03:47 (AM) 

Haha my e-mail was sent at 03:45 (AM). It has 5169 words and is 8 pages, if you would copy-paste the text to a word document, excluding the PDF attachment file (my curriculum vitae). They [info websites on how to approach high ranked people] always say that it’s important to keep it short. But I like to stand out in the way I express myself. Plus, I really had to make clear why I approached him for this and not the recruitment staff. Also, I think I made it a very fun read 🙂 . 

Haha but I totally forgot about off days during the holidays. I scared up from that automated “I’ll be back in January” message… My case is so urgent in a very uncommon way, proletarians will say “No,” without even trying to understand what is going on here [that is not what I mentioned in the email haha]. He’s my only hope… [That’s also not what I mentioned in the e-mail.] It’s not only the money for doctor’s visits and a home, it’s also because I’ll engage in holiday activities, while thinking: But I hate Christmas, no matter what… I’m far too depressed to celebrate and you should want to be jolly and want to be together – instead of fucking kicking me out man wtf – and whatever other sentimental reason there is for that festivity, every day. It’s the same shit with Valentine’s day. Why only one day for flowers, sex and saying loving things? It should be like that every day. Or it’s better to say: “You should feel like that every day.” I want to work during the holidays, because that pays so much better. 

Haha I love my e-mail. I hope he does, too. (HAHA INSIDE JOKE. Haha omgg my hearttt I wonder what his response will be… And if I’ll get one…) I hope he’ll feel the exception in this – and I know proletarians will say that I shouldn’t feel special enough to be able to become friends with the director [if you’re in between the behind the scenes top of a business and the proletarian floor, you’re “the” director, to me…], since “I am no one” in terms of sheepy business visuals and in terms of the proletarian ladder, too, in which he is in the ultimate position – as well. 

It’s a not that heavily business related mail*. I hope, ondanks dat automatische bericht, it will still end up on his iPad [haha it’s funny to imagine how he would sit somewhere using an iPad in his free time… I have no idea what the director life looks like…] and that he’ll answer my question even before his holiday ends…. Hopen mag altijd :D. 

Yaay

I’m going to sleep 

Good night ♥

xxx

15:00 (03:00 PM)

Sup ♥

I’m getting tired of struggling. I already went to sleep late asf, then I still had trouble falling asleep and when I finally fell asleep, I was woken up by a nightmare. It’s a nightmare when the lucidity makes me feel stress and/or pain consciously. 

I dreamt that I was at some “city sports” event [a marathon or something… Something that is a reason to close off the city center with fences and stuff everywhere.] and for some reason I carried three bags with me. Then someone managed to steal them by putting them all in one big sports bag. I asked someone (I was with?): “Waar is hij? Heb je hem gezien?”

That person answered: “Ja, hij is gewoon daar,” and pointed towards slightly further ahead in the crowd, in which we were suddenly all walking forward in.

I started to increase my walking speed, getting ready to sprint. When I had my eyes fixed on him, while he was semi-casually walking a few rows of people ahead of me, I pointed to him and said: “JIJ. GAAT DOOD,” and started to increase my pace. So did he. I didn’t run at full speed yet, because I wanted him to be caught off guard by it. 

At some point, I dashed towards him. Right before I was able to grab him, I woke up. It has been quite a while since I had a nightmare. Evidence that all of the thc from Germany is out of my system now.  I don’t intend to go back to smoking so habitually, ever again. 

Haha this day feels so strange. I thought that my days of bed petting were over and I would be able to earn some, so that I could get my health fixed. But I’m still petty… 

* In the sense that I’m basically only asking for a personal perspective and not for some intense conpany correspondence. I also – unlike many of those wild clients – didn’t say anything in the context of being mad. I’m not mad. But I am worried about if I’ll succeed in saving myself. Most people can’t help me in this. And yes, it feels extremely like “I actually can’t do this,” to ask him for help. But meow 🙁 . I can always try. Haha it’s all so personal, though… I have 0 idea of what to expect. Please be careful with my heart 🙁 . 

By means of being productive – and less smelly ehehee – I’m going to wash my fro and wig. 

Here’s a picture of me at the event from Wednesday :'( :

Did I earn €500 for someone…?

Mag ik het hebben? (The prize money.) Mag ik betere evenementen organiseren? Als we niet brainstormen, gaan we dansen… I said it first… Of karaoke doen ofzo… 

~~~

18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Hmm… What should I do now…? Make a beat, or change my business website again? 

My cousin sent me some music production software. I usually use Reason, but with the lite version – haha meoow that type of software is so expensive – I can’t really make beats that sound as multi-layered as I want them to sound, because the amount of instruments I can add is limited. But now not anymore, with the full version of Ableton 🙂 . 

I haven’t experienced my first time in the studio yet, still, though. [But here’s what I made with Reason Lite and my phone’s microphone, when I was in Surinam: Listen to I. Intro; Free Will by _LilFangs #np on #SoundCloud


https://soundcloud.com/xlilfangs/i-intro-free-will]
  I didn’t really clearly indicate it and it turned out that his class started an hour earlier, so we only chilled for like 45 minutes. It was nice to see him. To not miss out on the hangout, I didn’t go back to the house after picking up the package – a bag and a wallet – I let be shipped to the nearby bookstore – het afhaalpunt Bruna. I walked around with a big box and the fruit I bought, and then unpacked it when I arrived at his school. The bag is definitely not as cool as my previous one, but at least I have a bag now haha… 

I want to do both… I also want to move my muscles some, because being inside all day drives me crazyyyy. (But so does the cold…) 

By the way, I hadn’t shown you this yet:

I wonder if my Graeyniss told him to do this haha 😀

That person who last minute told me that I can’t work, said that I should try again when I have my passport, in January. But what if I’m dead by then…? I don’t want to stay inside doing nothing for so long… I’m also not going to apply for a job elsewhere, because this is the most challenging type of customer service… I can only do customer service, because proletarians can’t see my talent and only look if you have working experience and a diploma 🙁 . (And I detest the concept and work of customer service… I prefer to take care of everything myself, online, when I need assistance with some product. Those people on the phone are the worst.) But I don’t want to put so much effort in doing something I actually don’t want to do at all… I just want a new MRI, man, haha god dammittttt…. 

So at first, I thought of making the new website a very extensive description of my projects and stuff. But what’s the fucking point, if everyone ignores what I put out? I’m going to keep it very simple. 

HAHA by the way, I find this the ultimate “Christmas” song they should play in supermarkets and shit: https://open.spotify.com/track/56wkp0dkpjimGfX17Ofihm?si=iZE8FeOdTpKXx6az8x1QGg

I love the alliterations and other elements I recognize from translating Latin poetry! (The funny thing is that it’s not a joke!) 😂 ♥  

~~~

19:28 (07:28 PM) 

My hair loss is by the way intense. When I was younger, my hair was three times as full and long. Meoow why am I losing my cat hairss ah 🙁 . 

I am by the way very disappointed with the turnout for participants in Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’m going to close the entire process and solely hand-pick people by random encounters, because this is absurd. I have literally one person who had signed up – but only by completing half the process – and (to summarize it) the answer to the question: “Why would you qualify for the position of Illuminatus Intelligens?” is “Maybe I don’t *wink emoji*”… But then you actually really don’t qualify? 🙁 I am not taken seriously at all. This is a hopeless situation 🙁 . 

So, even though it was my intention to make it an equal and very easily accessible process, I’ll fully divert my focus from the recruitment. I’m also not going to continue to write that book series. For real, this time. The fuck are you letting me struggle me with my palpitations for. OOOOHH OF COURSE! Let me update my curriculum vitae first 🙂 . The fuuuuck noo it’s not my life goal TO WRITE MYSELF TO DEATH MAAHN omgg stupid un-cuddles 🙁 . That writing won’t take my entire life span, if I’d try to finish it. I could complete the series in a year if my time WOULDN’T BE WASTED BY BEING KICKED OUT and other shit 🙁 . And if I were to have enough savings to solely write. But why the fuuck would I put so much effort in sharing my passion with the public, if I’ve had only one sale and one recruitment application. 

My sole focus will be assembling Graeynissis for my Thesis. Capital “T”, because it will be legendary as fuck. Bitches. 

Ahh meoow if I could get them all into one house… We could start our start-up from there. It would be so much fun ♥ . Ah meoww I also want us to sleep in the same bed meoww. All together. These tall Graeynissis in one warm Cuddle… Omg it sounds like a dream 😻 .

~~~

So to summarize what I just said with different words: there will be no “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”. That was my sole populist attempt to get some appreciation from proletarians. But if this is the turn-out, I really don’t even want it, honestly. So fuck it 😀 .