Heys my Graeysss ♥ ♥ ♥

Yesterday was yays.  I chilled with my aunt we had a day of snacking fries and talking. I like that I can relate to her troubles so much. It makes me feel less alone.

Through the day I had a song stuck in my head because of this:

It was my intention to not answer to anything yesterday, but had seen this ASKfm “question” and I just couldn’t figure out what it meant. Until I thought of pronouncing it in a non-speaking way. It’s a song of which the chorus (translated to English) is: “Ai ai Olga if you don’t love me I will jump into the ice cold Volga (river in Russia),” about love-related suicide basically. I remember a teacher in primary school teaching us this song ugh what an awful memory. And in this “question” context it filled me with a sense of guilt.

I didn’t want to believe it. Not again.  I really thought why do the people I’m in to always reject me/run away from me and why do I get chased by people who I’m not in to? I have rejected so many people and I really really really don’t like to do that because I know how much it hurts and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

Especially the baby emoji made me uncomfortable. The times I have rejected a “I want to start a family with you,” (often hearing that from someone I barely know) is not countable on my fingers.

But I had to be honest and say that there are plenty of fishes in the sea because I don’t want to end up in a relationship I don’t want to be in. I need someone influential with whom I can start a revolution with and yays find attractive. Someone who will make me never reject anyone ever again, if you know what I’m sayin’. 🤔 (Just say “Leave my girlfriend alone please godverdomme” or something…)

Other than that I don’t have much to say about yesterday.

I do have something sad-ish but positive to mention about a few weeks ago, which I hadn’t mentioned here yet: I got a letter from the Belastingdienst in which the inspector stated that she has noticed that I, in 2017, have suffered a loss on my personal bank account(s) and that they are going to study this more starting by analyzing my finances from 2014 onwards. As long as they don’t give me a fine for having suffered a loss (like how paying a bill late comes with an administration fine and losses mean less tax money coming in right), that sounds like quite good news. Maybe they’ll give me back what I’ve lost? Maybe they’ll see that my family is fraud? It could be the yays. 🙂

Today I’ll be phoneless beach chilling, cooking pasta and later escorting my aunt and cousin (who has been claimed by the – I recognize from the way they treat each other compared to when I was little – oppressive new friend she met here) to the bus station. Tomorrow is basically my only other day alone. (When I fell for this it really sounded like I’d have some real time off you know.) Thursday my parents are coming to stay here until the end and my sister will come here too with a gang of friends large enough to fill this cramped space with air beds. I feel claustrophobic. Despite all of this:


You should know that I love to just sit and talk. It’s what I do with my family, it’s what I used to do with my friends. My problem is just that I seek this hard-to-find type of conversational depth. Is that you, my Graeyniss? 😸

Yays for the comments here.

As for D.O.C.I.S. International I’m still tired (is this heart failure¿) and I need Wi-Fi to be able to “finish” anything, so that niss will be continued from August 5 onwards. Though in the meantime I’m also going to visit some apartments in Belgium with my mother to see which one is the most yay to move in to. I’ve already gotten a crush on a two-bedroom one in a quiet neighborhood near-campus… Hoping no one else gets that same crush before I’ve visited it… 😀

I’ll be having another keeping-phone use-minimal day.

Love you more than yesterday ♥

Updated 08:29 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam;CEST)]

– xxx –