Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rationalization [Sunday, October 20, 2019]

This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection.ย 

My love,

What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one:

Why am I keeping this blog?

To portray a shift from the perspective of the one putting it in motion. My mission is and always has been to redesign the system (combination of economics, politics, law et cetera) to the versatile and sustainable mechanism it should be (and already could have been). On my blog, I share information about what concepts I am developing to put into practice and I share the methods I use to and circumstances under which I am doing this. Consider it real-time history in the making.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

What direction am I working towards?

All of my diary posts until about July, as one story, describe my perspective on change, politics and society in general (as well as a detailed description of general living circumstances). A summarization of this:

  • I consider culture the greatest cause of today’s societal problems.

There are many rants of me venting about the disturbing aspects of culture. By culture I mean the standards by which people treat and communicate with each other, what is considered “good/cool” and what is considered “bad/lame” in general (not only morals, also trends) and traditional habits.

Let me illustrate this by sharing my perspective on this video:

Mister Kuzu from the DENK party starts off his speech by standing up for Dutch people with Turkish roots in this time of increased political tension in Turkey, to which a lot of Dutch people with Dutch roots respond with discrimination. The Dutch media proclaim Turkey has taken illegal measures and in every single interruption of mister Kuzu his speech, members of the Second Chamber demand that he says that what the Turkish government is doing in name of mister Erdogan is wrong. Mister Kuzu refuses to do this and the rest does not understand why.

Culture is a great problem here, because the opinion of the majority of Dutch Dutch people is based on the conclusions they draw from reading newspapers. The perspective of Turkish Dutch people is based on their roots (thus information passed from generation to generation) and have a direct ethnical connection with the conflicts at the Turkish border(s) (causing most Dutch Dutch and other people to identify them with this political issue, which is so simplistic).

In all of politics, people may disagree or decide not to choose a side. If the entire Chamber except DENK wants to judge Erdogan for his actions, why is that such a big problem? Why may he not disagree with the great majority in this discussion? I don’t think the Turkish government cares much about the opinion of the Dutch government – especially in this case (where they still carry the heaviest load in the immigration crisis) – in the first place? This digitalized drama media culture justifies all sorts of nonsense.

The migration conflict (as well as other conflicts) brings me to my second view:

  • Communities should be based on personality and ambitions, instead of nationality, ethnicity and interests.ย 

The classification can be defined by the Nosce Te Ipsum survey, of which the outcome describes your personality and ambitions in a fixed format.

  • In my view, overpopulation is one of the greatest causes for growing environmental damage. Something for which the most rational solution should be sought.

I have done a couple of suggestions. Though they all relate to death and warfare in a specific non-discriminatory context. Based on personality, ambitions and competence, one will or will not be targeted. Here age, race, religion, disabled/not disabled, et cetera do not play a role in deciding if you will stay or not. (Rational: if you spend life wasting resources without contributing anything, why live? (If one’s answer to that is “well you can have a great time with your friends blah blah”: doing that for 1 year is the same as doing that for 50 years. For the sake of saving the planet better keep it short.))

But most people probably find that everyone should be entitled to a long healthy life and all wealth and resources (something impossible). So I, tacitly, stick to my view unless I can endorse someone with a better, “more rational” solution, before.

I hoped to be able to start a discussion about this by elaborately discussing this view of mine (in a court case), but it was labeled as “schizophrenia”. Now that it is proved (case almost closed) that I am not a schizophrenic, what will this be defined as next?

  • The value of a product should solely be based on its availability. Supply should solely exist on an order-basis.ย 

For this I refer you to Looking at Markets Differently (opens in new tab) and Fangyist Economics & Initiating Change (opens in new tab).

  • Artificial intelligence should be a more common product for mass production.

Because this will further automate the robotic (as in repetitious labor) function of some [most] human beings. I have some really cool ideas for artificial intelligence projects. I hope D.O.C.I.S. International will also sell robots in the future. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Governmental decisions should be based on public surveys.

It’s what I’m trying to accomplish with the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The Hypothesis is an example of this (opens in new tab).

  • Health care requires digitization of the diagnostic process.

This will make health care more accessible. If – with artificial intelligence – the supply of health care will be made more compact and easier to become accessible on a larger scale (as well as cheaper).

By blogging and publishing books I have tried to set this in motion. But I’m not getting a societal response, after quite a lot of effort, so I have decided to – ugh – resort to the traditional route. A.k.a. bachelor (with perhaps doing research and suggestions for the Surinamese government for my major and thesis* ๐Ÿ˜€ ) -> (master ->) PhD. Where to get my masters and PhD I don’t know yet, though. Hopefully Stanford and otherwise Berkeley. ๐Ÿ˜€

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Why did I take the picture in the header of this post?

Did the image grab your attention? If not, the situation may be more hopeless than I thought. ๐Ÿ™

The image was there before the rest of the post. You see, I’m quite bored. I’m getting ahead of my study schedule already and I still have no one to cuddle with.

Late at night last night (past 2 PM for sure), I was chatting with someone on snapchat. I have frequently received nudes from a wide range of people, but rarely send them. Yesterday cravings for someone to touch were (as always) higher than the day before [y’all killing me], so – after a long period of contemplation – I, still doubting, said: “I want to send you a suggestive picture, but I don’t know if I should do it [trust related] and if it will be sexy.” The response was that I shouldn’t overthink it because I’m beautiful. Hesitatingly, but still trying to keep it smooth, I sent this image followed by the text in the caption:


“Your response?” 😏

Sexting is not the place for essays. Graeynissis attracted to “sapiosexual” women who love sex like I do – I’m in de veronderstelling dat you already know this but – if a female who rarely sends nudes sends you (and in this hypothetical situation you frequently send nudes) a suggestive picture and asks you for your response, you should not respond by giving a review (and saying “not that much skin” like this porn generation is used to). Respond with – taking away one’s insecurities – an image or video showing that you’re aroused.

The review with that the image didn’t show that much skin but my lips and boobs (~boobs~ (say breasts to this articulate wild Catje please…)) are nice made me regret my action and shut the lights off to go to bed. But I wasn’t able to catch sleep (or find the mental tranquility I need, to be able to masturbate myself to sleep like I always do), plus I was suddenly shook up by the thought: “What if that picture is leaked? I better make sure I’m the one doing it, then. (So that – from a spindoctor’s perspective – there is no “double life” image portrayed.) And use it as the featured image of a diary post that has more meaning than a regular diary post.” So I turned the lights back on to make a replica of the (by me unsaved) Snapchat picture I sent.


And another one. ๐Ÿ™‚

Haha and then I laughed from thinking: “What if I e-mail these pictures to Victishe?” Hahahahaha what would “HR” tell me then? 😂 Haha meow I’d hope I’d get some pictures back. Seriously though this big age difference, big height difference interracial thing with our personalities matching each other… Am I the only one who finds that the hottest type of sexual attraction ever? That literal inside joke was followed by the thought: “I wonder what I would see if I’d “ask a glass ball” if I’d ever sleep with Victishe?” Meoow I don’t (want to) know what would happen if I’d hear “No that will never happen.” Even if it’s just for one night. 😻

Some will say that this suggestive nude is nothing. Others will say that I am a female without standards. It has been a while since I posted something “very provocative”. On a Sunday. ๐Ÿ™‚ I wanted to spice up my content anyway, because it was getting quite stagnate. I also, I guess, need to publish something about what I’ve learnt from studying this far. Though for now that would just take time I should invest in studying and working on my business. D.O.C.I.S. International is currently “doing nothing”. But tomorrow I will start with my first set of D.O.C.I.S. tasks. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah I had not yet mentioned that I would like to create some (further modernized) sex education propaganda something for teenagers. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Because the amount of nonsense that is considered as fact is a serious problem. And I’d include anti-stereotyping as a component of this. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

* I’ve been saying that I find it a good thing when people contribute to the development of the country where their roots lie. When I studied IBEB, I said that I’d like to study (the island economy of) the Bahamas. But for many different reasons (and especially to also proceed in my grandfather’s mission and now that I’m still not entirely sure about who my biological father is…)

I’d like to spend some time working for the Surinamese government, if possible. To contribute to the country’s economic development. Not only nationally. In the international spectrum as well.

It’s Sunday night and I’m home, which means that it’s bathtub time again yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Tomorrow I will, because I love the game and I should keep meeting new people (hoping they allow me to join), go for basketball practice. ๐Ÿ™‚

In reference to yesterday, this was when I made my late breakfast and was about to get started what I had on my study planner for today.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

Rationalization rationalization rationalization.

This is cornerstone content.

Good night ♥


23:40 (11:40 PM) [GMT +2]

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Boropasi [Sunday, October 6, 2019]

I’ve been thinking out my boropasi to climb up the academic ladder. Boropasi (with the “B” from “Book”, the “O” from “Order”, the “R” from “Rotterdam”, another “O” from “Order”, the “P” from “Pasta”, the “A” from “Dwaas” (as far as I know, English does not have a word with the A-sound from “boropasi”), the “S” from flattening tyre (lol yesssss), and the “I” from “Receive”) means “sluiproute”, “shortcut”, in Sranan Tongo (“my dialect” (I am not that fluent in)). Specifically the type of shortcut where one maneuvers through rural lands or residential areas, making the passenger travelling with the local think “Is this really the way there…?” Yes, it’s just a boropasi.

My love,

Last night I visioned a way to climb up the academic ladder in a way that genuinely resembles academic skill and that also suits my specific situation (as in it’s not really something any student could do, which is what I need because I need to be able to claim the exception). There’s some fine-tuning that needs to be done for the concept still, though. Let me first tell you how I got there…

Granny Turned 83

It was my grandmother’s 83rd birthday yesterday, of which the celebration started around 5 PM. My mother and I scheduled, about a week ago, to go for lunch the same day. But in the meantime so many tasks came up…

Like getting these rails to het milieupunt (in the Netherlands because in Belgium it’s more expensiveยฟ In the Netherlands it’s “free”(though WOZ belasting is paid), as well as my empty cans of paint and my (more than 30 years) old rice cooker that broke down two nights ago.

Like an estafette because they were too tall for the elevator. I hold this then my mother walks to the stairs below to hold them so I can walk to the stairs below, et cetera.

On a windy way to the Netherlands

Together with our new friendย  on my mother’s scarf (travelling with an open window haha)

Yay technology ๐Ÿ˜€

And getting these groceries I can’t find in Belgium.

That will be some dinner on Monday meowwww

And I had to go past Rabobank to finally cancel that Elia PR bank account. (Turned out that when I called the help desk on Thursday, though my balance was – โ‚ฌ1, I was sent cancellation forms. I thought they couldn’t send it without my balance on โ‚ฌ0.) When I got to my parents’ house, the cancellation forms were there. (Posted right before going for the train. ๐Ÿ™‚ )


For lunch we had a Subway steak & cheese sandwich in the car haha.

At my parents’ house after doing all that, my grandmothers and a friend of my sister were there. We were chatting. Later my aunt and cousin came. Later my sister and her boyfriend. By that time we still hadn’t heard that the Surinamese home cooked-style food we ordered was ready. It was already paat 8 and my train left at 10 PM. ๐Ÿ™ By the time we got the food my mother dropped me off at Rotterdam Centraal, with my dinner in my bag, just a few minutes early for my train. ๐Ÿ™

In the train, I drafted my academic boropasi. (Coming up with the name this morning.) Hungry, I ate at home.


Really short drafty

It was tasty but now I really need a Basic Fit membership (though I will get that once I get my stu-fi about which I also have something to say later in this post) for eating past 11 PM again. x_x


At once, it is my aim to:

  • Be challenged
  • Achieve academic acknowledgement (with a title)
  • Create new business opportunities
  • Work on a new project (in which the 3-year curriculum is implemented)

With my boropasi, I could do this in a lot less than 3 years. If my professors (basically all of them) accept my proposal. That proposal consists of 4 parts.


And I really need to put an extra layer of blackboard paint on my wall. x_x

  1. My motivation
    About who I am and why I am doing this.
  2. Previous works
    An overview of what I’ve been writing about – including part 2 of Evolving Individualism in the 9 – 5 Economy which will be online by the time I hand this in – with a selection of essays in the appendix. This is the main thing that distinguishes me from other students. (What I’ve written about Keynes and Evolving Individualism, basically. Maybe also my Business Overture…)
  3. Implementing the Curriculum
    An overview of the way I will use theories from each subject in practice in this project. For some I will be answering self-stated research questions like these:

    For others I will be implementing knowledge into D.O.C.I.S. International.

  4. “The Deal”
    I hope to publish the essays written in context of the curriculum can be published as a book that is reviewed (and co-written) by my professors. What would be even cooler is if they would also publish (some of) their own (pending) works with D.O.C.I.S. International. And to do a film project when the book is out.
    And that by the end of all that I may be called prof. dr. ir. Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs. And attract investors.

Though my last post I said that I want to hand this in on Monday. My aim will be to hand it in the Monday after that. Let me catch up with what I missed the past 2 weeks, work this proposal out in peace (not longer than 5 pages excluding appendices), and live a short student experience (going to the introduction week of the African Youth Organization starting Monday) before I hopefully change (and take control of) my study experience.

My mother warned me they could tell me that I should skip my side projects and just be a regular student for three years, and that I should consider talking to a study advisor. It has incentivized me to look at the bright side of starting to hand out my proposal a Monday later. Only a professor could make me a professor, so no need for a study advisor. (Maar gerichter en schematischer te werk gaan om een herhaling van 2017 te voorkomen. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Meowww I will be mopping the floor and cleaning the toilet and stuff… And having dinner… After that, I have some more things I would like to share. About the planned reform of the study finance system, about my recent activity on Twitter, about my furniture, about a potential birthday party, about my Tantalus torment love feelings, et cetera. (Ah and by the way I got that psychiatric phone call Friday at almost five, when I was taking a long nap, waking up past their office hours. So I will call back on Monday.)ย  ๐Ÿ™‚


17:27 (05:27 PM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen


It has come to my attention that the system of study finance has been discussed in Dutch politics quite often lately, as a terrible mistake that should be reversed immediately. That it causes stress for students, is the argument used to defend that most often.

It might cause stress, but they all know what they have gotten themselves into, so I don’t see why that should be a reason to abolish it? I know the risk I’m taking. People saying that “That is a lot of money that has to be paid back,” are like students being told that after 1 year they will get a test about 100 pages, and then 2 days before the test say that 100 pages is too much for a test. We have been well informed. (Including the interest rate that could skyrocket out of nowhere.)

With my boropasi and other plans, I am working hard to be able to pay it back. And so are many others.

(Not saying that it was not a terrible idea to create this much debt for both students and the government. But now that it is here…)

I hope that by reversing it, they will re-introduce “de basisbeurs”, or something else “low-risk”, for future students. For current students, I don’t recommend to force them to the same switch. Because people like I build on that loan system now. I can’t pay my rent and other bills if they’d suddenly say: “Zooo kijk eens Dominique hier โ‚ฌ350 per maand helemaal van jou. ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

I really wonder what their plans for transition will be. I will be watching closely…

Keti Koti

Another thing I’ve heard is that Prime Minister Rutte has been, by mister Kuzu from the DENK party, asked to attend the coming edition of Keti Koti. I wonder what his response will be. It’s something controversial – for the Netherlands denies being racist so then he can’t say no to this right, but if he says yes then he will get racists all over him saying things about betrayal I’m sure (though people are always calling him all kinds of things anyway so I would go if I were him) – so I really wonder how he will go about this.

If he would go then it would finally be forced to be taken seriously nationally. Watching it last year was hard (can’t get rid of that image of that interviewer trying to force someone to say “I love chicken” and Surinamese nationalism was inappropriate as well. It should be about multicultural unity and equality). If he goes then I want to go too. (As his friendly +1 yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ Could my boropasi make that possible? )

Twitter Activity

A few nights ago, I had one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep and tweeted whatever came to mind all night long. Followed by expressing my frustration from uni being less challenging than I expexted. And then venting frustration about how most people don’t like to use their brains after seeing so many non-interested students.

Note to self: I should stop venting these things on Twitter because people do not understand.

En het komt ook heel anders uit de verf wanneer het in 140 tekens is samengevat.

May my boropasi lead me to people who do care. And only people who do care. Non-interested people are very toxic.

Where’s my Fauteuil?

As you may have noticed, a lot of furniture from the design I drafted in the blog post before I moved in here actually is in my apartment. Simultaneously, a lot of things are not. Things I have been drooling over, such as a big carpet and a red fauteuil. Both in the living room.

I still intend to add those things to my apartment. It just needs to wait until I have money like that to spend (again)… Hopefully my boropasi will add to this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Throwing a Party?

I’ve already said that I’d rather not celebrate my birthday. But quite some people would like to visit my new place, plus my studies, so best would be to have everyone visit me when I throw a birthday party the weekend of November 1st. A party on the roof of the building I live in.

Though I don’t know though. I don’t feel emotionally ready to be smiling and entertaining guests and giving house tours. So much I don’t want to discuss happened since the last party I threw. Plus I can’t invite Tishe and my B ๐Ÿ™ . And Antwerp is far from where most people I’d invite live.

But I’ve already been told that it’s easy to put the party tent we have at home up on the roof top. And it would be a housewarming at the same time. Plus there are hotels next to the building I live in so the drunks could stay there lol. And most of all, my parties are often so busy that discussing the past is quite impossible. I’ll be chatty all over the place.

Ah by the way, I wonder how my boropasi will influence my regular schedule. Like will I still have to be a regular student? Or (big yays) will I be surrounded by Graeynissis only?

Meanwhile I have washed, dried and put away the dishes, shut off the lights in the living room et cetera. The idea of throwing a party going through my mind as I was doing these things. I think I should go really for it. Soon. I think it will be fun. And should start claiming people’s agendas for a trip to Antwerp like tomorrow. I’ll ask the facility manager what the procedure is for throwing rooftop parties, and inform my neighbors with a letter.

PartyFangs ayyy she hopes to see you. ๐Ÿ™‚ Though again I should be careful, because no Project X type of things. But you’re welcome if you know how to find me. ๐Ÿ™‚


These love feelings seem to get more serious by the day. Because every day, more and more I see that there is no one like him.

I wonder if he thinks of me the way I think of him. And if he still visits my blog.

This is a Tantalus torment to me, because every time I zone out (and do not focus on the Head Cuddle lol) and every time I lay down, I get lost in the fantasy I have of him. We have the type of love I wish I had with my ex. A respectful, sweet and passionate type of love. I don’t know if that will ever be, or if it will just stay this fantasy. That is what makes this the most Tantalus-ish. I wonder if my boropasi can contribute to seeing him again. (And/or be my birthday guest omg meowww.)

It is that night again. Taking a bath seems to have become a Sunday night thing.

Not long before undressing, I took this picture

Without eating tiramisu this time. ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a lecture tomorrow at 08:30 and I’ll be zen soaking for a little while longer. See you tomorrow.


00:06 (12:06 AM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

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My life โ™ฅ

How’s life?

Different? The same? Fun? Or lame?

Do you have enough time for your passions?

You know that everything you dislike about life will vanish in 3 years, right? Maybe it will be less. Hopefully it will not be more.

On Track

I’m on track. ๐Ÿ™‚

My soup left-overs are in the fridge and I have scrubbed the black paint off of my feet. And in the long run, I will end up where I desire to be no matter what. Regardless what gets there first: my business or my professorship.

I don’t know how many off days I will have until my education program edit is processed, but I really need some time to throw around my websites again, using a content management system for my business website and smoothly ending my book club permanently. I should have kept my concept less interactive the way it was before I funded the book club…

Before that – though I should really get to it because it’s like a store display that says that I’m out of business haha – I’d like to get to my research and actually also start writing a new book. I’d like to replace the book club and reselling part of my book store (meoow for a printing press and publishing D.O.C.I.S. editions of books with an introduction written by me yay) with that in my figurative store display.

When it comes to professorship I’d like to – as you know – write a ton of papers instead of following the herd up the academic ladder. But for the apartment I’m coming home to, anything is fine, really. ๐Ÿ™‚


In the past few years, my “normal” heart rate suited a “I’m in a life or death situation and I’m running for my life”-type of situation (a description of how fast my heart goes “normally”). But last night, I noticed it’s easier for me to register separate beats again. Now my heart rate suits an “omg my crush is standing right there”-situation (description of my current type of heart rate).

“Just do what makes you happy,” is the most natural way to heal my tachycardia, is what doctor Franz said last time I visited him.

Living on my own makes me so happy I still can’t believe that this is real. On top of that, I love the prospect of becoming ProfFangs. I think that is why my heart rate is stabilizing. Though I should really go for a check-up, for my last check-up was over a year ago, I believe.

Because sometimes I still feel light headed and still feel random intense pains. Like my back is killing me right now. And sometimes I feel like I can faint at any moment. But then I meditate on the fact that I am all alone here, so I really cannot pass out. It has been working this far. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I feel like passing out sleep-wise. After getting wild laky meow bathing in candle light is one of my weaknesses.

Not unusual trippy time of day good night ♥


03:03 AM [GMT -2]

Antwerpen Kievitwijk

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Painting Day [Tuesday, October 1, 2019]

Heysss โ™ฅ

Last Night

I clicked “confirm” yesterday around 6 PM

After that, I realized that it’s no use going to lectures (especially because the fact that it does not suit my educational background is a bit saddening), so I have off days until my change of education program has been processed.

And I really miss the white boards I used to have in my room – not that I want them back, because I have a better alternative to be mentioned soon – for being able to quickly note whatever comes to mind I should memorize.

So I figured, today – though my flu is getting worse – is a good day to paint that one wall with school board paint. A full wall so that I have a lot of space to write wildly. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s like a dream of mine.

So that is what I did last night until about 23:30 PM: preparing for today’s paint job.

Including wiping the wall with paint remover, by means of preparing.

Oh and I haven’t showed you this angle of my apartment yet: no television. ๐Ÿ˜€ I should get a painting for this wall though, though I’d like it to become my projection wall for when I purchase a beamer for gaming and perhaps an occasional movie.

Ah and I go crazy from having bio trash in my house (e.g. slicing an onion and throwing away the skin). The scent is awful. A large trash can with a lid (and separate containers to sort waste) should be on top of my list now. I can’t wait until I can write stuff like this down on my wall.

Me throwing away trash at 11 PM.

Oh and messy but I made salad and gebakken tonijn last night

Not that rosรฉ but still best tuna I’d ever whipped

Tea & een krentenbol met pindakaas en chocopasta as late night snack

I washed these sheets and stuff yesterday. Though I have more dekbedovertrekken, this is the only one I find prettyyy.

Ah and my grandfather’s boooks (just a handful of them though) – except the book by Stephen Hawking – meowww I’ll be able to make better use of them with the education program I switched to. โ™ฅ

I’m going to get to painting now. Afterwards, I’ve listed some things last night I’d like to mention today.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


Wall for Crayons

It’s finished yay ๐Ÿ™‚

Never before had I painted a wall. I think I did quite well. Especially because this is not for aesthetics but for crayons. ๐Ÿ™‚

It took longer than I thought though. Mainly because I used a small roller of a foam texture. The big rollers I have, I only have in a fluffy texture and that did not only not suit the type of paint I was using, it also did not suit my parsimonious way of painting.

I started around 2 and was finished around 7. In total, I used 1 liter of blackboard paint. Because I didn’t have more. 1.5 liter would have been better for a more solid second layer. Something my gut told me way before I started, but I’d rather spend that โ‚ฌ20 on something else (and stay inside all day).

I love its matte finish. (& That stain on the ceiling is from me making a trippy move on the ladder, staining the ceiling with black paint and then removing that with paint remover, leaving a mix of wiped out black paint and the base color of the ceiling behind. x_x)

From tomorrow I can write on it yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ (And when I move, I should either paint this white myself or hire a painting service.)

Educational Transition

I wonder how long it will take for my switch of program to be logged. I mean I find it really chill to have some time to enjoy my apartment without thinking of pending school tasks, but the longer it takes, the more I miss.

Economist suits ProfFangs better than Mathematician, I guess. I’m very happy with my decision, and happy that I did it this way. Without having tapped into mathematics education here, I would not have known it does not suit me. Now, in case I find economics not challenging enough again, I know it’s better to stick to challenging myself by using the theory in practice. It’s better than having trying to keep up as my challenge.

Plus, as a Mathematician I think one should enjoy being challenged by mathematical puzzles and making mathematical puzzles for others, and I do not always have that insight.

So yes yay, at least three years of economics (for becoming ProfFangs takes more time, according to the academic system) coming up.

Previously, blogging as Lil Fangs and existing in general were like torture, being stuck in the same spot. Now, as a student, I will be stuck in the student spot for a while, but at least it will get me somewhere in this sheepy shit system and at least I have my own apartment that is designed in a way that is very satisfying to me.

Really, my blogging only has purpose when I’m shaking things up. (En dan bedoel ik contextueel mijn handen aan de knoppen hebben als in economisch beleid met een wiskundige grondslag.) Other than that, I’m just posting new things so that people keep visiting my websites and I will have an audience when I finally get to shaking things up.

So yes, this does not comply with any how-to-run-a-business sheepy customs. As everyone notices. Lights. This is not a product made to be popular. If that were so, that means that I’d have to dumb it down way further.

I’m still not shaking things up. And I still have a lot of half-contextual things to mention. To give you an impression of why my blog posts – except my books, poems and essays – have been about nothing: this post is themed painting a wall. While my psychiatric past is still haunting me and there still has been no Volta. Though me living on my own now has caused a Lil Volta of 70%. All I need to do is seal things (but that includes my title of ProfFangs and that takes long ๐Ÿ™ ) and then I can start shaking things up. Sociopolitieconomilegally. (Notice the 1 “l”, for I’m not breaking any rules.)


Oh my goddd I’m turning 23 in exactly one month from now. x_x 23 and I’m still not changing the world with my alternative policy in practice meow this hurts. What hurts more than that is my past 2 birthdays. Therefore I do not want to celebrate my birthday. I’m considering to visit my shrink on November 1st. The most stressful and traumatic day of the year to me. The sentiment that comes with birthdays, combined with the hurtful loneliness I’ve experienced on my past 2 birthdays. I’m happy I can be alone now…

Though I’d rather not be 100% alone the way I am right now. I’d like to be 99% alone, accompanied by some sexy Graeynissis. Our minds are so similar that being together feels the same as being alone: I can act just as “weird” without feeling weird (or being called “weird”).

What would be over-satisfyingly sexy right now is a houseTishe. Like I couldn’t help but notice and worry those above averagely frequent weeks off? Next time being free be my houseTishe, please? ๐Ÿ˜€ We can be alone now. =x I’m just so curious about perception and vrijetijskleding enzo…

We moeten gewoon een keer voor de grap de rollen omdraaien ofzo. (Ik wil echt heel graag een huisman met een haarnetje. Ahahaha just kidding.) Wil best graag kostwinnaar zijn. And then come home to you every day. 😻

Meowww I’m going to take a bath and – in contrast to last time’s no phone policy – write a new blog post.

To be continued.


13:37 (01:37 PM) [GMT -2]


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Weekend 😻 [Saturday, September 28, 2019]

My Catjes โ™ฅ

It has been years since I longed for a weekend. I really need this time to recuperate, work on my apartment and catch up mastering course material.

I got my printed versions yesterday and went to the Action to get maps for it. (After going past het sportkot for sports access but that was not fixed yet. ๐Ÿ™ ) It was also my first time cycling through Antwerp. ๐Ÿ™‚

There I found that plaid I saw online, which is the couch its size. Though I’m considering to flip it over to its non-shiny sidd now.

And I got thisss

But to make myself enjoy my bath more, I took care of my bedroom first. Putting together the drawers for underneath my bed and organizing my clothing.

The drawers are fixed but apparently we forgot a set of rails last Sunday, so that still has to be fixed. ๐Ÿ™

Ah and I got this cute trash can for the toilet. ๐Ÿ™‚

This is now a little more tidy, in comparison to what it was first. The rails will be fixed today so yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

So I could enjoy this peacefully. Scented candles, hot chocolate, tiramisu and this amazing tub. My best bath ever. With a strict no-phone policy.

In my routine of lectures and cooking and my visit to the Netherlands et cetera, it felt like I had no time to think. Soaking in this tub, taking a moment to reflect on myself, especially reflecting on the moment itself (enjoying my bath tub in my own place for the first time), came with a calm that felt like a high.

Thoughts about my business, my aspirations, my projects (want to get to processing my research data tomorrow, If I don’t spend all day on maths course material) started to well up as well, but I’m not settled into my studies enough to focus on those other things, so I had to suppress those thoughts. There’s much more at stake in regard to my studies, in comparison to the state of my business.

As in the government wants me to unsubscribe my business because of the little revenue I make. I don’t want to unsuvscribe it, but I can just do that and still pursue my business aspirations and when I then start to make crazy figures, they should not come knocking. (On top of that, entrepeneurs under the age of 25 should get special tax regulations, I believe should become a thing.)

But for my studies – if I wouldn’t have done mathematics at the Open University, I would be struggling like crazy here because this does not comply with what I learnt in high school – there is much more at stake, because if I fuck up, I lose my home. So I’m under trippy pressure to perform and aim for straight A’s, though I have a lot to do to succeed in that. (And yes there are more reasons to perform well, but the roof above my head private space one weighs the heaviest emotionally.)

Two days ago, at the end of my appointment with dokter Helberg, he mentioned that he was going to give a reading about racism. That racism should be treated as a psychiatric disease.

I could find myself in his words. I consider racism a type of schizophrenia. Though I think the best way to cure that problem of racism being hard-wired in someone’s brain is to simply assassinate that person, because there is no way to ever make a racist think differently. And it will save a lot of people a lot of suffering.

There are not many people of my descent in this country (and in the world in general). In the Netherlands already I’ve had bad experiences with racism.ย  I wonder what this will be like here in Belgium, in the long run. If I’d be discriminated here (as long as it is not mentioned out loud, it is hard for me to notice), it would be much harder for me to find support, because the far great majority of people is not of my descent and to get their support is harder, because for them that could be considered “turning against your own kind”.

I’ve lived in isolation for so long I forgot about racism. (Which makes me miss that isolation a little.) Now, being in large crowds of people, I wonder who is a racist. I feel people stare at me and talk, for example walking though the Action with my shopping basket over capacity.

What I am writing towards is that I hope that, because I already need to work twice as hard because I’m a social sciences student of origin, I don’t have to work four times as hard because of racism. I already dealt with that shit in high school and before high school. I hope my academic supervisors will not contribute to that. I don’t know. I’m just worried. My worry makes me afraid to exchange words in general. (On top of the fact that I’m different from my fellow students in general. Different age, different background, different way of talking, different reasons to study, different interests. Those characteristics are unique for everyone.)

During the break yesterday, my new friend and I were handed a folder and were told information about an Afro-Belgian student association. I’m interested in meeting other students, and will probably go, but I’d rather be with a culturally mixed association. With the emphasis on mixed.

I’ve lived in ‘s Gravenland for the greatest part of my life, so I know what it’s like to be an ethnic minority. (Among some people who would rather not have you live in their neighborhood.) It is now the intercultural dependency (as in the person grading me, the people for whom I will defend my thesis et cetera… The academic world consists mostly of Caucasians) that worries me more than ever.

Anyway my stomach is growling, my family will be here in a few and I want to go past the laundry store and the supermarket before they arrive. Talk to you later. xxx


14:39 (02:39 PM) [GMT -2]


Explicit Content, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Reflections

Adapting [Wednesday, September 25, 2019]

Goedemorgen ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

Het was mijn intentie om gisteren na school wat te bloggen,

Dat schreef ik vanochtend, ongeveer 20 minuten voordat mijn les begon (want ik was vroeg), waarna ik aan het socializen was because I made a school friend yay. ๐Ÿ™‚

There was no place to sit in front of the classroom, so I decided to sit in outside the cafetaria in front of the building where I had my lecture

Met onmin veel langpootmuggen/”hooiwagens”

I don’t know if I should write in Dutch or in English… I’ll use the languages based on which language I feel can express what I wish to express best. That will vary, but I’ll keep it one language per paragraph, so that your translating tool/dictionary is overseeable. ๐Ÿ™‚

I haven’t told my new friend – or anyone else at the university – about my blog yet, so I don’t feel comfortable with using their names and stuff (yetยฟ). Though I have a picture of a chalk board and (sorry I can’t find this word in English) achterhoofden I will share in this post. As well as many other pictures I’ve been taking. Woah I have 2 days of pictures I haven’t showed you yet (and the pictures of my holiday in Curaรงao and the pictures from when I was in Egmond, taken with my Olympus camera).

Door mijn bezigheden en menselijkheid (eten, slapen, sociaal willen zijn, et cetera) kom ik niet echt aan schrijven toe. Maar ik heb nu een soort van moment ervoor genomen. Heb morgen immers geen les, dus had ik meer tijd voor het fixen van mijn appartement en ontspanning.

(Ik kom aan het eind op het onderwerp van school terug.)

Dit was mijn apartement gisternacht (die lades moet ik nog in elkaar zetten: een van de dingen gerelateerd aan “het fixen van mijn appartement”)

Lil chaos

Yepp (die melk staat daar omdat het ongeopend nog niet in de koelkast hoeft en space is limited) [die zin kan de vertaling aan. Ik zie Nederlands met Engels kan wel, Engels met Nederlands kan niet]

Precies vanochtend en gister waren er klusjesmannen in mijn huis voor het in elkaar zetten van de kast in mijn badkamer (omdat die van binnen uit elkaar gehaald was omdat mijn gas en water meters daar zitten en dit appartement ontzettend snel verhuurd was). En precies nu is de boel een beetje opgeruimd. ๐Ÿ™

Waar ik mee bezig was na mijn dagje uni (na eerst langs de Lidl gegaan te zijn voor mondwater (om mijn bitje in te doen), quick badschuim (andere winkels waren voor nu te ver) en aardappelen voor het avondeten) part 1.

My home yayy eindelijk al die troep uit zicht part 2

Alleen een aantal dingen die ook nog in elkaar gezet moeten worden staan er nog. Inclusief gordijnrails omdat ik voor de oorspronkelijke rails geen runners (wieltjes) kon vinden.

Dit at ik vandaag: vissticks, spinazie en aardappelpuree. Zo snel en simpel dat het zeker niet de laatste keer zal zijn.

Gisteravond na mijn colleges (na 18:00) – was ik naar de Delhaize voor melk, aromat, pannenkoekenmix en krentenbollen maar ik kan hier nergens krentenbollen vinden dus die ga ik morgen gelijk inslaan ( = veel van kopen) – en na mijn douche (waar ik gewoon echt behoefte aan had en douchen voor het slapengaan is nu een van de dingen die ik doe [stress m nu al een klein beetje om die eindejaarsrekening maarja life ik doe het nog steeds zo veel mogelijk met mate maar ik heb toch kroes haar dusja ๐Ÿ™ ]) wilde ik een dutje doen tot 22:00. Dus ik zette daar een wekker voor.

Eindstand ik word wakker en kijk op de klok en zie dat het 02:50 is. Echt vervelend want zomaar mess ik met mijn slaapritme.

Ik was nog een beetje moe dus ik bleef nog even liggen, en wat er 9/10 keer gebeurt wanneer ik blijf liggen zonder te gaan slapen is dat ik behoefte krijg aan een orgasme. Dus jaa van het een kwam het ander. Every time I think of Tishe gaan we – in mijn fantasie – verder dan de vorige keer. Best orgasm ever. First two-handed (niet in me fyi, slechts een middelvinger, clitoris is veel belangrijker meow ik snap die andere emphasis nooit) orgasm in mijn eigen huis yay haha. (I really wonder if I’ll ever see Tishe again and if he’s in to meยฟ)

Toen ik op stond was het 4 uur ofzo en ging ik afwassen en een beetje opruimen. Daarna avondeten (aka left-overs opwarmen in een pan (want ik heb geen microgolf (magnetron) yay ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Dus ditt

Daarna was ik van plan om de theorieรซn vandaag besproken tijdens de colleges van Linear Algebra and Geometry en Getallen en Verzamelingen (want die vakken had ik vandaag ook weer en Calculus vrijdag) nog een keer door te nemen en de lesstof van vandaag door te nemen.


Om 08:45 moest ik daarmee stoppen omdat ik me moest gaan klaarmaken om op tijd te zijn. Normaal gesproken deed ik altijd al mijn huiswerk – als ik het รผberhaupt deed – in een half uurtje ofzo, maar ik merk dat ik hiervoor, wil ik de kern begrijpen (en ja dat moet nu echt 100% uiteraard anders dan slaag ik niet in mijn missie en kan ik ook geen ProfFangs zijn), echt goed moet gaan zitten. Ik zal buiten het lesmateriaal een hoop moeten opzoeken.

Voor matrices bijvoorbeeld kan ik best uit mijn hoofd leren hoe ik bepaalde bewerkingen met een matrix moet doen en onthouden waarom die bewerkingen kloppen. Waarschijnlijk komt dit omdat ik van oorsprong een “alpha” leerling (als in in Nederland noemt men sociale wetenschappen “alpha” en exacte wetenschappen “beta”) ben, maar voor mij is niets duidelijk zo lang ik niet snap waarom de notatie van een matrix uitgerekend die notatie is en niet iets anders. Daarvoor moet ik echt even gaan zitten, om zulk soort dingen uit te vogelen, zodat ik ook een beetje actiever kan meedoen in de les. Met iets als economie of rechten ofzo zou ik wat dat betreft minder moeite gehad hebben – daar zouden mijn eigen normaal onuitgesproken overtuigingen in de weg staan – maar ik heb niet voor niets voor de wiskunde uitdaging gekozen.

Met dat papiertje zal men (hier ga ik nu van uit) wel naar me luisteren wanneer ik een model opstel aan de hand waarvan we de wereld economisch beter zouden kunnen runnen. (Of zou iemand de moeite nemen om het te proberen te verwerpen.) Plus als ik dit niet zou halen dan zou ik mijn nieuwe thuis kwijtraken en zou mijn vader me sws doodmaken ahahahah. Ik heb een flinke stok achter de deur.

En ik vind Belgiรซ heel leuk. Ik weet echter niet of Belgiรซ mij wel leuk vind? Ik probeer zo beleefd en verstaanbaar mogelijk te zijn, maar ik sta pas aan het begin van mijn integratieproces.

Something else fun – funny though simultaneously making me feel bad a little – is how I met my new friend. Yesterday, for my second to last class (Getallen en Verzamelingen), I was standing in front of the classroom with a bunch of people. Some of them I already recognized from the previous class (Calculus). I was standing there, eating, because I took the bus from the other campus where my previous class was –ย  a bus for which I had to wait quite long – and bought some salad with quinoa and hummus and stuff at the cafetaria but there was drama with my bank account again so that took long as well. So I took my lunch with me and was eating that as I (not wanting to be late) waited for the professor to arrive, feeling awkward for standing and eating but still doing it anyway because I was crazy hungry.

So when a professor came and opened the classroom, I followed immediately. As I unpacked my bag at a desk in the back of the class, a familiar face – the only other colored girl following this first-year Mathematics program (we’re with about 40 people in total it seems) I saw during Calculus (though then I wasn’t certain if she studies Mathematics or Physics) – asked me if she was in the right class for Mathematics and if she may sit next to me, and I said “Yes” to both.

Then the professor started to talk about SQL and stuff and I was taking notes, but thought: “Why is this course called Getallen en Verzamelingen? Is it about Getallen en Verzamelingen in database or something?”

It was when he introduced his name that I certainly knew that my actual classmate and I were in the wrong class. Trying hard to not burst out into laughter when we both found the certainty simultaneously. (It reminded me of that scene in The Office US with Pam sitting in the wrong class haha.) We waited until a mid-lecture break was announced, to take our stuff and go to the class next door. I was happy that our actual professor allowed us in.

UAntwerpen is really chill. Not what I expected, but I think I’ll stay happier than before doing this for three years. It’s not what I expected because I thought that professors wearing a suit and full lecture halls for mainstream subjects (of which I thought Mathematics was one) were a standard university thing. But my Calculus professor has tattoos. ๐Ÿ™‚ I appreciate the university’s liberality , though I’m just a fan of suits and think this high-school-like vibe (ah but it’s not the course material that is high-school-like noooooooo just clothing and class size) has taken away the romanticized idea I had of being a professor. The bubble was already quite bursted when I saw B on a vouwfiets. Now I’m just more trying to latch on to my thoughts of reform. Not to make people wear suits while they don’t want to. More to add a new fun and challenging dimension to the lives of the intelligent who are older than I.

Haha professor Calculus (I’m not doing names for now as I said) gave the example: “Ge ziet er sexy uit in een zwart kleedje,” to explain some logic symbols. That would not happen at Erasmus. I wonder if this liberal university – or just the Graeynissis – is open to collaboration with this wildly liberal FangCatje.

Ik woon trouwens in Kievitwijk. Kievitwijk is – this is me paraphrasing Wikipedia – known as the former Jewish neighborhood of Antwerp. This because a lot of Jewish people lived here until WWII. The neighborhood has been nameless for a long time and I read some stuff about controversiality among the government and the population regarding building projects in this neighborhood. (Is that about the building I am living in…?) I can’t state facts about that because I just moved here.

I really like this neighborhood. It’s in the heart of the city center, but it’s still quiet, I feel quite safe and everything is within walking distance.

Something that is new to me is living among so many Jewish people in traditional clothing and hairstyle. In my life I had maybe seen 5 traditionally dressed Jewish people ever before. (Those moments were not in and around Rotterdam.) Now when I walk outside I see them very frequently. I have so many questionsss.

I think I now have an impression of what it is like for someone to see a colored person, or a community of colored people, who had never encountered one in person.ย  I try my best not to stare, but I’m very curious. All I know is what I hear, but I have never spoken to someone who wears traditional Jewish clothing, let alone have an impression of what it is like to live in such a community.

I wonder if I will ever blend in in my new neighborhood. After the words of my mother three days ago, I really don’t know anymore.

Moeder: “Ik stond met zo’n pijpenkrul in de lift.ย  Ik voelde me echt niet op mijn gemak want hij ging met zijn rug naar me toe staan.”

Ik: “Praat alsjeblieft niet zo.” (En vooral niet zo luid ik ken mijn buren nog niet omg.)

Moeder: “Maar ik voelde me echt heel oncomfortabel. Dat snap je toch wel?”

Ik: “Ik vind het gewoon niet fijn dat je pijpenkrul zegt. Als iemand “die zwartjoekel” zegt vind je dat toch ook niet fijn? En moest hij andersom staan ofzo?” (Liften zijn altijd awkward dus ik kan het me best voorstellen dat iemand zo reageert op awkwardness?)

Moeder: “Ja. Maar het komt door zijn geloof. Ze geloven dat zwarten minderwaardig zijn. Het kan ook komen doordat ik een vrouw ben.”

Hierop had ik niets te zeggen, want ik ken zijn geloof vrijwel niet. Als iemand echt van zulk soort zaken overtuigd is dan geloof ik niet dat dat in het religieus geschrift staat maar dat dat in dat geval dan komt door foute predikers (Rabbi’s danยฟ). Ik geloof dat religieus geschrift zelf geen kwaad kan doen, maar als dat werkelijk is wat zijn geloof zegt dan ben ik wel benieuwd aan de hand van welke passage ze die overtuiging hebben gekregen. Graag zou ik die passage dan willen lezen en de minstens 50 regels ervoor en erna om te kijken of die opvatting wel klopt met het geschrift.

Nu word ik overspoeld door gemengde gevoelens wanneer ik iemand in traditioneel Joodse kledij zie.ย  Ik wil weten of het waar is, maar heb hier nog nooit iemand in traditionele kleding samen zien lopen, niet eens een korte woordenwisseling, met iemand in niet-traditionele kleding. (Natuurlijk kan het ook aan interesses liggen.) Maar net zoals een man die een vrouw de hand schudt in sommige culturen weet ik niet hoe ik mijn vragen beantwoord kan krijgen (heb door mijn Nederlands sowieso al een beetje extra social anxiety hier maar komt goed ooit ofzo haha).

Het is echt super toevallig en interessant ofzo. Mijn situatie. Mijn oma woont dicht bij centraal, net als ik. (Zo waren er nog meer van die verbanden maar ik kan er nu even niet op komen, waarschijnlijk omdat ik druk voel omdat 00:00 in de buurt komt en ik echt geen nieuwe post wil schrijven.) Mijn achternaam, Elia (aka Jewish prophet), komt van een Portugees-Joodse familie van slavenhouders in Suriname, en vlak bij mijn huis staat nu een Portugese synagoge. Ik vraag me af of deze geschiedenis algemeen bekend is?

Ik gister

Ik vanochtend

Ik wachtend tot mijn aardappelen gekookt waren (moest een staafmixer gebruiken want heb nog geen stamper). Deze cap draag ik altijd wanneer ik (alleen) lig. Draag het zelden met andere mensen erbij want werd er vaak mee gepest wanneer mensen me kwamen vragen of ik buiten kom spelen en tijdens logeerpartijen enzo.

Mijn legpuzzel van vandaag

Ik ga hiermee verder. Morgen naar Nederland want ik heb een afspraak met dokter Helberg (lang geleden ingepland hoor het is niet dat ik na mijn tijd hier ineens behoefte heb aan therapie) en ga daarna dingen zoals Fernandes, krentenbollen en kokosmelk inslaan want die zijn hier moeilijk (of niet) te vinden, en daarna eten bij mijn main kennissen uit Amsterdam.

Alvast welterusten โ™ฅ

23:55 (11:55 PM) [GMT -2]
Kievitwijk Antwerpen

Ohhh juist ik nam deze foto omdat de les voorbij was en ik het laatste deel van wat er op het bord stond nog niet had overgenomen.

& Mijn stoel is klaar ๐Ÿ™‚

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Woah :o [Sunday, September 15, 2019]

Brain Woah

My time to think yesterday got me so many woahs, my meow. My first woah is that this week is a week in which I have 0 plans (hopefully aside from signing the contract for the apartment I’ve slowly fallen in love with :D), after such a long time! Didn’t realize how much my brain needed rest after I wake up the next morning, feeling like just laying down and distracting my mind with technology at least as possible at first. To just let everything that has happend sink in and scrutinize it. (Usually I’m suppressing what is there anyway. Plain reasoning is what I did until I wanted to flea from my realization and tried to escape my thoughts by playing choices romance games on my phone (and Cody Cross ๐Ÿ™‚ )) Yesterday, I was in bed until about 6 PM when I went to a birthday party with my family.

Realization Woah

The realization of having given my first presentation about my ideas instead of about what a teacher orders me to do is not entirely there still. I wonder what the effect of this will be, because this was something unusual for a presentation in general (for I was doing propagandist things) and any type of societal research is usually not done for free. I wonder about its general effects. If people will go to work with a different view tomorrow.

Furthermore I’m still surprised about how things started off and the results. Surprised about the start because I froze up so badly I didn’t think I would make it to the end. Plus people stopping by to take pictures and videos of me while I was presenting and people dropping by and walking away was taking me out of my concentration. And overhearing “Too slow,” “Too fast,” “My goal for the future is to go to the bathroom now,” and other things like that in conversations. And being way overdressed. I was really surprised to get any positive feedback at all. Though I don’t know if that is honesty or politeness. It doesn’t matter anyway, I really like that a large group of people thought along actively and was willing to share their answers with me.

When it comes to the results, I was very surprised. My coordinates are (40, -50) and the majority of people were in the region -5 < x < 60 and 0 > y > -60. That is very positive in a way, because that means that it’s not the end of the world for most people, when we put a definitive end to the routine the world seems so attached to (because there are so many other ways to do things I really don’ttt understand why so many people on this planet keep living for it if they hate it too).

But if this sample suits the rest of the world, I see the views of right-wing change and left-wing change is what my compass does not reveal. I don’t know how many people would be happy with the D.O.C.I.S. type of change. Something I reallyyy wonder is if the European Union will still have open borders in 10 years, and what this place will look like demographically. Another thing I wonder is why so few people are causing change to the system…? That is what worries me.

What I want to achieve is the implementation of the D.O.C.I.S. International system. How to use my research to push that is what is currently eating me up.

Car Woah

The party yesterday was fun. My cousins celebrated their birthdays together at the community center of their neighborhood, with friends and family over. A lottt of familiar faces asking me about Antwerp, who I could also tell about the interesting discovery of the day before. I’ve talked about the topic of change with them very often in the past and guess the compass would place them in group 4 as well. Next up should be a redefined political compass, I think. Because I’m quite sure that though we all want change, our views of what change should look like differ. (I’m pro closed borders, for example. That creates a better incentive to support your own community first, creates better demographic oversight and is much better for international cooperation (because better demographics create a better idea of what a country’s strengths and needs are, without not knowing where your population has scattered to).)

I don’t talk about my views on closed borders often because when I do it is agressively verbally attacked with arguments about unity and stuff. While I think that closed borders create a different type of unity. It could lead to independent nations cooperating together instead of having the artificial European Union forcing an internal market.

But because views like this differ, I think demographically the world should have people with the same political views living together. Instead of everyone mixed up the way it is now. The unification of similar minds is a different type of peace and happiness.

Anyway what I wanted to say is that my mother’s Volvo broke down last Thursday (reparation costs will be like 4K ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ) and that she now drives in one of the types of car I used to arrange for the people whose cases I was handling.

The new Astra is a really chill car and it’s pretty fast for a regular gasoline-powered car. My mother says she wouldn’t mind owning one and if she goes for it or something similar (like she said) I won’t stop her. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meoww I’ve broken some speed limits with it driving to the party and back home later. Without tickets of course. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s very different than the turbo diesel Volvo with leather seating though. But this car had some extra yayness over it in a way because it made me think of Tishe so much. It has left this longing I was trying to rid myself from though. Like why is it here if I’m just some lackey. ๐Ÿ™

Apartment Woah

Ah yays, I just received my father’s income information as well and have sent my motivation and all income information of my parents and I to the person who manages the apartment I wish to hire. It has been received and will be processed tomorrow, I heard. I really hope the apartment has not been rented to someone else yet.

After all of the party socializing and people saying that they’ll pray (or duimen depending on philosophy) for me getting that apartment, I have become so dreamy about it. I couldn’t sleep last night because I wanted to see how much my dream apartment interior would cost. (I don’t know what my definitive interior styling budget is yet…) But aaaaah check out the highlights:

Okay when I was there there were a lot of people standing in the living room, so I’m using pictures of the estate company’s website (plus shout out to Ikea):

These windows

With this kanten vitrage

And these curtains

This closet plus secretaire to the wall on the left of the windows. Yes in front of the heating is not advantageous but I still just want to make this work…

Couch practically in the middle of the room

This fauteuil in the right corner near the windows

This rug in between the couch and the chair

Salon table on top of rug

No TV meubel because I don’t want a TV. Like I don’t want a microwave either. I’ll go for paintings and sculptures omg yayyy. ๐Ÿ˜€

Dinner table against

The wall near the kitchen. Facing the kitchen horizontally

With 4 of these

With this at the head of the table, so I can roll over whenever I whip out my separate desk.



Kaasschaaf. Moet nog even kijken waar de kaasboer zit. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah and on the wall that is sort of 3D’d away from the main living room wall, I would like to use school board paint so that I can write out my brainstorm ideas with crayons. Of course I will paint it white again when I move out of this apartment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Then over to the bedzimmer

A closet of 2 meters width will be at the wall you can’t see (at the back of the photographer of this picture). I hope my ironing board fits in it.

This bed (140 cm width)

This hoeslaken

And these sheets meowww

I’ve chosen more combi’s as well. Like beige hoeslaken with black sheets.

This night stand (haha and no random people in my apartment ayy)

You should mentally swap rugs because this one is for the living room and rhe other for the bedroom. Scusami.

My night light? Or some light meooow this is so cutee gotta have it. It’s like camping at home. Or living in the industrial age hehe.

Tub curtains


Et cetera meooow I really hope that I will be selected for this apartment. ๐Ÿ˜€ (Plus if not, I’ll probably have a very hard time in 2 weeks… ๐Ÿ™ )

Twitter Woah

Meow meanwhile I’ve become a little more active on Twitter again. I’ve been creeping down my timeline without posting for a while. The political turbulence is going into a direction that worries me because it feels like it will make me more powerless or something. The fighting offense with offense and things about culture and history being digged up and stuff are sensitive topics to me. Because my view is uncommon and people judge my descent too quick.

I had this geography teacher in middle school. Forgot her name but my friends and I used to call her “that crying face from 9GAG”. She, though there was not a single chapter in that book that had anything to do with Suriname, felt that she had to lecture her students that all Surinamese people wear fake gold, all Surinamese people get their living expenses covered by the government for free (I am not part of that dumb measure), all Surinamese people believe that they may stay home when it rains and other bullshit. A lot of Dutch people from her age (30-40) are convinced of the same nonsense, I’ve noticed. (Aside from classic all-purpose racism and fables about history (that the Dutch Golden Age was positive and slavery was fair) and sex related (big genitals and skill because of dance moves) things some people of more various ages are convinced of.) My god I’m so happy I’ve never seen her since I left school.

Meoww big yays for catching up with you. I’ve been bathrobe petting all day, though. Now I’m going to send Friday’s pictures to Alexandra (who treated me dinner on Friday, too sweeet meow now I want to treat her with something in return), take a shower and go to bed.

~breaking privacy laws~ action picture yay ๐Ÿ˜€ haha

Ciaooo xxx

22:57 (10:57 PM) Capelle aan den IJsselย 

Featured image by Alexander Krivitskiy from Pexels.

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Gooooood morning โ™ฅ

There’s no better way to start the day than by searching my favorite picture from my favorite Dutch politician. 😻 Ahahaha I’ve seriously dreamt about this last night, but in the dream I couldn’t find the picture. I’m glad I’ve found it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was shown on the (gossip) news when I was visiting my grandmother quite some months ago, and has not left my mind ever since.

I love this expression of (European?) liberalism so much. Especially because he is a politician (and my Catthierry 😻 ). It is revolutionary. ๐Ÿ™‚ ( 😏 😏 😏 ) [I don’t remember if it was broadcasted before or after the elections…]

There is a little hesitance in doing this. But this will be a good post… ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s not like I’ll get sued for using this image… Right…? ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoww I’m going to get ready for the city tour we’re going to do on jetskis. ๐Ÿ˜€ It will be my first time jetskiing.

Am I the only one who finds it frustrating that I still have no real-life touchable (in contrast to people I could sext, but I don’t like sexting…) hoes…? My body reallyyy needs it. To go cold turkey from having sex at least once a day for a year or so was already not easy. And now I’ve been deprived for about 7 months. Gosh, I don’t like sounding like this. Don’t want to sound the way I currently sound. But to fix that, I need… It’s a paradox.


Updated 11:20 (AM)ย [GMT -4]


The only time I had sort of done it before, was virtually, trying to escape cops in Grand Theft Auto… Jetskiing was so much fun! 😻

I shared one with my sister.

I wish there was water like this in the Netherlands… ๐Ÿ˜€

She jetskid us from Jan Thiel to Willemstad, across such pretty sights! I took some pictures:

Action pictureee

The Jan Thiel beach resort from where we left off

Willemstad ๐Ÿ™‚

I jetskied us back. Once I got the hang of it, I wished the tour was longer… Meoow I really want to go again. ๐Ÿ˜€

(Another thing I wish to do again is sailing! 😻)
We might go jetskiing again on Friday, from Jan Thiel to the Spanish Waters lagoon. But there’s the North Sea Jazz Festival as well, and I was quite tired after the ride…

Currently, we’re at Tony Roma’s. Though I usually prefer haute cuisine-ish restaurants, I really love this place! I’m waiting for a set of tasty appetizers and my rib-eye and ribs.

Ahahaaa there is an huge controversy-paradox inception behind this series of posts, topped off by this post’s header image, I will elaborate on later.

Eet smakelijk sweet Catje of mine. ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥


Updated 20:13 (08:13 PM) [GMT -4]ย 

Groot Davelaar

The Controversy-Paradox

Should one share his/her most intimate thoughts on the public internet? As far as I know, most people find that people should not be that open on the internet, because the information could be used for the wrong purposes and because they find that those feelings should be shared with the people in their environment rather than on the web.

I disagree with this. Yes, good things can always be used for bad purposes, but that should not be a limitation. It is much better to be who you are and do what you want. But I find that the system (social norms, certain laws, etc.) does not allow for that. Posting a nude picture on the internet is allowed, but going grocery shopping nude is not allowed, for example. The internet is more free than real tangible life is, so, for me, here is where my freedom is.

The next layer of this controversy-paradox is openness about anything sex related. From the people I’ve come across, most of them are far from comfortable talking about anything sex related. They are also most often very conservative, finding that sex is only for the one you will spend eternity with. And that a girl out for a one night stand is always a slut.

Again, I disagree. Until I’ve had my first relationship, I too was saving myself for anyone to spend the rest of my life with, and be monogamous, et cetera (though – especially with pornography allowed – I don’t know who anyone is able to stick to “no sex before marriage” (especially because what if it’s bad…)). Now I do not think that man was made to be monogamous. Temptations are always there.

I’m not saying that you should fall for every temptation. But wouldn’t it be nicer to indulge more often than to resist? If no-strings-attached were something you could really be open about. Family dinner conversation type of normal (though some minds really are not that flexible).

Though many people assume this, [seriously, why? ๐Ÿ™ ] I really am not a slut. ๐Ÿ™

I like one night stands, but I still have standards… It has to be someone I find attractive, it must be someone with whom I can have a proper conversation (including that he/she is ambitious because otherwise I’ll feel too ambitious and that is an awful feeling), someone who is most likely to not carry STD’s (not tooo many partners (that’s also way less drama)) and someone who seems like a good lover… I can sense that in the blink of an eye, unless I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, my needs are greater than my scrutiny and I often forget 90% of everything, and then feel worried about my actions the day after. I have a scar on my knee from kissing an artist on stage and then falling off the stage… I don’t even know what artist it was… 😩 Ever since what happend in Amsterdam at the beginning of this year, I’ve been watching how much I drink… But I kind of feel going wild catty on the festival, starting Thursday…

I don’t like the type of girls who speak loudly with high pitched voices, hanging over everyone and touching everyone, making a scene about the most superficial nonsense (and everyone hears what it’s about)… Especially because I’m colored and my life is all over the internet, people mistake me for that person. I’m so very reserved in person… I’m looking for someone who is able to break through that barrier. ๐Ÿ™

The paradox is that basically no one likes dramatic females who share everything online and make scenes in person (and neither do I), but I do carry a lot of mental baggage with me which is the main reason why I crave for no-strings-attached slightly rough sex… ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to sleep now. It’s late and I have to get up early…

Good night ♥

– xxx –

Updated 01:30 (AM)ย 


nude Thierry Baudet

This featured image is the first image I saw when Googling “Thierry Baudet nude”: A Twitter page sharing a screenshot of this meow Instagram picture of his.

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Sunnyays 🌞

Heyyy Fangs here with the Sunnyays 😸

We’re on sunny Curacaooooo 🌞

Just arrived at my aunt’s holiday apartment. It’s my second time on Curacao. ๐Ÿ™‚

Random road picture. I can’t wait to be taking pictures with my Olympus camera here. ๐Ÿ˜€

Meooow look at my bathrooom 😻

Here is the sea ๐Ÿ˜€

And here I’ll be lounging (when I’m not swimming) ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

Meowsss I’ll be socializing and chat you up when I’m alone. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 16:42 (04:42 PM) [GMT -4]


My lil throneee

Currently, I’m laying on this like cat royalty. After eating the tasting like home dinner my aunt’s housekeeper who is one of the 11 people holidaying(-ish for she cooks, cleans and does our laundry and such) here, I got ready for going out later:

I want to get kissy, my meow…

As I was reading De Buitenvrouw (which has waaaaay more sex in it than I expected… My fantasy was so triggered ahahaha I just stopped reading at some point. We were flying in sardine class because there were no comfort class seats left)…

Ah meow we’re leaving so I’ll be back in a few hours, to continue the story that is yays xxx


Updated 20:05 (08:05 PM) [GMT -4]


The conclusion of the story the previous text was that I need new hoes… But I’ll explain that further in a few. ๐Ÿ™‚

Currently I’m chilling at Bij Blauw. ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 20:42 (08:42 PM) [GMT -4]


As I was reading De Buitenvrouw, and while I recognized the perception many Dutch people have described to me (often men) in respect to how they respond to Creole people (women) in the story – and (a thought I don’t really share) how, as a Creole mix born in the Netherlands both Dutch and Surinsmese culture still feel a bit foreign to me, I realized that only the ensurance that I’ll have good sex on a daily basis can make me decompress.

I love Zwagerman’s recognizable style of writing! It’s funny, sexy and detailed the way most modern Dutch literature is. At some point I had to stop reading because I was getting turned on haha. (I love the feeling, but not when I can’t vent it meow I need new hoes…)

In between all the (more and more mission impossible I’ll become a high school maths teacher ๐Ÿ™ ) things I’m trying to accomplish, and the way I over-value performance like I’ll get a grade for everything I do (it’s never really just for fun), I crave someone to grab.

Last Thursday (it is Saturday today), I was in Amsterdam, for a psychotherapy session. We are discussing my past to present lifeline and were at the chapter of my ex. The reason why I found it so hard to break up with him is because I had no better sex alternatives. We had sex at least once a day when we were spending time together, I always subtly demanded. It was the way I could forget everything that was on my mind. We were always quite rough, which made those moments true highlights in my life (I still think about it a lot).

I went cold turkey on my sex addiction. (Well cold turkey in the sense of not having a partner.) Ever since that, I feel like such an insecure plain jane, while that is not even me. I genuinely think that if I’d have a few people I could have good sex with, I’d enjoy life so much more.

So I need new hoes… When I was younger, I always had quite some people I always had slightly naughty conversations with, but then I was still a virgin (because I was waiting for that special someone ๐Ÿ™ ), so they never became my hoes…

I need new hoes… You’re not going to do anything with The D.O.C.I.S. Store, are you? You could also become my hoe, which has similar corporate influence benefits. It might even be better than being a Book Club member.

Please be my hoe. ๐Ÿ™ ♥ I’ll treat you very good. Though we might be more physical than talkative, I’ll brighten up your life for sure.

Ah a problem with hoeing is that I made this promise to myself that I won’t take any sex preys of mine to my parents’ house anymore. The walls are too thin and the idea is making me feel sick. Need my own house. ๐Ÿ™‚

Another problem is that I suck at sensing whether someone is into me or not. Especially with women I suck at sensing that. (I think? I don’t like asking because I don’t like hearing that I’m wrong?) I often feel the need to just kiss someone, but what if they’re like “Eww get off of me.” Then I’d be like a rapist.

By the way – I heard of this term a few days ago – I think I’m “sapiosexual” (sexually attracted based on someone’s intelligence). (I think everyone is sapiosexual…) No further explanation needed (but you can ask me if you want meow I’m just tired now).

I’m starting my hoe recruitment tomorrow. Requirements:
> Being able to have passionate sex with someone who you are not dating.
> Enjoys kissing (including hickeys).
> Has a goal in life.
> We do not insult each other. We explain our underlying emotions if something is up.
> For men: size does matter…
> For women: basically don’t make a big deal out of nothing (including yelling over nothing)…

Let’s make each other happy. 😻
You won’t be my secret hoe. I will show you to the world. ♥

My recruitment goes by both me randomly picking people on sight and being sent a personal message by anyone who would like to be my lifetime hoe. I will love you so you will be with me if you don’t leave me.

Looking forward to North Sea Jazz festival even more now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Furthermore, I’m having a great time here. ๐Ÿ™‚ It would be even better with some hoes. No relationships and meet-the-parents and marriage and babies and stuff blegh.

Good night ♥


Updated 00:07 (12:07 AM) [GMT -4]


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I want to C you

Actually, this is not much of a poem. More uncontrolled prose.

Over 550 blog posts, all written from the perspective of my eyes. Are they not provocative enough? ๐Ÿ™ I can’t hear you. Why?

Over 206,000 / 206.000 (two hundred and six thousand) [international writing] words, written in the perspective from me to you. You, whose beautiful eyes are going over this page. What do you see?

Are you A, B or C?

I want to know. Not only your perspective. Also the perspective “you to me”.

I hope it’s different from what I’m used to. I hope you’re C.

You see, I can’t hear people’s internal dialogues when they talk to me. But I can estimate them by asking questions and reading their body language.

My powers never reach the core, though I try. What is going on in your outmost personal layer? Especially now that my writing has reached it, but I haven’t. (Not yet? ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Why I want to know? Because I’m an ambitious, affectionate and cuddly person and I want to know if you’re that person too. Society doesn’t embrace that openness, but we should.

When I study anyone’s behavior, I see their attitude towards the world. But I can’t see if they’re A, B or C, without getting hurt. I’ve never reached the core.

What is your attitude towards me? A, B or C?


The Cuddle

“I really admire her. I love what she’s doing. I wish I could do it myself.

Where her theories come from, I don’t know. I need more proof to be able to trust it. My own life would become damaged if I go all-in on this and it turns out to not be feasible. Like could it still all be schizophrenia and not real? I can’t imagine that that could be the case, but still can’t rule it out if I haven’t seen her theories in practice. Why did she exactly become labeled as a schizophrenic anyway? I still have the feeling that there’s a lot more to that story.

Everything that is going on in this world makes it hard for me to trust. Media accusations versus personal counter-accusations. That that will ever be something of the past? The future she portrays sounds too good to be true. I want to believe in it so much, but my heart would become irreparably damaged if I would trust this and it turns out not to be true.

I wouldn’t be able to formulate any theories like hers myself, but if they’re true, I could learn them and implement them in my life. I could use her theories to realize my own dreams and make a living from that. I would love to move to Planet Fang. It feels like there, eternal love and eternal happiness really do exist.

Privacy wise I have nothing about me she may not know. I would love to be her (social) research subject, sharing my thoughts with her, to improve life on Planet Fang. I think I could realize my dreams, doing what I want in life and also being part of D.O.C.I.S. International.”


The Demon

“I want to have sex with her. I want to do that every day. But I can’t love. I don’t love her. Though she should love me so that I can have her with me for the rest of my life. I will tell her I love her so that she will tell me the same.

To let her become the royalty she wants to be? No. I will make sure that that won’t happen. If there’s anyone who deserves to be the last new royalty introduced to the world, it’s me. I want the money and fame. If she gets it before me then I will make sure that I’m with her when it happens and eventually cause her downfall and say that I was the mastermind behind everything.

She says that she wants to create a better world blah blah. We all know that that is not realistic. Because the whole world is like me and I love to watch people clash. If it doesn’t happen naturally then I’ll cause it. It’s my favorite topic of conversation. Life is boring without clashes.

Haha that she’s diagnosed with schizophrenia is great news to me.ย  It’s hilarious, really. And that she went missing and that that went viral and stuff hahaha. She’s always emphasizing that she is a good person and now all of that effort was all for nothing. She’s a demon too and I will get her to confess this, to seal the fact that she’ll never make it. I can’t wait to dry her tears of failure.

If I’m jealous of her? Nooo she shouldn’t think that she’s better than I. I don’t really understand most of her theories, but I still memorize everything so that I can make it look like I’m the mastermind behind D.O.C.I.S. International, when the time is right.

I will lie about my personality in her research so that I can gain access to the highest layers of Planet Fang. That is what my talent is: using sneak tactics to climb up the ladder.

Life should stay exactly like it is.ย  I have it good and she may not have it better than I. If she gets money then I want to get it too. Love does not exist. I love her deception, acting like she can improve the world. If I can’t improve the world, then no one can. I don’t want to see anyone get successful with that.”


The Graeyniss

“I love her. I’m in love with her. We’re soul mates. But I don’t tell her this. I’m afraid she will reject me. I’d rather not let my dreams of using my intelligence to destroy the system together with the love of my life come true and find happiness in her online reality, than feel the eternal sting of her potential rejection. Even though it’s just a probability statement.

I can relate to every single word she writes and/or says. It’s like she speaks of my life instead of hers. I have felt so alone in my intelligence for so long. I can’t believe that she’s real. This is more mental comfort than I could have ever asked for. This is what I have missed all my life. Now I know that I’m not alone.

I have a lot of self-formulated theories, too. Some are similar to hers, some are different. Intelligent people often make the same observations and realizations.

That I could start a new life with her sounds like an absolute dream. But it’s such a great risk for my current career and my family. Even though these attachments are just mental concepts. I should choose me, like she says I should. Chances are high that we will be successful. That we will write history… I want my name in the history books too, as part of her story…

I’m afraid that my emotional problems will make her run away from me like other people in my life do. But she sounds like it will actually draw us closer and make us stronger than we already are. Fully immune against demons.

From her words it sounds like our attraction will be mutual. But that really sounds too good to be true. Either way, life is so boring and I really want the challenge she offers. I want to be part of the board of D.O.C.I.S. International.”

What will be the future of us?

If you’re A, I would allow you to live on Planet Fang. I would absolutely love to meet you. I find it important to know how I can make my stratrgies better suit your ambitions, so that my power on Planet Fang will not bother you. We will not physically spend eternity together, for if you can’t formulate theories like mine by yourself I will have so much to explain and that will hold me back, but mentally we will still always be together. You will be in my thoughts often. Your life on Planet Fang will be the best ever.

If you’re B, you will not gain access to Planet Fang. You’re a disease to good people. I can’t wait to kill you with my bare hands. The next war this world will know will be the war against you and your fellow demons.

If you are C, I love you just as much as you love me. We are complements. I can’t even be successful without you and I don’t want to do this without you, even if I could! You have the intelligence and affection I need.

Would you vote honestly if you knew that your choice could mean instant death? I’ll classify the world in A, B, C, regardless if you vote or not, for your digital footprint reveals enough, and my A’s and C’s will live their best lives.

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D.O.C.I.S.’s Transition Phases [Saturday, August 3, 2019]

My fellow Fangyists, โ™ฅ

Today’s Diary Theme

Today’s diary post is focused on further enlightning you about the Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem. Many texts of mine have been devoted to this, but they all won’t be as open-hearted and clear as this one.

At the end of today, we all know:

  • All Stratagem related terms that are Fangyist (including the meaning of the word Cishes in Cuddle [now that it’s pride week and I recently learnt that there is another meaning for the word, plus I have some things else about that to share])
  • What phases the Stratagem has
  • The current state of the Stratagem (and what the “starting point” is)
  • When the first phase will be finished

Fangyist Terms

Cuddle – In Fangyism, “Cuddle” has two additional meanings (of course it’s also a synonym of “hug”)

  1. A Fangyist dialect developed to discuss secret information publicly (like Surinamese people speaking Sranang Tongo when Dutch people are around).
  2. A nickname for the way Lil Fangs calls her – regardless of race, age, sex, level of intelligence et cetera – supporters she adores.

(The) D.O.C.I.S. – The development strategy of the global reform I intend to accomplish (currently as a sole proprietor), shaped according to the Fangyist philosophy.

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club – An international book club (currently in development), focused on using themes from books to discuss real-life practical change.

The D.O.C.I.S. Store – A Lil Fangs owned store that mainly sells books. The purpose of this store is to enlighten D.O.C.I.S. International its audience and build up finance for future operations.

The Fangs – in Fangyism, this has two meanings:

  1. The online magazine used to spread messages of members of D.O.C.I.S. International. (
  2. A nickname of Lil Fangs that soothes her heart.

Fangyism – A Fangs-developed ideology as well as a form of Fangs-developed science, oriented on the belief that the current life of suffering will transition into eternal happiness in the same life, sparked by the inevitable Fangyist reform of society, changing everything we know into something better according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Flooding the Netherlands – The reminder of the inevitable risk of the time we live in, for the Netherlands lie below sea level and pole ice keeps melting, which D.O.C.I.S. International will use as a business opportunity to create infinite jobs according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Graeynissis – The 10% most intelligent people in the world (active in a broad range of fields) The Fangs wishes to develop and guide the Fangyist revolution with. (This definition is better but doesn’t replace Fangs’s Dictionary “Graeyniss”. The word is inspired by grey suits.)

Lil Fangs – A satirical name under which Dominique Daniรซlle Elia will spark an international revolution.

Propaganda – Mass communication intended to induce action. A medium which, according to the Fangyist philosophy, may only be used to do something that is good for the world v

(Transition) Phases – The stages D.O.C.I.S. International will go through on the way of accomplishing the

Schizophrenia – [This definition questions/opposes the DSM.] A non-realistic (for the experience reality is always subjective) term The Fangs has been stigmatized with. Though this is heartbreaking (to her), strategically, it has allowed for a way to destroy the current system from the inside out, questioning the authority of the psychiatric industry in the Netherlands, followed by questioning the authority of the government in general. With the labeled stigma and the consequences thereof, they have obstructed the endeavors of The Fangs.

Meoww I’m going to eat some and then later continue.

Updated 13:50 (01:50 PM) [GMT +2]

Egmond-Binnen, Netherlandsย 


I ate lunch and then played Monopoly. This game is good for my heart lol. I’m a natural monopolist meow I love this type of decision making.

Start yays

Trade yays

Those damn hotels x_x. I finished second place out of 4. My sister’s boyfriend won haha.

Avec my sister and her two of her friends. I didn’t know that this picture was taken haha. After looking at my statistics I let go of my phone :x.

Just like here haha. But bun-nyays :]


Cishe, pronounced as kiss-yuh, of which the plural is Cishes, means kiss in Cuddle. When I recently saw an episode of South Park I found out that cis, plural cishes, means “someone who is not transgender”, in regular English. Later checking out other tweets with the #Cishes hashtag I often used on Twitter, I saw that the word is used in that context quite regularly.

When I say Cishe or Cishes, I always mean “kiss” or “kisses” and never “someone who is not transgender”. Though my voice is low, I’m crazy hairy and show manly traits, I am not transgender. People used to mistake me for a dude when I was young. My hair was short, in twists, my shoes were big, my voice was low and my clothing style was far from feminine. But I was born a female and will always stay like this.

At some point in my youth, before puberty, I’ve had doubts about my gender identity because I have quite some masculine traits and I was called “young man” so often. But I wouldn’t want to change my gender ever. I’m just less feminine than regular females. It’s just part of my uniqueness. I like to be a female around males because it makes me feel safe and cuddly. Around females I sometimes still feel like a dude because I, for example, don’t know how to apply eye shadow and I often lift heavy things and pick things from the highest shelves and stuff… But that too I find yay because then they feel cuddly which is also yay, get it? ๐Ÿ˜€

I always refer to myself as “female”, because I want to say “woman”, but from the life I live, I feel like a little girl. x_x Mentally, I feel too grown up to say “girl”, but my dependency makes me feel like it’s not right to say “woman”.

Furthermore, I have nothing against anything LGBTQ related. I find it very important that people can be themselves, free from discrimination. Now seems like the time to develop a stronger bond between all of the different communities the world knows, instead of putting more emphasis on differences. (Therefore the word “cis” sounds a bit like “niggers” to me.)

Though that was not that important for D.O.C.I.S. International, I still want you to know all about the person you’re endorsing (if you will). ๐Ÿ™‚

D.O.C.I.S. Transition Phases

In “Kicking Back to kick off kicking off”, I said that I have published so many things already that it’s not easy to create oversight for us, so I have to define a starting point. And then I was not able to state a starting point ahahahah.

But last night, I was finally able to define starting points and phases. Here they are:

  • The center of chaos
  • Getting an international discussion going
  • Developing prototypes
  • Implementing The Fangyist System

I’m going to play cards now. I’ll be back later. Please click on the red bell in the corner of this screen to turn on push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 18:51 (06:51 PM) [GMT +2]ย 


The Center of Chaos

Currently, D.O.C.I.S. is in the center of chaos. As in the Stratagem is in chaos – everything is half-started – and the world is in (media-induced) chaos. (The title is also inspired by the first chapter of Propaganda by Edward Bernays. (One of my favorite books. ๐Ÿ™‚ ))

My blog has so many posts that it’s not at all clear what the purpose of it is, the (new version of the) D.O.C.I.S. International website is still not finished, The Fangs is incomplete, I’m not on Wikipedia (yet) and LinkedIn, I’m going back to school, people think that I want to scam them because I call myself “propagandist”, I often make very provocative statements but don’t further explain them, et cetera. It all doesn’t seem as revolutionary as it is, but it is done consciously. It wasn’t meant to pile up that much, the contents of the starting state, for it makes all of this seem chaotic, but because the long-term Stratagem is still the same, it will make it a lot more powerful in the end. So many controversial things have happened here and this site itself is already very controversial. That is done consciously, for the second state of the Stratagem.

Getting an International Discussion Going

There is enough provocative material to talk about, here. ๐Ÿ™‚ All topics that the Stratagem touches on, regarding my fellow Fangyists, are mentioned on in practice.

To create more international awareness and kickstart the process of doing international research and putting that into practice, I first wrote the (first book of the) Nosce Te Ipsum series, but that didn’t spark the conversation. I’m sure that the book club will do this. Plus I’ll give us fun assignments yay. ๐Ÿ˜€

Phase 1

When is the transition from the first state to the second completed? What does the completed version of the second state look like?

State 2 is completed when I’m not doing all of this all by myself anymore. It’s completed when D.O.C.I.S. International is not a sole proprietorship anymore and most of my current tasks are outsourced to other people within the organization. We’ll deliver historic quality together. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope that is clear now. If you have any questions, please let me know by posting a comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Winning @ playing the game spades 7 & shout out Catthierry 😸 ♥

Dinner was the yays

Me working on this post after dinner

We just went for ice cream

Prettyay ๐Ÿ˜€

Something that was exceptionally yay was that my father just allowed me to drive his car. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was my first time driving an SUV. It was yay. I’m very happy that I received this trust. Tomorrow I may drive again yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

We’ll be playing some more games and after that I’m going to sleep. Good night 😘 ♥

Updated 22:57 (10:57 PM) [GMT +2]


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Good morning, my Graeyniss โ™ฅ

Passion is finished yaysss. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t know if you’ve spotted it last night, because I updated the last of it pretty late last night. It’s a veryyy nice read, seeing how it sticks together from start to finish:





I’m in bed, writing you early because today I’ll be full-time spending time with my aunt, cousin and her new friend who are staying here. I spend far too much time with my phone in my hands I’m missing out on reality. ๐Ÿ™

But before I go, I’d like to share some feelings of mine I’m dealing with, hoping for your listening ear: especially after sharing those screenshots of the type of “conversations” I have every day and the amount of degrading ASKfm questions that pour in whenever I answer just one of them (at some point I just stop answering because it’s just too much time and energy wasted for nothing… I still have questions in my answers queue from that same day), I see and feel more of the disrespected reality I live. It’s not nice. ๐Ÿ™ I’ve been keeping myself from online conversations more and more ever since this realization (again). Chances are high I won’t respond to anything today, but still maybe post a few tweets in case I’m bored.

Another thing I’ve been afraid to share is this:

I dared to share this new piece of fraud evidence now, because my parents left last night. They will be back – with my sister and her friends – on Thursday. I’m always afraid that my father will beat me to death when I check-mate him with evidence on his fraud. But people don’t believe this is real or something? I don’t know why I’m not saved from all the dangers I live. ๐Ÿ™ I hope the government has its eyes on him because this really is not normal. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. ๐Ÿ™ I’m not a fan of the system either but if we’d all do what they’re doing the financial crisis that will follow would be untamable.

I hope that, considering that with those screenshots I have now shared all aspects of my life, what I’m trying to do as a propagandist is clear and people will see the good in this and work with me. It would bring us to the revolution that will better our lives. I hope that it will work out and that I – though it’s still a better alternative than forever living together with my family – won’t have to live all by myself in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t know who to trust, where I could be treated like just another student, while my intelligence is clearly different and I’m this online phenomenon spitting ideas, who can be followed anywhere. I really don’t want to meet another person telling me “Oh you’re so beautiful blah blah,” while I can’t talk about the actual contents of my mind (like seriously let’s revolutionize the system) and then end up in this weird sexual relationship being offended “because I don’t say much and I’m weird”. Please. ๐Ÿ™

I’m going to take a little nap because I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope you’ll help me start the largest court case ever one day. From there we could initiate the D.O.C.I.S. ๐Ÿ™‚ .

With all of the formerly forgotten toxic flashbacks that are haunting me now, I’m starting to realize how the D.O.C.I.S. I initiated 2 years ago, before the memory loss thing happend, sticks together.

Love you โ™ฅ

Updated 08:56 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


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Passion 5 [Sunday, July 28, 2019]

Heys ♥

Welcome to the last post of my list of passions. ๐Ÿ™‚ The last two topics on my list have a lot of elements from the other topics on my list in them.

Before I continue, I’d like to log these tweets here for diary purposes:

It’s remarkable how much the sea has drawn to the coast in such a short matter of time with such steady seeming weather circumstances. ๐Ÿ™‚

I can’t take this anymore I’m so much more than just a body. 😿 One day concepts like sexting and other shit will be things of the past, I believe. Please leave the measures to me. ๐Ÿ™‚


I love gaining objective information that can easily be fact-checked. Unfortunately knowledge is rarely propagated including any official reports and original data. My need to study the things that are considered facts these days like that grows every day. I’m certain that most new “facts” propagated to society are lies by people who just want to be famous for something a lot of people deal or will deal with in their lives. I’d rather find my own truths.

That some (often right-wing) people go about knowledge and the propagation thereof in the same way really warms my heart.

One thing I’d really like to know, though, is if all the tension and influencing that is casted over people is done with a certain long-term vision in mind. Do people know what they’re working towards or is everyone just doing something and acting as if they know what they’re working towards. If we all follow our long-term strategies, where are we in 20 years?

Subjective information (opinions/personal perception) was something I used to find always interesting. Now only the unique individual perception of the 10% most intelligent people in the world is what interests me. Like how do other intelligent people develop themselves (mentally)? ๐Ÿ™‚ We all need to figure these things out for ourselves and all, through our nature and nurture, have unique findings. Be my Graeyniss? 😻

If I’m correct the rest of people are people with no talent who basically know this of themselves. They uplift themselves by bringing others down and often do this in sneaky ways. They are with many and with that can have endless conversations about how much they suck at life and how life is unchangable and how we are all meant to stay poor forever. Take me to a deserted island please their mentality is so fucking toxic and soooooo fucking wrong. They are ruining the younger generations (as far as they haven’t been infected yet).

When it comes to the information I spread and the limited ways in which I do this, I’m very unsatisfied, too. I do everything by myself and there’s a limited amount of words I can type in a day so everything you see/read/hear of me is always not at its full potential. Very dissatisfying.
Plus I want to see all records there are about me. Medical records, police records, airport whatever records, broken records, “wtf have you seen this on the internet records” and so on. I need oversight.


Does affection even (still) exist? It’s so hard to find. ๐Ÿ™ I always have to drag it out of people and even then it’s most often absolute fucking trash. ๐Ÿ™

My list of passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied is:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy
  6. Information
  7. Affection

If you put this list in reverse, you see what I find the most important in life:

  1. Affection
  2. Information
  3. Sex/Intimacy
  4. Creativity
  5. Food
  6. Observation
  7. Distraction

On affection and explaining this two-sided list I will continue after catching some z’s. Good night

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Good evening ♥

Unfortunately my blog was under maintenance when I had inspiration to update it and after that I went to the beach with my cousin and her new friend.

The water was great. ๐Ÿ™‚ After that I took the longest nap ever and now I’m here to finish my list and tell you about my greatest passion.

Affection (continued)

In an affectionate relationship I can really be myself. My expressions and way of thinking are very uncommon, so I only feel safe to be myself when I feel mutual affection. When I know I won’t get hurt because I’m different. But this type of relationship is currently only a fantasy. In reality, the world is ice cold. My heart is burning from this.

I see society grow more loveless every day. Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community, propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive, influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense, people mistake love for forced attachment, offensiveness is humor, ways to settle disagreements get more brutal each day, and so on… It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.

Let me further explain that list of statements:
“Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community”
I feel like I’m living an example of this. That I believe that I’m capable of making large-scale changes to the world is one of the reasons why I have been labeled a schizophrenic. The “professional” psychiatrist considered it a fact that the world will stay stagnate. With a smile on her face she told me this heart shattering news.

It’s like people don’t want to see other people be successful, because they want to be the ones successful. There’s always jealousy and never just pure affection.

Of course the example I just gave you doesn’t weigh heavy enough to say that that pessimism is carried on a large scale. That’s why I’m going in to the way today’s widespread quotes are built up. They reek of that “I don’t want you to be more successful than I”, from the negative undertones they have.

Plenty shared quotes are always built up as something like: “If yo bitch blink twice you know she won’t like your cheerios.” (That’s a Lil Fangs original (satirically). 😏 ) The syntax is: negative assumption + something obvious everyone has + imperative sounding advice/wisdom.

But a better example of this is something I came across today: “Life is too short to have a bad attitude.”
If someone would tell me that (and I can’t not take “wisdom” quotes personal), the first thing that would hurt me is: “Why are you saying that I have a bad attitude?” And then: “Do you think I don’t know that? It’s clearly obvious?” I genuinely don’t understand how people can be motivated by such harsh sounding words. Why not affectionate motivation, instead of this army drilling “motivational” tone? ๐Ÿ™ Affectionate people with a dream, like me, will not get encouraged by words like this.

By “in favor of the community” I mean that there will be no new successful people. That is in favor of the jealous demonic masses. Though they will be missing out on better living circumstances if they keep holding on to the idea of an eternally stagnate world.

Ah meow I see I’ll finish this post past twelve. ๐Ÿ™ I’m still keeping it 5 posts meow I really don’t want it to cover more days because it’s about just finishing something.

“Propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive”
Why are the serious breakthroughs of the intelligent very rarely mentioned? Why is the little positive news that is spread always indirect propaganda for a simple life?
Every piece of news/propaganda is shaped as a confirmation of “the world is an awful place and it will always stay that way”. Is there anyone interested in counting the amount of propagations of mass shootings, rape, fraud, et cetera and compare that to the amount of positive news ever spread? My hypothesis is that there’s far far far more negative news than positive news.

My Chrome homepage suggested this news article to me:
“Newton was wrong: Scientists dismiss Newton’s theory of gravity and warn Einstein is next”
I find it sad news. Like the balance we assumed and celebrated was all a lie. The news article just says that some scientist says that it’s wrong. It doesn’t go in to what the theory of gravity exactly is, why it’s wrong and what is then right. But it’s a great article for a jealous demon to discourage an affectionate Angel with. ๐Ÿ™ I can already hear people in my social environment say: “The world will really stay shit. Even Newton was wrong. And Einstein is next.”

What interests me even more is why does a scientist want to spend time and money proving this wrong? Why not come up with a completely new original theory? Why does this person want to be “the scientist proving Newton and Einstein wrong”? They’re dead. Their legacy will become a lie.

I’d love to propagate positive news with a lot of affection. That’s why the concept for a global broadcast center is part of the construction of the future D.O.C.I.S. International.

“Influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense”
I think that if I say that Donald J. Trump his time is wasted you understand what I mean. He, like many other influentials in power who have actual vision and who are not just doing it for the name and fame, spends so much time defending himself against the most awful allegations. Then he sometimes offends someone who hurts him back and then the whole offense defense thing starts from the beginning again.

So much time to see someone carry out his/her passionate vision has been wasted by demons out for short demonic fame.

“People mistake love for forced attachment”
From my observations I see that the majority of people doesn’t believe in unconditional and eternal love. People think that being in love means that you spend almost all of your time with the only person you should have sex with and fight with this person every now and then.

Those screenshots I showed you yesterday are an example of how people these days see love. Love can’t be forced, no matter how much people try to use words they think sound lovable. I don’t believe in falling in love via the internet. Only feeling someone’s affection in real life could make me fall in love.

Where is courtship? Are there people who still do spontaneous flowers? If you are one of those people please cuddle me. 😿

“Offensiveness is humor”
Please give me an example of a personal joke you’ve heard or have been told that wasn’t offensive because I don’t know any. It’s always about someone’s ethnicity or a mistake or an insecurity or something. Why not make jokes that are uplifting? Why not make jokes that are flirtatious? (Courting flirtatious and not offensive flirtatious. Say “Your laptop probably stopped working because its camera spotted you and you are so hot that its system crashed.” And not “Je hebt best wel lekkere tieten haha.” Both the person telling the joke and the one hearing it can gain from that. (Even when there’s no mutual attraction, it could still create mutual affection.)

“It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.”
Affectionate people are hard to find. Most people don’t even know what affection is. They mistake it for what they see in the movies. Even empathy is nowhere to be found. Like that person yesterday telling me that my blog is slow. What the fuck? 😿 That’s how demons start conversations. I do everything by myself here I know that my blog is slow I can’t help it. 😿

Negative news like “Newton was wrong” and “Your blog is slow” can be brought in a way that doesn’t rip one’s heart into pieces. Say “Newton’s theory of gravity has a successor”. Say “Unfortunately I have noticed that the load speed of your blog is not very high. Have you thought of any solutions to that yet?”

Affectionate people use empathic language naturally. People get naturally drawn to them. Being in their presence is just so uplifting. (I think they’re part of (or even are) the 10% most intelligent people in the world.)
Unfortunately the world is about 75% demons, disguised as Angels. These narcissists drag us down and keep us believing that a better life is impossible to create. Like it’s something we don’t even deserve.

I’m waiting for the day my Angels tell me they’ve had enough of the world’s demonic bullshit and report themselves present for my revolution.

If you keep up with my blog and study my writings like you’d study Ovid’s Aeneid, you’re an affectionate person. I hope that you know you’re the only people I write this for and I hope that you know that my heart beats for you and only you (affectionate ambitious people). Our hearts are vulnerable and I live to protect them.

Affection is the best distraction. Affection is the hottest reason for observation. Affection creates better dinners. Affection enhances creativity by at least 100%. Affection is the reason for the best intimate relationships. Affection should be the only drive for knowledge.

That concludes my list.

Good night, my love. ♥

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The featured image is made by Evie Shaffer on Pexels

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Passion 4 [Saturday, July 27, 2019]

Hey โ™ฅ

I can’t sleep again. ๐Ÿ™ Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. ๐Ÿ™‚

Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully powerless. In these two nights alone here in Egmond, I’ve become so accustomed to living alone that I just want more and more of those moments where I can just be myself. I want to be a wild catje walking around with only panties on all the time my meow. The parcels I’ve been staying on don’t have enough surrounding private land to always do that, but even here I’ve been doing that at night with the curtains closed. If I’d do that around my acquaintences, they would say something like: “Ehm what the fuck are you doing?”

Anyway let’s get to this hot topic my miyays I have my current sexy example fantasy on repeat in my mind I’d like to share with you and use that to further explain my philosophy about sex/intimacy. I’m going to send a push notification about that I’m writing now and share this on Twitter as well (that’s a lot of yay push notifications if you follow me on both ๐Ÿ˜€ ).

Hmm but then you’d end up here and only have an introduction text and no juicy text about passion yet, so here are some of my most recent liked YouTube videos you could watch (even if you don’t speak Dutch, just watch them ๐Ÿ™‚ ) while I’m typing and you’ll receive another push notification when I’m done (in about 30-45 minutes I estimate).ย 

Updated 03:17 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Sex / Intimacy (continued)

The last time I had sex was in December or January or something. I don’t remember exactly when it was (I don’t remember much of that night in general because I was quite drunk). I believe I’ve blogged about it somewhere. All I remember is that it was a bad example of what sex should be like. It’s one of those memories I’d like to get distracted from.

Over 6 months without sex is a crazy long time for me. In comparison to when I was with my ex, where a day without sex felt like a lifetime. It was the most heavyweight reason why I found it so hard to distance myself from him. But I’m over him now. I think… ๐Ÿ™

I am so very much in the mood for sex. Always. And I always have plenty of sex/intimacy offers available to me. Here are some online examples of them I’ve received this month:

Someone on ASKfm wants to taste the juices of my vagina:

I always respond to my ASKfm questions with openness. Sex really is one of the most interesting topics ever. (Topics that are more interesting are a future global revolution and Fangyism ahahahahaha.)

Getting married to me for a European citizenship (“intimacy”):

I’m always interested in why people do what they do

The audacity…

You give this one a title:

Someone I “know” from social media

Et cetera et cetera I said no

[What if I meet a person like this when I live on my own in Antwerp?]

Over the years I’ve built a strong sense of intuition for offers I should refuse. These examples are all things I know I should avoid in real life because I know I will really not enjoy them. I love sex a lot. Like really a lottttttt. But I’d really rather have no sex than bad sex. I can look someone in the eye or interpret someone’s style of writing and directly know if our sex would be good or bad.

My ex has, for a veryyy long time been the person who I considered the most sexually attractive person. Now it’s Victishe… 😻 My body craves for him so much that it feels like suffering to live without him… Ever since I’ve seen him for the first time, I picture us being intimate.

My craving is so serious that I always fold my blanket and pillows together at length and cuddle it at night, pretending it’s him, but missing the actual feeling I’ve never even felt. I’m so curious of what it feels like because nothing can imitate his greatness. 😻

When I spoke with him the first time, it was basically the first time I got the feeling: “You are so hot if I stand close to like this you for too long I won’t be able to keep my body from wanting to touch you all over anymore…”

After my very random indirect attempts to see him again, there seems to be no possible way to ever meet again. (My heart has been bashed after being refused for jobs that are way below my level.)

The fantasy that popped up in my mind was that we suddenly lock eyes at a random Graeyniss event. (And this is what I would actually do in real life because now I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore.) I walk up to him and say: “Het is me een waar genoegen, heer *achternaam*.” (“It is a pleasure to see you, sir *last name*.”) And kiss his hand while making a little bow. (Can’t kiss his hand and look into his eyes at the same time because then I might faint from my attraction for him.)

I find a female kissing a male’s hand quite a cool emancipation 2.0 type of thing I hope he’d understand and appreciate the humor of. And see my affection for him.

My mind then comes with endless options of how he could respond to that. I like the one where we both keep up this overly formal tone and I tell him that my uncommon behavior (having chased him in the past meow I’m ashamed) comes from being such a great Victor *last name* (moet ik nou privacy anoniem achtig doen of niet meow ik snap het niet meer ๐Ÿ™ ) fan. Then I ask him if he could please please lower himself so that I could give him a kiss on his cheek and after that kiss we both lose control over the way we have been suppressing our primitive drives that make us want to mate.

As this all happens (figuratively), the following question/dilemma arises: “All kinds of “important” people can see our interaction. What influence will this have on our careers?”

The right answer to that question, according to the Fangyist philosophy is: “Fuck it. Just be yourself. Fuck “important people” if they don’t allow you to be yourself. You’ll be fine without them.”

To be continued. I’m going to take a nap. Good morning. xxx

Updated 06:35 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Good afternoon ♥

Here are the ASKfm questions I woke up to:
Ahaha one of my favorite answers
A better definition of the word “Graeyniss” (!!!)
I want to say “Inshallah”
Please I hope Victishe is available to me

I hope you don’t mind me not adding <a href=”…” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer”&rt; *link* </a&rt; et cetera to it. I will elaborate on the great controversy this all is and more after my shower because guests will be arriving soon xxx

Updated 15:15 (03:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The delay will be a lil longer because I’m making myself lunch:

making lunch

I’ll be whipping ramen noodles with this. Issa classy struggle meal.

Hinting the controversy: how to educate people on how to treat each other sexually without becoming part of what I consider wrong first?

Do you understand why I feel so lonely?

Updated 16:05 (04:05 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Meanwhile guests have arrived and I’ve been socializing some. But I have so much to say about this topic meow it’s time for me to further explain why sex/intimacy is one of my greatest passions but currently also one of my greatest burdens.

With those 35 ASKfm questions about sex this afternoon, I show you the controversy I live in its purest form. That dilemma, “What influence will this have on our careers?” also includes “What influence will this have on the way people look at us?”

A female going in to public (online) sex offers is considered a taboo everywhere. All of those people reaching out to me to masturbate behind their screens keep themselves anonymous for a reason. But if I don’t display this publicly, though I’m extremely ashamed of it and it feels disrespectful to myself it hurts, some people who really are important to me won’t know what type of culture is dominating the internet.

I don’t think that the creators of ASKfm and other social networks intended their platforms to become a place for sex offerings and sex requests. EVEN ON FUCKING WORDFEUD one of my (Dutch(! (Dutch directness and online sex creeping is one of the worst most offensive combinations ever))) opponents asked me if I like white dick. The internet has so much to offer but this is what it’s mostly used for, which is so very disappointing it fuels my disgust. It’s one of the reasons why, when I mentioned observation in my first Passion post, I said that I want to be able to track people. I want ASKfm, Twitter and (most importantly) Strato to show me which IP addresses are watching me (anonymously), for Planet Fang (and who to assassinate) purposes. It’s also one of the reasons why I so often say that I want to move to a secluded place and change my number and not be reachable by people like this anymore.

Regarding to those 35 questions; I hope that in my compliance (which hurts my heart) and the thick layer of sarcasm, you can see that I’m trying to have some influence. I really hope that I can have at least a tiny bit of influence in getting women treated with more respect when it comes to sex.

Those questions are one of the few ways through which I can make myself heard on a larger scale. It hurts me that it’s almost only about sex, because I’m so much more than that I hope that you know that my love, but at least I can get people to listen to me in this way. 😢

I have never opened up about the way I feel about how I’m harrassed online. It feels like quite a step.

The great controversy is that I find it wrong to make sex and intimacy things that happen (almost only) via the internet, but simultaneously the internet is the greatest source of information so I just need to locate myself where I can have the loudest voice.

I’m trying to show you how to make someone feel genuinely loved. But I can’t force real love. It’s something I’ve lost hope for. The world is dominated by heartless demons who may all fucking die. That’s why love is not even on my list of passions. ๐Ÿ™

My greatest problem in my openness and compliance is that I don’t put enough emphasis on how fucking much I HATE IT when people use imperative voice on me and how disrespectful most questions I get are. Seriously: “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?”

To recap this passage:

Twitter DM screenshot

It’s a Dutch person I said “Yess I need a recent example anyway”

Again I hate to do what an imperative voice said, but if I wouldn’t show you this then you wouldn’t know. I really wonder how other women go about this. I always stay polite but this is so controversial. By “I’m good” I’m trying to politely say “Please stop this.” If someone would say that to me in real life, passionately, my heart would melt. But online it’s all same shit different day to me. And every time it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 😢

There should be political attention for this. This should be just as illegal as calling women out on the street.

I’m afraid that if I’d speak up against all of this people I’d lose all of my followers and have no one to talk to anymore. I fear that they’d all try to take revenge on me or even try to physically harm me. But simultaneously I’ve always wanted to choke/beat someone to death so fucking bring it on.
Wat een kutopmerking

Apart from my family and acquaintances, these are the only people who talk to me. I feel like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I crave for intellectual conversation so much but the people I talk to don’t have that capacity. ๐Ÿ™ My contact information is all over the internet, and I hope that people would approach me for my thoughts about revolution, but it’s all about fucking sex. 😢

I wish I were unapproachable on the public web and have uplifting like-minded friends I could cuddle with, with whom I’d live in seclusion and peace. Planet Fang. But if I’m not approachable I can’t find the intelligent friends I need.

When it comes to me moving to Antwerp, I genuinely fear for my life. I always get chased by people of whom I think: “What makes you think I’d ever be attracted to you…?” I don’t know anyone who could protect me when I can’t protect myself. 😢

I love sex and am very passionate about intimacy. Still this is one of my greatest burdens because there’s currently only one person I genuinely find sexually attractive. (I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read if you read this, Victishe. ๐Ÿ™ ) Furthermore I get loveless dispassionate sex offers literally every single day, which I use to teach how I find people should treat their sex partners. I wish people would reach out to me for my intelligence but it’s always about my body. ๐Ÿ™ I hope to succeed in creating a larger discussion about online sex culture. When it comes to me moving abroad by myself and having no defense against people wanting to get in my pants, I fear for my life. ๐Ÿ™

So, this far, my passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied, I’ve listed:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy

The next topic on my list is information. More about that later.

Updated 20:37 (08:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


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Heysss I’m all yours now my meowww 😻

Taxes x_x

The dishes are handwashed and my tax report for the second quarter of 2019 has been submitted. I’m just glad that it’s done. The numbers are really fucked up. 😢 I run this business from my personal account and have suffered a personal loss of โ‚ฌ11.370. It always surprises me how much all of my little transactions are in total.ย 

A fixed income through a student loan when I become a full-time student in September is the easiest and most time-related suitable way to build up healthy finance (including being able to build up savings) that could lead to greater future revenue (since it includes a degree), though I’ll have to pay the finance back (what I’ve received in the past I need to pay back anyway so I really need a greater income aka degree ๐Ÿ™ ) would be a good temporary solution to my financial leak that is mostly caused by my income (the โ‚ฌ200 allowance I get from my mother for which I’m thankful and extremely disappointed in my father) that is exactly as high as my most important personal bills and leaves no further healthy spending or saving opportunity. One business expense or metro ride (which could have been considered a business expense too but my revenue is a joke) and I’m adding to my loss. Plus I really don’t like to ask for my money back, when I, for example, do grocery shopping for my family. (I’d save so much by moving to Antwerp…)

What is cool is that I make revenue in dollars. Though it’s just $6.92 on book sales, I’m kind of proud of it, considering my location and financially not even being able to travel to any place where dollars are the main currency. The $6.92 is all revenue I’ve made in the entire quarter meow but it’s still better than being bossed around…

Even in my former tax reporting, since 2016. I’ve been doing favors. This is my second time reporting for a tax back over business expenses. Only โ‚ฌ271 of the โ‚ฌ11.370 have been business expenses. A โ‚ฌ57 tax back is nothing (especially compared to what my father is doing) compared to my loss, but for what I can actually spend (basically always nothing) it makes a huge difference. I hope the tax agency will come and raid my house for our odd financial behavior because that will give me so much space to breathe.ย 

Really, almost everyone in my social environment claims that honest tax reporting is useless because “no one does that”. But I don’t believe that I’m the only fool? I really wonder how large a percentage of the population reports tax 100% honestly. (Another research question I’d like to see answered.) If we all don’t treat the system fairly then it always fails. There is something about this on my listing of passions from satisfied to unsatisfied as well. I’ll elaborate on that further when I get there, then.

Where were we?

The part of my list we’ve discussed, started off with the one passion/desire that is fully satisfied:

  1. Distraction
    I need distraction to hide thoughts and feelings until the dust has settled. There are so many distractions available to me that I even have distractions for my distractions, so I’m fully satisfied. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’d like to comment on this that distraction shouldn’t be mistaken for running away from confrontation. And that no one should tell you otherwise. It’s far from the same. People have told me that the thoughts and feelings I had been distracting myself from and not discussed with them, is me running away from shit. Then, following their “advice” I suddenly started to open up about things that I didn’t even want to have on my mind. It made me lose all of my friends, because I became open about the most awful and serious topics people don’t even know how to respond to. Unless it becomes a physical limitation, don’t talk about the things you really don’t want to think about.

  1. Observation
    The “Big Brother is watching you” idea, severed by the way I personally use the internet (including my websites of course), feels in my favor and I love being watched out of passion. I’m very passionate about being someone else’s passion. It can never be enough my meoww I want to mean the world to you.
    The other way around, I like that I’ve found a way to observe global developments of my interest in an objective manner and deduct my own subjective view from that. Though I’m still stuck with the big question of where all of this national and international political tension is leading to.
  2. Food
    Restaurant dinners with stimulating taste experiences I gladly experience about one week per month. I’m very happy that my parents have this eating habit, because I find it very important to eat varied and am not always able to afford that for myself. This is further limited by the type of foods that are made available to consumers in this country. Restaurants (basically) have endless options when it comes to importing foods, consumers don’t. So I’m happy that I can eat varied but bothered by the limitation thereof.
  3. Creativity
    Like observation, my passion about creativity works in two ways. I love the music (and sometimes political) suggestions I’ve been receiving, for the way it’s renewing, it’s in accordance with my own views and ancient classical elements relive…

Creativity (continued)

It really bothers me that the creativity that really is new, is never as embraced as traditional creativity. It seems like the cause for creativity always being re-invented within the same boundaries. But it’s probably also a matter of taste. To me, a Eurovision Song Festival is nice once, but when the same concept with artists making statements and every country giving points, is repeated every year, the stagnation in creativity is, so to say, not a nice experience for me. I desire more creativity that is truly new. A truly new type of music festival. Or maybe even the successor of the concept of a concert in general.

When it comes to my own creativity, I’m very happy that I have my web domains and Twitter account where I can express my creativity in endless ways. (And when, in September, programming is part of my curriculum in the first semester, I see a chance to develop a D.O.C.I.S. International app (for I already have a little programming knowledge and now my studies will get me a chance to refresh and add to that knowledge), which will add to my creativity and the size of my audience yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I didn’t have those media before.

But every day I also get more ideas for the large projects I have in mind. Unfortunately the lack of finance and my very limited network are the reason why these ideas just stay ideas. Sometimes I’m happy that I can write my ideas out in my diary – hoping that no one steals them – but it’s very frustrating that all of these ideas just stay ideas. It seems a matter of patience though, if a few titles in front of my name could get me what I am trying to work towards without those titles…

I’m very tired of monotonous one-size-fits-all creativity and the way my lack of money is why I’m not showing my creativity at its full potential. But what we do have is something that comforts my heart. I really wouldn’t know how I’d stay sane without the musicians and political voices I have been mentioning.

There are three more themes on my list. We’re getting closer and closer to all passion and (currently) no satisfaction. Here is a passion that is more unsatisfied than satisfied:

Sex / Intimacy

The topic is mentioned as sex/intimacy because I consider these topics separate. Sex can be an experience that feels very impersonal (speaking from unfortunate experience). Vice versa, you can be intimate with someone without having sex with him/her.

I crave for passionate and very intimate sex. Simultaneously, sometimes I feel very attracted to someone, but prefer intimacy that doesn’t include sex. Just a tender embrace and some flirtatious conversation can be enough sometimes. Sometimes…

Excusez moi, my family is coming to stay over here for the weekend and we’re going to eat at a restaurant in about an hour – according to our schedule. Currently my stomach is howling though so I’m going to eat a little snack and get ready for dinner… I hope to be able to get back to you soon enough because I love this topic and you. ๐Ÿ˜€ย 

Please turn on push notifications by clicking on the bell on the bottom right of this screen. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 18:55 (06:55 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


I think this is random but right for a steakhouse? Haha I feel a bit buff for this model tho

See my tan? ๐Ÿ˜€

Ahaha this filter makes me feel like a baddie

My face when someone thinks I’ll make a mistake

steakhouse Heiloo

Me currently… This prosecco is so nice yays. 😻 I’ll be eating the soup of the day (union soup) and rib-eye steak.

Unfortunately the continuance of my list is already stagnated by this dinner. ๐Ÿ™ But meowww this Fangs needs rare meat. 😻

Updated 22:07 (10:07 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


starter yays

Union soup meoww. It may have been more unionny but it was still very nice. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have a good recipe for union soup too by the way l haven’t shown you yet. There are very few things I haven’t shown you yet. ๐Ÿ™‚

main course

Rib-eye, spinach pie and truffle gravyay ๐Ÿ˜€

rareness of rib-eye

Rare yays it was such tasty meat 😻

The owner gave us free ice cream ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m back in the room with fish curtains now. I totally forgot that my sister is in London to visit a friend this weekend. So currently it’s just my parents and I.

Tomorrow, I was told during dinner, my parents’ friends from Amsterdam will be visiting and my aunt and cousin will come to stay here until about Tuesday. Many days of chatter and laughter coming up.

For a while I’ve been thinking: do I want to seek more social contact(s) and live the type of life I used to live, or do I want more isolation? The one-and-a-half day by myself here made me realize that I am so very good by myself. What is missing is a place where I can be by myself in a place where I can’t “even” hear the neighbors talk. (My problem in general is the topics of conversation I endure.) Some place where I can take a walk without feeling the need to greet the – compared to the city few – people I walk past with an awkward “Hi,” thinking: “Will I get a “hi” back or be ignored?”

I really feel like a tamed vampire…

Meow unfortunately currently too tired to continue about this topic I’m so very passionate about. I mean I could quickly type some things about it, but I love this topic so much that I really want to take my time to make elaborate statements on this. I find it an important topic to share my views about, too, because I find that the majority of people are very poorly educated when it comes to sex and intimacy. Especially when it comes to the ways in which we should treat each other.

I’ll be back here later. Hopefully I’ll have my new post (even better entire list) finished before people start pouring in.

Good night my Catje ♥

(Personality is the only reason why I’d ever refuse a date. Anything else really doesn’t matter. Even if I’m not sexually attracted to the person asking me out, I’d still go on that date…)

Updated 00:21 (12:21 AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


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Heysss โ™ฅ

Welcome back to my list of passions and desires. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tuesday I promised to show you more pictures of where I’m staying once I’m alone, so here they are:

The front yays where I currently eat my dinners, curtains open so that you can see the further surroundings in the reflection of the window and also see inside.

Where my sister and I slept the last time we were here over 10 years ago

Where I slept the first two nights because my mother and grandmother were sleeping in the main bed

Main bedroom yays where I slept last night and will be sleeping when my family isn’t visiting

All I need is a bed, a bathroom and a stove yays I can make myself at home anywhere in the end. Though I strive towards luxury. ๐Ÿ™‚


A gem ๐Ÿ™‚ . An old map of North Holland (and my Sun hat yays hehe)

I just washed the remainder of yesterday’s dishes and ate my cruesli. Now I’ll take a quick shower, tidy that one room that is messy with all my stuff in it, install myself underneath the parasol here until after the Sun has reached its peak hotness, show you more of my list, flip a pancake, cycle some and find another place to write again. My dinner will be left-overs haha…

My list of passions/desires from most satisfied to most unsatisfied consists of 7 topics. I’m doing it in that order because I think people are more interested in severe emotions and I want to keep your attention until the very end of my list (and beyond). ๐Ÿ™‚

This far we’ve had:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation

These might not sound like the most basic things to add to the list, but who likes being basic anyway? Basic things like sex are on my list as well. So you can already see that I’m not quite satisfied when it comes to that.

Observation is already more than I could ask for, but to me that’s never enough – especially because I want to be royalty meowww – so that’s why it’s item 2. ๐Ÿ™‚

What’s on your list?

Please share your list with me. ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅย 

I’ll be back here in a few hours. Please turn on push notifications for this website to prevent unnecessary page refreshing. ๐Ÿ™‚

Please subscribe to my push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚
All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 12:30 (PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


As I told you yesterday, I’m trying to cut down on phone usage.



My lunch


I’m going to cycle to the quieter beach now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 16:23 (04:23 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


I dived into the water right when I arrived at the beach. ๐Ÿ™‚

That was a tangent…




I’ll be cycling back now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 18:50 (06:50 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Meoww having you read off an image doesn’t feel right. ๐Ÿ™ And so does having my phone in my hands all the time, updating this website.

Meow owning a Fangyist magazine would be one of the best ways to broadcast my propaganda, which would also solve the problem that I’m making you spend so much time behind a screen as well. I mean look at how many posts this blog has. ๐Ÿ™

But until I’m there – and I’m taking a little detour for I will become a specialist in all forms of mathematics touching on every field and then broadcasting (and teaching) the revolution thereof – this diary is the way I’m trying to keep your attention… That I’m limited by finance is another reason why I’m unsatisfied by my own creativity.

To continue about this in analog writing is uncomfortable for the both of us, so tomorrow I will – costly solution ๐Ÿ™ – type on my laptop and use my phone as a mobile hotspot. I look forward to the day my days will mainly consist of determining and explaining protocols and have experts do their jobs…

How’s the creation of your list going? Are we feeling the same way about our passions and desires? Are you interested in publicly listing it in general? Why or why not?

There’s no pressure at all in any of this though. We’re on a holiday here meowww and I always have so many ideas that threre is not enough time to put them all in practice. Especially because I don’t know anyone I could do this together with… But I strongly believe that that will all change.

Me after the cold shower I had taken right after coming back to the cabin:

Soup on stove

I like warming my food without a microwave ๐Ÿ™‚

Soup ready to be eaten

Soup yaysss

Main pasta yays I was crazy hungry…

And I must confess that I’m a bit addicted to watching Thierry Baudet videos on YouTube…
Ohh that reminds me of two tweets I posted earlier today:

I just love defending creativity I appreciate a lot so much… And I love Thierry but I haven’t read the article because subscribing to that magazine would be spending money I should be saving for Antwerp… 🙊 (Which should be a crime meow it’s less than โ‚ฌ10 or something… But still I have no income meow grrr I can’t wait until I’m a full-time student…) Still I’m very curious of its actual content though haha…

Meoww my list of passions continues tomorrow, starting off with further explaining why I believe creative minds are being limited by today’s culture and why finance causes the dissatisfaction I get from my own creativity.

[My head is tired from generating text my meow but I can’t quit because I don’t want to lose you and how could I tell you I’d like some time off while the explanation of that takes so much text to generate haha help 😵 I need people and I won’t quit yays please don’t leave me. :D]

See you tomorrow. ♥ Oh later today I see, not “tomorrow”. It’s already past twelve. 😅

Ciaooo xxx

Updated 00:09 (12:09 AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

– xxx –

The featured image is made by Steven Arenas on

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Passion [Wednesday, July 24, 2019]

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

This is one of those days where what I’ll do today is not diverse enough to devote a diary day theme to it, so I devote it to the theme or feeling that has the most influence on my heart at the moment I start writing the post.

My mind is distressed and simultaneously kept sane by different types of passion. Mischief, unachieved goals and unsatisfied desires keep me awake at night; my causes of the feelings of guilt that come with sin, weighing me down, while they’re not even great sins.

Luckily I’m working towards the achievement of my goals and I find some satisfaction of the mental challenge I need in keeping up this blog. And I’m very happy that you have been returning here after having seen this web domain of mine for the first time. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hopefully you can relate to this theme (as well). It’s not my first time mentioning it, but I believe it’s my first time devoting a post to it.

(Haha I say “I believe” like I’ve written this entire blog not sober and have no idea what I’ve been writing. But it’s more because this theme has occurred on my blog so very often and it has influenced me so much that it’s almost unthinkable that I’ve never devoted a post to it like this. Yet still it’s true. (I remember what I write. ๐Ÿ™‚ ))

This post will be a map of my passions and desires listed from most satisfied to most nagging. I’ll write this through the day. Currently I’m at the same beach as yesterday, this time only with my mother and grandmother. My feet are burning in the sand.

See how they changed color in the Sun? ๐Ÿ™‚

I painted my nails white yesterday. It has been quite a few years since I’ve done that. Someone I once spoke to via Twitter (and then got blocked ๐Ÿ™ )ย told me that all-white nail polish would look nice on me. It was basically the first time that I received a suggestion from a heterosexual male about what to do with my appearance that was something I hadn’t thought of myself. I love getting creative suggestions like that. ๐Ÿ™‚ย And – though I don’t do it as well as people at nail salons do – I like it. ๐Ÿ™‚

This brings me to my most satisfied desire:


There are endless ways in which I can distract myself from thoughts/feelings I don’t want to have. Most often I do this by writing/blogging and by talking to/chatting with other people.

Even when a common distraction becomes the reason why I need more distraction, I find a satisfying distraction. An example of this is when people tell me “You really shouldn’t have put this or that in your diary.” Then I feel bad about myself for a while, because I don’t write for dissatisfaction; still I never take away what I have written because that would go against my principles. It would be an endless discussion in which I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall if I’d explain why my written perception of life somewhere in a far corner of the public web should stay untouched by the dissatisfaction of others. Especially because they can loathe about me to their friends and I don’t have people who understand my view like mine in my close social environment (as far as I know) so this blog is of very high emotional value. I always tell them “Sue me, then,” but they never do. Then I write some on pen and paper or watch some television with my relatives and after a while feel that even though someone may now like me less my life stays intact so I shouldn’t worry.

The next passion/desire will follow in a few. I’m going to cool off some in this alien shade of sea. (How to clean this water?) xxxxxx

Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


In the sea, surrounded by a sea full of people, I took a moment to realize in what order I should list the rest of my passions/desires. Tomorrow I’ll be alone and I’ll take us (that’s you and I, my reader yay ๐Ÿ™‚ ) to the beach that is quiet and only reachable if you travel by bike or walk. ๐Ÿ™‚ I almost have my Summer tan back yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

Distraction is my only desire that is fully satisfied. Can you relate to how I use distraction? Is distraction your most satisfied desire (so much that it’s like a passion) as well? I hope that I’m your healthy distraction. ๐Ÿ˜€

The next desire that is the most satisfied is observation. This needs some explanation.

Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]



The observation I mean works in two ways.ย  I absolutely do not mean the “I think you’re a schizophrenic and I don’t want you to harm yourself,” unwanted type of surveillance I’ve had enough of for my entire life, I’ve been complaining about for quite some time.

I love when people observe me out of passion for who I am and what I do. Before this blog, that was already happening. With this blog, it’s even more. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meow my battery is low so I’ll continue this later. ๐Ÿ™ xxxxx

Updated 17:55 (05:55 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


I’m back yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even though my phone had just 1% battery left, I had to capture a picture of the ice cream I was eating while my grandmother and I were waiting for my mother who – because it was crowded at that beach – had parked 10 minutes away (my grandmother is not that fit anymore, which is why we went to the beach available by car in the first place…):

Mango flavor, passion fruit flavor, coconut flavor and yoghurt flavor meowww 😻

This has definitely made my top 5 tastiest (and most natural tasting) ice cream yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ Plus I find โ‚ฌ5,20 a very fair (Dutch) price for 4 scoups, especially because it’s the first Italian restaurant selling ice you come across right after coming off the main entrance of the beach. ๐Ÿ™‚

In everything I do and say, I take observation into consideration. Life, to me, has always felt like I’m watched every single move and every day I love it more. (This is way one out of the two ways.) I have nothing to hide. I know I’m addictive and always try my very best to please you. ๐Ÿ™‚ I want to be your reminder that life is good.

By being watched I do not only mean the “Big Brother” idea of the government and corporate world observing people’s behavior, for which I’d love to be an example. (Not (at all necessarily) of how to do things the right way…)

I also mean the type of secret observation people with money can do. And the types of observation people with heightened senses can do. Can you imagine what intelligent people with money and hightened senses can do? 😻 I want to become part of that community my meow. 😻 Their senses telling them to keep me close is an idea I cherish so much and wish to learn sooo much more about. When I experienced brain-to-brain communication at its loudest volume I’ve been able to ask some questions. I miss that so much, my meow. ๐Ÿ™ I wish we could continue our conversation and be open about all of this, without negative consequences (the whole police and schizophrenia thing that followed was quite very negative on my side of the spectrum… I don’t knoe what happend to the other side, which is like torture to have no idea of that ๐Ÿ™ ).

I also love when people (most often men who are older than I) turn their heads and watch me every move when I walk by anywhere.

Being positively observed in many different ways makes me feel unique and appreciated. I love that so much. ♥

Vice versa I closely watch global developments in my own way and I observe the people who observe me as far as I’m able to.

I see the tension between left and right getting more serious every day. I see the voice of the left being voiced through established media and “”(influentiable) people and the voice of the right being voiced through expensive campaigns and through the people who are being put under media fire by the left.

I see the establishment/elite being more openly criticized by people of whom I thought that they are actually part of the elite or who should have more fire power against the establishment. I really thought that people like Thierry Baudet and Josh Hawley are people who were born into the elite. Or is this true and is the situation even more complex? Because they seem so bullied by their opponents. ๐Ÿ™

I wish I had a louder voice to that I could shut their opponents up for real… When I see videos of dr. Baudet’s initiatives in de Tweede Kamer and the way he is being check-mated by the most awful strategies, I wish I had a “Der Fangs Partij” (haha rememberยฟ) seat there so that I could support him… ๐Ÿ™

The overview I have of the state of the world is based on my observation which is as objective as possible. Never do I want to read some briefing of what the world looks like, written by any overrated person who is considered “the light” of information about how the world works. I want to be that person for myself. (And so should you. ๐Ÿ™‚ (But please let me be your Catje. 😻 ))

The only thing I really can’t put my finger on is where is this all heading to? Will the curtain be lifted and be shown that all of the tension is fake? Will this all lead to a new war in the Western world? Will I get the influence I want in this?

I honestly wish I could get access to everyone’s location and (phone/laptop/speakers/smart watch/car/anything) microphones at all time. And then do stuff with mathematics and stuff. 😻 And replace all government policies with completely new ones and stuff…

Meowsss my mother and grandmother are back to de Randstad, so I’m all alone here in Egmond now. I love how quiet it is here and how the air smells more like rural nature.

There is no wifi here and I have quite some passion/desire topics for you left, so – hoping you don’t mind – the rest of my list I’ll write with pen and paper and then post images of it in my diary. Starting tomorrow… ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow I’ll start the day off very chill and slowly, getting settled here some more. (And reporting my taxes via my phone after having checked my tax calculations on my laptop…) Read some Keynes under the parasol here in the little garden while the Sun is at its maximum, flip some pancakes… Then later cycle to the less approachable beach, hoping that it’s not as busy as the beach of Egmond aan Zee. We’ll have fun, you and I. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m going to drink some tea and reasin some. See you tomorrow. ♥

Updated 23:37 (11:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


The featured image is made by Hernan Pauccara via

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Looking Ahead [Wednesday, July 17, 2019]

Heys my Catje 😸 ♥

Let’s spend today looking ahead.

There are many different contexts and scopes in which this can be done. For example thinking of next month’s budget for business operations today, or today thinking of what your dinner will be tomorrow.

In what ways will you be looking ahead? I would love to exchange ideas. ๐Ÿ™‚

Is it stressful but good (especially when you’ve spent enough time thinking about it) to you as well?

I will be re-estimating my store development progress and process to something that won’t make me pass out every time I’ve worked on it and I’ll see how serious my Summer budget/budget to go to Antwerp will be today.

So right now I’ll be getting ready to visit the bank and then I’ll be back here when I’ve visited it. I’m expecting about โ‚ฌ150 left on that account but I’m hoping for something better. Some more financial breathing space… Oh please. *fingers crossed* ๐Ÿ™

See you later xxx

Updated 12:00 (PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Meow ๐Ÿ™ I’ll be good though I hope

Ah meow another Tantalus torment moment. ๐Ÿ™ But it might still be okay.

At the bank I was told that they don’t do analog bank transactions without a debit account anymore. So to get the money left on my account I had the options to either cancel my savings account there or open a debit account there as well. There are monthly costs for that new bank account, so I decided to cancel it. The money left on it (about โ‚ฌ120 ๐Ÿ™ ) will be on my account by Friday. A return ticket to Antwerp is about โ‚ฌ100 and I’d like to purchase my ticket like today instead of on the day itself…

So from having the idea I could go there and maybe purchase a bikini for this Summer while I’m there – because it feels like such a waste of time and new terrain to explore to just go there, finish my admission and come back right away – I went to, after seeing a bank statement on the door matte today, just hoping that I could deduct what is left on my account. Now not even that is possible. My ABN savings account will be suspended by July 19th and then it will be transferred to my ING account. If you’d like to make the amount transferred to my ING account more exciting then please do not hesitate. ๐Ÿ™‚

I hope my parents would like to transfer that โ‚ฌ120 to me today – rather more so that I can pay my bills (my phone is โ‚ฌ56 this month meow et cetera) and buy some Summer essentials I mean since they want me to come along with them – so that I can buy my train ticket today.

This is a big motivation for me to work on the D.O.C.I.S. Store today. ๐Ÿ™‚ Meanwhile I also need to have the Dutch version of FangCatje finished for tomorrow, basically… Or at least some oversight so that my psychotherapist knows why I desperately need someone to level with, with some knowledge of the human body and the human mind.

But I want to guarantee my clients the continuous availability of the books I’d like them to read. It would be much better if there were D.O.C.I.S. editions of the public domain works I’d like to redistribute. Meoooow I need a printing press sooo much.

I really wonder what my university adventure will bring me… It would be cool if it will be an asset to my business endeavors. It could, however, also force me to tear everything down and become some 9 – 5 and then watching television all day person. Scared Catje… But I hope for the best. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope I could collaborate with Graeynissis instead of being their subordinate. ๐Ÿ™

Hehe meow my desk chair was a hell for my back so I swapped it with one of my father’s desk chairs from the top floor.

This is soo comfy meoww I could fall asleep on this. Plus it makes me feel like royalty a bit already yays. ๐Ÿ™‚

The Oversight in Thinking Ahead

You’re done thinking ahead when you can simulate the entire happening mentally, including every scenario in which it could go down, and are prepared to intercept anything that could happen within that scenario. (Which is done more thoroughly when you can discuss the scenarios with someone who has a mindset similar to yours.)

Thinking ahead is something I love to do. But, I see now, only when my income is great enough to cover unexpected costs. I’ve been hiding from thinking of other scenarios, lately. (The past 36 months or so…) Now I want to get back on track. I hope to make some further miles today!

Unfortunately my fatigue is acting up again, so I’ll take a short nap. After that I’ll work on FangCatje and the D.O.C.I.S. Store. (I need that income my meowww…) Where my Book Club will be the most important!

See you later xxx

Please don’t forget to subscribe to push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚
All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 16:39 (04:39 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off: A Random Experiment [Saturday, July 13, 2019]

Let’s say you’re jogging, right 😏 , and during that relaxing cardio exercise across beautiful landscapes you want to test how fast you can sprint. To measure your velocity, you have to decide on your start point and end point before you start your experiment.

You can decide to, for example, mark one tree as your beginning point and another as your end point, knowing that the distance between those points is, for example, exactly 100 meters. Then your distance is fixed. A start and end point based on distance. Time is variable in this case. To measure your velocity, you’ll have to measure ( = variable ) the time you take to sprint 100 meters. [And, spoiler, in the other example method the distance is variable and then I make my point, telling you why this title et cetera. Kicking off…]

You can also decide to set a beginning and end time. This can be, for example, 00:00 and 03:34, sprinting to the Summer jam you’ve been listening to all Summer. Exactly one song (which is long for a sprint but again this is just an example). Then your time is fixed. But this can also be during your jogging.
You can also decide to set a random time for yourself, like 1 minute. On your activity tracking app/device/anything, you can, for example haha, be running for 42:33. Still you’ll have to know where you have started from, but your end point is variable. You will initiate your sprint from your randomly chosen starting point and then stop at 43:33 (or the end of your Summer jam) – and if you have a good activity tracker then that will do the rest.
If your activity tracker doesn’t do the magic, you’ll have to measure your steps walking back from your end point to your starting point. [I’m not a physic but I know this is correct and this is bloody original off the top Fangy text yay 😸 . Ask my Graeynissis who are able to see a vision of me in real-time in their minds all day every day.]

In that little jogging experiment, where there are set clear boundaries to measure your own competence. You smoothly transition from relaxation into focus and know when it happens.

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off

My body is aching, my mind is restless and my competence is all over the place. (Moving words like that come out of nowhere and I’m trying to transition you into it but even for that I need a beginning momentum spoiler alert.)

I think it would be easier to get my mission across (not point in this case because my mission consists of pointssssssssssss) if I would in my diary clearer indicate when I transition from relaxation into focus. I don’t think we’ve seen real relaxation in this diary yet ever even and I’ve been doing this for over 500 posts ahahahaha. It would also be better for my mind to use today to absolutely not pressure it with anything. Not even trying to explain anything anymore today (aside from the physics in the introduction and why this title). And this sentence:

So today I will be doing what is utmost relaxing to me (except cooking but gotta survive so meowwww) and tomorrow I will define what my starting point is, acting as if these 500+ posts were jogging and tomorrow I will define the starting point of my sprint.

My mind finds that relaxation is a reward that should be earned after having earned or completed something. But it has been quite some fucking time ago since I’ve earned or completed anything (like a course or show or something) – at least 8 months but finishing an open university course year doesn’t give me a qualification for anything in this world so it’s useless and doesn’t even really count which is why I say “at least” the next big thing is graduating from high school – so my mind hasn’t had a “hard work really pays of, glad to have received this figurative trophy, time to relax, celebrate and be proud of myself” moment for so long that it has been working so hard fiending for a new rush like that. That will be the scope after I’ve been kicking back, today. Kicking back to kick off kicking off.

Kicking back how?

Back is not “Back” because short words are not capitalized in a title, it’s not a noun and I like the word Kicking more than I like the word back.

I have some semi-revealing how I’ll kick back today tweets here and some other cool tweets starting from when I stopped blogging yesterday:

Click on the quoted tweet to see the pictures I posted not long before that, referred to in this tweet.

Sad but true but my mother is still my most irresistible Catje. I’m confused.


Oh pleaseeeee 😻 . Respect for everything I’m certainly not here to disrupt anything literally here just typing asking if saying [please don’t be shocked] DILF is normal? The same goes for Victishe and so on. ๐Ÿ™‚ Plus this ferocious “This is against the rules!” is soo Cuddle meoow be my Graeyniss pleaseeeยฟ 😻

They have been fucked up since Amsterdam in December but still I’m personally too broke for new earplugs. I’m too broke for anything but bills and occasional groceries my meow please help.

Please, give me Life.
โ€œHi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!โ€œ
And keep ad-free because ads are ugly as fuck.

That’s not necessarily part of the relaxation unless – big spoiler alert HAHA – you wanna spark some AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂 . And I’m not talking about fireworks because like you – and your pet – I hate fireworks tooooooo. ๐Ÿ˜€

Excitement yaysss

My only effort on this day of relaxation. Oh and another thing is that I reallyyy can’t cycle without music if there’s the sound of cars and shit conversation around me which is very often here in this area, so that will be headache meows but for the sake of minimizing that I’ll shut off noise cancellation on these half broken earplugs.

Ohne Frambois ik praat Catois noem me Benoรฎt. Ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 😏 #TheFangs

Haha I have. Again here I am giving Camillus unannounced credit. This week I’ve received two Whatsapp marriage proposals to gain Dutch citizenship. (Haha I wonder what Thierryay would say about this.) Both people who asked me to marry them are Nigerian. Camillus is also Nigerian. This is evidence that your country of origin doesn’t say anything about your nature. Yay (for colored people in my eyes but that’s because I’m colored (and only colored “as far as I know”) haha).

I’ll be making videos of me experimenting with this experiment and seeing if I’ll find some relaxation with my unsatisfied mind. My next updates will be videos because I’m tired of typing. My first video will be made after I’ve showered et cetera. Please stay tuned. 😹 ♥

Updated 11:34 (AM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Later meer ben nu in de stad. Dit film ik ook. Ook dat ik niet eens 20 euro kan pinnen man want ik ben KANKER BROKE MAN WAAROM NEGEERT IEDEREEN DAT. Mijn inkomen is โ‚ฌ0,niets is zeker. (lees: “nul komma niets…”)

Inmiddels weer onderweg naar huis. Het geheugen van mijn telefoon is vol zegt het dus ik kan niets meer filmen at the moment. Heb intussen buiten nog wel aardig wat minuten erbij gefilmd maar ik wil ook een beetje zuinig aan doen met mijn 4G.

Updated 17:24 (05:24 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

My Head 😩 [Friday, July 12, 2019]

Good afternoon โ™ฅ
Today’s weather makes me want to cuddle up in bed just like my headache does. Though my headache gets worse when I move, it’s thunderstorms and rain (and hail tooยฟ) coming and going since last night. And from the short time between the lightning flash and the sound of the thunder, it has been very close by. Less than 1 km from here.

I hope you’ve seen my drafting of yesterday evening. ๐Ÿ™‚ And that the refund of my grandmother’s investment in the Aegon Sprintplan is not at all guaranteed yet. My mother showed me the letter the collective that goes about it had sent. (And first investing in something and then when you lose everything saying that it has been a fake promise and ask for all of your money back…? People investing in fake promises still happens daily. They don’t get a refund either. It already sounded very controversial when I sent the letter she wanted me to write on her behalf.


Another reason why it’s much better to replace the current financial system with the Fangyist financial system! You’ll never lose any money because there only D.O.C.I.S. International invests. There’s no investing for individuals there at all! ๐Ÿ˜€ *throws confetti* You can financially gain by doing something that’s good according to Fangyist Law. ๐Ÿ™‚

Bed Petting Festival + A Fangy Stubborn Flashback

It’s the first day of the North Sea Jazz festival today. As usual my family will be attending. Except me this time. Though I’m not going to the edition in Rotterdam, I might go to the one in Curaรงao because it was included in my mother’s bribery for me to not have my sister be the only young person there. Both my plane tickets and festival tickets are paid for.

Ticket sales for the festival in Rotterdam started months ago. This was around the time where I tried to forever vanish from this country after a fight, starting in my journey in Wiesbaden and heading to Berlin for my birthday (November 1st my god my heart still hurts from this aawful treatment), but I ran out of money again. I empathically couldn’t block their phone numbers, so my mother who had been asking me to come home for quite some time then made an offer to get me a rental car to drive home. Back home, my father complained about how my vanishing has brought them unnecessary costs.

What the fuck. If he would have stopped insulting me for no reason, we wouldn’t have gotten into a fight and I wouldn’t have gone abroad to vanish and escape him. For we’re still house mates. If he wouldn’t insult me for no reason, I wouldn’t even have this anti-social blog. I actually like social interaction, but here it doesn’t show, because of my selectiveness and lack of opportunity.

From then I didn’t want them to pay for any of my things at all anymore. I’ll climb up the social ladder financially (haha get it ughhh), and I will do that all on my own (starting in Antwerp thus…). So when he offered to buy me a three-day ticket to the North Sea Jazz Festival, I said “No thank you.”

Another reason why I’d rather not attend is because I’d rather stand in front of a crowd or in a secluded section of a crowd than in the middle of it. (My father can choose but he prefers cheaper.) I’m sick and tired of people asking my attention for their boring stories and asking my number and my intimacy without asking me if I even have the slightest interest in that.

And it’s the most awful thing where people can easily walk past me in a crowd, but they still decide to touch, hurt or even grab me. It’s fucking disgusting. Especially now that my blog has grown so much, I don’t want to be a familiar face who still is no one for standing in that big crowd like just another number.

Plus hearing the conversations that go on in that crowd disgust me. Most people don’t understand shit about music, yet still they have an opinion about it. If I’d turn my knowledge about music into a project I’d really be proud of, I wouldn’t have any tolerance for the judgment of someone who doesn’t understand it, but still gets his/her arrogance from “I pay for your music.”

I would have loved to see Josรฉ James and The Internet today, and discover new music or learn the name and face to more popular music by other artists. But I only want to attend any music event if I either can afford the ticket myself and be in a secluded area, or because I’ve organized the event myself and I’ll be performing there somewhere in between other performances.


I have no idea what my day will be like. Aside from being home all day and my dinner being paid for (something I couldn’t accept in the beginning). I’ll be drafting some with pen and paper and drink a lot of water. Mweh another day or non-challenging boredom.

For real challenging, I need someone else. But someone else who’s at least just as intelligent as I am. And someone who dares to give me some real responsibility. Fuck what people will say about me not being educated enough for whatever. Nonsense.

Oh last night during the thunderstorm, after seeing this tweet

I thought of the following statement: “A gifted person never genuinely enjoys spending time with someone who is not gifted.”

What do you think of this? I think it’s very true.

I feel that the ungifted even know this fact. [If you knew how far too often I’ve heard “You think I’m dumb, don’t you?” “You think I’m untalented, don’t you?” and only replied with “Oh noo you’re very smart and talented,” because I don’t like being hurtful (without anyone backing me up) oh my goddd. 😩 It would be such a relief to say “YES! YES! YES!” but then why would I ever spend time with that person again get it. It’s irrefutable relationship damage answering “Yes,” to a question like that.] So they claim us and make sure we’ll never meet because they know we’ll enjoy spending time with each other so much that we’ll never see them again.

I grind my teeth spending time with someone who doesn’t reason on my level. This must be one of the reasons why I feel so much stress from tactically staying polite all the time. Another Tantalus torment.

But my Book Club will be amazing. 😻

Meoww “breakfast” time.

How do you find my method for making my diary more real-time?

Updated 14:23 (02:23 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


I absolutely love that my push notifications are working now! 😻

Catje 😻

It feels very comforting to know that my updates go straight to your screen now. ๐Ÿ˜€ Even when I update a post that has already been uploaded, you’ll know! ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve been checking out PM Rutte his press conference earlier. (Thought of making that a notification as well but it was on too short notice my meoww I was still making my first meal of the day.)

Summarization of tweets:

I watched the conference in couch cat mode. &#x!F60F; 😸

I don’t really have public meows. Behind the scenes there are annoying people accessing me. I kind of worry about moving to Antwerp all by myself when it comes to that.

He was asked something about measures against drug use on the many festivals in this country and if he will be attending any festivals in this country this Summer. I won’t, by the way. Not one.

Something about Turkey buying Russian weapons or the other way around or something, because the country wanted to buy Western (I’m referring to euphemized democracies when I say “Western”) weapons but was prohibited from doing that and when when it purchased non-Western weapons Western countries started to say shit but then they just shouldn’t have been prohibiting the purchase in the beginning. Helaas pindakaas.

He curved those journalists very well. I can better relate to the philosophy of the right, but still think he’s doing well in his philosophy of making changes. Honestly I don’t see most people in power having any other better successor but I and I will elaborate on this in a few.

The entire conference was basically him being asked the prospects of things that still need to be discussed before there’s anything to announce. And then he gets the reply: “So you have nothing to say about this?” to basically every answer. And then in the comment section everyone calls him a liar. And that has been happening at least all year round…

He said something about that there has been good progress made this year, but that some want even more change and some prefer less, so that the change was mild. I strive towards a legal revolution my meowww.

An awful truth. Powerless Fangs. ๐Ÿ™ [Not that literally all regular citizens should get more power ahaha nahhh they’re influenced far too easily.]

He was asked something about the presidential system and he said that he dreams of a system like that in the Netherlands. Ahahaha imagine him with a dreamy comic cloud next to him in which he’s thinking of him being the president in a presidential system ahahahahaha it’s a cool sight. We should make a video sketch of that ahahah. (I have soo many ideas for things like that my meoww. With many educative messages.)

What do you think of The Fangs being a Fangs with absolute power?

Meoww press conferences are one of the few challenging types of content that are entertaining to me. For me they don’t happen often enough. 😸 But the Summer still has a lot to offer. Especially because all formalities are having their holidays. ๐Ÿ˜€ Free terrain for me yaysss.

My head is still achy. Especially after a typing session like this one. So again I’m going to take a little break from typing and screen gazing now. Also I’m home alone and my sushi just got delivered so some dinner yays I’ll share with you later. Before I go, there is one more image I want to share with you. Last night I decided to sleep in my parents’ bed because they were sleeping on the couch, watching Stranger Things with good audio. I’ve noticed it before, but was now gazing at this book in my mother’s book case, thinking of “If I wouldn’t have silenced them, all of this wouldn’t have happened and this book wouldn’t have been bought.”

It really sucks to be “the gifted schizophrenic child”

Beause I’m not a fucking schizophrenic oh my goddd. 😩 And if everything in that book were really true and results from statistical sampling can be considered facts then everyone might as well be a schizophrenic. Such nonsense.

I’ll be eating these dinner yays meoww but know that erwtensoep, Kartoffelsuppe, grietbana bravoe or any other type of gaining strength soup is very welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 20:27 (08:27 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


My dinner yays. Not an ad but just yay because I feel overheated from lack of oxygen and now I have this fan thingy with which I can create an oxygen illusion, calming down my brain a bit.

I’m eating soy beans now, as I’m writing this:

another mirror pic

A pre-dinner Fangs spotted. Took this right after my previous update.

In the background of the picture you can see where I’ve installed myself. My laptop is on my mother’s side of the bed. And the room where the daylight comes from, is my bedroom. That’s how close I sleep to my parents. I really appreciate that they have been doing their midnight binge-watching followed by falling asleep with the TV on downstairs lately, because any sound or light can be an annoying stimulus to me, keeping me awake at night.

I genuinely think that my parents would do better with the general public than I would, because they, in contrast to me – especially my father – love(s) watching Netflix and other popular things. (One of the reasons – another Tantalus torment moment – my friends were very jealous of me having the parents that I have and expressed that very frequently. I don’t want people to be jealous of me man please.)

~Transition sentence.~ (Hahahahaha 😹 )

The Last Summer

Have you heard the new Summer jam that was released today?

I’m under the impression that I’m not the only one who sees the patterns in everything that has been happening in the eras this world has known. It has been the cause of the routine we live. Currently, it says: “Relax. Don’t bother yourself with all of that work. Take some time off. “Have some fun.” You deserve it.” Summer is here so the world “spins” differently. Like the Winter (but moreยฟ), it’s a period of very high consumption and pollution.

Some people can enjoy the Summer season and some people can’t. Some people can’t take a minute all-year-round because of their occupation. Some people have a busier work schedule than usual during that season. (Think of artists performing at Summer festivals, people working in tourism, people working in travel insurance (Victishe 😻 ) and so on.)

I vote for a more fair enjoyment of time for all. In a realistic sense, what do you really want to be doing?

I want to see a shift. In this society, maintaining a bad relationship is considered more normal than exploring and finding yourself. We should cause an international Volta: only surround yourself with the people you will never fight with. We make pairs that will probably be based on vision, intelligence and characteristic nature. We should redivide and redistribute the land in the world over these pairs and will live peacefully in that way. This is something that has to be pushed trough now that the current Graeynissis are still the ruling Graeynissis.

Because my and younger generations know even less about real life than the current people averagely aged 30-50 do now. People only know ghost stories about business and political diplomacy. We should make this shift (way) before you have to give your power to someone else, because they really won’t know what to do but fill their pockets. People don’t learn to have vision in school.

Do you not like the words of your own leader? Go be leaders with your friends somewhere on a piece of land that is not under the authority of your leader. Do you not like this Summer hit? Cool. Planet Fang’s music is an export product you most certainly do not have to buy. Make your own music. (And I would really love to make a Summer jam that doesn’t make me sad.) There will be completely new partnerships. ๐Ÿ˜€

Please I really don’t want to see another commercialized Summer routine where people act like peacocks showing themselves from their best sides just for admiration. Be the real valuable you. Let’s make a change, please, and let this be the last “Summer” in the commercialized way we know it now.

I would love to be more elaborate on this but I still feel terrible. (But less terrible than when this day started so yay.) And I’ve been multitasking.

He used this word referring to America before he became president.

Planet Fang ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m off to spending time in the darkness now. In a noiseless house because my parents are still enjoying the festival. I’ve seen some videos of it already. ๐Ÿ™‚

Good night ♥

Updated 23:57 (11:57 PM)ย [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]


The featured image is made by Juan Pablo Arenas.

Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Sick Catje 😔 [Thursday, July 11, 2019]

10:53 (AM)ย 

Good morning โ™ฅ

I hope you’re feeling better than I do. Physically, I feel worse than yesterday. My pains are more serious. Mentally, I have a lot more on my mind than yesterday.

The topics alternately occupying my mind are:

  • Will people become part of my book club? I really hope so because I have such cool ideas for it and it would be the perfect side job! And I need to exceed the costs of having the store because otherwise it will be a headache instead of an asset. I hope I’ll be in good health in time, because I’ve set the deadline of it in 9 days.
  • Will the share my grandmother will give me be enough to have some financial breathing space? Once I get my study financing, my budget for rent will be about โ‚ฌ450 for a studio apartment [ ๐Ÿ™ ]. If my grandmother gives me an amount that leaves me enough to pay for my course books after I’ve paid all of my bills and debts, I – aside from living in a busy area where I don’t know anyone – won’t have anything to worry about. I wonder when she’ll receive it… To save costs, it’s much better for me to start renting from September 1st (when my parents are on a holiday together and my sister’s school resumes and then I’ll be movingยฟ x_x ) instead of October 1st.
  • I really hope that I can make the concept of my book club attractive enough for the intelligent (and experienced) Graeynissis I’ll need in the future. Plus I hope they’ll donate to me and give me even more breathing space…
  • Honestly I still really hope to receive a Fangs-specialized study program where I’m encouraged to write papers about multiple fields of science in which any Graeyniss is dealing with an issue my vision could be an asset to. Getting my bachelor’s at age 26 is so old that I hope I can speed up the process by being allowed to do this… I’ve used my former years to set out this concept for a revolution and hope it will come in handy. Especially for “alpha sciences”. For “beta sciences” I really need teaching but for alpha’s honestly I really don’t. (It’s just being able to reproduce the things that are considerd facts, discovered by big names (from the West)…) The book club could be a great asset to this. Meowww I don’t want to reveal too much about the concept yet though…

Meow it’s fluid breakfast timeee. I’ll see you later because by means of being productive I’ll draft the texts for the store and FangCatje here. โ™ฅ


16:21 (04:21 PM)ย 

My meowsss โ™ฅ

I feel the continuous sound of my fan, the crampedness of my bedroom and general Dutch air quality fuel the headache of my fever. I’ve always found it annoying, but because my brain is in more pain than usual now, everything is more disturbing than usual now.

Everything except my curiosity for this:

I need any type of shift in the overrated social media hype myself. I’ll be on it. 😸 (&Nooo indeeed no one should ever call any president “meow”. No one but me. 😸 )

Request for “Life” 😂

Ahaha in my “things I do when I grab my phone” routine of checking my web stats and checking the balance of my main bank account, I randomly decided to click on the “request” button, next to the by young me awfully frequently clicked “transfer” button.

I randomly typed in the maximum amount of โ‚ฌ1000. The follow up question was: “What is the โ‚ฌ1000 for?” And I typed “Life”. 😂

Now I have a random payment request you can adjust and transfer if you’re at a Dutch bank.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

I’m certain that if enough people engage in this, I’ll never feel sick again. 😸 (Or at least I could have a say in how I’ll be treated, in contrast to what you have to endure if you, like me, have the cheapest health care subscription package. When I get study financing I’ll already “expand” my subscription…)

Haha meow I made the request jokingly, but I honestly hope anyone would give me some Life. I’ll give you something in return for it for sure. ๐Ÿ™‚ And if enough people do it then maybe future Book Club meetings could be in/next to my future house, on the estate called Planet Fang. 😻 A compound in Belgium would be nice, as well as in other countries. ๐Ÿ˜€

My body is acting up again. I’m going to still my hunger and then take a nap. After that I’m just going to start drafting – something that has more impact on my brain because that is really mijn hersenen kraken. I’ll keep pushing the D.O.C.I.S. until it unfolds.

I’ll see you (here) tonight xxx


19:52 (07:52 PM)ย 

Before I start, I would like to log some interesting Twitter activity here.

It’s part of my revolution yayss. Know that online identities have no meaning. Only real life identities do.

[More untranslated Dutch coming up in my drafting meow for the sake of minimizing pressure on my brain… 😣 ]

I need some fellow Fangyists… My development is stagnating. ๐Ÿ™

The help I need is so yusu (as in seriusu) meow I’m a minority in the minority of minorities in a country where discrimination is an everyday thing I’ve seen far too frequently.

“Against fraud and corruption” would have made sense. But “against the economy” ahahahaha help this is the level of the average Dutch person &#x1F602 . (No joke only about 6% of Dutch people has finished the highest type of secondary education like me. [It’s LWOO -> VMBO-B -> VMBO-K -> VMBO-T -> HAVO -> VWO -> VWO+ -> Gymnasium (which in this case has nothing to do with exercise ughhh)])

For the sake of doing something useful, I’m now going to draft some book and website texts. Reminder-to-self that I need to change the logo of the D.O.C.I.S. Store to something without an image and make a separate logo for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club. I really love this book club so much already my meoww. I hope you’re willing to pay the contribution I need for your set of books and gifts every quarter, plus renting a book club meeting venue.

I’m starting with FangCatje though, because that had to have been finished (haha trippy tenses) already… I think I’ll publish it under “Dominique Daniรซlle Elia” instead of “Lil Fangs”.

FangCatje Draft

Het leven voelt voor mij van jongs af aan (“al”) als de Tantaluskwelling. Absoluut niet omdat mijn gedrag vergelijkbaar is met wat voor Tantalus de aanleiding voor zijn straf was. Integendeel: mijn hart kan zijn soort immorele daden (zoals zijn zoon aan de goden voeren om te kijken of het wel echte goden zijn) niet verdragen.

Toch ervaar ik een soortgelijk lijden. In zijn straf zijn al zijn behoeften en lusten een kwelling. (De Tantaluskwelling is een Griekse mythe.) Bijvoorbeeld dat hij in een poel met water moest staan, maar dat het water naar beneden golfde wanneer hij eruit probeerde te drinken, waardoor hij leed aan dorst.

Een voorbeeld hiervan, in mijn context, is dat er toen ik 6 was eindelijk een officiรซle verklaring was voor mijn “anders zijn” en waarom ik me zo ontzettend verveelde op school. Namelijk mijn hoogbegaafdheid. Maar in plaats van het enthousiasme (van leraren) dat ik hoopte te zien en de uitdagingen die ik hoopte te krijgen, werd ik nog meer als (nu niet alleen meer zwart maar ook nog eens veeleisend) vuil gezien en behandeld, en uit men zijn/haar jaloezie over mijn officieel bevestigde intelligentie (en ontwikkelende fysieke schoonheid) op de meest hartverscheurende manieren.

Toen ik, bijvoorbeeld, aan mijn juf vroeg of ik een nieuw boekje mocht, omdat ik het boekje met “uitdagende” taal- en rekenopdrachten voor de hele week dezelfde dag al had uitgewerkt, zei ze: “Ga eerst maar alles inkleuren.” Op iedere pagina stond wel een afbeelding. Ik had juist meer cognitieve uitdaging nodig, in plaats van meer kleutervermaak.

“Waarom ik?” is iets wat ik altijd al heb gedacht. (Misschien omdat echt niemand anders het kan doen…? Ik wou (met de nadruk op verleden tijd, nu ik ouder ben en weet hoe de wereld in elkaar zit) dat we allemaal hoogbegaafd zijn.)

Een ander voorbeeld van mijn Tantaluskwelling is het nieuws dat ik letterlijk net kreeg. Het leek even alsof ik het leven niet meer als een kwelling zal ervaren. Gisteren hoorde ik van mijn moeder dat mijn oma bericht had gekregen, dat ze 85% van haar inleg in het Aegon Sprintplan zal terugkrijgen en dat ik, omdat ik haar ongeveer een jaar geleden had geholpen met het maken van die claim, een aandeel daarvan zou krijgen. Al sinds mijn 17de zit ik financieel aan de grond, dus het voelde alsof het licht aan het eind van de tunnel eindelijk in zicht was.

Maar daarnet kwam ze naar me toe om te vertellen dat degene die voor mijn oma de brief had geรฏnterpreteerd, dit verkeerd heeft gedaan. Het was niet eens een brief van Aegon maar een brief van het collectief dat de zaak aanvecht. Dat als je als lid een aanvulling op je gegevens opstuurt, je 85% terug kan krijgen in plaats van 80%. Het is nu nog steeds absoluut niet zeker of ze ooit haar geld terug zal krijgen. Die brief die ik voor haar naar Aegon had gestuurd is al meer dan een jaar oud en er zit nog steeds absoluut geen vaart in de zaak.

Het leek even alsof ik “zorgenloos” op kamers kon gaan (wat ik eigenlijk niet eens wil, want ik heb liever leefruimte), ik kon beginnen met kleine schulden afbetalen en zelfs zou kunnen beginnen met het opbouwen van een spaarpotje. Maar ik ben weer terug bij af.

Mijn online dagboek op staat verder vol met Tantaluskwellingsmomenten die vaak onverwachts komen en ik in real-time (“rond het tijdstip dat het in het werkelijk leven gebeurt”) deel, hopend dat ik de Volta waarin mijn kwelling voorbij is ook in real-time zal delen.

Toen ik in de nacht van 27 mei op 28 mei in het crisiscentrum werd opgenomen,

The D.O.C.I.S. Store Draft

I’m going to stop drafting for now, my meow. It’s almost past twelve. And the text above here was the greatest spoiler ever because – aside from typos and/or grammar mistakes I might have missed out on but will correct when I re-type it for the definitive version – I’m going to use exactly that text.

During dinner, there was some (biased) documentary about the Middle-East on. I was familiar with his last name and that (by false media caused) association with political turbulence. But in the documentary they referred to him by his first name. After I saw him give a speech next to Tony Blair [also handsome], I asked: “Who is this (Catje)?” 😻 Bashar Al Assad. Then a debate about how colored western media are, how almost every Arabic leader is seen as a tyrant who wishes to destroy everything and everyone because of this, how the differences between [excusez moi I only know it in Dutch-ish and am too tired to translate it now] Sjiieten, Soennieten, Alevieten and other movements within the Islam cause enough local turbulence already for having to explain that to the West on top of all of the other chaos, how I think he really might not have assassinated an influential in Lebanon, America’s reasons for international involvement, et cetera unfolded for a decent while. I was very alone in my view again. But now I’m even more interested in a D.O.C.I.S. Compound – where you can be yourself – in Syria. 😻 I’m seriously interested in having tea with him. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just when I wanted to continue drafting after dinner, my mother told me that my grandmother was misinformed about the refund of her investment in the Aegon Sprintplan. ๐Ÿ™ Now it’s certain that that won’t give me financial breathing space.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, Iโ€™ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!

Good night ♥


Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Reflections

Potato Montage [Sunday, July 7, 2019]

02:54 (AM)ย 

That Type of Montage Where you see a Protagonist with a big Stack of Books Processing Everything to get Something big Done with “Intense” Sounding Background Music

Hey my Catje โ™ฅ

I hope that not seeing you today doesn’t mean that you’re not real.* I hope that people keeping up with my blogging, who actually can relate to this and also want to be open about this really exist. (Please I really don’t want another crisis center hell.) But yesterday was a reminder that I shouldn’t assume that anyone will ever take any work out of my hands.

Please don’t get me wrong. The people in my circle always come off as very happy and nice people. I know you’re wise enough to formulate your own opinion and won’t let my opinion influence you if you ever were to spend time with them.

I’m just an outcast. It hurts too much to see reality confirm that every time. We’re very different people, my circle and I. I’ve been laughing about their jokes for decades. I even know the algorithm so well that, in the past, I’ve been making the same type of jokes. But my actual sense of humor is never understood. It’s as if we don’t even speak the same language.

It’s no use trying to explain this. I have no intentions of harming their online or offline identity. All I want to do is – for the sake of my mental health – cause an irreversible break-up. In more than 500 posts I’ve been trying to tell you why, but I see I just can’t make you feel what I feel, if it’s still not clear. When I move to Antwerp, no one will know my address. That’s the type of distance I aspire to create.

My mind is somewhere much further in the distance. This distance becomes larger every single day. Small talk becomes a greater disturbance for me every day. I seek people with whom I can, for example, discuss my selection of books. And then discuss it with self-formulated arguments and not “all those books are bad”, without having read them. Let’s cuddle and read or something…

*Maybe you’re in the same outcast position and know how not easy it is to speak up without consequences. I’m using this silent but loud escape tactic to pave the way for those who are in the same situation as I.

I just want to reform the system and want people to know who I really am. Meanwhile I need to get by. So that’s why I’m working on FangCatje, to clear my name and maybe earn a little. Then I have the book store to hopefully earn enough in combination with study financing. (Ugh why do people keep telling me to get a job it’s such an insult to me.) And then I’ll start being a regular student and hope someone powerful and influential notices me at some point, so that I can become Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs and make the world a better place with my global reform strategies.

In that way, I can do this all by myself as far as this can be done by one person alone. But the road is long and dreadful though and I actually don’t want to do it because I spend far too much time behind a screen meow that’s so awful. As long as none of my “fans” – if they exist –ย  offers me practical support, I have no other choice but to do this to get there.

Those are my pre-bed thoughts.

Good night ♥


12:21 (PM)ย 

Another Attempt to Make Myself Clear

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

I’m still in bed. This is where I strategize most often.

Last night, I mentioned my aspiration to vanish in such a way that I move somewhere else without anyone knowing my new address. This is what I tried in 2017 (but then as a homeless person instead of even having a roof above my head), not thinking of being reported missing because I was already trying to get settled in to my new life.

I find it hard to express this wish of mine to my circle, because I love them and we have an extremely long history together. I also don’t want everyone to think that they’re the cause of me wanting to leave not only this circle but also leave this country forever. It’s just a good 75% of people who makes me want to do that. Haha. Those with the toxic personalities. Not the silent outcasts, but the narcissists who are like bloodsuckers for attention. They have already drained all of my energy energy draining type of vampires. I don’t want to endure that anymore. For my birthday I want distance. A new life. (And if they’ll, as they say, “miss me that much” they can just read my blog but they hate my blog so therefore they hate me and therefore why the fuck are they still in my life.)

I find it hard to express my wish to leave this life behind me to their faces. It really feels similar to a break-up. But to my parents I’ve mentioned this wish repeatedly and they always tell me “That’s not gonna happen.” If you’d have invested in me I could have hired you a maid to change your diapers. But now I’ll need everything to pay off my student debt. It’s gonna happen for sure even if it’s the last thing I do.

I hope that the spontaneous “surprise” hired barbecue catering yesterday confirms for you too that the financial struggle I (not my family but I alone) have been living through is completely unnecessary. The stress that comes with an income below the minimum income is not healthy and to then also have 75% personalities I find toxic in my life is really not healthy. It has been feeding my death wish in the last 12 years. It’s like there’s no way to escape them.

When I say that I strive towards distance when I move out, I don’t mean moving a few blocks away and celebrating the holidays together. I mean that for your funeral I’ll send a bunch of flowers and that’s it. Distance. Never again will I feel that feeling of pain in my chest their offensive words cause and no more toxic memories will be added to the many toxic memories that replay in my head over and over.

My current issue with creating this distance is that I’ll have to rent a moving van to transfer all of my belongings from Capelle to Antwerp, but will they let me do this and will they leave me alone and not report me missing again… Why do they make it so hard for me to move on. 😢

I want more time to work on FangCatje. I’m also having second thoughts about therapy in general again. Because this far every therapist has been forcing me to not only keep in touch with my circle but “improve my relationship” with my circle. I can’t hear something like that EVER AGAIN. THERE IS FUCKING NOTHING TO IMPROVE. WE ARE OPPOSITES. IMPROVEMENT IS WHERE I FIND LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IN A COMPLETELY NEW LIFE DAMMITTTTT HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO BE OBVIOUS!??!!!?!


Oh and I have something important to say about “black people-ism”: Once my parents from my grandparents took over raising me, I’ve been hearing the words “koelie, bokoe, boeroe, ptata,” et cetera like they were normal things to say. I apologize for that person I’ve been when I was younger. I learnt this type of empathy when I was years older. Though in my environment people still treat each other like stereotypes – AND I HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING – I now don’t go along in a conversation like that anymore if it goes that way. An example of fucking annoying stereotyping like that is saying “Dutch/white people/ptatas only eat tasteless food in portions that are too small.” I’ve been hearing shit like that from birth and have been saying it myself because I believed my family was teaching me facts. But they’ve been teaching me bullshit.

I now see that Dutch economic food portions come from both their heritage (e.g. the scarcity of the hongerwinter and elements of that kitchen still prevalent today) and that they have to watch their emission because if we don’t live parsimonious the dykes will flood. (Something most Surinamese people don’t give a fuck about. I don’t give a fuck, too, but that’s just because I look forward to building something better.) Not all Dutch people only eat unseasoned potatoes and such and eat portions that are measured, for example, exactly how many potatoes per person. I love the serious side of this conversation and love to empathize with you (because I find the Dutch (or caucasian or general) search for an identity so sexy because they associate their identity with the big names in human history and then feel like shit let me give you some kisses meow you need to seek your identity only within yourself which is the easiest when you talk to me meow skip whatever the fuck some historic figure did). But simultaneously caucasians assuming that colored people have nothing to offer is heartbreaking and makes me want to murder whoever says something like that.

Some people I can sympathize with and want to improve their lives, some people I hate and want dead. It has nothing to do with where you are from or how many diplomas you have. Like my father says “Er zijn Marokkanen en er zijn geitenneukers,” [ = “There are Moroccans and there are goat fuckers.” Saying some are civilized and some are barbarians] I find that there are Surinamers and monkeys. And that there are Dutch people and FUCKING IGNORANT RACIST AARGH NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I ACTUALLY FUCKING HATE THEM.

My circle is 75% fucking monkeys. The post Surinamese slavery monkeys who stuff themselves because they think it’s their culture, not knowing what influence it has on their health and still associating their eating behavior with some type of fucking absurd (food culture) superiority.
[Trippy sentences and I didn’t explain the words in between apostrophes (like koelie) but I hope the rest of the paragraph has made it clear to you.]

I noticed some of the insecurity that this widespread sense of Surinamese/black (food culture) superiority has caused very clearly yesterday, when I was having a conversation with some Dutch friends of my mother. To them I mentioned how much I’ve repeatedly been told that my parents loved salmon they prepared in their smoke oven, that one day when I decided to not accompany them to their friends, that my father’s birthday present was a smoke oven. They were surprised to hear that they loved it so much. Then I heard the back story of how they ended up preparing that salmon and heard the insecurity about what to prepare that my parents would enjoy. They thought that they don’t eat potatoes. (Only boiled unspiced potatoes are not often appreciated, but that has nothing to do with ethnicity. Stamppot or grilled potatoes with skin seasoned with rosemary and sea salt et cetera is something some Surinamese people, due to the history that intertwines with Dutch history, eat too. (Yes unfortunately those who refuse to eat “white people food” exist as well.))

Meanwhile I’ll feel the need to rip the person’s head off when someone tells me “Your favorite food must be chicken.” And if you think that I’m some uneducated monkey who casts spells and doesn’t know how to use a fork YOU WILL FUCKING DIE VERY FUCKING SOON.

So do not think I’m another stereotypical black person who thinks black people are superior, because then you might get fanged by me. I’m dealing with the very difficult cultural related position I’m in, because of the monkeys I’m sharing my culture with. Monkeys ruin it for non-barbarian colored people. I’m The Fangs with a very complex outlook on life because I can oversee everything from the perspective of empathy. (And I’m out for blood yay. ๐Ÿ˜€ )

Meoww I need so much more time to work on FangCatje if I want it to be something to be proud of. ๐Ÿ™

By the way I think that with my writing I’m actually directly transferring my exact feelings to you and these feelings need to become happy feelings because my feelings of pain are unbearable. You can feel it? Meow please give me a reason to write happy things because my pain suuucks and I assume that we both want to feel good.

I have so much to say still meoww but typing is so time consuming and I still have no staff feeding me and stuff so that I can focus on what’s important so mweh I’m going to eat – against the principles of eating safe but from the options I have here still the most safe – left-overs. I’m saving up on interpunction to get information to you faster which is working yay. But where are my kisses meow don’t leave me alone to die alone if you’re sexy please. 😢


17:09 (05:09 PM)ย 

Ragdoll Mode

Meow I’ve been making time to work on FangCatje, but I feel that my body wants mental rest. The problem is that the real mental rest comes when I’ve permanently distanced myself from the toxic relationships in my life. That is costly because maintaining my life abroad while being a student is costly.

This issue kind of makes me want to lay in bed without moving forever. Entering ragdoll mode. But that won’t make me Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs.

Meow I should be refreshing my knowledge of mathematics though. But I need this online bookstore because it could be the side-income I’ll need very much, to get by. I wish someone would help me. ๐Ÿ™


Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections

Conscious [Tuesday, July 2, 2019]

12:31 (PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

My morning was great. After waking up, I flipped myself over back to sleep a few times. I love a bed in which I can roll around like a sea star. 😻 My aunt’s bed is of a size like that.

I woke up less stressed than I woke up yesterday and yesterday I woke up less stressed than the day before. Finally, a permanent decline is in sight. Once I have my own apartment in Antwerp, I know I will feel more safe than ever.

pizza and tea

And my breakfast is great ๐Ÿ™‚


“Those people are much more conscious than you,” is what my father said in the same discussion where he said that I shouldn’t study (abroad). This took place before we went to that surprise party I did keep a secret. He replied that when I said that I believe that consciousness is based on levels of intelligence, and that the empty routines of people living the same routine every single week should seize to exist, because resources are wasted but there is nothing added to the societal quality of life. (Those sentimental “My life is shit but it’s great,” things really have to stop. It’s fucking torture x_x.) To me, a life has meaning if its deeds can take it to a history book. That is what I strive towards. [My conscience was insulted once again.]

No one is more conscious than I am. Look at my conscience. Look at what I have been telling you. [This is all still a conscious stratagem. (Do you notice the reiteration of that statement?)]

By selecting a university just across the Dutch border, I hope that you see a physical confirmation of my verbal message. The decisions I make rarely seem logical to someone else, but I know they are the best decisions I can make. Every single time. From playing hints in a police interrogation to not studying at a top-ranked university: it will get me where I want to be. [I will get the acknowledgement of my intelligence and receive the right to spend time with my fellow deeds-so-great-it-is-history-in-the-making Graeynissis.]

It is important that I do not accept any physical and monetary gifts from my parents anymore. That will make it a lot easier for me to say goodbye forever. I already have a student debt of almost โ‚ฌ14,000 for no reason. If I’d have conscious and genuinely supportive parents, I wouldn’t have to lend taxpayer money from the government. But since these parents love to see me bleed, it is important that they watch how I drag my bleeding self right across the border and they can’t do anything about it. (Oh except try to get me imprisoned for what I’ve been writing but then their problem is that this writing is my defense at the same time.) I’m so done of being emotionally torn down by these narcissists (that group is far larger than my parents only) and I wish Summer was over already. Plus – very important – I do not want my future to be funded with sourly spent fraud money.

Life is already not an every-week-is-exactly-the-same experience for many, but once I get my power – using mathematics and data – nothing will be the same at all, in a generally positive sense.

I’m the pawn of pawns, my pawn.

I’ll elaborate further on this, my yays et cetera, in a set of questions and answers, after my shower. Tot later xxxxx


15:00 (03:00 PM)


The question will be posed in this “full negative bias but acting innocent” way that is often used in mass media.

Why go to Belgium and study in Dutch if you speak English in almost all of your works?
Belgium is where the beating heart of the European Union lies, so it’s a great place to start off my career. I wouldn’t mind living in a deserted cottage somewhere in the Ardennen for a while.
Studying in Dutch is a lot easier for me, because it’s my native language and I have been taught the basics of mathematics in Dutch. It’s also a good way to not forget my native language. I use English more often than Dutch, because the only place where I elaborately express myself has been here on and I see that it is influencing my Dutch syntax.
I hope to, in the future, and in my future works – including more mathematics yay ๐Ÿ˜€ – publish in more than one language more often.
Plus sexy Belgian accents 😻 .

Scusami I’m going to go to the store for a sec. At home already, all of my panties have disappeared and now I really need new onessss.


19:42 (07:42 PM)

I’m backkk. I proposed to cook for my aunt and I, because there’s this combination of flavors that has been on my mind for a while and I really wanted to try it out. It became of the best meals I’ve ever prepared 😻 .

brown rice [made yellow by koenjit, sereh, santen, some salt and a lime leaf], cod fish [first grilled and then cooked in a sauce of creme fraรฎche, baharat, saffron, lime and honey] and some spinach also cooked in baharat and honey. I can’t stop eating 😻 .

Anywayy back to these questions. I’m sitting on my aunt’s balcony writing this now ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Why are you going back to college if you’ve been saying that you hate to study?
Because I’ve noticed that without a degree I can’t get what I want. People still think that I’m dumb… I find making tests a slow and ineffective way to learn for practice, but it’s what everyone does and experience has now taught me that there is no other way to gain information and receive acknowledgement for knowing it and having that capacity to learn. I still want to earn big money (making sure that I’ll never have to request support of family ever again) and I guess I should just work towards that in a more traditional way.

Why are you saying that you are going to move to Antwerp if you’ve literally said: “Ik zie mezelf niet “Welkom in mijn kot” zeggen”?
“Kot” is a (Flemish or at least southern Dutch) word for student house or house for non-lifetime settlement. I saw the word for the first time on the website of the university. To me, it sounded like “krot”, which means ugly house. But I’ve been checking out what koten are available in and near Antwerp, and they’re not bad at all. Much and much cheaper than in the Netherlands, also. If I wait about two months into the curriculum [fucking long still but it’s the only way ehh 😩 ], so until around November, I have enough for the down payment and fi-nal-ly move out and move on.

What will you do with your degree in mathematics?
Study forever, until I’m ProfFangs and I can be the go-to private Catje of all these Graeynissis and teach, as well as tell people cool stuff about the revolutionary things I’m adding to the subject of mathematics, introducing Fangyism ๐Ÿ˜€ .
I really want to do things with big data, self-constructed algorithms, finance and revolutionizing the routine of life on a large scale. ProfFangs ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Why not Delft?
Because then I’ll have no incentive to move out and I’ll have to wait until September 2020. And I really want to start my international experience of life as soon as possible, leaving my “home country” that sees me as a foreign alien anyway.

Why would I trust your words?
If you’re in doubt and you prefer to not trust me, don’t bother to try to trust my words. I just want my truth to be out there for those who do trust me, so that they won’t be left in the dark once they pick my side. In the future, I’ll have my own land, but space is limited (I want it to be the country with the greatest amount of living space per citizen), so it won’t be available to the entire world population, and thus I will have to select who I allow in. There will be no room for snakes there, so really: if you don’t trust me then keep on not trusting me. (Grrrrrr……)

To me, it seems like the internet has two types of people: people accusing and people defending themselves. The people accusing are often empty shells who have nothing to offer, so they want to be known as a sort of “resistance participant”. Know that the group of people accusing are always far greater than those who defend.

The people defending themselves often have big plans for the world, but evil propagandists keep putting dirt on their names. Real change – which requires knowledge of the system to understand, but not everyone is capable of learning so you know that big cleanup process of overpopulation will be inevitable at some point yes I wish it were different too – is being prohibited by those who put dirt on their names but never go in to what the defendants actually stand for. It’s all just a bombardment of gossip these people have to endure, indirectly deciding what their topics are. Examples of people in a situation like this are president Trump and Thierry Baudet. (And things would have been a lot different for me if I weren’t falsely reported missing for no fucking reason, by people who don’t want me to leave them, while that is my wish for a better life for myself.) It’s always all-versus-one and those who are impartial are still pushed to say that they’re left-wing/on the fake resistance side – a position I’ve been in for a very long time – because what right-wing in the Western world is, is still so unclear for many. And that is fuelled by that fake resistance. Real resistance, in this awful system no one actually likes, is having a real unique voice and fighting against the system that figuratively chains us to live a life we don’t want to live.

Meoww my cousin came by and we’ve been chilling all night so tomorrow I’ll continue this. But I’ll be blogging for a less large part of the day because I still need to finish FangCatje and my other D.O.C.I.S. websites (+ app + album + I want to already start with reading in for physics because I want to be the best my meowww). This won’t happen in a day, but blogging less will be more efficient. I won’t vanish on you though ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’ll re-strategize my approach on these things here tomorrow as well.

It’s already past twelve 🙈

Good night ♥


Ex Animo, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Essay]

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid

A D.O.C.I.S. Essay

By Lil Fangs

An Author’s Note

This essay was written when I was in a very difficult situation. Again, being put in a powerless situation by someone else’s authority. I hoped that selling what I know about the deep-state, would help me to afford to get away from those circumstances forever. I’m not in that crisis center anymore, so the contextual information at the end of the post does not apply to me anymore. I, however, still need the funds to live independently. The essay was, because of that, put online for โ‚ฌ1177.77, but it had no sales. I find it still important that you get the rest of my message, and that is why I now put this essay online for free.

When I published any other book I’ve published, just like when I was trying to sell this essay, I am trying to earn, so that I can set up a successful business and leave my current life behind me for good. I hope I can count on your support, this time.

โ€œAlways start the documents you sell, off with a quote. It will make you look more (modern) scholarly.โ€

– Lil Fangs

That was a joke 😂 โ€ฆ The rest wonโ€™t beโ€ฆ

This essay is all about the hierarchical pyramid, visible on the next page. Iโ€™m writing this from my own perspective. As a regular citizen, attempting to formulate an independent opinion, hoping Iโ€™ll succeed in nudging the official authorities, so that we can flip the pyramid together, forming a new powerful union.

Oh meow I reallyyy need to share this citation with you again, though. (I used it in my EP, too.) It perfectly suits the content of this essay! The first three paragraphs of Propaganda, by Edward Bernays:

โ€œThe conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country.

We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society.

Our invisible governors are, in many cases, unaware of the identity of their fellow members in the inner cabinet.โ€


Why Disrupt This?

Slowly but surely, the system is destroying itself. The education system and cultural stories that are told from generation to generation, have taught us to value money. It gives us a status. It is the reason many people leave their homes every day.

If an idea is not an idea that can make you rich, society will not consider it a good idea. In that way, making an unprofitable difference, out of kind-heartedness, and to do what is best for our generation and future generations to come, is unappealing to society.

What is appealing to society, is to maximize profits, regardless of what it does to nature. What is appealing to society, is to destroy the names of talented people, because most people donโ€™t have any talents. What is appealing to society, is to make a small story far bigger than it actually is, because otherwise, people have nothing to talk about.

When nature gives out, because it has been abused by this generation far too much, money will have no value. Many lives will become purposeless. That is not our problem (anymore), because they have had enough time and have received enough information to create a better system.

Those at the top (three layers) of the pyramid, have no clue what they are actually doing. They’re far too busy playing the status game. They think it has actual meaning, while itโ€™s only talk. They donโ€™t think about the future, and the consequences of their actions.

To make sure that they donโ€™t ruin the future of us and generations to come, we should flip the pyramid. Instead of trying to maintain what we have, we should disrupt it even further โ€“ none of us truly enjoys this anyway. Itโ€™s only a faรงade, needed to keep our status. It is better to cause the disruption ourselves, so that we have control over the way the world looks, after it the system is collapsed, instead of giving in to the prospect of our fate being an uncontrollable chaos, caused by idiots.

The disruption starts with your purchase โ€“ thank you 💕 โ€“ and is followed by all of us taking physically visible action, simultaneously. Iโ€™ll first convince you of why the system has to be disrupted, some more, including some sad stories and good prospects, then Iโ€™ll tell you more about my Stratagem, and after that, it’s time for real action ๐Ÿ™‚ .


Looking from the Bottom up

From the bottom of the pyramid, the experience of life is anything except joyful. Formulating an independent opinion is too difficult for many, so we are taught to adapt and dumb down our conversation. We watch the members of the inner cabinet try to uncover who is who, and know that right-wing and left-wing are meaningless concepts in that context.

Some individuals are in multiple positions in the pyramid at the same time, due to the status that comes with their profession. Some, like me, arenโ€™t. There are right-wing politicians, doing independent research, echoing their views over the sounds of journalists who blindly follow trends, attempting to reach the business authorities that are being told what to do, by binge-watching babyboomers and their offspring, for example.

We, at the bottom, hope to see a large Volta, where there will be no more name shaming as โ€œworld newsโ€. We, at the bottom, want to see the type of change in society that will make everyone go back to school again, because life as we know it will fully change.

But the change the bottom two layers want and need to see, will mean that the top three layers of the pyramid will become obsolete. Fully obsoleteโ€ฆ


When I say this to those who blindly follow trends, they respond with something in the context of: โ€œNo wonder you are diagnosed with schizophrenia.โ€ The media pre-chew everything there is to discover in life, and tell you how you should feel about that, so how come I have such an odd opinion about everything in life?

โ€œPropagandaโ€ is a bad word, โ€œmulticulturalismโ€, โ€œprofessionalโ€ and โ€œSTGโ€ are good words, according to the trends. How about they become just words again, where โ€œgoodโ€ or โ€œbadโ€ depends on the context they are used in, and the personal view of the listener.

So then, in my view, โ€œIโ€™m going to use propaganda to make everyone my minion,โ€ is bad. But โ€œIโ€™m going to use propaganda to force people to think independently (and unveil their identity),โ€ is good.

Since Iโ€™m, in the meantime, still busy debunking the diagnosis schizophrenia I have received, I have to still point this out, though I assume you know I know this, and I hope you know this: Officially, the official authorities and those backing them, are on top of the pyramid. But because we are taught that the media are the voice of independent reason, the official top of the pyramid is not treated as the top of the pyramid, but as puppets who have to be shaped according to the will of the self-preservative deep-state, profiting of the overrated status game.

The bottom two rows of the pyramid are structurally being prohibited from emancipating, because the top three layers do not want to give up their position in the Silent Pyramid. This is so severe, that from a young age, people are taught to stop hoping for change, and accept life as it is. Then the media confirm that image, by publishing thousands of pessimistic articles per day. And if you go too far in your believes for change, like me, youโ€™ll become a victim of social shock therapy and be forced to take psychiatric drugs until you give up on your dreams. Life canโ€™t go on like this forever! Especially not because of the state of the waterworksโ€ฆ ๐Ÿ™‚ (The state that is fully ignored by those who blindly follow, and which is not getting enough media attention AT ALL!!!)

I have a lot of trouble with that people who blindly follow trends are authorized to label and stigmatize the worlds of people they canโ€™t even understand. In my view, schizophrenia โ€“ as well as MANY other labels – cannot exist, because every perspective on life is unique. Itโ€™s just used to push us down the Pyramid even furtherโ€ฆ That includes people who are convinced by other people that theyโ€™re dumb, while theyโ€™re actually very smart.

Dissolving the Deep-State

As was said in the citation of Bernays: the members of the inner cabinet, do not know the identity of their fellow members. As in that they cannot openly discuss their hidden agendas. But if youโ€™re only in it for the money and other forms of self-preservation, itโ€™s not necessary to discuss your agenda to reveal your identity. (I say โ€œyourโ€ for simplicity. I donโ€™t necessarily mean you, my dear reader.)

In our competitive world, everyone is incentivized to show characteristics of politeness and intelligence, whether theyโ€™re real or fake. Humor, in the meantime, has evolved into โ€œlaughing after barbarianismโ€. To me, todayโ€™s sense of humor is painful and loveless. Real humor requires intelligence. Intelligence most people โ€“ sad but true โ€“ donโ€™t have.

Through someoneโ€™s sense of humor, you can decipher that personโ€™s identity and hidden agenda. The faรงade of politeness and intelligence is meaningless, when jokes are misunderstood due to the lack of understanding. From that, an interview follows, to unveil the nature of a joke [Was it to indirectly insult, or was it to make laugh?], and to unveil the nature of the listener [Does the listener find the joker a good conversationalist, or does he/she find him an annoying nerd?].

Iโ€™m pulling out all the stops in this paragraph [wonder why?] 😏 . I just want to show you that, even though Iโ€™m not really part of it (yet), I know your world very well.

We shouldnโ€™t spend time with those we canโ€™t get along with. The politeness, resembling โ€œprofessionalismโ€, in this competitive world, we should let go of, because I know that there are, like me, many people who stay polite, while they would rather scream so loud that their saliva starts to foam. Itโ€™s not healthy to crop up emotions (of anger)!

I believe that there is a professional deep-state, and a personal deep-state. The professional deep-state has superficial people wanting to look cool in the one corner, and pioneers wanting to make a change, in the other. The experience of the personal deep-state depends on individual identity, but I would categorize it in this way (mind you that my personal bias will echo through this): there are those who live to spread love, of whom some people in their lives live to do the same, but most people live to take advantage of them, because those people, taking advantage, live, but are barely conscious. They have no talent and donโ€™t want to think about life, because their minds are not capable of understanding it, so let alone improving it. Due to the competitiveness in our society and everyone wanting to be a star, theyโ€™ll act as if they live to spread love, but in reality, all they do is just survive (by taking advantage of others).

Iโ€™m talking to the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, who truly live to spread love (and receive all of mine 😻 ).

An Independent Alliance

A real โ€œRevenge of the Nerdsโ€, will set the record straight. We have adapted ourselves to less intelligent people for long enough. How about we all let โ€œprofessionalismโ€ go, simultaneously, and just be ourselves. (Youโ€™ll breathe more freely than ever before!)

We, the bottom layers of the Pyramid, donโ€™t need large groups of people to do what we want to do in life. It is what makes us strong as individuals, but itโ€™s what makes us weak against the competitive top three layers in the Silent Pyramid, who are more focused on forming self-preservative alliances, than self-development.

We, โ€œnerdsโ€, should seclude ourselves from those we wouldnโ€™t truly voluntarily spend time with anyway. If we all do it together, at the same time, the top three layers will be powerless. We can outsmart them with so much ease!

That is why I plead for the independent alliance of the bottom two layers of the Silent Pyramid, through D.O.C.I.S. International, funded to unite us and revolutionize society. Who do you want to be, when, due to the collapse of the waterworks, the entire system collapses? You can start your life all over again and re-log who you are, for the history books of our future generations. Please let me know, by sending an email to



The international deep-state should be uncovered, the media should be taken less seriously, those who blindly follow trends have no purpose in our revolution, official authorities should become actual authorities and those who work hard to formulate an independent opinion, will become the worldโ€™s new generation of pioneers.

I hope to have given you information that is understandable, and the incentive to do something you easily can and want to do. All you need to do, is, the next time I ask you to publicly support me, say that you are part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council, and poke your chest and bum out, showing the world the strong and independent individual that you are. Iโ€™ll divide positions and tasks on the fly. (They say donโ€™t put new information in the conclusion of your textsโ€ฆ Iโ€™m still doing it. #YOLO.)

A Digression

War in the Western world, would make me happy. To get the chance to rebuild the overpromoted, decaying metropolitans, which are like old, squeaking amusement park attractions, facilitating the same routine over and over and over and over again. I canโ€™t even pretend to like it anymore. I canโ€™t pretend to value it, either. It would also end that awful โ€œThe West is the Bestโ€-sentiment (democrats often use).

The top three layers will point a moralistic finger at me, for the first sentence of this digression, but that is only because the war will be against them, and they will be so very powerless.

Ik hoop dat je je door mijn schrijven een stuk minder alleen voelt. Ik hoop dat ik je leven leuker maak, vanaf de afstand van waar ik je bereik.

Je voelt je zeker alleen omdat je voor de meeste mensen te intelligent bent. Maak je niet (meer) druk, want je persoonlijkheid zal binnenkort de allernormaalste zijn. Andersdenkenden belachelijk maken, zal binnenkort belachelijk worden. Ook zal het normaler worden om culturele gebruiken te laten varen.

Of ik helemaal klaar ben met Project Nosce Te Ipsum? Nee, ik wacht tot men me antwoorden opstuurt. Ik moet weten hoeveel mensen A of B stemmen op de laatste vraag in The Hypothesis, omdat ik op basis daarvan, had ik gezegd, het vervolg van het verhaal zal bepalen. Het is ook onderdeel van de informatie die ik nodig heb voor het publieke opinie onderzoek dat ik doe, om te bepalen wat de beste regeermethode is, voor wanneer de waterwerken er niet meer zijn.

Het wordt een spannende tijd. Maar hoe dan ook een leuke tijd, omdat we samen zullen zijn.

I love you 💕

– Xxx โ€“ The Fangs

Die dit allemaal in een avondje op haar telefoon typte, in de crisisopvang, hopend dat ze met de opbrengst hiervan een beter alternatief heeft dan de daklozenopvang, omdat ik vandaag weg moet uit de crisisopvang. Hartelijk dank voor je aankoop 💕 .

Hoe vind je mijn verkooppiramide concept, voor de verkoop van mijn essay over de Stille Pyramide? 😏

ยฉ Lil Fangs (Dominique Daniรซlle Elia) โ€“ The contents of this document may be re-sold for a lower price, but only when part of the profits are shared with the author. When reproducing the content, always mention the author.

Blog, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Dilemmas… 🤔 [Saturday, June 15, 2019]

14:42 (02:42 PM)ย 

Good afternoon โ™ฅ

A Question of Empathy

I hope you had a good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ . If all you want to do in life is run a successful business, and you’re not receiving any support from those you thought would support you: how would you go about this?

The Crux of Working Alone and Externalities

I keep a strict schedule of tasks, but living under the authority of my parents often brings me in situations where I am kept from putting effort into growing my business. Numbering thematic days in my blog posts, motivates me to keep writing about and working on that topic I’m numbering (such as “Cold Case”, needed to clear my name, and “Crisis Center Day”, showing you the living circumstances there (and getting out of that)). But unfortunately, without any public support, I can’t clear my name and can’t get rid of the “schizophrenic” stigma.

My strategies are written in such a way that I don’t need to depend on others to execute it, unless I need a person with a certain authority, only when that is unavoidable. They would work out better if I were separated from those who negatively influence my path.

To do that, I need money and to get that: I need revenue. (I’ll never work for a boss again, I’m telling you ๐Ÿ™‚ . I need more money than that, for this success… How else can I build my own compounds? (My alternative is suicide. I have no tolerance for scripted and/or shallow conversations.)). But keeping in touch with my target audience, as you must have noticed, is not easy. Especially without the endorsement of the public (amplified due to the curse my circle has cursed me with, by internationally spreading a lie about me). This is the most severe experience of loneliness ever.

What the Success I Work towards looks like

So I need to keep going with setting up my little web-empire, so that I can later build an empire in real life. But in the meantime, those who do not read complain about the complexity of my concept. I try to be as clear as possible: it’s not easy, but it most certainly is a fruitful concept.

My success, in reality, is not based on scale. On the contrary! I would rather earn from one person for whom I can set in all of my goods and services, than earn from people who buy because they’re responding to a created hype. The one audience wants to spend more than the other, and I value a good personal relationship.

And by “personal relationship”, I mean that once I have a non-online, classic but alternative looking bookstore, I can invite my intimate group of main clients over for tea, for example. From there we can talk about how we can easily overpower the system, by working together. (Like when certain types of religion weren’t allowed and they had to meet secretly.)

Using big social networks paired with that directly, will take away our strength of mutual judgment, so I’m very glad to have said goodbye to my accounts on Facebook and Instagram. Though I’m still not at peace with the way they have treated me.

I hope that once I have finished all of my websites, you, who know where to find me, will enjoy the selection of books I recommend you, and will become a guest writer for The Fangs. “The Fangs” is like “The Times”, is my aim.

And from the revenue and fruitful partnerships that result from this extended digital success, I can constitute my own country: Planet Fang.

Please Consider This

Anyone willing to invest in this concept for a real-life intimate bookstore (and art gallery) with a stage and a kitchen, where I run the entire place myself? If it were in a secluded area, on private land I desire to purchase, it can be more for a neo-elite-ish audience, which is my target audience.

Excuse me for not having my renewed websites finished yet, but I was hoping you’ll reach out to me before I do… I’ve been at this for more than a year now ๐Ÿ™ .

Why This Hurts so Much

My road to success would have been less long and dreadful, if I had a father who is willing to invest in me. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to know that the money is there, but that he would rather spend it on himself or someone else? (Or Bitcoins…)

I now need to do everything myself, which doesn’t allow me to save any money for my future. I do things that are so time consuming, while if I outsource them, I would have time to focus on more important things.

And then there are the people who defend my father’s choice to let me bleed, saying that my business concept is not good. I have never explained what the exact Golden Egg is, so how can they know?

When we’re finally tackling overpopulation, I wouldn’t mind if they die for hurting me. The same goes for those who think that all a female’s business can do is have sex for money? I’d like to kill all of them myself.

Me wanting to kill certain individuals – justified by overpopulation and non-fruitful, fraudulent personalities – is sparked by the fact that they always hurt me and if they’re dead, I’m certain that they won’t hurt me anymore and won’t come anywhere near me after I’ve distanced myself from them.


I woke up around 8 AM, because technicians for the solar panels that will be placed in a few weeks, came to check the structure of the electricity circuits in the house.

I was very hungry, but didn’t know what would satisfy my taste buds. I answered some ASKfm questions, but when I felt that they were becoming a bit too much, I put away my phone. I laid in bed, thinking about how to get rid of my loneliness and still about what to eat as well. But then drifted off to sleep again.

After waking up again, I felt a strong need to be productive. But then I thought of all of my previous attempts to get online revenue, which were also not responded to.

I’m giving myself an supernaturally long list of tasks, to better my services towards you, but what if it’s ignored again? Then I’d put my tachycardia on the line for nothing, again.

I still can’t be certain if this will be ignored again or get me the desired results. But I can only know it by trying it. It kind of sucks to spend months of blood, sweat and tears, not knowing if what I’m doing is worth it. I hope you’ll read this and take that into consideration.

To make my diary a bit more overseeable, I’ll be using more titles. That’s part one of being productive…

It’s now 16:11 (04:11 PM) and I still haven’t eaten anything yet. I’ll be making myself a salad now, hoping that I don’t faint from hunger (used to have that often, as a child).

After that, I’m going to work on the texts for my websites.

When I’m done with all of the web things I need to do – that won’t be today – I’ll use Twitter for marketing. I hope people will like my selection of books.


17:20 (05:20 PM)ย 

Dates ๐Ÿ™

Mid-eating this improv salad…

I have the house to myself, because my sister is at her boyfriend’s (far more often than she is at home, which concerns me because it doesn’t affect my parents) and my parents are at a barbecue.

I ate these dates before my salad:

No dates, but dates… x_x

I hate being single, my meow. But currently there’s only one person I see myself be with and be successful. Someone who isn’t easy to reach, unfortunately. Dating someone available of my age would hold me back, I know from experience and because they don’t aim as high as I do in life.

Fatigue & Other Health Struggles

I don’t know what I’ll make myself for dinner, yet. I think I’ll just grill some tuna and eat the rest of the salad I have here.

My brain still needs rest, my meow, but I want to see my websites finished ๐Ÿ™ . What to do… 😔 I can never give myself a genuine off day, because I can’t stop thinking of all of the work that has to be done ๐Ÿ™ . It just has to be finished x_x.

I need to see my doctor in Germany, but I need more money for that.

As you have seen plenty of times now, my phycisian here in my neighborhood does anything but help me. All she does is try to get my body fucked up with antipsychotics I’m intolerant of and try to get me declared incompetent. She tells my sister to take her antibiotics with fucking yoghurt. I don’t want to go anywhere near her, but the Dutch health care system forces the exact opposite.

I still have HPV and my heart beat causes chest pains far more frequently, lately. It’s getting time for a check-up of the state of my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia, too. Plus I think I should let a full body MRI be made, because something reallyyy doesn’t feel right ๐Ÿ™ . (Especially when walking around with HPV for too long.)

Also, I’d like the fluid that causes the bags underneath and above my eyes to be taken away. And get my body waxed entirely. (And transfer my belly fat to my buns… :D) I’d feel a lot better in my own skin, then. And if I’d have new and better clothing 😿 .

And this is also not good for my health:

My heart x_x. It feels like starting back from scratch….

Love Cravings

Plus I still want Cishes from Victishe – especially after all that happened – but I don’t know how else to attempt again than by having my websites finished and starting about one of my case studies – about alternative governance – that is finished when I have a leader’s perspective. But I fear rejection 😿 .

Working to earn a large passive income is very exhausting ๐Ÿ™ .


19:03 (07:03 PM)ย 

Thun marinated in sweet ketjap, soy sauce, sesame oil and honey. Und Salattt.


I want you, who appreciates this, to feel comfortable around me. I have been justifying murder, but want you to know that you won’t become part of that list, if you don’t hurt me. And if you have, please just either blame someone else or apologize, using good arguments no matter what. I think that’s what we both need.

I reflect on my faults every day and share that here. I find that enough. If you find it correct that you have hurt me, then it’s a given that me wanting you dead will never change. Plus, we need to tackle overpopulation somehow anyway.

Lol that were my solo dinner number 1057’s thoughts. Hoping that one day I’ll start having dinner with someone powerful and sexy every day 🤔 .

If you’re not certain if you’re powerful and sexy: if you’re powerful, I’ll find you sexy for sure. And if you’re not certain, then that’s cute ๐Ÿ™‚ . Unless you say “I can’t…”, “I don’t…”, “I’m not…” too often. Please don’t do that when deep down you know that that’s not the case ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I wonder why attractive people stay away from me ๐Ÿ™ . Who do you expect me to date…? Please don’t say someone from the exact same origin 😿 .

My Type

From when I was taught about living to grow old and start a family, I’ve been imagining myself with a Dutch man of at least 7 feet tall. One who is extremely muscular and intelligent, who has bright light eyes and dark hair.

“Dutch” because I want to know the experience of life in a white Dutch family. In school I often blended in with the foreign kids, and had some Dutch friends as well, but I wasn’t allowed to stay outside as late and go anywhere, the way they were/are allowed to. And the combination of our heritages will make us veryyy powerful, globally ๐Ÿ™‚ .

At least 7 feet, because I’m living with a love deficit and experiencing love from someone tall is unique. I don’t come across men that tall often. I would love to experience how it feels to cuddle someone at whose chest height I am, the way short girls experience that. Plus when it comes to sports, I like a challenge ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I am, by the way, attracted to women as well. Just because this is a men’s world, still, when it comes to power, I prefer something more traditional.

Muscular and intelligent, because it’s irresistible and “mutual intelligence” will keep our conversation diverse and exciting (if I’m able to calm my attraction nerves ๐Ÿ˜€ ).

And bright light eyes and dark hair, because I find the contrast so beautiful. I want a brighter eye color, too, my meow ๐Ÿ™ . Plus mixed children with bright eyes are sooo 😻 . But in actuality, I feel attracted to some people who don’t look like that, too.

Am I your typeยฟ I find it very hard to see if someone’s into me or not, when I’m speaking to anyone.

Thinking Funds

It would be cool to be a publisher with a literary cafe, right? ๐Ÿ™‚ All I need is some people who already have a name, to invest in it and publicly endorse it.

Due to overpopulation, it would do better in a secluded area, where visiting the cafe would then become a special day trip. Plus I like to work outside busy cities and prefer calmth in a public space. Members only entrance?

I could then organize events in my own event space ๐Ÿ™‚ . I would much rather have it be part of my own compound, though, for the concepts for alternative food distribution I have. It would be cool if big companies that are around for years already, would collab with me ๐Ÿ™‚ .

This is not a concept for traditional crowd funding…

I’m exhausted, so I’m going to fold out the electronic leg rest of the couch in the semi-anex-ish space in this house, and reason some. Writing and typing I should do less, because my brain feels as if it can give out any second meoww ciao xxx


23:03 (11:03 PM)ย 

Bath Cat

Spending the rest of my day reasoning, without a phone or anything else requiring cognitive energy, was sooo nice. Though I haven’t been productive for my websites, and money troubles were consuming me a bit, it was very comfortable.

To amplify the comfort, I’m taking a bath now. It has been sooo long since I’ve soaked in this little bath…

Fangs in bath

From bed cat, to bath cat, my meoww 😽

And I hadn’t showered all day, so it feels very right to do this ahaha…

But the mental calmth is only sealed when I put away my phone…

Tomorrow, I’m planning on being genuinely productive with these websites. But only at the start of the day. I just want to have the texts I want to be on it, written in advance. Then it’s a matter of copy-pasting, when I’m done configuring the designs. So tomorrow, at the start of the day, I’ll be writing.

I’ve always been this “last minute student” and that shows in how I run this mini web empire haha… Wish I had some people working for me, who will enjoy how chill I am when it comes to salary (partially upfront) and the influence I allow you to have. Hehe ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Later tomorrow, I’m going to attend a food tasting event in a castle: Slot Zeist. I love food and events, so I’m so looking forward to it ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m intending to socialize and meet some new people. Hopefully hand out some business cards… Even though my websites aren’t finished x_x . I hope to see you there ๐Ÿ™‚ . It starts at 12 and ends at 7. We’ll probably be there around 4 or so…

There’s a party next door, so I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep any time soon. (I’ve been playing loud music often enough, though, so it’s definitely not a big deal.) But after having soaked a little more – though this bath its plug is old so it goes empty out itself over time – I’m going to attempt to sleep.

Good night and hope to see you tomorrow introducing yourself saying you’re my fellow Fangyist (I hope that will happen, but I’m convincing myself that it won’t, so that I won’t be disappointed haha)…

Sweet dreams ♥


Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Disrupting The Silent Pyramid [Tuesday, June 4, 2019]

00:35 (12:35 AM)

I just finished my essay Disrupting the Silent Pyramid! It’s the best essay/plea/call-to-action I’ve written this far, I believe ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s exactly 2500 words and maybe re-sold for a lower price, if the profits are shared with me. I’m going to put it in my store now ๐Ÿ™‚ . Here’s the cover image:

Doesn’t that look awesome? ๐Ÿ˜€


01:26 (AM)

[products category=”essays-3″]

There it is ๐Ÿ™‚ . It’s also a main menu item:

Yay :D. This really is a must-read! ๐Ÿ˜€

Please check out the product page! It includes the best product description I’ve written this far ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I hope you will support my independent living, by purchasing my essay, so that I, in return, can support your independent living.

I’ll put this on my Instagram and Twitter, and after that, I’ll go to sleep.

I hope I’ll wake up rich and won’t have to move in to a homeless shelter or into my room in my parents’ house again. Then I could just be myself and truly make a change, and can finally leave this schizophrenia nonsense behind me. I really hope you’ll be on my side โ™ฅ .

Good night, my love (if you’re on my side) โ™ฅ


10:49 (AM)

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ

With an aching chest, I’ve been seeking a homeless shelter for my situation, but I can only find shelters that include psychiatric care. (Aching because this is what it has come to.)

So basically I have about 2 hours until a conversation I don’t even want to have takes place and I will be forced to move back in with my parents.

There are no quick and easy ways to commit suicide in this vicinity. But at “home”, there are. The session that will take place at 1 PM, will be themed with making me feel guilty about the things I’ve said about my parents, followed by them listing reasons why they think I’m psychotic. So I think that afterwards, I’ll feel enough pain and strength to end my life.

In case my essay suddenly starts selling only after I die: the profits must then be divided over Thierry Baudet’s campaigns, President Trump his fight for justice, even better holidays for Victor Geskes and Benoรฎt Crutzen, and my sister’s future (and only she may decide how her share of my funds are spent, which she may only share with her parents buy buying tangibles).

Mind you that the essay is for about 90% about life in general – touching on the aspects of The Silent Pyramid, including how to unveil someone’s identity – and less than 10% about the way I feel about my life in this situation, from the bottom of the Pyramid.

I see people looking at my content frequently and not buying anything. I don’t want to tear up my heart, trying to figure out why they don’t – unless it’s for the looks of it, for which I, as you know, don’t have the funds.

I’m still in bed. But I’m going to get up now, then get ready for the worst session I don’t want to have, and continue to contemplate suicide, for as long as people only read my free content, but don’t buy anything from me.

Ciao xxx


12:55 (PM)ย 

The sale of my essay will end after that ugh session. I’ll then stall my suicide until it’s clear if anyone will financially support me by buying my essay or not. It would be a waste of life dying and then finding out that there are many people I can discuss the contents of my essay with, actually peacefully disrupting it in practice.


16:25 (04:25 PM)


This is such a random week…

I was glad to come home to this new fan! ๐Ÿ™‚ My previous one was old and squeaky… [And there will be solar panels placed, next week!]

I unpacked and cleaned my room right after coming home… Meanwhile, the sale has ended. The amount of sales is still 0. I hope I could still somehow convince some people to make the purchase.. I really need to move out ๐Ÿ™ .

The Dutch health care system, for people with a low income like me, works in such a way, that you can only see a specialist after being referred by a non-specialist healthcare professional. So to be able to get a second opinion, I need to become a patient of the department I was in in 2017-2018 – the VIP department [a Dutch abbreviation for “early intervention for psychoses”]ย  – which is where the crisis center has referred me to, and then hope that at that department, they are willing and able to refer me to someone I can talk to, who is open to give me a real second opinion.

The only reason why I put so much emphasis onย  correcting my medical record, is because I aspire to get a role in society that comes with a lot of responsibility. If I were a schizophrenic, that could get in the way of my sense of responsibility. That is why I want that out of my file: it is not true. There is nothing wrong with my sense of reality…

I wouldn’t mind if my file says that I’m depressed because I have certain ambitions, but am considered too young to make them reality, and I’m being ignored by the people whose attention I desire to have ๐Ÿ™ . And that I’m lonely :(. Therapy sessions unfortunately can’t change that. But refusing therapy is against the will of my mother… I desire to start off as an official authority’s sidekick and in that way get my schedule full…

I need someone I can really talk to. And cuddle… There are so many (business and science related) things I still wish to learn, from individuals. And I wish to befriend people who do enjoy to hear my ideas about social hierarchy and stuff… Who don’t consider that schizophrenia… x_x

Meanwhile, my heart is getting more and more attached to the idea of being the lifetime companion of someone who is very tall and sexy, with a lot of responsibilities and grey hairsย 😻 . I would finally have someone I can talk to, someone I’d enjoy listening to, and one of the few people on this globe I actually truly feel physically attracted to… It’s very random that it’s not someone from my own age, but I love it! (Hoping that my heart won’t be broken…) Don’t know how to make that reality, though… Aside from buying a small house near the German border and then throwing a wildly sexy house warming party for Graeynissis?

Speaking of Germany… I came home to this x_x:

Meoooow x_x. Please buy my essay ahahaha…

Mwehh I’m so lonely ๐Ÿ™ . Please buy my essay and make me feel less aloneee. I’ll give you the Cishes I’ve been saving up ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

I’m going to take a nap… And later work on my websites, now that I’m behind my laptop again… I’ll talk to you later xxx


21:44 (09:44 PM)ย ย 

Heyy โ™ฅ

My nap was good. I ate pizza borromea afterwards. Now I’m back in bed…

A week ago, just like that, I was staying in a different room. And now I’m back here. Aside from a different hairstyle, it hasn’t brought me much.

And I feel like too much has happened in this household. I shouldn’t be here. (Hehe my phone’s keyboard suggested “I shouldn’t be single”, to which I agree as well.) In practice, the situation is calm, but I feel so much underlying pressure.

Please buy my essay ๐Ÿ™ . It might sound foolish to purchase a โ‚ฌ1177.77 editable and resellable document, but the words in it are incomparable to anything else. It contains truly new information!

I want my writing to become a luxury product. Not only because I need to earn a serious income to accomplish my goals in life: I find my topics and style of writing that unique as well. I may get some compensation for this, right? ๐Ÿ™

Now I live in the constant fear of getting an intervention again. My blinds are closed and my lights are off. Wishing I were alone so no one – with authority over me – can see me show this odd behavior. (Not even beginning about my odd e-mail behavior that is often ignored 😿 .) Simultaneously, I wish I had someone to make out with, so that I don’t have to think about the state my life is in.

My ambition to get enough essay sales before tomorrow, so that I have an alternative to going back to that psychiatric treatment I was under in 2017-2018, was called “unrealistic”. I know it’s overambitious, but I’d like to prove them wrong ๐Ÿ™ . My alternative is searching an office job I don’t even want, and I’m mentally really not ready to start, in a job interview, saying things like: “Ik ben op zoek naar een nieuwe uitdaging.” “Ik ben een teamplayer.” “Een gezellig team met leuke collega’s.” While I actually hate it… Please make my fate a little better :(.

On my essay: I must say – though I assume that you know – that in the pyramid of social hierarchy, official authorities are further at the top. In reality, they adapt to what trend followers demand from them (or accuse them of), which puts them in a lower position in our current reality, is what I see. (But now I’m giving away the content ๐Ÿ™ .)

Is anyone in the mood for rough and wildly passionate sex? Because I really want to forget that I exist.

Please say something ๐Ÿ™ .


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Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]

05:57 (AM)

Good morning :)โ™ฅ

The chirping of birds woke me, a while ago. In case you see the featured image and wonder why my pillow is tilted to the side: it’s because (often, due to pillow quality) I prefer to lay my head on the mattress and pretend as if my pillow is someone I can cuddle with…

Kinda feel at home here

I ate some left over soy beans, as I checked my notifications, after which I emptied my bladder. Now I’m back in bed.

Meowww I wish I really had someone to talk to, with whom I can be intimate, who doesn’t want me to change at all. 90% of those I speak to, don’t understand the decisions I make. Not even after explanation. Still they advice me to stop acting differently than others. I have many reasons to do what I do, the way I do it. That’s why I have such a great need for the type of friendship where one look explains enough.

Meanwhile, my fantasies are getting more wild by the minute. Even elevators and taxis are not safe for us anymore… 😻 Though I love the way the mental images make me feel, I fear getting too attached to the idea of us together… Because what if it won’t happen :(.

Being friends or more than friends with me, is/will be/could be something a lot of people have an opinion about. Much of my provocative strategy is received with negative commentary, because I see a complete disruption and replacement of the system we live in, as an improvement, and a lot of people (in truth) do not want their lives to change. I’m telling you: due to the state of our environment (including overpopulation and the injustice many are living in), change is inevitable.
But you and I, like those who will judge us, have the right to have good friendships, too, right. I think, if some would see us together, they would be shaken up by the radience of our power, intelligence and influence. That is something we should disregard, because to better our fate, our Alliance is supposed to become reality.

Today will be a very hot day… I feel like getting a slush puppy? And I do want to get started with that essay I spoke of yesterday. I think I’ll write it down on paper first, for a change. But first, I’ll close my eyes again for a while, later have breakfast and get ready and stuff… xxx


14:06 (02:06 PM)

Some wild tweets:

Help me er ajb voor zorgen dat ik nooit meer Maccie eet… Ben elke keer misselijk erna x_x. Doe mij maar lobster…

Dit was ik naar mezelf maar snap je wat ik probeer te doen… xd

Currently still @ mcdonalds. Ik denk niet dat ik mijn McFlurry M&M op krijg haha…


17:41 (05:41 PM)

I’m so tired meowww x_x.

Zzzzz 😴

This weather [and the thought of you 😻 ] got me like… 😂

I enjoyed the weekend, though. I fear tomorrow. I’m powerless against the mental torture sessions I can’t get away from. All I can do is list my rights. They don’t understand that the only reason why I’m here is to have sone time away from home, hopefully even to move out right after I get out of here. They don’t have a protocol for that, here, so they consider me a mentally lost cause. They still think I have trouble learning… I just have high standards, that’s all.

It takes time to put my business concept into practice. Time they can’t and don’t even want to give me, here. I wish to escape the authority of the health care industry and the authority of my parents. I did that when I went to the United States and I did that when I went to Germany (twice). I don’t have the money to do that again. (Otherwise I would have done that again as soon as I received my new passport…) If I don’t escape this situation soon, I’ll probably die under strange circumstances – the way many patients have – and they’ll say it was suicide. I don’t want to die anymore now that, by being here, I’ve received a new chance to prove my point [THAT I AM NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC]. But I can only succeed in this, if I receive the support from those who can truly understand my writing.

It’s dinner time. I’ll be back afterwards, though I feel like sleeping already… xxx


19:32 (07:32 PM)

Dinner – bami – was quite good ๐Ÿ™‚ . I’m back in bed now. This weather is making me feel like a dried leaf, and I fear this place, in that context, because lorazepam is considered a medicine… It’s my tachtcardia acting up, and psychiatric drugs will make that worse. Wish I had money to visit my doctor in Germany again…

Remember this audio file?!AhevpAkFFwyIi2XeP6xJYmwXkgFY
To me, that is not therapy, but plain abuse of authority. All I do is constantly defend myself. It’s exhausting. I don’t want that again, but tomorrow is Monday ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ .

I wish I could be with my Vicje ๐Ÿ™ . Who knows my chances with him. I don’t know, because every time I’ve been around him, I get too busy with fighting the urge to kiss and touch him, while trying to make a cool impression (hahahahahahahaha)…. (I pray he feels the same way about me…) He’s one of the few people on this entire globe, I actually genuinely find attractive. He’s number one on my mental list of people I find attractive. Jhene Aiko is second ๐Ÿ™‚ .

I feel kind of lost. During the last “therapy” session, it was said that they wanted to keep me in this ward only until after the weekend, and that after that, they want me to go back to the house of my parents and go back under treatment at the people I went all the way to the United States for, to escape them. This system is awful ๐Ÿ™ . I don’t even have Graeyniss friends who can visit me here ๐Ÿ™ .

To solve the problem I’m dealing with, here, I need the capital to buy my own house, and I need the investment needed to further develop my business (concept) (and some money for tuition)… Though they have it, my parents are not an option to ask this, because they would rather keep the money to themselves (and spend it irrationally)… I’d love to ask the people with a high status in society I’ve met, but they have a high status to maintain… I don’t know anyone else willing to support me. Especially not because of the controversial contents of my blog, my social environment doesn’t like.

I can really only do this with you, my Graeyniss… Which is so awesome, on the one hand, because I don’t want to spend time with anyone else! But on the other hand, I fear that you won’t do anything either, and that my fate is to die alone ๐Ÿ™ .

Haha wow I just heard thunder strike, but, for a second, thought it was a gunshot. Meooow this weather makes me want to have someone to cuddle with even more ๐Ÿ™ .

Since the ~experts~ here use the last few posts of my blog to call me mentally insane and someone who needs psychiatric drugs et cetera: I have serious grounds to plead for the assassination of some, including overpopulation and illegal activities. I am not a bad influence on my readers, because they haven’t done it – and even if they did, it wouldn’t be for nothing. That is also content for a police case and not a psychiatric case.

I can’t talk about my depression with these people here, because all they do is look at that file from 2017 and try to figure out what the exact schizophrenia of mine is, so that they can prescribe psychiatric drugs to me, with a reason why (@ health insurance). That’s just making me far more depressed! They’re also not even open to listen to my self-diagnoses, “because I’m the patient”. Help me please ๐Ÿ™ .

The greatest flaw in this psychiatric industry, is that there are too many patients per “doctor”. And that every session is with a different person, who then tries to continue the conversation of his/her colleague, but only knows what the colleague has paraphrased in the digital patient file, which is not everything.
Especially with me, you can’t hold a conversation in that way. My blog has over 400 posts on them, all about this case of mine. I’d appreciate it if the person reviewing me were prepared. And especially not judge after having read not even 10% of what is on here.
But they’re not willing to take the time for me like that. I can understand that, because I’m not open to use psychiatric drugs anyway, and there’s not enough time for a session, because of the amount of patients.

On top of all of that: if I considered psychiatry effective for me, I would have approached a psychiatrist myself, instead of, again, having my mother force me to see one.

What would truly solve my emotional problems, is sex, business and money. Though that might sound as a way to cover up emotional problems: the reason why I’m unsatisfied in life is because I’m striving towards the funding of a multi-component, multinational business, and I’m still not there yet. Plus I’m lonely… And when I, around proletarians, say “still” not “there” yet, they start with meaningless oneliners about having to start small and that failure is not bad et cetera. But for my level of intelligence, that’s worse than bad, and you all know it…

So I’m trying to reason out a quick way to solve this:

– I need to get money.
I should get my laptop, so that I can continue configuring my new online (book)store [in which I also want to sell classics fron Seneca and Ovid, et cetera… You’ll love it!!! 😻 ]. But for that, I need to go past the house of my parents and I wish to not speak to them… But my keys are at home x_x.

– I need to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Just because of my aspirations, I want my files to show the truth about me. However, if convincing you through my own network (D.O.C.I.S. International/ is possible, then I could sort of settle for that. Meanwhile, my mother loves to send me here, though. That’s why I do prefer to correct my file. To stop her from being able to do that.
The problem is that the “doctors” here, who don’t have time for exceptional cases, are not even willing to listen to the reasons why not. And if one psychiatrist would say “Lil Fangs is not a schizophrenic”, it would be much easier for other psychiatrists to say that the psychiatrist supporting me is also a schizophrenic, instead of suddenly having the world know that dozens of healty care professionals have done a VERY bad job with me, because I am not a schizophrenic (and have never been one, but the illness is chronic, so according to those “experts”, I was born weak-minded). I hope now you know for sure why I have been putting so much emphasis on my medical record, over the past few years ๐Ÿ™‚ .

– I need a place to stay.
Chances are that tomorrow they’ll either send me home or send me to a different ward. What I want is to live with someone I can talk business with (and be intimate with). But that is only possible when you anticipate on this blog post (Vicje 😻 ). If not – which would break my heart, but I could still get to show some empathy if you would (but please please PLEASE don’t break it) – I would choose the different ward. Or maybe they’ll keep me here and force me to undergo treatment with drugs here. That would be a powerless hell, but then I could continue to point out things that desperately need to be altered, in the (Dutch) psychiatric system.
I’d rather do that, than go back to my parents’ house. I consider this form of raising awareness the most useful – hopefully media victims are considering to publish their news through me. And I’d rather write than have to resort to some job serving drinks full-time, continuously being disturbed by the fact that I have a business here, ready for expansion.

If my B admits to being the voice in the Head Cuddle… ๐Ÿ™ The case would be closed just like that. It’s who we are, naturally, and we have this ability for a purpose. I still experience the sound, but it’s as if we have nothing to talk about, if we can’t even spend time together. We’re supposed to be designing a new world together ๐Ÿ™ .

My dear reader, please do something ๐Ÿ™ . To help me, you could, for example, form an alliance with other supporters of mine you know. I beg you to distance yourself from those who are not on my side, if you’re on my side, because our opponents are incredibly hurtful and I do not want you to get hurt! ๐Ÿ™

If you’re a sweet and influential Graeyniss reading this: you know where I am at all times. You can see what I see and hear what I hear. I hope you’ll use these tools to make me even happier, by freeing me and allowing me to spend more time with you in person. It’s what we both want…

No one wants me to stay in a ward like this for three months or longer, again (I assume…). To earn – so that I can afford to live elsewhere, without moving back in with my parents – I should get access to a computer (and buy a better one…). I wish I could just be Vicje’s sidekick, though… (Because, yes, my mind does need special attention on the work floor, because I think I’m already ready to handle a director’s workload…) Meoow I wonder if he’s still in the country… I would be so happy to spend much more time with him. Even if it’s only to look at him: he’s such a Catje! 😻

I’m going to go to sleep again. With panties only, because it’s sooo hott in here…

Good night ♥


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Crisis Center Day 5 [Saturday, June 1, 2019]

06:49 (AM)

Good morning โ™ฅ

How are you today? ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m quite well rested, it seems. I’m thinking of how to keep myself occupied today… I feel like writing an essay about unspoken social hierarchy, but spending so much time with my phone in my hands isn’t healthy and I don’t have my laptop with me…

Tomorrow will be a very hot day, so I really need those tights, though. (Even better would be to get my legs waxed… It’s very much needed… I wear tights in an attempt to mask my wildly unshaved legs…) And I should get outside to get some food…

I’m casually laying here in my cell. From the start of my blog, I’ve been saying that these institutions have mentally scarred me and that their forms of treatment are ineffective (to me). But I guess I had to get myself locked up in here to prove that point. I bet some still don’t believe that I’ve been through this hell before.

The reason why I’m not rich yet, is because I haven’t found any willing and suitable business partners yet. They should stay away from me with their psychiatric drugs, because that won’t change anything about that. It also won’t change the disappointment I have in my parents, for not wanting to invest in me, but still spending thousands of euros on takeout food and infrequently giving me cash I can only use for basic essentials, such as paying my bills when I don’t have enough money myself. I need a holiday ๐Ÿ™ .

I feel so weird for begging Vicje to save me… Because I have no other plans for freedom… As in that I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to suddenly spend so much time with. He seems like someone who will really appreciate my companionship. Someone who can understand the contents of my mind, and vice versa (though to understand his world, I need to witness it for a longer time, first, to learn, which is what I would truly love to do). But to come here, on the terrain of this institution, is so much to ask… I don’t know what to do, to get out of here and be happy…

In other news: this is my way of being provocative:

And the way the curtains turn my room orange is quite freaky…

Remember 180 Days of Fangs? They still don’t even know why they’re keeping me here. That’s how every session starts: “Please tell us why you’re here.” Your colleagues are supposed to document why I’m here and you’re supposed to add useful information to that file.

How can they already be thinking of prescribing psychiatric killer drugs to me, while they still don’t know why I’m here? How can they have an opinion about my blog, if they have only read about less than the last 5 days, and I’ve been at it for more than a year? It’s so fucked up when people who don’t understand you, have authority over you. The same goes for my parents…

Sad Catje ๐Ÿ™ . I really need some passionate kisses ๐Ÿ™ .


11:56 (AM)ย 

I passed out into dreamland a few times more. But I should really get out of bed and eat something… I should also do my laundry soon… I’m almost out of sleepwear (I’m wearing because I have slight mysophobia and wearing something makes me feel as if I’m not able to catch anything from laying in a public bed…)…

Before I drifted off to sleep, I was thinking of why I always have “unapproachable” men and women on my mind… [One of the many reasons why (jealous) proletarians call my ambitions “unrealistic” and “impossible”. But if I could just make a name for myself, I could chill with people with names…]

And that I’m basically in love with someone I’ve spent very little time with. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of the type of relationship we could have? I don’t know if – but do really hope – it could be like that in real life. Finishing each other’s sentences and being all cuddly and stuff, but also able to be very serious and as if we’re not even dating, when we have to. But I fear being yelled at, which often happens in relationships in general, though ๐Ÿ™ . Then again, I have a strong feeling he really is sweet and wouldn’t treat me like that, because I would never treat him like that… But then again, maybe I should get started with breaking my own heart, because my e-mail address is blocked… But that could also have been someone else’s decision “to help him move on”, blocking my mail address, if he’s in love with me as well… 😻 (& #x1F63B;) In theory, I’m easy to fall in love with…

We’d have to live through a lot of negative judgment, maybe, but we’re doing that already anyway. It would be much nicer to do it together…

Meow my heart is scared of being shattered for the zillionth time thoughhh…

Does the world only consist of people who want me to change my behavior, or are there also some people who understand and appreciate my decisions (and companionship)? I’m worried about my future ๐Ÿ™ . I can only succeed with those who can understand me…

Meowsss I’m going to brush my teeth and head downstairs… xxx


16:22 (04:22 PM)

Low key super sad catje ๐Ÿ™

Slipper swag

Wish I had a reason to smile… And I need prescription shades… Instead of fucking prescription drugs gtfo…

Well I guess I’m going to the mall again, because sitting inside is boring as fuck and I need healthy-ish food…

As I’ve been saying over a year, if I’d be able to buy a house – if only I had a share of family capital – I would not be in this powerless situation. Now death is the only solution I see, because I still have nothing else to talk about, with my mother, and she has the authority to send me here whenever the fuck she wants to, which causes a vicious cycle for me. What if she’s the schizophrenic, for believing I’ll never run my own multinational business? She and others who consider my ambition a symptom of schizophrenia. Do you think putting me away here will change the fact that I want you dead because then you’re off my back?

They will keep trying to put me on the psychiatric drugs one of my doctors in Germany has proven me to be intolerant of. I deserve a trial for this. They just don’t go for it, because they know no lawyer can win the fight against me and I don’t have money for a lawyer and my parents are in the other corner of the ring, on this one…

I wish I could just find investors for my multi-component business and have no time for this psychiatric nonsense. They’re the ones giving me the most mental issues anyway. Damn.

Of course not every person who works here is a demon, and not every patient is competent. That is one of the many reasons why I’m pleading for an alteration of the system we’re living in. Sure, I’d love to solve that by talking with people. But some are just too dumb, and that is why I see the flooding of the Netherlands as the best physical solution to this problem.

This all feels kinda Mein Kampf-ish… But in this case, using comparisons like that makes it easier for anyone to understand that the next war in this world will be personality-based. We can’t keep going on like this. The system needs reform. There’s not even time for the “Why?” debate simple-minded people want to hold. The question is whether you dare to give me authority or not…

I wonder if every country in the world has a psychatric industry like this one. And if “psychiatric resorts” with pools and nurses giving you fresh orange juice etc. exist… If yes: please, sign me up… Hahaha…

I’m waiting until my phone is charged a little – because I use my phone quite often… My battery was low after this morning already. When it’s at 25%, I’ll head outside. To buy thights, more short-sleeved clothing, a bottle of water (because I have the feeling there are psychiatric drugs in the food and drinks and stuff here…)… And some food…


19:37 (07:32 PM)

My Stratagem is still going according to plan, as far as I can guarantee my own safety. I’m showing people all over the world, the flaws of the system in person. The mental prison I’m now in for the second time, I personally find the greatest flaw.

I hope that, somewhere out there, there are people who agree with the fact that I’m much better off starting a new life elsewhere, and that they would like to offer me shelter and support with my endeavor for global change. This is living proof that I’m much better off without those who currently claim my presence. There are people out there wishing to speak to me, and they’re not even getting that chance…

The awful truth:

I’m glad people are anticipating on the pictures I make…

My appetizer…

My main… I still can’t believe they’re so convinced that I have schizophrenia. Echt fucking onzin x_x.

I’m in love… I keep being distracted from sexy fantasies I want to become real, but I’m afraid that the feeling won’t be mutual and my heart will be broken ๐Ÿ™ :

Recognizable for all Cuddles and Graeynissis I’m around:

De-privatize the health care system bitte:

This Catje is being sexy on my mind all day:

Meoww… As my belly is stuffed, it feels like bed time all over again…

Please think about sheltering me and/or forming an alliance with me and other secret supporters of mine… Please!!! ♥

I love my sexy fantasies the most when it’s bed time 😻

Good night 😘


Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Campaigning D.O.C.I.S…. [Wednesday, May 22, 2019]

02:13 (AM)

Weet je waarom ik eigenlijk niets zei, toen er vragen gesteld konden worden…? Omdat ik anders ruzie zou starten…

Zie dit als een krantenkop: “Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?”

Wie is dan wie, in de deep-state? I’m still trying to dissolve it…

Ik heb niet genoeg ruimte om dan te zeggen: “De lijsttrekker is niet elke stem in de partij. Als in het gebeurt mede in zijn naam, maar hij gaat daar niet zitten.” Dus het volgende is niet op hem van toepassing:

“Een zetel in het Europese Parlement, om daar over niet in het Europese Parlement zitten te praten?” Waarom ga je daar dan in de eerste instantie heen? Ga dan toch helemaal niet? Het klinkt toch een beetje…. Jaa dom…?

Als de media die discussie daarover begint op een live stream, zou ik iets negatiefs doen tegenover degene die ik juist wil steunen.

Ik moet mijn websites afmaken, maar ik ben moe… Ik heb honger, en zou – later pas terwijl mijn maag nu knort – boodschappen moeten doen, omdat ik, hoewel ik alles dat me eetbaar lijkt, eet, zelfs niet al het verse eten in Nederland, lekker vind… Ah help x_x.

Nexit betekent toch: “Niet naar het buitenland gaan, om over de problemen in je eigen land te discussiรซren, en handel op basis van individuele bondgenootschappen, in plaats van vriendjespolitiek.” ยฟ

Brexit, Nexit, Espexit, Frexit, Itexit, Dexit… That’s it ๐Ÿ˜€ . #DOCIS…
10:50 (AM)

Ik werd wakker met twee dilemma’s:

  1. Ik wil zelfmoord plegen, maar mijn moeder is thuis.
  2. Ik probeer te sterven van de honger – want ik wil echt niet naar de supermarkt – maar dat lukt me nooit.

Ik ben de manier waarop ik word behandeld echt ZO FUCKING ZAT.

  2. De mensen die nog steeds denken dat ik zwakbegaafd ben, tegen wie ik beleefd blijf omdat, wanneer ik diegene met eigen handen het leven ontneem, ik zo veel meer haters zal krijgen dat ik nergens meer veilig zal zijn. Ik ben in mijn eigen fucking huis NIET EENS FUCKING VEILIG.

Iedereen kent mij serieus zogenaamd niet? Voor wat er TWEE JAAR GELEDEN gebeurde, was ik al een aardig bekend gezicht. Erna… Jullie publiciteit heeft mijn imago levenslang internationaal beschadigd. Het enige wat ik nog kan doen is ertegenin schreeuwen en laten zien DAT IK TOCH ECHT HELEMAAL ZELF MIJN FUCKING VETERS KAN STRIKKEN. “Pas op de FUCKING GROTE RUIMTE TUSSEN DE DEUR EN WAAR JE NU STAAT.” IK BEN NIET FUCKING BLIND!?! IK WIL JE FUCKING HULP NIET.


De maat is echt vol na meer dan twee uur te hebben GESTAAAAAAAAAAAN. Lil Fangs een stoel aanbieden? Lil Fangs spreektijd geven? Lil Fangs een mail laten sturen naar “Je praat te lang?” Nee. Ik ben de beste schrijfster in de hele fucking wereld, en je weet het.

Ik wil echt nooit meer naar buiten. Ik wil graag geen mensen meer zien, horen en spreken. Ik wil niet meer tot na de verkiezingen wachten, met mijn volgende poging. Weet je hoe erg ik programmeren eigenlijk haat? En waarom probeer ik het eigenlijk nog?

Eenzaamheid is dodelijk.


11:51 (AM)ย 

Ik heb echt zin om de hele dag in mijn bed te blijven liggen. Maar dan krijg ik sowieso weer gezeik over dat ik niets doe. Dat incasseren dan maar…

Mijn dilemma is echt grappig. Gewoon die “Wat doe je?”, wanneer ik mezelf probeer te verhangen.

Een akelig feit: het aantal views van deze post is nep. I was so bold to add a 2, when there were 22 views. So now there actually are 38 views, instead of 238. This is, in actuality, not a popular post.

I can never be popular, because I’m consciously using an overly stigmatized name, and after the “”SHE’S MISSING” *”two minutes later”* “SHE’S NOT MISSING ANYMORE””-campaign [comes with the looks…], I became stigmatized as publicity poison. (That’s why I’m very fond of my publicity poison idols. Who are unfortunately breaking my heart with their political distance…)

Ik ga het nog steeds proberen, hoor. Eerst even wachten tot ze weg is. Lig nog steeds in bed. Met dezelfde honger.


12:51 (PM)ย 

Dat ik doodga als een soort Rembrandt, doet me het meeste pijn. “Pas ontdekt nadat haar familie haar levenloze lichaam in huis vond.” De haat die ik voel is werkelijk grenzeloos, omdat ik in realiteit niet onbekend ben, maar gewoon genegeerd word.


13:47 (01:47 PM)ย 

I don’t want to die not knowing who my biological father is. I know I love him very dearly.

After this painful B situation, the new theories about the deep-state in my life, sound so crazy:

Did I dream that “B’s doppelganger” [my B is the person on the other side of my brain-to-brain communication] attempted to have sex with me in an isolation cell in the police station here, or did that actually happen?

Is it possible that, three years ago, twice there was a different lecturer, who looked a lot like the man I met – together with my mother and a friend of her – last Friday, and that he was there because he loves me so much?

There at two lectures, the office once and the police station after COPS I WANT TO KILL SOOOOOOOO FUCKING BADDDDDDDDDDDD forced me to sip their cup of poisonous shit and put me in an isolation cell, because brain-to-brain communication is still real and in my head I keep telling him that he has very good reasons to just say fuck it and come spend far too much time with me ๐Ÿ™ .

Ik kan met droge ogen dood willen gaan en traumas herleven, omdat dat altijd al mijn hele leven is geweest. Ik schrijf nog steeds alleen pas in detail over de afgelopen twee jaar. Daarvoor was het niet veel beter. Ik mis mijn opa nog steeds, omdat we zulke goede zakenpartners geweest hadden kunnen zijn ๐Ÿ™ . En hij was zo lief ๐Ÿ™ . Mensen met een karakter als dat van hem, zijn bijna uitgestorven ๐Ÿ™ .


14:09 (02:09 PM)ย 

I am now so clueless about who my B is… I’d kill to see those luminescent turquoise eyes again. He’s so tall that without making myself smaller, I can rest my head against his chest…

Sympathize with me on this one:

  • I finished my gymnasium in 7 years.
  • I’m black.
  • I quit the international economicsย  programme I had been allowed into, after 3 months already.
  • I’m female.
  • I’m tall.
  • My voice is deep but still feminine (it’s my height and that fucking Dutch food).
  • I went missing “for two minutes”.
  • I might be part Italian, which would mean that my last name is very incorrect. Italian people are often discriminated (sometimes in ways worse than black people are treated) in the Netherlands (and still it’s one of the top Dutch holiday locations… Ga jij eens heeeel gauw Nexit…).
  • I live in a white country. In the country where my roots lie, I’m seen as white. Here, “I’m black.”
  • My family will assassinate me, if I tell the truth about them.
  • Because I’m very intelligent, I can’t communicate smoothly with some.
  • My style is too intuitive for some to understand it without an extensive explanation.

Do you understand why I ask for your genuine sympathy?


14:41 (02:41 PM)ย 

Here I go again, starting something over “nothing”:

Harassment, de kaboela bus, culture pressure to behave like the flock… There are so many topics I have a very extensive opinion about…
15:35 (03:35 PM)

Still waiting to hear the alarm system indicate that someone is leaving the house… Then I can at least eat something and smoke “the enemy of the state” indica I bought yesterday.


15:49 (03:49 PM)

Hear hear…

Finally, it’s time for a peaceful lonely first meal of the day…


Blog, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

Lekker mezelf zijn terwijl die hartverscheurende Cold Case helaas nog steeds niet is afgesloten

– – – – 09/05/’19


Ik heb me echt lang niet zo vrij gevoeld.

Wat mijn blog content betreft val ik ontzettend in herhaling. Minstens tot en met mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen, zal ik daarom offline zijn. Wel zal ik af en toe mijn e-mail checken, dus als je me wil bereiken, kan dat via

Ik werd zo geconsumeerd door het schrijven om mijn concept en identiteit te definiรซren, dat ik vergat dat alles online eigenlijk waardeloos is.

Ik hoop dat de technologie zich zodanig verder zal ontwikkelen, dat het concept van de online persoonlijkheid zal verdwijnen, en het leven zelf een uiterst bovennatuurlijke ervaring wordt. Daar zet ik me voor in.

En voor Cuddles ๐Ÿ˜€ . Because I love youuu ♥

Ik wil mijn samenkomst met dr. Crutzen sowieso op camera vastleggen. Hopelijk zien jullie vanaf dan (of misschien zelfs eerder al) mijn ware, (monocratische, maar open voor goed advies) gezicht.

Tot snel, mijn lief ♥

– – – – 06/05/’19

De Rest van de Strategie

Het filmpje hierboven is belangrijke uitleg. Verder is, zoals de afgelopen twee jaar, mijn strategie wachten tot ik dr. Crutzen na die ontzettend lange tijd eindelijk mag zien en we verder kunnen praten over hoe we het Stratagem eindelijk in de praktijk kunnen brengen, featuring other Graeynissis ๐Ÿ˜€ .

Morgen ga ik een nieuw filmpje in het Nederlands maken, tenzij mijn bevrijding vervroegd wordt (is wat ik iedere dag hoop, meer dan de afgelopen twee jaar).

Youtube & korte filmpjes

Mijn publiceren is op dit moment lekker all over the place en hier zijn dus nog wat meer filmpjes die nog niet in dit “artikel” stonden, in semi-publicatievolgorde:

Ik ga nu mijn powerpoint voor mijn praten over de link tussen Fangyisme en D.O.C.I.S. International afmaken, dat filmen en koken. Of mijn filmpje voor of na het eten af is weet ik nog niet… xxx

– – – – 01/05/’19


Normaal gesproken deel ik in mijn dagboek dat ik aan het koken ben. Vandaag deed ik dat op Instagram ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Beetje beschamend, want het kan natuurlijk niet op tegen al die gelikte kookvideos die je overal kan zien.)


Ik heb ook een filmpje gedeeld van toen ik piano aan het spelen was & toen ik in de sportschool was.

Mijn hoeveelheid volgers, likes, views et cetera is echt zwaar deprimerend.

– – – – 29/04/’19

Praten tegen een muur

Zo voelt dit. Dit is niet het eind resultaat van mijn werk. Maar dat wist je natuurlijk al, omdat je alles al gelezen hebt :). [Dat was mijn depressie gecombineerd met PTSS die zich uitte in deze sarcastische opmerking die is veroorzaakt door het treurige feit dat iemand die nu pas begint met kijken waar dit allemaal eigenlijk over gaat, zo veel in te halen heeft dat de manier waarop er op deze strategie geanticipeerd zou moeten worden, voor diegene niet 1 2 3 duidelijk is.]

– – – 25/04/’19

Ik wil echt godverdomme uit huis

Het is weer “business as usual”. Het probleem is dat ik dit leven achter me wil laten – inclusief de mensen – maar ik hiervoor het kapitaal niet heb. Ik ga hoe dan ook vandaag weg. Ook al slaap ik weer minstens 3 dagen buiten, net als in 2017. Ik ben zooo klaar met deze man. Echt. Hier eerst een voorproefje.ย 


Intussen doe ik wat web en social media onderhoud. Ik ben onder andere bezig met het instellen van Push Notificaties, zodat ik binnenkort geen gebruik meer hoef te maken van andere social media. Heb jij het notificatieverzoek al gekregen?

– – – – 23/04/’19

Ik ben moe

Na meer dan een jaar lang continu een lange en diverse reeks aan boeken en blog posts schrijven – die niemand leest – voelen mijn hersenen aan alsof ze het ieder moment kunnen begeven. Ik ben daardoor ook te vermoeid – en pici teleurgesteld – om te denken aan een nieuwe low-budget (door de diversiteit, mijn ongeschooldheid en mijn lage inkomen kan ik geen aanspraak maken op kapitaal) manier om mijn concept te innoveren, omdat dat me weer veel tijd en hersencapaciteit gaat kosten. Daarnaast vind ik dat mijn andere publicaties nog niet genoeg aandacht hebben gekregen voor iets nieuws.

Dus dit artikel zal steeds bovenaan blijven staan, omdat ik de datum zal blijven updaten naar de datum waarop ik een stuk tekst toevoeg ๐Ÿ™‚ . Intussen wacht ik ook op de heropening van mijn Cold Case (over mijn vermissing, over de onterechte imagoschade en privacyschending, over de criminele manier waarop de politie me heeft behandeld, over de onterechte diagnose schizofrenie en de hartverscheurende gevolgen daarvan, de manier waarop ik mijn hele leven al financieel aan de grond gehouden word, et cetera), die als het goed is mid-mei plaatsvindt. (Maar intussen heb ik nog steeds geen vast inkomen ๐Ÿ™ . Ik kan pas echt goed werken wanneer mijn naam gezuiverd is en niet meer als schizofreen word gestigmatiseerd.)



Sinds de publicatie van dit artikel (de 21ste van de maand April), ben ik zeer actief geweest op Twitter, voor promotie. Ik kon het ook niet laten om me gelijk met allerlei politieke discussies te bemoeien.

Voor het behouden van een uitlaatklep, terwijl ik mijn hersenen wat rust geef en wacht tot mijn publicaties hun welverdiende aandacht hebben gehad (GRRRRR OP MINSTENS DE ZELFDE SCHAAL ALS DIE LEUGEN VAN EEN VERMISSINGSCAMPAGNE), zal ik daar nu wat actiever op zijn.

Het is ook een wat toegankelijkere manier van corresponderen, voor mensen die eerst nog wat meer willen zien voordat ze mijn blog bezoeken.

Solliciteren = huilen

Als ik een euro zou krijgen voor elke keer dat een bedrijf/recruiter/whatever me een, “Probeer het maar ergens anders,” bericht heeft gestuurd, zou ik inmiddels met pensioen kunnen.

En dat terwijl ik eigenlijk absoluut niet in loondienst wil gaan werken. Ik wil graag een baan die bij mijn intelligentie past, maar de meeste banen voor mijn leeftijd en opleidingsniveau, vallen zwaar onder dat niveau.

Het allerliefst zou ik voor vele bedrijven en individuen als een inhuurbare propagandist werken. Met kortetermijncontracten. Maar daarvoor heb ik een netwerk en aanbevelingen nodig, en die heb ik beiden niet ๐Ÿ™ .


Indien je/u meer achtergrondinformatie over dit blog wil, raad ik de volgende zoektermen aan: (Door die termen te zoeken, door op de loep rechtsbovenaan het scherm te klikken, vind u/je namelijk een aantal typische Lil Fangs blogberichten.)

  • Schizophrenia / psychotic / psychosis / psychotisch / schizofrenie (= dat ongevraagde wat ik probeer aan te vechten, want ik ben het niet met dat stigma eens)
  • Missing
  • Justice
  • Police
  • Nosce Te Ipsum
  • D.O.C.I.S. International
  • The Head Cuddle / brain-to-brain communication (is hetzelfde, maar The Head Cuddle is mijn zelfverzonnen dialect voor het device)
  • Sea level / water level / zeespiegel
  • My B

– – – 21/04/’19


Het grappigste van deze hele website is dat ik mezelf steeds uitdruk in het Engels, terwijl dat mijn eerste taal helemaal niet is. Ik vind gewoon dat de politieke verwevenheid van Nederland in alle andere landen ter wereld gewoon een keer goed onder de loep genomen moet worden (want hier is veeeeel meer aan de hand), en dat we dat moeten gebruiken als het begin van de nu zeer hoog nodige internationale hervorming (een voorbeeld van een internationale connectie is het Nederlands belastingsysteem dat als een mafiabaas is die altijd “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MONEY!?” schreeuwt, zodra je hier een cent verdiend hebt of hier geboren bent, en dat dat echt anders moet [het noemt zichzelf een belastingparadijs (Google het maar: “Nederland belastingparadijs”), maar dat is geen waarheid, maar valse marketing en PR], want dat geld wordt niet goed besteed), en daarvoor wil ik mezelf als uitgangspunt gebruiken, gezien mijn extreem diverse lijst van talenten, aspiraties, gewoontes en wettelijke wensen. Het Engels is een een stuk toegankelijkere taal. (Het wordt meer gesproken, wereldwijd onderwezen en cursussen zijn heeeeel makkelijk te vinden, ongeacht waar je woont. Maar gelukkig kan er ook online vertaald worden – gezien deze post in het Nederlands is – hoewel dat niet altijd even accuraat is.)

Dit is stiekem wel een heel interessant verhaal

Daarnaast zullen veel verschillende mensen zich kunnen herkennen in mijn verhaal. Dat ik bijvoorbeeld zwart ben, maar de Nederlandse nationaliteit mijn enige nationaliteit is, is een lang verhaal dat begint met slavernij, wat ik met vele andere kleurlingen [denk bijvoorbeeld aan African-Americans (die niet weten waar hun voorouders precies vandaan komen ๐Ÿ™ ) en Nederland dat (slavenkolonie) Nieuw Amsterdam ( = New York) aan de Britten overgaf, in ruil voor Suriname] gemeen heb. Er zijn misschien zelfs meer Surinamers uit Suriname in Nederland, dan er Surinamers in Suriname zijn. Het is niet echt te tellen, want eens was Suriname onderdeel van het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden (tot 1975). En mijn geboorteplaats is Rotterdam. Ik ben, van mijn familie, de derde generatie in Nederland.

“Ojo Lil Fangs is altijd vet onduidelijk waar gaat het nou eigenlijk over ze legt het niet eens uit bla bla bla”

Ik heb deze post gemaakt omdat ik in de stemming ben om mijn gedachten zo puur mogelijk te delen, en die betrekking hebben op zo veel verschillende onderwerpen, dat ik het maar op deze manier ga aanpakken. Ik denk dat het een fijnere gebruikerservaring is, wanneer je niet naar een volgend artikel hoeft door te klikken voor de volgende dag. Vandaar dat het nu รฉรฉn artikel wordt voor alle levensfilosofie en random gedachten, zolang ik nog in deze beroerde situatie leef. Met mijn eigen verdere bezigheden zal ik u wekelijks updaten ๐Ÿ™‚ . Ik voeg alles aan deze post toe, tot ik eindelijk gehoor heb gekregen wat betreft mijn cold case. Ik ben geen schizofreen en had die diagnose NOOOOOOOOOOOIT mogen krijgen. (Dat verhaal komt in vrijwel iedere persoonlijke post voor [voorbeeldje] en ik houd er eigenlijk echt niet van om mezelf meer dan twee keer te herhalen omdat mensen de moeite niet willen nemen om te lezen wat ik nog meer heb geschreven. (Zo erg dat ik er pittig fel van kan worden.))

Een beetje respect zou ik wel fijn vinden

Ik wil echt veel liever met “u” aangesproken worden, trouwens. Vooral omdat mensen echt fuuuuucking respectloos zijn tegen mij, en ze dan alsnog fucking respect van mij verwachten!? Ik wil dan dat het de gewoonte wordt om me met “u” aan te spreken, omdat ik in mijn verbale communicatie altijd mijn best doe om lief en respectvol voor iemand te zijn. Plus, ik wil graag wat meer respect voor mijn intelligentie. Vooral van mensen die echt fucking dom รฉn respectloos zijn. Ik doe dit namelijk ook voor hen.

Waarom nog meer Nederland als startpunt?

Publieke stock trading begon met de Nederlandse piraterij en slavernij. De VOC en later ook de WIC. (Voel je vrij om de feiten te controleren door je eigen onderzoek te doen, in case you do not believe me.) Vandaag de dag zijn vele mensenlevens verweven in de aandelenmarkt. (Niet de mijne, in de zin van zelf geen aandelen bezitten. Maar in mijn omgeving hebben ONTZETTENDDDD veel mensen aandelen. En volgens mij zijn de Nederlandse pensioenfondsen nu afhankelijk van bitcoins en wapenhandel. (Dat men รผberhaupt nog steeds denkt dat een pensioenfonds de verdere vergrijzing aan zal kunnen…… Het is echt tijd voor hervorming.)) Ik heb de correlatie tussen de aandelenmarkt en uitstoot al een aantal keren uitgelegd. En waarom de waarde van geld gebaseerd zou moeten worden op wat er op dit moment in de natuur beschikbaar is ( = niet zo veel). We moeten het gesprek dat werkelijk gevoerd moet worden – dat gesprek waarvoor velen wegdeinzen [haha I see you ๐Ÿ™‚ ] – ECHTTTTT NIET langer uit de weg gaan.

Gemeenheid is onderdeel van de Nederlandse cultuur, en dit verspreidt zich over andere culturen, als een soort epidemie. Niet alleen door het piraten- en slavernijverleden (die als “heldendaden” worden gezien). Een ander voorbeeld is dat vele Nederlanders een gesprek beginnen door middel van een belediging.

Gisteren, bijvoorbeeld, toen ik door de supermarkt liep met een trench coat aan, terwijl de rest van de mensen in t-shirts en korte jurkjes enzo rond liep, en ik een verre kennis tegen het lijf liep, was het eerste wat hij tegen me zei, nadat ik hem begroet had met “Hallo” en hem later weer tegen het lijf liep in een ander deel van de winkel, “Je ziet er uit alsof het winter is,” zei. En als ik dan “Hou je bek gewoon als je niks te zeggen hebt, want dit is toch geen manier om een fucking gesprek te starten,” zeg, dan ben ik weer fout. Daarom zei ik: “Het weer kan zomaar omslaan. Ik ben graag voorbereid.” The truth is: gister was het niet zo warm en ik kom de afgelopen twee jaar niet zo vaak buiten, dus de trench coat was een impulsieve keuze, en ik vind een luchtige trench coat aan doen met 23 graden echt niet zo winters. Met die opmerking zeg je indirect dat iemand zich niet normaal gedraagt. Op die manier vind ik het een woordenwisseling die helemaal niet plaats had hoeven vinden. Ik voel me namelijk al kut genoeg zonder die kutopmerking. Voor de gemiddelde Nederlander is een gesprek als in dat voorbeeld normaal. Ik hoop dat ik niet de enige ben die daar een ontzettende bloedhekel aan heeft.

En dan nog niet eens te beginnen over zwarte piet en hoe vaak ik daar niet mee vergeleken ben in mijn jeugd. Fucking walgelijk en barbaars. En de haat die er wordt verspreid door Nederlandse nieuwsmedia en BNners.

Ik vind dat de mensen die niet respectvol met elkaar kunnen omgaan, van elkaar gescheiden moeten worden. Zo kunnen alleen de mensen die met elkaar overweg kunnen, met elkaar samen leven, en is de wereld een een stuk vreedzamere plek. De mensen die ruzie zoeken met alles en iedereen moeten echt verrrrr uit mijn buurt blijven ๐Ÿ™‚ . (Dat is maar 1/1000 van mijn hele idee voor maatschappijhervorming.)

Vrolijk Pasen!

Vrolijk Pasen! ๐Ÿ™‚

Ik snap niet waarom een moeder besluit om uitgerekend op Eerste Paasdag met รฉรฉn dochter (en haar vriendje) + kennissen naar Spanje te vertrekken (ik zei eerder Portugal, maar het is dus Spanje), en ik nu alleen zal zijn met mijn “vader” en twee oma’s, die niet eens zijn uitgenodigd voor het restaurant diner van vanavond. Een diner samen met andere mensen die “waarschijnlijk” niet eens mijn biologische familie zijn. Snapt iemand anders dit?

Uit solidariteit heb ik wat boodschappen gedaan om morgen een brunch voor te bereiden voor mijn oma’s (alleen dat is “oma” en oma, als mijn “vader” mijn vader niet blijkt te zijn, na een DNA test, die nog steeds uitgevoerd moet worden) en “vader”, morgen.

Eerlijkgezegd zou ik liever bij Benoรฎt of een andere Graeyniss aansluiten vandaag. En morgen. En voor altijd. Cishe :D.

Waarom ik niet mee ben gegaan naar Spanje? Omdat je daar geen kant op kan [ze gaan naar een vakantiehuis (van twee huisjes/huizen) op een heel afgelegen plek], en het vermaak dan aankomt op gesprekskwaliteit, en dan wordt het Suriname all over again ( = net zoals die vakanties daarheen), en dat houd ik niet langer vol dan een paar minuten. Ik word ontzettend snel geรฏrriteerd wanneer ik een gesprek te oppervlakkig vind, maar probeer dan tegelijkertijd nog beleefd te blijven, en na verloop van tijd gaat dat gewoon mis.

Hier kan ik eindeloos workaholic zijn, naar de sportschool gaan en Graeynissis stalken, en wordt er geen gezelligheid van me verwacht. En een baan zoeken haha meoww I hope I may hug this Vicje :D.

Nog een vraag

Probeert deze persoon hier te zeggen dat ze denkt dat er niet maar รฉรฉn auteur is op deze website? Want dat zou me echt FUCKING PISSIG maken. Ik word er namelijk SCHIJTZIEK van dat mensen me incompetent noemen/vinden. Dat anderen niet in staat zijn zo goed te schrijven als ik (op 22-jarige leeftijd), wil niet zeggen dat ik niet bovennatuurlijk getalenteerd kan zijn. Er is maar รฉรฉn Lil Fangs en ik zal dat dolgraag willen bewijzen en na dat bewezen te hebben het liefst even een beetje frustratie luchten.

Ik heb weliswaar, gezien ik ook de webdeveloper ben van zowel en Docis.International, voor mezelf, in verband met veiligheidsredenen, een administrator en een editors account aangemaakt, in plaats van alleen een administrators account te gebruiken, maar ik post de laatste tijd blog berichten vanaf beide accounts, dus vandaar dat het kan lijken alsof er meerdere auteurs op dit blog zijn.

Ik ben geen fucking fraudeur en iedereen die dat over mij durft te denken, mag sterven van mij. Waarom tf zou je een hele persoonlijke websites maken met de meest gedetailleerde persoonlijke ervaringen, op de meest hoge frequentie in de geschiedenis van de mensheid, maar dat dan niet eens zelf schrijven? Dat klinkt echt fucking dom.

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De uitgelichte afbeelding is gemaakt door Chevanon Photography, gedownload van

Gekozen omdat ik me (alleen) op als een vis in het water voel, en omdat Benoรฎt me in brain-to-brain communication pesce noemt en ik hem visje ๐Ÿ˜€ .