00:56 (12:56 AM)
Meoww I ended up still going to the gym and later accompanied a friend to the university library, while I was doing my depressing book keeping.
I need a donation/investment to make my business look more attractive, and that could then lead to anything that looks like revenue.
Currently, I have no income. Only fucking high personal expenses (from my personal account) to escape my parents’ home. And then I get so broke that I have no other option but to go home. Every fucking time. I hope my B will save me! 🙁
There are no definitive location, time and date chosen to meet him yett. I hope he has time to call today 🙂 . I hope I’ll see him very soon.
I’ve been having extreme second thoughts about the university being the neutral ground our first encounter after 2 years should take place at. It leaves such a bad impression that we can’t just discuss it one-on-one, but that my mother “has to” be present. Why don’t they trust my B 🙁 . It makes me look soooooooo unprofessional 🙁 .
Today, I’m going to continue to work on my bookkeeping, do other useful things and go to the gym again in the evening. Secretly hoping to hear from my B and throw around my entire schedule 🙂 .
I’m off to beddd
Goood nighttt xxx
19:45 (07:45 PM)
Meoww my day is more bed petty than I expected it to be. It’s so hard for me to get out it… And my heart has been acting up heavily. That I have not yet eaten or drunken anything today can be one of the factors causing that. It’s a vicious cycle.
I wake up tired, stay in bed hoping to feel less tired, get (more) hungry as I lay in bed, the Dutch diet does not suit my taste (because it’s unnatural and I can taste that) and that causes me to not want to eat, my body weakens and I get more tired as I don’t want to eat while I should, a lot of time passes as I lay down contemplating life, right before I feel that I’ll pass out, I get up to (get ready and) eat and then I still work on the schedule I’ve given myself for that day, causing me to sleep late.
I see several things I need to do to break that cycle:
- See a doctor (because my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia influence my fatigue).
- Move to a country where non-artificially grown foods are sold. It’s better for my health and I’d be able to really enjoy food again.
- Get my business off the ground, so that I feel happy and have a reason to leave my bed and use my diverse range of talents, every day.
- Surround myself with people who are able to understand how I feel (because the judgment of those who don’t is very hurtful and depressive. I wouldn’t care, if I could distance myself from them).
All things on that list cost money, and that is something I don’t have at the moment, so, again, this starts with earning enough to emigrate and thrive my business ASAP. That means not receiving the salary of an uneducated person, and that seems unavoidable in this country, being who I am.
Another reason why I feel like laying in my bedroom with the blinds closed, is having spent hours in full confrontation with how incredibly broke I am, from making that Access database for bookkeeping.
I’m still going to continue working on it today, though. Obligations….
Currently, I’m waiting for dinner, which will be my first meal of the day. On the long term, I’m waiting for my B… I’m going to elaborate on that after I’m done eating.
22:33 (10:33 PM)
It’s crazy to say that in 2017 I started waiting intuitively. Dr. Crutzen (also known as my B haha xd) was interested in doing business with me, and my worries about never being able to leave my parents’ house started to fade a little.
Until my parents themselves strategically distanced me from him, with their psychiatric measures. They have portrayed him as the cause of my odd behavior. While they are the cause. Look at all of the weird shit I need to do to escape their authority.
The concept of brain-to-brain communication is what makes understanding this situation more complex to those who do not have that type of connection with me.
I love being able to hear him in my mind. My parents and every person related to psychiatry they have involved in my case, have said that me saying that I appreciate it is just a sign of mental distortion and weakness, and that they have to help me by forcing me to take high dosages of antipsychotics, my body is intolerant of. (I want to help myself and future victims by prosecuting them for this.)
If he, in the period in which I was still under treatment in his name (while they never let my B and I deliver a statement together, the way they should have), would have confirmed our brain-to-brain communication, would have said that he really wants to do business with me and that I am right for wanting to distance myself from all of them, they would have destroyed both our careers, instead of just mine. All of this was happening behind closed doors. This blog did not exist yet, so they could have done whatever to us – the way I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures or videos in the institutions I’ve been in – and no one would know about the even worse injustice we could have been living through.
Now there’s only the injustice I’ve been living through, being treated and stigmatized as a schizophrenic, while being strategically kept away from the only person who can truly help me out of this situation.
That is absolutely not nothing – because it has emotionally (I’m still dealing with flashbacks that raise my heart rate and make me feel very sad and angry (veryyyyy angry)) and physically (tachycardia and muscle stiffness) destroyed me – but at least it’s solvable.
Especially now that my mother has burnt her fingers by wanting to seal her victory, by contacting dr. Crutzen about me, just a few weeks ago. She just doesn’t know it yet. (Then again, maybe she does? She lies to me so often that I don’t know what’s real anymore.)
He has told her things like “I’m worried about Dominique, too” and “sterkte”, which seems like sympathy towards her. Her worry about me relates to me not socializing with our “family” the way I used to, preferring death over a working for a boss and making statements about how brain-to-brain communication will save me from her intense attachment to me.
I believe that his worry about me relates to the very frequent near death experiences I experience, because of the state of my heart, and the way I scream in silence at night, because I miss him far too much and want him to cuddle me to sleep. And my worry for encountering another person who’ll state that he/she is trustable and then forces me to make the schizophrenic nonsense I live through worse again.
Unfortunately you, my dear reader, will soon have to choose a side. I don’t want to be experienced by the eyes of those who can consider me a schizophrenic. Those are people I refuse to do business with. It’s your choice, to either spend the rest of your life in the camp of my “parents” and the masses they have convinced of me being a mentally weak person and a bad leader, or to join team Fangs and enjoy the benefits of living under D.O.C.I.S. International (once we have our compounds).
I love you no matter what you choose. I’m trying my best to explain the (figurative) camps to you, but, of course, you’ll need to hear the perspective of the other camp personally as well.
What makes this situation even more layered, is that I remember the first time seeing dr. Crutzen was in 2015 – when I was in high school, visiting the university he works at, as a “student for a day” – and that we started to become friends in 2017, after I had followed (but never finished… I didn’t attend the final exam, because I hate to fail tests I haven’t prepared for (and knowing that in advance)… 🙁 ) his class. After all that time, I developed a major crush on him… It’s something I didn’t dare to share with others.
We have so much in common that I couldn’t help but be very attracted to him. I rarely meet someone like me. (Really… It’s 1/10000000…) The first time I was in his private presence – not saying much, which is what happens when I find someone attractive – was when I took my ex-boyfriend (who then was my boyfriend) and his friend to one of the first lectures of dr. Crutzen’s block, because they disapprove of microeconomic theory as a whole, so I wondered if his perspective would change anything about that. (It did not.)
I enjoyed hearing dr. Crutzen’s perspective, because in my relationship, I, too, was defending the subject, but I was still a pupil. It was nice to hear someone argue for my side, for a change, and really liked the way he is so different from anyone I have ever met. (The way he speaks and the way he moves, very much included.) Ever since that little debate, I used any nonsense that popped up in my head to approach him with a question after his lectures. I just really enjoyed talking to him and hearing his unique perspective…
This one time, he asked me to e-mail him the reason why I wanted to speak to him, because he had to go somewhere. From that moment onwards, our friendship developed itself. When I had quit my studies and I was trying to further develop my PR concept – while things in my personal life were quite awful – we decided to meet in person, in his office.
The first time, we were alone and we talked about literally everything. The second time, my boyfriend was present as well, we had a very diverse conversation again, he advised me to select the last option of the document with business ideas I had sent him, and he lent me two books.
Those two times we spent time together in private – just chatting in his office – I’d become internally sad after saying hello. I didn’t like saying goodbye to him, and wished that I could spend forever with him. (As his adopted child, I considered a possibility, then. Since things at my house were very unpleasant to me.)
I spent a lot of time reading the books he lent (or gave to¿) me and worked on the development of that “PR combined with a lot of different subjects, with happiness as its end goal” ( = D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R., basically…). I didn’t see him in the meantime, because I really wanted to impress him with my ideas, so I wanted to have fully finished them first.
At home, my parents gave me deadlines for expecting business results, having to find a job, having to move out, et cetera. I didn’t meet any of them, because they interfered with the alternative path I had chosen, where the goal is far more important than the basic routine of life.
To meet them in the middle, I proposed to follow an accounting course in Atlanta, for executives, for which the final assignment was to give a presentation about an example of an accounting problem in my field. I saw that as the perfect opportunity to use my PR strategy in practice, work together with dr. Crutzen (as my subject) and improve my chances on the job market.
Unfortunately, my parents didn’t want to pay for the course (because the Dutch tax agency would be notified of how much money there actually is in this household and they said that they don’t trust me anymore with following an education programme, because I had quit the economics program), they found Atlanta too far away (because they wouldn’t be able to do anything or know what happened, in case something happens… If there’s one commonly said statement that can piss me off, it’s that. Might as well spend eternity in a fucking bird cage (oh wait I’m already doing that haha (not funny haha help meeee))) and they didn’t want me to spend so much time with dr. Crutzen (because he is not a friend of the family). I was disappointed and angry about my parents decision [it’s very annoying to live poor in the house of rich people, just because they fear they will be caught with their fraudulent shit, if they share with me], but happy that dr. Crutzen still wanted to develop that campaign with me.
Unfortunately (again), not so long after this, the fights at home became worse, I shunned my parents (by means of not having to argue), and that was when they started their psychiatric nonsense, for which they blamed dr. Crutzen. That was exactly two years ago.
What makes all of this even crazier, is that my mother – a while ago, when I wasn’t posting diary posts (in 2019) – said “You want him to do a paternity test, don’t you?” While that was not on my mind at all… It wouldn’t surprise me if dr. Crutzen is my biological father. I don’t look like mr. Elia (who I do regard to as my father) at all. But in the few weeks before that, my mother has fully denied my gut feelings of dr. Crutzen being my father. (Though she could have sooo many reasons to deny it, and they’re all just as frustrating. Getting married while you’re pregnant with someone else’s child… What a hassle x_x.)
Could that mean that I’ve coincidentally developed this super intense crush on someone who turns out to be my biological father? Yesssssss. This might sound very random, but I would find that very cool 😀 . It would show suuuch an interesting form of heredity… It’s also great for developing our relationship, because I want hugs and kisses, and to sit on his lap and get bedtime lectures and stuff… 😀
It would be so trippy to go from “I’m Surinamese Creole, “Boeroe” (Surinamese Caucasian), Surinamese Native, Bahamian, Jamaican and English” to “I’m BlackTalian”. But I’m already quite accustomed to the title 😀 (in my mind haha…). I’ve never met someone who is Surinamese and Italian. (It’s almost as if its cultures are in contradiction with each other…)
The confusing part is that there was sexual attraction, before I had the knowledge of his potential fathership. I’d never give in to that attraction that much in real life anyway, since he’s a married man, but it won’t vanish. Once it’s there, it’s there. That’s the way I am.
It’s way past twelve, so I’m going to start a new diary day xxx