13:19 (01:19 PM)
I’m so “x_x” I’m still in bed. I’m cuddling my pillows, pretending that they’re not pillows, but it’s not really working for me, since they’re not kissing me back. (Am I lonely? “Nahhhh.”)
I have so many things to do, but tonight my mother is coming here around 10 PM and she has invited her friend and her grandchild to come over tomorrow. (I don’t want any of them to come over, actually. I’m losing SO MUCH TIME, I’m not in the mood for more than 24 hours of smalltalk [after my trip to the US, I’m so less used to it, too] and I know they’re going to somehow talk about the “family problem” “I HAVE CAUSED” [I disagreeee!!!!!! But what’s the point of arguing for myself if everyone is on their side :[ ] which is SO UNCOMFORTABLE and unnecessary. I don’t know why it has to be brought up so many times. It can’t be “solved” anyway. I’m not going to let myself be yelled at or talked down on, so I’m not getting back in touch with anyone.
I’m losing so much time with this visit, I’m in bed because I feel so scared of missing my deadline. I don’t want to have to share someone else’s bed again… I want my own bed. In my own very private place, where I choose who visits me (that would be only you).
I wanted to cook for them. But my mother wants to eat out, so we’re going to eat out. First I tell her I can make a reservation here at the resort. Her reply was: “That’s fine, but isn’t there something else in the neighborhood?” So I send her some restaurants that are close by. She says: “That’s all very chic. I’d love to have a chic dinner with you, but it’s not very convenient right now, because “our friend” is bringing her grandchild.” Things like that can really trigger me. First of all, I don’t even want to eat out. Second of all, I’m not out to make you pay for something expensive. That’s nothing like me. (But mind you that “expensive” actually doesn’t even exist for her, if you look at how much money is coming in every month and how much is going out. Compared to “the maximum” of what I could ask. (I always pick the cheapest option, if they offer to give me something.) I also can’t help that there are only chic restaurants in the neighborhood. And I think that you should never take a child to any restaurant (unless it’s a “children’s restaurant”) anyway. That must be the most boring thing ever for him/her.
On Wednesday evening, I made her dinner and a dessert. I thought it would be nice to eat at the table and drink some wine. But she preferred to sit in front of the TV. The same as she wanted, the next day, when I made her breakfast. It’s funny how my parents ALWAAAAAAAYS get their way. When I was a kid, we never went to the “children’s activities” I wanted to go to. We always did what my father wanted to do. Often something related with planes, because he wanted to become an army pilot.
I keep feeling uncomfortable with venting to you in these posts, because I don’t want to bore you with this “drama” (I really don’t like drama). I don’t want to lose you as my reader…
Okay, so I need to have breakfast, still…
19:58 (07:58 PM)
Here I am, waiting voor mijn “patatje mayo met een kaassouflé”, in the restaurant of the resort I’m staying at. This while last week, I was still living low-key, in Miami. The stroller in the back gives you an impression of the type of guests this resort has. I love it here. It’s so calm and the people here are so open and friendly. Yesterday, the bus driver dropped me off at the resort. My battery died when I was at the bus stop. Right before it died, I made a little road map in my notebook. But it was getting dark and it was a quite long walk, so I’m so glad he did! Also, as a black person who has been stigmatized incredibly often, I felt so good and trusted about that he gave me the box with ticket money to hold.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull this off in one night, starting after dinner, but I did it:
*image* [my phone keeps giving this error message when I try to upload it]
I only have to link it to my website. Or the Docis International website… Hmmm…. I’ll sleep on that.
Good night, my Cuddle
I love you 😀
(I’m doing this for some cuddles of you. Boii if I would see you wear a shirt that says “Meow…”… Meow…)