Currently, my life is almost exactly the way I portrayed my ideal setting. Only one crucial aspect is missing, which is why this feels like an empty Volta.

My love,


Yesterday, I got my WiFi installed.

proximus scarlet wifi empty vo;ta

The Fangs is connected now yay ๐Ÿ™‚

For this, I had set my alarm at 11:00 because I was told the technician (techniker in Flemish (and German)) would be there between 12:30 and 17:30. At 11:20 (yeah I take 15 – 30 minutes to get my slightly depressed self out of bed when there is a reason to (otherwise it’s 1 – 3 hours)) I got a call from the technician, asking me if I was home. I said “Yes, I am,” and asked him how long he was going to take to get here. He said 30 minutes.

So I dashed out of bed, into the shower. After that, and getting dressed and stuff, quickly opened the curtains, sprayed some perfume into the curtains and opened the windows a little because my place has been called “muffig” ๐Ÿ™ , jugged some cruesli with milk and started to do the cutting for the omelette I was about to make. I don’t get visitors often.

The technician arrived. After letting him in, I asked him if he would like something to drink. He asked for coffee, and changed this request to water when I warned him that it’s oploscappuccino (later I noticed that I have oploskoffie as well but that’s still oplos. Hmm very good with chocolate milk though. I have the coffee in case of guests).

“U slaapt graag uit?” “Ja, klopt. Daarom vroeg ik u hoe lang u erover zou doen om hier te komen.”

To get access to the main line I tried to call facility management, but for some reason I was told the number was not in use (maybe because I did +32 3 and not +32 03). “Hij heeft er niet zo’n zin in hรจ?” “Nee.” I suggested we swung by their office in the building next door and left my phone at home, locking the door and taking my keys, on my bath slippers. “Is dat niet te koud voor uw voetjes?” “Haha nee hoor, dat zit wel goed.”

A note with a phone number was on the bell. The facility manager was away for lunch. I should have taken my phone along, but the technician called the number and the facility manager arrived with his dienblad with lunch a few minutes later. After he put that in his office, I followed them to the garage, where the gateway to the internet is for my apartment. Meanwhile the technician and I were discussing our backgrounds. I figured I could stick around and learn something about internet connections. “Zal ik hier blijven, of…?” “Ja, u kunt mij gezelschap houden. Boven heeft u toch vast niets te doen.” “Nee… Klopt…” (Why do I always do that? I had so much shit to do. x_x)

There was some vague stuff going on where a device is moved across a plastic block with a lot of wires, and makes a beeping sound when my apartment receives that signal, sent from the head office of my internet provider (Proximus via Scarlet). But the phone sound making device (I remember when internet went directly via phone lines and using the internet and making a phone call at the same time was not possible… Cute times) could not connect to it. So the technician offered to take a look at the straatkast (another box with wires and plastic blocks for internet connection, but then outside) to see if it was possible there. It wasn’t. (And someone wanted to take his laptop which he had put on top of the metal box while he was busy with the plastic blocks and I told that person that its rightful owner is right here, after which the person left.) So back to the garage, while, slightly frustrated, he called the head office for new/more detailed instructions.

After a while it turned out that the switch on the phone sound should have been moved one position further to the right. We went back to my apartment but he said that I shouldn’t lock the door to the internet gateways because maybe it needed to be corrected. And that I should call facility management in case the connection works. Though I didn’t like the idea of not taking simple responsibility for closing the door while we were there, I left it open.

We walked back to my apartment, when the technician asked me what I study and how long the program takes. When I said “Three years,” he said that if I’m here that long I should build a large vriendenkring. “Haha, inderdaad.” That’s when I, in silence, realized that this is an empty Volta. Still a Volta. but an empty one. The social component is missing. I’ve become far more selective when it comes to making friends. Plus where to meet potential new friends? I guess basketball is, for now, my last hope.

Inside, I pre-heated the oven and started to fry my egg with thyme, baharat, chorizo, kale and tomatoes. (Plus stepped onto a ladder to get the Kaiserbrรถtchen, from the back of the cupboard, I was about to put into the oven.) Not much later I got my WiFi password.

Then the technician mentioned that he had forgotten his other phone in the internet gateway room in the garage. The hospitality version of myself told me: “You should go with him,” but the self-preservative side of myself told me: “I already wasn’t supposed to be in that internet room and standing outside in the rain for this (long). Plus we can’t really level. And now that the internet is installed the service is over and I do not want a repetition of what happened in that sauna in Berlin, so…” “Ah, wat vervelend. Gelukkig hebben we de deur open gelaten. Bedankt voor de installatie. Nog een fijne dag. Daaaag. ๐Ÿ™‚ “ *locks door*


My lunch tasted better than it looks. ๐Ÿ™‚

After lunch, I read part 1 of my law book and used a marker on the passages I wish to memorize.

I mentioned twister fries yesterday. I used to think they were a signature Burger King thing, but the BK in the US doesn’t have them. Late at night I checked BK Belgium’s menu online and they didn’t have it there either. Which is no problem though because I live in Belgium now and I hadn’t even eaten fries here yet. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Belgian fries.

So I went to the snackbar (frituur in Flemish). A snackbar that has food for vegetarians and vegans as well, Frituur Mรฉmรฉ Frit, I downloaded the Payconiq app for it, because online I saw that they don’t accept bank cards, but in the store the app didn’t recognize the QR code I had to pay for my fries and kaaskroket with, so I walked to an ATM, passing a lot more snackbars that probably did accept cards. I was devoted to getting my fries from there. Plus I was in the mood for a walk. I’d rather even run. Or play basketball…

They gave me directions to an ATM, but I wasn’t sure if I understood them correctly, so I let Google Maps guide me to the closest ATM. One that was in a closed office. So I walked to Centraal because I remember I always see an ATM when I walk to the train.

Fries crisp, just the way I like them ๐Ÿ™‚

And cute guy behind counter meow why wouldn’t I go back. ๐Ÿ™‚ (And yes guess what: I just got out of bed and put some clothes on. Aka I was in zwerrie mode.)

Dinner was tasty ๐Ÿ™‚

Late, but tasty. The kaaskroket was calculated in because I don’t have that many snacks in my house (because I have very selective taste) so I could fry my rib-eye while eating. Too bad I ate this by myself. Empty Volta all up in my dinner thoughts.

Empty Volta

I have the peaceful apartment in which I can pursue my lifestyle without keeping my thoughts occupied with doing what (I think) others want (to see) from me. I have 1001 more tactics to succeed in my mission. That’s my core Volta. But I have no one to do this with. Which is quite depressing. It feels like I’ve accomplished a Volta with no one to celebrate it with. An empty Volta. Spending a lot of time alone is, however, still better than spending a lot of time with people who don’t have the same ambition as I. Our minds are – not only literally – in completely different places.

Plus I’m happy that people still want to come to my birthday. I think that type of relationship, where we don’t have to spend a lot of time together but when we’re together it’s like pressing resume, is really chill. In that way it might be a Volta, but still I have plenty of psychiatry torture flashbacks and other things haunting me, not knowing where to place that and all that I have said on here, in the context of friendship.

But as long as people don’t ask me how my social life in Belgium is, this all feels amazing. I don’t miss hanging on a friend’s couch or a friend hanging on my couch. It might be better to have a lot of time pass because then there’s plenty to do and talk about.

Meoww I should go to bed.

Today, I will (in random order):

  • Study economics from chapter 2.1 to chapter 2.4 and make an oversight.
  • Watch the German lecture I did not attend, and if it’s not online I’ll study informatiesystemen until chapter 1.2 and watch the lecture tomorrow. Either way also watch an episode of Weissensee or a different German show.
  • Make the overview diagram for a new D.O.C.I.S. International website.
  • Have a peanut butter sandwich.
  • Eat fried noodles with left over rib eye and spinach.
  • Eat kale with pastinaak, aardappelpuree and fish sticks.
  • Clean the shower and mop the floor.

Het is trouwens misschien too soon, en dit staat los van hoe ik over de situatie denk, maar dit is best grappig aahahaha. Uit mijn familiegroepschat.

And write more about this empty Volta if I get ideas of other things I should/could/want to mention about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ciaooo for nowww โ™ฅ


01:40 (AM) [GMT +2]


There are a couple of moments that replay itself in my mind. This morning, again, I woke up to the memory of a very wrong first impression I made.

“If you could travel back in time, where would you go?”

“Student event 2018… ๐Ÿ™

It would have made such a big difference if I had said what I thought instead of saying what I thought was right.

What I wanted to say, or rather ask, is: “Oh no, is this recent? You are the last person I would expect to be single. You are so sweet and handsome and clearly one of a kind. It is so emotional to hear that you have a broken heart. That may also be the cause of, I see, stress in your neck and shoulder region. Do you like wellness?”

Instead of consciously changing the subject, because I didn’t want to make bad memories come up for him, I should have said what I thought, which I just showed you. But I changed it to a really stupid subject and normally I don’t even talk about myself and my ideas that much ๐Ÿ™ . I always get so nervous that I start doing crazy things when I meet someone I find attractive, but don’t dare to express this The memory keeps haunting me. I woke up to this morning.

I think that if I had said the above, he would not have become someone I would like to contact but cannot/may not contact. Then again maybe then I would now work in paid employment. ๐Ÿ™ ”

And even in this better response I go off topic, because it still doesn’t emphasize his strength.

It’s a toxic memory, because every time it crosses my mind (multiple times a day for more than a year now) my heart hurts and my blood pressure rises.

I chose to, in that moment, suggest that being alone is better than being with people with whom one cannot share his/her perception because they are not capable of understanding the complexity of his/her reality. Which is a brick of a response.

Especially because I used the term “eeuwige student” before that, when eavesdropping into the conversation. I mentioned the term because I just wanted to show that I know Dutch terms from before my time, by means of showing that I can understand his reality regardless of my age. But it came off as an insult. ๐Ÿ™

And then I kept talking about my stupid book series and did this awful eyebrow thing when I mentioned that my final exams were in a hotel in Wassenaar. They really were legitimate exams though.

I wanted to make an unforgettable impression. And I did. But an unforgettably wrong one. The empathy I showed my annoying clients I didn’t show him. Because the empathy I would show him would indirectly make very clear that I am in love with him, and I was too afraid to do that.

It has fuelled my empty Volta. And my attempts to correct for it have made it worse. This memory is one of the dozens of memories my bruised mind keeps reminding me of on a daily basis. I wish it would stop but only new bruises are added. My declined proposal and yesterday’s suggesting technician have been added to my replays. Great. ๐Ÿ™

I got such a sweet and considerate response to this question I thought no one would elaborate on.

The memory got me curled up in bed. I told myself I would never cry over love. And I hadn’t ever, not even when I broke up with my ex. Until today, when, after typing out my answer, I felt like I will forever be stuck with these unanswered feelings of love. And a very bad impression.

I have moved to another country in an attempt to leave things like this behind. But especially now that I’m so alone here, nothing can distract me from these things I wish to forget.

Nothing except this study book with a name on it that makes me want to cry as well. What an ass. ๐Ÿ™

I’ll be back. Probably tomorrow.

Ah and I could thus express this which I am experiencing in a message to Victishe. But he’ll probably ignore it like the rest of my attempts to correct myself, plus the risk of another barking bitch in my ear… Can one be expelled from university? I think my university mail address has not been blocked yet. Regardless of the consequences and the fact it could make things far worse, I need to get this off my chest. And I should get out of bed. Need to buy potatoes…


15:17 (03:17 PM) [GMT +2]