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Rationalization [Sunday, October 20, 2019]

This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection.ย 

My love,

What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one:

Why am I keeping this blog?

To portray a shift from the perspective of the one putting it in motion. My mission is and always has been to redesign the system (combination of economics, politics, law et cetera) to the versatile and sustainable mechanism it should be (and already could have been). On my blog, I share information about what concepts I am developing to put into practice and I share the methods I use to and circumstances under which I am doing this. Consider it real-time history in the making.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

What direction am I working towards?

All of my diary posts until about July, as one story, describe my perspective on change, politics and society in general (as well as a detailed description of general living circumstances). A summarization of this:

  • I consider culture the greatest cause of today’s societal problems.

There are many rants of me venting about the disturbing aspects of culture. By culture I mean the standards by which people treat and communicate with each other, what is considered “good/cool” and what is considered “bad/lame” in general (not only morals, also trends) and traditional habits.

Let me illustrate this by sharing my perspective on this video:

Mister Kuzu from the DENK party starts off his speech by standing up for Dutch people with Turkish roots in this time of increased political tension in Turkey, to which a lot of Dutch people with Dutch roots respond with discrimination. The Dutch media proclaim Turkey has taken illegal measures and in every single interruption of mister Kuzu his speech, members of the Second Chamber demand that he says that what the Turkish government is doing in name of mister Erdogan is wrong. Mister Kuzu refuses to do this and the rest does not understand why.

Culture is a great problem here, because the opinion of the majority of Dutch Dutch people is based on the conclusions they draw from reading newspapers. The perspective of Turkish Dutch people is based on their roots (thus information passed from generation to generation) and have a direct ethnical connection with the conflicts at the Turkish border(s) (causing most Dutch Dutch and other people to identify them with this political issue, which is so simplistic).

In all of politics, people may disagree or decide not to choose a side. If the entire Chamber except DENK wants to judge Erdogan for his actions, why is that such a big problem? Why may he not disagree with the great majority in this discussion? I don’t think the Turkish government cares much about the opinion of the Dutch government – especially in this case (where they still carry the heaviest load in the immigration crisis) – in the first place? This digitalized drama media culture justifies all sorts of nonsense.

The migration conflict (as well as other conflicts) brings me to my second view:

  • Communities should be based on personality and ambitions, instead of nationality, ethnicity and interests.ย 

The classification can be defined by the Nosce Te Ipsum survey, of which the outcome describes your personality and ambitions in a fixed format.

  • In my view, overpopulation is one of the greatest causes for growing environmental damage. Something for which the most rational solution should be sought.

I have done a couple of suggestions. Though they all relate to death and warfare in a specific non-discriminatory context. Based on personality, ambitions and competence, one will or will not be targeted. Here age, race, religion, disabled/not disabled, et cetera do not play a role in deciding if you will stay or not. (Rational: if you spend life wasting resources without contributing anything, why live? (If one’s answer to that is “well you can have a great time with your friends blah blah”: doing that for 1 year is the same as doing that for 50 years. For the sake of saving the planet better keep it short.))

But most people probably find that everyone should be entitled to a long healthy life and all wealth and resources (something impossible). So I, tacitly, stick to my view unless I can endorse someone with a better, “more rational” solution, before.

I hoped to be able to start a discussion about this by elaborately discussing this view of mine (in a court case), but it was labeled as “schizophrenia”. Now that it is proved (case almost closed) that I am not a schizophrenic, what will this be defined as next?

  • The value of a product should solely be based on its availability. Supply should solely exist on an order-basis.ย 

For this I refer you to Looking at Markets Differently (opens in new tab) and Fangyist Economics & Initiating Change (opens in new tab).

  • Artificial intelligence should be a more common product for mass production.

Because this will further automate the robotic (as in repetitious labor) function of some [most] human beings. I have some really cool ideas for artificial intelligence projects. I hope D.O.C.I.S. International will also sell robots in the future. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Governmental decisions should be based on public surveys.

It’s what I’m trying to accomplish with the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The Hypothesis is an example of this (opens in new tab).

  • Health care requires digitization of the diagnostic process.

This will make health care more accessible. If – with artificial intelligence – the supply of health care will be made more compact and easier to become accessible on a larger scale (as well as cheaper).

By blogging and publishing books I have tried to set this in motion. But I’m not getting a societal response, after quite a lot of effort, so I have decided to – ugh – resort to the traditional route. A.k.a. bachelor (with perhaps doing research and suggestions for the Surinamese government for my major and thesis* ๐Ÿ˜€ ) -> (master ->) PhD. Where to get my masters and PhD I don’t know yet, though. Hopefully Stanford and otherwise Berkeley. ๐Ÿ˜€

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Why did I take the picture in the header of this post?

Did the image grab your attention? If not, the situation may be more hopeless than I thought. ๐Ÿ™

The image was there before the rest of the post. You see, I’m quite bored. I’m getting ahead of my study schedule already and I still have no one to cuddle with.

Late at night last night (past 2 PM for sure), I was chatting with someone on snapchat. I have frequently received nudes from a wide range of people, but rarely send them. Yesterday cravings for someone to touch were (as always) higher than the day before [y’all killing me], so – after a long period of contemplation – I, still doubting, said: “I want to send you a suggestive picture, but I don’t know if I should do it [trust related] and if it will be sexy.” The response was that I shouldn’t overthink it because I’m beautiful. Hesitatingly, but still trying to keep it smooth, I sent this image followed by the text in the caption:


“Your response?” 😏

Sexting is not the place for essays. Graeynissis attracted to “sapiosexual” women who love sex like I do – I’m in de veronderstelling dat you already know this but – if a female who rarely sends nudes sends you (and in this hypothetical situation you frequently send nudes) a suggestive picture and asks you for your response, you should not respond by giving a review (and saying “not that much skin” like this porn generation is used to). Respond with – taking away one’s insecurities – an image or video showing that you’re aroused.

The review with that the image didn’t show that much skin but my lips and boobs (~boobs~ (say breasts to this articulate wild Catje please…)) are nice made me regret my action and shut the lights off to go to bed. But I wasn’t able to catch sleep (or find the mental tranquility I need, to be able to masturbate myself to sleep like I always do), plus I was suddenly shook up by the thought: “What if that picture is leaked? I better make sure I’m the one doing it, then. (So that – from a spindoctor’s perspective – there is no “double life” image portrayed.) And use it as the featured image of a diary post that has more meaning than a regular diary post.” So I turned the lights back on to make a replica of the (by me unsaved) Snapchat picture I sent.


And another one. ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha and then I laughed from thinking: “What if I e-mail these pictures to Victishe?” Hahahahaha what would “HR” tell me then? 😂 Haha meow I’d hope I’d get some pictures back. Seriously though this big age difference, big height difference interracial thing with our personalities matching each other… Am I the only one who finds that the hottest type of sexual attraction ever? That literal inside joke was followed by the thought: “I wonder what I would see if I’d “ask a glass ball” if I’d ever sleep with Victishe?” Meoow I don’t (want to) know what would happen if I’d hear “No that will never happen.” Even if it’s just for one night. 😻

Some will say that this suggestive nude is nothing. Others will say that I am a female without standards. It has been a while since I posted something “very provocative”. On a Sunday. ๐Ÿ™‚ I wanted to spice up my content anyway, because it was getting quite stagnate. I also, I guess, need to publish something about what I’ve learnt from studying this far. Though for now that would just take time I should invest in studying and working on my business. D.O.C.I.S. International is currently “doing nothing”. But tomorrow I will start with my first set of D.O.C.I.S. tasks. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah I had not yet mentioned that I would like to create some (further modernized) sex education propaganda something for teenagers. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Because the amount of nonsense that is considered as fact is a serious problem. And I’d include anti-stereotyping as a component of this. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

* I’ve been saying that I find it a good thing when people contribute to the development of the country where their roots lie. When I studied IBEB, I said that I’d like to study (the island economy of) the Bahamas. But for many different reasons (and especially to also proceed in my grandfather’s mission and now that I’m still not entirely sure about who my biological father is…)

I’d like to spend some time working for the Surinamese government, if possible. To contribute to the country’s economic development. Not only nationally. In the international spectrum as well.

It’s Sunday night and I’m home, which means that it’s bathtub time again yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Tomorrow I will, because I love the game and I should keep meeting new people (hoping they allow me to join), go for basketball practice. ๐Ÿ™‚

In reference to yesterday, this was when I made my late breakfast and was about to get started what I had on my study planner for today.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

This is cornerstone content.

Good night ♥


23:40 (11:40 PM) [GMT +2]

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Orgasmic Study Planner 😻 [Tuesday, October 15, 2019]

The way it requires all of my time, the rush of getting it done daily, being able to be the utmost productive in bed… I love this study planner so much! This is genuinely orgasmic.

My love,

Until November 30th – for now – all I will attend is English class on Mondays. Because attendance is required and I want to score an A+. And minimally a B for all of my other subjects. The type of study planning I usually do one week before the final exam, I now started to do last night.

Currently I’m behind (as in I understand what is explained during lectures but I haven’t read the books to see what knowledge is required to pass a test yet), but…

After acing this, I’m thinking of explaining how I made this (work), in the essay – a book is too long – Study Planning for Procrastinators. It’s on my list of D.O.C.I.S. tasks. ๐Ÿ™‚

And every Sunday I will make a weekly schedule. ๐Ÿ™‚

Starting the week on Sunday is veryyy good for study planning with weekly tasks.

In case this social isolation makes me feel uncomfortable, I could join the basketball team. But I get tired quite fast because my heart has been acting up quite badly.

It’s one of the reasons why this post will be very short.

In reference to yesterday, it could have also been a protocol “no”, but no one explains the protocols for “”status” interacting with “regular folk”” to me. ๐Ÿ™ I really should have used “Gooi dit dan in de openhaard,” like I had reasoned out the night before, to not go home with paper that had gone toxic. Paper that has gone out with the rest of my trash (including that “overdue” yogurt) today. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow my tasks are:

  • Letting the technician in and giving him access to the hoofdaansluiting so that he (or – though never experienced – she) can install my internet connection. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Studying economics, law and mathematics.
  • Cycling to Burger King because tomorrow I want to grill rib-eye steak and eat it with spinach and twister fries. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I have wifi (and don’t have to use my phone for that anymore) I’m planning on starting to follow a German series (I think it will be Weissensee but I might change my mind if I see something better) without subtitles to improve my German. For I’ll never be attending mandatory German class – except for the lecture before the first midterm – and the course has a speaking component.

For the sake of weight watching I think I’ll make this cake on October 31st to eat by myself when I turn 23.

Ah I wish it was 2029 because then at least I’m ProfFangs. Can it be final exam week already…? ๐Ÿ™

Why are we not Cuddles? ๐Ÿ™ Can someone please answer this because I really just don’t understand that either.

I’ll be thinking about that, as usual.

Ciao sweetie ♥

– xxx –

23:59 (11:59 PM) [GMT +2]

Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

“Ready to Propose” [Monday, October 14, 2019]

Ready… This morning my first proposal for academic acknowledgement will be handed over. I will go down on one knee and say: “Will you cherish this rough diamond and be my Graeyniss?” Just kidding. By means of proposing, I will give a short explanation and regardless of interest I will not go home with the proposal of 50+ pages I have written for all of my professors.

My love,

The last couple of days have been full with working on my proposal, taking care of houesehold stuff (and getting my bike repaired), planning my birthday, re-braiding my hair and a three-day trip to the Netherlands.

“Ready to Propose”

I got the idea for this proposal during my first lecture Informatiesystemen on *date*. On *date* I, after a while of reasoning it out, started writing it (better said “making the structure and inserting the essays and my resumรฉ that are my appendices).

The Pressure Behind it

The printer I have in my apartment does not have cardridges in it yet, and I reallyyy want to start handing my proposal out from my first lecture at 08:30 today onwards. I will explain that I would like to publish a new book of which the content should be representable for at least a bachelor economist. That I hope that my professors will acknowledge this (and don’t have to live the dreadful life of a regular student anymore, with the uncommon background of a publisher I have).

Especially because I have no connection with my fellow students at all (except the handful of students I talk to every now and then and the maths student I have invited to my party, but other than that I am alone alllll of the time it’s depressing (but rather alone than hanging with people I don’t feel a connection with though. Who else is actively working on a revolutionary strategy?)), I hope that what I state in my proposal can become reality. If they decline my proposal… I will be bound to three years of not having time for my business, while my depression is getting worse. It will be very hard for me if they say no.

As a student, I am so alone that it’s hard for me to attend classes. With the proposal to hand out I have the feeling that being present is really useful

If they say yes, I might just get my business off the ground properly.

With the state of my proposal, I should postpone handing it out with one day… But for structure and impatience’s sake I really cannot wait any longer. Ik wil echt heel graag weten waar ik aan toe ben. Will I be happily challenged or will I be depressed?

The state of me proposal…

The State of my Proposal

Last Friday I went to the Netherlands for my mother’s birthday dinner. And after my last time there, for efficiency’s sake, I chose to stay until Sunday, so that I didn’t have to rush for the train after (or during) dinner and could re-braid my hair which had gone frizzy.

I finished braiding my hair at 7 PM on Sunday. (And started loosening my previous braids after dinner on Friday.) My last direct train left at 22:10 (10:10 PM) and I had one chapter to finish and a new chapter to write, still. I printed this proposal at 21:45 (09:45 PM), to make it just in time for the last non-direct train that left at 22:14.

To go somewhere to print out a report of 49 pages, before my lecture starts at 08:45 AM, is not possible for me. And with these feelings of academic despair I really can’t postpone asking this any longer. So I had to get creative, hoping that my proposal won’t be denied just for the way I handed it in. (This is not the Netherlands, so I consider the chance a little higher that it will not be declined because of that reason.)

In the train, I realized that I forgot to write the summary.

So it’s hand-written…

The content

I don’t have a hole puncher here, so…

Had to get creative…

The pages are well-aligned yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

I also don’t have paperclips (and the color is printed quite badly ๐Ÿ™ ), so this is the end result…

I’m hungry and usually don’t really have time for dinner in the morning, though tired, so I’m making pourridge now.

Please don’t judge me…

After eating a little of it and refrigerating the rest for tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

Wish me luck for later…

Love you โ™ฅ


03:22 (AM) [GMT +2]


Back to the Drawing Board ๐Ÿ™

I couldn’t even hand the thing over. I said that I’m an author and owner of a little publishing company, wanting to work on a new project representable for a bachelor economist, for which academic acknowledgement is required. After that I wanted to show him the 2 sections relevant for him to see. Namely the table row with the 3 research questions relevant for his subject and the paragraph in which those questions are explained.

But even before I could show it, he said: “No, I don’t do that.” It might have seemed like I wanted him to read a long book, though in reality it’s just a chapter of the entire book I need the perspective of any professor on. But after this “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no, further explaining is a waste of time. Going from a “no” to a “yes” in a proposal for cooperation is working together in a completely spoiled mood anyway. It was my intention to hand it over to let the receiver think it over for a week, saying: “Even if you decide to throw it in the trash, this proposal is yours. I don’t want to keep it.” But no is no, so I just said “okay” and left. I don’t understand society at all man why does everyone want to be so stagnate.

Furthermore I was bored out of my mind at the lecture again. I could spend that time far more efficiently studying at home and working on my new book then without the approval of “someone from the field”. (My fucking target audience. x_x ) I need to restrategize man suicidal thoughts are resurfacing and being in that crowd makes it worse. Though I’ll be attending English class (because I’ll be giving a presentation on November 18 and she might say something relevant and skipping more than 20% of classes would mean a lower final grade, and I want an A+, so…) at 4 today.

I’ll show you the full proposal later today. Hmmm in what other way could I carry out my mission. And who wants to burn the proposal with me? I need to get this fucking thing out of my sight. ๐Ÿ™

With this awful feeling of wanting to cry but rather wanting to smash something, but not doing anything because why would I be weak, I’ll be doing the dishes and going to the ugh facility management who has a key to my apartment and uses “je ziet maar” en “wanneer wil je omkomen” in e-mails my god. ๐Ÿ™


11:25 (AM) [GMT +2]


Lil Heartbreak 33.0

Here’s the proposal. Yes I know it’s a mess but at least please look at it. ๐Ÿ™ What I wrote by pen is typed out in handwriting font (I still have the draft here in my notebook).

The actual proposal is in a better place now. Out of my sight. ๐Ÿ™ (Yes sorry I don’t separate my trash because I’m alone and it’s such a small amount if I separate it it takes longer for a trash bag to get full and trash will get smelly.) It’s quite relieving though.

Alternatieve Academische Erkenning

Click here to download it.

I think an alternative route to success could be traditionally (regular marketing, e-books and hardcovers everywhere) publishing SchizoFangia (with a photo shoot of me in a strait jacket) and a Wikipedia page…

But I should take a moment to breathe and orient myself because my feelings of depression and rage are influencing my thinking a lot. I want to say so much but I know I might regret that later. Saying that it was a “I’m not going to do any extra unpaid effort” type of no is something I already regret, because I don’t know if that was the reason, because I just walked away. Though from the little sigh with eye rolling type of pronunciation, I must say that it feels like a “Ah I have experience with students writing things and they always make so many mistakes that in the end it will feel like I’d have written the entire book by myself and I don’t even get compensated for it.” That was what pushed my buttons, because with me you basically only have to say “Yes” or globally express what you don’t like, and I do the rest myself. Plus I wanted to split the revenue with those who support me.

Fuck this though I’m depressed enough already. If I hear this from all of my professors I will have jumped off this apartment building by the end of the week. So the entire proposal is off the table now. Plus honestly I think my previous work is post-doctoral enough already.


I’m going to get these washing machine jetons, go past the university bookstore to ask why I – after more than two weeks – have not received a notification that the books I ordered have been delivered and attend English class. ๐Ÿ™ I’ll FangChatdiarypost you after that. โ™ฅ (Unless I pass out from fatigue. Keep an eye on my Twitter please.)


15:05 (03:05 PM) [GMT +2]

Before I further dive in to how much I am disappointed in life and causality, let me start with a different topic…

Party Planning

About a week ago I sent my (digital) birthday invitations. I sent (including my mother contacting friends of the family of whom I don’t have a phone number) about 70 invitations. The last time I did this was when I turned 19. About the same people are invited. In the invitation I said that because of the amount of people invited… Ah let me show you the invitation. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s another essay ahahahhaahaha ๐Ÿ™ .

I will be scrolling down for this occasion…

November 2nd because of work and the travel distance for most people

It’s so long it had a “read more” button…

Yaa long story

Feels weird to have a gift list

30 people or so have confirmed their attendance. Most people have told me that they already have plans for that day. (That could mean so many things… But I’d rather not think about that.)

We’re going to have some fun. ๐Ÿ™‚ Will you be attending as well? Ha if I’d get a penny for every time someone reading my blog ignored that. If you’re Graey you’re so welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚ Putting my info here out in the open might not be that convenient when it comes to the risk of a Project X, but it’s not the first time I share my location etc. so…

On November 1st I have plans of laying in bed with the sheets over my head and not opening the blinds and not wearing clothes all day. ๐Ÿ™‚

Another type of planning I will have to do certainly now that I went down on one knee and heard “no”, is study planning.

Study Planning

Today I finally got the remainder of books that was not present at the university store when I bought them, so I can start catching up without the feeling that something is missing. (Though it turns out that for accounting and sociology books that are not sold by the university store are required for the course. It is referred to all the time. I’ll have to magician โ‚ฌ200 or so to buy them.)

If I can keep my eyes open after preparing tomorrow’s mathematics practicum, I’ll start on that today. Otherwise it will be tomorrow, but I’d rather start studying tomorrow… My weekend starts from tomorrow onward. ๐Ÿ™‚ Study weekend… I will be pacinggg… Doing a chapter per day or something… (And should reallyyy cut down on trips to the Netherlands yooo.)

Only a bunch of straight (grrr fuck you ๐Ÿ™ (es adjective) ) A’s will get me past my shattered heart and the feeling of academic worth. I want to do this shit cum laude with trashy attendance rates. Honestly I think grade punishments for low attendance rates aren’t the way to go… Ah just like in English class today, we had a discussion and I learnt that most people, including me, would rather see tuition rates stay the same than university education become free with a 1% lifetime graduate tax. (And I didn’t even play the immigration card… I just (elaborately) mentioned the government’s debt deficit, unemployment, drop-outs and overcrowded lecture halls for contra arguments.)

My study planner will include moments to work on my new book. ๐Ÿ™‚


I really wonder why the universe has put me on this path. I wonder when the hope shattering pain stops. It has to end at some point – as in I can’t become successful without cooperation and all I hear is “nooo” – I think? My fate is not to commit suicide, right? Sometimes I really just don’t know. Look at this diary and how much I struggle to get my message across.

I’m also so lonely here, while I don’t think that I’m an unbearable person to be around? I don’t understand. (Though in a way I do understand because my complex formulation – while I still always try to keep things simple – are tiring to hear at some point, I guess. Sometimes I get tired from my own thoughts. Sometimes or always, hmmm… ๐Ÿ™ But there must be someone with whom I can declutter my thoughts, whose thoughts I can declutter. You know how highly intelligent people often convince themselves of things that are incorrect because they’re trying too hard to fit in… I miss this person so much that it makes me feel empty. I think Tishe is hoogbegaafd? (And I think I can sense when someone is.)

My laundry will be dried in a few…

It was a lot

Why always when I walk around in my sweats I come across hot people. x_x I didn’t expect someone to step out of the elevator… My hello was so awkward. x_x

I must go, my love.

Love youuu 😸 ♥


22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT +2]

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Boropasi [Sunday, October 6, 2019]

I’ve been thinking out my boropasi to climb up the academic ladder. Boropasi (with the “B” from “Book”, the “O” from “Order”, the “R” from “Rotterdam”, another “O” from “Order”, the “P” from “Pasta”, the “A” from “Dwaas” (as far as I know, English does not have a word with the A-sound from “boropasi”), the “S” from flattening tyre (lol yesssss), and the “I” from “Receive”) means “sluiproute”, “shortcut”, in Sranan Tongo (“my dialect” (I am not that fluent in)). Specifically the type of shortcut where one maneuvers through rural lands or residential areas, making the passenger travelling with the local think “Is this really the way there…?” Yes, it’s just a boropasi.

My love,

Last night I visioned a way to climb up the academic ladder in a way that genuinely resembles academic skill and that also suits my specific situation (as in it’s not really something any student could do, which is what I need because I need to be able to claim the exception). There’s some fine-tuning that needs to be done for the concept still, though. Let me first tell you how I got there…

Granny Turned 83

It was my grandmother’s 83rd birthday yesterday, of which the celebration started around 5 PM. My mother and I scheduled, about a week ago, to go for lunch the same day. But in the meantime so many tasks came up…

Like getting these rails to het milieupunt (in the Netherlands because in Belgium it’s more expensiveยฟ In the Netherlands it’s “free”(though WOZ belasting is paid), as well as my empty cans of paint and my (more than 30 years) old rice cooker that broke down two nights ago.

Like an estafette because they were too tall for the elevator. I hold this then my mother walks to the stairs below to hold them so I can walk to the stairs below, et cetera.

On a windy way to the Netherlands

Together with our new friendย  on my mother’s scarf (travelling with an open window haha)

Yay technology ๐Ÿ˜€

And getting these groceries I can’t find in Belgium.

That will be some dinner on Monday meowwww

And I had to go past Rabobank to finally cancel that Elia PR bank account. (Turned out that when I called the help desk on Thursday, though my balance was – โ‚ฌ1, I was sent cancellation forms. I thought they couldn’t send it without my balance on โ‚ฌ0.) When I got to my parents’ house, the cancellation forms were there. (Posted right before going for the train. ๐Ÿ™‚ )


For lunch we had a Subway steak & cheese sandwich in the car haha.

At my parents’ house after doing all that, my grandmothers and a friend of my sister were there. We were chatting. Later my aunt and cousin came. Later my sister and her boyfriend. By that time we still hadn’t heard that the Surinamese home cooked-style food we ordered was ready. It was already paat 8 and my train left at 10 PM. ๐Ÿ™ By the time we got the food my mother dropped me off at Rotterdam Centraal, with my dinner in my bag, just a few minutes early for my train. ๐Ÿ™

In the train, I drafted my academic boropasi. (Coming up with the name this morning.) Hungry, I ate at home.


Really short drafty

It was tasty but now I really need a Basic Fit membership (though I will get that once I get my stu-fi about which I also have something to say later in this post) for eating past 11 PM again. x_x


At once, it is my aim to:

  • Be challenged
  • Achieve academic acknowledgement (with a title)
  • Create new business opportunities
  • Work on a new project (in which the 3-year curriculum is implemented)

With my boropasi, I could do this in a lot less than 3 years. If my professors (basically all of them) accept my proposal. That proposal consists of 4 parts.


And I really need to put an extra layer of blackboard paint on my wall. x_x

  1. My motivation
    About who I am and why I am doing this.
  2. Previous works
    An overview of what I’ve been writing about – including part 2 of Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy which will be online by the time I hand this in – with a selection of essays in the appendix. This is the main thing that distinguishes me from other students. (What I’ve written about Keynes and Evolving Individualism, basically. Maybe also my Business Overture…)
  3. Implementing the Curriculum
    An overview of the way I will use theories from each subject in practice in this project. For some I will be answering self-stated research questions like these:

    For others I will be implementing knowledge into D.O.C.I.S. International.

  4. “The Deal”
    I hope to publish the essays written in context of the curriculum can be published as a book that is reviewed (and co-written) by my professors. What would be even cooler is if they would also publish (some of) their own (pending) works with D.O.C.I.S. International. And to do a film project when the book is out.
    And that by the end of all that I may be called prof. dr. ir. Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs. And attract investors.

Though my last post I said that I want to hand this in on Monday. My aim will be to hand it in the Monday after that. Let me catch up with what I missed the past 2 weeks, work this proposal out in peace (not longer than 5 pages excluding appendices), and live a short student experience (going to the introduction week of the African Youth Organization starting Monday) before I hopefully change (and take control of) my study experience.

My mother warned me they could tell me that I should skip my side projects and just be a regular student for three years, and that I should consider talking to a study advisor. It has incentivized me to look at the bright side of starting to hand out my proposal a Monday later. Only a professor could make me a professor, so no need for a study advisor. (Maar gerichter en schematischer te werk gaan om een herhaling van 2017 te voorkomen. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Meowww I will be mopping the floor and cleaning the toilet and stuff… And having dinner… After that, I have some more things I would like to share. About the planned reform of the study finance system, about my recent activity on Twitter, about my furniture, about a potential birthday party, about my Tantalus torment love feelings, et cetera. (Ah and by the way I got that psychiatric phone call Friday at almost five, when I was taking a long nap, waking up past their office hours. So I will call back on Monday.)ย  ๐Ÿ™‚


17:27 (05:27 PM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen


It has come to my attention that the system of study finance has been discussed in Dutch politics quite often lately, as a terrible mistake that should be reversed immediately. That it causes stress for students, is the argument used to defend that most often.

It might cause stress, but they all know what they have gotten themselves into, so I don’t see why that should be a reason to abolish it? I know the risk I’m taking. People saying that “That is a lot of money that has to be paid back,” are like students being told that after 1 year they will get a test about 100 pages, and then 2 days before the test say that 100 pages is too much for a test. We have been well informed. (Including the interest rate that could skyrocket out of nowhere.)

With my boropasi and other plans, I am working hard to be able to pay it back. And so are many others.

(Not saying that it was not a terrible idea to create this much debt for both students and the government. But now that it is here…)

I hope that by reversing it, they will re-introduce “de basisbeurs”, or something else “low-risk”, for future students. For current students, I don’t recommend to force them to the same switch. Because people like I build on that loan system now. I can’t pay my rent and other bills if they’d suddenly say: “Zooo kijk eens Dominique hier โ‚ฌ350 per maand helemaal van jou. ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

I really wonder what their plans for transition will be. I will be watching closely…

Keti Koti

Another thing I’ve heard is that Prime Minister Rutte has been, by mister Kuzu from the DENK party, asked to attend the coming edition of Keti Koti. I wonder what his response will be. It’s something controversial – for the Netherlands denies being racist so then he can’t say no to this right, but if he says yes then he will get racists all over him saying things about betrayal I’m sure (though people are always calling him all kinds of things anyway so I would go if I were him) – so I really wonder how he will go about this.

If he would go then it would finally be forced to be taken seriously nationally. Watching it last year was hard (can’t get rid of that image of that interviewer trying to force someone to say “I love chicken” and Surinamese nationalism was inappropriate as well. It should be about multicultural unity and equality). If he goes then I want to go too. (As his friendly +1 yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Could my boropasi make that possible? )

Twitter Activity

A few nights ago, I had one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep and tweeted whatever came to mind all night long. Followed by expressing my frustration from uni being less challenging than I expexted. And then venting frustration about how most people don’t like to use their brains after seeing so many non-interested students.

Note to self: I should stop venting these things on Twitter because people do not understand.

En het komt ook heel anders uit de verf wanneer het in 140 tekens is samengevat.

May my boropasi lead me to people who do care. And only people who do care. Non-interested people are very toxic.

Where’s my Fauteuil?

As you may have noticed, a lot of furniture from the design I drafted in the blog post before I moved in here actually is in my apartment. Simultaneously, a lot of things are not. Things I have been drooling over, such as a big carpet and a red fauteuil. Both in the living room.

I still intend to add those things to my apartment. It just needs to wait until I have money like that to spend (again)… Hopefully my boropasi will add to this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Throwing a Party?

I’ve already said that I’d rather not celebrate my birthday. But quite some people would like to visit my new place, plus my studies, so best would be to have everyone visit me when I throw a birthday party the weekend of November 1st. A party on the roof of the building I live in.

Though I don’t know though. I don’t feel emotionally ready to be smiling and entertaining guests and giving house tours. So much I don’t want to discuss happened since the last party I threw. Plus I can’t invite Tishe and my B ๐Ÿ™ . And Antwerp is far from where most people I’d invite live.

But I’ve already been told that it’s easy to put the party tent we have at home up on the roof top. And it would be a housewarming at the same time. Plus there are hotels next to the building I live in so the drunks could stay there lol. And most of all, my parties are often so busy that discussing the past is quite impossible. I’ll be chatty all over the place.

Ah by the way, I wonder how my boropasi will influence my regular schedule. Like will I still have to be a regular student? Or (big yays) will I be surrounded by Graeynissis only?

Meanwhile I have washed, dried and put away the dishes, shut off the lights in the living room et cetera. The idea of throwing a party going through my mind as I was doing these things. I think I should go really for it. Soon. I think it will be fun. And should start claiming people’s agendas for a trip to Antwerp like tomorrow. I’ll ask the facility manager what the procedure is for throwing rooftop parties, and inform my neighbors with a letter.

PartyFangs ayyy she hopes to see you. ๐Ÿ™‚ Though again I should be careful, because no Project X type of things. But you’re welcome if you know how to find me. ๐Ÿ™‚


These love feelings seem to get more serious by the day. Because every day, more and more I see that there is no one like him.

I wonder if he thinks of me the way I think of him. And if he still visits my blog.

This is a Tantalus torment to me, because every time I zone out (and do not focus on the Head Cuddle lol) and every time I lay down, I get lost in the fantasy I have of him. We have the type of love I wish I had with my ex. A respectful, sweet and passionate type of love. I don’t know if that will ever be, or if it will just stay this fantasy. That is what makes this the most Tantalus-ish. I wonder if my boropasi can contribute to seeing him again. (And/or be my birthday guest omg meowww.)

It is that night again. Taking a bath seems to have become a Sunday night thing.

Not long before undressing, I took this picture

Without eating tiramisu this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a lecture tomorrow at 08:30 and I’ll be zen soaking for a little while longer. See you tomorrow.


00:06 (12:06 AM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

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My life โ™ฅ

How’s life?

Different? The same? Fun? Or lame?

Do you have enough time for your passions?

You know that everything you dislike about life will vanish in 3 years, right? Maybe it will be less. Hopefully it will not be more.

On Track

I’m on track. ๐Ÿ™‚

My soup left-overs are in the fridge and I have scrubbed the black paint off of my feet. And in the long run, I will end up where I desire to be no matter what. Regardless what gets there first: my business or my professorship.

I don’t know how many off days I will have until my education program edit is processed, but I really need some time to throw around my websites again, using a content management system for my business website and smoothly ending my book club permanently. I should have kept my concept less interactive the way it was before I funded the book club…

Before that – though I should really get to it because it’s like a store display that says that I’m out of business haha – I’d like to get to my research and actually also start writing a new book. I’d like to replace the book club and reselling part of my book store (meoow for a printing press and publishing D.O.C.I.S. editions of books with an introduction written by me yay) with that in my figurative store display.

When it comes to professorship I’d like to – as you know – write a ton of papers instead of following the herd up the academic ladder. But for the apartment I’m coming home to, anything is fine, really. ๐Ÿ™‚


In the past few years, my “normal” heart rate suited a “I’m in a life or death situation and I’m running for my life”-type of situation (a description of how fast my heart goes “normally”). But last night, I noticed it’s easier for me to register separate beats again. Now my heart rate suits an “omg my crush is standing right there”-situation (description of my current type of heart rate).

“Just do what makes you happy,” is the most natural way to heal my tachycardia, is what doctor Franz said last time I visited him.

Living on my own makes me so happy I still can’t believe that this is real. On top of that, I love the prospect of becoming ProfFangs. I think that is why my heart rate is stabilizing. Though I should really go for a check-up, for my last check-up was over a year ago, I believe.

Because sometimes I still feel light headed and still feel random intense pains. Like my back is killing me right now. And sometimes I feel like I can faint at any moment. But then I meditate on the fact that I am all alone here, so I really cannot pass out. It has been working this far. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I feel like passing out sleep-wise. After getting wild laky meow bathing in candle light is one of my weaknesses.

Not unusual trippy time of day good night ♥


03:03 AM [GMT -2]

Antwerpen Kievitwijk

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Painting Day [Tuesday, October 1, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

Last Night

I clicked “confirm” yesterday around 6 PM

After that, I realized that it’s no use going to lectures (especially because the fact that it does not suit my educational background is a bit saddening), so I have off days until my change of education program has been processed.

And I really miss the white boards I used to have in my room – not that I want them back, because I have a better alternative to be mentioned soon – for being able to quickly note whatever comes to mind I should memorize.

So I figured, today – though my flu is getting worse – is a good day to paint that one wall with school board paint. A full wall so that I have a lot of space to write wildly. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s like a dream of mine.

So that is what I did last night until about 23:30 PM: preparing for today’s paint job.

Including wiping the wall with paint remover, by means of preparing.

Oh and I haven’t showed you this angle of my apartment yet: no television. ๐Ÿ˜€ I should get a painting for this wall though, though I’d like it to become my projection wall for when I purchase a beamer for gaming and perhaps an occasional movie.

Ah and I go crazy from having bio trash in my house (e.g. slicing an onion and throwing away the skin). The scent is awful. A large trash can with a lid (and separate containers to sort waste) should be on top of my list now. I can’t wait until I can write stuff like this down on my wall.

Me throwing away trash at 11 PM.

Oh and messy but I made salad and gebakken tonijn last night

Not that rosรฉ but still best tuna I’d ever whipped

Tea & een krentenbol met pindakaas en chocopasta as late night snack

I washed these sheets and stuff yesterday. Though I have more dekbedovertrekken, this is the only one I find prettyyy.

Ah and my grandfather’s boooks (just a handful of them though) – except the book by Stephen Hawking – meowww I’ll be able to make better use of them with the education program I switched to. โ™ฅ

I’m going to get to painting now. Afterwards, I’ve listed some things last night I’d like to mention today.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


Wall for Crayons

It’s finished yay ๐Ÿ™‚

Never before had I painted a wall. I think I did quite well. Especially because this is not for aesthetics but for crayons. ๐Ÿ™‚

It took longer than I thought though. Mainly because I used a small roller of a foam texture. The big rollers I have, I only have in a fluffy texture and that did not only not suit the type of paint I was using, it also did not suit my parsimonious way of painting.

I started around 2 and was finished around 7. In total, I used 1 liter of blackboard paint. Because I didn’t have more. 1.5 liter would have been better for a more solid second layer. Something my gut told me way before I started, but I’d rather spend that โ‚ฌ20 on something else (and stay inside all day).

I love its matte finish. (& That stain on the ceiling is from me making a trippy move on the ladder, staining the ceiling with black paint and then removing that with paint remover, leaving a mix of wiped out black paint and the base color of the ceiling behind. x_x)

From tomorrow I can write on it yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ (And when I move, I should either paint this white myself or hire a painting service.)

Educational Transition

I wonder how long it will take for my switch of program to be logged. I mean I find it really chill to have some time to enjoy my apartment without thinking of pending school tasks, but the longer it takes, the more I miss.

Economist suits ProfFangs better than Mathematician, I guess. I’m very happy with my decision, and happy that I did it this way. Without having tapped into mathematics education here, I would not have known it does not suit me. Now, in case I find economics not challenging enough again, I know it’s better to stick to challenging myself by using the theory in practice. It’s better than having trying to keep up as my challenge.

Plus, as a Mathematician I think one should enjoy being challenged by mathematical puzzles and making mathematical puzzles for others, and I do not always have that insight.

So yes yay, at least three years of economics (for becoming ProfFangs takes more time, according to the academic system) coming up.

Previously, blogging as Lil Fangs and existing in general were like torture, being stuck in the same spot. Now, as a student, I will be stuck in the student spot for a while, but at least it will get me somewhere in this sheepy shit system and at least I have my own apartment that is designed in a way that is very satisfying to me.

Really, my blogging only has purpose when I’m shaking things up. (En dan bedoel ik contextueel mijn handen aan de knoppen hebben als in economisch beleid met een wiskundige grondslag.) Other than that, I’m just posting new things so that people keep visiting my websites and I will have an audience when I finally get to shaking things up.

So yes, this does not comply with any how-to-run-a-business sheepy customs. As everyone notices. Lights. This is not a product made to be popular. If that were so, that means that I’d have to dumb it down way further.

I’m still not shaking things up. And I still have a lot of half-contextual things to mention. To give you an impression of why my blog posts – except my books, poems and essays – have been about nothing: this post is themed painting a wall. While my psychiatric past is still haunting me and there still has been no Volta. Though me living on my own now has caused a Lil Volta of 70%. All I need to do is seal things (but that includes my title of ProfFangs and that takes long ๐Ÿ™ ) and then I can start shaking things up. Sociopolitieconomilegally. (Notice the 1 “l”, for I’m not breaking any rules.)


Oh my goddd I’m turning 23 in exactly one month from now. x_x 23 and I’m still not changing the world with my alternative policy in practice meow this hurts. What hurts more than that is my past 2 birthdays. Therefore I do not want to celebrate my birthday. I’m considering to visit my shrink on November 1st. The most stressful and traumatic day of the year to me. The sentiment that comes with birthdays, combined with the hurtful loneliness I’ve experienced on my past 2 birthdays. I’m happy I can be alone now…

Though I’d rather not be 100% alone the way I am right now. I’d like to be 99% alone, accompanied by some sexy Graeynissis. Our minds are so similar that being together feels the same as being alone: I can act just as “weird” without feeling weird (or being called “weird”).

What would be over-satisfyingly sexy right now is a houseTishe. Like I couldn’t help but notice and worry those above averagely frequent weeks off? Next time being free be my houseTishe, please? ๐Ÿ˜€ We can be alone now. =x I’m just so curious about perception and vrijetijskleding enzo…

We moeten gewoon een keer voor de grap de rollen omdraaien ofzo. (Ik wil echt heel graag een huisman met een haarnetje. Ahahaha just kidding.) Wil best graag kostwinnaar zijn. And then come home to you every day. 😻

Meowww I’m going to take a bath and – in contrast to last time’s no phone policy – write a new blog post.

To be continued.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


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First Dayay [Tuesday, September 24, 2019]

Goedemorgen โ™ฅ

It’s my first day of university in Antwerp. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Sorry ik ga weer in het Nederlands verder.

Op dit moment wacht ik op de bus…

De andere bus ging net voorbij toen ik voor een rood stoplicht stond, aan de andere kant van de halte. Ze gaan om het kwartier, dus ik kom nu aan om 10:37 in plaats van 10:22. Het was mijn intentie om die 20 minuten te gebruiken om de collegezaal te vinden en een zitplek te (kunnen) claimen die niet helemaal vooraan is. Nu mag ik blij zijn als ik om 10:45 binnen ben ah x_x.

Nu zit ik in de bus

Hoewel ik langs de Ikea moet en ook langs het kantoor dat gaat over sport voor de universiteit want daar moet ik een vingerafdrukscan voor maken en vragen of ik me kan opgeven voor het basketbalteam zonder een Facebook account te hebben, ga ik er vanuit dat ik super moe ben na mijn colleges van vandaag. Dus alleen maar langs de Delhaize voor wat kleine boodschappen. Melk, Calvรฉ pindakaas, Aromat en nog een paar andere dingen volgens mij.

Meoow ik ben echt nerveus. Ik weet echt niet wat ik moet verwachten. Maar ik kijk er hoe dan ook naar uit. Dit is mijn nieuwe leven. ๐Ÿ™‚


10:33 (AM) [GMT -2]


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Officiรซle Yays

Mijn lief โ™ฅ

Het is nu super officieel: ik heb een eigen huis. Mijn eigen plek. Heb hier gisternacht voor het eerst geslapen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Sinds mijn vorige post is het ontzettend snel gegaan. Donderdag heb ik mijn huurcontract getekend, samen met mijn moeder als borgsteller. En vrijdag kreeg ik mijn sleutels!

Ik kreeg die vrijdag een leuke rondleiding en zag toen (pas) dit mooie gezamenlijke dakterras ๐Ÿ˜€

Voordat ik naar Antwerpen reed was ik nog even langs Ikea gegaan om alvast een tafel te halen. En nam alvast wat spullen mee. In die witte doos zitten (net als in vele andere dozen die ik hier nu heb) boeken. Had ook alvast vitrages gekocht, maar er bleken rails in een afwijkend formaat te hangen. (Het gordijn dat er nu hangt ziet er echt fout uit. Maar rails fixen we vandaag.)

Na de rondleiding liep ik een paar keer heen en weer van de auto naar het appartement (gelukkig mocht ik even voor de deur parkeren), om spullen uit te laden.

Hier nog

wat foto’s

van mijn

appartement in

leegstand ๐Ÿ™‚

Toen ik klaar was met uitladen (en nog geen bank had)

Had ik even zo’n liggend reflectiemoment waarop ik tot mezelf probeerde door te dringen dat dit echt zal zijn waar ik de komende paar jaar thuis zal komen. Echt geen besef dat dit mooie appartement echt van mij is. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Dit kleed is voor de slaapkamer eigenlijk, maar het lag in de woonkamer voor het in elkaar zetten van de tafel.)

En ik had gekke honger maar nog geen pannen. Gelukkig heeft ook deze Lidl een broodjesafdeling. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Plus er zijn nog veel eetwinkels die ik wil checken hier. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Daarna tafel in elkaar gezet.

I love Ikea so much! It’s like making a puzzle that gives you furniture. I find this great fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

Daarna moest ik snel richting Rotterdam om mijn oma op te halen en naar huis te gaan, want mijn oom uit de Bahama’s, samen met zijn vrienden/zakenpartners kwamen langs op de avond voordat ze terug naar huis gingen, voor de barbecue die mijn vader had georganiseerd. Het was mooi weer en het was ontzettend gezellig. ๐Ÿ™‚

Big happyays (mijn oom staat rechts van mij)


Zaterdag samen met mama de dozen van mijn bed, bureaustoel, eetstoelen, kookgerei et cetera naar mijn appartement verplaatst. Deze foto nam ik (weer) bij Ikea Breda.

Toen was het al best laat, want we waren al vrij laat naar mijn oma vertrokken, waar we toen langer bleven omdat ze ontzettend veel extra serviesgoed enzo had – en zelfs een kleine grilplaat – die ze kon missen. ๐Ÿ™‚ Daarna naar Ikea en toen nog even deze stoel in elkaar gezet, voordat we om over twaalven ‘s nachts weer terug naar huis reden.

En gister…

De verhuizing van de rest. Ik heb trouwens deze Mark Visser bank die nog op zolder stond, in plaats van die Ikea bank. ๐Ÿ™‚ Zou deze graag opnieuw willen (laten) stofferen. (Sorry het is echt een puinhooop maar hopelijk kan ik dat vandaag al grotendeels fixen. Vooral nadat mijn boekenkast staat.)

We waren ook nog langs Ikea gegaan voor mijn boekenkast en matras. En ook mijn fiets was mee. (Die staat nu in de fietsenstalling beneden.) We hadden voor al deze spullen een Boedelbak gehuurd en waren met twee auto’s. ๐Ÿ™‚

Mijn bed staaaaat! ๐Ÿ˜€ Hier lig ik nu te typen.

Mijn matras is heerlijk hoog en stevig ๐Ÿ™‚

De keuken is een zooitje die ik gister na deze foto al deels verder had opgeruimd en na dit weer verder ga opruimen

Dit wordt mijn kledingkast ๐Ÿ™‚

Waavoor ik gister, nadat mijn ouders waren vertrokken, alvast een rekje in elkaar had gezet.

Het kleedje is verhuisd naar de slaapkamer. ๐Ÿ™‚ (En de lades moeten nog in mijn bed.)

En het bijzettafeltje uit mijn vorige slaapkamer (die nu mij zusje’s kamer is) – het bijzettafeltje dat mijn moeder bij Ikea kocht toen ze uit huis ging – is ook mee. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ik heb nu een anti-knars bitje voor het slapen. Dit was echt mijn beste nacht ooit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Mijn badkamer gisternacht.

Vandaag wil ik de huismeester vragen wanneer mijn badkamerkast met meters van binnen weer in elkaar gezet kan worden, een zwart kleedje halen voor over de bank (want helaas is de huidige meubelstof eromheen niet goed meer), mijn bureaustoel, bedlades, overige stoelen en boekenkast in elkaar zetten. Mijn ouders komen later vandaag ook langs om me verder te helpen. Mijn vader gaat nieuwe gordijnrails (van een formaat waarvoor we wel runners hebben kunnen vinden) plaatsen yay. ๐Ÿ˜€

Want wat er nu hangt is zo gรชnant… Maakte het gister van rails eindstops en haakjes met klemmen eraan. Het hangt helemaal scheef en dit gordijn moet eigenlijk 90 graden gedraaid zijn. Echt genant meow ik ga snel de douche schoonmaken en douchen zodat ik deze constructie kan weghalen.

Maar eerst de keuken opruimen en wat eten. Daarna dat kleedje halen bij de Action en daarna verder met dingen in elkaar zetten.ย  Ik plaats later vandaag weer een update. En morgen trouwens mijn eerste colleges van mijn nieuwe opleiding omg.

Tot lateer xxx

Haha trouwens. Toen ik gisternacht in mijn bed lag en meer begon te voelen dat ik hier altijd heerlijk alleen zal kunnen zijn, realiseerde ik dat mijn grote fobie is dat ik ooit iemand binnenlaat die dan na verloop van tijd niet weg wil terwijl ik dat wel wil. Haha ik ben zo graag alleen meow dat kan echt niet gebeuren. Het zou – hoewel ik natuurlijk altijd streef naar groei – me echt niet uit maken als dit de plek is waar ik, alleen, oud word. (Yesss sexy grijs.)

Oh en trouwens: hoewel de Belastingdienst mijn bezwaar tegen die boete van bijna โ‚ฌ400 euro heeft gehoord en de boete heeft kwijtgescholden, zeggen ze dat als ik zo weinig omzet blijf draaien, ik mijn bedrijf zal moeten opzeggen. D.O.C.I.S. International is de baby waar ik nu al meer dan een jaar voor zorg. Die kan ik toch niet afstaan. ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ Anders moet ik misschien kijken of ik het in Belgiรซ kan registreren (en dan zooo veel omzet draaien oefff)… Ik moet hier nog even over nadenken. Ik ga mijn onderneming echt niet opzeggen. ๐Ÿ™


12:27 (PM) [GMT -2]

Antwerpen ๐Ÿ˜€

I took a picture to show you my dish washing results.

And one of my breakfast past lunchtime. Caesar salad with the best egg I’ve ever whipped. Ginger + unions + chinese five spices + paprika powder + soy sauce is a very good base for an egg.

After that I showered in slight dark because my bathroom lamp is not hanging yet and my parents have warned me dat loshangende peertje is brandgevaarlijk met douchevocht.

After going to the Action to settle for a blanket that was not the one I saw online, I did my main grocery shopping (things like rice, pasta and rosemary I won’t buy as frequent as milk and eggs). [***** I forgot milk lol.] I was a big drama at the checkout.

My yay edition of pasta bolognese (es fennel). Also added champignons.

Die hoeveelheid was niet voor mij alleen. Mijn ouders waren langsgekomen om me te helpen en mijn moeder was nog voor me langs de Ikea geweest. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

End resulttt (mijn pannen zijn niet groot genoeg om bij deze hoeveelheid pasta en saus in 1 pan te koken, so separateee)

Een tijdelijke opstelling die minder genant is. Ik moet nog wat extra metalen aanhechtingsdingetjes en schroeven ervoor hebben om de nieuwe rails aan het plafond vast te maken. En ze moeten ooit gezoomd worden.

Ah kijk het soort glas dat ik vandaag heb gekocht. ๐Ÿ™‚ En dat dekentje waarvoor ik gesettled had (ze hadden niets meer in het zwart en niets van 2m(+), maar die vlekken op de bank zijn zo gรชnant dat ik gewoon iets moet kiezen ๐Ÿ™ ). In mijn ogen zegt het: “Mooi dekentje die ook een beetje van de originele schoonheid van de bank laat zien.” Die bank staat naar rechts omdat er ruimte nodig was om de kast in elkaar te zetten.

Ik houd zo erg van deze kasttttt

Ik nam die andere foto in een awkward hoek omdat er een schroef uitsteekt (voor de linkerkaars) die ik er niet met een inbussleutel in krijg, dus heb ik een boor met dezelfde inbusingang nodig, maar ik weet niet hoe ik de schroefkop van de boor af krijg. ๐Ÿ™ En die inbuskop ligt thuis x_x. Dus even wachten tot volgend weekendd.
Verder is het inrichten van deze boekenkast een heel speciaal moment voor mij.

Dit is gewoon alles wat ik wilde in het leven. Een eigen boekenkast in mijn eigen woonkamer. (Niet te letterlijk nemen:) Ik kan nu vredig sterven. Wanneer ik klaar ben dan tenminste. Heb nog 3 dozen met boeken and stuff…

Dus daar ga ik nog even mee verder. En de keuken opruimen. Daarna kleren uitzoeken voor morgen en dan naar bed. Eerste collegedag omg. En ook gelijk tot 6 uur ‘s avonds. Ik ben zoo benieuwddd…

Heb er wel zin in. En ben verder gewoon echt benieuwd hoe alles zal zijn. Ik neem aan dat iedereen in de “nieuwe vaste omgeving met nieuwe mensen”-situatie daar hetzelfde naar kijkt.

Moet het echt niet te extreem laat maken en ruim op tijd weg want ik ga zeker onmin moeten zoeken naar welke collegezaal/ welk lokaal (ben echt benieuwd hoeveel eerstejaars er zullen zijn) ik moet zijn.

Welterusten alvast โ™ฅ


23:57 (11:57 PM) [GMT -2]

Antwerpen ๐Ÿ˜€

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Heyy โ™ฅ


My love, I still can’t believe that I got this good news yesterday. As expected, I was too late sending my files for the apartment I showed you in my previous post. It was already rented to someone else. But yesterday I got a call with the news that I got a similar apartment a few storeys higher. ๐Ÿ˜€

A higher home means a better view. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m sooo happyyy I still can’t believe that this is real! โ™ฅ

Like before that call I spent my hours in stressed couch cuddle mode (watching the Belgian series “De Bunker”), thinking of planning new visitations while knowing that there’s almost no chance of finding an apartment I’ll like more than this one, worried about getting any before uni starts next Tuesday. That worry is gone now yay. I’m signing my rental agreement tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚

Yesterday early I was worried about having a place to stay, and now there are moving boxes in my room. ๐Ÿ™‚

After 14 years of having lived here. These boxes are from when we moved from Prins Alexander to ‘s Gravenland 14 years ago. (Took this picture before going to bed last night, though still restless.)

So the timing is already nice. Then there is the modernity of the building (in contrast to the other places visited) and apartment yays: there is an elevator, the walls are steady, there are high windows I’ve dreamt of when I was little, it has the kitchen with oven without microwave exactly the way I want it, rental price includes gas and electricity, the location is sooo chill (next to a supermarket, close to central station, a direct public transport line to the uni (and there is a toko very close by omg)), it is not student housing and I have a bath tub. ๐Ÿ˜€ Such yays. โ™ฅ

Though I’m still very afraid of sudden rejection if, for example, I’m stuck in traffic long again tomorrow or the deposit is not transferred on time. If all goes well – and those worries thus not happen – I’m handed the keys on Friday, which is then when I’ll start moving though having to balance that with family visiting from the Bahamas.

Until I have the keys, I don’t feel certain about my living guaranteed (yet). But I do slowly start to feel that my new life is coming closer. One in which I live on my own in a new environment. Sooo exciting! Though a bit emotional.

The people I see frequently, I might now see once every two weeks or something. Or even less. All my life, I’ve been a distress beacon to many people, giving advice and stepping in to help out. Now I’m becoming long-distance support. Trading my familiarity for a foreign place where I don’t know anyone.ย  I wonder if I’ll make new friends. I know there might be moments of missing the familiar coziness of the environment I’ve lived in all my life. But I’m happy about where things are going.

I’m happy about finally having something serious to do again (a reason to leave the house every day instead of being inside, typing). I’m happy I’m getting the chance to strengthen my position on the labor market. I’m happy to be working towards becoming ProfFangs. I’m happy to be buying my own groceries and living in my own house culture. I’m happy about moving to Belgium, where I’ll still be blending in in an environment that is exotic to me, though being able to speak my first language (Dutch). (I wonder if I’ll also speak with a sexy soft g by the time I have my bachelor’s.) I’m happy I’m taking a strategic distance from psychiatric surveillance. And most of all I’m happy to be able to be alone whenever I want to and have a chance to start over (though with this blog that is not 100% possible).

Meoww I’m going to flip some (subtle flavor) coconut pancakes and slowly start getting to these boxes.

By the way, how do you know to visit my blog only when I’ve posted something new, without looking here to see if there’s something new?

I’ll be typing in Dutch later.


15:13 (03:13 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

Het gaat lekker snel ineens allemaal. Over minder dan een week zal ik alleen nog maar met cijfers bezig zijn. Heerlijk. Ik kan echt niet wachten!

Hoe ik dat verder met de verwerking van de informatie die ik heb gekregen bij het bespreken van mijn essay en het nieuwe boek dat ik wil schrijven ga combineren moet ik nog uitvogelen. Maar ik heb nu infinite tijd voor mezelf dus in principe maak ik me daar geen zorgen om. Van koken tot schoonmaken: alles kan nu op mijn eigen tempo.

Hmmm ik heb het huurcontract nog niet getekend en de borg nog niet overgemaakt – dat gebeurt morgenochtend – dus het voelt nog een beetje te vroeg om definitief te juichen. Als er maar niets misgaat. ๐Ÿ™ Dan kan ik morgen beginnen met wat Ikea dingen in elkaar zetten. Misschien.

De “droominrichting” die ik portretteerde in mijn vorige (was het de vorige of die daarvoor…ยฟ)ย  blog post is in strijd met de realiteit. Ik heb traditioneel een oude bank en andere oude meubels die ik aangeboden heb gekregen. Echt ontzettend lief. (Plus als ik die bank opnieuw zou kunnen bekleden, maar dan met zwart leer, dan vind ik dat misschien zelfs leuker dan Ikea’s FRIHETEN in “bomstad zwart”.)

Wel ga ik echt proberen te pleiten voor een matras en een bedframe (in plaats van alleen een matras in de beginopstelling), want ik ben bang dat alleen een matras op de grond in mijn nieuwe huis een slechte uitwerking op mijn depressie zal hebben. Als iemand dan vraagt waar ik woon zal ik mijn best moeten doen om niet in tranen uit te barsten als ik zeg dat ik mijn leven in Nederland heb omgeruild voor een matras op de grond (wel een matras dat heel lief is voor mijn Wirbelsรคule), op een manier waarop het niet klinkt alsof ik een emotioneel wrak ben. En misschien wat andere basismeubels, zoals een eettafel. Ik wil zo graag mijn autisme gerust kunnen stellen.

Wat fijn was aan mijn “droominrichting” was dat het qua kleuren en stijl een geheel was (zwart, bruin, beige, wit en donkerblauw en rood als kleuraccenten, steeds in precies dezelfde tint). Dat wil ik blijven nastreven en als het dus storend wordt voor het geheel, en dus voor mijn mentale rust, zal ik moeten kiezen voor niets in plaats van iets. Misschien dus een matras op de grond, maar ik hoop het niet.

Als je verhuurder bent en dit leest: mijn misschien karige beginopstelling zegt niets over de betaling van mijn huur. Geen zorgen daarover. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wonder if my Graeynissis will come to visit me. Zou zorgeloos gezellig zijn. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tegelijkertijd is die opkomende intense eenzaamheid wel een zorg. Ik wil graag mijn nieuwe adres bij de KvK registreren, maar wil tegelijkertijd niet dat alles en iedereen mijn precieze adres weet want wie kan me daar beschermen behalve ikzelf? ๐Ÿ™ Ik ken niemand daar. Hopelijk komt daar snel verandering in.ย  Maar vertrouwen is wel een dingetje. Het zal relatief lang duren voordat ik iemand bij me thuis uitnodig.ย  Ik zou het ook fijn vinden om 4 sloten op mijn voordeur te kunnen doen, maar ik weet niet hoe de verhuurder daarover denkt. Morgen zal ik het vragen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wat trouwens echt een upgrade is bij dit appartement is dat ik nu bij een kantoorgebouw naar binnen kijk in plaats van bij een hotel. Een leuker en veiliger uitzicht. ๐Ÿ™‚

En ik ga me trouwens niet uitschrijven in Nederland en beschouw dit adres, waar ik voor minstens drie jaar zal wonen (misschien tenzij ik ineens miljonair word ofzo), mijn kotadres. ๐Ÿ™‚

๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

Veel yays mijn miauw. Als ik nu ga slapen is het voor het gevoel sneller morgen.

Trouwens ligt het aan mij of is/lijkt de Nederlandse politiek ineens een stuk warmer? There’s no more sneak dissing? Big yays for thisss.

Welterusten liefjeee โ™ฅ


22:43 (10:43 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

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Heyyys โ™ฅ

I’m on my way to Grand Vision for my presentation now. Instead of driving there myself, which was the original plan, my father had to be in Amsterdam anyway so he is dropping me off. Now I can have some beers as well yay. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Ahahaha I really feel like jugging some, but will keep it appropriate haha.)

This is such an interesting moment in my life. I hope this will be the first of many speaking opportunities. For that I need to perform well today.

Starting with being on time omg we’re stuck in traffic. ๐Ÿ™ That’s not a super big deal at the moment for we left on time enough. What is stressing me out a little is that we are going to pick up my uncle first – visiting from the Bahamas for a cryptocurrency event – and I want to be at Grand Vision an hour in advance. Now yes I was being a little slow with getting ready (and I stained my dress with bronzer omg Friday the 13th ahahahahaha) but meow dropping me off only takes a second and I don’t know how long my uncle will take to get into the car and how terrible the traffic will be in the center of Amsterdam. I’d like a moment of zen before I begin, instead of running in and having to start right away.

Hahahaha I’ve taken a funny measure to hide my sweatyness earlier (one of the reasons why I took long to get ready). I’ve taped some panty liners onto the inside of the armpits of my dress to absorb my sweat ahahahahaha. I hope to be able to lift my arms without feeling embarrassed and that they won’t fall out of my dress ahahahahaha.

Meowww I’m a tiny bit nervous about using the right words for slide transitions. (You know, the words you say right before you go to the next slide, to keep everything making sense.) And about being able to hide my nerves. But I’ll be fine though. The worry is not that much. I’m more focused on having fun. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m going to revise my slides and will probably be here again at the end of the day. Ciaooo xxx


15:20 (03:20 PM) [GMT -2]


Ah yay I will be dropped off first. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚



As I’m writing this, I’m in the metro to home. At Oostplein currently. The realization of having experienced the moment I have been living up to is not entirely there yet. But I feel the rush of excitement and happiness all over. ๐Ÿ™‚

Though in the beginning of my presentation I was rustyyy. Haha I was really lost for words, exactly with the transition of slides thing I mentioned earlier, and explaining the endeavor of my business and what that has to do with the personal ambitions of every single person on Earth and causality and stuff… It was rusty xd.

But at a later point I became more loose. Especially at the more interactive part, being able to get more direct feedback from my audience. I had no idea if they were enjoying it or not, which made me overthink my words a lot in the beginning. It was my first time doing this after all.

We were with a very diverse group of people from different backgrounds and different ages (though mainly people in their twenties and thirties). Our outcome is very interesting: the great majority of people (no definitive calculations yet, but let’s say 90%) values independency over stability and would rather see their life change than see it stay the same. All that is thus left is providing them an opportunity that suits there wish of more independency, which is what D.O.C.I.S. International is all about. ๐Ÿ™‚

More about that and other cool things tomorrow because I can barely keep my eyes open.

Goooood night โ™ฅ


22:30 (10:30 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

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My precious blog visitor โ™ฅ

Sorry for the delay, my dear. During the day I realized that I really had to test my presentation on that same day, because tonight I will be in Antwerp and having to make big changes on Thursday would be too late to implement new feedback comfortably.

“Test driveee”

So I spent my entire Monday (plus Sunday partly) crafting 58 PowerPoint slides, cooking, (partially) listing what points to make per slide and writing several different types of hand-outs (for both individual and group assignments).

At some point I decided that I should better wing it for now, having noted key statements for only the first 6 slides, because it was getting late and I really needed to try the presentation that day, to make use of the feedback.

So there I went. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was already 12:35 AM, when my mother and I had our cups of tea, ready to walk through this. I was very glad that she was still awake.

From my side I noticed that I was lost for words often from wanting to make the statements that are in the written essay, but having forgotten how I formulated it. So I need to read my essay a time or two and reflect that to my presentation to make sure that I get my point across.

My mother said that the overall presentation was fun, but that I should explain the “formula” better. To make sure that my audience goes home uplifted and with the feeling that my presentation has added something to their lives. You know: “Wat heb ik eraan?”

The “formula” is about this:

I start with saying that by the end of the hour you have a clear answer to this question.

I agree with her. There was an entire section about personal mission in regard to “The Compass” I had left out, because of the time. And because of that, it was a lot less clear why I mentioned what I mentioned in the earlier parts of the presentation and how the question is answered at the end, by the things we have done in the meantime. So that is one of the things I’m going to change when I’m hotel chilling.

This test presentation took about 45 minutes. There were questions asked in the meantime, but the group assignments we could not do (because for that I need at least 4 people and we were with 2), so time-wise it seems like it’s going to be tight. Though at first I was trying to say as many words as possible per slide, it seems like I should better focus on keeping it short. But not too short…

I’m very happy we’ve done this now. Then I have today for little edits and Wednesday to try again. If I’ll try again again on Thursday I don’t know… Maybe I’ll spend that day only focusing on rest and relaxation.

For now I’m going to spend some time on rest and relaxation as well. Good night โ™ฅ


Updated 04:03 (AM)ย 

Capelle aan den IJssel

Heyy โ™ฅ


I’m in the metro in Antwerp as I am writing this. I figured I might as well check out what public transportation is like here, since I might be doing that a lot from September 24th onwards.

Meanwhile I have visited the apartment.

I like the high ceilings and the classic-ish finishing touches ๐Ÿ™‚

This place has no home office though and is next to a relatively busy road, but I could make myself at home here for sure.

The bedroom has a built-in closet which is ultra chill and the living space is large enough to get creative with ๐Ÿ™‚

The bathroom is fine too though I would appreciate an unexposed boiler


Haha my pictures are really random because I was taking them mid-conversation by squeezing my HTC U11 every time entering a different space.

All these apartments are nice but deep down my heart desires a remote piece of land… For now I just need to get through these university years though. ๐Ÿ™‚

Restaurant dinner? Not today ๐Ÿ˜€

This whole journey was quite rushed for I packed just a few minutes before leaving and I was just in time for my visitation by coincidence. I overslept so had dropped my mother off at work to take the car to Antwerp around 14:40.

I checked in at Arass Hotel at 15:30 – breaking some speed rules don’t try that at home – and then struggled with getting the car into the right garage for a while.

There were two garage entrances through the same gate and I saw that the hotel garage entrance required a special key, so decided to park in the other garage just to check in and take my suitcase to my room for a second.

So after checking in and dropping off my bag – plus quickly changing shirts because my adrenaline driving makes me sweaty ahahahahah – I had to drive that Volvo station out of the narrow garage backwards, hoping that no one would attempt to enter it in the meantime. When it comes to that, I was lucky that only one car arrived right after I just left my parking spot. I used my room key to get into the hotel garage – without any new scratches [note I have never scratched a car] ๐Ÿ™‚ –ย  and there I’ll leave it probably until I go back home.

On my way back towards the hotel, I was in doubt whether or not to eat in a restaurant tonight. But my room has a little kitchen and Delhaize (shout out to ((pretty eyed)) Frans I hope you think I’m cool haha) is right across the road, so…

Lil kitchen

Lil groceries for dinner and breakfast. I also bought a bag for vegetables, saving plastic. ๐Ÿ™‚

Lil fridge (just stacking as much as possible there. I like my things in one place (especially for a short stay))

My room is chill ๐Ÿ™‚

*randomly appears* 😸

I’m going to take a nap, cook and spend the rest of the night chilling in my panties yay. The last time I were all alone like this was in Egmond. So I’ll be enjoying my alone time for now. And tinkering my presentation of course. Tomorrow is for city exploration. ๐Ÿ™‚ See you later xxx


Updated 19:40 (07:40 PM)ย 

Antwerp net niet Zurenborg

Simple Dinner Yays

My dinner was very nice. I don’t know what to do with my left-overs. Maybe I’ll be in the mood for a late night snack though. 😸

Usually I hold back when frying in butter. This has taught me to not hold back. 😻

This and that super tasty portabella I ate when I visited my first potential apartment. My picture is popular 😸

Mouse biteee I couldn’t wait for the picture. Haha it now shows that the mustard and mayonaise I bought (plus the garlic) were for my dressing 😸

In other random news:

First I was #1 of Curacao on ASKfm 😸

Now I’m #57 of Belgium 😸

Oh and meooow my dress will be delivered on Friday between 10 AM and 3 PM… I’ll leave the house around 2 PM so I really reallyyy hope it will be there on time. But I should look for a back-up dress, which is what I’ll do tomorrow between 11 and 3 because I have some hours to kill until my next two apartment visitations.

More randomness: it has been a very long time since someone I passed on the street has made me go 😻 . But woaah today when I walked outside Delhaize there was a super tall and muscular guy with brown hair, thick eyebrows and cheeks like Andreas Eriksen, which made me almost want to enter owl mode spinning my neck 180 degrees because damn… 😻 Haha hellooo Belgium. ๐Ÿ˜€ 😻 Ahahahahahaha

More more randomness: I randomly got my period last Thursday. It’s random because last time was September 2018 or something. Usually it’s fucked up, but I was actually quite happy with it because it’s a confirmation dat de boel nog werkt enzo. (Harry Mulisch reference looooool.) It must be from stress relief. As long as it stays infrequent because other than that I still really don’t like that strange part of nature. ๐Ÿ™‚

I say stress relief because I’m starting to see ways to get my concept, including myself with all that I can do, off the ground again, hoping coming Friday will get me good references. And meowww I should get a Wiki page online. Maybe I could do that on Thursday.

For now I’m going to clean the kitchen and see what’s next. Goood night in advance. ♥


Updated 23:07 (11:07 PM)ย 

Antwerpen Borgerhout ยฟ

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Good morning โ™ฅ


Yesterday morning, around 9 AM, my sister and I arrived on Schiphol airport.

We met our loyal family friends from Amsterdam, considered family, at the Departures 2 parking lot, where they went to with two cars: one of theirs and one of ours, so that I could drive my sister and myself home.

My need-for-speed-within-boundaries style of driving brought us home sooner than the navigation system indicated. After having disarmed the home alarm system one of our neighbors watched the remote of while we were gone (haha oops I rang the doorbell exactly when he was walking around in his underpants. “I do that often, too,” unfortunately did not make it less uncomfortable for him haha), I practiced this jazz tutorial while I waited for my sister to be done showering so that I could take a nap.

My nap was very enjoyable, as well as having my own room after a week of sleeping in a shared bedroom (if you know what I mean). I’m going to miss the apartment in Curacao and the setting it came with, though.

After that, I wrote and uploaded the first D.O.C.I.S. Assignment (opens in new tab). I think it is fun. Hopefully you think that too.

Creating it was quite an occupation, so I unfortunately chose to order sushi instead of having dinner around the block.

After that I cleaned the kitchen a little and went to bed again.

Ah I have some pictures I took before leaving Curacao, for on here, which I hadn’t shared yet:

North Sea Bath Festival haha

I got this mosquito bite and hope it will not make me ill ๐Ÿ™

The elastic bands on these shoes were 100% worn out, so they have been trashed. I’ll miss them, because they have accompanied me on many Summer nights. ๐Ÿ™

Flight details curacao amsterdam 2019

I love thisss. It’s nice to have an assistant, hehe.

Pre-flight food. Best yuca fries eveerrrr!

The Dutch coast

I wish my lifestyle were like in Curacao always. Miss it alreadyyy. ๐Ÿ™

Today’s Excitement

Now it’s 06:40 AM and I’ve been awake since about 5 AM, looking up inspiration for my Wikipedia page, the best supermarket (for I have to go to three different locations to shop anyway and they all have supermarkets, so I might as well shop at the cheapest one, but then again I’d like to be time-efficient…) and braiding tutorials.

Our fridge, freezer and cabinets have been emptied of edible food before we left for Curacao. This is an impression of my fat groceries list (though meanwhile more products have been added to the actual list):

[ ] Krentenbollen
[ ] Limoenen
[ ] Truffelkaas
[ ] Pannenkoekenmix
[ ] Kokosmelk
[ ] Vochtig toiletpapier
[ ] Kipfilet
[ ] Kabeljauw
[ ] Eieren
[ ] Bananen
[ ] Pijnboompitten
[ ] Chorizo
[ ] Feta
[ ] Tomaten
[ ] Melk
[ ] Yoghurt
[ ] Brood
[ ] Duo penotti
[ ] Vanillesuiker
[ ] Pindakaas
[ ] Saffraan
[ ] Veldsla
[ ] Spinazie
[ ] Druiven
[ ] Aardbeien
[ ] Walnoten
[ ] Aardappelen
[ ] Gemberbier
[ ] Bakbanaan
[ ] Markoesasap
[ ] Cassave
[ ] Palmolie
[ ] Madame jeanette
[ ] Maizenakoekjes
[ ] Extensions
[ ] Klemmen
[ ] Kleine elastiekjes
[ ] Steelkam
[ ] Haarkapje
[ ] Tandenborstel opzetstukken
[ ] Infuser bottle
[ ] Paksoi
[ ] Tayer
[ ] Lamsvlees
[ ] Drumsticks
[ ] Kruizemunt

My route will be:

Shopping Center Alexandrium (for the most complete “toko” (click for more info (opens in new tab)) and the best and closest by hair shop)

–> Poelier Dijkshoorn (because I’m also in the mood for their ready-made chicken wings I haven’t eaten in a literal decade)

–> De Koperwiek (for new attachments for my toothbrush, as well as fluoride free toothpaste (I just thought of, wasn’t even on my list) and a new infuser bottle (had I shared that the other one fell apart on the train to Amsterdam a few months agoยฟ) and, according to my little search, the relatively cheapest supermarket (Jumbo > Plus)

–> Winkelcentrum Puccinipassage (for cheese and maybe a remainder of groceries and maybe fresh fruit) –> Home

I wonder how long this will take me. I’m going to clock it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Though I already miss not having to cook in Curacao, I’m happy with my diverse schedule of today. Yays for having things to do. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Instead of having only computer tasks all day.)

After grocery shopping, most of my time will be devoted to working on my essay. It will be a lot longer than my other essays, because I want to be more elaborate than I usually am. It will be online before the week ends. (Including the PowerPoint slides for it. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

For the coming event at the University and my upcoming speech and my appearance in general, preferably I’d like a new custom made wig, but that’s crazy expensive and will take a while to be made and delivered, so my best alternative is box braids. I’m tired of twist braids. Box braids have always been something I considered too difficult to do myself, but I’ve become courageous and excited for trying it, after watching these two tutorials:

I’ll start this process off today, after having uploaded my (answers to the) Assignment 1.

My exact tasks for today are:

  • Somehow find things to make breakfast with
  • Shower and stuff
  • Scan in Assignment 1 and request apartment visitations in Antwerp
  • Drive around doing grocery shopping (don’t forget big grocery bags and checking gas)
  • Eat drumsticks
  • Work on essay
  • Cook and eat (mac&cheese + salad)
  • Box braids (preparations)

I’ll also share my Assignment 1 here and how much time I took for this shopping for groceries. Other than that, that will be it for today. See you in a few. xxxxxxx


Updated 07:47 (AM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJsselย 

Clocked Itttt

Here is the finished Assignment 1, also downloadable on The Fangs. (20:57):

Assignment 1 in practice

Can you decipher what my greatest privacy concerns are? Let me know. ๐Ÿ™‚

And grocery shopping went faster than I expected. I’ve clocked itt:

11:08: Started to drive towards Shopping Center Alexandrium.

11:20: Realized that I forgot the shopping bags on the table, so arrived back home.

11:33: Paid for the parking meter at Shopping Center Alexandrium (โ‚ฌ1.72, 1 hour), turning on the music in my earphones to do shopping in the Amazing Oriental (โ‚ฌ19.50) and the hair shop around that block (Toko Alexandria, โ‚ฌ51.96).

11:55: Parked near Poelier Dijkshoorn (โ‚ฌ22.20 for the groceries).


12:15: Arrived at De Koperwiek, answering some texts and setting de parkeerschijf.


12:22: Shopping in Ekoplaza. (โ‚ฌ28.46)

12:32: After having put my Ekoplaza groceries in the car, arrived at Jumbo.

13:02: Having loaded the car with the Jumbo groceries (โ‚ฌ77.20), in doubt between walking all across De Koperwiek for that infuser bottle or trying to find it in Shopping Center Puccinipassage (low chance of succeeding, but quicker).

13:15: Arrived at Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:30: Driving away from Shopping Center Puccinipassage.

13:50: Watching a cheerleader talent show on Spike together with my sister and her boyfriend, while eating “een Italiaanse bol” with truffle cheese and a croissant with ginger jam, after having eaten a handful of mini drumsticks and having stacked the groceries in the fridge, freezer and cabinets.

I felt all yays after having been so productive and having a house full of all kinds of food I like. While shopping, I realized things I hadn’t put on the list, such as mandarins, edge control, a courgette, a cucumber, truffle mayonaise… Things I did not find were an infuser bottle and kruizenmunt.

After a while, I got very tired, so I’m eating late…


I need to get better at making meals for one… Or find a companion… (But the thing is that I’m kind of not (at all) interested in meeting your family and also not very much in introducing you to mine…)


Being able to set my own house policy is something I love soooooo muchhh.

Meoow I’m going to continue on my essay and get started with these box braids. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ll see you tomorrow.

My websites will be down for a while though, because I’m going to do a PHP update on all of them. I’ll share on Twitter when I’ll do this. Hmmm I’ve been above personal averagely absent on Twitter. I guess reading my timeline is a bit frustrating to me, for the amount of nonsense that is considered serious facts.

Ciaooo xxx


Updated 21:33 (09:33 PM) [GMT -2]

Capelle aan den IJssel

The featured image is a Pixabay image of a windmill.

This is my home country, but as long as the majority of Caucasian Dutch people do not understand that I have the right to be here just as much as they do, this place does not feel like home. (Yes, I wish I weren’t born here either. Take me to Planet Fang please. ๐Ÿ™ )

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D.O.C.I.S. Assignment 1: Privacy

Let’s discuss the topic of privacy. The PDF file below is our first D.O.C.I.S. Assignment, getting creative with the book 1984 by George Orwell and the topic of privacy.

Assignment 1

The D.O.C.I.S. Assignment was originally posted on The Fangs (opens in new tab).

The featured image is from Wikipedia (opens in new tab).

To become a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club, please click here (opens in new tab).

Here is an example of a finished Assignment 1:

Assignment 1 in practice

With D.O.C.I.S. Assignments, there is no wrong!

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Sunnyays 7 [Saturday, August 31, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

North Sea Festiyays

I went to the festival as CamFangs yesterday

In Rotterdam they let me in with my camera, so I gave it a shot here as well.

But I had to walk back to the apartment to drop it off because even though I mentioned that there is almost no difference between that camera and a phone camera, it was protocol and some artists don’t like being photographed like that, but if I would have had a fat sports lens on it, they would have allowed it in… x_x

So I saw the last few songs of Pitbull’s

It was fun. I knew quite a lot of songs because I used to listen to his music a lot when I was younger (plus he has many hits).

Then I went to see Kenny G

(This is funny if you’ve read two posts ago:) Het was zo ontzettend mooi! Ik kreeg er kippenvel van.

Kenny G’s music used to make me very emotional as a kid. (That means that it touches my soul.) My mother and grandfather listened to it sometimes.

A lot of songs played made me feel like slow dancing in dim lights. It was also cool that they were playing jazz classics from old to new. I feel like diving into jazz chords now. ๐Ÿ™‚


I’ve been dancing my buns off at Earth, Wind & Fire. And singing really loud.

The loss of Maurice White still hurts. The new generation of artists performing in his place do very well. That warms my heart.

Michael McDonald was yays!

He has such good songs. ๐Ÿ™‚ And played nice classics.

Haha I imagined myself entering creep mode on Victishe. Singing songs like Ain’t no Mountain High Enough and Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing, as I run after him and he is trying to escape ahahaha it would be a funny sketch. (Though also a lil painful.)

I arrived at Maxwell during Stop the World hehe

I was in time to hear him play my favorite classics of his: Sumthin’ Sumthin’ and Ascension

The Black Eyed Peas were also very enjoyable. Their new member is very good. ๐Ÿ™‚

It was a party from start to end.

I used to listen to their music a lot when I was in primary school. And they have plenty of hits. I knew many songs (except “Where is the Love” except where that line is sung).

Maroon 5 is rehearsing, I hear (12:07). It’s too bad I can’t see them.

Sunnyays and Sunnyhoes

If I ever want ro read back my holiday in Curacao 2019, I can simply search “Sunnyays” or “Sunnyhoes”. It is also an interesting display of social isolation.

My flight has been delayed with an hour. I’m going to pack my last things and soak in the bath tub.

I hope to finish my essay on the plane. And by the time I land (September 1st), the D.O.C.I.S. Store will be fully online, and at 8 PM (GMT +2) the Book Club assignment will be online.

I’m going to get to it. xxx


Updated 12:27 (PM) [GMT -4]


On the featured image is Jhene Aiko, one of the prettiest artists I listen to. ๐Ÿ™‚ The image is downloaded from Google Images, but was originally posted on HipHopDX (opens in new tab).



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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 6 [Friday, August 30, 2019]

Good day โ™ฅ

By the time I upload this, it is probably afternoon, so that’s why I’m saying “day” instead of “morning”.

It is my second to last day here on Curaรงao, which will be devoted to working on my essay (plus some things for the Book Club and Bookstore due on September 1st), maybe some swimming and after that the second and my last night of North Sea Jazz Curaรงao.

My Regular Duties

On September 1st, the assignment for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club will be announced.ย  On September 13th, I’ll be giving a speech about “Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy” at GrandVision in Amsterdam (I look forward to ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Furthermore, I want to have my Wikipedia pages finished soon, there are still a lot of pictures I’ve taken this Summer, which I’d like to sort out and make a picture album of, I’m trying to plan more visitations for apartments in Antwerp, et ceteraaa.

The assignment will be one of creative writing about privacy, using 1984 as a frame of reference. You’ll see it (either way), for it will be announced both on The Fangs and here. I hope you will do it. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I’m home, I’ll be practicing my speech and upload the essay. I like speaking for an audience (that does not want to see Fangs fall, I hope). It is quite something to have the opportunity to do this for GrandVision. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

It is my intention to have ny Wikipedia pages finished before September 13th. The pictures thing I hope won’t become a task I’ll postpone forever.

The Hunt for a Home

When it comes to finding an apartment in Antwerp, I see this is quite hopeless. Basically, I don’t care what apartment I move in to, as long as the costs for it aren’t out of the roof and it is less than 20 minutes from Campus Middelheim by bike.

The problem is that I’m a student who is colored, with a Dutch passport. That is three strikes. With some shady sole proprietor business: four strikes. Students are known for nuisance and making a mess, I might as well be seen as someone with a fake passport if one is not familiar with the Dutch colonial history, the reason why I’d rather study in Belgium than in the Netherlands is not easy to understand and my income is a big question mark topped off with a student loan. Still, I don’t want to settle for a car. I just want to be able to be all alone when I want to. ๐Ÿ™

What My Body Needs Even More Right Now

What my body needs even more than the type of penetration that makes one feel like life is great and problems do not exist, is something I do not have simple words for. I’ll use a description. You may, if you like, define how to call it. (Though this may be influenced by interpretation.)

I really crave to be all alone. Time may go faster. To be able to travel to tropical islands all by myself is what I’m working towards. That is a way different experience of the calm aura tropical nature has over itself.

What would be even better, is to be with someone with whom being together feels the same as being alone. Then spending time with someone else is not stressful to me. Where I can be myself without a 10-year explanation for a simple thought of mine. (Seeing all of those US Open games makes me want to play tennis with exactly that type of friend.)

This is all not what I expected it to be. I thought that being here would be relaxing to me and that this festival would be one where everyone dances and mingles with everyone. But I feel – though basically unavoidable – I should watch my actions to not end up in some gossip scheme and it’s the usual clusters. I mean if you know me from my blog, I wish I was easy to be approached in person. But I am not. My environment is not inviting. Not in the Netherlands and also not here. Operation Sunnyhoes is a literal mission impossible.

Especially after being barked at for not wanting to repeat my answer – of which I knew it would not be judged mutually anyway – for a forth time, and staying silent instead of saying “Excuse me, what the fuck do you think you’re doing talking to me like that?”, I knew for sure that I should move out at all cost.


It is my intention to be at the festival from the start to the end, today. My choice of artists to visit is rather intuitive. Pitbull, Kenny G, Earth, Wind & Fire, Michael McDonald (and a bit of Maxwell… Exactly they are at the same time ๐Ÿ™ ) and the Black Eyed Peas I have intentions to see. I’m going to try to do this by myself, because that is much more comfortable dancing, walking and deciding where and when to sit and stand. I’ll take my camera this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

Yesterday I learnt that I cannot dance comfortably to music that is written in a major scale for the largest part. I already most often play music in minor (both on the piano and on Spotify). And I learnt that I’d rather make live music than listen to live music.

I feel like trash because I want to be all alone. I’m going for a quick dive and get to writing. xxx


Updated at 13:27 (01:27 PM)ย 


Today’s featured image is my favorite actor: Chris Pine. (Especially after Star Trek. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I found this image on Google Images, originally posted on (opens in new tab). The look of thoughts and/or responsibilities (anything) keeping one awake looks very sexy on him. And it suits the state of Operation Sunnyhoes.

I thought of using an image if Victishe for featured, but feel I really can’t do that without permission and would not ask for that on this satiric set of blog posts.

Chris Pine


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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 5 [Thursday, August 29, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

Today’s island tour was a lot of fun! I’ve taken many pictures. Here is a sneak preview:

Why you’re getting a preview now is because I need to get ready for the Jazz Festival real quick… I was quite tired after the tour of quite some hours, so I’ve been napping. Napping for too long… I can hear Juan Luis Guerra play from where I’m at. The festival terrain is right at the entrance of the resort we’re staying at. I don’t know any of today’s artists. but I love hearing new sounds. (Plus it might be so that I know popular songs but not the artists.)

I’m going to continue to get ready. See you later โ™ฅ (I hope I’ll really see you!)


Updated 19:57 (07:57 PM)



Juan Luis Guerra North Sea Jazz Curacao

Juan Luis Guerra

Aymee Nuviola North Sea Jazz Curacao

Aymรฉe Nuviola

Aymee Nuviola North Sea Jazz Curaรงao

With dancers ayyy

It was nice. ๐Ÿ™‚ I really love live music. (Hopend dat niemand nu verwacht dat ik verheerlijkend over sfeer, gezelligheid en kippenvel enzo ga praten zoals men dat doet wanneer het over muziek gaat. Ik probeer gewoon positief te zijn en te blijven.) I wish I could speak Spanish (or Italian or better Latin).

Unfortunately I didn’t make it to the end of the festival. During the second performance it was already very hard for me to lift my feet when dancing, but leaving felt disrespectful. My entire body felt a lot heavier than normal. It was quite a relief when my mother and sister wanted to leave during a Latin cover of a song of KC and the Sunshine Band (I so loved when I was little), to get some drinks.

On our way to getting drinks (I needed some moisture to take with me as I carried myself to the apartment), I proposed to go home. I wasn’t the only one tired.

So I dragged myself up the hill, way behind my mother and sister. Havana D’Primera we’ve heard from the apartment.

From all artists of today, I’ll look some songs up on Spotify for sure. ๐Ÿ™‚

But now I’m going to bed. Haha I can barely keep my arms lifted to type and still I’m typing this why am I doing that to myself.

Love youuuu ♥

Goood night ♥


Updated 00:21 (12:21 AM)

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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 4 [Wednesday, August 28, 2019]

Gooooood morning โ™ฅ

There’s no better way to start the day than by searching my favorite picture from my favorite Dutch politician. 😻 Ahahaha I’ve seriously dreamt about this last night, but in the dream I couldn’t find the picture. I’m glad I’ve found it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was shown on the (gossip) news when I was visiting my grandmother quite some months ago, and has not left my mind ever since.

I love this expression of (European?) liberalism so much. Especially because he is a politician (and my Catthierry 😻 ). It is revolutionary. ๐Ÿ™‚ ( 😏 😏 😏 ) [I don’t remember if it was broadcasted before or after the elections…]

There is a little hesitance in doing this. But this will be a good post… ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s not like I’ll get sued for using this image… Right…? ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoww I’m going to get ready for the city tour we’re going to do on jetskis. ๐Ÿ˜€ It will be my first time jetskiing.

Am I the only one who finds it frustrating that I still have no real-life touchable (in contrast to people I could sext, but I don’t like sexting…) hoes…? My body reallyyy needs it. To go cold turkey from having sex at least once a day for a year or so was already not easy. And now I’ve been deprived for about 7 months. Gosh, I don’t like sounding like this. Don’t want to sound the way I currently sound. But to fix that, I need… It’s a paradox.


Updated 11:20 (AM)ย [GMT -4]


The only time I had sort of done it before, was virtually, trying to escape cops in Grand Theft Auto… Jetskiing was so much fun! 😻

I shared one with my sister.

I wish there was water like this in the Netherlands… ๐Ÿ˜€

She jetskid us from Jan Thiel to Willemstad, across such pretty sights! I took some pictures:

Action pictureee

The Jan Thiel beach resort from where we left off

Willemstad ๐Ÿ™‚

I jetskied us back. Once I got the hang of it, I wished the tour was longer… Meoow I really want to go again. ๐Ÿ˜€

(Another thing I wish to do again is sailing! 😻)
We might go jetskiing again on Friday, from Jan Thiel to the Spanish Waters lagoon. But there’s the North Sea Jazz Festival as well, and I was quite tired after the ride…

Currently, we’re at Tony Roma’s. Though I usually prefer haute cuisine-ish restaurants, I really love this place! I’m waiting for a set of tasty appetizers and my rib-eye and ribs.

Ahahaaa there is an huge controversy-paradox inception behind this series of posts, topped off by this post’s header image, I will elaborate on later.

Eet smakelijk sweet Catje of mine. ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥


Updated 20:13 (08:13 PM) [GMT -4]ย 

Groot Davelaar

The Controversy-Paradox

Should one share his/her most intimate thoughts on the public internet? As far as I know, most people find that people should not be that open on the internet, because the information could be used for the wrong purposes and because they find that those feelings should be shared with the people in their environment rather than on the web.

I disagree with this. Yes, good things can always be used for bad purposes, but that should not be a limitation. It is much better to be who you are and do what you want. But I find that the system (social norms, certain laws, etc.) does not allow for that. Posting a nude picture on the internet is allowed, but going grocery shopping nude is not allowed, for example. The internet is more free than real tangible life is, so, for me, here is where my freedom is.

The next layer of this controversy-paradox is openness about anything sex related. From the people I’ve come across, most of them are far from comfortable talking about anything sex related. They are also most often very conservative, finding that sex is only for the one you will spend eternity with. And that a girl out for a one night stand is always a slut.

Again, I disagree. Until I’ve had my first relationship, I too was saving myself for anyone to spend the rest of my life with, and be monogamous, et cetera (though – especially with pornography allowed – I don’t know who anyone is able to stick to “no sex before marriage” (especially because what if it’s bad…)). Now I do not think that man was made to be monogamous. Temptations are always there.

I’m not saying that you should fall for every temptation. But wouldn’t it be nicer to indulge more often than to resist? If no-strings-attached were something you could really be open about. Family dinner conversation type of normal (though some minds really are not that flexible).

Though many people assume this, [seriously, why? ๐Ÿ™ ] I really am not a slut. ๐Ÿ™

I like one night stands, but I still have standards… It has to be someone I find attractive, it must be someone with whom I can have a proper conversation (including that he/she is ambitious because otherwise I’ll feel too ambitious and that is an awful feeling), someone who is most likely to not carry STD’s (not tooo many partners (that’s also way less drama)) and someone who seems like a good lover… I can sense that in the blink of an eye, unless I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, my needs are greater than my scrutiny and I often forget 90% of everything, and then feel worried about my actions the day after. I have a scar on my knee from kissing an artist on stage and then falling off the stage… I don’t even know what artist it was… 😩 Ever since what happend in Amsterdam at the beginning of this year, I’ve been watching how much I drink… But I kind of feel going wild catty on the festival, starting Thursday…

I don’t like the type of girls who speak loudly with high pitched voices, hanging over everyone and touching everyone, making a scene about the most superficial nonsense (and everyone hears what it’s about)… Especially because I’m colored and my life is all over the internet, people mistake me for that person. I’m so very reserved in person… I’m looking for someone who is able to break through that barrier. ๐Ÿ™

The paradox is that basically no one likes dramatic females who share everything online and make scenes in person (and neither do I), but I do carry a lot of mental baggage with me which is the main reason why I crave for no-strings-attached slightly rough sex… ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to sleep now. It’s late and I have to get up early…

Good night ♥

– xxx –

Updated 01:30 (AM)ย 


nude Thierry Baudet

This featured image is the first image I saw when Googling “Thierry Baudet nude”: A Twitter page sharing a screenshot of this meow Instagram picture of his.

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Operation Sunnyhoes Day 3 [Tuesday, August 27, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

The hunt for cuddles is still on. Not really spotted approachable potential cat preys yet…

Currently sitting on my lil throne, restrategizing…


Just kidding, I’m not using strategy on this. Finding a Catje is a matter of luck. I was watching TV and chatting with my fam. And waiting for a proper internet connection so that I can tell you about earlier…

It was a lot of fun going to the casino with my (don’t tell my other aunts :x) favorite aunt, sister and 17 year old cousin. We went to the Renaissance casino, not Princess (oops excuses I informed you incorrectly x_x).

She has rented the yayest cars of the 3 rentals we have here. ๐Ÿ™‚

Such a nice sight coming out of the garage ๐Ÿ™‚

My aunt gave all of us $100 to play with. She likes playing (alone) at the high bet tables.

My cousin, sister and I started off with this hehe. It was funny. ๐Ÿ™‚ Way in the end of the night I made a little profit with this.

We also played blackjack at a lower bet table. After having blackjack twice in a row, everything went downhill for me and I stopped playing ahahahah.

My “losing” facial expression (issa joke ofc I can take a loss)

I lost $70. x_x But it was great fun! ๐Ÿ˜€

On top of the chillness and chill lifestyle of this aunt of mine, other things I find chill about her is the traditional knowledge that doesn’t sound like superstition.

Today, for example, she told us that though many Surinamese Creoles these days cook with onions and garlic, the original Creole kitchen didn’t include those ingredients. Slaves didn’t have access to those ingredients. My great grandparents even also prepared traditional dishes without those ingredients. It was when the multicultural society in Surinam started to blend, the Creole kitchen adopted onions and garlic.

And she has interest in a diverse range of cultures and classes, without judging negatively, so that is the greatest yay for me. Plus she likes art (and real estate). ๐Ÿ™‚

All of her houses have art in it (not only for safeguarding money in a tangible way) ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m exhausted meoooow good night โ™ฅ


Updated 04:25 (AM) [GMT -4]


Heysss ♥

I’ve been working on the draft of Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy, instead of going to the beach again. It’s yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope to finish it today, to then go over it again a few dozen times and turn it into speech format. And work on the drafts of my wiki pages. ๐Ÿ™‚

But before I take a little break to go swimming here at the pool on the compound on which my aunt’s holiday apartment is, I logged in here to share some random things:

  • I just signed up for an info evening about combining work and study at the University of Antwerp on September 4th.
  • I’m in the posession of Florins now, because when I handed in my profit cards at the casino, I asked for Florins instead of US dollars, supporting the local currency a little. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Plus it was yays that my aunt let me drive her car. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Though it was because she has trouble with her knee. ๐Ÿ™ ))
  • For the Operation Sunnyhoes headers, I use an image of a women and a man alternately. It would be very funny to use a picture of Victishe or Catthierry for tomorrow’s header. 😂 Like they’re actually involved in this, while, in reality, I’m here chilling in holiday isolation with mommy and daddy, and I’d randomly take some image off of Google ahahahaha. Plus my posts are just a random description of my thoughts, not really a serious mission the title implies. Do you get my sense of humor? Everything is a hyperbole, unless it is actuallt that big, hahaha… 😂

Meoooow I’ll be swimminggg. And I’m in loveee with the catje on the header image. 😻


Updated 17:48 (05:48 PM) [GMT -4]


Swimming was greattt 😻

Meoow I love tropical nature sooo much. I really want to live in an environment where palm trees grow (in an outmost modern economy), when I live independently. That’s one of the reasons why I want to move to California. ๐Ÿ™‚

Such an exotic audience today. 😻

Meoow I didn’t get to work on my essay and speech anymore. ๐Ÿ™ I thought we were going for a drink and a quick snack, but I just came back from Avilla Beach Hotel, where I was with my family.

The last picture is awa limunchi (excuse my spelling if it is incorrect), water with lime and sugar, which is drunken very often here. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I’m tired meooww. Goood night ♥

– xxx –

Updated 23:37 (11:37 PM) [GMT -4]


This sexy Catje is photographed by Marco Lima from Pexels 😻

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Sunnyays 🌞

Heyyy Fangs here with the Sunnyays 😸

We’re on sunny Curacaooooo 🌞

Just arrived at my aunt’s holiday apartment. It’s my second time on Curacao. ๐Ÿ™‚

Random road picture. I can’t wait to be taking pictures with my Olympus camera here. ๐Ÿ˜€

Meooow look at my bathrooom 😻

Here is the sea ๐Ÿ˜€

And here I’ll be lounging (when I’m not swimming) ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

Meowsss I’ll be socializing and chat you up when I’m alone. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 16:42 (04:42 PM) [GMT -4]


My lil throneee

Currently, I’m laying on this like cat royalty. After eating the tasting like home dinner my aunt’s housekeeper who is one of the 11 people holidaying(-ish for she cooks, cleans and does our laundry and such) here, I got ready for going out later:

I want to get kissy, my meow…

As I was reading De Buitenvrouw (which has waaaaay more sex in it than I expected… My fantasy was so triggered ahahaha I just stopped reading at some point. We were flying in sardine class because there were no comfort class seats left)…

Ah meow we’re leaving so I’ll be back in a few hours, to continue the story that is yays xxx


Updated 20:05 (08:05 PM) [GMT -4]


The conclusion of the story the previous text was that I need new hoes… But I’ll explain that further in a few. ๐Ÿ™‚

Currently I’m chilling at Bij Blauw. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 20:42 (08:42 PM) [GMT -4]


As I was reading De Buitenvrouw, and while I recognized the perception many Dutch people have described to me (often men) in respect to how they respond to Creole people (women) in the story – and (a thought I don’t really share) how, as a Creole mix born in the Netherlands both Dutch and Surinsmese culture still feel a bit foreign to me, I realized that only the ensurance that I’ll have good sex on a daily basis can make me decompress.

I love Zwagerman’s recognizable style of writing! It’s funny, sexy and detailed the way most modern Dutch literature is. At some point I had to stop reading because I was getting turned on haha. (I love the feeling, but not when I can’t vent it meow I need new hoes…)

In between all the (more and more mission impossible I’ll become a high school maths teacher ๐Ÿ™ ) things I’m trying to accomplish, and the way I over-value performance like I’ll get a grade for everything I do (it’s never really just for fun), I crave someone to grab.

Last Thursday (it is Saturday today), I was in Amsterdam, for a psychotherapy session. We are discussing my past to present lifeline and were at the chapter of my ex. The reason why I found it so hard to break up with him is because I had no better sex alternatives. We had sex at least once a day when we were spending time together, I always subtly demanded. It was the way I could forget everything that was on my mind. We were always quite rough, which made those moments true highlights in my life (I still think about it a lot).

I went cold turkey on my sex addiction. (Well cold turkey in the sense of not having a partner.) Ever since that, I feel like such an insecure plain jane, while that is not even me. I genuinely think that if I’d have a few people I could have good sex with, I’d enjoy life so much more.

So I need new hoes… When I was younger, I always had quite some people I always had slightly naughty conversations with, but then I was still a virgin (because I was waiting for that special someone ๐Ÿ™ ), so they never became my hoes…

I need new hoes… You’re not going to do anything with The D.O.C.I.S. Store, are you? You could also become my hoe, which has similar corporate influence benefits. It might even be better than being a Book Club member.

Please be my hoe. ๐Ÿ™ ♥ I’ll treat you very good. Though we might be more physical than talkative, I’ll brighten up your life for sure.

Ah a problem with hoeing is that I made this promise to myself that I won’t take any sex preys of mine to my parents’ house anymore. The walls are too thin and the idea is making me feel sick. Need my own house. ๐Ÿ™‚

Another problem is that I suck at sensing whether someone is into me or not. Especially with women I suck at sensing that. (I think? I don’t like asking because I don’t like hearing that I’m wrong?) I often feel the need to just kiss someone, but what if they’re like “Eww get off of me.” Then I’d be like a rapist.

By the way – I heard of this term a few days ago – I think I’m “sapiosexual” (sexually attracted based on someone’s intelligence). (I think everyone is sapiosexual…) No further explanation needed (but you can ask me if you want meow I’m just tired now).

I’m starting my hoe recruitment tomorrow. Requirements:
> Being able to have passionate sex with someone who you are not dating.
> Enjoys kissing (including hickeys).
> Has a goal in life.
> We do not insult each other. We explain our underlying emotions if something is up.
> For men: size does matter…
> For women: basically don’t make a big deal out of nothing (including yelling over nothing)…

Let’s make each other happy. 😻
You won’t be my secret hoe. I will show you to the world. ♥

My recruitment goes by both me randomly picking people on sight and being sent a personal message by anyone who would like to be my lifetime hoe. I will love you so you will be with me if you don’t leave me.

Looking forward to North Sea Jazz festival even more now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Furthermore, I’m having a great time here. ๐Ÿ™‚ It would be even better with some hoes. No relationships and meet-the-parents and marriage and babies and stuff blegh.

Good night ♥


Updated 00:07 (12:07 AM) [GMT -4]


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The D.O.C.I.S. Store is open for Pre-Orders! :D

My loveeeee โ™ฅ

I’m back yays ๐Ÿ˜€

My days of being absent here are over now, because… The D.O.C.I.S. Store (opens in new tab) is now open for pre-orders! ๐Ÿ˜€

The reason why it is open for pre-orders – and not real orders yet – is that the online configuration of the store and the Book Club are done, but I need to be home to process the orders, and I’m going on a little holiday today. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meooow I’ve been working quite hard in the last few weeks… Developing my lil online empire, searching for an apartment, watching my grandmother’s house as it is being renovated, going to the gym with a friend of mine, psychotherapy sessions (with emphasis on high intelligence) in Amsterdam every week and writing some blog posts in between.

But now I’ll be chilling for a while. And hopefully see orders and subscriptions pouring in… 😻 I hope all of this work was not for nothing…

And I’ll be taking you with me, on my journey to sunny Curacao. ๐Ÿ˜€

Random pictures

Haha I was packing today and decided to check out and see how the t-shirt dress I bought today would look together with a mix of two colors of lipstick… You have not seen my face since Egmond? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

I think it’s yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ I wish I weren’t single. ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway meoowww I will be sharing a lot more things with you. (A lot more things except details of who is signing up et cetera of course because that is a type of privacy even an online diary has to respect. I love keeping professional secrets. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

de buitenvrouw zwagerman

Like that this is what I’ll be reading before I re-read 1984

But after my lil powernap… We’re going to start driving at like 7 AM and now it’s past 04:30 AM… I was making sure that my store is finished (though I still want to add a lot more things to the assortment… At least it functions properly, the front page has had a make over, all legal documents are up to date, et cetera…) I really can’t wait until the online community environment I’ve created is in use!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Your voice is important ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah the idea that we could be voting and sharing thoughts with newly made international friends, and doing projects together and stuff… I reallyyy hope you will sign up!

Meowww I’ll be napping… xxxxxxxx


Updated 04:38 (AM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

How was your night?


Mine was veryyy short, but my sleep itself was comfortable.

I’m already in airplane mode though, hehe:

Zzzzzz ahahaha

That shopping bag in the back of the picture is what our family friends in Amsterdam will be given along with two cars to keep in front of the house to save parking costs.

Had I already shared that I have changed the policy for the Book Club in such a way that now both Online members and Full members can be authors for The Fangs? ๐Ÿ˜€

Hmmm by the way, the last few times I was on a long trip from home, I shared everything here and all went well. I don’t want to jinx it but I just want to share this… ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoow I’m going to put this phone away. I have a flight of near 10 hours ahead of me…

Meanwhile I’m at the check-in.

Hehe I downloaded Doom for the Nintendo Switch last night. ๐Ÿ˜€ #Graeynissis

Speaking of Graeynissis… You should really read the post written by Graeynissis, on The Fangs. (Opens in new tab.)

Ah and this flight will be one with one of the last 737’s, I heard… (Tense…)

See you later. ♥


Updated 09:26 (AM) [GMT +2]



I’m still in the Netherlands, because we missed our flight. I misread our ticket and assumed 10:55 – our flight time – was the time of our gate closing. In hindsight, it was very clearly written on my boarding pass I hadn’t read ๐Ÿ™ :

Oops x_x

Our before-flight list of tasks was: buying shag (father), buying books/magazines (mother) and eating something (sister and I)/having coffee (mother).

I thought they call names through the intercom when passengers are late, but by the time we arrived at the gate, they were already taking our luggage out of the plane. My father could have gotten on it, still, because he wasn’t eating or having coffee at an airport restaurant…

Yes, the reason why we were late x_x

“Relax, they’re not leaving without us (and I assumed 10:55),” was what I said right before he advanced ahead and my sister and I were still eating.

My mother, sister and I arrived at the gate in the middle of a debate about why we should still go on board. We’ve been in situations like this often enough to know how everyone responds. My father fights his anger as he debates about why things should go his way, my mother is in light panic and defends my father, my sister and I respond quite neutrally.

After the stewardess who still got on board received a sarcastic “Enjoy your flight. Letting us get on that plane is quicker than taking our luggage out,” I tried to save the flight personnel from a further escalation, asking what the usual procedure is when one misses a flight. There was another flight leaving in about two hours later, and we had to go to a certain desk to rebook our flight.

At that desk, we were too late to get tickets for the other flight, so now we’re flying tomorrow…

This will now forever be a thing. “Quadruple check your boarding time.”

Meowww I’m going to have some dinner and then share what else is and has been on my mind…


Updated 20:20 (08:20 PM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

A Feeling that is Hard to Describe

When we were told that we were not allowed to get on the plane anymore, and everything thus went a lot different than I had expected it to go, my brain entered this “slow motion observer mode” state. Observing the situation and seeing what the best quick solution is.

And meanwhile, I also thought of how small the chance of ending up in that situation was, because about 6 weeks ago, I wasn’t even planning to accompany my family to Curacao. It were my intentions to stay home while they were there, because I considered that something that suits the word “holiday” better. But when my mother told me of how my sister does not like to travel by plane alone – for she has school and my parents want to stay for a week longer – I somehow let myself be talked into this holiday. I’ve found peace in it, looking forward to enjoy tropical nature, nice weather (for more comfortable clothing (because dresses are the ultimate yays to me)), live music and a different crowd.

But when it comes to the tension in this family, I think I have reached my max. Ever since all that happened in 2017, our situation has already been more tense than usual.

I already barely have something to talk about with them, aside from the tension, our past and some regular anecdotes. And now with this “we missed our flight for no reason and that cost my father โ‚ฌ700” situation on top of that, plus the rest of the family (from Suriname and the Netherlands) waiting in Curacao (we will be staying in my aunt’s holiday apartment there, with a group of 11 people)… Ugh, meow… x_x.

Guess what our topic of conversation will be when we arrive. (Plus my suitcase is already there and my aunt’s suitcase will fly along with us tomorrow…)

In “slow motion observer mode”, I thought: “God, I want to be alone. And I want to relax. My brain still needs to decompress from working on my business with very little sleep or rest. I really wish that I had my apartment in Antwerp (anywhere abroad, honestly) already. Though I see no way to accomplish that anytime soon… We can’t not go to Curacao, because it is impossible to decompress if we suddenly don’t go at all anymore.” I’m really glad that we can still go. Now I appreciate the holiday even more than before.

It is my intention to decompress, there. Though, honestly, I don’t know how to do that. Gaming, exercising, writing, making music and even talking are very pressuring activities to me, because I always feel the need to make it “the best thing I have ever done”.

Swimming is very relaxing to me, especially from the way it feels and how much I love the sound of water, so much that I find it hard to get out of the pool or sea when my body is starting to tremble from fatigue.

The D.O.C.I.S. Store

And though decompression is my aim, I still want to finish my “Evolving individualism in the 9 – 5 economy” essay, write my wikipedia pages (for D.O.C.I.S. International, “Lil Fangs” and The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club… Plus actually also Fangyism and Project Nosce Te Ipsum, but I don’t see those topics get accepted into the encyclopedia…) and practice some mathematics… Plus maybe still work on The D.O.C.I.S. Store some more. But putting effort in that last thing might be wasted energy…

I should be marketing my store and my book club. But I can’t, for I need my last money for stock management in case people decide to order books and/or sign up for the book store.

My prices are calculated in such a way that every purchase is also an investment in a various range of process components (packaging material, personalized gifts, books in stock, D.O.C.I.S. editions (hardcovers with an introduction written by me), web development (mobile apps, desktop apps, marketing, the development of my programming language called Scorpio…) et cetera… ๐Ÿ˜€ )

But to market The D.O.C.I.S. Store with its odd pricing sounds like something I shouldn’t be doing. Also, I’m aiming for a specific kind of audience, so I don’t want to attract too much attention with something that is not fully established yet (as in I’m doing everything by myself and the Book Club does not have any members yet (for I am “Graeynissis”). I’m looking for people who don’t need much further explanation, so that I can form a sample group with them and use material of D.O.C.I.S. International in (interactive) practice as marketing material.

So that when they see what we are doing, they want to join in, too, and understand it. But I have nothing to prognosticate anything D.O.C.I.S. International’s future related with. I need a miracle…

Meoow I wish I had an investor. ๐Ÿ™

The next update I’ll probably share when I’m in Curacao, hoping to have some yays for us. (Though mild yays because I feel the strong need to be alone for a while, or be with a Graeyniss… Also because I feel sooo kissy… Why is Victishe so hard to get? ๐Ÿ™ Any cat Graeyniss is hard to get. ๐Ÿ™ )

See you in less than 24 hours! Hopefully with the yaysss. (Hopefully spotting you anywhere. I’d like to hang out with someone who is my mental age (666).) ♥

By means of not pressurizing myself anymore, I’ll be laying in bed while staring at the ceiling, instead of working on the assortment (adding my own books to it… Haha hadn’t even done that x_x).


Updated 23:55 (11:55 PM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

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5 Reasons to Write for The Fangs

The Fangs is looking for authors! I hope you are interested. ๐Ÿ™‚ Here are some reasons why you should write for The Fangs:

Reason 1: International audience: We all think big

The Fangs is created for the international audience of people who all have one thing in common: we think big. Regardless if our backgrounds are similar or not, in our thoughts, we look far and beyond. The Fangs is the safe haven for exactly those unique trains of thought. This is THE place to share them!

People from various ages, various countries and various genders (will) come here, with various education backgrounds and various interests. You will definitely find a new audience here, and your current audience will enjoy it here as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reason 2: We can Create a Snowball Effect

The Fangs is part of D.O.C.I.S. International. Currently, the organization attracts a small international audience, with just one author. (Per month about 150 cookies-accepting frequent visitors (with 1000 views) from 12 countries on average.) That might not sound spectacular, but if all frequent visitors would become authors for The Fangs, and they would share their work with their individual audience, and everyone would do that, we’d create a snowball effect and become legendary online authors (or more ๐Ÿ˜€ ) within a year’s time!

It can be that simple ๐Ÿ˜€

Without paying a single penny on marketing, and you’re posting ad-free. ๐Ÿ˜€

Reason 3: Limitlessness & Versatility

On The Fangs – as long as you don’t discriminate or disrespect people (though you may, of course, be informal) – there are no limitations to what you may post, and there are no limitations to how much you may post. (And you can also post under a secret alias, if you like. ๐Ÿ˜€ )

The way it currently looks is not the way it will always stay like. By voting and sending me messages with suggestions, this blog can be further edited in a way that suits your preferences. On the private social network on this site, there already is a poll about categories, waiting for you:

Your voice is important ๐Ÿ™‚ [And look at that user menu! ๐Ÿ˜€ ]

You don’t have to worry about webhosting, SEO, marketing, coding, branding, et cetera. Just do what you love. (If that is webhosting, SEO, marketing or writing code: you could join the FangTech team ๐Ÿ™‚ .) Fangs takes care of the rest. ๐Ÿ™‚ With your subscription fee, you are making the further development of this concept possible. โ™ฅ

Reason 4: Fun Extras ๐Ÿ˜€

Writing for The Fangs comes with very fun extras. ๐Ÿ˜€ Such as international meetings with your fellow users of this website, the opportunity to obtain a higher function in D.O.C.I.S. International, fun (writing) assignments, a private social network with a forum, and more. ๐Ÿ˜€

This is all possible if you become a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club (and it is not a dusty boring book club where your unique interpretation is fully ignored ๐Ÿ˜€ ) !!!

Reason 5: You will be one of the first D.O.C.I.S. International Pioneers

D.O.C.I.S. International (opens in new tab) is still in its baby shoes. But it has revolutionary great intentions. With your name here as one of the first official members of D.O.C.I.S. International (because that is what authors for The Fangs (as well as Book Club members)) are, you will be (literally) writing history!!!!!!! โ™ฅ

This post was originally posted on The Fangs, written by me. (Opens in new tab.)

Popular Posts, Strategy

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club

Do you also have a lot of unshared thoughts? Are you in the mood for something new? Are you creative? Do you also wonder what the thought patterns of people with views similar or opposite to yours look like? Then the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club might be something for you. I hope that you have been thinking of becoming a member.

This article explains what you can expect as a member of the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club and what The D.O.C.i.S. Book Club Alliance stands for. It is written with the utmost transparency, hoping that that will spark your excitement about becoming a member. Though it may also have the opposite effect… Either way, you will be well-informed after reading this. ๐Ÿ™‚


The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club really is not a regular book club. Mainly because the books themselves are not our focus. They only serve as a medium. We will be doing something revolutionary.

You know the way books are traditionally discussed. “What does this passage resemble?” Or “What did the author mean by this?”And then endless discussions follow, focused on “what the experts say”, citations are thrown back and forth for proof, et cetera, et cetera… We are not that book club.

A debate about what the one right interpretation of book or text is, will not get us far. There is never just one universally correct interpretation, because everyone perceives from his or her own unique perspective. The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club will not persuade you into a view you cannot identify yourself with.

“Did reading this book lead to any insights in your own life?” “How do you interpret this passage?” “Why?” That will be our focus. A very pure form of self-reflection. Not only to create a safe haven where you can sit back and think of yourself in peace, occasionally disregarding all that society demands from you.

An interpretation that may seem obvious to one or even to a large group of people, can be surprising to someone else. The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club embraces thinking differently. We will examine various perspectives. It is fun and important to learn how other perspectives are built up. Those insights we can use to think of alternative ways to improve and govern a society. ๐Ÿ™‚ You will be 100% encouraged to unveil your intelligence in a context where your creativity has no boundaries.

You can expect an environment in which you can be yourself. What you share will be pondered with respect and serious interest. Your horizon will be broadened. The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club is a genuine asset to your life.

The Alliance

I hope I have been obvious enough about this: the Book Club is part of my Stratagem. To provoke the discussions others are trying to avoid. Because yes, interpretation is anything but universal. The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club is friendly terrain for alternative views. It will be our strength.

The way we will discuss our quarterly themes is very practical. When we compare our reflections of self, we will list our similarities and differences. To have our own definition of what ceteris paribus is. We can use that to develop a completely new system. ๐Ÿ™‚

And it does not stop there. As a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club, you can make your voice count in many different ways. From writing articles for The Fangs to (with a compensation) having a say in the business operations of D.O.C.I.S. International. And every member may co-decide by voting. What direction would you like us to head towards?

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club Alliance Agreement is not as binding as it sounds. It means that you may publish anything you want, here, if it is your composition. That you may start a debate against someone if you find that what he or she has published is wrong. That you have voting rights and the right to participate in D.O.C.I.S. elections (but that, if you are participating, you may not vote for yourself (for candidates are never rivals)). That you may leave the Book Club whenever you want, though we rather have you stay with us. And most of all that we treat our fellow Book Club members with respect.

You are very welcome to become part of D.O.C.I.S. International I hope you will sign up.

This post was originally published on, written by me. (Opens in new tab.)

Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

I really recommend you to read this post!!!

My Graeynisssssssss โ™ฅ

As a regular Dutch person would say, “I don’t want to fall with the door in house” (AHAHAHAHAHA) but I’m going to dive right into it! Looooook at this:

It’s not finished yet, but you can see the page already because I don’t like maintenance mode pages

The D.O.C.I.S. Store is getting a lot closer to being finished. ๐Ÿ˜€

Please become a Full member! If not possible, there is a low-budget option available as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m still writing the explanation text (and still have a few more books to add to the assortment)

What it looks like in practice? Amazing! ๐Ÿ˜€

The world will be ours!!!!

The image is a mashup of laptop screenshots ehehe

I really hope you will sign up!!! โ™ฅ

Oh and meoww D.O.C.I.S. International has a new logo:

Under constructionnn

I don’t know if you click on the links I share in my blog posts, so that’s why I’m showing screenshots… And I just took away the slider on the home page, because it had waaaaaaaay too many slides anyway (taking them all away would take a decade because that goes per post) and it was making my blog slow… Now there’s “an advertisement”.

Meooow I’ve been spending sooo much time behind my screen… I’m going to call it a day. Tomorrow there’s another road trip to Antwerp planned to visit another apartment, in case the apartment I’m opting for now refuses me… I’ll be here again with more yays tomorrow!

One of the things I did today was choosing the logo… Do you have the same order of preference?

Goood nighttt โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ


Updated 22:33 (10:33 PM) [GMT +2]

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First Light [Friday, August 9, 2019]

Heyy โ™ฅ

My long-term vision is getting clearer. ๐Ÿ™‚ I can now explain it better to you as well:

I’ll be doing books of the month ๐Ÿ™‚

Always with a topic of discussion linked to the book

Please sign up for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club before September 15th ๐Ÿ™‚

To enjoy the benefits of being a member of D.O.C.I.S. International from the very start ๐Ÿ™‚

Why buy this book in the D.O.C.I.S. Store? Because your purchase comes with extras no other online bookstore gives you. And it will be hand-packaged by me, with a lot of love โ™ฅ

When the D.O.C.I.S. Store is finished, the Fangs Store will disappear.

This post is called First Light, because with an impression of the D.O.C.I.S. Store home page being finished and doing my first potential apartment visitation in Antwerp, an impression of what my life will look like from the end of October is in sight.

Today I haven’t added that many books to the store yet. I’m almost home now after visiting my first potential apartment in Antwerp. I can see myself live there. It’s quite spacious, it has a balcony that looks out over a quite green area and it has room for a home office. ๐Ÿ™‚ There are a lot of competitors for the apartment though so I’ll sign up as a candidate before Monday and hope they’ll pick me… (My head is spinning when it comes to figuring out how to do my proprietorship taxes if I live in Belgium as a Dutch student… Plus figuring out where I can buy personalized high quality packaging materials for the lowest price et cetera… It’s on my to-do list of before August 23. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

After the visit we – my mother and I – ate at a restaurant a street away from the apartment.

Especially the portabella was soo amazinggg. It all tastes even better than it looks meowww. The tournedos was great, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

I only ate a main dish though because my mother is still dieting, only eating a starter, and I didn’t want to eat while she’s not eating. But meow I’m satisfied. ๐Ÿ™‚

By means of boosting tomorrow’s productivity, I won’t be working on the D.O.C.I.S. Store until midnight again today. My sleep schedule is messed up from doing that a few days in a row now haha. Plus I’m quite tired from driving to Antwerp also… On top of the continuous web store maintenance I was doing haha.

Meooowwwwwww I really can’t wait to hopefully have you as a member of my book club and exchange thoughts with you and hopefully have you by my side as member of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I’m working really hard for it. ๐Ÿ™‚ To further boost that process, my next diary post will be posted on Sunday evening instead of tomorrow and I’ll go to bed early tonight.

Ohhh and I finally fixed the color issue with this website’s logo yesterday! ๐Ÿ˜€ I used the logo right away to personalize my Spotify page. I’ll reupload my Revenge of the Nerds to the online music stores before I create my Wikipedia page. And probably upload some samples and a piano improvisation as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Some Spotify yays ๐Ÿ™‚ [I was listening to music like this in the car because that iPhone I was using has an aux jack and I need to buy a new usb-c to aux adapter for my HTC…]

Please check out the playlist I’ve been having on repeat. ๐Ÿ˜€

“Betawoman” was a name under which I wrote poetry for a very short while, when I had Elia PR… It stands for the female equivalent reverse of “alpha male” haha… That was also when I created my Spotify account… ๐Ÿ˜€

Especially these two songs I added to it yesterday:

Kendrick (K-Cuddle) his background singing โ™ฅ

And I’m addicted to thisss

I’ll see you on Sunday โ™ฅ


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Great Prospects [Thursday, August 8, 2019]

Yesterday, I didn’t post here. Writing a blog post takes quite some time. Time I used to make efficient D.O.C.I.S. progress (and make soup and do other duties).

What is visible in The D.O.C.I.S. store now is what I did two nights ago. I spent almost the same amount of time preparing the store back-end and front-end for those 4 books, as I did for 36 books today. The first 4 books, I sought the cover image, updated my assortment details on Excel (including formulating a D.O.C.I.S. Code for each book) and filled out the product page book by book. Now I have Excel and the collection of cover images ready to be put on the product pages. This will speed up my process a lot. Here you can see what will be available before August 23rd:

This is just the beginning ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m already loving this store and it’s not even finished yet! โ™ฅ

Around 11 AM I’ll get started with making the other product pages (now on a more comfortable pace yays). I might even still publish a productย  or two right now, because it’s quite addictive somehow and I want to see everything done so very much. If I continue on this pace, I’ll be done before August 23rd for sure. ๐Ÿ˜€ My brand will be done by the time I give my speech…

Yess my proposal to give a speech is practically approved yaaayyyy ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ I wish my essay for it were finished already, because then the person who is in charge of the event knows what to expect better haha… But [spoiler alertยฟ] it will be great philosophical and inspirational business-ish fun with a Kahoot-like quiz at the end to seal yays. (Though I’ve been looking for quiz presentation software where, basically, every answer given gives the user a score and the total score gives the user a profile, and that profile will be used for group assignments. So you give answers on multiple choice questions about opinion, where, for example, a score 0 – 25 means that you dislike change and prefer things to stay the same and 75 – 100 means that you embrace change. I can’t find presentation software where results are added up question by question. Only that stats show after every single answer. If this type of software doesn’t exist (yet), I could also either count for the attendants using a blackboard, or let the audience count by themselves. That depends on how many people attend…) It’s basically my debut as a public speaker, but I won’t call it that because then people will look at me like I’m a rookie, which I’m not :x. Plus I’m getting paid for it yayy more space to breathe. These web domains are some investment. Might as well start earning it back…

Furthermore, today I’ll visit doctor Catje in Amsterdam. And – was good at this but since 2017 I quite suck at being direct – I’m trying to rid myself of this Rotterdam-based psychiatric surveillance I’m under (of which the dr. Catje second opinion is part of my strategy), but I keep saying “yes” to talks I don’t want to have. I don’t know why I’ve been sounding so appreciative about it – probably just happy to be out of the crisis center. Plus then there is empathy and I don’t want my diary to be a thorn in someone’s eye. But seriously though I don’t gain anything from their surveillance. I don’t know why I’m still so lenient towards it. Especially now that I’m making this progress meow damn. Two days ago, I received an invitation letter for an intake for a different department of the Rotterdam-based psychiatric organization that is still keeping tabs on me (which all started with that request from my parents over two years ago). I called it off today. Because my Thursdays are saved for dr. Catje. But that won’t make them stop seeking contact with me… If I want to talk to them, I’d reach out to them… I really need to proclaim a louder “no” against any intake chat. I’ve seriously had over 20 psychiatric intake-like conversations. Every time people ask an hour of my time to talk to me, and then when I’m there I get the question: “Why are you here? What are your life problems?” That’s my greatest problem. Anyway changing the topic…

At first, when I started to set up The D.O.C.I.S. Store, I was thinking “Will people actually be interested in buying books here…? ๐Ÿ™ ” But yes meowww I need to add a little explanatory text on why the prices are relatively high and why there is only a very specific selection of books sold. You get a special gift with every purchase meow (D.O.C.I.S. notebooks, scarves, ties, socks, calculators, wine, etc…) and it will be wrapped in a special box and there will be a D.O.C.I.S. ribbon around your package (ahahaha :x), the paper order summary that comes with your purchase will be personalized, and so on…. Can you imagine being part of the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club? 😻 😻 😻 (That’s an even better deal meowww…) The D.O.C.I.S. Store is only for people who value authentic quality over price. Plus it will be hand-packaged and hand-shipped, which I can’t do in a lower price range. (It’s my student side-job, so I can’t handle 100 orders a day and thus it’s better if my pricing is a little strategically unattractive… Plus my store is for nerds and the world doesn’t have enough nerds. Haha nerd. (Says the nerd.)) You will love this as much as I do, if you’re not also loving it already. ๐Ÿ˜€

Meow I’ll be adding like 2 more books and then I’m going to sleep. I might update my blog again later. Though I’ve been spending quite some time behind my screen lately and I want to cut down on that again… But then again, there is plenty enough time to be screenless (and dancing like a wild Catje) when I’m in Curaรงao. ๐Ÿ˜€

By the way meow this is extreme. I’ve never had 5 mosquitoes in my room at the same time? Lil sting party over here. ๐Ÿ™

Ciaooo xxx

Updated 01:57 (AM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel


Featured image by Adrianna Calvo from Pexels

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More Yays [Tuesday, August 6, 2019]

Hiii โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ

I have such interesting fun to share with you today! And also one thing that is a lot less fun. I’ll start with the non-fun. Let’s get that over with:

It was my first time seeing the sluice tunnel in action

To many this might sound crazy, but now I have proof that the tunnel(s) in the dyke around my neighborhood will function as sluices to protect Rotterdam when the IJssel floods. (I explained this in practice on August 2 and have plenty of posts in which I express my worry about this.) When I was young, in primary school, I have learnt to accept this fate that comes with living in a sort of human sacrifice neighborhood. But I still don’t want to die unnoticed, in case it happens: a new watersnoodramp. There are water management strategies in the case of flood, as you can see on the above image (…[I expected a more massive type of door instead of a garage door…]), but there are no people management/evacuation strategies. (I know saving everyone is impossible, but to at least prevent the loss of Dutch (and Surinamese) intellectual heritage that lives forth in people, by saving some people…) That’s why I’m sharing this (and the powerless paranoia it causes) with my international audience of blog readers.

That was the non-fun. I wanted to show you this door on the day I went to Egmond, because that was the first day they were doing tunnel maintenance, but then it was still open. When I was on my way to have dinner with a friend in Rotterdam yesterday evening, though I already took my bike in case of a detour, I was hoping the tunnel would still be open, because that would save me a detour of over 10 minutes. But if it weren’t closed, I wouldn’t have had the chance to share this with you. ๐Ÿ™‚

Which brings me to the yays: yesterday was so much fun! I’ve been lucky to have met such a kind soul. I’m so happy to have met someone who is also an intelligent and ambitious, creative and independent thinker. I feel like we’re a genuine inspiration to each other. And she has proposed such great growth opportunities! Of the exact details I don’t want to reveal too much, especially because my little web-empire is not finished yet and want it to be an asset to our names when it is brought forward officially, but [confirmed rumor] I might get the chance to speak for a professional audience [my idea to speak of “Evolving individualism in the 9 – 5 economy” would then be a (then published) essay based on which I’ll speech has to be approved higher up first] and D.O.C.I.S. International might function as official research publisher of work written by her. Many yays for D.O.C.I.S. if it can finally start to function as an international medium for other people as well instead of just me! ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’ve had such fun my meowww. Laughing and sharing ideas as well. Unfortunately I didn’t take any pictures and don’t have any other physical reminders of this memorable fun moment, but I know this will be stored as a happy memory and I have the memory written down in my paper diary as well. (Spontaneous idea I just got: if we’d do a research book campaign internationally, we should do a photo shoot for it. ๐Ÿ˜€ ) Haha I asked her if she still wants to be associated with me after Facebook and Instagram marked my content as “too controversial to publicly show”, and she didn’t even say “no” ahahahaha yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ I thought she didn’t want to be friends with me, when I didn’t hear from her after I sent her a message. But I understand replying later meow I do that very often myself. Now she has moved to Rotterdam for her 4th year academic internship, which is awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve mentioned when I first met her, at the HBR Executive Event in Amsterdam in April.

I was quite nervous about making a new friend, because I have been living in isolation for 3 years hahaha… I was afraid that nerves from not knowing how to have friendship-like conversation anymore would make me act weird – I just worry about leaving a good impression a lot – or that it might become awkward, or that I’d get lost in explaining why I’m not a schizophrenic (ahahahahahahahaha I’m happy I succeeded in completely avoiding the topic haha yay milestone), or that I would have to adapt and end up talking about things that don’t interest me, but none of this happened! Absolutely none meow I’m so happy I could just be myself without any worries about the way I behave. ๐Ÿ˜€ What made me even happier is that she has so many creative ideas and also takes action for it. I appreciate this so much that I seriously almost wanted to cry out of happiness when I was on my way home. Not often do I experience situations in which I can be myself and someone understands me when I explain myself, and then be able to see that person more than just once. And then also recognize thoughts and traits of myself in her. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ (In most situations I keep re-explaining myself in different words and at some point just give up and not talk about myself at all anymore, but with her I didn’t have to do any of that.)

Hopefully this blog post isn’t creepy or attached-sounding to her… Though to long-term growth and friendship yays. ๐Ÿ˜€

In other news… I’ve improved my recipe for pancakes by using both cow milk and coconut milk, along with vanilla sugar, vanilla essence, cinnamon, raisins and skinned apples.

coconut milk pancakes

More yaysss

And another yay is that I’ll be in Berchem on Friday to check out a potential apartment.

For the rest of today – for my D.O.C.I.S. renovation progress is a day-to-day thing – I’ll be:

  • Fixing The D.O.C.I.S. Store logo
  • Updating The Store’s product catalog and payment gateways (iDeal payment support will be there from around September though…)
  • (Start with) personalizing Terms & Conditions, the Return Policy and the Privacy Policy

And then later up will be the book club page and the home page. When the store is finished, I’ll update the links on the D.O.C.I.S. International website and the content of the website itself (and try to make it look a little less plain HTML-ish). After that I’ll be working on Wikipedia pages for my endeavor and I. ๐Ÿ˜€ (And after that will be Curaรงao!)

May we all have another day of yays. โ™ฅ


Photo by Irina Iriser from Pexels

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D.O.C.I.S.’s Transition Phases [Saturday, August 3, 2019]

My fellow Fangyists, โ™ฅ

Today’s Diary Theme

Today’s diary post is focused on further enlightning you about the Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem. Many texts of mine have been devoted to this, but they all won’t be as open-hearted and clear as this one.

At the end of today, we all know:

  • All Stratagem related terms that are Fangyist (including the meaning of the word Cishes in Cuddle [now that it’s pride week and I recently learnt that there is another meaning for the word, plus I have some things else about that to share])
  • What phases the Stratagem has
  • The current state of the Stratagem (and what the “starting point” is)
  • When the first phase will be finished

Fangyist Terms

Cuddle – In Fangyism, “Cuddle” has two additional meanings (of course it’s also a synonym of “hug”)

  1. A Fangyist dialect developed to discuss secret information publicly (like Surinamese people speaking Sranang Tongo when Dutch people are around).
  2. A nickname for the way Lil Fangs calls her – regardless of race, age, sex, level of intelligence et cetera – supporters she adores.

(The) D.O.C.I.S. – The development strategy of the global reform I intend to accomplish (currently as a sole proprietor), shaped according to the Fangyist philosophy.

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club – An international book club (currently in development), focused on using themes from books to discuss real-life practical change.

The D.O.C.I.S. Store – A Lil Fangs owned store that mainly sells books. The purpose of this store is to enlighten D.O.C.I.S. International its audience and build up finance for future operations.

The Fangs – in Fangyism, this has two meanings:

  1. The online magazine used to spread messages of members of D.O.C.I.S. International. (
  2. A nickname of Lil Fangs that soothes her heart.

Fangyism – A Fangs-developed ideology as well as a form of Fangs-developed science, oriented on the belief that the current life of suffering will transition into eternal happiness in the same life, sparked by the inevitable Fangyist reform of society, changing everything we know into something better according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Flooding the Netherlands – The reminder of the inevitable risk of the time we live in, for the Netherlands lie below sea level and pole ice keeps melting, which D.O.C.I.S. International will use as a business opportunity to create infinite jobs according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Graeynissis – The 10% most intelligent people in the world (active in a broad range of fields) The Fangs wishes to develop and guide the Fangyist revolution with. (This definition is better but doesn’t replace Fangs’s Dictionary “Graeyniss”. The word is inspired by grey suits.)

Lil Fangs – A satirical name under which Dominique Daniรซlle Elia will spark an international revolution.

Propaganda – Mass communication intended to induce action. A medium which, according to the Fangyist philosophy, may only be used to do something that is good for the world v

(Transition) Phases – The stages D.O.C.I.S. International will go through on the way of accomplishing the

Schizophrenia – [This definition questions/opposes the DSM.] A non-realistic (for the experience reality is always subjective) term The Fangs has been stigmatized with. Though this is heartbreaking (to her), strategically, it has allowed for a way to destroy the current system from the inside out, questioning the authority of the psychiatric industry in the Netherlands, followed by questioning the authority of the government in general. With the labeled stigma and the consequences thereof, they have obstructed the endeavors of The Fangs.

Meoww I’m going to eat some and then later continue.

Updated 13:50 (01:50 PM) [GMT +2]

Egmond-Binnen, Netherlandsย 


I ate lunch and then played Monopoly. This game is good for my heart lol. I’m a natural monopolist meow I love this type of decision making.

Start yays

Trade yays

Those damn hotels x_x. I finished second place out of 4. My sister’s boyfriend won haha.

Avec my sister and her two of her friends. I didn’t know that this picture was taken haha. After looking at my statistics I let go of my phone :x.

Just like here haha. But bun-nyays :]


Cishe, pronounced as kiss-yuh, of which the plural is Cishes, means kiss in Cuddle. When I recently saw an episode of South Park I found out that cis, plural cishes, means “someone who is not transgender”, in regular English. Later checking out other tweets with the #Cishes hashtag I often used on Twitter, I saw that the word is used in that context quite regularly.

When I say Cishe or Cishes, I always mean “kiss” or “kisses” and never “someone who is not transgender”. Though my voice is low, I’m crazy hairy and show manly traits, I am not transgender. People used to mistake me for a dude when I was young. My hair was short, in twists, my shoes were big, my voice was low and my clothing style was far from feminine. But I was born a female and will always stay like this.

At some point in my youth, before puberty, I’ve had doubts about my gender identity because I have quite some masculine traits and I was called “young man” so often. But I wouldn’t want to change my gender ever. I’m just less feminine than regular females. It’s just part of my uniqueness. I like to be a female around males because it makes me feel safe and cuddly. Around females I sometimes still feel like a dude because I, for example, don’t know how to apply eye shadow and I often lift heavy things and pick things from the highest shelves and stuff… But that too I find yay because then they feel cuddly which is also yay, get it? ๐Ÿ˜€

I always refer to myself as “female”, because I want to say “woman”, but from the life I live, I feel like a little girl. x_x Mentally, I feel too grown up to say “girl”, but my dependency makes me feel like it’s not right to say “woman”.

Furthermore, I have nothing against anything LGBTQ related. I find it very important that people can be themselves, free from discrimination. Now seems like the time to develop a stronger bond between all of the different communities the world knows, instead of putting more emphasis on differences. (Therefore the word “cis” sounds a bit like “niggers” to me.)

Though that was not that important for D.O.C.I.S. International, I still want you to know all about the person you’re endorsing (if you will). ๐Ÿ™‚

D.O.C.I.S. Transition Phases

In “Kicking Back to kick off kicking off”, I said that I have published so many things already that it’s not easy to create oversight for us, so I have to define a starting point. And then I was not able to state a starting point ahahahah.

But last night, I was finally able to define starting points and phases. Here they are:

  • The center of chaos
  • Getting an international discussion going
  • Developing prototypes
  • Implementing The Fangyist System

I’m going to play cards now. I’ll be back later. Please click on the red bell in the corner of this screen to turn on push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 18:51 (06:51 PM) [GMT +2]ย 


The Center of Chaos

Currently, D.O.C.I.S. is in the center of chaos. As in the Stratagem is in chaos – everything is half-started – and the world is in (media-induced) chaos. (The title is also inspired by the first chapter of Propaganda by Edward Bernays. (One of my favorite books. ๐Ÿ™‚ ))

My blog has so many posts that it’s not at all clear what the purpose of it is, the (new version of the) D.O.C.I.S. International website is still not finished, The Fangs is incomplete, I’m not on Wikipedia (yet) and LinkedIn, I’m going back to school, people think that I want to scam them because I call myself “propagandist”, I often make very provocative statements but don’t further explain them, et cetera. It all doesn’t seem as revolutionary as it is, but it is done consciously. It wasn’t meant to pile up that much, the contents of the starting state, for it makes all of this seem chaotic, but because the long-term Stratagem is still the same, it will make it a lot more powerful in the end. So many controversial things have happened here and this site itself is already very controversial. That is done consciously, for the second state of the Stratagem.

Getting an International Discussion Going

There is enough provocative material to talk about, here. ๐Ÿ™‚ All topics that the Stratagem touches on, regarding my fellow Fangyists, are mentioned on in practice.

To create more international awareness and kickstart the process of doing international research and putting that into practice, I first wrote the (first book of the) Nosce Te Ipsum series, but that didn’t spark the conversation. I’m sure that the book club will do this. Plus I’ll give us fun assignments yay. ๐Ÿ˜€

Phase 1

When is the transition from the first state to the second completed? What does the completed version of the second state look like?

State 2 is completed when I’m not doing all of this all by myself anymore. It’s completed when D.O.C.I.S. International is not a sole proprietorship anymore and most of my current tasks are outsourced to other people within the organization. We’ll deliver historic quality together. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope that is clear now. If you have any questions, please let me know by posting a comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Winning @ playing the game spades 7 & shout out Catthierry 😸 ♥

Dinner was the yays

Me working on this post after dinner

We just went for ice cream

Prettyay ๐Ÿ˜€

Something that was exceptionally yay was that my father just allowed me to drive his car. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was my first time driving an SUV. It was yay. I’m very happy that I received this trust. Tomorrow I may drive again yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

We’ll be playing some more games and after that I’m going to sleep. Good night 😘 ♥

Updated 22:57 (10:57 PM) [GMT +2]


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August :| [Thursday, August 1, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

Woaaaah ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

This is such a trippy sight! I can’t believe that it’s August already. It feels like 2019 has barely started and meanwhile it’s coming to an end.

August is, internationally, ~the~ month of taking breaks. But D.O.C.I.S. won’t be participating in that for the year is coming to an end and I’m still not closer to the accomplishment of my goals than in 2017.

That is why I’m stating some “before September 24th” objectives:

  1. Finish the online presentation of D.O.C.I.S. International
    Currently, everything of me online is all half-finished (or not even half-finished). Of course I can’t finish what I’m working towards all by myself at once now, because the fully finished D.O.C.I.S. International is a replacement of all local governments and international organizations overshadowing those governments. I need more propaganda and more support to reach that level, plus I need to have my models and stuff finished for implementation.
    But to make sure that I really get busy with it, I have signed up for Jia Ruan’s webminar of tomorrow morning. I always see his video ads when I watch debate videos on YouTube. I’m always afraid that I won’t learn from it while I want to enjoy it, but after I clicked on the ad link, checked the page but didn’t do anything, today I saw a video ad about that I opened the page but didn’t sign up. That is great use of data so I have my hopes up now. ๐Ÿ™‚
  2. Be more honest and straightforward
    Since 2017, I’ve been biting my tongue. I used to be a direct and honest person, but this changed when my parents and I initiated a real-life chess game where they don’t want me to meet new people and move out and all I want is to meet new people and move out, especially when I just funded my PR business which now doesn’t even exist anymore, which was a decision influenced by their obstruction of business operations, along with the psychiatrists they were telling lies just so that they can keep me leashed on, stuck at home until they die.
    To keep the peace, for I financially depend on them and I don’t like to treat people in a way I don’t want to be treated, I have been staying nice and nodding yes to everything they’ve been saying over two years. But now that I’m older than 21, they are not responsible for me anymore, so they can’t say that if they don’t want me to study in, visit or move to the United States, that they have the final say in that, the way they obstructed the first campaign of Elia PR, involving dr. Crutzen.
    I still depend on them when it comes to studying in Antwerp comfortably, but if they want to, again, use psychological games to prevent me from moving out then I’ll do this without them. Then I’ll have an apartment with only a mattress on the floor. I don’t care. Freedom of operations is what I find the most important.
    By law my parents are obliged to invest in my future and well-being. All my life they have been doing what they want for me, at their expense. Never the investments they should have been doing. Everything I want gets shoved underneath the rug. But my studies in Antwerp are check-mate. My future depends on it and I could afford this by myself. So no matter what, I’ll finally have some healthy space to breathe. No more childish parental supervision, no more unnecessary psychiatric supervision, no more reminders of falsely going missing everywhere I go. It will just be D.O.C.I.S., my books and I and that will make me happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve been asking for help for the financial injustice I’ve been living in, but fuck all of that. I can do this on my own. Fuck dependency. I know we’ll all have a hard time trying to not lose our tempers, when I decide to speak up against everything that bothers me, starting from when they try to make conversation with me.
    With everyone I’ll be more open. This includes random people on the street randomly talking to me, this includes industry psychiatrists still keeping tabs on me (dr. Catje excluded, I’m already honest with him), this will include my openness about being Vic-sexual though I should let go of my feelings if I’ll seem like some random obsessed person fangirling forever.
    I hypothesize that my honesty will make them want me to leave just as much as I want to leave.
    If you wonder why I don’t show off my blog the way I should, it’s because all of this drama from my personal life is on it and I want that fixed because I don’t want to earn from sharing my annoyance about everyone who bothers me. I want to earn from implementing change.
  3. Freshen up my knowledge on Mathematics and write out in which way I’ll implement the knowledge from the first semester into my business right away
    Yess I’m going to study Mathematics for a reason and it’s important that I don’t lose track of that and hopefully ace this cum laude. (Something for which I’ll need to live on my own. Remember my diary when I didn’t want to go to Surinam because I wanted to focus on school but my mother found that “ongezellig” and still forced me to go – and financial dependency me allowed that – and then my streak of A’s was gone? I don’t want that to fucking EVER happen again grrrrrr.)
    What I learn during my studies, I’ll use in practice right away (which is the most fun thing ever)! ๐Ÿ˜€

In other “news” (ahahaha can you imagine this being on the news ahahahah “Jacques doesn’t like Italian food?”): before I went to bed, I thought of also putting some breadcrumbs on the floor to see if he’d maybe eat that. Because my path of prosciutto was still untouched…

Before going to bed (prosciutto and bread)

And I woke up to this:

Everything gone ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

I see Jacques enjoyed his bread with prosciutto. My lunch was his midnight snack haha.

I’ve now made a path of bread, but through the day, again, no luck. (Rather no prosciutto for I want him to stay more healthy and not develop a taste for human flesh in the future.)

bread trap

The bread trap: it resembles “all the bread in the world is outside”

Are the chunks too largeยฟ

Anyway meow I finished my hair as far as I could. 5 more strains I need, to finish it. It’s hidden underneath my bun-ish ness. And I ate my salmon:

Grilled salmon + spinazie รก la crัme

Now I’m going to make sunset pictures in the dunes. ๐Ÿ˜€ My family and the friends of my sister haven’t arrived yet.

Updated 21:07 (09:07 PM) [GMT +2]


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Calm Lonelyay [Wednesday, July 31, 2019]

My Graeynissis โ™ฅ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ ]

Thank you for checking in on me today. โ™ฅ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this.

[Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused to receive a car instead of an apartment in Antwerp.]
It was my intention to have another phoneless day, yesterday. I had just uploaded yesterday’s status update. While I was writing this and after that, I heard my cousin’s friend knock on the door several times – she wanted to go to the beach with us but her parents wanted to leave at 10 AM so she wanted to play with my cousin in the morning – and that my cousin was awake (from hearing her turn on her Nintendo 3DS and her visiting the bathroom).

I didn’t want to open the door either. Even to me that person was crazy annoying. Constantly demanding my attention “Look I can do a cart wheel” “Look I can do a somersault in the water” “Look at our pool (inflatable tub)” look at this look at that all the time and my reaction was “Oh nice!” all the time. At some point she complained that I always say “nice” and that I should use more words. Grinding my teeth, I said “Nice things are nice because they’re nice,” she not knowing what the fuck I even said because I purposely said it in English. If I were honest, I would have said: “WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE TO ME?” Stupid 13-year-old narcissist who plays with lego.

Hoping that she wouldn’t walk around the cabin and start knocking on our bedroom windows, I had my eyes on the clock. I had to laugh about the situation – thinking God will punish me for doing this – and had folded myself into a blanket caterpillar, posting some tweets and texting my mother. About something completely different.

Scusami I’m going to have some breakfast and will be back xxx

Updated 11:57 (AM) [GMT +2]


I wish I knew counter-affection ๐Ÿ™

Fangs: “Yesss I look forward to being my own interior designer. ๐Ÿ˜€ But study financing comes all the way in October (the school year starts at the end of September)… ”

Mother: “Preferrably Wednesday (next week for we’re in Egmond until Sunday).”

Fangs: “Niceeeeee. ๐Ÿ˜€ I namely fear that someone else claims the apartment before I do. So the sooner the better. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ (I thought it was going to be next Friday instead of Wednesday.)”

Mother: “Second hand stuff, stuff from home and a new bed”

I’d rather purchase items that are better long-term of which I can be proud, which are new (but cheap because I can’t afford expensive).

My affection ๐Ÿ™

Fangs: “Or cheap Ikea… But indeed stuff from home too I can take my closet along for example. And my kluzu. (Marnix (my high school) slang-ish for locker.) (There’s a locker in my room.)”

I’d rather purchase the cheapest Ikea items I can find regardless of the way they look, than buy used furniture.

Mother: “It doesn’t have to be done all at once.”

Fangs: “No only a bed and a table are important. Hmmm before or after Curaรงao…?”

Honestly placing furniture into a small apartment can be done all at once. But I depend on my parents in this so all I can do is obey and try to have a little influence. I’m still going to move out as soon as I can move in. Even if I’d only have a mattress on the floor.

Mother: “And then slowly build it up. What?”

A.k.a. I might be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but at least I’ll have my own space and that will make me the happiest person on the planet. Please don’t say “What?” ๐Ÿ™

Fangs: “I can probably move in before you’re back from Curaรงao. But the school year starts from…”

A standard rent contract starts at the first of the month and I’m not going to travel back and forth after the one-hour delay of my train the first time I went there already. My parents are going to Curaรงao for a week longer than my sister and I.

Ughhhhh ๐Ÿ™

Fangs: “But the year starts from September 24th so principally that doesn’t matter.”

Mother: “Noooo, slow down. Your father also still has to get used to the idea of you wanting to live in Antwerp. He would rather buy you a car.”

My blood started to boil but I kept my cool because I still financially depend on them (and they’re screwing me over so fucking much every time). Because seriously, I’ve been in debt since age 18 or something and only when I might finally move out, that’s when he wants to buy me a car so that it will take even longer before I move out? Let me the fuck go man I feel like I’m held hostage and everyone is just watching it. ๐Ÿ™ They want me to move out when I’m 40 and then live two blocks away so that they can come by for dinner every day.

Fangs: “Ah sweet but I need a degree to afford (the maintenance of) that car and I have 40 hours or something of school per week so it’s better that I move there.”

What the fuuuuuuck. ๐Ÿ™ It sounds so crazy that I’m turning down a car – of course I want a car – but more importantly I want to distance myself of the grip my parents have on me. That goes at the cost of anything.ย  Even if I’d have to kill them and buy a car and a deserted island from my fucking inheritance.

Mother: “He wants to pay for (all of) it. But I already said that travelling there and back every day is too tiring”

That is my greatest problem. I never build up any finance because my parents always give me the assets and never the money to buy the assets. If they would give me that money he was going to use to buy a car for me then everything will be settled for me moving out and moving on.

I’m trying my very best not to lose it

Fangs: “I know what to do with that money if I could get that as a business investment I could buy my matte grey Audi RS7 (sportback) within no time. But (currently) the most important is that degree and the least tiring way towards that (thus not driving to Antwerp and back for three years or something).”

For years I’ve been asking my father for a business investment and for years he has been saying that I’m not worth the investment. And my mother speaks of buying second-hand furniture. And now just like that he wants to buy me a car for which I know he doesn’t need a loan to buy it. I can buy brand new furniture with that budget they want to use to buy me a car. No idea what car he was going to try to bribe me with but honestly I don’t even want to know because this all hurts so much. Were they really expecting me to say “Oh never mind I’ll just stay home for another year and cook twice a week yay I have a car now thank you daddy”? I’m not fucking stupid meow let me go. ๐Ÿ™ Antwerp is empty nest syndrome check-mate. Let them just enjoy their other daughter who does like and love them.

Mother: “Right. And I find it beautiful that you now have this goal and that you now can hold on to it.”

Of course I can hold on to this. I’m doing all of this to get some space to breathe, away from them. She always insinuates that I change my goals in life around like it’s nothing, but never in my life have I changed the goal I’m working towards. I’ve only started a new strategy every time another one didn’t work out. She doesn’t understand how I’m going to use Mathematics to spark that same revolution (maybe in a way that is even better).

Fangs: “Yesss I now owe them a year of tuition ahahahahaha”

I’m saying this because they sound like they’re going to back out and they said that they were going to pay my tuition.

Mother: “Behind the scenes I’m busy with your father. He is worried and has his own ideas. I do understand him, it’s a bit scary for him, that you want to move out (by yourself)…”

Ew first sentence construction. Empathy, too, will not make me change my mind about how I just refused a car. If I could get that money from someone else I would be saved so much of this headache. I hate negotiating with my parents because I always end up settling for something that I don’t want.

My god please help meeeeee

Mother: “… His eldest daughter. Yes, that tuition will be taken care of.”

Is he even my actual biological father? If not why is he making decisions for me? And even if yes, I’m fucking 22 and not incompetent so please just fucking cooperate for one. ๐Ÿ™ Why the fuck does my future depend on their shit.

Fangs: “I understand that it’s a tense situation for the both of you. But this is just Belgium and not even the United States (“Verenigde Staten”) where I want to obtain my PhD. We’re starting off easily. :D”

She’s wording this like only my father is suffering from empty nest syndrome. That’s why I say “the both of you”. It should have been “We’re starting off slow,” but it clearly is not. This is already a headache and I haven’t even started the negotiations with them in person yet. I reallyyyyy don’t want to negotiate with them in person ever again, the previous times in my life that I endured that were so traumatic.

Speaking of traumatic I JUST SAW A MOUSEEEEEEEEE IN THIS FUCKING CABIN. ๐Ÿ™ I’m afraid it will bite me. ๐Ÿ™ And eat my food. ๐Ÿ™ Plus I have so many items laying on the floor in my room here oh my god nooo. ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™

I’m going to call him Jacques. ๐Ÿ™ I’m in shock ahahahahaha. I can hear it nibble on shit.

Updated 13:27 (01:27 M) [GMT +2]


Would making a trace of breadcrumbs make Jacques come out here alive and let us both live freely? I’m currently with my feet on the couch like a scared Catje. ๐Ÿ™ I don’t want to move but I should do the dishes and make myself more food. Help. ๐Ÿ™ You see this is why I need a sexy Graeyniss. ๐Ÿ™

Who else can I tell this

Mother: “We will get used to it quickly. Especially when we see that you’re having a good time there.”

That’s not even what I want. I want more distance and less supervision.

Fangs: “Whatever it takes that will be fine.”


Jacques is hella photogenic. Come catch and adopt him please dear any Dutch animal lover willing to come to the Sint-Adelbertusweg 31 to pick up this mouse (and het FangCatje) please. Please please ๐Ÿ™


Mother: “Ooh nooooo. ๐Ÿ™ Do make sure that at least everything that can be eaten is in plastic containers. If necessary fill the rice container with sachets of food.”

I don’t want to do fucking anything. Fuck this. ๐Ÿ™ As if I didn’t think of the food. But still fuck all of this meow I’ve had it. ๐Ÿ™

Now that I’m in scared cat mode I can continue the rest of my story on this – by the way – very rainy day. I should untie my braids as well but then I’ll have to wash my hair and what if Jacques is in the shower. ๐Ÿ™ I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see him well meow my feet are bare this is not yay. ๐Ÿ™

That girl started knocking at 08:30 AM, then came back at 09:00 AM and then came back at 09:30 AM. My cousin and I stayed in our beds but my aunt felt guilty for the girl and opened the door. She was there with her mother and they were complaining about that no one opened the door. My aunt nudged my cousin and let the girl in who then started to complain to my cousin and hissing “I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to be dressed and ready.” Then came to my room to ask for a pen.

I searched in my bag, found a pen but dropped that one back into my bag to search for another one.
“I just saw you found a pen,” she said.
“Yes, but that one is empty. I just keep it with me for some weird reason,” I replied and proved that by scratching it on a paper in my notebook.

It reminds me of a little accomplishment and Victishe, so I don’t want to throw it away ๐Ÿ™

Another annoying moment like that was when we were walking to the beach yesterday and my cousin said that it’s a tough walk and then my aunt said that for us it is but for her it’s not because she walks a lot and likes to walk. Then my cousin and I were defending ourselves. My cousin started to give examples of how often she walks and my aunt then said that she still sometimes uses the bike because she hates when she has to climb downstairs to put her bike in the shed.ย  I told her that it’s tough because my cousin and I are walking on bath slippers. Then she asked why no sneakers and I said because we’re going to the beach. In my social environment I always have nonsensical discussions like this. Fucking hate it so much.

What is even more frustrating, which happens even more often, is that people like to try to debunk my facts. My cousin asked how far it is from the cabin to the beach and I told her that according to Google Maps it’s 2.2 km, I saw when I cycled it the first time. Then my aunt said “No, I believe it’s either 1.3 or 1.9 km. I don’t know why.” I hate to be right all the time man why even start another nonsensical discussion I swear just say nothing. Then on our way back we spotted a sign that says “Beach 1.9 km,” which means that from the beach to the cabin it’s not 1.3 and also not 1.9 km. I hate to be questioned. When I saw it, I didn’t say a word. The frustration made me up my walking pace even more. I was already stopping to let them catch up all the time but the distance just kept getting bigger and bigger. At some point I turned around and saw them walk into a lane to look at something without even notifying me, so I started to just walk on my actual walking tempo (even faster) and go to the cabin without looking back. I mean I had to cook after all and was tired enough already.

She mentioned that my cousin and her could stay over at my apartment when I’ve moved to Antwerp and that she has gone to many concerts there. I asked what the name of the concert location was she didn’t know and received some celebration haha I was wrong bashing verbally when it was not the location meant when I said: “Oh there’s an event location close to where I want to live. Maybe it’s that one.” I’m moving on meow no one from my social circle here will stay over at my place in Antwerp. But I didn’t say that because it sounds so cold towards them. Though it’s what would make me happy.

In the video I made on my walk back to the cabin, I say that I’m not blogging because I want to make people look bad and have some gossip bullshit website. I don’t even like gossip. I’m sharing my frustration here because I can’t share it anywhere else and I hope that someone can understands and would like to help me start a new life away from all of this unnecessary frustration.

Time to put on some shoes and make my mouse freedom trap before my mother is here with mouse traps tomorrow. Tomorrow is so very soon. ๐Ÿ™

Updated 14:54 (02:54 PM) [GMT +2]


Meanwhile I have made a path to show Jacques the door because this is really not working out, but he must have found something that makes him attached to this place because I haven’t seen him ever since that picture.

I hope he’s into Italian food…

Everyone loves Italian food meowww. My mother said the has spoken to a vermin expert one day and he/she told her that they’re after fat. So that’s why this is a path of prosciutto di parma (the parts that were starting to dry out) instead of breadcrumbs.

I’ve also finally washed the dishes and have started to untie my braids. My hair has grown a lot yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ Unfortunately I can’t untie my braids and type at the same time meow. I’m really fed up with that I enjoy being alone so much but my family is so unnecessarily attached to me. It’s not that we have nice conversations or anything. Aside from my willingness to cook and do other shit I don’t understand why they’re so attached to me. Hmm maybe that was enough reason already. Oh and that I always listen to their monologues. But I’ve had enough of it meow I’m thinking of just saying what I think starting tomorrow. I’d rather just leave though because it will end up in the fight of the century for sure.ย  ๐Ÿ™

Updated 17:17 (05:17 PM) [GMT +2]


Mid-untying braids tired Catje

Still no sign of Jacques…

Updated 18:05 (06:05 PM) [GMT +2]


Untied braids yays time to eat yesterday’s left over awesomeness for dinner.

Gosh this post is over 3000 words. I really become almost kleptomaniac when it comes to convincing whoever is influential, rich, Graeyniss and yay to make me part of their life and get me out of the social deadlock I’m living in. My brain shuts down every time I realize tomorrow the setting will go from peaceful to giving people attention again meow I don’t want that anymore. ๐Ÿ™ I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people I don’t like either anymore and I’m going to stop treating them like I want to be treated because they treat me like shit. Second-hand furniture but still buying me a ticket to Curaรงao while I don’t even want to go. ๐Ÿ™

I do want the Sun and a beach but I’d rather enjoy it with people I actually like. :'(

Ooh meoow I just realized the huge stack of used panties underneath my suitcase meow I hope Jacques hasn’t settled himself in that because I’m already dealing with panties scarcity. Honestly especially after this vermin I don’t want to even wear them anymore. But money. ๐Ÿ™

Updated 18:57 (06:57 PM) [GMT +2]


So July is coming to an end.

Statistically (non-cookie-blocking-people wise), it was better than February and March

Top 10 most read posts/pages

I should actually do this tomorrow because maybe a lot of people suddenly feel like reading things just before twelve and then July suddenly was statistically better than May.

Antwerpiyays has been doing well so I hope blogging in Antwerp once I’ve moved there – because that is going to happen and I really hope to be able to claim that two bedroom apartment near campus omggg – will do at least just as well.

My plans for tomorrow are finishing my hair, baking salmon and hoping that the weather will be better than today so that I can take some pictures of the sunset. Furthermore I’m planning to say what I think and share the effects thereof in my post, and I’m going to set some objectives for the month of August (because I want organizational operations steadiness in September so I need to set up things in August). Plus I hope to elaborate on this set of tweets and pictures (I’ll just show you a few of them because they are a lot):

“… have to pay for the vergrijzing (percentage of working class retiring afforded by tax money), and earn back the INVESTMENT (because that minister said it wasn’t an investment) in that outdated nonsense (klimaatakkoord), and then have to pay the retirement pensions of those dumb people who created the klimaatakkoord (plus all the refugees they let in).”

Excusez moi it should have been Thierry Baudet and I. 😸

But this is all just things I want to see finished meow currently I’m doing my hair and I won’t be able to finish that before going to sleep (especially because I want to make it more voluptuous (voluminousยฟ) than it previously was).

Oh and Jacques doesn’t like Italian food. ๐Ÿ™ Stupid mouse. ๐Ÿ™ I’m going to try breadcrumbs tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Good night ♥

Updated 23:30 (11:30 PM) [GMT +2]


Phone water
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Flashback “Chilling” [Monday, July 29, 2019]

Good morning, my Graeyniss โ™ฅ

Passion is finished yaysss. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know if you’ve spotted it last night, because I updated the last of it pretty late last night. It’s a veryyy nice read, seeing how it sticks together from start to finish:





I’m in bed, writing you early because today I’ll be full-time spending time with my aunt, cousin and her new friend who are staying here. I spend far too much time with my phone in my hands I’m missing out on reality. ๐Ÿ™

But before I go, I’d like to share some feelings of mine I’m dealing with, hoping for your listening ear: especially after sharing those screenshots of the type of “conversations” I have every day and the amount of degrading ASKfm questions that pour in whenever I answer just one of them (at some point I just stop answering because it’s just too much time and energy wasted for nothing… I still have questions in my answers queue from that same day), I see and feel more of the disrespected reality I live. It’s not nice. ๐Ÿ™ I’ve been keeping myself from online conversations more and more ever since this realization (again). Chances are high I won’t respond to anything today, but still maybe post a few tweets in case I’m bored.

Another thing I’ve been afraid to share is this:

I dared to share this new piece of fraud evidence now, because my parents left last night. They will be back – with my sister and her friends – on Thursday. I’m always afraid that my father will beat me to death when I check-mate him with evidence on his fraud. But people don’t believe this is real or something? I don’t know why I’m not saved from all the dangers I live. ๐Ÿ™ I hope the government has its eyes on him because this really is not normal. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. ๐Ÿ™ I’m not a fan of the system either but if we’d all do what they’re doing the financial crisis that will follow would be untamable.

I hope that, considering that with those screenshots I have now shared all aspects of my life, what I’m trying to do as a propagandist is clear and people will see the good in this and work with me. It would bring us to the revolution that will better our lives. I hope that it will work out and that I – though it’s still a better alternative than forever living together with my family – won’t have to live all by myself in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t know who to trust, where I could be treated like just another student, while my intelligence is clearly different and I’m this online phenomenon spitting ideas, who can be followed anywhere. I really don’t want to meet another person telling me “Oh you’re so beautiful blah blah,” while I can’t talk about the actual contents of my mind (like seriously let’s revolutionize the system) and then end up in this weird sexual relationship being offended “because I don’t say much and I’m weird”. Please. ๐Ÿ™

I’m going to take a little nap because I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope you’ll help me start the largest court case ever one day. From there we could initiate the D.O.C.I.S. ๐Ÿ™‚ .

With all of the formerly forgotten toxic flashbacks that are haunting me now, I’m starting to realize how the D.O.C.I.S. I initiated 2 years ago, before the memory loss thing happend, sticks together.

Love you โ™ฅ

Updated 08:56 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Phone water

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Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Passion 5 [Sunday, July 28, 2019]

Heys ♥

Welcome to the last post of my list of passions. ๐Ÿ™‚ The last two topics on my list have a lot of elements from the other topics on my list in them.

Before I continue, I’d like to log these tweets here for diary purposes:

It’s remarkable how much the sea has drawn to the coast in such a short matter of time with such steady seeming weather circumstances. ๐Ÿ™‚

I can’t take this anymore I’m so much more than just a body. 😿 One day concepts like sexting and other shit will be things of the past, I believe. Please leave the measures to me. ๐Ÿ™‚


I love gaining objective information that can easily be fact-checked. Unfortunately knowledge is rarely propagated including any official reports and original data. My need to study the things that are considered facts these days like that grows every day. I’m certain that most new “facts” propagated to society are lies by people who just want to be famous for something a lot of people deal or will deal with in their lives. I’d rather find my own truths.

That some (often right-wing) people go about knowledge and the propagation thereof in the same way really warms my heart.

One thing I’d really like to know, though, is if all the tension and influencing that is casted over people is done with a certain long-term vision in mind. Do people know what they’re working towards or is everyone just doing something and acting as if they know what they’re working towards. If we all follow our long-term strategies, where are we in 20 years?

Subjective information (opinions/personal perception) was something I used to find always interesting. Now only the unique individual perception of the 10% most intelligent people in the world is what interests me. Like how do other intelligent people develop themselves (mentally)? ๐Ÿ™‚ We all need to figure these things out for ourselves and all, through our nature and nurture, have unique findings. Be my Graeyniss? 😻

If I’m correct the rest of people are people with no talent who basically know this of themselves. They uplift themselves by bringing others down and often do this in sneaky ways. They are with many and with that can have endless conversations about how much they suck at life and how life is unchangable and how we are all meant to stay poor forever. Take me to a deserted island please their mentality is so fucking toxic and soooooo fucking wrong. They are ruining the younger generations (as far as they haven’t been infected yet).

When it comes to the information I spread and the limited ways in which I do this, I’m very unsatisfied, too. I do everything by myself and there’s a limited amount of words I can type in a day so everything you see/read/hear of me is always not at its full potential. Very dissatisfying.
Plus I want to see all records there are about me. Medical records, police records, airport whatever records, broken records, “wtf have you seen this on the internet records” and so on. I need oversight.


Does affection even (still) exist? It’s so hard to find. ๐Ÿ™ I always have to drag it out of people and even then it’s most often absolute fucking trash. ๐Ÿ™

My list of passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied is:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy
  6. Information
  7. Affection

If you put this list in reverse, you see what I find the most important in life:

  1. Affection
  2. Information
  3. Sex/Intimacy
  4. Creativity
  5. Food
  6. Observation
  7. Distraction

On affection and explaining this two-sided list I will continue after catching some z’s. Good night

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Good evening ♥

Unfortunately my blog was under maintenance when I had inspiration to update it and after that I went to the beach with my cousin and her new friend.

The water was great. ๐Ÿ™‚ After that I took the longest nap ever and now I’m here to finish my list and tell you about my greatest passion.

Affection (continued)

In an affectionate relationship I can really be myself. My expressions and way of thinking are very uncommon, so I only feel safe to be myself when I feel mutual affection. When I know I won’t get hurt because I’m different. But this type of relationship is currently only a fantasy. In reality, the world is ice cold. My heart is burning from this.

I see society grow more loveless every day. Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community, propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive, influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense, people mistake love for forced attachment, offensiveness is humor, ways to settle disagreements get more brutal each day, and so on… It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.

Let me further explain that list of statements:
“Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community”
I feel like I’m living an example of this. That I believe that I’m capable of making large-scale changes to the world is one of the reasons why I have been labeled a schizophrenic. The “professional” psychiatrist considered it a fact that the world will stay stagnate. With a smile on her face she told me this heart shattering news.

It’s like people don’t want to see other people be successful, because they want to be the ones successful. There’s always jealousy and never just pure affection.

Of course the example I just gave you doesn’t weigh heavy enough to say that that pessimism is carried on a large scale. That’s why I’m going in to the way today’s widespread quotes are built up. They reek of that “I don’t want you to be more successful than I”, from the negative undertones they have.

Plenty shared quotes are always built up as something like: “If yo bitch blink twice you know she won’t like your cheerios.” (That’s a Lil Fangs original (satirically). 😏 ) The syntax is: negative assumption + something obvious everyone has + imperative sounding advice/wisdom.

But a better example of this is something I came across today: “Life is too short to have a bad attitude.”
If someone would tell me that (and I can’t not take “wisdom” quotes personal), the first thing that would hurt me is: “Why are you saying that I have a bad attitude?” And then: “Do you think I don’t know that? It’s clearly obvious?” I genuinely don’t understand how people can be motivated by such harsh sounding words. Why not affectionate motivation, instead of this army drilling “motivational” tone? ๐Ÿ™ Affectionate people with a dream, like me, will not get encouraged by words like this.

By “in favor of the community” I mean that there will be no new successful people. That is in favor of the jealous demonic masses. Though they will be missing out on better living circumstances if they keep holding on to the idea of an eternally stagnate world.

Ah meow I see I’ll finish this post past twelve. ๐Ÿ™ I’m still keeping it 5 posts meow I really don’t want it to cover more days because it’s about just finishing something.

“Propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive”
Why are the serious breakthroughs of the intelligent very rarely mentioned? Why is the little positive news that is spread always indirect propaganda for a simple life?
Every piece of news/propaganda is shaped as a confirmation of “the world is an awful place and it will always stay that way”. Is there anyone interested in counting the amount of propagations of mass shootings, rape, fraud, et cetera and compare that to the amount of positive news ever spread? My hypothesis is that there’s far far far more negative news than positive news.

My Chrome homepage suggested this news article to me:
“Newton was wrong: Scientists dismiss Newton’s theory of gravity and warn Einstein is next”
I find it sad news. Like the balance we assumed and celebrated was all a lie. The news article just says that some scientist says that it’s wrong. It doesn’t go in to what the theory of gravity exactly is, why it’s wrong and what is then right. But it’s a great article for a jealous demon to discourage an affectionate Angel with. ๐Ÿ™ I can already hear people in my social environment say: “The world will really stay shit. Even Newton was wrong. And Einstein is next.”

What interests me even more is why does a scientist want to spend time and money proving this wrong? Why not come up with a completely new original theory? Why does this person want to be “the scientist proving Newton and Einstein wrong”? They’re dead. Their legacy will become a lie.

I’d love to propagate positive news with a lot of affection. That’s why the concept for a global broadcast center is part of the construction of the future D.O.C.I.S. International.

“Influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense”
I think that if I say that Donald J. Trump his time is wasted you understand what I mean. He, like many other influentials in power who have actual vision and who are not just doing it for the name and fame, spends so much time defending himself against the most awful allegations. Then he sometimes offends someone who hurts him back and then the whole offense defense thing starts from the beginning again.

So much time to see someone carry out his/her passionate vision has been wasted by demons out for short demonic fame.

“People mistake love for forced attachment”
From my observations I see that the majority of people doesn’t believe in unconditional and eternal love. People think that being in love means that you spend almost all of your time with the only person you should have sex with and fight with this person every now and then.

Those screenshots I showed you yesterday are an example of how people these days see love. Love can’t be forced, no matter how much people try to use words they think sound lovable. I don’t believe in falling in love via the internet. Only feeling someone’s affection in real life could make me fall in love.

Where is courtship? Are there people who still do spontaneous flowers? If you are one of those people please cuddle me. 😿

“Offensiveness is humor”
Please give me an example of a personal joke you’ve heard or have been told that wasn’t offensive because I don’t know any. It’s always about someone’s ethnicity or a mistake or an insecurity or something. Why not make jokes that are uplifting? Why not make jokes that are flirtatious? (Courting flirtatious and not offensive flirtatious. Say “Your laptop probably stopped working because its camera spotted you and you are so hot that its system crashed.” And not “Je hebt best wel lekkere tieten haha.” Both the person telling the joke and the one hearing it can gain from that. (Even when there’s no mutual attraction, it could still create mutual affection.)

“It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.”
Affectionate people are hard to find. Most people don’t even know what affection is. They mistake it for what they see in the movies. Even empathy is nowhere to be found. Like that person yesterday telling me that my blog is slow. What the fuck? 😿 That’s how demons start conversations. I do everything by myself here I know that my blog is slow I can’t help it. 😿

Negative news like “Newton was wrong” and “Your blog is slow” can be brought in a way that doesn’t rip one’s heart into pieces. Say “Newton’s theory of gravity has a successor”. Say “Unfortunately I have noticed that the load speed of your blog is not very high. Have you thought of any solutions to that yet?”

Affectionate people use empathic language naturally. People get naturally drawn to them. Being in their presence is just so uplifting. (I think they’re part of (or even are) the 10% most intelligent people in the world.)
Unfortunately the world is about 75% demons, disguised as Angels. These narcissists drag us down and keep us believing that a better life is impossible to create. Like it’s something we don’t even deserve.

I’m waiting for the day my Angels tell me they’ve had enough of the world’s demonic bullshit and report themselves present for my revolution.

If you keep up with my blog and study my writings like you’d study Ovid’s Aeneid, you’re an affectionate person. I hope that you know you’re the only people I write this for and I hope that you know that my heart beats for you and only you (affectionate ambitious people). Our hearts are vulnerable and I live to protect them.

Affection is the best distraction. Affection is the hottest reason for observation. Affection creates better dinners. Affection enhances creativity by at least 100%. Affection is the reason for the best intimate relationships. Affection should be the only drive for knowledge.

That concludes my list.

Good night, my love. ♥

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The featured image is made by Evie Shaffer on Pexels

Audio, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Videos

Passion 4 [Saturday, July 27, 2019]

Hey โ™ฅ

I can’t sleep again. ๐Ÿ™ Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. ๐Ÿ™‚

Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully powerless. In these two nights alone here in Egmond, I’ve become so accustomed to living alone that I just want more and more of those moments where I can just be myself. I want to be a wild catje walking around with only panties on all the time my meow. The parcels I’ve been staying on don’t have enough surrounding private land to always do that, but even here I’ve been doing that at night with the curtains closed. If I’d do that around my acquaintences, they would say something like: “Ehm what the fuck are you doing?”

Anyway let’s get to this hot topic my miyays I have my current sexy example fantasy on repeat in my mind I’d like to share with you and use that to further explain my philosophy about sex/intimacy. I’m going to send a push notification about that I’m writing now and share this on Twitter as well (that’s a lot of yay push notifications if you follow me on both ๐Ÿ˜€ ).

Hmm but then you’d end up here and only have an introduction text and no juicy text about passion yet, so here are some of my most recent liked YouTube videos you could watch (even if you don’t speak Dutch, just watch them ๐Ÿ™‚ ) while I’m typing and you’ll receive another push notification when I’m done (in about 30-45 minutes I estimate).ย 

Updated 03:17 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Sex / Intimacy (continued)

The last time I had sex was in December or January or something. I don’t remember exactly when it was (I don’t remember much of that night in general because I was quite drunk). I believe I’ve blogged about it somewhere. All I remember is that it was a bad example of what sex should be like. It’s one of those memories I’d like to get distracted from.

Over 6 months without sex is a crazy long time for me. In comparison to when I was with my ex, where a day without sex felt like a lifetime. It was the most heavyweight reason why I found it so hard to distance myself from him. But I’m over him now. I think… ๐Ÿ™

I am so very much in the mood for sex. Always. And I always have plenty of sex/intimacy offers available to me. Here are some online examples of them I’ve received this month:

Someone on ASKfm wants to taste the juices of my vagina:

I always respond to my ASKfm questions with openness. Sex really is one of the most interesting topics ever. (Topics that are more interesting are a future global revolution and Fangyism ahahahahaha.)

Getting married to me for a European citizenship (“intimacy”):

I’m always interested in why people do what they do

The audacity…

You give this one a title:

Someone I “know” from social media

Et cetera et cetera I said no

[What if I meet a person like this when I live on my own in Antwerp?]

Over the years I’ve built a strong sense of intuition for offers I should refuse. These examples are all things I know I should avoid in real life because I know I will really not enjoy them. I love sex a lot. Like really a lottttttt. But I’d really rather have no sex than bad sex. I can look someone in the eye or interpret someone’s style of writing and directly know if our sex would be good or bad.

My ex has, for a veryyy long time been the person who I considered the most sexually attractive person. Now it’s Victishe… 😻 My body craves for him so much that it feels like suffering to live without him… Ever since I’ve seen him for the first time, I picture us being intimate.

My craving is so serious that I always fold my blanket and pillows together at length and cuddle it at night, pretending it’s him, but missing the actual feeling I’ve never even felt. I’m so curious of what it feels like because nothing can imitate his greatness. 😻

When I spoke with him the first time, it was basically the first time I got the feeling: “You are so hot if I stand close to like this you for too long I won’t be able to keep my body from wanting to touch you all over anymore…”

After my very random indirect attempts to see him again, there seems to be no possible way to ever meet again. (My heart has been bashed after being refused for jobs that are way below my level.)

The fantasy that popped up in my mind was that we suddenly lock eyes at a random Graeyniss event. (And this is what I would actually do in real life because now I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore.) I walk up to him and say: “Het is me een waar genoegen, heer *achternaam*.” (“It is a pleasure to see you, sir *last name*.”) And kiss his hand while making a little bow. (Can’t kiss his hand and look into his eyes at the same time because then I might faint from my attraction for him.)

I find a female kissing a male’s hand quite a cool emancipation 2.0 type of thing I hope he’d understand and appreciate the humor of. And see my affection for him.

My mind then comes with endless options of how he could respond to that. I like the one where we both keep up this overly formal tone and I tell him that my uncommon behavior (having chased him in the past meow I’m ashamed) comes from being such a great Victor *last name* (moet ik nou privacy anoniem achtig doen of niet meow ik snap het niet meer ๐Ÿ™ ) fan. Then I ask him if he could please please lower himself so that I could give him a kiss on his cheek and after that kiss we both lose control over the way we have been suppressing our primitive drives that make us want to mate.

As this all happens (figuratively), the following question/dilemma arises: “All kinds of “important” people can see our interaction. What influence will this have on our careers?”

The right answer to that question, according to the Fangyist philosophy is: “Fuck it. Just be yourself. Fuck “important people” if they don’t allow you to be yourself. You’ll be fine without them.”

To be continued. I’m going to take a nap. Good morning. xxx

Updated 06:35 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Good afternoon ♥

Here are the ASKfm questions I woke up to:
Ahaha one of my favorite answers
A better definition of the word “Graeyniss” (!!!)
I want to say “Inshallah”
Please I hope Victishe is available to me

I hope you don’t mind me not adding <a href=”…” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer”&rt; *link* </a&rt; et cetera to it. I will elaborate on the great controversy this all is and more after my shower because guests will be arriving soon xxx

Updated 15:15 (03:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The delay will be a lil longer because I’m making myself lunch:

making lunch

I’ll be whipping ramen noodles with this. Issa classy struggle meal.

Hinting the controversy: how to educate people on how to treat each other sexually without becoming part of what I consider wrong first?

Do you understand why I feel so lonely?

Updated 16:05 (04:05 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Meanwhile guests have arrived and I’ve been socializing some. But I have so much to say about this topic meow it’s time for me to further explain why sex/intimacy is one of my greatest passions but currently also one of my greatest burdens.

With those 35 ASKfm questions about sex this afternoon, I show you the controversy I live in its purest form. That dilemma, “What influence will this have on our careers?” also includes “What influence will this have on the way people look at us?”

A female going in to public (online) sex offers is considered a taboo everywhere. All of those people reaching out to me to masturbate behind their screens keep themselves anonymous for a reason. But if I don’t display this publicly, though I’m extremely ashamed of it and it feels disrespectful to myself it hurts, some people who really are important to me won’t know what type of culture is dominating the internet.

I don’t think that the creators of ASKfm and other social networks intended their platforms to become a place for sex offerings and sex requests. EVEN ON FUCKING WORDFEUD one of my (Dutch(! (Dutch directness and online sex creeping is one of the worst most offensive combinations ever))) opponents asked me if I like white dick. The internet has so much to offer but this is what it’s mostly used for, which is so very disappointing it fuels my disgust. It’s one of the reasons why, when I mentioned observation in my first Passion post, I said that I want to be able to track people. I want ASKfm, Twitter and (most importantly) Strato to show me which IP addresses are watching me (anonymously), for Planet Fang (and who to assassinate) purposes. It’s also one of the reasons why I so often say that I want to move to a secluded place and change my number and not be reachable by people like this anymore.

Regarding to those 35 questions; I hope that in my compliance (which hurts my heart) and the thick layer of sarcasm, you can see that I’m trying to have some influence. I really hope that I can have at least a tiny bit of influence in getting women treated with more respect when it comes to sex.

Those questions are one of the few ways through which I can make myself heard on a larger scale. It hurts me that it’s almost only about sex, because I’m so much more than that I hope that you know that my love, but at least I can get people to listen to me in this way. 😢

I have never opened up about the way I feel about how I’m harrassed online. It feels like quite a step.

The great controversy is that I find it wrong to make sex and intimacy things that happen (almost only) via the internet, but simultaneously the internet is the greatest source of information so I just need to locate myself where I can have the loudest voice.

I’m trying to show you how to make someone feel genuinely loved. But I can’t force real love. It’s something I’ve lost hope for. The world is dominated by heartless demons who may all fucking die. That’s why love is not even on my list of passions. ๐Ÿ™

My greatest problem in my openness and compliance is that I don’t put enough emphasis on how fucking much I HATE IT when people use imperative voice on me and how disrespectful most questions I get are. Seriously: “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?”

To recap this passage:

Twitter DM screenshot

It’s a Dutch person I said “Yess I need a recent example anyway”

Again I hate to do what an imperative voice said, but if I wouldn’t show you this then you wouldn’t know. I really wonder how other women go about this. I always stay polite but this is so controversial. By “I’m good” I’m trying to politely say “Please stop this.” If someone would say that to me in real life, passionately, my heart would melt. But online it’s all same shit different day to me. And every time it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 😢

There should be political attention for this. This should be just as illegal as calling women out on the street.

I’m afraid that if I’d speak up against all of this people I’d lose all of my followers and have no one to talk to anymore. I fear that they’d all try to take revenge on me or even try to physically harm me. But simultaneously I’ve always wanted to choke/beat someone to death so fucking bring it on.
Wat een kutopmerking

Apart from my family and acquaintances, these are the only people who talk to me. I feel like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I crave for intellectual conversation so much but the people I talk to don’t have that capacity. ๐Ÿ™ My contact information is all over the internet, and I hope that people would approach me for my thoughts about revolution, but it’s all about fucking sex. 😢

I wish I were unapproachable on the public web and have uplifting like-minded friends I could cuddle with, with whom I’d live in seclusion and peace. Planet Fang. But if I’m not approachable I can’t find the intelligent friends I need.

When it comes to me moving to Antwerp, I genuinely fear for my life. I always get chased by people of whom I think: “What makes you think I’d ever be attracted to you…?” I don’t know anyone who could protect me when I can’t protect myself. 😢

I love sex and am very passionate about intimacy. Still this is one of my greatest burdens because there’s currently only one person I genuinely find sexually attractive. (I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read if you read this, Victishe. ๐Ÿ™ ) Furthermore I get loveless dispassionate sex offers literally every single day, which I use to teach how I find people should treat their sex partners. I wish people would reach out to me for my intelligence but it’s always about my body. ๐Ÿ™ I hope to succeed in creating a larger discussion about online sex culture. When it comes to me moving abroad by myself and having no defense against people wanting to get in my pants, I fear for my life. ๐Ÿ™

So, this far, my passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied, I’ve listed:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy

The next topic on my list is information. More about that later.

Updated 20:37 (08:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


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