13:50

Meow… 

I just managed to get myself out of bed. 

How’s your day?  

I hope it’s great as far as life can be great in this fucking sheepy and unnecessarily violent world. 

My hands are shaking out of hunger, but there’s no food I’m in the mood for. 

Did you know I’m anti supermarket? It drains all of the quality out of food. 

What to make, of which I haven’t made a variation yet? 90% of things are past due. In my household, I would do grocery shopping based on what I’ll eat and not throw shit in the cart like it’s a basketball game. 

I’m just going to fry an egg with some vegetables. And plantain? 

Be right backk. I want to continue to elaborate on what exactly pisses me off and thus should change about today’s global culture. And I want to vent some things about the heartache I’ve lived with all my life and how this could have been caused by growing up without my father. We can’t take back the time we’ve missed together, but if this is true, we damn sure need to live together, because I don’t want this heartache to persist. It would be crazy to find out. I don’t remember what my mother has told me when I was little. I solely remember the scene, because I get short vivid flashbacks from my youth every now and then. (Especially when I’m high…) It would be beyond crazy (but comfortingly cool) to realize that our paths have crossed again, by coincidence. But then my heart aches from the thought of him seeing me and me talking to him, while I didn’t know that he’s my father. I just saw him as the mysterious man who made such a good impression on me that I fell in love with him and the way our personalities are the same, until that flashback from a conversation with my mother, when she came for a night time conversation, before going to bed, when I was about 4 years old. My sister wasn’t there yet. I remember her bringing me children’s books about sexuality and conversations about my identity. That was what I saw in that flashback of the high of a few days ago. That made me think of that the deeper connection between us could just be our DNA? Then it’s also possible to have a Head Cuddle (natural¿) device for sure. He was 25 when I was 0 and my mother was 34? “My father” (mister Elia) was about 27. 

Do I have to wait until I’m 25 to see him again? I fucking hope not because my heartache makes me pissed, because it’s solvable but I depend on others in this. And I’m hungry. 

My heart also aches from the thought of me sitting across him, and him then playing along in my conversation, without mentioning that I’m his daughter, and I didn’t know… If I knew, I would live with my father by now and this traumatizing life would have been a very distant memory. 

I don’t know how to feel about my mother. The way she “softens herself”, mentioning everything she can’t do al all other things related to failure in detail, makes me feel so sorry for her. At the same time, her words can easily split my heart in two, but when I want to express the anger it causes, I naturally hold back, because I know that I could completely destroy her with my words. But she really needs to start letting me go, because this house brings back sooo many memories I do NOT want to cross my mind. I’VE LIVED HERE SINCE I WAS 8. EXACTLY THIS FAMILY SETTING. IF I KNEW HE WAS MY FATHER THEN, and I would have had the knowledge of life and snakes I have today, I WOULD [if I’ve ever been given the option to live with my father already, they’ll definitely have used peer pressure on me, saying shit like: “You’re used to living with us, now. Are you sure you want to move in with a strange man? We love you so much blah blah. HEY IF YOU’VE ASKED ME THIS, PLEEEASEEE ASK AGAIN!!!] HAVE MOVED IN WITH HIM FOR SUREE. ADOPT MEEE. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAMEE. My meow :'(.

It seems quite like me to hit on him when I was a kid… I was much more sexually confident and curious back then. (Now it’s “zzzzzz” towards most people.) These days I don’t even hit on people anymore. Most of them just convince themselves that I’m attracted to them and then things could lead to sex without me having that intention. I’m waiting for this super grey (not literally) and very intelligent model-like Cuddle from a good family. 

I’ll leave you with this quote I saw in the status of someone. I didn’t say anything to that person, of course, because why would I start a conversation about how seeing that quote made me want to fight someone. If someone would cite this to me, that person would get bitch slapped for sure:

“If you feel like you’re losing everything, remember that trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and wait for better days to come.”

MATTIE. YOU CANNOT. USE THE DESCRIPTION OF THE CYCLE OF A TREE. TO SAY THAT SOMEONE SHOULDN’T FEEL FUCKED UP. DON’T COMPARE SOMEONE WHO FEELS LIKE SHIT TO A TREE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN BY PEOPLE ACTING LIKE THEY’RE GHANDI, WITH THEIR QUOTES, BUT STILL THAT PERSON WHO WOULD FEEL LIKE HE/SHE’S LOSING EVERYTHING WOULD KILL HIM OR HERSELF THE NEXT DAY, BECAUSE THIS SHALLOW SHIT IS SO FUCKING MEANINGLESS OH MY GODDDD. It’s not even healthy to talk to yourself like that. 

If you feel fucked up, it’s important to get all of the “fucked up” out of your system, so DO NOT EVER GIVE SOMEONE A FUCKING SHITTY COMPARISON AS A REASON TO SUPPRESS NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. 

Also, standing tall and waiting isn’t going change much to the life of a human being, if you don’t at least put in a very slight bit of effort. 

15:02

Zoek de verschillen. What type of vegetable have I added? [By means of entertainment. I know that it’s a *bleep*.] <- I keep adding “I’m not motherfucking goddamn stupid” disclaimers to my forms of creativity, because in my environment people keep wanting to prove that “I don’t understand life”

Meoww

When I said “”just” fry an egg”, I meant that I’m actually in the mood for a four course meal, but the groceries we have and 

How do I make clear that after the book release I need active outspoken engagement for a different legal form of business? Did you know that if I would get an investor in this type of “rechtsvorm” [ = type of legally registered business. A registered Dutch sole proprietorship I have currently] and I would fuck up, I would be accountable for every single penny? I bet there are already people there waiting for me to make a small mistake, so that they can make money claims. That’s why it’s important that I make my deadline. As long as I release anything… 

I miss how my sister and I used to cuddle. Our conversations sound like TV show dialogues now :(.

For my €2 retirement fund squad niqqus, I’m letting you know:

Fuck this shit. If you read between the lines, it says: “WE’RE SCREWED”

How is my generation in this country ever going to be able to pay the pensioenen? [In the end, it’s tax money, right… Since the investment rollercoaster didn’t end well.] I consider myself the only leader in this generation. (I’m talking about other 22 year olds and me.) The rest just wants to keep up the same malfunctioning system and then use social media to point out everything that’s going wrong, without doing something about it. 

I deleted my Reddit account earlier today, since no one responded to my request and I don’t like this “like, comment and share” type of social media at all, actually. I prefer private web space… Join the clubb

Part of me feels like I’m going to choke while awake, from the thought of being alone with my mother… After the US and Germany and stuff, the way she keeps me in her house makes me feel like I’m done talking for the rest of my life. But my heart can’t hurt her, because she’s so weak already… 

Quite a few weeks ago, when I was having lunch with mister and misses Elia [so “my parents”, unless I’m right about Elia not being my right last name. If they got married while she was pregnant with someone else, I should have either had her last name or my real father’s last name. So Hanenberg or……….. I’m afraid to say the other, cooler, potential last name, because it will sound so “schizophrenic”, when I’m wrong… She would carry this secret to her grave so someone please help. It’s hard for me to talk to her.]******

Oh, and to the people who have seen the final financial construction of D.O.C.I.S. International in one of my stalker messages: me as a financial entity stands for accountability. I only survive if I have the trust of the majority. Otherwise the empire falls. 

I really want to follow another lecture or go past his office. But I’m afraid of missing out on him and then just standing there while people see me and then they might recognize me from all of the bullshit drama and then gossip about me :(. 

My brain would explode [HEY NOT LITERALLY] if I would find out that my mother FUCKING KNOWS HIM. AND THAT SHE’D THEN HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER, WHILE I ONLY HAVE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS AND A PHONE NUMBER FROM his public web page x_x. 

Ah meow, my sister also sings below the volume level of the speaker, in the shower, just like me. [Thin walls. I’m on the toilet. That’s why I can hear it haha awkward¿] It sounds so beautiful &#x1F63B;😻. Sucks that we’re both used to being laughed at for a certain type of romanticized self-expression. She should join the Nosce Te Ipsum campaign =0. 

17:07

When I think of my status and my finances, I regret quitting my studies at Erasmus University. This would have been my graduation year. I wanted to study the Bahamian economy for my internship (because it’s “small”, I thought I had my roots there as well and I fucking love it there so much) and write a thesis, basically about what I’m putting into practice now. I’m also still not over not being elected as a student representative. I would have better side-job options and in this fucking society people only believe that you’re fit to come up with business strategies after you have a title and when you start the introduction of yourself with the university where you graduated. Only then people think: “Oh, you must be good in business,” and then they buy your shit, and that is what, in the end, since in this economy people want to make profit (which is such an empty goal), determines your success.

Meoww I can write a real fucking revolutionary thesis for you without cramming “dust” (pun) into my head to shortly memorize it for a grade. All I need is a laptop, some books, a Graeyniss [to tell me that I’m using the right formatting] and some space to work. May I get a PhD in return? Money would be nice, too. I would give you free international promotion for you – the way I’m doing now, but then better – and I could also propose an intense change of the level of creativity in the type of education “sold”. I’m not part of the group who graduates and then doesn’t know what knowledge had to be memorized for the degree. My grades were shit, but I still know what an Edgeworth box is. 

Ikea here we comeee.

Please ambush me, my Cuddle. I want a cuddles from you & #x1F64A;🙊.

Traffic is intensee. Can you imagine what the roads would look like if the dikes were to flood and people will try to drive out of the country? I would do that for sure. That’s why it’s better for me to move abroad, because you’re going to need me when new leaders/real leaders are needed. My “street wisdom” is one of a kind. 

In September (not October,  by the way @ ref to other article), I did some online marketing. It’s visible. For the release, I’ll use it again and this time I’m using a free eBook, so I hope numbers will increase and an international community will surface

Of course I’ll guide it, but I’m doing so much work for this that I don’t know if I can do that on top of the other things as well. As in I hope to see some initiative. 

I hope people don’t think that my work is Netflix and that you have to save up episodes and wait until the “season” is finished, so that it can be binge read/watched. With the material of one episode – I am asking you questions in the episode, but that is not visible in the preview, because I’m the type of publisher who doesn’t give away all of the highlights in the introduction – you’ll definitely be able to last until the next release. It’s also not “Oh first episode. That’s just an introduction and I don’t give a fuck about the characters, so I’m skipping it.” Then please just don’t look at the second episode either, because I need passionate people in my organization. 

Barendrecht by the wayy.

Haha I’ve started so many Project X’s without a turn out x_x. Dutch people might be surprised that I’m still alive. I am, too, ahahahaha.

By the way, with the €2 squad, I was indirectly referring to myself as well. 

20:51

Excuse my Project X sadness. It would just be funny asf, because my audience is so Cuddle. I don’t have a crew or anything that would entertain you if there were more than a small group talking to me. Also, it would just be awkward if my mother were there, too? I’m very sad to say that I can’t share my Graeyniss with her. On multiple levels if my father is this sexy bed catt. Kom eten¿ We’re in a restaurant again ahahahahahaha. 

23:08

So the mattress I found the most comfortable was “too expensive”. (I hope she’s not watching her spendings because she’s a fraud as well… I know money is not that tight for her in actuality, but if you think spending it on me is a waste, I’ll remember that.) 

Comfyniss

So I chose this one

But it was a not foldable mattress, unlike my sister’s, so it wouldn’t fit into the car and thus we didn’t buy it. The plan was to put a mattress of 140 cm broad on my 120 cm broad bed base [mooie alliteratie?], temporarily, and then come back for the bed frame another time. My Wirbelsäule really needs a better mattress, so I agreed, but it’s all just embarrassing in an unprofessional way, from my side. I’m “Lil Fangs” and I go to Ikea with my mother and she pays for me. She mentioned that we then have to rent a van for the mattress.  I thought, “But if we don’t do that, then I could invest that budget in a better mattress…” I said that it feels like such unnecessary effort for only a mattress and that I would rather use that van to move. “Where are you going, then?” she asked. I didn’t explode externally, but I did explode internally. How the fuck can you ask me that, if you know that I don’t have anything? She knows I want to move to California. And she could easily help me with this and with the increase in earnings I would get from making a much more professional impression, I would share with her. But fuck this figurative heart stabbing. 

So I now have this baby

“Ga je bidden of zo?” was another question I got. Ah meoww yess. My room is hideous, so I really couldn’t make a “full room” picture with it – because it just looks embarrassing – but I’m very happy with it! Now I can meditate and lay and spend more time in my room instead of downstairs. It also makes my room feel more homely for some reason.