01:08 (AM)

I just ate some bread and left-overs. I’m at a more comfortable location than in 2017. This is an open vicinity. In 2017, I was in the closed vicinity.

I wasn’t allowed to record the intake. But I still recorded a short piece, before I was told to shut off my phone and prove that it was off. (My god x_x.) I’ll just keep it for my own administraton, but won’t share the audio file on here. I don’t want to upset those who have authority over me, here…

The conclusion of the conversation was that we don’t like each other and the man doesn’t know and understand why I’m here. I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere 🙂 . I hope…

One of the questions he asked me, is if I hear a voice in my head or see things that are not there. I told him “No”. That’s a “diagnosing with schizophrenia again” question, and The Head Cuddle is not schizophrenia.

The max of days to stay here is 5. What will we be doing afterwards, my Graeynissis? I hope you’ll just be here today already… 🙁 I’m so lonely 🙁 .

The Fangs brushing teeth before going to sleep

I use that tiny bottle of hotel soap for hand soap. And I didn’t take my wig along because fuck ittt. I don’t find it pretty anymore and would like to purchase a different one. Plus letting my natural hair breathe more often…

So I told you I was going to end up here, and I really hope you’ll anticipate on this with the knowledge you have from keeping up with me over a year of blog posting…

I’m going to sleep.

Good night ♥

~~~

03:06 (AM)

I’m still awake…

In theory, after a bad night of sleep, just taking it slow the next day still feels good. But I don’t know if I’ll be expected to participate in group activities… From past experiences, I know everyone is woken up for breakfast at 8 o’ clock.

About the following passage in this post: “I’m basically here so that my Graeynissis can pick me up and my parents won’t interfere 🙂 . I hope…”: I mean that the situation at home was becoming too unbearable, and I really shouldn’t go back there, but without Graeynissis I can do business with, I can never seal that freedom. Never. Therapeutic conversations won’t solve my problems. Money will…

I just desire to have my own house 🙁 .

I really hope you’ll visit me here with flowers, and do a cool business proposal…

I really don’t feel that safe around people who have been in institutions for decades, deprived off sex, and psychological warfare type therapists, taking into consideration the financial benefits of being a patient…

So how do I get out of here and never go back to my parents’ house ever again? I can’t do that without you…

~~~

07:44 (AM)

Good morning ♥

I hope you’re doing good 🙂 . I managed to sleep some and feel like sleeping some more. I also feel like screaming, but I really shouldn’t…

My mother has been threatening to send me here for sooo long. I hope she’s happy to see the result with her own eyes. I don’t want her to visit me, because that would be too much mental torture.

So I’ll be hiding here until I’m forced to blend in with “the group of like-minded people here”… Help 🙁 . It feels like my case with Dr. Crutzen all over again…

~~~

08:05 (AM)

Still in bed 😀 . I’m officially not allowed to report to the world how things go around here… I don’t want to witness it another day, either. Honestly, this is where I want to start my reform of this system.

There should be much more political attention for the way people are treated here!

~~~

08:34 (AM)

Still laying here…

I’ve been all by myself for so much more time I’ve been in someone else’s company 🙁 .

I don’t want to live through this psychological warfare again 🙁 .

~~~

08:49 (AM)

Meanwhile I live with the constant thought of people masturbating with the thought of me. It’s not a taboo, but my actual reason for broadcasting is not sex, but the law and leadership… I hope you’ll approach me for the right reasons…

I should get out of bed… But I’m wearing shorts…

~~~

09:05 (AM)

At the closed vicinity and EMC, you’re woken up for breakfast. Here not, I see. That’s good. I feel so much worry and pain – because what if my Graeynissis won’t have my back by showing up here… 🙁 I don’t want to have therapy conversations and introduce myself… I’m too sad and worried, to act as if everything is fine 🙁 .

~~~

10:08 (AM)

Okay, I’m going to get out of bed… I hope I won’t be harrassed… I’m a bit scared… But often things turn out less bad than I project them to be. Last time, I got along with the “fellow patients” very well 🙂 .

Also, I forgot to bring along make-up remover, which I want to go buy, but I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of having to hand in my room key when I leave the building. Some of the things I’ve taken with me, are quite valuable…

Such as this classic 🙂

I have a much better view than at home 😀

~~~

11:02 (AM)

There’s an authority problem here…

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11:38 (AM)

Therapeutic conversations make me want to die even more…

I say I can’t be at home, because I want a share of family capital and I say most of my “relatives” are mafia. And the therapist says that she thinks that is a symptom of schizophrenia. How about she’s a schizophrenic for even considering me to be a schizophrenic? Kanker zooi.

I want my medical record destroyed. I need a second opinion from abroad…

I’m going to take a shower…

~~~

15:56 (03:56 PM)

Twitter highlights:

I’m quick to post, because any snake can kill me at any second. They do not have the right to force me to stop blogging!!! Not even at the closed vicinity that should have never even been said by that bitch that has definitely made the “Who is not allowed on Planet Fang” list on my mind… Who would be on your list? 🙂

~~~

20:47 (08:47 PM)

I didn’t have to pack after all 🙂 . I’m glad that the acute dienst was able to see that moving me to the closed vicinity is completely unnecessary.

The past makes me very defensive against those who work in the psychiatric industry. And I think sometimes I’m very right for doing that. Like today, for example. She could have taken my freedom away just like that, and if my blog weren’t here, no one would know the unlawful situation I’d be put in.

But today’s conversation with the acute dienst (of which I have no recording), made me realize that not all people in this industry are (so) unnecessarily and painfully authoritarian (it should be illegal).

To me, a real psychiatrist is an extraordinarily good conversationalist, and not someone who is just going down the list of DSM definitions, to see if there’s a match, and then prescribe some pills… This system doesn’t allow me to choose who I share my deepest secrets with. (They might as well get me killed by mafia. My blog is just the surface of my secrets, hiding in plain sight…) I’m so very glad that the acute dienst man I spoke yesterday, was here today as well, and that he was able to empathize with me on this!

There’s such a huge difference between someone who specializes in psychiatry (and who is truly passionate about the discipline), and “a basisarts”….

I guess there has been a miscommunication. It’s evident to us all, that there are too many burdens on my mind, to currently rule the business I’m trying to start. I certainly need to have some good conversations about how I truly feel. I know probably all DSM definitions apply to me… The reason why I’m so defensive is because of the disrespectful and derogatory way people are treated within this system.

Of course I want to talk!!! But only when I can start with a clean slate, and when my word, in my medical record, weighs heavier than that of my parents.
Something I’m, however, still, never going to accept, is psychiatric medicines. I need to air out my heart, not damage it further than the antipsychotics already have.

I’m glad I’ll get a chance to speak to the psychiatrist of the vicinity, tomorrow 🙂 . (This far it has been regular doctors, (master) students and nurses…) I’ll start preparing my true, clean slate case, on paper 🙂 . I like including causality in the way I define my mind (but not everyone is able to understand that). I’m convincing myself that the psychiatrist will understand me. I hope it will be true. It would make me feel a lot less extremely lonely…

I hope I could also hear his view about the psychiatric system, and the things he would like to see change. Maybe even co-write an article with me, so that I still have something for the 30th… But I don’t know if my heart is safe with this person or not, yet, though… Some people, by means of “therapy” just use weak compliments [like “oh wow, that was not that bad,” as insinuating the assumption that it was not going to be good and that it is still not outstanding quality… Those who do that, I still find an absolute disease. I’ve met far too many of them… x_x] to indirectly insult my intelligence and shape me with insecurity…

A simple solution to this hygiene problem I spotted here, is to give every inhabitant here [I find that “patient” sounds pejorative in this situation] his/her own wash cloth:

It’s still cute, though 🙂

I did bring my own, but just felt like saying this, because of the amount of people that come and go, here…

~~~