Nederlandse Tekst

Blog, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

“Focus Day” [Sunday, July 14, 2019]

As a follow-up from my experiment from yesterday, it’s time for orientation today. Relaxing yesterday ( = kicking back), to kick off kicking off ( = orienting on what my starting point is and what a good result looks like). Today is “focus day”.

There are plenty videos of me yesterday, on Youtube, waiting to be watched by you. 🙂

There are about 20 videos of me yesterday in total. 🙂

Maybe I can. I’ll see when this is uploaded. 🙂

After 500+ blog posts, my brain just feels so tired.

I’m in bed, currently. Thinking of what to do to be productive today. I can’t not try to be productive because I need money.

Then my mother came to me to tell me  the changes she notices in my behavior when I’m high. Even mentioning the parallel with the crisis center again. I already mentioned that this will happen, in my videos from yesterday ahahahahahaha.

It’s now some hours later than when I started this post. She came while I was typing this update.

I’m hungry.

Now going to brush my teeth. xxx

Updated 14:15 (02:15 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


In the right order:

My first video of today is uploading as well. 🙂 I speak of my search to define my starting poing in it.

Updated 17:20 (05:20 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


Hier is deel 1 van vandaag:

Updated 17:41 (05:41 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off: A Random Experiment [Saturday, July 13, 2019]

Let’s say you’re jogging, right 😏 , and during that relaxing cardio exercise across beautiful landscapes you want to test how fast you can sprint. To measure your velocity, you have to decide on your start point and end point before you start your experiment.

You can decide to, for example, mark one tree as your beginning point and another as your end point, knowing that the distance between those points is, for example, exactly 100 meters. Then your distance is fixed. A start and end point based on distance. Time is variable in this case. To measure your velocity, you’ll have to measure ( = variable ) the time you take to sprint 100 meters. [And, spoiler, in the other example method the distance is variable and then I make my point, telling you why this title et cetera. Kicking off…]

You can also decide to set a beginning and end time. This can be, for example, 00:00 and 03:34, sprinting to the Summer jam you’ve been listening to all Summer. Exactly one song (which is long for a sprint but again this is just an example). Then your time is fixed. But this can also be during your jogging.
You can also decide to set a random time for yourself, like 1 minute. On your activity tracking app/device/anything, you can, for example haha, be running for 42:33. Still you’ll have to know where you have started from, but your end point is variable. You will initiate your sprint from your randomly chosen starting point and then stop at 43:33 (or the end of your Summer jam) – and if you have a good activity tracker then that will do the rest.
If your activity tracker doesn’t do the magic, you’ll have to measure your steps walking back from your end point to your starting point. [I’m not a physic but I know this is correct and this is bloody original off the top Fangy text yay 😸 . Ask my Graeynissis who are able to see a vision of me in real-time in their minds all day every day.]

In that little jogging experiment, where there are set clear boundaries to measure your own competence. You smoothly transition from relaxation into focus and know when it happens.

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off

My body is aching, my mind is restless and my competence is all over the place. (Moving words like that come out of nowhere and I’m trying to transition you into it but even for that I need a beginning momentum spoiler alert.)

I think it would be easier to get my mission across (not point in this case because my mission consists of pointssssssssssss) if I would in my diary clearer indicate when I transition from relaxation into focus. I don’t think we’ve seen real relaxation in this diary yet ever even and I’ve been doing this for over 500 posts ahahahaha. It would also be better for my mind to use today to absolutely not pressure it with anything. Not even trying to explain anything anymore today (aside from the physics in the introduction and why this title). And this sentence:

So today I will be doing what is utmost relaxing to me (except cooking but gotta survive so meowwww) and tomorrow I will define what my starting point is, acting as if these 500+ posts were jogging and tomorrow I will define the starting point of my sprint.

My mind finds that relaxation is a reward that should be earned after having earned or completed something. But it has been quite some fucking time ago since I’ve earned or completed anything (like a course or show or something) – at least 8 months but finishing an open university course year doesn’t give me a qualification for anything in this world so it’s useless and doesn’t even really count which is why I say “at least” the next big thing is graduating from high school – so my mind hasn’t had a “hard work really pays of, glad to have received this figurative trophy, time to relax, celebrate and be proud of myself” moment for so long that it has been working so hard fiending for a new rush like that. That will be the scope after I’ve been kicking back, today. Kicking back to kick off kicking off.

Kicking back how?

Back is not “Back” because short words are not capitalized in a title, it’s not a noun and I like the word Kicking more than I like the word back.

I have some semi-revealing how I’ll kick back today tweets here and some other cool tweets starting from when I stopped blogging yesterday:

Click on the quoted tweet to see the pictures I posted not long before that, referred to in this tweet.

Sad but true but my mother is still my most irresistible Catje. I’m confused.


Oh pleaseeeee 😻 . Respect for everything I’m certainly not here to disrupt anything literally here just typing asking if saying [please don’t be shocked] DILF is normal? The same goes for Victishe and so on. 🙂 Plus this ferocious “This is against the rules!” is soo Cuddle meoow be my Graeyniss pleaseee¿ 😻

They have been fucked up since Amsterdam in December but still I’m personally too broke for new earplugs. I’m too broke for anything but bills and occasional groceries my meow please help.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!
And keep ad-free because ads are ugly as fuck.

That’s not necessarily part of the relaxation unless – big spoiler alert HAHA – you wanna spark some AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂 . And I’m not talking about fireworks because like you – and your pet – I hate fireworks tooooooo. 😀

Excitement yaysss

My only effort on this day of relaxation. Oh and another thing is that I reallyyy can’t cycle without music if there’s the sound of cars and shit conversation around me which is very often here in this area, so that will be headache meows but for the sake of minimizing that I’ll shut off noise cancellation on these half broken earplugs.

Ohne Frambois ik praat Catois noem me Benoît. Ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 😏 #TheFangs

Haha I have. Again here I am giving Camillus unannounced credit. This week I’ve received two Whatsapp marriage proposals to gain Dutch citizenship. (Haha I wonder what Thierryay would say about this.) Both people who asked me to marry them are Nigerian. Camillus is also Nigerian. This is evidence that your country of origin doesn’t say anything about your nature. Yay (for colored people in my eyes but that’s because I’m colored (and only colored “as far as I know”) haha).

I’ll be making videos of me experimenting with this experiment and seeing if I’ll find some relaxation with my unsatisfied mind. My next updates will be videos because I’m tired of typing. My first video will be made after I’ve showered et cetera. Please stay tuned. 😹 ♥

Updated 11:34 (AM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Later meer ben nu in de stad. Dit film ik ook. Ook dat ik niet eens 20 euro kan pinnen man want ik ben KANKER BROKE MAN WAAROM NEGEERT IEDEREEN DAT. Mijn inkomen is €0,niets is zeker. (lees: “nul komma niets…”)

Inmiddels weer onderweg naar huis. Het geheugen van mijn telefoon is vol zegt het dus ik kan niets meer filmen at the moment. Heb intussen buiten nog wel aardig wat minuten erbij gefilmd maar ik wil ook een beetje zuinig aan doen met mijn 4G.

Updated 17:24 (05:24 PM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Sick Catje 😔 [Thursday, July 11, 2019]

10:53 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I hope you’re feeling better than I do. Physically, I feel worse than yesterday. My pains are more serious. Mentally, I have a lot more on my mind than yesterday.

The topics alternately occupying my mind are:

  • Will people become part of my book club? I really hope so because I have such cool ideas for it and it would be the perfect side job! And I need to exceed the costs of having the store because otherwise it will be a headache instead of an asset. I hope I’ll be in good health in time, because I’ve set the deadline of it in 9 days.
  • Will the share my grandmother will give me be enough to have some financial breathing space? Once I get my study financing, my budget for rent will be about €450 for a studio apartment [ 🙁 ]. If my grandmother gives me an amount that leaves me enough to pay for my course books after I’ve paid all of my bills and debts, I – aside from living in a busy area where I don’t know anyone – won’t have anything to worry about. I wonder when she’ll receive it… To save costs, it’s much better for me to start renting from September 1st (when my parents are on a holiday together and my sister’s school resumes and then I’ll be moving¿ x_x ) instead of October 1st.
  • I really hope that I can make the concept of my book club attractive enough for the intelligent (and experienced) Graeynissis I’ll need in the future. Plus I hope they’ll donate to me and give me even more breathing space…
  • Honestly I still really hope to receive a Fangs-specialized study program where I’m encouraged to write papers about multiple fields of science in which any Graeyniss is dealing with an issue my vision could be an asset to. Getting my bachelor’s at age 26 is so old that I hope I can speed up the process by being allowed to do this… I’ve used my former years to set out this concept for a revolution and hope it will come in handy. Especially for “alpha sciences”. For “beta sciences” I really need teaching but for alpha’s honestly I really don’t. (It’s just being able to reproduce the things that are considerd facts, discovered by big names (from the West)…) The book club could be a great asset to this. Meowww I don’t want to reveal too much about the concept yet though…

Meow it’s fluid breakfast timeee. I’ll see you later because by means of being productive I’ll draft the texts for the store and FangCatje here. ♥


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

My meowsss ♥

I feel the continuous sound of my fan, the crampedness of my bedroom and general Dutch air quality fuel the headache of my fever. I’ve always found it annoying, but because my brain is in more pain than usual now, everything is more disturbing than usual now.

Everything except my curiosity for this:

I need any type of shift in the overrated social media hype myself. I’ll be on it. 😸 (&Nooo indeeed no one should ever call any president “meow”. No one but me. 😸 )

Request for “Life” 😂

Ahaha in my “things I do when I grab my phone” routine of checking my web stats and checking the balance of my main bank account, I randomly decided to click on the “request” button, next to the by young me awfully frequently clicked “transfer” button.

I randomly typed in the maximum amount of €1000. The follow up question was: “What is the €1000 for?” And I typed “Life”. 😂

Now I have a random payment request you can adjust and transfer if you’re at a Dutch bank.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

I’m certain that if enough people engage in this, I’ll never feel sick again. 😸 (Or at least I could have a say in how I’ll be treated, in contrast to what you have to endure if you, like me, have the cheapest health care subscription package. When I get study financing I’ll already “expand” my subscription…)

Haha meow I made the request jokingly, but I honestly hope anyone would give me some Life. I’ll give you something in return for it for sure. 🙂 And if enough people do it then maybe future Book Club meetings could be in/next to my future house, on the estate called Planet Fang. 😻 A compound in Belgium would be nice, as well as in other countries. 😀

My body is acting up again. I’m going to still my hunger and then take a nap. After that I’m just going to start drafting – something that has more impact on my brain because that is really mijn hersenen kraken. I’ll keep pushing the D.O.C.I.S. until it unfolds.

I’ll see you (here) tonight xxx


19:52 (07:52 PM) 

Before I start, I would like to log some interesting Twitter activity here.

It’s part of my revolution yayss. Know that online identities have no meaning. Only real life identities do.

[More untranslated Dutch coming up in my drafting meow for the sake of minimizing pressure on my brain… 😣 ]

I need some fellow Fangyists… My development is stagnating. 🙁

The help I need is so yusu (as in seriusu) meow I’m a minority in the minority of minorities in a country where discrimination is an everyday thing I’ve seen far too frequently.

“Against fraud and corruption” would have made sense. But “against the economy” ahahahaha help this is the level of the average Dutch person &#x1F602 . (No joke only about 6% of Dutch people has finished the highest type of secondary education like me. [It’s LWOO -> VMBO-B -> VMBO-K -> VMBO-T -> HAVO -> VWO -> VWO+ -> Gymnasium (which in this case has nothing to do with exercise ughhh)])

For the sake of doing something useful, I’m now going to draft some book and website texts. Reminder-to-self that I need to change the logo of the D.O.C.I.S. Store to something without an image and make a separate logo for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club. I really love this book club so much already my meoww. I hope you’re willing to pay the contribution I need for your set of books and gifts every quarter, plus renting a book club meeting venue.

I’m starting with FangCatje though, because that had to have been finished (haha trippy tenses) already… I think I’ll publish it under “Dominique Daniëlle Elia” instead of “Lil Fangs”.

FangCatje Draft

Het leven voelt voor mij van jongs af aan (“al”) als de Tantaluskwelling. Absoluut niet omdat mijn gedrag vergelijkbaar is met wat voor Tantalus de aanleiding voor zijn straf was. Integendeel: mijn hart kan zijn soort immorele daden (zoals zijn zoon aan de goden voeren om te kijken of het wel echte goden zijn) niet verdragen.

Toch ervaar ik een soortgelijk lijden. In zijn straf zijn al zijn behoeften en lusten een kwelling. (De Tantaluskwelling is een Griekse mythe.) Bijvoorbeeld dat hij in een poel met water moest staan, maar dat het water naar beneden golfde wanneer hij eruit probeerde te drinken, waardoor hij leed aan dorst.

Een voorbeeld hiervan, in mijn context, is dat er toen ik 6 was eindelijk een officiële verklaring was voor mijn “anders zijn” en waarom ik me zo ontzettend verveelde op school. Namelijk mijn hoogbegaafdheid. Maar in plaats van het enthousiasme (van leraren) dat ik hoopte te zien en de uitdagingen die ik hoopte te krijgen, werd ik nog meer als (nu niet alleen meer zwart maar ook nog eens veeleisend) vuil gezien en behandeld, en uit men zijn/haar jaloezie over mijn officieel bevestigde intelligentie (en ontwikkelende fysieke schoonheid) op de meest hartverscheurende manieren.

Toen ik, bijvoorbeeld, aan mijn juf vroeg of ik een nieuw boekje mocht, omdat ik het boekje met “uitdagende” taal- en rekenopdrachten voor de hele week dezelfde dag al had uitgewerkt, zei ze: “Ga eerst maar alles inkleuren.” Op iedere pagina stond wel een afbeelding. Ik had juist meer cognitieve uitdaging nodig, in plaats van meer kleutervermaak.

“Waarom ik?” is iets wat ik altijd al heb gedacht. (Misschien omdat echt niemand anders het kan doen…? Ik wou (met de nadruk op verleden tijd, nu ik ouder ben en weet hoe de wereld in elkaar zit) dat we allemaal hoogbegaafd zijn.)

Een ander voorbeeld van mijn Tantaluskwelling is het nieuws dat ik letterlijk net kreeg. Het leek even alsof ik het leven niet meer als een kwelling zal ervaren. Gisteren hoorde ik van mijn moeder dat mijn oma bericht had gekregen, dat ze 85% van haar inleg in het Aegon Sprintplan zal terugkrijgen en dat ik, omdat ik haar ongeveer een jaar geleden had geholpen met het maken van die claim, een aandeel daarvan zou krijgen. Al sinds mijn 17de zit ik financieel aan de grond, dus het voelde alsof het licht aan het eind van de tunnel eindelijk in zicht was.

Maar daarnet kwam ze naar me toe om te vertellen dat degene die voor mijn oma de brief had geïnterpreteerd, dit verkeerd heeft gedaan. Het was niet eens een brief van Aegon maar een brief van het collectief dat de zaak aanvecht. Dat als je als lid een aanvulling op je gegevens opstuurt, je 85% terug kan krijgen in plaats van 80%. Het is nu nog steeds absoluut niet zeker of ze ooit haar geld terug zal krijgen. Die brief die ik voor haar naar Aegon had gestuurd is al meer dan een jaar oud en er zit nog steeds absoluut geen vaart in de zaak.

Het leek even alsof ik “zorgenloos” op kamers kon gaan (wat ik eigenlijk niet eens wil, want ik heb liever leefruimte), ik kon beginnen met kleine schulden afbetalen en zelfs zou kunnen beginnen met het opbouwen van een spaarpotje. Maar ik ben weer terug bij af.

Mijn online dagboek op staat verder vol met Tantaluskwellingsmomenten die vaak onverwachts komen en ik in real-time (“rond het tijdstip dat het in het werkelijk leven gebeurt”) deel, hopend dat ik de Volta waarin mijn kwelling voorbij is ook in real-time zal delen.

Toen ik in de nacht van 27 mei op 28 mei in het crisiscentrum werd opgenomen,

The D.O.C.I.S. Store Draft

I’m going to stop drafting for now, my meow. It’s almost past twelve. And the text above here was the greatest spoiler ever because – aside from typos and/or grammar mistakes I might have missed out on but will correct when I re-type it for the definitive version – I’m going to use exactly that text.

During dinner, there was some (biased) documentary about the Middle-East on. I was familiar with his last name and that (by false media caused) association with political turbulence. But in the documentary they referred to him by his first name. After I saw him give a speech next to Tony Blair [also handsome], I asked: “Who is this (Catje)?” 😻 Bashar Al Assad. Then a debate about how colored western media are, how almost every Arabic leader is seen as a tyrant who wishes to destroy everything and everyone because of this, how the differences between [excusez moi I only know it in Dutch-ish and am too tired to translate it now] Sjiieten, Soennieten, Alevieten and other movements within the Islam cause enough local turbulence already for having to explain that to the West on top of all of the other chaos, how I think he really might not have assassinated an influential in Lebanon, America’s reasons for international involvement, et cetera unfolded for a decent while. I was very alone in my view again. But now I’m even more interested in a D.O.C.I.S. Compound – where you can be yourself – in Syria. 😻 I’m seriously interested in having tea with him. 🙂

Just when I wanted to continue drafting after dinner, my mother told me that my grandmother was misinformed about the refund of her investment in the Aegon Sprintplan. 🙁 Now it’s certain that that won’t give me financial breathing space.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

Good night ♥


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Reflections

Potato Montage [Sunday, July 7, 2019]

02:54 (AM) 

That Type of Montage Where you see a Protagonist with a big Stack of Books Processing Everything to get Something big Done with “Intense” Sounding Background Music

Hey my Catje ♥

I hope that not seeing you today doesn’t mean that you’re not real.* I hope that people keeping up with my blogging, who actually can relate to this and also want to be open about this really exist. (Please I really don’t want another crisis center hell.) But yesterday was a reminder that I shouldn’t assume that anyone will ever take any work out of my hands.

Please don’t get me wrong. The people in my circle always come off as very happy and nice people. I know you’re wise enough to formulate your own opinion and won’t let my opinion influence you if you ever were to spend time with them.

I’m just an outcast. It hurts too much to see reality confirm that every time. We’re very different people, my circle and I. I’ve been laughing about their jokes for decades. I even know the algorithm so well that, in the past, I’ve been making the same type of jokes. But my actual sense of humor is never understood. It’s as if we don’t even speak the same language.

It’s no use trying to explain this. I have no intentions of harming their online or offline identity. All I want to do is – for the sake of my mental health – cause an irreversible break-up. In more than 500 posts I’ve been trying to tell you why, but I see I just can’t make you feel what I feel, if it’s still not clear. When I move to Antwerp, no one will know my address. That’s the type of distance I aspire to create.

My mind is somewhere much further in the distance. This distance becomes larger every single day. Small talk becomes a greater disturbance for me every day. I seek people with whom I can, for example, discuss my selection of books. And then discuss it with self-formulated arguments and not “all those books are bad”, without having read them. Let’s cuddle and read or something…

*Maybe you’re in the same outcast position and know how not easy it is to speak up without consequences. I’m using this silent but loud escape tactic to pave the way for those who are in the same situation as I.

I just want to reform the system and want people to know who I really am. Meanwhile I need to get by. So that’s why I’m working on FangCatje, to clear my name and maybe earn a little. Then I have the book store to hopefully earn enough in combination with study financing. (Ugh why do people keep telling me to get a job it’s such an insult to me.) And then I’ll start being a regular student and hope someone powerful and influential notices me at some point, so that I can become Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs and make the world a better place with my global reform strategies.

In that way, I can do this all by myself as far as this can be done by one person alone. But the road is long and dreadful though and I actually don’t want to do it because I spend far too much time behind a screen meow that’s so awful. As long as none of my “fans” – if they exist –  offers me practical support, I have no other choice but to do this to get there.

Those are my pre-bed thoughts.

Good night ♥


12:21 (PM) 

Another Attempt to Make Myself Clear

Good afternoon 🙂 ♥

I’m still in bed. This is where I strategize most often.

Last night, I mentioned my aspiration to vanish in such a way that I move somewhere else without anyone knowing my new address. This is what I tried in 2017 (but then as a homeless person instead of even having a roof above my head), not thinking of being reported missing because I was already trying to get settled in to my new life.

I find it hard to express this wish of mine to my circle, because I love them and we have an extremely long history together. I also don’t want everyone to think that they’re the cause of me wanting to leave not only this circle but also leave this country forever. It’s just a good 75% of people who makes me want to do that. Haha. Those with the toxic personalities. Not the silent outcasts, but the narcissists who are like bloodsuckers for attention. They have already drained all of my energy energy draining type of vampires. I don’t want to endure that anymore. For my birthday I want distance. A new life. (And if they’ll, as they say, “miss me that much” they can just read my blog but they hate my blog so therefore they hate me and therefore why the fuck are they still in my life.)

I find it hard to express my wish to leave this life behind me to their faces. It really feels similar to a break-up. But to my parents I’ve mentioned this wish repeatedly and they always tell me “That’s not gonna happen.” If you’d have invested in me I could have hired you a maid to change your diapers. But now I’ll need everything to pay off my student debt. It’s gonna happen for sure even if it’s the last thing I do.

I hope that the spontaneous “surprise” hired barbecue catering yesterday confirms for you too that the financial struggle I (not my family but I alone) have been living through is completely unnecessary. The stress that comes with an income below the minimum income is not healthy and to then also have 75% personalities I find toxic in my life is really not healthy. It has been feeding my death wish in the last 12 years. It’s like there’s no way to escape them.

When I say that I strive towards distance when I move out, I don’t mean moving a few blocks away and celebrating the holidays together. I mean that for your funeral I’ll send a bunch of flowers and that’s it. Distance. Never again will I feel that feeling of pain in my chest their offensive words cause and no more toxic memories will be added to the many toxic memories that replay in my head over and over.

My current issue with creating this distance is that I’ll have to rent a moving van to transfer all of my belongings from Capelle to Antwerp, but will they let me do this and will they leave me alone and not report me missing again… Why do they make it so hard for me to move on. 😢

I want more time to work on FangCatje. I’m also having second thoughts about therapy in general again. Because this far every therapist has been forcing me to not only keep in touch with my circle but “improve my relationship” with my circle. I can’t hear something like that EVER AGAIN. THERE IS FUCKING NOTHING TO IMPROVE. WE ARE OPPOSITES. IMPROVEMENT IS WHERE I FIND LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IN A COMPLETELY NEW LIFE DAMMITTTTT HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO BE OBVIOUS!??!!!?!


Oh and I have something important to say about “black people-ism”: Once my parents from my grandparents took over raising me, I’ve been hearing the words “koelie, bokoe, boeroe, ptata,” et cetera like they were normal things to say. I apologize for that person I’ve been when I was younger. I learnt this type of empathy when I was years older. Though in my environment people still treat each other like stereotypes – AND I HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING – I now don’t go along in a conversation like that anymore if it goes that way. An example of fucking annoying stereotyping like that is saying “Dutch/white people/ptatas only eat tasteless food in portions that are too small.” I’ve been hearing shit like that from birth and have been saying it myself because I believed my family was teaching me facts. But they’ve been teaching me bullshit.

I now see that Dutch economic food portions come from both their heritage (e.g. the scarcity of the hongerwinter and elements of that kitchen still prevalent today) and that they have to watch their emission because if we don’t live parsimonious the dykes will flood. (Something most Surinamese people don’t give a fuck about. I don’t give a fuck, too, but that’s just because I look forward to building something better.) Not all Dutch people only eat unseasoned potatoes and such and eat portions that are measured, for example, exactly how many potatoes per person. I love the serious side of this conversation and love to empathize with you (because I find the Dutch (or caucasian or general) search for an identity so sexy because they associate their identity with the big names in human history and then feel like shit let me give you some kisses meow you need to seek your identity only within yourself which is the easiest when you talk to me meow skip whatever the fuck some historic figure did). But simultaneously caucasians assuming that colored people have nothing to offer is heartbreaking and makes me want to murder whoever says something like that.

Some people I can sympathize with and want to improve their lives, some people I hate and want dead. It has nothing to do with where you are from or how many diplomas you have. Like my father says “Er zijn Marokkanen en er zijn geitenneukers,” [ = “There are Moroccans and there are goat fuckers.” Saying some are civilized and some are barbarians] I find that there are Surinamers and monkeys. And that there are Dutch people and FUCKING IGNORANT RACIST AARGH NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I ACTUALLY FUCKING HATE THEM.

My circle is 75% fucking monkeys. The post Surinamese slavery monkeys who stuff themselves because they think it’s their culture, not knowing what influence it has on their health and still associating their eating behavior with some type of fucking absurd (food culture) superiority.
[Trippy sentences and I didn’t explain the words in between apostrophes (like koelie) but I hope the rest of the paragraph has made it clear to you.]

I noticed some of the insecurity that this widespread sense of Surinamese/black (food culture) superiority has caused very clearly yesterday, when I was having a conversation with some Dutch friends of my mother. To them I mentioned how much I’ve repeatedly been told that my parents loved salmon they prepared in their smoke oven, that one day when I decided to not accompany them to their friends, that my father’s birthday present was a smoke oven. They were surprised to hear that they loved it so much. Then I heard the back story of how they ended up preparing that salmon and heard the insecurity about what to prepare that my parents would enjoy. They thought that they don’t eat potatoes. (Only boiled unspiced potatoes are not often appreciated, but that has nothing to do with ethnicity. Stamppot or grilled potatoes with skin seasoned with rosemary and sea salt et cetera is something some Surinamese people, due to the history that intertwines with Dutch history, eat too. (Yes unfortunately those who refuse to eat “white people food” exist as well.))

Meanwhile I’ll feel the need to rip the person’s head off when someone tells me “Your favorite food must be chicken.” And if you think that I’m some uneducated monkey who casts spells and doesn’t know how to use a fork YOU WILL FUCKING DIE VERY FUCKING SOON.

So do not think I’m another stereotypical black person who thinks black people are superior, because then you might get fanged by me. I’m dealing with the very difficult cultural related position I’m in, because of the monkeys I’m sharing my culture with. Monkeys ruin it for non-barbarian colored people. I’m The Fangs with a very complex outlook on life because I can oversee everything from the perspective of empathy. (And I’m out for blood yay. 😀 )

Meoww I need so much more time to work on FangCatje if I want it to be something to be proud of. 🙁

By the way I think that with my writing I’m actually directly transferring my exact feelings to you and these feelings need to become happy feelings because my feelings of pain are unbearable. You can feel it? Meow please give me a reason to write happy things because my pain suuucks and I assume that we both want to feel good.

I have so much to say still meoww but typing is so time consuming and I still have no staff feeding me and stuff so that I can focus on what’s important so mweh I’m going to eat – against the principles of eating safe but from the options I have here still the most safe – left-overs. I’m saving up on interpunction to get information to you faster which is working yay. But where are my kisses meow don’t leave me alone to die alone if you’re sexy please. 😢


17:09 (05:09 PM) 

Ragdoll Mode

Meow I’ve been making time to work on FangCatje, but I feel that my body wants mental rest. The problem is that the real mental rest comes when I’ve permanently distanced myself from the toxic relationships in my life. That is costly because maintaining my life abroad while being a student is costly.

This issue kind of makes me want to lay in bed without moving forever. Entering ragdoll mode. But that won’t make me Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs.

Meow I should be refreshing my knowledge of mathematics though. But I need this online bookstore because it could be the side-income I’ll need very much, to get by. I wish someone would help me. 🙁


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Mijn Fangyistische burn-out

Voor mijn gevoel heb ik een Fangyistische burn-out. Ik zit er helemaal doorheen, maar blijf alsnog steeds doorgaan, want ik wil zo graag resultaten zien. Resultaten waardoor de maatschappij direct verandert.

Ik kan niet echt rusten voordat het is gelukt. Nu blijf ik me alleen maar irriteren aan dat het er nog steeds niet zo uit ziet als de verbeterde structuur die ik in gedachten heb, en dat men denkt dat wat ik wil onmogelijk is, vind ik ook zo fucking irritant. Ik kan er gewoon niet mee leven dat de massa zich neerlegt bij de puinzooi die de wereld nu is. En dat ze de mensen die wel goed willen doen, aan het tegenwerken zijn, door middel van het verspreiden van leugens en andere tijdverspilling.

Met dat ik niet kan rusten bedoel ik niet dat ik niet kan slapen. Ik bedoel dat ik nooit ontspanning voel.

Ik wil niet dat iemand die ik niet zelf tot die functie heb aangesteld, enige zeggenschap heeft over mij. Mijn maatschappijstructuur – de Fangyistische – is de enige die ik goed vind.

Stukje bij beetje blijf ik doorgaan, zoals ik vandaag aan mijn lokale pagina gewerkt heb. Ik hoop dat ik de pagina vandaag online zal zetten, nadat ik hem heb afgemaakt, nadat ik straks, wanneer mijn moeder de boodschappen heeft gebracht, voor het gezin gekookt heb. Hopend dat ik dus na het koken nog een beetje energie heb…

Mijn spieren en hersenen hebben rust nodig – ik kan er nog maar amper gebruik van maken – maar ze kunnen pas rusten en aansterken, wanneer ik de macht in handen heb en ik het me kan permitteren om in een geluidloze omgeving te leven. Ik blijf maar doorgaan, maar binnenkort zitten mijn hersenen echt op haar maximum… 🙁 Ik weet niet hoe dit tot uiting zal komen. Dat vind ik best eng…

Ik vind het ook zo ontzettend jammer dat ik deze zomer niet met vakantie kan gaan. Voor mijn gevoel heb ik dat namelijk best wel nodig. Maar nu heb ik, gezien ik toch geen geld heb om op vakantie te gaan, deze organisatiehervorming op mijn zomerplanning staan…

Wat ik doe is niet iets dat iedereen kan. Maar dat ik letterlijk alles kan doen dat denkbaar is, betekent niet dat ik dat alsmaar kan doen zonder dat ik rust (betekenend een langere time-out) nodig heb. En zelfs het bovennatuurlijke heeft haar maximum, in dit geval.

Vind het ook zo ontzettend vervelend dat ik zo veel moeite moet doen om begrepen te worden 🙁 . Het lijkt alsof er geen eind aan komt…

Lees alsjeblieft mijn essay, die nu gratis is, and get the message 🙁 . Ik hoop dat je me zal willen ondersteunen, wanneer het zo ver is.

Tijd om te koken… 🙁

Dit is mijn 480ste post op


Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Essay]

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid

A D.O.C.I.S. Essay

By Lil Fangs

An Author’s Note

This essay was written when I was in a very difficult situation. Again, being put in a powerless situation by someone else’s authority. I hoped that selling what I know about the deep-state, would help me to afford to get away from those circumstances forever. I’m not in that crisis center anymore, so the contextual information at the end of the post does not apply to me anymore. I, however, still need the funds to live independently. The essay was, because of that, put online for €1177.77, but it had no sales. I find it still important that you get the rest of my message, and that is why I now put this essay online for free.

When I published any other book I’ve published, just like when I was trying to sell this essay, I am trying to earn, so that I can set up a successful business and leave my current life behind me for good. I hope I can count on your support, this time.

“Always start the documents you sell, off with a quote. It will make you look more (modern) scholarly.”

– Lil Fangs

That was a joke 😂 … The rest won’t be…

This essay is all about the hierarchical pyramid, visible on the next page. I’m writing this from my own perspective. As a regular citizen, attempting to formulate an independent opinion, hoping I’ll succeed in nudging the official authorities, so that we can flip the pyramid together, forming a new powerful union.

Oh meow I reallyyy need to share this citation with you again, though. (I used it in my EP, too.) It perfectly suits the content of this essay! The first three paragraphs of Propaganda, by Edward Bernays:

“The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.”


Why Disrupt This?

Slowly but surely, the system is destroying itself. The education system and cultural stories that are told from generation to generation, have taught us to value money. It gives us a status. It is the reason many people leave their homes every day.

If an idea is not an idea that can make you rich, society will not consider it a good idea. In that way, making an unprofitable difference, out of kind-heartedness, and to do what is best for our generation and future generations to come, is unappealing to society.

What is appealing to society, is to maximize profits, regardless of what it does to nature. What is appealing to society, is to destroy the names of talented people, because most people don’t have any talents. What is appealing to society, is to make a small story far bigger than it actually is, because otherwise, people have nothing to talk about.

When nature gives out, because it has been abused by this generation far too much, money will have no value. Many lives will become purposeless. That is not our problem (anymore), because they have had enough time and have received enough information to create a better system.

Those at the top (three layers) of the pyramid, have no clue what they are actually doing. They’re far too busy playing the status game. They think it has actual meaning, while it’s only talk. They don’t think about the future, and the consequences of their actions.

To make sure that they don’t ruin the future of us and generations to come, we should flip the pyramid. Instead of trying to maintain what we have, we should disrupt it even further – none of us truly enjoys this anyway. It’s only a façade, needed to keep our status. It is better to cause the disruption ourselves, so that we have control over the way the world looks, after it the system is collapsed, instead of giving in to the prospect of our fate being an uncontrollable chaos, caused by idiots.

The disruption starts with your purchase – thank you 💕 – and is followed by all of us taking physically visible action, simultaneously. I’ll first convince you of why the system has to be disrupted, some more, including some sad stories and good prospects, then I’ll tell you more about my Stratagem, and after that, it’s time for real action 🙂 .


Looking from the Bottom up

From the bottom of the pyramid, the experience of life is anything except joyful. Formulating an independent opinion is too difficult for many, so we are taught to adapt and dumb down our conversation. We watch the members of the inner cabinet try to uncover who is who, and know that right-wing and left-wing are meaningless concepts in that context.

Some individuals are in multiple positions in the pyramid at the same time, due to the status that comes with their profession. Some, like me, aren’t. There are right-wing politicians, doing independent research, echoing their views over the sounds of journalists who blindly follow trends, attempting to reach the business authorities that are being told what to do, by binge-watching babyboomers and their offspring, for example.

We, at the bottom, hope to see a large Volta, where there will be no more name shaming as “world news”. We, at the bottom, want to see the type of change in society that will make everyone go back to school again, because life as we know it will fully change.

But the change the bottom two layers want and need to see, will mean that the top three layers of the pyramid will become obsolete. Fully obsolete…


When I say this to those who blindly follow trends, they respond with something in the context of: “No wonder you are diagnosed with schizophrenia.” The media pre-chew everything there is to discover in life, and tell you how you should feel about that, so how come I have such an odd opinion about everything in life?

“Propaganda” is a bad word, “multiculturalism”, “professional” and “STG” are good words, according to the trends. How about they become just words again, where “good” or “bad” depends on the context they are used in, and the personal view of the listener.

So then, in my view, “I’m going to use propaganda to make everyone my minion,” is bad. But “I’m going to use propaganda to force people to think independently (and unveil their identity),” is good.

Since I’m, in the meantime, still busy debunking the diagnosis schizophrenia I have received, I have to still point this out, though I assume you know I know this, and I hope you know this: Officially, the official authorities and those backing them, are on top of the pyramid. But because we are taught that the media are the voice of independent reason, the official top of the pyramid is not treated as the top of the pyramid, but as puppets who have to be shaped according to the will of the self-preservative deep-state, profiting of the overrated status game.

The bottom two rows of the pyramid are structurally being prohibited from emancipating, because the top three layers do not want to give up their position in the Silent Pyramid. This is so severe, that from a young age, people are taught to stop hoping for change, and accept life as it is. Then the media confirm that image, by publishing thousands of pessimistic articles per day. And if you go too far in your believes for change, like me, you’ll become a victim of social shock therapy and be forced to take psychiatric drugs until you give up on your dreams. Life can’t go on like this forever! Especially not because of the state of the waterworks… 🙂 (The state that is fully ignored by those who blindly follow, and which is not getting enough media attention AT ALL!!!)

I have a lot of trouble with that people who blindly follow trends are authorized to label and stigmatize the worlds of people they can’t even understand. In my view, schizophrenia – as well as MANY other labels – cannot exist, because every perspective on life is unique. It’s just used to push us down the Pyramid even further… That includes people who are convinced by other people that they’re dumb, while they’re actually very smart.

Dissolving the Deep-State

As was said in the citation of Bernays: the members of the inner cabinet, do not know the identity of their fellow members. As in that they cannot openly discuss their hidden agendas. But if you’re only in it for the money and other forms of self-preservation, it’s not necessary to discuss your agenda to reveal your identity. (I say “your” for simplicity. I don’t necessarily mean you, my dear reader.)

In our competitive world, everyone is incentivized to show characteristics of politeness and intelligence, whether they’re real or fake. Humor, in the meantime, has evolved into “laughing after barbarianism”. To me, today’s sense of humor is painful and loveless. Real humor requires intelligence. Intelligence most people – sad but true – don’t have.

Through someone’s sense of humor, you can decipher that person’s identity and hidden agenda. The façade of politeness and intelligence is meaningless, when jokes are misunderstood due to the lack of understanding. From that, an interview follows, to unveil the nature of a joke [Was it to indirectly insult, or was it to make laugh?], and to unveil the nature of the listener [Does the listener find the joker a good conversationalist, or does he/she find him an annoying nerd?].

I’m pulling out all the stops in this paragraph [wonder why?] 😏 . I just want to show you that, even though I’m not really part of it (yet), I know your world very well.

We shouldn’t spend time with those we can’t get along with. The politeness, resembling “professionalism”, in this competitive world, we should let go of, because I know that there are, like me, many people who stay polite, while they would rather scream so loud that their saliva starts to foam. It’s not healthy to crop up emotions (of anger)!

I believe that there is a professional deep-state, and a personal deep-state. The professional deep-state has superficial people wanting to look cool in the one corner, and pioneers wanting to make a change, in the other. The experience of the personal deep-state depends on individual identity, but I would categorize it in this way (mind you that my personal bias will echo through this): there are those who live to spread love, of whom some people in their lives live to do the same, but most people live to take advantage of them, because those people, taking advantage, live, but are barely conscious. They have no talent and don’t want to think about life, because their minds are not capable of understanding it, so let alone improving it. Due to the competitiveness in our society and everyone wanting to be a star, they’ll act as if they live to spread love, but in reality, all they do is just survive (by taking advantage of others).

I’m talking to the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, who truly live to spread love (and receive all of mine 😻 ).

An Independent Alliance

A real “Revenge of the Nerds”, will set the record straight. We have adapted ourselves to less intelligent people for long enough. How about we all let “professionalism” go, simultaneously, and just be ourselves. (You’ll breathe more freely than ever before!)

We, the bottom layers of the Pyramid, don’t need large groups of people to do what we want to do in life. It is what makes us strong as individuals, but it’s what makes us weak against the competitive top three layers in the Silent Pyramid, who are more focused on forming self-preservative alliances, than self-development.

We, “nerds”, should seclude ourselves from those we wouldn’t truly voluntarily spend time with anyway. If we all do it together, at the same time, the top three layers will be powerless. We can outsmart them with so much ease!

That is why I plead for the independent alliance of the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, through D.O.C.I.S. International, funded to unite us and revolutionize society. Who do you want to be, when, due to the collapse of the waterworks, the entire system collapses? You can start your life all over again and re-log who you are, for the history books of our future generations. Please let me know, by sending an email to



The international deep-state should be uncovered, the media should be taken less seriously, those who blindly follow trends have no purpose in our revolution, official authorities should become actual authorities and those who work hard to formulate an independent opinion, will become the world’s new generation of pioneers.

I hope to have given you information that is understandable, and the incentive to do something you easily can and want to do. All you need to do, is, the next time I ask you to publicly support me, say that you are part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council, and poke your chest and bum out, showing the world the strong and independent individual that you are. I’ll divide positions and tasks on the fly. (They say don’t put new information in the conclusion of your texts… I’m still doing it. #YOLO.)

A Digression

War in the Western world, would make me happy. To get the chance to rebuild the overpromoted, decaying metropolitans, which are like old, squeaking amusement park attractions, facilitating the same routine over and over and over and over again. I can’t even pretend to like it anymore. I can’t pretend to value it, either. It would also end that awful “The West is the Best”-sentiment (democrats often use).

The top three layers will point a moralistic finger at me, for the first sentence of this digression, but that is only because the war will be against them, and they will be so very powerless.

Ik hoop dat je je door mijn schrijven een stuk minder alleen voelt. Ik hoop dat ik je leven leuker maak, vanaf de afstand van waar ik je bereik.

Je voelt je zeker alleen omdat je voor de meeste mensen te intelligent bent. Maak je niet (meer) druk, want je persoonlijkheid zal binnenkort de allernormaalste zijn. Andersdenkenden belachelijk maken, zal binnenkort belachelijk worden. Ook zal het normaler worden om culturele gebruiken te laten varen.

Of ik helemaal klaar ben met Project Nosce Te Ipsum? Nee, ik wacht tot men me antwoorden opstuurt. Ik moet weten hoeveel mensen A of B stemmen op de laatste vraag in The Hypothesis, omdat ik op basis daarvan, had ik gezegd, het vervolg van het verhaal zal bepalen. Het is ook onderdeel van de informatie die ik nodig heb voor het publieke opinie onderzoek dat ik doe, om te bepalen wat de beste regeermethode is, voor wanneer de waterwerken er niet meer zijn.

Het wordt een spannende tijd. Maar hoe dan ook een leuke tijd, omdat we samen zullen zijn.

I love you 💕

– Xxx – The Fangs

Die dit allemaal in een avondje op haar telefoon typte, in de crisisopvang, hopend dat ze met de opbrengst hiervan een beter alternatief heeft dan de daklozenopvang, omdat ik vandaag weg moet uit de crisisopvang. Hartelijk dank voor je aankoop 💕 .

Hoe vind je mijn verkooppiramide concept, voor de verkoop van mijn essay over de Stille Pyramide? 😏

© Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniëlle Elia) – The contents of this document may be re-sold for a lower price, but only when part of the profits are shared with the author. When reproducing the content, always mention the author.

Blog, Explicit Content, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

Vampin’ [Sunday, June 9, 2019]


Meoww I just made myself a late night snack. Back in the day when I was 14 and cool on Twitter, if I’d be awake late at night like this, I’d say that I’m Vampin’. I’m Vampin’, my Graeyniss.

Hungry… Crank up the volumeee:

Do you have sexy traditional plans for Pentecost you need some arm candy Catje for?

Let’s eat duck, Victishe?

Do you copy? Click on the previous bitte.

Shitt I’m tired mayneee 🙁 .

This was hilarious:

Would you watch if I’d stream on Periscope…? I just downloaded it after a tip… Or maybe I should use Twitter or YouTube for it¿ Not that I really have anything prepared. It’s more an “ever” question. If I’d live stream I want it to look better than the Prime Minister’s live stream… Not another video from my bedroom 🙁 .

Aiight I’m going to atten my orange juice and head upstairs. I told my aunt that I was going to be at her place at 12. Though my mother hasn’t invited her, maybe she would rather eat Peking duck?

Victishe? Meow I hope he has nothing planneddd… It would be cool to just wildly spontaneously bring me some flowers and then eat this duck with my family, including my aunt, or just run away from this entire country forever, just us two (and our Graeynissis)?

Ooof I can pass out any second now 😴

Good night ♥


09:40 (AM)

It feels as if I’m avoiding an important confrontation… Plus I have sooo much anger to vent, so why run?

That is sarcasm, my dear Graeynissis.

Still funny that the Netherlands is greater in size than Surinam, on this map…

Dinner conversations…

Would be lit…

Ahahahhaahha is it then finally suspicious?

So I’m just screaming for help in non-capslock all day, while using proper interpunction and a calm tone of voice. There are like a zillion figurative demons you’ll have to swerve past on your way to me.

I really hope my aunt is in the mood for Peking duck tonight 🙂 . And I hope for a spontaneous Victishe’s visit 😻 .

I’m in bed, shivering from hunger, with hunger pains again.


10:20 (AM)



But number 2 becomes number 1, more order changes will be there and the list will become farrr longer. Unsuspected criminals.

Look at me tweet my homieeeee:

I think I, by the way, remember Victishe having a slight Surinamese accent¿ Are we relatives¿ 🙁 Haha meowww je weet maar nooitt maar beter niet lol. Is het wel zo, dan is het wel zo hahaha ik weet het niet maar will zip it want niet weer schizofrenie gedoe please ah meowww…

Hoe zeg je “Boeroe” in non-offensive?


Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Grapefruit [Thursday, June 6, 2019]

13:48 (01:48 PM)

Good afternoon 🙂

I just finished my first “meal” of the day: a selection of fruit I feel in the mood for, from the fruit basket downstairs.

Grapefruit, een nectarine, een “gold” kiwi en een banaan 🙂

Now I’m back in my bed… It’s a sunny day, so I’d like to go outside, but my bank accounts are maxed out and I’m not in the mood to walk in the park by myself.

Plus, I have no idea where my house keys are? I didn’t take them with me, when I went to the crisis center. I now can’t go to the gym either, because my membership token is attached to it. In the past, my parents have confiscated my house key every time I distanced myself from them, so I really wonder where they are, now that they’re not in the regular places.

When it comes to my thoughts of getting married and moving on from all of this shit; not having a key is not even that bad. If I take all of my belongings with me [including my sister¿] on my way out and never return, what do I need the keys for?

I need someone who is lonely, too, who I could cuddle with 🙁 . Look at my view:

They’re closed because I don’t feel like putting clothes on (ever again lol)

I want to cuddle meoww but meoww I guess I should think of how I want my business website to look and work on that, sitting in the “backyard”. I’d rather spend time with my Vicje, though… Meooow my hearttttt….. I don’t know how to get this Catje all to myself… 🙁

Does anyone have any tips? Please let me know, by placing a comment… 😏

Please, buy my essay and support my independent living and plans for societal reform… 😏

[products category=”essays-3″]


16:12 (04:12 PM)

I’m losing ittt

I hope that my Vicje would agree with me that those women attacking this other Catje, in the video in my tweet, are fucking dumb bitches… There is no way spending 1000 billion euros to renovate the fucking ugly houses in this country should be done by the state. That is not a fucking climate measure!?!? How much of that money will be used to buy new cars and shit!?!?

As the next ruling generation, I say that that 1000 billion euros for this “climate measure” is unnacceptable! If the houses here are of too much shit quality, just fucking bomb the place and let the dykes flood. Then nature will be back in balance and no one will be disturbed by fucking dumb bitches like that anymore!!!!!

Haha meow my opinion is always very outspoken… I’m laying here, contemplating whether I’d be a suitable wife for Victor… I mean with the whole schizophrenia thing and wanting to start a revolution and being power hungry and stuff… Life will be full of excitement and wild(ly impulsive) experiences, with me. That’s for certain! That is what Graeynissis need, right? I think we are an absolutely perfect match! 😻

How about crowns instead of wedding rings? I’m Queen Fangs meowww…
Haha meow I don’t want to make you go broke because of all of the things I still want to do in life…

Like holding that 24 hour benefit, making a movie, consituting my own country, having my own TV channel, having my own lifestyle line, et cetera… Please marry meee I want someone sexy by my side at all times! 😻 My King Vicje… 😻 Let’s throw Willie off his throne so that that 1000 billion climate bullshit doesn’t go through!

Will you be my loyal knight in shining armour? 😻 I also want to be the queen of Sipaliwini, aside from the Netherlands… And that of California 😻 I have too many ideas for global reform yooo I wouldn’t be able to do that now, if I’d marry someone of my own age (probably watching fucking Netflix all day)… So Vicje pleaseee¿ 😻

I hope he hasn’t found a new flame yettt… Or just cut that off real quick 😀 . Come to my house? 😀 Ah meoww the ceiling isn’t that high though and I’m in bed pet mode… But I want to seeee youuu ah meoww…


17:34 (05:34 PM)

And when I say married I mean onder gemeenschap van goederen with the full name change and everything! 😻
Ik wil het liefst zelfs een derde naam: Lucy (van lux fero…).

Meooow het idee van ons samen is nu zoo erg in mijn hoofd geprent dat ik echt hoop dat dit onze nieuwe realiteit zal worden! 😻

I really hope and even think that Victor is receiving the sound signals from my reasoning in person. This because the first time I spoke to him, I was standing sooo close to him (fighting myself not to touch him). Then, on my way to the next time, I told myself not to stand so close to him, because it might seem odd. But then the next time talking to him, I was standing almost inside him when speaking to him, again, and when I noticed this, in true silence, we took a step back from each other, EXACTLY at the same time!!! Meooow I soo hope it’s true! 😻

Ahaha I don’t want to think of anything elseeeee! Especially not of psychiatry ah meoww the quest for a truly independent second opinion is so dreadful… I wish I could cuddle my Vicje and cook for him and stuff… 😻 If we get together, I would not feel dragged down by my medical record anymore!


19:47 (07:47 PM)

Meooow time is passing by… Tomorrow is getting closer. I want that psychiatric surveillance off my back. That’s why I kind of feel like stopping time. What is there to discuss for me, with a nurse from the “early intervention for psychoses” team? Nothing. But my parents want me to fuck up my medical record further, so that no one listens to me anymore, when I say that the circle I was born in is no good. My mother has already contacted a clinic in Belgium. The problem is that they should hear my side of the story before hers, because she always describes me as a first class lunatic.

If I’d have a good distraction – sex, good conversations, people I can do business with – I would not feel depressed as fuck.

I need someone I can do business with… I need Cishes from my Victishe 😻 . He has the full package… 😻

He is hands down the handsomest man I have ever seen… And he is smart as well 😻 .

And I would, of course, be the absolute perfect housewife! Getting involved in everything he does, giving my perspective on every business decision he shares with me (I hope it will be all of them 🙂 ). I’ll also be his little (side-)advocate (because he certainly is his own advocate), telling those fucking awful clients of him, who get agressive over not receiving a Mercedes for paying a €15 premium, dat ze echt de tyfus kunnen krijgen en ik hoop dat ze zich de volgende keer doodrijden. (In case you wonder why I’m not part of the summer staff anymore: that is why 😂 . And I’m not up for superficial conversations with colleagues either. #PTSD)

Haha if I’d get a euro for every time one of those peasants told me “Ik wil de directeur spreken,” I would be able to buy him myself 😂 . They should really not speak of my Vicje like that… 😾 Same goes for personnel. I still feel like crying, from their response to those “Thinking about you” cards and chocolates. I love that creativity and would literally kill to receive that. Fuck this place, man.

We should just replace everything by D.O.C.I.S. International and replace the Netherlands by water. That will definitely cool off the planet!

I don’t feel like discussing the contents of my blog with any psychiatry related individual who wants me to take antipsychotics… I don’t want tomorrow to happen meoow save me 🙁 .


23:42 (11:42 PM)

I’m such a random catje for suddenly hyping the thought of marriage. I needed time to realize that this could be the best decision we’d ever make.

Though I still don’t even know if it’s mutual, because my business e-mail address is blocked 🙁 . But my personal one isn’t. Now I wonder if that’s because it was forgotten to be blocked, or because I may only reach out to this sexy Catje for personal things? Of course, that is my preference? I didn’t even know that that was an option 🙁 . There are many Graeyniss things I still want and need to learn, my Graeyniss… Please teach me 😻 .

Ugh tomorrowww 🙁 . It feels like when I just started this diary, all over again. Marriage seriously is the only way out of this awful vicious cycle. And it’s a good cure for the chronic loneliness I’ve been suffering from for years… Plus it would give me hope for a better future and stuff…

I would love to not live alone anymore. Alone in the context of having no one I can level with, while coming across both familiar and new faces every day… (Mentioning it here every time would be painful…)

I really want a new life and a new circle, so if I’d get married, that would mean that I wouldn’t even let the majority of people from my circle know. They already treat me as if the real me doesn’t exist anymore, so, to them, I’d definitively be gone, just like that. Fuck saying goodbye…

It’s what I desire… I have so many (more) burdens, I don’t want to bother my Victishe with this 🙁 . But I really need the help of a true Graeyniss, to start over. I really want him to be that person ♥.

Because how to cause the shift, I wouldn’t know. I can’t even get myself out of psychiatric surveillance for good… And I know there are plenty of people who don’t want me to get married. Those who tell me about all of the horrors of marriage, since I was a child, for example, who want me to be their fraud accountant.

I know I would be damn good at it, but I’d rather do good and stay on the right path. Plus they have been making such stupid financial decisions… And I don’t even know how many stupid financial decisions they have made in my name, when I was a child.
That’s why I’d love to be saying: “My husband has a Law degree 😻 .” And that’s why I want to fully distance myself from the life I’ve had from here in the region of Rotterdam. Mijn hemel wat een stad zeg…

My feelings have become extreme overnight. We should really go on a date, my Vicje 😻 . But the type of date after which I move into your house straight after…? I would absolutely love that 😂 .

In reality, I’m going to sleep in a bit, feeling a bit frustrated because I’ve become this psychiatric puppet again. After so much effort to escape it. I was trying to initiate a court case, not be forced to take antipsychotics again…

Meoww I miss you, my Victishe 🙁 . I hope you’ll somehow cuddle me 😿

Good night ♥


You may also like
Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts
Peace and Quiet [Monday, July 22, 2019]
22 July 2019
Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Another day…? [Wednesday, June 5, 2019]

00:23 (12:23 AM) 

I still hope you’ll purchase and read my essay, and let me know what you think of its content 🙂 .

[products category=”essays-3″]

It is written with the intention of discussing it on a much larger scale, and reach a consensus when it comes to shifting the hierarchy to a bottom-up construction. In it, I also say that the identities of some individuals can apply to multiple layers at the same time. You’ll find it interesting 🙂 .

And I would like a new social circle, because I’m far too different from the people in my current one. I can talk to them, but we can’t relate to each other. If you can relate to me, please buy my essay so that we can become life long friends. And tell your friends that you’ve bought my sexy essay. The information in it, will give you something in return that is of much greater value than the purchase price…

Especially if you have a Dutch bank account, please purchase it via a bank transfer 🙂 . That’s one out of two of the payment options when you proceed to the checkout on this blog.

Bitte buy my essay so that I can be happy, living life the way I should… It feels wrong to live life with the people from that list. In reality, out personalities do not match at all, so it really is better when I leave.

Closer to the German border, it’s safer, water-wise. But then again, Wassenaar is at the sea side, and I so love the sound and scent of the sea (though I find Dutch beaches a quite uncomfortable sight (especially after having visited Nassau twice…))… Plus that it’s a green neighborhood with pretty houses…

I’ll receive a phonecall today, from the “early intervention for psychoses” team, to talk about how we could go about this… If my mother wouldn’t have called my phycisian, it wouldn’t be my current greatest burden. (Like I’ve said often, my physician wants me to be declared incompetent.) If I truly wanted it, I would have asked for it myself… But of course I cooperate, because I didn’t want to receive another threat of being sent to the closed vicinity. Then I’d rather be here in my room.

Staring at this sight…

I wish I could sit around a table with official authorities from multiple fields, and talk about the PR strategy I have for them… (But I’m such a wild catje that meeting up with me will already cause many rumors. (Though we can easily spin that into our advantage…))

What am I going to do today… For sure trying more ways to get a lot of internet money. I really want to have my own place before the weekend. (Because of 80% of that list in Highlights being in this house then… That’s too much pressure (for my bloodlust meoww) 🙁 .) Please buy my essay… You don’t want more dramatic sensation in my life (= this diary) and neither do I…. You want some Cishes, right? 😀 I do tooooo!

I don’t know why I keep myself from trying to commit suicide every time, because I fear missing out on something that would actually make me enjoy life. I feel like there are still many ways to try to get my business off the ground.

And fuck those who say that I’m failing in life (“vastlopen” en “de hele tijd in hetzelfde cirkeltje zitten draaien in die kamer van je” (stop talking me to death please)), who want me to do proletarian shit…

I’m going to continue to configure my official bookstore (and business website), where I can sell paperbacks (and hopefully hardcovers) myself, instead of via Amazon! 😻 Not that Amazon is bad! It’s more that I’d rather sell to Amazon, instead of receive Amazon royalties…

Meanwhile my room is so hot that I feel like passing out yooo… 😥

I wish I had someone I could share my moments with… 🙁


02:07 (AM)

Meoww my feelings…

I’m still craving for passionate intimacy. We would look sooooo sexy together . Especially the part where, on the one hand, I’ll look like a gold digger import bride, but in reality we’ll spark a revolution 😻 .

Meoow I want sex 🙁 . I’ve been depriving myself from it for too long now. But I know Tinder won’t satisfy me… I sound crazy for going after Victor – I live with my parents. But we would be so sexy together meow…

Plus this:

Buy my essay pleaseee…

On that thought, I’m going to sleep. Good night ♥


10:58 (AM)

Good morning ♥

Hopefully your night was good. Mine was, too 🙂 . So good that I’m secretly wishing that it were still dark outside, so that I wouldn’t feel the need to get up and do things, just because there’s daylight.

There are chorizo and mozzarella in the fridge, with which I’ll prepare something. I don’t know exactly what yet, but the combination sounds very tasty 😻 .

My mental is tired from all this creative reasoning and writing, but I’m still going to seek the strength to finish my websites…

Stiekem ben ik serieus:


17:27 (05:27 PM)

Heyy first some Twitter highlights in reverse order:

[Is my actual amount of non-anonymous visitors and views since I installed the Jetpack plugin…]

[Me pretending to be my dream companion.]

[Still got rejected 🙁 .]

[I said the tweet is debatable because every Muslim is different, but still to rule a country can’t be refused just because of a tweet… What is the real reason why?]

[A.k.a. this is how much of a serious hot distraction my fantasies about me and Victor are… I’m going to elaborate on this.]***************

[Stats have been rising ever since I used that sex image for a featured image.]

[Het imperium dat ik eerst nog wel moet creeeren… Land kopen/veroveren enzo…]

*************** An anonymous individual asked me to describe what I’d do to his/her body sexually, if I’d get to do what I want. Not knowing if sexual attraction would be there, I was so bold to write out what I would do to Victor if there is mutual attraction and he is as sweet as I think that he is [explicit]:

“💕 Ik zal je eerst vol passie zoenen en je helemaal uitkleden. Vervolgens duw ik je op bed en zal ik je hele lichaam masseren met massageolie, omdat je zo lang en hard gewerkt hebt, terwijl ik je op willekeurige plaatsen op je lichaam kusjes geef. Ik begin bij je nek en schouders.
Wanneer ik zie hoe hard je bent, geniet ik van je penis met mijn mond, alsof het een bijzonder lekker ijsje is, terwijl ik je diep in je ogen aankijk. Vervolgens zoen ik je weer [als dat mag¿] en wrijf ik je penis langs mijn clitoris en voel je hoe nat ik ben.
Ik geef je dan zuigzoenen, terwijl ik met mijn heupen draai enzo, zonder handen. Daarna haal ik mijn handen door je haren, terwijl ik onze slapen tegen elkaar aan leg, en fluister ik “Please fuck me,” in je oor. Then I’m all yours 😏 .”
We would look soooo sexyyy meoow I want to feel this in real life…

It must be very random for him, that there is this random website where this random individual – The Fangs – is writing about intimacy with him? My attraction to him is real… I wouldn’t know how to get my feelings answered (in a non-digital way)? Plus, if the answer to “Cishe? :D” would be “Nooooo”, I don’t even want to know the answer…? I have no clue meowww… I could very randomly call his office number and ask? 😂 Haha but that feels so lackey-ish… Have been doing lackey shit for far too long…

I’ve been getting ASKfm questions about marriage and I’ve been saying no to the concept of marriage for very long – because of the hassle and fear of getting married to the wrong person. Plus I have so many burdens that all I can do is complain about life, and most people don’t find that sexy. So most people want sex with me, but we can’t even hold a conversation… Anyway, in this situation where my mother is clearly abusing the (financial) authority she has over me, and my physician wants me to be declared incompetent, I would love to have a husband who would like to be on my side, in this battle. I wouldn’t mind being married to the right person right now? But simultaneously, choosing only one person feels like letting down many people who receive my brain-to-brain communication. I’d only do it if I’d have their blessings… And still be allowed to give and receive innocent Cishes 😀 . I really hope Victor receives my signal, too! That would make everything so much easier and then I would be very certain of making the right choice getting fixed on spending the rest of my life with him! 😻

I do must say that I feel that I should be careful with my words, because it feels as though being divorced can cause a love-related PTSD I don’t want to negatively influence. I’m not 100% certain if we wouldn’t get into fights [I hateee fightsss, when I genuinely love that person]. But I feel so happy when I’m around you… I want to cuddle 😻 .

Meanwhile my mount of sales is still 0, and I still want to leave this life behind me, but now that I can’t live the life I want due to lack of capital, there is a session scheduled “with my parole officer”, Friday at 2 PM… I need to move to a different city to get the freedom I want. I wish I could move in to Victor’s house… I would so love to go for this spontaneous gamble 😻 . He could then also teach me everything about being a powerful and responsible Graeyniss and I could be his sexy sidekick wearing formal but tight dresses whenever we’re out in public together 😻 .

My brain feels fried from the stress of being back at ground 0 when it comes to my justice in psychiatry, and fatigue from writing so much. I’m going to play the piano… People didn’t anticipate on the previous versions of my business website, so I feel very low motivation to finish this new one. Please just buy my essay so that I can get the fuck out of this fucking awful situation and we can finally start doing actual business.

Danke schön 🙂

Oh and I just made the “explicit content” category. Especially after Instagram fully blocking my voice, while I get to see porn videos I don’t want to see either, in my feed with suggested content. Is there anyone interested in suggesting which other posts should be in that category?

I’m – in ieder geval – going to add “Een verhaaltje”, “Not Dead Yet” and “Death O’Clock” to it… And after that I’m going to play the piano xxx

If you want me to hold a piano concert, please buy my essay. The same goes for better quality content…

[products category=”essays-3″]


22:47 (10:47 PM)

New Twitter highlights:


[That was sarcasm… Seriously don’t ask…]

[I can’t even buy an ISBN for it… Maybe I should give it a D.O.C.I.S. International Publication Code…]

[~Project Nosce Te Ipsum~…]

Meowww my mind is getting attached to the idea of getting married to my Vicje 😻 . “Vicje” sounds like a verkleinwoord, but I say it for the pronunciation, which sounds like a little orgasm, because I just find him that attractive. And I am sooo pickyyy… I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with? Intimately?

I’ve even been thinking of a guest list and how fucking many people “from my circle” I would not invite HAHAHAHA 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 . [My sister is welcome 🙂 . (Ze is net zo oud als… What’s her name? 😋 ) Other than that, I don’t know…] And how many people I have never met in person before I would invite!!! And we should really do something with speeding cars spinning donuts and figure 8’s!!! 😻

It would be such an awesome way of getting the fuck out of this room forever 😀 . I just want to know everything about being a Graeyniss, meneer Graeyniss… 😻
& A semi-long “Hitlerjugend” haircut would look sooooo good on you! 😻 😻 😻

Haha jeeetje mina, I’m getting so lost in this fantasy! 😻 I could then finally be with my Cuddles and other Graeynissis, tooooo! 😻 But how to make this reality? Or get my heart broken and get the fantasy out of my head 🙁 . Preferably before Friday at 2 PM…

HAHA if I’d call tomorrow, what on Earth should I casually say? “Met Victor” “H-Heey… Met Dominique… [Ik zeg eigenlijk liever “Fangs” of “The Fangs”]. Wat heb je aan? 😻 Ik vind onweer echt eng. Mag ik bij jou onder de dekens komen schuilen? Heb je een bed dat groter is dan reguliere mensen hun bed? Wat eet je graag voor ontbijt??? Ik kom er zo aan doeei tot zoooo 🙂 .” Haha he makes me weak in the kneeeees. Cishe? 😀

Lol noo I don’t dare to call… I prefer to see one’s face when I speak to him/her. Don’t ask me how I survived last year as telefonisch hulpverlener ahahaha… I didn’t even pick up when my “parole officer” called today x_x.

If I’d marry a Graeyniss, I would naturally start my D.O.C.I.S. Alliance. With such a sexy Graeyniss! 😻
I think my husband would support my business aspirations… 😻 My family hasn’t, my ex hasn’t, psychiatry hasn’t, I don’t even have real friends…. I think I’m ready for marriage 😀 .

Haha this is such a randomly far too awesome fantasy taking over me… 😻 I want kisses [ = Cishes, for those who are new here 🙂 ] 😻

Meanwhile, in “reality”: another day of procrastination, when it comes to my business website and making a new theme for my blog… And I also want to do something with, but I don’t know what yet…

If we’d get married, there should certainly be a livestream 🙂 . How about we make it a benefit of 24 hours????? 😻 Because I don’t like saying goodbye to you… To any of you!!! ♥ And I still have big stacks of plans laying around in my mind, which I’ve not put into practice yet… I would so love to do it together with you and ask for your perspective about everything 😻 .

But how to bypass the asking of hand, if we haven’t even spent time alone yet…? It should still really be bypassed, because the “no outsiders” policy in this family is far too strict… I don’t want to risk missing out on your loving 😻 . So fuck that tradition… Other traditions should also be taken with a grain of salt… Like postponing sex… But flowers shouldn’t be bypassed! I love flowers! Aw pleaseee… 😻 I’m not used to asking for expensive or “valueless” things and getting them without pleading for it at least a day… Zou ik dan ook zegmaar automatisch medeverenigingseigenares zijn??? 😻 That would be another one of my Graeyniss dreams come true!

Wist je dat ik in 2017 al een huwelijksvoorwaarden-achtig document had opgesteld? Ook om van die psychiatrische onzin af te kunnen komen. Echt toevallig 😏 . Vooral omdat men me weer aan de antipsychotica wil krijgen! Haha help me pleaseee mijn Catje… ♥

I feel like typing about this forever! But I should cut down on screen time, because it’s after twelve and I should attempt to keep my sleeping schedule the way it was when I was in that crisis center [which shouldn’t even exist. What a waste of tax and insurance money…]. Ik ben nu zogenaamd opgelapt? 😂

So I’m going to read a book or something and then lake myself to sleep… Guess what I’ll be fantasizing about!

Good night ♥

The Fangs loves you ♥


Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe 🙂 . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now 🙂 . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? 😀


01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is 🙂 . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! 😀

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far 🙂 .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side ♥ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) ♥


10:49 (AM)

Good morning 🙂 ♥

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoît Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx


12:55 (PM) 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.


16:25 (04:25 PM)


This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! 🙂 My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out 🙁 .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis on  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have 🙁 . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairs 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely 🙁 . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up 😀 ♥

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx


21:44 (09:44 PM)  

Heyy ♥

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay 🙁 . It might sound foolish to purchase a €1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? 🙁

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong 🙁 . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content 🙁 .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something 🙁 .


You may also like
Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy
Crisis Center Day 7 [Monday, June 3, 2019]
3 June 2019
Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Crisis Center Day 7 [Monday, June 3, 2019]

09:23 (AM)

Good morning ♥

I woke up quite stressed out, because I don’t want to spend another day defending myself. But that’s why I’m here… All I can do is keep my head up.

I’m going to take a shower and eat something. (Won’t go outside today, because my cards are maxed out…) But before I go, I feel like sharing this:

Hehe meow I went to sleep with this thought: mijn Vicje [I sound obsessed lol]: I hope that the next time I hear you say “I really have to go”, is when I’m cuddling you in your bed and I’ll be like “Nooo I want you so bad, please give me some more Cishes” . And then we responsibly time that on the 1 minute and 36 seconds we have left and I then go with you to work because I’m your sidekick… Haha 😀 .

I’ll make a recent picture for a featured image later today. And I’ll write that essay today 🙂 . Though I really feel that I need a holiday… I’ve published over 111000 words this year…

Tot later xxx


11:08 (AM)

I really wonder when things will finally go my way… Currently, they are not.

In the session just now, I was told that tomorrow, I have to leave this place. A few homeless shelter options were listed, because finding a job where shelter is offered, before tomorrow, is “unrealistic”.
And that at 1 o’clock, tomorrow, there is a session planned with people from the department – “specialized in psychoses” – I was in from April 2017 until I ran off to the United States. That they’ll see whether they’ll refer me to someone who could give me a second opinion or not. They want my parents to be present at that session… This is a lost cause, because no one wants to tell me that I’m right, because that means that dozens of people have been in the wrong for so long, and that I have the right for monetary compensation for the suffering I’ve lived through over 2 years…

So I’m going to look for a suitable homeless shelter now? I wish a sharp reader would help me :(…

In other news: I’m going to do my laundry, wishing I had some cash to buy fabric softener, for my strong odor… x_x


11:36 (AM)

It’s done around oneee

Now I’m going to change the trash bag, and then think of what homeless shelter I can go to, with 45 cents to spend, as I write an essay I’ll publish today and sell for a very low price. Please buy it 🙂 .

Is it still strange that I want to die? There’s a unit for people with a depression, and I’m being sent to a unit for schizophrenics. Because of my parents…

My bloodlust comes from those who could have helped me, but prefer to make jokes about the way I feel, and watch me struggle. I want to take them with me, to the grave. Then I’d still have made the world a little better.


12:12 (PM) 

What currently stings my heart the most, is that it is said that me doing my own press, is considered a problem.

Ik zit al heel lang op een goed tegengeluid te wachten. Waarom begin jij, die vindt dat ik wel schizofreen ben, geen blog? Waarom doe je geen aangifte? Er staan “dodenlijsten” op dit blog, en ik heb dinsdag zonder toestemming een gesprek opgenomen en online gezet. Doe alsjeblieft aangifte tegen mij, als je oprecht vindt dat ik schizofreen ben, zodat ik dan in hoger beroep kan gaan tegen jou, en deze casus voor eens en altijd kan afsluiten.

For a truly independent second opinion, I need to either go to Belgium, or go to the United States. The Dutch system doesn’t allow for it. (You can clearly see that.) I currently do not have the funds for that.


13:18 (01:18 PM) 

This is what my essay will be about:

This is how I see society, the way it currently is. What D.O.C.I.S. does, is putting that in reverse.

I’m going to publish it in both Dutch and English. You’ll be able to purchase it from here. I’m also going to put it on Smashwords, and distribute it to the Apple Store et cetera.

Before I continue writing, I want to say this funny thing: around December, I sent Victor an email, in which I metaphorically referred to myself as a homeless cat, asking him if he wants to take me in. (An odd request to wich saying “yes” is not easy, I know. Maar niet geschoten is altijd mis…) And now I actually need to find shelter for tomorrow onwards. I have no options I consider options, in my network, other than him…

I’m going to continue to work on my essay…  xxx


14:42 (02:42 PM) 

A slight change of plans… I give my products a low price, because I’m trying to spread a message. But currently, I find it more important that I have a better alternative than a homeless shelter or living with my parents.

So I’m thinking of a good €107,77 for this essay. 10 sales can help me last about a month, living the way I did when I was in Germany and in the United States (not very comfortable, but doable). 100 sales can make me rent something. 1000 sales and we can really start talking. I could even start putting my actual business concept into practice…

But meoow I’d then still be alone 🙁 . That’s why I was thinking of ways to get Victor’s attention… (And I really don’t want to go to my parents’ house or stay in a homeless shelter. Though I’d rather be alone in a homeless shelter, than go back home…)


18:36 (06:36 PM) 

Twitter highlights:

And it will be sold for €1077,77… Then we can start talking after about 10 sales. And I can finally move on from all of this bullshit. If you buy this, you’ll definitely be entitled to receive a Cishe from me 🙂 ♥ .

Even this migraine can’t stop me from writing… Please buy it, when I put it online – which I’ll announce on all of my social media – and help me have a better alternative than living in a homeless shelter, serving drinks, or moving back in with my parents, with the risk of being sent to the closed vicinity again next time.

I want to lead, together with you. My essay tells you the why and how.

I’m going to continue to write. I’m typing it right away, instead of fully writing it out with pen and paper first. In my notebook, I’ve only written an overview. The essay is fresh off the top, like my diary posts, but then not about a different topic than my day-to-day life.

Please help me move on from this discomfort I’ve been living in for so long and keep an eye on my blog around midnight. Pleaseeeee. Please stay tuned, for “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid”!!!  xxx


21:05 (09:05 PM)

“Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” will be passionately published with all of the tools I have available with the situation I’m in. 45 cents to spend, so no paid marketing. It is literally typed on my phone. Currently, it is about 1000 words, but the core is not worked out yet. I’m loving it already 🙂 .

You’ll love it, too, my fellow bottom two rows of the pyramid :). I’m keeping the exact content a surprise, though… 

It includes exclusive information about the D.O.C.I.S. 🙂 .


You may also like
Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy
Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]
4 June 2019
Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts
Crisis Center Day 3 [Thursday, May 30, 2019]
30 May 2019
Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]

05:57 (AM)

Good morning :)♥

The chirping of birds woke me, a while ago. In case you see the featured image and wonder why my pillow is tilted to the side: it’s because (often, due to pillow quality) I prefer to lay my head on the mattress and pretend as if my pillow is someone I can cuddle with…

Kinda feel at home here

I ate some left over soy beans, as I checked my notifications, after which I emptied my bladder. Now I’m back in bed.

Meowww I wish I really had someone to talk to, with whom I can be intimate, who doesn’t want me to change at all. 90% of those I speak to, don’t understand the decisions I make. Not even after explanation. Still they advice me to stop acting differently than others. I have many reasons to do what I do, the way I do it. That’s why I have such a great need for the type of friendship where one look explains enough.

Meanwhile, my fantasies are getting more wild by the minute. Even elevators and taxis are not safe for us anymore… 😻 Though I love the way the mental images make me feel, I fear getting too attached to the idea of us together… Because what if it won’t happen :(.

Being friends or more than friends with me, is/will be/could be something a lot of people have an opinion about. Much of my provocative strategy is received with negative commentary, because I see a complete disruption and replacement of the system we live in, as an improvement, and a lot of people (in truth) do not want their lives to change. I’m telling you: due to the state of our environment (including overpopulation and the injustice many are living in), change is inevitable.
But you and I, like those who will judge us, have the right to have good friendships, too, right. I think, if some would see us together, they would be shaken up by the radience of our power, intelligence and influence. That is something we should disregard, because to better our fate, our Alliance is supposed to become reality.

Today will be a very hot day… I feel like getting a slush puppy? And I do want to get started with that essay I spoke of yesterday. I think I’ll write it down on paper first, for a change. But first, I’ll close my eyes again for a while, later have breakfast and get ready and stuff… xxx


14:06 (02:06 PM)

Some wild tweets:

Help me er ajb voor zorgen dat ik nooit meer Maccie eet… Ben elke keer misselijk erna x_x. Doe mij maar lobster…

Dit was ik naar mezelf maar snap je wat ik probeer te doen… xd

Currently still @ mcdonalds. Ik denk niet dat ik mijn McFlurry M&M op krijg haha…


17:41 (05:41 PM)

I’m so tired meowww x_x.

Zzzzz 😴

This weather [and the thought of you 😻 ] got me like… 😂

I enjoyed the weekend, though. I fear tomorrow. I’m powerless against the mental torture sessions I can’t get away from. All I can do is list my rights. They don’t understand that the only reason why I’m here is to have sone time away from home, hopefully even to move out right after I get out of here. They don’t have a protocol for that, here, so they consider me a mentally lost cause. They still think I have trouble learning… I just have high standards, that’s all.

It takes time to put my business concept into practice. Time they can’t and don’t even want to give me, here. I wish to escape the authority of the health care industry and the authority of my parents. I did that when I went to the United States and I did that when I went to Germany (twice). I don’t have the money to do that again. (Otherwise I would have done that again as soon as I received my new passport…) If I don’t escape this situation soon, I’ll probably die under strange circumstances – the way many patients have – and they’ll say it was suicide. I don’t want to die anymore now that, by being here, I’ve received a new chance to prove my point [THAT I AM NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC]. But I can only succeed in this, if I receive the support from those who can truly understand my writing.

It’s dinner time. I’ll be back afterwards, though I feel like sleeping already… xxx


19:32 (07:32 PM)

Dinner – bami – was quite good 🙂 . I’m back in bed now. This weather is making me feel like a dried leaf, and I fear this place, in that context, because lorazepam is considered a medicine… It’s my tachtcardia acting up, and psychiatric drugs will make that worse. Wish I had money to visit my doctor in Germany again…

Remember this audio file?!AhevpAkFFwyIi2XeP6xJYmwXkgFY
To me, that is not therapy, but plain abuse of authority. All I do is constantly defend myself. It’s exhausting. I don’t want that again, but tomorrow is Monday 🙁 🙁 🙁 .

I wish I could be with my Vicje 🙁 . Who knows my chances with him. I don’t know, because every time I’ve been around him, I get too busy with fighting the urge to kiss and touch him, while trying to make a cool impression (hahahahahahahaha)…. (I pray he feels the same way about me…) He’s one of the few people on this entire globe, I actually genuinely find attractive. He’s number one on my mental list of people I find attractive. Jhene Aiko is second 🙂 .

I feel kind of lost. During the last “therapy” session, it was said that they wanted to keep me in this ward only until after the weekend, and that after that, they want me to go back to the house of my parents and go back under treatment at the people I went all the way to the United States for, to escape them. This system is awful 🙁 . I don’t even have Graeyniss friends who can visit me here 🙁 .

To solve the problem I’m dealing with, here, I need the capital to buy my own house, and I need the investment needed to further develop my business (concept) (and some money for tuition)… Though they have it, my parents are not an option to ask this, because they would rather keep the money to themselves (and spend it irrationally)… I’d love to ask the people with a high status in society I’ve met, but they have a high status to maintain… I don’t know anyone else willing to support me. Especially not because of the controversial contents of my blog, my social environment doesn’t like.

I can really only do this with you, my Graeyniss… Which is so awesome, on the one hand, because I don’t want to spend time with anyone else! But on the other hand, I fear that you won’t do anything either, and that my fate is to die alone 🙁 .

Haha wow I just heard thunder strike, but, for a second, thought it was a gunshot. Meooow this weather makes me want to have someone to cuddle with even more 🙁 .

Since the ~experts~ here use the last few posts of my blog to call me mentally insane and someone who needs psychiatric drugs et cetera: I have serious grounds to plead for the assassination of some, including overpopulation and illegal activities. I am not a bad influence on my readers, because they haven’t done it – and even if they did, it wouldn’t be for nothing. That is also content for a police case and not a psychiatric case.

I can’t talk about my depression with these people here, because all they do is look at that file from 2017 and try to figure out what the exact schizophrenia of mine is, so that they can prescribe psychiatric drugs to me, with a reason why (@ health insurance). That’s just making me far more depressed! They’re also not even open to listen to my self-diagnoses, “because I’m the patient”. Help me please 🙁 .

The greatest flaw in this psychiatric industry, is that there are too many patients per “doctor”. And that every session is with a different person, who then tries to continue the conversation of his/her colleague, but only knows what the colleague has paraphrased in the digital patient file, which is not everything.
Especially with me, you can’t hold a conversation in that way. My blog has over 400 posts on them, all about this case of mine. I’d appreciate it if the person reviewing me were prepared. And especially not judge after having read not even 10% of what is on here.
But they’re not willing to take the time for me like that. I can understand that, because I’m not open to use psychiatric drugs anyway, and there’s not enough time for a session, because of the amount of patients.

On top of all of that: if I considered psychiatry effective for me, I would have approached a psychiatrist myself, instead of, again, having my mother force me to see one.

What would truly solve my emotional problems, is sex, business and money. Though that might sound as a way to cover up emotional problems: the reason why I’m unsatisfied in life is because I’m striving towards the funding of a multi-component, multinational business, and I’m still not there yet. Plus I’m lonely… And when I, around proletarians, say “still” not “there” yet, they start with meaningless oneliners about having to start small and that failure is not bad et cetera. But for my level of intelligence, that’s worse than bad, and you all know it…

So I’m trying to reason out a quick way to solve this:

– I need to get money.
I should get my laptop, so that I can continue configuring my new online (book)store [in which I also want to sell classics fron Seneca and Ovid, et cetera… You’ll love it!!! 😻 ]. But for that, I need to go past the house of my parents and I wish to not speak to them… But my keys are at home x_x.

– I need to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Just because of my aspirations, I want my files to show the truth about me. However, if convincing you through my own network (D.O.C.I.S. International/ is possible, then I could sort of settle for that. Meanwhile, my mother loves to send me here, though. That’s why I do prefer to correct my file. To stop her from being able to do that.
The problem is that the “doctors” here, who don’t have time for exceptional cases, are not even willing to listen to the reasons why not. And if one psychiatrist would say “Lil Fangs is not a schizophrenic”, it would be much easier for other psychiatrists to say that the psychiatrist supporting me is also a schizophrenic, instead of suddenly having the world know that dozens of healty care professionals have done a VERY bad job with me, because I am not a schizophrenic (and have never been one, but the illness is chronic, so according to those “experts”, I was born weak-minded). I hope now you know for sure why I have been putting so much emphasis on my medical record, over the past few years 🙂 .

– I need a place to stay.
Chances are that tomorrow they’ll either send me home or send me to a different ward. What I want is to live with someone I can talk business with (and be intimate with). But that is only possible when you anticipate on this blog post (Vicje 😻 ). If not – which would break my heart, but I could still get to show some empathy if you would (but please please PLEASE don’t break it) – I would choose the different ward. Or maybe they’ll keep me here and force me to undergo treatment with drugs here. That would be a powerless hell, but then I could continue to point out things that desperately need to be altered, in the (Dutch) psychiatric system.
I’d rather do that, than go back to my parents’ house. I consider this form of raising awareness the most useful – hopefully media victims are considering to publish their news through me. And I’d rather write than have to resort to some job serving drinks full-time, continuously being disturbed by the fact that I have a business here, ready for expansion.

If my B admits to being the voice in the Head Cuddle… 🙁 The case would be closed just like that. It’s who we are, naturally, and we have this ability for a purpose. I still experience the sound, but it’s as if we have nothing to talk about, if we can’t even spend time together. We’re supposed to be designing a new world together 🙁 .

My dear reader, please do something 🙁 . To help me, you could, for example, form an alliance with other supporters of mine you know. I beg you to distance yourself from those who are not on my side, if you’re on my side, because our opponents are incredibly hurtful and I do not want you to get hurt! 🙁

If you’re a sweet and influential Graeyniss reading this: you know where I am at all times. You can see what I see and hear what I hear. I hope you’ll use these tools to make me even happier, by freeing me and allowing me to spend more time with you in person. It’s what we both want…

No one wants me to stay in a ward like this for three months or longer, again (I assume…). To earn – so that I can afford to live elsewhere, without moving back in with my parents – I should get access to a computer (and buy a better one…). I wish I could just be Vicje’s sidekick, though… (Because, yes, my mind does need special attention on the work floor, because I think I’m already ready to handle a director’s workload…) Meoow I wonder if he’s still in the country… I would be so happy to spend much more time with him. Even if it’s only to look at him: he’s such a Catje! 😻

I’m going to go to sleep again. With panties only, because it’s sooo hott in here…

Good night ♥


Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Crisis Center Day 4 [Friday, May 31, 2019]

10:06 (AM)

Good morning ♥

Though it hurts me to know that my business e-mail address is blocked, when contacting my Vicje – though I can understand he can not go in to personal business enquiries – it’s a relief to know that the e-mail I sent him yesterday, from my personal e-mail account, was delivered:

Toen ik vorig jaar in dezelfde situatie zat, vluchtte ik ook naar de ANWB… Dat ging prima?

I don’t know any other places to apply for a job I could be hired for, where I’d be sitting behind a desk. Serving drinks, sitting behind the counter, etc. suit my ambitions even less. I’m putting my Vicje in a difficult position, though 🙁 . But I really don’t know who else can save me, if I can only be considered as normal, when I work. And I want the highest salary possible, so I only want to work full-time…

I can’t even think of the injustice I’m living in – because, again, I do not have an IBS, but still they do not want to listen to me, but just kill me with antipsychotics. I just want to get the hell out of this town… Hopefully there are no therapy sessions scheduled for me today. If I move to Den Haag – or anywhere else not in or very close to Rotterdam – I’ll be out of their territory.

They have also been considering to transfer me to the UMC… I can find peace in any location of residence, as long as I don’t have to go back to living under the authority of my parents. I need my own place. Especially because I want to be able to have Graeynissis over…

I feel like publishing an essay, today… In other news, I have less than €10 to spend, so I can’t get proper food outdoors and buy thights for the t-shirt dress I bought and buy new eyeliner and mascara… The struggle… I’m going to have breakfast….


14:11 (02:11 PM)

I’m going outside to spend this money out of boredom and because of the fact that my hunger makes me very tired…

Same clothes as yesterdayy #sustainability

Before I went outside…

Currently walking towards the metro… I still really need a better bed, by the way 🙁 .


14:27 (02:27 PM)


#schizoprenia ughhh


16:15 (04:15 PM) 

Currently eating this fruit…

I’m happy there was no therapy session planned for me today. I hope I won’t get any of those anymore. I want to move to wherever my Vicje is living, currently… But meoow I have 0 capital 🙁 .

Hire me, pleaseee… Or take me in as your house Catje 🙁 . I just want to get away from the psychiatric industry once and for all… When someone threatens to kill you, you should call the police and not a shrink. Why was there no police involved? Got something to hide?

I’m tired from defending myself on here. As in I wake up tired every day… And now I have to be full-time proletarian as well 🙁 .

Kinda feel like a stalker deluxe but I’m going to send another message. I need someone I can work for, talk to and hopefully kiss and cuddle… Vicje is the only one who meets those requirements, who I can reach… Plus a sexy boss is a requirement to me, so I don’t know where else to look…


19:06 (07:06 PM) 

I sent another desperate e-mail x_x. Are there maybe some fellow Graeynissis who would like to offer my Vicje some support, in case he wants to save this Catje? We’ll become a squad of Graeynissis one day anyway, might as well be after I’ve slept because I’m tired as fuck right now…

What I sent [posting it here because I don’t know if mails are received when box is in “holiday mode”(?)]:

I’m such a random catje ahahah

It feels as if I’m being too informal. But my final objective is frequent Cishes so meowww

Hehe 😀

That second to last screenshot is just to show what my business will do, a little, in the future. Not to break any protocols…! (Unless you want to 😻 .)

Meoww Vicje may I be your holiday entertainment? 😻 You’ll have the best time of your life, with me! 😻 Fun relaxation until June 6th [I need that tooooooo], and after that making some cool boss moves together with your personal Propagandist 😀 .

I hope this means holiday mode Vicje? He’s such a mysterious Catje 😻

Then I sent this:

But meowww I have the feeling he, as well as many others, is a secret Lil Fangs fan. So there’s not much digital correspondence necessary :). I’m here on a voluntary basis, so officially, I may leave whenever the fuck I want to. (In reality, they don’t follow this rule.)

As I have told you a couple of times already, my goal is go have adult men (big and little men 🙂 ) and outcast women, as my fans. I want grey haired men in suits to do for me, what young girls do for Justin Bieber!!! 😻 Only then, I would call myself successful! So please save me and let’s get this party started, bitte… 🙁

Some notes on dinner:

A note on my life as Lil Fangs:

Meoww I’m going to bed…

My tachycardia and I hope I don’t die in my sleep yooo.

Good night ♥

– xxx –

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Crisis Center Day 3 [Thursday, May 30, 2019]

11:28 (AM)

Good morning ♥

I don’t know why I can’t reach my Vicje 🙁 . My heart is too weak to approach a random proletarian for this, who won’t understand how much of a sensitive topic this is, and how much bad news would destroy my heart. Some people speak of him in such an awful manner, I won’t be able to endure something like that again 🙁 .

I attempted to email him this [a very random message, I know], when I received a “failed to deliver” notice in return…:

Dezelfde fout maken is terug naar huis gaan. Mijn moeder en huisarts vinden dit een goede plek voor mij… Grrrrr…


Mijn intuïtie vertelt me altijd met wie ik dat wel zou willen doen en met wie niet

Get me out of here, please 🙁 . I apparently still have arbeidsrecht. Apparently even arbeidsdwang, omdat ik alleen als normaal mens word gezien als ik full-time werk en studeer.

The description of the littest hangout in human history

Wild words

I don’t even know if it’s mutual 🙁

I don’t know what to do now 🙁 . I’m so worried… Though I haven’t been that close with him (yet?)… 🙁 Maybe he doesn’t like me and has blocked my e-maik address? 🙁 I’d rather hear that than hear that he has passed away or something

I’m now also stuck in the dilemma that I have to find residence and a fixed income, preferably before tomorrow, because after today they will put me under treatment at the department I was in in 2017-2018 [hell] and force me to go back to my parents’ house.

I asked the psychiatrist yesterday why they can’t treat me without medicines. He told me that medicines are going to put my mind on the right track, “so that I can go back into society” [because I am out of it?]. I had already explained to him that the reason why my business hasn’t thrived yet, is because I don’t have any investors. That the reason why I’m currently not studying, is because I don’t have £6000+ for tuition. That the reason why I don’t have a full time job, is because most jobs are too simple for my intelligence. And that swallowing some pill won’t change that. My self-analysis was, again, fully disregarded.

What I wrote after the conversation where I proposed my self-analysis idea

My alternative strategy is – again – working full-time, so that I won’t have time for living under psychiatric surveillance. I’m on the list for the ANWB Summer staff, so that’s where the e-mail came from…

Yesterday’s Twitter highlights:

I can’t imagine my future without the handsomest Graeyniss I have ever seen!

When it comes to getting out of here, this place is the same as a prison 🙁 .

Help me bitte

I’ll show you my hair – best braids I’ve ever made for myself – when I’ve eaten and showered. I’m still in bed… 🙁


12:58 (PM)

Important announcement:

My weakness… 😻 I’m still worried and feel quite powerless in this situation. I also don’t know who else can save me from this prison…


16:40 (04:40 PM)

Mijn gezichtsuitdrukking zegt “tjoerie” ahahahhaahaha. Ik hoor hier niet thuis verdomme ahahahah.

A tail in case the situation becomes even worse…

Getting some vitamin D… I’d rather get some vitamin Vicje…

Before I went into the shower

This is serious…

I’ll be writing… Er is hier echt niets te doen x_x.

Prison is clearly a metaphor and not fucking schizophrenia. I need to defend every statement I make x_x.


17:37 (05:37 PM) 

Important information:

I want to cuddle my sexy Vicje – I hope the reason why my mail wasn’t delivered, was because of its radical content… If he has a new job, then I heb niets te zoeken bij de ANWB (lol). If he is not with us anymore, then I’d spend all eternity not knowing if the feeling is mutual and feeling fucked up because I couldn’t be there for him…

This would also be a good moment for my B to go on strike….


21:09 (09:09 PM)

I’m in bed… Exhausted 🙁 . (Could that be because the food is cooked in psychiatric drugs?)

I hope someone will free me from here and offer me shelter… 🙁 I really don’t want to talk to these “health care professionals” anymore. All they do is tell me to quit chasing my dreams…

Authority problem:

This is not good for my heart 🙁 . Spending time with me is a privilege and this industry just claims it. The same goes for my parents. I want to be free 🙁 . Truly free!

I’m glad to have found ways to get through the day:

I hope they won’t mind that I posted that picture… I just find it important that the world knows what’s going on here. And I needed some time away from my mother, who, every conversation, tells me that this is what I need.

I want to spend time with people who I can trust, who won’t think of sending me to a place like this. Fucking often 🙁 .

I really hope someone will bail me out 😿 . Please don’t let my mind be shrinked further 🙁 .

I’ll be laking until I pass out. Still hungry, by the way, but I prefer eating natural foods, so I’ll just ignore the sound of my stomach… Maybe eat some almonds…

Good night ♥


You may also like
Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy
Crisis Center Day 7 [Monday, June 3, 2019]
3 June 2019
Blog, Ex Animo
Fangs 2.0: The Diary’s Verdict
21 February 2019
Blog, Online Diary
Saturday May 12, 2018
12 May 2018
Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Highlights [Monday, May 27, 2019]

00:00 (12:00 AM)

I tweet so much that if I wouldn’t share it here as well, it would be impossible to create an oversight.

So highlights (of highlights):

For more oversight:

  • There will be no book release this 30th. My entire project is put on hold as long as no one participates.


  • Useful powerful people leave their positions and form an alliance with me. (Positions in the government, corporations and classrooms.)
  • We design a new system for when the waterworks are not there anymore, and put that system into practice.
  • There will be a new monetary system.
  • I am innocent.


00:27 (12:27 AM)

My goddd these accusations again…

Ever since I’ve gone missing and my parents betrayed me, everyone always defends them, instead of me (kanker irritant):

Oh and the housing deal is off. It would be a total ripoff for me, and I’d earn from something illegal.


01:57 (AM)

If there were a FIOD raid in this house, and the entire family were taken in for questioning, I would be prepared as fuck. I would be able to defend myself – but still hope my Vicje would like to by my sexy lawyer – so very well. I know my defence, which is the absolute truth, by heart, and you can check my websites for further reference. Enjoy your read 🙂 .

I’ll also defend my sister – because she’s young, sweet and uninformed. The rest will try to frame us. If they haven’t already… I hope she won’t do that to me 🙁 . She’s too young 🙁 .


02:27 (AM)

Muy importante:

Ooh en deze ook:

En nu ga ik slapen. Ik zeg altijd wanneer ik ga slapen, zodat je over me zal waken 🙂 ♥

Welterusten liefjes ♥ ♥


13:41 (01:41 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Another day alive and breathing as a family snitch. An important “lesson” I have “learnt” as a child, is that I may never tell anyone about the illegal activities within the family I have always been aware of. With a threatening undertone, softened by future dependency.

They’d make me their money slave after retirement. They often use psychological warfare tactics for fun. There are many more young victims. Those who were raised with the thought that we are blood relatives: family. We’re only fraud relatives, and you should step up, too, if you’re a witness. Fuck the fake family.

All people living off fraud and doing nothing good with it, should be assassinated. That is one of the things I want my future business to do. A bit like SAW…

I ate a piece of picaña and twister fries before bed, and now have diarrhea x_x. This is inconvenient for the small portions of food I keep my vital organs running with. But it’s convenient for my flaming “I’d rather die than continue to live in this illegal hell” feeling. I’ve now eaten a mandarine “for afternoon breakfast”. I’ll eat another one and then shower this watery feces feeling off of me…


15:15 (03:15 PM)

Cute questionnn ♥

I can’t kill everyone in this fucking mafia kartel, without your help… Please, make me happy…


16:31 (04:31 PM)

More important highlights:

The people I’m thinking of killing:

  1. Denise Ifna Elia-Hanenberg
  2. Sidney Derrick Elia
  3. Michael Dreier
  4. Eric Raymond Chin-Ten-Fung
  5. Pascale Chin-Ten-Fung-Hooyman
  6. Gwendell van Riemsdijk
  7. Everyone spreading bullshit news on social media, frauds, bullies and dumb racists
  8. There are A LOTTTTT of people on my “maybe” list…

I want to do it myself!!!


Piano timeee…


17:22 (05:22 PM)


18:06 (06:06 PM)

I threaten and the police and acute dienst should come to my house in about 45 minutes. I’ll pack a backpack before I start 🙂 .


18:58 (06:58 PM)

After the world knows you really shouldn’t fuck with Lil Fangs 🙂 .

It will not be 45 minutes. It’s “After my mother comes back from spontaneously visiting her friend’s house.”

Ga ik ondertussen wel even deze goloks (toch¿) schoonmaken…


19:08 (07:08 PM)

Ze zijn schoon & ik ga toch wel maar met eentje naar beneden ipv twee, straks wanneer mijn moeder terug is, want anders heb ik geen hand vrij om te grijpen.

Ik heb trouwens ook alvast ingepakt:

Zorg aub dat ik in het Nederlandse prison system niet extreem onjuist behandeld zal worden…

Still waiting though…


19:21 (07:21 PM) 

I’ll give them – les parents – the space to eat something. So that I can gather the family in front of the television, the way we have, so way to fucking often.

I want them dead, but this house is not a safe place to kill them. There are too many snakes in this country.

I genuinely hope you’re looking out for me…


20:08 (08:08 PM)



20:45 (08:45 PM)

I’ve just been prognosed with mania and will probably be taken into an institution again. They’re discussing it now.


21:32 (09:32 PM)

So the three individuals of the acute dienst have just left and the next step is waiting until “Bavo Europoort Poortmolen” has found a different spot to stall me, because they’re full. There are too many crazy people in this town, haha…


Look out for my sister bitte 🙁 .

Phones etc. are not allowed, there, so I wonder how Lil Fangs will be treated… Only my sister and other Graeynissis may visit me…


23:14 (11:14 PM)



23:27 (11:27 PM)

My heart hurts 🙁 . I hope this will be my last time living through this. Through the conversations that insinuate that I’m mentally insane. I just want to make some political power moves in this world…

I’m waiting for my intake, here in the crisis center…

Need cuddles 🙁 .


You may also like
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy
D.O.C.I.S.’s Transition Phases [Saturday, August 3, 2019]
3 August 2019
Images, Media, Online Diary, Videos
Getting at it [Friday, August 2, 2019]
2 August 2019
Online Diary
Spontaneous Spontaneity [Wednesday, June 26, 2019]
26 June 2019
Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Still At It [Sunday, May 26, 2019]

09:48 (AM)

Good morning ♥

I just ate some yoghurt and a piece of salmon from my parents’ dinner of yesterday. But eating makes me die less fast, so I kind of regret it… I don’t want to perceive life anymore, on the one hand. But on the other hand, I want to rule this world and be kissing my Vicje… 🙁

Als je denkt dat ik nu “niet meer mezelf ben”, omdat ik die “Lekker mezelf zijn…” kut post niet meer update, dan zit je ernaast. Na vrijdag de 17de, zag ik mijn kans om mijn Cold Case nog te kunnen heropenen en winnen, verloren.

I’m going back to sleep xxx


11:50 (AM)

Sunday viewsss…

Need Cishes 🙁 .


12:39 (PM)

Good afternoon 🙂 .

“Oh wow, it finally seems as if people are starting to notice me 🙂 ”

Happy me…


13:20 (01:20 PM)

My patience is gone. Stop thinking that I can’t fucking handle reality. My reality is worse than yours. I will see more blood flow than anyone else ever has, and I will be the cause. Because I fucking want it. Please, make me happy.

And if you’re a female in an abusive relationship, and you love me and the says asshole does, too: I mean you, not him, sweetie ♥ .

I really need to speak to the world, to indexate, before we start killing…

But only when you allow me to heist all media myself… Then, I’ll be “The Fangs”


14:49 (02:49 PM)


16:56 (04:56 PM)

Bitte… 🙁 You have so many reasons to!


17:52 (05:52 PM)

Reasons like these ones:

“Of iets anders?” = the insecurity that comes from mental torture. Another reason…:

The empty nest syndrome of everyone except me is another reason why.


18:10 (06:10 PM)

Who just logged me out of my administrator panel? Fuck you 🙂 . Cyber bully 🙁 .

To other people: I can sense your attraction to me. Don’t hide it. Especially don’t be ashamed of it. Embrace it! Embrace me! 😀 The Fangs deserves some real love, too…

The Fangs heeft alleen tijd voor zaken… ♥

Ik stel een kolonne van auto’s voor. Allemaal met kogelwerend glas. We zijn waarschijnlijk pas veilig wanneer we de grens over zijn… Daar kunnen we veilig vergaderen 🙂 .

Maar eerst kanen? Alleen wanneer ik wat Cishes van jou krijg, wil ik eten 🙁 .


18:46 (06:46 PM)

The birds are telling me I’ll get Cishes soon, I hear. These powerful Dutch birds who sound louder than a zillion cars and children’s cheers, altogether…

Someone please tell me why I’m, from downstairs, hearing a knife being sharpened, for over 5 minutes? A fist fight would be more fair 🙁 .


19:29 (07:29 PM)

I’m writing history, and you have been written out of the story…


20:13 (08:13 PM) 

I’m a cyber fraud, sometimes 😂. But I really need this power…

I’ve expressed myself a few times in this way, asking myself a question with recognizable wording, because I didn’t have the inspiration to start about detailed sex on here. Some statements I make about sex, should be taken with a grain of salt. I find safe sex very important. Physically safe and no unwanted pregnancies…

But this is some serious advice: disregard all of your family’s sex tips. When they’re “modern tips”, speaking from my own perspective.

Other statements shouldn’t be taken with a grain of salt… These ASKfm questions have increased my craving for Vicje even more… 😻

I already had A LOT of trouble playing it cool, the last time I saw him. The ocean he creates in my panties, when I see him, will most certainly be bigger next time. I’ve been fantasizing tooo much! 😻

Literally too much… I don’t even know him that well. I don’t even know if he’s an Angel or not 🙁 . (That takes more time, to recognize. Of some people I know for 22 years, I also still don’t know.)

I really hope he’s one of my Angels. He is the most attractive person on my mind. (With A LOT of competition, though…) I wish I could have more alone time with him. Really alone… Office parties, with people staring at us, are not the same. (Not saying that I never want to party with him and other people at the same time!)

Because I have these feelings for him, I am so afraid to get hurt, because of past experiences with other people 🙁 .

The Summer holiday season is approaching (?) and my ego has been too damaged because of his staff rejecting my job applications all the time. I’ll never apply again. And yes, staff, you got me: I just want to be there – at the ANWB – to steal your boss and make your job obsolete. I’ll succeed, somehow 🙂 . Because the insurance system in this country is unhealthy and really should be reformed. That he’s hot as well is just a blessing 😻

But stealing my Vicje and him then becoming my labor free sexy Graeyniss, has a lot of benefits. This is how I imagine picture day:

We’re in the office library of the office home of our mansion. The walls are twice his height. The right wall is a robust book case, in front of which there’s a large classical conference table.

We’re facing the camera man, who is taking pictures for our campaign.
Victor places his right hand on my right shoulder. With straightened chests, we look into the camera, looking very powerful. He’s wearing a grey suit with a black tie, I’m wearing a white blouse, a short grey skirt and high socks. A few pictures are snapped.
I place my left hand on top of his right hand and tilt my head towards it, closing my eyes. Again, a few pictures are snapped.

I don’t know if my fantasy will ever become reality, and I don’t know if this will get my heart broken, so I feel very hesitant with sharing this.

It’s embarrassing – especially because I don’t know his feelings and I don’t know who my father is – but to still complete the story, as I promised, I’ll fast-forward it: I grab his tie and pull him towards me, starting to kiss him. Push him on a brown leather couch, sitting on top of him, still kissing, going all wild. Camera man is still taking pictures. Sometimes we look into the camera.

I kiss his erection through his pants, et cetera. Later he lifts me up and lays me down on the conference table, et cetera…. 😻 😻 😻

He might now certainly know that I’ll be thinking of this, when I see him…? I hope he receives my brain-to-brain communication signal… 😻



22:29 (10:29 PM)

All I’ve eaten today is that yoghurt and that piece of salmon… I don’t want to have this room as my home anymore 🙁 . But it’s still better than subjecting myself to mental slavery…


Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Popular Posts

Een verhaaltje

Er was eens een Nigeriaanse prins, die de mooiste ogen en de grootste intelligentie van het hele land had.

Hij ontmoette Queen Fangs op een dronken avond, beiden niet wetende dat ze Queen Fangs heet. (Verzin dit ter plekke…)

They have had very good chemistry. Too good, some would say…

Beiden worden ze regelmatig gediscrimineerd. Ze zijn daarom bang voor liefde. Zo bang dat ze elkaar veel pijn hebben gedaan.

Het wantrouwen werd te groot, toen Fangs niet durfde te zeggen dat ze de geur van zijn adem en smaak van zijn speeksel niet lekker vindt, en dat ze zich onzeker en een beetje beledigd voelde, omdat hij in een jaar tijd nog nooit in haar mond klaargekomen is.

The end.


Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Not Dead Yet… [Friday, May 24, 2019]

10:45 (AM) 

In reference to yesterday:

Dumb fucking algorithm…

This is a popular post AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(It only has 12 views, why my most popular post has 2000+ views. This is sarcasm…)
15:50 (03:50 PM)

It’s not 22 people. Just The Fangs…


16:48 (04:48 PM)


21:40 (09:40 PM)

Wow, 36 🙂

This bloodlust is driving me crazy yoooo… Hunger is also driving me crazy, still. Barbaren bederven mijn eetlust…


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Campaigning D.O.C.I.S…. [Wednesday, May 22, 2019]

02:13 (AM)

Weet je waarom ik eigenlijk niets zei, toen er vragen gesteld konden worden…? Omdat ik anders ruzie zou starten…

Zie dit als een krantenkop: “Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?”

Wie is dan wie, in de deep-state? I’m still trying to dissolve it…

Ik heb niet genoeg ruimte om dan te zeggen: “De lijsttrekker is niet elke stem in de partij. Als in het gebeurt mede in zijn naam, maar hij gaat daar niet zitten.” Dus het volgende is niet op hem van toepassing:

“Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?” Waarom ga je daar dan in de eerste instantie heen? Ga dan toch helemaal niet? Het klinkt toch een beetje…. Jaa dom…?

Als de media die discussie daarover begint op een live stream, zou ik iets negatiefs doen tegenover degene die ik juist wil steunen.

Ik moet mijn websites afmaken, maar ik ben moe… Ik heb honger, en zou – later pas terwijl mijn maag nu knort – boodschappen moeten doen, omdat ik, hoewel ik alles dat me eetbaar lijkt, eet, zelfs niet al het verse eten in Nederland, lekker vind… Ah help x_x.

Nexit betekent toch: “Niet naar het buitenland gaan, om over de problemen in je eigen land te discussiëren, en handel op basis van individuele bondgenootschappen, in plaats van vriendjespolitiek.” ¿

Brexit, Nexit, Espexit, Frexit, Itexit, Dexit… That’s it 😀 . #DOCIS…
10:50 (AM)

Ik werd wakker met twee dilemma’s:

  1. Ik wil zelfmoord plegen, maar mijn moeder is thuis.
  2. Ik probeer te sterven van de honger – want ik wil echt niet naar de supermarkt – maar dat lukt me nooit.

Ik ben de manier waarop ik word behandeld echt ZO FUCKING ZAT.

  2. De mensen die nog steeds denken dat ik zwakbegaafd ben, tegen wie ik beleefd blijf omdat, wanneer ik diegene met eigen handen het leven ontneem, ik zo veel meer haters zal krijgen dat ik nergens meer veilig zal zijn. Ik ben in mijn eigen fucking huis NIET EENS FUCKING VEILIG.

Iedereen kent mij serieus zogenaamd niet? Voor wat er TWEE JAAR GELEDEN gebeurde, was ik al een aardig bekend gezicht. Erna… Jullie publiciteit heeft mijn imago levenslang internationaal beschadigd. Het enige wat ik nog kan doen is ertegenin schreeuwen en laten zien DAT IK TOCH ECHT HELEMAAL ZELF MIJN FUCKING VETERS KAN STRIKKEN. “Pas op de FUCKING GROTE RUIMTE TUSSEN DE DEUR EN WAAR JE NU STAAT.” IK BEN NIET FUCKING BLIND!?! IK WIL JE FUCKING HULP NIET.


De maat is echt vol na meer dan twee uur te hebben GESTAAAAAAAAAAAN. Lil Fangs een stoel aanbieden? Lil Fangs spreektijd geven? Lil Fangs een mail laten sturen naar “Je praat te lang?” Nee. Ik ben de beste schrijfster in de hele fucking wereld, en je weet het.

Ik wil echt nooit meer naar buiten. Ik wil graag geen mensen meer zien, horen en spreken. Ik wil niet meer tot na de verkiezingen wachten, met mijn volgende poging. Weet je hoe erg ik programmeren eigenlijk haat? En waarom probeer ik het eigenlijk nog?

Eenzaamheid is dodelijk.


11:51 (AM) 

Ik heb echt zin om de hele dag in mijn bed te blijven liggen. Maar dan krijg ik sowieso weer gezeik over dat ik niets doe. Dat incasseren dan maar…

Mijn dilemma is echt grappig. Gewoon die “Wat doe je?”, wanneer ik mezelf probeer te verhangen.

Een akelig feit: het aantal views van deze post is nep. I was so bold to add a 2, when there were 22 views. So now there actually are 38 views, instead of 238. This is, in actuality, not a popular post.

I can never be popular, because I’m consciously using an overly stigmatized name, and after the “”SHE’S MISSING” *”two minutes later”* “SHE’S NOT MISSING ANYMORE””-campaign [comes with the looks…], I became stigmatized as publicity poison. (That’s why I’m very fond of my publicity poison idols. Who are unfortunately breaking my heart with their political distance…)

Ik ga het nog steeds proberen, hoor. Eerst even wachten tot ze weg is. Lig nog steeds in bed. Met dezelfde honger.


12:51 (PM) 

Dat ik doodga als een soort Rembrandt, doet me het meeste pijn. “Pas ontdekt nadat haar familie haar levenloze lichaam in huis vond.” De haat die ik voel is werkelijk grenzeloos, omdat ik in realiteit niet onbekend ben, maar gewoon genegeerd word.


13:47 (01:47 PM) 

I don’t want to die not knowing who my biological father is. I know I love him very dearly.

After this painful B situation, the new theories about the deep-state in my life, sound so crazy:

Did I dream that “B’s doppelganger” [my B is the person on the other side of my brain-to-brain communication] attempted to have sex with me in an isolation cell in the police station here, or did that actually happen?

Is it possible that, three years ago, twice there was a different lecturer, who looked a lot like the man I met – together with my mother and a friend of her – last Friday, and that he was there because he loves me so much?

There at two lectures, the office once and the police station after COPS I WANT TO KILL SOOOOOOOO FUCKING BADDDDDDDDDDDD forced me to sip their cup of poisonous shit and put me in an isolation cell, because brain-to-brain communication is still real and in my head I keep telling him that he has very good reasons to just say fuck it and come spend far too much time with me 🙁 .

Ik kan met droge ogen dood willen gaan en traumas herleven, omdat dat altijd al mijn hele leven is geweest. Ik schrijf nog steeds alleen pas in detail over de afgelopen twee jaar. Daarvoor was het niet veel beter. Ik mis mijn opa nog steeds, omdat we zulke goede zakenpartners geweest hadden kunnen zijn 🙁 . En hij was zo lief 🙁 . Mensen met een karakter als dat van hem, zijn bijna uitgestorven 🙁 .


14:09 (02:09 PM) 

I am now so clueless about who my B is… I’d kill to see those luminescent turquoise eyes again. He’s so tall that without making myself smaller, I can rest my head against his chest…

Sympathize with me on this one:

  • I finished my gymnasium in 7 years.
  • I’m black.
  • I quit the international economics  programme I had been allowed into, after 3 months already.
  • I’m female.
  • I’m tall.
  • My voice is deep but still feminine (it’s my height and that fucking Dutch food).
  • I went missing “for two minutes”.
  • I might be part Italian, which would mean that my last name is very incorrect. Italian people are often discriminated (sometimes in ways worse than black people are treated) in the Netherlands (and still it’s one of the top Dutch holiday locations… Ga jij eens heeeel gauw Nexit…).
  • I live in a white country. In the country where my roots lie, I’m seen as white. Here, “I’m black.”
  • My family will assassinate me, if I tell the truth about them.
  • Because I’m very intelligent, I can’t communicate smoothly with some.
  • My style is too intuitive for some to understand it without an extensive explanation.

Do you understand why I ask for your genuine sympathy?


14:41 (02:41 PM) 

Here I go again, starting something over “nothing”:

Harassment, de kaboela bus, culture pressure to behave like the flock… There are so many topics I have a very extensive opinion about…
15:35 (03:35 PM)

Still waiting to hear the alarm system indicate that someone is leaving the house… Then I can at least eat something and smoke “the enemy of the state” indica I bought yesterday.


15:49 (03:49 PM)

Hear hear…

Finally, it’s time for a peaceful lonely first meal of the day…


Blog, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

Lekker mezelf zijn terwijl die hartverscheurende Cold Case helaas nog steeds niet is afgesloten

– – – – 09/05/’19


Ik heb me echt lang niet zo vrij gevoeld.

Wat mijn blog content betreft val ik ontzettend in herhaling. Minstens tot en met mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen, zal ik daarom offline zijn. Wel zal ik af en toe mijn e-mail checken, dus als je me wil bereiken, kan dat via

Ik werd zo geconsumeerd door het schrijven om mijn concept en identiteit te definiëren, dat ik vergat dat alles online eigenlijk waardeloos is.

Ik hoop dat de technologie zich zodanig verder zal ontwikkelen, dat het concept van de online persoonlijkheid zal verdwijnen, en het leven zelf een uiterst bovennatuurlijke ervaring wordt. Daar zet ik me voor in.

En voor Cuddles 😀 . Because I love youuu ♥

Ik wil mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen sowieso op camera vastleggen. Hopelijk zien jullie vanaf dan (of misschien zelfs eerder al) mijn ware, (monocratische, maar open voor goed advies) gezicht.

Tot snel, mijn lief ♥

– – – – 06/05/’19

De Rest van de Strategie

Het filmpje hierboven is belangrijke uitleg. Verder is, zoals de afgelopen twee jaar, mijn strategie wachten tot ik dr. Crutzen na die ontzettend lange tijd eindelijk mag zien en we verder kunnen praten over hoe we het Stratagem eindelijk in de praktijk kunnen brengen, featuring other Graeynissis 😀 .

Morgen ga ik een nieuw filmpje in het Nederlands maken, tenzij mijn bevrijding vervroegd wordt (is wat ik iedere dag hoop, meer dan de afgelopen twee jaar).

Youtube & korte filmpjes

Mijn publiceren is op dit moment lekker all over the place en hier zijn dus nog wat meer filmpjes die nog niet in dit “artikel” stonden, in semi-publicatievolgorde:

Ik ga nu mijn powerpoint voor mijn praten over de link tussen Fangyisme en D.O.C.I.S. International afmaken, dat filmen en koken. Of mijn filmpje voor of na het eten af is weet ik nog niet… xxx

– – – – 01/05/’19


Normaal gesproken deel ik in mijn dagboek dat ik aan het koken ben. Vandaag deed ik dat op Instagram 🙂 . (Beetje beschamend, want het kan natuurlijk niet op tegen al die gelikte kookvideos die je overal kan zien.)


Ik heb ook een filmpje gedeeld van toen ik piano aan het spelen was & toen ik in de sportschool was.

Mijn hoeveelheid volgers, likes, views et cetera is echt zwaar deprimerend.

– – – – 29/04/’19

Praten tegen een muur

Zo voelt dit. Dit is niet het eind resultaat van mijn werk. Maar dat wist je natuurlijk al, omdat je alles al gelezen hebt :). [Dat was mijn depressie gecombineerd met PTSS die zich uitte in deze sarcastische opmerking die is veroorzaakt door het treurige feit dat iemand die nu pas begint met kijken waar dit allemaal eigenlijk over gaat, zo veel in te halen heeft dat de manier waarop er op deze strategie geanticipeerd zou moeten worden, voor diegene niet 1 2 3 duidelijk is.]

– – – 25/04/’19

Ik wil echt godverdomme uit huis

Het is weer “business as usual”. Het probleem is dat ik dit leven achter me wil laten – inclusief de mensen – maar ik hiervoor het kapitaal niet heb. Ik ga hoe dan ook vandaag weg. Ook al slaap ik weer minstens 3 dagen buiten, net als in 2017. Ik ben zooo klaar met deze man. Echt. Hier eerst een voorproefje. 


Intussen doe ik wat web en social media onderhoud. Ik ben onder andere bezig met het instellen van Push Notificaties, zodat ik binnenkort geen gebruik meer hoef te maken van andere social media. Heb jij het notificatieverzoek al gekregen?

– – – – 23/04/’19

Ik ben moe

Na meer dan een jaar lang continu een lange en diverse reeks aan boeken en blog posts schrijven – die niemand leest – voelen mijn hersenen aan alsof ze het ieder moment kunnen begeven. Ik ben daardoor ook te vermoeid – en pici teleurgesteld – om te denken aan een nieuwe low-budget (door de diversiteit, mijn ongeschooldheid en mijn lage inkomen kan ik geen aanspraak maken op kapitaal) manier om mijn concept te innoveren, omdat dat me weer veel tijd en hersencapaciteit gaat kosten. Daarnaast vind ik dat mijn andere publicaties nog niet genoeg aandacht hebben gekregen voor iets nieuws.

Dus dit artikel zal steeds bovenaan blijven staan, omdat ik de datum zal blijven updaten naar de datum waarop ik een stuk tekst toevoeg 🙂 . Intussen wacht ik ook op de heropening van mijn Cold Case (over mijn vermissing, over de onterechte imagoschade en privacyschending, over de criminele manier waarop de politie me heeft behandeld, over de onterechte diagnose schizofrenie en de hartverscheurende gevolgen daarvan, de manier waarop ik mijn hele leven al financieel aan de grond gehouden word, et cetera), die als het goed is mid-mei plaatsvindt. (Maar intussen heb ik nog steeds geen vast inkomen 🙁 . Ik kan pas echt goed werken wanneer mijn naam gezuiverd is en niet meer als schizofreen word gestigmatiseerd.)



Sinds de publicatie van dit artikel (de 21ste van de maand April), ben ik zeer actief geweest op Twitter, voor promotie. Ik kon het ook niet laten om me gelijk met allerlei politieke discussies te bemoeien.

Voor het behouden van een uitlaatklep, terwijl ik mijn hersenen wat rust geef en wacht tot mijn publicaties hun welverdiende aandacht hebben gehad (GRRRRR OP MINSTENS DE ZELFDE SCHAAL ALS DIE LEUGEN VAN EEN VERMISSINGSCAMPAGNE), zal ik daar nu wat actiever op zijn.

Het is ook een wat toegankelijkere manier van corresponderen, voor mensen die eerst nog wat meer willen zien voordat ze mijn blog bezoeken.

Solliciteren = huilen

Als ik een euro zou krijgen voor elke keer dat een bedrijf/recruiter/whatever me een, “Probeer het maar ergens anders,” bericht heeft gestuurd, zou ik inmiddels met pensioen kunnen.

En dat terwijl ik eigenlijk absoluut niet in loondienst wil gaan werken. Ik wil graag een baan die bij mijn intelligentie past, maar de meeste banen voor mijn leeftijd en opleidingsniveau, vallen zwaar onder dat niveau.

Het allerliefst zou ik voor vele bedrijven en individuen als een inhuurbare propagandist werken. Met kortetermijncontracten. Maar daarvoor heb ik een netwerk en aanbevelingen nodig, en die heb ik beiden niet 🙁 .


Indien je/u meer achtergrondinformatie over dit blog wil, raad ik de volgende zoektermen aan: (Door die termen te zoeken, door op de loep rechtsbovenaan het scherm te klikken, vind u/je namelijk een aantal typische Lil Fangs blogberichten.)

  • Schizophrenia / psychotic / psychosis / psychotisch / schizofrenie (= dat ongevraagde wat ik probeer aan te vechten, want ik ben het niet met dat stigma eens)
  • Missing
  • Justice
  • Police
  • Nosce Te Ipsum
  • D.O.C.I.S. International
  • The Head Cuddle / brain-to-brain communication (is hetzelfde, maar The Head Cuddle is mijn zelfverzonnen dialect voor het device)
  • Sea level / water level / zeespiegel
  • My B

– – – 21/04/’19


Het grappigste van deze hele website is dat ik mezelf steeds uitdruk in het Engels, terwijl dat mijn eerste taal helemaal niet is. Ik vind gewoon dat de politieke verwevenheid van Nederland in alle andere landen ter wereld gewoon een keer goed onder de loep genomen moet worden (want hier is veeeeel meer aan de hand), en dat we dat moeten gebruiken als het begin van de nu zeer hoog nodige internationale hervorming (een voorbeeld van een internationale connectie is het Nederlands belastingsysteem dat als een mafiabaas is die altijd “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY!?” schreeuwt, zodra je hier een cent verdiend hebt of hier geboren bent, en dat dat echt anders moet [het noemt zichzelf een belastingparadijs (Google het maar: “Nederland belastingparadijs”), maar dat is geen waarheid, maar valse marketing en PR], want dat geld wordt niet goed besteed), en daarvoor wil ik mezelf als uitgangspunt gebruiken, gezien mijn extreem diverse lijst van talenten, aspiraties, gewoontes en wettelijke wensen. Het Engels is een een stuk toegankelijkere taal. (Het wordt meer gesproken, wereldwijd onderwezen en cursussen zijn heeeeel makkelijk te vinden, ongeacht waar je woont. Maar gelukkig kan er ook online vertaald worden – gezien deze post in het Nederlands is – hoewel dat niet altijd even accuraat is.)

Dit is stiekem wel een heel interessant verhaal

Daarnaast zullen veel verschillende mensen zich kunnen herkennen in mijn verhaal. Dat ik bijvoorbeeld zwart ben, maar de Nederlandse nationaliteit mijn enige nationaliteit is, is een lang verhaal dat begint met slavernij, wat ik met vele andere kleurlingen [denk bijvoorbeeld aan African-Americans (die niet weten waar hun voorouders precies vandaan komen 🙁 ) en Nederland dat (slavenkolonie) Nieuw Amsterdam ( = New York) aan de Britten overgaf, in ruil voor Suriname] gemeen heb. Er zijn misschien zelfs meer Surinamers uit Suriname in Nederland, dan er Surinamers in Suriname zijn. Het is niet echt te tellen, want eens was Suriname onderdeel van het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden (tot 1975). En mijn geboorteplaats is Rotterdam. Ik ben, van mijn familie, de derde generatie in Nederland.

“Ojo Lil Fangs is altijd vet onduidelijk waar gaat het nou eigenlijk over ze legt het niet eens uit bla bla bla”

Ik heb deze post gemaakt omdat ik in de stemming ben om mijn gedachten zo puur mogelijk te delen, en die betrekking hebben op zo veel verschillende onderwerpen, dat ik het maar op deze manier ga aanpakken. Ik denk dat het een fijnere gebruikerservaring is, wanneer je niet naar een volgend artikel hoeft door te klikken voor de volgende dag. Vandaar dat het nu één artikel wordt voor alle levensfilosofie en random gedachten, zolang ik nog in deze beroerde situatie leef. Met mijn eigen verdere bezigheden zal ik u wekelijks updaten 🙂 . Ik voeg alles aan deze post toe, tot ik eindelijk gehoor heb gekregen wat betreft mijn cold case. Ik ben geen schizofreen en had die diagnose NOOOOOOOOOOOIT mogen krijgen. (Dat verhaal komt in vrijwel iedere persoonlijke post voor [voorbeeldje] en ik houd er eigenlijk echt niet van om mezelf meer dan twee keer te herhalen omdat mensen de moeite niet willen nemen om te lezen wat ik nog meer heb geschreven. (Zo erg dat ik er pittig fel van kan worden.))

Een beetje respect zou ik wel fijn vinden

Ik wil echt veel liever met “u” aangesproken worden, trouwens. Vooral omdat mensen echt fuuuuucking respectloos zijn tegen mij, en ze dan alsnog fucking respect van mij verwachten!? Ik wil dan dat het de gewoonte wordt om me met “u” aan te spreken, omdat ik in mijn verbale communicatie altijd mijn best doe om lief en respectvol voor iemand te zijn. Plus, ik wil graag wat meer respect voor mijn intelligentie. Vooral van mensen die echt fucking dom én respectloos zijn. Ik doe dit namelijk ook voor hen.

Waarom nog meer Nederland als startpunt?

Publieke stock trading begon met de Nederlandse piraterij en slavernij. De VOC en later ook de WIC. (Voel je vrij om de feiten te controleren door je eigen onderzoek te doen, in case you do not believe me.) Vandaag de dag zijn vele mensenlevens verweven in de aandelenmarkt. (Niet de mijne, in de zin van zelf geen aandelen bezitten. Maar in mijn omgeving hebben ONTZETTENDDDD veel mensen aandelen. En volgens mij zijn de Nederlandse pensioenfondsen nu afhankelijk van bitcoins en wapenhandel. (Dat men überhaupt nog steeds denkt dat een pensioenfonds de verdere vergrijzing aan zal kunnen…… Het is echt tijd voor hervorming.)) Ik heb de correlatie tussen de aandelenmarkt en uitstoot al een aantal keren uitgelegd. En waarom de waarde van geld gebaseerd zou moeten worden op wat er op dit moment in de natuur beschikbaar is ( = niet zo veel). We moeten het gesprek dat werkelijk gevoerd moet worden – dat gesprek waarvoor velen wegdeinzen [haha I see you 🙂 ] – ECHTTTTT NIET langer uit de weg gaan.

Gemeenheid is onderdeel van de Nederlandse cultuur, en dit verspreidt zich over andere culturen, als een soort epidemie. Niet alleen door het piraten- en slavernijverleden (die als “heldendaden” worden gezien). Een ander voorbeeld is dat vele Nederlanders een gesprek beginnen door middel van een belediging.

Gisteren, bijvoorbeeld, toen ik door de supermarkt liep met een trench coat aan, terwijl de rest van de mensen in t-shirts en korte jurkjes enzo rond liep, en ik een verre kennis tegen het lijf liep, was het eerste wat hij tegen me zei, nadat ik hem begroet had met “Hallo” en hem later weer tegen het lijf liep in een ander deel van de winkel, “Je ziet er uit alsof het winter is,” zei. En als ik dan “Hou je bek gewoon als je niks te zeggen hebt, want dit is toch geen manier om een fucking gesprek te starten,” zeg, dan ben ik weer fout. Daarom zei ik: “Het weer kan zomaar omslaan. Ik ben graag voorbereid.” The truth is: gister was het niet zo warm en ik kom de afgelopen twee jaar niet zo vaak buiten, dus de trench coat was een impulsieve keuze, en ik vind een luchtige trench coat aan doen met 23 graden echt niet zo winters. Met die opmerking zeg je indirect dat iemand zich niet normaal gedraagt. Op die manier vind ik het een woordenwisseling die helemaal niet plaats had hoeven vinden. Ik voel me namelijk al kut genoeg zonder die kutopmerking. Voor de gemiddelde Nederlander is een gesprek als in dat voorbeeld normaal. Ik hoop dat ik niet de enige ben die daar een ontzettende bloedhekel aan heeft.

En dan nog niet eens te beginnen over zwarte piet en hoe vaak ik daar niet mee vergeleken ben in mijn jeugd. Fucking walgelijk en barbaars. En de haat die er wordt verspreid door Nederlandse nieuwsmedia en BNners.

Ik vind dat de mensen die niet respectvol met elkaar kunnen omgaan, van elkaar gescheiden moeten worden. Zo kunnen alleen de mensen die met elkaar overweg kunnen, met elkaar samen leven, en is de wereld een een stuk vreedzamere plek. De mensen die ruzie zoeken met alles en iedereen moeten echt verrrrr uit mijn buurt blijven 🙂 . (Dat is maar 1/1000 van mijn hele idee voor maatschappijhervorming.)

Vrolijk Pasen!

Vrolijk Pasen! 🙂

Ik snap niet waarom een moeder besluit om uitgerekend op Eerste Paasdag met één dochter (en haar vriendje) + kennissen naar Spanje te vertrekken (ik zei eerder Portugal, maar het is dus Spanje), en ik nu alleen zal zijn met mijn “vader” en twee oma’s, die niet eens zijn uitgenodigd voor het restaurant diner van vanavond. Een diner samen met andere mensen die “waarschijnlijk” niet eens mijn biologische familie zijn. Snapt iemand anders dit?

Uit solidariteit heb ik wat boodschappen gedaan om morgen een brunch voor te bereiden voor mijn oma’s (alleen dat is “oma” en oma, als mijn “vader” mijn vader niet blijkt te zijn, na een DNA test, die nog steeds uitgevoerd moet worden) en “vader”, morgen.

Eerlijkgezegd zou ik liever bij Benoît of een andere Graeyniss aansluiten vandaag. En morgen. En voor altijd. Cishe :D.

Waarom ik niet mee ben gegaan naar Spanje? Omdat je daar geen kant op kan [ze gaan naar een vakantiehuis (van twee huisjes/huizen) op een heel afgelegen plek], en het vermaak dan aankomt op gesprekskwaliteit, en dan wordt het Suriname all over again ( = net zoals die vakanties daarheen), en dat houd ik niet langer vol dan een paar minuten. Ik word ontzettend snel geïrriteerd wanneer ik een gesprek te oppervlakkig vind, maar probeer dan tegelijkertijd nog beleefd te blijven, en na verloop van tijd gaat dat gewoon mis.

Hier kan ik eindeloos workaholic zijn, naar de sportschool gaan en Graeynissis stalken, en wordt er geen gezelligheid van me verwacht. En een baan zoeken haha meoww I hope I may hug this Vicje :D.

Nog een vraag

Probeert deze persoon hier te zeggen dat ze denkt dat er niet maar één auteur is op deze website? Want dat zou me echt FUCKING PISSIG maken. Ik word er namelijk SCHIJTZIEK van dat mensen me incompetent noemen/vinden. Dat anderen niet in staat zijn zo goed te schrijven als ik (op 22-jarige leeftijd), wil niet zeggen dat ik niet bovennatuurlijk getalenteerd kan zijn. Er is maar één Lil Fangs en ik zal dat dolgraag willen bewijzen en na dat bewezen te hebben het liefst even een beetje frustratie luchten.

Ik heb weliswaar, gezien ik ook de webdeveloper ben van zowel en Docis.International, voor mezelf, in verband met veiligheidsredenen, een administrator en een editors account aangemaakt, in plaats van alleen een administrators account te gebruiken, maar ik post de laatste tijd blog berichten vanaf beide accounts, dus vandaar dat het kan lijken alsof er meerdere auteurs op dit blog zijn.

Ik ben geen fucking fraudeur en iedereen die dat over mij durft te denken, mag sterven van mij. Waarom tf zou je een hele persoonlijke websites maken met de meest gedetailleerde persoonlijke ervaringen, op de meest hoge frequentie in de geschiedenis van de mensheid, maar dat dan niet eens zelf schrijven? Dat klinkt echt fucking dom.

– – –

De uitgelichte afbeelding is gemaakt door Chevanon Photography, gedownload van

Gekozen omdat ik me (alleen) op als een vis in het water voel, en omdat Benoît me in brain-to-brain communication pesce noemt en ik hem visje 😀 .

Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cold Case 28 [maandag, 29 april 2019]

00:12 (12:12 AM)

Ik begin inmiddels mijn limiet te bereiken wat betreft gratis content. Zo ontzettend veel mensen kijken toe hoe ik lijd, en doen dat nog eens gratis ook. Ik denk dat het het meest bevredigend zal zijn als al mijn content van het een op het andere moment van hen afgezonderd wordt. Daarbij krijgen ze ook geen toegang tot het bestuur van mijn organisatie.

En mijn boek moet echt van afgehaald worden en ik heb recht op 100% van de omzet die er is gemaakt met de verkoop van mijn boek. Ik weet nog steeds niet wie dit heeft gedaan, maar ik vind het echt ontzettend jammer dat dit achter mijn rug om is gegaan.

Ik heb geen zin in vandaag. Net zoals ik geen zin had in gisteren en de dag daarvoor. Het enige wat ik wil – zoals ik dat al meer dan 2 jaar lang aangeef – is een heropening van de cold case van Benoît Crutzen en ik, en dat ik de rest van mijn leven met hem als mijn familie mag doorbrengen.

Meow 🙁 .


01:01 (AM)

I’m not giving my supporters enough attention 🙁 . My bloodlust is blinding me…

Of course, my supporters will be treated like kings and queens, while the world will be saved from those who have turned it into hell. Really 🙂 .

I know I’m not allowed to say that I’m a Prophet, or even more than that, but who else can truly be that? And say that gender doesn’t matter… No one else can do what I do, the way I do it. But people have been trying. Everyone deserves their time to shine. Now it’s my time! We really need international reform…

And I really need my B 🙁 ♥. My heart has been in pain, because of his absence, for so long :(. They have been keeping him away from me for too long. He was my only true friend, when I needed one 🙁 . And I really need the assistance of grey haired white men, to be able to change the world and be heard…

Meoww I’m going to sleep. I love you ♥


Lil Fangs
Art, Audio, Blog, Donation Forms, Ex Animo, Images, Interest & Money in Perspective, Interviews, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, The General Theory of Employment, Tips, Uncategorized, Videos

Dominique Daniëlle Elia CV (curriculum vitae) in het Nederlands

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

Praesens (D.O.C.I.S. International)


Algemene persoonsgegevens

Geboortedatum: 1 november 1996 (22 jaar)

Geboorteplaats: Rotterdam

E-mailadres: (persoonlijk)

Adres: XXXXXXXXXX Capelle aan den IJssel


Persoonlijke doelen


Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.

Korte termijn doelen

  • (Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
  • Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
  • Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
  • Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.



  • Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium

Behaald in 2016

Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica

  • The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree

Nog niet behaald

Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde


  • British Council
    • Cambridge First Certificate English
  • European Piano Teachers Association
    • Niveau C2
  • Basis Flight Simulator certificaat


  • Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente

augustus 2013 – september 2016

Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.

  • Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)

juni 2016 – september 2016

Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.

  • Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)

september 2016 – december 2017

Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.

  • D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)

juli 2018 – heden

Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.

  • ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener

augustus 2018 – september 2018

Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.

Overige (Informele) Ervaring

  • Ervaring met koken

Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.

  • Ervaring met lesgeven

Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.

  • Ervaring als model

Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.

  • Ervaring als actrice/figurant
    • Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)



ISBN: 9789082936803

Gepubliceerd op 24 september 2018

Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.

ISBN: 9789082936810

Gepubliceerd op 30 september 2018

Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.

ISBN: 9789082936834

Gepubliceerd op 30 november 2018

Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.

ISBN: 9789082936896

Gepubliceerd op 30 januari 2019

Een lang essay over een non-cijfermatig algoritme voor levensverbetering en de toepassing hiervan.

ISBN: 9789082936889

Gepubliceerd op 30 maart 2019

De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.

Long-read Artikelen

Publicatiedatum: 28 februari 2019

Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.

Publicatiedatum: 15 april 2019

Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.


Positief Negatief
Communicatief sterk Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen (Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies



In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.

Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.

Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog 🙂 ).

If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Cold Case 6 [Sunday, April 7, 2019]

01:59 (AM)

What is safety, in this context?

Back-up in the cloud and on my laptop itself? Back-up on an external device? A back-up on paper? If the bank loses my files they’re in trouble. Back-up on a satellite? Back-up 10000 meters below sea level?

What is trust? [Het financieel systeem is zo lek als een mandje. Uiteindelijk klopt mijn boekhouding nog he… Hoeveel procent van de wereldbevolking is fraudeur?]

Oh boy, I need to be in the city center of Rotterdam at about 11 o’clock today. To cheer for my mother, because she’s going to run a marathon tomorrow.

My god please do not expect me to elaborate on that with sentimental wordsI’m busyyyy xxx

After cheering, I have a contract to adjustttt

“Case closed”?

I’m also fighting blood thirst. In case you were looking for ammo 🙂 .


08:48 (AM)

Good morning 🙂

I have not slept yet. I said “tomorrow”. That’s what I usually refer to, when I speak of coming events, before going to sleep.

A loss of 61,287.- Euros x_x. 1 Jan 14 – 5 Apr 19. The query shows dollar signs, but the actual amounts are in euros. My laptop considers me American haha. ( = Conscious antrophomorphism, not schizophrenia)

I want to sleep, but also feel like continuing the application I intend to build, and this contract…


10:16 (AM)

Running late as usual. I’m going to cycle to the event.


12:25 (PM)






To find my relatives

I’m going to wash my afro now xxx.

I hope to see Benoît – sexy catje I hope to be calling daddyyy – soon. (Like tomorrow or something? I don’t like it when I’m prohibited from fixing something myself.)

Ik ben ook nog bij de Coolsingel geweest xd


Handle disrespect with disrespect is the way to go

I saw my neighbor approaching her home, walking, as I approached my home, cycling.

I said “hi”

She did not respond.

I was quite stunned, because to me, it seemed like she noticed that I was there. Not that I was feeling like having a conversation, but jwt solidariteit. I’m tiredd.

I went inside to hang my coat, because I was dressed quite warm.

I went outside again, to put my bike in the shed

She asked me if my mother’s marathon went well.

I said “Vast wel” and went inside, zwiepte de deur dicht, met mijn vingers.

Doing everyday shit with Lil Fangs

Minus the sentimenttt

It’s fun 😀 .


14:43 (02:43 PM)

Nu ik die vervallen teringzooi in Rotterdam heb gezien ben ik gelijk weer helemaal van slag 🙁 . (That sounds funny to me.)

Something very pressing about my life philosophy, is that I find that a new collective should take the lead, regarding the environmental decay of the Netherlands, the way nature could strike out of nowhere, and how just keep making the dykes higher is not solving the problem.

I hope to be able to figure out a way to emigrate (being a Dutch citizen is like having a financial ankle bracelet, shout out to the Belastingdienst [I’m sooooo pro tax reform]), after seeing my B.

I’m making a packing list, just in case 🙂 .

Always sidewaysss

As I ponder and gaze at this tree, I think: “Is it always winter, below sea level?”


23:31 (11:31 PM)

If I’m correct, the week in which I finally get my life back to normal (I mean normal as in justice, having someone to talk to, finally getting a proper chance to get my business off the ground, et cetera), has begun 🙂 .

I hope I’ll be able to be certain about this – but I’m unfortunately still subject to people who have authority over me, while they should not have this. Not only because I’m competent. More because I consider them unable to truly do what is right.

Especially after the 22 years of being taken for granted, being discriminated, being stigmatized, et cetera. My goddd I’d kill for the certainty to never see these people again.

I sooo hopeee I can move to any place where someone like me – someone who prefers silence over hearing superficial shit conversations and being in large hoards of people while inhaling big city car fumes – can live in peace.

Soo yess I’m just going to keep my side of the encounter short. I’ll offer him a new version of the contract I had composed for him in 2017. Other than that, I hope we can get to private brainstorming soon 🙂 .

We’ll become One. That is what the contract does and that is what D.O.C.I.S. International means.

I just woke up from my long nap, after having gone a few days pulling all-nighters. Time for late night dinner and making this contracttt xxx


You may also like
Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts
Cold Case 2 & Bookkeeping [Wednesday, April 3, 2019]
3 April 2019
Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Friday, February 1, 2019

00:28 (12:28 AM) 

I have so many posts (about 314 now), I wonder if someone would find it worthwhile to expose him or herself to the contents of my mind, and be able to understand my thoughts and see that every word on my websites is actually a scream for Graeyniss help in non-caps-lock. The troubles I’m facing won’t be understood by regular people, because my content requires beyond-regular reasoning, to be understood. 

My posts are the most clear, when you’ve read them all (and my books as well), because everything relates to each other. But when you stumble upon this for the first time now, new articles (and books) keep being added, while you read your way back in time. If you do… It must have a happy end somehow, so it’s a fun read 🙂 . Especially because what defines the happy end is the veryyy heavyweight question of many. Even of me, since I depend on Graeynissis… But it must include Cishes 😀

Cishe? 😀

Meoww I was feeling Cuddle about the way the lighting on my face was and the way it made my face contour(ing) look, but my phone camera wasn’t showing what I saw with my naked eyes, so my expression is a bit un-cuddle…

That’s a new sweater, by the way, which falls a bit large, but I don’t want to trade it or whatever, because I loveee having new clothes and I don’t like being in busy clothing stores. This one is fron H&M, which was crazy busy compared to the one in Rotterdam Alexander, when I selected it here in Amsterdam, when my mother took me to lunch in the city center, last Saturday. She bought it for me 🙂 . 

I’m petting now… There are so many feelings I feel like sharing, but I’m so tired of this routine of typing posts on my phone… I would love to go back to writing for myself, with pen and paper. And post videos and essays here weekly. Ones of really good quality… Supported by Graeynissis, approved by Graeynissis, made for Graeynissis 😻. Haha yeah man “scientifically proven *whatever*” should become “approved by Graeynissis” 😋. Ahahahaha! 😹😹😹

Meoow I’m going to sleep. I’ll be dreaming about you being my forever Graeyniss. (Graeynissis are always forever, so that was een pleonasme. Of dat andere woord dat ermee verward wordt. Kan er even niet op komen x_x.) Please tell me you don’t have plans for Saturday 🙂 .

Good night ♥

I love you ♥


13:40 (01:40 PM) 

Good afternoon, my Cuddle ♥

I wonder what I should occupy myself with, now that my book is published, and I have about max 4 more weeks to wait… 

I feel like playing the piano, but that’s not an option here. I think I’m going to write and take a long walk through the snow. And record a video? And write with pen and paper. Write with pen and paper and record a video about that, while I walk through the “snow” (it’s just a tiny layer). Yay :D. I’ll upload it to my YouTube channel… I hope my Graeynissis will watch 🙊. 

Know that the thought of that will make me a little nervous while filming it, because I find Graeynissis so Cuddle… And I consider it an introduction of Fangs (2.0 compared to the other videos on my channel)… But that’s Graet, isn’t it, my Graeyniss?

I’m going to get up, shower, eat, mail my Vicje to say that my book is published because he has asked me about that several times in the past, prepare my video on paper and then record it. 

Haha meoow in a group chat, I saw that my meow has been sending people sexy chocolate with a picture of a car under water on it, with the text “Thinking of you” on it. I want it 🙁 . I wonder what his exact hidden message is. I want to mention it in the mail. I don’t know what type of tone I should use. I’ll be thinking about that while I shower xxx


21:54 (09:54 PM)

Meoww I’ve mailed that sexy Graeyniss of mine and recorded the video off the top, in a walk to the park. The rest of the time I spent socializing with friends of family friends and family friends. We were doing party preparations for tomorrow. 

I helped to cut and wrap thiss

Here’s the link for Volta, for my Apple users [thanks to Jamiro for letting me use his iPhone to search for it]:

Hehe here’s what I sent to my Vicje:

Lieve Victor,

Omdat u altijd zo lief vraagt naar hoe het met mijn schrijven gaat, wanneer ik u zie, wil ik u graag met vreugde mededelen dat mijn nieuwste boek <i>Volta</i> nu in de meeste (internationaal gevestigde) online schappen te vinden is. 

Het gaat over het beïnvloeden van de rede en het eigen levenspad, door middel van een zelf bedachte schrijfstrategie, die ik al een aantal jaren toepas. Met oog op de toekomst. Het is geschreven voor Graeynissis.

Ik zou u heel graag een exemplaar willen toesturen! Daarom is mijn vraag of uw voorkeur uit gaat naar een papieren boek, of een e-boek. (Of allebei!) En waar u de zending het liefst ontvangt. 

Via mijn hoogseizoenscollega’s heb ik vernomen dat u een selecte groep mensen, kaartjes en chocolade heeft gestuurd, met de mededeling dat u aan ze denkt. Ik vind dat zo mooi! En zoooooo ontzettend jammer dat ik zelf niks ontvangen heb… Ik ben echt heel benieuwd naar de achterliggende gedachte achter deze bijzondere openbaring. Vooral de afbeelding van de auto die zich onder water bevindt, zie ik als een interessant symbool. 

Ik hoop u weer een keer te zien en te spreken. (Het liefst voor altijd…) 

Als alles goed gaat, en u ervoor open staat, zou dit misschien kunnen, door middel van mijn concept voor een groot project, over maatschappelijke verandering, dat – indien mijn voorstel wordt geaccepteerd – in samenwerking met de Erasmus Universiteit, in gang gezet zou kunnen worden. 

Als dat niet het geval is, solliciteer ik direct voor iedere functie die er op het hoofdkantoor van de ANWB beschikbaar is. (Ik wil echt nergens anders werken, maar ben bang dat ik een hele onprofessionele indruk op u heb gemaakt.)

Hartelijke groeten,

van Dominique 

I normally never share what I send in my e-mails… I’m seriously blushing. I’m such a stalker x_x. 

I’ll edit the videos I made and then update it later. I’m quite tired, though 🙁 . So maybe I’ll end up finishing it tomorrow… 


Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Monday, January 28, 2019

08:33 (AM)

My love! ♥

I’ve still not slept. I’m now doing the finishing touches for Volta. I accidentally already published it, on some websites. So the release date is not the 30th, but the 28th of January… 118 pages in a week!!!!!!!!!!! But I still need to link the pages and make everything look cool and readable for you… I’m trying to impress you…

Here’s the cover!

The cover includes a very abstract cross sectional data analysis model that describes the overall Volta, sort of…

Meowwss I just saw the (generated¿) comments on that what not to include article. I want to say yay, but I can’t tell if they’re positive x_x. If they are, then yay 😀 ♥. I wonder how they got there 😋.

Ooh my meownisss I haven’t slept in far too long… But I only need to click through the preview of the paperback and the pricing stuff, and then I’m fully doneeeee and all I need to do then, is wait. And update my websites with links to the stores the book is available in… Maar dat terzijde. Dat kan morgen ook! Ik wil slapen 😀 .

Ik hou van je ♥

Alvast goede morgen terwijl ik zo ga liggen… Ik ben zo moe dat ik misselijk ben. Maar nu weet ik zeker dat alles beschikbaar is op de 30ste! Als het goed is… Haha…. (Maar ik heb dan waarschijnlijk wel mijn paperback nog niet binnen… Maar dat maakt niet uit, I guess……..)


09:10 (AM)

Aah meow, I had to vomit, as soon as I laid down. I’ll not be able to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while now, now that I experience this after taste… I feel like I need to go again… But meoww I’m going to force myself to sleep. I said that the sickness is caused by fatigue, but I wonder what the real cause is… I hope it’s not my pancreas 😀 .

At least I have Volta out now… Meoow this University must save me… Even though my mother has advised me to assume that I’ll just start following the regular route in September. I said that refusing my offer would be stupid. And then she said that people are stupid, which I can’t deny… But Graeynissis are not stupid meow! That’s all over Volta as well!!! (The contrast…) Haha you should read it 😀 . It’s really written for Graeynissis only… It’s on Smashwords already. I accidentally selected “publish now” instead of preorder, so it’s available there already, and will, after acceptance, be distributed to iBooks and Kobo and stuff…

Meoww gotta rest my eyes and brain and stuff, hoping that I won’t have to… Ah, meow x_x xx

20:51 (08:51 PM)

Meowss I really wonder what the reason for my sickness is… Haha I took a picture… I share everything with you right… If you have a weak stomach, scroll down very fast 😀 

It was crazy much, but looks less now, because I peed over it before taking a picture. Usually people think that I just want their attention when I say that I’m feeling sick. This is my way of saying that that’s nonsense… I haven’t even told anyone this… I just posted it here and hoped that I wasn’t going to die in my sleep…

Haha eww I wonder why it has this color. It looked as if it was mixed with blood

At some point, my stomach felt empty, but my body just kept pushing this strange fluid out of me. And then, when I felt like I was done – it was more meditating on just not continuing to vomit – and I laid down in bed again, with the worst stomach ache I’ve ever had, I had to get up to uncontrollably vomit again. I had that about four times, and afterwards I was able to sleep until about 7… 

I haven’t eaten anything today, besides that PBJ sandwich I ate around 4 in the night, when the binge writing of Volta was starting to make me hungry… I’m afraid that when I’ll eat, the need to vomit will come back again…

So I’m still in bed… Meooowww I hope my Graeynissis will buy, read and enjoy Volta… I’m quite proud of the way everything fits together in the end. And the way we could let our life’s paths intertwine so very easily and how this could perfectly suit my alternative route at the Erasmus University! If that goes through… I sooo hope to see my B again, and his fellow Graeynissis 😻. I hope they will all write Volta’s and let me read them… 

Meoow I’m still tired and hungry at the same time…. I’m going to drink some water and try to rest for as long as possible, before I will reaallyy have to eat…. I’ll talk to you later cutiee♥

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Saturday, January 5, 2019

02:32 (AM) 

Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist… 

I’m still very tired and this headache makes me prefer to sleep – but at the same time, I like talking. The “It’s alive!!!” joke made me think for a second that I’m better off in my own bed, but our long conversation made me change my mind. It also made me forget about the awful headache I have – besides the moments I accidentally stared into a lamp. 

By the way, before I changed my policy of speaking my mind, I was on a path of busting my father for the illegal shit he’s doing. I still wouldn’t care at all if he were to get caught. It might even be a relief. Since we have nothing to talk about. 

In this life, a parent should support you in the life’s path you have the right to develop yourself. If you want to play a dictator and with animal-like screaming and other forms of aggression, to push through “the parent’s dream of a child’s future”, you can fuck off… In the end, that’s all I care about anyway. A lot of people say that he loves me and shit, and I allow these people to say it [as in I don’t use the 1001 arguments I have as to why not (money > kids = #1)], but I have seen very different things. 

But how the meow can I future, then? 🙁 Okay, at first I need my heart rate fixed, et cetera… But I kind of very much want to rule the world… The more I lay in bed, the less I get the impression that I ever will… Meoow 🙁 . Do we do living happily ever after…? I have so many questions about that viral missing campaign, but those who I want to ask questions, I can’t reach… That’s soooo fucking unfair, it makes me want to fang whoever caused that… 

I’m off to go back to bed

I would like a harness for my Wirbelsaüle, by the way. And a antiknarsgebit… Et cetera… 

Meow haha

Good night

I love you [an expression that always gives me palpitations lol. But I do…]


PS. I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks and untying those twists took some pressure off my head. But I need to prevent it from tangling, so I made these little buns… They’re a bit too tight, for my headache, so I’ll make them more loose… 

Meow… Forcing myself to not pull up my shoulders, because of stupid pains. I’ll be sleeping with that exact same sweater… And sport socks… 

11:07 (AM) 

Good morning meow ♥

I still feel sick 🙁 . I need forehead kisses 🙁 . Then I’ll feel better! 😻

That medizinische Eingriff for my tachycardia should take place soon, as well as maybe operations for those ongeremde celdeling cyste-ish infection (since antibiotics don’t work. But I don’t know if it’s possible. Also, maybe my pancreas is torn?

Meoow I’m quite scared of being put onder narcose, though 🙁 . Veryyy scared, actually. (Yet still I’m pro operating instead of taking pills/chemo/things like that. It’s more natural.) I need Graeyniss Cuddle support 🙁 . Then I’ll feel a lot less tense 🙂 . 

I’m still in bed, but I’m hungry… Meow, I don’t want to get up 🙁 . But my stomach hurts from the hunger, so I’ll have to go downstairs xxx [Need to buy yoghurt and cruesli or ask someone to buy it, for tomorrow or some, since I need to eat varied healthy. But today, it’s tosti time 🙂 .]


18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meow 🙁 

I collapsed earlier today. As I took the tea bag out of my tea and the tosti iron was hot, I noticed my sight started to get blurry. I knew it was because of the hunger, so with my last strength, I quickly put the ham and cheese on top of the slice of white bread, and put the other slice of bread on top of it, while telling myself: I’ll be fine. I’ll make it to the couch and regain my strength there.  I closed the tosti iron and thought: But I need more vitamins, actually. And after it, I will get hungry again… I thought I would never have this anymore. My body became heavier.  I tried to walk out of the kitchen, to the couch, but around the door opening, it became very hard to breathe. I felt that I was about to faint and softly threw myself to the ground, before gravity would. (One of the things I’ve learnt from fainting so often, as a kid.) 

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed. I kept telling myself. “What’s up? Try to get up.” “I need food,” I was able to say. Speaking costs a lot of energy. I crawled onto the couch. She gave me cookies. I was only able to eat in a laying down position. 

I’m so low on energy, still. It has been years since I’ve had a moment like this. I worry about it happening again 🙁 . I need to see doctor Cuddle and my Graeynissis 🙁 . 

When I got myself onto the couch, I first didn’t even have enough strength to change my position. Later I was able to. Even later, I was able to walk to the toilet. After dinner – Jamiro made pasta with Salmon 😻 – I was semi-able to go upstairs to get my phone. Other than that, all I’ve been able to do is lie down. I think the whole situation with my current life, finances and health situation just made my head spin, along with tachycardia. I want my heart rate to slow down a bit 🙁 . (Could we succeed in doing that, by switching to a more calm environment and stuff? If avoiding a medische ingreep is possible, I would like to…) 

Meow I need serious medical assistance, but this country will get me killed 🙁 . My Dutch medical records portray me as the spawn of Satan, and so “health care professionals” treat me as such [as you know, I speak from experience]. In het IJsselland ziekenhuis, for example, October 2016, this motherfucker (I wish I had a license to kill, when I think of him) named Mustafa, who works for Bavo Europoort [which is next to het IJsselland ziekenhuis (the department I ended up at (the closed vicinity))], came for a consult, because I didn’t want to go home [back to unnecessary fights] and I was still in pain. (But het IJsselland ziekenhuis is very small, so their policy is very much oriented on getting beds empty quickly. What my grandfather had, didn’t have to kill him.) The pain made me scream. This kanker idioot told me to act normal, because he was trying to talk to me. And that I should go home to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I replied: “So you spoke to my parents? [I did not tell him it was my mother’s birthday.] I can barely walk.” 

He told the nurses that they should give me lorazepam instead of painkillers (that’s why I want that license) and that I’m not allowed to go to the “psychiatric hospital” myself, but that I should be tied onto a brancard (like a mummy) “because he heard that I’m the type of person who runs away”. [I wonder how many people survive psychiatric hospitals… Those medicines and their treatment is deadly. The mental states they consider so severe, are actually nothing. Those “doctors”, who think that they are “above the mind” should be the patients.] In the way he explained what a psychiatric hospital was, it sounded like it would also be with beds, like in a normal hospital, but then for people who are so crazy that they can’t be in a normal hospital. (The idea freaked me out, but I found it still better than being trapped at home.) 

Stupid flashbacks 🙁 . I’m so tired, still 🙁 . But I haven’t showered in two days.  I feel nastyyy…. I should be careful, though. The density of the air could cause me to faint again. But I don’t want to feel like a nasty cat anymore… I’m Sheba 😋. 

Wish me luck xxxx [I’m “home” alone now…]


20:59 (08:59 PM) 

I made it 🙂 . I’m even more tired now, though. And I’m hungry again 🙁 . I’m such a petje 😽. I’m going to attempt to cook spinach and add it to the pasta. I know it will go so very well with it 😀 . After eating that, I’ll be going to bed. But not before telling you good night and maybe write some other things to you, als ik inspiratie heb haha.


21:24 (09:24 PM) 

This will get me through the night, without me getting hungry, I hope… 

Meow 🙂

I don’t know what to talk about… I feel very powerless in this situation, with the weakness of my body and everything… In between uploading that picture and typing this, I had a short moment of feeling light headed again. Luckily no blurry sight (yet?  🙁 ). Meow 🙁 . 

I often say write, instead of type. That’s because in real life, I adapt my language. It depends on who I’m around. This is a “deeper” form of self-expression. 

Maybe a Cishe would restabilize my heart rate… I really think it would. A Graeyniss companion is what I miss. 

Wat betreft some other writings of mine: often use passive voice to not expose people. Since what is on here, is “engraved into the internet”.

I’m already full 🙁 . But then I’ll get hungry so soon… Ah meow x_x.

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to put this into the fridge and go to bed.

Good night

I love you


21:30 (09:30 PM) 

Aah meow 🙁 . I totally forgot that I have to twist my hair… From sleeping on this, it will get irreversibly tangled:

Meow 🙁 . I feel like wearing a jacket and scarf inside, by the way. This country is far too cold. And artificial heat is not the same… That can’t be healthy…


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Friday, January 4, 2019

00:18 (12:18 AM)

Yesterday’s mission was completed 🙂 . I wrecked my brain doing it, but at least I won’t pressure myself to make a beat myself any time soon now that I uploaded one.  Check it out 😀 .

I’ll be closing things off, finish my pre-bed bread and fruit and set an alarm to call the doctor at 7 AM, hoping that I can get helped today. I already have palpitations thinking of what I should say, when I’m asked why I need to see a doctor.

I’ll be like: *waits until receptionist is done with her introduction* “Ehm… *shaking voice* Goedemorgen, met Dominique Elia… Ik ben geen patiënt bij deze praktijk, maar verblijf voorlopig tijdelijk bij de familie *beep*, die wel bij deze praktijk ingeschreven staat, en zij hebben me geadviseerd [geadviseerd, zo van ik ben echt ziek] om contact met u op te nemen. Op advies van een arts uit Duitsland, moet ik een urinetest doen om te achterhalen waarom er witte bloedcellen in mijn urine zitten en waarom de infectie die zich daarbij voordoet niet weggaat na antibioticakuren. Het was mijn oorspronkelijke intentie om het onderzoek in Duitsland voort te zetten[, omdat ik een trauma heb aan het Nederlandse zorgsysteem]. Nu ik ook erg last heb van koorts, lichaamspijnen overal en andere klachten, heb ik toch helaas sneller hulp nodig. [Even though I was on a path of comitting suicide. I want to experience painless existence, if that’s possible.] Daarom wilde ik vragen of ik de test met ochtendurine bij uw praktijk zou kunnen doen en misschien ook de arts zou mogen spreken.” [Mention: “Ik ga dan dus nu mijn ochtendurine ophouden (en kom er meteen aan).” “Klopt het dat het adres *beep* is?” “Laat de arts alstublieft mijn Nederlandse medische dossier niet als referentiemateriaal gebruiken. Ik neem de onderzoeksresultaten uit Duitsland mee.”]

Oh meow 🙁 . These Cuddlepains 🙁 .

I’m going to shutdown my laptop, shut off everything downstairs and go upstairs to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Good night

I love you

xxx – 

 07:13 (AM) 

Good morning, my Cuddle 

Something typically Fangish happened… I just set my alarm for 7 am, so that I could maybe still be helped today, because of being early, but the practice opens at 8…

I’ll be holding in my morning pee, attempting to sleep until 8. Meoow my temperature feels higher than yesterday 🙁 🙁 . I dreamt that they told me to come on Monday 🙁 . I’m scared I don’t emphasize the seriousness of my case enough 🙁 . I think I’ll start with explaining my health complaints, instead of that officially I’m not a patient there… I’ll keep you posted xxxx


08:32 (AM) 

My dream (of nachtmerrie, beter gezegd) was a sign 🙁 . They said that I need a note of reference from my own phycisian, to see a specialist for that urine test, but that I can still visit for the fever and other health complaints I have now. I told them that that fever is not really that much of a problem – all they can do is give me pills for that, and I don’t want that anyway – so I thanked her and hung up. 

I was about to rid myself of my morning urine, when suddenly I realized contacting my fleh phycisian is inevitable. So I called and explained the thing with the white blood cells. Initially, I was asked to come over on Monday morning. When I mentioned my current health complaints, the receptionist asked if she could call me back, and that she’s going to call another phycisian – not that bitch who called me incompetent, thank god – and that they might have a spot for me around 11 o’clock. I then still rid myself from my morning urine, after asking the receptionist if I should. 

So now I’m waiting for a call back, while finishing my fruit ontbijt.  I don’t know what else to eat yet. 

Cuddle? 🙁


09:14 (AM) 

Oooh my god. It’s not even on Monday that I can be helped.  The receptionist consulted my phycisian, and she finds it weird that the examination wasn’t finished yet [that is such a fucking long story that I just said fucking nothing, because she probably just wants to fucking call me incompetent again godverdomme], so she wants to see me herself and see what’s up with that non-continuance. I do not want to fucking see her. But I have no fucking choice. My palpitations are beating my heart out 🙁 . Grrrr I don’t want to see her, because I might fucking fang her. My life is in her hands and she just keeps fucking claiming that I’m insane.  I feel not taken seriously 🙁 . I wish I had enough money to go to doctor Cuddle 🙁 .  Maybe I should ask someone to bring me to him… Fuck my phycisian, man, that whole fucking practice should be closed. What if she fucking forces me to take antipsychotics again 🙁 . 

I’m so sad 🙁 . I’m going back to bed. Wtf… I might have fucking cancer – there have been found cysts before, and now this infection doesn’t go away – and my body hurts all over, and she’s making me wait for 4 days, while I could have been helped sooner, just because she wants to continue the shit she started last time. I want to fucking emigrate 🙁 . But on this pace, that will take decades. I don’t want to feel pain and negativity anymore 🙁 .


11:37 (AM)

I can’t stop thinking of what happened 🙁 . By my choice of words “and see what’s up with that”, it sounds like she gives a fuck about my health. But this is exactly how it went when she called me incompetent. 

Why I worry about this, was because the receptionist ended the conversation with that I should first do a urine test at the practice, before they might decide to refer me to a specialist. Mijn urine moet op kweek gezet worden, en in Duitsland kon dat gewoon bij de praktijk zelf, maar hier moet je daar blijkbaar voor naar het ziekenhuis. 

Het probleem in Duitsland was dat ik voor mijn verjaardag naar Berlijn was gegaan, en ik twee dagen daarvoor dat doktersadvies kreeg om die ochtendurinetest te doen, maar dat ik toen twee uur bij de artsenpraktijk vandaan verbleef en ik niet zo lang mijn ochtendurine op wilde houden, plus had ik niet genoeg geld voor benzine voor zo veel langeafstandsritten. Met de verwijsbrief van de arts, heb ik geprobeerd om medische hulp te zoeken in Berlijn, maar zonder enig succes,helaas.

Wat betreft mijn medische onderzoeken, krijg ik daar van mijn ouders amper steun in. Net als mijn huisarts, zijn ze veel te eager om me aan de antipsychotia te krijgen. Maar nu ik die aortainsufficiëntie en hartkloppingen heb, mag ik daar niet (eigenlijk nooit, ook door de afwijking die ik heb wat betreft enzymen die medicijnen afbreken) tot gedwongen worden. Dit is in het verleden meerdere malen gedaan, en officieel “waren ze nog niet klaar” met hun treatment, maar iedere keer dat ze me hebben willen ambushen, was ik op tijd “van de aardbodem verdwenen”. 

All that had to happen at that doctor’s practice, is that a phycisian had to give me a note, based on the findings in Germany – that I had to go to Germany for this and pay more than €2000 of my life savings, all because that bitch finds me incompetent, while the second opinion showed that I’m right and she isn’t, is outrageous – and that with that note I could continue the process of making a diagnosis, in a Dutch hospital. I don’t even want to be helped in a Dutch hospital. Especially not the one she will refer me to (location based partnership), where my grandfather died and they put me on the drip without knowing what I have and refused to give me an MRI. 

That the main phycisian, my phycisian, who owns the practice, necessarily wants to see me, instead of the other phycisians who work there, who are available far sooner, is not a good sign. This because one of those other phycisians referred me to the hospital – not my phycisian – and when I was transferred to a mental institution, and I made another appointment to see that same doctor who referred me, in the hope that she would help me prove my case and get me out of that system, I was told that I could see that other phycisian, but at the practice, my own phycisian was suddenly waiting for me, and she said that I’m incompetent and that she wants to speak to those people from the psychiatric industry, to see if they could make the statement of me being incompetent official. 

That she now doesn’t even believe that there are white blood cells in my urine… Even typing in caps lock, wouldn’t express the anger and pain I feel. Why they are still there,  is basically because I would literally rather die than put my fate back in the hands of that psychotic bitch. If she wants to continue her thrill seeking nonsense, in which I could lose all of my rights, and get an IBS, I should start looking for a (BopZ) lawyer… The problem is that I’m extremely broke and my phycisian, my parents and those two mental institutions are one team, and I’m by myself, still actually experiencing The Head Cuddle, but I have to lie about it, to them, because otherwise, they force me to take antipsychotics (I know, because I’ve been stuck in that shit for more than a year). I’ve been telling them all kinds of random shit, most of which not even true, because I was forced to have therapy sessions with them, and they have logged everything. In their way. And I’m not allowed to see it. (One of the things I’d/I’ll tell my lawyer, if I’m able to get one.)

I need eyes on me. If no one supports me and confirms my right – this has to be done by someone other than myself – I might be absorbed by that psychiatric industry again [I’m talking about the experimental world war two [why capital letters] type of shit, modernized], and no one will notice. Just like last time. Things like cameras and other ways of recording are forbidden there, because the things that happen there are so inhumane. Ik zit er ook niet op te wachten om weer tussen TBS’ers te komen zitten. 

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night, because I worried about my dependency on these health care people – en die zorgen waren terecht – so at some point I decided to look at old pictures on my phone. 

I so love the Google Photos app!! Even pictures that were made with phones I now don’t even have anymore, are still backed up on this device. 

In the timeline of my pictures, it’s visible that I was fully offline, when I was stuck under surveillance: [I made screen shots of the pictures I want to show you 🙂 ]

The things I was going through, I didn’t want to share with those who gossip, and I was very afraid of the consequences of recording those inhumane circumstances

Those random pictures from May, were because my PR business was on a budget the way D.O.C.I.S. International is, and I needed simple background pictures I intended to edit. 

This is what I intended to do, in 2017, but then my father refused to invest in me, and my B couldn’t be my subject for that Georgia Tech assignment anymore 🙁

TimeHeroine stood for “heroes of time”, as well as click bait, but those psychiatry motherfuckers thought I was taking hard drugs… Fucking dumb psychotic bastards…

My old business card 🙂

My sister and I, in Nassau, on the Bahamas, in the Summer of 2016

Againn look at us being Cuddle… That psychiatry shit has driven us apart, now that everyone is educated to tell me that changing the world is impossible and I will never see my B 🙁

My old glasses 😀 . I miss them… And that used to be my favorite shirt.

Here I was even younger

And here’s post-psychiatry me…

Other pictures I took, when I uploaded that Instagram picture

The type of face I make when I correct myself

That full picture I put on Instagram. My account is deleted now. No regrets 🙂

My transfer ticket, when I went from Baltimore to Miami

I was fang flexing. Miami gave me a tan

Me when I started working, right after coming back from the US

Me around the end of the Summer season… In the beginning, I was eager to speak to clients, but the way it’s uncertain what type of person I’ll speak to – someone normal and polite, or some wild sensation seeker who wants to rage at me [that “is normal”, in that industry] – was having a very bad influence on my heart

I worry about if my phycisian will ask me what I do for a living. I’m not earning from my websites, so that doesn’t count at all. I don’t want to go back to school and I don’t want to apply for routinous jobs – but with my diplomas and age, that’s all I can apply for – so she might use that to back up her case of me being incompetent 🙁 . I would literally rather die than do that meaningless routinous nonsense. I would do that, if they threaten to put me under surveillance again. 


13:28 (01:28 PM) 

Oh my god 🙁 . So not only do I have an aortic insufficiency of the first degree and very regular palpitations… I also have tachycardia 🙁 . [If my heart rhythm were to be stabilized, would my aortic valve then close again?] My mother just texted me, that the bill from doctor Cuddle’s practice came in, and that includes the listing of a diagnosis I did not know of yet. 

How the fuck am I still alive…

Causes for it must be being underfed [I often starve myself, when there’s no healthy food to eat. Like today. And yesterday… I couldn’t even eat a quarter of that kapsalon we had for dinner], stress, anxiety, (formerly) cannabis [if I knew, I would have quit smoking earlier], alcohol [not that much…?], the pain I’m in, that infection in my body, all of those fucking antipsychotics, and maybe I have Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, since I used to faint a lot as a kid, and now I often have loss of muscle strength. 

Why do I have bad luck so often? 🙁 The amount of figurative “slap in the face”-moments, in a day, where things play out in my disadvantage, is unhealthy 🙁 . I don’t want this anymore 🙁 . 

For my heart rhythm to ever be stabilized, I need to have these Graeynissis in my life. I feel legally unsafe without them, because I can be captivated by those psychiatry people whenever. Also, when it comes to love and being able to express myself: I can only truly do that with them. Those who can live in life’s routine, without wanting to die, have a different way of being themselves and a different view on what love is. To them, all might seem good “again”, when I’ve gotten myself behind a desk in some office. That while in my view, it’s the most unbearable and painful situation I could ever be in. I think my Graeynissis can understand that feeling of hidden inner panic – because you have to stay professional [something I’ve unfortunately passed on this blog plenty of times now] – that comes with being trapped in such a situation. I think they can also understand why I find that to this day, I live through a situation of injustice. Only if I were to have cheering fans, my name might be able to be cleared. Please be my wild Graeyniss? 🙁 

Als ik tachycardie heb, had die persoon die een hartfilmpje maakte, in dat gesticht, om te “bewijzen” dat ik die kut pillen in kon nemen, dat toch ook gewoon moeten kunnen zien, trouwens? Dat is moord… Daar zaten er, naast geen THC, trouwens ook zowel witte als rode bloedcellen in mijn urine. 

l’m so tired, but I can’t sleep, because of the pain 🙁 . Cuddle me pleaseee 🙁 .


18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Heeyy ♥

I’ve been able to sleep a bit, but I’m still a tired petje. Tomorrow is the first weekend of 2019. I want my situation to be at least a slight improvement, but how can I do that? 🙁 I’m still living in someone else’s house… Here I’m more safe than at home, when it comes to psychiatry, because the people who monitor me, have the Rotterdam region as their territory. 

But I’m so unproductive, when it comes to having a reason to get out of bed every morning – that is something I do miss, but I want it to be for an occupation that suits me – my life is far from what it should be. It feels far too “being a couch potato”, to now again spend tomorrow indoors and the day after as well, while the family here has been working all week. 

Having an occupation that allows me to leave my bed and house each day, will get me more respect – respectlessness and people assuming that I’m stupid, because I don’t do regular proletarian shit, is soooo very frustrating [ik zou het zo fijn vinden als ik terecht met “u” aangesproken zou worden. Dan voel ik me ook comfortabeler in “u” zeggen… It will also feel quite sexy… This respectful tone combined with mutual attraction 😻. Haha I’m random 😀 ]  – but my health [and depression, but please do not tell those psychiatry people that… They can’t keep me because of that anyway, because their pills and shit conversation won’t change that I prefer death over a proletarian life and when I attempted to commit suicide, when I was in that institution (it was that hell-ish), they kept going on with the schizophrenia bullshit and did not even try to recall and help the reason why I tried. She just called it “wanhoop” [because I feared never being able to save myself from their surveillance, and she was basically right]. I’ve never heard anything more heartless…] limit(s) me in what I’m able to endure. I feel constant pains – for quite a couple of months now, and it becomes worse every day – and get tired very fast [probably because of my heart condition and the infection]. 

If there’s one thing that can get proletarians pissed, it’s saying that you have a health issue that keeps you in your bed all day, while it seems like you function normally. Then it always leads to: “Yeah well everyone wants to lay in bed all day.  I had/have *long dramatic story about health complaints of that person [still not comparable to what I have]* and I still go to work every day.” Ah meoow how do I get a house in a secluded and noiseless area?  🙁 I don’t want to hear TV or people citing TV ever again, unless it’s something from me and/or my Graeynissis… Or see signs of people “living the TV life” [I mean spending most of free time with self in front of that screen, not truly thinking].

All I’ve eaten today is a bunch of kiwis, an apple and a granola bar – that bread with cheese, bread with sausage and kiwis before going to bed last night, I don’t really count, because my digestive system seems to never stop, and I was hungry again after a few hours already. It feels like the semi-natural edible products I can eat, from supermarkets and/or toko’s [very not good for the environment, by the way…], I’ve eaten so often already, the thought of buying groceries literally makes me feel like vomiting [but I hold it in, just like my tears]. As if it can still give me scheurbuik. I did think of buying some exotic vegetables at the toko, but I’m completely out of money [okay I have €25 cash, but that will probably be used for travelling expenses 🙁 ] and with the current state of my health, I cannot go outside. Too much pain, fatigue and high temperature. Deze bewegingshoofdpijn is echt vervelend 🙁 .

So I now risk some serious nutritional problems I can’t solve. The solution lies in emigrating to California [and growing my own fruit and vegetables], but I currently don’t even have money to travel to whatever workplace I need to work at least 40 hours per week at, to be able to somehow afford to emigrate. Ah meow 🙁 .

I need to invoke a shift in this deadly situation of mine, but how? I wish I could receive the honor of getting some of a Graeyniss’ free time in real life (again) 🙁 . I miss these Sweetnissis 🙁 .

It, by the way, feels far too random to lay sick in bed all day, in not “my own house”. But I’m so tired of my father raising his voice at me, because I “don’t have a fucking job”.


20:48 (08:48 PM) 

I just ate a piece of a mandarine. A part of it was starting to grow fungi, so I skipped that part. Meoow I need my own house 🙁 . I’m not very able to go downstairs and socialize. I also feel bad for not contributing to the household and being a bedpet all day. Not that I would receive complaints about that. Not here. In “my own home” [I can better say “my “father”‘s home”], I do get complaints about that. I think that’s why I now always feel pressure, when I’m laying in bed around not-bedtime-hours. 

Light makes my headache worse, too. I feel like a bit of a creep laying here all day and then going downstairs at night, like a bat

Will fate continue to turn my life into more of a complete hell, more than it already was, somehow [compared to what I used to say about my path growing up… I never expected my life to become this, all because I thought I could trust certain (health) care parties]? Everyone can read what injustice I’m living through, and solving this in a way we could both benefit from it is very easy, as I have explained it plenty of times now, yet still I’m left for dead. That hurts me the most 🙁 . 

My form of social anxiety is keeping me trapped in bed [but giving a speech wouldn’t frighten me at all]. I’ll have to go downstairs, because I’m far too hungry, but it just doesn’t feel right 🙁 . 

Why aren’t we real life Cuddles? 🙁 


21:21 (09:21 PM) 

I’m still in bed… I added some text to “Van mezelf tot mezelf”. 

By the way, what I had to think of, when I was not typing text on here, is how unhealthy (Dutch) hospital food is. Especially in the institution. It was the same menu every week and it included sooo many artificial sweeteners. [Yet still I always looked forward to “salmon with mashed potatoes, spinach, butter sauce and a lemon slice”-day… It was the most edible of all menu options. On your birthday, you get a special container with (hard, cold and sour) fruit.] Meoow I don’t want to experience coming Tuesday. I’m in doubt if I would rather die or not. That fleh has contributed to my PTSS, and I wish to ne-ver see her again. I go crazy (with hidden inner rage), thinking of seeing and hearing her.  I reallyyy don’t want to see her 🙁 .

My mother says that she’s willing to take me to doctor Cuddle. There, too, I feel ve-ry uncomfortable of the thought of having to explain why I want to make the appointment [why do people not just read my blog and let me know about that… Then our conversations could be so much deeper 🙂 ], in semi-German/English… 🙁 I’m in full bed pet mode 🙁 . This is all too much shit 🙁 .

The conversation could have been like: (*I call* *phone number is recognized?*) “Met Dominique” “Door je dagboek verwachtte ik je telefoontje al. Je staat ingepland op zaterdag om 9 uur ‘s ochtends” [Bij wijze van… In Duitsland kan ik op zaterdag terecht…] “Dat is geweldig! Dankjewel! *Stelt misschien nog wat in-dept medische vragen/vragen over de afspraak, als de tijd en het karakter van degene die ik aan de lijn heb dat toelaten* [niet iedere werknemer wil moeite doen]” [Dat doe je ook niet elke dag… Ik denk dat mijn statistieken afwijken door het refreshen.] [Voor “u” heb ik esn eigen huis nodig, nietwaar? Is mijn dagboek te moeilijk voor wat ik beschreef in italics?]


22:07 (10:07 PM) 

Another reason for me to not attempt to go downstairs, is my loss of muscle strength, combined with my fear of falling down the stairs. I already have a headache… But for the sake of not passing out and/or tachycardia “taking the best of me”, I’m going to eat something… Hunger makes my English lazy…