Meoww I’m still in bed (as usual x_x). I kind of don’t want to ever leave it again. Especially after last night’s: “We need to speak to you tomorrow.” It’s what the woman whose house I’m currently living in, told me last night, before I went to sleep.
To explain my relationship with her again: she’s the wife of mr. Elia’s (who is “my father”) ex-colleague. They became friends before I was born. That’s why I’ve always considered the children of those family friends, are my cousins.
But when I secretly went to a coffeeshop to smoke some weed, instead of going to the cinema, I suddenly realized that the love I have for the cousins I have via family friends – thus cousin is actually not the right title we’ve been taught, “as a family” – runs sooo much deeper than any regular family or friend relationship I have.
I really can’t live without them. Such a great part of my identity, is intertwined with theirs. We have literally and figuratively seen each other grow. In a way we don’t know other people (who have this type of “family”).
When I, in the restaurant, last Friday, looking at the baby daughter of the family friends’ daughter, caught myself with a very random thought, I felt like going crazy. The thought popped up exactly when my eyes drifted off from the little daughter to the son of the family friends. Jamiro, who lives on the top floor of the house I’m currently bed petting in, is he, who once told me that after seeing his baby cousin, he would like to have a child as well.
I thought: What would our child look like? And then my corrective self thought: He is my male cousin. So I should never think of him like that! But in actuality, we are not from the same family. I’m black and he’s asian… Fucking Surinam.
And he is fully embedded into my life, he knows so much about me, and I can’t live without him, and so on… Is it wrong, or is it absolutely perfect?
I guess I’ve been living in denial for quite some time. In the physical realm, then, since he’s already all over my former diary posts… This changed, when I decided to text him when I was “at the cinema”, followed by the day ever. I’ve used the longest build-up ever and included crazy many “insiders only” side-topics.
I regret doing this all via text, but simultaneously, I don’t. Because it’s the only fully private conversation we can have in this houe…
Ah, I have been asked to take a shower, to take part in the conversation. I really hope Jamiro will join in 😀 .
16:56 (04:56 PM)
My heart is torn into a zillion pieces 🙁 . I’ve now packed my bags in such a way that I’ll last for about a week.
The, “We need to speak to you tomorrow,” was about me laying in Jamiro’s bed on Thursday night. Apparently it shocked him so much that he now does not want to be at home anymore, is what his parents told me.
So I immediately packed my bags and left, and texted him that he can sleep at home tonight, and did I wouldn’t have done what I did, if I knew that it would have this impact 🙁 .
I thought my days of wandering were over. I’m quite pissed at Jamiro’s parents for giving me such an enormous feeling of guilt.
They were all like: “You made a mistake laying in “your cousin/brother”‘s bed. What the hell were you thinking?” I told them that I didn’t know that it’s not normal to them. Sleeping next to each other and nudity in general (since I’m actually a nudist (or pantyist, to be exact)), are topics I can easily talk about. I wouldn’t find it weird if he would lay in my bed. In fact, he comes off like someone who would not mind a good genuine non-sexual cuddle before going to sleep. But according to his parents, that observation of mine is incorrect.
I recorded the entire conversation. I’m so used to fucking snake moves, that I’m now always prepared. I’ve never been so afraid of losing someone. I want to cry 🙁 .
But I won’t! I’m going to drop off my things at my grandmother’s house – since that is where I’ll be staying for the time being – and then head over to Dobro’s place to cook, write and work on an assignment with him.
Oh my god and yesterday “my father” told me that my other grandmother had a fit of dementia that made her feel so confused, that she went to the police station herself. That is strange on so many levels. The strangest is that he still doesn’t insist that she goes into an old folks home.
23:15 (11:15 PM)
I’m in the metro, on my way back to my grandmother’s place. Chilling was nice 🙂 . I think I whipped my best mac & cheese this far. It included a courgette and salmon 😀 . I forgot to take a picture x_x.
Andd it was nice to be able to make quite a lot of sense of the assignment he had to make. He’s a third year economics student, so I’m very glad that I can keep up with his level of education 🙂 . We had to pose a research question for 5 research papers each.
My overall conclusion is that the financial system should be replaced as soon as possible. Especially the last question I pose, very indirectly insinuates that same idea of mine hehe…
23:55 (11:55 PM)
I’m watching late night television with my grandmother. I did not expect to be here this night… I thought that I had found the place where the roof above my head is guaranteed with 100%.
I have lost my orientation of the future, when it comes to having a roof above my head. All I know is that I have a book to publish on the 30th. Oh, and that my mother has sent “dr. Crutzen” an edited version of the mail I typed for her. And that I still need to hear from 2 potential investors?
Who knows what the future holds… Meoww if I’ll find funding for D.O.C.I.S. International, it will be us for sure 🙂 . Other than that, I’m a sad petje now that I risk losing this Cuddle of mine 🙁 .
I’m off to bed.
I love you ♥
– xxx –