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Chill Mode [Saturday, July 20, 2019]

Woww meow I slept from yesterday afternoon until now.

Good morning ♥

I feel quite rested. 😸 There’s still quite some work to do until I feel completely zen again (it has been a few years), so I’ll be working on that today. Until I feel zen, I won’t be working on my other web domains to earn something and make a name for myself. I’ll be chilling until my mind is at ease (though finances play a huuuuge role in that, I should depressurize for a while).

I hope you’ll chill along with me today. 🙂

It feels like step 1 towards mental relaxation is to create better oversight and more control. It feels like I have no control over my fate at all. That’s what I’m missing. 🙁

Meoww I’m going to eat breakfast and then I’m going to write us some calming and powerful words.

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Updated 06:49 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


My Faith

I strongly believe that in the future everything will be in balance. There will be no more suffering of any kind.

This is achievable because of the dreams and intelligence people have. The world knows many pioneers and one day we will be working together side by side, without any limitations. We will create a healthy balance in this world.

Never distrust your instincts. They are giving you signals for a reason. They too want to see the world at peace and see you happy and safe.

[Speaking to myself, I hope this doesn’t apply to you:] Your instincts might have misled you once or even a few times. (Learn to) retrust them. They should function independent from your reasoning, otherwise you’ll end up overthinking and make decisions influenced by incorrect predictions. Follow the prediction of your instincts and follow the way your instincts want you to anticipate on that. (And disregard the negative judgment of people whose instincts aren’t developed the way yours are.)

Trusting your instincts and letting them guide you well, without any limitation or hesitation, comes with a liberating experience of life. The Universe is at balance and that balance becomes more perfect every day. Everything – even the bad things – happens for a reason. One day we will all eternally live completely without suffering. Without knowing the feeling of suffering, we won’t know what true liberation feels like.

Trust your instincts, reason when your instincts are at rest and let emotions be.

I’m agnostic, though I secretly believe that I can explain the concept of the idea or experience of God / the Universe without conforming myself to any religious institution.

“Secretly” I say, because in the phase where I openly said that I identified myself as a prophet, through free interpretation of what I was taught during bible study, many people have tried to silence me and eventually “they succeeded”. (Now I put everything on my public private web domains and speak of it only there unless people ask me questions about my writing. 😏 )

I strongly believe that I will somehow recieve the opportunity to guide global change at a young age and live free from financial, physical and emotional suffering.

To guide global change, you need a propagandist (to spread the message), a scientist (to check the facts and ensure safety), a political policymaker (to make it legally official) and a business policymaker (to implement the change). With what I do, I intend to become all those people in one.

Please interview me. 😀

Updated 14:50 (02:50 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


My senses have always told me that I’m unsafe at home. My past few years were a confirmation of this. Unfortunately it has also shown me that the experts who could save me can be crooked as well. This all feeds my reticence. But meanwhile I’m still subtly saving my mind from the negative influence on my senses.

I’m very glad that people have been raising awareness on financial abuse and fraud. Words can’t explain how much I appreciate that financial abuse is acknowledged as a common issue.

In my reality it seems almost unthinkable that people see their family once a week, twice a month or even twice a year. But when I’ve moved to Antwerp I will be one of those people.

I believe that one day pioneers will be rewarded and frauds will be punished in my name. And that everyone is either one of those people.

It’s not just one thing I stand for and believe in. Unless you look at it from the perspective that everything is one and I am everything. Then I stand for everything.

Financial insecurity is weighing me down so much that I can’t ignore it and I can’t enter chill mode for 100%. I’m a student (at two universities) now, but a roof above my head, the ability to pay my tuition and even my right to receive a study loan are not guaranteed at all.

I’m currently home alone but my family will be back for the dinner I’ll make them. It’s Saturday after all.

I’ve been nude in bed with the blinds closed all day – I love doing that so much it’s just liberating. But now I’ll freshen up and get to dinner preparations.

Focusing on things like cutting is quite relaxing as I’m trying to find the balance between reason and instincts. I mean “They threaten our safety so kill them,” is also the continuous nudge of my senses but I don’t give in to it. Reason says it will lead to a further limitation of my freedom. But is this true when I’d save the government a lot of work? They’re losing an unnecessary amount of money on this household and I’m the only person useful to them.

Anyway some cold water over my body will get me back in chill mode haha.

Turn on push notifications to be nudged for some later (written) live cooking yays. 😸

Updated 18:36 (06:36 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Meoww I re-tried my new bikini on because I wasn’t certain if it actually fits me well.

But I love it meowww 😻

Though I shouldn’t play volleyball in this because it’s not that firm. Haha but then again maybe I should for that exact same reason. 😂

Dinner Yays

We’ll be eating lamb chops from the oven and a salad with baked potatoes, tomatoes, mergez sausages and feta cheese in it.

My marinade consists of hoisin sauce, baharat, thyme, five spices, ras al hanout and minced galic

They’re massaged in on both sides and topped with some extra thyme and butter yays

Part 2 yays

They go into a pre-heated oven like this, on 175 degrees celcius

Salad preparationssss

Updated 20:56 (08:56 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


The salad is of lamb’s lettuce and the dressing is of yoghurt, a little mayonaise, oregano, smoked paprika powder, baharat, ginger syrup and thyme.

Yaysss meanwhile I’m eating some more salad 🙂

I’m loving it my meowww.

Ah meow I want to elaborate on empowering our joint reality. 😻 I’ll reason out some more words yay.

By the way, I’ll be chilling in a lil holiday home of acquaintances from coming Monday until August 4th. In Egmond aan Zee. 🙂 That’s why I purchased the bikini. I’m hoping for a lot of Fangyist fun and will be taking my camera along. It will be 30+ degrees so beach yays. 😀 (And I hope that – since from Monday onwards the tunnel to the metro station will be closed – I won’t have to worry about rising water levels…)

Updated 22:39 (10:39 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Lil Fangs
Art, Audio, Blog, Donation Forms, Ex Animo, Images, Interest & Money in Perspective, Interviews, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, The General Theory of Employment, Tips, Uncategorized, Videos

Dominique Daniëlle Elia CV (curriculum vitae) in het Nederlands

Dominique Daniëlle Elia

Praesens (D.O.C.I.S. International)


Algemene persoonsgegevens

Geboortedatum: 1 november 1996 (22 jaar)

Geboorteplaats: Rotterdam

E-mailadres: (persoonlijk)

Adres: XXXXXXXXXX Capelle aan den IJssel


Persoonlijke doelen


Op de lange termijn wil ik, door middel van het combineren van wiskundige, economische, wettelijke en didactische kennis, graag bijdragen aan de hervorming van het internationaal politiek-economisch systeem, met een (nog) sterke(re) nadruk op duurzaamheid. Dit of via het bedrijfsleven, of via de politiek zelf.

Korte termijn doelen

  • (Minstens) mijn bachelor in de wiskunde behalen.
  • Lang genoeg werkervaring opdoen om officieel aantoonbaar op hoger dan junior-niveau te kunnen presteren.
  • Mijn netwerk uitbreiden ten gunste van mijn langetermijndoel.
  • Een nieuwe strategie uitdenken om als zelfstandige dichter bij mijn langetermijndoel te kunnen komen.



  • Marnix Gymnasium: Gymnasium

Behaald in 2016

Profielkeuze: Economie & Maatschappij met Duits, Latijn, wiskunde B en informatica

  • The Open University: Open Bachelor’s Degree

Nog niet behaald

Georiënteerd op (Financiële) Wiskunde


  • British Council
    • Cambridge First Certificate English
  • European Piano Teachers Association
    • Niveau C2
  • Basis Flight Simulator certificaat


  • Neridus-IT: Boekhoudassistente

augustus 2013 – september 2016

Het bijhouden van de financiële bewijsstukken (zowel digitaal als fysiek) en de financiële correspondentie tussen het bedrijf en het (uitbestede) accountantskantoor.

  • Zowel Delfshaven: Financieel hulpverlener (vrijwilliger)

juni 2016 – september 2016

Het ordenen van de administratie, opstellen van persoonlijke budgetten, inlichten en aanvragen voorbereiden, van mensen met financiële problemen in de regio Delfshaven, in een bijstands- en/of schuldsaneringstraject.

  • Elia PR: PR consultant (zelfstandige)

september 2016 – december 2017

Het ontwikkelen van PR strategieën en campagneconcepten voor individuen, op basis van de technieken van de grondleggers van de PR, in een uiterst alternatief, modern jasje.

  • D.O.C.I.S. International: Auteur, onderzoeker, (PR) strateeg en webdeveloper (zelfstandige)

juli 2018 – heden

Het ontwikkelen van een onderzoeksproject met toekomstige bestuursuitbreiding, aansluitend op mijn langetermijndoel, door middel van een invulverhalenserie (om zo te beginnen met een consumentenonderzoek dat uiteindelijk aanduidt aan welke eisen de internationale gemeenschap wil dat een revolutionair politiek-economisch systeem voldoet). Dit concept is echter nog niet officieel aan de man gebracht en dient op dit moment meer als een hobby waarmee ik ook een zakcentje verdien.

  • ANWB: Telefonisch hulpverlener

augustus 2018 – september 2018

Zomerkracht op de afdeling gespecialiseerd in de internationale voorziening van huurauto’s voor mensen die pech hebben gehad onderweg, maar toch hun vakantie willen voortzetten.

Overige (Informele) Ervaring

  • Ervaring met koken

Ik sta al van jongs af aan in de keuken, ken veel diverse kooktechnieken en smaakcombinaties uit keukens uit vele verschillende landen (met name Suriname, Nederland, Italië, Frankrijk en India), ontwikkel zeer regelmatig mijn eigen recepten (want ik hou van gevarieerd eten) en kook ook regelmatig driegangendiners voor groepen van 5 tot 10 mensen.

  • Ervaring met lesgeven

Over lesgeven (en spreken voor publiek) ben ik zeer gepassioneerd. Ik heb in veel verschillende disciplines (bij)les gegeven, waaronder: wiskunde, economie, PWSsen schrijven, piano spelen, vechttechnieken, basketbaltechnieken, koken, Engels, Nederlands en omgaan met telefoons en computers.

  • Ervaring als model

Van kleins af aan doe ik af en toe modellenwerk op aanvraag of voor eigen bedrijfsdoeleinden.

  • Ervaring als actrice/figurant
    • Acteren vind ik ook ontzettend leuk. Ik heb hier een beetje ervaring mee (door school, dansoptredens en sketches met mede hobby video sketch makers.)



ISBN: 9789082936803

Gepubliceerd op 24 september 2018

Een heruitgave van episodes over mijn onderzoeksproject en science-fiction verhaal die ik eerder had gepubliceerd, maar later van het internet af had gehaald in verband met de controverse achter het publiceren van mijn persoonlijke verhaal in het verhaal en het risico dat dat kon zijn voor een baangarantie.

ISBN: 9789082936810

Gepubliceerd op 30 september 2018

Een introductie van het invulverhaal en de onderzoeksmethode achter het invulverhaal, waarin de lezer de protagonist is en de ingevulde informatie zal worden gebruikt voor het zoeken naar “The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning”, die nodig is voor het vinden van een politiek-economisch consensus.

ISBN: 9789082936834

Gepubliceerd op 30 november 2018

Een uitweiding van het invulverhaal, met als thema de (bedrijfs)filosofie en strategische uitdagingen binnen het onderzoeksconcept, gecombineerd met een vroege poging tot ledenwerving.

ISBN: 9789082936896

Gepubliceerd op 30 januari 2019

Een lang essay over een non-cijfermatig algoritme voor levensverbetering en de toepassing hiervan.

ISBN: 9789082936889

Gepubliceerd op 30 maart 2019

De onthulling van de spanningslagen uit het eerste boek van het invulverhaal en de laatste invulvragen die samen de hypothese van The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning vormen.

Long-read Artikelen

Publicatiedatum: 28 februari 2019

Dit is deel 1 van de artikelenserie die gaat over de macro-economische gedachte achter de organisatie die ik wil starten en over de economische hervorming van Keynes.

Publicatiedatum: 15 april 2019

Deel 2 van de serie over macro-economie in de context van mijn (hopelijk) toekomstig bedrijf, gaat in op hedendaagse voorbeelden van marktfalen en de (zelf ontwikkelde) wiskundige basismodellen achter mijn idee van duurzame hervorming.


Positief Negatief
Communicatief sterk Soms verlegen
Doortastend empathisch vermogen (Vrijetijds)workaholic wat betreft auteurschap en onderzoek
Leert snel Gebruikt soms complexe woordkeuzes en zinsconstructies



In mijn vrije tijd dans ik graag. In het verleden heb ik ballet (3-4 jaar), streetdance (12 – 14 jaar) en hip-hop (16 jaar) danslessen gevolgd. Ik heb vroeger ook judo (4 tot 8 jaar), pençak silat (6 tot 12 jaar) en tennislessen (3 jaar eventjes en toen 10 tot 12 jaar) gevolgd. Vanaf mijn veertiende tot mijn achttiende speelde ik voor Rotterdam Basketbal. Sinds mijn negende speel ik piano.

Tekenen (en schilderen en beeldhouwen) doe ik met slecht weer met plezier. Fotograferen doe ik ook heel graag. Vooral wanneer ik reis, wat ik ook erg vaak met vol enthousiasme doe. Ik ben in Nederland (Amsterdam, Texel, Ameland, Hoenderloo, Maastricht, Enschede, en nog een paar steden), Duitsland (Berlijn, Stuttgart, München, Düsseldorf, Trier, Wiesbaden en Meerbusch), Frankrijk (Parijs en diverse delen van Normandië), België (diverse plaatsen in de Ardennen en Antwerpen), Engeland (Newcastle), Ierland (Dublin), Suriname (Paramaribo en twee plaatsen in “de binnenlanden”), de Bahama’s (Nassau), Spanje (Ibiza), Italië (Rome, Udine, Verona, Venetië en Brugnera), Turkije (Marmaris en Alanya), Griekenland (Kreta) en de Verenigde Staten (Miami, FL; Baltimore, MA) op vakantie geweest, gedurende mijn hele leven, en zou graag nog veel meer van de wereld willen zien.

Verder lees ik ook graag informatieve klassiekers (zo kom ik bijvoorbeeld aan mijn PR basiskennis), ben ik bekend met programmeren met Visual Basic (en heb ik ook ervaring met programmeren voor Android, Java (in het algemeen) en C# (voor Unity)), kan ik Access databases bouwen (zo heb ik mijn eigen boekhoudsysteem gemaakt, voor mijn persoonlijke administratie), beheers ik HTML en CSS, spreek ik vloeiend Engels (en kan ik een beetje Frans spreken (en het bijna vloeiend verstaan (als het niet te snel en geen gebroken Frans/straattaal is)), Sranan Tongo kan ik redelijk verstaan, Duits kan ik redelijk spreken en vrijwel vloeiend verstaan), maak ik soms beats met Reason Lite, ga ik regelmatig naar de sportschool (voor krachttraining), houd ik van (neo-soul/rap/hip-hop/jazz/klassiek/R&B) muziek luisteren, fietsen en sprinten, ben ik de laatste tijd een beetje Italiaans aan het leren, en – last but not least – schrijf ik heeeeel veeel (voor mijn persoonlijke blog 🙂 ).

If you are interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International, please read my Business Overture 🙂

Drafts, Popular Posts, Recipes

A Semi-Simple Three Course Meal Improv

By following this recipe, you’ll end up with soup, a main dish and a dessert, you could feed your family with, for more than one day.

These are the basic ingredients I’m using

I always season and measure my ingredients intuitively. It’s great for developing your own taste. You should do the same 🙂 .

For the soup, you’ll need:

  • Asparagus
  • Parsnip
  • Vegetable stock block
  • Dairy butter
  • Flour
  • Parsley
  • Cooking cream

For the main dish [mashed potatoes, breaded shrimp and vegetables], you’ll need:

  • Potatoes
  • Spinach
  • Red coal with apples
  • Shrimps
  • Dairy butter
  • Cinnamon
  • Ketjap
  • Five spices
  • Cayenne pepper
  • Cooking cream
  • Breadcrumb
  • One or two eggs
  • Flour

For the dessert, you’ll need:

  • Your favorite ice cream
  • Raspberries

I’m making this by myself and make the main course and starter simultaneously.

My shrimps are frozen, so I’ll transfer them to a bowl, to let them defrost naturally, while soaking up some flavors. That’s why ketjap, five spices and cayenne pepper are added to the bowl of defrosting shrimp.

Unfortunately, we were out of ketjap, so I’m currently using soy sauce, and ketjap will be added later. (I recommend ketjap, because it has a less salty taste.)

Our next step is peeling and chopping the parsnip and asparagus.

Now that that is done, I’m adding them to a “soup” pan with just enough hot water to have all of our parsnip and asparagus be submerged into it. Add a pinch of salt to this, and let it boil until the asparagus as well as the parsnip are soft.

Put the lid on this, to speed up our process

As they boil, also boil the potatoes.

Melt some butter in another pan and add the spinach and read coal with apples to that, with some cinnamon, on a low heat.

When the asparagus and parsnips are soft, drain them and keep its moisture for the soup

Melt some butter and later stir a few spoons of flour through it.


Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes, Reflections

Thursday, January 17, 2019

00:21 (12:21 AM) 

The new home page of the D.O.C.I.S. International website is done 😀 . Besides the “this website is being edited”, which I’ll take away when I’m done with all pages. 

I love that I’m finally outing my publisher’s approach! The reason why I kept waiting – and actually sort of still should be waiting – was because I wanted to have more than one publicist [now it’s only me ahahahah], before I transformed my site to that format. With those almost (to be) empty publicists [because saying “propagandist” is too controversial (apparently mainstream people will think that you’re evil when you use this term… I guess the annoyance from that stupidity secretly also made me very…), but when it comes to the diversity of our content, it feels like that word covers the load a lot better] and publications pages, I worry about coming off as a lot less than I can be. But at least now it’s very openly clear that I intend to publish for not only myself. And that I’m attempting to build an empire.

The reason why I’m doing it now, is because I might find suitable publicists at the university 🙂 . I won’t publish a “51 shades of grey” [that’s a joke for a new book’s title… That’s how I find how creativity looks these days… With my unique approach, I hope to raise the bar…] or anything else in that meaningless category of entertainment. You can go to any other publisher in the world for that. Knowledge and wisdom – wisdom being my specialty [because to me, wisdom > knowledge and I detest citing other people’s findings/philosophy] – are the fundaments of D.O.C.I.S. International as an exclusive brand. 

I say “at the university”, because that abstract use of words don’t show that when it comes to finding the right people, there’s so much uncertainty. Also, from many experiences, I’m quite certain that I should not target students for this. Not only because many of them are actually not independent thinkers (it sometimes just seems like that, because they memorize other people’s content in such a way that they start to consider it part of their identity (and then there are superficial people who are worse)). Also because for the size of the endeavor behind my business, I need people who truly know how life works, or at least I need them to know what their purpose in life is (because I need to know what would make them happy after the shift). 

But real Graeynissis are so hard to reach 🙁 . I hope being a student will work in my advantage. I hope I’ll even be allowed to just have a personal list of Graeynissis to approach for my thesis [just give me a letter of recommendation or something… I won’t survive the student experience until post-doc level…], who would also like to become my publicists, and skip out on all of the student mental slavery nonsense (kan jij niets aan doen…). We could even make a short series of videos about how we’ll establish everything 🙂 . Meooow! 😻

Here are some pictures I’d like to share:

In my diary post of two days ago, I mentioned that I was going to make soup. I made this picture to insert it in the article, but I never did. I used okra, plantain, some yam, celery, unions and a tomato. 

Today, I made these shrimp. I let them rest overnight, in a marinade of ketjap manis and thyme. The next day (today), I added garlic (because I had to buy it, but the best would be to let them chill in that, too). I used griesmeel and paneer (“breadcrumbs” (but they’re in a carton package…)) instead of flour and paneer, because there wasn’t any and it’s a waste of buying it, if it will never be used for anything else [but now I’m in the mood for pancakes… I’m still broke as fuck, though……..]

They were veryyy tastyy

My “natural” approach to attempting to cure a sore throat… It’s going a bit better already 🙂 . But swallowing still hurts a lot… Talking luckily doesn’t (that much) anymore 🙂

Something really random that happend today, was that I got a call from some telemarketeer who wanted get me in touch with this agency of brokers. [That stupid KvK registration of mine gets me phone calls like that.]  And me expressing my “I don’t feel comfortable with gambling. It might be a hype now, but I don’t believe that we’ll go on like this forever. The value is fictive,” didn’t make her say: “Okay. Bye.” “Arguments” for were: “But with these expert brokers, you can make great profits!” “How would you find it if in future, we would all be trading instead of working?” Of course, every sheep would say: “Yay! Infinite money and infinite watching movies!” I said: “I would kill myself.” 

She was trying to get me to click a link she mailed me and sign up for something. For some reason, I really just can’t hang up in someone else’s ear. Even not when even my fucking heart (rate) wants it. I ended up obeying her orders and I was transferred to one of her experts – whose name is very cool 🙂 – who was trying to get me to buy Amazon shares. Because they’re expecting great appreciation in the market for them. (I believe that in the end, it’s the influence of the media, indirectly incentivizing people to anticipate on the prediction, which causes the actual appreciation.)

[To me, mathematics > statistics…] I found his phone lecture on analysis of those “market volatility boxplots” [is how I’ll summarize it, because I suck at memorizing jargon] very interesting. At some point, I said that I would like to try it with ten euros. At the beginning of the conversation, he told me to download AnyDesk – a “controlling your desktop from a distance” application. After some hesitation – just like with the telemarkeer who started the whole thing… I fucking hate that this forcing people to do shit is found normal in our society – I did “make it happen” [hahahahahahaha… It’s funny because I think uni Graeynissis are Cuddle] and then suddenly, while 30 minutes ago I was busy paneering shrimp (unfinished, because I wasn’t able to just hang up), someone I don’t know, who spoke English with a (sexy) foreign accent [but where he was from, I couldn’t tell… Eastern Europe somewhere…], was drawing lines on a series of plots he opened on my laptop screen. 

When I gave in with the ten euros, he opened a screen to sign up on some trading website and asked me to fill it out. The form included a promotion code area and fields for my credit card number and the security code. All of my instincts told me that I shouldn’t show that information to anyone, but I still did it. He filled out a deposit of €1000. I told him that it wasn’t going to work, because I don’t have that much money literally anywhere – I really don’t understand why people always assume that I have money. 

I told him that I could deposit ten euros (haha) on my prepaid credit card. When I showed him my debit account [it has -€487,57, my limit is -€500 and I have no income (still I would truthfully rather die than do the routine with fixed tasks and colleagues thing again… Never again [hi uni], thanks 🙂 )]. He tried to up my limit, but I told him that changing a limit is only possible when you’re out of the red. Of course people never believe my word and it had to be tried first. And when my brokeness was confirmed – because what’s a broker’s profit with a deposit of ten euros – the conversation was ended. I ended the screen sharing and deleted the AnyDesk application right after, and “ran” CCleaner… 

I have such mixed feelings about trading. That ten euros was because since the moment I started to give in to that telemarketeer, I started to think: Yes, I know it will all collapse one day. But everyone is milking it right now. Why should I keep myself from it? It might get me out of trouble… (But it will never get me the profits I need anyway. That ten euros…. Hahaha that would all vanish to paying all of the parties in between, anyway.)

Such an unethical thought… I’m glad I still have my last ten euros 🙂 . Please become my publicist… Yeaah another reason why I waited with the format of my business website, was because I wanted to be able to invest in your brand, as a business, by means of paying for your (initial) campaign, and then earning from a small share of what your campaign will generate for you. Now it will be the opposite… So I’ll be your publisher – so basically all I offer is 100% of my brainpower and my skills, but no money (yet) – but you’ll very unfortunately have to do the initial investment yourself… You won’t regret that part of your full independence, though! (And that in the beginning we might have to outsource instead of be full monopolists… The company is still “in its baby shoes”. But I love what’s ahead of us! ♥)

More about this after waking up…! “Tomorrow” doesn’t apply, because it’s now 02:19 AM, but I still “”need” to do my long sleep” otherwise I [= actually the daylight] might [make me¿] feel like shit.  I wonder if sleep, in general, really is necessary? Haha oh yess but of course I don’t want to go against “science”. Just like “the Earth is round”. [I have never seen that in real life, “with my naked eyes”, so…]

“Break of screen gazing” applies better than “sleeping”, I guess. I’m just chilling with my Head Cuddle and sometimes take a nap. Never do I sleep longer than 4 hours in a row. 


Good night

I love you! ♥


13:48 (01:48 PM) 

My Cuddle ♥

I hope your day is Cuddle 🙂 . I would like to change my statement about not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row: I do sleep longer than that, when I have a (long) dream.  I want to make a drawing of what I saw, again! (The moon part…) It was about that humans cultivated the moon’s landscape (its craters were changed into very big patterns) and that on the night the moon, by changing itself into text for short periods of time, announced that it was going to shoot fire from the sky, which was going to make all water of fire (“because moon fire is veryy hott”), I was staying in Amsterdam and the family friends who own the house I live in (with them), were on a holiday on the moon [with my family], so I was here chilling with their son [tripping about that my parents’ house is next to water and all of my grandfather’s books would burn… (All houses seemed larger in my dream.)]. After dinner and playing Halo in his room, I suddenly kissed him…? I felt my conscious body’s heart’s distress [my dreams are always lucid], being in that This could lead to an “Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing?” and a great dose of heartache afterwards, or being pleasantly surprised…? worry. And then, the rest of the dream, we were kissing? There wasn’t even moon fire to notice? Haha I feared I was going to be stuck in some nightmare, but it was quite a fun dream 😋. I woke up slightly past twelve AM (for the first time in a long time).

Now I’m going to eat, write [(featuring pen and paper) by means of creating an overview for my websites and motivation letter], shower and wash my hair, and then work on my business website (and motivation letter, hoping that I can finish it all, today…). [You should know that I fall in love very easily, but never out this (first). And that I love too many people to have a traditional relationship (ever again). I hope my future life will include a lot of true love and a lot of nerdy things.] Meow 😸 xxxxxxx. 


15:56 (03:56 PM) 

A change of plans made me write this article. I’m still in bed… Having my all-seasons blanket from “home” here, and a more convenient room temperature, allow me to sleep with only my panties on again (super yay :D). 

If this were my own home and I were by myself, I would enter the kitchen wearing only my panties, as well. But it isn’t and there are guests downstairs. I might not be able to resist socializing with the family friends’ (steph-)grandchildren, but that would mean that I, again, am another day away from completing my admission. 

I’ve been thinking of writing a What not to write in an motivation letter post and including that in my admission letter, as a link. That’s because I won’t be able to say all that I want to say, in that letter of max 400 words, and there are things “I want the university to know” [haha enallage¿ ooh no personification haha. My babyy ♥], while those are officially not things that will make someone say: “She will be an amazing student!” (Truthfully, I doubt if I’ll survive the dreadful routine and suicidal thoughts that come with being a full time student who has to attend 70% of all tutorials and has to make homework and stuff… But my life depends on it, so failure is not an option (anymore)…) 

So I’m now going to quickly shower, while playing music (as usual, by the way) [and hope that my hunger and the heat from the shower won’t make me pass out], postpone washing my hair with another day (because twisting my afro takes time too haha eww), and go downstairs – with intentions of binge eating… Will be starting my day with dinner…? x_x And then I’ll see if I’ll be able to concentrate on working. My desk is, as it is in every place I’ve ever lived in: the dinner table. I need a sexy office :D.


16:15 (04:15 PM) 

By the way:

Sort of not bad…. Especially after quitting all other forms of social media, aside from ASKfm

Not bad…?

But still no people reaching out to me or anything, so meooow 😿😾. Okayy now I’m really going to shower xxxxxxxxxxxx


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Saturday, December 29, 2018

01:41 (AM) 


I’m almost done with the fundraiser pages. I’m now finishing Fangs’s Volta. Only when I’m fully done with everything I need to take care of, I will go to sleep. That is the text of the last form, the sign up form and making a slider.

I fully destroy my heart and brain with the ways I’m trying to do things for the greater good, without ever taking a break. I hope this fundraiser will lead to me finally being able to make that change and live happily.

I’m actually crying silently right now, because the stress and palpitations I feel are the same as every time I release a book [five out of six books are now (re)published, but I haven’t re-updated my books page, because I fucking can’t stand it when I put a crazy amount of effort in trying to do something good for all of us, and no one finds it worthy of looking at [GRRRRRRRR]]. I don’t understand why I don’t have an intense burn-out yet. I hope this fundraiser won’t be ignored the way my books are. Do you have any idea how fucked up this feels? I can die at any fucking second and I keep pushing myself to my limits, because I want to make the world a better place for all of us. And then people judge all of my content by only looking at my alias and my home page. It has such a negative influence on my peace mentality.

If my fundraiser will be ignored as well, I’m so very certain that I’m fully fucking done with this world. Then things really are hopeless. Not only for me. Who else is going to make that change? No one. But I’m done with keeping myself alive with the hope for better days. I find these regular “working days” of mine fucked up enough already, and to then act all jolly and social on my sister’s house party for friends and family on Sunday and celebrate New Year’s after that? Do you understand why I cry?

People think that when you talk about suicide, you want their attention. I talk about it because I try to distance myself from those types of people for all eternity, but I don’t have enough money to leave this godforsaken place for good. And I’m NOT going to fucking waste my life time slaving to get a few miles away from them.

I want to make it at once, get on a fucking plane with only my most valuable belongings, take those who I truly love with me – and the way I go about that is not according to the basic overused standard of life that shouldn’t be used to fucking judge people [I do not believe in “family first” anymore. Since 2015. It shouldn’t be an indirect social obligation to spend time with family. Especially when you have something way fucking better to do.] – and write history.

Or just not experience 2019 at all. To succeed in that attempt it’s actually better to not share it here, but for my then only written legacy, it’s better to leave some proof that this place is fucking hopeless and people are all fucking insightless heartless fucking shells who are completely fucking right about wanting to forget about their existence. All of the shit I’ve gone through in my personal life, while I attempt to help make life better from a beyond-government level, and even when my personal life fully drags me down, I fucking keep going, while all of these fucking flehs keep watching fucking Netflix man ooooh my goooood. I’m not even certain about what’s better anymore. When I’m dead, I also don’t have to work 9 – 5. Ah grrrrrrr why have I made my emotions public for these judgmental fucks. Yeah sure, try to fucking use my words against me, as I try to improve your meaningless existence.

Whatever happens, you won’t see me apologize for the shit that happend without me wanting to cause it, and I won’t be begging for your appreciation either. You can choose to follow my lead or stay stuck in this meaningless routine forever. There’s no one on this planet who can do what I do.

I’m going to finish the fundraiser pages and stuff and go to sleep.

Good night, those who will stay by my side ♥


04:57 (AM) 

I’m now done with the pages, form and slider, for the heads up. I even tested payment gateway. Look:

You can set the amount yourself. I don’t like asking for money and the 15 euros is a mere suggestion. To truly succeed, I need more than billions… 🙁

I wish I didn’t need a donation 🙁

Now I’m really going to sleep xxx


06:11 (AM) 

Sike haha… Hahah the not sleeping isn’t on purpose. It feels like my attempts to fall asleep are starting to turn into near-fainting. Something I don’t want to surrender to. I have been skipping meals, because I have an appetite for non-supermarket foods. Or at least something with nutritional value, I have not eaten three times in a row already.

I took this picture of the inside of the fridge yesterday, in between working on the fundraisers page [mobile users might not have noticed the renewed menu indeling yet]:

Soo much foood, but still… All the containers include left overs I’ve eaten at least three times in two days already. I fried an egg with spinach earlier

What should I eat now? I don’t want to eat anything from the fridge, truthfully. But my stomach is soo loud it drowns out the sound of the TV in the room next to me [I can’t wait for the sounds of silence in my own house, for which I’ll need to emigrate because of the ways houses here are built close to each other, with thin walls 🙂 ]. Hungry meow 🙁 .

Why I, by the way, didn’t have a slider, is because truthfully I don’t find anything I have something that should stand out on this website. I can do so much better. This whole website is like a crib sheet….

I’ve already eaten an apple before going to sleep… Today’s left overs are finished (I hoped my sister’s squad liked my bami 🙂 ). I want to eat varied and healthy… I wish someone would bring me food 🙁 . Instant noodles make me feel full for only 5 minutes. (They’re also unhealthy. But avoiding that will be tough…) So letting myself faint and losing control over how I have a hand in my heart rhythm is not an option, now that I’m trying this fundraiser [but my bitterness from earlier might have fucked that up already ah meow 🙁 ].

It’s cold, so I don’t want to leave my bed… Meoow what to eatt…

Wentelteefjes 😀 . And some fruit. I guess… But meow I’m too tired to cook, actually… 🙁

Yet still it’s the tastiest, healthiest (sort of) and fastest acceptable solution for my growling stomach…

I can barely keep my eyes open, though. Ah meow, I’ll try to get myself downstairs and see what I’m able to do. Stay tuned 🙂 xxx


06:49 (AM) 

Wentelteefjes it is… I’m making them now

Eggs, milk [I, by the way, always improvise the amounts of ingredients I use]

Vanilla sugar + cinnamon


Frying it


07:01 (AM) 

Flip 1

07:09 (AM) 

Round 2 🙂 [That clock is still still on Summer time]


07:25 (AM) 

In one of the pictures, it looks like I only stack the bread on top of each other to let the mixture soak in, but I’ve actually swapped the bread and flipped it, within the container. It’s important that every bread side gets soaked into the mixture well 🙂 .

I’m now eating it on my bed. I’m drinking a glass of soy milk with it. After this, I’m going to – of course pee, as I have to about every 30 minutes and – go back to attempting to fall asleep. I feel today will be a bed petty day. “Haha” I do still need that fresh air…

Ohh and I have decided to not do any social media marketing. I want to delete my accounts, including my Whatsapp account. But to succeed in that process of getting to a certain form of mental and social freedom you can only feel when you’ve tried it, I need to be out of proletaria. I’ve deleted all of my social media accounts before. A lot of people interpreted that as “Ooh noo you don’t want to be friends with me,” I have been told. Life is not social media. I was getting sick and tired of seeing the same social algorithm every time. But if my action was interpreted like that, without asking me why I deleted my accounts, then those people are still right about me not waiting to be friends with them, because who wants to be friends with someone who talks shit behind your back (and basically leaves you for dead)….

But it’s important that my action of deleting my accounts isn’t seen as “a psychosis” (like last time, ugh). I find my blog and business website enough online niss to maintain. I also want to finally leave this traumatizing life behind. I want to show today’s sheep that I can make it without viral marketing on social media. (Even though others already did it in my name. Fucking bastards…)


15:06 (03:06 PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂

Two days of ¿¿¿ left.

To start a fundraiser from my bedroom, while my address is publicly visible and people do the craziest things for money these days, makes me feel a bit hopeless… I should have lived somewhere secluded already. Because now, I still don’t have the network of friends I want and need (these Graeynissis), so I wouldn’t be able to get started with the large scale, full and international version of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I would just suddenly go from too broke to live happily on my own, to rich enough to change the world, while I’m still not with those who are powerful enough to make that change with me.

If I’d be able to raise enough funds, I would approach the 4 meow Graeynissis I mentioned on December 25th and attempt to make them an offer they can’t refuse. But the problem with my offer is that it includes that I want them to move to California with me… [It’s important that we’re in a safe location, while we makw our changes. If we don’t survive, then a lot of other people won’t survive either.] And they have families and stuff…

Another problem is that my parents do not fucking let me go. And I’m afraid a lot of people will threaten me, after I’ve paid off my debts and start to attempt to emigrate, all within a few hours of time, because they’ll want a share of my funds. If I die, my money goes to those who receive The Head Cuddle and Kayleigh. I hope they’ll proceed to put into practice my strategy.

What to do today? I need to wash my hair and my wig. I also really need to get outside, but just seeing this vervallen shit country gives me palpitations, and it’s cold, and the air smells like car fumes, so I tend to stay inside. There’s no one I feel like socializing with, here. I have nothing to discuss with them, and I don’t like purposeless conversations anymore. I want powerful friends 🙁 . My sister might believe in me after I have them.

I’ll add the other donation forms to the slider as well, and include donation goals. But it’s really a crazy amount of money I need… 🙁 I’m afraid the amount will scare people off. Or make them want to steal it from me. But this is my last chance. Ah meoow I feel like writing and releasing a book today. Because I really want it to be clear that I’m not raising money to fill my pockets. I’ll be writing Lil Fangs for President today. (My presidentness is based on the loopholes in the system I’ve found and will explain.)

But first… I need to figure out how to fill up my stomach this time. It’s growling again. I’m still in bed. Hmmm… 🙁


18:17 (06:17 PM) 

You know things will be old fashionedly lit tomorrow, when you see this thing outside:

That tent is 7 meters long

I’m not ready for thisss. Hours and hours of random laughter and conversations on the level of: “I bought a new microwave yesterday. Check it out. *shows picture on phone*” The old me would say: “That’s awesome!  *digs for ways to continue the conversation* What’s the serial number? 😀 ” Now, all I can say to things like that is: “Cool” or “Nice” and attempt to smile, while, just like the old me, deep down, I think: God damn… How can one start a conversation about this? With me? I don’t give a fuck…

Every party that has been thrown in this household since day one, whether it’s for me, my sister or one of my parents, the people at the party are always 90% my parents’ friends.

I haven’t invited any of my “friends” to come over. My dear reader, you are so very welcome tomorrow. The party starts at 4, but it always starts to get busy around 7. There will be drinks and many (ordered) foods (dinner and snacks). I will cling to you all day long. We could then also pack my valuables from home and the luggage I still have laying at the family friends’ house in Amsterdam. And then be Cuddles and celebrate New Year’s together and not commit suicide . Meooow. I have to cook… Need these veggies…


20:18 (08:18 PM) 

Kay has helped this tired meow by making the chicken for me.


The second pan is for my “uncle” (family friend) who doesn’t like salted meat. The bigger pan is on 9 because the veggies still aren’t soft. 

On tomorrow:

If you want some chips, I got youu ♥

Haha it would be so amazing for me if you, my top-level Graeyniss of whom they say that we’ll never be together, be my companion tomorrow [the more, the better. I want to feel like a pimp. With these sexy catjes ah meoww ] and have some funny drunk conversations with people, about microwaves and shit. It’s best to start things off airy, before we continue to change the world 🙂 .


20:52 (08:52 PM) 

The Elia sisters’ meal is servedd

I’ll be eating xxx


23:27 (11:27 PM)

I’ve edited Lil Fangs for President a little.

Other than that, I’m too tired to edit this website (making pages etc) and make music. How about we do that tomorrow?  😀 I always invite you to things and you never come/take it seriously. I really hope things will be positively different at tomorrow’s party. I’m expecting you… Of course I won’t tell my parents that, before they suddenly call the psychiatrists on me again bwahahaha.

I soooo hope to see my B tomorrow. It would be the ultimate “In your face”, plus all of this heartache from missing him will finally be over, because I can then finally cuddle him. For the first time 😀 . (It was always shaking hands, by means of saying goodbye.)

I also hope to see this Vicje. Did you know that my two exes from “de basisschool” were both named Viktor? I can’t wait to introduce you to my grandmothers, haha 😀 . All of you, my dear Graeynissis ♥.

I’m tired of this cooking slavery. They always say black people always cook a lot and they always force you to eat and shit. I’m always cooking, man. Even my grandmothers don’t cook anymore. And my grandfather is not with us anymore 🙁 . He is by far the best hobbyist cook I’ve ever known.

Please come party with me and please come as early as possible. This is my house, too, sort of (not according to the dumb Surinamese proletarian house laws), so we have the right to casually party and casually leave, later. I’m claiming a side of your bed 😀 . Save this catje 🙁 .

I’m going to sleep. With palpitations out of desperation, because this is such a perfect moment and impulse for my escape. Please back me up in this (meow HAHAHA . Ahh sorryy you’re soo attractive meoww… But I’m a colloqual professional, so only hugs and kisses 😀 . Also this catje is sick, soo… Ah meoww what am I saying haha x_x.)

I love you ♥

Tot morgen, toch?

– xxx –

Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

01:57 (AM) 

There’s some text in the previous post, which was updated after 12.

I would love to talk to you some more, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Plus, I’ll have to do some grocery shopping tomorrow, because during last evening’s dinner, we decided that I’m not only in charge of the mashed potatoes. I’ll also be making the starter. My sister wants something with raw salmon, so I’ll be making my own version of zalmtaartaar :)♥ .

I’m off to bed

Good night, my love ♥

I love you ♥ ♥

I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you ♥ ♥ ♥


13:11 (01:11 PM) 

Good petty afternoon 🙂 

I’m too bed cuddly, and still tired, so my mother is going grocery shopping and I need to text her what I need for my cooking. I always decide what kind of ingredients I’ll use, when it’s time to go shopping for them, and then based on what kinds of taste I’m in the mood for. 

So for the mashed potatoes, I was thinking of keeping it very simple: potatoes, butter, milk, celery (my variation), nutmeg, vegetable stock/truffle oil and mustard

And the zalmtaartaar ( = tartar of salmon [but it seems like tartar means wild person¿ I’m talking about a dish haha]) I want to make with: fresh salmon (not frozen please), fennel, (frozen) spinach [I find that tasting a lot less bitter], steranijs (star anise), vegetable stock, creme fraîche, parsley, white wine and sesame seeds. I’ll make “een bedje” [’cause I’m a petje 😀 ] of spinach and finely chopped fennel, cooked and cooled off, with the anise. The salmon will go on top, stuck together in its shape by creme fraîche with vegetable stock (cooled off, since the salmon needs to stay raw). It will be topped with a “blendered” mixture of cooked and cooled off fennel, parsley and white wine. And then some grilled sesame seeds and parsley for garnishing on top. 

I’m not sure if I should include a lime in this, because I made something with the combination of anice and lime, and that tasted like a very nasty cough medicine. A lime would probably also be nicer with non-raw salmon. So no lime in this dish 🙂 . 

Oh we didn’t have plans for soup yet either. The basic tomato soup I make includes… Waiit she already left so I need to text her the shopping list xxx


13:50 (01:50 PM) 

The soup I’ll make is inspired by this recipe for Turkish tomato soup I learnt from the cooking guide “game” for the Nintendo DS, when I was little. I’ll be using: butter, flour, vegetable stock, tomatoes, creme fraîche, thyme and rosemary

Haha a lot of my diary posts include recipes and reflections – basically they’re always reflections after the introduction – but they’re not put into that category, because I do not always want my philosophy to stand out on this website. There are so many hidden gems in it, I want to keep it a good the user needs to do a little effort for, to obtain it. I’m doing this all for free. I don’t even earn royalties or ad money. So I would like that act of love in return. Thanks 🙂 . 

I’ll later include pictures of the cooking process. My sister will assist me today 😀 ♥.

Time to make some “breakfast”… I have a hunger headache. Tot later 😀 .


15:12 (03:12 PM)

A last-minute impulse made me think of what to eat the tartar with. I’m thinking of slicing the type of baguette you need to finish in the oven yourself in very thin toasty layers and putting it in the oven with self-made garlic oil with mint

My “breakfast” [first meal of the day, but past breakfast hours, so in between quotation marks] wasn’t really worth sharing. It was just very basic: cooked instant noodles. There were not many better alternatives. 

I accomplished this during/after it haha:

I love this gameee. I gave it to myself as a present last night. Remember when I purchased the Switch and this game was still unreleased?

I’m still hungry… I’ll just start cooking right after I shower and feed off tasting my food to see if the taste is right. That’s something I often do when I can’t find something suitable [in terms of healthiness and how much it makes me feel full… I’m not saying that instant noodles are healthy. They’re what makes me feel the most full of all things available for cooking at the moment] for me to eat. 

So be right back again meoww xxx


16:21 (04:21 PM) 

Meoww we’re doing thiss. First I want to do all of the cutting for all of the dishes. So cutting the tomatoes and the fennel, plus skinning [what’s the right word?] the potatoes. 

For now I’m doing things solo, because my sister also has to help my mother and shower and take care of other business.

Haven’t worn a schort since my first times cooking. But I want to keep my dress clean hehe.

Fast and simplee

Haha it would be so cool if you’d cook along with me 😀 ♥

This will be my occupation for now. I’ll keep you up to date xxx


17:26 (05:26 PM) 

De huidige stand van zaken [the current state of affairs]:

As finely chopped as possible on this pace


My sister is helping me ♥. [That clock is still on summer time. It was 17:22]

I’ll now start cooking what I need for the tartaar and start making the vegetable bouillon. 

Tartaar first (because it still has to cool), soup second, potatoes last. 

I need to get some stuff from the freezer in the shed. Be right back xxx


17:42 (05:42 PM) 

Frozen spinach has to defrost first

The back pan is for the topping, the front one is for het bedje 🙂


18:06 (06:06 PM) 

I hope to be done around 7/07:30 PM. 

Sweet white wine for the back right pan. I compensated sourness a little with sugar.

Vegetable stock and creme fraîche to stick the salmon together in the star cookie shape 

Vegetable stock + tomatoes. Letting it boil until the tomatoes are fully soft

Parsley added (almost forgot about it lol) 

Perfectly blended tartar topping 🙂

The parsley is there because I needed a cutting board and wanted to save on dishes to wash


This + those slices of bread + mint and garlic oil + oven


19:10 (07:10 PM) 


Part einss

Part zweii

19:42 (07:42 PM) 

This is my first time ever trying this. I think it has worked out quite well 🙂 .


Meoww 😀 . I hope it tastes goood


19:55 (07:55 PM) 

Aahhh I’m exhausted maahnnn. But it’s all donee. Excuse the chaos of pictures. 

Time to eat yoooo xxx

Can’t wait to taste itt

Those are dates filled with cream cheese…

Date me 😀 . Ah meoww at first I was all like “Woohoo I’ll stay single forever,” but on days like this I really miss a companion. 


20:26 (08:26 PM) 

El soupp


20:42 (08:42 PM) 

Shout out to my Amsterdam family friends for giving me socks and a gift card ♥

When I went shopping with my mother last weekend, I picked Lady Million Privé by Paco Rabanne and blush, lipstick and fixing spray from MAC as Christmas presents. I opened them when I went to that party on Sunday haha… 


22:25 (10:25 PM) 

I’ve been semi-socializing [semi because I wasn’t leading the conversation]. Here are some more dinner pics:

The Brancott Estate 2015 Sauvignon. It’s all right [or should I say “it can wait” HAHA love you B ♥]

I’m still looking for that wine with a less dominant taste of alcohol. Like the way Remy Martin XO’s taste of alcohol is very subtle, which makes the other aspects of the drink much more flavorous. 

The traditional [even though I’m Dutch/”Surinamese”] main Christmas dish

I cut the turkey 😀 . So I earned thiss . It was very tasty 🙂 . My mother made the turkey, gravy, cranberries and veggies

My cousin has taken care of our dessert. She has brought three of them 🙂 . We’re starting with this:

Een kaasplankje and a selection of sausages

It’s easier for me to write self-reflection when I’m by myself. So these pictures are my entertainment for you now. I hope you’re having a nice day 🙂 . 

Panna cotta 🙂

I fucking loveee foooood. And wiiinee. 

The third dessert will be served soon as well. 


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Saturday, November 17, 2018


Hey heey ♥

Deez nutz let you know what time it is:

Some kids dressed up as zwarte piet without blackfacing just gave it to me. 

I’m on my way to meeting a friend. Later doing grocery shopping for dinner and cooking. 


I had a lot of fun with my friend and I enjoyed having my grandmothers over for dinner :). Also, I finally decided on what words to start my business overture with. The right balance between catching attention, using language that displays the right status and not starting in medias res too much, I’ve finally found :]. About with whom and where to share this, I’m not sure yet. 

I need to persist and make sure that I finish the overture within a decent amount of time. I can’t wait to start the real deal :D. When I’m done writing, finding ways to approach the right people, will be my next challenge. 

Some other pictures I made today:

He won ehehe. I was “half”

The winter [should I say “fall”? It’s sooo cold] sun is soo perfect for sungazing 😻

Same old route

Meoww I need warmer weather or better clothes to survive this

The moon descends? Is the Earth then round?

It was greattt

My bowl was still filled, because at some point, the rice was done, so I set the table for the “main course”. Only I wasn’t done eating the starter yet. 

The vegetables I made are for diehards. It includes bitter melon (sopropo), solanum macrocarpon (antroewa), pumpkin, tomatoes, honey, yellow madame jeanette peppers, salted meat (zoutvlees), mint, celery and an union. 

My version of Kartoffelsuppe includes carrots, spinach, bacon, tomatoes, lemongrass, Dutch Bratwurst, a vegetable stock block, an union [I think I eat too many unions?] and of course potatoes. 



The rest of my time this evening, I’ll relax, roll another one and try to keep my brain from as many stimuli as possible, including not looking at my phone screen anymore. 

I hope your evening will be twice as chill as mine. 

And good night in advance ♥

See you tomorrow!


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Saturday, October 13, 2018

12:47 (PM) 
Heey ♥ 

What are your plans for this weekend? 

I’ll be bed petting 😋   [woaaah this is the first time for me to succeed in including an emoji that isn’t a heart!!!! I had to find how to convert unicode to html, hehe].

I think, the “priority mail” I received from the radiology department of the health center I went to, states that I have a device in my head. 

Die Bewegungsartefakte stören mich nicht! Motherfuckers saying that the device isn’t there and that I’m a schizophrenic because of it, make me internally aggressive as fuck and give me a stress headache. It’s my B on the other side of the device…

Finally, the final proof of schizophrenia being bullshit is in!! I only need to receive doctor Cuddle’s findings – regardless of what else he finds, my aorta heart valve not closing right, aready shows that psychiatrists fucking my life up, were never allowed to force me to take Haldol – to complete the bulletproof case I’ve been building up. Now, I don’t want to get beaten up for wanting to take legal measures, so I tell you I’ll be bed petting. [Because the potential beater might read this.] 

Bed petting is laying down while reasoning, cuddling my sheets and pillows. 

14:58 (02:58 PM) 

By the way, my theory for my heart issues, many flashbacks, avoiding hangouts and expressions of anger in my diary, is that I’m dealing with post traumatic stress… I think the way to cure this is to be far away from any reminders. My having this is quite fucked up, but my solution sounds like such a giant relief 😻.  

21:04 (09:04 PM) 

I just made pasta with unions, duck meat, pumpkin and carrots. I spiced it with “five spices”, massala and coconut milk 😋 .  

22:22 (10:22 PM) 

The prospect of the coming weeks, seems like such a blur to me. I’m in desperate need of change, but I’m not powerful enough to put this in motion at once myself. I’m also in very desperate need of a holiday, but I’ve spent my savings on doctors visits. They were the awesomest doctors appointments I’ve had in my entire life, so it was worth it, though. 

I hope the personal correspondence I’ve sent today, will make the change I need. It has been on my mind, since my life made this fucked up shift. Emotionally, it was a big step, because it will disrupt life as I know it. That’s a good thing, because it’s way too toxic to me. I’m afraid they’ll also say that my pain isn’t worth it. I’m afraid to lose. It’s quite nerve wracking waiting for a response. If it were to work out the way I hope it will, you’ll finally only see my real side [not captivated by flashbacks and other bad things]. 

Meoww, I’ll be going back to bed petting (myself to sleep).

Good night

I love you! 😻  



Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Thursday, October 11, 2018

09:49 (AM) 

Good morning, my love <3

I just woke up in the freakiest way possible:

When I opened my eyes, I looked mother right in the eye. She had that look in her eyes again that makes me feel like a failure and gives me cropped up anger, because she looks at me in that way. I actually wanted to scream and attack her, because I freaked out and “why the fuuuuuck does she look at me sleeping?????” But I managed to “mentally pull myself together” fast, and said, “Good morning,” in a fast and slightly formal sounding way. 

She said: “Good morning. We’re going to Amsterdam. What time are you going to leave?”

“Around twelve. Are you going to that therapist again?” [The therapist they go to to complain about how much of a pain in the ass child I am, for which she used extortion on me. I’m referring to this post.]

“Yes. We might already be back around that time.”

“Okay. See you later.” I closed my eyes again. I woke up tired, from the second nightmare I had. They both related to the way these people make me feel like dying. 

Yoo I need my own place… But I can’t even go to Milan anymore, because of my health expenses. “Dus laat staan” renting an apartment… My mother told me that “they” [That’s her + my father] might give me back half of the health expenses. I WANTED TO SAY: “KEEP IT. I’LL GET MY SHARE ANOTHER WAY.” But I said: “Okay,” because I need avoid her calling the acute dienst on me again [I would let out sooo much anger….] I need it so desperately… I still need to pay my Dutch monthly insurance fee [I DO NOT want to be insured here anymore TO THE POWER OF INFINITY (AND BEYOND), but it’s mandatory], my web hosting costs and my phone bill… 

Ah meoooow I need to tell you soo much about the last two days, still. I’ll show it to you in pictures:

Me going to the bathroom right before impulsively going to the city center with someone I just met, thinking: “Should I really do this?” And then thinking: “Yess. I wouldn’t care if something bad would happen.” I had a nice time :].

I made a picture of these doors, because I thought them being B-sized was hot asfff [=as fuck]. Benoît is tall and hot, so these doors are tall and hot ahahaha¿

There’s another picture in yesterday’s post

I wanted to be at home with this, because I feel that at home, my stress levels are different.

My stomach hurts so much that I can’t hold in my stomach the way I usually do when I take a picture

Meoww I hope I will be able to tell you about how the night two days ago was cool [and I ended up sleeping in my own room, by myself, the way I wanted to], how I find my doctor so crazy attractive that I want to befriend him [I gave him my business card, too :D. He’s on my mind often, now. He’s so goood with his hands [I’m talking osteopathy. And he plays the piano, toooo] and he untied my bra strap with one hand and reattached it at oncee omggg I lakeddd [without mentioning it]. He was the first person who has ever done that awesomeness to me, in my entire life. Aside from myself… Benoît still has the high score of being in my thoughts, though], how I’ll be going back to Düsseldorf today – but I can’t spend the night there, because I’m broke asf – and how another person ended up asking my phone number, in one of the most spontaneous and kind ways I’ve experienced this far, while I was standing in line to order my salad and that my visit to the gynaecologist was so expensive, I became even more worried about my financial future. 

I’m thinking of placing click ads on here… Then, I’ll need to buy a personalized online privacy and terms and conditions statement, though… 

Ohh and I want to describe my nightmares, of which the images are unfortunately “saved on my retina”. 


I want to just stay in Düsseldorf… The driving will make me so tired. It’s also less stressful being there. But cheap hotels feel as if the air there is full of dust… And expensive hotels make me broker… 

Oohhh I see the practice I need to return the ECG to, closes at 8 PM… No need to rush, thus… I want some proper rest, my meow :[. 

Oh and last night I had such a nice conversation with a friend of mine, on Whatsapp. We’ll probably be chilling tomorrow. I’m considering temporarily moving in with her, because she’s open to it. She’s so sweet <3. I hadn’t leveled with her in so long. I’ve been so blinded by shitty friendships, that I intend to assume that all of my friendships are shitty. But she’s the first person of whom I’ve heard the “parenting methods of the Surinamese culture” have caused her emotional pains. Before hearing that from her, I thought I was the only one experiencing it in that way… 

Yesterday, I wrote less, because the headache I had was killing meeee. I try to stare at screens less. 

11:58 (AM) 

Eggs, noodles, soy, endive, “bol courgette” [genetic manipulation is real asff]

Whipping some late breakfastt. I’ll not be able to leave at 12… I want to have dinner with my doctor, but he has an appointment at 07:30 PM :[. 

I’m so in dubio over what to do after returning the test… 

17:18 (05:18 PM)

I’m quite glad that I made it to Meerbusch alive. I don’t have anything with me, except my little backpack, because I intended to drive back home today. But I feel far to weak [if you knew how much effort it takes me to shift gears…] and light headed and shit to be driving back for nearly three hours. 

So I booked a hotel room 3 minutes away from here. Fucking sucks that I didn’t take my Seneca book with me :[.

18:08 (06:08 PM) 

If you’re in the mood for some roof top tea, holla at me… *smooth face*

19:03 (07:03 PM) 

Oh my godd I need a date :[. But the food is nice :].

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Monday, October 1, 2018

10:53 (AM) 

Good morning <3

I woke up with eyes more swollen than usual. That must have been because of the tears… Hopefully I won’t get a rant about looking high again… 

Today, I’m going to give you a recipe for the best soup in the history of mankind! My grandfather cooked me soup every Friday, when I was little. “Cassavesoep” used to be my favorite. I spoke about making this soup two days ago, with my mother. I’ll have to search for a moment to buy the final groceries I need, though. 

You’ll need [a translation in your own language because some ingredients I only know in Dutch]:

  • Schenkel 
  • Zoutvlees
  • Cassave
  • Kokosmelk [coconut milk]
  • Pimentkorrels
  • Selderij [celery]
  • Tayer
  • Gele madame jeanette pepers
  • Een bouillonblokje [a stock block… I’ll be going with vegetable stock]
  • Unions
  • Tomaten(extract) [I’ll be using a little bit of both]
  • Droge vis [sun dried fish, only for a taste accent]
  • Bakbananen [plantain]

I’ll show you pictures of the ingredients that are “traditional”, along with the cooking process. The soup tastes the best when you start cooking it waaaaaaaaaay before you eat it. So I’ll be leaving my bed soon… 

Haha meow, actually I feel like laying and cuddling all day… But this Project Nosce Te Ipsum page is not going to finish itself… Just like the sign up form, the page for sponsors and all of the ads I intend to make… 

12:02 (PM) 

I have finally caught the sound of the air alarm that goes off every first Monday of the month at 12 PM. People from abroad must consider it uncommon (and uncomfortable¿) to have such a “national tradition”? 

The Run It Back Freestyle by Kirk Knight has a similar sound sample. Haha on a beat it sounds good… 

What if a dike breaks exactly on the first Monday of the month at 12?

Oh I just saw a video and heard that they’re going to stop it on January 1st in 2020. Does that mean that then this country will flood? “Haha of course not”…… Meoww let me movee. 

Aw, Cuddles for those who remembered that the official book release date was the 30th and have visited this website because of it <3. 

12:45 (PM) 

Oh my god I can’t stand when my parents open my mail

If you’re not paying my bills, don’t fucking touch my mail

It was just a reminder that the tax report of my company is expected to be received on the 31st… Which I already knew… 

They used to open my mail and then rant to me about “the dangers of bad bookkeeping”, around the time I went bamkrupt. They did this after lost my last client, because of their interference. I don’t have unregistered income to worry about, so I wouldn’t mind if they were to randomly come over for “een steekproef”……

15:30 (03:30 PM) 

Meoww #no-ad [Scorpio is my new syntax.]

My other back-up drive will not last much longer, I think, from the sound that’s coming from it. It’s a few years old already… 

16:08 (04:08 PM) 

Haha omg

Haha the app I used tagged itself

Anyway…  😀

In reverse ehe

I diced the tayer and cassave. Now I’m adding hot water. This soup could be eaten with rice in it, which you should cook separately. 

The amount of coconut milk I’ve used

I’m letting it boil up once more

After that I’ll let it boil on a very low heat. 
If you’re making it, too, you should show me!! I would love to share it on here, or talk about it, or talk about other things :D. 

I’m “cooking out” some zoutvlees:

Meow… [In my case, it’s pronounced as a word, not a cat sound :p.]

The meat has rested in salt for quite some time. (“Pirates” used to lay their meat in salt, because then they could keep it for longer?) The taste of salt is so intense, that you should either lay it in cold water for a while, or cook it out. Even after cooking it out for a while, the salty taste stays. 

It’s a “full meal soup”. I’ve used relatively quite a lot of meat. Adding tayerblad is nice. (I’ve just quickly fried some bakbanaan (plantain) and added that to the soup as well. 

The dried/smoked fish should only be cooked in it for a little while. It is not recommended to keep the fish in the soup. When it starts to fall apart, you should take it out.

After dinner, I’ll be cleaning my room and working on the websites in my room. 

Eet smakelijk 😀

I put rice in the bowl first and then poured the soup over it

21:28 (09:28 PM) 

Vacuum cleaning I’ll do tomorrow… Haha I’m showing you the most personal side of myself… 

I hope you won’t mind it, if I postpone finishing the websites to tomorrow… If I start working on it now, I’ll want to finish it before going to sleep, which will mean another restless night… The choice of words on my business’s website is quite crucial (just like everything else, but still..). So I think it’s best if I sleep on it… Also, I’m having this crazy headache, which makes me want to cuddle up… 

I’d rather lie down and talk to you… It feels like it has been a while since I’ve done that. I’ve been so busy writing and doing other things. I can’t wait until I’m done! This because hopefully then we’ll be working on this project together… 

I want to make the project description page very clear! It’s a project in a format I have never seen in real life. I think I’ll be the first to put this type of project into practice in this way. I’ve used the word “certificate” and “thesis” as terms, but they’re used in a different way, in the sense that you are the only source needed to obtain the certificate. There’s not the usual literary research and surveying other people, as you might have done for other theses. 

What I have planned for us isn’t that formal… I want us to have real fun, while making a real difference… 

To make my campaign look more… What’s the right word…? More like a representation of my vision… I would love to make videos and pictures [I kind of miss modeling] and have my own music in the videos… But that’s the cool side of Project Nosce Te Ipsum: during the project itself, we only do the things that make us happy. At the same time, we’re diving into some serious things regarding societal change, and since we’re doing these things and other people aren’t, while they might still benefit of what we have done for everyone, it’s important that we make ourselves the most comfortable while doing it. 

I hope to be able to make an interactive video series for the project, for the online subjects to enjoy. [Not that much like the series of which I think the standard is followed too strictly and thus everything looks the same. Some parody of the standard could be funny, though.] For this, I need popular authorities in research, entertainment and/or business to form a group with me and share their inspirational life’s knowledge and to show themselves from a different side, by showing their approach in the project. We’ll be talking, acting, dancing, writing, painting, composing and/or anything else you desire to do. The path you choose has certain self-research related objectives. 

23:40 (11:40 PM) 

For a very long time I’ve been thinking of changing “Meow…” into something else. But what… 

Haha meow anyway

I would love to make pictures for the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ve been picturing Benoît and I making these pictures that express the fun and diversity within the organization. 

We’re both wearing formal clothing [grey suits¿], “but” posing very informally. Hehe I pictured this one picture where I climbed on his back, I have my arms around his neck and we’re both smiling. That picture says: “We treat each other with so much love, within this organization.” Right? 

It’s also an awesome way to end this “verzuiling” where people of the same ages, genders, races, etc. are expected to hang with each other. But I want over-experienced grey haired friends, too…? We have so much to talk about!  😀

Meow, my Cuddle B is turning 46 in a few minutes… I want to call him… But I’ve tried this so often already, in the past [after the police drama]… It just keeps ringing… [His office number… I didn’t dare to ask his number when we met. Could I do that? Should I have taken the initiative…? Outsiders could take it the wrong way for sure…] I really want to see him even more than usual now :[. Where’s my Cuddleee…¿

I let the phone ring for a short while and then hung up… Who calls an office number in the middle of the night, right…¿ I thought maybe the number redirects to his mobile phone… Meow this is so strange, though. He told me I could always reach out to him and we’ve had such amazing times talking in his office [or should I only speak for myself…¿]. Suddenly I can’t reach him anymore and I still don’t know why :[. I’ve been trying things like this since like July 2017… :[

I’m going to sleep now…

Good night, sweetie 


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

Thursday, September 27, 2018

[Scroll to the italics for trippy fan-fiction¿]

12:41 (PM) 

Here’s a list of the ingredients I used for the rice pudding I’m eating… Right now… 

  • Rice
  • Almond flakes
  • Raisins
  • Cinnamon
  • Vanilla essence
  • Vanilla sugar
  • Almond essence
  • Sugar
  • Cow milk

It’s still warm :]. I’m drinking tea from matté and lemongrass with it.

I haven’t been able to break my sleeping cycle, where I go to bed past two AM and get out of bed somewhere between 10 and 12. It takes hours for me to fall asleep. It’s not that big a deal, though, because I often write until around one o’clock in the night. 

The hardest thing about leaving my bed, is letting go of my pillow. I always lay it “in portrait” [instead of the classic “landscape” position pilows lay on on beds] and wrap my arms around it. 

With my eyes closed, I focus on the movement of my skull, that has always stayed [but I can’t talk about, because that would make me risk getting stuck in a system I think shouldn’t even exist in the first place**]. I consciously made myself imagine the following scene:

It is early in the morning. Wearing only a t-shirt of him, which is so big that is looks like a shirt dress, I enter the living room that is a modernized space with a kitchen, dining area and couches etc. Benoît is reading a book on the couch, wearing a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, barefoot. His right foot is placed flat on the couch. His other foot is on the floor. He leans against the heightened arm rest of the couch that is custom made, because he is ve-ry tall. 

[This takes place in a penthouse in LA. We’re very close to the top floor, able to oversee the entire city.]

While walking into the kitchen, I notice he often looks up from his book to look at me, with such a loving expression in his eyes. I ask him if he wants some soup, too. He replies, “Yes.” I pour us some of the cream fish soup we made the day before. With two bowls in my hand, I walk around the bar  – with high modern bar stools on the left side – that surrounds the kitchen part of the living room. As soon as I step onto the ground of the sitting area, of wich the wooden floor is lower than the rest of the living space, I can see his full body. I freeze. The porcelain bowls slip out of my hands and shatter onto the ground. I couldn’t help but stare… D a m n… I feel my mouth starts to water… When our eyes meet [I was staring at a different part of him…], within a split second, he throws his book onto the ground and I, without a run-up, jump a more than five meter distance – the way superhumans do – to end up on top of him. 

I wish my feelings for him were generally accepted… With who else can I cook, travel, run, play sports, have non-shallow conversations, write, be crazy intimate, NEVER look at television unless it’s something from our network, do research, do business, learn new languages, translate Latin, play video games, make music, make a movie and learn the ins and outs of the system [so that I exactly know how to alter it without abruptly disrupting it]????? It’s so annoying that these non-parties have put me in a position where I risk(ed¿) losing him for no fucking reason, taking away my right to make my own decisions, while they actually didn’t have the right to do that to me… 

20:23 (08:23 PM) 

I’m having dinner with my parents and sister.

Course 1

Course 2:

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes

Monday, September 24, 2018

11:49 (AM) 

My Cuddle!! <3

I have missed you soo much!! Those few days of not writing you, seemed to last forever…

*Catts you*

The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I is basically finished. And I have received my publisher’s prefix! 

I’m still working on the new Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1. The new edition feels quite mechanic, because I have taken out the author’s perspective. I don’t think it’s right that I’ve followed that advice from people who aren’t even active participants in the project, but I do want to show you the extremely large scope of Project Nosce Te Ipsum, which wasn’t that emphasized in the previous editions. As soon as possible!!!

I want to start the project and emigrate and be surrounded by people who are like me and are not hurtful :D. I hope you want the same thing!!! 

I changed the menu of this website, too, yesterday. 

The rest of today, I’ll be eating, jogging, writing and cooking. I went to sleep pretty late last night, because I wanted to finish the preface of The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I. Should I change “Deleted” into “Unpublished”…? Yeah, I think so… 

I told myself to take a break from writing diary posts, because that makes me lose time I could use to write the new first episode. Now I think that as long as I invest more time into the new episode, than I invest in this diary, it’s fine… 

If I request my ISBNS today, The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I can be released (after) tomorrow. I’ll get to it :D. 

20:07 (08:07 PM) 

Some taste palettes:

> Rice

  • Rice
  • Potatoes
  • Salt
  • Butter
  • Water

> Vegetables

  • Unions
  • Courgettes
  • Aubergines
  • Red paprika
  • Saffron
  • Five spices

> Lamskarbonade 

  • Ras el hanout
  • Hoisin sauce
  • Ketjap
  • Mustard
  • Oregano
  • Paprika (powder) 
  • Karwij
  • Cumin
  • Thyme
  • Ginger
  • Nutmeg

You might want to use only a selection of the ingredients used, for preparation of the lamb meat. I baked it a little, and put it in the oven afterwards. 

    I already started eating :p

    I’ll be uploading The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I for epubcheck etc. soon, today :]. I have already received the ISBN :D. 

    Drafts, Random Thoughts, Recipes

    A dinner sketch

    I can’t sleep… I have been “distancing myself from” meat as part of my diet for about three years now [with some unfrequent exceptions…]. Yesterday, however, while gazing over the menu card, I found (medium-rare) steak the most tasty option. I will for sure be able to distance myself from white meat forever. But red meat, daarentegen… Meowww… I’m basically dreaming about the taste of some more steak (but then self-made¿) while awake, right now… I’m so hungry, but there’s no room service or nightshop close to the area I’m in right now… [And where to buy sappige midnight steak in the middle of the night¿]

    Every Saturday and Monday are my “official” cooking days. “Today” [it’s 01:29 am as I’m writing this]… I crave for more deliciousness… My mouth is already watering from the thought of what I’ll be making…

    I’ll be making:

    1. Steak with (semi-)self-made butter
    2. Supplí
    3. A salad

    [And a small pot with gestoofd vlees to make steak and cheese sandwiches with the next day…]

    1. Cuddle Steak

    You‘ll need [a translator [me¿ :D] (app) for my quick recipe drafts, maybe, because I know most foods in Dutch or Sranan Tongo] the following ingredients:

    • Juicy steak (iets pezigs… Er zijn zo veel verschillende soorten! Please experiment along with me 😀. The things I prepare are always “off the top”.)
    • Thyme
    • Nutmeg
    • Roomboter
    • Citroen
    • Kruizemunt
    • Knoflook

    2. Supplí (Cuddle Me¿)

    • “Risotto rijst” (of basmati…?)
    • Witte wijn
    • Parmesan
    • Rode pesto
    • Uien
    • Mozzarella
    • Paneermeel
    • Een ei (of meer? Afhangende van hoeveel je wil maken…)
    • (Patent¿)bloem [geen tarwebloem uit de supermarkt, for the best taste experience in dit geval… (Of altijd…?)]
    • Am I forgetting something¿

    3. Perfect Match Fusion Salad

    • Veldsla
    • Tayer
    • Wortelen
    • Tomaten
    • Soyabonen
    • Sesamzaadjes
    • Soyasaus
    • Olive oil
    • (Honey + goat cheese? Or will that be too cheesy…?)
    • Nog iets¿

    4. Lake & cheese

    • Laurierblaadjes
    • Tomaten
    • Pimentkorrels
    • Groentenbouillon
    • Uien
    • Nutmeg
    • Cheese suitable for a thick melted layer, on the stewed meat, on the sandwich…
    • “Surinaamse broodjes”

    Haha stay tuned :D. I’ll be making this later. I wish I were cooking this for my Cuddles…

    15:12 (03:12 PM) 

    Some of the groceries are for Monday’s dinner, some groceries from the list are missing, because they were already “present in the house”.

    Shout out to a Cuddle from Amsterdam, who I’ve known since day 1, for coming along with me when grocery shopping 😀

    20:01 (08:01 PM)


    I’d like to use Kobe thenext time I make thiss


    I haven’t used goat cheese, but I did use honey in my dressing. (Olive oil, soy sauce, sesame seeds and honey. Balsamic vinegar might go nice with it…)

    If you have a “frituurpan”, it’s better to put the supplí in there. (For a more even color and better melted “inside mozzarella”.)

    My Cuddle 😀

    I hope you’re experimenting with my recipe drafts… They resemble taste pallettes. I like to creatively challenge you. In this case, by giving you only the basic ingredients, and a picture of the final result…

    It turned out my father and sister u n f o r t u na te ly had other dinner plans… I have so many left-overs now “hahaha”…

    So I’ll be making the stew tomorrow or monday¿

    15:10 (03:10 PM)

    Here it is 😀

    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

    Wednesday, September 19, 2018

    02:13 (AM) 

    My Cuddle! 

    I have decided to delete parts of what I’ve previously written in this post. This diary has been used for me to vent, sometimes. As you might have noticed… It doesn’t leave room for the other anonymous party I was venting about to vent and it was just a minor aspect I needed to vent about, so what’s the point of keeping it in my history, right? [The “You’ve hurt me too often. I want to run away and never come back.” “You’re insane and irresponsible! Fine, stay away!!!” messages are something else. Dat is bijna strafbaar.]

    (Re-stated) other things I wrote:

    I guess, for about two years now, to the many people whom I have told: “Yes, we’re friends! I’ll definitely involve you in my business, once I get there!”: I really want to take those words back. To me, it isn’t right to let someone who only comes around for the end result, who hasn’t put effort in understanding what it is in the first place, to have an administrator-like role in the project… That role is for my readers! If you’re interestedd. 

    While making that statement about being friends, I thought that that person is trustable and loving. Now that, in the eyes of “society”, I have been called crazy, I see how many people have turned their backs against me. To these “friends”: I wish these people all the best in life. I PRAY I WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! 

    If you only knew how much it hurts to see others, I thought I could trust, watch me struggle for myself to be heard, while they could have helped me in the blink of an eye. THE ONLY GODDAMN THING YOU HAD TO DO IS SAY: “YES, I BELIEVE YOU.” AND THEN TELL THOSE FUCKING DUMB PSYCHIATRISTS THE SAME FUCKING THING. But unfortunately they didn’t do this. All of them already assumed that I’m crazy, before they heard my side of the story… (Fuck ’em :D.)

    Often I say: “Yes, of course we’ll hang out, once I have some free time!” 

    A true friend would study with me… Or write with me… Or talk about having self-made projects with me… I haven’t yet very closely befriended someone who has truly similar ambitions. (Some tell me that person doesn’t exist…) [By truly similar, I mean that I have project Nosce Te Ipsum and you have project “…”…… Or something else creative. If not: I DO NOT want your feedback!! Who the fuck actually thinks: “YAAAAY LEKKER AFGEZEKEN WORDEN!!!” NOT ME, FOR SURE! IT FUCKING HURTS SOOOOO MUCH!! I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU MY FULL STRATEGY YET. YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN IT’S THERE. WHY ALREADY BE NEGATIVE FOR NONSENSIC MINOR DETAILS? The essence of Cuddleship is about parties of active mutual engagement on the top level of (co)operation. (Sorry for the confusing “you’s”. I hope you can filter out which you are.)] But a lot of people I have spent time with are not that actively trying to make a change and use their creative intelligence. They just talk… It’s “fine” that they enjoy that. I do not enjoy that. This project is my passion. I’m not passionate about shit like Netflix, you’re not passionate about my things… We are not a right fit as “friends”.

    I do not want to spend the little amount of free time I have with them. It’s way too stressful. You know what they say: “If you really want it, you should make time for it.” We could have hung out many times. My intentions are to never hang out with them again. [Not all of them¿] I just don’t want to be hurtful in a confronting manner… But they have done this to me way too often themselves. 


    They try to teach me life lessons. That shit pisses me off so much, because in 10 years time they’ll still be fucking wandering themselves. It feels like an insult that they feel that I have to learn from them. I have more self-knowledge. Every time I ask them things about themselves, they say: “I don’t know.” USE THAT PHRASE ONCE, AND THE CONVERSATION IS OVER, TO ME? THINK!!!!! Why would I try explain myself in detail for that response every time… I dare you to write frequent diary posts? (Get to) know yourself! Want to do it here?

    This is diary is not my full-time occupation. This is just my hobby to fill my up my “free time” with. I’m working on my book and the rest of my business strategy, which are soon to be released. It’s an uncommon concept! What it’s about and what my business exactly does, you will see when it’s there.


    I want to work on my own projects… I want to write and do business!! I’m not running way again, though. I risk being jailed or monitored by psychiatrists for that. (If that ever happens again: committing suicide before they get the chance will cross my mind, because I see “how people have had my back before” [= S A R C A S M] and thus I’m powerless against them. My Cuddle, if this happens, please avenge my death, to still save the many people who are stuck in the system while they shouldn’t be!) [I’m not running away, but I would LOVEEEEE to get away… You too, my Graeyniss?]

    I seek mutual judgment…. I never enjoy a discussion. Unless it’s in court, to clear our names!

    Please know that when it comes to international strategy, I’ll have to know opposing views! The difference is that it’s to propose a solution everyone agrees with, instead of pointing out what the differences are.To anyone who considers to cooperate: know you will have to put in at least half as much work as I did. 

    Haha meoww I want to see my Graeynissis dance. I’ve never seen a Graeyniss dance? Ah meoow why aren’t there wild Graeyniss parties yet? Prrr. 




    Some people will be too proud to say that my writing is too complex for them and then still “interpret it”, stating that “I’m bad”. Their “followers” will do the same thing, because they also don’t understand it, but they do love being part of something! I pray our paths will never cross. I hope we can just live “together” as separate communities. In that way, you can hate all you want! Me too! We’d just be blessed with you not having to be afraid of my endeavors ever reaching you [if you believe that I’m bad, like I’ve said very often with many different words: fuck off. I’m trying to do good. If you don’t support me, the Goodniss is not for you. The cookie bar says it, too!] and my work will be closed off in the future, so you’ll never have to see me again! THAT’S WIN-WIN, RIGHT¿

    If you’re in for Project Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be together for all eternity! <3 

    14:46 (02:46 PM) 

    My Love <3

    I hope that me using caps lock often doesn’t make you think that I’m an aggressive person. 

    There where people start screaming at each other like wild animals, I tend to just end the conversation and rid myself of cropped up emotions differently. I write it out. [A punching bag would be nice, too!!] Trying to talk it out with others has this far always led to bad advice that includes the word “just”. “Just do this, an it will be over.” If it were that easy, it “just” wouldn’t have happend in the first place! 

    I want to focus on you and me more. The unjust judgment of others is such thought distortion to me. In the sense that, now that the people here believe that I’m crazy, they also believe that they “can read me better”. When I say: “I’m trying to do this,” they say: “No, you’re actually trying to do that.” There is nothing more fucking annoying in this world, to me. If. I. Were. Doing. That. I. Would. Have. Fucking. Said. It. 

    But anyway, I hope that somehow, I’ll not have these annoying people on my mind 24/7, thinking of how to convince them I’m not the bad person they’re trying to portray me as. I want to unite every single one of us! But all “human” beings as my audience might not be feasible, because some are just not open to see the good side of me, if they don’t accept my truth, I guess… [I say truth is subjective and there could be someone else with a similar form of truth. If this truth is not universal, a community with people who are like you is the most joyful one, I think. What’s the point of pointing out our differences all the time. I want us to be so loving, we’re basically One Cuddle! One entity!] 

    With these expressions of mine, I still risk having a turn-out of 0 when I launch my [this far, but hopefully one of many] life’s work. The launch will decide my fate, for there’s nothing else I enjoy in life anymore. It’s like so many people walk around with a blindfold, without ever even trying to take it off. What is the point of continuous nay-saying in a discussion? That stuff makes me feel so lonely… Yet literally everyone I’v met this far defends it. Who has taught you that? May I offer you an alternative? [Reference to what is previously mentioned.]

    I don’t want to be intimate with someone I can unnecessarily clash with. I need to be sure my heart is safe with you… The sensation of losing air and my entire body in pain, just from an exchange of words, is a sensation I never want to feel again. But for the past few years, that feeling has been CONTINUOUS :'[. I try my best not to engage in conversations that can lead to this sensation, but just the “Aww the mind is something you can’t know because you’re crazy” untrue beliefs of many can already trigger that sensation. I want to scream “AAAAAAUW” (Dutch for “ouch”) when I feel this sensation. But I try to never raise my voice, for I’m afraid of this unjustly leading to someone getting me stuck in a system I don’t want to be in. 

    Another thing that weighs on me is that I have very strong feelings for someone who has a family, and I do not want to come in between that. (While deep down I actually do. I want to wake up in your arms every day… I never have done that before! I just want to… But I was scared to say it. How dk you say “I’m in love with you” to someone who’s 25 years older than you? I miss you so :[. My B :'[.) 

    I consider myself a bisexual polyamorist [which I hope you are, tooooo!!!! <3], but my love feelings for this one person are so overpowered… They don’t fade. They can’t fade! I’d rather die, than grow old without him :[. (But I honestly don’t feel that comfortable with mentioning this to my Cuddle, because when you read this, I want you to feel that you’re my one and only… This has been on my mind for so much longer…)

    The feeling of love I feel for you is similar! For you as my Cuddle, I’m developing a new form of courtship, so that I can make you feel the love I feel for you, even from a distance! (Which I hope I’ll be able to bridge, one day. Hopefully the 30th!)

    *Extreme thought popping up:* Something that really has to die is the [WHAT. THE. FUCK?] “I’m bored. I’m now going to start an argument with someone OVER NOTHING.” WHY THE FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE THAT GET SO MUCH POSITIVE ATTENTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? ONCE THESE PEOPLE GET THE PRIMATE, WE’RE DOOOOOOOOMED. Let’s run to Planet Fang! [I think it’s a funny name for an island, hahahahaha…. Imagine this “serious news sentiment” of someone reading a message, and then saying “Planet Fang” XD. Haha (“…”) peaceeee, my Cuddle. (But stating self-defense could lead to a doubting reader, for that’s how some have been learnt to judge. “Waarom schiet je in de verdediging? Heb je wat te verbergen of zo?” What I want to say, but never say is: “Nee, lul. Ik probeer je iets uit te leggen, maar je bent te dom -.-“”)]

    As time passes by, I keep perfecting my writing. I should get to mathematics… The thought of my studies is such a headache. I would rather pay back my study financing right now and write an independent thesis [which is something I’ll do either way], than sign up for another year of study [and probably have to get a side-job again, because it might resume in FEBRUARY [IMAGINE ME DOING ROUTINOUS WORK 40HRS A WEEK AGAIN AT SOME COMPANY, UNTIL FEBRUARY :'(. I. AM. MY. OWN. BOSS. But I’m not allowed to spend too much time inside, by myself. [EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO. I HAVE WORK TO DO!] I NEEEED TO MOVEEEEE]]. Haha “Why does everything cost money?” :'[ 

    I thought of cancelling the hotel reservation, but, since there’s a chance that no one will engage in my projects (like before…), it might be one of my last times truly by myself. In comfort. This because my bank account will, then, become fully empty soon, and I’ll not be able to pay for “outside” anymore. JUST LIKE JANUARY 2017 – APRIL 20 FUCKING 18.

    16:53 (04:53 PM) 

    I’m still in bed. I wish we could cuddle. Some mistake me saying cuddle as a code for sex. I do NOT mean sex. This doesn’t mean that I do not want to have sex with you, but let’s take it slow? [See the formality? ;)] 

    I want to feel your heart beat through our embrace. I want to feel not lonely in my perception of how much the world has become a routinous machine. 

    What to eat for breaklunchnner? I haven’t eaten anything yet? May I playfully bite you…? I’m quite hungry. Haha meoow *blows on your stomach* nomnomnomnom. [I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable that I describe ways of me touching you… I’ve been wanting to do that for a looong time! I’m saying this, because in the touch of some, I feel it’s for their own arousal and not out of love. I want you to NEVER feel like that! I LOVE YOU!!!]

    I love playful neck bites, too, by the way ;]. Also, I want to one day, cuddle a body so tall that I could practically climb it. Tallniss is a great factor in making me feel safe [AND SOMETIMES IT’S THE OPPOSITE. I’LL HAVE TO GET UP AND ACT BUSY :D].

    *peace sign*


    17:20 (05:20 PM) 

    Earlier today, I received a message about my study financing that will be cut off, by the way. (Imagine if I had my own apartment…) This will make the release a bit harder… [Consider it my last attempt. I’m not going to fucking zombie the rest of my life, in some building, stating oneliners all day… Never. Again… ]

    Amical abstinence was the made up Cuddle term I was talking about, by the way. That’s The Cuddle!! 

    I actually feel too un-cuddle to study, maar “het zijn de laatste loodjes!!!!” ( x_x )

    I’ll be making unit 10 to 12 exercises, about Taylor polynomials and stuff (because those are one of the few topics I hadn’t seen in high school yet). And then tomorrow practice with old exams. 

    Haha I’m “that last-minute student”. But I did graduate from level gymnasium! (That’s where Greek and Latin are mandatory subjects, in the beginning… Für die Unterscheidung!!! Hahaha…. I kept only Latin, but I still κνο τή Γριικ αλφαβετ… It’s the Dutch survival of the fittest, those levels of middle and high school education… [Hear the similarity between the German “Unterscheidung” and Dutch “onderscheid”…])

    Also, for the pronunciation of Dutch: “ie” is pronounced as “ii”.

    18:14 (06:14 PM) 

    I think I’ll just quit my studies and try to pay back the deficit with book sales… I want to still fund project Nosce Te Ipsum with the book sales as well. I hope you won’t mind paying about $7.77 for an eBook? I also want to have paperbacks and limited edition hardcovers. The hardcovers might not exist yet on the 30th. 

    Ew, why does this system fucking exist… Why did I fucking fall for it… The policy… How can you do something like this to your indirect children? It could have been free, with ease, actually… How do you expect all of us to actually pay this back? I can’t even rent a proper apartment… This feels like a strange form of slavery. I know the lifetime total will be about €10.000,-. (IF I END MY MONTHLY FUCKING LOAN BEFORE OCTOBER. (€800 x 3 for Erasmus and €941 x 9 for the OU (unless the “travel expenses” [Ik krijg mijn studenten OV als maandbedrag. Dat is “gratis”.] are deducted)  FOR SOME OTHERS IT’S EVEN MORE!) [HAHA THAT’S BASICALLY LESS THAN MY FATHER’S MONTHLY SALARY SINCE 2012!!! WHY THE FUUUUCK DO YOU NOT GIVE ME AN ALLOWANCE?] What they’ll ask back now will probably be about €7.500,-. Haha I might go to goddamn jail for this. But I really am a full time student. I spend great parts of my study financing on my company, DIE NOG STEEDS IN HAAR FUCKING KINDERSCHOENEN STAAT… MAG DIT EEN “LEERBEDRIJF” ZIJN? The same went for my registered PR company [DE KINDERSCHOENEN]… Maybe the actual amount is less, though. I still haven’t opened the message! The mails say: “There’s a message for you about this and that in your government mailbox.” THE SUSPENSE!!!! 

    I can’t emigrate because of this. They can’t track you down when you’re abroad, and they damn sure want their money back :D. 

    19:26 (07:26 PM) 

    I think I’ll be able to pay back my student debt through my business. [AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY WITHOUT A DOUBT NEVER COME BACK!!!!] 

    I hope others will, too… They say: “Op de universiteit doe je niet veel werkervaring op. Dat wil je werkgever later misschien niet. Je kan beter een HBO student zijn.” HAHA HOE “WEET” JE DAT “NU AL”? WAT EEN ENG GELOOF!!!! HAHA DOEEEEEEIIII!!! 😀

    Deze werkgever on the other side of your screen just wants to see your Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate and Thesis  ;].

    I don’t want to be with these un-cuddles. Please buy me, my Graeyniss… 

    Haha I see the university has already signed me up for two courses. 

    This is the reason why I’m not submitting “HET BEWIJSSTUK”. The blue bar should reach the red line…

    With the “Running the Economy” module added, the amount of study hours per week was about 35! But that would be mental torture, for sure, actually… I wanted to do it to keep my study financing, but FUCK IT :D. 

    Haha if this were Facebook or something, so many of my messages would have been deleted already, because they’re “loud against the regime”… This feels like 1984 HAHA. 

    Will those people with trippy student debts owe the right to a mortgage? I intend to buy my self-designed house (on Planet Fang!) IN LEGALLY EARNED CASH :D. You too, right, my Cuddle? 


    20:33 (08:33 PM) 

    To make the fastest and most delicious “whiskey sauce”: put mayonaise and ketchup in een bakje and DO NOT ADD WHISKEY but brandy or cognac :D. I used “Rooster & Wolf”…

    The reason why I felt so mad about my sister choosing the side of my parents, is because, as soon as she hits 18, just like with me, they’ll let her financially BLEED TO DEATH, too. 

    At age 16, I was ordered to get a job, too. I worked at Albert Heijn, too. 

    Look at me now! 

    Haha who wants to be on the “schizophrenic” side of the spectrum, right? 

    I won’t beg anyone to choose my side. Do whate-ver you want. Save yourself. 

    Thoughts on travel bags as a proposed birthday present? [I was searching for a travel bag, for the suitcases I took to the US are worn out, now (tampered¿ the fuck… They “wore out” after coming back home).] It stings… I can’t go anywhere… I do not intend to be in this same situation on November 1st…. 

    [While I update down here, I sometimes also re-write pieces I’ve already written. If you refresh, you might want to check it out¿ Haha I’m addicted to it :D.]

    What to pack…? 

    I hope at the hotel, I’ll randomly catch some wild Graeynissis in the wild and be Cuddles forever… Know what I mean…? Λεγω? 

    Should I up my book price, by the way? There are so many SOCIETAL costs to cover, apart from self-expenses (I’m talking debt and basic needs). 



    And then they still preach like they’re fucking Ghandi or something. All they know is what the propagandist tells them in de FUCKING DUMB videos they watch. None of their arguments are actually arguments they have formulated themselves. They say they do good (because they have a job), but they don’t add value to this world. Of course, these people have the right to do whatever dumb shit they want to do. BUT STAY AWAY FROM MY PROJECT!  Unless your intentions are to truly do good… [I naturally detect this, sometimes. Without mentioning it. The numbers on un-cuddles surprise me… Is it national culture? They’re all soooo proud…. Answer: “OF WHAT? A NEW RECESSION?” They say: “In Nederland is alles altijd beter geregeld.” As if they dare to cross the border…]

    I’m not a nationalist. I’m not a non-nationalist. I mentioned this before. It’s just pieces of ground with people on them, who then associate their identity with the piece of ground. 

    The only way my identity is associated with the country I was born in [in the Netherlands. In Rotterdam], is because of the fucking immense ankle bracelet with financial debt I have. And how, if  I were to stay here and not do business [over my dead body], I’d have to survive as the fittest, compete within companies, to some fucking how [as a black person] be able to afford [OP ZN MINST] een vrijstaand huis. Anders hoef ik niet oud te worden. Je hebt hier bijna geen beweegruimte voor jezelf. It drives me crazyyyyy. 


    Haha by the way, when it comes to the practically non-existent amount of space in this country, I do understand the “Pleur op naar je eigen land.” There are more Surinamese people in the Netherlands, then there are Surinamese people in Surinam. Rotterdam has more citizens than all of Surinam. (Is what the numbers say?) It’s cool to study in the Netherlands – sort of [Project NTI is cooler :p] (the Surinamese university (singular…?) isn’t internationally acknowledged. They have to pay up for that. [I won’t be doing that with my project. I don’t want to be acknowledged by un-cuddles… (Or to pay up lol.) If the right people participate, that is enough acknowledgement, to me…] – but after that, you should have gone back to the country you were born in? [There’s sooooooooo much free space in Surinam. I heard that that was going to become “Israël” first, but then the plans changed…] Or elsewhere…? 

    The “Elia” family, they say, were way back, Jewish Portugese slave (plantation¿) owners. Their free slaves received their last name. (That was always with officially declared free slaves, I’ve heard.) I don’t remember the “timeline”, but the Netherlands owned Suriname last, before it became independent. Britain and Portugal were previous owners? Or did their citizens there just become indirect slaves, too? 

    I wasn’t there, so I’m not certain, haha. 

    Also, the Dutch slave trade and abolitionism are “NOT IMPORTANT” topics, these days. They’re in the school history books (distributed by THE GOVERNMENT), but they say: “Joh, die kan je overslaan.” We have literally not had a single test about this. What I know, is what I remember my grandfather and father teaching me. 

    “Privatized” doesn’t mean non-governmental….

    On the 17th of this month, I had about 881 readers. On the 18th, it were 1279. You’re awesome! 😀 <3

    The cookie law combined with the privacy law means that you’re allowed to see basic data of your audience (the cookie tracks), but that you’re not allowed to publish personal data of individuals. [I’m not allowed to publish: “Hey, I see *name* from *location*, who likes *interests*, has visited this website then and then.” I’m also not able to see that, but other organizations are able to do this. I haven’t invested much in data analysis, but you could for example see where your audience is located, for targeting reasons. That is the improvement that is spoken about. For, I can only see how many people visit, but not what their gender is, what their interests are, etc. I hope I can just (semi-)personally ask you that through my new book & project :].

    I know for sure I’m not the only one being haunted by ignorant people. Haha especially not after what they did to To Pimp A Caterpillar. 

    2Pac has a few songs I like. I have been studying music since age 9. Explain to me why he is not a legend because he got shot? Would T.P.A.C. (of which THE TITLE HAD TO BE CHANGED HAHA WHAAAAT¿) be better? 

    Ι ημ ήησιταντ υιτ ριτιν Κυδδλε… Ι υαντ το τελλ υου σομε ρεαλ σεκρετσ…. 



    01:48 (AM) 

    I love you 😀

    Good night, my Cuddle


    Blog, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Recipes

    Sunday, September 16, 2018

    11:18 (AM) 

    My Cuddleeeee <3

    Goede bijna middag 😀

    How’s your weekend? 

    If you’re new to Welcome, new Cuddle! <3 Thank you for your engagement <33

    Yesterday, an impulse made me do some pre-marketing. I hope this will help increase web-traffic when the official release date is. (Because then, I’ll do it again. It will then, for some, not be the first time you come across a personal ad.)

    I’m showing you my drafts and process, for the things we can learn from them. 

    The emptiness of my stomach woke me up this morning. I later fell asleep again. I want to eat something tasty, with true nutritional value. The shops in my neighborhood are closed today, because this is “a Christian neighborhood” [I am not a Christian, but I do sympathize with the basic aspects of showing and perceiving love that is “part of religion” (in general)].

    I decided on going to Erasmus today, to work on my statistics assignment. Hopefully, afterwards, I’ll be able to write some. [They say: “Don’t give away your location.”….. But it’s only to my Cuddle?]

    I still need to eat something… The internet says the university food court is open¿ But I won’t make it there if I don’t eat something before I start cycling… 

    12:27 (PM) 

    I’m searching for better conversationalists in my daily life… People ask me to hang out via text, but for me to say yes to this without regret [and then actually do it ;)], the conversation in which this person proposes to hang out, should at least be half as interesting… I mean, what are we actually talking about? Is the conversation helping us forward? Mostly it’s just me asking questions I actually already know their answer to. With most people who are not that interested in finding their purpose and doing good, I would rather not interact with at all. I’ll be thinking about the future of my projects while they try to discuss what was[¿¿¿ how’s that interesting?] on tv, with me. Ugh and then there’s the dudes asking me for pictures and shit -.-”

    Save me, my Graeyniss <3 :[. Please make a power move on me, hehe. 

    I want to make music with you and write together and discuss our futures and talk about our roles in the project and do business together and cuddleeee <3

    Just left the shower :D. 

    I’ll make myself some pourridge… I don’t know what else I should eat? 

    13:39 (01:39 PM) 

    Haha mid-eating

    I used corn flour (the sandy texture type), a sack of vanilla sugar, a teaspoon with normal sugar, raisins, vanilla essence, almond essence and a tiny bit of butter. 

    Haha I wonder how large the “I prefer to use a different web browser” audience is. Be my Cuddle 😀 <3

    I’ve been FB marketing in Zuid-Holland, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Milan, Los Angeles, New York, Washington, São Paulo, Paramaribo, Toronto and Miami :]. “Twenty euros well spent¿”

    16:45 (04:45 PM) 

    I already finished the rest of my assignment, played some more zombies @ Pixel Action Heroes and ate “fried egg with nothing” (melt butter in pan, add egg + salt (and random spices)). After doubting whether I should take a jacket with me or not (I’m not), I am now going to “air up” my tyres and start cyclingg.  

    I just found out that I’m allowed to drive a tractor? Haha. 

    Before I left, I also unsubscribed my grandfather from the Vara gids. 

    17:41 (05:41 PM) 

    Some things I can’t share here anymore due to the “reefer madness” level of reasoning of some parties in my “close social environment”. 

    18:23 (06:23 PM) 

    There was a folder with the old Nosce Te Ipsum episode on my computer? Grrrrrrrr

    The new one I still have though haha

    Protect my external hard drive? 

    There to the right is a video of me throwing away the stack of aripiprazol* before going to the counter to print my boarding pass etc

    My desktop :p

    Is het een “s t r a a t v e r b o d”?? [Does that exist in every country?]

    Has anyone seen my B?  :[

    Haha even serieus¿¿

    Een samenvatting van wat ik weet is [what multiple people have told me]:

    “Je hebt je moeder heel erg aan het huilen gemaakt. We hebben allemaal een bericht van een Facebookpagina gedeeld (????????) [heeft er iemand een screenshot? Ik heb het nooit gezien]. Het ging echt viral haha oh my god. Toen jij gezocht werd, werd Benoît ook gezocht.”

    ANDERE DETAILS WAREN AL VERGETEN, IS MIJ VERTELD :D. EN DAN WORDT HET RAAR GEVONDEN DAT IK ER NOG AAN DENK? IK HAD EEN PUBLIC RELATIONS BEDRIJF. But now I know: “To make it, I don’t have to make it here.” [I JUST MADE THAT UP.] Haha just go international from the start :D. 

    He is/was [will I ever see him again¿] my only outspoken cooperative Graeyniss this far, in the physical realm… Without this project succeeding, I’ll be in biiig trouble when it comes to getting out of student debt while living a life I want to live. 

    But without my B, I’ll never be able to fully succeed :[. I have the strategy, he has a better network than I have… Plus, he’s so Cuddle :D. 

    Haha is this “different in a random way” for putting this on Facebook? 


    As in my audience is anonymous? 

    Let’s do something¿

    Ah meoow but that’s why I’m writing this book. I always make the first move -.-”

    Surprise me by making the first move :D. That would make me so happy… 

    In any other case, I’ll be writing for mass engagement 😀

    19:53 (07:53 PM) 

    Κην υου ριεδ Κυδδλε? 😀 <3


    Κην υου???

    I voted “Yes” :D. You can already vote, if you like… 

    The second option will become “No”, when I get home. I made this poll on my phone, and on that I can’t seem to be able to change the answer text for the radio buttons. 

    20:05 (08:05 PM) 

    I already finished the parts of writing I wanted to do here today. Yay :D. It’s more fun when it’s done :D. Then we can Cuddleee…

    * Their test format, with reference to the previous picture, was….

    Okay, look…

    When you’re near me, you can sometimes clearly see my skull move. And I said: “Every time you see my skull move, I hear his voice. That is something I like [a lotttttttt].” I said that “in confidence”. That back-fired big time. 

    Their “research format” (*”barf”*) was: 

    “Do you hear voice?” 

    • Yes = pills
    • No = no pills

      “In the beginning”, after my sister, parents and I came back from the EHBO and all of a sudden there were two “psychiatrists” in my bedroom, I didn’t talk. I don’t remember the first time I took their medication, but after I was found after having been missing, at least twice a week there were “doctors” in my house. I told them I didn’t want their “help” and denied their medication. I kept denying that I heard a voice, even though I hear one through the movement of my skull [You can seriously feel it… But calling me crazy would be “the easy way out”]. 

      After a few MONTHS and their frequent visits, I decided to change my script, hoping that they would then fucking stop wanting to talk to me and call me crazy. This one “psychiatrist on nurse level” (“VERPLEEGKUNDIGE”) said: “Yes, you can really trust me. I will not consider it impossible and base my diagnosis on that.” 

      AND THEN SHE DID :D. “Brain-to-brain communication is not real”, they say… 

      [BUT I CAN PROVE IT!! If ANYONE would let me. Just for one hug from him?]

      I then started with fluanxol. The muscle stiffness was ve-ry heavy on me. 

      While on medication [haldol, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes.” (Ik kreeg een “kaakklem”. That is where you lose control of your jaw and tongue muscles and can’t stop sticking out your tongue and showing your teeth, to pull them back in and do the same thing again. Uncontrollable. They gave me an antidote?)

      New type of medication [risperidon, I really took this]: “Do you hear voice?” “Yes. Also, I WANT TO DIE.” [In Erasmus Medisch Centrum, I tried to kill myself. (But they take away sharp things etc… As you can see, I didn’t succeed.) But many patients there HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.] 

      New type of medication, because the two-week meds test trial ended: 

      Off medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.]  “We still want you to take medication for at least a year, since “you are a schizophrenic”.”

      Very fakely on medication: “Do you hear voice?” “No.” [Lie.] “Great! Now you only have to do a blood test [but apparently this was going to be a frequent thing] and visit us once a week.” If I didn’t, they would start a court case against me. The first blood test, I took an overdose the day before (and lied to the “”friend” of my parents who was their messenger, asking me shit when I broke contact with them” about taking them D A I L Y like I was ORDERED TO) 

      21:07 (09:07 PM) 

      I just came back home. Haha my entire personal life is public :D. I like transparency. The Dutch / they say: “Don’t tell anyone personal things. You might be assassinated for it.” 

      You knew I was at the university¿

      Haha it was Cuddle :D. 

      I might finish my heartache story after “dinner”. This was in the old Nosce Te Ipsum. Should I include it?? 😀 Should I include them both?? 😀 Episode 1 and 2, previously deleted… 

      I’ll check my external hard drive!! 

      I’ll allow (haters) + people who understand my writing to propose corrections and then allow my hand-picked Cuddles to accept or decline them AND PUBLISH THEM WITH COMMENTS???. I don’t let my book be proofread. (Because of slow reading for misplaced commas and other nonsense and wanting to be Cuddles fast + it’s my book so if you want to write, write your own book :D.)

      I wonder what my web-traffic increase is 😀

      I made this in the Erasmus hospital. It was a “creativity assignment”. (THE HUMILIATION.)

      It says:

      1. Getting the fuck out of here. (Before Christmas. All of us.)
      2. (Contributing to) eternal peace
      3. Moving to a different country

        In Cuddle :D. 

        22:46 (10:46 PM) 

        My battery is going to die. I’ll be playing Pixel Action Heroes in my bed. 

        I love you, my Cuddle

        Good night


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        WILHELMUS 2.0

        MY CUDDLES

        LET’S UNITE


        AND MAKE OUR OWN :D.




        [Your recipe for survival. Even though they say there will be no internet? Because you’re not allowed to share the details on how LETTING YOU DIE IS MUUUUUUCH CHEAPER. THE ROADS ARE TOO BUSY FOR EVACUATION. WE WILL NEED TO FIGHT FOR OURSELVES. LET’S BUILD OUR OWN SAFETY. (If you, at the sentence about fighting, thought: “I’ll kill you first!”, I would like to say: GOOD FUCKING LUCK, BITCH :D.) ]

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        PLA-NET FANG!!! 

        HEEEUUYUUUEEEEYYUUUUU *sound of hyped masses you hear at “spelen”*

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

        Tuesday, September 4, 2018

        13:32 (01:32AM CEST +0 UTC?) 

        Good afternoon, My Meow

        How’s your day? 

        I want to insert polls in my diary posts (then it becomes more of “our diary”), but I work so much slower on my laptop… (And it’s more interactive, which would be a more fun read, I think.) 

        Sometimes after work, and lately after waking up, I read what is trending on my “blog”. The mood I was in when I started to write on this blog, is so very different from the mood I am in now.
        19:04 (07:04 PM) 

        I’m eating a meal prepared with ingredients I found in the house. The ingredients were a pack of Shanxi noodles, an union, some garlic, hoisin sauce, cajun spices, laos, ketjap (over the noodles after boiling them), salt, sugar snaps, two packs of shrimps out of the freezer and two packs of tofu (for (deep) frying).

        21:15 (09:15 PM) 

        My parents will be back on the 8th. (They went to Curaçao (+ North Sea Jazz Festival Curaçao) for 10 days.) My need for my own place to stay is less large now, but I know it’ll become twice as much (now that I’m used to being at home “by myself” (again)  (my sister is in her or my parents’ room, watching tv most of the time)) coming weekend. I like to keep my focus on my own work and exams. 

        I have done some statistics today. At some point I had a look at the “handbook”, which contains an overview of all formulas and “orders of formulas to use to get a needed value”. We’re allowed to have the handbook with us when we make the test… I don’t think I need much more than that? 

        23:08 (11:08 PM) 

        I just changed my sheets… It has been a while :’D. 

        I want to give a aunt and a cousin immunity throughout these posts. 

        Blog, Images, Online Diary, Recipes

        Saturday, September 1, 2018

        09:46 (AM) 

        Gooood morning! <3

        Let’s be cosy Bedcuddles this weekend? This because we need to save up energy, for going hammer during the Project Nosce Te Ipsum preparation weeks, starting this Monday. 

        18:35 (06:35 PM) 

        I’ll be being this Bedcuddle part-time, though. I’ve worked 8 am – 4:30 pm today and I’m doing the same thing tomorrow. Will you Bedcuddle for me?  <3 

        Tomorrow I’ll be “running the floor” solo. All other people from my department have had their last day either today or a day before that. I’m the last one of the “substitute transportation Summer department”. Haha I feel quite Cuddle to say thay I feel honored for being given this responsibilty. I want to excel at everything I do, so when I’m working, even though I’m not showing it or talking about it, I think: “I want to something good that hasn’t been done before yet. (As in making history.) I want to be better at this than everyone here.” (And when I don’t, I feel so un-cuddle. That’s what I had at the previous university I was studying at. Erasmus University. Wanting to be an honor student, but having too many side-activities and passions taking away my focus, while I needed to focus enough to get to that level I know I could have reached.) 

        On the other hand, I’m quite very excited that this Summer is over. I agreed with working 40 hours a week, from June to the beginning of September, while my school year at the Open University reached its peak. This to save up to earn the initial investment my business needs to grow out into the multi-component organization I want it to be. I’m exhausted and glad I won’t have to make so many work hours anymore, doing something that requires a lot of energy attention-wise, but not much reasoning, because it’s the same procedure in a unique form every time. (It is the talking of the client that starts to sound like a script at some point, hearing someone new say something you’ve heard the last client you’ve spoken to say as well, while I’m using my “script”. [I don’t get how people think it’s normal to complain about the company that is trying to help you, to the company that is trying to help you.]) [Actually, even though talking is a great part of the service I’ve assisted to deliver, my job could be computerized very easily, I’ve noticed. (That would also save a lot of waste-of-time hours listening to someone rage on the phone.)]

        I “secretly” learnt a lot about business processes in practice and it felt really cool being as young as 21 and working in the headquarters of a company e-ve-ry-one in this country knows. 

        When I used to think of what kind of influence my business would have, I thought of giving everyone an alternative to being systematically forced to work (by people who like to play around with laws to earn more). [The signal of “We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing” the Dutch government gives, keeps getting stronger and stronger…. I need to move :D.] But here I’ve learnt that some people just really live to spend more than 70% of their free time to do routinely work, solely to pay for the essentials they need to survive. (Something to eat every day (quality doesn’t matter), pay rent, a holiday once a year and some extra to spend on things they like or feel they need.) To the question “What’s your purpose? What do you want in life?”, they’ll keep answering “I don’t know”, because they feel contempt with the life they live, where they’re subjected to whether the company (still) wants them or not. They say the routine gives their life meaning. [Those two questions I just mentioned, are the questions I ask almost everyone when I meet them for the first time. Only with some Graeynissis, who(m?) I don’t meet that often, sadly, I’m afraid to ask, because hearing a Graeyniss talk about (yet) unachieved goals makes me sad. Especially when they’re literally grey… But Meow, we’ll get there together!!!] 

        So the alternative lifestyle where we don’t have to spend so much time sweating over things you didn’t sign up for when you were born, will be available only to us Cuddles. The extremely chill [I’m not talking about cold, baby…] working circumstances will be there for us, because the knowledge we have and the things we can do, at the level of high quality we do them, can be done only by us. Through D. O. C. I. S. International, we’ll form one big financial unit (of sole proprietors and their businesses), who will support each other in the alternative and “risky” paths we all have chosen, for all eternity.  

        I hope I’ll be able to get this business off the ground at once, and I’ll never have to work for a boss again. I need a lot more over-experienced Graeynissis for this, though. For my business to be successful, I need to know the ins and outs of the system by heart. I know this is not that available in books, and there are plenty of Graeynissis who have this knowledge and are, deep down, very eager to share this. Also, I learn a lot faster from listening to a Graeyniss, instead of reading. (I am also not that big a fan of today’s literature………)

        Me thinking “Am I going to take a nap in the car during this break? But then I’ll only have a few minutes to eat… “

        I came up with a very very very fast recipe for a salad with, “as usual” a combination of flavours you’ve never tasted before

        Two days ago, by the way, I prepared steamed salmon with fried Shanxi noodles and vegetables… I should have used more vegetables (I used what I found in the house that seemed suitable, which was paksoi and a courgette), but the combination of noodles and hoisin sauce is amazing. Plus the salmon had steamed so long, it melts on your tongue… Ahh meow, just typing about it makes me want to eat it again! It was very simply prepared by putting some (real!) butter (NO MARGARINE!!!!) into a small bowl and adding lime juice, thyme and salt to this. Then in the bottom pan of your steam pan put some vegetable stock and put the butter on top of the salmon while it’s getting steamed. If you keep an eye on the water level, since it shouldn’t dry out, and let it on the stove for at least 30 minutes (the longer,  the better, though), you’ll experience the same awesomeness… 

        By the way, if you drive a diesel car, it doesn’t matter what type of diesel you put in it, right? Normally at the gas stations I go to, there’s only one type of diesel. This time, I had to choose between FuelSave diesel and VPower diesel. I chose VPower, because I hoped it would make the car go faster hahaha. I’ve spent so much on gas these months, while it’s my mother’s car, who could easily miss the gas money, while I’m saving to cover my business expenses (and buy myself things, for which I haven’t had the money for years).

        D. O. C. I. S. International sells the services and products of its (Council) members. Some will be sold to the masses, some will be sold to their members. My products and services, for example, will not do well @ the masses. They require a lot of “pre-knowledge” and interest in something that isn’t propagated by today’s mass media. 

        Monday I can finally start setting out exact time related goals for this project. I do need to study in the meantime, but this won’t be as occupational as working 40 hours, while having 2 tests about every two weeks. This is all part of the plan. 

        I’m going to eat some midnight salad, take off my make-up, brush my teeth, lake and sleep. It’s exactly 00:00 now. 

        Good night, my love. <3

        Blog, Drafts, Recipes

        Fresh noodles for lunch

        Fresh noodles (for 4 people haha) (7), courgette (5), plantain (2), eggs (3 fry them in the same pan), tomatoes (5), cumin (4)(6), cinnamon (6), santen (4), laos (6), soy sauce (replacing salt, for me)(8), half an union (1). 

        The numbers indicate the order I’ve added the ingredients in. 

        I actually wanted to use five spices, but there wasn’t any. This is another food improv. Some mild sambal of your preference will go very nice with this. 

        Don’t use the sack of spice/sauce that comes with your noodles (if that’s the case). 

        Online Diary, Recipes

        Back At It: Thursday, July 19, 2018

        16:27 (04:27 PM)

        Hey youuu

        I have missed you so much!!

        After my “mission” in the US, and me showing a very emotional side of myself on this blog, I told myself to not share my thoughts on this blog again. For the sake of attracting a larger audience and accomplishing my life goals (creating a new world, etc…). My thoughts are very “untraditional”… And I REALLY dislike defending myself against someone who solely intends to push their opinion, while not trying to even understand mine. I was afraid someone would verbally attack me for the way I express myself on this blog. But, as usual, there’s a lot of unspoken turbulence in my life and I need to express that somehow…

        Before I dive into the turbulence [I want to make clear I am not “un-cuddle” and what my thoughts are on my thoughts on certain parties, which I’ve expressed in older posts. If you’re going to read my older posts, reading the thoughts on my thoughts is a must read, to understand why “it happens”] I want to write down what I put in the pasta I made for lunch/dinner at work, I ate today (and yesterday…..).

        Tagliatelle, aubergines, tomatoes, union, stock block, saffron, turmeric, cinnamon + … (“Jonnie Boer kruidenmix”), creme fraîche.

        21:55 (09:55 PM)

        But of course I had to work in the meantime haha. My shift ends in 5 minutes.

        00:42 (AM)

        And now I’m in bed. I’m too tired to finish my stories now. Hopefully I’ll have some time tomorrow morning and in between clients, tomorrow afternoon/evening.

        Drafts, Recipes

        Toast with eggs without a toaster

        I don’t have a toaster here, but I felt like eating toast with fried eggs. I ended up taking out the center piece of the bread like this:

        Crumbing the part I had taken out, in the mixture of eggs, tomatoes, sardines and mediterranean spices. I put the pieces of bread into a frying pan with some butter, baking it very lightly before adding the egg mixture into the center part. By frying it a little before you add the mixture, the bread stays crisp, which makes it feel like you’re eating toast, even though you’re not using a toaster. (If you have a toaster, you could put the bread in there before taking the center piece out and adding it to the mixture. Then you don’t have to fry the bread first.)

        Drafts, Recipes

        What I made for that visit

        Pasta with paksoi and paprika. I didn’t have any other vegetables… But it’s about the combination of spices that turned out soo well: kerrie, white wine, (extra) cinnamon, creme fraîche and a stock block.

        Drafts, Recipes

        Pasta: higher budget

        When I spent two days with basically no food, I thought of what I would make if I would have an infinite budget and an infinite set of ingredients to choose from. I was still thinking of making something that is prepared quickly, so I thought of this:

        Pasta with grilled salmon and white asperges, with butter sauce with thyme and lime. (I’ve made a lot of pasta lately. That’s because, before that, I was eating a lot of rice. I have a library of rice dishes, like I have a library of pasta dishes.)

        When I’m out there, I’ll re-write this draft and film myself preparing the dish.

        Blog, Drafts, Recipes

        Pasta: fast & low budget (vegetarian)

        This was by far the fastest dish I’ve ever made.

        I used:
        Grated cheese (a lot)
        An union
        Tomatoes (a lot, I used 5, but this is not “for one day”)
        “Sea salt with Mediterranean herbs” (the mixture I’m using also has a hint of red pepper in it)
        Unsalted butter

        If you’re on a budget, like I was, when I came up with and cooked this, this is a very tasty and financially strategic dish. For $16 I bought everything new, at the Publix supermarket (I also bought chewing gum). (This is a relatively expensive supermarket. You could get these things for even less.)
        Since I’ll be here in Miami for only one more day, and I have no other groceries here, I’m going to eat the same thing tomorrow.

        While the water for the pasta was getting heated up, I cut the onion and tomatoes. I started to boil the pasta. In a separare large frying pan, I fried the union in butter and added a little of the spice mix to it. When the unions “became see-through” (not literally), I added the tomatoes. Add some spice. When the tomatoes start losing their shape, add the pasta. (Add spice again.) Let the mixture cook for a while. (I like every taste of my food to be in the foreground. But I don’t add that crazy much every time. I think it’s because they’re not fresh herbs, that the taste isn’t that strong, so you need more. It still tasted really nice, though. (Way nicer than I expected.)) When the pasta is al dente (add a little bit of water and let it evaporate, if it isn’t), stir in the cheese. (They only had these big bags of grated cheese at the supermarket. (They’re big compared to Dutch standards. There were even bigger bags…)) The amount of cheese I used is enough to call it “mac and cheese with tomatoes and Mediterranean herbs”. (Even though, “normally” (it’s not that often) when I make mac and cheese, I add creme fraiche and garlic to the mixture.)

        Eet smakelijk :]

        Since I was cooking for only one person, from all the tomato mixture I made (I used about five large tomatoes. The union I bought was so big, compared to Dutch standards) I only used half to add the pasta and cheese to. The other half, I put aside to cool, to refrigerate and use tomorrow.

        Tomorrow, I’ll boil the rest of the bag of pasta I have, heat up the tomato mixture, add the pasta, drained, and add the cheese to it. An even faster version than today’s. You could also put the mixture in the freezer, in case you have a day on which you don’t feel like cooking, but still want to eat home cooked food, or you want to save up (again). Or both, hehe.

        Because I don’t have olive oil and salt here (I checked into this kitchenette hotel room today), I stirred the pasta (I used rigatone, but you could use any type of pasta with this mixture) while it was cooking and added a cube of butter, after draining it, to prevent it from sticking.

        Drafts, Recipes

        Pasta (vegan): “The Last Meal” (saffron & basil + veggies)

        When I cook, I always try to discover new tastes. I’ve never tried the combination of basil and saffron before. “The Last Meal” I’ve prepared for my family. Today. Last meal ever. We’ve eaten so much takeout food and many (unhealthy) restaurant dinners, I’m starting to receive complaints on my weight gain again. Once I’m done with all publishing aspects of episode 1, which is tonight, I’ll have time to work out again. 

        It’s on the stove, as I’m writing this recipe draft

        I’m using half a pumpkin (3), two egg plants (aubergines) (3), an union (1), tomatoes (2), garlic (2), basil (3), oregano (3), saffron (3), a stock cube (3) and a teaspoon of sugar (4). The numbers indicate the order I’ve added the ingredients in. Real basil, real saffron and real stock will make it taste better for sure. But I don’t have that to my access right now. I considered using creme fraîche as well, but I don’t have that to my access right now and the shops are closed, since it’s White Monday. 

        Of course, with this recipe, you could use any type of pasta, except macaroni (unless you cut everything in very very very tiny pieces. I say no macaroni because, to me, it just feels odd if the vegetables are bigger than the pasta). I’m using spaghetti. I cooked it in vegetable stock. 

        I thought of adding lentils, before I started cooking, but while cooking, I didn’t think of it. Another time I’ll experiment with lentils. (I’ve tried lentil soup, but I’ve never cooked anything with lentils myself. It tastes like something you could make this good Turkish style bread with, though. (Could it still be as airy? I love Turkish bread!) Or make a potato spread with.)

        Bon appetit

        The responses to my food have been positive, besides the fact that I should have used more salt. To me, that means that I should have used more of all of the other ingredients. I like food with a strongly flavorous, but still subtle taste. Adding salt takes the subtleness away. The thing with the non-fresh ingredients I’m using, is that its taste is quite artificial and you need to add sooo much of it to really be able to taste it in your food. I’ve seriously used a quarter of the little glass pot of basil I’ve used, to be able to taste it in the dish. 

        I can’t wait to cook with real saffron one day. To make my taste buds happy. That reminds me of something I wanted to show you. Is this typically Dutch, or do they do this in other countries as well? This is a waste of plastic. 

        What you see is what you get. This was all of the saffron that was in the little tube. I used water to get all of it out. I need to move to a different country. This is how Dutch manufacturers scam their clients, isn’t it? “That’s a euro of fake saffron right there.” I’d like to go to Iran one day.

        I think the combination of spices was good, but the amount and “realness” of the saffron was far from enough, so I’m not sure. Maybe some rosemary and a bay leaf would go well with this dish. 

        I’m going to start editing the video for my first episode now. 



        Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Videos

        Tuesday May 15, 2018

        19:58 (07:58 PM)

        I was starting to feel bad for leaving. But then I heard (in English, with an intentional “funny accent”), while this mf was poking in my belly (that already hurt): “You need to start working out. Damn. Go to the gym six days a week.” You need to buy proper groceries and stop buying takeout food you overweight fleh. I didn’t say a thing. If I would speak my mind, I could terminate my mission.

        And that was before I received my second round. They don’t need to eat as much as I do. They don’t get as fucking hungry as I get (I’m talking headaches and near fainting). Because they don’t use their fucking brains.

        The first round I had ordered three small rolls. The second (and last… even though I could still eat more) round I had five small rolls.

        I know that “relationship ending” conversation with my sister is one of her “succesful” anecdotes. How tf can you do that and then say: “Can I borrow your charger?” “Can I borrow your calculator?” “I forgot my *fucking essential products*, can I borrow yours?” “I don’t like fish. Can you cook something else.” “I’m having friends over, could you cook this and that for them?” I haven’t finished that one NTI story about “our fight over Whatsapp and SMS”, but she had taken two days off school after a fight she had caused herself. Telling everyone “I had another attack of craziness”. Even this fleh stalker friend of my parents knew it right when it started. I was at my grandmother’s then. My grandma was at the hairdresser. I was working on NTI. I had blocked her on Whatsapp and SMS. She called my grandmother’s house phone a few times, but I didn’t pick up. I unblocked her for a second to tell her she should stop calling, looking for beef, and focus on her tests. She ended up coming by my grandmother’s house. I told her she should go back home and study. She said she wanted to “talk it through”. I asked her: “What is there to talk about?” Then she said: “Yeah I was pissed because you said these mean things about our parents and you told me to pick a side, so I picked theirs, since you were being so hateful.” I told her that I hadn’t told her to pick a side. I had said that I want her to make an independent decision, so I wasn’t going to argue for why she should pick my side. [She has cleeearlyyyy picked my parents’ side. So when Nosce Te Ipsum is succesful, she won’t get any benefits of the project either. She was the only exception, in the end. But fuck that. More benefits for you is a way better decision, my cuddle. Remind me that I never change my mind on this, even when they use their nasty “passing guilt” tricks on me.]

        Then she said: “No, you have never said that.” I said: “What the fuck? Why would I lie about that?” She said: “Because you always want to be right. I hate it when people lie to me.” I immediately handed her my phone, after she said hers was empty, after I had told her to prove to me that I was lying (which was bullshit). I showed her the message saying that independent decision thing. She said: “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” I told her: “Well, find your message, then.” Being damn sure I didn’t say it and she wouldn’t be able to fucking find it. She couldn’t find the message. She told me I had deleted the message, because I wanted to be right. Okay, I know I’m good at being steps ahead and stuff, but what the fuuuuuck is this??????? If I would have deleted only that message, I would have somehow known that she was coming to my grandmother’s house. And then I would have spontaneously deleted that one message? Because my sixth sense would tell me she would come looking for more beef or something? Hell fucking no, man. Ahahaha. I don’t even know how that should have made sense. I wonder how she couldn’t see how dumb she sounded. They always say shit like: “You’re always doing evil shit, but you never look in the mirror, Dominique.” Do they even know what a mirror is? (Do they even mother fucking know me?) What the fuck do you do by making that statement (evil motherfucker)? When I was little, I would actually adapt my behavior and beliefs to these statements, saying “Yes. I am evil. I am dumb. I am not enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Hmmm… I tried to commit suicide when I was 10… Hmmm… Coincidence? I think not. Fucking murderers. This type of satanistic people have had the primate for as long as I have been alive. (Not only in my family. In sports. In music. In politics. In PR. In sneaky shadow government shit. In everything. My grandfather is the only exception I have known, who was also aware of this. Too bad my parents let him die.) IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRULY EMPATHIZE (they don’t even know who they are or what they want…) AND THUS SHOULDN’T BE THE ONES SETTING THE STANDARDS. BEING A HATER SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED. BEING A “NERD” SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.

        Why isn’t she diagnosed with fucking paranoia? Is it just me, or does she sound fucking dumb re-starting a fight over a letter about me wanting to put more love into our relationship? In a way, I’m happy I found out she was a snake (too), before I would have ran away and still kept her in my life. What if this side of her had revealed itself to me, mid Nosce Te Ipsum? That would have been fucked up for all mankind. She wants to become a psychologist… What the fuck… “I’m depressed.” “No. You’re lying!!!!” Ahahahaha. (I type “haha” but I want to cry so loud about this. I haven’t told anyone about this and ALL these motherfucking snakes know we have had this fight. They have NO sense of empathy. FUCK them. Let them watch Netflix for the rest of their lives and stay THE FUCK out of my project. Blacklist.)

        The story about this beef is even longer. It turned out that my mother had brought her to my grandmother’s house (of course…). It turned out that she had brought a friend along, who was waiting in the car outside. They said things like: “I don’t understand how some people say words hurt them.” “Maybe you just have a very heavy form of autism, Dominique.” “No. Going to the psychiatrists is good for you.” I bought a new pack of cigarettes that day. After I had quit for a while. I really needed some moments to be outside. Alone. Not in the same space. I can’t be in the same building (any building) as them, without feeling sooo much stress. I’ll tell you the full story later. I have saved the entire Whatsapp conversation, I’ll DEFINITELY show you and translate for you. I need this. But it’s getting late. It’s 04:18 (AM) now. I was about to go to sleep, when I checked the layout of my article, and saw that a sentence, about me not having finished a topic in NTI, wasn’t finished. I ended up typing out this entire story. I’ll make this article a featured one. It shows the snakey side of my “main” family members. (The only people I see these days. 24/7. Since I broke contact with all of my “friends”.) Hopefully you, my Cuddle, understand why run. Moments like these would empower my suicidal feelings, when I was younger. Now they empower my fire that on the one hand makes me want to fight them. But knowing they believe I’m crazy, my arguments won’t be listened to – I would just get locked into an institution with a warrant, thanks to them (snakes) – my fire empowers my ability to very carefully and secretly strategize my escape, after which we’ll be able to fight “an equal battle”. Now, if I fight back, I could get locked up. Then, they could get locked up for fraud, sexual intimidation, sexual harrassment, being shitty parents, emotional damage on a hisoric level (affecting my hidden witnesses, which makes all of this soooooooooooooooooo much worse, since they stay hidden when I’m unknown and “crazy”), and soo many many many more things.

        So, before I started re-editing, I was talking about my father…

        Making the same “joke” more than twice is also getting fucking annoying. I told my mother I just texted someone, asking if she can make box braids for me. This man keeps saying: “Haha did you say butt braids?” “Ohhhh you’re getting butt braids.” People don’t believe me anymore when I say this man behaves so fleh, but today I took a picture that says “endless possibilities” when it comes to this man’s personality. Oh my god.

        01:23 (AM)

        I’m now at question 5 out of 9 questions. Every question has quite some subquestions. (Question 3ai,ii,iii,bi,ii,iii…) For question 6 I need to install a computer program with this shitty internet connection and I have never used the program before. My alarm goes off at 8. We’re going to be wandering through the jungle all day… I’m just making this test to shut these people the fuck up. But I shouldn’t fuck up myself to be able to have more ammo to fight them off. I’m so extremely tired. I can’t even sleep after my day in the jungle because I need to untie all of my braids, wash and condition my hair, comb it and braid it into the right model. For the next day.

        Funny thing, that I told my mother I shouldn’t go to Suriname because I have tests, to which she replied: “But that is “ongezellig” [fuck that subjective bullshit word] and you’ll get plenty of time to make the test.” To them, plenty of time is when I take the shortest naps ever during the day, because I don’t get to sleep at night. “I’m wasting my time.” They say. Fuck them to the power of infinity. Squared. I am so fucking pissed. I just had this “flash forward” of how this discussion (they’ll start a fight) after I’ve told them I didn’t finish the test, because of the remaining activities during this holiday and the internet connection. They’ll feel like “it’s their fault”, since they’re the ones “in charge of the activities”, so they’ll start using all kinds of shitty argumentation, to put the blame on me. As fucking usual. As ALL fucking flehs do. I’m going to make an audio recording of the conversation. (I’ve also made an audio recording of when my father and I dropped my aunt off, picking up the car she picked us up in, and changed pants (in the same room… But that is “normal”)… More fraud talk, immoral statements and shallow nonsense from their side.)

        I’m so heartbroken over losing my streak of A’s… I could literally cry. This reminds me when I got my first 9 out of 10, when I was 6, and these flehs started to diss me. I’m back at exactly this again. The way history repeats itself is crazy.

        Then I had taught myself to say “fuck it” (internally) and aim for putting in the least effort possible, but still pass, so that I can still say that I didn’t put all of my heart and soul into it, when I don’t get the (100% out of 100%) result I want and could easily achieve. I’m already not giving it my all, this Open University, but I was still getting representations “of my intelligence” as my results. I always tell people my low grades are a choice, and they don’t say anything about my intelligence. They don’t understand that decision and still call me dumb. Dumb motherfuckers (who are getting soooo blacklisted). Shit like this (my parents making decisions) are ALWAYS the MAIN factor, causing me having to get a low grade. A decision like: “Today, we’re going to clean the entire house. Je mag niet “weer” [I literally did that once, when I was 14 or so. But now that they treat me like I’m crazy, I do it as often as possible. Since, “since I’m crazy”, project Nosce Te Ipsum is my full time job. On the side, I deal with full time bullshit. Every moment I have to relax, I use to relax. (But what is relaxation if I use it to write these very long updates…?)] je snor drukken. [That’s Dutch for a very barbarian way of saying: “Don’t bail the fuck out again.” (So “double-barbarian”, since I said “fucking”.) Literally translated it’s: “Don’t press your mustache again.”]” When I know I only need three days of non-stop studying to pass a test. Then I do need those full three days. Dammit.
        I would rather finish the test than go to the jungle, because, for my “ego” I prefer an A+ over “interesting pictures”. “Relaxation” (making pictures, looking for pretty sights) would be more fun than doing math (because it’s a test (for a grade) and not Nosce Te Ipsum or a puzzle), but the “relaxation” is accompanied with flehs. I want these pictures. I want to sleep in the car for three hours extra (because I don’t even have the entire day to make the test (need to take the London time zone into consideration), so I wouldn’t be able to sleep extra during the day if I would stay in the hotel to make the test. Who else has ever said “to stay in the hotel to make the test”? Ahahahahahah. I write so much and make so many videos and (written) music and other stuff, but feel like these are things no one can relate to, and thus I will only get judged (stabbed in the heart, figuratively) for. I make it for cuddles, though. It’s 02:20 now. I’m going to finish my short letter on why I’m not finishing it, then submit it, try to fall asleep for way too long and then hear my alarm go off at 8 AM. *Sarcastic :D*

        Good night, sweetie

        I wish we were just cuddling

        And these flehs didn’t exist

        (If I only had to take myself into consideration and not my parents and the rest of the globe (since I need to take them into consideration when they try to put the blame on me, e-ve-ry time), I would have been more relaxed, I would have been a different person, we would have been together already, we would have made so many positive changes, we would have been so much more happy, I wouldn’t have known what having a stroke feels like, et cetera. Fleh.)

        I love you so, so much



        I’m now submitting the test and I still need to pack… It’s so hard to fall asleep because my grandmother doesn’t want to sleep with all the lights off. The light in the bathroom stays on. When the light in the bathroom is on, the “air filter” goes on as well… It’s like sleeping on a plane…

        05:05 (AM)

        I just added so many tags to this article. Oh. Reminder to self to make a recipe for fish soup with lemongrass and coconut milk (and many other ingredients. Don’t try making soup with only those two ingredients because it will have a very “weak” taste). Boom. Now it’s a recipe too. Oh and also, Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1 is online on Tidal and Google Play. I went to an art gallery today. I’ve said this in my video, but I’m typing it again now. This is inefficient. I’m tired. I still want written and video diaries though.

        I need something to be cornerstone content. Something that is a very close reflection of self. Something that represents all of my situation… Hmmm… Heheheee. That’s why I want this to be in all categories. Even though there are spelling and grammar errors. Call it “natural typing”. Flehs got nothing on me.

        For the sake of my escape, thank god I didn’t take the blood test. Six days left. They will not read a word of the words I’ve written.


        dominique elia missing for SEO reasons.

        dominique elia missing, yes. Noooooooooo. (That’s “speaking Rotterdams”…)

        [As in those who knew about me going missing don’t know my side of the story, but they should… The “search content” should be re-directed to this…]

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