They are so intense I can barely keep control of my body. These fast track cravings.

My love,

I remember exactly why I dropped out now. That feeling causing it is back. Stronger than before. But now I know how to channel it.

It is a feeling I had the first time when I was 4 years old. Many people with high intelligence experience this: expecting to be educationally challenged, and then the class turns out to be 95% things you already knew. I understand that things should, at the beginning, be explained from scratch. In that way, it is certain that everyone has seen all material required for the final exam. (Though that’s what I missed at Mathematics.)

But it’s like torture to me… The feeling it causes really feels like I think what wearing a strait jacket while raging feels like.

I had my first lecture this morning, as an Economics student. Business Informatics, started at 08:30 AM.

I went for “the nonchalant”

It’s a lottt busier than the classes in the Mathematics curriculum. Kinda missed this in a way.

Apparently and luckily – because that means I have nothing to catch up for this subject – it was the first class of this subject for this year. An elaborate introduction of something one has advanced knowledge in, is torture to someone with high intelligence. Sometimes I completely lost focus on the professor’s speech, because my inner voice was raging from frustration, about things like: “Ah, okay, we are explained the entire course overview though that must be on paper somewhere… Did he really just explain what an information system is? I thought that that was common knowledge. 🙁 ”

Yes. 🙁 But ~suits~ so it’s all good.

And: “CHAPTER TWO. TWO. NOT CHAPTER MINUS ONE. AN INTRODUCTION OF SQL IN CHAPTER TWO. I HAVE WRITTEN QUERIES FOR THE D.O.C.I.S. PERSONAL ACCOUNTING DATABASE I HAVE BUILT FROM SCRATCH. AND I WILL BE TAUGHT WHAT A “database” AND A “record” ARE IN CHAPTER TWO AAAAAAAH.” (This is why I dropped out. This is why I chose Mathematics. But Mathematics did not choose me.)

There are plenty of things I would like to share with you, but the clock is ticking and this frustrating strait jacket feeling is hitting me like it did in 2016. Though now I think I can handle it better. The people I studied with in 2016 must have thought “Why is she so aggressive?” Haha the lack of challenge is depressing. But I think I hid my strait jacket feeling better this time. During the break, I shared my cookies [I bought a box of butter galettes at the Lidl and fill little sachets with them to eat during little breaks] with the person who was sitting to my right, who asked me if I was able to connect to the internet. I gave him breakfast. 🙂

I’ve been taking notes.

Excuse me my dear, I have to run. I’m not going to let this nearly kill me again. My next class starts at 4, I’m a changed student now and I’m going to go to the cursusdienst (like university study shop with books and stuff) and buy all books for this year and then mash all of its content up in some essay, book, paper or whatever because this really is torture to me. And it’s tricky because the information explained at the very last lectures of a course are always completely new to me as well – for Informatiesystemen it will be about modern things like Blockchain and stuff I know averagely less about (as in I’m not buying it and following news about it and stuff, or know how it was funded etc.) – which was my pitfall in 2016.

Before the week ends, I will have a proposal for a way to challenge myself with the course material of this year of study and not feel like committing suicide from now non-challenging it is. I need to buy these books and get to that, though simultaneously I want to sleep because I haven’t slept last night, the kitchen is a mess and I need to make dinner for myself but I want to sleep. Plus become a professor before the year ends or something. If this is the pace. 🙁 (Please do not let it be about time but be about skill. 🙁 )

Then I could hand those proposals to my professors and see if they want to join me in this. If I could get them to read it in the first place. I’ve been scaring off Graeynissis like crazy lately. 🙁

xxx

14:13 (02:13 PM) [GMT -2]

Kievitwijk