11:29 (AM)

Good morning ♥

Cold Feet

Meoow the tension I feel now is intense 🙁 . The decline of stress I spoke of is, I realize now, that after the Summer this is all over and I can finally start to get happy (though the road to professorship is fuuuucking long and costly…). But in the meantime there are at least three months for me here where I’ll still have to endure these lowkey tense social situations and be without money.

I woke up with the thought: The prospect of having my studies in Belgium as my occupation is amazing, but meanwhile I’ll have to survive this Summer full of family events.

The reason why I’m going to Curaçao, for example, is because my mother, a few weeks ago, begged me to come along because otherwise my sister has to travel back to the Netherlands alone and she’ll have no one to chill with. But she can get along better with the rest of the family than with me.

Ever since that fight where she said that I’m not worthy of her attention, I have been trying to stay away from her as much as I can. How can one make such a disgusting statement.

But she’s my sister and I still care about her. The only reason why I said “yes” to going to Curaçao is because I feel the need to care for my sister and I can’t say “no” to my mother’s pout lip. Fucking annoying.

Ever since that fight, which we haven’t even really discussed afterwards, we exchange words even less than when the schizophrenia bullshit started and she, too, betrayed me by saying that “I need to get better”. I was never even sick.

We barely talk to each other. All I can think of talking about with her is our youth, our family and our future, but my god I will have even less patience to hear her defend “The people she loves,” another time. How the fuck are we going to survive a flight of more than 9 hours together?

I don’t want to go anymore 🙁 . I’m going for her and the last extensive exchange of words we’ve had is the one where she said that she’s taking my parents’ side and I am not worthy of her attention. What the fuck man that wound can never heal. I want to discuss this but I don’t see this not ending up in another fight.

[The same goes for that Jam situation where he said: “I don’t want to become a second Benoît Crutzen,” do you have any fucking idea what the fuck you are even talking about? (& Do you really think that that is even possible?)]

I don’t want to go anymore, but my plane ticket has no cancellation insurance. It’s like slowly drowning in quicksand. Can’t we transition my ticket to a ticket for one of her friends or something?

If you’re old enough to consciously insult me multiple times, you’re old enough to travel by plane by yourself for sure.

Then there’s this weekend’s ugh. I really need at least a +1 – a new face, who doesn’t know any of the attendants – for this but I don’t have any fucking friends x_x. I don’t want to endure that surprise party meow please help me. 😢

Will you throw a goodbye party when you move to Antwerp?
No. 😢

Will you come back to the Netherlands to celebrate your 23rd birthday?
No. 😢

Will you come back for Christmas?
No. 😢

I really want to move on.

Graeynissis please give me a fun Summer project to make mathematics and the concept of (non-business-making-profit-related) research sexy and popular and save my from all of this social tension 🙁 .

~~~

13:26 (01:26 PM)

Tachycardia

I wish I didn’t have to endure this figurative feeling of slowly drowning in quicksand while I can’t do anything about it. My relatives are the one with money and I thus currently need them to survive. Of course, when I’m ProfFangs I won’t need them anymore. Even when I’m WorkingTowardsBachelorFangsWithEnoughMoneyForDownPayment Fangs, I can provide for myself. But currently I’m the puppet of my father who doesn’t want to share his wealth with me the way he should. He’s turning 50 tomorrow. I don’t have money for a gift.

I just obey their wishes because I don’t want to endure another all-versus-one when they know that I’m trying to escape them. It’s very important that there will be no escalations these Summer, because I don’t want to end up in a fucking crisis center or worse again. But meow I want these people out of my life. We only spend time together because we have the same blood, not because we have anything else in common. They’re not intelligent enough for me.

You can all take an example from Catje Camillus who just posted a comment on this post.
Unfortunately I don’t even have money to travel myself. If anyone could offer more direct support like calling the police (but they’re crooked so mweh it might not be effective) or the FIOD, taking me in as their house Catje, financially supporting my business/my studies, that would be great. As great as posting a comment on the post I’m currently writing!!! ♥

Meoww when I think of all of those family events and how broke I am and stuff, I feel my heart beat increase like crazy and palpitations 🙁 . (Pretty interesting that my thoughts influence my heart rate.)

I am powerless against my family. They consciously don’t share their wealth with me the way they should, (supporting me in building up my independent living,) because they want me to take care of them when they retire, but that’s not going to happen. They’ve been my largest burden all my life. To receive my support later, you have to support me now and all I’ve received are sneak opposition tactics.

I want out, my meow 🙁 . I want to find people I can be myself with, who are like me. People who find me making up Fangs (BasketFangs, ProfFangs, Planet Fang, …) funny, like I do. And so on… Catjes like that are hard to find 🙁 .

It would be really cool if a Graeyniss blog reader Catje of mine would come to Saturday’s ugh surprise party, because then we can be anti-social wild Catjes and I will wrap my entire body around your arm and hide my face in your clothing all the time. 😂

Haha and then everyone at the party gets arrested and people be throwing knives at me so we have to be evacuated by a helicopter haha seriously helppp. 😂

~~~

15:36 (03:36 PM)

Further Questions

Has your goal in life changed again? You said you want to make it without a degree and now you’re already calling yourself ProfFangs.
My goals have never changed. I just want mass scale influence. First I wanted to do that through economic policy, then via PR, then as a publisher and now all in one as the mathematics professor who owns D.O.C.I.S. International. Master of a subject that touches on every subject, like Fangyism. It will be Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs, in actuality – expecting a little bow when you pronounce it – and I hope to make the brand big enough to have every university in the world on board for this revolution.
Just admit that you need these F-cup cuddlepillows by your side, my Graeyniss… I’d love to share my vision on gender in the academic field with you, by the way. It’s a nuance.

~~~

22:10 (10:10 PM)

Scusami meanwhile I chilled some with my aunt and went back home later to cook for my family and watched some television by means of trying to understand people better or something. Now I think I should follow a more elaborate course for that ahahaha.

I have more questions yay.

Further Further Questions

Will you unsubscribe your business from the Dutch chamber of commerce and quit your business activities when you go to Antwerp?
No. I still want to make my business thrive further and hope to earn my student side-income from D.O.C.I.S. Store sales. Especially because I’ve still received more financial support from the Dutch government than from my father, it seems fair to stay registered there. And when my business becomes bigger than Shell in the Netherlands, I want to be able to push my business ideals through through the government muhahahahaaaaaaaa. 😈
When I signed up for the university, I checked the box “I will combine my studies with my work.”

How will the D.O.C.I.S. Store compete with other businesses?
It’s a niche. I don’t want to compete with other businesses on scale, because I’ll be packaging and shipping every order by hand myself. It’s my intention to stand out by giving you the outmost personal shopping experience. The book(s) you purchase will be put in a special box with special gifts selected and non-digitally personalized based on your profile 🙂 . (Making books a luxury product 🙂 . ) I intend to price it in such a way that it won’t sell the way Ali Express does. It’s a Graeyniss store my meowsss.

What is on your current list of tasks for reform?

– Make list of books to sell in D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Set up D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Take down the Fangs store(s)
– Finish D.O.C.I.S. International website (including highlighted books from the D.O.C.I.S. Store and highlighted articles on front page)
– Finish WordPress theme and logos for The Fangs [I really hope that I’ll find some Graeynissis who would like to write for The Fangs 😻 ]

I hope to have this all done before the school year starts. Tomorrow my task is – aside from purchasing large hair elastics – to make a day-to-day schedule for the Summer, setting up D.O.C.I.S. International in such a way that I don’t have to do time consuming things for it when I’m studying.

Moet jij niet bij de ANWB zitten?
Mijn portemonnee zegt van wel. Mijn 😻 zegt ook van wel. Maar ik wil geen TBS voor stalking en ook geen gevangenisstraf voor doodsdreiging wanneer ik – in vergelijking met vorige zomer – mijn geduld verlies tegen die 🤢 klanten daaro. Plus voor mijn gevoel is er in de tussentijd teveel gebeurd om daar mijn gezicht nog te laten zien ofzo. (Ik zei in dat ene tyfusgesprek wel “Je boodschap is duidelijk,” maar weet nou nog steeds niet of ze wilde zeggen dat ik nooit meer welkom ben bij dat bedrijf.)

Nog steeds zie ik in de toekomst wel een ProfFangs en Victishe samen [mijn hart alsjeblieft ahahaauwww ik mis je haha echt random 😩 ]. Dat Catje is sowieso mijn lowkey rolmodel omdat zijn educatie geschiedenis voor mij heel hoopgevend klinkt. En hij is zo mooi aah helpp 😻 .

Ik heb het gevoel dat ik moet doorgeven dat ik er deze zomer niet bij zal zijn ofzo, omdat ik nog steeds wel mijn naam op die zomerlijstlijst had gezet en iemand daar €500 mee heeft verdiend. Maar ik kan gewoon niet meer communiceren met het niveau onder mijn niveau en dit Victishe skipt mij zo hard oh mijn god 😢 .

Gezien mijn statistieken van vorig jaar en het relatief grote aantal mensen van vorig jaar die dit jaar niet weer gaan, vraag ik me af of ze het benauwd zullen krijgen zonder mij. Op mijn beste dag heb ik 75 dossiers in 1 dag behandeld. Ik vraag me af hoe druk het dit jaar word…
Natuurlijk wil ik alles voor mijn Victishe doen, maar er is echt een grens. 😂
Al het werk dat ik daar kan doen ligt echt te ver onder mijn niveau. Het is ook mijn intentie om net zo lang door te leren dat ik nooit meer een proletariër zal zien. To seal the deal ahahaha. Maar ik hoop dat ik als ProfFangs (op de een of andere manier) nog wel wat voor Victishe zal kunnen betekenen ♥ .

Will you inform the university about your situation?
No, I find it hard to do that, because it’s a very sensitive topic and I don’t know what response I can expect. So I’ll just go there and act as regular student-ish as possible. Though a dysfunctional family has a lot of impact on someone’s learning focus (and drive).

What is more important to you: your career or your family?
My career. If that’s stable my survival is guaranteed much better. Schizophrenia and a crisis center, both for no reason, man. I’d like a very time-consuming occupation.

Do you think you should be offered a special program at the university and if yes, why?
I actually do think so. Because of my level of intelligence (it’s actually all too easy for me, and because it’s easy I’m less motivated to spend a lot of time on it, while I should because otherwise I can’t memorize that easy shiz for a test) and because I’m The Fangs with the largest online diary ever, containing an alternative scientific perspective. It would be nice if I could still learn from more than one field – what I described in that motivation letter – and get my degrees on a quicker pace. Pleaaaaseeee just let me read and write papers! 😢
I, honestly, still don’t want “the student experience”. But I’m very glad that the schedule mostly consists of lectures and no small group classes! 😀

Ahaha by the way, my father found out that there will be a surprise party because he saw a group chat on his friend’s (my “uncle”) phone. Not even via my blog, while even Canva knew. Haha my life. 😂 Please come party with me… 🙁

I’m off to bed, my meows.

Good night ♥

xxx