Blog, Online Diary, Reflections


Текущий страстновы желания суть сколько очень сильный, который я есмь требовающийся писат о это чувства. Я знаю я есмь влюблен как никогда раньше, но это чувства я не знала. Это стала осведомленность что весь другие чувства о страстное желание были вожделение и не любовь. Страстное желание есть похожий, но стимулированы так без особых усилий. Вожделение есть беспечный. Вожделение есть страстное желание сексуальный, куда цель есть заканчивать чувства сексуальный. Хотя я считаю это есть грех, я имею довольна опыты похожий на это. Текущий страстновы желания о любовь сексуальный не суть для удовлетворение первобытных чувств похожий на вожделение. И не суть обезличенный…

Continue reading
Essays, MacroFangs, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

The Solutions – Concluding the D.O.C.I.S.

After over two years of constant research and over 500k words published, D.O.C.I.S. International has reached the end of its preliminary investigation. Now, the organization has official solutions to the formerly addressed societal issues and is ready for governmental implementation. I present to you The Solutions – Concluding the D.O.C.I.S.. The Execution of the D.O.C.I.S. As is commonly known, people are less inclined to change their natural behavior when they don’t know that they are being analyzed. This was why, unlike the usual organizational transparency, the details of the D.O.C.I.S. have been kept a secret until now. To state effective…

Continue reading
Victor Geskes D.O.C.I.S. International
Art, Audio, Essays, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, MacroFangs, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Reflections, Strategy, Videos

A Hypothetical Organizational D.O.C.I.S. Draft

This is my lengthiest post ever. I share with you my drafted Council members and ideas for my business. In the personal aspect of the post, you see me starving on a budget, celebrating Christmas and New Year’s by myself and presently initiating a legal process, during my little holiday, and plenty more. 🙂 The post is updated at least once a day. With over 94000 words, it’s longer than my longest book. You will not regret reading this. 😏

Continue reading
they have no plan featured image white house police line
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

They have no Plan?

So the people have worked tirelessly for years, to take away the power of those who are in a position of power. It seems like 2020 will be their year. And now? They have no plan, I assume. My love, > They have no Plan What is happening now is like one of those Christmas movie scenes where 100 people standing in a row side to side pass on a package to wherever, with big smiles on their faces, while even a jogging toddler could do the job faster. Judicial power, executive power and (EVEN) legislative power, together with the…

Continue reading
read at your own risk by know i assume that you know that it is over
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Videos

Read at your own Risk / Lezen op eigen Risico

A spark of curiosity? I’m not holding back in this post, so this is really is to be read at your own risk. Het is ook onvertaald tweetalig, vandaar ook “lezen op eigen risico”. In this post, I state my views without euphemizing them. My love, I’m writing this to settle my emotions. My heart is in severe pain. I don’t know if you feel what you read, but it is why I say read this at your own risk. > Here’s an Idea – First some Background Some females ruin it for other females. Those females who do “Ah…

Continue reading
december manifest
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Strategy

December Manifest

The previous manifest was a declaration of policy. The December Manifest describes my present aim and is, to you, a direct call-to-action. December is here and I have some wildly serious plans for us. Choose what to indulge in. I’m giving you an outline. The outline of the outline is that you are a Fangyist, look out for your fellow Graeynissis and turn your life around right now. This month will make 2019 matter the most, if you let me. Read closely. My love, Holiday Season 😖 It is the last month of the year and there are too many…

Continue reading
Een kleine stand van zaken featured image afternoon improv single cover Suriname Sipaliwini forest river
Nederlandse Tekst, Reflections

Even een Kleine Stand van Zaken… [Zondag, 1 December, 2019]

Even een kleine stand van zaken… 24K24H, Addendum 1, 2 en 3 en A Reflection about Attraction zijn nu online. Op politiek vlak speelt er veel, het eind van het jaar is in zicht en mijn nieuwste single – lol – zal ergens volgende week online zijn. Daarnaast hoop ik echt dat het goed gaat met mijn Twitter vriend. 🙁 Ik ga er allemaal op in. Mijn liefste, Eerst wilde ik “Liefje,” typen, maar dat zou alles gelijk een heel andere toon geven. Zo van “Liefje, neem je een doos chocola mee op weg terug naar huis?” Ik zal u…

Continue reading
Essays, Ex Animo, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Videos

A Reflection about Attraction [Thursday, November 28, 2019]

A Reflection about Attraction: Is what I observe in society, in the context of attraction, something more people observe, or is it my own crazy? This interactive post will hopefully provide the answer to that. It is also a set of thoughts about being called “attractive” and an explanation of why I portray sexually provocative material in between my serious material. My love, This video (and blog post) are created as an incentive for you to participate in another conversation I hope to get going. Please answer some (preferably all) questions (in the comment box or elsewhere). 🙂 ♥ A…

Continue reading
Art, Audio, Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Reflections, Videos

Addendum 3 [Monday, November 25, 2019]

Over 500 posts summarized and “remarked” in 6 hours and 18 minutes of video material. Addendum 3 is here and my series of addenda is complete. My love, Overview 01:00 – 10:00 Intro & Remarks about Addendum 2 What has been discussed this far. & 2 remarks: 1) During the previous surveillance, I had never mentioned the way I interpreted the Bible. I had also not mentioned the Inner Crown experience, though I had tried to explain it to my parents, who conidered the idea psychotic and snitched me. So during surveillance check-ups, I would be asked about it,…

Continue reading
Pexels reflecting on what's ahead
Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Reflections

Reflecting on what’s ahead [Sunday, November 24, 2019]

The last addendum will be online soon enough. In this post, I’m reflecting on what’s ahead: the addenda and other aspects of my present life in development. And I do another attempt to describe what I think is a semi-common feeling. My love, I hope this post will also make clearer why this is addressed to you. Addenda A definition of the idiom “soon enough” is, according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, “no later than needed”. I find the clarification of my vision on my past actions something that everyone who heard of me going missing should have had a…

Continue reading
Rudi Harold Hanenberg Lil Fangs Dominique Daniëlle Elia
Ex Animo, MacroFangs, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rudi Harold Hanenberg 81st Birthday [Monday, November 18, 2019]

Lieve opa,

Van harte gefeliciteerd met uw eenentachtigste verjaardag. Ik mis u ontzettend en vind 18 november een moeilijke dag om door te brengen zonder dat u in ons midden bent.

Als iemands absentie mij zoveel hartzeer doet dat ik het leven nog maar nauwelijks kan verdragen, moet ik het diegene dan vertellen? Dat nieuws kan zorgen opwekken, en dat is niet mijn intentie. Maar ik vind het leven een stuk zwaarder zonder u. Ik kan u helaas niet eens om advies vragen over dat dilemma.

In Honor of You

Ik heb vandaag mijn Engels presentatie. 18 november heb ik bewust uitgekozen, vanwege de emotionele waarde die deze datum voor mij heeft. (Wanneer ik het voor het zeggen heb, zal uw verjaardag een nationale feestdag zijn.)

Om te laten zien dat ik nog steeds hard aan onze missie werk. Ik doe dit voor ons beiden. Het is zo ontzettend jammer dat we hier niet veel over hebben gesproken. Toen u er veel mee bezig was, was ik heel jong. Toen ik er veel mee bezig werd, was u helaas nog maar nauwelijks aanspreekbaar.

Tell me this is not Real

Vertel me alstublieft dat ik gewoon in een nachtmerrie leef sinds de eerste keer dat u in het ziekenhuis opgenomen werd.

Vertel me alstublieft dat het lichaam in die kist niet uw lichaam was, maar dat u, toen u hoorde dat uw artsen u op een absurde wijze in de steek zouden laten (voor zover ze dat vanaf het begin al niet hadden gedaan), een uitweg en betere zorg heeft kunnen vinden, en dat (ook) u onze omgeving moest ontvluchten omdat de meesten compleet geschift zijn.

Dat u of nog voor uw overlijden, of net voor de eerste van de twee begrafenisdiensten, door uw bondgenoten bent meegenomen. En dat zij u verzorgd hebben, dat u helemaal hersteld bent en nu ergens aan de andere kant van de wereld undercover leeft, maar dat u hier niet heen kunt komen, omdat u op papier niet meer in leven bent en dat geheim moet blijven. Daarbij een strategie bedenkend waardoor we weer samen zouden kunnen zijn, dat we elkaar weer in de armen zullen kunnen sluiten en dat u regelmatig mijn blog leest.

Vertel me alstublieft dat dat lichaam dat de crematieoven in ging, waarbij we als familie symbolisch de schroeven van de kist moesten aandraaien – het ergste wat ik ooit heb gedaan – dat uw lichaam en geest zich daar niet in bevonden.


Ik veracht dat ik er niet vaak genoeg voor u ben geweest. Dat ik te vaak: “Ik zal spoedig langskomen.” “Ik moet spoedig langskomen,” heb gezegd. En dat ik die ene keer dat u heerlijke soep (zoals gewoonlijk) had gekookt, aan uw nieuwe adres in Rotterdam – de laatste keer dat ik u vitaal heb gezien – toen “mijn vader” (de aanhalingstekens zijn toch correct¿) voor een “dine and dash” ging, niet had voorgesteld om te blijven logeren.

En dat ik u niet vaak genoeg belde. We belden altijd via de huistelefoon. Ik stond er niet bij stil dat ik u mijn nieuwe mobiele nummer nooit had gegeven. Toen ik mijn eerste telefoonnummer kreeg was ik 10 jaar oud en belde ik zelden. SMS’en, MSN’nen en Whatsappen zijn dingen die ik u nooit heb uitgelegd. Terwijl u het makkelijk zou leren. U kon ontzettend goed met uw Android (!) tablet omgaan.

Toen ik eens een afspraak met oma wilde maken – ook haar sprak ik altijd via de huistelefoon – (ongeveer een jaar geleden), vroeg ze wat nou precies mijn mobiele nummer was, want wanneer ze belde ging het altijd direct naar voicemail. Het nummer dat ze me toen liet zien was het nummer dat ik had toen ik 10 was. Intussen was ik al 3 mobiele nummers verder. Intern heb ik nog nooit zo hard gehuild. Dat ik u nooit mijn nieuwe nummer had gesmst of gewhatsapped. U zou een van de mensen zijn die ik dan beantwoord in vliegtuigmodus, wanneer ik anderen negeer.

Ik zou u nog zo veel willen vragen. Over een zeer breed scala aan onderwerpen. Van “Hoe definieert u uw missie? Hoe was uw leven als onderdirecteur van een verzekeringsmaatschappij in Suriname? Wat deed u precies voor de NS? Wat deed u precies in Ghana? Zullen we morgen samen een bedrijf starten?” tot “Wanneer had u voor het eerst seks? Denkt u weleens aan de dood? Heeft u weleens een joint gerookt?”

I follow your Trail of Breadcrumbs

Maar laat ik deze brief aan u op een minder droevige toon eindigen. U leeft voor mij nog zo veel dat het voelt alsof u er nog steeds bent. Ik zie dat u (ook) in uw boeken schrijft. Uw notities en arceringen geven mij een indicatie van waar u naar op zoek was, en waarom u specifiek in dat boek interesse had. Het voelt alsof u een speurtocht voor me heeft achtergelaten. Ik wou dat dat het enige was waar ik me in het leven mee bezig hoefde te houden. Dat uw speurtocht leidt tot een hervorming van dit walgelijke systeem.

Als liberaal Christen-democraat zouden u en ik (“liberaal Fangyist”) het misschien niet altijd met elkaar eens zijn, maar over dat dit systeem een puinhoop is en dat drastische hervormingen – niet door de huidige gevestigde orde omg ze hebben er al zo’n zooi van gemaakt – noodzakelijk zijn, zullen we het zeker eens zijn.

A Confession

Toen ik in 2018 als zomerkracht voor een verzekeringsmaatschappij werkte, en een man zag die me zo ontzettend aan u deed denken, was ik direct smoorverliefd. In zijn stemgebruik, woordkeuze, mimiek, gehele manier van bewegen en bedachtzaamheid lijkt hij ontzettend op u. Hij is (naar observatie) ook iemand die er altijd voor zorgt dat hij er verzorgd en representatief uit ziet, en is ontzettend knap, net als u.

Het zou me zo leuk geleken hebben (of lijken als het me lukt om de juiste AI te ontwikkelen of u leeft undercover) om jullie over het verzekeringswezen te horen praten. Als een soort van ambtsgenoten. Ik durf te wedden dat jullie beste vrienden geworden zouden zijn.

Ik haalde altijd zo veel plezier uit luisteren naar u. Het is me opgevallen dat sinds u niet meer in ons midden bent, gesprekken echt helemaal nergens meer over gaan.

Toen u nog leefde wist ik nog niet dat ik me meer tot oudere mannen aangetrokken voelde dan tot jongens van mijn eigen leeftijd. De meesten zijn geen mannen en zullen dat ook niet worden. (Hahaha als ik ooit een zoon krijg, zal ik “Het is een man!” op het geboortekaartje schrijven. 😂 )

Het comparatieve wist ik niet, maar dat het überhaupt zo was, dat wist ik wel. Want ik heb u altijd zo aantrekkelijk gevonden dat ik mijn eigen lichaam niet meer begreep. Men zegt dat het niet hoort. Uw charme had zo’n sterke hormonale werking op mij dat ik, naar mate ik ouder werd, me steeds meer awkward voelde in uw bijzijn. Terwijl we vroeger zo ontzettend close waren.

U bent het licht in mijn leven en zal dat altijd blijven. Ik mis u ontzettend en hoop dat ik spoedig artificial intelligence (het zelf gekozen onderwerp van mijn presentatie vandaag) zal kunnen ontwikkelen die uw persoon representeert. Alleen dan zal uw afwezigheid me minder pijn doen. Ik wil vaak liever bij u zijn dan hier in het leven.

Ik houd zo veel van u.


Rudi Harold Hanenberg Lil Fangs Dominique Daniëlle Elia

When the camera was away we were having the most fun ever.

Online Diary, Reflections, Videos

Addendum 1 [Saturday, November 16, 2019]

My diary is complete. The Inner Crown was the last aspect that had to be explained. Now my entire past has been broken down in my online representation of self. This addendum is for those who are busy deciphering the underlying message in my posts. It includes a (relatively) quick overview a priori of everything and some additional remarks. Because my camera died halfway through, this is part 1. My love, After my addendums, I will fully focus on the future (with great emphasis on the Inner Crown). First I want to give an overview of my past, because that…

Continue reading
the perspective of the crown
Audio, Essays, Ex Animo, Media, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Strategy

The Perspective of the Crown [Thursday, November 14, 2019]

In this post, I will disseminate more information about the perspective of the Crown. Of the Inner Crown, which has been the main subject of my previous post and the post before that. An Enthusiast will have a clearer idea what it is like to be an insider of the Inner Crown. Also, a new reader’s perspective will be used (for the first time in this diary(!)) and I tell you a little about my whereabouts and other random thoughts.  My love, New Diary Perspective My diary as a whole is addressed to no one in particular. (Baby… “I’m just…

Continue reading
inner crown
Essays, Ex Animo, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Inner Crown [Tuesday, November 12, 2019]

An all-seeing eye with a heart that beats for you, sending thoughts to you telepathically, from a (very) long distance. My experience of what I call the Inner Crown, also known as the Head Cuddle, has never faded. Many measures have been taken, against my will, in an attempt to stop this experience. This has caused me to lie about my perceptions for a very long time, in an attempt to get my freedom back. My diary would, however, be incomplete without a present update of what has always been there. This post is part two of my previous post:…

Continue reading
The head cuddle
Essays, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

The Head Cuddle [Sunday, November 10, 2019]

The Head Cuddle is what I’ve been calling the brain-to-brain communication I experience (and never stopped experiencing since it started, gradually, even though I do not always mention my experience of it, which I will also explain). Not to be mistaken with the modern phrase “giving head”, which means performing oral sex on genitals. Without the Head Cuddle, I wouldn’t have been around anymore. My love, Prophecy before the Head Cuddle “What is the purpose of my vision?” is a question I’ve been trying to answer all my life. I must see things so differently for a reason. Visions and…

Continue reading
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Random Thoughts, Reflections

This is not about just one topic. [Friday, November 8, 2019]

A wide range of topics is ready to be touched on now that an update of the present context of my writing has been laid out in my most recent previous posts. The context in which an opinion/perspective is given defines a great part of the opinion/perspective itself, I think. With my context defined, I hope I can state clearer perspectives and opinions. To all of the short thoughts that have popped up in my mind recently, of which I thought “Ah yes I should share this on my blog,” I would like to devote this post. Like anything Fangs…

Continue reading
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Media, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Manifesto [Thursday, November 7, 2019]

A restatement of my direction, this is. As well as a reflection. And I’ve included the pictures I made I promised to put online quite some weeks ago… My love, This is an interesting week. Usually when I want to take measures to distance myself from toxic influence, my entire approach can be read way in advance. What I did on my birthday, however, was an impulse. An impulse that has definitively shifted my future social life. I think it is for the better. But it is only for the better if people who can positively relate to what I’ve…

Continue reading
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, Online Diary, Polls, Popular Posts, Random questions, Recipes, Reflections

Behind the Scenes [Tuesday, November 5, 2019]

Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of in Antwerpiyae. (Antwerpiyae > Antwerpiyaes I felt while typing.) My love, A couple weeks ago, I believe, I introduced “my love” as start-of-post diary aanhef. I still like it and don’t seem to get tired of it any time soon. How about you? [yop_poll id=”4″] Today I’m taking you behind the scenes of blogging. I’m still writing and not filming myself, so in this post the thought pattern behind my usual writing will be emphasized. Quick question: [yop_poll id=”5″] I’m asking you that because I notice an interesting trend in…

Continue reading
Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Recipes, Reflections

Rationalization II [Monday, November 4, 2019]

A lot has happened this weekend, as you might have noticed. Therefore it’s time for another rationalization. Let me start off by saying, NO REGRETS. My love, I need to get this off my chest. I need some time to be alone and think. (Thus write.) However, I need to finish my accounting assignment so I’ll have to dash to the library in a few. So for now I’m keeping it short-ish and after I’ve handed it in and gone to English class et cetera I’ll continue. Rationalization of (Unwritten) Words Yesterday, I said this: I’m never going back to…

Continue reading
twenty-three redemption
Ex Animo, Explicit Content, Images, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Twenty-three 🙀 [Friday, November 1, 2019]

Today is my 23rd birthday. A good moment to reflect on myself, tell you where I’ve been this more-than-one-week absence and share how I’m celebrating. 🙂  But I need to start off with an important redemption and (re)clarification, from back to forth. Redemption.   Redemption / Clarification In my last post I, not for the first time, shared that someone made me feel bad, without telling that person how I feel. The next day, he sent me a screenshot of the passage and openheartedly apologized. He was the first person to apologize for the way he made me feel after…

Continue reading
Essays, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Rationalization [Sunday, October 20, 2019]

This feels like a good moment for a rationalization of my actions again. As Fangyusual a semi-provocative (but probably mostly ignored) reflection.  My love, What is logical to me is not logical to everyone else (though maybe to some it is). Every now and then I devote a blog post, or a passage in a blog post, to explaining why I have made certain decisions. In this post I will rationalize my actions by answering questions. Let me start with the most important one: Why am I keeping this blog? To portray a shift from the perspective of the one…

Continue reading
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Boropasi [Sunday, October 6, 2019]

I’ve been thinking out my boropasi to climb up the academic ladder. Boropasi (with the “B” from “Book”, the “O” from “Order”, the “R” from “Rotterdam”, another “O” from “Order”, the “P” from “Pasta”, the “A” from “Dwaas” (as far as I know, English does not have a word with the A-sound from “boropasi”), the “S” from flattening tyre (lol yesssss), and the “I” from “Receive”) means “sluiproute”, “shortcut”, in Sranan Tongo (“my dialect” (I am not that fluent in)). Specifically the type of shortcut where one maneuvers through rural lands or residential areas, making the passenger travelling with the…

Continue reading
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

On Track [Wednesday, October 2, 2019]

My life ♥ How’s life? Different? The same? Fun? Or lame? Do you have enough time for your passions? You know that everything you dislike about life will vanish in 3 years, right? Maybe it will be less. Hopefully it will not be more. On Track My soup left-overs are in the fridge and I have scrubbed the black paint off of my feet. And in the long run, I will end up where I desire to be no matter what. Regardless what gets there first: my business or my professorship. I don’t know how many off days I will…

Continue reading
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Painting Day [Tuesday, October 1, 2019]

Heysss ♥ Last Night After that, I realized that it’s no use going to lectures (especially because the fact that it does not suit my educational background is a bit saddening), so I have off days until my change of education program has been processed. And I really miss the white boards I used to have in my room – not that I want them back, because I have a better alternative to be mentioned soon – for being able to quickly note whatever comes to mind I should memorize. So I figured, today – though my flu is getting…

Continue reading
Online Diary, Reflections

Weekend 😻 [Saturday, September 28, 2019]

My Catjes ♥ It has been years since I longed for a weekend. I really need this time to recuperate, work on my apartment and catch up mastering course material. But to make myself enjoy my bath more, I took care of my bedroom first. Putting together the drawers for underneath my bed and organizing my clothing. In my routine of lectures and cooking and my visit to the Netherlands et cetera, it felt like I had no time to think. Soaking in this tub, taking a moment to reflect on myself, especially reflecting on the moment itself (enjoying my…

Continue reading
Explicit Content, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Reflections

Adapting [Wednesday, September 25, 2019]

Goedemorgen 🙂 ♥ Het was mijn intentie om gisteren na school wat te bloggen, Dat schreef ik vanochtend, ongeveer 20 minuten voordat mijn les begon (want ik was vroeg), waarna ik aan het socializen was because I made a school friend yay. 🙂 I don’t know if I should write in Dutch or in English… I’ll use the languages based on which language I feel can express what I wish to express best. That will vary, but I’ll keep it one language per paragraph, so that your translating tool/dictionary is overseeable. 🙂 I haven’t told my new friend – or…

Continue reading
Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Reflections

Woah :o [Sunday, September 15, 2019]

Brain Woah My time to think yesterday got me so many woahs, my meow. My first woah is that this week is a week in which I have 0 plans (hopefully aside from signing the contract for the apartment I’ve slowly fallen in love with :D), after such a long time! Didn’t realize how much my brain needed rest after I wake up the next morning, feeling like just laying down and distracting my mind with technology at least as possible at first. To just let everything that has happend sink in and scrutinize it. (Usually I’m suppressing what is…

Continue reading
nude Thierry Baudet
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Operation Sunnyhoes Day 4 [Wednesday, August 28, 2019]

Gooooood morning ♥ There’s no better way to start the day than by searching my favorite picture from my favorite Dutch politician. 😻 Ahahaha I’ve seriously dreamt about this last night, but in the dream I couldn’t find the picture. I’m glad I’ve found it. 🙂 It was shown on the (gossip) news when I was visiting my grandmother quite some months ago, and has not left my mind ever since. I love this expression of (European?) liberalism so much. Especially because he is a politician (and my Catthierry 😻 ). It is revolutionary. 🙂 ( 😏 😏 😏 )…

Continue reading
Explicit Content, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Sunnyays 🌞

Heyyy Fangs here with the Sunnyays 😸 We’re on sunny Curacaooooo 🌞 Just arrived at my aunt’s holiday apartment. It’s my second time on Curacao. 🙂 Meowsss I’ll be socializing and chat you up when I’m alone. 🙂 ~~~ Updated 16:42 (04:42 PM) [GMT -4] Piscadera Currently, I’m laying on this like cat royalty. After eating the tasting like home dinner my aunt’s housekeeper who is one of the 11 people holidaying(-ish for she cooks, cleans and does our laundry and such) here, I got ready for going out later: I want to get kissy, my meow… As I was…

Continue reading
Ex Animo, Polls, Random questions, Reflections

I want to C you

Actually, this is not much of a poem. More uncontrolled prose.

Over 550 blog posts, all written from the perspective of my eyes. Are they not provocative enough? 🙁 I can’t hear you. Why?

Over 206,000 / 206.000 (two hundred and six thousand) [international writing] words, written in the perspective from me to you. You, whose beautiful eyes are going over this page. What do you see?

Are you A, B or C?

I want to know. Not only your perspective. Also the perspective “you to me”.

I hope it’s different from what I’m used to. I hope you’re C.

You see, I can’t hear people’s internal dialogues when they talk to me. But I can estimate them by asking questions and reading their body language.

My powers never reach the core, though I try. What is going on in your outmost personal layer? Especially now that my writing has reached it, but I haven’t. (Not yet? 🙂 )

Why I want to know? Because I’m an ambitious, affectionate and cuddly person and I want to know if you’re that person too. Society doesn’t embrace that openness, but we should.

When I study anyone’s behavior, I see their attitude towards the world. But I can’t see if they’re A, B or C, without getting hurt. I’ve never reached the core.

What is your attitude towards me? A, B or C?

The Cuddle

“I really admire her. I love what she’s doing. I wish I could do it myself.

Where her theories come from, I don’t know. I need more proof to be able to trust it. My own life would become damaged if I go all-in on this and it turns out to not be feasible. Like could it still all be schizophrenia and not real? I can’t imagine that that could be the case, but still can’t rule it out if I haven’t seen her theories in practice. Why did she exactly become labeled as a schizophrenic anyway? I still have the feeling that there’s a lot more to that story.

Everything that is going on in this world makes it hard for me to trust. Media accusations versus personal counter-accusations. That that will ever be something of the past? The future she portrays sounds too good to be true. I want to believe in it so much, but my heart would become irreparably damaged if I would trust this and it turns out not to be true.

I wouldn’t be able to formulate any theories like hers myself, but if they’re true, I could learn them and implement them in my life. I could use her theories to realize my own dreams and make a living from that. I would love to move to Planet Fang. It feels like there, eternal love and eternal happiness really do exist.

Privacy wise I have nothing about me she may not know. I would love to be her (social) research subject, sharing my thoughts with her, to improve life on Planet Fang. I think I could realize my dreams, doing what I want in life and also being part of D.O.C.I.S. International.”


The Demon

“I want to have sex with her. I want to do that every day. But I can’t love. I don’t love her. Though she should love me so that I can have her with me for the rest of my life. I will tell her I love her so that she will tell me the same.

To let her become the royalty she wants to be? No. I will make sure that that won’t happen. If there’s anyone who deserves to be the last new royalty introduced to the world, it’s me. I want the money and fame. If she gets it before me then I will make sure that I’m with her when it happens and eventually cause her downfall and say that I was the mastermind behind everything.

She says that she wants to create a better world blah blah. We all know that that is not realistic. Because the whole world is like me and I love to watch people clash. If it doesn’t happen naturally then I’ll cause it. It’s my favorite topic of conversation. Life is boring without clashes.

Haha that she’s diagnosed with schizophrenia is great news to me.  It’s hilarious, really. And that she went missing and that that went viral and stuff hahaha. She’s always emphasizing that she is a good person and now all of that effort was all for nothing. She’s a demon too and I will get her to confess this, to seal the fact that she’ll never make it. I can’t wait to dry her tears of failure.

If I’m jealous of her? Nooo she shouldn’t think that she’s better than I. I don’t really understand most of her theories, but I still memorize everything so that I can make it look like I’m the mastermind behind D.O.C.I.S. International, when the time is right.

I will lie about my personality in her research so that I can gain access to the highest layers of Planet Fang. That is what my talent is: using sneak tactics to climb up the ladder.

Life should stay exactly like it is.  I have it good and she may not have it better than I. If she gets money then I want to get it too. Love does not exist. I love her deception, acting like she can improve the world. If I can’t improve the world, then no one can. I don’t want to see anyone get successful with that.”


The Graeyniss

“I love her. I’m in love with her. We’re soul mates. But I don’t tell her this. I’m afraid she will reject me. I’d rather not let my dreams of using my intelligence to destroy the system together with the love of my life come true and find happiness in her online reality, than feel the eternal sting of her potential rejection. Even though it’s just a probability statement.

I can relate to every single word she writes and/or says. It’s like she speaks of my life instead of hers. I have felt so alone in my intelligence for so long. I can’t believe that she’s real. This is more mental comfort than I could have ever asked for. This is what I have missed all my life. Now I know that I’m not alone.

I have a lot of self-formulated theories, too. Some are similar to hers, some are different. Intelligent people often make the same observations and realizations.

That I could start a new life with her sounds like an absolute dream. But it’s such a great risk for my current career and my family. Even though these attachments are just mental concepts. I should choose me, like she says I should. Chances are high that we will be successful. That we will write history… I want my name in the history books too, as part of her story…

I’m afraid that my emotional problems will make her run away from me like other people in my life do. But she sounds like it will actually draw us closer and make us stronger than we already are. Fully immune against demons.

From her words it sounds like our attraction will be mutual. But that really sounds too good to be true. Either way, life is so boring and I really want the challenge she offers. I want to be part of the board of D.O.C.I.S. International.”

What will be the future of us?

If you’re A, I would allow you to live on Planet Fang. I would absolutely love to meet you. I find it important to know how I can make my stratrgies better suit your ambitions, so that my power on Planet Fang will not bother you. We will not physically spend eternity together, for if you can’t formulate theories like mine by yourself I will have so much to explain and that will hold me back, but mentally we will still always be together. You will be in my thoughts often. Your life on Planet Fang will be the best ever.

If you’re B, you will not gain access to Planet Fang. You’re a disease to good people. I can’t wait to kill you with my bare hands. The next war this world will know will be the war against you and your fellow demons.

If you are C, I love you just as much as you love me. We are complements. I can’t even be successful without you and I don’t want to do this without you, even if I could! You have the intelligence and affection I need.

Would you vote honestly if you knew that your choice could mean instant death? I’ll classify the world in A, B, C, regardless if you vote or not, for your digital footprint reveals enough, and my A’s and C’s will live their best lives.

The featured image is from

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

D.O.C.I.S.’s Transition Phases [Saturday, August 3, 2019]

My fellow Fangyists, ♥ Today’s Diary Theme Today’s diary post is focused on further enlightning you about the Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem. Many texts of mine have been devoted to this, but they all won’t be as open-hearted and clear as this one. At the end of today, we all know: All Stratagem related terms that are Fangyist (including the meaning of the word Cishes in Cuddle [now that it’s pride week and I recently learnt that there is another meaning for the word, plus I have some things else about that to share]) What phases the Stratagem has…

Continue reading
Phone water
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Flashback “Chilling” [Monday, July 29, 2019]

Good morning, my Graeyniss ♥

Passion is finished yaysss. 🙂 I don’t know if you’ve spotted it last night, because I updated the last of it pretty late last night. It’s a veryyy nice read, seeing how it sticks together from start to finish:





I’m in bed, writing you early because today I’ll be full-time spending time with my aunt, cousin and her new friend who are staying here. I spend far too much time with my phone in my hands I’m missing out on reality. 🙁

But before I go, I’d like to share some feelings of mine I’m dealing with, hoping for your listening ear: especially after sharing those screenshots of the type of “conversations” I have every day and the amount of degrading ASKfm questions that pour in whenever I answer just one of them (at some point I just stop answering because it’s just too much time and energy wasted for nothing… I still have questions in my answers queue from that same day), I see and feel more of the disrespected reality I live. It’s not nice. 🙁 I’ve been keeping myself from online conversations more and more ever since this realization (again). Chances are high I won’t respond to anything today, but still maybe post a few tweets in case I’m bored.

Another thing I’ve been afraid to share is this:

I dared to share this new piece of fraud evidence now, because my parents left last night. They will be back – with my sister and her friends – on Thursday. I’m always afraid that my father will beat me to death when I check-mate him with evidence on his fraud. But people don’t believe this is real or something? I don’t know why I’m not saved from all the dangers I live. 🙁 I hope the government has its eyes on him because this really is not normal. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. 🙁 I’m not a fan of the system either but if we’d all do what they’re doing the financial crisis that will follow would be untamable.

I hope that, considering that with those screenshots I have now shared all aspects of my life, what I’m trying to do as a propagandist is clear and people will see the good in this and work with me. It would bring us to the revolution that will better our lives. I hope that it will work out and that I – though it’s still a better alternative than forever living together with my family – won’t have to live all by myself in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t know who to trust, where I could be treated like just another student, while my intelligence is clearly different and I’m this online phenomenon spitting ideas, who can be followed anywhere. I really don’t want to meet another person telling me “Oh you’re so beautiful blah blah,” while I can’t talk about the actual contents of my mind (like seriously let’s revolutionize the system) and then end up in this weird sexual relationship being offended “because I don’t say much and I’m weird”. Please. 🙁

I’m going to take a little nap because I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope you’ll help me start the largest court case ever one day. From there we could initiate the D.O.C.I.S. 🙂 .

With all of the formerly forgotten toxic flashbacks that are haunting me now, I’m starting to realize how the D.O.C.I.S. I initiated 2 years ago, before the memory loss thing happend, sticks together.

Love you ♥

Updated 08:56 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]


Phone water

The featured image is made by Designecologist on