Ready… This morning my first proposal for academic acknowledgement will be handed over. I will go down on one knee and say: “Will you cherish this rough diamond and be my Graeyniss?” Just kidding. By means of proposing, I will give a short explanation and regardless of interest I will not go home with the proposal of 50+ pages I have written for all of my professors.
The last couple of days have been full with working on my proposal, taking care of houesehold stuff (and getting my bike repaired), planning my birthday, re-braiding my hair and a three-day trip to the Netherlands.
“Ready to Propose”
I got the idea for this proposal during my first lecture Informatiesystemen on *date*. On *date* I, after a while of reasoning it out, started writing it (better said “making the structure and inserting the essays and my resumé that are my appendices).
The Pressure Behind it
The printer I have in my apartment does not have cardridges in it yet, and I reallyyy want to start handing my proposal out from my first lecture at 08:30 today onwards. I will explain that I would like to publish a new book of which the content should be representable for at least a bachelor economist. That I hope that my professors will acknowledge this (and don’t have to live the dreadful life of a regular student anymore, with the uncommon background of a publisher I have).
Especially because I have no connection with my fellow students at all (except the handful of students I talk to every now and then and the maths student I have invited to my party, but other than that I am alone alllll of the time it’s depressing (but rather alone than hanging with people I don’t feel a connection with though. Who else is actively working on a revolutionary strategy?)), I hope that what I state in my proposal can become reality. If they decline my proposal… I will be bound to three years of not having time for my business, while my depression is getting worse. It will be very hard for me if they say no.
As a student, I am so alone that it’s hard for me to attend classes. With the proposal to hand out I have the feeling that being present is really useful
If they say yes, I might just get my business off the ground properly.
With the state of my proposal, I should postpone handing it out with one day… But for structure and impatience’s sake I really cannot wait any longer. Ik wil echt heel graag weten waar ik aan toe ben. Will I be happily challenged or will I be depressed?
The state of me proposal…
The State of my Proposal
Last Friday I went to the Netherlands for my mother’s birthday dinner. And after my last time there, for efficiency’s sake, I chose to stay until Sunday, so that I didn’t have to rush for the train after (or during) dinner and could re-braid my hair which had gone frizzy.
I finished braiding my hair at 7 PM on Sunday. (And started loosening my previous braids after dinner on Friday.) My last direct train left at 22:10 (10:10 PM) and I had one chapter to finish and a new chapter to write, still. I printed this proposal at 21:45 (09:45 PM), to make it just in time for the last non-direct train that left at 22:14.
To go somewhere to print out a report of 49 pages, before my lecture starts at 08:45 AM, is not possible for me. And with these feelings of academic despair I really can’t postpone asking this any longer. So I had to get creative, hoping that my proposal won’t be denied just for the way I handed it in. (This is not the Netherlands, so I consider the chance a little higher that it will not be declined because of that reason.)
In the train, I realized that I forgot to write the summary.
I don’t have a hole puncher here, so…
I’m hungry and usually don’t really have time for dinner in the morning, though tired, so I’m making pourridge now.
After eating a little of it and refrigerating the rest for tomorrow, I’m going to bed.
Wish me luck for later…
Love you ♥
– xxx –
03:22 (AM) [GMT +2]
Back to the Drawing Board 🙁
I couldn’t even hand the thing over. I said that I’m an author and owner of a little publishing company, wanting to work on a new project representable for a bachelor economist, for which academic acknowledgement is required. After that I wanted to show him the 2 sections relevant for him to see. Namely the table row with the 3 research questions relevant for his subject and the paragraph in which those questions are explained.
But even before I could show it, he said: “No, I don’t do that.” It might have seemed like I wanted him to read a long book, though in reality it’s just a chapter of the entire book I need the perspective of any professor on. But after this “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no, further explaining is a waste of time. Going from a “no” to a “yes” in a proposal for cooperation is working together in a completely spoiled mood anyway. It was my intention to hand it over to let the receiver think it over for a week, saying: “Even if you decide to throw it in the trash, this proposal is yours. I don’t want to keep it.” But no is no, so I just said “okay” and left. I don’t understand society at all man why does everyone want to be so stagnate.
Furthermore I was bored out of my mind at the lecture again. I could spend that time far more efficiently studying at home and working on my new book then without the approval of “someone from the field”. (My fucking target audience. x_x ) I need to restrategize man suicidal thoughts are resurfacing and being in that crowd makes it worse. Though I’ll be attending English class (because I’ll be giving a presentation on November 18 and she might say something relevant and skipping more than 20% of classes would mean a lower final grade, and I want an A+, so…) at 4 today.
I’ll show you the full proposal later today. Hmmm in what other way could I carry out my mission. And who wants to burn the proposal with me? I need to get this fucking thing out of my sight. 🙁
With this awful feeling of wanting to cry but rather wanting to smash something, but not doing anything because why would I be weak, I’ll be doing the dishes and going to the ugh facility management who has a key to my apartment and uses “je ziet maar” en “wanneer wil je omkomen” in e-mails my god. 🙁
11:25 (AM) [GMT +2]
Lil Heartbreak 33.0
Here’s the proposal. Yes I know it’s a mess but at least please look at it. 🙁 What I wrote by pen is typed out in handwriting font (I still have the draft here in my notebook).Alternatieve Academische Erkenning
I think an alternative route to success could be traditionally (regular marketing, e-books and hardcovers everywhere) publishing SchizoFangia (with a photo shoot of me in a strait jacket) and a Wikipedia page…
But I should take a moment to breathe and orient myself because my feelings of depression and rage are influencing my thinking a lot. I want to say so much but I know I might regret that later. Saying that it was a “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no is something I already regret, because I don’t know if that was the reason, because I just walked away. Though from the little sigh with eye rolling type of pronunciation, I must say that it feels like a “Ah I have experience with students writing things and they always make so many mistakes that in the end it will feel like I’d have written the entire book by myself and I don’t even get compensated for it.” That was what pushed my buttons, because with me you basically only have to say “Yes” or globally express what you don’t like, and I do the rest myself. Plus I wanted to split the revenue with those who support me.
Fuck this though I’m depressed enough already. If I hear this from all of my professors I will have jumped off this apartment building by the end of the week. So the entire proposal is off the table now. Plus honestly I think my previous work is post-doctoral enough already.
I’m going to get these washing machine jetons, go past the university bookstore to ask why I – after more than two weeks – have not received a notification that the books I ordered have been delivered and attend English class. 🙁 I’ll FangChatdiarypost you after that. ♥ (Unless I pass out from fatigue. Keep an eye on my Twitter please.)
15:05 (03:05 PM) [GMT +2]
Before I further dive in to how much I am disappointed in life and causality, let me start with a different topic…
About a week ago I sent my (digital) birthday invitations. I sent (including my mother contacting friends of the family of whom I don’t have a phone number) about 70 invitations. The last time I did this was when I turned 19. About the same people are invited. In the invitation I said that because of the amount of people invited… Ah let me show you the invitation. 🙂 It’s another essay ahahahhaahaha 🙁 .
30 people or so have confirmed their attendance. Most people have told me that they already have plans for that day. (That could mean so many things… But I’d rather not think about that.)
We’re going to have some fun. 🙂 Will you be attending as well? Ha if I’d get a penny for every time someone reading my blog ignored that. If you’re Graey you’re so welcome. 🙂 Putting my info here out in the open might not be that convenient when it comes to the risk of a Project X, but it’s not the first time I share my location etc. so…
On November 1st I have plans of laying in bed with the sheets over my head and not opening the blinds and not wearing clothes all day. 🙂
Another type of planning I will have to do certainly now that I went down on one knee and heard “no”, is study planning.
Today I finally got the remainder of books that was not present at the university store when I bought them, so I can start catching up without the feeling that something is missing. (Though it turns out that for accounting and sociology books that are not sold by the university store are required for the course. It is referred to all the time. I’ll have to magician €200 or so to buy them.)
If I can keep my eyes open after preparing tomorrow’s mathematics practicum, I’ll start on that today. Otherwise it will be tomorrow, but I’d rather start studying tomorrow… My weekend starts from tomorrow onward. 🙂 Study weekend… I will be pacinggg… Doing a chapter per day or something… (And should reallyyy cut down on trips to the Netherlands yooo.)
Only a bunch of straight (grrr fuck you 🙁 (es adjective) ) A’s will get me past my shattered heart and the feeling of academic worth. I want to do this shit cum laude with trashy attendance rates. Honestly I think grade punishments for low attendance rates aren’t the way to go… Ah just like in English class today, we had a discussion and I learnt that most people, including me, would rather see tuition rates stay the same than university education become free with a 1% lifetime graduate tax. (And I didn’t even play the immigration card… I just (elaborately) mentioned the government’s debt deficit, unemployment, drop-outs and overcrowded lecture halls for contra arguments.)
My study planner will include moments to work on my new book. 🙂
I really wonder why the universe has put me on this path. I wonder when the hope shattering pain stops. It has to end at some point – as in I can’t become successful without cooperation and all I hear is “nooo” – I think? My fate is not to commit suicide, right? Sometimes I really just don’t know. Look at this diary and how much I struggle to get my message across.
I’m also so lonely here, while I don’t think that I’m an unbearable person to be around? I don’t understand. (Though in a way I do understand because my complex formulation – while I still always try to keep things simple – are tiring to hear at some point, I guess. Sometimes I get tired from my own thoughts. Sometimes or always, hmmm… 🙁 But there must be someone with whom I can declutter my thoughts, whose thoughts I can declutter. You know how highly intelligent people often convince themselves of things that are incorrect because they’re trying too hard to fit in… I miss this person so much that it makes me feel empty. I think Tishe is hoogbegaafd? (And I think I can sense when someone is.)
My laundry will be dried in a few…
I must go, my love.
Love youuu 😸 ♥
– xxx –
22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT +2]