12:19 (PM) 

Heys ♥

Feverish Catje

I’ll keep it short today, because the more I stare into this screen, the more my head hurts. But I still want to let you know what’s happening – hoping that you’ll protect me 🙁 – before this feverish Catje goes back to sleep.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, last night, a sensation that felt as if someone just punched me in the eye, woke me up. I was in defense mode right away, but the room was empty, I saw in my spinning and blurry sight. My head hurt like crazy and I felt little stingy pains all over my body. I let myself fall into bed again, because I could barely keep my defense position. My heart rate felt low and I was gasping for air.

I took a sip of water out of the cup next to this bed and felt that I had to use the bathroom immediately after. It took a few minutes before I could stand up. Holding onto things, I made my way. The cold of the floor made my body shiver like crazy, but at least it kept me awake, because I felt like I could collapse at any second.

Back in bed, a mosquito kept me awake. I hid underneath the sheets, by means of avoiding bites, now that I felt too weak to kill it.  I only lifted a part of the sheets right in front of my mouth, for some fresh air. Somehow she underneath-the-sheets heat felt nice with my fluctuating body temperature. “I really need a boyfriend for this,” I thought to myself, needing forehead kisses and the assassination of that annoying mosquito.

At some points palpitations made it hard for me to breathe. I kept changing my position to have more space to breathe, but kept hiding from that mosquito. I couldn’t sleep anymore. My thoughts were all over the place. I started to worry about the state of my heart again, about the cause of this fever and about my safety in general.

My dysfunctional heart is still unacknowledged in this country. I wouldn’t dare to notify anyone when I’m about to collapse, because my phycisian sees everything I feel as schizophrenia and heart rate increasing antipsychotics will make me collapse even faster. I need to visit my doctor in Germany very soon, but I don’t have money for that. 🙁 I fear that my palpitations, gasping and chest pains are getting worse every day.

I wish there was someone who doesn’t mind going the extra mile to protect me. Not only because of the state of my health. I’ve been making a privacy & safety statement, sharing my location in real-time every time. But now I’ve had enough of it. Especially because my opinion about society becomes clearer and clearer every time, I really want to feel safe now. My heart would appreciate that. But it’s not easy to get. 🙁

I’ll somehow go home later today, though every movement hurts my head and all I can do is lay, currently, because I feel very weak. I hope I can trade cooking days because I can’t cook for my family currently. Also I hope for Graeyniss forehead kisses and vegetable soup…

This cute Catje is photographed by Tranmautritam


17:58 (05:58 PM)

My mother is going to make me some soup yayss. 🙂 This reminds me of my past. I was often sick as a child. E.g. continuous vomiting from the migraines I used to have from age 6. When I was sick and my father(?) was often out clubbing, she let me lay in her bed next to her and refreshed my vomit bucket and gave me forehead kisses.

Suffering from a similar weakness makes me think that I shouldn’t be alone ever. What if I get ill / pass out when I’m in Antwerp? I wish I had a companion, my meoww. But it’s like that type of gentleman doesn’t exist or something. Mostly, I come across the “All women can do is cook, go shopping and suck dick,” type of boy I wish to assassinate.

My mother just told me some very good news I desperately needed to hear. A couple of months ago I helped my grandmother make a claim for a refund of this stock savings account she had years ago. Now she’s had news that she’ll get a refund of 85%. 😀 I heard that I’ll get a good share of it. Big yaysss! 😀 I might not have to worry about paying for school and I might even be able to start building up some savings and stuff yahaayy. 😀 Though my head still hurts, my heart now feels uplifted. 🙂 I hope I could also buy some new glasses and have enough for the down payment of my future rent.

Meoww before I go back to bed pet mode – now at home, my mother picked me up at my aunt’s 🙂 – I’ll have to cancel tomorrow’s appointment with my psychotherapist(‘s assistant), because I can’t drive to Amsterdam with the feeling of being able to pass out at any second still though… Ciao xxx.

(I might be awake at night again, for I’m sleeping through the day a lot now, so then it might be cattime again. On Twitter I share when my blog is updated. 🙂 )