Okay I’m drnk. As tck t cpbt. Cate agount autovorrwcth
I patu qltuct to much strength j car wtjpbtbbbj
Red bj. En hhhcjcjrbt e reoejentiu
Thrve whh i cihen sar i
I shouldn’t cate
13:42 (01:42 PM)
Good afternoon ♥
I hope you still love me 😀
The party was a lot of fun. I found my friend the best DJ of the night 🙂 .
I see the looser version of myself poetically worried about the clarity of my writing…
I’m going to try to get myself out of bed…
Here’s a picture I took before going to sleep:
15:52 (03:52 PM)
I had such a great time dancing and meeting my friend’s girlfriend last night :D. If it wouldn’t cost me brain cells and money, I would go out every night haha.
From stalking my B, I know today is the last lecture of the second block. I felt like crying, back in 2016, when I was following the course and “it would have been the last time seeing him”. I love the way he gives lectures. From his energy to the parallels he draws between the course material and today’s society. [I quit studying a few days before the final exam. I was too inspired in my self-study and didn’t keep up with the homework during the block… The subject and he inspired me to seek more information about other subjects. It was too much material to study at once and pass [bad Fangs 🙁 ] and I would then have too many resits I would all have to pass to be allowed to stay in the program. It stressed me out. Quitting was the easiest way to rid myself from the constant stress. The stress made me lose focus when I tried to study, so I decided to solely focus on my sole proprietorship. After I quit, B and I mailed back and forth and met up to talk twice.] If I were to dash out of the house and into the train right now, I might be able to catch him….. Should I try it…? I miss chilling with him. But my proposal isn’t finished :(. I could pitch it, maybe… Maybe he already has plans for after it, though 🙁 . It would be so awkward travelling for more than an hour and not seeing him.
I want to get closer to achieving my goals every day, so every day I need to do something useful in that context…
17:09 (05:09 PM)
I don’t know if I should regret not trying, because I haven’t tried it. That goes for a lot of things. Currently, it’s not for randomly showing up at that lecture of the course I’m not even following (anymore 🙁 ). I have no idea what I should say, really… I hope “my parents” didn’t destroy his reputation the way they destroyed mine, with their public fucking false claims 🙁 . I haven’t been able to reach him ever since. Why? :'(
What’s the point of doing all of this, if he never comes back to me? 🙁 The life I want to offer all of you is much better than this one. But I need the assistance of some Graeynissis to be able to shape it.
Ah, meow. This headache is killing me x_x…
22:56 (10:56 PM)
I’ll touch on the step of today, the holidays [ :'( ] and my feelings.
So even though, after I got kicked out a few weeks ago, I’m trying to distance myself from “my parents” for the rest of my existence, my mother keeps texting me. She sends all of this I love you shit, so I would feel like a jerk if I were to not respond. She mentioned that “my father” was going to visit a friend in Amsterdam and that he could bring my new bank cards [since my bag got stolen when I was in Germany, somewhere last week or something] and other things I need.
I did not want to see or touch him, but “I had no choice”, because I need my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. I now have my bank cards, my glasses and my wig. When he came by, everyone stood up to greet him. I could barely look at him. My body refused to stand up for him. But when he approached me to say hi, I gave him three kisses.
We were acting all casual, but on the inside, I was so angry and ready to continue that fight of the day he told me that I can fuck off. He had the nerve to ask: “Ga je die grasmat nou weer in je haar doen?” And I just said yes. He’s fucking dead to me.
When he left, I didn’t want to touch him again – but I don’t want to make a scene in someone else’s house – so I gave him one kiss. And then he said: “Three.” Words can’t explain how fucking pissed I was, but I did it.
I immediately started to untie my twists, when he gave me the big bag with clothing, my glasses, my wig and two out of three bank cards. I feel less attractive with twists, compared to when I wear my wig, I’ve noticed.
By means of justifying my productivity: I function even better when I feel better about myself, so today was a good day, because I changed my hairstyle.
My wig is now hanging in the shower to dry, because I washed it.
What are your plans for the holidays?
I don’t really have any. That there are holidays doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to see “my parents” ever again (actually). So for Christmas, currently, I’ll follow the family I’m staying with. For New Year’s, it will probably be crying in my bed all day. On the positive side, this bed has a way better mattress than “my” bed in “my parents” house.
If I’m very honest, I’m so sick and tired of the continuous routine in this life. On Planet Fang – the corporate island I hope to fund – we’ll party differently. It will not be the same shit every year – I don’t understand how people still enjoy it after a zillion times.
In D.O.C.I.S., I mention that I wanted to organize a benefit for the Saturnalia, but since no one is participating yet, and I need a team to be able to hold it, I, very unfortunately, won’t be able to do that.
My head hurts so much, oh my god x_x. I wish I had a Christmas B 🙁 . And other Graeynissis 🙁 . And a house in California…