Ex Animo, Polls, Random questions, Reflections

I want to C you

Actually, this is not much of a poem. More uncontrolled prose.

Over 550 blog posts, all written from the perspective of my eyes. Are they not provocative enough? 🙁 I can’t hear you. Why?

Over 206,000 / 206.000 (two hundred and six thousand) [international writing] words, written in the perspective from me to you. You, whose beautiful eyes are going over this page. What do you see?

Are you A, B or C?

I want to know. Not only your perspective. Also the perspective “you to me”.

I hope it’s different from what I’m used to. I hope you’re C.

You see, I can’t hear people’s internal dialogues when they talk to me. But I can estimate them by asking questions and reading their body language.

My powers never reach the core, though I try. What is going on in your outmost personal layer? Especially now that my writing has reached it, but I haven’t. (Not yet? 🙂 )

Why I want to know? Because I’m an ambitious, affectionate and cuddly person and I want to know if you’re that person too. Society doesn’t embrace that openness, but we should.

When I study anyone’s behavior, I see their attitude towards the world. But I can’t see if they’re A, B or C, without getting hurt. I’ve never reached the core.

What is your attitude towards me? A, B or C?

The Cuddle

“I really admire her. I love what she’s doing. I wish I could do it myself.

Where her theories come from, I don’t know. I need more proof to be able to trust it. My own life would become damaged if I go all-in on this and it turns out to not be feasible. Like could it still all be schizophrenia and not real? I can’t imagine that that could be the case, but still can’t rule it out if I haven’t seen her theories in practice. Why did she exactly become labeled as a schizophrenic anyway? I still have the feeling that there’s a lot more to that story.

Everything that is going on in this world makes it hard for me to trust. Media accusations versus personal counter-accusations. That that will ever be something of the past? The future she portrays sounds too good to be true. I want to believe in it so much, but my heart would become irreparably damaged if I would trust this and it turns out not to be true.

I wouldn’t be able to formulate any theories like hers myself, but if they’re true, I could learn them and implement them in my life. I could use her theories to realize my own dreams and make a living from that. I would love to move to Planet Fang. It feels like there, eternal love and eternal happiness really do exist.

Privacy wise I have nothing about me she may not know. I would love to be her (social) research subject, sharing my thoughts with her, to improve life on Planet Fang. I think I could realize my dreams, doing what I want in life and also being part of D.O.C.I.S. International.”


The Demon

“I want to have sex with her. I want to do that every day. But I can’t love. I don’t love her. Though she should love me so that I can have her with me for the rest of my life. I will tell her I love her so that she will tell me the same.

To let her become the royalty she wants to be? No. I will make sure that that won’t happen. If there’s anyone who deserves to be the last new royalty introduced to the world, it’s me. I want the money and fame. If she gets it before me then I will make sure that I’m with her when it happens and eventually cause her downfall and say that I was the mastermind behind everything.

She says that she wants to create a better world blah blah. We all know that that is not realistic. Because the whole world is like me and I love to watch people clash. If it doesn’t happen naturally then I’ll cause it. It’s my favorite topic of conversation. Life is boring without clashes.

Haha that she’s diagnosed with schizophrenia is great news to me.  It’s hilarious, really. And that she went missing and that that went viral and stuff hahaha. She’s always emphasizing that she is a good person and now all of that effort was all for nothing. She’s a demon too and I will get her to confess this, to seal the fact that she’ll never make it. I can’t wait to dry her tears of failure.

If I’m jealous of her? Nooo she shouldn’t think that she’s better than I. I don’t really understand most of her theories, but I still memorize everything so that I can make it look like I’m the mastermind behind D.O.C.I.S. International, when the time is right.

I will lie about my personality in her research so that I can gain access to the highest layers of Planet Fang. That is what my talent is: using sneak tactics to climb up the ladder.

Life should stay exactly like it is.  I have it good and she may not have it better than I. If she gets money then I want to get it too. Love does not exist. I love her deception, acting like she can improve the world. If I can’t improve the world, then no one can. I don’t want to see anyone get successful with that.”


The Graeyniss

“I love her. I’m in love with her. We’re soul mates. But I don’t tell her this. I’m afraid she will reject me. I’d rather not let my dreams of using my intelligence to destroy the system together with the love of my life come true and find happiness in her online reality, than feel the eternal sting of her potential rejection. Even though it’s just a probability statement.

I can relate to every single word she writes and/or says. It’s like she speaks of my life instead of hers. I have felt so alone in my intelligence for so long. I can’t believe that she’s real. This is more mental comfort than I could have ever asked for. This is what I have missed all my life. Now I know that I’m not alone.

I have a lot of self-formulated theories, too. Some are similar to hers, some are different. Intelligent people often make the same observations and realizations.

That I could start a new life with her sounds like an absolute dream. But it’s such a great risk for my current career and my family. Even though these attachments are just mental concepts. I should choose me, like she says I should. Chances are high that we will be successful. That we will write history… I want my name in the history books too, as part of her story…

I’m afraid that my emotional problems will make her run away from me like other people in my life do. But she sounds like it will actually draw us closer and make us stronger than we already are. Fully immune against demons.

From her words it sounds like our attraction will be mutual. But that really sounds too good to be true. Either way, life is so boring and I really want the challenge she offers. I want to be part of the board of D.O.C.I.S. International.”

What will be the future of us?

If you’re A, I would allow you to live on Planet Fang. I would absolutely love to meet you. I find it important to know how I can make my stratrgies better suit your ambitions, so that my power on Planet Fang will not bother you. We will not physically spend eternity together, for if you can’t formulate theories like mine by yourself I will have so much to explain and that will hold me back, but mentally we will still always be together. You will be in my thoughts often. Your life on Planet Fang will be the best ever.

If you’re B, you will not gain access to Planet Fang. You’re a disease to good people. I can’t wait to kill you with my bare hands. The next war this world will know will be the war against you and your fellow demons.

If you are C, I love you just as much as you love me. We are complements. I can’t even be successful without you and I don’t want to do this without you, even if I could! You have the intelligence and affection I need.

Would you vote honestly if you knew that your choice could mean instant death? I’ll classify the world in A, B, C, regardless if you vote or not, for your digital footprint reveals enough, and my A’s and C’s will live their best lives.

The featured image is from

Blog, Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy


About what?

From Project Nosce Te Ipsum to the Economics and Law that constitute Planet Fang… I’ll explain E-VE-RY-THING (including my communication strategies) in this group chat!!! 🙂

And you can ask me anything :D. I can also remove you from the chat if you’re not interested (anymore) :).

Please make a Twitter account, if you do not have that 🙂 .

Check out @LilFangs_’s Tweet:

It’s lit 😀

I just created this poll and wanted to share that with the people I follow on the social network, which caused me to create a group chat.

And now I’ll use it to give lectures about D.O.C.I.S. International [Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem] 🙂 .

The spontaneous fun we could have here makes me want to do nothing else than this 🙂 .

It never ends! 😀

Change of Spontaneous Plans

It will work better on a different platform, with people who already have some background knowledge about my endeavors.

Lil Fangs
Art, Audio, Blog, Donation Forms, Ex Animo, Images, Interest & Money in Perspective, Interviews, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, The General Theory of Employment, Tips, Uncategorized, Videos

Dominique Daniëlle Elia CV (curriculum vitae) in het Nederlands

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

Praesens (D.O.C.I.S. International)


Algemene persoonsgegevens

Geboortedatum: 1 november 1996 (22 jaar)

Geboorteplaats: Rotterdam

E-mailadres: (persoonlijk)

Adres: XXXXXXXXXX Capelle aan den IJssel


Persoonlijke doelen


Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.

Korte termijn doelen

  • (Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
  • Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
  • Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
  • Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.



  • Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium

Behaald in 2016

Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica

  • The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree

Nog niet behaald

Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde


  • British Council
    • Cambridge First Certificate English
  • European Piano Teachers Association
    • Niveau C2
  • Basis Flight Simulator certificaat


  • Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente

augustus 2013 – september 2016

Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.

  • Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)

juni 2016 – september 2016

Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.

  • Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)

september 2016 – december 2017

Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.

  • D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)

juli 2018 – heden

Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.

  • ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener

augustus 2018 – september 2018

Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.

Overige (Informele) Ervaring

  • Ervaring met koken

Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.

  • Ervaring met lesgeven

Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.

  • Ervaring als model

Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.

  • Ervaring als actrice/figurant
    • Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)



ISBN: 9789082936803

Gepubliceerd op 24 september 2018

Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.

ISBN: 9789082936810

Gepubliceerd op 30 september 2018

Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.

ISBN: 9789082936834

Gepubliceerd op 30 november 2018

Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.

ISBN: 9789082936896

Gepubliceerd op 30 januari 2019

Een lang essay over een non-cijfermatig algoritme voor levensverbetering en de toepassing hiervan.

ISBN: 9789082936889

Gepubliceerd op 30 maart 2019

De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.

Long-read Artikelen

Publicatiedatum: 28 februari 2019

Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.

Publicatiedatum: 15 april 2019

Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.


Positief Negatief
Communicatief sterk Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen (Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies



In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.

Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.

Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog 🙂 ).

If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂

Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum, Polls, Popular Posts

What is your personal life time income?

Mine is €7.473.878,-. (But this number is solely based on the incoming and outgoing payments of my main bank account, so the official number – which is still being calculated – will be more or less.)

A personal life time income is the total amount of money added to your bank acount(s), over your entire life span.

It’s a funny trick to show how worthless money actually is 🙂 .

How much are all of our lives literally worth? What would that say about the status Earth’s resources?

I suppose the number would say as less as the status is severe. That’s why we should transition to the Fangyist financial model.

It will be included in the third book of Nosce Te Ipsum. I hope you’ll get calculating and share your intel with me 🙂 .

Since what we’re doing to our planet is destructive to nature, the amount of access an individual has to resources, really has to be calculated differently. Is should be calculated in a sustainable way. Like in the Fangyist system, for example 🙂 .

Change will come, soon. Are you interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International?

The featured image is from Pixabay.

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Recipes

Sunday, September 16, 2018

11:18 (AM) 

My Cuddleeeee <3

Goede bijna middag 😀

How’s your weekend? 

If you’re new to Welcome, new Cuddle! <3 Thank you for your engagement <33

Yesterday, an impulse made me do some pre-marketing. I hope this will help increase web-traffic when the official release date is. (Because then, I’ll do it again. It will then, for some, not be the first time you come across a personal ad.)

I’m showing you my drafts and process, for the things we can learn from them. 

The emptiness of my stomach woke me up this morning. I later fell asleep again. I want to eat something tasty, with true nutritional value. The shops in my neighborhood are closed today, because this is “a Christian neighborhood” [I am not a Christian, but I do sympathize with the basic aspects of showing and perceiving love that is “part of religion” (in general)].

I decided on going to Erasmus today, to work on my statistics assignment. Hopefully, afterwards, I’ll be able to write some. [They say: “Don’t give away your location.”….. But it’s only to my Cuddle?]

I still need to eat something… The internet says the university food court is open¿ But I won’t make it there if I don’t eat something before I start cycling… 

12:27 (PM) 

I’m searching for better conversationalists in my daily life… People ask me to hang out via text, but for me to say yes to this without regret [and then actually do it ;)], the conversation in which this person proposes to hang out, should at least be half as interesting… I mean, what are we actually talking about? Is the conversation helping us forward? Mostly it’s just me asking questions I actually already know their answer to. With most people who are not that interested in finding their purpose and doing good, I would rather not interact with at all. I’ll be thinking about the future of my projects while they try to discuss what was[¿¿¿ how’s that interesting?] on tv, with me. Ugh and then there’s the dudes asking me for pictures and shit -.-”

Save me, my Graeyniss <3 :[. Please make a power move on me, hehe. 

I want to make music with you and write together and discuss our futures and talk about our roles in the project and do business together and cuddleeee <3

Just left the shower :D. 

I’ll make myself some pourridge… I don’t know what else I should eat? 

13:39 (01:39 PM) 

Haha mid-eating

I used corn flour (the sandy texture type), a sack of vanilla sugar, a teaspoon with normal sugar, raisins, vanilla essence, almond essence and a tiny bit of butter. 

Haha I wonder how large the “I prefer to use a different web browser” audience is. Be my Cuddle 😀 <3

I’ve been FB marketing in Zuid-Holland, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Milan, Los Angeles, New York, Washington, São Paulo, Paramaribo, Toronto and Miami :]. “Twenty euros well spent¿”

16:45 (04:45 PM) 

I already finished the rest of my assignment, played some more zombies @ Pixel Action Heroes and ate “fried egg with nothing” (melt butter in pan, add egg + salt (and random spices)). After doubting whether I should take a jacket with me or not (I’m not), I am now going to “air up” my tyres and start cyclingg.  

I just found out that I’m allowed to drive a tractor? Haha. 

Before I left, I also unsubscribed my grandfather from the Vara gids. 

17:41 (05:41 PM) 

Some things I can’t share here anymore due to the “reefer madness” level of reasoning of some parties in my “close social environment”. 

18:23 (06:23 PM) 

There was a folder with the old Nosce Te Ipsum episode on my computer? Grrrrrrrr

The new one I still have though haha

Protect my external hard drive? 

There to the right is a video of me throwing away the stack of aripiprazol* before going to the counter to print my boarding pass etc

My desktop :p

Is het een “s t r a a t v e r b o d”?? [Does that exist in every country?]

Has anyone seen my B?  :[

Haha even serieus¿¿

Een samenvatting van wat ik weet is [what multiple people have told me]:

“Je hebt je moeder heel erg aan het huilen gemaakt. We hebben allemaal een bericht van een Facebookpagina gedeeld (????????) [heeft er iemand een screenshot? Ik heb het nooit gezien]. Het ging echt viral haha oh my god. Toen jij gezocht werd, werd Benoît ook gezocht.”

ANDERE DETAILS WAREN AL VERGETEN, IS MIJ VERTELD :D. EN DAN WORDT HET RAAR GEVONDEN DAT IK ER NOG AAN DENK? IK HAD EEN PUBLIC RELATIONS BEDRIJF. But now I know: “To make it, I don’t have to make it here.” [I JUST MADE THAT UP.] Haha just go international from the start :D. 

He is/was [will I ever see him again¿] my only outspoken cooperative Graeyniss this far, in the physical realm… Without this project succeeding, I’ll be in biiig trouble when it comes to getting out of student debt while living a life I want to live. 

But without my B, I’ll never be able to fully succeed :[. I have the strategy, he has a better network than I have… Plus, he’s so Cuddle :D. 

Haha is this “different in a random way” for putting this on Facebook? 


As in my audience is anonymous? 

Let’s do something¿

Ah meoow but that’s why I’m writing this book. I always make the first move -.-”

Surprise me by making the first move :D. That would make me so happy… 

In any other case, I’ll be writing for mass engagement 😀

19:53 (07:53 PM) 

Κην υου ριεδ Κυδδλε? 😀 <3


Κην υου???

I voted “Yes” :D. You can already vote, if you like… 

The second option will become “No”, when I get home. I made this poll on my phone, and on that I can’t seem to be able to change the answer text for the radio buttons. 

20:05 (08:05 PM) 

I already finished the parts of writing I wanted to do here today. Yay :D. It’s more fun when it’s done :D. Then we can Cuddleee…

* Their test format, with reference to the previous picture, was….

Okay, look…

When you’re near me, you can sometimes clearly see my skull move. And I said: “Every time you see my skull move, I hear his voice. That is something I like [a lotttttttt].” I said that “in confidence”. That back-fired big time. 

Their “research format” (*”barf”*) was: 

“Do you hear voice?” 

  • Yes = pills
  • No = no pills

    “In the beginning”, after my sister, parents and I came back from the EHBO and all of a sudden there were two “psychiatrists” in my bedroom, I didn’t talk. I don’t remember the first time I took their medication, but after I was found after having been missing, at least twice a week there were “doctors” in my house. I told them I didn’t want their “help” and denied their medication. I kept denying that I heard a voice, even though I hear one through the movement of my skull [You can seriously feel it… But calling me crazy would be “the easy way out”]. 

    After a few MONTHS and their frequent visits, I decided to change my script, hoping that they would then fucking stop wanting to talk to me and call me crazy. This one “psychiatrist on nurse level” (“VERPLEEGKUNDIGE”) said: “Yes, you can really trust me. I will not consider it impossible and base my diagnosis on that.” 

    AND THEN SHE DID :D. “Brain-to-brain communication is not real”, they say… 

    [BUT I CAN PROVE IT!! If ANYONE would let me. Just for one hug from him?]

    I then started with fluanxol. The muscle stiffness was ve-ry heavy on me. 

    While on medication [haldol, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes.” (Ik kreeg een “kaakklem”. That is where you lose control of your jaw and tongue muscles and can’t stop sticking out your tongue and showing your teeth, to pull them back in and do the same thing again. Uncontrollable. They gave me an antidote?)

    New type of medication [risperidon, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes. Also, I WANT TO DIE.” [In Erasmus Medisch Centrum, I tried to kill myself. (But they take away sharp things etc… As you can see, I didn’t succeed.) But many patients there HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.] 

    New type of medication, because the two-week meds test trial ended: 

    Off medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.]  “We still want you to take medication for at least a year, since “you are a schizophrenic”.”

    Very fakely on medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.] “Great! Now you only have to do a blood test [but apparently this was going to be a frequent thing] and visit us once a week.” If I didn’t, they would start a court case against me. The first blood test, I took an overdose the day before (and lied to the “”friend” of my parents who was their messenger, asking me shit when I broke contact with them” about taking them D A I L Y like I was ORDERED TO) 

    21:07 (09:07 PM) 

    I just came back home. Haha my entire personal life is public :D. I like transparency. The Dutch / they say: “Don’t tell anyone personal things. You might be assassinated for it.” 

    You knew I was at the university¿

    Haha it was Cuddle :D. 

    I might finish my heartache story after “dinner”. This was in the old Nosce Te Ipsum. Should I include it?? 😀 Should I include them both?? 😀 Episode 1 and 2, previously deleted… 

    I’ll check my external hard drive!! 

    I’ll allow (haters) + people who understand my writing to propose corrections and then allow my hand-picked Cuddles to accept or decline them AND PUBLISH THEM WITH COMMENTS???. I don’t let my book be proofread. (Because of slow reading for misplaced commas and other nonsense and wanting to be Cuddles fast + it’s my book so if you want to write, write your own book :D.)

    I wonder what my web-traffic increase is 😀

    I made this in the Erasmus hospital. It was a “creativity assignment”. (THE HUMILIATION.)

    It says:

    1. Getting the fuck out of here. (Before Christmas. All of us.)
    2. (Contributing to) eternal peace
    3. Moving to a different country

      In Cuddle :D. 

      22:46 (10:46 PM) 

      My battery is going to die. I’ll be playing Pixel Action Heroes in my bed. 

      I love you, my Cuddle

      Good night


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      Thursday, September 6, 2018

      11:53 (AM)

      Good morning!  <3

      How’s your day this far?

      My day is...
      9 votes · 9 answers

      Today, I’ll be working on my websites and Episode 1. (This is “a one woman show” I case you didn’t know this yet :D. I want this to change…) 

      14:08 (02:08 PM) 

      My new wig was delivered yesterday. I just tried it on :D.

      I just decided to go to the supermarket. (I don’t like being in public that much (when I’m not with a (true) Graeyniss).) It’s raining like crazy, so I’m going by car. (Even if it wouldn’t be raining loooool.) 

      I made these pics a while back btw:

      14:48 (02:48 PM) 

      Right now, I’m eating some left over noodles. This is my first meal of the day. (My eating rhythm has been twisted like that all my life.) In the store, I didn’t really “come prepared” (as in I hadn’t made a shopping list), so I just bought things in the categories “dinner” and “breakfast”: unfrozen potatoes cut into the shape of fries, a zucchini, tomatoes and long shaped red paprika’s (the label says “pepper”, but a tomato is more spicy (and smaller) !!!! [Which is why I bought it]) two packs of diced uncooked chicken (?) for my sister and her boyfriend (? but she later ended up eating at his place and then she called me to ask if I could give her a ride home. I don’t know where her boyfriend lives (and no) [I added this part in between brackets after cooking]) 

      So, as I usually do after “breakfast” (since my contract has ended and I thus don’t have to be around people): I’m going to roll a joint and smoke it haha. (Normally it was “after work” or “whenever my parents are not around”.)

      My Cuddle :[

      I see there are more people with “un-cuddle” days compared to those with “awesome” days right now :[. We shouldn’t feel un-cuddle!!!! By working together, we’ll change this!  <3

      Before I mentioned public Cuddles yesterday, I mentioned private Cuddles. This because for you, as a Graeyniss, doing anything that has anything to do with someone who has “Lil” in the name, could harm your reputation for all eternity. And this while it doesn’t say ANYTHING about BOTH YOU AND ME!!!! 

      18:04 (06:04 PM) 

      Here’s “a current overview” of the new Nosce Te Ipsum :D.


      I just received the Fashion Nova package :]

      Here’s my discount code, by the way: (does it still work?) 


      This was yesterday:

      [Costs of holiday vs what I’ve earned at the ANWB………………]

      Some tea?

      I picked this one. (Haha the mess…….)

      I still haven’t decided on the exact release date yet. 24 hours before the websites will go out of maintenance mode, there will be a countdown clock on a black screen. During this period, I will actively market on Instagram (and Facebook……….??? (I don’t want to…) My audience doesn’t like Facebook that much… The “Facebook” audience isn’t my audience, I think…). I could say “Nudge A Graeyniss”? My audience on Instagram isn’t that big either… 

      Why can’t we be Cuddles, my Graeyniss? :[ 

      Haha “Ik wil niet vervelend doen ofzo hoor, maar…. ” Please do it…. (Is it in your IP address?) 

      The adventure :D. The thrill :D. Life is too short to stay inside and watch Netflix, to me!!!! 

      More questions??? 

      Haha please nudge a Graeyniss! The only way to allow the audience to grow, is through the website itself… You don’t click on ads. Or come across them often? 

      Scroll down very fast, if you don’t yet want to know what will be revealed after the coming online of and Docis.International. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but due to certain private circumstances, I am being prohibited from communicating with the rest of The Council. [Does that sound familiar in a different context…? You know what’s up :D.] Only through the words on these pages they can oversee my part of our business spectrum. 

      — SPOILER ALERT!! (DON’T LOOK!!) —- 

      My Cuddle…

      The new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1 has an extended and more targeted fill-in-the-gap-story. By participating, depending on the level you choose, you get the title of Practitioner or Illuminatus Intelligens.

      There should be an app for this, which gives you the overview of the goodness in you. Every moment of the day. For now, it’s only pen and paper (which is mandatory for Illuminatus Intelligens). Your progress in getting the Nosce Te Ipsum certificate, your location at all times (for Council members, who receive the corresponding watch), the daily status of your finances, literature adapted to your preference, access to our games, music and videos, etc. 

      I am so exhausted, my Meow :[. This is my last chance ;(.

      [To Be Continued]


      *Un-cuddle thought popping up* The “emergency plan” of the Dutch government really reminds me of Pompeï (Pompeii?). They teach you from birth, basically: “When the alarm goes off, go inside and close all of your doors and windows.” This reminds me of that South Park episode [father and ex watch(ed) this a lot] where they say: “When lava approaches, hide underneath the sheets.” The alarm is not there to announce a war, even though that’s what they say it’s for. When the water levels get too high, you need to run to the highest building possible? Have more broad roads for emergency transportation of definitely more than a million people… It depends on how high the water level gets… The last time this happend was in 1953, right? Haha I want to be able to be out of this country within 20 seconds when this happens :D. 

      Sometimes I get “breaking news” through the car radio as well. I heard them say “The solution to the too great amount of CO2 in the air is to construct an underground matte/mat that will block this.”

      HAHA HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SOLVING THE PROBLEM? The tap water here is filtered rain + ground water, right…? The issues of 17 million+ people on a post stamp size of land. 

      For some reason I want to “know more”… 

      “Halen doelstelling twee graden opwarming wordt lastig” = “To conform to the agreement made about the 2 degrees Celcius increase in heat will be a tough one” (This is a “free translation”. Your translator will show a literal translation, which doesn’t include certain cultural assumptions given by the Dutch text (like the “Celcius”).)

      “Vermindering vervuiling kan zeespiegelstijging remmen” = “Decrease of pollution could slow down the increase of the water levels” HAHA NEWsssssss. IT HAS THE WORD “NEW” IN IT. THIS IS WHAT YOU LEARN IN KINDERGATTEN?????? (“They should know, because then our children could save us.”) Ciaooo :D. Notice the “slow down”????????? 😀

      My Graeyniss, when are we leaving?  😀

      It wouldn’t surprise me for the survivors, who would need to know WAAAAAAAY in advance, to sell “(Underwater) Atlantis Water Tours”. 

      It would be very predictable for a dumb, superficial person to here say that government related worry is because of a mental illness. THINK A-FUCKING-GAIN. 

      Mogen alleen Ridders naar de Olympus, wanneer “Het Deltaplanmoment” zich opnieuw voordoet? Dit in combinatie met de huidige status van de opwarming van de aarde. 

      We should create Planet Fang together!! The numbers on the previously shown image represent neighborhoods. IT’S AN ISLAND.


      Would you like to be a hyped Graeyniss at The Fangs Tea Party? 

      I can not see who votes. I only see the same results as you do. 

      Would you like to be a hyped Graeyniss at The Fangs Tea Party?
      46 votes · 46 answers

      After the re-release of Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, I would like to intimately celebrate this with a “tea party”. I hope this sounds innocent enough for you to attend, my Graeyniss. 

      You can come over as late as you want. There will be meals, appetizers and snacks. Apart from discussing the content of the episode, we could dance, play video games and – of course! – put our heads together [until it forms one hahahaha (and then there are people who think I’d seriously believe that that is possible… Help :D)] and construct our partnership in such a way everyone who contributes is taken into consideration! Other than that the Tea Party is there to celebrate our future. Yes, “celebrate our future”. I have never heard that ever before!

      0-30 Graeynissis: “My” house? (I haven’t truly celebrated my 21st birthday yet…) [That would be so funny!!! Do you go to the supermarket yourself? (As in being in public?)]

      30-100 Graeynissis: A location in any country of our consensus

      Rotterdam is the closest city for me. The traveling expenses will cost me a great percentage of the expenses I need to cover the hiring of the location, if I were to do this without investors. 

      100-1000+ Graeynissis: Multiple locations (at the same time?)

      ” ”

      My Cuddle, I would like to know your thoughts on the following:

      Would you like to be a hyped Graeyniss at The Fangs Tea Party?
      46 votes · 46 answers

      This has nothing to do with Massachusetts… Get it? “Boston Tea Party”…

      Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls

      Wednesday, September 5, 2018

      10:58 (AM)

      Good morning <3

      How’s your morning?

      The sounds of thunder and rain leave me curled up in my bed. Fall and Winter are (the) Cuddle seasons at this distance of the equator. The constant cold and (semi-)sudden rain, hail or snow allow you to layer up however you want to. These seasons look so Cuddle on you! (Just like the other seasons :].)

      I prefer snow. Especially if temperatures don’t go below zero slightly before or right afterwards (so it’s less slippery). It falls on your skin relatively softly. If you would have to choose between rain, hail or snow, what would you pick?

      My Meow… To get this business off the ground at some point, I need a partnership with at least one Graeyniss. I need more subjects and/or holders of my private stock. This stock is only fruitful when D. O. C. I. S. International is selling the goods and services of more than one party. I don’t feel that comfortable with campaigning about anything, if I don’t have an impression of what my target audience [that’s you, my Meow] would get hyped over. I don’t come across hyped Graeynissis often, but I know you get hyped when no one’s watching… Which is so Cuddle :D. Haha let’s get hyped together?

      My level of education, age and gender make it less easy for me to meet a Graeyniss. In the past I have been lucky and very happy to befriend one. This unfortunately backfired when we started to speak about making a documentary and my parents not wanting me to do business with someone they hadn’t met. We ended up arguing over this and they concluded that it’s more logical to label me as “psychotic” (and have two psychiatrists walk into my room out of nowhere) than that I actually befriended my Graeyniss. They forced me to take so many different types of antipsychotics and forbade me to go outside. I had so much evidence of this Graeyniss actually being my Graeyniss, but I was so shocked over my spoken words not being enough to be considered the truth, that I never showed it to them. They kept monitoring me, until I managed to run away and survive just a few months ago (to their fucking surprise -.-“) and then not having time for their monitoring and pills, because I managed to get myself a full time job at a company they would kill for to work at. When I requested my ESTA and during the job interview, I “should have mentioned that I am a schizophrenic (“who is not taking her medication”)”. I didn’t, because I DO NOT AGREE and nothing happend!!!!!!!  On the phone with the people who needed my help hundreds of kilometers away, in “a crisis situation”, I wasn’t saying: “AAAHHH VOLGENSMIJ STAAT ER EEN GEEST NAAST JE,” or “ZEI JE NOU DAT JE IN GRIEKENLAND WAS?” While this person would then be in Spain or something. No. Even within the company, people from so many different departments have asked me for help. I perceive reality the way it truly is, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it this far. Also, my grades have been quite steady for someone “who should not be able to tell real from fake”. (I hate to use that perspective, which is the way my parents and other people in my environment perceive me.)
      The talking about making a documentary happend around May 2017, I was locked in the house until October 2017, then I, at some point, ended up at the IJsselland Ziekenhuis, which was the first time for me to be away from my parents. When I had to wait for test results, and was allowed to go home, I didn’t want to go home. I also didn’t want any visitors, because the levels of pain I experienced became more intense the closer these flehs came to me. I was literally hiding underneath the sheets, freaked out by the thought of going back home. We had a lot of “Benoît is real” vs “Benoît isn’t real” arguments, which was way too intense for me.

      All that time I was just hoping for him to somehow say something to me, so that I could show real life, real time evidence of his existence (and somehow spend much more time with him), and fucking sue those flehs for destoying my reputation and taking away my freedom. But I didn’t make use of the internet in that shameful period in my life… They figured the solution to me not wanting to do the “I am going to finish my education program and then spend all of my life climbing up in some business”-thing anymore (I (used to) say that to fit in), because I only wanted to focus on my sole proprietorship. I didn’t ask for anything – after my investment proposal I offered my parents was declined [and after that my father bought a Volvo XC90 (I am not allowed to drive), which then was the third car of this household, but they trashed the Mazda 6 sedan, that was still in a very good state, and at least 4 antminers and other Bitcoin generating computers were bought (two in THE LIVING ROOM), and he invested in this shady food business and is now making plans to buy and sell real estate internationally. They declined it because they weren’t certain if they were going to get it back (even though they could easily miss it) and I wanted to use it to pay for a summer course at Georgia Tech University, for which I needed a subject – my Graeyniss – to write and present about an accounting issue that emerges in my field, which was such an amazing opportunity for my sole proprietorship in PR. My Graeyniss said “yes” to being my subject, but that contributed to my parents saying “no”. Atlanta was too far and they didn’t know him, so they didn’t feel comfortable with him leaving with me (but that actually wasn’t even planned (yet???)), because he could be a rapist? And I am the “psychotic” person, around the end of October 2016 labeled as “schizophrenic” “because I still wasn’t over it”. If he would touch me, I would not mind at al……????(Fucking crazy “protective”….)] – but food, sometimes, after coming back from being transferred from one mental institution to another, because I didn’t want to leave the hospital bed, and I ended up giving in, because I thought “Oh, maybe I could use this as a second opinion”, but I was far too trapped in this system. Especially in my first two months in EMC (I turned 21 there, didn’t invite anyone), where I, even though I begged and actually had the right to, leave, because I was there on a voluntary basis and not with a warrant. I was allowed to leave after “showing that I took my medication”, and a few times answering “No” to the question “Do you still think about Benoît Crutzen?”. THEY HAVE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION FOR ABOUT A YEAR STRAIGHT. “Check my medical record…” :'(. I want that record wiped clean, because in it I am portrayed as insanity itself. It’s all lies! I can prove ittt!!! To work with some parties, I can’t have a medical record like that…

      Random moments I vividly remember:

      • I told this nurse I want to see my medical record. She asked me why. I said: “Because I want my medical record to show the truth, for my professional life. According to the Patriot Act, the American government is allowed to see Dutch medical records.” She replied: “Well, I assume you don’t want to work with the United States President.” WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE. Grrrrrr. What if I do???? (They would call me crazy for saying “I do”.) They didn’t allow me to view my medical record and propose corrections to this record.

      Now that I’ve recently had the chance to keep in touch with another Graeyniss, hoping I don’t scare him off, I’m afraid to see history repeat itself… I can’t afford a lawyer against my parents and whatever mental institution they decide to team up with…] [to be continued]

      ~Or Not?~

      Back home, I just wanted to focus on my business, without having a side-job or school, but these people did not want me to be at home so much, so they started to threaten me about having to look for a side job. At some point, [to be continued]

      ~Or Not?~

      So let’s say I would get the chance to hang out with a Graeyniss or some Graeynissis, I probably won’t let anyone know… Maybe you should do the same? We can’t get caught… Otherwise the sheepy masses will think we’re having an affair, and then our reputations will be un-cuddled… Even though we’re immortal already? Who else has this Cuddle project…? By the time money hungry people from my generation take over my Graeynissis, I want to be safe on Planet Fang. Our corporate island state… Far away from this country, where there’s a back-up plan for: “One day, when the level of “you’re fucking around with nature too much when you let so many people live on such a small piece of ground and keep postponing serious measures” becomes too extreme, the sound you hear at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, won’t be at 12 pm on the first Monday of the month, and then you know things are very messed up.” I live at the most unsafe location… The tunnel I walk through on my way to the metro station will close to safeguard (some parts of) Rotterdam, when water levels get too high. The neighborhood I live in will be flooded. “My strategy” is to somehow try to make it to the Erasmus University (but there is only one road as an exit of my neighborhood, towards the highway etc.), because there are high buildings there and the highest chance that they have some sort of emergency plan is there. Haha I might be labeled as crazy for having this strategy, just like that “famous crazy person” that was on the news decades ago for saying “Klaas Komt”, but the threat of a new water catastrophe is real… Let’s run, my Graeyniss…
      The messages that pop up on my phone that are considerd “breaking news” right now… “*Names of famous people I don’t know* were wearing this today to *some event or private location*”… I really don’t give a fuck hahahahahaha. When I try to delete the app, it just deletes its updates :[. I want to have alternative “news media”. This is also in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, just like making a movie, making a documentary (+ new tv channel…) and so many other things.

      16:58 (04:58 PM)

      My sister’s piano lesson starts at 21:15. I will be driving her there. Now that I’m writing this, I still need to complete the “to be continued parts”. Before this, I’ll be making an overview of the pages of the chapters I need to look at to find a suitable answer @ my two final statistics exams. Oh and warm up the left-overs.

      17:21 (05:21 PM)

      I tried to call my other grandmother to ask her if she would like to come over for dinner tomorrow. I have taken care of her for a while, a few months ago. Then she had too many “verbal aggression fits of dementia” at me, she was able to walk again (by taking aspirines……..?¿) and my father has obliged her to not invite me over into her house anymore, because he was getting tired of her accusing me of stealing over and over again. When she accuses me of stealing from her, I always asked her: “Why would I steal that from you?” What do I need her silverware for?

      Before I left for the U. S., I took some metros earlier to get the right train and in the meantime bring her mangoes from a friend of her’s in Suriname. [I was in the Netherlands for only three days when I visited her.] She didn’t want to come with us, unfortunately.

      I gave back her house keys, because the “thuiszorg” needed the keys of the house to come in, on the day I stopped taking care of her (I slept next to her for more than a week (the guest room is too cold)). Because she needed a house key herself. She goes to the hairdresser once a week. Dinner gets delivered every day.

      I’m going to call again.

      17:58 (05:58 PM)

      She doesn’t pick up…? Other than going to the hairdresser, she doesn’t really do much.

      The last time I spoke to her was a few days before my parents left, I think? I didn’t spend that much time around the house phone when I was working.

      It feels quite random talking about my grandmother here, but this is far from usual. I have suggested many “activities for the (surinamese (or Surinamese?)) elderly” to her, to maybe get her to enjoy life a little bit more (her suicidal thoughts… I had called her physician, who came over for a consult, but she didn’t want any help (why is she allowed to choose?)).

      I have texted my father. Hopefully he’ll say that she was going to meet up with someone or that she went to her gymnastics class… (But she hasn’t been doing that lately.) She didn’t want to move to a “private” retirement center and the “public” retirement centers don’t have space for her (there’s basically a “waiting list”, or certain liabilities you need to have for being allowed to enter that facility.  I don’t want to go there by myself… I’m too scared…. His flight back to the Netherlands is on Saturday.

      19:51 (07:51 PM)

      I have been able to reach her. The conversation was 18:12 mins long. She doesn’t want to come over, because she doesn’t want to lie down and watch TV here. There was no need for me to worry :D. (And you were the only one to know! Haha if there’s one thing I don’t like, it is sharing my deepest emotions via text messages. It’s like people talk for laughs, but their sense of humor sucks so bad. I still laugh about it, though. It makes me sad when someone tells a joke and no one laughs.)

      21:41 (09:41 PM)

      I have worked on the version of Nosce Te Ipsum that will be re-published, before I came here. I finally have the possibility to ask my former piano teacher some things about Jazz chords. Before I started to study at Erasmus University (in 2016. For three months…), I have been coming here every week, since I was about 10.

      Bhahahaha okay, my Cuddle, you know how I always do a lot of work within a short period of time, right? I want to do this even faster :D. I do NOT want to wait until the end of September to release my new episode. (Haha I want to have it released now! And then have you as my subject and go on a business adventure (since this concept it new…) together!) I hope to have it ready before my parents come back… Let’s R. U. N. :D. “Haha just kidding”…. I just want my own place and then later a different political system within my own state (far away from those who don’t want this).

      Ha – ha, I have been smoking a lottt of weed lately. I mean more than usual…?

      23:32 (11:32 PM)

      I want to plan an overnight Tea Party?

      I’m afraid no one will show up? It has been a while since I have thrown a party. I’m not that active on other social media anymore.

      Haha this is not “another project X”. I should adapt the location to some place able to “carry” a number towards the “top margin” of what the amount of “I am in” saying votes is.

      But PLEASE WAIT before you click (the times you’re allowed to vote is limited. This to obtain the most accurate results). I’m still working on the poll!!  This is a draft!

      Remember, my Cuddle, this should be our diary. The results of the poll are public. 

      Would you like to be a hyped Graeyniss at The Fangs Tea Party?
      46 votes · 46 answers

      Only I can see what “other” says? [Not yet?]

      By “please wait”, I mean don’t vote yet, because your answer will not be processed, then, since it’s not done yet. The poll. 

      The reality planned might be more wild than what would be considered “a tea party”. But you knew that already ;). I don’t have a Netflix account :D. The last time I have watched a series (? serie = Dutch. I misspelled it “haha”) was somewhere in March. I think it was March… I watched a few episodes of Archer (the cartoon series).

      HAHA OH


      I ALWAYS WRITE WHEN I’M HIGH. [At least 40% of my posts this far for sure…]

      You, my Cuddle who wants to Cuddle, are invited to The Fangs Tea Party <3. What’s the point of inviting someone who doesn’t want to come? 😀

      Anyway :D. 

      The poll is ready to be clicked on / touched :D. Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa…… It’s 02:42 AM now. Hi there, 5 Cuddles who have just voted, who, thus, are “online right now” :D. I want to ask you so many more things! Haha are you ready to party? Is it the “Niss” in the Graeyniss that makes you not able to openly say that you would like to form a partnership with me? Haha the content I have been sharing has not made it very easy to publicly share interest in But could you please vote…? <3! I would love to finally be public Cuddles! I hope you do too… (To cover the scale we could contribute to human evolution on: please nudge your fellow Graeynissis…) 

      I wish I could send invitations based on IP address… 

      “I’ll be dreaming about that.” “Ha-ha.” <3

      Good night, my Sweetniss 


      04:10 (AM) 

      Still awake :D. I just made the first “poll article”. I am curious to know how large my current audience is. And how many of them would want to spend time with me…

      04:46 (AM) 

      I say “tomorrow” after waking up from my “end-of-day” sleep.  

      “Speaking of “members of the inner cabinet, who don’t know each other’s identity””: let’s make the Tea Party masked? 

      Haha prrr, my meow. To be unmasked sounds like an emotional rollercoaster. Would you like to accompany me on this ride?

      The “time span” for “polling” is “as soon as possible” ahahahahah :D. (Definitely not longer than a week :D.) 

      Blog, Online Diary, Polls

      Friday May 11, 2018

      12:24 (PM)

      Something I’ve not been doing for a long time is fully explaining myself. I used to do it when I was very young, then I developed my “storytelling skills” around puberty, so I slowed down my speaking pace and focused on intonation. Now I’m back at speaking fast with a monotonous voice, since the moment I suddenly had to explain all of my life’s decisions, because my parents think I’m crazy, knowing the person I’m talking to will never understand my words and actions and is on the side of my parents.

      That person is going to listen to my words only to judge me (so I used “complex words” on purpose), and will indirectly decide my career options and how the rest of “the community” will treat me. It’s like playing Russian roulette with a bullet in every chamber. Knowing that if you end up there discussing your case, they will never think of the exceptional case where you’re actually innocent. To the shortest questions I have the longest answers, consisting of only exceptions to basic answers. I don’t bother to try to explain it, because the chance someone will understand it is very small. They don’t teach you to understand non-basic concepts in school or on the news. I don’t want to answer any questions, but when I do (I never say: “I don’t want to answer your question,” or “I don’t want to talk to you.”..) I talk very fast and try to summarize it in the least amount of sentences possible.

      For once, just now, I decided to explain one of my actions. I was asking my mother and sister if they were wearing “knob earrings” or if they had any needle shaped objects. They gave me their earrings, but they didn’t fit. (“Cliffhanger effect”.) I asked my mother if I could see what telecom provider was showing at the top of her screen. When she and my father’s friend got out of the car, I asked my father to call me on my Surinamese phone number for only a second. Since he didn’t even want to pick up when people from the Netherlands called him and he’s so (unnecessarily) cautious with his spendings, I decided to explain to him why I asked all of these questions. Mid-story I was already regretting still talking, since his “uhuh’s” were interrupting my words, showing that he had zero interest in why I was doing this.

      Yesterday, when I was verifying my Lil Fangs YouTube account I’ll use to “proclaim” that I’m not missing, but breaking contact, I needed my Dutch phone number to fill out these verification codes. Of course, I didn’t say that it was for YouTube. I just said “I was doing some things on my Google account”, knowing that he wouldn’t ask questions about what things I was doing. I didn’t know if the SIM was from TeleSur or TeleG either, which is why I checked over what provider my mother was receiving her phone service. From checking it, I figured both companies go over the same provider. (One of the providers is a “dochterbedrijf”. (If you want to know what it means, I guess you’ll have to use a translator. I’m indirectly teaching you a little bit of Dutch. “Dochter” means “daughter” and “bedrijf” means “company”, but I think in English you don’t say “daughter company”, which is why a translator is needed.)  I tried opening the SIM-card slot of my phone with my mother’s and sister’s earrings, but I was afraid I would bend or break them if I would use more force to try to open them. I didn’t know if I had my Dutch SIM or my Surinamese SIM in my phone, and wanted to use the internet. For my Dutch SIM, using the internet costs €10 per megabyte… Streaming music with that would cost me a fortune… But yeah, when my father called me, I saw I put my Surinamese SIM back in.

      What would you do if you were me, in this situation? I have some serious strategies for and solutions to societal problems. I know I’m the only one who can do it this way. I want to reach and inspire people, but in my home country I’m continuously portrayed as and treated like I’m unconscious and unstable. This is untrue. _______. (7)

      The way these people treat me is so _______(8). I don’t know a suitable word or phrase for this, so I’m letting you pick one. Also, I had to find another “fill in the gap question”, because I didn’t want that answer to be answer number 7.

      If you’re just tuning in, these gaps are part of project Nosce Te Ipsum, for your self reflection certificate and my research project. From your answers, I’ll “write you a personalized story”, which is Nosce Te Ipsum II. (I’m working on Nosce Te Ipsum I, II and III at the same time. The summary of all versions is basically done. I only have to write the elaborate versions. The summaries are either hand written or thought through, so hands off my computer files, I’m saying for nosy drama seekers (but that’s probably not you, my sweetniss (that’s a Cuddle word)).)
      Answer 7 will be praised, because it’s my lucky number and I thank you for putting yourself in my shoes. 
      I’m so tired of being treated so (8). The only thing these people ask me is “Where is everyone?”, if they catch me by myself. Sometimes, they ask me short questions about what I’m doing, but I know they’re just asking it to start talking to me. Every time I answer a personal question, I end up listening to a monologue. (That often consists of negative feedback, while they don’t know a thing about the things I’m doing.) They keep saying the things I do are not “gezellig”. A word that doesn’t exist in English, but it’s basically an adjective that means “having a good time”. To them, having a good time is talking shit and talking about messages spread by bad propagandists and then laughing as often as possible. They nudge me to say things like “I’m hungry,” “My toe is itching,” “The daughter of the aunt of your aunt’s father’s cat caught a mouse yesterday.” That last one was a slight exaggeration, but it’s really conversation on the level of the group conversations you have when you’re sitting in a circle in Kindergarten. And the far connection is also always the case. Sometimes my mother looks at me and changes the expression on her face, slightly tilting her head to one side, without saying anything, showing a slight smile. I always stare back at her when she starts to do this. I know some “mental advice” will follow. I want to say: “WHAT?” when she does this. You don’t do that to a person if you think he or she is not mentally ill. That “stare battle” invokes so much anger in me, especially because expressing the anger won’t be understood by her, the other people in my environment or the lousy professionals I HAVE TO talk to every week. When I’m talking about writing or making music, they talk about it as if I’m doing it because I can’t handle the mind. As if I need to do that to cope. They consider me a weak-minded person because they have heard me talk about suicide. Their ignorance is so disgusting. The most disgusting thing about it is, that if I would express how I really feel and how I’m really thinking, they would just start a fight and get me locked up, since they have this authority over me and these people like beef. I have an audio recording of my parents raising their voices at each other over some discussion about whose parking space belongs to what person in our street. I wouldn’t even start a conversation about a topic like that. They don’t understand that I’m so quiet because I just don’t give a fuck about their boring conversationg they call “gezellig”. 
      Actually, I, earlier, wrote about telling you about the things I’ve been doing the last few days, but it will cost so much time… I figured filming myself talking about it would be easier. I need a tripod, because I need to use my phone as a reminder of the many topics I want to cover, and I value good “image” quality. I’ve filmed myself talking, with my phone, when I was in Republiek. I’ll upload it to my channel, too, but I know videos made with the front camera of a phone often aren’t of good quality. 
      Maybe I’ll buy a tripod here, maybe I’ll buy a tripod in the Netherlands (on Monday). The tripod will also be a good reason to take my suitcase to my grandmother.
      Something I don’t want to postpone telling you anymore, is that my entire trip is taken care of!!! That includes my ESTA :D. I’m sooo happyyy!!!!

      17:08 (05:08 PM)

      The resort we were driving to was deserted. It belonged to one of my uncles. A brother of my grandfather (who had about 12 siblings). When I spoke to him last year, he said that he was going to sell the resort and retire. 
      About 30 minutes further away, there’s the “Brokopondo Stuwmeer”. A (big) artificial lake, that is used to generate power for the city. There used to be “maroon” villages there, but the government flooded them to make a lake that generates power for the capitol. Last year, we visited one of the “migration villages” in the forest. Today, we were actually going to a similar place, but everyone got ready too slow (and I had to wait to take a shower because one of my aunt’s house workers had to replace a lamp¿). Since that was “too far away”, there was decided to go to the resort to swim etc. Either my uncle sold it or he just abandoned it.

      21:09 (09:09 PM)

      I made quite some pictures and recorded a few videos today. I’ll upload everything (including the images of when I was in Paris) when I’m back in the Netherlands. There, the internet at home acts up often, but here it’s worse. The EP I keep trying to re-upload, but the connection keeps dropping during the process. I’m going to do that one last time right before I go to sleep, which is after I’ve uploaded this piece of text.

      Good night, my Cuddle

      [Songs in the “Ciao” playlist on Spotify: Go BoomTrap Dubai Shit]

      Haha I just saw my tags get put in alphabetical order, so it turns into a puzzle. What was the “sentence” I made with the tags? (“Cognitive challenge”)

      It’s still raining and I don’t want to make my laptop wet and slip (and break it), so I’m still “in the main house”. But I want to upload my music and have some privacy (my father did it again, leaning over next to me to look at my screen), so I’m going to sneak past these guard dogs and hope I won’t slip :D. It’s 09:55 PM now…


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