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Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

Hmmm… Let’s do Nothing :D [Thursday, July 18, 2019]

I guess we don’t enjoy looking ahead. It’s important, though. But I’ll save it for when we really have to, then.

According to my statistics, yesterday’s post was not an enjoyable read

I didn’t enjoy yesterday that much either. To get to the point where I own this big broadcasting center (of books, magazines, entertainment videos, entertaining audio, and actual news broadcasts), own large parts of land world-wide and provide them with living facilities [get itt subtly building my own countryay ๐Ÿ˜€ ] – using mathematics for translating all changes and policies et cetera to the large scale – I just wanted to start setting everything up with my personal funds budget of almost nothing. That’s why I’m selling books and essays and setting up the D.O.C.I.S. Store et cetera. I need funds to get there. The type of funds not many investors dare to gamble with. So I’ve been doing everything myself for crazy long. My brain is refusing to continue working, because the results wouldn’t be what they would be if I were in charge of a (little) team, instead of doing everything by myself.

I’m just letting it all go for now. (Aside from the schematized version of FangCatje that I want to have to have sent before I drive to Amsterdam tomorrow.) My brain wants rest and I want to be your full-time entertaining distraction through the day. The wild fun Catje you come to visit every day, here in this far corner of the public web. ๐Ÿ™‚

We’re going to be chilling today my meoow. I’ve been putting myself under so much pressure for something people won’t anticipate on anyway. According to the guidelines of the Dutch government, for example, this is a domain that can’t be trusted. Is it because I’m black? ๐Ÿ™

Haha just kidding.(???)

Meoow I wish I were paid per blog visitor or something…

But anywayyy fun thoughts. ๐Ÿ˜€ My brain has a lot of fun thoughts as well meoow.

Like that the money from my savings account has been transferred to my debit account already and that I have my train tickets now yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ I can’t afford to spend the night there, unfortunately, so it will be a short day trip. I need to take my fatigue into consideration… So (ah unfortunately my meow ๐Ÿ™ ) I’ll be in Antwerp from about 11:15 until 14:45 this Friday…. I can take a (few) trains later home in case I find some affordable fun. But unfortunately not even a romantic dinner for one (I miss companionship even more though) when I’m there. I’ll be doing all of that in September though. ๐Ÿ™‚

Look at me take that little self-security leap of faith again the way I always do. Meow I love gambling with my life ahahahaha help it’s just boredom.

Ah meooow I’m going to finish my self-analysis for my therapist tomorrow, then head over there and after that I will be chilling like a wild Catje on fluff. What I’ll be doing…? We’ll find out together my meow it has been a long time ago that I considered D.O.C.I.S. International finished-ish and gave myself some space to breathe. Now I’ll just quit all deadlines and see wherever fate takes me because all of this web development and book writing and stuff has made me feel like I deserve some time to rest.

I absolutely hate that I haven’t earned a single coin with all of that soul tearing effort. ๐Ÿ™

Meoww I’m going to sleep. I’ll want to finish my analysis and will then have to drive for two hours there and back, so I really need this rest. See you later my meowww. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Right right right right? ๐Ÿ˜€ What do I need to do to cause this?)

Good night โ™ฅ

Updated 01:41 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Heys cute Catje of mineee ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥

How’s your day? ๐Ÿ™‚
I type that to show you that I’m very curious about the things you do and the things that are on your mind. It’s such a simple question that is most often answered with “Good” or “Great” or something. But I like using that question to get someone to unveil his/her personality. Unfortunately I can’t ask any further questions here – for the comment section is not used for that (yet?) – and my cookie settings aren’t that good yet that I can give you fully personalized questions. I can’t wait until I’m ProfFangs. ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ll be showing myself to you here, hoping that you will do the same to me when you get the chance.

The beginning chapter (after the introduction) of FangCatje is finished yayss. I sent it to my psychotherapist’s assistant right before I hopped in the car to Amsterdam, for my appointment with her. It was very comforting and much needed. To discuss my lifeline without any opposition. And I loved to hear their hypothesis! 😻 That my giftedness is the cause of my social isolation and feelings of depression. Yes that’s not something positive to hear about in general, but it makes me sooo happyyy because I’ve been hearing “psychotic person”, “schizophrenic”, “schizophrenic”, “schizophrenic” as a hypothesis for sooo long now. My giftedness is the main reason why I always feel lonely, so I’m so glad to finally hear a hypothesis in which I can actually recognize myself. Big yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

Some forehead brain vein is throbbing all of the time. Probably because I’m tired. So I’m going to catch some sleep and then print some things for tomorrow’s Antwerp yays.

Ah meow first I’m going to the supermarket to buy a salad meal because I’ll be dinner chilling with my sister because my parents are out for dinner meowww. And then I’ll pass outtt whoop whoop.

And then I’ll be back here to be your wild Catje yay yay yay. I hope to see you tomorrow wherever in Antwerp between 11:15 and 14:30 for some wild Fangyismness. ๐Ÿ˜€

Please don’t forget to subscribe to push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚
All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh and if you want to give me Life, please don’t hesitate. ๐Ÿ™‚
โ€œHi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!โ€œ

Updated 19:20 (07:20 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Looking Ahead [Wednesday, July 17, 2019]

Heys my Catje 😸 ♥

Let’s spend today looking ahead.

There are many different contexts and scopes in which this can be done. For example thinking of next month’s budget for business operations today, or today thinking of what your dinner will be tomorrow.

In what ways will you be looking ahead? I would love to exchange ideas. ๐Ÿ™‚

Is it stressful but good (especially when you’ve spent enough time thinking about it) to you as well?

I will be re-estimating my store development progress and process to something that won’t make me pass out every time I’ve worked on it and I’ll see how serious my Summer budget/budget to go to Antwerp will be today.

So right now I’ll be getting ready to visit the bank and then I’ll be back here when I’ve visited it. I’m expecting about โ‚ฌ150 left on that account but I’m hoping for something better. Some more financial breathing space… Oh please. *fingers crossed* ๐Ÿ™

See you later xxx

Updated 12:00 (PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Meow ๐Ÿ™ I’ll be good though I hope

Ah meow another Tantalus torment moment. ๐Ÿ™ But it might still be okay.

At the bank I was told that they don’t do analog bank transactions without a debit account anymore. So to get the money left on my account I had the options to either cancel my savings account there or open a debit account there as well. There are monthly costs for that new bank account, so I decided to cancel it. The money left on it (about โ‚ฌ120 ๐Ÿ™ ) will be on my account by Friday. A return ticket to Antwerp is about โ‚ฌ100 and I’d like to purchase my ticket like today instead of on the day itself…

So from having the idea I could go there and maybe purchase a bikini for this Summer while I’m there – because it feels like such a waste of time and new terrain to explore to just go there, finish my admission and come back right away – I went to, after seeing a bank statement on the door matte today, just hoping that I could deduct what is left on my account. Now not even that is possible. My ABN savings account will be suspended by July 19th and then it will be transferred to my ING account. If you’d like to make the amount transferred to my ING account more exciting then please do not hesitate. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope my parents would like to transfer that โ‚ฌ120 to me today – rather more so that I can pay my bills (my phone is โ‚ฌ56 this month meow et cetera) and buy some Summer essentials I mean since they want me to come along with them – so that I can buy my train ticket today.

This is a big motivation for me to work on the D.O.C.I.S. Store today. ๐Ÿ™‚ Meanwhile I also need to have the Dutch version of FangCatje finished for tomorrow, basically… Or at least some oversight so that my psychotherapist knows why I desperately need someone to level with, with some knowledge of the human body and the human mind.

But I want to guarantee my clients the continuous availability of the books I’d like them to read. It would be much better if there were D.O.C.I.S. editions of the public domain works I’d like to redistribute. Meoooow I need a printing press sooo much.

I really wonder what my university adventure will bring me… It would be cool if it will be an asset to my business endeavors. It could, however, also force me to tear everything down and become some 9 – 5 and then watching television all day person. Scared Catje… But I hope for the best. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope I could collaborate with Graeynissis instead of being their subordinate. ๐Ÿ™

Hehe meow my desk chair was a hell for my back so I swapped it with one of my father’s desk chairs from the top floor.

This is soo comfy meoww I could fall asleep on this. Plus it makes me feel like royalty a bit already yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

The Oversight in Thinking Ahead

You’re done thinking ahead when you can simulate the entire happening mentally, including every scenario in which it could go down, and are prepared to intercept anything that could happen within that scenario. (Which is done more thoroughly when you can discuss the scenarios with someone who has a mindset similar to yours.)

Thinking ahead is something I love to do. But, I see now, only when my income is great enough to cover unexpected costs. I’ve been hiding from thinking of other scenarios, lately. (The past 36 months or so…) Now I want to get back on track. I hope to make some further miles today!

Unfortunately my fatigue is acting up again, so I’ll take a short nap. After that I’ll work on FangCatje and the D.O.C.I.S. Store. (I need that income my meowww…) Where my Book Club will be the most important!

See you later xxx

Please don’t forget to subscribe to push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚
All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 16:39 (04:39 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions

I want to relax but I also want to see results day 108764919 [Tuesday, July 16, 2019]

My Catje 😻

Where are my Cuddles? ๐Ÿ™

Here I am again, talking us through this dilemma I’m facing, as time passes us by all these years.

As you know, the best thing that could happen to me is being given some responsibility regarding the future people management that stems from contemporary water management. Please. Please. Please… I know you’re reading thisssssss.

People always have something to complain about, but I’m sure that they’ll love you for saving The Fangs. Not because of who I am but because helping out someone else is a way of contributing to society and if you’d share your reasons for why you feel the need to help me while you do, we’ll have a solid case, we’ll start a revolution and we’ll finally have real friends or at least I will ahahahahahahaha.

Again I haven’t touched my laptop yesterday. I should work on things but I don’t want to. ๐Ÿ™

I’m going to sleep meoww ♥

Good night ♥

Updated 02:18 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]


Good afternoon ♥

How’s your day?

How are your thoughts through the day?

Your thoughts determine if your day was a good or bad one, right?

My thoughts go faster than my speaking pace and finding peace in it is not easy. Especially because there really is a lot to stress and think about.

Meow by means of being productive, I’ll really work on FangCatje today.

I’ve wanted to work on it more often, even mentioning that here, but I’ve only touched it the day I showed you the cover, the day before that and the day I used a blog post to draft, a few days ago.

Writing FangCatje is a lot less stressful than setting up a webshop with a low chance of being successful.

Plus I really need to get my views up for this month… 🤔


This concerns me…

Meoww I’ll be dragging myself out of bed, drag some breakfast into myself and get to still do something in an attempt to see results.

I wish we could exchange some thoughts, my meow…

Updated 13:23 (01:23 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]


My Catje ♥

I just showered, ate some cruesli with milk, then a slice of bread and some ginger flavored tea. If I don’t share it with you here then no one on this Earth will know.

There are some other things I’d like to share with you as well. Listing them here first before I start.

But first, please turn on your push notifications for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥
For some occasional fun distraction through the day.

All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

> My Admission for Antwerp
> A Successful D.O.C.I.S. International
> Entertaining Yays

My Admission for Antwerp

Meoww I mentioned going to Antwerp to complete my admission around September. But I can’t wait so long, my meoww. I want it so be official so bad. My (long-term unfortunately still) freedom ticket. I’d rather go this week or something. So I think I’ll empty out my “analog” savings account (an account that is not linked to a debit account blah blah before the internet ish blah so the government doesn’t know it exists) for a train ticket and then I might be able to go this Friday already. ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha don’t ask me how I’ll pay my tuition and cover my living expenses once I’m officially enrolled because I don’t know. That’s a headache for later. ๐Ÿ™‚
(Usually I like having a full oversight and being in control et cetera. The issue here is that the full tuition has to be paid by April and I want to move out from about October (rather September but then I don’t have study finance yet).)

A Successful D.O.C.I.S. International

You know the build-up towards my success story is right here. And that I’ll create a lot of opportunities.

It’s unfortunate that my records aren’t as clean. That disadvantage makes the path for me a lot harder and a lot longer. But the results will be better than if things were easy, because my success will cause a shift in the social system, from the opportunities I’ll create and the opportunities to engage in illegal activities that I’ll fight.

A moment of Silence

Imagine this:
You’re born into a very wealthy family. But this family gains its wealth from the illegal arms and cocaine industry.

You’re very smart and your relatives know. Since day 1, they have been telling you: “Once you’re old enough, you will become part of this and you will be one of the greatest.” (And then “old enough” means being the age they were when you were born. They’ll use it to measure and compare achievements in life.)

During your youth they use all kinds of scare tactics to make you keep your mouth shut. They are your teachers of life, so you think that what they’re doing is “normal”, though it doesn’t feel normal, and in your behavior, as you grow up, you show some of their traits. You’re so smart that around age 10 they already start asking your for life and business advice. Around age 12 you find out that what they are and have been doing (including the ways they have been treating you) is illegal.

You learn that you want to become a ballet dancer or a scientist or something, distancing yourself from that horrible illegal life that seems so rosy from the outside. But they want you to be their successor, to keep the family legacy et cetera “something to be proud of”, so they subtly do everything in their power to make you not achieve your dreams.

They play psychological games with you, making you feel inconfident about your talents, while deep down you know that you have them and you are so very passionate about them. They do everything to damage your reputation and make it harder for you to get there. Someone threw a banana peel on stage during your performance. And you only get a share of the family wealth if you engage in illegal activities with them and express yourself in a barbaric way similar to theirs. (Saying things like: “Why pay tax? Fuck the government. They only use it to fill their pockets anyway.”)

But you’re good. So even though they force you to become a demon like them, you don’t. You want to leave your family for good, but you can’t tell others why, because them running their mouths could get you into trouble. You can’t run because your family has eyes and ears everywhere. You can’t run because the system we live in forces family to stick together.

You will be freed soon, my meow. I do everything within my D.O.C.I.S. power to cause the shift that will make us free from worry.

A moment of silence for the people living in a situation like this. I know how you feel. ♥ And I promise you that you’ll be doing what you truly want to do.

I’m hiding in plain sight.

I’m going crazyyyy. Computer noise, no money, international viewers, no clothing, insects everywhere….

The one sounds more common than the other.

In a normal family it would have been my bedroom on the top floor.

There is so much stress on my brain. ๐Ÿ™

I have a rightful reason to need his level of attention for this. It could be affecting the entire balance between government policy, government finance and government intelligence systems. Plus I have quite some ideas for the reform of that you might be interested in. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meoow please I just want to have a place to rest and write research papers. ๐Ÿ™

Please let me do something good for the Netherlands before I vanish to Belgium forever. ๐Ÿ™ I still want to move to Caliii…

I can’t find any focus to work. ๐Ÿ™

Entertaining Yays

Though the bias of the person asking questions is quite nerve wrecking, I enjoyed watching the interview. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meooow I’m hungry and I should get to FangCatje, but my brain is shaking from the amount of pressure it’s under meow I need a neurologist help. ๐Ÿ™

Updated 18:13 (06:13 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]


Meowww I’m going to the bank tomorrow so that I can visit Antwerp on Friday. Having my admission finished will be such a relief. ๐Ÿ˜€ Unfortunately it will just be travelling to Belgium and coming back almost immediately after, because I’m low on cash. Unless there suddenly is some festive amount of money on my account somehow.

I’m excited now yays. For this ini-mini adventure trip. ๐Ÿ˜€

And it would be nice if FangCatje were finished before I visit my psychotherapist(‘s assistant) on Thursday, so I’ll – with full excitement – be working on that.

See you later today xxx

Updated 20:57 (08:57 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]


Yays I’m making quite some progress with FangCatje. I’ll have the Dutch version finished by tomorrow (just in time for my appointment)… So I could have it in stores by the weekend. Though I should keep finishing my book store and the D.O.C.I.S. International website in mind as well.

But we’ve worked more than enough for today my meoww I’ll be playing some late night piano by means of finding inner relaxation, then set an alarm for tomorrow and get some Headspace, then sleep and head to the bank tomorrow to go to Antwerp on Friday yayyy. ๐Ÿ˜€

Good night ♥

Updated 23:34 (11:34 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]


Featured image by Colin Schmitt from Pexels

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

New Starting Point Hi [Monday, July 15, 2019]

Hi. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

This is my new starting point. By that I mean that I’m trying to get my audience, my progress and our achievements in sync by recalibrating this website of mine, calling this post “Starting Point”.

In one of my “Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off” and “Het experiment” videos, I mention that some moments in my diary I’ve chosen to start explaining everything from scratch again, because it’s a lot of work catching up if you are a new visitor / don’t read my work.

Then my dilemma became “How am I going to explain that this is a starting point (or checkpoint)?” I’ve done it in many ways, but often wrapped in maybe too much creativity.

I think that this post is a much clearer starting point/checkpoint (depends on if you’ve seen the posts before this).

Hi, my name is Dominique, but (if I like you) please call me Fangs. ๐Ÿ™‚ is one of my domains on the web.ย  I use my domains to scream for help whenever life becomes too much. has over 500 blog posts and I’ve all written them myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

Today, though I feel like kicking back some more, I will be working on my bookstore and FangCatje.

I want my own private property. Can’t stand living on someone else’s private property. That’s why I decide to not rest and hope to make some book sales.

You’ll see me back here later – maybe because my fatigue is on some level. Please turn on push my notifications (by klicking on the bell on the bottom right of this view) so that you don’t have to refresh the page to see if I’ve returned all the time. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll be eating my cruesli as first meal of the day now (craving for more stomach filling things that are tasty). xxx

The last video of my experiment is here:

Updated 13:30 (01:30 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2ย 


I haven’t eaten yet. I can’t do this thing where I feel like choking someone to death but then I fake this “all is fine” thing because I hate verbal arguments especially because people can’t defend themselves these days. I really need to be all alone.

It’s, by the way, my day to cook for the family again today. Every Monday and Saturday, since I was sixteen. As usual I hate it and don’t look forward to it.

Somebody please help het Fang Catje. ๐Ÿ™
It’s too hard for me to explain why I need international military assistance to improve the environment.

Meanwhile my body feels so exhausted that I really need someone feeding me grapes and stuff. That’s the type of care I need.

And some help solving this problem I have with my family. I want to vanish permanently and they have to let me go. I don’t want to sleep another day here the amount of crawling insects and the noise of this fucking absurd amount of illegal computers is driving me crazy.

Plus please get me out of here before the sluice door which is also the access gate to this neighborhood for cyclists and pedestrians will close for an entire month!?! The place is going to flood, isn’t it? Please get me out of here please. 😢

Updated 16:08 (04:08 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2ย 


My dinner yays ๐Ÿ™‚

Dinner was nice. My salad consisted of lamb’s lettuce, tomatoes, feta cheese, prosciutto di parma and a dressing of yoghurt, mayonaise, garlic, ginger, thyme and a dash of five spices.

In the spaghetti I put unions, tomatoes, pumpkin, cod fish, garlic, baharat, saffron, lemon and honey. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meow I still haven’t kicked back enough to kick off. But I should finish my things. ๐Ÿ™

Meanwhile I’m really stressed about the risk of this country flooding when the sluice here is closed. And exactly when it closes I’ll be staying in Egmond aan Zee for two weeks, which is even closer to the coast…

I use a starting point to re-explain my situation, but in these past few years that has become such a long and complicated story. Part of it includes the state of my heart. My aortic insufficiency makes me get tired fast. Part of my experiment has made me more tired. Now I feel like the bed pet of bed pets. 😴

But when it comes to the risk of this country flooding please give me some intel because I knooooow taking care of this generation is enough of a headache so please let me think ahead with you. I’m already ready for it meoww. If I write a thesis about it it will be tripple yays for all of us. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meow my sister is making cupcakes, so I’m watching Spiderman with the family, hoping that I can get some. ๐Ÿ˜€
Though I think I should go to bed…

Updated 22:34 (10:34 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2ย 


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off: A Random Experiment [Saturday, July 13, 2019]

Let’s say you’re jogging, right 😏 , and during that relaxing cardio exercise across beautiful landscapes you want to test how fast you can sprint. To measure your velocity, you have to decide on your start point and end point before you start your experiment.

You can decide to, for example, mark one tree as your beginning point and another as your end point, knowing that the distance between those points is, for example, exactly 100 meters. Then your distance is fixed. A start and end point based on distance. Time is variable in this case. To measure your velocity, you’ll have to measure ( = variable ) the time you take to sprint 100 meters. [And, spoiler, in the other example method the distance is variable and then I make my point, telling you why this title et cetera. Kicking off…]

You can also decide to set a beginning and end time. This can be, for example, 00:00 and 03:34, sprinting to the Summer jam you’ve been listening to all Summer. Exactly one song (which is long for a sprint but again this is just an example). Then your time is fixed. But this can also be during your jogging.
You can also decide to set a random time for yourself, like 1 minute. On your activity tracking app/device/anything, you can, for example haha, be running for 42:33. Still you’ll have to know where you have started from, but your end point is variable. You will initiate your sprint from your randomly chosen starting point and then stop at 43:33 (or the end of your Summer jam) – and if you have a good activity tracker then that will do the rest.
If your activity tracker doesn’t do the magic, you’ll have to measure your steps walking back from your end point to your starting point. [I’m not a physic but I know this is correct and this is bloody original off the top Fangy text yay 😸 . Ask my Graeynissis who are able to see a vision of me in real-time in their minds all day every day.]

In that little jogging experiment, where there are set clear boundaries to measure your own competence. You smoothly transition from relaxation into focus and know when it happens.

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off

My body is aching, my mind is restless and my competence is all over the place. (Moving words like that come out of nowhere and I’m trying to transition you into it but even for that I need a beginning momentum spoiler alert.)

I think it would be easier to get my mission across (not point in this case because my mission consists of pointssssssssssss) if I would in my diary clearer indicate when I transition from relaxation into focus. I don’t think we’ve seen real relaxation in this diary yet ever even and I’ve been doing this for over 500 posts ahahahaha. It would also be better for my mind to use today to absolutely not pressure it with anything. Not even trying to explain anything anymore today (aside from the physics in the introduction and why this title). And this sentence:

So today I will be doing what is utmost relaxing to me (except cooking but gotta survive so meowwww) and tomorrow I will define what my starting point is, acting as if these 500+ posts were jogging and tomorrow I will define the starting point of my sprint.

My mind finds that relaxation is a reward that should be earned after having earned or completed something. But it has been quite some fucking time ago since I’ve earned or completed anything (like a course or show or something) – at least 8 months but finishing an open university course year doesn’t give me a qualification for anything in this world so it’s useless and doesn’t even really count which is why I say “at least” the next big thing is graduating from high school – so my mind hasn’t had a “hard work really pays of, glad to have received this figurative trophy, time to relax, celebrate and be proud of myself” moment for so long that it has been working so hard fiending for a new rush like that. That will be the scope after I’ve been kicking back, today. Kicking back to kick off kicking off.

Kicking back how?

Back is not “Back” because short words are not capitalized in a title, it’s not a noun and I like the word Kicking more than I like the word back.

I have some semi-revealing how I’ll kick back today tweets here and some other cool tweets starting from when I stopped blogging yesterday:

Click on the quoted tweet to see the pictures I posted not long before that, referred to in this tweet.

Sad but true but my mother is still my most irresistible Catje. I’m confused.


Oh pleaseeeee 😻 . Respect for everything I’m certainly not here to disrupt anything literally here just typing asking if saying [please don’t be shocked] DILF is normal? The same goes for Victishe and so on. ๐Ÿ™‚ Plus this ferocious “This is against the rules!” is soo Cuddle meoow be my Graeyniss pleaseeeยฟ 😻

They have been fucked up since Amsterdam in December but still I’m personally too broke for new earplugs. I’m too broke for anything but bills and occasional groceries my meow please help.

Please, give me Life.
โ€œHi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!โ€œ
And keep ad-free because ads are ugly as fuck.

That’s not necessarily part of the relaxation unless – big spoiler alert HAHA – you wanna spark some AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂 . And I’m not talking about fireworks because like you – and your pet – I hate fireworks tooooooo. ๐Ÿ˜€

Excitement yaysss

My only effort on this day of relaxation. Oh and another thing is that I reallyyy can’t cycle without music if there’s the sound of cars and shit conversation around me which is very often here in this area, so that will be headache meows but for the sake of minimizing that I’ll shut off noise cancellation on these half broken earplugs.

Ohne Frambois ik praat Catois noem me Benoรฎt. Ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 😏 #TheFangs

Haha I have. Again here I am giving Camillus unannounced credit. This week I’ve received two Whatsapp marriage proposals to gain Dutch citizenship. (Haha I wonder what Thierryay would say about this.) Both people who asked me to marry them are Nigerian. Camillus is also Nigerian. This is evidence that your country of origin doesn’t say anything about your nature. Yay (for colored people in my eyes but that’s because I’m colored (and only colored “as far as I know”) haha).

I’ll be making videos of me experimenting with this experiment and seeing if I’ll find some relaxation with my unsatisfied mind. My next updates will be videos because I’m tired of typing. My first video will be made after I’ve showered et cetera. Please stay tuned. 😹 ♥

Updated 11:34 (AM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Later meer ben nu in de stad. Dit film ik ook. Ook dat ik niet eens 20 euro kan pinnen man want ik ben KANKER BROKE MAN WAAROM NEGEERT IEDEREEN DAT. Mijn inkomen is โ‚ฌ0,niets is zeker. (lees: “nul komma niets…”)

Inmiddels weer onderweg naar huis. Het geheugen van mijn telefoon is vol zegt het dus ik kan niets meer filmen at the moment. Heb intussen buiten nog wel aardig wat minuten erbij gefilmd maar ik wil ook een beetje zuinig aan doen met mijn 4G.

Updated 17:24 (05:24 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

My Head 😩 [Friday, July 12, 2019]

Good afternoon โ™ฅ
Today’s weather makes me want to cuddle up in bed just like my headache does. Though my headache gets worse when I move, it’s thunderstorms and rain (and hail tooยฟ) coming and going since last night. And from the short time between the lightning flash and the sound of the thunder, it has been very close by. Less than 1 km from here.

I hope you’ve seen my drafting of yesterday evening. ๐Ÿ™‚ And that the refund of my grandmother’s investment in the Aegon Sprintplan is not at all guaranteed yet. My mother showed me the letter the collective that goes about it had sent. (And first investing in something and then when you lose everything saying that it has been a fake promise and ask for all of your money back…? People investing in fake promises still happens daily. They don’t get a refund either. It already sounded very controversial when I sent the letter she wanted me to write on her behalf.


Another reason why it’s much better to replace the current financial system with the Fangyist financial system! You’ll never lose any money because there only D.O.C.I.S. International invests. There’s no investing for individuals there at all! ๐Ÿ˜€ *throws confetti* You can financially gain by doing something that’s good according to Fangyist Law. ๐Ÿ™‚

Bed Petting Festival + A Fangy Stubborn Flashback

It’s the first day of the North Sea Jazz festival today. As usual my family will be attending. Except me this time. Though I’m not going to the edition in Rotterdam, I might go to the one in Curaรงao because it was included in my mother’s bribery for me to not have my sister be the only young person there. Both my plane tickets and festival tickets are paid for.

Ticket sales for the festival in Rotterdam started months ago. This was around the time where I tried to forever vanish from this country after a fight, starting in my journey in Wiesbaden and heading to Berlin for my birthday (November 1st my god my heart still hurts from this aawful treatment), but I ran out of money again. I empathically couldn’t block their phone numbers, so my mother who had been asking me to come home for quite some time then made an offer to get me a rental car to drive home. Back home, my father complained about how my vanishing has brought them unnecessary costs.

What the fuck. If he would have stopped insulting me for no reason, we wouldn’t have gotten into a fight and I wouldn’t have gone abroad to vanish and escape him. For we’re still house mates. If he wouldn’t insult me for no reason, I wouldn’t even have this anti-social blog. I actually like social interaction, but here it doesn’t show, because of my selectiveness and lack of opportunity.

From then I didn’t want them to pay for any of my things at all anymore. I’ll climb up the social ladder financially (haha get it ughhh), and I will do that all on my own (starting in Antwerp thus…). So when he offered to buy me a three-day ticket to the North Sea Jazz Festival, I said “No thank you.”

Another reason why I’d rather not attend is because I’d rather stand in front of a crowd or in a secluded section of a crowd than in the middle of it. (My father can choose but he prefers cheaper.) I’m sick and tired of people asking my attention for their boring stories and asking my number and my intimacy without asking me if I even have the slightest interest in that.

And it’s the most awful thing where people can easily walk past me in a crowd, but they still decide to touch, hurt or even grab me. It’s fucking disgusting. Especially now that my blog has grown so much, I don’t want to be a familiar face who still is no one for standing in that big crowd like just another number.

Plus hearing the conversations that go on in that crowd disgust me. Most people don’t understand shit about music, yet still they have an opinion about it. If I’d turn my knowledge about music into a project I’d really be proud of, I wouldn’t have any tolerance for the judgment of someone who doesn’t understand it, but still gets his/her arrogance from “I pay for your music.”

I would have loved to see Josรฉ James and The Internet today, and discover new music or learn the name and face to more popular music by other artists. But I only want to attend any music event if I either can afford the ticket myself and be in a secluded area, or because I’ve organized the event myself and I’ll be performing there somewhere in between other performances.


I have no idea what my day will be like. Aside from being home all day and my dinner being paid for (something I couldn’t accept in the beginning). I’ll be drafting some with pen and paper and drink a lot of water. Mweh another day or non-challenging boredom.

For real challenging, I need someone else. But someone else who’s at least just as intelligent as I am. And someone who dares to give me some real responsibility. Fuck what people will say about me not being educated enough for whatever. Nonsense.

Oh last night during the thunderstorm, after seeing this tweet

I thought of the following statement: “A gifted person never genuinely enjoys spending time with someone who is not gifted.”

What do you think of this? I think it’s very true.

I feel that the ungifted even know this fact. [If you knew how far too often I’ve heard “You think I’m dumb, don’t you?” “You think I’m untalented, don’t you?” and only replied with “Oh noo you’re very smart and talented,” because I don’t like being hurtful (without anyone backing me up) oh my goddd. 😩 It would be such a relief to say “YES! YES! YES!” but then why would I ever spend time with that person again get it. It’s irrefutable relationship damage answering “Yes,” to a question like that.] So they claim us and make sure we’ll never meet because they know we’ll enjoy spending time with each other so much that we’ll never see them again.

I grind my teeth spending time with someone who doesn’t reason on my level. This must be one of the reasons why I feel so much stress from tactically staying polite all the time. Another Tantalus torment.

But my Book Club will be amazing. 😻

Meoww “breakfast” time.

How do you find my method for making my diary more real-time?

Updated 14:23 (02:23 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


I absolutely love that my push notifications are working now! 😻

Catje 😻

It feels very comforting to know that my updates go straight to your screen now. ๐Ÿ˜€ Even when I update a post that has already been uploaded, you’ll know! ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve been checking out PM Rutte his press conference earlier. (Thought of making that a notification as well but it was on too short notice my meoww I was still making my first meal of the day.)

Summarization of tweets:

I watched the conference in couch cat mode. &#x!F60F; 😸

I don’t really have public meows. Behind the scenes there are annoying people accessing me. I kind of worry about moving to Antwerp all by myself when it comes to that.

He was asked something about measures against drug use on the many festivals in this country and if he will be attending any festivals in this country this Summer. I won’t, by the way. Not one.

Something about Turkey buying Russian weapons or the other way around or something, because the country wanted to buy Western (I’m referring to euphemized democracies when I say “Western”) weapons but was prohibited from doing that and when when it purchased non-Western weapons Western countries started to say shit but then they just shouldn’t have been prohibiting the purchase in the beginning. Helaas pindakaas.

He curved those journalists very well. I can better relate to the philosophy of the right, but still think he’s doing well in his philosophy of making changes. Honestly I don’t see most people in power having any other better successor but I and I will elaborate on this in a few.

The entire conference was basically him being asked the prospects of things that still need to be discussed before there’s anything to announce. And then he gets the reply: “So you have nothing to say about this?” to basically every answer. And then in the comment section everyone calls him a liar. And that has been happening at least all year round…

He said something about that there has been good progress made this year, but that some want even more change and some prefer less, so that the change was mild. I strive towards a legal revolution my meowww.

An awful truth. Powerless Fangs. ๐Ÿ™ [Not that literally all regular citizens should get more power ahaha nahhh they’re influenced far too easily.]

He was asked something about the presidential system and he said that he dreams of a system like that in the Netherlands. Ahahaha imagine him with a dreamy comic cloud next to him in which he’s thinking of him being the president in a presidential system ahahahahaha it’s a cool sight. We should make a video sketch of that ahahah. (I have soo many ideas for things like that my meoww. With many educative messages.)

What do you think of The Fangs being a Fangs with absolute power?

Meoww press conferences are one of the few challenging types of content that are entertaining to me. For me they don’t happen often enough. 😸 But the Summer still has a lot to offer. Especially because all formalities are having their holidays. ๐Ÿ˜€ Free terrain for me yaysss.

My head is still achy. Especially after a typing session like this one. So again I’m going to take a little break from typing and screen gazing now. Also I’m home alone and my sushi just got delivered so some dinner yays I’ll share with you later. Before I go, there is one more image I want to share with you. Last night I decided to sleep in my parents’ bed because they were sleeping on the couch, watching Stranger Things with good audio. I’ve noticed it before, but was now gazing at this book in my mother’s book case, thinking of “If I wouldn’t have silenced them, all of this wouldn’t have happened and this book wouldn’t have been bought.”

It really sucks to be “the gifted schizophrenic child”

Beause I’m not a fucking schizophrenic oh my goddd. 😩 And if everything in that book were really true and results from statistical sampling can be considered facts then everyone might as well be a schizophrenic. Such nonsense.

I’ll be eating these dinner yays meoww but know that erwtensoep, Kartoffelsuppe, grietbana bravoe or any other type of gaining strength soup is very welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 20:27 (08:27 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


My dinner yays. Not an ad but just yay because I feel overheated from lack of oxygen and now I have this fan thingy with which I can create an oxygen illusion, calming down my brain a bit.

I’m eating soy beans now, as I’m writing this:

another mirror pic

A pre-dinner Fangs spotted. Took this right after my previous update.

In the background of the picture you can see where I’ve installed myself. My laptop is on my mother’s side of the bed. And the room where the daylight comes from, is my bedroom. That’s how close I sleep to my parents. I really appreciate that they have been doing their midnight binge-watching followed by falling asleep with the TV on downstairs lately, because any sound or light can be an annoying stimulus to me, keeping me awake at night.

I genuinely think that my parents would do better with the general public than I would, because they, in contrast to me – especially my father – love(s) watching Netflix and other popular things. (One of the reasons – another Tantalus torment moment – my friends were very jealous of me having the parents that I have and expressed that very frequently. I don’t want people to be jealous of me man please.)

~Transition sentence.~ (Hahahahaha 😹 )

The Last Summer

Have you heard the new Summer jam that was released today?

I’m under the impression that I’m not the only one who sees the patterns in everything that has been happening in the eras this world has known. It has been the cause of the routine we live. Currently, it says: “Relax. Don’t bother yourself with all of that work. Take some time off. “Have some fun.” You deserve it.” Summer is here so the world “spins” differently. Like the Winter (but moreยฟ), it’s a period of very high consumption and pollution.

Some people can enjoy the Summer season and some people can’t. Some people can’t take a minute all-year-round because of their occupation. Some people have a busier work schedule than usual during that season. (Think of artists performing at Summer festivals, people working in tourism, people working in travel insurance (Victishe 😻 ) and so on.)

I vote for a more fair enjoyment of time for all. In a realistic sense, what do you really want to be doing?

I want to see a shift. In this society, maintaining a bad relationship is considered more normal than exploring and finding yourself. We should cause an international Volta: only surround yourself with the people you will never fight with. We make pairs that will probably be based on vision, intelligence and characteristic nature. We should redivide and redistribute the land in the world over these pairs and will live peacefully in that way. This is something that has to be pushed trough now that the current Graeynissis are still the ruling Graeynissis.

Because my and younger generations know even less about real life than the current people averagely aged 30-50 do now. People only know ghost stories about business and political diplomacy. We should make this shift (way) before you have to give your power to someone else, because they really won’t know what to do but fill their pockets. People don’t learn to have vision in school.

Do you not like the words of your own leader? Go be leaders with your friends somewhere on a piece of land that is not under the authority of your leader. Do you not like this Summer hit? Cool. Planet Fang’s music is an export product you most certainly do not have to buy. Make your own music. (And I would really love to make a Summer jam that doesn’t make me sad.) There will be completely new partnerships. ๐Ÿ˜€

Please I really don’t want to see another commercialized Summer routine where people act like peacocks showing themselves from their best sides just for admiration. Be the real valuable you. Let’s make a change, please, and let this be the last “Summer” in the commercialized way we know it now.

I would love to be more elaborate on this but I still feel terrible. (But less terrible than when this day started so yay.) And I’ve been multitasking.

He used this word referring to America before he became president.

Planet Fang ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m off to spending time in the darkness now. In a noiseless house because my parents are still enjoying the festival. I’ve seen some videos of it already. ๐Ÿ™‚

Good night ♥

Updated 23:57 (11:57 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


The featured image is made by Juan Pablo Arenas.

Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Sick Catje 😔 [Thursday, July 11, 2019]

10:53 (AM)ย 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I hope you’re feeling better than I do. Physically, I feel worse than yesterday. My pains are more serious. Mentally, I have a lot more on my mind than yesterday.

The topics alternately occupying my mind are:

  • Will people become part of my book club? I really hope so because I have such cool ideas for it and it would be the perfect side job! And I need to exceed the costs of having the store because otherwise it will be a headache instead of an asset. I hope I’ll be in good health in time, because I’ve set the deadline of it in 9 days.
  • Will the share my grandmother will give me be enough to have some financial breathing space? Once I get my study financing, my budget for rent will be about โ‚ฌ450 for a studio apartment [ ๐Ÿ™ ]. If my grandmother gives me an amount that leaves me enough to pay for my course books after I’ve paid all of my bills and debts, I – aside from living in a busy area where I don’t know anyone – won’t have anything to worry about. I wonder when she’ll receive it… To save costs, it’s much better for me to start renting from September 1st (when my parents are on a holiday together and my sister’s school resumes and then I’ll be movingยฟ x_x ) instead of October 1st.
  • I really hope that I can make the concept of my book club attractive enough for the intelligent (and experienced) Graeynissis I’ll need in the future. Plus I hope they’ll donate to me and give me even more breathing space…
  • Honestly I still really hope to receive a Fangs-specialized study program where I’m encouraged to write papers about multiple fields of science in which any Graeyniss is dealing with an issue my vision could be an asset to. Getting my bachelor’s at age 26 is so old that I hope I can speed up the process by being allowed to do this… I’ve used my former years to set out this concept for a revolution and hope it will come in handy. Especially for “alpha sciences”. For “beta sciences” I really need teaching but for alpha’s honestly I really don’t. (It’s just being able to reproduce the things that are considerd facts, discovered by big names (from the West)…) The book club could be a great asset to this. Meowww I don’t want to reveal too much about the concept yet though…

Meow it’s fluid breakfast timeee. I’ll see you later because by means of being productive I’ll draft the texts for the store and FangCatje here. โ™ฅ


16:21 (04:21 PM)ย 

My meowsss โ™ฅ

I feel the continuous sound of my fan, the crampedness of my bedroom and general Dutch air quality fuel the headache of my fever. I’ve always found it annoying, but because my brain is in more pain than usual now, everything is more disturbing than usual now.

Everything except my curiosity for this:

I need any type of shift in the overrated social media hype myself. I’ll be on it. 😸 (&Nooo indeeed no one should ever call any president “meow”. No one but me. 😸 )

Request for “Life” 😂

Ahaha in my “things I do when I grab my phone” routine of checking my web stats and checking the balance of my main bank account, I randomly decided to click on the “request” button, next to the by young me awfully frequently clicked “transfer” button.

I randomly typed in the maximum amount of โ‚ฌ1000. The follow up question was: “What is the โ‚ฌ1000 for?” And I typed “Life”. 😂

Now I have a random payment request you can adjust and transfer if you’re at a Dutch bank.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

I’m certain that if enough people engage in this, I’ll never feel sick again. 😸 (Or at least I could have a say in how I’ll be treated, in contrast to what you have to endure if you, like me, have the cheapest health care subscription package. When I get study financing I’ll already “expand” my subscription…)

Haha meow I made the request jokingly, but I honestly hope anyone would give me some Life. I’ll give you something in return for it for sure. ๐Ÿ™‚ And if enough people do it then maybe future Book Club meetings could be in/next to my future house, on the estate called Planet Fang. 😻 A compound in Belgium would be nice, as well as in other countries. ๐Ÿ˜€

My body is acting up again. I’m going to still my hunger and then take a nap. After that I’m just going to start drafting – something that has more impact on my brain because that is really mijn hersenen kraken. I’ll keep pushing the D.O.C.I.S. until it unfolds.

I’ll see you (here) tonight xxx


19:52 (07:52 PM)ย 

Before I start, I would like to log some interesting Twitter activity here.

It’s part of my revolution yayss. Know that online identities have no meaning. Only real life identities do.

[More untranslated Dutch coming up in my drafting meow for the sake of minimizing pressure on my brain… 😣 ]

I need some fellow Fangyists… My development is stagnating. ๐Ÿ™

The help I need is so yusu (as in seriusu) meow I’m a minority in the minority of minorities in a country where discrimination is an everyday thing I’ve seen far too frequently.

“Against fraud and corruption” would have made sense. But “against the economy” ahahahaha help this is the level of the average Dutch person &#x1F602 . (No joke only about 6% of Dutch people has finished the highest type of secondary education like me. [It’s LWOO -> VMBO-B -> VMBO-K -> VMBO-T -> HAVO -> VWO -> VWO+ -> Gymnasium (which in this case has nothing to do with exercise ughhh)])

For the sake of doing something useful, I’m now going to draft some book and website texts. Reminder-to-self that I need to change the logo of the D.O.C.I.S. Store to something without an image and make a separate logo for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club. I really love this book club so much already my meoww. I hope you’re willing to pay the contribution I need for your set of books and gifts every quarter, plus renting a book club meeting venue.

I’m starting with FangCatje though, because that had to have been finished (haha trippy tenses) already… I think I’ll publish it under “Dominique Daniรซlle Elia” instead of “Lil Fangs”.

FangCatje Draft

Het leven voelt voor mij van jongs af aan (“al”) als de Tantaluskwelling. Absoluut niet omdat mijn gedrag vergelijkbaar is met wat voor Tantalus de aanleiding voor zijn straf was. Integendeel: mijn hart kan zijn soort immorele daden (zoals zijn zoon aan de goden voeren om te kijken of het wel echte goden zijn) niet verdragen.

Toch ervaar ik een soortgelijk lijden. In zijn straf zijn al zijn behoeften en lusten een kwelling. (De Tantaluskwelling is een Griekse mythe.) Bijvoorbeeld dat hij in een poel met water moest staan, maar dat het water naar beneden golfde wanneer hij eruit probeerde te drinken, waardoor hij leed aan dorst.

Een voorbeeld hiervan, in mijn context, is dat er toen ik 6 was eindelijk een officiรซle verklaring was voor mijn “anders zijn” en waarom ik me zo ontzettend verveelde op school. Namelijk mijn hoogbegaafdheid. Maar in plaats van het enthousiasme (van leraren) dat ik hoopte te zien en de uitdagingen die ik hoopte te krijgen, werd ik nog meer als (nu niet alleen meer zwart maar ook nog eens veeleisend) vuil gezien en behandeld, en uit men zijn/haar jaloezie over mijn officieel bevestigde intelligentie (en ontwikkelende fysieke schoonheid) op de meest hartverscheurende manieren.

Toen ik, bijvoorbeeld, aan mijn juf vroeg of ik een nieuw boekje mocht, omdat ik het boekje met “uitdagende” taal- en rekenopdrachten voor de hele week dezelfde dag al had uitgewerkt, zei ze: “Ga eerst maar alles inkleuren.” Op iedere pagina stond wel een afbeelding. Ik had juist meer cognitieve uitdaging nodig, in plaats van meer kleutervermaak.

“Waarom ik?” is iets wat ik altijd al heb gedacht. (Misschien omdat echt niemand anders het kan doen…? Ik wou (met de nadruk op verleden tijd, nu ik ouder ben en weet hoe de wereld in elkaar zit) dat we allemaal hoogbegaafd zijn.)

Een ander voorbeeld van mijn Tantaluskwelling is het nieuws dat ik letterlijk net kreeg. Het leek even alsof ik het leven niet meer als een kwelling zal ervaren. Gisteren hoorde ik van mijn moeder dat mijn oma bericht had gekregen, dat ze 85% van haar inleg in het Aegon Sprintplan zal terugkrijgen en dat ik, omdat ik haar ongeveer een jaar geleden had geholpen met het maken van die claim, een aandeel daarvan zou krijgen. Al sinds mijn 17de zit ik financieel aan de grond, dus het voelde alsof het licht aan het eind van de tunnel eindelijk in zicht was.

Maar daarnet kwam ze naar me toe om te vertellen dat degene die voor mijn oma de brief had geรฏnterpreteerd, dit verkeerd heeft gedaan. Het was niet eens een brief van Aegon maar een brief van het collectief dat de zaak aanvecht. Dat als je als lid een aanvulling op je gegevens opstuurt, je 85% terug kan krijgen in plaats van 80%. Het is nu nog steeds absoluut niet zeker of ze ooit haar geld terug zal krijgen. Die brief die ik voor haar naar Aegon had gestuurd is al meer dan een jaar oud en er zit nog steeds absoluut geen vaart in de zaak.

Het leek even alsof ik “zorgenloos” op kamers kon gaan (wat ik eigenlijk niet eens wil, want ik heb liever leefruimte), ik kon beginnen met kleine schulden afbetalen en zelfs zou kunnen beginnen met het opbouwen van een spaarpotje. Maar ik ben weer terug bij af.

Mijn online dagboek op staat verder vol met Tantaluskwellingsmomenten die vaak onverwachts komen en ik in real-time (“rond het tijdstip dat het in het werkelijk leven gebeurt”) deel, hopend dat ik de Volta waarin mijn kwelling voorbij is ook in real-time zal delen.

Toen ik in de nacht van 27 mei op 28 mei in het crisiscentrum werd opgenomen,

The D.O.C.I.S. Store Draft

I’m going to stop drafting for now, my meow. It’s almost past twelve. And the text above here was the greatest spoiler ever because – aside from typos and/or grammar mistakes I might have missed out on but will correct when I re-type it for the definitive version – I’m going to use exactly that text.

During dinner, there was some (biased) documentary about the Middle-East on. I was familiar with his last name and that (by false media caused) association with political turbulence. But in the documentary they referred to him by his first name. After I saw him give a speech next to Tony Blair [also handsome], I asked: “Who is this (Catje)?” 😻 Bashar Al Assad. Then a debate about how colored western media are, how almost every Arabic leader is seen as a tyrant who wishes to destroy everything and everyone because of this, how the differences between [excusez moi I only know it in Dutch-ish and am too tired to translate it now] Sjiieten, Soennieten, Alevieten and other movements within the Islam cause enough local turbulence already for having to explain that to the West on top of all of the other chaos, how I think he really might not have assassinated an influential in Lebanon, America’s reasons for international involvement, et cetera unfolded for a decent while. I was very alone in my view again. But now I’m even more interested in a D.O.C.I.S. Compound – where you can be yourself – in Syria. 😻 I’m seriously interested in having tea with him. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just when I wanted to continue drafting after dinner, my mother told me that my grandmother was misinformed about the refund of her investment in the Aegon Sprintplan. ๐Ÿ™ Now it’s certain that that won’t give me financial breathing space.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

Good night ♥


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions

Lil Tension [Wednesday, July 3, 2019]

11:29 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

Cold Feet

Meoow the tension I feel now is intense ๐Ÿ™ . The decline of stress I spoke of is, I realize now, that after the Summer this is all over and I can finally start to get happy (though the road to professorship is fuuuucking long and costly…). But in the meantime there are at least three months for me here where I’ll still have to endure these lowkey tense social situations and be without money.

I woke up with the thought: The prospect of having my studies in Belgium as my occupation is amazing, but meanwhile I’ll have to survive this Summer full of family events.

The reason why I’m going to Curaรงao, for example, is because my mother, a few weeks ago, begged me to come along because otherwise my sister has to travel back to the Netherlands alone and she’ll have no one to chill with. But she can get along better with the rest of the family than with me.

Ever since that fight where she said that I’m not worthy of her attention, I have been trying to stay away from her as much as I can. How can one make such a disgusting statement.

But she’s my sister and I still care about her. The only reason why I said “yes” to going to Curaรงao is because I feel the need to care for my sister and I can’t say “no” to my mother’s pout lip. Fucking annoying.

Ever since that fight, which we haven’t even really discussed afterwards, we exchange words even less than when the schizophrenia bullshit started and she, too, betrayed me by saying that “I need to get better”. I was never even sick.

We barely talk to each other. All I can think of talking about with her is our youth, our family and our future, but my god I will have even less patience to hear her defend “The people she loves,” another time. How the fuck are we going to survive a flight of more than 9 hours together?

I don’t want to go anymore ๐Ÿ™ . I’m going for her and the last extensive exchange of words we’ve had is the one where she said that she’s taking my parents’ side and I am not worthy of her attention. What the fuck man that wound can never heal. I want to discuss this but I don’t see this not ending up in another fight.

[The same goes for that Jam situation where he said: “I don’t want to become a second Benoรฎt Crutzen,” do you have any fucking idea what the fuck you are even talking about? (& Do you really think that that is even possible?)]

I don’t want to go anymore, but my plane ticket has no cancellation insurance. It’s like slowly drowning in quicksand. Can’t we transition my ticket to a ticket for one of her friends or something?

If you’re old enough to consciously insult me multiple times, you’re old enough to travel by plane by yourself for sure.

Then there’s this weekend’s ugh. I really need at least a +1 – a new face, who doesn’t know any of the attendants – for this but I don’t have any fucking friends x_x. I don’t want to endure that surprise party meow please help me. 😢

Will you throw a goodbye party when you move to Antwerp?
No. 😢

Will you come back to the Netherlands to celebrate your 23rd birthday?
No. 😢

Will you come back for Christmas?
No. 😢

I really want to move on.

Graeynissis please give me a fun Summer project to make mathematics and the concept of (non-business-making-profit-related) research sexy and popular and save my from all of this social tension ๐Ÿ™ .


13:26 (01:26 PM)


I wish I didn’t have to endure this figurative feeling of slowly drowning in quicksand while I can’t do anything about it. My relatives are the one with money and I thus currently need them to survive. Of course, when I’m ProfFangs I won’t need them anymore. Even when I’m WorkingTowardsBachelorFangsWithEnoughMoneyForDownPayment Fangs, I can provide for myself. But currently I’m the puppet of my father who doesn’t want to share his wealth with me the way he should. He’s turning 50 tomorrow. I don’t have money for a gift.

I just obey their wishes because I don’t want to endure another all-versus-one when they know that I’m trying to escape them. It’s very important that there will be no escalations these Summer, because I don’t want to end up in a fucking crisis center or worse again. But meow I want these people out of my life. We only spend time together because we have the same blood, not because we have anything else in common. They’re not intelligent enough for me.

You can all take an example from Catje Camillus who just posted a comment on this post.
Unfortunately I don’t even have money to travel myself. If anyone could offer more direct support like calling the police (but they’re crooked so mweh it might not be effective) or the FIOD, taking me in as their house Catje, financially supporting my business/my studies, that would be great. As great as posting a comment on the post I’m currently writing!!! ♥

Meoww when I think of all of those family events and how broke I am and stuff, I feel my heart beat increase like crazy and palpitations ๐Ÿ™ . (Pretty interesting that my thoughts influence my heart rate.)

I am powerless against my family. They consciously don’t share their wealth with me the way they should, (supporting me in building up my independent living,) because they want me to take care of them when they retire, but that’s not going to happen. They’ve been my largest burden all my life. To receive my support later, you have to support me now and all I’ve received are sneak opposition tactics.

I want out, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . I want to find people I can be myself with, who are like me. People who find me making up Fangs (BasketFangs, ProfFangs, Planet Fang, …) funny, like I do. And so on… Catjes like that are hard to find ๐Ÿ™ .

It would be really cool if a Graeyniss blog reader Catje of mine would come to Saturday’s ugh surprise party, because then we can be anti-social wild Catjes and I will wrap my entire body around your arm and hide my face in your clothing all the time. 😂

Haha and then everyone at the party gets arrested and people be throwing knives at me so we have to be evacuated by a helicopter haha seriously helppp. 😂


15:36 (03:36 PM)

Further Questions

Has your goal in life changed again? You said you want to make it without a degree and now you’re already calling yourself ProfFangs.
My goals have never changed. I just want mass scale influence. First I wanted to do that through economic policy, then via PR, then as a publisher and now all in one as the mathematics professor who owns D.O.C.I.S. International. Master of a subject that touches on every subject, like Fangyism. It will be Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs, in actuality – expecting a little bow when you pronounce it – and I hope to make the brand big enough to have every university in the world on board for this revolution.
Just admit that you need these F-cup cuddlepillows by your side, my Graeyniss… I’d love to share my vision on gender in the academic field with you, by the way. It’s a nuance.


22:10 (10:10 PM)

Scusami meanwhile I chilled some with my aunt and went back home later to cook for my family and watched some television by means of trying to understand people better or something. Now I think I should follow a more elaborate course for that ahahaha.

I have more questions yay.

Further Further Questions

Will you unsubscribe your business from the Dutch chamber of commerce and quit your business activities when you go to Antwerp?
No. I still want to make my business thrive further and hope to earn my student side-income from D.O.C.I.S. Store sales. Especially because I’ve still received more financial support from the Dutch government than from my father, it seems fair to stay registered there. And when my business becomes bigger than Shell in the Netherlands, I want to be able to push my business ideals through through the government muhahahahaaaaaaaa. 😈
When I signed up for the university, I checked the box “I will combine my studies with my work.”

How will the D.O.C.I.S. Store compete with other businesses?
It’s a niche. I don’t want to compete with other businesses on scale, because I’ll be packaging and shipping every order by hand myself. It’s my intention to stand out by giving you the outmost personal shopping experience. The book(s) you purchase will be put in a special box with special gifts selected and non-digitally personalized based on your profile ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Making books a luxury product ๐Ÿ™‚ . ) I intend to price it in such a way that it won’t sell the way Ali Express does. It’s a Graeyniss store my meowsss.

What is on your current list of tasks for reform?

– Make list of books to sell in D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Set up D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Take down the Fangs store(s)
– Finish D.O.C.I.S. International website (including highlighted books from the D.O.C.I.S. Store and highlighted articles on front page)
– Finish WordPress theme and logos for The Fangs [I really hope that I’ll find some Graeynissis who would like to write for The Fangs 😻 ]

I hope to have this all done before the school year starts. Tomorrow my task is – aside from purchasing large hair elastics – to make a day-to-day schedule for the Summer, setting up D.O.C.I.S. International in such a way that I don’t have to do time consuming things for it when I’m studying.

Moet jij niet bij de ANWB zitten?
Mijn portemonnee zegt van wel. Mijn 😻 zegt ook van wel. Maar ik wil geen TBS voor stalking en ook geen gevangenisstraf voor doodsdreiging wanneer ik – in vergelijking met vorige zomer – mijn geduld verlies tegen die 🤢 klanten daaro. Plus voor mijn gevoel is er in de tussentijd teveel gebeurd om daar mijn gezicht nog te laten zien ofzo. (Ik zei in dat ene tyfusgesprek wel “Je boodschap is duidelijk,” maar weet nou nog steeds niet of ze wilde zeggen dat ik nooit meer welkom ben bij dat bedrijf.)

Nog steeds zie ik in de toekomst wel een ProfFangs en Victishe samen [mijn hart alsjeblieft ahahaauwww ik mis je haha echt random 😩 ]. Dat Catje is sowieso mijn lowkey rolmodel omdat zijn educatie geschiedenis voor mij heel hoopgevend klinkt. En hij is zo mooi aah helpp 😻 .

Ik heb het gevoel dat ik moet doorgeven dat ik er deze zomer niet bij zal zijn ofzo, omdat ik nog steeds wel mijn naam op die zomerlijstlijst had gezet en iemand daar โ‚ฌ500 mee heeft verdiend. Maar ik kan gewoon niet meer communiceren met het niveau onder mijn niveau en dit Victishe skipt mij zo hard oh mijn god 😢 .

Gezien mijn statistieken van vorig jaar en het relatief grote aantal mensen van vorig jaar die dit jaar niet weer gaan, vraag ik me af of ze het benauwd zullen krijgen zonder mij. Op mijn beste dag heb ik 75 dossiers in 1 dag behandeld. Ik vraag me af hoe druk het dit jaar word…
Natuurlijk wil ik alles voor mijn Victishe doen, maar er is echt een grens. 😂
Al het werk dat ik daar kan doen ligt echt te ver onder mijn niveau. Het is ook mijn intentie om net zo lang door te leren dat ik nooit meer een proletariรซr zal zien. To seal the deal ahahaha. Maar ik hoop dat ik als ProfFangs (op de een of andere manier) nog wel wat voor Victishe zal kunnen betekenen ♥ .

Will you inform the university about your situation?
No, I find it hard to do that, because it’s a very sensitive topic and I don’t know what response I can expect. So I’ll just go there and act as regular student-ish as possible. Though a dysfunctional family has a lot of impact on someone’s learning focus (and drive).

What is more important to you: your career or your family?
My career. If that’s stable my survival is guaranteed much better. Schizophrenia and a crisis center, both for no reason, man. I’d like a very time-consuming occupation.

Do you think you should be offered a special program at the university and if yes, why?
I actually do think so. Because of my level of intelligence (it’s actually all too easy for me, and because it’s easy I’m less motivated to spend a lot of time on it, while I should because otherwise I can’t memorize that easy shiz for a test) and because I’m The Fangs with the largest online diary ever, containing an alternative scientific perspective. It would be nice if I could still learn from more than one field – what I described in that motivation letter – and get my degrees on a quicker pace. Pleaaaaseeee just let me read and write papers! 😢
I, honestly, still don’t want “the student experience”. But I’m very glad that the schedule mostly consists of lectures and no small group classes! ๐Ÿ˜€

Ahaha by the way, my father found out that there will be a surprise party because he saw a group chat on his friend’s (my “uncle”) phone. Not even via my blog, while even Canva knew. Haha my life. 😂 Please come party with me… ๐Ÿ™

I’m off to bed, my meows.

Good night ♥


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Conscious [Tuesday, July 2, 2019]

12:31 (PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

My morning was great. After waking up, I flipped myself over back to sleep a few times. I love a bed in which I can roll around like a sea star. 😻 My aunt’s bed is of a size like that.

I woke up less stressed than I woke up yesterday and yesterday I woke up less stressed than the day before. Finally, a permanent decline is in sight. Once I have my own apartment in Antwerp, I know I will feel more safe than ever.

pizza and tea

And my breakfast is great ๐Ÿ™‚


“Those people are much more conscious than you,” is what my father said in the same discussion where he said that I shouldn’t study (abroad). This took place before we went to that surprise party I did keep a secret. He replied that when I said that I believe that consciousness is based on levels of intelligence, and that the empty routines of people living the same routine every single week should seize to exist, because resources are wasted but there is nothing added to the societal quality of life. (Those sentimental “My life is shit but it’s great,” things really have to stop. It’s fucking torture x_x.) To me, a life has meaning if its deeds can take it to a history book. That is what I strive towards. [My conscience was insulted once again.]

No one is more conscious than I am. Look at my conscience. Look at what I have been telling you. [This is all still a conscious stratagem. (Do you notice the reiteration of that statement?)]

By selecting a university just across the Dutch border, I hope that you see a physical confirmation of my verbal message. The decisions I make rarely seem logical to someone else, but I know they are the best decisions I can make. Every single time. From playing hints in a police interrogation to not studying at a top-ranked university: it will get me where I want to be. [I will get the acknowledgement of my intelligence and receive the right to spend time with my fellow deeds-so-great-it-is-history-in-the-making Graeynissis.]

It is important that I do not accept any physical and monetary gifts from my parents anymore. That will make it a lot easier for me to say goodbye forever. I already have a student debt of almost โ‚ฌ14,000 for no reason. If I’d have conscious and genuinely supportive parents, I wouldn’t have to lend taxpayer money from the government. But since these parents love to see me bleed, it is important that they watch how I drag my bleeding self right across the border and they can’t do anything about it. (Oh except try to get me imprisoned for what I’ve been writing but then their problem is that this writing is my defense at the same time.) I’m so done of being emotionally torn down by these narcissists (that group is far larger than my parents only) and I wish Summer was over already. Plus – very important – I do not want my future to be funded with sourly spent fraud money.

Life is already not an every-week-is-exactly-the-same experience for many, but once I get my power – using mathematics and data – nothing will be the same at all, in a generally positive sense.

I’m the pawn of pawns, my pawn.

I’ll elaborate further on this, my yays et cetera, in a set of questions and answers, after my shower. Tot later xxxxx


15:00 (03:00 PM)


The question will be posed in this “full negative bias but acting innocent” way that is often used in mass media.

Why go to Belgium and study in Dutch if you speak English in almost all of your works?
Belgium is where the beating heart of the European Union lies, so it’s a great place to start off my career. I wouldn’t mind living in a deserted cottage somewhere in the Ardennen for a while.
Studying in Dutch is a lot easier for me, because it’s my native language and I have been taught the basics of mathematics in Dutch. It’s also a good way to not forget my native language. I use English more often than Dutch, because the only place where I elaborately express myself has been here on and I see that it is influencing my Dutch syntax.
I hope to, in the future, and in my future works – including more mathematics yay ๐Ÿ˜€ – publish in more than one language more often.
Plus sexy Belgian accents 😻 .

Scusami I’m going to go to the store for a sec. At home already, all of my panties have disappeared and now I really need new onessss.


19:42 (07:42 PM)

I’m backkk. I proposed to cook for my aunt and I, because there’s this combination of flavors that has been on my mind for a while and I really wanted to try it out. It became of the best meals I’ve ever prepared 😻 .

brown rice [made yellow by koenjit, sereh, santen, some salt and a lime leaf], cod fish [first grilled and then cooked in a sauce of creme fraรฎche, baharat, saffron, lime and honey] and some spinach also cooked in baharat and honey. I can’t stop eating 😻 .

Anywayy back to these questions. I’m sitting on my aunt’s balcony writing this now ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Why are you going back to college if you’ve been saying that you hate to study?
Because I’ve noticed that without a degree I can’t get what I want. People still think that I’m dumb… I find making tests a slow and ineffective way to learn for practice, but it’s what everyone does and experience has now taught me that there is no other way to gain information and receive acknowledgement for knowing it and having that capacity to learn. I still want to earn big money (making sure that I’ll never have to request support of family ever again) and I guess I should just work towards that in a more traditional way.

Why are you saying that you are going to move to Antwerp if you’ve literally said: “Ik zie mezelf niet “Welkom in mijn kot” zeggen”?
“Kot” is a (Flemish or at least southern Dutch) word for student house or house for non-lifetime settlement. I saw the word for the first time on the website of the university. To me, it sounded like “krot”, which means ugly house. But I’ve been checking out what koten are available in and near Antwerp, and they’re not bad at all. Much and much cheaper than in the Netherlands, also. If I wait about two months into the curriculum [fucking long still but it’s the only way ehh 😩 ], so until around November, I have enough for the down payment and fi-nal-ly move out and move on.

What will you do with your degree in mathematics?
Study forever, until I’m ProfFangs and I can be the go-to private Catje of all these Graeynissis and teach, as well as tell people cool stuff about the revolutionary things I’m adding to the subject of mathematics, introducing Fangyism ๐Ÿ˜€ .
I really want to do things with big data, self-constructed algorithms, finance and revolutionizing the routine of life on a large scale. ProfFangs ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Why not Delft?
Because then I’ll have no incentive to move out and I’ll have to wait until September 2020. And I really want to start my international experience of life as soon as possible, leaving my “home country” that sees me as a foreign alien anyway.

Why would I trust your words?
If you’re in doubt and you prefer to not trust me, don’t bother to try to trust my words. I just want my truth to be out there for those who do trust me, so that they won’t be left in the dark once they pick my side. In the future, I’ll have my own land, but space is limited (I want it to be the country with the greatest amount of living space per citizen), so it won’t be available to the entire world population, and thus I will have to select who I allow in. There will be no room for snakes there, so really: if you don’t trust me then keep on not trusting me. (Grrrrrr……)

To me, it seems like the internet has two types of people: people accusing and people defending themselves. The people accusing are often empty shells who have nothing to offer, so they want to be known as a sort of “resistance participant”. Know that the group of people accusing are always far greater than those who defend.

The people defending themselves often have big plans for the world, but evil propagandists keep putting dirt on their names. Real change – which requires knowledge of the system to understand, but not everyone is capable of learning so you know that big cleanup process of overpopulation will be inevitable at some point yes I wish it were different too – is being prohibited by those who put dirt on their names but never go in to what the defendants actually stand for. It’s all just a bombardment of gossip these people have to endure, indirectly deciding what their topics are. Examples of people in a situation like this are president Trump and Thierry Baudet. (And things would have been a lot different for me if I weren’t falsely reported missing for no fucking reason, by people who don’t want me to leave them, while that is my wish for a better life for myself.) It’s always all-versus-one and those who are impartial are still pushed to say that they’re left-wing/on the fake resistance side – a position I’ve been in for a very long time – because what right-wing in the Western world is, is still so unclear for many. And that is fuelled by that fake resistance. Real resistance, in this awful system no one actually likes, is having a real unique voice and fighting against the system that figuratively chains us to live a life we don’t want to live.

Meoww my cousin came by and we’ve been chilling all night so tomorrow I’ll continue this. But I’ll be blogging for a less large part of the day because I still need to finish FangCatje and my other D.O.C.I.S. websites (+ app + album + I want to already start with reading in for physics because I want to be the best my meowww). This won’t happen in a day, but blogging less will be more efficient. I won’t vanish on you though ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll re-strategize my approach on these things here tomorrow as well.

It’s already past twelve 🙈

Good night ♥


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No Release Twice in a Row [Sunday, June 30, 2019]

09:59 (AM)ย 

Good morning โ™ฅ

Hopefully the title of this post rings a bell. The circumstances under which I’ve been releasing and attempting to release are still the greatest knockdown argument of any potential I have.

Of course, by “circumstances” I don’t mean that I’m living in a situation that is physically unbearable, like in many other parts of the world. I am so lucky and blessed to have been born in the Netherlands and have the wealthy parents I have and am grateful for that blah blah. I hope I can mean something to the people who can’t try to make themselves heard like me.

Settling for Much Lessย 

You know the way every successful type of entertainment is stylized and propagandized. You can see that it’s made by professionals and is financially well-supported. It’s an investment that, with enough hype, will earn itself back. I have the creativity but not the assets to create something like that.

I’ve been settling for less for a very long time – publishing things unprofessionally, not portraying my full vision in what I publish because I’m funding this really all by myself – because I was hoping that people would look further than its shell and appreciate it for its unique meaning and content. But without it being stylized in the “this is something big” format, most people do not want to look further than its shell. They assume that its content will be as scanty as the way it’s stylized, not knowing that most of the things I’ve been doing and living through have never occurred in human history before. Just because I’m trying to survive, I’ve been settling for less, but it’s not working for me.

I don’t even like e-books. I want to sell hardcovers. Unfortunately, without any financial support, I can’t purchase those to have in stock. Without the “professional entertainment” costly styling, marketing et cetera, people are not pleased enough to buy it.

Still, to try to make myself heard, I’ve been trying to sell some e-books. Hoping that with the revenue thereof I can invest in my hardcovers. But every time, the investment I put into publishing an e-book is far greater than what I receive in return. And it’s not even what I would publish if I wouldn’t have to worry about the costs. (Don’t forget that my father hates this and therefore does not financially supports my business. I invest everything I have into this business every time.) That is why I am again deciding not to publish: I shouldn’t invest more than I’ll earn back again, to try to get my message across in a parsimonious way that doesn’t even suit what I actually want to be doing.

Ughh I feel so frustrated, because this is all for nothing. That same survival instinct that is making me publish using all of my private funds, is nudging me that all of those who are just figurativelyย  sitting on a pile of money or spending it recklessly are all better off dead. It’s just my survival instinct. Currently, I have no (financial) future, so I’m pulling out all the stops.

To quit school and try to make my start-up thrive is what I considered ~the~ way to earn some big money. My (IQ 127+) father doesn’t have a degree either and he earns over โ‚ฌ10K a month.

But because what I want to be doing includes spreading new information and people think that if you don’t have a degree that you’re not even capable of processing information, I see I’ll have to bite the fuck down and try to survive three years of university. IS SOO FUCKING EASY THAT I HATE IT. It’s simplified even more than high school was. I was so shocked the first time I experienced this.

Antonym of “Model Student”

All my life, I had been convincing myself that at the university I’ll find the challenge I need. But the classes are even smaller than they are in high school. Just let me be ๐Ÿ™ .

Isn’t it surprising to you that I’ve failed every block at a residential university with mandatory classes and tutoring et cetera, but that I was scoring straight A’sย  at The Open University, where I’ve never followed a single class?

The problem is not that the course material is difficult to understand. On the contrary. I understand the structure of the material without having studied it already. The problem is that when the test comes around, it gets time for me to memorize all information for recitation, and that process makes me feel like a slave. I hate to do it and always postpone it until the very last moment. So when it comes to that, it was much better that at The Open University, I had full responsibility of when and how I prepared. In comparison to a residential university, where everything is pre-chewed so often that I don’t even want to get to it anymore.

What happened to universities where you just get a big stack of books and some lectures and that’s it? That’s the challenge I need. Let me conduct some serious research in my first year already. You will never hear me say that anything is too hard. I dare you to try to make me say that!!!

Doctor Catje told me that if you have an IQ that is far above average, you’ll get different opportunities in life. With my 133+ IQ, I’ve been trying to use my alternative self-publishing concept to create that opportunity. I wouldn’t know in what other way to find those opportunities. It takes way too long for it to find me; that’s for certain. It’s a great challenge for my patience.

It’s hard to stand out between model students who score straight A’s, while simultaneously I’m very critical of the system. Another something demotivating. Never in my life have I studied when someone told me to study. (Still I’ve completed the highest level of high school education in the Netherlands.) So to compete with those who have neatly been making their homework when they were told to, is not easy. My brain refuses to conform, but it has great potential, still.

Plus a completely noise-free, distraction-free, people-free (even color-free (an all-white space)) study environment would be a very great improvement of my results. (The same would go for my 132+ IQ having sister.)

I somehow really need to get my set of degrees et cetera, without being pampered with tutoring et cetera. Otherwise I already know that it’s not going to work out. And my student debt then just becomes higher and higher, without me having what I need in return.

It’s quite awful that the best thing I can do to save myself, which is studying anywhere abroad, is something I don’t even want to be doing. Of course I want to learn new things. I dare you to teach me something I don’t know yet ughhh it’s annoying to be lectured something I already know about. I want my intelligence to be acknowledged before I become a number in the huge flock of sheep again ๐Ÿ™ . And that people then already know that I can answer post-doctoral questions, please ๐Ÿ™ .

Meoww I’m going to eat some. xxx


14:40 (02:40 PM)ย ย 

It took quite some time before I was able to get up – for reality keeps me want to stay curled up in my bed – but here’s my first meal of the day:


Left-overs and an iced chai latte

I’m going to take a lil shower now and then continue to work on the self-analysis I’ll share with my psychotherapist. As promised, you’ll still get to see the content, but in exchange for effort because otherwise I feel like I’m working my brains to destruction for no reason: I’ll be sharing it throughout my coming diary posts. My diary posts are my crib sheet.


16:16 (04:16 PM)

Current Strategic Dilemma

Meoww I still really want to publish FangCatje. I really want people to know my side of the story. So much that I wouldn’t mind publishing it for free. But simultaneously, I really need money ASAP.

Without financial independence, I can’t get myself to the seclusion I wish for. I’m so very tired of adapting and dumbing myself down all the time. Not that I don’t want to adapt at all anymore: I’d rather do my adapting in professional video broadcast format. And I still need a house and a car and a legacy et cetera. The way towards it is unnecessarily long and frustrating.

I assume that my psychotherapist and his assistant want to read something short and overseeable from me, so I’m just going to continue to work that out. I was thinking of making it in table format, but not everyone finds it easy to read a table. So detailed list format, then… It will just be FangCatje and FangCatje won’t be that long.

Tomorrow my online book reseller subscription starts… I can then finally sell hardcovers. I wish that included hardcovers of my own… ๐Ÿ™

Tomorrow I’ll also sign up for Antwerp (not Leuven, though that is better ranked, because I’ll be travelling back and forth by train in the beginning and Antwerp is easier to reach) and tomorrow I’ll have a meeting with the psychiatrist who I haven’t seen in almost a year now, at the institution doctor Catje could free me from if I succeed in proving myself well enough for him to agree with me and not with my parents…

Three ends meet in one day yays. But busy yays ๐Ÿ™ .

Maybe if I’ll release FangCatje for free that someone would finally like to send a donation to my bank account that is on my business website’s contact page, and leave a sweet message along with that donation… (The cool independent-from-the-government plans I have for this fully privately owned business my meow… ๐Ÿ˜€ )

Twitter marketing unfortunately did not make my count of non-anonymous visitors rise, by the way ๐Ÿ™ . I really wonder what anonymous internet users are hiding… I don’t browse anonymously. (Though the wifi is tweaked because some house members here do have a lot to hide. My IP location is always tripping.) But my internet behavior can be followed neatly and I don’t mind if you know everything I do ๐Ÿ™‚ . As long as you keep talking about it to me, because otherwise I don’t understand why I’m being watched all the time…

Meowww I’ll be writing xxx

[Seriously though: will there be a day when you tell me the secrets you have about me? Because me half knowing it but still not being cuddled by you is a very lonely experience of life, and you walking around with it, talking about it with anyone but me, is not healthy. People will tell you what they think I think will think, but you really should NOT listen to that. Talk to me ๐Ÿ™ . (Great need + ” ๐Ÿ™ ” = severe need making me want to curl up in bed all day )]


23:50 (11:50 PM)


I’ve been writing a little. More time I spent thinking: “I prefer more comfortable seating, because my back feels a little messed up. And I feel short on outside air…” So I ended up writing in the garden.

A sweet anonymous individual asked me when FangCatje will be released, and I told him/her: I will release it before July 11th for sure, but unfortunately can’t tell you exactly when. (I have another psychotherapy appointment then and want to have it finished before that.)

Not much later, I played some basketball. It has been a while since I exercised last.

It was my intention to upload the full video here already, but every time I try to download it, this shows:

download error

“The video is still being processed and can be downloaded later”

So I’ll try again tomorrow because I’ve been trying for a while now ๐Ÿ™‚ .

My aunt called me some time ago. To ask me if I have time to babysit her grandchild tomorrow. Her timing couldn’t have been better ๐Ÿ™‚ . I can now leave tomorrow’s session early and have more proof that I’m competent, chilling at my aunt’s is very chill and I’ll get to spend some time with my little cousin ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Normally tomorrow is my cooking day here, but I’ve now traded days with my mother so that I can sleep over at my aunt’s place ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m taking my laptop and everything along to there, so that I can work on FangCatje while I’m there. Wednesday will now be my cooking day, so I think I’ll stay there until then ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Yays ๐Ÿ˜€ . I might have my own master bedroom there again. 😱 😻

Awesome yays. 😎 I look forward to tomorrow!

I hope to see you back here again ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Good night ♥


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Craving Comfort [Sunday, June 23, 2019]

Good evening ♥

I hope you’re having a nice weekend. Especially because I’m enjoying mine less than I want to. (And when it comes to my mind working overtime always, I don’t experience “weekend”.) On the one hand, I don’t want you to feel how I feel, because the feeling is awful. But on the other hand, if you feel the same, I am not alone in this feeling and our embrace will feel sooo goood 😙 . That’s the reason why this diary is public. It’s my only escape from here. If you anticipate on what I tell you, life will become better for the both of us. The life that suits me is nothing like what I’m currently experiencing. The same goes for you.

But if you want to read something uplifting, don’t read this… If you’re depressed as fuck, like me, you’ll find much recognizable things here.


I ended up still testing out my new workout shoes, yesterday.

I really appreciate the basketball court/soccer field right behind my house, when it comes to that. And my new shoes feel great for all sports purposes, and run much more comfortable than my old basketball shoes. I can’t show you how I run or anything, though, because I’m always by myself. (Plus, I wouldn’t know if I’d ask someone to film for me, if that person prefers me to look bad or to look good. I hate to be disappointed… (You really don’t want to end up on my “Who to kill” list.))

[Never being proud of myself is another symptom of my scapegoatness. It’s hearable in that video. And everything else I do basically. I need Cishes meow ๐Ÿ™ .]
Doing so many things I used to do with other people, now by myself for over two years, makes me feel a strange form of grief along with everything I do. [Because I’ve been feeling grief for so long already, mourning does not add much to that anymore. A little less, every day.] Not because I miss the people I used to spend time with. On the contrary. I’m alive for over 22 years and have still never found a person who really is like me, with whom I can spend time. I need someone who feels the same about life as I do. Because I’ve been a scapegoat all my life, genuine mutual judgment is one of my most serious needs.

Craving Comfort

The comfort I seek is not satisfied by just anyone’s attention. I feel people want attention from me, so that they can tell other people how their interaction with me was. More often negatively. Though this is not that obvious, I’m a familiar face, after all. It’s why I tend to avoid most people. Also one of the many reasons why I don’t pick up the phone.

Ahaha and look who is a contact in my phone 😢 #LonelyCatje

And especially after that anonymous call [I really doubt if that was real HR], I detest phone conversations. My trust issues deservedly become worse every day.

I must say that receiving attention from me is a privilege. And currently, the wrong people are getting that. Think of all of these lonely Graeynissis who have the weight of the world on their shoulders, who I could be helping out ๐Ÿ™ . I could give you a second youth, my meowww.

Meanwhile the way I am open about how I feel about sex and relationships is mistaken for me wanting sex from people who are not an asset to my life? I want to become entitled to say what may and may not happen on every piece of land in this world (sort of by any means possible, but I don’t want new traumas).


I was taken over by that feeling of wanting to destroy everything again (something that has to happen anyway man these fucking old shitty buildings will collapse anyway), after I blocked someone after he unblocked me to again tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. Leave my heart alone, you sexy tall trapped in cultural prison cute individual 😢 . I hadn’t had a conversation that made me feel so good (before we blocked each other), in such a long time 😢 . Also sucks that it was online.

When I’m hurt like that, I want to scream in the loudest way possible. So I took it to Twitter, in my native language:

“The internet is playing games with my heart 😢 . As if real life hasn’t been doing that enough 😢 .”

“Most of you can go to hell.” Referring to those who hurt me because it is their demonic personality. Slightly insulting me and then making me crave their approval. If they die, I won’t need their approval anymore ๐Ÿ™‚ .

“Who can’t go to hell? I don’t know? Who hasn’t hurt me? Currently, it’s more “Who can I still forgive?”

“At some point the individual and collective measure are full.” I’m so done with all of you playing games with my heart. Just be open to me. I hate being treated like a fucking alien to aliens. ALIEN TO ALIENS. ALIENSSSSS. ACKNOWLEDGE MEEEEEEE.

“Every time I say “save me”, I mean that I should be deported from the house I live in. These are far from normal living circumstances, I have tachycardia and an aortic insufficiency, I am an unplanned child raised by old children ( = my parents), I’m a destroying-the-system-a-holic.”

“The “greatness” of my identity on the web and my identity in real life, unmatch so severely. Preferably, I wouldn’t even show you my surroundings, because I am so ashamed of them.” Look at my featured image meowwww.

This could have been us but you playin’ meowww. This image is made by Roberto Nickson.

Et cetera. Please follow me on Twitter, by clicking here and then clicking “follow”, my Graeyniss ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Example Sentences

I find entertainment in improving my English. And I love reading example sentences and acting as if it is someone who knows me so very well, comforting me. Now, via a Twitter friend [@cam14uche], I’ve found a good vocabulary builder.

I love making example sentences myself, too. Here are some. Some are from my response to his vocabulary builder tweet, some I made on the spot. I’d love to do this for an online dictionary. (Or my online dictionary? ๐Ÿ˜€ Let’s all fuse ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

His ANECDOTAL way of lecturing was very intriguing.

Any PECCADILLO should be addressed, to make sure that no one is stuck with an unnecessary sense of guilt.

They asked for her passport to ADDUCE her identity.

Many members of the organization practiced CHICANERY to increase the sales of their bad quality products.

Innocent GUILE was used to surprise you with a much more enjoyable fate.

If the Netherlands flood, that means that all property on its soil will be DEBASED.

Years of continuous scapegoating has turned her into an insecure NAYSAYER.

The Nosce Te Ipsum survey is used to EXTRAPOLATE The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning.

We are PROFUSE in the way we share our content.

Her SCRUTINY makes her only see room for improvement in everything and makes her enjoy life less.

Those who pretend to do everything by the book speak of themselves as honest and REPROBATE creative minds who want to show an alternative perspective in an alternative way.

The FOOLHARDY decision making of many, can seriously damage our environment.

The HAPLESS will become fortunate.

ASPERITY has become the current standard in society.

My projects will SATIATE every single one of your needs.

Though we were born miles apart, we are CONSANGUINEOUS.

Intelligence is CONGENITAL.

To lie about someone else is so very JEJUNE.

Acrobatic dancing and fireworks sealed the GNARLY performance.

The Nieuwe Maas BIFURCATES into the Hollandse IJssel, the Lek and the Noord.

Natural brain-to-brain communication is a PRODIGIOUS event.

The crowd acting demonic towards is us an ANOMALY.

Those who disrespect The Fangs will be DEFENESTRATED.

Those who PLAGIARIZE should be punished more severely.

The NEXUS between why he has a Nexus One and drives a Lexus, are linked to his orientation.

There will be a save haven for those who are positively ATYPICAL.

The Dutch Golden Age is considered a HALCYON for some.

I was pleased by his PERSPICACIOUS notions.

To unveil the hidden nexus between our economic, legal and political system, we will make a FORAY.

I was NONPLUSSED when Victishe started a conversation with me. [And then I spent too much time overthinking my response and behaved inappropriately ๐Ÿ™ . I want Cishes sooo badly fain gladly 😻 .]

4 minutes until publishing moment lol.

I reached Canada last night :D. I reallyyyyy wonder howwww???

& today’s before 9 yays

Good month. Though I wish to see all-red… And then organize a party ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I’ll be back here tomorrow at 9 PM Amsterdam time. And I’m tired of faking post view ay.

Ciao ♥

Images, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Awesome Turbulence [Saturday, June 22, 2019]

Good evening ♥

If you’re a frequent visitor, you must notice a much needed difference: the front page now has full posts on it, instead of excerpts. I considered my posts too long to be shown in full on the front page. But the excerpts of 40 words were just the first 40 words of my posts. I think full posts on the front page make it more attractive to read what I write here daily.

My content is quite radical, so it feels like a big step having everything visible on the front page. But I love the thrill of that already 😻 .

Today’s content is written differently than the last few days, because of that. I’m back to writing posts, instead of statuses, but will unveil another layer of what I’m hiding. The layered personality that I am.

Trippy Nightmare

I fell into a very deep sleep after laking last night. The nightmare I had in it has taught me some interesting lessons. I would love to share it with you, which is why I made a note about it on my phone right after waking up from it, which is what you are reading now. The very short story has reminded me how I should look at the relationships I have with the people in my circle. (That I am still telling myself to hold on to too much, here.)

I was at a cosy Dutch bar with my ex, during daytime. Everything was going all right until I locked eyes with the man who was standing behind the bar.
Usually, my ex wasn’t really the type of person who expressed the jealousy he felt, but this time, he said: “Don’t look at him.”
“It’s just looking? I don’t mind when you look at other people either.”
“I love you and I don’t want you looking at other guys.”
This led to a discussion that made me break up with him on the spot, raising my voice at him. I left the bar.

The scene changed to this combination of a ’60’s style Dutch neighborhood in combination with a desert. I was visiting Wytze there (someone around whom I always sensed serious sexual tension (but considered myself too old, in his case), and who I, like many other people, haven’t seen in a very long time). We were walking around “his neighborhood” and he told me that his family was having trouble with their family business. I gave him some advice and realized that I had missed him so much (my body sensed that I feel the same in real life (not that they had a family business when we were hanging out frequently)).

All of a sudden, the all-sand dunes we were walking through became very steep. I tumbled down, rolling over my sides very fast. The surface became steeper and steeper. I lost Wytze out of sight.

At some point I was falling down straight so much faster than I should, as if I had a weight stuck to me. The sand surface became red flames and I thought that I was going to die.
I saw the face of the handsome man who was standing behind the bar, in front of the flames as a background. My surroundings changed to that of a smoothie bar.

I ordered a huge smoothie from him (he used two gigantic mixers to make it 😂 ). We started talking, there, and were having a romantic conversation very soon already. At some point I got behind the bar and kissed him and we declared our love for each other.

In the smoothie bar, we prepared dinner for my family. It was such a random dish 😂 . In my dream, it was a “traditional” recipe, but in reality I have never seen it before.
We were cutting this crazy large amount of vegetables that looked like something in between red coal and a radish, colored deep purple, skinned and grated potatoes and more effort. Then boiled everything with the skin and stem all together, drained it and put cocktail umbrellas in it, to then spend hours separating that what isn’t edible from that what’s edible, putting everything in “stew pan” shaped bags. There were a big bag and a small bag of edible dinner, and five bags of non-edible residu, including the cocktail umbrellas.

We met my family outside, in Kralingse Veer, very close to the spot where my ex (in real life) started to attack a man who was walking his dog. On a bicycle path near a restaurant. It’s close to the Sikh temple there. I introduced them to my new boyfriend and noticed the collective feelings of hate against the both of us, underneath their faรงade.

I got in an unnecessary fight with my sister, when she opened verbal fire on me out of nowhere, saying: “First of all, you purposely offended Kris by not waiting until he had arrived.” I became so fucking angry from the amount of bullshit in the accusation itself already.
When I was done screaming back and forth with her, my mother came with her unnecessarily sentimental parental expressions, saying: “You are making your sister feel very bad, with your words. You’re making the entire family feel bad.” We were still standing there. Outside, in Kralingse Veer.
And then, before “my father” could add even more shit to that, I said: “YOU KNOW WHAT? DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL YOU FUCKING DUMB INSANE (…)”, handed them the bags of “edible” food and left, to never return.

I woke up still feeling so much anger, realizing that most of the anger I feel about past events is still cropped up. I wonder if I have screamed in my sleep, because I woke up with my lungs feeling all emptied out.


Ah meoww I love that I can now add text to this post during the day and be more certain that you’ll see it, because this goes straight to the home page.

I was at the gym, earlier today:

There’s something I need to vent so bad. He says he hates my blog and never looks on it (my mother also said that she never reads it, but still she called phsysician because of what I wrote in Highlights).

So I assume that I can tell you this in confidence…

Scapegoat me was tasked with making surprise party invitations. I postponed it for quite a while, thinking of how to go about this. I couldn’t think of any sentimental words for on it – especially because I don’t even want to party. And I thought of using an old picture, but simultaneously placing an old picture on it feels mourning card-ish. But while doing my hair, two days ago…

Being short on extensions at some point

So wearing my hair like that to go to the hair shop next day

I decided to look for a JPEG/PNG template for it. That’s how I ended up at Canva and created this:

That address on there is also my company address and that you already know, so yay don’t have to hide that

Sending it to my mother for approval. Then made it this:


So if he doesn’t lie to me about never visiting my blog, I can just share this on here and he won’t know. If he does visit it, and if my mother does visit it, too, they are browsing anonymously. Beetje jammer dat.

Anyway, I feel like I have played my part. I don’t even want to attend. But I have no money (especially not after buying much needed new shoes today), so where on earth can I go?
I’ve been searching some things about dysfunctional families the other day. On Wikihow I read that bringing a +1 to family events can make it endurable. I would so love that (Victishe 😻 haha). I had a hard time at my sister’s birthday already. But this is even more serious. I have no tolerance for insulting jokes and answering the question “What do you do for a living now?” at least 20 times. I really need someone to be there with me (and back me up in case I can’t hold the peace anymore and open verbal fire). But the person I bring along has to be someone I can level with, of a certain status, for the most comfortable result… I am, after all, the one who always says that she is working towards greatness, but still lives at her parents’ house, so they then tell me that what I want to do is impossible and the world will forever stay a shit place. I don’t want to endure that again Lord please save meeeeeeee.

Most of the “family” attending the party is not even family, so you’re, if you ask me, so very welcome. Honestly, if I had money, I would have organized plenty of events for us already. To me, YOU are family, if you feel what I write. It would be satisfying to me to Project X the place, but we do need to behave and be present at 4:30 PM, to have the surprise moment at 5 PM and be very quiet about it � .

My birthdays the past two years were traumatic, so I really don’t want to be partying with that crowd again. With the fake smiles and repetitiously telling me that it is important that I put my family first. My family is screwing me over, so I want to distance myself from them. I encourage the youth to do the same. I have no money, but there will be a private chef with a green egg (barbecue) present at the “surprise barbecue”. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a mental institution, all by myself (for most of it). I received cards with no money in it (that is serious fam).

I want outttttt.

Killing time

I hope my B would like to be one of the first to help me into the right direction for Project Nosce Te Ipsum and all the greatness that will follow from that success. He is my only reachable contact – without HR staff harassing me – who is intelligent, Graeyniss and of a certain status. All I can do is wait for his response… So I’m killing time, trying to keep myself entertained, finding an enjoyable reason to go outside as often as I can. Until my greatness is acknowledged… 🙊 That – and my slight weight gain ๐Ÿ™ – was the reason why I went to the gym today. I went to the city center after going to the gym:

Part of me wants to shoot some hoops… Part of me wants to go to sleep… #Fangyism

Not long after I came home, my parents came home as well and brought along takeout dinner:

I really need to chill with hungry tall people, because I need to eat more frequently. Instead of huge portions infrequently. I think that is much better for my weight 😏 . Now I attempt to feed myself by being creative with whatever I find:

Legs need waxing x_x. But broke x_x.

Positive Yays

I feel a lot better now that I’m making new friends and meeting such lovely people ♥ . I’ve been so lonely these past two years ๐Ÿ™ . Even though life hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me for years, and it is still not optimal, I finally see that things are starting to play out my in my way.

I hope this can be sealed by making June a better month than May.

Thank you for reading his ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope to see you here again, tomorrow. And I hope that you won’t visit this website incognito (anymore)… Please don’t hide from me ♥ .

Tot morgen ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

The featured image is made by Sebastiaan Stam

Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Propagandist Euphoria

Good evening โ™ฅ

What are your entertainment needs? I hope I have found a way to satisfy them ๐Ÿ˜€ . The positive propaganda I’m working on is giving me the most intense sensation of Propagandist Euphoria I’ve ever felt 😻 .

Lil Epiphany

Last night, I mentioned that I would like to publish new books and essays. The truth is that I want to release material that shows alternative perspectives on life alternatively, and to gain enthusiasm for a new way to govern life: the Fangyist system.

Before I fell asleep last night, I thought of this:

Instead of publishing completely new books and essays – still built around the same mission – it would be much more effective to put the screenplay I wrote for Nosce Te Ipsum into practice. By spreading the message via a professional collection of videos, the goal of D.O.C.I.S. International is much easier to understand. And it’s much easier to be enthusiastic about as well, if I manage to create the best documentary, mini-series and movie you will ever have seen ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ve gained a lot more Propagandist experience since I started to write it, so I’m going to make some changes to the actual content of the screenplay. I started to write it when I was put under psychiatric surveillance, back in 2017, because a successful screenplay could be my vindication. Now I find showing unique perspectives on life and altering the system more important than clearing my name. You’re free to judge me in any way you want to. The construction of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is, however, about the same as it was when I started to create the concept:

Project Nosce Te Ipsum schematic overview

Sharing the general construction with you is part of the plan, because it will make it much easier to understand the end result. [Click to enlarge it.]

More Details about the General Overview

Project Nosce Te Ipsum consists of the following core elements:

  • A Research Project
    “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, about similarities and differences in the perception of creation (in the context of life philosophy), society (about types of government and group behavior), the self and love.
  • A Book Series
    Called Nosce Te Ipsum I. The first book of that series “Creation” (consisting of The Unpublished Episodes, The U.S.H.R., D.O.C.I.S. and The Hypothesis) is already published, but wasn’t much of a hit. Part of the docuseries is about searching ways to make the book series more appreciated. After all, it is about the survey that is in the science fiction story, needed to find The U.S.H.R.. The second, third and fourth book are titled Society, The Self and Love.
  • A Screenplay
    The screenplay consists of three components:
    1. The Docuseries
      This is the informative part of the project. I intend to show how the world works in the way that is not shown in education books, about the deep-state and beyond. I hope to be able to meet many influential people within the system in person for this, and hope that they will share their perspective on life with me. By learning how the world really works, I could also find out how transitioning to the Fangyist system is possible, and under what criteria it could become generally accepted.
    2. The Cinematic Survey
      Nosce Te Ipsum I its fill-in-the-gap science fiction story in movie format is “The Cinematic Survey”. Episodes that pause sometimes, then a question shows and your answer determines the story progress. “Creation” includes an introduction of this, which could be released during the early episodes of the docuseries, giving everyone an impression of how the research project works (since I need votes to continue writing the story [@ The Hypothesis]).
    3. The Movie Conclusion
      After the entire Universal Standard of Human Reasoning has been surveyed in The Cinematic Survey, the algorithm determines how the Nosce Te Ipsum fill-in-the-gap story ends. That means that everyone who participates in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, by participating in the research project, has an (indirect) say in how the movie goes. It is the conclusion of the Nosce Te Ipsum story and the conclusion of the research project.

Just the thought of this concept in practice already excites me so much! Especially if I could score interviews with a very broad range of influential people: presidents, business leaders, artists… Of course also “regular citizens”, including young children. I would love to hear their answers to the questions in the Nosce Te Ipsum survey for The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, and more ๐Ÿ˜€ . Hoping that if they do it, other people will do the survey as well – since my aim is at least a million participants. I feel that we could get such interesting results! (And don’t let my title of “Propagandist” confuse you. I find it far more interesting, for this screenplay, to discover the truth, than to give the world a new direction in accordance with my vision.)

My level of enthusiasm is very high, but I’m facing two serious issues:

  • A buget? ๐Ÿ™ I haven’t been able to find funding for anything, this far… But a budget for this project would also include the largest IT project ever… (I can then finally start establishing my web empire and won’t have to do all of this myself anymore 😻 .) I hope it can be funded by individuals who support the entire endeavor… (Instead of profit hungry organizations. I want to keep my independence…)
  • Getting anyone to say “yes” to doing an interview with me, and maybe also play a role in the movie/mini-series (even when he or she is not a professional actor/actress) [especially to put some weight on the satiric swag of the entire project. I do would love to see my favorite actors and actresses participate in this as well ๐Ÿ™‚ ] ……..

Back in 2017, before all of the drama stuff happened, I was hoping to get dr. B.S.Y. Crutzen enthusiastic about this, and that he could help me with the research and play a role in the screenplay (because I love his charisma ๐Ÿ™‚ ). He is currently my only Graeyniss contact, so I hope he will be interested in working with me (after everything that happened…). With his endorsement, other people might want to play a role in this, sooner ๐Ÿ™‚ .

So, change of plans 1000001 (in this diary lol): I am going to send dr. B the concept of the screenplay written out and hope that he is interested in doing this with me. (Showing the entire making-off process I would love to look back at ๐Ÿ™‚ . It would be a great addition to this blog! ๐Ÿ˜€ )

I’ll work out the screenplay concept more detailed and share it with you, here. And then send it to him and let you know what he thinks of joining the band wagon. (Maybe he already knows I’ll ask him this. I hope you like it ๐Ÿ˜€ .)

I hope we’ll see this piece of propagandist euphoria in practice ๐Ÿ˜€ . You’ll see the concept written out, here. Tomorrow: same time, same place ๐Ÿ™‚ .


Blog, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]

14:08 (02:08 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ


My night was good. My morning was chill. Had some left over salad for breakfast. There’s not much else I consider edible in the house. If I had money, yes, I would have purchased a gift and made a fresh breakfast (and if the thought of this family didn’t cause so much heartache, too). It’s not nice being so non-thoughtful. Same went for Mother’s Day. But my mother is going to buy some whiskey or another type of alcoholic beverage, on behalf of all of us. Makes me feel a little less worse.

How’s your day? Do you have special Father’s Day plans?

Honestly, I think it’s time that we stop this global routine we live. For many, commercialized holidays, such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day and today, bring along many traumatic memories. Traumatic memories that are suppressed, because it’s often not understood, and sentimental joyfulness is always the way we are encouraged on days like these even more. I hope you weren’t expecting any sentimental expressions of love, about this commercialized day.

If I’m Correct?

Is it correct that I was found on Father’s Day, in 2017, when I had gone missing? I’m not certain, but I remember wanting to sell ties for Father’s Day, before my parents put me under surveillance after a fight. And then I was too busy and depressed from suddenly having to spend so much time getting away from the surveillance I did not want to be under.

When I ran away from home, it was my intention to never come back. I didn’t know that I was reported missing. I was (and am still) working on breaking contact for good, and that means that on sentimental days like these, too, I will be gone. But for PR purposes, it is catastrophic to have gone missing for such a short amount of days, and then being found on Father’s Day.

Again: I didn’t know that I was reported missing, when I was missing. Otherwise, it would never have happened. I don’t want that type of attention ever. Even if I were missing for real, I prefer no one to even fucking know. I had said multiple times that I didn’t want to be under surveillance. They still kept forcing that upon me, so then it shouldn’t have been found weird that it was my intention to never return. I don’t know all of the nonsense that has been said about me, but it makes it sound as if I want his attention, while my wish is the exact opposite. I just want to be seen as someone who is not mentally unstable and want to receive financial support and will find that elsewhere, somehow. Or kill myself, the way I planned to, before I was found. Fucking insane flehs attempting to destroy my slight sense of pride, because I’m intelligent. They’re not even in my peripheral…

Later Castle Chillings

My clothing represents how I feel. Though it doesn’t fit me the way it should, in size, I feel very comfortable, because most of my other clothing fits worse:

I was wrapping my edges haha

Yahaaay I love turtle necks ๐Ÿ™‚ . It looks okay for this occasion, right? CastleFangs ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Meoww I wonder what Victishe would look like wearing a turtle neck hihihi

In case it gets hottt

My sister is getting her hair done – plus haven’t seen her in a few days – so we’re waiting for her to come, and after that we’re going to Zeist. I’m hungry, my meow…

Hunger & Frustration

I’m going to put “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” online here. Since no one is fucking buying it ughhh but I still want you to read the message because it’s fucking important, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . Stupid old people thinking they know everything… You really need to let go of most formalities, because it is causing you to be taken advantage of. Is what I say in that โ‚ฌ1100+ essay no one is looking at. I deserve compensation for my writing. This is entertainment ๐Ÿ™ . Let me buy a fucking house mann every day I want to leave this life behind for good, but people just keep staring and thinking this is about sex it’s so fucking annoying.

My research results are depressing and the publisher’s portal I purchased a subscription for a while back, doesn’t work, so I, still, am barely motivated to finish my websites. I want to show fruitful results that show a positive image about society, and be able to publish books internationally. But now I think I’ll need to buy my own printing press? Ugh why the fuck does everything cost money ๐Ÿ™ .

Grrr I’m going to put that essay online. I hope you’ll still donate something to me or something. I do not want to be part of this circle anymore. They already barely speak to me, so no one, including me, will give a fuck if I leave for good. Help me please ๐Ÿ™ .

Excuse me for that fit of anger from hunger – can’t even buy the food I like – and frustration for not having a way to get the fuck out of this place for good. I’m not going to work my tachycardia to death, just to rent a fucking room. Why am I not respected for what I am doing here? ๐Ÿ™ Do not answer that question if your answer is hateful.


15:58 (03:58 PM)

Vroom Vrooom

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid is online :). Pleaseeee read it!
We’re on our way ayyy. Currently picking up my sister at her boyfriend’s ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Yaaaay now we’re one happy family ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I wanted to upload some pictures, casually breaking some privacy rules, but my internet is slow ๐Ÿ™ . I’ll find another way to upload them ๐Ÿ™‚ .


23:33 (11:33 PM)

Back Home

You know the “happy family” is just a wish, right?

Meoww I’m tired ๐Ÿ™ . Today was fun, though the event was very different from what I expected. I wish I could organize some events ayy… With a guest list…

I’ll tell you the rest of today’s story through pictures. Then drink some Henny (because Rooster & Wolf weren’t sold) and go to sleeeep.

Now I’m a tired Catje, wanting more Victishe Cishes day by day. Ah prrr I really wonder how his day was.

I hope you’ll read my essay and give me some Cishes, too, my meow.

Good nighttt ♥


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy, Videos

Reform Development Day 1 [Friday, June 14, 2019]

01:30 (AM)

Heyy โ™ฅ

I’m Vampin’, my meowww. Too excited to go to sleep. Once I get going, I don’t want to quit until it’s done. For the sake of keeping that up, today is Reform Development Day 1.

The video I recorded earlier is being converted to MPEG4, so that I can upload it to YouTube. And – this was a big step – I finished my contact page ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope the world will treat my contact information fairly…

I really hope you’ll reach out to me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The video conversion progress is now finished for 75%. It is now 02:02 (AM). In the meantime, I’ve answered some ASKfm questions.

As part of Reform Development Day – lol actually spontaneous coincidence because I was getting bored with those stupid “funny videos” and other nonsense anyway – I will delete my Facebook and Instagram account today, at 6 PM (UTC +01:00). I don’t know who has been reporting my blog on there, but I wonder why that hasn’t happened from the very beginning I created those accounts, then. Debatable death threats were on there and here from the very beginning. All text I tried to share on those networks, became blocked after I shared that voice recording (in which -> I <- was mistreated) again on Crisis Center Day 6. What I find the most scandalous about this incorrect treatment, is that they don’t even tell me why they are blocking my text and blog link(s). (Then I could much easier tell them that they are in the wrong for blocking me. Don’t forget: I might have websites, through which other people’s bad actions are stored and shared with the world, but the people I speak of are (mostly) anonymous, and in reality, it is still thousands against 1: against me. People forget that I have feelings, too. The reason why I have this blog, is because they have fucking hurt my feelings far too fucking often, and I have no one I can comfortably share this with in my circle.)

I, by the way, still also don’t know who the fuck put my book on I wonder how many people have read it… It’s soooooo fucking insane that it is on there and I don’t even get a fucking share of the fucking sales????? I’ll not spend it on fucking dumb things… I’m trying to constitute a new country here…

Meoww I’m going to empty and fill up the dish washer – is what I promised when I said that I’m not going to eat TV dinner but eat in my room. Then my video will be converted, I’ll share it with you here, as it is uploading to YouTube. Then we’ll all wake up to a video of me reading another post and this time even more clearly mention that I’m so deeply in love with Victor Geskes 😻 . (Hope I won’t receive another phone call from a very aggressive sounding, hissing female, if I write down his name here… 😏 )

Haha it was my intention to read yesterday’s post as well, and afterwards go into web development related things. But I ended up elaborating on the first time I spoke with him in sooo much detail ahahaha… And then told “our” story from that moment until what the fuck happened on Tuesday 😂 . I did end it with working on my contact page.

Lol meanwhile it’s 02:54 and I’ll do the dishes after having slept. I’ll also write a caption after I’ve slept, but will still upload and publish this video now, because you really need to see it! 😻

I’m going to sleeep. Good night ♥

My video will be available here ayyy

~ xxx ~

18:24 (06:24 PM)

I posted these pictures on my (other) social media yesteday:


Yess invest in me bitte.

Sooo un-cuddle ๐Ÿ™

There’s no way I’ll ever go back there.

And I deleted my accounts just now. I love it when I stick to my words.

Right before going to sleep. I realized that today is Friday and I had another appointment scheduled with my case manager and the experience expert. Though my alarm went off at 10 AM and the appointment was at 11, I had a hard time getting up. Ended up leaving the house around 5 past 11, so I was there 11:20. It was very comfortable venting again. They ask very good questions.

I hope to receive a referral soon, so that I can get my second opinion at “The Therapist”. I hope to get rid of that schizophrenic/psychotic individual label soon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Now I’ll be writing the rest of the text for the D.O.C.I.S. International website. And I’ve also claimed my new web store domain and have given it a SSL certificate ๐Ÿ™‚ . A long name is funny, because it’s “against the rules”: ๐Ÿ˜€ . I wanted to start adding my manuscripts to the database of het centraal boekhuis, but it’s unavailable ๐Ÿ™ . I hope it will be working properly after the weekend. I need this money meowww ๐Ÿ™ .

Againnnn ayy. I also took the best nap ever, there ๐Ÿ™‚ .

So I’ll be writing it out with pen and paper first, because I spend too much time behind screens. It gives me dry eyes x_x.

Though we should all cut down on screen time, because it’s unnatural, I hope you’ll watch my YouTube videos, instead of watching a movie ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll probably write you again before I go to sleep. Enjoy the rest of your day ♥ .


22:57 (10:57 PM)

Meoow I ended up saying “Yes” to the reiterated question if I want to go along to the wholesale market (Makro). We ran into some family friends there ๐Ÿ™‚ .

The dates (food lol) are amazing and so was the rib-eye! Meoow tomorrow I’m going to stuff some dates (food ahahaha) with soft goat cheese 😻 .

But I was already tired before this day started and now I still have so much to do ๐Ÿ™ . (But what I do is not seen as a job here ๐Ÿ™ . Yes, it does not pay well, but that’s just because I have no investors ๐Ÿ™ . ) And I also need to re-twist my hair, because it’s becoming very frizzy. I want to make tighter twists, so that I can put it in a high ponytail on Sunday, when we’re going to a tasting event in a castle: Slot Zeist. I have nothing to wear, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . I really need new clothing, but have 0 stacks ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ . Especially after today. First there was about โ‚ฌ120 on my account. Now there’s only โ‚ฌ1, because my stupid health care premium was deducted from my account ๐Ÿ™ . I really hope my manuscripts will sell… ๐Ÿ™ Even more, I hope that I’ll somehow find some Victishe-level Graeynissis who would like to do business with me…

And meooow being single sucks even more during the Summer season 😥 . This hot weather makes me want to kiss and go places… But I don’t have a fixed income, so I don’t feel comfortable spending money meowww 😿 .

I’m going to go to sleep, having dreams about Victishe… I wish we were together meoww ๐Ÿ™ . Then I could also chill with my B 😋 . Haha helppp.

I would love to outsource all of the work that is exhausting me, by the way. But I still haven’t had any investors ever in my life ๐Ÿ™ . Please be the first ♥ .

Goood nighttt ♥


Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Back Online :) [Thursday, June 13, 2019]

09:35 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

I’m so glad to be back online, and I’m even more glad to find you here again ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s such a risk to lose (frequent) visitors, when going offline (unannounced) ๐Ÿ™ .

One of the greatest down sides of not having a fixed income, is that it’s not guaranteed that there’s enough on my account, to pay my bills. But it’s fixed now and I’m even out of personal debit account debt ๐Ÿ™‚ . So after paying my โ‚ฌ25 hosting bill Tuesday night (so cheap because I’m the administrator myself), I’m back online now ๐Ÿ™‚ .

To not be able to pay a bill of โ‚ฌ25 is a truly heartbreaking feeling. I’m glad that I’m currently making financial progress that is better than it has ever been, without a fixed income. As in my best time, financially, was last Summer, with my guaranteed income, working as an aid, but now I’m starting to have better passive income prospects. Especially after what else happend on Tuesday, I will ne-ver work for a boss again! (In that way, I also have a lot more time to befriend Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™‚ . (By “Graeynissis”, I mean intelligent, alternatively reasoning individuals. Not that fake subscriber account I made on the forum here, who is actually me, haha.))

This is a very good financial momentum, already being out of debt, because from today, I can sell my manuscripts to other publishers and book stores!!! ๐Ÿ˜€
And having my manuscripts in that database will also make it a lot easier for me to sell them through the D.O.C.I.S. store ๐Ÿ™‚ .

And oh my goddd my meowww, so much has happend since my website went down! I’ll update you through anecdotes, tweets and pictures, but will do this after I’ve had breakfast and made a schedule of tasks for today. When I tell you, depends on how my schedule will be. I’ll be visiting the bank to make a little deposit, for sure. Other tasks, I’ll be selecting from this list (that is even still incomplete):

Putting my hand on the side that has a traumatic text on it. My gohdddd

“Overig” was because I became tired of making the list and just felt like summarizing the rest. The app I want to (have) develop(ed) is not even on it… I’d prefer to have the funds to hire someone/people to take care of all of my web activity. Something I’ve mentioned often. I’m a good investment my meowww.

Other tasks are on Though officially not planned, I already started using it! Because this domain was blocked due to that bill (which is to fund all domains I have, but blocks wordpress of a certain sub-contract, when I’m behind on payments), I already started using it, because I feel so empty when I can’t write you ๐Ÿ™ . Please check out The Fangs :D. I hope and think you’ll love it (when it’s done 😻 )! And I hope you’ll be my guest blogger/guest writer! 😻

More information about that will follow when my domains are finished ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m back online meoww please tell a friend ๐Ÿ™‚ .


17:13 (05:13 PM)

I’ve gone to the bank to deposit the โ‚ฌ150 my grandmother gave me for helping her reporting her taxes in May ๐Ÿ™‚ . Now I’m officially out of personal bank account debt (as in I still have this huge study loan and this Elia PR bank account I want to unsubscribe but need to take out of debt first ahaha ๐Ÿ™ ). And I just decided to record a video in which I tell you everything that happened since my website went down.

In case you don’t like watching videos: here is a set of pictures that summarizes most of what I’ve been doing since Vampin’:

It was very nice catching up with my aunt, chilling on her balcony ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Her room is pretty ๐Ÿ™‚ . That crib there left is from her grandchild, who sadly wasn’t around when I visited.

We then went back to my house for the family dinner my father prepared. It was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Then I slept over at my aunt’s place. Waking up to an unavailable website. She doesn’t sleep in her bed due to a trauma, and I find it very sweet that she gave me her room. I’ll be visiting far more often…

That Monday I went from my aunt’s in Rotterdam, to my cousin’s in Amstelveen. It was her 28th birthday. I won the first game of “Weerwolven” as the only wolf ๐Ÿ™‚ . Haha I had to figuratively digest a child to get that mayor card, on the left, but that strategy helped me win ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Finishing touches…ย 

Uncovering wolves and stuffff ayy that game really is a lot of fun

Pics in the wrong order, but I realized my pants were torn, just before I left my aunt’s place.

Sweetness @ receiving that drawing. Then I showed the children there how to fold a plane, because I saw they were getting frustrated from not having toys to play with and being in the same space for hours.

The starter was “okersoep” with crabs. It was my first time eating it with crab, which was cool :).

Then, at home, I made these semi-explicit pictures, because I was feeling like a wild Catje, from my plans of calling Victishe for lunch… (That ended up going soooo next level oh my goddd x_x.)

Still feeling wild…

This was actually the first picture out of three I made. Searching for an angle…

I prepared this meal yesterday. The salad, I enjoyed the most ๐Ÿ™‚ . The recipe is on Twitter:

This is what I bought at the drug store, after leaving the bank. Haha I tweeted: “All these death threats and I’m still suffering from dry eyes” hahahahaahahah

I think because of the combination of cropped up anger, cropped up sadness and having been grounded so very often, I love cycling through the rain, when it’s not windy ๐Ÿ™‚ . Smiling felt weird for that picture, so I didn’t, but believe me when I say that I’m feeling better than ever :).

Okay meoww the sun is out and I feel like catching some more outside air, so I’m going to smoke a cigarette (lol niet nadoen) and then I’m going to record a video in which I read Vampin’, this post and old tweets, and tell you the details of everything that happened since this blog went down. And after that, I’ll be working on my websites, while still recording, because meooowww I have so much to tell you ๐Ÿ™‚ . Plus being silent and alone is kind of boring. (But still better than losing precious working time and being stuck with superficial conversation ๐Ÿ™‚ .)


Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? ๐Ÿ˜€


01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! ๐Ÿ˜€

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side โ™ฅ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) โ™ฅ


10:49 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoรฎt Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx


12:55 (PM)ย 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.


16:25 (04:25 PM)


This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! ๐Ÿ™‚ My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out ๐Ÿ™ .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]ย  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis onย  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have ๐Ÿ™ . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairsย 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely ๐Ÿ™ . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx


21:44 (09:44 PM)ย ย 

Heyy โ™ฅ

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay ๐Ÿ™ . It might sound foolish to purchase a โ‚ฌ1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? ๐Ÿ™

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong ๐Ÿ™ . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content ๐Ÿ™ .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something ๐Ÿ™ .


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Crisis Center Day 7 [Monday, June 3, 2019]

09:23 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I woke up quite stressed out, because I don’t want to spend another day defending myself. But that’s why I’m here… All I can do is keep my head up.

I’m going to take a shower and eat something. (Won’t go outside today, because my cards are maxed out…) But before I go, I feel like sharing this:

Hehe meow I went to sleep with this thought: mijn Vicje [I sound obsessed lol]: I hope that the next time I hear you say “I really have to go”, is when I’m cuddling you in your bed and I’ll be like “Nooo I want you so bad, please give me some more Cishes” . And then we responsibly time that on the 1 minute and 36 seconds we have left and I then go with you to work because I’m your sidekick… Haha ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I’ll make a recent picture for a featured image later today. And I’ll write that essay today ๐Ÿ™‚ . Though I really feel that I need a holiday… I’ve published over 111000 words this year…

Tot later xxx


11:08 (AM)

I really wonder when things will finally go my way… Currently, they are not.

In the session just now, I was told that tomorrow, I have to leave this place. A few homeless shelter options were listed, because finding a job where shelter is offered, before tomorrow, is “unrealistic”.
And that at 1 o’clock, tomorrow, there is a session planned with people from the department – “specialized in psychoses” – I was in from April 2017 until I ran off to the United States. That they’ll see whether they’ll refer me to someone who could give me a second opinion or not. They want my parents to be present at that session… This is a lost cause, because no one wants to tell me that I’m right, because that means that dozens of people have been in the wrong for so long, and that I have the right for monetary compensation for the suffering I’ve lived through over 2 years…

So I’m going to look for a suitable homeless shelter now? I wish a sharp reader would help me :(…

In other news: I’m going to do my laundry, wishing I had some cash to buy fabric softener, for my strong odor… x_x


11:36 (AM)

It’s done around oneee

Now I’m going to change the trash bag, and then think of what homeless shelter I can go to, with 45 cents to spend, as I write an essay I’ll publish today and sell for a very low price. Please buy it ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Is it still strange that I want to die? There’s a unit for people with a depression, and I’m being sent to a unit for schizophrenics. Because of my parents…

My bloodlust comes from those who could have helped me, but prefer to make jokes about the way I feel, and watch me struggle. I want to take them with me, to the grave. Then I’d still have made the world a little better.


12:12 (PM)ย 

What currently stings my heart the most, is that it is said that me doing my own press, is considered a problem.

Ik zit al heel lang op een goed tegengeluid te wachten. Waarom begin jij, die vindt dat ik wel schizofreen ben, geen blog? Waarom doe je geen aangifte? Er staan “dodenlijsten” op dit blog, en ik heb dinsdag zonder toestemming een gesprek opgenomen en online gezet. Doe alsjeblieft aangifte tegen mij, als je oprecht vindt dat ik schizofreen ben, zodat ik dan in hoger beroep kan gaan tegen jou, en deze casus voor eens en altijd kan afsluiten.

For a truly independent second opinion, I need to either go to Belgium, or go to the United States. The Dutch system doesn’t allow for it. (You can clearly see that.) I currently do not have the funds for that.


13:18 (01:18 PM)ย 

This is what my essay will be about:

This is how I see society, the way it currently is. What D.O.C.I.S. does, is putting that in reverse.

I’m going to publish it in both Dutch and English. You’ll be able to purchase it from here. I’m also going to put it on Smashwords, and distribute it to the Apple Store et cetera.

Before I continue writing, I want to say this funny thing: around December, I sent Victor an email, in which I metaphorically referred to myself as a homeless cat, asking him if he wants to take me in. (An odd request to wich saying “yes” is not easy, I know. Maar niet geschoten is altijd mis…) And now I actually need to find shelter for tomorrow onwards. I have no options I consider options, in my network, other than him…

I’m going to continue to work on my essay…ย  xxx


14:42 (02:42 PM)ย 

A slight change of plans… I give my products a low price, because I’m trying to spread a message. But currently, I find it more important that I have a better alternative than a homeless shelter or living with my parents.

So I’m thinking of a good โ‚ฌ107,77 for this essay. 10 sales can help me last about a month, living the way I did when I was in Germany and in the United States (not very comfortable, but doable). 100 sales can make me rent something. 1000 sales and we can really start talking. I could even start putting my actual business concept into practice…

But meoow I’d then still be alone ๐Ÿ™ . That’s why I was thinking of ways to get Victor’s attention… (And I really don’t want to go to my parents’ house or stay in a homeless shelter. Though I’d rather be alone in a homeless shelter, than go back home…)


18:36 (06:36 PM)ย 

Twitter highlights:

And it will be sold for โ‚ฌ1077,77… Then we can start talking after about 10 sales. And I can finally move on from all of this bullshit. If you buy this, you’ll definitely be entitled to receive a Cishe from me ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ .

Even this migraine can’t stop me from writing… Please buy it, when I put it online – which I’ll announce on all of my social media – and help me have a better alternative than living in a homeless shelter, serving drinks, or moving back in with my parents, with the risk of being sent to the closed vicinity again next time.

I want to lead, together with you. My essay tells you the why and how.

I’m going to continue to write. I’m typing it right away, instead of fully writing it out with pen and paper first. In my notebook, I’ve only written an overview. The essay is fresh off the top, like my diary posts, but then not about a different topic than my day-to-day life.

Please help me move on from this discomfort I’ve been living in for so long and keep an eye on my blog around midnight. Pleaseeeee. Please stay tuned, for “Disrupting The Silent Pyramid”!!!ย  xxx


21:05 (09:05 PM)

“Disrupting The Silent Pyramid” will be passionately published with all of the tools I have available with the situation I’m in. 45 cents to spend, so no paid marketing. It is literally typed on my phone. Currently, it is about 1000 words, but the core is not worked out yet. I’m loving it already ๐Ÿ™‚ .

You’ll love it, too, my fellow bottom two rows of the pyramid :). I’m keeping the exact content a surprise, though…ย 

It includes exclusive information about the D.O.C.I.S. ๐Ÿ™‚ .


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Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]

05:57 (AM)

Good morning :)โ™ฅ

The chirping of birds woke me, a while ago. In case you see the featured image and wonder why my pillow is tilted to the side: it’s because (often, due to pillow quality) I prefer to lay my head on the mattress and pretend as if my pillow is someone I can cuddle with…

Kinda feel at home here

I ate some left over soy beans, as I checked my notifications, after which I emptied my bladder. Now I’m back in bed.

Meowww I wish I really had someone to talk to, with whom I can be intimate, who doesn’t want me to change at all. 90% of those I speak to, don’t understand the decisions I make. Not even after explanation. Still they advice me to stop acting differently than others. I have many reasons to do what I do, the way I do it. That’s why I have such a great need for the type of friendship where one look explains enough.

Meanwhile, my fantasies are getting more wild by the minute. Even elevators and taxis are not safe for us anymore… 😻 Though I love the way the mental images make me feel, I fear getting too attached to the idea of us together… Because what if it won’t happen :(.

Being friends or more than friends with me, is/will be/could be something a lot of people have an opinion about. Much of my provocative strategy is received with negative commentary, because I see a complete disruption and replacement of the system we live in, as an improvement, and a lot of people (in truth) do not want their lives to change. I’m telling you: due to the state of our environment (including overpopulation and the injustice many are living in), change is inevitable.
But you and I, like those who will judge us, have the right to have good friendships, too, right. I think, if some would see us together, they would be shaken up by the radience of our power, intelligence and influence. That is something we should disregard, because to better our fate, our Alliance is supposed to become reality.

Today will be a very hot day… I feel like getting a slush puppy? And I do want to get started with that essay I spoke of yesterday. I think I’ll write it down on paper first, for a change. But first, I’ll close my eyes again for a while, later have breakfast and get ready and stuff… xxx


14:06 (02:06 PM)

Some wild tweets:

Help me er ajb voor zorgen dat ik nooit meer Maccie eet… Ben elke keer misselijk erna x_x. Doe mij maar lobster…

Dit was ik naar mezelf maar snap je wat ik probeer te doen… xd

Currently still @ mcdonalds. Ik denk niet dat ik mijn McFlurry M&M op krijg haha…


17:41 (05:41 PM)

I’m so tired meowww x_x.

Zzzzz 😴

This weather [and the thought of you 😻 ] got me like… 😂

I enjoyed the weekend, though. I fear tomorrow. I’m powerless against the mental torture sessions I can’t get away from. All I can do is list my rights. They don’t understand that the only reason why I’m here is to have sone time away from home, hopefully even to move out right after I get out of here. They don’t have a protocol for that, here, so they consider me a mentally lost cause. They still think I have trouble learning… I just have high standards, that’s all.

It takes time to put my business concept into practice. Time they can’t and don’t even want to give me, here. I wish to escape the authority of the health care industry and the authority of my parents. I did that when I went to the United States and I did that when I went to Germany (twice). I don’t have the money to do that again. (Otherwise I would have done that again as soon as I received my new passport…) If I don’t escape this situation soon, I’ll probably die under strange circumstances – the way many patients have – and they’ll say it was suicide. I don’t want to die anymore now that, by being here, I’ve received a new chance to prove my point [THAT I AM NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC]. But I can only succeed in this, if I receive the support from those who can truly understand my writing.

It’s dinner time. I’ll be back afterwards, though I feel like sleeping already… xxx


19:32 (07:32 PM)

Dinner – bami – was quite good ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m back in bed now. This weather is making me feel like a dried leaf, and I fear this place, in that context, because lorazepam is considered a medicine… It’s my tachtcardia acting up, and psychiatric drugs will make that worse. Wish I had money to visit my doctor in Germany again…

Remember this audio file?!AhevpAkFFwyIi2XeP6xJYmwXkgFY
To me, that is not therapy, but plain abuse of authority. All I do is constantly defend myself. It’s exhausting. I don’t want that again, but tomorrow is Monday ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ .

I wish I could be with my Vicje ๐Ÿ™ . Who knows my chances with him. I don’t know, because every time I’ve been around him, I get too busy with fighting the urge to kiss and touch him, while trying to make a cool impression (hahahahahahahaha)…. (I pray he feels the same way about me…) He’s one of the few people on this entire globe, I actually genuinely find attractive. He’s number one on my mental list of people I find attractive. Jhene Aiko is second ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I feel kind of lost. During the last “therapy” session, it was said that they wanted to keep me in this ward only until after the weekend, and that after that, they want me to go back to the house of my parents and go back under treatment at the people I went all the way to the United States for, to escape them. This system is awful ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t even have Graeyniss friends who can visit me here ๐Ÿ™ .

To solve the problem I’m dealing with, here, I need the capital to buy my own house, and I need the investment needed to further develop my business (concept) (and some money for tuition)… Though they have it, my parents are not an option to ask this, because they would rather keep the money to themselves (and spend it irrationally)… I’d love to ask the people with a high status in society I’ve met, but they have a high status to maintain… I don’t know anyone else willing to support me. Especially not because of the controversial contents of my blog, my social environment doesn’t like.

I can really only do this with you, my Graeyniss… Which is so awesome, on the one hand, because I don’t want to spend time with anyone else! But on the other hand, I fear that you won’t do anything either, and that my fate is to die alone ๐Ÿ™ .

Haha wow I just heard thunder strike, but, for a second, thought it was a gunshot. Meooow this weather makes me want to have someone to cuddle with even more ๐Ÿ™ .

Since the ~experts~ here use the last few posts of my blog to call me mentally insane and someone who needs psychiatric drugs et cetera: I have serious grounds to plead for the assassination of some, including overpopulation and illegal activities. I am not a bad influence on my readers, because they haven’t done it – and even if they did, it wouldn’t be for nothing. That is also content for a police case and not a psychiatric case.

I can’t talk about my depression with these people here, because all they do is look at that file from 2017 and try to figure out what the exact schizophrenia of mine is, so that they can prescribe psychiatric drugs to me, with a reason why (@ health insurance). That’s just making me far more depressed! They’re also not even open to listen to my self-diagnoses, “because I’m the patient”. Help me please ๐Ÿ™ .

The greatest flaw in this psychiatric industry, is that there are too many patients per “doctor”. And that every session is with a different person, who then tries to continue the conversation of his/her colleague, but only knows what the colleague has paraphrased in the digital patient file, which is not everything.
Especially with me, you can’t hold a conversation in that way. My blog has over 400 posts on them, all about this case of mine. I’d appreciate it if the person reviewing me were prepared. And especially not judge after having read not even 10% of what is on here.
But they’re not willing to take the time for me like that. I can understand that, because I’m not open to use psychiatric drugs anyway, and there’s not enough time for a session, because of the amount of patients.

On top of all of that: if I considered psychiatry effective for me, I would have approached a psychiatrist myself, instead of, again, having my mother force me to see one.

What would truly solve my emotional problems, is sex, business and money. Though that might sound as a way to cover up emotional problems: the reason why I’m unsatisfied in life is because I’m striving towards the funding of a multi-component, multinational business, and I’m still not there yet. Plus I’m lonely… And when I, around proletarians, say “still” not “there” yet, they start with meaningless oneliners about having to start small and that failure is not bad et cetera. But for my level of intelligence, that’s worse than bad, and you all know it…

So I’m trying to reason out a quick way to solve this:

– I need to get money.
I should get my laptop, so that I can continue configuring my new online (book)store [in which I also want to sell classics fron Seneca and Ovid, et cetera… You’ll love it!!! 😻 ]. But for that, I need to go past the house of my parents and I wish to not speak to them… But my keys are at home x_x.

– I need to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Just because of my aspirations, I want my files to show the truth about me. However, if convincing you through my own network (D.O.C.I.S. International/ is possible, then I could sort of settle for that. Meanwhile, my mother loves to send me here, though. That’s why I do prefer to correct my file. To stop her from being able to do that.
The problem is that the “doctors” here, who don’t have time for exceptional cases, are not even willing to listen to the reasons why not. And if one psychiatrist would say “Lil Fangs is not a schizophrenic”, it would be much easier for other psychiatrists to say that the psychiatrist supporting me is also a schizophrenic, instead of suddenly having the world know that dozens of healty care professionals have done a VERY bad job with me, because I am not a schizophrenic (and have never been one, but the illness is chronic, so according to those “experts”, I was born weak-minded). I hope now you know for sure why I have been putting so much emphasis on my medical record, over the past few years ๐Ÿ™‚ .

– I need a place to stay.
Chances are that tomorrow they’ll either send me home or send me to a different ward. What I want is to live with someone I can talk business with (and be intimate with). But that is only possible when you anticipate on this blog post (Vicje 😻 ). If not – which would break my heart, but I could still get to show some empathy if you would (but please please PLEASE don’t break it) – I would choose the different ward. Or maybe they’ll keep me here and force me to undergo treatment with drugs here. That would be a powerless hell, but then I could continue to point out things that desperately need to be altered, in the (Dutch) psychiatric system.
I’d rather do that, than go back to my parents’ house. I consider this form of raising awareness the most useful – hopefully media victims are considering to publish their news through me. And I’d rather write than have to resort to some job serving drinks full-time, continuously being disturbed by the fact that I have a business here, ready for expansion.

If my B admits to being the voice in the Head Cuddle… ๐Ÿ™ The case would be closed just like that. It’s who we are, naturally, and we have this ability for a purpose. I still experience the sound, but it’s as if we have nothing to talk about, if we can’t even spend time together. We’re supposed to be designing a new world together ๐Ÿ™ .

My dear reader, please do something ๐Ÿ™ . To help me, you could, for example, form an alliance with other supporters of mine you know. I beg you to distance yourself from those who are not on my side, if you’re on my side, because our opponents are incredibly hurtful and I do not want you to get hurt! ๐Ÿ™

If you’re a sweet and influential Graeyniss reading this: you know where I am at all times. You can see what I see and hear what I hear. I hope you’ll use these tools to make me even happier, by freeing me and allowing me to spend more time with you in person. It’s what we both want…

No one wants me to stay in a ward like this for three months or longer, again (I assume…). To earn – so that I can afford to live elsewhere, without moving back in with my parents – I should get access to a computer (and buy a better one…). I wish I could just be Vicje’s sidekick, though… (Because, yes, my mind does need special attention on the work floor, because I think I’m already ready to handle a director’s workload…) Meoow I wonder if he’s still in the country… I would be so happy to spend much more time with him. Even if it’s only to look at him: he’s such a Catje! 😻

I’m going to go to sleep again. With panties only, because it’s sooo hott in here…

Good night ♥


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Crisis Center Day 5 [Saturday, June 1, 2019]

06:49 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

How are you today? ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m quite well rested, it seems. I’m thinking of how to keep myself occupied today… I feel like writing an essay about unspoken social hierarchy, but spending so much time with my phone in my hands isn’t healthy and I don’t have my laptop with me…

Tomorrow will be a very hot day, so I really need those tights, though. (Even better would be to get my legs waxed… It’s very much needed… I wear tights in an attempt to mask my wildly unshaved legs…) And I should get outside to get some food…

I’m casually laying here in my cell. From the start of my blog, I’ve been saying that these institutions have mentally scarred me and that their forms of treatment are ineffective (to me). But I guess I had to get myself locked up in here to prove that point. I bet some still don’t believe that I’ve been through this hell before.

The reason why I’m not rich yet, is because I haven’t found any willing and suitable business partners yet. They should stay away from me with their psychiatric drugs, because that won’t change anything about that. It also won’t change the disappointment I have in my parents, for not wanting to invest in me, but still spending thousands of euros on takeout food and infrequently giving me cash I can only use for basic essentials, such as paying my bills when I don’t have enough money myself. I need a holiday ๐Ÿ™ .

I feel so weird for begging Vicje to save me… Because I have no other plans for freedom… As in that I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to suddenly spend so much time with. He seems like someone who will really appreciate my companionship. Someone who can understand the contents of my mind, and vice versa (though to understand his world, I need to witness it for a longer time, first, to learn, which is what I would truly love to do). But to come here, on the terrain of this institution, is so much to ask… I don’t know what to do, to get out of here and be happy…

In other news: this is my way of being provocative:

And the way the curtains turn my room orange is quite freaky…

Remember 180 Days of Fangs? They still don’t even know why they’re keeping me here. That’s how every session starts: “Please tell us why you’re here.” Your colleagues are supposed to document why I’m here and you’re supposed to add useful information to that file.

How can they already be thinking of prescribing psychiatric killer drugs to me, while they still don’t know why I’m here? How can they have an opinion about my blog, if they have only read about less than the last 5 days, and I’ve been at it for more than a year? It’s so fucked up when people who don’t understand you, have authority over you. The same goes for my parents…

Sad Catje ๐Ÿ™ . I really need some passionate kisses ๐Ÿ™ .


11:56 (AM)ย 

I passed out into dreamland a few times more. But I should really get out of bed and eat something… I should also do my laundry soon… I’m almost out of sleepwear (I’m wearing because I have slight mysophobia and wearing something makes me feel as if I’m not able to catch anything from laying in a public bed…)…

Before I drifted off to sleep, I was thinking of why I always have “unapproachable” men and women on my mind… [One of the many reasons why (jealous) proletarians call my ambitions “unrealistic” and “impossible”. But if I could just make a name for myself, I could chill with people with names…]

And that I’m basically in love with someone I’ve spent very little time with. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of the type of relationship we could have? I don’t know if – but do really hope – it could be like that in real life. Finishing each other’s sentences and being all cuddly and stuff, but also able to be very serious and as if we’re not even dating, when we have to. But I fear being yelled at, which often happens in relationships in general, though ๐Ÿ™ . Then again, I have a strong feeling he really is sweet and wouldn’t treat me like that, because I would never treat him like that… But then again, maybe I should get started with breaking my own heart, because my e-mail address is blocked… But that could also have been someone else’s decision “to help him move on”, blocking my mail address, if he’s in love with me as well… 😻 (& #x1F63B;) In theory, I’m easy to fall in love with…

We’d have to live through a lot of negative judgment, maybe, but we’re doing that already anyway. It would be much nicer to do it together…

Meow my heart is scared of being shattered for the zillionth time thoughhh…

Does the world only consist of people who want me to change my behavior, or are there also some people who understand and appreciate my decisions (and companionship)? I’m worried about my future ๐Ÿ™ . I can only succeed with those who can understand me…

Meowsss I’m going to brush my teeth and head downstairs… xxx


16:22 (04:22 PM)

Low key super sad catje ๐Ÿ™

Slipper swag

Wish I had a reason to smile… And I need prescription shades… Instead of fucking prescription drugs gtfo…

Well I guess I’m going to the mall again, because sitting inside is boring as fuck and I need healthy-ish food…

As I’ve been saying over a year, if I’d be able to buy a house – if only I had a share of family capital – I would not be in this powerless situation. Now death is the only solution I see, because I still have nothing else to talk about, with my mother, and she has the authority to send me here whenever the fuck she wants to, which causes a vicious cycle for me. What if she’s the schizophrenic, for believing I’ll never run my own multinational business? She and others who consider my ambition a symptom of schizophrenia. Do you think putting me away here will change the fact that I want you dead because then you’re off my back?

They will keep trying to put me on the psychiatric drugs one of my doctors in Germany has proven me to be intolerant of. I deserve a trial for this. They just don’t go for it, because they know no lawyer can win the fight against me and I don’t have money for a lawyer and my parents are in the other corner of the ring, on this one…

I wish I could just find investors for my multi-component business and have no time for this psychiatric nonsense. They’re the ones giving me the most mental issues anyway. Damn.

Of course not every person who works here is a demon, and not every patient is competent. That is one of the many reasons why I’m pleading for an alteration of the system we’re living in. Sure, I’d love to solve that by talking with people. But some are just too dumb, and that is why I see the flooding of the Netherlands as the best physical solution to this problem.

This all feels kinda Mein Kampf-ish… But in this case, using comparisons like that makes it easier for anyone to understand that the next war in this world will be personality-based. We can’t keep going on like this. The system needs reform. There’s not even time for the “Why?” debate simple-minded people want to hold. The question is whether you dare to give me authority or not…

I wonder if every country in the world has a psychatric industry like this one. And if “psychiatric resorts” with pools and nurses giving you fresh orange juice etc. exist… If yes: please, sign me up… Hahaha…

I’m waiting until my phone is charged a little – because I use my phone quite often… My battery was low after this morning already. When it’s at 25%, I’ll head outside. To buy thights, more short-sleeved clothing, a bottle of water (because I have the feeling there are psychiatric drugs in the food and drinks and stuff here…)… And some food…


19:37 (07:32 PM)

My Stratagem is still going according to plan, as far as I can guarantee my own safety. I’m showing people all over the world, the flaws of the system in person. The mental prison I’m now in for the second time, I personally find the greatest flaw.

I hope that, somewhere out there, there are people who agree with the fact that I’m much better off starting a new life elsewhere, and that they would like to offer me shelter and support with my endeavor for global change. This is living proof that I’m much better off without those who currently claim my presence. There are people out there wishing to speak to me, and they’re not even getting that chance…

The awful truth:

I’m glad people are anticipating on the pictures I make…

My appetizer…

My main… I still can’t believe they’re so convinced that I have schizophrenia. Echt fucking onzin x_x.

I’m in love… I keep being distracted from sexy fantasies I want to become real, but I’m afraid that the feeling won’t be mutual and my heart will be broken ๐Ÿ™ :

Recognizable for all Cuddles and Graeynissis I’m around:

De-privatize the health care system bitte:

This Catje is being sexy on my mind all day:

Meoww… As my belly is stuffed, it feels like bed time all over again…

Please think about sheltering me and/or forming an alliance with me and other secret supporters of mine… Please!!! ♥

I love my sexy fantasies the most when it’s bed time 😻

Good night 😘


Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Crisis Center Day 4 [Friday, May 31, 2019]

10:06 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

Though it hurts me to know that my business e-mail address is blocked, when contacting my Vicje – though I can understand he can not go in to personal business enquiries – it’s a relief to know that the e-mail I sent him yesterday, from my personal e-mail account, was delivered:

Toen ik vorig jaar in dezelfde situatie zat, vluchtte ik ook naar de ANWB… Dat ging prima?

I don’t know any other places to apply for a job I could be hired for, where I’d be sitting behind a desk. Serving drinks, sitting behind the counter, etc. suit my ambitions even less. I’m putting my Vicje in a difficult position, though ๐Ÿ™ . But I really don’t know who else can save me, if I can only be considered as normal, when I work. And I want the highest salary possible, so I only want to work full-time…

I can’t even think of the injustice I’m living in – because, again, I do not have an IBS, but still they do not want to listen to me, but just kill me with antipsychotics. I just want to get the hell out of this town… Hopefully there are no therapy sessions scheduled for me today. If I move to Den Haag – or anywhere else not in or very close to Rotterdam – I’ll be out of their territory.

They have also been considering to transfer me to the UMC… I can find peace in any location of residence, as long as I don’t have to go back to living under the authority of my parents. I need my own place. Especially because I want to be able to have Graeynissis over…

I feel like publishing an essay, today… In other news, I have less than โ‚ฌ10 to spend, so I can’t get proper food outdoors and buy thights for the t-shirt dress I bought and buy new eyeliner and mascara… The struggle… I’m going to have breakfast….


14:11 (02:11 PM)

I’m going outside to spend this money out of boredom and because of the fact that my hunger makes me very tired…

Same clothes as yesterdayy #sustainability

Before I went outside…

Currently walking towards the metro… I still really need a better bed, by the way ๐Ÿ™ .


14:27 (02:27 PM)


#schizoprenia ughhh


16:15 (04:15 PM)ย 

Currently eating this fruit…

I’m happy there was no therapy session planned for me today. I hope I won’t get any of those anymore. I want to move to wherever my Vicje is living, currently… But meoow I have 0 capital ๐Ÿ™ .

Hire me, pleaseee… Or take me in as your house Catje ๐Ÿ™ . I just want to get away from the psychiatric industry once and for all… When someone threatens to kill you, you should call the police and not a shrink. Why was there no police involved? Got something to hide?

I’m tired from defending myself on here. As in I wake up tired every day… And now I have to be full-time proletarian as well ๐Ÿ™ .

Kinda feel like a stalker deluxe but I’m going to send another message. I need someone I can work for, talk to and hopefully kiss and cuddle… Vicje is the only one who meets those requirements, who I can reach… Plus a sexy boss is a requirement to me, so I don’t know where else to look…


19:06 (07:06 PM)ย 

I sent another desperate e-mail x_x. Are there maybe some fellow Graeynissis who would like to offer my Vicje some support, in case he wants to save this Catje? We’ll become a squad of Graeynissis one day anyway, might as well be after I’ve slept because I’m tired as fuck right now…

What I sent [posting it here because I don’t know if mails are received when box is in “holiday mode”(?)]:

I’m such a random catje ahahah

It feels as if I’m being too informal. But my final objective is frequent Cishes so meowww

Hehe ๐Ÿ˜€

That second to last screenshot is just to show what my business will do, a little, in the future. Not to break any protocols…! (Unless you want to 😻 .)

Meoww Vicje may I be your holiday entertainment? 😻 You’ll have the best time of your life, with me! 😻 Fun relaxation until June 6th [I need that tooooooo], and after that making some cool boss moves together with your personal Propagandist ๐Ÿ˜€ .

I hope this means holiday mode Vicje? He’s such a mysterious Catjeย 😻

Then I sent this:

But meowww I have the feeling he, as well as many others, is a secret Lil Fangs fan. So there’s not much digital correspondence necessary :). I’m here on a voluntary basis, so officially, I may leave whenever the fuck I want to. (In reality, they don’t follow this rule.)

As I have told you a couple of times already, my goal is go have adult men (big and little men ๐Ÿ™‚ ) and outcast women, as my fans. I want grey haired men in suits to do for me, what young girls do for Justin Bieber!!! 😻 Only then, I would call myself successful! So please save me and let’s get this party started, bitte… ๐Ÿ™

Some notes on dinner:

A note on my life as Lil Fangs:

Meoww I’m going to bed…

My tachycardia and I hope I don’t die in my sleep yooo.

Good night ♥

– xxx –

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Crisis Center Day 3 [Thursday, May 30, 2019]

11:28 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I don’t know why I can’t reach my Vicje ๐Ÿ™ . My heart is too weak to approach a random proletarian for this, who won’t understand how much of a sensitive topic this is, and how much bad news would destroy my heart. Some people speak of him in such an awful manner, I won’t be able to endure something like that again ๐Ÿ™ .

I attempted to email him this [a very random message, I know], when I received a “failed to deliver” notice in return…:

Dezelfde fout maken is terug naar huis gaan. Mijn moeder en huisarts vinden dit een goede plek voor mij… Grrrrr…


Mijn intuรฏtie vertelt me altijd met wie ik dat wel zou willen doen en met wie niet

Get me out of here, please ๐Ÿ™ . I apparently still have arbeidsrecht. Apparently even arbeidsdwang, omdat ik alleen als normaal mens word gezien als ik full-time werk en studeer.

The description of the littest hangout in human history

Wild words

I don’t even know if it’s mutual ๐Ÿ™

I don’t know what to do now ๐Ÿ™ . I’m so worried… Though I haven’t been that close with him (yet?)… ๐Ÿ™ Maybe he doesn’t like me and has blocked my e-maik address? ๐Ÿ™ I’d rather hear that than hear that he has passed away or something

I’m now also stuck in the dilemma that I have to find residence and a fixed income, preferably before tomorrow, because after today they will put me under treatment at the department I was in in 2017-2018 [hell] and force me to go back to my parents’ house.

I asked the psychiatrist yesterday why they can’t treat me without medicines. He told me that medicines are going to put my mind on the right track, “so that I can go back into society” [because I am out of it?]. I had already explained to him that the reason why my business hasn’t thrived yet, is because I don’t have any investors. That the reason why I’m currently not studying, is because I don’t have ยฃ6000+ for tuition. That the reason why I don’t have a full time job, is because most jobs are too simple for my intelligence. And that swallowing some pill won’t change that. My self-analysis was, again, fully disregarded.

What I wrote after the conversation where I proposed my self-analysis idea

My alternative strategy is – again – working full-time, so that I won’t have time for living under psychiatric surveillance. I’m on the list for the ANWB Summer staff, so that’s where the e-mail came from…

Yesterday’s Twitter highlights:

I can’t imagine my future without the handsomest Graeyniss I have ever seen!

When it comes to getting out of here, this place is the same as a prison ๐Ÿ™ .

Help me bitte

I’ll show you my hair – best braids I’ve ever made for myself – when I’ve eaten and showered. I’m still in bed… ๐Ÿ™


12:58 (PM)

Important announcement:

My weakness… 😻 I’m still worried and feel quite powerless in this situation. I also don’t know who else can save me from this prison…


16:40 (04:40 PM)

Mijn gezichtsuitdrukking zegt “tjoerie” ahahahhaahaha. Ik hoor hier niet thuis verdomme ahahahah.

A tail in case the situation becomes even worse…

Getting some vitamin D… I’d rather get some vitamin Vicje…

Before I went into the shower

This is serious…

I’ll be writing… Er is hier echt niets te doen x_x.

Prison is clearly a metaphor and not fucking schizophrenia. I need to defend every statement I make x_x.


17:37 (05:37 PM)ย 

Important information:

I want to cuddle my sexy Vicje – I hope the reason why my mail wasn’t delivered, was because of its radical content… If he has a new job, then I heb niets te zoeken bij de ANWB (lol). If he is not with us anymore, then I’d spend all eternity not knowing if the feeling is mutual and feeling fucked up because I couldn’t be there for him…

This would also be a good moment for my B to go on strike….


21:09 (09:09 PM)

I’m in bed… Exhausted ๐Ÿ™ . (Could that be because the food is cooked in psychiatric drugs?)

I hope someone will free me from here and offer me shelter… ๐Ÿ™ I really don’t want to talk to these “health care professionals” anymore. All they do is tell me to quit chasing my dreams…

Authority problem:

This is not good for my heart ๐Ÿ™ . Spending time with me is a privilege and this industry just claims it. The same goes for my parents. I want to be free ๐Ÿ™ . Truly free!

I’m glad to have found ways to get through the day:

I hope they won’t mind that I posted that picture… I just find it important that the world knows what’s going on here. And I needed some time away from my mother, who, every conversation, tells me that this is what I need.

I want to spend time with people who I can trust, who won’t think of sending me to a place like this. Fucking often ๐Ÿ™ .

I really hope someone will bail me out 😿 . Please don’t let my mind be shrinked further ๐Ÿ™ .

I’ll be laking until I pass out. Still hungry, by the way, but I prefer eating natural foods, so I’ll just ignore the sound of my stomach… Maybe eat some almonds…

Good night ♥


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Crisis Center Day 2 [Wednesday, May 29, 2019]

09:11 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I slept quite well, for the first time in a long time ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m going to join the breakfast table… For the sake of giving myself some more rest, I’ll mainly be writing instead of typing, today.

But before I reduce my typing here (and on Twitter):

Last night, I started to write down an outline of the way I would give myself a diagnosis:

I can do most of it myself… I only need someone who can understand what I write down…

I only wish to speak to someone who is open to give me a second opinion. I have no patience with those who only focus on that lie of a dossier, from 2017-2018, where I never found peace in their “You don’t cooperate, we’re guessing you’re a schizophrenic and you have to accept our diagnosis.” And every session then was about having to accept the diagnosis. That was traumatic and very disrespectful… I refuse to speak to those who continue to treat me like that.

I don’t understand how the fact that I’m rather here than at home, doesn’t ring a bell??? I’m used to a better quality of living…

Waiting for the staff to finish their meeting, so that I might be allowed to fry an egg… Under supervision…

I’ll show you my self-analysis, when I’m done ๐Ÿ™‚ .


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Crisis Center Day 1 [Tuesday, May 28, 2019]

01:08 (AM)

I just ate some bread and left-overs. I’m at a more comfortable location than in 2017. This is an open vicinity. In 2017, I was in the closed vicinity.

I wasn’t allowed to record the intake. But I still recorded a short piece, before I was told to shut off my phone and prove that it was off. (My god x_x.) I’ll just keep it for my own administraton, but won’t share the audio file on here. I don’t want to upset those who have authority over me, here…

The conclusion of the conversation was that we don’t like each other and the man doesn’t know and understand why I’m here. I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope…

One of the questions he asked me, is if I hear a voice in my head or see things that are not there. I told him “No”. That’s a “diagnosing with schizophrenia again” question, and The Head Cuddle is not schizophrenia.

The max of days to stay here is 5. What will we be doing afterwards, my Graeynissis? I hope you’ll just be here today already… ๐Ÿ™ I’m so lonely ๐Ÿ™ .

The Fangs brushing teeth before going to sleep

I use that tiny bottle of hotel soap for hand soap. And I didn’t take my wig along because fuck ittt. I don’t find it pretty anymore and would like to purchase a different one. Plus letting my natural hair breathe more often…

So I told you I was going to end up here, and I really hope you’ll anticipate on this with the knowledge you have from keeping up with me over a year of blog posting…

I’m going to sleep.

Good night โ™ฅ


03:06 (AM)

I’m still awake…

In theory, after a bad night of sleep, just taking it slow the next day still feels good. But I don’t know if I’ll be expected to participate in group activities… From past experiences, I know everyone is woken up for breakfast at 8 o’ clock.

About the following passage in this post: “I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere ๐Ÿ™‚ . I hope…”: I mean that the situation at home was becoming too unbearable, and I really shouldn’t go back there, but without Graeynissis I can do business with, I can never seal that freedom. Never. Therapeutic conversations won’t solve my problems. Money will…

I just desire to have my own house ๐Ÿ™ .

I really hope you’ll visit me here with flowers, and do a cool business proposal…

I really don’t feel that safe around people who have been in institutions for decades, deprived off sex, and psychological warfare type therapists, taking into consideration the financial benefits of being a patient…

So how do I get out of here and never go back to my parents’ house ever again? I can’t do that without you…


07:44 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I hope you’re doing good ๐Ÿ™‚ . I managed to sleep some and feel like sleeping some more. I also feel like screaming, but I really shouldn’t…

My mother has been threatening to send me here for sooo long. I hope she’s happy to see the result with her own eyes. I don’t want her to visit me, because that would be too much mental torture.

So I’ll be hiding here until I’m forced to blend in with “the group of like-minded people here”… Help ๐Ÿ™ . It feels like my case with Dr. Crutzen all over again…


08:05 (AM)

Still in bed ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m officially not allowed to report to the world how things go around here… I don’t want to witness it another day, either. Honestly, this is where I want to start my reform of this system.

There should be much more political attention for the way people are treated here!


08:34 (AM)

Still laying here…

I’ve been all by myself for so much more time I’ve been in someone else’s company ๐Ÿ™ .

I don’t want to live through this psychological warfare again ๐Ÿ™ .


08:49 (AM)

Meanwhile I live with the constant thought of people masturbating with the thought of me. It’s not a taboo, but my actual reason for broadcasting is not sex, but the law and leadership… I hope you’ll approach me for the right reasons…

I should get out of bed… But I’m wearing shorts…


09:05 (AM)

At the closed vicinity and EMC, you’re woken up for breakfast. Here not, I see. That’s good. I feel so much worry and pain – because what if my Graeynissis won’t have my back by showing up here… ๐Ÿ™ I don’t want to have therapy conversations and introduce myself… I’m too sad and worried, to act as if everything is fine ๐Ÿ™ .


10:08 (AM)

Okay, I’m going to get out of bed… I hope I won’t be harrassed… I’m a bit scared… But often things turn out less bad than I project them to be. Last time, I got along with the “fellow patients” very well ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Also, I forgot to bring along make-up remover, which I want to go buy, but I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of having to hand in my room key when I leave the building. Some of the things I’ve taken with me, are quite valuable…

Such as this classic ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a much better view than at home ๐Ÿ˜€


11:02 (AM)

There’s an authority problem here…


11:38 (AM)

Therapeutic conversations make me want to die even more…

I say I can’t be at home, because I want a share of family capital and I say most of my “relatives” are mafia. And the therapist says that she thinks that is a symptom of schizophrenia. How about she’s a schizophrenic for even considering me to be a schizophrenic? Kanker zooi.

I want my medical record destroyed. I need a second opinion from abroad…

I’m going to take a shower…


15:56 (03:56 PM)

Twitter highlights:

I’m quick to post, because any snake can kill me at any second. They do not have the right to force me to stop blogging!!! Not even at the closed vicinity that should have never even been said by that bitch that has definitely made the “Who is not allowed on Planet Fang” list on my mind… Who would be on your list? ๐Ÿ™‚


20:47 (08:47 PM)

I didn’t have to pack after all ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m glad that the acute dienst was able to see that moving me to the closed vicinity is completely unnecessary.

The past makes me very defensive against those who work in the psychiatric industry. And I think sometimes I’m very right for doing that. Like today, for example. She could have taken my freedom away just like that, and if my blog weren’t here, no one would know the unlawful situation I’d be put in.

But today’s conversation with the acute dienst (of which I have no recording), made me realize that not all people in this industry are (so) unnecessarily and painfully authoritarian (it should be illegal).

To me, a real psychiatrist is an extraordinarily good conversationalist, and not someone who is just going down the list of DSM definitions, to see if there’s a match, and then prescribe some pills… This system doesn’t allow me to choose who I share my deepest secrets with. (They might as well get me killed by mafia. My blog is just the surface of my secrets, hiding in plain sight…) I’m so very glad that the acute dienst man I spoke yesterday, was here today as well, and that he was able to empathize with me on this!

There’s such a huge difference between someone who specializes in psychiatry (and who is truly passionate about the discipline), and “a basisarts”….

I guess there has been a miscommunication. It’s evident to us all, that there are too many burdens on my mind, to currently rule the business I’m trying to start. I certainly need to have some good conversations about how I truly feel. I know probably all DSM definitions apply to me… The reason why I’m so defensive is because of the disrespectful and derogatory way people are treated within this system.

Of course I want to talk!!! But only when I can start with a clean slate, and when my word, in my medical record, weighs heavier than that of my parents.
Something I’m, however, still, never going to accept, is psychiatric medicines. I need to air out my heart, not damage it further than the antipsychotics already have.

I’m glad I’ll get a chance to speak to the psychiatrist of the vicinity, tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚ . (This far it has been regular doctors, (master) students and nurses…) I’ll start preparing my true, clean slate case, on paper ๐Ÿ™‚ . I like including causality in the way I define my mind (but not everyone is able to understand that). I’m convincing myself that the psychiatrist will understand me. I hope it will be true. It would make me feel a lot less extremely lonely…

I hope I could also hear his view about the psychiatric system, and the things he would like to see change. Maybe even co-write an article with me, so that I still have something for the 30th… But I don’t know if my heart is safe with this person or not, yet, though… Some people, by means of “therapy” just use weak compliments [like “oh wow, that was not that bad,” as insinuating the assumption that it was not going to be good and that it is still not outstanding quality… Those who do that, I still find an absolute disease. I’ve met far too many of them… x_x] to indirectly insult my intelligence and shape me with insecurity…

A simple solution to this hygiene problem I spotted here, is to give every inhabitant here [I find that “patient” sounds pejorative in this situation] his/her own wash cloth:

It’s still cute, though ๐Ÿ™‚

I did bring my own, but just felt like saying this, because of the amount of people that come and go, here…


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Highlights [Monday, May 27, 2019]

00:00 (12:00 AM)

I tweet so much that if I wouldn’t share it here as well, it would be impossible to create an oversight.

So highlights (of highlights):

For more oversight:

  • There will be no book release this 30th. My entire project is put on hold as long as no one participates.


  • Useful powerful people leave their positions and form an alliance with me. (Positions in the government, corporations and classrooms.)
  • We design a new system for when the waterworks are not there anymore, and put that system into practice.
  • There will be a new monetary system.
  • I am innocent.


00:27 (12:27 AM)

My goddd these accusations again…

Ever since I’ve gone missing and my parents betrayed me, everyone always defends them, instead of me (kanker irritant):

Oh and the housing deal is off. It would be a total ripoff for me, and I’d earn from something illegal.


01:57 (AM)

If there were a FIOD raid in this house, and the entire family were taken in for questioning, I would be prepared as fuck. I would be able to defend myself – but still hope my Vicje would like to by my sexy lawyer – so very well. I know my defence, which is the absolute truth, by heart, and you can check my websites for further reference. Enjoy your read ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll also defend my sister – because she’s young, sweet and uninformed. The rest will try to frame us. If they haven’t already… I hope she won’t do that to me ๐Ÿ™ . She’s too young ๐Ÿ™ .


02:27 (AM)

Muy importante:

Ooh en deze ook:

En nu ga ik slapen. Ik zeg altijd wanneer ik ga slapen, zodat je over me zal waken ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

Welterusten liefjes โ™ฅ โ™ฅ


13:41 (01:41 PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

Another day alive and breathing as a family snitch. An important “lesson” I have “learnt” as a child, is that I may never tell anyone about the illegal activities within the family I have always been aware of. With a threatening undertone, softened by future dependency.

They’d make me their money slave after retirement. They often use psychological warfare tactics for fun. There are many more young victims. Those who were raised with the thought that we are blood relatives: family. We’re only fraud relatives, and you should step up, too, if you’re a witness. Fuck the fake family.

All people living off fraud and doing nothing good with it, should be assassinated. That is one of the things I want my future business to do. A bit like SAW…

I ate a piece of picaรฑa and twister fries before bed, and now have diarrhea x_x. This is inconvenient for the small portions of food I keep my vital organs running with. But it’s convenient for my flaming “I’d rather die than continue to live in this illegal hell” feeling. I’ve now eaten a mandarine “for afternoon breakfast”. I’ll eat another one and then shower this watery feces feeling off of me…


15:15 (03:15 PM)

Cute questionnn โ™ฅ

I can’t kill everyone in this fucking mafia kartel, without your help… Please, make me happy…


16:31 (04:31 PM)

More important highlights:

The people I’m thinking of killing:

  1. Denise Ifna Elia-Hanenberg
  2. Sidney Derrick Elia
  3. Michael Dreier
  4. Eric Raymond Chin-Ten-Fung
  5. Pascale Chin-Ten-Fung-Hooyman
  6. Gwendell van Riemsdijk
  7. Everyone spreading bullshit news on social media, frauds, bullies and dumb racists
  8. There are A LOTTTTT of people on my “maybe” list…

I want to do it myself!!!


Piano timeee…


17:22 (05:22 PM)


18:06 (06:06 PM)

I threaten and the police and acute dienst should come to my house in about 45 minutes. I’ll pack a backpack before I start ๐Ÿ™‚ .


18:58 (06:58 PM)

After the world knows you really shouldn’t fuck with Lil Fangs ๐Ÿ™‚ .

It will not be 45 minutes. It’s “After my mother comes back from spontaneously visiting her friend’s house.”

Ga ik ondertussen wel even deze goloks (tochยฟ) schoonmaken…


19:08 (07:08 PM)

Ze zijn schoon & ik ga toch wel maar met eentje naar beneden ipv twee, straks wanneer mijn moeder terug is, want anders heb ik geen hand vrij om te grijpen.

Ik heb trouwens ook alvast ingepakt:

Zorg aub dat ik in het Nederlandse prison system niet extreem onjuist behandeld zal worden…

Still waiting though…


19:21 (07:21 PM)ย 

I’ll give them – les parents – the space to eat something. So that I can gather the family in front of the television, the way we have, so way to fucking often.

I want them dead, but this house is not a safe place to kill them. There are too many snakes in this country.

I genuinely hope you’re looking out for me…


20:08 (08:08 PM)



20:45 (08:45 PM)

I’ve just been prognosed with mania and will probably be taken into an institution again. They’re discussing it now.


21:32 (09:32 PM)

So the three individuals of the acute dienst have just left and the next step is waiting until “Bavo Europoort Poortmolen” has found a different spot to stall me, because they’re full. There are too many crazy people in this town, haha…


Look out for my sister bitte ๐Ÿ™ .

Phones etc. are not allowed, there, so I wonder how Lil Fangs will be treated… Only my sister and other Graeynissis may visit me…


23:14 (11:14 PM)



23:27 (11:27 PM)

My heart hurts ๐Ÿ™ . I hope this will be my last time living through this. Through the conversations that insinuate that I’m mentally insane. I just want to make some political power moves in this world…

I’m waiting for my intake, here in the crisis center…

Need cuddles ๐Ÿ™ .


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Still At It [Sunday, May 26, 2019]

09:48 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

I just ate some yoghurt and a piece of salmon from my parents’ dinner of yesterday. But eating makes me die less fast, so I kind of regret it… I don’t want to perceive life anymore, on the one hand. But on the other hand, I want to rule this world and be kissing my Vicje… ๐Ÿ™

Als je denkt dat ik nu “niet meer mezelf ben”, omdat ik die “Lekker mezelf zijn…” kut post niet meer update, dan zit je ernaast. Na vrijdag de 17de, zag ik mijn kans om mijn Cold Case nog te kunnen heropenen en winnen, verloren.

I’m going back to sleep xxx


11:50 (AM)

Sunday viewsss…

Need Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .


12:39 (PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ .

“Oh wow, it finally seems as if people are starting to notice me ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

Happy me…


13:20 (01:20 PM)

My patience is gone. Stop thinking that I can’t fucking handle reality. My reality is worse than yours. I will see more blood flow than anyone else ever has, and I will be the cause. Because I fucking want it. Please, make me happy.

And if you’re a female in an abusive relationship, and you love me and the says asshole does, too: I mean you, not him, sweetie โ™ฅ .

I really need to speak to the world, to indexate, before we start killing…

But only when you allow me to heist all media myself… Then, I’ll be “The Fangs”


14:49 (02:49 PM)


16:56 (04:56 PM)

Bitte… ๐Ÿ™ You have so many reasons to!


17:52 (05:52 PM)

Reasons like these ones:

“Of iets anders?” = the insecurity that comes from mental torture. Another reason…:

The empty nest syndrome of everyone except me is another reason why.


18:10 (06:10 PM)

Who just logged me out of my administrator panel? Fuck you ๐Ÿ™‚ . Cyber bully ๐Ÿ™ .

To other people: I can sense your attraction to me. Don’t hide it. Especially don’t be ashamed of it. Embrace it! Embrace me! ๐Ÿ˜€ The Fangs deserves some real love, too…

The Fangs heeft alleen tijd voor zaken… โ™ฅ

Ik stel een kolonne van auto’s voor. Allemaal met kogelwerend glas. We zijn waarschijnlijk pas veilig wanneer we de grens over zijn… Daar kunnen we veilig vergaderen ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Maar eerst kanen? Alleen wanneer ik wat Cishes van jou krijg, wil ik eten ๐Ÿ™ .


18:46 (06:46 PM)

The birds are telling me I’ll get Cishes soon, I hear. These powerful Dutch birds who sound louder than a zillion cars and children’s cheers, altogether…

Someone please tell me why I’m, from downstairs, hearing a knife being sharpened, for over 5 minutes? A fist fight would be more fair ๐Ÿ™ .


19:29 (07:29 PM)

I’m writing history, and you have been written out of the story…


20:13 (08:13 PM)ย 

I’m a cyber fraud, sometimes 😂. But I really need this power…

I’ve expressed myself a few times in this way, asking myself a question with recognizable wording, because I didn’t have the inspiration to start about detailed sex on here. Some statements I make about sex, should be taken with a grain of salt. I find safe sex very important. Physically safe and no unwanted pregnancies…

But this is some serious advice: disregard all of your family’s sex tips. When they’re “modern tips”, speaking from my own perspective.

Other statements shouldn’t be taken with a grain of salt… These ASKfm questions have increased my craving for Vicje even more… 😻

I already had A LOT of trouble playing it cool, the last time I saw him. The ocean he creates in my panties, when I see him, will most certainly be bigger next time. I’ve been fantasizing tooo much! 😻

Literally too much… I don’t even know him that well. I don’t even know if he’s an Angel or not ๐Ÿ™ . (That takes more time, to recognize. Of some people I know for 22 years, I also still don’t know.)

I really hope he’s one of my Angels. He is the most attractive person on my mind. (With A LOT of competition, though…) I wish I could have more alone time with him. Really alone… Office parties, with people staring at us, are not the same. (Not saying that I never want to party with him and other people at the same time!)

Because I have these feelings for him, I am so afraid to get hurt, because of past experiences with other people ๐Ÿ™ .

The Summer holiday season is approaching (?) and my ego has been too damaged because of his staff rejecting my job applications all the time. I’ll never apply again. And yes, staff, you got me: I just want to be there – at the ANWB – to steal your boss and make your job obsolete. I’ll succeed, somehow ๐Ÿ™‚ . Because the insurance system in this country is unhealthy and really should be reformed. That he’s hot as well is just a blessing 😻

But stealing my Vicje and him then becoming my labor free sexy Graeyniss, has a lot of benefits. This is how I imagine picture day:

We’re in the office library of the office home of our mansion. The walls are twice his height. The right wall is a robust book case, in front of which there’s a large classical conference table.

We’re facing the camera man, who is taking pictures for our campaign.
Victor places his right hand on my right shoulder. With straightened chests, we look into the camera, looking very powerful. He’s wearing a grey suit with a black tie, I’m wearing a white blouse, a short grey skirt and high socks. A few pictures are snapped.
I place my left hand on top of his right hand and tilt my head towards it, closing my eyes. Again, a few pictures are snapped.

I don’t know if my fantasy will ever become reality, and I don’t know if this will get my heart broken, so I feel very hesitant with sharing this.

It’s embarrassing – especially because I don’t know his feelings and I don’t know who my father is – but to still complete the story, as I promised, I’ll fast-forward it: I grab his tie and pull him towards me, starting to kiss him. Push him on a brown leather couch, sitting on top of him, still kissing, going all wild. Camera man is still taking pictures. Sometimes we look into the camera.

I kiss his erection through his pants, et cetera. Later he lifts me up and lays me down on the conference table, et cetera…. 😻 😻 😻

He might now certainly know that I’ll be thinking of this, when I see him…? I hope he receives my brain-to-brain communication signal… 😻



22:29 (10:29 PM)

All I’ve eaten today is that yoghurt and that piece of salmon… I don’t want to have this room as my home anymore ๐Ÿ™ . But it’s still better than subjecting myself to mental slavery…


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Een verhaaltje

Er was eens een Nigeriaanse prins, die de mooiste ogen en de grootste intelligentie van het hele land had.

Hij ontmoette Queen Fangs op een dronken avond, beiden niet wetende dat ze Queen Fangs heet. (Verzin dit ter plekke…)

They have had very good chemistry. Too good, some would say…

Beiden worden ze regelmatig gediscrimineerd. Ze zijn daarom bang voor liefde. Zo bang dat ze elkaar veel pijn hebben gedaan.

Het wantrouwen werd te groot, toen Fangs niet durfde te zeggen dat ze de geur van zijn adem en smaak van zijn speeksel niet lekker vindt, en dat ze zich onzeker en een beetje beledigd voelde, omdat hij in een jaar tijd nog nooit in haar mond klaargekomen is.

The end.


Blog, Explicit Content, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Not Dead Yet… [Friday, May 24, 2019]

10:45 (AM)ย 

In reference to yesterday:

Dumb fucking algorithm…

This is a popular post AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(It only has 12 views, why my most popular post has 2000+ views. This is sarcasm…)
15:50 (03:50 PM)

It’s not 22 people. Just The Fangs…


16:48 (04:48 PM)


21:40 (09:40 PM)

Wow, 36 ๐Ÿ™‚

This bloodlust is driving me crazy yoooo… Hunger is also driving me crazy, still. Barbaren bederven mijn eetlust…


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Voting Day [Thursday, May 23, 2019]

12:58 (PM)

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

I decided to resort to a less painful method, yesterday, and am still here. So I can vote ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’ll get to that right away now. After that, continuing this method, I can even still work on my websites ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’ll get to that! &Please please do not copy the behavior that comes with my suicidal tendencies ๐Ÿ™ .

Yesterday, I impulsively named my post “campaigning D.O.C.I.S.”, showing more of the definition of that in practice, which was followed by a wave of sadness, because it is so hard for me to find the appreciation I need for success.

I would like to have a self selected security team around me… My income doesn’t say that I need that. But I think the way people treat me, really shows that I do need that. This proves people are very biased about me:

People really don’t believe me, when I say that the D.O.C.I.S. includes selecting who to keep alive, based on intelligence. I remember everyone who hurts me.


14:21 (02:21 PM)

Voting day “swag”…


15:41 (03:41 PM)

The awful truth… It should start with my parents having a double nationality, the way they should have, from the start. But they were born as Dutch people, in one of the many (former) colonies. If they adapt, I could become entitled to have a say in the reform of that country as well, taking the same double nationality (and becoming president…).

I didn’t expect this Catje’s name on that list… He has, this campaigning period, been the face of the party, but not that of his party in Europe, so I’m voting “standard”, assuming that any party win means that all Dutch people leave their European coalitions… (En een Europees parlement, en een nationaal parlement, en een Eerste en Tweede Kamer… Die constructie is sowieso veels te deep-state gevoelig…)

I love children’s curiosity! Parents should motivate that and extensively teach them everything they want to know ๐Ÿ™‚ .

For the D.O.C.I.S. International website, I’m switching from the Sublime Text editor trial, to Notepad++.

18:47 (06:47 PM)

I added some text to this page on the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I think my site looks very pretty ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I’m tired now :(. That must partially be because of the silent hunger strike I’m on, or something… By means of reducing my suffering, I do have eaten some fruit and a few banana crisps… I can still feel my body weaken, though. This is a slow process ๐Ÿ™ . Life is so boring to me. I wish I could make my experience of it, stop in a successful instant. I don’t want to try a method of which I’m not sure of its effectiveness.

I’m a sad Catje .


19:24 (07:24 PM)

In case you wonder if I really want to die: if my only alternative is to be stuck in my parents house: absolutely yes. If people would not be dumb fucking snakes I all want to give headshots, and buy my book or donate some money to me, my fate could have been different.

By reading about the days of my life, you are a witness of the death of me. Doing nothing… You don’t give a fuck, do you?


23:51 (11:51 PM)



Explanations… Het antwoord op de vragen, staat in het document zelf.


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Campaigning D.O.C.I.S…. [Wednesday, May 22, 2019]

02:13 (AM)

Weet je waarom ik eigenlijk niets zei, toen er vragen gesteld konden worden…? Omdat ik anders ruzie zou starten…

Zie dit als een krantenkop: “Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?”

Wie is dan wie, in de deep-state? I’m still trying to dissolve it…

Ik heb niet genoeg ruimte om dan te zeggen: “De lijsttrekker is niet elke stem in de partij. Als in het gebeurt mede in zijn naam, maar hij gaat daar niet zitten.” Dus het volgende is niet op hem van toepassing:

“Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?” Waarom ga je daar dan in de eerste instantie heen? Ga dan toch helemaal niet? Het klinkt toch een beetje…. Jaa dom…?

Als de media die discussie daarover begint op een live stream, zou ik iets negatiefs doen tegenover degene die ik juist wil steunen.

Ik moet mijn websites afmaken, maar ik ben moe… Ik heb honger, en zou – later pas terwijl mijn maag nu knort – boodschappen moeten doen, omdat ik, hoewel ik alles dat me eetbaar lijkt, eet, zelfs niet al het verse eten in Nederland, lekker vind… Ah help x_x.

Nexit betekent toch: “Niet naar het buitenland gaan, om over de problemen in je eigen land te discussiรซren, en handel op basis van individuele bondgenootschappen, in plaats van vriendjespolitiek.” ยฟ

Brexit, Nexit, Espexit, Frexit, Itexit, Dexit… That’s it ๐Ÿ˜€ . #DOCIS…
10:50 (AM)

Ik werd wakker met twee dilemma’s:

  1. Ik wil zelfmoord plegen, maar mijn moeder is thuis.
  2. Ik probeer te sterven van de honger – want ik wil echt niet naar de supermarkt – maar dat lukt me nooit.

Ik ben de manier waarop ik word behandeld echt ZO FUCKING ZAT.

  2. De mensen die nog steeds denken dat ik zwakbegaafd ben, tegen wie ik beleefd blijf omdat, wanneer ik diegene met eigen handen het leven ontneem, ik zo veel meer haters zal krijgen dat ik nergens meer veilig zal zijn. Ik ben in mijn eigen fucking huis NIET EENS FUCKING VEILIG.

Iedereen kent mij serieus zogenaamd niet? Voor wat er TWEE JAAR GELEDEN gebeurde, was ik al een aardig bekend gezicht. Erna… Jullie publiciteit heeft mijn imago levenslang internationaal beschadigd. Het enige wat ik nog kan doen is ertegenin schreeuwen en laten zien DAT IK TOCH ECHT HELEMAAL ZELF MIJN FUCKING VETERS KAN STRIKKEN. “Pas op de FUCKING GROTE RUIMTE TUSSEN DE DEUR EN WAAR JE NU STAAT.” IK BEN NIET FUCKING BLIND!?! IK WIL JE FUCKING HULP NIET.


De maat is echt vol na meer dan twee uur te hebben GESTAAAAAAAAAAAN. Lil Fangs een stoel aanbieden? Lil Fangs spreektijd geven? Lil Fangs een mail laten sturen naar “Je praat te lang?” Nee. Ik ben de beste schrijfster in de hele fucking wereld, en je weet het.

Ik wil echt nooit meer naar buiten. Ik wil graag geen mensen meer zien, horen en spreken. Ik wil niet meer tot na de verkiezingen wachten, met mijn volgende poging. Weet je hoe erg ik programmeren eigenlijk haat? En waarom probeer ik het eigenlijk nog?

Eenzaamheid is dodelijk.


11:51 (AM)ย 

Ik heb echt zin om de hele dag in mijn bed te blijven liggen. Maar dan krijg ik sowieso weer gezeik over dat ik niets doe. Dat incasseren dan maar…

Mijn dilemma is echt grappig. Gewoon die “Wat doe je?”, wanneer ik mezelf probeer te verhangen.

Een akelig feit: het aantal views van deze post is nep. I was so bold to add a 2, when there were 22 views. So now there actually are 38 views, instead of 238. This is, in actuality, not a popular post.

I can never be popular, because I’m consciously using an overly stigmatized name, and after the “”SHE’S MISSING” *”two minutes later”* “SHE’S NOT MISSING ANYMORE””-campaign [comes with the looks…], I became stigmatized as publicity poison. (That’s why I’m very fond of my publicity poison idols. Who are unfortunately breaking my heart with their political distance…)

Ik ga het nog steeds proberen, hoor. Eerst even wachten tot ze weg is. Lig nog steeds in bed. Met dezelfde honger.


12:51 (PM)ย 

Dat ik doodga als een soort Rembrandt, doet me het meeste pijn. “Pas ontdekt nadat haar familie haar levenloze lichaam in huis vond.” De haat die ik voel is werkelijk grenzeloos, omdat ik in realiteit niet onbekend ben, maar gewoon genegeerd word.


13:47 (01:47 PM)ย 

I don’t want to die not knowing who my biological father is. I know I love him very dearly.

After this painful B situation, the new theories about the deep-state in my life, sound so crazy:

Did I dream that “B’s doppelganger” [my B is the person on the other side of my brain-to-brain communication] attempted to have sex with me in an isolation cell in the police station here, or did that actually happen?

Is it possible that, three years ago, twice there was a different lecturer, who looked a lot like the man I met – together with my mother and a friend of her – last Friday, and that he was there because he loves me so much?

There at two lectures, the office once and the police station after COPS I WANT TO KILL SOOOOOOOO FUCKING BADDDDDDDDDDDD forced me to sip their cup of poisonous shit and put me in an isolation cell, because brain-to-brain communication is still real and in my head I keep telling him that he has very good reasons to just say fuck it and come spend far too much time with me ๐Ÿ™ .

Ik kan met droge ogen dood willen gaan en traumas herleven, omdat dat altijd al mijn hele leven is geweest. Ik schrijf nog steeds alleen pas in detail over de afgelopen twee jaar. Daarvoor was het niet veel beter. Ik mis mijn opa nog steeds, omdat we zulke goede zakenpartners geweest hadden kunnen zijn ๐Ÿ™ . En hij was zo lief ๐Ÿ™ . Mensen met een karakter als dat van hem, zijn bijna uitgestorven ๐Ÿ™ .


14:09 (02:09 PM)ย 

I am now so clueless about who my B is… I’d kill to see those luminescent turquoise eyes again. He’s so tall that without making myself smaller, I can rest my head against his chest…

Sympathize with me on this one:

  • I finished my gymnasium in 7 years.
  • I’m black.
  • I quit the international economicsย  programme I had been allowed into, after 3 months already.
  • I’m female.
  • I’m tall.
  • My voice is deep but still feminine (it’s my height and that fucking Dutch food).
  • I went missing “for two minutes”.
  • I might be part Italian, which would mean that my last name is very incorrect. Italian people are often discriminated (sometimes in ways worse than black people are treated) in the Netherlands (and still it’s one of the top Dutch holiday locations… Ga jij eens heeeel gauw Nexit…).
  • I live in a white country. In the country where my roots lie, I’m seen as white. Here, “I’m black.”
  • My family will assassinate me, if I tell the truth about them.
  • Because I’m very intelligent, I can’t communicate smoothly with some.
  • My style is too intuitive for some to understand it without an extensive explanation.

Do you understand why I ask for your genuine sympathy?


14:41 (02:41 PM)ย 

Here I go again, starting something over “nothing”:

Harassment, de kaboela bus, culture pressure to behave like the flock… There are so many topics I have a very extensive opinion about…
15:35 (03:35 PM)

Still waiting to hear the alarm system indicate that someone is leaving the house… Then I can at least eat something and smoke “the enemy of the state” indica I bought yesterday.


15:49 (03:49 PM)

Hear hear…

Finally, it’s time for a peaceful lonely first meal of the day…


Blog, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

Lekker mezelf zijn terwijl die hartverscheurende Cold Case helaas nog steeds niet is afgesloten

– – – – 09/05/’19


Ik heb me echt lang niet zo vrij gevoeld.

Wat mijn blog content betreft val ik ontzettend in herhaling. Minstens tot en met mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen, zal ik daarom offline zijn. Wel zal ik af en toe mijn e-mail checken, dus als je me wil bereiken, kan dat via

Ik werd zo geconsumeerd door het schrijven om mijn concept en identiteit te definiรซren, dat ik vergat dat alles online eigenlijk waardeloos is.

Ik hoop dat de technologie zich zodanig verder zal ontwikkelen, dat het concept van de online persoonlijkheid zal verdwijnen, en het leven zelf een uiterst bovennatuurlijke ervaring wordt. Daar zet ik me voor in.

En voor Cuddles ๐Ÿ˜€ . Because I love youuu ♥

Ik wil mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen sowieso op camera vastleggen. Hopelijk zien jullie vanaf dan (of misschien zelfs eerder al) mijn ware, (monocratische, maar open voor goed advies) gezicht.

Tot snel, mijn lief ♥

– – – – 06/05/’19

De Rest van de Strategie

Het filmpje hierboven is belangrijke uitleg. Verder is, zoals de afgelopen twee jaar, mijn strategie wachten tot ik dr. Crutzen na die ontzettend lange tijd eindelijk mag zien en we verder kunnen praten over hoe we het Stratagem eindelijk in de praktijk kunnen brengen, featuring other Graeynissis ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Morgen ga ik een nieuw filmpje in het Nederlands maken, tenzij mijn bevrijding vervroegd wordt (is wat ik iedere dag hoop, meer dan de afgelopen twee jaar).

Youtube & korte filmpjes

Mijn publiceren is op dit moment lekker all over the place en hier zijn dus nog wat meer filmpjes die nog niet in dit “artikel” stonden, in semi-publicatievolgorde:

Ik ga nu mijn powerpoint voor mijn praten over de link tussen Fangyisme en D.O.C.I.S. International afmaken, dat filmen en koken. Of mijn filmpje voor of na het eten af is weet ik nog niet… xxx

– – – – 01/05/’19


Normaal gesproken deel ik in mijn dagboek dat ik aan het koken ben. Vandaag deed ik dat op Instagram ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Beetje beschamend, want het kan natuurlijk niet op tegen al die gelikte kookvideos die je overal kan zien.)


Ik heb ook een filmpje gedeeld van toen ik piano aan het spelen was & toen ik in de sportschool was.

Mijn hoeveelheid volgers, likes, views et cetera is echt zwaar deprimerend.

– – – – 29/04/’19

Praten tegen een muur

Zo voelt dit. Dit is niet het eind resultaat van mijn werk. Maar dat wist je natuurlijk al, omdat je alles al gelezen hebt :). [Dat was mijn depressie gecombineerd met PTSS die zich uitte in deze sarcastische opmerking die is veroorzaakt door het treurige feit dat iemand die nu pas begint met kijken waar dit allemaal eigenlijk over gaat, zo veel in te halen heeft dat de manier waarop er op deze strategie geanticipeerd zou moeten worden, voor diegene niet 1 2 3 duidelijk is.]

– – – 25/04/’19

Ik wil echt godverdomme uit huis

Het is weer “business as usual”. Het probleem is dat ik dit leven achter me wil laten – inclusief de mensen – maar ik hiervoor het kapitaal niet heb. Ik ga hoe dan ook vandaag weg. Ook al slaap ik weer minstens 3 dagen buiten, net als in 2017. Ik ben zooo klaar met deze man. Echt. Hier eerst een voorproefje.ย 


Intussen doe ik wat web en social media onderhoud. Ik ben onder andere bezig met het instellen van Push Notificaties, zodat ik binnenkort geen gebruik meer hoef te maken van andere social media. Heb jij het notificatieverzoek al gekregen?

– – – – 23/04/’19

Ik ben moe

Na meer dan een jaar lang continu een lange en diverse reeks aan boeken en blog posts schrijven – die niemand leest – voelen mijn hersenen aan alsof ze het ieder moment kunnen begeven. Ik ben daardoor ook te vermoeid – en pici teleurgesteld – om te denken aan een nieuwe low-budget (door de diversiteit, mijn ongeschooldheid en mijn lage inkomen kan ik geen aanspraak maken op kapitaal) manier om mijn concept te innoveren, omdat dat me weer veel tijd en hersencapaciteit gaat kosten. Daarnaast vind ik dat mijn andere publicaties nog niet genoeg aandacht hebben gekregen voor iets nieuws.

Dus dit artikel zal steeds bovenaan blijven staan, omdat ik de datum zal blijven updaten naar de datum waarop ik een stuk tekst toevoeg ๐Ÿ™‚ . Intussen wacht ik ook op de heropening van mijn Cold Case (over mijn vermissing, over de onterechte imagoschade en privacyschending, over de criminele manier waarop de politie me heeft behandeld, over de onterechte diagnose schizofrenie en de hartverscheurende gevolgen daarvan, de manier waarop ik mijn hele leven al financieel aan de grond gehouden word, et cetera), die als het goed is mid-mei plaatsvindt. (Maar intussen heb ik nog steeds geen vast inkomen ๐Ÿ™ . Ik kan pas echt goed werken wanneer mijn naam gezuiverd is en niet meer als schizofreen word gestigmatiseerd.)



Sinds de publicatie van dit artikel (de 21ste van de maand April), ben ik zeer actief geweest op Twitter, voor promotie. Ik kon het ook niet laten om me gelijk met allerlei politieke discussies te bemoeien.

Voor het behouden van een uitlaatklep, terwijl ik mijn hersenen wat rust geef en wacht tot mijn publicaties hun welverdiende aandacht hebben gehad (GRRRRR OP MINSTENS DE ZELFDE SCHAAL ALS DIE LEUGEN VAN EEN VERMISSINGSCAMPAGNE), zal ik daar nu wat actiever op zijn.

Het is ook een wat toegankelijkere manier van corresponderen, voor mensen die eerst nog wat meer willen zien voordat ze mijn blog bezoeken.

Solliciteren = huilen

Als ik een euro zou krijgen voor elke keer dat een bedrijf/recruiter/whatever me een, “Probeer het maar ergens anders,” bericht heeft gestuurd, zou ik inmiddels met pensioen kunnen.

En dat terwijl ik eigenlijk absoluut niet in loondienst wil gaan werken. Ik wil graag een baan die bij mijn intelligentie past, maar de meeste banen voor mijn leeftijd en opleidingsniveau, vallen zwaar onder dat niveau.

Het allerliefst zou ik voor vele bedrijven en individuen als een inhuurbare propagandist werken. Met kortetermijncontracten. Maar daarvoor heb ik een netwerk en aanbevelingen nodig, en die heb ik beiden niet ๐Ÿ™ .


Indien je/u meer achtergrondinformatie over dit blog wil, raad ik de volgende zoektermen aan: (Door die termen te zoeken, door op de loep rechtsbovenaan het scherm te klikken, vind u/je namelijk een aantal typische Lil Fangs blogberichten.)

  • Schizophrenia / psychotic / psychosis / psychotisch / schizofrenie (= dat ongevraagde wat ik probeer aan te vechten, want ik ben het niet met dat stigma eens)
  • Missing
  • Justice
  • Police
  • Nosce Te Ipsum
  • D.O.C.I.S. International
  • The Head Cuddle / brain-to-brain communication (is hetzelfde, maar The Head Cuddle is mijn zelfverzonnen dialect voor het device)
  • Sea level / water level / zeespiegel
  • My B

– – – 21/04/’19


Het grappigste van deze hele website is dat ik mezelf steeds uitdruk in het Engels, terwijl dat mijn eerste taal helemaal niet is. Ik vind gewoon dat de politieke verwevenheid van Nederland in alle andere landen ter wereld gewoon een keer goed onder de loep genomen moet worden (want hier is veeeeel meer aan de hand), en dat we dat moeten gebruiken als het begin van de nu zeer hoog nodige internationale hervorming (een voorbeeld van een internationale connectie is het Nederlands belastingsysteem dat als een mafiabaas is die altijd “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY!?” schreeuwt, zodra je hier een cent verdiend hebt of hier geboren bent, en dat dat echt anders moet [het noemt zichzelf een belastingparadijs (Google het maar: “Nederland belastingparadijs”), maar dat is geen waarheid, maar valse marketing en PR], want dat geld wordt niet goed besteed), en daarvoor wil ik mezelf als uitgangspunt gebruiken, gezien mijn extreem diverse lijst van talenten, aspiraties, gewoontes en wettelijke wensen. Het Engels is een een stuk toegankelijkere taal. (Het wordt meer gesproken, wereldwijd onderwezen en cursussen zijn heeeeel makkelijk te vinden, ongeacht waar je woont. Maar gelukkig kan er ook online vertaald worden – gezien deze post in het Nederlands is – hoewel dat niet altijd even accuraat is.)

Dit is stiekem wel een heel interessant verhaal

Daarnaast zullen veel verschillende mensen zich kunnen herkennen in mijn verhaal. Dat ik bijvoorbeeld zwart ben, maar de Nederlandse nationaliteit mijn enige nationaliteit is, is een lang verhaal dat begint met slavernij, wat ik met vele andere kleurlingen [denk bijvoorbeeld aan African-Americans (die niet weten waar hun voorouders precies vandaan komen ๐Ÿ™ ) en Nederland dat (slavenkolonie) Nieuw Amsterdam ( = New York) aan de Britten overgaf, in ruil voor Suriname] gemeen heb. Er zijn misschien zelfs meer Surinamers uit Suriname in Nederland, dan er Surinamers in Suriname zijn. Het is niet echt te tellen, want eens was Suriname onderdeel van het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden (tot 1975). En mijn geboorteplaats is Rotterdam. Ik ben, van mijn familie, de derde generatie in Nederland.

“Ojo Lil Fangs is altijd vet onduidelijk waar gaat het nou eigenlijk over ze legt het niet eens uit bla bla bla”

Ik heb deze post gemaakt omdat ik in de stemming ben om mijn gedachten zo puur mogelijk te delen, en die betrekking hebben op zo veel verschillende onderwerpen, dat ik het maar op deze manier ga aanpakken. Ik denk dat het een fijnere gebruikerservaring is, wanneer je niet naar een volgend artikel hoeft door te klikken voor de volgende dag. Vandaar dat het nu รฉรฉn artikel wordt voor alle levensfilosofie en random gedachten, zolang ik nog in deze beroerde situatie leef. Met mijn eigen verdere bezigheden zal ik u wekelijks updaten ๐Ÿ™‚ . Ik voeg alles aan deze post toe, tot ik eindelijk gehoor heb gekregen wat betreft mijn cold case. Ik ben geen schizofreen en had die diagnose NOOOOOOOOOOOIT mogen krijgen. (Dat verhaal komt in vrijwel iedere persoonlijke post voor [voorbeeldje] en ik houd er eigenlijk echt niet van om mezelf meer dan twee keer te herhalen omdat mensen de moeite niet willen nemen om te lezen wat ik nog meer heb geschreven. (Zo erg dat ik er pittig fel van kan worden.))

Een beetje respect zou ik wel fijn vinden

Ik wil echt veel liever met “u” aangesproken worden, trouwens. Vooral omdat mensen echt fuuuuucking respectloos zijn tegen mij, en ze dan alsnog fucking respect van mij verwachten!? Ik wil dan dat het de gewoonte wordt om me met “u” aan te spreken, omdat ik in mijn verbale communicatie altijd mijn best doe om lief en respectvol voor iemand te zijn. Plus, ik wil graag wat meer respect voor mijn intelligentie. Vooral van mensen die echt fucking dom รฉn respectloos zijn. Ik doe dit namelijk ook voor hen.

Waarom nog meer Nederland als startpunt?

Publieke stock trading begon met de Nederlandse piraterij en slavernij. De VOC en later ook de WIC. (Voel je vrij om de feiten te controleren door je eigen onderzoek te doen, in case you do not believe me.) Vandaag de dag zijn vele mensenlevens verweven in de aandelenmarkt. (Niet de mijne, in de zin van zelf geen aandelen bezitten. Maar in mijn omgeving hebben ONTZETTENDDDD veel mensen aandelen. En volgens mij zijn de Nederlandse pensioenfondsen nu afhankelijk van bitcoins en wapenhandel. (Dat men รผberhaupt nog steeds denkt dat een pensioenfonds de verdere vergrijzing aan zal kunnen…… Het is echt tijd voor hervorming.)) Ik heb de correlatie tussen de aandelenmarkt en uitstoot al een aantal keren uitgelegd. En waarom de waarde van geld gebaseerd zou moeten worden op wat er op dit moment in de natuur beschikbaar is ( = niet zo veel). We moeten het gesprek dat werkelijk gevoerd moet worden – dat gesprek waarvoor velen wegdeinzen [haha I see you ๐Ÿ™‚ ] – ECHTTTTT NIET langer uit de weg gaan.

Gemeenheid is onderdeel van de Nederlandse cultuur, en dit verspreidt zich over andere culturen, als een soort epidemie. Niet alleen door het piraten- en slavernijverleden (die als “heldendaden” worden gezien). Een ander voorbeeld is dat vele Nederlanders een gesprek beginnen door middel van een belediging.

Gisteren, bijvoorbeeld, toen ik door de supermarkt liep met een trench coat aan, terwijl de rest van de mensen in t-shirts en korte jurkjes enzo rond liep, en ik een verre kennis tegen het lijf liep, was het eerste wat hij tegen me zei, nadat ik hem begroet had met “Hallo” en hem later weer tegen het lijf liep in een ander deel van de winkel, “Je ziet er uit alsof het winter is,” zei. En als ik dan “Hou je bek gewoon als je niks te zeggen hebt, want dit is toch geen manier om een fucking gesprek te starten,” zeg, dan ben ik weer fout. Daarom zei ik: “Het weer kan zomaar omslaan. Ik ben graag voorbereid.” The truth is: gister was het niet zo warm en ik kom de afgelopen twee jaar niet zo vaak buiten, dus de trench coat was een impulsieve keuze, en ik vind een luchtige trench coat aan doen met 23 graden echt niet zo winters. Met die opmerking zeg je indirect dat iemand zich niet normaal gedraagt. Op die manier vind ik het een woordenwisseling die helemaal niet plaats had hoeven vinden. Ik voel me namelijk al kut genoeg zonder die kutopmerking. Voor de gemiddelde Nederlander is een gesprek als in dat voorbeeld normaal. Ik hoop dat ik niet de enige ben die daar een ontzettende bloedhekel aan heeft.

En dan nog niet eens te beginnen over zwarte piet en hoe vaak ik daar niet mee vergeleken ben in mijn jeugd. Fucking walgelijk en barbaars. En de haat die er wordt verspreid door Nederlandse nieuwsmedia en BNners.

Ik vind dat de mensen die niet respectvol met elkaar kunnen omgaan, van elkaar gescheiden moeten worden. Zo kunnen alleen de mensen die met elkaar overweg kunnen, met elkaar samen leven, en is de wereld een een stuk vreedzamere plek. De mensen die ruzie zoeken met alles en iedereen moeten echt verrrrr uit mijn buurt blijven ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Dat is maar 1/1000 van mijn hele idee voor maatschappijhervorming.)

Vrolijk Pasen!

Vrolijk Pasen! ๐Ÿ™‚

Ik snap niet waarom een moeder besluit om uitgerekend op Eerste Paasdag met รฉรฉn dochter (en haar vriendje) + kennissen naar Spanje te vertrekken (ik zei eerder Portugal, maar het is dus Spanje), en ik nu alleen zal zijn met mijn “vader” en twee oma’s, die niet eens zijn uitgenodigd voor het restaurant diner van vanavond. Een diner samen met andere mensen die “waarschijnlijk” niet eens mijn biologische familie zijn. Snapt iemand anders dit?

Uit solidariteit heb ik wat boodschappen gedaan om morgen een brunch voor te bereiden voor mijn oma’s (alleen dat is “oma” en oma, als mijn “vader” mijn vader niet blijkt te zijn, na een DNA test, die nog steeds uitgevoerd moet worden) en “vader”, morgen.

Eerlijkgezegd zou ik liever bij Benoรฎt of een andere Graeyniss aansluiten vandaag. En morgen. En voor altijd. Cishe :D.

Waarom ik niet mee ben gegaan naar Spanje? Omdat je daar geen kant op kan [ze gaan naar een vakantiehuis (van twee huisjes/huizen) op een heel afgelegen plek], en het vermaak dan aankomt op gesprekskwaliteit, en dan wordt het Suriname all over again ( = net zoals die vakanties daarheen), en dat houd ik niet langer vol dan een paar minuten. Ik word ontzettend snel geรฏrriteerd wanneer ik een gesprek te oppervlakkig vind, maar probeer dan tegelijkertijd nog beleefd te blijven, en na verloop van tijd gaat dat gewoon mis.

Hier kan ik eindeloos workaholic zijn, naar de sportschool gaan en Graeynissis stalken, en wordt er geen gezelligheid van me verwacht. En een baan zoeken haha meoww I hope I may hug this Vicje :D.

Nog een vraag

Probeert deze persoon hier te zeggen dat ze denkt dat er niet maar รฉรฉn auteur is op deze website? Want dat zou me echt FUCKING PISSIG maken. Ik word er namelijk SCHIJTZIEK van dat mensen me incompetent noemen/vinden. Dat anderen niet in staat zijn zo goed te schrijven als ik (op 22-jarige leeftijd), wil niet zeggen dat ik niet bovennatuurlijk getalenteerd kan zijn. Er is maar รฉรฉn Lil Fangs en ik zal dat dolgraag willen bewijzen en na dat bewezen te hebben het liefst even een beetje frustratie luchten.

Ik heb weliswaar, gezien ik ook de webdeveloper ben van zowel en Docis.International, voor mezelf, in verband met veiligheidsredenen, een administrator en een editors account aangemaakt, in plaats van alleen een administrators account te gebruiken, maar ik post de laatste tijd blog berichten vanaf beide accounts, dus vandaar dat het kan lijken alsof er meerdere auteurs op dit blog zijn.

Ik ben geen fucking fraudeur en iedereen die dat over mij durft te denken, mag sterven van mij. Waarom tf zou je een hele persoonlijke websites maken met de meest gedetailleerde persoonlijke ervaringen, op de meest hoge frequentie in de geschiedenis van de mensheid, maar dat dan niet eens zelf schrijven? Dat klinkt echt fucking dom.

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De uitgelichte afbeelding is gemaakt door Chevanon Photography, gedownload van

Gekozen omdat ik me (alleen) op als een vis in het water voel, en omdat Benoรฎt me in brain-to-brain communication pesce noemt en ik hem visje ๐Ÿ˜€ .