bahamas, in the Summer of 2016

Againn look at us being Cuddle… That psychiatry shit has driven us apart, now that everyone is educated to tell me that changing the world is impossible and I will never see my B ๐Ÿ™

My old glasses ๐Ÿ˜€ . I miss them… And that used to be my favorite shirt.

Here I was even younger

And here’s post-psychiatry me…

Other pictures I took, when I uploaded that Instagram picture

The type of face I make when I correct myself

That full picture I put on Instagram. My account is deleted now. No regrets ๐Ÿ™‚

My transfer ticket, when I went from Baltimore to Miami

I was fang flexing. Miami gave me a tan

Me when I started working, right after coming back from the US

Me around the end of the Summer season… In the beginning, I was eager to speak to clients, but the way it’s uncertain what type of person I’ll speak to – someone normal and polite, or some wild sensation seeker who wants to rage at me [that “is normal”, in that industry] – was having a very bad influence on my heart

I worry about if my phycisian will ask me what I do for a living. I’m not earning from my websites, so that doesn’t count at all. I don’t want to go back to school and I don’t want to apply for routinous jobs – but with my diplomas and age, that’s all I can apply for – so she might use that to back up her case of me being incompetent ๐Ÿ™ . I would literally rather die than do that meaningless routinous nonsense. I would do that, if they threaten to put me under surveillance again. 


13:28 (01:28 PM) 

Oh my god ๐Ÿ™ . So not only do I have an aortic insufficiency of the first degree and very regular palpitations… I also have tachycardia ๐Ÿ™ . [If my heart rhythm were to be stabilized, would my aortic valve then close again?] My mother just texted me, that the bill from doctor Cuddle’s practice came in, and that includes the listing of a diagnosis I did not know of yet. 

How the fuck am I still alive…

Causes for it must be being underfed [I often starve myself, when there’s no healthy food to eat. Like today. And yesterday… I couldn’t even eat a quarter of that kapsalon we had for dinner], stress, anxiety, (formerly) cannabis [if I knew, I would have quit smoking earlier], alcohol [not that much…?], the pain I’m in, that infection in my body, all of those fucking antipsychotics, and maybe I have Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, since I used to faint a lot as a kid, and now I often have loss of muscle strength. 

Why do I have bad luck so often? ๐Ÿ™ The amount of figurative “slap in the face”-moments, in a day, where things play out in my disadvantage, is unhealthy ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t want this anymore ๐Ÿ™ . 

For my heart rhythm to ever be stabilized, I need to have these Graeynissis in my life. I feel legally unsafe without them, because I can be captivated by those psychiatry people whenever. Also, when it comes to love and being able to express myself: I can only truly do that with them. Those who can live in life’s routine, without wanting to die, have a different way of being themselves and a different view on what love is. To them, all might seem good “again”, when I’ve gotten myself behind a desk in some office. That while in my view, it’s the most unbearable and painful situation I could ever be in. I think my Graeynissis can understand that feeling of hidden inner panic – because you have to stay professional [something I’ve unfortunately passed on this blog plenty of times now] – that comes with being trapped in such a situation. I think they can also understand why I find that to this day, I live through a situation of injustice. Only if I were to have cheering fans, my name might be able to be cleared. Please be my wild Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ™ 

Als ik tachycardie heb, had die persoon die een hartfilmpje maakte, in dat gesticht, om te “bewijzen” dat ik die kut pillen in kon nemen, dat toch ook gewoon moeten kunnen zien, trouwens? Dat is moord… Daar zaten er, naast geen THC, trouwens ook zowel witte als rode bloedcellen in mijn urine. 

l’m so tired, but I can’t sleep, because of the pain ๐Ÿ™ . Cuddle me pleaseee ๐Ÿ™ .


18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Heeyy โ™ฅ

I’ve been able to sleep a bit, but I’m still a tired petje. Tomorrow is the first weekend of 2019. I want my situation to be at least a slight improvement, but how can I do that? ๐Ÿ™ I’m still living in someone else’s house… Here I’m more safe than at home, when it comes to psychiatry, because the people who monitor me, have the Rotterdam region as their territory. 

But I’m so unproductive, when it comes to having a reason to get out of bed every morning – that is something I do miss, but I want it to be for an occupation that suits me – my life is far from what it should be. It feels far too “being a couch potato”, to now again spend tomorrow indoors and the day after as well, while the family here has been working all week. 

Having an occupation that allows me to leave my bed and house each day, will get me more respect – respectlessness and people assuming that I’m stupid, because I don’t do regular proletarian shit, is soooo very frustrating [ik zou het zo fijn vinden als ik terecht met “u” aangesproken zou worden. Dan voel ik me ook comfortabeler in “u” zeggen… It will also feel quite sexy… This respectful tone combined with mutual attraction 😻. Haha I’m random ๐Ÿ˜€ ]  – but my health [and depression, but please do not tell those psychiatry people that… They can’t keep me because of that anyway, because their pills and shit conversation won’t change that I prefer death over a proletarian life and when I attempted to commit suicide, when I was in that institution (it was that hell-ish), they kept going on with the schizophrenia bullshit and did not even try to recall and help the reason why I tried. She just called it “wanhoop” [because I feared never being able to save myself from their surveillance, and she was basically right]. I’ve never heard anything more heartless…] limit(s) me in what I’m able to endure. I feel constant pains – for quite a couple of months now, and it becomes worse every day – and get tired very fast [probably because of my heart condition and the infection]. 

If there’s one thing that can get proletarians pissed, it’s saying that you have a health issue that keeps you in your bed all day, while it seems like you function normally. Then it always leads to: “Yeah well everyone wants to lay in bed all day.  I had/have *long dramatic story about health complaints of that person [still not comparable to what I have]* and I still go to work every day.” Ah meoow how do I get a house in a secluded and noiseless area?  ๐Ÿ™ I don’t want to hear TV or people citing TV ever again, unless it’s something from me and/or my Graeynissis… Or see signs of people “living the TV life” [I mean spending most of free time with self in front of that screen, not truly thinking].

All I’ve eaten today is a bunch of kiwis, an apple and a granola bar – that bread with cheese, bread with sausage and kiwis before going to bed last night, I don’t really count, because my digestive system seems to never stop, and I was hungry again after a few hours already. It feels like the semi-natural edible products I can eat, from supermarkets and/or toko’s [very not good for the environment, by the way…], I’ve eaten so often already, the thought of buying groceries literally makes me feel like vomiting [but I hold it in, just like my tears]. As if it can still give me scheurbuik. I did think of buying some exotic vegetables at the toko, but I’m completely out of money [okay I have โ‚ฌ25 cash, but that will probably be used for travelling expenses ๐Ÿ™ ] and with the current state of my health, I cannot go outside. Too much pain, fatigue and high temperature. Deze bewegingshoofdpijn is echt vervelend ๐Ÿ™ .

So I now risk some serious nutritional problems I can’t solve. The solution lies in emigrating to California [and growing my own fruit and vegetables], but I currently don’t even have money to travel to whatever workplace I need to work at least 40 hours per week at, to be able to somehow afford to emigrate. Ah meow ๐Ÿ™ .

I need to invoke a shift in this deadly situation of mine, but how? I wish I could receive the honor of getting some of a Graeyniss’ free time in real life (again) ๐Ÿ™ . I miss these Sweetnissis ๐Ÿ™ .

It, by the way, feels far too random to lay sick in bed all day, in not “my own house”. But I’m so tired of my father raising his voice at me, because I “don’t have a fucking job”.


20:48 (08:48 PM) 

I just ate a piece of a mandarine. A part of it was starting to grow fungi, so I skipped that part. Meoow I need my own house ๐Ÿ™ . I’m not very able to go downstairs and socialize. I also feel bad for not contributing to the household and being a bedpet all day. Not that I would receive complaints about that. Not here. In “my own home” [I can better say “my “father”‘s home”], I do get complaints about that. I think that’s why I now always feel pressure, when I’m laying in bed around not-bedtime-hours. 

Light makes my headache worse, too. I feel like a bit of a creep laying here all day and then going downstairs at night, like a bat

Will fate continue to turn my life into more of a complete hell, more than it already was, somehow [compared to what I used to say about my path growing up… I never expected my life to become this, all because I thought I could trust certain (health) care parties]? Everyone can read what injustice I’m living through, and solving this in a way we could both benefit from it is very easy, as I have explained it plenty of times now, yet still I’m left for dead. That hurts me the most ๐Ÿ™ . 

My form of social anxiety is keeping me trapped in bed [but giving a speech wouldn’t frighten me at all]. I’ll have to go downstairs, because I’m far too hungry, but it just doesn’t feel right ๐Ÿ™ . 

Why aren’t we real life Cuddles? ๐Ÿ™ 


21:21 (09:21 PM) 

I’m still in bed… I added some text to “Van mezelf tot mezelf”. 

By the way, what I had to think of, when I was not typing text on here, is how unhealthy (Dutch) hospital food is. Especially in the institution. It was the same menu every week and it included sooo many artificial sweeteners. [Yet still I always looked forward to “salmon with mashed potatoes, spinach, butter sauce and a lemon slice”-day… It was the most edible of all menu options. On your birthday, you get a special container with (hard, cold and sour) fruit.] Meoow I don’t want to experience coming Tuesday. I’m in doubt if I would rather die or not. That fleh has contributed to my PTSS, and I wish to ne-ver see her again. I go crazy (with hidden inner rage), thinking of seeing and hearing her.  I reallyyy don’t want to see her ๐Ÿ™ .

My mother says that she’s willing to take me to doctor Cuddle. There, too, I feel ve-ry uncomfortable of the thought of having to explain why I want to make the appointment [why do people not just read my blog and let me know about that… Then our conversations could be so much deeper ๐Ÿ™‚ ], in semi-German/English… ๐Ÿ™ I’m in full bed pet mode ๐Ÿ™ . This is all too much shit ๐Ÿ™ .

The conversation could have been like: (*I call* *phone number is recognized?*) “Met Dominique” “Door je dagboek verwachtte ik je telefoontje al. Je staat ingepland op zaterdag om 9 uur ‘s ochtends” [Bij wijze van… In Duitsland kan ik op zaterdag terecht…] “Dat is geweldig! Dankjewel! *Stelt misschien nog wat in-dept medische vragen/vragen over de afspraak, als de tijd en het karakter van degene die ik aan de lijn heb dat toelaten* [niet iedere werknemer wil moeite doen]” [Dat doe je ook niet elke dag… Ik denk dat mijn statistieken afwijken door het refreshen.] [Voor “u” heb ik esn eigen huis nodig, nietwaar? Is mijn dagboek te moeilijk voor wat ik beschreef in italics?]


22:07 (10:07 PM) 

Another reason for me to not attempt to go downstairs, is my loss of muscle strength, combined with my fear of falling down the stairs. I already have a headache… But for the sake of not passing out and/or tachycardia “taking the best of me”, I’m going to eat something… Hunger makes my English lazy…


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Thursday, January 3, 2019

13:33 (01:33 PM)ย 

Good afternoon, my love โ™ฅ

How’s my Sweetniss [ = person who is sweet, in Cuddle ] doing today? I hope all is Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ .

For me, things are unfortunately less Cuddle. I have a fever ๐Ÿ™ . Je kan een eitje bakken op mijn voorhoofd. That’s how high my temperature feels. Does anyone want some?

Ooh shitt my egg still had a bird in it… Still petting….

I need a Cishe ๐Ÿ™ . Okay… That would make my temperature rise even more [get it? Because you’re so hot in a sense of attraction ๐Ÿ˜€ ], but it would still make me feel better…

I don’t want to leave my bed today. But that will make me feel more unproductive ๐Ÿ™ . I want to be useful and deliver a contribution to society for which I can receive a compensation ๐Ÿ™ . Oh meow ๐Ÿ™ . Yet all of this writing is readable for free… It would be read even less if I were to monetize this, I think?

This being so broke I can’t do anything or go anywhere situation randomly got so much worse. At the beginning of yesterday, my bank account wasn’t that close to its limit. But then that donation, the interest for having my account on minus [what the actual fuck… I receive 0.8% interest on my savings account monthly and pay 9.9% “debetrente continu limiet”… Wat voor een conjunctuurbeleid is dat? Ik noem het “crisis”… Met uitgaven stimuleren maken we de aarde leeg ๐Ÿ™ . Vroeger waren die percentages veel hoger. Hoe bepaalt de overheid het rentepercentage van een (geprivatiseerde) bank?] and my monthly health insurance fee, which has increased from โ‚ฌ109.95 to โ‚ฌ117.50 per month for 2019 were deducted. And the โ‚ฌ8.37 for groceries, because I wanted tomatoes and feta cheese in the salad, and I bought two tiny cans of canned tuna, to make a spread and/or salad with. I’m now financially trapped…

Does someone want to give me some Cishes and give me some “sickness food”? Like a soup with exotic vegetables. Taking care of this catje might make you able to claim some mantelzorg cash. (I wish I received that when I took care of my grandmothers. (I still don’t understand how they “fell” and got bruised/injured both on the same day…..)) I wish I had some sexy nurse Graeynissis… Hahaha . That would mean very good food prepared with an overdose of love, good conversations and still being able to continue to work on my endeavors, from my bed. Meow . Ahh what’s with these Graeys and the way they’re so hidden from me? ๐Ÿ™ I need these Cishes .

But since I’m not able to move your body towards me – it has to be your own independent decision – I’m going to eat the mandarines and granola bar I took upstairs with me last night – first food of the day – take a quick shower and eat some more. xxx


17:18 (05:18 PM)ย 

For some reason, it’s impossible for me to leave my/the bed before 4 pm… Around that time, I get the Family will be coming home… Must… Act… Active…ย pressure and I rush myself through showering etc. Still using men’s soap to hide my sweat odor from my aortic insufficiency.

I had some left overs for second breakfastยฟ

Now “Studio Fangs” is semi-“back online”. Haha ๐Ÿ™ .

After disconnecting and disconnecting the internet, it worked, after the 6th time x_x

Haha why do I do this, while my brain wants rest… All because I said that I want beats… I need a producer meoow. But the beat I have in mind sounds awesomeeee . I hope I can make a good replica of it. Then I can put it on my Spotify account ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Ah shiitt I really need to go to the doctor’s, if I’m going to stay alive… Being alive should not hurt, then. I don’t want treatment. I just want to know what I have…


18:25 (06:25 PM)ย 

Okaay I’ve outed part of my health complaints and Jam has now sent me the number of their phycisian. I’ll be calling tomorrow morning. I’m already having palpitations from thinking of it. The receptionist asking me to explain my entire case in less than a minute, and those words deciding if she says “Just take an aspirine,” or allows me to make an appointment… It is important that the doctor does not use my Dutch medical records as reference material.

A Dutch fast food classic is the kapsalon, which I’m eating now. Shout out to the man of the house getting me this:

I’ve not eaten this in sooo loooong

My objective is to finish that beat today.


19:28 (07:28 PM)ย 

Oh mijn godd mijn beat is al gevaarlijk lekker, en hij duurt pas 34 seconden….

I’m writing down all I’m using – this is a lite version, so that’s why all is so empty – so that I can remake this beat, whatever happens… I’m traumatized from data loss…

I’m excited ๐Ÿ˜€ . It’s the sound in music I miss…

I don’t know if I’m allowed to earn from music made in this lite version. I think I’ll also upload my old EP. The files from that were on my external hard drive, I think ๐Ÿ™ .

Haha this instrumental song – I want to sing and rap on it, but I will not do that without a studio anymore [my EP “Revenge of The Nerds” sounds so awkward because the audio is recorded with my phone…] – includes a split second of the sound of a woman’s moan’s sample (not mine haha). I hope it will help me get people to like this beat. I loveee it alreadyyy.


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Wednesday, January 2, 2019

00:25 (12:25 PM)ย 
My growling stomach indicated that it’s time for my pre bed meal, so…

Yehesss ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ve never uploaded a picture of me while I’m cooking, but I’m most often in pet mode while I do this, and the lighting….

What I fried the egg with

I’m drinking jasmine tea with this… Meow .

Where I was before this? After coming back “home” from the party, where I was very awkward and it is and was eating at me, playing games on my Switch and writing that other Dutch post. I often write posts without mentioning anything about it in my diary.

All of this blog posting, is something I do, because otherwise, I would have no ways of being able to express my true self. I just keep explaining the benauwende situation I’m in, hoping that someone notices me and saves me. I don’t mean benauwend in the sense that anyone is actively torturing me or anything, but I just need to be assisted in an environment that truly suits me. It’s the inner rage of mental and physical loneliness.

By the way, you know how in any movie/series/whatever the person owning a huge corporation is most often the bad guy? (It’s most often a guy… (Ugh movie females are most often so passive and dramatic.)) I think that’s why most people assume that I’m evil, without them even knowing what I’m trying to do. (I don’t want to use a word that gives me palpitations when it’s used in the context of me, but that’s psychotic as fuuuuuck…)

When I was playing a boxing demo [that word reminds me of when I was in EMC, and there, just like at Bavo Europoort, people were struggling with giving me a diagnosis (they just completely ignored the clearing my file part), so at some point I was invited to give a “demo”, where I had to discuss my case in a small lecture room, where all the psychiatry related doctors were present. And then I was given those official diagnoses you can see in 180 Days of Fangs… Domme klootzakken… Ik hoorde dat er een zwembandjes sale was ergens ๐Ÿ™‚ . ], while SBS6 was on, and I heard a girl collected more than โ‚ฌ10000, by diving into the water every day, from the Summer until her nieuwjaarsduik [diving in the cold can get you sick ๐Ÿ™ ]. She was sponsored to do that. The money is used to build houses in Africa somewhere.

I have not raised or earned a single penny with this, and what I do is historic. Do you understand why I want to die? Ik ga echt niet weer 40 uur fucking klantenservice shit doen. Dan kan ik ook niks posten hั. Where the fuck do I sign up for doing simple shit for a lot of money? That way of generating funds is such crazy non-value…. My project really is fun ๐Ÿ™ . The easiest way to understand is by either letting me put it into practice, or letting me make a drawing of what it looks like. I currently don’t even have money or space to make art. Ah meow ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m going to bed. Tomorrow… I don’t have a reason to go outside. I do want to. But for what… It’s cold, so no long solo walks ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll make a beat and draw some ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope I’ll get a response to that book sized email I wrote, since that meow now almost doesn’t have a holiday anymore…. My last resort employer… Sexy cattttttttt…

Good night

Sribi switi [ = slaap lekker = sweet dreams (is what comes closest to it… It’s actually “sleep good”, but that doesn’t sound as romanticized as I mean it) ]


03:39 (AM)

Meow โ™ฅ

I already had quite some trouble falling asleep, and then, suddenly, somehow – maybe it was The Head Cuddleยฟ – I thought that maybe I wrote the date on that second Dutch article incorrectly. And I did. Of course, it’s 2019 now, ha-ha.

I’m still tired, so I will continue to attempt to fall asleep. Reminder to self that I elaborate on my issue with generalizations on gender later. I speak of tomorrow, earlier in this post, but I mean today, after waking up.

Ciaoo xxx


08:34 (AM)ย 

My growling stomach indicated that…

It’s peanut butter jelly time…

Haha I’ll again be closing my eyes sooon. Mind you that I still haven’t seen a phycisian for the white blood cells in my urine, which might influence my very frequent hunger. I now find all hunger too soon, because I’m so tired of the act of cooking. Every for me edible thing a Dutch supermarket has, I’ve eaten a zillion times in my life already.


16:47 (04:47 PM)ย 

Hey ๐Ÿ™‚

I saw that I have some cash left in my wallet, so I’ll use that to buy pencils and a sketch book ๐Ÿ™‚ . Then I can show you my design for that cape I mentioned a while back :D. I also feel like eating spaghetti with a lot of vegetables, so that’s my other reason for going outside today ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I feel quite stupid… The staircase here isn’t even suitable for what I intended to do to myself. I have to go home for that. My parents finding me, feels like a more comfortable way of saying “fuck you” to them. All my life, they’ve been telling me that they’re good parents. As a child, you easily mime what your parents say. That you have a semi-well paying job, doesn’t directly mean that you’re a good parent. Neither does not having a drug problem and not attacking your child whenever things are not going your way. That they use that as arguments as to why they’re good parents, is very vomit worthy.

With things like jumping in front of a train, there’s still a very slight chance of surviving (there was this documentary I saw on national television…)… I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off, but this is just my fucking last day. My life just doesn’t make sense and I hate being stuck in it. I should have just done it on New Year’s.


21:49 (09:49 PM)ย 

Here’s a sketch-ish drawing of the cape I spoke about a few posts ago:

My pencils aren’t sharp enough for the glasses with a similar design and I’m tired of drawing now, so she looks a bit evil… Because of the in between space, the needles won’t hurt the person who’s wearing the cape. By pulling the triangle, you can put on the capuchon. The male’s design is different around the shoulders.ย 

I try to show a different balance between a formal and informal style of clothing. A fur collar is relatively informal, and so are spikes, but I think it still looks quite formal. Purple would have been a cool color, too.

The colored design has a smooth looking type of fabric, because I used the fine liner too fast, but actually I prefer it geplooid like that drawing on the right.

For our polygamous wedding, I’ll make some cool designs, too. (Haha funny use of tenses. As if it’s planned…) I would love to live with all of my loves in one big house .

I’m a tired petje now… I also made a salad for dinner in the meantime. Apparently spaghetti was already planned to be today’s dinner, because the grandchildren were visiting. We played on my Switch and drew together.

I used tomatoes, olives and feta cheese with some pre cut supermarket salad packs. The dressing was made with oil, mayonaise, oregano, soy sauce and garlic.

Before I started with the colors

My heart hurts ๐Ÿ™

Je snapt toch wel dat ik er helemaal doorheen zit

Oh my god :'(

The raising billions using PayPal thing doesn’t feel comfortable at all, by the way. I’m “glad” no one has donated anything, besides myself. That one euro has vanished into thin air. I’m going to take the thing offline. Tomorrow… I’m tired ๐Ÿ™ .

My one very important rule my life, is that I should leave it before my Cuddles and Graeynissis do, because I cannot physically and emotionally exist without them. Not that we are that right now, socially. I’m still alone…

The trippiest thing about being where I am right now, is that I have so many belongins of mine here, that I basically can’t move anywhere else without help of anyone. And that I’m far too broke to travel.

The sign up deadline for a next year of study at The Open University, is in 3 days. I don’t have the money to enroll. I’m also not enthousiastic about studying.

My head is spinning with future related worry. In the end, this world is still so dumb, faulty and meaningless, I don’t know why I keep letting myself be exposed to all of this pressure all of the time. The only way to escape it is by dying. My bank account is on – โ‚ฌ497,03 and my limit is – โ‚ฌ500. With the amount of cash I have, let’s say somehow I would get hired, I could travel there, but I wouldn’t be able to travel back home.

On the gender thing: I hope the men who are my audience – from my statistics (and real life sort of haha) I know that my websites aren’t doing well with the majority of women – aren’t staying away from me, because they think I’m like the passive women who keep emphasizing that they don’t know about most things that are going on in reality, and cry over broken nails and shit. (It sounds like torture being in a relationship with someone like that.) You might also know that I won’t blow my entire income on shopping for clothing and other shiz. You have seen my entire wearable wardrobe at least six times by now.

I want to have your heart… Figuratively, of course. With my love, I want to make you feel the best you have ever felt. Please be mine ๐Ÿ™ . We kunnen zo veel waarde aan elkaars leven toevoegen. Een gezinsleven is niet de essentie van het leven. We moeten het beste uit elkaar halen, in een creative en routinevrije context. You’ll always feel loved and be happy and free, surrounded by truly like-minded people.

The stupidity of this world would not be a disturbance anymore, when you’re with me. Please be my Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t want to die alone ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t want to feel the feeling of loneliness anymore.

I just finished my pre-bed-meal. I’m going to sleep. I’m so tired ๐Ÿ™ .

I love you so much, you’re the reason why I’m still alive.

I wish I could be with you

Sleeping alone sucks big time

Good night


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Tuesday, January 1, 2019

00:00 (12:00 AM) 

My love โ™ฅ

Just a minute ago, the time indicator on your phone said “2018”, the way it did all year, and now, it says “2019”!!! And that for another year!!! Apparently that is a reason to pollute the environment with fireworks and get veryyyy intoxicated. I get the getting intoxicated part. I hope you’re having fun, wherever you’re at. 

I’m here, all by myself. War veterans and I are silently going crazy on the inside. I hope no one blows up the house I’m in ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Especially on a day like this, I am so not in the mood for sentimental shit. 

But I do have “resolutions”: becoming fully honest towards everyone, even when my words might lead to heartache for the other person [I kept from doing it, because I know how it feels, so very well], and not being surrounded by people who won’t change the world with me, anymore. That means that I either will have to commit suicide right now that I’m alone here, or I need to be saved by a fucking miracle. I hate the resolutions part of New Year’s, because it’s more of a formality, than it really is something that is used for its usefulness. 

This is the first time in my entire fucking existence, that I’m not with my parents on this reocurring twelve o’clock moment in life, on the first day of a new year, and I do not have to hear their wishes for me, for the year. I’m quite glad about that, because it always includes what I don’t want myself. 

Wat een teringherrie buiten ๐Ÿ™ . The only thing stopping me from comitting suicide right now, is the thought of my family friends coming back home and finding my lifeless body. I did take the rope with me, I tried to choke myself with, when I was in that mental institution. It’s the rope from my grandfather’s old bathrobe, he wore very often, before he passed away. I’ve been given it, to use it as my own bathrobe. 

I mentioned sending people after twelve messages. I’m not in the mood for sentimental shit. My sentiment has died completely already. I can’t even try. And I don’t want to hear any semi-encouraging or whatever words. No one even fucking knows me. It’s frustrating to hear people talk as if they do. 

To clarify that borrel sentence… Yess party hard. It’s sarcasm, right? HAHAHAHA

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love that I don’t celebrate this the way I usually do. 

Do you know what I can’t stand? When people put so much effort in attempting to prove me wrong. 

I do fucking hate that I’m still not with you, and you just keep staring at this, while I’m so fucking approachable. I love you ๐Ÿ™ . We shouldn’t feel alone ๐Ÿ™ . 

It is better to feel alone all alone, than to feel all alone, surrounded by people. People like me are hard to find. It must be less than 1% of the world’s population. How can we cuddle?  ๐Ÿ™ It will be the best cuddle we’ve ever felt ๐Ÿ™ . 

Oohmygaad I’m so hungryyy… What to eat?  ๐Ÿ™


00:48 (12:48 AM) 

It was either this, or yesterday’s bami, and I like variation, so:

What to eat after this?

I don’t know ๐Ÿ™ . 

I wish I wasn’t broke, sad and without true love. The script has reached its maximum with me now. I can’t even try anymore. I’m out of fake smiles and other faรงade related shit. People always say that I should be myself around them, but they wouldn’t know what to do, if I’d do that, for sure. I’m not like them at all. That’s why. 


00:57 (12:57 AM) 

Another reason why I don’t want to commit suicide, is because then the truth about me is still unclear, and people who I’ve spent a lot of time with might give sentimental speeches about me, in which they express their care.  I then can’t barge into the ceremony and say: “That’s a lie! Where the fuck were you? You knew what I was going through and you didn’t give a fuck.”

Haha I still haven’t even finished that bottle. I’m a slow drinker ๐Ÿ™‚ .


01:27 (AM) 

In case you thought that I was bullshitting you, I’m not:

I don’t even have that fucking bathrobe with me

But if you’re saying that I’m doing this for your attention: believe me, I really want to die, and either my spirit will haunt you down for making that heartless statement, or you’ll regret it in some other way. 

I demand some fucking serious Graeyniss in my life, because without that, my life has no purpose. The hope for that Volta, which includes living with Graeynissis only, is the only reason why I keep hoping to see another day. But I’m so fucking tired of hoping to see you. It makes me feel worthless, because I keep staying alone. What the fuck are you doing? 

I’m going to play some Nintendo and go to sleep. 

Good night, person who influences my heart rate

[Of course I need to wait until the “war zone” sound is over, until I can go to sleep.]

xxx – 

13:25 (01:25 PM) 

Hello ๐Ÿ™‚

How long are we going to keep letting me do this? 

The “My Cuddle, I’m giving you my exact location, this is how I feel, this is how causality is playing out today. All I want is to see you. It has not happened again, today.”

I still really feel like dying, the way I’ve been feeling since age 10, but if you say that too loud, you might end up locked into the closed vicinity of a mental institution, and from there those feelings could get even worse. 

In the institution, they take away from you anything you could use to harm yourself. I had to hand in my razor and perfume bottle and stuff, when I entered. They didn’t think of taking the rope of my bathrobe.  Those suicidal thoughts have never faded, but it’s useless talking about them with those people there. You won’t snitch me, right? 

I’m doing the usual being in bed with hunger pains. Dying from severe malnutrition, accompanied by my malfunctioning heart, and breathing problems caused by the biochemical dysfunction of my spinal column, were what I’ve been silently hoping for, since that moment I chose to shun my parents, after they ridiculed me for my hope for a better future. 

At that time, staying silent really seemed like the right thing to do, when they kept raising their voices and it was clear to me that we were never going to reach a consensus.  I didn’t know that that was going to make me lose touch with my dear friend and only client, and get me stuck in the psychiatric system. If I knew that that could have happened, I would have spoken my mind instead of said nothing, but I’m certain that those words would have gotten me a black eye. If I wouldn’t have lost touch with my B, then, we would have done an international project together by now. 

But if it weren’t for the traumatic shit I’ve been living through for two years straight – because before the psychiatry shit, there was other shit – I wouldn’t have met this meow Vicje. Not that I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with him either, but he, now, too, has been on my mind so much. 

Is knowing that someone wants to die and then continuously making hurtful and heartless statements, indirect murder? 

The sky looks very beautiful today. 

I haven’t deleted my ASKfm account, because I do still enjoy answering some of the questions on there. 


14:47 (02:47 PM) 

I’m still being a bed petje. I read some of my old posts. That cigarette on my birthday was gebietst from my aunt. I smoked 75% of it. I hope that was my last cigarette ever. I do not have smoking cravings, it was more because I went to my room first, because I wanted to be alone, but it felt so socially weird to be in my room by myself, on a house party, so smoking a cigarette became the alternative. 

In (Dutch) mental institutions, closed vicinities have a smoking area. Haha in the hospital, there’s an area for smoking indoors. I was so bored there, that I’ve smoked my lungs out. The worst part of it, is having to ask a nurse to light it, because patients aren’t allowed to carry things that are dangerous. There’s nothing more humiliating than people assuming that you’re so incompetent that they expect you to flame the entire hospital, if they were to allow you to carry around a lighter. 

I speak of mental institutions, because my memories of being there, keep causing flashbacks. I’m in my bed, at my family friends in Amsterdam. Look:

My face is too petty ๐Ÿ™

Meow ๐Ÿ™ . If I decide to not keep thinking of creative ways to end my dreadful physical existence, I should, in my posts, too, reflect on the previous day. The problem is that doing that without writing it down, already causes such intense heartache and palpitations. 

But if I wouldn’t have hung out with the grandchildren of the family friends I’m staying at, I would have been able to give into my suicidal tendencies more. I worry about their future even more than I worry about my own.  The way the generation in power educates future generations is just…. Hopeless… I don’t know how to describe it more elaborately. I wish I had a good example to follow. 

Playing games with the intention of continuing to play, because there’s no better alternative to fill in time with, causes crazy tention, when you only play to win. 

Ohh I made this picture when I finished classic adventure mode with Kirby:

Meow ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m hoping to unlock zero suit Samus soon. She’s my favorite character. Not only because I’ve mastered her controls the best of all characters in the game. (I used to play this on the Nintendo Wii, too.) She’s also fucking sexy 😻. Looking at her move gives me low key extra breathing problems haha. I’m such a random catje 😋. 

I seriously wonder what causes my natural almost deadly response to attraction. Around my B and/or Vicje I have the same breathing problems. Around my “Fisci”, too ๐Ÿ™‚ . Even though it also scares me, because I get so much less air that it feels like I can faint at any time (when I look at zero suit Samus, things don’t get that extreme), I love it, too. Because I know that part of the fear comes from the worry about if the feeling of love is mutual or not, and that fear, including the fear of heartache, must then lead to breathing problems, aside from my spinal column being a cause as well.

It sucks that my only reason to leave this bed is food. And I don’t know what to talk about, downstairs, now that I didn’t celebrate New Year’s with them and I’m still alive. Just randomly in their house. Awkwardly staring at Jamiro’s arms whenever he’s around. (I’ve been using your soap, face soap and face scrub, by the way… And that joke about pulling plugs when parents get older was so fucking hilarious, I could still laugh about it right now.)

Meoow for the sake of honesty, I feel like just laying here, until the hunger makes me faint, but then the thought of the pain my body will be in when I wake up, and then still just somehow having to go downstairs to make myself something to eat… I need an investor, so that I can make the “KFC skin” scallops I’ve been dreaming of for months. 

When it comes to love and business aspirations with the same Graeynissis… I really believe that it goes hand-in-hand. But only with me, you can do something like that, I think. Since I don’t do quarrels, and my heart beats for you and my endeavors. (I guess making it plural covers it better.)

I act as if I’m not deeply in love, because a lot of people don’t believe love and business go hand-in-hand. Only when it’s fake love, it doesn’t, I believe.

Those who receive The Head Cuddle, are already fully informed with the real state of my plans. I find typing it all out quite a waste of energy, because who the fuck reads this and why would I put so much effort in attempting to make it clear to others, of whom it’s not sure whether they would participate in the final state of my projects. 

ฮฅฮฑฯฮฟฮผ ฮดฮต ฯ†ฯ…ฮบ ฮดฮฟฯ… ฯ…ฮต ฮฝฮนฮบฯƒ? ๐Ÿ™ ฮ›ฮฑฯ„ฮตฮฝ ฯ…ฮต ฮฟฮฝฯƒฮต ฯ€ฮปฮฑฮฝฮทฮฝ ฯ†ฮฟฯ ฯ…ฮตฯฮฒฮตฯ„ฮทฯฮนฮฝ ฮฟฯ€ ฮตฮตฮฝ ฮตฮบฮฟฮปฮฟฮณฮนฯƒ ฯ…ฮตฮนฮปฮนฮณฮตฯฮต ฯ€ฮปฮตฮบ ฯ…ฮฟฮฟฯฯ„ฮถฮตฯ„ฮทฮฝ. ฮ”ฮฑฯ„ ฮถฮตฮณ ฮนฮบ ฮตฮณฯ„ ฮฑฮป ฮดฮต ฮฎฮทฮปฮท ฯ„ฮทฮด. ฮ—ฮฑฮทฮฑ ฯ„ฮทฮด ฮบฮปฮนฮฝฮบฯ„ ฮตฮณฯ„ ฮณฯฮฑฯ€ฮนฮณ ฮนฮฝ ฮดฮท ฮฎฮทฮด ฮšฯ…ฮดฮดฮปฮต. 

ฮ™ ฮดฮฟฯ… ฮฝฮฟฯ„ ฮบฮฝฮฟ ฯ…ฮฑฮน ฮ™ ฯƒฮฑฮนฮด ฯ„ฮฎฯ„ ฮนฮฝ ฮ”ฯ…ฯ„ฯƒ – ฮผฮทฮฒฮน ฮฒฮนฮบฯ…ฮถ ฮ™ ฯƒฯ„ฮนฮปฮป ฯ†ฮนฮป ฯฮน(ฮต)ฯƒฯ€ฮฟฮฝฮดฮนฮฒฮทฮป ฯ†ฮฟฯ ฯƒฯ…ฮผ ฯฮนฮตฯƒฮฟฮฝ – ฮฒฯ…ฯ„ ฯ…ฮฟฯ… ฮบฮทฮฝ ฯ…ฮฝฮดฮทฯฯƒฯ„ฮทฮฝฮด ฮฑฮปฮป ฮผฮฑฮน ฮฝฮนฯƒฯƒ ฯƒฮฟ ฮผฮตฮฟฯ… :ฮ” (ฮ—ฮ‘ฮ—ฮ‘ฮ—ฮ‘). โ™ฅ

I’m talking about my physical realm – future’s originยฟ – of course. I know you’re doing a lot already.


16:25 (04:25 PM) 

The bed pet update:


This is the most hilarious character ever ahahah


18:00 (06:00 PM) 

My reason for leaving the bed is now to have dinner at the mother of one of the family friends I’m staying at, because it’s her birthday today. 

No further thoughts shared on that. I was playing NBA 2K19. I must say that I miss the practice modes from the previous NBA games. 

Here’s my player. He’s named Sexier BedCat, because first I made a player named Sexy BedCat, but I gave him the position of point guard, because that’s the position I should play when I play with men. But I’m more used to playing power forward, because that’s what I play when I play with women. 

Haha he blinked for the picture

The best I could do haha

Haha yaay


18:44 (06:44 PM) 

I’m still at this. 

Haha godverdomme

Pre party breakfast

19:03 (07:03 PM) 

Outside Fangsss 

Jam had to go back for een blikopener and I don’t know where it is soo

I’m chilling heree. I see him running towards me now. Be right backk xxx 


20:03 (08:03 PM) 

I did not expect to be at a party today. The way I feel on the inside does not suit a party setting at all.  I don’t understand the being invited part. I’m not really able to socialize. I wish I could,  but I really have nothing to talk about. 

The soup was very nice

And so was my dinner. This picture was taken mid-eating

I should be talking about things and making jokes the way everyone else does, right. What is there to say, seriously? I’m digging into my brain for things to say. Here, there’s nothing. All I can think of is that I intended to be dead right now, and for some reason I’m still here. I do not fucking know why. 

When it comes to injustice and the things addressed in 180 Days of Fangs and Lil Fangs for President (still unfinished), I hope I’ve been able to sketch the powerlessness in my situation clearly.

What should I do now? I’m staying in Amsterdam, with the friends of my parents, since the moment I came back from Berlin. Most of my valuable belongings are there. It is my intention to move out from here and not go back to my parents, because my father kicks me out every time I do something he doesn’t like, and he has such different intentions for me, compared to what I want for myself. It doesn’t even fucking matter what he wants for me, because I am the one who has to live through that.

Going from Amsterdam to Den Haag every day is going to make me collapse within a week for sure. I don’t even know why I haven’t collapsed yet. Or why I haven’t burst out into tears yet. Why is my faรงade such extremely thick layer?


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, December 31, 2018

01:52 (AM) 

I’m back in Amsterdamm

Tired catje 😴

My sister’s birthday was nice. I had some good non-microwave-level conversations ๐Ÿ™‚ . But I’m still cuddleless ๐Ÿ™ .

When people asked me where I’m going, when I left my own home, about an hour ago, I told them I’m going to party in Amsterdam on New Year’s. I had to say that. I mean my parents are going to party as well, on New Year’s, so being alone could have been in my own room as well, but that’s not the same. The amount of bad memories I have about my own bedroom are too insane for me to have that same perception when I enter 2019. If I do. I haven’t decided yet. I’m more prepared for one option than the other, because I’m tired of trying to get supporters. No year can be more fucked up than 2017 (maybe 2015), but for this year, again, there’s not really anything I could say that I’m proud of. The emotions I’ve dragged myself through, visible on this blog… I wish I would have shown you a great year. I’m tired of this cycle of bad luck. Also of the times of having hope for that Volta and it not happening, but still adapting my reasoning to that Good times are finally here. No more heartache. I can now call myself successful and my situation then becoming waaaay worse, instead of better… I’m just done. So done. I’m truly sorry that you’re reading this. You’re not supposed to know. I’m just addicted to telling you how I feel ๐Ÿ™ . I wish I was feeling good. Then my words would make you feel good, and this would be like a feel-good book. I’ve been trying to cause that Volta, but unfortunately, it’s still not here, and I’m so very tired.

I’m going to finish my pre-bed meal [I can’t sleep on an empty stomach and I get very hungry veryy fast… I think it’s because of my reasoning]

Almost donee

And then make my bed and go to sleep. I could sleep already, but I can’t go to sleep without telling you

Good night

I wish I were sleeping next to you ๐Ÿ™ 

I love you โ™ฅ


12:25 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

That was the Lil Fangs Facebook page

That was one of my personal accounts. The other one, “Daniรซlle Elia”, I can’t seem to be able to log into. But consider that one deleted as well. 

Deleting Instagram will be next. When I have conversations on Messenger, with unanswered messages, I answer them before I delete my account and leave my phone number, but I’m not sure if that person will be able to see that message. 

Why today is the perfect day for deletion? Because I’m “allergic” to New Year’s posts. Always have been. It literally makes me feel like vomiting.

I’m still bed petting ๐Ÿ™‚ . But I’m hungry ๐Ÿ™ . I want to stay in bed ah meoow. I’ll be playing on my Nintendo Switch all day, probably…


13:01 (01:01 PM) 

The relief 

Step 1 was going from business to personal 

Looking back and laughing for a good second

Haha I’ve been thereee

Ahahahahaha XDDDD

Me if I would get a Cuddle


Haha me too

Hungry bed pet wants a cuddle ๐Ÿ™ . 


13:55 (01:55 PM) 

I want to show you a text I sent to a very dear friend of mine. 

I’m kind of all over the place

There were many more points I wanted to make

I must say that I love the form of isolation that comes with it. It’s peaceful. It doesn’t include a lot of citing other prople’s statements. The only fucked up part is that there’s no one who has chosen that same path of isolation with me. Comee be my Cuddle ๐Ÿ™‚ .

But my data loss traumas make me rush things, to send them

It was not the exact same. It was veryyyyy similar. 

My hidden agenda for today, makes it unfortunately very uncertain, if I’m able to make this shift

I want to reach full consensus in this, but I’m chronically stubborn, so it’s unfortunately only possible when you slightly adapt your views to mine. For Cuddles ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I haven’t spoken to him in such a long time ๐Ÿ™ . The last time was when I via Facebook Messenger – the first time using social media again, after months [I only reactivated it, because I needed help getting the fuck out of that institution] – when I was transferred from de gynaecologie afdeling van het IJsselland ziekenhuis naar de gesloten afdeling van Bavo Europoort (haha godverdomme)

I want to be Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™ . I also want freedom. I’m also out of patience, so today will be a very decisive day. The most important part is that failure is not an option. With every attempt. Especially if I would “half survive”, I don’t want to live. So it’s either sleeping forever at once, or my Volta, if someone powerfully Graey looking at this page were to finally not give a fuck, too. Meow ๐Ÿ™‚ .


14:13 (02:13 PM) 

Heey look at what I just received in the mail ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The picture is even uglier than I expected. No joke. It’s worse than a mugshot. I want a new passport hahaha (sort of kidding… I won’t request a new one)

Where are we going? ๐Ÿ˜€ 😻

Please let me push through my other hidden agenda ๐Ÿ™ . I want cuddles and kisses ๐Ÿ™ .


14:39 (02:39 PM) 

The bed pet is about to leave the bed and meow around for some food.

By the way, on exactly twelve, I’ll be uploading a post for you and sending some people I’ve spoken to recently, who are dear to me a message. I don’t do the sending everyone in my contacts list an automated message nonsense. My New Year’s messages are always hand-typed. Just like my blog posts, by the way! I don’t do speech-to-text.  

Funniest thing about my passport delivery is that even the envelope says “signature required”, and it was never asked for. 


16:26 (04:26 PM) 

I’m having fun ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Playing together with the family friends’ grandchildren


21:12 (09:12 PM) 

Daamn meoow I typed so much text, ready for another upload, and when I tried to enter HTML mode, for the emojis, I lost everything I typed ๐Ÿ™ . 

To summarize it: today was fun with the three eldest grandchildren of the family friends I’m staying at. We played on my Nintendo Switch (which was how I started our conversation), and later, when the two guys were playing on it together, the girl Genesis and I made avatars for each other and watched a part of “Het regent gehaktballen deel 2” [I was laughing while watching it, but deep down, I thought Even children’s movies are about work life man wtf ๐Ÿ™ ], and right before they had to go home, we quickly had fun throwing around some knalerwtjes in front of the house.  

The videos I made I can’t upload, because of some server related issues. 

Some pictures:

She made this picture of me ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

She’s very talented ๐Ÿ™‚

This is the avatar she made of me

And this is the avatar I made of her. I forgot to choose the background, I see now ๐Ÿ™

I started to feel bad when they and their stepmother – who I know since I was little – invited me over to celebrate the count down of New Year’s with them and stick to my personal hidden agenda. 

In the end, you live for yourself. Only you have to see your perception 24/7, feel your emotions and body 24/7, reason the way you do, live through the decisions you (have to) make, et cetera. 

I do feel bad for leaving young children with questions and leaving behind my Cuddles and Graeynissis, with only my strategy and not my physical existence, but anything is better than another year of being powerless in this dumb world. I’m watching New Year’s reflections at De Wereld Draait Door. I will not miss not living anymore, seriously. I won’t give a fuck. All I need to do, is somehow stop thinking about those who love, and accept that they’ll never join my revolution. 
I need the acknowledgement of anyone, to be able to set in motion my revolution. My revolution is planned in such a way that it takes days, instead of years. I’m going to stop talking about it, because I’m far too passionate about it, and no one gives a fuck. 

It’s time to get drunk by myself ๐Ÿ™‚ .


23:31 (11:31 PM) 

I’m still watching TV. The word of 2018, according to mister Huibrechts, is “spermahond”. That means sperm dog. It’s to search for the sperm on a crime scene, apparently. I want to die ๐Ÿ™‚ . What perve got that idea? Who’s torturing those dogs with training? This country can just go to shit and I shouldn’t give a fuck. 


23:48 (11:48 PM) 

The problem about wanting to commit suicide, is that the location I’m at isn’t that convenient. The staircase at my parents’ house is better. But if I can succeed in the closed vicinity of a mental institution, I can succeed in it anywhere. Don’t think of afterwards, just think of now ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I saved myself some palpitations by changing the channel ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Doubts… I want to escape my perception for good

I wanted to get drunk, but I don’t want to empty someone else’s stash of alcohol… That champagne from that borrel got me tipsy after a few sips, though. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, December 30, 2018

15:22 (03:22 PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

Today we celebrate my sister’s 17th birthday โ™ฅ. I’ve chosen her name. I was sick at home and my parents were somewhere else. A reality TV show about a hospital was on, where they showed the birth of a child. She was named Kayleigh. I found that such a pretty name, that I called my mother to tell her that I wanted to propose a name for my sister to be. And now we’ll party until sunrise, to celebrate Kayleigh, together with all of our parents’ friends (haha what).

The time goes by so fast… It feels like yesterday that we turned the top floor into our spy office and made up our own games. Now you’re almost in your graduation year and you have your first official boyfriend… Next year you’ll also have to pay for your health insurance monthly and suddenly notice how much of a snake our father is for letting us pay the โ‚ฌ100 per month ourselves. 

Just like back in the day, I hope to earn enough to provide for the both of us and get the fuck out of this house. I love her so much that she doesn’t know how much she’s able to influence my heart rate. 

Here she was about 2 and I was about 7. We then still lived in Rotterdam, Prins Alexander (the neighborhood haha)

That’s the old motorcycle of our neighbor who, today, is still our neighbor

We always held photoshoots with our grandmother ๐Ÿ™‚

I love you โ™ฅ

We’re such bed pets… Our mother yelled to upstairs that we need to do the dishes, before her and my father left to go wherever. I just got dressed and put on my wig, Kay is still bed petting… 

I need to take care of the mess in my room as well x_x. 

Meoww, my Cuddle. I know it’s a lot of me to ask for your companionship today and forever, but, please…? *looks at you with Cuddle eyes* I need you ๐Ÿ™ . I can’t do this on my own ๐Ÿ™ .

The sky I see from my bedroom window has been looking like this for weeks if not months straight, which indicates that we need to get the fuck out of here ๐Ÿ™‚

If it weren’t for leerplicht and controversial beliefs in my talents, I would take my sister and her friends with me right away, when I go abroad…


17:15 (05:15 PM) 

My first meal of the day:

Yeheesss I’m hungraaaayy. These are the vegetables I cooked yesterday. I cooked a similar dish a few days ago, in Amsterdam, where I’ll be going again tonight, if I stay cuddleless ๐Ÿ™

Meow ๐Ÿ™


17:53 (05:53 PM) 

Making tables ready

I want to be alone maahn daaaamn. If I stay cuddleless today again as well, I will not regret ending my life the slightest bit. 

Haha I’ve put snacks and drinks on the tables and stuff… Now there are no more occupations I can avoid small talk with. Same place, same anecdotes, same feeling of superiority over me, which will be expressed every word of our superficial conversation, solely because of age (“life experience”) and finances, et cetera. 


18:17 (06:17 PM) 

Another fear I have is the fear for an intervention, because I act so differently from the way I used to act. I used to be all jolly and social on occasions like this, even though, underneath, I felt the same as I do now. The problem is that I become worse at faking my emotions. I just need a place I can be all by myself in. What’s the soonest way? Haha yess tomorrooww… 

I’m seriously smoking a cigarette by myself. I don’t even smoke anymore usually. I haven’t smoked weed for quite some time now, too, by the way. 

It’s still non-busy enough for me to retrieve now

It would be better if I weren’t here, truthfully. I’m here out of solidarity for my sister. I’m not “gezellig”. Help me ๐Ÿ™ . I need a mediccc. 


19:28 (07:28 PM) 

Wil je eten?


Haha I wish I were cool enough to start a project X with Graeynissis. Things are not looking well for this meow… 


20:42 (08:42 PM) 

If I would get โ‚ฌ15 for every time someone tells me that living the life of your dreams is impossible and that sometimes you just have to settle for a small house and a shitty job, I would be able to move out of my parents’ house by now for sure. 

Haha I feel so un-cuddle for depending on that job at the ANWB, but having this controversial website and having sent that controversial e-mail to the director who is so cute ahh ๐Ÿ™ . I’m afraid that my chances for being able to provide for myself are absolutely zero. And I do not want to keep depending on my parents and their network. 


21:18 (09:18 PM) 

I’m getting worse at hiding emotions, but I’m still doing pretty well, I think. 

Do I look happy? 


The real me and my faรงade are so very different. Yet still I will be accompanying my parents’ friends from Amsterdam in the car when they go home and celebrate New Year’s all by myself, since they too are going away on New Year’s. 

I’m sorry for writing this on my sister’s birthday ๐Ÿ™ . But at least something should resemble who I truly am. The truth about me, you can find here. 

They say another person’s perspective is a more trustable source, but that argument doesn’t take into consideration jealousy and the intentions of the person. I hope you just believe me as a the only source of myself. 

Haha if I were to receive โ‚ฌ15 for all of my suicide attempts, I would not be able to move out, but still, it would be a few months of health insurance. I’m tired of trying. I just want success. In something. Ah meow ๐Ÿ™ . I will be deleting all of my social media – my Lil Fangs accounts as well – except my websites, when I’m in Amsterdam. 


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Saturday, December 29, 2018

01:41 (AM)ย 


I’m almost done with the fundraiser pages. I’m now finishing Fangs’s Volta. Only when I’m fully done with everything I need to take care of, I will go to sleep. That is the text of the last form, the sign up form and making a slider.

I fully destroy my heart and brain with the ways I’m trying to do things for the greater good, without ever taking a break. I hope this fundraiser will lead to me finally being able to make that change and live happily.

I’m actually crying silently right now, because the stress and palpitations I feel are the same as every time I release a book [five out of six books are now (re)published, but I haven’t re-updated my books page, because I fucking can’t stand it when I put a crazy amount of effort in trying to do something good for all of us, and no one finds it worthy of looking at [GRRRRRRRR]]. I don’t understand why I don’t have an intense burn-out yet. I hope this fundraiser won’t be ignored the way my books are. Do you have any idea how fucked up this feels? I can die at any fucking second and I keep pushing myself to my limits, because I want to make the world a better place for all of us. And then people judge all of my content by only looking at my alias and my home page. It has such a negative influence on my peace mentality.

If my fundraiser will be ignored as well, I’m so very certain that I’m fully fucking done with this world. Then things really are hopeless. Not only for me. Who else is going to make that change? No one. But I’m done with keeping myself alive with the hope for better days. I find these regular “working days” of mine fucked up enough already, and to then act all jolly and social on my sister’s house party for friends and family on Sunday and celebrate New Year’s after that? Do you understand why I cry?

People think that when you talk about suicide, you want their attention. I talk about it because I try to distance myself from those types of people for all eternity, but I don’t have enough money to leave this godforsaken place for good. And I’m NOT going to fucking waste my life time slaving to get a few miles away from them.

I want to make it at once, get on a fucking plane with only my most valuable belongings, take those who I truly love with me – and the way I go about that is not according to the basic overused standard of life that shouldn’t be used to fucking judge people [I do not believe in “family first” anymore. Since 2015. It shouldn’t be an indirect social obligation to spend time with family. Especially when you have something way fucking better to do.] – and write history.

Or just not experience 2019 at all. To succeed in that attempt it’s actually better to not share it here, but for my then only written legacy, it’s better to leave some proof that this place is fucking hopeless and people are all fucking insightless heartless fucking shells who are completely fucking right about wanting to forget about their existence. All of the shit I’ve gone through in my personal life, while I attempt to help make life better from a beyond-government level, and even when my personal life fully drags me down, I fucking keep going, while all of these fucking flehs keep watching fucking Netflix man ooooh my goooood. I’m not even certain about what’s better anymore. When I’m dead, I also don’t have to work 9 – 5. Ah grrrrrrr why have I made my emotions public for these judgmental fucks. Yeah sure, try to fucking use my words against me, as I try to improve your meaningless existence.

Whatever happens, you won’t see me apologize for the shit that happend without me wanting to cause it, and I won’t be begging for your appreciation either. You can choose to follow my lead or stay stuck in this meaningless routine forever. There’s no one on this planet who can do what I do.

I’m going to finish the fundraiser pages and stuff and go to sleep.

Good night, those who will stay by my side โ™ฅ


04:57 (AM)ย 

I’m now done with the pages, form and slider, for the heads up. I even tested payment gateway. Look:

You can set the amount yourself. I don’t like asking for money and the 15 euros is a mere suggestion. To truly succeed, I need more than billions… ๐Ÿ™

I wish I didn’t need a donation ๐Ÿ™

Now I’m really going to sleep xxx


06:11 (AM)ย 

Sike haha… Hahah the not sleeping isn’t on purpose. It feels like my attempts to fall asleep are starting to turn into near-fainting. Something I don’t want to surrender to. I have been skipping meals, because I have an appetite for non-supermarket foods. Or at least something with nutritional value, I have not eaten three times in a row already.

I took this picture of the inside of the fridge yesterday, in between working on theย fundraisers pageย [mobile users might not have noticed the renewed menu indeling yet]:

Soo much foood, but still… All the containers include left overs I’ve eaten at least three times in two days already. I fried an egg with spinach earlier

What should I eat now? I don’t want to eat anything from the fridge, truthfully. But my stomach is soo loud it drowns out the sound of the TV in the room next to me [I can’t wait for the sounds of silence in my own house, for which I’ll need to emigrate because of the ways houses here are built close to each other, with thin walls ๐Ÿ™‚ ]. Hungry meow ๐Ÿ™ .

Why I, by the way, didn’t have a slider, is because truthfully I don’t find anything I have something that should stand out on this website. I can do so much better. This whole website is like a crib sheet….

I’ve already eaten an apple before going to sleep… Today’s left overs are finished (I hoped my sister’s squad liked my bami ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I want to eat varied and healthy… I wish someone would bring me food ๐Ÿ™ . Instant noodles make me feel full for only 5 minutes. (They’re also unhealthy. But avoiding that will be tough…) So letting myself faint and losing control over how I have a hand in my heart rhythm is not an option, now that I’m trying this fundraiser [but my bitterness from earlier might have fucked that up already ah meow ๐Ÿ™ ].

It’s cold, so I don’t want to leave my bed… Meoow what to eatt…

Wentelteefjes ๐Ÿ˜€ . And some fruit. I guess… But meow I’m too tired to cook, actually… ๐Ÿ™

Yet still it’s the tastiest, healthiest (sort of) and fastest acceptable solution for my growling stomach…

I can barely keep my eyes open, though. Ah meow, I’ll try to get myself downstairs and see what I’m able to do. Stay tuned ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx


06:49 (AM)ย 

Wentelteefjes it is… I’m making them now

Eggs, milk [I, by the way, always improvise the amounts of ingredients I use]

Vanilla sugar + cinnamon


Frying it


07:01 (AM)ย 

Flip 1

07:09 (AM)ย 

Round 2 ๐Ÿ™‚ [That clock is still still on Summer time]


07:25 (AM)ย 

In one of the pictures, it looks like I only stack the bread on top of each other to let the mixture soak in, but I’ve actually swapped the bread and flipped it, within the container. It’s important that every bread side gets soaked into the mixture well ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m now eating it on my bed. I’m drinking a glass of soy milk with it. After this, I’m going to – of course pee, as I have to about every 30 minutes and – go back to attempting to fall asleep. I feel today will be a bed petty day. “Haha” I do still need that fresh air…

Ohh and I have decided to not do any social media marketing. I want to delete my accounts, including my Whatsapp account. But to succeed in that process of getting to a certain form of mental and social freedom you can only feel when you’ve tried it, I need to be out of proletaria. I’ve deleted all of my social media accounts before. A lot of people interpreted that as “Ooh noo you don’t want to be friends with me,” I have been told. Life is not social media. I was getting sick and tired of seeing the same social algorithm every time. But if my action was interpreted like that, without asking me why I deleted my accounts, then those people are still right about me not waiting to be friends with them, because who wants to be friends with someone who talks shit behind your back (and basically leaves you for dead)….

But it’s important that my action of deleting my accounts isn’t seen as “a psychosis” (like last time, ugh). I find my blog and business website enough online niss to maintain. I also want to finally leave this traumatizing life behind. I want to show today’s sheep that I can make it without viral marketing on social media. (Even though others already did it in my name. Fucking bastards…)


15:06 (03:06 PM)ย 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

Two days of ยฟยฟยฟ left.

To start a fundraiser from my bedroom, while my address is publicly visible and people do the craziest things for money these days, makes me feel a bit hopeless… I should have lived somewhere secluded already. Because now, I still don’t have the network of friends I want and need (these Graeynissis), so I wouldn’t be able to get started with the large scale, full and international version of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I would just suddenly go from too broke to live happily on my own, to rich enough to change the world, while I’m still not with those who are powerful enough to make that change with me.

If I’d be able to raise enough funds, I would approach the 4 meow Graeynissis I mentioned on December 25th and attempt to make them an offer they can’t refuse. But the problem with my offer is that it includes that I want them to move to California with me… [It’s important that we’re in a safe location, while we makw our changes. If we don’t survive, then a lot of other people won’t survive either.] And they have families and stuff…

Another problem is that my parents do not fucking let me go. And I’m afraid a lot of people will threaten me, after I’ve paid off my debts and start to attempt to emigrate, all within a few hours of time, because they’ll want a share of my funds. If I die, my money goes to those who receive The Head Cuddle and Kayleigh. I hope they’ll proceed to put into practice my strategy.

What to do today? I need to wash my hair and my wig. I also really need to get outside, but just seeing this vervallen shit country gives me palpitations, and it’s cold, and the air smells like car fumes, so I tend to stay inside. There’s no one I feel like socializing with, here. I have nothing to discuss with them, and I don’t like purposeless conversations anymore. I want powerful friends ๐Ÿ™ . My sister might believe in me after I have them.

I’ll add the other donation forms to the slider as well, and include donation goals. But it’s really a crazy amount of money I need… ๐Ÿ™ I’m afraid the amount will scare people off. Or make them want to steal it from me. But this is my last chance. Ah meoow I feel like writing and releasing a book today. Because I really want it to be clear that I’m not raising money to fill my pockets. I’ll be writing Lil Fangs for President today. (My presidentness is based on the loopholes in the system I’ve found and will explain.)

But first… I need to figure out how to fill up my stomach this time. It’s growling again. I’m still in bed. Hmmm… ๐Ÿ™


18:17 (06:17 PM)ย 

You know things will be old fashionedly lit tomorrow, when you see this thing outside:

That tent is 7 meters long

I’m not ready for thisss. Hours and hours of random laughter and conversations on the level of: “I bought a new microwave yesterday. Check it out. *shows picture on phone*” The old me would say: “That’s awesome!ย  *digs for ways to continue the conversation* What’s the serial number? ๐Ÿ˜€ ” Now, all I can say to things like that is: “Cool” or “Nice” and attempt to smile, while, just like the old me, deep down, I think: God damn… How can one start a conversation about this? With me? I don’t give a fuck…

Every party that has been thrown in this household since day one, whether it’s for me, my sister or one of my parents, the people at the party are always 90% my parents’ friends.

I haven’t invited any of my “friends” to come over. My dear reader, you are so very welcome tomorrow. The party starts at 4, but it always starts to get busy around 7. There will be drinks and many (ordered) foods (dinner and snacks). I will cling to you all day long. We could then also pack my valuables from home and the luggage I still have laying at the family friends’ house in Amsterdam. And then be Cuddles and celebrate New Year’s together and not commit suicide . Meooow. I have to cook… Need these veggies…


20:18 (08:18 PM)ย 

Kay has helped this tired meow by making the chicken for me.


The second pan is for my “uncle” (family friend) who doesn’t like salted meat. The bigger pan is on 9 because the veggies still aren’t soft.ย 

On tomorrow:

If you want some chips, I got youu โ™ฅ

Haha it would be so amazing for me if you, my top-level Graeyniss of whom they say that we’ll never be together, be my companion tomorrow [the more, the better. I want to feel like a pimp. With these sexy catjes ah meoww ] and have some funny drunk conversations with people, about microwaves and shit. It’s best to start things off airy, before we continue to change the world ๐Ÿ™‚ .


20:52 (08:52 PM)ย 

The Elia sisters’ meal is servedd

I’ll be eating xxx


23:27 (11:27 PM)

I’ve editedย Lil Fangs for Presidentย a little.

Other than that, I’m too tired to edit this website (making pages etc) and make music. How about we do that tomorrow?ย  ๐Ÿ˜€ I always invite you to things and you never come/take it seriously. I really hope things will be positively different at tomorrow’s party. I’m expecting you… Of course I won’t tell my parents that, before they suddenly call the psychiatrists on me again bwahahaha.

I soooo hope to see my B tomorrow. It would be the ultimate “In your face”, plus all of this heartache from missing him will finally be over, because I can then finally cuddle him. For the first time ๐Ÿ˜€ . (It was always shaking hands, by means of saying goodbye.)

I also hope to see this Vicje. Did you know that my two exes from “de basisschool” were both named Viktor? I can’t wait to introduce you to my grandmothers, haha ๐Ÿ˜€ . All of you, my dear Graeynissis โ™ฅ.

I’m tired of this cooking slavery. They always say black people always cook a lot and they always force you to eat and shit. I’m always cooking, man. Even my grandmothers don’t cook anymore. And my grandfather is not with us anymore ๐Ÿ™ . He is by far the best hobbyist cook I’ve ever known.

Please come party with me and please come as early as possible. This is my house, too, sort of (not according to the dumb Surinamese proletarian house laws), so we have the right to casually party and casually leave, later. I’m claiming a side of your bed ๐Ÿ˜€ . Save this catje ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m going to sleep. With palpitations out of desperation, because this is such a perfect moment and impulse for my escape. Please back me up in this (meow HAHAHA . Ahh sorryy you’re soo attractive meoww… But I’m a colloqual professional, so only hugs and kisses ๐Ÿ˜€ . Also this catje is sick, soo… Ah meoww what am I saying haha x_x.)

I love you โ™ฅ

Tot morgen, toch?

– xxx –

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, December 28, 2018

03:33 (AM)


The proposal page and the 2019’s reform article are done. The Fangs’s Fundraisers page is made, but I’ll finish that tomorrow. 

Kayleigh made this tastiness โ™ฅ

I’m going to get ready for bed. I hope you’ll be tuning in to the making of the fundraisers’ page as well, today’s afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ . I also reallyyyy hope you’ll donate! [Especially to the funding of a better life for me… I want to be able to be all by myself and/or with Graeynissis on New Year’s… Really… Being stuck in this life from the start of 2019 as well would be too painful… I would be a crazy sad petje if I’d still fully be without public supporters, on January 1st ๐Ÿ™ . Cuddle? ๐Ÿ™ ]

I’m off to bed

I love you โ™ฅ

Sweet dreams


13:23 (01:23 PM) 

Good meow 😸 โ™ฅ

How’s your day?

Mine is quite petty this far. I just finished more of my sister’s jambalaya for breakfast, and a glass of orange juice. I feel like going back to bed… But this fundraisers page could be my freedom, finally.

I just received an email from the embassy in Berlin, about that they just received my (veryy ugly picture) passport I requested when I was there, and that it will be shipped out soon. If I’m truly honest, I would rather receive a US passport in which I have a legally changed name and a better picture. Along with a new phone number and a house I can stay in until my island is finished. And I’m taking this handful of Dutch Graeynissis with me, after I have bought them out. Given them an offer they can’t refuse and have them by my side for the rest of my life… If President Trump were to like me [I hope he does 😸 ], that could be taken care of at once, since he is authorized to, and we could then talk about how we could match up our economic systems ๐Ÿ™‚ . I don’t believe in competition between countries. It’s not good for our hearts, so let’s start strategizing about working together ๐Ÿ˜€ .

This INFP who used to be an ENFP is going back upstairs for a nap until 02:15 PM and then get ready [the parents of my sister’s boyfriend are coming to visit today, I believe, and I always worry about making a good first impression haha…] and work on my fundraisers. It’s plural, because for everything, there will be a seperate budget and I’ll share all of the details about my spendings and savings with you. I assure you that your money will be well spent, for a cause that will make you feel like more than a hero, for the rest of your life! โ™ฅ

I’ll be back *Arnold Schwarzenegger voice* xxx


16:30 (04:30 PM)  

This is a hint of what’s coming: 

The text might still be changed. [I won’t be changing the theme of my website, until I have a better budget for it.]

Meoww you’ll get acces to the forum, because you’re an insider when your donation is exceptional. That is not a tegenprestatie, because it’s just something you have the right to. It’s part of the life of a Fangyist, who is a D.O.C.I.S. International insider. 

There are a lot of unspoken D.O.C.I.S. International insiders, who receive The Head Cuddle. I hope they’ll come out of hiding and donate to this Cuddle 😸. Meoww I so can’t wait to get the fuuuck out of proletaria yoo. 


17:32 (05:32 PM) 

Forget what I said about worries about a first impression. In the future, it will be the other way around. My expectation was something different. I suck at small talk big time, so I’m here in “the annex”, awkwardly. The desk in my room is too small too work behind, the airplane-like sound from those computers on the top floor is far too disturbing and the dinner table is now saved for small talk. I have work to dooo. Please help Lil Fangs buy a house with an office and work undisturbed(ly?), my Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ . Haha help Lil Fangs perfect her English, by helping her move to the United States. Help me buy these Graeynissis [and let them twerk for me all day 😻 [HAHA slightly kidding 😸… You will be exchanging part of your routine for dance rehearsals, though, my Graeyniss… If you’re becoming part of my Lil Fangs for President campaign 😸]]. I don’t want to leave the country for good, without them… Those 4 names mentioned in previous posts, are only a few of the many Graeynissis in this country ๐Ÿ™‚ . Aahhh my eaaarsss… These palpitations…


20:09 (08:09 PM) 

In case you’re wondering where your donation page is: I’m still working on it. I’ve reconfigured my PayPal settings and the donation settings for this website. Now I’m making donation forms. They include a description of for what your donation will be used, which should be clear and not too long. 

Check it out 😸:



21:11 (09:11 PM) 

Excuse my other *low key steam coming out of ears* obligations;

It’s past nine, not ten

Payment methods are PayPal, bank transfer and giving me a check ๐Ÿ™‚ . I haven’t set any donation goals, because if I were to state them, we would all get palpitations haha. I wonder how far I can get with this. I know most Dutch proletarians are a very “hard to get” audience, in terms of demands, so I consider my chances with them as hopeless, since I need a higher budget to satisfy them. I’m hoping for the support of people with a higher class income. 

I, by the way, edited the proposal page. 

Meanwhile, I’m done cooking. The plastic bag pre-cut vegetables were overdue, so they have not been included. 

Veggie improv

I’ll continue to work on the fundraisers page, until my father has baked the steak we’ll eat with this.

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Thursday, December 27, 2018

00:22 (12:22 AM) 

My love โ™ฅ

We’ve almost gotten ourselves through the holidays. I hope you’re enjoying the experience, but have not become so attached to it that you’d be one of those who insist that the annual routine of life right now, will be the exact same in 30 years. I think I have a healthy alternative for you. There are many things on my list for today. Regarding my political aspirations and the current state of my business (branding). I hope I’ll finally be able to break down everything on Graeyniss level and I pray you’ll anticipate in it. Not only for the greater good (in the context of all of nature). It’s also for the Volta I so desperately need. 

But first, I’ll get some rest. The cooking and being semi-social [I just reallyyy suck at small talk] has drained all of the energy I had left. I’m going to put away my phone, before I start writing entire essays to you and collapse from this fatigue. 

I love you โ™ฅ

Good night


11:14 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I just dashed downstairs to eat some left overs. Now I’m back in bed. I’m still tired, so I’ll close my eyes again. But I just had some inspiration for today’s post and I want to make sure that I don’t forget it. 

To summarize what I want to touch on today, I’ll start with a – to me – less heavy topic, by elaborating on that statement from yesterday about wanting a companion. From there I touch on achieving my goals via politics and the topic of togetherness in that, plus the topic of my “social network” (family, family friends, friends) and the background check [because of which I was trying to get those psychiatry people to let me review my fucking medical records, but they didn’t allow me to do that, even though I have the right to… I’ll tell you in advance that things will be different than usual with the involvement of my social life in my career. I’m not going to be smiling on pictures with these people. Not only because I don’t have time for it and I don’t fucking want to… All my free time is for my Cuddles and Graeynissis. Feel free to check my background and the backgrounds of everyone in my social realm. Especially the US government is allowed to, according to our “privacy laws”, which were first Dutch and are now European] that comes with entering politics. (Haha I learnt so much about politics and spin from watching Scandal.) 

And then I’ll figuratively take you along with me, as I finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website, file that depressing revenue tax report and make a donation button/page for this website. I also want to make a beat, but that might be happening tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll finish everything on the list for today, but we’ll see. This is what I always do, but now you, my Graeyniss, have a holiday, after 10000 years [I’m pro give my Graeynissis their lives back], so you can tag along ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll be napping until 12:30 xxx


11:47 (AM) 

Reasons why I feel like emigrating to Antarctica and spending the rest of my life in an ice cave by myself:

I do not want your fucking tips, Facebook…

You won’t mind if I delete all of my social media accounts, right?

Okayy little break. I’m too triggered to fall asleep because of this now haha… [Because only with superficial things you reach the masses, apparently. Oh or with details on horrific ways how people’s lives were ended. Blub blub blub, niqqu. Ha-ha just kidding… ๐Ÿ˜€ ]


12:40 (PM) 

Meow 😸

I’ll stay bed petty, until I’m done with the elaboration, then shower and get behind my laptop. Maybe also take a walk, because I spend too much time inside. I would say “I need some fresh air,” but for that I’ll have to drive all the way to Germany. 

Yesterday, I suddenly missed the social isolation that comes with being in a relationship. If you’re with the person you’re dating, in a group setting, it’s not that much of a foul to, when the table conversation is going on (and it sucks), figuratively close yourself off from it, by talking to the person you’re dating. 

I’m not saying that I want back the exact isolation I was in when I was with my ex, which included a lot of sex, a lot of weed and a lot of unnecessarily heated discussions. I’ve retired from that type of relationship (and smoking weed so frequently). Now I’m in need of something more Graey… 

I cannot talk with anyone in my social environment about this [I mean I can, but they all use the same proletarian TV script in their responses, about how it’s all hopeless and can’t be solved]: I don’t trust today’s democratic politics with the way the solutions to problems are temporary. It’s like they patch up the world’s issues, by means of pleasing the people, while things should actually be replaced, because those patches don’t last forever. In the future, they might all wear out at once. The world can’t last the way it does. 

For example, look at all of the old cars Dutch people drive. (From all of the countries I travelled to, only here you see so many cars that just look like they can fall apart at any second.) For the short term, our current insurance system, in which I have a tiny bit of working experience, is very nice for the consumer, because they’re less incentivized to buy new cars. For the economy and our safety, it’s not good. Car manufacturers are incentivized to produce more eco-friendly cars, but the masses don’t buy the most recent car the way they buy the most recent iPhone. Can you imagine that day the Netherlands risks to flood and all of those people with their cars from 2001 start to cross the border, with their beasty moods, seeking for a new way to survive abroad (illegally)? Truthfully, I don’t really want to be the Dutch prime minister for four years. I just want to make sure that that proletarian diaspora doesn’t happen (in an uncontrolled manner). I was very young when it happened, so I wasn’t that aware of how the world works, then – I’m still learning, even – but I bet the Netherlands were screaming and shouting the loudest, when there were debates about opening all borders in Europe? It’s so in their advantage, when the dikes flood. I find that the borders should be closed again. 

Gotta pee xxx


13:19 (01:19 PM) 

I’ve been alone all my life. In the beginning, I really was alone. Or at least only surrounded by family, family friends and neighbors. I interacted with them, but the reason for our “friendship” isn’t/wasn’t because we get along so well or because we have a similar character, interests or a similar personality. No. The reason is causality and I have been trying to free myself from it. (But I really need some Graeyniss assistance to succeed in this… Please claim this catje ๐Ÿ™ . (I’m the catje 😸.))

After being called “ongezellig” so often, as a child [my future self [I am now my future self compared to that little meow I was 18 years ago] internally says krijg de tering to all of those people], I started to make more friends in school and stuff. Again, there, the greatest reason for friendship is causality. Especially the underground figures I know from visiting coffeeshops [the Dutch coffeeshops that sell weed, semi-legally, because the government fucking earns sooo much from commercial weed], I know from causality. And I give my phone number to people far too easily, because I don’t want to hurt people by saying no. [I need a new phone number, but I don’t want those 99% of people to be able to reach me anymore. I want to emigrate, still… It should be a +1 number, instead of +316… Oh, now that we’re at it. Fuck it, right? +31618579724 feel free to contact me, but please text me, because I’m not a fan of making phone calls. Especially if they’re purposeless.] But by now I’m almost certain that 99% of all proletarians don’t have real feelings. They only know an emotional script. I’m still alone. As in there’s no one I can be myself with. Having someone to talk to, is so different from having someone to spend your time with, who “spends time” in a similar way. I find this form of being and missing hard to explain. That’s probably because I haven’t experienced it in my life ever. Real friendship and real love. 

What I find the funniest about issues in politics, by the way, is that they’re the most intense on working days, and most often don’t even seem to “happen” on holidays. Except in Suriname, of course, hahaha. (That counter coupe, after the December murders. And then saying “Merry Christmas”.)

I vaguely know most of the people in my network of family, family friends and friends, have a past and/or present that includes involvement in criminal activities. There are even people who have tried to involve me in it. I’ve always refused – except for a few weeks back in Germany, I’ve cut a marijuana plant for the first time [I value honesty and transparency. We also smoked it all day long. The cutting itself was such a relaxing experience… I thought if the cops were to barge in and a legal process would follow, I could explain the causality of me knowing the guy and that I smoked for free and that I’m probably sick as fuck… So basically free medication] – when they tried to involve me in their things, because all my life, what I found the most important, was keeping my record clean, because of the career I attempt to live towards. Also, illegal and/or crazy things and the risk of being locked into a large construction with the most insane people, was my biggest fear. I basically lived through my biggest fear, since I’ve been involved in the psychiatric system. Now, the next scary thing is fighting to my death, but even for that, I’m ready now. I wouldn’t even care if I’d die. Fangs doesn’t give no fucks about nothing. 

For every year, since I was sixteen, I’ve been saying: “Next year, I’ll be successful and have my own house. I’ll be providing for you, by then.” And I’m still in that same fucking position now. I was acting quite semi-jolly during those “Christmas moments” [ugh…], but I hate that my words are still not reality. I want to be number oneee. But not in regular shit, like getting the highest grades and stuff…. That’s not useful in what I want to achieve, really. Then I wouldn’t have time for all of my side-projects, such as blogging. Which is now basically what I hold on to, for the sake of at least “having one of my many unique things out”. 

After my sister’s birthday, I’m going back to Amsterdam. But truthfully, I just want to live on my own – and Amsterdam is what currently comes closest to it, but it’s far from “it”, still. (I’m still broke… Broke means not having enough money to spend, basically.) I have still never lived alone, even though I crave for it day in day out. Aside from those moments I’ve been able to rent a holiday apartment or hotel room with a kitchen, or having stayed in my grandmother’s house when she was on a holiday. My problem during those moments, is that I think: I’m having the time of my life, but it’s finite. Three days of freedom left… Two days of freedom left… Et cetera. I call it freedom, because these proletarians I’m surrounded by all believe that they have more knowledge on life than I, and always want to know shit about my life, so that they can give their bullshit opinion about it – as if they have anything going on in their lives – and then give me advice, based on their “life experience” oh give me a breakkkkkkk please goddddd. 

Meoow I’ll spend New Year’s alone, but the problem is, besides being called “ongezellig” [as if proletarian conversation is ever “gezellig”… It’s all about laughing… Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not… “Am vielen Lachen erkennt man den Narren.” It’s all of proletaria], is that that period of peace the most peace only lasts from like 9 PM until 1 AM, because it’s still not my own house, and thus proletarian conversation will continue when I’m not alone anymore. My secret hope is now making that donation thing, but splitting the opportunity to donate over seperate purposes, and hoping that I’ll get some support for the “please help Lil Fangs live independently” cause. If I’d upload it today, I could buy myself a space I can be semi-truly happy in. The happiest I would be if I would have Graeynissis in my house very regularly. Don’t worry about getting along with my family, family friends and/or friends: you don’t have to. I don’t intend to either. Yay ๐Ÿ˜€ . I would also be happy moving in with a Graeyniss… But the thought of socializing with children whose father I have the feeling of wanting to be intimate with, while we almost have the same age, gives me palpitations… I can’t help that I find power, intelligence and suits attractive…

On all of my visits to restaurants when I’m with my family: my father is always the one who pays, by the way. My parents just asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch with them. My initial response was saying yes, because I’m hungry as fuck, but there are a lot of things on my list and going out for lunch is very time consuming, so I said no.

I’m going downstairs to eat again – I wish I would have someone who would bring me food and maybe even feed me – and shower.

Tune in later for some live web maintenance and talking about the strategy for 2019 I still need to make up, because I have the most silent audience ever. All I know, currently, is that Kista, in Sweden, is the city I’m the most popular in, now (if that’s not because of an IP input mask (?)).


15:19 (03:19 PM) 

I added some clarifications to earlier written posts and turned my tomato soup into a semi-new dish, by adding mashed potatoes to it. 

Haha I need new food… But I’ll be showering xxx


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

On the closed borders: if all countries except the Netherlands were to suddenly close their borders again, of course people here would suddenly start to use their brains and get a whiff from everything that is going on. My policy says that those with greater capacities, a higher level of intelligence et cetera should be privileged in this, because we’ll have to build a whole new world. But of course dumb wild animals won’t accept that, and start to think outside the box, not accepting their fate. That’s why it should be guided very well. That’s also why I find it better to cause it, than to wait for it, if you know what I mean. But again, guided. By me and no one else. I don’t easily trust people. Especially not when they can settle for a life in front of the TV. 

That cutting of a weed plant once, and having moved in with an employee of the hotel I slept in in Berlin, who is a dealer on the side, is not the only criminal activity I’ve been involved in. The other one was being my father’s book keeping assistant from age 15 until age 18 or something. I stopped working for him, when I started my studies at the Erasmus University, but he stopped paying me long before that (I’m far too kind hearted, man, what the fuck…). 

I used to earn from ironing for the family, when I was 10, but after a few years I wanted to up my pay, so my sister started to do the ironing and I became the book keeping assistant for my father’s sole proprietorship (and this household). [I was also a cashier at the Albert Heijn, when I was 16, for like 6 months. Then I decided that I need a better life and I came up with my first business idea. But my father didn’t want to give me the โ‚ฌ600 I needed to start it, because he feared that I would drop out, because of the idea’s success…] There were many things within the way I was ordered to disseminate transactions to the book keeping office, I didn’t agree with. In the beginning, I still did it, because I was relatively popular at that time and I had birthday parties I bought presents for, every month. Plus my phone subscription et cetera were all very pricey, and “the good form of parenting from my parents” lets me pay for everything myself, as far as possible. (If they could, they would let me pay rent for living here.) The accountant’s office my father works with [Pink Notes], every now and then sent a document with transactions of which evidence needs to be uploaded, which I did. (Receipts.) They were from personal expenses, done from his business account. The evidence was needed to request a tax back. Especially when I saw how much money was coming in, and how much from that was given to my sister and I [THAT โ‚ฌ160 A MONTH WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW MUCH THIS BITCH NIQQA EARNS], I was quickly fucking done with it. [I type this with trembling hands, eh, because that man is fucking insane and on my life I swear he would rather kill me and keep his money, instead of earning things fully legally and allow me to live happily.]

And now the illegal shit in my life is living in a house with a shitload of bictoin generating computers. [It’s the dumbest, most non-eco-friendly thing I’ve ever heard, really. If you don’t think in money, like me, you just see a fucking literal waste of energy. These things are literally on 24/7. A computer is on 24/7 and from that you suddenly get money. There’s no value in that. There’s only a lot of fucking noise coming from them, in my eyes. Other than that, to me, it’s valueless. It sounds as if I’m in a fucking plane. That’s how loud they are.] On that picture of myself I uploaded yesterday, you see two of them. For the sake of the environment, my health and the economy: having these computers in a regular house should be illegal. Actually, that whole industry shouldn’t even exist, because for actual non-value an individual can suddenly buy crazy amounts of resources. 

Here are two more:

Kanker computers

Only people who have shit to hide buy this type of shit, while they live in proletaria…

And of course, with the whole “schizophrenic but still intelligent” situation, they can easily frame me, so I’m trying to be ahead of things here.

Soo let’s get to that revenue tax report I’ll now file for both that one time I unsubscribed my previous business, but never filed it, and my current business. If you only knew how much it hurts to fill out “0”, “0”, “0”, in almost every fucking field… 

Now, I can fill out having earned $6.20 (US/UK style) $6,20 (“NL style”) “woohoo”. It’s $7.77 minus the cut for the “distribution center” behind the online book sales. 

Meow ๐Ÿ™


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Excuse me, but it’s not healthy to say that these revenue tax numbers, should be rounded numbers. It’s like you’re saying “Please commit fraud,” because in this way, you allow people to keep their book keeping a mess. Also, for broke ass sole proprietors like me, I couldn’t even “do my full bookkeeping” by filling out โ‚ฌ5,45 and โ‚ฌ1,15… But I just saved myself fifteen cents. *throws confetti*

Ahahah they seriously want me to pay โ‚ฌ1… Ga toch op het dak zitten joh…. But of course, it’s my legal duty to pay it. 

Ahahaha dit is niet yusuuu

That was my revenue tax for het 3de kwartaal van 2018 [jaa ik ben een beetje laat, want ik zat in Duitsland zonder die code uit die brief van toen ik de eerste keer mijn wachtwoord ontving, die ik nodig had, omdat ik mijn wachtwoord was vergeten…]. For het 4de kwartaal van 2018 it’s “0”, “0”, “0”, etc. look:

I haven’t earned anything yet, this quarter, and I don’t see that change any time soon

Over a donation I don’t have to pay revenue tax, since it’s a donation. Unfortunately I can’t give you a shout out on my website, when you give me a donation, because then that will be considered a tegenprestatie, and then I would have to give 21% of that donation to the Dutch government. No one wants that… 

Be right back, I have to transfer โ‚ฌ1 to die fucking zakkenvullers. Revenue tax shouldn’t exist. 


18:44 (06:44 PM) 

I’m now editing this webpage. After that, I’ll make the 2019’s reform article on this site and refer the D.O.C.I.S. International slider link to it. And then the Fang’s Fundraisers page and a new menu on this website ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


19:41 (07:41 PM) 

I must say those bitcoin computers were keeping me pretty warm there in my father’s home office on the top floor. The Dutch winter got me like:

Het is koudddd

Cishe? ๐Ÿ˜€


20:12 (08:12 PM) 

I’m almost done with that page, but I’m now going to cook some spinach, because I don’t want to eat left overs… I’ve been eating left overs all day already… 


23:22 (11:22 PM) 

Dinner was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ . My sister made jambalaya ๐Ÿ™‚ (I’ll snap a picture when I go for my midnight snack). While we were watching Boondocks, a series we watched often in the past, I made a new post and page for this website. Right after cooking the spinach and before seating at the dinner table, I finished the proposal page I mentioned earlier. 

In the reform article I want to mention how I’ll use the donation funds, why and how donations, and that I actually still don’t want to do it via the Dutch democratic system, since I don’t believe in it and don’t trust it, still. The concept of the Dutch government is so vague and so privatized, that truly there’s not really even a government that can be spoken of. I want to stay independent. I hope you’ll support me in that. I’m going to get off the toilet, charge my phone, eat a snack – but no jambalaya yet – and continue to edit this website. I might make a slider for this website as well. 


Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

01:57 (AM) 

There’s some text in the previous post, which was updated after 12.

I would love to talk to you some more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Plus, I’ll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, because during last evening’s dinner, we decided that I’m not only in charge of the mashed potatoes. I’ll also be making the starter. My sister wants something with raw salmon, so I’ll be making my own version of zalmtaartaar :)โ™ฅ .

I’m off to bed

Good night, my love โ™ฅ

I love you โ™ฅ โ™ฅ

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ


13:11 (01:11 PM) 

Good petty afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I’m too bed cuddly, and still tired, so my mother is going grocery shopping and I need to text her what I need for my cooking. I always decide what kind of ingredients I’ll use, when it’s time to go shopping for them, and then based on what kinds of taste I’m in the mood for. 

So for the mashed potatoes, I was thinking of keeping it very simple: potatoes, butter, milk, celery (my variation), nutmeg, vegetable stock/truffle oil and mustard

And the zalmtaartaar ( = tartar of salmon [but it seems like tartar means wild personยฟ I’m talking about a dish haha]) I want to make with: fresh salmon (not frozen please), fennel, (frozen) spinach [I find that tasting a lot less bitter], steranijs (star anise), vegetable stock, creme fraรฎche, parsley, white wine and sesame seeds. I’ll make “een bedje” [’cause I’m a petje ๐Ÿ˜€ ] of spinach and finely chopped fennel, cooked and cooled off, with the anise. The salmon will go on top, stuck together in its shape by creme fraรฎche with vegetable stock (cooled off, since the salmon needs to stay raw). It will be topped with a “blendered” mixture of cooked and cooled off fennel, parsley and white wine. And then some grilled sesame seeds and parsley for garnishing on top. 

I’m not sure if I should include a lime in this, because I made something with the combination of anice and lime, and that tasted like a very nasty cough medicine. A lime would probably also be nicer with non-raw salmon. So no lime in this dish ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Oh we didn’t have plans for soup yet either. The basic tomato soup I make includes… Waiit she already left so I need to text her the shopping list xxx


13:50 (01:50 PM) 

The soup I’ll make is inspired by this recipe for Turkish tomato soup I learnt from the cooking guide “game” for the Nintendo DS, when I was little. I’ll be using: butter, flour, vegetable stock, tomatoes, creme fraรฎche, thyme and rosemary

Haha a lot of my diary posts include recipes and reflections – basically they’re always reflections after the introduction – but they’re not put into that category, because I do not always want my philosophy to stand out on this website. There are so many hidden gems in it, I want to keep it a good the user needs to do a little effort for, to obtain it. I’m doing this all for free. I don’t even earn royalties or ad money. So I would like that act of love in return. Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’ll later include pictures of the cooking process. My sister will assist me today ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ.

Time to make some “breakfast”… I have a hunger headache. Tot later ๐Ÿ˜€ .


15:12 (03:12 PM)

A last-minute impulse made me think of what to eat the tartar with. I’m thinking of slicing the type of baguette you need to finish in the oven yourself in very thin toasty layers and putting it in the oven with self-made garlic oil with mint

My “breakfast” [first meal of the day, but past breakfast hours, so in between quotation marks] wasn’t really worth sharing. It was just very basic: cooked instant noodles. There were not many better alternatives. 

I accomplished this during/after it haha:

I love this gameee. I gave it to myself as a present last night. Remember when I purchased the Switch and this game was still unreleased?

I’m still hungry… I’ll just start cooking right after I shower and feed off tasting my food to see if the taste is right. That’s something I often do when I can’t find something suitable [in terms of healthiness and how much it makes me feel full… I’m not saying that instant noodles are healthy. They’re what makes me feel the most full of all things available for cooking at the moment] for me to eat. 

So be right back again meoww xxx


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

Meoww we’re doing thiss. First I want to do all of the cutting for all of the dishes. So cutting the tomatoes and the fennel, plus skinning [what’s the right word?] the potatoes. 

For now I’m doing things solo, because my sister also has to help my mother and shower and take care of other business.

Haven’t worn a schort since my first times cooking. But I want to keep my dress clean hehe.

Fast and simplee

Haha it would be so cool if you’d cook along with me ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

This will be my occupation for now. I’ll keep you up to date xxx


17:26 (05:26 PM) 

De huidige stand van zaken [the current state of affairs]:

As finely chopped as possible on this pace


My sister is helping me โ™ฅ. [That clock is still on summer time. It was 17:22]

I’ll now start cooking what I need for the tartaar and start making the vegetable bouillon. 

Tartaar first (because it still has to cool), soup second, potatoes last. 

I need to get some stuff from the freezer in the shed. Be right back xxx


17:42 (05:42 PM) 

Frozen spinach has to defrost first

The back pan is for the topping, the front one is for het bedje ๐Ÿ™‚


18:06 (06:06 PM) 

I hope to be done around 7/07:30 PM. 

Sweet white wine for the back right pan. I compensated sourness a little with sugar.

Vegetable stock and creme fraรฎche to stick the salmon together in the star cookie shape 

Vegetable stock + tomatoes. Letting it boil until the tomatoes are fully soft

Parsley added (almost forgot about it lol) 

Perfectly blended tartar topping ๐Ÿ™‚

The parsley is there because I needed a cutting board and wanted to save on dishes to wash


This + those slices of bread + mint and garlic oil + oven


19:10 (07:10 PM) 


Part einss

Part zweii

19:42 (07:42 PM) 

This is my first time ever trying this. I think it has worked out quite well ๐Ÿ™‚ .


Meoww ๐Ÿ˜€ . I hope it tastes goood


19:55 (07:55 PM) 

Aahhh I’m exhausted maahnnn. But it’s all donee. Excuse the chaos of pictures. 

Time to eat yoooo xxx

Can’t wait to taste itt

Those are dates filled with cream cheese…

Date me ๐Ÿ˜€ . Ah meoww at first I was all like “Woohoo I’ll stay single forever,” but on days like this I really miss a companion. 


20:26 (08:26 PM) 

El soupp


20:42 (08:42 PM) 

Shout out to my Amsterdam family friends for giving me socks and a gift card โ™ฅ

When I went shopping with my mother last weekend, I picked Lady Million Privรฉ by Paco Rabanne and blush, lipstick and fixing spray from MAC as Christmas presents. I opened them when I went to that party on Sunday haha… 


22:25 (10:25 PM) 

I’ve been semi-socializing [semi because I wasn’t leading the conversation]. Here are some more dinner pics:

The Brancott Estate 2015 Sauvignon. It’s all right [or should I say “it can wait” HAHA love you B โ™ฅ]

I’m still looking for that wine with a less dominant taste of alcohol. Like the way Remy Martin XO’s taste of alcohol is very subtle, which makes the other aspects of the drink much more flavorous. 

The traditional [even though I’m Dutch/”Surinamese”] main Christmas dish

I cut the turkey ๐Ÿ˜€ . So I earned thiss . It was very tasty ๐Ÿ™‚ . My mother made the turkey, gravy, cranberries and veggies

My cousin has taken care of our dessert. She has brought three of them ๐Ÿ™‚ . We’re starting with this:

Een kaasplankje and a selection of sausages

It’s easier for me to write self-reflection when I’m by myself. So these pictures are my entertainment for you now. I hope you’re having a nice day ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Panna cotta ๐Ÿ™‚

I fucking loveee foooood. And wiiinee. 

The third dessert will be served soon as well. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

00:43 (AM) 

Ohh something important that just came to mind, I still need to mention: My parallel coup [in the sense that I don’t believe in the democratic system and thus I don’t intend to waste my time with trying to acconplish my endeavor via that route… I want it to be a violence free route] technocracy parliament is built up diffrently from regular parliaments. The Praesens, me, has a say in everything and is on top of everything. My Graeynissis report to me and I report to the public. And my local Cuddles report to my Graeynissis (and me). [I use present tense, because this is informative.]

The Strategicus, My B (= Visje = Benoรฎt), is the head of our public strategy. Our greatest challenge is making the public understand what’s going on and how we’re solving it, plus how the public should anticipate to join us (if they want to). [This is currently all just an idea, still. I haven’t spoken to him about this in real life, but I know he already knows about it, because of The Head Cuddle. Call me a schizophrenic for this, but you can’t prove it, because we haven’t seen each other since like February 2017. We were planning to meet again in April 2017, but then I wasn’t allowed to, by my parents, and the thing with the psychiatry started. The report in yesterday’s post says that it started in March 2017, but that is fucking bullshit. I’m telling you, it’s all insurance fraud, because I never wanted to undergo any therapy. I solely kept talking to them, because I wanted them to delete my file.] 

For My Vicje [the “-je” makes it funny, because in Dutch, words ending with “je” mean “little” [just like “-chen” in Germanยฟ], but he’s so tall that I need to tilt my head slightly upwards, when I speak to him [love it haha]] I was thinking of him being the head of where our international policy is unique in common/civil(?) law, in the field of business, since our parliament is a business. There are a lot of things we need to internationally negotiate about and new laws that need to be stated. Especially with the island and the controversy among responsibility among the risk among the Dutch waterworks. And also because some people I want as members of our parliament are not Dutch. Plus – your background in insurance makes it perfect – we need a completely different insurance system. (But the head of health related things is someone else… Maybe doctor Cuddle? ๐Ÿ˜€ ) How should we call your function? 

Lorenzo and Sander [I don’t have nicknames for you yet… Sometimes I base them on things I remember someone say. But with me remembering Lorenzo using Mickey Mouse as an example, and me remembering Sander speaking (lecturing) faster than Busta Rhymes raps [there’s no better definition for talent… Lecturing in English, while you’re young and Dutch! On the eye contact thing: I would do the same with such a tough crowd… Sorry about being a meeloper, by the way ๐Ÿ™ โ™ฅ. I only said that thing to you, because I wanted to not hear students talk shit anymore. We still spoke after the day I mentioned that, I remember. [How did you know where I was exactly after I finished my midterm…? I walked out of that classroom, alone, and you were standing behind the door and asked me how my test went. You walked towards the exit with me… (Omg why did I not attempt to let it lead to chilling for far longer… I always put so much Must… Act… Intellectual… pressure on myself around Graeynissis I find attractive, I tend to hide…) You must receive The Head Cuddle ๐Ÿ˜€  ] and him saying that some guy “should have been sacked” when some example of fraud was given. Oh, I’ve spoken Lorenzo once, too. It was fully unnecessary, in the sense that it wasn’t about the exam (for which I was so unprepared I was scared to ask questions). I just wanted to talk to him, so I thought of walking up to him during the break of one of his lectures I was in, and ask if it’s possible to have a holding with only one stockholder. I knew it’s not forbidden… But I didn’t know family businesses fell within that same category ๐Ÿ™‚ . I wanted to ask if the De Medici family falls within that category – I know the name, and some other things about them vaguely. But it felt too random, since I picked that family as an example, because he’s from Italy, I was afraid to be wrong and I was also in need of air, because he’s so handsome… He would get the hottest lecturer from IBEB award from me for sure hahaha. I hope I didn’t come off as a money hungry person. I want to somehow be on top of my holding – it’s not somehow since I have a strategy for it and I mailed you and my B about it – (if it were public), because I for someone who solely lives off investing, cashing out at the right moment is more important than the endeavor. I don’t want that mentality in my empire.] I just don’t have a good nickname for you yet…], I would make the heads of internal (Lorenzo) and external (Sander) finance. “Fisci” (“Fiscussen”), thus, since privatized shit will be reversed in such a way that we can restore nature’s balance, in the context of resources and ecology. But for ecology, the head of that position will be someone else, again. 

I have not spoken any Graeynis about my plans yet. Not via e-mail, not in person, et cetera. Not even via The Head Cuddle, since the brain damage and muscle stiffness I got from those fucking antipsychotics (infertility, too, godverdomme), makes it harder for me to decipher the movement of my skull. I can’t reach them, because of Graeyniss reasons ๐Ÿ™ . What’s our way around them…?  

After I finished reading yesterday’s post, my Nintendo was empty, so while t was getting charged to go on, I started to write. I’m going to play one round and then go to sleep… 02:00 AM will be my bed time. I hope yours is at a healthy time! 

Good night again xxx


12:35 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

I pray your Christmas is merry. 

I just finished my yesterday’s left overs for breakfast and expanded the 00:43 AM text. 

Why does this lay open? (Rethorical question…) Are you trying to tell me something, mother? It’s even better… It should be “Met Trump in het zweethok” and I can’t wait… To get there and end the waste of time bullshit gossip scheme within international media. Let’s all stop talking and start doing things. 

 Other reforms I would like to propose are:

  • I will be Sinterklaas from now on. The story will be: “Zwarte piet wanted a new leader for very long, but they were suppressed and unheard. Lil Fangs succeeded Sinterklaas and freed all zwarte pieten. They now do not have to slave anymore… Dress up how you want to โ™ฅ. (And don’t let anyone influence you in your choice of clothing! Your own choice is the most beautiful!โ™ฅโ™ฅ)”. And I will really be giving children with shitty parents gifts, once I become a millionaire. We’ll be singing, dancing and playing non-computerized games all day. No more school!!! (Not in the way is exists now.) Voting rights for children!!!
  • Instead of giving people money for welfare, I think it’s better to give them the resources they should be purchasing from that welfare and maybe a little pocket money, but this to make sure that it doesn’t end up in the illegal financial circuit and/or is spent incorrectly [for example to make sure that someone doesn’t spend it on a new pair of Jordans, instead of keeping aside enough for daily diapers]. 

There are many more, but I want to keep my unique strategy to myself, because people can steal it and I want to be the one writing history. 

I’ll be taking my plate to the kicthen and binge eating fruit. I’m drinking gold tea ๐Ÿ™‚

My favorite flavors [haha I usually write flavour… A residu from being taught British English ๐Ÿ™‚ ] of tea are: gold, jasmine, orange, rooibos, strawberry, earl grey, ginger and chamomile. 


13:25 (01:25 PM) 

We’re going out for dinner today, at Van der Valk in the region of Utrecht. (Utrecht, because at first it was looking like I was going to stay in Amsterdam and Utrecht is sort of in between Rotterdam/Capelle and Amsterdam, so it would have been practical, I’ve been told.)

Oh, by the way, when I was reading back my post from yesterday, I saw my BSN (personal identification number) is on that letter. They say you should keep it a secret. I want a new BSN anyway, since I’ve been treated in a way that is against the law by those who have access to it, and now my records do not resemble who I am. Also, HR needed my BSN again… Well, now you have it? 

If someone does crazy shit with my BSN, I’ll know who not to allow into my independent system ๐Ÿ™‚ . This is bait ๐Ÿ™‚ .

A Christmas tradition, isn’t it? (I’m joking) 

That fietsatlas belongs in a museum, hehe. Haha meoow I’m the perfect temp, please give me somethinggg. (Before elaborate and free online dictionaries, that dictionary was my Bible, when I was a younger…)


14:04 (02:04 PM) 

What to do…? I’m quite tired, which is why the proposal on my business website is unfinished and I haven’t made the 2019’s reform article on yet. Articles like that cost far more brainpower than just writing down whatever comes to mind. The reform thing should be finished before I insert the donation thingy on this website. You’ll support me, right? ๐Ÿ™ I will never ask anyone who has ever called me a schizophrenic and/or “een wereldverbeteraar” who will never succeed, for support. 99% of the people I “know”… They can suck it ๐Ÿ™‚ . I want to show that I can make it and am better off without them. 

I want to be a bed petje… I’m going upstairs and undress for bed.


14:44 (02:44 PM) 

I’m petting ๐Ÿ™‚

Cuddle me? ๐Ÿ™

The most strategic part of my writing today, is that chances are high today’s web traffic is more than usual [It’s an off day (almost) world wide and besides the sentiment of togetherness and stuff around the holidays, it’s often still just gazing at screens [Netflix and/or “cable” television, as always] and shallow conversations. I’m here for you, person with a brain. I love you and I’ll entertain you with my written words all day long.] and even after the holidays, people might want to read back and see what I was doing on Christmas. [To summarize answer to that. To me, it’s: “Same shit, different day.”] And today I’m writing down parts of my aspirations as a politician – which I’m not yet – so that means that chances are higher that more people will read about it, because today is a popular holiday ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


15:13 (03:13 PM) 

How I would brand Lil Fangs for President

I have so many ideas for it, I don’t know where to start writing about it ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

I want to show you a good balance between my plans for serious global change and intellectual entertainment. For the sake of entertainment and symbolism, the way I would stylize myself is in a “Cleopatra, meets 16th century western queen, meets free slave, meets the future and supernatural traits” kind of way. Lil Fangs’s way of clothing is very “dramatic”. [For example, the sleep (I don’t know how to say that in English, but the part of my cape that drags over the ground) of the cape I wear over my dress should be huge, as well as my collar.] My Graeynissis will be perfectly adapted to it. 

For everything I want to tackle, there will be a satiric sketch, starring Lil Fangs. [Even the masses could understand it, then. And finally entertainment will be entertaining for me and you, too.] I would like to release them as advertisement videos. Both online and analog. I don’t want to give away spoilers of the videos… I want to surprise you ๐Ÿ˜€


15:38 (03:38 PM)  

HAHA I just saw that this post’s title was called “Deember 25”. I type without autocorrect and without my glasses, I can’t see those kind of details in the text. Haha sorry… It’s all throughout my posts as well. For the amount of text I write, I assume it’s easily forgiven. 

I just have been called from the other room to leave my bed. I’m going to take a shower and get ready xxx 


15:56 (03:56 PM) 

Saw this right after leaving the shower. 

Beetje jammer…

I’m still in the “right after leaving the shower” momentum


16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Meet Christmas Fangs:

Had to close the door of my kast to make my room seem a little less messy… Haha I’m always sweaty shout out to my aortic insufficiency

I wanted to make an indirect booty pic, but my basketball figure izznomore (feel like a body builder who quit) plus room is messaayy… Haha there’s my first “spaarvarken” I got from the ABN Amro when I was a very little little Fangs. It’s that Efteling guy… Not the papier hier guy but the other one [haha I’ve been to the Efteling twice in my entire life… Once when I was a baby [I’ve heard] and once when I was 16, for the school’s jubilee. As a kid, I always wanted to go, though…]… The type of savings account I have there doesn’t even exist anymore today haha

The purse I carried with me for two proms in a row will be my companion tonight. I don’t have earrings ๐Ÿ™ . Okay I have a few Primark ones, but I’m so past that now… 

Ah meow… 

Haha I want to tell you something about my political philosophy, but it’s a long story and it won’t be long until I can’t stop hiding in my room anymore. I prefer writing without stopping and uploading the text right after I’m done – to prevent data loss – so I’ll wait until we’re in the car. 

On the stats: ben best wel pissig ivm alle moeite die ik doe… My conversion rate is echt om te janken. Wat voor fucking betrokkenheid? Mensen staren alleen maar… ๐Ÿ™ 

Mobiele data is echt fucking duur trouwens… Waarom? Is het zo duur…

Haha forever in contact maaahn


17:57 (05:57 PM) 

Yess so on my political philosophy: some aspects of it stem from the pressing issues of our time. The most pressing one for me personally and for many other Nederlanders, is the environmental danger that comes with living in a country that is a country, solely because of the existence of the waterworks. 

If they wouldn’t be there, the city I live in would be ocean.  The issues the media portrays as the most serious of our time, are a complete distraction from the danger we live in. [It’s very fucked up that people die from bombings and other stuff with a very vague motive, but explaining the details and then naming how many people died is not solving the problem. It’s also not healthy for those who are mourning (that the cause is the media itself, but they’re lying about it) and not for me either, because it gives me palpitations and makes me want to attack media people for keeping up the same nonsense cycle. The whole business behind that industry should not exist. Just now, there was a news flash about it on the car radio. That something happened in the ministry of foreign affairs in Greece. Why is that a reason for a Dutch news flash? Especially the: “We don’t know who caused the bombing, but it’s probably the Islamic State.” What the fuck? It’s probably you, motherfucker [the news reporter… This is a literary form of exclamatio I use… It’s not literally the reporter. It’s everyone involved in the media/war industry]. You’re the one earning from it. If there weren’t people dying for vague reasons, you wouldn’t have a job. On my life, I swear that when I seize power, it will not be possible anymore to earn from such inhumane things. Fucking demons… Bombs are also soooo fucking bad for the environment so why THE FUCK are people making them? ]

I’ve been alive for 22 years (don’t ask me how) and to this day, no one has ever proposed a solution to the serious problem that is the fundament of this country I live in (The Netherlands (= “Dutch”)). So now that I have a solution in mind, I don’t want to hear anyone claim that they have the right to be involved in that solution. You’ve had 22 years to come up with a better alternative, and in my solution, unfortunately, there’s no room for the entire world population. 

Because when the imbalance in nature, makes the ocean claim a piece of land on which more than 10 million people live [because en indicate that not all of the country will flood. The government knows, eh, and clearly they don’t give a fuck. I’m trying to save people here, as soon as possible], the government’s education has taught us “All go inside and close your doors and windows”, while there should be an evacuation plan beforehand. But this land is already far overpopulated and that evacuation plan shouldn’t mean overpopulating other overpopulated areas of the world. So that’s why my strategy is the way it is, attempting to give everyone an equal shot at the future, but you’ll have to put effort in it and if you want to hate on my strategy, you can fuck off and save yourself. 


I’ll be socializing Christmassily. To be continued xxxx


19:05 (07:05 PM) 

Am I amused? HAHA

Yung Fangz is doing thiss ayy

So my table conversation starter was: “Wat gaan jullie kiezen?” And now I’m out of things to say. Haha I was in Germany, unwelcome in my own home, and now I’m here. Such turbulence, much headache. 

I wonder if my sister would like to be my assistant. But I’m hesitant with asking, for now, since it’s not definitive, that I’ll be doing this. Suicide is also still a fucking option, if I can’t get people to work along. You’ve seen the medical report. Know I’m not fucking joking. I’m not going to do any proletarian slave shit. Unless it’s working for my Vicje, because he’s sooo Cuddle omggg โ™ฅโ™ฅโ™ฅ


20:56 (08:56 PM) 

Excuse my fit of suicidal thoughts… I’m just lonely because I don’t fit in with the masses, and the masses don’t seem to like me ๐Ÿ™ . But my real life appearance indicates something else. I act “happy” or at least “contempt” all of the time, because I don’t want to end up in a psychiatric ward again. I’m crazy traumatized. Even after my suicide attempt, they just kept focusing on the situation with my B, while it was none of their business. 

I’m online, because I’m excorting my grandmother with dementia to the bathroom. I’m waiting for her here. 

That’s her pretty pursee

Here are some pictures I took earlier:



Toilet picca. It has been a very long while since I did a touch up. As in I usually don’t take my make-up with me.

The CuddleFace… When I think of you…


Rare 😻

For my Android users: I have a self-coded conversation starter app. Uploaded it somewhere in the beginning of 2017. I was working on a version for Apple, too, but the virtual Mac I was using was so slow that it was frustrating to work on it, and then I got involved in the psychiatric industry and I never finished it ๐Ÿ™



23:19 (11:19 PM) 

Petty is backk  

My eyes are red because of sleep deprivation and concealer that gets into my eyes when I blink

Where were we…? I market my content on mainstream social media, because it’s cheap and my budget is not high at all, while for my real target audience, I need a crazy high marketing budget. For what I want to do, I should be advertising in The Economist and Het Financieele Dagblad and stuff. 

That it’s Christmas, doesn’t change the contents of my mind. We can all act as if our issues are not there, solely because it’s the end of December, but in that way it will never be solved. 

In my environment, it’s very normal to say that improving the world is impossible and that perfection doesn’t exist. If you believe that, then it is indeed impossible. But that I believe the exact opposite, doesn’t mean that I have fucking schizophrenia? What the fuck? I assume that those who don’t believe in it then also won’t mind staying subjected to this system, instead of to mine. 

When I started to write about my evacuation strategy, my plans for societal reform and the recruitment, I feared being compared to Adolph Hitler, because that will make the masses hate me. But I shouldn’t give a fuck about what people think of me – especially because actually they depend on me – and I can’t even deny that there are some similarities in our philosophies. 

I, too, find that is time for serious international change, the ratio between the amount of living space and the size of the population is far too low – but yes, some people whose whole life’s purpose is sitting in front of the TV [and then saying that change is impossible haha whattt], will disagree – and I find that those who are more loving, more intelligent and more ambitious, should have a higher chance of surviving “nature’s revenge”.

The version of me before my parents “calling the psychiatrists on me” would have never called it “nature’s revenge”. Then I really believed that I could save everyone and everyone would be on my side. But when I went missing [in an attempt to commit suicide, about which no one knew], dumb proletarians considered my career “over” and there where they usually said “Yes, you must be right. (Keep in touch with me so that I can lift along on your success.)”, they now use their TV knowledge to debunk every slight bit of hope I have and often say: “Oh, stop that, Dominique. You have tried it and you didn’t succeed.” (But I still haven’t even started yet…) Tell me why the fuck I should save that person? That’s a fucking waste of time, energy and (cognitive) resources.

The world seems peaceful here, because everyone here can go to work every day, without shit happening. We’re all so used to our routine, that it seems as if we can go on like this forever. But the amount of resources on this planet are not infinite. The fact that the threat of the Netherlands flooding exist – in the past (decades ago), it has happend several times already – means that nature is trying to correct for its imbalance. This is a piece of land that shouldn’t exist, and from it, there’s an insane amount of pollution being put into the air every day. That can not go on forever, right? What the politicians are doing here, is named afschuiving. Passing on the problem to the next generation. And all my generation knows is Netflix and social media trends…

By the way, it sounds as if my ideas for clothing design are expensive, but actually they aren’t. It would be expensive if I would hire an entire team to come up with the design and work it out, et cetera. I want to do everything myself, for as far that that’s possible. 

By the way, I’ve been considering deleting all of my social media again… Please tell me I don’t need social media marketing to be successful. I want to not see that disgusting fake culture of mindless sheepy trends anymore… ๐Ÿ™

Do you know what is also an unnecessary form of damaging the environment? Lighting fireworks throughout the whole country on the same day. People are already starting with their fireworks shit here, in proletaria (pun). It’s illegal right now, but some sheep find that exciting. The sound of it, so close to where I sleep, gives me palpitations. And the feeling of wanting to fang that person… 

There’s a whole policy for it, people barely stick to. And then the next day, on the news, they give the stats on how many people’s hands were blown off and shit… That kind of shit won’t exist on Planet Fang for sure.

I miss my Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™ โ™ฅ

I’m going to rid my bowels of the first Christmas dinner, get a snack and make myself some tea xxx

This piece of text was finished and uploaded on 00:44 (12:44 AM) December 26. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, December 24, 2018

00:10 (AM) 
From the way I don’t show my emotions on my face, I know I’m perfect for politics. The way I express myself in real life and here are so different. This is not real life. This is on the internet. 

“Yahaaay”. Haha het is maar voor de vorm. Idk why I made this picture

Haha I feel a bit un-cuddle for being on my phone all of the time here. I don’t know what to talk about in real life. All I can think about, currently 

But hey this Graeyniss situation is very serious. I want to have an occupation that forces me to be with my Graeynissis 24/7. I’m done with small talk. Let’s talk about some Graey niss? Yess I’ll explain to you what it is in person, that will be a lot clearer. I would like a hug and a Cishe (on the face cheek) in exchange ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


00:42 (AM) 

By that last sentence I meant that I just want some friendly exchange of love. Don’t worry about how to approach me. Just do it and tell me exactly everything you think and feel. I have an extreme love deficit that decreases when someone shows me his/her real self. You know, what’s underneath the faรงade. Some people don’t have a faรงade. 


01:37 (AM) 

I just sinned and bought a glass of Hennessy… I want to stick to one, but three is one of my lucky numbers… Seven is the other… But I don’t want to start doing crazy shit and let my underlying emotions surface… They’re actually bed pet emotions… 

My battery is on 3% so I might be “expressionless” for a while. I feel naked without being able to write yo… That is something very negative, I guess. I’d rather… 


03:03 (AM) 

We have leftt. It became three… And it was shared. One was double. It was fun ๐Ÿ™‚ . I wish I could hype to today’s popular songs the way other girls do. Haha I’m preparing myself for this dance-off. The story I have in mind says he wins :p. And then the next challenge follows… 


04:34 (AM) 

I just finished my late night Maccie and am going to sleep. When I wake up, I’d like to touch on my love feelings (“old” and new), my aspirations in (non-)politics, the new book, the situation with my family and probably other things as well. 

Good night, my Cuddle 

I love you โ™ฅ

– xxx –

12:19 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ 

How’s your pre-Christmas eve hype? I wish I was there getting hyped with you. I’m still bed petting [imagine us bed petting together 😻😻😻], while the sound of my stomach indicates that I should sprint to the kitchen.  

There are some ideas I want to share with you and things I want to make clear. Since my idea of accomplishing my endeavor via politics is quite new – in the sense that when I was in school, I loved the subject Maatschappijleer (not the racist sentiment of the teacher), but I always said that I won’t make it, because I don’t have the network for it and stuff [but now I’ll try to do it via money] – there are still a lot of things I need to scour the internet for, things on which I still need to choose a side – but I always often “fluctuate” – and Graeynissis I need to claim. 

To fund my party, I need hella stacks [of money], a notaris and (another…) KvK registration. And party members, of course hahahaha. But what I said yesterday about kopzorgen (who to take into consideration), made me think the following: maybe it’s better for me to do a subtle staatsgreep (coup) [chaos free for sure, because I ain’t got time for that lol], and then make the public choose whether they live under the amazing system that is here already, or the new and very alternative regime of Den Fang Partij. Ooh fleh, Partij is een vrouwelijk woord, dus via het officiรซle systeem der ouden Neerlandsche naamvallen, is het gewoon De Fang Partij. Maar dat klinkt zo saai… Der Fang Partij klinkt eigenlijk het coolst. Dan is het gewoon Der Fang omdat Fang in NederCuddle met Der begint… Muhahahaaa… 

Maar dat referendum dat dan volgt van die staatsgreep – gepleegd door intellectuelen die meer dan alleen politiek hebben bestudeerd (want gestudeerd vind ik tijdverspilling, omdat het vak politiek als het ware alleen maar de olie van de motor is [en het is nu echt droge kut olie]) – leidt tot een vreedzame optie waarbij we in ieder geval meer voorbereid zijn op eventuele nieuwe extreme natuursomstandigheden. Niet iedereen zal dit lezen, waarschijnlijk, en ik wil in mijn officiรซle partijprogramma heel transparant zijn, dus hoe minder, hoe makkelijker. Natuurlijk wil ik zo veel mogelijk mensen helpen, maar houd er rekening mee dat Nederland al zwaar overbevolkt is en dat ik op Planet Fang niet veel appartementencomplexen wil neerzetten. Those of my class who I save, will live a much more sophisticated life. I’m not only targeting my class. Not even only “my country”. 

With Der Fang Partij, I want to make it to the European Union. I even want to make it to the US. And Russia… Basically every country anywhere. Not to overthrow anything – not in the US and Russia for sure(!) – but to just give some love and brainpower for the international change we all need. 

I think my book should not be free, since I can’t even afford a home for myself (and the authoritarian guard dog of a posessive house owner, whose house I’m registered in, because I was born in that family, does not always allow me to access my own room… Grrrrr…. To Surinamese people that cold hearted treatment is so logical. I wonder if that’s the same for other countries as… well… 

Hey… Ha-haaa… I just mentioned Suriname and a coup in the same post. That reminds me… Please [unless you want to keep the Christmas spirit HAHAHA] Google “Suriname Decembermoorden” (that’s “December murders”). It will lead you to a story about the time around which Suriname – former Dutch colony – became independent. That person who was accused of those murders, is today’s president of Suriname. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know how people can think: “Oh yeah. Good guy. Must vote for him.” The often used justification is that by those murders, he made a change [oh my god the fucking stupidity] in the country, and they want more change, so he should be in power, just giving random people fucking crazy amounts of money. 

I will need serious protection after this, because they will get me killed without even hesitating – vooral omdat ik een kanker hekel heb aan “tori praten” [talking about the most shallow shit ever… It’s basically a script of oneliners, of which one topic can very quickly last for hours] – but in the context of very fruitful, barely cultivated land [it’s probably used as storage space for drugs or something], it’s so perfect for Planet Fang 😻. I would make my grandfather so proud… 

I would clean the ocean, strip that tiny layer of cultivated shit off it, because it’s the most unhealthy and disgusting shit ever, and we could live off the abundance of nature with so much ease… 

Okay that was random. Especially because that country is sooo thinly populated, but still sooo large. And they’re only helping it to shit, while it could flourish and thrive WITH ALMOST NO EFFORT MAN, SERIOUSLY. Fucking dumb people… The work ethic there is mostly less than nothing. But the money ethic is a completely different story. I’m against weapons, but I doubt if negotiating with Suriname will be possible. 

On my love feelings: I mentioned that I’m very easily attracted to grey haired men in suits. It’s actually any type of men who aspires to “live the suit life”. And any type of women who aspires the same thing. 

But these two literal Graeynissis… In my fantasy, we’re now basically a married threesome… Ah meoow they’re so
Cuddle 😻. We would look soooo sexy in politics meoow. Especially if we do it the coup way. (I need to think of Vicje every time I say “the (…) way”. Haha not funny shared inside joke. I want a Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ . As in a hug. Ohh on the no children: I meant no extra ones from me. I know you have three… Haha my fantasyyy.)

So if Suriname wants change, I can make that change. The Netherlands want change, too. I’m on it. I hope by change you don’t literally mean getting more money for the same fictive value you put into this world. Those who say that they want change, often have no clue what they exactly want. How I know? Because I always ask and then get shit argumentation – TV citations – as a response. I know what I want. (And there are multiple long ways to getting there.)

I want better branding for Lil Fangs for President. I want to do photoshoots for it, make a promotion miniseries, and an EP that comes with it. Guest authors for the book – my Graeynissis – would be sooo fuuuucking amazing, too. I’ll make the donation thingy as soon as I get home. I want to direct it myself. I don’t want it to look like today’s mainstream shit.

Oh another thing about love feelings I already wanted to mention on here yesterday, but then thought that it’s not the right thing to do now that I was third wheeling… I’ve never mentioned this before. He doesn’t even know it himself. The first time I saw Elgin – he has been Jamiro’s friend via school and living location (basically neighbors) – I fell in love with him instantly. It was when Jamiro took him along, the first timw we went to Italy, together with our families.

I’m not a flirty type of person in real life. (But when I had a boyfriend, I did develop that ability a little bit.) I also detest the routinous relationships people build up these days. By means of protecting my heart, I stay away from that love culture.

But did you know that Jamiro was my first crush? (Haha no because literally no one knows this, because it feels weird, now that everyone calls us family.) I “developed attraction” on such a young age. I remember that I used to be so crazy horny all of the time, as a kid. The “I can’t sleep without masturbation” thingy has been a thing, since I was 6, if not younger.

It’s funny that once I have feelings for someone, they ne-ver fade. I also miss sex with my ex. But the way he doesn’t believe in me and calls me dumb, makes me prefer to never see him again. Bitch. I still want my notebook back,though, but I don’t want to undergo another conversation that causes palpitations and heartache.

When it comes to being in a loving relationship, I find verbal courtship sooooooooooo important. And showing love in e-ve-ry single action. People like that are almost extinct. I was glad to hear that Elgin is an exception, when his girlfriend told me that he has still kept that neon bracelet from one of the first parties they went to. Before they were dating? [And then “I told him that I had already trashed mine haha, but it was really nice.” A small statement like that – the trashing – would give me heartache and palpitations. Because it could have been left out. Now it sounds unloving.]

I’m such a hopeless polyamorist. Basically polygaam. I don’t mind getting married at this age. What else is there left to do in life anyway, now that I basically want to say fuck school – I would fully change the education system to something less sheepy and more practical – and fuck slaving behind a desk. [Unless my sexy meow has a job for me. Am I allowes to fall in love with you? Because I already did. Oops *blushes* Hehehehehehe ๐Ÿ˜€ ]

It’s 13:55… I’m going to brush my teeth and eat something. Brushing my teeth now, means that that little residu of tooth paste that doesn’t go out after spitting, will be considered food, by my body, and that shit makes me sick, too. My mucus is fucking yellow by the way. Fucking much, too. Ah meow, but since I’ve heard of “het zorgplafond” even for cancer patients, I’m so fucking done with this. Why was Den Uyl’s measure good? I just think his branding was good. I’m pro state businesses, because than the endeavor is more important than the money. Planet Fang (D.O.C.I.S. International) will own everything. There will be no more room for money hungry animals.

14:27 (02:27 PM)

I can’t wait until we’re regularly drinking tea together โ™ฅ. You’re my baby now… Just like D.O.C.I.S. International is my baby ๐Ÿ™‚ . And just like Elia PR was :'( . It was unsubscribed December 31, 2017 :'(. Ah, g’dammit, I still need to file that tax report thing… But I barely kept my books, because I was only doing business expenses from my personal account…

My family is in Brussels now, because they had tickets to my cousin’s performance there. Had I told you she was in Mariah Carey’s choir in the Ziggo Dome recently? No I didn’t. I found out afterwards myself, when my mother visited me in Amsterdam last Saturday. 

Do you understand why I’m truthfully not excited about going home at all? I hope you do. If you don’t that’s fine, but don’t force your shitty populist argumentation on me, because you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

It’s hilarious how yesterday, we spoke about me going home, and we concluded that the best thing was to then – even though I wouldn’t give a fuck if we would split up for good – talk things through before I move back in. I just want to be certain that I don’t get kicked out over FUCKING BULLSHIT, because it FUCKING DISTRACTS ME FROM MY WORK. EVERY FUCKING TIME. AARGHHH I NEED MY OWN HOUSE. But I want to live far far far far far away from the beasty masses, and that is expensive. And then they proposed to be the mediator, instead of that psychiatrist and his assistant who refused to show me the notes she made about me, which will be put into my fucking record. [It’s all fucking bullshit for sure, otherwise she would have fucking shown her my notes. I have audio taped this. Of this, I do luckily still have a copy on my phone. But the rest was on my hard drive, which was stolen ๐Ÿ™ .] 

So then the most logical thing would be to have the mediator situation thing on the first encounter, which is today. But then it was all like noo Christmas should just be gezellig (“fun”), so let’s just do that after the holidays. I think I want to die, man. Fuck Christmas. Wat een tyfusfeest, zeg. I’m not the god damn house owner, so for them it’s comfortable, and for me it’s an absolute hell, and of course they do not give a fuck. Domme kut apen. 

Hey, I’m going home for Christmas, so don’t tell me I’m not doing Christmas spirit shit. Dumb populist motherfuckers.

So they’re coming back from Brussels later today. I hope I can be there before they come home. Then I have some space and place to myself, in “my own space”, where I’ve lived since I was 8… Haha I don’t even want to be there, man. Benoรฎt, Victor, alsjeblieeeeeeeeftttttt……… This – what they’re doing to me – should be fucking illegal. Godnondeju.  

I’m going to take a shower and pack.


16:48 (04:48 PM) 

I’m waiting for the train. I’m only carrying a selection of my valuables with me, since I’m going back to Amsterdam. Most of my very precious notebooks are there, in my suitcase, which is also still there.*

Wanna see what I got from my parents for last year’s Christmas? Here it is:

This is one of many

They did not stick to it

Beetje jammer

The funniest thing ever is that it says “risperidon” as if that was all. It was also quetiapine, haldol, abilify, fluanxol and the list goes on. It says “voluntary”, but I wasn’t allowed to leave, no matter how often I begged. Hey, tyfus arts, your name is now visible on my website. Please sue me for it. I’ll fucking win the case. Even though I said “fucking” and “tyfus”, amongst other things.  I was unfairly stuck in that system from April 2017 until I ran away to the US, and now they’re continuing their fucking bullshit via family therapy sessions, on my name. It’s insurance fraud. It’s emotional fraud. I want to make sure that they won’t vote for me. 

* I hope my shit will be untouched and intact when I come back. Surinamese people say they can do whatever they want to do with the shit on their property, when it’s on their property. That’s why my father believes that he can touch me how and whenever he wants. Wat een lul zeg. 

Ah when I went to that basketball event, I looked for my earplugs everywhere, but couldn’t find them. When I came back, they were on the table. What the fuck? One earpiece doesn’t work anymore? They’re the original HTC earplugs that came with my phone – with Active Noise Cancellation. It’s almost mission impossible to get new ones, in this country ๐Ÿ™ . 

Meanwhile, it’s 17:01 and I’m in the train now. Haha godver, I got in too early again. There was no time sign, but my train actually comes at 17:07. I’ll travel via Utrecht Centraal then. Sorry but reading that shit again MAKES ME SO FUCKING TRIGGERED FAM I SWEAAAARRR. BUT THEN I HOLD IT IN. THE PRESSURE IS SO INTENSE THAT IT MAKES MY EYES MOVE WEIRDLY. 

Voel me net een pakezel, but I prefer to travel alone, or with a Graeyniss.

Know that I still smoked weed when I was in the hospital, but I lied to them about it, otherwise I would have still been there today HAHA. The doctor’s report says that my plans of improving the world are also psychotic complaints. Ga fucking zwembandjes kopen joh tyfushoer. Lotte something, D. Schippers, S. Dieleman and some other “medical experts” (fucking kwakzalvers) were involved in it as well. They considered me dumb and vague, because they couldn’t understand that I was there on a voluntary basis, only because I want them to FUCKING DELETE MY FILE. HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE??? I. WANT. FUCKING. JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THE LEGAL WAY, OF COURSE. NO ONE HAS TO DIE. ME NEITHER, RIGHT? I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE. 



17:26 (05:26 PM) 

I’m waiting for my train to Rotterdam now. 

And now I’m in it. 

This is why those doctors should lose their right to be a doctor [with an aortic insufficiency they should not have forced me to take antipsychotics]:

AND IF IT TURNS OUT I HAVE CANCER… OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!! I wish doctor Cuddle [I’ve never called him that in person haha… Mister name on the left who is now also fully mentioned on my website โ™ฅ] lived closer to me. I call him that, because I find him a very sweet man. I’ve actually really given him a hug, at the end of my last two visits to him.

As a politician, I can tell you my very unique thoughts, which are sometimes ferocious. Such as that I don’t like 99% of the people in my social life. As long as I can back up my statements, there’s nothing wrong with this. No one can argue better than I do, truthfully. I can literally give you 100 arguments as to why my father is een kanker aap. 

I mentioned that I don’t want them [those psychiatrists and 99% of my relatives and other people in my “social network”] to die. I find it a waste of energy and it’s against the law. In the context of overpopulation, these people are all fucking useless. I would not miss them. But of course, others would. They have the right to exist. Who would miss who? I miss Benoรฎt, Victor, Lorenzo and Sander. And people I haven’t even met yet. My Cuddles ๐Ÿ™ โ™ฅ .


18:10 (06:10 PM) 

I thought I would never see this city again. I’m almost home. I’m about to check out. 

Now leaving the metro station, 18:12. 

I just finished 180 Days of Fangs

I swear the air tastes like car fumes. 


18:35 (06:37 PM) 

“Honey, I’m home.” They’re not back yet. I want to show you something:

How I act

How I feel

A mashup HAHAHA

I don’t want to be hereee. Where are my Graeynissis right now?  ๐Ÿ™ Haha I wish you would save me, by absorbing me into your life. That would make me so happy. I’m now a sad pet ๐Ÿ™ . Sad and angry haha ๐Ÿ˜€ .

180 Days of Fangs is now really finished, by the way. I still added some text here and there. It could have been far more detailed, but the more I write about it, the more I want to die, really.

My heart hurts so much, and I feel so unsafe around proletarians, I don’t know what to do, think or write at the moment.

I’m scared of going to my room… The flash backs :'( . May I please marry this single Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ™ Or live with him, at least.

20:45 (08:45 PM)

Haha remember when I went to Ikea to search for a suitable mattress? That’s basically where I was, in my life in this city HAHA. And now I want to enter politics… I want rich people to vote for me ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll be doing the exact opposite usual people of politics do, to end up in the same spot they are, to do things completely differently :D. The first thing I’ll attack is the financial system, to something that is in balance with nature’s capacities.

My mother asked me to go with her to the night shop, which is why I was silent in between my last update and now. All supermarkets are closed right now.

Over hoe minder, hoe beter. Het is eigenlijk: hoe minder, hoe efficiรซnter. Wat is belangrijker, de hoeveelheid mensen die je helpt [dus hun werk voor hen doen], of zorgen dat de imbalans in de natuur ons niet vermoordt en daarbij de kwaliteit van het leven nog steeds proberen te verbeteren? Precies, de keuze is snel gemaakt.

For the first day of Christmas, I have a red dress (of which you see a sleeve on one of the pictures) and for the second day, I have a black one, because that’s my second nicest dress – I also wore to that borrel [“drink” as a translation of this, doesn’t suffice, I think. Borrels are most often business related, drinks not necessarily] in the Summer – and I actually fucking hate Christmas. I miss my grandfather and since last year’s Christmas, I’ve just been so double traumatized….

I’m going to take a nap xxx


21:11 (09:11 PM) 

I’m tired, but I can’t find the calm to fall asleep. Besides the u-shape my spinal column makes from this shit quality matress on the โ‚ฌ100 bed I sleep on, it also feels as if the Earth is shaking very subtly, in an underlying water waves kind of way. That’s probably the case, since the neighborhood I live in is one of the, when it comes to waterworks and nature, unsafest locations in all of the Netherlands. 

I also have only eaten some soup, two slices of bread, a mandarine and some blocks of semi-delicacy cheeses, so I’m quite hungry… 

A few times, it has crossed my mind that I should mail my Graeyniss again, to tell him that I am now considering to do do things via the political system instead of via independent business, since I mentioned in that mail that I’m not a political movement [as a response to something discussed in the past]. I’m actually still not a movement. I’m going to do things, instead of fucking just talk about it. Okay, now I’m still broke, so I have no other option besides talking about my plans, since I can’t put them into practice yet. Haha meoow I have nicknames for him and stuff, in my mind, but in real life, I’ve only exchanged words with him twice at a borrel and low key creeped on him when I was working for him and he was on the same floor.

Oh, yes, the donation thingy… I’m too mentally tired for it and, even worse, too worried about not receiving any support, just like I had with my books. I want to bed pet and kill zombies on my Nintendo Switch…

Why I took those pictures of medical report’s summaries? Because I want to make sure that I have a back-up. I took them with me, to Germany, because they’re part of “my valuables”, in the sense that I might need them once, for another doctor or for my lawyer. But I left them in Amsterdam, along with most of my clothes and a few of the many valuable things, because I prefer to travel light and I’m going back there from New Year’s onwards. I’ll go back to Amsterdam on the 30th, after my sister’s party that day, to which the family friends are coming as well. Everyone’s going out and stuff. I want to be all alone for New Year’s. I do not want to be smiling with those who have shared that Facebook lie and then called me a schizophrenic afterwards.  

23:12 (11:12 PM) 

Dinner made by my parents was very delightful:

Rib-eye steak and mac and cheese ๐Ÿ™‚ . Very good quality meat – beyond good – for Dutch standards.  

Here’s the present I got, when I was trapped in the ward, but I was allowed to go home for Christmas, with an 9 PM curfew on the 26th:

Meow haha

Then, I wasn’t wearing this underneath. The praesens was for the elections of the D.O.C.I.S. International parliament, which didn’t get any attention – because you need to read my books to be able to understand – so there never were elections lol. And now it’s president :D. Or prime minister, actually… But I also want to be First Lady and Putin’s sidekick… Et cetera…

Meoww I’ll be killing zombies on my Nintendo and probably pass out at some point. 

Good night ♥

And like *insert* something you say on Christmas eve / night. I don’t know, because I’m not a Christian/capitalist. Haha but I would wear Christmas lingerie, because fuck Christmas HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂.

I love you haha ♥


Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, December 23, 2018

[I wrote this unfinished piece of post yesterday around 7 PM, but then something happened, and because of that, I still will not finish it. I’ll explain it to you ๐Ÿ™‚ . Between the three dotted lines is the unfinished piece of post.]

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

Excuse my previous madness ๐Ÿ™ . It’s a side effect that comes with my ambition. I hope you still love me. I get so mad, because I love you and I can’t stand that I can’t be with you ๐Ÿ™ .

I had a lot of fun with my mother yesterday. When we were texting a few days before, I told her that I tend to stay away from her, because she can express the way she feels so negatively sometimes, and I want to see and hear her be happy. Hearing her express herself negatively gives me heartache and palpitations.

I feel terrible, too, but when we go out to do something together, it’s better to push those feelings aside, to try to emphasize the good things and to act happier than you are, because then you might end up feeling that way, too. I it worked for the both of us ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

Around 2 o’clock, we took the metro to the city center. (We intended to leave around 1, but I kept snoozing my 10:50 alarm and at some point I accidentally dismissed it, so I woke up at 12:37 and had to rush…)

00:38 (AM)ย 

The reason why I’m so much later than usual with writing a post, was because I was socializing all day. It has been so long since I’ve felt so uplifted. I had conversations with my mother that really felt like it was like in the old days. I loved it. Then, here, at the house of the family friends I’m staying with, too, we were talking a lot. At first a lot about decision making from a parental perspective.

Then, later, somehow, we ended up talking about my business plans. I’ve touched on my business plans with other people before, but it’s so unique that I prefer to keep them to myself, because when it comes to money, some people try to do good with it, and some just want to have the most of it. I believe that because most people on this Earth are very self-preservative, this Earth is such a shit dystopia. I know that with my plans – less than half of them can be found online, because I prefer to memorize it, so that others can’t grow big with it before I do – there’s a lot of money to be made, which is why I prefer to keep them to myself, until I’m certain that I can trust someone.

This was the first time breaking down my full business concept, of which a part originated from the fact that with the natural circumstances in the Netherlands, life can be over at any second, and from people from my class, there are currently no plans of evacuation. That’s why I came up with the recruitment aspect of the organization. Also because space is limited. This quickly led to me being compared to – as I indicated before, in the “if I were to explain and my philosophy gets misinterpreted”-situation I described a few posts back, just type the last name in the search field to find it – Adolf Hitler. Of course, the comparison was a joke, since we’re talking about uncontrollable natural circumstances here.

There was also mentioned that we should raise awareness on that life in this country could be over at any second again, via mainstream media. Everyone learns about it in school, but no one gives a fuck, otherwise I would not be alone in this paranoia about nature ending my life at any second. Primary school is made mandatory by the government. If you wouldn’t attend, there’s a whole police patrol squad that makes sure you will. Everyone has been fully educated about this in geography class.

Raising awareness via mainstream media would cause so much chaos, because no one knows what to do, or doesn’t have the resources and/or capacity to do something useful, with that information. (Remember when I was typing about this in caps lock? It already felt like I was giving away too much.)

I don’t believe in raising awareness through mainstream media, but I do believe in proposing my solution and guiding the recruitment process through mainstream media. Then at least everyone knows and thus the chances will be equal. I find equal opportunities very important. Another thing I find important is usefulness, because it’s important that my island doesn’t go to shit the way this country will, one day. That’s not me destroying it. That’s just god’s work. I didn’t chose to be born here. No one did. (Right?)

The conversation ended with me being proposed to propose the product, service or strategy that will give me that amount of money I need to buy that island I’ll fully own and thus have the full right to decide over. I actually intend it to be bought by the holding, because I don’t want to rule over it all by myself, but because it’s my idea, I do want to own the parliament. Yes, things are arranged differently on Planet Fang.

When it comes to pitching my ideas, I always have trust issues. I guess that’s part of the reason why I still haven’t truly attempted to find an investor. (I’m considering constructing my business in such a way that co-owners will all be married to me, on Planet Fang, where everything is very different. I basically have to, since I’m so in love with these Graeynissis…) But of course I make exceptions for those who are close to me, when they ask.

So now I’ll be pitching “my million dollar strategy” coming Saturday. I love a challenge. [The soon deadline was because I made clear that my way to making it big isn’t a plan for 10 years. Life here can be over at any second and I want to be able to save myself (and other (useful) people). Truthfully, I want to have earned enough to rule over that island – and really truthfully already have that compound – within twelve months. Yes, twelve months. Actually I intended to already have been there by now, but I see I really am forced to do mainstream shit ah ew.] I wonder what it will lead to. I seek passionate investors, who care about the success of the endeavor more than about commas. They’re one of a kind and hard to find… Because of the class I’m stuck in with no money or support, I basically don’t come across them. But sometimes I’m lucky…

When I was having lunch with my mother, and she asked me where I want to live when I’m back at the ANWB full-time, I told her: “Wassenaar.” Yehess that’s not affordable with the salary I’ve earned there. I don’t intend to grow old here. I didn’t even intend to really target the Dutch market – because what’s the point, if it can flood at any second – but I have fallen in love… I showed my mother: “Look at how hot my Graeyniss is,” (those were not my literal words) and she was also like woaaaaah. Ah meoww… Suddenly he’s on my mind so much… I swear omgg… Including the thought of us suddenly giving in to the attraction we feel for each other and kissing… I love the way you grab my ass in my fantasy. Our life is wild and turbulent – like our sex – like a Dutch movie. (The upper class life painted in those movies is so alien to me. It’s so interesting in a sexy way.)

In my correspondence to him I’m indirectly all like oohh noo I look relatively good so people think my intention is to fuck anyone and then especially those with brains and influence, so it’s important that it’s clear that that is fucking bullshit. I’m not a house wife.ย  I want to make a career.

But simultaneously, with the natural circumstances in this country, my survival instinct is going crazy. If I were to be stuck with someone, I swear for me it’s the best to be stuck with someone else who would, like me, say: “If I would survive the flooding of this country, I would seize power.” With my level of intelligence and the circumstances I need to survive in, it doesn’t surprise me that I’m always fucking crazy attracted to tall grey haired men in suits. [HAHA HI THEREEEE ๐Ÿ˜€ ]

For this sexy Graeyniss, I would stay in this country and be a house wife… [Still no children, though, “sorry”….] The house wife part being cooking and setting up my own business, while the regular cycle of life as we now it now – everyone working – continues, until my business is finished and I can finally overthrow the system. People would talk so much shit about us, because we would look twice as hot if we were a couple… Don’t you maybe need a date for some fancy Christmas dinner? Does anyone need a date for a fancy Christmas dinner? I don’t like Christmas, but I love dress-up occasions and any chance to hear some serious Graeyniss conversations. I’d finally be able to be myself…

I’m such a pet cat… I now have two people I call Graeynissis, of whom I’m thinking that it’s possible that they could feel the same way about me as I do about them… I hope you’ll want to share, because now I feel un-cuddle for having feelings for more than one person, and I just want to have you all all to myself and I want you all to know it from each other. I hope I’ll be enough for you in that way, in terms of love (so that you’d be able to settle for my split attention) and that you’ll still feel like you’re my one and only.

On the rest of yesterday: I took my usual types of pictures, thinking of sharing it on here as I explain to you the deatils of my day. But the conversations lasted until very late and I need to get up early today. (It’s probably also not that interesting for you. That’s why it’s all the way down here.)

I had to get fangy and eat some medium-rare meat

I didn’t go here today, but I went there on a school excursion once, and, while usually I’m not a fan of excursions, there’s such interesting meaning in the architecture, art and design of this Paleis op de Dam, so I wanted to tell you this is a must-see

New blush was one of my gifts โ™ฅ

We later went there “for dessert” ๐Ÿ™‚

This is what I selected as a gift for my family friends’ house I currently live in, for underneath the Christmas tree. How do you find my interior design vision?ย  :p

As I walked home, the sky was looking Cuddle

This is the perfume I use and wanted to buy again from my โ‚ฌ150 Christmas budget. But they don’t sell it anywhere anymore?? ๐Ÿ™ So now Lady Million Privรฉ is my new scent. The other one is an Opium eau de toilette by Yves Saint Laurent. There are multiple ones with this name, but this exact one I can’t find anywhere. It was hard to find the first time already…

Now that I feel better – I’ve been so silent for so long, I’m happy to have had some good conversations and events – it’s like my body hurts less as well. It’s probably not a good move, health wise, even though simultaneously exercise is healthy, but I already mentioned to my mother how much I miss it, and then I saw this event for tomorrow, so I could just not not sign up… There’s a little basketball event tomorrow, in the Apollohal, from 12:30 until 14:30. For โ‚ฌ4.50 you can join the poule and play 15 minute games. I’m excited! ๐Ÿ˜€ It has been so long since I played… I miss it so much! It’s too cold to play outside ๐Ÿ™ . So tomorrow I’m going ๐Ÿ˜€ .

It’s now 03:54 and I need to figure out how to make my way there and stuff tomorrow… And be early because teams will be made et cetera. I’m thus going to sleep.

I love you sooooo much

Good night (literally haha) โ™ฅ


10:04 (AM)

Good morning

I just posted this to let you know I’m awake.ย  I’m going to take a shower.

By the way, since I find it more important to succeed in my life goals than to earn, but I do need to earn [soon as fuck… I’ll also need protection soon if people are going to proclaim that I have plans for the evacuation of a hand-picked (by application and recruitment [that used to go via my book projects, in which no one paricipated – I’m mad and might change my genre to something more populist – but will now go via emailing]) group of people and that I still allow people from other countries on that island as citizens as well [I can do that, because these fucked up natural circumstances are not the only reason for me to run this business…. It’s also because the system is absolute shit everywhere in the world and everyone deserves to attempt to an alternative]], I’m thinking of taking some initiative as someone who doesn’t vote and dominate the shit out of these literal political Graeynissis . Oh and the king, too, hehe. By starting a political party or something else via the democratic system I’m subjected to (beetje jammer… [that I’m subjected to it haha]). Know that I consider it my responsibility, as a non-voter. But I find that those who do vote but other than that only complain in front of the television, have that same self-initiative responsibility. I’d call it “The Fang Party”. Ons hoofdstandpunt is “fuck politics” HAHAHA.

I’ll be getting ready. Don’t Judas me in the meantime ๐Ÿ˜€ xxx


11:07 (AM)ย 

HAHA ayyy seriously I have such good ideas for Dutch politics! And for the promotion of The Fang Party (vote for a chance of getting access to all compounds). I’ll make music videos for promotion (Nero style HAHA… This sounds very Hitler-like haha but I swear I’m pro equal survival chances HAHAHAHAH). If I were to seize power, the Netherlands will become part of Planet Fang as well ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m also pro voting rights for everyone, so everyone anywhere in the world will be allowed to vote for the Netherlands. Especially women who are not allowed to vote!!!!ย 

I challenge the Dutch prime minister to a dance battle…. Maak je borst maar nat mattie I’m coming for youuu.

So my donation thing will become: Help Lil Fangs De Tweede Kamer in…. Gotta eat fast and hurry brb xxx


11:46 (AM)ย 

Hey jongens, ik voel een nieuw referendum aankomen… Ick will namelijk graeg den grootsten dele mijnes tijdes in “Hispanje” (maar dan Planet Fang) spendeeren.

I think “Den Fang Partij” is trouwens een betere naam.


For my political economy strategy things… Benoรฎt Crutzen… IK. KIES. JOU!!! *gooit pokรฉball*


11:58 (AM)ย 

Yoo where the fuck are my earplugs :'( . I always lay them next to my bed ๐Ÿ™ . Travelling musicless sucks. My music will be played everywhere. I also have a lot of ideas for the improvement of the quality of television. I want to own 20% of all zendtijd forever for education material from Den Fang Partij.

So there should be one more colony which will be a separate island, for the Netherlands, which will be named Planet Fang if I win. Or if I’ll be able to make so much noise that there will be elections right now.

Of ik links of rechts ben? Ik ben niks mattie. Fuck dat systeem. Ik ben Lil Fangs HAHA.

Yo Rutte… Fuck jouw partij en kom gewoon bij mij ofzo?

Also, I want Vicje, Lorenzo and Sander as active members of my party…


14:10 (02:10 PM)

I’m having a lot of fun ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m trying to get people to join me for my group picture at the end of the event. I’ve already told a few people I want to run for president and that I had that idea this morning. I want to show you I’m a people person ๐Ÿ™‚ . Vote for me ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ


15:07 (03:07 PM)ย 

When I arrived at the basketball event, I saw that I was the only girl there and teams were already made. I didn’t want to take down the pace of the games the guys were playing, so my intention was to practice some by myself for the full two hours, on the free basket.

Then later, Jozef invited me to join his team. They had to leave before the event ended, so we have a separate picture ๐Ÿ™‚ :

The team ๐Ÿ˜€

They’re all from Lebanon, except Rashid next to me, who is from Syria.

When I told them that I want to run for president here, Jozef said: “(Then) you probably don’t want us here.” His response scared me up. The way people are forced to leave their countries is outrageous, and world peace is definitely on the list of things I want to achieve!! Good living circumstances world wide, too. Of course you should be welcome here, since this country is in the top ten of weapon manufacturers. You should be treated like a king here.

Especially because I’m a person of color and I’m used to dumb racist people telling me that “I should go back to my own country” (while the Dutch nationality is my own nationality…) I for sure am not that the type of person who will discriminate people on where they’re from or what their background is. That’s the most ignorant thing people do these days.

My immediate response was: “You shouldn’t want to be here yourself, because there are no plans of evacuation for the people from our class, when this country is threatened by nature, to be flooded. That’s one of the things I want to propose a solution for when I’m elected president.”

Here are all group pictures taken, so you’re free to select your best one ๐Ÿ™‚ [Shout out to the girl with the pink jacket, who made the picture โ™ฅ ] :

Yay 1

Yay 2

Yay 3

Yay 4

Yay 5

Yay 6

Yay 7

If I were to organize a basketball event and ask people โ‚ฌ4.50 for entrance, you’d get a bottle of water and a snack. Lil Fangs for President ayy.

I just came back home. I’ve been joking about my campaign statements and programme, but I have some serious plans and I’ll entirely break them down in the free book I came up with when I was in the tram: Lil Fangs for President. I’ll get started with it today ๐Ÿ™‚ . First, I need to finish my business website and the 180 Days of Fangs article, though. Haha one project at a time…


15:54 (03:54 PM)ย 

Oh yes, why I’m not wearing basketball clothes? Because my basketball clothes and shoes are at home. I decided to look for meetups to join for today, last night, while I’m staying in Amsterdam with my family friends.

At some point I stopped playing team games, today, because my knees and ankles started to hurt. I wasn’t wearing the right shoes… I also suffered from “osgood schlatter” – a force and growth related sports injury – for quite some time, when I used to play for Rotterdam Basketball (the regular club, not eredivisie or something haha).

I then started to practice dribbling and shooting, in a walking pace, with my focus on not looking at the ball while playing. I dribbled with my eyes closed. I can show you that, as a president, I can dribble with my eyes closed, which means that my senses are very good, which shows that I’m a very alert president.


16:55 (04:55 PM)ย 

Ohh I made this picture when I gave myself a water break from practicing jump shots and lay ups and stuff, before I joined the team:

I always focus on my screen, but I guess I should look into the camera, but then I don’t know what my facial expression looks like… I need to practice my charisma more…

Lil Fangs for President will be released in both Dutch and English (the languages I can write in). If anyone wants to translate it to another language, I’ll share it for sure.

I find it important that there’s world wide attention for the situation here, in this country, since the problem here will at some point affect every single country on Earth, and I’m trying to be ahead of it. That’s why my correspondence is currently in English. I don’t know why no one else is doing this, too. Know that I have no patience for people who focus on gossip shit. I’m trying to make a serious change. I’m by the way against reading speeches from paper or a teleprompter…

I will also not be begging for votes. Voting is of course a choice, and if you want to hate on my initiative – while no one else is showing initiative the way I do, on this level – go ahead and please don’t even consider to vote. Then I have less people I’ll have to take into consideration for something that is not my responsibility. I just want to help because I’m able to, but other than that, it’s your life’s task to save yourself.


21:03 (09:03 PM)ย 

I’ve been thinking of going home for Christmas. I mentioned it during dinner. The thing that made it not easy and obvious is that my father has to allow and want me to be home, since he’s the house owner who sets the rules. Eric came with the idea to call him and ask if he finds it okay. After some internal fears, I called. He didn’t pick up. He called me when I was doing number two. When I tried to call back, I got an immediate “call ended” after pressing call, without voice mail. He also texted me to ask if I tried to call him. I said yes. He asked why. I said that it’s because I want to come home for Christmas and my sister’s birthday. (I still want to be all by myself by new year’s. I find one formality enough and do not want to reflect on last year with those who have experienced part of that hell with me.) He said fine, that’s okay and sent some love related smileys. So now I’m going home for Christmas. As a politician to be, I’ll stick to doing populist shit because I want your love ah meoww.

My god I really feel like crying and dying. I wish all of this drama just didn’t exist. Esha texted me at the right moment, asking me if I would like to join her and Elgin (the DJ I mentioned before), because he’s the first performer at a club tonight. I’m tired from playing basketball and stuff, but dancing and being with nice people will make me feel better for sure.

Sorry for not doing the “work related” [I’m not earning from it] things I mentioned today. I hope you still love me. I also hope you’ll save me from the huge task I’ve given myself when it comes to our society, in the sense that I know that’s unhealthy for me to work so much, but I can’t stop…

Also, entering politics sounds very exciting to me, but the thought of that nonsense gossip media… If there’s one thing that deep down just makes me want to ask that person what the fuck he/she is doing with his/her life and emphasize that the questions that are asked by the media 99% of the time are complete fucking nonsense. I hope it won’t give me too many palpitations ๐Ÿ™ .

I intend to stick to water tonight…


23:24 (11:24 PM)ย 

We’re in club Nova. Kendrick Lamar’s Swimming Pools is playing in the background. It’s quite rustig sill. DJ Elli-BS’s set is lit like usual.

I numb down my emotions so heavily when I’m sober, I really want to get intoxicated and feel something, but it’s not good for my health…

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, December 22, 2018

01:11 (AM) 

What’s good, my meow โ™ฅ

I’m loving the look of the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International website. Too bad I probably won’t be able to finish it before going to sleep. My mother will be here tomorrow at one o’clock, so I need to be ready before that time. 

How I feel about it? It’s better if I just casually change the topic of this, because oh my god all of the shit that is happening to me and has been done to me should have been fucking illegal. I don’t live in my own home, eh. 

My options if I don’t hear from my Graeyniss? Absolutely zero. My patience with this proletarian shit? Getting close to numbers below zero. My health? Well, I’m still breathing. Only when I lay down I notice how much I’m in pain. Other than that, it might not seem as if I’m dying – everyone who doesn’t believe that I’m sick can also start purchasing cold-proof swimwear – but know that it is not fucking healthy for me to walk around for months with white blood cells in my urine and an infection that antibiotics don’t change a thing about. But if society stays like this, I’d rather let it kill me. Fuck all of this shit. 

Oh and yess my business website says 6 publications, but there are only 3 on this website. “Christmas special” haha godverdomme: while I was editing my websites [you can now also download D.O.C.I.S. directly from this website], I have re-sent the books I unpublished when I started to apply for jobs [because I mentioned my personal situation in them, with that schizophrenia diagnosis I do not agree with, about which I didn’t tell my employer, when I applied (but I’ve told him about it, when I was fully open and honest in that very long email)] for republication. I assume that it can just be published again, since it was published before – I’m talking about the distribution platform – maar het is altijd even spannend. If all goes well, you’ll be able to see all 6 of them very soon. Look:

The left date is the publication date. They have all been published before. Good luck swimming, if you don’t believe me. I’m showing you the rest of my tabs consciously. That’s Fangyist. 

Buy it, when it’s there? Ah, what’s the point. I’m not going to keep waiting and begging for it… What the fuck. Doei. 

I love you, my Graeyniss ♥

Please Cuddle me ๐Ÿ™


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Friday, December 21, 2018

03:47 (AM) 

Haha my e-mail was sent at 03:45 (AM). It has 5169 words and is 8 pages, if you would copy-paste the text to a word document, excluding the PDF attachment file (my curriculum vitae). They [info websites on how to approach high ranked people] always say that it’s important to keep it short. But I like to stand out in the way I express myself. Plus, I really had to make clear why I approached him for this and not the recruitment staff. Also, I think I made it a very fun read ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

Haha but I totally forgot about off days during the holidays. I scared up from that automated “I’ll be back in January” message… My case is so urgent in a very uncommon way, proletarians will say “No,” without even trying to understand what is going on here [that is not what I mentioned in the email haha]. He’s my only hope… [That’s also not what I mentioned in the e-mail.] It’s not only the money for doctor’s visits and a home, it’s also because I’ll engage in holiday activities, while thinking: But I hate Christmas, no matter what… I’m far too depressed to celebrate and you should want to be jolly and want to be together – instead of fucking kicking me out man wtf – and whatever other sentimental reason there is for that festivity, every day. It’s the same shit with Valentine’s day. Why only one day for flowers, sex and saying loving things? It should be like that every day. Or it’s better to say: “You should feel like that every day.” I want to work during the holidays, because that pays so much better. 

Haha I love my e-mail. I hope he does, too. (HAHA INSIDE JOKE. Haha omgg my hearttt I wonder what his response will be… And if I’ll get one…) I hope he’ll feel the exception in this – and I know proletarians will say that I shouldn’t feel special enough to be able to become friends with the director [if you’re in between the behind the scenes top of a business and the proletarian floor, you’re “the” director, to me…], since “I am no one” in terms of sheepy business visuals and in terms of the proletarian ladder, too, in which he is in the ultimate position – as well. 

It’s a not that heavily business related mail*. I hope, ondanks dat automatische bericht, it will still end up on his iPad [haha it’s funny to imagine how he would sit somewhere using an iPad in his free time… I have no idea what the director life looks like…] and that he’ll answer my question even before his holiday ends…. Hopen mag altijd :D. 


I’m going to sleep 

Good night โ™ฅ


15:00 (03:00 PM)

Sup โ™ฅ

I’m getting tired of struggling. I already went to sleep late asf, then I still had trouble falling asleep and when I finally fell asleep, I was woken up by a nightmare. It’s a nightmare when the lucidity makes me feel stress and/or pain consciously. 

I dreamt that I was at some “city sports” event [a marathon or something… Something that is a reason to close off the city center with fences and stuff everywhere.] and for some reason I carried three bags with me. Then someone managed to steal them by putting them all in one big sports bag. I asked someone (I was with?): “Waar is hij? Heb je hem gezien?”

That person answered: “Ja, hij is gewoon daar,” and pointed towards slightly further ahead in the crowd, in which we were suddenly all walking forward in.

I started to increase my walking speed, getting ready to sprint. When I had my eyes fixed on him, while he was semi-casually walking a few rows of people ahead of me, I pointed to him and said: “JIJ. GAAT DOOD,” and started to increase my pace. So did he. I didn’t run at full speed yet, because I wanted him to be caught off guard by it. 

At some point, I dashed towards him. Right before I was able to grab him, I woke up. It has been quite a while since I had a nightmare. Evidence that all of the thc from Germany is out of my system now.  I don’t intend to go back to smoking so habitually, ever again. 

Haha this day feels so strange. I thought that my days of bed petting were over and I would be able to earn some, so that I could get my health fixed. But I’m still petty… 

* In the sense that I’m basically only asking for a personal perspective and not for some intense conpany correspondence. I also – unlike many of those wild clients – didn’t say anything in the context of being mad. I’m not mad. But I am worried about if I’ll succeed in saving myself. Most people can’t help me in this. And yes, it feels extremely like “I actually can’t do this,” to ask him for help. But meow ๐Ÿ™ . I can always try. Haha it’s all so personal, though… I have 0 idea of what to expect. Please be careful with my heart ๐Ÿ™ . 

By means of being productive – and less smelly ehehee – I’m going to wash my fro and wig. 

Here’s a picture of me at the event from Wednesday :'( :

Did I earn โ‚ฌ500 for someone…?

Mag ik het hebben? (The prize money.) Mag ik betere evenementen organiseren? Als we niet brainstormen, gaan we dansen… I said it first… Of karaoke doen ofzo… 


18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Hmm… What should I do now…? Make a beat, or change my business website again? 

My cousin sent me some music production software. I usually use Reason, but with the lite version – haha meoow that type of software is so expensive – I can’t really make beats that sound as multi-layered as I want them to sound, because the amount of instruments I can add is limited. But now not anymore, with the full version of Ableton ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I haven’t experienced my first time in the studio yet, still, though. [But here’s what I made with Reason Lite and my phone’s microphone, when I was in Surinam: Listen to I. Intro; Free Will by _LilFangs #np on #SoundCloud]
  I didn’t really clearly indicate it and it turned out that his class started an hour earlier, so we only chilled for like 45 minutes. It was nice to see him. To not miss out on the hangout, I didn’t go back to the house after picking up the package – a bag and a wallet – I let be shipped to the nearby bookstore – het afhaalpunt Bruna. I walked around with a big box and the fruit I bought, and then unpacked it when I arrived at his school. The bag is definitely not as cool as my previous one, but at least I have a bag now haha… 

I want to do both… I also want to move my muscles some, because being inside all day drives me crazyyyy. (But so does the cold…) 

By the way, I hadn’t shown you this yet:

I wonder if my Graeyniss told him to do this haha ๐Ÿ˜€

That person who last minute told me that I can’t work, said that I should try again when I have my passport, in January. But what if I’m dead by then…? I don’t want to stay inside doing nothing for so long… I’m also not going to apply for a job elsewhere, because this is the most challenging type of customer service… I can only do customer service, because proletarians can’t see my talent and only look if you have working experience and a diploma ๐Ÿ™ . (And I detest the concept and work of customer service… I prefer to take care of everything myself, online, when I need assistance with some product. Those people on the phone are the worst.) But I don’t want to put so much effort in doing something I actually don’t want to do at all… I just want a new MRI, man, haha god dammittttt…. 

So at first, I thought of making the new website a very extensive description of my projects and stuff. But what’s the fucking point, if everyone ignores what I put out? I’m going to keep it very simple. 

HAHA by the way, I find this the ultimate “Christmas” song they should play in supermarkets and shit:

I love the alliterations and other elements I recognize from translating Latin poetry! (The funny thing is that it’s not a joke!) 😂 โ™ฅ  


19:28 (07:28 PM) 

My hair loss is by the way intense. When I was younger, my hair was three times as full and long. Meoow why am I losing my cat hairss ah ๐Ÿ™ . 

I am by the way very disappointed with the turnout for participants in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’m going to close the entire process and solely hand-pick people by random encounters, because this is absurd. I have literally one person who had signed up – but only by completing half the process – and (to summarize it) the answer to the question: “Why would you qualify for the position of Illuminatus Intelligens?” is “Maybe I don’t *wink emoji*”… But then you actually really don’t qualify? ๐Ÿ™ I am not taken seriously at all. This is a hopeless situation ๐Ÿ™ . 

So, even though it was my intention to make it an equal and very easily accessible process, I’ll fully divert my focus from the recruitment. I’m also not going to continue to write that book series. For real, this time. The fuck are you letting me struggle me with my palpitations for. OOOOHH OF COURSE! Let me update my curriculum vitae first ๐Ÿ™‚ . The fuuuuck noo it’s not my life goal TO WRITE MYSELF TO DEATH MAAHN omgg stupid un-cuddles ๐Ÿ™ . That writing won’t take my entire life span, if I’d try to finish it. I could complete the series in a year if my time WOULDN’T BE WASTED BY BEING KICKED OUT and other shit ๐Ÿ™ . And if I were to have enough savings to solely write. But why the fuuck would I put so much effort in sharing my passion with the public, if I’ve had only one sale and one recruitment application. 

My sole focus will be assembling Graeynissis for my Thesis. Capital “T”, because it will be legendary as fuck. Bitches. 

Ahh meoow if I could get them all into one house… We could start our start-up from there. It would be so much fun โ™ฅ . Ah meoww I also want us to sleep in the same bed meoww. All together. These tall Graeynissis in one warm Cuddle… Omg it sounds like a dream 😻 .


So to summarize what I just said with different words: there will be no “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”. That was my sole populist attempt to get some appreciation from proletarians. But if this is the turn-out, I really don’t even want it, honestly. So fuck it ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

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Thursday, December 20, 2018

00:43 (12:43 PM) 

Meow 😻 โ™ฅ

Haha change of plans

They’re quite filling ๐Ÿ™‚

Pascale bought me two six-packs of them ♥ . I prefer to not have to leave my bed, when I’m tired and hungry at the same time. 

I don’t know what I should do now that I have something exciting and new obligations, while my body pains are increasing further. It’s now not only my back anymore. It’s my full torso :'( . I totally forgot that the increasing pain got to its peak within 72 hours, the last time I was hospitalized. Now, the pain makes me shake. Shake in the sense that I keep trying to adjust my posture to a position in which my body hurts less, but simultaneously, I think of how laying foetus position is not good for my Wirbelsรคule ๐Ÿ™ . And then I try to straighten my posture and the pain increases again. 

I do nottt want to go to a Dutch hospital for this. The last time was so traumatizing :'( . 

Without a diagnosis, they put me on the drip, first with something called NHCL or something… Some random fluid that I actually didn’t want in my body ๐Ÿ™ . Then they put antibiotics on the drip, but it some point it made my hand swell up, SO AFTER FUCKING BEGGING AND PLEADING AND SENDING MAILS AND SHIT they took that fucking needle out of MY HAND. I PLAY THE PIANO :'( . I was given soooo many painkillers. The first painkiller they gave me, I needed to take with a stomach protection pill. I then asked for a pill that could not fuck up my stomach. I had taken tramadol twice before [in a combination with weed… With my wild(ly talented) ex boyfriend Andrew]. The painkillers didn’t do anything against the increasing pain. When they transferred me to the psychiatric ward and they later called me to say that the cause of that pain was chlamydia [what the actual fuuuck I feel it in my kidneys sooo…], they gave me two large antibiotics pills – which first weren’t allowed in the ward, so I HAD TO FUCKING PLEAD AGAIN – and I stepped away from hospital food and cooked for myself in the ward. I was then, still, barely able to walk, but I shoved myself to the supermarket regularly. [AND THEN THEY CALLED ME A SCHIZOPHRENIC THERE, TOO. THE NERVE!! THEY CAN’T EVEN FUCKING COOK X_X.] I showered sitting in a chair. Even the water hurt my back. It was a stressful period – especially with wild patients those doctors called like-minded people for me – but it was nice to be away from my parents fucking ranting about me after work every fucking single day.

I think the cold increases the pain… I’m hot and cold all of the time. I’m laying in bed with warm leggings, a t-shirt AND a fucking thick sweater [the red one I bought in Germany]. Underneath the sheets… Yet still sometimes I feel cold… ๐Ÿ™  

If you’d touch my kidney area right now, I would accidentally fang you, because it hurts soo much. Just like my stomach. It’s getting hard to bed pet ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t want to die alone in my sleep. Please cuddle me to sleep ๐Ÿ™ . I love you so much, just being with you – and thus having to worry less about my success in the future – would take away so much pain ๐Ÿ™ . 

Last time, in the hospital, I asked for my B. I didn’t want to see those whose words inflict pain on me. 

Oh, how I got the job, by the way: after my Graeyniss left, I spoke to the person who was standing next to him, about that I have a lot of time free and “I’m looking for an occupation” [it’s actually “I need money”]. He introduced me to his colleague, who I have to call tomorrow to arrange how we’ll take care of things HR-wise. I hope I can take care of it via the internet…

When I was standing there, it still seemed feasible, health wise, to work for a month and then use that to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany. Oh, I mean Thomas 😻 . But now, if I were to truly listen to my body, I can’t even chill with my cousin [Jermaine ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ ] tomorrow ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t want to miss out on my first time in a studio :'( .

What to do…? ๐Ÿ™ I’m really not going back to that regular hospital. I want to die of old age or from suicide and not from shit medication. I want to know what I have ๐Ÿ™ . But they’re going to not want to go the extra mile for me with the type of insurance I have, like they’ve done so often already ๐Ÿ™ . Since there is a lot of medical examination that needs to be done [a full body one and not a less than half body one], I need to find a really good doctor and pleaseee a really good sick bed. The sick beds I’ve laid in were cold and hard, with a pillow that made my neck hurt :'( .

Has anyone seen my B? I want a cuddle… Ah, he’s a free B from Friday onwards, I believe…? Cuddle? ๐Ÿ™

I’m going to eat these cookies and attempt to rest.

Love me? ๐Ÿ™



11:08 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I’m glad that I feel better than last night.

About the new function, I haven’t really been saying much, but I think that – if that’s all I can do with the amount of diplomas and certificates I have – it might be the function with the noble cause I wanted. When I applied for my previous function, too, I wanted to be the helping hand who guarantees you that everything will be all right and who you can share your feelings with.

The clientรจle (customer base) of my previous function were people who were impatient and agressive and my role related to the final step of getting home safe. Often people had already lost their patience even before it was my turn to help them. I hope that with this one, I’ll more be able to console and comfort people, like I want to.

Yes, I type a lot in caps lock and stuff on here – because I have the right to vent, too ๐Ÿ™ – but when it comes to real life professionality, it’s like all of those emotions of mine don’t exist. I’ve experienced a lot, so I’ll be able to relate to a lot of things my clients will be going through at the moment they need my assistance. Also, my knowledge on health related things is quite broad, so I’ll be the one of a kind employee I always am ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope I’ll be able to reach my colleague and that whatever I’m going through myself won’t affect my further application process. Haha I reallyyy need the moneyy… I need a new MRI, I want to do something that makes me feel more useful – proletarians will respect me more when I have something I earn from – and I’m still on this D.O.C.I.S. International path, which includes emigrating, at some point… But it’s cool to be able to work there and to not have to make university assignments at the same time, so I’ll have a lot more real free time, compared to last time… Last time, it was 40 hours of work and officially 24 hours of school per week. But I did it with something like 7 hours of school per week, on average.

Haha noo this is not the logical way to tackle things, with my health in this state and all of the hopes and dreams I have for my own business, but financially, this is basically my only choice. Yes, “my father” earns so much that he could almost give me my salary as pocket money and give me back 40 hours of my life per week, plus not let me bleed to death financially, but he wants me to live a proletarian life.

The pain is there, making me able to walk less good than yesterday – then it was also fucked up – but it’s not making me shake the way I did last night, right now. The mucus formation I’m dealing with is worse than yesterday. I’m thinking of going fruit shopping at the Turkish supermarket, before I head over to my cousin. I’m excited ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m going to try to reach my colleague again, maybe take a little nap before I head over to the mini mall from here to pick up the package I ordered and buy some fruit, and then later head over to my cousin’s school.

In the meantime, I’ll probably still come back here to talk to you ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ


14:45 (02:45 PM) 

Heey what the un-meow ๐Ÿ™ . This “colleague” called me, saying that HR really needs a copy of my passport, instead of a print-out from the government website – which was what we agreed onยฟยฟยฟ – because it’s for such a short period. That’s such a weird argument to not let me work ๐Ÿ™ . So I asked her that if I’m able to send her a copy of the two sides of my passport [on my phone, I only have a picture of the front, but they also need the back side, because that’s where my personal identification number can be found [just like on the website of the government, which was what we agreed on before… I seriously already put the shift they want to put me on in my agenda…] – since I had to do that, too, when I applied the first time – that I would then still be able to work. She said yes to that and emphasised the “if I succeed in doing that before Monday”. 

Ah meoow I was going quite steady with acting if everything is going all right, but this is a serious form of bad luck that can have very serious consequences. I didn’t apply for that job because I want to spend my hours in the coffee corner talking bullshit. It’s life or death, for me. I haven’t explained my personal situation to them, but if I did, they really have to hire me. I have health expenses to cover and with my sole proprietorship I don’t bild up retirement funds. Ik dacht dat foute toezeggingen alleen naar klanten toe gemaakt werden. What the fuck… I’m going to mail my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™ . [I’m happy with now having a work-related reason to e-mail him haha yaay 😻 ]

I’m eating an egg sandwich right now, while drinking some tea.

And now I brought my plate to the kicthen haha.

I’m going to go fruit shopping and pick up my package, after which I’ll head over to my cousin. Gotta run ๐Ÿ˜€ xxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

03:57 (AM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

Haha I still intend to go back to sleep… I was hoping that spontaneous “going to bed before 12” [ended up eating some more and reading some of my own articles, after which I sent that fleh email to the embassy] was going to give me a proper sleeping rhythm… 

But all of that late night reasoning in my bed, the rest of the hours I wasn’t typing, has made me hungry… Again x_x. I’ve taken half a pill of paracetamol before going to sleep. I usually don’t take things like that, because I prefer truly natural medicine, but I want to be at that event without collapsing. I’m excited… If my Graeyniss is there, haha….. Ah meoow it’s double keeping me awake, because I’m thinking of conversation starters [what would be the absolute coolest is if I were to not have to start the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ ] – the initiation is always the only part that seems nerve-wracking – while he might not even be there. Is it trippier now that he already knows about my blog and he knows that I have mentioned him before on here, because I asked permission to keep the post, so he might even read this ah haha meooow *hides*. 

Haha I’m going to get something to eat. 

I’ve been thinking of what to wear… If there are camera’s again, I don’t want to be dressed too informally… [Excuzi (is that a new word of Cuddle? I think so :D)… I’ll elaborate on this I typed that I was going to stand up, but I haven’t stood up yet and just continued typing… I love bed petting and because of my hunger, my body is a lot less strong, so it requires a lot of capacity to stand up…]


04:44 (AM) 

This is Graet ๐Ÿ˜€

Jamiro made this ๐Ÿ™‚ [Haha see how I suddenly mentioned a name? I already mentioned his name when I translated that drunk video of mine. I’ve known him since I was a baby. I’m staying in the house of his parents. He’s staying on the top floor, now that his sister has moved out. I’m staying in his old room 😋 .] This is hands down one of the best pastas I’ve ever eaten. The taste is so subtle, it tastes like my own style of cooking. I love subtle flavours ๐Ÿ™‚ . I texted him yesterday asking if I could eat it for lunch, because I saw it in the fridge. Because of the late showering, going grocery shopping, being late so already having to start cooking and then throwing a fit at the embassy and translating it, I completely missed out on lunch. He mentioned some things about using different ingredients and that the taste might not be optimal. I seriously absolutely love it! 😻

I intend to one day start to just mention names instead of saying Cuddle and fleh and Graeyniss all the time. But I need to make sure who I want to keep in my life. Talents are very important to me, in that context…

Tasting the food of someone for the first time is always a horrifying experience for me, because I want to love it and respond to it positively, but I have such advanced taste that this is rarely the case, and then I still always say that it’s good, but after that I can’t say much more, because I’m actually telling a white lie, and I don’t want that person to notice that I’m lying.

This was my first time trying food made by him, and most people of our age can’t cook for shit, but this is on such a level that I would not at all mind to say: “Please cook for me every day? 😻 ” [Not literally, haha. As in that I know that there are things he can do even better than cooking.] Ik weet het nu dus zeker: “jij mag sowieso blijven” ๐Ÿ™‚ . [HAHA MAAR DAT KLINKT GEKK. Especially because he’s on the top floor right now – I hope I didn’t wake him up with my loud foot steps… the same goes for Eric and Pascale ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ – and I’m downstairs typing this without notifying him. But I’ll definitely give him a compliment for his awesome cooking ๐Ÿ™‚ [This writing is a compliment, but I’m talking about complimenting in person]] “In my “schizophrenic” context of having to select people based on character, intelligence and skills, et cetera, because of this overpopulation meets nature’s “revenge”” thingy…

Here’s round 2 ๐Ÿ™‚

Since I’m still living out a suitcase, I don’t have that many clothing options. I have four dresses with me, but they’re all too cold.  I think I’ll blend in with some meows and wear my suit, but my suit jacket actually needs to be brought to the dry cleaners. I wore it when I went to the Suicide Club in Berlin. It smells like beer and cigarettes… Haha with this weather and the suitcase life my amount of alternatives is basically 0, though. 

I must mention that at the ANWB, employees are encouraged to dress informally, though. (And then its so cool to see what someone’s definition of informal is :). I wore a pink dress with white with green high socks and white sneakers to one of my first work days once, but if I would have known that I would meet the “floor” director that day, I would have dressed differently. 

I hope that that’s what I’m mentally preparing myself for right now. Haha I’m typing about it so much that I’m really blowing this whole event up. Not literally HAHAHAHAHA. I mean that basically all colleagues I know have said that they’re not attending. So if… 

Should I do it…? Mention his name, too? Haha yes, of course ๐Ÿ˜€ . I want to be friends meoow. I really enjoyed our conversation the last time and he has mentioned several times in e-mails [since we mailed a bit until I was like “May I interview you?” and then I made things seem so random because it’s so not clear what Lil Fangs does, but the interview was because I, back then, still wanted to take the populist route with my business and show an exemplary life to plebians… Now I still have a lot of questions for him, but I don’t feel that incentivized to share what I’ll learn anymore, because all proletarians do is criticize, and I want to avoid that for us as much as possible] that he wants to keep me as an employee. I hope I’m his prospect 😻 . 

For colloquial reasons – and because I was allowed to address this one meow informally – I’ll be on a first name basis with those who can stay, to me, from now on. 

Yess… So if Victor is not going… What the fuck am I going to do there? 😂 There are so many things I want to talk about with him! ๐Ÿ˜€ I hope he’s going, but I don’t want to seem like a thirsty person *drinks 6 gallons of water* [haha kidding…], so I’m not sending any “Hey are you going?” emails… [I’m forever mailing these Graeynissis… Right…? These sexy Cuddlemeows… (I’m just saying “pleasing to the eye”…) Benoรฎt… Lorenzo… Sander is “my last option” over there at the EUR, trying to arrange a team of fellow [HAHA I say “fellow”] Graeys to get involved with the Nosce Te Ipsum thesis of mine, after which the other theses follow and we’ll rule over our own world with D.O.C.I.S. International… But I’m so afraid of not getting a response from him either ah meoww] I’ll just let myself be surprised. I can already see myself low key look around for a tall Graeyniss ahahahahahahahahaha. The funny thing is that I know so many of my former[…? I called myself unemployed the whole time… Why is there an event in December to talk about fucking insane *animal sound* [there are not even words for it, really… Those clients… Oh my god…] going on a holiday in the Summer? I must say I love anything brainstormy. Secretly I hope it’s organized because you miss me. Only me ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m looking for a real challenge I can earn from now that I don’t have a team of Graeynissis working with me on Project Nosce Te Ipsum. So if there’s work, I don’t want to wait until the Summer, since I have nothing to do and I’m so broke… I’m serious… My debit account is on minus and if I don’t continue my studies in January [sign up deadline is Jan 5, so I still have time to think and, more importantly, save up haha say whaaaat] I’ll fully be without an income… And the government will want its money back. Also, I still need to fucking get my Dutch tax agency login codes, so that I can show them they should fuck off with wanting to claim more than โ‚ฌ5000 revenue tax from me, because I haven’t earned shitttttt] colleagues read my blog every now and then and, as I mentioned, he knows about this blog, too… I wonder if he’s one of the people who refreshes a diary post multiple times a day. I must say I love that about the concept of my blog. I wish I had someone I could stalk like that, too. There’s no Fangs for Fangs ๐Ÿ™ . Or is there? I’m not on really social media or anything else trendy, so I wouldn’t even know… 

Haha ayy it’s exactly 6 AM right now and I need to be semi-sharp and feel better than I do now. I’m already getting hungry again, so it’s nice that I hadn’t entirely finished my plate yet, while I typed this entire essay haha.

Haha it feels so random to suddenly be mentioning names on here. It feels uplifting for some reason. It also means no mercy, so please be nice to me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night again, my Cuddle โ™ฅ

T is basically gewoon tot straks want mijn alarm gaat om 10:30 maahn ahahah ayy ik ga zo moe zijn… Het is twee uur reizen vanaf hier, dus om daar om 5 uur te zijn, moet ik om 3 uur weg. Haha ayy dit moet echt de moeite waard zijn…

I love you โ™ฅ


06:28 (AM) 

I just revised this text, put my plate in the dishwasher, got myself upstairs… There’s no way I’m going to get up at 10:30 AM, so I’m changing my alarm’s time to 1 PM. I just wanted to get up at 10:30 AM, because I want a healthy sleeping rhythm and a visibly healthy writing rhythm [AS FAR AS WRITING THIS MUCH CAN BE HEALTHY… IMAGINE WRITING SO MUCH YOURSELF]. 

Ah, meow… Now I need to scroll up and down this article again, because I’m going to upload this piece of added past 06:28 AM text, and for that I need to re-insert the HTML emoji code, by replacing the emoji with the code, so that I won’t get a database error and a message of the text not being uploaded. Because of that re-inserting, you keep seeing emojis in the article, while the article gets longer throughout the day. 

13:40 (01:40 PM) 

I snoozed my alarm for ten minutes twice,  when I woke up with a howling stomach as usual. Instead of running downstairs to eat, I went to the top floor to see if my suit pants are dry. They are ๐Ÿ™‚ . Then, I went to the bathroom, because it feels the nastiest to eat without having brushed my teeth. I’m now sitting at the dinner table. I’ll show you slightly more scenery than usual, since when I came here:

Mid-eating amazing left overs ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha I’ve been thinking of conversation starters, still… What I would love to do is go for a hug and say: “How have you been?” Hoping to hear all of the ins and outs of everything that happened from September onwards.  I was speaking too much last time, and I want to compensate for it. There are a lot of things I want to know ๐Ÿ™‚ . Another thing I can also say is: “I mentioned you on my blog again. This time with your first name.” And then try to make it lead to a conversation about law – since he has a bachelor in Law ayy ๐Ÿ™‚ – because there are a lot of law related things to find over here. 

I’ve edited my privacy statements myself, for example ๐Ÿ™‚ . Lil’s one says “I”, and D.O.C.I.S. International’s one says “we”, because I intended to speak for the whole network, hoping that the organization would have expanded by now, but basically it’s still only me, so that one I could also change to “I”. I think I’m going to do that, when I change the website into my Thesis proposal portfolio thingy. I’m raking a huge legal risk by saying “I” instead of we, in the statement. Also, I need my medical record fixed and my parents have left me for dead financially so often. I could use some free legal advice ๐Ÿ˜€ . But then I’ll be talking about myself again…

Haha is going more social. I’m loving my sudden impulse. I want a picture of us on heree ah meoww. Please be there ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

I’ll be wearing a purple woolen sweater that is laced up on the back and my black suit pants. Haven’t decided on shoes yet. Need to shower. With the typing, it’s now 14:17 haha have to hurry… Shit I need to do number two ah noo [my digestive system is tripping maahn]. Still need to fix those emoji codes before you’ll be able to see this text. 


15:16 (03:16 PM) 

Haha okayy at the last event I was wearing a black turtleneck dress, and this time I’m wearing something that will make me niet teveel opvallen, just like I intended last time haha:

Meoow… If I wouldn’t have felt sick as fuck, I might have worn something that says “I’m going to a borrel” more “haha”…

My Timberlands heels would have gone better with this, but since I’m running late, it’s better to wear running shoes hahahahaha. 

As I’m writing this, my train arrives. Haha I could have changed my shoes, because when I checked how late I should leave to be on time, Maps indicated I should have taken the metro of 15:11. I took the one of 15:16, but I forgot that I filled out my ETA as 16:50… 

Haha is it a lot less cold today, or is it just me? I’m melting haha… What would be the coolest is if I were to be able to fix a ride home, because of this fever, oh mann… x_x. Ahahaha or get one of the company’s rental cars. I don’t expect this haha. But as I usually say, wishing is not a crime ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It’s now 15:30 and I’m in the train. I’m travelling second class, because my bank account is on minus – haha hey “I need some work” [in between brackets because there are bloggers who fucking fund their entire living with only blogging… Right? Not that I read any other blog than my own… My content is one of a kind… Yet still I haven’t earned more than SIX. DOLLARS. AND. TWENTY. CENTS. with this…] – and the journey is not even that long. 


15:46 (03:46 PM) 

As I’m in the train – fucking nervous by the way ๐Ÿ™ – I’m making a new playlist. I’ve been listening to Tea Party for so long that it feels as if my life is stagnating haha. It is either way lol. 

Listen along, bitte ๐Ÿ™‚ :

I listened to “Raincheck” very often when I was trapped in the psychiatric ward… Trippy flashbacks… I don’t know why I never filmed how my life was there [because cameras were veryyy forbidden there, but I also smoked weed there while I wasn’t allowed to]… I love the song’s vibe, instrumental and lyrics โ™ฅ

Because the moment of “Will this Graeyniss be here or not” is coming closer and closer, I don’t really know what to type. As in I want to be excited, but I don’t know if this will be the case. And then it’s not even 100% certain if I’d get a chance to speak to him. Haha meoow my Cuddle, I’m travelling for two hours just to see you. I could also just end up only creeping from a distance. That was last time, before I jugged a glass of rosรฉ and just walked up to him while he was talking to other people. It doesn’t take long before I overheard the topic of conversation and just eavesdropped. Not long afterwards, the people from around my age left. The topic of conversation was university life. I dropped some terms like “eeuwige student” to want to sound a bit Graey haha. Verder weet ik eigenlijk helemaal niet uit welke tijd die term afkomstig is enzo haha.

Oh, by the way, while I was getting ready, I received an e-mail that said that the bag and wallet I ordered yesterday at – ik ben daar vaste klant – are delivered at the afhaalpunt. But I wouldn’t make it if I were to pick it up. Of course, it’s a borrel, so it wouldn’t be a crime to be late, but since I’m currently staying two hours away from there – from my parents’ place it’s one hour, lekker reizenn – it’s the most optimal to experience the whole event from beginning to end.


16:13 (04:13 PM) 

Haha in my focus on solely my phone and the time, I got out of the train when it stopped around 16:04, because it would arrive at the stop I need to be at around that time. But it was a stop too early. I had some time to pee in the meantime. Haha I share everything with you, because I don’t talk that often and yet still I have a lot to share, if you’re capable of understanding all of my contexts. My ETA is still 16:46 hahaa… Haha unusual Fangs showing up too early…. I’m hungry ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll have some time for a quick snack – ugh takeout – before my bus arrives, though. That will be in between 16:24 and 16:37. Let’s go out for dinner, my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

16:31 (04:31 PM) 

Ugh it’s always a lot of artificially flavored things in snack shops. I’ve settled for this:



16:53 (04:53 PM) 

Ah meoow I’ve missed being here… Walking around in headquarters makes me feel like I’m on the right track. 

Haha palpitationssssssss

Mann my bladder is going insane. I need to go again x_x. 

Hehe I feel Cuddle, because the security guard who I recognized from the Summer season, said, when I arrived at the reception: “Jij bent zo belangrijk dat je twee keer op de lijst staat.”

Ah,  the pre-socializing starts… You know: “Hey, ben je hier ook voor de borrel?”

Toilet breakk I hope you’re not going to our borrel room without mee. I’ve left my jacket on that couchh alles kan me gestolen worden lol.  


17:18 (05:18 PM)

Haha after typing about the encounter so much, the amount of nerves made me creep.  I, later, saved up the courage, but I wasn’t even able to eavesdrop HAHAHAHAHA aahh why can I be soo awkwarddd. I did exchange a few words with him ๐Ÿ™‚ . 


17:49 (05:49 PM) 

Why do Graeynissis always have busy schedules? ๐Ÿ™ I want you all to myself ah meoww. 

Haha I start at my new function on Friday. All I need to do is send a copy of some official documents with my personal identification number on it haha. If I’d have had my passport here on the spot, I could have even started earlier. But PHV Fangs is a fact ๐Ÿ™‚ . Now I have a reason to leave the house yaay. It’s two hours away from where I’m staying. Friday, my shift is 08:00 – 16:30….

Haha I don’t know what to think. Besides “haha but I’m the owner of D.O.C.I.S. International”… And I need a job ah meoow ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll forever be stalking this Graeyniss until he’s my Graeyniss, unless he’s not my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™ .  

Other than that, I’m having a good time with last year’s familiar faces ๐Ÿ™‚ .


19:50 (07:50 PM) 

I just entered the train. I’m feeling all right. I need to stop going beast mode on drinking occasions, though. 

Haha when this tall Graeyniss walked in, I started to become dizzy, thinking: “What should I say…?” Graeyniss energy always makes me say random shitt. I also slightly avoid eye contact, because speaking will become harder for me when I deeply look you in the eye, if I find you Cuddle… Especially if you blink so sexy ah meoow. 

I talked too much about myself again x_x. I wanted to try to make the conversation lead to asking if he needs a notulist or something. I should have just said that right away, but hearing no would break my heart. 

Haha I always automatically say: “I’m doing great ๐Ÿ˜€ ” when someone asks me how I’m doing. Haha famm I’m sad ill petty ๐Ÿ™ . The back pains are increasing, but I’m still able to walk. I need a full body MRI like I requested that stupid Dutch company when I went to Germany, but they said some shit about my age and only checked my heart, lungs and brain. It feels like my kidneys are going to fall out of position x_x. But yeheess after working for a month, I’ll be able to afford doing shit with that same company again. 

But meoow if I start working there again on Friday, then my next target will be his lunch table :D. Haha The Fangs is very stalky when it comes to potential Graeynissis. I want friends I can level with hahahahaaa… I’m on so many paths at the same timeeee 

I hope I can work a full day on December 25th [because Christmas makes me depressed… I miss my grandfather meow ๐Ÿ™ ] and I don’t want to be available for any festivities on New Year’s either. I promised the family I’m staying with that I’ll accompany them to Christmas dinner on December 26th. Other than that, I really don’t have anything to celebrate, so I’d rather be stacking… I’m still not in California ๐Ÿ™ . 

But yess the function I have now suits me better. It’s still not the routinless challenge with a lot of paperwork I want, but now I’ll be on the hotline for medical assistance abroad. 

Haha holy ScheiรŸ I’m so tireddd that if the Electric Wire Hustle wasn’t bumping through my earplugs (haha), I would fall asleep right here in the train. 

How am I going to do that tomorrow, with the travelling for two hours, while I also want to visit my cousin in the studio… If I go there in the morning, I’ll be able to do both ๐Ÿ™‚ . This is all far beyond my physical capacity, since I’m sick as fuck – I clinged to those high tables, because I felt like collapsing x_x… My body feels like lying down ๐Ÿ™ . But fuck thatt I want to get Cuddlees and do some productive things for my career as Lil Fangs. Even though I keep introducing myself as Dominique Elia in real life hahaha.


21:58 (09:58 PM) 

Haha meoow I should have asked if I could come along when this meow said that he had to go to another borrel to give a speech there as well. I’m waay better at being a social Cuddle when there’s no indirect time pressure. Please be my Graeyniss? ๐Ÿ™

Being my Graeyniss means spending a lot of time with me ๐Ÿ™‚ . Ahh I need to change around my business website again and make sure that it shows that I’m not a social movement. Movements don’t make real changes. I just want to seriously save this planet. Haha this could be put in motion if I were to [I’ll laugh about the informal use of names] be able to arrange a meeting [including serious conversation and doing something fun] with Vicje [haha meoow if I wanted to go for a hug, I should have done it right after he walked in, but I have a youth trauma from disturbing adults when they’re talking – people are always all over him, it seems – while I didn’t really have a good ground for disturbing, so I was waiting for I don’t even know what… So at some point – ah I just kept on drinking in the meantime ๐Ÿ™ – I thought of “using the same strategy as last time”, but I couldn’t find any words to throw in the conversation that was going on, when I suddenly creeped up next to my meow, who was listening to someone talk, with someone else standing next to him as well. It didn’t feel like the right moment to say all of the things I wanted to say. Ik klapte gewoon helemaal dicht… My thoughts went like Now or never… Now or never… I put myself under some trippy pressure. That’s how much I love you my meoow. I also love you for starting the conversation ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥ . I always trip over my choice of words, because I want to sound very positive and professional ahaha… But my situation truly isn’t, at the moment…], my EUR Graeynissis, Rutte and Trump. And me ๐Ÿ˜€ . I have some strategies that involve you, about the environment, the economy and plans of evacuation… Ah meoww we should dine together and talk about it ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Haha I’m going back to working something like 40 hours a week. I really need to be stacking for so many reasons, but health wise, I’m like Dwight in that one episode of The Office US [one of the few television shows I truly love to watch] where he has a torn pancreas, but he still wants to give a presentation HAHAHA ๐Ÿ™ . Is er een bedrijfsarts? ๐Ÿ™

I’ll be bed petting until I fall asleep and then probably go downstairs in the middle of the night to eat something. This time I won’t share it right away, if I go downstairs at night, because I spend too much time typing…

Good night, my Cuddle 😻

Love me? ๐Ÿ™


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

00:19 (12:19 PM) 

I’ve added some more text to 180 Days of Fangs. Haha woww in between September 21 and today, I’ve gone to Germany three times… And now suddenly I’ve been staying in Amsterdam, since the last time I came back from Germany. Around September, I was still staying with “my parents”. Turbulence level over 9000…

Now I’m not hungry anymore ๐Ÿ™‚


I’m going to do some stretching/yoga, by means of being nice to my spinal column [wervelkolom (NL), Wirbelsรคule (DE)] after being so bed petty… By petty I don’t mean the urban dictionary word petty!! I don’t like the urban dictionary form of petty. I mean being cuddly like a pet ๐Ÿ˜€ . 


02:04 (AM) 

2018 has been quite a fucked up year [just like 2015 and 2017], but I must say that it comforts me, to see how much my diary has developed itself. I think my mind is reflected more clearly every day. (For me it’s easy to decipher an old article, but for someone who has no idea who I am, I didn’t elaborate on contextual info enough.) 

Here’s some contextual info about my life riiight now: I’ve moved in with some family friends after leaving Germany somewhere last week or something… I don’t remember the date, but I could scour my diary to see when it was, the way I do for 180 Days of Fangs. I went to Berlin after my parents kicked me out. There, my bag got stolen, including my passport and bank cards, so I was forced to go back to the Netherlands, since, for medical assistance – one of the main reasons for choosing Germany – I need a passport. Also, my location of temporary residence there at some point was eating at me so much, that I decided to search for another place to stay. 

Now my mother says that “my father” “always says things he doesn’t mean when he’s mad and that I should come back home”, but I am so done with that, because he has the stupidest reasons for kicking me out. He could just do it again right after I move back in. It’s not the first time he does this. I prefer consistency in having a place to stay. Also, I live for having my own very large house in which I can practice all of my favorite hobbies, so I’m not at all enthusiastic about living with “my parents”. 

I say “my parents”, because I find that a true parent is a loving and supportive person and these people just force me to live the life they want to see me live. Also, I’m not certain if the man whose last name I carry is my biological father. Our characters are completely the opposite and my skin tone is far lighter than his (and my mother’s). 

What I’m trying to work towards, to turn my business into the non-profit construction I want it to end up in, is to find Graeynissis who would like to be my checking guide, when I write a thesis that includes all of the aspects I want my business to cover. 

The SBI codes my business is currently registered under have nothing to do with what I’m working towards. The person registering it said that for registration they only want to know what’s profitable right now and not what I’m working towards, for revenue tax reasons. 

When the thesis is done and acknowledged by professionals, I’ll be able to put my shift to the system into practice [being subjected to it is a choice] and have some guided experience in it already, to guarantee itself of its success. The acknowledgement will give me the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. Once I have it, I can give it to others. I made up the title…

By Graeynissis I mean those who enjoy mental challenges, who would like to work with me on creating a new – but parallel, because the freedom of choice is very important – world. Entering it does still include a challenging application process, because keeping the standard of life high is very important in this parallel system. Life there is more in balance with nature and thus technology will be used in a very different way. A citizen should be prepared for that, so that’s why everyone who enters needs to have completed the (Nosce Te Ipsum) “self-test”. 

Soo I guess today I’ll continue to work on that proposal of my thesis. But how can I incentivize you to say something to me?  ๐Ÿ™ I mean I’m making it for you – in my head, the idea is already beyond complete, so for me, personally, there’s no need to write it down – so that you can oversee the project, too. 

We should then somehow arrange a meeting to discuss how we could tackle the project time-wise. Since you have your lifetime contract at your employer and you need to spend time with your family and stuff… This is my non-paying job [my intention is to still end up being able to buy a house with this], I don’t have children and with most relatives I don’t really have anything to talk about, especially because they mostly talk shit and think I’m a schizophrenic… 

We also need to talk initial funds, since I do not only want to steal you from your lover… I also want to steal you from your employer and give you a much more satisfying salary ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I would love to give you a similar form of freedom, but then drama free, in the way you spend your time, without making you look like the way people look at me. If I would be seen with you and we would put out this plan, which is the most revolutionary concept ever, hands down, people won’t look at me like that anymore for sure and you’ll be as free as you were when you didn’t have the unwanted obligations you have today. 

Cuddle me? ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I’m going to sleep (03:28 (AM)). Forever bed petty hahaha

I love you โ™ฅ


11:37 (AM) 

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I just got off the phone with my cousin. We’ll be chilling on Thursday and in the meantime he’ll send me some references about learning about music production in Ableton ๐Ÿ™‚ . He also advised me to add a donation button to this website. Haha “Help Lil Fangs de winter door” is going to become reallll. Just kidding haha, the cause will be more serious than that…. I need to cover my health expenses for abroad and I want to show you all of my talents. I can also give speeches, sing, verse, dance, play basketball, be a leader, be very fast when sprinting, strategize and think along on an operational level, in the context of making positive and practical changes to the system ๐Ÿ˜€  

If I’d really want to do these things, I need to spend a lot less time cooking, but my body needs so much food to function – especially during the colder seasons – and I want to eat healthy, especially with my current health conditions, so I’d need to hire someone else to cook for me. Eating healthy is expensive, though. I currently can’t afford it… Here’s my breakfast:

I feel like I’m emptying the fridge haha ๐Ÿ™

On the one hand, I feel like getting some more sleep. But at the same time, I want to work on my proposal, work on my websites, get some more exercise and buy more fruit and vegetables…

When it comes to my expenses for this blog, you should know that, because I do everything myself, it doesn’t cost me that much. I pay โ‚ฌ36 per three months for webhosting. That’s it. I configured the domains and websites myself, including installing WordPress and its themes. The website layout themes I bought, fixed one time only costs, were about โ‚ฌ100 in total for both and Docis.International. It’s only expensive to have websites, when you have entire teams for web maintenance, typography and marketing and shit behind it. Because I’m multi-talented, for that, I don’t need a team. I need a team to operate on a beyond government level…  Join me bitte โ™ฅ.

To attract more people to my website, I’ve spent some money on online advertising and buying likes and followers. The buying likes and followers was to indicate that other people view this website, too… I’m only not that much of a social media person myself anymore. Besides blogging here… So my social media accounts are kind of messy… I don’t really like them, because there’s not much freedom in the way you can share your content, there. But on marketing and everything for that, I’ve spent about โ‚ฌ600 in total… I used my ANWB salary and study financing for it.

I’m, by the way, thinking of changing the website’s theme. I bought a new theme, a while back, because I intended to change my alias to Daniรซlle Lucy, and I bought a new domain name and theme for it. But I think I’m more a fangy type of person, really, so I’m staying The Fangs :D. Lil Fangs… I have such nice costume ideas for this persona ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I would rather change my real name, if it turns out that I’m not the daughter of mister Elia [I HOPE], but of mister Crutzen [I HOPE 😻 ], to Dominique Daniรซlle Lucy Crutzen ๐Ÿ™‚ . (If that’s true, then what am I requesting a new Elia passport for?) But how can I ever get personal clarity on this if probably everyone already knows yet, but they’re anti finding your father so sexy that you want to lake him, because he hasn’t fulfilled the role of a father in my life – I don’t know why I even suddenly think that he’s my father, it’s just a gut feeling… or schizophrenia hahaha :'( – but more that of a very short term mentor. And that while I rarely want to take people’s advice. “Rarely” because often people give me advice in one-liners, while they don’t even know what I’m working towards and it doesn’t fit the spectrum of anything you have ever seen yet. I want to reopen the discussion about my B and I, but if no one is backing me up, while I start this, just like last time, this can get me locked into a mental institution and I NEVEEEEEEEEER want to experience something like that again. Meow ๐Ÿ™ .

[Seriously, what type of judgment did they give for our situation in that viral lie campaign? I didn’t have sex with him… ๐Ÿ™ The pressure they put me under during the multiple hours of police interrogation just made me say crazy things… We just became friends and my parents didn’t allow me to see him, so when the police suddenly started to ask me questions about him, I hoped that they would lead me to him, so I just wanted to make it seem like we were close. And even if the having sex were true, that shouldn’t be seen as a crime if both parties want it. It wasn’t true, though. I didn’t want to tell them that I was trying to commit suicide, because they would get me an IBS and lock me into a mental institution… I still ended up there, but without an IBS. They have still treated me as if I had one, which is against the law, but everyone is looking away from this and just watches me struggle, like an animal in a cage ๐Ÿ™ . You have no idea what you’ve been involved in and how much I’ve been left in the dark about all of this… It can be so that I believe the parental lie they’ve been telling me all my life. People started to tell me about what happened during the campaign, in October 2017, while it happened in like June/July 2017… I never intended to cause so much shit… I just wanted to escape the oppressive regime of “my parents”, just like I do today. Just like I’ve been doing for quite some parts in my life, but they won’t tell you that side of the story. Simultaneously, I’m still not heard, while I have right to be heard, too, no matter how fucking heartless I seemed in that campaign. THAT IS NOT EVEN ME, DAMMIT ๐Ÿ™ . Now I’ve become this PTSSy bed cat ๐Ÿ™ .]

It’s 12:32 (PM) and I still haven’t finished my pie, because I actually do not have a sweet tooth at all. Especially not when the food is not hand made, but made by a machine. But I need to eat something and eating not the same things in a row is very important to me. Truthfully, I don’t really have sugary eating habits. I drink my tea without sugar…

Ah meoow I don’t know how to respond to my mother’s text message about going Christmas shopping on Saturday. I don’t want to talk about this situation I’m in and the sadness in her words always makes me even more depressed… And then I’m going to try to lift her up, while she still thinks that I’m fucking insane, and then she ends up hurting me when her level of confidence is up, elaborately describing how I have nothing and fully depend on her and this fucking vlerk wiens achternaam ik heb. It has been going the same way every time for months now. I really don’t feel like small talk. I really prefer to stay away from those who can have such a negative influence on my emotions.

I guess I’ll take a shower, head over to the toko [I so love living close to a toko ๐Ÿ˜€ ], because I want to eat a serious amount of green vegetables today, and start to work on my websites and the rest of the proposal.

Tot later xxx


16:46 (04:46 PM) 

In the meantime, I’ve gone grocery shopping, made the veggies and thrown a semi-formal fit at the Dutch embassy in Berlin. I’m still in the process of getting my new passport – with such an ugly picture ๐Ÿ™ – sent to the Netherlands. 

Prepping… I’m using garter, bitter melon, salted beef and solanum macrocarpon. Featuring some unions, tomatoes and madame jeanette peppers

The salted beef was boiled in water first, to make it less salty

It decreases in size a little, because of the heat

The madame jeanette peppers is there for a taste accent

Haha for people without PTSS/heart complaints, this might be a definition of the urban dictionary form of “petty”:

My heart is going on palpitations level over 9000… Somewhere last week I asked the embassy how I could get the Dutch passport I ordered in Germany, after my previous one was stolen, to the Netherlands, since I travelled back to the Netherlands in the meantime. 

Look at this…. I’m so annoyed. I needed to mail them back a filled out attachment file with my signature, but they forgot to send me the file I was supposed to sign. Now that is not the reason why I’m pissed. It’s the fucking ignorant way this person corresponds with me. Evidence that I’m right about not receiving the attachments will follow. 

So the first mail included instructions and in it, and there was spoken about signing a disclaimer and another file, but there was no file to be found, so I thought that maybe I was supposed to receive a letter at home or go to the town hall or something. It wasn’t clear to me yet that she had forgotten the attachment file. So I replied this:

E-mail me? ๐Ÿ˜€

Above is the reply to my mail. I’ll translate my own first, since that is the order of things:

Dear reader, 

In case my passport is shipped internationally, will the destination then be the town hall, or my home address?

Will I receive the UPS form when I receive the passport, or is it supposed to be an attachment?

And is it about the disclaimer at the bottom of the e-mail, or is there another disclaimer? I assume it’s about liability during the shipping process… 

Kind regards,

D. D. Elia

I receive back:

Good morning, 

The passport will be sent to the address you give up on the UPS form, usually this is the home address. Both forms

you have received as a attachment, and both have to be filled out and signed. (and sent back) 

Kind regards

There was no name underneath it, but I would not have hired this person oh my god. 

The translation follows

I say: 


None of the mails sent to me includes an attachment. Could these still be sent to me? 

Thanks in advance

Kind regards,

Dominique Elia


Good morning, 

This email was sent to you on the fourteenth including the attachments as attachment. 

Kind regards, 

The agency I was corresponding with. 

AND THEN SHE COPY-PASTES THE SAME MAIL WITHOUT THE ATTACHMENT FILE. WHAT THE FUCK? JUST SEND THE FUCKING FILE AGAIN RIGHT AWAY??? That’s what I would have done… Oh my god even serieeeus het is echt een kleine moeite om een bestand nog een keer te sturen. I would say: “Mijn oprechte excuses voor het vergeten van de bijlage. Bij deze verzend ik ze naar u.”/”My sincere apologies for my forgetfulness. Here are the attachment files:” Boom. Fucking problem solved. Maar neee waarom moeilijk doen x_x. 

That I get pissed off by things like this is the reason why the proletarian work floor is not for me. So with shaking hands and crazy palpitations, I reply:

Because of the palpitations, I couldn’t not he so indirectly pissed


Of course I’m capable of reading and know that that mail was sent to me. The mail includes instructions for the attachment, but not the attachment itself. A mail with an attachment, you can recognize by the paperclip logo that comes with the mail, which indicates the attachment. 

What I’m trying to make clear, is that your colleague very neatly typed out the instructions, but forgot to include the attachment file. In previous mails, the attachment was mentioned, but it wasn’t included. Could this then still be sent to me? You, too, can see that the previous mails don’t include attachments, right? 

“Skip the whole thing if it’s too much effort” is (unfortunately) not something I can say, since not having a passport is punishable and the Dutch nationality is the only nationality I have. 

Again, thanks in advance for sending me the attachment file. Please cooperate, because things like this give me palpitations. 

Cordial greetings [HAHAHA]

Dominique Daniรซlle Elia

That is: “PLEASE JUST SEND THOSE FUCKING ATTACHMENT FILES,” in semi-formal. (Very semi…)

Because of people like this, I want a very serious recruitment process for my company…

Dear miss Elia, 

No idea if attachments are always only visible with [I meant by and not with…] a paperclip, I think that depends on the type of mail program you use and the settings of the computer regarding to receiving emails [THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. DO NOT QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE AAAAAAHHHHH. And look at how this plebian incorrectly formalizes her Dutch…]. The emails are in PDF format and are thus also very often as an icon in the text all the way down the trail of mails. 

I am very certain that I’ve sent it three times with attachment. 

The attachments are named [what the fuck does it matter what they are named IF THEY WERE NOT INCLUDED, OH MY GOD]

Attachment 4 – disclaimer local mail [it’s not even local…]


So if the attachments are not received, then unfortunately I won’t be able to do anything else [If I were her, I wouldn’t have gone immediate ragdoll mid-process, man, wtf…] They really included all… 

And then there’s some more text about “how she can’t help me if I can’t see the attachment”, but in this fucking ugh mail she did include the attachment, like I asked three times. The other mails really don’t include it, OTHERWISE I WOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING ASKEDDD OH MY GODDD Look:



Now the issue is that I do fucking nottt agree with the disclaimer. It says that if UPS fucks up my shipping I will have to pay โ‚ฌ160 again for a new passport and renewed shipping. I think that if UPS fucks up, they should be held responsible for it? 

I want a different nationality ๐Ÿ™ . 

Please forget that I ever said that I think that Benoรฎt is my father. My mother wants to chill with me, and I would feel like a total asshole for saying no. Mid-texting about this, I finally found the courage to ask her: “Are you still in touch with Benoรฎt? I have no idea what I’m saying.” And she said “No, I’ve never spoken to him.” Then I said: “Yess [As in “Oh, okay” [haha shit :'( ]] it was worth the shot. I think I look more like him than I look like “papa”. [Clarifying why I asked the question.]” 

So what should I do now that I don’t agree with the disclaimer? Planet Fang will for sure not have dumb shit like this.

Also, I have the beginning stage of the same killer back pains I had last year, when I was hospitalized. At first, I was in a general hospital, on the antibiotics drip, but when I kept screaming out of pain, and “there was nothing else they could do for me there”, they transferred me to the first out of two psychiatric hospitals I’ve been to.

Meanwhile, it’s 19:28 (07:28 PM) and dinner was amazing. I made the vegetables and the female family friend who is co-house owner, who I call my aunt, with whom I’m staying [and her son and partner], made the rice and chicken.

I feel so feverish… My temperature is high and the pain near my kidneys is increasing. But I’m in desperate need of talking to my ANWB Graeyniss. I need an income and an occupation. But a cognitive challenge as an occupation, instead of a verbal challenge and occupation. As in that I don’t want to go back to the floor and the hotline. I prefer to work at a place in the company that’s less busy with employees who walk to each other’s desks to gossip and who try do to at least as possible. 

Haha oh boyy it would be fucked up if he weren’t there… I suck at small talk. I don’t even like it. I love Graeyniss talk 😻 .


20:42 (08:42 PM)  

Ah meoow I can’t go to the Netherlands for this intense pain that will soon influence my ability to walk. I’m too afraid that the Dutch doctor I would end up with, would blindly follow the “EPD” [the Elektronisch Patiรซntendossier is a database with all medical information of all Dutch patients. Proletarians think that it doesn’t exist, because they worry about their privacy, but it does exist. Even Wikipedia knows…]. All acknowledged (non-alternative) doctors have access to it. 

What has happened to me too often is that they don’t listen to what I say about how I feel, but they just check what the previous doctor has said. And now that doctor A has written down in my EPD “that I’m a schizophrenic”, doctor B views my EPD while I empty out my heart and thinks: Oh my god, she was so silent when she walked in, and when I asked her what’s up she suddenly started to talk so much… Too much effort… Oh what does this say? Oh, schizophrenia. Oh, yes, that must be the case, if you talk so much and it all doesn’t make sense to me [because I am not even listening to how the schizophrenic is actually explaining how she might have a deadly illness], it must just be a relapse of schizophrenia. And tells me: “Yeah my examination is already finished. I’ll prescribe you a higher dosage of antipsychotics.”

I need doctor House, fam ๐Ÿ™ . And a house, man… Please save me, my Graeyniss 😾 .

The headache, high temperature and back pains are killing me, but I want my business concept to be cleaar ah meoow I gave myself an indirect deadline x_x. Haha the last time I tried to pitch my full business concept, I flopped, because I spent too much time explaining the relationship between the Nosce Te Ipsum series and the recruitment and further development of D.O.C.I.S. International. Or even only the Nosce Te Ipsum series. I shouldn’t have elaborated on the story concept so much… I seemed like too much of an author, while I was trying to say: “I’m trying to be like you. Having a leading function in a multi-component business. Please love me and take me under your wing 😻 ” in a non-sexual way ๐Ÿ˜€ . Even though I was being so awkward that I was standing sooo close to him, that there was barely space for me to talk with my hands, the way I do when I’m trying to be Graey, so at some point it was like I was pointing at my boobs, while I was trying to say “one or the other” with my hands, not talkint about them [the “one or the other” related to a question from the book. He asked for an example question from the series, and I said: “Do you believe the Universe was created by an invisible person, or by an invisible force?” Because of the cramped space in between us [cramped, but it felt very comfortable to me ๐Ÿ™‚ ] I put the backs of the palms of my hands against each other and moved my arms from left to right, indicating “one or the other”… Haha oops… I should have asked what his answer to the question was, but I thought: Large concept, not enough time… The event will end soon… Need to become friends forever… Need… Graeyniss… I want to explain how there’s a similar endeavor in our business plans and how we could work together. And how by being my Graeyniss will really lead to us making the best changes to the system ever. You won’t regret it โ™ฅ While I continued to ramble about the story concept… Too many details… Ah I’m sorry my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™ ] There was a camera crew and I spotted them making pictures of us… I wonder if they can be found somewhere… I want to make better pictured ๐Ÿ˜€ . He’s so photogenic ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Meoow I hope I’ll get a chance to explain it this time. It would be easier if my business website were to showcase all business aspects I want to bring to life with my Nosce Te Ipsum thesis. But I feel so fucking shitty… This headache is killing me. Also, I’m more interested in if the company has evacuation plans for the country and otherwise, if he needs a strategist ๐Ÿ˜€ . Or maybe even if the company truly even has any responsibilities in it…

Aah headache… Screen staring is not good… But I like telling you things ๐Ÿ˜€ . I wish I could tell you this in a cuddle… Especially in this cold weather 😻 .

Fingers crossed on my unofficial Graeyniss being there tomorrow… Noo if you’d ask me in person, I wouldn’t call him my Graeyniss. So many people want to have him as their Graeyniss, he can’t publicly choose a side without breaking hearts. Ah, my heart ๐Ÿ™ [Cuddle me? ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m just an innocent little homeless and moneyless cat ๐Ÿ™ ]

Also, fingers crossed on this fever and back pains not becoming worse tomorrow… I’m going… No matter what… Fingers crossed I won’t collapse ๐Ÿ˜€ . Haha I hope bad luck Fangs will not not see this Graeyniss… I’d become more sad internally, if that were to happen. I’d also become fucking desperate ahahaha…..

I’d love to talk to you some more, but staring into light makes my headache worse and so does venting sometimes…

So I’ll be quickly washing my wig, because I want to look Cuddle tomorrow, and then I’m going to bed ๐Ÿ˜€

On the B not being my father thing [Oh, HAHA… Awkward…], I was basically saying that I love him so much, that the ways in which I feel love for him wouldn’t change if it would suddenly turn out that he’s my father.

I’m such a hopeless romantic… People always think I only want sex… Noo keep your sucky rhythm weak conversation ass away from me, then… [I always get hit on by people I don’t find attractive, and I let them do their thing, while the people I find attractive always don’t seem in to me ๐Ÿ™ . My ex boyfriend excluded. I want to never have one night stands anymore… But I suck at saying “No”, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stick to it ๐Ÿ™ .]

It’s now 22:51 (10:51 PM). I’m sitting at the dinner table and just closed my laptop, which I used to scan in those stupid filled out attachment files for the embassy. [When I’m offline here, I’ll still be using my phone to send that to them. If UPS fucks up the sending, I’ll just live without a passport. Fuck it ๐Ÿ˜€ ] The news is on and as usual I hear a lot of proletarians complain about the prime minister of the Netherlands. If he were that fucked up, then why the fuck did he get elected twice? Echt hou je bek en begin je eigen partij als je wat over hem persoonlijk te zeiken hebt. I don’t know him personally and I tend to stay away from news about politics, because it gives me palpitations, but I’m so against proletarians blaming political individuals for “everything going wrong”. There are thousands of people who are behind the strategies that are put into practice [want to save up? Fuck all of those robots. You could let it be done by just one person… The Fangs 😎 ], so you can’t just hate the representative of the group. The same goes for people hating on president Trump…

In the show [it’s on SBS6… No idea what the name of the show was. Know that I basically never switch on the TV, but I can’t not focus on it, when it’s on… So many shallow statements being blurted out 24/7 oh my god… There are things to talk about that are fucking far more important. Like how this system is going to collapse if we don’t fucking do something oh my godd wtfff] he just mentioned that he’s open to civilian initiatives. Where do I sign up for free? May I be paid for it? Mag ik ook een kantoortje? Kom chillen…? ๐Ÿ˜€ Be my Graeyniss? ♥ I recruit useful people. I find him attractive looking, by the way.

Meoow headache ๐Ÿ™

My love โ™ฅ,

Sweet dreams 😻


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, December 17, 2018

02:57 (AM) 

Ah meoow why doesn’t my funny video in yesterday’s article show on my mobile browser ๐Ÿ™ . 

I’ve worked some on 180 Days of Fangs. Reflecting on this year makes me want to fucking die. If celebrating Christmas, still without my Cuddles and Graeynissis, with another family, still goes through, I think that will be one painful memory too much. New Year’s in bed by myself would be de klap op de vuurpijl [PUN HAHA*] that would make me prefer to sleep forever. 

* De klap op de vuurpijl is a figure of speech. It means surprise, but literally translated, it’s “the slap on the fire arrow”. Haha get it, in the context of New Year’s 😂 .

How I’m going to try to let 180 Days of Fangs lead to a shift? I don’t know yet, just like with everything else I write. It’s all intuitive. I came up with the idea of a timeline article just a few days ago. I’m thinking of ending it with a summary of the proposal of my thesis. The thing with these Graeynissis is that I know that they find me very attractive – but that’s because we’re made for each other, my sexy Cuddlemeow 😻 [our intelligence!] – and the person they’re in a relationship with probably can’t stand me, because I’m cool as fuck, so secretly they come back here every time, trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing. I AM TALKING TO YOU. Who else can I talk to? ๐Ÿ™ About the thesis…

We’re from different classes, so it seems impossible for us to get together, but by being this privacy leak, I’m trying to show you that you shouldn’t give a fuck, too, and just make that move. I was very serious when I asked you on what the procedure is for saving a lone prophet. In this day and age, with my looks, there is no procedure. They’d say that it’s just because you want to be intimate with me. The people who say that kind of shit are the people I want to kill first, because they’re fucking sabotaging my opportunity to be able to make a change.


Sorry for that fit of anger, my Graeyniss. I just wish I could cuddle you. I’ve been showing you pieces of my mind – even with all of these posts, I think this is not even 5% of all that I want to say and do – hoping that you’d decipher the urgency of you reaching out to me in real life. I’m waiting for you ๐Ÿ™ . All I can do is hope and wait, because I’m broke as fuck and I have the most non-cooperative, heartless proletarians as “parents” [I basically raised myself]. They kick me out, while I might have fucking cancer.

Ahh I should go to sleep. It’s 03:51 (AM) now.

I love you โ™ฅ

I want to steal you from the person you’re dating.

I would love to be worshipped like a real-life goddess, but I’m not the type of person who would demand this. It’s something you should feel like doing.

Mag ik een Cishe? ๐Ÿ˜€

The easiest way to reach me is by posting a comment. But I believe that, because my life has become so public et cetera, my phone must be bugged as fuck by now, so you must have other sexy Graeyniss ways of reaching me. Please let this be my last day as “undiscovered talent”… :'(



Good night


15:14 (03:14 PM) 

Meow โ™ฅ

I woke up early with a howling stomach and went back to bed after eating. And that while I had crazy sober munchies not long before going to sleep… I ate chow mein, bread with salami and some soup, around 1 AM, and around 7 AM I was already hungry again ๐Ÿ™ … Now I’m hungry again ๐Ÿ™ But I don’t want to eat the same thing… I have no choice though, since I’m too hungry to go to the supermarket. I’d faint… 

If you’re still a hater after reading 180 Days of Fangs, know that your soul is dead and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you’ll never be able to see any of my publications again, once I’m lifted up a class. I’m the most disrespected person in this godforsaken country, while I deserve the most respect, since I’m the only one with an out-of-the-box strategy to save this fucking planet. I haven’t fully explained it yet. I’m waiting for some love and trust. And the opportunity to be with people who operate on the highest level. The fuck is this… 

Did you know that me not going to the doctor in the Netherlands is a slow form of committing suicide? If I don’t have cancer, I must have something else fucking serious. My urine is almost fucking orange. I hope, the day I won’t wake up or collapse, authorities from abroad will finally know all the shit that is going on here and fucking bomb this shitty ecosystem, by means of avenging me.

By taking it slow, I’m giving you time to save me. I don’t want to live, if I can’t live together with you in the most royal way possible. I love you and I’m not going to spend my life’s hours doing proletarian shit. That’s too far below my level of intelligence. Zzzzzzz.


16:31 (04:31 PM) 

By means of variation, I fried myself an egg.  I’m getting bored with sharing my cooking.  I never intended to do this in this way – still living a semi-proletarian life – for that long. I wanted to show the shift from discovered to undiscovered, while it was still happening. The problem is that it’s still happening. You know, every publicly successful person has a sad story behind his or her success. I’m still in the middle of the sad story. 

What I’m trying to very indirectly say is that, if you want me to live, someone needs to take me to a non-Dutch private hospital. All I can do with my semi-proletarian class and brokeness is go to my fucking non-cooperative hurtful fucking stupid bitch phycisian. But because of our history, I don’t want to share my feelings with her. I don’t want to be treated with regular medicine that have side-effects and shit. I know there are some cysts in my body and I want them to be removed with an operation and not with killer chemo. I hope the US president is a secret fan of me and that he would welcome me to his presisential health care niss. 

I think that’s the procedure on saving a lone prophet. Or a lone goddess…. 

I still haven’t showered and people are already coming home from work… My curtains are even still closed… Oh my god I feel so unproductive x_x. But I’m still tired meow ๐Ÿ™ 


18:52 (06:52 PM)

I’m so bed petty ๐Ÿ™ . Excuse me for not having dinner with the family right now. I hope you’re not waiting for me to come downstairs, because I intend to lay here until past midnight and then go downstairs to score some left overs or something. I’m not in the mood to socialize at all. 

I’m so stuck (financially and health wise), but still I’m looking forward to a studio session and hopefully seeing my Graeyniss at the ANWB event on Wednesday. The problem is my health… I haven’t done anything today, besides writing as I usually do, which is very time consuming, by the way. Yet still I’m soooo tireeed. And also quite hungry, but meoow I’m too petty to talk ๐Ÿ™ . 


20:35 (08:35 PM)  

I love hiding in bed. It’s a bad habit, though. Or should I say “bed habit”? ๐Ÿ˜€ *Ba dum tssss* 

It’s one of the things that were like adding oil to the fire, when ignorant motherfuckers wanted to “officially diagnose” me with a psychosis/schizophrenia. While I’m just a bed cat ๐Ÿ™ . [I didn’t talk to them like that. I used my most distant and professional Dutch with them. Putting a lot of emphasis on the law, which they have broken in so many ways and no one gives a fuck :'( ] Me mentioning this again now, even though I haven’t seen any psychiatry hoes this month, I think is because of post traumatic stress. The way to solve that is by starting a new life, if you’d ask me. There’s not much left to talk about. Everything is written down here. Spread over online diary articles and stuff… 

Has anyone seen my B?  ๐Ÿ™ 

Whatever happens, if no one helps me, my entire financial future will depend on my attendance to that event. I really hope this meow will be there, because he’s one of the few people I feel I could talk to. I hate small talk… I want to use my brain in a conversation. I want to run an independent state, so his field and specialisms are very interesting to me. I hope he has something for me. It’s, again, this wild cat seeking shelter… 

Ah meoow I hope he didn’t consider my zillion emails to him as me hitting on him. That would lead to lifeless plebian bitches talking shit about us ๐Ÿ˜€ . I just want a Graeyniss friend ๐Ÿ˜€ . But I must say that I find him very handsome 😻 and that this leads to me acting veryyy random around him. It’s just because I love you ๐Ÿ˜€ . Mag ik een cuddle? ๐Ÿ™ I love cuddling tall and handsome people. Also non-tall people. “Everyone is handsome”. <– that is populism hahahahahahahahahahaha. It’s a matter of confidence, though. As long as you find yourself attractive ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Shelter is one of our basic human needs. Haha I say “our”, as if I’m human. I should drop all of my low-key forms of populism. 

Anyway, yes, about shelter… I should be able to afford shelter. Shelter I really want, even. But I can’t even afford shelter I don’t want. It was a choice of mine to live off study financing instead of welfare. I’m too proud for welfare… But meoow I hope I’ll get an opportunity to finally be able to afford some shelter I love. I’m talking about een achtertuin waarin je een sprintje kan trekken en waarin mijn kat genoeg ruimte heeft om een dier te zijn. That’s what I’m working towards. 

The size of my goals bring a lot of stress with them. Especially because I’m doing it all on my own. So dumb health care professionals who say: “No, you can’t be that sick. You’re too young for that.” EXCUSE ME, DO I SOUND LIKE A TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD? EXACTLY! I FUCKING DON’T. So I might also be sick like a non-twenty-two year old. I’m a Graeyniss, too ๐Ÿ™ . The way those health care people only think of their stupid budget is so frustrating. The idea of a budget is fictive anyway. Everything you spend is too much already, because this place is overpopulated and therefore every resource used is “beyond the budget”. 

Haha this budget thing gives me flashbacks to when I was working in the Summer… The numbers I’d like to work with are client related statistics and not money, since I’m not a supporter of “money prediction”. The Netherlands really need a financial make-over [and me too ๐Ÿ™‚ ]. I could help you… If you pay up ๐Ÿ˜€ . In that way, I’d help myself. I can also help you with constructing a plan in case the threat of this country flooding becomes too serious. I love short term projects. That’s what I’m a sole proprietor for ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I want to ask my Graeyniss so many questions about thisss. He is t h e person who people would run to in case that wave of five meters of ice water brings back the balance in nature. Because the company is a monopoly related to less extreme forms of that situation. You also need to think about what you’re going to do afterwards, my Graeyniss. [This is a joke, haha. I wouldn’t force it… But it’s important to be prepared for anything. Especially now that over-population, over-consumption and lazy binge watching is “2018’s generation in three terms”, to me…] What would you like to do when you grow up even more? We don’t do routines, right? ๐Ÿ˜€


22:08 (10:08 PM) 

Haha something I really need so share with you is the Fangs version of All I Want for Christmas, which I have stuck in my head. It’s a joke. It’s also only one couplet or whatever. Readers discretion is advised haha. 

I don’t want a lot for Christmas 

I just want to fuck my B

And I will accomplish my endeavor 

And I feel like smoking trees

I just want you for my own 

[Yes, I’m talking to you]

More than you could ever know 

[Apparently you’re still not realizing it]

Make my wish come trueeeee 

[Yes, hurry up please]

All I want for Christmaaas 

[It will be like Christmas every day]

Is youuu 

[my Cuddle 😻 ]

Haha oh my godd after more than a decade of hearing this song, after hearing it once around this time of year, I’ll hear it until fucking January 2019 x_x. Whyy do people not get tired of hearing the same Christmas music…?

I don’t intend to record this. I just wanted to share my reason to laugh internally ahahahaha. Unless you want a recording…?

I guess it’s time for me to mentally prepare myself to get out of bed. I feel nastyy so I want to shower before going downstairs, but I’m also veryy hungryy, so meowยฟ I always have a lot of needs at once x_x.


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, December 16, 2018

02:25 (AM) 

I loved the birthday party! I hope the birthday girl had a great time, too ๐Ÿ™‚
Ahh meow why am I always a cooperative person when someone tries to get into my pants…. As if I’m the wingman at the same time :'( [??? FUCKIBG help me pls becayse this is goung to get me pregnant and I don’t want that yoooo. I want isolation from the opportunity of “being pulled in a plebian instead of gyptian way”. It should just be someone who loves me ๐Ÿ™ . I’m too much of a wild street cat who needs food and love. It’s like figuratuvely, I follow you, as you tingle your keys… I want to not be plebian ๐Ÿ™ . Don’t you see how plebian I speak semi-formal English that doesn’t fully suit “the class I’m from”. It’s semi-upper middle, though.]

I only want to be intimate with a Cuddle I want to spend the rest of my life with… The polyamorist way? You better want to rule over an independent state!!! 

On nights like this I want to cuddle my B to sleep 

I always want to cuddle my B to sleep 

I don’t think of him as much as I dream of him. I might be acting casual, but he’s my only connection, becayse I’m lonely… I dream of touching him every night… It’s because of his super irresistible intelligence…. Irresistible intelligence is so irresistible ah meoow 😻 &#x1F63B;. It would be so cool if it turns out that he’s my father… At least then, it’s certain that he’ll stay in my life, for the rest of my life, and that I have the right to have him in my life for the rest of my life ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Be my Graeyniss?

This one Graeyniss has the funniest video of me ever aahahahwhwhwhwhaahah 😂 &#x1F602;.

Another irresistible Graeyniss I dream of cuddling to sleep

As long as many others 

I want to skip this eenpersoonsbed and go to my Cuddle brother’s bed

But I don’t want to be a freak ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Meoww Cuddle me

My international Cuddleโ™ฅ
It’s my intention to make you feel like my one and only…

I just keep on typing, hoping that you’ll realize you’re my one and only, hoping that you’ll be my one love

That’s all I do on this blog….

I just finished my 03:18 meal, in the mood for another one… Let’s make this just as lit at the White House? It must be tough being under media fire 24/7. Know that I won’t let them influence me and that I love you to death. My Cuddle… I’m going to stop typing after saying

I believe one day my B and his other behind the scenes Cuddles will pick me up in the most royal way, because I’m divine as fuck… [Wtf what other female does this… Please act as if I’m as demanding and dominant as she is… I am not at all the voice of “women”.] Because of The  Head Cuddle, he already knows my full strategy for changing the system. He has the real life experience and knowledge to complement it โ™ฅ. Something that’s a secret from me – probably my mother – is keeping him from me, but I can’t live without him. I love him and you so much… My audience is 90% dudes… But I’m not doing this to get some dick… I want love, my meow… Please know this… Please be one of the few who actually gives me this. The rest is too dumb to understand…

But I love you โ™ฅ. Until the end of time!

I’m going to eat some more and go to sleep

This one meow is here but I don’t dare to Cuddle?

Good night, my *insert word that goes beyond love and a two heart emojis โ™ฅโ™ฅ

I love you so much!


12:52 (PM) 

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ 

How are you todaay?

*This question now makes me think that you’ll answer this question with your thoughts and feel more engaged in this online diary post*

I’m still in bed… But I’m going to get up, because my bladder really needs to be emptied… 


13:04 (01:04 PM) 

Daar ben ik weer ๐Ÿ˜€ 

As a clarification of some of my words from yesterday: I’m always cooperative when someone makes a move on me, because I always feel so hurt when I get rejected – which is one of the reasons why I don’t even make moves anymore… that and that I rarely see someone I could imagine myself with – and I don’t want to cause that same feeling of hurt for someone else. I actually followed him to that porch and allowed him to try to fuck me raw [what the fuck, why am I not confident enough to say nooooo fuck offf pleaseee what’s the point of doing this :'( ]. But I’m very tight [still, somehow ๐Ÿ™ ] and I wasn’t aroused, so it didn’t work out. Especially not when he said: “Zuig aan mijn pik dan,” and said that my Cuddle is dry ๐Ÿ™ . Don’t insult my Cuddle ๐Ÿ™ . I find it hard to say “no”, but because of that plebian choice of words that pissed me off and that insult, I was suddenly very able to say “noooooo”. 

Yesss sharing this here and thus forever speichern it on the servers of my German webhost is far from common. A lot of plebs will think I’m the worst kind of person for sharing this. And that while many of them have “shameful” shit like that to share, too, but they’re acting as if they’re saints. They’re not my target audience, so I don’t give a fuck ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m just showing you me. I know non-proletarian people keep an eye on my blog. First of all from the fact that I mention brand names and names of governments and government institutions on here and every company has its social media patrol squad, and then the proleet didn’t get instructions on what to do if the mentioning is on an actual web page, and it includes a lot of text, written in a way that isn’t that easy to understand, so it might have been passed to “higher up”. And also because in my statistics I always see an outstanding number in my top five with only the country’s flag, but no defined location (city). That’s how I know my dear higher-up United States enjoys reading about my semi-plebian life :). And my dear higher up Netherlands [please put me on the list for the flooding escape plan, alstubliefttttt], too :).

In other news, as the end of the year is approaching and since I was a baby, I’ve been so scared of fireworks, and I now have this controversial blog on which many non-conservative statements are made, I don’t want to be in a densely populated area, when people run around, throwing fireworks. I want to stay pretty ๐Ÿ™ . I know some people can handle fireworks responsibly, like my unofficial brother who lives here and enjoys fireworks, but there are also these idots who use that shit to blow up trash cans and do other dumb things with it. Plus, it’s “often bought illegally, in Belgium”, they say on the news, and that it then “can have errors in the way it’s manufactured” and just blow up in your face and shit. That should stay out of the hands of ontspoorde people. Those type of people who fight over soccer games and yell shit like “Boeren! Boeren! Joden! Joden!” during the game. I’m afraid they don’t like me ๐Ÿ™ . Fireworks are basically weapons, and I only know how to fight with my body and/or knives and swords and ninja stars and shit, so I always feel so unsafe around New Year’s ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m going to make it worse, because I want to show myself on here. I’m a republican. I’m not a democrat. I believe that those who are easy to influence – often proletarians – shouldn’t have a say in how an entire society is ruled over. Only the idea that they have something to say, because they can color in a fucking dot on a piece of paper – I don’t vote – keeps them quiet? Man, that’s dumb…. 


16:04 (04:04 PM) 

Haha I finally have some imagery of myself which is not made by myself! It’s too controversial for a separate post. So I’m showing it here. Only those who keep up with my writing will be able to see it, then. I think the video is hilarious XD.  

Some contextual info: this was after the party from Thursday last week, since my week starts on Sunday. I’ll first write out what I say in Dutch, before I translate it. I don’t know why I’m saying it, because I don’t remember that much of how that night ended. I also don’t remember that the video was made. My friend, who was the DJ that night, said: “Okey, doe je best.” Then I say: “Jamiro, ik ben fucking stabiel, kom chillen? Aah…” Then his girlfriend says: “Ooh nee, je labello.” Then I say: “(Oh) neeee…. Ik ben niet dronken….” Then she says: “Nee, je bent niet dronken, je bent gewoon super gezellig.” And I burst out into laughter from the way I flipped my scarf. 

So in English [By translating it like this, I try to encourage you to read back to the previous paragraph and teach you some Dutch]: “Okay, do your best.” “Jamiro, I’m fucking stable [it’s Dutch slang for saying that I still function even though I’m intoxicated as fuck haha], come and chill (with us). Aah…” “Oh no, your Labello.” “(Oh) noo… I’m not drunk…” “No, you’re not drunk, you’re just super gezellig [I find “cosy” not the right translation for “gezellig”, even though that’s what dictionaries say. I think “fun” applies better, but it still doesn’t really apply to this context, so I just leave it untranslated.]”

I’m a rebel for always posting things without asking or mentioning it to anyone. I assume it’s cool, because I’m the only one looking stupid in this video. But I know the risk I’m taking, so feel free to attack me for it.

18:10 (06:10 PM) 

In the meantime, I’ve made some griesmeelpap as my first food of the day and I made some soup for dinner. 

18:32 (06:32 PM) 

In the meantime I’ve arrived at the house of the daughter of the family I’m staying at. It’s my first time here. I hadn’t visited yet ever since she moved out. 

Shout out to my unofficial uncle for being my cutting assistant. It has been very long since I’ve had someone helping me with cooking. 

My phone is not very cooperative with uploading pictures right now, so I’ll show them to you later.

19:21 (07:21 PM) 

Something pressing on my mind is my dependency on the people I’m staying with. I love them, but I really need to hurry the fuck up with getting independent, because I can’t stand nog being independent. And by independent I don’t mean earning enough to get by. 

Especially with the “Pay up, pay up,” messages I’m getting from the Dutch government, I need to hurry up with finding a way to generate an income for myself. I hope that at the event I’m going to on Wednesday, this Graeyniss will be there and that I could maybe get another function, instead of being a Summer employee. I have no idea how to bring this, though… I want to do something I’ll earn enough with to emigrate to The States… “Royally”… And to pay back my study loan. All in the shortest time interval possible. At the same time, I need to still have some time free, so that I can develop my concept of a parallel system and find participants for it. So I’d prefer working slightly less than 40 hours a week. I hope I could do something that includes a lot of reading, writing and working with numbers… But not the type of numbers related to prediction. Rather for reflection and ideas for 


20:31 (08:31 PM)

My cousin invited me to visit him at his school’s studio this week. I hope we can record something! 😻 I would so loveeee to have him as my producer and make music professionally. I have so many music ideas! I hope I could perform it, one day… I think I then also have a DJ, since my Graeyniss killed it last week ๐Ÿ˜€ . We could throw a Fangs partyy. My unofficial Cuddle Graeyniss brother has experience in organizing events… Ayyy ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Planet Fang needs entertainment, right… I want to be your entertainment ๐Ÿ˜€ . I also want to shelter other entertainers there ehehe. Recruitment included, just like for all other categories of people. The recruitment is because the space is limited. It’s, to me, more important to keep nature in balance, than to become super huge. Having becoming super huge, as a goal, as a business, is not the most beneficial for the balance of nature, in my eyes… Because it’s not taken into consideration, when you only think of getting more clients and more profit and shit. That’s why I’ve been saying that I’m not going to dumb down my content, for more proletarians can understand it. The final size depends on how many countries and people want to participate, the budget that comes with that and the ecological analysis that follows. 

Some pictures: 

At first, I made two pans, but one was hot asf and the other one a lot less flavorous

We ate the soup at the house of the daughter of my unofficial aunt and uncle [or should I say “unofficial foster parents” nowยฟ]. I made this little ducky when we were playing with play dough with the daughter of the daughter

I’m a little bit awkward with babies and children, because I tend to treat them like adults, in my ways of interaction. Especially when I say something to a child. I’m not the type of person who would change the pitch of my voice and say things in the category of “goo goo gaga” and…. Yeah I don’t even know how to describe it, because it’s just not something I’m able to do. I would be a lot less awkward if I knew how to practice that popular form of interaction with a child. But you know what I mean? 


21:39 (09:39 PM)

I think I’m going to work a bit on 180 Days of Fangs… And then finish my proposal tomorrow… Hopefully also make a concept for my studio visit ๐Ÿ˜€

Oh something else you should know about me is that I’m deeply in love with SZA 😻. In my head, I call her my cuddle cat. She’s such a Goddess 😻 and I love how she’s not like “Ooh eww I can’t do anything and everything is difficult” like regular women – I can’t stand the way regular men adapt to it and how they think that every woman is like that ughhh*** – I know from the way she presents herself in the peaks of her life I sometimes check out on Instagram. I’m not like that either. That’s why I usually don’t really have a connection with women, even though I’m female.

I also love the lovingness in her choice of words. Both in song and in writing ๐Ÿ˜€ 


*** “The good ones” go into slave mode, saying “Okay, you do nothing. I’ll do it.” I know it’s because he loves her, but she’s going to take his effort for granted. When men see me struggle a little and they want to take over, I often want to say: “I CAN DO IT MYSELF. I’M NOT THAT INCAPABLE TYPE OF FEMALE. I’M ALSO NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC.” But I always just cooperate with whatever they want to do, because it’s too much to explain in that short split second they suddenly step in. “The bad ones” always start to complain and generalize the concept of women. Saying shit like: “Boohoo you always fuck up things blah blah. Women always blah blah.” It’s better to just walk the fuck away if you’re just going to zeiken like a bitch.

We’re all just physical entities, man, fuck the concept of gender. It’s not important. And that’s why we all, for sure, should be equal. Hierarchy should be based on intelligence, I think ๐Ÿ™‚ . I believe we do need some form of hierarchy, because of the relationship between someone’s capabilities and the function he or she has in the global society.

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Saturday, December 15, 2018

00:38 (12:38 PM) 

Because of the painful situation I’m in – the brokeness, my business is still undeveloped, I have been kicked out of my parents’ house at age 22 and don’t have money for buying or renting my own house – I really want to escape my perception, especially now that the holidays are coming up. 

“On the bright side”, last year’s Christmas was so fucked up that it’s impossible to have a worse one. Last year, I was in the psychiatric ward, not allowed to leave, no matter how often I begged, but I was allowed to have dinner with my relatives, with a curfew. 

How am I ever going to achieve the independence I want? Know that I’ll never participate in “climbing up the ladder” in another business. That would be way too many years of my life invested in something I actually don’t want to do at all. I’d only work because I have bills to pay. 

What’s the procedure on saving a lone prophet? Haha may I say “prophet”? I’m afraid that they’ll use it as another reason to call me a schizophrenic, but it’s my faith, so I have to mention it… Who else can shift the system? If someone else were able to do it, he or she would have already done it. 

I believe that there will be better days in the future, but I’m starting to lose my patience, now that the new year’s reflection is coming. I want better days right now. I want to make them for all of us, while I’m still in my twenties. I detest the proletarian life so fucking much. [Especially on New Year’s in the Netherlands! What the fuck… How can the government allow fireworks here? Alles is bovenop elkaar gebouwd… In between the tiny streets and the overload of cars and houses, it’s so unsafe and there’s no way to escape it, for me… :'( ]

Ahh I’m so tired en als ik door blijf schrijven ben ik straks weer over mijn slaap heen…

So good night, my dear reader

I hope we’ll cuddle, one day


08:48 (AM) 

Good morningโ™ฅ

I was hungry and tired at the same time, so I just ate some bread with chocopasta, pindakaas en hagelslag…. The combination was a literally very sweet impulse. I’m going back so sleep xxx


13:04 (01:04 PM) 

“Back in time” with my hair like this. My earrings were in my stolen bag ๐Ÿ™ .

Making noodles

I’m eating noww

I’m going to a shopping area today, with my aunt. A bag, a wallet and a warmer jacket I’ll need, since my bag got stolen [ :'( ] and it’s so cold outside ๐Ÿ™ . It’s currently 1 degree Celsius x_x. I’m not able to sleep with only my panties on anymore, so it’s very hard for me to fall asleep at night. Having clothes on underneath the sheets feels so cramped. [“Benauwend”, I want to say, but “oppressive” doesn’t sound right?] I’m staying in the Bijlmer region, by the way. I don’t know my way around the neighborhood yet… She’s going to show me around a little ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I want to give myself some time off from giving myself deadlines. “It’s Christmas, right” HAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s an excuse for everything. “I don’t feel like wearing clothes.” “You may. It’s Christmas.” 

Haha meoow I want to have dinner at the White House for Christmas. With my B and the cool Jewish president. 

Writing down what would lift me up is not a crime ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Inmiddels is het 13:56. We zijn onderweg en mijn oom is ook mee ๐Ÿ™‚ 


14:42 (02:42 PM) 

We’re at another mall that is not in the region, because it’s cold. This one is deels overdekt haha. 


17:31 (05:31 PM) 

I’m very happy with my new jacket ๐Ÿ˜€ . It cost me a fortune, but it was worth it. My boobs burst open my other jacket every time I breathe in or move my arms hahahaha. When it wasn’t so cold, it wasn’t that bad, because I love the big hoodie. 

But now I have “a Paddington jacket” :D. 

Unfortunately, my search for a wallet and a little backpack were unsuccessful. I wish I could design my own clothes. I have so many ideas for clothing [the sweatshop doesn’t count haha eww], which will definitely be sold on Planet Fang and Earthly shops. 

By the way, Planet Fang won’t have fast food restaurants. It won’t even sell food with chemical additives. The Fangyist will buy directly from the farmer. There will be no supermarkets, only “specific stores”.

So now I’m going to buy some meat for the soup I’ll make tomorrow. After that, we’ll have dinner and then we’re going to a birthday party. 


19:03 (07:03 PM)  

Man… Every time I drink something, anything, from water to whiskey, I need to pee almost straight after. I need to go every 30 minutes anyway, even when I haven’t drunk[? drink, drank, drunk… Present perfect is *opens Google* yay have drunk] anything. I have to make a doctor’s appointment here in the Netherlands, but I really don’t want to see that bitch x_x. She’s forced to help me now that I have a doctor’s note from Germany. 

I’m very tired again. I wish I wasn’t bed petty… I used to go to school full time, have basketball practice twice a week and a game almost every weekend and have two side-jobs, when I was 16. I want that endurance back… But unfortunately, I’ll be napping until slightly before we go to the party xxx


20:46 (08:46 PM)  

I want to mention something about the contrast between Lil Fangs on and Dominique Elia in real life…. Because there’s a huge difference between how much I have to say here and how much I say in real life. Not that I can’t talk as much in real life. On the contrary, I can’t wait to have a stage to myself and be talking for hours straight haha. My real life silence is because all I can think of is what others who have been subjected to the plebian life don’t want to think of. I used to have a lot of anecdotes, but they’re all depressing, since my life changed, when I became trapped in the psychiatric system, so I prefer to not tell them. Because of that, I also don’t talk about my real feelings in real life. Especially because I don’t fuck with plebian shit haha. 

Anywayy enough about sad shit. We’re on our way to a party ๐Ÿ™‚ 


22:17 (10:17 PM) 

I’m happy to be at this party I wasn’t invited to. I didn’t know what to expect when it came to clothing. I’m so fucking underdressed HAHAHAHAHA 😂. I’m wearing the pants from my suit and my black Adidas sweater, because the dresscode is all black. And black high socks and my black sneakers. I should have worn a dress ahahahaha….. 

23:03 (11:03 PM) 

So I usually don’t drink at family gatherings, maar als er een schaap over de dam is, volgen er meer…. I’m having a lot of fun ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Cheers ๐Ÿ™‚


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Friday, December 14, 2018

02:22 (AM)  

Okay I’m drnk. As tck t cpbt. Cate agount autovorrwcth 

I patu qltuct to much strength j car  wtjpbtbbbj


 Red bj.  En hhhcjcjrbt e reoejentiu 

Thrve whh i cihen sar i

I shouldn’t cate 


Clabiur aytovorrecr 


Suppper klrrekt 

13:42 (01:42 PM) 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I hope you still love me ๐Ÿ˜€

The party was a lot of fun. I found my friend the best DJ of the night ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I see the looser version of myself poetically worried about the clarity of my writing… 

I’m going to try to get myself out of bed…

Here’s a picture I took before going to sleep:

They bought me a kip 6 โ™ฅ 


15:52 (03:52 PM) 

I had such a great time dancing and meeting my friend’s girlfriend last night :D. If it wouldn’t cost me brain cells and money, I would go out every night haha. 

From stalking my B, I know today is the last lecture of the second block. I felt like crying, back in 2016, when I was following the course and “it would have been the last time seeing him”. I love the way he gives lectures. From his energy to the parallels he draws between the course material and today’s society. [I quit studying a few days before the final exam. I was too inspired in my self-study and didn’t keep up with the homework during the block… The subject and he inspired me to seek more information about other subjects. It was too much material to study at once and pass [bad Fangs ๐Ÿ™ ] and I would then have too many resits I would all have to pass to be allowed to stay in the program. It stressed me out. Quitting was the easiest way to rid myself from the constant stress. The stress made me lose focus when I tried to study, so I decided to solely focus on my sole proprietorship. After I quit, B and I mailed back and forth and met up to talk twice.] If I were to dash out of the house and into the train right now, I might be able to catch him….. Should I try it…? I miss chilling with him. But my proposal isn’t finished :(. I could pitch it, maybe… Maybe he already has plans for after it, though ๐Ÿ™ . It would be so awkward travelling for more than an hour and not seeing him. 

I want to get closer to achieving my goals every day, so every day I need to do something useful in that context… 


17:09 (05:09 PM) 

I don’t know if I should regret not trying, because I haven’t tried it. That goes for a lot of things. Currently, it’s not for randomly showing up at that lecture of the course I’m not even following (anymore ๐Ÿ™ ). I have no idea what I should say, really… I hope “my parents” didn’t destroy his reputation the way they destroyed mine, with their public fucking false claims ๐Ÿ™ . I haven’t been able to reach him ever since. Why? :'( 

What’s the point of doing all of this, if he never comes back to me? ๐Ÿ™ The life I want to offer all of you is much better than this one. But I need the assistance of some Graeynissis to be able to shape it. 

Ah, meow. This headache is killing me x_x…


22:56 (10:56 PM) 

I’ll touch on the step of today, the holidays [ :'( ] and my feelings. 

So even though, after I got kicked out a few weeks ago, I’m trying to distance myself from “my parents” for the rest of my existence, my mother keeps texting me. She sends all of this I love you shit, so I would feel like a jerk if I were to not respond. She mentioned that “my father” was going to visit a friend in Amsterdam and that he could bring my new bank cards [since my bag got stolen when I was in Germany, somewhere last week or something] and other things I need. 

I did not want to see or touch him, but “I had no choice”, because I need my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. I now have my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. When he came by, everyone stood up to greet him. I could barely look at him. My body refused to stand up for him. But when he approached me to say hi, I gave him three kisses. 

We were acting all casual, but on the inside, I was so angry and ready to continue that fight of the day he told me that I can fuck off. He had the nerve to ask: “Ga je die grasmat nou weer in je haar doen?” And I just said yes. He’s fucking dead to me. 

When he left, I didn’t want to touch him again – but I don’t want to make a scene in someone else’s house – so I gave him one kiss. And then he said: “Three.” Words can’t explain how fucking pissed I was, but I did it. 

I immediately started to untie my twists, when he gave me the big bag with clothing, my glasses, my wig and two out of three bank cards. I feel less attractive with twists, compared to when I wear my wig, I’ve noticed. 

By means of justifying my productivity: I function even better when I feel better about myself, so today was a good day, because I changed my hairstyle. 

Random mid-untying picture


My wig is now hanging in the shower to dry, because I washed it. 

What are your plans for the holidays? 

I don’t really have any. That there are holidays doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to see “my parents” ever again (actually). So for Christmas, currently, I’ll follow the family I’m staying with. For New Year’s, it will probably be crying in my bed all day. On the positive side, this bed has a way better mattress than “my” bed in “my parents” house. 

If I’m very honest, I’m so sick and tired of the continuous routine in this life. On Planet Fang – the corporate island I hope to fund – we’ll party differently. It will not be the same shit every year – I don’t understand how people still enjoy it after a zillion times. 

In D.O.C.I.S., I mention that I wanted to organize a benefit for the Saturnalia, but since no one is participating yet, and I need a team to be able to hold it, I, very unfortunately, won’t be able to do that. 

My head hurts so much, oh my god x_x. I wish I had a Christmas B ๐Ÿ™ . And other Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™ . And a house in California… 


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, December 13, 2018

00:01 (12:01 PM) 

Will this be the strategy that leads to clarity and success at once…? ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m now working on my official proposal for The Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis. If I could find some Graeynissis who would like to mark it and invest in it, I would become the happiest Cuddle ever :D. 

This will be the new cornerstone of D.O.C.I.S. International. When I’m done writing it out, I’ll adapt the website to it. 

Here are some pictures of my screen [I’m still editing it]:

Capital T for serious history and trying to feel self-love reasons… The subtitle for colloquial Cuddle reasons… The no front page and content list, because I hope to be able to keep it short… 

I’m excited ๐Ÿ˜€

01:29 (AM) 

I hoped to be able to finish it in one night, but if I continue now, I’ll see the sun rise, and that’s not good for my sleeping schedule and my health. Plus, I’m going out this evening… 

What’s the procedure on internationally assembling Graeynissis, for an independent project? [Hahahahahahaha]

It’s not via an online ad, for sure. And E-mailing hasn’t worked out for me in the past. If only I had a B… Or if those who can hear me reason would approach me… When the proposal is finished, you’ll have a mentally safe ground for doing this :D. 

I guess I’ll just change things around and hope that those who decipher my diary posts will love it. It’s the way to do this :D. 

Soon enough, you’ll be done deciphering this! It’s time for something new :D. Sometimes my writing is an explanation to myself and sometimes [hopefully mostly…] my writing is an explanation to the reader. When I break something down to myself, details that are obvious to me are left out, to save myself from writing too much. 

More than 180 days of diary posts and I’m still without the right network x_x. May the proposal be the change we all need to see and feel… 

My heart feels hope again. Hopefully the feeling will become better and not switch back into heartache… I hope the proposal will receive engagement. Otherwise, I’ll have to go back to my previous university and go on one knee and say: “Baby, please take me back?” But the only thing I like about that – if I’d be taken back – is seeing my B, gazing at some hot people and getting a title in front of my name.  I want to be Illuminatus Intelligens, though ๐Ÿ˜€ 

I’m going to literally grab a bite to eat and head to bed.

I love you soooo โ™ฅ


Please be my Cuddle โ™ฅ

xxx – 

11:00 (AM) 

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚

Hopefully I’ll be able to finish my proposal today. The sooner the better, because I can’t wait to get started for real :D. 

Other things on my list for today are buying groceries for and making dinner, and hoping to find something nice to wear for tonight.  And dancing, of course :D. 

I’ve woken up tired again, though. My alarm is set for 11:30 (AM), so I’m going to nap until it goes off xxx 


16:33 (04:33 PM) 

I don’t know who to ask for an investment for this Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis research project of mine… Earlier, I mentioned it being those who check [rather not mark, because if it’s not an A+ I’ll cry on the inside for the rest of my life lol] it, but I want to pay them for it… So much that they’ll quit their jobs at whatever Graeyniss place they work now and be my Cuddle forever! 😻&#x1F63B; . 

I’ll just finish the proposal and change my business website first. Then I somehow need to attract Graeynissis… I hope I already am…? I hope I don’t need LinkedIn for this, because only having a few out of context connections in my current social life isn’t helpful and it looks awkwardยฟ

By the way, I’ll be in Club Nyx tonight. The party is called Sugar Daddy. I’m always alone, even when I mention where I’m going on my blog, but as always, feel free to approach me and say that you read my blog, bitte. Then I know what I can talk about with you 😻. I know it’s not a usual place to find an investor, but it would be so funny to say: “We met at Sugar Daddy.” 😂😂😂&#x1F602;

Haha meoww you would save me from working past my limits. I talk about writing a historic thesis, while I need a doctor, otherwise the historic thesis will never be there ๐Ÿ™ . Haha doctor as in medicine doctor, but also doctor as in any other discipline doctor, because I need these Graeysss ๐Ÿ˜€ .


19:18 (07:18 PM) 

I’ve touched on everything on my list. I bought groceries, but no one’s eating at home [I say “home”, but I’m not registered here], so I just ate some left overs from yesterday: stir fried vegetables and shrimps ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I wanted to finish my proposal before going out, but I’m too tired ๐Ÿ™ . My heart still wants to dance, though. It was one of the few moments I felt happiness, in the Suicide Club in Berlin last weekend. I want to feel like that again ๐Ÿ˜€ . 

Also, I need to change around my business website as well, to really be done [with my new display, hoping that this one will lead to something], and that I won’t be able to do in the same night, so I’ve now justified me not working but taking a nap enough to be at peace with my decision. 

Next week Wednesday, there’s this event by my last employer. I’ll use that as a deadline. I hope I’ll see my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ˜€ . I hope I’ll succeed in explaining what I’m trying to do this time. I hope I can still somehow convince him to be my Graeyniss. [Secretly that is, again, the only reason why I’m going. I really suck at small talk with colleagues… Because I have such different things on my mind.] Haha meow why am I always chasing people I can’t reach and being chased by people I do not want to have in my life… 

I’ll be napping until ten xxx


21:36 (09:36 PM) 

It’s not easy for me to fall asleep, even when I’m tired. I’ve been regularly smoking weed for quite some months in a row, so that I’ve gone cold turkey might play a role. I’ll take back my statement about going cold turkey if the official diagnosis says I’m physically ill. Then I might decide to live on edibles… 

One of the things I love about staying here, is that they encourage me to take the rest I need. “My parents” always complain about me being at home too much and “my father” always “wildly” wakes me up [by switching the light on, splashing water in my face, loudly knocking on the door, pulling the sheets away and/or anything else fucking fucked up] when he finds that I’m resting too much. He and this person I was staying at before are both convinced that I’m not sick, but lazy, so when it turns out that I’m sick, officially, they’ll regret their words, because I’m so pissed off from their stupidity believing that they know better how I feel than I do myself. Oh, grrrr. 

It’s almost ten now. I’m going to get ready. Earlier today I went to the clothing store a few minutes from here, to search for something with short sleeves, because I always get sweaty from club heat. There were three shirts with short sleeves: one with a print of a skull and roses, one with a print of dollar bills and one with a print of Marilyn Monroe and two handguns on it. Haha I picked the last one. I also bought sweatpants. It cost me โ‚ฌ12,50 in total ๐Ÿ™‚ . 

I’ll be right back xxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

00:54 (12:53 AM) 

It was nice, at the gym. It has been a literal decade since I’ve done pull-ups. I’ve pushed myself beyond my limit, though. I always squat with a bar on my shoulders with 10 kg weights on each end. At the second set, my legs were so shaky that I switched to light cardio and yoga for my cool down. (While I should have just stopped completely, actually…)

The regular random picture of the screen of the cross trainer I often make when I go to the gym haha:

I call someone my Cuddle, when I want to keep him/her in my long-term life and allow him/her to access to my corporate state, if it were to ever become my reality. [For the sake of quality and prosperity, everyone has to make the Nosce Te Ipsum personality test and have a similar type of life’s philosophy – the test could show – to enter.]

Every time I see someone after a long time, who I’ve last seen before my life became this psychiatric drama, there are so many things I want to say, but I’m too scared to get hurt to say it. Every time. The last few years have brought so much shit with them, that I now actually don’t ever feel true happiness anymore. I can’t even truly laugh about jokes. On first sight, I always think: How would the old me have greeted you? I try to mimic the happiness and positive energy I used to show in my happy moods – it was, back then already, more pushing fucked up thoughts aside and trying to give everyone a good time – but I now worry too much about the way I act and that surfaces in my energy every time. I always think: You’ve heard all kinds of things about me, when I was missing. On the one hand, I really want you to vent about your experience. On the other hand, I don’t want to know, because the people I have asked made me feel so shitty by putting guilt on me for making them worried. As if I did it on purpose x_x. (Not knowing might save me some hurt.) I wonder if it changed the way you think about me. I wonder what you think now that you see me after so long. 

I used to be quite good at small talk, but now I really suck at it. After those days of not speaking and having to learn myself how to have a conversation again – I hadn’t even told this to those psychiatry motherf***s, because they were far too busy with how to define my dear Benoรฎt as my psychosis – I hear the algorithm in every small talk and/or “serious social justice warrior [I learnt this term from a Graeyniss (= Cuddle) I met in Berlin] debate”-conversation. That awareness and that I have completely different things on my mind, makes me want to hide behind closed doors. But I always keep trying to stay semi-social. The fucked up thing is that I associate everything with my traumas and that I sometimes unintendedly vocalize this in a conversation, but I try to keep this to a minimum, because it’s often unrelatable and it sucks all of the energy out of a conversation. 

One of the two Cuddles is a DJ [he’s a very good rapper, too, by the way] and he invited me over to a party where he will be spinning, on Thursday. I’m excited :D. I love expressing myself to music so muchh. Also, it might be the first time I catch this Cuddle without his ally. I’m very curious to see this side of him. I hope he might understand my emotionsยฟ “Relate to” is even better, for me, but not for him, so I say “understand”. 

There are so many energies I try to free myself from. Going into Fangs mode on the dancefloor always helps, haha. Too bad it’s temporary XD. I shouldn’t drink too much, but I love the buzz and the not caring about the way I move my body, when I’m only slightly able to control it. 

Note to woken up self: Ik weet dat telefoneren kut is, maar bellen voor een pasje gaat altijd heel snel! Des te sneller ik achter die dingen aan ga, des te sneller het allemaal achter de rug is! Na het ontbijt is het tijd om te bellen. En ook om die ene Duitse snelheidsboete te betalen… [X_X]

Busted for driving 14 km/h too fast

Meoww there were quite some other things I wanted to mention, but I need to listen to my body and go to sleep (three weeks ago or something, haha, says the headache I have from being tired) 

Good night โ™ฅ 

xxx – 

03:54 (AM) 

I’ve finally given in to my midnight hunger:

It’s a Moluccan fish dish with mackerel on the left and some bami and chicken on the right

I usually keep letting my stomach make alien sounds until I wake up after sunrise, but that always makes me wake up tired, and then I end up eating breakfast around lunch time. Hopefully, I’ll now be able to fall asleep. 

What makes it harder is that, since I’ve been back in the Netherlands, I haven’t smoked any weed and I guess I got quite used to going to sleep high. I don’t intend to go back to smoking “commercial weed” that often. The high isn’t that comfortable anyway.  I guess it’s the whole routine around it, I love more. The process of rolling up and thinking: This is my treat. May the high be comfortable and give me new insights. I’m not giving myself any obligations for after smoking. Let the high decide what I’ll do.  And then having a break from writing or whatever I was doing, “to be mindful” as I have a moment to myself. I prefer smoking alone over smoking with other people, with some exceptions here and there. 

I feel a proper momentum to try to sleep again. Good night again! โ™ฅ xxx

20:37 (08:37 PM) 

Can you relate to my thoughts? They’re quite uncommon. 

Please love me :(. “I” am the living endeavor. I don’t care about anything else. I want to be an essential in your life :D. 

My heart aches so much right now. I have no idea what my next move should be. I’m thinking of unsubcribing D.O.C.I.S. International, since it’s going soooo fucking shitty from the fucking start. But if that’s out of my life, too, I don’t want to fucking exist anymore. 

I’ve been thinking of going back to the university I used to study at. I don’t believe in the education system, because I believe it’s better to learn in practice instead of for a test, but that’s not going to get me anywhere in this society, as you can clearly see. Without a degree, people think I’m too dumb to learn. 

A suitable course for me would be econometrics, but I want to be lectured by my favorite lecturer – my B [the decisive reason why I would actually attempt to enroll, because I really detest the absorption of my free time. I’ll barely have time for my business, just like last time, and I won’t be able to travel whenever. But it’s the only way for me to see him again :(] – so I’m thinking of applying for the course on economics and philosophy. 

I’m praying for a better alternative, though, because I detest the full-time student life. [Yeah, of course: “You should be grateful that you can study.” Ah, grrrrrrr. I would love to give my shot at studying at those who aren’t able to.] I’d bind myself to the Netherlands for four years, by enrolling. I’m far to PTSSy to be the jolly student who goes out for shallow conversations and beers every week. I’m also allergic to social justice warriors. They make me want to hide in my bed, because my perspective on life is so different. 

Many people don’t understand me when I say that I suck at school, because it’s too easy for me. You could give me a book on any subject from any year of study and tell me to make a test about it, the next week. It’s the same algorithm every time, in a test. I would much rather use it in practice right away, since I have soooooooooooooo many ideas for concepts in which the knowledge hasn’t even been used yet, ever. Really! I have an idea to put this into practice, because it’s really possible, only I don’t have the network of Graeynissis who could back me up. 

[By the way, I’ve now completed the list I made two days ago, only the overture is now changed to working on my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis proposal.]

Okayy I’m just going to work out my propisal for the Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis – may that qualify for multiple degrees, please, my team of currently non-assigned Graeynissis, who are qualified to mark my workยฟ That’s “my next move”. It touches on subjects that are not given by one university, though. How do I assemble so many Graeynissis at once? :'( 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

00:14 (12:14 PM) 

Has anyone seen my B?  ๐Ÿ™ Could anyone send me a B? I need an investor and right hand, bitte… I also miss him in general :(. Living without him is not good for my heart, my meow.

Here’s a picture of the dinner I was happy to eat, yesterday:


And after having had a nice conversation with my unofficial relatives with whom I’m staying – they say they’ll never kick me out ๐Ÿ˜€ – I later wrote in my new notebook:

I’ve been postponing blocking my stolen cards – they’re empty as fuck, I don’t want to tell them why I lost them [at the hotline, they always ask and then sometimes give their opinions I don’t want to hear. En dan: “De volgende keer niet meer doen hั?” Echt, hou je bek gewoon, alsof ik het met opzet deed ofzo x_x] and I have no income so ah meoww – but it’s on my list for tomorrow. 

I’m the last person in the living room. I’m going to shut the lights off and get ready for bed etc. 

Good night! 

I love you to the moon and back

Let’s build a spaceship? :p

xxx – 

13:30 (01:30 PM) 

I typed five long paragraphs and then the app crashed when I wanted to upload it :'(. I ended it with that I’m going to take a nap, but now I’m writing this in my bed. I’ll summarize what I wrote down:

I hope people will purchase things from me, when I have a professional team behind my works. [Now I’m hocus brokus… As fuck x_x.] Currently, I only have some prospects, but I need more powerful people actively on my side, first, so that I can make some real shifts. “I’m not from the right class”, so it’s hard for me to find the right ones, though…

I also need an investor for my health expenses :'(. Not again will I put my fate and faith in the ugh of the Dutch health system, since that has blown up in my face far too often. The re-occurring infection that keeps resurfacing in my urine, including white blood cells, could be something very serious. It’s still untreated. I’d rather let it kill me, if I’ll keep continuing to live the life I don’t want to live. 

I wanted to go to California healthy, but maybe it’s better for me to be treated there, if that’s possible… I can’t afford it, though. Just like living there. Otherwise, I would have already been there! Meoww please save me :(. I would already be a 90% happier person, solely from going just outside my own house and seeing palm trees 😻😻&#x1F63B; And seeing happier people because of better weather and more ambitious people, because you need to earn so much to maintain the large amount of living space. Something I can only afford on a high pace by growing out my sole proprietorship into a multinational. By working for a boss full-time, at the ANWB for example, it will take decades before I’ll be able to emigrate. I don’t have patience for that. Especially not because I don’t even want to continue to live if my entire life is just the struggle of getting there and not about going further when I’m finally there. In the end I want to have my own state, remember… :(. 

It feels like such a waste of energy going after my passport, driver’s license and bank cards, since I don’t even want to live in the Netherlands. [I do love to be here, with my unofficial relatives, but still, I really need my own place, for my true independence. I still feel like a sheltered street cat… Meow :(. Mag ik een Cuddle? :D] I wish I could get them from the US, but I don’t have an address there. Or money x_x. Meoow I wish I had a manager or something… Only my B I would give the authority to be my official manager – sorry – since he knows me the best. 

I love the indirect statement I make by, as someone who was born and raised in Rotterdam, now staying in Amsterdam. I find the rivalry between the areas such fucking bullshit. It’s only an hour away from each other. People are almost born into what soccer team they prefer. That shouldn’t be a reason to hate someone you don’t know. Especially here, in the end, it will all be Atlantis one day, so hating really doesn’t even make sense. 

I think it’s the untreated infection flowing through my body that makes me feel so tired all of the time, partially. Of course, my aortic insufficiency plays a role, too. 

Meoww I’m now really going to try to take a nap, because I’m tired asf, still, but I always feel the most unproductive when I hear people come home from work and I’m still in bed. So I’ll try to limit my resting until max 5 pm ๐Ÿ™ xxx

16:39 (04:39 PM) 

The weight loss I’ve had from – don’t try this at home – when I’m hungry and tired at the same time, giving in to my fatigue and postponing eating, especially when there’s mediocre nutritional value. 

Check it outt

October 10 [the ECG is from doctor Cuddle in Meerbusch, Germany]

Right now. I’m thinking of taking out my extension twists and switching back to afwisselen my natural hair and wearing a wig, like there. 

Too bad I have facial hair, so modelling will be un-cuddle. I have scars on my face from plucking it. #isthatawkwardยฟ #beingintimatewithFangs hahahahahah. People make jokes about it :'(.

So at first, while I made those pictures and thought: Ayy I don’t want to suffer from this health struggle anymore because it makes my suicidal thoughts go crazy. I first thought of, now that I’m here in Amsterdam, renting a car to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany and let him finish the examination. He deserves the credit big time. I’ve never had a more comfortable doctor. [Can’t I just take him with me to the US? ๐Ÿ™ If he wants that…] But I’m without a passport, driver’s license and bank cards, so that will be mission impossible. 

Only when I visit my phycisian, I don’t need to have any cards or whatever with me. The problem is that that bitch got me in so much trouble, I become far too PTSSy when I think of seeing her. The last time I saw her, I asked for a note to visit the hospital for sleep research, because I have so many complaints, it’s better for me to indicate that I have them, when I have them. This was when I was just transferred from a general hospital to a psychiatric hospital. She said that those health complaints are “just part of my psychosis” and that I am not “wilsbekwaam” [ = sane enough to make my own decisions] and that she only wants to talk to my “psychiatric parole officer” instead of me. I told her that she has this bias because my mother uses her as her psychologist and I let her ramble a short while with my “parole officer” on speaker phone, but at some point their conversation was frustrating me so much, that I professionally ended the conversation and fucking went back to the ward. I was walking with a limp, because my kidneys hurt, which was why I was in the general hospital. At some point “I was just occupying a bed”, because I had to wait for test results, so they sent me home, but I didn’t want to go home. They didn’t understand this and the pain I was in made me scream a lot, so they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital. There, too, I was in so much pain I wanted to scream, but I didn’t dare to, because I was afraid they would inject me with deadly shit and put me in an isolation cell, the way they did to so many other people I’ve spoken to there. 

It was my intention to fucking fu-cking neveeeeer see my Dutch phycisian again. Oh my god, if I’d see her now, I wouldn’t help but be able to yell things at her like: “ALS IK ZIEK BEN, KAN JE FUCKING OPDOEKEN.” = “IF I’M SICK, YOU CAN CLOSE THE PLACE.” Ah, grrrrr. It seems like I have NO OTHER CHOICE AH GRRR. But I only want the official diagnosis. Know that I’m not going to let myself be treated here. Most people who I’ve known who entered the Dutch health system for something serious and “time and money consuming”, haven’t survived it. I don’t want to be on that list. If I die, I want to die because I want to die, and not because my doctor is a noob. 

18:04 (06:04 PM) 

Ohh by the way, yesterday I bought the mix for the cake I wanted to make by means of saying thanks, but it was quite late and I was quite tired when I came back, so I’m making it today: 

Lemon cake ๐Ÿ˜€

It’s now in the oven. It will be done around 18:40 :). Haha I feel like making a Facebook post from it and writing: “Lemon cake… Beyond amazing…” as the caption, for indirect “I’m such a diehard B stalker”-reasons. Ahahahahhahahahah XD. It sounded funnier in my head 😅😅&#x1F605; [Of course I’m not posting it on Facebook :D. Ba-dum-tsssssss. I only post things “when I have to, in the eyes of marketing”. I try to avoid it, because I want my content to be seen and appreciated, but those who used to “like” my things are now spectators instead of engaging, since I’ve gone missing while I wasn’t missing, and people now think I’m an evil attention seeker [FUCKING DUMB IDIOTS], that’s quite a mission impossible in this country. It’s also hard for many to understand why I don’t use professional pictures [it’s because I’m showing you my perspective in the purest way possible] and why I speak American English instead of Dutch [because of Atlantis reasons & a larger potential reach & I want to become a native speaker and in the end make it in the US]]

Meoww I still haven’t called for those stupid cards and I still haven’t gone after my stupid passport. If I don’t kill my physician on sight when I see her, and she finally fucking refers me to the goddamn hospital [I swear far too much for the US standard, don’t I? x_x I swear less in real life… :(. I’m, by the way, a totally different person in real life, compared to my writing!!] – AND THAT IS AN “IF” [what the actual fuck… It should be a crime to have to put your fate in the hands of people who don’t give a fuck] – I can use my official diagnosis to start a fundraiser and stay petty. I keep going with the writing and formulating business strategies and stuff, while my body has been in “sleep 24/7, more I can’t do” mode for a veryyy long time, in actuality. I have quite some will power. I guess :D.

19:36 (07:36 PM) 

Ah meow, my impatience fucked up the cake x_x. The top was turning black and the inside was still wet. I ended up taking off the top and putting it back in the oven, but the inside is still not ideal. I’m putting it back in the oven. The way to prevent this from happening is by using a tin with a larger diameter. With baking, because of the irreversible chemistry, there’s often no way back after making a wrong decision. 

Meow :(. The taste is still nice, though.

It seems that, when it comes to these statistics, if I go on like this, December will be “””my best month””” of 2018. 

20:09 (08:09 PM) 

I’m on my way to the gym featuring my Amsterdam Cuddles. I wasn’t sure if I should go, because I feel tired, but I’ve been inside for far too long and one Cuddle who has joined us, I haven’t seen in soo long that I just have to go hehe. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Monday, December 10, 2018

00:28 (12:28 PM) 

My Cuddle โ™ฅ

I’m on the last train of many transfers since I missed that one transfer, because of the delay of the first train. 

It worries me that even though I have some publicity, I’ve still unwantedly been a girlfriend experience, in a relationship that is/was the greatest miscommunication ever. He invited me over to the spa for the next day, the first time I saw him. That I said yes to that didn’t mean that I wanted to be intimate with him. I’ve gone to a nudist spa center and there I could just be naked around men without being harassed. Someone who isn’t able to keep his hands off a naked body, shouldn’t work there. But it’s very easy to manipulate me. And I’m always afraid to break hearts, but because of that, I forget about my own heart. Far too often I allow people who I’m not attracted to at all touch me, while I actually absolutely don’t want that to happen. This time it had led to something I can still not believe I was in. What a waste of time… 

What do I need to do to get invited to a good public speaking opportunity? I’m trying to become immortal. 


01:57 (AM) 

Ah, my Cuddle, I’ve been received here with so much love, it adds some silent tears of happiness to my silent tears of sadness. I’ve been given a key to the house already and after the tea and the large plate of nice food, I felt even better! 

My bedroom could be an Airbnb. That’s how good it looks, especially compared to my room at “my parents'” :D. I’ll show it to you tomorrow. I’m veryyy tired. 

Good night

I love you!


10:34 (AM) 

Good morning โ™ฅ

[I’m re-typing what I typed earlier, because the app crashed before I could update it :(]

I made myself a quick breakfast:

This is the first time I have to myself after more than a week. The rest of the family is at work. I wish I could surprise them with something, when they come back. My budget isn’t that high, because I’m still walletless. But I still have that cash of this party Cuddle. Maybe I could make a nice dessertยฟ Or something else… 

I need to call the tax office hotline today, for my login credentials, to prevent myself from being falsely accused of tax fraud. You’ll have to be at “my parents” for that, but they have been getting away with a lot of shit. Like in that missing report, portraying me as the shittiest child ever, so that it looked like they didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t missing, I was trying to get the fuck away from them. As long as that file full of lies exists uncorrected for, in this world of big data, I won’t be at peace. 

I hope I’ll also get to working on my business overture today. I think Amsterdam is a good place to search for investorsยฟ

Here’s my room:

Why closed curtains? Because I’m showing it to you the way I perceive it right now, breaking unspoken rules to define another form of freedom in self-expression, slight anonymity of location and I’m about to take a nap ehehe

The amount of flashbacks I’ve been living through – not even writing all of them down anymore, because they’re just so much – made it a bit hard to fall asleep last night. So I’m going to try to catch up, because I still can barely keep my eyes open.

Tot later xxx



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