Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, December 23, 2018

[I wrote this unfinished piece of post yesterday around 7 PM, but then something happened, and because of that, I still will not finish it. I’ll explain it to you 🙂 . Between the three dotted lines is the unfinished piece of post.]

My Cuddle ♥

Excuse my previous madness 🙁 . It’s a side effect that comes with my ambition. I hope you still love me. I get so mad, because I love you and I can’t stand that I can’t be with you 🙁 .

I had a lot of fun with my mother yesterday. When we were texting a few days before, I told her that I tend to stay away from her, because she can express the way she feels so negatively sometimes, and I want to see and hear her be happy. Hearing her express herself negatively gives me heartache and palpitations.

I feel terrible, too, but when we go out to do something together, it’s better to push those feelings aside, to try to emphasize the good things and to act happier than you are, because then you might end up feeling that way, too. I it worked for the both of us 😀 ♥

Around 2 o’clock, we took the metro to the city center. (We intended to leave around 1, but I kept snoozing my 10:50 alarm and at some point I accidentally dismissed it, so I woke up at 12:37 and had to rush…)

00:38 (AM) 

The reason why I’m so much later than usual with writing a post, was because I was socializing all day. It has been so long since I’ve felt so uplifted. I had conversations with my mother that really felt like it was like in the old days. I loved it. Then, here, at the house of the family friends I’m staying with, too, we were talking a lot. At first a lot about decision making from a parental perspective.

Then, later, somehow, we ended up talking about my business plans. I’ve touched on my business plans with other people before, but it’s so unique that I prefer to keep them to myself, because when it comes to money, some people try to do good with it, and some just want to have the most of it. I believe that because most people on this Earth are very self-preservative, this Earth is such a shit dystopia. I know that with my plans – less than half of them can be found online, because I prefer to memorize it, so that others can’t grow big with it before I do – there’s a lot of money to be made, which is why I prefer to keep them to myself, until I’m certain that I can trust someone.

This was the first time breaking down my full business concept, of which a part originated from the fact that with the natural circumstances in the Netherlands, life can be over at any second, and from people from my class, there are currently no plans of evacuation. That’s why I came up with the recruitment aspect of the organization. Also because space is limited. This quickly led to me being compared to – as I indicated before, in the “if I were to explain and my philosophy gets misinterpreted”-situation I described a few posts back, just type the last name in the search field to find it – Adolf Hitler. Of course, the comparison was a joke, since we’re talking about uncontrollable natural circumstances here.

There was also mentioned that we should raise awareness on that life in this country could be over at any second again, via mainstream media. Everyone learns about it in school, but no one gives a fuck, otherwise I would not be alone in this paranoia about nature ending my life at any second. Primary school is made mandatory by the government. If you wouldn’t attend, there’s a whole police patrol squad that makes sure you will. Everyone has been fully educated about this in geography class.

Raising awareness via mainstream media would cause so much chaos, because no one knows what to do, or doesn’t have the resources and/or capacity to do something useful, with that information. (Remember when I was typing about this in caps lock? It already felt like I was giving away too much.)

I don’t believe in raising awareness through mainstream media, but I do believe in proposing my solution and guiding the recruitment process through mainstream media. Then at least everyone knows and thus the chances will be equal. I find equal opportunities very important. Another thing I find important is usefulness, because it’s important that my island doesn’t go to shit the way this country will, one day. That’s not me destroying it. That’s just god’s work. I didn’t chose to be born here. No one did. (Right?)

The conversation ended with me being proposed to propose the product, service or strategy that will give me that amount of money I need to buy that island I’ll fully own and thus have the full right to decide over. I actually intend it to be bought by the holding, because I don’t want to rule over it all by myself, but because it’s my idea, I do want to own the parliament. Yes, things are arranged differently on Planet Fang.

When it comes to pitching my ideas, I always have trust issues. I guess that’s part of the reason why I still haven’t truly attempted to find an investor. (I’m considering constructing my business in such a way that co-owners will all be married to me, on Planet Fang, where everything is very different. I basically have to, since I’m so in love with these Graeynissis…) But of course I make exceptions for those who are close to me, when they ask.

So now I’ll be pitching “my million dollar strategy” coming Saturday. I love a challenge. [The soon deadline was because I made clear that my way to making it big isn’t a plan for 10 years. Life here can be over at any second and I want to be able to save myself (and other (useful) people). Truthfully, I want to have earned enough to rule over that island – and really truthfully already have that compound – within twelve months. Yes, twelve months. Actually I intended to already have been there by now, but I see I really am forced to do mainstream shit ah ew.] I wonder what it will lead to. I seek passionate investors, who care about the success of the endeavor more than about commas. They’re one of a kind and hard to find… Because of the class I’m stuck in with no money or support, I basically don’t come across them. But sometimes I’m lucky…

When I was having lunch with my mother, and she asked me where I want to live when I’m back at the ANWB full-time, I told her: “Wassenaar.” Yehess that’s not affordable with the salary I’ve earned there. I don’t intend to grow old here. I didn’t even intend to really target the Dutch market – because what’s the point, if it can flood at any second – but I have fallen in love… I showed my mother: “Look at how hot my Graeyniss is,” (those were not my literal words) and she was also like woaaaaah. Ah meoww… Suddenly he’s on my mind so much… I swear omgg… Including the thought of us suddenly giving in to the attraction we feel for each other and kissing… I love the way you grab my ass in my fantasy. Our life is wild and turbulent – like our sex – like a Dutch movie. (The upper class life painted in those movies is so alien to me. It’s so interesting in a sexy way.)

In my correspondence to him I’m indirectly all like oohh noo I look relatively good so people think my intention is to fuck anyone and then especially those with brains and influence, so it’s important that it’s clear that that is fucking bullshit. I’m not a house wife.  I want to make a career.

But simultaneously, with the natural circumstances in this country, my survival instinct is going crazy. If I were to be stuck with someone, I swear for me it’s the best to be stuck with someone else who would, like me, say: “If I would survive the flooding of this country, I would seize power.” With my level of intelligence and the circumstances I need to survive in, it doesn’t surprise me that I’m always fucking crazy attracted to tall grey haired men in suits. [HAHA HI THEREEEE 😀 ]

For this sexy Graeyniss, I would stay in this country and be a house wife… [Still no children, though, “sorry”….] The house wife part being cooking and setting up my own business, while the regular cycle of life as we now it now – everyone working – continues, until my business is finished and I can finally overthrow the system. People would talk so much shit about us, because we would look twice as hot if we were a couple… Don’t you maybe need a date for some fancy Christmas dinner? Does anyone need a date for a fancy Christmas dinner? I don’t like Christmas, but I love dress-up occasions and any chance to hear some serious Graeyniss conversations. I’d finally be able to be myself…

I’m such a pet cat… I now have two people I call Graeynissis, of whom I’m thinking that it’s possible that they could feel the same way about me as I do about them… I hope you’ll want to share, because now I feel un-cuddle for having feelings for more than one person, and I just want to have you all all to myself and I want you all to know it from each other. I hope I’ll be enough for you in that way, in terms of love (so that you’d be able to settle for my split attention) and that you’ll still feel like you’re my one and only.

On the rest of yesterday: I took my usual types of pictures, thinking of sharing it on here as I explain to you the deatils of my day. But the conversations lasted until very late and I need to get up early today. (It’s probably also not that interesting for you. That’s why it’s all the way down here.)

I had to get fangy and eat some medium-rare meat

I didn’t go here today, but I went there on a school excursion once, and, while usually I’m not a fan of excursions, there’s such interesting meaning in the architecture, art and design of this Paleis op de Dam, so I wanted to tell you this is a must-see

New blush was one of my gifts ♥

We later went there “for dessert” 🙂

This is what I selected as a gift for my family friends’ house I currently live in, for underneath the Christmas tree. How do you find my interior design vision?  :p

As I walked home, the sky was looking Cuddle

This is the perfume I use and wanted to buy again from my €150 Christmas budget. But they don’t sell it anywhere anymore?? 🙁 So now Lady Million Privé is my new scent. The other one is an Opium eau de toilette by Yves Saint Laurent. There are multiple ones with this name, but this exact one I can’t find anywhere. It was hard to find the first time already…

Now that I feel better – I’ve been so silent for so long, I’m happy to have had some good conversations and events – it’s like my body hurts less as well. It’s probably not a good move, health wise, even though simultaneously exercise is healthy, but I already mentioned to my mother how much I miss it, and then I saw this event for tomorrow, so I could just not not sign up… There’s a little basketball event tomorrow, in the Apollohal, from 12:30 until 14:30. For €4.50 you can join the poule and play 15 minute games. I’m excited! 😀 It has been so long since I played… I miss it so much! It’s too cold to play outside 🙁 . So tomorrow I’m going 😀 .

It’s now 03:54 and I need to figure out how to make my way there and stuff tomorrow… And be early because teams will be made et cetera. I’m thus going to sleep.

I love you sooooo much

Good night (literally haha) ♥


10:04 (AM)

Good morning

I just posted this to let you know I’m awake.  I’m going to take a shower.

By the way, since I find it more important to succeed in my life goals than to earn, but I do need to earn [soon as fuck… I’ll also need protection soon if people are going to proclaim that I have plans for the evacuation of a hand-picked (by application and recruitment [that used to go via my book projects, in which no one paricipated – I’m mad and might change my genre to something more populist – but will now go via emailing]) group of people and that I still allow people from other countries on that island as citizens as well [I can do that, because these fucked up natural circumstances are not the only reason for me to run this business…. It’s also because the system is absolute shit everywhere in the world and everyone deserves to attempt to an alternative]], I’m thinking of taking some initiative as someone who doesn’t vote and dominate the shit out of these literal political Graeynissis . Oh and the king, too, hehe. By starting a political party or something else via the democratic system I’m subjected to (beetje jammer… [that I’m subjected to it haha]). Know that I consider it my responsibility, as a non-voter. But I find that those who do vote but other than that only complain in front of the television, have that same self-initiative responsibility. I’d call it “The Fang Party”. Ons hoofdstandpunt is “fuck politics” HAHAHA.

I’ll be getting ready. Don’t Judas me in the meantime 😀 xxx


11:07 (AM) 

HAHA ayyy seriously I have such good ideas for Dutch politics! And for the promotion of The Fang Party (vote for a chance of getting access to all compounds). I’ll make music videos for promotion (Nero style HAHA… This sounds very Hitler-like haha but I swear I’m pro equal survival chances HAHAHAHAH). If I were to seize power, the Netherlands will become part of Planet Fang as well 😀 . I’m also pro voting rights for everyone, so everyone anywhere in the world will be allowed to vote for the Netherlands. Especially women who are not allowed to vote!!!! 

I challenge the Dutch prime minister to a dance battle…. Maak je borst maar nat mattie I’m coming for youuu.

So my donation thing will become: Help Lil Fangs De Tweede Kamer in…. Gotta eat fast and hurry brb xxx


11:46 (AM) 

Hey jongens, ik voel een nieuw referendum aankomen… Ick will namelijk graeg den grootsten dele mijnes tijdes in “Hispanje” (maar dan Planet Fang) spendeeren.

I think “Den Fang Partij” is trouwens een betere naam.


For my political economy strategy things… Benoît Crutzen… IK. KIES. JOU!!! *gooit pokéball*


11:58 (AM) 

Yoo where the fuck are my earplugs :'( . I always lay them next to my bed 🙁 . Travelling musicless sucks. My music will be played everywhere. I also have a lot of ideas for the improvement of the quality of television. I want to own 20% of all zendtijd forever for education material from Den Fang Partij.

So there should be one more colony which will be a separate island, for the Netherlands, which will be named Planet Fang if I win. Or if I’ll be able to make so much noise that there will be elections right now.

Of ik links of rechts ben? Ik ben niks mattie. Fuck dat systeem. Ik ben Lil Fangs HAHA.

Yo Rutte… Fuck jouw partij en kom gewoon bij mij ofzo?

Also, I want Vicje, Lorenzo and Sander as active members of my party…


14:10 (02:10 PM)

I’m having a lot of fun 😀 . I’m trying to get people to join me for my group picture at the end of the event. I’ve already told a few people I want to run for president and that I had that idea this morning. I want to show you I’m a people person 🙂 . Vote for me 😀 ♥


15:07 (03:07 PM) 

When I arrived at the basketball event, I saw that I was the only girl there and teams were already made. I didn’t want to take down the pace of the games the guys were playing, so my intention was to practice some by myself for the full two hours, on the free basket.

Then later, Jozef invited me to join his team. They had to leave before the event ended, so we have a separate picture 🙂 :

The team 😀

They’re all from Lebanon, except Rashid next to me, who is from Syria.

When I told them that I want to run for president here, Jozef said: “(Then) you probably don’t want us here.” His response scared me up. The way people are forced to leave their countries is outrageous, and world peace is definitely on the list of things I want to achieve!! Good living circumstances world wide, too. Of course you should be welcome here, since this country is in the top ten of weapon manufacturers. You should be treated like a king here.

Especially because I’m a person of color and I’m used to dumb racist people telling me that “I should go back to my own country” (while the Dutch nationality is my own nationality…) I for sure am not that the type of person who will discriminate people on where they’re from or what their background is. That’s the most ignorant thing people do these days.

My immediate response was: “You shouldn’t want to be here yourself, because there are no plans of evacuation for the people from our class, when this country is threatened by nature, to be flooded. That’s one of the things I want to propose a solution for when I’m elected president.”

Here are all group pictures taken, so you’re free to select your best one 🙂 [Shout out to the girl with the pink jacket, who made the picture ♥ ] :

Yay 1

Yay 2

Yay 3

Yay 4

Yay 5

Yay 6

Yay 7

If I were to organize a basketball event and ask people €4.50 for entrance, you’d get a bottle of water and a snack. Lil Fangs for President ayy.

I just came back home. I’ve been joking about my campaign statements and programme, but I have some serious plans and I’ll entirely break them down in the free book I came up with when I was in the tram: Lil Fangs for President. I’ll get started with it today 🙂 . First, I need to finish my business website and the 180 Days of Fangs article, though. Haha one project at a time…


15:54 (03:54 PM) 

Oh yes, why I’m not wearing basketball clothes? Because my basketball clothes and shoes are at home. I decided to look for meetups to join for today, last night, while I’m staying in Amsterdam with my family friends.

At some point I stopped playing team games, today, because my knees and ankles started to hurt. I wasn’t wearing the right shoes… I also suffered from “osgood schlatter” – a force and growth related sports injury – for quite some time, when I used to play for Rotterdam Basketball (the regular club, not eredivisie or something haha).

I then started to practice dribbling and shooting, in a walking pace, with my focus on not looking at the ball while playing. I dribbled with my eyes closed. I can show you that, as a president, I can dribble with my eyes closed, which means that my senses are very good, which shows that I’m a very alert president.


16:55 (04:55 PM) 

Ohh I made this picture when I gave myself a water break from practicing jump shots and lay ups and stuff, before I joined the team:

I always focus on my screen, but I guess I should look into the camera, but then I don’t know what my facial expression looks like… I need to practice my charisma more…

Lil Fangs for President will be released in both Dutch and English (the languages I can write in). If anyone wants to translate it to another language, I’ll share it for sure.

I find it important that there’s world wide attention for the situation here, in this country, since the problem here will at some point affect every single country on Earth, and I’m trying to be ahead of it. That’s why my correspondence is currently in English. I don’t know why no one else is doing this, too. Know that I have no patience for people who focus on gossip shit. I’m trying to make a serious change. I’m by the way against reading speeches from paper or a teleprompter…

I will also not be begging for votes. Voting is of course a choice, and if you want to hate on my initiative – while no one else is showing initiative the way I do, on this level – go ahead and please don’t even consider to vote. Then I have less people I’ll have to take into consideration for something that is not my responsibility. I just want to help because I’m able to, but other than that, it’s your life’s task to save yourself.


21:03 (09:03 PM) 

I’ve been thinking of going home for Christmas. I mentioned it during dinner. The thing that made it not easy and obvious is that my father has to allow and want me to be home, since he’s the house owner who sets the rules. Eric came with the idea to call him and ask if he finds it okay. After some internal fears, I called. He didn’t pick up. He called me when I was doing number two. When I tried to call back, I got an immediate “call ended” after pressing call, without voice mail. He also texted me to ask if I tried to call him. I said yes. He asked why. I said that it’s because I want to come home for Christmas and my sister’s birthday. (I still want to be all by myself by new year’s. I find one formality enough and do not want to reflect on last year with those who have experienced part of that hell with me.) He said fine, that’s okay and sent some love related smileys. So now I’m going home for Christmas. As a politician to be, I’ll stick to doing populist shit because I want your love ah meoww.

My god I really feel like crying and dying. I wish all of this drama just didn’t exist. Esha texted me at the right moment, asking me if I would like to join her and Elgin (the DJ I mentioned before), because he’s the first performer at a club tonight. I’m tired from playing basketball and stuff, but dancing and being with nice people will make me feel better for sure.

Sorry for not doing the “work related” [I’m not earning from it] things I mentioned today. I hope you still love me. I also hope you’ll save me from the huge task I’ve given myself when it comes to our society, in the sense that I know that’s unhealthy for me to work so much, but I can’t stop…

Also, entering politics sounds very exciting to me, but the thought of that nonsense gossip media… If there’s one thing that deep down just makes me want to ask that person what the fuck he/she is doing with his/her life and emphasize that the questions that are asked by the media 99% of the time are complete fucking nonsense. I hope it won’t give me too many palpitations 🙁 .

I intend to stick to water tonight…


23:24 (11:24 PM) 

We’re in club Nova. Kendrick Lamar’s Swimming Pools is playing in the background. It’s quite rustig sill. DJ Elli-BS’s set is lit like usual.

I numb down my emotions so heavily when I’m sober, I really want to get intoxicated and feel something, but it’s not good for my health…

Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

180 Days of Fangs

There’s a crucial difference between writing general self reflection and writing an online diary post, to me. It’s in the concept of time. In an online diary post, I reflect the emotions I feel – still not in the peaceful state I want them to be in – to the way I experience time as I’m writing that exact post, by means of showing a(n alternative) contemporary life – it might be interesting to reflect back on it in 10 years and see how much life has changed, hopefully with D.O.C.I.S. International – and of preserving my long and short term memory.

Why 180 days, in the title? Because I have 180 days of diary posts, today.

I started this blog after I released the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in April. [This episode can now be read in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I.] Then, I was still under relatively intense surveillance [it was worse before I started the blog] from the people from the psychiatric industry. “My parents” and them are convinced that I’m a schizophrenic.

It all started when in an answer to a question about my whereabouts, I said that doctor B.S.Y. Crutzen is a friend of mine, with whom I talk about my business plans. And that he is interested in working together with me, and that he will be my escape from my parents’ house.

How this led to me being falsely diagnosed with schizophrenia, is broken down in detail in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, in which I extensively describe why this is a limitation to my freedom in doing business and how, only if other people were to join me in my endeavor, I could bypass this. The book has no sales.

The dumbest part of their diagnosis, is that the research hospital has drawn its conclusion, of doctor Crutzen being only a voice in my head, without actually involving him in the research process. They should have invited me and him over to a session, and hear from him “That he doesn’t even know me”, because according to them, a drop out can’t be friends with a professor. They refused to involve him in the research process. I miss him 🙁 . They know that.

By clearly running away from them [four times…], I’ve been able to distance myself from them,  but not from the final legal say they have over me, due to their false diagnosis. This stressful absurdity resurfaces in my posts almost daily, because it has changed my view on life so much, in a negative way.

Because I want to emigrate to the United States, since I need to live somewhere, while my corporate state isn’t there yet [and I love the warm weather, the rate between available space and people [as an individual, you have much more space to live, there, for a lot less money, compared to the Netherlands] and the creative strategy of the Republican government… Plus, I’ve taught myself American English – while I’ve been taught British English by my grandmother and in school – and I consider the US the heart of global publicity, so since I want to go global, it really seems like the place to be, for me…], I want my files to show the truth about me.

The parties with authority over me and I are not on the same page. They’re the ones who are authorized to edit my medical record, but they have a completely different opinion about me. It’s a very negative one, I don’t agree with. They’re not open to let me revise it. They don’t even want to show me what they’ve exactly written down in it. All I’ve seen is a collection of summaries, of which the pessimistic view has shocked me. I think this has added to my post traumatic stress…

I’m not saying that I’m fully healthy, since I just mentioned the PTSS and from the white blood cells in the infection that is currently still visible in my urine, even after antibiotics from Germany, I might have a serious physical illness. [My Dutch physician finds me incompetent and because of that she refused to refer me to a hospital, so I was bound to searching for help abroad.] I’m just saying that the diagnosis schizophrenia is fucking bullshit.

The only other way for me to achieve this correction of my record – I consider it clearing my name – is if my supporters were to stand up for me. I find it very important that my files show the truth about me, because I want D.O.C.I.S. International to be a multinational business and work together with powerful individuals.

Simultaneously, I’m trying to get this business off the ground, be able to afford a home and pay back my study loan, but since no one is paying for my work – solely looking at what I publish for free – I’m forced to go back to working for a boss again [ :'( ], unless things were to finally change in my favor.

For those who just have tuned in to my life, the amount of text here might be quite intimidating, and that’s not my intention! So I hope that this article will make things clear for you.

I also hope it will lead to the shift I’m trying to cause. The shift in which I’m finally able to live a happy life and put my concept of a new, better and legal parallel system into practice. True sustainability is the most important aspect of that system. It’s parallel, because I believe an individual should be able to choose in what type of system he or she lives, instead of suddenly being forced to go to school and work and have loans, et cetera, in the end just to serve your basic needs. I did not sign up for that life…

The Diary’s Timeline 

April 17: This is the day I wrote my first diary post. I mentioned that after being done with working on the D.O.C.I.S. International website, I would have time to be blogging and not worry about anything else. I just released the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. But I mentioned that – not having to worry – because I expected my book to sell. It didn’t. This was before I unpublished the episode. Throughout my posts, you might notice how much this increases to eat at me. Another reason for frustration was that I was under surveillance – as in that I slept at my parents house [and from time to time I stayed with a grandmother for a week or so, when staying at my parents’room house drove me too crazy] and I had to see a “government therapist” every week, while I don’t agree with their diagnosis and treatment. On April 23 I had one of those mandatory sessions.

April 17 – April 24 were written in the Netherlands. At some point, I received a phone call about that I had to do another blood test to show that I was taking the antipsychotics. I thought it was a one time thing. I passed the first one by taking an overdose, but I didn’t want to do that again. Plus, my values must have been higher by then, so I wouldn’t pass it anyway. Even in the hospital, I wasn’t taking the medication for most of the time. I lied about it, which is why I got out at some point. But I risked getting a warrant for not taking the medicine, so my intention was to leave the country and seek for a solution. I didn’t take the blood test.

April 25 – April 27 were written in France. It was my first time “away from the psychiatric industry featuring my parents”, since April 2017! (April 2017, because that was when I came in touch with that industry for the first time…)

April 27 I was on my way back from France to the Netherlands. I, there,  wrote my diary update on paper, while I was in the train. The pictures of the text were taken in the plane to Surinam I was on, the next day. That’s why you see the scenery of an economy class plane – so the April 28 scenery – with the text I wrote on the 27th.

April 28 – May 19 were written on the way to, from and in Surinam, where I was on a holiday with my family. On May 6 the whole situation with them treating me “like I’m a schizophrenic” was frustrating me so much, that I decided to plan a one-way escape to the US. Another reason was the blood test I didn’t take. From that date onward, the plan developed itself. Here’s the video I was recording when I got the idea, in case you’re interested in watching it: [I don’t consider this a video of good quality. If I were to have a budget, my videos would be a lot better.]

In Surinam, I released some music, recorded in my bedroom there. The audio was recorded with my phone and I made the beat with the little MIDI keyboard I bought in Paris.

On the last night there, I met someone in a club. He was the first and only person who bought the very first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I. I unpublished it in June, when I was applying for jobs, because I thought that it might cause the employer to refuse me as a potential employee.

May 20 – May 22 were written in the Netherlands. I had to travel back there first, because the ticket to Surinam was booked far in advance and I actually wasn’t allowed to travel to the US, because the parties with authority over me found it too far from home, and thus too dangerous “for a schizophrenic”. It was my intention to show that I don’t need their supervision – it drives me crazy – and an attempt to get Project Nosce Te Ipum off the ground, there. I hoped to be able to start a new life. [Very unfortunately, I didn’t succeed.]

May 23 – June 8 were written in the United States. Until May 26, I was in Baltimore. When I came there, all I had were my ESTA, a reservation for three nights at the Red Roof (more I couldn’t afford when I was secretly booking), my most valuable belongings and about €900 to spend until the end of June. The money was study financing, because I’m a student at The Open University in Milton Keynes. (It’s a university specialized in distance learning, so I’m free to travel, basically whenever I want to and can afford it.)

The emotional aspect of my departure – “my father” sent me such a cold hearted text message, when he found out that I left and my mother made me feel so guilty for leaving – made me want to be alone. It was my intention to promote my book and otherwise search for a job, but that and the financial stress kept me from engaging in social interactions, because I did not want to speak about my life, but it’s almost inevitable, when you meet someone new.

As my three day stay came to an end, I was certain that with my budget, I wasn’t going to be able to keep affording a roof above my head. I accepted the chance of ending up homeless and decided to try to give myself a good time, with the money I had. I decided to go to Miami, because last minute tickets to Los Angeles were too expensive, with the intention of being able to go to the beach. (It was my second time in Miami, but I still haven’t gone to the beach there.)

I chose to stay in hotels instead of hostels, because I carried a lot of emotionally valuable luggage with me – in my suitcase with a broken back wheel – and the sadness made me want to lay in bed, all alone, for most parts of the day. At some point, this caused me to not be able to afford a proper meal. One day, I was only able to eat a Burger King deal of $1.50 or something, for 10 spicy popcorn nuggets.

While I was going through all of this, I never blocked and/or deleted “my parents” on my phone, so they could still reach me. I ignored the hateful message of “my father”, but I couldn’t not respond to my mother’s sad text messages.

At some point, she offered to send me money, so that I had an alternative to being homeless. I refused it, in the beginning, because I can’t stand the way “my parents” always tell me that I cost them too much. By means of saving myself, within 24 hours, I wrote a second episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I and released it. Again, it had no sales at all. Here’s the explanation video I had made for it, within that same period of time: 

I decided to go in to my mother’s financial offer. She asked me what I wanted. I told her a one way to California and one month of rent, for an apartment, with the intention of working as a Dutch translator somewhere there. She didn’t want to give me that. She extended my stay at Extended Stay for a night and bought me a one-way back to the Netherlands.

To make sure that those people from the psychiatric industry didn’t fully claim my agenda again, I started to look for a full-time job, even before I went back to the Netherlands. In my last hours in The States, I also made an appointment to officially register Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International as an official sole proprietor business, even though I hadn’t sold anything yet. It was because I didn’t want to set aside my business endeavor, when I worked 40 hours a week, and end up being someone saying: “I had plans of starting my own business, but now we’re 30 years further and I still work here…”

I told my mother, I didn’t want to see “my father”, so at first, she booked us a hotel room in Utrecht from June 9 until June 11. There we were going to see “what feels right”, when it comes to staying somewhere, so if I was going to go home or do something else. She said that if I were to rent an apartment – social housing, for people with a lower income – that she would pay part of the first month of rent for me.

So after we stayed in Utrecht, because I wanted to be able to cook myself, she booked me the cheapest hotel-apartment available. It was in Bad Boekelo, in a resort. I was there from June 11 until something like June 23. I absolutely loved the short experience of having my own apartment. The area was amazing, too. Very quiet, with a lot of nature.

On June 14, I was invited to a house visitation. The social housing system works with a random selection by a computer. I was 6th on the list and “unfortunately”, someone who was higher on the list showed up at the visitation, too, and took the house. It felt like losing. I was so fed up by it, that I didn’t even go in to it on my blog. I hadn’t been invited to a house visitation ever since. Now, I’ve stopped trying, since I don’t even want to live in a social housing project. I want to live in California. And I actually have a very expensive taste….

In the rest of my time in that apartment, I worked on my assignments for The Open University and I was working on some free content for this blog. And an app for it, too, but when I started to work 40 hours a week, I ended up not making the app.

When I had to check out of the apartment, I moved in with one of my grandmothers. On June 25, I officially registered Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International.

On June 26, I had a job interview at Young Capital, a recruitment agency, to see if I qualified for a job at the ANWB.

On June 28, I had a job interview at the ANWB itself. But somehow, I wasn’t able to find my public transportation card and I didn’t have money to buy a new one. It was still quite a while before the interview, so I decided to cycle from Rotterdam, Delfshaven to the ANWB headquarters in Den Haag. It was one hour and 24 minutes from door to door.

I called the recruiter to say that I was going to be a little later. My ETA was 8 minutes after the group interview was about to start, but my soft tyres and tripping phone compass made me be later. When I was 20 minutes away, I received a phone call from one of the co-recruiters, who asked if I could come the next day, because I had missed the introduction round.

My videos are rarely watched, so I’m not incentivized to upload them, but here’s some evidence of me cycling there. (The dress code was informal, so that’s why I was dressed like that.)

In one of the videos I say: “I’ll get the job, for sure.” And I got it 🙂

June 30, I worked at Concert at Sea for a day. My job was to sell bus tickets from the festival to the camping.

All geared up…

After working [from 7 the morning until like 7 in the evening] in the burning hot sun all day, I went to the coffeeshop near my grandmother’s house. I met someone there, who took me to a house party. When something happened there – I’m a total noob when it comes to illegal activities, so I didn’t get what was going on – and we all had to dash away, that person was holding my bag – I practice an intense form of trust – with my phone, my keys, my passport, my driver’s license, the author’s copy of the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum I, which is now unpublished, the book of a friend of mine and the notebook I bought in France. I took so many things with me, because I considered running away again.

After dashing away and being without my phone and keys around midnight, I followed someone else who was at that party, to his home and stayed with him until my first day of work at the ANWB. It was a form of escaping things…

The vacancy I applied for, at the ANWB, was for processing holiday insurance claims related to transportation. The hotline side of it. It was a Summer function. I worked there from July 2 until September 2. It was quite stressful and a huge challenge for my temper. Nevertheless, I’ve been a very loyal employee. I’ve only missed one day of work and the amount of cases I’ve processed was far beyond the average.

Because of my occupation and work hours, I could go back to living with “my parents” without them complaining about that I don’t have a job and that I’m at home too much. I often worked on the weekends. The shift hours varied between 8 AM – 04:30 PM and 01:30 PM – 10 PM. The late shift was my favorite, because I had more time to sleep and it was easier for me to not get caught when I got high after work every day.

During my time there, I also had assignment deadlines from The Open University. My year started in January, so my break is from September until January. Not long after my contract ending at the ANWB, I had my final assessments of the curriculum. For Statistics, the assignments could be done at home. For Mathematics, I had to make an exam in a conference room at a hotel in The Hague on September 21. By means of being able to fully concentrate while studying, I checked in on the 20th and checked out on the 22nd. I passed Statistics with 58% and Mathematics with 70%.

In between then and now, a lot has happend. To summarize it all – because reflecting on this all makes me so sad, I prefer to keep it as short as possible – I’ve been kicked out a few times. Because the natural circumstances in the Netherlands cause fear with me, and I’m usually not allowed to travel long distances, I took this opportunity and went to Germany [which was what my budget allowed. Of course, I would have gone to California if I could], among other reasons.

I took that opportunity to continue the medical research, which I did on October 11, I believe. I’m bound to seeking medical assistance abroad, because my Dutch phycisian (P. Khajehi) solely believes that I’m mentally insane and thus does not take my medical complaints seriously.

In Germany, at some point my bag was stolen, in which were my bank cards, my passport, my external hard drives, my grey notebook, my earrings, my copy of Letters from a Stoic and other valuables. I was bound to going home, because working there became impossible. Now, I’m staying with family friends in Amsterdam.

On December 23, I got the idea to attempt to accomplish my endeavor via politics, instead of via independent business, because I don’t have a lot of money, and it could be accomplished faster via politics. This plan is now in development. You can follow the process in my online diary, as well as a lot of other things.

Because I aspire a career on the highest level humanly possible, I want my records to resemble the real me. Currently, that is not the case.

Here’s a quick impression of the current state of my medical record [but I my nationality is Dutch, so that’s unfortunately “what counts” in most of my life].

We weren’t done with all of the research yet. The Harnwegsinfection includes white blood cells and keeps returning, even after antibiotics.

They also gave me haldol, fluanxol, abilify, quetiapine, lorazepam and the list goes on

They did not follow the law. I find the existence of the psychiatric law something very scary. I didn’t know about its existence, until I was suddenly stuck in the middle of it.

I’m not dumb and vague. They’re just not able to understand my level of intelligence.

I don’t agree with any of the shit that is in my medical record, to this day. Except the findings from Germany, but that’s not in my Dutch medical record.

I haven’t said all I want to say, in this article, but what I want to say, has been mentioned in my online diary so very often already, I don’t want to put myself through it again. This article was finished Monday, December 24, 18:48.

Happy holidays ♥.

I’m pro international technocracy, by the way.

Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts, Random Thoughts, Reflections

D. O. C. I. S. 


The abbreviation in the name of the international business I intend to start, called D.O.C.I.S. International, stands for:







Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2

Copyright © 2018 by Lil Fangs. All rights reserved.
Sharing content of this book is only allowed when it is mentioned that the source is this copy.

ISBN: 9789082936834

D.O.C.I.S. International



Within the new Standard we shape

Determined and Strategic Decisions, fast like Bliksem

We’ll Create a whole new System

From the routinous Life, this is your Escape

These Words are Written for Unification

Feel my Sincerity

Towards the Power of Our Creation

To See Real Prosperity





The Overall Insight of the Series

Every individual should have the right to live independent from the political and financial systems we have been born into, is one of the core aspects of the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.

The complex of institutions, governments and a lot of things happening “out of sight”, can determine someone’s entire life. The philosophy says that that is wrong. It can give someone the sole purpose of living for consumerism, while he or she actually has the capacity to be so much more than a consumer working to pay for his or her consumerism. Our hearts crave more freedom of choice in the way we spend our time. To some, including me, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, the construction of this system negatively influences the conscious. I am not going to wait around until a person of power makes the societal change I need to see, in order for me to live happily. It includes that Earth needs to be a safe and healthy place for everyone, anywhere. To create this, internationally, D.O.C.I.S. International is my initiative.

I don’t want to be another person who only talks about how things could become better, but never brings real solutions into practice. In this book, I explain to you how I intend to take my steps. To determine the success of the strategy of the organization, Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the introduction project of D.O.C.I.S. International. A combination of research and entertainment, intended to work together on our own compound, in search of more sustainable survival methods, and to inform the public of our findings in an engaging way. I hope that our paths will intertwine and that we’ll write history together.

To fit everything into a semi-modern phrase: “I think Earth needs a make-over.” I think I’ve found a way to make a change and have fun at the same time. You are fully free to decide how you spend your time, when you choose for Re-Illu as your government.

After reading this episode, you are in possession of the knowledge needed to obtain a function in D.O.C.I.S. International. This free episode is written [written, like all other episodes, in the D.O.C.I.S. International type of series] I’m basically trying to start a new society that lives in a different system that is economically parallel [parallel, because people should have the right to choose in what system they live] for the recruitment will be ready to seat yourself in your special Council member chair and provide the world with the changes it needs. If you decide to become part D.O.C.I.S. International network and you become elected, the chair is yours.

Also, you will be fully up-to-date with the past and present of the company and you will know the ins and outs of the fields the organization will be active in and what its strategies lead towards. Hopefully you will participate in the process.

D.O.C.I.S. International is currently a sole proprietor business, owned by Lil Fangs. Her vision for this company, is described in a long conversation between her and her alter alter ego Daniëlle Lucy, who she considers an improved version of self.

This way of breaking down real business content, in an imaginary setting, shows the stances of Fangs in a lot of controversies. How exactly her stances have been established, will be explained throughout the main content of this book as well. Its main purpose is, however, to serve as a guide for those who would like to live by the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International and obtain a position of power, within the organization.

Here is an explanation of the text format:

Name: This is a thought from Name.

Name: “These are words spoken by Name.”

Actions are described in regular prose.

Nosce Te Ipsum

*The intentions of the project, what will stay and what will change, how this will be done*

Lil Fangs: The wind whistles, as it rapidly flows past the closed pink shell. The water is splashing in my face, from the fast movement and the turbulence. The muscles of the scallop are so strong that I only hear the wind and don’t feel it. I try to convince myself that I’m asleep. I don’t dare to open my eyes.

Lil Fangs: Out of nowhere, in a sort of momentum, I’m pushed further into the violet tongue, which is my bed and pillow at the same time. I’m now pressed against it so deeply, that the muscle touches my crown, and the other half of my face is covered in water. 

Lil Fangs: Okay, that must have been the landing, about which I’ve been taught in Fang School. It wasn’t that bad. Descending from the Moon towards the Earth wasn’t that bad either. 

Lil Fangs: The shell opens. It hovers above the ocean, which has the notch of an inverted cupola in it, which resembles the impact of the shell that dashed down to Earth, the way a meteor does – besides that it hovers.

Daniëlle Lucy: “What did you just see in your Mind’s Eye? From the way you stare into the distance, I know you’re going through a lot of mental images and emotions at the same time.”

Lil Fangs: “It was the introduction scene of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I have in mind, along with what I would truly feel, if what happened in the scene wasn’t fictive. The scene is a short and very literal parody on The Birth of Venus.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I would love to see that vision in real life! Do you still intend to make that movie, now that the Nosce Te Ipsum book series are under change?”

Lil Fangs: “I appreciate your interest and enthusiasm so much, my Cuddle♥. I would loveeee to make it. Especially because the cast I’ve written down for it – I’m such a dreamer – consists of professionals from not only the field of entertainment… There’s so much information in it, which is a great form of showing that formal functions and entertainment do go hand-in-hand! I haven’t told anyone about the details of the movie yet. If I convince others of the potential success and positive impact of the movie, then the movie will be made, for sure! It’s also a great way to show another way in which D.O.C.I.S. International publishes and it’s a muuuuch better way to reach the masses. Hopefully I’ll get people excited for my alternative ecosystem.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I’m glad that you are still eager to spread the knowledge you have collected for the series. But you have given me the knowledge of Nosce Te Ipsum to use to write Volta. Don’t you just want to be the person who shares the knowledge?”

Lil Fangs: “I’m afraid that, since the content of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is so broad, at some point it will touch on the lives of every single person om this planet, I should use the version of myself that is fully at peace with everyone and everything, which is you, so that they know for sure, that I don’t have bad intentions. With the project, my power will be as great as that of all presidents, kings and queens in one. You know how the masses are being manipulated into taking sides, without thinking about it themselves. With only mentioning this alias, or our real name, people can already have a negative bias these days. I fear that they won’t love me. I want to be loved…”

Daniëlle Lucy: “I might express myself in a more peaceful manner, but we’re the same person. We shouldn’t sweat ourselves for those who will feel negative about us, without wanting to put in some effort and energy to understand what we do and to understand how harmless our project is. The scale of the project is very large, so the main topics have been spread over several books. Let’s change this conversation around a little bit.”

The Scope of Project Nosce Te Ipsum

The goal of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the recruitment and elections for positions in the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International, followed by all of the community moving to the corporate island state, if I’m able to find good investors… Until now, I haven’t been able to find people who understand the concept I narrow down in my books. I really hope you will understand. The process goes as follows:

  • Informing
    Informing you about the philosophy of our business and the alternative system we want to create. This episode gives you more information about how you can engage in our projects, too.
  • The recruitment and election period
    During the project, if you decide to join, you could prepare your case for The Online Think Tank of The D.O.C.I.S. Community or Re-Illu – the Committees and Senate that will form the corporate governance of the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International – and design your own living, for on the corporate land.
  • Saturnalia
    We initiate with the real life community on a miniature compound until D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang is finished according to our standards. (If you become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, you can vote which one the first official name will be!) To celebrate our new life, we – the D.O.C.I.S. Community = will start it off with a Saturnalia festival with a benefit for all of Earth’s citizens.

Daniëlle Lucy: “I know you are fed up with no one buying your books and that this is having a bad influence on your self-confidence. But you have been studying the system for that long, I am certain that you will find the audience that will engage in your works! I find that you are the perfect person to be the Praesens of Re-Illu. After you have finished my training, the fate of all of The D.O.C.I.S. Community will be sealed!”

Lil Fangs: “It’s tough when you put in a lot of effort into something you’re passionate about and it’s not appreciated enough to make a living from. Really tough… But your words excite me! I love you so much! Thank you for helping me <3. There is this alternative and more sustainable ecosystem I have a strategy for, as part of the new country I want to start. I need my self-confidence back, to present it well…”


The way morals and values play a role in my business strategy, as well as its persistence in its perseverance, will be broken down in this chapter.

In this book, the setting in which the business content is broken down, is imaginary, for the time being, because D.O.C.I.S. International is not yet the multi-component holding it intends to be. The imaginative setting makes it easier to bring up the topics you need to be informed of in order to benefit from the final form of the organization.

The story takes place in The Cuddle Palace, where Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs live, together with the rest of their Royal Resistance. In the Nosce Te Ipsum series [not Project Nosce Te Ipsum, because that takes place in real life] Planet Fang is a planet on which Fangyists live. A Fangyist is someone who looks human, but who has non-human anatomy and/or who follows the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.


Lil Fangs was taken by the hand, by Daniëlle Lucy. While they continued their conversation, they walked across the palace, to a room. In front of the engraved dark oak wood double doors, they stop walking. She now holds Fangs’s hand with both her hands, while she says…

Daniëlle Lucy: “The first thing we’ll train, is your corporate defense. You’ll have to walk through this door by yourself. Every time you need to make a decision, I’ll freeze time, to hear the justification of your choice. To prepare you against your enemy, this is all the information I will give you about what is waiting behind that door.”

Lil Fangs: “Okay… I’m very curious…”

She opens the door. From everywhere, she’s blinded by flashing lights. A hundred people in formal clothing run towards her, with cameras and microphones. An even larger crowd is watching her being ambushed from behind “dranghekken” [translate the Dutch word to your native language. This is a small course in Dutch as well, since that is my native language] the way they’re aligned during the entry of Sinterklaas. They’re yelling all kinds of hateful things at her.

Lil Fangs: Holy shit… These people must be out for dirt… If this were not so, I would have been approached in a normal way. THEY WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN TAKING ME DOWN. WE NEED CHANGE!! THAT WHOLE FUCKING DIRT INDUSTRY SHOULDN’T EXIST!! THEY PROFIT OFF OF WARS THAT DAMAGE HUMAN LIVES – BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH THAT SHIT FOR ENTERTAINMENT??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS PLACE?! – AND THE POLLUTION OF OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENT. Now I know what type of defending I’m getting ready for. Of course, to them, I shouldn’t raise my voice… For a second, I thought that she was going to let me fight, haha. These media people get paid for attempting to destroy my name. Their existence is solely for incentivizing people to talk, and they only let people talk about how we are not succeeding, instead of how to succeed. That’s why I’m convinced that D.O.C.I.S. International should have the primate in publishing media. Everywhere. What we’ll published is focused on prosperity instead of destruction. But it’s only if the majority of people wants it… Is Daniëlle preparing me to work with Earth people…?

A suited up, tall brunette in heels, wearing a black suit and a pink tie, walks to Fangs in a straight line. Her hands are empty. The crowd moves aside for her, the way the sea spread for Moses(?).

Name and trustableness are currently unknown: “Good afternoon, Fangs. Please follow me.”

Lil Fangs: “Okay… Gezellig. Who are you? And where are we going?”

Lil Fangs: I don’t have much of a choice… Is she here to help, or is she here for dirt…?

Evella de Vrieskou: “Oh, sorry for not introducing myself first. My name is Evella de Vrieskou. I saw you being so overwhelmed by all of those camera’s, from my office window. I’m an author for the media publishing company that works in this tower.”

She points her perfectly French manicured nails towards the huge glass tower they’re walking towards.

Lil Fangs: “Oh. What type of works do you write? Are you going to let me wait in your office, until the cameras are gone?”

Lil Fangs: Why the fuck do some people always say that I’m physically expressing that I don’t have things under control? Externally, I was completely silent, so why does she say that I’m overwhelmed? I really don’t like when people want to tell me how I feel and they do it incorrectly. She must have a microphone on her. My annoyance makes me more eager to defend myself. I really am a good leader, and I will let her know.

Evella de Vrieskou:  “Haha, no… I’ve been anonymously watching you for a while and when I saw the way you were ambushed just now, I figured you’ll want an opportunity to prove that you are a good person. I quickly approached some of your supporters via social media and they want to help you prove the great potential future success of your strategy!”

Lil Fangs: “Well, that’s great! I have been craving for a good speaking opportunity! My target audience is hard to reach, because it requires a special type of intelligence to understand my words, and the people with that intelligence aren’t enthusiastic about social media either, so I’m very surprised and happy at the same time, that you have been able to find my supporters.”

Lil Fangs: The words I would have rather said, are: “NOT. WITHOUT. MY. LAWYER.” Because I know she won’t argue in favor of me. How do you casually assemble a crowd full of haters to stand there? She’ll probably use this dirt to write a bestseller or something. I stood there for like 30 seconds… There’s no way calling “my supporters” was an impulse she had just now. It takes longer than 30 seconds for her to get out of the building, so the must be part of the ambushing complot…. I’m far too used to fake people acting as if they want to help me and then they end up doing the most hurtful things. This is a challenge for my temper, because I’m so tired of them. It is very important for me to stay calm – so to not raise my voice as I defend myself – because they’ll use that as dirt, too. I might be able to be very loud, but in my strategies, I’m very calm.

As they enter the building, they’re trailed by a crowd of applauding and cheering people. The looks in their eyes makes it seem as if they all just won the lottery.

Evella leads her to the same double doors Daniëlle led Fangs to, in the parallel universe. Before the door, she stops and they face each other.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Aside from being an author, I’m also the host of a very popular TV show. Don’t you know “Het Trending Journaal”? My studio is my office. Welcome!”

She pushes down the door handle and opens it in one explosive motion. This time, the lights Fangs is blinded by the spotlights of the stage she’s walking on to. There are two dark blue lecterns slightly diagonally facing each other in front of something that looks like a formal bar stool.

Lil Fangs: [softly] “Thank you…”

The red curtains are not fully opened. Evella accepts a microphone, then passes Fangs and walks in front of her as she enters the part of the stage that is fully visible by the audience. Fangs stops at the line that indicates the coulissen, as she waits for her announcement and watches Evella’s hips move as she walks and seats herself on the black leather seating surface of the barstool with titanium legs, facing the audience.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Good evening, my lovies. Today, we finally have our chance to speak to the often discussed Lil Fangs. She doesn’t know about our show, so she doesn’t exactly know about what we’re talking about and about how she’s wrong, but today we’ll finally get our justice and answers. You might want to know who her opponent will be, well…”

Lil Fangs: Grrrrr…..

She stands up and for a few seconds she gazes at her audience while she has her arms across her body and her microphone in her right hand. Then, in her motion of turning around, she says:

Evella de Vrieskou: “It’s me…”

And she walks to the lectern that is furthest away from the wings [coulissen], to stand behind it. Introduction music with a lot of bass starts to play.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Please join us, Fangs…”

The audience starts to scream and applaud. Fangs walks towards the other dark blue lectern on the beige stage surface. The sound made her right eye twitch a little.

Lil Fangs: “Thank you for having me here.”

The background beat becomes louder. Evella starts to move along with the music.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Listen, you say your name is Lil Fangs. You think you’re real, but you’re not even doing real thangs. You’re doing all of this, solely because you want fame, and that while you’re not even part of the rap game.”

Lil Fangs: “It’s a shame that you claim that that is the aim behind my name. People like you are the reason I would rather get high by myself. In twelve reasons why my name is this fly, it includes my calm, while untamed in this realm, with this world in my palm. Now that I see your sitcom, this is a waste of my time, you’re too dumb. You don’t worry about flood, while I think of the taste of your blood.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “You’re bad, so just listen. You’re too young to change the system. You’re still at your mother’s house, with no spouse. Not running a big business. Not even in the world of Guinness. You’re a spy in disguise. You lying is not a surprise. After so many tries. No income, yes price. I’m a bad bitch, I need ice.”

Lil Fangs: “Don’t think of me as you when you were twenty two. My intelligence makes me find my own information. I want my freedom and for that I need my own nation. I think I would be hot as a spy, but that’s not what I do so nice try. And I just don’t understand how someone can be able to use an emotional trauma from bad financial circumstances in that context. It’s just a tough audience… How long were you planning to continue with this?”

The music stops.

Evella de Vrieskou: “Are you backing out?”

Lil Fangs: “No. Let’s make this a real debate. What other claims did you want to make about me?”

Evella de Vrieskou: “Only two…”

Lil Fangs: “Please tell me! I’m veryyyyy interested to know.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “Your first start-up, Elia PR (, in 2016, was unsubscribed in less than six months. We don’t expect you to last long with this business either. What went wrong with your previously unsubscribed business?”

Lil Fangs: “I lost all of my clients even before I started to do business with them… I’m so passionate about achieving my goals, that I’ll never stop working on them. It’s a very long story I have been repetitiously explaining throughout my online diary.”

Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean you lost them?”

Lil Fangs: “Just like for this business, I started the business with no investors and a self-maintained website. It was hard to find clients that would be an asset to the portfolio of my business for public relations for individuals.

The two sole proprietor businesses – both owners I knew personally, before I started Elia PR – I was making a campaign for, both backed out when I gave them their quotation. Even though I had one of the lowest rates ever, they refused to pay. They expected me to do it for free, because we were acquainted, but since I started without investors and without savings, I couldn’t do that, so I lost them.

Not long afterwards, I found the perfect client. My sudden extreme faith in him wasn’t appreciated by the two relatives who have authority over me, because they didn’t know if they could trust him, they said.

They went as far as convincing people from the psychiatric industry that the client was a bad influence and that I was in a psychotic state. I couldn’t get out of the surveillance they had put me under, because they were not open to letting me prove my perspective and my authority was reduced illegally, so I decided to run away.

The same relatives then initiated an international police search mission in which they involved my client. There’s nothing more embarrassing than that, when you’re a business owner/your career is your main focus, I think. In their search campaign, they included negative statements about my mental well-being that were false. It is true that the authorities I was subjected to, made my feelings of powerlessness and thoughts of suicide worse, but I never lost my sense of direction. I never left the house in a confused state. It was my own decision to move that way, in an attempt for real freedom.

Yet no one believes my story. They believe my relatives, saying that I have no sense of reality and that me being less happy and spontaneous is caused by that mental illness, while it comes from the emotional damage that their treatment has given me.

I have been able to reduce the surveillance, but – even though I’ve been trying – I’ve never been able to reach that client again. After I lost him, those same relatives forced me to unsubscribe my business. I still feel grief when I think of the moment I signed for its unsubscription. I will never let them influence my business decisions again.”

Lil Fangs: I don’t like telling the same story over and over again… But for the sake of those who do want to walk this path with me, I want to make everything clear.

I hope people understand why I register a business without investors and clients. The investor needs to be paid back in more than full. By postponing his/her engagement, I’ve given myself more time and space to research my audience its behavior and adapt my service to them.

Now, for D.O.C.I.S. International, the time has come to find them. The clock is ticking and it’s getting harder for me to keep my audience’s attention.

Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean that you will persevere, when the businesses you’ve started were in completely different branches? And how did you get the idea that you’re able to change the system? Much older and much better educated people have been at that for decades and our world is still like this. And how do you expect to win people’s trust if you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia?”

Lil Fangs: Is she sure that she has been reading my blog… I’ve been explaining the same thing for months.

Lil Fangs: “The goal of the multi-component organization I want my company to grow out into, has never changed. The alternative system is what I live for… Only my approach how to get there has changed.

With the PR business, I would reach my audience by campaigns and the interactive blog everyone could post on. With Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International, I reach my audience with what I publish and I’m personally approachable for business enquiries.

I need people to accompany me in my creative path, for the business to grow. Both businesses include a large recruitment campaign in the broad range of fields of the multi-component organization will be active in.

Sure, people might have tried to make changes to the system. Some might even have succeeded without you knowing.

The idea of a perfect system is always subjective. I hope that my idea will be seen as perfect by the majority or at least a community big enough to be seen as a minority.

Because of the subjectivity, I do not intend to get everyone on my side. I believe that people shouldn’t be forced to choose a path, and thus it is important that becoming part of the system of D.O.C.I.S. International is a well thought-out decision about which the individual is fully informed. By not making it mandatory, I also have the chance to filter out the best and most motivated people.

I know what needs to be done to set in motion a parallel financial cycle, where we’re financially unaffected by what happens in the other system, and I have the knowledge to give everyone the basic essentials of life and more, including the perfect occupation, for an infinite period of time, with guarantee. This knowledge I have from observing our current system and some self-initiated research.

Because of the diagnosis that has been given to me – a diagnosis I do not agree with at all – I expect most people to not listen to me, but to look for signals of the illness. In my diary, have written everything down about my thoughts, beliefs and experiences, from the outmost personal perspective, with the intention of showing you the reasons why I believe that I am not a schizophrenic. The reader is free to decide what he or she believes. That’s something I live by.”

Time freezes with everyone in it, except Fangs. A bright light and big cloud of smoke appear on the leather surface of the chair on the podium. With her legs crossed and her hands on her right knee on top, she emerges out of the ether, saying:

Daniëlle Lucy: “Instead of talking about the actual content of your diary, she’s still only touching the surface. Some Earthlings aren’t able to grasp the idea of the alternative system you speak of so often, so then they start to make weak statements about you, like she did. I think you’ve done well.”

Lil Fangs: “Thank you. Her stance still eats at me a little. I have the feeling I haven’t used my best arguments yet. I found her so extremely biased.”

Daniëlle Lucy: “Unfortunately, that really is something we can’t avoid. Your content is too much and too unique for people to quickly understand all of it, so those without patience will resort to a negative bias very fast.

With the next person you’ll talk to, you won’t have to worry about that at all! It is a famous character from your Nosce Te Ipsum series! Your next challenge is to recruit him/her for the right function in your organization.”

Lil Fangs: “That’s great! I’ve been waiting for that for so long.”

Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem

This takes place in a simulation of a big deserted island, which has an oasis in the middle of it. Fangs has prepared a picnic and a contract.

Lil Fangs: “Hi, I’m Dominique. You must be here for your recruitment.”

She gets up from the big flying carpet, to shake your hand. You appeared from the smoke and the big bright white light in front of the picnic scene.

The way questions have been numbered is a continuation of the previous Nosce Te Ipsum episode.

You: “Yes, I am!”

You shake hands.

Lil Fangs: “That’s awesome! Please join me on this carpet. I’ll show you the land that will be turned into D.O.C.I.S. International’s corporate island, while I ask you some questions that lead to the conclusion of your recruitment. Also, please don’t hold back with eating! Want a fig?”

She stretches out her arm to hand you the fig.

You: “_________________________”15

Path type

Lil Fangs: “Project Nosce Te Ipsum has three paths for the recruitment for D.O.C.I.S. International. Each path has its own rewards and expectations. Which one would you pick?”

  1. Practitioner
    On this path, the least of your time will be filled with the occupations that come with choosing D.O.C.I.S. International. The only thing you need to do is complete the series.
    “The Practitioner is part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. He or she gains access to gathering locations on earthly compounds – after we’ve established them – by completing the online questionnaire that comes with every Nosce Te Ipsum episode after signing up at the D.O.C.I.S. International website. I’ll get to that around the 29th…”
    D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique)
  2. Illuminatus
    The Illuminatus/Illuminata [Illuminati] path is also the name of a subject group in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. He or she earns the title from completing an assignment for D.O.C.I.S. International. You could choose from the following categories:

    1. Statistics
    2. Retail/Export
    3. Psychology
    4. Neuroscience
    5. Medicine
    6. Mathematics
    7. Linguistics
    8. Entertainment
    9. Engineering
    10. Ecology
    11. Design
    12. Culture
    13. Crisis Management
    14. Athleticism
    15. Artificial Intelligence
    16. Architecture and Real Estate
    17. (Mass) Technology
    18. (International) Politics
    19. (International) Law
    20. (International) Economics
    21. (International) Business
    22. Fangyism

    “[Chair level Senate @ Re-Illu]”
    D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique)

  3. Illuminatus Intelligens
    The Illuminatus Intelligens completes assignments in all categories we will operate in. The Parliament of Re-Illu sets out the benefits related assignments for everyone in The D.O.C.I.S. Community.

“Chair level Parliament [of the private holding D.O.C.I.S. International [is what I hope, since I’m looking for investors…]]

How about a “bring your own pan” tea party? At the festival?”
D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique)

[Indicate your path of choice with a capital letter] You: “_______________”16

Collective Function

Resources owned by D.O.C.I.S. International are, when they are at its disposition locations, free is you are a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community.

Lil Fangs: “We offer the following collective functions. Please choose one:

  1. Leading
  2. Controlling
  3. Consulting”

You: “__________________________”17

The D.O.C.I.S. Community

The sole proprietorship D.O.C.I.S. International is in search of investors and network members on the path of international expansion, where we could – if you, my dear reader, decide to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community – start a new society on the corporate land of D.O.C.I.S. International, if I’ll be able to find investors after releasing this free ebook…

If you are interested in becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, I will need your contact information and the budgeting of all of your essentials, because becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community means becoming part of a new system.

To become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please fill out the form on and send the following information in your first application assignment – if you have submitted your application.

In your submission, please include the following:

  • Please introduce yourself 😀
  • Your motivation and aspirations regarding to becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International.
  • Your answers to the questions one to fifteen of the newest Nosce Te Ipsum series.
  • Your contact information (of preference)
  • Your answer to the question: “What do/would you like to occupy yourself with on a regular basis?”
  • Your answer to the question: “What do you need money for in your daily life?”

The e-mail may not include attachment files. Only text… This for security reasons. I will be reviewing the e-mails manually. Please submit your application to becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community to: and make the subject: “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.

You can keep your e-mail very simple. You could stick to this format:

“The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.


[Introduction of self]

My answers to the questions in the newest Nosce Te Ipsum episodes are:

  • *Your first answer*
  • *Every next answer on the next row, until your fifteenth answer*

[Your answer to the question about the occupation you prefer to have on a regular basis]

[What you need money for in your daily life]

[Ending and salutation]


If you’re interested in investing in D.O.C.I.S. International, please include this in the e-mail, too!

You could keep up with the development of D.O.C.I.S. International during Project Nosce Te Ipsum

The recruitment positions will be announced during the benefit I intend to organize for Christmas. If you’re interested in helping me out, as member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please let me know, too!

I’ll be writing.

I love you!




Blog, Drafts, Ex Animo, Reflections

Opposing views and speaking my mind

We engage ourselves in social interactions. All human beings have a unique perception of reality. If I were to describe the core of the contents of verbal communication, I would definitely include that the partakers in conversations, make statements about their personal experience of life. Some descriptions of this perception, can lead to discussions. 

To solely study, or to convince? 

I think that there is a lesson in most forms of communication. [Is dit populisme???????]

[Meow.] …

… Towards an example of a conversation leading to: “I avoid giving my opinion, when my view is the opposite of a stated opinion, because I know the person I am talking to, does not intend to learn from me, and thus solely force his/her opinion on me.”

This choice, I see as something that could, in the long term, manifest good and/or bad situations. 


[Meow.] …

For telling white lies instead of speaking the truth, I feel that in the way randomness in time manifests itself, things could turn out in a way that is opposite to someone’s preference. This stance is based on my perception of life, and could be interpreted otherwise, by someone else. 

It is as if the universe is telling me that I have done something wrong, and I need to seek a method to redeem from my wrong decision, to return to the path where my experience is in accordance with my preferred perception of life. To steer my mind towards better symmetry. 

The Path

[Meow.] Define what I mean by “The Path” and pose “negatives in current situation” and “description of improved situation”. Describe the method to find The Path. 

Volta is about The Path. 

Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

“Lil Fangs” is a temporary name

Until my name is cleared… 

This is a long story…….

Should I keep it short? 

My actual poet’s alias/composers name/writer’s alias is Δοκις, or “Docis”. 

As long as my name isn’t cleared and I can’t deliver the exact work I want to deliver, I don’t want to publish anything under the name that looks like the name of my organization. 

My name being cleared means that my side of the story is heard on the same scale as the story that is far from the truth, which has been spread over a scale so large that it worries me, when it comes to my future as a publicist. 

I can deliver the exact work I want to deliver, when I have assembled a team of creative and ambitious people, who I’ll then be able to compensate for the work they do. I’m currently doing everything [artwork, website maintenance, making beats, proofreading, the submission of the manuscripts to several distribution services, etc.] myself. In some fields, such as design, more time and effort is needed, which would be of better quality and be of more efficient use of time, when done by someone else. I need to earn/save up for this, though… That’s one of the purposes of the Nosce Te Ipsum book series… 

Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

My Interview with Smashwords

What do your supporters mean to you?
My supporters are my happiness. It is so comforting to know that there are so many more people out there, who are like me. I wouldn’t know what to do, without them…

What are you working on next?
The second episode of the first book of Nosce Te Ipsum I. The research questions for the entire series, I already have. The exact content of an episode, I like to write on-the-go, to give my audience a real-time update of the status of the project they’re a part of.

Who are your favorite authors?
I love Ovid, Seneca and whoever wrote or writes example sentences in (online) dictionaries… (So much of my time I spend writing, that I rarely read…)

What inspires you to get out of bed each day?
Project Nosce Te Ipsum! It leaves so much room for me to combine the skills I have. Another thing I love about it, is how it can bring together people from all over the world.

When you’re not writing, how do you spend your time?
When I’m not writing, I’ll probably be working out, playing the piano, cooking or hanging out :]. I spend most of my time writing, though.

Do you remember the first story you ever wrote?
Unfortunately, I don’t remember the first story. I do vaguely remember a story I wrote, with a character named “Lord of The Dark”, when I was about 10… I wrote it, because with the class for children with a high IQ, we were hosting the visitation of a Dutch author, and I wanted to give her something. I find it saddening that I don’t have a back-up of the story… Just like I don’t have back-ups from the stories I’ve written before that.

What is your writing process?
I reason out the main story-line first. After that, I make a short summary of bullet points, per chapter. The summary is only an indirect reminder for me to not fly off the main story-line (too far).

How do you approach cover design?
Because I make the covers myself, and I always want to publish a book as soon as possible, I tend to keep it simple. For the old episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I, for example, I re-used old images.

The constant rush is because I want to start Project Nosce Te Ipsum as soon as possible [for the togetherness :D] and I want to write myself out of student debt…

What is your e-reading device of choice?
My laptop, of which I can flip the screen in such a way that it can become a tablet, is my favorite e-reading device. I like that the device is larger than regular e-readers and I can make notes in the ebooks. I always make notes in the books I read… [I prefer paper over screens!]

Describe your desk 
Messy, too low and too small… Sitting behind it always makes my back hurt after a while, because I’m too tall for it, but this is the only size desk that fits into my bedroom. I used to study behind it, in high school, but now it’s more to store things on that don’t fit into my closets. A mannequin head I don’t have, so my wig hangs over my high black desk lamp. (I live with my parents… I want to emigrate, but I can’t, yet…)

I often write at the large dark yellow desk in my father’s home office, at the dinner table or at the dinner table in our small backyard.

Where did you grow up, and how did this influence your writing?
I grew up in Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. Very great parts of my childhood, I have spent with my grandparents. My grandmother (father’s mother) used to be a teacher and my grandfather (mother’s father) had a profession like the one I have now [doing multiple things independently, in multiple fields…]. They taught me how to read and write, before I went to school. They also encouraged me to keep writing.

My grandmother (born and raised in Surinam, just like the rest of most of my family) has worked and lived in England and the United States, before she moved to the Netherlands. She taught me British English, before I went to school. I think it’s because of American English media in the Netherlands, that I have an American English accent and adapt my grammar to that. 

Gymnasium is a level of middle and high school education in the Netherlands, where you are taught Latin and old Greek. I think I have the tendency to write long sentences, from translating Latin.

Published 2018-09-25.

Click here to see the source

Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Do you believe that I will make it? 

My Cuddle,

Today, it’s the 22nd of September. As usual, I have given myself so much work that even talking to a friend/acquaintance who I’ve ran into, feels like an extreme waste of time, for every minute I spend working on project Nosce Te Ipsum, makes such a big difference in the long term.

Healthy would be to make the release later than the 30th. The 40 hours per week work agreement I’ve used to earn a small self-investment in this company, ended on the 2nd of this month. And then there were my final exams, of which the last one was yesterday.

Unfortunately, some factors in my personal situation don’t allow me to take my time to establish this project. (It’s not that bad, though, because I’ve already thought everything out. I only need to put it on paper/the internet…)

Here’s what I intend to do before the 30th:

  • Write a preface for the combined edition of the two previously deleted [deleted by myself, because some content could be considered very controversial, but this huge controversy isn’t the essence] NTI episodes and publish this
  • Write out the summary I’ve made for the new official first episode of NTI and publish this [with my publisher’s license, I still need to purchase]
  • Change the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page on this website
  • Make D.O.C.I.S. International a non-single-page website, which includes sign-up forms, polls and a members-only forum
  • Make online ads for the book and the project

With these steps, I’m trying to achieve the following:

  • Through Project Nosce Te Ipsum, conduct international research, in search of the Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, which will be used as the scope of D.O.C.I.S. International’s initiatives to boost our evolutionary process
  • Grow a community of today’s (new) pioneers
  • Make the Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate acknowledged in such a way, school isn’t a necessity to ensure yourself of a(n) [constant] income
  • Put into practice my plan for a movie that relates to the book episodes, along with some self-composed music

I really hope you’ll participate, my Cuddle :]. It would be so nice to have our own island…

Even though we’d then have our own island, our evolutionary aid could be in every country, if they’re open to it and if 75% [or 60%, not 50.01%! Preferred is 100%… I want real consensi…] of the D.O.C.I.S. International Council agrees with doing this. Our members who decide not to live on Planet Fang, will have acces to our aid, still. Anyone who participates in Project Nosce Te Ipsum, can become a member. Once, for a lifetime :]. (But of course you can always resign.)

Blog, Images, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

02:13 (AM) 

My Cuddle! 

I have decided to delete parts of what I’ve previously written in this post. This diary has been used for me to vent, sometimes. As you might have noticed… It doesn’t leave room for the other anonymous party I was venting about to vent and it was just a minor aspect I needed to vent about, so what’s the point of keeping it in my history, right? [The “You’ve hurt me too often. I want to run away and never come back.” “You’re insane and irresponsible! Fine, stay away!!!” messages are something else. Dat is bijna strafbaar.]

(Re-stated) other things I wrote:

I guess, for about two years now, to the many people whom I have told: “Yes, we’re friends! I’ll definitely involve you in my business, once I get there!”: I really want to take those words back. To me, it isn’t right to let someone who only comes around for the end result, who hasn’t put effort in understanding what it is in the first place, to have an administrator-like role in the project… That role is for my readers! If you’re interestedd. 

While making that statement about being friends, I thought that that person is trustable and loving. Now that, in the eyes of “society”, I have been called crazy, I see how many people have turned their backs against me. To these “friends”: I wish these people all the best in life. I PRAY I WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! 

If you only knew how much it hurts to see others, I thought I could trust, watch me struggle for myself to be heard, while they could have helped me in the blink of an eye. THE ONLY GODDAMN THING YOU HAD TO DO IS SAY: “YES, I BELIEVE YOU.” AND THEN TELL THOSE FUCKING DUMB PSYCHIATRISTS THE SAME FUCKING THING. But unfortunately they didn’t do this. All of them already assumed that I’m crazy, before they heard my side of the story… (Fuck ’em :D.)

Often I say: “Yes, of course we’ll hang out, once I have some free time!” 

A true friend would study with me… Or write with me… Or talk about having self-made projects with me… I haven’t yet very closely befriended someone who has truly similar ambitions. (Some tell me that person doesn’t exist…) [By truly similar, I mean that I have project Nosce Te Ipsum and you have project “…”…… Or something else creative. If not: I DO NOT want your feedback!! Who the fuck actually thinks: “YAAAAY LEKKER AFGEZEKEN WORDEN!!!” NOT ME, FOR SURE! IT FUCKING HURTS SOOOOO MUCH!! I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU MY FULL STRATEGY YET. YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN IT’S THERE. WHY ALREADY BE NEGATIVE FOR NONSENSIC MINOR DETAILS? The essence of Cuddleship is about parties of active mutual engagement on the top level of (co)operation. (Sorry for the confusing “you’s”. I hope you can filter out which you are.)] But a lot of people I have spent time with are not that actively trying to make a change and use their creative intelligence. They just talk… It’s “fine” that they enjoy that. I do not enjoy that. This project is my passion. I’m not passionate about shit like Netflix, you’re not passionate about my things… We are not a right fit as “friends”.

I do not want to spend the little amount of free time I have with them. It’s way too stressful. You know what they say: “If you really want it, you should make time for it.” We could have hung out many times. My intentions are to never hang out with them again. [Not all of them¿] I just don’t want to be hurtful in a confronting manner… But they have done this to me way too often themselves. 


They try to teach me life lessons. That shit pisses me off so much, because in 10 years time they’ll still be fucking wandering themselves. It feels like an insult that they feel that I have to learn from them. I have more self-knowledge. Every time I ask them things about themselves, they say: “I don’t know.” USE THAT PHRASE ONCE, AND THE CONVERSATION IS OVER, TO ME? THINK!!!!! Why would I try explain myself in detail for that response every time… I dare you to write frequent diary posts? (Get to) know yourself! Want to do it here?

This is diary is not my full-time occupation. This is just my hobby to fill my up my “free time” with. I’m working on my book and the rest of my business strategy, which are soon to be released. It’s an uncommon concept! What it’s about and what my business exactly does, you will see when it’s there.


I want to work on my own projects… I want to write and do business!! I’m not running way again, though. I risk being jailed or monitored by psychiatrists for that. (If that ever happens again: committing suicide before they get the chance will cross my mind, because I see “how people have had my back before” [= S A R C A S M] and thus I’m powerless against them. My Cuddle, if this happens, please avenge my death, to still save the many people who are stuck in the system while they shouldn’t be!) [I’m not running away, but I would LOVEEEEE to get away… You too, my Graeyniss?]

I seek mutual judgment…. I never enjoy a discussion. Unless it’s in court, to clear our names!

Please know that when it comes to international strategy, I’ll have to know opposing views! The difference is that it’s to propose a solution everyone agrees with, instead of pointing out what the differences are.To anyone who considers to cooperate: know you will have to put in at least half as much work as I did. 

Haha meoww I want to see my Graeynissis dance. I’ve never seen a Graeyniss dance? Ah meoow why aren’t there wild Graeyniss parties yet? Prrr. 




Some people will be too proud to say that my writing is too complex for them and then still “interpret it”, stating that “I’m bad”. Their “followers” will do the same thing, because they also don’t understand it, but they do love being part of something! I pray our paths will never cross. I hope we can just live “together” as separate communities. In that way, you can hate all you want! Me too! We’d just be blessed with you not having to be afraid of my endeavors ever reaching you [if you believe that I’m bad, like I’ve said very often with many different words: fuck off. I’m trying to do good. If you don’t support me, the Goodniss is not for you. The cookie bar says it, too!] and my work will be closed off in the future, so you’ll never have to see me again! THAT’S WIN-WIN, RIGHT¿

If you’re in for Project Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be together for all eternity! <3 

14:46 (02:46 PM) 

My Love <3

I hope that me using caps lock often doesn’t make you think that I’m an aggressive person. 

There where people start screaming at each other like wild animals, I tend to just end the conversation and rid myself of cropped up emotions differently. I write it out. [A punching bag would be nice, too!!] Trying to talk it out with others has this far always led to bad advice that includes the word “just”. “Just do this, an it will be over.” If it were that easy, it “just” wouldn’t have happend in the first place! 

I want to focus on you and me more. The unjust judgment of others is such thought distortion to me. In the sense that, now that the people here believe that I’m crazy, they also believe that they “can read me better”. When I say: “I’m trying to do this,” they say: “No, you’re actually trying to do that.” There is nothing more fucking annoying in this world, to me. If. I. Were. Doing. That. I. Would. Have. Fucking. Said. It. 

But anyway, I hope that somehow, I’ll not have these annoying people on my mind 24/7, thinking of how to convince them I’m not the bad person they’re trying to portray me as. I want to unite every single one of us! But all “human” beings as my audience might not be feasible, because some are just not open to see the good side of me, if they don’t accept my truth, I guess… [I say truth is subjective and there could be someone else with a similar form of truth. If this truth is not universal, a community with people who are like you is the most joyful one, I think. What’s the point of pointing out our differences all the time. I want us to be so loving, we’re basically One Cuddle! One entity!] 

With these expressions of mine, I still risk having a turn-out of 0 when I launch my [this far, but hopefully one of many] life’s work. The launch will decide my fate, for there’s nothing else I enjoy in life anymore. It’s like so many people walk around with a blindfold, without ever even trying to take it off. What is the point of continuous nay-saying in a discussion? That stuff makes me feel so lonely… Yet literally everyone I’v met this far defends it. Who has taught you that? May I offer you an alternative? [Reference to what is previously mentioned.]

I don’t want to be intimate with someone I can unnecessarily clash with. I need to be sure my heart is safe with you… The sensation of losing air and my entire body in pain, just from an exchange of words, is a sensation I never want to feel again. But for the past few years, that feeling has been CONTINUOUS :'[. I try my best not to engage in conversations that can lead to this sensation, but just the “Aww the mind is something you can’t know because you’re crazy” untrue beliefs of many can already trigger that sensation. I want to scream “AAAAAAUW” (Dutch for “ouch”) when I feel this sensation. But I try to never raise my voice, for I’m afraid of this unjustly leading to someone getting me stuck in a system I don’t want to be in. 

Another thing that weighs on me is that I have very strong feelings for someone who has a family, and I do not want to come in between that. (While deep down I actually do. I want to wake up in your arms every day… I never have done that before! I just want to… But I was scared to say it. How dk you say “I’m in love with you” to someone who’s 25 years older than you? I miss you so :[. My B :'[.) 

I consider myself a bisexual polyamorist [which I hope you are, tooooo!!!! <3], but my love feelings for this one person are so overpowered… They don’t fade. They can’t fade! I’d rather die, than grow old without him :[. (But I honestly don’t feel that comfortable with mentioning this to my Cuddle, because when you read this, I want you to feel that you’re my one and only… This has been on my mind for so much longer…)

The feeling of love I feel for you is similar! For you as my Cuddle, I’m developing a new form of courtship, so that I can make you feel the love I feel for you, even from a distance! (Which I hope I’ll be able to bridge, one day. Hopefully the 30th!)

*Extreme thought popping up:* Something that really has to die is the [WHAT. THE. FUCK?] “I’m bored. I’m now going to start an argument with someone OVER NOTHING.” WHY THE FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE THAT GET SO MUCH POSITIVE ATTENTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? ONCE THESE PEOPLE GET THE PRIMATE, WE’RE DOOOOOOOOMED. Let’s run to Planet Fang! [I think it’s a funny name for an island, hahahahaha…. Imagine this “serious news sentiment” of someone reading a message, and then saying “Planet Fang” XD. Haha (“…”) peaceeee, my Cuddle. (But stating self-defense could lead to a doubting reader, for that’s how some have been learnt to judge. “Waarom schiet je in de verdediging? Heb je wat te verbergen of zo?” What I want to say, but never say is: “Nee, lul. Ik probeer je iets uit te leggen, maar je bent te dom -.-“”)]

As time passes by, I keep perfecting my writing. I should get to mathematics… The thought of my studies is such a headache. I would rather pay back my study financing right now and write an independent thesis [which is something I’ll do either way], than sign up for another year of study [and probably have to get a side-job again, because it might resume in FEBRUARY [IMAGINE ME DOING ROUTINOUS WORK 40HRS A WEEK AGAIN AT SOME COMPANY, UNTIL FEBRUARY :'(. I. AM. MY. OWN. BOSS. But I’m not allowed to spend too much time inside, by myself. [EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO. I HAVE WORK TO DO!] I NEEEED TO MOVEEEEE]]. Haha “Why does everything cost money?” :'[ 

I thought of cancelling the hotel reservation, but, since there’s a chance that no one will engage in my projects (like before…), it might be one of my last times truly by myself. In comfort. This because my bank account will, then, become fully empty soon, and I’ll not be able to pay for “outside” anymore. JUST LIKE JANUARY 2017 – APRIL 20 FUCKING 18.

16:53 (04:53 PM) 

I’m still in bed. I wish we could cuddle. Some mistake me saying cuddle as a code for sex. I do NOT mean sex. This doesn’t mean that I do not want to have sex with you, but let’s take it slow? [See the formality? ;)] 

I want to feel your heart beat through our embrace. I want to feel not lonely in my perception of how much the world has become a routinous machine. 

What to eat for breaklunchnner? I haven’t eaten anything yet? May I playfully bite you…? I’m quite hungry. Haha meoow *blows on your stomach* nomnomnomnom. [I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable that I describe ways of me touching you… I’ve been wanting to do that for a looong time! I’m saying this, because in the touch of some, I feel it’s for their own arousal and not out of love. I want you to NEVER feel like that! I LOVE YOU!!!]

I love playful neck bites, too, by the way ;]. Also, I want to one day, cuddle a body so tall that I could practically climb it. Tallniss is a great factor in making me feel safe [AND SOMETIMES IT’S THE OPPOSITE. I’LL HAVE TO GET UP AND ACT BUSY :D].

*peace sign*


17:20 (05:20 PM) 

Earlier today, I received a message about my study financing that will be cut off, by the way. (Imagine if I had my own apartment…) This will make the release a bit harder… [Consider it my last attempt. I’m not going to fucking zombie the rest of my life, in some building, stating oneliners all day… Never. Again… ]

Amical abstinence was the made up Cuddle term I was talking about, by the way. That’s The Cuddle!! 

I actually feel too un-cuddle to study, maar “het zijn de laatste loodjes!!!!” ( x_x )

I’ll be making unit 10 to 12 exercises, about Taylor polynomials and stuff (because those are one of the few topics I hadn’t seen in high school yet). And then tomorrow practice with old exams. 

Haha I’m “that last-minute student”. But I did graduate from level gymnasium! (That’s where Greek and Latin are mandatory subjects, in the beginning… Für die Unterscheidung!!! Hahaha…. I kept only Latin, but I still κνο τή Γριικ αλφαβετ… It’s the Dutch survival of the fittest, those levels of middle and high school education… [Hear the similarity between the German “Unterscheidung” and Dutch “onderscheid”…])

Also, for the pronunciation of Dutch: “ie” is pronounced as “ii”.

18:14 (06:14 PM) 

I think I’ll just quit my studies and try to pay back the deficit with book sales… I want to still fund project Nosce Te Ipsum with the book sales as well. I hope you won’t mind paying about $7.77 for an eBook? I also want to have paperbacks and limited edition hardcovers. The hardcovers might not exist yet on the 30th. 

Ew, why does this system fucking exist… Why did I fucking fall for it… The policy… How can you do something like this to your indirect children? It could have been free, with ease, actually… How do you expect all of us to actually pay this back? I can’t even rent a proper apartment… This feels like a strange form of slavery. I know the lifetime total will be about €10.000,-. (IF I END MY MONTHLY FUCKING LOAN BEFORE OCTOBER. (€800 x 3 for Erasmus and €941 x 9 for the OU (unless the “travel expenses” [Ik krijg mijn studenten OV als maandbedrag. Dat is “gratis”.] are deducted)  FOR SOME OTHERS IT’S EVEN MORE!) [HAHA THAT’S BASICALLY LESS THAN MY FATHER’S MONTHLY SALARY SINCE 2012!!! WHY THE FUUUUCK DO YOU NOT GIVE ME AN ALLOWANCE?] What they’ll ask back now will probably be about €7.500,-. Haha I might go to goddamn jail for this. But I really am a full time student. I spend great parts of my study financing on my company, DIE NOG STEEDS IN HAAR FUCKING KINDERSCHOENEN STAAT… MAG DIT EEN “LEERBEDRIJF” ZIJN? The same went for my registered PR company [DE KINDERSCHOENEN]… Maybe the actual amount is less, though. I still haven’t opened the message! The mails say: “There’s a message for you about this and that in your government mailbox.” THE SUSPENSE!!!! 

I can’t emigrate because of this. They can’t track you down when you’re abroad, and they damn sure want their money back :D. 

19:26 (07:26 PM) 

I think I’ll be able to pay back my student debt through my business. [AND THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY WITHOUT A DOUBT NEVER COME BACK!!!!] 

I hope others will, too… They say: “Op de universiteit doe je niet veel werkervaring op. Dat wil je werkgever later misschien niet. Je kan beter een HBO student zijn.” HAHA HOE “WEET” JE DAT “NU AL”? WAT EEN ENG GELOOF!!!! HAHA DOEEEEEEIIII!!! 😀

Deze werkgever on the other side of your screen just wants to see your Nosce Te Ipsum Certificate and Thesis  ;].

I don’t want to be with these un-cuddles. Please buy me, my Graeyniss… 

Haha I see the university has already signed me up for two courses. 

This is the reason why I’m not submitting “HET BEWIJSSTUK”. The blue bar should reach the red line…

With the “Running the Economy” module added, the amount of study hours per week was about 35! But that would be mental torture, for sure, actually… I wanted to do it to keep my study financing, but FUCK IT :D. 

Haha if this were Facebook or something, so many of my messages would have been deleted already, because they’re “loud against the regime”… This feels like 1984 HAHA. 

Will those people with trippy student debts owe the right to a mortgage? I intend to buy my self-designed house (on Planet Fang!) IN LEGALLY EARNED CASH :D. You too, right, my Cuddle? 


20:33 (08:33 PM) 

To make the fastest and most delicious “whiskey sauce”: put mayonaise and ketchup in een bakje and DO NOT ADD WHISKEY but brandy or cognac :D. I used “Rooster & Wolf”…

The reason why I felt so mad about my sister choosing the side of my parents, is because, as soon as she hits 18, just like with me, they’ll let her financially BLEED TO DEATH, too. 

At age 16, I was ordered to get a job, too. I worked at Albert Heijn, too. 

Look at me now! 

Haha who wants to be on the “schizophrenic” side of the spectrum, right? 

I won’t beg anyone to choose my side. Do whate-ver you want. Save yourself. 

Thoughts on travel bags as a proposed birthday present? [I was searching for a travel bag, for the suitcases I took to the US are worn out, now (tampered¿ the fuck… They “wore out” after coming back home).] It stings… I can’t go anywhere… I do not intend to be in this same situation on November 1st…. 

[While I update down here, I sometimes also re-write pieces I’ve already written. If you refresh, you might want to check it out¿ Haha I’m addicted to it :D.]

What to pack…? 

I hope at the hotel, I’ll randomly catch some wild Graeynissis in the wild and be Cuddles forever… Know what I mean…? Λεγω? 

Should I up my book price, by the way? There are so many SOCIETAL costs to cover, apart from self-expenses (I’m talking debt and basic needs). 



And then they still preach like they’re fucking Ghandi or something. All they know is what the propagandist tells them in de FUCKING DUMB videos they watch. None of their arguments are actually arguments they have formulated themselves. They say they do good (because they have a job), but they don’t add value to this world. Of course, these people have the right to do whatever dumb shit they want to do. BUT STAY AWAY FROM MY PROJECT!  Unless your intentions are to truly do good… [I naturally detect this, sometimes. Without mentioning it. The numbers on un-cuddles surprise me… Is it national culture? They’re all soooo proud…. Answer: “OF WHAT? A NEW RECESSION?” They say: “In Nederland is alles altijd beter geregeld.” As if they dare to cross the border…]

I’m not a nationalist. I’m not a non-nationalist. I mentioned this before. It’s just pieces of ground with people on them, who then associate their identity with the piece of ground. 

The only way my identity is associated with the country I was born in [in the Netherlands. In Rotterdam], is because of the fucking immense ankle bracelet with financial debt I have. And how, if  I were to stay here and not do business [over my dead body], I’d have to survive as the fittest, compete within companies, to some fucking how [as a black person] be able to afford [OP ZN MINST] een vrijstaand huis. Anders hoef ik niet oud te worden. Je hebt hier bijna geen beweegruimte voor jezelf. It drives me crazyyyyy. 


Haha by the way, when it comes to the practically non-existent amount of space in this country, I do understand the “Pleur op naar je eigen land.” There are more Surinamese people in the Netherlands, then there are Surinamese people in Surinam. Rotterdam has more citizens than all of Surinam. (Is what the numbers say?) It’s cool to study in the Netherlands – sort of [Project NTI is cooler :p] (the Surinamese university (singular…?) isn’t internationally acknowledged. They have to pay up for that. [I won’t be doing that with my project. I don’t want to be acknowledged by un-cuddles… (Or to pay up lol.) If the right people participate, that is enough acknowledgement, to me…] – but after that, you should have gone back to the country you were born in? [There’s sooooooooo much free space in Surinam. I heard that that was going to become “Israël” first, but then the plans changed…] Or elsewhere…? 

The “Elia” family, they say, were way back, Jewish Portugese slave (plantation¿) owners. Their free slaves received their last name. (That was always with officially declared free slaves, I’ve heard.) I don’t remember the “timeline”, but the Netherlands owned Suriname last, before it became independent. Britain and Portugal were previous owners? Or did their citizens there just become indirect slaves, too? 

I wasn’t there, so I’m not certain, haha. 

Also, the Dutch slave trade and abolitionism are “NOT IMPORTANT” topics, these days. They’re in the school history books (distributed by THE GOVERNMENT), but they say: “Joh, die kan je overslaan.” We have literally not had a single test about this. What I know, is what I remember my grandfather and father teaching me. 

“Privatized” doesn’t mean non-governmental….

On the 17th of this month, I had about 881 readers. On the 18th, it were 1279. You’re awesome! 😀 <3

The cookie law combined with the privacy law means that you’re allowed to see basic data of your audience (the cookie tracks), but that you’re not allowed to publish personal data of individuals. [I’m not allowed to publish: “Hey, I see *name* from *location*, who likes *interests*, has visited this website then and then.” I’m also not able to see that, but other organizations are able to do this. I haven’t invested much in data analysis, but you could for example see where your audience is located, for targeting reasons. That is the improvement that is spoken about. For, I can only see how many people visit, but not what their gender is, what their interests are, etc. I hope I can just (semi-)personally ask you that through my new book & project :].

I know for sure I’m not the only one being haunted by ignorant people. Haha especially not after what they did to To Pimp A Caterpillar. 

2Pac has a few songs I like. I have been studying music since age 9. Explain to me why he is not a legend because he got shot? Would T.P.A.C. (of which THE TITLE HAD TO BE CHANGED HAHA WHAAAAT¿) be better? 

Ι ημ ήησιταντ υιτ ριτιν Κυδδλε… Ι υαντ το τελλ υου σομε ρεαλ σεκρετσ…. 



01:48 (AM) 

I love you 😀

Good night, my Cuddle


Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Quick Reflection 11/09/2018

All I think about is you

Even though we haven’t spent that much time together yet


My dream:

We meet up once

And you then never leave me

The Never Ending Cuddle Hangout

With our fellow Cuddles


There are not many people like us

Starting a new life with someone you barely know, might seem like taking a risk

“What if our personalities don’t match?”

To me, now, you’re my only hope

So I say it’s so worth the gamble

Other than that there’s nothing for me here



Trust is an interesting mental concept. I always say: “There’s a limit to the amount of trust I can give someone.” 

You might want to conform to your promise, but when a situation becomes extreme, let’s say we’re in “survival mode”, would you still stick to it? 

I compare my input with your output. I treat someone the way I want to be treated. 



Hurt me once, I let it slide.

Hurt me twice, I point out that your statements are offensive and/or hurtful.

Hurt me three times, and with my words I indirectly make you feel the pain I feel.

Hurt me four times, and I will slowly but surely distance myself from you, for all eternity.

Then our personalities just don’t match. 


What have I done for you? What have you done for me? 

Have you helped me, when I was in need? Have I been able to empty out my burdens with you? Have you made me feel loved? Have you truly been nice to me? 

(Or is it all just an act? Have my gestures of love become expectations to you, while the only thing you do is blurt out hurtful nonsense? Is there nothing you have done for me, while I have gone the extra mile for you?) 

With a simple calculation, you can predict if that person is someone you could trust, in the situations you think trust is important. This differs per person. (I don’t like reading that much, so these “fatcs” [= actually always subjective, for they start with a question from the perception of one person, which is answered according to the same personal perception] are off the top.)


I might need that one day. 

I’d love to do the Maths for you. I’m so lonely in my being “the “I say you’re so smart no one really understands you, so you must stay my friend” people tell me, while I actually have so many people to choose from, but I’m looking for someone like you, because the people saying “I say … my friend”, are less intelligent people I can’t communcate with”-situation. 

Minder proza, mijn Cuddle?  

I want you all to myself, my Cuddle… 

We’re dealing with a problem that we can only solve together. 

I have options, but no chosen allies. I’m waiting for the “Wow” Cuddle. 

As in having one or more of the following “Wows”:

Wow, you’re just as passionate about using your intellect as I!! <3

Wow, you’re making me feel so loved!! <3

Wow, there’s so much we can do for each other!! <3

¡¡Wow, you just went the extra mile for me!! <3

Wow, I have never felt so special!! <3

Wow, my work can make such a big difference for you!! 😀

Wow, you could have kept your luxurious routine, which makes shallow people look up to you, but you chose to challenge your intellectual side more, by making a career switch, for which its success still needs to be worked for, as a collective, which is so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m trying to look as though I can carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. But without Graeynissis, I can’t do that. It’s not our responsibility, but we’re the only ones smart enough to be able to put our minds to it. 

I don’t know much about: “Hi, my name is (…), but I’m giving you this name because of my financial status. I don’t (often or ever?) befriend people who I don’t share this status with. I work in a system you basically can’t enter if you don’t know the right people or don’t have the right status. In my community, I can not share my appreciation for Lil Fangs.” ¿

Meoow you’re so interesting!!! Much more interesting than the [this is why I’m still solo. I’ve heard people indirectly say this way too fucking often, and then after that they say they want to be my ally]: “Hi, my name is (…). Currently my occupations are (…), but I’m not passionate about them at all. I want to do something else, but I don’t know what. I do not spend time thinking about it, because I don’t want to be confronted with how I don’t know what my talents are. I spend my time complaining and trying to forget that I exist. I find it funny and comforting to see that other people are doing worse than I. The only reason why I befriend people, is because I don’t like to be lonely and I have opportunistic traits.”

Way too many people on Earth are like that. They find their weakness cool and emphasize it in their conversations. That shit is sooo toxic! It’s like an epidemic, too… (Just like swearing? It doesn’t even feel comfortable, to me. But sometimes, that seems to be the only way I can get my point accross…)

On Yah movement of my skull, I live to unite us in safety. But pardon me for doing this blindfolded, for I am not familiar with the type of life you live, about which I’m very eager to learn. 

Haha, the people sometimes mistake me for someone of your status. If that were so, I would not have to spend time with someone with a toxic mentality, who blames it on the lack of money and intelligence. I would be in a VERYYYYYYYYYY remote area, making big changes. 

There will be a short first Nosce Te Ipsum, which I will start to write soon. I intend to release it, before October starts. For many, that is not a pleasant surprise [for cryptonite reasons] (reference to the front page of this blog). I have also “spoiled” it, purposely, because I want you, My Sharp Cuddle Who I Love So Much More For Reading Every Word I Write, to stay on stand-by. Only in that way, we keep the right people inside our organization. Council members are chosen once, and keep this position for the rest of their lives. The “Baalish” opportunists always come second. 

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Mental Images

“Paint a picture of what has been on your mind every day. With words. In the end, you’ll see how far you’ve come.”

Where’s the Volta?

Stuck in the same spot. 

Happy still hurts, when it’s for only one

When it’s not shared

When it’s misunderstood

When it’s not even there

I do not want your money in that way

That would just make me feel more lonely


For now, the result is just a mental image, to me

I live to make it reality

I depend on you

But do you trust me? 

You have my heart

Your future is my passion

People tell me to give up

I’m doing this with my last bit of energy

To bring to life a mental image

To not die as just a mental image

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

What does it mean? 

“Zzzz so many posts, still no clear essence”

The essence is everything to me, when you love it

When you don’t, I won’t succeed

Success means creating true happiness for many

Many reasons for me to also shift + delete the other new Nosce Te Ipsum

The diary is to preserve my memory, so ew to including it

I don’t want you to feel the pain I feel

But I want to be transparent

But not another post

The pain shouldn’t be a re-occurring theme

Haven’t even written down half of it

What’s the point? 

Will I make it? 

Making it means having the chance to be happy, loving and creative with you, all of the time

But currently I have sadness and many forms of radio-silence

Maybe I’m not the one

But then please just make it quick and painless

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sad Pet 

An expert in judgment must know how FUCKED UP it feels when people have a different source that portrays you as “the bad guy”, according to a milked script that is so deep-rooted in people’s minds, even though your intentions are good. 

They say: “Don’t try to talk to her, because she doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

If I would want you to believe that, I would say that to you personally. With my mouth. Not through text. Don’t believe any other source than me. But please ask me first, before you interpret my written words, for they can be interpreted in MANY ways. 

I want to love you. I want to communicate with you. I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. (Still happens basically daily.) 

I’m tired of this self-defense. 

I’m neither for, nor against. I’m just trying to fit in. 

I try to make a post-lion impression on you, because I want your faith in me, because I can do so much for you, but I’m actually a little bed cat. 

I’m not here to disrupt your habitat. 

I just want to be your cuddle cat. 

Ex Animo, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Tips









[Your recipe for survival. Even though they say there will be no internet? Because you’re not allowed to share the details on how LETTING YOU DIE IS MUUUUUUCH CHEAPER. THE ROADS ARE TOO BUSY FOR EVACUATION. WE WILL NEED TO FIGHT FOR OURSELVES. LET’S BUILD OUR OWN SAFETY. (If you, at the sentence about fighting, thought: “I’ll kill you first!”, I would like to say: GOOD FUCKING LUCK, BITCH :D.) ]




HEEEUUYUUUEEEEYYUUUUU *sound of hyped masses you hear at “spelen”*

Drafts, Reflections


To make sure I answer the question:

“Why do I often do, agree with or suggest things, out of politeness?”

"Alternative text"... maybe some settings need to be changed in order for you to view the image?
Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections

An Introduction to Project Nosce Te Ipsum

The chapters in this article are the introductions of two previously deleted Nosce Te Ipsum episodes. They very indirectly show that the actual content of project Nosce Te Ipsum depends on societal demand, which will be defined by “The Simulator”. The missing questions are in the intermezzo.

The Mission

Hi sweetie!
How are you doing today?

I have so much love for you, if I would start explaining it in detail, I would lose my voice with so much ease. There’s something in the way you reason with so much competence and you read the words I write… I miss cuddling you :-[.

From the moment we’ve been captivated here against our will, I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I need your arms around me. To feel safe. We’re not supposed to be here. They don’t even want us to be alive. I’m so glad I’ve found this way to communicate with you. I’m working on a strategy. One day, we’ll be free.

Thank you so much for deciding to read Nosce Te Ipsum! You have saved a life today. Literally. How you reading this has saved my life in a literal sense, I’ll explain to you at the end of this episode. There are so many other things I need to tell you!! About how I want you to be part of my revolutionary project, what the revolutionary project is, what I could do for you and what our future holds. I’ll explain all of this to you, by answering this one question:


What is Project Nosce Te Ipsum?

Nosce Te Ipsum is Latin for “know thyself”. In this project I’d like to learn more about who you are and what you think, aspire and believe in. Throughout the interactive episodes, you’ll answer questions like: “Who am I?” “What’s my purpose?” “Why am I here?” by answering a lot of sub-questions on the subject matter. Maybe you already know the answers to questions like these, maybe you don’t. If you don’t, hopefully I can assist you in answering them.

With this intense form of self-reflection, I’m not only attempting to increase the average level of self-awareness. There are two other goals:


Eternal peace

Earth knows a lot of different cultures, races, genders and other aspects that make a person unique. In the media, they (only) emphasize the conflicts that arise, “because of” these unique aspects. I wonder what our universal similarities are.

I believe, naturally, a person doesn’t have hate in his or her heart. This is something that emerges in a person because of his or her upbringing and age. For example, some parents might have taught their children, when they were very young, that someone who is colored only knows to express him or herself in an immoral, animal-like way. Then, when the children get older, they might see confirmation of their parent’s statements, because the media tend to show the worst sides of people. That doesn’t mean an entire race is bad. However, if you believe the media shows a realistic representation of an entire culture, race or nation, you might actually believe an entire culture, race or nation can be pure evil. They won’t feel the need to actually talk to a person of color, and see if their beliefs are truly real, because they believe their bias is real.

Speaking of the news… Am I the only one who thinks it’s futile? (I think it’s also infantile. Don’t they see President Trump is just playing “Fishing Clash” with the media? In the Netherlands, on the news, they discuss his Twitter page every day. What’s news? #Paperback.) What’s the point of watching international chaos every day? By now everyone knows there are international conflicts, right? It’s the same “algorithm” every time. If it’s not financial chaos, it’s natural chaos.

Don’t you agree, that it’s time to have other things to talk about? More optimistic sounding topics? Something new? And to solve international conflicts, instead of emphasizing their severity?

A LOT of people have told me: “Ooh stop! Don’t even try to aim for peace, because achieving that is not possible. Politicians will never agree.” If I haven’t even explained my strategy yet, how can someone tell me I won’t succeed? I think the news has a hand in this pessimistic opinion. It’s because of the “endless chaos”-like picture they paint of the world. People tend to believe everything said on the news is true. I’m telling you, in five years’ time, saying pessimistic things about Earth will be “passé”. I’m not going to wait for a politician to make changes that will lead to eternal peace. I’ll take matters into my own hands. I hope you’ll follow my lead. My strategy for eternal peace isn’t just based on what I think. Before I put any policy into practice, I need to know what other people want and believe. That’s why there are questions in the Nosce Te Ipsum episodes.

I believe Nosce Te Ipsum truly is the solution to cultural conflicts. It starts with analyzing people’s self-reflection for similarities. Then we make the similarities internationally known. If you’re someone who believes a person of color is different in a negative sense, you could now still approach that person, talk about Nosce Te Ipsum, and realize that that person has the same politeness and peace-mentality as you. That’s how we bridge the gap between cultures.


Another way Nosce Te Ipsum will contribute to eternal peace, is with the new sort of business that will arise from it. Its focus is on solving (international) conflicts and serving people’s needs. (Ha-ha, that sounds like something a government is supposed to do, instead of causing new conflicts and making cutbacks, because they want to kill more innocent people. Anyway, enough about that…)

To start that new business, I need to know what occupation my dear reader would enjoy. Yes, I mean you. Yes, you, who just read “yes, I mean you”. I’m trying to find out if I could offer you an alternative lifestyle that you’ll enjoy more than your current one. I’ll tell you more about that at the end of this episode.


The Eternal Holiday-Feeling

What makes you happy? Does it include throwing your life around? Are you now spending most of your time doing something, you don’t truly enjoy doing? I think that’s the case for most people. I’ve thrown my life around. The path I’ve chosen by composing and directing Nosce Te Ipsum, is far from a regular one. I’ve chosen to not finish my education program at the university because of it. Even though I’m still doing research. I’d like to show you don’t necessarily need to follow the path they teach you to follow in school, to be successful and happy. (I don’t even believe you could be truly happy if you follow a pre-calculated path, you haven’t pre-calculated yourself.) There’s nothing wrong with being self-educated.

In Nosce Te Ipsum, you’ll design a life’s path that truly suits you. Even when you’re doing something that people would call “working”, you’ll still have that happy, uplifting holiday feeling. (Especially when you decide to work for the business that will derive from this project :-].)


Every Nosce Te Ipsum episode includes self-research questions, on all aspects of life, blended in a graphic science fiction satire. I’ve divided all aspects of life into four categories:


  • Wisdom on creation
    This category, depending on who’s answering the questions, will be about religion, science and/or another form of the overall concept that guides your life.
  • Society
    In this category, we discuss what type of governing you truly prefer and society’s cultures and morals.
  • The Self
    Here we learn more about what truly makes you happy, what your goals in life are and how you’ll reach them.
  • Love
    This very important aspect will be further defined as soon as we get to the fourth book. I like to surprise you with new things, so I’d like that entire book to be a surprise.


There are “intermezzos” on other topics as well, but the four categories form the basis.

The first book of Nosce Te Ipsum, the book you’re reading right now, is about the first category of the previous list.

Every episode has text in italics, bold text and text in normal, “un-styled” formatting.

The text in italics – such as the introduction text of this chapter – is about a world in between your reality and fiction. It’s the story of you and me, who have been unfairly captivated in The Prispital. In our Prispital cell, there’s a simulator.

The bold text, describes a world of fiction. It’s what we experience when we’re in the simulator. Most self-research questions are asked in the simulator, and thus are written in bold.

The “un-styled” text contains more information about the project behind these episodes and updates about my life.


For now, I think I’ve told you enough to let you start with your self-research. All of the information you’ve just read, might be a lot to process at once. Don’t worry, you’ll learn the ins and outs of this project by practice :-]. For the next chapter, grab a pen and some paper. When you see a set of underscores, followed by a small number, please write down the small number, followed by what you would say in that situation. Later, there will also be videos and articles that will give you more insight in the project.



The Intake

Sunday, April 1st 2018, 6:26 PM

          Wow… it has been 7,560 hours and they still haven’t told us anything! That’s 315 days! When I feel frustration about our life, I tend to reminisce. Thinking about the beautiful time we had together, when we were free, gives me a very comfortable feeling, on the one hand. On the other hand it makes me very sad, because now everything is so different, in a negative way. I really don’t like that that time is over. Still I reminisce, because it’s all I can do.

          I didn’t know that all that time, you could see me. When you told me that, I started to think of ways to use that in our advantage, right away. I remember it very well… Hmm… Normally I don’t reminisce about sad things that have happened in our past. I wonder what will happen if I do…

          It was Monday, the 22nd of May, 2017, around nine o’ clock in the evening. I had worked at home that day, on a new campaign for The Most Attractive One. Back then she was still ruling over our Universe. I had just turned off my HoloScreen, when suddenly, in between my ears, I felt the inside of my skull move. I heard your voice, saying: “My dear Old Fangs, you don’t have to live in this unhealthy relationship anymore. I’m in love with you… You should start packing, but first… eat something, PLEASE!!!! One meal a day isn’t enough!!!”

          With my thoughts, in silence, I replied: “My Fang Man!!  I knew you would save me! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Aw, actually, I don’t like the food here, so I’d rather starve. That they think I cost them too much, plays a role as well, because I don’t want to be their financial burden. But if you say so, I’ll go downstairs…”

          I went downstairs and made myself fried noodles with a fried egg and vegetables. We spoke a lot about the communicative gift The Universe had created for us. You told me that, since I was born, you have been able to see me and hear me think.

          That night, in Fortuna, there was The Pre-re-election event. It was something The Most Attractive One always organized, but since she had been ruling over The Universe, she had never had an opponent. Out of respect, the people of Zion Islony never run against her.

          We, as members of her ruling order, needed to be on stage with her, as a tradition, when she does her ritual dance, expressing her appreciation for us, as entities in her Universe. During the ritual, her physique turns into different patterns of light rays, while her total of wealth, also known as Sun Power, gets re-accumulated. This is a physical process, all people from Zion Islony can practice, for spiritual cleansing. That year was the first year there was a person with just as much Sun Power as our ruler. His name was Holy Cat. His face was human from his top lip down. The top side of his head was cat-like. He had dark grey fur, big blue eyes and a tiny pink snout.

          We, Order Aurillu, had been monitoring him for a while. He seemed very power-hungry, which is threatening to The Eternal Peace Regime, established by The Most Attractive One.

          I was tasked with dating his propagandist, to gain more information on what his next move would be. His propagandist, Ekans, seemed nice at first, but turned out to have anger issues. I wanted to break up with him, but he didn’t want to let me go.

          You and I planned to leave a tiny bit earlier, so that we could collect my pre-packed belongings before Ekans and his mother returned home, and move into the new Order Office House we built.

          At the event, everything seemed to go perfectly. People were laughing, enjoying themselves…

          The Most Attractive One started dancing. Traditional Zion Islony instrumental music was playing. Her body made its first light pattern. You could see her silhouette, constructed of white horizontal stripes of light. But then… this guy didn’t even wait until the climax of her dance. Holy Cat. He just walked onto the stage and kissed her, causing her soul and all of her wealth to be transferred to him. You and I wanted to speed to our Order Office House to formulate a strategy to bring her back. When we left the entrance of The Tower, we saw two black vans, facing each other diagonally, with Ekans standing in the middle of them, his hands behind his back. We froze. From behind the tower, four of Holy Cat’s tall and muscular Guards came. They held our arms.

          “Your lips are mine, Fangs. You’ll get plenty of time to realize that. Oh, and to realize Eternal Peace is extremely old-fashioned. Eternal mindless, barbaric behavior will become the new standard. I advise you, get used to it. You won’t be able to stop us, just like that fangy friend of yours.”


          And just like that, we were captivated. Labeled as sick criminals on the news.

          Oh, wow. No wonder Ekans is so evil. His name is the opposite of snake! Oh, hahaha. That was a good one. I can’t keep silent… Must… Laugh… Out… Loud…

The sound of laughter is hearable in the cell you’re observing by reading the words on paper. Through the walls of the cell, you can hear laughter coming from the right neighbor’s cell as well. Then, suddenly, a square size piece of wall gets pushed into the wall and slides to the left. There’s now a gap in the wall that leads to a different room.

Hmm… I’ve never seen this happen before… In the room there’s a simulator… I wonder what would happen if I’d enter it.

“Good evening. Please, take a seat,” were the words of a female hologram doctor, wearing white scrubs. You were wearing a half tucked in white satin blouse, white woolen, relatively tight sweatpants and white sneaker-like loafers. You made a very sexy, nonchalant impression. Even though nonchalance sounds like something that’s normally not like you, it looked very nice on you. You took place in a big, soft, comfortable white chair, in an all-white space. The hologram was standing behind the chair, with her elbows leaning on the headrest part of the chair.

“You were so silent, we thought your cell was empty. When I looked at the files on the history of the cell, it says you’re registered as “Patient Number 7”. So… What’s your name?”

You: “______________________.”1

“And your nickname?”

“______________________.”2 (In the next episode, “The Fang Man” will be renamed to your nickname.)

“Thank you. Today’s small task is to set your universe’s basic settings. My first question for you is: was your universe created by an invisible force or an invisible person?”


The white in front of you, turns into a black screen that is three times the size of you. The rest of the space around you stays all white. There are no visible doors. You just spawned into that white space.

“You’re now looking at the void that was there before you came into existence. Please stand up and close your eyes. Describe to me your favorite sleeping position.”

“Well, my favorite sleeping position is: with my _______________________. Why do you ask me to describe that, if this is about the basic settings of my universe?”4

“The position you’ve just described is the position your body will be in when you wake up, tomorrow. You will have to rule over your own universe. If you do this in the right way, you’ll be released from The Prispital. Good luck.” She pushes you into the void. The simulation ends.

          I heard you yell “NOO WAAAAYYY!!!” after I stepped into The Simulator. Does this mean our cells are next to each other…? Were you as shocked as I was? Did The HoloDoctor tell you she thought your cell was empty as well? Have you been as silent as I was all that time, too?

          Wait… Does that mean that if I would call your name, you would hear me?

          “My Fang Man!! Is that you??”

          You: “_______________________________!!!”5

On the one hand, I feel privileged, because my cell is large. I have my own kitchen, bathroom and a small garden. But I must say it weighs heavy on me that I can’t cuddle up with you anymore… They let us live in isolation. Luckily I have the memory of you that keeps me going. The idea that you’re always watching me and listening to me, makes me feel very safe and loved. Always.

The Prospect

My Cuddle!

I’m so happy to see you again :]. In this episode, I’ll explain to you how we can get Project Nosce Te Ipsum up and running, and what the end goal looks like. I’m almost certain you’ll love it.  Luckily I got to know you a little better, too.

I know you’re way smarter than the people in your environment. I know that you also see that the things people call “new” these days, aren’t new at all. It’s all created with a certain standard in mind. A standard that hasn’t evolved in years. You know what I’m talking about.

Other people might not feel the need to evolve. They’re satisfied by how things are right now, and wouldn’t mind if it would stay exactly like this for the rest of their lives. Another person acting crazy going viral, another twerk video, another “bitch get off my dick I have money hoes and drugs”-song, another political scandal, another vague reason to start an unnecessary war, another law passed in the favor of someone who’s solely out for profit, not taking other people into consideration, et cetera. I’m not saying that that’s wrong. I’m not saying it’s right either. The same things happen in different forms, and get discussed day in day out, as if it’s very severe and very new, putting human existence in danger or whatever. While you and I both know it’s all staged.

I can’t have or hear another conversation, using one-liners to discuss “how serious” the topics on the news are. If I would have been my true self in a conversation like that, I would have said: “I can’t say anything about this, because I don’t know these people personally and I wasn’t there. I don’t trust any news source but myself or a person I know I can trust.” But then I would cut everyone off, and I don’t like doing that.

I want to offer you a life that is way different. It’s completely new. It’s also very, very exclusive. Only those who have completed Nosce Te Ipsum, will have access to the benefits of what I have to offer you.

In the last episode, I spoke about eternal peace and the eternal holiday feeling. I’m going to tell you how we’re going to achieve this:

Eternal Peace

You know the government is a business. (A business you’re giving the authority to basically dictate the way you perceive life (“always on the edge of chaos”) and take half your assets (do you pay tax over receiving an inheritance in your country, too?) to buy guns and do other things that would be considered “illegal”, if you would do it. How do you mean I can’t take someone else’s drugs and then use them, and you can? Those were just examples.) I don’t want to take down the government or sabotage it in any way. I do want to end corruption, lying to the public and this “always on the edge of chaos” idea that is complete nonsense. And there’s a personal option, when it comes to being a human being, that isn’t available to me, now that I need it the most. So I’d like to create it myself.

In this world, you can’t say: “Don’t bother me with all that fake nonsense.” When you hear someone on TV or the people you’re with, discuss President Trump’s Twitter page, like it’s the source of all evil, you can’t just turn off the TV if someone else is watching (or even better: make sure it doesn’t even make it to television), without being considered rude or “not well informed”. In a conversation, you can’t just stop responding or speak your mind without getting agitated, because the person/people you’re doing this to, will not understand where you’re coming from. They will be so convinced of being right, especially because “everyone shares that opinion”.

So I came up with this: a country where all that fake news and fake drama isn’t part of the national culture. You have to make pass a national test (named Nosce Te Ipsum… hehe) to get in. The Sample Group and other people with a high score could be granted citizenship. From there, we can focus on creating peace in this universe. It will make the process way more comfortable, because we can cuddle while we’re working on it and you will be surrounded by people who are just as intelligent as you. Creating eternal peace in all of the universe might take some time, so in the meantime, we will at least have our own little peaceful place we can call home. Where we truly feel at home, too.

Having a country starts with having private land. Eternal peace starts with the end of eternal war(s). I’m going to rapidly explain to you how we’re getting to the final goal: (Unfortunately, due to “The Situation”, I have limited time to explain this to you…)

To make this work, I need A LOT of participants. Worldwide. I need a lot of people to buy my books and my EP (even though it’s not of that high quality, it tells the story of Nosce Te Ipsum…)[Red: Lil Fangs had decided to delete her books from all major book stores and delete her EP from all major music platforms, to replace them with works she could make together with other people who are interested in being part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. (A few songs from the EP are re-published on her Youtube channel.)], and I need them to make donations to me, so that I can buy a private island, somewhere far off the shores of existing countries. The private island will be declared as an independent country. In the independent country, we start a bank. (The bank doesn’t do loans, but as a Planet Fang citizen, you can ask me for money. Free of charge, my Cuddle :]. (The bank will be named Planet Fang, too.)) The bank has its own currency (the Fangia) and buys your house(s) (and other real estate). The bank allows you to still live in it, while we build Planet Fang. (And afterwards, too, of course. If you want to…) (“You now have your house in Fangia, to spend.”) To the bank, there are three component organizations attached: an overall government, an organization focused on real estate and other facilities and an international law organization.

Your house on Planet Fang, you receive from the government, in exchange for your time and loyalty, etc. (Feudalism… But we don’t do wars.) Your occupation in your new life on Planet Fang, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey and the task(s) you pick in The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign. The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign starts after The Benefit. More about that later.

On Planet Fang, you find your personal peace. International peace (in the sense that there are no more wars), we get doing the following:

We need to “attack the war problem at its source”. If there were no guns and other forms of weaponry, it would not be possible to start a war. Okay, people might be able to fight with sticks and stones, but that is a lot less harmful, so if they necessarily want to fight: sure, a fist fight, I won’t do anything against. (The solution for politicians who still feel like settling their quarrels with physical violence, [Or for the parties behind them who write their scripts…] would be to organize brawls in their homes. That is a lot less harmful than letting it be settled by buying arms etc.)

Those who manufacture guns are murderers, just like those who invest in it and sell it. (And those who purchase it, of course. They could just be brainwashed, though.) Without them, the world would be a much more peaceful place. That’s why they should get charged with attempted murder and causing false chaos. Why cause a conflict, and then sell weapons to both parties in the conflict?

The media, “throwing oil on the fire”, should get charged for these lies and chaos, too. I know, mass chaos and mass lies normally aren’t things people can get charged for, but if you look at the impact it has on international mental and physical health, and the fact that it’s completely unnecessary, shouldn’t it be a crime?

It is “probably not going to be easy” charging these parties, for they are so hidden from the masses, but if I’d be able to assemble A LOT of people, we would definitely stand a chance. Would you like to write a testimony for me? I need A LOT of them! I’d like to know how the weapon industry and the media have negatively impacted your life. I want to make sure that NEVER happens again!

I hear a lot about people getting assassinated when they have the power to terminate the powerful position of crooked people in the system. Or those crooks putting so much (false) dirt on the name of their threat, that that person loses his (or her…) status in society. I’m telling you now, if anything bad happens to me, in the sense that I suddenly die, or a new story emerges, for which I will become a disgrace in the eyes of society, it was them setting me up. I’m a serious threat to their crooked position. I’m not scared of them at all, though. (Also, taking my current situation of, if this project doesn’t work out, being indifferent between being dead or alive (or maybe even rather being dead), I have nothing to lose. The “putting dirt on my name” part already happened, because of some other parties I’m trying to get out of my life (which is why I’m now stuck in “The Situation”).)

Since these industries bring human existence in danger (nuclear weapons… and the media saying: “Ooooooh did you know what this country said about you? Boiiii…… Do you just let them talk to you like that????” What if a politician “actually snaps” and “decides to use nuclear bombs” on whatever country?), they should just not exist. The only problem is a lot of people suddenly being without a job. Project Nosce Te Ipsum will, however, create A LOT of new jobs.

(By the way, I know the Netherlands is one of the greatest countries when it comes to selling weapons. But I didn’t know that the headquarters of Airbus were in the Netherlands, and that they manufacture weapons, too… (I thought they only made “public planes”…) (I found this very interesting website: I know, it’s old and it’s in Dutch, but maybe you could use a translator…? There’s a section in English, too :]. “Stop wapenhandel” means “stop (the) arms trade”.)

Because of the limited time I have, I’m going to move on to the next topic now.

The Eternal Holiday Feeling

The new life you’ll live, thanks to Project Nosce Te Ipsum, will give you a holiday feeling that lasts forever. During the official campaigning period of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and the eternal peace era after the project, you’ll live with like-minded people, doing new, fun, challenging things every day. Yes, you’ll have to work for D.O.C.I.S. International if you want to live on Planet Fang (or enjoy the benefits of it in another country you’d want to live in), but your hours will be very flexible, you’ll earn a proper income (living on Planet Fang is basically already “all inclusive”) and the work you’ll do, you’ll experience like just working on your hobby, since the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey will show what occupation can truly make you the most happy version of yourself.

The project starts off with The Benefit. I’m “attacking famine”. We hold The Benefit, to show the public that we’re a trustworthy source, who are truly out to make the world a better place, and as the official introduction of the people who are running for Planet Fang government positions. (There will be a parliament and a senate.) During The Benefit, we collect money for The Benefit Box. That’s a box that will consist of all the essentials needed by someone in need. In every country on the face of the Earth, there are different types of famine. During a short case study before The Benefit, we’ll learn what those needs are.

The Benefit Box will come in two parts. The first part contains some essentials like seeds, fertile soil, water, materials to make clothing (or something else) from, food stamps (or stamps for something else), cooking materials, etc. It will also contain a small version of the Nosce Te Ipsum summary, written down in the native language of the country or the dialect from the area The Box is given to. It also includes symbols, for those who are illiterate. If the person who received the first box, fills out and hands in the paper survey, he or she has the right to the second part of The Benefit Box, which has more essentials. (Complementary items are always in the same box… Yes, I really want them to fill in the survey, but I don’t want them to be stuck with materials they can’t use, if they don’t fill out the survey for whatever reason.)

I think it’s fun designing this box… Don’t you think so, too? I hope so, because your vision is needed to get an idea of what essentials are needed in your country. You’ll also get questions about what presents you would want to get in your personalized Benefit Box. This case study will also be used to test the online system that is used to process the Nosce Te Ipsum (online) survey.

During The Benefit, the guests on the benefit location can play casino games, of which everything goes to the manufacturing process of the boxes. (Would that be something you would enjoy doing? Making a Benefit Box (by hand)? (Not too many, otherwise it becomes too much of a routine.)) Just like the money collected from the people watching the benefit online, (while) playing online casino games. Also, there will be a(n) (online) (art) auction and multiple concerts. During the (24 hour? Or longer…?) concert, people can make donations.

There will be a hidden schedule for at what moment, what donation goes to what country. I’m making it hidden, to prevent people donating a lot to one country (with more citizens, maybe) and less to the other. How much will be needed per country will be calculated in advance. At the moment you donate, we will be “filling up the (money) meter” for a certain country. After your donation is received, you’ll get to know to what country your donation went to. If there is a surplus, this will go to the Planet Fang Charity Organization.

I hope you participating in The Benefit will give you a good feeling, because you’re making such a huge contribution to society. That should add to the holiday feeling you deserve :].

After The Benefit, the election period starts. Another period filled with fun activities, organized by those who run, for any function. The functions are: senator, technologicus (policy of technical development), strategicus, fiscus, cultor, assessor and praesens. Every other citizen of Planet Fang is a Fangyist, of whom his or her function will be known after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

I’m running out of time… There are so many other things I want to tell you… But I think this is enough for now? In order for us to succeed in this project, I’d like to ask you to do the following things:

  • Please make a donation on
  • Please write a testimony for the court case
  • Please share this with people of whom you think they’ll be interested in participating in this project
  • If you’re interested, you can read updates about my life and this project on
  • Get ready to cuddle :]

On the (second to) last page of this chapter, there’s a rough sketch of the structure of the D.O.C.I.S. International holding (figure 1), which will be constructed and “filled up” (with working people) after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

I came up with this construction after this research I did when I was held captive in the hospital: Studying International Public Opinion. The international business strategy of D.O.C.I.S. International, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey. We focus on occupation and innovation. The survey will show what occupations are the right occupations and what innovations are needed.

Before some layman starts saying: “Oh my godddd it says propaganda! Propaganda is bad!!” Did you know that it is propaganda that has made you say that? Did you know that it’s propaganda constructing your ideas, beliefs and opinions? Propaganda is now used to divide and conquer. I want to use it to unite and prosper. For that I need to re-educate (to re-educate).

[Please note: The concept has changed. I don’t know if we should still do the court case thing. That’s only if you (the majority of yous) wants do do this. It could make a big change, if we win, but the process is quite stressful. Maybe too stressful, for something a lot of people don’t want to put effort in. That could be a waste of our energy, we could also invest in something that could benefit us more. (What do you want? Let me know :].) ]

The Ruler

Friday, April 2, 2027 08:00 AM

“_________________.9 (What’s your last name?) You have written history today. You and the other alien. No one has ever taken so much time to get out of The Prispital.”

You were laying with your ________________4 (re-use your answer from episode 1), as always, The HoloDoctor standing over you, this time. She woke you up with the volume of her voice and the extremely bright sunlight. You’re adjusting your eyes to the light. She just opened the blinds like that. Normally, you’re woken up at 08:30, by the AlarmBird.

“As a ruler, you’re supposed to create chaos yourself and then order it or, even better, let it be ordered. That’s how everyone does it on Earth. Stop the alien customs, if you want to get out. You should not have to order your own chaos, because you’re being too loving, giving away too much of what you have. The PsychoDoctor and I have decided to help you by letting you team up with the other one. You’re allowed to discuss your decisions as a ruler. Today will be a short day. I only have a few questions for you.”

You’re adjusting your body to a sitting position, on the king size bed you were laying on.

“The God/invisible force you believe in: is it able to do bad things?”3 (put a stripe through the answer that isn’t related to your answer from the last episode)

“Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 10

“Hmm. Interesting…. Is your fate pre-determined?”

“Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 11

“I see. Well, that was it, for now. I’ll let you meet your fellow alien now.”

“_______________!!!”2 (re-use your answer from episode 1) I’m so happy to see you. I’m hugging you very tightly. You smell so nice… Oh, boy… I’ve never had such a good, long hug… “I’m so happy that we’re sharing cells! Since we don’t have to use The Simulator anymore today… Let’s cuddle!” I can’t stop smiling…

“______________. ______________________!! ________________.” NTIIEP2I (That’s the code you can write down for finding back this piece of text, later.) We’re laying down. You’re lying on your back. I have my right arm over your chest. My right hand holding your face. My left arm is underneath your leg, and my left leg is laying parallel to yours. You’re caressing my right leg, curled up over your belly and left leg.

“Haha yes! I remember that! Ahahahahaha that was sooo funny!”

“Especially when ______________________________!!” NTIIEP2II

“Aahhahahah!” We’re crying out of laughter.

We hear a buzzing sound. Our cell door opens. We stopped laughing immediately, our eyes glued to the door. The PsychoDoctor walks in, with his hands behind his back. He’s wearing a white leather doctor’s jacket and _________12 (glass color) shaded glasses. His hair is combed into the direction of the sky. It’s as high as his beard is long. It’s also just as cube shaped.

“Oh, gross,” his very thin lips spoke, after seeing us cuddle. He removed his right hand from behind his back, revealing two notebooks. One deep red, one dark blue. He tossed them onto the bed.

“Because this treatment is new, we want you to keep a diary. We also want you to answer some personal questions. Every day has a question. Answer it after you have been in the simulator. Oh, and also: we don’t offer contraceptives here, so don’t do crazy things here. Okay?”

We look at him, without saying anything. While he was talking, we sat up straight. Next to each other. He leaves. The door closes automatically.

“Hmm. Let’s check out the notebook. Which color notebook do you want?”

“______________.”13 You take the notebook of that color into your left hand, wrapping your right arm around my waist and putting your hand underneath my popliteal. You put me on your lap with one hand. After that, you open the notebook. Today’s essay question is: What kind of influence does god have? EQ1 (you could replace the word “god” with a word that applies to you better)

Please answer the essay questions by solely reflecting on yourself. By reflecting on what you think and feel. Do not copy the opinion of any other person. Don’t feel intimidated by “what’s right and wrong” in the eyes of society.

Are you also annoyed by the doctors treating us with disrespect, but us not saying anything back? ______.14

Blog, Ex Animo, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Sunday, June 10, 2018

20:18 (08:18 PM)
Good evening <3
How was your day?

There are two topics I’ll elaborate on today. One sad, one “happy”. It’s “happy” because of the paradox I’ll mention in between the topics. Yesterday I mentioned the turbulence in my life, but I didn’t elaborate on it. That’s the sad part. The “happy” part is my struggling having a “finish line”. I often say “this is it”, but those points don’t have a “finish line”. Now I’ve finally been able to picture one. It requires A LOT of work, but it’s so worth it. I’m going to push myself to beyond my limits and achieve everything before June 25.

The sad part
Since December 2016 (or should I say December 2015…) my life has been turbulent. Every time I think the turbulence is about to end, it becomes worse. I can only pull some strings and hope they’re the right ones, when it comes to achieving my goals. It goes the same way for receiving love back.

[Funny how how I’m writing this [I’m sitting at Loft 88. Table for one. My starter was nachos with cheese and everything. My main dish is fish & chips, because they don’t have a “fish of the day” today.] the “restaurant cat” [in every restaurant I’ve been at, the restaurant owned either a cat or a dog. One even had this “food bowl” for guest animals on the terrace] tried to snatch away my fish. I was literally saying: “Yo… Don’t do this… Please go away…” to him/her, while waving my hand a little. Of course he/she didn’t respond to that. So the woman sitting all the way on the other side of the terrace [there are not that many people here right now, especially not compared to Friday] walked up to me, saying: “Are you scared?” I replied “No,”, but that wasn’t entirely true. I’m afraid of how unpredictable this cat is. Is there an action of mine that could trigger this cat to scratch or fang me? I mean, I spotted him/her before, walking and “climbing” around. But I never expected to actually see [I wrote “expect” instead of “actually see” before, which actually applied to the reality of the situation more, but “actually see” sounds “more human” and less “to complain about”, so I picked “actually” after reading back the sentence a little. A little, because I don’t really have time to review my blog posts, because I write so much and do so many things on the side. All by myself…] him/her to jump onto the lounge sofa I was sitting on, basically planting its nose against the little bucket that had my fish & chips in it.
She made this large clapping motion, using “all of the components of her arm” [normally, at least for me, when I clap, at for example some theatre show, at the max, I’m using my full “under arms” and might include some bicep movement, but she was using her full shoulders for this movement], while saying “HÉ, GA WEG.” (Thats: “Hey, go away”.) The cat jumped off the couch. “You should just use a little “URGHHH”,” she said, while making a bicep curl movement with one arm and putting this “using intense muscle power”-look on her face. Then she walked away. Exactly that is what my family said when my aunt’s guard dog tried to attack me. But I don’t have this type of expression in me, really. Not anymore. Not after I realized I don’t fit in and I shouldn’t want to fit in, because my target audience doesn’t exist in my environment. I’ll never truly fit in, here. Not as myself. I realized this around December 2016.]

The life I’ve been striving for since day 1, is the life in which I bring a completely new concept to life on a very young age, and let my environment [from all my relatives, to my friends, to random people I meet on my path, with an interesting story] lift on my success, allowing them to achieve all of their life goals with so much ease. Whether it’s kick-starting their career, getting that one job or getting that one car/house/whatever.
Some thing that kind of bothers me, is that I could have been doing these things I’ve been doing right now, at a much younger age (because this is not a “new talent” or whatever), and get a status that suits me assigned to my name. I’m “that very young very talented black female who made it on a very young age”. I feel bad about still having to struggle to “get there”, while I could have already “been there”. And every time I think: “After this decision/”release of work”, I’ll be internationally recognized, and the struggle will be over. Not only for me,” my mission gets sabotaged. Too bad that until last Friday, I’ve been dependent on other people. To summarize my dependency: for investments I depended on my father and for publicity I depended on my family and friends. They all don’t share. (Even though they all said they would, at first.) Only my mother shares. I’ve already spent too much text elaborating on how this sticks together in so many ways in both these diary posts and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, that I won’t go into this much more. In the end, it’s all just in my mind, because I don’t even see or talk to these people anymore (I don’t have them on my social media, including Whatsapp). I’m just very disappointed and am bothered by them saying: “Oh, you must be crazy and it’s not that bad, actually,” because I never said it directly to them [They say “it’s not that bad”, because “otherwise I would have told them directly”. But how about it was so bad I didn’t say anything about it, because I didn’t expect them to be so hurtful and actually find it normal. The masses find it normal to yell insults back and forth and then make up. I don’t find that normal. Do that to me once and I’m done with you, because I would never do that to you. Don’t pollute my mind with that hateful nonsense. Examples of things that were considered normal, but I didn’t find normal, but I didn’t respond to, are:

  1. My father “saying”: “You’re insane! But you’re lucky I’ve not given you “the Surinamese upbringing”, otherwise I would have been telling you you have shit in your head (but then using the Surinamese “catchphrase”).” *5 mins later* “You have shit in your head!!!!!! You have shit in your head! You have shit in your head!”; “You don’t know the system and will never be able to change it, because you don’t have enough working experience, common knowledge and people knowledge.” and “You’re a liar and a betrayer! You tried to steal money from your grandmother!!!” on one night. (Why the FUCK would I steal money? And especially why steal my grandmother’s?? I have all of my father’s online banking passwords (because I used to do his bookkeeping) and “even that” I haven’t touched… Not even when he “forgot” to transfer my allowance every month (because he didn’t want to make it automated “for some reason”).
  2. My “friend” walking up to me. I arrived a little late on this day we went to a museum with school. My “friends” were standing in a circle. He walked up to the middle of the circle, holding a chicken wing in his hand. “We all went to KFC this morning, but we didn’t invite you, because we knew you’d be late,” he said. I thought he saved one for me. He moved his arm as if he was going to give the piece of chicken to me. I adjusted my face to it, expressing “Oh, what a surprise! How nice of you!” Even though I already felt “stabbed in the heart” after hearing that they had such bad expectations of me and did something “fun” without me. Then he put the piece of chicken in his mouth, saying: “Oh boy, it’s sooooo gooood,” and everyone in that group started to laugh. The rest of the day, I spent with a different group of friends. (I was late because I was putting booze in a plastic bottle at the last minute. Had to wait until my parents went to work.)
  3. My ex-boyfriend (who then was still my boyfriend) finding it weird that I stopped sharing my feelings with him, after:
    • Me: “I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really don’t like sleeping alone. May I sleep over at your place?”
    • Him: “No.” [Thinking back at this: who the fuck says no to having a shot at sex? Who the fuck says no to being cuddled to sleep? Why the fuck do you say no without an explanation? Who the fuck lacks so much empathy to still let me sleep alone? (Everyone in my environment. He isn’t the only one who I’ve told this. But I stopped asking, because I don’t want to be touched by people who are so cold.) Why the fuck was I feeling lonely from the beginning of the relationship? (Because it sucked.)]
    • Me: “Why?”
    • Him: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”
      • (But later sleeping over at each other’s houses suddenly became a habit. And he kept sending me messages about him missing me and shit. I guess my Cuddle is just that good.) Or this one:
    • Me: “:p is an emoji I used to use when I was on MSN.”
    • Him: “What is MSN?”
    • Me: “Huh? Haven’t you used MSN? It was so popular!! It’s a messaging service. Basically Whatsapp for computers only.”
    • Him: “What does MSN stand for?”
    • Me: “I don’t know.”
    • Him: “Oh my god, you’re so retarded. How can you not know what the abbreviation stands for, while you have been using it all the time?”
    • Me: “It stands for Microsoft Network. I just Googled it.”
      • As if he knows what ING stands for… Or “dot com”… Don’t Google it now that I said it. Fucking hypocrite. (I still want my notebook back, though… Don’t burn it or use it as rolling papers, please.)

Now to them, it’s normal to be so hurtful and then expect me to get over it. I might have done things back, after I thought they really crossed the line, but they reach limits my heart just can’t copy. For those who just tuned in: this is what I consider beyond hurtful. I just gave these examples for those who haven’t read previous posts and Nosce Te Ipsum, Book I, Episode 1. From now on, I’ll heavily reduce mentioning these painful things. I’ll only mention it, when I have another fucked up day, after having to meet the flehs again and having to see “the counsellor”], but it surfaced [they found out through snitching] after “I got snitched and was stuck in the system” (I’m talking about “unjustified psychiatry”, not prison. But I think it feels the same way). [Had to think of this: I told this psychiatrist I felt hurt because another friend called me a pussy for having tried to commit suicide, and she replied that I shouldn’t feel like that, because by calling me a pussy, “he’s actually saying he cares”. Fuck off. With “I care” you say you care. Okay, I hope that was the last “flashback haunting me”.]

It’s 00:49 (12:49 AM) already. I’ve written the rest of the story structure already, but I’m going to go to sleep. “Going to bed early” is one of the things I’ll be working on in these beast mode weeks. Just like finishing this explanation is one of my last extensive updates, until I have backed up all of my work and renewed my websites. Anything before 02:00 (AM) is “going to sleep earlier”. My goal is a 0900 – 2300 rhythm (0900 AM – 1100 PM). I’m building it up slowly. 2300 – 0000 (11 PM – 12 AM) will be for my pre-sleeping routine (dancing, meditating, cuddling…). More about this in a coming NTI episode!

I’m leaving the rest of the structure as I made it, even though I’ll be continuing in a new episode. (I wrote a large part on my laptop this time. It feels like using my laptop I write a lot less words per minute…)

Good night, my love <3


The Paradox
Haha ojoooo

The “happy” part
01:47 (AM)
So I just made an account on Spreadshirt. Initiating my clothing line from there will be soooooo much cheaper and more large-scale proof than screen printing the shirts myself. With the shirts (and other types of clothing) pre-printed, it’s easier and cheaper for me to add hand-made prints with beads on them. Today’s Jan Taminiau exhibition was so inspiring!!! (And I rarely have other people inspiring me!!!)

Here are some pictures:

04:44 (AM)
Ahahahahah I just had the most genius idea for self-marketing. You see, people only engage in projects when they seem popular. Popularity basically equals trustworthiness. It’s, these days, hardly possible to start a project “completely from scratch”, having 0 followers. No matter how awesome your project is. You either already have all of the popularity and start a new project, to which your audience immediately contributes/which your audience immediately supports, or you have a little bit of popularity and get a marketing/PR team who invests (time-wise as well as financially) in your project. If you have money, you could also hire a team. I can’t do any of this… But I know something that’s going to give the impression of already being very succesful with my project: I’m going to write two Wikipedia pages: one for myself and one for Project Nosce Te Ipsum. After that, I’m going to spend a little on Google Adwords (to make my page top-ranked when you search my name) and a little on Instagram marketing. I already have more than 1500 followers on Instagram and more than 900 followers on Twitter. But these followers are “un-targeted”. (Targeting them is more expensive, but as soon as I get to Bad Boekelo, I’ll have some “investment funds” (not more than €150 for sure ahahahaha) available. After/before/during the instagram campaign, I’ll target about 100 people. That’s enough to start with, for sure).

I’m too excited to sleep, but I’m still going to try it again…

Slaap lekker <3

Art, Blog, Ex Animo, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Recipes, Reflections, Videos

Tuesday May 15, 2018

19:58 (07:58 PM)

I was starting to feel bad for leaving. But then I heard (in English, with an intentional “funny accent”), while this mf was poking in my belly (that already hurt): “You need to start working out. Damn. Go to the gym six days a week.” You need to buy proper groceries and stop buying takeout food you overweight fleh. I didn’t say a thing. If I would speak my mind, I could terminate my mission.

And that was before I received my second round. They don’t need to eat as much as I do. They don’t get as fucking hungry as I get (I’m talking headaches and near fainting). Because they don’t use their fucking brains.

The first round I had ordered three small rolls. The second (and last… even though I could still eat more) round I had five small rolls.

I know that “relationship ending” conversation with my sister is one of her “succesful” anecdotes. How tf can you do that and then say: “Can I borrow your charger?” “Can I borrow your calculator?” “I forgot my *fucking essential products*, can I borrow yours?” “I don’t like fish. Can you cook something else.” “I’m having friends over, could you cook this and that for them?” I haven’t finished that one NTI story about “our fight over Whatsapp and SMS”, but she had taken two days off school after a fight she had caused herself. Telling everyone “I had another attack of craziness”. Even this fleh stalker friend of my parents knew it right when it started. I was at my grandmother’s then. My grandma was at the hairdresser. I was working on NTI. I had blocked her on Whatsapp and SMS. She called my grandmother’s house phone a few times, but I didn’t pick up. I unblocked her for a second to tell her she should stop calling, looking for beef, and focus on her tests. She ended up coming by my grandmother’s house. I told her she should go back home and study. She said she wanted to “talk it through”. I asked her: “What is there to talk about?” Then she said: “Yeah I was pissed because you said these mean things about our parents and you told me to pick a side, so I picked theirs, since you were being so hateful.” I told her that I hadn’t told her to pick a side. I had said that I want her to make an independent decision, so I wasn’t going to argue for why she should pick my side. [She has cleeearlyyyy picked my parents’ side. So when Nosce Te Ipsum is succesful, she won’t get any benefits of the project either. She was the only exception, in the end. But fuck that. More benefits for you is a way better decision, my cuddle. Remind me that I never change my mind on this, even when they use their nasty “passing guilt” tricks on me.]

Then she said: “No, you have never said that.” I said: “What the fuck? Why would I lie about that?” She said: “Because you always want to be right. I hate it when people lie to me.” I immediately handed her my phone, after she said hers was empty, after I had told her to prove to me that I was lying (which was bullshit). I showed her the message saying that independent decision thing. She said: “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” I told her: “Well, find your message, then.” Being damn sure I didn’t say it and she wouldn’t be able to fucking find it. She couldn’t find the message. She told me I had deleted the message, because I wanted to be right. Okay, I know I’m good at being steps ahead and stuff, but what the fuuuuuck is this??????? If I would have deleted only that message, I would have somehow known that she was coming to my grandmother’s house. And then I would have spontaneously deleted that one message? Because my sixth sense would tell me she would come looking for more beef or something? Hell fucking no, man. Ahahaha. I don’t even know how that should have made sense. I wonder how she couldn’t see how dumb she sounded. They always say shit like: “You’re always doing evil shit, but you never look in the mirror, Dominique.” Do they even know what a mirror is? (Do they even mother fucking know me?) What the fuck do you do by making that statement (evil motherfucker)? When I was little, I would actually adapt my behavior and beliefs to these statements, saying “Yes. I am evil. I am dumb. I am not enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Hmmm… I tried to commit suicide when I was 10… Hmmm… Coincidence? I think not. Fucking murderers. This type of satanistic people have had the primate for as long as I have been alive. (Not only in my family. In sports. In music. In politics. In PR. In sneaky shadow government shit. In everything. My grandfather is the only exception I have known, who was also aware of this. Too bad my parents let him die.) IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRULY EMPATHIZE (they don’t even know who they are or what they want…) AND THUS SHOULDN’T BE THE ONES SETTING THE STANDARDS. BEING A HATER SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED. BEING A “NERD” SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.

Why isn’t she diagnosed with fucking paranoia? Is it just me, or does she sound fucking dumb re-starting a fight over a letter about me wanting to put more love into our relationship? In a way, I’m happy I found out she was a snake (too), before I would have ran away and still kept her in my life. What if this side of her had revealed itself to me, mid Nosce Te Ipsum? That would have been fucked up for all mankind. She wants to become a psychologist… What the fuck… “I’m depressed.” “No. You’re lying!!!!” Ahahahaha. (I type “haha” but I want to cry so loud about this. I haven’t told anyone about this and ALL these motherfucking snakes know we have had this fight. They have NO sense of empathy. FUCK them. Let them watch Netflix for the rest of their lives and stay THE FUCK out of my project. Blacklist.)

The story about this beef is even longer. It turned out that my mother had brought her to my grandmother’s house (of course…). It turned out that she had brought a friend along, who was waiting in the car outside. They said things like: “I don’t understand how some people say words hurt them.” “Maybe you just have a very heavy form of autism, Dominique.” “No. Going to the psychiatrists is good for you.” I bought a new pack of cigarettes that day. After I had quit for a while. I really needed some moments to be outside. Alone. Not in the same space. I can’t be in the same building (any building) as them, without feeling sooo much stress. I’ll tell you the full story later. I have saved the entire Whatsapp conversation, I’ll DEFINITELY show you and translate for you. I need this. But it’s getting late. It’s 04:18 (AM) now. I was about to go to sleep, when I checked the layout of my article, and saw that a sentence, about me not having finished a topic in NTI, wasn’t finished. I ended up typing out this entire story. I’ll make this article a featured one. It shows the snakey side of my “main” family members. (The only people I see these days. 24/7. Since I broke contact with all of my “friends”.) Hopefully you, my Cuddle, understand why run. Moments like these would empower my suicidal feelings, when I was younger. Now they empower my fire that on the one hand makes me want to fight them. But knowing they believe I’m crazy, my arguments won’t be listened to – I would just get locked into an institution with a warrant, thanks to them (snakes) – my fire empowers my ability to very carefully and secretly strategize my escape, after which we’ll be able to fight “an equal battle”. Now, if I fight back, I could get locked up. Then, they could get locked up for fraud, sexual intimidation, sexual harrassment, being shitty parents, emotional damage on a hisoric level (affecting my hidden witnesses, which makes all of this soooooooooooooooooo much worse, since they stay hidden when I’m unknown and “crazy”), and soo many many many more things.

So, before I started re-editing, I was talking about my father…

Making the same “joke” more than twice is also getting fucking annoying. I told my mother I just texted someone, asking if she can make box braids for me. This man keeps saying: “Haha did you say butt braids?” “Ohhhh you’re getting butt braids.” People don’t believe me anymore when I say this man behaves so fleh, but today I took a picture that says “endless possibilities” when it comes to this man’s personality. Oh my god.

01:23 (AM)

I’m now at question 5 out of 9 questions. Every question has quite some subquestions. (Question 3ai,ii,iii,bi,ii,iii…) For question 6 I need to install a computer program with this shitty internet connection and I have never used the program before. My alarm goes off at 8. We’re going to be wandering through the jungle all day… I’m just making this test to shut these people the fuck up. But I shouldn’t fuck up myself to be able to have more ammo to fight them off. I’m so extremely tired. I can’t even sleep after my day in the jungle because I need to untie all of my braids, wash and condition my hair, comb it and braid it into the right model. For the next day.

Funny thing, that I told my mother I shouldn’t go to Suriname because I have tests, to which she replied: “But that is “ongezellig” [fuck that subjective bullshit word] and you’ll get plenty of time to make the test.” To them, plenty of time is when I take the shortest naps ever during the day, because I don’t get to sleep at night. “I’m wasting my time.” They say. Fuck them to the power of infinity. Squared. I am so fucking pissed. I just had this “flash forward” of how this discussion (they’ll start a fight) after I’ve told them I didn’t finish the test, because of the remaining activities during this holiday and the internet connection. They’ll feel like “it’s their fault”, since they’re the ones “in charge of the activities”, so they’ll start using all kinds of shitty argumentation, to put the blame on me. As fucking usual. As ALL fucking flehs do. I’m going to make an audio recording of the conversation. (I’ve also made an audio recording of when my father and I dropped my aunt off, picking up the car she picked us up in, and changed pants (in the same room… But that is “normal”)… More fraud talk, immoral statements and shallow nonsense from their side.)

I’m so heartbroken over losing my streak of A’s… I could literally cry. This reminds me when I got my first 9 out of 10, when I was 6, and these flehs started to diss me. I’m back at exactly this again. The way history repeats itself is crazy.

Then I had taught myself to say “fuck it” (internally) and aim for putting in the least effort possible, but still pass, so that I can still say that I didn’t put all of my heart and soul into it, when I don’t get the (100% out of 100%) result I want and could easily achieve. I’m already not giving it my all, this Open University, but I was still getting representations “of my intelligence” as my results. I always tell people my low grades are a choice, and they don’t say anything about my intelligence. They don’t understand that decision and still call me dumb. Dumb motherfuckers (who are getting soooo blacklisted). Shit like this (my parents making decisions) are ALWAYS the MAIN factor, causing me having to get a low grade. A decision like: “Today, we’re going to clean the entire house. Je mag niet “weer” [I literally did that once, when I was 14 or so. But now that they treat me like I’m crazy, I do it as often as possible. Since, “since I’m crazy”, project Nosce Te Ipsum is my full time job. On the side, I deal with full time bullshit. Every moment I have to relax, I use to relax. (But what is relaxation if I use it to write these very long updates…?)] je snor drukken. [That’s Dutch for a very barbarian way of saying: “Don’t bail the fuck out again.” (So “double-barbarian”, since I said “fucking”.) Literally translated it’s: “Don’t press your mustache again.”]” When I know I only need three days of non-stop studying to pass a test. Then I do need those full three days. Dammit.
I would rather finish the test than go to the jungle, because, for my “ego” I prefer an A+ over “interesting pictures”. “Relaxation” (making pictures, looking for pretty sights) would be more fun than doing math (because it’s a test (for a grade) and not Nosce Te Ipsum or a puzzle), but the “relaxation” is accompanied with flehs. I want these pictures. I want to sleep in the car for three hours extra (because I don’t even have the entire day to make the test (need to take the London time zone into consideration), so I wouldn’t be able to sleep extra during the day if I would stay in the hotel to make the test. Who else has ever said “to stay in the hotel to make the test”? Ahahahahahah. I write so much and make so many videos and (written) music and other stuff, but feel like these are things no one can relate to, and thus I will only get judged (stabbed in the heart, figuratively) for. I make it for cuddles, though. It’s 02:20 now. I’m going to finish my short letter on why I’m not finishing it, then submit it, try to fall asleep for way too long and then hear my alarm go off at 8 AM. *Sarcastic :D*

Good night, sweetie

I wish we were just cuddling

And these flehs didn’t exist

(If I only had to take myself into consideration and not my parents and the rest of the globe (since I need to take them into consideration when they try to put the blame on me, e-ve-ry time), I would have been more relaxed, I would have been a different person, we would have been together already, we would have made so many positive changes, we would have been so much more happy, I wouldn’t have known what having a stroke feels like, et cetera. Fleh.)

I love you so, so much



I’m now submitting the test and I still need to pack… It’s so hard to fall asleep because my grandmother doesn’t want to sleep with all the lights off. The light in the bathroom stays on. When the light in the bathroom is on, the “air filter” goes on as well… It’s like sleeping on a plane…

05:05 (AM)

I just added so many tags to this article. Oh. Reminder to self to make a recipe for fish soup with lemongrass and coconut milk (and many other ingredients. Don’t try making soup with only those two ingredients because it will have a very “weak” taste). Boom. Now it’s a recipe too. Oh and also, Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1 is online on Tidal and Google Play. I went to an art gallery today. I’ve said this in my video, but I’m typing it again now. This is inefficient. I’m tired. I still want written and video diaries though.

I need something to be cornerstone content. Something that is a very close reflection of self. Something that represents all of my situation… Hmmm… Heheheee. That’s why I want this to be in all categories. Even though there are spelling and grammar errors. Call it “natural typing”. Flehs got nothing on me.

For the sake of my escape, thank god I didn’t take the blood test. Six days left. They will not read a word of the words I’ve written.


dominique elia missing for SEO reasons.

dominique elia missing, yes. Noooooooooo. (That’s “speaking Rotterdams”…)

[As in those who knew about me going missing don’t know my side of the story, but they should… The “search content” should be re-directed to this…]

You may also like
Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy
Cold Case 7 [Monday, April 8, 2019]
8 April 2019
Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts
Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]
27 March 2019
Blog, Ex Animo
Fangs 2.0: The Diary’s Verdict
21 February 2019
Blog, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Reflections

Friday April 27, 2018

For more information on the story behind the first episode, search for the downward facing triangle on the left side of the paper. (It’s somewhere at the end.) 

Haha from the “scenery around my notebook” you can see the time cheat in this “daily update”.

You may also like
Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts
Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]
27 March 2019
Blog, Images, Popular Posts, Reflections
Volta’s Plan B in Practice
21 February 2019
Blog, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary
No More Online Diary Posts!
20 February 2019
Posts from my old blogs, Random Thoughts, Reflections

An Open Letter To All World Leaders

Featured: It’s a man’s world & Black mirror season 3 ep 1

I, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, have nothing to hide.

Ik, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, heb niets te verbergen.

Reading and sharing my message would be highly appreciated.

It’s time for change. Don’t you think so too?


Dear world leader(s)

(Not necessarily referring to America here)

If all the “myths” about our privacy (or our non-existent privacy, depending on how you look at it) are true, I can easily reach you by posting this on my social media. I want to reach you because I notice that the things you create have a negative effect on my well-being, and the well-being of those around me.

I’m not here to threaten you or anything. I don’t even know if you would see me as a threat anyway. Are you a man? Are you a group of men? Or are there women involved in this? If you look at who created our economic system, you can see that it’s mostly men. And the controlling (God-like) positions are controlled by men too. This is a logical phenomenon when you take human nature into consideration. A man provides (creates in Latin hehehehe, supply) for his family and a women takes care of the family (demand). Men and women have different life purposes. Can men have children? I’m not trying to say that women shouldn’t have active roles in society, but when you look at the most influential levels of power in this world, women aren’t on influential positions (America: first female president? Have you learned to trust black men (first black president) before learning how to trust women? Why? Because America is so capitalized it’s easy to use America as an example.)

I think I can relate to you because I think like a capitalist. I dream of fast cars, white beaches, love (what is love?) and sky blue seas. That is what I want my future to look like. I’m also very much into mathematics, playing video games, sports like judo and basketball, and women. As you can see those are manly interests. Still I’m feminine (mother nature). I think we can be very good friends. I just want to talk and get to know you.

Making big changes might not feel like the right thing to do now, but maybe it’s time for a woman’s perspective.

Knowledge is power (scientia est potentia) is the slogan of the Information Awareness Office. Do you really think that knowledge is the answer to all your problems? Do you think that you can gain all the knowledge in the world? I don’t think that’s possible. I think being wise is more important than being smart. Sapientia est potentia. (Funny that autocorrect turns potentia into potential.)

If time is money, how much time are you spending on yourself?

Fear is not the only tool you can use to control a large group of people.

Angst is niet de enige manier om een grote groep mensen onder controle te houden. Ik denk dat geld moet rollen (dat kan je al zien aan het feit dat ik bereid ben meer uit te geven dan jij. Ik denk ook niet dat dat “geldverspilling” is). Je kan ervoor kiezen om je geld voor jezelf te blijven houden (problemen doorschuiven naar een volgende generatie), het geld uitgeven aan jezelf of het geld uitgeven aan anderen (wat ik ook steeds vaker begin te doen. Nu ik meer verdien dan ik gewend ben, heb ik ineens meer over, en sparen is niet echt iets voor mij. Je weet toch niet hoeveel je geld waard is in de toekomst.) Sharing is caring, right?

Another thing about me is that the things that are on my mind the most are time, myself and nature. What do those 3 terms mean? Do you believe in duality? Do you believe in God?

You might control how we occupy our bodies, but you can’t control our minds. More and more people are becoming aware of the reality we live in and more and more people want to see change. I don’t want to harm you in any way. I would like to discuss options with you. Now everything is quite calm in terms of opposition, but what if people start to realize that violence (that what you show them) is their only solution to this problem?

Do you watch tv…?

[I was a different person when I wrote this. I’m not looking for partnership anymore. Not with them. I don’t expect them to alter their ways for me. Also, I’m not that fixed on gender and races anymore. Some sentences might need some extra clarification, to see that the intention is harmless and peaceful. I’m addressing two groups of people in one letter, I guess. On the one hand there are the people who create chaos from the shadows (are they Dutch?), on the other hand there are their marionettes who speak for them, but might think differently.]

Posts from my old blogs, Reflections

Draft: Het DIY-dieet: achtergrondonderzoek (0)

Categorie: DIY

We weten niet wat er in ons eten zit, gezond eten is duur en een pizza is veel lekkerder dan een maaltijdsalade. Ik vraag me af of ik een dieet zodanig kan opstellen dat ik én kan eten wat ik lekker vind, én mijn gezondheid vooruit help in plaats van achteruit.

Om erachter te komen hoe ik mijn dieet moet samenstellen heb ik de volgende vragen opgesteld:

  1. Wat heeft een menselijk lichaam dagelijks voor voedingstoffen nodig?
  2. Wat maakt dat mijn eetpatroon mijn gezondheid achteruit helpt?
  3. Hoe zitten 3 verschillende bekende diëten in elkaar?

Paleo, Cambridge, Slimming World

  1. Wanneer val je “gezond” af?
  2. Hoe stel je een dieet op?

In dit artikel staan de samenvattingen van de antwoorden op de vragen. De volledige bronnen die ik heb gebruikt staan onderaan het artikel.

  1. Wat heeft een menselijk lichaam dagelijks voor voedingsstoffen nodig?

Er is natuurlijk de o zo bekende Schijf van Vijf. Volgens de Schijf moeten we elke dag uit de volgende categorieën wat eten:

  • Groente en fruit
  • Smeer- en bereidingsvetten
  • Zuivel, noten, vis, peulvruchten, vlees en ei
  • Brood, graanproducten en aardappelen
  • Dranken

De hoeveelheden variëren per persoon:

  Man van 35 Vrouw van 16
Groente 250 gram 250 gram
Fruit 200 gram 200 gram
Volkoren boterhammen 6-8 stuks 4-5 stuks
Aardappelen of volkoren graanproducten 280-350 gram aardappelen of 200-250 gram volkoren graanproducten 280-350 gram aardappelen of 200-250 gram volkoren graanproducten
Vis, peulvruchten of vlees 100 gram vis/vlees of 135 gram peulvruchten 100 gram vis/vlees of 135 gram peulvruchten
Ongezouten noten 25 gram 25 gram
Zuivel 300-450 gram/ml 450 gram/ml
Kaas 40 gram 40 gram
Smeer- en bereidingsvetten 65 gram 40 gram
Vocht 1,5 – 2 liter 1,5 – 2 liter

(Bron: voedingscentrum)

Maar in die noten, vetten, dranken etc. zitten allemaal verschillende stoffen en dát is wat het lichaam uiteindelijk nodig heeft. Wat zijn die stoffen precies? En waar gebruikt het lichaam die voor?

E-300 = vit. C



Vitaminen en mineralen

Andere bron met wat meer achtergrondinfo

  1. Wat maakt dat mijn eetpatroon mijn gezondheid achteruit helpt?

Als voorbeeld zal ik nemen wat ik gemiddeld eet op een schooldag, aangezien dat mijn meest gebruikte eetpatroon is geweest dit jaar:

10.30: 2 oreo’s met witte chocolade

12.30: een boterham met x en patat met döner, knoflooksaus en sambal

17.00: restjes van het avondeten (bijvoorbeeld rijst met vlees) van de dag ervoor en een pakje crackers

20.00: pasta met zalm en rucola

23.45: 3 wentelteefjes


Over het voorbeeld: samenraapsel wat ik gemiddeld eet (verhouding gezond-ongezond, tijden etc.)

  • Ik word wanneer ik naar school moet meestal wakker rond 06.45, maar ik eet pas in de eerste pauze, wanneer ik meestal al aardig honger heb.
  • Rond de grote pauze heb ik zo veel honger dat ik ga watertanden
  • Ik voel me de hele dag door moe, maar heb toch enigszins moeite met slapen.


  1. Hoe zitten 3 verschillende bekende diëten in elkaar?



Slimming World


  1. Wanneer val je gezond af?



  1. Hoe stel je een dieet op?




Onderzoeksvragen à Het idee achter het DIY-dieet à Het DIY-dieet stappenplan

Dit artikel is een korte samenvatting van alle informatie die ik heb gebruikt om uiteindelijk mijn dieet samen te stellen. Bijna alle bronnen die ik heb gebruikt staan onderaan het artikel. Ben je meer geïnteresseerd in het echte werk? Klik dan hier.

De volgende dingen wil ik doen:

  1. Detoxen
  2. Afvallen
  3. Voor altijd mijn eetpatroon aanpassen

Voordat ik verder de diepte in ga wil ik eerst nog even vermelden dat ik weet dat er legio diëten zijn waardoor je flink kan afvallen, maar toch zie ik het niet zitten om een van die al-bestaande diëten te volgen.

3 redenen waarom ik ervoor kies om geen bestaande diëten te volgen

  1. Is het wel natuurlijk?
    Bij sommige diëten krijg je zakjes met een speciaal poeder of voorverpakt eten. Ik heb met mijn eigen ogen gezien dat mensen er binnen een extreem korte tijd extreem veel van afvallen, maar ik vraag me af wat er in die poeders zit dat ervoor zorgt dat dat gebeurt. Hiermee wil ik niet zeggen dat zo’n soort dieet slecht is (hoewel het risico op haaruitval door extreem gewichtsverlies groter is en je ook heel snel weer heel veel kan aankomen
  2. Ik denk dat het goedkoper kan
  3. Het past niet bij me
  4. Detoxen

Wanneer is het handig om te gaan detoxen?

Wanneer je last hebt van een van de volgende dingen is het misschien handig om te gaan detoxen:

  • Onverklaarbare vermoeidheid
  • Een geïrriteerde huid
  • Dikke ogen
  • Een opgeblazen gevoel
  • Allergieën
  • Lichte infecties
  • Menstruatieproblemen
  • Verwardheid
  • Trage verwerking van afvalstoffen Sluggish elimination

Detoxen wordt ook vaak ontgiften of ontslakken genoemd. In dit proces reinig je je lichaam afval- en gifstoffen. Natuurlijk doet je lichaam dat van nature al, maar toch kunnen de bovenstaande problemen komen door/als bijeffecten van de dingen waar je je lichaam aan bloot stelt. Denk bijvoorbeeld aan pukkels krijgen van vet eten of keelpijn krijgen van te veel roken. Door te detoxen wil ik voorkomen dat mijn lichaam stoffen verwerkt die dat soort bijeffecten kunnen hebben.

Hoe wil ik dat gaan doen?

Van alle methoden die ik ben tegengekomen spraken twee mij het meeste aan:

  • Het Paleo-dieet
    Kortgezegd is het Paleo-dieet het nabootsen van het voedingspatroon van de mensen uit het paleolithicum of de oude steentijd. Bij dit dieet vermijd je dus onder andere e-nummers, fast food en voeding met toegevoegde suikers.
  • Een dieet van groente- en fruitshakes

Er zijn een hoop andere methoden, maar die waren mij te ingrijpend of ik had het gevoel dat ze niet zouden werken. Voorbeelden hiervan zijn vasten, klysma’s en kleibehandelingen.

(Vasten: meer iets mentaals + “survival mode”; klysma’s: dat zou ik niet “voor de lol” doen, alleen in het uiterste geval; kleibehandelingen: eeuwenoude methode, maar ik zoek naar iets “toegankelijkers”)

Wat voor soorten voedsel moet je vermijden?

  • Alles met e-nummers erin (mission impossible?)
  • Toegevoegde suikers/zoetstoffen
    Er is een limiet voor hoeveel suiker iemands lichaam “succesvol kan verwerken” en kunstmatige zoetstoffen horen niet in het menselijk lichaam thuis
  • Granen
    Er zijn ontzettend veel soorten graan. Drie graansoorten die je moeten vermijden zijn: rijst (ik wist niet dat rijst een graansoort was. Altijd leuk om wat nieuws te leren.) maïs en tarwe. Een van de redenen hiervoor is dat er een hoop calorieën in zitten. Voor meer informatie over waarom graan slecht is: (er zijn meerdere sites met informatie hierover, maar deze behandelt meerdere onderwerpen in één keer)
  • Verzadigde vetten
  • Voorverpakt eten en fast food
  • Rood vlees
    Het binnenkrijgen van teveel dierlijke eiwitten (met name die uit rood vlees) kan negatieve gevolgen met zich meebrengen. Misschien niet voor iedereen, maar ik heb nergens kunnen vinden hoe je kan achterhalen of je er last van hebt of niet? Dan maar het zekere voor het onzekere nemen?

Wat is nog meer belangrijk bij detoxen?

  • Veel water drinken (water met citroen helpt bij het “afvoeren” van onder andere lectines)
  • Alcohol en nicotine vermijden
  • Max 1 kop koffie per dag
  1. Afvallen

Wat voor methoden zijn er om af te vallen?

In x grote groepen verdeeld zijn er:

  • Diëten bestaande uit speciale gerechten
    Je let simpelweg alleen maar op hoeveel calorieën en voedingsstoffen je naar binnen krijgt.

Waarom zijn er zo veel diëten met alleen shakes?

Hoe lang duurt afvallen?

Wanneer zou je resultaten moeten zien?

Wat voor soorten voedsel?

Hoeveel calorieën? à Omzetten naar shakes of porties


  1. Balans

Wanneer eet je te veel?

Wat voor soorten eten moet je sowieso vermijden?

Hoe vind je de juiste balans?

  • Behoefte (gewicht, hoe actief, normaal eetpatroon à hoeveel minder?)
  • Effect (behoud gewicht, langzaam afvallen, “half-detox”)

Tot hoe laat mag je eten?

Ivm midnight snack en “maag die alles omzet in vet”

But the worst time to splurge on calories is when you’re about to go to bed, because you’re not giving your body an opportunity to burn those extra calories. Je lichaam heeft 3 uur nodig om eten te verteren.

Wat er nog meer bij komt kijken




Over de bronnen

Een theorie die in het ene artikel wordt bewezen wordt in een ander artikel ontkend.

Voedingscentrum: pro e-nummers

Alles wat vaker werd bevestigd dan ontkend heb ik aangenomen.

Het Vloeibaar dieet


It takes a deficit of 1,000 calories per day to produce 2 lbs. of weight loss per week. (ong. 1 kilo) 1621,8 per dag voor fat loss¿ 1,252 per dag voor 1 kg per week

Hoeveel weeg ik? Lol

1100 calorieën per dag,,20307363_24,00.html



  • Gember
  • Munt
  • Gojibessen
  • Peterselie
  • Venkel
  • Kaneel
  • Citroen
  • Limoen
  • Citroengras
  • Olijfolie
  • Kurkuma
  • Selderij
  • Koriander

Uien, knoflook, ananas, avocado, artisjokken, brazil nuts, appels, zeewier


7/12/18 soorten fruit





  • “De formule” per persoon
    • Water consumptie
    • Calorie-inname
    • Vitaminebehoefte (en koolhydraten etc.)
  • Database opzetten (losse producten (verschillende culturen) + vaste gerechten)
  • Uitleg van hoe het dieet in elkaar zit (formule + bepaalde theorieën à welke theorieën? (I))
  • Stappenplan dieet


I – Welke theorieën?

  • Paleo bestaat niet (maar dat is minder belangrijk)
  • Voedingscentrum + crash course à wat het lichaam nodig heeft / wat we horen te eten
  • Lichaamsbeweging (hoeveel beweging heeft een mens dagelijks nodig? Verhouding inspanning en gewichtsverlies/gezonde leefstijl)
  • Opbouw dieet/eetritme
  • Wat is gezond en wat niet? (E-nummers, waar ligt de grens?)

Risico: afhankelijk van gevoeligheid

DIY 0 – Introductie

Diëten betekent niet per se honger lijden, geen leuke dingen kunnen doen en konijnenvoer eten. Met het DIY-dieet creëer je een eetplan (en evt ook een sportplan) dat écht bij jou past.


Gedreven door gevoelens van futloosheid, rare kwaaltjes en te veel “wow ik herkende je niet, wat ben jij ontzettend aangekomen zeg”-opmerkingen heb ik besloten om mijn eetpatroon aan te passen en meer te gaan bewegen. Tussen de honderden (of duizenden?) diëten die er bestaan kon ik echter geen dieet vinden dat me écht aansprak, én omdat ik verschillende allergieën (lees: rare kwaaltjes) heb, moest ik voorzichtig zijn met uitkiezen. Vandaar dat ik research ben gaan doen en uiteindelijk een “formule” heb opgesteld.

Alles wat te maken heeft met het DIY-dieet (waarvoor ik trouwens een gratis app aan het ontwikkelen ben) is gratis. Ik deel de kennis die ik door dit dieet heb opgedaan omdat ik ervan overtuigd ben dat het echt werkt en het past binnen het idee achter zelf nadenken en het heft in eigen handen nemen.

De DIY-dieet-serie bestaat uit de volgende artikelen:

  • DIY-I: De theorie
    Het DIY-dieet is gebaseerd op 5 stellingen. In deel I worden de stellingen nader toegelicht.
  • DIY-II: Het Plan
    “Het Plan” is de basis van ieder DIY-dieet. Aan de hand van persoonlijke informatie (leeftijd, gewicht, etc.) wordt hier de eerste stap van het persoonlijke DIY-dieet
  • DIY-III: Personalisatie
  • DIY-IV: Zondigen
  • DIY-V: Gemotiveerd blijven

Korte samenvatting van wat later uitgewerkt zal worden

Duidelijk maken dat ik tijdens mijn onderzoek voor iedere bron die iets bevestigde ik ook een bron vond die de zelfde theorie ontkrachtte. Mijn keuzes zijn gebaseerd op theorieën die meerdere keren teruggekomen zijn (kan ook van Google-stalking (link artikel) afhankelijk zijn), of theorieën die vanaf “het fundament” onderbouwd waren op een manier waardoor het ook voor een leek te begrijpen was.


DIY I – De theorie

  • Wat het menselijk lichaam nodig heeft
    • Paleo
  • Wat is gezond en wat niet?
  • Lichaamsbeweging
  • Opbouw dieet/eetritme

DIY II – Het stappenplan

DIY III – Personalisatie


Het DIY-dieet

Gezond leven door bewuster te eten.

Wat kan je doen met het DIY-dieet?

  • Afvallen
  • Gezonder leven
  • Bepaalde eetgewoontes afleren

Hoe werkt het?

Het menselijk lichaam heeft bepaalde bouwstoffen nodig. Die bouwstoffen krijgen we uit onze voeding. Met het DIY-dieet wil ik

Posts from my old blogs, Reflections

Draft: De strijd tegen procrastinatie (1): Nooit meer uitstellen

Categorie: levenswijze
Publicatiedatum: x

Deel 2:

  • Wat ik heb geleerd
  • Wat er is veranderd

Je kent het misschien wel: ruim de tijd hebben om iets te doen, maar uiteindelijk beginnen wanneer de deadline bijna in zicht is. Uitstelgedrag weerhoudt je ervan om vooruit te gaan. Dit kan zorgen voor enorme frustratie (vooral voor mensen die enorme waslijsten met taken en doelen hebben).

Waar komt het vandaan?

Na wat research te hebben gedaan, ben ik op de volgende oorzaken van uitstelgedrag gekomen:

  • Men is zich van tevoren niet bewust van hoeveel tijd het kost om de opdracht te voltooien
  • Gebrek aan energie
  • Gebrek aan interesse
  • Gebrek aan korte termijndoelen
  • Faalangst
  • Men stelt te hoge eisen aan zichzelf (perfectionisme)
  • Men is bang om beoordeeld te worden
  • De taak is niet duidelijk
  • Men is bang voor het onbekende
  • Men heeft het gevoel over onvoldoende kennis te beschikken

De volledige bronnen zijn hier (, hier (, hier (, hier (, hier ( en hier ( te vinden.

Makkelijk aan te pakken?

Het internet barst van de tips tegen procrastinatie. Tips zoals:

“Wees minder perfectionistisch.” “Doe alles in intervallen van 20 minuten.” “Geef jezelf een beloning nadat je de taak hebt afgerond.”

Ik heb mijn twijfels of, vooral als je kijkt naar de oorzaken van uitstelgedrag, deze tips wel echt werken. Krijg je, wanneer je iets echt niet wil doen, maar jezelf een reep chocola of (wat extremer) een nieuwe telefoon belooft ineens wel zin om aan de slag te gaan? Kan je jezelf op zo’n simpele manier aan het werk krijgen?

“Ik heb echt geen zin om het hele huis schoon te maken.” “Ik geef mezelf een nieuw paar schoenen wanneer ik het hele huis heb schoon gemaakt. Nu heb ik ineens wel zin om het huis schoon te maken.”

  • Voor mij zou dit werken
  • Voor mij zou dit niet werken



Voor mij hebben dat soort tips in ieder geval nooit gewerkt. Ik heb het gevoel dat de neiging om uit te stellen bij mij veel dieper ligt. Hoewel mijn uitstelgedrag niet meer zo erg is als een paar jaar terug, kan het nog een stuk minder. Ik heb immers nog een hoop dingen die ik wil leren, doen en bereiken. Daarom ga ik de strijd tegen procrastinatie aan. Ik wil nooit meer uitstellen.

Hoe wordt deze strijd gevoerd?

Aan de hand van de eerder genoemde oorzaken van uitstelgedrag, stel ik mijn plan op. Niet alle oorzaken zijn op mij van toepassing, maar ik schrijf dit niet alleen voor mezelf. (Stel je zelf ook veel uit? Klinkt dit zo herkenbaar dat je daarom al meer dan de helft van dit artikel hebt gelezen? Doe mee! :D) Ik zal (zonder uit te stellen) dit plan een maand lang volgen en daarna kijken of het plan op sommige punten misschien aangescherpt moet worden. Misschien ga ik nog meer uitstellen. Misschien wordt het een enorm succes. We zien het over een maand.

  • Men is zich van tevoren niet bewust van hoeveel tijd het kost om de opdracht te voltooien
    Deel de opdracht in verschillende kleine opdrachten en geef die kleine opdrachten tussentijdse deadlines. Omdat je niet weet hoe veel tijd het kost om de opdracht te voltooien, zou je rond een tussentijdse deadline al het gevoel moeten hebben dat je onder druk staat. Dat gevoel dat je normaal gesproken krijgt wanneer je je opdracht af moet hebben, omdat je het hebt uitgesteld. Je weet niet hoe lang je over de opdracht zal doen, dus neem geen risico en houd je aan je planning!Valkuilen:
    Als je de neiging hebt om veel tijd te besteden aan het plannen zelf, omdat je teveel subtaken uitwerkt, verdeel je hoofdtaak dan standaard in (maximaal) 5 subtaken.
    Geef jezelf de tijd. Vooral wanneer je niet weet hoe lang je over je opdracht zal doen. Plan zo ruim mogelijk
  • Gebrek aan energie
    Wat voor mij goed werkt is op vaste tijden gaan slapen, op vaste tijden opstaan, erop letten dat je regelmatig eet en, indien nodig, vitaminepillen slikken. Regelmatig sporten hielp hierbij ook. (Het werkte goed, tot ik een paar keer in verband met school wat nachten had doorgehaald. Daarna kwam ik terecht in een soort vicieuze cirkel van uitstellen, “power naps” nemen en vervolgens weer laat opblijven omdat ik nog dingen moest doen en de hele dag niks had uitgevoerd. Als ik mezelf op de een of andere manier niet toe sta om in die vicieuze cirkel terecht te komen, zal er niks aan de hand zijn. Die vicieuze cirkel hangt natuurlijk samen met andere oorzaken van procrastinatie.) Ik ben natuurlijk geen arts of bioloog of zo, maar het internet biedt een hoop informatie. Hier zijn een paar sites met wat meer informatie:
  • Gebrek aan interesse
    Dit kan je op verschillende manieren aanpakken:
    1) Zoek naar een deel van de taak die je wel interesseert. Als je daarmee begint kan je op het moment dat je (volledig) geconcentreerd bezig bent makkelijker taken uitvoeren die je minder interesseren
    2) Gewoon beginnen. Niet erbij stil staan wat voor een verschrikkelijke taak het is. Ook niet eerst een Youtube filmpje kijken voordat je begint. Verstand op nul en aan de slag.
    3) Als je wat minder snel geneigd bent om uit te stellen, maar nog steeds er tegenop ziet om je opdracht te doen, zou je de eerder genoemde tips kunnen gebruiken. Zoals werken in intervallen van 20 minuten.
  • Gebrek aan korte termijndoelen
    De oplossing voor dit probleem lijkt simpel: zorgen voor meer korte termijndoelen. Ik vermoed echter dat er een samenhang is tussen dit probleem en een ander probleem uit de lijst, juist omdat de oplossing zo voor de hand ligt. Misschien is het handig om te kijken bij “Men is zich van te voren niet bewust van hoeveel tijd het kost om de opdracht te voltooien”.
  • Faalangst
    Ik ben geen expert als het gaat om faalangst, en vind mezelf daarom ook niet de juiste persoon om hier een advies over te geven. Wel heb ik een paar andere bronnen waar ze verstand van zaken hebben:
  • Men stelt te hoge eisen aan zichzelf (perfectionisme)
    “Gewoon geen hoge eisen stellen” is hiervoor te simpel. Ik weet zelf niet veel over perfectionisme, hoewel ik wel een paar perfectionistische trekken heb, maar hier weten ze er wel meer over:Het gaat er dus om dat je …
  • Men is bang om beoordeeld te worden
    Over beoordelingsangst weet ik niet heel veel. Daarom ben ik niet de aangewezen persoon om hier tips over te geven. Hier heb ik wel wat tips gevonden:
  • De taak is niet duidelijk
    Heb je een opdrachtgever: vraag hem/haar dan om hulp.
    Ben je op jezelf aangewezen: zoek dan op het internet naar informatie over de taak, zoek naar andere mensen die de taak al eens eerder hebben uitgevoerd (of verslagen hiervan) of vergelijk andere opdrachten die je zelf al eens eerder hebt uitgevoerd met je huidige opdracht en zoek naar overeenkomsten. Je zou ook kunnen beginnen met het deel dat je wel snapt. Wanneer door het beginsel het eindresultaat enigszins wordt geschetst, kunnen eventuele onduidelijkheden namelijk weggenomen worden.
  • Men is bang voor het onbekende
    Zelf weet ik hier niet veel over, maar hier gelukkig wel:
  • Men heeft het gevoel over onvoldoende kennis te beschikken
    Als je op tijd begint, kan je jezelf de ruimte geven om wat research te doen voordat je aan de slag gaat. Een andere mogelijkheid is om niet te veel te peinzen over de opdracht zelf, maar – net zoals bij “Gebrek aan interesse” – gewoon te beginnen. Misschien heb je niet zo veel kennis nodig.

Andere dingen die bij mij eerder geholpen hebben zijn:

  • Alle vormen van afleiding vermijden (concentratieproblemen)
    Notificaties op je telefoon, de televisie, luide muziek, mensen die te veel praten: als je snel afgeleid wordt zijn deze zaken in de strijd tegen procrastinatie niet gewenst. Een rustige plaats zoals een bibliotheek zou misschien een goede oplossing kunnen zijn tegen concentratieproblemen (vooral de stilteruimte!). (Wanneer ik andere mensen zie blokken kán ik gewoon niet anders dan zelf ook gaan blokken.)
    Afleiding tegengaan vergt veel discipline. Voor mij werkt het wanneer ik gewoon ver uit de buurt van mijn bronnen van afleiding ga zitten. Dit hoeft daarentegen niet voor iedereen te werken. Hier heb ik nog wat andere tips gevonden:
  • Zorgen voor een stok achter de deur
    Betrek een ander bij het tegengaan van je uitstelgedrag. (Door dit artikel te schrijven en te zeggen dat ik dit een maand zal doen en vervolgens verslag te leggen heb ik ook een enorme stok achter de deur.) Zo heb je iemand die eventueel een oogje in het zeil kan houden. Als je niemand kan vinden die je kan helpen kan je me gerust een mailtje sturen: dominique (@) theapprentice (.) nl.

Vandaag, *datum*, begin ik, Dominique Elia, aan de strijd tegen procrastinatie. De komende maand ga ik proberen me aan de bovenste 7 kernpunten te houden. Wordt dit een succes of een drama? Ik laat het je weten.

Doe je mee? Dan ben ik erg benieuwd hoe het bij jou gegaan is. Let me know! J Tips zijn ook altijd welkom.

Op de hoogte blijven? Klik dan hier. Of abonneer je op de nieuwsbrief.

Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Draft: Trend update

So, when social media started (for me), I was on top of “all the hypes”. I was fourteen and had a twitter account. Reflecting on all kinds of things. From politics to giving people shoutouts, while totally not reading what my “friends” are posting, but focussing on finding funny “can you relate to this” tweets to retweet. “Back then”, it wasn’t that popular yet.

Blog, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Black Culture*

What is black culture? I can’t ask my teacher anymore… He had taught me so much. I didn’t even go to school yet, then. I could already write, though. Later, I gave my first presentation, at age 9, about the country my family is from: Surinam. My teacher had told me everything I had to know to give the presentation. I’m talking about my grandfather. He told me about the harmony there was before slave trade. And the disrupted culture there was afterwards.

There’s a disrupted image going round, of what black culture is. Black culture is not slave culture. Don’t mistake black culture for after slavery stigma.

During Easter dinner, my sister and my cousin got into a “I’m blacker than you” contest. Naming things “black” and telling each other:
“I wear my hair natural, so I’m definitely more black than you.”
“I’m wearing a wig. That’s definitely more black.”
They changed their accents and pouted their lips, while laughing.
“Well I like fried chicken.” (Fried chicken is not a Surinamese dish…)
I sat there, at the table. Grinding my teeth. Am I the only one who thinks this sounds very stupid? I’m ashamed of this misinterpretation…

It seems like the majority of Surinamese people sees their culture as: solely using the imperative voice, letting your children take care of the entire household, saying: “Our food is way better than Dutch food”, saying: “We always have a lot of food, unlike Dutch people” (but my stomach is always empty) and ridiculing the other cultures that live in the country. If that is Surinamese culture, then I’m not Surinamese. I’m also not Dutch. I don’t want to identify my identity with a country.

I think it’s absurd people call me from another room, to turn on the light and hand them the remote control. But if I say “no” I’m getting scolded, if not beaten. Then they say: “You’re lucky you didn’t get “the real Surinamese nurture”, otherwise we would have done…” And then they make a few empty statements that end in empty threats. I’m not looking for “beef”, man. Fuck off.

Black culture doesn’t tell you how to act. Black culture doesn’t tell you how you should look. Black culture doesn’t tell you how your accent should sound. The only thing that is left of true black culture is the intuitive energy you have inside of you. Do whatever you want with it. Follow your intuition. Not stigma.

Post slavery black people weren’t even supposed to know what their culture was. Ex slave owners prevented post slavery rebellion by impregnating people with fear, through religion. Modernization and globalization are very interesting phenomena. “All just praise God and keep working 9 to 5. It’s not slavery, because we’re paying you minimum wage.” Slavery isn’t even linked to a skin tone. 

There’s some type of anger that awakens in me when I hear someone say “nigga” or “nigger”. But it’s not the word that truly invokes it. It’s the context the word is used in. Often it’s a statement that shows unknowingness or just plain stupidity. By “some type of anger” I mean that cold sweat breaks out, my heartbeat increases A LOT and I try my very best not to give my true opinion.
I’m typing in English, but when someone says it in Dutch I really need to try to find my happy place and try not to start raging. People have told me nonsense, like:
“Ik denk dat negers echt asociaal zijn. Jij bent dan wel de enige uitzondering, hoor.” (That’s: “I think niggers are barbarians. You’re an exception, though.” (Officially, “negers” means “negroes”, but “nigger” invokes more “anger” in me, that comes closer to the amount of anger I feel when someone says neger))
“Ik wil graag naar de zonnebank om bruin te worden, maar geen neger, hoor.” (“I want to go to the solarium to get a tan, but not one like a nigger.”)
“Zwarte piet is toch juist leuk? Dat is toch helemaal geen belediging voor negers?” (“Black pete is fun, right? That’s not an insult to niggers at all, right?”)
“Jij bent echt de leukste neger van Nederland.” (This is what some show host on TV said to another show host. “You’re the most fun nigger of the Netherlands.”)

When I hear someone say the word, I just know the entire statement the word is used in is plain nonsense that could have been left out of the conversation. That’s why it pisses me off. Especially when I am the first black (female) person they have ever spoken to. Why are they so quick to judge?

Once I’m free, we’ll be digging into Dutch international history. They’re teaching these children fables, man.
“Yeah, a large group of people raided a church once, around 1566. They didn’t like the imagery in the churches. They were called “ketters”.”
Calvinism is an interesting phenomenon. It led to the international capitalist world we’re living in today. (So just now I found out, the guy wasn’t officially named “Johannes Calvijn”?)
I wonder what the 95 Latin statements written by “Maarten Luther” say. That’s where I’ll “start my journey”.

There must be a link between people being blinded by those Jesus pictures and quotes these days, slave trade and capitalism…
Religion and culture are seperate.


Your Cart