05:57 (AM)

Good morning :)♥

The chirping of birds woke me, a while ago. In case you see the featured image and wonder why my pillow is tilted to the side: it’s because (often, due to pillow quality) I prefer to lay my head on the mattress and pretend as if my pillow is someone I can cuddle with…

Kinda feel at home here

I ate some left over soy beans, as I checked my notifications, after which I emptied my bladder. Now I’m back in bed.

Meowww I wish I really had someone to talk to, with whom I can be intimate, who doesn’t want me to change at all. 90% of those I speak to, don’t understand the decisions I make. Not even after explanation. Still they advice me to stop acting differently than others. I have many reasons to do what I do, the way I do it. That’s why I have such a great need for the type of friendship where one look explains enough.

Meanwhile, my fantasies are getting more wild by the minute. Even elevators and taxis are not safe for us anymore… 😻 Though I love the way the mental images make me feel, I fear getting too attached to the idea of us together… Because what if it won’t happen :(.

Being friends or more than friends with me, is/will be/could be something a lot of people have an opinion about. Much of my provocative strategy is received with negative commentary, because I see a complete disruption and replacement of the system we live in, as an improvement, and a lot of people (in truth) do not want their lives to change. I’m telling you: due to the state of our environment (including overpopulation and the injustice many are living in), change is inevitable.
But you and I, like those who will judge us, have the right to have good friendships, too, right. I think, if some would see us together, they would be shaken up by the radience of our power, intelligence and influence. That is something we should disregard, because to better our fate, our Alliance is supposed to become reality.

Today will be a very hot day… I feel like getting a slush puppy? And I do want to get started with that essay I spoke of yesterday. I think I’ll write it down on paper first, for a change. But first, I’ll close my eyes again for a while, later have breakfast and get ready and stuff… xxx

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14:06 (02:06 PM)

Some wild tweets:

Help me er ajb voor zorgen dat ik nooit meer Maccie eet… Ben elke keer misselijk erna x_x. Doe mij maar lobster…

Dit was ik naar mezelf maar snap je wat ik probeer te doen… xd

Currently still @ mcdonalds. Ik denk niet dat ik mijn McFlurry M&M op krijg haha…

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17:41 (05:41 PM)

I’m so tired meowww x_x.

Zzzzz 😴

This weather [and the thought of you 😻 ] got me like… 😂

I enjoyed the weekend, though. I fear tomorrow. I’m powerless against the mental torture sessions I can’t get away from. All I can do is list my rights. They don’t understand that the only reason why I’m here is to have sone time away from home, hopefully even to move out right after I get out of here. They don’t have a protocol for that, here, so they consider me a mentally lost cause. They still think I have trouble learning… I just have high standards, that’s all.

It takes time to put my business concept into practice. Time they can’t and don’t even want to give me, here. I wish to escape the authority of the health care industry and the authority of my parents. I did that when I went to the United States and I did that when I went to Germany (twice). I don’t have the money to do that again. (Otherwise I would have done that again as soon as I received my new passport…) If I don’t escape this situation soon, I’ll probably die under strange circumstances – the way many patients have – and they’ll say it was suicide. I don’t want to die anymore now that, by being here, I’ve received a new chance to prove my point [THAT I AM NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC]. But I can only succeed in this, if I receive the support from those who can truly understand my writing.

It’s dinner time. I’ll be back afterwards, though I feel like sleeping already… xxx

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19:32 (07:32 PM)

Dinner – bami – was quite good 🙂 . I’m back in bed now. This weather is making me feel like a dried leaf, and I fear this place, in that context, because lorazepam is considered a medicine… It’s my tachtcardia acting up, and psychiatric drugs will make that worse. Wish I had money to visit my doctor in Germany again…

Remember this audio file? https://1drv.ms/u/s!AhevpAkFFwyIi2XeP6xJYmwXkgFY
To me, that is not therapy, but plain abuse of authority. All I do is constantly defend myself. It’s exhausting. I don’t want that again, but tomorrow is Monday 🙁 🙁 🙁 .

I wish I could be with my Vicje 🙁 . Who knows my chances with him. I don’t know, because every time I’ve been around him, I get too busy with fighting the urge to kiss and touch him, while trying to make a cool impression (hahahahahahahaha)…. (I pray he feels the same way about me…) He’s one of the few people on this entire globe, I actually genuinely find attractive. He’s number one on my mental list of people I find attractive. Jhene Aiko is second 🙂 .

I feel kind of lost. During the last “therapy” session, it was said that they wanted to keep me in this ward only until after the weekend, and that after that, they want me to go back to the house of my parents and go back under treatment at the people I went all the way to the United States for, to escape them. This system is awful 🙁 . I don’t even have Graeyniss friends who can visit me here 🙁 .

To solve the problem I’m dealing with, here, I need the capital to buy my own house, and I need the investment needed to further develop my business (concept) (and some money for tuition)… Though they have it, my parents are not an option to ask this, because they would rather keep the money to themselves (and spend it irrationally)… I’d love to ask the people with a high status in society I’ve met, but they have a high status to maintain… I don’t know anyone else willing to support me. Especially not because of the controversial contents of my blog, my social environment doesn’t like.

I can really only do this with you, my Graeyniss… Which is so awesome, on the one hand, because I don’t want to spend time with anyone else! But on the other hand, I fear that you won’t do anything either, and that my fate is to die alone 🙁 .

Haha wow I just heard thunder strike, but, for a second, thought it was a gunshot. Meooow this weather makes me want to have someone to cuddle with even more 🙁 .

Since the ~experts~ here use the last few posts of my blog to call me mentally insane and someone who needs psychiatric drugs et cetera: I have serious grounds to plead for the assassination of some, including overpopulation and illegal activities. I am not a bad influence on my readers, because they haven’t done it – and even if they did, it wouldn’t be for nothing. That is also content for a police case and not a psychiatric case.

I can’t talk about my depression with these people here, because all they do is look at that file from 2017 and try to figure out what the exact schizophrenia of mine is, so that they can prescribe psychiatric drugs to me, with a reason why (@ health insurance). That’s just making me far more depressed! They’re also not even open to listen to my self-diagnoses, “because I’m the patient”. Help me please 🙁 .

The greatest flaw in this psychiatric industry, is that there are too many patients per “doctor”. And that every session is with a different person, who then tries to continue the conversation of his/her colleague, but only knows what the colleague has paraphrased in the digital patient file, which is not everything.
Especially with me, you can’t hold a conversation in that way. My blog has over 400 posts on them, all about this case of mine. I’d appreciate it if the person reviewing me were prepared. And especially not judge after having read not even 10% of what is on here.
But they’re not willing to take the time for me like that. I can understand that, because I’m not open to use psychiatric drugs anyway, and there’s not enough time for a session, because of the amount of patients.

On top of all of that: if I considered psychiatry effective for me, I would have approached a psychiatrist myself, instead of, again, having my mother force me to see one.

What would truly solve my emotional problems, is sex, business and money. Though that might sound as a way to cover up emotional problems: the reason why I’m unsatisfied in life is because I’m striving towards the funding of a multi-component, multinational business, and I’m still not there yet. Plus I’m lonely… And when I, around proletarians, say “still” not “there” yet, they start with meaningless oneliners about having to start small and that failure is not bad et cetera. But for my level of intelligence, that’s worse than bad, and you all know it…

So I’m trying to reason out a quick way to solve this:

– I need to get money.
I should get my laptop, so that I can continue configuring my new online (book)store [in which I also want to sell classics fron Seneca and Ovid, et cetera… You’ll love it!!! 😻 ]. But for that, I need to go past the house of my parents and I wish to not speak to them… But my keys are at home x_x.

– I need to prove that I don’t have schizophrenia.
Just because of my aspirations, I want my files to show the truth about me. However, if convincing you through my own network (D.O.C.I.S. International/LilFangs.com) is possible, then I could sort of settle for that. Meanwhile, my mother loves to send me here, though. That’s why I do prefer to correct my file. To stop her from being able to do that.
The problem is that the “doctors” here, who don’t have time for exceptional cases, are not even willing to listen to the reasons why not. And if one psychiatrist would say “Lil Fangs is not a schizophrenic”, it would be much easier for other psychiatrists to say that the psychiatrist supporting me is also a schizophrenic, instead of suddenly having the world know that dozens of healty care professionals have done a VERY bad job with me, because I am not a schizophrenic (and have never been one, but the illness is chronic, so according to those “experts”, I was born weak-minded). I hope now you know for sure why I have been putting so much emphasis on my medical record, over the past few years 🙂 .

– I need a place to stay.
Chances are that tomorrow they’ll either send me home or send me to a different ward. What I want is to live with someone I can talk business with (and be intimate with). But that is only possible when you anticipate on this blog post (Vicje 😻 ). If not – which would break my heart, but I could still get to show some empathy if you would (but please please PLEASE don’t break it) – I would choose the different ward. Or maybe they’ll keep me here and force me to undergo treatment with drugs here. That would be a powerless hell, but then I could continue to point out things that desperately need to be altered, in the (Dutch) psychiatric system.
I’d rather do that, than go back to my parents’ house. I consider this form of raising awareness the most useful – hopefully media victims are considering to publish their news through me. And I’d rather write than have to resort to some job serving drinks full-time, continuously being disturbed by the fact that I have a business here, ready for expansion.

If my B admits to being the voice in the Head Cuddle… 🙁 The case would be closed just like that. It’s who we are, naturally, and we have this ability for a purpose. I still experience the sound, but it’s as if we have nothing to talk about, if we can’t even spend time together. We’re supposed to be designing a new world together 🙁 .

My dear reader, please do something 🙁 . To help me, you could, for example, form an alliance with other supporters of mine you know. I beg you to distance yourself from those who are not on my side, if you’re on my side, because our opponents are incredibly hurtful and I do not want you to get hurt! 🙁

If you’re a sweet and influential Graeyniss reading this: you know where I am at all times. You can see what I see and hear what I hear. I hope you’ll use these tools to make me even happier, by freeing me and allowing me to spend more time with you in person. It’s what we both want…

No one wants me to stay in a ward like this for three months or longer, again (I assume…). To earn – so that I can afford to live elsewhere, without moving back in with my parents – I should get access to a computer (and buy a better one…). I wish I could just be Vicje’s sidekick, though… (Because, yes, my mind does need special attention on the work floor, because I think I’m already ready to handle a director’s workload…) Meoow I wonder if he’s still in the country… I would be so happy to spend much more time with him. Even if it’s only to look at him: he’s such a Catje! 😻

I’m going to go to sleep again. With panties only, because it’s sooo hott in here…

Good night ♥

xxx