Good evening ♥

I hope you’re having a nice weekend. Especially because I’m enjoying mine less than I want to. (And when it comes to my mind working overtime always, I don’t experience “weekend”.) On the one hand, I don’t want you to feel how I feel, because the feeling is awful. But on the other hand, if you feel the same, I am not alone in this feeling and our embrace will feel sooo goood 😙 . That’s the reason why this diary is public. It’s my only escape from here. If you anticipate on what I tell you, life will become better for the both of us. The life that suits me is nothing like what I’m currently experiencing. The same goes for you.

But if you want to read something uplifting, don’t read this… If you’re depressed as fuck, like me, you’ll find much recognizable things here.

EinzelgΓ€nger

I ended up still testing out my new workout shoes, yesterday.

I really appreciate the basketball court/soccer field right behind my house, when it comes to that. And my new shoes feel great for all sports purposes, and run much more comfortable than my old basketball shoes. I can’t show you how I run or anything, though, because I’m always by myself. (Plus, I wouldn’t know if I’d ask someone to film for me, if that person prefers me to look bad or to look good. I hate to be disappointed… (You really don’t want to end up on my “Who to kill” list.))


[Never being proud of myself is another symptom of my scapegoatness. It’s hearable in that video. And everything else I do basically. I need Cishes meow πŸ™ .]
Doing so many things I used to do with other people, now by myself for over two years, makes me feel a strange form of grief along with everything I do. [Because I’ve been feeling grief for so long already, mourning does not add much to that anymore. A little less, every day.] Not because I miss the people I used to spend time with. On the contrary. I’m alive for over 22 years and have still never found a person who really is like me, with whom I can spend time. I need someone who feels the same about life as I do. Because I’ve been a scapegoat all my life, genuine mutual judgment is one of my most serious needs.

Craving Comfort

The comfort I seek is not satisfied by just anyone’s attention. I feel people want attention from me, so that they can tell other people how their interaction with me was. More often negatively. Though this is not that obvious, I’m a familiar face, after all. It’s why I tend to avoid most people. Also one of the many reasons why I don’t pick up the phone.


Ahaha and look who is a contact in my phone 😢 #LonelyCatje


And especially after that anonymous call [I really doubt if that was real HR], I detest phone conversations. My trust issues deservedly become worse every day.

I must say that receiving attention from me is a privilege. And currently, the wrong people are getting that. Think of all of these lonely Graeynissis who have the weight of the world on their shoulders, who I could be helping out πŸ™ . I could give you a second youth, my meowww.

Meanwhile the way I am open about how I feel about sex and relationships is mistaken for me wanting sex from people who are not an asset to my life? I want to become entitled to say what may and may not happen on every piece of land in this world (sort of by any means possible, but I don’t want new traumas).

I’m so sick and tired of this dumb society, this ugly house, this uncomfortable bed, my fucked up clothing and these blog post in which I’m trying to figuratively shake you back and forth and tell you: “PUBLICLY ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS YOUR PROPHET. WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT, YOU KNOW THAT WE’RE MUCH BETTER OFF TOGETHER. AND I DON’T MEAN BEING ONLINE TOGETHER. I MEAN THAT WE WILL BE HIGH-FIVING AND HUGGING EACH OTHER EVERY TIME WE HAVE REBUILT A PART OF THE WORLD AND REPLACED IT WITH SOMETHING SOOOO MUCH BETTER. NOT FEELING ANYTHING ABOUT FULLY DESTROYING THIS PLACE AT FIRST AT ALL. EVERYTHING IS A TRAUMA TO ME (EVEN INCLUDING CERTAIN WORDS) HELP ME GET RID OF MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS PLEASEEEEEEEEE.”

I was taken over by that feeling of wanting to destroy everything again (something that has to happen anyway man these fucking old shitty buildings will collapse anyway), after I blocked someone after he unblocked me to again tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. Leave my heart alone, you sexy tall trapped in cultural prison cute individual 😢 . I hadn’t had a conversation that made me feel so good (before we blocked each other), in such a long time 😢 . Also sucks that it was online.

When I’m hurt like that, I want to scream in the loudest way possible. So I took it to Twitter, in my native language:


“The internet is playing games with my heart 😢 . As if real life hasn’t been doing that enough 😢 .”


“Most of you can go to hell.” Referring to those who hurt me because it is their demonic personality. Slightly insulting me and then making me crave their approval. If they die, I won’t need their approval anymore πŸ™‚ .


“Who can’t go to hell? I don’t know? Who hasn’t hurt me? Currently, it’s more “Who can I still forgive?”


“At some point the individual and collective measure are full.” I’m so done with all of you playing games with my heart. Just be open to me. I hate being treated like a fucking alien to aliens. ALIEN TO ALIENS. ALIENSSSSS. ACKNOWLEDGE MEEEEEEE.


“Every time I say “save me”, I mean that I should be deported from the house I live in. These are far from normal living circumstances, I have tachycardia and an aortic insufficiency, I am an unplanned child raised by old children ( = my parents), I’m a destroying-the-system-a-holic.”


“The “greatness” of my identity on the web and my identity in real life, unmatch so severely. Preferably, I wouldn’t even show you my surroundings, because I am so ashamed of them.” Look at my featured image meowwww.

This could have been us but you playin’ meowww. This image is made by Roberto Nickson.

Et cetera. Please follow me on Twitter, by clicking here and then clicking “follow”, my Graeyniss πŸ™‚ .

Example Sentences

I find entertainment in improving my English. And I love reading example sentences and acting as if it is someone who knows me so very well, comforting me. Now, via a Twitter friend [@cam14uche], I’ve found a good vocabulary builder.

I love making example sentences myself, too. Here are some. Some are from my response to his vocabulary builder tweet, some I made on the spot. I’d love to do this for an online dictionary. (Or my online dictionary? πŸ˜€ Let’s all fuse πŸ˜€ .)

His ANECDOTAL way of lecturing was very intriguing.

Any PECCADILLO should be addressed, to make sure that no one is stuck with an unnecessary sense of guilt.

They asked for her passport to ADDUCE her identity.

Many members of the organization practiced CHICANERY to increase the sales of their bad quality products.

Innocent GUILE was used to surprise you with a much more enjoyable fate.

If the Netherlands flood, that means that all property on its soil will be DEBASED.

Years of continuous scapegoating has turned her into an insecure NAYSAYER.

The Nosce Te Ipsum survey is used to EXTRAPOLATE The Universal Standard of Human Reasoning.

We are PROFUSE in the way we share our content.

Her SCRUTINY makes her only see room for improvement in everything and makes her enjoy life less.

Those who pretend to do everything by the book speak of themselves as honest and REPROBATE creative minds who want to show an alternative perspective in an alternative way.

The FOOLHARDY decision making of many, can seriously damage our environment.

The HAPLESS will become fortunate.

ASPERITY has become the current standard in society.

My projects will SATIATE every single one of your needs.

Though we were born miles apart, we are CONSANGUINEOUS.

Intelligence is CONGENITAL.

To lie about someone else is so very JEJUNE.

Acrobatic dancing and fireworks sealed the GNARLY performance.

The Nieuwe Maas BIFURCATES into the Hollandse IJssel, the Lek and the Noord.

Natural brain-to-brain communication is a PRODIGIOUS event.

The crowd acting demonic towards is us an ANOMALY.

Those who disrespect The Fangs will be DEFENESTRATED.

Those who PLAGIARIZE should be punished more severely.

The NEXUS between why he has a Nexus One and drives a Lexus, are linked to his orientation.

There will be a save haven for those who are positively ATYPICAL.

The Dutch Golden Age is considered a HALCYON for some.

I was pleased by his PERSPICACIOUS notions.

To unveil the hidden nexus between our economic, legal and political system, we will make a FORAY.

I was NONPLUSSED when Victishe started a conversation with me. [And then I spent too much time overthinking my response and behaved inappropriately πŸ™ . I want Cishes sooo badly fain gladly 😻 .]

4 minutes until publishing moment lol.

I reached Canada last night :D. I reallyyyyy wonder howwww???

& today’s before 9 yays

Good month. Though I wish to see all-red… And then organize a party πŸ˜€ .

I’ll be back here tomorrow at 9 PM Amsterdam time. And I’m tired of faking post view ay.

Ciao ♥