Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, October 4, 2018

01:56 (AM) 

My brain needs rest, but my body is so full of energy. I should have gone running…

Another factor keeping me awake, is me pondering about my next move. It feels like such a waste of money to spend more than €2000 of the about €2500 in savings I have, on a scan of which you don’t know the outcome. [Other than that, my accounts are basically empty.] Maybe it’s €2000 to hear, “There’s nothing.” Maybe they’ll tell me that I have some disease. It seems fucked up to spend what I saved for relaxation, on this stress. To give up my holiday, to have someone tell me that I’m sick (again)… 

[That Dutch health care system where care was basically free is looooooooooong goneeeeeeee. Now they’re making profit…]

I need their findings to back up my court case, though. I’ve been asking for physical research, when I was in the hospital. Because of the stamp of “mentally ill” that was given to me, my physical complaints weren’t taken seriously. 

But their analysis was shitty anyway. In my medical file, these psychiatrists have seriously added the DSM diagnosis of “having trouble learning”. WHAT. THE. FUCK!?! I kept trying to explain that it was a conscious decision of me to end my studies and that that was not because I wasn’t able to do it. “I had two out of five resits left,” when I quit. I was too busy working on my PR business. They just couldn’t understand that I made that decision, and didn’t take that shit out of my files either. Ughhh the frustration. It haunts me to this day. The only way to end that, is by having a judge state the verdict that [not literally this] their bullshit can be taken out of my files, because it really is bullshit. If Benoît were to testify for me, I will win for sure. I have to win. At least then I can go on a comfortable holiday and live the life I want to live. Not in this gray city… 

I searched a translation for the word “grauw” and saw that it’s “grey”… But my word Graeyniss is a positive word….. Haha awkward? I is inspired by this impression of sexy wisdom and experience that is given by having grey hair (and wearing grey suits¿ :D). 

To back up my case, I don’t know where to start… I need to approach a lawyer first (right)¿ Pro Deo is what I can afford… The list of “health care professionals” who have figuratively stabbed me in the heart is ve-ryyyy large, by the way. 

Ughh this one bloke who came for a consult on behalf of a “psychiatric hospital”, while I was in a hospital bed, in so much pain, that I was first continuously holding my breath and my body was shaking. Then, this (******) says: “Act normal. I’m trying to make a conversation.” These words made my pain increase so much that it made me scream. This (************) says: “You shouldn’t give her painkillers anymore. Give her lorazepam.” I WANT JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I cannot fucking understand how people could have treated me like that. But I bet these false rumors have put oil on the fire. 

That same motherfucker said: “Dat is zeker die Benoît weer. Hij moet uit je hoofd.” And this while I hadn’t even mentioned him to him.
It’s also “funny” how many “professionals” have said: “When I talk to you, I don’t notice that you’re a schizophrenic.” Then, EVERY TIME, I said: “That is because it’s not true. You should take it out of my files.” “No, it’s still true.”

Some. People. Are. So. Fucking. Ignorant. That I now need a lawyer to get some fucking peace of mind. 

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I have these situations written out in full detail. 

I start the back story in the episode with that there was a lump found near my thyroid when I was very young, and that I went to de doctor for this all by myself. (The going by myself was not requested. It was just because I was already able to…) At some point I think I just didn’t go through with the research, because I was so worried, lonely and suicidal. The lump was found, because my throat was a little swollen and I had trouble breathing. It was never removed. The trouble I have breathing now is on a muuuuuuuch different level…. That’s why I don’t want to know… 

I have so many audio recordings of these shitty “therapy conversations” and summaries of their treatment plans and “findings”, plus my writings of the shitty emotions I was going through, to back up my case. (I was already “preparing the case”, then.)

There’s no way they’ll win anyway, by the way, because they have treated me as if I had a “rechterlijke machtiging”, but I’ve never had one. Yet still, when I was in the hospital where I wanted to get a second opinion, and, when I asked: “Are you open to a perspective that wants to prove supernatural abilities?” and this (*****) returned: “No. We’re going to give you medication. We just haven’t yet decided on what type,” I have said that I didn’t want to undergo that treatment and that I wanted to leave the hospital. THEY DIDN’T LET ME LEAVE. THIS WAS IN THE SECOND WEEK. I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THREEEEEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IN TOTAL!!!!! I couldn’t escape through the big double doors of which only they had a key… (I haven’t tried, but I’ve seen “other patients” try…) Ugh one of the worst things about being there is that they call you crazy AND they call you by your last name and say “u” instead of “je” [“u” = formal]. It’s so disgusting to hear that someone doesn’t take your words seriously, but then still uses formal language. 

Ah, on a site of a law firm that also concerns itself with pychiatry cases, I see that receiving a compensation isn’t unusual. *Feels slight comfort*

But is this “Oude koeien uit de sloot trekken?” [That’s what some of my backstabby friends have said.] That’s a Dutch saying, of which the literal translation is: “Pulling old cows out of the fosse.” The meaning of the saying is basically: “Bringing back a topic of conversation, which has been actively discussed in the past, but is now “almost forgotten”.” A person using that saying in a conversation usually doesn’t want to talk about the topic that has resurfaced. I was asking if it’s that, because they might say that I should have started the case back then? But I still feel like a shit because of it, to this day. In silence, I get these flashbacks and re-live the stress and hurt they put me through. Everything I see around me, reminds me of it. 

Should I put Nosce Te Ipsum on hold…? Until this is solved? I think you might have already been assuming that in the first place…. Haha I was covering myself in work the way I did when my grandfather passed away… 

The topics of my diary are so depressing :’].

Meoooow how do I get in touch with this B¿ With him as my witness, I can build ths most solid case ever :D. I wonder why I can’t reach him anymore. It makes me feel so crazy looking and sad…. I keep saying “He can back me up!” But since the police thing, I haven’t been able to reach him… I actually also don’t want to involve him in this drama, but I need justice. They put me through all of this shit, just because my parents tipped them about him being on my mind… 

It could be justice for him as well? My parents put the blame on him for me acting crazy. What drove me crazy is the psychiatrists not going away when I asked them to go away, and on top of that, not being allowed to leave the house, because people thought that I was catatonic, while I was shunning them, because trying to reason with them didn’t work and I got tired of trying… The thought of getting back Benoît as my friend, is what’s keeping me alive… I have never felt so comfortable in a conversation. I also had the feeling that I didn’t have to adapt… In most of my conversations, I adapt myself to the person I’m talking to, in the sense that I go with them in the topics of conversation they come up with, while I actually don’t care, and I laugh about the things they laugh about, while I acually don’t find it funny… I consider it a form of politeness. Lately, after years, it’s getting harder and harder to keep this up, though. I suppress my own personality so much… Lately it’s only to avoid empty discussions. Ugh, the directness… I hate it, but when someone does it to me, I can do it back in such a way that that person won’t experience life in the same way anymore. I don’t like to do that, so I swallow my words and take the verbal hit to the head. (Crazy¿) 

By not experiencing life in the same way, I mean that when someone starts to insult me for no reason, giving me the sensation that my heart can stop at any moment, I can break down the lack of talent, bad character and uselessness of that person in sooooooo much detail, that that person won’t experience him or herself in the same way anymore. I have never used this on someone. I hope I never will. But lately, I’ve been on that edge so often. With the whole schizophrenia bullshit… 

Meoww it’s 03:59 AM now. I’m hungry… 

04:43 (AM) 

I had a little bit of mashed potatoes [with zoete aardappel, pompoen, spek and andijvie. It was very nice] and meat stew. Now I’m back in bed, cuddled up underneath the sheets. [I say “cuddled up” in the context of (self-)coziness.] As usual, wearing only my panties. It’s the most comfortable way of laying down, for sure, I think :]. 

Soo for the current long term, it will be: scan, court case [I better win…] and then finally have some closure and live the life I want to live. My diary will be lit by then, I hope. Then chances are higher that people will engage in my business. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing books that don’t relate to the project. I’ve also been thinking about other ways of funding and how I’ve let myself be influenced by people saying: “Well, if you want to make a change, you need to be sure that everyone agrees,” too much. If you don’t agree, you’ll let me know, right? Then just make your own strategy. I also think the questions in the project are too difficult for the masses…….. 

I don’t want to be in the “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”, but ooh my godd my life will be so much better if I were to receive that compensation… My parents won’t give me a penny to emigrate. I need to pay for my student debt… I kind of like luxury… Not toooo much! I don’t like being flashy and materialistic. But I highly appreciate comfort and serious quality….

Maybe I’ll be able to get a hold of B when I do the MRI…? I mean, I hope the movement of my skull has nothing to do with magnetism… 

Cuddle me? 😀

I’ll be going to sleep. The thought of that that type of compensation already exists, takes so much weight off my shoulders… But the chance that I’ll lose still leaves a little pressure… 

Should I go to Belgium, for the MRI…? 

Haha, tot straks <3 

[= “see you in a bit”… Instead of “good night”, because it’s now 05:18 AM ahahaha]


05:30 AM

Random idea: since I’m a publisher, how about I seek for others who want to publish through me and I skip the whole thing where I ask the masses for engagement, because reading subtitles is already almost too much…? 

I think I can still change my business concept with ease, since I still have 1 life-time sale in total, haha *cries silently* [ahahaha just kiddinggg. I’ll be fineeee :D] but I keep getting more visitors… 

Yess meoww why didn’t I just stick to publishing works of these sexy Cuddles of mine? Haha sorry :D. I’ll be getting to that tomorrow. 

Should I then delete my Facebook page? XD

Ah meoww, my sexy Graeyniss, you need to tell me what you want… When does D.O.C.I.S. International look like something you can easily become part of, without any negative judgment from ignorant parties? When there’s no random fill-in-the-gap research? When there’s no Lil Fangs…? Meow :[. I need to win a court case for that :D. 

Okay, now I’ll really be going to sleep. Even though the thought of just sticking to publishing makes me hella hypeddd. I want to change up my websites again. But I always want to finish things in one day. If I keep going like that, my heart will start acting up even more… I’ll sleep on it. Maybe I need to win a case and then write a book? And keep the rest, even though it’s un-cuddle? I mean, I want to be a visible process of growth, so I guess that includes starting with “how I kept putting in work and didn’t get the engagement I was working for”. But then I did *something* and suddenly my career thrived and I could move out and do the things I enjoy doing. Which is actually not trying to get those who watch Netflix to stop watching Netflix… 

I need a hint, my Graeyniss….

Would you engage in truly anonymously asking me questions? I might try out, if you would…

Haha this reminds me of this impulse invitation I sent about research publishing……………. I’ll be throwing around this business soon… 

Meow, I’m outtt


06:19 (AM) 


Are you on ASKfm? 

13:08 (01:08 PM) 

Good afternoon 😀

So what I’ve realized is that Project Nosce Te Ipsum is a very demanding project… By that, I mean that I think that the project has so many layers and components, it might be too much work for someone to think “Let me do this…” And then there’s understanding what the components and layers are in the first place… 

I want to delete everything again x_x. And just only keep the fill-in-the-gap story… 

I want to delete and just publish and blog under the name of Docis. Or my real name… 

There’s no engagement in what I’ve done this far, so I assume you won’t mind if I were to take everything away, right…? 

Especially now that my Facebook page has a 3 out of 5 star rating… 

What the fuck am I doing…?  x_x

But as Δοκις, I can’t be publishing or posting any crazy shit… Deep down, however, I’m still going through these flashbacks that make me feel and say crazy shit…… 

As Δοκις, I also want a cool logo and cool pictures…

What the fuck am I doing…? x_x

I’ve also complained so much about people and stuff… That’s actually very unlike me. As in, before I was constantly going through flashbacks of the situations that have traumatized me – and before I went through other traumatizing things I haven’t even mentioned here – I was such a different person. Different in the sense that I used to approach and try to get to know anyone who comes on my path, I used to smile and make jokes so much… And now I’m kind of distant, because I’m so afraid to get hurt and traumatized again… 

I reaallyyy don’t like that I’ve made this shitty phase of mine public… As in I want to change so many things… 

I’m just going to delete my Facebook page…. What I’m doing is all wrong… Δοκις will not be having a Facebook page yet, because her audience is too small. I want to delete my Instagram account, too… I’be written such an odd response to a response… 

I really think that I’m ready to become Δοκις… Or Δοκισ…  I don’t remember if the ς is at the end of a word or at the end of a sentence… 

Meoww my impulses are all over the place… I’m working towards one thing always, though: causing a big shift of positivity in the way we live life. 

I’ll be writing one book that is the complete fill-in-the-gap story and only that and nothing more. 

And I’ll be writing a separate book about my changes…

I’ve scheduled some hangouts… This is kind of a big step for me… In the sense that I’ve been building a fence around my heart and I want to become my old social self again…  

I will not be deleting anything. I’m showing you my process… One day, these shitty books I’ve written will be just as appreciated as the other books I’ll write. Especially because of the contrast that is shown in them… 

I’ve just had such an awesome idea for D.O.C.I.S. International :DD. I’ll be working on it right away! After showering and eating…

15:42 (03:42 PM) 

*pushes the break* I’m killing myself with all of this work… 

But I do need to take that Project Nosce Te Ipsum thing away… 

And I want to publish other people’s books as well… And I want us to blog together… 

And I want to publish a free book… 

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

My appointment is coming Tuesday, in Düsseldorf. For cardiology and skull research. 

21:11 (09:11 PM)

My days as Lil Fangs are coming to an end… I can feel it… No more being captivated by flashbacks that give me heartache and cold sweat. I needed this diary to vent these feelings, for the heartache to decrease. This because I don’t want to bother anyone with so much hurt and sadness, while that person is trying to be happy. Also, if the response of the person I was expressing myself to didn’t include hugs and fun activities to take my mind off of it, [but them saying that I’m wrong and the other party was right for hurting me,] the heartache and my feelings of loneliness would increase. 

I’m dealing with a lot of cold sweat and heartache over the way my life has negatively changed. I feel grief for missing my old self. I want to be like my old self… [But I also let go of the being active in gossip and I stopped amplifying jokes other people make, including ridicule. I did this to fit in, but it’s actually nothing like me. Now, I can’t even act happy, when someone does this. My heart can’t endure these things anymore, and I want to really be myself, so I will never get back the same level of “popularity” within the same community. I’ve accepted that.]

Hopefully, the medical examination will get me a solution to the breathing and heartache issues I have, and show that I was right about what I’ve said about my skull in the past. Then I’ll finally have a reference to prove that the other conclusions drawn aren’t true. This will allow for me to propose a correction to my medical files, which will allow for me to emigrate. When this has happend, I consider my name cleared. I don’t mind being seen as someone who’s had a hard time, because this is true. But this hard time was because I wasn’t heard – while I kept pleading – and not because I’m a schizophrenic. 

Another wave of heartache coming up:

[Please just scroll past it. I’ll stop talking about this soon.]

So today, I’ve heard that in the message about me going missing, it was said that I left the house “in a confused state”. That is such nonsense! Seriously!!! What a disappointment :[. Why was that relevant information in the first place…? Whyyyyyyy do that to my reputation…? I had been pleading for being allowed to leave the house. Before, I wasn’t allowed to. [Not wanting to go back home is then a logical result, right? If no matter how often you say: “I don’t need this. I don’t want this. This is not helping me. This is making me feel worse. I’m fine,” people keep saying that you’re ill and you need to take pills and talk to them about what’s on your mind? (And then they use your words to solely confirm that you’re crazy and need more treatment…)] I couldn’t say: “But I might not be coming back,” when leaving, otherwise I wouldn’t have been allowed to leave. If I were really making a confused impression, they wouldn’t have allowed me to leave either, just like the weeks before that. In those weeks, I told them that I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through, with them, and that I’ll be able to solve it myself. I was dealing with my bank account going empty and my business not thriving. I was convinced that me being associated with them – while I didn’t want this – would make that worse. They’re not specialized in giving tips about doing business… 

I want to leave this behind. I want to forget that this has happend… The brain scan will give me closure, I hope… I’m almost convinced… 

When I’m working, I put so much pressure on myself, that my heart starts acting up and I get trouble breathing. There’s so much pressure on me, because there are so many things on my list I want to achieve as soon as possible. I hope the medical examination (and the compensation) will take away the time pressure. Then I’ll deliver work I’m more proud of, too. (I would also be able to hire people…)

Working on this book I’ll publish for free is quite relaxing. 

I wonder what my blog readers think of me… 

23:19 (11:19 PM) 

I wrote a “scrap mission statement” for my free book: [It won’t be in Dutch. I just find it easier to reason in my native language. I still want to show everyone…]

Meoww I hope that very cheap is also an option? There will be a loooot of blood, sweat and tears in this. Nosce Te Ipsum is not the type of book you can read anywhere, at any time. This book is… And I need to move outt pleaseeeeeeee. 

I think this is one of the best things I’ve ever written… (The new book…) I just finished the overview of the full story concept (what I’ve shown you is the overview of the introduction). 

Tomorrow, I’ll continue to be working on this. I really hope the content is something you can relate to! I’m very happy that I started to write this. It’s already making me feel so much more optimistic about everything. 

I hope that the solutions I’ve found for myself are useful solutions for you as well. I wish I could already show you the end result! But I’ll start typing tomorrow. 

Good night <3


Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

01:18 (AM) 

I just ordered some business cards, which will be delivered in 2 days :].

[I chose fast delivery, because I want to travel to the US around October 9th.]

I decided to stop the “I start a new post when I wake up”. This was something I kept doing, because I wanted to start my posts with “good morning” and end them with “good night”, but my sleeping schedule is already way beyond that…. 

The copyright texts of my websites are changed :]. Oh boy, I must have made such a random impression on you… 

Today, I want to go jogging (if it doesn’t rain [I have been chilling inside, by myself for sooooooo loooong it just makes me want to run, see other countries and meet (new) friendss]), change the description text @ the unpublished episodes, write a smashwords bio and answer the interview questions I posed a few days ago. 

I’m having some (caffeine free) tea now,  while eating a mandarin. This, while I’m running CCleaner on my computer. 

Haha I feel so grey when I describe the things I do. This makes me want to do the exact opposite? [Is that then a mid life crisis? HAHAHAHAHA] I actually prefer to do the opposite, but still, there’s a limit to the wildness I like to experience. As in I’d love to party and get intoxicated and stuff, but I want to feel comfortable in the crowd and remember the night the next day… I feel comfortable when I’m around people who party with that same intention. 

I’ve had different phases, though. There were years in which I didn’t drink at all, there were years where I got so drunk that I didn’t remember anything of that night. On those drunk nights, that’s where, I’ve heard, I got kissy… Ve-ry kissy…

Kissing is a lot more fun when you can remember it the next day, I think :D. 

I’ll be going to sleep now. 

Good night! 


13:41 (01:41 PM) 

Hi 😀

I can’t get out of bed… It’s funny how last year, when I was not allowed to leave the house by myself, because people were convinced that I was crazy [this was before I went missing], as soon as I got the chance to catch some fresh air by myself, I never wanted to come back to this house. And now I’ve spent so many days working inside this house, I’m feeling the same urge to be free. But by being free I don’t mean meeting up with people who don’t believe my side of the story, but say that they’re my friends, in the city I’ve been spending my days in, for more than 21 years. 

I thought of completely re-writing the The Unpublished Episodes text, but I’ll just make more clear what I mean by “help me clear my name”. I’m not trying to involve you in the drama. I also not trying to make you to openly take a side and “make online noise” about it. (But of course I would appreciate it if you would…) I just hope that you are open to my perspective. I hope that when I start the case to not get the regular “you were mentally ill first and you are healthy now” “declaration”, but a “I have been treated in a way I shouldn’t have been treated and this should have never been in my files”, you will hope that I’ll win this case. And that after the case, when I start my new life, you will become more part of it. 

The copies I ordered from The Unpublished Episodes and The U.S.H.R. are proof copies, by the way. Which is nice when it comes to saving up a slight bit [because I don’t pay for my share], but is a lot less nice when it comes to my future bookshelf with my own publications… Because proof copies have “not for resale” on them, and regular copies don’t… 

If you were my close friend and you would know that I’m saving up for Project Nosce Te Ipsum as it is described on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, would you buy a copy? 

People say that “I have money to blow”, because my father has a lot of money. But when I ask him for money, he tells me to get a job, so… I earn everything I spend myself. [Unless it’s medical bills or whatever, on such a level that they start to threaten to end my membership or sue me or whatever… But that’s because they don’t want them to take their stuff… Plus, most people I know of my age, have their parents paying most of their bills.] They don’t believe me when I say that. There’s nothing more annoying than people saying that you’re crazy and/or lying, while you’re speaking the truth. 

15:22 (03:22 PM) 

I’m making pourridge now. With rice and oats this time. Rice, oat flakes, cow milk, soy milk, cinnamon, vanilla essence, brown sugar, almond essence, nutmeg and a little bit of butter (not margarine) in the end. A fusion of rice pudding and oatmeal. 

I’ll start with the interview questions, because I think that is the most fun. 

When I’m done doing everything on my list, I’ll do some online marketing again. The thing with my target audience is that they’re not as active on the media I can market on. I’d be better off if I were to advertise on the back of The Economist or The Harvard Business Review (to which I had a subscription when I was 16). Hopefully I’ll still get some engagement, though… This worry about my success has tied a knot in my stomach. 

Haha my content should be more “on level Facebook”, showing you “I’m doing cool stuff. Look at how beautifully this project is developing itself.” “I’m only doing cool stuff and smiling from ear to ear in the many pictures I’m showing you of me together with other people who are also the face of success.” *Cool scenery* *Some more cool scenery* *Funny video* *An even funnier video*

I’ll get there…. Right……? I need to seek my support elsewhere than where I live now, I think… I still don’t understand why bad news about me that wasn’t even true can go so viral, but when I try to redeem myself, suddenly no one wants to spread the word. I feel so stabbed in the back… And this isn’t even my first campaign. When I was in the hospital, I was also busy working on D.O.C.I.S. International. When the people who said: “Yes, of course I’ll engage in your business plans,” didn’t engage in it at all, that’s when I came up with the idea to just “approach the masses” at once. But without an “achterban”, I make an odd impression… I hope you’ll be my achterban. I wonder what your age is… I think most of the people who appreciate my work are much older than me. [Which is cool :D. I like diversity!]

There are some people in this city who have supported me. It’s not everyone, who has left me. It is the majority, though… 

17:50 (05:50 PM) 

I accompanied my mother when she went to the mall. She had to buy some groceries and I needed soap and an infuser. 

I want to travel to LA really bad, but if I go, I want to live comfortably and have people to hang out with. My issue is that, especially if I’ll be marketing my project, I don’t have a budget for the holiday (actually it’s “the life” I want to live) there. [To start a new life there, I have to earn every penny myself, to pay my rent etc…] 

Also, my physical health has been acting up in so many ways, that it might be better for me to spend my savings on an independent MRI scan, somewhere abroad. 

I really want to start a new life, but I can’t go back to an office job for 40 hours per week anywhere… Not when I have this business… Not when I don’t want to be there and get a headache from shallow conversations…. 

I would have to work for at least a year, while still living with my parents, because why would I waste money on paying rent to live in an area I don’t want to live in… 

It feels so “x_x” to spend my last savings on an MRI [deep down I’m soooooo certain that they’ll find something, but I just don’t want to know. If I can’t get my business off the ground, I don’t even know why I would save myself…]. But I know that what they’ll find will back-up my court case. In the hospitals I’ve stayed at, I named my physical health issues, and they returned: “No, you’re just a schizophrenic. We’re not letting you do an MRI.” [And that while I told them that if they want to confirm that I’m crazy, which they never have and weren’t able to – yet still they put me through their fucked up treatment – they could “prove themselves” with a brain scan… “But that all costs too much.” Sounds like this relative of mine… It makes me feel a crazy form of neglection when people say that you’re not worth something they can easily afford.]

I dislike doing things like web maintenance, by the way, which is why I took so long to do it. It would be much nicer to have someone who’s specialized in it to do it for me. But I don’t have a budget for that. I want a new logo. And to not publish under the name of Lil Fangs… But it’s better to let haters hate on a temporary name. Why do I take haters into consideration…? x_x 

Meoww I need good advisors. By good advisors, I mean people who speak from experience and who really want to see me succeed. Not people who say negative things for the sake of saying negative things. Who don’t know anything about my process or what I exactly do, but just say: “Too much text.” Or, “I don’t like this color.” To get the appreciation of that type of people, I need very short animation videos with flashy colors and this deep sexy voice narrating it, with a slight over-do in enthusiasm. And then inculcate the content of it in many ways, on many platforms, until my brand says “established”. Only then they would work with me. 

I don’t want to request the MRI, but I have to, I guess. Just existing is already requiring so much energy. When someone tells me shit and I actually want to rage, but I hold back, my heart acts up so bad that I can’t breathe. That’s why I stay away from most people who are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic. 

Shout out to yesterday’s intense increase in web-traffic, by the way! 😀 <3

That is what makes me feel slight happiness… Hoping that those who see it don’t think “Too much text.” And “Too much complaining.”

Ah, I’ll be writing this self-interview, because I have a reason for expressing myself in a way secretly almost everyone feels, deep down. 

21:16 (09:16 PM) 

I’m already in bed… I don’t know why I get tired so fast… 

The interview, I’m writing on my phone. (Just like I write every diary post on my phone.) 

I think it’s better to wait with advertising, until I have a sponsor. Then I can make better ads, too. [Sponsor my “independent living”, too, please…? 😀 <3]

But where to find sponsors…. And how to not have my parents interfere in this…? I need my own place to stay… I reallyy don’t want a repetition of last year… I want my B back :[.

I think I’ll finish the interview tomorrow. I also still need to rewrite my book descriptions. (But I don’t feel like doing it…) Part of me wants to replace them with new books… But there’s so much hard work put into it :[.

Hopefully I’ll wake up with a solution…

Good night <3


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

13:21 (01:21 PM) 

Hi <3

I hope you’re having an awesome day :].

The D.O.C.I.S. International website will be finished today! Then submitting a sign up form will be possible, which will be reviewed. Depending on what path you choose to follow and on if our mission in life is similar, you’ll receive access to the private social network within 72 hours :]. The process is designed that way, because I want to have a network of people who can help each other get the best out of each other and who do this because it truly is their desire to do this and not because they’re opportunists who just want to earn from the future aspects of the organization. 

Getting access to the private network is free of charge. 

19:27 (07:27 PM) 

I want to travel so baddd. You should come with me :D. 

Hopefully I haven’t scared you off by stating that I want to filter out certain personalities. I just don’t want what happend in my personal life to happen in my business, so I have to be more strategic… 

23:35 (11:35 PM) 

I am so tired of hearing myself complain about the past… Part of me wants to delete every memory I’ve written down. 

But meow, I’m showing you my process… This is Project Nosce Te Ipsum… One day, my days of sitting inside and not being the face of 200% happiness will be over. The contrast will be logged right here! 

Is this Cuddle enough? In the context of ego boost writing? I love a trained eye! I hope you see my potential…

The D.O.C.I.S. International website is, apart from me having to take away the maintenance text and change the footer text [but the internet connection is acting up again], ready! 

Oh, I will change “find” into “live” @ “To state or define the way you prefer to give and receive love, as well as to state or find your strategy to find a life filled with love.”

If I would have any sales or any other forms of engagement, I would tell you this with much enthusiasm, by the way. Don’t mind me buying myself pre-engagement to show people that this is a very approachable project :].

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Monday, October 1, 2018

10:53 (AM) 

Good morning <3

I woke up with eyes more swollen than usual. That must have been because of the tears… Hopefully I won’t get a rant about looking high again… 

Today, I’m going to give you a recipe for the best soup in the history of mankind! My grandfather cooked me soup every Friday, when I was little. “Cassavesoep” used to be my favorite. I spoke about making this soup two days ago, with my mother. I’ll have to search for a moment to buy the final groceries I need, though. 

You’ll need [a translation in your own language because some ingredients I only know in Dutch]:

  • Schenkel 
  • Zoutvlees
  • Cassave
  • Kokosmelk [coconut milk]
  • Pimentkorrels
  • Selderij [celery]
  • Tayer
  • Gele madame jeanette pepers
  • Een bouillonblokje [a stock block… I’ll be going with vegetable stock]
  • Unions
  • Tomaten(extract) [I’ll be using a little bit of both]
  • Droge vis [sun dried fish, only for a taste accent]
  • Bakbananen [plantain]

I’ll show you pictures of the ingredients that are “traditional”, along with the cooking process. The soup tastes the best when you start cooking it waaaaaaaaaay before you eat it. So I’ll be leaving my bed soon… 

Haha meow, actually I feel like laying and cuddling all day… But this Project Nosce Te Ipsum page is not going to finish itself… Just like the sign up form, the page for sponsors and all of the ads I intend to make… 

12:02 (PM) 

I have finally caught the sound of the air alarm that goes off every first Monday of the month at 12 PM. People from abroad must consider it uncommon (and uncomfortable¿) to have such a “national tradition”? 

The Run It Back Freestyle by Kirk Knight has a similar sound sample. Haha on a beat it sounds good… 

What if a dike breaks exactly on the first Monday of the month at 12?

Oh I just saw a video and heard that they’re going to stop it on January 1st in 2020. Does that mean that then this country will flood? “Haha of course not”…… Meoww let me movee. 

Aw, Cuddles for those who remembered that the official book release date was the 30th and have visited this website because of it <3. 

12:45 (PM) 

Oh my god I can’t stand when my parents open my mail

If you’re not paying my bills, don’t fucking touch my mail

It was just a reminder that the tax report of my company is expected to be received on the 31st… Which I already knew… 

They used to open my mail and then rant to me about “the dangers of bad bookkeeping”, around the time I went bamkrupt. They did this after lost my last client, because of their interference. I don’t have unregistered income to worry about, so I wouldn’t mind if they were to randomly come over for “een steekproef”……

15:30 (03:30 PM) 

Meoww #no-ad [Scorpio is my new syntax.]

My other back-up drive will not last much longer, I think, from the sound that’s coming from it. It’s a few years old already… 

16:08 (04:08 PM) 

Haha omg

Haha the app I used tagged itself

Anyway…  😀

In reverse ehe

I diced the tayer and cassave. Now I’m adding hot water. This soup could be eaten with rice in it, which you should cook separately. 

The amount of coconut milk I’ve used

I’m letting it boil up once more

After that I’ll let it boil on a very low heat. 
If you’re making it, too, you should show me!! I would love to share it on here, or talk about it, or talk about other things :D. 

I’m “cooking out” some zoutvlees:

Meow… [In my case, it’s pronounced as a word, not a cat sound :p.]

The meat has rested in salt for quite some time. (“Pirates” used to lay their meat in salt, because then they could keep it for longer?) The taste of salt is so intense, that you should either lay it in cold water for a while, or cook it out. Even after cooking it out for a while, the salty taste stays. 

It’s a “full meal soup”. I’ve used relatively quite a lot of meat. Adding tayerblad is nice. (I’ve just quickly fried some bakbanaan (plantain) and added that to the soup as well. 

The dried/smoked fish should only be cooked in it for a little while. It is not recommended to keep the fish in the soup. When it starts to fall apart, you should take it out.

After dinner, I’ll be cleaning my room and working on the websites in my room. 

Eet smakelijk 😀

I put rice in the bowl first and then poured the soup over it

21:28 (09:28 PM) 

Vacuum cleaning I’ll do tomorrow… Haha I’m showing you the most personal side of myself… 

I hope you won’t mind it, if I postpone finishing the websites to tomorrow… If I start working on it now, I’ll want to finish it before going to sleep, which will mean another restless night… The choice of words on my business’s website is quite crucial (just like everything else, but still..). So I think it’s best if I sleep on it… Also, I’m having this crazy headache, which makes me want to cuddle up… 

I’d rather lie down and talk to you… It feels like it has been a while since I’ve done that. I’ve been so busy writing and doing other things. I can’t wait until I’m done! This because hopefully then we’ll be working on this project together… 

I want to make the project description page very clear! It’s a project in a format I have never seen in real life. I think I’ll be the first to put this type of project into practice in this way. I’ve used the word “certificate” and “thesis” as terms, but they’re used in a different way, in the sense that you are the only source needed to obtain the certificate. There’s not the usual literary research and surveying other people, as you might have done for other theses. 

What I have planned for us isn’t that formal… I want us to have real fun, while making a real difference… 

To make my campaign look more… What’s the right word…? More like a representation of my vision… I would love to make videos and pictures [I kind of miss modeling] and have my own music in the videos… But that’s the cool side of Project Nosce Te Ipsum: during the project itself, we only do the things that make us happy. At the same time, we’re diving into some serious things regarding societal change, and since we’re doing these things and other people aren’t, while they might still benefit of what we have done for everyone, it’s important that we make ourselves the most comfortable while doing it. 

I hope to be able to make an interactive video series for the project, for the online subjects to enjoy. [Not that much like the series of which I think the standard is followed too strictly and thus everything looks the same. Some parody of the standard could be funny, though.] For this, I need popular authorities in research, entertainment and/or business to form a group with me and share their inspirational life’s knowledge and to show themselves from a different side, by showing their approach in the project. We’ll be talking, acting, dancing, writing, painting, composing and/or anything else you desire to do. The path you choose has certain self-research related objectives. 

23:40 (11:40 PM) 

For a very long time I’ve been thinking of changing “Meow…” into something else. But what… 

Haha meow anyway

I would love to make pictures for the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ve been picturing Benoît and I making these pictures that express the fun and diversity within the organization. 

We’re both wearing formal clothing [grey suits¿], “but” posing very informally. Hehe I pictured this one picture where I climbed on his back, I have my arms around his neck and we’re both smiling. That picture says: “We treat each other with so much love, within this organization.” Right? 

It’s also an awesome way to end this “verzuiling” where people of the same ages, genders, races, etc. are expected to hang with each other. But I want over-experienced grey haired friends, too…? We have so much to talk about!  😀

Meow, my Cuddle B is turning 46 in a few minutes… I want to call him… But I’ve tried this so often already, in the past [after the police drama]… It just keeps ringing… [His office number… I didn’t dare to ask his number when we met. Could I do that? Should I have taken the initiative…? Outsiders could take it the wrong way for sure…] I really want to see him even more than usual now :[. Where’s my Cuddleee…¿

I let the phone ring for a short while and then hung up… Who calls an office number in the middle of the night, right…¿ I thought maybe the number redirects to his mobile phone… Meow this is so strange, though. He told me I could always reach out to him and we’ve had such amazing times talking in his office [or should I only speak for myself…¿]. Suddenly I can’t reach him anymore and I still don’t know why :[. I’ve been trying things like this since like July 2017… :[

I’m going to sleep now…

Good night, sweetie 


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Sunday, September 30, 2018

11:37 (AM) 

I went to sleep around 4 AM. There are a few tasks left over on my list, still… [It took me quite some time to find a solution to the header and slider overlapping @ the D.O.C.I.S. International website.] 

Luckily I have done all heavy tasks yesterday. I hope I can still start advertising today. This is what’s left for me to do: 

I still added some tasks yesterday…

I might still make an “about Little Fangs” page. One of the two book pages is already almost finished. 

Before I start to market my book, I’d like to have the answers to these questions published in an article [I think writing an interview as an introduction is more fun and more clear]:

17:28 (05:28 PM) 

I’m exhaustedddd haha…. 

This because I still need to make some more buttons:



This because I need better conversation than to talk about some celebrity’s liposuction I do not care much about:

22:16 (10:16 PM) 

I have literally spent all day working on my websites again. I apologize for not having any litty marketing specials on the official release date of my book. I hope that I’ll be done editing my websites before midnight, but the chance is not very high… I’m now editing the “About The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum” page. 

23:59 (11:59 PM) 

Haha I would take much more time for that amount of pages? Especially with my style of writing. I want it to be like translating Seneca… (Which it is…)

Is it possible to absorb the message of the book, when reading so fast…? 

Meow I’m done writing the long description of The Unpublished Episodes… Almost done adding the button links… 

I want to write a longer description of the first episode, but the episode is so short that I’m afraid of giving away all of the highlights…? This fill-in-the-gap story is waaaaay better…. It’s more of a satiric parody of every e-ve-ryyyyy single Hollywood movie now. Haha :D. 

Ohh by the way, I’ve created a newsletter :].

Ah meow the new slider has a small font on a mobile phone. On a laptop it looks normal…

I’m so tiredd. My head has been hurting for weeks. Just like my stomach. I just had my period today (random¿). I haven’t had that since I stayed in the resort in Enschede. That was in June…? (And now I’m a lot of pregnancy scares later…) Haha this is good news**

What’s chill about having your period almost never, because of being under too much stress since age 11, is that I can swim and have sex whenever I want to. [But that made me learn that one night stands/friends with benefits/whatever regular touchiness are very cringy. The only thing I do when I have sex, is trying to be passionate, while desperately trying to climax, while thinking about Benoît and how much I miss him, hoping that our paths will somehow cross again.]

People say being on your period is an excuse for acting like the definition of showing the most barbarian side of yourself? 

Tomorrow, I’ll finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website. 

I wish I had people I could to this together with, already. “Too bad” most people I know don’t like putting effort in things. 

Is it just me, or do some friendships just die after a few years, because you know all thoughts, beliefs and stories of that person already and it starts to become too predictable and boring? I need new friends… Who like “nerdy” things… And prefer speaking English over speaking Dutch… Where can I find you…? 

It’s 01:47 AM on the first of October now. I start a new blog day when I wake up. Or on the peak of my all-nighter.

It’s funny how, on the one hand, I’m “talking” to my dear audience on this blog, and on the other hand I’m covering my tracks, because a bunch of haters likes to laugh about my struggle. The type of people who want to laugh about misery, because they’re bitter and talentless, could consider me an easy target. I’m very lonely in my being this talented on this age. 

Meow, tomorrow is the Cuddle’s birthday… I have imagined myself emptying out my heart in a wall post. That’s the only way in which I haven’t tried to reach him yet, I think…? If I’m able to write that post in the first place? We couldn’t be Facebook friends for some reason anyway. I never asked why. I only noticed that my request wasn’t accepted… But we were still hanging out in real life and e-mailing, which is what I prefer anyway. (Video chatting would have been nice, too. I don’t like regular phone calls.) 

Why is me wanting to be with him considered a taboo? People assume that it’s for the money. [I have literally been asked this several times.] They don’t see that it’s because my other options are dumb people who say that it’s for the money. I want to do something with my life and seek the same in a partner…. Most people these days are only busy seeking social contact and maintaining the mainstream 9 – 5 routine. I don’t understand how they can’t be depressed as fuck if today you’re going to live a day that is way too fucking similar to the day you’ll live in 10 years? Again, hours of small talk they consider “big talk”, the same job with the same clients on the same spot, travelling the same route, eating the same things…. I’m trying to break the routine and they discourage me and tell me it’s impossible to do that. I wish them all the best in their routine I am not going to allow my project to alter. You might be doing what you like, watching Netflix, on your last day as well. (That’s me saying I’m staying polite to these people, while they’re actually such a clear waste of space and resources. They only bring hate to this world, elaborating on how new concerts and movies are bad, as if they actually have some form of expertise or as if they could do it better. Yes, they’re experts in not doing shit but gazing at moving images all day. Do you know the Allegory of the Cave? In modern times…)

** Me getting my period means a reduction of my stress levels. I’ve had my period three times this year. The first time I met Benoît, in Enschede and right now. I used to hate it, but now I consider it a very comforting thought that those antipsychotics haven’t made me completely infertile. Last year it was only after the morning after pill… In 2015, when this gynaecologist gave me a pill to spark my period and research it, I never got the results, because my grandfather passed away in that same week. I later still didn’t go to the hospital, because it was in the same hospital in which he passed away and I just didn’t want to see the same scene. I vividly remember the day on which he had passed and we were waiting in his hospital room, alongside his lifeless body, for the service to come and pick him up. We waited for hours… It’s one of the most painful memories I have. Especially because – don’t ask me why this crossed my mind at such a young age – from when I was very little, and I would think of a “How sad would I find it if this person were to pass away?” list, he was the number one person who should just die with me, because living without him is so hard… I loved him so much at some age it just became awkward. He has played the father role in my life, if you were to ask me this. The warmth in my character, I have from him. He and Benoît are the only men with that loving character I know. They’re both economists… I know hands down, if my grandfather were still alive, he would have supported me as an entrepreneur. All other snakes in my life are encouraging me to quit. 

I hope my reduction of stress means that I’ll see my Cuddles soon… I don’t like being in this city… I’m absolutely not looking forward to Friday x_x. The family is going to a restaurant for my grandmother’s 82nd birthday. I hope she won’t accuse me of stealing again (dementia)… I don’t look forward to having to find a way to socially last through that evening, listening to and trying to participate in the most shallow conversations in the history of mankind… 

Oh boy I need a hug after writing about my grandfather. I’m in my bed with my two pillows. I’ll be laying my head on the mattress – because the pillows make my neck hurt – and cuddling my pillow, pretending it to be Benoît, who’s all the types of men I miss in my life in one person. 

Good night


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Saturday, September 29, 2018

13:28 (01:28 PM) 

“Saving the best for last”… Today, I have the following things on my list:

  • Upload a new cover for the episode 1 paperback (because they want the full title on it… I used the ebook cover, which has a summarized title. Now I’ll be editing that image) 
  • Make a new menu @ Docis Int website
  • Renew the home page @ Docis Int
  • Make a mission page @ Docis Int
  • Make a project page @ Docis Int
  • Make a sign up page @ Docis Int
  • Make a sponsors page @ Docis Int
  • Make a login page and a menu for logged in users @ Docis Int
  • Edit copyright text
  • Make a few topics in the private forum [Ik zoek naar goede ijsbrekers…?]
  • Make an “about Lil Fangs” page @
  • Edit the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page @
  • Make a page for available books with links to the stores they’re available in @
  • Make new slides and a new introduction text @
  • Make it possible to sign up for the newsletters (Docis Int/LF)
  • “Buy some pre-engagement” @ Facebook & Instagram (+ Spotify), for “I only do it when other people do it, because I consider that a quality indicator” reasons [You really won’t regret participating… A trained eye will be able to see the potential of this project and ride this wave. (I intend to target trained eyes only… To shape a good community where everyone has “a friendly spark” with everyone.)]
  • Make ads @ Facebook, Google & Instagram 

Haha you can follow the process live… 

14:30 (02:30 PM) 

Haha meow… The links to the new first episode will be available after twelve am, I think… Will I be making my “books” page that late…? 

15:15 (03:15 PM) 

The author’s copies of The Unpublished Episodes have been delivered :]. Of course, the normal copy you would purchase, won’t say “not for resale”. (Because that is not an author’s copy.)

15:48 (03:48 PM) 

New cover image:

I also took away the random dot on the back of The Unpublished Episodes haha. 

I mentioned solliciting in Beverly Hills yesterday. “Solliciting” as in applying for jobs. Of course, that is something I do not want to do. I want to be directing Project Nosce Te Ipsum. 

If people engage in the project, after the launch, tomorrow, that’s what I’ll be doing. I really hope soooo… 

Either way, I intend to start a new life in the United States (and then later a private island, where our community members will live).

The first episode is 45 pages, by the way, of which a part is space saved to write down your answers inside the book. 

16:55 (04:55 PM) 

I just configured some mailboxes needed to process submissions etc. 

Have you seen the most funny playlist for a tea party yet?

17:32 (05:32 PM) 

Haha I seriously had to save the social network site of the website after a failed update – because the internet connection was acting up – by making changes “on FTP level”… x_x

I also made a logo for the website

When the re-installment of the social network addition is finished, you’ll be able to see the first changes on :).

19:12 (07:12 PM) 

As you can see, there’s a completely different menu when you log in :].

20:33 (08:33 PM) 

Ah, luckily the first episode is available in the book stores now, too :]. These are ebooks. The paperback is avalilable on Amazon. I’ll add the links. 

Ah meow I still need to eat. My family went to a party and will bring me some food later. I only have some granola bars to eat now. 

21:59 (09:59 PM) 

I made you a puzzle :]. [I’m not referring to the next following images only ;).]

No paid advertising [I’m only showing you the current state of affairs]

22:49 (10:49 PM) 

Haha a wild page that hasn’t been used, but adds an interesting layer to my story:

I’m not going to delete this, but it’s “not a useful page”, for this was before I unpublished the previous episodes. 

There’s no way I’ll ever unpublish the new episodes (because in the new version I don’t write about myself that extensive). 

01:37 (AM) 

Shout to a Cuddle for making such nice food! <3_<3 [Eating at this time of “day” is not recommended.]

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Friday, September 28, 2018

04:02 (AM) 

I’m finishing up… I’m quite satisfied with the result :].

Fingers crossed @ the book being submitted to the online stores in time, “ha-ha”………. [That means I laugh while being seriously worried, by the way, hahaahaha XD. What else can I do, right¿]

06:27 (AM) 

Whoop whooooooop

07:12 (AM) 

The paperback is done as well :D.

“Haha” R.I.P. to my sleeping cycle. As the sun rises, I’m going to sleep.

Today will be an “off day”. I still have a private social network to “finish up” “:D”.

15:53 (03:53 PM)

Haha I used this iPhone to find the link to my book in the iBooks store.

(I’ll still be doing equal pricing, though…)

I posted this:

(It’s both me XD.)

17:12 (05:12 PM) 

I think I have the right marketing strategy now…  I’ve also made a fixed price. This might work :D. 

Haha I still feel the pressure as if I have to write to make my deadline. But both of the manuscripts are submitted to the stores already, and [comma and, for overview of long sentence reasons…] one out of two is available in “all international” stores already :]. [Smashwords, Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Overdrive, Kobo, Scribd, etc…]

One of the few packages is delivered 😀 [no paid ad, just like all other things of brands I show]

To form my own opinion about popular content…

19:05 (07:05 PM) 

I’m at the mall with my mother now. I asked her if she was going to take her car to work today, because I wanted to buy new travel bags. 

She then told me she had the day off and proposed to go together. I said aiight. 

I just bought two SD cards (one for my phone, one for my camera because I used that one for my Nintendo Switch).

My mother bought me cream, oil and tea. 

I’m now fitting suits :p

Tallness (“Tallniss”) issues haha

Doen of niet doen¿

I got itt, since I’ve lost quite some weight and thus don’t fit my grey (haha Graey) suit anymore. I mean if I’ll be solliciting in Beverly Hills… 

I’m looking for short stay apartments there :].

Haha if I were to give a lecture, I’d rather wear a custom made suit, or a dress. 

Ah meow I’m so excited for travelling :D. Now I have a budget for doing things and eating hahahahaha. So I have a chance to meet new people now. And I could get a rental car for longer hehe. 

22:55 (10:55 PM) 


I bought us sushi for dinner. I was so hungry that I asked for part of it to eat while we were waiting for the rest haha

My mother bought me this suitcase

Some other stufff I bought for myselff

I bought the oil “against cellulite”, not because I have cellulite, but because I hope that will restore the skin where I’ve been going hammer, because this eczema is on another level. I do not want to see my phycisian, though. To switch to another one, I still need to go past her? [Haha why ask someone you want to sue for help, right? The last time I saw her, I asked for serious assistance, because I could barely walk. She told me she only wanted to speak to “my psychiatric nurse”, because she had spoken my mother about “Benoît as my psychosis” and doubted if I was still “wilsbekwaam”. I let her speak to her for a few minutes and then just left, because she said: “I’ll only help you when you stop refusing the antipsychotics.”]

I’m now going to bring my sister to her boyfriend’s. 

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Thursday, September 27, 2018

[Scroll to the italics for trippy fan-fiction¿]

12:41 (PM) 

Here’s a list of the ingredients I used for the rice pudding I’m eating… Right now… 

  • Rice
  • Almond flakes
  • Raisins
  • Cinnamon
  • Vanilla essence
  • Vanilla sugar
  • Almond essence
  • Sugar
  • Cow milk

It’s still warm :]. I’m drinking tea from matté and lemongrass with it.

I haven’t been able to break my sleeping cycle, where I go to bed past two AM and get out of bed somewhere between 10 and 12. It takes hours for me to fall asleep. It’s not that big a deal, though, because I often write until around one o’clock in the night. 

The hardest thing about leaving my bed, is letting go of my pillow. I always lay it “in portrait” [instead of the classic “landscape” position pilows lay on on beds] and wrap my arms around it. 

With my eyes closed, I focus on the movement of my skull, that has always stayed [but I can’t talk about, because that would make me risk getting stuck in a system I think shouldn’t even exist in the first place**]. I consciously made myself imagine the following scene:

It is early in the morning. Wearing only a t-shirt of him, which is so big that is looks like a shirt dress, I enter the living room that is a modernized space with a kitchen, dining area and couches etc. Benoît is reading a book on the couch, wearing a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, barefoot. His right foot is placed flat on the couch. His other foot is on the floor. He leans against the heightened arm rest of the couch that is custom made, because he is ve-ry tall. 

[This takes place in a penthouse in LA. We’re very close to the top floor, able to oversee the entire city.]

While walking into the kitchen, I notice he often looks up from his book to look at me, with such a loving expression in his eyes. I ask him if he wants some soup, too. He replies, “Yes.” I pour us some of the cream fish soup we made the day before. With two bowls in my hand, I walk around the bar  – with high modern bar stools on the left side – that surrounds the kitchen part of the living room. As soon as I step onto the ground of the sitting area, of wich the wooden floor is lower than the rest of the living space, I can see his full body. I freeze. The porcelain bowls slip out of my hands and shatter onto the ground. I couldn’t help but stare… D a m n… I feel my mouth starts to water… When our eyes meet [I was staring at a different part of him…], within a split second, he throws his book onto the ground and I, without a run-up, jump a more than five meter distance – the way superhumans do – to end up on top of him. 

I wish my feelings for him were generally accepted… With who else can I cook, travel, run, play sports, have non-shallow conversations, write, be crazy intimate, NEVER look at television unless it’s something from our network, do research, do business, learn new languages, translate Latin, play video games, make music, make a movie and learn the ins and outs of the system [so that I exactly know how to alter it without abruptly disrupting it]????? It’s so annoying that these non-parties have put me in a position where I risk(ed¿) losing him for no fucking reason, taking away my right to make my own decisions, while they actually didn’t have the right to do that to me… 

20:23 (08:23 PM) 

I’m having dinner with my parents and sister.

Course 1

Course 2:

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

17:27 (05:27 PM) 

“Should I start every online diary article with a form of “hello” and of “I’m very fond of your interest in me, my dear reader. That interest is mutual, so I ask you questions in my diary and I hope I’ll hear your answers to them one day. I hope I’ll get to know you better and that we’ll become good friends”¿” [I will be doing this differently, “from tomorrow onwards”. You’re still my Cuddle, though :D.]

I hope that the many alternative forms of the same message have been clear throughout my previous diary posts. It’s made to give people who are interested in participating in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, an update of the status of the project. It’s also made for me to vent things I can’t talk about with the people in my environment. I hope that there are some people left on this earth who don’t have the bias of me being “bad news” and “crazy”, and that I could spend the rest of my time with them, so that the things I need to vent won’t even exist, and I can be a happy Cuddle. Hopefully together with you! 

The things I’m venting here are a side-effect of the permanent bad image that (some/most) people now have of me, because of the false rumors that have been spread about me. 

I know it’s not very usual to show such extreme self-expressions of self on a website, but I hope I’ll find people who do relate to this and who do not consider me a bad entrepreneur, a bad writer or anything else bad of the many fields I’m active in, just for expressing how I feel underneath the emotions my physical appearance shows. It’s only in this way, because otherwise I can’t reduce the intensity of the underlying emotion I don’t let my body show. I also hope those who come across this can relate to this and, if the feeling of loneliness were to be there, feel less alone in this.

I know that (“almost”) e-ve-ry single person on the face of the earth has at least once said, done or experienced something that he or she wouldn’t want to share with just anyone, because, even though that one thing doesn’t define all of someone’s personality, some people might still base their perception of that person on that one thing that could be considered negative. In that way, “we have all been there”. The difference for me and some others, is the scale on which this has happend, and that it was beyond our control. 

By “beyond our control”, I mean that we didn’t have a hand in whether the message is sent or not. If I could have hand in the message that was sent, when I was “missing”, I would have said: “DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will make people “worried” for no reason and cause so much false bad publicity for me that it can ruin my entire future. The reason why I’m running away is because that was the only way for me to escape from the house you have locked me inside of. From the start, you knew that I didn’t want this and you still keep persisting your measures. The only way for me to breathe in outside air and move my muscles is by running away. I do not intend to come back.”

That I’m here now, doesn’t mean that I want to be here. I hope my attempts to work and live abroad won’t be sabotaged, like in the past… 

Because of what happend to me in 2017, I have no other choice but to “open Pandora’s Box” and point out why the rumors that have been spread aren’t the truth. This because the bias that has been caused by false beliefs, limits me in my professional life. I still have big plans for ways to improve life, I want to put into practice. It’s not possible for me to do that, if people believe that I’m a bad and crazy person, because of how I have been portrayed. It is not easy to recover from such a fucked up first impression, on so many people that it went beyond my own network. That’s actually even worse than “fucked up”.

18:29 (06:29 PM)


I wish I wasn’t showing you my issues with my parents anymore… I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself, but “we all know how that went, last time”...

It seems like my mother isn’t a big fan of my plans to work abroad. There were no positive statements made, only: “Who says you’ll find the right job?” “Who says you’ll find an apartment?” “Maybe you won’t get the paperwork.” She wants me to work and study in the Netherlands. The urge in me to live somewhere else, becomes greater every day. I want to go to a calm and pretty sunny beach. I’d like to live somewhere where there’s no (or less) cold weather. Some place where there’s a lot of (non-artificially planted) nature, where you can enjoy the sounds of it, instead of hearing cars, sirenes and honking trucks way too often on a day. 

If someone were to be enthusiastic about my ideas, I would just focus myself on that person and talk to him or her, instead of talking with people with a pessimistic form of determinism on their minds, believing nonsense such as “We can never know anything,” “Eternal peace is impossible to achieve,” et cetera. That shit is toxic. With myself, I notice that when I only meet people who believe such things, and I try to prevent silence in a conversation, I just start rephrasing things related to that form of determinism, because I have nothing else to talk about with them. Information about my project I don’t often share with people who answer: “Nothing, just watching TV or something,” to the question: “What do you like to do?” I seek people who would enjoy participating in my project. Participating means that you’ll be using your brain a lot and that 

I have opened the messages from the government, which I’ve mentioned a few days ago. One says pay €7.692,96 before the 18th of October. Another one says pay €961,62 before the 25th of October. For both, if I don’t, it wil automatically be converted into a loan over which I need to pay interest. I’ll have to start paying back monthly, within two years, it says. 

19:39 (07:39 PM)

My strategy for the new Nosce Te Ipsum was based on the words “clear and complete”. It’s a lot less long, compared to the first and second episode of the previous version of the series. There’s a lot more information about Project Nosce Te Ipsum and A LOT more information about the context of the fill-in-the-gap story. I’ve changed the context of our interaction to something more thrilling to “get out of”. I hope it’s now more clear that it’s a “book quest” that is indirect (self-)research. 

For the sake of light exercise, a change of scenes and seeing people of whom I think they’re Cuddle, I’ll be going to “the university” later. I still, in conversations, say “the university”, even though I’m not a student there (anymore). 

21:53 (09:53 PM) 

I think the new fill-in-the-gap story is an improvement, compared to the old one. It’s not exactly new. It starts in a different point in te story, less in medias res

23:02 (11:02 PM) 

Haha meoww I’m in the mood for something light and semi-sweet, but I left my bank card at home… Should I go home…¿ I don’t want to haha……. 

But I will, I guesssss. Some brandy would be nice… And I feel like eating wentelteefjes, haha. The fill-in-the-gap story is spread over two mini chapters now. 

00:36 (12:36 AM) 

Change of plans… I had a glass of water, haha…… 

I’ll make some rice pourridge tomorrow, for breakfast. I plan on having breakfast. In the morning… I most often don’t have breakfast… 

But tomorrow needs to be a productive day :D… So that means getting up early (they say). 

Here’s a link to the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which I haven’t promoted yet. 

Only if I submit the new episode before tomorrow night, I can be sure of it being in stores on the 30th. Meow… I’m doing my very best :]. 

I feel uncomfortable about promoting The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I at least just as much as Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, because I’ve written about my situation with Benoît so extensively, but I haven’t talked about it with him, because I have been somehow separated from him. This since the police issue. I want to know what happend :[. They’ve said he’s too old for me. But what if I dig greyness? Not that I’ve been intimate with him in that way. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t want to, though… Those agents, too, already had their bias when they interrogated me. So when I answered a question, they said: “No, it’s actually this,” as if they know my mind better than I do, “correcting” my statements. 

I miss him :[. The project I’m working on now, is based off the blueprint of the campaign I wanted to make for him, before my parents interfered in my PR business, by taking parental measures (while the company was mine and only mine). In this project, I’ve reserved a spot for him… 

I hope somehow I’ll be able to get back in touch with him. He’s one of the few people I can truly talk to :[. (In the sense that I can’t truly express myself in “small talk friendships”.)


On the trippy bill I got from the government: my preference goes out to paying the whole thing at once. At the moment I am far from able to do that, so I’d rather enjoy the rest of the money I have while it lasts and take myself on a mini vacation before I might go back to working 40 hours per week in beast mode. I just purchased a travel case for my Nintendo Switch, Sonic Mania [, I wanted to buy Super Smash Brothers, too, but I saw it isn’t out yet for the Switch] and two “popular” books I’ve wanted to read, but haven’t (fully) read yet: The Prince and Letters of a Stoic [some of these letters I do have translated in school, I believe]. They’re both in English. I always love to read books about which there’s a lot of controversy [while most of the people who have an opinion about it haven’t even read it], because there’s often a lot to reflect on, there. Just like when I read Propaganda by Edward Bernays… 

If I’m done writing etc. tomorrow, I could buy new travel suitcases on Friday… Should I go to Italy or California…? Italy is closer by, so I could stay there for longer, but I don’t speak Italian and I’m more interested in permanent residence in California. But I crave for Italian food from Italy itself… I’ve stayed in Udine and in Brugnera during separate holiday seasons, with my family and some family friends, years ago. And I’ve been to Rome on a ten day school trip. 

If it were up to me, I would dash out of here and go on a short holiday on the 1st of October, because I want to be by myself or be with people without a negative view on me, in a new city I [or we? :D] can explore. But my mother’s birthday is on the 8th. Also, I don’t know where to be on the 2nd of October. Benoît’s birthday… I want a Cuddle :[. I’ve literally been holding back tears about this 24/7, since May 2017. If these haters would know all of the shit I’m not telling them… Where’s my B? :[

I want to be close to where B is, on the 2nd. I really wish I could give him a birthday hug [and Cishes¿ als dat mag…] and the author’s copy I’ve purchased for him… He lend me two books, after a “hang out” [please don’t mistake it for a synonym of “doing nothing”… we were talking about very serious things], so I think it’s cool to give him a book this time. I don’t even have a clue of in which country he is… There’s something so fishy going on here, and I know some people know much more about my parents calling the cops on us. I don’t want to “open verbal fire” about this topic by myself again, though. It always became 2+ against 1. I’ve been struggling with my heart rhythm. I know a discussion where it feels like you’re talking to a stack of bricks will make that issue A LOT greater. 

My gut says they’ve imprisoned him. In the way I was interrogated, it really sounded like they wanted to frame him. But I’ve gone against the bias in the posing of their questions and I’ve said that he’s a good man and that I would rather leave with him, than with my parents [The truth, to this day..]. I hope my gut isn’t right :[. This situation is so strange… :[

Ah, meow, it’s 02:31 (AM)… Now it’ll be a late breakfast… 

Thank you for reading my randomness

I love you! <3

Good night


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

14:40 (02:40 PM) 

Hi 😀 <3

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I has passed all checks and is under review for the premium catalog now :].

I’ve used the same cover image as I published the old first episode with. I’m not sure if I should keep it…? 

The price is now $17.77, of which up to 40% goes to the retailer [the exact amount depends on where you buy it]. 
You could already purchase it via Smashwords, if you like :D. 

I intend to finish up the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 in between today and tomorrow.

Being by myself in silence for 90% of my time awake, is starting to bore me a lotttt now, though. My days have been like that most of the time, since April 2017… 

I’m not in the mood to randomly hit someone up to sit and talk somewhere, though… I want to do something new :D. And travel to a different country… 

Shout out to my previous employer for this month’s salary :D. It’s the highest of three months. Meoow! 

Where are we going, my Cuddle? 😀

Where would you like to go? 

I’ve also received some study financing, still. I’ll stop that loan today, because they want me to start paying it back already. 

I hope I’ll be able to… [“spoiler alert”] In The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, I inform you that Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 had one sale, and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2 had no sales. 

I’ll be able to financially last during this month. Next month, however, if I have no book sales, I’ll have to apply for a job again… 

If that’s the case, I’d like to work somewhere abroad :D. [The reason for “:D” is the “abroad”… I need sun and I want to experience living under other cultures in another country :D.] 

Sooo… Where are we going? 😀

I want to go to LA… Is it so that I can stay in the States for max 90 days…? I want to stay much longer… 

I’ve been thinking of working as a Dutch translator… 

That’s only if the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 has no engagement, though… I’m afraid it will go like last time… [ = no sales…] Maaybe it won’t… Maybe it will¿

16:35 (04:35 PM) 

I’m making the cover of the paperback of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I right now… 

19:47 (07:47 PM) 

The DPI of the paperback’s cover image just doesn’t want to be uploaded as 300… Even when I convert it! I’ll solve this, though… 

Check out my online interview with Smashwords :]. I find it so much fun to talk about my plans and my writing. I would love to give a lecture about it, one day [more than just once] :D. 

I hope the episodes will be uploaded to all stores before the 30th… This depends on how fast it will be processed… 

20:56 (08:56 PM) 

The solution for the cover image:

Made a slight change:

Now it’s “fang plant”

22:48 (10:48 PM) 

Shout out to the foam layer on my selfmade chai latte 😀

00:53 (12:53 AM) 

Another “spoiler”:

Finally it workeddd

De 30ste gaat krap worden……… 

Maar ik ga alles op alles zetten in de hoop het op tijd te halen. Anders wordt de aparte indruk die ik maak alleen maar groter…. 

02:22 (AM) 

The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I is being sumbitted to other stores, such as Barnes & Noble and iBooks. Its paperback will be available for purchase on Amazon within 72 hours, just like the ebook. I have requested two author’s copies, in the hope that I’ll be able to give one of them to my Cuddle B, one day… 

It’s quite comforting that the book is processed so far already. I hope the submission of the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 will go just as fast! Then I’ll make it for sure :D. 

I’m off to bed

Cishe? 😀



Good night, my Cuddle


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes

Monday, September 24, 2018

11:49 (AM) 

My Cuddle!! <3

I have missed you soo much!! Those few days of not writing you, seemed to last forever…

*Catts you*

The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I is basically finished. And I have received my publisher’s prefix! 

I’m still working on the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1. The new edition feels quite mechanic, because I have taken out the author’s perspective. I don’t think it’s right that I’ve followed that advice from people who aren’t even active participants in the project, but I do want to show you the extremely large scope of Project Nosce Te Ipsum, which wasn’t that emphasized in the previous editions. As soon as possible!!!

I want to start the project and emigrate and be surrounded by people who are like me and are not hurtful :D. I hope you want the same thing!!! 

I changed the menu of this website, too, yesterday. 

The rest of today, I’ll be eating, jogging, writing and cooking. I went to sleep pretty late last night, because I wanted to finish the preface of The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I. Should I change “Deleted” into “Unpublished”…? Yeah, I think so… 

I told myself to take a break from writing diary posts, because that makes me lose time I could use to write the new first episode. Now I think that as long as I invest more time into the new episode, than I invest in this diary, it’s fine… 

If I request my ISBNS today, The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I can be released (after) tomorrow. I’ll get to it :D. 

20:07 (08:07 PM) 

Some taste palettes:

> Rice

  • Rice
  • Potatoes
  • Salt
  • Butter
  • Water

> Vegetables

  • Unions
  • Courgettes
  • Aubergines
  • Red paprika
  • Saffron
  • Five spices

> Lamskarbonade 

  • Ras el hanout
  • Hoisin sauce
  • Ketjap
  • Mustard
  • Oregano
  • Paprika (powder) 
  • Karwij
  • Cumin
  • Thyme
  • Ginger
  • Nutmeg

You might want to use only a selection of the ingredients used, for preparation of the lamb meat. I baked it a little, and put it in the oven afterwards. 

    I already started eating :p

    I’ll be uploading The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I for epubcheck etc. soon, today :]. I have already received the ISBN :D. 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Friday, September 21, 2018

    18:00 (06:00 PM) 

    Good evening, my dear reader <3

    I am so curious to know how you perceive life. I can’t wait for project Nosce Te Ipsum to start!! 

    30 minutes ago, I handed in the final exam of the mathematics module I’d been following since January. Now, finally, D.O.C.I.S. International is my only focus! Studying and having a side-job I didn’t exaxtly do voluntarily. I feel quite relieved that I have less distractional occupations. Hopefully this will be so for the rest of our lives [I hope for the both of us!]. Unfortunately, there’s an interfering factor here… 

    My parents want me to continuously be in school and have a job. It exhausts me. I’ve done the combination of the 40 hour work week and 24 self-study hours per week for two months. Before that, I was busy [non-vacation travelling quite often (while studying) [I wish I wasn’t forced to do that] and before that I was also studying, while dealing with the people my parents had given the task to monitor me [every time I said: “These conversations are not helping me. I do not want to do this. This is a waste of time.” After a year [for that long, they’ve been asking me random questions about Benoît at least once a week…], they still didn’t want to listen to me, so I ran. This was to prove that I can function (way better) without them. They, since I had proven it and I was acting more social [against my will, but to keep my freedom], they didn’t have “a ground for” putting me back under their surveillance]]. It’s hard to describe the forms of frustration and sadness that come with people who believe that you’re less than you actually are. [Also, this diary is way too depressing, so I won’t elaborate on it any further hahahah. I want to end thatttt. I need my Cuddles and my projectt in real life. You’re my happiness…] Now they want me to sign up for another school year and have me pay half of my tuition, while I get another side-job. (I’d rather die?) I find that I at least can have a break from both having a side-job and school, for at least a month? Why do I necessarily need to work now? I’m only 21? I can work full-time when I’m 23, too? The retirement age is 65? I actually do not want to work for a boss ever again. I fucking hate that they do not allow me to do what I want. (It sounds like I’m 5 :'[…) The most annoying thing about this is that this feels like a “ticking time bomb” situation: if I don’t obey their wishes, they might want to put me under surveillance again. 

    I hope I can stall the moment that they find that “I’m “doing nothing” [I write at least 4 hours a day…] too much” and want to take measures, until the 30th. But because they can strike at any moment, saying: “Dominique, we see that you’re not doing well. You’re not meeting up with your friends anymore and you don’t have a job. We want you to talk to a proffessional and take mental health pills again.” [In Dutch] They don’t believe that I can make it as a 21-year-old entrepreneur… I want to show everyone that I can! To make sure I’ve launched the project before they strike, I actually intend to release the new first book episode, before the 30th. I do not want to conform myself to an agreement with an employer or a university, because in the long term, I only want to spend my “work time” on D.O.C.I.S. International. 

    19:38 (07:38 PM) 

    A quick hotel room tour? 😀

    [I smile a lot better when I see my Cuddle in person :D.]

    It’s my last night here. My time here has nourished my mind so much! 

    Even though it’s quite windy and rainy, I still want to air out a little. And move my muscles… I’ve been inside all day. 

    A random picture I took of my breakfast [at 9!]:

    After my walk, I’ll be writing

    Tot later 😀

    *Gives you a Cishe*

    22:30 (10:30 PM) 

    Haha it wasn’t raining anymore when I went outside. 


    I see a decrease in day Cuddles. Should I change something about my content? Are you a daily visitor? A weekly one? A monthly one? Anually¿ Once and never again?

    The decrease could also be because of “end of week occupations”, like clubbing. 

    I guess I should state the questions in my polls more seriously. It was just a joke to test out if the polling works properly on this website… I hope it wasn’t misunderstood…. I’ll move them to D.O.C.I.S. International, which will become a non-single page website… Haha meoow that’s what I’ll be working on tomorrow (morning¿).

    I think I should, until the release, take a break from writing online diary posts. I still want to write to keep an overview of what I perceive. This will be written in a different format :p. 

    *Snuggles up against you* 

    Hi 😀

    Did you just feel us getting closer? 

    I hope this isn’t uncomfortable to you… We’re so cuddled up in this Cuddle, I’m breathing against your skin… 

    Haha I’ll show you what Catting is:

    Thank you for letting me hold your arm. With my nose, I’m caressing it, right now… Meow :D. 


    I’m going to sleep

    Good night, my love


    I sometimes still edit already written text, to make it more clear :p.

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Thursday, September 20, 2018

    13:37 (01:37 PM) 

    Good afternoon, my Cuddle :]

    How’s your day? 


    I’m revising mathematics a little. The next things I’ll be doing are:

    * Buy HB pencil + gum

    * Buy some snacks? 

    * Drive and check in

    * Make a restaurant reservation? 

    * Have a few seconds to breathe in my hotel room 

    * Make previous exams achterstevoren…

    15:51 (03:51 PM) 


    What’s your dinner time? Mine is 7…

    18:51 (06:51 PM) 

    Haha I’m taking myself on a date. This is my second time by myself in a (non-fast food) restaurant. (But, as you might have read, going to restaurants I have done quite more frequently than usual in the past few months, in a non-solo setting.)

    Meoww next time we’ll be eating together, right? 

    I need to still go over the mathematics material some more. The beginning questions will not be a problem, but at the final few question types, I sometimes still make mistakes. But if I study too much now and tomorrow, I will “run out of concentration for” my exam… It’s three hours… 

    I would love to walk around and explore the neighborhood a little. Or go to the beach¿ Or both… Maybe I should go to the beach tomorrow¿ 

    My starter mid-eating

    Haha I’ve done so much advertising for free…¿

    I used to be better at self-courtship. If I get my level of self-courtship up, I can be a better lover for you as well [is what they say¿ But what does the process look like in reality?? Maybe it’s just another oneliner… ***]. 

    It’s going to be “a long walk”, by the way. I was contemplating about how to spend my first (out of two) nights here. It’s a 56 minute walk to the (non-busy side of the) beach from here. The decision depends on whether my belly will be full enough or not. As in there’s no late night room service or a nightshop here, and I digest food very fast, so I should be careful not to get hungry… 

    I’ll just start the walk and see how far I get. Afterwards, I’d like to meditate. 

    And then revise some more in the morning? And just take more time to relax my mind for a while. Studying and writing require quite some concentration… 

    My main course mid-eating

    I’m going to practice another self-perspective [while eating, haha. My diary posts I always write on my phone and update basically per paragraph (I press “send” frequently)]:

    I’m sitting alongside the window of the restaurant of the hotel where I have my exam tomorrow, wearing the same red, white and black striped shirt I wore the last time I met up with Benoît, together with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t have the dark blue Fashion Nova jeans and white Nike Airforce I’m wearing now, then. Then, I wore black suede Clarks desert boots and black Primark trousers. 

    On the one hand, I love to be alone. On the other hand, I would love to have someone to share my loneliness with. Someone who feels alone, too and who is tired of this loneliness, too. We would be such Cuddles :D. With this form of loneliness, where today’s trends are unappealing to you, comes a certain type of wisdom, I think. 

    By loneliness, I don’t mean “not having anyone to “hang out” with”. It is the loneliness that comes with having a large (unuseful) “hang out network”.

    I seek for that person who doesn’t have “today’s dark sense of humor”. Someone who doesn’t, for laughs, insults you out of nowhere, as a joke. When someone does that, I want to open verbal fire and tell him or her that I fucking hate when people do that, and I wouldn’t do that to the people I love, or initiate a joke like that [but if someone goes too far, I definitely do it back]. But I often just fakely laugh… With people firmly believing that I’m schizophrenic [they treat me like I’m unconscious], it’s even more useless trying to argue with them. 

    I don’t like that I’m talking about un-cuddles again. I wish I could move to a secluded area, where I don’t meet these people anymore, so that they can just become a distant memory. 

    [I just saw that the beach is much closer by, but it’s named “park …”]

    *** I want to feel more comfortable with myself. When I enter whatever room or another location, it feels like people are so focused on me (stop their conversation to). In a way, I like the attention. But only when it’s positive, of course… I’m not as good at sensing if someone’s Cuddle or in-cuddle as I used to. 

    I always feel a slight discomfort in the sense that my body has been, since about April 2017, feeling tense, continuously. I could rid myself of this, if I would very closely befriend a tall and muscular Cuddle. I need someone to massage me with so much force, it’s like you’re flatting out pizza dough. 

    Another crucial factor that will take away the tension, is that I want our future to be “sealed”. That’s when our projects are fully established. This (pre-)establishing is something I do all by myself. I’m, like I mentioned in June, not able to relax before I’ve accomplished this. It’s still going according to plan. It’s that my eyes catch time frames by the second, while my mind is occupied with things that will take place much later. 

    22:43 (10:43 PM) 

    In mijn dagboek schrijf ik echt te veel over dat schizofrenie gedoe. Ik zit helaas nog te veel met de vraag wat er precies gebeurd is. Buiten mijn aanwezigheid is er een (internationale??) “zoek”campagne uitgezet. Hierbij is persoonlijke informatie van mij, vrijgegeven. Ik zou graag gewoon willen weten wat er allemaal gezegd is. En ik wil graag weten (in) hoe(verre) Benoît [mag ik Crutzen zeggen?] hierbij/hierin betrokken is geweest. Ik heb op het politiebureau een black-out gehad. Toen mijn zusje en ouders me kwamen ophalen op het bureau, in de avond, en ze vroegen wat er gebeurd was, zei ik: “Ik wil er niet over praten.” De voorgaande paar weken waren traumatisch. Ik heb in deze periode Benoît [Crutzen] niet gezien. 

    Ik ben bang dat ik weer een: “We hebben met zijn allen besloten om dit te doen. We moesten een vermissing opgeven / we hebben met zijn allen besloten dat jij hulp nodig hebt,” te horen krijg. Net als de vorige keer. Ik ben in de tweede situatie niet bij de besluitvorming betrokken. (In de eerste situatie (“vermissing opgeven”) was dat natuurlijk niet eens mogelijk.)

    Toen, dreigde ik “bankroet” te gaan. Dat is uiteindelijk ook gebeurd… Hij had erg enthousiast gereageerd op mijn voorstel voor het uitzetten van een campagne. Via e-mail bespraken we wat de mogelijke onderwerpen van de campagne zouden kunnen worden. We suggereerden de onderwerpen statistiek, wiskunde en micro-economie. Ik mocht niet met hem afspreken… Maar ik zou hem heel graag nog eens [voor altijd] willen zien….

    My Cuddle, 

    Cuddle means you, on the other side of the screen. You, who are reading my words so carefully. I appreciate you so much <3. 

    I’ll be laking. [that’s lake-ing elisie]

    What I like about being by myself is the calmth. No disturbance by the sound of television or that of judgment-filled conversations. What I do, is not a disturbance to me. If it is, to you, it might be better to close yourself off from this disturbance. 

    In large social situations, I tend to cling to the Graeyniss… 

    In this situation, I’ll be going to sleep. 

    Good night, my Cuddle

    I love you ve-ryy much



    Oh desert? 

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

    Wednesday, September 19, 2018

    02:13 (AM) 

    My Cuddle! 

    I have decided to delete parts of what I’ve previously written in this post. This diary has been used for me to vent, sometimes. As you might have noticed… It doesn’t leave room for the other anonymous party I was venting about to vent and it was just a minor aspect I needed to vent about, so what’s the point of keeping it in my history, right? [The “You’ve hurt me too often. I want to run away and never come back.” “You’re insane and irresponsible! Fine, stay away!!!” messages are something else. Dat is bijna strafbaar.]

    (Re-stated) other things I wrote:

    I guess, for about two years now, to the many people whom I have told: “Yes, we’re friends! I’ll definitely involve you in my business, once I get there!”: I really want to take those words back. To me, it isn’t right to let someone who only comes around for the end result, who hasn’t put effort in understanding what it is in the first place, to have an administrator-like role in the project… That role is for my readers! If you’re interestedd. 

    While making that statement about being friends, I thought that that person is trustable and loving. Now that, in the eyes of “society”, I have been called crazy, I see how many people have turned their backs against me. To these “friends”: I wish these people all the best in life. I PRAY I WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! 

    If you only knew how much it hurts to see others, I thought I could trust, watch me struggle for myself to be heard, while they could have helped me in the blink of an eye. THE ONLY GODDAMN THING YOU HAD TO DO IS SAY: “YES, I BELIEVE YOU.” AND THEN TELL THOSE FUCKING DUMB PSYCHIATRISTS THE SAME FUCKING THING. But unfortunately they didn’t do this. All of them already assumed that I’m crazy, before they heard my side of the story… (Fuck ’em :D.)

    Often I say: “Yes, of course we’ll hang out, once I have some free time!” 

    A true friend would study with me… Or write with me… Or talk about having self-made projects with me… I haven’t yet very closely befriended someone who has truly similar ambitions. (Some tell me that person doesn’t exist…) [By truly similar, I mean that I have project Nosce Te Ipsum and you have project “…”…… Or something else creative. If not: I DO NOT want your feedback!! Who the fuck actually thinks: “YAAAAY LEKKER AFGEZEKEN WORDEN!!!” NOT ME, FOR SURE! IT FUCKING HURTS SOOOOO MUCH!! I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU MY FULL STRATEGY YET. YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN IT’S THERE. WHY ALREADY BE NEGATIVE FOR NONSENSIC MINOR DETAILS? The essence of Cuddleship is about parties of active mutual engagement on the top level of (co)operation. (Sorry for the confusing “you’s”. I hope you can filter out which you are.)] But a lot of people I have spent time with are not that actively trying to make a change and use their creative intelligence. They just talk… It’s “fine” that they enjoy that. I do not enjoy that. This project is my passion. I’m not passionate about shit like Netflix, you’re not passionate about my things… We are not a right fit as “friends”.

    I do not want to spend the little amount of free time I have with them. It’s way too stressful. You know what they say: “If you really want it, you should make time for it.” We could have hung out many times. My intentions are to never hang out with them again. [Not all of them¿] I just don’t want to be hurtful in a confronting manner… But they have done this to me way too often themselves. 


    They try to teach me life lessons. That shit pisses me off so much, because in 10 years time they’ll still be fucking wandering themselves. It feels like an insult that they feel that I have to learn from them. I have more self-knowledge. Every time I ask them things about themselves, they say: “I don’t know.” USE THAT PHRASE ONCE, AND THE CONVERSATION IS OVER, TO ME? THINK!!!!! Why would I try explain myself in detail for that response every time… I dare you to write frequent diary posts? (Get to) know yourself! Want to do it here?

    This is diary is not my full-time occupation. This is just my hobby to fill my up my “free time” with. I’m working on my book and the rest of my business strategy, which are soon to be released. It’s an uncommon concept! What it’s about and what my business exactly does, you will see when it’s there.


    I want to work on my own projects… I want to write and do business!! I’m not running way again, though. I risk being jailed or monitored by psychiatrists for that. (If that ever happens again: committing suicide before they get the chance will cross my mind, because I see “how people have had my back before” [= S A R C A S M] and thus I’m powerless against them. My Cuddle, if this happens, please avenge my death, to still save the many people who are stuck in the system while they shouldn’t be!) [I’m not running away, but I would LOVEEEEE to get away… You too, my Graeyniss?]

    I seek mutual judgment…. I never enjoy a discussion. Unless it’s in court, to clear our names!

    Please know that when it comes to international strategy, I’ll have to know opposing views! The difference is that it’s to propose a solution everyone agrees with, instead of pointing out what the differences are.To anyone who considers to cooperate: know you will have to put in at least half as much work as I did. 

    Haha meoww I want to see my Graeynissis dance. I’ve never seen a Graeyniss dance? Ah meoow why aren’t there wild Graeyniss parties yet? Prrr. 




    Some people will be too proud to say that my writing is too complex for them and then still “interpret it”, stating that “I’m bad”. Their “followers” will do the same thing, because they also don’t understand it, but they do love being part of something! I pray our paths will never cross. I hope we can just live “together” as separate communities. In that way, you can hate all you want! Me too! We’d just be blessed with you not having to be afraid of my endeavors ever reaching you [if you believe that I’m bad, like I’ve said very often with many different words: fuck off. I’m trying to do good. If you don’t support me, the Goodniss is not for you. The cookie bar says it, too!] and my work will be closed off in the future, so you’ll never have to see me again! THAT’S WIN-WIN, RIGHT¿

    If you’re in for Project Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be together for all eternity! <3 

    14:46 (02:46 PM) 

    My Love <3

    I hope that me using caps lock often doesn’t make you think that I’m an aggressive person. 

    There where people start screaming at each other like wild animals, I tend to just end the conversation and rid myself of cropped up emotions differently. I write it out. [A punching bag would be nice, too!!] Trying to talk it out with others has this far always led to bad advice that includes the word “just”. “Just do this, an it will be over.” If it were that easy, it “just” wouldn’t have happend in the first place! 

    I want to focus on you and me more. The unjust judgment of others is such thought distortion to me. In the sense that, now that the people here believe that I’m crazy, they also believe that they “can read me better”. When I say: “I’m trying to do this,” they say: “No, you’re actually trying to do that.” There is nothing more fucking annoying in this world, to me. If. I. Were. Doing. That. I. Would. Have. Fucking. Said. It. 

    But anyway, I hope that somehow, I’ll not have these annoying people on my mind 24/7, thinking of how to convince them I’m not the bad person they’re trying to portray me as. I want to unite every single one of us! But all “human” beings as my audience might not be feasible, because some are just not open to see the good side of me, if they don’t accept my truth, I guess… [I say truth is subjective and there could be someone else with a similar form of truth. If this truth is not universal, a community with people who are like you is the most joyful one, I think. What’s the point of pointing out our differences all the time. I want us to be so loving, we’re basically One Cuddle! One entity!] 

    With these expressions of mine, I still risk having a turn-out of 0 when I launch my [this far, but hopefully one of many] life’s work. The launch will decide my fate, for there’s nothing else I enjoy in life anymore. It’s like so many people walk around with a blindfold, without ever even trying to take it off. What is the point of continuous nay-saying in a discussion? That stuff makes me feel so lonely… Yet literally everyone I’v met this far defends it. Who has taught you that? May I offer you an alternative? [Reference to what is previously mentioned.]

    I don’t want to be intimate with someone I can unnecessarily clash with. I need to be sure my heart is safe with you… The sensation of losing air and my entire body in pain, just from an exchange of words, is a sensation I never want to feel again. But for the past few years, that feeling has been CONTINUOUS :'[. I try my best not to engage in conversations that can lead to this sensation, but just the “Aww the mind is something you can’t know because you’re crazy” untrue beliefs of many can already trigger that sensation. I want to scream “AAAAAAUW” (Dutch for “ouch”) when I feel this sensation. But I try to never raise my voice, for I’m afraid of this unjustly leading to someone getting me stuck in a system I don’t want to be in. 

    Another thing that weighs on me is that I have very strong feelings for someone who has a family, and I do not want to come in between that. (While deep down I actually do. I want to wake up in your arms every day… I never have done that before! I just want to… But I was scared to say it. How dk you say “I’m in love with you” to someone who’s 25 years older than you? I miss you so :[. My B :'[.) 

    I consider myself a bisexual polyamorist [which I hope you are, tooooo!!!! <3], but my love feelings for this one person are so overpowered… They don’t fade. They can’t fade! I’d rather die, than grow old without him :[. (But I honestly don’t feel that comfortable with mentioning this to my Cuddle, because when you read this, I want you to feel that you’re my one and only… This has been on my mind for so much longer…)

    The feeling of love I feel for you is similar! For you as my Cuddle, I’m developing a new form of courtship, so that I can make you feel the love I feel for you, even from a distance! (Which I hope I’ll be able to bridge, one day. Hopefully the 30th!)

    *Extreme thought popping up:* Something that really has to die is the [WHAT. THE. FUCK?] “I’m bored. I’m now going to start an argument with someone OVER NOTHING.” WHY THE FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE THAT GET SO MUCH POSITIVE ATTENTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? ONCE THESE PEOPLE GET THE PRIMATE, WE’RE DOOOOOOOOMED. Let’s run to Planet Fang! [I think it’s a funny name for an island, hahahahaha…. Imagine this “serious news sentiment” of someone reading a message, and then saying “Planet Fang” XD. Haha (“…”) peaceeee, my Cuddle. (But stating self-defense could lead to a doubting reader, for that’s how some have been learnt to judge. “Waarom schiet je in de verdediging? Heb je wat te verbergen of zo?” What I want to say, but never say is: “Nee, lul. Ik probeer je iets uit te leggen, maar je bent te dom -.-“”)]

    As time passes by, I keep perfecting my writing. I should get to mathematics… The thought of my studies is such a headache. I would rather pay back my study financing right now and write an independent thesis [which is something I’ll do either way], than sign up for another year of study [and probably have to get a side-job again, because it might resume in FEBRUARY [IMAGINE ME DOING ROUTINOUS WORK 40HRS A WEEK AGAIN AT SOME COMPANY, UNTIL FEBRUARY :'(. I. AM. MY. OWN. BOSS. But I’m not allowed to spend too much time inside, by myself. [EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO. I HAVE WORK TO DO!] I NEEEED TO MOVEEEEE]]. Haha “Why does everything cost money?” :'[ 

    I thought of cancelling the hotel reservation, but, since there’s a chance that no one will engage in my projects (like before…), it might be one of my last times truly by myself. In comfort. This because my bank account will, then, become fully empty soon, and I’ll not be able to pay for “outside” anymore. JUST LIKE JANUARY 2017 – APRIL 20 FUCKING 18.

    16:53 (04:53 PM) 

    I’m still in bed. I wish we could cuddle. Some mistake me saying cuddle as a code for sex. I do NOT mean sex. This doesn’t mean that I do not want to have sex with you, but let’s take it slow? [See the formality? ;)] 

    I want to feel your heart beat through our embrace. I want to feel not lonely in my perception of how much the world has become a routinous machine. 

    What to eat for breaklunchnner? I haven’t eaten anything yet? May I playfully bite you…? I’m quite hungry. Haha meoow *blows on your stomach* nomnomnomnom. [I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable that I describe ways of me touching you… I’ve been wanting to do that for a looong time! I’m saying this, because in the touch of some, I feel it’s for their own arousal and not out of love. I want you to NEVER feel like that! I LOVE YOU!!!]

    I love playful neck bites, too, by the way ;]. Also, I want to one day, cuddle a body so tall that I could practically climb it. Tallniss is a great factor in making me feel safe [AND SOMETIMES IT’S THE OPPOSITE. I’LL HAVE TO GET UP AND ACT BUSY :D].

    *peace sign*


    17:20 (05:20 PM) 

    Earlier today, I received a message about my study financing that will be cut off, by the way. (Imagine if I had my own apartment…) This will make the release a bit harder… [Consider it my last attempt. I’m not going to fucking zombie the rest of my life, in some building, stating oneliners all day… Never. Again… ]

    Amical abstinence was the made up Cuddle term I was talking about, by the way. That’s The Cuddle!! 

    I actually feel too un-cuddle to study, maar “het zijn de laatste loodjes!!!!” ( x_x )

    I’ll be making unit 10 to 12 exercises, about Taylor polynomials and stuff (because those are one of the few topics I hadn’t seen in high school yet). And then tomorrow practice with old exams. 

    Haha I’m “that last-minute student”. But I did graduate from level gymnasium! (That’s where Greek and Latin are mandatory subjects, in the beginning… Für die Unterscheidung!!! Hahaha…. I kept only Latin, but I still κνο τή Γριικ αλφαβετ… It’s the Dutch survival of the fittest, those levels of middle and high school education… [Hear the similarity between the German “Unterscheidung” and Dutch “onderscheid”…])

    Also, for the pronunciation of Dutch: “ie” is pronounced as “ii”.

    18:14 (06:14 PM) 

    I think I’ll just quit my studies and try to pay back the deficit with book sales… I want to still fund project Nosce Te Ipsum with the book sales as well. I hope you won’t mind paying about $7.77 for an eBook? I also want to have paperbacks and limited edition hardcovers. The hardcovers might not exist yet on the 30th. 

    Ew, why does this system fucking exist… Why did I fucking fall for it… The policy… How can you do something like this to your indirect children? It could have been free, with ease, actually… How do you expect all of us to actually pay this back? I can’t even rent a proper apartment… This feels like a strange form of slavery. I know the lifetime total will be about €10.000,-. (IF I END MY MONTHLY FUCKING LOAN BEFORE OCTOBER. (€800 x 3 for Erasmus and €941 x 9 for the OU (unless the “travel expenses” [Ik krijg mijn studenten OV als maandbedrag. Dat is “gratis”.] are deducted)  FOR SOME OTHERS IT’S EVEN MORE!) [HAHA THAT’S BASICALLY LESS THAN MY FATHER’S MONTHLY SALARY SINCE 2012!!! WHY THE FUUUUCK DO YOU NOT GIVE ME AN ALLOWANCE?] What they’ll ask back now will probably be about €7.500,-. Haha I might go to goddamn jail for this. But I really am a full time student. I spend great parts of my study financing on my company, DIE NOG STEEDS IN HAAR FUCKING KINDERSCHOENEN STAAT… MAG DIT EEN “LEERBEDRIJF” ZIJN? The same went for my registered PR company [DE KINDERSCHOENEN]… Maybe the actual amount is less, though. I still haven’t opened the message! The mails say: “There’s a message for you about this and that in your government mailbox.” THE SUSPENSE!!!! 

    I can’t emigrate because of this. They can’t track you down when you’re abroad, and they damn sure want their money back :D. 

    19:26 (07:26 PM) 

    I think I’ll be able to pay back my student debt through my business. [AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY WITHOUT A DOUBT NEVER COME BACK!!!!] 

    I hope others will, too… They say: “Op de universiteit doe je niet veel werkervaring op. Dat wil je werkgever later misschien niet. Je kan beter een HBO student zijn.” HAHA HOE “WEET” JE DAT “NU AL”? WAT EEN ENG GELOOF!!!! HAHA DOEEEEEEIIII!!! 😀

    Deze werkgever on the other side of your screen just wants to see your Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate and Thesis  ;].

    I don’t want to be with these un-cuddles. Please buy me, my Graeyniss… 

    Haha I see the university has already signed me up for two courses. 

    This is the reason why I’m not submitting “HET BEWIJSSTUK”. The blue bar should reach the red line…

    With the “Running the Economy” module added, the amount of study hours per week was about 35! But that would be mental torture, for sure, actually… I wanted to do it to keep my study financing, but FUCK IT :D. 

    Haha if this were Facebook or something, so many of my messages would have been deleted already, because they’re “loud against the regime”… This feels like 1984 HAHA. 

    Will those people with trippy student debts owe the right to a mortgage? I intend to buy my self-designed house (on Planet Fang!) IN LEGALLY EARNED CASH :D. You too, right, my Cuddle? 


    20:33 (08:33 PM) 

    To make the fastest and most delicious “whiskey sauce”: put mayonaise and ketchup in een bakje and DO NOT ADD WHISKEY but brandy or cognac :D. I used “Rooster & Wolf”…

    The reason why I felt so mad about my sister choosing the side of my parents, is because, as soon as she hits 18, just like with me, they’ll let her financially BLEED TO DEATH, too. 

    At age 16, I was ordered to get a job, too. I worked at Albert Heijn, too. 

    Look at me now! 

    Haha who wants to be on the “schizophrenic” side of the spectrum, right? 

    I won’t beg anyone to choose my side. Do whate-ver you want. Save yourself. 

    Thoughts on travel bags as a proposed birthday present? [I was searching for a travel bag, for the suitcases I took to the US are worn out, now (tampered¿ the fuck… They “wore out” after coming back home).] It stings… I can’t go anywhere… I do not intend to be in this same situation on November 1st…. 

    [While I update down here, I sometimes also re-write pieces I’ve already written. If you refresh, you might want to check it out¿ Haha I’m addicted to it :D.]

    What to pack…? 

    I hope at the hotel, I’ll randomly catch some wild Graeynissis in the wild and be Cuddles forever… Know what I mean…? Λεγω? 

    Should I up my book price, by the way? There are so many SOCIETAL costs to cover, apart from self-expenses (I’m talking debt and basic needs). 



    And then they still preach like they’re fucking Ghandi or something. All they know is what the propagandist tells them in de FUCKING DUMB videos they watch. None of their arguments are actually arguments they have formulated themselves. They say they do good (because they have a job), but they don’t add value to this world. Of course, these people have the right to do whatever dumb shit they want to do. BUT STAY AWAY FROM MY PROJECT!  Unless your intentions are to truly do good… [I naturally detect this, sometimes. Without mentioning it. The numbers on un-cuddles surprise me… Is it national culture? They’re all soooo proud…. Answer: “OF WHAT? A NEW RECESSION?” They say: “In Nederland is alles altijd beter geregeld.” As if they dare to cross the border…]

    I’m not a nationalist. I’m not a non-nationalist. I mentioned this before. It’s just pieces of ground with people on them, who then associate their identity with the piece of ground. 

    The only way my identity is associated with the country I was born in [in the Netherlands. In Rotterdam], is because of the fucking immense ankle bracelet with financial debt I have. And how, if  I were to stay here and not do business [over my dead body], I’d have to survive as the fittest, compete within companies, to some fucking how [as a black person] be able to afford [OP ZN MINST] een vrijstaand huis. Anders hoef ik niet oud te worden. Je hebt hier bijna geen beweegruimte voor jezelf. It drives me crazyyyyy. 


    Haha by the way, when it comes to the practically non-existent amount of space in this country, I do understand the “Pleur op naar je eigen land.” There are more Surinamese people in the Netherlands, then there are Surinamese people in Surinam. Rotterdam has more citizens than all of Surinam. (Is what the numbers say?) It’s cool to study in the Netherlands – sort of [Project NTI is cooler :p] (the Surinamese university (singular…?) isn’t internationally acknowledged. They have to pay up for that. [I won’t be doing that with my project. I don’t want to be acknowledged by un-cuddles… (Or to pay up lol.) If the right people participate, that is enough acknowledgement, to me…] – but after that, you should have gone back to the country you were born in? [There’s sooooooooo much free space in Surinam. I heard that that was going to become “Israël” first, but then the plans changed…] Or elsewhere…? 

    The “Elia” family, they say, were way back, Jewish Portugese slave (plantation¿) owners. Their free slaves received their last name. (That was always with officially declared free slaves, I’ve heard.) I don’t remember the “timeline”, but the Netherlands owned Suriname last, before it became independent. Britain and Portugal were previous owners? Or did their citizens there just become indirect slaves, too? 

    I wasn’t there, so I’m not certain, haha. 

    Also, the Dutch slave trade and abolitionism are “NOT IMPORTANT” topics, these days. They’re in the school history books (distributed by THE GOVERNMENT), but they say: “Joh, die kan je overslaan.” We have literally not had a single test about this. What I know, is what I remember my grandfather and father teaching me. 

    “Privatized” doesn’t mean non-governmental….

    On the 17th of this month, I had about 881 readers. On the 18th, it were 1279. You’re awesome! 😀 <3

    The cookie law combined with the privacy law means that you’re allowed to see basic data of your audience (the cookie tracks), but that you’re not allowed to publish personal data of individuals. [I’m not allowed to publish: “Hey, I see *name* from *location*, who likes *interests*, has visited this website then and then.” I’m also not able to see that, but other organizations are able to do this. I haven’t invested much in data analysis, but you could for example see where your audience is located, for targeting reasons. That is the improvement that is spoken about. For, I can only see how many people visit, but not what their gender is, what their interests are, etc. I hope I can just (semi-)personally ask you that through my new book & project :].

    I know for sure I’m not the only one being haunted by ignorant people. Haha especially not after what they did to To Pimp A Caterpillar. 

    2Pac has a few songs I like. I have been studying music since age 9. Explain to me why he is not a legend because he got shot? Would T.P.A.C. (of which THE TITLE HAD TO BE CHANGED HAHA WHAAAAT¿) be better? 

    Ι ημ ήησιταντ υιτ ριτιν Κυδδλε… Ι υαντ το τελλ υου σομε ρεαλ σεκρετσ…. 



    01:48 (AM) 

    I love you 😀

    Good night, my Cuddle


    Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary

    Tuesday, September 18, 2018

    10:59 (AM)

    Good morning 😀

    Have you, my reader, thought of what path you’d like to follow? That of the Practitioner, that of the Illuminatus, or that of the Illuminatus Intelligens?

    I’ve been thinking of making my entire blog password protected and allowing real Cuddles to make an account for login. Then, and only then, for avoiding spam reasons, having a forum would be nice.

    Just the thought of judgmental snakes acting as if they don’t know this side of me [Because, yes, to avoid “feedback”, I don’t tell anyone about this. I do NOT want negative feedback on being able to express myself the way I do. If you don’t like it, then just NEVER look at this website!! Make one yourself!!!], but sometimes open my pages to laugh and criticize it, makes me want to move. I can see it in the eyes of some.

    Everyone here I haven’t met yet practically already knows my name and some very random personal things about me, but everyone acts “brand new”. Every time. You know that I have been “missing”, don’t you? If so, please tell me what lie you have been taught to hide? You know that’s illegal, right, if that has been told to you by the government? “Privacy”, if everyone has already seen something they’re not supposed to see, doesn’t mean that you should not tell me what everyone has been told. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW TOOOO!!!! I’m the fucking only one who doesn’t know, because the laws of privacy are misunderstood by so many…. “Privacy” means that you shouldn’t have known in the first place. It didn’t have to be “mass-deleted”, now that everyone already knew. My side of the story was never heard. The fabrication was stated as a fact. The message didn’t say that I didn’t want to be found, I didn’t want to be interrogated and I begged to not be sent home. When they asked me who I did want to see, I said “Benoît”. We had made arrangements to meet up again, a few weeks earlier, but my parents didn’t allow me to go. I was devastated from that (because I am in love with him). We are/were just friends, though… 

    The cops still called my parents to come and pick me up. This was against my wishes. They had already put me in an isolation cell, to allow me to sleep a little, but while trying to sleep, several interrogarors have walked in and out on me (plus I was too tall to sleep in the cell). I hadn’t slept and had a proper meal in 3 days. I was found by cops from a different city and driven to the police station in my neighborhood, in the afternoon. I got home very late in the evening. 

    Even people who I only know from “facial recognition”, suddenly started their conversations with: “I know you’ve had a hard time, mentally…” 


    If you only knew how this has negatively influenced our future! Yes, ours, for I’m one of the few people who doesn’t work for the money, but for the accomplishments. I’m trying to make a change!

    Cuddle me :[ (only if you’re Cuddle…)

    Here’s an analog test to see if you’re Cuddle

    1. When you’re reading this website, are you looking for verification or falsfication?
    2. Is your “soft side” and need for mutual love greater than you show others, due to a difference in character, sometimes?
    3. Would you like to become one of my new close friends and engage in my projects?

    If your answers are “verification” (because in my friendships I seek mutual judgment), “yes” [I describe a “deficit of love”] and “yes :D”, you’re Cuddle!

    I’m thinking of making a new selection of my pictures from Paris. I have better ones… I have decided to just block everyone who is unnecessary corrective about my material, out of my life :D. It will just be you and me, my Cuddle… 

    Haha toch maar geen cardigan voor mn logo? :p

    The purple and grey resemble us <3

    Shout out to the 881 people reading my post of yesterday <3. Haha I see how much the average didn’t represent my actual traffic.

    I might not get to changing my album, for I have a lot of mathematics to do, still… I got to unit 3 yesterday…

    13:35 (01:35 PM)

    00:17 (AM)  I received two messages from the government. I have to pay back a part of my study financing…

    I still want to graduate in (OR BEFORE) 2021.

    Dus wat wanneer er zo veel mensen hun studieschuld moeten terugbetalen en ze dit gedaan moeten hebben om het recht mogen hebben te emigreren (voor “””””””de tweede watersnoodramp”””””””””””””” [Hoe veel ” teveel? Lees gewoon niet als je je irriteert aan mijn interpunctie. Ik zeg “tweede” maar eigenlijk, als je naar de lange termijn kijkt, is het “de zoveelste”])?

    Ik. Wil. Graag. Verhuizen. Naar. Een. Land. Dat. De. Beginnende. Jonge. Onderneemster/Ondernemer (“man eerst?”). Beter. Beschermt.

    Ik heb geen recht op research subsidies? Ik doe onafhankelijk onderzoek…

    Soms worden mensen opgesloten omdat ze boetes hebben.

    I’m scared to see how “high the deficit is”.

    13:50 (01:50 PM)

    While listening to the 11th Sky, I’ll be making mathematics exercises *peace sign*. Enjoy the rest of your time while I sometimes leave a message for you on :]. I post updates ve-ry frequently.

    14:03 (02:03 PM)

    I still had to turn on my laptop etc to look for the exercise files.

    14 year old me?

    Should I get a perm and clip-ins a g a i n¿

    But then get more loose curls?

    Instead of a wig? Or sometimes wear a wig? Sometimes not even wear clip-ins? The perm…?

    I felt more comfortable about the way I looked, then…

    But I do not have money for that :D.

    Ik moet mijn schuld terugbetalen. Dat betekent sparen :D. Het is ook eens “bijna December!” En bijna Sinterklaas! En dan die “eind van het jaar rekening” en kutweer :D. Nog meer sparen (+ inflatie)? 


    14:44 (02:44 PM)

    With what I earn from my book, I would like to fund and be part of a Council. The council puts plans against societal problems into practice, such as ways to end famine. I have made designs for benefit boxes you could purchase as a gift (for someone else of your choice [charity? Give it away to someone else in a different country who lives in an area where there’s less access to basic needs. Track your package!!!! [I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS. TO SHOW YOU I WILL NOT SPEND IT ON MYSELF. FUCK EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO CLAIM THAT I AM A BAD PERSON. (IF YOU’RE HERE TO DO THAT: DO NOT COMPARE ME TO YOURSELF. IK BEN NIET VAN PLAN VOOR DE REST VAN MIJN LEVEN MIJN VRIJE TIJD “VOOR DE TV” TE SPENDEREN. DA’S FUCKING NUTTELOOS! Ik onderneem liever graag echte stappen, in plaats van er alleen maar over te praten. Mensen lullen zoooo veeeeeeel, maar doen heeeeeelemaal NIKS.)] I’m definitely getting my Council members one (safety¿)] and/or for yourself)).

    There’s an election for positions within this council during The Benefit. You can run for council member by signing up. Stay tuned :D.

    16:41 (04:41 PM)

    Everyone who PARTICIPATES gets a lifetime seat in the D.O.C.I.S. International Council.

    Practitioners are think tank members and Nosce Te Ipsum participants.

    Illuminati [do not mistake me for some stigmatized image [then really please just don’t read my “blog”]. I chose this name as a derivation of the Latin words for “having been illuminated” etc.] are people who, through participation in Nosce Te Ipsum become think tank members and, by writing a thesis from this project, become specialist strategists for D.O.C.I.S. International, in a field of their preference. [Law? Economics? Linguistics? The list goes on…]

    Illuminati Intelligentes are participants in project Nosce Te Ipsum and specialist strategists in all fields, because throughout the project, they write a thesis on all fields in which D.O.C.I.S. International intends to operate. 

    The Council does not affect the lives of those who don’t want to cooperate with D.O.C.I.S. International, due to differing viewpoints. It is fully independent. 

    Is there a weather station that influences the weather? What are all the building sized “fans” throughout this country for, exactly? Warme lucht stijgt…

    18:13 (06:13 PM) 

    What do you think of my new Paris album?

    Haha no comments ;]. I hope you’ll sign up, my Cuddle! Now back to mathematics… 

    Haha remember this? 

    I deleted that one too. It had 5 songs. Now this is all that is visible. Hopefully one day I’ll upload a new version with better (voice) audio.

    I learnt a different notation method in high school¿

    19:13 (07:13 PM) 

    Only long red peppers as a change-up of what I made yesterday. I also added some white wine.

    19:47 (07:47 PM)

    I need to do the dishes? I need to move, mann. By cooking for 1 (or 2, my cuddle…¿) there’s a lot less dirty dishes that mostly aren’t even mine. This used to make me wish I was born into a white family sometimes. There it’s often just: “Je hebt toetsen. Kopje thee?” 

    Of course this isn’t exactly a racial issue. 

    But another reason for me wanting to be white, when I was younger, was to not hear: “HEEY JE LIJKT EEN BEETJE OP ZWARTE PIET!” 

    The Surinamese generational anecdote is [some say]: “From a young age, you should learn how to do the houskeeping. Then, when you’re an adult, you’ll know how to do it.” I used to iron A LOTTTTT when I was 10! It’s nice to have children, then, when you’re an adult! I am not really working towards having children and being that type of parent (ever…?).

    Heeeey tomorrow is Prinsjesdag! I’ll be tuning in, for sure! You too!??? [Haha I’ll be studying ;). But I wonder what next year’s national financial plans are / prediction is…]

    What’s more intensive: making mathematics exercises all day, or being in a building all day, doing things you have been doing for decades, while just randomly walking to people’s desks to talk about random shit [I do not enjoy small talk]? 

    I’ll of course not say no. Even though I really want to. I’ll move. Just wait :]. [Haha financieel aan de grond gehouden worden omdat men je niet kwijt wil? Maar ik wil weg??]

    00:22 (AM) 

    Units 10 to 12 left for tomorrow. I’ll have to start packing… What to pack…? [Haha saaave meeeeeeee. I would pack so differently if you would…]

    My Cuddle, I’ll elaborate on a solution to a very naggy social problem of mine. Please keep an eye out for that.

    I live for you

    Is Cuddle for “I love you”

    Good night, MY CUDDLE


    [My Nintendo Switch suddenly doesn’t connect to the internet, while the password is saved… I remember, when I was younger, certain web addresses being blocked, such as that of MSN, for coming home “late”…. (But doesn’t a measure like that make me want to get the fuck out of here even more?) I just wanted to relax a little, before going to bed, since I’ve been doing Maths all fucking day…]

    Blog, Images, Online Diary

    Monday, September 17, 2018

    09:55 (AM) 

    Good morning, My Cuddle <3

    How was your night? 

    Here’s my “breakfast smoothie”:

    In it, there are: raspberries, blueberries, some mango, red grapes, some bananas and water. (To add strawberries and some watermelon too would be nice.)

    12:07 (AM) 

    A random picture of yesterday

    Ik heb geen tijd om op te ruimen…

    Today, I’ll be making hand-picked exercises of unit 1 to 4. 

    That’s spread over two books haha. 

    12:52 (PM) 

    Wanneer is binnenkort? DE APP CRASHT STEEDS WANNEER IK HEM OPEN. HOE STEL IK GOOGLE DIE VRAAG? Nadat ik de app naar de fabrieksinstellingen had teruggezet deed hij het heel even, maar nu doet hij helemaal niks meer… 

    I want to ask Strato a question. Because of this:

    This is where the link I recently received redirected me to?

    But the type of question I want to ask is not in the options of questions… 

    Na vier keer proberen kon ik mijn nieuwe wachtwoord invoeren. Toen werd ik ge redirect naar dit scherm. 

    Hij doet het nog steeds niet -.-” 

    Ik typ mijn wachtwoord gewoon goed in? Het algoritme… 

    I just made a Twitter account. I think I’ll be judged for the people I follow. 

    13:45 (01:45 PM) 


    Haha I see you :].

    “Thank you for keeping up with me. <3”

    I plan on keeping September 30th very intimate… 

    If you’re Cuddle this far, you’ll be able to decipher how I’ve planned the release ;].

    14:05 (02:05 PM) 

    What to make for dinner later? I want to make mac & cheese, with goooood cheese. I’ll have to go grocery shopping either way. I don’t know any “cheese stores” here… 

    Your thoughts on my cookie bar¿

    You should boil it until they start to lose texture a little bit… I was just that hungry… 😀

    I used tayer, potatoes, palm oil, “Cameroon pepper”, a tomato, five spices and no salt… But that’s just my preference, in this case…

    Grocery list: (I’ll just use buy pre-grained cheese (Gouda [= city name]) & Parmesan(a?) at the grocery store… (Open until like 20:00? Shops like cheese stores close waay earlier.))

    * Kazen

    * Courgette

    I wonder what parmesan from Parmesana tastes like… 

    16:09 (04:09 PM) 

    For some reason I feel like deleting all of my other social media, except Twitter…? 

    16:35 (04:35 PM) 

    2842 sessions within these 17 September days, means that about 168 people (since you can’t have 0.176 (= about 17.6% of a) person looking at Cuddleniss) are actively following me on a day. (But of course there will have been a peak in sessions when I did the Facebook marketing, “so there are outliers”…)

    Many Cuddles for people who enjoy reading my website 😀 <3

    17:13 (05:13 PM) 

    My mother called me to tell me she’s in the supermarket and asked if I needed some things. I named them and then had to text them to her :’].

    18:07 (06:07 PM) 

    I wonder if the slightly renewed homepage will lead to a battle…

    But at least, now the “neo nazi” bullshit is out the way :]. Boy, some people are really fucking stupid, aren’t they?  :]

    Will you back me up if this happens, my Cuddle? Because I’m not allowed to think or speak about Benoît Crutzen…

    It’s funny, isn’t it? 😉

    I remember BEING LAUGHED AT FOR THIS [me wanting to see him so bad] E-VE-RY CONVERSATION… 

    If you want to prove that “you’re right” once and for all, tell me what happend and where he is right now. If you’re right, he would say:

    (Scroll to 05:00:)

    “Nooit gezien” = “Never seen” (him/her) 

    Not that he would speak Dutch necessarily… I might, if I’m not able to control my feelings of Cuddleniss. Haha meoww…..

    Grrr I can’t stand when you hear snakes (I’m talking about people) laugh about other people’s misery… 

    Is that cultural? 

    Only in a Dutch commercial, you’ll see a man grab the price tag of his wife’s dress, and then say: “What a nice dress!” 

    As a joke… 

    Is that right, or not? [That sense of humor actually disgusts me, but so many people find it actually funny – otherwise so many “jokes” like that wouldn’t exist – I just laugh along… Defending myself would be as pointless as explaining why “Zwarte Piet” should not exist… (Even though it’s not all of the community finding it offensive,  it’s still a part of the community…) Instead of wasting my time arguing, I’ll just move. I have ma-ny more reasons for wanting to do this, as you can read throughout my posts. (“Haha” and then they say: “Die zwarten moeten van onze traditie af blijven!” Wees er maar trots op… They can keep their tradition. Hands off my project, for some types of philosophy can’t become part of the U.S.H.R., if they aren’t well defended.)]

    19:15 (07:15 PM) 

    Tomatoes, courgette, an union, creme fraîche, five spices, oregano & a lottt of grained Gouda (old) and Parmesan

    I’m done eating already :D. Ready for round 2…

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Recipes

    Sunday, September 16, 2018

    11:18 (AM) 

    My Cuddleeeee <3

    Goede bijna middag 😀

    How’s your weekend? 

    If you’re new to Welcome, new Cuddle! <3 Thank you for your engagement <33

    Yesterday, an impulse made me do some pre-marketing. I hope this will help increase web-traffic when the official release date is. (Because then, I’ll do it again. It will then, for some, not be the first time you come across a personal ad.)

    I’m showing you my drafts and process, for the things we can learn from them. 

    The emptiness of my stomach woke me up this morning. I later fell asleep again. I want to eat something tasty, with true nutritional value. The shops in my neighborhood are closed today, because this is “a Christian neighborhood” [I am not a Christian, but I do sympathize with the basic aspects of showing and perceiving love that is “part of religion” (in general)].

    I decided on going to Erasmus today, to work on my statistics assignment. Hopefully, afterwards, I’ll be able to write some. [They say: “Don’t give away your location.”….. But it’s only to my Cuddle?]

    I still need to eat something… The internet says the university food court is open¿ But I won’t make it there if I don’t eat something before I start cycling… 

    12:27 (PM) 

    I’m searching for better conversationalists in my daily life… People ask me to hang out via text, but for me to say yes to this without regret [and then actually do it ;)], the conversation in which this person proposes to hang out, should at least be half as interesting… I mean, what are we actually talking about? Is the conversation helping us forward? Mostly it’s just me asking questions I actually already know their answer to. With most people who are not that interested in finding their purpose and doing good, I would rather not interact with at all. I’ll be thinking about the future of my projects while they try to discuss what was[¿¿¿ how’s that interesting?] on tv, with me. Ugh and then there’s the dudes asking me for pictures and shit -.-”

    Save me, my Graeyniss <3 :[. Please make a power move on me, hehe. 

    I want to make music with you and write together and discuss our futures and talk about our roles in the project and do business together and cuddleeee <3

    Just left the shower :D. 

    I’ll make myself some pourridge… I don’t know what else I should eat? 

    13:39 (01:39 PM) 

    Haha mid-eating

    I used corn flour (the sandy texture type), a sack of vanilla sugar, a teaspoon with normal sugar, raisins, vanilla essence, almond essence and a tiny bit of butter. 

    Haha I wonder how large the “I prefer to use a different web browser” audience is. Be my Cuddle 😀 <3

    I’ve been FB marketing in Zuid-Holland, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Milan, Los Angeles, New York, Washington, São Paulo, Paramaribo, Toronto and Miami :]. “Twenty euros well spent¿”

    16:45 (04:45 PM) 

    I already finished the rest of my assignment, played some more zombies @ Pixel Action Heroes and ate “fried egg with nothing” (melt butter in pan, add egg + salt (and random spices)). After doubting whether I should take a jacket with me or not (I’m not), I am now going to “air up” my tyres and start cyclingg.  

    I just found out that I’m allowed to drive a tractor? Haha. 

    Before I left, I also unsubscribed my grandfather from the Vara gids. 

    17:41 (05:41 PM) 

    Some things I can’t share here anymore due to the “reefer madness” level of reasoning of some parties in my “close social environment”. 

    18:23 (06:23 PM) 

    There was a folder with the old Nosce Te Ipsum episode on my computer? Grrrrrrrr

    The new one I still have though haha

    Protect my external hard drive? 

    There to the right is a video of me throwing away the stack of aripiprazol* before going to the counter to print my boarding pass etc

    My desktop :p

    Is het een “s t r a a t v e r b o d”?? [Does that exist in every country?]

    Has anyone seen my B?  :[

    Haha even serieus¿¿

    Een samenvatting van wat ik weet is [what multiple people have told me]:

    “Je hebt je moeder heel erg aan het huilen gemaakt. We hebben allemaal een bericht van een Facebookpagina gedeeld (????????) [heeft er iemand een screenshot? Ik heb het nooit gezien]. Het ging echt viral haha oh my god. Toen jij gezocht werd, werd Benoît ook gezocht.”

    ANDERE DETAILS WAREN AL VERGETEN, IS MIJ VERTELD :D. EN DAN WORDT HET RAAR GEVONDEN DAT IK ER NOG AAN DENK? IK HAD EEN PUBLIC RELATIONS BEDRIJF. But now I know: “To make it, I don’t have to make it here.” [I JUST MADE THAT UP.] Haha just go international from the start :D. 

    He is/was [will I ever see him again¿] my only outspoken cooperative Graeyniss this far, in the physical realm… Without this project succeeding, I’ll be in biiig trouble when it comes to getting out of student debt while living a life I want to live. 

    But without my B, I’ll never be able to fully succeed :[. I have the strategy, he has a better network than I have… Plus, he’s so Cuddle :D. 

    Haha is this “different in a random way” for putting this on Facebook? 


    As in my audience is anonymous? 

    Let’s do something¿

    Ah meoow but that’s why I’m writing this book. I always make the first move -.-”

    Surprise me by making the first move :D. That would make me so happy… 

    In any other case, I’ll be writing for mass engagement 😀

    19:53 (07:53 PM) 

    Κην υου ριεδ Κυδδλε? 😀 <3


    Κην υου???

    I voted “Yes” :D. You can already vote, if you like… 

    The second option will become “No”, when I get home. I made this poll on my phone, and on that I can’t seem to be able to change the answer text for the radio buttons. 

    20:05 (08:05 PM) 

    I already finished the parts of writing I wanted to do here today. Yay :D. It’s more fun when it’s done :D. Then we can Cuddleee…

    * Their test format, with reference to the previous picture, was….

    Okay, look…

    When you’re near me, you can sometimes clearly see my skull move. And I said: “Every time you see my skull move, I hear his voice. That is something I like [a lotttttttt].” I said that “in confidence”. That back-fired big time. 

    Their “research format” (*”barf”*) was: 

    “Do you hear voice?” 

    • Yes = pills
    • No = no pills

      “In the beginning”, after my sister, parents and I came back from the EHBO and all of a sudden there were two “psychiatrists” in my bedroom, I didn’t talk. I don’t remember the first time I took their medication, but after I was found after having been missing, at least twice a week there were “doctors” in my house. I told them I didn’t want their “help” and denied their medication. I kept denying that I heard a voice, even though I hear one through the movement of my skull [You can seriously feel it… But calling me crazy would be “the easy way out”]. 

      After a few MONTHS and their frequent visits, I decided to change my script, hoping that they would then fucking stop wanting to talk to me and call me crazy. This one “psychiatrist on nurse level” (“VERPLEEGKUNDIGE”) said: “Yes, you can really trust me. I will not consider it impossible and base my diagnosis on that.” 

      AND THEN SHE DID :D. “Brain-to-brain communication is not real”, they say… 

      [BUT I CAN PROVE IT!! If ANYONE would let me. Just for one hug from him?]

      I then started with fluanxol. The muscle stiffness was ve-ry heavy on me. 

      While on medication [haldol, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes.” (Ik kreeg een “kaakklem”. That is where you lose control of your jaw and tongue muscles and can’t stop sticking out your tongue and showing your teeth, to pull them back in and do the same thing again. Uncontrollable. They gave me an antidote?)

      New type of medication [risperidon, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes. Also, I WANT TO DIE.” [In Erasmus Medisch Centrum, I tried to kill myself. (But they take away sharp things etc… As you can see, I didn’t succeed.) But many patients there HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.] 

      New type of medication, because the two-week meds test trial ended: 

      Off medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.]  “We still want you to take medication for at least a year, since “you are a schizophrenic”.”

      Very fakely on medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.] “Great! Now you only have to do a blood test [but apparently this was going to be a frequent thing] and visit us once a week.” If I didn’t, they would start a court case against me. The first blood test, I took an overdose the day before (and lied to the “”friend” of my parents who was their messenger, asking me shit when I broke contact with them” about taking them D A I L Y like I was ORDERED TO) 

      21:07 (09:07 PM) 

      I just came back home. Haha my entire personal life is public :D. I like transparency. The Dutch / they say: “Don’t tell anyone personal things. You might be assassinated for it.” 

      You knew I was at the university¿

      Haha it was Cuddle :D. 

      I might finish my heartache story after “dinner”. This was in the old Nosce Te Ipsum. Should I include it?? 😀 Should I include them both?? 😀 Episode 1 and 2, previously deleted… 

      I’ll check my external hard drive!! 

      I’ll allow (haters) + people who understand my writing to propose corrections and then allow my hand-picked Cuddles to accept or decline them AND PUBLISH THEM WITH COMMENTS???. I don’t let my book be proofread. (Because of slow reading for misplaced commas and other nonsense and wanting to be Cuddles fast + it’s my book so if you want to write, write your own book :D.)

      I wonder what my web-traffic increase is 😀

      I made this in the Erasmus hospital. It was a “creativity assignment”. (THE HUMILIATION.)

      It says:

      1. Getting the fuck out of here. (Before Christmas. All of us.)
      2. (Contributing to) eternal peace
      3. Moving to a different country

        In Cuddle :D. 

        22:46 (10:46 PM) 

        My battery is going to die. I’ll be playing Pixel Action Heroes in my bed. 

        I love you, my Cuddle

        Good night


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        Saturday, September 15, 2018

        12:43 (AM) 

        My Sweetniss <3

        I’m trying to bridge the gap between my “web-traffic life” and “my existence ft. sapiens”. In “my existence ft sapiens” most people do not know that I am Lil Fangs. In my web traffic life, my audience is practically anonymous. I can see the web traffic increase every day [THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! <3], but I can’t see who my visitors are. 

        I made a Facebook page? I doubt if the engagement I will receive there will be large, but why not give it a shot, right?

        Could you please help me make this page a little less awkward? 😀

        From my 490 “friends” [I had “more”, before….], I have 2 likes this far :D. I wonder if I’ll ever reach “friend-of-a-friend”-level through likes and shares… (This is how you learn who your friends are. I already knew how painful this was going to be when I started to make it…) 

        Hahahaha ohh let’s see if I can still find the posts that Facebook declined… 

        Nope :D. 

        I wrote this entire piece about how I want to use that page as an “audience filter”.

        I said that I think FB has two types of audience. The type that lives for shallow gossip and the “Well, if you want it that bad. Giving in is less dreadful than trying to explain my opinion to you”-type. And that I do not want shallow people to engage in my projects AHAHAHAHA it feels so random to write that on a business page!!!! 

        I can now see that 18 people have looked at the post, and one person engaged in it. Shout out to you, my Cuddle! 

        As I knew, way way waaaay back, I will have to sponsor my content to get it liked :D. My ad is now “under review”.

        Ah meow, I need to work on this assignment

        And then get back to writing the new episode hehehehehehe :D. 

        ~ Intermezzo of yesterday’s unposted images ~


        Still haven’t had time to read itt. I wanted to show you this :]. It was my grandfather’s


        Haha the drunk and high me had fun yesterday. 

        14:35 (02:35 PM) 

        Haha “statistics”….

        I still need to eat. I want to brush my teeth (and shower) before I do, so I was waiting until the shower was free :]. (Is that something you have ever done, too?)

        Haha by supporting me, you show thay you’re not left-wing or right-wing. You’re also not in between. You’re above! We’re above :D. 

        16:24 (04:24 PM) 

        Haha you must be surprised, my Graeyniss? My writing is better than “that”…

        17:11 (05:11 PM) 

        Haha okay I’ll use today to relax some more, for my body needs this. I write Nosce Te Ipsum for relaxation¿

        Writing is fun, I think, but when I do it for too many hours in a day, the position I write or type in becomes a bit annoying. I don’t think our bodies are made for sitting and laying down for most parts of the day. 

        19:33 (07:33 PM) 

        Haha meow¿

        Haha people find this funny?

        I haven’t had dinner in three days… I have this option of eating this now three days old vegetarian takeout roti, but that was the reason I preferred not to eat in the first place… It’s not the roti that makes me do this, it’s the takeout aspect… 

        I find it “funny” how as soon as there’s some bad rumor spread about me, sooo many people engage in spreading the word, but my “better news” post has 1 like from my “personal circle” x_x. I really wonder what they wrote about me, when I was “missing”. They were all making me feel so shitty for saying that I have made them “sooooo worried”. Someone has told them to take their shared message off the internet? Who? To this day, I still don’t know what has actually happend… But I’m afraid I’ll lose it if they start about how they too believe that I’m crazy etc AGAIN, so here I am, pondering… 

        Blog, Images, Media, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Videos

        Friday, September 14, 2018


        11:13 (AM) 

        Good morning, my Cuddle <3

        I hope you’re just as pre-excited for the Nosce Te Ipsum release as I am :]. I like how I’ve extended the quest and (engagement) information about my (business) projects. 

        I’ve been putting a lot of thought into agreeing with paying half of the £2.928,- tuition fee and my father paying the other half… That would be the entire “uitzet” I’ve been saving up for… I’d rather die than go back to sitting behind a desk most of my time, doing routinous work that is so easy for me I become so bored so fast, and the level of conversation being on that same level… I want to make my living by using my creative talents, so school was more for “you need to get out of the house and have something to do” and “in case my success is limited” reasons… 

        I still need to print new business cards… And I’d like to do a professional photoshoot… And make new logos (my Cuddle)…………… (Or at least, I’d like to have the designs I could draw on paper for you, as my logos… I’m not so good at “finding the balance between dpi, background transparency and retina”…)

        But making this known to the person paying the other half could have very negative consequences… (I’m aware of them reading these words too and then not saying anything about it, though.) Please be aware of how this can disrupt what I’ve been creating for you. They unfortunately have more authority over me, in this case… [Do not make children if you do not intend to pay for the basic funding of their future, please………. I didn’t sign up for this? They signed me up…. (If it was planned, says November… As a relationship gift……??? (Is what I have been told…)) Yepp my 22nd birthday is on November 1st. I hope I can celebrate this with my Cuddles :D.]

        I guess, by declining the rest of my study, I’ll HAVE TO move, to prevent myself from being taken into an institution again… 

        If I invest in a place to stay, that must be a place I intend to stay at for longer than a year. I want to, before the island Planet Fang [you’re moving, too, right??] comes into existence, live somewhere in California. 

        Part of me has become so tired of chilling inside and similar chillings in public places… Sometimes I think “let’s get it over with” and blurt out my heartache for still not recently having seen Benoît like I want to. [See what I did there? ;)] That would set in motion a chain reaction of legal and medical measures I do not want, but don’t have the authority to say no to. It’s financially and audience related strategically more advantageous… 

        I haven’t seen him since the last time we hung out in his office, talking about some of my business plans and other stuff. (I have proof of this.) We planned to hang out another time, but by that time I was stuck in the psychiatric system, for “the experts” say I have never seen him; I am a dropout (again¿), so he wouldn’t want to hang out with me; this has nothing to do with brain-to-brain communication, were one of the lies of my beliefs I had to tell them to get out. What I’ve often said in rage, was: WELL, IF YOU’RE SO SURE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST INVITE HIM OVER???? OR ALLOW ME TO INVITE HIM OVER? THIS IS NOT PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH. THIS IS GUESSWORK!!! I DON’T THINK HE WOULD MIND, ESPECIALLY NOT IF HE WOULD BE INFORMED ABOUT ME HAVING TO TAKE LORAZEPAM, FLUANXOL, HALDOL, RISPERIDON, ARIPIPRAZOL ET CETERA FOR TELLING MY PARENTS THAT I INTEND TO SPEND SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE TIME WITH HIM. HEY WAAROM ZO HARDNEKKIG? HET IS TOCH NIET ZO ERG DAT IK MET HEM WIL SAMENWERKEN?? 

        Oh my god, every conversation they would ask me questions about him and then say: “I don’t understand why you believe this all happend. You’re clearly mentally ill and you should accept our diagnosis.” (I FUCKING NEVER DID. I ONLY TOOK THOSE MEDS I AM SOOOO INTOLERANT OF (at some point I started to fake it) BECAUSE ONLY UNDER THAT CONDITION THEY WOULD LET ME OUT OF THE INSTITUTION I WAS IN “ON A VOLUNTARY BASIS”. I WAS TOO BROKE THEN TO LEGALLY POINT OUT THAT WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING IS SO AGAINST THE LAW. (This started IN APRIL 2017.) 


        He lend me the books A Curious Mind and Economix (in French). I’d shown them this. [WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BUY A BOOK IN FRENCH????? They didn’t believe it was his…] I returned them around February 2018, hoping to find him in his office, but he wasn’t there and I felt so awkward about being in that hallway that I left them in his mailbox, together with a print-out of a part of the Nosce Te Ipsum strategy, with the contract… This is so random, but we used to mail back and forth and hang out, and suddenly he’s not responding to my e-mails anymore? :[ 

        Ah grrr, it would be so satisfying to show these un-cuddle flehs that he really is my Cuddle (in terms of being friends/acquaintances)….

        I could “blow up” the court case that could thrive if they find that I’m crossing the line again and use that TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY and kick-start my career (was what was my intention the last time I went to the US). 

        My first words will be: “I WILL NOT BE SPEAKING TO ANYONE WITHOUT MY LAWYER.” [My Cuddle…? ;)] I will do most of the defending myself. Ah prr having this one Cuddle who managed to complete his Law study in my lucky number amount of years, who could then also say “FUCK THAT” to being stuck in some very shady sounding system and being way too close to the fire (of water and many small roads), because what are escape plans if you’d be framed, as my lawyer would be soooo Cuddle!! <3 

        Did you know I collect Tallnissis? They’re so hard to find… I’m 174 cm = 5 feet & 8.5 inches. That’s one of the many reasons why I need my B, too :[. Hehe I want to feel all wrapped in love and safety when we cuddle. 

        I want to see my medical record, before I let the lies be wiped out, but I guess, since the psychiatric staff of “het Erasmus Medisch Centrum” and Bavo Europoort [“and the trans-culturele therapie van Glenn Helberg”, IF THEY DON’T TAKE MY PARENTS OUT OF MY FILES RIGHT THIS INSTANT] (FUCK ALL OF THEM [dit gaat via zoekwoorden, toch? ;)] ) DON’T EVEN WANT TO SHOW ME WHAT THEY’VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ME [they tell me “we’re too busy”, while I’ve literally seen staff members PLAY FUCKING RUNESCAPE…], I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO DO THAT????? Since, according to the Patriot Act, the U.S. government is allowed to view Dutch medical records…… [BUT I HAVE SOME OF THEIR SUMMARIES HERE, PRINTED OUT WITH NAMES AND ALL ;).]



        Don’t forget the “You have only met him in private twice. You can’t possibly have real feelings for him.” I STILL WANT TO FUCKING FANG THAT PERSON. I’m now afraid of saying it :[.

        My Cuddle, I’m afraid my case is so dangerous to a very fraudulent regime, I need many forms of protection. I need a small army of hackers to defend my online capital, for starters… 

        [Notice the build-up in the coming release of Nosce Te Ipsum and what I tell you in my diary? This is more than planned. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, my Cuddle…]

        An awkward “classic”:

        17:27 (05:27 PM) 

        Zzzzz spierpijn?

        I just put my semi-selfmade croissants in the oven. That will be my first food of the day.

        Because the question started with: “Are you okay? You’re in bed all day. You probably don’t want to go, but…” I’m going to my cousin’s singing performance in a cocktail bar tonight. It’s also to safeguard my state of mental sanity, because last time shit went wrong, in the sense that my mother(?) found that I was going crazy for being less outgoing, she started with pointing out everything “weird about me” as well. She is not able to understand my writing, SO FUCK IT :D. HER “ENCOURAGING WORDS” WERE “I HOPE YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOUR WRITING”. I GUESS 1000+ HITS A DAY MEANS I DID? SORRY DAT IK HAAR GELOOFDE, PA :D. SCHEID EN VERHUIS MEE¿ I think my business will reach its multi-component state before yours will…? 

        I’m completely left in the dark when it comes to knowing who to trust based on their role relating to what side of the regime they support. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who will not hurt me. So I stay in bed :D. Until I find my Cuddles in real life… 

        My top-level Graeynissis. You know how some people act all ambitious around you, right? They want the status. They lack passion. The market for my products is so fucking miniscule, when it comes to people of my age….. The only people I easily meet these days are people of my age… The only people I generally don’t have a-ny-thing in common with are people of my age… And from my looks I will be marked as “wild cuddle cat”, so we’re prohibited to/from(?) cuddle/cuddling :[.

        So let’s just be Cuddles, right, my Graeyniss? Fuck it :D. Life is too short to be caged in!! Don’t be scared, my Cuddlebird! You’ll be safe! You’re the reason why I’m doing it this way. Our mission for world peace can’t be sabotaged, because the not digitally distributed underlying strategy that I have indirectly been telling you through these posts, will not be understood through these posts by people with bad intentions for us, because digging for shit here is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack :D. 

        19:39 (07:39 PM) 

        Muscle stiffness, possible sudden death (my “mandatorily made” choice from a list) and other shit from medication?

        Not anymore :D. April 2018 I ran away, because I had to do a mandatory blood test. The day after I was supposed to do the test, I ran off to Paris. The day after I came back from Paris (April 27, Koningsdag), with my sister and parents I went to Suriname for three weeks. Two days after being back, I ran off to the United States and FINANCIALLY managed to live there for two weeks :D… (ONLY THERE THE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO “UNNOTICED” BEING TAKEN IN FOR RUNNING AWAY AND NOT TAKING MEDICATION IF YOU HAVE BEEN LABELED AS “MENTALLY ILL”, BECAUSE OF CLOSED BORDERS VS OPEN BORDERS IN EUROPE). THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE ME IN BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN THE COUNTRY ON WORKDAYS. 


        I WILL “””””GLO UP””””” LATER THO. 



        She told me it started somewhere in between 22:30 – 23:30?

        It would be so much fun to see you there…… 

        I will not be putting this on Instagram :D. What’s the point??? 

        I only want justice for myself (and my Cuddle(s))?


        I’LL INSTA NOT LIVESTREAM(?) FILM AT THE “CONCERT”? (Because of the 0 views ba-dum-tss….)

        Has anyone seen my B?  :[

        22:44 (10:44 PM)

        I’m on my way to George’s Cocktail lounge? 

        I decided on after marketing. 

        You know that moment when you’re so fucked up you just…

        That was “sarcasm”… A “pee pole” across the town hall is pretty “barbarian”… I want to moveee 😀

        23:48 (11:48 PM) 

        I think it’s too awkward to film…? I thought there was going to be a crowd ahahahah. 

        My Cuddle, this is a secrettt. So what’s the legal part of this “underground decision”…? We’re trying to improve our system so that these kind of things don’t have to happen, rightt? 

        Haha my examssss. 

        I’ll still log?? 

        00:19 (AM) 

        I thought maybe I should show you some “highlights”, but the lighting is too awkward :D. And so is my data usage!! And my battery too…. 

        Haha my level of randomness is going up, luckily (that’s a good thing). Yours should, too, my Cuddle! We should free ourselves from what we feel when FUCKING JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE CONSTANTLY FUCKING KEEEP THEIR EYES ON YOUR SHIT SOOOOOO FOCUSED IT MAKES ME WANT TO SAY “HEB JE NIKS TE DOEN OFZO?????”. OF KOM MET EEN ONDERWERP DAT INHOUD HEEFT. HOE DURF JE HIERVOOR MIJN AANDACHT TE VRAGEN????

        Shout out to my piano/keyboard players all over the world whoop whoooop!!

        I’m not even drunk yet :D. But I reached the level “I should not sing harder, otherwise you won’t be heard!” What an accomplishment :D. 

        The other female singer here is so Cuddle :D. Lately I’ve been meeting so many people, I’m starting to become “bad with names”…

        I think I’ll be breaking the sound borders soon :D. Since “my example” HAHA NAHHHH DON’T GET ME STARTED fammmmmm has given me this example :p. 

        [I didn’t like how potentially hurtful relatives were gazing at my phone screen as I was writing, so that’s why my messages were written in a form of code only you understand, my Cuddle.]

        03:03 (AM) 


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        Thursday, September 13, 2018

        14:18 (02:18 PM) 

        Good afternoon :] <3

        I hope you have plans of engaging in my projects. You won’t regret this! 😀 (If you’re Cuddle…) The info on how to engage will be published on September 30th. 

        My next statistics deadline is the 17th. It was my intention, since the assessment has 15 questions, to do about 30% of the questions today. (I started today.) I’ve already done 40% now, so I find that I have the rest of the day “off” again. 

        Haha “Pixel Action Heroes” is such a fun game! I’ve been playing it this morning as well… The “zombie” levels. It’s basically zombie Minecraft. My “high score” is 9 waves, with idk how many kills haha.

        I think I’ll go to the gym now and then head over to Erasmus to write some. I still have a lot of writing to do, but as soon as the “maybe I should not write this down because then people might complain” hesitation starts to fade, which is what I call “getting in my zone”, I could write an entire book in a day. 

        The thought of going to that location, with all of those Graeynissis, makes me kind of nervous. But it’s “the good kind of nervous”? Haha. The “attraction kind”…

        By the way, Run It Back (Freestyle) by Kirk Knight is ve-ry good :D. For some reason Spotify crashes when I try to share it. (Is it because the song is too lit?  ;])

        Change of plans: it will be gym, wash fro & write at home, because by that time the table downstairs will probably be free. I’m on the top floor right now. Melting haha. It’s too warm to focus here. 

        Excuse my fears for flooding and not ever seeing my B anymore and getting taken into an institution against my will, by the way. I’m currently powerless in all three situations, it seems. I would love to change that… They are one of the many motives for me doing all of this. 

        16:18 (04:18 PM) 

        Some pre-gym selfies:

        Why wear a wig to the gym, right??  😀

        I’m eating this granola bar, to prevent myself from fainting, due to the fact that I usually only eat when I’m too hungry or when there’s something I find very tasty. 

        17:36 (05:36 PM) 

        Spot the Rebelniss in this picture

        Look at my gym bag 😀

        I’m just trying to keep your mind off things by randomly showing and sharing things. You should do the same, so that I could keep my mind off things as well :D. 

        I’ve had some good conversations with someone who works at the gym I’ve been a member of since I was 8 :].

        20:23 (08:23 PM) 

        I’m going to the gym with my father on Saturday :]

        21:33 (09:33 PM) 

        Free(gre)asy advertising¿ Normally people get paid for this haha

        I’ll be paying half¿ Luckily it’s only one module, even though I’ll have to approach them for this, since this is level 2 and I’m late :D. “De “52%” schaal. Helemaal vergeten… -.-” “

        Clean slates… I’ll be writing xxx

        22:57 (10:57 PM) 

        I won’t spoil the exact content 😉 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Wednesday, September 12, 2018

        13:40 (01:40 PM) 

        My Cuddle 😀 <3

        How are you today? 

        I handed in my first test out of three, right before I left the house. The deadline is 01:00 AM on September 13, so I found that I had the right to give myself “a day off” and write and go shopping :]. Haha “shopping”… I need a non-programmable calculator for my mathematics test. The non-programmable one I have now (but I used my programmable calculator instead of the university’s computer program for certain calculations), doesn’t show fractions the way I prefer to see them. So I’ll be buying that. I thought of purchasing the Nintendo Switch, too, but I’ll wait with that until “minimally” next month… 

        14:50 (02:50 PM) 

        HAHA change of plans :D. 

        “LAN Tea Party?” haha #Fashionnova

        Should I put click-ads on my blog? Even “big news sources” [in the Netherlands?] have ads on them… 

        I’m going to make my own ads :D. Then I keep 100% of the revenue. You could get a share, if you like? 

        You can sign up by filling out the new Nosce Te Ipsum. I plan on starting to write it tonight. The previously deleted Nosce Te Ipsum II Episode included a contract that would unite us. 

        Beurs is trouwens geen gunstige woonlocatie als je dit in overweging neemt tegelijkertijd met de achterliggende strategie in het Deltaplan. Ik ken de Nederlandse geschiedenis niet zo goed meer? De dijken enzo worden op een gegeven moment toch oud? 

        16:22 (04:22 PM) 

        How much do you pay for these games in your country of residence?

        It would be nice to play Nintendo together :D. 

        Depending on the amount of Graeynissis? 

        17:11 (05:11 PM) 

        I just had a ve-ry unpleasant discussion with my mother. 

        She came back home. I just installed the Nintendo Switch. 

        Whatever the outcome will be (because this will be a follow-up of the previously mentioned “Ik wil zelfbeschikkingsrecht behouden en dit wordt me afgenomen omdat (EEN VAN MIJN) ouders me iets opdringt?”)……

        Please be on stand-by, my Cuddle :[.

        In case she calls the “acute dienst” on me again.

        “Have you gone to the coffeeshop today? I notice it. You’re acting different.”

        “How am I acting different?”

        “It’s just different.”

        “Please explain what the difference is. I feel insulted by your words and would like to know why you said this.”

        Was how it started…. 

        “I’ve been back on full steam since December.”

        “Yes, I have been noticing that since December.”

        “What (kind of “badness”) is there to notice? Before December, I was in the hospital. After December, I went back to school and have had a job. Have you seen my grades?”


        “Why are we still talking about this? This has become an uncomfortable conversation.”

        “Uncomfortable conversations are a part of life. I have uncomfortable conversations every day.”

        “You shouldn’t have those conversations. Want a controller?”

        “I actually should have…”

        “Want a controller?”

        “No, I don’t like video games.”

        “You don’t like video games, I don’t like uncomfortable conversations. Please just let me play.”

        “Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore.”


        I’m going to take my mind off this for a second. This is my off day (IS WHAT I SAID).

        22:51 (10:51 PM) 

        Ah, prrr, my Meow

        Imagine us in the colder season

        All cuddled up underneath the sheets

        Playing video games ( ^ 3 ^ )

        We can’t be putting our minds to (literal?) “serious shit” all of the time, right?

        I cooked this earlier today. A combination of coconut milk, massala and hoisin sauce, on chicken fillet for the rest of the family and on cod fish for myself. And this pre-packaged mix of cut (they call it “Thai”) vegetables. 

        Today should have been the day to discuss the possible payment of my tuition. I should sign up, to stay entitled to study financing. Then I wouldn’t have to work  to pay my for my living expenses and small business investments, in the meantime. This until my products start selling enough to market / to look professional or trustworthy enough for partnerships with other sole proprietors, as an institution that is mainly concerned with research (publishing), entertainment [controversy] (also other fields that include many forms of design, IT, finance, etc). You, my Graeyniss, might not be a sole proprietor yet. But you should become one. Let’s be Cuddles :D. 

        I think I should stay in school on the side, because I then have a more comfortable back up, in case my business doesn’t thrive. I’ll, then, probably still have to move out as soon as possible, though… 

        Also, I prefer economics/finance related topics over statistics… Tomorrow I’ll be working on the last part of the statistics test. I’ll also have to study Maths after I finish that, and for writing Nosce Te Ipsum I need full days instead of just a few hours a day, for “getting in my zone reasons”, so the publication date will become the 31st for sure. I wanted to make it sooner [hoping that I could physically unite us and spread my wings sooner], but I also need to not put too much pressure on myself.

        I wish I could cuddle my B :[. This will happen some day, right? :[ I have very often and in many ways been told to “move on”, but my love for him is way too strong… 

        I’ll be playing some “Pixel Action Heroes” (reminds me of Doom) and then go to sleep

        It’s funny how I currently “only know my father and sister through what my mother tells me”. Am I too eager to trust, in this case?  If she, tomorrow, decides to open fire again, and these FLEH doctors will be involved again, I hope you’d like to testify for me. I’m currently powerless against them… 

        What’s the fastest way to get out of this situation? 

        Good night, my Cuddle <3

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, September 10, 2018

        12:36 (PM) 

        My Cuddle <3

        How was your morning? 

        I just ate some “saffron cream” fish with couscous as my first meal of the day. Before that I’ve been laying (cuddling, laking….) in bed all the time, thinking about strategy and assembling Graeynissis. 

        You should really make that wild career switch and join my start-up :D. In your current field, you’re now in the position to select and prepare the right people to take over your position one day. The issue is that most people who have the capacity to do this, care about quantity more than quality. You could also pass your position to a computer and then make that computer part of the start-up. In that way you never quit “:D”. Whatever you publicly do that is Fangs related, some people will say that being my Cuddle is a bad move. The thing is that the people who say that, could also be replaced by a computer. You’re far more intelligent than them, and [yes, comma + and] by becoming part of this organization, you will be working with people you can REALLY level with. 

        So now D. O. C. I. S. International has two names: Fangs and D.O.C.I.S. International (my phone automatically adds spaces after dots). It is my intention to start a private holding under the name D. O. C. I. S. International and then make Fangs a separate private holding, just like the many other components of this organization. (But that only when the “active audience” is large enough.) 

        Part of me feels tense for giving away business information, because “quantity hungry” people could steal these ideas (is what I have been taught). BUT I DO LIVE TO CRUSH THE COMPETITION :D. (This because I do not want to risk not being able to pay for salaries etc anymore.) You better be on my siiideee. You won’t find a better multi-talented prospect than me, so why even keep searching :D. Under water the whole system doesn’t even exist!!! (Just like computers, which is why the “Liée for doing things manually/on paper”. And having these chips that never get fucked up from water (in the first place?) @ water resistant computers?)

        Also, I Googled the Auberge…. It isn’t that Graeyniss, maybe…?  Haha see, that’s why I so rarely come across them :[. I don’t even know what Graeynissis like :[. 

        I’m going to shower and stuff


        13:54 (01:54 PM) 

        Wtf? Haha

        Can anyone tell me where that harbor is with thousands of ships to save millions of people? Is it next to the place where weapons and army planes (F16’s) are constructed and kept? :p Haha what will they use to save themselves? Maybe they’ll go back to doing VOC / WIC shit. 

        My Cuddle, will you sign my concord? 

        This will become a chapter in the new Nosce Te Ipsum. But first, there’s this test :D. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, September 9, 2018

        06:24 (AM) 

        My Cuddle!  <3

        Let’s do something fast?

        I can’t sleep because I keep imagining how things could go down x_x. Talk to me :[. (By that I mean please reason along. I’m trying to find a new way for us to live.) 

        It’s interesting how the government is keeping people stuck in this country (with so much ease). They indirectly, through (social) media (PR), say their country is number one and other countries “aren’t doing very well” in terms of their safety. (SO A LOT OF DUTCH PEOPLE ALREADY STAY INSIDE AND CLOSE THEIR DOORS AND WINDOWS. THEY DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE ANYMORE!! :[ (in their free time)) Also, the majority can’t emigrate whenever they want to, because of financial and bureaucracy reasons. WHAT IS FREEDOM? 

        Everyone’s their ally, but that’s their an environmental threat to everyone. (“A sea full of cars and containers heading your way.”) And then they turn it into something financial. I think people have forgotten what they strive for, now that the corporations they work for strive for maximum profit. It used to be about WHAT your contribution is. Now it’s “as long as you work, you’re “a good” in this community”. I used to say it’s good to pay taxes, because it allows for people to receive welfare. Of course the government (that includes the king (what’s his purpose? Especially when we’te all getting flooded and he will already be abroad?)) can already pay for it, just from the 21% tax they receive over your purchases. They say Dutch people are known for not buying much at once. That must be because national prices for things are relatively high. No space to grow foods, too many people… There are taxes on medication?. “Only” 6%!!! We pay for our own medication? Can someone put the dictator running this country on a boat into the middle of the ocean? (THIS IS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU, MY CUDDLE (FROM ABROAD), HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IN SCHOOL!!!) 



        NEEM DE LEIDING NIET. JE GAAT ALLEEN MAAR OP EEN STEEN WILLEN ZITTEN. VEEL MEER BEN JE MISSCHIEN OOK NIET GEWEND in zo’n situatie?. (Of nja, je kan natuurlijk de leiding nemen, maar ik kies liever mijn eigen weg…) 

        It was like I had forgotten about the natural threat “I was born with”. I suddenly remembered the intense fear I used to live in. (Can I emigrate with student debt…..?)

        The purpose of life is not profit maximization. It’s also not to look good. It’s also not to obtain a high status. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT TO FAKELY DISCUSS FUCKING ISSUES THAT ACTUALLY DON’T EXIST AND THEN ALWAYS SOMEHOW MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE IT’S VE-RY SERIOUS. 

        If my father were to invest in my business, things would be un-shadied? 

        Shout out to the people who say “I don’t believe you if you don’t show your source,” while the majority of (mass/mainstream) sources is crooked? Ahahahahha “Het is waar, want het stond op”??????? NEEEE TOCH? 

        Yesterday I ate a protein bar and some tomato soup. Every day, I think: I don’t like the taste of (for mass production) genetically modified imported foods, but what am I going to eat today? Will I finally see my B today? I cannot be in the same state as I am in now, on OCTOBER 2ND :[. I want a cuddleee. As in cuddle me please :D. Ah meow I’m really not in the mood for hanging out, talking about airy shit and then PEOPLE ASKING ME ABOUT MY PAIN AND THEN WANTING TO FUCKING POINT OUT WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG ACCORDING TO THEM. I DO NOT DO THAT TO YOUR FACE EITHER. I ONLY FUCKING WRITE IT DOWN. I DON’T EVEN SAY IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. If you feel offended by my words, feel free TO DO THE SAME THING AS I DO. 

        If you’d stay inside and close your doors and windows and the second wave makes the water level +5m, you’d run out of oxygen? Are these houses water proof? The difference between the (Rotterdam) Maas and the Seine is intense… 

        12:00 (PM) 

        What are the things that have been propagated on a mass scale in the period that I was missing? What has been said about me? (Was it the truth? I doubt it….) (How) was B involved? It’s too bad the people in my environment don’t remember it. At least, that is what I have been told. Just like I have heard the way I communicate has changed, and my previous personality is not remembered. I forgot, too, for a few weeks. I’m not a fan of antipsychotics (new and old generation) and lorazepam. 

        I have no clue of what the correspondence could have been. I was outside for three days, with a phone that died, because that was the only way I could get out of forced conversations.

        I keep getting an error when trying to post? 

        Does anyone know where my B is? :[ We used to e-mail back and forth and have hung out privately twice. I only have his work email address and his work phone number. He’s inactive on Facebook… I at least want to know how he is doing now :[. My Cuddle :[.

        I risk being assassinated for making this environmental issue they’re trying to keep hidden a largely, actively, OPENLY discussed topic? That’s why I’m not certain anymore about trying to climb up within the Google ranks…? 

        13:00 (01:00 PM) 

        Meow, what to eat…?

        Let’s make pancakes? Or pourridge…? 

        It’s going to be pancakes with (big? The sultana type) raisins, apple parts, cinnamon and vanilla. I’m also using soy milk, instead of cow milk. 

        I wonder if the web traffic statistics I can see are less than the actual traffic? If ‘s Gravenland Cuddles read it?

        If I’ve ever made you feel un-cuddle: that was never my intention :[.

        I’m so afraid they have imprisoned my B after the police had interrogated me way too often, while I was way too tired and I was just trying to make him the first person to see after leaving the station :[. Also, I hoped to see him when I left the house three days before? I want to cuddle him :[. I do not want to be a homewrecker :D.  

        So the book will be published on all popular platforms (and D. O. C. I. S. International…) and I intent to internationally market it on Google and Instagram. There will be two versions of the book, because the online diary format will not be supported in the popular stores [but this idea has changed again]. After these pancakes :D. 

        21:07 (09:07 PM) 

        The essence of the fields, the activities and stances in societal discussions of D. O. C. I. S. International is currently undefined. The outcome of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is there to define this, based on the accumulation of personal Nosce Te Ipsum survey outcomes. 

        00:07 (AM) 

        My Sweetniss 😀

        How was your day? <3

        Mine was all right. I got up very late, baked pancakes, made a Google Ads campaign for, did some other SEO stuff, wrote an intro for the D. O. C. I. S. International website and then deleted it and made a new one, improvised with Jazz chords and socialized with my parents, grandmother, sister (with whom I remember a very Cuddle past) and a friend of hers (who is ve-ry Cuddle :]). I’ve also napped from 7 until 9 and had a very nice dinner. And I did regular things like doing the dishes and setting and “un-setting” the dinner table. 

        I have also pondered a lot about the PR-related design of D. O. C. I. S. International. About clarity of correspondence and partnering with the right people. 

        Also, the deadline for my first assessment is in two days and I haven’t released the episode yet. I want to release an episode I’m truly proud of – which wasn’t really the case for the last edition – so I’m going to continue re-writing it. I will shift my working emphasis to my assessments now, though. On the 12th, 17th and 21st I have deadlines

        Currently, I’m twisting the last “two rows” of my hair. I wear twists underneath my wig.

        You should know that Auberge de Kieviet is THE place to be for Graeynissis on September 21st ;). I’m not sure yet if I should go to the barbecue of the subsidiary of the company I’ve worked at during the summer. I’m in desperate need of more Graeynissis, and am wondering if I should seek them at the location where I have my test (where I’ll be staying from the 20th until the 22nd ;;;;]) or at the barbecue? I hope this Cuddle Graeyniss is going, but I don’t know if he thinks I’m Cuddle. I need tips on how to keep Graeynissis? Haha I think it would be so cool for us to regularly hang out and do Graeyniss things. 

        Please do not think “I can not disturb this Cuddle”. I want to cuddle you :D. 

        Here’s the end result:

        I’m off to bed. 

        Good night, mijn Cishe

        (You know that with the words Cuddle, Cuddleniss, Graeyniss, Sweetniss, etc. I’m referring to you, right? You, who is reading my diary. It must feel as random for you as it does for me? I’m afraid people will think I’m a bad leader for showing my emotions and less “Facebook material” things (AHAHAHAHAHAH) like this, on this blog, but I think reflecting on myself like this is good. It helps me keep an overview of things.)


        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Saturday, September 8, 2018

        10:38 (AM) 

        GOOD MORNING 😀 <3




        THE FIRST ONE IS…. 


        INVESTING IS POSSIBLE IN MA-NY WAYS. By buying my book, by becoming a council member (and stockholder), by becoming a stockholder or by donating / giving away things (sponsoring). 


















        THIS IS THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, MY CUDDLE. LET’S TEAM THE FUCK UP :D. (Dan heb ik tenminste wat te doen…..) 

        22:13 (10:13 PM) 

        The current state of the new Nosce Te Ipsum

        I just learnt that my mother has been reading my blog? Awkward? 

        I’ve been writing on my bed all day. Managed to come a little more loose “around people”. As in I “usually” don’t talk to myself out loud anymore, when there’s someone else in the house, but today I just thought “fuck it”. [The not talking etc was/is from being hurt waaay too often.]

        My body has so much energy stored from being in this position. I didn’t really want to go outside, so I asked if I could smoke a joint in the backyard. After her response, I chose not to. I am afraid of their financial authority over me and the way our conversations can get hurtful. If my purpose was to work behind a desk, I wouldn’t have this form of dependency. THAT’S WHY SOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE DOOOOOON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TRYING TO DO FOR US HERE. 

        I haven’t told them about my blog? I thought its content would be too hurtful. But aiiiight. (I need to let it out somewhere, so let it be here. I am not giving away their identities. There might be people reading this who know how I (we, then) feel.)

        At D. O. C. I. S. International (in case you didn’t know, this is a multi-purpose company), every author gets more than 80% of the purchase price per sold online copy of his or her work. This because it’s way more important to support the maker, instead of the people who turn it into more money. 

        Please invest in me :D. Details on this will be published soon. 

        On the forum/private network… It would be much more comfortable if it weren’t on the “public internet”…? I want to know what “the plans” are when it comes to our safety when the water gets to high? And in other countries? Ha-haaaaa I feel I need to become a Graeyniss ve-ry fast!  Hopefully then we could be . Why isn’t this country colonized yet?  😀 (The “Wtf? They were pioneers in slavery” behind this?) 
        I can’t stop missing Benoît :[. I’ve been (publicly) hiding this for a VEERYYYYYYY long time, but meow :[. I miss our connection. And he’s so cuddlable! (Not that I’ve done this :[. I wish I had. I can only fantasize about it…) I don’t see myself be happy and succesful in this life, without him being my Cuddle :[. (There’s never only one Cuddle, though, my Cuddle!!) 

        I’m going to sleep. I have been pretending that my large pillow is him FOR TWO YEARS NOW. Otherwise I feel too lonely and too unloved :[. 

        Good night, my Cuddle

        I love you so much


        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, September 7, 2018

        11:19 (AM) 

        Good morning, My Cuddle

        What would you like to be the first thing for us to do when we get together? 

        For me, it would be talking in a cuddling position. In Cuddle culture, it is normal to do this amically, whether it is in an informal setting or not. It is so nice to feel the warm embrace of someone who is a true friend. “You can feel the mutual amical love through his or her embrace.” (I’m talking as if I’m used to experiencing that hahahahahah.) We have so much to talk about!!! (So let’s get started ASAP :D.) 


        I’ve been writing the text for the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page on my phone. I think that, after that, I could just take this page out of “public maintenance mode”? [After I’ve changed the footer text as well.] 

        The 175+ page first Nosce Te Ipsum episode was written in 14 days. The second episode, of about 50 pages, was written in 24 hours. I wonder what the rate of satisfaction would be, if I’d compare the current “waiting time” to amount of pages of the current new Nosce Te Ipsum episode. I’ve chosen to replace them, because I want to make it more clear to you how to engage in the project and mention the back story a lot less. Some “members” of my audience have requested me to shorten the back story (about escaping from being structurally limited…) and speak about my business strategy in more detail. I will not mention the back story and describe HOW TO ENGAGE in this business a lot more. If you’re out to just get rich and then sit on your pile of money, watching Netflix, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO BE. HANDS OFF THE BUSINESS STRATEGY THAT HASN’T BEEN PUT INTO PRACTICE EVER BEFORE. IT’S MINE!!!!! I WANT TO USE IT TO DO GOOD AND CONTRIBUTE. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE NUMBERS (unless it’s the “algorithms” used to research all aspects of life) YOU UN-CUDDLE! 

        At first, I wanted to make the release of the websites and the book (episode) release “something big”, but I realize my target audience is immune to marketing campaigns. Plus, I’d like for this entire project to be out of the spotlight. I think it has more room to trive, then, because then it’s easier for me to attract Graeynissis, who need to keep a low profile (or a graet (haha) amount of Graeynissis NEEDS TO STEP FORWARD) and not involve the masses who are not able to understand my writing. Those people just blurt out whatever pessimistic shit comes to mind, because they understand separate sentences, but not the full concept. “It is not right for the director to come across these explicit pictures of you.” (I said: “It’s just my body?”)
        “You need to work on your sentence structure and punctuation. This looks very unprofessional. Professionals will not like that.” I wanted to say: “DO IT YOURSELF. DON’T READ IT IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT. YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT? REAL GRAEYNISSIS CARE ABOUT THE MEANING OF THE CONTENT AND NOT ABOUT HOW IT’S SHAPED.” But I don’t like conflicts, so I just added the DOTS and SEMICOLONS TO THE DRAFT this person pointed out my mistakes in. PEOPLE LOVE TO POINT OUT MY MISTAKES? IF I’D DO THE SAME TO THEM, I WOULD NEVER STOP TALKING. DON’T GET ME STARTED. DON’T FORGET THAT THEY DON’T KNOW THEIR PURPOSE. I DO NOT WANT THEIR ADVICE. 

        Please step forward, my Graeyniss. We need to do this AS A COUNCIL. D. O. C. I. S. International’s website will, on the back-end, have a private forum/social network for Council members. I know you don’t want to work with just anyone. It’s the same for me, but scripture has a “cryptonite” effect on people, so I can just write it down here. Those who could, one day, let’s say we’d become emancipated Graeynissis, be digging for things to make me look bad, and make it seem like we’re the bad guys, would not know where to start looking ;). The pressure they cause should be illegal. I’m not even an official Graeyniss yet. This would be when The Council goes truly public. By that time, Planet Fang should be claimed already. The sooner, the better. Letting go is gooooood, in this case :D. The structure of how you should arrange and value the sapiens in your life, is the ideal you have been taught to live. I say, for us, it’s time for something new. Yes these sapiens might mention how much they care about you, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T EVEN TRULY KNOW YOU, when you say what type of lifestyle you secretly prefer, because you make their life more Cuddle. But you’re not their butler (unless that is your profession, of course……). You know your purpose is not to keep the consumption organ running. [It’s crazy how the government is a group of people who feel like they’re entitled to influence everyone’s fate, take a cuts of your earnings and spendings while not doing anything in return. I don’t know about other governments, from what they make public, but the damage the Dutch government has done, does and will do if they won’t start to seriously think of REAL measures when this country risks to be flooded. This because it’s the literal “current threat”. But AS USUAL, the masses are being distracted with “Breaking News: In Britain, someone named Mohammed couldn’t enter the country and was then given a substitute passport.” AND THAT IS ON THE DUTCH NEWS? WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT OF KNOWING THAT????? IT’S NOT EVEN AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE? TELL ME ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE TRULY GOING TO DO WHEN THE DIKES BREAK. (IT HAS TUNNELS.) THEN I CAN DECIDE IF I RUN TODAY OR RUN TOMORROW? (Not literally… (Because I don’t have enough money for that, haha. Otherwise I would have been gone waaay back already.))

        To “make people drink less” they want to increase taxes (“accijns”) on alcoholic beverages (regular tax is already 21%…). AND THEN PEOPLE DEFEND THAT MEASURE. YES, YOU’RE VERY ENCOURAGED TO CUT DOWN YOUR SPENDINGS, BUT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT MEASURE WOULD JUST MEAN ENDING UP PAYING MORE FOR SOMETHING “YOU MUST NOT DO”.

        13:40 (01:40 PM) 

        You know what I see from my father being on a holiday? The amount of flies in the house is WAY MORE THAN USUAL. He uses this thing he calles “his tennis racket” to kill them while he’s watching TV (which is what is done by the rest of this houshold when being home). I do not like to kill insects (or animals or whatever). Also, they just shouldn’t be here? 

        I don’t want to sound like “de prinses op de erwt” (what they call me), but if MY HOUSE would have flies and larva and shit, and I would earn more than €10.000,- per month, I would THROW OUT EVERYTHING, MOVE OR AT LEAST HIRE A FUCKING HOUSKEEPER. I WOULD ALSO GIVE MY CILDREN AN ALLOWANCE TO ALLOW THEM TO MOVE OUT TO AT LEAST A SIMILAR NEIGHBORHOOD, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TV IS ON EVEN WHEN YOU SLEEP AND THAT SHIT WILL BE KEEPING ME AWAKE AGAIN :D. (Yes. I am doing this indirectly. This is the only way I can stand up for myself. 

        Spot the fly line. I took this yesterday, but felt too ashamed of sharing it. It’s almost like they posed for me?

        Should I call the “insect patrol”? I am not able to pay them… 

        My sister does her own laundry. I am too tired to do mine. I am [yes, started the sentence with “I am” again] doing the dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, trying to keep this place semi-neat, while I tell everyone I’m studying, but actually I am writing, which is what I always do. Hanging out with people (I get these requests every day, but decline them) is so stressful, because I think: “I don’t know shit about what artists or series or whatever is trending in my generation right now. I don’t give a fuck, also, even though I allow you to tell me about it. This because it will give me more time to come up with our next topic, since I won’t be able to talk about this superficial, predictable shit for more than 5 minutes.” Luckily, not everyone in my generation is a zombie who lives for “doing nothing” while gazing at superficial, predictable things. But “unfortunately”(?), the numbers are still very great. 

        16:20 (04:20 PM) 

        I’m eating this egg right now. This is my first meal of the day. I won’t do the usual “breakfast & bake” (I am talking about weed?).

        I wasn’t able to finish this :[

        Wild picture of what I prepared for my sister, her boyfriend and I, but ended up eating by myself

        Mag ik een Cuddle? :[ I’m feeling un-cuddle :[. 

        It’s pre-calculated genocide, teaching young children they can die any second, “because of how powerless we are against nature”. I remember being so worried about this, and then the people in my environment saying: “Boeien. Het is toch niet nu?” A.k.a.: “That only is a problem when it happens.” It already happend “relatively” recently… Search “De Watersnoodramp” and then translate the page? (Then you see the Dutch perspective.) 

        The infrastructure should be organized in such a way that basically the entire country could be evacuated. But the country is already WAAAAAY too overpopulated for that. (Plus if you, as a government, say no to immigrants [is what they say on the news here. I don’t know what the truth is, though…], you should say no to Dutch immigrants as well?) The amount of traffic jams on such random times of day……. (That sentence is an indirect reference to the sentence before that.) 

        Also, what is in the containers in the harbour in Schiemond? From the apartment building we used to live in, that harbour was our “view”… I have been chilling there with people I met around right before I started to work at the ANWB (I now don’t work there anymore. But you already knew that?). The smell in the air there is faaaaaaar from healthy. What is in those containers? They’re just standing there, it seems… 

        Google Images doesn’t have images of this, but on Maps it is slightly visible.

        This “millions of people risk being drowned” should become an actively internationally discussed topic? 

        I think this is a very good reason to speed-release NTI I(A), which is the short way of saying Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1. We need to start to construct this island asap!!! (I already have some sketches.) 

        First, I will be buying groceries and taking out the trash. Meow I’m so done with thattttttt. 

        17:48 (05:48 PM) 

        Here’s a website you can check to see if you will die or not when shit goes down:

        (How the fuck (AND WHY?) do they pre-calculate the water level?) For me, the outcome is:

        Notice the “less than 1% chance” and then the “tomorrow”. I do not understand how people settle for this.

        They say pack your bags? When…???

        There could be a brain drain (as far as that’s possible)? This is not a bad thing, because those who should care are too busy watching Netflix, not even trying to put their minds to it.

        Okay okay ENOUGH OF THIS!!! Aarghhhh it’s on my mind so much. Part of me was looking forward to the colder seasons, because they allow you to cuddle up more, but it can be raining for almost entire days here…. 

        Okay, I “should be focusing on my exams”. Actually, I don’t want to study at all. I like learning, but studying for tests et cetera is such a “same thing, same pressure, different subject” thing. I like to receive study financing, otherwise I would have to have a full time job (since my parents choose to not give me an allowance (not even for my health or phone bills)) to cover my expenses, and that would not leave time for me to write, which is, apart from cuddling, what I like to do most. Or maybe it’s just the reasoning? 

        I don’t like writing all by myself that much, though. Especially not now. These last 5 days I have spent all by myself. Partially, this was a choice. But in another way I had no other option, because my body and mind need to recuperate, and shallow conversations have a very opposite effect on me. Hiding my annoyance or hurt is starting to get to me. 

        What would be the point of me having a degree? If there’s no way I’d work 40 hours ever again, but with my current level of degrees (and that is the only measure these fucking dumb people use), that would be the only way to find an apartment (in a neighborhood I actually don’t want to live in, because I prefer quiet areas) and pay for my basic essentials. Any other parent (who isn’t greedy) would be more generous with an income of at least €10.000,- per month. I don’t like that my environment is non-cooperative with getting my career off the ground. All I want in life is to make a difference by putting my concepts and inventions into practice. I’m not here to “just have fun” because I think the type of things the masses find fun these days are WAAAAAY toooo fucking boring. If you’ve done it once, you’ve done it for all eternity.

        The only way I could ever be truly happy is if I would find TRULY like-minded people (with similar judgment), who have plans at least just as big as mine. If I talk to someone about writing, I do not want to hear all about what that person finds wrong about my writing. It hurts too much. I shouldn’t adapt my writing to anyone. (Yet still I end up explaining myself more than once more often, because I’d like everyone to understand this.) 

        I would love to hear EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING you have written! And what moves you and what kind of other interests you have. My Cuddleniss :D. I think our age difference would make the conversation even more interesting! 

        Why may I not wear no bra in public? It’s just my body? 

        19:56 (07:56 PM) 

        I have no apetite? I still need to make dinner. There are many left-overs in the (not by me) overstacked fridge 

        [Mid Free Online Episode 1]

        Suddenly, while Holy Cat absorbs The Most Attractive One’s Hologram, a man enters the room. Let’s call him Deltaplan. 

        My house? Nahhhhhhhhh thank you :D. I need an investor?

        Kan jij de stormvloedkeringen ook zien zitten? Wanneer gaan we weg?  😀 Caaaatttttttttttttttt ( –    3  – )


        If I would publish my book tonight, before 05:50, would you purchase it? The book gives you a new title, if you complete the Nosce Te Ipsum course, for which you receive a certificate and a renewed CV. 

        How many people would like to move to Planet Fang? The house and Fangia (valuta) you receive through our parliament and senate, are based on your Nosce Te Ipsum answers. 

        00:33 (AM) 



        WHY NOW? WHY NOW? 








        03:30 (AM) 

        Let’s go to Luxembourg? I have never been there before. And that while it is so close to the Netherlands!!!! 

        Or does someone have a party island? I could borrow? 😀 Buy? Expand? 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls

        Thursday, September 6, 2018

        11:53 (AM)

        Good morning!  <3

        How’s your day this far?

        My day is...
        9 votes · 9 answers

        Today, I’ll be working on my websites and Episode 1. (This is “a one woman show” I case you didn’t know this yet :D. I want this to change…) 

        14:08 (02:08 PM) 

        My new wig was delivered yesterday. I just tried it on :D.

        I just decided to go to the supermarket. (I don’t like being in public that much (when I’m not with a (true) Graeyniss).) It’s raining like crazy, so I’m going by car. (Even if it wouldn’t be raining loooool.) 

        I made these pics a while back btw:

        14:48 (02:48 PM) 

        Right now, I’m eating some left over noodles. This is my first meal of the day. (My eating rhythm has been twisted like that all my life.) In the store, I didn’t really “come prepared” (as in I hadn’t made a shopping list), so I just bought things in the categories “dinner” and “breakfast”: unfrozen potatoes cut into the shape of fries, a zucchini, tomatoes and long shaped red paprika’s (the label says “pepper”, but a tomato is more spicy (and smaller) !!!! [Which is why I bought it]) two packs of diced uncooked chicken (?) for my sister and her boyfriend (? but she later ended up eating at his place and then she called me to ask if I could give her a ride home. I don’t know where her boyfriend lives (and no) [I added this part in between brackets after cooking]) 

        So, as I usually do after “breakfast” (since my contract has ended and I thus don’t have to be around people): I’m going to roll a joint and smoke it haha. (Normally it was “after work” or “whenever my parents are not around”.)

        My Cuddle :[

        I see there are more people with “un-cuddle” days compared to those with “awesome” days right now :[. We shouldn’t feel un-cuddle!!!! By working together, we’ll change this!  <3

        Before I mentioned public Cuddles yesterday, I mentioned private Cuddles. This because for you, as a Graeyniss, doing anything that has anything to do with someone who has “Lil” in the name, could harm your reputation for all eternity. And this while it doesn’t say ANYTHING about BOTH YOU AND ME!!!! 

        18:04 (06:04 PM) 

        Here’s “a current overview” of the new Nosce Te Ipsum :D.


        I just received the Fashion Nova package :]

        Here’s my discount code, by the way: (does it still work?) 


        This was yesterday:

        [Costs of holiday vs what I’ve earned at the ANWB………………]

        Some tea?

        I picked this one. (Haha the mess…….)

        I still haven’t decided on the exact release date yet. 24 hours before the websites will go out of maintenance mode, there will be a countdown clock on a black screen. During this period, I will actively market on Instagram (and Facebook……….??? (I don’t want to…) My audience doesn’t like Facebook that much… The “Facebook” audience isn’t my audience, I think…). I could say “Nudge A Graeyniss”? My audience on Instagram isn’t that big either… 

        Why can’t we be Cuddles, my Graeyniss? :[ 

        Haha “Ik wil niet vervelend doen ofzo hoor, maar…. ” Please do it…. (Is it in your IP address?) 

        The adventure :D. The thrill :D. Life is too short to stay inside and watch Netflix, to me!!!! 

        More questions??? 

        Haha please nudge a Graeyniss! The only way to allow the audience to grow, is through the website itself… You don’t click on ads. Or come across them often? 

        Scroll down very fast, if you don’t yet want to know what will be revealed after the coming online of and Docis.International. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but due to certain private circumstances, I am being prohibited from communicating with the rest of The Council. [Does that sound familiar in a different context…? You know what’s up :D.] Only through the words on these pages they can oversee my part of our business spectrum. 

        — SPOILER ALERT!! (DON’T LOOK!!) —- 

        My Cuddle…

        The new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 has an extended and more targeted fill-in-the-gap-story. By participating, depending on the level you choose, you get the title of Practitioner or Illuminatus Intelligens.

        There should be an app for this, which gives you the overview of the goodness in you. Every moment of the day. For now, it’s only pen and paper (which is mandatory for Illuminatus Intelligens). Your progress in getting the Nosce Te Ipsum certificate, your location at all times (for Council members, who receive the corresponding watch), the daily status of your finances, literature adapted to your preference, access to our games, music and videos, etc. 

        I am so exhausted, my Meow :[. This is my last chance ;(.

        [To Be Continued]


        *Un-cuddle thought popping up* The “emergency plan” of the Dutch government really reminds me of Pompeï (Pompeii?). They teach you from birth, basically: “When the alarm goes off, go inside and close all of your doors and windows.” This reminds me of that South Park episode [father and ex watch(ed) this a lot] where they say: “When lava approaches, hide underneath the sheets.” The alarm is not there to announce a war, even though that’s what they say it’s for. When the water levels get too high, you need to run to the highest building possible? Have more broad roads for emergency transportation of definitely more than a million people… It depends on how high the water level gets… The last time this happend was in 1953, right? Haha I want to be able to be out of this country within 20 seconds when this happens :D. 

        Sometimes I get “breaking news” through the car radio as well. I heard them say “The solution to the too great amount of CO2 in the air is to construct an underground matte/mat that will block this.”

        HAHA HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SOLVING THE PROBLEM? The tap water here is filtered rain + ground water, right…? The issues of 17 million+ people on a post stamp size of land. 

        For some reason I want to “know more”… 

        “Halen doelstelling twee graden opwarming wordt lastig” = “To conform to the agreement made about the 2 degrees Celcius increase in heat will be a tough one” (This is a “free translation”. Your translator will show a literal translation, which doesn’t include certain cultural assumptions given by the Dutch text (like the “Celcius”).)

        “Vermindering vervuiling kan zeespiegelstijging remmen” = “Decrease of pollution could slow down the increase of the water levels” HAHA NEWsssssss. IT HAS THE WORD “NEW” IN IT. THIS IS WHAT YOU LEARN IN KINDERGATTEN?????? (“They should know, because then our children could save us.”) Ciaooo :D. Notice the “slow down”????????? 😀

        My Graeyniss, when are we leaving?  😀

        It wouldn’t surprise me for the survivors, who would need to know WAAAAAAAY in advance, to sell “(Underwater) Atlantis Water Tours”. 

        It would be very predictable for a dumb, superficial person to here say that government related worry is because of a mental illness. THINK A-FUCKING-GAIN. 

        Mogen alleen Ridders naar de Olympus, wanneer “Het Deltaplanmoment” zich opnieuw voordoet? Dit in combinatie met de huidige status van de opwarming van de aarde. 

        We should create Planet Fang together!! The numbers on the previously shown image represent neighborhoods. IT’S AN ISLAND.

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls

        Wednesday, September 5, 2018

        10:58 (AM)

        Good morning <3

        How’s your morning?

        The sounds of thunder and rain leave me curled up in my bed. Fall and Winter are (the) Cuddle seasons at this distance of the equator. The constant cold and (semi-)sudden rain, hail or snow allow you to layer up however you want to. These seasons look so Cuddle on you! (Just like the other seasons :].)

        I prefer snow. Especially if temperatures don’t go below zero slightly before or right afterwards (so it’s less slippery). It falls on your skin relatively softly. If you would have to choose between rain, hail or snow, what would you pick?

        My Meow… To get this business off the ground at some point, I need a partnership with at least one Graeyniss. I need more subjects and/or holders of my private stock. This stock is only fruitful when D. O. C. I. S. International is selling the goods and services of more than one party. I don’t feel that comfortable with campaigning about anything, if I don’t have an impression of what my target audience [that’s you, my Meow] would get hyped over. I don’t come across hyped Graeynissis often, but I know you get hyped when no one’s watching… Which is so Cuddle :D. Haha let’s get hyped together?

        My level of education, age and gender make it less easy for me to meet a Graeyniss. In the past I have been lucky and very happy to befriend one. This unfortunately backfired when we started to speak about making a documentary and my parents not wanting me to do business with someone they hadn’t met. We ended up arguing over this and they concluded that it’s more logical to label me as “psychotic” (and have two psychiatrists walk into my room out of nowhere) than that I actually befriended my Graeyniss. They forced me to take so many different types of antipsychotics and forbade me to go outside. I had so much evidence of this Graeyniss actually being my Graeyniss, but I was so shocked over my spoken words not being enough to be considered the truth, that I never showed it to them. They kept monitoring me, until I managed to run away and survive just a few months ago (to their fucking surprise -.-“) and then not having time for their monitoring and pills, because I managed to get myself a full time job at a company they would kill for to work at. When I requested my ESTA and during the job interview, I “should have mentioned that I am a schizophrenic (“who is not taking her medication”)”. I didn’t, because I DO NOT AGREE and nothing happend!!!!!!!  On the phone with the people who needed my help hundreds of kilometers away, in “a crisis situation”, I wasn’t saying: “AAAHHH VOLGENSMIJ STAAT ER EEN GEEST NAAST JE,” or “ZEI JE NOU DAT JE IN GRIEKENLAND WAS?” While this person would then be in Spain or something. No. Even within the company, people from so many different departments have asked me for help. I perceive reality the way it truly is, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it this far. Also, my grades have been quite steady for someone “who should not be able to tell real from fake”. (I hate to use that perspective, which is the way my parents and other people in my environment perceive me.)
        The talking about making a documentary happend around May 2017, I was locked in the house until October 2017, then I, at some point, ended up at the IJsselland Ziekenhuis, which was the first time for me to be away from my parents. When I had to wait for test results, and was allowed to go home, I didn’t want to go home. I also didn’t want any visitors, because the levels of pain I experienced became more intense the closer these flehs came to me. I was literally hiding underneath the sheets, freaked out by the thought of going back home. We had a lot of “Benoît is real” vs “Benoît isn’t real” arguments, which was way too intense for me.

        All that time I was just hoping for him to somehow say something to me, so that I could show real life, real time evidence of his existence (and somehow spend much more time with him), and fucking sue those flehs for destoying my reputation and taking away my freedom. But I didn’t make use of the internet in that shameful period in my life… They figured the solution to me not wanting to do the “I am going to finish my education program and then spend all of my life climbing up in some business”-thing anymore (I (used to) say that to fit in), because I only wanted to focus on my sole proprietorship. I didn’t ask for anything – after my investment proposal I offered my parents was declined [and after that my father bought a Volvo XC90 (I am not allowed to drive), which then was the third car of this household, but they trashed the Mazda 6 sedan, that was still in a very good state, and at least 4 antminers and other Bitcoin generating computers were bought (two in THE LIVING ROOM), and he invested in this shady food business and is now making plans to buy and sell real estate internationally. They declined it because they weren’t certain if they were going to get it back (even though they could easily miss it) and I wanted to use it to pay for a summer course at Georgia Tech University, for which I needed a subject – my Graeyniss – to write and present about an accounting issue that emerges in my field, which was such an amazing opportunity for my sole proprietorship in PR. My Graeyniss said “yes” to being my subject, but that contributed to my parents saying “no”. Atlanta was too far and they didn’t know him, so they didn’t feel comfortable with him leaving with me (but that actually wasn’t even planned (yet???)), because he could be a rapist? And I am the “psychotic” person, around the end of October 2016 labeled as “schizophrenic” “because I still wasn’t over it”. If he would touch me, I would not mind at al……????(Fucking crazy “protective”….)] – but food, sometimes, after coming back from being transferred from one mental institution to another, because I didn’t want to leave the hospital bed, and I ended up giving in, because I thought “Oh, maybe I could use this as a second opinion”, but I was far too trapped in this system. Especially in my first two months in EMC (I turned 21 there, didn’t invite anyone), where I, even though I begged and actually had the right to, leave, because I was there on a voluntary basis and not with a warrant. I was allowed to leave after “showing that I took my medication”, and a few times answering “No” to the question “Do you still think about Benoît Crutzen?”. THEY HAVE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION FOR ABOUT A YEAR STRAIGHT. “Check my medical record…” :'(. I want that record wiped clean, because in it I am portrayed as insanity itself. It’s all lies! I can prove ittt!!! To work with some parties, I can’t have a medical record like that…

        Random moments I vividly remember:

        • I told this nurse I want to see my medical record. She asked me why. I said: “Because I want my medical record to show the truth, for my professional life. According to the Patriot Act, the American government is allowed to see Dutch medical records.” She replied: “Well, I assume you don’t want to work with the United States President.” WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE. Grrrrrr. What if I do???? (They would call me crazy for saying “I do”.) They didn’t allow me to view my medical record and propose corrections to this record.

        Now that I’ve recently had the chance to keep in touch with another Graeyniss, hoping I don’t scare him off, I’m afraid to see history repeat itself… I can’t afford a lawyer against my parents and whatever mental institution they decide to team up with…] [to be continued]

        ~Or Not?~

        Back home, I just wanted to focus on my business, without having a side-job or school, but these people did not want me to be at home so much, so they started to threaten me about having to look for a side job. At some point, [to be continued]

        ~Or Not?~

        So let’s say I would get the chance to hang out with a Graeyniss or some Graeynissis, I probably won’t let anyone know… Maybe you should do the same? We can’t get caught… Otherwise the sheepy masses will think we’re having an affair, and then our reputations will be un-cuddled… Even though we’re immortal already? Who else has this Cuddle project…? By the time money hungry people from my generation take over my Graeynissis, I want to be safe on Planet Fang. Our corporate island state… Far away from this country, where there’s a back-up plan for: “One day, when the level of “you’re fucking around with nature too much when you let so many people live on such a small piece of ground and keep postponing serious measures” becomes too extreme, the sound you hear at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, won’t be at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, and then you know things are very messed up.” I live at the most unsafe location… The tunnel I walk through on my way to the metro station will close to safeguard (some parts of) Rotterdam, when water levels get too high. The neighborhood I live in will be flooded. “My strategy” is to somehow try to make it to the Erasmus University (but there is only one road as an exit of my neighborhood, towards the highway etc.), because there are high buildings there and the highest chance that they have some sort of emergency plan is there. Haha I might be labeled as crazy for having this strategy, just like that “famous crazy person” that was on the news decades ago for saying “Klaas Komt”, but the threat of a new water catastrophe is real… Let’s run, my Graeyniss…
        The messages that pop up on my phone that are considerd “breaking news” right now… “*Names of famous people I don’t know* were wearing this today to *some event or private location*”… I really don’t give a fuck hahahahahaha. When I try to delete the app, it just deletes its updates :[. I want to have alternative “news media”. This is also in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, just like making a movie, making a documentary (+ new tv channel…) and so many other things.

        16:58 (04:58 PM)

        My sister’s piano lesson starts at 21:15. I will be driving her there. Now that I’m writing this, I still need to complete the “to be continued parts”. Before this, I’ll be making an overview of the pages of the chapters I need to look at to find a suitable answer @ my two final statistics exams. Oh and warm up the left-overs.

        17:21 (05:21 PM)

        I tried to call my other grandmother to ask her if she would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. I have taken care of her for a while, a few months ago. Then she had too many “verbal aggression fits of dementia” at me, she was able to walk again (by taking aspirines……..?¿) and my father has obliged her to not invite me over into her house anymore, because he was getting tired of her accusing me of stealing over and over again. When she accuses me of stealing from her, I always asked her: “Why would I steal that from you?” What do I need her silverware for?

        Before I left for the U. S., I took some metros earlier to get the right train and in the meantime bring her mangoes from a friend of her’s in Suriname. [I was in the Netherlands for only three days when I visited her.] She didn’t want to come with us, unfortunately.

        I gave back her house keys, because the “thuiszorg” needed the keys of the house to come in, on the day I stopped taking care of her (I slept next to her for more than a week (the guest room is too cold)). Because she needed a house key herself. She goes to the hairdresser once a week. Dinner gets delivered every day.

        I’m going to call again.

        17:58 (05:58 PM)

        She doesn’t pick up…? Other than going to the hairdresser, she doesn’t really do much.

        The last time I spoke to her was a few days before my parents left, I think? I didn’t spend that much time around the house phone when I was working.

        It feels quite random talking about my grandmother here, but this is far from usual. I have suggested many “activities for the (surinamese (or Surinamese?)) elderly” to her, to maybe get her to enjoy life a little bit more (her suicidal thoughts… I had called her physician, who came over for a consult, but she didn’t want any help (why is she allowed to choose?)).

        I have texted my father. Hopefully he’ll say that she was going to meet up with someone or that she went to her gymnastics class… (But she hasn’t been doing that lately.) She didn’t want to move to a “private” retirement center and the “public” retirement centers don’t have space for her (there’s basically a “waiting list”, or certain liabilities you need to have for being allowed to enter that facility.  I don’t want to go there by myself… I’m too scared…. His flight back to the Netherlands is on Saturday.

        19:51 (07:51 PM)

        I have been able to reach her. The conversation was 18:12 mins long. She doesn’t want to come over, because she doesn’t want to lie down and watch TV here. There was no need for me to worry :D. (And you were the only one to know! Haha if there’s one thing I don’t like, it is sharing my deepest emotions via text messages. It’s like people talk for laughs, but their sense of humor sucks so bad. I still laugh about it, though. It makes me sad when someone tells a joke and no one laughs.)

        21:41 (09:41 PM)

        I have worked on the version of Nosce Te Ipsum that will be re-published, before I came here. I finally have the possibility to ask my former piano teacher some things about Jazz chords. Before I started to study at Erasmus University (in 2016. For three months…), I have been coming here every week, since I was about 10.

        Bhahahaha okay, my Cuddle, you know how I always do a lot of work within a short period of time, right? I want to do this even faster :D. I do NOT want to wait until the end of September to release my new episode. (Haha I want to have it released now! And then have you as my subject and go on a business adventure (since this concept it new…) together!) I hope to have it ready before my parents come back… Let’s R. U. N. :D. “Haha just kidding”…. I just want my own place and then later a different political system within my own state (far away from those who don’t want this).

        Ha – ha, I have been smoking a lottt of weed lately. I mean more than usual…?

        23:32 (11:32 PM)

        I want to plan an overnight Tea Party?

        I’m afraid no one will show up? It has been a while since I have thrown a party. I’m not that active on other social media anymore.

        Haha this is not “another project X”. I should adapt the location to some place able to “carry” a number towards the “top margin” of what the amount of “I am in” saying votes is.

        But PLEASE WAIT before you click (the times you’re allowed to vote is limited. This to obtain the most accurate results). I’m still working on the poll!!  This is a draft!

        Remember, my Cuddle, this should be our diary. The results of the poll are public. 

        Would you like to be a hyped Graeyniss at The Fangs Tea Party?
        46 votes · 46 answers

        Only I can see what “other” says? [Not yet?]

        By “please wait”, I mean don’t vote yet, because your answer will not be processed, then, since it’s not done yet. The poll. 

        The reality planned might be more wild than what would be considered “a tea party”. But you knew that already ;). I don’t have a Netflix account :D. The last time I have watched a series (? serie = Dutch. I misspelled it “haha”) was somewhere in March. I think it was March… I watched a few episodes of Archer (the cartoon series).

        HAHA OH

        HAHA WAIT

        I ALWAYS WRITE WHEN I’M HIGH. [At least 40% of my posts this far for sure…]

        You, my Cuddle who wants to Cuddle, are invited to The Fangs Tea Party <3. What’s the point of inviting someone who doesn’t want to come? 😀

        Anyway :D. 

        The poll is ready to be clicked on / touched :D. Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa…… It’s 02:42 AM now. Hi there, 5 Cuddles who have just voted, who, thus, are “online right now” :D. I want to ask you so many more things! Haha are you ready to party? Is it the “Niss” in the Graeyniss that makes you not able to openly say that you would like to form a partnership with me? Haha the content I have been sharing has not made it very easy to publicly share interest in But could you please vote…? <3! I would love to finally be public Cuddles! I hope you do too… (To cover the scale we could contribute to human evolution on: please nudge your fellow Graeynissis…) 

        I wish I could send invitations based on IP address… 

        “I’ll be dreaming about that.” “Ha-ha.” <3

        Good night, my Sweetniss 


        04:10 (AM) 

        Still awake :D. I just made the first “poll article”. I am curious to know how large my current audience is. And how many of them would want to spend time with me…

        04:46 (AM) 

        I say “tomorrow” after waking up from my “end-of-day” sleep.  

        “Speaking of “members of the inner cabinet, who don’t know each other’s identity””: let’s make the Tea Party masked? 

        Haha prrr, my meow. To be unmasked sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. Would you like to accompany me on this ride?

        The “time span” for “polling” is “as soon as possible” ahahahahah :D. (Definitely not longer than a week :D.) 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

        Tuesday, September 4, 2018

        13:32 (01:32AM CEST +0 UTC?) 

        Good afternoon, My Meow

        How’s your day? 

        I want to insert polls in my diary posts (then it becomes more of “our diary”), but I work so much slower on my laptop… (And it’s more interactive, which would be a more fun read, I think.) 

        Sometimes after work, and lately after waking up, I read what is trending on my “blog”. The mood I was in when I started to write on this blog, is so very different from the mood I am in now.
        19:04 (07:04 PM) 

        I’m eating a meal prepared with ingredients I found in the house. The ingredients were a pack of Shanxi noodles, an union, some garlic, hoisin sauce, cajun spices, laos, ketjap (over the noodles after boiling them), salt, sugar snaps, two packs of shrimps out of the freezer and two packs of tofu (for (deep) frying).

        21:15 (09:15 PM) 

        My parents will be back on the 8th. (They went to Curaçao (+ North Sea Jazz Festival Curaçao) for 10 days.) My need for my own place to stay is less large now, but I know it’ll become twice as much (now that I’m used to being at home “by myself” (again)  (my sister is in her or my parents’ room, watching tv most of the time)) coming weekend. I like to keep my focus on my own work and exams. 

        I have done some statistics today. At some point I had a look at the “handbook”, which contains an overview of all formulas and “orders of formulas to use to get a needed value”. We’re allowed to have the handbook with us when we make the test… I don’t think I need much more than that? 

        23:08 (11:08 PM) 

        I just changed my sheets… It has been a while :’D. 

        I want to give a aunt and a cousin immunity throughout these posts. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Monday, September 3, 2018

        22:29 (10:29 PM) 

        Hi Cuddle :]

        The intermezzo continues



        00:06 (AM) 

        Want a spoiler? 

        Here it comes:

        All my writing should be effective at all times. I’m going to write my future other drafts down here as well. (I have a mini library of notebooks and documents as well.) At the end of this month, I want to have two (online)  campaigning days, right after my final exams (otherwise I won’t have time to monitor it). Nosce Te Ipsum episode 1 and 2 will be “republished” as episode 0 and 1, which are some of the things promoted during this campaign. Its intention is to get people to sign up for the self-analysis certificate. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Sunday, September 2, 2018

        14:30 (02:30 PM) 

        Hey Sexy, 

        Happy Sexy Sunday *smooth facial expression*. 

        Ahahaha I’m acting random. But you’re so Cuddle :D. This makes me make random statements I think I should have kept to myself afterwards. Haha I always get the feeling that I’m not in control of my own body anymore and feel quite high when I’m around someone I find attractive. This person can be talking to me, and I might just be thinking “You look so Cuddle”, while it feels like everything (around me) is going in slow motion, while I’m not responding like I normally would, because I’m thinking too much about the impression I want to make on you, and then tell myself “act cool” too much. 

        I don’t want to mention personal situations of Cuddle Graeynissis, but if you’d suddenly tell me you (recently?) became single, and I think you’re Cuddle, I’ll initially feel some sadness because the feeling of being so used to being close with someone in your daily routine and that person abruptly not doing that anymore, can cause an intense feeling of loneliness. That feeling will vanish, though, and that person not being in your life anymore is a good thing, even though it might not always feel like that. Life is too short and you’re far too intelligent to argue over nonsense. That is not love. I believe some creatures do not know love the way my Cuddles do. Some people can hurt you like crazy for no reason and then still say they love you. And then you believe it, because you have been indirectly tought to obey the sentiment of love that is portrayed as “the greatest good in human existence”. Don’t be fooled by un-cuddles. 

        Also, I want a monopoly on your sweetness, because I’d love to spend all of my time with you. The moment I truly come loose is when I know for sure that you won’t hurt me and you can express love feelings the way you truly experience them. I want you all to myself, my Cuddle……. I feel quite un-cuddle when I know I’m somewhere down the list of “most fun person to hang out with”. I want to be number one!!! 

        17:01 (05:01 PM) 

        I just handed in my badge and my headaet. I ended up staying 30 mins longer, but I’ll get paid for three hours less. Because ahahahahahaha. The light of the  sun woke me up at like 09:18 am. Every night I’m kind of anxious of my alarm not going off or in any other way not waking up. But it hadn’t happend in such a long time, so I started to build some confidence on this. 

        Ay ok I’m going to start driving to my grandmother’s house to fix her phone/tv.

        *intermezzo of random images*

        Haha always on the weekend (almost no cars). (That’s my mother’s car I have used to get to work this season.)

        Haha the legendddddd #lilfangs *laughing emoji*

        23:23 (11:23 PM)

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

        Saturday, September 1, 2018

        09:46 (AM) 

        Gooood morning! <3

        Let’s be cosy Bedcuddles this weekend? This because we need to save up energy, for going hammer during the Project Nosce Te Ipsum preparation weeks, starting this Monday. 

        18:35 (06:35 PM) 

        I’ll be being this Bedcuddle part-time, though. I’ve worked 8 am – 4:30 pm today and I’m doing the same thing tomorrow. Will you Bedcuddle for me?  <3 

        Tomorrow I’ll be “running the floor” solo. All other people from my department have had their last day either today or a day before that. I’m the last one of the “substitute transportation Summer department”. Haha I feel quite Cuddle to say thay I feel honored for being given this responsibilty. I want to excel at everything I do, so when I’m working, even though I’m not showing it or talking about it, I think: “I want to something good that hasn’t been done before yet. (As in making history.) I want to be better at this than everyone here.” (And when I don’t, I feel so un-cuddle. That’s what I had at the previous university I was studying at. Erasmus University. Wanting to be an honor student, but having too many side-activities and passions taking away my focus, while I needed to focus enough to get to that level I know I could have reached.) 

        On the other hand, I’m quite very excited that this Summer is over. I agreed with working 40 hours a week, from June to the beginning of September, while my school year at the Open University reached its peak. This to save up to earn the initial investment my business needs to grow out into the multi-component organization I want it to be. I’m exhausted and glad I won’t have to make so many work hours anymore, doing something that requires a lot of energy attention-wise, but not much reasoning, because it’s the same procedure in a unique form every time. (It is the talking of the client that starts to sound like a script at some point, hearing someone new say something you’ve heard the last client you’ve spoken to say as well, while I’m using my “script”. [I don’t get how people think it’s normal to complain about the company that is trying to help you, to the company that is trying to help you.]) [Actually, even though talking is a great part of the service I’ve assisted to deliver, my job could be computerized very easily, I’ve noticed. (That would also save a lot of waste-of-time hours listening to someone rage on the phone.)]

        I “secretly” learnt a lot about business processes in practice and it felt really cool being as young as 21 and working in the headquarters of a company e-ve-ry-one in this country knows. 

        When I used to think of what kind of influence my business would have, I thought of giving everyone an alternative to being systematically forced to work (by people who like to play around with laws to earn more). [The signal of “We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing” the Dutch government gives, keeps getting stronger and stronger…. I need to move :D.] But here I’ve learnt that some people just really live to spend more than 70% of their free time to do routinely work, solely to pay for the essentials they need to survive. (Something to eat every day (quality doesn’t matter), pay rent, a holiday once a year and some extra to spend on things they like or feel they need.) To the question “What’s your purpose? What do you want in life?”, they’ll keep answering “I don’t know”, because they feel contempt with the life they live, where they’re subjected to whether the company (still) wants them or not. They say the routine gives their life meaning. [Those two questions I just mentioned, are the questions I ask almost everyone when I meet them for the first time. Only with some Graeynissis, who(m?) I don’t meet that often, sadly, I’m afraid to ask, because hearing a Graeyniss talk about (yet) unachieved goals makes me sad. Especially when they’re literally grey… But Meow, we’ll get there together!!!] 

        So the alternative lifestyle where we don’t have to spend so much time sweating over things you didn’t sign up for when you were born, will be available only to us Cuddles. The extremely chill [I’m not talking about cold, baby…] working circumstances will be there for us, because the knowledge we have and the things we can do, at the level of high quality we do them, can be done only by us. Through D. O. C. I. S. International, we’ll form one big financial unit (of sole proprietors and their businesses), who will support each other in the alternative and “risky” paths we all have chosen, for all eternity.  

        I hope I’ll be able to get this business off the ground at once, and I’ll never have to work for a boss again. I need a lot more over-experienced Graeynissis for this, though. For my business to be successful, I need to know the ins and outs of the system by heart. I know this is not that available in books, and there are plenty of Graeynissis who have this knowledge and are, deep down, very eager to share this. Also, I learn a lot faster from listening to a Graeyniss, instead of reading. (I am also not that big a fan of today’s literature………)

        Me thinking “Am I going to take a nap in the car during this break? But then I’ll only have a few minutes to eat… “

        I came up with a very very very fast recipe for a salad with, “as usual” a combination of flavours you’ve never tasted before

        Two days ago, by the way, I prepared steamed salmon with fried Shanxi noodles and vegetables… I should have used more vegetables (I used what I found in the house that seemed suitable, which was paksoi and a courgette), but the combination of noodles and hoisin sauce is amazing. Plus the salmon had steamed so long, it melts on your tongue… Ahh meow, just typing about it makes me want to eat it again! It was very simply prepared by putting some (real!) butter (NO MARGARINE!!!!) into a small bowl and adding lime juice, thyme and salt to this. Then in the bottom pan of your steam pan put some vegetable stock and put the butter on top of the salmon while it’s getting steamed. If you keep an eye on the water level, since it shouldn’t dry out, and let it on the stove for at least 30 minutes (the longer,  the better, though), you’ll experience the same awesomeness… 

        By the way, if you drive a diesel car, it doesn’t matter what type of diesel you put in it, right? Normally at the gas stations I go to, there’s only one type of diesel. This time, I had to choose between FuelSave diesel and VPower diesel. I chose VPower, because I hoped it would make the car go faster hahaha. I’ve spent so much on gas these months, while it’s my mother’s car, who could easily miss the gas money, while I’m saving to cover my business expenses (and buy myself things, for which I haven’t had the money for years).

        D. O. C. I. S. International sells the services and products of its (Council) members. Some will be sold to the masses, some will be sold to their members. My products and services, for example, will not do well @ the masses. They require a lot of “pre-knowledge” and interest in something that isn’t propagated by today’s mass media. 

        Monday I can finally start setting out exact time related goals for this project. I do need to study in the meantime, but this won’t be as occupational as working 40 hours, while having 2 tests about every two weeks. This is all part of the plan. 

        I’m going to eat some midnight salad, take off my make-up, brush my teeth, lake and sleep. It’s exactly 00:00 now. 

        Good night, my love. <3

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Friday, August 31, 2018

        15:36 (03:36 PM) 

        My sweetheart <3

        How are you today? 

        I have so many more questions for you! I’m saving them for when I get the chance to assemble my Council of hand-picked influentials. By “influentials” I don’t mean these young people you can pay to influence crowds through the huge network of followers they have. I mean these Cuddle Graeynissis who have so much knowledge on how the system works, [but they don’t talk about it that often, because, unfortunately, the masses don’t think about it that much and they might not yet have a strategy for making the change they want to see,(????)] who have a very specialized, unique, powerful position within the system or within an organization. 

        For me it’s quite lonely being focused on the future and “the things unknown to mankind” so much. Often when I try to talk about these things with people of my age, I get: “I don’t know. I don’t want to think about this ooooooofff.” My passion (as my focus) is my greatest distraction from things I don’t want to think about. Also, I’d feel empty without a cognitive challenge. 

        I know Graeynissis have every single the answer I crave for… (Scattered among them.) 

        Aw how sweett (literally hahaha)! It says: “Thank you for your assistance in saving thousands of holidays!”

        17:01 (05:01 PM) 

        Reminder to self that I elaborate on my target audience (and my special Graeyniss…) and the order of my marketing campaign. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary

        Thursday, August 30, 2018

        23:27 (11:27 PM) 

        My Cuddle! <3

        I hope that, exactly a month from now, my pressure group will start to grow. This group should consist of people with a lot of knowledge, who are specialized in different fields. From doing business to doing research to making music. Project Nosce Te Ipsum allows you to show yourself as a brand, from a different perspective. We will be combining (self-)research and entertainment. It is my intention to internationally brand the process of all pressure group members, while they write their Nosce Te Ipsum thesis, which will give them the official title of Illuminatus Intelligens. 

        Haha today I learnt that 6% of the traffic from my website this month came from the Erasmus University. That’s amazing! Since my page is still in maintenance mode… I would love to see that percentage grow. You’re my target audience! I want to assemble those who aim for “the highest”. 

        During the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign, you’ll define your purpose in life and shape a path that will make you achieve this and all the other goals you have. (I am saying YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!!!) 

        At the ANWB student event I attended to yesterday, I have had a few chances to talk to one of the directors of the company, which was the reason why I went there. He is so nice! He told me that he is a blogger (too) and would love to propose a seat in the D. O. C. I. S. International Council to him, which would include participating in the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign. (I am very afraid of rejection, though. If he says “no”, I’ll probably delete this paragraph (and be sad lol) haha.) 

        I’ll elaborate on this tomorrow. 

        Good night, my Meow <3


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