Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

“Ready to Propose” [Monday, October 14, 2019]

Ready… This morning my first proposal for academic acknowledgement will be handed over. I will go down on one knee and say: “Will you cherish this rough diamond and be my Graeyniss?” Just kidding. By means of proposing, I will give a short explanation and regardless of interest I will not go home with the proposal of 50+ pages I have written for all of my professors.

My love,

The last couple of days have been full with working on my proposal, taking care of houesehold stuff (and getting my bike repaired), planning my birthday, re-braiding my hair and a three-day trip to the Netherlands.

“Ready to Propose”

I got the idea for this proposal during my first lecture Informatiesystemen on *date*. On *date* I, after a while of reasoning it out, started writing it (better said “making the structure and inserting the essays and my resumé that are my appendices).

The Pressure Behind it

The printer I have in my apartment does not have cardridges in it yet, and I reallyyy want to start handing my proposal out from my first lecture at 08:30 today onwards. I will explain that I would like to publish a new book of which the content should be representable for at least a bachelor economist. That I hope that my professors will acknowledge this (and don’t have to live the dreadful life of a regular student anymore, with the uncommon background of a publisher I have).

Especially because I have no connection with my fellow students at all (except the handful of students I talk to every now and then and the maths student I have invited to my party, but other than that I am alone alllll of the time it’s depressing (but rather alone than hanging with people I don’t feel a connection with though. Who else is actively working on a revolutionary strategy?)), I hope that what I state in my proposal can become reality. If they decline my proposal… I will be bound to three years of not having time for my business, while my depression is getting worse. It will be very hard for me if they say no.

As a student, I am so alone that it’s hard for me to attend classes. With the proposal to hand out I have the feeling that being present is really useful

If they say yes, I might just get my business off the ground properly.

With the state of my proposal, I should postpone handing it out with one day… But for structure and impatience’s sake I really cannot wait any longer. Ik wil echt heel graag weten waar ik aan toe ben. Will I be happily challenged or will I be depressed?

The state of me proposal…

The State of my Proposal

Last Friday I went to the Netherlands for my mother’s birthday dinner. And after my last time there, for efficiency’s sake, I chose to stay until Sunday, so that I didn’t have to rush for the train after (or during) dinner and could re-braid my hair which had gone frizzy.

I finished braiding my hair at 7 PM on Sunday. (And started loosening my previous braids after dinner on Friday.) My last direct train left at 22:10 (10:10 PM) and I had one chapter to finish and a new chapter to write, still. I printed this proposal at 21:45 (09:45 PM), to make it just in time for the last non-direct train that left at 22:14.

To go somewhere to print out a report of 49 pages, before my lecture starts at 08:45 AM, is not possible for me. And with these feelings of academic despair I really can’t postpone asking this any longer. So I had to get creative, hoping that my proposal won’t be denied just for the way I handed it in. (This is not the Netherlands, so I consider the chance a little higher that it will not be declined because of that reason.)

In the train, I realized that I forgot to write the summary.

So it’s hand-written…

The content

I don’t have a hole puncher here, so…

Had to get creative…

The pages are well-aligned yay. 🙂

I also don’t have paperclips (and the color is printed quite badly 🙁 ), so this is the end result…

I’m hungry and usually don’t really have time for dinner in the morning, though tired, so I’m making pourridge now.

Please don’t judge me…

After eating a little of it and refrigerating the rest for tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

Wish me luck for later…

Love you ♥


03:22 (AM) [GMT +2]


Back to the Drawing Board 🙁

I couldn’t even hand the thing over. I said that I’m an author and owner of a little publishing company, wanting to work on a new project representable for a bachelor economist, for which academic acknowledgement is required. After that I wanted to show him the 2 sections relevant for him to see. Namely the table row with the 3 research questions relevant for his subject and the paragraph in which those questions are explained.

But even before I could show it, he said: “No, I don’t do that.” It might have seemed like I wanted him to read a long book, though in reality it’s just a chapter of the entire book I need the perspective of any professor on. But after this “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no, further explaining is a waste of time. Going from a “no” to a “yes” in a proposal for cooperation is working together in a completely spoiled mood anyway. It was my intention to hand it over to let the receiver think it over for a week, saying: “Even if you decide to throw it in the trash, this proposal is yours. I don’t want to keep it.” But no is no, so I just said “okay” and left. I don’t understand society at all man why does everyone want to be so stagnate.

Furthermore I was bored out of my mind at the lecture again. I could spend that time far more efficiently studying at home and working on my new book then without the approval of “someone from the field”. (My fucking target audience. x_x ) I need to restrategize man suicidal thoughts are resurfacing and being in that crowd makes it worse. Though I’ll be attending English class (because I’ll be giving a presentation on November 18 and she might say something relevant and skipping more than 20% of classes would mean a lower final grade, and I want an A+, so…) at 4 today.

I’ll show you the full proposal later today. Hmmm in what other way could I carry out my mission. And who wants to burn the proposal with me? I need to get this fucking thing out of my sight. 🙁

With this awful feeling of wanting to cry but rather wanting to smash something, but not doing anything because why would I be weak, I’ll be doing the dishes and going to the ugh facility management who has a key to my apartment and uses “je ziet maar” en “wanneer wil je omkomen” in e-mails my god. 🙁


11:25 (AM) [GMT +2]


Lil Heartbreak 33.0

Here’s the proposal. Yes I know it’s a mess but at least please look at it. 🙁 What I wrote by pen is typed out in handwriting font (I still have the draft here in my notebook).

The actual proposal is in a better place now. Out of my sight. 🙁 (Yes sorry I don’t separate my trash because I’m alone and it’s such a small amount if I separate it it takes longer for a trash bag to get full and trash will get smelly.) It’s quite relieving though.

Alternatieve Academische Erkenning

Click here to download it.

I think an alternative route to success could be traditionally (regular marketing, e-books and hardcovers everywhere) publishing SchizoFangia (with a photo shoot of me in a strait jacket) and a Wikipedia page…

But I should take a moment to breathe and orient myself because my feelings of depression and rage are influencing my thinking a lot. I want to say so much but I know I might regret that later. Saying that it was a “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no is something I already regret, because I don’t know if that was the reason, because I just walked away. Though from the little sigh with eye rolling type of pronunciation, I must say that it feels like a “Ah I have experience with students writing things and they always make so many mistakes that in the end it will feel like I’d have written the entire book by myself and I don’t even get compensated for it.” That was what pushed my buttons, because with me you basically only have to say “Yes” or globally express what you don’t like, and I do the rest myself. Plus I wanted to split the revenue with those who support me.

Fuck this though I’m depressed enough already. If I hear this from all of my professors I will have jumped off this apartment building by the end of the week. So the entire proposal is off the table now. Plus honestly I think my previous work is post-doctoral enough already.


I’m going to get these washing machine jetons, go past the university bookstore to ask why I – after more than two weeks – have not received a notification that the books I ordered have been delivered and attend English class. 🙁 I’ll FangChatdiarypost you after that. ♥ (Unless I pass out from fatigue. Keep an eye on my Twitter please.)


15:05 (03:05 PM) [GMT +2]

Before I further dive in to how much I am disappointed in life and causality, let me start with a different topic…

Party Planning

About a week ago I sent my (digital) birthday invitations. I sent (including my mother contacting friends of the family of whom I don’t have a phone number) about 70 invitations. The last time I did this was when I turned 19. About the same people are invited. In the invitation I said that because of the amount of people invited… Ah let me show you the invitation. 🙂 It’s another essay ahahahhaahaha 🙁 .

I will be scrolling down for this occasion…

November 2nd because of work and the travel distance for most people

It’s so long it had a “read more” button…

Yaa long story

Feels weird to have a gift list

30 people or so have confirmed their attendance. Most people have told me that they already have plans for that day. (That could mean so many things… But I’d rather not think about that.)

We’re going to have some fun. 🙂 Will you be attending as well? Ha if I’d get a penny for every time someone reading my blog ignored that. If you’re Graey you’re so welcome. 🙂 Putting my info here out in the open might not be that convenient when it comes to the risk of a Project X, but it’s not the first time I share my location etc. so…

On November 1st I have plans of laying in bed with the sheets over my head and not opening the blinds and not wearing clothes all day. 🙂

Another type of planning I will have to do certainly now that I went down on one knee and heard “no”, is study planning.

Study Planning

Today I finally got the remainder of books that was not present at the university store when I bought them, so I can start catching up without the feeling that something is missing. (Though it turns out that for accounting and sociology books that are not sold by the university store are required for the course. It is referred to all the time. I’ll have to magician €200 or so to buy them.)

If I can keep my eyes open after preparing tomorrow’s mathematics practicum, I’ll start on that today. Otherwise it will be tomorrow, but I’d rather start studying tomorrow… My weekend starts from tomorrow onward. 🙂 Study weekend… I will be pacinggg… Doing a chapter per day or something… (And should reallyyy cut down on trips to the Netherlands yooo.)

Only a bunch of straight (grrr fuck you 🙁 (es adjective) ) A’s will get me past my shattered heart and the feeling of academic worth. I want to do this shit cum laude with trashy attendance rates. Honestly I think grade punishments for low attendance rates aren’t the way to go… Ah just like in English class today, we had a discussion and I learnt that most people, including me, would rather see tuition rates stay the same than university education become free with a 1% lifetime graduate tax. (And I didn’t even play the immigration card… I just (elaborately) mentioned the government’s debt deficit, unemployment, drop-outs and overcrowded lecture halls for contra arguments.)

My study planner will include moments to work on my new book. 🙂


I really wonder why the universe has put me on this path. I wonder when the hope shattering pain stops. It has to end at some point – as in I can’t become successful without cooperation and all I hear is “nooo” – I think? My fate is not to commit suicide, right? Sometimes I really just don’t know. Look at this diary and how much I struggle to get my message across.

I’m also so lonely here, while I don’t think that I’m an unbearable person to be around? I don’t understand. (Though in a way I do understand because my complex formulation – while I still always try to keep things simple – are tiring to hear at some point, I guess. Sometimes I get tired from my own thoughts. Sometimes or always, hmmm… 🙁 But there must be someone with whom I can declutter my thoughts, whose thoughts I can declutter. You know how highly intelligent people often convince themselves of things that are incorrect because they’re trying too hard to fit in… I miss this person so much that it makes me feel empty. I think Tishe is hoogbegaafd? (And I think I can sense when someone is.)

My laundry will be dried in a few…

It was a lot

Why always when I walk around in my sweats I come across hot people. x_x I didn’t expect someone to step out of the elevator… My hello was so awkward. x_x

I must go, my love.

Love youuu 😸 ♥


22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT +2]

Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Back Home [Monday, September 2, 2019]

Good morning ♥


Yesterday morning, around 9 AM, my sister and I arrived on Schiphol airport.

We met our loyal family friends from Amsterdam, considered family, at the Departures 2 parking lot, where they went to with two cars: one of theirs and one of ours, so that I could drive my sister and myself home.

My need-for-speed-within-boundaries style of driving brought us home sooner than the navigation system indicated. After having disarmed the home alarm system one of our neighbors watched the remote of while we were gone (haha oops I rang the doorbell exactly when he was walking around in his underpants. “I do that often, too,” unfortunately did not make it less uncomfortable for him haha), I practiced this jazz tutorial while I waited for my sister to be done showering so that I could take a nap.

My nap was very enjoyable, as well as having my own room after a week of sleeping in a shared bedroom (if you know what I mean). I’m going to miss the apartment in Curacao and the setting it came with, though.

After that, I wrote and uploaded the first D.O.C.I.S. Assignment (opens in new tab). I think it is fun. Hopefully you think that too.

Creating it was quite an occupation, so I unfortunately chose to order sushi instead of having dinner around the block.

After that I cleaned the kitchen a little and went to bed again.

Ah I have some pictures I took before leaving Curacao, for on here, which I hadn’t shared yet:

North Sea Bath Festival haha

I got this mosquito bite and hope it will not make me ill 🙁

The elastic bands on these shoes were 100% worn out, so they have been trashed. I’ll miss them, because they have accompanied me on many Summer nights. 🙁

Flight details curacao amsterdam 2019

I love thisss. It’s nice to have an assistant, hehe.

Pre-flight food. Best yuca fries eveerrrr!

The Dutch coast

I wish my lifestyle were like in Curacao always. Miss it alreadyyy. 🙁

Today’s Excitement

Now it’s 06:40 AM and I’ve been awake since about 5 AM, looking up inspiration for my Wikipedia page, the best supermarket (for I have to go to three different locations to shop anyway and they all have supermarkets, so I might as well shop at the cheapest one, but then again I’d like to be time-efficient…) and braiding tutorials.

Our fridge, freezer and cabinets have been emptied of edible food before we left for Curacao. This is an impression of my fat groceries list (though meanwhile more products have been added to the actual list):

[ ] Krentenbollen
[ ] Limoenen
[ ] Truffelkaas
[ ] Pannenkoekenmix
[ ] Kokosmelk
[ ] Vochtig toiletpapier
[ ] Kipfilet
[ ] Kabeljauw
[ ] Eieren
[ ] Bananen
[ ] Pijnboompitten
[ ] Chorizo
[ ] Feta
[ ] Tomaten
[ ] Melk
[ ] Yoghurt
[ ] Brood
[ ] Duo penotti
[ ] Vanillesuiker
[ ] Pindakaas
[ ] Saffraan
[ ] Veldsla
[ ] Spinazie
[ ] Druiven
[ ] Aardbeien
[ ] Walnoten
[ ] Aardappelen
[ ] Gemberbier
[ ] Bakbanaan
[ ] Markoesasap
[ ] Cassave
[ ] Palmolie
[ ] Madame jeanette
[ ] Maizenakoekjes
[ ] Extensions
[ ] Klemmen
[ ] Kleine elastiekjes
[ ] Steelkam
[ ] Haarkapje
[ ] Tandenborstel opzetstukken
[ ] Infuser bottle
[ ] Paksoi
[ ] Tayer
[ ] Lamsvlees
[ ] Drumsticks
[ ] Kruizemunt

My route will be:

Shopping Center Alexandrium (for the most complete “toko” (click for more info (opens in new tab)) and the best and closest by hair shop)

–> Poelier Dijkshoorn (because I’m also in the mood for their ready-made chicken wings I haven’t eaten in a literal decade)

–> De Koperwiek (for new attachments for my toothbrush, as well as fluoride free toothpaste (I just thought of, wasn’t even on my list) and a new infuser bottle (had I shared that the other one fell apart on the train to Amsterdam a few months ago¿) and, according to my little search, the relatively cheapest supermarket (Jumbo > Plus)

–> Winkelcentrum Puccinipassage (for cheese and maybe a remainder of groceries and maybe fresh fruit) –> Home

I wonder how long this will take me. I’m going to clock it. 🙂

Though I already miss not having to cook in Curacao, I’m happy with my diverse schedule of today. Yays for having things to do. 🙂 (Instead of having only computer tasks all day.)

After grocery shopping, most of my time will be devoted to working on my essay. It will be a lot longer than my other essays, because I want to be more elaborate than I usually am. It will be online before the week ends. (Including the PowerPoint slides for it. 🙂 )

For the coming event at the University and my upcoming speech and my appearance in general, preferably I’d like a new custom made wig, but that’s crazy expensive and will take a while to be made and delivered, so my best alternative is box braids. I’m tired of twist braids. Box braids have always been something I considered too difficult to do myself, but I’ve become courageous and excited for trying it, after watching these two tutorials:

I’ll start this process off today, after having uploaded my (answers to the) Assignment 1.

My exact tasks for today are:

  • Somehow find things to make breakfast with
  • Shower and stuff
  • Scan in Assignment 1 and request apartment visitations in Antwerp
  • Drive around doing grocery shopping (don’t forget big grocery bags and checking gas)
  • Eat drumsticks
  • Work on essay
  • Cook and eat (mac&cheese + salad)
  • Box braids (preparations)

I’ll also share my Assignment 1 here and how much time I took for this shopping for groceries. Other than that, that will be it for today. See you in a few. xxxxxxx


Updated 07:47 (AM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel 

Clocked Itttt

Here is the finished Assignment 1, also downloadable on The Fangs. (20:57):

Assignment 1 in practice

Can you decipher what my greatest privacy concerns are? Let me know. 🙂

And grocery shopping went faster than I expected. I’ve clocked itt:

11:08: Started to drive towards Shopping Center Alexandrium.

11:20: Realized that I forgot the shopping bags on the table, so arrived back home.

11:33: Paid for the parking meter at Shopping Center Alexandrium (€1.72, 1 hour), turning on the music in my earphones to do shopping in the Amazing Oriental (€19.50) and the hair shop around that block (Toko Alexandria, €51.96).

11:55: Parked near Poelier Dijkshoorn (€22.20 for the groceries).


12:15: Arrived at De Koperwiek, answering some texts and setting de parkeerschijf.


12:22: Shopping in Ekoplaza. (€28.46)

12:32: After having put my Ekoplaza groceries in the car, arrived at Jumbo.

13:02: Having loaded the car with the Jumbo groceries (€77.20), in doubt between walking all across De Koperwiek for that infuser bottle or trying to find it in Shopping Center Puccinipassage (low chance of succeeding, but quicker).

13:15: Arrived at Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:30: Driving away from Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:50: Watching a cheerleader talent show on Spike together with my sister and her boyfriend, while eating “een Italiaanse bol” with truffle cheese and a croissant with ginger jam, after having eaten a handful of mini drumsticks and having stacked the groceries in the fridge, freezer and cabinets.

I felt all yays after having been so productive and having a house full of all kinds of food I like. While shopping, I realized things I hadn’t put on the list, such as mandarins, edge control, a courgette, a cucumber, truffle mayonaise… Things I did not find were an infuser bottle and kruizenmunt.

After a while, I got very tired, so I’m eating late…


I need to get better at making meals for one… Or find a companion… (But the thing is that I’m kind of not (at all) interested in meeting your family and also not very much in introducing you to mine…)


Being able to set my own house policy is something I love soooooo muchhh.

Meoow I’m going to continue on my essay and get started with these box braids. 🙂 I’ll see you tomorrow.

My websites will be down for a while though, because I’m going to do a PHP update on all of them. I’ll share on Twitter when I’ll do this. Hmmm I’ve been above personal averagely absent on Twitter. I guess reading my timeline is a bit frustrating to me, for the amount of nonsense that is considered serious facts.

Ciaooo xxx


Updated 21:33 (09:33 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

The featured image is a Pixabay image of a windmill.

This is my home country, but as long as the majority of Caucasian Dutch people do not understand that I have the right to be here just as much as they do, this place does not feel like home. (Yes, I wish I weren’t born here either. Take me to Planet Fang please. 🙁 )

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Getting at it [Friday, August 2, 2019]

Good morning 🙂 ♥

How was your night? & What will you be doing today?

I wonder if you also have some layers of honesty you were keeping to yourself (which is not lying but simply avoiding unnecessary crises). Because I’d love to learn from your experience. Meow I’ve completely lost my straightforwardness. Every time I want to speak my mind, the idea of what type of responses I’ll get makes me stay silent. Maybe I should just keep the peace until I’m in Antwerp (not the US because that is currently too expensive for me, plus I have D.O.C.I.S. plans for Europe as well)… Me speaking up is like playing fence against 100 people by yourself.

Taking pictures yesterday was cool. Unfortunately it was cloudy, but I still have some cool pictures. Most pics are taken with my Olympus camera, but I also have ones taken with my phone:

Triangleee which means power and male energy


I’m going to get ready for the webminar now. By my fear of not expecting to learn anything, I debunked yesterday, I mean that I’m expecting to hear the basics of SEO and social media marketing and other things I’m trying to make a statement with from the consciously mediocre way I use them. Things that are not new to me. I expect it to be a good training for sure – especially because I need to show the type of enthusiasm he shows when I speak so just for that already I’ll gain something from it. And from that special video I saw yesterday, I think I’ll still learn something completely new yays. 🙂

Time to get at it: moving forward.

See you later 🙂 xxx

Updated 10:19 (AM) [GMT +2]


I’m back. 🙂 Here to share the indirect lessons I’ve learnt and things I realized. It was indeed not what I expected. When I think of e-commerce, I think of setting up a stand-alone webshop. But this was basically about – indeed a lot more popular as we all know from online shopping – reselling via already-existent large-scale webshop platforms, such as Amazon and Ebay, but this was focused on Bol, for the Dutch market. Not selling on your own web domain but on what is already popular.

If you want to earn a lot fast, by hardly doing anything, by reselling on online platforms now that they’re still here, then the course is something for you.

For D.O.C.I.S. International, this made me realize what is more important than setting up that online bookstore:

  • Define supply and demand within D.O.C.I.S. International. Online platforms like the ones previously mentioned are hyped now, but I believe in the end of the overratedness of the public web, so it’s important to position yourself in a monopolist position where you gain from the internet but do not depend on it. I want to be what’s after Amazon and Bol and stuff. I’ve mentioned this before, but lost focus on this.
  • Seek a way to make my products lower priced and easier to sell. I still want to sell exclusive goods, but any purchase shouldn’t seem like a wrong investment.
  • I’ve also written down things like that I should do more trendwatching and outsource all stock management et cetera. But I don’t want to do any of that… D.O.C.I.S. International is a classic business.

The issue I described with the value of money in respect to available resources world wide in stock trading, is the same with buying things for five dollar cents and reselling them for thirty euros. Only authenticity creates real value. That’s why I developed this alternative method to calculate the value of money, which is still in development. I can’t wait until I get financial mathematics and philosophy (second semester). 🙂

Today I’ll work on my website texts. And I’m going to call the property owners of student houses I have interest in, to ask if I could visit them (and perhaps rent one right away). Ah I can’t wait to be recording videos from my own apartment and be happy in them. 🙂

Oh on my last YouTube video: I mentioned that I wanted to get intoxicated, but I didn’t do any of that. It’s just how all of this nonsense people don’t understand makes me feel.

I’m putting my faith and fate back into the (reform of) the academic system, hoping I could still start D.O.C.I.S. International off as a research publishing business. For which I’ll also have to change the SBI codes of my business to what I wanted them to be from the start anyway.

Later more about the Dutch climate related tweets (and plenty blog posts) I posted. 🙂

dykes system

The Netherlands

Updated 14:53 (02:53 PM) [GMT +2]


International influence on an economic, social and legal level, starting with influencing what type of research is done and propagated through my organization, I can better initiate by also discussing my own works in my book club. It feels self-centered to ask that type of attention, but it’s great to give a direction and have some very alternative fun. 🙂 Plus selling exclusive members-only (because of stockpile related complications limited edition meow I need my own printing press) hardcovers yay. 😀

Updated 15:03 (03:03 PM) [GMT +2]


Meoow this would be the absolute yays 😻

If I’d be a millionaire tomorrow, I’d still attend university to climb up the academic ladder. With that million I could invest in so much societal change, buy land and buy that printing press (plus a stockroom for it and the plenty of books I’ll distribute world-wide). Chances of winning are heightened, but still not high. Still it would be so amazing omggg. I’d make that money multiply and build a stable and healthy (financial) future.

Anyway meow I’ve just gone for some tea with my mother who is 100% behind me on moving to Antwerp yay. 🙂 ♥ (Though I would rather not have her give up a relatively large percentage of her income to me. It’s better to save that for her own future. If there’s any financial support coming from the side of my parents then that should be from their shared account or my father’s account. If they’d ever split up she should have enough savings just in case. What my mother gives me is 10% of her income. That same amount would be not even 2% of my father’s income, so I’m going to – save my heart the pain please God – ask him (used to the rejection of things like this) to let him pay this instead of my mother. If they’ll really do this to begin with. I say “my parents” far too often.)

I’ll be napping now and afterwards elaborate on my theory of why it’s better to flood the Netherlands than spend 100 billion euros on the “klimaatakkoord” to reduce Dutch CO2 emission. (I’ll be writing exclusive essays on this and include them as discussable topics for my book club. 🙂 )

Updated 16:59 (04:59 PM) [GMT +2]


These two holes are the Netherlands.

My creation resembles the dykes system, where polders and uiterwaarden, which should have been uninhabitable because they were originally constructed as floodable land to protect the cities and villages (in case they were not built on mounds), now, due to overpopulation, have cities and villages on them while that land is not protected against the water enough to evacuate its citizens to higher land in time.

dykes system

The Netherlands scenario 1

When a dyke breaks, the water actually gets sucked in – for if you example put water on a plate, the entire plate becomes covered with water if the surface is equally low. And all Wadden Islands, North Holland, South Holland, Flevoland and Zeeland lie below sea level. The dykes protect the water from coming in, but in that same situatiation it will prevent it from flowing out.

The scenario we all – even I – don’t want to take place

If this country were hit by a sudden tsunami-like wave, the effect would speed up so fast that the polders and uiterwaarden would be filled-up within no time and the “mainland” will be flooding next, like a bathtub being filled without a plug to ever let the water escape, with other countries in danger as well. (Just a bit of water damage for them though. Nothing that serious…)

With the klimaatakkoord the government is trying to slow down the high pace on which pole ice is melting, by reducing CO2 emission. They want to spend over 100 billion Euros on stalling this country from flooding, and use their “strategy” (improving isolation from the ugly houses in this country that will still risk falling apart over time, and using more electricity instead natural resources (which the electricity net can’t even handle)) as an export product for other countries – which don’t have the same natural danger incentive to think of preventing already initiated climate change – as a way to earn it back. (Plus how would those other countries earn back the for them then over 100 billion euros if they’re not using the measure their countries can beter develop than the Netherlands themselves anyway? The Dutch left is psychotic.)

The Dutch government wants to waste its time implementing obsolete technology in old houses. Other countries are far ahead of the Netherlands when it comes to education, technology, architecture, geography and even having a sense of reality. Dutch pride is obsolete. The best way to let them (or “us” since I’m Dutch damn ugh x_x ) go with honor – and THAT is the real “thinking ahead for future generations” – is by causing the flood and preparing the measures for it, to get it over with and not leave the future generation (which is me lol I’m not in power yet meowww ) stuck with the consequences of the bad policies of this government.

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club will spend plenty of time discussing things like this, influencing better research on this et cetera. I’m working on it yays. 🙂

This is how I created “the Netherlands” and thanks to my cousin for resembling the storm

And the Dutch left being psychotic is something serious. They also believe that they should invest in the military because they believe that Russia can attack at any second (and that that is the reason for that air alarm on the first of the month). Exactly only that dumb discriminatory fear is the only reason Russia would ever attack the Netherlands. The way they fear people from other countries just because they’re from other countries is psychotic. The way they state things like that shouldn’t be accepted.

Updated 21:03 (09:03 PM) [GMT +2]


Oh haha meow I’ve forgotten to state the most important argument!!!

They want to prevent the Earth from getting hotter. With the klimaatakkoord and energieakkoord they prevent the earth from heating only 0,007 °C (shout out dr. Baudet). A bigger problem is the problems that are already here with the current heat-level of the globe. Flooding the Netherlands would deliver a contribution to the reduction of global warming that will be incomparable to other countries. So much for Dutch pride.

Updated 22:13 (10:13 PM) [GMT +2]


Oh meow I have bad news that I find hard to share… Jacques is not with us anymore. 🙁 He was caught by a classic wood and iron “touch the cheese (but bread with peanut butter in this case) and be trapped” mouse trap this morning. Out of respect for him and for our stomachs, there are no pictures of this tragic happening. Meow I genuinely feel a little sad about this. 🙁

Updated 23:20 (11:20 PM) [GMT +2]


The Border by Electric Wire Hustle has been stuck in my head for quite some time (it’s what replaced “ai ai Olga”). Felt like sharing it. 🙂

I’ll be drafting my further approach method (never expected to go this long without anticipation so I need to restrategize and somehow suddenly make you want to anticipate). There are so many things I want to do, but I can only focus on one thing at a time and simultaneously I’m trying to incite my international audience to sign up for my book club when it’s here, so I have to be strategic propagation and operations wise. There will be a €0 strategy for my current financial situation and a strategy just in case I become a millionaire tomorrow evening winning the lottery hahaha. This I’ll be doing for an hour or so. My nap from earlier has made me a bit energetic.

But here I’m calling it a day already, also thinking of what theme to use tomorrow. I have so many “doing something for D.O.C.I.S. International” posts, but I still haven’t created the international community I intend to create. That’s the most important thing I’m working towards.

My next post will be something yay.

Good night ♥

Updated 00:51 (12:51 AM) [GMT +2]

– xxx –

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Calm Lonelyay [Wednesday, July 31, 2019]

My Graeynissis ♥ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays ♥ ♥ ♥ ]

Thank you for checking in on me today. ♥ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this.

[Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused to receive a car instead of an apartment in Antwerp.]
It was my intention to have another phoneless day, yesterday. I had just uploaded yesterday’s status update. While I was writing this and after that, I heard my cousin’s friend knock on the door several times – she wanted to go to the beach with us but her parents wanted to leave at 10 AM so she wanted to play with my cousin in the morning – and that my cousin was awake (from hearing her turn on her Nintendo 3DS and her visiting the bathroom).

I didn’t want to open the door either. Even to me that person was crazy annoying. Constantly demanding my attention “Look I can do a cart wheel” “Look I can do a somersault in the water” “Look at our pool (inflatable tub)” look at this look at that all the time and my reaction was “Oh nice!” all the time. At some point she complained that I always say “nice” and that I should use more words. Grinding my teeth, I said “Nice things are nice because they’re nice,” she not knowing what the fuck I even said because I purposely said it in English. If I were honest, I would have said: “WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE TO ME?” Stupid 13-year-old narcissist who plays with lego.

Hoping that she wouldn’t walk around the cabin and start knocking on our bedroom windows, I had my eyes on the clock. I had to laugh about the situation – thinking God will punish me for doing this – and had folded myself into a blanket caterpillar, posting some tweets and texting my mother. About something completely different.

Scusami I’m going to have some breakfast and will be back xxx

Updated 11:57 (AM) [GMT +2]


I wish I knew counter-affection 🙁

Fangs: “Yesss I look forward to being my own interior designer. 😀 But study financing comes all the way in October (the school year starts at the end of September)… ”

Mother: “Preferrably Wednesday (next week for we’re in Egmond until Sunday).”

Fangs: “Niceeeeee. 😀 I namely fear that someone else claims the apartment before I do. So the sooner the better. 😀 😀 (I thought it was going to be next Friday instead of Wednesday.)”

Mother: “Second hand stuff, stuff from home and a new bed”

I’d rather purchase items that are better long-term of which I can be proud, which are new (but cheap because I can’t afford expensive).

My affection 🙁

Fangs: “Or cheap Ikea… But indeed stuff from home too I can take my closet along for example. And my kluzu. (Marnix (my high school) slang-ish for locker.) (There’s a locker in my room.)”

I’d rather purchase the cheapest Ikea items I can find regardless of the way they look, than buy used furniture.

Mother: “It doesn’t have to be done all at once.”

Fangs: “No only a bed and a table are important. Hmmm before or after Curaçao…?”

Honestly placing furniture into a small apartment can be done all at once. But I depend on my parents in this so all I can do is obey and try to have a little influence. I’m still going to move out as soon as I can move in. Even if I’d only have a mattress on the floor.

Mother: “And then slowly build it up. What?”

A.k.a. I might be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but at least I’ll have my own space and that will make me the happiest person on the planet. Please don’t say “What?” 🙁

Fangs: “I can probably move in before you’re back from Curaçao. But the school year starts from…”

A standard rent contract starts at the first of the month and I’m not going to travel back and forth after the one-hour delay of my train the first time I went there already. My parents are going to Curaçao for a week longer than my sister and I.

Ughhhhh 🙁

Fangs: “But the year starts from September 24th so principally that doesn’t matter.”

Mother: “Noooo, slow down. Your father also still has to get used to the idea of you wanting to live in Antwerp. He would rather buy you a car.”

My blood started to boil but I kept my cool because I still financially depend on them (and they’re screwing me over so fucking much every time). Because seriously, I’ve been in debt since age 18 or something and only when I might finally move out, that’s when he wants to buy me a car so that it will take even longer before I move out? Let me the fuck go man I feel like I’m held hostage and everyone is just watching it. 🙁 They want me to move out when I’m 40 and then live two blocks away so that they can come by for dinner every day.

Fangs: “Ah sweet but I need a degree to afford (the maintenance of) that car and I have 40 hours or something of school per week so it’s better that I move there.”

What the fuuuuuuck. 🙁 It sounds so crazy that I’m turning down a car – of course I want a car – but more importantly I want to distance myself of the grip my parents have on me. That goes at the cost of anything.  Even if I’d have to kill them and buy a car and a deserted island from my fucking inheritance.

Mother: “He wants to pay for (all of) it. But I already said that travelling there and back every day is too tiring”

That is my greatest problem. I never build up any finance because my parents always give me the assets and never the money to buy the assets. If they would give me that money he was going to use to buy a car for me then everything will be settled for me moving out and moving on.

I’m trying my very best not to lose it

Fangs: “I know what to do with that money if I could get that as a business investment I could buy my matte grey Audi RS7 (sportback) within no time. But (currently) the most important is that degree and the least tiring way towards that (thus not driving to Antwerp and back for three years or something).”

For years I’ve been asking my father for a business investment and for years he has been saying that I’m not worth the investment. And my mother speaks of buying second-hand furniture. And now just like that he wants to buy me a car for which I know he doesn’t need a loan to buy it. I can buy brand new furniture with that budget they want to use to buy me a car. No idea what car he was going to try to bribe me with but honestly I don’t even want to know because this all hurts so much. Were they really expecting me to say “Oh never mind I’ll just stay home for another year and cook twice a week yay I have a car now thank you daddy”? I’m not fucking stupid meow let me go. 🙁 Antwerp is empty nest syndrome check-mate. Let them just enjoy their other daughter who does like and love them.

Mother: “Right. And I find it beautiful that you now have this goal and that you now can hold on to it.”

Of course I can hold on to this. I’m doing all of this to get some space to breathe, away from them. She always insinuates that I change my goals in life around like it’s nothing, but never in my life have I changed the goal I’m working towards. I’ve only started a new strategy every time another one didn’t work out. She doesn’t understand how I’m going to use Mathematics to spark that same revolution (maybe in a way that is even better).

Fangs: “Yesss I now owe them a year of tuition ahahahahaha”

I’m saying this because they sound like they’re going to back out and they said that they were going to pay my tuition.

Mother: “Behind the scenes I’m busy with your father. He is worried and has his own ideas. I do understand him, it’s a bit scary for him, that you want to move out (by yourself)…”

Ew first sentence construction. Empathy, too, will not make me change my mind about how I just refused a car. If I could get that money from someone else I would be saved so much of this headache. I hate negotiating with my parents because I always end up settling for something that I don’t want.

My god please help meeeeee

Mother: “… His eldest daughter. Yes, that tuition will be taken care of.”

Is he even my actual biological father? If not why is he making decisions for me? And even if yes, I’m fucking 22 and not incompetent so please just fucking cooperate for one. 🙁 Why the fuck does my future depend on their shit.

Fangs: “I understand that it’s a tense situation for the both of you. But this is just Belgium and not even the United States (“Verenigde Staten”) where I want to obtain my PhD. We’re starting off easily. :D”

She’s wording this like only my father is suffering from empty nest syndrome. That’s why I say “the both of you”. It should have been “We’re starting off slow,” but it clearly is not. This is already a headache and I haven’t even started the negotiations with them in person yet. I reallyyyyy don’t want to negotiate with them in person ever again, the previous times in my life that I endured that were so traumatic.

Speaking of traumatic I JUST SAW A MOUSEEEEEEEEE IN THIS FUCKING CABIN. 🙁 I’m afraid it will bite me. 🙁 And eat my food. 🙁 Plus I have so many items laying on the floor in my room here oh my god nooo. 🙁 🙁 🙁

I’m going to call him Jacques. 🙁 I’m in shock ahahahahaha. I can hear it nibble on shit.

Updated 13:27 (01:27 M) [GMT +2]


Would making a trace of breadcrumbs make Jacques come out here alive and let us both live freely? I’m currently with my feet on the couch like a scared Catje. 🙁 I don’t want to move but I should do the dishes and make myself more food. Help. 🙁 You see this is why I need a sexy Graeyniss. 🙁

Who else can I tell this

Mother: “We will get used to it quickly. Especially when we see that you’re having a good time there.”

That’s not even what I want. I want more distance and less supervision.

Fangs: “Whatever it takes that will be fine.”


Jacques is hella photogenic. Come catch and adopt him please dear any Dutch animal lover willing to come to the Sint-Adelbertusweg 31 to pick up this mouse (and het FangCatje) please. Please please 🙁


Mother: “Ooh nooooo. 🙁 Do make sure that at least everything that can be eaten is in plastic containers. If necessary fill the rice container with sachets of food.”

I don’t want to do fucking anything. Fuck this. 🙁 As if I didn’t think of the food. But still fuck all of this meow I’ve had it. 🙁

Now that I’m in scared cat mode I can continue the rest of my story on this – by the way – very rainy day. I should untie my braids as well but then I’ll have to wash my hair and what if Jacques is in the shower. 🙁 I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see him well meow my feet are bare this is not yay. 🙁

That girl started knocking at 08:30 AM, then came back at 09:00 AM and then came back at 09:30 AM. My cousin and I stayed in our beds but my aunt felt guilty for the girl and opened the door. She was there with her mother and they were complaining about that no one opened the door. My aunt nudged my cousin and let the girl in who then started to complain to my cousin and hissing “I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to be dressed and ready.” Then came to my room to ask for a pen.

I searched in my bag, found a pen but dropped that one back into my bag to search for another one.
“I just saw you found a pen,” she said.
“Yes, but that one is empty. I just keep it with me for some weird reason,” I replied and proved that by scratching it on a paper in my notebook.

It reminds me of a little accomplishment and Victishe, so I don’t want to throw it away 🙁

Another annoying moment like that was when we were walking to the beach yesterday and my cousin said that it’s a tough walk and then my aunt said that for us it is but for her it’s not because she walks a lot and likes to walk. Then my cousin and I were defending ourselves. My cousin started to give examples of how often she walks and my aunt then said that she still sometimes uses the bike because she hates when she has to climb downstairs to put her bike in the shed.  I told her that it’s tough because my cousin and I are walking on bath slippers. Then she asked why no sneakers and I said because we’re going to the beach. In my social environment I always have nonsensical discussions like this. Fucking hate it so much.

What is even more frustrating, which happens even more often, is that people like to try to debunk my facts. My cousin asked how far it is from the cabin to the beach and I told her that according to Google Maps it’s 2.2 km, I saw when I cycled it the first time. Then my aunt said “No, I believe it’s either 1.3 or 1.9 km. I don’t know why.” I hate to be right all the time man why even start another nonsensical discussion I swear just say nothing. Then on our way back we spotted a sign that says “Beach 1.9 km,” which means that from the beach to the cabin it’s not 1.3 and also not 1.9 km. I hate to be questioned. When I saw it, I didn’t say a word. The frustration made me up my walking pace even more. I was already stopping to let them catch up all the time but the distance just kept getting bigger and bigger. At some point I turned around and saw them walk into a lane to look at something without even notifying me, so I started to just walk on my actual walking tempo (even faster) and go to the cabin without looking back. I mean I had to cook after all and was tired enough already.

She mentioned that my cousin and her could stay over at my apartment when I’ve moved to Antwerp and that she has gone to many concerts there. I asked what the name of the concert location was she didn’t know and received some celebration haha I was wrong bashing verbally when it was not the location meant when I said: “Oh there’s an event location close to where I want to live. Maybe it’s that one.” I’m moving on meow no one from my social circle here will stay over at my place in Antwerp. But I didn’t say that because it sounds so cold towards them. Though it’s what would make me happy.

In the video I made on my walk back to the cabin, I say that I’m not blogging because I want to make people look bad and have some gossip bullshit website. I don’t even like gossip. I’m sharing my frustration here because I can’t share it anywhere else and I hope that someone can understands and would like to help me start a new life away from all of this unnecessary frustration.

Time to put on some shoes and make my mouse freedom trap before my mother is here with mouse traps tomorrow. Tomorrow is so very soon. 🙁

Updated 14:54 (02:54 PM) [GMT +2]


Meanwhile I have made a path to show Jacques the door because this is really not working out, but he must have found something that makes him attached to this place because I haven’t seen him ever since that picture.

I hope he’s into Italian food…

Everyone loves Italian food meowww. My mother said the has spoken to a vermin expert one day and he/she told her that they’re after fat. So that’s why this is a path of prosciutto di parma (the parts that were starting to dry out) instead of breadcrumbs.

I’ve also finally washed the dishes and have started to untie my braids. My hair has grown a lot yays. 🙂 Unfortunately I can’t untie my braids and type at the same time meow. I’m really fed up with that I enjoy being alone so much but my family is so unnecessarily attached to me. It’s not that we have nice conversations or anything. Aside from my willingness to cook and do other shit I don’t understand why they’re so attached to me. Hmm maybe that was enough reason already. Oh and that I always listen to their monologues. But I’ve had enough of it meow I’m thinking of just saying what I think starting tomorrow. I’d rather just leave though because it will end up in the fight of the century for sure.  🙁

Updated 17:17 (05:17 PM) [GMT +2]


Mid-untying braids tired Catje

Still no sign of Jacques…

Updated 18:05 (06:05 PM) [GMT +2]


Untied braids yays time to eat yesterday’s left over awesomeness for dinner.

Gosh this post is over 3000 words. I really become almost kleptomaniac when it comes to convincing whoever is influential, rich, Graeyniss and yay to make me part of their life and get me out of the social deadlock I’m living in. My brain shuts down every time I realize tomorrow the setting will go from peaceful to giving people attention again meow I don’t want that anymore. 🙁 I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people I don’t like either anymore and I’m going to stop treating them like I want to be treated because they treat me like shit. Second-hand furniture but still buying me a ticket to Curaçao while I don’t even want to go. 🙁

I do want the Sun and a beach but I’d rather enjoy it with people I actually like. :'(

Ooh meoow I just realized the huge stack of used panties underneath my suitcase meow I hope Jacques hasn’t settled himself in that because I’m already dealing with panties scarcity. Honestly especially after this vermin I don’t want to even wear them anymore. But money. 🙁

Updated 18:57 (06:57 PM) [GMT +2]


So July is coming to an end.

Statistically (non-cookie-blocking-people wise), it was better than February and March

Top 10 most read posts/pages

I should actually do this tomorrow because maybe a lot of people suddenly feel like reading things just before twelve and then July suddenly was statistically better than May.

Antwerpiyays has been doing well so I hope blogging in Antwerp once I’ve moved there – because that is going to happen and I really hope to be able to claim that two bedroom apartment near campus omggg – will do at least just as well.

My plans for tomorrow are finishing my hair, baking salmon and hoping that the weather will be better than today so that I can take some pictures of the sunset. Furthermore I’m planning to say what I think and share the effects thereof in my post, and I’m going to set some objectives for the month of August (because I want organizational operations steadiness in September so I need to set up things in August). Plus I hope to elaborate on this set of tweets and pictures (I’ll just show you a few of them because they are a lot):

“… have to pay for the vergrijzing (percentage of working class retiring afforded by tax money), and earn back the INVESTMENT (because that minister said it wasn’t an investment) in that outdated nonsense (klimaatakkoord), and then have to pay the retirement pensions of those dumb people who created the klimaatakkoord (plus all the refugees they let in).”

Excusez moi it should have been Thierry Baudet and I. 😸

But this is all just things I want to see finished meow currently I’m doing my hair and I won’t be able to finish that before going to sleep (especially because I want to make it more voluptuous (voluminous¿) than it previously was).

Oh and Jacques doesn’t like Italian food. 🙁 Stupid mouse. 🙁 I’m going to try breadcrumbs tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Good night ♥

Updated 23:30 (11:30 PM) [GMT +2]


Audio, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Videos

Passion 4 [Saturday, July 27, 2019]

Hey ♥

I can’t sleep again. 🙁 Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. 🙂

Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully powerless. In these two nights alone here in Egmond, I’ve become so accustomed to living alone that I just want more and more of those moments where I can just be myself. I want to be a wild catje walking around with only panties on all the time my meow. The parcels I’ve been staying on don’t have enough surrounding private land to always do that, but even here I’ve been doing that at night with the curtains closed. If I’d do that around my acquaintences, they would say something like: “Ehm what the fuck are you doing?”

Anyway let’s get to this hot topic my miyays I have my current sexy example fantasy on repeat in my mind I’d like to share with you and use that to further explain my philosophy about sex/intimacy. I’m going to send a push notification about that I’m writing now and share this on Twitter as well (that’s a lot of yay push notifications if you follow me on both 😀 ).

Hmm but then you’d end up here and only have an introduction text and no juicy text about passion yet, so here are some of my most recent liked YouTube videos you could watch (even if you don’t speak Dutch, just watch them 🙂 ) while I’m typing and you’ll receive another push notification when I’m done (in about 30-45 minutes I estimate). 

Updated 03:17 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Sex / Intimacy (continued)

The last time I had sex was in December or January or something. I don’t remember exactly when it was (I don’t remember much of that night in general because I was quite drunk). I believe I’ve blogged about it somewhere. All I remember is that it was a bad example of what sex should be like. It’s one of those memories I’d like to get distracted from.

Over 6 months without sex is a crazy long time for me. In comparison to when I was with my ex, where a day without sex felt like a lifetime. It was the most heavyweight reason why I found it so hard to distance myself from him. But I’m over him now. I think… 🙁

I am so very much in the mood for sex. Always. And I always have plenty of sex/intimacy offers available to me. Here are some online examples of them I’ve received this month:

Someone on ASKfm wants to taste the juices of my vagina:

I always respond to my ASKfm questions with openness. Sex really is one of the most interesting topics ever. (Topics that are more interesting are a future global revolution and Fangyism ahahahahaha.)

Getting married to me for a European citizenship (“intimacy”):

I’m always interested in why people do what they do

The audacity…

You give this one a title:

Someone I “know” from social media

Et cetera et cetera I said no

[What if I meet a person like this when I live on my own in Antwerp?]

Over the years I’ve built a strong sense of intuition for offers I should refuse. These examples are all things I know I should avoid in real life because I know I will really not enjoy them. I love sex a lot. Like really a lottttttt. But I’d really rather have no sex than bad sex. I can look someone in the eye or interpret someone’s style of writing and directly know if our sex would be good or bad.

My ex has, for a veryyy long time been the person who I considered the most sexually attractive person. Now it’s Victishe… 😻 My body craves for him so much that it feels like suffering to live without him… Ever since I’ve seen him for the first time, I picture us being intimate.

My craving is so serious that I always fold my blanket and pillows together at length and cuddle it at night, pretending it’s him, but missing the actual feeling I’ve never even felt. I’m so curious of what it feels like because nothing can imitate his greatness. 😻

When I spoke with him the first time, it was basically the first time I got the feeling: “You are so hot if I stand close to like this you for too long I won’t be able to keep my body from wanting to touch you all over anymore…”

After my very random indirect attempts to see him again, there seems to be no possible way to ever meet again. (My heart has been bashed after being refused for jobs that are way below my level.)

The fantasy that popped up in my mind was that we suddenly lock eyes at a random Graeyniss event. (And this is what I would actually do in real life because now I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore.) I walk up to him and say: “Het is me een waar genoegen, heer *achternaam*.” (“It is a pleasure to see you, sir *last name*.”) And kiss his hand while making a little bow. (Can’t kiss his hand and look into his eyes at the same time because then I might faint from my attraction for him.)

I find a female kissing a male’s hand quite a cool emancipation 2.0 type of thing I hope he’d understand and appreciate the humor of. And see my affection for him.

My mind then comes with endless options of how he could respond to that. I like the one where we both keep up this overly formal tone and I tell him that my uncommon behavior (having chased him in the past meow I’m ashamed) comes from being such a great Victor *last name* (moet ik nou privacy anoniem achtig doen of niet meow ik snap het niet meer 🙁 ) fan. Then I ask him if he could please please lower himself so that I could give him a kiss on his cheek and after that kiss we both lose control over the way we have been suppressing our primitive drives that make us want to mate.

As this all happens (figuratively), the following question/dilemma arises: “All kinds of “important” people can see our interaction. What influence will this have on our careers?”

The right answer to that question, according to the Fangyist philosophy is: “Fuck it. Just be yourself. Fuck “important people” if they don’t allow you to be yourself. You’ll be fine without them.”

To be continued. I’m going to take a nap. Good morning. xxx

Updated 06:35 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Good afternoon ♥

Here are the ASKfm questions I woke up to:
Ahaha one of my favorite answers
A better definition of the word “Graeyniss” (!!!)
I want to say “Inshallah”
Please I hope Victishe is available to me

I hope you don’t mind me not adding <a href=”…” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer”&rt; *link* </a&rt; et cetera to it. I will elaborate on the great controversy this all is and more after my shower because guests will be arriving soon xxx

Updated 15:15 (03:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The delay will be a lil longer because I’m making myself lunch:

making lunch

I’ll be whipping ramen noodles with this. Issa classy struggle meal.

Hinting the controversy: how to educate people on how to treat each other sexually without becoming part of what I consider wrong first?

Do you understand why I feel so lonely?

Updated 16:05 (04:05 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Meanwhile guests have arrived and I’ve been socializing some. But I have so much to say about this topic meow it’s time for me to further explain why sex/intimacy is one of my greatest passions but currently also one of my greatest burdens.

With those 35 ASKfm questions about sex this afternoon, I show you the controversy I live in its purest form. That dilemma, “What influence will this have on our careers?” also includes “What influence will this have on the way people look at us?”

A female going in to public (online) sex offers is considered a taboo everywhere. All of those people reaching out to me to masturbate behind their screens keep themselves anonymous for a reason. But if I don’t display this publicly, though I’m extremely ashamed of it and it feels disrespectful to myself it hurts, some people who really are important to me won’t know what type of culture is dominating the internet.

I don’t think that the creators of ASKfm and other social networks intended their platforms to become a place for sex offerings and sex requests. EVEN ON FUCKING WORDFEUD one of my (Dutch(! (Dutch directness and online sex creeping is one of the worst most offensive combinations ever))) opponents asked me if I like white dick. The internet has so much to offer but this is what it’s mostly used for, which is so very disappointing it fuels my disgust. It’s one of the reasons why, when I mentioned observation in my first Passion post, I said that I want to be able to track people. I want ASKfm, Twitter and (most importantly) Strato to show me which IP addresses are watching me (anonymously), for Planet Fang (and who to assassinate) purposes. It’s also one of the reasons why I so often say that I want to move to a secluded place and change my number and not be reachable by people like this anymore.

Regarding to those 35 questions; I hope that in my compliance (which hurts my heart) and the thick layer of sarcasm, you can see that I’m trying to have some influence. I really hope that I can have at least a tiny bit of influence in getting women treated with more respect when it comes to sex.

Those questions are one of the few ways through which I can make myself heard on a larger scale. It hurts me that it’s almost only about sex, because I’m so much more than that I hope that you know that my love, but at least I can get people to listen to me in this way. 😢

I have never opened up about the way I feel about how I’m harrassed online. It feels like quite a step.

The great controversy is that I find it wrong to make sex and intimacy things that happen (almost only) via the internet, but simultaneously the internet is the greatest source of information so I just need to locate myself where I can have the loudest voice.

I’m trying to show you how to make someone feel genuinely loved. But I can’t force real love. It’s something I’ve lost hope for. The world is dominated by heartless demons who may all fucking die. That’s why love is not even on my list of passions. 🙁

My greatest problem in my openness and compliance is that I don’t put enough emphasis on how fucking much I HATE IT when people use imperative voice on me and how disrespectful most questions I get are. Seriously: “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?”

To recap this passage:

Twitter DM screenshot

It’s a Dutch person I said “Yess I need a recent example anyway”

Again I hate to do what an imperative voice said, but if I wouldn’t show you this then you wouldn’t know. I really wonder how other women go about this. I always stay polite but this is so controversial. By “I’m good” I’m trying to politely say “Please stop this.” If someone would say that to me in real life, passionately, my heart would melt. But online it’s all same shit different day to me. And every time it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 😢

There should be political attention for this. This should be just as illegal as calling women out on the street.

I’m afraid that if I’d speak up against all of this people I’d lose all of my followers and have no one to talk to anymore. I fear that they’d all try to take revenge on me or even try to physically harm me. But simultaneously I’ve always wanted to choke/beat someone to death so fucking bring it on.
Wat een kutopmerking

Apart from my family and acquaintances, these are the only people who talk to me. I feel like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I crave for intellectual conversation so much but the people I talk to don’t have that capacity. 🙁 My contact information is all over the internet, and I hope that people would approach me for my thoughts about revolution, but it’s all about fucking sex. 😢

I wish I were unapproachable on the public web and have uplifting like-minded friends I could cuddle with, with whom I’d live in seclusion and peace. Planet Fang. But if I’m not approachable I can’t find the intelligent friends I need.

When it comes to me moving to Antwerp, I genuinely fear for my life. I always get chased by people of whom I think: “What makes you think I’d ever be attracted to you…?” I don’t know anyone who could protect me when I can’t protect myself. 😢

I love sex and am very passionate about intimacy. Still this is one of my greatest burdens because there’s currently only one person I genuinely find sexually attractive. (I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read if you read this, Victishe. 🙁 ) Furthermore I get loveless dispassionate sex offers literally every single day, which I use to teach how I find people should treat their sex partners. I wish people would reach out to me for my intelligence but it’s always about my body. 🙁 I hope to succeed in creating a larger discussion about online sex culture. When it comes to me moving abroad by myself and having no defense against people wanting to get in my pants, I fear for my life. 🙁

So, this far, my passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied, I’ve listed:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy

The next topic on my list is information. More about that later.

Updated 20:37 (08:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


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“Focus Day” [Sunday, July 14, 2019]

As a follow-up from my experiment from yesterday, it’s time for orientation today. Relaxing yesterday ( = kicking back), to kick off kicking off ( = orienting on what my starting point is and what a good result looks like). Today is “focus day”.

There are plenty videos of me yesterday, on Youtube, waiting to be watched by you. 🙂

There are about 20 videos of me yesterday in total. 🙂

Maybe I can. I’ll see when this is uploaded. 🙂

After 500+ blog posts, my brain just feels so tired.

I’m in bed, currently. Thinking of what to do to be productive today. I can’t not try to be productive because I need money.

Then my mother came to me to tell me  the changes she notices in my behavior when I’m high. Even mentioning the parallel with the crisis center again. I already mentioned that this will happen, in my videos from yesterday ahahahahahaha.

It’s now some hours later than when I started this post. She came while I was typing this update.

I’m hungry.

Now going to brush my teeth. xxx

Updated 14:15 (02:15 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


In the right order:

My first video of today is uploading as well. 🙂 I speak of my search to define my starting poing in it.

Updated 17:20 (05:20 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


Hier is deel 1 van vandaag:

Updated 17:41 (05:41 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


Images, Media, Online Diary, Videos

“Writing FangCatje” [Tuesday, July 9, 2019]

01:27 (AM) 

My Catje ♥

The July 4th version of myself has intentions of finishing and submitting FangCatje today for distribution (intangible 🙁 ). But I’ve been busy…

Haha just kidding not really busy busy – it’s all unpaid and unrecognized so it’s not really work they would say � – but fatigue and social situations I’ve decided to engage in.

Such as the surprise barbecue, birthday restaurant dinner, psychiatric surveillance check-ups… And chilling with my little cousins at my aunt’s (their grandmother’s) yesterday. 😀

I was stunned to see that my little cousin, Lila Sky, of two years old – three this Sunday – can operate my phone so well. Especially because my grandmothers of 77+ I have to re-explain how to use a smartphone every single time.

Her sister Tara Fe is 10 years old 😸

She told me – without me asking her which is something I appreciate sooo much – that she aspires to become either a teacher or a doctor. Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs had an instant connection with her because we both enjoy discussing the concept of school.

I also pre-quizzed her yesterday, because she has a biology test today, with the topic of reproduction of flora and fauna (but nothing about sex). She did very well, so I think she’ll get a good grade. 🙂

She was correcting her mother on the pronunciation of my name ahahahahaha. 😂

I honestly find this one of my best pictures 😂

Tara took this picture and said that with the date on it, I’ll never forget the fun we had yesterday.

Now it’s in my diary, so it will be in the collective memories of us all forever. 🙂 ♥

Later at night yesterday I played basketball with my cousin who is their father. It was a lot of fun! We played “elevens” first and after that some one-on-one games. And then my tachycardia started acting up so we quit playing. Then headed to the best night shop I’ve ever seen – compared to the ones I visit – for some couples “Please bring me chocolate” duties. I’m in the possession of some Milka with hazelnuts now meow I genuinely feel spoiled and yay. 😸

Something else I’ve done yesterday is have a conversation with the experience expert whose internship is coming to an end. Especially the similarities in the experience of being the listening ear of our parents was very interesting.

Meow I’ll elaborate on that and the purpose of FangCatje – because second opinion, Antwerp, collective Stratagem and bookstore is it already clear now meow haha – after I’ve slept because meanwhile it’s exactly 3 AM and I’m very tired my meowww. When my aunt and Lila were at the playground and Tara was studying, I’ve been working on FangCatje and I intend to make some on paper miles for it today.

By the way FangCatje is FangCatje because I’m The Fangs and I’m a Catje too. 🙊

Sweet dreams my Catje ♥


14:11 (02:11 PM) 

Good afternoon 😸 ♥

So I want to tell you more about the purpose of FangCatje, I want to work on FangCatje itself and I want to make stew. Then making stew becomes the highest priority because food is a basic need and stew is not stew if it hasn’t been cooking for a long time. So, tut mir leid, I’m first going to shower, buy some meat and get that ready to boil and get soft. Then I’ll be back here to be your Catje meow meow meow. 😸

By the way, though studying in Belgium is cheaper than studying in the Netherlands, receiving collegekrediet – for the tuition fee – is only covered in the Netherlands? x_x Now I’ll be paying my tuition fee from the study loan I’ll receive to pay my living expenses… I’m actually against this system but it’s the quickest and easiest income. x_x

See you later xxx


20:54 (08:54 PM) 

Your Catje is back meowww.

Meanwhile I’ve finished the dinner I prepared

And I’ve babysitting my cousins againn and then chilled some with their mother/my cousin in law. 😀 Now I’m a tired Catje. 😴

I haven’t gotten to writing FangCatje at all today. 🙁 I think that tomorrow I’ll write a way simplified version because I have an appointment with my psychotherapist’s assistant (and not him if I’m correct) coming Thursday and wanted to send it (before) today.

But I’ll just write something that fits on like 1-2 A4 sheets tomorrow… So basic mweh. 🙁

By making it public, I hope people will understand why I consciously do what I do. I hope they’ll become my Catjes in real life, then. Because currently I’m not really allowed to bond with people from outside the story. So I hope that if I tell you my story, you will tell yours. We shouldn’t have to disguise these sides of ourselves. And I won’t be understood if you don’t know this side of me.

But I’m a tired Catje now. Watching Scare Tactics, which my cousin in law introduced me to before I left, as I’m typing this. This is actually genuinely making me laugh. 😂 That doesn’t happen enough my meow. 🙁

I was already tired when my brain dragged my limbs to the store earlier today. Currently it’s giving me hunger signals again. I’m going to eat something and then go to sleep my meoww.

Good night sweetie ♥


keti koti monument
Media, Online Diary, Videos

Day of Yays [Monday, July 1, 2019]

19:59 (07:59 PM)

Good evening 🙂 ♥

Excuse my late post. I’ve been so busy meoww. This is such a day of yays 😀 .

The Yays

First of all, today is Keti Koti: the day on which slavery officially became abolished by law, for Suriname and the Dutch Antilles. The act was passed in 1863, but there was a 10-year transition period for slaves to become free slaves, so it was officially official in 1873. Who knows what life would have looked like if this act wasn’t passed!?!? (Something I thought about a lot, when I was little.) So yay 1 🙂 . Keti = chains, koti = cut. [I find it very important that people know this part of human history and am glad that this is celebrated anually, because in that way it won’t be forgotten by those who do not have that history as part of their identity. It still has played part in all of our lives. The history of the Dutch touches on the lives of everyone.]

This is the official Keti Koti monument. It’s located in Amsterdam. The source of this image is het Algemeen Dagblad.

The second yay is that I’m almost an official student at the University of Antwerp. My next step is to visit the campus and seal my enrollment 🙂 . (That will probably happen after I’ve received study financing, because currently I’m broke as fuck and my parents are not supporters of me going to Antwerp. (“If you go to Antwerp, you can’t work on yourself,” was my father’s argument against my determination to go back to a residential university. Me leaving my life here behind to study full-time is me working on myself. Ugh.)) I absolutely can’t wait! 😻 I swear I wish my lectures start tomorrow…!!! 🙁

The third yay is that I have access to the book sellers’ database, so now I can start selecting what books I want to sell in the D.O.C.I.S. Store 🙂 . (But I still have soo much to do to configure the D.O.C.I.S. Store oh my gahahawdddd.)

The fourth yay is that after today’s conversation at the institution where I have my case manager et cetera, it seems like the permanent end of psychiatric surveillance is at least something that now sounds a bit realistic to me.

The fifth yay is that I’ve had a very nice day with my cousins and aunt 🙂 . Meoww it was the first time babysitting on my little cousin (who will turn 3 this month). I’m glad she found it fun with me 😀 . And her sister (my (half-)cousin) and I had some time to bond as well 🙂 .

Yesterday’s video is uploading to my blog now. I’ll be back when it’s done 🙂 xxxxx


23:09 (11:09 PM) 

My video is uploaded yayss. It’s not a jolly video in which I say anything or something, but I just like watching it on repeat and maybe so do you 🙂 . (That’s The Fangs ayy 😀 .)

Ah meoow it showed 100% but now it shows an HTTP error. I’ll compress it 🙂 .

Furthermore I’m too tired to elaborate on my yays. I had a lot of fun running around with my cousin all afternoon, but now I can barely keep my eyes open.

Ah meoww the file is too large to be compressed x_x. Ah I’ll try youtubeeee 🙂 .

Here are yesterday’s basketball yays:

I’ll be tweeting some and after that I’ll go to sleep. I’m at my aunt’s and will stay here until Wednesday 🙂 . Tomorrow, I’ll be back again (more elaborate than today ehehe).

Good night ♥


Images, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Awesome Turbulence [Saturday, June 22, 2019]

Good evening ♥

If you’re a frequent visitor, you must notice a much needed difference: the front page now has full posts on it, instead of excerpts. I considered my posts too long to be shown in full on the front page. But the excerpts of 40 words were just the first 40 words of my posts. I think full posts on the front page make it more attractive to read what I write here daily.

My content is quite radical, so it feels like a big step having everything visible on the front page. But I love the thrill of that already 😻 .

Today’s content is written differently than the last few days, because of that. I’m back to writing posts, instead of statuses, but will unveil another layer of what I’m hiding. The layered personality that I am.

Trippy Nightmare

I fell into a very deep sleep after laking last night. The nightmare I had in it has taught me some interesting lessons. I would love to share it with you, which is why I made a note about it on my phone right after waking up from it, which is what you are reading now. The very short story has reminded me how I should look at the relationships I have with the people in my circle. (That I am still telling myself to hold on to too much, here.)

I was at a cosy Dutch bar with my ex, during daytime. Everything was going all right until I locked eyes with the man who was standing behind the bar.
Usually, my ex wasn’t really the type of person who expressed the jealousy he felt, but this time, he said: “Don’t look at him.”
“It’s just looking? I don’t mind when you look at other people either.”
“I love you and I don’t want you looking at other guys.”
This led to a discussion that made me break up with him on the spot, raising my voice at him. I left the bar.

The scene changed to this combination of a ’60’s style Dutch neighborhood in combination with a desert. I was visiting Wytze there (someone around whom I always sensed serious sexual tension (but considered myself too old, in his case), and who I, like many other people, haven’t seen in a very long time). We were walking around “his neighborhood” and he told me that his family was having trouble with their family business. I gave him some advice and realized that I had missed him so much (my body sensed that I feel the same in real life (not that they had a family business when we were hanging out frequently)).

All of a sudden, the all-sand dunes we were walking through became very steep. I tumbled down, rolling over my sides very fast. The surface became steeper and steeper. I lost Wytze out of sight.

At some point I was falling down straight so much faster than I should, as if I had a weight stuck to me. The sand surface became red flames and I thought that I was going to die.
I saw the face of the handsome man who was standing behind the bar, in front of the flames as a background. My surroundings changed to that of a smoothie bar.

I ordered a huge smoothie from him (he used two gigantic mixers to make it 😂 ). We started talking, there, and were having a romantic conversation very soon already. At some point I got behind the bar and kissed him and we declared our love for each other.

In the smoothie bar, we prepared dinner for my family. It was such a random dish 😂 . In my dream, it was a “traditional” recipe, but in reality I have never seen it before.
We were cutting this crazy large amount of vegetables that looked like something in between red coal and a radish, colored deep purple, skinned and grated potatoes and more effort. Then boiled everything with the skin and stem all together, drained it and put cocktail umbrellas in it, to then spend hours separating that what isn’t edible from that what’s edible, putting everything in “stew pan” shaped bags. There were a big bag and a small bag of edible dinner, and five bags of non-edible residu, including the cocktail umbrellas.

We met my family outside, in Kralingse Veer, very close to the spot where my ex (in real life) started to attack a man who was walking his dog. On a bicycle path near a restaurant. It’s close to the Sikh temple there. I introduced them to my new boyfriend and noticed the collective feelings of hate against the both of us, underneath their façade.

I got in an unnecessary fight with my sister, when she opened verbal fire on me out of nowhere, saying: “First of all, you purposely offended Kris by not waiting until he had arrived.” I became so fucking angry from the amount of bullshit in the accusation itself already.
When I was done screaming back and forth with her, my mother came with her unnecessarily sentimental parental expressions, saying: “You are making your sister feel very bad, with your words. You’re making the entire family feel bad.” We were still standing there. Outside, in Kralingse Veer.
And then, before “my father” could add even more shit to that, I said: “YOU KNOW WHAT? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL YOU FUCKING DUMB INSANE (…)”, handed them the bags of “edible” food and left, to never return.

I woke up still feeling so much anger, realizing that most of the anger I feel about past events is still cropped up. I wonder if I have screamed in my sleep, because I woke up with my lungs feeling all emptied out.


Ah meoww I love that I can now add text to this post during the day and be more certain that you’ll see it, because this goes straight to the home page.

I was at the gym, earlier today:

There’s something I need to vent so bad. He says he hates my blog and never looks on it (my mother also said that she never reads it, but still she called phsysician because of what I wrote in Highlights).

So I assume that I can tell you this in confidence…

Scapegoat me was tasked with making surprise party invitations. I postponed it for quite a while, thinking of how to go about this. I couldn’t think of any sentimental words for on it – especially because I don’t even want to party. And I thought of using an old picture, but simultaneously placing an old picture on it feels mourning card-ish. But while doing my hair, two days ago…

Being short on extensions at some point

So wearing my hair like that to go to the hair shop next day

I decided to look for a JPEG/PNG template for it. That’s how I ended up at Canva and created this:

That address on there is also my company address and that you already know, so yay don’t have to hide that

Sending it to my mother for approval. Then made it this:


So if he doesn’t lie to me about never visiting my blog, I can just share this on here and he won’t know. If he does visit it, and if my mother does visit it, too, they are browsing anonymously. Beetje jammer dat.

Anyway, I feel like I have played my part. I don’t even want to attend. But I have no money (especially not after buying much needed new shoes today), so where on earth can I go?
I’ve been searching some things about dysfunctional families the other day. On Wikihow I read that bringing a +1 to family events can make it endurable. I would so love that (Victishe 😻 haha). I had a hard time at my sister’s birthday already. But this is even more serious. I have no tolerance for insulting jokes and answering the question “What do you do for a living now?” at least 20 times. I really need someone to be there with me (and back me up in case I can’t hold the peace anymore and open verbal fire). But the person I bring along has to be someone I can level with, of a certain status, for the most comfortable result… I am, after all, the one who always says that she is working towards greatness, but still lives at her parents’ house, so they then tell me that what I want to do is impossible and the world will forever stay a shit place. I don’t want to endure that again Lord please save meeeeeeee.

Most of the “family” attending the party is not even family, so you’re, if you ask me, so very welcome. Honestly, if I had money, I would have organized plenty of events for us already. To me, YOU are family, if you feel what I write. It would be satisfying to me to Project X the place, but we do need to behave and be present at 4:30 PM, to have the surprise moment at 5 PM and be very quiet about it � .

My birthdays the past two years were traumatic, so I really don’t want to be partying with that crowd again. With the fake smiles and repetitiously telling me that it is important that I put my family first. My family is screwing me over, so I want to distance myself from them. I encourage the youth to do the same. I have no money, but there will be a private chef with a green egg (barbecue) present at the “surprise barbecue”. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a mental institution, all by myself (for most of it). I received cards with no money in it (that is serious fam).

I want outttttt.

Killing time

I hope my B would like to be one of the first to help me into the right direction for Project Nosce Te Ipsum and all the greatness that will follow from that success. He is my only reachable contact – without HR staff harassing me – who is intelligent, Graeyniss and of a certain status. All I can do is wait for his response… So I’m killing time, trying to keep myself entertained, finding an enjoyable reason to go outside as often as I can. Until my greatness is acknowledged… 🙊 That – and my slight weight gain 🙁 – was the reason why I went to the gym today. I went to the city center after going to the gym:

Part of me wants to shoot some hoops… Part of me wants to go to sleep… #Fangyism

Not long after I came home, my parents came home as well and brought along takeout dinner:

I really need to chill with hungry tall people, because I need to eat more frequently. Instead of huge portions infrequently. I think that is much better for my weight 😏 . Now I attempt to feed myself by being creative with whatever I find:

Legs need waxing x_x. But broke x_x.

Positive Yays

I feel a lot better now that I’m making new friends and meeting such lovely people ♥ . I’ve been so lonely these past two years 🙁 . Even though life hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me for years, and it is still not optimal, I finally see that things are starting to play out my in my way.

I hope this can be sealed by making June a better month than May.

Thank you for reading his 🙂 .

I hope to see you here again, tomorrow. And I hope that you won’t visit this website incognito (anymore)… Please don’t hide from me ♥ .

Tot morgen 🙂 ♥

The featured image is made by Sebastiaan Stam

Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Essay]

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid

A D.O.C.I.S. Essay

By Lil Fangs

An Author’s Note

This essay was written when I was in a very difficult situation. Again, being put in a powerless situation by someone else’s authority. I hoped that selling what I know about the deep-state, would help me to afford to get away from those circumstances forever. I’m not in that crisis center anymore, so the contextual information at the end of the post does not apply to me anymore. I, however, still need the funds to live independently. The essay was, because of that, put online for €1177.77, but it had no sales. I find it still important that you get the rest of my message, and that is why I now put this essay online for free.

When I published any other book I’ve published, just like when I was trying to sell this essay, I am trying to earn, so that I can set up a successful business and leave my current life behind me for good. I hope I can count on your support, this time.

“Always start the documents you sell, off with a quote. It will make you look more (modern) scholarly.”

– Lil Fangs

That was a joke 😂 … The rest won’t be…

This essay is all about the hierarchical pyramid, visible on the next page. I’m writing this from my own perspective. As a regular citizen, attempting to formulate an independent opinion, hoping I’ll succeed in nudging the official authorities, so that we can flip the pyramid together, forming a new powerful union.

Oh meow I reallyyy need to share this citation with you again, though. (I used it in my EP, too.) It perfectly suits the content of this essay! The first three paragraphs of Propaganda, by Edward Bernays:

“The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.”


Why Disrupt This?

Slowly but surely, the system is destroying itself. The education system and cultural stories that are told from generation to generation, have taught us to value money. It gives us a status. It is the reason many people leave their homes every day.

If an idea is not an idea that can make you rich, society will not consider it a good idea. In that way, making an unprofitable difference, out of kind-heartedness, and to do what is best for our generation and future generations to come, is unappealing to society.

What is appealing to society, is to maximize profits, regardless of what it does to nature. What is appealing to society, is to destroy the names of talented people, because most people don’t have any talents. What is appealing to society, is to make a small story far bigger than it actually is, because otherwise, people have nothing to talk about.

When nature gives out, because it has been abused by this generation far too much, money will have no value. Many lives will become purposeless. That is not our problem (anymore), because they have had enough time and have received enough information to create a better system.

Those at the top (three layers) of the pyramid, have no clue what they are actually doing. They’re far too busy playing the status game. They think it has actual meaning, while it’s only talk. They don’t think about the future, and the consequences of their actions.

To make sure that they don’t ruin the future of us and generations to come, we should flip the pyramid. Instead of trying to maintain what we have, we should disrupt it even further – none of us truly enjoys this anyway. It’s only a façade, needed to keep our status. It is better to cause the disruption ourselves, so that we have control over the way the world looks, after it the system is collapsed, instead of giving in to the prospect of our fate being an uncontrollable chaos, caused by idiots.

The disruption starts with your purchase – thank you 💕 – and is followed by all of us taking physically visible action, simultaneously. I’ll first convince you of why the system has to be disrupted, some more, including some sad stories and good prospects, then I’ll tell you more about my Stratagem, and after that, it’s time for real action 🙂 .


Looking from the Bottom up

From the bottom of the pyramid, the experience of life is anything except joyful. Formulating an independent opinion is too difficult for many, so we are taught to adapt and dumb down our conversation. We watch the members of the inner cabinet try to uncover who is who, and know that right-wing and left-wing are meaningless concepts in that context.

Some individuals are in multiple positions in the pyramid at the same time, due to the status that comes with their profession. Some, like me, aren’t. There are right-wing politicians, doing independent research, echoing their views over the sounds of journalists who blindly follow trends, attempting to reach the business authorities that are being told what to do, by binge-watching babyboomers and their offspring, for example.

We, at the bottom, hope to see a large Volta, where there will be no more name shaming as “world news”. We, at the bottom, want to see the type of change in society that will make everyone go back to school again, because life as we know it will fully change.

But the change the bottom two layers want and need to see, will mean that the top three layers of the pyramid will become obsolete. Fully obsolete…


When I say this to those who blindly follow trends, they respond with something in the context of: “No wonder you are diagnosed with schizophrenia.” The media pre-chew everything there is to discover in life, and tell you how you should feel about that, so how come I have such an odd opinion about everything in life?

“Propaganda” is a bad word, “multiculturalism”, “professional” and “STG” are good words, according to the trends. How about they become just words again, where “good” or “bad” depends on the context they are used in, and the personal view of the listener.

So then, in my view, “I’m going to use propaganda to make everyone my minion,” is bad. But “I’m going to use propaganda to force people to think independently (and unveil their identity),” is good.

Since I’m, in the meantime, still busy debunking the diagnosis schizophrenia I have received, I have to still point this out, though I assume you know I know this, and I hope you know this: Officially, the official authorities and those backing them, are on top of the pyramid. But because we are taught that the media are the voice of independent reason, the official top of the pyramid is not treated as the top of the pyramid, but as puppets who have to be shaped according to the will of the self-preservative deep-state, profiting of the overrated status game.

The bottom two rows of the pyramid are structurally being prohibited from emancipating, because the top three layers do not want to give up their position in the Silent Pyramid. This is so severe, that from a young age, people are taught to stop hoping for change, and accept life as it is. Then the media confirm that image, by publishing thousands of pessimistic articles per day. And if you go too far in your believes for change, like me, you’ll become a victim of social shock therapy and be forced to take psychiatric drugs until you give up on your dreams. Life can’t go on like this forever! Especially not because of the state of the waterworks… 🙂 (The state that is fully ignored by those who blindly follow, and which is not getting enough media attention AT ALL!!!)

I have a lot of trouble with that people who blindly follow trends are authorized to label and stigmatize the worlds of people they can’t even understand. In my view, schizophrenia – as well as MANY other labels – cannot exist, because every perspective on life is unique. It’s just used to push us down the Pyramid even further… That includes people who are convinced by other people that they’re dumb, while they’re actually very smart.

Dissolving the Deep-State

As was said in the citation of Bernays: the members of the inner cabinet, do not know the identity of their fellow members. As in that they cannot openly discuss their hidden agendas. But if you’re only in it for the money and other forms of self-preservation, it’s not necessary to discuss your agenda to reveal your identity. (I say “your” for simplicity. I don’t necessarily mean you, my dear reader.)

In our competitive world, everyone is incentivized to show characteristics of politeness and intelligence, whether they’re real or fake. Humor, in the meantime, has evolved into “laughing after barbarianism”. To me, today’s sense of humor is painful and loveless. Real humor requires intelligence. Intelligence most people – sad but true – don’t have.

Through someone’s sense of humor, you can decipher that person’s identity and hidden agenda. The façade of politeness and intelligence is meaningless, when jokes are misunderstood due to the lack of understanding. From that, an interview follows, to unveil the nature of a joke [Was it to indirectly insult, or was it to make laugh?], and to unveil the nature of the listener [Does the listener find the joker a good conversationalist, or does he/she find him an annoying nerd?].

I’m pulling out all the stops in this paragraph [wonder why?] 😏 . I just want to show you that, even though I’m not really part of it (yet), I know your world very well.

We shouldn’t spend time with those we can’t get along with. The politeness, resembling “professionalism”, in this competitive world, we should let go of, because I know that there are, like me, many people who stay polite, while they would rather scream so loud that their saliva starts to foam. It’s not healthy to crop up emotions (of anger)!

I believe that there is a professional deep-state, and a personal deep-state. The professional deep-state has superficial people wanting to look cool in the one corner, and pioneers wanting to make a change, in the other. The experience of the personal deep-state depends on individual identity, but I would categorize it in this way (mind you that my personal bias will echo through this): there are those who live to spread love, of whom some people in their lives live to do the same, but most people live to take advantage of them, because those people, taking advantage, live, but are barely conscious. They have no talent and don’t want to think about life, because their minds are not capable of understanding it, so let alone improving it. Due to the competitiveness in our society and everyone wanting to be a star, they’ll act as if they live to spread love, but in reality, all they do is just survive (by taking advantage of others).

I’m talking to the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, who truly live to spread love (and receive all of mine 😻 ).

An Independent Alliance

A real “Revenge of the Nerds”, will set the record straight. We have adapted ourselves to less intelligent people for long enough. How about we all let “professionalism” go, simultaneously, and just be ourselves. (You’ll breathe more freely than ever before!)

We, the bottom layers of the Pyramid, don’t need large groups of people to do what we want to do in life. It is what makes us strong as individuals, but it’s what makes us weak against the competitive top three layers in the Silent Pyramid, who are more focused on forming self-preservative alliances, than self-development.

We, “nerds”, should seclude ourselves from those we wouldn’t truly voluntarily spend time with anyway. If we all do it together, at the same time, the top three layers will be powerless. We can outsmart them with so much ease!

That is why I plead for the independent alliance of the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, through D.O.C.I.S. International, funded to unite us and revolutionize society. Who do you want to be, when, due to the collapse of the waterworks, the entire system collapses? You can start your life all over again and re-log who you are, for the history books of our future generations. Please let me know, by sending an email to



The international deep-state should be uncovered, the media should be taken less seriously, those who blindly follow trends have no purpose in our revolution, official authorities should become actual authorities and those who work hard to formulate an independent opinion, will become the world’s new generation of pioneers.

I hope to have given you information that is understandable, and the incentive to do something you easily can and want to do. All you need to do, is, the next time I ask you to publicly support me, say that you are part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council, and poke your chest and bum out, showing the world the strong and independent individual that you are. I’ll divide positions and tasks on the fly. (They say don’t put new information in the conclusion of your texts… I’m still doing it. #YOLO.)

A Digression

War in the Western world, would make me happy. To get the chance to rebuild the overpromoted, decaying metropolitans, which are like old, squeaking amusement park attractions, facilitating the same routine over and over and over and over again. I can’t even pretend to like it anymore. I can’t pretend to value it, either. It would also end that awful “The West is the Best”-sentiment (democrats often use).

The top three layers will point a moralistic finger at me, for the first sentence of this digression, but that is only because the war will be against them, and they will be so very powerless.

Ik hoop dat je je door mijn schrijven een stuk minder alleen voelt. Ik hoop dat ik je leven leuker maak, vanaf de afstand van waar ik je bereik.

Je voelt je zeker alleen omdat je voor de meeste mensen te intelligent bent. Maak je niet (meer) druk, want je persoonlijkheid zal binnenkort de allernormaalste zijn. Andersdenkenden belachelijk maken, zal binnenkort belachelijk worden. Ook zal het normaler worden om culturele gebruiken te laten varen.

Of ik helemaal klaar ben met Project Nosce Te Ipsum? Nee, ik wacht tot men me antwoorden opstuurt. Ik moet weten hoeveel mensen A of B stemmen op de laatste vraag in The Hypothesis, omdat ik op basis daarvan, had ik gezegd, het vervolg van het verhaal zal bepalen. Het is ook onderdeel van de informatie die ik nodig heb voor het publieke opinie onderzoek dat ik doe, om te bepalen wat de beste regeermethode is, voor wanneer de waterwerken er niet meer zijn.

Het wordt een spannende tijd. Maar hoe dan ook een leuke tijd, omdat we samen zullen zijn.

I love you 💕

– Xxx – The Fangs

Die dit allemaal in een avondje op haar telefoon typte, in de crisisopvang, hopend dat ze met de opbrengst hiervan een beter alternatief heeft dan de daklozenopvang, omdat ik vandaag weg moet uit de crisisopvang. Hartelijk dank voor je aankoop 💕 .

Hoe vind je mijn verkooppiramide concept, voor de verkoop van mijn essay over de Stille Pyramide? 😏

© Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) – The contents of this document may be re-sold for a lower price, but only when part of the profits are shared with the author. When reproducing the content, always mention the author.

Blog, Explicit Content, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

Vampin’ [Sunday, June 9, 2019]


Meoww I just made myself a late night snack. Back in the day when I was 14 and cool on Twitter, if I’d be awake late at night like this, I’d say that I’m Vampin’. I’m Vampin’, my Graeyniss.

Hungry… Crank up the volumeee:

Do you have sexy traditional plans for Pentecost you need some arm candy Catje for?

Let’s eat duck, Victishe?

Do you copy? Click on the previous bitte.

Shitt I’m tired mayneee 🙁 .

This was hilarious:

Would you watch if I’d stream on Periscope…? I just downloaded it after a tip… Or maybe I should use Twitter or YouTube for it¿ Not that I really have anything prepared. It’s more an “ever” question. If I’d live stream I want it to look better than the Prime Minister’s live stream… Not another video from my bedroom 🙁 .

Aiight I’m going to atten my orange juice and head upstairs. I told my aunt that I was going to be at her place at 12. Though my mother hasn’t invited her, maybe she would rather eat Peking duck?

Victishe? Meow I hope he has nothing planneddd… It would be cool to just wildly spontaneously bring me some flowers and then eat this duck with my family, including my aunt, or just run away from this entire country forever, just us two (and our Graeynissis)?

Ooof I can pass out any second now 😴

Good night ♥


09:40 (AM)

It feels as if I’m avoiding an important confrontation… Plus I have sooo much anger to vent, so why run?

That is sarcasm, my dear Graeynissis.

Still funny that the Netherlands is greater in size than Surinam, on this map…

Dinner conversations…

Would be lit…

Ahahahhaahha is it then finally suspicious?

So I’m just screaming for help in non-capslock all day, while using proper interpunction and a calm tone of voice. There are like a zillion figurative demons you’ll have to swerve past on your way to me.

I really hope my aunt is in the mood for Peking duck tonight 🙂 . And I hope for a spontaneous Victishe’s visit 😻 .

I’m in bed, shivering from hunger, with hunger pains again.


10:20 (AM)



But number 2 becomes number 1, more order changes will be there and the list will become farrr longer. Unsuspected criminals.

Look at me tweet my homieeeee:

I think I, by the way, remember Victishe having a slight Surinamese accent¿ Are we relatives¿ 🙁 Haha meowww je weet maar nooitt maar beter niet lol. Is het wel zo, dan is het wel zo hahaha ik weet het niet maar will zip it want niet weer schizofrenie gedoe please ah meowww…

Hoe zeg je “Boeroe” in non-offensive?


Blog, Media, Online Diary, Videos

~ While eating sushi, reading out loud

I was planning to make another video about editing my websites, but you know I don’t like doing web development related things… So I impulsively decided to read my, at that moment, most recent diary post out loud and comment on the words I have written there.

It was a lot of fun recording it. You can clearly see me get more comfortable with you, as time passes by. I tell you, for example, all about my feelings for King Victishe…

And there are manyyy tangents in this video! All about the content I’ve been putting out in the open: from death threats to commentary on some awful Dutch political decision making…

Please enjoy 🙂


You’ll hear me speak Cuddle 🙂

Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe 🙂 . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now 🙂 . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? 😀


01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is 🙂 . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! 😀

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far 🙂 .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side ♥ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) ♥


10:49 (AM)

Good morning 🙂 ♥

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoît Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx


12:55 (PM) 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.


16:25 (04:25 PM)


This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! 🙂 My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out 🙁 .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis on  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have 🙁 . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairs 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely 🙁 . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up 😀 ♥

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx


21:44 (09:44 PM)  

Heyy ♥

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay 🙁 . It might sound foolish to purchase a €1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? 🙁

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong 🙁 . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content 🙁 .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something 🙁 .


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Lekker mezelf zijn terwijl die hartverscheurende Cold Case helaas nog steeds niet is afgesloten

– – – – 09/05/’19


Ik heb me echt lang niet zo vrij gevoeld.

Wat mijn blog content betreft val ik ontzettend in herhaling. Minstens tot en met mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen, zal ik daarom offline zijn. Wel zal ik af en toe mijn e-mail checken, dus als je me wil bereiken, kan dat via

Ik werd zo geconsumeerd door het schrijven om mijn concept en identiteit te definiëren, dat ik vergat dat alles online eigenlijk waardeloos is.

Ik hoop dat de technologie zich zodanig verder zal ontwikkelen, dat het concept van de online persoonlijkheid zal verdwijnen, en het leven zelf een uiterst bovennatuurlijke ervaring wordt. Daar zet ik me voor in.

En voor Cuddles 😀 . Because I love youuu ♥

Ik wil mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen sowieso op camera vastleggen. Hopelijk zien jullie vanaf dan (of misschien zelfs eerder al) mijn ware, (monocratische, maar open voor goed advies) gezicht.

Tot snel, mijn lief ♥

– – – – 06/05/’19

De Rest van de Strategie

Het filmpje hierboven is belangrijke uitleg. Verder is, zoals de afgelopen twee jaar, mijn strategie wachten tot ik dr. Crutzen na die ontzettend lange tijd eindelijk mag zien en we verder kunnen praten over hoe we het Stratagem eindelijk in de praktijk kunnen brengen, featuring other Graeynissis 😀 .

Morgen ga ik een nieuw filmpje in het Nederlands maken, tenzij mijn bevrijding vervroegd wordt (is wat ik iedere dag hoop, meer dan de afgelopen twee jaar).

Youtube & korte filmpjes

Mijn publiceren is op dit moment lekker all over the place en hier zijn dus nog wat meer filmpjes die nog niet in dit “artikel” stonden, in semi-publicatievolgorde:

Ik ga nu mijn powerpoint voor mijn praten over de link tussen Fangyisme en D.O.C.I.S. International afmaken, dat filmen en koken. Of mijn filmpje voor of na het eten af is weet ik nog niet… xxx

– – – – 01/05/’19


Normaal gesproken deel ik in mijn dagboek dat ik aan het koken ben. Vandaag deed ik dat op Instagram 🙂 . (Beetje beschamend, want het kan natuurlijk niet op tegen al die gelikte kookvideos die je overal kan zien.)


Ik heb ook een filmpje gedeeld van toen ik piano aan het spelen was & toen ik in de sportschool was.

Mijn hoeveelheid volgers, likes, views et cetera is echt zwaar deprimerend.

– – – – 29/04/’19

Praten tegen een muur

Zo voelt dit. Dit is niet het eind resultaat van mijn werk. Maar dat wist je natuurlijk al, omdat je alles al gelezen hebt :). [Dat was mijn depressie gecombineerd met PTSS die zich uitte in deze sarcastische opmerking die is veroorzaakt door het treurige feit dat iemand die nu pas begint met kijken waar dit allemaal eigenlijk over gaat, zo veel in te halen heeft dat de manier waarop er op deze strategie geanticipeerd zou moeten worden, voor diegene niet 1 2 3 duidelijk is.]

– – – 25/04/’19

Ik wil echt godverdomme uit huis

Het is weer “business as usual”. Het probleem is dat ik dit leven achter me wil laten – inclusief de mensen – maar ik hiervoor het kapitaal niet heb. Ik ga hoe dan ook vandaag weg. Ook al slaap ik weer minstens 3 dagen buiten, net als in 2017. Ik ben zooo klaar met deze man. Echt. Hier eerst een voorproefje. 


Intussen doe ik wat web en social media onderhoud. Ik ben onder andere bezig met het instellen van Push Notificaties, zodat ik binnenkort geen gebruik meer hoef te maken van andere social media. Heb jij het notificatieverzoek al gekregen?

– – – – 23/04/’19

Ik ben moe

Na meer dan een jaar lang continu een lange en diverse reeks aan boeken en blog posts schrijven – die niemand leest – voelen mijn hersenen aan alsof ze het ieder moment kunnen begeven. Ik ben daardoor ook te vermoeid – en pici teleurgesteld – om te denken aan een nieuwe low-budget (door de diversiteit, mijn ongeschooldheid en mijn lage inkomen kan ik geen aanspraak maken op kapitaal) manier om mijn concept te innoveren, omdat dat me weer veel tijd en hersencapaciteit gaat kosten. Daarnaast vind ik dat mijn andere publicaties nog niet genoeg aandacht hebben gekregen voor iets nieuws.

Dus dit artikel zal steeds bovenaan blijven staan, omdat ik de datum zal blijven updaten naar de datum waarop ik een stuk tekst toevoeg 🙂 . Intussen wacht ik ook op de heropening van mijn Cold Case (over mijn vermissing, over de onterechte imagoschade en privacyschending, over de criminele manier waarop de politie me heeft behandeld, over de onterechte diagnose schizofrenie en de hartverscheurende gevolgen daarvan, de manier waarop ik mijn hele leven al financieel aan de grond gehouden word, et cetera), die als het goed is mid-mei plaatsvindt. (Maar intussen heb ik nog steeds geen vast inkomen 🙁 . Ik kan pas echt goed werken wanneer mijn naam gezuiverd is en niet meer als schizofreen word gestigmatiseerd.)



Sinds de publicatie van dit artikel (de 21ste van de maand April), ben ik zeer actief geweest op Twitter, voor promotie. Ik kon het ook niet laten om me gelijk met allerlei politieke discussies te bemoeien.

Voor het behouden van een uitlaatklep, terwijl ik mijn hersenen wat rust geef en wacht tot mijn publicaties hun welverdiende aandacht hebben gehad (GRRRRR OP MINSTENS DE ZELFDE SCHAAL ALS DIE LEUGEN VAN EEN VERMISSINGSCAMPAGNE), zal ik daar nu wat actiever op zijn.

Het is ook een wat toegankelijkere manier van corresponderen, voor mensen die eerst nog wat meer willen zien voordat ze mijn blog bezoeken.

Solliciteren = huilen

Als ik een euro zou krijgen voor elke keer dat een bedrijf/recruiter/whatever me een, “Probeer het maar ergens anders,” bericht heeft gestuurd, zou ik inmiddels met pensioen kunnen.

En dat terwijl ik eigenlijk absoluut niet in loondienst wil gaan werken. Ik wil graag een baan die bij mijn intelligentie past, maar de meeste banen voor mijn leeftijd en opleidingsniveau, vallen zwaar onder dat niveau.

Het allerliefst zou ik voor vele bedrijven en individuen als een inhuurbare propagandist werken. Met kortetermijncontracten. Maar daarvoor heb ik een netwerk en aanbevelingen nodig, en die heb ik beiden niet 🙁 .


Indien je/u meer achtergrondinformatie over dit blog wil, raad ik de volgende zoektermen aan: (Door die termen te zoeken, door op de loep rechtsbovenaan het scherm te klikken, vind u/je namelijk een aantal typische Lil Fangs blogberichten.)

  • Schizophrenia / psychotic / psychosis / psychotisch / schizofrenie (= dat ongevraagde wat ik probeer aan te vechten, want ik ben het niet met dat stigma eens)
  • Missing
  • Justice
  • Police
  • Nosce Te Ipsum
  • D.O.C.I.S. International
  • The Head Cuddle / brain-to-brain communication (is hetzelfde, maar The Head Cuddle is mijn zelfverzonnen dialect voor het device)
  • Sea level / water level / zeespiegel
  • My B

– – – 21/04/’19


Het grappigste van deze hele website is dat ik mezelf steeds uitdruk in het Engels, terwijl dat mijn eerste taal helemaal niet is. Ik vind gewoon dat de politieke verwevenheid van Nederland in alle andere landen ter wereld gewoon een keer goed onder de loep genomen moet worden (want hier is veeeeel meer aan de hand), en dat we dat moeten gebruiken als het begin van de nu zeer hoog nodige internationale hervorming (een voorbeeld van een internationale connectie is het Nederlands belastingsysteem dat als een mafiabaas is die altijd “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY!?” schreeuwt, zodra je hier een cent verdiend hebt of hier geboren bent, en dat dat echt anders moet [het noemt zichzelf een belastingparadijs (Google het maar: “Nederland belastingparadijs”), maar dat is geen waarheid, maar valse marketing en PR], want dat geld wordt niet goed besteed), en daarvoor wil ik mezelf als uitgangspunt gebruiken, gezien mijn extreem diverse lijst van talenten, aspiraties, gewoontes en wettelijke wensen. Het Engels is een een stuk toegankelijkere taal. (Het wordt meer gesproken, wereldwijd onderwezen en cursussen zijn heeeeel makkelijk te vinden, ongeacht waar je woont. Maar gelukkig kan er ook online vertaald worden – gezien deze post in het Nederlands is – hoewel dat niet altijd even accuraat is.)

Dit is stiekem wel een heel interessant verhaal

Daarnaast zullen veel verschillende mensen zich kunnen herkennen in mijn verhaal. Dat ik bijvoorbeeld zwart ben, maar de Nederlandse nationaliteit mijn enige nationaliteit is, is een lang verhaal dat begint met slavernij, wat ik met vele andere kleurlingen [denk bijvoorbeeld aan African-Americans (die niet weten waar hun voorouders precies vandaan komen 🙁 ) en Nederland dat (slavenkolonie) Nieuw Amsterdam ( = New York) aan de Britten overgaf, in ruil voor Suriname] gemeen heb. Er zijn misschien zelfs meer Surinamers uit Suriname in Nederland, dan er Surinamers in Suriname zijn. Het is niet echt te tellen, want eens was Suriname onderdeel van het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden (tot 1975). En mijn geboorteplaats is Rotterdam. Ik ben, van mijn familie, de derde generatie in Nederland.

“Ojo Lil Fangs is altijd vet onduidelijk waar gaat het nou eigenlijk over ze legt het niet eens uit bla bla bla”

Ik heb deze post gemaakt omdat ik in de stemming ben om mijn gedachten zo puur mogelijk te delen, en die betrekking hebben op zo veel verschillende onderwerpen, dat ik het maar op deze manier ga aanpakken. Ik denk dat het een fijnere gebruikerservaring is, wanneer je niet naar een volgend artikel hoeft door te klikken voor de volgende dag. Vandaar dat het nu één artikel wordt voor alle levensfilosofie en random gedachten, zolang ik nog in deze beroerde situatie leef. Met mijn eigen verdere bezigheden zal ik u wekelijks updaten 🙂 . Ik voeg alles aan deze post toe, tot ik eindelijk gehoor heb gekregen wat betreft mijn cold case. Ik ben geen schizofreen en had die diagnose NOOOOOOOOOOOIT mogen krijgen. (Dat verhaal komt in vrijwel iedere persoonlijke post voor [voorbeeldje] en ik houd er eigenlijk echt niet van om mezelf meer dan twee keer te herhalen omdat mensen de moeite niet willen nemen om te lezen wat ik nog meer heb geschreven. (Zo erg dat ik er pittig fel van kan worden.))

Een beetje respect zou ik wel fijn vinden

Ik wil echt veel liever met “u” aangesproken worden, trouwens. Vooral omdat mensen echt fuuuuucking respectloos zijn tegen mij, en ze dan alsnog fucking respect van mij verwachten!? Ik wil dan dat het de gewoonte wordt om me met “u” aan te spreken, omdat ik in mijn verbale communicatie altijd mijn best doe om lief en respectvol voor iemand te zijn. Plus, ik wil graag wat meer respect voor mijn intelligentie. Vooral van mensen die echt fucking dom én respectloos zijn. Ik doe dit namelijk ook voor hen.

Waarom nog meer Nederland als startpunt?

Publieke stock trading begon met de Nederlandse piraterij en slavernij. De VOC en later ook de WIC. (Voel je vrij om de feiten te controleren door je eigen onderzoek te doen, in case you do not believe me.) Vandaag de dag zijn vele mensenlevens verweven in de aandelenmarkt. (Niet de mijne, in de zin van zelf geen aandelen bezitten. Maar in mijn omgeving hebben ONTZETTENDDDD veel mensen aandelen. En volgens mij zijn de Nederlandse pensioenfondsen nu afhankelijk van bitcoins en wapenhandel. (Dat men überhaupt nog steeds denkt dat een pensioenfonds de verdere vergrijzing aan zal kunnen…… Het is echt tijd voor hervorming.)) Ik heb de correlatie tussen de aandelenmarkt en uitstoot al een aantal keren uitgelegd. En waarom de waarde van geld gebaseerd zou moeten worden op wat er op dit moment in de natuur beschikbaar is ( = niet zo veel). We moeten het gesprek dat werkelijk gevoerd moet worden – dat gesprek waarvoor velen wegdeinzen [haha I see you 🙂 ] – ECHTTTTT NIET langer uit de weg gaan.

Gemeenheid is onderdeel van de Nederlandse cultuur, en dit verspreidt zich over andere culturen, als een soort epidemie. Niet alleen door het piraten- en slavernijverleden (die als “heldendaden” worden gezien). Een ander voorbeeld is dat vele Nederlanders een gesprek beginnen door middel van een belediging.

Gisteren, bijvoorbeeld, toen ik door de supermarkt liep met een trench coat aan, terwijl de rest van de mensen in t-shirts en korte jurkjes enzo rond liep, en ik een verre kennis tegen het lijf liep, was het eerste wat hij tegen me zei, nadat ik hem begroet had met “Hallo” en hem later weer tegen het lijf liep in een ander deel van de winkel, “Je ziet er uit alsof het winter is,” zei. En als ik dan “Hou je bek gewoon als je niks te zeggen hebt, want dit is toch geen manier om een fucking gesprek te starten,” zeg, dan ben ik weer fout. Daarom zei ik: “Het weer kan zomaar omslaan. Ik ben graag voorbereid.” The truth is: gister was het niet zo warm en ik kom de afgelopen twee jaar niet zo vaak buiten, dus de trench coat was een impulsieve keuze, en ik vind een luchtige trench coat aan doen met 23 graden echt niet zo winters. Met die opmerking zeg je indirect dat iemand zich niet normaal gedraagt. Op die manier vind ik het een woordenwisseling die helemaal niet plaats had hoeven vinden. Ik voel me namelijk al kut genoeg zonder die kutopmerking. Voor de gemiddelde Nederlander is een gesprek als in dat voorbeeld normaal. Ik hoop dat ik niet de enige ben die daar een ontzettende bloedhekel aan heeft.

En dan nog niet eens te beginnen over zwarte piet en hoe vaak ik daar niet mee vergeleken ben in mijn jeugd. Fucking walgelijk en barbaars. En de haat die er wordt verspreid door Nederlandse nieuwsmedia en BNners.

Ik vind dat de mensen die niet respectvol met elkaar kunnen omgaan, van elkaar gescheiden moeten worden. Zo kunnen alleen de mensen die met elkaar overweg kunnen, met elkaar samen leven, en is de wereld een een stuk vreedzamere plek. De mensen die ruzie zoeken met alles en iedereen moeten echt verrrrr uit mijn buurt blijven 🙂 . (Dat is maar 1/1000 van mijn hele idee voor maatschappijhervorming.)

Vrolijk Pasen!

Vrolijk Pasen! 🙂

Ik snap niet waarom een moeder besluit om uitgerekend op Eerste Paasdag met één dochter (en haar vriendje) + kennissen naar Spanje te vertrekken (ik zei eerder Portugal, maar het is dus Spanje), en ik nu alleen zal zijn met mijn “vader” en twee oma’s, die niet eens zijn uitgenodigd voor het restaurant diner van vanavond. Een diner samen met andere mensen die “waarschijnlijk” niet eens mijn biologische familie zijn. Snapt iemand anders dit?

Uit solidariteit heb ik wat boodschappen gedaan om morgen een brunch voor te bereiden voor mijn oma’s (alleen dat is “oma” en oma, als mijn “vader” mijn vader niet blijkt te zijn, na een DNA test, die nog steeds uitgevoerd moet worden) en “vader”, morgen.

Eerlijkgezegd zou ik liever bij Benoît of een andere Graeyniss aansluiten vandaag. En morgen. En voor altijd. Cishe :D.

Waarom ik niet mee ben gegaan naar Spanje? Omdat je daar geen kant op kan [ze gaan naar een vakantiehuis (van twee huisjes/huizen) op een heel afgelegen plek], en het vermaak dan aankomt op gesprekskwaliteit, en dan wordt het Suriname all over again ( = net zoals die vakanties daarheen), en dat houd ik niet langer vol dan een paar minuten. Ik word ontzettend snel geïrriteerd wanneer ik een gesprek te oppervlakkig vind, maar probeer dan tegelijkertijd nog beleefd te blijven, en na verloop van tijd gaat dat gewoon mis.

Hier kan ik eindeloos workaholic zijn, naar de sportschool gaan en Graeynissis stalken, en wordt er geen gezelligheid van me verwacht. En een baan zoeken haha meoww I hope I may hug this Vicje :D.

Nog een vraag

Probeert deze persoon hier te zeggen dat ze denkt dat er niet maar één auteur is op deze website? Want dat zou me echt FUCKING PISSIG maken. Ik word er namelijk SCHIJTZIEK van dat mensen me incompetent noemen/vinden. Dat anderen niet in staat zijn zo goed te schrijven als ik (op 22-jarige leeftijd), wil niet zeggen dat ik niet bovennatuurlijk getalenteerd kan zijn. Er is maar één Lil Fangs en ik zal dat dolgraag willen bewijzen en na dat bewezen te hebben het liefst even een beetje frustratie luchten.

Ik heb weliswaar, gezien ik ook de webdeveloper ben van zowel en Docis.International, voor mezelf, in verband met veiligheidsredenen, een administrator en een editors account aangemaakt, in plaats van alleen een administrators account te gebruiken, maar ik post de laatste tijd blog berichten vanaf beide accounts, dus vandaar dat het kan lijken alsof er meerdere auteurs op dit blog zijn.

Ik ben geen fucking fraudeur en iedereen die dat over mij durft te denken, mag sterven van mij. Waarom tf zou je een hele persoonlijke websites maken met de meest gedetailleerde persoonlijke ervaringen, op de meest hoge frequentie in de geschiedenis van de mensheid, maar dat dan niet eens zelf schrijven? Dat klinkt echt fucking dom.

– – –

De uitgelichte afbeelding is gemaakt door Chevanon Photography, gedownload van

Gekozen omdat ik me (alleen) op als een vis in het water voel, en omdat Benoît me in brain-to-brain communication pesce noemt en ik hem visje 😀 .

Media, Strategy, Videos

The Link between Fangyism and (the) D.O.C.I.S.

I elaborate on the similar motives for the constitution of Fangyism and D.O.C.I.S. (International), and how this shows itself in my (future) sustainability policy and Fangyist economics.

In the video, I said that I was going to put these things in the description:

Blog, Media, Online Diary, Videos

Innovation & Cold Case 32 [Thursday, May 2, 2019]

13:02 (01:02 PM)

Good afternoon 🙂

I’ll be showing you how I update my websites today, (semi-)live!

Like around last year’s Christmas, I’m going to attempt to excite people to act upon my online fundraiser. This time I’m attempting the more populist approach, though that is a little against my principles. I just want my business to finally thrive…

13:49 (01:49 PM)

16:56 (04:56 PM)

20:11 (08:11 PM)

Lil Fangs
Art, Audio, Blog, Donation Forms, Ex Animo, Images, Interest & Money in Perspective, Interviews, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, The General Theory of Employment, Tips, Uncategorized, Videos

Dominique Daniëlle Elia CV (curriculum vitae) in het Nederlands

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

Praesens (D.O.C.I.S. International)


Algemene persoonsgegevens

Geboortedatum: 1 november 1996 (22 jaar)

Geboorteplaats: Rotterdam

E-mailadres: (persoonlijk)

Adres: XXXXXXXXXX Capelle aan den IJssel


Persoonlijke doelen


Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.

Korte termijn doelen

  • (Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
  • Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
  • Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
  • Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.



  • Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium

Behaald in 2016

Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica

  • The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree

Nog niet behaald

Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde


  • British Council
    • Cambridge First Certificate English
  • European Piano Teachers Association
    • Niveau C2
  • Basis Flight Simulator certificaat


  • Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente

augustus 2013 – september 2016

Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.

  • Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)

juni 2016 – september 2016

Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.

  • Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)

september 2016 – december 2017

Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.

  • D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)

juli 2018 – heden

Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.

  • ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener

augustus 2018 – september 2018

Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.

Overige (Informele) Ervaring

  • Ervaring met koken

Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.

  • Ervaring met lesgeven

Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.

  • Ervaring als model

Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.

  • Ervaring als actrice/figurant
    • Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)



ISBN: 9789082936803

Gepubliceerd op 24 september 2018

Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.

ISBN: 9789082936810

Gepubliceerd op 30 september 2018

Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.

ISBN: 9789082936834

Gepubliceerd op 30 november 2018

Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.

ISBN: 9789082936896

Gepubliceerd op 30 januari 2019

Een lang essay over een non-cijfermatig algoritme voor levensverbetering en de toepassing hiervan.

ISBN: 9789082936889

Gepubliceerd op 30 maart 2019

De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.

Long-read Artikelen

Publicatiedatum: 28 februari 2019

Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.

Publicatiedatum: 15 april 2019

Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.


Positief Negatief
Communicatief sterk Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen (Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies



In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.

Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.

Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog 🙂 ).

If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂

Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Videos

Cold Case 15 [Tuesday, April 16, 2019]

14:22 (02:22 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Exactly one year ago, I wrote my first online diary post. And yesterday, I shared the first fundamentals of the alternative economic system I live for to see it thrive. My written content has evolved a lot, in the past year 🙂 .

Something that has stayed stagnate, however, is my development in finding a suitable audience.

The things I write about and the concepts I want to tackle collectively, apply to all of our lives. But the majority of people in what I considered my social circle, would rather look away and say that what I want to accomplish is impossible. That goes for many people outside that circle as well.

So I’m still busy strategizing my way around this enormous burden. Attending networking events, has been my main method to attempt this, aside from attempting to reopen and close my cold case by trying another way to reach my B ( = dr. Crutzen).

Within this year, I have spent more than 70% of time all by myself, working on this concept for change. That’s why I haven’t experienced many memorable things, in comparison to previous years. Typing and writing has become so common that there’s nothing memorable about it anymore.

The Harvard Business Review / Harvard Business Publishing Executive Event, which I attended Thursday last week, is, because of that, a memory that is added to my collection of mentally visual memories, to which not many things have been added, in the past year.

I, still, keep replaying everything I remember that has happened there, in my mind, because – aside from me heavily struggling with my temper – it was an exciting experience, in comparison to the many other things I frequently experience. Frequent experiences such as laying in bed while typing a diary post, with my stomach growling, because it’s past 3 PM (now that I’m typing this) and I still have not eaten anything yet.

I’m going to eat “breakfast” and then I’ll continue my build-up towards expressing feelings that are so unusual that I tend to hide them 🙂 .


16:45 (04:45 PM)

The memories of the event, which uncontrollably replay itself in my mind, bring along mixed feelings. Mixed feelings, of partial positivity, because I was very happy to be in an environment where everyone has been encouraged to brainstorm and where very experienced people shared their knowledge, plus meeting two very nice students, but I found myself struggling with social norms so much that I just couldn’t stay for lunch and networking.

I thought that the audience of the event was going to be the same type of people as the speakers themselves, and that we were going to brainstorm together to list and solve employment (and sustainability) related challenges. But most people in the audience who made themselves heard there, were not in such a position. (As far as I know – in the context of the future – only the students (who also have leadership aspirations, for a business that is not an app or an ice cream store. It was so comforting to hear 😀 ) and I.) For some reason – of which the explanation I’m building up towards – I had the feeling that – though I had the chance of seeing and speaking to people I’ve had a very slight chance of ever meeting – it was not the right time to raise awareness on my business concept.

I kept thinking that we would be better off alone, without the people down the ladder who are not waiting to be replaced by artificial intelligence. Without a team of supporters, I’m not ready to be verbally lynched by the opponents of the real technological revolution that, in the end, is inevitable.

I couldn’t think of any one-on-one conversation starters, because I thought that I was going to be starting group conversations with Graeynissis. The only thing I could think of is asking the Dutch CEO of such a popular Dutch holding, a question about emergency policies, regarding the waterworks.

[I’m a bit struggling with how to refer to high profile Graeynissis who I haven’t asked for permission to write about. But I think, since I already let this go on the day itself, I’ll just continue in full-face diary mode.]

Okayy I’m going to be very random and describe my full experience to you in full detail, including how I went there.

I definitively decided that I was going to attend the event, the day before, after I – after a long time – asked for a personal donation, to pay for the train… I hadn’t slept properly for a few days. If I had known that I would have been able to go there, I would have spent the day before differently (not going to a coffeeshop and playing basketball afterwards, but preparing a pitch), shaved my legs and gone to bed earlier.

But I selected my outfit before I went to sleep (thinking of making a representative impression), and I had slept for less than 2 hours, because my alarm went off at 05:20 AM. This had become my travel plan:

I had 13 minutes to buy a train ticket

The metro ride was only one stop, after which I walked to the Tobacco Theater

I made those screen shots when I was still in bed, because I woke up very tired and wondered for how long I could continue to rest. (I couldn’t.) After a quick rinse (since I already showered in the middle of the night, after having played basketball), I put on my wig (but realized that I had forgotten to comb it in the shower, so it was frizzy) and some make-up (wishing that I had the tools to make something else than another set of cat-eyes). I drank my tea in the bathroom, and didn’t have time to eat breakfast. (I was hoping that there would have been food at the coffee reception…)

After brief regular conversations with my parents, I walked to the metro and was in the train on time. I read the HBR edition from 2015 that was in my bag, as I sat on the folding chair near in between the train entrance and the entrance to the first class part of the train, for more than an hour. (Feeling slight heartache for not being a real executive travelling at least first class. Plus I just grabbed my trench coat off the coat rack when I left, not knowing that the dry cleaners had given it back to me all wrinkled, which made me feel uncomfortable after noticing it, when I saw my reflection in the metro.)

When I found the theater, I noticed my name tag right away, on the table at the wardrobe. I started the interaction with the employee standing near it, with: “Hi, I see my name tag here.” (I always think “Jaa wtf moet ik nu zeggen,” when I need to talk to personnel to initiate their work task.) She then took my jacket and asked me if I would like to have a print-out of the program. I said “Yes, please,” and also gave her my bag to hang at the wardrobe, because it was quite big in comparison to the bags I saw other people carry. Then I noticed that I had put my phone into my bag, so I asked for my bag back, took it out and gave it back, feeling slightly clumsy.

I still have my name tag and the print-out of the program:

Haha I feel very random for sharing this now, but I couldn’t type all of this while I was present there and after that I was busy making my Keynes deadline. I also feel random for still having it¿

I thought that I would have been able to score a piece of cake or something else to tame my stomach, which was growling very loud at some point

So I walked into the place where the magic was about to happen, and saw a lot of people chatting with each other. I was hungry, tired and alone, plus had no clue who to approach to have a truly fruitful conversation with (it’s always either fruitful or adding to my heartache, and the more my heart has endured, the more the gamble scares me). I decided to take a moment (and empty my bladder) by visiting the ladies room. The location thereof, I asked the sound+screen+lights crew. Quite clumsy again, because I was carrying my notebook and phone in my hand, and I have slight hosophobia.

Walking back to the theater hall (which I expected to be bigger¿), feeling a bit disoriented from all of the little corridors, I met Alexandra, who started our conversation by saying exactly what I was thinking: (paraphrased) that the construction of the theater is like a little maze. (That is neither positive, nor negative. Just a very bright observation 🙂 .)

I then asked her where she’s from – Slovakia – and within no time, we were exchanging our ideas and aspirations. The idea she has for the book she wants to write (which I won’t give away, because it’s her idea and not mine or anyone else’s), is something I believe the world truly needs. I gave her my business card right after I heard 🙂 .

I find it hard to estimate wheter people enjoy talking to me or not. I didn’t know if she was enjoying our conversation – I don’t have such nice conversations often, so I feared coming off too attached(¿) – and if me talking to her was maybe making someone else she’s with stand alone, so I asked if she was alone, too.

We were standing at the right side of the stage in the mini theater hall, near the door that leads to both the exit and the bathrooms, and she pointed to her friend, who was standing on the other side, at the coffee and tea tables. I asked if I could join them. In that way, we became a squad of three, but I didn’t know if they actually wanted me to join them or not (as in some people do not want that, and I didn’t know if they enjoyed my presence or were just being polite, but “Do you prefer it if I leave?” I found too much of a depressing question to ask and explain. Especially because I didn’t want to leave her side).

She introduced me to David (I believe is how his name is written), her fellow student. They know each other because they are both international human resources students at Saxion University. David is from Italy and reads the HBR – which is how they got the invitation – and took Alexandra along as his +1. They have plans of (potentially) starting a business together. (I have not asked if they were dating? They look(ed) like they really connect. I hope I didn’t eavesdrop on their date¿)

We talked about that at the tea and coffee tables, where Alexandra and I poured ourselves a cup of tea. She chose forest fruit flavor (I think¿) and I chose jasmin flavor.

Around the time I had finished my tea, we walked to the seating area in the middle of the theater. We sat down in the middle of the seating area, on the middle right side of the middle parting of the rows of black wooden chairs with flat cushions on them. Because of the way we approached the chairs, I ended up sitting in between the students I had just met. (My insecurities repeatedly made me wonder if I was right for eavesdropping like this? But it felt even stranger to ask. Like how my mother tells me that dr. Crutzen actually wants nothing to do with me, but he still wants to schedule a meeting with me?)

I’m going to have dinner (it’s 9 PM now) and then I’ll continue 🙂 .


21:32 (09:32 PM)

Dinner was great. I love spare ribs 🙂 . I’ll now continue my very random explanation of flashbacks, of this special Thursday.

Miss Wright welcomed us with her speech, after which Mister Macht (cool to have the Dutch word for power as your last name 🙂 ) gave his speech. He explained how, with the tools of Harvard Business Publishing (corporate learning), the performance of an organization can be improved.

I believe that at some point, he mentioned that cyborgs (as in a human being with brain implants) already exist (in the context of the business side of it, which also suits the future of work very much) – which was something that made me want to cheer, because that would definitely make me win my psychiatry related cold case – but I can’t find that back in his slides? (I swear I saw and heard it thoughhh. I also heard (Dutch) people anxiously mutter, when it was shown. (Maybe that is why it’s not included in the downloadable version? Or maybe Mister Anthony said it. It’s in neither of the slides, but it really has been mentioned. Anywayy yay cyborgs.))

Since I heard that, I’ve been thinking: if I can perform brain-to-brain communication, while regular humans cannot do that, does that then make me a cyborg? It wouldn’t surprise me if I were one 🙂 . It would also explain why “some” of my relatives treat me like dirt 🙂 . I still have real feelings, though they might forget 🙂 .

The examples of business cases Joshua gave – I don’t know if I should stay respectfully formal or go colloquially first-name-basis on this, but this is my very intimately expressed diary so yayy – are the exciting futuristic and beautifully established brands that make me so excited about Harvard Business Publishing / the Harvard Business Review.

I would so love D.O.C.I.S. International to become one of those HBP & HBR case businesses. But meoww I’m such a small business, the concept is so controversial and I’m so broke, that I fear being rejected or ignored, for some reason. I still e-mailed him about my interest in a corporate partnership, hoping that that is the right approach to, in the end, have him become one of my Graeynissis 😀 .

After Joshua Macht [I wonder if using the name of someone who ranks high in search engines is somehow notified when I use his or her name?] had spoken, and an elaborate series of questions from the audience had been asked, Scott D. Anthony interactively spoke of the future of business, from the perspective of Innosight, as well as from his own personal perspective.

I found the slide, by the way! It was mister Anthony who spoke of a cyborg (in the context of the quote “The future has already arrived. It is just not very evenly distributed.” I knew it! (x2 (as in the world is far more advanced than the way mainstream Dutch people see it, which I’ve mentioned quite often here))). Meoww I received the slides today and realized that what I told Scott in the e-mail I sent him was inaccurate, in the sense that I told him that he inspired me to work on the way I analyze my data, and then referred to a slide that was not his x_x. I feel stupiddd. I also feel strange for mailing, while I have his and Joshua’s phone number, but what I want to say is sooo much and my voice would be all shaky because I’d see it as a once-in-a-lifetime chance that could easily blow over if I don’t use the right words.

The cyborg is wearing a red jacket, I believe :).

I discussed the “bingo” slide with Alexandra. I told her about the self-driving buses I used to take to visit the gym in Rivium Business Park, and about the cryptominers in this house I live in. We have both tried plant-based meat 🙂 . (I really wonder how it gets its meat flavor?)

At the end of the first part of his speech, he asked for two volunteers from the audience. I raised my hand right away, because I love being a subject for an audience and speaking for an audience.

After being selected first, by being pointed at, I walked on stage by taking a huge step with my Timberlands heels, instead of taking the stairs. It was very random, but it felt more efficient than walking towards the little stairs on the side of the stage. Then I was told to take place in front of the stage, instead of on top of it, so I used my efficient way of walking again, mentally crossing my fingers to not twist my ankle, as I took a big step to get off the stage, and – with the shakiness of my sore muscles from the work-out sessions fron the days before, plus loss of muscle strength because of the state of my heart – my other leg followed. I thought I was going to feel awkward about it, but I’m happy that I didn’t feel bad and kept my feeling of happiness.

Scott asked us who we are and whether we were optimists or pessimists about the prospects of the future. The other subject – I am incredibly sorry to have forgotten his name – who I believe was a Sikh, said that he is an optimist. I said that I’m both an optimist and a pessimist, using the words “I’m a little bit of both.” I introduced myself with only my name, by means of making an indirect statement, on which I will later elaborate.

After having been told about both optimistic and pessimistic statistics, regarding corporate and international growth, and the story behind that (after which we were told to not focus on the numbers, which – that always happens – incentivized me to focus on the numbers) my opponent volunteer was tasked with defending pessimism (“we are at the … of despair”) and I was tasked with defending optimism (“we are at the spring of hope”). The reasons for optimism were mainly about the increasing amount of start-ups and steady profits. Pessimism was defended by elaborating on the state of the oil market.

That is when I realized how complicated (to open up about) my actual viewpoint is. I’m only slightly optimistic, because I’m capable of reasoning out a way to alter the world, to make it fully sustainable and peaceful, and I can use D.O.C.I.S. International as the ultimate advocate, to make that reality. If I didn’t have had that, I would have considered a proper future for myself and like-minded people so impossible that I would have committed suicide by now. I see most start-ups as rival businesses who are disregarding what nature truly needs (which is not another concept striving to maximize output). And, as a Fangyist, I’m anti-profit, because of the heavy claim it makes on natural resources, when spent.

It would have been a good moment to pitch my business concept, but it would take quite a few minutes to make that clear, and I wanted to win the debate, so I said something like this:

“Of course, we are at the spring of hope. The American economy is booming, for example. [I indirectly said that I’m pro-Trump, but that is more for political awareness.] And though we are running out of fossil fuels [not even to begin with the state of the waterworks], we have modern technology, so we can replace that [I was struggling to find the right words to use, but I meant that we can fully switch to sustainable technology instead of fossil fuels]. There are amazing prospects, such as ever-increasing profits [I said while I pointed at one of the numbers on the positive statistics paper. I had to think of (ew) cryptocurrencies right away, and how much of non-value that actually is] and, I mean, if we can already learn by texting, these days [a reference to Joshua’s speech. I want to teach people Fangyist economics by texting?], the future must be great.”

People started to applaud. I made a little bow, after which I went back to my seat. We were then told to vote, and “positivity” had won the majority of votes 🙂 (even though I voted neutral, and my words (and appearance) might not have been an influence, but it still felt like winning, which was something I truly needed).

I just randomly watched this video, which I came across, as a suggestion, when I was searching for a tutorial to make an HTML email (like a newsletter) via a regular mail client, because I’m thinking of getting Graeynissis by sending an interactive newsletter-ish message, and this is based on what I “usually” watch:

Zondag met Lubach always makes me laugh, but when “the foreigners debate” comes across anywhere, I always get mixed feelings (because I know racism far too well).

During the break, while Alexandra and David were socializing with other people, and other potential Graeynissis had rows of people wanting to speak to them, in front of them, I got myself some tea.

Meoooow it’s already 02:30 AM! The rest of the story is still quite long, and while I was typing this, I got the idea of sending a selection of people an HTML e-mail where I give them my ideas and ask if they are interested in attending a brainstorm event I’ve been dreaming of organizing for quite a while now. It is the introduction event of D.O.C.I.S. International that takes place before the Benefit I also want to organize.

More about that, and how I went from volunteering to leaving earlier at the event, after some mental rest.

Good night ♥


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Grrr [Monday, April 1, 2019]
1 April 2019
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Volta in a Simple Diagram

Volta in a diagram

Everyone can use it!

That diagram describes your future! Volta is all about defining what brings you eternal happiness, and formulating a strategy to get there.

Plan A can be anything. Your ultimate dream strategy! Let’s say you would be eternally happy, if you move to a different country. [Extreme example:] Plan A may be being flown there by your favorite idol, and him/her giving you a fully furnished house and your dream job. If that hasn’t happened by the deadline you have set for yourself, it’s time to switch to plan B.

In plan B, you shouldn’t count on anyone, but yourself. As much as possible, you should do everything that is needed to reach your desired state, without depending on anyone else. There’s enough information about emigration available on government websites and blogs, so you really don’t need anyone else. You can do the paperwork yourself! Only to literally get you to the other country – unless you could fly your own plane – you do depend on others, so that’s why not depending on someone else “as much as possible”.

It’s your vision. Only you can picture your desired end result. No one is more passionate about it than you are. For a success guarantee, it’s important to limit negative influences, so stay as independent as possible. A plan B can’t fail! It can only need readjustments, if things still don’t play out your way. There are multiple ways to achieve your desired state 🙂 .

Currently, I’m about to put my own Volta’s plan B into practice. In case you need an example of the method in practice… Volta in a simple diagram, is what I use to keep my overview.

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Saturday, February 9, 2019

00:05 (12:05 AM) 

There are people walking in noww. Haha I feel like a little gogo dancer here in the DJ booth. 

Here’s a veryyy short video of Jamiro and I, captured just now:

My numbers for Feb 8 still need to be calculated. I’m such a nerd x_x. What’s on my mind the most, is how to keep up the rising… Please help me 😀 

Haha hold upp my glass is empty xxx


00:32 (12:32 AM) 

I also wonder what caused this increase in visitors from the US, because usually most of my overall audience is from the Netherlandsss

Haha tipsy statistics with Lil Fangs :D. Tipstatistics… Tipstatisctsy…. 

Meoww the booth is the safest place. No harassment. Some private dancing space. Overviewing all movement in this cosy club… I love it 😀 . Hire me for this? Gogo Fangs 😀 


02:30 (02:30 AM)  [THIS IS SO DOUBLE]

Meoow this party is a lot of fun. I’m sad about you nt being here. Meooow I want to start a Graeyniss party!!! Haha auto correc is saving me on this. I have serious things to share!!! 

First of all, I want to pitch claiming this confortable top bfloor bed and this comfortable sexy broad Shouldered cuddle! Meoow for so long I’ve been staying In Amsterdam!!!! And the party is nice.  I  love the DJ BOOTH!!!  Too bad I don’t know regaeton or Dutvh music,!!! Meooow whwre are my English speaking cuddles l!?  Haha fuuck I went from whiskey to vodka….. But I’ll act fresh as FUXK for this Tech rvated reserved d spa session!! I need to be fresh as fuck at,11:30!!!!!!!!!! Haha meow Jamiro’s stop drinking alarm goes at 03:00 and it’s 02:43 right now

I’ve set qn alarm for stop drinking for Jamiro for stop drinking for 03:00!!! Mine shoud have gone at 01:00!!!! But 03:00 yess I’m going to stop drinking vodka!!?!?


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Wednesday, February 6, 2019

00:20 (12:20 PM) 

Meoww my forum and online bookstore are visible online, but they’re not finished yet. There are some books I still need to add to the (e-book) store [I want to sell tangibles, too, but don’t have the funds and location for stock management, yet], add some refund policy credentials, add terms and conditions, and [the most fun part] add forum topics! I hope I’ll be able to attract Graeynissis to my forum 😻. There is so much to discuss 😻.

My heart slightly fears hatred and harshness on my forum. But my comment sections are peaceful, and so should be my forum. I can’t wait to get my blog out of social isolation, in the right way!!! 

I’m going to continue to work on this for a little while. Interacting with people who think like me excites me :D. Interacting with people who like my writing excites me :D. 

What’s on my mind, as I’m working on these things, is how to assemble the right people for the intimate community I intend to create… I’m thinking of a Google Ads campaign, simultaneously with Volta’s ad campaign, but I hope The Head Cuddle will finally reveal its hidden strength…

Haha I’ve been watching BoJack Horseman while working on this… After Rick and Morty (and before that, yeaaaars of never following anything), it seems like this will be my next “entertainment” aside from writing and walking… I’ll keep it to a minimum.

Oohh meoow something I’ll add to my store is the service of me writing a personalized text for you!!! That’s so much fun!!! It’s great for finding purposes to write for, it’s great for having something to do, it’s great for my network, it’s great for my wallet, it’s great for my name… Yay 😀


04:02 (AM) 

There is a lottt to configure!! I’m not done yet, but I should get some rest… (I guess? I don’t feel tired, but I feel like it’s mandatory to take a break?) 

If people would use me as a text generator, I could make a living!!! I love getting writing tasks!!! Let me write you a book 😻. Or write a text on a canvas, you could use as decoration! 

Omgg I would be soo happy if people would ask me to write personalized texts for them!!! I’d have something to do, maybe have a reason to start a conversation with someone new, and I could get myself out of debt, without wanting to die from the mental slavery I’ll have to put myself through to get there!!! 

My Graeynissis 😻. May I write something for your paper?? 😻 You can let me read in on any topic, and I’ll be able to write about it, as if I’ve mastered the entire subject myself!!! 

Yay 😀 

I’m off to eating some more berries and then go to bed

I love you so much!!♥

Good night! 😀

xxx – 

12:54 (PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

Hehe last night, I didn’t really want to go to bed, and now my bed feels so cosy and warm, I don’t want to leave it… But the excitement of the idea of a finished website, will get me out of bed and behind my laptop! 

My spontaneous impulse to change around this website, came from me asking myself how to quickly find a way to have a more fun website for visitors and find a quick way to earn – after I spent some time studying my Google Analytics and struggled with setting goals for this website, because there’s not much to do here, aside from reading, and now that bills are getting deducted, and there’s not much coming in. 

Here’s what’s on my list for a finished website:

These are quite fun tasks 🙂

I don’t know if I have enough money for a terms and conditions statement x_x. Maybe I’ll have to write it by hand x_x. 

By engagement, I mean that I’ll make some test accounts for the forum and use that to start conversations. 

I’ll still sell tangibles, by forwarding you to the sites where they’re available. When I’m done with all of this, I’ll also draw some new designs for my sweatshop. 

Here’s what everything looks like “before”, including the little editing I did yesterday:

I need to fix that button, too…

This will be a lot less text

Meoww there needs to be a solution for the alignment of the items…

Meoww I can’t wait to see this develop itself 😀

To get started, I’ll get up, put some clothes on, brush my teeth, cook and “foam up” some milk for my chai latte, warm some of yesterday’s left overs and turn on my laptop. Tot later xxx


14:58 (02:58 PM) 

Seconds after I uploaded my 12:54 update, I received a bunch of automated messages about not being selected for the program I applied for, because I didn’t meet all requirements. The only requirement I didn’t meet, was the maximum amount of words in my motivation letter, which I exceeded, because my request to study wasn’t a usual one. 

Why do rejections always have to be so painful… Especially the message sent “on behalf of the programme director”, from the same student’s email address, gives me crazy palpitations and chest pains. I don’t ever want to be part of a selection process again. But I have no choice, currently. In my Volta, I stated that if my alternative education path is off the table, I’ll start applying for jobs again, to earn my acknowledgement and freedom the longer way (if I don’t end up committing suicide from the way I depend on external parties and they always work against me). 

If someone asks me if I’ve heard something yet, I’ll say no, because I fucking hate those words of pity, with an undertone that insinuates that that person didn’t want to see me succeed in the first place. 

I’ve never felt so insulted… The cover of Volta has a model used in econometrics on it, which is not even shit for beginners. And then they tell me that I don’t qualify x_x. (My model is incepted! The ß value resembles the y value of an underlying cross sectional data analysis model. For every topic, there’s a seperate cross sectional analysis, and the conclusions of those individual analyses, are put into one final cross sectional analysis, which is the Volta value.) On the page of the double bachelors program, they state that if the committee finds that you don’t qualify for the double bachelor, they might advice you to either study only econometrics or only economics. To me, they say that I can try to apply for the Dutch program. A Dutch degree is useless. My aspirations are international. I’m trying to earn my way the fuck out of this country. Is my English that bad? Ugh and then they wish me good luck. I’m wished good luck dying? It was my last fucking hope. I want my account there to be permanently deleted. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever follow another Dutch education program. 

I’ll stick to my Volta and start applying for jobs again. After I finish my websites, of course!! I hope some meows want me to write texts for them! I hope they’ll be things for which I need to read myself in on some serious scientific content. That could be an alternative to my alternative. I’ll never stop trying!! I guess… I need that fucking acknowledgement. In fucking English!!!  

The most shocking part, is the automated messages part. My request wasn’t a regular request. Why not go in to what I said? That it’s life or death, wasn’t a fucking joke. I wonder if the person in whose name the automated message was sent, knows about this. We could have been writing history. Now I’m back at ground zero. How the fuck else can I get my B back?  🙁 

Please use my forum… Pleaseeee x_x 


Blog, Media, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

01:48 (AM) 

Yay! I just received the e-mail 🙂 . Volta is accepted in all other stores as well! Within a few hours, it will be visible everywhere. Finally, a deadline on which I’m not still working on the text of the book and/or the cover on the day itself 😿. It’s so embarrassing to have such a life where random nonsense can take away my time and focus on my (unpaid) work. It doesn’t suit my true personality… That’s why I’m trying to earn my way out of it and away from it… 

Here are some links the book is available at already:

I’ve also signed up for publishing my works in the Royal Library, I’ve received a request for ♥. Hehe with my eyes on the future, I’ve also registered myself as a publisher of “proefschriften”. My publisher’s prefix is 829368! (Which is what you see in my ISBNs.)

Meoww I should eat something… One day, my releases will be real (wildly awesome) parties with my real supporters… 

I’ll be taking a short break from writing things here, until I have rested some more

I love you 


11:24 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I’ve slept very well and have managed to not throw up what I ate (moussaka, like yesterday), even though I felt like it. I hope my stomach will stop acting up soon 🙁 . 

This ASKfm question has made me crave for golden berries 😻. One of my grandmothers used to buy that for us very often. I never come across them when I’m doing grocery shopping. They seem hard to find, but I’ve ordered them last night 😻. I’m picking them up tomorrow! 😀 I crave for them so much now, I can barely wait… 

There’s another fruit I’m craving for now, which she used to buy for us as well, but I can’t remember its name… Unfortunately she doesn’t remember it either. Now that she has dementia, she doesn’t remember that she has had a very long phase in her life, in which she concerned herself with eating (the utmost) healthy. Maybe you can help me out with this… It’s an orange fruit with a crisp-ish skin, a thread-like inside texture and a large dark pit. It has an oval shape, is about the size of a plum and sheds color. When you bite off the skin – biting because cutting will not leave much fruit to eat behind, and it’s something you really don’t want to miss out on – you can eat its delicious inside, which has a one-of-a-kind taste. It vaguely reminds me of yellow Fernandes. Peeling off the skin will mess up your fingernails, because the fruit sheds color. Do you know what fruit I’m speaking of? Meoww we should really eat it 😻.

I guess I’ll go downstairs to eat breakfast and afterwards start to rinse off the three days of being unshowered… I feel so nasty that I barely dare to sit on furniture. I’ll also “uitgebreid” wash my afro and change my bed sheets. And make that page for my new book, of course… I’m not very motivated to, because my books never sell and its content is veryyyyy controversial. In it, I’m also dissing a lot of things that are popular and I explain why definitive distance will be very good for me. (As an example of how to rid oneself of negative emotions.) And why it’s not “running away from a problem” [which is just an overused dramatic sounding bullshit oneliner] but solving it. That’s why, this time, I can’t even recommend it to the people in my social circle. Not that they keep up with my blog and have read my other books… 


23:50 (11:50 PM) 

Meoww, the page for Volta is done – besides that the book is still not online in the Apple Store, so I’ll wait for that an extra day. I’m currently finishing up the new homepage, but I came here to mention that unfortunately, even though the book was done in time, while it was written very spontaneously, I still needed a lot of time to come up with marketing texts for my website, so I haven’t had much time to leave messages for you here. My brain is fried and slow from all of the writing! That’s what happens when doing all of a publisher’s work, by oneself. At least I’m still free in pushing through my vision 🙂 . May I find my Graeynissis soon… A handful of Graeynissis is equal to millions of people. I prefer intimacy and room for evolution 🙂 . 

I’m going to continue to finish this website and also add it to the D.O.C.I.S. International website. Ah meoww and put the sheets around my blanket etc. so that I can go to sleep, which I already feel like doing, but I want to feel the satisfaction of being done. (The pressure can be taken with a grain of salt, because I haven’t marketed this release (and don’t intend to). I want to do things differently, and I want to show that differently works, too, in the end. And that its merit is much greater.)

There are many thoughts I want to share with you right now, but I guess I’ll have to postpone that to tomorrow. I’ll continue to work on my self-given obligation. 

I love you 


Blog, Media, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

11:43 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I fell asleep, not long after I stopped writing you yesterday. Without eating dinner, I slept until the morning. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. Now I’ve eaten moussaka for breakfast. I was crazy hungry… I was all dizzy and stuff… My stomach indicates that I might be throwing up again later x_x. Ah whyy meoww 🙁 . 

Haha I used to listen to The Nausea by Tyga a lot when I was about 18. 

My paperback is live, I just saw in an email. I also noticed that someone has bought one of my books on Scribd, a while back, when I just checked my Smashwords account :)♥. I usually don’t look at my sales, because my amount of sales is always very little and that is very depressing. May Volta sell… I’ll make the page for the book, when I’ve received the confirmation of the book’s acceptance to the stores Smashwords distributes to. Then I have more than 3 links to include, haha. 

Volta is about improving life and I’m currently a sick and smelly bed pet, who’s not living life according to her purpose… That might seem like I don’t practice what I preach, but the book also explains what I need for my own Volta. I’m the example subject in the book. For a better state of my emotions, I need more distance. (Yeah the usual dramatic way is to say let’s work things out, but if things need to be worked out, that’s a sign that it just doesn’t fucking work and why pull a dead horse, if I don’t even want it…) And a new social circle… Which is also what I need to succeed in the accomplishment of my purpose. 

For distance, I need money to move. (Everyone knows that. For some reason, they want to keep me. I don’t fucking understand that.  We have nothing in common…) I hope Volta will assist me in this. For my purpose and new social circle, I need Graeynissis 😻. So may my alternative offer at the University be accepted, and may I be reunited with my B…

Meoow I haven’t showered in three days now, and I’m still wearing the same panties x_x. I’ll have to get up and make that page, at some point… If I hear about those other stores today… Otherwise, it might be tomorrow… Or the day after, haha x_x. Meoow I never want to get out of bed… Until I’ve found my Graeynissis. 

Omgg meoww I want to give a lecture about my book 😻. May Graeynissis enjoy my book… I know you want to live a different life 😀 . It’s so common, a book about it must be able to sell… For you, the most drastic change is feasible!!! Cat me please :D. (That doesn’t necessarily have to relate to that drastic change. When I think about being appreciated by Graeynissis, I sometimes just can’t control how much I want to cuddle you…)

But I don’t want to give away too much, so please read it :D.

Meoww there’s something that imcreases my tachycardia, I would like to share with you… I want to order my own copy, but I want to be able to move and be with my Graeynissis before the book is delivered. That’s February 1st, haha… It feels so wrong to bed pet in a house where everyone works. My petting might be hard to understand… Just like my personal Volta. I want to have my copy delivered at my own house. I literally mean me owning a house, which is currently not the case. I’m just so tired of being given advice about the basics of life. The reason why I don’t conform to it is not because I don’t understand it. It’s because I find it sooooo fucking dumb. I don’t want to hear it anymore. And I don’t want to hear my odd actions turn into gossip every time. Sure, I don’t give a fuck if it does, in general. I’d just rather not have to look that person in the eyes ever again. Meoow I can’t wait for this distance. And giving people money to stop contacting me? I want to focus on my purpose, which is overthrowing the system…


22:55 (10:55 PM) 

The fact that I can’t hold in any food, while dealing with the heaviest stomach ache and loss of muscle strength, and can’t get proper medical assistance in this country, is the icing on the cake. If I die, the chances of this planet lasting are absolutely fucking zero. Remember each fucking party involved. 

I need a friend with whom I can discuss the practical side of my endeavor. Someone who concerns him or herself with the same thing, and also wants to take action. With emphasis on taking action. Not only because I’m tired of meaningless conversations.  The environmental clock is ticking… Ice forms itself during the Winter and melts during the Summer. Sort of… I’m indirectly speaking of when risk is the greatest. I sound like a broken record… But at least no one can say that I didn’t mention it. At least the water then won’t be that cold. Of course, there has been fucked around with nature so much that every season is a risk. 

The feelings I’m stuck in are finite. I can’t be in this same situation next year… Hmm… I said the same thing in 2017. Besides no active psychiatric surveillance, not much has changed since then. I could make myself a little more comfortable by earning some, but all I have a qualification for is a superficial routine that includes following a script and interacting with shallow beings, which – speaking from experience – feeds my thoughts of suicide. I’ll let the response period of six weeks, which must now be about four, decide over that as well. My admission decides over more than my success. I can survive under no other circumstances. Not only because of the emotional pain that relates to the way my intelligence is unacknowledged. 

Volta is a book that really can’t be judged by its cover. It also can’t be judged by its excerpt. Only when the questions and suggestions, spread over the main chapters, are analyzed, everything will fit together in a suggested path. That’s what’s judgable. 

Meoww I really hope it will be appreciated and that it will be good for my network and endeavor. In that way, I can finally live a happy life, by, instead of being forced to go home at some point, moving to a personal place where I can really be all alone if I want to. 

I haven’t received that e-mail yet. I’m not on the priority list, because I hadn’t filled out my release date x_x. So if I’ll make the 30th, for my on-(web)site promotion, is not certain. Uncertain, as in I might not be able to market that on the day itself. 

My book is way “underpriced”, by the way, since I’m giving you a new (perspective on) life, from which you’ll benefit, for $3.77 (or $7.77, if you buy the paperback). But I find it more important that it’s read. And it’s an indirect way of attempting to increase paperback sales. The price of the paperback is the usual ebook price. Is that too cheap for a Graeyniss? Because that’s not what I want… High demands might influence my pricing policy? It’s still exclusive knowledge… I haven’t shared my exact method on this website ever. 

Haha I secretly hope Volta will cause some Volta related cause to not have to go to that party coming Saturday, where I don’t know most of the attendants and my family is going, too. I’m here to not have to face my father. And now “here” is organizing a party where he is, of coursee, invited to as well. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to explain why I’m not going. I also don’t want to lay in bed instead of going there. I want to be giving a lecture about my book or something… Being a good kid earning some money. Finally having real fun. Not being a reason for complaints, while having so many fucking reasons to complain. I know you want to know everything about this mysterious Fangs 😀 . 

The thought of time just working itself to that moment, and having no [money to buy a house and say no I’m not going] way to escape the misunderstanding that comes with not going, so if nothing happens, I’ll be going, gives me shortness of breath. I always act very yay about social gatherings, but most often, that’s just my façade talking. 

I need to catch some fresh air… (Haha let’s go to Germany.) I’ll be doing that tomorrow, I guess… Sucks that I’m still quite unfamiliar with the quiet areas here. And that if I go outside, just to breathe, I have no one looking out for me in case I collapse, and I also can’t pee when I need to. If those things – and food, even though I can go days without food – weren’t factors, I could be outside all day. 

May the expression of worry change into expressions of certainty, success and happiness soon. 


Audio, Blog, Media, Popular Posts

Sample Demo

“Sample Heaven” was what I called this at first. It was my objective (on January 3rd) to make an audio file in one day, which gives an impression of what “my sound” would sound like. This MP3 file is made with the lite version of Propellerhead’s Reason.

As you might be able to hear, the limited amount of “music layers” which can be added in one file, because it’s composed with a lite version, made me get tired of the loops I put together, quite fast, so variations follow relatively fast after each other. Unfortunately, my patience and budget leave us with this. To make “Sample Heaven”, I’ll need the assistance of a producer. This is a very quick impression of the style of music I would like to make in the future – among other things. So here’s “Sample Demo”:

Blog, Images, Media

My trip to the U.S. in retrospect

Looking back at what I’ve written in the helpful – when it comes to being away from flehs – but hard – because of financial reasons – time, I see that I haven’t posted enough photo evidence, so:
May 23

Just like right now, my hotel was located in a business district

One of the best take out ever. I don’t have that notebook anymore. It was in the bag that was stolen after I came back to the Netherlands. I bought it in Paris.

In the diary post, I mentioned these clothes, I believe

May 25


I’ve taken waaay more pictures, when I was in the museum, but I’ll show you a few


Planes like that still fly, don’t they?

Listening to people below NAP

Microwave pizza [not recommended]

May 26

The day I went from Baltimore to Miami

In Miami. Awesome car upgrade. I rented it for transportation from the airport to the hotel and some grocery shopping. I had it for only three days. My second time driving an automated car [deep down, I was quite nervous for this ahahahaha. But nothing happened and I still kept my rebellious habit of driving past the speed limit…]

May 27

At the motel where I had a rental

May 28

“Caribe Cafe”. It tasted like home.

May 29

I released it there. When I came back to the Netherlands and started to work for 40 hours per week, I unpublished it. I later republished the original text, in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I.

May 30

Struggling with a broken back wheel

June 1

A combination of flavours I’d never tasted before

I didn’t really have a reason to smile or anything, then, so I don’t have many pictures. This was very close to the hotel I recorded the episode 2 video in, which you can still see on this site.

Meow :[. That’s my heartache face.

June 2

About that episode 2 video

June 3

I took this for the lights in the sky

Wonder what it is…

June 4

After this fleh trapped me in a financial construction that suddenly made me go home, I was able to live muuuch more comfortable.

Right before my battery died, I still thought: “Damn. I need to take this picture…” I was on my way back from grocery shopping.

Cuddliest pasta I’ve ever made

Date idea¿

June 5

I have full days of videos, too. They used to be online, but I can’t act fake popular if all of my videos have 0 views, so I unpublished them from Youtube

Trippy way to dry panties, because of the extreme panties shortage in my last days in the US hahahaha

Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

10:59 (AM)

Good morning 😀

Have you, my reader, thought of what path you’d like to follow? That of the Practitioner, that of the Illuminatus, or that of the Illuminatus Intelligens?

I’ve been thinking of making my entire blog password protected and allowing real Cuddles to make an account for login. Then, and only then, for avoiding spam reasons, having a forum would be nice.

Just the thought of judgmental snakes acting as if they don’t know this side of me [Because, yes, to avoid “feedback”, I don’t tell anyone about this. I do NOT want negative feedback on being able to express myself the way I do. If you don’t like it, then just NEVER look at this website!! Make one yourself!!!], but sometimes open my pages to laugh and criticize it, makes me want to move. I can see it in the eyes of some.

Everyone here I haven’t met yet practically already knows my name and some very random personal things about me, but everyone acts “brand new”. Every time. You know that I have been “missing”, don’t you? If so, please tell me what lie you have been taught to hide? You know that’s illegal, right, if that has been told to you by the government? “Privacy”, if everyone has already seen something they’re not supposed to see, doesn’t mean that you should not tell me what everyone has been told. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW TOOOO!!!! I’m the fucking only one who doesn’t know, because the laws of privacy are misunderstood by so many…. “Privacy” means that you shouldn’t have known in the first place. It didn’t have to be “mass-deleted”, now that everyone already knew. My side of the story was never heard. The fabrication was stated as a fact. The message didn’t say that I didn’t want to be found, I didn’t want to be interrogated and I begged to not be sent home. When they asked me who I did want to see, I said “Benoît”. We had made arrangements to meet up again, a few weeks earlier, but my parents didn’t allow me to go. I was devastated from that (because I am in love with him). We are/were just friends, though… 

The cops still called my parents to come and pick me up. This was against my wishes. They had already put me in an isolation cell, to allow me to sleep a little, but while trying to sleep, several interrogarors have walked in and out on me (plus I was too tall to sleep in the cell). I hadn’t slept and had a proper meal in 3 days. I was found by cops from a different city and driven to the police station in my neighborhood, in the afternoon. I got home very late in the evening. 

Even people who I only know from “facial recognition”, suddenly started their conversations with: “I know you’ve had a hard time, mentally…” 


If you only knew how this has negatively influenced our future! Yes, ours, for I’m one of the few people who doesn’t work for the money, but for the accomplishments. I’m trying to make a change!

Cuddle me :[ (only if you’re Cuddle…)

Here’s an analog test to see if you’re Cuddle

  1. When you’re reading this website, are you looking for verification or falsfication?
  2. Is your “soft side” and need for mutual love greater than you show others, due to a difference in character, sometimes?
  3. Would you like to become one of my new close friends and engage in my projects?

If your answers are “verification” (because in my friendships I seek mutual judgment), “yes” [I describe a “deficit of love”] and “yes :D”, you’re Cuddle!

I’m thinking of making a new selection of my pictures from Paris. I have better ones… I have decided to just block everyone who is unnecessary corrective about my material, out of my life :D. It will just be you and me, my Cuddle… 

Haha toch maar geen cardigan voor mn logo? :p

The purple and grey resemble us <3

Shout out to the 881 people reading my post of yesterday <3. Haha I see how much the average didn’t represent my actual traffic.

I might not get to changing my album, for I have a lot of mathematics to do, still… I got to unit 3 yesterday…

13:35 (01:35 PM)

00:17 (AM)  I received two messages from the government. I have to pay back a part of my study financing…

I still want to graduate in (OR BEFORE) 2021.

Dus wat wanneer er zo veel mensen hun studieschuld moeten terugbetalen en ze dit gedaan moeten hebben om het recht mogen hebben te emigreren (voor “””””””de tweede watersnoodramp”””””””””””””” [Hoe veel ” teveel? Lees gewoon niet als je je irriteert aan mijn interpunctie. Ik zeg “tweede” maar eigenlijk, als je naar de lange termijn kijkt, is het “de zoveelste”])?

Ik. Wil. Graag. Verhuizen. Naar. Een. Land. Dat. De. Beginnende. Jonge. Onderneemster/Ondernemer (“man eerst?”). Beter. Beschermt.

Ik heb geen recht op research subsidies? Ik doe onafhankelijk onderzoek…

Soms worden mensen opgesloten omdat ze boetes hebben.

I’m scared to see how “high the deficit is”.

13:50 (01:50 PM)

While listening to the 11th Sky, I’ll be making mathematics exercises *peace sign*. Enjoy the rest of your time while I sometimes leave a message for you on :]. I post updates ve-ry frequently.

14:03 (02:03 PM)

I still had to turn on my laptop etc to look for the exercise files.

14 year old me?

Should I get a perm and clip-ins a g a i n¿

But then get more loose curls?

Instead of a wig? Or sometimes wear a wig? Sometimes not even wear clip-ins? The perm…?

I felt more comfortable about the way I looked, then…

But I do not have money for that :D.

Ik moet mijn schuld terugbetalen. Dat betekent sparen :D. Het is ook eens “bijna December!” En bijna Sinterklaas! En dan die “eind van het jaar rekening” en kutweer :D. Nog meer sparen (+ inflatie)? 


14:44 (02:44 PM)

With what I earn from my book, I would like to fund and be part of a Council. The council puts plans against societal problems into practice, such as ways to end famine. I have made designs for benefit boxes you could purchase as a gift (for someone else of your choice [charity? Give it away to someone else in a different country who lives in an area where there’s less access to basic needs. Track your package!!!! [I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS. TO SHOW YOU I WILL NOT SPEND IT ON MYSELF. FUCK EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO CLAIM THAT I AM A BAD PERSON. (IF YOU’RE HERE TO DO THAT: DO NOT COMPARE ME TO YOURSELF. IK BEN NIET VAN PLAN VOOR DE REST VAN MIJN LEVEN MIJN VRIJE TIJD “VOOR DE TV” TE SPENDEREN. DA’S FUCKING NUTTELOOS! Ik onderneem liever graag echte stappen, in plaats van er alleen maar over te praten. Mensen lullen zoooo veeeeeeel, maar doen heeeeeelemaal NIKS.)] I’m definitely getting my Council members one (safety¿)] and/or for yourself)).

There’s an election for positions within this council during The Benefit. You can run for council member by signing up. Stay tuned :D.

16:41 (04:41 PM)

Everyone who PARTICIPATES gets a lifetime seat in the D.O.C.I.S. International Council.

Practitioners are think tank members and Nosce Te Ipsum participants.

Illuminati [do not mistake me for some stigmatized image [then really please just don’t read my “blog”]. I chose this name as a derivation of the Latin words for “having been illuminated” etc.] are people who, through participation in Nosce Te Ipsum become think tank members and, by writing a thesis from this project, become specialist strategists for D.O.C.I.S. International, in a field of their preference. [Law? Economics? Linguistics? The list goes on…]

Illuminati Intelligentes are participants in project Nosce Te Ipsum and specialist strategists in all fields, because throughout the project, they write a thesis on all fields in which D.O.C.I.S. International intends to operate. 

The Council does not affect the lives of those who don’t want to cooperate with D.O.C.I.S. International, due to differing viewpoints. It is fully independent. 

Is there a weather station that influences the weather? What are all the building sized “fans” throughout this country for, exactly? Warme lucht stijgt…

18:13 (06:13 PM) 

What do you think of my new Paris album?

Haha no comments ;]. I hope you’ll sign up, my Cuddle! Now back to mathematics… 

Haha remember this? 

I deleted that one too. It had 5 songs. Now this is all that is visible. Hopefully one day I’ll upload a new version with better (voice) audio.

I learnt a different notation method in high school¿

19:13 (07:13 PM) 

Only long red peppers as a change-up of what I made yesterday. I also added some white wine.

19:47 (07:47 PM)

I need to do the dishes? I need to move, mann. By cooking for 1 (or 2, my cuddle…¿) there’s a lot less dirty dishes that mostly aren’t even mine. This used to make me wish I was born into a white family sometimes. There it’s often just: “Je hebt toetsen. Kopje thee?” 

Of course this isn’t exactly a racial issue. 

But another reason for me wanting to be white, when I was younger, was to not hear: “HEEY JE LIJKT EEN BEETJE OP ZWARTE PIET!” 

The Surinamese generational anecdote is [some say]: “From a young age, you should learn how to do the houskeeping. Then, when you’re an adult, you’ll know how to do it.” I used to iron A LOTTTTT when I was 10! It’s nice to have children, then, when you’re an adult! I am not really working towards having children and being that type of parent (ever…?).

Heeeey tomorrow is Prinsjesdag! I’ll be tuning in, for sure! You too!??? [Haha I’ll be studying ;). But I wonder what next year’s national financial plans are / prediction is…]

What’s more intensive: making mathematics exercises all day, or being in a building all day, doing things you have been doing for decades, while just randomly walking to people’s desks to talk about random shit [I do not enjoy small talk]? 

I’ll of course not say no. Even though I really want to. I’ll move. Just wait :]. [Haha financieel aan de grond gehouden worden omdat men je niet kwijt wil? Maar ik wil weg??]

00:22 (AM) 

Units 10 to 12 left for tomorrow. I’ll have to start packing… What to pack…? [Haha saaave meeeeeeee. I would pack so differently if you would…]

My Cuddle, I’ll elaborate on a solution to a very naggy social problem of mine. Please keep an eye out for that.

I live for you

Is Cuddle for “I love you”

Good night, MY CUDDLE


[My Nintendo Switch suddenly doesn’t connect to the internet, while the password is saved… I remember, when I was younger, certain web addresses being blocked, such as that of MSN, for coming home “late”…. (But doesn’t a measure like that make me want to get the fuck out of here even more?) I just wanted to relax a little, before going to bed, since I’ve been doing Maths all fucking day…]

Blog, Images, Media, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Videos

Friday, September 14, 2018


11:13 (AM) 

Good morning, my Cuddle <3

I hope you’re just as pre-excited for the Nosce Te Ipsum release as I am :]. I like how I’ve extended the quest and (engagement) information about my (business) projects. 

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into agreeing with paying half of the £2.928,- tuition fee and my father paying the other half… That would be the entire “uitzet” I’ve been saving up for… I’d rather die than go back to sitting behind a desk most of my time, doing routinous work that is so easy for me I become so bored so fast, and the level of conversation being on that same level… I want to make my living by using my creative talents, so school was more for “you need to get out of the house and have something to do” and “in case my success is limited” reasons… 

I still need to print new business cards… And I’d like to do a professional photoshoot… And make new logos (my Cuddle)…………… (Or at least, I’d like to have the designs I could draw on paper for you, as my logos… I’m not so good at “finding the balance between dpi, background transparency and retina”…)

But making this known to the person paying the other half could have very negative consequences… (I’m aware of them reading these words too and then not saying anything about it, though.) Please be aware of how this can disrupt what I’ve been creating for you. They unfortunately have more authority over me, in this case… [Do not make children if you do not intend to pay for the basic funding of their future, please………. I didn’t sign up for this? They signed me up…. (If it was planned, says November… As a relationship gift……??? (Is what I have been told…)) Yepp my 22nd birthday is on November 1st. I hope I can celebrate this with my Cuddles :D.]

I guess, by declining the rest of my study, I’ll HAVE TO move, to prevent myself from being taken into an institution again… 

If I invest in a place to stay, that must be a place I intend to stay at for longer than a year. I want to, before the island Planet Fang [you’re moving, too, right??] comes into existence, live somewhere in California. 

Part of me has become so tired of chilling inside and similar chillings in public places… Sometimes I think “let’s get it over with” and blurt out my heartache for still not recently having seen Benoît like I want to. [See what I did there? ;)] That would set in motion a chain reaction of legal and medical measures I do not want, but don’t have the authority to say no to. It’s financially and audience related strategically more advantageous… 

I haven’t seen him since the last time we hung out in his office, talking about some of my business plans and other stuff. (I have proof of this.) We planned to hang out another time, but by that time I was stuck in the psychiatric system, for “the experts” say I have never seen him; I am a dropout (again¿), so he wouldn’t want to hang out with me; this has nothing to do with brain-to-brain communication, were one of the lies of my beliefs I had to tell them to get out. What I’ve often said in rage, was: WELL, IF YOU’RE SO SURE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST INVITE HIM OVER???? OR ALLOW ME TO INVITE HIM OVER? THIS IS NOT PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH. THIS IS GUESSWORK!!! I DON’T THINK HE WOULD MIND, ESPECIALLY NOT IF HE WOULD BE INFORMED ABOUT ME HAVING TO TAKE LORAZEPAM, FLUANXOL, HALDOL, RISPERIDON, ARIPIPRAZOL ET CETERA FOR TELLING MY PARENTS THAT I INTEND TO SPEND SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE TIME WITH HIM. HEY WAAROM ZO HARDNEKKIG? HET IS TOCH NIET ZO ERG DAT IK MET HEM WIL SAMENWERKEN?? 

Oh my god, every conversation they would ask me questions about him and then say: “I don’t understand why you believe this all happend. You’re clearly mentally ill and you should accept our diagnosis.” (I FUCKING NEVER DID. I ONLY TOOK THOSE MEDS I AM SOOOO INTOLERANT OF (at some point I started to fake it) BECAUSE ONLY UNDER THAT CONDITION THEY WOULD LET ME OUT OF THE INSTITUTION I WAS IN “ON A VOLUNTARY BASIS”. I WAS TOO BROKE THEN TO LEGALLY POINT OUT THAT WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING IS SO AGAINST THE LAW. (This started IN APRIL 2017.) 


He lend me the books A Curious Mind and Economix (in French). I’d shown them this. [WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BUY A BOOK IN FRENCH????? They didn’t believe it was his…] I returned them around February 2018, hoping to find him in his office, but he wasn’t there and I felt so awkward about being in that hallway that I left them in his mailbox, together with a print-out of a part of the Nosce Te Ipsum strategy, with the contract… This is so random, but we used to mail back and forth and hang out, and suddenly he’s not responding to my e-mails anymore? :[ 

Ah grrr, it would be so satisfying to show these un-cuddle flehs that he really is my Cuddle (in terms of being friends/acquaintances)….

I could “blow up” the court case that could thrive if they find that I’m crossing the line again and use that TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY and kick-start my career (was what was my intention the last time I went to the US). 

My first words will be: “I WILL NOT BE SPEAKING TO ANYONE WITHOUT MY LAWYER.” [My Cuddle…? ;)] I will do most of the defending myself. Ah prr having this one Cuddle who managed to complete his Law study in my lucky number amount of years, who could then also say “FUCK THAT” to being stuck in some very shady sounding system and being way too close to the fire (of water and many small roads), because what are escape plans if you’d be framed, as my lawyer would be soooo Cuddle!! <3 

Did you know I collect Tallnissis? They’re so hard to find… I’m 174 cm = 5 feet & 8.5 inches. That’s one of the many reasons why I need my B, too :[. Hehe I want to feel all wrapped in love and safety when we cuddle. 

I want to see my medical record, before I let the lies be wiped out, but I guess, since the psychiatric staff of “het Erasmus Medisch Centrum” and Bavo Europoort [“and the trans-culturele therapie van Glenn Helberg”, IF THEY DON’T TAKE MY PARENTS OUT OF MY FILES RIGHT THIS INSTANT] (FUCK ALL OF THEM [dit gaat via zoekwoorden, toch? ;)] ) DON’T EVEN WANT TO SHOW ME WHAT THEY’VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ME [they tell me “we’re too busy”, while I’ve literally seen staff members PLAY FUCKING RUNESCAPE…], I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO DO THAT????? Since, according to the Patriot Act, the U.S. government is allowed to view Dutch medical records…… [BUT I HAVE SOME OF THEIR SUMMARIES HERE, PRINTED OUT WITH NAMES AND ALL ;).]



Don’t forget the “You have only met him in private twice. You can’t possibly have real feelings for him.” I STILL WANT TO FUCKING FANG THAT PERSON. I’m now afraid of saying it :[.

My Cuddle, I’m afraid my case is so dangerous to a very fraudulent regime, I need many forms of protection. I need a small army of hackers to defend my online capital, for starters… 

[Notice the build-up in the coming release of Nosce Te Ipsum and what I tell you in my diary? This is more than planned. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, my Cuddle…]

An awkward “classic”:

17:27 (05:27 PM) 

Zzzzz spierpijn?

I just put my semi-selfmade croissants in the oven. That will be my first food of the day.

Because the question started with: “Are you okay? You’re in bed all day. You probably don’t want to go, but…” I’m going to my cousin’s singing performance in a cocktail bar tonight. It’s also to safeguard my state of mental sanity, because last time shit went wrong, in the sense that my mother(?) found that I was going crazy for being less outgoing, she started with pointing out everything “weird about me” as well. She is not able to understand my writing, SO FUCK IT :D. HER “ENCOURAGING WORDS” WERE “I HOPE YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOUR WRITING”. I GUESS 1000+ HITS A DAY MEANS I DID? SORRY DAT IK HAAR GELOOFDE, PA :D. SCHEID EN VERHUIS MEE¿ I think my business will reach its multi-component state before yours will…? 

I’m completely left in the dark when it comes to knowing who to trust based on their role relating to what side of the regime they support. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who will not hurt me. So I stay in bed :D. Until I find my Cuddles in real life… 

My top-level Graeynissis. You know how some people act all ambitious around you, right? They want the status. They lack passion. The market for my products is so fucking miniscule, when it comes to people of my age….. The only people I easily meet these days are people of my age… The only people I generally don’t have a-ny-thing in common with are people of my age… And from my looks I will be marked as “wild cuddle cat”, so we’re prohibited to/from(?) cuddle/cuddling :[.

So let’s just be Cuddles, right, my Graeyniss? Fuck it :D. Life is too short to be caged in!! Don’t be scared, my Cuddlebird! You’ll be safe! You’re the reason why I’m doing it this way. Our mission for world peace can’t be sabotaged, because the not digitally distributed underlying strategy that I have indirectly been telling you through these posts, will not be understood through these posts by people with bad intentions for us, because digging for shit here is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack :D. 

19:39 (07:39 PM) 

Muscle stiffness, possible sudden death (my “mandatorily made” choice from a list) and other shit from medication?

Not anymore :D. April 2018 I ran away, because I had to do a mandatory blood test. The day after I was supposed to do the test, I ran off to Paris. The day after I came back from Paris (April 27, Koningsdag), with my sister and parents I went to Suriname for three weeks. Two days after being back, I ran off to the United States and FINANCIALLY managed to live there for two weeks :D… (ONLY THERE THE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO “UNNOTICED” BEING TAKEN IN FOR RUNNING AWAY AND NOT TAKING MEDICATION IF YOU HAVE BEEN LABELED AS “MENTALLY ILL”, BECAUSE OF CLOSED BORDERS VS OPEN BORDERS IN EUROPE). THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE ME IN BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN THE COUNTRY ON WORKDAYS. 





She told me it started somewhere in between 22:30 – 23:30?

It would be so much fun to see you there…… 

I will not be putting this on Instagram :D. What’s the point??? 

I only want justice for myself (and my Cuddle(s))?


I’LL INSTA NOT LIVESTREAM(?) FILM AT THE “CONCERT”? (Because of the 0 views ba-dum-tss….)

Has anyone seen my B?  :[

22:44 (10:44 PM)

I’m on my way to George’s Cocktail lounge? 

I decided on after marketing. 

You know that moment when you’re so fucked up you just…

That was “sarcasm”… A “pee pole” across the town hall is pretty “barbarian”… I want to moveee 😀

23:48 (11:48 PM) 

I think it’s too awkward to film…? I thought there was going to be a crowd ahahahah. 

My Cuddle, this is a secrettt. So what’s the legal part of this “underground decision”…? We’re trying to improve our system so that these kind of things don’t have to happen, rightt? 

Haha my examssss. 

I’ll still log?? 

00:19 (AM) 

I thought maybe I should show you some “highlights”, but the lighting is too awkward :D. And so is my data usage!! And my battery too…. 

Haha my level of randomness is going up, luckily (that’s a good thing). Yours should, too, my Cuddle! We should free ourselves from what we feel when FUCKING JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE CONSTANTLY FUCKING KEEEP THEIR EYES ON YOUR SHIT SOOOOOO FOCUSED IT MAKES ME WANT TO SAY “HEB JE NIKS TE DOEN OFZO?????”. OF KOM MET EEN ONDERWERP DAT INHOUD HEEFT. HOE DURF JE HIERVOOR MIJN AANDACHT TE VRAGEN????

Shout out to my piano/keyboard players all over the world whoop whoooop!!

I’m not even drunk yet :D. But I reached the level “I should not sing harder, otherwise you won’t be heard!” What an accomplishment :D. 

The other female singer here is so Cuddle :D. Lately I’ve been meeting so many people, I’m starting to become “bad with names”…

I think I’ll be breaking the sound borders soon :D. Since “my example” HAHA NAHHHH DON’T GET ME STARTED fammmmmm has given me this example :p. 

[I didn’t like how potentially hurtful relatives were gazing at my phone screen as I was writing, so that’s why my messages were written in a form of code only you understand, my Cuddle.]

03:03 (AM) 


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