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11:13 (AM) 

Good morning, my Cuddle <3

I hope you’re just as pre-excited for the Nosce Te Ipsum release as I am :]. I like how I’ve extended the quest and (engagement) information about my (business) projects. 

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into agreeing with paying half of the £2.928,- tuition fee and my father paying the other half… That would be the entire “uitzet” I’ve been saving up for… I’d rather die than go back to sitting behind a desk most of my time, doing routinous work that is so easy for me I become so bored so fast, and the level of conversation being on that same level… I want to make my living by using my creative talents, so school was more for “you need to get out of the house and have something to do” and “in case my success is limited” reasons… 

I still need to print new business cards… And I’d like to do a professional photoshoot… And make new logos (my Cuddle)…………… (Or at least, I’d like to have the designs I could draw on paper for you, as my logos… I’m not so good at “finding the balance between dpi, background transparency and retina”…)

But making this known to the person paying the other half could have very negative consequences… (I’m aware of them reading these words too and then not saying anything about it, though.) Please be aware of how this can disrupt what I’ve been creating for you. They unfortunately have more authority over me, in this case… [Do not make children if you do not intend to pay for the basic funding of their future, please………. I didn’t sign up for this? They signed me up…. (If it was planned, says November… As a relationship gift……??? (Is what I have been told…)) Yepp my 22nd birthday is on November 1st. I hope I can celebrate this with my Cuddles :D.]

I guess, by declining the rest of my study, I’ll HAVE TO move, to prevent myself from being taken into an institution again… 

If I invest in a place to stay, that must be a place I intend to stay at for longer than a year. I want to, before the island Planet Fang [you’re moving, too, right??] comes into existence, live somewhere in California. 

Part of me has become so tired of chilling inside and similar chillings in public places… Sometimes I think “let’s get it over with” and blurt out my heartache for still not recently having seen Benoît like I want to. [See what I did there? ;)] That would set in motion a chain reaction of legal and medical measures I do not want, but don’t have the authority to say no to. It’s financially and audience related strategically more advantageous… 

I haven’t seen him since the last time we hung out in his office, talking about some of my business plans and other stuff. (I have proof of this.) We planned to hang out another time, but by that time I was stuck in the psychiatric system, for “the experts” say I have never seen him; I am a dropout (again¿), so he wouldn’t want to hang out with me; this has nothing to do with brain-to-brain communication, were one of the lies of my beliefs I had to tell them to get out. What I’ve often said in rage, was: WELL, IF YOU’RE SO SURE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST INVITE HIM OVER???? OR ALLOW ME TO INVITE HIM OVER? THIS IS NOT PSYCHIATRIC RESEARCH. THIS IS GUESSWORK!!! I DON’T THINK HE WOULD MIND, ESPECIALLY NOT IF HE WOULD BE INFORMED ABOUT ME HAVING TO TAKE LORAZEPAM, FLUANXOL, HALDOL, RISPERIDON, ARIPIPRAZOL ET CETERA FOR TELLING MY PARENTS THAT I INTEND TO SPEND SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE TIME WITH HIM. HEY WAAROM ZO HARDNEKKIG? HET IS TOCH NIET ZO ERG DAT IK MET HEM WIL SAMENWERKEN?? 

Oh my god, every conversation they would ask me questions about him and then say: “I don’t understand why you believe this all happend. You’re clearly mentally ill and you should accept our diagnosis.” (I FUCKING NEVER DID. I ONLY TOOK THOSE MEDS I AM SOOOO INTOLERANT OF (at some point I started to fake it) BECAUSE ONLY UNDER THAT CONDITION THEY WOULD LET ME OUT OF THE INSTITUTION I WAS IN “ON A VOLUNTARY BASIS”. I WAS TOO BROKE THEN TO LEGALLY POINT OUT THAT WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DOING IS SO AGAINST THE LAW. (This started IN APRIL 2017.) 

E-VE-RY DAY WOULD BE ABOUT “BENOÎT CRUTZEN NOT BEING REAL BUT ONLY BEING A VOICE IN MY HEAD, BUT MY SKULL MOVES SOLELY OUT OF STRESS, ACCORDING TO THEM, AND THEN THEY FUCKING KEEP STRESSING ME OUT”. AND THEN THEY SAY I’M A SCHIZOPHRENIC, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THEY BROUGHT UP THE TOPIC OF HIM EVERY TIME I FUCKING TALKED TO THEM, SINCE IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN 6 MONTHS SINCE I HAD SEEN HIM, THEN, I “SHOULD HAVE BEEN OVER IT BY NOW, IF I WERE NOT A SCHIZOPHRENIC”. I CAN STILL NOT FUCKING LIVE WITH THE SEMI-ACCEPTANCE OF THIS…. EVERYONE WHO IS ON THEIR SIDE FOR BELIEVING I’M CRAZY CAN GO TO FUCKING HELL

He lend me the books A Curious Mind and Economix (in French). I’d shown them this. [WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BUY A BOOK IN FRENCH????? They didn’t believe it was his…] I returned them around February 2018, hoping to find him in his office, but he wasn’t there and I felt so awkward about being in that hallway that I left them in his mailbox, together with a print-out of a part of the Nosce Te Ipsum strategy, with the contract… This is so random, but we used to mail back and forth and hang out, and suddenly he’s not responding to my e-mails anymore? :[ 

Ah grrr, it would be so satisfying to show these un-cuddle flehs that he really is my Cuddle (in terms of being friends/acquaintances)….

I could “blow up” the court case that could thrive if they find that I’m crossing the line again and use that TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY and kick-start my career (was what was my intention the last time I went to the US). 

My first words will be: “I WILL NOT BE SPEAKING TO ANYONE WITHOUT MY LAWYER.” [My Cuddle…? ;)] I will do most of the defending myself. Ah prr having this one Cuddle who managed to complete his Law study in my lucky number amount of years, who could then also say “FUCK THAT” to being stuck in some very shady sounding system and being way too close to the fire (of water and many small roads), because what are escape plans if you’d be framed, as my lawyer would be soooo Cuddle!! <3 

Did you know I collect Tallnissis? They’re so hard to find… I’m 174 cm = 5 feet & 8.5 inches. That’s one of the many reasons why I need my B, too :[. Hehe I want to feel all wrapped in love and safety when we cuddle. 

I want to see my medical record, before I let the lies be wiped out, but I guess, since the psychiatric staff of “het Erasmus Medisch Centrum” and Bavo Europoort [“and the trans-culturele therapie van Glenn Helberg”, IF THEY DON’T TAKE MY PARENTS OUT OF MY FILES RIGHT THIS INSTANT] (FUCK ALL OF THEM [dit gaat via zoekwoorden, toch? ;)] ) DON’T EVEN WANT TO SHOW ME WHAT THEY’VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ME [they tell me “we’re too busy”, while I’ve literally seen staff members PLAY FUCKING RUNESCAPE…], I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE U.S. PRESIDENT TO DO THAT????? Since, according to the Patriot Act, the U.S. government is allowed to view Dutch medical records…… [BUT I HAVE SOME OF THEIR SUMMARIES HERE, PRINTED OUT WITH NAMES AND ALL ;).]

Also, I don’t know who was behind THE VIRAL LIE IN THE NEWS ABOUT ME [IT’S MY MOTHER, ISN’T IT?????? I WILL NOT STAY IN THIS HOUSE FOREVER FOR SURE!!!! EMPTY NEST….. I DO NOT NEED CARE], BUT TELLING EVERYONE I DIDN’T SPEAK TO MY PARENTS IN THE MESSAGE ABOUT ME GOING MISSING IS A VIOLATION OF THE WET BESCHERMING PERSOONSGEGEVENS!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS THAT RELEVANT? I HAD TO SPEAK TO THEM TO TELL THEM I’M GOING OUTSIDE AND TO KNOW THAT I’M MISSING YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ANYONE THAT, BECAUSE DUMB SHEEP WHO DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE THAN TALKING SHIT WILL SAY THAT I’M A BAD AND MENTALLY ILL PERSON FOR NOT RESPONDING IN THAT SHIT CONVERSATION. IT WAS A VE-RY CONSCIOUS DECISION TO NOT RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! 

WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS. IN. THAT. CUP. THE. COPS. GAVE. ME. BEFORE. THEY. CONTINUOUSLY. INTERROGATED. ME. AGAINST. MY. WILL?????? 

Don’t forget the “You have only met him in private twice. You can’t possibly have real feelings for him.” I STILL WANT TO FUCKING FANG THAT PERSON. I’m now afraid of saying it :[.

My Cuddle, I’m afraid my case is so dangerous to a very fraudulent regime, I need many forms of protection. I need a small army of hackers to defend my online capital, for starters… 

[Notice the build-up in the coming release of Nosce Te Ipsum and what I tell you in my diary? This is more than planned. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, my Cuddle…]

An awkward “classic”:

17:27 (05:27 PM) 

Zzzzz spierpijn?

I just put my semi-selfmade croissants in the oven. That will be my first food of the day.

Because the question started with: “Are you okay? You’re in bed all day. You probably don’t want to go, but…” I’m going to my cousin’s singing performance in a cocktail bar tonight. It’s also to safeguard my state of mental sanity, because last time shit went wrong, in the sense that my mother(?) found that I was going crazy for being less outgoing, she started with pointing out everything “weird about me” as well. She is not able to understand my writing, SO FUCK IT :D. HER “ENCOURAGING WORDS” WERE “I HOPE YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOUR WRITING”. I GUESS 1000+ HITS A DAY MEANS I DID? SORRY DAT IK HAAR GELOOFDE, PA :D. SCHEID EN VERHUIS MEE¿ I think my business will reach its multi-component state before yours will…? 

I’m completely left in the dark when it comes to knowing who to trust based on their role relating to what side of the regime they support. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who will not hurt me. So I stay in bed :D. Until I find my Cuddles in real life… 

My top-level Graeynissis. You know how some people act all ambitious around you, right? They want the status. They lack passion. The market for my products is so fucking miniscule, when it comes to people of my age….. The only people I easily meet these days are people of my age… The only people I generally don’t have a-ny-thing in common with are people of my age… And from my looks I will be marked as “wild cuddle cat”, so we’re prohibited to/from(?) cuddle/cuddling :[.

So let’s just be Cuddles, right, my Graeyniss? Fuck it :D. Life is too short to be caged in!! Don’t be scared, my Cuddlebird! You’ll be safe! You’re the reason why I’m doing it this way. Our mission for world peace can’t be sabotaged, because the not digitally distributed underlying strategy that I have indirectly been telling you through these posts, will not be understood through these posts by people with bad intentions for us, because digging for shit here is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack :D. 

19:39 (07:39 PM) 

Muscle stiffness, possible sudden death (my “mandatorily made” choice from a list) and other shit from medication?

Not anymore :D. April 2018 I ran away, because I had to do a mandatory blood test. The day after I was supposed to do the test, I ran off to Paris. The day after I came back from Paris (April 27, Koningsdag), with my sister and parents I went to Suriname for three weeks. Two days after being back, I ran off to the United States and FINANCIALLY managed to live there for two weeks :D… (ONLY THERE THE LAWS ARE DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO “UNNOTICED” BEING TAKEN IN FOR RUNNING AWAY AND NOT TAKING MEDICATION IF YOU HAVE BEEN LABELED AS “MENTALLY ILL”, BECAUSE OF CLOSED BORDERS VS OPEN BORDERS IN EUROPE). THEY NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE ME IN BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN THE COUNTRY ON WORKDAYS. 

WHY NOT DO SOME INSTAGRAM MARKETING RIGHT NOW? 

I WILL “””””GLO UP””””” LATER THO. 

SINCE I AM GOING TO “PARTAY”.

HEEEY JIJ, OOK EEN NIEUW INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT? 

She told me it started somewhere in between 22:30 – 23:30?

It would be so much fun to see you there…… 

I will not be putting this on Instagram :D. What’s the point??? 

I only want justice for myself (and my Cuddle(s))?

BUT I’M SHOWING YOU CROPPED UP ANGER? 

I’LL INSTA NOT LIVESTREAM(?) FILM AT THE “CONCERT”? (Because of the 0 views ba-dum-tss….)

Has anyone seen my B?  :[

22:44 (10:44 PM)

I’m on my way to George’s Cocktail lounge? 

I decided on after marketing. 

You know that moment when you’re so fucked up you just…

That was “sarcasm”… A “pee pole” across the town hall is pretty “barbarian”… I want to moveee 😀

23:48 (11:48 PM) 

I think it’s too awkward to film…? I thought there was going to be a crowd ahahahah. 

My Cuddle, this is a secrettt. So what’s the legal part of this “underground decision”…? We’re trying to improve our system so that these kind of things don’t have to happen, rightt? 

Haha my examssss. 

I’ll still log?? 

00:19 (AM) 

I thought maybe I should show you some “highlights”, but the lighting is too awkward :D. And so is my data usage!! And my battery too…. 

Haha my level of randomness is going up, luckily (that’s a good thing). Yours should, too, my Cuddle! We should free ourselves from what we feel when FUCKING JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE CONSTANTLY FUCKING KEEEP THEIR EYES ON YOUR SHIT SOOOOOO FOCUSED IT MAKES ME WANT TO SAY “HEB JE NIKS TE DOEN OFZO?????”. OF KOM MET EEN ONDERWERP DAT INHOUD HEEFT. HOE DURF JE HIERVOOR MIJN AANDACHT TE VRAGEN????

Shout out to my piano/keyboard players all over the world whoop whoooop!!

I’m not even drunk yet :D. But I reached the level “I should not sing harder, otherwise you won’t be heard!” What an accomplishment :D. 

The other female singer here is so Cuddle :D. Lately I’ve been meeting so many people, I’m starting to become “bad with names”…

I think I’ll be breaking the sound borders soon :D. Since “my example” HAHA NAHHHH DON’T GET ME STARTED fammmmmm has given me this example :p. 

[I didn’t like how potentially hurtful relatives were gazing at my phone screen as I was writing, so that’s why my messages were written in a form of code only you understand, my Cuddle.]

03:03 (AM) 

A NEW BLOG DAY STARTS WHEN I WAKE UP.