13:48 (01:48 PM)

Good afternoon πŸ™‚

I just finished my first “meal” of the day: a selection of fruit I feel in the mood for, from the fruit basket downstairs.

Grapefruit, een nectarine, een “gold” kiwi en een banaan πŸ™‚

Now I’m back in my bed… It’s a sunny day, so I’d like to go outside, but my bank accounts are maxed out and I’m not in the mood to walk in the park by myself.

Plus, I have no idea where my house keys are? I didn’t take them with me, when I went to the crisis center. I now can’t go to the gym either, because my membership token is attached to it. In the past, my parents have confiscated my house key every time I distanced myself from them, so I really wonder where they are, now that they’re not in the regular places.

When it comes to my thoughts of getting married and moving on from all of this shit; not having a key is not even that bad. If I take all of my belongings with me [including my sisterΒΏ] on my way out and never return, what do I need the keys for?

I need someone who is lonely, too, who I could cuddle with πŸ™ . Look at my view:

They’re closed because I don’t feel like putting clothes on (ever again lol)

I want to cuddle meoww but meoww I guess I should think of how I want my business website to look and work on that, sitting in the “backyard”. I’d rather spend time with my Vicje, though… Meooow my hearttttt….. I don’t know how to get this Catje all to myself… πŸ™

Does anyone have any tips? Please let me know, by placing a comment… 😏

Please, buy my essay and support my independent living and plans for societal reform… 😏

[products category=”essays-3″]

~~~

16:12 (04:12 PM)

I’m losing ittt

I hope that my Vicje would agree with me that those women attacking this other Catje, in the video in my tweet, are fucking dumb bitches… There is no way spending 1000 billion euros to renovate the fucking ugly houses in this country should be done by the state. That is not a fucking climate measure!?!? How much of that money will be used to buy new cars and shit!?!?

As the next ruling generation, I say that that 1000 billion euros for this “climate measure” is unnacceptable! If the houses here are of too much shit quality, just fucking bomb the place and let the dykes flood. Then nature will be back in balance and no one will be disturbed by fucking dumb bitches like that anymore!!!!!

Haha meow my opinion is always very outspoken… I’m laying here, contemplating whether I’d be a suitable wife for Victor… I mean with the whole schizophrenia thing and wanting to start a revolution and being power hungry and stuff… Life will be full of excitement and wild(ly impulsive) experiences, with me. That’s for certain! That is what Graeynissis need, right? I think we are an absolutely perfect match! 😻

How about crowns instead of wedding rings? I’m Queen Fangs meowww…
Haha meow I don’t want to make you go broke because of all of the things I still want to do in life…

Like holding that 24 hour benefit, making a movie, consituting my own country, having my own TV channel, having my own lifestyle line, et cetera… Please marry meee I want someone sexy by my side at all times! 😻 My King Vicje… 😻 Let’s throw Willie off his throne so that that 1000 billion climate bullshit doesn’t go through!

Will you be my loyal knight in shining armour? 😻 I also want to be the queen of Sipaliwini, aside from the Netherlands… And that of California 😻 I have too many ideas for global reform yooo I wouldn’t be able to do that now, if I’d marry someone of my own age (probably watching fucking Netflix all day)… So Vicje pleaseeeΒΏ 😻

I hope he hasn’t found a new flame yettt… Or just cut that off real quick πŸ˜€ . Come to my house? πŸ˜€ Ah meoww the ceiling isn’t that high though and I’m in bed pet mode… But I want to seeee youuu ah meoww…

~~~

17:34 (05:34 PM)

And when I say married I mean onder gemeenschap van goederen with the full name change and everything! 😻
Ik wil het liefst zelfs een derde naam: Lucy (van lux fero…).

Meooow het idee van ons samen is nu zoo erg in mijn hoofd geprent dat ik echt hoop dat dit onze nieuwe realiteit zal worden! 😻

I really hope and even think that Victor is receiving the sound signals from my reasoning in person. This because the first time I spoke to him, I was standing sooo close to him (fighting myself not to touch him). Then, on my way to the next time, I told myself not to stand so close to him, because it might seem odd. But then the next time talking to him, I was standing almost inside him when speaking to him, again, and when I noticed this, in true silence, we took a step back from each other, EXACTLY at the same time!!! Meooow I soo hope it’s true! 😻

Ahaha I don’t want to think of anything elseeeee! Especially not of psychiatry ah meoww the quest for a truly independent second opinion is so dreadful… I wish I could cuddle my Vicje and cook for him and stuff… 😻 If we get together, I would not feel dragged down by my medical record anymore!

~~~

19:47 (07:47 PM)

Meooow time is passing by… Tomorrow is getting closer. I want that psychiatric surveillance off my back. That’s why I kind of feel like stopping time. What is there to discuss for me, with a nurse from the “early intervention for psychoses” team? Nothing. But my parents want me to fuck up my medical record further, so that no one listens to me anymore, when I say that the circle I was born in is no good. My mother has already contacted a clinic in Belgium. The problem is that they should hear my side of the story before hers, because she always describes me as a first class lunatic.

If I’d have a good distraction – sex, good conversations, people I can do business with – I would not feel depressed as fuck.

I need someone I can do business with… I need Cishes from my Victishe 😻 . He has the full package… 😻

He is hands down the handsomest man I have ever seen… And he is smart as well 😻 .

And I would, of course, be the absolute perfect housewife! Getting involved in everything he does, giving my perspective on every business decision he shares with me (I hope it will be all of them πŸ™‚ ). I’ll also be his little (side-)advocate (because he certainly is his own advocate), telling those fucking awful clients of him, who get agressive over not receiving a Mercedes for paying a €15 premium, dat ze echt de tyfus kunnen krijgen en ik hoop dat ze zich de volgende keer doodrijden. (In case you wonder why I’m not part of the summer staff anymore: that is why 😂 . And I’m not up for superficial conversations with colleagues either. #PTSD)

Haha if I’d get a euro for every time one of those peasants told me “Ik wil de directeur spreken,” I would be able to buy him myself 😂 . They should really not speak of my Vicje like that… 😾 Same goes for personnel. I still feel like crying, from their response to those “Thinking about you” cards and chocolates. I love that creativity and would literally kill to receive that. Fuck this place, man.

We should just replace everything by D.O.C.I.S. International and replace the Netherlands by water. That will definitely cool off the planet!

I don’t feel like discussing the contents of my blog with any psychiatry related individual who wants me to take antipsychotics… I don’t want tomorrow to happen meoow save me πŸ™ .

~~~

23:42 (11:42 PM)

I’m such a random catje for suddenly hyping the thought of marriage. I needed time to realize that this could be the best decision we’d ever make.

Though I still don’t even know if it’s mutual, because my business e-mail address is blocked πŸ™ . But my personal one isn’t. Now I wonder if that’s because it was forgotten to be blocked, or because I may only reach out to this sexy Catje for personal things? Of course, that is my preference? I didn’t even know that that was an option πŸ™ . There are many Graeyniss things I still want and need to learn, my Graeyniss… Please teach me 😻 .

Ugh tomorrowww πŸ™ . It feels like when I just started this diary, all over again. Marriage seriously is the only way out of this awful vicious cycle. And it’s a good cure for the chronic loneliness I’ve been suffering from for years… Plus it would give me hope for a better future and stuff…

I would love to not live alone anymore. Alone in the context of having no one I can level with, while coming across both familiar and new faces every day… (Mentioning it here every time would be painful…)

I really want a new life and a new circle, so if I’d get married, that would mean that I wouldn’t even let the majority of people from my circle know. They already treat me as if the real me doesn’t exist anymore, so, to them, I’d definitively be gone, just like that. Fuck saying goodbye…

It’s what I desire… I have so many (more) burdens, I don’t want to bother my Victishe with this πŸ™ . But I really need the help of a true Graeyniss, to start over. I really want him to be that person ♥.

Because how to cause the shift, I wouldn’t know. I can’t even get myself out of psychiatric surveillance for good… And I know there are plenty of people who don’t want me to get married. Those who tell me about all of the horrors of marriage, since I was a child, for example, who want me to be their fraud accountant.

I know I would be damn good at it, but I’d rather do good and stay on the right path. Plus they have been making such stupid financial decisions… And I don’t even know how many stupid financial decisions they have made in my name, when I was a child.
That’s why I’d love to be saying: “My husband has a Law degree 😻 .” And that’s why I want to fully distance myself from the life I’ve had from here in the region of Rotterdam. Mijn hemel wat een stad zeg…

My feelings have become extreme overnight. We should really go on a date, my Vicje 😻 . But the type of date after which I move into your house straight after…? I would absolutely love that 😂 .

In reality, I’m going to sleep in a bit, feeling a bit frustrated because I’ve become this psychiatric puppet again. After so much effort to escape it. I was trying to initiate a court case, not be forced to take antipsychotics again…

Meoww I miss you, my Victishe πŸ™ . I hope you’ll somehow cuddle me 😿

Good night ♥

xxx