17:11 

Hiii meowww♥

I feel so un-cuddle that I’m still in bed. There’s nothing to cook with, in the house, that I haven’t made yesterday already. (Yesterday I made fried noodles with a fried egg with potatoes in it and ate that for breakfast and lunch. It has been takeout all the wayyy.) 

But I’m thinking of making my own version of potato soup. There are no fresh vegetables in the house, or meat I could put in it. I don’t want to go outside – to people staring x_x – and make my almost maxed out debit accounts even more maxed out. I’ve only had one of the granola bars I took with me, from Germany. 

Meoww I feel a bit un-cuddle, because I’m thinking, even when I finish my business plan on paper – while the concept already has been thought through a long time ago, by me, so the writing is solely for the investor – who should I approach with my plan. I don’t trust the masses with it, because they might abuse my ideas to make a lot of profit. If my plans are used for the wrong purposes, they are harmful, so competition – that is currently non-existant – must be crushed for sure, and not fed with more ideas. I don’t want to post my plan here anymore. I don’t even know if I should type it on my laptop, because it has so much potential success. 

I want to ask my B for advice. And if he and his fellow Graeynissis are interested in participating and/or investing. He must be in the country now, since this was, in 2016, the block in which I was lectured in my favorite subject of the course I had that far, by one of my favorite professors & #x1F63B;😻. But I can barely reach him :[. It’s also very trippy that my intuition had suddenly pointed out that I look more like him than any of “my parents”… 

I would love it if it were true. I’m not going to fight against my physical attraction to him, since I got to know him as not my relative. It would be so much fun to catch up on things, such as getting bed time lectures and being held while being given expensive wine from a baby bottle.

It either be comfirmed or denied right now, because my heart and head would explode if people were to carry this secret to their graves. I wouldn’t be mad at the man whose house I live in. It would be interesting getting to know that part of his story. But I would be struggling to keep my calm towards my mother, because why on earth has she, prohibited me from seeing him and labeled him as a bad man? And why keep it a secret, especially when she knows how much he means to me. I hate it when people think I can’t handle the truth. I’ve been through so much shit without even giving them a slight hint of it, so bring it the fuck on, since I’m bored as hell, too, anyway.

I’ve wondered why he has been stuck on my mind since I met him for the very first time, while I haven’t seen him that often, but this unspoken relation to him could be an intuitive explanation of it.

Also, since – “snitch alert” – he doesn’t like his job as a professor that much – I haven’t had a chance to ask him a ton of questions about his other function yet – I think he should resign and join the top of D.O.C.I.S. International with me & #x1F64A;🙊. Doing the same thing every year sucks and my startup is a fun challenge for which all of the capacities you like to use are needed. It’s the cure against boredom that helps for the rest of your life. 

Meoww I want the type of father I could never argue with. I’ll be your right hand and travel with you to every business occasion. What would be even cooler is if we were to do the opposite, so him travelling along with me. I might get jealous when you give other people attention. I’ll be very touchy and cuddly, mostly because I’ve been hurt so often that I’m scared of people (plebs), and I don’t think he would hurt this little Cuddle. (Especially not after having carried around this secret over two decades.) I wanted to say “his own flesh and blood” for an argument to not hurt, but my mother has hurt me so often omg, so that isn’t an argument for not hurting someone, I guess. 

What made me laugh yesterday is the thought of how today’s Surinamese culture and authentic Italian culture absolutely not go hand-in-hand. The “traditional” meals that consist of solely adding sauces to factory food and other “traditions” like the “kaboela bus”. Ahahahahahahahahaha nooo, they must think: “Wtf is this?” 

I’ve never met someone who’s half Surinamese and half Italian(?). “How would that person’s parents meet?” *Fingers crossed* please be an undercover prince…. Ahahaha meowww I want to be this mix so badd. 

My mother just came home and she’s going to buy some groceries to make a quick pasta. I asked her to buy some ingredients for the soup as well. Then I can finally make myself the breakfast I want [it’s 18:22 haha I feel like shitt papa cuddle meee]. The way I feel makes me a bit worried about my health. I still haven’t let my morning urine be sent to a lab, like my doctor from Germany has told me, and I currently can’t afford to pay him a visit. The Dutch health system will definitely kill me if they find out that I have cancer – since they already find that I’m a schizophrenic and they are taught “the less, the cheaper, the better” – so that is not an option.

Meoww I want my own house, because, to be very honest – it hurts me to say this – I need proper nutrition and I’m literally sick and tired of eating takeout and “quick”. I want passion foods that take 6 hours to prepare…

This bed cat hasn’t showered yet. I think I’ll skip that for today (something I rarely do). I want to go jogging later, because I’ll definitely not be able to sleep after literally laying in bed all day. Also I’ve smoked all of my German hash, so I might be in the very intense mood for some Dutch government weed… (Since that’s the only dealer I know, here…) 

If my gut is right about the secret, I wonder how many people know. Also, I have so many questions about my youth, like this one:

What is the shit medication those doctors have to me that made my teeth turn brown until I got my adult dentures?

We do look Cuddle, but do we look alike?

I by the way, find it very cool that my websites are now more popular in Germany than they are in the Netherlands. And that in the US, China and Sweden people are keeping a digital eye on me as well. I would love to meet youu! 

How do I explain that what I do is for those older people who say that they’re older and that young people are cool, while I’m very convinced that old people are cool and that they should keep the primate until the very end and never give primate to anyone of my generation please because we’ll all die? Meoww I need these Graeys but I think Graeys might not be Graey with me, because we’re both hard to reach? I, by the way, didn’t know my content will go that bad with our current generation, until I started to do some online marketing and people started to give their painful opinions about it.

I want the type of vendetta father who gets people who hurt me capped lol ahagahagahahaha. But I’m not allowed to say that “out loud” & #x1F64A;🙊. [While I just did. If someone wants to prosecute me for saying that in my diary, that person is free to do that and lose.]

By the way, me sharing every single aspect of my life/thoughts and making the privacy policy personal [the “I” perspective] and everything, are very conscious moves that will be an advantage in the future, even though it might now not look like that.

Meoww I’ve stalked my B so much that I think that if I ever were to see him again in person, the initiative to meet should come from his side. I’m tired of not getting a response and I love a very pleasant surprise. Meoww my Mind’s Eye “crashes” when I try to picture the future and he’s not part of mine, so I have to see him again at some point. Hopefully it will be very fast, because my heart might give out when I reflect on this year on New Year’s and I haven’t accomplished anything and he’s still not a part of my life. I said “no” to new year’s resolutions last year, but still hoped that he was going to become a part of my life. I hope I won’t wish the same thing again and then go for a year without him again…